#just some personal stuff

[jellys-compendium]

My parents are back from their trip overseas and it was so nice to just sit with them, make a nice breakfast and chat about their travels. Gossiping and laughing about all the goings-on in their childhood towns was a delight.

I'm going to be seeing a good friend this afternoon before she moves across the country. I'm bummed about her moving but it won't be the first time we're on opposite sides of the country. We always keep in touch. I'm excited to see her though and I'm glad I'll be able to spend some time with her before she goes.

Back to the grind next week, so gonna savour this weekend as much as I can.

[the-lovely-planet-earth]

i distance myself from people and then wonder why i feel so lonely

[basilone]

I have unfortunately landed on this side of hypomanic, so I will be taking a little time for myself here. 💚

[teableeds]

Before I went to law school (circa fall 2019) I wrote a short story in which my choices for career were represented by lovers. Last night I felt compelled to write a poem as a sequel.

Soon, I'll Marry Soon (Fall 2019)

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve had no difficulty making up my mind. If I wanted to do something, I’d do it, no second thoughts. So when I fell in love, I threw myself into it, starry-eyed and open-hearted.

I met him in college, but he’d been around a lot longer. I dated a couple of guys casually, not really serious about any of them, always thinking “perhaps, but let’s wait”. I’d seen him around campus before, and he looked familiar. My parents later told me that we knew each other as children, but I was so young that I’d forgotten. They said we used to play together, and said that we’d get married someday. But he left, moved away, and I being such a child, his face left my memory.

I met him in a class that I had taken on a whim, on the vague suggestion of a friend who knew me better than I did. We didn’t get along at first. We didn’t understand each other. But then we were paired for one of those dreaded group projects, and I was forced to think of him outside of class. We spent long nights together in the library; I began to see something that I had never expected to. He kept surprising me. He always seemed so dull and logical, so academic and lifeless, stuck among dusty books and research articles. But when it was quiet, he would say something that struck me off guard. He’d make me laugh. He’d grab my interest with a story, and I’d be helpless until I knew the conclusion. I’d hardly noticed when the morning sun crept in through the upper story windows, the assignment lay forgotten on the table, myself captivated by concepts that had never piqued my interest before.

My professor would never say that I was her favorite, but everyone knew. So when I went to talk with her about my grades one afternoon, she surprised me with a question: “Do you love him?” I had never thought of it before. I stammered out a reply. “Perhaps.” The word was so practiced, so natural, I thought it would be sufficient. But she leaned across the desk and stared at me, studying me in a way that made me shiver to my core. “Give it some thought.” That’s all she said on the matter, then told me how to get some extra credit. She told me to work with him on another assignment.

By the end of the semester, we were official. He loudly proclaimed to anyone who cared to listen that he loved me – I would always laugh and agree. We were perfect. My parents loved him. My friends didn’t get it; they thought he was as boring as dust, but they saw how happy he made me. So when he proposed at the end of my junior year, I accepted without hesitation and began making plans.

But that’s only half of the story. Because while I was busy falling in love, I went places that my fiancé wouldn’t follow. Not bad places, mind you, just places he didn’t like. I got introduced to someone, quite by accident. He was a ridiculous man. I met him at a theater night.

Dragged by the hand of a mutual friend, I was thrown into the middle of a chaotic scene, buzzing with false identities and fictitious emotions. He was on stage, caught in a confession of murder, his mind working to find his alibi. His head turned, and I caught his attention. He caught my hand, pulling me up on stage. I was thrown into a world I had never experienced firsthand. I had to quickly learn how to play the part of a prop, the woman he loved so much that he killed my former lover, another actor who lay on the carpet, slain by an invisible sword. My confusion lasted only moments, as the scene ended and they all left the stage. I was intrigued more than anything, unsure how to react, unsure whether I’d ever return to such a place. But I did return, every week, eagerly awaiting the next performance, wondering when I might next be pulled into the act. Then I learned that I could initiate it myself, and suddenly it was me dragging this poor boy from his place in the audience. Each scene was more ridiculous than the last; we got drunk on laughter and applause. It wasn’t my fiancé’s thing.

The day of the wedding kept approaching, and I heard voices on every side making suggestions. They all wanted me to move to this city, to book this venue, to buy these flowers. Eventually, the noise became grey, and I answered them all with a laugh and a smile and an “I’ll keep it in mind!” My fiancé asked me if I had bought my dress. I lied.

The venue remained un-booked. The flowers un-arranged. The plans un-made. His calls un-answered.

He was understanding. Everyone was. “It’s a big decision!” They said, like parrots chattering in a rainforest. “Take your time! Take your time!” And then, inevitably: “But really, what ARE you going to do?”

What I did was I ran. I stopped answering phone calls. I cried. A lot. I lived alone. Sometimes I’d see my fiancé, and I’d be reminded of how much I loved him, and I’d tell him and anyone who would listen “Yes, yes, we will marry! Not yet, my love, but soon! I’m making plans!” I couldn’t make myself dinner. My stomach was always sour.

Sometimes I’d see that ridiculous man from the theater. He wasn’t as predictable as my fiancé. He was the type to call you. But when he did call, it was always to go on some fantastical adventure! He didn’t come around often. When he did, I would have to rearrange my entire schedule, sometimes for weeks at a time, to accommodate his schemes. I didn’t mind. I never did. I didn’t need liquor when he was around. He was my best friend.

I admitted once to my mother, after one too many glasses of wine, that I’d considered marrying the actor. She wasn’t thrilled. “How will you support yourself?” She had a good point. “Can’t you just stay friends and have your adventures, but settle down with more reasonable expectations?” She was right. She usually was.

My fiancé called me, and I answered. His voice was firm. “I won’t be a second choice.” You shouldn’t be, I told him. And I knew it. If I married my fiancé, I might lose my best friend. Perhaps not forever, but suddenly I’d have to ask a husband to rearrange his life to suit an actor’s fancy. I repeated the phrase that I had rehearsed so often. “I love you! We will marry! Soon, soon, I swear it!”

It’s not unusual to cry on the kitchen floor. Who am I? What was I doing? What did I want? How was I going to get it? A gasping breath and an unanswered phone call.

A Long Engagement (June 13, 2023)

It's been a long engagement. Isn't the ring lovely? People gawk and gasp and declare that it's lovely. It's been a long engagement.

He's handsome - they tell me I picked wisely. So much better than the deadbeat who had no prospects. I still look at his portrait in secret. And I smile. Beyond my grasp, he was never a real choice. But, oh, was he handsome. My fiance is handsome, too. They tell me that he's handsome.

He speaks softly to me. And loudly to everyone else. He's intimidating and austere. Respectable. He speaks softly. He tells me I'm not good enough. He says it so softly.

I told my family what he said to me. I told them how it hurt. They assured me I was good enough. That he didn't mean it. I wasn't hurt that he said it. It hurt that it was true. And he was the first to tell me. I told my family that he told the truth.

I don't know where I stand with him. Locked in, vows prepared. Are we married yet? No, not yet. Another step. Another hurdle. Not real until. Until. Until. Standing on shifting sands. I don't know how long I can stand.

He'll take care of you. That's what they told me. A string of ex-lovers in poverty. And I'll be taken care of? Have some scraps. Care is for the pretty ones. Not you. He won't take care of me.

I think of the singer's gentle voice. I remember the actor's touch. I mourn for the lover I never had. Sometimes I hold this man and pretend. His voice is also gentle.

It's been a long engagement. Let's have a summer wedding. An autumn wedding. Winter wedding. Spring. It's a never-ending engagement.

[dianaraven]

I know I'm preaching to the choir, but....

My uncle, a man squarely in the Boomer generation, has recently begun to lose his mental and physical faculties. He is a three times divorced deadbeat dad who was the (quote-unquote) dumbest of his two brothers (the one who worked at IBM in its infancy, and the rocket scientist, while he was a ho-hum pilot and business strategist).

I was, apparently, lucky growing up without a male-entitled baby-boomer influence in my life. I met him for the first time in my late teens, and had knowledge of his existence for most of my life (we moved to where he lived, and broke the 25 year radio silence he had with my family).

He broke his leg in a horrible fall two months ago. After a month and a half of rehab, he was sent home and proceeded to return to the hospital for various ailments three separate times in the following week, including (but not limited to) falling and cracking his head open. He cannot live alone anymore, and so after a week of the hospital taking care of him we finally found him a social worker and nursing home.

After 26 hours in the home, he called us and informed us he is leaving and coming to stay with us instead.

There, of course, is a reason we told him that if he leaves, he will return to his previous apartment and we will break contact with him again until he apologizes.

I had never met anyone entitled before meeting him. I hate using the word, because of what the internet has turned it into, but there is no other descriptor. He is the "classic" internet boomer. He has no concept of other the existence of peoples' rich and deep interior lives. Everyone exists to serve him in some way, and anyone who won't "hates him through no fault of [his] own." People are "poisoned" against him, and he is a poor, old man who is shunned by everyone. (Gag).

If you refuse to accept blame in any aspect of your life, even after someone has communicated to you a fault that they perceive, you will be alone. And while I understand his mindset, I refuse to sympathize with him.

If you refuse the help I have offered to you, then I will not offer more. There are no other choices.

[babyboybokuto]

Relationships are hard :/

[mamawasatesttube]

BTW... PSA.... even if we arent mutuals if youre in my notes regularly theres a Very high chance i am still fond of you. yes im vaguing someones tags on the compliment the person u rbed this from post. but like. positive vaguing? THE POINT IS im weird abt following ppl but IM STILL SENDING U FOND VIBES...

[mofroggery]

some sticker designs i made for a school event! yippey :-)

[sunshinesyrup]

These past two months have been some of the most difficult of my entire life. I've had to let a lot go. I've also had to realize I became someone I never wanted to be. It happened slowly, I think, at first. Then one day it hit me that I didn't like who I was very much. I didn't recognize myself. Some days I still don't.

So I made some changes. Deleted pretty much all of my social media, changed my mindset, trying to keep away all of the negativity, focus on what matters to me and what I can control. I'm trying to keep the hope I used to have, the love I used to have for the world. It's hard to hold onto, but I guess when it's the hardest is also when it's the most important to keep.

I'm trying to accept the mistakes that I made. I'm trying to be gentle with myself about it, but truthfully I'm constantly beating myself up over them. I don't think I'll ever really forgive myself. But I'm trying to be better every day and find a way to cope with it.

I'm not necessarily trying to be who I was before, because I don't think I can ever be her again. She didn't know the things I know now, didn't experience it yet. I've changed. Sometimes it feels like there's a heavy cloud in my head at all times. But I want to change, I want the clouds to part and feel the sun again. I want to hope again. I want to trust again. I hope I'll get back there.

[z00r0p4]

sometimes a little hard-won peace is laced with some sadness and regret but that's okay I think.

[bixels]

I watched Starship Troopers tonight.

[cyandocs]

17th Century Gaydar

With @canisalbus's characters Vasco and his QPR wife Ludovica. Consider this a Headcanon but I imagined they were likely set up as like, teens- maybe not fully arranged marriage, but marriage was heavily implied with their courtship. So here I imagine them as like 15/16 which is why they're kind of smaller and scruffier, as well as having their outfit colors a little lightened. Also Ludovica in cute ear bows moment. I THINK this is my first more or less official online artist fan art??? I hope I did them justice.

*edit forgot to color in Vascos hands consistently my bad **EDIT I CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO POST ART WITHOUT FORGETTING SOMETHING

[cryptcatz]

question: do ppl ACTUALLY say things they don’t mean when they’re angry? or is that just an excuse after letting something true slip? i wouldn’t ever say something i don’t mean in anger, so the concept confuses me.

but something was said to me that is bothering me, though apparently was said in an argument and wasn’t meant. but i don’t rlly believe it wasn’t like, deep down true thoughts/feelings??? anyone have any insight? anyone say things they don’t mean in anger?

EDIT: this was a hastily worded post that i didn’t expect to get notes. this is a genuine question asked in good faith that i got a lot of amazing answers to!

also re: the many ppl saying “OP is lying about not saying things they don’t mean in anger because everyone does it”— i genuinely have never done that. if i say something mean while angry, i meant it. that’s literally why i asked this question and why the concept confuses me, because i wouldn’t do something like that so i wanted perspective from people who do it. idk why y’all can’t believe that lmao not everyone is as prone to anger and outbursts

[azuneekun]

STARDEW VALLEY BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE (personal) HEADCANONS:

Maru

Is a registered nurse, but is working to become a medicinal and environmental researcher like her father (Professor Demetrius).

Robotics, Electrical engineering and Astronomy are just a few of her hobbies and passions. 

Afraid of getting real piercings, so Sebastian gifted her clip-ons.

Doesn’t trust newer computers, unlike her brother.

She is nearsighted and has astigmatism.

She goes stargazing in hopes of finding signs of extraterrestrial life. Or just to see if she can spot a certain flying robot.

Used to follow her brother Sebastian around a lot when she was very young, but his troublemaking behavior made Maru distance herself. She still cares about him.

Loves helping the farmer with building farming machines.

Loves spending time with her best friend Penny and talking about books and trivia together.

Other than tinkering with gadgets, she also enjoys doing puzzles.

Penny

Could not afford finishing her teaching course in college due to financial troubles.

Saving up money in her tutoring job to become an elementary school teacher.

Her father abandoned them due to feeling ‘trapped’. It happened around fall—so she feels melancholic during that season.

Likes cooking but is a novice at it.

She and Emily do arts and crafts together in the library and or the (fixed) community center. (For the kids and for event decorations.)

She has a slight southern accent.

Elliott and her like to swap book recommendations.

Loves listening to Maru infodumping about her trivia and interests. She teaches them to Jas and Vincent in return.

She likes to do crossword puzzles under the tree near the graveyard.

She prefers to wear skirts.

She influenced Jas and Vincent to have an interest in archeology, thanks to her own fondness of it.

Abigail

Pets every animal they see. Sanitizes herself right away before going home due to Pierre's allergies.

Sometimes helps her dad with the general store. Pierre gives her some money in return.

Abigail loves to draw and sometimes likes to join art competitions.

Enjoys the occult and fortune telling. Has some magical ability, but is not fully aware of it.

She plays the flute and the drums.

Loves adventuring, but feels guilty killing monsters (even out of self defense). Will make graves or offer prayers to put their souls to rest.

Very interested in monsters and loves reading about them.

She has a sweet tooth; minerals taste like candy to her. She also loves spicy food from time to time.

Gets sunburnt easily.

Leah

Used to be hired as an illustrator for books in Zuzu City.

Is under apprenticeship with Robin.

Loves using different painting mediums. Current favorites are charcoal, oil painting, and watercolors.

Experienced forager—she adores making vegetable/fruit salads and stir-frys out of them.

Likes to drink the wine sold by the farmer and the saloon.

She is left handed.

She makes her own special homemade vinaigrette.

Has her own mini-garden.

Loves to help the farmer with crafting artisan equipment that involves wood (eg: kegs, preserve jars, casks, and etc.)

Emily

The unofficial hair stylist (and barberess) of the townies. (HC adopted from @/moon-boat)

Has some real spiritual power and foresight.

Her prophetic visions mostly appear in her dreams.

Knows supernatural beings and Junimo exist (and has seen them) but opts not to tell anyone directly for the creatures’ safety. (Likes to give subtle hints, though.)

Can genuinely communicate with birds and flowers.

Is very good at arts and crafts and helps decorate the festivals often.

Vegetarian. Likes to cook vegetarian dishes.

She's a very talented dancer, and she likes to do her choreography in secret.

Sandy sells the clothes she makes. Haley advertises them on her blog. 

Loves all animals—especially birds.

She likes clowns and circuses.

Is very meticulous about cleanliness and housework.

Is incredibly scared of watching horror movies.

Haley

A talented cook that loves baking sweets.

Is a social media influencer. She has a popular Instagram account called StarfruitHaley and a Youtube channel named Cooking Junimo.

Likes drinking peppermint coffee and eating cupcakes.

She is a picky eater.

Learned to dance from Emily.

She and Emily are taiwanese-americans.

Her hair is dyed blonde and she wears contacts.

Freelance model, but likes doing photography more.

Does photography gigs sometimes.

Secretly admires her sister's dancing, but doesn't want to lose to her during the Flower dance.

Likes to go surfing during the summer time. (HC adopted from @/sofiaruelle )

Closeted lesbian, but came out proudly once she started to live in the valley.

Bunnies and Ponies are her favorite animals.

Shane

Prefers keeping people at a distance (so it doesn’t hurt him if he loses them), but is weak to persistent people. (eg: Emily, Sam, the farmer)

Is very good friends with Emily. Likes to joke around and share chicken stories with her. 

Lost a sports scholarship in university due to injury, so he dropped out. (He took a course in multimedia arts, hence his 7 ♡ event.)

Likes to collect funny printed boxers.

Wears old clothes until they tear apart.

Doesn't bother combing his hair much.

Takes care of the animals when Marnie's not around, and teaches Jas about the ranch while he’s at it. 

Most of his savings are for Jas and Marnie.

Has calloused hands from hard work.

He likes to use nicknames. Both derogatively and affectionately. (e.g. Sweetheart, Chickadee, Doll, Buddy , Asshole, Jockstrap (Alex specific), Dickhead, Kid)

Shane has excellent upper body strength due to lifting heavy boxes at work, and sacks of feed at the ranch.

Jas’ mother is his older sibling. Marnie is his father's younger sister.

In the future, his beautiful blue chickens will become recognized as a standardized breed by the farming community. 

Harvey

Used to be a surgical oncologist. Left this position due to emotional distress.

Came from a prestigious family of doctors, lawyers, and professors.

Has a twin brother. ( HC adopted from @/coinly )

Loves science, history, and the documentary channels.

He used to be in a long term relationship but it ended due to LDR.

He can cook but doesn't feel happy eating by himself—so he just heats up frozen meals.

He smells like nice soap and hand sanitizer.

Has a wonderful singing deep voice. (HC adopted from @/hannahstumble )

Likes to drink wine every once in a while to relax.

Jazz music is calming to him. He owns many cassettes of the classics.

Elliott

Was a music professor in a private university.

Is from a wealthy family, but left to become more independent.

Humble and isn't very materialistic, but is very strict with his well-kept appearance. 

Keeps his pencils so sharp it might as well be a weapon.

Isn't very good at taking care of plants, but is learning how to. 

A little clumsy with housework and repairs, but tries to keep tidy.

His favorite pastime with his father was fishing. 

Likes to drink, but can’t hold his liquor at all.

 In his youth, he has gotten some recognition for his published short stories and poetry, but  has yet to make a full length novel.

Commissions and collaborates with Leah on art and ideas for his books.

His piano actually came from Robin's. Sebastian used to own it but preferred playing the synth now.

Sebastian

Is very skillfull at using a knife (for fish and seafood).

He is a lazy genius. 

His Korean name is Seojun. His biological father tried bringing him to his home country when he and Robin divorced, but Sebastian opted to stay with his mother.

He loves cats as much as frogs and bats.

Sleeps very messily. Ends up in weird positions on the bed, with pillows dropped onto the floor.

Loves exploring the mines and wants to join the Adventurer's guild in the future.

Does his (and his friends') piercings.

Has a long deep scar on his left leg due to a rock crab.

The town go-to mechanic, alongside Maru.

He’s jealous of Maru, but doesn’t hate her. Doesn’t know how to express himself, so they end up fighting. He thinks he’s not the best older brother to have.

Insomniac. Needs medication to help sleep, sometimes.

Likes to tease and scare people.

Also gets sunburnt easily—but in return doesn’t get affected by the cold weather as much.

Best billiards player in Stardew.

Alex

Has dyslexia, but is not aware of it (until the farmer points it out).

Likes to help cook with his grandma.

Makes and sells his own icecream.

Is the local town mailman.  (HC adopted from @/ryllen )

Childhood friends with Haley, but pretended to be her boyfriend in HS to shield her from men (as per her wishes).

Not only was he a varsity quarterback for gridball, but he was also an ace baseball player.

One of his favorite pastimes is watching the gridball game every Sunday.

Thinking about saving money to go to a vocational college or getting a scholarship. 

Interested in becoming a physical fitness coach if his dreams to go to the league fall through.

Afraid of being vulnerable to people, because he wants to be seen as strong and reliable.

Sam

A popular boy in school. 

Was influenced into loving music due to Sebastian. 

Likes flowers but has severe hay fever.

Has a scar on his eyebrow from a skateboard accident.

Loves his mom's largemouth bass fish casserole.

Thinks being a submarine captain might be cool as a job (thanks to the night market), but would prefer being in the music industry.

Likes to DJ and compose his own music.

A little forgetful, so his wrists and hands are full of scribbles and rubber bands as reminders.

Likes cactuses and the flowers that bloom from it (and especially loves cactus fruit).

Him and Alex both like to collect branded sports shoes, and talk about it together sometimes.

[eriochromatic]

Last minute self indulgent pride illustration featuring my comfort characters and personal headcanons ✨✨✨

[stil-lindigo]

the machine.

a comic about being a 'creator' online.

creative notes: