#kamu writes

[kamuucab]

Okay ngl I resonate with Sun's new voicelines I feel like he'd be such an excellent person to bitch with. Just talk absolute smack about the terrible people you deal with on a day to day basis, do the thing where your customer service facade drops as soon as they turn their back and just call em an asshole. Sharing that "are they serious rn" look. Ribbing each other and bantering back and forth reading each other for filth. I think he'd have snappy and funny as hell comebacks. I think he'd love making whomever he's working with just break down in giggles over his deadpan delivery and sarcastic theatrics, especially if it interferes with their work and makes them stop what they're doing completely to double over with laughter. Those are his proudest moments. Just a right clown that stops you from being as productive as management wants but it's only a little irritating because he's funny as hell and the place you work at sucks.

[awidae0528]

meski aku di hadapanmu sekarang dan kita tersenyum, tertawa, bersenda gurau bersama

aku tahu cara berpikirmu, namun aku tidak rahu apa yang kamu pikirkan mengenai kita

kita akan kembali titik awal, pernyataan pertama saat kita memulai ini

kamu membutuhkanku tapi tidak menginginkanku

kamu menginginkannya, tapi aku tidak tahu kamu membutuhkannya atau tidak

dan ini menyakitkan, berada di dekatmu

[yourbutterbeer]

Membaca catatan-catatan lama itu, kawan, saya bingung mesti rasakan apa. Memang baunya sudah usang, tapi masih terasa manisnya serbuk-serbuk romansa yang mengudara.

Terukir senyum getir.

Mengingat kenyataan bahwa surat-surat ini takkan sampai pada tujuannya. Tak cukup keberanian untuk mengantarnya walau saya tahu betul tak perlu cantumkan nama agar semua rahasia tetap jadi rahasia.

Namun tetap tak ingin.

Apa kata dunia kalau saya berani senekat itu? Apa kata orang-orang? Apa kata teman-teman saya? Apa kata teman-temanmu?

Dan bagaimana dengan 'kita' sendiri?

Rusak, sayang. Segalanya pasti rusak. Jadilah apa yang seadanya saat ini agar terus seperti ini. Sampai bila-bila.

-

Jogjakarta, 24/12/22

[nurulbeysha]

Bosan

"Jika bosan menjadi sebuah alasan meninggalkanku. Jahat sekali, kamu!"

Sejak hari itu, hatiku patah berkeping-keping. Rasa cinta yang telah berbalut dendam. Sakit dan perih meradang tidak kunjung sembuh. Sedangkan kamu? Dengan mudahnya berpaling dan melupakan.

Apa salahku? Kenapa kamu begitu tega menyakitiku? Datang dan membuat api semangatku berkobar kemudian memadamkannya dengan berbagai alasan yang tidak masuk akal. Untuk pertama kalinya, hatiku benar-benar patah. Semangatku dikalahkan oleh rasa sakit yang mendalam. Ambisi belajarku berubah menjadi pasrah. Kobaran api semangat itu benar-benar padam. Impianku kuliah di perguruan tinggi favorit harus kukuburkan dalam-dalam. Begitu lemahnya aku, hanya gara-gara rasa sakit semua impian tak terealisasikan. Di mana aku yang dulu?

"Kamu bodoh kalau sudah cinta!" ucap seseorang lalu duduk tepat di sampingku.

[milaisreading]

hallo!! I really like your writing😆😆

Bisakah kamu membuat reaksi karakter kunci biru jika mereka tahu bahwa CD!yn adalah perempuan? (termasuk dunia 5, BM, Ubers, PXG, JFA, dan dunia.)

Sorry, my english is bad (english is not my first language)😓😓

🌱🩷: So I used Google translate bcs the middle part was written in Indonesian. And as far as I understood, you want me to write how the teams, World 5, and the world might react to Crossdresser!yn being a girl. I hope this was translated correctly. Sure, no problem! Hope u like this🫶🏻

Warnings: Reader uses she/her. Requests are open

⚽️Blue Lock belongs to Muneyuki Kaneshiro and Yusuke Nomura ⚽️

Manshine City:

Chris: So, you are a girl?

CD!Yn: Yep!

Chris: Aha... *looks at Nagi, Reo, and Chigiri*

Chigiri, blushing as he avoided eye-contact with YN: WE DIDN'T KNOW, I SWEAR!

Nagi:...

Reo, trying to keep his cool: This is so embarrassing. Explains why I always thought you were too cute for a boy.

CD!Yn: What?

Chris, pulling her behind him: Stay back from my child!

Reo:...

Chigiri:...

Nagi with his Miffy face: Does that mean I can dress you up as a maid?

Chigiri starts nose bleeding, Reo is scolding him, while Yn tries to leave the place.

Chris: 20 laps around the facility, Nagi!

Ubers:

Snuffy: So, only Barou knew about this?

CD!Yn: Well, him, Isagi, Ego-san, and Teieri-san.

Barou is in the corner getting rinsed by Oliver and Sendou on why he didn't tell them.

Oliver: You mean I might have had a shot?

Sendou: So the whole time I was crushing on a real girl?! *blush intensifies*

Niko had already fainted in another corner while Aryu was uncharacteristically silent as he stared at her.

Snuffy: Lorenzo, keep Yn away from these guys.

Lorenzo, already escorting her out: Let's go and get something to eat

CD!Yn: Ok? Did Aryu just faint?!

BM:

Kaiser: There is no way you are a girl! You are flat!-

Noa ends up bonking him on the head.

CD!Yn: And you have rat hair! *embarrassed*

Noa: And you knew this, Isagi?

Isagi, who was trying his best to calm Kurona down: She told me so during our 2nd selection process.

CD!Yn: True! Yukimiya, you haven't blinked once during this whole ordeal.

Yukimiya, in an attempt to rebuke it blinked once: I did! By the way, we can model together.

Hiori, acting like her bodyguard along with Kunigami and Gagamaru

Gagamaru: We will protect you from unwanted attention!

Kunigmai: Just stay around us.

Hiori: Yes! Don't worry, you are in good hands!

CD!Yn: Thank you!

Ness is meanwhile in a corner, recalling that one time he nearly walked in on Yn showering: AHHH! THIS IS ALL A MESS!

Kurona, after finally calming down: either guy or girl, Yn is still the cutest

Isagi: Very true!

PXG:

Charles: Still would date you!

CD!Yn: Date?! Aren't you disgusted I lied?!

Charles: Nope *pulls her into a hug* I still admire your abilities as a midfielder. Besides, I always had a thing for tall girls!

Yn starts blushing more as Ri and Karasu attempt to pull her away.

Rin, unsure about his own feelings for Yn now: Get off of her, you leach!

Karasu, still trying to comprehend he shared a room with a girl: She has her personal space! Let her go.

Charles: No~

CD!YN: C-calm down everyone!

Shidou is meanwhile excited by the idea that he got beat up by a girl once. Tokimitsu is trying to comprehend everything to the best of his abilities.

Tokimitsu: Girl or not, she is still our captain. Tho, I think she would look really cute in a dress *blushes*

Barcha:

Lavinho, absent-mindedly pats her head: Aha... well, that is quite the surprise you made for us, little lady.

CD!Yn: Yeah, sorry about keeping it a secret.

Otoya, slides next to her and put an arm around her shoulder: So, wanna go out? I know the perfect spot around here

Bachira, pouting and trying to pull Yn away: Get your dirty hands off of her, playboy!

Lavinho: You both leave her alone!

JFA was meanwhile calling Anri and Ego on every phone available. The calls varied either between scolding them for keeping this a secret, or offering to transfer Yn into the female national team.

Ego: Absolutely not! She is not leaving this facility and the JFA can't demand that either.

Anri: Yep! Yep! Besides, we will have now a person more to help with practices!

World 5:

Loki: So you are a girl?

CD!Yn: Yes, you took this surprisingly well.

Loki, blushing a little: Well, it was weirder to me that you showed much more empathy to my situation than the rest. This is very mild.

Pablo and Adam are meanwhile in a corner thinking of ideas to protect her from the boys on her team.

Dada: Don't worry, little lady. We will protect you in case this causes you trouble

CD!Yn: Huh? But I don't need protection-

Luna, pats her on the head: If anyone says anything, we will shut them up. Now, what did you say about your parents forcing you into this?

Pablo: I need addresses and names

Adam: Preferably now

CD!Yn gulps in fear as she saw the dark shadows looming over the World 5.

CD!Yn, thinking: should have kept my mouth shut

The rest of the world was either shocked or not that much surprised. The rest of the week is either spent on trying to figure out how Yn was outperforming the rest, while the other part was arguing over who would be the better boyfriend for her.

[bottle-of-harpoons]

Bruv, this took soo fucking long.

New AU dropping, boys.

So basically it's a hybrid between the 'toxic chain/possessed Kieran' AU and the 'Kieran is Ogerpon' AU.

In this AU, the events of the teal mask play out normally.

After Kieran looses his fight to Julianna, he starts hearing a mysterious voice in his head. It starts playing with his insecurities and telling him he needs to be stronger.

"That's why the oger didn't want you as a trainer. You were too weak".

Thanks to the voices advise and 'encouragement', Kieran quickly rises through the ranks of the Blueberry League and becomes champion. However, he also becomes a massive jackass.

The voice tell him that everyone is beneath him. He starts bullying other club members until the point were everyone is too imtimidated by him to hang out with him.

He is distant and aggressive towards the Elite 4. He doesn't even attend meetings and barley does any of his champion responsibilities, causing Amarys and Crispin to step up. Lacey was too busy helping Cyrano with academic duties. Drayton dedicated all his time to helping out the trainers Kieran bullied.

Kieran started skipping classes and dedicated all his time to training. The only person who still talked to him was Carmine.

However, after months of trying to reach out, Kieran finally snapes at Carmine, causing her to retreat from him. After this, Kieran finally realises he is truly alone. But thats when the voice makes a deal with him.

He could continue living his life alone and unloved or he could dawn the mask and start a new life. Kieran takes the mask, not fully understanding the deal. He ends up loosing his human form and turning into an Ogerpon. It is then that the voice reveals itself as Pecharunt and it steals Kieran human life.

Because of Kieran's shitty behaviour, he suspended from the academy for one month and 'Kieran' is sent back to Kitikami.

Kieran is left roaming around the Terrarium, dealing with the fact that he is now a pokemon and a whole fuck load of self esteem issues.

However, he is eventually found by Carmine and the new exchange student, Julianna.

Some notes in this AU -

Kieran isn't evil. He's a young child who needs help and the only people who notice are also children themselves. (Carmines doing what she can but she's still young and inexperienced)

Pecharunt has no control over Kierans actions or emotions. He basically says things to Kieran to encourage his negative thoughts and continue his unhealthy downward spiral.

I didn't explain this earlier but when Kieran put on the Ogerpon mask, he left behind a human mask that represents his human form. Pecharunt is currently wearing it.

Pecharunt wants a family again. He woke up many years later to find the old couple he used to live with had died. He wanted a family again but he wanted to live equally among the humans as well. So he started scheming to steal Kierans human life.

His plan just consists of him manipulating Kierans life until he was completely cut off from his friends and family. Once Kieran has nothing, he could trick Kieran into trading him his human life, then he could rebuild Kieran's life from the ground up.

Kieran's not having fun adjusting to life as a pokemon but he believes it's his punishment for being a dick to everyone.

Juliana's meowscarada is called Verde (haven't figured out what the rest of her team consists of yet). Carmine's mightyanna is called Subarashi (Suba for short), her sinistchi is called Chia, morpeko is Kamu and ninetails is Kyu (I used google translate for this, sorry if they're weird). Kieran's furret is called Shippo and his hydrapple is called Ringo.

Fun fact - This plot concept was taken from an old submas fanfic I started writing but never finished. Short summary was Ingo coming back to modern day Unova but he still has amnesia. His and Emmets relationship becomes very strained. Emmets ends up making a deal with Giratina to help turn him into a zorua and use hi illusion powers to get close to Ingo again. (I may post a full summary of the story one day)

Because of this, in the original draft, Kieran was going to turn into a zorua. I changed it just incase I ever wanted to revisits the old fic. Also I thought it would be funny if he turned into ogerpon.

This was heavily inspired by the Kieranpon au, the possessed Kieran au and the movie 'a whisker away'.

Sorry for any spelling errors. No excuse just can't spell for shit.

[kaladinkholins]

I was tagged by @wolvenhour!! Tysm for tagging me 💖

The rules of the game are to write one song for every letter in your url, and then tag as many people as there are letters in your url.

(i'll just be fetching these from scrolling thru my spotify likes lol so this is gonna be a little bit of a mess)

K - Keep Driving by Harry Styles

A - Automobile by KALEO

L - Lautan by Yuna

A - Autodomesticated Animal by Birdtalker

D - De Selby (Part 1) by Hozier

I - I Drink Wine by Adele

N - No Children by the Mountain Goats

K - Knockin' on Heaven's Door by Bob Dylan

H - Haunted House by Florence + The Machine

O - odoriko by Vaundy

L - LADY by Kenshi Yonezu

I - Itu Kamu by Estranged

N - NIGHT DANCER by imase

S - Space Oddity by David Bowie

I tag with all my mooties! So if you see this please consider yourself tagged, and do tag me if you make your own post based on this tag game <3 <3 I know it's going a little against the rules but I don't wanna annoy anyone lmfao

[camusscigarette]

Violets for Roses

Chapter III: Sinful berries mixed with the bitterness of one's ‘cum-scientia’

(Smut. 'Cause I was noticed by my Tumblr crush but not concerning the story ,rather the fanart of it. But it's okay, improvements.)

(I can not write smut it seems. Anyways)

TW: Torture in a flash back.

❦

Soon enough, their dance came to a halt when the music stopped. They still remained in each other's arms, their bodies had moved closer to one another as they stared silently into each other's eyes. Everything at that very moment was intimate between them. Oddly enough, and to Bedelia's own surprise she was comfortable in that very moment.

"I've noticed that you have The Original Copy of the Kamu Satra in your library" He said with a small smirk as he dipped her to a nonexistent symphony playing in his head.

She had to give it to him and his watchful eye. But it truly seems like men only think from their stomachs and their penises, or else, why would he have felt the need to point it out now? A small smirk grew on her lips as he pulled her back up and began to sway with her once again as another soft symphony began to play in the background.

"I do, yes" She said simply, her eyes narrowing slightly as she stared into his eyes for a moment before she chose to go with a risky question and ask "Why? Intrigued?" And bingo. There it was. The sudden desire ignites in his eyes like Fireworks on New Year's Eve.

"I find ut fascinating that a woman as reclusive and very rarely sexually driven as yourself would own such a book" He said simply with a small chuckle. "No judgement intended, Doctor. I am simply intrigued, as you said."

"Well..I find such books to be rather vulgaire at times, but I do consider sex to be an art. Like painting, writing and so on. Sex is an art. Not everyone is good at it. And one can easily get creative with their positions, non?" She asked him ever so innocently, her eyes holding a certain spark in them that told him quite a lot of things, but at the same time, none.

"You are quite the confusing woman" He said as he twirled her and pulled her closer to him with one swift movement, their chests pressed to one another.

"Mhm" She only gave him a slight hum as her eyes stared into one eye, his lips, and then right back to the other eye they went. She wanted fun tonight.

"Have you ever practiced any of the positions in that book?" He asked her curiously with an expressionless face.

"I have. Quite the few actually in my younger days"

"And why not now?"

"Self pleasure is much more fun when you're well equipped" She said with a smile that threw him off guard.

He knew that Bedelia enjoyed herself at times, who didn't after all? But to see her say it so bluntly stirred something inside of him, something such as arousal.

"How so?" He asked her ever so quietly.

"Technology evolved rather well, don't you think?" She said with a raised brow as a small chuckle escaped her lips.

His eyes widened slightly and the image of her pleasuring herself made his pants feel a bit more tight than usual, giving her a small nod as he processed her words. "Mhm, yes"

"But I find myself getting lonely at times" She whispered in a husky tone, her hand that was on his shoulder sliding to his chest. "Don't you as well?" He knew better than to fall for that. And he didn't. But damn it did he ache to feel her withering beneath him.

"Mhm" He hummed again, leaning in to whisper in her ear "I can fix that" And with that he pulled back and twirled her one last time before he pulled her roughly into him, his hands gripping her hips and pressing them into his. It was a hunger he couldn't tame. Neither with human flesh nor with meaningless sex. He ached to taste her on his tongue, and his mouth. Ached for a saltiness mixed with natural musk. Famished and lust driven.

She wrapped her arms around him and lead in ever so slowly to the couch behind her, forcing him to take a seat as she sat in his lap, stranding him in the process. "Something like that?" She asked him in a sultry whisper, her sharp nails grazing his Adams apple.

"Yes" He couldn't help but groan, feeling her weight on his lap, his erection growing and his pants becoming more than simply uncomfortable.

She let her hands trail all over his chest, watching him carefully as his pupils dilated and his hips jerked almost unnoticeably beneath her own.

And like a hungry beast, having had finally captured it's prey, Hannibal's lips attacked Bedelia's own. A battle of tongues and teeth. Nipping on each other's flesh. Tasting not only their saliva but also their blood. The sound of suckles and moans filling the room. Hands exploring one another's bodies until eventually he had her pinned to the couch despite a sound of protests.

But he did not care.

He wanted her.

He had to have a taste.

With his lips leaving hers and moving onto her neck, he latched onto her skin almost immediately. Her head tilted backwards to allow him the space he needed to explore her flesh.

His teeth sunk into her skin and her mouth opened in a silent scream though a moan escaped her lips. With her fingers tangling into his hair a slight gasp came from her as his hands began to hike her skirt up to her waist, and his kisses grew sloppier and wetter as he moved down her chest.

"Hannibal—" She gasped, feeling how hard he was, his erection pressed into her panties, their clothes rubbing uncomfortably around one another.

He did a swift job of getting her blouse undone while she worked on his, ripping it off rather roughly while he worked delicately. His chest was exposed and Bedelia could see the beads of sweat forming at the hairs there, while his chest heaved with each breath. She on the other hand was half naked as his hand sneaked behind her back to unclasp her bra. But his mouth found her clothed breast and bit into it, a small whine escaping Bedelia's lips as she tightened her legs around him.

"Our mouths were always meant to taste the human body" He whispered against her skin, moving away the bra and throwing it over his shoulder as he finally exposed her breasts to him. Taking it the sigh like the greatest treasure known to man kind, his hand already squeezing and teasing one of her ample mounds while his tongue latched onto her other.

"Dieu Christ.." She breathed out, her hand not leaving his hair as she pulled at them.

His warm tongue circled her nipple before he pulled his mouth away and gently blew onto it, watching it harden and noticing how her body shivered in anticipation. And with that, he bit it , earning him a yelp and a teasing hand rubbing him through his pants.

"From lips to necks .." Bedelia whispered, watching him trail his kisses down her stomach, his tongue sticking itself into her belly button. "Nipples and breasts" She continued, growing wetter with each second as his face buried itself in-between her legs and he lapped at her through her panties.

After a few more licks and suckles, it was safe to say that her scent was making it impossible for him to now devour her almost immediately.

"Vulvas and genitals" She said again, her voice growing more and more breathless as he but her inner thigh and it took everything in her not to squeeze his face with her thighs. He trailed up kisses to her knee before he went back onto his usual trail, licking down her inner thigh, his nose burying itself into the lace panties again as he felt her slightly push her hips into his face. He felt her growing impatient.

Her scent was intoxicating. But he had to take this slow, moving his lips to her other inner thigh, biting and sucking onto the flesh with a full intent if marking her there. He wanted her sore. He wanted her sore and in bed with him till the next day, so his lips may soothe her soreness. Tasting her on his lips once again after tonight.

"Hannibal" A needy whine escaped her lips as she ground her hips against him once again. His thumb hooked the hem of her panties and eventually removed them ever so slowly, tying them around his wrist as he settled both of her legs onto his shoulders.

His fingers spreading her, his mouth settling onto her clitoris as he sucked some of her arousal, before his tongue licked down her vulva and began to feast on what he desired the most, letting his primal instincts take over him, his erection painfully hard as he rubbed himself against the couch.

A symphony of whines and whimpers filled his ears, and the more he lapped and suckled onto her vulva, the more his tongue was filled with more of her juices, and the more he got a taste of her, the more he sought out her climax. Till eventually, her thighs squeezed his face, her hands pulling at his hair and a loud cry erupted from her chest as she came. And she came hard with all the build up he made her feel and he didn't stop.

No.

He wanted more.

And more he got as two of his fingers penetrated her, rutting roughly into her as her gasps were almost breathless. And it only took a few more minutes before she came for a second time. Her cum dripping down his chin as he pulled his fingers out, licked them clean and cleaned her up as well.

"Hannibal" She mumbled, already in a high daze as he removed her skirt, yet his eyes fell onto a scar on her hip bone, shaped like an hourglass with some writing beneath it.

Russian.

It was in Russian.

Huh?

Черная вдова

"Hannibal" She said in a whisper once again, pulling him by the hem of his pants as she grabbed him by the chin and kissed his lips once again.

"We are all Cannibals, meant to devour each other"

°•୨♡୧•°

Hours later and he lays besides her in bed, her back pressed into his chest, his arms wrapped around her sleeping form as he placed soft kisses onto her cheek and forehead.

But the scar didn't leave his mind so easily. Not at all in fact as his fingers traced down to her hip bone, where the scar was located. His finger traced it as he tried to remember where he had seen this symbol before. And why was it engraved onto Bedelia's skin ? What was she hiding?

The signs are all Infront of him yet he is incapable of connecting the dots, leaving him nothing. A trail which leads to a dead end.

Or was it truly a dead end?

°•୨♡୧•°

"You mustn't underestimate my power, Dalia" Said the man as he circled her from where she was hanging upside down, stripped naked.

"You left me no choice" She stuttered out, the cold biting her skin and the chains were making it impossible to breath in.

"I did. You simply chose the wrong one. This isn't a democratic country for you to assume that you are allowed to choose the choice that facilitates the task for you. What is this? America?" His question bitter and mocking as she bit back her tongue to keep herself from whimpering.

"I'm tired. I simply wanted something easier than usual" She tried to explain. But it was useless as he pressed a button and she was sunk back into the freezing water with a loud yelp. A minute later he pulled her back out and she was drenched once again, her body trembling like a leaf and her lips turning blue.

"Look at you. Like a wet cat. Shivering and whimpering. What else? Will you meow in protest Everytime I dunk you in?" A cold chuckle followed his words as he dunk her back in before she could say a thing.

Thirty seconds later he pulled her back out as she gasped for air.

"I'd like to hear you meow" He stated, a cruel smile playing on his lips as she glared at him, breathing heavily still.

"Come on kitty, kitty. Meow for me" He said, but she knew it was an order. An order she refuses to give into.

"Meow, or back to the water you go kitten" He threatened but still nothing.

And so, he dunk her back in. Leaving her for almost two minutes, until, he began to see more bubbles form on the surface of the water, and out of pity ,he pulled her out.

"Will you meow now? I'm sure Natalya and Yelena would be saddened to know that their mother is dead. With no one to protect them. Only their father around" He was a cruel man. A cruel, nasty old man that exploited their children to get her to bend the knee.

"Mhm—M—" She was shivering far too much and her teeth were clanking together, unable to say a thing.

"Mhn? What was that, kitty cat?" He asked with a raised brow.

"Mhm—Me—" A whimper escaped her lips as she fell silent.

And so he dunk her again. And again. And Again. Until bruises began to form on her body. Frost bites. And she seemed close to passing out.

Til...

His finger went to the button but before he could press it—

"Meow! Meow meow meow!" She said almost immediately, her eyes filling with tears as she shook her head. "Meow. Meow, meow, meow" The meows sounded more like whimpers but it was something.

His smile widened.

"How easy it is to dehumanize you" He said with a bitter chuckle, signaling two of his men to untie her. And as she came down, thrown to her knees before him, it was obvious that small frostbites were beginning to develop onto her skin due to the discoloration and the slight bruising, but he could care less.

"I have the perfect way to keep you warm, Lisichka." He said mockingly, snapping his fingers as one of his men yanked her by the hair and she yelled in protest.

"Rutting into you might bring back some of the circulation in your body" He said with a laugh.

And with that..

She awoke with a startled gasp. Her hand had already reached for her hidden gun underneath her pillow, aiming it at the door. The last image in her mind was that of— oh him ontop of her.

"Bedelia?" Came Hannibal's alarmed voice. She still did not lower her gun, her eyes staring blankly far ahead, breathing heavy as her chest heaved with desperate wheezes of air, her hand firm as it gripped the gun and her finger on the trigger.

"Bedelia" Hannibal said again, sitting up in bed, his hand ever so carefully settling onto her elbow as it lowered her arm ever so gently and carefully. "Easy there" He whispered softly, his other arm wrapped itself around her as he pulled her to his chest, and to his surprise and her own, she let him. "You're okay. It was a bad dream. A bad dream" He spoke softly into her ear, pulling the gun out of her grasp and setting it onto the bedside.

A bad dream.

It wasn't a bad dream. It was a reality lived decades ago. But still, a reality that remains freshly present in her brain.

"Deep breaths" He instructed her, his hand tangling into her hair, caressing it gently as he tried to soothe her clearly distressed state.

"Deep breaths" He repeated, his lips finding her temple as he gave her a soft kiss.

And so, her eyes closed again, and she let him wrap her tightly in his embrace.

It's over..

Or was it?

[asrisgratitudejournal]

Pi-Eich-Di

Barusan came across a tweet of someone getting a rather harsh comment dari reviewer terus si orang yang ngetweet ini wondering if he should go ahead seeking for PhD. Terus di saat yang bersamaan juga baru aja tadi siang ditanyain oleh 2 kenalan baruku (mutualnya Hanif, huhu terima kasih Hanif yang keep introducing me to young friends): “gimana kak, PhD? Seru nggak? Recommended nggak?” PSA: PLS ANYONE stop asking me this karena jujur ngejawabnya SUSAH BANGET. Ku biasanya akan diplomatis jawab: “PhD is not for everyone. Kalau kamu tipikal yang curiosity tinggi, bisa jalan sendiri tanpa disuruh, senang nulis, senang ngulik, senang MIKIR, nah iya berarti cocok ambil PhD. Tapi kalau kamu tipikal yang lebih suka disuruh, nunggu instruksi baru kerja, dan memang nggak ada passion untuk mencari tahu jawaban dari suatu persoalan, itu akan susah banget sih ngerjain PhD-nya. Bukannya nggak bisa, tapi akan struggling banget aja.”. That’s already a good answer in my opinion(?). Tapi sebetulnya jawabannya PANJANGGG banget. Ini akan bergantung juga dengan segimana aku tahu si orang yang nanya ini, aku sedeket apa sama dia, aku tahu sifat dia seberapa dalam, karena jawabannya emang akan customized banget tailored berdasarkan orangnya. Tapi yaudah kan siapa saya juga ya, yang nanya juga kan pasti orang-orang yang udah dewasa dan nggak mungkin juga ada orang yang decided untuk ambil PhD solely based on my (unworthy) opinion, jadi ku juga santai aja sih, nggak nganggep jawabanku ini sebagai jawaban sakral apa gimana.

Yang jadi pertimbangan paling besar sebetulnya adalah: (ku berkali-kali ngomong ini di twitter sepertinya) “kalau orangnya aku sayang banget, I wouldn’t recommend them doing PhD”. Kenapa? Karena capek banget. Susah. Kasian. Aku sudah mengalami sendiri. Untuk orang yang cukup nosy pengen banyak tahu dan sangat senang belajar hal baru aja tuh, ku mengalami kesulitan. Terutama dalam menulis ya. Ini makanya ku sebetulnya mengasah kemampuan menulis juga di Tumblr ini supaya bisa menyusun apa yang ada di otak, di-kristalisasi, terus ditumpahkan jadi kata-kata di keyboard. Beneran se… bikin gila itu doing PhD tuh. Ku sampe konseling. Ku stres. Kadang sampe bikin gabisa tidur. Menangis. Pokoknya definisi hardship tu si PhD ini. Mana lonely pulak. I really didn’t want anyone else experiencing this.

Tapi, at the same time, ku juga pengen banget orang ambil PhD… (kan emang kontradiktif aja anaknya aku mah). Kenapa? Karena ku merasa BELAJAR BUANYAKKKK BANGET di PhD ini! Not necessarily science ya atau methods (ini mah pasti), tapi juga ke self-discovery, thinking method, belajar nulis, doing research, building network and collaboration, communication. Beneran ku yakin kalau 3 tahun terakhir ku di Indo aja, I wouldn’t have this much confidence in talking to people, in writing, in going to the lab, to the field. I wouldn’t know myself the way I do now, too. Kayak, oh sebetulnya music dan painting itu ya memang secara empiris sangat berguna untuk mental health aku. Terus, kenapa aku behave seperti ini ya, itu semua tersingkap pas sesi konseling yang mungkin gaakan aku lakukan juga kalau aku di Indo karena nggak berada under big stress gitu kan. Jadi… ku juga pengen banget teman-temanku dan orang-orang yang kusayang untuk experiencing semua ini juga: all the positive impact I’ve felt during the process of my PhD.

Kesimpulannya adalah apa? I will let them think again. Buat apa ngambil PhD, emangnya mau jadi dosen atau researcher kah? Jadi ya emang kebutuhan kan kalau gitu mah. Dan ya harus banget lah kalau mau bikin R&D di Indo bagus ke depannya ya harus ada banyak banyak lulusan PhD di Indo. Tapi kalau buat iseng-iseng aja, atau si orangnya juga ga yakin-yakin amat, emang cuma lagi bosen aja sama kerjaan, saran saya mah: nda usah. Udah bekerja aja di Indonesia, 9 to 5, mencari uang yang banyak, beli rumah tapi jangan beli mobil (we don’t need more cars in Indo), beranak, sekolahin anaknya sampai pintar, nanti si anaknya aja yang PhD.

Tapi yang penting buat di-note juga. Nggak berarti keterima PhD terus kita harus selesaikan ya. Ku ada beberapa cerita atau ada teman sendiri yang dulu udah sempat PhD di suatu tempat, terus setelah jalan berapa lama kok nggak ngerasa cocok, akhirnya ya keluar. Dan gapapa banget. Malah aku super salut sama orang-orang kaya gini, karena mereka tahu value mereka apa dan mungkin ngerasa academia ini kok nggak sejalan sama value yang mereka pegang ya. Atau (hopefully tapi ga kejadian di teman-temanku) lagi nggak hoki aja dapet prof/lab yang toxic misalnya. That’s OK, too. Nggak ada yang bilang juga kalau PhD itu komitmen yang harus dijalanin sampai selesai. So you do you. Kalau ada teman yang tanya, kalau ku deket BUANGET (teman-teman dekatku udah tahu ini sih), ku memang tipe yang “gak helpful” kalau dimintain pendapat HAHA karena ujung-ujungnya aku akan “ya tapi terserah lo juga sih”. I’m such a Libra. Yang ngasih view dari semua sudut, terus pas ditanya kesimpulannya apa A atau B akan jawab “hmmmmm either is ok” atau malah “nggak dua2nya deh” HAHA.

Tapi iya itu ya jadinya jawabanku teman-teman. Kalau ada yang tanya lagi next time, sepertinya aku akan kasih link post ini aja haha. Biar mereka baca sendiri. Dan juga bisa scroll ke postinganku yang lain. Biar bisa lihat strugglesnya dan happy-nya gimana selama 3 tahun terakhir.

Ciao!

30.18 17:44 04/10/2023

[dinisuciyanti]

Pernah gak di posisi pengen nangis tapi udah gak bisa nangis lagi. Karna as simple as udah kebal aja sama kegagalan. "Yaudahlah kek baru pertama gagal aja", me to myself.

Banyak faktor gagalnya. Dan aku memaklumi, ya wajar sih alasan gagal ku itu. Kalo aku ada di posisi yang punya uang, aku juga akan menggagalkan harapan calon student seperti ku, untuk case yang ini. Ya sebenernya enggak gagal 100% sih, cuma it takes time untuk show off bahwa aku capable to do that. Make sense. Cuma ya pengen nangis aja wkwkwk.

Lagi capek gini. Tadi sempet nangis berlinang dikit pas lagi makan malem. Ga sesenggukan karna lagi makan. Lanjut edit dokumen untuk di-upload besok. Udah jam 10 lewat, gak kerasa. Ternyata ada PR writing yang belum dikerjain. Auto ngerjain dulu buat les besok pagi. Dan ini baru beres. Terus lupa mau lanjut nangisnya wkwk.

Dahlah. Apa yang kamu harapkan din.

19 September 2023

[kamuucab]

If you blow a kiss at Sun he’s gonna grab it, press a hand to his chest and gasp like he’s touched by the gesture, then throw it over his shoulder and walk away.

If you blow a kiss at Moon they’re gonna grab it, pause for a second, and then pretend to ravenously eat it (chewing sounds included).

[faceimploded]

A certain song that describes (a hypothetical) Ceroba

Edit:

@engisanic pointed out there's literally a line in the pacifist route, right before Ceroba engages in battle:

"I almost wish you never showed up in the Wild East. Maybe then I could've continued to bury my sorrows in the Saloon."

Thanks for the correction! Original post below:

-------

I've been hooked on reading fanmade Undertale Yellow written works (i.e. fanfiction), and I notice there's a sort of headcanon(?) that mostly involve Ceroba getting drunk most of the time as a way to cope with grief.

Incidentally, while reading up on more fics, a certain song started playing, and I realized it does describe this aspect pretty well, so I'll be breaking the song's lyrics down and include some personal interpretations (though if anyone has some insights or info to add, that'd be great!)

------

「思い出酒」

omoide zake

Memories (brought forth from sake)

by Sachiko Kobayashi (小林 幸子)

Feel free to listen to the song linked above in the title first—there's even a translation provided by the channel jpoptranslationsbyalulu, thought there are some nuances from other sources that I don't quite agree with (hence the personal interpretations).

Presuming that Ceroba does drink a lot, this song would make a lot more sense in that context—even more so that it's (modern) enka, a type of sentimental ballad where the song's theme often involves romance and bleak life themes, perhaps like heartbreak or loneliness. A love song of sorts in some ways.

If the underground had a karaoke box, I can imagine Ceroba singing to this.

With that, I'll be breaking down the song into stanzas and analyze each of them as follows:

---

Japanese

Romaji

English (literal translation)

Let's start with the first stanza:

無理して飲んじゃいけないと

muri shite nonja ikenai to

"Do not force [yourself] to drink"

肩をやさしく抱きよせた

kata wo yasashiku dakiyoseta

Gently embraced the shoulder

Putting these two lines together, the nuance is that someone walked up to the singer (or speaker) and is warning her not to drink too much before pulling her into a gentle embrace.

It's interesting though that the second line is left ambiguous since there's nothing to specify who's doing the action (in this case, embracing their shoulder). As a result, some may interpret this as the speaker finding comfort and relief in the drink itself rather than a person.

Then again, the first line already indicates a sort of quote (と), so I think this was more in the literal sense of a stranger talking to the speaker.

You probably see where I'm going with this, but somebody (likely a certain sheriff) caught Ceroba over-drinking, and he's telling her to take it easy as he comforts her.

---

The song heads straight to the chorus (where the first and third lines are repeated, so I'll focus on the second lines in future choruses):

あの人どうしているかしら

ano hito doushiteiru kashira

How is that person faring?

噂をきけばあいたくて

uwasa o kikeba aitakute

[I] want to meet them upon hearing those rumors

おもいで酒に酔うばかり

omoide zake ni you bakari

Only drunk in sake and memories

Being close friends, it's no surprise that your friend's wellbeing will be a constant in your thoughts, but the second line seems to indicate a pretty strong desire, a longing to see them just thinking about them, just hearing a single mention of their name.

If only we knew what Ceroba was really thinking... Hm.

---

The second stanza:

ボトルに別れた日を書いて

botoru ni wakareta hi wo kaite

[I] write about the day I parted from the bottle

そっと涙の小指かむ

sotto namida no yubi kamu

and lightly bite my pinky wet with tears

It took a while for me to understand the 'bottle' part, but the speaker, who had such a strong tendency to lean towards drinking, is now putting a hold on drinking (parting from the bottle). Well, putting the sake bottle away anyway. Because the speaker is now drunk on something else: a certain feeling, a certain longing. A desire strong enough to put them off drinking (for even a day?) and long for this person it pains her.

---

The second chorus is the same except for the middle second line:

あの人どうしているかしら

ano hito doushiteiru kashira

How is that person faring?

出船の汽笛ききながら

defune no kiteki kikinagara

I hear the steam whistle of the ship

おもいで酒に酔うばかり

omoide zake ni you bakari

as [I] get drunk on sake and memories

Perhaps the speaker is still drinking, but at least this one time, she seems to be pouring her heart into a letter.

Really, most of the lines here are self explanatory, but that changed line makes it feel more like a farewell, as if the person the speaker longs for is about to leave her, or go some place far from her reach.

Almost as if the beloved person just... you know.

---

Third and final stanza before the last chorus:

いつかは忘れる人なのに

itsuka wa wasureru hito nanoni

Even if they're someone [I'll] forget one day

飲めば未練がまたつのる

nomeba miren ga mata tsunoru

When I drink, memories [of that person] will surface once again

It seems like the speaker has somehow managed to get over their problem... until they drink again. She's back to drinking. A relapse. Except this time, now there's an extra layer of heartbreak and longing.

Personally speaking, I don't really think about someone unless they're someone I wish I never met, or if it's a loved one who's... fallen. I think people don't really think about others until something bad happens. Either way, that relationship from earlier seems to have crumbled and is now only a memento for life (which the speaker may or may not choose to remember).

---

The final chorus with this line changed to:

あの人どうしているかしら

ano hito doushiteiru kashira

How is that person faring?

くらしも荒れたこのごろは

kurashi mo areta kono goro moNeglecting [my] life these days,

おもいで酒に酔うばかり

omoide zake ni you bakari

[I am] drunk in nothing but sake and memories

Back to square one, but it's reached a point where she just doesn't really care about her life or current state anymore, and the only seeming comfort is her initial solution: to drink and lose herself in long gone days and sake.

--------

Well, all of this is just a what-if analysis so it may not even apply to canon.

Also, I just noticed the beginning of the song just sounds very North Star. Starlo-ish. Hehe.

Time to write a fic involving this song.

Edit 2:

Just realized this song applies to Chujin as well

[babblingpipit]

Detachment

Sering banget anxious tiba-tiba (seperti yang sering kutulis disini). Kayanya emang otaknya kebanyakan trigger emosi negatif aja sih jadi kayak hyper-aware gitu kalo lagi ada situasi negatif. Salah satu caraku memanage anxiety ini adalah berusaha detach dengan pikiran negatif yang lagi muncul di kepala. Jadi diperhatiin aja dan diselesaikan train of thoughtnya (karena kalo ngga, ini yang bikin spiraling. Misal dikasih distraksi dan ga dilanjutin suka pop up gitu aja). Tapi setelah train of thoughtnya selesai, kemudian akan bilang, itu adalah intrusive thought yang ga selalu harus didengerin karena bisa jadi ga relevan dengan situasi yang lagi dijalanin.

Ternyata lumayan bikin self aware dan bisa tenang lagi. Contoh adalah kemarin baru dapet feedback beberapa draft dari Darren yang banyak catetan merah-merahnya dan ada summary weakness dan strengthnya. Ketrigger banget sedih dan gamau buka atau baca lagi apalagi revisi kan. Pas malem pun kebangun jam 2 karena negative thinking dan setelah aku lanjutin pikirannya ya ada berdasar dari shame dan merasa takut dijudge, takut diri ini ga mencapai ekspektasi, etc, sampe deg-degan loh kalo dipikirin. Terus curhat ke Adit dan mikir, ini adalah perasaan kamu sekarang, yang mana valid banget dan pasti adalah response dari suatu trauma. Tapi bukan berarti bener kalo aku ga mencapai ekspektasi dan dijudge negatif sama Darren (dan Lisa). Terus setelah mencapai kesimpulan itu, ngantuk dan tidur lagi, yay Alhamudlillah.

Terus sekarang lagi berusaha buka drafnya untuk revisi (karena deadlinenya awal Februari huhu). Dan udah jauh lebih tenang meskipun keinginan untuk procrastinating ini masih gede banget. Gile ya kerjaan bertahun-tahun adalah academic writing tapi kok tiap ada hasilnya selalu masih ketrigger pikiran negatif, meskipun udah puluhan kali tahap ini dilalui. Ya gitu aja ga sih hidup, pasti ada tantangannya tiap hari dan kalo udah lewat tuh kita jadi lupa yang pernah dilewatin apa aja. Semangats!

[hmuyassar]

Siapa pula yang ngambil IELTS tiap kali expired dua tahun sekali? saya.

**

The first time I took the exam was around 4 years ago. Although I admit it was the longest test preparation, I never expected to get a 7 the first time.

Persiapan pertama kali mungkin sekitar 6 bulan sampe hampir setahun. Sejak baca blognya kiky edward, saya mulai nyusun jadwal belajar sendiri dan nyari-nyari resources yang direkomendasiin. Ketika gap year dan jadi santri di utrujah, I woke up for around one until two hours each night to practice. Karena akses pondok terbatas, latihan reading, listening, speaking dan writing hampir semua sendiri. I finished a box full of cambridge practice books, especially for the reading and listening part. Saya juga izin sama musyrifah biar dibolehin bawa HP untuk dengerin audio. Sementara untuk writing dan speaking kalau bisa minta review temen, atau ga rekam dan review sendiri. Jadwal tidur saya sepenuhnya terbalik dari jadwal santri yang lain, ketemu temen-temen pas kelas dan jam sholat aja. Definisi beneran jadi 'kalong'.

As I gradually needed feedback for my writing and speaking, I applied for the IELTS class di NEC. Although it was a Saturday weekly and wasn't intensive, it felt like a private one since I was the only student.

In the arabic classes, struktur nyusun kalimat saya mulai kecampur-campur. Studying English at night while studying Arabic during the day has made my brain jumbled.

However, the hardest part was enduring the boredom to be consistent with the routine. Bukan apa-apa, ketika itu fokus kerjaan saya cuma tiga: bahasa inggris, ujian murajaah dan bahasa arab, dimana masing-masing menuntut standar yang lumayan tinggi, dalam periode waktu yang lumayan lama, dengan sarana refreshing yang sangat minim.

There were times when I felt like I wanna puke.

One note to myself from this period is; I was so focused on myself, that I forgot others. Ambisimu akan masa depan tidak sepantasnya membuatmu lupa akan kewajibanmu untuk memenuhi hak orang lain saat ini. Termasuk didalamnya hak orangtua, keluarga dan teman-temanmu akan waktu dan dirimu. Jangan sampai kamu menyesal karena tidak terlibat dalam momen berharga yang bisa membuatmu bersyukur di kemudian hari.

A certain dramatic experience: I was almost disqualified from the speaking test. Dengan bodohnya, rentang waktu antara tes sebelumnya dan tes speaking dipake buat balik dulu untuk sholat dan istirahat. Iya, waktu itu masih underestimate jalanan jakarta. Alhasil telatlah hampir satu jam. Di perjalanan udah sepenuhnya pasrah sama hasil dan bersiap dengan kemungkinan terburuk. Sampe tempat tes, entah panitianya mungkin ikut kasian sama muka saya yang berurai air mata dan akhirnya tetep dibolehin langsung masuk. Lucunya, pengalaman ini jadi bahan cerita saya di tes speaking yang ketiga.

Please bear with the long post ya, ini baru tentang tes pertama :))

The second test was actually a sudden test. The previous one annoyingly exactly expired before I applied for IISMA, hence the need for a new one.

It was a computer-based test, jadi materi belajar semua diganti online buat ngebiasain pake komputer. Latihan cenderung lebih mudah karena ga perlu belajar banget dari '0'. I'm also glad to find www.ieltsonlinetests.com for practices. Waktu itu ga sempet nyari partner buat writing dan speaking, jadi sepenuhnya semua review sendiri. Karena yang penting skornya jangan sampe turun, strateginya juga masih sama kayak tes yang pertama; utamain maksimalin skor dari yang dianggap kuat (reading dan listening), lainnya bismillah aja deh. Makanya nilainya pun masih sangat jomplang, apalagi sama writing.

I didn't have other particular responsibilities, so I could focus on studying quite well. I was able to do other things and paid attention to the house since it was during the online lecture period. The challenge was adapting to the online format while having a relatively short preparation time. Still, Allah kindly gave me a higher score than before and I'm grateful for that.

The last one (hopefully). Motivasi terbesar buat rajin untuk tes ketiga adalah duit. I wanna make sure it's worth the money, you see. Seenggaknya jangan sampe turun lah, sayang tiga juta (wth the price got higher each time:").

But the higher you set the previous bar, the higher you should aim for the next one.

It still seems difficult to aim for 8.

Persiapan agak intensif sekitar tiga bulanan, 'agak' karena harus nyambi kerja. The challenge was to maintain the balance; berusaha sebisanya buat dapet hasil terbaik, jangan sampe ganggu kerjaan -yang mana harus berangkat pagi dan pulang malem-, jangan sampe lupa rumah, dan jangan lupa buat 'hidup'. 'Hidup' dalam artian terpenuhi ruh, jiwa, diri dan sosial.

Akhirnya luangin waktu belajar seenggaknya sejam sebelum shubuh atau sebelum pulang kerja. Selain juga konsisten nongkrong tiap jumat sore di luar buat belajar, buka buku atau apa gitu. Sampe-sampe kalo pulang cepet orang-orang pada heran, 'tumben pulang cepet' haha. I feel bad for bapak-bapak yang biasa nungguin buat ngunci ruangan sih.

Reading dan listening masih latihan cuma dari www.ieltsonlinetest.com aja. Strategi untuk kali ini berubah, I wanna focus more on the writing part. Saya sadar kalo skornya masih kurang aman, dan sadar juga kalau academic writing emang masih payah padahal paling dibutuhin buat jangka panjang. Akhirnya dibantu pake ikut academic writing course-nya LBI buat nunjang skill writing secara umum, sementara latihan intensif pribadinya dibantu tektokan sama chatgpt (wkwk what an experience being trained by an AI). Sementara untuk speaking, saya buat appointment sekitar seminggu sekali selama sebulan terakhir sama beberapa native di Italki. Plusnya via Italki bisa lebih fleksible dan variatif ketemu orang, dengan partner yang mayan profesional karena ada fee, tapi dengan fee yang bisa menyesuaikan dengan dompet pribadi.

Well, the results show my writing and speaking were still the lowest. It passed the minimum at least. However, not even in my dream would I expect to get a 9 on one of my results. It feels like all those paper readings, intentionally or not, were actually worth the time.

During the last period, I often questioned myself; Why should I do this hard? Haven't I done enough for English? Isn't it okay to do it modestly? Isn't it better to do other languages instead? While I meet strangers online and pour my thoughts into writing, I renew my motivation.

An international test is a way to validate your capacity based on an internationally recognized standard. However, language is beyond a test.

Jika fungsi utama bahasa adalah untuk berkomunikasi, maka bukankah tidak ada batasan untuk berkomunikasi? Semakin baik kamu bisa berkomunikasi, semakin baik pula pesan disampaikan dan dipahami antara kamu dan lawan bicara. Semakin tinggi penguasaanmu akan bahasa, semakin luas juga range caramu dalam berkomunikasi dengan berbagai lawan bicara. Meskipun selalu ada kemungkinan salah paham dan miskomunikasi yang berujung konflik, tidak ada salahnya terus mengasah kemampuan. Harapannya yang tercipta adalah kesepahaman bersama, baik dengan cara menyampaikan (active) ataupun memahami (passive), baik secara lisan (speaking and listening) dan tulisan (writing and reading).

Dengan kata lain, akan selalu ada alasan dan ruang untuk berkembang, meskipun skor mu sudah mencapai band 9.

Ya, meskipun kita pahami pula kalau komunikasi tidak hanya tentang bahasa, sebagaimana bahasa tidak hanya tentang komunikasi.

***

Early days when I was in the UK, I lost my confidence.

I repeatedly apologized for my English. I repeatedly asked people to repeat their talks.

The language barrier is real. However, the fear of being embarrassed and humiliated is worse. It is especially worsened when it hinders you from interacting and connecting with others.

No matter how many people reassured me that my English was good, even if I knew my IELTS score was sufficiently high already, I couldn't shake the negative thinking off my head. Consequently, I frequently shut myself in the room. Defense mechanism, they said.

At the end of the day, a score might mean nothing when it does not help you brace yourselves outside the room. On the other side, bravery means everything when it comes to using everything in your hand to survive.

.

.

I take pride in preparing for the exam mainly by myself. Because then I know that I am able to count on myself to achieve my own purpose. Then, I recognized the blessings I have; that I was able to navigate through the help of others. Hopefully, all of these will help me being responsible and adapting to any situation in the future.

[anotherrosesthatfell]

killermare first made - written by HP (my writing partner 💀)

[Note: this is unfortunately canon... Why do I even gave him the job to write backstories...]

Nightmare will be called by the name of Alphonse in here while Killer is Amaris.

Also, this is a short one, the full version is on wattpad but I am not sure if I really want to make this canon and publish it... 🗿

It's black, everything is black for Alphonse.

How long has it been since the wars ended? How long has it been since he killed everyone.

Alphonse got up from his king sized bed, if he were still himself, he will be so grateful everyday but now?

He just want to die and meet his family again. Can he even reunite with his family?

No.. His family are in heaven. If he die, he'll go to hell.. He deserves it.

Alphonse was never a man of religion after knowing her deceased wife done witchcraft. He used too because he devoted himself to the empire he served long time ago as a knight.

Now look at him, a sad pathetic king who can't even get himself together.

Alphonse get up and looks at the mirror. He changed so much... He was kind and caring but now he is nothing but an ugly monster.

"... I need to get out." he whispered to himself.

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

The outside was loud, it was a proof that he stay in too long.

He has magic now, he can travel across the world with just using magic. He didn't get a good control of it at first but after years, he manages too.

Alphonse walks around the place, it was full of trees and happy children are playing.

That two words reminds him a lot of the past.

"shit..." Alphonse sighed to himself. 'Maybe this is a bad idea, I should go to more depressing place—' "huh—?"

A girl suddenly stumbled upon him which made him startled. He didn't fall but the girl did.

Alphonse panicked and turn around to ask if the girl alright. Yet as soon as he did that, he was stunned by the girl appearance.

"U-Uhm, maaf tuan! {{U-Uhm sorry mister!}}" The girl apologized as she got up by herself.

White hair, palest skin that he ever know and two pair of black eyes. She looks exactly like his deceased wife when she was younger.

"Fiona...?" he mutters under his breath.

He was shocked indeed, part of him want to hug her so badly.

Just then, a slightly older man ran towards Fiona. Alphonse immediately fled from the scene while still panicking, he hides using his shape-shifting quirk.

"Amaris, jangan pernah lari seperti itu lagi! {{Amaris, don't ever run like that again!}}" Yelled his brother, "You have no idea how upset the doctors are right now..."

"T-Tapi Kakak, mereka akan menembakku dengan jarum lagi! {{B-But Brother, they're going to shot me with needles again!}}" she pouted. "Aku benci itu! {{!I hate that!}}"

"ini demi kebaikanmu sendiri, Amaris... ayo pergi sebelum mereka memutuskan untuk mengganti dosismu lagi. {{It's for your own good, Amaris... Let's just go before they decide to change your dose again.}}" said her brother.

Amaris frowned but she gave up in the end. She wanted to play with those kids, if she didn't stumbled on the eerie man, she would've gotten away.

Talking about Alphonse, she wonders where did he went.

"kakak, ada seorang pria menakutkan dengan penampilan berlendir {{Brother, there was a man with scary with slimy appearance.}}" she said

"apakah kamu berhalusinasi lagi, Amaris? {{Are you hallucinating again, Amaris?}}" he sighed. "tolong jangan katakan itu pada doktermu {{Please don't tell that to your doctors.}}"

Amaris's brother didn't find any concerns behind her words. They left and went back to the mental hospital.

Alphonse was still there, he stop hiding as he tried to keep his calm. No kidding, he is still surprised to see someone who look so much like his wife. As if his wife were reincarnated as Amaris.

"Amaris huh... ..." Alphonse smirked to himself as he feels his darker self is telling him horrible things he should do to get Amaris in his hand.

Alphonse snapped from his thoughts as he get himself back.

'This isn't right, she's not even Fiona and she seems like around my late daughter age...' Alphonse is trying to stay sane but it's hard to do so.

‘’then just wait for a few years, she'll be all yours once again.”

There's it again. The one who keep talking to him after those pass years, it was the consequences for committing treason and ate the forbidden apples.

"Oh God.." Alphonse hates these kind of conversations.

‘’God can't save you, this is your fate... Now you must do whatever you desire...!‘’

"Well my desire is just for you to go away!" Alphonse yelled as he covered his ears. He don't want to listen this horrid thoughts.

“WRONG. That's not your desires at all!”

"I am loyal to my wife bastard... This is just so wrong." Alphonse sighed to himself.

He left the place before he will get told by those dark thoughts again.

He is in the castle again, it was dark and he is lonely.

He need to control himself, he can't lost against someone who is part of him now.

(here I am waiting for my other friend opinion...💀)

[gizantara]

hii, i'm one of your friends (irl), ketebak juga sih keknya soalnya aku baru like postinganmuu, i just wanna say hi in this platform, i adore your writings in instagram too. buat buku aja gak sih kamu... i'll support u 100%, klo mau commis cover atau ilustrasi bisa ke aku nanti wkwkwk jkk, have a nice day!

Halo, hahaha (ketawa salting dengan kikuk). Tiba-tiba banget emang boleeeh?

Sebenarnya engga pernah mengharapkan dapat feedback yang gimana-gimana dari yang baca tulisanku di sini (baik yang kenal maupun engga kenal) soalnya merasa ga ada yang terlalu wah dari apa yang udah ditulis. Jujur bingung juga nyikapin perasaan jenis ini sebab selalu canggung ke diri sendiri kalo menerima apresiasi dari orang lain. Ada senangnya, ada takutnya juga.

Tapi.. segala puji bagi-Nya yang telah memperjalankanku untuk sampai pada pemahaman tertentu yang kemudian dapat tertuang di sini. Dan juga telah memperjalankan kita untuk saling melihat perjalanan satu sama lain kemudian belajar darinya. Seneng bisa keep in touch again!

Anw, justru dengan cara pandang yang baiklah, kamu membaca tulisan yang biasa aja ini. Iya, dengan mata yang indah itu. Jadi.. kagumlah pada cara dirimu memandang sesuatu. Mata yang indah itu nggak semua orang punya, hehe..

Dan.. selain caramu memandang, aku juga suka caramu menggambar! Aku harap aku punya tangan ajaib seperti itu, tapi namanya bakat ya nggak bisa bohong wkwk. Belakangan lagi beneran kepikiran how to deliver long text into simple illustration tanpa menghilangkan maknanya. Cuma ya udah, nggak terealisasi karena keterbatasan kapasitas, sumber daya, waktu, dan energi.

Aku akan menulis buku, mungkin, entahlah. Belum jadi kejaran terdekat, tapi sedang menjajaki batu demi batu loncatan yang ada. Makasih banyak loh, tawarannya. Sebuah kehormatan buatku menerima tawaran tersebut. Akan aku hubungi jika Allah sudah menghendaki waktunya. Ofc, I'll support u 100% too, in many things you fight for. Ganbatte ne!

— Giza, pengen jaga jenis pertemanan sehat seperti ini sampai surga. Selamanya dan selamatnya.