#like ‘sabotage her friendships and familial relationships so I’m the only one who can be with her’ obsessed

[rainedroptalks]

Saw the word “nightshade” somewhere and was hit with the memory of a ghost book I read as a kid so hard I took psychic damage

[cal-flakes]

╰┈➤ bestfriend’s to lovers hc’s

warnings: nsfw mentions, mentions of violence.

: ̗̀➛ if y/n had to describe her friendship with rafe cameron, it would certainly be partners in crime.

: ̗̀➛ they’d been best of friends for years, ever since they met on the playground. he’d found her crying underneath the climbing frame because jason todd said she was ugly.

: ̗̀➛ for rafe, that was it. the was the moment he decided he was going to stick by her side forever, and he did.

: ̗̀➛ and you can put money on him going and beating the ever living shit out of jason todd for what he did. if anything, it became a life long vendetta, rafe never forgot what he did, not even by the time he and y/n turned 19.

: ̗̀➛ but nevertheless, it sealed the deal. he protected her life his life depended on it, and she’d attempt to keep him away from trouble.

: ̗̀➛ it was so undeniably opposites attract like you’d never seen opposites attract. y/n was just a small, harmless little girl. and rafe? well, he was rafe, a snarky little boy who enjoyed getting into trouble.

: ̗̀➛ ward and rose adored her more and more throughout the years, she was always welcome at tannyhill.

: ̗̀➛ they saw her influence on rafe, and hoped she’d knock some sense into him when she could.

: ̗̀➛ they also saw her unbelievable kindness, she was always down to help around the house if she could or if wheezie needed help with homework.

: ̗̀➛ she’d even be there when rafe wasn’t, just so she could hang out with his family.

: ̗̀➛ “you scared the shit out of me!”

: ̗̀➛ “i’m part of the furniture rafe, i’m literally always here”

: ̗̀➛ when they reached the ages of parties, alcohol, drugs and sex, they experienced everything together.

: ̗̀➛ they were each others first kiss, they did their first line of cocaine together, their first drink together, when i say everything, i mean everything.

: ̗̀➛ things got a bit sticky when it came to sex, when they were 16, rafe was already a mouth watering sight, he was tall and muscular, what girl wouldn’t want him? so there he was, a new girl on his arm

: ̗̀➛ and y/n was physically gifted too, a beautiful face and prominent curves, but she was a lot more reserved, she didn’t want to give away her virginity to just anyone.

: ̗̀➛ so when it came down to it, and she’d been made to feel insecure about it, rafe offered to be her first.

: ̗̀➛ “i..are you sure?”

: ̗̀➛ “of course i’m sure y/n”

: ̗̀➛ they both pinky promised each other it wouldn’t be weird after, and it wouldn’t ruin their friendship.

: ̗̀➛ and it didn’t, but feelings certainly blossomed after.

: ̗̀➛ the next few months we’re filled with burning jealousy and rage for one another, seeing the other flirt with other people.

: ̗̀➛ around this time, little arguments ensued as they discreetly sabotaged the others relationships.

: ̗̀➛ “did you tell rachel i had an std?”

: ̗̀➛ “what? no of course not..”

: ̗̀➛ “rafe! you can’t just beat the shit out of any boy that gets close to me!”

: ̗̀➛ “i didn’t like the look of him…”

: ̗̀➛ it wasn’t until sarah had to mediate one of their bigger arguments that they were finally confronted by their growing feelings for one another.

: ̗̀➛ “can you guys just kiss and make up already? it’s about time..”

: ̗̀➛ and that’s exactly what happened.

: ̗̀➛ as they stared at each other, the initial anger of the situation slowly dissipating, they both leaned in, their lips connecting aggressively.

: ̗̀➛ rafe’s hands lingered on her waist as her found their way onto his face, cupping his jaw as she deepened the kiss.

: ̗̀➛ “i love you, i always have..”

: ̗̀➛ the pair were even more powerful in a relationship as they were before.

: ̗̀➛ having finally admitted and confronted their feelings, they need to protect one another only grew.

: ̗̀➛ wherever y/n went, rafe was never far. whether she was working a shift at the island club, or shopping around town, he’d always be lurking, scanning the people around them for potential threats.

: ̗̀➛ she found it particularly amusing whenever someone tried to hit on her, entirely oblivious to the 6’2 giant sneaking behind them, observing his prey.

: ̗̀➛ together, they were like a punch. y/n was the swing, the split second you have to dodge the incoming impact. rafe was definitely the punch, he’d lost count of the amount of people he’d beaten to a pulp just for looking at her, never-mind attempting to talk to her.

: ̗̀➛ both of their parents would watch on in awe as the two spent time together at one another’s houses. admiring the love they had for each other at such a young age.

: ̗̀➛ and it certainly wasn’t coming to an end any time soon.

[yandere-kokeshi]

Yandere Keigo Takami / Hawks Headcanons

Warnings: Cussing, mention of cheating/murdering/going through private information, stalking actions/mentions, black mail mention/action, drugging mention.

Authors Note: I do not own this character! I also wanna say there may be spelling mistakes. Did not check for it.

Hawks, my beloved, you are my husband ‼️

As he is the No.2 Hero, he tends to have a lot of potential; getting away with a lot of things with his flirty and charming ways. When he sees someone he likes, wants to start a conversation with, or sleep with: he uses his words, bending them like candy and usually succeeding. 

There are two (2) ways to get his attention, one being ‘the fuck off’ type: The one who bluntly has no interest in him, not falling for his charming ways and denying the suggestion to go out for dinner. Or, you being a ‘sweet angel’. Someone who owns a book or flower shop; one that smells like heaven. These two would make him attracted, and right when you notice; it’s already too late. 

Keigo is smart, silent, and brawny. He uses these to his potential to stalk you at night, like a predator ready to pounce on their prey any minute. He tries to learn about everything about you: hacking into your work files, social media accounts, bank account, electronics, and learning about anything from what you dislike, to how your night routine goes and what you do right when you wake up. 

Keigo doesn’t really care about other people other than you, and this goes along the list of your family, friends, and close relatives. He would black mail them, threatening to tell them to leave you alone, or else. 

He loves to show himself off to you, proving that he can be worthy of protecting, providing, and loving you in ways your other partner couldn't. In addition to your partner (if you have one), Keigo will find ways to sabotage your relationship: showing pictures of them cheating, being villiness, or doing something behind your back other than cheating. Of course, Keigo is there, rubbing your back and telling you ‘it’s okay, I got you Angel. I’m the only one you need.’ 

Hawks would try to manipulate you into a relationship with him rather than kidnapping. He would try to use his words to keep you in the house, make you quit your job, and become a working-from home-person, explaining that it’s dangerous for you to work outside and he’s the only one who can protect you. You wouldn’t even know you were being manipulated into a relationship till it’s too late. Though,  if you're smart and see right through him, trying to break off the ‘friendship’ you two have; he snaps and kidnaps you the night you tell him to leave you alone. 

Keigo’s yandere tendencies are protective, (semi-)delusional, manipulative, and obsessive. Once you wake up from him kidnapping you, he explains that he did this for you and to ‘protect you’. Once he’s over, he gently smiles and serves you food, specifically your favorite. The room is covered with things you like, including your preferred perfume (if you use any), books/a TV, and a camera in the corner of the room that is very well hidden. 

He’s very affectionate. Keigo tends to manipulate you into cuddling with him, expressing he’s very touch-starved and he would love to be held by the love of his life. He loves putting his hands on you anywhere: Thighs, your ass, shoulders, or kissing you so much that you’ll have to push him away at some point. He loves laying on you, either on your thighs, stomach or chest. While you guys hug, he tends to wrap his wings around you both, protecting you in some-way. He also loves resting his head on her neck, breathing in your scent and gently biting it, blowing raspberries from time to time. 

He loves spoiling you. Buying literally anything you love, if you want a new blanket? Sure, he’d buy it and make sure it’s not scratchy and make sure it’s the best to his advances; only the best for his mate. Want a phone? It depends, but sure! Sadly he will have a time limit on it, allowing him to look through what you’ve been doing. Want to go outside for a special occasion? Fine… But he has to hold you and if he sees you talking to anyone, especially a man? We’re leaving.

He’s very paranoid, whether that’s his bird traits or him as your ‘partner’, he tends to go the extra mile with you: baby proofing the entire house, leaving his feathers everywhere, locking and securing the windows. The front door can only be opened as it has finger lock on it, along with three (3) locks. This also includes that there are no doors in the house, other than the bathroom door for privacy, there are no doors; he explained in great detail that it was ‘for his wings’. 

If you somehow do escape: passing through the 24/7 on security cameras, alarm warnings, and picking the locks; you only have a few minutes to fully escape, hide, and pretend to be someone else. The moment he finds you, he isn’t nice anymore. 

The punishments range from how far you ran, how long you hid, and how much damage you did to the house while escaping. The lightest punishment he would do is chain you back up, along with a house-arrest ankle bracelet so he can check your location better. The harshest one will be him guilt-tripping you to the max: crying and yelling that all he wants to do is protect you, yet, you don’t listen. He will even cause himself harm to make you feel bad. He will even bring his childhood into the fights you two have, saying the way he acts is the only way he ‘knows’ because he needs you, and only you. 

Now, if you decide to do the normal ‘physical or verbal’ trying; he’d be more so… Scary. If you decide to kick, punch, or spit: He’d grab you harshly, grabbing the back of your neck as his other hand grips your chin, forcing you to look directly into his eyes; forming a stern bond. “Now what did I tell you if you act up again? Please don’t make me force you to swallow those pills again. Please just love me, I love you so much hon.”

Now, if you decide to use verbal abuse, he’d gently caress your cheek, looking you into your eyes as his turn a darker but cool gold: “please don’t hurt me dove, it quite pains me. I’ve been through enough hell already, please don’t do it.”

Soon, you’d start to fall for him just as much as he did for you. Both of you are on the way to be married, just like the way it should be. 

—

Masterlist || Please reblog and comment instead of commenting, stay well!

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED ©yandere-kokeshi

Do not plagiarize, repost, modify, translate or copy my work.

[ninadove]

For the recent ask game: Korra from TLOK!!

(Idk if you’ve seen it but I know you’ve seen ATLA so if you haven’t seen TLOK yet then let’s hear what you think about Uncle Iroh)

I have seen both series, so now you get to hear me rant about two fictional characters! Lucky you!

KORRA ( THE LEGEND OF KORRA )

First impression:

Pretty girl. Muscles. Short hair. Queer.

Need I say more?

Impression now:

I love how much Korra grew throughout the series.

I’m sure many many Tumblr folks have expended on it in proper essays, but it’s refreshing to see that the writing team approached her as they would any protagonist, instead of treating her differently because of her gender ( which makes sense, in a world where cool warrior ladies like Kyoshi have been a thing since the beginning of time ) !

Favorite moment:

No surprise here, I’m going to say the ending. I knew about it beforehand and it is the reason I started watching the series in the first place.

Idea for a story:

I’d love to see more content about Baby Korra discovering her powers and her parents absolutely F R E A K I N G O U T about it! What little we saw of her at that age was so cute.

Unpopular opinion:

Not sure if this is an “unpopular” opinion, but the relationships between the Main Four were the weakest point of the show in my opinion.

I was extremely annoyed by the whole love triangle debacle, and even Korrasami felt a bit underdeveloped ( There were HUGE instances of flirting between the two in S1, and then they kinda… Paused… Until halfway through S4? ). That one is understandable, though - we all know the challenges of trying to sneak a queer storyline into a kids’ show.

Overall, I didn’t get the “found family” feel that made ATLA so great from Korra and the gang. I’ve heard good things about the comics, though, so I might get my hands on them someday!

Favorite relationship:

Despite what I just said, it is Korrasami, 100%.

I like that they didn’t let the love triangle ruin their friendship ( any negative feelings they had were directed either at Makko or themselves, rather than each other ) and how well they work together despite being so different.

And Korrasami did so much for queer representation in general. It might not seem like much when we look back on it now, but these girls really kicked the portal door open for all of the great stuff we’re getting today!

Favorite headcanon:

Many people have created great art of Korrasami getting engaged using a Water Tribe betrothal necklace. I especially love scenarii in which Asami is the one to propose ( engaging in your partner’s cultural traditions because it’s important to them is a huge pro-gamer move in my book ) .

IROH ( AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER )

First impression:

A funny old man who might or might not be sabotaging Zuko’s efforts to find the Avatar on purpose. For his own good, of course.

Impression now:

A much more complex character than I originally expected. He’s great, obviously, but also imperfect, and I love him for that. More on that later.

Favorite moment:

Probably not a surprise either: the reunion with Zuko in the White Lotus camp. Cleared my skin and watered my crops.

Idea for a story:

I’d like to see more fluff of Iroh in his later years, when he can reflect on how much Zuko has grown throughout the years. Maybe play with Izumi as well! Intimate character pieces are my favourite type of fics to read and write.

Unpopular opinion:

He’s not as perfect as the fandom makes him out to be… And that’s a good thing, actually!

I especially think he could have done more to protect the kids from Ozai ( we see him look away when Ozai burns Zuko’s face, and his whole attitude towards Azula, A LITERAL KID, makes me uneasy ). The complexity only makes him more compelling though, and I think we could all benefit from recognising that even good people make mistakes sometimes.

Favorite relationship:

Iroh and Zuko, obviously. I absolutely ADORE the adoptive father figure / troubled kid working through his trauma dynamic ( something something Professor Layton, something something Hershel and Clive ).

Favorite headcanon:

I really hope he got to meet Baby Iroh and understand how much of an impact he truly had on Zuko’s, and probably Izumi’s, lives.

I could also see him b*tching about his nephew with Mai over tea. If they can’t embarrass him a little, what’s the point?

Thank you for these @crestofshame!

For anyone interested, the ask game can be fond here.

[galactic-pirates]

Ok I’m going to do it. New drinking game (in no particular order):

Personal anti-wishlist aka do NOT want predictions for Picard Season 3 finale

Screentime is limited. Raffi is either not seen or only in background shots. It’s explained she is trying to sabotage the Titan’s engines or something if she is mentioned at all. Seven and Raffi are barely (if at all) on screen together and their relationship is never mentioned.

Seven is shown carting Shaw to sickbay. She uses her Borg nanites (hello Voyager callback) to help bring him back to life. This doesn’t make him a Borg it is just temporary. Shaw is not grateful and chews her out for it. Says she isn’t StarFleet. Seven agrees and resigns.

There is no Saffi spin-off, no Fenris Rangers. Raffi is never seen again. Seven is either never seen again or…

Shaw gets his own show spin-off. Possibly Seven guest stars one episode so he can save her life, and show he is magnanimous while still pressing the point that he was right and she was never StarFleet.

As part of being magnanimous Shaw pays Seven a compliment. Only it’s something backhanded like “you made really good coffee” and the writers think fans will be happy at the nod to Janeway, and completely overlook the fact that in the 25th century a brilliant woman is reduced to being ‘good at making drinks’.

The only assimilated we see get killed/do bad things are aliens, POC or both.

At the end Geordi is seen hugging his two crying girls and Sydney apologises to him and goes home with him. As part of the end montage she is shown handing him tools to fix the battle damage on the Enterprise-D because fuck that she had dreams of her own to be a pilot I guess.

To gain an advantage in battle Picard uses the “Picard manoeuvre”. Bonus points if it doesn’t make sense as to how it would help.

Even though Vulcan, Klingons etc. have a lot of their own ships nobody can/will help them against the assimilated fleet. Only the Enterprise is fighting the good fight. Sort of like an oblique reference to the hopefulness regarding the Federation shown in Prodigy. That was where StarFleet ships were all taken over by an external force and made to attack each other…. wait a minute *deep sigh* but anyway nobody helps because fuck that stupid kid show right? 😔

Somebody very gravely says “we are on our own”. Despite being decades older, and the odds being 50-1, the Enterprise is so special it manages to hold it’s own in battle long enough for Jack and Picard to save the day.

Even though he is assimilated and it should be impossible Jack is ‘special’ and Picard manages to reach him through his special Dad bond (fuck Beverley as the mother who raised him I guess), and Jack manages to sever the connection/put them to sleep/stop all the StarFleet assimilated.

In a parallel to Nemesis the Borg Queen self-destructs. Picard tells Data to get Jack off the ship and he has to stay behind. They both could have escaped given Picard spent a minute monologuing about friendship and family but he has to sacrifice himself like Data did in reverse.

As the unassimilated were murdered the changelings were all killed. Why/how they teamed up with the Borg, what happened to the people they impersonated etc. is never explained. They are dead, the situation is tied up with a bow. And this “they are all dead” is only an off-hand mention in a single sentence.

Despite name-dropping her Janeway neither appears nor is mentioned unless she comes in for a cameo at the end to lead the memorial/give Jack his medal/commission etc.

Hundreds were killed but the big memorial service only focuses on Picard and how he is the most legendary of all StarFleet heroes.

Jack is given command/made Captain of the new Enterprise even though it’s the flagship, he never went to the academy and has no experience. This is possibly done at said memorial service.

Inexplicably Worf is security, Beverley CMO, Deanna counsellor and Riker as first officer. This is seen with “Captain on the bridge” when Jack walks in. They all look very proud.

Kestra is never mentioned. Who is looking after her, where she is etc. is never explained.

The last line reveals Jack has taken the name Picard so he is “Captain Picard” like his dad and he says the legendary ‘Engage’.

I really hope I don’t reblog this next Friday and cross a lot off. I just really hate how damn plausible I think this list is 😭 this is a do NOT want list universe. Don’t get confused now. This is like worst case scenario for where they could go (in my opinion). So let’s really hope not. Unless of course I have had a failure of imagination and it is even worse somehow 😬

[leftycait]

One of the things that broke my heart about watching heart stopper was that I would have been a completely different person had a been free to feel safe as a queer person at school. It was so unsafe that I pushed down and repressed every budding feeling of same sex attraction.

I didn’t work it out till I was 19, even now I have a complicated relationship with queerness. I can see so many moments where relationships got sabotaged by myself or somebody else before they started, because of the heightened queer tension. I have found the idea of queerness suffocating at times, because of the thought of how many times you truly have to come out. How everything becomes a decision based on safety and well-being. Do you come out at work? Do you come out to your religious family? It can be so all encompassing and frightening.

I never thought I was bullied at school, because I thought everyone got treated awfully. I thought name calling and ostracism was normal. Now that I’m older I can see how much I completely blocked out what was really happening around me. I know now that others could see and smell my queerness before I could. That made me a target. At the time I couldn’t work out why people were so nasty to me. Sometimes like a fog horn the awful memories of things that happened dart past my face like passing traffic. Then they are gone and they are forgotten again, but the shame. That splashes your face like dirt. That feeling I felt at 12 years old, burning with hurt and embarrassment. Not understanding why I was so hated. Feeling that something must be wrong with me. That remains.

The only memories I have of school now are Katie. My best friend. I didn’t think of it at the time, because of how staunchly I was in survival mode, but I would have not made it without her. She was timid, kind, sweet and soft. She did ballet while I did soccer. We were such chalk and cheese. She gave me a best friend certificate when I was 14 years old where she said she liked me, because I was funny and because I didn’t care what anyone thought about me. I did care actually, but I certainly have never been good at hiding. My true thoughts and feelings spill from me. I don’t mean to blurt so much honesty out, but I just can’t help it.

I think that love gave me something to hold onto. A clear, tangible idea of what love was and was not. It is so easy to feel you did something wrong when someone decides to leave your life, but I have a clear understanding of what love looks like and what love is good for me. If I’m not loved how I need to be I truly feel I go a bit mad. It’s nice to have the edges of what the love that heals me looks like

Now that I’m 27 and I live the other side of the world from my childhood best friend I can see how deeply I loved her in the most innocent, child-like and pure platonic way. She never ever did a single thing to hurt me. The most loyal and lovely girl I’ve ever met. Heart-stopper really encompasses how queerness puts new meaning on friendship. I can totally relate to Tao, because I loved my friends in the way he did - that intensity comes from being ostracised by so many. You appreciate those who choose you regardless of what anyone else thinks. Your friendship truly is about being loved for who you are and nothing else.

Katie and I grew apart as adults, because we live 15,000 miles away from one another. We still wish each other a happy birthday.

I love seeing high school shows where kids are out and proud, because fuck me I would have spent so fewer years depressed and confused had I not felt petrified at each small moment when I realised I had a crush on a girl. I healed and grew, but I can never get back that time between 11-18 when a catholic school truly traumatised me. I can never get back the years of low self esteem and self sabotage that came from thinking their was something wrong with me. Realising it was all centred in internalised homophobia. I wish I had been 17 in a more safe place or time man. I’m glad heart stopper is a hot Netflix show, so more 17 year olds feel seen and maybe have a softer adolescences than older queers before them.

[yuna-writes]

The concept of loneliness

Recently, I chatted with another person who still works from home. Apparently, his company is going to mandate return to office a few days per week. He seems to be looking forward to it, because maybe he feels alone. I also met another co-worker who shared he didn’t like working from home and wanted the in-person interaction. Maybe there’s some truth having that in-person experience fills the gap of feeling lonely. 

I wonder how other people are still navigating working from home but avoid feeling isolated and lonely. Even so, someone pointed out that working in the office is lonely too. And that’s my current situation, I’m in the office, but I’m not exactly friends with my co-workers and our relationship is very transactional so I feel a little bit lonely in the office. It’s just how it is. Your co-workers are not really your friends. Maybe it’s possible to create friendship when they part ways and work for a different employer, but it’s rare. It boggles me because I bet we spend more time with co-workers then our friends and family. Yet, once your employment ends, the relationship with your co-workers ends there as well. 

Anyway, part of me feels lonely in the office because I can’t really relate with my coworkers who are much older and lived in a different generation. I’m like one of the youngest employee in the office. Even though I’m surrounded by people, I can’t really connect with them, and therefore feel lonely. I talked about this topic with a friend and she told me everyone feels somewhat lonely. She has more friends then I do and she tells me she still feels lonely. Which is bizarre, because how can a more social person feel lonelier then me? Loneliness is an interesting emotion. It’s what you make of it no matter what your situation is. I suppose happiness also falls into this category. I’ve seen people who have it all - fame, fortune and good looks but deep inside those people can still be unhappy. 

This doesn’t mean that I’m dissatisfied because of feeling lonely in the office. Sometimes I question whether being connected with co-workers is a good idea. I’ve seen horror stories of people who really trusted their co-workers only to get backstabbed later. And yeah, maybe it might better to be detached and have a superficial relationship so feelings don’t get hurt. Better to have neutral emotions then high expectations...because those people might betray you. One of my relative experienced this. She opened up to her co-workers and shared about herself and family life which was really personal, but her co-workers turned their backs and decided to gossip behind her back and tear down her reputation. The workplace will always be likes this, because people want to move up in their position. To do so, some sabotage other people so they can elevate themselves. 

I haven’t experienced this personally, because I’m rather a very guarded and private person in general. I don’t share too much about myself to my co-workers. I share just general hobbies and interests anyone can have. I still don’t know if this is the right approach in dealing with co-workers. Part of me wants to feel emotionally connected to my co-workers, but the nature of the workplace makes it difficult to make this possible. There’s too much office politics, drama, and the possibility it can jeopardize your position is a risk. 

[smoozedaddy]

Going to use this as my personal journal.

I’ve been in a mood today- not sure why or what even kind of mood. But I feel like my moods are so reliant on the actions of other people. Why does it matter? I think therapy will help.

I guess I just feel drained. Not sure why. Just came back from a conference and honestly that was the best i’ve felt in a long time.. it was a high, high. And now i’m sitting on a low low.

Kinda feel like I have this open void. My wife has been gone for a bit now, and i feel like i keep trying to fill the emptiness with things that end up making me feel more empty.

We’ve talked about kids just a minute ago, and honestly I always pictured myself being loved by someone who expresses their love by wanting my kids, and a family with me. I think that type of vision was engrained in me, and i’m not sure if that’s how I really feel or was taught that that’s what love is?

How I feel about love, is complicated. I love my wife, and I feel like shes everything I want in a person. I feel like we met so young, and so damaged, and we slowly but surely built each other up to be great people. I also can’t help but have this constant urge to blow up our marriage, and just ruin my life. I’m not sure where it comes from, but the urge in the back of my mind to self destruct or to self sabotage is strong. Why? When i have a healthy and stable and beautiful resilient relationship with my wife. I mean sure, there’s temptation everywhere and that doesn’t go away. But it’s more than that, it’s not that i’m tempted, it just feels like my nature, like instinctive.

Sometimes I just feel like I should be alone. Like really alone. Not a soul to speak to, live somewhere where I know not a single person. I feel like i’m destined to just start over somewhere alone. Not that I want to, but like, just a feeling.

There are also times where I just want to be everything, to everyone. Not sure where that comes from either. But I find that I feel drawn to people who have that certain glimmer of trauma behind their eyes, it’s always been that way. A second type of sense. I recognize it immediately and i go into savior mode. Who can I save today- who can I help- how can I make their day better. It’s a discration in a way. I need to stop that, because I then start to prioritize those people over myself and those I love. Especially when they don’t care, and it tends to be one sided. Deep down, I tend to not care if it’s one sided, part of me is just so siked to help that nothing else matters. Going to start creating my own boundaries, and respecting them.

Sometimes i feel like i should delete my social media, and then I do, but then i redownload it and go back to my same habits. I think the fomo is just very real and i’m going to try to ween myself off.

While we’re ranting, sometimes I do want to be friends with my ex, i think it’s possible to be friends. There’s such a strong memory of love, and feeling of respect there, that when I see her struggling it’s disheartening. Brings me back to when we were younger and she was having those same struggles. There’s a reason we’re no longer together, but i’ve always wanted to continue a friendship. At one point, she was my best friend. There’s no part of me that wants to rekindle a spark or flame, but there is a part that just wants to be her friend because who doesn’t need one these days? But alas, there comes the savior mode, and the self destruction part, because I know my relationship and my wife would feel very disrespected. That’s a bridge I can’t cross, but only look across with love and root for her from afar.

There’s a big part of me, that feel’s like I’ve failed in life. 25, unsuccessful in the military, and now we’re bopping back and forth between careers trying to find a fit. There’s an undying fire inside of me that needs to be the bread winner, the provider, and I feel like I can work myself into the ground to do that and i’m happy to do that. I just want to find something I can be happy with, and feel successful with. Right now sure, I do well with both jobs I work. And by working both of them, I feel a sense of fulfillment that I didn’t feel just working one. But not fully fulfilled, i’m trying to find something where I feel a purpose and where I’m happy.

Making friends has always been hard for me. I always have felt different or off or not smart enough, not decent looking enough, not funny enough, and then there’s the me being in the closet struggling and then i’m out and gay. It’s never felt normal or seamless, it’s felt forced or like I need to put in so much effort for so little return. So I feel like I give up or just accept the crumbs. But I try, because I have a lot of love to give. But alas, the boundaries I need to work on. I have to understand that my love may not be for everyone and thats okay. I can’t force anyone to accept or want it or want to reciprocate. I just gotta keep trying to enforce my boundaries and just see what happens. We’ll see.

I think this is it for now.

[defnotacoolguy]

Can I just make a list of shitty things cause I feel like it

My dad is an abuser, he abused my mom multiple times, he used to get drunk and hit her, he made her feel like she couldn’t do anything by herself so he was the one giving her everything to make her feel powerless

Mom couldn’t be with me for most of my childhood because of the divorce, my dad never gave us any money to help so she had to work all day and I had to learn to be by myself and do everything by myself ever since I was like 8

I was a grieving kid because I felt like I had no parents and I was terrified of being alone, so I was called a crybaby and a problem kid because of that

But the moment I shut down and stopped showing my feelings to most of my family and started being quiet around them, only focused on drawing, I got asked a thousand times why I couldn’t be normal

It is a running joke in my family the times that I was hit as an infant

I was always referred to as the rude, unkind, weird sibling, so the most important people in my family for me always preferred my sibling over me

I struggled with self harm constantly since I was 11 until I turned 18, even falling back to it a couple of times since then, only to be called a cry baby and attention seeker because of it

Oh boy and don’t let me get started on me being trans and pan

My mom only dated abusive people during my childhood so i have 1) attachment issues, 2) fear of relationships and commitment and 3) the habit of letting things get so bad in my relationships until a breaking point because I’m scared of speaking my mind before they get to that point

My mom dated for, at least, seven years one of the worst people I’ve ever met, who abused her, cheated on her multiple times, felt entitled for anything he wanted and I was told I was exaggerating for wanting him away from my life

I was so scared of maintaining a friendship after a breakup because I saw my mom go back to these men so many times and how worse things got, so I always managed to sabotage my own relationships in fear of it

My sibling, the person who I thought I could trust the most in my life, was always putting my achievements down and finding reasons to tell everyone how they were better than me

I wasn’t able to start college in time because my mom had been unemployed for more than a year, and of course my sibling didn’t care and still spent money without thinking, including failing subjects because, in their words, they thought the teachers would pass them despite their assignments

I would’ve gotten into a public university, but the career I wanted couldn’t be found in most places or the dates for the exams had already passed the moment I was told I wouldn’t be able to use the scholarship that I had gotten at my dream college even when it was of 50%

I had to start killing my ass looking for a job at 18 MID PANDEMIC because not only we barely had any money to support ourselves, but my house’s debt finally reached a breaking point so we had to leave and my dad literally laughed at our face because of it

I got a job as a teacher, I’m proud of myself and happy about it and then my sibling starts telling me that I don’t deserve that job and that I only got it because I got help but I don’t deserve it, just because they hadn’t been able to get a job by that point

When they finally got a job, first they would say all the good things it had in comparison to mine and how it was so great and amazing to a week later changing it to going back to how much harder than me they have it, and how they were fighting so hard and I was served everything in a golden plate

Oh, did I mention that they lost all their friends so I added them to my friend group cause, at the time, they were one of the people I loved and cared about the most, but then my friends started pushing them away cause it turns out they started talking shit about me to my friends or directly making them uncomfortable and asking them to fuck or kiss even when most of them were still underage and my sibling was 20 :)

Oh and when mom finally got a job, we could finally afford somewhere else to live, even if it’s far as fuck from what we were used to, life becomes living hell as every single thing I did was me being an attention seeker, an asshole, a crybaby or directly being abusive according to my sibling

Turns out, my mom really needs a surgery so we are planning to sell our car, our only way of moving across the city, to be able to afford it oh but guess what

My sibling, who had been acting unhinged for the last year or so, kept blaming my mom and I for their “shitty lifestyle” so they went to like 7 therapists, didn’t stay with any of them because “nobody told them what they wanted to hear” and then they found a psychiatrist who gave them antidepressants but they went on and off the treatment because you aren’t supposed to drink alcohol during it so they stopped taking them every time they wanted to drink which was like every week to then continue to blame us on their poor mental health

They came back to me over and over again asking for advice and I was so scared to give it because every single time they would react badly and scream at me

They would trap me in the car to scream at me so I’m terrified of cars and driving now lmao

Anyways, turns out they decide to go drink, even after taking their medicine that same fucking morning and oh guess what, they crash the car that we were going to sell to pay for the surgery

And they say they weren’t drunk and didn’t drink but they smell so much like alcohol haha! Isn’t that hilarious!

And everyone that sees the accident tells them that it’s a miracle that they didn’t die, and it’s their second chance in life and they literally couldn’t care less

And i just can’t stop thinking about how every single day i traveled with them in that car, sitting in the exact same seat that was stabbed with a retaining bar

If there would’ve been anybody in that car aside from my sibling, they wouldn’t had a chance of surviving

Oh and guess what, they were still mad at me because I told them to wash the dishes before accident, so they wouldn’t talk to me lmao

And who the fuck knows where their driving license is! And they won’t tell us so we literally had no money and the assurance wasn’t going to help with the situation, hooray!

And when we finally work something out the next days they act so entitled to everything, and says how we must do everything for them even though they are perfectly fine and are using only a collar for precaution oh but then they go out with a friend the next day, when they told us they couldn’t even drink water by themselves

And then I cry all day everyday because I don’t know what’s going to happen with my mom or my job! Yay!!! And my grandma and aunt, who I thought supported and loved me start telling me how everything, from my siblings breakdown and the crash, to my moms situation is my fault 💕 and I just make everything worse 💕

Then my sibling left the city because they didn’t want to help pay even a penny for what they did :)

But fortunately my mom is able to get surgery because her new boyfriend of like three months, who is more my dad than my biological dad, helps us pay for it and guess who comes back to see my mom after two months 😍 my sibling yay!!!

They spend all day with mom just telling her about how good their life is now and how happy they are now and making my mom feel like a shitty ass person when I know she’s not and she shouldn’t even be in that situation in the first place after having gotten surgery so recently

Oh and then my sibling tries to take everything from our house that night :) and I had to be alone with my boyfriend there to stop them because I literally had nobody else to be there :)))

And then I have to call mom to tell her what’s going on because it’s HER FUCKING HOUSE and my sibling tells me I’m a snitch and an asshole and that it’s their problem not mine so I should stay away ✨

You’ll never guess what happened the next day

After spending the night crying and shouting cause I can’t handle it 😍 and I don’t want to sleep at my house anymore because I’m terrified 😍 I get to the hospital the next day and my mom is okay, everything is okay until my sibling arrives and suddenly mom starts feeling bad because of stress 💕

And I have to ask grandma to make my sibling leave the hospital because mom is only getting worse because of the stress that she is feeling since they are here but then grandma starts telling me that it’s my fault for telling her, and how I should have kept my mouth shut 💕 and every single bad thing that has happened is my fault

And then I go back to the room cause I can’t take it anymore, I don’t even feel alive at this point and I just want to smoke an entire box of cigarettes when they finally leave not without telling me shitty things that I can’t even remember because of the crisis mode I was in 🥰

And it’s been around seven-eight months since the accident and my family is broken and now my sibling sends me messages justifying their actions with being in an all time low without even apologizing for a single thing they’ve done to either of us

And I’m still here, I don’t know if I’m a good person or not, I just know that I seem to fuck everything up in my life, and I’m scared that it’s actually my fault and not the people who surround me, even if my therapist tells me over and over again that that’s not the case

[harleybeaumont]

The Other Nevrakis

Chapter 9 - Applewood

Pairings- Drake x OC (Lilith Nevrakis), Liam x Riley

Book- TRR Book One 

Synopsis- Lilith Nevrakis is the younger sister of Duchess Olivia, and the black sheep of her family. Drake Walker is the best friend of the Crown Prince. Lilith and Drake are similar in that they both prefer random hookups to relationships. Once they meet, something in each of them changes and they both realize they want more out of life. But is what they want, each other?

A/N- This pretty much follows the events of TRR Book 1, but this is an AU where Olivia has a younger sister and Riley is Maxwell’s cousin. The story alternates between Lilith and Drake's POV, but not in first person.

Series Warnings- Language, Drinking, Sensuality, NSFW (there will be lemons!)

Word count- 2,140

18+ only

Catch up here.

The next event of the social season had all of the ladies who were trying to land the prince, bake an apple pie for the Queen. Lilith couldn’t help but laugh  when she found out. Olivia couldn't cook to save her life. After Lilith’s realization the previous day, she was bound and determined to leave her old way of thinking behind. As part of her turning over a new leaf, she offered to help Olivia practice the night before the bake off. But Olivia, being the untrusting person she was, declined, saying Lilith must be trying to sabotage her by giving her the wrong steps. Lilith shrugged and headed back to her room. She gave it an honest shot. 

The day of the bake-off, Lilith sat in a chair toward the back of the crowd reading her book. It was beautiful at Applewood Manor. The air smelled of springtime and flowers, and birds chirped in the apple trees overhead. She vaguely heard the bustle of the ladies baking in the tents, but stuck to herself. After an hour or so, Lilith heard Riley crowned the winner of the bake off and declared Apple Queen. Lilith smiled, good for her. Maxwell was jumping up and down excitedly cheering her victory. Lilith smiled at him and he made his way over to her while Riley spoke with the Queen.

“Hey!” Max dropped down into the chair next to Lilith with a wide grin.

“Hey.” She smiled back at him. “So things are going pretty well for Riley, huh?”

“I know!” He glanced over to Riley and Queen Regina. “Thank God for that. Her and Liam are so obviously in love, it’d be horrible for the King and Queen to not like her.”

“Ya.” Lilith smiled softly. “So how's.. everyone been? I haven't seen much of anybody lately.”

“Drake’s fine.” Max looked away chuckling.

“I didn't say Drake.” Lilith rolled her eyes.

“You didn't have to. I may not be the brightest guy around but I'm pretty good at reading people.”

“Oh hush, you.” Lilith swatted his arm with a smile. “How are you, Maxwell Beaumont, doing?”

“I’m gravy, baby! Life is good.” Lilith chuckled at his response. He was always so positive. She hoped one day she could feel that way. “And how are you, Lilith Nevrakis, doing?” Max looked into her eyes and she felt her heart warm. It wasn't the feeling she usually got when a man looked at her. It was.. friendship. She really was a changed person. 

“I’m.. good actually. For the first time in a long time.” She chuckled softly at how absurd it sounded. “I'm.. good.”

“Well, you deserve to be happy.” Max smiled as he focused on Riley speaking to Queen Regina. He looked so proud of her.

“Maxwell. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course!” He turned to her with a grin. “Bonus points if it’s horribly awkward or uncomfortable.”

Lilith laughed. “Well it is a little..” She looked away, considering how to go about this. Just spit it out. “How come you never asked me out?”

“Whoa!” Maxwell’s eyes widened. “You're right, that is uncomfortable and awkward. Good job!”

“Sorry. You don't have to answer. I just thought that the day you delivered the letter to me, that maybe..” She shrugged. “Nevermind, this is way too embarrassing.” She shouldn’t have said anything in the first place, but she was morbidly curious to hear the answer.

Max rested his elbows on his knees, biting the inside of his cheek as he thought. “Drake.”

Lilith froze, trying to mask her shocked expression. “What?”

“Drake.” Max turned to her with a smile. “That’s why I didn’t ask you out.” He laughed. “I wanted to.. Guess I was pretty obvious, huh?”

“Did he tell you not to?”

Max shook his head. “Nah. I could just tell he was interested. Gotta honor the bro code.”

Lilith felt butterflies fluttering in her stomach. Drake was actually interested in her that long ago? Surely not.

“So are we friends now?” Max bumped her shoulder with his.

“I hope so.” Lilith smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Because if we are, that makes two of you.” She laughed, “The only friends I have in the world are Beaumonts!” That said a lot about their character- Max and Riley were good people.

“No, that's not true.” He shook his head, “I’m sure Liam sees you as a friend.. and Drake.”

“Nah..” There was no way the future King of Cordonia saw her as a friend. And there was even less of a chance that Drake did after the way she kicked him out of her room that night. They hadn’t even spoken in a month.

“Lilith.. Drake and Liam are two of my best friends in the world. I know they do.”

She smiled sadly. “If you say so.”

“I say so!” Max stood up, reaching out for her hands. “Now come on. Let's watch Riley ride in the Apple Blossom parade.”

Lilith took his hands and her heart melted. It felt so good to feel wanted.

_________________________________________________________

Drake decided to skip dinner that night and take a walk. His mind was full and he wasn't hungry. He also figured Lilith would be there and he didn't want to see her right now. After his talk with Liam, he was honestly terrified to see her. He finally had.. feelings for someone and he was sure she hated him. What do you do when you have feelings for someone and they don't even like you? Drake didn't want to find out. He always guarded his heart, so he didn't have this problem. He never let them get too close. And now that Lilith snuck in, he was afraid of getting hurt. 

The sun was setting as he walked through the gardens. The orange and pink glow from the sky covered the trees, and it was just.. peaceful. He scuffed his shoes along the gravely path enjoying the feeling of not having to do anything or see anyone. He turned a corner and froze as he came face to face with Lilith. She was seated on a bench with an easel in front of her. Her eyes widened as they met his and she looked like she might run away. Drake's heart fluttered in his chest as he noticed how beautiful she looked with the glow of the sunset covering her red hair. She was wearing her glasses and she looked so damn bookish and cute.

“Uh.. hey.” Was all he managed to get out.

Lilith looked back at her canvas and started painting again. “Hey.”

This was awkward. The last time they spoke was when they had sex in Lythikos a whole month ago.. When he called out her name, and she threw him out of her room. Drake rocked back on his heels and looked around for something, anything, to give him an excuse to leave. There was nothing. Damn it, maybe I should just run. 

Lilith spoke up, “So. How are you?”

“Um. Fine.. How are you?” Drake frowned. This was weird. He felt like he didn't even know her anymore. He had no idea what to say, but figured small talk was a start.

Lilith turned to him, looking right in his eyes, and it made his breath catch. “I'm good, Drake.”

She said his name.. His real name. Not Walker.. Not an insult. “That's good.” He gestured at the bench. “Can I sit?”

She shrugged, “If you want.”

Drake took a seat as far toward the opposite end of the bench as he could. He had no idea what to say to her. He barely knew what was going on in his own mind, much less hers.

He glanced up at her painting and couldn’t help but smile. It was beautiful. “How can you paint like that?”

She chuckled, “Like what?”

“Like.. so good.”

Lilith laughed loudly, “Drake Walker, as eloquent as ever!”

Drake shook his head with a smile. “Ya, I guess you're right. But seriously. You're amazing at that.”

“For a Nevrakis?”

Ouch. Drake tried not to cringe. “No..” He turned toward her. “For anyone.”

Her beautiful hazel eyes met his and his heart felt like it was going to burst. This was getting to be too much to handle. He felt like a teenager with a crush again. Drake turned away and looked at the sunset. “It’s so peaceful out here isn't it?”

Lilith gave him a strange look. “It is.”

Drake gestured at her canvas. “Keep going. I don't want to interrupt.” He was starting to think of a way out- his usual habit of withdrawing from an uncomfortable situation. He was probably bothering her anyway. “In fact, I should leave.”

He stood up and started walking away, feeling like a total ass, when her soft voice pulled him back. “You don't.. have to.”

Drake stopped in his tracks. She wanted him to stay? He turned around to face her and she smiled softly at him. He hesitantly made his way back over to her. The two of them sat together in silence for the next twenty minutes while Lilith finished her painting. By the time the sun had set Lilith packed up her paint and easel and carried her painting under her arm. “Ready to head back?”

Drake nodded. Did she want him to walk her back? He was so confused. Why did she make him feel so confused all the time? Damn it, he knew why. He spent the past month pining for this woman, and he was terrified to say or do the wrong thing and make her leave. “What are you going to do with your painting? Liam told me you throw them away.”

Lilith shrugged looking embarrassed. “I was going to give it to Riley. I thought she might want to remember the day she was crowned Apple Queen.” She chuckled. “Guess it's kinda silly and sentimental.”

“Naw, it's sweet.” Drake was taken aback by his own response. Sweet? 

Lilith stopped short, raising an eyebrow and cocked her head to the side. “Who are you?”

Drake looked away, embarrassed. “I don't even know these days.”

“I.. get that. Trust me.” Lilith grabbed his hand and his heart leapt out of his chest. “Drake. Can we just... start over?”

He looked at her incredulously. Was she messing with him? “Really?”

She blushed and it was the most adorable thing he’d ever seen. “Really. I'm trying to.. be a better person. I know I’m a Nevrakis and maybe that’s all you'll ever see me as. But I want to prove to everyone.. “ She spoke the next words so quietly that he wasn't sure if he imagined it. “..to you..” She took a deep breath and continued. “.. that even though I’m a Nevrakis, I'm still me. I'm my own person.”

Drake felt his heart melt. God, he was such an asshole to her from the minute they met. “Lilith, I’m sorry. This is all my fault.” He shook his head. “I did judge you by your name and I'm.. sorry for that.”

Lilith shrugged. “Well don't worry. You're just one of many.” She looked up at him, now only a couple feet away. “But thank you.. for apologizing.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and continued. “I owe you an apology as well. I judged you on what my sister always said about you. And.. that wasn't fair.”

They smiled sincerely at each other for a moment and Drake chuckled. “Wow. This is weird right?”

Lilith laughed, “Ya, kinda. What do we do now that we aren’t fighting?”

Drake stepped closer to her until their bodies were almost touching. He looked into her hazel eyes and the wind swept past, causing wavy strands of hair to flow across her delicate neck. Drake slowly brought his hand to her cheek and his breath caught as he realized she was leaning toward him. Their lips met and it was like the last piece of a puzzle had finally been connected. Drake breathed in her familiar scent and the taste of her mouth was like a fire warming his inherently cold heart. Lilith whimpered in his mouth and he cupped her face, swiping his thumbs across her cheeks. The act was surprising and tender, but felt perfectly right. Drake continued to move his lips against hers, marveling at how right everything felt for once. 

When they broke apart, Lilith still had her eyes closed. For a moment he thought she may tell him it was a mistake, but then the corners of her mouth rose in a brilliant smile. “Wow.” She chuckled.

Drake looked down at her shyly and tucked her windswept hair behind her ear. “Wow is right.”

Lilith bit her lip, “Goodnight Drake.”

Drake nodded, smiling like an idiot. “Goodnight Lilith.”

She turned away and walked into the manor leaving Drake alone outside with his thoughts. He was smiling more than he ever had in his entire adult life. He had to go tell Liam. 

[taechaos]

Blackmail

pairing: bully!Jungkook x nerdy!fem!Reader

genre: drabble, smut, college au

synopsis: Jimin offers you information on Jungkook, but your friendship is misconstrued by Jungkook who ends it singlehandedly with one video of you professing your love to him between moans.

warnings: dubcon, fingering, degredation, mild squirting, manipulation

word count: 2.8k

a/n: jealous kook doesn't realize he's jealous. this part is a bit extreme, so beware ><

One doesn't come across someone like Jungkook every day. It's fate that you met him in your first year of college, extending to your second where he grows closer to you; fair, it's clear that he only intends to use you for his academic success, but you've deluded yourself into thinking you're in love with each other. Growing up, you only had your dysfunctional family to teach you about how to love, how to think. As long as Jungkook needs you, he will love you, and you’re willing to do anything to be with him, only him. You need him to live.

Birds sing in the background as you lay on your stomach on the grass of the yard across the campus. It’s sunny and breezy, the perfect spring day as you work on Jungkook’s research paper due next month. You compiled multiple credible sources in a separate file to create an outline for his essay the moment he forwarded the assignment to you. You want him to praise you, pet your hair, kiss your cheek for starting so early so he can turn it in before anyone else. He would be proud, flashing you his pearly whites and adoring eyes. The reward motivates you to work harder and you’re relentlessly skimming through articles while counting down the minutes of Jungkook's lecture. He'll be outside with his friends in 7 minutes.

With a bad childhood, you don’t care to befriend many people. You only have a few friends to keep you company and you’re socially awkward outside of that group. You’re content, so you steer clear of boys who try to sabotage your relationship with Jungkook. Jimin, however, doesn’t get the memo.

Typing away on your laptop, a shadow looms over you to give you a break from the sunlight. You glance up and stop swinging your legs absentmindedly when you recognize the shadow; it’s a boy with frames and a tight collar adorning his neck.

Park Jimin is a typical nerd whereas you’re more of a closeted nerd. When you’re in love, you usually put more effort into your appearance to impress the one on your mind, but that doesn’t work with Jungkook. It’s always other men giving you their attention through second glances, and that includes Jimin.

“What do you want?” you rudely greet. Jimin is ruthless with his attempts at pursuing you; he’s the perfect gentleman, and often volunteers to do group tasks with you. He is never mean to anyone, and has a squeaky clean reputation, but his only flaw is that he can’t take a hint. You don't bother being friendly to him because you don't want friends.

"I want to know why you look so happy," he bends over to curiously glance at your screen, "while doing homework?"

You slam the monitor closed to stop his ogling. "You wouldn't get it. And stop watching me," you sternly say.

"What's your secret?" he grins and sits down on the grass next to you with crossed legs. His upper body serves as a shade and you stop squinting.

"There is no secret, I was just in a good mood until you came along." You're not upset, but you don't want to lead Jimin on and he won't leave unless you blow him off.

"Thinking of Jungkook?" he teases with a mischievous smile.

"Are you stalking me?"

"No, you're just too obvious," he chuckles, but the sound is strained. You don't notice his melancholy as he continues, "You were doing his homework again?"

You shift on your propped elbows a little uncomfortably. Jimin doesn't need to know what you do in your free time. "Yes," you answer anyway.

"You know he has daddy issues?"

Your eyes round as your discomfort dissipates instantly; he's piqued your interest. "Really?"

"Yeah, he has a tough exterior but he's actually a real softie."

An involuntary smile carves on your face before it falters as you ask, "How do you know this?"

"We went to high school together. I can tell you some stories if you want," he boasts when he realizes he has your attention. The context makes his heart sink, but when he imagines your lovesick grin is directed at him, it fills him with joy.

"Tell me, tell me! Please."

"Weeell," he draws with a lopsided grin, "don't tell him I told you this, but he used to hate girls. I don't know if he still does, but back then he couldn't even stand talking to a girl."

"Why?" your eyes are wide with interest as you whisper.

He shrugs, "No idea, but he hit a girl once when she wouldn't stop clinging onto him. Not like drop-kick her," he laughs, "he just shoved her on the ground. Be careful with him, okay? He can be very aggres-"

"You guys forming a nerd club now?"

You gasp when you hear Jungkook's voice. When you look up at him, he's almost glaring as his eyes flicker from you to Jimin. You're gleeful at his approach, because he never comes to you unless it's about a new assignment. It flutters your heart to see him without any papers in his hand.

You don't take his subtle insult to heart as you immediately respond, "No, we were just talking. H-Hi."

"Pull down your skirt, you look like a whore. I can see your panties all the way from the gates," he seethes in distaste. You instantly sit up with a blush and tug your skirt down to your knees. He looks back at Jimin who's glaring at him under his lashes, "The fuck's your deal?"

"Nothing," Jimin grits. Although he hates Jungkook's guts, he's too smart to fight a lost cause. He has his own set of muscles, but it isn't enough. It's best to accept defeat now.

"Did you start on the paper?" Jungkook asks you.

"Yes, I-"

"Good," he cuts you off and crouches to peck your lips by pulling the back of your neck. You're stunned when he pulls away and nonchalantly walks off to his friends.

Jimin follows him with his eyes and mutters under his breath, "douche."

Your heart is racing and you clamp a hand over your chest as a lovestruck smile spreads across your face. You know this is your end of the bargain, but it never fails to shrivel you up in delight.

"Are you two dating?" he mumbles as he pulls on the grass with a pout.

"Something like that," you exhale as you caress your lips.

It’s become routine to link up with Jimin where he reminisces his high school memories and you don’t doubt a single word he says unless it sheds a bad light on Jungkook. You’ve learned so much about him in the past few days, and you’re eager to know more. He likes energy drinks to this day, he was athletic in school and often got into fights. He began interacting with girls when he entered college, as Jimin says, “only for a quick fuck.”

Though it hurts Jimin that you only talk to him for information on Jungkook, he can’t bring himself to care when you hang onto every word he says with a glint in your eyes like you’re doing now.

You're sitting in the bustling cafeteria across from Jimin, sipping on a homemade strawberry lemonade from your thermos, and you don't notice Jungkook glancing at your table every now and then. It is the first time he doesn't feel your heavy gaze on him. Jimin does notice however, because he is facing him every time he receives a threatening ferile look.

"He could become a lawyer with how much he blackmailed the teachers to give him a good grade," Jimin tells you as he glances back and forth between you and Jungkook. "He's quite dangerous, you know. He's manipulative, a liar and has no empathy-"

"He's clever," you counter defensively, "he knows how to get around the system."

He makes a disgruntled noise from the back of his throat with a grimace. "I don't think the judge would listen to that."

You laugh at his comparison of the conversation to a court hearing. Jimin can be funny sometimes, and you have to admit that he's not that bad of a friend either. You've come to enjoy his company without the topic of Jungkook the past few days, but talking about him is always appreciated.

"Are you the judge then?" you cheekily ask.

"I might as well be, since I'm not biased like a certain someone," he teases with a grin.

"A lawyer has to see the bright side of things, but if I was the prosecutor, I wouldn't tell you that your lecture is in five minutes."

His smile falters as his eyes widen; you remember his schedule? He ran late for a lecture yesterday, but he’s in disbelief that you reminded him today. "Th-Thanks," he breathes as he packs up his belongings before giving you a curt, shy nod. His heart pounds when he walks away, and he resists the urge to look back at you.

It's a good idea, because that's when Jungkook settles down on his former seat.

"I'm thinking you might be forgetting who you belong to," he starts as he gets comfortable on the stiff chair. You instantly smile at his appearance.

"No, I'm very well aware of it." Your tone is high-pitched in excitement.

"It wasn't a question."

"Oh..."

“You talk more than you work,” he observes with a quirk of his brow. “One would think another nerd would be a better influence on you.”

“I work at night,” you defend worriedly, “I promise I’m not slacking off. Can I get a kiss please?”

You’re so adorable when you’re needy. He hides a smirk with a bite of his lip; he thrives from your loyalty to him, but he knows Jimin is a threat to it. He wants you to stop talking to that freak, and he justifies it as a concern for his grades. “I’ll kiss you when you’re not procrastinating. Do you think you deserve even a pat on the head?”

“I do! I’m halfway done with the research paper, please Jungkook,” you beg pathetically, “I-I’ll show it to you, I have it with me right now.” You start unzipping the case of your laptop until he holds up a hand for you to stop.

“You’re going to read it to me, but not here.”

When he stands up, so do you in a haste. He leaves the cafeteria with you hot on his tail, almost jogging when his strides are much bigger compared to yours. You resemble a clueless lamb following a lion, desperate to hold his claws with your hooves. You don’t know where he’s leading you as you walk down the halls until you stop in front of a door. You’re about to freak out when he swings open the door, but you realize the lecture room is empty.

“You want me to read here?” you inquire meekly. It’s a little intimidating to do it in complete silence, because you have a tendency to stutter when reading out loud and you don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of Jungkook where no one can talk over you. 

“Yup.” He snatches your laptop case from your hand with the handle, and roughly opens it before placing the device on the front row wooden desk. It’s a large hall, and the desks stretch out to the half of the room. You’re feeling stage fright for no particular reason; it feels like reverse claustrophobia. “Open the document and give me your phone.”

You don’t question him and hand in your phone before going through your files on the laptop. Jungkook is looking through your contacts and grins when he finds himself saved as: the love of my life ♡. Jimin is saved by his name, and he finds his WhatsApp through his information below. Once he opens your empty chat with him, he switches to your camera and pushes your back so you’re bent over the desk. You sharply inhale and ask, “Kook?” 

“Don’t get distracted now,” he lightly scolds and starts pulling down your pants. You stopped wearing skirts after the incident a week ago to appease him. You stammer with your back arched, and your ass is on full display for him. It’s humiliating. “Start reading.”

“H-Humans are- Jungkook?” you warily look back at Jungkook when he slides the slit of your panties to the side.

“Are you slacking off?” he condescends. 

You bite your lip anxiously and continue reading, “Humans are social animals that n-need social interaction,” Jungkook spits in his hand, “the extent of our social relationships is the most important predictor of h-happiness.” You squeal when you feel wet fingers graze your folds, but you know better than to stop and ask what he’s doing.

“Continue,” he coaxes softly as he brushes his fingertips over your pussy lips. 

“Um, o-one of the main reasons our brains have developed the way they have is so that we can be social,” you speak between shaky breaths. Your cheeks are tinted crimson with embarrassment from his touches; why is he pleasuring you when he specifically told you, you didn’t deserve any? “Being happy a-all of the time is neither possible nor desirable.”

“Is it now?” He slips a finger in your cunt and you involuntarily let out a cry as you push your body forward. You don’t notice him holding up your phone behind you while slowly sliding his finger in and out of you. His saliva is mixing with your arousal as you answer in a gasp, “Yes.”

“Tell me why.”

“B-Because negative feelings are natural. When it comes to negative feelings, the most important thing to remember is to learn,” you pause to exhale with quivering lips, “to control certain potentially harmful thoughts.” You whine his name when another finger is added to your heat. You’re moving your hips back and forth until he slaps your wet folds as a warning. “Sorry,” you peep and continue in a breath, “Happiness all of the time entails epistemic irrationality.”

It’s difficult to keep your eyes open when you just want to indulge in his thrusts, but you’re encouraged to stop reading when he doesn’t comment on your moans. His pace is quickening and you chase his fingers with your hips, cum dripping down his wrist as you mewl.  

“You enjoying yourself, whore?”

You nod and whimper, “So much.” You’re clutching the edge of the desk as he fingers you with fervor.

“And you're my girl?” 

“Yes, all yours, I love you so much,” you pant, not stopping for a moment to question his words. He has a full view of your sopping wet cunt on the camera, and he lightly blows on you, making you shiver. He’s recording you confess your love for him while getting fingered.

“Only me?” he presses.

“Only you, Jungkook, I love you more than anything,” you slur as you start to feel a knot in your stomach.

“Then pee.”

“Wh-What?”

“Touch your clit and pee.” He removes his fingers from your clenching hole and takes a step back. “Prove your love to me.”

You mourn the loss of his hand while staring wide-eyed at the floor. You’re contemplating his demand as your hand slowly reaches down to your clit. Is he asking you to squirt? Your breathing is shallow as you near your climax, and you still don’t know if you’ll go through with his requirement.

It drips out in tiny drops as you come undone, moaning as clear liquid spills out of you for only a few seconds. 

“Good girl, my good little girl,” Jungkook whispers as he intently watches you humiliate yourself in the name of love. You’re twitching and trembling in shame when he stops recording you and sends it to Jimin without a second’s waste. “Are you okay, baby?”

You hum with a pout as you collect yourself by standing up straight, a sway in your posture. 

“Give me your panties, you’ve made a mess on the floor,” he chastises as he holds out a hand. You slip and step out of them before giving it to him. In return, he passes your phone before feigning a gasp, “Shit, I think I sent Jimin a video of you when I was trying to forward it to my phone.”

Your mouth falls open as heat consumes your entire being. “H-Huh?” Tears brim in your eyes almost instantly; your heart is pounding from anxiety.

“How will you ever look at him now,” he empathizes with a fake frown. “He must think of you as such a slut now.”

“Let me delete it,” you panic as you open your phone. “Wh-Where is it?”

He motions you to give him the phone and opens WhatsApp after. “He’s already seen it.” There are two blue ticks under the message.

“No, no, no,” you pull your hair in agony with a whimper. You quickly put your pants back on and cry as you do so.

“I guess that’s the end of your friendship,” he raises his eyebrows to himself without a hint of sympathy.

“What do I do?!” you wail and fling your hands in stress.

“Avoid him. I’ll make sure he won’t leak it.”

He steps forward to lean in your face intimidatingly. “And don’t talk to him ever again.”

You don’t exactly have a choice now, do you? 

[emerald-chaos]

Daydream

**gif not mine! credit to the owner**

So, I couldn't help myself. This is a continuation of my previous Bucky fic Insomnia because I just really enjoyed the dynamic between Bucky and the reader. I had a lot of fun writing this part and I love building things up between the two of them. If you guys like this or are interested in seeing more - please let me know! I love talking with people and hearing their ideas and such.

Much love xo.

Pairing: Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 2079

Warnings: cursing, struggles with mental illness, mentions of sex (nothing entirely explicit but better safe than sorry), alcohol use, and really poorly written jokes lmao

Fingers threaded into hair.

Hot, opened-mouth kisses marking every surface of your neck.

Nails trailing down his back leaving raised, red lines in their wake.

“Oh my god,” you groaned as you let your head fall back and continued to rock your hips into the man in front of you.

Strong hands tighten their hold on your hips, sure to leave purplish-blue bruises for the morning.

“C’mon, baby,” he grunted, face buried in your neck as he helped your body to grind against his, “I got you. Let go, fuck, let go for me.”

A pair of slender fingers snapped in front of your line of sight, tearing you from your daydream and bringing you harshly back to reality.

“Hmm, what was that?” You blinked a few times before you turned your attention to the redhead who you, apparently, had been having a conversation with.

“Are you serious?” She laughed, “I’ve been talking for the past 10 minutes! I looked over and you had that far off, glossy look in your eyes. Not to mention you’re bleeding.”

A hand found its way to your lower lip and you realized she was right. You had been so lost in wet dreamland that you chewed a layer of skin off of your lip. You hoped she didn’t notice the heat rising in your face as you cleared your throat, grabbing a tissue from the coffee table.

“Sorry,” you muttered, pressing the tissue against your injured lip, “guess I got lost in thought.”

“Is it one of those flashbacks again?” She asked kindly, facial expression softening.

You nodded quickly, knowing fully well that the statement was a lie. Your gaze drifted over the woman’s shoulder to the subject of your previous thoughts. It would be easier to explain the common occurrence of your PTSD than it would be to explain that you were reminiscing on the hot, steamy, passionate sex you had the night before.

Bucky was situated across the room, leaning against the counter as he talked to Rogers and Wilson. The unfortunately tight, black, short-sleeve t-shirt he was wearing left nothing to the imagination. It accentuated every muscle of the body you had gotten to know so intimately not more than 10 hours ago. His muscular arms were crossed at his chest and he was sporting his signature scowl. Everything about the sight sent a shiver down your spine. You finally had a taste and you wanted more.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Your friend’s voice gained your attention once more.

A small smile found its way to your lips as you met her gaze again. Apart from Bucky, Nat had always been a good trauma buddy of yours. From the beginning she had been someone you felt like you could confide in and someone who would understand your troubles. Sometimes you wondered if a requirement of joining the avengers was to have a fucked up, tragic backstory.

“I’m okay, Nat.” You reassured, “Just got lost in my head again.”

“Whatever you say. Maybe the party tonight will help you get your mind off of things,” She mused as she pushed herself from the couch to stand up. She paused briefly before she turned to you again, “you are coming, right?”

“Yeah,” you snorted, “Tony actually threatened me if I didn’t go this time, so, I guess I have to.”

After the last party you skipped out on, Tony cornered you in the hallway and gave you quite the interrogation. Then he went on a spiel about how staying in your room all day and all night was bad for you and that if he didn’t know better he would think you weren’t appreciative of what he’d done for you and blah, blah, blah. Tony really was a good person underneath all that hair gel. All he wanted was to help you break out of your shell and give you the family he knew you were lacking. That didn’t mean he couldn’t be a pushy asshole.

“Good, I’ll see you there. I’m sure Barnes will too.” A devilish grin painted her lips as she watched your jaw drop. Before you had a chance to say anything she was off down the hallway.

Fuckin’ Natasha.

*******

A pile of clothes littered your bed as you slipped another dress over your form. Not once in your life had you ever been concerned about what you were wearing or what you looked like, but there was something about tonight that made you want to turn heads. Your eyes raked down your figure as you twisted from side to side, admiring the way the black dress hugged your body in all the right places. Not to mention the thigh high slit in the dress showed off probably the only body part you weren’t self-conscious about. Tony, being the theatrical and over the top man he was, once said that you shouldn’t show up to his parties if you weren’t dressed to court a royal or to bring a man to his knees. Guess you were shooting for the latter.

As you put the finishing touches on your look for the evening, you felt that familiar heavy feeling settling into your chest. Your body always had a tendency to go into fight or flight mode when you became too familiar with anything or anyone. It felt like every fiber in your body was screaming for you to retreat into sweats and stay in your room, to not allow yourself this opportunity to enjoy the people you’d grown so close to. You know what happens when you let people in.

Grief, trauma, coping - it made it really difficult to live a “normal” life. Everyday tasks are daunting, it can be next to impossible to have intimate friendships or relationships, and not to mention the intrusive thoughts that infect your mind on a daily, if not hourly, basis. Here you were, the happiest you’d been in years. You were finally in a place where you felt loved, comfortable, safe - and yet your mind was trying to self-sabotage again.

You took a moment to close your eyes and take several deep breaths. When you opened your eyes you locked eyes with your reflection in the mirror and made a pact with the girl staring back at you. The intrusive thoughts and self-doubt couldn’t continue to have a hold over you anymore. You gave yourself a small smirk and nod as you made the decision to throw caution to the wind and give the party a try. What’s the worst that could happen?

*******

Come to find out, the worst that could happen would be your competitive nature overcoming the rational, thinking part of your brain; which in turn would lead you to enter in a drinking contest. Thankfully a small portion of your pink, smooth brain was still functional enough to tell you when you’d reached your limit. Now you sat comfortably on the couch, legs tucked underneath you as you joyfully watched your friends argue.

“Dr. Banner, my friend, you are one of the most intelligent people I know. However, you are wrong.” Thor stated simply as he finished the rest of his drink.

“Thor, for the last time, water is not wet!” Bruce retorted, throwing his hands up in frustration.

You let out a loud snort before thinking, “Oh yeah, water. I should drink some water.”

Your feet planted themselves on the floor and slipped back into your pair of shoes. As you made your way to the kitchen you were pleasantly surprised by your balance and coordination, considering how much alcohol you’d consumed. Seems that drinking with Thor has done wonders for your tolerance.

While you were busy searching the refrigerator for a bottle of water, you were also oblivious to the soft sound of footsteps coming into the kitchen. After retrieving the beverage, you closed the door and turned to leave. Instead, you turned right into the chest of a figure that was definitely not there a moment ago. You yelped as you clutched a hand over your chest dramatically, your face filled with horror as though you’d just come face to face with the grim reaper.

“Jesus Christ, Barnes!” you scolded.

Bucky was holding his abdomen as he leaned back, consumed with laughter at your reaction. You huffed and wanted to be offended, but he looked so damn cute laughing that you couldn’t help but join him. You pushed his chest playfully and grumped as you hopped up to sit on the counter, opening the water to gulp about half of it down. Bucky couldn’t help but grin at your pouty state as he finished up his laughing fit.

“My apologies, sweets. Didn’t realize I’d be makin’ ya scream twice in one day.” He teased, grinning even wider as he did so.

Your jaw dropped at the comment, quickly looking around to make sure no one else was in the kitchen to hear what he had said. After seeing that the coast was clear you kicked your foot at him out of annoyance, only for his metal hand to catch it smoothly. The two of you locked eyes, motionless for a moment before he moved closer, sliding his hand from your ankle to your thigh. In the moment, you damned yourself for choosing this particular dress. The closer he got, the faster your breathing became. The contrast between his cold embrace and your flushed, warm skin sent a shiver down your spine. Abandoning the water bottle, you ran your hands up his abdomen and chest until they rested on his shoulders. Following a small nudge from his knee, you parted your legs to allow him space to stand between them. The heat in your face at an all time high as he pressed his flesh hand to your cheek.

“Haven’t been able to stop thinkin’ about you.” Bucky whispered as he stroked the apple of your cheek with his thumb. Each word that left his lips had you feeling way more intoxicated than any liquor you’d had all night.

As quickly as it started, his touch was gone and his back was turned as he opened the fridge. Before you had a chance to open your mouth to ask what the hell just happened, Tony was entering into the kitchen.

“Well, well, well. Surprised to see you here, Annie.” Tony beamed as he laid eyes on you.

Yes, Tony had nicknamed you after little orphan Annie. Yes, he also referred to himself lovingly as Daddy Warbucks. Yes, any person in their right mind would probably be offended, but you were just fucked up enough that you found it kind of hilarious.

“Wish I could say that it’s a pleasure, Tony.” You grumped back, upset that you’d been cockblocked and by Tony no less.

“Never lose that spunk, kid.” Tony winked as he turned to see Bucky retreating from the fridge with a beer in hand. “Inspector Gadget! Good to see you too.”

As much as you didn’t want to encourage him, you couldn’t help but laugh. Much to your dismay, Bucky simply raised his bottle to Tony as if to say “cheers” and padded out of the kitchen.

“He has such a way with words.” Tony teased as you rolled your eyes.

A sigh left your lips as you slipped off the counter and back onto the floor, muttering a “goodnight” before leaving the kitchen and heading back to your room. Although you wanted nothing more than to find Bucky and finish what he had started in the kitchen, you came to the conclusion that you were probably too drunk and definitely too tired.

Back in the comfort of your bedroom, you went about your normal nighttime routine. As you exited the bathroom, you couldn’t help but notice a piece of paper that had been slipped beneath your door. Grabbing the paper from the floor and plopping back onto your soft mattress, you opened it to read the note that was scribbled in black ink.

Never got the chance to tell you how gorgeous you looked tonight. Gotta say, I’m a big fan of that dress.

Sweet dreams.

- B.

When you finished the note, it felt as though you were floating on cloud 9. Even when you laid your head down and tried to welcome sleep, Bucky’s words were still replaying in your head over and over again - like they were lyrics to your new favorite song.

Turns out you were down for Bucky Barnes, and you were down bad.

[animeyanderelover]

Can I request prompt 15, 17, and 133 with Kakashi?🥺 Just all in one little Drabble/HC, whatever you choose!! I love your writing so much💞

When I was only starting this blog, I funnily expected far more requests with Kakashi. But I guess in the end nothing beats the Uchiha🤣. I also tried the first time Hc's for prompts since there were so many.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, stalking, paranoia, manipulation, sabotage, kidnapping, death, ropes

Prompt 15: “Shh princess…don’t cry over this scum, he doesn’t deserve your tears.”

Prompt 17: “You’ve been such a good girl lately. If you continue to behave so well, I might just reward you. Would you like that?”

Prompt 133: “I know the restraints must hurt you. Don’t worry, I’ll untie you as soon as I’m sure you won’t try to run away again from me.”

📖Even if your relationship with Kakashi started with him keeping a friendly distance, once there has been this rush of his emotions you'll notice how he seems to become a more and more important part of your life. From a really close friend of yours to a lover with his own hard work, though gaining a crush on him makes things certainly easier. After all Kakashi is smart and informs himself, be that through him stalking his s/o or befriending her friends and family, slipping in questions on how he can get close. With his growing obession comes sadly also the growing need to protect you and get rid of everyone close to you. The ninja doesn't think of himself as a very bloodthirsty person nor someone to lose control quickly.

📖But when his darling suddenly came one day over to him, bloodshot eyes and tears wetting her cheeks,he panicked instantly on the inside. Letting his darling in and preparing her something to drink that will hopefully calm her down, asking with an almost perfectly calm voice what happened. Kakashi was always a good listener and someone who appeared to understand you, attributes you loved about this man. Only tightening ever so slightly his grip around his cup as he listened to your frustrated rambling of a man you had once called your friend, letting you severely down once again and yet always coming back to apologize and ask for your friendship. Someone who had been already on Kakashi's red list, categorizing this man as someone toxic who only used his precious darling.

📖Silent anger being hidden under a reassuring smile as he grabs your hands in his, squeezing them comfortably before pressing a few chaste kisses against your knuckles. "Shh princess...don't cry over this scum, he doesn't deserve your tears." This man ends up convincing his darling into staying with him for the rest of the day and maybe even the night, it's relatively easy for him to coax you in your currently saddened condition into not leaving, the need to protect and make the one he loves feel better winning over.His darling should find comfort with him, head cuddled on his chest and wrapped in a warm blanket whilst he has a warm and tight grip on her. For now he'll enjoy this, but your little 'friend' has to repay your kindness after using you already so often, Kakashi will make sure of it.

📖Naively believing him even after there were quite a few red flags during the relationship with him, eventually Kakashi snaps. And there are little to no signs for this, he doesn't have a loud outburst, even when his storm erupts he stays calm. His overprotectiveness eventually gets the better, beating every other rational thinking and he locks his darling away from the world. He has no ill intenions, but the sadness and pain of the loss of his father, comrades and sensei are itched into the very core of his heart, having left a sort of paranoia in regards of his love. Kakashi is sane enough to know that it would be rare for someone to just live with this, there will be some rebellion. Hoping you'll be a good girl is a bit stupid and he won't be manipulated, even if you pretend to be nice.

📖It leads to such humiliating and embarrassing situations, shackled and only able to lie on the bed, guarded properly by Kakashi after your most recent try to escape. Rather useless considering that he has his dogs who can easily track you down, not to underestimate his own skills as a former Anbu and talented shinobi either. It has to be quite angering, having to rely on him for everything during this time. Especially when he is feeding his darling, plate placed on his lap as he spoon-feeds you with a disturbingly normal look on his face. As if all of this is not wrong in his opinion. There was merely a sympathetic and slightly guilty-feeling look on his face when he noticed the slight twist of your face when the burning material rubbed painfully against your skin. "I know the restraints must hurt you. Don't worry, I'll untie you as soon as I'm sure you won't try to run away again from me."

📖Kakashi has patience yet you must never test those borderlines or otherwise Kakashi will see the need to bring up a few hidden aces in his sleeves. He keeps his promise though, freeing your sore wrists from the imprisonment of those burning ropes. But you'll never fully escape his watching eyes and the social deprivation the copy ninja brings upon you only worsens things, the only person around being the one who kidnapped you and his ninken. There is a slight reward system with Kakashi, good behavior is rewarded with little tastes of freedom and bratty actions are punished with deprivation of something that kept you entertained.

📖He might even treat his darling sometimes like a doll, like a fragile lovely doll when he feels in a certain mood. Babying his darling and doting a bit on them brings joy to him when he notices that you slowly start getting accustomed to him and the situation and he is dearly careful to not screw up now. Not when he slowly is able to lure his s/o to him, willingly. Even if his methods are not what others would call morals, he's happy once you slowly start returning his affection, hesitantly but visibly. The usual indifference he often carries around crumbles away the more obvious the lovely affections of his darling start getting through him, sincerely this time. "You've been such a god girl lately. If you continue to behave so well, I might just reward you. Would you like that?"

[somebody-909]

Stalkyoo After the Formal (pt.1) - Role Reversal and Yeong-Gi's Denial of His Feelings

The black and white formal acts as a turning point in Shin-ae and Yeong-gi’s relationship, establishing their friendship and giving them moments of romantic tension.

It all leads to the emotional finale on the hospital balcony, where Yeong-gi first feels genuine romantic feelings for Shin-Ae.

This analysis looks at key moments that show how Shin-ae and Yeong-gi’s relationship changes after the formal arc — displaying emerging romantic feelings, and why their roles seemed to have reversed: it is now Yeong-gi who is hesitant to get any closer to Shin-ae, and she is the one eager to connect with him.

Ep. 75 | Elevator - Why the awkwardness and melancholy?

When Yeong-gi first sees Shin-ae after the balcony he seems quite... polite and distanced. He doesn’t act like the Yeong-gi of the past at all. He doesn't joke around with her like he used to... He doesn't smile or act friendly and he awkwardly turns away after looking at her.

He only smiles in the first panel, and his expression is… complicated. Note his soft smile, slightly closed eyes and slightly furrowed brows.

It's a soft, fond but slightly melancholic look.

This mixed expression is caused by genuine fondness for the person it’s for, with the additional tension and slight melancholy/sadness caused by the fact that this fondness is unspoken. This Look™, is the first expression he gives her after the balcony.

(But if I’m speaking more subjectively, this is the look people give those they love, but where it is unspoken. The melancholy associated with the expression makes it less likely to be purely platonic in nature — platonic friendships don’t often have this sense of something hidden and unspoken, and more often have relatively straightforward reciprocal affection. The romantic nature is also emphasized since The Look™ is being given to someone Yeong-gi has known for only a few weeks/months.)

At the least, this unspoken fondness may explain why Yeong-gi seems so awkward afterward:

He senses a difference in their feelings towards each other (he feels this because he is somewhat aware of the true nature of his, but Shin-ae is not/would not be at this stage)

He does not appreciate the nature of these feelings and does not want to entertain them (for reasons mentioned in my balcony analysis)

Shin-Ae also notices his odd demeanour and tells him she thought he'd be more excited - Yeong-gi's behaviour is purposefully shown to be different now. It's hard to imagine this is the same guy who'd joke around, easily and outwardly showing his joy to be around Shin-ae.

In Ep. 78, Yeong-gi is called by Shin-ae after she’s forced late when Dieter passes out. He has The Look™ while speaking to her. (Notably, Yeong-gi only has this look when they are not directly looking at each other). When Yeong-gi picks her up, he seems awkward once again… especially due to seeming like a third wheel in Shin-ae and Dieter's budding relationship.

He has The Look™ in images 1, 2, and 4. And in image 3, he seems very awkward being with Shin-Ae and Dieter. (I'd argue his expression also shows displeasure — he slightly, and under-the-surface, doesn't like what's happening).

Ep. 85 | A Bear and Allergies - Compassion, but only at a distance

After Shin-ae’s sister invades her home and Shin-ae calls over the bois, she is obviously quite unnerved and uneasy. Yeong-gi immediately recognizes this and in aims of comforting her, tells Dieter to give her a hug (which he is unable to do without freaking out so he gives Shin-ae a hug using a bear as proxy).

Yeong-gi understands how Shin-ae feels and wants to comfort her, but instead of doing this himself (eg. by talking to her, giving her a pat on the shoulder, etc...), he tells Dieter to. Although he's being a good wingman, there’s an interesting sense of Yeong-gi making sure to keep his distance, even if he wants to be there for her.

When Shin-ae notices Yeong-gi’s allergic reaction (which they think may be a fever), she reaches to touch his forehead to gauge his temperature — he quickly declines and moves her hand aside.

In my black and white formal analysis, I discuss the motif of distance and how it’s seen in Shin-ae and Yeong-gi’s dynamic — and how it’s represented through touch and their hands. Characters who want to connect emotionally will also show physical signs they do (like extending your hand to someone). Emotional connection often requires characters to physically be present together as well. Characters who want to avoid connection avoid touch and keep their distance.

Here, Shin-ae shows a desire to “reach” Yeong-gi by helping him, and this is reflected when she extends her hand and reaches to touch his forehead. A refusal of her touch in this case is also a refusal of her help and her attempt to connect to him. Shin-ae shows some slight discomfort at this – it was a harmless attempt to help him, but he doesn’t want her to.

Yeong-gi follows with an explicit verbal refusal:

“Again, you don’t have to worry about me… You just had your home broken into, you need to put yourself before me, alright?”

This is fitting with Yeong-gi’s overarching character arc — he has an extremely low sense of self-worth that prevents him from accepting others’ concern. Him telling Shin-ae to put herself before him also fits his thinking: that those he cares about are more important than him, Shin-ae included. And it doesn’t matter if what she actually wants is to help him.*

*This is an interesting trait of Yeong-gi's... despite caring deeply for Shin-Ae, he undermines her intelligence and wishes by not accepting her affection for him, and carefully controlling how close she gets. Although born from insecurity, it is also, fascinatingly, covertly manipulative.

Ep. 85-6 | Bills - I care about you

Yeong-gi asks Shin-ae if she is able to get to where she is staying for the night and she gives him more information than he asks for, showing new emotional vulnerability. He notices this and gives her The Look™ — he appreciates that she is now more open to him.

When Yeong-gi sees her overdue bills, he makes sure to let her know that her financial struggles do not determine her worth and anyone who tells her otherwise isn’t worth her time.

“Remember you’ve always got someone to lean on with your friends, okay?”

His spiel is incredibly heartwarming, and we can understand that he states these things from his own heart. However, he keeps it impersonal, stating "your friends" (not “me” or “us”) and instead allowing Shin-Ae to define whether he fits under that category as well. Yeong-gi is no longer trying to assert his friendship anymore.

After opening up more in response and letting the boys take her to the hospital to stay with her father, she removes the "Stalker" in Yeong-gi's contact name in her phone, showing development in their relationship since they first met and a large difference in how she sees him now — they're friends, and she thinks so too.

Ep. 89 | Insolence, but only for Shin-ae (and only in secret) & a Kousuke/Yeong-gi parallel

After learning of Shin-Ae's etiquette classes, Yeong-gi enters Kousuke’s office, specifically to start trouble with him. Yeong-gi is shown to try his best lately to obey his family members (namely his father), but once again we see how he is fine with starting trouble, even if it costs him, if it's for those he cares about — despite Kousuke reminding Yeong-gi of the repercussions of getting in trouble with their father, Yeong-gi doesn’t back down.

Kousuke: “You know you’re only going to anger father if he catches you being indolent.”

Yeong-gi: “I don’t give a crap if he finds out.”

Yeong-gi then aggressively asks him about the classes Kousuke put her in:

Kousuke: “It’s for her own good.”

Yeong-gi: “What do you mean, her own good?”

Kousuke: “... She’s the worst employee I’ve ever seen, so I signed her up for classes to fix her issues.”

Yeong-gi: “Have you ever voiced your concerns… tell her what she can improve upon? … She may have her flaws, but she’s a lot more capable than you think!”

Kousuke: “I’m preparing her for what’s to come her way in the future.”

Yeong-gi: “You don’t even know if she wants this career for her future! Everytime I see her, she’s miserable. Like she wants to leave. She’s uncomfortable!”

In my black and white formal analysis, I discuss how there are multiple instances— where Yeong-gi and Kousuke, as well as how they affect Shin-Ae, are purposefully contrasted — and this is paralleled here.

Consistently in these instances, (although Kousuke’s intentions are often good) Yeong-gi is shown to be the one who best understands Shin-Ae. At the very least, Yeong-gi is shown here to care for Shin-Ae enough to confront his brother and potentially face the wrath of his father, despite trying especially hard to be in their good graces recently.

However, it is important to note — Yeong-gi goes out of his way to ensure his intentions of helping Shin-ae are indirect and she does not know. Instead, he tries to help her in roundabout ways, secretly.

Yeong-gi does not want his good intentions to reach her.

Conclusions

Yeong-gi displays a notable difference in how he acts, especially around Shin-ae. His new emerging feelings conflict his insecurities, resulting in a standoffish Yeong-gi who is secretive in his affection, and calculatingly tries to distance himself from Shin-ae. But... this isn't what he truly wants, and is instead, another form of self-sabotage.

However, as time goes on, Yeong-gi cannot keep this facade up indefinitely... and he's occasionally caught off guard, giving us glimpses into what he truly feels.

[sophiamcdougall]

So, there’s something I think is missing from the Booker Discourse and the focus on anger vs forgiveness, and whether Booker’s “punishment” is too harsh and who’s responsible if so, and its absence is beginning to slightly disturb me and it’s this: They don’t punish Booker. At all. 

No, really.

It’s one of the things I really like about the film -- how compassionately it treats Booker, both on a narrative and on an inter-character level. In most genre films wrongs against the good guys are usually settled with riproaring vengeance, even if in some the hero conveniently gets not to be the one to enact it directly.  But in the moment Booker’s betrayal becomes clear, character beats we have taken for mere melancholy click into place as heartwrenching grief and suicidal depression. We’re encouraged to grieve for him. We see Andy and Nile’s empathy for him. We see Nicky urging Joe to stop shouting at him even before they yet have any hope of escape. We don’t see a  moment of explicit compassion/restraint from Joe, but he does instantly put aside his anger to accept Andy’s decision that Booker’s coming with them, and does nothing to sabotage that choice. (In fact, it’s unthinkable that he would, but in plenty of action films it wouldn’t be.) And I agree with some of the arguments I’ve recently seen – the intensity of Joe’s fury isn’t necessarily a measure of how long it would last.

And then, as I say, they don’t punish him.

They don’t beat him up. They don’t work off steam killing and re-killing him. They don’t leave him for Kosak, or for the police. Of course they’d never do a full Quynh on him but putting him a box for ... a year? Six months? A week? It would be an option. They don’t do that, either.   

They simply stop hanging out with him. And they have the extraordinary grace to promise this won’t be permanent. And Andy, whom he shot in the back, sees him off with a goodbye hug.

I’m seeing a lot of debate about whether Joe (hotheaded, passionate) vs Nicky (still waters run deep) is The Angry One and which one of them might, by contrast, have been totally fine letting Booker back into the group immediately. I think you can plausibly headcanon the first part of that various ways. Personally I think Nicky would take a more severe line than Joe, although, as I’m about to argue, I don’t think that necessarily has to mean he’s “angrier”.)

What I don’t think you can plausibly headcanon is that either would actually be “fine” taking Booker back immediately, or any time soon.

Now I want to preface this with pointing out that anger is a completely natural and appropriate response to being hurt and whoever is The Angry One out of Nicky and Joe, has every right to that feeling. And to be fair I don’t think that’s really being disputed. But there does seem to be the idea that The Situation  – Anger = Everything’s Fine Now! And I do think it’s slightly ... victim-blamey, like the barrier to HEA isn’t what Booker did, it’s how long the people he hurt retain one specific emotion about it.  Whoever’s angriest is being staggeringly generous to Booker, and the result is 100% compatible with their not being “angry” at all. It’s compatible with “forgiveness” having already taken place. Just for a minute imagine writing to ... Captain Awkward, or Dear Prudence or Reddit Relationships. And explaining that your friend placed you in the power of people who wanted to hurt you, deliberately exposed you to very serious danger and your worst personal fear, and caused you to watch your partner trapped and in pain for somewhere in the ballpark of 48 hours ...  BUT, he is going through some very bad shit, guys, and you really do feel for him. Imagine what the response would be.  (”My friend wanted to commit suicide-by-cop, so he planted weed/guns in the car with me and my husband in it and called the police, although he knows we both have a particular phobia of cops after what happened to another friend who was arrested a while back. Oh and he attacked our other friend, because he wanted to be totally sure the cops would come for him, but he only meant to knock her out not to nearly kill her and he’s depressed and very sorry. I still want to put our friendship on a break. AITA?”)  They would yell at you to oh my god get away from him WTF how is this even a question please get some therapy learn to love yourself. 

And if you repeated that he’s really sad! And it went down worse than he thought it would! And you don’t want to hurt him! they would yell that it’s not about hurting him it’s about protecting you.   Just ... think about it. Imagine you’re either Joe or Nicky. Assume your anger has already completely evaporated, whether you think that’s in-character or not, and imagine you feel truly sorry for Booker. Take the most generous stance on what he did that you can. Fine. But every time you turn your back on him, or see him go off on a mission alone with one of the others ... how do you feel? Even if you don’t think he’d actually do this again, do you feel safe? 

 And imagine trying to recover from the trauma of what just happened to you. Imagine how much it would help to take refuge in all the soft, “family” touches which were also such a refreshing distinguishing feature of this film. Gift exchanges and bets and TV and hugs. Imagine trying to do that with the person who put you through it right. there.

 Nicky and/or Joe could honestly wish Booker no suffering at all, nothing but recovery and healing and peace, and Booker would still be a walking PTSD trigger and working/socialising with him would be downright self-destructive. 

Now, of course this is unpleasant for Booker because he’s already lonely and self-hating and it’s difficult -- though not necessarily impossible! -- for any of them to form a support system outside the group. But that really isn’t the team’s responsibility and, what is really the alternative? 

Maybe it’s being framed so much as “punishment” because Andy says “there has to be a price.” And there does; the consequences of Booker’s choice will unfold in some way whatever they do. The team do not have the option of simply resetting to normal, even if they wanted to. The only question is only who carries the weight of those consequences and how. Should Nicky and Joe have to pretend to feel comfortable around Booker, should they force themselves to go through the motions of friendship – hug him, smile at him, pass him a coffee – while their shoulders go up around their ears whenever he’s in the room, regardless of what that means for their own healing?

The injustice of that should be obvious but even if they did it, even if they made that colossal sacrifice for the person who just hurt them, would it really help Booker? Imagine being him and settling down to watch the football beside Joe and knowing what he likely remembers whenever he looks at you. Honestly, I don’t see that being a healthy path to recovery for him either.

Or OK. Maybe they don’t put on an act. They  keep spending time with him, but they don’t try to hide the nightmares and the flashbacks or the way their smiles drop whenever he comes into the room. Maybe they flinch whenever he gets too close and sometimes they yell at him but they all have to put that on hold every time there’s a mission and somehow they also they try to be his therapists?

I don’t know, it sounds a lot kinder to everyone to just get some fucking space.

Not hanging out with someone who gravely hurt you isn’t punishment, it’s basic boundaries and self-care for you and I’m beginning to worry about what it means that many of you don’t seem to know that.

[tendercoretroglodyke]

... I’m interested in legitimately gay Reese (I assume one piece of evidence is “look at what they’re doing and tell me you’re not gay”)

okay this is like 2 days late but this is why reese malcolminthemiddle is legitimately gay:

(side note: did anyone need a queer media thesis paper or something... I am willing to share lmao)

so none of this is like... rock solid evidence or anything but I need to believe at least one main character of a show is gay and/or trans to maintain interest and reese is the most plausible gay character. also it’s early 2000′s so he just gets a lot of vaguely homophobic jokes lmao

first of all, yes, the biggest piece of evidence he’s gay is those lines from that episode I quoted the other day--thinking malcolm is gay, he tries to show his support by giving him a gay porno: “’Naught Pool Boys 3!’ I watched 10 or 12 of these, and this one seems to have the most stuff you guys like.” and when malcolm says he isn’t gay, reese responds “Malcolm. Check out what those guys are doing in that movie, and THEN tell me you’re not gay.”-- so, 1) reese sat down and watched like a dozen gay porn movies to ““find a good one for his gay brother”” and 2) he thinks malcolm would reconsider his heterosexuality if he watched what was in that movie, implying that HE reconsidered his sexuality after watching that movie, or at the very least found it hot

in the same episode, the character tricking malcolm into thinking reese is gay lists the following as evidence: he obsesses over his hair and his looks, loves his gourmet cooking, has a bunch of magazines covered in comically muscular men, and that he’s angry and acts like a jerk because he’s “dealing with something weird and confusing.” now obviously, the obsession with hair/looks can be chalked up to the fact that he’s a teenage boy, and there’s nothing inherently gay about enjoying cooking. the dozen magazines of muscle-bound men could certainly be taken as gay evidence, though, and it IS established in the show that his entire bully persona is his way of masking his inner feelings and insecurities. there’s literally a whole episode where he & malcolm realize they have no friends because they act like little shits to push people away because they’re afraid of rejection and/or abandonment from their peers. they ostracize themselves before they can be ostracized by the other students at school. I could probably write a whole other essay on reese’s psyche tbqh lmao there’s a shocking amount there!!

of the brothers who are actually old enough to be attracted to girls (reese, malcolm, and francis), he shows the least interest. now bear with me here. you might be thinking, “well, yeah, it’s malcolm’s show, we’re not gonna see things from other people’s perspective!” but that is actually surprisingly untrue, the show is very much equally shown from each family members’ perspectives. starting about s2, when malcolm is in early middle school, he starts getting crushes on girls and pursuing them. francis goes after a few women in the first couple seasons and then marries a woman we see a lot throughout the show. 

in the roughly... 130?? episodes I have watched so far, nearly all of reese’s “interest” in girls involve either: competition with malcolm, genuinely just liking her as a friend, or some completely ulterior motive. the only exception to this I can think of is in the early seasons where he has a crush on a cheerleader and tries to get on her good side by joining the cheerleading squad, which the writers clearly set up as a way to make gay jokes about reese. let me give you a few examples of his relationships with girls

the first relationship we see him in is with a “stupid girl” that malcolm tried (and failed) to date, and the main reason they get together is that they think on the same wavelength and genuinely seem to enjoy hanging out. they take breaks from their bro chats to make out every once in a while. eventually he gets her to break up with him because he doesn’t want to go to the school dance with her (he doesn’t want to go at all). years later, he’s dating some girl we meet for like 5 minutes, before he goes to confess to her that she’s the first girl he’s ever loved. she then breaks up with him. he’s sad, but taking it fairly well. he’s about to leave when he sees malcolm hiding under the bed, and learns that he stole his girlfriend. he then runs away to join the army. he was clearly MUCH more upset that his brother stole his girlfriend than he was that his girlfriend broke up with him. there are many more instances of him and malcolm competing for a girl’s affections, and he seems mostly motivated by the competition itself.

in addition to “stupid girl,” he also manufactures an “attraction” to his female army buddy in the last season. the premise of this episode is that his old army buddy (a girl he play-wrestles with and insults like he would his own brothers) comes to visit him, and malcolm convinces reese that she’s attracted to him, and that reese’s nervousness at learning that fact is proof he’s in love with her. there’s a misunderstanding where reese asks her if she has certain “feelings” and she says she does, but what she ACTUALLY means is that she has a crush on reese’s MOM. she’s a lesbian. reese later propositions her (saying he’s saved his virginity for this--he’s probably about 18 here), and when she says omg no im gay, he is HUGELY relieved they can go back to being friends. CLASSIC mlm/wlw friendship moment. 

there’s an episode where these cute girls pick up reese (& nerds) to kiss in front of their boyfriends to make them jealous. reese is all for it, and when malcolm argues that it’s not worth his dignity and the beating he’ll get from the girl’s boyfriend, reese counters that that’s WHY he wants to do this--he’s completely invisible at school, and thinks getting beaten up for kissing some guy’s girlfriend will at least make him known around school. at no point does he indicate he’s actually attracted to this girl, and when it comes time to kiss her, he finds the weakest excuse to run away at the last minute. 

im not gonna list all of these but there’s more lmao

the following is a random assortment of one-off gay jokes and out-of-context lines with gay reese implications, often homophobically bc its early 2000′s writing:

says “I’m gay” to a girl to give malcolm a better shot at her

(again in competition with malcolm) tries to flirt with a girl by spraying milk in her face as the punchline to a joke, which is. well. hm. self-sabotaging, to say the least!!

Reese: “Do you think it’s right to totally change who you are and turn your back on EVERYTHING you believe in, just to impress a hot guy??” [his dad gives a long, blank stare, before asking:] “...Burt Reynolds hot, or Sting hot?”

“YEAH I like clouds! I call them sky kittens :)” (I just think that one’s sweet!)

“Look, Christie, here’s the thing. When I first met you, I was just messing around. But we’ve gotten so close that, now... I really like you! I can’t keep this up anymore. I’m not the person you think I am. I’ve been pretending since the day I met you. It’s so hard having to constantly cover my tracks to keep my story straight... and I don’t WANT to anymore! I’m tired of living this lie! I’m done with it. I’m sorry.”

he catfishes some guy to blackmail him, but is implied to continue the flirtation even after the catfishing/blackmail is revealed

reese is, technically, married to a man. this particular plot point is played as a joke and manages to be both racist and homophobic, so I won’t go into it. but I believe he is still married to that man. technically.

reese takes care of a huge box full of caterpillars until they pupate and become beautiful butterflies. I feel like there’s some kind of gay coming out metaphor here somewhere.

I think there are a couple other times where he comments on a guy’s attractiveness but I couldn’t find specific instances.

In conclusion: Reese is a deeply repressed gay kid who was socialized SO thoroughly as an early 2000′s straight boy that, despite his attraction for men and his obvious compulsory heterosexuality, he still cannot admit to himself that he is gay even as he enters adulthood. Furthermore, his subconscious frustration about this fact is turned outward to form the “schoolyard bully” costume he uses to mask his insecurities and keep others from getting too close to him. 

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. I could be convinced to come back for another talk about how Dewey is trans or about how each and every member of that family is neurodivergent in entirely different ways. Assuming anyone has read this far in the first place!!