#just feels like the type to be an actual dice goblin

[jomiddlemarch]

(I measure time by how a body sways)

I. “Thank you for agreeing to see me. You’re the only person I can ask,” Draco said. He’d cast a wandless Silencio that he’d modified to prevent any type of recording, which was, as they said,  sending roses to Beaubatons, but he’d been more influenced in his youth by Severus Snape than his own father, and the habit for secrecy and self-reliance died hard. The wards on Bill Weasley’s office were the most robust at the Ministry outside of the Department of Mysteries and on the rare occasions a goblin sought an interview, they merited a brief grimace that indicated respect and recognition of what Bill had learned from studying the first level wards at Gringott’s.

The massive door was shut tight and its three locks (melchior, silver, and shakudo) were properly secured. Bill sat behind his slab of a desk, his eyes on Draco and the only means of egress. Short of casting Fidelius, there was no greater privacy to be had in Wizarding Great Britain. 

(Draco had discarded the plan to portkey to Durmstrang and use their Rechevi zatvor chamber. Bill could be late for dinner, but Fleur wouldn’t allow him to miss it entirely just to chat with a colleague.)

“I’m the only person, eh?” Bill said, his expression skeptical. He would have raised an eyebrow, if that were an option, but the scarring on his face had affected the musculature as well. He made do with tone or voice and rubbing a hand along his bearded jaw. Something about the touch of werewolf had darkened his hair to bronzed chestnut, but every once in a while, Draco remembered how richly auburn he’d once been, when he’d looked like a Viking warrior, nearly a match for his half-Veela bride.

“Flitwick doesn’t have the expertise in the Dark Arts, plus he’s overdue to retire and is on the verge of turning into a second Binns,” Draco said. “I need help, not a tranquilizer.”

Bill shrugged in apparent agreement.

“Krum’s sister Vela is in the middle of something with their Unspeakables and is on leave from Durmstrang. Master Zesiro at Uagadou refuses to respond to me and before you ask, I sent Owls, tokens and an emissary. No dice,” Draco said. Bill knew why Zesiro was unwilling to engage, Draco didn’t need to go through the whole rigamarole again and have Bill point out Draco’s myriad unforced errors.

“And so you came to me,” Bill said.

“I knew you’d at least agree to meet with me. And unlike the others, you have a vested interest in my…situation. It could be considered a conflict but I think it’s actually something in favor of you as an advisor,” Draco said.

“Plus, no one else is capable, willing, or available,” Bill replied. “I feel honored, truly, Draco—”

“It’s not like that,” Draco said. Bill was probably the Weasley Draco got along best with, Ron and Ginny still unable to completely move past their schooldays, Percy still too much of a prig, Charlie an unknown, having retreated to his dragon preserve, only emerging for Weasley events of great import, ones which Draco would not be invited to. Draco felt George Weasley had lost his mind along with his twin and kept his distance, knowing Fleur agreed and would back him up if she absolutely had to. He and Bill had worked together on a number of cases and there had been three definitive occasions when Draco had saved Bill’s life, plus Fleur liked Draco’s taste in wine and willingness to linger over a cassoulet. Given all that, Draco struggled with Bill’s wry teasing, though the older man had made it clear that it was much milder than any mockery the Weasleys exchanged among themselves. 

“It’s all right. Tell me, what’s happened that has the unflappable Draco Malfoy, well, flapped? Is that even a word?” Bill said, the kindness edging amusement in his blue eyes.

“It’s not. Even if it were, I’m not flapped. I’m…I don’t know what I am. I feel like I’ve lost my bearings, like my magic has slipped from my control, it might be wild or absent or—”

“What happened, Draco?” Bill repeated, serious now, all joking cast aside.

“This,” Draco said, rolling up his sleeve and extending his left forearm. “This bloody well fucking happened.”

“Fuck,” Bill breathed, reaching out to take hold of Draco’s wrist but pausing to catch his eye first in a wordless request for permission. Draco nodded sharply, though he couldn’t help flinching when Bill grasped him firmly and leaned closer. He’d worn iron manacles in Azkaban, though they’d been unnecessary, there to make the prison guards remember he was a prisoner. To slake some of their rage that might otherwise have been channeled into assault. Bill’s touch was much lighter than the metal cuffs, but for a moment, it was unbearable. He took a deep breath and Bill, with a wolf’s acuity, heard him, gripping him less tightly.

“When did you notice it changed?” Bill asked with the curiosity of the scientist examining a new specimen.

“How the fuck did it change, Bill? No one else’s Dark Mark has ever altered, not since Voldemort was destroyed!” Draco exclaimed. 

Shortly after Harry had cast the final curse that killed Voldemort, the Dark Mark on all surviving Death-eaters had blurred, as if a noxious fog had consumed the brand. By the next dawn, the tattoos were sharply delineated again but they’d changed from the original serpent and skull. Each person carried an image of what they regretted most; those who remained loyal to Voldemort wore an exquisite rendition of Harry Potter wielding the Elder Wand. Severus Snape’s body showed with a cameo’s perfection Lily Potter’s face in profile, which made Draco wonder how long the man’s spirit had lingered and whether his ghost must haunt the Shrieking Shack. Lucius had the door of the family vault left open, the stacks of Galleons sharply diminished, the Malfoy crest half-destroyed.

Draco had borne the cabinet of mysteries he’d brought into Hogwarts emblazoned against the pale skin of his inner arm, the grain of the wood, the elegance of the scrollwork, the dangling key with its gold tassel all included in precise detail.

Had being the optimal word. Because the cabinet was gone and, in its place, the word Mudblood was carved with in the spiky hand his aunt had used to sign any document, the letters in dusky atramentum. The flesh around them was stained with the angry red streaks of blood poisoning. 

It was the mark Hermione Granger still carried fifteen years later after Bellatrix Lestrange had tortured her with a cursed blade and repeated Crucios, impervious to any enchantment, potion or balm. Something about the combination of assaults, the raving madness of the caster, her last bit of sanity held like a shard of glass, had rendered the scar beyond the purview of any magical healing, though Potter in particular had been loath to accept it and had spent a decent chunk of his vault’s holdings on attempts.

Now it was on Draco Malfoy’s arm. 

Now it was his greatest regret. 

Now he had no idea what to do about that.

“You don’t need to bite my head off. I’ll remind you, you came to me for help. Advice. So, again, when did you first notice it had changed?” Bill asked.

“About a week ago, I went to bed early. I’d felt ill the whole day, thought I’d sleep it off with a little Dreamless, whatever it was. I woke in the night with chills and then again, soaked to the skin, but in the morning, I felt all right, if not terribly rested. When I was washing up, that’s when I noticed it,” Draco said. That first moment, the shock had been like that of a curse caught full in the chest, his breath pulled from his lungs, an unearthly cold at the base of his spine. He’d dropped the loose shirt he’d worn to bed without thinking about it, muttering Lumos Lumos Lumos until the bathroom was as bright as an operating theater. He’d never before experienced his body as separate, but his arm had not felt like it belonged to him and he’d touched the tattoo gingerly with a forefinger before he tried to claw it off.

“Has it changed since that first morning?” Bill said.

“No, it hasn’t. It doesn’t feel any different now than it did before either,” Draco said.

“So what you’re most distressed about is that it changed,” Bill said.

“Yes, Bill, that’s what I’m most distressed about,” Draco said, trying to keep himself restrained. He sounded unhinged, even to himself. Or was that only to himself?

“Because I thought maybe you were most upset about it changing to Hermione’s scar from Bellatrix torturing her,” Bill remarked coolly. Hermione’s romantic relationship with Ron Weasley had barely lasted a fortnight, but the Weasley clan still considered her one of theirs and Bill, in particular, having learned what was expected of her by Dumbledore and the rest of the Order of the Phoenix, dating back to her first year at Hogwarts and lasting through the horcrux hunt and the final battle, was inclined to be protective of her in lieu of all the other adults who’d failed her or dismissed the risks to her with the praise that was supposed to sustain her through terror and torture. His reaction was what Draco had meant when he’d mentioned a vested interest, though as per usual, Draco had avoided thinking about what term Bill would have chosen. It would not have been the legal phrase, no matter how icy Bill’s tone turned.

“I can’t—if she knew, I’d never,” he faltered. It had been like this since he’d realized what the brand was, his thoughts fractured, resisting all attempts at coherence. His magic fought him as well, an experience he’d found referenced in only one, quite Dark volume shoved to the back of the Malfoy library, a book they’d kept because it had come with Narcissa’s The Most Noble House of Black dowry. He’d tried Occluding, to no avail, and a half-dozen potions, even that most British panacea, a proper cup of tea, and he still found himself lost when he tried to imagine Hermione’s reaction or why he now carried her curse on his body.

“It’s possible it has nothing to do with her,” Bill said, holding up a hand before Draco could interrupt. “I only mean, that she wouldn’t be aware of it, that the change is something for you to deal with, without telling her. Asking her for her take on it, making it one more iteration of Bellatrix’s torture.”

“I don’t want her hurt. Ever,” Draco said. That’s pretty much the endpoint he’d reached after all his ruminations, the only inviolable truth he’d been able to find, mucking about in his own head.

“I don’t want her hurt ever again. I don’t want to hurt her.”

“Good, because this was going to be a very short conversation otherwise,” Bill said. “For the record, I didn’t think you were so self-absorbed you wouldn’t consider what it could do to her. I know you better than that.”

“You hold me in greater esteem than I do myself,” Draco said.

“Yeah. I know,” Bill said. “What have you tried already? Read already?”

“Flamel, Bao Gu, Senior Zadith, Katherine Dee, Isola Vyvyvan,” Draco said, ticking them off on his fingers. “The obvious choices and I’ve looked through what seemed relevant at the Ministry and the Malfoy library.”

“Hogwarts?”

“Unless Madam Ossett has tampered with the inventory for the Restricted Section, there’s nothing there worth looking at,” Draco said. “Possibly Durmstrang has something, but I’d rather not have anyone there…conjecturing. I’ve taken the potions you’d recommend and tried the Etiologica clarissa.”

“Not clarissima?” Bill said.

“Too Light to risk it,” Draco said. “If I off myself, we’re none the wiser.”

“And you’re dead,” Bill said.

“That too,” Draco said. “Strangely enough, not my chief concern.”

“Not strangely enough. Fleur and I feel you’ve held your life too cheaply since—”

“Since I survived Voldemort and the Final Battle and Azkaban? I should live each day as the gift it is?” Draco said.

“You’re always ready to throw it away, in some sort of penance. It wouldn’t help anyone. Certainly not Hermione,” Bill said.

“Who said it would be for her?”

“Your arm, for one,” Bill replied. “The look in your eyes when someone mentions her. How you say her name if you’re in company, Madam Hermione Nimue Granger. You never leave out either honorific. It’s not like it takes Divination or an eye for poker tells.”

“I suppose I’m giving new meaning to wearing my heart on my sleeve,” Draco said.

“That’s the spirit,” Bill said. “I don’t mean to pry and I’ll remind you that you came to me, but, has something changed between you and Hermione?”

“It must have,” Draco said. If he hadn’t already been sitting, he would have collapsed into a chair. As it was, his shoulder slumped and he sensed that if she’d seen him, his mother would have scolded him for his slovenly posture unbecoming of a Pureblood Wizard. He would have wanted to chuck something at her. “I don’t know how to put it. I guess, I realized, I’ve fallen in love with her.”

“Got it in one. You did know how to put it,” Bill said. He leaned back in his chair, satisfied, as if Draco were his struggling, dunderhead student who had finally gotten a correct answer to the simplest equation. Basically as if he’d been who he’d thought Neville was, until he discovered Longbottom’s steady intelligence and propensity to tend to others instead of seeking glory.

“If you already knew, why didn’t you say?” 

Bill had been generous enough not to crow over Draco’s…announcement? 

Realization?

Sentence? 

Doom?

Because however he felt about her, he couldn’t expect Hermione to return his feelings, not when he considered how he’d treated her when they were in school, when he had allowed himself to become her mortal enemy. When she’d been brought to his home and he’d watched her being tortured and he hadn’t said a word. In the years that followed, he’d sent to formal apologia that was expected of him and made the recompense the Ministry had required, the months at Azkaban, his magic withheld, and he’d focused on making something of himself that was worthwhile, breaking curses, retrieving and restoring magical items that had been stolen, taking whatever cases the Ministry asked. If that meant he was brought into contact, sometimes close contact, with her, he made no complaints. No excuses. After the first time they’d met again, her stubborn chin raised when he greeted her with her title, they’d got on well enough; that had been the moment he’d realized her face was heart-shaped and that her eyes were the brown of an autumn leaf in a brook, a very fine, very dry sherry. 

They’d worked cases together and he’d liked her. Went to annual, dull Ministry galas and he’d liked her, admired how she nursed one glass of wine all night, didn’t leave early. They’d ended up at the pub together, with more of her friends than anyone who’d call themselves his and he’d liked her, her sharp wit and her affectionate humor, the way she flushed after the second glass of ale. There had been conferences they both attended, her comments measured, provocative, rarely cruel and he’d liked her, how closely she’d listened to the witch from Uagadou, how she’d made the formal obeisance before launching into an idea for a collaboration, the offer to meet over dinner, the casual way she’d included him.

He liked her smile, her laughter, her solemn expression when Snape was mentioned. He liked her chestnut hair and the silver streak that ran through it, her determined gait, her pretty ankles visible through the swish of her formal robes. He liked the scent of her perfume, something Muggle with bergamot, and the line of her neck when she tilted her head to one side in contemplation. He liked the way she’d looked up at the ceiling of the Great Hall when they’d come back to Hogwarts and turned to him, wonder mixed with grief in her eyes, the gleam of tears that would have made an exquisite potion if she’d let them fall. He liked how she spoke to the students and the faculty, how she was candid, how she kept her secrets. How she lied. 

She’d walked with him through the hallway where he’d brought the cabinet. Where he’d been desperate, convinced it wouldn’t work. Wouldn’t be enough if it did. Where he’d told himself he had to and that they wouldn’t kill children. She’d taken his hand in her own and said They let you down, let you go hang, I should’ve done something and he knew if he’d come to her she would not have turned him away. Sorry, she’d said, a little word for an absolution. 

A little word to rearrange the world, his world, around her.

Irrevocably.

“At the risk of annoying the fuck out of you, I knew you had to get there on your own. Personal journey, coming to it in your own time, all that shite,” Bill said. “Trite, but true.”

“You’re enjoying this,” Draco said.

“Not as much as you’d think. I owe Fleur fifty Galleons,” Bill said.

“You bet on me? Against me?”

“I was on your side, mate. I thought you’d figure it out sooner. Without the Dark Mark changing part of it,” Bill said. “I didn’t anticipate totally unprecedented magic as the catalyst for your epiphany. And if you’ve a mind to make some snide, superior dig at me, feel free to fuck right off and remember you came to me for help.”

Draco, who had been grappling with the urge to make snide, superior and cutting remark, likely regarding Bill’s intelligence, House, and scholarship, found himself choking on a laugh instead.

“How’d you guess?”

“I have five younger brothers and my family is the poorest of the Sacred Twenty-Eight,” Bill said. Five, which meant he still counted Fred. It was a wonder they were all walking and talking with the degree of loss they’d had to cope with, though Bill’s grief was understandable, acceptable, especially since he hadn’t been fully turned when Greyback savaged him and Fleur hadn’t for a second countenanced leaving him.

“What am I going to do, Bill?” Draco asked.

“I think you know but I’m happy to talk it through,” Bill said. 

“You won’t tell her. If I don’t, I’ll have to wear a glamour all the time. I won’t forget to cast it, she wouldn’t find out accidentally. I’ll know though. I’ll think about it every time, this secret, and it’s my body, she’d be the first to say I have autonomy, but it will change things between us. Not for the better,” he said.

“Yeah,” Bill said.

“She’s one of the only people in the world who’d be able to figure out what happened, magically speaking. To my arm. If it had turned into Katie Bell and that bloody necklace, I’d have gone to Hermione, not you. She’d be excited to figure it out. I expect there’d have been a monograph drafted within a fortnight,” Draco said.

“Translated into Bulgarian and Kiswahili,” Bill added.

“If I go to her, she’ll know. What she doesn’t understand right away she’ll ask me about. I won’t lie to her,” he said.

“Never a good idea to lie to her. She can cast wandless, both hands,” Bill said.

“She’ll know I’m in love with her,” Draco said.

“You don’t need to sound so bleak,” Bill said. “If it turns out she doesn’t feel the same, she still cares for you. About you. It’s not the end of the world to be friends, even if you’re also in love with her.”

“You’re happily married to a half-Veela. Excuse me if your reassurance about how great it will be for her to be aware of my unrequited love falls flat,” Draco said.

“I said if, you glib prat,” Bill said. “Let’s just say you don’t have the best perspective on the whole situation.”

“Has she said something to you?”

“If she had, I wouldn’t tell you. That’s why you came to me, for privacy. I have eyes, don’t I? And once a month, I have the acuity of a wolf,” Bill said.

“I have to tell her,” Draco said. “Everything.”

“Yeah,” Bill replied. “Everything’s a good place to start. One suggestion though—”

“What?”

“She doesn’t like Firewhiskey. Bring a good brandy,” Bill said.

[mylordshesacactus]

Not sure if there was a maximum to the BG3 questions so feel free to leave out any: 2, 4, 5, 6, 9, 22 and 44

4) Do you remember in which order you recruited your companions? Which companion introduction would have felt the most familiar / like home to your Tav/Character?

VIVIDLY.

Despite her 'official' recruitment being the birdcage, I definitely count Lae'zel as Lorne's first recruitment--they, of course, met each other first, and frankly Lorne will like anyone who immediately course-corrects upon receiving new information and talks to her like an equal. Grabbed Shadowheart on the beach, actively went looking for Lae'zel, grabbed her after stumbling across Astarion being a trembling little vampiric lamb in the woods. Yoinked Gale out of a rock. Completely missed Wyll after his dramatic introduction and thus didn't talk to him and thus went off to fight goblins instead of helping him, so I got Karlach super late--like, "significantly post-tiefling party" late, didn't fully recruit Wyll until I'd already gotten her somehow, and Halsin very early.

As for which felt most familiar and most like home, those are actually two very different questions.

I think....Lae'zel felt most like home, which is part of why Lorne bonded so tight to her so quickly (that and the battlefield synergy, and the fact that Lae'zel, who is from space, doesn't know which plant facts are impressive and thus listens attentively to all of her plant facts just in case.) She's brusque and irritable and has no social graces--but Lorne is what I like to call the World's Most Autistic Dragonborn anyway, and she treats Lorne like an equal. From the very beginning, she treats this arrangement as the two of them as a unit and the misfits they're picking up, and they fall into a very fast mutual respect.

But the introduction that felt the most familiar? To Lorne Cooper, the daughter of a barrel-maker who is a grad student in an extremely devalued unmagical field at an extremely prestigious university?

Gale and Astarion. Upper-class twits who can't find their ass with both hands and a map but still manage to be condescending about it. Gale is the kind who lets it spoil him sweet--he's warm, friendly, jovial, but she actually trusted him less because of it. Kindness from that kind of privilege, she's learned the hard way, can vanish instantly.

She actually trusted Astarion, despite clocking him as a vampire instantly due to not being stupid, much more. His condescension, while partially a defense mechanism, is honest. Gale is more confident--the kind of person who, flip a coin, could be the type to remember even the working-class dragonborn who pulled him out of a rock that one time....or the type to, happily and with no malice, completely forget that she ever existed and reduce her to a footnote in his own story. (He's the first--but she didn't KNOW that at the time.) Astarion is dramatic, but.......the kind of pretentious asshole that is much, much less of a threat to her.

22) How did your Character resolve the situation with Sovereign Glut, if you met them?

Well, the duergar slavers had ambushed me WAY before I ever met Glut, so that was already taken care of. Then he went full megalomaniacal bullshit on us so we slice-n-diced him. Not really much of a choice either way.

[shepherds-of-haven]

All right: so the mc is dming the Blest equivalent of a dungeons and dragons campaign for some of the other captains. Who’s spectating, who joins in, and who just Doesn’t Get It

Oooh, interesting question! Let's see...

Blade: initially he would just be spectating, but then he would get irritated every time combat was initiated because everyone would be making the wrong "moves" according to him, so he would join in because he enjoys games of tactics and strategy with rulesets, but then he would become irritated by the luck-based element of dice rolls and quit again, lol. His character would literally just be him with absolutely 0 imagination involved glfdjgfdg

Trouble: he would be playing, gamely but a bit poorly. He would be so focused on the idea of "winning" or a goal or competition that he wouldn't really focus much on the role-playing aspect of it, so if MC is like, "You're in a tavern, and you see a shifty-looking goblin at a table. What do you do?" Trouble: "kill him" (thinking killing as many people as possible is the point of the game, not realizing this is a chance to role-play and explore). He's the type of player that when you speak to him in the goblin's creaky, sibilant hissing voice, he gets kind of uncomfortable with having to "act" and is just like "haha hi". He's not very good at acting, performing, or having to inhabit a role!

Tallys: she'd most likely be simply observing; she'd enjoy the storytelling aspect and would be genuinely interested in how the campaign unfolds, but wouldn't feel much of a need to control a character herself. She might hover around someone else and give them unprompted advice now and again!

Shery: she'd be playing, and she'd get really into the whole backstory and origins of her character, their personality, etc.! She wouldn't be very good at acting, but she'd be very dedicated about making decisions according to their psychology and mindset! She'd be very stressed out by the combat, though!

Riel: he most likely wouldn't play; the concept would be briefly interesting, but the idea of being involved in a game over several hours or even days would not be appealing to him (even though he has a standing chess match with Red where they only make a few moves basically every night). He's just not interested in exercising his imagination that way!

Chase: he would be playing, but he would derail the campaign by trying to seduce everything he encountered 😪 he'd probably be the sluttiest bard/thief you ever saw... you could be fighting the Demigorgon and he'd just be like "I roll to seduce" (MC: "if you fail again, literally everybody in your party is going to be horrifically killed." Chase: "I roll to seduce")

Red: he'd be playing, but he'd take it just a tad too seriously, so every time Chase or someone chose to do something ridiculous, he'd get frustrated or stressed out, like "You can't even... the Demigorgon doesn't have... it doesn't have genitals" (Chase: "I roll to seduce") He'd probably be a tad nitpicky and insufferable about rules and worldbuilding, I think, like "I don't think you can do so-and-so if we're playing by the 5e manual..." or "doesn't it say somewhere in [extremely obscure lore] that there are no Flameling mothers, only fathers, so your character can't exactly be a Flameling bastard if their father was a corsair?" (cue collective groan)

Ayla: she would be coming in and out to observe with absolutely zero context for what was happening, throwing out blithe, absolutely insane out-of-the-box suggestions (like "why don't you climb into the treasure chest so you can be protected when your bomb goes off, killing the kobald horde?") that sometimes actually worked, and then wandering out again

Briony: she'd be playing, but she'd find it a stressful experience once she realized that her character could permanently die, because she'd get too attached easily and would be too protective of her to take risks 😫 She'd also probably be the type to ship her character with any NPC or party member who had the remotest chemistry with hers and would absolutely be focused on the social situations more than anything else! She'd be pretty good at the role-playing and acting, too!

Lavinet: she would get it as a concept, but she would not really find DnD much fun: to her it's just like a game of pretend, or acting in a play that you're all making up as you go. She doesn't begrudge the others their fun, she just wouldn't feel the need to play herself!

Halek: he'd probably be around to provide snacks, and I could see him playing if the scenario was particularly interesting, but he lacks the stamina if the campaign drags on over several days and would probably intentionally kill off his character to free himself if that were the case, lol!

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #163

Today on Fate and Phantasms we’re making the Alter Ego of Pleasure, Meltryllis! This one’s easy, all we gotta do is make a vampiric ballerina A.I. out of water and strap knives to her feet. In vaguely medieval times.

Yep, real easy.

Nothing to it, really.

Won’t even break a sweat on this one.

Tootally not stalling here.

Fine, we’ll really do it. Build breakdown below the cut, character sheet over here.

Next up: She’s got huge... tracts of hand.

Race and Background

So, uh... tackling the big questions first, I guess. The obvious answer here is just Custom Lineage, but we’re trying to make someone made of acid here, and slightly reflavored human just isn’t going to cut it.

Instead, we’re going with Water Genasi because let’s be honest literally nothing would actually fit here, and we already set a precedent with Arjuna and Karna. This increases your Wisdom by 1 and your Dexterity by 2. You also get resistance to acid damage because melting acid is dumb, you’re Amphibious, allowing you to breathe air and water, you can swim, and you can cast Shape Water for some fancy ballet visuals thanks to your Call to the Wave.

Your background is... complicated to integrate into D&D, but you do get a lot from your mother, so we’ll modify the Inheritor background and make you an A.I.nheritor, giving you proficiency with Arcana (the closest thing to tech in D&D) and Performance thanks to your obsession with pirouettes.

Ability Scores

You’re good at spinning around and stabbing people with swords while spinning around, so make sure your Dexterity is as high as possible. Bending yourself into a pretzel is only half the battle though, so keep your Charisma high too. Your Wisdom also isn’t that bad, you’re usually hooked into the universe’s admin systems whenever you pop up, so you’re pretty aware of things, even if you can’t feel them. Your Intelligence isn’t that bad, you’re literally a hyper-advanced A.I., I bet you’re good at calculus. This means your Constitution and Strength are pretty low. You’re canonically built for offense, and while I would’ve dumped Constitution instead of Strength normally I checked out how much HP you’d be left with and that’d just be cruel, even for me.

Class Levels

1. Monk 1: We’re starting off as monk right away so you can have Unarmored Defense to make your Armor Class good even in a leotard. You also get Martial Arts, giving you a bonus action attack, dexterity based attacks, and a d4 minimum for monk attacks.

Just saying here that we’re reflavoring your heels as short swords. This lets you dual-wield for two shoes (though it is kind of redundant since you already get bonus action attacks with your kicks anyway) and they’re pointy and already monk weapons.

You also get proficiency with Strength and Dexterity saves, as well as the physical skills Acrobatics and Athletics to make your dance moves flashier and your routines longer.

2. Monk 2: Second level monks get Ki which you can use to Dash, Disengage, Dodge, or attack twice as a bonus action by spending a ki point. You get Monk Level ki points per short rest.

You also get Unarmored Movement, making you a bit lighter on your feet.

3. Sorcerer 1: It’s been said that eldritch abominations are just outside context problems for the universe, and it doesn’t get more outside D&D’s context than a sentient AI. That’s why you’re an Aberrant Mind sorcerer, which gives you Psionic Spells for free (most of which we’ll be swapping out) and Telepathic Speech, giving you the ability to tap into Seraph’s chat system to speak telepathically with another creature for Sorcerer Level minutes, as long as you stay within Charisma Modifier miles of each other. I don’t know how you could get two miles away in less than a minute, but have fun figuring that out.

Also also your Call to the Wave improves, and you can cast Create or Destroy Water once per long rest.

Speaking of Spells, you can cast those now by using your Charisma modifier. You get the first steps of the Melt Virus thanks to your Acid Splash and Tasha’s Caustic Brew to soften up even the toughest of enemies. You also get Blade Ward because seriously try to cut water. Message is just another chat program, and Sword Burst lets you try spinning. It’s a good trick!

You also get Arms of Hadar, Dissonant Whispers, and Mind Sliver for free from your psionic spells, but we’re going to replace DW with Detect Magic right away. You’re jacked into the system, magic shouldn’t be hard to figure out.

4. Monk 3: Bouncing back to monk real quick to become a Drunken Master. You can Deflect Missiles by kicking them back as a reaction, reducing their damage and launching it back if they’re reduced to 0. You also get a Drunken Technique, making yourself even faster when you start hurting people. Using a flurry of blows lets you disengage for free, and your walking speed increases by another 10 feet.

5. Sorcerer 2: Second level sorcerers are a Font of Magic, giving you sorcery points that can be spent to recharge spell slots, among other things that don’t unlock til next level.

You can also cast Comprehend Languages now, and you should replace Arms of Hadar with Identify. Just stick it in your inventory and read the name, it’s not hard.

6. Sorcerer 3: Thanks to second level spells, you can now Blur the edges of your body to become harder to hit. You also get Calm Emotions and Detect Thoughts as freebies, though neither one is really justified, which is unfortunate.

Thankfully all your other spells get cooler thanks to Metamagic! Spend sorcery points to change a spells damage type with Transmuted Spell or make it harder to save against thanks to Heightened Spell!

7. Monk 4: Bouncing back to monk again gives you your first Ability Score Improvement, so bump up your Charisma for stronger spells. You can also Slow Fall as a reaction to avoid fall damage because all those heels kind of act like shocks. You also get Quickened Healing to spend ki points to heal yourself as an action. This probably isn’t canonical, but trust me, you’ll need it.

8. Sorcerer 4: Now that your spells are okay, use this ASI to get the Elemental Adept feat for Acid spells. Your spells now ignore resistance to acid damage and all your dice count as at least a 2 for damage. Considering how much Acid spells love d4s, this is a serious upgrade.

This level, you can use Green-Flame Blade (Green-Acid Blade?) and Enhance Ability to make your dance moves even better.

9. Sorcerer 5: Fifth level sorcerers can autocorrect thanks to their Magical Guidance, spending a sorcery point to re-roll a failed skill check. You also get a proper Melt Virus upgrade thanks to Vampiric Touch, dealing necrotic damage and healing yourself. Sadly you can’t turn this into acid damage, but it’s still pretty good on its own.

You also get more freebies from Psionic Spells, Hunger of Hadar makes for a pretty good Sarasvati Meltout vortex for at a low level, creating an area of difficult terrain that deals cold and acid damage on creatures that start and end their turn in it, respectively. You also get Sending, another chat client that can work even with people in other servers (planes).

10. Sorcerer 6: Your brand new Water Walk will let you stay on top of your own Meltout.

You also get Psionic Sorcery, not to be confused with Psionic Spells, that lets you cast Psionic Spells without verbal or somatic components if you spend sorcery points. You can also ignore material components if they’re not consumed by the spell.

On top of all of that, your Psychic Defenses firewall kicks in, giving you resistance to psychic damage and advantage on saves against being charmed or frightened. Lets be real, your mother is way scarier than any dumb goblin could be.

11. Monk 5: Fifth level monks get an Extra Attack each action, so now you can kick with both legs without using your bonus action! Your Stunning Strike can also be used by spending a ki point to force a constitution save on a creature you hit with a monk attack. If the target fails, they’re stunned for a round, giving you the perfect opening to torment them even more.

12. Monk 6: Sixth level monks get Ki-Empowered Strikes, making your fists magical weapons. You’re kind of a magical construct, so that just makes sense. Since you’re a drunken master, you also get your Tipsy Sway, speeding up how much speed you need to stand up and letting you turn your pleasure into another creature’s pain by redirecting attacks that miss you.

13. Sorcerer 7: For your fourth level spells, you can use Vitriolic Sphere for even more Acid, possibly even taking more damage on the next turn unless they pass their dexterity save. You also get more Psionic Spells, but I’ll save you the headache and just tell you what we’re swapping them with. Get Arcane Eye this level, and Locate Creature next level. One benefit to being an AI; access to the world map.

14. Sorcerer 8: Grab the Piercer feat to round up Dexterity, boosting your AC and attack power. You can also re-roll a piercing die once per turn. You also deal an extra die of damage on critical piercing attacks. You also get a Watery Sphere to restrain creatures within... drumroll please... a watery sphere. A great way to hold enemies in place while you pelt them with acid.

15. Sorcerer 9: Your fifth level spells include Enervation for a longer lasting Melt Virus, as well as Psionic Spells Rary’s Telepathic Bond for a whole chatroom, and Legend Lore. Tune into the BB channel to learn about your favorite subjects!

16. Sorcerer 10: Grab Quickened Spell as your third Metamagic option to add extra power to your rounds. Attack twice as an action, then Green-Acid Blade for even more pain!

You also get Skill Empowerment to give yourself expertise on skills you’re already good at for the greatest dances you’ve ever seen. We’re also pretty much set on good cantrips, so grab On/Off for the flavor. You can now turn nearby electronic devices on or off as an action. Honestly you could probably use a lot of the Modern Magic spells if your DM allows for it.

17. Sorcerer 11: Tasha’s Otherworldly Guise gives you a fancier outfit that makes you immune to fire and poison or radiant and necrotic damage depending on what role you choose to play. You’re also immune to being poisoned or Charmed, respectively. Your weapon attacks are now magical, and you get +2 to your AC. You get a flying speed for truly impressive jumps. You can also use your Charisma instead of dexterity to attack, but your dexterity’s better, so...

18. Sorcerer 12: Use your last ASI to bump up your Charisma. Stronger spells are always good.

19. Sorcerer 13: With your new seventh level spells, you can fully unleash your sadism thanks to Power Word Pain. If the target has fewer than 100 HP and it can be charmed, it becomes wracked with crippling pain. It can only move 10 feet per round, it has disadvantage on attacks, checks, and saves (aside from constitution saves). It also has to succeed on a constitution save to not waste the spell slot. At the end of each turn it has to try and make a constitution save, otherwise, the spell is indefinite.

20. Sorcerer 14: Your capstone level turns you into a Revelation in Flesh. As a bonus action, you can transform yourself for 10 minutes using 1 sorcery point for each ability you want to activate. These options include:

Truesight on invisible creatures (6/10 canonicity, might as well with all the divination spells you’ve got)

A flying speed (8/10 canonicity, can justify with sick jumps)

A swimming speed and underwater breathing (5/10 canonicity, but you already have these abilities so it doesn’t really matter)

Your body becomes basically liquid, able to squeeze through inch width gaps and escape from grapples and restraints. (10/10 canonicity, this is literally why we’re here.)

Pros:

With deflect missiles, a decent enough AC of 16/18 with Tasha’s Guise, and your Psychic Defenses, you’re decent enough at dealing with ranged attackers.

This is especially useful, as your mobility will keep you one step away from the melee fighters, letting you pick and choose your fights. You’re fast, and you can fly or run on water for extra escape options.

For most damage types, elemental adept is a nice addition, but nothing game changing. Not so with acid spells. So many acid spells use d4s, meaning the difference between 1 and 2 is greatly appreciated, as is the ignored resistances.

Cons:

If something can catch up to you, it’ll find out real fast just how squishy you are. Those sorcerer hit dice did not do you any favors, leaving you with only 75 HP. Be careful around high level casters with a good antivirus (Power Word Kill), or they might just delete you. Also literally any fighter.

While elemental adept helps, Acid Immunity is also pretty common in D&D. While Transmuting your spells (and just hitting people) will help keep you from being a sitting duck in those fights, it’s still a glaring weak point.

Outside of your spells, your physical attacks aren’t particularly powerful thanks to being stuck with short swords. So if you start running out of spell slots, retreating might be a good idea. A glass cannon without the cannon is just a bad thing to be.

[stemgaysupreme]

On Carrying Capacity - A Critical Role Math Problem

I’ve been getting kind of annoyed (read: extremely anxious about the m9′s survival) every time Matt doesn’t let a polymorphed giant eagle or giant owl carry three party members (one of which is Veth) without their speed being halved, so I wanted to do some digging on the rules for carrying capacity and see if Veth’s weight was actually pushing the party over the max the creature could carry at full speed. After I did all of this I really felt the need to share it so... Here you go...?

I’ll go into specifics of things under the cut but for those who just want to know the answer, technically a giant eagle’s max carrying capacity is 480lbs and a giant owl’s is 390 lbs. Based on some math and some guessing of some character weights, the party, excluding the polymorphed Caleb and Jester, can be split with Yasha and Fjord on one bird and Caduceus, Beau, and Veth on the other and have their total weights be 386lbs and 380lbs respectively. 

Even if they were playing with the variant encumbrance rules (explained under the cut) their speeds would only drop by 20 feet rather that be halved, so the eagle would still be going 60 feet/round and the owl would be going 40 feet/round rather than 40 and 30. Heck, if they’re eagles, as long as Veth is on the bird with three people, they would both be able to do 60 feet/round. But I SERIOUSLY doubt they’re using encumbrance because, if they were, heavily encumbered creatures (like the birds would likely be when Matt halves their speed) would have disadvantage on all Dex, Str, and Con ability checks, attack rolls, and saving throws. So, really, if they aren’t playing with encumbrance, either they should be half speed when only carrying two people, or they should still be at full speed when carrying three people.

TL;DR: Matt, please, either let them fly faster, or tell me what the rules you’re using are.

I broke this up into sections so that if you already know the rules of carrying weight, or don’t care how I got character weights, you don’t have to read that bit.

Carrying Weight Rules

Ok, so, first things first, how much are these birds supposed to be able to carry? Well, the player’s handbook says a medium creature’s max carrying weight is 15 times their strength score, and twice that amount for a large creature (which is what the birds are) so we get

Giant Eagle (STR: 16) : 16 x 15 x 2 = 480lbs

Giant Owl (STR: 13) :  13 x 15 x 2 = 390lbs

If they are using the encumbrance variant rule, they either become “heavily encumbered” at 10 times their strength score, or 20 times, depending on whether you interpret the rules to say that this value is doubled for large creatures or not. This doesn’t really matter for us because, either way, even just two party members usually means they would be considered heavily encumbered, meaning their speed would decrease by 20 feet, and they  would have disadvantage on all Dex, Str, and Con ability checks, attack rolls, and saving throws. 

Important to note: I couldn’t find any rule that had a creature’s speed cut in half due to carrying weight, but if someone knows of one, let me know, as if it exists, it’s likely what Matt is using, though I suspect he is just making it up (WHICH IS 1000000% VALID)

Character Weights

Some character weights were much easier to find than others, and honestly, all but one is an estimation, but in general, I followed the same process. 

1. How tall are they? - While some characters have their exact heights, others are guesses, and a few are basically me saying “I swear I remember so-and-so saying they were this tall in-game”

The exact heights (from Crit Role Stats) are: 

- Yasha at 5′11″

- Veth at 3′6″

The “I swear  I remember so-and-so saying they were this tall in-game” ones are:

- Caduceus at 7′0″ (the fandom wiki backs me up on this one)

- Beau at 5′5″ (It’s either this or 5′4″ I think, but I went with this)

The only true guess:

- Fjord at 6′0″ (Fjord thinks he’s not very big but Ashley insisted on Talks once that Yasha was shorter than Fjord so this is the best compromise I had)

I didn’t bother with doing Caleb or Jester because, well, they’re the owls usually.

Shoutout to Crit Role Stats for existing and having like, half the character’s heights. If a height or weight seems off, I’m sorry, I did what I could to get a good guess. If there is a CONFIRMED height/weight that I don’t have here, let me know! But if you think Jester is an inch taller or shorter than what I have, I don’t know what to tell you other than “sorry???”

2. What is their race’s average weight for their height? - This is the most math intensive part of all this, but it’s not too bad. Each race has a base height, base weight, height modifier, and weight modifier. The base height and weight are just numbers, so for humans their base height is 4′8″ and their base weight is 110lbs. The modifiers are determined by rolling dice associated with the race, so for humans their height modifier is 2d10 and their weight modifier is 2d4. Your final height would be the base height plus the number you rolled for your height modifier in inches. Then, your final weight would be the base weight plus your height modifier times your weight modifier. By knowing the base heights of each character’s race, and having their height, we can find their height modifier, and use that to determine their maximum and minimum weights, and use those to get their average weight. This is a lot of information, so I made a chart for it

A note on Halflings: Turns out, Halflings are one of the races (others being Gnomes, Goblins, and Kobolds) that don’t multiply their height modifier by anything when applying it to their weight.

3. Adjusting for body type - Based on what we know about these characters, some of the average weights just don’t feel right, so I ended up changing some of them.

- Veth: I left hers as is because Halflings always have a weight modifier of one.

- Yasha: I left hers alone as well because it feels pretty good for a buff barbarian. She’s all muscle.

- Beau: I took her weight down because, as a 5′5″/5′6″ ish woman, I really don’t think someone built for speed and agility is going to be 155 pounds. I guessed roughly 130lbs, though it could be closer to 140lbs, I have never been the owner of a six pack, so I don’t entirely know how much weight that much muscle adds.

- Caduceus: Once again I’m going to mention that the fandom wiki backs me up here by saying that Caduceus is “not necessarily healthily thin” so I took him down to 210lbs. I probably could’ve gone down even a bit more but opted to play it safe to balance out any issues with Beau’s weight.

- Fjord: He’s a notoriously small dude, no way he’s 238 pounds, and given how large his possible weight range is, and his less than impressive strength score, I bumped him down to 195 which seems fair for a guy that’s 6 feet tall, but when you compare it to Yasha, either hers is too high, or his is, but since all of my adjustments are decreases from the average, I’m hesitant to lower either any more.

4. Final Weights - After all that,  we’ve got the party sitting at the following weight approximations:

Yasha - 185lbs

Beau - 130lbs

Caduceus - 210lbs

Fjord - 195lbs

Veth - 46lbs

Putting It All Together

As it turns out, based on these weights, Fjord and Yasha combine to be just six pounds lighter than Veth, Cad, and Beau combined at 380lbs versus 386lbs. In fact, this combination is the only way both groups stay under the girant owl’s maximum carrying capacity of 390lbs. So effectively what this means is if Caduceus has ever been on a giant owl with Fjord or Yasha, the owl shouldn’t have been able to move. That is important. Because if Caduceus has ever been on an owl with Fjord or Yasha, it means that the determining factor of whether or not a giant bird can fly is not the total weight it is carrying, rather it is the number of people it is carrying.

Personally, the best part of this whole thing is knowing that they combination they used at the start of c2e124 was one of only a few that wouldn’t allow both eagles to move at full speed. 

Also, when it comes to encumbrance rules, all of the combinations still only reduce speed by 20 feet per round, so even with those rules they would be going faster than Matt is allowing. 

And One More Thing

I did this because I found it interesting, not because the way Matt is doing things is “wrong” or something. He gets to decide. End of story. But in the case that Matt doesn’t know (lol Matt Mercer not knowing every DnD rule ever? wild) what the rules “technically” are, then I’d love it if he found out and changed how he ran things. 

Basically I’m saying don’t start fandom discourse with my fun DnD math problem. I did it for me and anyone else that cares, and Matt can do what he wants. For all I know I’ve gotten a character weight wrong and it completely ruins the entire thing.

[pixieposts]

Pure Fluff

Recently I made myself a list of writing prompts (compiled from about 5 lists I found on @sociallyawkwardfoxwriter ‘s blog 😅).  I ended up with 34 prompts, and decided that in true Dice Goblin fashion I’m going to roll for it whenever I want to write but can’t get my current WIP’s to work for me!  

This is prompt 32: “Did I ever tell you how beautiful your eyes are?” 

TWs: None

Fjord is drunk in the beginning but everything else is flufffffy.  I’ll be posting on AO3 as well.  

“Did I ever tell you how beautiful your eyes are?”  

Caleb chuckled at him, leaning on the table with his chin rested on his hand

“They’re just so blue, but not like Beau blue they’re more like...  they’re like the ocean, the really deep parts that look like they go on forever y’know?”  

“You are drunk liebling, do you know that?”  

“Pssh, I’m not—I mean, maybe a little but like...” Fjord trailed off, distracted by the way the candles on the table highlighted Caleb’s lashes, making his eyes seem even brighter “you just have really pretty eyes”  

“You are very sweet” Calebs voice was quiet, and a fond smile had spread across his face “you are going to have a horrible headache tomorrow”  

“I’m not that drunk!  Why do you think I’m that drunk?  Why aren’t you more drunk?  You’ve had just as much as me”  

“Nein, I have not, I have only had two, you are on number six now”  

“Oh”

“And I say you are drunk because you would not say these things otherwise Schatz”  

“Sure, I would!”  Fjord huffed, what did he mean Fjord wouldn’t say this sober?  That was ridiculous.  

Fjord watched as Caleb sat up a little, taking a long drink from his stein.  He watched the way Caleb’s throat bobbed as he swallowed, following the movement to his jaw and wondering if the scruff there would be rough or soft.  It looked soft... but it was only a day or so worth, so it would probably still be prickly.  He had a nice jaw too... Fjord preferred him clean shaved just so he could see it, but the beard did give him a sort of rugged charm.  He wondered idly what it would feel like to kiss, maybe if he asked—oh, maybe he was a little drunk.  Well, even if he was drunk, that didn’t change the fact that he was right!  

“I mean it you know”  

Caleb looked back at him, and Fjord realized with a delayed shock that Beau and Caduceus had returned to the table while he had been thinking about Calebs jaw.  

“Mean what?” Beau asked looking between them suspiciously

“It is nothing, Fjord is a complimentary drunk, you know that”  

“Oh, have we reached the “I love everyone” phase already?” she snickered

“I’m not just saying because I’m drunk!  I mean it!” Fjord was getting annoyed now, why didn’t they believe him?  He reached out, gripping Caleb’s chin gently so that he would look him in the eye “I mean it Cay, really, your eyes are beautiful.  So is your smile, it’s all sweet and kissable and stuff.”  

Caleb, already pink around the ears from the attention, went a brighter shade across his cheeks.  He opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it almost immediately.  He didn’t try to move Fjord's hand though, so Fjord left it there.  The stubble was rough, just like he’d thought it would be.  Caleb blinked slowly at him, and Fjord found himself smiling as he noticed the little flecks of gold the candlelight brought out.  

Gods but you are beautiful  

“Oh, is he?” Beau's snickering was back in full force now “I dunno, he’s not really my type, what do you think Caddy?”

“Mister Caleb is very handsome, though that’s not really my area.”  

Caleb pulled away then, his whole face bright red as he lifted his stein, drained it, and stood.  

“I am going for another drink”  

“Bring me one!”  

“No”  

“Dick!”

Beau hopped up and followed Caleb to the bar and Fjord frowned after them.  

“Hey Cad?  You’re good at like... feelings and stuff”

“Sometimes, you’re wondering why Caleb isn’t listening to you?”  

“That, yeah”

Caduceus stared at him for a moment and then smiled kindly.

“I think perhaps, if you want him to believe you, you should try telling him how you feel without the drinks” he paused thoughtfully “well, unless you want tea, it’s good for the nerves.”  

That... might be a good idea actually.  He could do that, he could totally do that!  He would get some sleep, and then in the morning he would tell Caleb again exactly how he felt.  He would have to believe him then!  

Fjord stood and turned, nearly bumping into Caleb as he arrived back at the table.  Caleb looked up at him, his cheeks were back to only a faint blush now and he seemed calmer.  Fjord smiled brightly at him, taking the drink from his hand and setting in on the table before stepping back and pulling out his chair.  Caleb sat slowly, looking confused as he thanked him.  Fjord said goodnight, waving towards where Jester and Veth were cheating at cards, and headed upstairs.  Caleb had put up the mansion in the closet of the room they rented, which Fjord thought was very clever.  

Most of what Caleb did was very clever, especially his magic.

It didn’t take long for Fjord to get himself ready for bed, and he fell asleep thinking of al the things he wanted to tell Caleb come morning.  

---

Fjord hated mornings, and Zemnian beer, and especially the mornings after Zemnian beer.

He stared at himself in the mirror, grimacing at the circles under his eyes and the dry skin of his lips.  Drunk Fjord had done him no favours, he was pretty sure he had drunk absolutely no water.  There was only one remedy for this, coffee and bacon.  Lots and lots of bacon.  

He stumbled out into the main chamber of the tower, intent on getting to the kitchen as fast as he could.  

“Dow--”  

“Fjord?”  

He looked up as Caleb floated down, landing lightly next to him on the ledge.  Fjord blinked at him for a moment, his hair was tied back as usual, but he had left his coat upstairs it seemed.  

“How is the head today?  Not too horrible I hope”  

Fjord grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head and pulling his eyes from Calebs face down to his shoes.  

“Ah-- yeah, I don’t think the beer agreed with me too well”  

Caleb laughed a warm gentle laugh, without any hint of mockery.  

“Ja, it is much stronger than most of the stuff we find in our travels.  Some breakfast and water will help.”  

“That’s the plan, I--” Fjord felt the words die in his throat as he looked up again, directly into Calebs eyes.

Did I ever tell you how beautiful your eyes are?  

Caleb tilted his head slightly, a few strands of hair falling loose around his face as he watched Fjord curiously.

“Are you alright?”  

“Last night...”  

Caleb blushed slightly, coughing to clear his throat and looking down now.  Gods.  

“Ah-- yes, do not worry about that ja?  We all say silly things when we are drunk, I do not—it is fine, truly.”  

Fjord reached out without thinking, tilting Calebs face back up to meet his eyes again.  He had shaved that morning, the scruff from last night was gone, leaving soft skin in its place.  Calebs expression turned searching, eyes moving across Fjords face uncertainly.  Fjord stepped in closer, moving slowly as he rested his other hand on Caleb’s hip, giving him time to move.  When he didn’t, instead seeming to lean into the touch, Fjord took a breath.  

“Cay... have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?”  

“Maybe, but you can always tell me again, if you like.”  

Fjord shifted his hand slightly to cup Caleb’s jaw, running his thumb along his cheekbone and leaning in close enough to feel the puff of Caleb’s breath against his lips.  

“Beautiful”  

As it turned out, Fjord had been entirely correct about just how kissable the wizard was.  

[grimoireofwritings]

Ooh ooh! Dungeons and Dragons headcanons for the Eye of the Midnight Sun members please, both elves and humans!

I actually love their little group cuz I think the characters are underrated and have very interesting dynamics!! Big thanks for sending in this request, I wasn't expecting it and was overjoyed to see it. I am gonna do the members of the Third Eye obviously, as well as Licht / Patri & the other three asshole lackies that I found highly amusing. Enjoy~!

Licht / Patri :

- Ngl I don't think he would give a shit

- He really doesn't care to spend any time with the humans around him, we all find out he despised every last one of em excluding William so if he ever played D&D with a group it would probably have happened back when he was living amongst his people and wasn't busy organizing a genocidal mission

- I really think he would go for a sorcerer or rogue, he is more the clever and calculating type

- Takes the game a little too seriously and he's definitely that one guy who gets too invested in his character and feels personally offended when bad things happen to said character. Be prepared for some salty remarks if he rolls a nat one and it messes up his plans..

- Probably just wants to prove he's smart

- He enjoys dungeon crawls and combat heavy sessions, he is the brains of the group and this happens especially if he's with people who are there for the shits n giggles and they keep straying too far into chaos aka pissing off the DM

- He could maybe have potential to be a decent DM but I really don't think he would care enough to put the time and energy into a well built campaign

- Great at solving puzzles

- Personally shits on anyone who plays a human and furthermore he will only play as elves

Fana :

- Elf Fana, the hateful? I feel like she might go for an evil cleric, or perhaps a fighter. Depends on what would balance out the party dynamic more.

- Human Fana? Definitely a good cleric.. or perhaps a sweet druid lady

- Human Fana really likes playing for the social and bonding experience with people she's close to and she also enjoys the freedom and creativity involved with building characters

- She is the person who takes notes and actually pays attention to what's going on. The DM appreciates her efforts to focus on the story and plot..

- She has probably 2-3 sets of really pretty looking polyhedral dice

Rhya :

- This bitch definitely mains a rogue in almost every party

- He may also go for a ranger as a second option

- Basically the roles focusing on not getting hit.. he would rather not be troubled with taking damage so instead he will use the rogue's sneak attack function to stay in stealth mode 24/7 and remain hidden from enemies.. or just stay out of range as a distanced attacker

- He is the dangerous mf who is impulsive mostly because he definitely does not care enough about safety and would much rather be amused by making really reckless random decisions that may or may not compromise his party and their characters too

- He thinks it's hysterical

- An average roller but he makes it work somehow and even though he's not super intent about taking it seriously he's usually down for a campaign every now and again. It's free entertainment, right?

- At the end of the day though he probably enjoys it a lot more than he cares to admit

Vetto :

- Do I even have to say it

- He's going to be the barbarian or the fighter, he loves abusing the "rage" function and it's his favorite thing to do in-game whenever given the mere opportunity

- His characters actually have a surprising amount of depth and he ends up being someone who enjoys frequent sessions. He takes it on as a bit of a hobby

- He likes playing bigger, brawnier races that are either more rare or unappealing to social norms within the game's universe. He's a bit bigger than most elves so he slips that into his characters.

- He probably is the person who dies more than anyone else but it's because he overestimates what he can handle in battle and gets so excited to rage that he forgets his hit points exist

Valtos :

- Sign him tf up

- Owns all the Dungeon Master's guide books and he makes for an impressive DM

- Has a nerdy side and he takes this game so seriously, he's passionate about it and loves the creative aspect of building his own worlds from scratch

- He's good at improv and molding sessions to the players and their decisions, but may become a little annoyed if it strays really far from his planning or makes said plans impossible

- If he's a player he's definitely a wizard

Sally:

- Sorry did you mean bringer of chaos?

- Probably a DMs worst nightmare

- But with the right party that might help steer her back on track and keep a little more order within their adventures, she can be a good asset to the team with those outside-of-the-box ideas of hers

- She is open to ideas with class and race for her characters but would gravitate towards bards

- Definitely a dice hoarding goblin

- Obsessed with the click clacking math rocks

- She's a very lucky roller usually

- Good at puzzles and problem solving. Sometimes she can really surprise the party with what she can do and she has her moments of glory

- Unfortunately she will make sacrifices, such as a teammate taking severe damage, if she believes it will solve an obstacle or in her eyes, be for the sake of good results... Or a fun possible outcome

- Not the best at communicating during combat

Rades Spirito :

- Not very fun to play D&D with honestly

- Refuses to play anything other than a warlock or necromancer

- It's because he is that one dude who projects wayyyy too much of himself into his characters and it's basically a glorified self insert

- He is not a team player and he's got a very narcissistic approach. Gets butthurt way too easily, and just all around he's invested for all the wrong reasons

- The dungeon artificact you all looted that fits with your character way better than his? Too bad. It's his now

- Hoardes anything good he finds and won't share party loot or gold

- His rolls are cursed. Most commonly ends up between 1-10 with his D20 rolls and that's even worse considering how emotionally immature he is in response to crappy situations

- Don't invite him to your campaign lmao

[teenage-mutant-ninja-freak]

How would the turts feel about an s/o that is a huge fan of dnd. Like wheres costumes to sessions and has dices and mini figures. Apparently the best dungeon master arlund the block, like stories and adventures that make you think and laugh and sob and get angry

I know absolutely nothing about dnd so I’m so sorry if this is inaccurate- everything I do know comes from the research I did for your ask and 2 episodes of community

Leo

Leo is sceptical at first but he wants to take part in your interests so when he has free time he offers to play a game with you

He plays as a half elf 

his weapon of choice is a broad sword (obviously)

he ends up actually really enjoying and getting frustrated when the die doesn’t roll enough for him to do that much damage

he doesn’t play often but makes it count when he does

no advanced playing for this guy, he’s happy with the simple stuff 

doesn’t dress up for the occasion, I feel like costumes aren’t really for him

His favourite story line is the wild curse of Strahd where the team has to rescue the black smith’s daughter who’s been abducted by an orc king 

he almost cried with relief when they got her back he was so into it

his primary move is decapitation, he uses that as much as he can

Raph

Raph has heard of dnd (from Donnie)

He plays as a human just to see how it feels

tries to make his character the biggest and strongest with no weaknesses but of course it doesn’t work like that

Raph is pissed that it doesn’t work like that

His character’s main weapon is an axe

doesn’t always play but does always sit with the rest of you guys while you play and cheers you on

or criticises Mikey’s choices during the game

acts like he thinks it’s dumb but is secretly a massive fan

Mikey gave him a toy axe for his character that he sits with even when he isn’t playing

also kinda takes the piss

has definitely killed Mikey’s player because he was being annoying

and once Leo’s just for the hell of it

Mikey

Oh Mikey is all in, baby

the second you mention any sort of game he wants to try

and Mikey goes all out, costume and everything 

he plays as a half elf who uses a bow and arrow

so naturally he buys fake elf ears and a toy bow and arrow to sit with during the game

has amazing luck with dice rolls

like seriously, this guy is always throwing 20 damage and is very effective

but also very rash and a bit too trusting

“can’t we just make friend with the orcs?”

“you rolled a 7, surprisingly this was very effective and the orcs begin to like you”

is 100% the type to get emotionally invested and laugh or cry depending on the story line

Donnie

meet your dungeon master

he seriously comes up with some of the most intricate stories you’ve ever heard

once even Leo teared up when a handmaiden who was helping you guys was viciously attacked and killed by goblins just because of Donnie’s description

if he’s not dungeon master, he’s playing and usually plays as a magic worker

he has a pointy hat and robe he wears when he does

very tactically based, always working on strategy with the others and making sure they know what the plan is

This guy doesn’t mess around

goes really into detail about his character and makes sure to make them realistic as possible

enjoys mythology based story lines, so anything to do with ancient Greek gods especially if there’s a medusa. 

[updatingthedragon]

Solo Dungeon Adventures/Unique Traps

Solo Dungeons and Dragons gets a shout out in the first edition of The Strategic Review, in a unique manner. Gary Gygax himself wrote this article, with a bit of help from others, in which he outlines a system whereby you, yes you, can play Dungeons and Dragons without… a referee. Yeesh, that just sounds weird. I much prefer Dungeon Master. It’s a much more evocative term than referee. Plus, everyone argues with a referee, but who would dare argue with THE DUNGEON MASTER?!

Well, a lot of people, but I digress. Gygax gives us tables by which we can endlessly generate our own dungeon, if we don’t have any friends to do it for us. It is a… bit clunky, like most things in early Dungeons and Dragons. There are a lot of sub-tables to refer too, monster behavior to keep track of, loot, magic pools of water…

Honestly, there are much better ways to play Dungeons and Dragons these days, with  Roll20 and other sites making it possible for even lonely nerds to find a group, and purpose-written solo adventures that avoid the complexity of Gygax’s system. Even if we want a random dungeon, we can simply Google “random dungeon generator” and get computer programs that will do all of this for us. It’s a lot easier, but it does lack some of that charm.

I can almost picture myself, if I had been a teen in those days, huddled under a blanket, flash light in hand, rolling dice and painstakingly tracing out the Caverns of Zurkrasheim (made it up as I wrote this, and I love it already), wondering with bated breath what I will encounter next. It’s raining outside, with that warm, pleasant smell of long-dry dirt finally getting a drink. A train horn sounds in the distance…

Sorry, got a bit carried away there. Anyway, there is quite a bit of stuff we can steal for 5e. While the game seems to have moved away from dungeon crawls, there are several traps worth a look at. I like the idea of hidden doors that are difficult to find (humans, unaided, had a 1 in 6 chance according to the chart), with some great reward behind them. But secret doors are easy. No, the trap I love the best is the gas trap. You step on a pressure plate, and gas fills the hallway! A great dramatic beat. Not only that, but the gas sub-table illustrates different kinds of gas your players could encounter. One literally made your Fighters stronger, while another would just straight up kill you if you failed a saving throw. With that in mind, here are my handy, uh, “gas traps?” That just sounds wrong…

Gas Trap: DC 16 to detect the pressure plate. If the players step on the trap, there is a hiss as a mysterious gas fills the corridor around them.

Types of Gas: 1. Smoke Screen. The gas is ashen gray and thick. The area covered by the gas is heavily obscured, blocking vision entirely. 2. Poison Gas. The gas is a sickly yellow and carried a vague scent of sulfur. Whenever a creature enters or starts their turn within the cloud, a DC 14 Constitution saving throw. On a failure, take 3d6 poison damage. On a success, take half as much damage. 3. Blinding Gas. This light green gas has a strange texture, as if it is made of shards of finely woven glass. Roll a DC 14 Constitution saving throw whenever a creature enters the cloud or starts their turn within it. On a failure, the creature  is blinded for 1d8 turns. On a success, the creature is able to resist the gas, but will have to roll again next turn if they are still within the cloud. 4. Fear Gas. The gas is darkly colored, with strange flashes reminiscent of lightning rippling throughout. Roll a DC 14 Constitution(or Wisdom, depending on DM choice) saving throw whenever a creature enters the cloud or starts their turn within it. On a failure, the creature is frightened for 1d8 turns and cannot press further into the gas. On a success, the creature is able to resist the gas, but will have to roll again next turn if they are still within the cloud. 5. Sleeping Gas. This blue gas carries with it a sense of calm and the smell of cinnamon. Roll a DC 14 Constitution saving throw whenever a creature enters the cloud or starts their turn within it. On a failure, the creature falls asleep for 1d6 turns. On a success, the creature is able to resist the gas, but will have to roll again next turn if they are still within the cloud. This is also not “magical sleep”, so elves and half-elves beware! 6. Vapor of Valor. The gas is the shade of a summer rose and smells vaguely of rain. Your characters are suddenly reinvigorated, receiving almost all of the effects of a long rest; prepared spells, however, are unable to be changed.  

Why would you want a “Vapor of Valor” in your otherwise dank and dangerous dungeon? I can actually think of two scenarios. The first, “meta-scenario,” is that your players are slogging through a dungeon full of monsters slowly picking away at their health, and they’re unclear if they’re lost or going the right way. Triggering something like this might serve as a signal that, yes, you’re doing it right and reignite their adventuring spirit.

The other, “game-scenario,” is that back when the Caverns of Zurkrasheim (or whatever dungeon) was a Dwarven stronghold (or whatever ancient group ruled there), this corridor led to the arena. Gladiators would walk down this hallway in between fights, and the Vapor would replenish their health and make them ready for another brutal fight. And, thusly, your players walk through the Vapor of Valor, feel good about themselves, and then there’s a click, the floor they are on suddenly raises, and they find themselves in a long abandoned arena facing down a Purple Worm. Much like the stereotypical “ammo and health packs at the boss door,” this ensures your players won’t get absolutely bodied, adds a feeling of expectation, and also gives your world a reason to have the Vapor.

Another thing I think we should pull from Gary’s auto-dungeon tables are magic pools. We must, of course, differentiate these from magic lakes which act as portals to another dimension. Magic pools, on the other hand, have a variety of options on the table. Some pools add to your stats, others subtract. Some pools talk and grant wishes! But since Wish is, ah, dangerous, we should stay away from that…

Magic Pools: A still pool, surrounded by stones. DC 14 Arcana check will identify this pool as magical. Rolling an 18 or above on that check will also identify what kind of pool it is.

1. Pool of Polymorph: This pool seems to be surrounded with a strange array of feathers and tufts of fur. Any creature that enters the pool must make a DC 16 Wisdom save or be polymorphed into a random creature (1d8. 1, rat; 2, eagle; 3, giant crab; 4, wolf; 5, brown bear; 6, giant bat; 7, giant spider; 8, giant hyena). The effect lasts for one hour, when it wears off and restores the creature to their original form. 2. Pool of Teleportation. A strange blue-green gem gives off a faint glow  from the base of this 12-foot deep pool. Any creature that submerges in the pool will appear in a different Pool of Teleportation when they surface. This effect can be disabled by making a DC 14 Arcana check to deactivate the gem at the bottom of the pool. It can be reactivated with an additional DC 14 Arcana check. 3. Pool of Midas Touch. A few gold statues of goblins (or other creatures, depending on what’s in your dungeon) stand by the pool, which appears to be full of gold. Any creature that touches the pool must immediately make a DC 14 Wisdom save. On a failure, that creature begins to turn to gold and is Restrained. The Restrained creature must repeat the saving throw at the end of its next turn, becoming Petrified as a golden statue. The Petrification lasts until the creature is freed by the Greater Restoration spell or other magic. 4. Pool of Souls. The water in this pool is nearly black, with strange runes carved into the stones surrounding it. Any creature that touches this pool will be able to communicate with the souls of ancient sacrificial victims who were slain here. They will answer questions truthfully and to the best of their ability. It is at the DM’s discretion how much they know. Optionally, roll a DC 10 Wisdom save after the first question, increasing the DC by two with each subsequent inquiry. On a failed save, the creature is affected by short-term madness for 1d8 hours. Communing with tortured souls may have consequences, after all. 5. Pool of Strength. The water in this pool is light green and seems almost gelatinous. Any creature that submerges in this pool will receive the effects of a Potion of Hill Giant Strength (Strength Score of 21 for an hour). 6. Djinn’s Pool. This pool radiates a sky blue light. Touching the water summons a extremely self-centered Marid,  who congratulates the party on entering his presence and asks for fitting tribute. It is up to the DM’s discretion on what the Marid will consider fitting tribute. If they comply, the Marid will give them a magical item of the DM’s choice. If they fail to present fitting tribute, the Marid will become bored, summon a water elemental to chase them off, and “close the door” by shutting off the connection between the Pool and the Elemental Plane of Water. If players bring up Wish, the Marid will calmly explain he was once “indisposed” and forced to grant Wishes, so he’d rather not. If players bring up Wish again, the Marid will become enraged and fight the party himself.

I think that’s enough to draw out from this assortment of auto-dungeon tables. Six different gases for your gas trap, six different kinds of magic pools for players to encounter. Pretty neat, if I do say so myself.

[shy-magpie]

RQG AR4

One thing about walking into the fandom 15 minutes late with Starbucks, is that I know this is the last episode of the side quest. Even if I hadn't spoiled myself, there is no way they wouldn't have at least a hint of how they were getting home last episode if they were going to act on it in this one. Which is as much as fair warning for my emotional butt as it is a spoiler. Just for tonight "it means we get Zolf back" isn't enough consolation. Especially because I am pretty sure taking that spear for our stabby girl is what signed his death certificate. Grizzop, may Artemis welcome you to her hunting party, you were a Good Paladin. (my spoilers better have been right, because Sasha living in a place her crime family doesn't exist; with locks like toys, is as close to Heaven as I see her finding. If they tried to make her play harp for eternity, she'd brain someone with it) If he has to go, killing a bunch of objectively evil cultists is how he'd want to go. Sasha is great at acrobatics. I love how Alex gives us Watsonian explanations for the rolls, but reminding her she lost her Ice Dagger was unnecessary. Why are the dice mean to Sasha? Ben don't! Even if I didn't know, that would scare me. Also has he healed himself lately? Ow Ben? Alex? Why is Sasha/Lydia the only one who is reacting right? I know death scenes are fun to play but honestly, Ben, cheer is not the mood I was expecting Oh that ripping sound Thank you Lydia/Sasha (both for the reaction and not breaking the mics/my heart*) Ben! I thought his Elias laugh was evil Maths Gremlin!Ben The last thing that Sasha sees... Alex tried to kill us along with Sasha. During that "Sasha isn't religious" debate an entire fic about Grizzop smuggling her in to Artemis's heaven like contraband unfurled in my mind, and I don't have the skill to write it. Gee Ben if you cared about her having a friendly paladin around maybe don't knowingly bring on every attack of opportunity Poor Sasha has been knocked out often Alex :"good" ; that was so not good even before you started describing the whole "tied up & bleeding" thing. Is that pity perception? Are they going to try to feed her to the dragons? Glad someone feels like laughing... Alex will not give her those hit points back So Cicero is alive No one is giving any sympathy to your NPCaptain Red armor? No you are not following up Grizzop's death and Sasha's capture with trying to make me care about a Martian. Ben, I can see where this is your actual job to wring out as much pain about Grizzop's death as possible so I will try to quit snapping at you in text. The real reason to play into the evil GM trope is to keep you and Alex from working together to break our hearts. Grizzop was left where he fell. I am far too easily appeased, I wish seeing a dragon didn't improve my mood this quickly Do we know which one? Does he eat a Martian? Ah, it doesn't - oh Alex is giving us a gift! Fried Martian! Small Dragon? Brass? Apophis? It is! Alex went 3rd person, weirdly humanizing Break Lydia refers to Ben as "Hanging around like a bad smell" Alex "I mean, eventually if you leave him there long enough, yeah" I hope they do attack Rome, only Romans would treat the dragons that badly and not expect them to raze the city Sasha- I love you and your daggers; that is exactly what she would do once she had enough. Snackrifice?! Alex, I am not ready to laugh Diplomacy check? On Sasha? Especially under the circumstances? Sasha? Did you insult the dice? Offend a God? Grizzop would want her to loot his corpse! Sasha would do it either way but for the record, he serves a very practical Goddess. Oh Sasha, hope hurts (even if you call it curiosity) She turns him over to close his eyes and gives him a hug. Alex gives us a moment of stillness. Ah Ben rolls for the heal since its Grizzop's last gift to Sasha Tough love from Sasha, she forces a healing potion down Cicero and carries him to safety He would monologue Don't you dare blame "The Goblin"! Thank you Sasha! Good for his health that he isn't monologuing anymore Yeah any trace sympathy I had for the Romans died when they tried to sacrifice Sasha to the dragons (who they mistreated) after killing Grizzop. Lets get out of the city. Poor Sasha keeps checking now that they're out of the city but can't help anyone Is this Sasha's epilogue? Children in an idyllic farm? Oh it is a soft epilogue my love. Trust Alex & Co to break my heart and heal it in the same episode Oh Grizzop wakes up feeling great in the forest, this has to be the lands of Artemis. This is a good eternity (seriously Alex's world building is lovely). "right, so this is what's next" Lydia made the same noise as my heart. Bwah, She is taking care of all the kids that might have ended up like her in the bad way, and helping them end up like her in the good way. She is even doing this legally and has moral codes in her contracts. Re:out takes: Thank you Lydia! She is trying to explain to everything I tried to type to Ben. *I joke about Ben, but knowing he, Lydia, and Alex are doing well enough to joke with each other is why I can relax enough to be this openly emotional. I've had to drop out of fandoms in the past because I found out the actors weren't being treated right because somebody thought getting a reaction was more important than the risk to a real person. They've talked in the Q&As & various social media about trusting each other and talking things through out of character. Not only does this help prevent harm to them, I strongly believe its why they handle heavy topics in a way that doesn't leave me having to brace. Characters die, parents aren't always great, but stuff gets telegraphed/foreshadowed instead of being a sucker punch, I don't think they've ever done anything for pure shock value, and they honestly care about how it will impact the listener.

[thedappleddragon]

Day 123 (Tuesday July 14th)

I woke up feeling wierd in a way that’s hard to describe. As if every other day i woke up like a clean cut 2x4 piece of wood, but today I was partially rotted and covered in dirt, trying to be fit into the same space as a clean board. Idk. But I stayed in my room for a while and made eggs for breakfast. My friends set up a dnd session last minute in our rich friend’s basement, and at first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. But then more people responded in the group chat and I saw my one really friendly male friend was going so I made up my mind to go. I told my mom I would need a ride and went outside in my backyard for a while with my cat. She was really cute laying in the sun and purring, but I feel bad because she can’t see outside. Her eyes are always as big as dinner plates, and while it super cute, it might also mean she has brain damage and can’t adjust her pupils. I practiced driving with my mom and sister for about 45 minutes and I did really badly. I know how roundabouts work but I fucked them up a little bit and she kept yelling at me about not slowing down and stopping properly. She was right but it still made me mad, and I was at least partially spaced out the entire time.

I got out of the car and helped the host friend look for their dnd figurine for a while until we decided that it was lost and went to the basement. She went around looking a while longer while the rest of us set things up, picking out dice and doing the best we could with limited figurines. The host eventually brought out a tray full of squinkies (tiny squishy animal toys) and Japanese erasers (the kind you take apart and put together but never actually use as an eraser). I ended up using a rock from the driveway as my figure, and the host used a little pendant with a shiny dragon scale pattern on it.

None of us knew who was going to dm before we got there, so we decided to take turns, which quickly lead to our dice goblin friend DMing. It was her first time, but she did really good!! The party started off in a tavern obviously, rolling for inebriation. Valka is underage but was served alcoholic apple cider instead of apple juice on accident lol. Then a fourtune teller approached and answered one question for each of us. I asked if Valka’s dad was doing ok, since he was on his boat and she was on land and they hadn’t seen each other in a while. He missed her 🥺. The fortune teller was sketchy and creepy and probably scammed us but it was fun anyway. The next morning a little boy approaches us, asking if we can help find his dog. We were all suspicious at first, but Valka trusted him pretty quickly. We followed him until he ran into the forest, where we were immediately suspicious again, questioning him about what kind of dog he was looking for and if there really was a dog or if it was an illusion. We reached a clearing in the forest where he pulled out a knife and 3 bandits jumped out of the bushes. Valka immediately pulled out a mace and hit him upside the head, having no problem beating up a fellow child. Combat was going great until the first “bandit” was killed, whereupon the little boy turned his head around and shouted “DAD!” My soul SHATTERED in that moment. The next bandit got hit and the the kid whipped his head the other direction and cried out “DAD!” again. The dog went down and he cried out “CHARLIE, NO!” We were atracking this poor child’s dog and two gay dads. The third bandit, their daughter, ran the other way. When Valka’s turn rolled around she ran over to the unconscious dad and spent a health potion she had stolen back when school was in session and dnd club was still a thing. He was still unconscious, but stable. She was the first to stop attacking because she loves her dad very much, and could never imagine what she would do if her father was hurt or killed. We called for the family to come back. They were very poor, having to resolve to mugging and petty crime to survive. We all apologized for attacking and set up a campfire in the clearing.

We rolled for an order in which to tell stories around the fire, but then the host friend offered to make chicken tenders for us all so we paused the game. We sat downstairs and chatted for a little while until I realized the host wasn’t coming back downstairs, so we went upstairs and sat on the couch and talked. I laid down, and dice goblin friend laid down perpendicular to me and I burst out laughing from the sudden urge to just slap her face. Later, she picked up her head and I sat upright normally, instinctually picking up a pillow and putting it on my lap. She laid back down with her head on the pillow, so I patted her head and stole her glasses. We all traded glasses and compared eyesight like people always do whenever someone takes off their glasses. When the chicken tenders were done, we brought them downstairs along with chips and dips and goldfish and snacked and listened to the host talk about star wars to way too long. Friendly male friend had to leave, and dice goblin and baby friends’ social batteries were running low, so we hmmed and hawed for a minute wondering what to do until the host recommended watching a movie. We watched History of the World Part 1, and it was really damn funny and vulgar. I probably would have preferred if it was toned down a little bit, and all my favorite parts were the lack of sex/orgy jokes, but I still enjoyed it. Then we settled into quietly drawing together. I drew moments from the night and inside jokes and whatever came to mind.

I had some pizza and watched YouTube and painted the driveway rock I took, just kind of chilling for a while. I checked artfight and accidentally made myself mad. I got upset that I put a lot of effort into my attacks to make them look nice, and not liking some of the attacks I get back. I understand that that’s just part of artfight and not every artist is at the same skill level, and it might sound petty of me, but whatever. What makes me the most upset was when all the other pieces an artist made for other people look really nice, but then the one they made for me looks rushed or in a different style. Idk man typing this out makes me feel like an asshole, but I still want to document my thoughts and feelings. If anyone from AF is reading this, don’t worry!! I’m not mad at you!!! It’s all good.

[goblin-wlw]

Types Of Girls: Goblin Hoard Edition Pt. 1

Gems - Looks gud in everything, makeup is perfect, laugh sounds like colored glass, will talk 4 hours about her passions, soft hands, shiny and colorful painted nails, isn’t afraid 2 fight u 2 the death, looks gud and kicks ur bum at the same time, makes a perfect wife

Knives - Dark jackets, leans against brick walls, deep eyes, can be soft when u get 2 kno her, likes loud music, will fight u, smirk will melt ur soul like chocolate, getting her 2 laugh makes u feel like a goddess, will go feral when she sees dog, makes a perfect wife

Crystals - Doesn’t wear makeup, has lots of raw crystals in room, health conscious, drinks lots of water, will worry about ur chakras, knows in her bones when u are sad, magic probably, has shiny rock hoard of her own, likes instrumental music, will remind u 2 breathe, makes a perfect wife

Smooth Rocks - Barefoot, impulsively squishes moss, wears shorts with pockets and puts rocks in them, will stop midsentence 2 look at bird, gets mud on clothes, walks in streams, luvs worms and snails, will catch and kiss frogs just because, dirt under fingernails, never lost, makes a perfect wife

Buttons - Smol, wears lots of DIY jewelry, handmakes presents 4 friends every holiday and sometimes just because, takes thrift store clothes and gives them personality, does hair different every day, very cute, uber huggable, will squeal when u pick them up, makes a perfect wife

Shells - Flip flops, tank tops, has sand all over room, has jar of cool rocks and shells and sea glass, always a little sunburned, smells like ocean, plays in tide pools, puts starfish back in water, goes 2 the aquarium when it’s cold outside, likes ice cream, worried about the sea turtles, makes a perfect wife

Beads - Has lots of jars with color-coded things in them, p much lives at craft store, probably a cat person, has an Etsy, wears hairclips she made herself, colored streaks in hair, messy room but clean workspace, starts lots of projects that she doesn’t always finish, makes a perfect wife

Dice - Always has notebook or sketchbook, lives in fantasy world, has more dice than she knows what 2 do with, quiet but if u ask questions about her stories she will talk 4 the rest of forever, doesn’t want 2 bug people, very creative, sees the world different, makes a perfect wife

Costume Jewelry - Outgoing, probably in drama, lots of friends and luvs them all, will remember ur birthday but forget the homework, listens exclusively 2 musical numbers, beautiful voice, will always compliment ur outfit, makes u feel gud about ur self, bright smile, makes a perfect wife

Flowers - So soft, wears flowers in hair, will cuddle anytime, makes a perfect little spoon, soft kisses, happy laughs, listens 2 cute music, will shock u when she swears 4 the first time, emotional and not afraid 2 express her feelings, feels like she’s made of watercolors, makes a perfect wife

Broken Glass - Messiest room ever, knows where everything is no matter what, always a little late, takes lots of pictures of everything, always has backpack, hoards everything she finds on ground, KonMari method is not helpful because everything sparks joy, might forget ur name but means well, makes a perfect wife

Plastic Animals - Still rocks light up Sketchers, cartoon t-shirts, has Pokemon cards, likes dinosaurs, still has LPS toys and remembers all their names, lots of stuffed animals, is a gud babysitter but probably also needs babysitter, still luvs Scholastic book fairs, has lots of badly painted plastic animals and dinos, makes a perfect wife

Bones - Dark makeup, goth, wears dark clothes, not afraid 2 swear, listens 2 rock n roll, rocks a choker, sees the world 4 it’s imperfect reality, nihilist, but probably a surprisingly optimistic nihilist, is actually very sweet and kind, has sharp edges and that’s ok, makes a perfect wife

Keys - Wears flannel over t-shirts, denim shorts, always on a roadtrip, wants 2 run in 2 the woods and become a cryptid, knows all cryptids by heart, swears she’s seen bigfoot, willing 2 believe in the impossible, probably an alien or a faerie and that is very neat of them, makes a perfect wife

Coins - Surprise!!! Coins is all other girls!!1 Because there r 2 many 2 list and they’re all wonderful!!! Different and unique no matter where u go!!! See 1 on the street and get very excited!!! Always a happy thing 2 find!!! Makes a perfect wife!!!! I luv u all!!!

[o-hybridity]

how would you make a tabletop system like D&D that's crunchy for players, but not a huge pain in the ass for the DM to make monsters?

This is the Eternal Question, and it cuts pretty close to the core of my basic principles of design philosophy! I don’t know if I have a definitive answer but I can springboard into a meandering explanation of the things I’ve done to wrangle with this exact problem. Here goes:

for a while I thought there was a game that answered that question perfectly, and it was called Dungeon Crawl Classics. I don’t hold that belief now (Zocchi dice…), but we can loot an important principle from its couple of good design decisions:

1. Every player gets one really good toy. DCC’s chief virtue is that it found a way to make Fighters a fun choice, not just the choice that’s less mentally taxing than being a spellcaster, and the way they make that work is by giving the role an inherently textured core mechanic called Mighty Deeds of Arms. Instead of giving them a flat ascending to-hit bonus that’s just numerically better than the other classes get, Fighters in DCC roll a separate Deed die that scales with level alongside the attack roll and add the Deed die to the to-hit roll and damage, and if the Deed die comes up 3 or higher they also pull off a maneuver that improves their immediate tactical situation.

Swashbuckling chandelier swings, disarms, feints, coating your foe in lamp oil, and basically anything Jackie Chan has ever done besides just hit guys count as Deeds, and the only things you need to make them happen are your own imagination, GM fiat, and the will of the dice—just so long as the effect isn’t “do more damage.”

Altogether, the method requires even less bookkeeping than your standard D&D fighter, while being way more versatile and giving the player something to actively play with and find new implementations for every time their class role is relevant.

Spellcasters in DCC similarly put some wrinkles in the Vancian procedures by getting rid of conventional spell levels, turning each spell into a range of effects keyed to the results of a casting check, and letting casters burn their physical stats temporarily to pump up a single casting attempt—and that’s before we get into mutations and faustian pacts. The role falls into some of the same pitfalls it always has: spellcaster players have to juggle a lot more functions than fighters or thieves and at the top of their game they’re still going to make wilder shit happen than the other classes, though it balances out a bit by making casting itself a higher-risk affair.

The trouble with DCC’s classes is it tries to spread about 2.75 really good player toys across five classes, and when it comes to thief stuff it can’t really come up with anything all that good.

So Digression 1: What makes a really good player toy? How do we fill out those empty spaces in the party roster with cool stuff for players to use that isn’t a headache to keep track of?

In my humble onion, a good player toy needs to be flexible, haptically engaging, low-bookkeeping, and freely usable but not strictly predictable. To be flexible, a player needs to be able to apply the toy in a range of play situations—getting too attached to pre-defined mechanical effects is toxic to flexibility. A haptically engaging toy prompts the player to engage with something physically at the table to use it; die rolls are the most obvious but there’s lots of options ranging from the nifty to the balls-out bizarre.

There’s also some mechanics that I think are inherently more satisfying because the things they make you do with numbers has kind of an inherent pleasure that feels kinesthetic—I get warm, kind of stimmy feelings thinking about roll-high-but-not-too-high dice pool systems.

Low-bookkeeping toys are pretty self-explanatory; if it requires resource management or tracking multiple modifiers across different locations on the character sheet, those elements need to be doing extra work to make themselves memorable. The Goblin Laws of Gaming’s spellcasting system introduces a bookkeeping element in that you have to track your caster’s accumulated Dooms, but any caster only ever gets 3, the last one is pretty final, and they all translate into memorable moments of play.

When I say that a good toy is freely usable but unpredictable, I mean that the mechanic should tempt the player to use it often—because it’s powerful, because the results are exciting or cool—and temper that eagerness to toy with it less with anxiety over whether they’re going to blow one of their limited uses on a whiff or a no-sell when they could need it later and more with the question of whether it might blow up in their faces this time. Spellcasters in DCC or GLOG are way more equipped to cast all day long compared to their D&D brethren, and that leaves caster players in a position to have more fun with their role, but there’s always the lingering possibility a spell might pop off wrong and now you’ve got a lobster hand. Even when a PC gimmick doesn’t work in the player’s favor, it should make the next moment more exciting. Non-events are poison to gameplay.

Something to keep in mind in reference to player toys: nothing obligates you to make these toys all fit into a single coherent reference frame or “preserve game balance.” What you’re looking to do here is create what game devs over on the digital side of things call Incomparables—play elements that you can’t meaningfully “balance” because you can’t meaningfully convert one into the terms of another.

All of this is building up to point 2. Monsters are self-contained toys for the GM to play with. Like how you’re not obligated to have player toys all fit together neatly into a balanced and 100% shared language of play, monsters can and should operate on their own distinct mechanical plane, and not every monster will be able to fit within the same framework of rules matter.

By that token, I strongly encourage anyone looking to break out of the framework of play you’ll find in a WotC book to ditch as much of the content  in your statblock that carries over into the character sheet as you can. Give ‘em hit dice and hp totals, sure, give ‘em an AC rating and I won’t complain, to-hit bonuses even if you’re feeling nasty, but skip the ability scores and saving throws and proficiencies, and remember that there’s a special circle in hell for designers who give monsters big piles of feats that you have to dig back and forth through the damn book to find and make spot play decisions around (admittedly that’s not the problem it used to be back when 3e was what everyone was doing, but damned if I’m going to let anyone forget that it was a thing).

That sounds like heresy, but here’s the wild thing: there’s a whole armature of play to D&D that nobody uses and it would make the whole affair so, so much simpler if we did, because D&D is built to be a player-facing system, despite appearances. The original mechanic’s been buried under ability score modifiers, saving throws, attack rolls, and skill DCs, but it’s still there, baked into the dice and the stat spread.  Roll a d20 and compare the result against the relevant ability score; if it’s equal to or lower than the stat in question, you done did the thing. High rolls within the margin of success are better than low ones; use this to determine who comes out on top in a contested action when there’s a tie.

Bam, you’re done. That’s your core task resolution mechanic. The great thing about this is that it takes a huge amount of pressure off the GM to pin down extraneous numbers. Your monster doesn’t need an AC score, just a penalty it applies to a player’s attack check. Same with to-hit bonuses, just applied to the roll the player’s making to avoid or resist the attacks it has. Same with exceptional (or exceptionally shitty) base abilities like strength, speed, and intelligence. You don’t need to so much as think the phrase “Passive Perception.” All of that lets you pare down a monster’s statblock to a pretty spare couple of lines that you can fit on a notecard, leaving you room and time to come up with mechanical texture that’s actually fun.

Additionally, using stats this way leaves plenty of room to come up with fun implementations on the players’ end. Stat damage rules begin to make a lot more sense when you strip away all the derived values and re-center your players’ attention on those 5% probability increments. Rolling high but shooting for less than a target number is one of those mechanics that’s really satisfying to then carry over into some kind of direct numeric result. Just narrowing things down to a smattering of possibilities for martial characters, n this framework you can set up mechanics for defensive fighters to convert a failing attack roll into a substitute AC score for the next round, while a more buckwild berserker type who plays more for risk/reward sets their hp total to whatever the die result is—that 1 hits, but now your timetable for the fight’s shifted drastically, but if you hit high, you can pull in a killer second wind. In short, you have an infinite canvas for crunch if that’s what your players are into.

[internetremix]

I was wondering... Do you any of you have tips for a rookie GM? I'm setting up a game night here soon and I'm stressing the heck out over it.

Alex: No matter what game system you play it's usually quite intimidating because there are like 600 pages of information to digest. At any given time you need to have memorized only, like, thirty. At the end of the day most tabletop games are just two things - math and improv. Admittedly things that, outside of tabletop games, people go out of their way to avoid, but still.

Stress can lead people to get things done fast but also get things done sloppy. You don't need to plan out every single detail of what the characters might encounter eventually in a session. You can flesh out a couple of interesting people, places, or things you want them to see and just keep a scratch card of notes and traits for if/when they go off the beaten path. Remember, no matter what you plan, there is no accounting for the actions of players, and rolling with them provides a far better experience than slamming your fist down and saying "NO" to every deviation.

And above all else, remember that tabletop games are a collaborative effort. People come together to play games, tell stories, and shoot the shit. If shooting the shit overtakes the game you can rein that in a little but at the end of the day everyone's there voluntarily to have fun, and no one is there to see anyone fail.So to recap -

1. You are the arbiter of rules no matter what the book says. You can double-check later and take notes for future games if it becomes an issue but generally you only need to have in mind rules that are actively going to be used in game. If you don't know the exact way to handle something just make up what the closest action would be and if the player rolls what you think is well enough to do it, they did it.

2. If you don't have time to take notes on every single thing the players might encounter, congratulations, you're an average person. You only need a few based on the following factors - what do you want the players to do, how do you think they're going to do it, and do you have something prepared for when they go off the beaten path.

3. Have fun! Seriously, it's called a tabletop GAME, not a tabletop dictatorship.

Kristen: All of my games are Tabletop Dictatorships, all of them. Unfortunately I'm a terrible, weak-willed dictator so this helps nothing.

Alex: Discord Murder Party is different. Mafia/Werewolf operates way differently than D&D and needs a GM SPECIFICALLY so that players don't go off the rails.

Kristen: You are 100% correct.

God my first tabletop I ever DMed for I made my own thing and wrote like... twenty pages for my first session. And then as soon as I started, my players were like HEY I WANNA EXPLORE THE SHOPS

"O-oh.... y-yeah, here's uh... heeeere's a list of shops..."

So then I had to improv like... five shops and make multiple NPCs on the fly and then I found out "it turns out writing an entire paragraph for every NPC is an awful idea because you can't fucking read those notes mid-session"

So my point is don't do that.

Juno: Oh yeah. Last night I had to make up a guy named Lucas on the spot because JoJo's character wanted to convince a guy not to kill them

Kristen: YEP I ran the generic 5e DnD starter for a group of friends and somehow it went from a generic "you all hunt down and kill a bunch of goblins and a bugbear in a cave, way to go" to "You spared a Goblin who has a ridiculous Brooklyn accent who hates his job and now you're starting a ridiculous worker's revolution and this has ended with you all enlisting every other goblin you were supposed to fight into swarming the bugbear boss. Okay."

Juno: I mean. That's a pretty bomb plot twist if you ask me.

Kristen: Oh yes, I enjoyed it immensely. Also really in the context of a DnD game I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be doable cause I don't think any of them were supposed to be able to speak common. If your players are setting themselves up for a more interesting story and you have to bend the rules a bit to make it happen, go for it. One of the most important things for GMing is making your players feel like they have agency- as Alex said, it's collaborative, it's not just you telling your players a story.

Another thing to keep in mind is what sort of players you have. I usually prefer to play with people who are more into the RP/story aspect, but some people are gonna be more into them fighty fights and mechanics and such. Which is fine and can work, it's just a matter of striking a balance in your game.  I usually try to tailor things in such a way that everyone's getting a chance to get what they want out of a game and their shot at the spotlight, in whatever manner that takes. For me it's helped to ask my players directly "hey, what do you want out of this game? Do you have any ideas or anything you're really into?"

Mostly what I'm saying is just try to keep in mind what your players are in this for, since that contributes a lot to how much fun you all have.

Atwas: Something that's helped me a lot is to not stress out or stop the game entirely to double check rules. It sort of kills momentum. In my experience, ruling a situation and then looking something up later is a lot less stressful than the pressure of putting something completely on pause while you flip through a book/google something.

If you're doing stuff in real life, I would recommend making a little cheat sheet of your PC's information. My DM screen has sticky notes with each party characters HP, AC, Passive Perception, and Spell Save DC to keep things streamlined.

Kristen: Oooo smurt

Alex: Hell yeah dude. Also there are custom DM screens you can get tailor-made to give you quick rules references. Fairly cheap on Amazon.

Atwas: Also your players don't know if you're winging stuff unless you tell them. ;^)

Also also don't be scared of bumping monster hp up or down depending on a fight or having monsters run away or call in reinforcements. If you go off script in an encounter--surprise! Nobody knows but you. I did that quite a bit when I was starting out because balancing encounters is a bit of an art and CR is a loose guideline at best.

Also also also the point of the game isn't to win. Don't fall into the trap of "beating your players" or stuff like that. Imo that kind of messes with the table dynamics unless 100% of everyone is on board with that type of game.

Kristen: Yeah, don't fall into that and also be careful not to go into the mindset of "punishing" your players if they do something dumb. Like if it's a silly "you did this thing and consequences have gone WILDLY outside of what you expect wheee", awesome, but I've had DMs who basically would act like if you didn't somehow read their minds and find their exact solution, welp you made a dumb choice and now everyone is penalized for it. Made for a pretty toxic atmosphere, do not recommend. Kind goes hand in hand with "don't be a tabletop dictator".

Atwas: oh gods i could go on and on about how punishing someone in game never works for out of game behaviour but i digress. also please don't feel afraid to talk to your players, even if having adult conversations is difficult.

Juno: Cause and effect is the biggest thing to think about I think, especially in a DMing situation.

Alex: For instance, siccing a Revenant on the party? Thavagath made a bad decision in character, that's the natural consequence, he gets a chance to save his ass. Someone makes a dick joke about your carefully crafted NPC? Don't be a dick right back.

Atwas: sweats, trying to think back to the last time a dick joke was made in Fallen Empires

Alex: Like I think the last major one was Phill pulling a muscle stretching so hard to make a joke for five minutes about the "Male Room" rather than the "Mail Room"

But then we - wait for it - ACTUALLY DISCUSSED THE ISSUE OUT OF GAME and stuff like that doesn't pop up any more.

Atwas: WHAT? SPEAKING LIKE REASONABLE ADULTS?!?! IN MY TABLETOP?!?!?! it's really useful. please have those conversations, even if they're uncomfortable. and if something is becoming an issue, bring it up sooner rather than later--turns out that people can't change stuff if they don't know about it! Most people want to stay friends after a campaign after all.

Jojo: Have your story planned, npcs, and what you want an end goal to be. Make sure it's all planned out BEFORE asking people to join it. And if you need a second DM to help you with Dice or story, then that's ok too! I'm still a beginner DM myself, so that's the best advice I can give

These guys are pros, so listen to them

Phill: Heheh... male room

Alex: Phill no you'll pull your hamstring again

Phill:

Atwas: what do you think is Phill's average Henderson rating?

Alex: Phill has at least One Henderson in him, he destroyed Underdark to the point of we can't go back to it ever now.

Phill: I mean. Yeah. Honestly, I could've very easily seen phresh reach a 1.75 hendersons eventually.

Atwas: I'd say 1.75 works. 2 is still out of reach, but one day...

Xander: Underdark is cursed content and deserved better

Atwas: How many of he players had that as their first campaign? 3/5?

Xander: I believe so

Alex: Uprising and I had played before, I don't think Jojo, Dawn, or Phill had.

Xander: I'm probably gonna reboot Underdark one day. Wipe the slate clean. Probably not gonna be done on IR

Alex: We did it! We reached two Hendersons!

Xander: Two full Hendersons.

Phill: time unveil my new original character. Blesh

Alex: Blerish

Xander: More like Blemish

[playeroneplayertwo]

The Ten: 5.19

It seems a good icebreaker, or as good an icebreaker as any, to lay bare my top 10 of all time. Clear the air, so to speak. Get to know each other. It’s fair to say that this may be a make or break moment for us. Hopefully, I won’t lose you. Let’s see.

This is a list I imagine I’ll update periodically (which is why it’s dated), as my wife Kathleen (Player Two) and I play a lot of games, and a lot of new games. I’m a notoriously curious and searching type, and I love trying new games, sometimes to my wife’s chagrin. More often than not, my spare change goes to new games for the house. New games that make a splash tend to spike pretty high and then slowly fade. It’s not a great trait to have, especially in someone who tries to speak or write critically about quality (ie write reviews). But being that I’m aware of this, I hope that tempers it at least somewhat.

Anyway, where’s the list, you say? Here we go:

1. Brass: Birmingham (2018)

Oh boy, it’s a new one. Cult of the new? To be fair, Kathleen and I have played this game fairly regularly for the last eight months. By our third play or so, I knew it had locked itself into my top spot. I’d done a fair bit of research on the OG Brass (now Brass: Lancashire) prior to purchasing Brass: Birmingham, and by the time I eventually took the dive and purchased Birmingham, I was as excited to try it as I was unsure we’d actually enjoy it. At the time, it was the heaviest game we’d played, and it also relies heavily on route building–it’s in fact one of the most important parts of the game. I mention this because tactical spacial elements are not Kathleen’s forte. In fact, it’s one of her least favorite mechanics.

This is a good time to tell you that Kathleen and I think (and play games) very differently. Kathleen is a strategic player, relying on long term planning and execution to maximize scoring/performance. I, on the other hand, do not make long term plans. I find it not only remarkably difficult, but also unenjoyable. I’m a short term/tactical player. On my turn, I’m more likely to look over the board, get a lay of the land, and make the best, most advantageous play available to me at that moment.

Brass: Birmingham remarkably manages to cater to both of our play styles, which is one reason it ranks so high. Birmingham presents a myriad options for players to pursue. You’ve got a whole pile of different factory tiles you can build, a whole mess of locations or regions to move into, and about as many different strategies to pursue on your way to the end game. I don’t think I’ve ever played the same game of Brass: Birmingham twice, nor have I ever pursued the same options. The card play means, for me, that I will go where the cards lead, and I find using these cards as a guide to build my engine incredibly satisfying.

2. Covert (2016)

Dice placement. For some reason, this mechanic sounds incredibly unappealing to me, and I think it’s because it’s literally a portmanteau mechanic consisting of the worker placement mechanic using dice, two individual mechanisms that I seem to enjoy less and less. Dice I tend to avoid for their randomness (yes, I know that’s the point), and Worker Placement, in it’s most stereotypical application, I find frustrating. Why can’t I just put my worker wherever I want and just run my engine? Being stymied in a worker placement game just annoys the hell out of me.

So why do I love Covert?

It’s a pretty straightforward points race built around mission cards that have specific requirements. And using the dice as workers seems a fairly typical euro mechanism, but what I like about Covert is how puzzly it is. When you place your dice workers, they’ll be placed on round tracks with spaces numbered 1-6, and you won’t be able to place a die unless it’s adjacent to another die. In this case, you can do anything you want, but only if you plan correctly and work well with the other players. It becomes an order of operations puzzle, which may frustrate some, but I love it.

Also, I can’t get enough of that spy theme. And the production is fantastic.

3. Eldritch Horror (2013)

Ah, Cthulhu. For being the spawn of such a troubled person (HP Lovecraft), I find Cthulhu’s mythos and surrounding universe positively enthralling. 

But dice! Ugh yes, this is a huge, sprawling, long, and [sorta] bloated game that is built all around a very simple dice rolling resolution system. I have no way of justifying why this doesn’t bug me, but it just doesn’t.

Maybe I’m just a sap for the theme (Indiana Jones + Cthulhu = Win). Or maybe it’s nostalgia, considering this is the game on my top ten that I’ve played the most and had the longest. But, if I try to dig into the real reasoning here, it’s probably because this game manages to give you a big, rich, story-based experience that feels like an event when it’s over. Yes, it’s the biggest, longest play session on this list. But I love every minute of it. Even those maddening bad dice rolls.

4. Lord of the Rings: The Card Game (2011)

A long time ago, Kathleen and I came to this hobby via Magic: The Gathering, the deep, long standing king of the collectible card game. Magic is a great game, but it brings out the worst in me as a gamer. Playing Magic makes me both a bad winner and bad loser. Frankly, that’s a terrible combination. Why would you want to play with me at all?

This obvious problem led us to cooperative board games. If I’m gonna lose, why don’t I just lose with you. That’s a refreshing change of pace!

And speaking of losing, hey let’s talk about Lord of the Rings: The Card Game. The word used most frequently when talking about this game–by me and pretty much anybody who’s ever played it–is PUNISHING. And yes, it’s punishing. Kathleen and I have played a few punishing euros at this point (feed those people), but this is something else. Get a few bad card flips from the encounter deck and you’re suddenly up to your eyeballs in LOTR baddies. Orcs and goblins? Oh hai. But your dwarves or hobbits or whatever are never really out of it. Smart deck building (and luck) definitely has carried us out of the tall grass on more than one occasion. And there’s something to be said for a game as well balanced as Lord of the Rings. More than once, a game has concluded on a turn where we either win or lose based on that single turn’s outcome.

The theme doesn’t really do much for me, but I took the dive on this game because it looked like a well-designed and well-supported cooperative card game (of which there really aren’t too many). It’s stood tall over the years, and I hope it continues for a while. When I first played Arkham Horror: The Card Game, I figured it would knock this down a peg or two. But the designers’ ingenuity in the LOTR quests and encounter deck designs has been (for me, at least) a much more rewarding experience.

And I appreciate a cooperative game where you actually lose more often than you win. It seems a rarity in the co-ops we have.

5. Great Western Trail (2016)

I’d heard and read so much about this game prior to purchasing it that I almost didn’t even want to get it (which is exactly how I feel about Concordia and Trajan, subsequently). I dig the cowboy theme, but beyond that, I’d pretty much phased out all the actual details on this game’s gameplay.

But yeah, it really is good. Ya’ll were right. I love games that are heavy but are built around simple gameplay, and Great Western Trail epitomizes that. One your turn you move your cowboy on the (effectively) huge rondel board and then take an action on the space where you stop. That’s it. 

The beauty of the game comes from the remarkable breadth of options you can pursue. Using cowboys to buy cows, hiring engineers to move your train and build stations, hiring carpenters to build buildings and busy up the board, and completing objectives are some of the main tasks you’ll be focusing on, and what really clicks for me with Great Western Trail is that it’s a tactical player’s dream. The board is constantly changing, and as it changes, so must your plans. The objective cards steer you somewhat, but you’ve really gotta cut your own path across the wilderness here.

Oh, and I love deckbuilding as a sort of side dish mechanic. It isn’t always enough to sustain a whole game, but it’s great as a single piece of a pie.

6. Gloomhaven (2017)

All right, so this big beast has moved all over my ranking in the year+ since my first game. I won’t lie, it sat at #1 for a while. Then it slid a little, then a little more. I mean, it’s still at #6, so it’s not exactly plummeting. It’s the Board Game Geek #1 game of all time (as of this writing), and it’s hard to say if it’s deserving of this (and if not, what deserves the spot instead). Again, this is so subjective, and games like this or Scythe tend to be lightning rods for people who want to take a shot at the new hotness.

But yes, it’s good. It’s very good. I’m not as enamored by the sprawling nature of it as I was, nor the campaign, but being a person who loves variety, it’s scope is certainly a nice bonus. But after you haven’t played it in a while, it becomes a HUGE box that takes up a whole shelf and is a bear to set back up. And even though the box is 20lbs and takes up a whole shelf and the game takes 20+ minutes just to set up, the card play in Gloomhaven is just stellar. I love that this is essentially a tactical minis game with a euro engine. Tactical minis games rank incredibly low on my chart o’ interest, but this game takes that standard tactical minis expectation and smashes the shit out of it. 

Despite its niggling flaws, it’s an excellent game.

7. The Exit Series (2017-?)

This is the last co-op game on my list, and I just looked back and saw that there are four on here. I was just talking to Kathleen about how much I’d rather play competitive games instead of co-ops, and apparently I said that in a moment completely lacking self-awareness. Also, this is a cheaty kind of entry considering we’ve played at least eight Exit games.

Remember when I said that I liked Eldritch Horror because it was an event game that provided a big, rich experience? Well, the Exit games give you a meaty, brainier experience in a slightly shorter time period. There’s not much story–despite the designers really trying to cram one in there–but I’ll always love Exit because it’s become our Date Night game. Kathleen and I will get some nice booze, take out food, and sit down with a new Exit after we put our son to bed. The experience can be frustrating–remember we think very differently, but each experience has always been something to remember (except the Secret Lab; what happened in that one?). Special props to Exit: Dead Man on the Orient Express, in particular.

The puzzles are really satisfying when you crack them, especially after working on them for a while. We take longer than average to do these because we resist those hint cards as much as possible, so our games can stretch. But Exit should be an event, and when savored like one, it doesn’t let you down.

Also, if you have concerns about the value of an Exit game, if you look at it as an event (like going to the movies or *cough cough* playing T.I.M.E. Stories), it’s actually a very good value. Recycle it!

And finally, yes, Exit trumps Unlock any day of the week.

8. Glory to Rome (2005)

That Glory to Rome is out of print is a cryin’ shame. Our copy isn’t even a real copy, I printed a crappy DIY version at Staples and then cut and sleeved them with old Magic commons. Our copy looks bad, is cut unevenly, and has eery MTG watermarks shining through the thin weight paper, and I couldn’t care less. This game is awesome. It’s got about a million different combos that are all seemingly game-breaking, but the fact that everything is so powerful is really what makes this game so exciting.

Multi-use cards are one of my favorite mechanic, and this game is completely built around them. And like any well-designed game that is build all around cards, the design of this never leaves you feeling hamstrung by bad card draw. If you’re doing badly at Glory to Rome, it’s your fault. Sorry. You haven’t found the combo that will win the game for you. I can say this because I’m terrible at Glory to Rome, and I know it. That’s not saying I’ve not won before. I have, but more likely than not it was because I accidentally stumbled onto something good. 

Like Brass: Birmingham, no two games of Glory to Rome are the same. There are so many cards in the box, and the subtle sense of humor that permeates some of the cards just tickles me (please see: latrine).

It’s fast and exciting, and giving you options on other players’ turns is also one of my favorite mechanics.  I’ll happily play and lose Glory to Rome anytime.

9. Nippon (2015)

Full disclosure, this is the newest edition to this list, and Kathleen and I have only played this a few times, but there’s something about this game that really fascinates me. 

At first blush, it feels like Brass, but it’s not. Like Brass, this is an economic engine, but it doesn’t allow the multi-turn build up to The Big Turn like Brass. Then I thought it was a little like Great Western Trail, but it’s not really like that either. Great Western Trail presents a ton of options, but by the end of the game, you really need to work on all of them, at least a little bit, or else your score will suffer. Nippon, however, doesn’t make you do a little bit of everything. There are a number of elements in Nippon (like trains), that can be all but ignored except for certain circumstances. It’s a game built around area control via slow burn engine building. A number of other elements to the game are very specific tools you can use to hone that engine, but could just as easily prove useless under the wrong conditions.

This may be misdirected musings by someone who hasn’t played the game enough, but it feels right to me. The last time we played, I came to the realization that the game felt so fraught because I was trying to do too much. The game presents you with a large amount of avenues to pursue because you don’t actually have to pursue them all; you can’t, there’s not enough time in the game (or money!). You need to choose your actions and build the best engine as quickly as possible.

Nippon is a cutthroat fight that feels both wickedly fast and frustratingly slow at the same time. Special bonuses for completely subverting the worker placement mechanic with its own implementation that runs the whole game. It’s a puzzle that I have relished greatly.

10. Star Wars: The Card Game (2012)

Two Fantasy Flight LCGs on the list? Sweet Christmas!

But yes, this is a great game. I’m not sure it ever got much love, and it saddens me that it’s now dead, but it’s such an interesting design. That it does a fine job of simplifying deck construction is just a bonus.

I appreciate that Star Wars feels like a game of high stakes gambling. The first few turns are slow and quiet as you work through your deck and build your forces, but once conflict erupts, everything tends to break wide open. Each decision you make has massive repercussions, as single large mistakes will lose you the game. Add in some actual bluffing and a ticking clock, and this is the simplified and streamlined (if safer and less wild) version of Doomtown: Reloaded, another card game that I absolutely love. 

But where I think Doomtown ultimately fails, Star Wars succeeds. The game doesn’t get bogged down in complexity, and instead feels relatively streamlined considering its medium weight. Every time I play this game, I’m impressed by how smart Eric Lang’s design is. I feel like he played a ton of Magic: The Gathering, and then he removed all the things that bothered him (and bothered me, too).

I think this game is overlooked and underplayed, and dare I say forgotten, but for my money, it’s absolutely worth revisiting. And played over and over again.

Please remember, this list will change. Check back occasionally to see how. If you have any questions or opinions of your own, let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading!

Eric (Player One)

[marlutterianae]

The latest episode of Goblin Slayer made me realized something about myself (positive).

Apologizes in advance to anyone following me not interested in Goblin Slayer but I had to say some personal things about the latest episode that not only impressed me but made me reflect about myself. I found an incredibly relatable moment in this pulpy, trashy fantasy anime. 

(Disclaimer: A lot of this comes from speculation and personal headcanons about the main character. I’m talking more about the impact it had in me and the ideas that sprouted from that. Also, I don’t have stills or pictures of the episode so please bare with my descriptions). 

So quick summary of the latest episode. It’s the first time in the Anime that we see Goblin Slayer and his party get almost completely destroyed by a Goblin Hoard. Everything that could have go wrong, went wrong. You know how this game is supposed to be based and work as a love letter to D&D? Well it’s literally bad rolls for everyone. They can’t keep up with the Goblins, it’s absolute chaos and we see the Goblins Slayer take a massive fatal hit from a giant Goblin Champion. He falls, and he is temporarily knocked down, and here is where things get very interesting. 

We get a shot from his perspective. From inside of his helmet. You know his helmet has those bars for visibility? They used them to transition into a shot from the past. Back from when Goblin Slayer was a child, hiding under the floor of his old house, and where his family god murdered by goblins. He was lying there, covering his head and ears. Helpless. And the screams of his party members brought back those terrible memories. And we hear the mocking dialogue of another character, who is Goblin Slayer’s mentor. Mocking his impotence and incompetence. Of just lying there, watching everyone get killed. Not doing anything. And after that, something spans inside of him. Visually, we get the shot of dice being thrown (again with the rpg motive) and as if he got a natural 20, he got up, drank some potion and started to rampage against the goblins with what little strength he had, with a broken body. He climbed over the champion and strangled him, punching his eye and and scarring the rest of the horde as the champion ran away wounded. All good now. 

But I want to go back to that brief flashback... And here is where I start to speak some personal interpretations and why this scene impacted me. I like to believed (even if it’s not confirmed) that Goblin Slayer... Is not a normal person. Meaning that, he may be in the autism spectrum. I’m not reaching that much since his odd behavior feeds this idea, and I’m not alone in this (I hope). And I took that idea into his past. And I started to imagine... So hear me out. 

Imagine a young Goblin Slayer growing up in a farm. He is not normal. He has problems when dealing with people, or when doing any type of hard work. He isn’t good at anything in the farm, but he has a loving family that takes good care of him despite not being able to contribute due to his condition. He gets pretty bad when dealing with violence, and can’t even hold arms. And now, his village is attacked. Goblins start to murder everyone and getting inside of the houses. And we know he was hiding from the massacre. But why only him? Why was he the only one hiding while his family was out there? And here’s my personal take... 

His family tell him to hide, because they love him but they know he won’t be able to fight back, knowing him well. They have more of a chance to defend themselves with the tools they have against the goblins. And so he hides under the house. And the horror happens. He witnesses the murdering of his family, scared, alone, anxious and not knowing what to do. Absolutely stressed. Completely traumatic. 

After this, we only get hints of what his life was before turning into a professional goblin hunter. In the manga (and surely in the light novels) we know he was trained by a mysterious character in the ways of dealing with the little monsters. So I started to imagine again... He wasn’t good. He was in fact terrible at it. He was weak, clumsy and slow, most likely. And his trainer mocked him for it. Reminding him of that moment where he couldn’t do anything. And that memory grew stronger and stronger. And he kept enduring the training. Getting better with excruciating practice. Fail after fail. Rising up after rising up. Trying and trying. Until becoming the killing machine he is now. 

And so, why do I bring all of this out? Because, as someone in the autism spectrum, I relate to one feeling. I’ve used so many times my condition to scape from any type of stressful situation. Wrongly, I know. I’ve been working on this through therapy and being more self sufficient. But you don’t know how many times I’ve literally panicked over anything outside of my control. At first it was on actual difficult issues, but the more I did it, the more it became a toxic habit. And soon, I was just a burden for everyone. Where the moment a problem appeared, I didn’t wanted to provided any form of help because I was so convinced that I wasn’t capable of it. Not even trying. And I imagined myself in Goblin Slayer situation. I absolutely did. Avoiding any type of work in the farm because it was so stressful and I was so convinced in not taking any type of initiative. But when real problems appeared, and my family was so convinced by my behavior that I couldn’t be able to help, I would hide and just watch the horrors unfold. All because of my excuses. And that’s why this episode affected me positively. Because it reminded me of what endurance and hard work can lead you to. Of course, an exaggerated fantasy scenario, but this man became an expert Goblin Hunter not just for his hatred of the little fiends. But because he won’t let that traumatic scenario to play out again. He won’t be useless anymore. 

And that’s that. No offense to anyone that are in the spectrum. I just stated my very specific and wrong situations and why it mattered to me.