#knowing surely I will find far greater happiness were i to procrastinate in any other way

[mistergreatbones]

I am graduating in two weeks I will not engage in discourse. I am graduating in two week I need to focus on finals. My degrees will worth more than being right online. I will not engage in discourse. I will not engage. I will not.

But I want to 😟

[gunmetal-magnus]

And what if I can’t?  What if I’m not worthy of my ideals?

As I stare out my apartment window and watch the drizzling sky, I’m drawn to the subtle gradient of yellow.  Clouds coasting through the sky, gray yet without dismay.  And the sun?  The sun will live to break another day, that I am confident in.  I only wish I were so confident in myself.

....

Life is strange.  Mine in particular looks like it might be going in a good direction.  I’ve been getting interviews for jobs and as someone who’s spent their fair share of time hopelessly unemployed and depressed, not knowing what to do with themselves (besides salsaing with suicide ideation), I should be elated about any progress.  I wish I could say that I am or even that I was but that wouldn’t be accurate.  The truth is that I’m a harrowing hailstorm of things - surprisedsleepybusycuriousthankfuloptimisticexposedhorrifiedcriticalnervousanxiousinsecurepressuredtired - it’s all a bit overwhelming, isn’t it?

Knocking on the looming doors of success, I find myself feeling the crushing weight of my expectations.  The walls are a deafening white with not a texture or pattern in sight.  If you try to touch them they ripple like water.  There are no windows for me to peer through.  Fog creeps around me like a cheetah stalking its prey.  It’s so thick you could choke on it.  Success is...scary.

I know I know, that sounds a ridiculous thing to say, shouldn’t I be more afraid of failing?  Welllll...no.  You see, the weight I mentioned earlier was not merely crushing, it was also comforting.  Over time failure became familiar and eventually, my friend.  I got used to failure as the status quo, smothered in its cosy embrace and the threat of change, of combing out of this embrace into the chilling embrace of uncertainty, of becoming someone worthy of their success - it’s unfamiliar, it’s scary.  But just what is so comforting about not achieving your goals - about not getting what you really want?  For me it’s because of one paralyzing question: And what if I can’t?  What if I’m not worthy of my ideals?

“But…I’m…I’m just a soldier, I-I’m not worthy.”

It’s a terrifying prospect that I could give something my all and find that I just couldn’t do it.  I don’t want to be saying “I did my best and it wasn’t good enough,” because what I may mean is “I wasn’t good enough.  I don’t have the power.”  But that’s exactly the point!  I do have the power and if that is true then I have to come to terms with my responsibility to that power - that it’s up to me to use that power because when you can do the things that you can do...and then the bad things happen...they happen because of you.  I don’t want that burden so it’s easier to cast it off and reinvent the narrative by claiming powerlessness.  It’s easier to identify as a fraud and be done with it, to say to myself “men like me should’ve never dared to believe.”

Haha…paradoxically in our journey to discover our own power we discover just how little power we hold, that our only power is in ourselves.  Time and how bound we are to what we know at present, our surrounding circumstances, and the fact that we’re only people who can only do people things - these serve to remind us that the power of what we control and free will are only so vast.  It’s strange - you are responsible for how you use your power but not the outcome because you’re not omnipotent.  Bad things don’t always happen because of you.  Sometimes they just happen.  Sometimes things in general...just happen.

Let’s say I achieve success, what then?  The pressure to maintain is immense and to exceed - it’s even more so.  Who perpetuates this pressure?  For many of us it’s society but the greater threat lies within the darkness of our own hearts.  The societal gaze is nothing without validation and that validation comes from our self-worth and how grossly entangely that is with achieving success.  There is an expectation of linearity and escalation in progress, if you get good grades you’re expected to keep getting good grades and then some, so it’s shocking and disappointing when you don't.  People wonder how that could’ve happened, you wonder how it could’ve happened, you start to doubt yourself...should you though?  Writer and retired athlete Christopher Bergland challenges the expectation of linearity in success and explained in a conversation with his daughter, “I learned as an athlete that in order to succeed and become the best that I could be, I had to fail again and again—but always keep trying. Inevitably, every time I raised the bar, and took on a new athletic challenge, I would have to fail first in order to ultimately succeed and break a record." He embraced failure as part of the ebb and flow, it was part of success.  To him, failure was no reason for doubt.  So why should it be for me?  I don’t know, because life’s not that simple I suppose?  Identifying as unworthy and fraudulent, these are not easy to shake.  Negative self-identity manifests itself in habitual self-sabotage.  Worrying about how we align with our perceptions of ourselves, procrastination via instant gratification distractions like Instagram scrolling and going back on our promises such as taking that drink we know we shouldn’t become commonplace - habitual and they will take habitual work to undo them.

Even so, is this really just about the burden of ideals?  Perhaps not.  Susanne Babbel writes in her article “Fear of Success'' that the physiological reactions to trauma and excitement over success are similar - too similar. “When we experience a traumatic event — such as a car accident or a school bullying incident — our body associates the fear we experience with the same physiological feelings we get while excited.”  Heart tensions, shortness of breath, quivering and more - they are triggered in me by both stimuli and my body cares not for the messenger, only the message and that message is “be afraid.”  

if I’m responding to excitement as if it were trauma, the question is what is my trauma?  

…

Babbel mentions that throughout our lives, we may be made to feel less than, “many of us — especially if we've been subject to verbal abuse — have been told we were losers our whole lives, in one way or another. We have internalized that feedback and feel that we don't deserve success.”  I knew someone who made me feel like this, I called her my mum.  I spent a lifetime being told by her in one way or another that I wasn’t good enough.  I remember being dragged into the unlit attic by her for losing a crayon as a child, I remember being shouted at for getting some mediocre grades in junior high school - being told that I better do better, I remember being told that she had given up hope on me - I remember, all of it.  We don’t talk anymore - except we do.  I internalised her voice and I made it my own, I began to identify with failure.  I have an excerpt from an old journal entry that illustrates this identity crisis all too well.

                                                                                                                               5.11.20

“Sometimes I really wonder

If it’s better

To be a 

Fuckup

Than a Success

Without

The Interesting Mess.

...Why do I have to compromise the things that make me who I am to be happy?...Why can’t I have my misery?...I hate doing the right thing...Maybe I like being a failure, a mess, a no man’s man.”

By this time I had long since left home but you can’t outrun your demons, only challenge them.  I have only begun to unravel this voice due the therapy I have recently completed and am fighting this battle every day.  Sometimes I lose and they gain territory.  Other times I manage to reclaim it and even add more.  It’s an endless battle.

And yet, the voice of Failure clings to me like some foul smog.  Since he doesn’t want to let me try and fall, he’ll say, “It’s comfortable here.  Flounder into the fondue of failure, it’s what you know - it suits you.  What precisely is so wrong with failure in the first place?”

…

It’s a good question.  In an ideal world, the answer may be, “nothing in particular,” because I don’t need to succeed to be valid - do the people you love need to be successful for you to love them?  I should hope not.  However, it is not so simple for me to love myself.  Failure will cost me something more than money and a career.  The price of failure is stagnation, embracing the non-linearity of progress and I hate that.  I’m grossly impatient and want to move forward with my life, not wallow in the depths of Misery Mires.  I’ve been stuck here all my life and I’ve just begun the journey out of here.  Failure, as far as I’m concerned, you don’t suit me as well as you think.  I must change sometime because I don’t want to die in the claws of the demons from which I was born.

I can’t stay in my comfort zone.  Yet I can - I’d even quite like to.  Why?  Because...because...deep down I’m still reconciling with the idea that I’m worthy, that I’m worthy of living a life worth living, that I can be what I say I am without fear that it’s all a lie and always will be.  The only way for me to challenge such a belief is to fly in the face of it - to say that “I am worthy” and to act like I mean it, whatever that means - I don’t quite know yet.  My therapist and I agreed that this would be a long road and that ideals are nothing without practice.  I guess all I can do now is drive…

“If you aren’t worthy, you’ll keep trying until you are.”   In order for me to be worthy of my ideals, I first need to believe that I even have a shot.  Beyond that, I need to believe that I deserve to take it. Being worthy means recognising my power to change and the responsibility to act that  comes with that.  Simultaneously, my power is not all-controlling as I am only a person.  Success isn’t linear and failure is a part of that.  However the burden of trauma is heavy.  The self-sabatory habits I picked up from that will require me to reinvent my self-identity and in turn deconstruct those habits.   Lastly and perhaps most importantly, I need to be willing to give the process time.  Can I?  Haha! - s-sure, why not?

Perhaps one day I will find myself staring out into the sky - maybe it’s drizzling, maybe it’s not.  Maybe through an apartment window, maybe in a lush field as the gentle breeze brushes by.  The clouds are coasting by as they always have, slowly but surely.  What colour are they?  Who cares, I don’t even know what colour the sky will be.  Maybe it’s illuminated with a lovely peach pink that reaches out and touches the heart of my inner romantic.   Maybe it’s an apocalyptic red that leaves you weak in the knees - the possibilities are endless but it doesn’t matter - it doesn’t matter what may be.  What matters is what will be and 

I will be watching.

I’ll say I’m worthy and

I will mean it.

I don’t know yet know how

But I will

Because that’s what I’ve decided.

[romewritingshop]

Wake up Parker! Chapter Eleven: The End of all Things

Relationship: Peter Parker x Tall Older Reader (Peter is 22 and Reader is 26/27)

Warnings: Angst, stress, sadness

Word Count Total: 1667 (This Chapter)

Tagged: @bggerbtch​

Summary: Peter Parker is a student in the city of Brooklyn. He’s lazy, spoilt and he procrastinates a lot. He meets a woman named (Y/N), She’s recently moved to Brooklyn for an independent life. Something Peter is fascinated by. Over the course of a few months, Peter needs to realise that he has to grow up and become responsible for his life.

WAKE UP PARKER! MASTERLIST

Peter just reached the main auditorium doors of his college and spotted his friends panicking by. He woke up in a fresh mood today. Sleeping earlier and waking up earlier. Maybe (Y/N)’s independent life was rubbing on him. Subconsciously improving Peter’s life for the better. His friends, Ned and Michelle seemed to grimace as he approached the both of them.

"Ned, something's wrong with Peter."

Peter frowned and ran his hands over his face and hair, inspecting for something to be out of place.

“What is it?”

Ned agreed with Michelle, gesturing to Peter's face.

"I see the problem. Right there on his face."

Peter wondered if there was dried food on his face, as he rubbed at his mouth. He ate some really nice chipotle, Mrs. Stark had made the night before. A good meal before facing his doom.

"What is it?"

Michelle rolled her eyes and snapped.

"He's happy. He's not stressed at all."

Peter gave a sigh of relief. He thought there was something on his face but Ned and Michelle were just being overly dramatic.

"God! I thought there was something on my face."

"Why are you smiling? We find out our results today." Peter shrugged as Michelle and Ned sighed. "Let's just get this over with."

The three of them entered the auditorium, where there were four tables for students to get their results. A few people were by the first two tables. The second set of tables were slightly empty with the professors sorting through the box of envelopes. Small groups of people scattered across the hall and Peter let out a sigh of relief when Wanda wasn't amongst them. Today was not the day to deal with Wanda. 

There were various groups of people that emitted a wide range of emotions. From happy to sad to disappointed and ecstatic. Betty was approaching the trio and she leaped into a hug with Ned. Squealing excitedly as Ned hugged her with confusion. Michelle rolled her eyes and Peter had a guess that Betty must've done well to pass.

"Ned! I passed! I passed! I got more than 40 in every subject! I thought I'd get less than 35! I'm so happy I passed!"

Michelle frowned at Betty's excitement. That was just a passing grade and a third class honours degree. Michelle was concerned that the marks for the grades have been lowered. Ned was worried and Peter was completely blasé. If someone like Betty could pass and get a high grade then surely Peter can pass and get a good degree.

Peter felt that luck was on his side as he watched Michelle complain.

"Betty, that's enough for a third class honours degree." 

Betty rolled her eyes at Michelle's negativity. She worked hard and she didn't need smarty pants Michelle to rain on her parade.

"Whatever, at least I passed."

Michelle stalked away to the tables to grab her envelope with her results in it. Betty urged Ned and Peter to do the same as the both of them did their handshake. Wishing the other luck and they headed to the tables that were handing envelopes in alphabetical surname order.

Michelle and Ned got theirs quickly as did Peter. The three of them went to a corner of the auditorium. Betty was there watching intensely. Michelle decided to open hers first and she handed it to Peter to read.

"Peter. If it's bad just slap me on the face. If it's good, slap me because I will probably faint."

Peter scanned through the paper, making a note of the high marks that Michelle got in every exam. She had done extremely well. Only missing out by a few marks. She did it, she passed and probably got a first class honours degree. Peter beamed at Michelle, who had covered her face in anticipation. Ned smiled as he broke the news to Michelle.

"You did it! You passed. You've got a first class degree."

"No!" Michelle snatched it from Peter and read it over. The boys were right and the pit of pain in Michelle's heart was replaced with happiness. "Holy shit! I did it. Although, could've done better in the Global Markets exam."

Peter rolled his eyes at Michelle's lack of focus. The main thing is that she passed and she didn't have to worry about any exams. 

"Michelle, you aced it! You don't need to worry about the exam. You got that first class degree and probably that internship with Quentin Beck."

Michelle beamed and hugged both the guys, urging Ned to open his. Betty simply applauded Michelle but Michelle didn't really care about Betty’s opinion. Michelle was glad to have made it and this would help with the interview for the internship. Next was Ned’s turn. He took a deep breath and handed Peter his envelope. Ned just wanted a good enough grade to get a decent job. Any job at any place would do.

“Pete. You open it! You seem to have magic hands.”

Peter gave a nod and ripped the seal off the envelope, reaching in and reading through Ned’s exam results. Ned had his eyes closed as he mumbled bargains to some greater being. Peter’s eyes darted across the paper and pride swelled in his heart. He showed Michelle the paper and Michelle had a wide smile on his face. She tapped Ned’s shoulder to snap him out of his trance.

“Ned! You did it! You passed!”

Ned’s eyes widened as he ordered them both to shut up; taking his paper and going through the results. Sure enough Michelle and Peter were right. He passed. He had low hopes and he still made.

“I passed! Betty, I passed!”

They all jumped in excitement at Ned’s achievement, Michelle and Betty hugged Ned. It was now Peter’s turn. While his friends celebrated, Peter rushed and ripped the envelope to see if he was joining the big leagues. He went through his paper and the smile of hope slowly dropped to a concern.

 Global Markets                          50 Marks                     F

Economic Structures               25 Marks                     D-

Business Modelling                 90 Marks                     D

Stock Markets                          50 Marks                     D-

Monopolies, Oligopolies,

and  Entrepreneurs                  80 Marks                     F

 Peter had not done well, in fact he did horrible. There was a sickening pit growing in his gut as the noise around him drew to a static. He failed. Everything around him blurred as his vision focused on the letters on the results paper. He looked up and noticed his friends watching him in morbid curiosity as Ned placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. His voice was slow and deep as if Peter’s brain was going on a slow decline.

“Pete. What happened?”

At that moment instead of leaning into the comfort, Peter grew in anger as he stomped away from his friends and out of the auditorium. He was stomping away when he bumped into someone who called out.

“Hey, Parker! What’d you get?”

“Fuck off, Flash!”

Peter stomped away further and reached the college courtyard, breathing heavily and feeling sweat build around his forehead. His phone vibrated in his pocket as he brought the phone to his ear.

"Peter! I've got it. The new editor's assistant at Brooklyn Nights is (Y/N) (L/N)! I finally got the job! Do you want to come later in the evening to celebrate?"

Peter felt even worse as bile was starting to choke his neck. Why was everyone doing so much better than him? Even (Y/N) got the job she wanted. Without saying a word, he hung up her call and dropped onto the floor. Emotions jumping between sadness, anger, regret. His hands tightened in his hair as he curled into himself and let the anger burn through his body.

“Peter? Don't worry. It's going to be alright.”

“Yeah Pete. Listen. These things happen, it's just one year. You'll pass next year. It's not that big a deal!”

Peter stood up and roared over both his friends.

“Damn you both! Don't tell me that it's not a big deal just because you passed! I don't need a lecture from the both of you.”

Michelle and Ned were taken aback by Peter’s remarks. They had never seen Peter in such a bad state. These results really took a toll on him. Ned tried to speak softly to get through to Peter.

“Okay Peter. Just take a moment to relax …”

“How can you tell me to relax? I thought we were in this together. Now you've gone and passed and I've ... I'm alone here.”

Ned understood Peter’s concerns. All his friends had passed and were getting ready to move to the real world. Peter was still stuck in the past as Ned tried to reach through to Peter. He knew things would go bad if he didn’t soothe Peter gently.

“You’re not alone, Peter. You don’t need to take this out on me.”

A smoking fire burned in Peter as Ned kept throwing logs of pity at him. He did not need pity and Ned didn’t deserve it. He was in the same boat as him yet Ned still did better.

“Because it's all your fault. You didn't deserve to pass either, and you know it! Maybe if I hadn't wasted my time with you, I would have passed too!”

That was too far. Ned knew he was at no fault. In fact Peter is the one to blame, with his constant invites to party and mess around. It’s no wonder that Peter failed.

“Fuck you Peter! It’s all your own fault.”

Peter gritted his teeth and flared his nose as he strutted away from his friends, Michelle’s pleas to come back fell deaf on his ears as he thundered to his car. Yanking the door open and sitting in with his bag carelessly tossed on to the back seat. The reality of the situation dawned on him as he realised that he’d have to tell his parents soon. That would most definitely end worse than the incident with his friends.

CHAPTER TWELVE: THE TRUTH IS DIFFICULT

[doinbetter]

Do you have any tips (non academic and academic) for a soon to be freshman in college? Really admire you and your success ❤️

aw thank you!! and congrats on the big change! this is super (super) long, but I hope this all helps :) 

edit: adding a TL/DR- don’t procrastinate, delete social media, have a solid work/life balance, take care of yourself, and stand up for yourself. be your own best friend. 

academic- 

a) read the textbook before class and annotate your book notes in class, if you can! i’ve found it gives me more focused time working with the material- 1) focusing on reading it and note taking and 2) not rushing to write everything the prof is saying instead of actually listening. it also means lectures are just reinforcing what you’ve read rather than being the first time hearing it, and you’ll know what you struggle with more and need to pay greater attention to:) 

b) don’t write papers in one day- the shortest timeline I have comfortably managed is research one day, outline in one day, write one day. but my ideal (for shorter papers at least) research one day, outline one day, and write a paragraph a day until you’re done. just start like... as soon as you get it. so much less stressful and more manageable. in general, I try to divide projects into more manageable chunks rather than doing it all at once. the general theme of this point is try your best not to procrastinate. 

c) I found that I did really well and was much less stressed when I treated school as a full time job- be on campus at 9am, spend down time doing work in the library, go to your classes, and be home for dinner. then relax/work out/ friend time/ self care all evening, and take at least a full day off on the weekends. don’t let school work bleed into your entire life- don’t let every hang out be a study session, and give yourself solid relaxation time where you specifically *dont* think about school. 

d) covid specific:::::::: you really need to find a way to separate school from home life, whether that means you study in a different room from where you relax, or you completely pack away academic materials when you’re done working for the day. it really consumed me for the past few months. also, if you can afford to, try to get physical copies of books, take notes in a notebook, and print out materials to work with instead of being forced to stare at a screen all day. really makes studying a lot easier. 

non academic- 

a) I would strongly suggest deleting social media and ditching the phone more often. This was the single thing that changed how I spend my time the most. I think the most damaging ones for me were instagram / snapchat, and I never had any other platforms but tumblr. just be careful with the really addictive platforms, specifically instagram and tik tok nowadays. I keep facebook for university pages / events but have never had the app on my phone. i don’t keep the tumblr app on my phone. personally, I recently redownloaded snap but I deleted everyone I haven’t spoken to in the past week / that I wouldn’t snapchat right now, so I have maybeeee 15 friends on there? and it feels a lot healthier that way. seriously- you aren’t missing ANYTHING and you’re getting your time and attention back by deleting it. ( a good book on this topic is Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport- it really changed my relationship with technology. would definitely recommend) 

b) don’t be scared to put yourself out there when it is safe to do so! for example, I signed up for a pottery class, spin class, and women’s choir, having never done those things before! and I’ve made some really good friends, especially from choir! try new things, anything you’ve ever wanted. you don’t have to be good. I promise

c) I’ll start off with saying it’s cool to hang out alone and do things alone.  I always used to say “be your own best friend.” explore the city alone. go eat alone. you won’t make best friends right away, and that’s okay. either way, I’ve found that being 100% genuine and vulnerable has gotten me SUPER far in terms of making friends. people really value those who put effort into getting to know them, and it’s obvious if your intentions are good. just be kind and open and yourself, and you’ll attract kind open people!

d) don’t be scared to leave situations that make you uncomfortable and unhappy, and to speak up for yourself. this time in your life is really for your own development, and you shouldn’t waste your precious time on people who don’t respect you or on things that don’t make you happy. don’t be scared to break up with a friend or SO if the relationship stresses you out AT ALL. good relationships shouldn’t stress you out all the time. 

e) read for fun, watch the 20 min news segments on youtube, EAT A BALANCED DIET, SLEEP, and EXERCISE. doesn’t need to be a whole book a day, doesn’t need to be a whole sweat fest, but just make sure you do at least this to take care of yourself and to stay informed. balance, my friend!!

f) I would not recommend scheduling every minute of your day on google calendar, but whatever floats your boat i guess. balance balance balance

feel free to ask me anything else if anything comes up! 

[wendibird]

Room of Revitalization

Author’s Note: So, this is my submission for @idreamofplaid ‘s Bunker Challenge. (Sorry it’s a day late!) And honestly, I have no excuse because this idea actually came to me several months before she declared her challenge. And I STILL procrastinated like a bad procrastinator who procrastinates. BUT it’s finished now, and I’m actually pretty happy with it. :)

This takes place between Episodes 14X8 “Byzantium” and 14X9 “The Spear”. I’ve tried to stay mostly canon-compliant while possibly taking a few liberties with explaining a few things or going into greater detail in some areas that the show didn’t have time for.

I signed up for: Original Room, and Sam-focused (Has a lot of his POV but also POV from other characters at times.)

Title: The Room of Revitalization

Summary: Sam has been working himself into the ground lately, trying to subsist on two hours of sleep a night or less while also being an emotional support for the people around him, and it’s taking its toll. But long ago, someone amongst the Men of Letters recognized the potential for burn-out among their fellows and worked a fail-safe into the Bunker that would activate when one of their own was pushing themselves too far. Trouble is, no one read the right manual that covers its existence, so when Sam seems to disappear into thin air, “worried” doesn’t quite cover how it makes everyone feel.

Pairings: None (Gen-fic)

Warnings: Minor language, talk of past posessions and other traumas experienced by the brothers but nothing explicit, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst, some fluff

Word Count: 6,414

Also found on AO3 

Sam tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable on the extra-firm mattress that had been in the room when he and Dean and moved into the Bunker all those years ago. Dean kept bugging him to get a new one but he continued finding reasons to put it off. They weren't hurting for funds AS much as they used to be, thanks to a few artifacts he’d auctioned off online as well as Charlie, (THEIR Charlie) showing Sam a few tips in "Creative Fundraising" as she'd called it. But even so, he didn't NEED a new mattress. It's not like the springs were poking out of this one or anything like that. It just wasn't as comfortable as Memory Foam. Which was okay. He didn't need that much extra comfort. He didn't spend that long sleeping anyway.

With a sigh he turned over again and peered at the red numbers on his alarm clock. 2:30 am. He'd be getting up in a few more hours to check on any messages that might have come in during the night from the teams out on hunts. Plus, he still had some more research to do. One group was running into some problems with some murders that weren't fitting any of the standard lore. And he was still researching ways to take out an archangel. Dean was getting more and more antsy about that. Not that he blamed him. It wasn't easy knowing that the thing that had ridden you around for a while was still out there, still causing trouble, still hurting people, and you couldn't stop it. They still didn't know WHY Micheal had just let Dean go like that. Dean didn't want to talk about that either, and again, Sam couldn't particularly blame his brother. But it still niggled at the back of his mind. Micheal never seemed to do anything without a reason.

His arm started to get sore so he shifted over onto his stomach, tucking both arms under the pillow as he tried to get his thoughts to settle. But they continued to flit around in his head like a herd of humming birds. Or would it be a flock? Did humming birds flock? That would be pretty loud. They were louder than most people realized. He remembered one time they'd been in Colorado on a case. Boulder, wasn't it? They were interviewing a witness, sitting out on her back patio, and the little jeweled things had been zipping all around them, from one feeder or brightly colored flower to another. The buzzing of their wings had almost made him think of large insects. Dean had almost swatted one, purely on instinct as it buzzed just a little too close to his head, and the nice old lady had actually hit him with a fly-swatter, scolding him for trying to hurt her babies...

...Why the hell was he thinking about hummingbirds?

Rolling back over, he looked at the clock again. 2:40.

Thing was, he was actually tired. He felt like he should be able to sleep for days he was so bone-deep weary. Not that he could. People needed him to be there, doing what he did; keeping things running. Cas and Jack were off on a small case, just a little over the border in Nebraska. Dean was about ready to jump at any sliver of a chance that came up of dealing with Michael, whether or not they could confirm it was actually a “good” chance. Ketch was still trying to track down another of those golden eggs. (Apparently, the one they'd used on Lucifer back in the day, and then handed over to Cas for safe keeping had burnt itself out on the Archangel. Now it was a pretty paper weight sitting on Storage Shelf 32-C.) Jody and the girls had just had Thanksgiving with Donna over, had invited them all too, but... there was just too much going on. Always too much going on.

At least Jack was okay though. Well, mostly okay. His soul was keeping him alive now. That was another thought that lurked at the back of Sam's mind, like a dark-colored cat hiding in the shadows, ready to pounce when you weren't looking. One of their babysitters when they were kids had had a cat like that. It’d hated Dean for some reason. Was always trying to attack his legs when he’d least expected it. Sam had managed to coax it into letting him pet it a few times. He kind of wished he could get Jack a pet. Something he could feel responsible for, that would also return his affection unconditionally. Goodness knows, the kid needed someone or something that could be there for him.

A tightness formed in Sam's chest at the thought. He WANTED to be there for Jack. He wanted to tell him that he understood, maybe better than Jack thought. He remembered being able to help people with his powers, and then not. Of feeling that helplessness when faced with a demon wearing some innocent person when once he'd been able to pull that sulfurous black smoke right out of the person without killing them. But that was all tangled up in so many other things. Things about demon blood, and the Apocalypse, and his role in it, and Lucifer and Michael, (their Michael) and... and other things. Things he wasn't ready to talk about. And Jack didn't need all of that. He still blamed himself for so many things that weren't his fault. He didn't need to hear about all the horrible things his biological father and uncle had tried to do to the world. And Sam definitely didn't want to get into what it had taken to stop them. It wouldn't help Jack to know that about Lucifer now.

And in the same vein, he wanted to explain to Jack why it was SO important to use this new magic of his sparingly. He wanted to tell him why it was imperative that he not risk his soul. Because he knew... he had two sets of memories still, of that time when his soul had been in one place, and his body and mind in another. He honestly tried not to think about either. One left him reeling in agony, even to this day, and the other left him feeling cold and hallow. But how could he possibly explain to Jack about why he'd been running around soulless for about a year and a half without explaining everything else? He wasn't even sure if he would be able to if he tried. The mind had so many layers, and those memories, both halves, he'd tried to bury as deeply as he could because his brother had been right about hell. There was no "getting over" it. It would be there, forever. It wasn't meant for mortals to comprehend, and it couldn't be fixed with some therapy and talking it out. (Or screaming it out.)

And anything else he tried to tell Jack felt like it came up short. It wasn't enough. Wasn't what he needed. Same with Dean, really. He could probably understand how his brother felt better than anyone else. But the words, or at least the right ones, always seemed to get stuck in his throat. Plus... well, some comparisons he could draw might only make Dean feel worse. He didn’t have the words to help either of them, even as he saw them both struggling, so he’d put all his efforts into helping in any practical ways that he could; making sure Jack ate right so his body would have the strength it needed, researching solutions to the Michael problem, keeping the AU Hunters organized so Dean wouldn’t have to worry as much about all the other monster problems out there, even shouldering as much of the parenting responsibilities as he could so Cas could also be there for Dean. His brother didn’t exactly have a wide support system, so he wanted to be sure he and his best friend had chances to talk. If his brother ever actually felt like talking.

2:55. Exasperated, Sam gave up and got out of bed, deciding to give the bathroom a visit. Then maybe he'd find some boring lore to read.

~o~O~o~

After washing his hands a few minutes later, he started wandering in the general direction of the library. He paused for a moment as a yawn nearly dislocated his jaw, then noticed light coming from under and around a door that was just barely cracked open. He glanced at the room number but something about it... he shook his head abruptly, trying to clear it. It was like when he'd been up WAY too long, and he'd read the same passage in a book over and over again and none of the information would sink in. He hadn't thought anyone else was up...

"Um, hello?" He knocked tentatively on the door, but there was no answer. Opening it cautiously, he peered inside and raised his eyebrows a little. It was a room with the same concrete and brick walls and tile floor as most of the ones there, but where most had a utilitarian, or stuffy feel, this was... cozy. Set into the far wall was a fireplace of green marble that had white and black veins running through it, and a fire was already flickering inside behind a brass screen. Next to it was a coordinating brass bin that held extra wood and on the other side were some fireplace tools. In front of it on the floor was a braided rug in autumn colors upon which sat a comfortable looking armchair, complete with footstool and a small table next to it. The lamps scattered throughout the room gave off just enough light to make it feel inviting without being too bright. His eyes were next drawn to a bookshelf just to the right of the door against the wall. He barely noticed the door closing behind him as he moved to inspect it more closely, finding quite a few titles that he'd often intended to read just for the fun of it but for one reason or another had never gotten around to.

Well, he'd been looking for some way to get his mind to settle... Smiling, he pulled one from the shelf. Its cover was a faded red, almost the color of creamy tomato soup, and on the front in friendly, inviting letters was printed "The Marvelous Land of Oz". Stepping over to the armchair, he settled down into it with a contented sigh. It was comfortable. Really comfortable, considering he usually found it difficult to find chairs that actually fit his long legs and torso just right. A soft, plaid blanket that he hadn't noticed before was slung over the back and he pulled it forward, draping it over his legs before propping them up on the footstool. The lamp on the little table next to him gave off just the right amount of light; enough so he could read easily without straining his eyes, but not so bright as to be glaring. Comfortable now, he opened the book and began reading, the delightful prose helping his thoughts to calm their constant whirling.

~o~O~o~

Sam was just about to start into Chapter 10, "The Journey to the Tin Woodman" when he realized he was a bit thirsty. Dreading the long trip to the kitchen when he was already so comfortable, he almost considered ignoring his thirst for now when his attention was caught by a small but serviceable looking wet-bar against the far wall, made of the deep, rich mahogany that much of the furniture in the Bunker seemed to have been fashioned from. Strange... he hadn't noticed it earlier. But, he thought to himself, he hadn't really looked THAT hard at that particular wall either. Standing up and stretching, he then padded over to it, finding everything in good (and clean,) condition. He considered some of the alcohol that was available but wound up going with just some ice water (yeah, that was fresh ice in the bucket,) for now.

As he sipped the water he took a moment to really look around the room. It had a few wall-hangings, giving the place some color without being jarring to the eyes. Most were replicas (he figured) of old tapestries. There were also a few oil paintings of pastoral settings. In one of the closer corners was an old-time gramophone, the brass edging on the black, lacquered bell gleaming warmly in the firelight. Curious, he set his glass down and walked over to it, examining it carefully. It seemed like it might be in working order. Opening the wood-inlaid cabinet it was sitting on, he found an array of discs for it. Flipping through them idly at first, he paused when he came to one titled “Assorted works by Bach”. A soft smile pulled at his lips and he nodded a little to himself as he straightened back up again. Bach had always appealed to him; something about the precision and purity of the music helped him relax in ways that few other things could. After a few moments he got it working and soon the strains of two violins could be heard coming from the antique music player. He set the volume down low, not wanting to awaken Dean, then took his water back to his chair.

As he sat back down again a feeling of peace seemed to settle over him. A cork coaster was sitting on the small table next to the lamp, (had it been there before?) ready for his glass, and as he leaned into the supportive padding of the backrest, he felt it give way just a bit, and the entire back began to lean back with just a little intentional pressure applied.

If he thought about it... this room kind of made him think of the "Dean Cave". In the way that the "Dean Cave" was the ideal place for his brother to sit back and really relax, this place was ideal for him. Had Dean put this together for him? He was pretty sure they'd found every room to be found in the Bunker, and he would have remembered one like this. And honestly, Dean HAD put his own rec-room together entirely without Sam noticing. With a shrug, he decided he'd ask him about it in the morning. For now, he wanted to get back to his book. Pulling the blanket back over his legs again, he picked it up and delved into the next chapter.

~o~O~o~

Ten minutes later he was blinking as he tried to keep his eyes open, the lower sounds of a cello now reaching him from the far corner.

Twenty minutes later he was snoring softly, the book resting open across his chest. Gradually, the lights in the room seemed to dim, even the fire itself burning down low to just some softly glowing coals which kept the room comfortable but not too hot. The seat reclined back further and Sam sighed, unconsciously pulling the blanket up closer in his sleep.

~o~O~o~

“Where the hell is he?!” Dean yelled. Again.

If Castiel weren’t just as worried as Dean, he might have found himself annoyed at his friend’s constant repetition of the same question which obviously still didn’t have an answer. But, the angel WAS worried. “I don’t know Dean. We’ve searched every room in the Bunker. We even found a few previously undiscovered ones.” “And none of the cars are missing.” Jack added in, holding up a clipboard with a sign-out sheet, listing all the vehicles the Bunker crew had. Included were the antique ones left over from the previous Men of Letters as well as the random stolen or otherwise obtained ones used for the various other Hunters who came and went. Sam had put it together some while ago when most of the AU Hunters were still using the Bunker as their base of operations. It had made things much less confusing when trying to figure out what was available for supply runs and what was being prepped for going out on hunts. Jack had thought of checking it to see if anything was missing that shouldn’t be. “All the ones not here were signed-out a while ago by people out on long-distance hunts. So, he didn’t leave by one of our cars.”

“It’s been THREE days!” Dean yelled, his voice a bit rough. He’d been doing a lot of yelling for the past two. “His phone’s still here. His clothes are still here. His laptop’s still here. Looks like his bed was slept in. But no Sammy.”

Cas and Jack both nodded. They’d heard the litany of things-not-missing since Dean had called them about two and a half days ago. They had just been wrapping up the hunt they were on anyway, so they’d made their best speed possible back to the Bunker. (Cas didn’t usually like to go over the speed limit by THAT much, but they had mainly been traveling country backroads that were mostly deserted. And Sam was missing. Neither he nor Jack had debated the urgency of the situation.) When they’d arrived Dean had already searched the place high and low, but they’d all done another, even more thorough search; not just looking for Sam himself, but for any clues as to his mysterious disappearance. Little to nothing had been discovered though. There were no signs of blood or other injury, and as Dean had just said, none of the usual personal items were missing that Sam would normally take with him if he were leaving of his own accord. (And with his cell phone there in his room on his nightstand, they couldn’t try tracking him with that.) He hadn’t left by car, or at least, not by any of their cars. None of the warding had been tampered with, nothing looked odd or disturbed outside the bunker, and Castiel hadn’t sensed any odd energies or residues that weren’t normally there. It was like the younger Winchester brother had simply vanished.

He was trying to remain calm for both Dean and Jack’s sakes, but the truth was, all of them were very worried.

“Alright,” came the thick, brogue-accented voice of the most powerful witch any of them knew personally. (And fortunately for them, she had been feeling heavily inclined towards helping them in the past several years, especially, the angel had noticed, if it had anything to do with Sam.) “I think I’ve gotten all the things I’ll need. Now, if ye’ll all just clear one o’ these tables, I’ll get this set up.”

Usually ready for a snappy comeback, Dean instead set right to work clearing-off the table in the middle; the one that had his and Sam’s initials carved into it. Cas and Jack moved to help him with it.

Rowena set down the large bronze bowl she’d been carrying and began removing items from it: several different candles, a mortar and pestle, a silk cloth in which some various herbs were wrapped, a box of matches, and a few other bottles with different liquids or other substances. Her hand brushed briefly over Sam’s initials as she considered them. “Did he by chance carve these by his own hand? Or did ye each carve each other’s?”

Dean looked up briefly, apparently taken off-guard by the question, but noticing that she seemed to be asking in seriousness, he shrugged and shook his head. “Naw, we each carved our own.”

She nodded firmly and began pouring ingredients into the bowl. “Wonderful. I can use that as a focus.” Noting everyone’s perplexed expressions, she rolled her eyes a bit. “Think of it like a lightnin’ rod. Since he carved it, it’ll help draw the energies I’ll be usin’ t’ scry for him. Now, Dean, did ye get a hair or fingernail or somethin’ like that of his like I asked ye to?”

Dean paused in his pacing, nodding as he fished a small envelope out of his pocket. “Yeah, found a few hairs on his pillow.”

Rowena accepted them while Cas and Jack stood a bit to the side, watching curiously.  Setting them carefully aside for the moment, she went to work grinding the herbs.

“Thar we go, I think we’re about ready.” Straightening up, she looked over her work again and nodded before waving an elegantly manicured hand at Jack. “Jackie-boy, would ye be good enough to turn off the lights in here?”

Nodding, seemingly glad to have something to do, Jack moved to turn off the overhead lights then each of the various table lamps. Meanwhile, Rowena began lighting the candles which were arrayed in a particular formation around the bowl with one alone, the white one, sitting directly on Sam’s initials. She lit it last, and once they were all that was illuminating the library she began chanting while methodically adding the last several ingredients. Last of all she dropped in the longish, brown hairs and the white candle flared brightly. Cas noticed that everyone, including himself, seemed to lean in closer, uncertain as to whether it was working or not. Rowena’s gaze remained fixed on the white candle, her brows slowly furrowing. “I don’t like that look…” Dean grumbled under his breath.

The red-head seemed to ignore him for several minutes as the candle flame alternately flared high then down low, almost winking out altogether. Eventually, it grew steady and even and Rowena blew out an exasperated sigh. “Well… that could’a been more helpful…”

“What? What’d you find out?” the anxiety that had gripped Dean since his brother’s disappearance plain as day in his voice.

“Well…” she paused for a moment, seeming to be gathering her thoughts more than any attempt at drama. “I found out that he’s alive, first and foremost.” The relief Castiel felt was clearly shared with the other two, if their expressions were anything to go by. “But,” she added, holding up her hand to forestall comments, “I canna tell where he is. At all. Well, he’s somewhere on Earth, I can say THAT at least. And that he doesn’a seem in bad health. But wherever he is, it’s blockin’ any attempts at findin’ him.”

Dean sunk into one of the chairs, a defeated look on his face.  

Jack looked over at Cas, raising an eyebrow questioningly. The angel shook his head though. “I already tried contacting Naomi. Apparently, I’ve “used-up my favors” in Heaven at the moment. And besides, the Enochian sigils I carved into his ribs a while back would prevent him from being found by angelic means.”

Jack nodded, though his brows scrunched up in puzzlement. “Why would you have-” “Jack.” Dean’s voice, though not raised like it had seemed to be a lot lately, still held a note of command. “So not the time for that conversation.”

Jack sighed but nodded, his shoulders drooping as a feeling of despondence seemed to settle over him as well.

Rowena, who’d begun blowing out candles and packing up the supplies after turning on the nearest lamp now paused to rest a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Don’a forget, wherever he is, he’s alive and he’s well. We know that much at least. Now, all we can do is wait an hope he returns.

Jack nodded slowly, though he felt a burning in his eyes that had nothing to do with the wisps of smoke rising from the extinguished candles. “But… what if he doesn’t?”

Rowena tried to smile encouragingly, but even she couldn’t keep the sadness from her eyes. She didn’t have an answer for him, so she just gave him another squeeze before going back to clearing-up.

~o~O~o~

Sam yawned and stretched, slowly waking up. As he did so, the lamps in the room gradually brightened and the fire flickered back to life, crackling merrily by the time he’d opened his eyes. Though he was completely comfortable, he also felt fully rested and sat up, the armchair reassuming its original configuration. At some point in the night he must have put the book on the small table because there it sat with a bookmark in it, next to the glass of still cold water. Feeling a bit thirsty, he drank down the rest of it before standing up and stretching, hearing several of his vertebrae popping.

“Might have to come in here more often…” he mumbled to himself, giving the room a last fond look before opening the door and walking back into the hallway. Everything still seemed pretty quiet, so he had no idea what time it was. (He made a mental note to see about putting a clock of some kind in there, next chance he got.)

After using the bathroom he followed the smells of frying bacon and eggs towards the kitchen. Stepping down into the room, he waved casually at those gathered, mumbling out a “Mornin’ everyone.” on his way to the coffee pot, pausing when he belatedly realized that not only had Cas and Jack apparently gotten back in the night, but Rowena was there too.

He didn’t really have time to ponder that before he was attacked by three grown men (well, two grown men and one angel,) trying to hug him all at once, and everyone was yelling, and asking him questions, and he couldn’t understand any of them cause they were all talking at once, and he was feeling very confused.

“Enough!” Rowena’s commanding voice cut through everyone else’s causing them to fall silent, though no one seemed inclined to let go of Sam anytime soon. “Samuel, dear,” she inquired sweetly, “Would ye be so good as to tell us where ye’ve been fer the past FOUR days?”

Sam’s eyes widened as he looked between those hugging him and the witch. “Four…. Days?” he responded weakly. (Cas seemed to have forgotten his own strength and breathing was steadily becoming more difficult.) The red-head rolled her eyes. “Och, will ye all let him breathe for a minute before ye suffocate the poor lad? Come on…” She tapped at various shoulders until, reluctantly, they let go of Sam who was starting to be able to breathe easier again.

Shaking his head at the shocking news, Sam moved over to the table they’d all just recently been sitting at. (Well, Cas, Jack and Rowena had been sitting at. Dean had been over by the stove cooking something.) “Dean,” he waved over towards the stove. “Think your bacon’s burning.”

Shaking his own head, his brother grumbled as he stalked back over to it. “Vanishes for days and then what does he do? Lectures me about my cooking.” There was no venom in it though. In fact, relief seemed to practically pour off of him even while doing something as simple as turning off the stove and dumping the extra-extra-crispy bacon onto a plate, which he brought over with him to the table.

While Dean was doing that, Sam did his best to collect himself as he tried to reconcile what they’d said with what he remembered. “I was here the whole time.” Reaching out, he idly took one of the pieces and began crunching on it. “In that new lounge room. Though I could swear I was just there from last night… well, early this morning really, til’ now.”

Four confused faces regarded him and he held his arms out in exasperation. “You know, that room I’m guessing you set up for me? Has a fireplace, a comfy armchair, some books, is actually decorated nice…” The faces only grew more confused and he realized now how unlikely it would have been for Dean of all people to have decorated a room like that with tasteful wall-hangings and oil paintings. “You didn’t put it together.”

It wasn’t really a question but Dean shook his head anyway.

Jack, who seemed not only confused but also getting close to irritated also shook his head. “That doesn’t make sense. We searched the whole Bunker. Several times. We looked in every room and broom closet and corner in this place.”

“Samuel,” Rowena interjected, “Why don’t ye just show us where you were?”

Nodding, Sam lead the way back down the hallway, making a few turns until he at last came to a stop outside… a mop closet? Shaking his head, he opened and closed it a couple times, but it didn’t seem inclined to change back to the cozy room he’d spent the night, (or, the last 4 days) in. “I swear, this is where it was.” He was starting to understand how Lucy from the Narnia books had felt that first time she’d stepped back through the wardrobe. Only, the time dilation seemed to run opposite in this case.

“Hold on.” Cas said, and stepped closer, opening the door again. On the inside of it was tacked an envelope of some thick, old-fashioned-looking paper. Taking it down, he turned so everyone could see it. On the outside, in neat handwriting was written:

Room of Revitalization Report for Samuel  Winchester Men of Letters Legacy

Cas turned it over and broke the red wax seal on the back with the Aquarian Star stamped into it. Opening it, he took out a sheet of paper, also written in the same handwriting. At the top was the current date then the following message:

Four days prior, the Room of Revitalization was activated due to the physical and emotional distress of one Samuel Winchester. (MOL Legacy, descendant of Henry Winchester) As per protocol 158-B the RoR provided comfort based on Samuel’s subconscious needs, releasing him once his chronic fatigue had lessened to acceptable levels.

In order to avoid future reoccurrences of this problem, the following steps are recommended:

Samuel should make all reasonable attempts to sleep for a minimum of 7 hours each night, though 8 would be ideal.

His work-load should be lightened. High levels of mental stress were detected in addition to the physical fatigue.

Several unresolved emotional issues were also detected in relation to close-working colleagues or family members, and should be discussed with them to help improve overall morale.

Several hours each day should be set aside for leisure activities.

It is suggested he be sure to ingest 3 nutritionally-balanced meals per day as well as keep himself hydrated.

Attention to personal hygiene is not only good for the body, but for his and others’ morale as well.

Had matters continued unchecked, Samuel would likely have experienced a mental and/or emotional break, as well as causing physical damage from aforementioned fatigue. We hope he will take these recommendations to heart so further intervention can be avoided.

This concludes this report, and the Men of Letters hope Samuel found his stay in the Room of Revitalization enjoyable and restful.

The signature at the bottom was next to impossible to make out.

After everyone had read it, they looked back and forth between Sam and the “report”, and for his part, Sam felt his face heating with embarrassment.

After a few awkward moments, Dean cleared his throat. “So… Looks like this place has an automatic ship’s councilor and holodeck.” He winked at Sam. “Was there a hot-chick in a skin-tight grey pantsuit in there too?”

Huffing a laugh, Sam swatted at his brother, honestly grateful for the tension-release. “Yeah, you wish. Maybe your version would feature Councilor Troi.” He started walking back to the kitchen and the others followed.

~o~O~o~

Later on that day after Dean had personally seen to it that Sam ate a full breakfast and then shooed him off to the shower, they all said goodbye to Rowena then settled down in the library.

Despite Sam’s insistence that he “really was fine now” Dean, with both Cas and Jack fully backing him up, were adamant that at least some of Sam’s workload should get redistributed. By now he should know which people could be relied on to do what so he didn’t have to micromanage everything. Jack was actually very helpful with that, having several ideas as he’d been observing the AU Hunters for some while now. And after a phone conference with Maggie, she agreed to help with organizing the various hunting parties and everyone (including Dean) insisted that they would help out with research.

After that, seeming to sense that the brothers needed to talk alone, Cas offered to go with Jack on a food run and they headed out, though not without both again expressing how glad they were that Sam was back and okay.

Once the steel clang of the door heralded their departure an awkward silence fell between the two. Sam idly scraped at some wax that had dribbled onto the table, not meeting his brother’s eyes. “Look,” they both wound up saying at the same time. After a brief chuckle, Dean gestured for Sam to go ahead. Nodding a little, the younger brother again fixed his eyes on the tabletop and the wax. “I’m sorry. Really. I know how worried you must have been.”

Dean was about to open his mouth, ask if he really did but then paused, considering, and…. Yeah. Sam would know how he’d felt. All the times Dean had died, or vanished, or been angel-napped? And then it hit him just WHAT Sam was apologizing for. “Sam. No.”

His brother looked up at that, his brows furrowed, clearly about to say something but Dean held up his hand, silently asking him to let him talk. “Look, I’m not happy that I spent four friggin’ days not knowing where the hell you were, but I’m glad it happened. Man, I know you’ve been pushing yourself. And I shoulda seen it sooner, I should have noticed how bad it was getting. And I’m glad that that “Room of Requirements” or whatever-”

“Room of Revitalization,” Sam corrected, but Dean waved it off and continued on.

“I’m glad IT at least noticed, and did something before it was too late. And… well, I want you to know, if you… you know. Need to talk…”

Sam half smiled but shook his head. “Dean… really. It’s okay. It’s just… lots of stuff is going on. I want to help Jack more, but I don’t know how. I can tell Mom’s still having problems but I don’t know how to help her either. I’m worried about whatever it is Michael is planning. I’m worried Jack’s going to run into problems eventually with his soul.”

Dean didn’t miss the expression that flashed across his brother’s face for just a moment there, that almost haunted look. He’d never really asked him what all he remembered from being soulless, but it was at times like these when he figured it was more than probably either of them would like. He was also aware of the one thing Sam wasn’t saying, the one person in his list of people he was worried about that he hadn’t mentioned. And he could pretty-well guess why.

Ever since Dean had come back, his possession, what he’d actually experienced and even more so how he felt about it, had been the proverbial elephant in the room with them. He knew Sam wanted him to talk about it, and he had to an extent… but he was also painfully aware of certain aspects of the whole situation that neither of them had come close to addressing; aspects of it that he tried to avoid even thinking about. Because even more so than the horror of what he’d experienced at Michael’s hands, what really got to him, and what lay curled somewhere deep in his gut was the knowledge now of just WHAT it was that he’d done to his brother all those years ago. But he knew Sam would never press him about it, and he just… he couldn’t talk about it. He still couldn’t talk about it.

So, taking a deep breath, he nodded. “Yeah, I get all that. Some of it you can’t really help with though, as much as you want to. Some people… well, they have to figure out their own shit, you know?” He met his brother’s eyes, hoping he’d hear what he wasn’t saying. “Sometimes, even if you know what someone else is going through, they still have to go through it on their own. They have to find their own ways to deal with it. But trust me… They know you care.”

Sam met his gaze and slowly nodded, letting what was unspoken remain that way.

Dean managed a half smile though. “But hey, maybe with Jack you two should go do something together. Hang out. Remind him that you aren’t just the “Rules Dad”, but the one who seems to really get him.”

Sam nodded, returning the half smile, though it seemed genuine. “Yeah… I think that sounds like a good idea.”

“Also,” Dean leveled a stern look at his little brother, “under absolutely NO circumstances are you to get anything less than 7 hours of sleep a night.” Sam rolled his eyes. “Oh come on, 6 is standard for hunters. And I can make due on 5 without problems.”

“Nuh-uh.” Dean was already shaking his head. “I’ll have Cas knock you out if I have to, but you’re getting your sleep. We’re not risking this happening again.” “Well, what about you then?” Sam raised an eyebrow.

“What about me?” Dean tried to look innocent but he had a feeling it wasn’t really working.

“Come on Dean, you barely get 4 hours if you’re lucky.”

“Hey, I’m not the one the Room of Recharging or whatever-”

“Revitaliztion.”

“Right, I’m not the one it cherry-picked for some enforced R&R…”

Their debate continued on in typical sibling fashion, but it was clear that most of the tension in the situation, at least for now, had been released. The spellwork that had been laid into the very walls of the Bunker long ago reverted back to its dormant phase as the crisis threatening one of its inhabitants was averted for the time being. But it would activate again if the need ever arose. Because Men of Letters tended to be a stubborn lot, and working themselves into the ground seemed to be a universal trait among them, which was why the room had been conceived in the first place. The Bunker watched over its own.

[hesflyingonbrokenwings]

Dearest V,

it's been almost one year since we last spoke, so I guess our lives might have changed a bit since then...

I hope you've had a peaceful holiday season with your family – speaking of whom, the warmest of greetings and best of wishes to them – may your parents and your cat have a wonderful and healthy start to this decade.

I went head-first into last year thinking I'd see greater changes by the end of it, but, as Oli put it quite concisely, "then I found out how hard it is to really change" – for example, I had quit smoking weed in summer and started to enjoy life free from it, only to start toking again three months later when my mental wellbeing started spiralling downwards again... in the end I have to admit that while I may have felt like I could make a meaningful change in my life, I'm still sitting around trying to find out of my depressive ways, and I'm growing more and more unsure by the day that going back to who I once was is an option at all... after all, people grow up, and I guess part of who we are is determined by our experiences... I should definitely try to seek professional help this year, so maybe over time I'll be able to create the version of myself that I need to be so I can finally stop being down all the time. While that means I may not exactly be "past me", I sincerely hope you'll like whatever person I'm going to be then.

The years we've spent side by side have shaped me in a number of ways, some healthier and some unhealthier. On the upside, obviously, there's the hundreds of memories that we've shared and that I still like to look back on every once in a while (even though I'm slightly concerned about how many of those involve weed and / or booze), the music you've introduced me to (I still enjoy your Spotify mix every now and then) and so on. What's probably more on the unhealthy side of things and might sound a bit crazy is that, interestingly enough, I still sometimes feel like you're watching my every move, judging every single thing I'm doing, and it's driving me nuts. I don't know the exact reason and it confuses me... on the one hand it's kind of annoying and a bit restrictive, and on the other hand I just want to figure out where exactly that comes from. I guess part of it is because of what I've experienced over the past years, the numerous occasions on which you've trash talked the time I've spent in relationships with other people to feel better about yourself. Then again, maybe part of me just wants you to still care, when the rational part in me reckons you probably you don't care about me anymore – I mean, why would you, you can do so much better. I don't think I'll find answers for now, more stuff to discuss with a therapist once I've found one, I guess. Then again, maybe it'll help me make saner decisions for the moment, I don't know. What I do know, though, is that I'm done with this whole trash-talking business, that is, if we start talking again, please just let me decide for myself what to make of my past... I hope this didn't sound too harsh, it's just something I might've left unsaid for too long. Oh well, and speaking of long-lasting impact, then there's like hundreds of things that still evoke your memory anyway, whether that's any mention of anything related to law school, or the former capital, or still wearing the things you gave me, or, oh yeah, living in the same flipping part of town. Also reminds me, I still haven't touched the new BoJack episodes or the Chris-chan documentary yet... watching TheOdd1sOut's Sooubway part 4 without you feld weird enough, somehow. I guess it goes without saying that there has hardly been a day this year that I haven't thought of you at least in some way, mostly thinking about how awkward it would be to run into each other on the streets, whether we'd exchange words and what the hell I'd have to say about how my life was going and what I've learned or accomplished and so on if that became the case. It obviously didn't, but I still spent some time thinking about what I'd have to say and it was interesting to observe how it changed over the year. I guess you were right about some things, first and foremost about how I should try to get myself up from the fucking ground first before attempting to build up anything in life.

That being said, there are two major milestones I've reached last year, and I hope you're at least a bit proud of me – I've used the spring semester to finally complete my mandatory internship, coding for a software company that was a pleasure to work for, and they offered to hire me as a working student right away and as a proper engineer once I finish uni. Anyway, since the office isn't exactly close to uni, I've decided for now to keep working at uni for two more years. They have been quite understanding and the offer to hire me again still stands. Since I could definitely see myself working in software development after uni, I have started working towards a proper computer science bachelor's degree which I'll pursue in parallel with my usual master's. And, what might surprise you even more, believe it or not, I've been smoke-free for more than 7 months now, and I'm making damn sure I'm not touching another cigarette or anything else containing nicotine again – fuck off, big tobacco! I almost also managed to finish my bachelor's degree, but my assigned thesis topic was so cryptic and far off from what I expected that I ended up not handing in anything at all... but I'm making sure to finish in a second attempt before the next semester starts, wish me luck!

Anyway, how's your 2019 been? Is everything alright at uni? Have you passed the bar yet, and how's your internship situation (been) going? Also, I've heard that the houseshare didn't work out (it really sucks to hear that), did you find another nice place to stay near uni and how do you like it? How's your bass journey coming along? I hope you're still having fun with the bass and I'd love to hear some of the riffs you've been rocking out to one day. (Speaking of rocking out – I don't know whether he told you, but Sebi and I have been trying to start a band for a while now. While we somehow procrastinated our way around it almost all year until recently, we've started jamming and recording voice memos, so who knows, maybe we'll have written some kick-ass tunes soon.)

Lest I forget, speaking of 2019... a very belated happy birthday! Whether or not to contact you for your birthday was a harder decision than you may think... in the end I decided to keep at a distance and not leave a message, I still hope you've had a great time (at least it probably won't have been a disappointment like the times I've been involved) so make damn sure to enjoy your remaining time at 22... because you know what Blink-182 has to say about them darned 23-year-olds.

Quick change of topic, politics is the same clusterfuck as always, isn't it? When the 12/12 general elections were announced, I was hoping so badly that Great Britain might be coming to its senses... and then the results were out, oh boy. Well, if this is what the Brits truly want, then good riddance, I guess... also, I hope the Americans won't make the same mistake this year but I'm not too sure about that... but at least the old fucker finally got impeached, about time. I know senate is likely to acquit him, but I don't want to think about that just now... for now, let's just stick with "they've finally got him."

Enough for now, I hope this note reaches you someday – if you feel like replying, just interact with this post, leave me a PM or so, you'll find a way. Just know that I still don't quite feel like I'm ready to take contact back to a normal level just yet, so it might take me the usual couple of weeks to reply in case there's anything you want me to reply to... until then I'll just go back to lurking in the shadows, trying to figure out my life while checking in on your Tumblr every once in a while to know you're okay. (Oh well, it's your Tumblr we're talking about, maybe "being okay" doesn't exactly cut it, but you get the gist.)

Best, L

[coeurvrai]

Serefin, the idiot, panics that he’s lost his eyesight until he realises it’s night time, so of course he can’t see jack shit. 

Apparently we have gone from the royal gardens to his BEDROOM, somehow! Talk about a hard fucking cut, like jfc

“This is scandalous, Żaneta,” he mumbled, resting his head back against the pillows.

“Definitely more scandalous than the prince being attacked in his own palace gardens,” she agreed.

Żaneta has her head screwed on, which is more than I can say about Serefin for the entirety of this book so far.

Apparently the assassin that Serefin “acrid sprayed” in the face survived and is in the palace’s dungeons, so that’s something; though bad news for Serefin, his father has heard about the whole thing. If the assassins aren’t ones sent by the king, you’d think he’d get better security by now.

Serefin muses that it’s probably not his father’s because they wouldn’t have failed to kill him if it was. I mean... probably not? Considering this whole thing has been that his dad has plans for his heir and those plans are murder plans. Also what’s happening with the Rawalyk? Also how much time is passing in between these chapters? How long has Serefin been back in the palace? Does time pass at the same rate in both POVs?

“My father is going to blame the Kalyazi,” he mused.

“Was it not them?” Żaneta asked, standing up.

“I . . . don’t know.” The Kalyazi did not train incompetent assassins; his eye was a tribute to that. This could have been the work of the Crimson Vulture. Perhaps his father was behind the attack and she had shifted the pieces so incompetent assassins were sent instead to give him a better chance. He hated living with a black cloud of doom hovering over his steps, certain that his future was bleak but not having any clear answers.

I mean, how do we know that? Lmao Those could’ve just been very competent assassins and these could’ve been very bad assassins, if they are Kalyazi.

Serefin makes Żaneta leave the room and Kacper comes in instead, and Kacper comments that Żaneta didn’t look too happy leaving. Kacper mentions that a Vulture is interrogating the remaining assassin.

What information did he have? An attack on his life, a plan to find a queen for Tranavia, and questions with no answers. Why was his father sending thousands upon thousands of prisoners to the Salt Mines? Why was his father working so closely with the Vultures? To what end? Why now?

What was happening?

Well apparently your dad wants you fucking dead and he’s trying to achieved godhood through blood magic and dead people, apparently, so y’know. Why the Vultures are going along with this when it’s been made explicitly clear that they only answer to the Black Vulture, their king, who knows? Maybe this is a play by the Vultures themselves to manipulate and control the king, I wouldn’t be surprised.

“Have you seen the current list of families participating in the Rawalyk?” Kacper asked.

“No, why?”

“It seems to be fluctuating,” he said. “Names of girls keep appearing then disappearing suddenly.”

“What do you mean?”

Kacper shook his head. “I’m not sure. I want to look into it, see if the girls are just getting nervous or if it’s something else.”

Serefin let out a breathless laugh. “We are so paranoid.”

I do hope that this fucking means something and isn’t a plot thread that’s going to be dropped later on in the book. I mean, that’s a futile hope considering @jefflion​ told me that the Rawalyk is pretty worthless. But oh boy, Serefin hasn’t looked at who he could hypothetically marry? Dude, why wouldn’t you?

Serefin decides that after nearly getting assassinated, it’s time to see his mum cause oh well, not the time to procrastinate.

He wasn’t sure she could help him, not with anything. But it was all he could do at this point. He was trapped in a cage of gold and iron with no door to escape from and had been given a dagger when he needed a saw to cut a hole in his prison.

Okay then, Serefin lmao Look, I’m all for that “a golden cage is still a cage” imagery, but like, chill. Being more edgy with it does not, in fact, make that allegory any more impactful.

Serefin nodded absently, before frowning and squinting up at Kacper. “Are you all right?”

Kacper blinked in surprise. “Me? Of course, why? They weren’t trying to kill me.”

Serefin eyed the other boy, taking in his dark hair and skin, the scar that cut across one of his eyebrows, and his sharp, brown eyes. He hadn’t grown up fighting off assassination attempts like Serefin and Ostyia. By all rights, Kacper should have been just another soldier in the king’s army; he was of low birth. His exceptional talent with blood magic and his sharp skills for espionage meant he had been shuffled around in the army until he was assigned to Serefin’s company. Their friendship had been struck a month into Serefin’s first tour of the front when he was sixteen. Kacper had gotten into a spitting fight with Ostyia. She broke his arm, he fractured three of her ribs, and it had taken Serefin knocking them both unconscious to get them apart.

Serefin still didn’t know what the fight was about. Neither would tell him. It had taken another week for Serefin to promote Kacper to his personal service after Kacper had nearly lost his other arm on Serefin’s behalf.

I get it, Kacper is brown, Kacper has dark skin, you don’t need to be Like That about it lmao Also that’s such a heavy-handed way to exposition your way through how the three of them met and became friends. Also Kacper is good at espionage and I’m trying to figure out whether he’s a more functional version of Azriel from ACOTAR or not...

But I mean, Azriel is a lowwwww fucking bar to clear, so I mean even if he is better than him, that doesn’t mean much tbh lol

But a “spitting fight”, fucking what? lmao Also if he’s so good at espionage, what is he doing as a common soldier in the army in the first place? Also I might just be being petty, but I still feel like rewarding a person for personal heroism and saving your life by assigning them as one of your personal bodyguards after your apparent childhood best friend got into an intense fight with them a week before is a bit of an overreaction but that might just be me.

Also, would like to know the circumstances of how and what Kacper saved Serefin’s life from but alas, we don’t get that important detail. A shame.

Anyways, Serefin and Kacper talk a bit more before Serefin leaves with Ostyia to see his mother. She seems like an utter delight.

“I have been in this blasted city for weeks now and my only son has just finally deigned to grace me with his presence.” The graceful lilt of his mother’s voice came floating down the hall. Lena shot Serefin a sympathetic look. Serefin had always found his mother to be a bit baffling. Both of his parents were larger than life, greater than reality. He had seen so little of them growing up.

His childhood had been spent with tutors and servants. His parents were figureheads who would move in and out of his life with little permanence. They sometimes appeared in the evening at mealtimes only to disappear once again at the start of a new day. Serefin had Ostyia—whose family had always lived in the palace—as well as a cousin on his mother’s side, but that was all. The cousin had left when they were still very young, off to the country for his health. His aunt and uncle were still seen around the palace, Serefin knew that much, but he had never seen his cousin again, and had eventually stopped inquiring.

Isn’t he your only child period? lol Also I’m sure this cousin was so important, as ED doesn’t bother to even give him a name. It’s also apparently the next fucking day, which is just a common theme in this book where we just jump from location to location or day to day, and expected to just follow along. I still don’t know how long he’s been at this palace, and how time passing in one POV relates to time passing in the other POV.

Serefin and Klarysa talk a little bit about the assassination attempt while Klarysa reinforces her apparent contempt for the city of Grazyk, and she’s not happy that he visited Pelageya before he visited her. I don’t know how egregious that is considering we don’t know how long it’s been since he visited her on his first day back in the palace.

Oh and Serefin describes the room as lavish, befitting of the Queen of Tranavia but we don’t get any description of its lavishness.

“Do you think I can turn the court to my side?” he asked.

She blinked, straightening in her chair. “Serefin?”

“Oh, I’m sure he knows anyway,” Serefin said, waving a hand. “I just need to know how many steps ahead of me he is.”

“Your father—” she put emphasis on the word ‘father’ as if it meant something to Serefin. Maybe once it had. Years ago when he thought he might win his father’s love. Not anymore.

“I found a cleric in Kalyazin. No one else seems to find that important. Doesn’t it strike you as a bit strange? They sent the Vultures after her, but she escaped.”

Serefin, our incompetent alcoholic prince, we’ve been over this a million times already; let’s not get into your blatant hypocrisy again. Also it’s kind of funny how this chapter just isn’t up to snuff compared to like, the last Serefin chapter. Like of course it’s better than any and all Nadya’s chapters so far, but like, oh boy.

His mum tells him that he should listen to Pelageya and her prophecies. I don’t get why, if his mum cares so much, that she isn’t doing that much to protect her only son. Like if his mum doesn’t really care about him, that’d be another thing, but we have no real reason to believe that she doesn’t so far.

“Listen to her, Serefin. I know you don’t want to. I know you think her mad. But listen to her. She could be the only thing that saves you.”

“Saves me? Yes, I’m clearly trying not to die here, but I don’t think the witch is going to help.”

“Not from your father, from the Vultures. From the gods. From everything.”

“Mother?”

“Pelageya knows what she speaks of.” His mother was speaking quickly, her voice low. She knew whatever they said would return to the king. She cast a suspicious glance toward where the wall met the ceiling, the likeliest of locations for eavesdropping spells. “I can’t help you, Serefin, you know that.”

Firstly, eavesdropping spells?! Can’t Serefin cast a spell to detect other spells or charms??? Also you’re telling me that Serefin, ultra talented general blood mage prodigy that he is, can’t cancel out any potential eavesdropping spells so he can have this conversation in peace??? WHY DON’T THEY JUST HAVE THIS CONVERSATION IN PELAGEYA’S TOWER SINCE NOBODY HAS FUCKED WITH THAT PLACE APPARENTLY.

It’s not like Pelageya cares! Pelageya apparently likes the Queen and the Queen likes Pelageya! She’s a companion of the queen!

Serefin felt cold. “What has he done?”

Klarysa shook her head. There was fear in her eyes.

She can’t tell me, he realized. If she tells me, he’ll kill her, too. What did she know that he had yet to figure out?

“Give me something,” he pleaded.

“Your father has always been a monster,” she said. “But at least he had his own mind, his decisions were his own.” She shook her head. “I fear he too has been taken by the Vultures.”

I swear to fucking god, if his dad is a fucking Valg, I will scream. I am not going through that shit again. FE: Fates already did it too and I am just, leave it be.

It was altogether likely there was discord amongst the Vultures as well. That the Crimson Vulture was working apart from her own king, the Black Vulture. But who was holding the strings?

Serefin still had no answers.

And so don’t we, about a lot of things. But that is the end of that chapter! We learn really nothing new on the whole “king is evil and corrupt” front, that he’s being manipulated and controlled by the Vultures is kind of a given. Not as interesting as this plot initially was. But still, I will take mediocrity over whatever the fuck is going on in Nadya’s chapter.

Which is up next!

[chmerkovskiyvalentin]

Q&A With Valentin Chmerkovskiy

BOOK: I'LL NEVER CHANGE MY NAME AUTHOR: VALENTIN CHMERKOVSKIY

1. In your opinion, what were some advantages you had being an immigrant and what were some disadvantages you faced in America?

I guess being an immigrant at a young age gave me an opportunity to be challenged in ways most kids my age didn’t get challenged. Learning another language different from the one I have been speaking since birth, trying to fit in while not being able to afford certain things that had social status, from clothing to vacations, whatever gave you the license to be cool I didn’t possess when I was young.

But what I realized is work-ethic and talent are the coolest things you can have at any age, and immediately the things I didn’t have became my most valuable assets teaching me some of my most valuable lessons.

2. What inspired the title of your book, “I’ll Never Change My Name” and did you always have pride in your name or was it something you had to grow to love?

I always had immense pride in my name, because my name was given to me in memory of my grandfather who passed away a few years before I was born. He was an extraordinary man whose name I wear and it’s always held me accountable, as did my last name.

Both were subject to a lot of conversation throughout my life some good and some a little more hurtful, but never did I feel less than for having a foreign name in a place I called home. It always empowered me. Being different and having challenges because of it always inspired me to be greater!

3. Have you been back to Ukraine in your adulthood? Do you feel that the American views of Ukraine as a whole are misinformed? If so, why?

I have. It’s a beautiful country with some really beautiful people. I can’t speak on American views of Ukraine because I think it’s impossible to make that assumption based on what we see on TV. I would just suggest anyone that hasn’t been, to go and visit. Having said that, to me America is home. America is where I truly grew up. And America is the country I’m most grateful for. Along with France, God knows I love croissants and Rousseau.  

4. You talk a lot about your family and culture, what elements of your family changed when you arrived in the States and what elements stayed the same?

My family has always been my foundation. It's what drives me, holds me accountable, keeps me moving and pushing. When we first arrived there was tremendous uncertainty for all of us. All of the family members had their own individual challenges they faced but it was family that was the constant. We didn't know where the next dollar was coming from but we all knew that when we got home we had each other.

My parents were truly magicians, especially my mom who with very little was always able to provide the family with a warm cooked meal and had us all congregate around the dinner table daily. I do feel that was the piece of our culture we brought to the States and haven't abandoned it still. Gathering daily as a family to check in and push one another built a very strong bond and with folks like mine, I was able to be surrounded by love and support even if outside our home there was very little of it. In terms of what changed... well everything changed.

We become what we surround ourselves with. As we moved neighborhoods and as our circumstances changed, so did our lives and our outlook on it. But no matter what, we always kept our language (speaking only Russian at the dinner table) and our family traditions.

5. How easy or difficult was it for you to find your voice as a writer? And do you feel the “authentic you” was able to come out?

I've had this voice for a long time. I always loved storytelling I just had never been able to put it all down on paper before, not in this capacity at least. The most important thing for me throughout this entire process was to do justice to the reader for spending their money and most importantly time reading my book. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't just me venting or gossiping, but that I was being respectful and accurate, and also entertaining and inspiring all at the same time.

Now, I don't think anyone should seek to inspire others but rather seek to be themselves the best way they can be and hopefully, by sharing their story others can relate and be inspired. I feel like with this book I got to be myself and share what I find important with the world. Hopefully, someone out there drew a little happiness from the read. That’s all I can ever ask for from my work.

6. What was your writing process like for this book?

I looked back at my life at a glance and just started listing moments that shaped my perspective and my experiences. I tried to then draw parallels between my past and my present, and just make some sense of it all. As the process went on, I was able to discover so many connections, so many fun moments, so many moments that made me say, "Aha that all makes sense now." Without reflection, it's hard to be mindful, and as I try to live a mindful life, I reflect a lot on the moments that brought me here. I wrote about it. This is who I am, and here's why.

7. You have such a unique life story, during your writing process did you ever stop and pinch yourself, realizing where you are now?

That "unique life" is exactly why I wanted to write this book. I wanted to share how dynamic life can be, for it's the thing that will make you look back one day and want to pinch yourself too. I’m so grateful for all the hands I was dealt in my life, the losing ones and the winning ones. I'm just grateful I got to play them all.

8. What have you learned most about yourself through working on “Dancing With The Stars”?

Patience haha. I learned how much I love to perform, how much I love to help people. To some degree, I always knew that, but 'Dancing With The Stars' showed me how rewarding it can be when you're doing what you love and sharing it with millions of people.

9. Who was someone that you danced with on the show that completely surprised you because of their dancing talents?

Rumer Willis, cause she was not a dancer. She was not someone that had danced before at all. To see her transform into a dancer was really amazing. It was actually the first time I ever won DWTS was with Rumer. It was one of the most rewarding seasons not because we won, but because I got to help this young woman find her inner strength and beauty. I was able to be a small part of her journey and contribute to her growth, all while watching her family and the world celebrate her. That was very special for me.

10. Can you talk a little bit about the dance studio you opened in Buckhead (an uptown district in Atlanta) and what you hope students get from your studio?

Like with every Dance With Me location around the country, I want it to be a place for people to feel welcome, in what can be one of the most terrifying environments for people... a Dance Studio. That is most important to me, that people are proud to be part of our little community of positivity, inclusion, self-improvement, and fun. Dance is just a vehicle for the bigger picture, living a fulfilling life. That’s all we are. Dance With Me is a place where I want people to find a little help, a little motivation, and a little joy on their path to living a complete and fulfilling life.

11. What’s the best book you have read in 2019 thus far?

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck. Don't let the title fool you, it’s a book about how to care even more... about the things that truly matter. "The Subtle Art of Caring Responsibly" just didn't have the same ring to it.

12. What’s your best advice for getting over writer’s block?

Just like getting over procrastination and anxiety... JUST DO IT. So insensitive and so simple I know, but sometimes we complicate things into non-existence. Relax. Breathe. And GO. Action is the best remedy for all the blocks in our life.

Force yourself to just take the first step, write the first paragraph and you will see that just one word turns into two and then ten and then you got yourself a story. I like to see the bigger picture in everything I do. What’s the message? What’s the point? What’s the bigger message? How is this different? I mean sure it’s all important but... breathe, relax, and START!

It’s ok if its garbage at first, genius sometimes can come out of garbage, and sometimes not, sometimes it just stays garbage. But, in this short time, we have on earth creating something is better than creating nothing, so create don't worry about the end in the beginning. One step at a time. One word at a time. One breath at a time. Not in that order, of course, make sure you breathe throughout. :)

13. What’s the best advice you have ever received on happiness?

I didn't. It's a constant search. Happiness is earned with action and adventure and movement and ups and downs in life! Happiness is in constant motion, you gotta chase it, find it, and foster it. If you're unhappy, just remember that happiness is just around the corner. But, don't take anyone's word for it, go and see it for yourself. And if you don't find it still, then go to your nearest Dance With Me. I promise you will find happiness there. Nothing like the human touch shared on the dance floor.

14. Do you plan on writing more books in the future?

I do when I have the spark. When I get this dying desire that I can’t breathe without writing it. I couldn't breathe with all of these stories in my head, I had to put them in a book. I had to share. I don't have that now. I'm actually in a state of reclusion to some degree, where the combination of spending the last 7 years on television along with 7 national tours and then writing this book, I feel like I need to step back.

I need to be a human again and live, and in living find inspiration for the thoughts that will turn into words I want to share with the world. I think the next book I write will be fiction.

[summertime-children]

WIP Challenge

Tagged by @kikithedeceiver​ (thanks~)

Tagging: @starspatter​, @cookiehoodie​ and Meli if she ever sees this bc I want a snippet of all her unwritten knkd fics (?) (and if any writer out there needs a nudge to share their WIPs, feel tagged!)

Challenge: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous.

I’ll do what what Kiki did and post titles of my WIPs with comments and short fragments of them? I’ll share here only my kagepro WIPs (so basically kidokano/Kano ones lol). A little warning before we start: it’s going to be very long lol bc I can’t finish fics to save a live and I have... lots of ideas, plus I never get to talk about them >.> Also they’re going to be getting gradually worse bc I’ll go from newest to ancient-est. (Full disclosure tho, those aren’t raw quotes from my WIPs bc some had so visible grammar errors, I just had to fix them + I always put notes in my works, like every second word lol) Here we go.

Listen

Comment: This is the freshiest one, I was writing bits of it merely the day before, and because of that I still naively believe I will finish and post it soon, so I won’t say anything more about it.

”I want you to understand. You… need to know there’s so much to love about you!”

“Haha like what?” he laughed with bitter sounding laugh, something that must had slipped as it was followed by a face she had occasion to see only a few times- a face of regret. Regret of choosing wrong words, wrong mask to put on or forgetting to put her at all.

Different ways to say it

Comment: Just a short fluff where Kano’s snarky bottomness is showing lol

“You should’ve asked ‘Can you kiss me?’ instead.”

Kano is dumbfounded for a few seconds before he snorts.

“Right.” he begins with a playful grin “Let me fix that. Can you, Kido Tsubomi, the fierce leader of Mekakushi Dan, my girlfriend, my sun, my stars, the love of my life, the love of my thousands other lives, do me an absolute honor and light up my da-“

He didn’t even manage to finish before he felt the pair of soft lips landed on his, catching his words.

New chapter

Comment: Won’t say much about it because it’s supposed to be a gift for certain someone~ But here’s a little sneak peek 👀

That was weird. They never really talked about having any pets. They talked about having kids (as much as stating that they want to make a family together during several separate occasions counts), but the topic of having pets was never brought up and in a timespan of living together and even moreso of living alone together, they already had plenty of opportunities to get one. And yet Kano always knew that when Kido pictured their future family together there was also present a small ball of fur waving its tail and he could see it in her eyes at that moment more visibly than ever.

GrimReaper!Kido x Vampire!Kano

Comment: I was very disappointed with the knkd fanwork of that one Halloween art, so I decided to write something that would satisfy me (with no success so far rip).

The black figure that merged with the ubiquitous dark hanged up the big scythe they were holding on the wall, among the collection of similar but different in sizes scythes, proceeded to take off their shoes (but then put them quickly back on, changing their mind as soon as their feet met with the concrete) and pulled off the black hood of their cloak to reveal the long green hair, something that finally stood out in the darkness, before walking deeper into the room.

I can’t wait to fall in love with you

Comment: Inspired by well, that one sentence that is in the title and lowkey (?) by Meli’s lovely fic~ It’s the kind of fic that I myself call “(not) soulmates au”. It revolves around the idea that after so many timelines of falling in love with each other, they’re just bound to fall in love again... Even when they don’t remember their past lives...

“Oh man, I can’t wait to fall in love with you.” Kido turned her gaze towards the blond lying next to her on the couch. Her widened from being taken aback by his statement eyes met his golden, cat-like ones, tinted with the strange warm spark that she could feel she had yearn for a very long time. It lasted only a second though because soon her brows furrowed and her gaze dropped from those well-too-familiar (given the circumstances) eyes to her hands.

Two cats

Comment: Set in the sort of the au where they never died? On one winter day Kano takes stray cat to his house to take care of. It’s solely Kano fic btw.

Forgetting for a moment about his own advice (why he should had kept repeating it in his head) he looked over his shoulder to see if his stalker was still there and in that moment their gazes lock. “Crap.” He couldn’t help but think ‘curiosity killed the cat’ as a pair of similar eyes to his stared back at him.

hbd kido

Comment: Product of my procrastination. (As you may tell, I have a problem with it). One year I was slightly~ more productive and was kinda disappointed that I didn’t manage to write Christmas fic. So then I thought that I could save some time and write this fic where Kido has joint Birthday-NewYear party with Christmas decorations still lying around (including mistletoe *cough cough*) just in time for KidoKano Day killing not two, but even four birds with one stone. It’s sort of high school au btw.

“Hi.” The boy tried again. His face was embellished with wide grin and slightly flashed cheeks and in his hand she noticed a can of beer. Oh no.

“Hi, Kano.” She said with disinclination. It wasn’t like she didn’t like the guy. Even more, in the normal situation, like average day in the school, she would find a conversation with him a nice or refreshing thing. He was one of a few people that actually knew about her existence and despite her previous prejudice he turned out to be a pretty nice guy.

Christmas Event

Comment: I’m not sure what Christmas event that was for lol.

For Kano it was this time of a year when his Mother would stay home the whole day instead of going to work and she would be more kind to him. Though he wouldn’t call it exactly this way (it’s not like he felt she wasn’t kind to him normally after all), but she was definitely more forgiving.

Affectionate meme Requests

Comment: Requested for the writing meme in the year 2016. Keeps it as a reminder of how big loser I am (?) (just what this post manages to do so far lol) The prompt was “love bite” >.>

From her spot she couldn’t see him quite clear, due to the still turned off lights, so it was only up to her imagination to decide whether he recollected his mask or not. Maybe it was the second after all, because excluding two golden eyes that shone at her there were two bright spots that stood out in the dark, both marked on his skin.

M!KidoKano

Comment: It was supposed to be male!Kido x Kano fic and yeah... I’m emberassed about it tbh. Like, by the fact I wanted to write it itself. Idk now I find it rather weird to genderbend only one person from the pairing, especially in the fic and for that reason I won’t share fragment from it. Sadly it’s one of my better written pieces lol and going back to it I see I made male!Kido no differnt from the regular Kido... which makes it a good genderbend I guess, but also completely unnecessary.

Angsty Kano fic

Comment: I have no idea lol There’s almost nothing written there.

Even Greater Fear

Comment: Despite what title may suggest it’s more fluffy than angsty. KanoKido family fluff where Kano gets anxious about how happy he is now and that he might someday lose it too. Featuring my knkd fankids, Naoki and Reika.   

“Mom, dad is sad!” announced Reika with reproach. This she wasn’t expecting.

“What?” Tsubomi asked out of surprise and was followed by a low groan coming from behind the couch that could belong only to her beloved husband.  

“No, I’m not.”  She watched how the expressions of her children slowly changed from the ones of concern to the ones of disappointment and disgust.

“And he’s denying it.”

Inverted

Comment: Silly engagement scenario. If I ever finish that, it'll be my comedic genius’ peak I swear (?)  

He was clearly getting more nervous, the longer the searching wasn’t bringing any results. He let go of Kido’s hand and got his another one to help him search for whatever was supposed to be in that pocket. However, after a while his movements completely stopped and with some kind of dread in the eyes he whispered under his breath, “It’s gone.”

Time

Comment: Angsty setomary fic I wanted to write for SetoMary Spring (anyone remember that?) 

When she moved out to her new family the first thing she noticed was that time has significantly slowed down. Oddly, somehow it did accelerate at the same time. It was hard to explain and she herself couldn’t understand the feeling nor did she give it much consideration, but for the first period of living in that new world, new pace of that very activity- living- has struck her.

One in a million

Comment: An actual soulmates au (with the variation of the red thread concept). It’s way too ambitious for me lol (starting with the fact that it’s supposed to be multi-chapter story). I won’t share a fragment of it bc not much’s written and bc tbh there would be spoilers, in case I ever do post it. I could write about the concept in a seperate post though because I did a lot of world-building for it. (A lot for me, ok?)

Clear and present

Comment: Ghost AU. Baby Kano hides one time in the abandoned, partly burned mantion and that’s where he meets the ghost of (scary) green-haired teenage girl he befriends. Somehow got inspired by that anthology comic? Also I would listen to this song while attempting to write it lol. Not much was written though.

What I didn’t

Comment: This one’s rare. My only attempt at writing harutaka fanfic. (Funnily enough last safe was on kidokano day?... many years ago.)  In the manga Takane was pretty excited to give Haruka a present for his birthday, but he had an attack and was hospitalized so she didn’t and it wasn’t said (?) if she ever gave it to him later. So my idea for this fic was that she didn’t and how she was now trying to give it to him after three years. Took huge inspiration from this song: {x}

She didn’t have to wait long until there were heard slow, but at the same time hurried footsteps behind the door and soon it was followed by the sound of doors being unlocked. The doors before her opened revealing the light-brown-haired boy wearing excited smile and slightly oversized green sweater with embroidered reindeer. And one of these was just the warmest thing in this cold winter world.

Sneeze like a kitten

Comment: Inspired by one line from Gravity Falls lol It was just another thing I wanted to add to list of similarities between Kano and cats and I’m sure it would bring Kido joy too ;3 But as much as I still find this idea cute it is so awkwardly written lol. I kinda appreciate that it’s from Rin’s POV and that I tried using kinda fancier English for that reason (as fancy as I knew back then lol), but I guess first person fics will always sound weird. It’s set in a different route I guess where they sort of met before the orphanage.

Soon I noticed all her glances seemed to be directed at small boy with blond hair sitting alone on the bench, a little away from the playground. At first I was fairly surprised, not understanding why this particular boy had become her spot of interest, but giving more attentive look at the boy made me instantly realize reasons of her intent glances.

Connection

Comment: I have almost nothing written there and I barely remember it, but from what I can see it must be my original idea for the “formal event” prompt from the very first kanokido week. I... think it was sort of an au where they never died and they met at some sort of fancy party held by Kido’s parents where Kano was a waiter.

Oof that’s all (I mean all from the folder on my pc, but I won’t be getting into that). For a fair portion of it, I gotta objectively say there’s absolutely zero chance of me ever finishing them, but then (aside from the freshest ones that I still have on my mind) revisiting all those WIPs made me really want to revive some of them owo (some I would have to completely re-write tho OTL)

[punjabaex]

Apologies: Klaus x Reader

request from anon// Klaus cheating on reader with Caroline

warnings// minor language, reader feels unworthy, but fluff and angsttt! also, my first Klaus one-shot, so I'm sorry if this isn't great!

You were siting on the bed in your hotel room, staring at the dark walls. Your phone had been going off for a quite a while now. You immediately turned it off with aggressiveness. You’re quiet sobs now filled the emptiness in the room. You tried to reprocess everything that had happened in the past few hours of your life. And the reason for it all; Klaus Mikaelson. Where the name would give some shudders, to you, it gave butterflies. Klaus was this unexplainable, complex, intricate being. Everybody thought of him as this self-centered, murderous ego-maniac, but nobody knew him like you did. He was this kind, caring, and loving person, and you loved your hybrid with every piece of your heart. You had been the happiest with him, here in New Orleans. The Mikaelsons were like family to you. You were treated like a Queen by everybody, but you never took that position. You were far too self-less, compassionate, kind, and loving. And that was the exact reason Klaus loved you. You put everyones happiness ahead of yours, never put yourself above anyone, and did whatever you could to make sure that people around you were untroubled. He also loved how cheery you were. Always smiling, incredibly intelligent, being awkward, and not caring of what other cared of you. You never let your sadness be shown to the world. That was just not the light you wanted to offer people. You bottled up your feelings, and you were so good at it, faking your pain, you could’ve won an Oscar. For the past few months, you had been breaking apart. Klaus Mikaelson had broken your heart, piece by piece.. You found your boyfriend of 3 years, on top of Caroline Forbes. Although you were trying to convince yourself that Klaus couldn’t have done this, you truly knew he did. A FEW HOURS AGO: You walked in to the Mikaelsons home after shopping with Rebekah, also one of your best friends,  for what seemed like hours. Rebekah had decided that she wanted to go visit Marcel, so here you were lugging in tons and tons of clothes, accessories, and other foolishness that either one of you didn’t need. You knew that today, every Mikaelsson, except Klaus, wouldn’t be home today. Elijah with Hayley, Freya and Kol, out and about, so you had the mansion to just Klaus and yourself, and you were very excited. You both did not get a lot of time alone, so whatever you had, you really did cherish. You put down the bags on the sofa, and quietly walked up the stairs to the room you and Klaus shared, ready to change out of you maxi-dress, and into some sweatpants and a tank. You could’ve sworn you heard a girl in the room with Klaus. You tried to use your vampire hearing to hear, but nothing was clear enough. You walked closer to the door, you could’ve sworn that anyone from miles away could’ve heard your heartbeat. As you peered in through the door, that was opened the slightest, tears welled up in your eyes. Klaus and Caroline were in a intimate moment. You choked on your breath, and began to walk away, ready to sprint down the stairs. But Klaus had heard you. He chased after you down the stairs, trying to slip on his clothes. 
He was yelling your name. “Y/n! Love, come back, please, I am so sorry, just let me explain”. But your thoughts filled up your mind, blocking out his words. Tears were freely flowing down your face. Klaus grabbed on to your wrist, apologizing over and over again, and all you could do was stare at him. You were utterly shocked by his actions. And then it washed over you. “Let me go, Klaus. Don’t fucking touch me” you screamed, within sobs. He let go of your wrist just standing and staring now. He knew he was wrong, that he had made a mistake, that he had just lost the woman of his dreams. He had let Carolines and his old love come in the way of the woman he was going to ask to be his for the rest of his life. You walked out of the doors, you tears covering your vision straight into Kol’s arms. “What is it, darling” he asked with worry. You just buried you head further in to his chest. Crying so loudly now. “Just stay, Kol. Please, just stay”. “Don’t worry love, I got you, its going to be alright” he said as he rested his head on yours, hugging you tight. “I just want to go away, far, far, away. I need to go, now” you said, wiping your tears after a couple of minutes. “Y/n, please tell me whats up so I can help you. You do not need to go anywhere, I’m here with you”. “Klaus, he...cheated on me” your eyes welling up with tears again. You’re not gonna cry you told yourself, nope, not for him. Kol just stared at you, and engulfed you in his arms, saying kind words. “Ill come back” you said, “ I just need some time alone to rethink” “Let me come with you, y/n” “Thanks Kol, but I just need time alone, just me and my thought”. He hugged you one last time, and you left. Now here you were. In a hotel not to far away. You knew about Caroline. How much Klaus had loved her, and how much heart break he had been through when he wasn’t able to attain her love. You saw her, here and there, when you and Klaus took a little trip to visit the Salvatore brothers in Mystic Falls. The way Klaus looked at her, you knew that love was clearly existent between the two. Everybody talked about it, too. Klaus and Caroline. The tale of the two love birds. Some saying how she was dumb not to pursue him after how much he changed as a person after being around her, and other saying that she was intelligent for not going after the man. Whenever her name came up, you sulked a little on the inside. You had convinced yourself that she was far more gorgeous than you, and Klaus had every right to like her more than he liked you. But then, when Klaus had confessed his true love for you, you forgot all about her. And yet, here she was, with your boyfriend, proving yet again that Klaus would never feel the same of you, as he did of her. And that was the one thing that made you feel like utterly and completely useless. Minutes and hours passed by, and you feel asleep. Until you were woken up by someone gently pushing your hair back, you were ready to spring up and tear the person apart, but you knew the familarity of this person. Of their soft hands, and the scent of bourbon and leather. It was Klaus. And he was crying. He saw you slowly sit up, your red,tear streaked face. You looked away from him making sure not to make eye contact. “How’d you even find me” “The GPS on you phone, love” Klaus said.  That damned phone, you thought to yourself Before you could even open your mouth to tell him to leave, he started to talk. “Y/n, I understand if you do not forgive me. I am truly unworthy of your love, undeserving of you. What I have done today, Ive never felt more bad about myself. I never wanted to hurt you, ever. That was one thing I told myself I never would’ve done. Caroline, and I, that was just the heat of the moment. I did not know what went over me. I didn’t mean to do it. The last thing I have ever wanted is to lose you, and when you walked out of that door, I’ve never felt a greater emptiness in my life. I have never valued your affection, warmth, and spirit more. I know that I am wrong, and trust me, I do loathe myself for it. For the man I am. In the past centuries, Ive been alone and broke, but when I was blessed with you, you healed all the sorrow in my life. I am beyond fortunate for you. I feel like the luckiest man for having you as my girlfriend, my lover, my support, and my happiness. And I know, I put a big tear in our relationship today, but I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, to convince you that I am worthy of your love. Forgive me, darling” And a single tear fell down his face. You wiped away the tear, and pulled him into a kiss. One that meant, forgiveness, love, and new opportunities. “Klaus, what happened today, broke me in a way that I never thought it would have. You made me feel as if I was unworthy of loving, and that I was never good enough. Ive tried, tried so hard to not let the way Aurora, Camille, or Caroline looked at you. The fact that they were far more better for you, than me”. “Don’t say that. I have never loved anyone more than you. No one is as amazing as you, y/n, and it astonishes me that you don’t realize that. Your everything I’ve wanted to be, and more. And the fact that i wake up next you every morning, and that I get to call you mine, is unbelievable to this day.  I promise you, with the enitirety of my heart, that I will never hurt you, ever again. I love you y/n,  I love you so much”. “ I love you too Klaus, and I forgive you, but do that again, and I will surely put that White Oak stake through your heart, and drop your body at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean”. You both laughed at this, and you fell asleep in Klaus arms, till morning came.

a/n: sorry to the anon who requested, I literally procrastinated this until today, and sat and wrote in 2 hours, so sorry for any mistakes! I’m just trying to improve my writing more and more, so I'm very very sorry if this isn't great (or any of my writing isn't great lol). thanks for the support, and feel free to send something in my inbox, whether it be positive criticism, requests, or if ya just wanna talk! we are so close to 100 followers, so THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THE SUPPORT. Writing and reading here on Tumblr is something I enjoy doing. Not only is it a great de-stresser, but I get to see such talented and great human beings from all over the world :))))))) 

tags: @tanjamikaelson

[archieviscom]

PROJECT EVALUATION

WHY - With this brief, my original question for was ‘Why are we scared of blood’. Once I started looking into it, I wasn’t sure on where to take it but one thing that kept showing up was the colour red and the reasons behind that being perceived as the colour of danger. I had more initial ideas for this then I did my original thought idea. I changed the question and was able to put something together. I wanted to focus to colour perception more than anything else and how this effects people. I had a few ideas that involved a more illustrative approach, something I am not the best at so when I had the idea of a short animation, I thought this would be more interesting for me and doable. 

From the start of the year, I wanted to develop my animation skills. It’s something we did in 1st year and as much as I enjoyed it, the frustration for me was my lack of knowledge on how to use After Effects. With this project however, I did not use After Effects for the main animation, it still helped progress my knowledge. I used ProCreate for the danger signs part as I had a technique being used in the past that I thought would help with the perception side of things. I used the Glitch effect to symbolise the message of the signs breaking down and ‘glitching out’ once the colour had changed. This is something I wouldn’t know how to do using After Effects.

This was a short brief so managing my time well was essential, it took a little while to get back into the grove as it was our first project of the term but once I found that grove, I think I managed my time well, by the time I had changed my question and had a plan of action, I only had two days to execute it. The pressure of this wasn’t necessary a bad thing as it did make focus and carry out my plan. 

Upon reflection, I would have liked to have upped the frame rate on procreate as it’s a little jumpy, for some reason decided 4 fps would be fine. It would have taken longer to do if the frame rate was higher but it would have been much smoother and cleaner. 

COLLECTION AND INTERPRETATION - With this project, similar to the first one, I made a bit of a U-turn halfway through. This time however, it was my fault for not fully reading the brief. 

Once I had figured out a new plan with a new idea, I was able to carry on. The one thing that motivated me for this time was keeping things authentic. From my research of Album Receipts and Receiptify I found that making the final result have the right feel and look was essential to making it work. Finding the right typeface, the dimensions, the texture were all key elements to the design. It worked out quite well as I was able to constantly refer back to the receipts I had collected to check that they had a similar feel. 

Once I had collected my data over my three shifts, I was able to work effectively. There wasn’t much I could do until the all the data was collected other get the general layout sorted. Once I had everything, I could input the data and iron out any issues. 

I would have liked to have improved on the texture for my final outcomes. Although I added a paper-like grain to it, it would have aided the authenticity of the outcome if it had more. I wasn’t quite sure how I would have achieved this so that’s something I need to work on should I do a similar project in the future. Also, as much I had do like the spider diagram-style maps, I’m not sure they fit with the rest of the look. Maybe instead of having the maps I could gone with with a more text-based approach. I could have used the coordinates instead, I think this would have looked better and tied in nicely with the rest of it. 

INTERVENTION INTERPRETATION - This was by far my favourite project this term. I didn’t think it would be but once I got into it, it was extremely enjoyable. There was a bit of software learning curve as I decided to use Glyphs which made it a bit more time consuming but I am very glad I went down this route regardless. I still have a lot to learn in this department, with software and general knowledge on type design but it’s something I definitely want to pursue. Once I had the idea of using my Morris Minor, I thought the best place to start for this would be to look more at the history of car design and more specifically Sir Alec Issigonis, the designer behind many classic British cars including the Morris Minor. This helped inform and motivate my design decisions throughout my process. Something that also motivated my design decisions was the idea of making the typeface a classic and vintage feel to it. I think if the typeface had a sleek, modern design, it wouldn’t have been true to its inspiration. I was influenced by art deco-style design for this. I know that the eras don’t quite match up but the decorative design elements from this period guided me though some decisions.  

This along with the other two projects had a much shorter time line to anything I was used to. As stressful as this can be at points, I much prefer doing it this way as the pressure really helped me knuckle down, it helped me make quick decisions instead of procrastinating and putting tasks off. 

I did struggle greatly with the posters, I am still not 100% on how any of them turned out but I just couldn’t get anymore out of them. I did plan on using the week or so  period at the end of the projects to focus on them but I had other tasks to complete that were necessary for hand-in. I also needed to focus a bit more time on the numbers on my font, they are functional but they could most definitely do with some adjustments. Again, if I hadn’t left other parts to the last minute, this would have been achievable. 

15 MINUTE CITY - This project was a weird one for me. The project itself is great but I just couldn’t connect with it and I’m not sure why. But regardless, it needed to be done and it’s good practice for industry. 

I was able to come to a decision on what I wanted to create for this project fairly quickly, I think working as a team at the start was extremely beneficial, I don’t think I would have arrived at my idea if I were doing it alone. Once I had decided on creating the parks, I just had to focus on the visual system. My main inspiration for this project was Porto. From the presentation, it really stuck with me and it guided me through my design process. 

This project, as well as all the others however, could have benefited from more research. I had a similar problem in 1st year. I do jump the gun almost and start on the practical side of things too soon. I think more research for all projects would have helped make more informed design decisions and would have given me greater knowledge to work with. Moving forward I need put a bigger focus on the this, I think the results of doing this would be almost priceless and would be reflected in my final outcomes. 

With this project, I was able to develop my skills within animation, something I really wanted to do at the start of the year. I am still a long way off from where I want to be in regards to my skill set but this was extremely beneficial. 

I was very grateful that even during all this Covid drama, we could still go on to campus and Ben was on hand to assist us with any questions and problems. This, along with YouTube tutorials on After Effects greatly helped me to achieve my goals.

We had much longer to complete this project then the previous ones. This was beneficial and allowed me to take my foot off the gas ever so slightly. This is was good but also bad in ways. Pressure makes most people perform better and I felt that with the previous projects, as mentioned previously, it stopped me from procrastinating and urged me to make quicker decisions. This was lost on this project, I later paid the price for this as everything came down to the last minute,something that I feel is reflected in my work. 

Overall, I am happy with what I was able to create for this project but I wouldn’t consider it my best work to date. I would have liked to have created a larger body of work and have it to a higher standard.

[maritzaerwin]

Why Getting Things Done is The Best Productivity System For You

My Instagram bio begins with, ‘A procrastinator by profession…’ while most of you may think I am just trying my hand at self-deprecating humor to gain attention, I am actually not.  I woefully admit that I am a full blow procrastinator, and while it makes for a cute Instagram bio, it is the biggest hurdle in my path to success.

If you, like me, are indulging in the sins of productivity, then you know exactly what I am talking about. Procrastination eats up my work hours, so I am left racing to complete my work at the end of each day like a mad man.

Having read my doleful story, it should come as no surprise to you that I am willing to try everything to get out of this self-destructive habit. In my day, I have tried several personal productivity programs, but I have to admit that none have been as effective as the Getting Things Done productivity method.

I have been practicing the method for the past 2 months, and so far, so good! I am tentatively hopeful that in a month or so, My Instagram bio might say something different. Encouraged by my success, I have decided to share my experience of GTD, and why I think it’s the best productivity system, you will ever need.

Of course, no personal development method is perfect. In fact, it is impossible to find a system that is suited for every person. Some people prefer visual systems, while others are biased towards tactile development systems. To make sure that I am not wasting your time with a one-sided view, I have included an objective assessment of its pros as well as cons.

So without further ado, let’s begin!

The Getting Things Done Productivity Method

The Getting Things Done or GTD is a personal productivity method was proposed by David Allen, a world-famous productivity consultant in a book of the same name. Mr. Allen claims that the GTD is a work-life management system which enhances the productivity in every individual by helping them become clear-minded, confident, and focused.

In simple terms, GTD is a method that helps you manage your time efficiently so that you can meet your work commitments in a stress-free environment. Today, people lead busy lives; most of us are trying to manage work alongside our familial obligations, both of which are becoming more demanding by the day. The GTD system helps you maintain a schedule that allows you to complete your work efficiently so that you are more attentive and happy in your personal life.

The Basic Idea of GTD

The underlying idea of GTD is Written Organization. The productivity system elaborates that you should write personal and professional tasks in separate to-do-lists so that you can free up your mind and focus on the task at hand.

Penning down the things you have to do carries the following advantages:

Decreases the chance of forgetting a task.

You spend less energy trying to remember the tasks you have to do

Once your mind is free of the mundane, it can focus on the actual task at hand.

Your mind is clearer, sharper, and thus more productive

You can evaluate your work, divide your task into subtasks, identify areas of weakness, and make preparations for improvement.

The 5 Steps of Getting Things Done (GTD)

1. Capture

Collect your ideas, tasks, and appointments.

The first step is about writing, recording, and gathering anything that requires your attention to a collection tool. You can keep a record physically, such as in a notebook, a file, or even a piece of paper. Similarly, you can also collect your ideas in an online tool such as an MS Excel spreadsheet, or a dedicated task management software.

Sorting your tasks, ideas, and appointments into an inbox can take time. It is the lengthiest step of GTD, but it is worth it. Once you have organized everything, you can simply add new tasks to the inbox as they arise.

2. Clarify

Once you have put everything in writing, you need to process the content and decide where they belong in the GTD system.

To do this, ask yourself the following questions:

What type of task is it? Personal or Professional?

Is it Actionable? – Yes, No, Someday

Which action should you take? if the task is actionable/if the task is not actionable.

GTD recommends sorting each task by importance, scope, and urgency so that you can complete each task on time in the most productive manner.

See it this way; when we don’t write things down, and we don’t sort them, we often end up doing tasks that were due tomorrow instead of the one’s due today. I have often spent 5 – 6 hours working on a task and patting myself on the back for excellent work, only to realize that this work was not that important after all. I could have utilized the hours to take care of a more important task.

With GTD, there is no fear of misappropriating your time; because you write and sort everything beforehand.

Here is what the clarification step looks like:

3. Organize

Once you have identified all the actionable items, it is time to assign them to temporary trays/folders/lists. The GTD system recommends the following:

i) Appointments > Calendars

To keep your tasks organized, it is best to make separate lists. The GTD system recommends that all appointments should be scheduled on a calendar. The appointments can be personal as well as professional. You cannot record tasks-to-do in the calendar, only appointments go here.

ii) Multistep Tasks > Projects

Tasks that have multiple steps should be assigned in the projects list. David Allen says that any task that has more than one step is a project. A project can be personal as well as professional. It can be anything from writing a new book to repainting your house. Add all of your projects in the projects list. Then assign the next actions to each project and then set specific deadlines for each task in the calendar.

For example, let’s say you are the marketing chief of carpet cleaning London, a professional carpet cleaning service. You want to open a new branch in Bromley, and you plan to conduct a market assessment survey.

Here is how GTD would recommend organizing this project:

iii) One Step Tasks > Next Action

Keep a separate Next Action folder for non-project related tasks. These tasks can be context-specific, and therefore you can divide them into separate lists such as events & occasions, holidays, phone calls, errands, and client meetings, etc.

iv) Reminders > Waiting For

Finally, set reminders for all the tasks that you are waiting on. We do not work in isolation; most of the time, we are waiting for someone to complete their job so they can begin ours. For example, a content writer is dependent on the SEO expert to assign them a topic to write about. SO unless the SEO expert completes their job, you cannot begin yours.

On the other hand, you may have delegated some tasks to other people as well. GTD says that you should set reminders to follow up on these pending tasks and check their progress. Schedule expected completion dates in your calendar, so you are prepared.

4. Reflect

You may think that once you have organized all the tasks, your work is done. No, you must review and update your inbox regularly so that you don’t miss anything.

Checking your inbox and lists regularly gives you a quick view of which tasks are due so that you can focus on them. If you put the tasks in the folder but never look at the folder, you will end up wasting time trying to remember what was in the folder.

Therefore, review and update your GTD system regularly.

We recommend the following schedule:

Collect — write down all the ideas or tasks that you have to do at the end of each week.

Inbox — put the new ideas into the inbox weekly.

To-do-lists — check your to-do-lists every day to make sure they are up to date and take tasks from them. You will also have to move tasks from due to complete as you progress.

Project lists — check your list every day to see if you are on schedule, which tasks are pending, etc.

Someday lists — check twice a week to see whether you want to trash the project or continue with it. If you want to continue with it, decide on a date or defer it to someone.

Calendar — Check your calendar daily for appointments

Waiting for lists — check them daily to send reminders and follow-up.

5. Engage

Now that you have your system in place, simply do the task.

Choose your task according to:

Priority.

Context.

Time Available.

Energy Available.

Priority —your system will tell you which task is the most important, start with that one.

Context — using the GTD system, you have created several context lists. To be productive, you should choose a task that is relevant to the context you are in. For instance, if you are commuting on the train and have some free time on your hand, you can go to the context list responding to emails and do that. If you decide to make a formal call on the train, it may not be as productive because of distortion, noise, and other interferences.

Time Available — how much time do you have? If you have 10 mins to complete a task, don’t choose a big one which you will have to leave halfway in.

Energy Available — Our energy ebbs and peaks throughout the day; the flow is different for everyone. Don’t pick an important task when you are low on energy and vice versa.

Why I Think GTD is the Best Productivity Method for You?

1. The Most Structured Productivity System

An explanation of the 5 steps above gives you an idea of how well structured this system is. Every task, idea, and appointment you have is clearly sorted and labeled into relevant lists and folders for easy access. It saves a lot of time and energy so that you can focus your mind on the task at hand.

2. All in One Productivity System

The best thing about GTD is that it helps you manage both personal and professional tasks for greater overall productivity. Most systems either focus on one or the other. If you are using GTD, you don’t need a separate productivity method for your personal and professional life.

Most organizations focus on one aspect of employee productivity; when in fact work-life balance is essential for higher efficiency. It can be argued that organizations can make use of GTD to improve the time management skills of their employees for higher employee satisfaction as well as higher productivity.

3. It is a Reliable System

If you are someone who frequently forgets what they have to do and misses appointments than this system is perfect for you. This detailed method will help you keep track of all your tasks and appointments so that you are on time every day.

4. Makes it Easy and Doable

Most of us keep delaying something because it is too big; our minds become daunted by the enormity of the task and so we end up not doing it at all. I, for one, stress that it’s a big project, and I won’t be able to complete it in time, and the stress makes me not touch the project at all.

GTD breaks each project into smaller tasks that are manageable and easy to do. We say to ourselves, ill complete this sub-task and then take a break. This motivates us to complete the whole project within time.

5. The Most Productive You

With GTD’s help, you choose the tasks that are most urgent and important and do them when your energy is high, and your creative juices are flowing. In short, this method literally guides you into making the best use of your time.

In addition, it frees you for personal time. Most often, we don’t complete our work on time and end up bringing it with us to home. It puts a shadow on family time, movie night, an evening with your friends, and your own mental health. GTD lets you complete work on time, so you are free to enjoy your personal time fully.

Some Drawbacks of Getting Things Done

1. Time Commitment

You need to invest a good chunk of time collecting, clarifying, and organizing your tasks. Although it is extremely easy afterward, it does require a little effort initially.

Secondly, it is a complex system. Don’t expect to learn it from a five-minute tutorial online. You will have to invest in time and effort to learn the system to benefit from it fully. To some people, it looks more trouble than its worth.

But believe me, every good thing is hard to get. Invest a little time for a lifetime of productivity.

2. It’s not a Daily Planner

GTD helps you make the best use of your time, but it is not a daily planner. If you have trouble setting goals for yourself or want a system that schedules your entire day, GTD is not for you.

3. Not for the Type B

The comprehensive planning and rigid structure of GTD make it favorable to people who prefer structures, analytics, and organization. On the other hand, people who find spontaneity to be productive will not find value in GTD.

Conclusion

Getting Things Done is a world-famous personal productivity method that works miracles, but not for everyone. For people who think that organization and structure can help them make better use of their time, GTD is the best option there is. Its comprehensive structure and organization make it one of the most reliable productivity methods.

I have found that I can get more done as I follow the simple and clear structure of the GTD. However, people who don’t like being constricted with schedules may not find it useful.

What do you think? Are you willing to try GTD to increase your productivity?  

The post Why Getting Things Done is The Best Productivity System For You appeared first on CareerMetis.com.

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August 8th – September 30th, 2017 I’ve made a decent amount of deep life posts already, but this one, the sort of heart of it all, I’ve been wanting to write for a while. Especially in the past few months. And no, it wasn’t all procrastination. I’ve actually been busy. (But I mean, there was a fair bit of procrastination too.) (Quick note, I started writing this on August 8th, 2017. I got busy and procrastinated again but I’ve finally finished it so here you go.) I can’t think of any way to make this all make sense at any starting point, so let’s just rewind and do this the best we can. Basic life story first: The first 5 years of my life were great. I was born to and raised by God-loving parents who always wanted the best for my siblings and I. (And they still do.) I don’t remember most everyday life from back then, as it was all over a decade ago, but I do remember a few very prominent things: 5 little kids playing at home with 2 happy parents, being told to shush it in adult church, but having a blast in Sunday School, and having a number of close friends I played with pretty much all the time. But then things changed. When I was 5 years old, my family moved to a different city. This is where I currently live. We’re still only about 3 hours from our old town, but it’s not like we can just go there and back every day. And a 5 year old kid isn’t about to start writing letters to his friends. Because of this, these friendships started to fade. We’d still see each other sometimes, and on occasion still do, but the fact of the matter is, it’s not the same. (That sounds especially dramatic, considering I was only 5.) For the next 8 years it was pretty much just my siblings and I at home. Mom and Dad were always there too, but there’s a difference between kids and adults. My 4 siblings were my friend group. My parents were my parents. One might ask, “Why didn’t you just go out and make friends?” A valid question. That’s a normal thing kids do, right? That’s how you find the people who will always stick by you from the time you’re 10 to your final days. Right? Well not to bash on my parents ways of... well, parenting, (I feel they’ve had enough on this subject and my views have changed as I’ve grown older) but for the most part, we weren’t really allowed to just go and do that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents to death and I know they did and still do what they believe is the best for their kids, but when you’re younger, you don’t see that as well. You see it as “Why are they keeping us locked away from the world? Why won’t they let us have just one friend?” No, we were not kept in a cellar and let out one full moon a year to experience the outside world. We were allowed to go biking around the neighbourhood, we were allowed to respond to someone on the street if they talked to us (unless they were quite obviously someone you don’t want to be stuck in a back alley with). But if a kid we met at the park ever invited us over to their house, that’s when things got “sheltering”. Now, at 17 years old, I totally understand why my parents did what they did, but back then I felt like I was being cheated my freedom. My right to connect with anybody. If someone invited us over to their house, my parents’ response went something like this: “We’d have to talk to their parents first and get to know them a bit. We don’t want you going to a stranger’s house that could be potentially dangerous or a bad influence.” Again, I hated every bit of that when I was younger, but now, I honestly thank my parents for it. If they didn’t watch over my siblings and I like that, who knows what could’ve happened? Anything. Down the list from the teeniest and almost unnoticeable things to being caught in the middle of a drunken screaming parental fist fight. Even though I knew that what my parents were doing was right, it didn’t really make it any easier. If anything, it made it harder. Especially as I got older. When I joined my first soccer team, when I started my first job, or even when I went to that one family reunion on my Mom’s side. Most of the people I met were nice people. Average folks, just not the type of people you’d want to hang around all the time. And even if they were really nice kids, I’d always felt that I didn’t have the right to keep the connection. (Maybe not exactly that, but that’s the best I can explain it.) I’ve never felt that I could keep a friendship alive from just meeting someone one day. Or if there was a nice kid on my soccer team, I’ve never felt that I’m, for lack of better words, “worthy” of their friendship. I’ve always felt like everyone I meet is inherently better than me and worth more than my time. I was never one of the “cool kids”. Everyone was always greater in my eyes. And especially as I got older and these people started talking about their weekend parties, all the drugs they did, and all the people they’d slept with. From me, nothing against them. I always thought, “If that’s how you want to live your life, go for it. It’s just not for me.” All this combined (along with the big fact that I never went to public school, where a lot of people make friends), I think it really helped mold me into who I am today. I don’t have any kind of mental illness or even huge anxiety issues, I’m just more of a shy person. I don’t really know how to just go out there and make friends. And I think I have a good enough excuse for that. I haven’t had all that much experience. My parents didn’t shelter me from the world. In fact, they exposed me to a lot of it that most parents would hide their kids from. However, as a kid, it still felt like sheltering. This started to change when I was 13. After a couple bad years in a row of homeschooling with Mom, my parents decided it was time to look at putting my siblings and I in an actual school. This turned out to still be homeschooling, but a level up from what we were doing. We went from a computer program and Mom as the overseer to a website with real teachers and classmates across the country. Real people that you could actually talk to, even if it was just online. A step up. This was the start of me and my siblings actually having friends since we moved in 2005. None of us lived in the same city, but we could see each other at school conventions and the odd meetup once or twice a year. (Ok so there’s actually one friend we’ve had for a few years who lives in our city and used to be in our church so shout out to you Lizard. You’ve been around when literally no one else has. And I’m sorry it took me longer than the rest to actually become your friend. But I’m glad I finally did.) So now we had friends. A step up, but still. We all got to see each other once or twice a year. 3 times if we were lucky. And unfortunately skype chats and e-mails simply aren’t the same as face to face. So everyday life was still pretty mundane when it came to the social side of things. It’s been pretty steadily mundane for the past few years. Up until recently. At the beginning of this summer, I received an e-mail from the directors of the camp that hosts our annual day camp convention with our school (the one constant time we get to see friends from school). It’s 2 days a year so I’d been there 8 days total. I’d been told about the full on summer camps they do every year, but was never really interested. Mostly because no one I knew would be there. The long and short of the e-mail was them asking if I wanted to be a cabin leader at their camp this summer. It was hard to take seriously. They wanted me - shy little me - to go and lead kids for a summer? Lead kids? Sure I’ve helped out in Sunday School for a few years now, but that’s far different than leading a whole cabin full of kids day and night for a number of weeks. I told my mom I’d think about it, but what I really thought was “LOL forget it. The only thing I’m going to do there is be insanely insecure in front of a bunch of people my age that I don’t know and are obviously way better than me at everything, as I’ve always assumed everyone is, and then just break down because I can’t lead anything, let alone a bunch of hyper kids.” But after it tossed and turned in my mind for a while I thought “Whatever let’s do it. What’s there to lose? If everything goes wrong I never have to go there again. It’ll just be the scariest time of my life.” And wow was I wrong. I mean yeah, it was quite scary at first, but everything is and this turned out to be one of the best choices I’ve ever made. I arrived at the staff training week all nervous and shaky, ready for anything to go wrong at any minute, but it turned out to be the complete opposite. Everyone there was so welcoming and accepting. Meeting people was scary, but every one of them was friendly and I felt calm enough as time passed. I won’t go into detail on all the things that went on during camp, but here’s the key stuff. I was there for a total of 5 weeks. The first day I was there I made a small number of friends already. (Much to my surprise. They caught me off guard when they offered to let me sit with them that night.) I made a lot of connections during my time there. I have kept most of those through social medias and there are multiple meetups and retreats and other opportunities to keep those connections alive in person. Much more than the twice a year school meetups. This is starting to lose direction and get messy. The basis: I have friends now. Not that I didn’t before, but closer friends. People I’ve spent weeks at a time with, instead of hours. For the first time in over a decade, I have closer friends with a much deeper connection. It’s so new but I love it. (This bit’s going to add to the cheesiness so much…) For the first time since my 5 year old friends I feel like I’m worthy of these peoples’ friendships. It feels like a mutual thing, not me looking up to someone not expecting acknowledgement back. (I swear my life is not a high school sob story drama movie, it’s just how I seem to write.) I don’t know what else to add, but the bottom line is that I’m extremely happy and feel alive again with real people in my life and more of a purpose to connect with these people. During the staff training week at camp everyone had a turn (that you had to take) to give a sort of testimony. These often included life stories. When it came my turn, I had everything prepared. It was all laid out in my head. What I was going to say, when each part was, how it all fit together. However, when I went up to tell my story, I couldn’t. The moment I saw the dozens of people filling the room I blanked. I forgot pretty much all of what I just told you and gave a very brief and bland testimony. This writing was my first shot at trying to get it all out. Everything I wanted to say that left my head then. But I feel a lot more confident now around those people so I think it’ll go a lot better next year. But for now, this will have to do. It’s incredibly messy, I’m sure I forgot a couple things, probably got a bunch of stuff mixed up, and definitely rambled on too much. But I’ll have to deal with it for now. Until next year. It does feel good to get most of it out though. Even if no one reads it, I’ve written it all out for myself. That’s really the only reason I wrote it for now. For me. Until I tell everyone else properly. (In case it wasn’t clear in this post, it’s not. It’s not clear. This whole post. As with pretty much every “life story-time” kind of thing I write, I knew everything I wanted to say, but I had no clue how to line it all up and fit everything in with it all making sense and not completely falling to pieces.) Alright I’m rambling again. It’s 12:16 AM. I’m not happy with this writing because it’s such a mess but oh well. Good morning I’m going to sleep now.

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Master This One Key Mental Concept You Need For Better Relationships, Work and Life.

A friend of mine shares a terrible habit with me: shopping addiction. When either of us are upset or stressed or just generally too overwhelmed to do anything, we turn to our favorite stores. Buying something new is an instant way to feel better. The satisfaction is this feeling of “yay, new stuff!” and it seems to temporarily replace all the bad stuff going on in our lives. But it’s short-lived gratification. After all, none of us are so wealthy that we don’t experience buyer’s remorse now and then.

The two of us had an “ah-ha!” moment when we were told our brains are coping with our mishandling of money by doing all that shopping. See, the money we are spending on quick fixes could have just as easily gone into savings or an investment account. But that doesn’t feel like a realistic goal. It’s so far away! It’s easy to understand instant-gratification-when I buy something, I have it in my hands immediately. I love that! How am I supposed to get excited about a large savings account if I won’t be able to see that it’s large for years?

Sound familiar? Probably so.

Delay-gratification seems wholly dissatisfying at first. But if we could accept the concept and start living by it, imagine how much stress would melt off our shoulders. Money is relatable, but you can take it a step further, too. Think about your last bad relationship. Did you stay in it so you wouldn’t have to be alone? This happens all the time. It’s “easier” to stay in a relationship and know you have a partner than to be single and not know if you’ll wind up with someone.

Instant Gratification is Just pleasure, Not Happiness!

When I blow all my hard earned money so I can quickly feel better about my life, do I feel better? Sure, for about five minutes. Then I’m overwhelmed all over again and stressed about how much money I just spent!

And what about that bad relationship you stayed in. Were you happy? Of course not! So why do we settle for unhappiness just to avoid practicing patience? The root of the problem comes down to how badly we want to get everything we desire instantly. No waiting required. Personally, I can’t recall a switch being flipped in my brain that suddenly made me this way; I feel like I’ve always wanted instant gratification. With shopping, with success, with my love life…everything. But there are habits in my life that could be making things worse.

Social Media Could Be Forcing You to Settle When It Comes to Happiness.

Unfortunately, your obsession with social media could be partially to blame for instant gratification over happiness.

“We gain instant feedback from our devices, because we’re constantly plugged in and turned on. Social media gives us the ability to upload videos, photos and status updates…Because our devices are ubiquitous, our connectedness is constant. There’s very little patience required. We even expect business growth — phenomenon long considered to be gradual — to happen overnight. Like the viral explosion of a YouTube video, we want to hack business growth for viral expansion. The pursuit is admirable, even if the results aren’t always what we desire” – Neil Patel [1].

How To Sustain Your Motives To Wait?

1. Be more aware to your actions

The next time you find yourself habitually reaching for your phone to scroll through Facebook or see how many new likes you have on Instagram, stop and take a breath. If you’re a visual person, keep a tally sheet and mark a line for every time you resist an urge [2].

2. Feeling uncomfortable is just temporary

When you find yourself seeking that instant fix, count to ten and try to understand why you’re so anxious to get something done instantly. Maybe you won’t know at first. That’s okay. But maybe you will realize you just feel uncomfortable without something to do or focus on.

3. How would you feel 10 minutes after taking actions?

You know when you’re binge-watching Netflix and realize you’ve eaten a whole bag of chips or sweets? You weren’t even hungry, and yet you ate all that junk while your brain was on auto-pilot. Practice some presence today and every day. Do things in a way of awareness and thoughtfulness.

4. Be patient with your own progress

Guess what – you didn’t develop the need for instant gratification overnight. So why in the world would you expect to break that habit overnight? You won’t and it’s okay! When you give in to that disappointing instant-gratification over delay-gratification, allow yourself to be disappointed in yourself and frustrated. Then make a conscious effort to do better.

5. You don’t ALWAYS need to be too hard on yourself!

If you would be truly happy by giving in to the instant-gratification like urge of eating a donut, awesome-do it! But if you know you would feel guilt afterward, opt for something else. Either way, applaud your conscious effort and realize how nice it feels to do something for happiness and not just the need to get something done quickly.

How delaying your enjoyments can benefits different parts of our lives?

Whether you realize it or not, your day-to-day actions are filled with choices made in an effort to achieve instant-gratification. We don’t have to wait to travel anymore thanks to Uber. We don’t have to worry about stopping what we’re doing to get food thanks to UberEats, PostMates, Seamless, etc. We don’t even have to get groceries ourselves anymore with grocery stores delivering or third party services like InstaCart.

So why would we expect our brain or heart to function any differently? We expect everything to happen instantly, and often without much effort. Yet even with this happens, we feel unfulfilled with the results. We are so disconnected with our own selves that we have trouble recognizing when we are settling vs. when we are ready to try delay gratification. Imagine how incredible it would be (for yourself, for your relationships, for your career) if you could make choices based on long-term happiness and satisfaction and not just instant-gratification and a quick-fix.

Work: When you make professional choices for instant gratification, you often wind up cutting corners and making more work for yourself in the long run. In order to achieve less procrastination, more willingness to practice and do hard work, you have to master delay-gratification and know that even though it may not be until the end of your business quarter, you’re going to be so proud of your success and accomplishments.

Relationships: It takes time to get to know a person before falling for them. While it may feel nice to accept a date from the first person who asks, imagine how much better it would feel to wait for a date with someone you truly have interest in. And if you’re already in a happy and committed relationship, practice awareness when it comes to communication. Sometimes it can feel like torture to sit down and talk about the other person’s day when you could be checking social media or sending out important emails, you’ll have a better relationship in the long run.

Health: This is an obvious for so many of us. Do we take the time to prep meals for a week and eat well and feel better, or do we rush through a fast food restaurant on our lunch break and grab an unhealthy meal in a short amount of time? If you practice delay-gratification with your food habits, you can have less binge eating and even a more passionate relationship with exercise and health.

Happiness: Do you ever feel like you have to work really hard to be happy? If you focus more on the last four points, you won’t have to put in that effort because the happiness will be an automatic result! You won’t have to chase for it, and you can feel it more deeply and in everyday life. You are less likely to become defeated because you know accumulated failure and lessons learned contribute to greater happiness later.

I don’t know about you, but life-long happiness sounds a lot better than a quick-fix. So what do you say? Are you ready to start delaying your gratification?

Reference

[1]^Entrepreneur: The Psychology of Instant Gratification and How It Will Revolutionize Your Marketing Approach[2]^Zenhabits: Gratify 

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5 Apps To Download In case you're Having Courting App Withdrawal

Whether Relationship apps are causing a “Relationship apocalypse” or are merely the easiest manner to get a date, there’s no denying these tools had been overall game changers inside the Relationship scene in the previous few years. And even though Courting apps are most famous among millennials, consistent with the latest Bustle survey with Dating app Happy of over 1,000 Relationship app users, seventy-eight percent of ladies and eighty-five percent of guys still want to satisfy people IRL.

This is why for the second one year in a row, Bustle is deeming April, “App-less April” and encouraging our staff and readers to delete their Relationship apps for 30 days and meet people the manner: offline. With contributors monitoring their development and hints and tips from Courting specialists, we’ll be helping you experience empowered to fulfill people IRL all month lengthy.

Apps To Download

I’ll admit it: I’m addicted to Dating apps. Swiping thru Tinder have become a part of my day by day recurring. Once I’m making breakfast, I’m swiping. When I’m walking to the store, I’m swiping. If I’m waiting on-line, I’m swiping. inside the center of dinner with a group of my girlfriends, I’m swiping. They gained admit it, but I recognize they’re swiping too.

It’s absolutely senseless. I’m clearly no longer even in reality looking at the men. Yes, once in a while there’s a man a with an adorable doggy that catches my eye, however, maximum of the time I’m simply on there due to the fact I want some confirmation that I’m indeed a suited person.

Behavioral scientist and courting blogger Clarissa Silva describes this phenomenon as “arrogance validation” looking for approval via digital likes, not lifestyles encounters. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. consistent with a LendEDU survey of over 9,000 university college students, forty-four percent of college Millennials use Tinder for “self belief-boosting procrastination” and only 26 percentage are seeking out hookups or relationships. Most people folks on Relationship apps aren’t looking for something real. Honestly these Courting apps kind of inspire this type of mindless conduct. Apps like Tinder are designed to be dealt with like a recreation. For each swipe right, it’s like you received a point. Extra factors when you have a Tremendous Like from a hot guy or lady. “We Genuinely get a spike of the feel-excellent chemical dopamine on every occasion we get a textual content, message, online healthy, any sort of social bonding — and it’s simply addicting,” Camille Virginia, offline Courting train, tells Bustle. It is instant gratification at its best (or worst).

So this month I’ve decided to surrender Dating apps for Bustle’s App-less April venture. I’m newly single and I’ve most effective been on dates with humans I’ve met on Tinder. This month, I need to try offline Courting. But, I’m finding myself listening to phantom Tinder indicators and blankly looking at my telephone for no apparent reason. Right here are some apps I’m the use of to preserve myself effectively and fulfill my urge to swipe.

A way to Use an App Inventor Download To Create Apps

Android home equipment is basically multi-purposeful devices so it’s viable to make use of them for a multitude of totally exceptional functions in your life, for example, paying attention to songs, enjoying movies, gambling video games, as well as going on-line. One of the better things about the android gadget is that its miles an open supply gadget. This just approaches that professional programmers or maybe hobbyists can freely compose valuable programs and software program applications physically or by the usage of a first-class App inventor. Truly, you clearly want an App inventor Down load, and you could benefit get admission to a plethora of app era picks. humans do not be a technological seasoned so long as you possess a good App inventor Down load.

For programmers or any individual who has an interest in growing apps, Android affords one the high-quality help and guide services. The actual interface is a sort of do-it-yourself system that lets you create even the most complex apps even as not having to have any information on coding in any way. You surely want to pull and drop capability you could need inside your app. Other than adding characteristics directly, an app inventor can also help superior computer programmers to keep a sizeable quantity of development time in reality as it lets them replica and pastes prepared made application code sections into the software. This approach is a lot greater green than manually inputting the whole code.

App inventor lets in developers to broaden programs for android merchandise using an internet browser in conjunction with a connection to the phone or an emulator. The app inventor servers keep your tough paintings for your behalf and permit you to hold tune of your development on all of your developments. The app developing system requires the usage of:

An App Advent Dressmaker – this is the region that the components in your new application are selected. The App Inventor Blocks Editor, in which you create software blocks that allow you to say the manner you need the parts to act. those are put together aesthetically as In case you have been piecing collectively a jigsaw. In case you do not possess the most recent android telephone, haven’t any fear. you may use Android Emulator software program that’ll be running for your PC device and is developed to paintings similar to an android telephone. simply earlier than App inventor may be used your computer or PC needs to be setup and the bundle is needed to be configured.

The pleasant Apps to Download for your iPhone

Modern smartphones characteristic extremely like a far-flung control for everything in life. With the click of the touchscreen for your iPhone, you could locate guidelines to nearby eating places, listen to music, watch videos, or communicate with friends on social media websites. a few iPhone apps are essentially games, and these offerings help humans bypass time spent waiting in the physician’s office or on public transportation. What are the quality apps to Download onto your iPhone? Let’s test a few standout alternatives.

The RunKeeper iPhone App

RunKeeper is a really modern cellular utility. For the ones folks who like to run outdoor, the app performs similar features to the heads-up displays on stationary bikes or elliptical trainers. the usage of GPS capability, this software program tracks your overall performance during runs.

With the statistics supplied by way of RunKeeper, you can preserve your self-responsible to a workout recurring and make adjustments to your method to enhance your results over the years. For exercising fanatics, this iPhone app is particularly beneficial.

Savvy customers love getting awesome deals. For lots, Sunday mornings were spent clipping coupons from the newspaper. The Groupon iPhone app makes deal searching even less complicated. essentially, nearby companies provide unique deals completely via the Groupon app which then declares them without delay to the telephones of close by users.

It’s far relatively convenient to have this income delivered right into your pocket. In case you are the kind of client that loves buying items and offerings at good deal prices, you will appreciate the Groupon iPhone app.

Shazam is any other interesting iPhone app. This software allows users to pick out songs in nearly any location the use of their mobile phones. This set of rules-primarily based provider uses the onboard microphone to pay attention to audio and compares the results to a large database of songs. After it reviews a music’s info to you, you can then buy it proper to your iPhone.

Song fans will enjoy the capability of Shazam. In case you’ve ever puzzled who an artist is after hearing an incredible track playing on the grocery save, you will understand the software of this iPhone app.

these are just a few examples of a number of the pinnacle applications which have been released to the App store. Any person consumer will discover an untold variety of high-quality apps which can make daily life less difficult. If you are a new iPhone proprietor that wants to try out some of the most apps, beginning with these examples is an exceptional first step.

Mike Barry from Gazzmic writes articles approximately new media era, cellular telephones, and the tune enterprise. Gazzmic is a progressive new music organization this is working on a band iPhone app

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Master This One Key Mental Concept You Need For Better Relationships, Work and Life.

A friend of mine shares a terrible habit with me: shopping addiction. When either of us are upset or stressed or just generally too overwhelmed to do anything, we turn to our favorite stores. Buying something new is an instant way to feel better. The satisfaction is this feeling of “yay, new stuff!” and it seems to temporarily replace all the bad stuff going on in our lives. But it’s short-lived gratification. After all, none of us are so wealthy that we don’t experience buyer’s remorse now and then.

The two of us had an “ah-ha!” moment when we were told our brains are coping with our mishandling of money by doing all that shopping. See, the money we are spending on quick fixes could have just as easily gone into savings or an investment account. But that doesn’t feel like a realistic goal. It’s so far away! It’s easy to understand instant-gratification-when I buy something, I have it in my hands immediately. I love that! How am I supposed to get excited about a large savings account if I won’t be able to see that it’s large for years?

Sound familiar? Probably so.

Delay-gratification seems wholly dissatisfying at first. But if we could accept the concept and start living by it, imagine how much stress would melt off our shoulders. Money is relatable, but you can take it a step further, too. Think about your last bad relationship. Did you stay in it so you wouldn’t have to be alone? This happens all the time. It’s “easier” to stay in a relationship and know you have a partner than to be single and not know if you’ll wind up with someone.

Instant Gratification is Just pleasure, Not Happiness!

When I blow all my hard earned money so I can quickly feel better about my life, do I feel better? Sure, for about five minutes. Then I’m overwhelmed all over again and stressed about how much money I just spent!

And what about that bad relationship you stayed in. Were you happy? Of course not! So why do we settle for unhappiness just to avoid practicing patience? The root of the problem comes down to how badly we want to get everything we desire instantly. No waiting required. Personally, I can’t recall a switch being flipped in my brain that suddenly made me this way; I feel like I’ve always wanted instant gratification. With shopping, with success, with my love life…everything. But there are habits in my life that could be making things worse.

Social Media Could Be Forcing You to Settle When It Comes to Happiness.

Unfortunately, your obsession with social media could be partially to blame for instant gratification over happiness.

“We gain instant feedback from our devices, because we’re constantly plugged in and turned on. Social media gives us the ability to upload videos, photos and status updates…Because our devices are ubiquitous, our connectedness is constant. There’s very little patience required. We even expect business growth — phenomenon long considered to be gradual — to happen overnight. Like the viral explosion of a YouTube video, we want to hack business growth for viral expansion. The pursuit is admirable, even if the results aren’t always what we desire” – Neil Patel [1].

How To Sustain Your Motives To Wait?

1. Be more aware to your actions

The next time you find yourself habitually reaching for your phone to scroll through Facebook or see how many new likes you have on Instagram, stop and take a breath. If you’re a visual person, keep a tally sheet and mark a line for every time you resist an urge [2].

2. Feeling uncomfortable is just temporary

When you find yourself seeking that instant fix, count to ten and try to understand why you’re so anxious to get something done instantly. Maybe you won’t know at first. That’s okay. But maybe you will realize you just feel uncomfortable without something to do or focus on.

3. How would you feel 10 minutes after taking actions?

You know when you’re binge-watching Netflix and realize you’ve eaten a whole bag of chips or sweets? You weren’t even hungry, and yet you ate all that junk while your brain was on auto-pilot. Practice some presence today and every day. Do things in a way of awareness and thoughtfulness.

4. Be patient with your own progress

Guess what – you didn’t develop the need for instant gratification overnight. So why in the world would you expect to break that habit overnight? You won’t and it’s okay! When you give in to that disappointing instant-gratification over delay-gratification, allow yourself to be disappointed in yourself and frustrated. Then make a conscious effort to do better.

5. You don’t ALWAYS need to be too hard on yourself!

If you would be truly happy by giving in to the instant-gratification like urge of eating a donut, awesome-do it! But if you know you would feel guilt afterward, opt for something else. Either way, applaud your conscious effort and realize how nice it feels to do something for happiness and not just the need to get something done quickly.

How delaying your enjoyments can benefits different parts of our lives?

Whether you realize it or not, your day-to-day actions are filled with choices made in an effort to achieve instant-gratification. We don’t have to wait to travel anymore thanks to Uber. We don’t have to worry about stopping what we’re doing to get food thanks to UberEats, PostMates, Seamless, etc. We don’t even have to get groceries ourselves anymore with grocery stores delivering or third party services like InstaCart.

So why would we expect our brain or heart to function any differently? We expect everything to happen instantly, and often without much effort. Yet even with this happens, we feel unfulfilled with the results. We are so disconnected with our own selves that we have trouble recognizing when we are settling vs. when we are ready to try delay gratification. Imagine how incredible it would be (for yourself, for your relationships, for your career) if you could make choices based on long-term happiness and satisfaction and not just instant-gratification and a quick-fix.

Work: When you make professional choices for instant gratification, you often wind up cutting corners and making more work for yourself in the long run. In order to achieve less procrastination, more willingness to practice and do hard work, you have to master delay-gratification and know that even though it may not be until the end of your business quarter, you’re going to be so proud of your success and accomplishments.

Relationships: It takes time to get to know a person before falling for them. While it may feel nice to accept a date from the first person who asks, imagine how much better it would feel to wait for a date with someone you truly have interest in. And if you’re already in a happy and committed relationship, practice awareness when it comes to communication. Sometimes it can feel like torture to sit down and talk about the other person’s day when you could be checking social media or sending out important emails, you’ll have a better relationship in the long run.

Health: This is an obvious for so many of us. Do we take the time to prep meals for a week and eat well and feel better, or do we rush through a fast food restaurant on our lunch break and grab an unhealthy meal in a short amount of time? If you practice delay-gratification with your food habits, you can have less binge eating and even a more passionate relationship with exercise and health.

Happiness: Do you ever feel like you have to work really hard to be happy? If you focus more on the last four points, you won’t have to put in that effort because the happiness will be an automatic result! You won’t have to chase for it, and you can feel it more deeply and in everyday life. You are less likely to become defeated because you know accumulated failure and lessons learned contribute to greater happiness later.

I don’t know about you, but life-long happiness sounds a lot better than a quick-fix. So what do you say? Are you ready to start delaying your gratification?

Reference

[1]^Entrepreneur: The Psychology of Instant Gratification and How It Will Revolutionize Your Marketing Approach[2]^Zenhabits: Gratify 

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