#ive been pondering this for months now honestly

[hervey-gervey-chip]

DIY AGE-OF-SAIL INSPIRED FOULIES

part IV: the test

y’all i fucking did it!i’m making an update! first off, let’s go through the weather of the day. it was cloudy with a light but consistent drizzle, slightly chilly, and it had rained enough by the time i was climbing around that the rig was thoroughly wet. (said rig is pictured below with the day’s conditions)

initial reaction when putting them on:

relatively stiff! very similar level of stiffness to my other pair of bibs that I have from 2020; they are just the most basic west marine ones you can buy.

it was sprinkling a bit outside already, and water was beading nicely on the cloth

the ass reinforcement i did began slightly lower than i would have liked, but i guess that’s what you get when you don’t measure anything on your actual physical form before you start sewing lol

i wore them over top of my denim work pants and i didn’t feel congested in there at all

sail prep:

the harness cinched over them just fine and they were super easy to climb in!

we reefed tops’ls and i went out to the yardarm to do the earring lashing, and therefore had full body contact with a wet yard and sail for the duration of the lashing (diagram below), and then stood on the footropes regular-style for a bit to finish up reef nettles. i got back to deck and was not a bit damper than i was before i went aloft. *though everything i was wearing was just ~ambiently damp~ just because that’s how humidity works. if you’ve ever put on an item of clothing that’s been living in under-bunk storage for a month, that’s what the vibe was.

water was no longer beading, but rather a thin film of wet on the top layer of fibers.

sail time!

plenty of time on a knee or sitting on wet hatches i think is what did it. i was still fairly dry; however, by the end of the day i felt a little wetness seeping through at the knees, and more on the butt. that said, the reinforcement was /just/ high enough to cover the part that made contact when sitting.

overall, they fared about as well as those westmarine bibs do currently: definitely works, but not the ideal for a downpour or long watches in the rain.

what i learned:

i’m definitely doing this again and maybe my shipmates and i will have a oilskin-making party, though next time i will be changing the recipe

when i got back to the shop that monday, i found my sample piece of fabric that i put raw tung oil on to see how it cured by itself. it was surprisingly malleable and didn’t crack when i bent it around a bit. i had been pondering using just a quarter of the wax in the next mix just to keep it a bit more flexible so the paint and oil won’t crack as the bibs are exposed to the elements. now that i know what i do, i may even reduce the wax to a few heaping tablespoons just so that whatever wax i use to maintain them will stick better to the cloth. i think the issue here that caused the present pair to wet out was penetration (i’m so sorry i couldn’t think of a better word).

i also waxed the reinforcements after they were attached, and next time i’ll definitely oil the fabric separate from the bibs themselves for an extra layer of protection.

conclusion:

i’m honestly not disappointed and am, in fact, slightly impressed that my amateur soup-soaked overalls are comparable to the state of a (used) pair of mass-manufactured foul weather bibs.

[offshore-brinicle]

One thing I've noticed that may or may not be important in C6 is the different ways Dante and Heathcliff react to insults.

Heathcliff displays his anger quite clearly, even more so towards those with little to no power over him. Dante tends to either immediately pivot over to trying to make a joke about it, staying silent, or changing the topic [like how with Caiman, they were like 'thx for not murdering her' instead of adressing the things she actually says].

This may pose an issue during the canto, esp if Dante wants to try and help Heathcliff before he could potentially spiral into become more like his book version. And given the title, I'm unsure how much they'll be able to do with what little reference they have in terms of this sorta stuff. We're, what, six months into this whole thing in-verse? That's not exactly a lot of time.

I do think C6 will be what makes Dante really look back at the other sinners, and try to understand them beyond first impressions, especially considering just how much Heath alone has changed up til now.

Plus, I think Rodya and Hong Lu will have some Moments, and a sullen look or two from Sinclair or Outis wouldn't be unexpected.

Honestly, I see this very possibly. Canto V was essentially the start of Dante actually being an active force in aiding the Sinners, after somewhat trying and failing with Sinclair back in Canto III and then not being particularly relevant in Yi Sang's journey and growth in Canto IV compared to other parties involved to then them being a huge factor in Ishmael's realization and her changing her mind in favor of a better path for herself by actively reaching out. It feels like things have been progressively getting better but taking in count Heathcliff's lifelong abuse and the comments in Yield my Flesh hinting that from now on is when the "actual" plot begins makes me feel like next chapter won't be as...easy or straightforward, they might potentially even fail to gain the Golden Bough.

Heathcliff himself has been dismissed so much by the others lately that it feels...intentional, as a friend of mine @/ishcliff has gone more in-depth into that, which will probably end up being the point of conflict this time as he drifts away from the others.

Another interesting example of how you mention Heathcliff's changes is that Meursault is also showing subtle changes himself for example, from talking about his mother unprompted to purposefully not telling on Aeng-du dragging Kim away despite being scolded for not commenting on Sinclair's panic attacks in III, so I wouldn't be surprised if there is more pre-Canto character exploration like you mention, and even more how that character growth will contrast with what's to come, even for Yi Sang who's character arc isn't exactly "complete" despite his breakthrough in Canto IV because the story of the League of Nine still isn't fully untangled and he states this as being his personal resolution to Dante from now on and he still hasn't actually confronted Gubo and then you have the reveal of Rim and Young-ji possibly still being alive and around somewhere

Even in Yield my Flesh again we also had the mention of how Don Quixote has become less reckless and then in V when Rodion pulled Ishmael to the side...and the Sinners have also become aware of the pattern of each one of them having their past exposed and being tested during their journey, so with Dante also wanting to grow close with everyone else and slowly forming that resolution to watch over them and stay by their side I wonder how this will all come to the forefront and how trends will be broken from now on

Thanks for the message! It's all very interesting things to ponder on and speculate, I cannot wait for Canto VI genuinely

[pteropods]

idk idk. A loy of people will hear. a character trapped/tortured/etc for an unrrasonably long time (~100 years in yhis case) and bcs its like. not actually possible they kinda just brush it off, right. But I Cant do that w/ Yoki bcs Im In Too Deep. So ive thought about ut again and again and again and again and again

Like. Yoki was begond his normal lifespan when he git crushed in the debris. He was ~20 when he got the bug, and about 80 years after that he got trapped (I use even number like 20 years old, 80 years later, 100 years under the debris, 500 years in the future, etc. to make things easier and so I dony have to remember exact numbers, but its usually not Exactly that number).

So i mean its not like he was this kid who got trapped, he was a 100 y/o soldier in the midst of battle. But I still think. like. Yoki didnt get the bug because he didnt want to die or smth, and if he had been able to move at all under the debris he probably would have crushed his bug and killed himself. It's just yhe test of the time hes very apathetic about his life- he doesnt stay alive because he enjoys living, it's just that he idnt miserable enough at the moment to go iut of his eay and inflict pain on himself to die.

That was a tangent though. Back on track, Im thinking about Yoki's solitude. Even in solitaty confinement (though still atrocious and inhumane), you're able to walk around, get meals, and speak. Though very limited, thse can at least slightly mitugate the effects. Though, Yoki had none of this. He was impaled through the head, preventing any speech, and pinned down by the weight of the debris which prohibited movement. Honestly regardless of that, i think over a 100-year period the effects wpuld be similar regardless.

Even though his musles and vocal chords couldnt atrophy due to the cellres bug, his mental capacities and knowledge certainly could. If you forget half of your highschool class knowledge just a couple months after you graduate because you don't use it, then over the hundred years Yoki lost knowledge of most things. Even basic survival needs were forgotten.

The human brain has a limited amount of knowledge and insight. If our brains are made to function and consume knowledge for some 80 years, then we only have 80 years worth of things to think about, and even less when you're rapidly forgetting it all. Having only his thoughts could only go so far. Eventually he ran out of things to ponder, questions to answer, memories to look at.

A lot of Yoki's entrapment had him only semi-lucid, it being the only way for his mind to protect itself. His only source of stimulation besides the consistent apin of being crushed and impaled was rapid mood swings between every extreme, and then total apathy. This was repeated on a loop for the majority of the isolation, until even that got dull

And even after he was freed, it wasn't fixed. Having lived without light for so long, he couldn't handle the sun- especially off of the blinding snow- for years. He had to retrain his eyes and esrs and skin to be able to hear and see and touch without completely overwhelming them. Starting from inside the debris and continuing sfter he got out, he would experience constant delsions, hallucinations, and irregular, jumbled thoughts. It likely took almost a lifrtime to recover into how he is now.

[ash-etherwood]

ok so. theres this oc ship ive been obsessed with for the past .... two months now??? and thats all the art i have of them rn i just didnt upload them because for some reason i felt so bad about being insane about the most generic looking rich white people m/f ship on the planet BUT I LOVE THEM OK they are so close to my heart and every night i have to handcuff myself to the radiator in the basement so i dont start writing the modern au im pondering every single day and it hurts so much;;;

yeah as you might expect they are hungergames ocs AGAIN thats why they both die and can never get to know each other the way they deserve and im (((^: unwell.

their names are kane and saint btw so if you see me tag stuff as kaint thats them efwefwef.

honestly the worst thing is that saint started out as a male character with basically no personality besides annoying slut but as the story went on i got more and more attached to her and she kinda threw herself into a love triangle that i didnt plan for and then literally the day i wrote her death scene she was like "hey will. im a girl by the way" and i GENUINELY FELT SO BAD FOR LIKE 3 DAYS about killing off the only trans character in the story already BUT I DIDNT KNOW SHE WAS TRANS AT THAT POINT I SWEAR IM SO SORRY WOMEN but its ok now she haunts the narrative so fucking hard and also i think about her every single day and she is doing her thing in her silly little modern au and i infodump to my friends about her at least once a day and god i love her so much and the more time passes the more complex she becomes and also the. projecting. its happening.

also her boyfriend is a tall blond man with golden eyes and i honestly cant do this anymore you have to kill me,, (he is not my character btw just in case you thought i was just doing a tave ripoff on my own qefefqef he belongs to a friend)

that outfit lineup was the thing that made me realise shes trans btw. like it just clicked. you guys know what i mean right. who am i talking to. can anyone hear me. its so dark in here.

[underratedandoverit]

they dont see you but i do (and i love you)

~5k words orangekip (orange cassidy/kip sabian)

whaddup have a secret relationship fic. this got unnecessarily long but who cares its good lol. slight shades of angst and some hurt/comfort, especially closer to the end, but its basically your usual pondering over difficult relationships stuff that you should be used from me by now if you come here often lol. oh also kris is here as ive fallen in love with writing her and i dont even know if im doing her that good LOL kip says fuck too many times. as per usual. other than that theres not really anything to warrant a high rating for it tbh

@midnightpretenders0 @stormbornpirate

on ao3

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Laying on the bed, Kip eyed the ceiling opening above him, listening to the quiet sounds around him. It was just another week of this, being stuck in the hotel room, waiting for the next day to roll around so he could get to work. Take care of business there as per usual, get back to the hotel for the night, fly home the next day, and wait anxiously to repeat the whole thing next week.

It was the same thing week in and week out.

But at the same time, he didn’t really mind it in the end, Kip thought as he watched the bathroom door being pushed open, the blond walking out and approaching the bed. Cassidy plopped sitting down to the bed next to him, running a lazy hand through Kip’s brightly colored hair, the Brit sending him a tired smile.

“Long flight?” Cassidy asked, as if he hadn’t just spent like ten minutes making himself presentable after coming in from his own flight. Kip just chuckled at him quietly, scooting a bit closer as he snuggled against Cassidy’s side. He didn’t need to reply to the question, the answer was pretty obvious to both of them.

“Just happy you’re here finally,” he muttered into Cassidy’s side, the blond nodding despite knowing Kip couldn’t see the response from him. He continued to run a hand through his hair, spinning coils of it around his finger as Cassidy stared off into the distance across the room, briefly wondering why Kip hadn’t turned the television on while he had been waiting. They had arrived separately despite sharing a hotel room, like usually, not only because it would have taken one of them a good hour or two or maybe more of waiting for the other’s plane to land.

But also because the newly blossoming relationship was still a secret they were both in mutual agreement trying to kind of hold under the wraps to their coworkers and people around them, in hopes of being able to break the news when the response would have been at least a little bit less turbulent than what it would have been with them coming off from as heated of an on-screen feud as they had had the past couple of months.

Honestly at least to Cassidy it wouldn’t have been a huge surprise if some people had already started to put the pieces together, even if they had been openly sworn enemies up to just a few weeks ago. While they didn’t spend time together publicly, it was probably very obvious they were both hiding something from their own friend groups. Cassidy sure as hell knew Chuck and Trent had been asking him questions why he always disappeared so fast after the shows and never flew in early anymore for fun outings the nights before and so forth, and he always had to come up with some excuses like just wanting to spend some more time at home or the convenience of late hour flights. Kip had very similar stories to tell, and while they didn’t really have many mutual friends, surely someone at this point had started to think things. Like Cassidy had seen the way both Kris and Danhausen looked at him when he was talking about all of this.

“Clementine? Are you listening?”

Cassidy snapped out of his thoughts, looking down at the questioning look from Kip as the other man gently poked him on the thigh to gather his attention again. Cassidy shook his head a little, letting out a sigh. “Sorry. What’s up?”

“I was just thinking,” Kip started, pushing himself up into a sitting position next to him, leaning his back against the backboard of the bed. “Since I’m going to visit home next week. Why don’t you come with me? We can have a little getaway away from work together.”

Cassidy’s brows furrowed a bit as he processed the rather out of character proposal from Kip. He had been talking about going back to the UK to visit for a while now, but this was the first time he had directly made a comment about them possibly taking on this trip together, and something about him so randomly bringing this up now just felt very odd to Cassidy.

“I don’t know if I can get a whole week off.”

Kip pouted at him a little, knowing full well that wasn’t the only reason he was hesitant to immediately agree to his little proposal. “You’ve been working almost every single week for almost a year now. You can have a little time off, I’m sure. It would just be really nice to have some company.”

“Isn’t there anyone else you could ask?” Kip rolled his eyes, already knowing that Cassidy was going to try to pull as many excuses as possible to avoid being dragged along to this. “It would raise a lot of questions if we both flew to the UK at the same time when there’s nothing going on over there that we need to promote or appear in. Sharing a flight, sharing the time, sharing--”

“Yeah, okay, I get it, you don’t wanna go.” Kip turned away from him, clearly irritated by this turn of events as he leaned away, fetching the remote from the nightstand on his side of the bed, turning the television on. “You don’t have to be so rude about it.”

“It would just be suspicious if--”

“And what does that matter?” Kip asked with a sigh, Cassidy already regretting ever answering anything when this topic was brought up. “We’ve been dancing around this topic for weeks now. Is that ever going to fucking stop, or are we going to just keep this as a secret forever? It’s been like, what, two months at least now and nothing has changed except we just need to keep being more and more careful as time goes on. Do you understand how exhausting that is?”

It wasn’t really a surprise to Cassidy that Kip was bringing all of this up, and honestly he was right about it too. It had been a few weeks now, and it was wearing both of them down steadily, but surely. Constantly having to arrange things around one another but still keep being together a secret, never answering their friends questions about their free time anymore, not being able to spend time together while they were at work… It was all very exhausting, yes, but at the same time maybe that was at this point in time still better than potentially facing the backlash of bringing this whole relationship into light.

Cassidy just really had no idea how to tell all that to Kip in a way he would understand it better, especially when he knew just as well as the Brit himself did that Kip was already very well aware of all of these facts too.

“I just wish we could act like… I don’t know, fucking normal I guess, around other people too. I just want to be able to do stuff with you without it being all like this.”

Kip didn’t need to specify what “this” meant in this context, Cassidy already knew it. This was far from the first time they had talked about this, far from the first time either of them had tried to push out some ideas to maybe bring this all into the light. Cassidy less so, but nonetheless, to both of them this was an issue they needed to solve. Eventually more so for Cassidy, if he was being honest. Sure being so secretive was stressful and taxing, but at the same time he felt like this was all working out really well for the two of them, and having to bring it all out to the public when he didn’t know what kind of a general reaction they would get, was probably actually making him feel more anxious than trying to continue to hide it all for as long as possible until the world was ready to hear about the two of them in his mind.

“Whatever. Forget I even asked. I’ll just go alone, it’s fine.”

Before Cassidy could even muster an apology out of him, let alone a reply of any sort, Kip pushed himself up from the bed, picking up his bag on the way as he headed for the bathroom. A heavy sigh escaped from Cassidy as he heard the shower being turned on soon after, knowing that while the conversation was now definitely over for the night, on the long term the struggle had just started. While they hadn’t maybe been together for that long yet, he already had a very clear vision of what kind of a person Kip was especially in a relationship, and Cassidy knew full well when he set his mind onto something like this, Kip wasn’t going to let it go before he got what he wanted. Or something went terribly wrong while he was trying to get his desired results.

Cassidy just wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to give it to him yet. Eventually, obviously, if things between them went on well enough for long enough, they would make it official publicly as well to at least their friends and coworkers. But right now he still wasn’t entirely sure about it. While it didn’t feel very fast, it wasn’t like they had just gotten together yesterday, it had been a couple of weeks at this point, something about it was still off putting to him.

Maybe it was the fact that it had been a while and they were still hiding it. Obviously Kip didn’t really like that anymore, and Cassidy wasn’t even sure why they had carried it out this long. Out of habit probably, but it still felt more comfortable to him than putting it out there. Something about keeping it a secret felt safe, even if it was definitely the more taxing option, and he just wanted to cling onto that feeling maybe.

He shook his head, hand reaching for the remote as he turned the television off before proceeding to prepare himself for bed. It was obvious no more conversations were going to be had tonight, and it was late already, they really did need to sleep in order to be able to get to work tomorrow. Turning the lights off Cassidy listened to the sound of the running water coming from the bathroom as he returned to the bed, settling himself comfortably under the blanket. Kip was taking his sweet time, probably trying to distance himself from the previous conversation, giving them both time to breath. Or at least that’s what Cassidy was hoping for.

Trying to calm his own mind with a couple of deep inhales, Cassidy settled on his spot in the bed, snuggling his head against the pillow and closed his eyes. He was already tired from all the traveling and the mental toll all of this was taking on him, so it didn’t take Cassidy long to fall asleep despite the situation around him.

---------------------------

Navigating his way through backstage, Cassidy was basically looking for any possible glimpse of Kip he could. He hadn’t seen Kip since last night, by the time morning rolled around and Cassidy woke up, Kip was already gone from the hotel room. It wasn’t anything unusual for them to leave at different times to avoid suspicion, but usually they at least had breakfast together before leaving. And this morning Kip was just gone, before he even woke up, which was unusual for him, especially since usually Cassidy was the one that left first as Kip liked to sleep in and took longer in general to get ready for the day.

Cassidy didn’t blame him after what transpired the night before, but truth to be told, he was a little hurt by it all, there was no denying that. At least if something positive came out of this, Cassidy knew now fully where Kip stood with this topic, and it made it easier for him to make up his mind about it too.

Well. At least somewhat easier. Pulling the trigger on something like this especially when you had to afterwards explain to all of your friends why you had been hiding it from them for weeks wasn’t going to be easy. Cassidy already knew that at least Chuck was going to freak out at him no matter what. But at least if that happened, they would easily use his reaction as one of the key example reasons why they had decided to keep it under wraps up until this point.

Finally stopping the fruitless search and pushing the locker room door open, Cassidy was rather surprised to actually find it empty. Usually he was the last one to arrive out of their group, especially when they spent the morning hiding away at the hotel with Kip. Maybe it shouldn’t have been so surprising to him that the rest of the Best Friends hadn’t arrived yet, considering that things hadn’t happened this morning. With a sigh he flung his bag on the couch, taking a seat next to it.

He was going to get to see Kip eventually, that much was for sure. Even if he had gotten so irritated with Cassidy that he somehow would have gone through getting a whole separate hotel room, which Cassidy doubted but wasn’t completely ruling out immediately considering how last night had gone, they still had a big multi men tag team match between their respective groups happening tonight. So at least they were going to be sharing the ring tonight, if not the bed later.

Thankfully he didn’t have to be alone with his thoughts for too long, as soon the door swung open again, Cassidy watching Kris stroll in, a smile landing on her face as soon as she saw the blond sitting on the couch.

“Orange! Perfect!” Cassidy just shrugged back at her as he leaned back on his seat, just kind of hoping tonight would be over quickly. Kris parked her luggage next to the couch before walking around the room, quickly checking in the shower and bathroom before returning to Cassidy. “The rest of the boys are not here yet?”

He shook his head, the smile just growing bigger on her face as Kris threw herself down on the couch next to him. “Good, I wanted to ask you something.”

Cassidy didn’t even have time to let the dread build inside of him before Kris already blurted out the words he had been hoping nobody would be directing at him any time soon.

“Sooooo you are dating someone, aren’t you?”

Cassidy didn’t need to reply, as the way he tensed up visibly at the question already told Kris everything she needed to know, making her gasp a little bit in excitement as she pushed herself up in a proper sitting position on the couch, her eyes never leaving Cassidy as she did. “I knew it! The boys didn’t believe me but I knew it!”

“Kris, please--”

“Who is it? Do I know them? How did you meet? How long have you been together? What--”

“Kris. Please.”

She pouted a little at being interrupted, but quieted down pretty fast seeing how exhausted Cassidy was already about this whole thing. The blond just sighed, removing the sunglasses from his face before he wiped a clearly frustrated hand over it, letting out the sigh.

“If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”

Kris didn’t reply, just watched as Cassidy put the sunglasses back on, trying to relax a little on his seat. He knew it was pointless to try to hide the truth from Kris at this point obviously, but this was also maybe one of the worst possible times she could have actually brought this up with him. Whatever he said, it was either not going to convince her, or she was just going to keep on asking more questions, no matter what. And Cassidy just really didn’t want to think about all of this right now.

“…Sorry.”

Cassidy glanced in her direction, watching Kris’ eyes land on her lap, her fingertips tracing the folds of her jeans as she was trying to find a direction to take this conversation. Cassidy sighed again, shaking his head a little. “It’s fine. Or whatever.”

“Sorry,” she muttered again, reflecting his sigh with a quiet one of her own. “I just got excited. We’ve been speculating about this a lot with the guys and, well…”

Her voice trailed off, but Cassidy just nodded a little. Obviously the lies he had been telling had been easy to read through, honestly he was pretty sure the only reason why Kris was the one thinking along the right lines was because of Chuck and Trent’s denial about the situation, which was probably also why she was the first one confronting him and not either of them. He couldn’t blame her though, not only because she was right, but this was obviously a fairly big deal. Big enough to potentially disrupt the group dynamic even, especially if they found out who it exactly was that Cassidy was involved with.

“…You’re right though.”

Kris looked back up at him, blinking blankly at him a couple of times as she was registering his words in her brain. Cassidy just shrugged. He had no real reason to hide it from her if she had already figured it out up to this point. Denying her the truth only to hopefully eventually bring it up again wasn’t going to leave pretty marks. “But you can’t tell them, okay? We are not…”

He stopped to think about it for a moment, shaking his head slightly. “I’m not ready for that yet.”

For what it was worth, Kip obviously seemed to want to take the next step sooner or later, way earlier than he was ready for it honestly. Cassidy understood his side of things, but then again, Kip didn’t seem to have as much hanging here as he did. He hated to say it, but Kip seemed to have much more supportive friends in this case than he did. He never complained about anyone around him probing him for extra details about his life or the times he didn’t spend around them like the people around Cassidy seemed to do. And he knew Kip loved to complain, so this wasn’t just a thing he didn’t talk to Cassidy about. It just didn’t happen at all, or even nearly to the degree it happened almost on a weekly basis at this point with Cassidy.

He sighed. “I’m not ready for that yet.”

Kris nodded her head, sending him a little encouraging smile. “Of course. Again, sorry, I got a little carried away there. Just… When you’re comfortable, okay? I would love to hear all about it. For support, not for gossip. Obviously.”

Cassidy chuckled a little, glad not only for Kris’ immediate understanding but her lighthearted way of trying to lighten up the mood. “Sure.”

“Just,” she started, eyes trailing off as she glanced around the room, slightly awkwardly trying to look at anything but Cassidy in the moment, “You don’t have to answer, of course, but… Why?” His eyes narrowed at her behind the sunglasses, Kris just shrugging a little. “Why aren’t you ready? Why is this a secret?”

He had a million answers to it that he could give to her. So many ways to say it, so many ways not to. A lie for every truth he had in him. Instead he just motioned vaguely with one lazy hand around him, watching Kris raise a brow at him. Cassidy wasn’t sure what kind of an answer she had been expecting after all that, but apparently it wasn’t really this. But the look in her eyes still told him that she got it.

“…Is it the guys?”

Neither of them was sure why Kris was even asking, as soon as the question left her lips the answer was very obvious. Even more so as almost on cue the locker room door opened again, the two people in question walking into the room, Trent following up in Chuck’s leading footsteps. As both Kris and Cassidy turned towards them Chuck froze on his spot, glancing between the two of them, it being very obvious that they had interrupted something important here.

“Sorry, bad timing?”

Both of them just shook their heads, not answering anything beyond that despite the suspicious look they gathered from Chuck.

---------------------------

He knocked on the locker room door, but was met only with silence. This was expected though and it didn’t falter his plan as Cassidy just pushed the door open, not being surprised in the slightest to find the other man sitting there, sulking all by himself. He was right where he was promised to be.

As he heard the door open, Kip glanced towards it, obviously annoyed as he had wanted to be left alone for a while, a genuine look of surprise crossing his face at the sight of his boyfriend instead of one his stablemates like he had been obviously expecting.

“Clemen--”

Kip stopped himself before the affectionate nickname slipped from his mouth, quickly turning away to hide the slight shade of pink that climbed on his cheeks. Cassidy did his best to pretend he didn’t see any of it as he walked up to the other man, in his head trying to decide if Kip was being so bashful about it because of what had transpired in the ring and he was hurt about it, or if this was about trying to not show such affection towards him in public. He wasn’t entirely sure, but it was probably a bit of both.

“What do you want? Didn’t you already mock me enough out there?”

Cassidy glanced down at the ice pack he was holding in one hand that Kip had obviously missed him carrying, carefully extending it towards Kip, placing it against the side of his face. The Brit flinched away a little, but as Cassidy insisted on holding it against him, Kip hesitantly accepted it into his own hands.

“I didn’t mean to hit you that hard. Sorry.”

Kip muttered something that sounded like an insult back at him, still refusing to look back at Cassidy. The blond observed him for a moment, finally taking a seat on the bench next to him. Kip didn’t look at him, to be honest Cassidy was pretty sure he turned a little bit more away from him actually. The blond opted out to observe his hands as the stiff silence fell in the room between the two of them, it being obvious that some of this tension needed to be relieved one way or another.

Cassidy slowly removed his sunglasses, letting out a quiet sigh.

“Look, I’m sorry. About last night.”

“No you’re not.”

Cassidy’s eyes narrowed as Kip finally turned back towards him, his eyes still wandering around to everything but to look directly at the blond. At this point Cassidy wasn’t entirely sure if the slight reddish color on his face was a blush or a potential bruise starting to form on the side of his face where the Orange Punch had landed earlier.

“You’re not sorry about what happened. I am. I’m the one that was out of line.”

Leaning forward on his seat, Kip leaned his arms against his legs, letting out a sigh. “You were right. It would be all too weird and suspicious if we did any of that. Sorry for even suggesting it.”

He ran a free hand through his hair, shaking his head a little. “I’m just… You know. Fucking tired of all of this.”

As Cassidy remained silent, both of them knowing he didn’t need to say anything to confirm to Kip that he knew exactly what he was talking about, Kip just shook his head again, turning his eyes away from Cassidy.

“I just… I don’t want to just be your dirty little secret forever.”

“You’re not my dirty little secret.” Kip snorted quietly, choosing to sulk a little beyond the shadow of the ice pack again, to avoid eye contact with Cassidy. “Well, you are a secret and definitely dirty, but you know what I mean.”

“Sure do make me feel like I am.”

Cassidy knew this game Kip was playing and how he had the way to twist his words into the way he wanted to hear them, that being nothing but the negative in this case, so he just remained silent, letting the Brit continue talking.

“I hate tiptoeing around everyone else about this or my life in general. I hate it that I can’t just find you and hold you or your hand when I want to, that I can’t just push you against the lockers to kiss you. I hate going home alone and having to wait a week to come back to you for barely a full day before repeating the lonely cycle all over again. I fucking hate all of this.”

Kip let out a soft chuckle, sounding almost disappointed in his own line of thinking. “Fuck, I hate you for making me fall in love enough to keep on doing this.”

Cassidy observed him from the side, knowing full well that everything Kip was saying was genuine, as much as it hurt to think about. Mostly because he felt the same way himself, and not only seeing but also hearing that Kip was willingly making these sacrifices because Cassidy had asked him to, every word felt like a little stab to his heart that he was just forced to take because this was his own doing.

“I know why we are doing this, but…”

“It’s tiring. I know.”

Kip finally looked directly at him, scanning the clearly tired face of the blond, almost as if to try to find some hints of insincerity, like these were just words he was saying because he knew they were ones that Kip wanted to hear, but he came short in his search.

“I don’t like this either. But it’s… It’s for the best right now.”

Kip sighed, but he nodded, knowing Cassidy wasn’t playing him just for fun. They both knew how exhausting this situation was, and the reasons for them keeping it this way, despite how it was affecting everything. They had talked about this a lot, but it didn’t make it much better for Kip, if he was being honest. He couldn’t recount the times he had straight up told Cassidy ‘fuck what anyone else thinks’, but he had still kept his promise to keep it all under the wraps. For him.

He felt a hand land on his tight, Kip’s eyes traveling down to it, a soft smile crossing his lips as he reached his free hand for it, intertwining their fingers together before squeezing Cassidy’s hand carefully.

“The fucking things I do for you,” he sighed, hearing a soft chuckle coming from Cassidy. His thumb carefully petted Kip’s, Cassidy just observing their hands sitting in Kip’s lap before he spoke up again.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about something. Other than apologizing for your face.”

Kip glanced up at him, Cassidy not returning the look as he kept looking at their hands, a little smile playing on his lips as he pondered through his words.

“About what you said last night. I think I might actually take you up on that trip offer.”

Kip’s brows furrowed at him, but Cassidy just kept smiling. “Maybe it would be a good thing. Not for the potential rumors but…” He looked up, directing the smile straight at Kip, leaving no room for any misinterpretations of what he was saying. “Maybe it would be really good for us.”

Cassidy could feel Kip’s grip of his hand tighten a little, a barely noticeable amount, but the man never broke eye contact with him, looking almost surprised at his words. “Really? You… You do want to go with me?”

Cassidy shrugged, but kept on smiling. “Sure, why not? Like you said, we should spend more time together, and having this little getaway could do us some good. See if we can… Hold this together for more than two days at a time or whatever. And without having to worry about someone catching us.”

In a one fell swoop Kip dropped the ice pack from his face and his hand, with his now free hand reaching for Cassidy, pulling him closer by the back of his head for a kiss that was almost as big of a surprise to him as Cassidy’s statement just now was to Kip. Cassidy chuckled softly against the kiss, eventually returning it before Kip cut it short by pulling away again, looking away almost instantly as a shade of regret crossed his face as he realized what he had just done.

“Shit, sorry, I-I didn’t mean to. You just… Really surprised me.”

Cassidy just shrugged it off with a smile. It wasn’t uncharacteristic for Kip to act this affectionate, especially when put on a spot, but they had been extra careful and making sure such acts of affection weren’t done in public, which was the part that caught him off guard. Cassidy reached his hand for Kip’s face, landing it on his cheek, turning him back towards him.

Him blushing like that was so endearing to Cassidy.

“Your friends won’t bother us for a while. It’s alright.”

A soft smile crossed Kip’s lips, but Cassidy was sure he could see a little smirk also tucking in the corners of his mouth as Kip registered his words.

“Oh thank god.”

Before Cassidy could reply, Kip grabbed a handful of his shirt, pulling him close for another kiss, this time clearly intentional enough that Kip wasn’t going to let him go any time soon. Which suited him just fine, as Cassidy didn’t want him to, allowing his free hand to run through Kip’s hair as he let the Brit deepen the kiss.

[miitopias]

would also like ur thoughts on everything i will listen to u talk abt video games always LOL but 6 9 12 22 28!

thank uu and likewise 🫶🫶 will not answer everything bc thts so many but also i feel like ive covered a lot of these topics before on my sideblog but! i will answer these for u 🫰

6. A series you’ve enjoyed since your early days of gaming and still enjoy to this day whether it still has games coming out or is one you return to pokemon and rhythm heaven :') ❤️ from these series ive only played platinum and rhds as a kid, so as an adult ive been enjoying their other titles.. though i do not rly care for 3d pokemon titles.. but with time that may change. and wait technically final fantasy, bc i had the ff4 ds cartridge as a kid. except it was in japanese and i had no idea how to play it and did fuck all. i didnt even realize it was final fantasy until years later when i played ff7, and i recognized the running from battle animation. and now i have final fantasy brainrot <3

9. A game you played completely blind with no prior knowledge of and enjoyed/loved ff9 and ghost trick 😎 im so happy i played these without any spoilers or any idea what to expect, bc i really think thats the best way to experience them

12. A character you particularly like in the game you’re currently playing YRP girlies 😎😎😎 idk when ill ever finish x-2 cuz this ps3 is kinda busted, but despite their kinda cringe dialogue i still love yuna and the girlies

22. A game ending that’s really stuck with you FF9....... i think u saw my insanity firsthand when i did not shut up about it for like 8 months 😭 it really changed my life bc it was ff9 that really made me get more serious w literary analysis of games and medias in general, bc i just wanted to understand everything abt this story. majora's mask similarly changed my life and was the reason i made a sideblog to begin with, because i NEEDEDDD to be insane about this game somewhere.. god what an ending. god. ok im not going to go insane abt it rn LOL my focus is on Spider-Man now.

28. Pick a series you like. What was the first game you played for it? Was it a good starting point? Would it still be a good starting point now? i wont pick final fantasy bc my answer is literally the same as yours LOL so um... i will pick zelda. my first zelda game was botw and honestly that is an AWFUL starting point for getting into zelda JFKLJSDL bc its just so. fucking different from every zelda game out there. and also bc its a love letter to the franchise, that probably a million references flew over my head bc i didnt know what they were referencing. but yeah like its just absolutely awful to go from a game where you can freely jump to a game where you have to ROLL.

but at the same time i dont think botw is an awful starting point. bc like.... its a good game. its a good Modern game. like the older zelda games, especially the 3d titles, are extremely outdated. i dont think anyone should be playing those in this day and age when botw/totk is there to experience instead. while not ideal, i think its fine to hit it off with a modern switch title, then work your way down to older titles.

of course 2d zeldas are a different thing. dare i say, the superior thing. also i dont believe anyone should get into zelda. bad franchise. except when the games are good. all pondering aside the best starting point for zelda is ALBW, then MM3D. maybe some MINISH CAP as a treat. those are the only existing zelda titles. to me. but jokes aside if someone is really gonna have a 'starting point' for zelda games then its definitely BOTW/TOTK or ALBW. doesnt matter whether its a switch title or ALBW played first, but its very very very very important that ALBW is played as well.

[narwhalandchill]

Tag game: Current

got tagged by @begaydoalchemy !! thank u !!

- Current time: 9:45 (AM for you US peeps smh)

- Current activity: finished up prefarming blades traces to 6/8/8/8. double calyx drops events is a godsend. was listening to a video essay on the bg but the favorite song section made me go listen to stiny on repeat again bc i love inflicting emotional damage on myself so i guess thats what.

- Currently thinking about: so theres this person in the hsr leaks subreddit megathread doing daily renheng insanity ponderings since blades trailer dropped and ive been just losing my mind ever since reading them. anyway i wanted everyone here to get to see them too but didnt wanna repost em bc its just kinda ehhhh to do so. here u go!! suffer with me!!! click the links theres all 3!!! (spoilery warning tho. idr how many leaks refs there are in there exactly but expect some at least)

- Current favorite song: spotify most listened to top5 currently looking like NEON by raon, kissaki by reol, wildfire, cha cha cha (we will never forgive xx swedes watch out) and stiny from KALUSH & jerry heil.

but like let me be clear the only reason reol isnt number 1 is bc the full version of the song only came out like 2 weeks ago and the earlier released shorter anime ver of kissaki is literally 7th on the list.

- Currently reading: ...i mean mostly just renheng fanfic but uhhh. i did read where the crawdads sing from delia owens (just plucked it out from the bookshelf randomly bc i was bored) a month or so back. it was neat but no like particular strong feelings abt it. it was very well written and i liked the flow of the prose a lot. also waiting for crooked kingdom to get a finnish translation bc i got six of crows in finnish and i dont do book series as mixed language sets generally. (also the translation work itself was just like an absolute fucking banger with the imagery and metaphors used like chef kiss)

- Currently watching: no particular show (last thing was when i rewatched fmab a couple months ago) going on but like. random video essays or informative stuff on yt honestly and its mostly for bg noise.

- Current favorite character: gee i wonder. dan heng (past editions included), blade, (big gap here bc i tunnel vision on characters), bailu, luocha, jing yuan i think for specific ones from hsr for now. am looking out for jingliu and fu xuan too i need to study them. in genshin its like. yeah its mr childe ajax tartaglia all the way but i kinda just havent been feeling it for the game much so eh. tighnari, kazuha up there too n arlecchino obvi.

- Current WIPS: what kind of productive person do you take me for??? ig i like. opened word this week to type out some random passage drafts for a ficlet type thing relating to the post i made a while back abt belobogs temperatures wrt dan hengs potential terrible, horrible, no good, very bad scalie time with it but do Not expect any results from that or anything i s2g. ive finished one fic in my life and that was half poetry half madness full one sitting and be done with it type deal

im sorry i have no idea who to tag so like. anyone who wants to do it feel free, mutuals or followers!!! :]

[featherzen]

hello :)

[jakekiszkaenthusiast]

A Helping Hand

pairing: josh kiszka x reader 

warnings: SMUT, male received oral. 

author’s note: another josh story just for my dearest :) 

“hey, stupid! are you gonna answer my question or not?”

“wha-what?”

“do you want pizza or thai?”

“oh, uh..thai.”

you looked over at your best friend with your eyebrows furrowed, concerned by his lack of focus. typing in the order you knew he’d want and pondering which drink you’d like, you sit back onto your couch, letting your knees bump josh’s.

he pulls back suddenly- almost as if he was burnt by the contact. your face creases even more, and breathe a laugh through your nose.

after almost two hours, pad thai had been eaten, the end of a film was playing and your level of concern- potentially even frustration- had grown to unavoidable amounts. testing his reaction, you shuffle closer to him, once again letting your knee bump his and watch him pull his body completely away from you without even looking at you.

“okay, josh. what’s going on?” you sigh, throwing your hands up into the air. he looks over to you, coffee coloured eyes meeting yours.

“what do you mean?”

“you know what i mean, josh. this is the first time we see each other in months and you won’t even let me be close to you? we always cuddle when we watch movies.” your voice reaches a whiney register as you speak, letting your lips form a pout once you finish your point.

“oh-uh, i’m sorry. i’m just tired.” his answer was unsatisfactory. he refused to meet your gaze any longer after your head cocked to the left, your eyebrows raising to show how unimpressed you were.

“that’s not it. even when you’re tired, you cuddle- probably even more than usual. what’s wrong?”

“nothing, love. just drop it.”

“josh, you have to tell me now. tell me tell me tell me tell me-“

“i can’t come, okay? ive been on the road, and so busy and i just haven’t had any…special time with anyone. it’s making me a little antsy.”

the words hang in the air and you feel your jaw go slack. that certainly wasn’t the answer you were expecting. a few moments go by before a gentle nudge to your arm pulls you back to the planet, and you feel your cheeks flush slightly.

“oh- uhh, i don’t know what to say. i’m sorry?”

“no, it’s fine. its just- i cant even, y’know, do anything by myself anymore. its like being blueballed constantly.”

“and for how long?” you ask quietly.

“almost three months. i feel like there’s something wrong with me, love. there’s just too much tension now and i can’t get a release.” he sighs deeply, rubbing his hands over his eyes.

an idea springs to your mind, but you try to make it go away. there was no way he’d say yes. you were letting your small, tiny, unimportant crush get in the way of josh’s genuine problem. you sigh loudly, having to physically shake your head to rid yourself of the thought.

“what, what? why are you shaking your head?” josh asks, concern laced through his voice.

“uh- nothing. i’m not sure how to help you, babe. are you sure you’ve tried everything?”

“everything. i’ve felt ridiculous these past few months, acting like a horny teenager. it’s honestly embarrassing.” he squeezes his eyes shut and pushes his head against the back of the sofa. you reach out and press a hand to his knee.

“it’s not embarrassing, josh. you just need..uh..to find a solution.” you stammer, having almost just let slip what you really wanted to suggest to him.

“i just need to..what?” he looks over at you, the sides of his lips curling upwards. his knee twitches and reminds you that you’re still stroking it softly.

ok. this can go one of two ways. either, you tell him and it works, or it doesn’t and he never wants to speak to you again. though, looking at him spread out on the sofa with his legs wide and his eyes barely open, you struggle to see the cons of your idea. the decision is made before you can even think properly.

you slink off the sofa onto the floor, shuffling until you were kneeling directly in front of josh. his eyes widen slightly, and a small gasp leaves his mouth.

“wait, y/n. i didn’t mean-i mean, if you wanted to i wouldn’t mi- please don’t think this is why i told you-“

“are you going to let me help you out or not, babe?”

“uhm, if you want to, i don’t want you to feel obligated-“

“let me give you a hand.”

“oh-okay.”

you place both hands on his knees, gulping down any inhibitions you held. letting your hands slide up his thighs with feather-light touch, you muse to yourself that his face had very quickly changed. his eyebrows were pulled together and his lip was set into a line, focusing only on your hands and the unspoken boundaries of friendship they crossed.

once you finally got to his belt buckle, you released the button and zipper of his jeans, revealing black boxers. a whisper of a touch against the newly revealed fabric told you he was already hard, though you were sure his face could have told you that.

a shuddering breath wracks through his body as your fingers dance around the waistband of his boxers, teasing and softly stroking the small slither of exposed skin above the band of elastic. he loses his patience and ungraciously shoves the material off of his body, sighing with newfound comfort as his rock-hard cock springs up against his clothed stomach.

“where do you want me to touch you, babe?”

“please, just anywhere. just touch me.” he gets out through his teeth, looking more desperate to be touched than he’d ever looked in his life.

you gently take him into your hands. he was panting, pushing his palms into the couch cushions beside him in attempts to keep his composure, but you knew it would soon be lost as you guide him towards your mouth.

as you suspected, josh’s eyes fluttered and rolled back when your tongue swirls around his tip. you pull off of him with a pop, before flattening your tongue against the base of his length and licking a languid strip until you reach the top. every move felt experimental, though you couldn’t lie and say you hadn’t thought about this very situation in great detail, so you had some idea of what you wanted to do with him.

there was a whole list of filthy things you had wanted to do to him, and you were determined to tick them off one by one. however the main objective, for now, was to simply make him come. his eyes were still rolling, knees twitching every time you sucked a little bit harder.

you take all of him in your mouth, letting him hit the back of your throat. his hands find your hair, pushing it out of your face and knotting it between his hands until it softly ached, eliciting a moan from you. the vibrations of your throat against him make his hips rut and you gag, tears filling your eyes.

when you come up for air, string of spit still connecting you to him, meeting his eyes feels difficult. however, a strong hand grips your chin and forces you to look at him, a short gasp leaving your lips. josh’s pupils are blown, and his chest is heaving.

your eyes flick down to his parted lips and he licks them. his thumb traces your bottom lip and forces its way into your mouth, sending a shockwave of excitement to your stomach.

“back to work, angel.” he whispers, removing his thumb and again tangling with your hair, to push your head back towards his cock.

eagerly continuing your previous work, you begin a pattern of hollowing your cheeks and bobbing your head, your hands stroking what your mouth couldn’t quite reach. his moans, short gasps and the lewd sounds of your mouth are the only sounds occupying the otherwise silent room.

every sound, every sigh, every twitch he made sent another shock to your core and you were sure you were dripping with arousal- he could enjoy that later, but for now this was about him.

his hips had found a gentle rhythm rocking into your mouth, head thrown back against the couch and mouth hanging wide open as pleasure overtook him. the fingers laced in your hair weren’t gentle: tugging and squeezing against your scalp to urge you to continue.

“oh, fuck-you take me so well, sweetheart. keep going, i’m nearly there.” he manages to get out, and you mentally applaud him for being able to think straight enough to praise you.

josh’s words spur you on, and you begin moving faster to help him reach his peak. a low moan leaves his mouth, his chest moving even faster and his fingers pushing against your scalp.

“fuuuuuuuuck, keep going. i want you to swallow my come. can you do that for me?”

every sentence is finished with a loud gaps, as he’s barely able to keep his body from writhing under you. this was quite possibly the hottest thing you’ve ever experienced. you hum affirmatively against him, squeezing your spare hand onto his thigh.

feeling his cock throb in your mouth, you make sure to watch his face as he comes, revelling in his blissed-out expression. his head is still thrown back, his eyebrows knotted, his mouth wide open and his throat exposed.

a deep grunt leaves him, and he shudders as he comes deep into your mouth. you swallow every drop and stick your tongue out to prove to him you had done so, and he softly pats your cheek to say well done.

slowly pulling off him, you make eye contact with him and make sure he sees you wink. you press a kiss to his still-red tip and he breathes a laugh.

“that was..”

“did it help?”

“i think you’re gonna have to start coming on tour with us.”

[boromorous]

PLEASE UR TAGS ON MY ART AAAAAAAA!!!!!!😭😭😭😭💛💛💛💛💛 IM SO GLAD WE ALL LOVE FÍLI IN THIS HOUSE LIKE THAT COMIC U MADE OF HIM AND DRAGONSICKNESS??? DO YUO KNOW HOW INSANE I AM ABOUT THIS IDEA OMG IVE BEEN PONDERING IT FOR LIKE A MONTH NOW I PACE AROUND THINKING ABOUT IT AND U CAAPTURED IT ALL SO PERFECTLY omg sorry for screaming i just llove. yuor art sm tha nk you for making it and sharing it with ús i cherish it all sm💛💛💛💛💛💛

BRO PLEASE your art is the freaking BEST, HOW COULD I NOT BE OBSESSED WITH IT!!? I swear every time u draw something i just need to stare at it for forever

AND TY!!! im so interested in what u were and are thinking about!! I would love to know how u would do it!!! i mean, honestly i started that comic because i was like "i don't think fili would get gold sickness???" but i wanted to see it anyway XD!!!

AND LMAO no need to apologize XD i'm basically feral over ur art so like, the sentiment is RETURNED!! 💕💕💕💕

[haechanhues]

Like Unrequited IV

Part ONE | Part TWO | Part THREE | Part FOUR 

pairing : heeseung x fem!reader / sunghoon x fem!reader 

genre : angst/fluff. bulleted. 

warnings : hmm, swearing. a little bit of a scuffle. 

summary : where the curse of unrequited is given to another. 

It was almost night time when you and Sunghoon dawdled into a Subway together 

Hungry from just walking through the city 

Getting to talk to each other about the randomest things 

Playing little games 

Not letting go of his hands once 

You didn’t really want to

His hands felt nice in yours and after the shittiest couple of months you just had 

You wanted to be selfish 

You wanted to hold a hot guy’s hand when the air was getting colder, roaming around and being the teenager all those Pinterest boards motivated you for 

He pressed his lips together as he recognised the music playing 

He turned towards you 

Pumped up on the adrenaline of the cool air outside 

You picked out the cookies you wanted to try 

Collecting almost a baker’s dozen 

You turned towards him to ask a question 

It wasn’t really important anyway 

Because when you looked at where he was sitting 

He was smiling at you, wiggling his eyebrows and shimmying his shoulders to the beat a little 

You danced a little in reply 

And it felt like all the possible magic in the world surrounded you in this moment 

Time wasn’t really time 

You had felt a similar type of way once (with Heeseung) but this was different 

You truly felt it this time 

There was no fear of rejection or fear of the unknown 

You didn’t really care 

Not with Sunghoon anyway 

You grabbed the cookies with a sweet smile which was surprisingly returned from the owner 

You still wore it as you approached Sunghoon 

‘What are you smiling at?’ 

Sunghoon asked, his expression somehow mirroring yours 

You decide to be brave 

‘You.’ 

‘Me?’ 

‘You.’ 

He licked his lips, grasping your hand in his again and braving the cold wind together 

The two of you were acting all mushy when you returned through the school doors 

It wasn’t as free as being outside at night time was but- you two were stuck together  

Your friends watched you both in the corner of their eye but didn’t say anything

However 

Ryujin being Ryujin 

Made a comment about it 

‘This....This is feeling a little grosser. More sappy if you get what I mean. So are you dating yet or what?’ 

It went a little quiet 

Uhm 

You both looked at each other 

And didn’t say a single word 

Ryujin raised her eyebrows and chuckled a little before staring at the little shit in the corner 

.. 

She grabbed Heeseung’s collar and yanked him upright 

‘Oi, get up, you sick bastard’ 

Ryujin pulled him to the side whilst he grimaced at his messed up clothes 

She stood in front of him 

‘You fucked up didn’t you?’ 

He pursed his lips 

‘Don’t you know about it already?’ 

‘No, Y/N knows I’d fuck you up if you did something wrong.’ 

‘Then how come-’ 

‘I can tell by your face, and the fact you’re sulking in the fucking corner.’ 

‘I just- I don’t know what I’m feeling and she’s with Sunghoon all the time and I feel like I’m losing her and it’s driving me crazy, Ryujin’ 

‘Is it possible that you’ve liked her this whole time?’ 

‘That’s crazy. If I liked her, I would be dating her by now.’ 

Ryujin sighed 

‘I doubt it. I don’t think you even realise that you didn’t actually like that girl.’ 

‘- Okay fair point. But I think if I liked Y/N, I would know, at least.’ 

‘....Think of it this way, Imagine dating me.’ 

Heeseung shivered 

‘No thanks.’ 

‘You don’t have to be a bitch about it.’ 

‘Sorry but’ 

He clenched his teeth together 

‘See? And how did you reject Y/N? Did you even think about what she was saying to you? Did you let yourself actually process it and make a decision actually based on your feelings?’ 

Heeseung nodded, barely looking at her 

‘So stop the bullshit.’ 

‘You’ve liked her this whole time and it’s time for you to realise what you could’ve had.’ 

‘I could still have it.’ 

He was adamant but not confident 

‘You could’ 

Ryujin admitted

‘But, for now, you can’t.’

She offered a sweet smile as she said he next words 

‘I won’t tell you I was rooting for you, because I wasn’t, not really. None of these boys are deserving of her. But I guess you’re marginally tolerable. A little less tolerable than Sunghoon, and honestly, that relationship is a lot easier to digest. But you’re not terrible.’ 

‘Thanks’ 

Ryujin clicked her tongue as she sauntered back inside, collecting his chair to drag it back to the group. 

Where it belonged. 

Heeseung dawdled as he slid into the seat next to you where Ryujin had left it 

You were focused on what Jay was saying to you and Sunghoon looked like he was ready to punch him 

But when he finally sat down

You barely looked at him as you reached over to squeeze his wrist 

Forgiven 

Slightly 

But expected to suck up to you a lot more 

Jake poked Sunghoon’s cheek to focus on you, rather than Heeseung next to you 

It wasn’t that hard to do 

‘Ugh, you’re so whipped.’ 

‘Shut up.’ 

You pull Sunghoon dramatically into the library - ditching the last class of the day 

He looked at you confusedly before scoffing at the surroundings 

‘Is there any particular reason why you’re pulling me into the library?’ 

You pretend to ponder for a second before a grin takes over your face 

‘Just one’ 

You feel a lot less coy now, instead you’re overtaken with nervousness but not one that feared rejection 

You were determined 

A little nervous 

But fuelled by the way he was looking at you and how pretty he was 

And the boy you haven’t stopped thinking about 

Your hands find purchase on his cheeks, where you find has become a habit between the two of you in the past week or so 

He watches you with soft eyes,

He doesn’t quite know exactly what you’re doing 

But he has hope swimming behind his pupils and it drives his heart a little wild

When you press your lips against his for the first time, his heart feels like it’s going to explode out of his chest and paint the whole library red 

His hands find themselves supporting the back of your head as he leans further into you 

The movements between you are slow, sweet and almost dreamlike 

His lips are soft and when your tongues meet, it surprises you that you’re not disgusted by it 

Instead you welcome it 

He angles your head upwards with his thumbs pressing lightly on your jawline 

He smiles when he feels the heat on your cheeks and just how flushed they’ve become 

You need to breathe 

But you refuse to 

He pulls away, his eyes dancing between you both and with a giddiness 

‘At a library of all things, Y/N.’ 

You let out a real lovesick giggle as you go to pinch his elbow 

You were happy 

Sunghoon was happy 

But a boy in the corner, who had been watching the whole thing doesn’t feel the same 

Instead he feels regret, sadness, frustration 

All of it leeching of the happiness he was supposed to feel for you 

‘This is giving me a little deja vu.’ 

The voice pulls him from the scene and instead has him focusing on the boy beside him 

Heeseung has never talked to Jake properly before 

Jake is closer to Sunghoon than he is to Heeseung 

And Heeseung never felt the need to get to know him on a deeper level 

Because Heeseung had hoped that they were temporary 

‘He really likes her. You know? He may be shit stirring, he probably was. Don’t get me wrong. But he sincerely likes her. She’s in good hands.’ 

Heeseung sighs 

‘..I know that now.’ 

Jake looks at him with kindness, swirling with warmth and comfort but it had a hint of something underneath 

Warning 

‘Good.’ 

Jake reaches over, cradling Heeseung’s head in the wing of his arms 

‘If you’re up for it. I know a great place to eat.’ 

‘I’d like that.’ 

Heeseung smiles, even when he doesn’t really want to 

He looks back at the two of you 

And this is all he can do 

Just like that, like unrequited takes a new host. 

authors note : this was fun :) originally it wasn’t supposed to have this many chapters, it was just gonna be a one-shot kind of thing but idk it just had a mind of its own. :) i have a lot of confessions about this too <3 I’d probably post an authors confessions soon too. ALSO thanks for the 100 followers. 

[mandoalorian]

Sugar and Spice [Max Lord x F!Reader] — Chapter 12

Summary: When you are evicted from your apartment by your toxic ex boyfriend and have no place to go, who do you turn to? Alone in the city as the countdown to Christmas begins, you find yourself applying for a job as the assistant of the world’s biggest entrepreneur; Maxwell Lord. Little do you know, he has other intentions for you. No doubt about it, this Christmas will truly be like no other.

Word count: 2.3k

Warnings: Smut, mentions of a previous verbally abusive relationship, typical 80s misogyny (but very little of it), mentions of food and drink, alcohol consumption. This is a sugardaddy x sugarbaby fic soooo… a daddy k!nk too oops.

But in this chapter: food mention, tooth rotting fluff. Our story comes full circle.

Author’s note: Here it is. The final chapter of Sugar and Spice. The Epilogue should be coming soon. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I did, and I'd like to thank you all for supporting me and my writing. This was my first ever series and the love I got for it was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I love you all so much. (PS— i’m still sick with COVID so I am really really sorry if this is a poor chapter. I tried my hardest. Happy valentines day.)

MASTERLIST

PREVIOUS - CHAPTER TWELVE - EPILOGUE [coming soon!]

The second Maxwell engulfed himself amongst the soft satin blankets of his bed, he knew he was glad to be home. You climbed in beside him, and his eyes raked your body as he took in the sight of your baby pink slip on silk nightgown that you were wearing. He swallowed, and reached over to grab your waist and pull you on top of him. So there you were, straddling your sugar daddy after not seeing him for over a month. You pressed your palms against his bare chest and looked him in the eyes.

"There's something I need to tell you." Maxwell announced, knowing it had to be now or never. He couldn't keep hiding it. After the month in London and Alistair being brought back into his life, a lot had changed for him. He wasn't the same man he was back in December.

"About Ali?" you asked, tracing circles into his skin.

"Well, yeah. But— something else." Maxwell replied, shuffling around slightly. You sensed it was serious due to his tone of voice and your movements paused as you stared dead into his eyes.

"You don't have another secret child, do you?" you deadpanned.

"No!" Maxwell said defensively and you smiled softly. "It's about us."

You braced yourself. He'd been gone for a month, come back with a kid, and you were certain he was going to break the arrangement off with you. You pulled your hands off him and went to crawl off his lap, but his large hands landed on your thighs to hold you down.

"That night after the annual Black Gold Christmas gala… I saw you with Bruce and I got drunk and— my mom— and… I told you… I told you everything. About my father and having absent parents and. I said— I said— I said I was in love with you," Maxwell gulped and it took him every ounce of strength to not break his eye contact with you. He wanted to remain strong. You remembered the night like it was yesterday; clear as day. Of course, how could you forget the moment he said those words? And he hadn't spoken of it since, until now. Between you being held hostage by Tristan and Maxwell being whisked away to London, there'd hardly been an appropriate time to bring it up. "I swore that once I returned from the UK we would talk about this. So, Y/N, I have to tell you that my feelings haven't changed. It's been months, we've been together and apart. We've argued and fought but we've laughed and made love too. We've had distance— hell, I've been on the other side of the world for the past month but not a second has gone by where I haven't thought about you. About loving you, and kissing you, and even if you don't feel the same way, I hope you can forgive me."

"Forgive you?" You asked after a brief silence. You'd been waiting for what felt like a lifetime to hear these words, and yet you were struggling to comprehend them. It didn't feel real.

"For not doing anything or saying anything sooner. I should've said something sooner. I wish I had. I wish… I wish…" Maxwell rambled but you placed a finger to his lips, silencing him.

"No," you told him sternly. "No wishing. You don't need to make a wish because— everything is fine just the way it is," Maxwell's heart sank at your words and you watched as his chest deflated. "No!" you cried before trying to clarify. You didn't want him to get the wrong idea. "You have a successful business, and a son, and Max, you have me. You'll always have me. Because I love you too. I'm in love with you Maxwell Lord."

Max's chocolate coloured eyes widened at your confession as disbelief bolted through his body. Never in a million years would Maxwell expect that you would truly love him back. How could he expect anyone to love a man like him? Kitty hadn't. His mother hadn't. But you…

"I love you so much Max," you sighed before pressing a kiss into his lips. You caught a tear slip down his cheek and you quickly wiped it away. "Don't ever apologise for being you. Our story has been a whirlwind so far but it's not over. It's not over Max. I love you."

"I love you too." he whispered, wrapping his arms tight around your body when you kissed him again.

By the time Valentines Day rolled around, you swore it was like Maxwell and Alistair had never spent any time apart. The six year old boy was the spitting double of his father— personality and all.

He dived into your bed and jumped up and down.

"I got a card! Look daddy! I got a card!" Alistair beamed. Maxwell groaned and rolled over, holding a pillow over his head. You smiled tiredly and pulled the little boy into your arms.

"Good morning Ali, where did you get that?" you asked.

"It was on the kitchen table! Look mama, it's for me!" He squealed, pointing at the name that was inked in perfect calligraphy. Your perfect calligraphy. Your heart melted slightly at the little name he'd given you. "Mama". You figured it was something Maxwell had pushed, but he swore he hadn't, and that Alistair had decided that you'd be his mama from now on anyway. Kitty was out of the picture for good now, and you were nicer to him in the past two weeks than Kitty had been to him his whole life. That was the sad truth.

"Oh, so it is." you giggled, pressing a kiss into Alistair's forehead. You rolled over slightly and pat the middle of the bed, gesturing for Alistair to come and lay down in between you and his father.

"I only ever get cards like this on my birthday and Christmas. And today is neither of those days." Alistair pondered out loud, tapping his index finger against his chin as he thought. Just like his daddy.

"Do you know what day it is, Ali?" you beckoned.

You realised Maxwell must've finally woken himself up when his hand reached over to hold yours, his thumb circling your skin. You glanced over to him and saw that his big brown eyes were watching his son.

"Ummm…"

"It's the only day of the year where I can do this," Maxwell interrupted, pressing his lips against yours and kissing you. His sudden action was enough to take your breath away and Alistair went to make a noise of disgust. But Maxwell pulled away from your lips and placed a hand over his son's mouth. "And you, mister, can't do that!" he chastised, wiggling his finger with a chuckle.

"But daddy, kissing is yucky!" Alistair frowned, sticking his tongue out in dismay. You rolled your eyes, pulled the little boy on top of you and pressed another kiss into his forehead. Since you had a hold of him, Maxwell took the opportunity to tickle Alistair, erupting a scream of laughter. "Dad-daddy! Aaah daddy please!" Alistair laughed, kicking his legs and flailing his arms around.

"Have you worked out what day it is yet?" you asked the little boy once he'd settled back down. A small blush crept upon his cheeks.

"Va-valentines day?" Alistair asked, his voice timid.

"Are you telling me that my son Alistair has a valentine?" Maxwell gasped jokingly and Alistair's grin only grew wider with excitement.

"Can I open it?" Alistair giggled happily.

"Go on!" you laughed, giving him a small nudge.

You and Max both watched intently as Alistair opened the card. Of course, you had purchased the card and wrote it out. But seeing the excitement on Alistair's face when he read ‘love from your secret admirer’ was undefeatable. It was magical, and it filled your heart with so much love and joy. Alistair was new to your life, just as new as he was to Maxwell's, but if one thing was for sure, it was that you loved him just as much as you'd love your own child. And that wasn't lost on Maxwell.

He honestly expected you might have left him. Or grown distant upon learning that he had a son. But once again, you had proven Maxwell Lord IV wrong. You were unlike any other woman he'd ever met, and now that he had the two most important people in his life, he felt like he could accomplish anything. Nothing else mattered anymore. Just you and Alistair.

"My son, only six years old and already has a secret admirer!" Maxwell chuckled, shaking his head and wrapping his arms around Alistair. "But you'll always be my boy, won't you Ali?"

"Yes daddy." Alistair smiled a toothy grin.

"Us Lord men… we always get the ladies." Maxwell told his son, causing you to belly laugh. Maxwell shot you a joking glare and you tried to stifle any more of your giggles.

"On that note," you rolled your eyes and slid out of bed. "How does pancakes for breakfast sound?"

Both Maxwell and his son cheered with joy at the thought of pancakes. You remembered you even had some strawberries and cream left over from the night before which would go well with it. You pulled your silk robe over you and padded to the kitchen.

"Do you remember the plan?" Maxwell whispered quietly once you'd left the room, cradling his son.

"I do." Alistair beamed snuggling into his father's chest. Maxwell smiled a little.

"Tonight, yeah? After dinner." Maxwell reminded his son.

"Do you love her?" Alistair quizzed further, and Max's smile grew even more.

"I do," Max confessed. "More than anything."

"I think she loves you too." Alistair said softly.

"Yeah?"

"I see the way she looks at you," Alistair mumbled. "Like how Ariel looks at Prince Eric."

"Wh-who?" Max furrowed his eyebrows together and Alistair's jaw dropped slightly.

"Okay daddy. We're all watching The Little Mermaid after dinner." Alistair decided in that moment, his tone of voice leaving no room for question.

Maxwell quirked an eyebrow. "Really? And who put you in charge?"

"I'm a Lord," Alistair said proudly. "Besides, someone has to watch over you two lovebirds. Make sure you don't get yourself in trouble."

Maxwell couldn't believe the six year old boy. Alistair was definitely Maxwell's son, that's for sure.

Just as you were finishing up frying the last pancake, the kitchen phone began to ring. You answered it, surprised to hear the voice of your lawyer— or more accurately, Maxwell's lawyer. You had been using him to defend yourself on the case between you and Tristan. He had told you that Tristan was going to be locked away for a very long time, and that you'd won the case. A wash of relief flooded over you, and finally, things were beginning to look up for you and your little family.

You called down Alistair and Maxwell once breakfast was ready, and you served the heart shaped pancakes at the table. Maxwell came down a few minutes later than Alistair and he was holding on envelope. When he sat down opposite you, he passed you the envelope with a smug grin on his face.

"What's this?" you asked curiously, and Maxwell shrugged his shoulders casually as he sipped on his black coffee. He hadn't stopped smirking though. "Maxie, we agreed on no gifts this year?" you sighed, already feeling bad for not getting him anything.

"Baby, it's not exactly a gift. I mean, it's something for both of us. Something that's important to you and well… just open it, please." he urged.

You hesitated, exchanging a glance between Max and Alistair (who was already neck deep in pancakes), before sighing and opening the envelope. Inside was a letter from a retail agent? As you read the letter, your heart began to slam against your chest. No way.

"Max… you bought my old apartment building? The whole building?" you gasped, slamming your hand over your mouth in disbelief. "You bought it in both of our names?"

"Because I knew how much it meant to you. And how much your neighbours meant to you. They were all mistreated by Tristan, and that isn't okay. I bought the property from the council so we're the rightful owners now. And we won't overcharge rent like Tristan did. We don't need to. We'll refurbish the whole place. We'll give the families who live there a safe place that they can call home, and they won't have to worry about any abuse from Tristan, or their utilities falling apart, or bills… it'll be wonderful."

"Maxwell I- I don't know what to say I…" you were utterly speechless, tears filling your eyes. Obviously this was going to cost him a lot of money and a lot to upkeep, but for the first time, it felt like it wasn't even about money. It was a grand gesture, sure, but it was also the most thoughtful and unexpected thing he'd ever done for you.

"I love you." Max revelled and you smiled.

"I love you too." you replied, leaning over the table and pressing a kiss into his lips. You glanced back down at the letter, admiring the way your surname and Max's surname looked together on the sheet of paper.

At the start of December you didn't even own a car. You couldn't even pay rent. Now you were living in a suburban manor with your perfect little family. Amongst a little bit of sugar and a little bit of spice, you had found love, meaning and purpose. You'd found your soulmate.

Just as you thought your life was good and couldn't get any better, you didn't realise what Maxwell Lord had in store for you this evening. Your whole world was about to change.

---

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[vsj2000]

A game of Chess

As a medical student, an important and memorable part of my journey has been to try and understand the complex cocktail of emotions brewing inside a patient’s mind. Experiences are the ink of the unwritten future. Indecisive. Unpredictable. We all have our stories, I’m sure you must too. We all face our own battles, our own demons. We are all afraid. 

I still remember when my grandfather was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. It’s been almost a year now. In his prime, he was like Superman- A man of Steel. I mean literally, because he used to work at the Tata Steel factory in Jamshedpur. Now he can barely climb a flight of stairs without stopping to catch his breath. When we got the news, it was probably the most morose and depressing one we’d ever heard. I mean, not that we’d never known anybody who had cancer, but this time it was my very own ‘Acharya’ (meaning guru).

Fear guides our survival. It is an innate algorithm with an unparalleled evolutionary significance. It is also the one emotion we’re most afraid to experience. Just a few months ago, I was working on Palliative Care at the Command Hospital in Pune. While on the surface, the patients seemed very accepting about the nature of their condition, little did I know that the gateway to their cellar of emotions was just one question away- Are you afraid of dying?

This seemingly obvious question opened the gates to an almost unexplored dimension of thoughts, fears and emotions. People never want to talk about death. Death in itself has become a whispered illness. It makes them feel vulnerable. It makes them feel human. It is when I learned that it is not our existence that scares us, it is our absence.  Interacting with patients, physicians and social workers, I learnt that fear is a direct manifestation of expectations. The more you have to lose, the greater the fear of death becomes. 

A patient asked me -”Is death painful? Does it hurt?” How do you answer that? 

On the other side of this spectrum, you’ll find the carefree patient. Like when I found Anjali, who was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma at the time. The first time I met her, she was watching stand up comedy on her phone while on chemotherapy. When I asked her what about her condition troubles her the most, she asked me to take a look across the room. I saw a few patients sleeping, a few just gazing at the hospital ceiling while laying in bed and more than a few dull, troubled faces. She then said- “These people were patients much before they had cancer. They regret  their past, worry about their future and ruin their present.” Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present- This was her motto. (Then we talked about Kung fu Panda :p)

In conversation with Colonel(Retd) NS Nyayapathi- Founder of Vishranti Palliative Care Centre (Care India Medical Society)

On the spiritual front, I gained rather interesting insights. Why do bad things happen to good people? Is God just and fair? Or is he all powerful?

On asking these questions, I realized that the world is divided into two belief systems. One belief is that God is fair and he loves his children and would protect them from all harm. But still, innocent people suffer.  This implies that God is not absolute. Patients of this belief system still redeemed their faith in God and believed that suffering was God’s way to test their virtue. 

The other belief is that God is all powerful and whatever happens is a manifestation of his will. Therefore, if this is true then God can never be fair because bad things do happen to good people and God is to blame.  Patients of the latter belief often became atheists and lost faith in God; or so I have witnessed.

AFMC Cadets at Vishranti Palliative Care Centre, Pune

Learning the power of human touch

I couldn’t help but ponder about the striking similarities between the art of conversation and a game of chess. I mean, reading out from questionnaires doesn’t get you this far. You have to improvise. It is an art of patience.  And like in a game of chess, there are also 3 phases to a conversation with a patient- The opening, middlegame and the endgame.

 The opening is where you try and establish a rapport with the patient. Patients usually don’t like talking about how many times they puked, coughed or whether their pain is a 6 or a 7. Honestly, they get bored. So, when I saw 10 year old Vishnu who was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia(ALL), playing around with his Superman action figure, I naturally spent half an hour trying to convince him that Batman could kick Superman’s butt. In the end however, he ended up convincing me why Superman is the greatest superhero of all time :)

 Some openings are better than the others. I remember asking a patient how he was feeling and he distinctly replied-”If I would be feeling well, I wouldn’t be in a hospital.” Pretty obvious don’t you think?

The middlegame is a much more progressive ground. It is rather important to lend a good ear at this point. While the opening decides the degree of compliance of the patient, the middlegame is all about building up on that trust and trying to understand the patient’s thoughts and concerns. It is at this juncture that a clinical evaluation of the patient would prove to be most fruitful.

 Hope is a wonderful thing. False hope- not so much. This is my endgame lesson. Probably the most precious gift from my experience with cancer patients was when one of them held my hand and said-”Thank you for giving me hope. I feel less scared now.” These seemingly plain, simple words hold a deeper meaning. They are inherent with the realization that just a small act could bring great meaning to someone’s life. But false promises are the most fatal form of expectations. While empathy is a great asset in communication, its extent must be well guarded by professionalism, honesty and truth.

The art of giving 

Part of the journey is the end. Mine has just begun.

सर्वे सन्तु निरामयाः। - May all be free from disease. 

The motto of Armed Forces Medical College, Pune.

  Learning to spread smiles

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “ plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

[cinnaminsvga]

intermission • iv | eclipse

→ summary: When the love letter you wrote and submitted as an assignment is leaked to the entirety of your university, it becomes a race against time to dispel rumours and convince the seven suspected muses of the poem that they aren’t the subject before anyone realises that you are the author. Easy, right? Well… maybe not as easy as you think.

→ pairing: bts x reader (feat. sera) → genre: college!au, crack, fluff, angst → warnings: sfw other than some ugly jealousy c/o a snake → words: 4.9K → a/n: sera didn’t always use to be a shitty person. well, that’s a lie. she was always a shitty person. she just used to be able to hide it well.

— • masterlist | prev | intermission iv | next • —

–– the first day of freshman year ––

The line for the free freshman orientation merchandise is longer than Sera had anticipated, even though she had arrived almost an entire hour early. Though most people would have dismissed the lengthy queue, Sera is Asian as Asian could get, her genes forbidding her from skipping over free shit when free shit can be received. She is sure her ancestors would never forgive her if she allowed this opportunity to slip through her fingers. And so, Sera waits with the rest of the cattle as the line shortens slowly, the heat of the early sun reminiscent of the summer months that should have already passed.

After sweating her body’s weight worth of sweat, she finally finds herself near the front of the line, foot tapping impatiently as the rowdy bunch of newly hatched boylings before her fought amongst themselves for the canvas knapsacks over the pink water bottles. Fragile masculinity at its finest, Sera thinks, as she watches with something akin to pity as the runt of the litter ends up with the “girlier” merchandise in the end.

At this point, all the better free items have mostly run out, though Sera wouldn’t mind getting the university emblem encrusted notepad and pen set. It is only a matter of moral principle when she gets the water bottle after seeing the boy from before shooting her with a desperate look, probably hoping to trade items with her if she had gotten something else. Sadistic pleasure courses through her veins when she sees the light fade from his eyes, the inevitability of his pink water bottle fate permanently sealed.

Puny boy. Drink your nasty energy drinks from your pink tinted bottle for all she cares. She’ll be doing the same, at least.

Free from that slow torture, Sera now has to subject herself to more agonizing torment by waiting for the rest of her orientation group members to arrive, most of whom should have gotten to the intended meeting location by now. She observes as her harried orientation leader tries unsuccessfully to get your small group to interact with one another, his fake cheery smile looking more strained as the apathetic faces of sleep-deprived freshmen fail to respond to his forced banter.

Her orientation leader, whose name she cannot recall for the life of her but will call “Mike” from now on, coughs awkwardly into his spotted handkerchief before dabbing his sweating forehead. Sera grimaces when she notices that a small glob of snot remains stuck to his skin where he had touched, though no one seems obliged to alert him of this fact. He glances at his watch, jumping from one foot to the other, as he does another headcount for the third time in the last ten minutes.

“7… 8… 9…” His finger hovers when it reaches the last person, his brow turned downwards in worry. The glob of snot dangles ever precariously from its perch. “Umm… Does anyone know where the last person is? We’re supposed to be ten, and the first part of our agenda is starting soon.”

Sera wonders why on earth he’s asking that as if they were supposed to be friends with one another. The university had forced everyone to make a group chat with their orientation groupmates a week ago, which was honestly a lost cause considering that everyone was randomly sorted into groups. Sera’s group chat only has two messages so far, with both being from the orientation leader himself. Out of ten people, only two of them have seen the messages, with Sera being one of them.

If that’s an indicator of how today is going to be, then Sera should have poured some shots into her kombucha like a sane person would have.

“Maybe you should try calling her?” One of the girls in her group says, her gaze never leaving her phone as she types rapidly, her dexterity astonishing despite her inch-long acrylic nails. Mike, on the other hand, stares forlornly at the black screen of his phone.

“No can do. My phone died a few minutes ago when I was in the middle of calling my mom. I guess I was too excited when I was telling her about today’s orientation day.” He laughs half-heartedly at that, and Sera might’ve felt a little bad for the guy if his phone didn’t have a keychain of an anime girl with big ol’ dobonhokeros. The only thing missing from his outfit is a big backdrop of his mom’s basement behind him to complete his look.

Mike looks around the group expectantly, obviously trying to catch the eye of one of you. Everyone’s heads bow down immediately, sensing that some effort and participation are about to be required from one of them. Nothing gets tired teens to disappear into the ground quicker than being asked to volunteer for anything that needed 0.01% of their brainpower. Unluckily for Sera, she is a bit too slow in her response, immediately locking gazes with Mike as a grin stretches on his face.

“Sera! You must know Y/N, right? I saw that you and Y/N had opened the group chat the other day. Why don’t you try calling her?” He says brightly, no signs of his depression from earlier. Two boys in Supreme hoodies snicker loudly at Sera’s dismayed face, and she vows to “accidentally” stomp on their pristine white sneakers later with her muddied old trainers.

“Um. Alright,” she agrees through gritted teeth, pulling out her phone with a heavy hand. Sera wonders if you’ll even take the call, possibly wary of answering an unknown number. Her pondering only lasts a second when you answer the call on the first ring, your heavy breaths being the first sound that greets Sera’s ears.

“I’m lost! I can’t find the soccer field! I’m running as fast as I can,” is your jumbled reply, followed by a screech on your end and what sounds like a honking car in the distance. “Sorry!” you call out immediately afterwards, and Sera hazards a guess that you were only two inches away from being roadkill.

“Yeah, this is Sera, one of your orientation groupmates. Mik–I mean, our orientation leader is wondering where you are.”

“I’m–” There is a pause, and Sera thinks for a moment that you might have dropped the call by accident or something. Then, you reply shakily, sniffling slightly. “I… I don’t know??? Help???”

What is it with today? Sera is meeting more people than she would like, and all of them seem to be the human equivalent of a cry for help. Surely, this is a test from above? However, there is something endearingly pitiful about your quiet sobs that makes her want to help you a little bit. She is never one to offer her services so freely to any stranger, but then again… She could become friends with you if you weren’t such a crybaby all the time.

“Describe where you are. I’ll try to come get you,” she says, not missing the way you gasp at her generosity. A feeling of pride settles into her chest, not disliking the way you must be so grateful for her benevolence. She should do this more often.

“Will you really? Oh my god, thank you!” you say giddily. You are quick to describe your surroundings, and luckily, Sera knows exactly where you are. The good thing about being a perfectionist is that Sera loves to over-prepare, so she already did her own tour of the campus before orientation day. In hindsight, she wonders why she even bothered to attend when she could handle herself perfectly. Oh right, the free stuff.

“Okay, hold tight. Be there in a bit,” she says before hanging up the phone. Sera turns back to Mike, who looks awfully smug for being as inept as he is. He begins to gather the rest of the group together, addressing all of them loudly.

“Thanks to the lovely Sera, our last member will join us shortly. In the meantime, we’ll head to the auditorium for the first event of the day while Sera finds Y/N!”

Wait– “You’re leaving me?” Sera shouts, jaw agape. Isn’t he supposed to be in charge? Whatever happened to teamwork and all that shit he was spouting literally ten minutes ago? Yet, here he was. All Mike the Mighty Ass does is shrug his shoulders, patting her impetuously on the back.

“We’re not leaving you! The auditorium is just over there,” Mike points to the imposing domed stadium just across the field. “And we’ll be seated right at the front, so just look for us there!”

“That stadium has a 7000 person capacity. How the hell am I supposed to–”

Sera doesn’t get to finish her sentiment as Mike raises his gaudy orange flag high up into the sky, signaling the rest of the group to follow his lead. None of the little shits even bat an eye as they quickly leave Sera in the dust to look for you.

As Sera gawks at the rapidly emptying field, she surmises that no number of free water bottle could ever amount to the trauma that the past few hours have inflicted on her. You better kiss the ground that she walks on when she finds you, or else there will be consequences to pay.

Finding you is easier said than done. Sera is sure she knew where you were from your descriptions, though there is a possibility that she might have overestimated herself. Either that or your explanation had been vague at best.

“‘In front of the weird blue houses,' she said,” Sera mutters to herself, looking up at the only blue-painted buildings in sight. She supposes that “weird” is subjective, as the houses appear quaint as can be, though maybe you had found the little garden gnomes at the front to be a bit disconcerting. Regardless, there seems to be no other person in sight, unless the crotchety old man in the wheelchair might be you.

She is just about to call you again when a person with twigs in their hair comes running down the sidewalk, their backpack thumping harshly against their back with every step they take. They are waving their hands wildly in the air, a large grin on their face as they struggle to slow down their momentum before inevitably tumbling into Sera’s slight body.

She found you.

“Ooph!” Sera groans, barely holding onto her senses as she tries her best to keep both of you upright. “What the fuck? Where were you?”

“Sorry, sorry!” You apologize repeatedly, swatting away bits of leaves from your hair that consequently fall onto Sera’s sweater. “I got a bit distracted by this dude at a hair salon and I had to make a run for it–”

“Whatever,” Sera interrupts, tugging you by the elbow and back to where the orientation is being held. “Let’s just get out of here before we miss out on the stupid orientation.”

You stumble a bit as you follow after her quick strides, having to hobble a little to catch up. You tilt your head curiously at your surroundings, not recognizing any of the landmarks at all. “Uh. You sure we’re going the right way? All these buildings look weird…”

“Says the chick who couldn’t even find the soccer field.” Sera snorts, continuing to walk with determination. “If you’re going to ogle at every ‘weird’ building we pass, then it’ll take us years to get there. Hurry up!”

After taking a few wrong turns and reaching two deadends, it is only then Sera admits that she might have forgotten the way back. It’s not her fault; she’s only been on campus for a few hours before. To your credit, you don’t seem all that disheartened as she had expected, unlike how distressed you had sounded on the phone earlier. In fact, you are skipping happily along beside her, pausing every often to take a few pictures of the dormitories and lecture buildings like a tourist.

“It’s like this is the first time that you’ve ever seen a building,” Sera jokes, taking a seat on a bench as she watches you frolic around a water fountain. You strike a weird post at her, smiling radiantly with your teeth showing.

“It’s because I only just moved here! I was late because I was busy unpacking my stuff in my dorm room,” you explain, straightening up into a more dignified posture before going to sit beside her.

Sera looks at you curiously. “Oh? You’re living on res? Are you from out of town?”

You shake your head. “Nah. My mom and I live pretty far off though, and I’d prefer not to take a commute in the morning. It’s chill though; I’m sharing a room with this dude I used to go to high school with.”

“They have co-gendered dorm rooms here?” Sera’s interest is piqued, and you are quick to notice it. You laugh, shrugging your shoulders.

“Uh, kind of? We’re like childhood friends and his mom is really close with the residence dean, so she asked if we could room together, just for the first year. She doesn’t really trust him with strangers. He’s really shy, so he’s uncomfortable rooming with someone he doesn’t know.”

“So, you guys aren’t, like, dating or..?”

“Me? Dating Jungkook? Oh God, that’s funny!” You laugh, slapping your knee. The more you think about it, the more ridiculous the idea is. “He’s like a bro to me! I would never date him.”

Sera smiles, a seed of an idea being planted in her brain. She stores it for later, but for now, she asks “Oh? So you’d be fine with introducing him to me sometime? I’d love to meet new people.”

“Sure, dude. He’s really introverted, so I doubt you’ll get too much out of him,” you hum. You close your eyes, enjoying the way the breeze gently caresses your face as Sera observes you from the sidelines.

Interesting, she thinks. She’ll definitely hang around you more. You are not as annoying as she had originally thought, and maybe it would be nice to have a friend to hang out with in between classes. Unassuming, overly excitable, naive… You’re just an innocent puppy, who will follow anyone who pets it. Easy enough; Sera can afford to accommodate you.

Sera smirks, allowing herself to enjoy the breeze as well. University might not be so bad after all.

A few months pass, and being friends with you isn’t as tedious as Sera had feared. In fact, you are a pretty chill person, someone whom Sera never needs to pretend to save face around. To you, her little mean streaks are nothing but little “quirks,” and you often wave them off as silly parts of her personality. Most of the time, the things Sera says are just that: jokes. More often than not, however, Sera has just grown comfortable around you to let her filter run a little loose, letting her goofier and bitchier side come out more easily.

Call it naivety or stupidity, but Sera is thankful to have you around.

Nevertheless, there are still some small moments when that thankfulness falls a little short. Take, for example:

“That TA is totally a bitch! She gave me an 80 on that essay only because her ex-boyfriend hit me up on Instagram. It’s not my fault that her boobs sag all the way to her hips!” Sera exclaims a little too loudly, and you have to silence her through stilted giggles as the two of you pass by the aforementioned TA.

“Marina isn’t that petty,” you say, though your defense is a little too lackluster to be effective. In fact, you’ve been a bit spacey all afternoon, not really present in most of your conversations together. You exit the lecture hall, walking to the cafeteria to grab some lunch. Sera has to pull you out of the way of two speeding bicycles before she thinks to ask you what’s up.

“Huh?” You mumble back, still smiling dopily at nothing. You’ve always been the type to get lost in your head, which is hilarious to Sera, given that your current debilitating crush is on none other than the most air-headed boy on campus. She supposes there is a certain appeal for opposite personalities, though it is funny that out of all the men on campus, you had to choose the heart-on for none other than–

“I was asking you what’s up with you,” Sera repeats, tutting as the two of you arrive at the cafeteria with no further casualties. “Seriously, it’s like your head is in your ass. Don’t tell me you finally got dicked down in the janitor’s closet and you’re basking in the afterglow.”

Sera’s crude comment is what finally gets you to snap out of it. “Hell no, you sex fiend!” You hiss, cheeks reddening at the jab. “Are you ever going to let that go? I told you that fantasy in confidence!”

“My lips are as loose as my pussy, my dude. You should know by now.” Sera says plainly, directing the two of you to one of the sushi joints. You don’t even protest Sera’s choice like you ordinarily would, as you have previously gotten intense food poisoning from one of their sashimi platters a week back. You must really be overthinking something then.

“I know. I’m just saying shit right now,” you say, pulling up a chair and plopping down. You fiddle with the soy sauce bottle contemplatively. “I’m spacing out because I’ve been thinking about the essay we just got back.”

“Oh?” Sera says, eyebrows lifting at that. She pulls out the menu, taking charge for the two of you as you have never quite mastered the art of choosing what food to get. Also, you’re scared of flagging down waiters, for whatever reason. “Did you also get saggy tits as your TA? I’m still mad about that B+, by the way.”

“That’s the thing,” you pause, accidentally flipping open the soy sauce bottle’s cap and spraying yourself with drops of the dark liquid. Neither of you even flinch when it happens, so used to catastrophes happening when it comes to you. You’re like a walking disaster magnet, and Sera has no idea why karma hates you so much. It’s a miracle that you’re alive, sometimes.

So it does come as a huge surprise to her when you follow up by saying, “She gave me an A+.”

The menu drops out of Sera’s hand. “What?” she nearly screeches, scaring the waiter who had been idly standing by your table. You point an apologetic glance at him as he scurries as far away from the two of you as possible, but Sera is undeterred. The words that had come out of your mouth makes no sense whatsoever.

“But… Marina literally gives no one higher than an A! I’ve got sources from upper years saying that she’s a beast when she grades – there must have been a mistake!” Sera says, not bothering to be polite.

You shrug, looking just as confused. “I thought so too. I was going to talk to her after class a while ago, but thought better of it and decided to not look a gift horse in the mouth… Better to accept it than question it, right?”

Sera hums, not wanting to admit that it was irking her that you didn’t ask the TA about it. Her annoyance is unwarranted, however, because she would’ve done the same. Why argue over a blessing? Still, it pains her to know that you got a higher grade than she did, even though you are taking the writing course as an elective, while Sera is a writing major herself.

The two of you enjoy your meal as if nothing had happened, and that is the first time in a long while since Sera has needed to put a façade around you.

In the next coming sessions, Sera and you begin to realize that the A+ had not been a fluke as you consistently continue to ace the quizzes and assignments for your creative writing course. Your professor has been badgering you to consider switching courses for a week now, and you’ve politely declined each and every time.

“Music is just more my thing, you see,” you explain to him, bowing quickly as you exit out of the room to escape another ten minutes of his incessant pleading.

It’s really starting to grate Sera’s gears a little bit.

The thing is, Sera knows she is being petty. It’s not even a new occurrence for her, as she has been known to ditch people once they start being better at her in anything.

Gymnastics in 4th grade had been a bust when star athlete Jinyoung Choi discovered her flexibility during PE. Mathematics had gone down the drain once Abegail Sun had won the Mathlete Competition for the third time in a row. Writing should have been Sera’s only crowning achievement, as she had always grown up with people around her praising her ability to weave universes with her words.

She can’t share that spotlight, not when she’s been pushed into the shadows numerous times already. This time, she’s not going down without a fight.

The worst part about the whole situation isn’t even that you were like a baby waiting for their candy to be stolen. With Sera’s connections and sly tendencies, it wouldn’t be hard to crush you where you stood. She’s only done it once back in high school, stripped someone of their confidence so savagely that they were forced to move to another school. She is sure she could do it again, but for whatever reason, it feels like it would be too easy of a win.

The worst part is that you didn’t even want the limelight, the success. Creative writing is just a hobby for you, and you certainly don’t deserve the recognition at all. Effort should be awarded its due, and you have certainly never exerted more than a pinky finger’s worth in your entire writing career.

The final straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back, which pushed Sera past the point of reason, comes much later than anyone might have guessed. Sera’s patience is like plastic, sometimes durable and heat resistant, but oftentimes flimsy and tearable. It does not take a genius to figure out that all plastic must melt, one way or another.

Second-year comes, and Sera has all but allowed her simmering hatred to remain as just that: simmering. She is careful never to let it boil over, fearful of letting you see her break in the event that you would retaliate. Her problem is that she had allowed you to grow, forgetting to stomp on your confidence every so often so that you would be forced to depend on her. Now, you have amassed a sizeable following for your writing online, and Sera knows that you could use that power against her if you pleased. Cancel culture can be like the plague, and Sera knows the ins and outs of it better than anyone else.

Sera knows logically that you would never do that to her, as much as you would like to. Your morals restrain you from doing so, which saves Sera from some anxiety of backlash at least. Still, she has to remain careful anyway.

The two of you do not see each other as often as you once did during your first year. As sophomores, your majors require you to take more courses specialized towards your degree, meaning the general education courses that you shared were no longer required. The only time you ever saw Sera is during Creative Writing and the occasional lunch out in between classes.

Despite that, Sera just can’t get away from you, no matter how hard she tries. Your presence is everywhere: on the university newspaper, on the university forums, on club recruitment posters – hell, she thinks she sees some dude wearing a t-shirt with your face and Jungkook’s face printed on the front or something. Worst of all, she hears about you all the time, from her stupid professors who can’t stop waxing poetic about you. Case in point:

“Professor, may I speak to you?” Sera approaches Professor Puth at the front of his podium once class ends, whiffs of musky marijuana hovering around him like a cloud. You give Sera a confused look, about to ask what she wants to ask before she waves you off, urging you to go ahead.

“I’ll see you next Thursday. I got a tutorial right after this,” Sera lies smoothly, poised grin in place. Not really one to question her, you shrug your shoulders, waving both her and your professor goodbye.

“So,” Professor Puth says, peering at Sera. “Sera, right?”

Sera beams at him. “Yes, Professor. Glad you remember me.”

He hums thoughtfully, tongue jutting out as he appraises her with eyes sharper than any stoned person would have. “Yes, of course. What did you want to talk about?”

“You see, I got my assessment draft back this morning, and it says I got a C+ on it, but I’m sure I followed the rubric very carefully. Are you sure there wasn’t a mistake?” Sera says, not a hitch in her voice despite her outrage slowly starting boil over the edge. She’s never felt so humiliated in her life, having to beg like a dog for a regrade like some sort of pitiful loser.

“You might want to ask the TAs about regrading, in that case. I only graded a few of the works. Which one was yours about?”

“The poem about the withering tree, Professor.”

“Oh, yes. I remember that one. I was the one who graded it,” Professor Puth says, rubbing his chin. He tilts his head. “What did you want to ask about it?”

Sera stares at him, disbelief coloring every inch of her face. “Um, I just said… I wanted to ask – I followed the rubric and everything, so how come my grade was…” she trails off, embarrassed.

Professor Puth tuts, swiveling away to approach his desk. Sera follows, unsure for the first time in her life, as he starts rearranging his things to pack up. “Sera, I can e-mail the rubric to you again, if you want. I assure you, there is one essential part of the grading scheme that you forgot, and I’m afraid that is what cost your grade.”

Sera thinks. “Was it… the formatting?”

He barks out a laugh, slamming his papers down as if what she had just said was the funniest thing he’s heard since a Yo Mama joke. “No, of course not. It was the content! The emotion! You cannot just string highfalutin words together and expect the reader to feel moved.”

Sera flinches, offended. “I think those aspects of poetry are very subjective, Professor. Surely, you could ask for a second opinion–”

“I always ask for second opinions when grading assignments,” he says, wagging a finger. “We all agreed that your work was at least a C+, though I had originally graded it a C- at best.”

Once again, for the first time in her life, Sera is at a loss for words. Never has she been so casually humiliated before, especially after all the time she has put in to being nothing but a stellar student for all her professors. This must be some sort of bad dream.

“On the other hand,” he continues, pausing in his packing to stare at Sera. She does not feel like he is truly looking at her; rather, he looks to be lost in thought about something else entirely. “That friend of yours… Miss Y/N, right? I’ve always heard about her from my colleagues.”

The mention of your name causes the hairs on the back of her neck to bristle, and Sera goes defensive immediately. “What about her?” she cautions.

“Oh, just that she’s a wonderful writer. Very moving stories with lots of depth. I was a bit skeptical at first because Professor Whitney has always been a bit of a softie with freshmen… but she was right,” he nods to himself, a small smirk on his face. “That girl… I don’t doubt in the slightest that she could make someone fall in love with her just by writing them a piece.”

The comparison might have hurt less if he had used a different example, anyone else really. Some unknown sap that Sera could tear piece by piece without a shred of remorse, made easier by the fact that she did not have to know and care for them. You, on the other hand…

It has always been you. She rues the day she met you, when she had thought you were nothing but a meek little puppy to play with, not knowing that you had a hidden dagger behind your back. How foolish of her to let her guard down, and it makes her even angrier to think that you had no idea of the pain you have inadvertently caused her. No, she will make you understand her pain, her struggle. It is only right and just.

All she had to do was wait for an opportunity to strike and until then… It should be easy to keep up this charade. She has done it for more than a year, and she can do it for another ten. She has been doing it all her life, in fact.

When that day comes, she’ll be ready, and there’s nothing you can do but watch as she burns your whole world to the ground.

[grapema]

saying goodbye to 15

so today is the day before my 16th birthday, and i have so many feelings about it that i had to document it somewhere.for starters, i’m surprised ive even made it this far. for the past three years, i’ve been convinced that i wouldn’t live to see my sweet 16.

this past year has been the most difficult year of my life; i’ve said that before, but i can whole heartedly say i don’t think it could get much worse for me than this year. the beginning of my 15th year on this earth started with my girlfriend breaking up with me because my mental health issues were too much for her, because i was holding her back. and while i respect her for speaking up and respecting herself enough to put herself first, it fucking sucked. fast forward to september and is made two new friends. after my breakup all my old friends followed my ex and i was left with just one person. so making new friends was an amazing feeling.

year 11 started off much better than i expected, for the first half term i went in every single day. not once did i miss a day of school. that may not sound like a massive achievement, in fact, it sounds like the bare minimum to most people but for the past three academic years, i have missed at least one day of school a week due to anxiety.

in october i made another new friend and very quickly fell in love with him. it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with, but i know that i was completely and utterly in love with him, and oh what a heartbreaking first love he was. this boy, let’s call him harry, made me feel special. made me feel like he’d made the choice to befriend me, that i wasn’t just an obligation. harry and i spoke for hours everyday about everything. he asked me questions about myself that i’d never even pondered and in turn i asked him questions that he’d never answered honestly to anyone else. everything was perfect, and i was well on the way to asking him out myself, because i was sure he had some kind of romantic inclination towards me, and then everything changed.

i remember it clearly, it was an unusually hot night for november and i had been watching harry potter all day because i’d finally caved and had to take a day off because of extreme anxiety. i hadn’t heard from harry all day, but i wasn’t exactly in the right headspace to have a conversation so i didn’t think anything of it. just as i was settling down to go to sleep i get a text message from harry. all it says is “i can’t do this anymore, i’m sorry for everything”. i was absolutely terrified. it felt like it had come out of no where and i had no idea what to do. so i called him. he picked up the phone and was clearly crying, which only made me panic more. i asked him what was going on and he just kept repeating that he was sorry and that he couldn’t carry on anymore. i sat on the phone with him for four hours that night, trying to cry quietly because i knew if he knew he’d upset me it could send him over the edge. i spent four hours going around in circles trying to prove his own worth to him. eventually he fell asleep and so did i.

i didn’t go into school the next day. i was utterly drained and couldn’t even think straight. my parents had a meeting with my head of year and headteacher to talk about how to intergrate me back into the main student body. i thought it would be positive, that we’d be able to come up with some solutions. instead, they were told that i had to either attend all my lessons the next day or find somewhere else to attend because they would not be “tolerating my insolent behaviour”.

just let that sink in.

they thought and expressed to my parents that my crippling anxiety and depression was “insolent behaviour”. it still feels surreal to this day to know that people i was supposed to rely on are so ignorant to the true nature of mental illness. i haven’t been into school since.

i hit my lowest point at the beginning of december. i never saw anyone, i was too anxious to leave my house and i was on the phone with harry every night talking him out of killing himself. i was a fucking mess and i snapped. i told harry that i couldn’t help him anymore, that i woke up with dread everyday because i dreamt that he died and i couldn’t help him. and he responded with complete radio silence. two weeks he went without responding, and i checked with my friend, who may as well be my brother, every single day that he was still alive.

harry broke the silence when he got drunk at a party. he told me that he loved me and that he was afraid of losing me. i told him that he would never lose me but that i had to chose myself for once in my life. we haven’t spoken since.

there are still nights were i feel the aching in my chest for him, there are still nights where i dream he died in my arms after i was too late, but i’m okay.

in march i started online classes to prepare me for my gcses and they have been the most positive things for me in the past months. it made me fall in love with learning again.

and now, after being out in strong medication, i’ve started volunteering at my local primary school as a teaching partner and i’m hoping to get a job there in september. not only that, but i’ve finished talk therapy, something that i never thought i’d be able to live without, and i feel happy about it.

after such a messy year i finally feel like i’m moving forward. like i’m becoming the person that i should’ve been all along. so much of this year has been full of heartbreak and fear, but as i’m closing it off i can honestly say that i’m happy with where i’m at and who i am.

here’s to 16.

[beatriceinmessina]

American Horror Story: Cult Rewatch--Episode IV, “11/9″

SPOILERS for the entire season and William Shakespeare’s Macbeth.

Macbeth and Lady Macbeth.  (Screenshot by me, from Netflix.  And ha, it looks like they’re looking down at my notes.)

The episode flashes back to election night, before the cult starts.

Winter takes a selfie in the voting booth.  Isn’t that illegal and causes your vote to not count?

Ally promises to vote Democrat, but then votes for Jill Stein, which Ivy knows about in the first episode.  When did she tell her?  Did she even tell her, or did Ivy find out on her own?

Kai and Gary jump the voting line.  Gary obviously needs a doctor, but wouldn’t Kai be told to go to the back of the line?  What are the rules of this polling station?

Everyone votes very quickly.  What about the rest of the ballot?  Don’t you have to fill that out too?  

I’m positive that if a man pulled out his bleeding stump of an arm at a polling station, he would be rushed to a hospital to recover, then be psychologically evaluated.  Has Gary been evaluated?  He needs it.

After the intro, the date is 09 November 2016, so Kai seems to begin to form his cult on that day, meaning the previous episodes (with the exception of the first scene) take place after that, likely in the rest of November and December 2016 or January of 2017.

How long has Kai been watching the Wiltons, that he selects Harrison as the first person to recruit for the cult?  They appear to vote before he comes in, so he probably didn’t see them then.  How did he find them?  Was it just because he was a member of the gym, or did he join to find Harrison?  How much control does he have at this point?  It’s only one day after the election!

Kai knows enough about Harrison to know he’s gay even though Harrison’s just met him.  Again, how long has been be watching them?  How has he been watching them?  Does he have cameras everywhere or something?

Kai says he works in technology, specifically coding.  He could probably hack into a camera in someone’s house and watch them.  On the other hand, he could be lying.  I’m not entirely sure he even has a job prior to deciding to run for city council.  He also says that he tested at a genius IQ level at age ten, which could be possible--he is very intelligent and good at getting in people’s heads, but again, that could be lying.  There some things he says that I know aren’t true, and some things he says that I’m not sure about.

Kai tells Harrison that while he likes women, he will fight and kill for anyone, man or woman, if they’re part of his team.  He adds that “and if they wake up in the morning with a hard-on that won’t quit, I will find a way to make sure they know how much I love them.”  This is the start of indoctrination: letting Harrison know that he’s okay having sex with men, opening up the possibility of them sleeping together, if Harrison is with him in his endeavors.  He’s using his sexuality to draw Harrison in.

Harrison says that sometimes people masturbate in the steam room--are people allowed to masturbate in a gym steam room?  What if someone else is in there?  Doesn’t that count as sexual harassment, then?  Or indecent public exposure?

When did Kai have the time to sneak into the steam room and draw the smiley face without Harrison noticing?  He went right there from the end of their session.

About the shower masturbation bit: How is Kai so sure that Harrison is going to walk in on him doing that?  What if someone else came in?  Why wouldn’t he close the door just in case and then open it when he saw that it was Harrison coming in?  Why does Harrison just watch him?  Does this count as indecent exposure in a public place?  (He’s probably doing it on purpose to let Harrison get an eyeful, though… Kai likes to use sex to get people interested, which is interesting in of itself.  He is later established as a complete misogynist, and yet he uses a traditionally feminine means of villainy--sexuality.  What is this archetype of the person who uses their sexuality as a weapon often called?  The femme fatale--which is French for “fatal woman.”  The femininity is right in the name.  Why would a man who so disdains women employ a tactic that he likely associates with them, and therefore would disdain as well?  I won’t deny I like seeing the trope gender-flipped, though.  It’s cool, and fun to think about.)

The “Macbeth scene” (my name):

It’s been at least twelve or thirteen days since the election, since this apparently Kai and Harrison’s last session out of twelve.  

Kai has somehow managed to get into Harrison’s head well enough that the bullshit he spouts about being a mirror and quoting Nietzsche makes sense to the latter and he doesn’t ask questions.  Then again, Harrison is very vulnerable here--he’s about to be homeless, and he’s feeling down on himself.  It’s classic cult leader logic--get them when they’re feeling lost, and reassure them to make them think that you have all the answers.

“Harrison, I’m just a mirror.  Anything you see in me is in you.”  (Kai).  These words are almost lifted directly from a 1970 Rolling Stone interview with Charles Manson, a man who (in my opinion) Kai might as well be.  They’re so similar that the season is kind of just that history repeating itself.  Perhaps this is the writers trying to seed the Manson material that wil happen later.  (An additional note: I discovered this completely by accident about a week after watching the episode while reading this article.  It even mentions this season!)

The actual Macbeth part begins with Harrison cleaning up in the steam room and Kai walking in.  Harrison, like Macbeth, is in a place of uncertainty; Kai, his Lady Macbeth, urges him to take power and control of his life, which in both cases means murder.   There’s also a bit of a gender thing going on--Lady Macbeth insults Macbeth’s masculinity to encourage him, and Harrison probably is feeling a bit emasculated right now, being made to clean up other men’s semen, which leaves him vulnerable to Kai’s manipulations. Harrison, however, is more willing than Macbeth--he doesn’t ponder killing as Macbeth does, he simply does it. On the other hand, his reaction to murdering Vinny is almost identical to Macbeth’s to murdering Duncan--freaking out.  Kai is the opposite: calm and covering up the murder, just as Lady Macbeth does.  

Kai is able to hack into Vinny’s phone to send a text from it as well as erase three weeks of security footage seemingly due to a computer virus.  Perhaps he’s not lying about working in tech.  Either that or he’s a really good hacker.

He also confirms that he’s been watching Harrison and everyone around for a long time.  How?  In person?  Through cameras?  What kind of operation is he running?

More classic cult leader logic: Kai tells Harrison that they’re going to destroy everything to create a better world.  He smartly doesn’t specify what that world is, but promises a better one to someone who’s having a hard time, which is part of seeming like he can provide all the answers.

Kai apparently knows enough about the human body to instruct Harrison how to cut off a head.  Has he done this before?  As a matter of fact, did he ever kill anyone before he started the cult?

Cut to December of 2016, when Beverly is reporting on Vinny’s murder.  I’m guessing that his body wasn’t found for about a month or a little more than a month.

Beverly’s not a part of the cult during this report, since it’s this that draws Kai to talk to her and recruit her.

Kai takes Adderall, which is prescribed at one pill a day, but he’s also popping more than one at a time.  Also, I just want to point out that he looks like a modern-day, ratty Daario Naharis in this scene.  

Beverly understandably cracks after being harassed during work, but still checks herself into a rehab facility, which doesn’t really seem like her, since she’s very headstrong.  Was she made to by her boss?

Once again, Kai practically appears behind someone, this time Beverly.  Honestly, does the man wear some kind of noise-cancelling shoes?

Beverly takes up Kai’s offer for coffee even though she has no idea who he is.  Why would she do that?  Why would anyone do that?  He could be dangerous!  He is dangerous!  The fact that she took him up on the offer and didn’t walk away is honestly a stroke of luck for him.

Kai almost acts as a more chaotic version of James March here, asking Beverly how it felt to do something bad (as March often does with John), and encouraging her to kill people.  He tells her that fear gets stronger and scarier as it spreads (which is pretty obvious) and essentially asks her to be his minister of propaganda.  An earlier scene has shown that Beverly is worried about her job, as Serena seems to be rising in the ranks of the news station.  Kai is preying on that here; giving her an opportunity to become valuable when she feels like she isn’t.  

“If you get the world scared enough, they will set the world on fire for us.”  (Kai).  So he wants people to be so scared that they’ll do anything for him.  Does that mean he’s going to make people scared of him, or of the world at large so that they’ll cling to him?  Maybe both.

The backstory Kai gives Beverly (Iraq, Yale, etc.) is such blatant lying that I’m not entirely sure she believes him either, given the indulgent smile she gives him after.  Did he really think she going to believe him, or is he using the lie to paint himself as stupider than she thinks he is, so she’ll underestimate him and he’ll be able to control her later?

Beverly tells Kai that there aren’t any open seats on city council, so this is before the Changs are murdered, meaning that they were probably murdered in mid-December of 2016.

“I need you, Beverly.”  (Kai).  The vocabulary is specific.  Beverly isn’t feeling especially needed at her job at the moment, given the assignments she’s been getting (such as the landfill), but Kai is there to fill that hole.  Like with Harrison, he takes advantage of a person at a moment of low self-esteem and unhappiness.  Once again, pretty classic cult recruitment.

Only Harrison, Meadow, and Kai show up to kill Serena and her cameraman.  Are Samuels and Gary not part of the cult yet, or could they simply not make it?

As the clowns walk away, Kai appears to be holding Serena’s heart in his hand.  Holy shit.  That’s all I can say.  Jesus freaking Christ.  That’s… that’s another level of depraved.

Two people are dead, but at least the puppy is alive.  The puppy lives, and that makes me happy.  Also, I want to pet it.

Meadow is clinging to Kai’s every word in the next scene.  I’m guessing she’s already in love with him, and he probably knows it, given that he’s going to use her love for him to his advantage in two episodes.  (Just a note on the way Kai talks here--he’s very slow and deliberate, building up anticipation for his reaction to the masks.  He knows he’s got them (or Meadow at least, Harrison doesn’t look too interested) completely in his thrall.)

Kai tells Beverly that he will do anything for her, a probable callback to him telling Harrison something similar earlier in the episode (see above).  So he wasn’t lying about that--he’ll do anything for anyone in his circle, or if he thinks it’ll get them in his circle.  And it’s part of indoctrination--he’s making Beverly feel like he cares about her, like he’s one of the only people who cares about her, so she’ll come to rely on him.

Beverly is next seen reporting on the finding of Vinny’s severed head, which was reportedly alerted to the police by anonymous tip.  Did one of the cult members call it in, to work more fear-mongering?  

Flash back to 07 November 2016, the day before the election.  Ivy first meets Winter when the latter defends the former after Gary sexually assaults her.  I’m guessing that Ivy met Kai through Winter, likely after confiding her frustrations in her about Ally voting for Jill Stein.  An important question: is the cult tormenting Ally only because Ivy is angry and wants to hurt her, or does Kai have some vested interest in Ally?  (I’ve seen the interpretation that he’s in love with her, which is interesting to think about.)

Kai must have some kind of ability to move without sound, because he opens the door to Winter’s room and walks in without her noticing.  How stealthy can he be?  I’d swear he was a ghost if this season wasn’t the only one without supernatural elements or magic.

He also seems to notice the blood on Winter’s finger even though she’s standing far from him in a dimly, red-lit room.  Again, does he actually have some kind of power?

Kai honestly looks rather aroused when Winter tells him that hurting Gary “felt fucking fantastic” and orders her to tell him everything.  It’s like if James March and Viserys Targaryen had a son.  An extremely disturbing son.

Given that Kai frees Gary from the basement, Winter must have told him everything, but why, when it’s not in her interests at all?  My guess: she’s afraid of what he’ll do to her if she doesn’t.  Even though the cult isn’t a thing yet, he still exerts some power over her, especially since she likely knows of his violent tendencies and inappropriate attraction to her.  (I am using the words “likely” and “probably” a lot in these notes.  I’m sorry; it’s simply that not everything is confirmed and I must hazard guesses based on dialogue and body language.)

When Kai goes down to find Gary, there’s a shot where the background is completely black, and he’s the only thing in the shot that’s lit.  No comment here.  I just think it looks really cool.

“Humiliation” and its varieties is a word Kai uses with almost all of his followers recruited so far: Harrison, Beverly, Meadow, and now Gary.  He even uses it to refer to himself in the first episode.  Humiliation is key here; Kai takes people that feel humiliated and works with it, because people hate feeling humiliated (in my experience), and he’s promising them that he can take away that feeling, and maybe even help them punish those who humiliated them.  He’s using it to get them to do insane things that they would otherwise never do (i.e., Gary cutting off his own hand).  Throughout this whole episode, he’s been doing that, and I won’t say that it’s not clever, since it’s working very well.

I don’t like Gary at all, but I do feel sorry for him.  No one deserves an insane man manipulating them into cutting off their own hand.  Not even to vote.

Kai looks unnerved by Gary cutting off his own hand.  This man cut out a woman’s heart without flinching, and this freaks him out?  What the hell are his standards for gore?  Not self-inflicted?