#just need to get out of ny stress ^-^

[telesodalite]

Thinking about KrokFire...

Thinking about them sparring in the cargohold, because it's a long trip, and cabin fever is setting in, and Misfire is gonna pop a gasket if he doesn't do something about it soon, since flying in open space gets real boring real fast, and it's making everyone a little nervous, but Krok has time to kill, and maybe, quietly, he's also two steps away from doing something stupid just to feel alive again after cruising around pointlessly, mindlessly, endlessly, for so so long... (It's barely been a month)

And sure, Misfire is a terrible sparring partner. He has no technique, no concept of proper balance, or an inkling of how to use the weight of his own frame. He rushes headfirst like he's more bull than fighter jet, he talks too much, he spits, he bites, and he can't stand losing. But, in a roundabout way, it almost makes him the perfect partner in Krok's eyes.

Crankcase won't spar, "can't" he claims flatly, gesturing at the gaping hole in his helm, but Krok can respect his want for distance. That occasional flash of fear and frozen unease in Crankcase's visor in close combat doesn't go over his head. He knows that look. He gets it. He won't push.

Fulcrum... well, a streetlight might be a tougher fight, or at least it would stay up longer and complain less. So much for a once respectable officer of the empire. What was Deathsaurus' command thinking promoting anyone without any actual combat training? It would almost be pathetic if Fulcrum didn't find a way to put the vitriol of thrown fists into his words instead. Now there was some swears Krok hadn't heard in a couple millennia, it would be inspiring if it wasn't his own spark Fulcrum had been damning to the pits and back through a bloody nose.

Spinister? Now Spinister was a good fighter, a better fighter, Krok wasn't so prideful to deny that truth. He'd tasted the dust of the cargohold floor enough to know it was a definitive fact. But Spinister held back, he was careful, he matched Krok's pace, his movements, he held himself defensively, any attack was quick, simple, and merely restraining. It was less a fight, and more a waiting game until Krok finally gave up, and that... well, that did sting a bit.

But Misfire? Misfire was a different beast all together. Sure Krok could dance circles around the flier all day, but it wasn't totally effortless work, he had to stay sharp, Misfire was so predictably unpredictable, he kept him thinking, moving, on his toes, and maybe it felt good to sidestep another stupid headfirst charge, easily grabbing and swinging Misfire around by his arm, so unbalanced all Krok had to do was let him go, and the weight of his own frame would send him careening into the crates stacked around them.

Most days, Misfire would give up by then, pull himself off the pile of overturned cargo with no small amount of burning shame and frustration, as he avoided Krok's optics and stormed off into the bowels of the ship before Krok could say something to ease the sting of losing again and again. Misfire didn't want his apologies though, and even as a pang of guilt ate at him over it, Krok knew he'd be back eventually.

But today, too pent-up and bored to quit now, Misfire pushed himself back onto his feet and charged back in again, and again, and again.

And Krok moved with him again, and again, and again. It was almost repetitive, but lively enough that he could feel the energon pumping through his head, a thrumming beat in his audials that reminds him of deafening battlefields and roaring stadiums, and oh, he'd missed this feeling, the adrenaline, the movement, more so than he thought he did.

Maybe it's the overconfidence that gets him then, or the memories pulling him out of the present, but Misfire's fist suddenly comes slamming down into his mask, and for a moment everything becomes a blur, until he finds himself on the floor, clutching at the shattered metal falling from his face in disbelief.

Faintly he can feel the twinge of broken mesh, of pain pinching dully across scarred flickering sensors, and maybe it's the adrenaline that pulls a suprised and breathy laugh out of him as he stares down at the pieces in his hand.

Maybe it's also the disbelief, the sudden shock at being struck hard enough to break his mask, by Misfire of all mechs. Or maybe he's cracked his helm, finally snapping something important deep in his processor, some vital function that kept him sane all these years.

Either way, an old familiar buzz of heady energy fills his chest, loosening his joints and straightening his struts as he stands back up, brushing off the broken remains of his mask as he stares back at Misfire, barefaced and bleeding and amused as the flier's optics go bright and wide.

And all Misfire can do for a moment is stand there, wide-eyed and breathless, his own adrenaline filled frame and hammering processor still trying to make sense of the broken plating of his knuckles and the energon trickling down Krok's scarred lips.

But connections are made, and it's a panicked realization at first, a cold dread, a 'ohhhhh fuck oh primus I fucked up I'm dead I'm so fucking dead-!' sort of feeling, as Krok's marred face breaks into an energon stained grin. But then there's another feeling, growing somewhere underneath the panic, a sudden curl of heat in his chest, a flush of pride, conviction, a sort of frenzied joy at the sight of broken mesh and fresh energon, and another rush of hot anticipation as Krok began to move again, circling, waiting, an unspoken question in the air as he rolls his shoulders back and flexes his hands.

And Misfire answers eagerly, suprising himself almost as he charges foward again, wanting more of that feeling, wanting to win again.

It's not really sparring past this point, and somewhere in the back of their minds they both know that. Every strike, every kick, every punch, it's all thoughtless instinct, each clash of plating, and bite of denta, and scrape of fingertips, is part of a mad dash for victory in the gladiator pit of scrap and debris they've built around themselves.

Of course, it can't last forever. They're no real gladiators, no phase-sixers, no primes, and movements get sluggish, vents rattle and wheeze as coolant pumps reach their limits, and building condensation slides powerless punches right off of scuffed metal and mesh.

Even like this though, worn out and bleeding from more scrapes than he had half a mind to count, Krok is still better, and Misfire is still predictable, and it's no great feat to sweep his legs out from beneath him, landing him flat on the floor, wings spread out and chestplate heaving.

Overworked joints sharply protest as he goes to pin the flier down bodily, and finally Krok faces the fact he has to consider how to end this, so he might let his own beaten frame finally still for a moment to breathe.

But as Krok catches one flailing arm in his grip, scoffing at the desperation, still goading Misfire on even as he tries to end this, a hand stubbornly catches his throat, but stops before it can truly squeeze.

And once more they're not really moving, just staring, watching, but it's less wired and tense now, rather, its shaky, a little unfocused, as exhaustion filters out in heaving puffs of hot air between their frames.

Someone's plating is rattling, Krok isn't sure if it's his own or Misfire's, but the cost of adrenaline is painfully noticeable now. His grip loosens on Misfire's arms, and the idea of total victory is less sweet as his cables begin to ache throughout his inner-framework.

But Misfire's hand slides up to catch his jaw before he can lean back and relent to a truce, and he's pulling him closer, and Krok starts to push him off, call it quits before either of them breaks something past repair, but a flash of energon on Misfire lips catches his eye, and that hadn't been there a moment ago?

Before he can even begin to ask what that was supposed to mean, Misfire is pulling him down again, angling his helm upwards to feverishly meet his lips half-way.

Although the mesh of Misfire's face was throughly bruised and scuffed, Krok had frustratingly failed to return the favor of a busted lip. So, it had to be his own, smeared across Misfire's face at some point in the scuffle, it shouldn't have been interesting in the slightest, but Krok's processor was hazy, slow, and his optics trailed Misfire's glossa as he licked his lips and made an odd curious sound.

And maybe it was a stupid move to make so impulsively, one he'd regret making probably, but still too caught up in the waning heated high of the fight, Misfire figured he could worry about losing such a hard-earned battle later. Right now, this seemed far better than actually winning, and the taste of Krok's energon felt like a victory and reward nonetheless.

Bracing himself as Misfire wriggled his other hand free to splay out over his thigh, holding him desperately against his frame as he tried pulling him even closer, Krok considered the heat dispersion warnings flickering distractingly in his peripheral, and the very noticeable strain on his back and legs, even his arms.

It's not a great position to be in right now, after all they've done already. He'll regret it, he knows he will, his body will make sure of it, if Spinister doesn't first.

But then Misfire's glossa is sliding against the jagged edges of his teeth, and he's making hoarse little pathetic noises into Krok's mouth that stoke some sort of ego at having the flier so desperate beneath him, and Misfire's hands are warm and heavy over aching plating and seams, and really, on second thought, after weeks of boredom, why the hell not?

They've got nowhere to be.

[sydmarch]

it was so stupidly difficult to find any nutritionist who has experience with arfid & takes insurance so after having to go through all these referrals my therapist sent me & jumping through hoops I lowkey hate the lady lmao feels like such a waste of time & energy

[konpeitonom]

Pookie I'm BEGGING YOU for a curly x fem reader smut but like he has a rough day and reader asks her to take it out on her so he's like rougher with her than usual 🤭🤭 then there's some nice fluffy aftercare afterwards. As usual take ur time and take breaks!

-🌺 anon

a long day of work, captain grant curly.

nsfw — lowercase intended ^_^

fem reader — content warnings for light choking, degrading.. he’s a bit mean. some creative liberty was taken..

requests are open and heavily encouraged, i write for every mw character ^.^

notes; i don’t like to write full length one shots n such and don’t plan too.. just not my style. so i’ll write this in sort of a headcanon-ny / drabble formatting. just a quick heads up for anyone who requests me! i also.. forgot the fluffy aftercare part.. perhaps another time, or a little pt2 if i feel so inclined..

but this might have been my favorite to write for today. this is my 6th piece for the day (posting in the morning..) thank you for ur request anon..

nsfw under the cut! minors do not read

— curly after a long, tiring day of work, all he wanted was to see your pretty face. it always made him feel better. everytime he opens that door, he’ll hear, “welcome home!!”, “you were working for so long, can’t you cut back your hours?”, “i missed you so much. quit that stupid job, please?” .. you get the point.

— he seems extra tired today. even after dinner, a nice bath, some tv, he still looks so stressed! you have to do something. isn’t there anything you can do?

— eventually he ends up venting about work, how stressed he is. he doesn’t like to but he knows you don’t mind. one thing led to another and he was on top of you.

- ♡

“curly.. you know, you don’t have to hold back as much as you do..” you say, your hands on his arms. your fingertips trace his muscles just slightly, as a way to ease him into the idea.

he groans at that thought. god, he really needs to let it all go. but he can’t do that. he really can’t, “what are you talking about?” he said, playing dumb. but you were able to see through him, of course you were.

“curly..”

“no, i can’t.”

“please.. you can take it all out on me. please? i want it. i really do. don’t you want it too?” you respond so desperately.

- ♡

— you knew your husband well. he’d only do it to make you happy. and if that was it? then he can’t say no.

— he’s a bit soft at first. he’s still holding back. just be patient with him, it’ll take awhile for him to get a bit rough the way he does.

— one of his hands holds tightly onto the bed frame, the other on your shoulder keeping you down. his pace is regular but his thrusts are much rougher, you can feel his dick bruising your insides.

— please be vocal.. it tells him you’re enjoying it too. even all pent up and stressed, he’s prioritizing you’re pleasure. even like this, he’ll make sure you cum first.

- ♡

your mouth is wide open, the prettiest noises coming out of it. he looks down at you, his eyes a bit squinted as he places a hand on your neck. you nod gently as to reassure him it was okay, and that’s when he pressed down.

he lets out a low groan, “fuck, do you like that? seriously?” he teased, his tone mean. you didn’t expect that from him, but it was more than welcome.

“god, should’ve told me sooner.” he said, as he pushed down just a bit- pushing the boundaries of what was you’re regular, “look at you. you’re such a mess. i wish you could see your face right now, it’s fucking pathetic.”

- ♡

— you can tell he feels bad, but small reassurances fuel him. so just nod and smile and he’ll continue.

— at this point his pace quickens and he’s rough with it. his hand that isn’t wrapped around your neck like a vice, is on your hips- digging deep into your skin.

— he’d then turn you over to your tummy, making you go on all fours as he pulls your hair back. kind of like a leash. his dick balls deep into your pussy still.

— god, he was so rough. it hurt, you can’t lie. but it felt so good, so good to know that the sensitive man you married has a side to him that only you have the pleasure of feeling.

— “fuck. seems like you enjoy being used like this. yeah? like a fucking toy? why didn’t you say so before then?” he’d whisper into your ear.

— he cums at the sight of your eyes rolled back to make eye contact with him, your tongue a bit out as you moan uncontrollably. maybe it was also the teardrops that stained your face. you looked pitiful, really.

— “are you okay?” he’d whisper in your ear. he felt bad for cumming first. but he couldn’t help it. he could only hope you wouldn’t be too upset.

— that’s when he’d turn you over to your back to see your face much more clearly. if you tell him now that you need a break, he’s happy to do so- then please you. no harsh words, just love.

— but if you nod, tell him it’s okay- and that you want to continue. you’re in for a long night, because at that slight nod he’s already shoved his dick back in you. he’s desperate, and you’re willing to give it to him.

[kathelovecatsandfeminism]

Sex on fire

Warnings: Eddie Munson x reader; SMUT; p in v; unprotected sex; pet names; oral sex (f!receving); no use of y/n English is not my first language and the work is not fully proofread so ignore mistakes and be nice In the country where I live it's summer and it's really hot and I'm in a really bad mood too

It was a hot as hell summer in NY, the kind where clothes stuck to your skin and your skin was shiny, it was unbearable and even more unbearable was living with your terrible mood in the heat. Eddie wasn't the type to brag about putting up with you now, he definitely will.

He wasn't exactly happy working to survive and studying just to go back to that hot little apartment of yours wasn't very good, but you overdid it.

He already knew and even understood your low tolerance for stupid questions, but when you were in that state absolutely everything sounded like stupidity in his ears, so he would spend the whole day listening to your sarcasm and mocking comments for anything he did. But still, he was a good friend so he charitably started thinking of ways to lessen your latent stress.

“Let’s go to the public pool, it’ll be cool” Eddie offers on a random day “And swim in the dirt, sweat and inevitably pee of strangers? Are you crazy Munson” “So if it was in the dirt, sweat and pee of acquaintances, it would be okay?”

The result of the conversation was a dirty look and a slap on the back of his head

After watching Eddie buy so many bags of ice you asked him “It’s for the heat, I don’t know, to rub it on your body or something” “Don’t be ridiculous, it’ll all be a mess” with an irritated huff he gave the ice back

The heat must have been cooking his brain because he was running out of ideas, you didn’t exactly have the money to buy a better air conditioner and you were acting like a brat telling him to, but no he didn’t give up

One day Eddie arrives with bags full of popsicles and shoves them all in the freezer “Do you intend to eat all of that” you point out with disdain. Munson needs to take a deep breath to answer you “I don’t plan on it, it’s for both of us, cheap, tasty and fun to survive the heat” “I don’t know Eddie… all this industrialized sugar we’re going to get diabetic and unhappy eating it and it doesn’t even look good” Eddie ended up stuffing a whole popsicle in his mouth so he wouldn’t yell at you

He really had no more ideas, you know, the heat made him slightly inattentive and uncomfortable, just as he imagines it would be the same for you, but that specific day he thought that you must have gotten up with the wrong foot of the bed, because you were 100x more annoying and it was the day for both of you, you know? The Saturday of trashy movies eating junk, that day was sacred for both of you, you rested even if just a little from the problems of work and the routine of studying at university, a moment for laughter and fun, but you were managing to ruin the fucking night by complaining about absolutely everything in the movie because apparently the actors didn't seem committed to what they were doing, just like the colors on the TV were wrong, Eddie seemed to be chewing too loudly and the tip was too salty and oh yes! the chocolate was too sweet. He would gladly let you smoke all of his weed if it made you a little less annoying, but the universe would not be merciful to him and gave you asthma. And now Eddie was in a bad mood, a really bad mood. It was taking a lot out of him not to yell at you right now. So he sat up in his seat on the soybean, took a deep breath and adopted a low and severe tone.

“If you roll those eyes of yours at me one more time, I guarantee we’ll have problems.” It took him a while to formulate the sentence, especially because he himself didn’t know exactly where he was going with it. By God, he just wanted you to go back to acting like a normal human being, but wasn’t that asking too much?

“Sorry, what do you mean by that, Munson?” Perched on the couch, you turned to him and finished the sentence by pointing your index finger in his face. Then, as if by magic, he remembered that there was another way to calm you down that he had been thinking about a lot. So, against all reason, Eddie took the finger you were pointing at him to his lips, circling it with his tongue. And he couldn’t believe it.

That really made you shut up.

Your face had been filled with confusion and a hint of curiosity, since you didn't pull away or protest against him Eddie took this as a green light his calloused fingers from playing guitar wrapped around your wrist, gently at first, taking your index finger from his mouth and bringing your wrist up to place small kisses all over it until a shaky sigh left your lips and he felt your heartbeat increase under his touch he smiled devilishly at this with his courage regained he pushed you into the worn green soybean, keeping one hand on the side of your head for support while the other remained on your wrist and he hovered over you he lowered his head, getting close enough to your ear to whisper "we can stop now… or I can find a way to make you soft again" he turned to your eyes, breaths connected "you're the boss, love" too eager to respond you pulled Eddie by his messy curls for a heated and hurried kiss, trying to tame his rhythm he pushed his tongue against your mouth, asking to enter, and as soon as you opened the way, he was claiming all the space for himself. He let the weight of his body fall on yours, finding space between your legs. His hands went down to your sides, exploring your bare thighs, exploring under your white t-shirt, squeezing. That's when he pressed his weight against your clothed center and a needy whimper escaped your lips between the kiss and he smiled victoriously like the fucking Cheshire "that's all you needed, wasn't it, love?" He teased, applying more pressure to that spot and eliciting another moan from you "you just needed someone to fuck you silly, didn't you?" Oh, at this point, and in the state you were in, pretending that you weren't turned on as hell was foolish and you wanted him so bad that your answer was a whimper of his name "it's okay, I got you"

Even though Eddie seemed to be very calm and in control he was quite affected, like this was really happening, damn you guys were really going to have sex and that made his mind race really fast, because yes, of course there were like three or four times that things got tense between you but neither of you did anything about it and well he had a considerable crush on you for a while, Steve had been bugging him about the sexual tension that was between the two of you but it's not like you guys talked about it like "hey what do you think about us fucking hard just to test something out?" So yes he was a little nervous, information that was completely erased from his brain as soon as you started grinding against his groin because he had stopped moving, that definitely brought him back to reality. He stood up - not before giving you one last kiss - and got on his knees between your legs. “You know, I like these shorts, but I would like them even more off you.” With dilated pupils, sweaty skin and hurried breathing, you just nodded in affirmation.

Everything was painfully slow, but totally deliberate the way he unbuttoned and dragged the shorts down your thighs, taking off your panties last. When he stood up and stood in front of the couch, you made a squeak of discontent, but it died in your throat as soon as you saw the tall dark-haired man kneeling on the floor and pulling your legs to the edge of the large couch. He pulled your ass right to the edge of the couch and put your legs over his shoulders. You were a little crooked, but nothing you couldn’t ignore.

Eddie opens his big lips and starts with experimental licks - God forbid he doesn’t make you feel good - but he starts to flatten the wet muscle with more force until small moans start to come out like music from your lips. Then he lifts the hood of her clitoris and begins to suck on the spot with perfect pressure while two long, thick fingers circle her wet entrance, your legs gripping tightly to his head, taking this as an incentive he slowly inserts both fingers and begins to curve them upwards, entering and exiting in a programmed rhythm and he doesn't want to brag but the way your pussy is squeezing his fingers as well as her legs around his head and a loud sound comes out of your mouth it's hard not to be convinced.

His fingers are longer and thicker than yours, filling you in a good way, being curved, scissoring inside you - you watched the way he played the guitar, it was impossible not to be good with his hands - continually hitting the right spot in the right way and his mouth… god you wanted to scream, you wanted to grab him by the hair and fuck yourself in his face and you probably did, cumming loud and hard while reciting his name. Eddie accompanied you all the way down to the point of having to push him away when the sensitivity became too strong.

What you got when you propped yourself up on your elbows was Eddie lying on the floor with glazed eyes and - now you blushed like a tomato - your own excitement shone all over the boy's face from the nose down. Eddie had a silly smile on his lips “that's was hot as hell, babe”

God you wanted to die of embarrassment, but the pain you felt for him was much greater You gave him my best fuck me eyes but Eddie seemed absorbed in a spell making you use your voice

“please Edds I need you so much” to emphasize you were opening your legs more and more as you spoke and caressed your own body, THAT seemed to bring him back to himself And less than a minute he was already on top of you half naked and frustrated, frustrated because he still hadn't seen your breasts - believe me he thought about them a lot - then with a slight frown of concentration - he started to take off your blouse that you generously lifted to help, you weren't wearing a bra.

As he threw his shirt somewhere in the living room, you took the opportunity to take a good look at Eddie - not that you had never done that before, several times you had found him wandering around the apartment in his underwear, thinking you were not home, but now it was different - his chest was wide and expanded with his tense breathing, the happy trail of black hair was what caught your attention the most, especially the point where it disappeared above the waistband of his underwear. You could tell two things from that more intentional look: Eddie was hard as hell; and he was not exactly a small guy.

You really wanted to feel him inside you, as soon as possible

He seemed to have other plans, because after paying due attention to the girl below him, he attacked her breasts with a ferocity that elicited from her what began as a little scream and died as a moan when he pulled one of her nipples between his teeth

It was a good pain that gave way to his wet kisses He was definitely good with his mouth It didn't take long for him to move on to the other breast, giving it the same level of treatment, but you were still all hot and irritated, he must have noticed that somehow A weak laugh came out "Ok, ok, I'll give you what you want, doll" He ran his hand through his hair and looked around as if looking for something "Hm, do you have a condom here?" in response you just whimper and pull him by the shoulders crashing your lips against his, he excitedly reciprocated, a mess of tongues and teeth He pulls away just a little to breathe and he almost asks again until “i’m clean you know” you say like it’s nothing while playing with his curly hair that falls over his face Eddie seems affected in a good way, he answers jokingly “kitten i don’t think you want a baby mun-” the rest of the sentence dies in vain as you start to write your wet pussy against his erection “please” you whisper in his ear this destroys all of eddie’s defenses, not only was he having sex with you but he was going to do it raw, he was tired of pretending that this didn’t turn him on so fucking much “jesus” he says exasperatedly between a sort of laugh and sigh “you really are something aren’t you?” He gets rid of his boxers as quickly as he can. You have to admit, Eddie is beautiful in every way, his already weeping cock would be no different. When he lines himself up at your entrance you both stare down as he slowly enters you inch by inch, there is a nice burn. You both sigh as he reaches the bottom. Eddie's eyes are squeezed shut as if the sensation is almost overwhelming "god you feel so good" he says more to himself then you call out to him and his eyes open, you bring your hand to his cheek, affectionately, looking into his eyes, it's strange but good so good, somehow more intimate than being inside you to the hilt, he feels like he has to kiss you and he does it's slow and deliberate, it's deep, he bites and licks, it's his lips that set the pace and when you realize he pulls out halfway only to slam his way back in hard and deep, languid You moan into his lips Eddie goes deep, to the hilt and comes back only to slam again and again, for him it's still not enough, even if you're just a whimper. At one point he grabs your legs that were around his waist and bends you in half, now your calves over his shoulders and when he hits you it's much deeper, much more intense, eliciting a scream from you - he seems to like it - you swear you feel every curve and every vein of his cock filling you and hitting that spongy spot in you, stealing your lungs, his pubic hair stimulating your clitoris when your hips are together, you're already very out of it, but you feel a heat, a tingling forming in your lower abdomen.

Eddie is also a mess now with his face hidden in your neck, biting, kissing and moaning, you're close, he can feel the way you're strangling his cock, he won't be able to take much more, so one of his hands slips between your bodies and starts making firm circles on your clitoris. You can feel the pressure building and building until your back bends, your toes curl and you cum hard, calling Eddie's name like a prayer.

Eddie is not far away, his thrusts erratic and his breathing very shallow, he quickly pulls out of you and masturbates a few times very enthusiastically until he releases thick white ropes of semen on your belly and falls on top of you tired, sweaty, smelling of sex like the whole room. You don't even care about the mess between your bodies, too far away now to care about anything.

The two of you spend a few minutes like that waiting for your breathing to stabilize until Eddie gets up, but remains between your legs, half enchanted by his mark smeared on your abdomen. Smiling you notice his gaze "liking the view?" "I don't know, are you going to be nice to me now, doll?" he responds biting his lip. The two of you burst out laughing.

[davinashifts333]

PICTURE NOT SO PERFECT Part Dos.

(Rafe Cameron SMAU)

June 4th, 2022. 7:30pm, Y/N’s Cottage.

My pregame playlist blasted as JJ and the boys packed up the liquor into my Bronco, the only vehicle able to hold the lot of us aside from the Twinkie, she is on hiatus at the moment but, will be revived, per JB. My heart thumped in my ears as I remembered he would be there, waiting on my text.

“Yo! Almost ready little one?” Pope poked his head into my room where I sat on the floor doing my makeup and Cleo laid on ny bed already having downed her 2 buzz balls.

“Yeah, gimme 10, almost done and I just have this bit of my drink left.” I showed him the sphere and he nodded. Cleo sitting up catching me off guard as she watched me through the mirror.

“You sure you’re okay, love? I know you’re nervous about Satan and all.” Her voice calm but tactile, she knew how I feared opening up about anything to do with him. I nodded chugging the last bit of my espresso martini flavored buzz-ball and stood up, dress barely there but long enough that the boys wouldn’t get all ‘big brotherly’ on me.

“Alright, i’ll trust you THIS time, even though I can practically see your pulse racing. Just, find us if you need us okay?” I didn’t have it in me to say it out loud, to even believe it much myself but I had to hear him out. He always did the same with me. I had to repay the favor. She knew though, I could feel it in the tight embrace she enveloped me in before Kie and Sarah burst in rushing us to the car. She knew I had already decided on hearing him out, Cleo always knew. We all piled in the Bronco and JB drove us down.

Popular to contrary belief, Rafe wasn’t always a psycho killer/drug addict. He was also my best friend from diapers, until Sarah and Wheezie were born at least, then it was us 3 watching over baby Wheeze against the world. Our dads were friends, best friends even, running the developmental and real estate worlds of the easy coast, it’s how when I turn 18, I will inherit his multi-million dollar business and how at 16, I was emancipated and given the cottage he used as his ‘office’ to live in. We were always together, family vacations, road trips, business trips, etc. Rafe and I were being raised to continue their legacies. Now with both of our dads gone, our lives a mess but also seemingly calm? It wasn’t that complicated anymore. He had to live up to the ideals he had thrusted upon him from the moment he could say ‘Cameron Development’. I on the other hand, wasn’t as pressured, my mom knew I loved the Pogue life and even now, estranged we still cared for each other, she was working the business until I finished college (still a few years away but I was getting college credits already).

Back to Rafe however, he had to take control on his own, from the age of 19.. now 20, almost 21.. I could never know his stress. The Bronco reached a halt a good 25 minutes after leaving the house and the liquor had set a very light buzz on me. I was snapped from my thoughts by Kie squealing as JJ’s beer spilled onto her and Sarah.

“Jayj! This skirt was new!” JJ smiled sheepishly and gave her his sweatshirt, she loved the boy too much to not just ignore it and with that we headed to the beach, Sarah and I grabbing the bottles while Kie and Cleo grabbed the beach towels and chairs. Leaving the boys to carry the beers. The bass rumbled the closer we got and decided to settle at a bonfire a bit away from the hectic scene of it all. Just to give us our space. I look around hoping to not be scared shitless by Satan himself when his right hand man caught my eye, or I caught his? The dude was already staring at me. Topper Thornton. He smiled and headed straight for me. I quickly take a swig of tequila and prepare myself.

“Y/N! Long time no see gorgeous! How you been?” Yes he seems nice but, Topper was a hidden kind of evil. Trust.

“Been good, Top! Nice to see you too.” With a quick side hug and Kie shouting out for me (remind me to kiss her for that!) I excused myself and he went back to his Kooks. I wearily took out my phone from my shoulder bag and shot Cleo a look, she simply nodded as I texted Rafe.

With a deep breath I tell Cleo to cover for me and I head south of where we were settled, towards the hidden cave where Rafe and I used to sneak off to. Within minutes of me rubbing my clammy hands to dry them off I heard another set of footsteps.

“Squirt..” I look up and meet those gorgeous ocean blue eyes and in a shocking twist to myself am calmer than ever. I look down to brace myself before standing up and he reaches a hand out for me to take, I hesitate a bit but do. He helps me down the rock I had just sat on and when I’m steady on my feet I pull back my hand, crossing them over my chest.

“I uh- should have prepared better because now that you’re here, I can’t think of what to say.” His hands shoved in his pockets as he fidgets with something.

“You wanted to be heard, so I’m just repaying you for when you did it for me. Just say what you need to say, Rafe.” He was nervous, I could see it all over his face, his eyes trailing every inch of my face as if he was trying to omit it to memory.

“You look beautiful. I me- You always do! I just mean, the dress is wow. Ahem.” Yeah, he was nervous. He began by reminding me of why I left him in the first place and as if I needed to be reminded it replayed in my memory, the frantic texts when he had left for the restroom, me trying to find him in the halls and rooms of Tannyhill, Topper’s stupid smirk when he told me Rafe was waiting for me in his bedroom. Me walking in on him high as a kite, random bitch with her panties around her ankles sitting in his lap. I remembered everything. Just as we settled onto a soft patch of sand to talk, my phone dinged repeatedly. The Pogues.

“I wanted to talk to you again because I miss you. More than I could put into words, more than I could ever even imagine and wanted to do it now, a long while later, I know but, it took me this long because of rehab, therapy and well work. I would’ve done this so much sooner if I hadn’t had so many things in my way. I also just wanted to be a better version of myself when and if you ever gave me this chance, which I’m very grateful for by the way.” It hit me like a brick to the back of the head. He had gone to rehab? He’s in therapy?

“I never dated anyone after you, when what happened with Sofia, happened, I uhm. Cut everyone off. Called Rose a wreck and asked her to put me in rehab. Was there for a few months, then therapy right after, and it’s only as needed now.” His hand now on my knee as we had sat in the sand a few minutes into talking. His rings leaving a chill on my bare skin as he played with the hem of my dress absentmindedly.

“I wanted to get better for you. To be better so that I wouldn’t look as stupid as I was when apologizing to you, that night, that apology.. It was- Wasn’t the right time, it wasn’t even a good or decent apology.. So, yeah. That’s the last year of my life.. I just wanted to try and start over with you. Because I don’t see my life with anyone else but you, Squirt. You were my light, my girl, my everything and I fucked all of that up over drugs and money but none of that shit even matters to me now. It never mattered the way you did, the way you do. Y/N.” With that I was done. Folded. Broken and out together by a glue stick then torn apart all over again. He still loved me like I loved him. I don’t remember much after I sat there throat dry awaiting him to bring us drinks until I woke up on my couch, at the cottage.

[sweetfirebird]

whether or not the SAVE Act passes...

Anyone in the US who has ever changed your name, including for marriage or to hide from an abuser, get backups of your important documents, just in case.

You can request certified copies from county clerk offices for your birth and marriage certificates! If you aren't near that county anymore, you can usually mail a notarized request in! Notarizations cost the most in CA and NY, but they are fairly cheap everywhere else. And then you are just paying the county clerk fee. In California, this is, or was, $10 per document requested. Again, other states are usually cheaper.

You would need a certified copy of your birth certificate to get a passport anyway, and if you have a passport, you should be able to get your Real ID from your state without issue.

And if it passes, I want to contribute to or help set up a fund to help people get these things. But also, voting is supposed to be a state's rights issue, so I assume this shit would get challenged. But you know... we live in this hot mess for the time being so. Better safe than sorry.

Passports DO cost more money to get, but if you can get a passport right now, I'd recommend it.

For that you will need the pictures (which you can get done at the post office, as well as sending in the paperwork. You can make an appointment but most don't require that.). You can get the pictures done elsewhere but that costs you money and might get rejected.

You will also need the application fee, and the certified copy of your birth certificate or other proof of citizenship. And the application, all filled out.

A how-to video

In normal times, this is not a stressful procedure, just a little expensive for some of us. It's gonna total about $200 including the county clerk fees.

[sairaverse]

yesterday I saw pictures of myself as a kid with long hair before I cut it a bit too much, then I noticed my hair did grow. and I cried a little which made the pain go away. I think I was accidentally bottling it up, which I've never done my whole life! but I was trying to "persist" and stuff. but you can affirm any time. I feel a lot better and I know ny hair grows fast so im noy worried. and im trying not to even think about the "how" - after I got over my bitch of an ex last year I was limerant over, I decided I can't go for these athletic girls who want to be proper and are snobby anymore. that's how she is. also in her ig post about her testimony im pretty sure she was referring to me as "worldly ideology and temptation" ... like I didn't make u like me that much. or maybe I did i was a manifestor back then too. ANYWAY I watched Nana and decided I needed to go full on edgy bc basic girls unforch dont get me and ny interests sighhh, I hsve had multiple dreams about the person I want. I never met her prior, but I made a whooole person like detailed down. and I've had dreams of us being silly mostly. and one of us underwater and I kissed her. I got so stressed about the "how," and that the year is ending. but who really cares yk? wven if she doesn't go to my school (she will) it'll be okay. but I'll find her im sure. 😓 I took my interests off that and my hair and am focusing on clothes and hobbies instead so I have motivation now and I feel lots better after remembering to express emotions. I never cared much for shifting so I have an assumption I can just like. do it if I do it. so I wake up every day. but also I dont do SATS or shift bc I fall asleep . but I take me being so tired lately for no reason (I sleep at like 10 30 or before) as evidence my brain is working hard or whatever. ps. I named her Vivian after Vivienne Westwood. sigma.🧷🧷🧷

embarassing but ykw. I dont care its happiness to me. and im a decent girl so I think its not out of my league yk? that's helpful but my parents set that up😭

omg babes this wasn’t embarrassing at all—thank you for being so open with me 🧷 i actually think everything you said is major movement and you’re way more in tune with yourself than you think.

it really hit me when you said you cried after seeing your childhood pics… like yeah. that wasn’t you breaking down, that was you releasing. you were finally safe enough to feel. and honestly? letting emotions move through you is part of persisting. you don’t have to bottle anything up to be “doing it right.”

the fact that you felt better and remembered your hair grows fast? that's realignment. and deciding not to worry about the "how" anymore is a huge shift too. you’re not being lazy or falling behind—you’re trusting. that's how it’s supposed to feel.

and the dreams?? especially ones where you're just being silly with someone you made up in full detail?? yeah. that's not random, that's creation. you're literally building a real connection in your inner world. she already exists for you.

and the thing about being tired? ngl I fully believe that’s your subconscious working overtime. shifting or manifesting doesn’t always look like flashy routines—sometimes it’s just you waking up and realizing your focus quietly changed.

you’re doing better than you think. clothes, hobbies, expression—it’s all part of stepping into the version of you who has it. and tbh? you are a decent girl. you get to have what you want. you’re not reaching for something too big. it’s already yours.

thank you for sharing all this with me fr 💖 i feel honored honestly

[fictionalmenmakemecry]

Fuckin' with the Ecosystem- Chapter 4

Character: Carmy Berzatto x Reader

Summary: You decide it was time for a new chapter. You pack up everything in New York and drive back to Chicago with Carmy by your side. Due to the stress you both feel from the move, you're both on edge which leads to a mess you have to deal with.

Warnings: Angst, cursing, fluff

A/n: Chapter 4 is here! The further this goes the more twisty it's gonna get! I'm only getting started. Poor Carmy always has the best of intentions but seems to get caught on the delivery. Thank you for all of the support guys. I really appreciate it. I have a taglist going, let me know if you want to get added!

If you haven't read, here's: Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 and Chapter 3

Enjoy!

As you put the key in your door and walk into your apartment, it hits you that you're starting a new chapter. Once you made the decision to move to Chicago, you rang your landlord, letting him know that you were moving out. He wasn't too pleased to hear about it. You told him that you'd find someone to sublet it for the remaining 3 months you had left on your lease. You knew it wasn't going to be a challenge as New York was continuously dealing with a renting shortage.

The two weeks flew by. You felt like you were always catching up on what needed to get done. But never being able to finish a task completely. You put an ad out for your sublet, and to say people were desperate was an understatement. You had several responses in minutes and multiple viewings arranged. Once you picked the few people who were good to sublet, you handed it over to your landlord, as he had the final approval. Within a day of that, you had an official date to move out, and suddenly, everything felt real. Before this, in your mind, you felt like you could change your decision, and it would have been okay. But now, you don't have an apartment next week, so now you had to move, whether you had wanted to or not.

"Getting cold feet?" Carmy voice spoke out of your phone.

"No, no.. just seeing my things in boxes is... making it real" you looked around seeing your frames leaning against the wall and your possessions all over the place disorganized.

"Your flight is good?" You asked, bring your focus back on the task on hand.

There was a moment of silence.

"Yea, think so. Here, let me send you the link to my flights" Carmy muttered

Your phone vibrated with an email notification labeled as "NY flight".

"Okay... well... I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?" You asked, feeling your stomach flip realizing you'll be seeing him.

Since you've been so busy organizing everything, you forgot the whole point of the actual move. To start a new job in a new city, with great people and a close old friend. The stress was nearly over when it came to closing the chapter in New York, and was replaced that was excitement for Chicago.

"Sure will, don't stand me up." You sensed a smile off of him

You waited at the arrival gate, scanning the bundles of people coming out. Your eyes hopped face to face, until you finally recognized one. He walked up to you with open arms carrying his backpack on one shoulder. He was wearing his wool coat and white shirt combo. Always a classic for him. You gave a quick hug, breathing in his usual smell which was a mixture of cigarettes, deodorant and gum.

Carmy was relieved to see you waiting there. He noticed you before you noticed him. A warm sensation spread across his chest when your eyes landed on him and a smile broke out on your face immediately.

You both hopped on the subway, Carmy telling you everything that happened since you've been gone. He explained how Richie, Fak and Marcus has been busy breaking down the place. While Tina and Ebra have enrolled into a short eight week course in culinary school. Syd has been busy researching new flavors and themes for the restaurant.

"Suga' has been dealin-"

"IRS are being a pain in the ass" You cut him off walking down the street getting closer to your apartment.

"Yeah.. how did you know?" Carmy looked over surprised.

"We've been chatting on the daily. She keeps me in the loop. She's also been helping me find a place in Chicago." You grinned at him pulling out your keys as you came up to building.

"Oh.." He hummed and looked down.

"So, you know everything already. Why didn't you stop me?" He asked, him now feeling out of the loop.

"I like the sound of your voice babes" You mocked, opening the door.

You looked back at Carmy, who followed you into the lobby, giving you a smirk.

You both arrived at your apartment and swung the door open. He followed you in, dropping off his bag at the door.

"I have most of the small things packed away. It's alotta awkward big stuff I'm gonna need help with." You turned around to see Carmy looking around while walking further into your living room.

You felt vulnerable now that he was standing in your safe place. The place you called home for 4 years.

"I know- its not much bu-"

"It's.. its nice. Cosy," he landed his eyes back you, giving a gentle smile.

Your apartment was small and not the most modern. But over the years, you tried your best to make it yours. Your kitchen was a joke. You barely could swing a cat in it. But lucky for you, you worked in a restaurant which mostly kept you fed and you never really cooked anyway.

"That kitchen is an abomination," He stated, pointing at it in shock.

You chuckled knowing he was going to judge your kitchen.

"You wanna know the worst part?" You walked over and grinned.

You leaned over to the stove which was crammed in the corner of the kitchen. You opened the door of the oven. The door stopped 3/4 of the way before hitting the wall in front of it. You glanced over to Carmy who's jaw was open. He raised his arms to his head in dismay.

"What the actual fuck" He uttered, walking away with his head shaking.

With a busy couple of days ahead of you, you started getting errands done. Tomorrow was the final day, and there was still a lot of shit that needed to get sorted. He started breaking down your your bed frame and tables you had.

"Ikea piece of shit" He muttered to himself as he struggled with taking out a screw that was stripped.

"Who the fuck made this bed?" He yelled out to you from the bedroom.

You smiled to yourself, knowing he was going to love the answer.

"Take a guess" you yelled back.

"Dickhead Nick" He spat finally getting the screw loose.

You giggled to yourself hearing the string of curse words Carmy was uttering.

"Finally" He huffed, after half an hour of struggle.

You popped your head around the corner and watched Carmy gather the parts of the frame and put them all together in the corner of the room. The frame was heavy, but Carmy lifted it like it was nothing. You couldn't resist looking at his arms flexed with the movement of each piece. His arms against the tight sleeves of his shirt.

"You okay?" You snapped back to notice Carmy looking over at you, dusting his hands off.

"Yeah- yeah, sorry. I'm just tired," You walked away, feeling yourself blush from the thought of getting caught admiring him.

Carmy went to collect the rental truck as you finished off putting the last few things in boxes. That night, you both slept on the floor with a blanket and pillow. It didn't matter how uncomfortable it was. You were exhausted to the point of passing out.

You woke up with the sounds of your alarm. You picked up your phone to see 5:00 am. You looked over to the sight of Carmy laying on his stomach, his face smooshed into the pillow with his mouth half open. As you sat up, the floor boards creaked, making him stir. He stretched out his arms, yawning. His white shirt tossed beside him.

"Warm?" You rubbed your eyes.

He looked at you with his eyes half open. You flicked your eyes to the white bundle beside him. His eyes followed, and realized what you were talking about.

"Um- yeah. This place is fuckin' boilin' at night," he muttered sleepily, sitting up.

"Yeah, that's the one thing I don't like about this place." Your eyes traveled down to his bare chest. His gold chain resting against his skin. Your dragged your eyes away before he noticed.

You thought back to years ago when he was way more scrawny. He really had grown into his... physique. His shoulders were a lot more toned and built than you remember.

Hold up, you caught yourself. You stopped yourself going down that rabbit hole. It's been awhile since you've gotten any but you and Carmy have never been like that.

He leaned over and pulled his shirt over his head, tossing his hair all over, pushing his arms through.

"So... let's get ready, and pack the final things in the truck, sweep the place, and we should be good to go before traffic gets bad," you commented getting onto your feet and made your way to the bathroom.

"Heard" He mumbled rubbing his eyes.

You both worked your way through the apartment and played Tetris a little with trying to cram as much as possible in the truck.

"I'm tellin' you, if you take that out, you're just going to undo all the work we did last night." You grunted, getting annoyed with the constant struggle of your belongings.

"Lemme try." Carmy snapped back, glaring at you.

He handed you the box that you were both struggling to fit. You were beyond exhausted, and the thought of driving 12 hours put you in a further bad mood.

You watched, annoyed, as Carmy readjusted the lamp that was taking up too much space.

"I know you don't wanna have this in front with us, but you goin' hafta." He took out the tall lamp awkwardly, losing his patience with it. He wiggled it and angled it out. Then, he took the box off of you. He slotted it into the gap that was left behind by the lamp. He slammed the doors and turned to you, a small smile appearing on his face.

"What?" You barked, frowning back at him.

He stared at you for a moment.

"Nothin," he shook his head, the smile still on his face.

If he was honest, he couldn't stay annoyed at you when he looked over and saw how pissed you were, holding your lamp. He thought about how rough you both were . Your hair tied away from your face, and his just a bush on his head. Both sporting bags under your eyes. You standing there holding a lamp angerly, just shifted something inside him. To him, you looked ... cute? He couldn't place the words. He dismissed the thought quickly but with the remnants of the smile left behind. You both had a lot of shit to get through today, and he's thoughts weren't on top of the list.

You entered your old apartment for the last time. Completely empty. The walls looked bare after so long filled with your favorite pictures and posters. You walked through all the rooms and checked the closets to make sure nothing was left behind.

You glanced down the hallway to see Carmy leaning against the wall, playing with the truck keys absent-mindedly. Two months ago, you were minding your business, figuring out your next job in New York. With one phone call, now you're moving to Chicago to work in a non-existent restaurant.

You made your way back to him, and you took one more look before closing the door.

"Ready?" He asked, looking back at you.

You nodded, smiling back at him.

With a long road ahead of you, you decided to take turns driving the truck. Carmy offered first. You didn't know if because he saw how tired you were, or he was just being kind. Twenty minutes into the journey, you were conked out.

One arm on the steering wheel, the other resting on the door, he would glance from time to time over to you. You leaned up against the other side of the truck with your head against the window using your hoodie as a make-shift pillow.

Carmy had a constant knot in his stomach the last week. He felt excited to see the plan that you made actually happen. It really did feel like a new beginning had started. The restaurant being remodeled and you moving to Chicago, it felt real. For once, he was actually feeling hopeful about the future.

Along the journey, you made a few pitstops for bathroom breaks and snacks.

"Where... ar wehh?" Carmy lifted his head feeling the truck coming to a stop outside a gas station.

" I dunno, fuck middle nowhere Pennsylvania," you said before getting out of the car.

"Still? Fuckin' hell. How big is this state?" He groaned, readjusting his head.

You came back with two energy drinks, and you threw him a bag of chips.

"Thanks," he mumbled

"It's the only payment you're getting for helping me move." You smirked, cracking open a can.

You heard him give a light chuckle before putting his head down again.

Once the sun came up, you both felt more awake. It a crisp winter morning. Cold, fresh, but the sun was shining with a clear sky.

You pulled over for another pit stop.

"Huhh" Carmy readjusted in his seat, completely disorientated from his power nap.

"Needa pee" you said restlessly.

"Again?" Carmy complained

"Energy drinks run through me"

The truck came to a halt. You jumped out and raced inside, barely waiting for the automatic doors to open fully before going in.

Carmy sat up in his seat and decided it was his turn to drive. He made his way to the driver side. He thought to himself for a moment before turning on the truck, putting it into drive, and pulled away.

He had no idea what got into him, but he wanted to fuck with you.

He had moved the truck to the other opposite side of the gas station, to the point where you would have to turn around to see it as you walked back to the old parking spot.

He watched the door waiting for you to come out. His hand resting against his mouth, tapping his finger on the steering wheel.

You walked out in the direction where the truck was parked, to see it not there anymore. You swore you parked it right there, took glance around to your left and right.

Were you losing mind?

Did Carmy take off?

Doubtful but it did pop into your mind.

Carmy continued to watch from the driver seat. A sneaky smile emerging on his face, he watches you look around. He could tell you thought you were losing your mind.

He gave the steering wheel a light push, and a short horn blared out of the truck. He saw you whip around from the sound, and a smile popped up on your face.

You went to the truck and got in the passenger side.

"You fucker" you giggled punching him lightly in the arm.

"Gotta keep you on your toes." He chuckled, rubbing this arm where you hit.

"I thought you dipped." You said securing your seat belt.

"Na, I'm not that bad," Carmy pulled out of the gas station.

For the next couple of hours, you chatted about random things, trying to keep you both dying from boredom. The conversation would get interrupted with Carmy's road rage of people cutting him off and traffic building up as you got closer to the cities.

"Why the fuck would Google Maps bring us on this route, it's slammed" He glanced at his phone

"Cause someone wanted to avoid tolls" You rolled your eyes to him.

"You fuckin' think I'm willing going to pay 90 dollars to those bastards?" He lightly hit the steering wheel in frustration.

"Well it would only be half-"

"It's not about the money..." He broke off as you both crawled along the road.

Nine hours into the twelve hour road trip, and both of you were starting to feel it. You were looking rough to begin with, but now you both felt just as rough.

With you behind the steering wheel again, you glanced over and saw him gaze out the window, his head leaned back. You didn't know if he was asleep. The sun was slowly starting to make its way down. The dusky sky was followed by an early dark night.

"Pull over at the next gas station." Carmy spoke up, looking over at you.

"Why?" You checked your rearview mirror and blind spot before turning your blinker on.

"Chicago is a mess when it comes to one ways. It'll be easier if I drive the rest of the way" He explained licking his lips.

You didn't fight him on this. You hated driving in a new city, the stress of the traffic, especially in a truck that was a lot bigger than your old car, you were glad he offered.

You switched sides and felt a ping of sadness that the road trip was near to an end. You were glad that the move was finally over, but wished you appreciated being around Carmy more. You felt the need to cling onto every minute spent with him. The feeling that you got in your stomach, your gut. You haven't felt that in a long time. The peace you had with him when cruising down the highway.

"What's your address?" He asked as you pulled up to a stop at a red light.

You pulled up your email confirming your lease contract on your new apartment. He glanced over, his eyebrows immediately popping up.

"You're fuckin' kidding me, ight?" He scoffed.

"What?" A hint of worry in your voice.

"Could you have picked a rougher neighborhood?" He asked sarcastically.

"I asked Sugar an-"

"Suga hasn't a fuckin' clue. Why didn't you ask me? Or anyone else...." He ridiculed.

"It can't be that bad." You dismissed his attitude, trying to reassure yourself.

There was a moment of silence with the red light turning green.

"Fuck- okay. it's fine. But if any- I mean any shit goes on, you immediately call me or Richie, okay?" He took his eyes off the road staring at you.

"Yea- yes, of course" You nodded pressing your lips in a fine line.

As you traveled through Chicago, you looked through the perspective of it as your new home. You took note of maybe some cafes and shops you wanted to go visit. You started to see more and more neglected buildings as you got closer and closer to your new apartment.

"I didn't have many options." You blurted out.

"With the timeframe I had and what I can afford right now. It was between this place and another, but I would have to wait another week before getting the other place, " you explained, feeling uneasy looking out at the streets.

"W-why didn't you tell me? We could have worked something out? You know I would have fixed you up with somethin'," He said softly.

You looked over and saw his eyes soften. You felt guilt, layered on top of all the negative feelings that were in your stomach right now.

"I didn't want to be in the way. I felt like I was already a burden with taking you away from the restaurant for the last couple of days" You brought your head down not wanting to go down this train of thought.

Carmy brought his hand up to his face and rubbed his forehead. He didn't want to make the situation worse. He wanted to pick his words carefully, feeling your uneasiness beside him.

"Look, the place isn't probably that bad and it's not forever" He gave a small smile trying to comfort you.

"Six months" You whispered feeling completely disheartened by the change in atmosphere in the last couple of moments.

"Yea- that's good. That'll fly by" He smiled again.

But it was too late, his first reaction was the real one and not what you needed. To move to a big city by yourself is hard enough. To do it in the bad part of town is not something you wanted to also deal with.

"What number?" He asked, looking out his side window

"Two thirty," you whispered.

Carmy continued down the street at a slow speed, keeping track of the numbers on the buildings.

"Here" He pointed in front of him pulling over to the curb.

You didn't even want to look. The weight in your stomach was keeping you from looking up. The adrenaline from New York had worn off, leaving you with disappointment and worry.

Carmy hopped out of the truck and was looking at a building that was a little run down, but the entrance was clean, and there were no dodgy people around that he noticed right away. He looked up and down the street to see a corner shop and a laundromat closest. He instinctively took out a cigarette and light it inhaling the smoke. He turned back to the truck window to still see you in the seat, looking down.

"Shit" He muttered to himself knowing he fucked up. He had to say exactly what was on his mind. He couldn't just keep it to himself and wait til' you got here. He mindlessly kicked a pebble on the ground while finishing his cigarette, trying to think what would be the best thing to do. He didn't want to make things worse. You were both on your reserves when it came to energy and patience with each other. He didn't want to stumble at the final hurdle.

After a few minutes, you heard the door being pulled open on your side.

"Hey... Look, I'm sorry... this is a really nice building from what I can see..." He braced his arm on the door jam.

"You're just sayin-"

"I'm not... I'm really not. I'll promise to tell you if your apartment looks like a shithole when we go see it"

You looked up to see his dead serious face break into a smile. You felt a smile creep up on your face even though you didn't want it to.

"C'mon" He nodded up, bringing his hand out for you to grab.

He helped you down off the truck, and you went inside with him right behind.

As you went to the building managers office, he walked around feeling out the place. He walked to the mailing room, which was a mess with piles of neglected mail from past tenants.

The place overall smelt like stale bleach. It was dated and worn, but it was clean. He was grateful for that.

"Got it"

He noticed how quiet you were. He would looked over and you give him a weak smile. But deep inside he knew you weren't okay. He wanted to hug you and hold you. He never had the intension to hurt you and he was pissed off with himself that he did.

You made your way to the fourth floor and made a wrong turn on the hallway before turning back.

"Here it is, 46C," you hummed, sticking the key in the hole.

With the door swinging open, you both walked in. The layout was close to your old apartment. The door opened to the living room with a hallway to your left where the kitchen and bedroom lead.

You walked into the living room where blank walls faced you with two windows looking out to the street below.

"Bathroom isn't bad" you heard Carmy call out further in the apartment.

You walked over to see him sitting on the toilet lid.

"I see you're giving it a test ride," you chuckled.

"Someone has to." He shrugged jokingly.

Him seeing you chuckle, even if it was a light one made him feel somewhat better than he didn't completely wreck the evening.

You turned around to see the bedroom directly across. It could comfortably fit a queen bed, which was a relief. From the pictures, you couldn't tell if the bed would be cramped in it.

"So, I was thinking the bed would be here?" You whipped around, spreading your arms, imitating the size of the bed.

"In the middle?" Carmy asked walking in behind.

You nodded, turning around to face the wall.

"Yeah... I think that would work," you grinned seeing the potential in this room.

You continued to imagine how the rest of your belongings would fit in your new bedroom.

"Let's get started. There's a lot to move still," he made his way out of the room.

The curse words that were uttered from both of you as you awkwardly moved the big pieces of furniture first. It was a close call when it came to the mattress fitting in the elevator. Carmy was adamant that it was going to fit.

"No way in fuckin' hell was I gonna drag this shit up four floors." He gave out as he was crushed against the elevator holding the mattress.

Both of your faces were flushed red and sweat gleaming from the heavy lifting.

Carmy and you struggled as you dragged the plastic covered mattress down the hall to your apartment. It was the last of the big pieces with mostly boxes left to carry.

Another hour, and the truck was finally empty. You took your phone out of your pocket to check the time. Eight o clock shined back at you.

"Damn, getting pretty late" You huffed, pushing the stray hairs from your face.

"I'll return the truck tomorrow," you continued watching Carmy close the back doors of the truck.

You stood there looking at each other for a beat.

"I better head home," Carmy said, taking a few steps back.

"What? No- I owe you dinner. It's the least I could do", you crossed your arms, feeling the cold around you.

"You sure?" He checked, with his head down looking up through his lids.

With Chinese on your lap, you looked across to see Carmy lean up against one of your many boxes with his legs stretched out in front of him on the floor.

"You're right, it's pretty good," you hummed, enjoying the burst of flavor in your mouth.

Carmy nodded along, tucking into this food eagerly.

The apartment was mostly quiet with the odd random distant yell from outside, you presumed to be crackheads.

"I know you won't believe me, but I really do like this place" He looked up around your living room.

"The location is shit, but..."

"I know, but this place has potential." You smiled, finishing off his sentence.

"Yeah," He said in a soft tone, turning up the corners of his mouth.

His eyes lingered on yours for a moment. You traveled your eyes down his neck, chest, and down his arms.

You would be lying to yourself if you didn't notice his arms when he helped your lift heavy boxes. He refused to let you lift anything that he thought you might struggle with. He was considerate. Always thinking about you in a way that no one else would. Your friendship meant so much to you. In a moment like this, you felt that you might need his friendship a lot more than he might need yours.

Here you are, in Chicago. Working with one of your closest friends. Nothing else is here, only him. The vulnerability you felt in that moment, developed fear that you hadn't felt before.

"I can't believe you're actually here" Carmy spoke out, breaking your swirling thoughts.

"I know, it's just hitting me too," you said in a dissociated daze.

His eyebrows furrowed for a brief moment, wondering what you were thinking. Were you regretting your decision?

"I think you'll like Chicago," He said positively, keeping his eyes on you.

"Mhmmm," you murmured, your eyes glazed over and your mind in another world of your own.

"Y-you're not regretting your de-"

You snapped out of your trance and glanced over to Carmy to see his face covered in concern.

"No- no, no." You shook your head and smiled reassuringly.

He played with the food left over on his lap.

"Well... um.. you know I'm here, right?" He questioned.

"I know," you murmured, bringing your head down.

"I'm not goin' anywhere." He continued, leaning forward, trying to meet your eye line.

There was this sadness that you couldn't shake since getting here. You could feel it deep in your stomach. Was it anxiety? That reality has finally hit you in the face? The excitement that you felt earlier wasn't there and it worried you even more.

Carmy knew there was something up. You weren't present since you've arrived. It was a long few days for both of you, and it could have been exhaustion, but he didn't want to leave you alone. He felt guilty just walking away, especially when something was up.

You kept your head down, not wanting to make eye contact with him. You were afraid that if you did, you would completely break down and cry.

A moment later, you just heard him shuffle. You felt a warm hand on top of yours. You saw inked fingers grasp yours and a body of warmth wrapping you in a hug.

You couldn't hold back. You felt your tears spill over. You turned into his chest and buried your face into his white t-shirt.

"It's okay... you'll be okay. " He hummed and pressed you closer to him.

You sat there for a couple of moments. No other words were spoken. His embrace eased the anxiety that you were feeling. You had no idea what came over you. This was not the feeling you were expecting when first moving in.

You eventually pulled away, wiping your puffy eyes. Your face was red hot from all the crying.

"I-I'm sorry." You forced a smile on your face.

He looked at you with a comforting smile, his blue eyes flickering between yours.

"Don't be." He whispered, his arm still wrapped around you.

"I'm.... just glad to be here for you." His thumb caressed the back of your hand.

Both of you sat in your new apartment floor in between several boxes scattered. The apartment was cold and bare, but Carmy was radiating heat. You leaned into him with your legs against each other. You looked away from his kind blue eyes and sniffled. You wanted to savor this moment. The peace you felt with him.

Your soft hand under his rough fingertips made him realise that he would be happy staying like this all night. If you wanted him there, he wouldn't budge. His thoughts carried on from what your hand felt like to what maybe your lips would feel like. He could only imagine the tenderness he would feel against his.

What the hell is wrong with you?

She needs you. Don't fuck this up.

You eventually looked up at him again. Your eyes gazed at his beautiful messy hair, his fatigue blue eyes, and... his lips.

You went back to his eyes to catch him looking down at your lips. Your breath caught in your throat. Both of your eyes met in that second. Your faces inches away from each other.

Both of you scared to lean in. Both of you wanted it more than anything.

His rough fingertips grazing your cheek so lightly.

In that moment, you realized what you were risking. Did you really want to go down the same path you went down before? You move for a boy, fall for a boy... get hurt by a boy.

Carmy was all you got right now. You didn't want to risk anything that would make you lose that. As much you wanted to kiss him and give into every urge you had, the sting of your previous mistake was still there in the back of you mind. In this moment, you needed to take a step back before you did something you might regret.

You dropped your head not wanting to look into his eyes with what you were going to say next.

"Carmy...I-I can't," your voice barely audible.

"Fuck, I'm sorry- I don't..." He fumbled.

"I just... I've been here before. I can't make the same mistake,"

Carmy pulled away from you completely. His hands left yours, you felt the absence of heat immediately after he pulled away.

"I-I fucked up, I'm sorry" He shuffled to his feet.

"It's not that..." You tried to get words out, but before you knew it, Carmy had grabbed his jacket and was on his way out.

"Carmen," you sternly called out, getting up from the floor.

But the door was already shut. Your gut was twisting back and forth. You were so dazed on what just happened. It was too fast for you to even digest. You stood there for several moments trying to understand what was going on.

The last thing you wanted to do was hurt him. You felt your stomach churn realizing that you might have destroyed one of your closest friendships. You wanted him, you wanted to explain how you felt. You wanted him to convince you that you weren't making a mistake.

The deep feeling of anxiety in your stomach had emerged again, only this time much worse. As tears rolled down your face, you barely had the energy or will to tear the plastic wrapping off your mattress and root in the box, that was labeled 'bedding', to get a pillow and blanket. You let your body fall back on the mattress and instantly closed your eyes. This was suppose to be a new beginning in a new city. That clearly wasn't happening now that you've hurt one of the only people who you were close to in this city. The sirens in distance helped you phase into a deep sleep. Fatigue finally taking over your body. You didn't have any energy left to do anything else.

Carmy got back to his apartment, his stomach in knots. repeating the last moment he had with you. Remembering the pounding in his heart when looking into your eyes. Then, the sensation morphing into a sharp pain when you said his name in a negative tone.

He couldn't stop thinking about it over and over. He didn't even remember walking home. After you said his name, everything turned into a blur. The tone in your voice made him feel ashamed of himself. Were you disappointed in him as a friend when you needed him most? That you thought he was trying to take advantage of you at your most vulnerable? All these thoughts were whizzing around in his brain. His rational thoughts were no longer pushing through.

Should he have stayed to explain himself? Explain what he felt for you was something real that he's never had before. It's the surest thing that he has in his life right now, his feelings for you.

The last few days his thoughts made it plainly obvious that he wants to be more than friends. He was able to admire you when he usually couldn't. The everyday you. The you that was sleeping, eating, just living. He caught himself smiling to himself multiple times for no real reason. The only difference was, he was around you.

He kicked his shoes in the corner, dropping his jacket on the ground before dropping back on the couch. To say he was deflated was an understatement. The thought of seeing you tomorrow would usually make his pulse speedup but now, he felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.

He went through all the awful scenarios in his head. Were you going to ignore him? Or tell him to fuck off? Or tell him that you only ever saw him as a friend? Nothing else.

The last one drove a lump in his throat. He knew he wasn't going to get much sleep tonight. He didn't even care if he didn't. The only thing he wanted now was tomorrow to go by as fast and painlessly as possible.

Chapter 5

Masterlist of other fics

Taglist: wabi-sabi1090

[bless-my-demons]

Redamancy: Chapter Twenty

Series Summary: What happens when your soulmate is a vampire that struggles to maintain a diet of trying not to kill you? Common sense says run for the hills, nothing is worth your life - but my heart is whispering why not, what’s there to lose?

Warnings: angstyyy

Notes: Posting a day early - y’all can thank @losa12308 for catching me in a good mood, hope this helps ya feel better hun❤️

Word Count: 2130

Series Masterlist

Reader

Nearly two weeks Jacob Black has not only been ignoring and avoiding Bella, but Quil and I too. Ever since the night of the movies, since his uncharacteristically rude outburst at Mike Newton. Both of my best friends were stressed about it which in turn stresses me out. I’ve called him multiple times to leave voicemails about what he’s doing to his friends, but it was to no avail - radio silence remained.

Bella said Harry Clearwater told her it was mono, but anyone could smell that bullshit from a mile away. Did mono render you catatonic? Unable to communicate with people that care about you?

An uneasy feeling settled in my gut, it had to be more. Something was keeping him from us and I want to know what that something is.

I need to know, I can’t just lose another one…

• March 4th, 2006 • Home •

Reader

“Mom!” I shout through the empty house, trying to locate her.

A rare day we both have off to spend together and I’m about to ditch her.

“Yes, sweetheart?” I hear her voice drift from the laundry room as I make my way downstairs.

Turning as the sound of my approaching footsteps, she raises her eyebrows at my appearance - noting that my state of dress isn’t exactly for a day-in at home anymore.

“Bella called, was wondering if I’d go hiking with her? I think she just needs to take her mind off of Jake and wants company.”

My moms face falls slightly, but I can tell she won’t stop me from running to my best friend’s aid, “Just be careful and take your phone.”

“Thanks mom!” I surge forward and hug her quickly before snatching my keys from the hook by the door on my way out.

“And be back before dark!”

“Of course, love you!” I shout back.

“I love you too, honey!”

I speed almost the entire way to Bella’s - wanting to get her mind off of Jake was true, but she also wanted help finding the meadow.

As in, the meadow.

Her and Edward’s meadow.

• March 4th, 2006 • Ithaca, NY •

Jasper

For months I’ve been feeling with this crack in my soul because of her and I’ve been doing it alone. Admittedly it’s my own doing, but the chafing of not really having my brother in my corner has worn away at me in way that doubles the pain of the loss.

I find myself gravitating towards his closed door, something that before Ithaca would’ve been an odd sight, and knocking on the thin wood.

“Go away.” The words rumble in his distinct baritone just loud enough for me to hear.

“No.” I answer simply, just as tired.

The door whips open in a flash and his eyes send a shock through me. Not because they’re dark with hunger - but dark with anger. And his emotions reflect it threefold.

“What do you want?” His tone raises my hackles, reminding me that my brother isn’t one to be messed with in a mood like this one.

A delicate hand curls up and around his chest, the owner of it completely blocked from view by his massive frame, and he visibly deflates. His anger dialing back a fraction at the influence of just her touch.

A slice of pain lances through me, regret or just plain loneliness at this point I’m not sure.

“Hear him out.” Rose orders him softly, kissing him on the cheek as she slips out from behind him and meets my eyes before disappearing down the hall. “Good luck.”

I reign in the laugh that threatens to bubble up at her throwing me to the wolves, but it’s another thing I’m doing to myself of my own free will, I need my brother.

Holding open the door wider for me to enter, he turns on his heel and deposits himself into the loveseat across from the tv, some muted football game flashing on it.

“I miss you and I’m sorry.” I unload on him with no preamble. No drawn out apology has ever been a requirement of his, short and to the point always a favorite to him.

A dark laugh thunders from him in a way that crushes me even more, “That’s it?”

I nod, I had thought about this conversation for months since he started avoiding me, but all my rehearsed words vacate me.

“That’s one hell of an apology.” The remote emits a small crack as his anger continues to boil. “I got no say, no one wanted to hear me out, and I’m just supposed to suck it the fuck up and just go with the flow of what’s best for the family.” He’s practically vibrating with barely constrained rage, but I let him continue. “She’s not just yours, Jasper.”

A shock jolts me for the second time, his sadness tugging at my heart heavily.

“She’s yours and that’s what makes her mine.” I can tell my confusion spurs Emmett on and he rises from the couch, “As your brother, it’s my responsibility to be her protector and you fucking ripped that away from me. You’re hurting her on purpose and it’s hurting me.”

I’m speechless as his words sink in. Familial-like bonds in a coven as old as ours are strong, but I had no idea.

“She was also my best friend-my little sister. I told her I would be there for her and you’re making me break my promise - something I’ve never fucking done.” Turning away from me to pace in a very non-Emmett move, “Are you going to say anything?”

“I had no idea-”

“You never considered, never noticed, never asked. It’s only been you in pain. You and Edward. You don’t even see what it does to Alice every time you ask her to check on Y/n.”

Her name sends agony anew through me, a thin knife that slices flesh from bone with surgical precision.

“I’m scared.” He would’ve missed my whisper if it weren’t for his supernatural hearing.

“Scared of what?” He’s before me in a flash, gripping my shoulders. “Scared of loving her?”

“Scared of her loving me! Scared of hurting her!” The house falls into dead silence, listening. “You’ve never known terror like this with Rose! You’re not afraid to kill her just from being around her, smelling her, touching her. You have no restrictions, no boundaries!” Tears of venom swirl my vision, but refuse to fall.

I push him off me and turn, attempting to reign in my distress.

“Bro-”

“I can’t do this without you. It’s like wave after wave of grief and I’m at my limit Emmett.” The seriousness in my tone softens him, love and compassion flow from him in a way that feels like his old self and it loosens the tension inside me a fraction.

“I may be angry with you, but I’ll never leave you.” My brother spins me around and engulfs me in his signature bear-hug.

Esme may be the mother of our group, but Emmett is the glue holding us all together. I’d be drowning without my brother and if his death-grip of a hug is any indication, he knows it.

• March 4th, 2006 • Forks, WA •

Reader

“I’m pretty sure we passed that tree two times in the last hour, Bells.” Tromping behind my best friend, I keep my eyes fixed down to prevent myself from tripping over the dense foliage.

“We’re close, I just know it.” There’s a desperate edge to Bella’s voice that stops my teasing and squeezes my heart, I know that feeling. To be grasping for something out of reach to link me back to him.

Pushing through a particularly thick cluster of low-lying branches, I smack face first into Bella’s backpack.

“Bella, you can’t just stop-” Finally my surroundings make sense and I realize we’ve found it. It’s brown and sad as fuck, but we actually found it.

I spin, taking in every inch of the dead meadow as Bella drops to the ground, fingers clutching the crunchy grass. Facing the middle again, I gasp at the figure standing before us, the sound startling Bella into a standing position next to me.

“Bella and Y/n.”

“Laraunt.” His name is a choked gasp on my best friend’s lips.

“I didn’t expect to find either one of you here.” He begins pacing casually in front of us “I went to visit the Cullen’s, but the house is empty? I’m surprised they left you both behind. Weren’t you both sort of… pets of theirs?”

“Y-yeah, you could say that.” Bella answers him as I reach for her hand, a sort of dread sinking in as I think over his words and what he might be getting at.

“Do the Cullen’s visit often?”

You need to leave, darlin’. He’s not safe.

“Yeah absolutely - all the time.” Bella’s lie causes the hair on the back of my neck to raise.

“We’ll tell them you stopped by.” I chime in, trying to make it seem believable and also trying to keep the shaking from my voice - both from the deadly turn of the conversation and from hearing his voice in my head.

“I probably shouldn’t - Edward,” the name rolling of her tongue has her squeezing my hand in pain, “Because he’s pretty protective.”

“But he’s far away, isn’t he? They both are.”

Terror begins to flood my chest, he’s making sure we’re alone.

“Why are you here?” Bella flips the questioning onto Laraunt.

“I came as a favor… To Victoria.” His answer practically stops my heart and I know he can hear it.

“Victoria.” The whisper slips from me without a second thought.

“She asked me to see if either of you were still under the protection of the Cullens. Victoria feels it’s only fair to kill Edward’s and Jasper’s mates, given they killed her’s.” His eyes flicked between us, no doubt sensing the blow of both of their names. “An eye for an eye.”

“Edward would know who did it! And he’d come after you.”

Threaten him.

“Jasper would hunt both of you down.” My emotions fill my voice, the threat not as potent as it could be.

“I don’t think they will. After all, how much could you mean to them if they left you here, unprotected?” The vampire sighs, like he’s actually fucking torn, “Victoria won’t be happy about my killing you, but I can’t help myself - both of you are so mouth watering.”

“Please don’t, y-you helped us-” Bella begins to panic, but he flashes directly in front of us with his speed, fingers reaching for our faces.

“Shhh-shhh, don’t be afraid! I’m doing you a kindness - Victoria plans on killing you slowly, painfully. Whereas I’ll make it quick. I promise, you’ll feel nothing.”

“Edward I love you.” Bella’s confession slips as I close my eyes and squeeze her hand in mine. At least we go together, right?

“I can’t believe it.” The awe in Laraunt’s voice opens my eyes as twigs begin snapping in the tree line behind us.

One large wolf, black as night, emerges from the forest. Large being a gross understatement - more like the size of a fucking horse. Behind the massive animal emerges more of the same, although slightly smaller, but no less scary.

A pack of wolves. A pack of supernaturally huge wolves.

And they’re facing down a vampire, no less.

A vampire on a mission to kill us.

Run.

The command zings through me and takes charge. I yank on Bella’s arm as Laraunt bats away the first wolf like it was nothing, it’s yelp stunning her into action.

The panicked sprint through the woods for her truck is much faster this time than the hike out, neither of us stopping or looking back.

Afraid to see if anything was giving chase.

Afraid to see if the wolves didn’t buy us time.

The ride back to Bella’s was tense to say the least. Too stuck in my own head to even say anything to her, the terror still coursing through my veins keep my mouth shut and fists clenched. What if Laraunt got away from them? What if he was still hunting us?

I never realized until now how scary it is, not having the supernatural protection of the Cullens.

I never realized that I took for granted the safety Jasper surrounded me with. Well, used to surround me with.

The sour thought sends another all-too-familiar painful zap through my chest.

As soon as Bella pulls into her drive, I hop out and climb into my own as she runs inside, probably to tell her dad about the absolutely massive wolves lurking in Forks’ woods.

Wolves that might’ve just saved our lives.

Next

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[noangeleither]

"fixing" the panic attack scene to be more platonic ™

im extremely active on twt and have been noticing a sydcarmy tweet go viral multiple times a week (like w thousands of interactions its crazy), and its really great to see how much people love and see it for this ship. recently carmys panic attack scene went viral again, and naturally, some ppl gave their piece about how we are all dumb for interpreting it as romantic. that sydney represents his love for his job or his duty to the restaurant (*sigh*).

this scene imo, is the most concrete proof of this ship. i can excuse (not really) interpreting every interaction between them thus far as platonic but this scene....i just refuse. this is gonna be a long post, not analyzing the scene per se because i can't possibly say anything that hasn't already been said but more "fixing" the scene to fit the narrative of antis, and i hope in doing so really shows there's no other way to interpret this scene as other than romantic. again its gonna be a long post bc im just ranting and i think i will lose my mind if i dont type this out.

lets go.

so first off i like to think of this scene as an equation/experiment. simply a problem that needs to be solved.

problem/reason of panic = ...we will discuss this...

solution # 1 = claire -> failed

solution # 2 = sydney -> worked.

Problem/Reason

s02e09 opens up with carmy and claire finally consummating their relationship, with an interesting song choice might i add and carmy dissociating, looking sad, or broken (???) after. because many have said carmy pulling memories of sydney from his psyche to calm down have to do with work i always remember that, it really doesnt make any sense?

carmy is clearly having a panic attack due to him not being "fixed" as soon as he made it official with claire. he felt pressure from his family both currently and in the past to date claire because she is amazing and perfect. add mikey also being a part of that crowd, and carmy so desperately trying to connect with him when he cannot, is why i think he looks so despondent after that scene. i truly think he thought he would be a changed person after everything with claire and when that didn't happen he flipped...

we know this is the reason bc his panic attack starts with their sex scene and the lyric "I dont know" from strange currencies by REM.

this isn't to say that he isn't nervous or stressed about the soft open but its clear that he's not having a panic attack about work nor have we ever seen him have a work-related panic attack (correct me if I'm wrong). in s1 he has one or two due to him greiving his brother.

platonic fix: To make it about work I would have added scenes like when Carmy started that stove fire in braciole, his meltdown in review, some scenes of his horrible time at EMP, and him grieving his brother. i think these would represent his fear of failure, falling back into old toxic habits pertaining his career, the fear of fostering a toxic work environment like the ny chef and also the idea of "failing" mikey

but theres a reason why none of this occurs bc its not about his job or the opening of the bear. this is explicitly about his personal and romantic love life.

Solution # 1 : Claire

carmy proceeds to try and calm down by thinking of claire through literal rose-coloured glasses...

the music is distorted, he's thinking of his abusive family, he remembers every one pushing him to date claire bc shes a #goodthing.

again...this is not about his job and wouldnt make sense to think of sydneys place in his work life as a soultion to his clear personal problem....

platonic fix: in the story of carmys love life claire and sydney act as narrative foils. they have been compared and contrasted for all of s2. my platonic fix for this would be making the NY chef this first "solution" of a work-related panic attack. he represents a horrible time in his life but also represents a time when carmy was at the height of his career. when carmy gets locked in the walk in and has his monologue, its alluded to that he will revert back to that mind set in order to not let everyone down.

NY chef abused him for so long, it makes sense that carmys psyche would readily go back to his insults and the time he himself was an isolated 'psycho' bc it yielded results.

nothing is black and white and i DO think sydney represents a healthier approach to the toxic mess that is the culinary world and does represent that for carmy. if the show was invested in that, sydney and the NY chef could be overtly contrasted like sydney and claire have been.

BUT again this isnt about his job and dedication as a chef...thus why he tries to think of claire to solve his personal problem, and it fails.

Solution # 2: Sydney

LMFAOOO.

carmy then in a crazy plot twist starts thinking of his platonic work bestie sydney adamu....the love song dedicated by the show to his relationship with his girlfriend is then made clear highlighting some pretty damning lyrics about desire and love.....all platonic btw. yes you are dumb if you think otherwise (*wink*)

I actually have two platonic fixes for this...

platonic fix # 1: if we only wanted to focus on sydney as a person who calms carmy down because shes his work bestie who represents his responsibilty to the bear and the postive change they are trying effect in the culinary world, i would add scenes where they are...you know actually cooking???

i think its pretty crazy how the memories carmys immediately jump to are ones that have little to do with their jobs. when they first meet (would also like to note that when carmy first laid eyes on Sydney, he forgot she was there for a job, so this is his raw reaction to seeing a pretty girl lol) and when she comes back after she quit and their break up fight.

i would add their scenes in carmys kitchen (even tho this is extremely damning bc they were flirting DOWN - they don't make this easy at all). this represents their collaboration skills and the way they WORK and bounce ideas off of each other seamlessly. specifically the scene about him wanting to give her a star, representing his duty to her and the restaurant.

*and no shade to carmy but if his responsibility to the bear/syd as a co-worker was bothering him this much and calmed him down wouldn't he have just immediately called the fridge guy.....anyways*

platonic fix # 2 (the best one): if i was chris storer and joanna calo and i REALLY wanted to sell it that carmy isnt in love with sydney then i would put every single member of the OG beef crew + Nat to calm him down not just Sydney.

im talking to them laughing at family, carmy giving tina his chefs knife, richie in his new suit, carmys one on one w Marcus/trying his donut, nat telling carmy shes pregnant (signifing rebirth/wanting to rid all the toxic abuse from his family), carmy trying sydney risotto, and her face when he said it was tremendous etc etc...you get the gist

and honestly?

even as i type this out im tearing up a little bit bc that would have been really beautiful. carmy is changing. he can and is getting rid of old toxic habits from his family and the mess that is the culinary industry. things are changing for the better....that would be beautiful....IF his panic attack was about any of these things lol.

and to even look at this scene without this need for symmetry and we entertain the idea of carmy thinking about his job as a solution for his personal problem...carmy has said himself (s02e01) that this isnt fun for him. i dont think that means he hates cooking i kinda disagree with the ppl who think he isnt passionate about it. i just think currently its something that doesnt bring him joy but i do think its something hes starting to or at least could have started to enjoy if he just committed to working with syd...

conclusion

theres a lot of....delusion? denial? straight up bias? yes all of that, going on.

idk what is happening bc this show is really great at being subtle. but i dont know whats more in your face, dumbed down, even a toddler could understand, than this scene. if you dont come out of this understanding that carmy is falling in love/currently in love with Sydney...and i hate using this term..but you just arent media literate.

bonus: bc it makes me laugh and connects the purpose and solutions.

i think we need a Snyder Sydcarmy Cut™ of bolognese and omelette.

the start of the episode is when sydney and carmy fight over claires inclusion in the menu, and also when sydney randomly asks him to define his relationship with Claire. the episode would continue until we get to the table scene.

i think its WILD how as soon as Sydney asks him to define their relationship, carmy starts calling claire his girlfriend. then the show proceeds to insert sydney in their romantic montage, shows her tattoo about heartbreak and someone getting in the way of your relationship...THEN proceeds to have carmy compare these two women in his mind and only calms down after seeing Sydney.

i could talk about this scene for AGES. wheres the straitjacket....

[surprisequeersubplot]

The thing was.

The thing was, seeing Beck’s face on the screen in Time’s square and hearing him frame Peter for the attack on London, as well as Beck’s own murder, had been jarring.

Very jarring.

And for one long moment, Peter froze. A sensation as if he was suddenly floating submerged in icy water came over him at the sound of Beck’s voice. A feeling like frostbite binding to his limbs, stopping his heart, at the view of his bearded face and wild eyes, sweaty, frantic and, massive on the big screen.

Like rigor mortis set in, and Peter could not move, could not think, could not breath. He was trapped in a snow-globe all over again.

‘I tried to help you walk away. Now you’re making me do this.

‘I don’t think you know what’s real, Peter.

‘Now you’re making me do this.

‘I control the truth.

‘Making me do this.

‘I control the truth.

‘Will you beg for them, like you begged for-‘

And then MJ was standing in from of him, snapping her fingers for his attention and shouting “Hey!”

He zeroed in on her like she was a life raft in the Atlantic, and finally, he began to breathe again.

“We have to go, let’s – we have to go!” She said with authority, but Peter, knowing MJ as he did, caught the undertone of pleading in her voice, and he knew what he needed to do. He had to get her out of there, and so he did.

Making it back to his apartment was a blur. Peter knew there had been sirens, and eyes on him the whole way. He vaguely remembered facetiming with Ned briefly on the way, and MJ screaming as they swung.

And all of the sudden he was standing in the living room in boxers and his “I heart NY” T-shirt, while he and MJ frantically closed all the windows, locked all the doors, and attempted to distract his aunt. Somehow, during all of this, he was supposed to process Happy and May breaking up all of the sudden? Yeah no, that wasn’t gonna happen.

The same time that May noticed the shitstorm that was happening outside of their apartment, and reached over to turn on the news, Peter’s phone rang.

“Shit.” Peter blinked at the screen. May looked over his shoulder at the name ‘Tony Bologna’ that flashed across the screen. She said, “Oh thank God. Peter, answer it!”

Then to Happy’s questioning look, “It’s Tony.”

Happy nodded in agreement and added. “He’ll know what to do about this mess.”

“What? No!”

Happy snapped, “Why the hell not?”

“He just woke up, he – he should not be getting stressed out right now – “

“Oh, come on kid, he’s fine – “

“You know I don’t like Stark,” MJ pointed out, “but this seems like the kind of thing he might actually be able to help with.”

“Did you all forget he’d been in a coma for – “

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Peter!” Aunt May reached over, snatched the still ringing Stark phone out of his hands, and answered it. “Tony!

Are you watching the news?”

“Hey - what the hell, May?” Peter said, holding his now phone-less hand up in offense.

May pointed a finger at him, “Shhh, Bambino Stolto!”

Peter’s mouth fell open, “Wow, ok, first of all, ouch -”

“Tony, are you seeing this? Tell me you’re seeing this.”

“Did she just insult you in Italian? Nice.” MJ smirked.

“That’s Tony? Ask Tony if he’s seeing this –“

“Yes, Happy, he’s seeing this – yes, Stark, I know that’s why you called. What are we going to do about it?”

“No, no Aunt May, tell him everything is fine, absolutely nothing to worry – “

“You know, Peter might be right – Tony isn’t supposed to get his blood pressure up right now – ask him to put Pepper on – “

“Exactly, Happy! Doctor’s orders. See? Aunt May – “

“I’m with Happy on this, Pepper Potts is way more competent than – “

“Thank you, MJ! May, just tell him to put Miss Potts on – “

Finally, May shouts,

“Everyone. Shut! The! Hell! Up! Right this second. Thank you. Now. What were you saying, Tony? Ok, got it. I’ll tell him.

“Peter, Tony says that he heard you agree with Michelle that’s he’s

incompetent, and he’s writing you out of his will.

Yeah, Tony. He’s speechless. Yeah, I think you got him. Uh huh. Ok, uh huh.”

May hung up the phone.

“We’re going to the tower. Tony and Pepper have multiple lawyers, including one from the Accords Committee that we’ll be meeting with in an hour, so we need to get on the road right now. Happy, you’re driving.” She looked over at Peter, and reached a hand out to rub his arm soothingly, her eyes going soft. “Everything is going to be fine, honey. MJ, do you want us to drop you off at home on the way, or are you coming with?”

“What, and miss this? No way. I’m coming with.” She reached over and gave Peter’s hand a squeeze, along with a smile of reassurance.

Happy grabbed his keys and turned toward the door. “Let’s go. And Parker, you might want to put some pants on before we meet the lawyers.”

“Oh, shit!”

[bwbawa]

hello, so I'm questioning if I'm autistic so i can reach out for a diagnosis maybe, and i saw another person do this so i wanted to try it out

i wrote a list of some of the things i think that are autistic traits about me and if anyone would like to please read them and tell me if they could be autism or maybe smth else? lol, just as a big favour really. I'll give more context if any is needed, thanks so much!!

also please reblog for reach if you want to, thank you

ts bellow the cut :]

- stimming ( twirling and braiding hair, used to suck on my own hair as a kid, rocking back and forth, doing ??? weird stuff with ny mouth and fingers lol, moving legs a lot)

- echolalia; internal, repeating phrases and songs on my head, but also doing sounds with my mouth

- always feeling like an outsider. This wasn't bad for me as a kid since i was very into creepypastas and media related to being an outcast, i never related it to something bad until adolescence which im still in, and I'm more insecure now about it.

- also, very extroverted as a kid, didn't get social cues and was offensive sometimes

- couldn't and still can't control my strength very well ( sometimes things fall out of my hands or i touch someone harder than i wanted to)

- sensitive skin, to heat cold and pain

- very talkative, as a baby was LITERALLY born babbling

- not good at eye contact, either do way too much or way too little

- terrible at maths (jst not logical to me??? dk how people find them logical )

- kinda restrictive interests but no special interests

- very picky as a child, fav foods were salted noodles with ketchup or by themselves. ( still can't stand some foods and mixing some foods together )

- horrible coordination and balance: didn't learn to tie my shoes correctly, how to ride a bike or how to swim, i bought wheelies and cant use them because my balance is horrible, i run weird (like a baby kind of) and I'm always stumbling on my own feet

- again, didn't learn some stuff until grown: didn't know how to shower correctly or make my bed ( could be due to being very taken care of as a kid, aka my mom didn't let me do stuff by myself )

- terrible spacial awareness: again, stumbling with my own feet, waddling like a penguin when i walk with my friends lol

- bad perception of time

- got upset when things didn't go my way

- ran away when kids were being too loud but didn't mind big performances loud spaces

loud THUDS or sudden noises however startle me, scare me and stress me out: was and still am kind of afraid of balloons, shouting people and loud thuds. As a baby i cried when someone spoke too loudly

- lately I'm much more sensitive to stimuli than i was, could be due to heightened stress in my life: badly done beds make me want to cry, crumbs on the bed feel like hell, heat and sweating are hell, some months ago i cried because my sunglasses and headphones weren't working and there were too many sounds, my head it hurted and everything felt wrong, sent me into a kind of crisis.

- don't think I'm overly empathetic, but i have a strong sense of justice and get very upset and ill about injustices.

related to that, movies and shows that require a lot of stress i don't like, they make me feel ill and i prefer spoilers when it's like that, i get too nervous.

- socially awkward and don't know how to keep conversations going, at least small talk.

- although i used to talk a lot, nowadays i prefer to stay quiet sometimes.

- i get VERY angry and frustrated but it goes away kind of quickly?

-i used to be very loud and I still dont know how to control my tone of voice ( how loud or quiet i am) and i spoke in a very high pitched voice as a child

- i used to read a lot, went to the library in the recess instead of hanging out all the time with kids and used some complicated words that my parents didn't know i knew

- all my life i only had one close friend ( not the same, but always one)

- i think i had a specific routine of morning

- i have a hard time concentrating and being organized

- i make plans for myself in the night and get upset when OTHERS interrupt it but not when i do

- hard time knowing when to pee and when to eat

- again sensory issues, some foods make me want to puke, and wet, sticky or extremely dry hands are disgusting. Also, light touches feel like anger.

- as a kid I repeatedly watched stuff, ended up boring my family because i only wanted to watch that multiple times

- sensory seeker as a kid kind of, slept with my feet up, danced a lot (stimming?)

-i get irritated easily and can hurt people verbally

- don't know if related but i sometimes very anxious, get upset about not saying goodbye correctly to certain people, as a kid i used to cry and didnt want to go to school because of a "bad feeling" that smth bad was gonna happen, could be anxiety.

i absolutely sure there's more, but I don't wanna keep typing

just to finish, most of my circle is neurodivergent. And family wise, my sister is audhd, one cousin and uncle are autistic, my mom has adhd and two of my cousins are suspected autistic.

[equallyshaw]

little lion au! | luke hughes au! ↠ luke's nickname for liona, blurb! ↠ au masterlist!

↠ warnings: none! ↠ word count: 873. ↠ at this point, they have been dating about 6 months. its may 2024. ↠ italicized is russian.

liona and luke had spent the previous evening together, after an impromptu and last minute dinner in east village. after a win against the NY islanders, luke reached out to liona to go grab some food. she brought him to her favorite russian place, and absolutely adored that luke decided to show off the russian he'd been picking up from her (and duolingo). it made her heart swell, that he had taken the time to learn on his own and how much he paid attention to her 'little lion lessons' from time to time, and ofcourse the conversations she had with her dad over the phone. it meant the world to her that he cared enough.

_

the next morning to the two were cuddling with each other at her west village apartment that she shared with her two best friends from highschool. her phone had been blaring for a few minutes, but she ignored it - trying to savor this morning. "kai..." luke mumbled, her middle name- that he called her by. she groaned, pushing a hand to his face to shut him up. "kai..." he mumbled a bit more, opening his eyes and took in her morning hair. it was a bad bed head morning he thought, and he pushed some hair out of her face. "kai, you're phone." he whispered before pressing a kiss to her forehead. she pushed him away a bit too hard, because she ended up falling on the wood floor. he quickly looked over and relaxed, once she saw her sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "morning kai." he said with a cheeky grin, and she flipped him off as she heard her phone ring for the 5th time. "what dad?!" she demanded, as she picked up. luke watched as she and her dad conversed with each other in russian, and the annoyance that dripped from every word. "wait what?" she spoke aloud in english, and luke looked up at her from where he was ndext to her. "wait what?" she repeated, hopping out of bed and jogging over towards her front door. "oh dad....you didn't have to." she gushed, bending down to grab the marble glass vase that held her favorite flowers, chamomiles. "i love you dad, thankyou. ill call you tomorrow." she said before hanging up. luke walked into the kitchen where she was, and he leaned onto the counter next to her. "chamomiles!" she said giving him a wide smile, before turning back to them and looking on with marvel. "i cant believe he got them for me." she mused, sending a picture to her uncle malkin who knew how much she loved this flower.

"are they daisies?" he questioned, and she shook her head with a giggle. "no, they're russian chamomile's. russia's national flower, and somehow he got some to me. he knows they are my absolute favorite!" she said bringing her hands to her cheeks. "i thought tiger lily's were? hence his one nickname?" luke questioned, and liona shook her head. "well yes and now. while i do love tiger lily, i love chamomile's. the first time i went to russia, apparently i just flocked to the flower garden my babushka (grandma) had in her backyard, and these are what i began to pull out to smell. and ever since then, they've been kinda my thing." she said leaning into luke, as he pulled her into his side. "they used to say back in russia, 'liona's or lion's flowers.' and my dedushka (grandpa) put a sign next to them, and yeah. my dad gets them every year for my birthday, or whenever i need a pick me up." she said with a small smile. "how do you say it in russian?" he questioned, "romashka. and it means joy, calmness, poise, and its resilient i like to say, because they have the ability to bloom amidst times of stress, and adversity. and they still blooming, no matter what." she said leaning her head on his shoulder. luke's heart warmed because she just described herself. described herself through her childhood.

"y'know that you are just that?" he began, looking down at her. she looked up at him with creased eyebrows. "you bloomed when the world believed that you shouldn't have. it would have been expected for you to hate or curse the world. but you still held and hold deep love for it. you bloomed when you were going through the hardest times of you life with your parents. you've stayed blooming despite it all. despite your rocky relationships with your parents, despite you shutting out your dad last year, despite whatever the world throws at you." he said as his hazel eyes found her brown.

"my romashka." he repeated, and she nodded. "you are my joy and my calm in the storm. you are my chamomille- despite that being the cheesiest thing I've ever said out loud before, but its true. you are my chamomile, my cammie." he said with a smile on his face. tears pricked her eyes, and she leaned up with kiss him. her arms wrapped around his neck, as he pulled her in closer by the waist. "my romashka." he whispered once more, before the two headed back into her bedroom.

[chillingwithtavesss]

Alright, so obviously we were wrong about Austin and the Canada trip. That's fine. I will hold my hands up and say I was wrong. But I also didn't need to go to someone's random TikTok and ask for the video, but hey shippers are another level of crazy. Cause it was a shipper who asked her to post the video of Austin and Kaia. They just wanted to prove everyone wrong. Whatever.

Either way, Austin and Kaia have not been seen together in over a month. They've both been in NY at the same time, and nothing. One of those times, Kaia was with Marcello. This new video from last month changes nothing. Kaia was still all over another guy that wasn't her boyfriend. Because a break up hasn't been announced. Rumored, yes. But nothing confirmed. So even if they're broken up behind the scenes, to the public they are still an item. Those pics make Kaia look bad. Her team has done nothing to help her either.

I don't know the exact timeline of when Austin did go to Canada. It was either before his birthday or after. But regardless, that was a month ago. Also doesn't mean it was a happy trip with him and Kaia. They've been having problems for a while. It's naive to think they weren't. I believe a break up has been on Austin's mind for some time.

I do have a theory that they might've taken a break after her book event in July. You could cut the tension between them with a knife that night. It was bad. I'm wondering if they decided to take some time apart. Austin said "Go to Paris and we'll talk when you get back" kind of thing. I did notice how down Kaia seemed in Paris. That's also when people started to notice her rapid weight loss. I can imagine the stress of your relationship being on the rocks would cause that. They were spotted together after she got back. So I guess they decided to work things out, so to speak. Then he went to Canada at some point.

I personally believe they did break up after that trip. I could see it as Austin trying one last time to see if things would be different. I don't think they were. So he broke up with her around her birthday. Kaia hasn't cleared up the shady insta post either. It seemed fresh and she was mad. So maybe Kaia thought things were better when he came to Canada. But I could also see it as he didn't want to ruin the trip either. Couple can break up at anytime.

Again, a lot had happened since the Canada trip. He missed her birthday. My theory, he dumped her. She was all over another guy. There have never been break up rumors like this around them before. The media doesn't care enough about them to randomly make up stories like a break up. The L&S articles aren't random.

I agree with everything here !

Something definitely happened after the Canada trip. The shippers are a bunch of annoying , desperate wanna be Kaia weirdos.I have no God given idea on what they thought the Canada trip was going to prove. Kaia was still on her knees in front of Marcello looking sloppy.

[lukolabrainrot]

Part 1:  I have a new theory on where L&N are at.  I’m prefacing this by saying this is all my opinion, just a new interpretation of what was publicly shown. Also, imagine me starting all my sentences below with “I think…”

I will start with Brazil – L&N have a serious chat here, but nothing physically happened; just outlined what he needs to do next, but they are finally on the same page. That’s why they’re so happy there.  L then sent a message to A that they need to talk when he goes home.

A, during Brazil, chopped her hair, posted stories in L’s apartment, got babysat by R, S, Amber and Carla.

New interpretation of A shenanigans: I always thought that the IG stories of her chopped hair plus L’s apartment looked smug to me. Before, I thought it was a message to fans reminding us that Lukola can’t be real because she exists. But what if those were messages to L implying that he can’t drop her that easily because she had access to his house and his friends. It could be possible that she herself arranged the outings with his friends, instead of him arranging babysitting duties.

During the 2-week break before Toronto, what people thought of as Luke’s apology tour with A (i.e. liking back her IG posts from July) was damage control for him and N. L actually breaks up with A during this period but he has to agree to certain conditions from A. Agreement could include helping her SM following, bringing her to events for networking (especially those that were already planned before the break up), her own membership to Soho, etc.

Why? A could easily throw a homewrecker narrative against N. It is easy to conceive that there was an overlap between her and N but even if there was none. A will have no trouble selling that narrative especially since we saw what we saw with those two in the WT, plus there are already homewrecker rumblings against N for L&J relationship. A friend pointed out as well, that if A is truly manipulative, she could use her age and naivete, implying that she was patiently and quietly waiting on the sidelines while L fulfils his PR responsibilities. She doesn’t even have to outright lie, but even a short statement with cheating implications can do damage to N.

Toronto – L&N became a couple officially. We’ve seen their interviews, so I won’t spend too much time here but in Toronto they were hubby-wife coded not even BF-GF. N posted Louvre while in Toronto as well. Lyrics “Our days and nights are perfumed with obsession. Half of my wardrobe is on your bedroom floor.”

https://www.popsongprofessor.com/blog/2017/6/16/what-does-the-louvre-by-lorde-mean

Ireland – again, we saw what we saw, but I will stress that what happened here is what N meant when she said, ‘I can be boss bitch lady at work but when I’m home, I’m baby here’ and L rose to the occasion.

London - differing opinions on London vibes up to premiere. My new take: both are sad that their bubble is ending. N looked like she’s bracing herself and maybe withdrawing because while they can continue privately, she knows L still needs to do some work to fully disengage with A. L is reaching out more, I think to reassure her that he’s 💯 in and they will be okay.

Redemption song – I’ll be honest, this stumped me a bit. I focused on these lyrics: There’s no time for crying, only time for trying now.  But I also think that this is N reassuring L, that even if their plans fall flat this time around, he only needs to try again, and she will fall again.

Pap walk – L brought A in the premiere as part of agreement but he never intended to get papped (maybe just the same level of public showing, very much on the down low, as NY premiere). Neither L nor A arranged that but A took advantage of the situation in the hotel. Thus, the 🦀 walk. She effectively prolonged her stay because it established her presence in the GA not just fandom. I don’t think L knew that they got papped until the DM posts came out.

So L, possibly with advice from PR team this time, has to pretend to still be in a relationship with A until he can “break up” with her with no or minimal damage to him and especially N. So, we mostly get group trips, we get awkward photos that eventually get leaked to the public, A’s attempts to ride on N’s coattails, etc. I think they have agreed on the date when they will “publicly” break up; it is possible that it’s before S4 filming.

So that’s the gist.  I will send a Part 2 with the list of items that I think will be raised.

Ok this will be posted in 4 parts. Anon, I just have to say, I'm LOVING your theories! I don't agree with EVERYTHING, but a lot of this aligns with my thoughts that I have shared on the blog, and it is TOTALLY feeding my delulu rn! 😍

What are everyone else's thoughts??

[demigodsanswer]

what is Annabeth's career timeline in tuap? We know she did Sugar Plum at 17 but when did she do other things?

It's honestly about time I wrote this out even for myself. I will say, she only has two major injuries in her career between being pulled into the company and tuap, which will be mentioned here. But it's safe to assume she has a few sprains, pulled muscles, and other things that occasionally have her pulled from shows here and there.

I also am always discovering new ballets and coming up with new ideas for her career. So I can't promise everything is 100% in line with certain things in the fic, but hey, if Rick can do [gestures broadly] I can mess with her career timeline.

Also, the ballet season is similar to a school year -- September through June, with layoffs in the summer, but NYCB also usually does a three-week season in Saratoga, NY.

Sixteen: She's pulled into the company in late October and starts rehearsal for part scene grandma, party scene doll, Snow, and Flowers. She has to do every single show. And she does a great job and has a lot of fun. Doing Doll is especially fun because it's a really early feature for her. It's a short solo, but it always reminds her of the Doll on a Music Box scene from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

That winter, she starts learning corps roles for all the major Balanchine ballets on the schedule, including Serenade, which is an all-time favorite for her. She also learns the corps of Theme and Variation, Divertismento 15, and Walpurgisnacht. She also gets to be one of the friends in Copellia, her first big non-Nutcracker story ballet with the company.

Spring continues that patterns. She gets to understudy the Divertisment for Midsummer Night's Dream as well, although she doesn't get to dance it.

At the end of spring season, she gets her corps contract.

Seventeen: In the fall, she just keeps learning corps parts. She does the corps of Swan Lake for the first time. She's just standing there with her arms up, day dreaming about being the lead. She thinks she'd be very good as the lead.

Nutcracker season this year is huge for her. She debuts Sugar Plum for the first time, and this is really, really remarkable. One of the really remarkable things about this is she does everything out of order. Usually you get pulled for a divert, like Marzipan lead or Arabian, or Spanish lead first. Then you do Dew Drop (the other Principal part), and then you do Sugar. But she jumped right to Sugar. I think Chiron just knew she was perfect for Sugar and didn't want to wait another season or two to see her do it. She gets stunning reviews and everyone kind of knows at that point she's going to be a principal one day.

This season is also when she starts doing Mari corps and Spanish corps, so there's a little more variation in her schedule. She's not just Snow and Flowers, although she is still doing that. And Doll and Grandma. She does Spanish Corps withe Beck and that's the first time they dance on stage together.

Winter season starts strong. She's feeling absolutely awesome. She gets pulled to do Romeo and Juliet balcony scene with Beck. They do two shows, it's amazing. And then she suffers a stress fracture in her foot and is out for the season. This is devastating for her. She's a little convinced her career is over. She takes the rest of the season to heal, and when she comes back in Spring, she doesn't get any major solos. She gets one role in the Emeralds Pas de Tres. And that's it.

Eighteen: She starts fall strong. She gets cast as the ballerina in Balanchine's La Valse (this is such a cool ballet, check it out!), and this is her first principal role outside of Nutcracker. It really shows off her ability to create character. And sweet little eighteen year old Annabeth plays it so well. She really gives everything to this part. Her musicality and acting really shine.

For Nutcracker, she's still doing Snow and Flowers and Doll, but she finally doesn't need to do grandma anymore. She learns Marzi lead too. She's still doing Marzi corps and Spanish coprs as well. She also debuts Dew Drop this year. For the entirety of her career, no one ever really thinks of Dew Drop as "her role," but she does really love her Dew Drop, and her die hard fans love to see it on her schedule.

Winter is Sleeping Beauty. She's so so sure she's going to be pulled to learn it as an alternate. And then she's not. Instead, she's in the corps doing the garland waltz and vision scene. She's honestly so mad. She knows she'd be a perfect Aurora. She's writing in her journal like "Look at my curls! These are princess curls!!"

Chiron does have her understudy just about every prologue fairy and every act three divert. And thank goodness she was paying attention, because she gets pulled to do The White Cat for four straight shows. She gives this everything. She plays with her musical accents and her cat mannerisms. And it pays off. Chiron promises her that next time they do it, she'll be Aurora.

Spring comes around and Chiron casts her as Liberty Bell in Stars and Stripes, another major principal role for her. Reviewers agree, she is as sweet as Apple Pie. This really shows off her musical wit.

Annabeth is sure she's going to be promoted to soloist at the end of this year. But instead Chiron just tells her: "Not yet." She was about to cry, when he told her he was casting her as Juliet in his new Romeo and Juliet. "Your promotion is coming, but next year, I need you to be focused on Juliet and learning as many other ballets as you can so you can pass on all of this choreography one day."

That summer she does Liberty Bell in Saratoga as well.

Nineteen:

She gets very few new soloist or principal roles this year because most of her rehearsal time is Chiron choreographing on her. She's having an amazing time.

But this Nutcracker year is brutal. Because she's still in the corps, she needs to do 26 shows. But this year so many women who do Marzi lead and corps are injured. She ends up doing about 15 Marzi leads, 10 Marzi corps, plus a like 26 snows, a handful of flowers, some Spanish corps. She also learns Spanish lead this year, but she doesn't do it. Plus Dew Drop and Sugar. She ends up dancing like 33 shows after covering so many people. She dances the most of anyone save for the apprentices. All the while, most of her rehearsals are R&J.

There's one day, a few weeks into the season, she's practicing gargouillade's after company class, because she's really not happy with how hers look, but they are featured prominently in Marzi lead. And she just hates the way her legs look, and she feels like garbage. And she goes and lays on the ground on the side. Helen comes over and asks what's wrong. And poor Annabeth has tears in her eyes, and says something about gargouillades, and Helen just says: "Annabeth, no one knows how to do a fucking gargouillade, just jump up, kick your little legs around, and it'll be fine. The audience doesn't know what they're looking at anyway."

She counts this as some of the most important advice she's ever gotten, and she will, one day, say the same thing to her daughter in the middle of her own Nutcracker breakdown.

Chiron gives her a light Winter season, just ballets she's done before, no new Principal or soloist debuts, so she can focus on Juliet.

Juliet premieres in the Spring and it's a smash hit. She and Beck are promoted to soloist. Chiron was thinking about just promoting them straight to principal, but he decided to make them pay their dues just a little more.

Twenty:

This is the year her mental health really starts to take a dive.

She gets some decent soloist parts, but nothing too major. She learns Demiflowers for Nutcracker, and she gets to be Marzi lead in the Nutcracker recording.

Annabeth mostly feels like she's being asked to wait for her promotion, and she's never been terribly patient.

She does Juliet at Saratoga and the Kennedy Center this year. She gets good reviews, but she's just waiting for her promotion.

Spring does bring one major debut, the one she's been waiting for: Russian Girl in Serenade. This becomes one of her signature parts, and is one of those things she dances on her own whenever she's feeling sad. She counts this debut as holding back her complete breakdown a few more months.

She gets promoted in the middle of spring season this year.

Twenty-one:

Her mental health tanks so bad during that fall's run of Swan Lake she thinks about changing her name to Natalie Portman. Thankfully, Lee Fletcher is her dance partner, see's she's suffering and goes "Do you want to go see Wicked? My husband in Boq in Wicked, lets go!" And she cries so hard during Thank Goodness she thinks she's going to have to leave the theater. Thankfully, Lee pushes her to see a therapist and get medicated. Things start to turn up from here.

But Swan Lake reviews aren't great. They aren't terrible, but they aren't what anyone expected from her. Her performances aren't what anyone expected from her. Reviews agree: her white swan was pretty, but she seemed more mentally unstable than beautifully melancholic, and her black swan had a nice musicality, but lacked any of the sexy, flirtation associated with the role.

Thankfully, Chiron gives her another chance at the Kennedy Center that Winter, and she gives much stronger performances now that she's a little more stable than she was.

(This is also when she starts wearing contacts because she properly cannot see anymore).

Now that she's a Principal, Nutcracker is nice. She's doing Hostess, Marzi lead, Dew, and Sugar.

That winter she also debuts Allegro Brilliante with Lee, she does Diamonds Pas for the first time as well. She also does Yellow girl in Dances at a Gathering with Beck for the first time.

That Spring, she and Beck do Hellena and Demetrius in Midsummer, and Slaughter on Tenth Ave.

Twenty-two:

She keeps debuting lots of Balanchine and Jerome Robin's ballets as the principal, including Divertismento 15, Theme and Variation, Firebird, and On the Town. Lee and Beck are her consistent partners.

Fall season brings her debut of Swanilda in Coppelia. This gets great reviews and people start to realize that she can do more than just play tragic characters. She's got a great sense of humor to her. This is another role that, like Dew Drop, people don't really associate with her, but that she loves to do, and people who see her do it love her in it.

This is also Fred's favorite ballet to see her dance. It makes him laugh every time to see her act like a doll. He likes the story a lot.

Twenty-three

The big role for her here is Kitri. It's the first time NYCB is doing the classical Don Q, and she really really wants to be Kitri. She thinks she's a shoo-in, because it's a big classical story ballet, but when she looks at the schedule, she sees she's scheduled to learn Kitri, but also Mercedes and Cupid. If she was going to do it, she wouldn't be rehearsing other roles.

But she stands there, in the back, and learns. And when Chiron wants to see it, she gives fucking everything to that act one variation. She's fun, she's flirty, she kicks her legs higher than she knew she could go. She's hitting fifth on her turns and staying clean on the music. And at the end she gets that Chiron Bruner: "Good." And she knows she in.

The next day, she gets her own cast and is pulled from Mercedes and Cupid (her Cupid spot goes to coprs de ballet member Piper McLearn, who gets pulled to soloist after it).

She does have two falls during Don Q, which is such a shame, because she otherwise really loves those performances. The first isn't her fault. The tape that holds the marley pulled up off the stage, and after her act one solo she tripped on it running off, and fell into the wings. Not all of the audience saw this though. The next night, she went to land a tour jete, and totally face planted. That one hurt, but she got up again. That's probably her worst on-stage fall of her career. For her third show, Chiron came up to her and asked if she had rosined her shoes.

Twenty-four

Another Swan Lake in the Winter. This one gets amazing reviews, and people really see the ways she's come into her own as a young dancer.

Otherwise, more debuts, maybe has some more new work choreographed on her (I am far from a choreographer so this is beyond the capacities of my imagination)

This is also when Lee retires. He asks Chiron to cast Annabeth as his partner in Allegro Brilliante, because he did her first principal with her, so he wants her to do his last principal role with him. Annabeth gets through the ballet okay, but as soon as it's over, she's a weeping mess. Video of this moment occasionally resurfaces.

Twenty-five

The Fall brings more Coppelia, which she's happy about. She feels like she's got a routine now. She's debuted so many things, she knows so much of the rep. She's killing it. Nutcracker season is great. She's planning her wedding. Winter is great, uneventful.

She gets cast in Diamonds in the Spring with a promising young soloist.

~

And that's where I'll end this post. Maybe I'll do her post-tuap career later. But this was long enough.

For those interested, John Clifford uploads a lot of archival footage of Balanchine ballets to youtube. This footage is often very old, but it's a valuable resource if you want to see certain pieces.