#ive tried removing myself from everything and everyone they were in contact with | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

spencers-renaissance · 3 years

Text

Emergency Contact

Summary: When Spencer ends up in the hospital again, his emergency contact — who happens to be his boyfriend, Luke Alvez — is called. Too bad he hasn't told the team about him yet...

Tags: whump, h/c, hurt spencer, broken ribs, coming out, relationship reveal, protective derek, team as family, fluff, au: different first meeting

Pairing: Luke Alvez x Spencer Reid // (heavy on the Derek & Spencer friendship, too)

Word Count: 2.6k

Masterlist // Read on AO3 // Bad Things Happen Bingo

Okay, so Emily was not in S11, but for this fic she is, because I wanted supportive Penemily and that's what I gave myself. Other than that, this fills the square "broken ribs" for my Bad Things Happen bingo card. Enjoy the whump mixed with fluff!

Spencer doesn’t mean to get hurt again, but he also isn’t exactly surprised when it happens. If anything, Hotch really needs to stop sending him out to scope places and suspects out by himself. Surely Tobias Hankel proved he’s a trouble magnet in that regard years ago.

The summerhouse the suspect rents is a nice enough place to lay incapacitated while he waits for back-up, he supposes, but he’s not exactly able to lie and enjoy the sunshine when his ribs have been smashed in with a metal baseball bat and he knows the suspect is currently hightailing it down the beach. Not to mention the fact that it’s worryingly difficult to breathe.

Still, it’s better than a dilapidated cabin in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere Georgia, pumped full of heroin while his feet are whipped. Small mercies.

“Goddamnit, Spencer, again?” Derek asks amusedly when he finally arrives and crouches down by his side, but the undercurrent of worry in his voice doesn’t elude him.

“Sorry,” he wheezes, still winded and in immense pain from the ambush. “I didn’t see him coming.”

Derek raises a brow, chuckling slightly. “Yeah, pretty boy, I figured that.” His hand goes to Spencer’s hair as his expression furrows in concern again. “Did you see where he went? I’ll send the others after him while I go with you to the hospital.”

Spencer smiles a little, relieved that he won’t be alone. It’s become a strange sort of tradition to sit in one another’s hospital rooms after the job kicks their ass, and he’s glad Derek isn’t about to break it now.

“I saw him turn right out of the backdoor, but that’s all,” he says breathlessly, before cringing at the effort and folding in on himself even more.

“Okay, Spencer,” Derek says soothingly. “Just relax. The ambulance will be here any second.”

He obeys and closes his eyes as he listens to Derek call Hotch on the radio and send the team in the right direction before coming back to sit next to him on the floor.

“This might be one of the nicer places one of our unsubs has owned, huh?”

Spencer nods, mirroring Derek’s morbid amusement. “Crime pays better than investigating it,” he manages, smiling up at his friend.

He snorts. “You can say that again. With the way the market’s turned in the last couple years it’s more like this is my hobby and my properties are my day job, rather than the other way round.”

Spencer tries to reply, but he moves involuntarily in amusement, and a fresh wave of pain has him wincing again, trying to will the tears away.

“You’re alright, Spence,” Derek says gently, his hand returning to his hair. “Help will be here soon, okay?”

Thankfully, the medics do show up in a semi-timely fashion, and both of them are loaded into the back of the ambulance as the EMTs check him over, Derek’s hand not leaving his person unless it absolutely has to.

“How many times were you hit, Dr Reid?”

He cringes. “Four.” It’s almost embarrassing that the unsub got four hits in, and the only reason there weren’t more is because he was fleeing the scene, not because Spencer was able to fight back. He tries to remind himself that there isn’t much you can do when caught-off guard by a furious arsonist armed with a steel baseball bat, but his ego is still bruised. Albeit not as badly as his poor ribs.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” Derek mutters under his breath, his grip tightening on Spencer’s shoulder minutely enough for him to know he isn’t doing it consciously.

Spencer smiles appreciatively, closing his eyes against the pain. The non-narcotic painkillers they’re feeding him through the IV really aren’t doing anything.

“I think you’ve managed to avoid internal bleeding,” the EMT says, all though he tacks on a pointed, “just. But I’m concerned about the possibility of a punctured lung. There’s a chance your trouble breathing is solely pain-induced, but I don’t like the way your chest sounds. The doctors will check everything out when we get to the hospital, and get you all patched up.”

“Hold in there,” Derek says urgently. “I really can’t have you dying on me, pretty boy.”

Spencer smiles as comfortingly as he can through the immense pain in his chest and his mangled breathing. “Trust me, I don’t intend on it.”

The x-ray reveals two broken ribs and confirms the paramedic’s suspicions of a punctured lung, although thankfully, minor enough to not require surgery. He’s set up with oxygen and regular nurse check-ups in a quiet room after the doctor is able to remove the excess air in his chest cavity.

“How are you doing, Spence?” Derek asks worriedly as he pulls up a chair next to Spencer’s bed as soon as he’s allowed to see him.

He pulls away his oxygen facemask to answer. “A bit better,” he says, but his voice is dry and raspy from the oxygen so he certainly doesn’t sound it. “The pain meds are actually working now.”

Derek’s tight, anxious expression relaxes slightly. “That’s at least something.”

Spencer nods tiredly, but before he can respond, a nurse is popping her head round the door. “Dr. Reid,” she says genially, “sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to let you know that we’ve managed to get a hold of your emergency contact, and they’re on their way.”

Spencer’s eyes widen. How could he have forgotten? Granted, he was a little preoccupied with the whole punctured lung, broken ribs thing, but how could he have let it slip his mind that this little accident would lead to the secret he’s been keeping under wraps getting out?

When he’d first met Luke at an FBI gala last year, he never could have foreseen the most intimate and special relationship of his life coming to fruition, but it had. They’d connected on so many different levels, and the chemistry between them felt like something out of one of the fantastical romance novels Penelope reads, and when he’d asked if it was okay for Spencer to put Luke down as his updated emergency contact, he’d been rewarded with a wide, beautiful grin and a firm, heartfelt kiss.

It was serious enough, sure, and they were coming up on having been together for a year, but besides Emily and Penelope — who’d met Luke and developed an amusing, playful rivalry with him — he hadn’t introduced him to anyone on the team.

“On their way?” Derek asks, raising an eyebrow in mild confusion. “Isn’t your contact Hotch? He already knows you’re in the hospital.”

Spencer just stares at him like a rabbit caught in the headlights, completely blanking on something to say. They’re working a local case, so it won’t be long before Luke is bursting into his hospital room armed with cuddles and comfort, and as much as he craves that, he’s too busy panicking about his team finding out to really look forward to it.

Eventually, after watching Derek’s face morph into even stronger, more suspicious confusion, he gives up. They’re going to find out anyway. “I’m dating someone.”

Derek’s face lights up. “Pretty boy!” he exclaims happily, playfully pushing his shoulder as gently as he can. “That’s amazing! Why didn’t you say something? What’s her name?”

Ah. That’s the primary reason he hadn’t told his team about Luke. He’s nowhere close to being ashamed about his sexuality, he accepted himself decades ago, but he’s still not worked up the courage to share that part of himself with his team. Excluding Penelope and Emily who have been together for years (he’s still baffled as to how the others haven’t caught on yet), everyone’s in the dark.

It had started as a basic survival tactic. He’d joined the FBI two years younger than the standard entry age in the early 2000s, and he was far too concerned with just getting by than living outwardly as a gay man. And then, as time went by and he knew his team was accepting and welcoming, he found it too awkward to try and correct people when they assumed he was straight. There just wasn’t ever the right time.

“I’m gay.”

Derek’s happy expression falls and for a split second, Spencer feels a flash of panic. Maybe Derek’s okay with gay people as long as they’re not his immediate friends, as long as he doesn’t playfully call them ‘pretty boy’ and play with their hair when they’re injured, maybe—

“Well, what’s his name, then?”

Spencer looks up from his panic, seeing Derek smiling again, eyes maybe even brighter than they were just seconds ago.

“Wait—”

“Spencer, if you think I’m gonna care that you’re gay — if you think any of us will care that you’re gay, then you have another thing coming,” Derek reassures him. “Wait, that isn’t why you didn’t tell us right?”

He suddenly looks distraught at the idea that Spencer might not have felt comfortable coming out to him, and Spencer rushes to correct him. “No! No, I know everyone would be fine with it, I just didn’t really know how to say it. Penelope and Emily know, but only by accident.”

Derek relaxes, chuckling a little. “I’m sure there’s quite a story there.”

Spencer blushes. “Maybe.”

“I’ll find out later,” he says confidently, winking at him, and something in Spencer loosens at the fact that Derek hasn’t changed his behaviour at all. “But I’m more interested in Mr. Sexy Emergency Contact Mystery Boyfriend Man right now.”

Spencer outright laughs at that, before wincing painfully as his ribs twinge, and he has to fit the oxygen mask around his face again and breathe deeply for a couple of breaths before the nasal cannula can suffice again.

“I met him around this time last year at an FBI gala actually,” Spencer manages. “Everyone on our team bailed except Penelope, Emily, and me. He’s called Luke and he works in the Fugitive Task Force. We just clicked as soon as we met, you know? We have this chemistry that I’ve never felt with anyone before, and we started dating pretty quickly. We actually moved in together last month when his lease was up, but we’re thinking of moving to a bigger, nicer place in Mount Pleasant. Luke’s actually had his eye on this one house that went up…”

He trails off when he notices Derek looking at him strangely, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “What?”

“Nothing,” Derek says gently. “You just look happy, pretty boy. When you started talking about Luke you got this happy, dopey smile on your face, and I’ve just never seen you like that. It’s nice.”

“Oh.” He blushes fiercely at the acknowledgement of just how soft he is for his boyfriend, but it’s not embarrassing, he’s just ridiculously happy and head over heels in love.

Still, feeling a little awkward at the attention, he raises the oxygen mask to his face just for something to do.

“Does he treat you well?” Derek asks seriously, suddenly looking like the FBI tough guy he really is.

Spencer grins and nods, pulling the mask away again. “So good. He’s one of those people that looks out for everyone before himself, you know? He listens to my rambles and tangents like he actually knows and cares about what I’m saying, and he insists on making me every meal we’re both home for. Every day off, he brings me breakfast in bed, and he’ll even suffer through my documentaries even though his favourite thing to watch is action movies. He’s the best boyfriend I could hope for.”

“Good,” Derek says fiercely, even though he’s smiling just a little at the thought of Spencer being taken care of. “But if anything ever changes, I won’t hesitate to—”

“Spencer?” Derek’s interrupted by the door flying over, and a very harried looking Luke Alvez rushing towards the bed, seemingly not noticing the man literally threatening his death right next to him. “Oh my God, Spencer, I was so worried, I thought—”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Spencer says, voice still a little weak. Can’t he at least sound convincing when he’s trying to tell these people that he’s fine? “I’m okay, I’ll be out of here before you know it.”

“Are you sure, baby? Do I need to get the doctor? Have they been looking after you, because I swear—”

“Luke,” he laughs, interrupting his worried tangent. “I’m fine, I promise.”

He watches amusedly as Luke sags with relief. “Oh thank God,” he breathes, and it’s then that he appears to notice Derek. “Oh, shit.”

He looks to Spencer with an alarmed look in his eyes, knowing full well that he isn’t out to his team yet, but before apologies can start dripping off his lips, he rushes to fill him in.

“It’s okay. I told him.”

Luke’s face brightens in an illuminating smile, his eyes wide and happy. “You did? I’m so proud of you, cariño.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Derek says, rising from his chair to shake Luke’s hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you in the last ten minutes.”

Luke grins. “All good things, I hope.”

Derek winks teasingly at Spencer. “Oh, better than good. Spencer here seems quite gone for you.”

He blushes again, but Luke just sits on the edge of his hospital bed and takes his face in his hand. “Well, I’m just as gone for him as he is for me. Probably even more so.”

“No way,” Spencer protests as vehemently as he can with an oxygen mask glued to his face again. “I definitely love you more.”

His words are half swallowed by the mask, and half muffled by the gaggle of FBI agents pouring into his room, all talking over one another loudly.

Luke jumps off the bed and stands to attention as they all quieten down, three of them in complete shock, one of them — Emily, recognising Luke — in anticipation of what’s about to happen.

“Uh,” Spencer starts unsurely, eyes flicking between his boyfriend and his team. “Meet my boyfriend?”

There’s a brief pause before everyone jumps into action again: Emily greeting him warmly, JJ introducing herself, and Hotch and Rossi giving him firm, threatening handshakes as a warning that no harm is to come to their pseudo-son.

Spencer knows they don’t have to worry about that, though, not with Luke, and they’re quickly shown that when he takes his rightful place sat on the edge of his hospital bed again, hands smoothing his hair gently.

“Thank you,” he says to Derek, voice soft and sincere as everyone’s sat leisurely around the room, doing their own thing now they’re calmed down after the initial meet and greet, “for taking care of him. I worry about him, you know, and it’s good to see that he has so many good people looking after him.”

“We all do,” Derek replies, looking over at Spencer fondly. “We’re all incredibly overprotective. Residual effects from him joining the team so young, probably.”

“I can see that,” Luke smiles, looking over at Hotch and Rossi, who still have their eyes trained on him, despite having warmed up to him quickly.

“Well between us all,” Emily interjects diplomatically, “I think we have Spencer covered. He has a lot of good people looking out for him.”

Spencer knows they all think he’s asleep, but he can’t help but say something. “I definitely do,” he slurs tiredly, causing Luke to quickly turn his attention to him, pressing a tender kiss to his forehead as he runs his fingers through his hair with the hand not intertwined with Spencer’s. “Love you.”

“I love you too, baby,” Luke murmurs. “And so does everybody in this room.”

Smiling softly and feeling safe as anything, Spencer finally gives into the heavy pull of tiredness, and lets himself drift off to sleep.

I'm such a sucker for coming out fics omg, I hope you didn't mind that element! But God, I've missed writing Ralvez fics. If anyone has any Ralvez prompts then please send them my way because I want to write them so badly but I really find it hard to find plot for them! <3

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @hotchseyebrows @reidology @spencerspecifics @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @ropoto

#my writing #ralvez #criminal minds #cm #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #luke alvez #spencer reid #derek morgan #hurt spencer reid #spencer reid whump #luke alvez x spencer reid #spencer reid x luke alvez #spencer reid/luke alvez #luke alvez/spencer reid #ralvez fic #ralvez fanfic

184 notes · View notes

reallifesultanas · 3 years

Text

The myths around Kösem Sultan's execution / A Köszem szultána halála körüli legendák

One of the most frequently discussed topics about the Sultanate of Women is the brutal execution of Kösem Sultan. Usually, the casual people think that she was assassinated by her son-in-law Turhan Hatice Sultan during a long power struggle. We have plenty of accounts of the events, but there are quite a few of them that are contemporary. In this post, I would like to summarize what we know, who were the characters of the events, and what might have happened that night. In the comments section or in Tellonyme, I look forward to everyone's opinion and comment about the topic so that we can discuss it! :) If you don't know Kösem Sultan, you can read her biography HERE.

What do we know for sure?

- After Ibrahim's dethronement and execution, Kösem Sultan became a regent to her grandson Mehmed IV. - Turhan, Mehmed’s mother, and Kösem Sultan were on different sides during the political games. - Kösem Sultan was killed by her enemies on September 2, 1651. - Turhan Hatice became the new regent, Kösem Sultan's executioners were not punished, but her supporters were soon killed.

Backstory

Kösem Sultan came to power for the second time in February 1640. Along with her crazy son, Ibrahim I, she began to rule the Ottoman Empire as regent. Everyone loved her, she had a huge experience in rule, she did a lot of charity. Everything seemed perfect, but her son, Ibrahim, soon came under the influence of bad advisers. Cinci Hoca was a religious leader in occult sciences who took advantage of the Sultan’s mental problems and seriously influenced him. As a result, the Sultan executed his Grand Vizier in 1644 and exiled his mother. He originally intended to send his mother to the island of Rhodes, but eventually, his concubines persuaded him to send her only to another palace. Kösem Sultan spent the next few years there in exile, but during that time she corresponded regularly with the statesmen and tried to keep everything under control. She probably wrote her well-known letter to Hezarpare Ahmed Pasha here, saying, "In the end, he will not leave you or me alive and we will lose control of the state again, thereby destroying our society." The situation deteriorated to the point that in 1647 Kösem Sultan and the new Grand Vizier, Salih Pasha and Seyhülislam Abdürrahim Efendi tried to dethrone Ibrahim but they failed. The next year, both the Janissaries and the Ulema joined the rebellion, and on August 8, 1648, the mad sultan was easily dethroned and imprisoned and his followers were removed from positions.

Ibrahim was succeeded by his son, Mehmed, who was barely 6 years old, andso he needed a regent. The statesmen asked Kösem Sultan for the honorary task. The position of regent was usually held by teachers, pashas, or mothers (in the case of Mehmed II, the Grand Vizier was regent; in Ahmed I, his mother and teacher; in Murad IV, and Ibrahim's case their mother), so Kösem Sultan was the first grandmother to become regent. According to the most accepted opinions, this happened because Mehmed’s mother, Turhan Hatice, was not even 25 years old at the time, too young and inexperienced to run the empire. Anyhow Kösem Sultan started her third regency and she constantly disregarded Mehmed’s mother, Turhan. Because of Turhan’s youth, she might truly would not have been the best regent, yet she had every right to control the harem. Kösem Sultan, however, did not allow this to the young woman either. So Turhan, in vain was the mother of the reigning sultan, all her duties were ruled by Kösem Sultan. Kösem Sultan gained more and more enemies both in the divan and the harem, so both places split into two sides: Kösem Sultan and her supporters and Turhan Sultan and her supporters.

Two opposite sides and characters

Kösem Sultan and her supporters

Kösem Sultan ruled the empire as a regent for decades, and when she was not a regent, she followed events as valide sultan. Earlier in her life, she worked together with most of the pashas. During her first regency, she said that she, as the representative of the ruler, intended to be there at the divan meetings in person. This was not allowed by the pashas and so she was forced to accept. During her third regency, however, she was not bowing before anyone’s will. She had lost all her sons, buried at least one daughter, sacrificed her whole life for the empire, so then she refused to compromise on anything anymore. She wished to rule the empire as an absolute monarch. And in the divan she dismissed everyone who disagreed with her. More and more people began to debate her right for ruling. One of her well-known divan speeches happed around this time. Kösem Sultan accused the Grand Vizier Sofu Ahmed Pasha of wanting to kill her, then she continued: “Thank God I survived four rulers and I ruled for a long time myself. The world will neither collapse nor reform with my death.”

Kösem Sultan went too far. She didn't just change the pashas she did not like but replaced them with Janissary officers. The Janissaries have served her with allegiance since the first regency of Kösem Sultan. Back then, in 1623, she went against everyone and gave the Janissaries a huge amount of money after Murad IV's accession to the throne. Although there were rebellions and disagreements, basically the Janissaries - but at least some of their corps - were loyal to Kösem Sultan. Representation of the Janissaries has been a thing for centuries, but to make Janissaries — or simply soldiers — vizieres was too much. Pashas learnt a lot and bore a lot to reach the highest possible positions and they were aware of how to be good veziers. This was their only aim and Kösem put Janissary officers there instead of educated statesmen. Everyone in the divan felt that Kösem Sultan wanted to build a military rule so that she could lead the empire in a way she liked. Thus, by 1651, only a few corps of Janissaries were actually on the side of Kösem in political terms. Although the people still loved her for her generous charity, in political terms their support did not mean much.

In addition to the growing tension with the pashas, Kösem Sultan had a rival in the harem also. Although most sources treat it as a fact that the relationship of Kösem Sultan and Turhan was terrible, there is no evidence to that effect. The relationship between the two of them only began to deteriorate over time, but in general, it can be said that Kösem Sultan just did not care about Turhan at all. She certainly looked down on her and didn't think much about Turhan. Kösem Sultan, although she had her own harem staff, did not have the most influential eunuch. Moreover, some said most of her servants also found her unworthy after realizing the way she treated Turhan. Perhaps it is no coincidence that so many sources mention a servant named Meleki Hatun, who famously switched sides and betrayed Kösem Sultan and began to strengthen Turhan’s side.

Turhan Hatice Sultan and her supporters

Turhan Hatice had more allies and so was in a better position in the harem than Kösem Sultan. She received help from an influential eunuch, Suleiman Agha. Suleiman aga was the leader of the harem agas, an ambitious eunuch with great power and contact system, with significant political influence. The harem was actually torn in two, thanks to the supporters of Kösem Sultan and Turhan Hatice. Both sides had their own chief eunuchs, which caused immense chaos within the harem, people did not know whose instructions to follow. And although the title of Valide Sultan belonged to Turhan Hatice as the mother of the sultan, the vernacular referred to her only as “small valide,” while Kösem Sultan was called “big valide”. Suleiman Agha's support, however, was worth its weight in gold. The eunuch looked primarily at his own interests throughout his life, and he had a great understanding of how to exploit and influence people. This is precisely why the possibility arises that it was Suleiman who set Turhan up and turned her against Kösem Sultan. Perhaps it was Suleiman who - hoping for his own rise from the young valide - persuaded her to take what was her right. In addition, Suleiman Agha was very liked by the young sultan, becoming a kind of father figure for the boy. Of course, it is not my intention to underestimate the role of Turhan in the events, but at the same time, I feel that the role of Suleiman Agha is actually underrated and I would like to make that clear. I’m not saying Turhan was a naive girl led by the evil Suleiman Agha, I just think that without Suleiman’s support and incitement, Turhan probably wouldn’t have, or much later, confronted Kösem Sultan.

In addition to Suleiman, three other major eunuchs also sided with Turhan: Hoca Reyhan Agha, Lala Hajji Ibrahim Agha, and Ali Agha. Hoca Reyhan Agha was closest to Turhan as his associate and religious leader, but Lala Hajji Aga was also a long-term partner in Turhan’s life. In addition to the eunuchs, we must also mention Meleki Hatun, whose legend is well known. According to this, she was the one who betrayed the plan of Kösem Sultan to Turhan, thus saving the little Sultan Mehmed from death and dethronement. However, the reality is probably less romantic. It is unlikely that a previously insignificant, never-ever mentioned servant like Meleki would have known about Kösem Sultan's plans and so could betray her. Certainly, Meleki was given a bigger role in the legend than she actually had. Maybe Meleki has agreed to be a scapegoat, testifying against Kösem Sultan if she gets goods in return. Given what a huge fortune Meleki gained after Kösem Sultan’s death, we can’t rule out this option either. Even if Meleki brought supporters for Turhan within the harem, she could have had quite a bit of an impact on the whole event. In addition to Turhan, the key figure was Suleiman Agha, who also had a close relationship with the divan, so he could easily connect members of the divan who were dissatisfied with Kösem Sultan. The most influential supporter was none other than the Grand Vizier, Siyavuş Pasha, but practically the entire divan turned against Kösem Sultan so far. It should also be mentioned that although most formations of the Janissaries were impartial or were on Kösem Sultan's side, the Sipahies tended to the group of Turhan and her supporters.

What led to the tragic night?

Before turning to the immediate causes, we need to jump back a bit in time to better understand Kösem Sultan's behavior. As is well known, Ibrahim I was succeeded by his son, Mehmed, barely 6 years old, who needed a regent. The statesmen asked Kösem Sultan for the honorary task. However, the request was rather strange. Why is that? The regent position was usually held by teachers, pashas, or mothers, and Kösem Sultan was none. Moreover, Kösem Sultan rejected the request for the first time on the grounds that she no longer has the strength to rule further.

Why did Kösem Sultan take on the task? Did she really want to retire?

To understand Kösem Sultan's thoughts, we need to jump a little further back in time. Kösem Sultan was in exile for years during Ibrahim's reign. From her exile, she repeatedly attempted a coup against her own son. From one of her surviving letters in exile, it is clear that she was part of the coup that eventually dethroned her son. Outwardly, however, she showed a very different picture. After Ibrahim was shut down, they wanted to put his son, Mehmed, on the throne. Kösem Sultan then met with the statesmen at Topkapi Palace to discuss with them what Ibrahim's fate should be. They negotiated for hours, but Kösem Sultan all along refused to give Ibrahim's eldest son to the statemen. The statesmen had to publicly convince Kösem Sultan for hours. Kösem Sultan who had previously done everything to dethrone her son is now standing by his son. Why? Of course, we will never know exactly what happened in her mind. However, it seems probable, that Kösem Sultan wanted to keep the image of a loving mother in front of the soldiers and the people. If she would just agree to Ibrahim's dethronement and Mehmed's enthronement that would be strange from a loving mother. Therefore, she held a sham debate with the pashas not to lose the sympathy of the people, but at the same time to keep the empire safe. Kösem Sultan was an experienced politician who was able to rule for years, and her loving and caring mother image was essential to that. Thus, with Kösem Sultan's consent, Sultan Ibrahim was eventually closed up and Mehmed has proclaimed their new sultan. Perhaps the first rejection of regency in 1648 was also part of a play like this. Kösem Sultan maybe felt the people expect this of her, so she offered to retire, while maybe in the background she had already agreed with the pashas.

And why did the members of the divan let Kösem Sultan to be the regent? After all, any of the members of the divan or even Mehmed's teacher could have applied for the task. And that would give huge power to them. So why did they give this opportunity to Kösem Sultan?

Ibrahim I was executed on August 18, 1648. Some say Kösem Sultan gave her consent to the execution but it cannot be ruled out that the execution took place behind her back. As I mentioned above, the mother of the dethroned or assassinated sultans has traditionally retreated to the Old Palace, where they lived their remaining years politically inactive. In her case, however, this did not happen. This raises the possibility that Kösem Sultan was unaware of Ibrahim’s execution and the pashas tried to reconcile the shattered woman with this gesture. Maybe Kösem gave her consent, knew what will happen, but still in the end she couldn't bear the pain. Either way, after the execution Kösem Sultan has changed. She turned against the pashas with whom she had always cooperated before. Whichever version is true, we can clearly see that the Kösem Sultan who became a regent to Mehmed IV, was no longer the same woman who had previously been considered the beloved mother of the empire.

But who ordered the execution of Ibrahim? Do we know? No, we do not know. Actually any of the statesmen could do it, but either Suleiman Agha or Turhan Sultan could make the little sultan to sign the fetwa petition and then send it to the Seyhülislam to authorize. Anyhow, the fetwa was authorized with full right, as Ibrahim was very harmful to the empire.

The murder

As can be seen from the above summary, Kösem Sultan was trying to build an absolute monarchy in which no one but a few Janissary corpses supported her, so a huge team gathered against her. According to the well-known version, over time, the strife between Kösem Sultan and the statesmen escalated to the point that, with the support of Turhan Hatice, the statesmen tried to remove her from her position. Kösem Sultan in response to this planned to dethrone Sultan Mehmed and put her other grandson on the throne instead. To do this, she wanted to let the Janissaries into the palace so that they could carry out the coup at night, which is why she left the gate to the harem open for the night. However, Kösem Sultan's plan was revealed to her enemies. According to some it was a servant named Meleki Hatun, who betrayed Kösem and told her plans to Turhan. Thus, as soon as the men of Kösem Sultan opened the gate on September 2, 1651, the men of Turhan Hatice, led by Chief Eunuch Suleiman Agha, closed it and sent an execution squad to the residence of Kösem Sultan. When she heard knocking on her door Kösem Sultan thought that her own allies had come, so she shouted at them, “Have you come?”. However, instead of the voice of the Janissaries, she heard the voice of the eunuch Suleiman Agha, which made her panic and flee. It’s not exactly known if she did get out of her apartment and if yes then how because the descriptions don’t match. Some said she hid in a closet inside her apartment, others said she tried to get to the Janissaries, but she couldn’t get through the closed gate, so she finally hid in the room next to the gate.

The execution squad, which consisted of several eunuchs (Suleiman Agha, Hoca Reyhan Agha, Lala Hajji Ibrahim Agha, and Ali Agha, as well as some unknown eunuchs) continued the search. Kösem Sultan hid in a closet from which the edge of her dress protruded, revealing her hiding place. When they found her, she threw money at her executioners, trying to pay them off, but she had no chance against Turhan's loyal men. Legend has it that while the men tried to capture and strangle the valide sultan they ripped out her diamond earrings - which she had received from Sultan Ahmed - from her ears; torn apart her clothes as they tried to take away the precious ornaments from her. Kösem Sultan beyond her sixties fought very hard but in the end, the eunuchs overcame her. Some say she was strangled with her own hair, others said with a curtain. She survived the first strangulation attempt but did not survive the second.

However, there are several points in the story above that raise doubts:

- Kösem Sultan's problem was not Mehmed but was the pashas, Turhan and Suleiman Agha. Then why didn't she get rid of them? Wouldn’t it have been easier and more logical to kill these people than to dethrone one child sultan for the benefit of another child? Of course, we can justify this with the fact that Kösem Sultan was no longer sane, so let’s not even look for logic in her actions. However, it may also raise the possibility that perhaps Kösem Sultan was completely or at least partially innocent throughout the series of events. She may not have planned anything with the Janissaries, the whole plan was only invented by Turhan and her men to legitimize their own actions. However, it contradicts that the Janissaries were indeed preparing to gather on the tragic night, and it is unlikely that Turhan and her team could successfully cheat the Janissaries without Kösem Sultan realizing it. It is possible that Kösem Sultan was indeed prepared for a minor coup, but it was perhaps not directed against Mehmed. Kösem Sultan had to realize that besides the pashas, Suleiman Aga was behind the "rebellious" behavior of Turhan and Mehmed. I think Kösem Sultan planned a smaller coup in which she would have got rid of the eunuchs and servants she didn’t like and would have scared Mehmed and Turhan. This would have ensured her own power and that neither Turhan nor Mehmed would question her anymore.

- Why was Kösem Sultan killed in such a strange way? After all, the lawful, usual method of execution was by an execution squad with Seyhülislam fetwa and silk/bow string. (It is important to note, however, that female members of the dynasty have not been executed before, women have typically been punished only with exile.) Kösem Sultan in contrast was killed by inexperienced eunuchs, with a kind of fake fetwa, and by her own hair or a curtain. The question arises that perhaps the execution of Kösem Sultan was not even planned. If the execution would be planned, executioners could clearly kill her after a legal fetwa. About the fetwa... There was, of course, a fetwa, but the temporality is somewhat disturbed by the fact that the Seyhülislam was replaced by one of Turhan's trusted men just when the execution took place. Precisely because of this, and because of the unusual brutality of the execution, there is a possibility that perhaps the execution of Kösem Sultan was not originally planned, only things slipped out of control, and in the heat of the moment, the Eunuchs executed Kösem Sultan. In retrospect, to legalize the events, they produced a fetwa with the new Seyhülislam.

- But then who and why did finally decide that Kösem Sultan should die? Turhan was not present at the events, and since the murder was not planned in advance - based on the fetwa and executioners - I would remove her from the list of suspects. Of course, it cannot be ruled out that Turhan Hatice Sultan and Suleiman Agha talked about this possibility also. It is more probable, however, that they originally merely wanted to scare Kösem Sultan, to show her that she had been exposed, that time had passed over her. In my opinion, Turhan hoped that Kösem Sultan would admit her defeat and simply retire to the Old Palace. It would have been too risky to kill a venerate and beloved valide, especially knowing that none of the female members of the dynasty had ever been executed before. They probably wanted to resign her, but so far there was nothing to lose for Kösem Sultan. The only thing that still made her vivid was power, so she certainly objected to the idea of forced retreat. When Suleiman Agha realized that Kösem Sultan was not listening to them, perhaps out of fear, he decided they had to kill her. After all, if the enraged Kösem Sultan had come out of the palace, Suleiman and the other eunuchs would have found themselves headless at once. Although there is no evidence of it, my personal opinion is that Suleiman may have wanted this from the first minute, as he knew full well that Kösem Sultan would never retire. Either way, the eunuchs eventually defeated and executed the elderly valide in a way that could not be called professional at all.

- Can we completely rule out that Kösem Sultan was executed with a truly legal fetwa and by an execution squad? Unfortunately, this cannot be ruled out either. The English ambassador, for example, reported that an execution squad had killed Kösem Sultan after a fetwa requested by the young sultan. He said that the execution happened in front of Mehmed eyes. We must admit though that the English ambassador was not among the best-informed ones. It is likely that everyone at the time believed that the fetwa was pre-issued. Only later, after historians’ research, it became very possible that the fetwa was presumably made after the execution of Kösem Sultan. It is not seems reasonable that Kösem Sultan would have been executed before the eyes of her 10-year-old grandson, Mehmed. Turhan tried very hard to protect her son, unlikely to have exposed him to such a trauma. Mustafa Naima agrees with the English ambassador that the execution was planned in advance, but he said it was not the eunuchs but an execution squad that killed Kösem Sultan. However, then why was the execution brutal? Why wasn't there a silk/bow string? Why was it performed by unfit eunuchs?

The aftermath of the murder

To prevent any resistance, during the night, Turhan Hatice and her men removed all statesmen who would have endangered them. The first man to be appointed that night was Ebu Said Efendi, the new Seyhülislam. He was the one who eventually issued the fetwa for the execution of Kösem Sultan (in retrospect). Turhan then sent a message to all statesmen and soldiers to immediately go to an audience where they would take allegiance to Sultan Mehmed. Most, out of fear or out of sincere feelings, immediately approached the Sultan, and those who did not, the new Seyhülislam issued a fetwa for them. Thus it became lawful to execute the supporters of Kösem Sultan, since they did not appear before the Sultan either. And the rebellious Janissaries were thus stigmatized as traitors and were legally executed. For commoners, they became the scapegoat for the death of Kösem Sultan. After the murder, Kösem Sultan was transported to the Old Palace, where her body was prepared for the funeral. She received an imperial funeral, and the people of Istanbul voluntarily held 3-day mourning, closing all shops and stores. Kösem Sultan has always been popular among the people, but interestingly the same people did not turn against Turhan because of the death of Kösem Sultan, in fact, Turhan became as loved and revered valide sultan just as Kösem Sultan was.

What happened to the real culprits? Turhan and Mehmed escaped, of course, but it is questionable whether they had any part in the murder at all. It is true that a rebellion in 1656 seriously shook their power, but in the end, they did not lose it. The main reasons for this were the weak Grand Veziers, the resurgent Celali rebellion, and the war with the Venetians. Due to the war people of the capital did not get enough grain, the soldiers were not properly paid, but ordinary people were also increasingly dissatisfied, especially angered by the extreme wealth of those close to the Sultan. Eventually, under the leadership of the Janissaries and Spahis, the people revolted on the fourth of March 1656. During the rebellion, several of those close to the sultan were brutally executed, the whole capital was ravaged. The mob hung all 31 people on trees next to the Blue Mosque. Among them was Meleki Hatun, whom the sultan especially loved. Although the capital has been shaken by riots in the past, such a rebellion has never happened before. Not only did the soldiers revolt, but the people also stood by the soldiers as one. Everyone closed their shops, a general strike took place during the rebellion.

Suleiman Agha was no longer in power when the rebellion took place and perhaps this held his head on his neck. After the assassination of Kösem Sultan, he became the chief black eunuch, but he could only enjoy the position until July 1652. Suleiman continued to stretch beyond his blanket, trying to change political issues that had nothing to do with him. Turhan Hatice also began to realize that Suleiman was not on their side at all, but only on his own. Of particular interest is that Lala Ibrahim Agha convinced Turhan of this, who himself took part in the execution of Kösem Sultan. Lala Ibrahim Agha was Turhan’s personal eunuch and he never longed (or wisely didn’t show her) for a higher position. Turhan was thus finally dismissed Suleiman Agha in 1652 and exiled him to Egypt. The refined eunuch even invented himself in exile, growing into an influential figure who became one of the main figures in Cairo’s local politics. He died in 1676/7.

Epilogue

We will probably never know exactly what led to the execution and how it took place. Nor was my aim with the post to present a perfect solution in the manner as Hercule Poirot usually does. I merely wished to shed light on the fact that the generally known and accepted theory should be regarded with some healthy doubts. The fact that it is the most generally accepted theory, does not mean it is the most thorough. There are plenty of question marks, dubious information which makes it clear that this whole situation was more complicated than two women fighting for domination over the harem.

Kösem Sultan was the sultana who broke the highest, who could have been at the top for a long time, but from the great heights, she finally fell down and became the only murdered valide sultana ever. Kösem Sultan had several titles during her life: Naib-i Sultanat (regent of the Ottoman Empire), Umin al-Mu'minin (mother of all muslims), Büyük Valide Sultan (great Valide Sultan), Valide-i Sehide (martyred mother), Valide-i Maktule (murdered mother), Valide-i Muazzama (magnificent mother).

Used sources: M. Kocaaslan - IV. Mehmed Saltanatında Topkapı Sarayı Haremi: İktidar, Sınırlar ve Mimari; L. Peirce - The Imperial Harem; Ö. Kumrular - Kösem Sultan: iktidar, hırs, entrika; C. Finkel - Osman’s Dream: the History of the Ottoman Empire; M. P. Pedani - Relazioni inedite; N. Sakaoğlu - Bu Mülkün Kadın Sultanları; G. Börekçi - Factions and Favorites at the Courts of Sultan Ahmed I and His Immediate Predecessors; F. Davis - The Palace of Topkapi in Istanbul; Faroqhi - The Ottoman Empire and the World; C. Imber - The Ottoman Empire 1300-1650; F. Suraiya, K. Fleet - The Cambridge History of Turkey 1453-1603; F. Suraiya - The Cambridge History of Turkey, The Later Ottoman Empire, 1603–1839; Ö. Düzbakar - Charitable Women And Their Pious Foundations In The Ottoman; G. Junne - The black eunuchs of the Ottoman Empire, Networks of Power in the Court of the Sultan.

* * *

A Nők szultánátusának egyik legtöbbször tárgyalt témája Köszem szultána brutális kivégzése. Általában a laikusok elintézik annyival, hogy Köszem szultánát menye, Turhan Hatice gyilkoltatta meg hosszas hatalmi harc lezárásaként. Rengeteg beszámoló áll rendelkezésünkre az eseményekről, ám meglehetősen kevés van köztük, mely konkrétan korabeli lenne. Ebben az írásban szeretném összegezni, hogy mit tudunk, kik voltak a szereplők az eseményekben és hogy mi történhetett azon a bizonyos éjjelen. A kommentszekcióban várom mindenki véleményét, megjegyzését a témáról, hogy meg tudjuk vitatni a posztot! :) Aki nem ismerné Köszem szultánát, az ITT tudja elolvasni életrajzát.

Mit tudunk biztosan?

- Köszem I. Ibrahim trónfosztása és kivégzése után régens lett unokája IV. Mehmed mellett. - Turhan, Mehmed anyja és Köszem külöböző oldalon álltak a politikai játszmák során. - Köszemet 1651. szeptember 2-án meggyilkolták ellenségei. - Turhan Hatice lett az új régens, Köszem gyilkosai nem lettek megbüntetve, támogatóitól azonban rövidesen megszabadultak.

Előzmények

Köszem szultána 1640 februárjában másodjára került hatalomra. Zavart elméjú fia, I. Ibrahim mellett régensként kezdte irányítani az Oszmán Birodalmat. Köszemet mindenki szerette, az uralkodásban hatalmas tapasztalata volt, rengeteget jótékonykodott. Minden tökéletesnek tűnt, azonban fia, Ibrahim hamarosan rossz emberek befolyása alá került. Cinci Hoca okkult tudományokkal foglalkozó vallási vezető volt, aki kihasználta a szultán mentális problémáit és komolyan befolyásolta őt. Ennek az lett az eredménye, hogy a szultán 1644-ben a nagyvezírét kivégeztette, édesanyját pedig száműzte. Eredetileg Rodosz szigetére szándékozta küldeni anyját, de végül ágyasai meggyőzték, hogy csak egy másik palotába küldje. Köszem elkövetkezendő éveit ott töltötte száműzetésben, ám ezalatt az idő alatt is rendszeresen levelezett az államférfiakkal és igyekezett kézben tartani mindent. Valószínűleg itt írta meg jól ismert levelét is Hezarpare Ahmed Pasának, mely így szólt: “Végül sem titeket, sem engem nem hagyna életben és újra elveszítenénk az uralmat az állam felett, ezzel pedig lerombolnánk társadalmunkat.” Odáig fajult a helyzet, hogy 1647-ben Köszem szultána és az új nagyvezír, Salih Pasa és a Seyhülislam Abdürrahim Efendi megpróbálták trónfosztani Ibrahimot, azonban lebuktak. A következő évben a janicsárok és az ulema is csatlakozott a lázadáshoz és 1648 augusztus 8-án könnyűszerrel trónfosztották és bebörtönözték az őrült szultánt, követőit pedig eltávolították a pozíciókból.

Ibrahimot a trónon fia, az alig 6 éves Mehmed követte, aki mellett szükség volt egy régensre. Az államférfiak Köszemet kérték fel a megtisztelő feladatra. A régensi pozíciót általában tanítók, pasák vagy édesanyák látták el (II. Mehmed esetében a nagyvezír volt régens, I. Ahmednél anyja és tanítója, IV. Muradnál és I. Ibrahimnál anyjuk), így Köszem volt az első nagymama, akiből régens lehetett. Erre a legelfogadottabb vélemények szerint azért kerülhetett sor, mert Mehmed édesanyja, Turhan Hatice még 25 éves sem volt ekkor, túl fiatal és tapasztalatlan volt a birodalom irányításához. Köszem tehát belekezdett harmadik régensségébe és folyamatosan semmibe vette Mehmed édesanyját, Turhant. Turhan fiatalsága okán talán tényleg nem lett volna jó régens, ugyanakkor a hárem irányításához minden joga megvolt. Köszem viszont ezt sem engedte meg a fiatal nőnek. Turhan tehát hiába volt a regnáló szultán anyja, minden feladatkörét Köszem uralta. Emellett Köszem a divánban is egyre több ellenségre tett szert, így a hárem és a divan is két oldalra szakadt: Köszem támogatóira és Turhan támogatóira.

Két, szemben álló oldal és a szereplők

Köszem oldala

Köszem évtizedeken át uralta régensként a birodalmat, amikor pedig nem régens volt, valideként követte figyelemmel az eseményeket. Életének korábbi szakaszában a legtöbb pasa mellette állt, ami nem volt elmondható harmadik régensségéről. Köszem első régenssége alatt is jelezte, hogy ő, mint az uralkodó reprezentálása ott kíván lenni a divan gyűléseken személyesen. Ezt akkor a pasák nem engedték meg neki, amit ő kénytelen-kelletlen el is fogadott. Harmadik régenssége során azonban szó sem lehetett arról, hogy meghajoljon bárki akarata előtt. Elveszítette összes fiát, legalább egy lányát is eltemette már, egész életét a birodalomnak áldozta, nem volt hajlandó többé bármiben is kompromisszumot kötni. Gyakorlatilag egyeduralkodóként kívánta irányítani a birodalmat. A divanban pedig aki nem értett vele egyet, azt eltiporta és menesztette. Köszem jogát az uralkodáshoz egyre többen kezdték el vitatni, egyik ilyen divan vita során hangzott el a jól ismert beszéde is. Ekkor Köszem megvádolta a nagyvezír Sofu Ahmed Pasát azzal, hogy meg akarta őt öletni, majd így folytatta: “Istennek hála négy uralkodót segítettem és én magam is hosszú ideig uralkodtam. A világ nem fog sem összeomlani sem megreformálódni a halálommal.”

Köszem azonban nem elégedett meg a pasák megalázásával, tanácsaik el nem fogadásával. Még csak nem is neki tetsző más pasákra cserélte le őket, hanem janicsárokat kezdett vezíri rangra emelni. A janicsárok Köszem első régenssége óta hűséggel szolgálták az asszonyt, amiért az mindenkivel szembe menve 1623-ban hatalmas trónralépési jussot adott a janicsároknak IV. Murad trónralépése után. Bár voltak lázadások és egyet nem értések, alapvetően a janicsárok - de legalábbis néhány hadtestük - hűségesek voltak Köszemhez. A janicsárok képviselete évszázadok óta működött, azonban az, hogy janicsárokat - vagy egyszerűen katonákat - tegyenek vezírré a kitanult államférfiak helyett, több volt a soknál. Mindenki úgy érezte a divanban, hogy Köszem egy katonai uralmat kíván kiépíteni, hogy a neki tetsző módon vezethesse a birodalmat. Így Köszem oldalán 1651-re tulajdonképpen csak a janicsárok néhány hadteste állt politikai értelemben. Bár a nép továbbra is szerette őt bőkezű jótékonykodása miatt, politikai értelemben az ő támogatásuk nem jelentett sokat.

Amellett, hogy a pasákkal egyre nőtt a feszültség, Köszem a háremben is riválisra akadt. Bár a legtöbb forrás tényként kezeli, hogy Köszem és menye, Turhan viszonya tragikus volt, nincs erre utaló bizonyíték. Kettejük viszonya csak az idő előrehaladtával kezdett megromlani, általánosan azonban inkább az mondható el, hogy Köszem egyáltalán nem foglalkozott menyével. Mindenbizonnyal lenézte és nem tartotta sokra Turhant, így komolyan sem vette a nőt. Köszemnek bár megvolt a saját hárem személyzete, a legbefolyásosabb eunuch nem volt a kezében. Mindemellett egyesek szerint szolgálói nagyrésze is méltatlannak találta, ahogy Köszem Turhannal bánt. Talán nem véletlen, hogy oly sok forrás említi a Meleki Hatun nevű szolgálót, aki híresen oldalt váltott és Köszemet elárulva Turhan oldalát kezdte erősíteni.

Turhan Hatice oldala

Turhan Hatice a háremben jobban állt, mint Köszem. Segítséget kapott egy befolyásos eunuchtól, Szulejmán agától. Szulejmán aga volt a hárem agák vezetője, aki nagy hatalommal és kapcsolatrendszerrel rendelkező, ambíciózus eunuch volt, jelentős politikai befolyással. A hárem tulajdonképpen két oldalra szakadt, Köszem és Turhan Hatice támogatóira. Mind a két oldalnak megvolt a saját főeunuchja, ami hatalmas káoszt okozott a háremen belül, az emberek nem tudták, kinek az utasításait kövessék. És bár a valide szultána titulus a szultán anyjaként Turhan Haticét illette meg, a köznyelv csak “kis valide”-ként hivatkozott rá, míg Köszem volt a “nagy valide”. Szulejmán Aga támogatása ugyanakkor aranyat ért. Az eunuch első sorban a saját érdekeit nézte egész élete során, azonban remekül értett ahhoz, hogyan használjon ki és vezessen meg embereket. Épp emiatt felmerül annak a lehetősége is, hogy Szulejmán volt az, aki Turhant felbújtotta és Köszem ellen hangolta. Talán Szulejmán volt az, aki saját felemelkedését remélve a fiatal validétől, meggyőzte arról, hogy vegye el ami a saját jussa. Emellett Szulejmán Aga az ifjú szultánnal is megkedveltette magát, egyfajta apafigurává vált a fiú számára. Természetesen nem célom alábecsülni Turhan szerepét az eseményekben, ugyanakkor úgy érzem, hogy Szulejmán Aga szerepe ténylegesen alábecsült és ezt szeretném mindneképpen érzékeltetni. Nem azt mondom, hogy Turhan egy naíva volt, akit megvezetett a csúf, rossz Szulejmán Aga, csupán azt gondolom, hogy Szulejmán támogatása és felbújtása nélkül, Turhan valószínűleg nem, vagy sokkal később szállt volna szembe Köszemmel.

Szulejmán mellett három másik jelentősebb eunuch is Turhan oldalán állt, Hoca Reyhan Aga, Lala Hajji Ibrahim Aga és Ali Aga. Hoca Reyhan Aga állt legközelebb Turhanhoz, mint társalkodója és vallási vezetője, de Lala Hajji Aga is hosszútávú partner volt Turhan életében. Az eunuchok mellett meg kell említenünk Meleki Hatunt is, akinek legendája jól ismert. Eszerint ő volt az, aki Köszem tervét elárulta Turhannak, ezzel megmentve a kis Mehmed szultánt a haláltól és trónfosztástól. A valóság azonban valószínűleg kevésbé romantikus. Valószínűtlen, hogy egy korábban sosem említett, jelentéktelen szolgáló, mint Meleki tudott volna Köszem terveiről és el tudta volna árulni. Minden bizonnyal Melekit csupán oldalváltása miatt ruházták fel nagyobb szereppel, mint ami valójában volt. Talán Meleki elvállalta, hogy lesz bűnbak, tanúskodik Köszem ellen, ha cserébe javakat kap. Legalábbis tekintettel arra, hogy Meleki milyen hatalmas vagyonra tett szert Köszem halála után, nem zárhatjuk ki ezt az opciót sem. Meleki ha a háremen belül hozott is támogatókat Turhan számára, az egész eseményre meglehetősen kevés ráhatása lehetett. A kulcs figura Turhan mellett Szulejmán aga volt, akinek komoly kapcsolata volt a divánnal is, így könnyedén tudta csapatukhoz kapcsolni a divan Köszemmel elégedetlen tagjait is. A legbefolyásosabb támogató nem volt más, mint a Nagyvezír, Siyavuş Pasa, de gyakorlatilag szinte a teljes divan Köszem ellen fordult eddigre. Azt is meg kell említeni, hogy bár a jancsiárok legtöbb alakulata pártatlan vagy Köszem párti volt, a szpáhik inkább húztak a Turhan támogatói csoport felé.

Mi vezetett a tragikus éjszakához?

Mielőtt a közvetlen okokra rátérnék, kicsit vissza kell ugranunk az időben, hogy jobban megérthessük Köszem viselkedését. Mint ismert, trónfosztása után, I. Ibrahimot a trónon fia, az alig 6 éves Mehmed követte, aki mellett szükség volt egy régensre. Az államférfiak Köszemet kérték fel a megtisztelő feladatra. Ugyanakkor a felkérés meglehetősen furcsa volt. Miért is? A régensi pozíciót általában tanítók, pasák vagy édesanyák látták el, Köszem pedig egyik sem volt. Sőt, Köszem a felkérést először elutasította arra hivatkozva, hogy már nincs ereje tovább uralkodni.

Miért vállalta el Köszem mégis a feladatot? Valóban vissza akart vonulni?

Ahhoz, hogy megértsük Köszem gondolatait, még egy kicsit visszább kell ugranunk az időben. Köszem Ibrahim uralkodása során száműzetésben volt éveken át. Száműzetéséből pedig többször kísérelt meg puccsot saját fia ellen. Egyik száműzetésben írt levele alapján egyértelmű, hogy részese volt a puccsnak, mely végül fiát trónfosztotta. Kifelé azonban egészen más képet mutatott. Miután Ibrahimot elzárták, trónra szerették volna léptetni fiát, Mehmedet. Köszem szultána ekkor találkozott a Topkapi Palotában az államférfiakkal, hogy megvitassa velük mi legyen Ibrahim sorsa. Órákon át tárgyaltak, Köszem azonban végig megtagadta, hogy kiadja Ibrahim legidősebb fiát, Mehmedet. Így pedig nem lehetett őt kikiáltani szultánnak. Az államférfiaknak órákon keresztül kellett nyilvánsoan győzködniük Köszemet. Az a Köszem, aki korábban mindent elkövetett fia trónfosztásáért, most fia mellett állt ki. Miért? Természetesen sosem fogjuk megtudni, hogy Köszem fejében pontosan mi játszódott le. Valószínűnek tűnik azonban, hogy Köszem szerette volna megtartani a katonák és nép előtt a szerető anya képét, melybe nem fért bele saját fiának trónfosztása. Ezért egy álvitát tartott a pasákkal, hogy ne veszítse el a nép szimpátiáját, de ugyanakkor a birodalomnak is jót tegyen. Köszem tapasztalt politikus volt, aki éveken át tudott vezető szerepben maradni, ehhez pedig nélkülözhetetlen volt az imázs is. Így végül Köszem beleegyezésével elzárták Ibrahim szultánt, Mehmedet pedig új szultánjukká kiáltották ki. Talán a régensség első elutasítása is egy ehhez hasonló színjáték része volt. Köszem talán úgy érezte, hogy a nép ezt várja tőle, ezért felajánlotta visszavonulását, miközben talán a háttérben már régen megegyezett a pasákkal.

És a divan tagjai miért hagyták, hogy Köszem legyen a régens? Hiszen a divan tagjai közül akárki vagy akár Mehmed tanítója is jelentkezhetett volna a feladatra. Ez pedig hatalmas befolyást tett volna a férfiak kezébe. Miért engedték hát akkor át ezt a lehetőséget Köszemnek?

I. Ibrahimot 1648. augusztus 18-án kivégezték. Egyesek szerint Köszem szultána beleegyezését adta fia kivégzésébe, ám az sem zárható ki, hogy a kivégzés a háta mögött történt meg. Mint már fentebb említettem a trónfosztott vagy meggyilkolt szultánok édesanyja a tradíció szerint a Régi Palotába vonult vissza, ahol politikamentesen élték hátralévő éveiket. Köszem esetében azonban nem ez történt. Ez felveti annak eshetőségét, hogy Köszem nem tudott Ibrahim kivégzéséről és a pasák ezzel a gesztussal igyekeztek kiengesztelni az összetört nőt. De akkor ki rendelte el Ibrahim kivégzését? Gyakorlatilag bárki megtehette az államférfiak közül, de akár Szulejmán aga vagy Turhan is aláírathatta a fetwa kérvényt a kis szultánnal, melyet aztán a Seyhülislam teljes joggal engedélyezett, hiszen Ibrahim nagyon kártékony volt a birodalomra nézve. Akárhogyan is, Köszem a kivégzés után megváltozott. Vagy azért fordult a pasák ellen - akikkel korábban mindig együttműködő volt -, mert azok átverték őt Ibrahim kivégzésével kapcsolatban; vagy egyszerűen anyai szíve nem bírta elviselni, hogy beleegyezését adta fia kivégzésébe és megbomlott az elméje. Bármelyik verzió is igaz, azt tisztán látjuk, hogy az a Köszem, aki IV. Mehmed mellett régens lett, már nem ugyanaz az ember volt, akit korábban a birodalom imádott anyjának tekintettek.

A gyilkosság

Ahogy a fenti összefoglalásból is kiderül, Köszem egyeduralmat próbált kiépíteni, melyben néhány janicsár hadtesten kívül senki nem támogatta, így hatalmas csapat gyűlt össze ellene. A jól ismert verzió szerint, idővel a viszály Köszem és az államférfiak között odáig fajtult, hogy Turhan Hatice támogatásával az államférfiak megpróbálták Köszemet eltávolítani pozíciójából. Köszem válaszul erre azt tervezte, hogy trónfosztja IV. Mehmed szultánt és helyette másik unokáját ülteti a trónra. Ehhez a janicsárokat be kívánta engedni a palotába, hogy azok az éj leple alatt elvégezzék a puccsot, emiatt nyitva hagyatta éjszakára a hárem bejáratát. Köszem terve azonban ellenségei fülébe jutott, egyesek szerint egy Meleki nevű szolgáló által. Így amint Köszem emberei 1651. szeptember 2-án, kinyitották a kaput, Turhan Hatice emberei, a főeunuch Szulejmán Aga vezetésével bezáratták azt és kivégzőosztagot küldtek Köszem szultána lakrészébe. Mikor emberei Köszem lakrészéhez érve bekopogtak az ajtón, Köszem azt hitte, hogy saját emberei jöttek, ezért kikiabált nekik, hogy “Megjöttetek?”. Erre azonban a janicsárok hangja helyett Köszem az eunuch Szulejmán Aga hangját hallotta meg, amitől bepánikolt és menekülni kezdett. Nem pontosan tudni, hogy hogy jutott ki lakrészéből vagy ki jutott e egyáltalán, mert a leírások nem egyeznek. Egyesek szerint lakrészén belül bújt el egy szekrényben, mások szerint megpróbált kijutni a janicsárokhoz, azonban a zárt kapun keresztül nem tudott, így végül a kapu melletti szobában bújt el. A kivégzőosztag, amely több eunuchból (Szulejmán Aga, Hoca Reyhan Aga, Lala Hajji Ibrahim Aga és Ali Aga, valamint néhány ismeretlen eunuch) állt folytatta a keresést. Köszem egy szekrényben rejtőzött el, melyből ruhájának széle kilógott, ezzel felfedve rejtekhelyét. Amikor megtalálták, kivégzői elé pénzt dobott, ezzel próbálva lefizetni őket, ám esélye sem volt Turhan hű embereivel szemben. A legenda szerint a férfiak próbálták lefogni a validét, miközben füléből kitépték gyémánt fülbevalóit, melyeket Ahmed szultántól kapott; ruháját is megtépkedték, ahogy próbálták leszedni róla az értékes díszeket. Köszem túl a hatvanon is erősen ellenállt kivégzőinek, ám végül felülkerekedtek rajta. Egyesek szerint saját hajával, mások szerint egy függönnyel fojtották meg. Az első fojtogatási kísérlet után még magához tért, a másodikat azonban már nem élte túl.

Van azonban több olyan pont a fenti történetben, ami kétségeket ébreszt:

- Köszem problémája nem Mehmed volt, hanem a pasák, Turhan és Szulejmán Aga. Miért nem tőlük szabadult meg? Nem lett volna egyszerűbb és jogszerűbb meggyilkoltatni ezeket az embereket, mint trónfosztani az egyik gyermek szultánt egy másik gyermek javára? Természetesen megindokolhatjuk annyival a dolgot, hogy Köszem nem volt már épelméjű, így ne is keressünk logikát cselekedeteiben. Ugyanakkor felmerülhet az is, hogy talán Köszem teljesen vagy legalább részben ártatlan volt az egész eseménysorozatban. Elképzelhető, hogy nem tervezett semmit a janicsárokkal, az egész terv csak Turhan és emberei által lett kitalálva, hogy legitimizálják saját tetteiket. Ennek azonban ellent mond, hogy a janicsárok a tragikus éjszakán valóban gyülekezni készültek, az pedig nem valószínű, hogy Turhan és csapata sikerrel vezette meg a janicsárokat úgy, hogy Köszem erről ne szerzett volna tudomást. Lehetséges, hogy Köszem valóban készült egy kisebb puccsra, de az talán nem Mehmed ellen irányult. Köszemnek látnia kellett, hogy a pasák mellett Szulejmán Aga a fő felbújtó Turhan és Mehmed "rebellis" viselkedése mögött. Úgy vélem, Köszem egy kisebb puccsot tervezett, melyben megszabadult volna a neki nem tetsző eunuchoktól, szolgálóktól és ráijesztett volna Mehmedre és Turhanra. Ezzel biztosíthatta volna saját hatalmát és azt, hogy többé se Turhan se Mehmed ne kérdőjelezze őt meg.

- Miért gyilkolták meg Köszemet ilyen furcsa módon? Hiszen a jogszerű, szokásos kivégzési mód kivégző osztag által, Seyhülislami fetwával és selyemzsinórral történt. (Fontos ugyanakkor megjegyezni, hogy a dinasztia nő tagjain nem alkalmaztak korábban kivégzést, a nőket jellemzően száműzetéssel büntették.) Köszemet ezzel szemben képzetlen eunuchokkal, hamis fetwával és a saját hajával vagy egy függönnyel gyilkolták meg. Felmerül a kérdés, hogy talán Köszem kivégzése nem is volt eltervezve. Ha a kivégzés el lett volna tervezve, könnyedén tudtak volna kivégzőket szerezni selyemzsinórral és a fetwa kikérésének körülményei is egyértelműek lennének. Volt természetesen fetwa, de az időbeliséget kissé megzavarja a tény, hogy a régi Seyhülislamot ugyanakkor váltották le Turhan egyik megbízható emberére, mikor a kivégzés zajlott. Épp emiatt, és a kivégzés szokásostól eltérő brutalitása miatt, felmerülhet annak a lehetősége is, hogy talán Köszem kivégzése nem volt eredetileg eltervezve, csupán menet közben csúszott ki az irányítás Turhan kezéből és a pillanat hevében az eunuchok kivégezték Köszemet. Utólag pedig, hogy legalizálják az eseményeket gyártattak egy fetwát az új Seyhülislámmal.

- De akkor ki és miért döntött végül úgy, hogy Köszemnek meg kell halnia? Turhan nem volt jelen az események során, és mivel a gyilkosság nem volt előre eltervezve, őt kihúznám a gyanúsítottak listájáról. Természetesen az nem zárható ki, hogy Szulejmán Agával beszéltek erről az eshetőségről is. Valószínűbb azonban, hogy eredtileg csupán rá akartak ijeszteni Köszemre, megmutatni neki, hogy leleplezték, eljárt felette az idő. Véleményem szerint Turhan azt remélte, hogy Köszem beismeri vereségét és egyszerűen visszavonul a Régi Palotába. Túl kockázatos lett volna megölni egy ennyire tisztelt és szeretett validét, úgy, hogy korábban sosem végezték ki a dinasztia egyik nőtagját sem. Nem vall épelmére szánt szándékkal előrekitervelten, ilyen módon megölni Köszemet. Valószínűleg le akarták mondatni, Köszemnek azonban eddigre már nem volt vesztenivalója. Az egyetlen dolog, ami még éltette az a hatalom volt, így minden bizonnyal ellenkezett a kényszer visszavonulás gondolatától. Mikor Szulejmán Aga felismerte, hogy Köszem nem hallgat rájuk, talán félelemből úgy döntött meg kell őt ölniük. Hiszen ha a felbőszített Köszem kijutott volna a palotából Szulejmán és a többi eunuch azon nyomban fej nélkül találta volna magát. Bár nem utal rá bizonyíték, de személyes véleményem az, hogy Szulejmán talán az első perctől kezdve ezt akarta, hiszen tudta jól, hogy Köszem sosem fog visszavonulni. Akárhogyan is az eunuchok végül professzionálisnak egyáltalán nem mondható módon legyűrték az idős validét és kivégezték.

- Teljesen kizárható, hogy legális fetwa és kivégző osztag végzett Köszemmel? Sajnos ezt sem zárhatjuk ki. Az angol követ például arról számolt be, hogy kivégző osztag ölte meg Köszemet, az ifjú szultán által kért fetwa után, Mehmed szeme láttára. Igaz, hogy az angol követ nem a legjobban informáltak közé tartozott. Valószínű, hogy mindenki úgy hitte akkoriban, hogy a fetwa előre volt kiadva, csak később, a történészek kutatásai világítottak rá arra, hogy a fetwa feltehetőleg Köszem kivégzése után készült el. Azt pedig, hogy Köszemet a 10 éves Mehmed szeme láttára végezték volna ki, nem tartom valószínűnek. Turhan nagyon erősen igyekezett óvni fiát, nem valószínű, hogy kitette volna őt egy ilyen traumának. Mustafa Naima abban egyetért az angol követtel, hogy a kivégzés előre megtervezett volt, ám szerinte nem eunuchok, hanem kivégző osztag végzett a valide szultánával. Azonban akkor miért volt brutális a kivégzés? Miért nem volt selyemzsinór? Miért alkalmatlan eunuchok vitték véghez?

A gyilkosság utóhatása

Hogy megakadályozzanak bármiféle ellenállást, Turhan Hatice és emberei az éjszaka folyamán minden olyan államférfit eltávolítottak posztjáról, aki veszélyeztette volna őket. Az első ember, akit kineveztek akkor éjjel, az Ebu Said Efendi lett, az új Seyhülislam. Ő volt az, aki végül kiadta a fetwát Köszem kivégzésére (utólagosan). Ezekután Turhan megüzente az összes államférfinak és katonának, hogy azonnal menjenek audienciára, ahol hűséget fogadnak Mehmed szultánnak. A legtöbben félelemből vagy őszinte érzések által vezérelve, azonnal a szultán elé járultak, akik pedig nem, azokra az új Seyhülislám fetwat adott ki. Így vált jogszerűvé Köszem támogatóinak kivégzése is, hiszen ők sem jelentek meg a szultán előtt. A lázadó janicsárok pedig így árulóként lettek megbélyegezve és legálisan kivégezték őket. A nép szemében végül ők lettek bűnbaknak kikiáltva Köszem haláláért. Köszemet a gyilkosság után a Régi Palotába szállították, ahol előkészítették testét a temetésre. Birodalmi temetést kapott, Isztambul népe pedig önkéntesen 3 napos gyászt tartott, bezárva minden boltot és üzletet. Köszem mindig népszerű volt az emberek között, ám érdekes módon ugyanaz a nép, nem fordult Turhan ellen Köszem halála miatt, sőt, Turhan hasonlóan szeretett és tisztelt valide szultána lett, mint amilyen Köszem volt.

Mi történt a valódi bűnösökkel? Turhan és Mehmed természetesen megúszták, ugyanakkor kérdéses, hogy a gyilkosságban egyáltalán volt e részük. Igaz egy 1656-os lázadás komolyan megrengette hatalmukat, de végül nem veszítették el azt. A lázadásnak a legnagyobb oka a gyenge nagyvezírek, az újjáéledő Celali lázadás és a velenceiekkel vívott háború voltak. A körülmények miatt nem jutott elég gabona a fővárosba, a katonák nem kaptak rendesen fizetést, de az egyszerű emberek is egyre elégedetlenebbek voltak, különösen dühítette őket a szultánhoz közelállók extrém gazdagsága. Végül a janicsárok és szpáhik vezetésével a nép fellázadt 1656 március negyedikén. A lázadás során a szultánhoz közelállók közül többeket brutálisan kivégeztek, az egész fővárost feldúlták. A csőcselék Mehmed 31 közeli emberét a Kék Mecset mellett akasztotta fel egy egy fára. Köztük volt Meleki Hatun is, akit a szultán különösen szeretett. Bár korábban is rázták meg lázadások a fővárost, ehhez fogható még sosem történt. Nem csak a katonák lázadtak fel, a nép is egy emberként állt ki a katonák mellett és állt be mögéjük. Mindenki bezárta boltjait, általános sztrájk lépett érvénybe a lázadás idejére.

Szulejmán Aga már nem volt hatalmon amikor a lázadás megtörtént és talán ez tartotta helyén a fejét. Szulejmán Köszem meggyilkolása után a fő hárem eunuch lett, ám a pozíciót csupán 1652 júliusáig élvezhette. Szulejmán tovább nyújtózkodott, mint a takarója ért, olyan politikai témákba is igyekezett beleszólni, amihez semmi köze nem volt. Turhan Hatice is kezdte felismerni, hogy Szulejmán egyáltalán nem az ő oldalukon áll, hanem csak a saját magáén. Külön érdekesség, hogy az a Lala Ibrahim Aga győzte meg erről Turhant, aki maga is részt vett Köszem kivégzésében. Lala Ibrahim Aga Turhan személyes eunuchja volt és maga sosem vágyott (vagy bölcsen nem mutatta ki) ennél magasabb pozícióra. Turhan így végül 1652-ben megfosztotta pozíciójától Szulejmán Agát és száműzte Egyiptomba. A rafinált eunuch még a száműzetésben is feltalálta magát, befolyásos személlyé nőtte ki magát, aki Kairó helyi politikájának egyik főszereplője lett. 1676/7-ben halt meg.

Epilógus

Valószínűleg sosem fogjuk pontosan megtudni, hogy mi vezetett a kivégzéshez és hogyan zajlott az le. A poszttal nem is az volt a célom, hogy egy tökéletes megoldást mutassak be Hercule Poirot módjára, csupán szerettem volna rávilágítani arra, hogy az általánosan ismert és elfogadott teória, inkább megszokásból tekintendő a legáltalánosabban elfogadottnak, nem pedig alapossága miatt. Rengeteg a kérdőjel, kétes információ és helyzet a kivégzés körülményei között, ami egyértelműsíti, hogy ez az egész helyzet bonyolultabb volt annál, minthogy két nő harcot vívott a hárem feletti uralomért.

Köszem volt az a szultána, aki a legmagasabbra tört, aki sokáig lehetett a csúcson, azonban a nagy magasságból zuhant végül alá és vált az egyetlen meggyilkolt valide szultánává. Élete során több címet is kapott: Naib-i Sultanat (az Oszmán Birodalom régense), Umin al-Mu'minin (minden muszlimok anyja), Büyük Valide Sultan (nagy valide szultána), Valide-i Sehide (a mártír anya), Valide-i Maktule (a meggyilkolt anya), Valide-i Muazzama (a csodálatos anya).

Felhasznált források: M. Kocaaslan - IV. Mehmed Saltanatında Topkapı Sarayı Haremi: İktidar, Sınırlar ve Mimari; L. Peirce - The Imperial Harem; Ö. Kumrular - Kösem Sultan: iktidar, hırs, entrika; C. Finkel - Osman’s Dream: the History of the Ottoman Empire; M. P. Pedani - Relazioni inedite; N. Sakaoğlu - Bu Mülkün Kadın Sultanları; G. Börekçi - Factions and Favorites at the Courts of Sultan Ahmed I and His Immediate Predecessors; F. Davis - The Palace of Topkapi in Istanbul; Faroqhi - The Ottoman Empire and the World; C. Imber - The Ottoman Empire 1300-1650; F. Suraiya, K. Fleet - The Cambridge History of Turkey 1453-1603; F. Suraiya - The Cambridge History of Turkey, The Later Ottoman Empire, 1603–1839; Ö. Düzbakar - Charitable Women And Their Pious Foundations In The Ottoman; G. Junne - The black eunuchs of the Ottoman Empire, Networks of Power in the Court of the Sultan.

90 notes · View notes

vemuabhi · 3 years

Text

Disney Romance - Brave’s Blue - 200 followers special

@holykillercake swan!!! Sorry for the wait! Thankyou for requesting! You know how much I love Killer, This story took a while for me to get inspiration and actually write it, but here I am with this! Please don’t keep high expectations, I may not reach them.

Pairing : Killer X Princess! Reader

Word Count : 3.6K

Warnings : Nothing but Fluff, a long ass fic written by me!

A/N : Yes Its the Movie Brave! I hope you like it! Its lengthy but please give it a chance! Its the story of our favorite Pasta Boy!

“Princess Y/N, its an honor to meet you. I’m Jason, prince of Goustvania, I’ve heard so much about you and your Kingdom”, Jason said as he looked at you. You both were in your garden which had beautiful plants and flowers.

“Prince Jason, don’t get me wrong but, as this is a formal meeting for suitors, and I would like to keep it that way”, the way you said it, made Jason to gulp. He was not a potential suitor and he knows that. By pulling some strings he made it to the list. There are many princes who wanted to marry you.

You were not only beautiful but were also the princess of the wealthiest Kingdoms. Not even a single death due to starvation was recorded in your country. As marriages are a part of a treaty, if a person could marry you, you’d definitely share your riches to help.

“So, I’ve heard that, your country is really big and has the absolute weaponry with a very powerful army”, she looked at the prince who was scared to even speak to her. But he didn’t want to waste the opportunity.

Putting on his brave smile, he said, “My country is beautiful and definitely has the most powerful machinery”, proudly he ended, only for you to nod in return by taking the silver cup in front of you. It contained the finest tea, which was brewed from the leaves of Assam.

“Prince Jason, but my resources say that your country is in the verge of war with another 5 countries. And in your last war, even though you’ve won, you’ve lost many soldiers. Is it true that you’ve been requiting many soldiers to compensate the loss”, you took another sip of the tea as he gulped.

“I also heard that you’ve already been engaged to princess Lucy from the snow kingdom. I didn’t hear anything about breaking your marriage”, Jason had chills sent up and down his spine because of the questions you were asking. Not even his friends knew about the information of him getting engaged to princess Lucy.

“I suppose that even she doesn’t know that you are here. The partner that I’m choosing needs to be loyal. I’m sorry but you are no longer a suitor. I’ll make arrangements for you to leave this place within a day”, you bluntly said getting up.

“Oh no, Please listen to me. I’ll break the engagement as soon as possible. Just give me anoth-”

“Please don’t make me repeat myself. Ive already made up my mind”, you replied sternly and walked out of the garden without giving him another glance.

You felt your mood was ruined after meeting him. ‘How can people be so disloyal towards their partner?’, you thought as you entered your chambers. It had blue curtains, blue carpets, a big blue bed. Simply said, it was a pastel blue aesthetic with also a touch of white to it. You had twenty minutes time before you had your next job to check the travel and trade matters of the country. You removed your closet before you plopped on the bed and closed your eyes.

Blue always calmed you down. That’s the reason why you wanted your room to be with blue stuff. Blue reminded you of the sky. The peacefulness was what you required in your hectic life as a princess, who is taking care of the country. As the King was feeling sick, you took the job on yourself and took care of the country yourself from the past two years. You knew the kings, princes wanted to marry you because of your country. Everyone was selfish and had the same motive. You were sick of this. You mostly tried not to meet princes and tried to dismiss the proposals. You wanted a person, who could love you and be loyal to you. To love the country as you loved. Would respect your opinions as a queen.

Little did you know, Prince Jason wasn’t happy with your decision. As he went to the house of the witch of your Kingdom. He sat before her and asked her, “I need a potion. A potion which can make a person to change, to go feral, like an animal”, rubbing his hands nervously he looked at the witch.

She asked no questions, just stretched her hand forward. He placed a bag of silver coins in her hand. The old witch went to her cupboard and took out a very small bottle with olive green liquid.

“Mix it in her food and it’ll do its job”, she mumbled and Jason started to return to your castle.

But little did he know, every single potion had a reversing effect. This potion was asked with a person with full intent to destruction, anger, greed. A potion was available to reverse the spell.

“My lady, my lady”, you heard a voice calling you so you opened your eyes and looked at the person before you. It was your butler Heat. You woke up with a groan and asked him, “How long have I been sleeping?”

“It’s been 30 minutes my lady, you are getting late to check the Travel and trades of the country”, he said sternly. You grunted as you sat on the bed.

“My lady, that’s not how a princess should behave and Oh lord!”, he exclaimed looking at the corset on the floor and walked towards the door, “Please dress appropriately”, he closed the door behind him.

“Damn corset”, you cursed as you picked it up. Heat was your head butler and also very skilled fighter. He talked less and worked more, a reason why you chose him as your assistant. He gave wise suggestions and always respected you.

You wore your corset with the help of a maid and went to your office to work again.

Being a prince, Jason easily slipped with the maids into the Kitchen, and saw the tray of food, which was supposed to be given to you, just before Heat could enter the place, Jason added the portion into the tea cup.

Like every day, as you were doing the paper work and Heat placed the tray of food in front of you. You took the cup of tea and savoured the fragrance. Before sipping it, you asked Heat, “Why were you late by 10 minutes?! You know how much I am addicted to tea”, your glossy eyes conveyed how you felt.

“Prince Jason was talking to maids in the Kitchen, so there were a lot of maids slacking off and not doing their respective works”, he replied.

“Is that so, then get him out of the castle as soon as possible”, you ordered and he bowed.

“By the way, don’t even think of skipping the work. Last time I had to do your work because you sneaked out”

“Tsk, how rude!”, you said to yourself as he left. You drank your tea with so much happiness and continued to work. Suddenly, you felt pain in your chest. You placed your hands on your back in an attempt to remove the corset. But even after removing the corset, your pain still didn’t subside. You fell to your knees and panted for air as you closed your eyes. Then suddenly your pain stopped. You opened your eyes and your gaze landed on your hands. Your eyes opened wide.

‘What the hell?!’, You looked at your torso and you noticed that you were not… normal.. You took the fine silver plate with your claws and saw your reflection in it. You couldn’t believe your eyes. You turned into a bear now. ‘But why? How?’, your thoughts were stopped with a knock on the door. Indicating Heat will enter now.

You didn’t know what to do, so you opened the window and jumped down it. If Heat was to see you, he wouldn’t even spare a second glance and Kill you as you looked like a bear and search for you. You slowly climbed down and escaped into the forest by not being seen by any soldier. You ran in the forest quickly trying to process everything. ‘Why? How?’, your questions weren’t stopping in your head.

You stumbled because of a rock in your way and rolled down into the deeper part of the forest. There you tackled some people in your way. You couldn’t stop rolling till you got hit by a tree in front of you. Clenching the side of your head with your claws, you slowly got up. You stood on two of your legs and cursed, “Oh Davy Jones! What have I ever done?”.

“What the hell?!”, you looked to your side and saw that you crushed 4 people and you saw a guy with a mask, standing a few meters away from you.

“Tsk, I hope I didn’t kill them”, you said and again the Mask dude flinched. You both stared at each other for a while before he spoke, “How the hell can you talk?”

Your brain took a few moments to process and then you gasped. “I can talk!!! I didn’t think I could talk! Hey Mask man, can you help me”, you asked and walked towards him only for him to swiftly take his weapons out.

You took a step back and said, “No! Don’t harm me! You don’t know who I am!”, you said as your back hit the tree. You maintained eye contact with the mask and hid behind the tree.

The man was very confused at your actions. He was actually about to fight some people but you crushed them to death. So he owed you one. He asked, “You shouldn’t harm me”.

“I won’t! And you also, please… don’t hurt me”, after hearing your request, he hid his weapons and walked towards you as you also did the same.

“How can you talk?”, he asked again.

“Oh! I am actually not a bear. I am a human, but I don’t know why I became like this. Please help me. I wanna turn back”, you requested.

‘The only reason why I am decided to help is because this bear crushed these jerks. But what it is asking doesn’t make any sense. Its way too much work’, he thought and said, “Too much of trouble. Do it yourself”, with that he started to walk away.

“No! Wait!! Please help me. If I go to any other human, they’ll freak out and I’ll be Killed. I am a human for real. Don’t leave me. If you were turned into a bear, you’d want to be turned back. Please help me, I never begged anyone in my life like this. Please understand”, you said as you walked beside the masked man. ‘Tsk… this stupid bear is kinda right’, he thought and stopped in his tracks.

He huffed, “let’s sit and talk”, he said as he sat on a big root of a tree and you sat opposite to him.

“Tell me clearly. How did you turn into a bear? Did you drink any potion or anger any witch by doing or saying anything rude?”, he asked you and you shook your head no.

“I didn’t even go to any witch and didn’t take any potion”, you replied looking down. “I never thought I’d turn into a bear. I’ve always taken care of the people around me”.

The man before you sighed and said, “Don’t be disappointed just yet. How much time has it been? Since you turned into a Bear”. You looked at him and replied, “Its been 3 hours, if Im correct. I’ve been wandering in the forest from more than an hour, and it took me a while to escape from my house”.

He hummed as he nodded and again asked you, “You said that you didn’t anger any witch but did you anger anyone in particular?”, he asked. You thought for a while and Jason’s image popped into your head.

“I… I rejected a proposal to get married and… the person was really mad at that”, you admitted.

“Did you eat anything, that person gave you?”, he questioned

“But after I rejected, I didn’t even meet that person again. I only got on with my daily tasks”.

“It doesn’t have to be given. Must’ve slipped something in your food”, the masked dude said and got up. He continued, “Let’s go, you must be hungry, Wandering the Jungle all by yourself”

You looked at him with a bit suspicion. ‘What if he kills me and sells my skin or make me a coat for himself’, negative thoughts started to run in your mind and he noticed how you were hesitating.

“Look, I have enough food thanks to the Princess. I don’t have any reason to kill you”, as he said it making your heart skip a beat.

“Okay…”, you mumbled and walked behind him to a small hut, which was inside the forest. Hiding from all the other villages. Apparently, he was a poor armorer, weapons specialist and also a former bandit. So, he didn’t want to be mingled with the villagers. He maintained few connections with some people who wanted customised weapons. Entering into his hut, you were mesmerised by the wide range of weaponry.

“Woah! You seem very talented, why don’t you work for the Princess? I’m sure she would love all your creations”, you said as the man washed vegetables and fruits for dinner.

“No way. It’s the palace. I’m sure there are so many people working for Princess anyway. Also… I’m a former bandit”, he confessed. ‘Why would a princess want a person like me in her castle working for her? I’d scare her’, he thought.

“Tsk… your talent is going waste. You would be really helpful to the army, they have been in need for weaponry and there might be a conflict with another country soon”, you replied as you took the apple and gobbled it in one bite. You were really hungry and were thankful for the food.

“Why are you speaking like you know all the things about the Kingdom?”, those words made you to choke.

“Rumours”, you lied as you drank the water from the jug leaving your claw marks on it.

“I’m sure the Princess will manage those problems in a blink of an eye”, he replied.

“Why are you so sure?”, you enquired only for him to sigh and lean back on the wall.

“Because she made the country enrich and developed the poor villages. Now people atleast can eat twice a day due to her. I became a bandit only because I had no food. But since I get food, I left that. But still some people are angry at me because of my deeds of the past”,”.

“Oh!! We have a fanboy here”, you teased him only him to trying to deny it. Even his neck was turning red because of your teasing.

“Did you see her?”, he replied by shaking his head no.

The next day you he wasn’t in the hut when you woke up. You started to search for him. Then you found him coming back.

“Welcome back! Where did you go?”, you enquired him as you looked at his mask. He noticed that you were walking on your fours this time. But the way you came towards him and greeted him, made his heart warm. He had never experienced such treatment.

“I met a customer to give his order to him. I also asked him about any witches he knew in the area”, he said and your eyes lit up with hope.

“I also met the witch and asked her about this condition, she said its cure able”, he ended and you cheered with happiness and rolled on the grass.

“YAY!!! Will she help? What should be done?”, you rolled again only for him to slip out a chuckle and stop it quickly. He himself was shocked at how you could make his sealed lips to talk more and also to let out a chuckle.

“She asked me to create something for her and in return she’ll give me the potion if she likes what I make for her”, he confessed. Guilt started to form in your heart. About how he had to work for her, to save you.

“I now need to think what she would like”, he said with relief in his voice and walked towards the hut.

After a lot of designs and dissatisfactions, you both started to eat. He cut his vegetables separately to eat them through his mask while you just ate them… well like a bear. Then you got an idea. Even if she was a witch, she was a girl after all.

“What if… you give her a blade, which can be hidden in her skirt?”, you managed to speak. You both noticed that your voice was getting hoarser than it was.

“I need to work quickly. I can’t fail you now. I guess the time is running out”, he sighed and added, “You are walking on your fours too”.

With in an hour the design was ready and the mask man started to create the new weapon for the witch. You went out and played with the butterflies as he made it.

After another hour with the beautiful blade, he stepped out of the place and waved you bye. You managed and said, “Thank… you”.

Now his time was slipping out and he had to be quick. He handed the weapon to the witch and she analysed it for a while and nodded her head as an approval with a satisfied smile. The masked man sighed in relief and took the blue potion which was in a small container. He quickly headed towards the hut in the forest. He had to save you as soon as possible.

By the time he reached home, he noticed that the hut was almost destroyed from the inside with many claw marks and the weapons were thrown everywhere. You were still in the house, emerging from the darkness. It was already evening and the sun was setting. He saw how your eyes seemed nothing like before. They were just like a wild animal. Before he could even think, you punched his face so hard that he flew and hit the wall. His mask broke into pieces because of the force.

Not giving up, he jumped on you and held your face tightly as he wrapped his legs on your waist. Your claws on his body hurt so much. Blood was dripping but he stayed like that. Trying to calm you down and call you.

“LISTEN TO ME! I KNOW YOU ARE STILL IN THERE! I GOT YOU POTION”, he screamed on the top of his lungs, as you tried to throw him away. But at last, you looked into his eyes. He had light blue eyes. Blue, was your colour. Looking into his eyes, you calmed down and stopped struggling. He took out the small container and opened the lid. He slid it into your mouth and patted your head. Soothing you down.

Slowly you could feel the change. The pain was inevitable. But you kept looking at those blue eyes of the man in front of you. That kept you sane and you closed your eyes and fell down on your knees. You opened your eyes, panting for air. You noticed that your hands were back to normal as well as your torso. Suddenly you felt a blanket over your shoulders. You looked up and saw the man with cheeks redder than any tomato you’ve ever seen. Your senses slowly got to you and that was when you noticed that you were… not dressed.

Pulling the covers even closer to you, he stepped away and walked towards the other room. He swiftly came back and handed clothes to you and without looking back he walked towards the main door and closed it.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were… a lady?” he asked.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were really handsome?”, you replied making him blush even more as you wore his clothes.

He wore a mask and agreed to walk you home. You apologised for messing his apartment. After you reaching your castle, he was absolutely stunned just as the guards at the entrance. He tried to leave but, you didn’t let him go. “Work for me, its an order”, you announced and walked with him still his hand in yours.

Heat was absolutely pissed at your behaviour and was surprised to look at the man beside you. “Who is this?”, Heat asked and you replied, “He is going to be our new armorer, I hired him and I want no objections from you”

“No objections huh? You leave the palace, dump your paper works on me, come back with a masked dude and demand no objections? Tell me what’s his name and where you met him?”, Heat inquired making you gulp. You turned towards him and asked, “What’s your name?”

“Killer”, he chuckled.

“Killer, I met Killer in the forest”, you said proudly to Heat as he shook his head and mumbled, “Unacceptable”. As for Jason, he thought he was scammed and never came across you ever again.

One Year Later

As you handled your paper work Killer stayed in your room to keep an eye on you. His work was exceptional and helped the soldiers to get good results in their weapon wielding. You glanced at Killer and said, “Killer why don’t we get married?”, almost giving the poor man a heart attack.

You knew he was turning into a tomato under his mask. “Killer, we have been dating since a year. Lets get married”, you said as you stood up from your place.

“Yes! Yes Lets get married”, he replied as he fiddled with his hands, head facing down. You placed a hand on his mask and removed it. Pulling him down you captured his lips with yours in a Kiss and smirked at your success. Now you were really marrying a person, who was kind, who was selfless, respected you, was loyal and also loved you to death.

XOXOXOXO

Like/Vote, Reblog/Share and comment your feelings!

Follow for more sappy content!

#one piece #one piece x reader #one piece x you #one piece x y/n #killer #killer one piece #one piece killer #massacre soldier killer #op killer #kid pirates #kid pirates x reader #the kid pirates #massacre soldier killer x reader #killer x reader #one piece killer x reader

87 notes · View notes

aperrywilliams · 4 years

Text

I don’t know you anymore/Part I (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

(Not my gif!)

Masterlist

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V

———————

Summary: Reader has to do something before her relationship with Spencer get worse.

Word Count: 1850.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences. Angst.

Warnings: References to discussions, sex, sadness, low self esteem. If you are or were in a relationship with this kind of thing, please be careful.

A/N: The idea came from a Savage Garden song titled "I don't know you anymore". For now this fic will be oneshot, but I'm willing to do more parts if you think the story deserves development and perhaps a better ending for fem!reader and Spencer.

——————–

With my clothes packed in a suitcase I left it at the side of the apartment entrance. I decided to wait for Spencer sitting on the couch. It was already night and I knew he would come home soon. He had traveled two days ago for a case to Wisconsin. The morning he left to that trip was our last argument.

Don't get me wrong, when we started our relationship two years ago, we rarely argued. We were always glad to be people who settled their differences by talking and being peaceful. But in the last three months things had taken a turn with which none was comfortable. I knew it and so did he. But neither of us wanted to assume perhaps everything was already lost between us and it was time to step aside and end the relationship.

What changed?. I tried to answer that question many times through those past three months. Natural exhaustion of the relationship? Maybe. His demanding job? Probably. My need to control the uncontrollable? Much of that too. Spencer's desire to "fix" things that can't be fixed? Of course, that is in his nature. My wish that things were as they always were and not accept people can change? Definitely yes.

After a lot thought, I came to the conclusion that after his prison time, he and I began to see life in differently way. And I swear I understand him so much. I swear to understand this type of situation can change people tremendously. No, I have not experienced it. But he did it and I could see the changes on him. He became a man who suspicious on everything and everyone, taciturn, silent, even more immersed in his job than before. I'm not saying that he has stopped loving me one day to another, but I do believe our priorities changed drastically, and therefore our relationship. No, he didn't become violent in a toxic way. I could never say that about Spencer Reid, although sometimes I felt like if I was the worst thing in the world thanks to his words. And is that his excess of sincerity many times collided with my hypersensitivity. I do not blame him. But it wasn't my fault either. So... what we could do about it?

So ours discussions started. The first few times were brief, quickly ending with a "sorry" escaped from our mouths. We recognized maybe the other could be having a difficult time and it was not fair to "expand" something for didn’t worth an argument. Then they turned into longer discussions, ending with one of us locked in the bedroom and the other trying to "reason", sometimes successfully, sometimes sleeping apart, but fixing things the next morning . The most severe ones were those in which no one of us was able to say "I'm sorry" and where saying "I love you" was almost a protocol to finish arguing, but without getting anywhere. Sometimes we replaced "sorry" with rough sex so in that way we could discharge our own anger and annoyance, demonstrating to the other that despite everything we needed each other. Even if it was just in a bodily way

The extreme arguments ended with Spencer traveling for a case and not talking for days. And so it was last month: the trips were more frequent and longer. Almost without telephone calls and only a few text messages. Under that scenario, I decided it was time to do something about it. I didn't want to know how far we could go if neither of us did anything to end this escalation.

I felt his footsteps in the hallway and the turning of the key on the doorknob. I was still sitting on the couch, looking out the window. In silent. The room only illuminated by the lamp on over the coffee table.

"(Y/N)?..." was the first thing he asked after closing the door and realizing I was on the couch. He left his bag hanging on the rack, as well as his blazer.

"Hello Spencer" I replied. In the calmest voice I could, though I was breaking me inside without even saying a word. I couldn't tell if he already knew what would happen until that minute, but I think if he didn't already know, he could have guessed when he saw my suitcase next to the door. This was how he slowly approached me, looking at me standing with his hands in his pockets at a safe distance.

"What is your suitcase doing at the entrance...?" he asked cautiously, almost out of courtesy I thought.

"I think you know what my suitcase does there..." I said dryly. It was evident he had already noticed it, but he surely wanted to start by pretending that nothing happened.

"Can we talk about this?... you're rushing things ". He came over and sat on the couch next to me.

"Yes. We can talk. That’s why I decided to wait for you. I wasn't going to leave without giving you an explanation”. It was true. Despite everything, we deserved a goodbye face to face. I wasn't going to leave him a letter to avoid looking him in the eye for the last time, although I knew that would completely break me. It was fair for both of us.

"You don't have to leave. We can fix this, seriously. Please, let's talk, leaving me is not going to be the solution to our problems” he said, trying to dissuade me. Surely he thought was not a conclusive decision. Sure he thought I was pressuring him with my "supposed" departure to ask me for forgiveness.

"And what is the solution to our problems? Do you really know?". I don't know if I expected an answer to that, but I felt like I should ask anyway.

"To try. That is what we must do. We deserve a chance” he said taking my hands. I had to muster the courage not to push him away and try to stop shaking.

"How many chances Spencer? ... Can't you see this is hurting us?" . A sob tore from my throat. I could not avoid it. I could see how he bit his lower lip trying to stop the tears that also came out of his eyes.

"The necessary... we need to try the necessary. We can't throw away all this time we've been together… where we've been happy, haven't you been happy with me (Y/N)?”. One of his hands began to caress my cheek. It was more tact than I could tolerate on his part without me falling apart right there. I gently removed his hand from my cheek.

“Of course I do. I have been happy with you Spencer. And I'm not throwing this overboard. That is my reason precisely: if we continue with this it'll end up killing any good memory we have about our relationship, don't you see that it is not possible to fix what is already broken? You don't trust me anymore, and I feel like I don't know you anymore… you are someone else, you want other things… ”. I could see how Spencer froze upon hearing my words. He doubted what was going to say to me, he opened his mouth many times without words could come out. Until they did.

“Is this how you want to end it? Giving up?” He said getting up from the couch and returning to his place leaning against one of the walls with his hands in his pockets.

"If you call 'giving up' stepping aside from this for the well being of both... then yes, I’m giving up...". I managed to say before beginning to cry openly.

“Please (Y/N), let's try it one more time. I love you, don't you love me?...”. He pulled his hands out of his pockets but was unable to get close to me. I tried my best to calm down before speaking again.

"Spencer, I love you with all my heart. I love you so much that it hurts. It hurts me not to recognize you, and it hurts me not to recognize myself. And what hurts me the most is not living up to what really you need. Not be the woman your deserve Spencer”. Until I finally said it. What I tried to show him all these months I was finally telling him.

"But what are you saying? How is it you're not enough to me?... Where did you get that...?". He looked at me in a daze. Perhaps it was the only thing he not expected from my speech.

“Look at us now. Tell me, what can I offer your life? What special thing can I give you?. A genius, an FBI agent who saves people lives from the worst tortures in the world , who has gone through so much in these years. You are a person who live and breathe for the job you do, passionate about knowledge, who could have any beauty and intelligent woman at his feet, who could live without having to stop in life routine with someone who does not understand your world... who doesn't accept you like you are…". I couldn't continue talking. I sincerely hoped he would understand. He walked over and sat across from me at the coffee table, taking my hands again trying I could look at him.

"It's not true what you're saying (Y/N)... you can't really think that..." But yeah, I thought about it. And I was sure I was right and he knew it . I was just a stone in his shoe. I was not allowing him to move forward. He deserved more than I could offer him. That was the sad truth.

"You know it's true Spencer. This has been the reason for our estrangement all along. I will never really understand what you do or help you get what you need in life. I'm holding you back and that's what I least want in the world, precisely because I love you. You deserve more than I can give you". And that's it. It was done, I said what I really felt and it was time to act. I got up from the couch. Without saying anything, he got up from the coffee table too. I looked him in the eyes, just like me, tears fell from them. With the last strength I had, I wiped the tears from his cheeks with my thumbs. I walked over and gave him the last kiss. I wanted my last memory to be the softness of his lips in contact with mine. He tried to deepen the kiss, as if he wanted to hold me back. I pulled away. He tried to speak.

"(Y/N)..." was the only thing that came out of his mouth. I'm sure he was taking in my words and looking for meaning on them.

“Goodbye Spencer”. I looked away from him face. I walked to the entrance, took my suitcase and left the apartment, not wanting to look back. My life with Spencer Reid was over in that moment.

——————–

Remember: Let me know if you think the story deserves development and perhaps a better ending for fem!reader and Spencer.

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem!reader #criminal minds

319 notes · View notes

hangrypa · 3 years

Text

s/p first year as a PA

I was hired as a hospitalist primarily for the transplant service. However, in the setting of the pandemic and staffing shortages, I am all over the place now and work in almost everything non-pediatric and non-surgical.

In my first few months as a PA, I was incredibly overwhelmed. I went from being a learner who switches specialties every month to a fully-fledged provider making life-or-death decisions on an hourly basis. Oftentimes I’d find myself in the room of a patient actively crumping, surrounded by the patient’s family and multiple nurses awaiting instructions on what to do to save the patient. I thought that I faced a lot of pressure in school, but it was nothing compared to this.

And just when I started to get a hang of it all, the pandemic hit. What a nightmare. As mentioned above, I was hired to work with with transplant patients. Prior to the pandemic, my transplant colleagues and I were masking and gowning for almost every patient: 1 surgical mask and 1 gown per patient and per patient encounter. But once COVID hit, we were rationing PPE. 1 N95, 1 pair of goggles, and 1 face shield for the pandemic. 1 surgical mask per week, and 1 gown only if a patient had Cdiff or a history of MDRO bacteremia.

What did the pandemic mean for our transplant patients?

Our patients are on immunosuppressant medications to prevent transplant rejection. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for them to fight infections.

Our department did what it could to prevent COVID. We'd test patients on admission for COVID, regardless of symptoms or exposure history. If they were positive, they went to the COVID team and quarantined on their unit for a period of time and had to test negative before returning to our unit and being transplanted. We took many other measures to reduce COVID risk to the best of our ability.

People still died. To see someone get transplanted successfully and then die of a virus is horrifying. Unfortunately, despite our admission tests, sometimes patients contracted COVID within the hospital. Patients would be happily FaceTiming their family one moment, telling them all of their plans for once they were discharged- then the next day they'd be intubated. We tried Remdesivir, Dexamethasone, prone positioning, etc. But the virus moved through them quickly, and these efforts often were too late. No amount of hoping and praying brought them back.

As a first year PA, I learned to go to an empty conference room, close the door, and remove my mask before calling to the family of the deceased. This way, as they gathered around the phone in their homes, the family could hear me unmuffled as I delivered the news. Also, this way my tears didn't ruin my mask for the rest of the week.

I learned a lot this year. It's been a mixture of crying and laughing. There are times that I question why I ever became a PA, and then there are times when this career feels like home. In addition to transplant, I’ve also been working in the ED, IMC, ICU, inpatient hospice, clinic, and infusion center these past 6 months. I’ve learned quite a lot along the way.

Lessons learned as a first year PA:

1. Check your pager hourly: This is in addition to checking it whenever you get paged. Sometimes I��ll get paged while I’m rounding, read it, and then forget about it. Now I go through my pager at every hour to ensure that I already responded to all my pages and then answer ones that I missed/forgot. On a semi-related note, a while back I wrote about good paging etiquette.

2. Let people know when you're out: I work a rotating schedule. As a result, it’s hard to predict when I’m in or out of the hospital. Sometimes I’ll come back on service and find urgent emails or texts that are a few days old. Now I leave an away message with my return date and my supervisor’s contact information on both email and hospital text. If someone really needs to get a hold of me, my supervisor has my personal cell phone number.

3. Be conscientious of what time you consult: I generally try to get all of my nonurgent consults done before 3pm. Many services have only 1 resident covering after 3pm, so I try not to page/call unless I have an emergency.

4. Call the nurse if something needs to be done urgently: Being a nurse means being the ultimate multitasker. Room 5 is due for his IV Amphotericin, Room 2's Foley is supposed to come out prior to void trial with Urology, Room 1's infusion completed and is beeping, and Room 4 is a bit altered and yanked out her PICC. Now I’m placing an order for Room 3 to get IV Lasix due to concern for pulmonary edema. However, the nurse may be preoccupied with Room 4 and not see the order in the computer for some time. If I really need to the patient to get the Lasix right way, I’ll place the order through EMR and then call the nurse and see what their situation is. If they’re crazy busy with Room 4 and likely to be unable to get to the Lasix within the next 15min, I ask whether they’re okay with me asking another nurse to give the Lasix now. Usually the answer is yes.

5. Value your nurses: Nurses know the patient best. They’re the ones answering call bells, giving meds, doing dressing changes, etc. Unfortunately they oftentimes bear the brunt of everyone’s frustrations, from patients to patients’ families to attendings to managers. Not to mention, they’re the ones doing the dirty work. Bedside nurses are the heartbeat of healthcare, but they also are high risk for burnout. Always support your nurses, whether that’s volunteering to answer a patient’s family member’s 17th phone call of the day or responding to a patient’s call bell yourself.

6. Know how to get a hold of someone quickly: It’s less than ideal to page someone repeatedly. At my hospital, if I need to talk to an attending urgently, I call the operator and ask them to connect me directly to the attending’s cell phone. If a patient is crashing and we’re not in the ICU, I dial the emergency number and call a rapid response, which sends people running into my patient’s room.

7. Plan your discharge meds from Day 1: The goal of every admission is to treat the patient and then discharge them safely. Send medications early for prior auth and call the pharmacy to make sure that they have medications in stock. (One time a patient’s insurance didn’t cover Levofloxacin, of all things.)

8. Keep social work and care coordination aware of all needs from the start: Does your patient looks unsteady? Place a PT/OT consult and let social work and care coordination know that the patient might require home therapy services and/or DME so that they can start looking at services and companies that may be covered by insurance. Does your patient have a central line? They’ll likely need a home health service to teach them how to care for it daily at home. Do they seem to require frequent transfusions? They’ll probably need labs on discharge. Is the patient’s living situation safe (no heat/AC, possible abuse at home, financial difficulties, etc)? They may need alternative housing.

9. The attending is not always right: Generally speaking, the attending has the last say on how the team manages a patient. However, I’ve come across situations in which an attending’s decision put a patient in more danger. Sometimes asking them about their decision can help steer the care plan toward better patient care. Other times you just have to stand your ground and be okay with being on the receiving end of an attending’s misdirected rant. Report these instances to your manager and to other higher-ups.

10. Always have gloves in your pocket: You never know when you’ll find a mess. Or which part of the body someone asks you to examine. Or how hygienic a person is (or is not).

11. Verify weird vitals: I was very new when I walked into work, opened a patient’s chart, and promptly bolted down the hallway when I saw a patient’s O2 sats recorded as 15-20s. I found the patient sitting up in bed, eating breakfast, and bewildered by me bursting into the room. Turns out that overnight someone mistakenly recorded his respirations as the O2 sats.

12. Remove whatever tubes you can: Anything entering the body is an infection risk. Does your patient still need that Foley placed by the surgery team? No? Yank it (don’t actually yank because ouch). Is your patient A&O and able to eat without aspirating? Remove the NG tube. Does your patient have good veins and require infrequent transfusions/labwork? Pull their central line.

13. Take a buddy with you to emergencies: Two heads are better than one. Even if you’re a seasoned provider and well-equipped to manage an emergency, you might need another body to help with performing CPR, making urgent calls, grabbing supplies, etc.

14. Ask your patients about premeds for procedures: We all have different levels of pain tolerance. A procedure goes far more smoothly if your patient is comfortable. Note: if you’re going to premed with Ativan or an opiate in the outpatient setting, make sure they have a driver.

15. Be good to your charge nurse and unit secretary: I don’t know how they do it. If I had to manage the unit’s signout, patient complaints, calls from other floor, being yelled at by providers, verifying paper orders, and finding beds for incoming patients- all at the same time - I’d lose my mind.

16. If your patient is mad, just shut up and listen: There are many things that you can’t control: the time it takes for a patient to get a room, the temperature of hospital food, the dismissive attitude of your attending, etc. And oftentimes the patient knows this. My reflex is to want to apologize for things and overexplain why different things are happening. But sometimes the patient just needs to rant. Take a step back and just listen. That can make all the difference.

17. Fact check your notes: The framework for your progress note often is the note from the day prior. It sounds obvious, but make sure that you go through the note and make updates and changes accordingly. If today is 01/15, there’s a good chance that the Fungitell from 12/31 is not still pending.

18. Try to learn some nursing skills: This is one of the areas in which I most envy my NP colleagues. If a patient’s IV pump is beeping or their central line need to be flushed, I oftentimes awkwardly step out of the room and look vacantly into the distance for a nurse. I’ve finally figured out how to spike a bag (albeit I do so very slowly, and it certainly makes the RNs giggle some). I talked to our unit’s nurse manager, and she’s willing for me to learn some nursing skills from the staff during a slow day- we’ll see when thing slow down!

19. Be kind: Generally speaking, being in a hospital is stressful. Patients are feeling out of sorts, and staff are working with constant dinging in the background. I rant plenty on this website, but I’m kind to everyone at work (with few exceptions) because it makes things more comfortable for everyone. Additionally, if you are always kind to your patients and colleagues, your reputation will speak for itself. One time I was walking down a hall with poor reception while on my ASCOM with a notoriously standoffish nurse from another unit. My phone cut out. She called my unit’s nurse manager to complain, and the nurse manager told her that I would never hang up on purpose. My interactions with the nurse going forward were always more pleasant in nature.

20. Support your team: The best colleagues are not the smartest colleagues; the best coworkers are the ones who have your back. Whether it’s a medical emergency or just a strange situation, it’s important to be supported and to give support.

I know that I’ve learned a lot more than this, so I’ll likely be adding to this throughout the year. Happy Snow Day, all!

#hangrypa #PAblr #physician assistant #PA-C #PA

25 notes · View notes

theheartsmistakes · 3 years

Text

The Last Night Part XX

A/N’s at the end:

Parts I-XIX:

Here is Part I

Here is Part II

Here is Part III

Here is Part IV

Here is Part V

Here is Part VI

Here is Part VII

Here is Part VIII

Here is Part IX

Here is Part X

Here is Part XI

Here is Part XII

Part XIII

Part XIV

Part XV

Part XVI

Part XVII

Part XVIII

Part XIX

.XX.

Lucie was already awake when the knock came at her door. She’d been up with the sun writing a letter to Grace for her next available time to meet so that they could continue with their plan to resurrect Jesse without having to sacrifice a life. She’d been up half of the night with ghastly dreams of herself holding a knife to the neck of someone she loves. When it came down to it, even in her wildest imagination, she couldn’t bring herself to do it; not even to a stranger. When it seemed sleep would allude her, she did what she’d always do when reality came to be too much. She sat at her small writing desk pressed underneath the window so she could see the moon and the stars once the clouds had broken away enough. She started a new story. Disappearing into a different reality with new, but familiar people, and stayed with them until dawn. In her alternative universe, there was no mention of demon attacks, murder rates, or pretentious leaders. Instead, they flowered with friendships and love pursued, sustained, or left in need of resuscitation. The pages smelt soft as if sprinkled with powder. She wrote until her wrist ached and her fingers locked and she was forced to rest.

Lucie had just finished buttoning the pearl buttons down the front of her dress when a small knock came at her door. She picked up her gloves and companion hat and glanced once at the drying pages on her desk.

Her hands were stained with black ink that even the fiercest scrubbing wouldn’t remove. Her once clean and neatly trimmed nail beds were all colored with ink. When she woke this morning, she found a mark on her chin, across her forehead, and even some on her bottom lip. Luckily, those came off with a bit of soap and warm water. She recalled the hands of a painter that once did a portrait for the Institute. Not only his hands were riddled with color, but his clothes and his traveling bag as well. An artist doesn’t need to speak or show off their work to be known as an artist. An artist wears their work wherever they go.

She smiled to herself as she opened the door to find their butler with a letter sitting on a silver tray.

“The post arrived,” he said and lowered the tray for Lucie. “Breakfast shall be ready shortly. Are you in need of any assistance this morning.”

As soon as she saw the neat, elegant gold lettering of her name on the smooth parchment, Lucie nearly leaped onto the letter.

“No, thank you,” she fumbled. “That will be all.” And shut the door with her foot.

Without a letter opener close by, she used her finger to slide underneath the wax seal and pulled out the letter, tossing the envelope aside as she unfolded the paper.

Dear Lucie,

I am writing to request your assistance with some correspondence letters I have been needlessly putting off for the last month. If you find yourself with some time today, would you be so kind as to come by the house at any time after noon. The back door will be open. You can see yourself in.

Best,

Aunt Cecily

Clever girl, thought Lucie. Pretending to be her Aunt as to not give away their agenda. Perhaps she did not give Grace the full credit she deserved.

She folded the letter into a small rectangle and stuffed into the bodice of her dress. As she turned to leave, her gloves slipped from her hands and her mouth dropped.

Jesse leaned against the door. With his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes held her face with a rage that rivaled even her own anger.

“And what is it that you want?” She asked with a slight break in her voice.

Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not going.”

Lucie scoffed. “And are you going to be the one who stops me?”

“Yes,” he growled.

“Is this how it’s to be?” She brushed a curl away from her face. “I do something you don’t particularly agree with and you suddenly become my own personal poltergeist?”

“When you’ve left me no other choice,” he said. “I’m trying to leave you alone. I realize I made a mistake by taking advantage of your ability to see me. I’ll never forgive myself for giving into the selfish ideology that after so many years alone, I finally had someone to talk to, that it never occurred to me the wild, beautiful girl would try to resurrect my lifeless corpse.”

“A terrible mistake on your part,” said Lucie, picking up her gloves from the floor.

Jesse stepped away from the door. “I tried staying away from you, but that clearly hasn’t worked. You’ve just managed to get yourself into even more trouble.”

“I need you to move,” said Lucie.

“Lucie, you cannot go there. It’s dangerous. Whatever you’re thinking, whatever they’re planning, it will not bring me back. Not as I was and not as I am now.” He reached for her, but his hands stopped in the air, as if he suddenly thought better of it. His expression softened. “In truth, this is something that I never wanted to confess to you, I’d hoped that you’d simply just let me go. But I realize how important it is now. Lucie, the way you think you feel about me, I don’t feel that way about you.”

Lucie rocked back on her heels just a bit. “And how is it you think I feel about you?”

“An infatuation,” said Jesse. “I’ve let it go on because there’s not many people to talk to when no one can see you. I’ve been alone for so long, quietly observing everything, but never able to engage. And then one day, I heard a girl’s voice in the forest, calling for help and I felt this pull to answer her. A pull that I couldn’t ignore. I never expected you to be able to see me— much less communicate with me, but you could. And it felt like dry land after months at sea. I’ve been using you, Lucie. Selfishly using you, because I couldn’t stand to be alone any longer.”

Lucie’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t believe you. You’re just saying these things so I won’t go.”

“It’s true,” said Jesse. “Lucie, you’ve been a great friend, but bringing me back to life won’t make us more than that.”

He didn’t mean it. He couldn’t mean it. He was just trying to push her away; protect her. But the doubt crept in all the same. He never once insinuated that their relationship was anything more than a strange friendship. If he were all she had to talk to in the world, she felt she would have clung to him, if only not to be alone.

Warmth spread across her cheeks. She had to look away from him. She needed to leave. “Please move,” said Lucie quietly.

“Are you still—“

“Move,” she said again and his form brushed aside as if shoved by the wind. Jesse stumbled for a moment, while he gained his bearings again, Lucie pulled open the door and left.

Tears threatened to spill down her cheeks, but she managed to hold them back. If this was his truth, it was best she knew. Still, the anger boiled inside of her until she almost turned around twice to tell him that she wasn’t bringing him back so they could ride off into the sunset together. She was giving him his life back because he didn’t deserve to die when he did. The way he did. He deserved to live and if she could give that to him, with nothing in return, then that would make her happy.

But if that wasn’t what he wanted, then perhaps it wasn’t her place to force it upon him.

She ran past the empty drawing room and turned the corner to descend the hallway to the dining room when she stopped.

Standing outside the door, pacing like a nervous jungle cat in a cage, was Cordelia. As Lucie approached, it seemed she was speaking in an entirely different language to herself, muttering to hands without noticing Lucie’s approach until she stood right behind her.

“Oh!” Cordelia stumbled back, clutching her chest. “Lucie, I didn’t hear you.”

Lucie appraised Cordelia, her hair was pulled back and braided into a coronet that ran into a braid down her shoulder. Her dress was a soft honey color that swooped across her chest exposing her delicate collarbone. The intricate beading had spots missing, but Lucie could still tell it was one of Cordelia’s most treasured items, if only because she’d never seen her wear it before.

“You look lovely,” said Lucie, running her fingers over the soft silk of the skirt that held Cordelia’s curve closely.

“Do I?” Cordelia blanched. “I supposed I’m trying to make a bit of an impression today.”

Lucie looked around the empty hallway. “On whom?”

Cordelia blushed. “It’s a bit of a long story, and I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable by telling you this information, but James and I may have kissed last night.”

Lucie’s eyebrow jumped and her traitorous heart ached. “May have?”

Cordelia grinned down at her distressed leather boots. “All right, we did. But before we could discuss it, my brother walked out and said all of these awful things to him. I haven’t been able to talk to him yet. I feel terrible.”

“Is that why dinner was so awkward last night?” asked Lucie, recalling the silent meal that passed between everyone except for the adults who kept attempting to make conversation, but couldn’t manage to get more than a few words out of the young adults sitting at the end of the table. No one would make eye contact and Cordelia just pushed the vegetables around her shepherds pie. Lucie had just assumed it was because she didn’t like shepherds pie. “Is James in there now?”

Cordelia shook her head. “My brother is sitting in there alone. A ploy to be sure James and I aren’t alone together. I was hoping to catch James before he came to breakfast, but I haven’t seen him come down. Oh, do you think he’s avoiding me?”

“No,” Lucie assured her. “He’s probably dressing as we speak and taking just as much care as you have.”

“Is it too obvious?”

“No, just the right amount of obvious,” said Lucie. “Sometimes I think my dear brother needs a brilliantly lit beacon for a sign and even then it might wallop him over the head before he saw it. Why don’t you go find him now and I’ll distract Alastair?”

“Because I can’t risk someone seeing me go into his room alone and I can’t very well speak to him freely in the open hallway,” said Cordelia, burying her face in her gloved hands. “I was hoping to catch him before breakfast and ask him for a morning walk. I don’t know what to do, Lucie, I’ve never been in this sort of situation before. And now I have Alastair hovering around me like a judgmental headmistress at a convent.”

“Have you a lot of experience at convents?” teased Lucie.

“You know what I mean,” said Cordelia.

Lucie smiled and patted her dear friend between the shoulders. “I do. Now, here’s what we’re going to do—“

Before she could give Cordelia her plan, James ran into the hallway. His hair stood up from sleeping on it wet and his gear was buckled incorrectly as if he’d done it in a hurry and without glancing in a mirror. Lucie couldn’t help but roll her eyes. She looked over at Cordelia who was beaming as if a witchlight had been stuffed inside of her.

“The post arrived—“ James started but was quickly shushed by a gloved hand over his mouth.

Cordelia lunged at him. “Shhh… we must be quiet. Alastair is there.”

James stiffened. “Good. I mean to speak to him.”

“That’s a terrible idea,” said Lucie, blocking the door. “I think the two of you have more to speak about than you and Alastair. Besides, it’s barely nine in the morning. That’s far too early for blood shed.”

James took Cordelia’s hand as if in some sort of act of defiance. “I am not going to sneak around your brother. I’m not going to sneak around anyone. We’ve spent far too much time in secret, I won’t do it anymore.”

Cordelia seemed to melt into herself as she leaned towards James.

Lucie snapped her fingers between them. “That’s wonderful, but now is not the time. What was in the post?”

James tore his eyes away from Cordelia to look back at his sister. He looked at her with a confused expression as if he had no idea what she was talking about.

“The post,” Lucie demanded. “You said the post arrived. What was in the post?”

“Right,” he shook his head. “Magnus replied. He said that he found it suspicious that we chose to write him a letter rather than show up at his door unexpectedly and unannounced as history suggests. Suspicious and intriguing, he said, so he’s invited us over this afternoon.”

“Wonderful,” said Cordelia. “How are we going to get past my brother?”

The three of them thought for a moment. If Alastair had any suspicion that Cordelia would be going off with James alone, he’d be sure to insist on joining or not allowing it at all.

“You’ll tell him you’re coming with me,” said Lucie. “I have to go to Aunt Cecily’s this afternoon to help her with some correspondence. You can tell him that you’re joining me. James, what time are you supposed to patrol with Matthew?”

“Noon,” said James.

“That’s perfect,” said Lucie. “You’ll look as if you’re going off to meet Matthew to patrol and Cordelia will look as if she’s joining me to go to Cecily’s except Cordelia will hop into your carriage instead of mine.”

James and Cordelia stared at Lucie for a long moment before either of them said anything.

“That brilliant, actually,” said James.

“I know, now fix your gear,” said Lucie. “You look like an idiot.”

Lucie speared another sausage onto her fork from the steaming plate in the middle of the dining room table that had been neatly done up with slow burning candles and plain white china plates. Tessa and Will had left the Institute early to attend a meeting with the Counsel. Sona was being visited by a Silent Brother who insisted on keeping a close eye on Sona’s pregnancy due to her age and fragility.

The meal prepared was as extravagant as the table setting: piles of fresh sausages, perfectly browned toast with freshly churned cinnamon butter, golden scrambled eggs, bacon slices, and bowls of seasonal fruit sprinkled with sugar.

The smell wafted through the Institute like a beacon.

Lucie sat beside Cordelia who sat opposite Alastair. He’d finished his breakfast before they left James to ready the carriages. With his plate cleared from in front of him, he flipped through the mundane newspaper occasionally glancing up to examine the two girls opposite him.

The silence between the two Carstairs was palpable. If Lucie wasn’t so nervous herself about having to go to Grace and tell her that she no longer wanted to help bring Jesse back, she might have tried harder to fill the silence. But with her own thoughts racing with the truth Jesse had shared with her, she couldn’t bring herself to even try.

“What are your plans for today?” Alastair asked gently. “I thought we could go to the park and get some fresh air. Maybe that will help to restore some of your memories.”

Cordelia’s fork clanged against her plate. “Lucie’s Aunt needs help responding to correspondences today. I’ve been asked to join her.”

“Oh,” said Alastair. “That’s all right. Do you need an escort?”

“No,” said Cordelia sharply. “James will be busy patrolling with Matthew so you needn’t worry about the two of us sneaking off together.”

Alastair’s mouth stiffened. “Cordelia, I know that you’re angry with me, but—“

“I’m not angry,” said Cordelia, pushing her plate of food away. “We can walk around the park tomorrow or perhaps this afternoon. There are some things we aren’t finished discussing, but if you’ll excuse us, our carriage should be ready and Cecily is expecting us.”

Lucie followed Cordelia when she stood up from the table, but before she turned to leave, she saw Alastair look down at his hands resting in his lap. His mouth muttered something under his breath, probably something he wanted to say to Cordelia, but couldn’t bring himself to. For all of his faults, and he had many, Lucie could recognize the love in his eyes towards his sister.

The two girls left the room, hurrying through down the hallway towards the front doors where two carriages waited. James sat in the driver’s seat of the open one that was mostly used for transporting items. Balios stood patiently while James hopped down and assisted Cordelia into the spot beside him on the bench.

“We’ll meet back at the Institute at three,” said Lucie, that would give them plenty of time for Magnus to muddle through Cordelia’s mind and James to look for the book while she abandoned her plan to help Jesse. “We need to come in together so no one will be suspicious. Good luck, Cordelia. If anyone can find your lost memories, it’s Magnus.”

“Let’s hope so,” said Cordelia and nodded at James to leave.

Lucie gathered her dress and climbed into the carriage waiting for her. She took her seat beside the window on the plush velvet bench and tried not to think about what she was about to do.

Jesse’s words played over in her mind until eyes burned. Maybe it was foolish of her to believe that there was anything more there; that he might actually care for her. Perhaps she did spend too much time in her fairytales that she’d lost touch of reality. Perhaps this was all for the best. She could focus on her training, on becoming parabatai with Cordelia, and finish her manuscript for publication. She’d have to think of a clever pen name, possibly a male one like Jane Austen had, so that her audience would expand past bored housewives.

And perhaps one day she’d meet someone. Alive, preferably, and her feelings for Jesse Blackthorn would be just a distant memory that she tucked into a box in her mind until they’re completely forgotten about, consumed by other things.

She wondered if he’d forget her too. If that was something he could do.

If it was something he’d done already.

It was nearly noon when the carriage came to a stop outside of her Aunt Cecily’s house. She did as Grace instructed and went around the back. The house looked dark when she approached the door though the garden. There was no light coming through the windows, normally Cecily had the doors open to let a breeze inside and some of the stuffiness out or the housemaids were hard at work dusting rugs, hanging laundry, or pouring out dirty mop water, but there was no such activity. Perhaps Grace preferred everything to be quiet.

Lucie rapped her knuckles on the dark wood once. “Grace, it’s Lucie. I don’t want to frighten you by barging in.”

After a moment, when she heard nothing, she tested the door knob and found it unlocked. She pushed it open on its aged hinges and walked into the kitchen. The curtains had all been drawn leaving the room dark except for small slivers of light where the sun came in through a break in the curtains. Flakes of dust danced in the air as Lucie passed through to the front drawing room.

“Grace,” Lucie called as she checked the chairs and the lounge sofa where they’d shared their bargain. The room was empty and quiet except for the sound of the old grandfather clock ticking away the seconds. “Grace, are you here?”

A chill drifted through the thin fabric of Lucie’s sleeves. There was a faint smell of burning wood.

Lucie turned towards the stairs leading up to the second floor.

“I don’t find this humorous,” said Lucie, and walked slowly up the stairs despite her instincts telling her to stop. “If you’re hiding because you don’t want to help me, well I’m here to tell you that I’ve decided to put an end to our plan. Your brother is adamant that he doesn’t want my help to bring him back and wishes to terminate all contact with me, so you can stop the theatrics now.”

She reached the top of the landing where the hallway split in two directions: West and East. Lucie glanced to her right and knew her aunt and uncle's room to be down at the end and Anna’s room being the first door on the left.

The sound of shuffling feet came from her left. She glanced in that direction just as the skirt of a white dress drifted into a doorway.

Lucie released a sigh and hurried towards the door. Words laced with venom filled her mouth as she stomped down the hallway and nearly kicked open the door.

“I sincerely hope you—“ The words were cut short. Laying in the center of a four poster bed in a black tailored suit, like he’d just risen from a nap, was Belial.

He grinned that cunning, familiar smile at her. “Good,” he said. “You received my message.”

A/N: Happy Halloween friends! I hope you all had a wonderful and safe holiday whether it was spent watching scary movies alone or with friends, safely trick-or-treating in a neighborhood, or partying it up sipping booze through a straw and hole in your mask while dressed like Napoleon Dynamite or a ninja turtle (I'm not judging). Live your best life! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. We are starting to get back into the thick of it, and I for one, am excited. Please give it a like, tell me your thoughts on this chapter, reblog if you feel so inclined, and if you haven’t all ready give me a follow. I post about books, romance, and zero politics. Next update is coming at you, Nov 15!

#The Last Night #the last night fanfiction #the shadowhunter chronicles #cassandra clare #chain of gold #chain of gold fanfic #jordelia fanfiction #jordelia #james x cordelia #lucie x jesse #james herondale #Cordelia Carstairs #the last hours

41 notes · View notes

wefoundloveunderthelight · 3 years

Photo

Wonderland by GleefullyCaptainSwan

Or on FF

Tagging: @kmomof4 @lfh1226-linda @teamhook @itsfabianadocarmo

Chapter 7: Trust

“How do you think you’re doing so far? A few more days and you will have completed your first two weeks.”

“I guess it’s going well. I’m not really sure how else it could go.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Killian. It’s not easy facing truth’s we aren’t ready to see. And you’ve been handling that well.”

Killian wasn’t sure he agreed with the good Doc. The only thing he had faced was admitting out loud that the accident was his fault. Perhaps he was a bit surprised that he had told Emma. He didn’t expect to do that. Honestly, he had followed the girl out to apologize for being so harsh in group, only to end up telling her about the accident. He didn’t know what it was about Emma, but the woman had him a bit off his game.

“So, today let’s talk about what happened after the accident. More specifically the loss of your hand, how did you handle the news?”

He straightened in his chair, rubbing his palm on his knee. “Like anyone who is just told that their entire life had changed.” He sat back in his seat and shrugged his shoulders. “Really badly.”

“When did you find out?”

“I woke up in the hospital sometime after the accident, my brother Liam was there. I could tell something was wrong. He told me about my hand first. I guess I was in shock. I didn’t react at all honestly. It was like being numb. I don’t have any other way of explaining it. I’m a musician and suddenly that’s all gone.”

“You play guitar?”

“Played. I dunno what I’ll do now. Honestly, I haven’t even thought about it. It seems so trivial considering everything else I lost.”

“I wouldn’t say trivial, Killian. It’s your life. Your livelihood.”

“Rob always tells me I have my good looks and acting to fall back on, but honestly I did all that because I could. Music was my passion; it was something I did because I wanted to.”

“And that is something that the accident took away from you.”

Killian shuddered with guilt to even feel anger about the loss of a career. “None of that mattered after he told me about Milah and the baby.”

“And how did you handle that?”

“I lost my mind. Ripped my IV out, Liam had to bring in security to restrain me. When I finally calmed down, he asked if I had been drinking that night. The look on his face showed so much disappointment. I got angry, kicked him out of my room. Refused to speak to him for days.”

“Why do you think you reacted that way?”

“My whole life I’ve been living in Liam’s shadow. He was always the golden boy. Dad used to tell me that if the Jones brothers were to make anything of their lives, I just needed to watch my brother. He was the best of us.”

“What does Liam do for a living?”

“He’s a hero.”

“In your mind, I’m sure.”

“No like an actual damn hero. While I was making music on a stupid guitar, he was off fighting in a war.”

“Do you feel like your success was not earned because it wasn’t won the same way as Liam’s?”

“It wasn’t honorable like his. I sing stupid lyrics about dumb shit that doesn’t matter to anyone but me.” He stood up and started pacing the back of the room. “The night we got our record deal, his convoy got ambushed. I got the call that night that that his platoon had gone missing, presumed dead or captured. Days went by before we heard anything. A week later he came home a goddamn hero. Walked his whole platoon out of danger, fought off an attack, and won a fucking Gold Star. I got a record contract. A fucking record contract and he saved ten people. There was no living up to that.”

“Your success shouldn’t be compared to your brother’s sacrifices. It is admirable what he did but that doesn’t mean that everything you have earned means anything less.”

He paused, considering his words but knowing that nothing he would ever do could possibly match the honor of his brother.

“Have you thought about inviting him for family day coming up?”

“I’m not certain he would come even if I did.”

Killian continued to pace behind the couch. He spent the rest of his session thinking about his brother and the disappointment he had caused in the past year. The last time he had spoken to him still haunted his dreams.

“Killian you need help.”

“Fuck off, I’m fine.”

“How much coke is up your nose right now?”

“Enough that you are killing my buzz!”

“This isn’t you. The girls, the drugs, I don’t even know you anymore. You and Milah were…”

“Don’t, don’t talk about her. You don’t know anything about her. You don’t get to say her name.”

“Killian.”

“Get out, Liam. I never want to see you again.”

When he emerged from the office, he was surprised to see Ruby waiting around outside the door.

“Hello lass, are you next?”

“No, I just wanted to check on you.”

Killian had been impressed at how nice the girl had been to him since the incident on the beach where he was unable to perform a simple act of intimacy. He smiled at the girl. “No need, love. I’m fine, barely a scratch.” He joked.

He stilled when he saw the blonde he had been avoiding approaching them from the other side of the courtyard.

“Hey.”

“Hey Emma, meeting with Hop?” Ruby asked her roommate.

“Um yeah, guess it’s my turn to get my head shrunk.”

She made eye contact with him and he quickly looked away. He hadn’t spoken to the girl since she banished him from her sight after their last group session. That didn’t mean he hadn’t thought about her since then. He cursed the fact that it had been more than once.

“If you don’t mind Ruby, I am going to take a run.” He excused himself and left the ladies staring as he walked away.

~*~

“You scared him off.” Ruby complained as soon as he ran off.

“What did I do?”

“You’re always so mean to him.”

She rolled her eyes. “Geez Rubes, I get it you’re fucking him but I’m not going to be lectured about being nice to someone that has made my life hell since I got here.”

She flinched and then narrowed her eyes. “You give as good as you get. Hell, I’m surprised the two of you haven’t fucked with the way you go at each other.”

“Not if he was the last man on this island.” She stated louder than she had intended.

“Trying to convince me or yourself?” She pursed her lips and walked away.

“Whatever.” She pushed through the door and into the office.

“Good afternoon, Emma.”

“I guess.” She said sourly.

“So, last group session we spoke a lot about Neal? You’ve implied that your parents liked him.”

“Of course, everyone likes Neal. My parents think he’s the best thing for me.”

“And what do you think?”

“No one cares what I want, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“You’re pregnant?”

“That’s what happens when two lines show up on the fucking test, Neal.”

“How the hell did this happen?”

“It’s called sex, you asshole.”

“And you’re sure it’s mine?”

“What the hell, Neal.”

“Ok, sorry, what are you going to do now?”

“What am I going to do? Like this is all on me?”

“Emma, I’m just saying, we can’t have a damn baby.”

Later that evening as Emma’s legs worked the exercise bike in the lonely gym, she tried not to think about the child she gave away. She had seen his dark head of hair, ten fingers and ten toes, and she knew that if she even held him for ten seconds, she would have never let him go. So instead, she refused to hold him, only telling them his name as they took him from the room.

Henry.

She wondered where he was, what family had accepted him as their own. If he was being loved and taken care of.

She pushed herself faster, sweat pouring off her brow as she cycled harder and faster than she could even maintain. She screamed as loud as she could, pressing her feet against the pedals.

“I think you bested the mechanical beast.”

She jumped at the sound of another voice in the darkened silence of the gym.

“Can you not sneak up on me, for the last time?”

“Sorry, love. It was not my intention to sneak up on anyone. Apparently, you and I had the same idea for blowing off steam tonight. I can leave if you would prefer.”

She blew out a loud puff of air. “No, it’s not my gym, if you want to be here, I’m not going to stop you.”

He climbed onto the bike next to her and she noticed they each seemed to be matching the pace of the other, when she sped up, so did he. It was like a competition that neither would admit to entering.

The sweat was starting to drip down her back, her hair caked to her forehead. She chanced a glance in his direction and saw beads of sweat glistening on his skin. She wished to hell that didn’t make him more attractive than he already was. She silently wondered what it would feel like to run her hands across his wet flesh, immediately squeezing her thighs together as she worked the bike, the heat between her legs intensifying the more she glanced in his direction.

Suddenly his pace slowed beside her, and she breathed a sigh of relief, an unspoken win she would claim.

“You win.” He chuckled, with his hands in the air as he slowed his legs on the bike.

“Wasn’t aware we were in a race.” She tried acting as disinterested as she could.

“I think we got off on the wrong foot.”

She glared in his direction. “Really, what gave you that clue?”

“Are you always this difficult or is it just for my benefit?”

She slowed down her speed and turned to look at him. “What do you want from me? Because I’m just trying to get through this fucking bullshit without losing my mind.”

“May I offer a suggestion?”

“From you?”

“Try something new darling, it’s called trust.”

“I don’t trust anyone but myself.”

“Come with me.” He climbed off his bike and gestured for her to follow him.

“What are you playing at?”

“No games, love.” He stared at her, his blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight coming through the large glass windows.

“Fine.” She groaned and followed him throughout the complex, leaving the lights of the buildings behind as her eyes saw the water come into view.

They walked without speaking for ten minutes, before he stopped and bent down to remove his shoes. “Come on, love, the sand begs to be felt, not trampled on.”

She stood defiantly watching him set his shoes to the side, pulling his socks off and standing before her, barefoot in his sweatpants. She held her breath before bending down and removing her shoes and socks and setting them next to his.

“Now what?” she said dryly.

“Let’s walk.”

She followed him reluctantly, the sand cold and coarse between her toes. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, with each footstep she felt her burden of the last few days become lighter.

“When things get to be too much, I find that the water, she calms me.”

Emma looked over at him, his hair blowing in the breeze, she noticed that his expression was lighter and calmer than she had ever seen him.

“She?”

“Aye, the ocean is my mistress.”

She laughed lightly. “Do you live near the ocean?”

“Aye. Seattle. And you?”

“New York, but I spend more time in the city than I do at the beach.”

“See that wasn’t so hard now was it?” He joked.

“What are you talking about?”

“Getting you to talk is quite the challenge. It’s like you’re afraid. Afraid to talk, to reveal yourself. To trust me.”

“I don’t trust anyone, don’t take it personally.”

“Not even Neal?”

She laughed loudly. “Nice try.”

“Sorry, love. Just trying to figure you out.”

“Why?”

“I like a challenge, I guess. Besides, no one should go through something like this alone.”

She stopped walking. “I am alone. None of us are here for each other. I don’t know you; you don’t know me. I’m not here to make friends.”

He turned to face her. “You’re not alone, Emma.”

Emma groaned. “Oh my God, why do you even care, you hate me anyway.”

“Actually, I quite fancy you from time to time when you’re not yelling at me.”

For a moment she just stared at him, his eyes latched onto hers. And then she started laughing. It began in her stomach and it overwhelmed her until she was practically giddy with choked giggles and tears that formed under her eyelids. She didn’t even know why she was laughing, nothing about what was happening to her was funny, yet here she was, full belly laughs almost taking her off her feet.

When she finally calmed, he was looking at her with a smile across his face. “Wow I haven’t laughed like that in years.” She said softly.

“Long overdue then, I should say.”

He didn’t push for anything else, he simply continued the walk, taking in the views of the ocean until his watch started to beep and they both realized the time.

“Guess we should head back.”

She looked up at him, wondering what else was going on behind those eyes of his. “Um yeah.” They turned back to where they left their shoes. “Thanks.” Her voice was so quiet she wondered if he even heard her. But he simply nodded and bent down to gather his shoes.

She expected him to say something as they went their separate ways to their rooms, but he surprised her with simply a smile and a nod before heading to his room. She didn’t know what to make of Killian Jones. But for a moment they seemed to be at a truce.

“Where have you been?” Ruby was waiting for her in their room, sitting on the edge of her bed.

“Just walking. Therapy was a bit rough today.”

“Oh. Sorry. I’ve had a couple of those days.”

“You didn’t happen to see Killian around tonight, did you?”

“I’m not his keeper.” She said quickly.

“I know, I was just looking for him, couldn’t find him anywhere.”

“Booty call?”

She laughed. “Nah, just worried about him.”

Emma’s brow furrowed. “Oh, why?”

“I don’t know, he doesn’t really talk about himself much, but I could tell that his last few sessions were really getting to him.”

“I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe check the gym next time. I think he goes there once everyone has left.”

“Oh?”

She turned to change her clothes, ignoring the questioning looks from her roommate.

“Get some sleep Rubes.”

Emma pulled the covers under her chin, basking in the darkness of the night. She didn’t know what to think of her evening on the beach. There were times she absolutely hated the man with one hand. Loathed the way he stared at her, knowing he was trying to get under her armor. She didn’t understand Killian Jones. But what gnawed at her even more was the fact that she wanted to understand him.

~*~

Killian fell into bed that evening with thoughts of Emma Swan. It wasn’t until he woke the next morning that he realized he didn’t dream of Milah. There was no nightmare of her in his arms, her life drained from her body. No dream of her hair blowing in the wind on the deck of his ship. A part of him was angry that Emma invaded his thoughts and kept him from seeing Milah’s face in his dreams. The other part was curious to understand what this woman had that was invading so much of his life.

“There you are!” He looked up to see Ruby approaching his table, her tray of food in her hand. “I looked all over for you yesterday.

“Sorry love, I was a bit lost in my head yesterday. Was everything alright?”

“Of course, silly. I just wanted to see you.”

He smiled tentatively at the girl. He liked Ruby. She was very nice to him, had kept their relationship or lack thereof private, and seemed to truly care about his wellbeing.

“Well, here I am. So, tell me, lass. How are you doing?”

She smiled widely. “I’m doing great. Family day is coming, and my Gran is definitely coming.”

“That’s excellent news.”

“What about you? Are you inviting anyone?”

“I don’t have my phone privileges for another day. But I haven’t decided yet if I will be inviting anyone.”

“You really should consider it. It’s another big step in your recovery when you can work through things with those you love.”

“Thanks, I’ll consider it.”

He looked up and caught Emma staring in his direction and he found himself wondering if family day would bring Emma’s boyfriend to the island. He almost wanted to see the man that had destroyed her view of trust and helped push her down the path that led her here.

He already disliked Neal, he’d heard enough in their group session about his part in leading a 14-year-old to drugs and alcohol. What kind of a man could do that to someone they care about?

How could anyone love someone yet assist them in destroying themselves?

“Come on Killian, what’s the big deal. It’s like alcohol but faster.”

“Can’t you get addicted to this stuff?”

“Baby, it’s just for fun. We won’t let it go that far. Do this with me, just this once.”

“Alright love, just this once. Anything for my Milah.”

He pushed the thoughts away, shoving the last of his food into his mouth and excusing himself from the table. He would be forced to face enough truth’s in his sessions with Dr. Hopper, he’d be damned if he were going to drive himself mad at breakfast.

#wonderland fic #wonderland #emma x killian #killian jones #emma swan #emma x hook #captain swan #captain swan au #captain swan fics #captain swan modern au #stacy's fics

11 notes · View notes

urmomification · 3 years

Text

WOOO POG DREAM SMP AU

theres 1.8k words and 9,393 characters of a schlatt au below the cut LMAO

[i was rambling to my friend and this is what came out of it! send me an abt it if u have questions i would love to talk abt it more pls]

(slight body horror/gore tw!!)

slams fists on table rattling any dishes on the table au where schlatt doesnt die of a heartattack and tubbo locks him up to rot basically and his horns grow into his eyes effectively blinding him and chained his hands together and basically a leash on him to keep him from moving around in his cell so he cant do anything to break the horns off before they get too long and one day when technos breaking into lmanberg he gets chased into the prison and loses them in the halls before coming across schlatts cell and schlatts calling out like 'whos there i can hear ur foot steps whos there please someone whos there' etc yk and technos speechless they thought they executed him to keep him from causing any more problems in the country but this is this is just much worse than anything he even thought theyd do and hes standing in front of schlatts cell just looking at him as if hes imagining it he knew lmanberg was bad but holy fuck they just let this man rot in a cell to the point of his own horns blinding him and giving him no aid or way to ease the pain so he makes himself known and schlatt 'ive never been so happy to see, well, hear an anarchist in my life, its good to see- hear you technoblade' and chuckles and blood runs down his face like tears would, few drops landing on his clothes before techno starts trying to get into the cell to take him out of there he cant leave him here sure he was an anarchist terrorist w a murder record but he had standards and now that schlatt wasnt in power he had nothing against him really considering he isnt a citizen of lmanberg so he manages to pick the locks enough to get him out of there, schlatts arm slung over technos shoulder they stumble out of the prison building and as they slowly make their way to the nether portal to get back to technos base, they run into tubbo and quackity, schlatts old right hand men and they try to stop techno bc hes well an anarchist terrorist w a murder record but the glare techno gives them levels them and theyre left staring at each other for a moment when schlatt 'whyre we stopped whos there tech' and techno mumbles 'tubbo and quackity schlatt' and schlatt just furrows his brows as far as he can without sending excruciating pain into his eye sockets before he purses his lips and asks 'are they going to try and stop us?' techno looks back at the other two 'no they wont, isnt that right boys?' tubbo and quackity slink away allowing techno and schlatt to the portal and them going thru, schlatt still silent as he tries not to trip over technos cape or off the ledge of the bridge passing over the lava lakes, they make it to the portal and begin the walk across the arctic tundra to technos house, philza isnt there right now so its just the two of them and techno leads him up the ladder to his room (its not really a room i think its just a bed, a bell and an enchantment table) and sits him down on his bed mumbling something abt being right back and he is with some medical supplies and a change of clothes to clean everything up, they dont talk techno works in silence and when schlatt winces he mumbles a small apology before continuing eventually techno got schlatt as cleaned up as you can get someone w horns in their eyes and a sweater to keep him warm and finally starts asking questions 'how long had u been in there' 'lost count' 'did they bring you food' 'a chests worth at the beginning of the month' techno sighs 'i thought they executed you' 'tubbo chickened out despite me being 'an active threat to our peace in lmanberg' and locked me up a few days after u set the withers loose and dropped off a chest of food once a month and most of them refused to talk to me others couldnt even make eye contact with me, other than the few instances where they said things like 'heres ur food' or 'u deserve this' or 'i cant believe tubbo let u live' i talked to no one other than myself for however long i was in there' techno stands and walks around for a moment before flipping some pages and schlatt can hear him gasp quietly in mild surprise 'what is it tech' looking in the direction he heard techno from and techno says, turning to face schlatt on his bed 'schlatt that was almost 3 months ago' a single beat of silence rings for what feels like forever 'oh. i, i didnt think itd been that long. though it would explain my current predicament' loosely gesturing towards his face 'oh right abt that i have a few questions if ur ready to answer some' schlatt hums and techno grabs a pen and paper and sits next to him in case he needs to take any notes for future reference 'how fast do ur horns normally grow' 'idk just a steady amount my whole life pretty much' 'will they ever stop growing' 'they generally stop growing around 30 and continue to grow more in width than length' 'did anyone who brought u food notice' 'they grow quickly and by the time the person w the third chest came around they were getting close to my eyes but they didnt listen to me, no one did' he sighs looking down at would be his hands 'the odds of both of my horns growing into my eyes and blinding me like this are so low but of course it would happen to me' a chuckle void of any amusement 'because losing my country and my people and my power wasnt enough already' techno stands up 'you had that coming' schlatt actually laughs this time, short and curt 'ok fair, u were the one that took me down afterall' and from then on schlatt lives w techno and phil and eventually tommy and then without tommy (tommy was Not happy when he found out that schlatt was living with techno but he needed somewhere to stay too and techno happens to live in an arctic tundra where only a handful of people know how to get to so he didnt complain too much) and eventually techno saws off schlatts horns at the bend adn removes them from his eyes bc if they kept growing into his head theyd hit his brain and kill him on top of blinding him and techno gags and almost throws up despite not being sensitive to gore and gives schlatt a bandanna to cover the holes in his head for everyones sake and once they heal somewhat he can find something else out and thats how they live, schlatt helps with what he can like farming w phil but mostly spends his time learning braille or something so he can read and techno gets him books in braille so he isnt bored or alone like he was in the prison and he feeds him and takes care of him and schlatt is funny and entertaining despite being blinded by something from his own body and the torture it was like to rot in a cell alone for almost a 1/4 of a year and nights when techno gets home late and hes shaken and the voices are bad schlatt will sit behind him and play with his hair and talk abt his own day and rub technos back and in return when schlatt relapses and gets violent and angry techno will wash his hair and read him stories until he calms down and hopefully asleep and no one told him the news that wilbur died so when ghostbur shows up and starts talking to him he treats him the same as he would wilbur bc he cant see that hes a ghost all thats different is his speech pattern and overall personality and one day he says 'ur different wilbur what happened to that, i dunno spark u used to have' and wilbur simply 'im not sure if im being honest a lot abt me has changed since i died, or so im told i dont remember much from when i was alive' and schlatt just 0_0 and then hes scrambling down the ladder and stumbling around the house looking for techno, finding him in the basement working on something and when he gets there hes out of breath and his hands are shaking bc holy shit wilburs not only dead but a ghost and he was just talking to me and he doesnt remember what i did and and and and techno is shocked to see schlatt in the basement and asks whats up and schlatt just 'wilbur died wilbur fucking died tech why didnt anyone tell him and now hes a ghost hes a fucking ghost who lives in ur house and doesnt remember anything he doesnt remember that he blew up lmanberg does he he remembers my name but not anything that i did what hes a fucking ghost techno hes a ghost holy fuck' and technos just standing there like ??? no one no one told him 'yea philza had to kill him after he blew up lmanberg i thought u knew thats why i didnt say anything' oh. 'phil, phil had to kill him?' 'yea its a touchy subject, dont bring it up' and simply goes back to what he was working on so schlatt sits on the ground by the ladder and listens to him work his brain going a mile a minute trying to comprehend whats going on 'would i have become a ghost if theyd chosen to execute me?' 'its hard to say im unsure if theres specific circumstances that contribuite to someone becoming a ghost but theres really no telling' and goes back to working yet again and from then on they fall into an easy schedule of techno going out and doing whatever an anarchist terrorist w a murder record does on ur average wednesday and schlatt stays home reading and organizing whatever he can based on size and feeling and sleeping in windowsills and schlatt greeting techno comes home beaten up and full of new resources and a side of bruises and cuts so he tends to them, getting better at maneuvering and functioning without needing to see then techno making dinner and then curling up by the fire for the night enjoying each others company as they talk abt their days :]

#dream smp #jschlatt #technoblade #sorry abt the lack of paragraph breaks i wrote this on discord and just copy pasted it #sorry if things dont make sense too! i just started watching a few weeks ago :]#looks at schlatt and technoblade: i just think theyre neat #also this isnt intended to be a ship au or anything but u can interpret it as whatever #fic au idea

8 notes · View notes

kiatheinsomniac · 4 years

Text

Huntress V

[Part I] [Part II] [Part III] [Part IV] [Part V]

When (Y/n) awoke, she was in an unfamiliar room, no longer at the doctor’s. It was fairly cramped and the windows were boarded up to prevent any sunlight from getting inside, leaving the candles on the desk as the only source of light.

The bed took up most of the room albeit it, it was small and very low down. Opposite the bed was a desk and chair — papers had already been pinned above the desk and Ezio stood with his back to her and was laying some items out over the table, seemingly taking an inventory. There was a hatch on the floor which (Y/n) assumed was the exit.

She sat up and looked around, rubbing her eyes before throwing the blanket back to examine her legs — big mistake. She gasped and pulled it back over her figure, causing Ezio to turn around to face her. The vampire had heard her wake up but didn’t feel the need to turn around until hearing her sound of distress.

“Where are my clothes?!” She exclaimed, holding the sheet over her bare chest.

“Relax. It’s been a few days and I thought they needed to be cleaned. If it makes you feel any better, I sent for a woman to change you.” He continued as he crouched down beside her, watching as she held the sheet tighter and shuffled back a little. His dark eyes locked with hers for a moment before he reached for the blanket at her feet. Her hand darted out to grab his wrist, stopping him.

“What’re you doing?!”

“Checking your bandages.” He replied, “I have no ill intentions for you, (Y/n).”

“You know I can’t believe that. I tried to kill you twice and then you saved me from execution. Why would you do that unless you wanted something?” She narrowed her eyes at him. But her glare wasn’t as hard as he had seen it before: she seemed cautious, confused and painfully aware of how vulnerable she was in that moment.

“Because I want you to change your mind.” He replied, feeling her grip of his wrist soften and moving his large hand to hold her smaller one. “You’ve been on the wrong course for so long. What will killing vampires achieve? Satisfaction? Why not go out there and kill the men who took your sisters, hmm? Kill them and everyone like them who would strip you and other witches of your freedom. Stop them from putting anyone else through that pain. Fight with me, not against me. Fight for a world where we can all choose the path we lead.” The idea seemed to roll in her mind and she sighed, not wanting to share her thoughts on it just yet and raising the sheets to reveal her bandaged legs instead.

Ezio returned to the desk and grabbed a pouch before returning to her side and removing the bandages. (Y/n) hissed when he prodded her a little too hard by accident, causing him to mumble his apologies as he inspected the wound. Her skin was raw and blistered and she winced at the mere sight.

“The doctor prescribed this ointment.” He spoke as he pulled it from the pouch and (Y/n) opened and closed her palm to signal for him to hand it over. She opened the lid and smelled the contents.

“This won’t do anything. If I had my stuff, I could get the spell to cure it.” She grumbled as she handed it back over.

“Would it still be in the Doge’s home?” He queried.

“Yes, but he’s surrounded by guards now, no doubt.” She replied, “But I’m worried I’ll suffer from infection under this doctor’s work. I’ve never trusted them, we just don’t know enough about the human’s biology yet. I’ll stick to my own remedies.”

"And there are no other copies of this remedy?" He asked, raising a hand as he stood.

"No, I came across it myself by accident after a fight when I was working with whatever ingredients I could find." She replied, frowning at her bandaged legs. "And if it's any motivation for you, that book you stole pages from is also in that bag."

"It is?" His eyes lit up, "Where have you kept your things?" He queried.

"The trunk at the end of the bed in the spare room." She replied, "Though, I'm worried that they may have got rid of my things when they arrested me."

"Va bene, I'll send someone to check and see if they can recover your belongings." He replied as he got up and reached for the handle of the hatch on the floor.

"Don't go anywhere." He finished as his head disappeared down below and the door fell back into place.

"I think my blisters are security enough for that." She rolled her eyes before swinging her injured legs over the side of the bed, holding the sheet around her form in case Ezio came back, assuring that it was wrapped securely around her slim figure.

She stood upon the wooden floor and winced at the pain in caused, gripping onto the table to sturdy her balance - it had been a few days since she last walked and she was feeling the effects of it. She opted to lean one hand on the table in order to try and get back to her usual self, not wanting to be idle anymore.

She reached towards the pages pinned to the walls - sketches and annotated diagrams. It showed a sphere was unusual markings that was called a Piece of Eden and 'the apple?' hastily written beside it as well. There were annotations about some of its known abilities: mind control, illusion and so on. (Y/n) could recall a few mentions of this artefact from the book which she had stolen from the Doge's study but these must be the pages which he had torn from it. Personally, she had been much more interested in the staff that it had documented so she thought very little of these few mentionings of the apple.

Strewn over the desk were various maps and lists: some were maps of regions in Venice with different locations circled and crossed out, some areas marked with squares around buildings. But she could not find any key to decipher what any of these meant, perhaps it was just one that Ezio had kept in his mind. There were lists of different names and information provided by contacts. There was a scroll of various papers that was bound with a black ribbon. She opened it up to reveal contracts assigned by Lorenzo de Medici.

"The Medici?!" She whisper-yelled to herself. How many people did this vampire know? The contracts spoke of enemies to the Medici rule that needed to be dealt with. Some of them were checked off by Ezio but others were yet to be completed. Perhaps he intended to finish them once his work in Venice was done?

There was a noise from below and (Y/n) looked back to the hatch, seeing Ezio climb up a ladder and re-enter the small room which they seemed to be sharing for the time being. She didn't act hastily in rolling the contracts back up again. If he wanted her to trust him then he would allow her to know everything that was going on; especially seeing as he had previously told her how much was hidden from her beforehand.

"I've sent someone to try and collect your things but we can't guarantee she'll be successful." He began before holding out a bundle of white silk and linen to her, seeing as all she had to protect her decency was a bedsheet. "I also got this for you, one of the ladies has let you borrow it until we can get your clothes back or buy you some new ones."

"Thank you." She mumbled as she took the clothing and held it out with one hand, seeing the length of it and how revealing it was.

"Is this lady a courtesan by any chance?" She scoffed as Ezio turned around to face the desk once more in order to allow her some privacy as she changed, his back now to her.

"Yes, actually. We're above a brothel." He replied and (Y/n) sighed as she stood on the bed (due to the lack of space) and dropped the sheet, pulling the shoulderless dress on over her head and pulling the thin layers of the skirt down, still feeling awfully revealed by the open-cut front of the dress and how the stay sewn into it barely contained her breasts. She almost fell to the floor in the process, her legs still weak, but she managed to support herself on the wall.

"Ok, I'm done." She huffed as she pulled the front of the dress down carefully, feeling anxious about her lack of clothing underneath, all while not wanting the bodice to shift with it. Ezio looked over his shoulder and his eyes widened for a moment before flickering down her body and a smirk pulled at the corner of his lips before he looked away once more.

"I saw that," (Y/n) grumbled as she sat down, letting her legs fall off the side of the bed.

"It was only a quick look." He replied in a laddish tone with a hearty laugh at the end.

"Not for you, it wasn't. I wasn't born yesterday, Ezio, I know how quickly your kind can move when wanted." She was replied with another laugh from him.

"Art should be admired, no?"

"You're not doing yourself any favours in getting in my good books here." She finished as she walked over to one of the boarded-up windows.

"Don't touch those." He said, not raising his gaze from one of the maps on the table.

"What's stopping me?" She countered, knowing that she had the ability to severely injure him just by prying a board back and allowing the sunlight to pour in. An arm wrapped around her torso, restraining her arms by her sides and a blade was pressed to her throat in a moment. The cold metal rested against the hot skin of her neck and she reeled her head back to try and put some distance between herself and the weapon, ending up leaning her head back onto his shoulder.

"This." He growled in her ear, not wanting her to get any ideas about attacking him while he was vulnerable during the time that he was treating her. He truly wanted the best for her but he would never be able to achieve that if both of them didn't command mutual respect. She twisted her body to the left a little, elbowing him in the gut and giving her the moment she needed to turn around and shove him away.

"Still not doing you any favours for getting on my good side." She grumbled as she leaned against the wall, crossing her arms. He didn't seem to mind her shoving him, it not really having much of an effect seeing as she was already weakened by her injuries. "Don't do that again." She mumbled, making her way over to the desk to watch what he was doing. After realising he had taken out a very specific map of a building, she became curious as to what it was.

"What're you looking at?" She asked, wrapping her arms around herself as she felt a sudden chill.

"It's a map of the Basilica, there's something that I need. . . Would you shut up?" She was taken aback for a moment after he spun in her direction to say that, opening her mouth to retort when she saw that he was, in fact, looking behind her. She turned her head and jumped backwards with a yelp, her back hitting Ezio's chest in the small space that was the secret loft of the brothel. Suddenly she understood the chill.

She'd never been sensitive to spirits in the day, perhaps that's why Elizabetta's ghost had managed to appear behind her, undetected.

Her dark locks fell down her back and her eyes were a piercing green, poking like needles into whoever caught a glimpse of them. Her skin was strikingly pale and (Y/n) could see the punctures over her neck so easily in their short distance - a reminder of what Ezio was capable of doing to her. The naked ghost took a step closer as she continued to speak silently, lips moving but not a word coming out.

Whether he meant to or not, Ezio's arm made its way around (Y/n)'s waist, trying to push her behind him in the small distance. The witch turned her head to glance up at him, seeing the look of irritation on his face as he regarded the dead woman.

"I've heard enough. You won't scare me Elizabetta, and you won't make me change my mind." There was a pause as she clearly scoffed, (Y/n) only wishing she could hear what the spirit was saying. "Why would I listen to you? I know that your only goal is to see me fail." His voice was rising and it was clear to (Y/n) that Elizabetta had hit a nerve.

"Begone, you're no longer welcome here for the time being." (Y/n) cut in, watching as the woman's emerald eyes narrowed angrily, somewhat surprised that the huntress had even cut in before she vanished like smoke.

"What did she say?" (Y/n) quizzed, turning around to face him.

"She. . ."He seemed to trail off as he looked down at the woman in his arms, his hand resting on her lower back, tilting his head down to meet her gaze before closing his eyes. He sighed and stepped away, turning around, "I'm not entirely sure yet, all I know is she was trying to get under my skin and she succeeded to a degree." He reached a hand out to smooth down the top of her hair.

"Get some rest, it'll do you no good if you tire your legs out. We're going to be moving once the sun sets then I'll be heading out to see what I can find out about the Doge's whereabouts." (Y/n) didn't like being told to sleep as though she were a child and it was her bedtime.

"Fine, but I won't be staying inside your next hideout while you look for the Doge. If your courtesan doesn't return my things, I'll have to retrieve them myself and if I can't then I'll have to buy some new clothes. You may think that I'm fragile because I’m a witch, Ezio," She added as she sat down and pulled the blanket over her lap, "but it hasn't stopped me in the past and now that I have a new score to settle, it certainly won't stop me now."

"Revenge is a painful road, belleza," Ezio spoke wearily, recalling what his own path was.

"And it seems it's a pain we both know all too well."

#Ezio #ezio auditore da firenze #ezio auditore #ezio x reader #ezio auditore imagine #huntress #vampire #vampire au #ezio auditore vampire au #au #witches #halloween special #spooky season #assassins creed #assassins creed 2 #ac #ac2 #assassins creed x reader

21 notes · View notes

jeditrilla · 4 years

Text

all of second sister’s dialogue

i’ve compiled almost all of her lines, as well as the databank info on her and lines about her said by other characters for fanfic writing purposes. lmk if i forgot something and pls beware of spoilers.

SCENE 1: Brocca

Second Sister: Is this all of them?

Second Sister: We seek a dangerous fugitive. This is no common anarchist but a devotee of the treasonous Jedi Order. Failure to turn over this traitor will result in a charge of sedition. Turn yourself in or everyone present shall face summary execution.

Prauf: (...) To the Empire... we’re all just expendable.

Second Sister: Yes, you are. (kills him)

Cal: NO!

Second Sister: Look at this. A lightsaber.

SCENE 2: Brocca II

Second Sister: Going somewhere?

Second Sister: I recognize that stance. Perhaps you had some training after all. Who was your Master, Padawan? Someone I killed, perhaps? What Jedi gave their life so that you might live?

SCENE 3: Brocca III (aboard the Mantis after escaping Second Sister)

Cal (about Second Sister): Who was that back there?

Cere: An Imperial Inquisitor. She’s a Force user hunting Jedi survivors. And now that she knows who you are… She will not stop until she destroys you.

DATABANK: The Second Sister - 1. The Second Sister

A relentless Imperial Inquisitor, the Second Sister arrives on Brocca to hunt Cal Kestis, a surviving Jedi Padawan. Sadistically toying with her prey, she ruthlessly kills Cal’s friend, Prauf, before striking. In the attack, Cal is forced to flee, barely escaping, but the hunt has only begun.

SCENE 4: First mention of Trilla

Cere: When the Purge started… Clone Troopers turned against us, my Padwan and I took several Younglings and went into hiding. But… we didn’t last long. Imperial patrol was about to discover our location so… I tried to lure them away from my Padawan, Trilla. She stayed behind with the Younglings. But… they caught me. And they... tortured me. They wanted to know about the others and… How many were left but mostly they wanted to know about… Cordova. And where he went.

Cal: But you escaped.

Cere: Yeah, it was a prison riot. I saw my opportunity and I took it. But they almost broke me… And I am not the same as I was, Cal.

Cal: Your Padawan… did she survive?

Cere: No.

DATABANK: Cere Junda - 3. Cere’s Padawan

Cere shares an awful memory about her past. During the Jedi Purge, she was captured and tortured by the Empire. She was able to escape, but her Padawan was not so lucky. Years later, the event has left her scarred and reluctant to use the Force.

SCENE 5: Imperial excavation

Second Sister: Cal Kestis. How predictable. Oh, yes. I know your name… Your past… And most importantly, about Cordova… Tell me, where did you hide the Holocron?

Second Sister (after Cal ignites his lightsaber): Outstanding.

(Shield scene after the fight)

Second Sister: You’re learning. Not quite as gifted as Cere’s last apprentice but not bad.

Cal: You’ve been keeping count.

Second Sister: I’m surprised she didn’t tell you. Cere was never good at keeping secrets.

Cal: And you know her so well, huh?

Second Sister: (laughs) She was weak. Cracked at an Imperial torture chair. Surrendered the location of her naive Padawan. They would never have found me… (removes helmet) If it wasn’t for her. (tosses helmet to the ground) She betrayed me.

Cal: You’re Trilla.

Trilla: In the flesh.

Cal (turning away): I won’t let you manipulate me.

Trilla: So sure, are you? When faced with the choice to protect herself or her Padawan, she chose self-interest. She’ll sell you out too.

Cal (turning back): Well, I can handle myself.

Trilla: Can you afford to take that chance? Your new master harbors great darkness. The look on her face when she saw what they had done to me. As I am now. She turned. Exposing her true nature. She used… the dark side.

Cal: She cut herself off from the Force.

Trilla: Oh? How long before she cracks and betrays you too? Is that who you want beside you when you find the holocron? What would Jaro Tapal say?

Cal: You have no right to mention his name!

Trilla: I wonder… What would he think if he could see his Padawan now?

Cal grunts and comes closer.

Trilla: Skulking in the shadows with a betrayer. Granting her access to a legion of impressionable students.

Cal: No. I won’t let anyone touch them.

Trilla: (turning away) I thought the same thing once.

DATABANK: The Second Sister - 2. Cere’s Padawan

The Second Sister revealed that she was once Cere’s Padawan, Trilla, whose location Cere gave up under Imperial torture. Trilla was found by the Empire and transformed into an Inquisitor.

SCENE 6: comm link conversations on Miktrull

Comm I.

Cal: I found it. But… Cere, why didn’t you tell me?

Trilla: Because she’s a liar.

Cal: You! How?

Trilla: I rerouted communication the moment you tried to contact her. Slicing encrypted transmissions was always a pastime of hers. She taught me once. There’s no technique Cere has that I haven’t perfected.

Comm II.

Trilla: You’re running out of time.

Cal: For what?

Trilla: My scouts located an artifact of interest at the rear of this tomb. Even now I’m studying, learning his secrets. It seems Cordova was rather taken with these Zeffo. Perhaps enough to hide the holocron amongst their bones.

Cal: Yeah, we’ll see how much you learn.

Comm III.

Trilla: More of my soldiers breach this tomb every minute.

Cal: Afraid to face me yourself?

Trilla: Had your droid not intervened, I would have killed you with ease.

BD-1: BEEP!

Cal: It’s okay, buddy. Just ignore her.

Comm IV.

Trilla: Imagine the artifacts the Empire would’ve missed if it weren’t for your intervention on this backwater planet.

Cal: Sure it’s worth the cost? I hear Project Auger came at a high price.

Trilla: Stormtroopers and workers. Expendable resources.

Cal: You’re a monster.

Trilla: I am what Cere made me.

Comm V.

Trilla: I’ve taken the artifact back to my ship for analysis. Pity you couldn’t make it in time.

Cal: Doesn’t matter what you steal. You’ll never understand it.

Trilla: Yet you do?

Cal: You’ll find out soon enough.

Trilla: I’ll take those odds.

Comm VI.

Trilla: I noticed something while examining this sarcophagus. It’s a very convenient location to dispose of nuisances.

Cal: You lured me here. Was this your plan all along?

Trilla: You truly have the wits of a scrapper.

Comm VII.

Trilla: You survived.

Cal: Not part of your plan?

Trilla: Luckily, I always allow for contingencies.

Comm VIII.

Trilla: Very good, Padawan. You’ve cleared the way.

Cal: What are you talking about?

Trilla: (laugh) I needed this tomb raised. And now that I have what I need, you’re of no use to me.

SCENE 7: Discussing Trilla

Cal: I had a nice chat with the Second Sister. Trilla.

Cere: What did she tell you?

Cal: She told me… She told me you betrayed her to the Empire. Is it true?

Cere: She’ll say anything to jeopardize this mission.

Cal: Is it true?!

Cere: She was my apprentice. Before the Purge.

Cal: You should have told me.

SCENE 8: Force Echo on Kashykk

Trilla: Normally I wouldn’t waste my time with the likes of insurgents. But I’m looking for a Jedi Padawan. And I know he’s been here.

SCENE 9: Ninth Sister

Ninth Sister: I don’t know what’s got Second Sister thinking you’re so important… She likes her souvenirs, but… I’m not in it for the memories (...)

SCENE 10: Family dinner on the Mantis

Cal: (...) Things are bad down there.

Cere: Inquisitors?

Cal: Well, Trilla… (corrects himself) The Second Sister… Is gone for now but she’s still chasing us.

(...)

Cere: (describing her capture and torture and how eventually Darth Vader came) In the end I gave them Trilla. And I know there’s nothing I can do to make that right.

DIALOGUE (not sure about the order here)

Cal: I’m not Trilla. I’ll be fine.

SCENE 11: After the temple

Cere: Cal, it’s time I told you everything that happened to me when I escaped the Empire. They brought Trilla in the room. And when I saw her eyes… They showed me what I had caused. She was an Inquisitor. And something in me gave. And I lost all control. I tapped... into the dark side. And I killed them all. Every last one of them. Except for her.

SCENE 12: During the Force vision

Second Sister: Cal Kestis. Surrender now and we may spare the youngest… That’s right. On your knees.

SCENE 13: Finding the Holocron

Cal: Had a bad feeling I’d see you here.

Trilla: Oh? How uncharacteristically prescient of you. Here I thought your greatest virtue was your dogged persistence as you stumble from one debacle to the next.

Cal: Guess you made a mistake not killing me on Bracca then.

Trilla: A scant mercy. I wagered one meaningless Padawan against a prize that will win me the Emperor’s favor.

Cal: You think I’m gonna let you walk away with the holocron?

Trilla: Of course not. We both have our pride. But yours has cost you the lives of all the Force-sensitive children on that list. As well as your own.

Cal: Like you said, Trilla. I’m persistent.

(AFTER THE FIGHT, as Cal grabs her lightsaber)

Trilla: Careful with that thing. It’s been through hell.

SCENE 14: Force echo of Trilla’s lightsaber

Trilla: Don’t go. We need to stick together.

Cere: No. I’m going to lure them away and then I’m going to circle back. Stay with the Younglings, Trilla. May the Force be with you.

Trilla: Master, don’t leave us!

Youngling: Trilla, what’s going to happen?

Trilla: It’s okay. It’s okay.

DATABANK: The Second Sister - 3. An Inquisitor is born

When the Second Sister encounters Cal inside the Vault on Bogano, an unlucky maneuver places her saber in his hands where he witnesses a Force echo of her tragic past. Cal learns Trilla’s history as Cere’s Padawan, including the disturbing details of her capture and transformation into the Second Sister. The revelation leaves Cal momentarily paralyzed, allowing her to steal the holocron.

SCENE 15: inside the Mantis on Bogano

Cal: Cere. I saw what happened. Between you and Trilla. What you both went through. I’m so sorry. I was arrogant, I was foolish. I could never understand what you went through.

Cal: She has a holocron. I don’t know where she’s taking it.

Cere: I’m responsible for the path that Trilla is on. And what she does next is the cost of all of my mistakes.

Cal: Our mistakes… are in the past. And it’s all of our responsibility and it’s about what you do next that’s important. You taught me that, Cere.

Cere: You’re right. I know where she’s taking it. There’s a fortress. Where they take Jedi. Where the Inquisitors come from. It’s a place of torture.

SCENE 16: Fortress Inquisitorius

Cal: Trilla. I saw what you’ve been through. You’ve experienced great suffering. It’s not too late to let it go.

Trilla: Let go? I’m stronger now because of the pain.

Trilla: I knew you’d come back for this. No thank you? You’ll never make it out of this place alive.

(They fight; Cal injures her shoulder and she falls to her knees. Cere shows up.)

Cere: It’s over, Trilla.

Trilla: Nothing is ever truly over.

Cere: This fight is over. I know the darkness that is eating you up inside and every day we choose to either feed it or fight it.

Trilla: It’s too late, Cere.

Cere: No. It’s not. I know the choices that I made took all your choices away. And I have failed you, Trilla. I failed you. And I’m so very sorry.

Trilla: I’ve carried so much hate for you.

Trilla (When Darth Vader strikes her down): Avenge us.

BATTLE DIALOGUE: You can’t run forever. / That was nothing. / No. / A poor show of skill. / That was slow. / I’m the superior fighter. / Your demise draws nearer. / I’ve suffered far worse. / This is too easy. / Oh, so close. / You’ll have to do better. / Know your place. / You can’t win.

#second sister #trilla suduri #jfo #star wars: jedi fallen order #star wars jedi fallen order #jedi fallen order #jfo spoilers #mine

19 notes · View notes

ramblingguy54 · 5 years

Text

Lemme Let You All In On Something

Inspired by @beaglelover62‘s post about DuckTales helping (2017) those through rough times. I’ll leave the link here below for all to check out, if you haven’t come across this post yet.

https://beaglelover62.tumblr.com/post/187179198864/ive-been-inspired-by-a-few-shared-stories-as-of

Whatever Happened To Della Duck is a truly beautiful episode to be sure, showcasing a mother’s undying determination in getting back to her family, despite the harsh many factors stacked against this determined duck. It left a serious impact on me emotionally, easily ranking it high up on my list of favorite DuckTales (2017) episodes for introducing Della into the TV’s adaptation franchise with such phenomenal execution. However, what I especially praise about this episode is how inspiring it can be to others who suffer through very tough times. People need role models in fiction like this to look up to, naturally, as another way to better cope in their unfortunate situations in life.

That was basically how it helped me better cope in dealing with not only my depression, which I’ve had for the past several years or so, but it also gave me a new positive perspective when I tackled those awful anxiety tremors at the tail end of 2018. To give a better context to this, besides depression I’ve dealt with having an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) where I can’t relax if I see something that isn’t in order, like say cleaning anything particular for example. It’s hard for me to simply take it easy a great number of times because my mind is hollering saying, “Do this now! You can’t relax until it’s fixed! It has to be perfect!”. Not to mention when I’m analyzing stuff this OCD can cause me to keep re-thinking what I’ve already concluded on in terms of my opinions and it’s beyond freaking obnoxious. I’m no stranger to anxiety attacks either, as they happened quite a great amount in my childhood where I couldn’t control myself because I didn’t obviously understand what was going on internally at the time. Although I’ve had experience before with anxiety attacks, tremors on the other hand I wasn’t prepared to face at all in early December of last year. It was terrifying because I had no control of my mind going a million miles per hour, on top of my body already shaking furiously off and on. My heart felt like it was going to explode outta my chest, considering how insanely fast it was pumping. OCD + Anxiety = One hell of an awful time, being a huge factor in what caused me to have this nervous breakdown where I was consistently panicking. Thankfully, I soon got a medication prescribed which helped me recover from that awful state of mind and have been feeling much better by mid-January of this year ever since.

This story of mine ties back into the massive weight surrounding Della’s situation. She’s in such an highly anxiety inducing situation of having no family, friends, losing one of her legs in the ship crash, going through a Lord knows how awfully painful physical healing/rehabilitation process with her robotic leg, and the cherry on top of all this crap being without social contact toward any living thing. Della Duck suffered without any real social connections for 10 WHOLE YEARS straight. She only has her thoughts to keep herself company in this terrible predicament, which no doubt were looping furiously in Della’s mind all those days spent on rebuilding the Spear Of Selene. It’s honestly amazing Della was able to keep her sanity throughout those many passing hours in that cold painful solitude on the Moon. Many people would’ve been driven to the point of insanity of being alone for that long, but not Della Duck in all of her endearing charm. The thoughts of once again seeing Scrooge, Donald, and reuniting with her triplets was enough determination, of course, to fight back against that severity of her current issues. There’s a lot of symbolism I found here akin to OCD, like say with Della’s thoughts of regret for unintentionally leaving her kids on Earth never leaving her mind, no matter how hard she tried to tune that irrational voice of her’s out on focusing toward the bigger picture of getting back home to make up for all that lost time. Despite putting on a such a cheery headstrong attitude, it’s all of course a facade masking Della’s depression and compulsive thoughts deep down.

Della has a low self-esteem for making the decision to hop onto the Spear of Selene and getting torn away from everyone/everything she loved in life. Anytime I look back on this scene where Della drops the headstrong nature for a split second with tears running down her face, these words just write themselves showing Della’s real inner thoughts.

If I hadn’t made the decision to take that rocket, I could’ve been much happier and better off. I don’t deserve to even call myself a mother. I’m a terrible person for not being by my kids side when they were born and helping them grow up. Della, you’re such an idiot...

Regardless of all that self-hatred and doubt though, Della persevered against it because she knew there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk at this current point. Della knows she deserves to be happy and back at home with her family again, so continues working on rebuilding every piece of the rocket ship.

She put every fiber of her being, mind, and soul into learning the fundamentals of understanding how to properly create a rocket ship. All for the sake of one simple important thing...

Family.

Throughout every day of what seemed like a “solitary confinement” on the Moon Della never once let her mind falter from what she was doing it all for. Even though Della has low self-esteem, struggling with depression among this compulsive internal belittling of herself, she never allows that to break her iron will in accomplishing what needs to be done.

Granted, she sacrifices the key of her gold tooth in poetic fashion to help calm down a Moon Mite mother and her baby, but that is more than rewarded in return by the Moon Landers’ helping her rebuild the rocket once more. After all the years of hardship she had to endure alone, Della finally is able to set out back to Earth instead of just viewing it from afar.

Not gonna lie, every time I look at this shot of Della breaking out into tears saying, “I’m coming boys! Mom is coming home!”, it always chokes me up. This is an individual who has been to put it bluntly, shit on by life hardcore for the past 10 years straight never being able to catch a break in getting home until now. Della, much like her twin bro Donald, has been dealt an awful unlucky hand with how much she had to endure on her own for so long, getting traumatized in certain emotional aspects from all that experience on the Moon.

You can damn well bet my emotions were overflowing, like a waterfall, when Nothing Can Stop Della Duck premiered back in the May bomb of episodes. I’m surprised by how quickly they brought Della into the fray because I genuinely believed they were going to hold off for awhile, until much later down the road, like say Season 3 or something. However, I’m beyond glad they didn’t because, besides shaking up the chemistry dynamic of the family by removing Donald temporarily, that hug was so amazing to behold on screen. It’s all kinds of wonderful.

Anytime I think back on that rough anxiety tremor stuff I dealt with, during 2018′s tail end into early January, Della’s story of her hard-headed never say die attitude against immeasurable odds is one all generations should take big notes on. This beautiful story made me feel less alone in my struggles with depression, OCD, and anxiety. Seeing Della never give up because her family was always there for her in spirit hit me in the heart real good. Much like how it was for me when my family, most notably my mother, who helped me through those anxiety tremors that hit me like a meteor. Also, knowing Della will still struggle with trying to be a better mother figure adds a real layer of humanity to the story, reminding people that just because you’ve gotten better doesn’t mean you’re outta those woods yet. Della’s story is a perfect representation on life overall because it’s okay to still have problems and not feel weighed down by them too. You’ll always have loved ones there to back you up when you’re feeling like dirt. I still struggle with anxiety, depression, and OCD every day, even though I’m not in that terrible state of mind anymore, but my family has always helped me through this when it counts.

So with all that said, please remember to think of this message when you’re feeling very down on your own self-worth.

If Della Duck can overcome not only her emotional insecurities, but the large void of space and solitude that came with it for a decade, then I should be able to handle my own baggage with this same attitude.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this story of an experience from my life and how DuckTales 2017′s story center around Della inspired a more positive outlook for me in the future. Feel free to share your own perspectives in the comments if you’re feeling up for it!

#della duck #ducktales 2017 #ducktales #whatever happened to della duck #ducktales season 2 #my life experience #relatable #huey dewey and louie #scrooge mcduck #donald duck #ducktales 2k17

48 notes · View notes

studentlulu · 5 years

Photo

Disclaimer: Everything that I have written about is completely true and happened to me within the 2017-2018 year. I wrote all of this as not only a way of coping with what has happened to me, but to come to terms with and helping me understand the difficulties and challenges I went through in the past two years. I did not do this because I sought attention or for any other self-serving narcissistic purposes. If you have read through this completely and have any questions for me or want to learn more, please feel free to personally message me and I will answer your questions to the best of my ability. In addition, after you have read this through, if you feel like commenting, please leave only positive comments. Please refrain from leaving any negative comments.

My journey to college graduation has been a long and difficult one, full of twists, turns, and bumps along the way. I entered into the University of California Irvine (UCI) as a Freshman in Sept. 2014 and fully intended to finish in Jun. 2018. That would have been the plan if things had worked out perfectly well. However, as we all know, things never go perfectly well, especially not with life.

Sure enough, I was diagnosed with stomach cancer in spring during my junior year in 2017. It was devastating news beyond comprehension. I was so scared. I was only 20! There were so much things I wanted to do! I want to explore the world and I even planned to study abroad in Singapore that year! I want to eat different cuisines from around the world! I want to do so much more! Now with this news, all of this has abruptly stopped! Everything became dire uncertainty. What do I do? Do I have tomorrow? How long? How do I tell everyone? Who do I tell? Most of all, how do I cope? My mind went ballistic! My family was by my side when I found out, and we promised that we would get through this together.

We discussed treatment options with my doctors and decided that I should go through one round of chemo, surgery, recovery, and then one final round of chemo. Each chemo round was four appointments and would require me to come to UCSF Medical Center. Due to the rigorous treatment plan, it was decided that I would have to postpone school till I finished treatment and recovery. It was a very difficult decision, but it was the only way to deal with the condition. So, I contacted the Bio Sci School of Affairs Office and told them about my predicament, and requested to postpone my education and enrollment until further notice. Thankfully, they were quite understanding and informed me that they would readmit me back to school whenever I was ready.

Chemotherapy left me tired, nauseous, moody, and grumpy. It also left me very cold-sensitive and UV-sensitive. Starting with my second infusion of chemotherapy, my hair fell out. I slowly became bald and I hated my look. I loathed the fact of losing my stomach even more! I love food! Without my stomach, how can I eat? What can I eat? How can I go to school or go on with life without my stomach? Of course, not to mention the unimaginable constant need of going to toilet! After the pre-surgery chemo was done, I then had the surgery to remove my stomach in early October 2017. I was hospitalized for more than two weeks for that procedure. Recovery from surgery was extremely difficult. I was not allowed to eat what I wanted nor as much. I had to mentally force myself to ignore my hunger feelings as my brain needed time to adjust to the fact that there is no stomach to store food. I had to eat ¼ the portion of a normal adult meal. This proved to be arduous because I love food and love to eat. In fact, when I was healthy, I could eat as many portions as I wanted and sometimes, I would finish others’ leftovers. Wasting food is a crime, I believed that. In addition, in Chinese culture, it was considered respectful and a sign of appreciation to be able to eat as many portions as you could. I couldn’t do that anymore with a smaller stomach size. What if others who did not know about my condition became misinformed and thought I was eating less and being disrespectful? With this new body, I totally resented the fact that I could no longer eat as much because I equated it as I would no longer able to enjoy food! Recovery was very painful; and I hated the “heathy” but very bland food that I had to eat. What is there to look forward to when I could not even enjoy the most basic thing in life: eating? Life seemed bleaker at every moment passed. Only the constant encouragements from parents and others kept me going, but barely without passion.

Another chemotherapy soon went underway after surgery. This time around, my physical reactions were worse, and my mental stage sunk even lower. I developed dry heaving. I could not stop scratching my skin, I was extremely tired and fatigued, sometimes unwilling to leave the bed, and there were times I did not want to take in or even eat food because the mere sight of it made me ill. Then, on Dec. 19, 2017, during what was supposed to be my second fusion of chemotherapy during my final round of chemo regiment, something went terribly wrong. I went into anaphylactic shock due to negative reactions to chemotherapy. I could hear my younger brother (chemo treatment center only allowed one relative staying with patient) franticly calling me, and I could barely hear my nurse called out “Code Blue” before I lost consciousness on the treatment chair! When I faintly regained my consciousness, I felt heavy stuff on my chest. I believed that it must had been my unconscious will to live that kept me alive. Or perhaps the prayers from parents and my families had kept me alive. Or perhaps it was not my time to die yet.

I was extremely fortunate that I was under the care of the world-class doctors, nurses, and other medical professions at UCSF Medical Center, because they revived and saved me. I woke up in the emergency unit after 4:30 pm with my parents on my bedside. I had been out for at least six hours. I wound up staying in the hospital for observations and treatments for two days. IV chemo treatment was discontinued after that; and the doctors prescribe another form of chemo treatment for me.

I went back to school after completing treatment during spring break in April 2018. I wanted to go back to school so badly for a change of venue and for a more “hopeful” environment. A familiar place where I thought I had better control of life. After all, I had been in a school environment all my life. Ironically, as I started back to school, it was ending for many others. As everyone else was enjoying their spring breaks, I was slowly readjusting back to school. It felt weird to be returning to school towards the end of the quarter. School was so quite. I got new roommates who were very friendly though. For that, I was grateful for their kindness.

I found it very hard to stay off social media and see everyone else’s progress. I was supposed to be part of the graduating class of 2018 that quarter, but I couldn’t. Facebook was the worst place because many of my classmates and friends were posting their graduation pictures. I would read their posts or look them over and I would feel terribly inadequate afterwards because I was not to part of that graduating class which I had set my heart and my mind to be a part of. I felt like a big failure. I failed! That was the only two words that occupied my mind. I fell into darkness.

To prevent myself from feeling worse I tried my best to stay as far away social media as I could. I would call and text my parents, often in tears, asking whether I could have done better or been better to graduate on time like everyone else. They would often reassure me that I had (a) done my very best, (b) that everyone finishes college at their own pace, (c) there’s no rule saying that I had to finish college in four years, (d) that I went through something extraordinary that most people could not comprehend, and (e) that I could reach out to medical professions or my trusted relatives or friends to seek their opinions. To my parents, I stood up to cancer and I won! Such accomplishment and my life are worth every bit of celebration! I should be very proud of what I went through and had achieved. Sometimes their comforts worked and made me feel better; but more often they did not because I felt that my parents were not me and could never understand what I had gone through. Talking to my therapist and sometimes my cousin D (who was also a licensed therapist) temporarily helped me to sort through my feelings, as it seemed to be a safe place to open up and freely express myself emotionally.

However, no matter what, I still had to live with my new physical form. I hated this new me: missing organ, patched up body, and no amount of time would ever restore it!

Summer rolled in. It was much worse for me than spring. During the summer I was trying to find employment while living on my own. The long periods of unemployment dragged me down to spiral back into the same emotional depression I faced in spring. I started to question my self-worth and believed that because I did not finish school on time, I was stuck here as a failure, forced to finish school late, or attempted to finish school now, while my classmates graduated and moved on with their lives. I was stuck in a negative emotional spiral; and the worst part of it was that it was self-inflicted. At that time, I didn’t see it, and couldn’t get myself out of it. It was a negative self-hatred cycle, one that I found comforting and validating in its own twisted sort of way because it was the one thing that was being truthful to me in my life. I felt that everyone else, including my mom, stepdad, cousins, and friends, knew nothing about what I had gone through personally. I felt like they did not truly mean what they said about being proud of me and loving me. Even worse, I had forgotten what a champion and fighter I had felt like completing chemo and cancer treatments. What I had gone through no longer felt like an accomplishment worth celebrating, but a laborious task that anyone could have done or gone through. It was no longer impressive. Instead of saying to myself, You went through something terrible and came out of it a stronger person, I found myself saying instead, So what you went through chemotherapy and finished your cancer treatment? Thousands of people do that every day. You’re nothing special. YOU’RE not special but a failure!

The negative self-hate caused me to cut off contact with loved ones, even my immediate family. My mother tried very hard to keep contacting me and was concerned for my well-being. Once, when she called me to ask me why I hadn’t spoken to her in a long time, I finally managed to choke out, “I don’t want to talk to you because I’m angry and I hate myself, mommy. I hate myself and want to end it! I don’t want to talk to you about it or let you know. You would never understand!” My mother would respond, “Your feelings are always yours and no one can truly feel exactly. However, please note that you are loved and not alone. We are here for you, always! Just let anyone know that you are around or reach out to anyone you trust. That’s okay. You had been so brave to go through so much in your young life. Every bit of your life is worth in solid gold!” Of course, I could not listen to her. I cut her off and took her out of my contacts. That’s how deep I was in my own dark world! Without me knowing it, Mom never gave up on me and had clever ways to send encouraging words to me. Today, in my clear conscience, I cannot imagine the amount of anguish my mother must had in hearing her own daughter said she hated herself.

I ceased having social interactions with others because I did not want to be around others who, I saw and viewed, as not supporting me and my thoughts. The few times I did speak with others I sometimes got into emotional outbursts. I wound up treating my mom and others as emotional punching bags, venting out my angers or more negative emotions on them. At times, I would even text them to tell them that I found life unbearable and not worth living, and that I wanted to end my life. My behaviors were so reckless but I was not in the right mindset to realize them. I was in such a deep depression stage and only focusing on all the terrible things. I learned later that my suicidal threats made my mother go into emotional breakdowns and become physically ill. God, what hell I had put my mom through! I regret such awful behaviors! If only I knew what I know now. I am sorry.

What finally pulled me out of that negative spiral for good was my witness in person to my mom’s unconditional love. In September 2018, I came home for my follow-up doctors’ appointments. My parents sat me down and had a heart-to-heart talk with me. We talked about things and addressed my negative spiraling emotions. My mother looked me in the eye and told me that she could not believe what I had said or even considered giving up on living. “Life is precious,” she said, “please take good care of it, and always carry a grateful heart!” Especially since my dad went through the same thing and so much worse, yet he never gave up and fought to the end. He was a true fighter. In addition, my mother’s boss has a daughter, in my age, who went through the same thing, but she never gave up. In fact, she was now in Africa doing volunteer work. As we talked, I learned of the efforts my mom and stepdad made behind the scenes to keep me well. I could see and feel mom’s passions for life and for me as she held back her tears. I saw for the first time in person how my actions and words had deeply hurt her. I could see how much my life meant to her, and I will always be precious to her and a part of her. I could see how I had misunderstood my parents. My struggles were their struggles, plus much more. I’m a survivor and indeed I should be proud of it!

I decided that it was time to change. I changed how I saw things and decided that I would only focusing on positive thoughts instead. I changed my perceptions of my new body. I shifted my focus on the bad things happened to me to how I can use my story to inspire others. I changed my mindset about future outlook of my life. God has given me many chances to live, that’s got to mean something. I am intended to find my purpose in life. I will keep trying my best and never give up.

It’s been two years since the initial diagnosis and over a year since I finished treatment. I haven’t shared my story publicly until now because of many reasons, but mostly fear of criticism from others. However, it is my life, and it is my story. As time passes, I have gained more confidence and strength in myself. More importantly, I am here today because I have so many giants standing behind and supporting me. I owe it to them, all of those unsung heroes, to share my story as an upcoming UCI Class of 2019 graduate. And no, I did not graduate late, I graduated just right on time.

Acknowledgement and Thanks: I would like to thank my mom, stepdad, brother, and both sides of my family for their love and support during the difficult times in my life. I would also like to thank Dr. Korn, Dr. Nakakura, Ms. Renee Wang, Nurse Lana Taran, Dr. Jaime Cohen, and the rest of the medical teams and staff at UCSF Mission Bay Hospital. You are literally my life-savers! At UCI, I would like to thank the Bio Sci Student Affairs Office for being very understanding of my situation, allowing me to take time off to recover, and allowing me to re-enroll again after I regained my health. Thanks to Mr. Cheng Ko at the DSC Office for registering me with important resources on campus, as well as helping me get reacquainted and readjusted with school after I returned. Thanks to Ms. Sheena Danesh for helping me find important resources to use when I first got diagnosed, such as the DSC, and when I returned to school. Also, thank you for helping me with the multiple doctors’ appointments that I had to attend. I would also like to thank Ms. Adelí Duron and Jane Killer at the VSC for their support and understanding, as well as answering any questions I had about financial aid. I would also like to thank Dr. Eldridge and the UCI Counseling Center for seeing me for the past two years since my diagnosis and upon return from treatments. Thank you for providing me with a safe and secure place for opening up emotionally and tools to deal with my stress. Finally, to the countless unnamed friends, people, and others along the way who helped me or motivated me along the way. I could not have gone through this alone.

Thank you so much.

Love,

LuLu

51 notes · View notes

chubbyooo · 5 years

Text

Blurred Lines : Chapter 3 - Ashara

yay chapter 3 continuing the plot line in chapter one, this one’s a long one

Kyradia talks to an old friend (i wonder who it could be *looks at title*) and has to face some of her own flaws

As Ashara turned around her face turned from a calm smile to a frown. “Kyradia how did you get this contact this is supposed to be for emergencies only” she looked furious no wonder to be honest.

emergencies? Kavaraa had failed to tell her about that context, oh god what was she supposed to say this was all a big mistake she didn’t know what to do but she had to say something Ashara was just stood there looking all angry, hands on her hips those narrowed eyes like Kyradia had just suggested a crazy plan.

“well” she said impatiently Kyradia realized she had been silent for over thirty seconds.

“um hi Ashara i uh just wanted to um first of all apologize for what happened on Voss” oh god why was this so hard Kyradia had given speeches to the galaxy before, this was her old apprentice once one of her greatest friends oh right that’s why, she cared a lot more about Asharas opinion.

“oh really you wan’t to apologize now, you seemed pretty clear on your opinion back on Voss” Ashara said her face was all angry and scrunched up god this was gonna be a hard sell.

“yeah i wasn’t really thinking straight at the time and i made a mistake i’m really sorry” that seemed good right, it was the truth after all.

“you tried to SHOCK me” she said raising her voice oh god yep there it is, is there any way to salvage this Kyradia thought, her mind was racing as she tried to think of ways to justify her actions as anything other than cruel which it really was “give me one good reason why i shouldn’t hang this call up right now” oh god it’s do or die just say what you’re thinking be honest.

Kyradia sighed here we go “look... i get jealous of good people they make me feel like i’m inadequate and that i can’t become better. I�� take it out on them instead of realizing i’m angry at myself” is the truth working Ashara was listening but still seemed angry “and when i saw you so grown up and like a proper Jedi i felt like you had outgrown me and didn’t need me anymore. I didn’t want to lose you so i tried to bring you down to my level by trying to expose your flaws and in turn that made me lose you” wow i don’t think i even knew that about myself before now she thought “i understand if you want to hang up this call and never speak to me again but i needed closure” she paused “that’s one of the reasons i called”

Ashara seemed taken aback her eyes were wide and she no longer seemed so mad “i uh i didn’t realize you felt like that” she looked away from Kyradia holding her arm “how do i know you’re not just trying to manipulate me again”

Kyradia knew the only way to get he to believe her was to let her choose “because if you hang up now i wont pursue it any further I've made my peace i hope you understood it but it’s up to you not me” Ashara actually looked like she smiled for just a second oh thank god for the first time during the call Kyradia relaxed.

“ i’m sorry i judged you so harshly on Voss i didn’t mean to make you feel bad i honestly hoped you’d be proud of me” Ashara looked kinda embarrassed this must be fixed immediately Kyradia thought suddenly knowing exactly what to say.

“ok you have nothing to be sorry about this is entirely my fault and of course i’m proud of you, look at you your everything you ever wanted to be how could i not be proud” at that Ashara went red and looked away clearly overwhelmed .

“thanks master” she said with a shy smile.

“no please don’t call me master call me Kyradia or Ky if you’re so inclined” Kyradia grinned she felt the best she felt in weeks ever since Ossus she couldn’t get these things off her mind her head finally felt clear.

“ok Kyradia” Ashara said rather stnted and awkward “you said this wasn’t the only reason you called” Ashara had sat down now her calm warm smile had returned, Kyradia hadn’t seen that in 7 years. But now she had to go back into the less positive stuff.

“right well i made a similar mistake recently with a close friend she got angry at me for making a bad call and i retaliated” Kyradia put her head in her hands as she talked “now we’re not talking”

“ok i see, but what does this have to do with me” Ashara looked stern again Kyradia hoped this hadn’t put her off.

“i think i need someone to tell me when to stop, i don’t want this to happen again” Kyradia said she hated having to admit weakness, she was supposed to be the leader of the alliance not a nervous wreck “and you seem perfect for that, also i miss your company”

“so you need me” Ashara seemed guarded again maybe come on a bit less strong Ky show her you’ve changed.

“look i’m not going to force you into anything but i would like to show you I've changed so if we could talk in person on Odessen maybe you could help me with those jedi skills of yours” Kyradia really wanted to catch up more than anything but she did need help as well.

“ok fine but i will be on my guard i’ll see you then” Ashara said as she ended the call. Kyradia sat there for a minute contemplating what just happened thank god she understood best get dressed got a Jedi to meet.

Kyradia sat at the Odessen bar hands on her drink tapping the glass furiously she was way too nervous about this, the hard part was over now just to prove you’re a better person.

She felt a tap on her shoulder that shocked her into jumping out her seat, is she here yet? once she focused she saw it was Lana.

“commander are you alright” she said with her eyebrow raised.

“yeah totally fine great how are you” Kyradia leaned on the bar trying to look normal Lana looked thoroughly unimpressed.

“fine, we had a distress call from Kavaraas temple on Yavin 4 and need someone to look into it” oh of course she had to go do something .

“i’m kinda busy right now i’m meeting back up with my old apprentice” Kyradia said with a sigh.

“well i’m afraid we have no one else how can look into it and i think you owe it to her” damn it why was she always right, stupid sensible Lana.

“fine i’ll look into it” no point in arguing with Lana she knows what’s best and she’d almost definitely win the argument.

“good luck with your apprentice” Lana said with a half smile before leaving promptly.

Kyradia went back to sitting for another fifteen minutes before she saw the blue and white lekku of Ashara come through the door she quickly waved her over.

“um hi” Ashara said quietly man what’s the best way to make this not awkward.

“how have you been it feels like forever since we were on the fury” start small yes good easy don’t push it.

“well I’ve mostly been okay after you were captured we all tried our best to find where you were, we did that for about a year, well at least me and Andronikous everyone else kinda disappeared once they gave up on a quick rescue”

“i’m aware of them don’t worry i’m glad you two stayed” she leaned in “you were always my favorite” Kyradia smiled this wasn’t so bad

Ashara chuckled “yeah i know i don’’t think you were that subtle with that” what i thought they couldn’t tell damn gotta be more sneaky “anyway after a while the search was getting to me i was more vicious and stubborn i realised i needed to take some time away to remove the darkness that was building inside me so i had to leave Andronikous which didn’t exactly go down well” i can imagine that man never stopped searching Kyradia thought “he said i was cowardly but i knew i had to go then i studied peace and serenity on Voss until you found me years later” Ashara frowned “since then I've been trying to do what i can to help people.

Kyradia felt bad but thought not to press it right now “well i’d tell you how I've been but 5 years in carbonite and then 2 years documented by the whole galaxy so you probably already know”

Ashara chuckled again “yeah I've been keeping up with your exploits” she said with a smile “thank you for saving everyone i knew you were capable of it” Kyradia smiled but felt a bit somber

“i’ll be honest i was just doing it because i was angry at Arcann and wanted revenge for Marr but i kinda learned a lot along the way” She said half smiling

Ashara gave a smile “i think it was more than just that you had something to fight for you lost something you cared about and knew that what happened was wrong.” damn forgot how good she was at reading her

“sooooo is there anyone else you’ve met along the way” Kyradia gave Ashara a friendly nudge if this didn’t diffuse the tension nothing would

Ashara went bright red as she said that “what? i mean um no i dunno i’m uh a Jedi i” she contiuned to fumble for about thirty seconds while Kyradia gave a evil smile

“you’re messing with me aren't you” Ashara said glaring as Kyradia

“ hehe maybe” Kyradia said this had been great she hadn’t felt this positive in ages it’s a shame she had work to do “i’m sorry to cut this sort but i have to go investigate some distress on Yavin IV, something at a jedi temple” Kyradia was hoping that Ashara would offer to help considering those circumstances.

Ashara looked concerned “what’s the danger?”

“not sure could be pretty dangerous i should be able to handle it” cmon reverse psychology

“ok no i’m not letting you go to an unknown danger alone after what you’ve been telling me i’m coming too” yesss it worked

“ok sure i wouldn't mind some company” Ashara narrowed her eyes as Kyradia said that

“that’s what you wanted wasn’t it” Ashara said with a coy smile

“maybe” Kyradia said looking purposefully shifty. In response Ashara pulled Kyradia into a hug “what are you doing” Kyradia said her arms limp unsure what to do

“getting you back” she smiled evilly “i remember you hate hugs, also you seem to have changed so much i’m so pleased” Kyradia felt a little water in her eyes, eeww feelings

“thanks Ashara” she said returning the hug...

#swtor #my swtor #swtor oc #swtor ocs #kyradia #kyradia zandar #ashara zavros #lana beniko #dath marr #fiction #fic #swtor fiction #swtor fic #oc fiction #oc fic #blurred lines #swtor fanfiction

7 notes · View notes

the-marvel-imagines-blog · 5 years

Text

Madness | Chpt. 6

Requests are Open

Chapter Title: “Collateral Damage”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character

Word Count: 4,786

Warnings: hurt/no comfort, Angry!Eva, violence, Angry!Loki

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

A/N: I want to take a moment to apologize for my absence. I’ve had some health problems recently, and within the last couple of weeks, I’ve lost entire days thanks to said problems. I’m finally feeling well enough again to post, but during my time being sick, I’ve managed to come up with quite a bit of content. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying what I’m writing. Even if not every chapter is you cup of tea, it means a lot to see that people are leaving likes, messaging me, reblogging, etc.! Please note that I have taken and will be taking a lot of creative liberties pertaining to these characters. This will be shown in excess during the upcoming chapters, so I just wanted to give a bit of a warning. There are some timeline changes, character changes, etc. Once again, thank you so much for reading. I love you all <3

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

“Looks like you lost,” I dictated as I dragged him down the stairs to the dungeons. My entire body felt like it was on fire, but it didn’t stop the shiver from running down my spine at the thought of what he was capable of. Ezra showed us something none of us could’ve expected. He was skilled in ways that we were unprepared for, ways I didn’t even know could exist. I still trembled at the thought of my slain comrades-members of Odin’s kingsguard-rising and fighting against us. The more people of ours Ezra killed, the more people he had fighting for him. The battle was unfair and horrific, but we still won even after members of the kingsguard forced Odin away from the situation. Ezra had surrendered after we had gotten him onto his knees. My sword had been pressed against his throat, and all I needed to do was give it one swift motion to kill him. I couldn’t, though.

There was something that kept me from killing him, but I had no idea what it was. Maybe it was the familiarity in those green eyes or the endless knowledge he seemed to have about me. Still, my decision to keep him alive could be useful in the future of Asgard. He was another enemy who would be a prisoner in the dungeons, a man we could retrieve information from. He snickered at me, “you may have won, but what did it cost you?” he asked, glancing down at the wound on my abdomen.

I ignored his comment, feeling the pain radiating from the wound. During the battle, he had taken a swing at Ephinea, a blow I did my best to protect her from. I had pushed her back and tried to put as much distance between him and I as possible, but it wasn’t enough. My sword blocked his axe, and while I struggled to disarm him, I was unaware of the dagger he pulled out until he buried it in my abdomen. The dagger cut right through my training armor-which had not been suitable for battle-and pierced into my flesh. I had not yet seen it, but a piece of me was convinced it was nothing while the rational part of myself was sure it was something much more than I was prepared to deal with. If I could still walk, I was fine.

Behind Ezra and I were the remaining members of the kingsguard who did not sustain significant injuries as well along with Ephinea, Sif, and the warriors three. Thor had taken to the throne room with his father to discuss what would come next. Everyone in the dungeons was silent when they saw the crowd of warriors that it took to secure the newest prisoner. They watched us in a stunned silence, including Loki. I avoided all eye contact with the God of Mischief, still hurt by his actions an entire week ago. While I wished for an empty cell anywhere else in the dungeons, the only free one was directly across from Loki’s, which would undoubtedly cause me to worry much more than I should have. The cells were practically impenetrable, and even if Ezra managed to break free of his cell, there would be no real reason for him to go after Loki.

As we stood in front of his cell, he turned to face me as I spoke, “this is gonna be your new home. I don’t know where you came from or what you knew before this, but you won’t be going back there anytime soon. You said you haven’t seen a sunrise for more than 300 years?” I asked, and he nodded his head, a grin forming on his lips in anticipation for what I was about to say, “well, be prepared to wait another 300 because you aren’t getting out of here for a long time,” I growled, glaring up at him and his apathetic expression. It was as if he had no remorse at all for the lives he had taken, like the entire battle before this meant nothing to him. His reaction was sickening.

He cocked one of his thick eyebrows, “you have a fire within you that you try to ignore, pet, but you can’t hide it from me,” he replied before lunging forward and attacking my lips with his. It shocked me at first, but I leaned into it after a moment, realizing that I could use it to my advantage. Everyone around us who was there to ensure his safe transportation to his cell was left in shock, but they always knew that I had a plan. My lips molded together with his thick ones, and while I was disgusted to be kissing the man who just killed so many of my people, I knew that this was going to work out in my favor. While Ezra was distracted by the kiss, I eased one of my daggers from its sheath at my side and reached behind him before sinking it into his lower back.

He sucked in a sharp breath, disconnecting our lips. His face distorted in pain, and his chest rumbled as I pulled the dagger from his body, twisting it in the process. Once it was out, I dropped it on the ground behind him and reached into the small pouch on my belt to pull out one of the tracking devices I always carried with me. In one swift motion, I shoved two of my fingers into the wound to deposit the tracking device as deeply as possible. He grunted and twisted to break free of my grasp, but I would not release him. I released the tracking device once I was sure it was embedded deep enough that he could not feel it and dig it out on his own. When I finally removed my fingers, I rested my hand against his wound and focused all of my energy on transferring it over to myself. That was the one downfall of my healing power. I was unable to heal someone without transferring their wounds onto myself. While he was not worthy of my help, I couldn’t leave the wound open for fear that he would just pull the device out. Now, it he wanted to take it out, he would have to cut himself open and dig for it.

As the wound transferred to myself, I gritted my teeth, but nothing could compare to the wound on my abdomen. It was like if one had been stabbed by Surtur himself, a scraped knee could never compare to it, so the pain was far more tolerable. Once I finished healing his wound, I glared up at him, “you’re going to have a lot of time to think while you’re down here, and that’s all you get to do. If you move, I’ll know about it. If you speak, I’ll know about it. If you have any thoughts about breaking out of your cell, I will know about it. I didn’t kill you today because I believe in second chances. If you fail to cooperate or if you become a threat to anyone I know or love, I will not hesitate to kill you,” I growled at him.

He nodded his head, “my execution would be against the Allfather’s wishes. It’s a beautiful sentiment-it truly is-but...tell me, pet, how will you protect the two people you love most when one is here and one is on Midgard?” he asked, referencing her once more.

My eyes widened, and he smirked at the look of dread that was clear on my face. I saw my reflection in his eyes and saw a girl who had everything to lose, someone who had lost so much already. As my protective instincts kicked in, I grew furious that he even put their safety in question. I pulled my fist back and landed a hard punch against his cheek. When his head snapped to the side to accommodate the blow, I swiped his feet out from under him to bring him down to the ground. As he caught himself on his knees, I pulled out my other dagger and pressed it against his throat with one hand while I grabbed a fistful of his hair with the other. I squatted down to be at his level, “say it again,” I growled.

He smirked, “and what if I did? What if I threatened them again?” he asked, challenging me, “would you kill me, an unarmed man on his knees? Would you take my life the same way your enemies took your friends life on Vanaheim? You and I both know that you don’t have what it takes,” he hissed, bringing up Hjalmar. My chest tightened, “the only way to save the ones you love so dearly is to accept your destiny, to accept what you’re truly meant to be.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “and what is that?”

“A god,” he answered with a smile as he leaned into my blade against his throat, “just like me.”

I shook my head, my entire body trembling as anger and rage built up in my chest, “I am nothing like you,” I growled, furious that he would even try to compare the two of us. He fought and killed so many of my people and raised them back to be monsters. What was it for? I only fought when it needed to be done. I didn’t seek out confrontation. I fought, and even killed, the few who put the lives of the many at stake, and it always sat with me. The eyes of my victims never left my mind, for I was aware that I had taken someone’s loved one away from them. Ezra showed in the short time I knew him that he was nothing like that. He killed without remorse, and I saw no conflict in his eyes once it was over. We were nothing alike.

He chuckled, “that’s where you’re wrong, pet. You and I are more alike than you know, and that’s how I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that you’ll lose both of them in time,” he said, and my heart felt like it would fall through the floor. How did he know all of my deepest and darkest fears? That was always the one thing that scared me the most: losing the ones I loved. Of course, it was the fear of so many people, but he was able to pull up the two people I cared for more than anything else and use their safety against me, “it’s in your nature. You’ll always lose,” he added.

My chest rose and fell as I struggled to find air. It felt like his threats were taking the air from my lungs, and I felt like I would suffocate. I saw how big a threat he was, but we managed to bring him down together. I didn’t want to imagine what Cul’s entire army could do. Everything had been thrown at us so quickly, as we had no knowledge of who Cul was or that Odin even had an older brother at all. Everything that happened that day just made me feel uncertain of everything. Still, I couldn’t show Ezra that, “and what about you? You’re the man who kneels before me with my dagger against his throat. You lost,” I hissed.

“You’ll need me soon enough,” he remarked, gesturing down to the stab wound on my abdomen that throbbed with a pain I never experienced before. The wound hurt badly enough that it felt like I would be sick from the pain. I had been stabbed before, and the wounds never felt quite like that. Perhaps, it had just been too long, and I forgot the sensation. I shook the thoughts from my mind and focused on him once more as he continued, “and the moment you come to me, begging for my help, is the moment when you’ll finally realize that you are the one who has lost,” he sneered, his eyes cutting right through me. It was like he could see every weakness and insecurity I had.

“If you or anyone else tries hurt the people I care for, you won’t be able to find shelter from the storm I unleash. You don’t want to make me an enemy,” I threatened him.

He shook his head as if he was disappointed in me, and I furrowed my eyebrows. When his eyes finally met mine once more, he snickered to himself, “you speak like a warrior, but there is no true weight in your words. I know-as well as you do-that you would never pose a threat to the one thing you believe in more than anything else: Life. That’s why I know you won’t kill me. I’m not afraid of you,” he stated, nonchalantly as he leaned into the blade, hard enough to draw blood.

I stood up, sheathing my dagger, before pulling him up onto his feet. He stood much taller than me, but I didn’t feel small in that moment. Even though I was insecure about what would come next, I couldn’t show my fears to the man who was threatening the lives of the people I loved. I needed to be strong, or he would take advantage of my weaknesses. I grabbed a fistfull of his hair and pulled his head down to mine, maintaining eye contact the entire time, “you aren’t afraid of me,” I hissed before leaning in to his ear, “but you should be,” I whispered the line I had been told only once before. It had shaken me to the very core when it was said to me, but I felt powerful now that I was on the other end. My voice was low enough so that only he could hear me, and once I finished, I pulled away from him and shoved him into his cell. Ephinea activated the cell wall before he was even able to regain his balance. I couldn’t help the smile as I watched him struggle to not fall onto his face, but the sharp pain in my abdomen cut that short.

Not wanting to waste anymore time on him, I turned to face the members of the Kingsguard. They were some of the most well-trained warriors Asgard had to offer, so much so that they were trusted with protecting the Allfather himself. The kingsguard lined the halls of the palace at all times of the day and night, and they stood guard over the dungeons as well. I picked up my blood-covered dagger that I had dropped on the floor moments prior and lowered it back into its sheath. I pointed over at Ezra but stayed focused on the warriors before me, “I want two guards posted outside his cell every second of every day. I never want him left unsupervised, and if he is, you’re going to wish that you experienced the Allfather’s wrath instead of mine,” I threatened, feeling my unchecked fury rising further and further in my chest. I surprised myself at the harsh tone of my voice, but I didn’t change it, “if he shows any signs of agitation, I want to know about it. If he takes one step out of line, I want to know about it. If he breathes offbeat, I want to know about it. I want every detail of his existence to be monitored while he’s down here. I want nothing to go unnoticed. If he speaks out of line, I want to know what he said and when he said it. Do you understand?”

I saw the startled expression on every face of the men before me. I had always been known for my calm and collected nature, and the only time I ever broke away from that was when I was in battle. Even then, I had never been so ruthless, especially never with them. They all nodded in agreement to my orders, but one of the guards stepped forward, his eyes just as confused as the rest, “I mean you no offense when I ask this, but...what would you do about it, my lady?”

As I brushed past all of them, needing to take my place with Thor and Odin to discuss our next moves, I answered his question, “I’ll kill him.”

Before I could make it very far at all, Ezra yelled after me, “good luck, pet. I take pity on you for what is about to come,” he shouted, that booming voice echoing throughout the silent dungeons. It was as if every prisoner stood completely still as I walked by-all but one. As I walked past Loki’s cell, I stared straight ahead, refusing to even look his way, still hurt by what transpired between us a week prior. It broke my heart to ignore him that way, but I had to focus on the safety of the Nine Realms. A piece of it was also to protect him. If there was a chance I could convince Ezra that I no longer cared for Loki, that Loki wasn’t a weakness of mine that he could exploit, I was going to take it. It was the best way to protect Loki at that point.

As I walked past his cell, he banged on the wall, yelling my name and trying to attract my attention, but I still didn’t give in. I blinked away the tears in my eyes, my heart shattering as I had to look the other way once more. I did that before, and I couldn’t believe I was doing it again. I was still hurt and angry at him for what he said when I visited him that night, but I could never stay mad at him for too long, not over trivial things like that. Even as I ascended the stairs, I could still hear his pained voice calling my name. My ears began ringing, and the world around me seemed unsteady. When I reached the last few stairs, the wound on my abdomen sent a piercing pain through my entire body, and I jolted forward to accommodate the sudden and intense pain. If Loki had seen me fall as I had in that moment, he would’ve laughed at me before falling down with me, not wanting me to feel isolation and embarrassment. I coughed, and the fleeting thoughts of my love were pushed to the side as I tasted the blood in my mouth. I swallowed it back just as the guards ran over to me to help me up, just like Loki would have done.

*Loki’s POV*

I felt the immeasurable pain that she was experiencing, and I couldn’t help but feel like there was something seriously wrong. That was one of the things that never stopped for me, no matter how deep my madness became. She was still there, an untouched and untainted beauty among the raging wildfire that was my mind. I could always feel her pain, her suffering, her joy, and her love. I could feel every emotion and every ounce of physical pain, which Thanos used to his advantage. While it killed me inside to know that she was hurting, it let me know that she was still alive, wherever she was. This sensation was something new, though. I could barely stand due to the pain in my abdomen. Even when she had transferred his wound onto herself, it couldn’t hold a candle to the pain I began experiencing no long before.

Everyone began filing out of the dungeons aside from the two guards Eva demanded always stand watch over the new prisoner. I had never seen Eva deal with anyone quite like that, but he must’ve made her feel something otherworldly to pull out that side of her. Watching it was exhilarating in a way that I never would’ve expected. I could feel the anger and pain coursing through her veins every moment she stood before him, but I could also feel her conflict. When he mentioned two people-one here and one on Midgard-I found myself trying to piece together who it could be. Perhaps he was speaking about Aaldir or Thor. I was certain she cared little for me after what I did the last time we saw each other. The unnamed person on Earth was what I tried to piece together first, though. Was it Tony Stark? I noticed that the two of them had quite the connection when I was around them on Midgard. What if it was the Soldier? The two of them shared similar beliefs, and he had protected her from near death quite a few times.

When another piercing pain erupted in my abdomen, I gritted my teeth and grunted, reaching for the tender spot. As I tried to breathe through the pain, I heard his laughter from the cell diagonal to mine, “you must be Loki!” he smiled, amused at my pain. I knew that madness well, well enough to know that it was not all his own. Someone had taken advantage of a weakness and used it against him. A small part of me felt empathy for him, but I couldn’t help but think of how he must’ve hurt Eva. As I glared up at him, he cocked his head to the side, “I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m a pretty big fan because of what you did on Midgard-you know, attempting to kill everyone who wouldn’t blindly follow your rule. I have to say that it was a bold move for the unloved son of a false king,” he barked before taking a deep breath and calming his nerves, “I’m Ezra Culson, the new bane of Eva’s existence. You’ve been replaced.”

“What did you do to her?” I yelled, anxious to know what had transpired to bring about a pain like this. Before Ezra pointed out the wound on her abdomen, it was barely noticeable, especially since she showed little signs of discomfort while she was in the dungeons. Still, shortly before she came down to the dungeons, I had felt the intense pain, and I knew she had been stabbed. This sensation, however, was so different than before. When we were on Midgard, I...she had been stabbed. That was nothing like this. I grunted as I stood up straight, trying to ignore the burning sensation.

Ezra shook his head, a hint of guilt in his eyes that didn’t seem completely genuine, “I didn’t come here to fight-not today, anyway-but when Odin refused to my terms and your brother refused my offer to take Eva off your hands, I had no choice. She got in the way,” he said, nonchalantly as he shrugged it off like it was nothing. Even the guards outside of his cell were disturbed. Everyone in Asgard knew Eva, and everyone knew that she was the embodiment of all that was good and light in this world. Ezra acted as if his action of attacking her was nothing serious, like attacking her wasn’t like he was attacking the very fabric of life itself. During my stunned silence, he continued to speak, “let’s just say that you’re not the only one who has it out for Odin.”

“I couldn’t care less about him. You hurt her!” I snapped, slamming my fist against the cell wall and startling the guards and the other prisoners within the dungeons. Ezra would have a hard time in the dungeons because no matter how much the other prisoners hated Odin and Asgard, they could not bring themselves to even speak unkindly of Eva. The longer the prisoners stayed in the dungeons, the more they grew accustomed to her singing, and because Eva showed the planet so much love and kindness, everyone who resided here could feel her energy coursing through them. Her connection to the world and life was incredible. As my chest tightened, I glared at him, “you hurt her, and I’m going to kill you for that,” I growled in a low voice.

He shrugged it off again, “collateral damage,” he remarked, “it’s nothing that can’t be undone. When she gives in and leaves with me, which she will, I’ll heal her, and we’ll be on our way.”

“She’s not going anywhere with you!” I yelled once more, realizing that he was doing exactly what he wanted to do, and I was allowing it to happen. He was crawling right under my skin, and I couldn’t stop it. It was like Thanos all over again. Ezra just knew my weakness, and he was going to exploit it. He would try to break me, but I wouldn’t lose Eva again, and that was what kept me from falling back into the comfort of my own darkness.

He chuckled, “I have a better claim to her even as an outsider, or did you forget?” he asked, and my eyes widened as it felt like my chest would completely cave in. He couldn’t have been referencing that moment, but it wouldn’t surprise me with all that he knew about Eva and myself. A part of me wished to know where he acquired this information, but the part that took hold of me in that moment was still the nervous and insecure man I was before I fell from the Bifrost, before I pushed Eva out of my life, before I realized that I would never truly be my father’s son. I could still remember Odin’s words as if our conversation was happening that very moment:

“A girl who could pass as a princess even without a prince would be better suited for Thor, and I will not entertain these childish games any longer!”

It was the first moment in my life that I felt utterly hopeless. All that I had done up until that moment seemed like it was in vain. I had loved Eva, and she loved me. When she forced me to relive that memory in the dream, I couldn’t help but associate it with the conversation that followed with my father. He had been the one to pull me from our beautiful moment, our last beautiful moment. Our conversation was meant to open the doors for millions of other beautiful moments, but he slammed those doors in my face, telling me that I would never be worthy enough for Eva, that she was being saved for Thor. It was the beginning of my downfall, and she was the one who was hurt most from it.

While my chest heaved, I imagined ripping his tongue from his throat. I imagined slitting his throat open while he spoke of how Eva was nothing more than “collateral damage.” I imagined his blood on my hands as I tore him apart for what he did to her and for what he tried to do to me. I knew that all he had to do was exploit my weakness, and he would be able to turn me against her. Something in me was broken, and he wanted to toy around with it, “speak one more word, and you’ll wish for death when you see what I do to you,” I threatened, narrowing my eyes at him and realizing just how familiar they looked, like I had seen them a thousand times before. Green...like the color of spring.

He chuckled, sitting on the floor and tucking his legs under himself. It seemed as if he would let my comment roll off his back, but that was the opposite of what he did. Instead, he brought up the one thing I cared about more than anything else. Eva. He grinned, madness in his eyes, “threaten me again, and you’ll wish for death when you see what I do to her.”

Without warning, my mind felt like it was being torn apart, like the broken edges were being chipped away at. As I fell to the floor in a massive pain radiating from the ghost wound on my abdomen and the sudden and intense pain in my own mind, I gritted my teeth and groaned loudly. I could remember her eyes that day, the day I hurt her more than I could ever forgive myself for. I had expected her to look at me like I was a monster, like I was her enemy. However, she didn’t. She spoke my name with fear in her eyes and sorrow in her voice. It was my first moment of clarity in so long, but it was also my greatest moment of weakness and tragedy because I hurt the one thing I wished to protect: my friend, my princess, my love.

My Eva.

22 notes · View notes