#like full offense but i really am just failing at life lmao

[ajarofpickledtears]

why does Stuff (tm) take up so much energy

[eoieopda]

jade. my soulmate. co-parent of our brain cell. the time has come—i have worked up the courage to send you a request.

i am thinking of the absolute love of my life park jimin. like estranged friends to lovers (not necessarily bad blood, just time and life caused distance between them)? fluffy like so fluffy but a hint of angst if you squint?? perhaps song inspo ‘find me here’ by hayley williams???

love u, sending this made me NERVOUS LMAO

OH, BINCH, I AM READY.

As the saying goes, two things in life are inevitable: death and taxes. As far as Park Jimin is concerned, that list is non-exhaustive, woefully incomplete. It fails to account for the one thing he knows is certain.

When he left his apartment that morning, Jimin didn’t necessarily expect to run into you. The Google calendar you once shared had been out of commission for nearly a year; and your paths hadn’t crossed in the meantime. He had no reason to know that your plans for the day included sitting riverside, sipping coffee, and watching the water. Despite that fact, it doesn’t surprise him to find you there now.

It just makes sense.

You’re daydreaming when Jimin sits down next to you. He gets so caught up in that thoughtful crease between your eyebrows that he forgets to make his presence known for more than a few minutes. You don’t even jump when he eventually decides to speak rather than stare. Finding him doesn’t seem to be a shock to you, either.

“Hey,” you sigh as if you’re relieved, and you are all smiles.

Jimin echoes your greeting in that same, soft tone, and it’s easy, like the last time he said it wasn’t twelve months ago. He’s grateful for that — for the lack of theatrics. It isn’t a dramatic reunion; there’s no gasp, no tears, no oh my gods. There’s you and him, falling into lockstep without so much as a stumble.

Glancing down at the travel mug in your hands, Jimin confirms that he knows exactly what he’s looking at. Right above your thumb, he finds the accidental dent you made in the metal when you knocked it off his kitchen counter two years earlier. The sight of it has him warm all over.

He doesn’t have to guess that it’s full of the medium roast from that café up the street, but he does have to ask: “One shot of espresso, or two?”

You grimace and Jimin knows exactly what that look means.

Eyes wide with mirth, he snorts, “Three? Shit. Don’t tell me you’re still staying up until sunrise.”

“Excuse you,” you gasp in feigned offense, swatting playfully at his bicep. Thank god some things never change. “I’ll have you know that I went to bed at midnight last night like a responsible adult!”

Jimin makes a big show of rubbing the spot where the back of your hand collided with his jacket. He relishes the way you roll your eyes at him for doing so. “Responsible is debatable, but I’ll concede that — for you — midnight is impressive.”

“I know, right?” you snicker. There’s a beat, then you blink at him expectantly. “Please clap.”

With your face lit up like that, how could he not?

“Proud of you,” He chuckles as you bow through his applause. And he means it, he really does. Sleep never came naturally to you, yet here you are, willingly going to bed before the moon does.

When it grows quiet again, that feels easy, too. It’s just as comfortable as it ever was, sitting silently next to you. Jimin realizes now just how much he’s missed this. Missed you, missed existing on the same page.

In any other circumstance, with anyone else, Jimin would feel obligated to keep the conversation going. He’d volley small talk until he was exhausted; fill every lull and refuse to let the mood hit the floor. Social interactions have always felt like endurance exercises — but not with you. Not then, and thank god, not now.

You’re looking straight ahead, shoulder leaning ever-so-slightly into his, when you eventually do speak. “Thank you.”

Now, Jimin is surprised.

“I don’t think I said it before I left, so I need to say it now,” you quietly answer before he can ask.

You turn to look at him and find that his eyes are already trained on you. It’s hard to put a finger on it, but there’s more of you now than there was the last time Jimin saw you. The glow you used to have — the one that had started to dim — was back, brighter than ever.

Happiness looks good on you, he thinks.

“I don’t think I would’ve gotten my shit together if it wasn’t for you,” You sigh. Then, you slot your fingers into the spaces between his without any hesitation at all. “I needed to — like, really needed to — but I wouldn’t have seen it if you didn’t point it out.”

Jimin squeezes the hand he didn’t want to let go of in the first place. It would’ve been selfish of him to cling to it back then, but it was a gamble not to. He threw in all his chips and hoped that you were the boomerang he thought you were; that you’d come back to him when you were ready.

You were, and are, a safe bet — one he’d take every single time — so Jimin gambles again.

He leans in slowly and you lean, too. Even though it’s the first time, the way you kiss him back feels natural.

Inevitable.

[loved2]

Not me live blogging my random awakening don’t read if you don’t like long posts, astrology, or spirituality

Sometimes i get on here and get lost in all the ideas/identities i’d like to embody. Sometimes i get insecure or start comparing myself. I get out of that real quick tho, i am fairly strong in my identity but i just have a need to be MORE at times. I’ve gotten to know myself so well this year so when this happens i know it’s just bc i have this constant desire to be/do everything all at once. These spirals always lead to the most beautiful & enlightening pieces of clarity/synchronicity. Today: i realized the most fulfilling compliment i receive is the one i receive the most & didn’t even notice or took as a compliment. I always get told that my optimistic view on everything has helped people to change their entire perspectives on life & be a bit more encouraged. Everyone i’ve ever met irl & talked to for more than 15 min (with the exception of certain family members of course) has told me that i’ve changed their life/beliefs or made a big impact on it. I also get complimented on the way i teach, give random intuitive messages and my readings but I always play it off and think no, i can’t possibly have done this or this isn’t really true or i’m not THAT rooted and it’s just an offense at my being at this point tbh. Why would you even downplay yourself like that. I guess what i mean to say is, why are we so unkind to ourselves sometimes for no reason. You wouldn’t discourage your bestfriend like that would you? And it’s funny bc today i spent a bit too much time on social media today, which i never do anymore but it was my first “free” day in 6 months and i was just too tired so i forced myself to be free. I went on ig for inspiration for one of my new projects, ended up making a 20 page document containing an more-extreme-plan than before (while i was going to take it easier these few months) dedicated to improving myself even more/trying to take every new thing available to me, bc i’ve improved so much already, & do it all at once. The final thing i wrote was “practice giving love to & trusting myself more” lmao isn’t that ironic? Maybe it’s bc i’m h*gh (after abstaining from it completely for 3 months and decidening to never do it again but felt it was “calling” to me to receive clarity for my launch” but that was the perfect test. Every time i move away from my true purpose/desires the Divine will always reminds me/call me back. This thing got triggered bc as i was fighting myself (creating that extreme list/decided to go another route than what i know i truly want) today i saw a post about one of you guys’ marriages and then a random picture of motherhood on the next reblog from someone else, i gave in lmao. I was trying to convince myself that i want to throw myself into “professional” business even more than “spiritual business” when i know that’s not the case dhsgsh. I saw the family, got emotional bc i desired that so much and wrote this stupid post giving in vebshsbsba. No better feeling than some good clarity, calling you back. LMAO h^gh downloads are so fun i’ve missed this feeling of realizing/reflecting on things coming full circle. I am just a literal lover girl (libra MC) and venus in scorpio. Perfect realization for Cancer being in my 7th house (& also debating/denying that i did not in fact want a cancer 7th house type man but maybe more of a capricorn/aries bc that’s my 1st and 4th house and that’s where my issues are lmao so i am healing that first). Not me self-analyzing on the innernet. Anyway let’s disregard that- Astrology is literally just a tool to help us navigate & you are the one who interprets the energy. The energy always plays out, it never fails. Interpretation may differ but never the true energy/essence. Yes so basically what it all comes down to, i am ready for THE one, more of a cancer 7th house type man and not cap or aries, i am also indeed not such a professional/corporate business career type gal as i was trying to convince myself when i knew i wasn’t and knew my true passions lays in more “deeper” work like i do in my readings/consultations and those are indeed, not just hobbies, but also my “purpose”. Anyway i love being able to help people in this way, this is what i’m supposed to be doing i love being so in tune, being sensitive isn’t so bad after all lmao my libra MC is so fiiting for me my brand mark is literally “The Only Lover Left Alive” as corny as may be, it’s so cheesy i love it. I also just love the color pink a bit too much i am such a venus bitch. And Emerald, god i would die for the color. If i could eat it up and embody it- actually that is what i’ve been doing lately and it’s been working for me. I am so green. Idk what that means but that’s how i feel. Anyway sorry for my high rambling- no this is me embarassed (how do you spell this?) at my attempt to accept my random spurts to need to share my awakenings but nothing else about me personally- oh just about the most intimate/personal thing i possibly think of sharing- oh yes perfect. My scorpio sun would LOVE that, adore even ._.< Anyway, thanks for coming to my jupiters cave session.

[toshisslut]

Having a Black/AfricanAmerican GF

➤ HC, 1.4k words

➤ pairing: akaashi keiji x female reader, bokuto kotaro x female reader 

➤ genre: fluff with a lil bit of angst

➤ warnings: lil bit of angst and implied racism

This was actually inspired by an account who did a hc about dating a latina.(i can’t remember who so if you know please let me know!) i thought it was super cute and also? idk, i’m just a black fan and i’d like to think about what it would be like dating them. sue me :P 

Akaashi Keiji

So like, Keiji is already super down to earth and laid back so he takes everything in stride.

When you’re not with him he spends his time looking up cultural things so that he can understand you better

AAVE trips him up tho but that, too, he studies and researches bc he just wants to understand you better

Tbh he didn’t quite get your ThingTM about your hair but he’s not rude about it. Instead he just sits and listens to you when you talk about the teasing/trauma you went through about it

For a whole day he’s just silently mad bc “wtf, who teases someone about their hair like that? Why the hell would someone do that?” 

“Babe, it’s okay.”

“It is absolutely not okay” 

Cue soft yet angry keiji who hugs you tight and gives you kisses throughout the day, but when he’s not doing that he’s muttering to himself, cussing up a storm.

You’re nervous to meet his friends but like, he’s already beat it over their heads that if they say anything rude/offensive then he’s breaking their wrists and ankles

By accident he starts using your hair care stuff (he gets scolded bc that shit is expensive but once he starts pitching in to help you buy some he gets a pass) 

Now y’all’s hair smells like cantu and coconut oil lmao 

And THEN, of course, he starts using your skin cares stuff

“Your skin is just always so soft.” but what he doesn’t tell you is that he just loves the way you smell and him using your products is just a way for him to always be able to smell you

“Keiji,”You whine, “You’ve used up almost all of my conditioner again.” 

“Not my fault it makes my hair feel nice.” 

You roll your eyes but you aren’t mad. Not when he pitches in an equal, if not an even greater amount of money into your haircare and skincare budget. At first you assumed it was to be nice, but then you realized that he was most certainly using the products as well. 

You reach over and run your fingers through his hair. It’s much straighter than yours, so he has to use a lot less of the product to avoid the risk of making his hair oily. But now, you assume, he must have found the right ratio between his own products and yours because his hair feels amazing. 

Soft. Fluffy. 

“No fair,”You say as you pout, flopping down beside him onto the couch. “You already have pretty lashes and smooth skin, now you’re using my products and getting better results than me.” 

He wraps his arms around your waist and brings onto his lap, his work long since forgotten. “Sorry, baby.” 

“Something tells me that you’re not really sorry.” 

He’s not, but he doesn’t say that. Instead he buries his face into the place where your shoulder meets your neck. He takes in your scent and smiles, though his expression his hidden by the position the two of you are in. 

“Keiji.”You whine, pouting still. 

His smile grows wider. Yes, say his name more. He loves the way you say his name. The way it rolls off of your tongue. Your Japanese is getting better, but there’s still a cute little twang to your voice; specifically, when you say his name. (he hopes that never changes)

“Fine. How about I run us a bubble bath together, hm? Then we can do your skincare regimen together.” 

You know that this is his way of getting to use your skincare stuff too, but he’s rubbing your back in soothing circles and the way his lips brush against your neck is distracting. 

“Aren’t you...aren’t you worried that your friends will tease you for smelling like your girlfriend?” 

He turns his head and kisses your jawline. “Not at all.” 

Because really, he’s not. He’s never really cared when they teased him anyway, but he especially doesn’t care about them teasing him about this. He loves the way you smell. The way you feel. Your smile. Your laughter—everything about you really. Using your products helps him to carry your scent around with him, giving him a nice reminder throughout the day of you and everything about you that he adores. 

Bokuto Kotaro

THIS boy

Oh my goodness

So like, Bokuto is just a people person. Super sociable and friendly

Y’all probably meet while he’s in the states for a game and he’s chilling, talking to Hinata and then boom, spits out his drink bc pretty lady

He’s not super shy when it comes to introducing himself but he doesn’t get your number right away and then gets into a slump

Was it the language barrier? Was it just that she doesn’t think I’m good looking?

Calls up Akaashi like “bro oh my goodness i met the love of my life but what if she just doesn’t want me :((“

And ofc Akaashi was asleep (bc time difference) and he’s irritated bc WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AS SOON AS I ANSWER THE PHONE??? But he tries to be a good friend regardless and is just like “then study some english, dummy” 

So Bokuto does

And like, he wasn’t the super best at studying in school but you bet your ass that he’s trying his damndest now

When y’all finally start dating he’s on cloud nine. Cutest boyfriend. Always showering you in compliments and affection

He doesn’t notice the stares that you two get from people (both Americans and Japanese folk alike) bc he’s just super heart eyes until one day and you’re just so uncomfortable. And he’s like “baby?? You okay??” 

You try to explain to him that it’s because people are staring and he’s just like “well yeah, bc you’re hot? And so am I????” 

Oh poor baby, he gets so upset when he finally gets what you mean. He’s so mad too bc like, who cares that y’all aren’t the same race? As long as you love each other because that’s what is supposed to be most important, right??

He gets super miffed about it but rather than going off on strangers every time it happens, he instead just turns to you to assure you that he loves you from the absolute bottom of his heart to the tippy top

“Bokuto-san, is that girl really your new girlfriend?”Asks one of the team’s athletic trainers.

Bokuto smiles with pride because why yes, y/n is his girlfriend and he is absolutely proud of it. You’re like sunshine to him. You make him so happy. 

“Yeah,”He replies, “She is.” 

The smile on his face fades when the trainer’s face scrunches up into a grimace. “Ahh, but Bokuto-san, you’re so popular in Japan. Do you really need a girl like her?” 

You and Bokuto had been through this before. Some family members and some friends (could you two even call them friends at that point?) had made similar comments to the both of you. Some of them tried to be passive aggressive about it while others just straight up voiced their displeasure at your coupling. 

It was none of their business though. 

Not at all. 

“And what is that supposed to mean?”He asks the trainer, standing to his full height of 6’2. He towers over the short man and stares him down. Waiting. He’s waiting for an answer but all the trainer can do is stutter and shake. “Oh come on, don’t go silent on me now. You had so much to say only a couple of seconds ago. Speak. Up.” 

“I just meant...well, are you sure she’s a good look for you?” 

That sets him off. 

The conversation between the two of them had gone widely unnoticed by those in the room. That is, of course, until Bokuto was about to swing on him. Then chaos broke out. It took Atsumu and Oikawa to hold him back.

(Hinata tried but failed. He grabbed onto Bokuto’s arm but basically just had to hold on for dear life as Bokuto flung his arm about)

The athletic trainer gets fired because there’s no way Bokuto would ever even think about working with him again and, once he told his teammates about what happened, they stood behind him. (They like you a lot and they’ll be damned if you get talked about like that)

No one tells you anything but when Bokuto meets up with you that night for dinner, he hugs you a bit tighter and kisses you for just a bit longer. 

Because, yeah, he may not care what other people say or think when it comes to your relationship, but you’re his #1. He’ll be damned if he lets anyone speak about you in his presence. 

perhaps i’ll continue this as a series with other characters (or maybe even more oneshots? idk,,,lemme know!)

[daaziscoolbesties]

i yearn for one(1) thing only, and that is to have a nice, simplistic, cartoonish artstyle. an artstyle that doesnt rely on anatomy, but the "movement" of the drawing, if you get what i mean.

i dont want realistic proportions and traditional colors and basic poses and gradient shading, i want funky lil dudes in funky poses with funky styles littering my sketchbook :( but alas i havent figured out how to develop that kind of style yet, my brain wants anatomy to look nice but also i dont want to draw eyes. i dont want to take time out of my day to learn how to draw lips i want to draw a line that extends past the characters face. i dont want all my characters to have pointy chins with curved cheeks i want their heads to be round and friend-like or full of sharp edges depending on their personalities and styles. i want to give them all not-quite human ears, blob feet, simple faces, but at the same time i want enough detail to convey the story or emotion im trying to tell.

ive spent so much time recently agonizing over how to use 3d model websites, using real-life references and tracing over them for practice, color-picking from real images to try and do realism and failing miserably, but you know whats easier than that? funky little dudes. little dudes who do not care if their legs are too long or their hair is too bouncy. i dont want my characters to look human.

ive spent enough time on the artfight website to realize that most people who classify their characters as "human" have the most basic ass designs (no offense to people who like basic human designs its just not my thing) or its like dnd-medieval style outfits which i cant draw for the life of me (ive tried). again no offense to people who actively enjoy and draw characters like that. i just need my dudes to have that certain,,, off-ness to them. tails are cool. wings are swag (especially if they arent even like,, fully attached,, ), elf ears are so wonderful to me no matter how much theyre overused, horns are so much fun to draw, and colors!! i have no knowledge in the color theory department so this works great for me!! the only thing i really know is dont shade with black, other than that i just colorpick from references usually but i dont want to do that!! i want the colors to hurt people's eyes but in a satisfying way. like the character's design is so nice to look at that you dont mind your eyes hurting a bit. like how im enjoying writing this post even though its 2 am and the brightness on my computer wont go any lower.

and then another thing ive noticed from being on the artfight website is that a lot of people classify their characters that are anthro/have anthro features under humanoids/monsters. like i made a google form to find some people to attack and someone sent me in a character with some sort of animal (wolf? idk) arms and legs. like dude!! peak character design i love her. but me personally? i cant draw that shit, its so hard for me. i tried a while back and its just Not my thing. nothing against furries i just. cant. and i dont want to either.

and i got another submission that i accidentally deleted that was like full anthro/wolf-like like my comrade,,, i cannot draw animals what makes you think i can draw an animal who acts like a human lmao. i can do like. very basic tails, and also animal ears but i cant do the arms and legs and such i just dont know the anatomy, and i know i was talking about how i dont want to care about anatomy but i feel like for anthros you really do need to know at least basic animal anatomy so you know how the limbs look and shit and i dont have that knowledge and dont feel like gaining it.

and then there were some submissions that i absolutely adored. there was one that like, was vaguely human shaped but definitely was not a human. they had a dark-ish lavender colored skin and horns and tusks and like goat ears and a sorta fluffy tail with spikes on it and they had wings and such and they were such a pleasure to draw i love them. and they had a fairly simple outfit too, nothing too complicated. and then i also enjoy object head characters, theyre so neato to me. i got one of those and i really wish i had the motivation to work on it cause it looks so fun.

i want to make funky characters but id have nothing to do with them because the only book i ever tried writing (key word tried - never got past planning it out) had strictly human characters in it, and most of the books i read are humans/humans with powers in situations specific to them so id have no idea what lore to make with the dudes. assuming i have the motivation to make lore and backstory because honestly i just really enjoy character designing its super duper fun.

(side note a song about trucks doing the deed came on just now and its interrupted my flow, apologies).

i only have three actual characters right now. one is an original roleplay oc whos design is literally athletic shorts, an oversized long sleeved grey sweatshirt, long purple hair, and demon horns. the second one is my persona whos design some sorta medival knight outfit kinda thing? but not ugly it looks really cool (idk one of my friends designed it bc i won some contest from him but the drawing was on a super small scale so idrk the details,,,) with a plague doctor mask and crown, and shoulder length wavy brown hair, dyed bright pink at the end. and then my last one im not too comfortable using other places because theyre a character my friend is using in the story hes writing, and thats really the only place theyve been used. but theyre easily my favorite and im already writing a ton so ill talk about them too.

they're a sorta elf species thing from another planet, with pale green skin and pointed ears. they also have a tail, its like,, super thin, but with a feathery bit at the end. probably not the texture of a feather but i dont know how else to describe it. they have short, curly, almost-draco-malfoy-blonde hair that when it gets too long they can put in a man bun. their eyesight is kinda shitty so when they got to earth, they were exploring some supply closets around the airship. drop off area. thing. like airport but for rocketships and also fancier. yeah. they were exploring that area and found a nice big pair of round glasses with grey frames. and they also found a cowboy-style hat and a sharpie so they wrote their name on the underside of the brim of the hat and stole the hat and glasses (but left the sharpie in the supply closet).

yeah theyre my favorite, my absolute beloved, my child, so cool. i want more characters like them but with maybe a bit more snazzier designs. theyre super cool and all but they could have more pizzazz if they werent in a story where its too late to give them more pizzazz. i just want to be able to give my characters thigh-high boots with a bunch of buckles and fluffy hair with tons of accessories crammed in and abnormally large and long ears that can harbor many piercings and horns that can hold rings on them and special little details on their outfits like who knows what but i dont have any characters to do that too, so i have to make them from scratch, which is always hard especially when you have artblock.

and i also have like 17 characters i need to fully draw, line, and maybe color for artfight before august 1st. so i dont know. i have many things to do and plenty of time to do it but instead i spend my time halfway watching repetitive youtube videos that get boring or sleeping all damn day because i stay up too late doing things like this or i just do nothing at all and its tiring and frustrating but i also feel nothing about it like theres no consequence if i dont do it besides you know. not doing it, not gaining that experience, not making something i enjoy.

so i should do it but i dont for whatever reason, i think its called executive dysfunction but im not sure. this post started out very differently than it ended and i said somewhere up there that i was writing this at 2 am but now its almost 3. this is so many words why couldnt i have put this energy into something productive

[im-the-punk-who]

I'm new to the fandom, but haven't gotten the chance to watch the show yet. Bit weird I know. I've been spoilered for bits and pieces and read some fanfic. Why is so much of the fandom silverflint when flinthamilton is there and so beautiful? I don't want to watch the show and become confused between the ships (lol). Thoughts?

OH BABE. WATCH THE SHOW - JOIN ME IN MY HELL HOLE.

Since you said you've been spoiled a bit, this does contain some spoilers for the show. Nothing major, but I dont think theres a way to talk about this otherwise. ❤

OKAY. I'm gonna say this as politically as possible, lmao, since there is...a healthy dose of animosity between people who ship silverflint and people who don't - mainly because the interpretations of John Silver's character are so varied.

For the record, enemies to lovers is my least favorite shipping trope, and silverflint is probably the biggest notp I've ever had. Edit: And Flinthamilton hits my absolutely favorite shipping trope, which is friends to lovers. We state our personal biases out front like REAL scientists of literature, lmao.  That said I have a bunch of mutuals who ship it and I try my darndest to uhhhh at least support them in that to the extent I'm able.

So, imo, the biggest reason silverflint is so popular is that they're the two characters with the most screentime together. Silver and Flint are on screen together in some capacity in just about every episode from the first to the last, and their plotlines and character developments are deeply intertwined. No matter what their actual relationship was, no matter if they were canon or if there were any actual romantic feelings between them, they were bound to be a big ship, especially since one of them is canonically attracted to men. Conversely, Thomas only has about 40 minutes of screentime in the entire series and it is all in flashback from before the series begins. Now of course he also has a lot of what I'll call 'off-screen callbacks' - James' entire character arc depends on his love and belief in Thomas' ideals - but he and James only interact for a very brief period of time and we really dont get a whole lot about Thomas himself.

There are reasons people ship both, and reasons people might be drawn to silverflint over flintham which all comes down to personal preference, but I really do think the biggest reason is their screentime disparity.

That said...even though Silverflint isn't canon, and Flintham IS the show's endgame, that doesnt make one more valid than the other as a ship because that's categorically not what fandom is about. I don't think there's a confusion to be had there, because there's no such thing as 'this is the right ship and this is the wrong one.' I have ships I doggedly sail that aren't canon and that for some are their notps. And I would quite literally fight to the death over them given half a chance. That's fandom!!

I will say that the reason silverflint is my notp is because I personally feel like the relationship becomes incredibly unhealthy when you put a romantic spin on it - but for some people that's the attraction! Or they don't have the same set of personal experiences I have that lead me to those conclusions! Just as a lot of people have experiences that sour them to him, John Silver is a very personal and relatable character to a lot of people. And honestly, if that's true why wouldn't they want to have him get with James Flint who is not only very beautiful but also technically perfect in every way and has never done anything wrong in his life, ever?

And that's okay! Again it's fandom! Everybody is right! You get validation! And you get validation! Everybody gets validation!!

(Lmao that's wrong - there are some people who are wrong but they're mostly wrong because they try to insist their views are the only corect ones.)

Idk what to tell you. Do I personally wish there was more flintham and less silverflint? For sure, lol. But that's because, let's be real - there was ABSOLUTELY NO WORLD where I wasn't going to be a rabid flintham shipper, and also absolutely no world in which I was going to like John Silver as a character enough to want him near my kin, my sun, my only light, my absolute unit of a child James Flint-McGraw-Hamilton any longer than absolutely necessary. I'm aware of my bias. I stand by it, but I am aware of it, lol. BUT HERE'S THE GREAT THING ANON IF YOU JOIN ME IN SHIPPER HELL WE CAN FIX THAT. BE THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE!!

My biggest advice is that, at its heart Black Sails is a show about stories and the personal bias inherent in them. Keep your mind open, and try not to let fandom influence your personal feelings towards what you find enjoyable. (Even me. If you end up shipping silverflint, I promise I will try very hard not to take offense lmao). Oh, and don't expect a happy ending for anyone. Black Sails is a tragedy, and in true tragedy form there are no happy endings for anyone except the british empire.

For the most part this is a great fandom and Black Sails itself is a show that I think everyone should watch - even if they aren't in it for the ships. While I have some major problems with it(particularly its treatment of its female characters) it's also hands down the best show I've ever seen in a lot of ways. It is full of not just the most pure and perfect mlm ship in Flintham but ALSO some great canon wlw ships, a dumb himbo who ruins everything, lots of POC - specifically a large number of really excellently portrayed black characters - and just...absolutely phenomenal writing. And it says gay rights with its fucking chest. And it contains the most heartbreakingly real portrayal of why revolutions fail and whose stories get told that like. I've ever, ever seen. I still cry when I think too hard about it please don't look at me.

ANYWAY LONG STORY SHORT WATCH BLACK SAILS. (James&Thomas 4eva)

(And, to that end uhhhh, here's some timestamps for violence against women in the first season. I've been meaning to add on for the other seasons but just haven't had time.)

[ais-n]

2| and where is the trauma? both hsin and boyd were severely sexually abused. and emilio's illness is always treated as a joke. look Ais, your series has done me so much good between the bad it did. i found i'm gay lmao and i'm grateful for that. i'm grateful that you wrote this ok. but there are things that were offensive, and maybe it was unconscious, since i doubt you wanted to be racist or write a mlm relationship but more like hetero. i wish i could just enjoy the books but my heart breaks

3| idk what the one who questioned that could possibly mean between all the things but thats what i mean. i appreciate you a lot. i hope this didn’t make you feel worse or whatever. but some people really did end up hurt badly after reading icos and im one of them. with all respect, and hope that i didnt disturb you much, farewell.

++++++++++++

Aha I just realized I can put both 2nd and 3rd asks in one! Which is good because, again, the gay comment makes me laugh out loud XD As I said in the other post, thank you again for reaching out, for explaining your concerns, and for the courage you no doubt had to bring forth in order to do so.

I’m getting right into the answers in this one although I will probably ask more questions for clarification on some of the points, as I did on the first one, to make sure I’m not misunderstanding or misinterpreting anything.

More below the cut! :)

EMILIO’S ILLNESS

I’m really sorry but I wasn’t sure what you meant by that. Which illness? How is it treated as a joke? Could you clarify? 

TRAUMA

So this I thought was super interesting that you felt there was no representation of trauma in ICoS, or I assume you also mean its aftereffects. That’s actually one of the few points I feel pretty confident saying the series does portray a lot of, both in some cases the experience of it and in other cases the repercussions. 

One of the reasons both of them are so severely dysfunctional individually and together is because of trauma.

I don’t want to muddy up this post with a huge tangent but someone had asked a few years ago about the result of the Aleixo mission on Boyd, if he was diagnosed with anything, and so on. If you’re interested, I wrote a long ass reply about the psychological effect of sex trafficking on survivors/victims and talked about some of the things you see Boyd do that are a bit reflective of that. More info at https://aisness.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/boyd-aleixo-psychology/

I think there probably would be more information on all this by now, or at least I certainly hope there would be, but at the time of writing Fade that was the sort of research that was available. 

Although, full disclosure, I don’t tend to write characters looking up the DSM symptoms for this or that; I write what feels right for them psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and oftentimes later look it up and realize they would have likely been diagnosed with this or that thing or they could be displaying traits of this or that.

At any rate, with Boyd, his trauma started early on, and pretty much everything about him is a reflection of that in some form. I don’t see trauma as specific to sexual assault; it’s most certainly a result of that but also of many other things. Boyd dealt with a lot of neglect and/or emotional abuse as a child, he was bullied by his peers, and generally speaking it was difficult for him to feel like he belonged anywhere. He was very often judged by others, often negatively, for things completely outside of his control, like his parents, their jobs, his home, the amount of money his family had, his looks, etc. 

If you look at the Mayo Clinic’s list of child abuse, Boyd falls pretty well under emotional abuse and a bit under neglect, and you can especially see the toll that had on his personality by reading the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse in particular:

Loss of self-confidence or self-esteem

Social withdrawal or a loss of interest or enthusiasm

Depression

Avoidance of certain situations, such as refusing to go to school or ride the bus

Desperately seeks affection

And general symptoms:

Withdrawal from friends or usual activities

Depression, anxiety or unusual fears, or a sudden loss of self-confidence

An apparent lack of supervision

Self-harm or attempts at suicide 

If you look at Complex PTSD, and in particular Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD) you can see a lot of Hsin:

Attachment – “problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others’ emotional states”

Behavioural control – “problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems”

Dissociation – “amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events”

I wouldn’t say Hsin dissociates quite that extensively but I feel like he does display some dissociative tendencies at times.

Boyd has some too, like

Self-concept – “fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self”.

I think in some ways you could argue they both display aspects of:

Affect or emotional regulation – “poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes”

When Boyd was little, he often wondered why other people were treated better than him - why, when he was getting perfect grades, he was going above and beyond whenever possible, when he was trying to be “a good boy” all the time, when he went out of his way to stay quiet and not bother anyone – why, despite all his attempts, other people were celebrate yet he was reviled, even if the people being celebrated were awful people doing awful things. He used to study other people relentlessly, trying to understand what it was about them that made them acceptable and what it was about him that made him not.

That’s why, despite being such an introvert, he’s good at blending in and going undercover; it’s why he can adjust to new situations and, in a way, act - because he always had to monitor and adjust himself his whole life just to feel seen and loved. His dad loved him on his own so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but with the trauma that came from the loss of his dad, and what happened with Lou, plus everything afterward, it really messed everything up.

Boyd was not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, but more of emotional abuse. Well, I guess, I should say for the most part he wasn’t.

Hsin was definitely a victim of childhood sexual abuse and probably physical abuse (that bit I can’t recall for sure). He was raped even as a small child, and that led into different aspects of his life. One reason, for example, he would go berserk and was seen by the Agency as unreliable in cases of him seeing sexual assault was because he saw, in some way, himself in those victims. It was probably his way of protecting people when he hadn’t been protected, himself. 

I can’t speak too much on Hsin’s specific mental health status or repercussions because I didn’t write him so I’m not fully in his mind, but I do know that sort of berserker aspect is part of what came from his sexual abuse and physical abuse and just generally how he grew up. If I recall correctly, a lot of that led into why he was so unstable and dangerous when Emilio first found him; why it took so long to get Hsin to find a way to deal with the violence and aggression and anger in him, in addition to everything else that would have happened regardless of that childhood trauma. Why, too, it was such a huge deal when Boyd was able to earn Hsin’s trust, because he had learned in his life to trust almost no one.

You can see some of the way they both display aspects of C-PTSD as adults as well in the list at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder#Adults

I should be clear: I am NOT a psychiatrist or psychologist so I’m not suggesting that they would be specifically diagnosed with any of these disorders were they to get official diagnoses. However, the reason I bring it up is to show that a lot of the series reflects the way their coping mechanisms lead them to interact within themselves and with the outside world, all of which is often directly or indirectly tied to trauma.

Why is Boyd so terrified of anyone seeing him without his shirt in the beginning? Trauma. Why is he depressed? Trauma. Why is he suicidal? Trauma. Why does he go out of his way to avoid a certain block? Trauma. I would have to look at specific symptoms of different things but I would guess that you could also tie back some of his instability and his sometimes inconsistent reactions to trauma as well. Sometimes he does things or says things that may seem a bit reckless, or cold, or some other unexpected thing at that time - and a lot of times it’s probably in part related to how he learned to cope with things and what his levels of defensiveness are or his fears are at that moment. But he also has a complete inability to see the good in himself for a long time which also ties back, I would think, to some of the things he experienced growing up/previously.

Boyd is an incredibly unreliable narrator. He spends most of his narration thinking about how awful he is, how he should just die, how he isn’t doing a good enough job, and so forth. Yet, that fails to show the impact of some of his choices and decisions. Boyd was pretty much the first person to treat Hsin like a normal human being, to not see him as a surrogate of anything or anyone, to not have any ulterior motives or expectations of him (no matter how well-intentioned), and to truly gain his trust as a result. Yet, Boyd didn’t really see it that way. He didn’t see how important it was for Hsin that he ended up in his life; he didn’t get why Hsin was exasperated the times Boyd said he (Boyd) should just die, that there was no value to his life. He didn’t believe he could be loved so he couldn’t see it was even a possibility at first. Therefore, he spends a lot of his narration over the series belittling himself and downplaying any of his own achievements while simultaneously rewarding or acknowledging what others around him are doing. Not every moment of his narration, of course, but his default state of self is to think he sucks and others are probably better.

Conversely, Hsin is a confident narrator. He often doesn’t doubt himself, doesn’t care what other people think, and is very sure of himself in a lot of aspects like his physical prowess which, itself, is already above and beyond nearly everyone else. Yet he also learned not to trust or rely on anyone else in his life, so he’s incredibly suspicious of others because that’s how he had to learn to be. So, especially in the beginning of the series, in his narration he tends to be very factual about his own achievements and not shy away from acknowledging the things that are powerful about him (even if he doesn’t always see it as anything that special), while simultaneously seeking out anything untrustworthy, unreliable, incompetent, or unworthy about those around him. His narration tends to point out the flaws of those around him because he learned that if he doesn’t protect himself, he’s vulnerable, and when he’s vulnerable he gets hurt.

The result of that is, if you read their narrations straight as if it’s all perfectly reliable, Boyd seems even more unreliable and Hsin seems even more perfect than they actually are, because their default states of being overlap in a manner which magnifies the flaws in Boyd and the merits in Hsin. 

Both of them learned to be how they were because of how they were raised, what they went through, and more. Same as how they react to various things throughout the series.

I can’t more specifically comment on anything without knowing what in particular you were thinking of when commenting in the ask about trauma and sexual abuse. But I think generally speaking, they already start the series having learned coping mechanisms that work for them based on trauma they already individually experienced. Those coping mechanisms end up oftentimes being challenged and at times destroyed or reworked throughout the course of the series. That is what leads to a lot of their ups and downs as individuals and as a couple; why their story isn’t a straight arc going up but instead derails a lot. And why they both spend the entirety of the series coming to terms with who they are both internally and externally, and what that means for their relationship, and how they can find a way to grow as a person and a significant other. They both ultimately have to work on trust; Boyd has to learn to trust himself, Hsin has to learn to trust others, and they have to learn to trust each other.

The way people deal with trauma is not the same for everyone. Sexual abuse doesn’t result in the same reaction for all people. I’m not sure if maybe one of the things you were thinking is maybe about sexual abuse during the series itself? I already linked something that goes more in depth on Fade so I won’t touch on that book, and I really can’t speak for Hsin because he isn’t my character so I don’t want to misrepresent his thought process as hidden behind narration or actions at different points.

The only other thing I can think of that maybe you’re thinking about is Boyd’s valentine status, and how he doesn’t seem to have overtly strong reactions to anything until Fade. If that’s one aspect of what you were thinking about, part of that is just how Boyd deals with things. He tends to avoid things that are difficult for him or he has difficulty focusing on, and oftentimes shuts down emotionally. 

I think honestly he probably dissociated to some extent during a lot of things; kind of separated his body from his mind and felt like whatever happened, happened. For a lot of the time that he was a valentine early on, he had such little love for himself that regardless of how upsetting anything was, how little he wanted to do certain things, he felt on some level like he deserved it. Some things were probably a subconscious form of self-punishment for being born, for being who he is, for surviving when Lou didn’t, for surviving when his dad didn’t, for never being enough for his mother, for just plain existing. Then as time went on he grew to rely on Hsin and find strength in him. It’s also not like every mission he had was a valentine one, or even that every valentine has to end in anything physical. 

That’s why he was able to find ways of dealing with things in some form, even if he didn’t like it or was uncomfortable at times, until the Aleixo mission. He thought he knew how to handle things; he thought he had found apt coping mechanisms. But that mission tore that all apart and nearly destroyed him. His coping mechanisms didn’t work the way they had and now he had to find a new way to survive, and from there came a lot of his instability and more that you see in Fade and as I mention in that blog post.

But in short, I feel like the majority of the series ends up touching, indirectly or directly, on some form of trauma as experienced currently or in the past by one or more of the main characters, and their resulting actions then drive the plot. That is one thing we were very specific about doing: having the plot adjust to the characters rather than force the characters to adjust to the plot. That’s why Afterimage exists, actually; the original plan was sort of like 3/4 of Evenfall and then kind of jumping into aspects of Fade. But we realized at the end of Evenfall that certain things would occur which would then lead to Afterimage and Afterimage then led into aspects of Interludes, which then led into aspects of right before Fade, which then affected a huge part of Fade itself, which then informed 1/27. We didn’t set out to write a series specifically about trauma, it’s just sort of one of those things that happens if you take two characters who have been treated so cruelly or poorly for so much of their lives, and put them together as any sort of team - but especially a team that becomes a couple, and a couple that becomes all but married.

+ +

Regarding the other stuff, I haven’t had a chance yet to check if you answered my question about the hetero relationship comment, so I can’t comment on that until I know more of what you mean. But I would say that generally speaking, I don’t know that I believe it’s necessarily fair to label anything as strictly “hetero” vs “m/m” vs anything else for a relationship. That brings with it a lot of assumptions of what it means to be not only gay or LGBTQIA+, but also straight. It seems to suggest there is only a single way or a very strict set of ways for a cis male and a cis female to be together both in a relationship and to have sex, and I guess I don’t feel like that’s necessarily reflective of reality. People are very complex and so are their relationships, as well as their sex lives.

I’m not sure how specifically the series ended up hurting you but I’m very sorry you felt hurt by anything. That’s a terrible feeling to have to experience. I hope that in whatever way, however it may work best for you, you have the time and space to reflect and recover and rejuvenate. You, like everyone, deserve it.

And honestly, if that means you have to leave the series completely in your past, never to think about it again, if that’s what’s healthiest for you, I truly wish you are able to do so. Stories are there to connect with other people, to share our thoughts and sometimes help us work our way through our own while reading. No story is worth your mental health being put in question. If it is truly upsetting to you to think about the series, it is absolutely not worth your energy. You are more important than a story will ever be. Everyone is. And I say that despite how much I love and rely on stories to get me through life.

If part of your duress is you like aspects of the writing style but the series itself and its contents upset you, you could try reading some other stuff. I have some things I wrote solo that you can find on my AO3 if you want. But also you can find other writers entirely. Depending on what you’re looking for in a story, and the sort of topics you’ve learned work well for you or don’t work well for you, you should be able to find a ton of great series out there and great authors out there who will leave you with the happier aspects of your reaction to ICoS without anything more detrimental like it sounds happened for you with ICoS.

Regardless, I truly wish you the very best. As I said in the other one, please stay healthy and safe! And, if you’re in a place to manage it, stay happy as well :)

Brightest of blessings to you and yours, my friend!

[amoliveiraofficial]

tattoo ;; averoe discord thread

WHERE: Kingsboro, New York

WHEN: June 14th, 2020; June 15th 2020

TIME: Around 2:30 in the afternoon, at the tattoo parlor. And then around 3 in the morning, in their home.

WARNINGS: So fucking adorable- and long. But mainly adorable lmao

CHARACTER FEATURES: Avery Chopra, Monroe Oliveira ( @monroephile )

CHARACTER MENTIONS: Kami Desai ( @kamidesai ), Landon Davies ( @davieslandon ), Jenga Brady ( @jenga-brady ), Ellie Robinson ( @ellicfm ), Cleo Lopez, Max Slater (NPC), Luca Huntington (NPC), Liza Perez (NPC)

PROMPT: Averoe goes to the tattoo shop and then, share a late night heart-to-heart.

avery

"Okay- now are you going to tell me what it is?! Come on, Roe, you've been teasing this for weeks!" Despite adding a whine to her words, Avery was beaming brightly at the other girl. She was so excited to be with her to get her tattoo. It has been such a huge mystery to her and dammit, the young girl was not patient about this. "Please... A hint. Any little hint. I'm dying here, I need to know!"

monroe

"if i tell you, the mystery's going to be ruined, babe." monroe was excited to get this tattoo, she talked about it with kam a week ago, and she wanted this one to be a surprise for avery, which is why she had the other come with her in the first place. though a part of her is still nervous, she really hopes the dancer would love her tattoo. "no hints for you, baby, i'm sorry. you just have to wait."

avery

Groaning, she wrapped her arms around her and hid her face in the crook of her neck. "You're trying to kill me, babe, I swear... I don't have the patience to wait! You've been dangling this for so long now, I truly am about to die from curiosity. I already know it's gonna be amazing; Why all the secrecy, hm?"

monroe

"because i know you're going to love it, and it's absolutely worth the wait and surprise." monroe kisses avery's cheeks before they entered the tattoo parlor, talking to some of the people there for a bit before getting ready. she looks back at the other with a grin before taking her shirt off. "you can stay here and just hold my hand while this goes on?"

avery

"I'm gonna cry," she pouted, trying (and failing) not to smile as she kissed her. She waited as she talked with the employees, looking around the place before back to the older brunette. Smiling softly, she nodded. "Sure, I can do that. But I'm still dying over not knowing this, babe."

monroe

"baby, i know you don't have it right now, but i promise, it's going to be worth the patience." the dj took her shirt off and laid down on her stomach, she was so excited for this, for avery see the tattoo slowly be revealed. monroe takes her hand to hold. "you can guess though, while kami works on it. ready?"

avery

"You're gonna be the death of me, baby." Kissing her forehead, she then took a seat in a chair near the girl. Leaning forward, taking her hand and kissing it before leaning her cheek on it. Avery smiled softly. "Okay... Um... Is it dedicated to one of your favourite music artists?"

monroe

"feeling is mutual, angel." monroe just kept her eyes on avery, who...god....looking at her like that....she just wanted to tell her what the surprise is, that this is for her, but she has to be strong for this. "nope," she grins teasingly at the other.

avery

She leaned in the kiss her on the lips, gently bumping her nose against hers. Groaning softly, Avery continued to pout. "Um... Is it..." A thought came to her. Which, it honestly made her blush slightly. Laughing, she shook her head. "Sorry, this is probably wrong as well, but it'd be so adorable if it'd true: is it something for Mars?"

monroe

avery was getting close, but it's for the other tattoo monroe's just about to propose for them to have after kam finishes this one. she just grins, chuckling lightly at her guess. she had a feeling the writer wouldn't turn down the chance of them having a matching tattoo. "try again, baby. come on....just watch kam do his magic...."

avery

She pouted, trying to think of something. Anything! "Waffles?" she guessed as well. However, she then shook her head as she said, "I'm not anywhere close enough, am I?" Kissing her shoulder, Avery sat up to watch Kam's work. Her brow furrowed slightly. She noticed the tattoo outline and the outline... It looked familiar. "Hold up-... Is that...?" Standing up slightly to get a better look, her eyes widening as her other hand covered her mouth as she sat back down quickly in her seat to stare at Monroe. "Eros and Psyche?!"

monroe

"baby....i don't think waffles and i are in that level of friendship yet," she chuckles. "nope, not close, sorry baby." monroe kept her eyes on avery as she watches her tattoo slowly taking form, grinning at her realization. she was amused at the girl's surprise on her face. "mhmm....go on," she hums, letting the girl take her time in finally noticing the tattoo that was taking shape on her back. the dj then looks up at her with a smirk on her face.

avery

"I don't know... He seems to be your favourite." Of course, she wasn't going to add 'pussy' in there, not in front of Kam. But she knew that Roe would get it. However... The fact that the tattoo was the silhouette of Eros and Psyche... She hadn't been expecting that. Their tale were her favourite myth and her book was a modern retelling of them. So to see this on the skin of the girl she loves... Avery honestly became incredibly emotional. Smiling brightly, she soon also began to cry. "Baby... I... I-I don't know what to say," she finally mused, scooting her chair closer as she laid her forehead against the DJ's, kissing her hand.

monroe

“that is not true, he’s not!” monroe feigns offense at the girl’s words, but the chuckles once more. it’s been a little banter between the two of them which started on the week she was just staying at home after that little incident back the throuple. she isn’t even that much focused on kam tattooing her back anymore, she only kept her eyes on the younger girl who seemed to not believe what the tattoo is on her back. “your piece about eros and psyche is my favorite, so….,” she wiggles her eyebrows. she intertwines her fingers with avery, humming at her kissing the back of her hand. “you like your surprise?”

avery

"It totally is!" she joked. The little inside joke was truly becoming one of her favourites when it came to their quirks. Honestly, bringing Waffles into their lives not too long after the fight at Throuple had proven to become one of her best ideas. She couldn't stop smiling at the girl, her heart bursting with so much love and joy. "I love it," she whispered, unable to handle it anymore. She leaned in to kiss her softly on the lips, soon laughing a little as she wiped away her tears. "I can't believe this... Babe, how long have you been planing this?"

monroe

“mhmm, baby, you’re going to distract kam…” monroe jokes, pecking on avery’s lips once she leans her face close to hers. she was glad that the other loves her little surprise. “maybe a couple of weeks now?” she gives her a shy grin. “i had this idea of getting another tattoo, on my back this time, and instantly thought of your favorite myth. kam replied to my tweet and we texted about it for bit.” she brings her hand close to her lips, kissing the back of her palm. “i just figured this is the right time to have it.”

avery

"Nah, he's good," she mused, waving him off. All she could focus on was the girl before her. And listening to her... Avery let out another surprised laugh. "A-A few weeks?" With her eyes scanning Roe's, she leaned in for another kiss. It was so soft and gentle, but full of so much love. Love... Would that explain why she got this certain tattoo? Because she loves her? An entire zoo rampaged through her stomach at the thought. "I love it. I love it so, so much." I love you so much. God, I'm so in love with you. "I can't believe this... This is amazing, baby."

monroe

“yeah, remember when i tweeted about being tempted to have another tattoo?” monroe wiggles her eyebrows at the other again. “he replied to my tweet….maybe it took some time for me to text him because we had busy weeks after that? then we talked about it, scheduled the whole thing and now we’re here.” she hopes that even though she doesn’t know how to put her feelings to words yet, avery would know the message behind this tattoo. “i’m glad that you love it, angel,” she smiles lovingly, rubbing her thumb against her palm. “though, since you’ve mentioned mars….i have another idea.”

avery

"I-I remember, yeah. I just... God, I truly didn't think of this being a possibility," Avery admitted. It truly had been the farthest thing from her mind, not even an actual possibility. But it was real. It was happening. And soon enough, this was going to be a part of Monroe for the rest of her life. God, the idea of something that's connected to the writer being a part of the DJ for forever... It felt so special. Laughing, she nodded. "What's your idea, lioness?" She stared back at her adoringly.

monroe

the moment the idea came to mind, monroe secretly researched on eros and psyche tattoos, seeing which one would look good (and avery would love). she wanted a part of them, a part of the writer to be on her skin for as long as she lives. she wanted to be close to her even though they're not together, and this seemed to be a way. "see...he loves treasure planet and....i came up with thr idea of matching tattoos.... how about we have the planet mars and a pirate ship as our tattoos?"

avery

She's going to tell her. She's going to go with Landon's plan and tell her that she loves her. She cannot hold this off any longer, not after this. She can do it tomorrow, maybe even try to actually cook something. Make an effort. All she knows is that she loves her and she desperately needs to tell her. Listening to her idea, the younger girl beamed brightly and nodded quickly. "Yes! Yes, baby, I love that. I love that so much. It's perfect. Which one do you want? Where should we put them?" God, today was an incredible day.

monroe

monroe smiles when avery was up with the plan of having matching tattoos. "i was thinking about you having the planet mars while i have the pirate ship...it does makie sense that i have it right?" she was somehow a little pirate during her younger years, before meeting avery. she was excited to have this one with her and share it to the world, this is something permanent this time, to tell everyone whom she belongs to  "how about on our wrists? just cute little ones, i'm sure mars would love it when he grows up..."

avery

She grinned. "Sounds great, baby. Or should I say... my Tristan." Giggling, she rubbed their noses before kissing the girl. It was going to be perfect and she loved it so much already. The idea of them sharing something that meant a lot to their son... It felt amazing. She was certain that Mars was going to love it. "I'm all in. I love the idea of this so much. He's going to love it."

monroe

"oh, i'm definitely your tristan," monroe pecks on the girl's lips. things with avery is finally picking up, they've been in a slow pace for a year now, and she felt so stupid for realizing what really her feelings are for the writer are lately. it actually took for her so long to understand it. well, it's better late than never, right? "after this, we'll have the matching tattoos then. i'm excited."

avery

"And I'm your Yvaine," she mused. A grin graced her lips at the peck. She loves her. She loves her so much and she can't keep it to herself anymore. She wants to be with her more than anything. While she wished that this could've happened sooner, at least she was finally feeling more confident to tell her. And while there was still that small part of her that's worried, she was more so convinced that Monroe Oliveira was in love with Avery Chopra than that she wasn't. And she's going to tell her. Once the excitement of this has calmed down, she's going to tell her. "Me too, baby. This is such an incredible idea."

monroe

monroe's happy that her plan went well and avery loves her surprise. her reaction is the only important thing she cares about, she wanted her to know that she wants to be with her for the rest of their lives. god, she only wants avery marina chopra, no one else. the rest of their stay at the tattoo parlor went by a quick, with them getting the matching wrist tattoos after. they've kissed a lot in front of her friend, but she didn't care, she loves this very moment she shares with her. ------------------TIMESKIP----------------------------------- is this what jenga has told her that day when they were at the park? she remembers the older girl's words, i think there’ll be a breaking point moment where your heart can’t take it anymore. she couldn't take it anymore, her heart was about to explode. she kept on tossing and turning on their bed, watching the writer sleep beside her. fuck, she's so nervous.

avery

After that rather eventful day, it wasn't surprising that Avery had found it really easy to fall asleep once the time came- especially while curled up in Monroe's arms. She couldn't stop reeling over the girl getting that tattoo for her and then them getting those matching tattoos for their son. Honestly, she's never been so happy before until she had both Mars and Monroe in her life. And she wanted to spend the rest of her life like this with them. She loves them greatly, her heart just so warm constantly. It'd been the middle of the night when she woke up. Typically, they both ended up waking up at around this time for a soft middle of the night make out session. "Baby?" she croaked softly, reaching out for her.

monroe

her heart is beating wildly against her chest, it felt like those kettle drums being played so loud that you can hear it from afar. could avery heart it too? monroe tucks the girl's loose hair behind her ear, in some way, she was waiting for her to wake up. she just wanted to tell her, she doesn't think she can last another second without her knowing what she's feeling. "aves....baby...are you fully awake?" she asks, gently kissing the top of her head. "i have to tell you something, it's very very important. it can't wait."

avery

She smiled softly at the kiss, wrapping her arms around her. "Babyyyy," she mused, yawning softly as her nose scrunches up. Avery scooted as close as possible, blinking her eyes awake to look at her. Despite still being quite sleepy, she looked at Monroe as if she was responsible for all of the planets and the stars and everything wonderful and beautiful in the universe. "What is it, baby? You can tell me anything. I promise- I got you, remember?"

monroe

monroe takes one of the girl's hand and puts it on her chest, staring deeply into her eyes. she was struggling to put it into words. god, she wishes she was eloquent enough to tell her how she feels. avery and mars are her galaxy, and she couldn't imagine how the past year would be without the two, she can't imagine life without avery. she's her lucky star, someone who came in her very dark....very dull life and brightened it up, put life into it, made her feel so fucking alivem made her feel things she didn't know she could ever feel. fuck, how can she even start? she puts her hand against the writer's cheek, running her thumb against her skin. "i love you, avery marina chopra."

avery

... Wait... Wait, is this a dream? Is she still asleep? No way this is happening... Holy shit, it's happening. It's actually, finally happening. Avery laid there in silence, her mouth gaped open in shock. But then, her lips tugged into a huge grin and she laughed, pulling the girl into a kiss. "I love you, too!" Her words came out breathy, the brunette overcome with joy. She laughed joyfully again, her hand reaching to cup her face with her thumb caressing her cheek. "Monroe Eilam Oliveira, I love you. I love you so, so much. I always have, lioness."

monroe

part of monroe always knew that she loves avery, even before they started living together. it showed how her place back at southside drastically changed, with her always making sure the writer has a good time, even though they were having sex or just hanging out, sharing take outs and watching crappy shows on her laptop, or sharing new music or mix that she's made. the love she had even intensified the night she found out about her attack, she realized how scared she is of losing her. she wasn't just a roommate, but she's also her best friend. the day that the older girl decided about moving to the north, the other was the first person in mind she wanted to live with. they just.....fit so well together. they're soulmates. monroe knew that now. "i love you," she repeats. "fuck, i love you so much, avery. i can't even....i can't even put it words. i'm sorry i took forever."

avery

After everything they shared and been through with each other over the past year, it wasn't difficult for her to fall in love with the girl. And while she's fallen in love before with three different people, this love... this love she has shared and felt for Monroe... it was so different. It was more real. All of her past mistakes, she had subconsciously made sure to not repeat them with the girl. She made sure to actually talk to her, to stay put so that they'd be able to work things out. In the beginning after she realized that keeping her attack from her had been a mistake, she knew then that she needed to be honest about everything with the girl and to keep her in the loop with things. And she did, with all except for her love for her. Compared to the place she was at a year ago, she has become so much of a better person. And honestly? It was the love of her two most favourite people in the world that helped her with that. She has love Monroe since the moment she saw her, and her love for the girl has only grown more and more. For the first time ever, she can think that they're soulmates and truly believe it. Liza, Luca, and Max, there'd always been those doubts there. And while she'd been scared of potentially being wrong about the DJ's returned feelings, when she finally thought logically, she knew that those doubts were false. "I love you," she mused, softly putting her forehead against hers. "It's okay, baby. It's okay... We've honestly been saying it to each other now for so long; There's so many different ways to say and show our love. But god, I love you so much, Monroe. Ever since the day I met you, I've been in love with you. I can't... We're finally admitting it to each other. I've been wanting to tell you since New Years; I just wasn't sure how. Hell, I've been trying to. But something always stopped me: Mars, Ellie... myself... I love you, my Roe. Fuck, I can't stop saying it! I love you, I love you, I love you."

monroe

love was something monroe never really experienced before. it’s always been something short-lived for her, something that she could see other people having but not her. yes, maybe she’s had the platonic kind of love, but this? she’s definitely haven’t encountered that. not until she met avery, there’s always this certain warmth in her chest that only shows up whenever they’re together. it collapsed and became a kaleidoscope when they got even closer as time passed, her heart sinking at the though of losing her upon discovering that scar on her arm. things between them surely changed after that. she became…..closer, more protective of the other. there are even times she’d come to peppermints to pick her up and it’s not even her shift. she’s terrified to lose her, she didn’t know then, but now, she was so sure. so sure of what her feelings are for the writer. “so….that was why you were nervous back at new years?” she now realized that day the girl was about to tell her something, but then they were interrupted by a lot of things, that morning before they went to the aquarium, that night during the pride party. god there’s been a lot of occasions she realized that this has been what avery’s been trying to tell her. “i love hearing it from you,” she admits before pecking on her lips. “i fucking love you, so much.”

avery

Having felt love before and having been burnt by it all three times, she'd been rather scared when she realized she was in love with her. She'd been talking with a girl named Abigail at a New Years Eve party and gushing about her, having a bright smile and hearts in her eyes the whole time. The younger girl had just giggled and been like, 'Wow, you really love your girlfriend, don't you?' She couldn't even correct her: she'd been so stunned. And for a moment there, she wondered if this was a good thing. But the very second she saw her again, saw how her face lit up when she saw her as well, her fear had melted away and she was comfortable. A feeling that was different when she realized her feelings those other three times, having been scared all throughout. That was when she knew that this was real- and that this was so much better. "Yeah," she admitted bashfully with a laugh. "But... the thing is... while I wasn't sure how to tell you, I felt comfortable. I felt so comfortable and everything just felt so right. Everything made sense. I've never felt this way before... it's so new but I like it so much. Fuck, I love you so much." Giggling at the kiss, she scooted closer and held her in her arms. "Wait... So, what's our next step? Where... Where do we go from this, from now on? Because... now that I've told you... I don't think I'm capable of hiding my love for you again."

monroe

“now i get why cleo calls me stupid all the time.” monroe always makes sure that she’d always visit avery during her performance at the cove, bringing her a yellow rose, which she remembers, her favorite flower. she’s always hide in the crowd during the performance, or the restaurant owner would find her a place to enjoy her food while watching the other. “i didn’t know what i was feeling until lately….back at the pride party, before ellie interrupted us?,” she says with a shy grin on her face. “i’m kind of glad we were interrupted by her and mars a lot of times….this just….seemed like the perfect moment. my heart kind of just told me it’s the right moment,” she smiles, kissing the younger girl’s cheek. “well…i don’t want to hide it either, and i want people to know….that it’s official. so….avery…erm,” a blush formed on her cheek as she struggled on her words. “would you be my girl? is that how i’m supposed to say it?”

avery

"Oh god... She's going to have a field day with this..." Avery laughed brightly, hiding her face in the crook of Monroe's neck at the realization. Cleo had most definitely been one of the people who constantly encouraged her to admit to the DJ about her feelings. Only, she'd been less nice about it. Nonetheless, she was glad that this has finally happened. Took them much longer than she would've liked... But this has finally happened. And nothing could make her happier. Looking back at her, she smiled warmly. "It is, yeah," she noted, smiling only brighter at the kiss. With her smile only growing, she squealed as she nodded. "Yes! Yes, yes, yes!" Hugging the older girl, she finally kissed her passionately. "I would love to be your girl, baby! I would love that so much."

monroe

monroe wouldn’t prefer this in any other way. wow, avery’s officially hers and she was avery’s, there were those butterflies in her chest once more. she pulls the other close, humming as they’ve kissed. three in the morning, while the world is sleeping. it was just their souls who are awake, and they’re finally together, after what felt like forever of waiting. she carefully drags the writer on top of her. “hmm….you’re my girlfriend now, huh?,” she teases, wiggling her eyebrows at the other. “i just want to sleep like this…with my girlfriend on top of me. i like saying that now.”

avery

This felt like a dream... No. No, this was better than a dream. This was real life, now. And god, she's so happy right now. When she woke up at 3 am, ready to steal a gentle moment with the girl while the rest of the world is nonexistent, she expected for them to share a few kisses and cuddles. She hadn't been expecting to share their love for each other. But now that it has happened, she couldn't have asked for anything better. Grinning brightly, Avery giggled at the word. "I suppose so," she purred, giving Monroe heart-eyes. "And... you're my girlfriend now. How about them apples?" Nodding, she kissed the tip of her nose. This is happiness, isn't it? She loves it- loves her. "Mmmm, I would love to sleep like this. To sleep on top of my girlfriend. God, I love hearing you say that. I love you, my iridescent girlfriend."

[serenagaywaterford]

It’s aggravating to see aunt Lydia get some sort of redemption arc both in the new book (Why, Margaret?!), and possibly in season 4. She should be the last person to get it, as far as I am concerned. She is a real believer, the only one who’s totally devoted to Gilead, 100%. Not even Fred, or other commanders, and certainly not Serena. Yet, people scream bloody murder if there is even a hint of Serena turning to the good side. But they want it for aunt Lydia, fuck’em!

RIGHT?!

Without going into how bad a book The Testaments is (cos, lbr, it isn’t a good novel), I was just SO disappointed that even Atwood went that route. I mean, it was a bit obvious that Miller wanted to soften Lydia and that absolutely atrocious, nonsensical, bullshit S3 episode was proof of that (and what an insult to Ann Dowd tbh. She deserved so much better).

I literally cannot buy any of the “Aunt Lydia isn’t THAT bad! She’s not like Serena! She just a true believer!”

And...???

I don’t see how she’s not worse than Serena? The only thing people seem to think about is 2x10. 

“Well, Aunt Lydia didn’t help Fred pregnancy-rape June!” 

No, she didn’t. That’s right.

She just chained her up in a basement, force fed her, and threatened her with death over and over and over until she completely broke her psychologically and made her into a walking zombie-womb to serve her One True Purpose -- to such a degree that even Serena (Serena! The one who wanted a perfect obedient Handmaid!) is like, “WTF?! This is too much, yo. Where my snarky baby factory at?” 

She beat and maimed other women in front of June as payback because she knew she couldn’t touch her. (Hmm, familiar? Except Serena slapped Rita. Aunt Lydia literally burned Alma’s arm over open flame.)

She took Janine’s EYE for merely talking back(!), and Lilly’s TONGUE, and attempted to get the Handmaid’s to murder Janine themselves. She’s had June’s feet lashed so hard she can’t walk--MULTIPLE TIMES. And those are only the abuses we know about. But, no, she didn’t help any husband rape June, that’s true. 

“UWU LYDIA! She’d never suggest such a thing like Serena did!” 

No, she wouldn’t but not because she cares about JUNE lolololol; she cares about the BABY and it is a terrible idea medically for a healthy birth (which is incidentally why I don’t buy that whole 2x10 episode. Serena’s disgusting and furious but she’s not fucking stupid.) That is all Lydia is concerned about. That is her validation and her raison d’etre; if she doesn’t produce obedient Handmaids that give men healthy babies, she’s failed. And I don’t believe that it’s entirely fear that motivates her. She seems to get a very clear sort of power trip and glee from exercising such brutality on young women. Hence, her attitude and acceptance towards how the system treated Natalie. Babies above all! Fuck women, they’re literally just machines. They are BROOD MARES.

“Aunt Lydia didn’t hold June down to be raped every month!”

No, she didn’t. That’s right.

She just trained 100s or 1000s of girls with brutal torture to lie down and take it. She fully supports the Ceremony. Fully. 100%. Even horrible Serena hates it and VISIBLY is uncomfortable with it (but she’s a selfish, delusional coward with anger & jealousy issues so she abides it).

Absolutely everything else Serena has done, short of writing an anti-feminist book and making speeches pre-Gilead, Aunt Lydia has also done. Randomly beat June? Check. Lock June in a room? Check. Scream at June? Check. Uphold the ideals of Gilead? Check. Aunt Lydia ACTIVELY abused, tortured, maimed, bullied, and straight up murdered numerous women. Not just one or two. How many Handmaids has she “trained”? COUNTLESS. Without a hint of remorse. Sometimes she has a soft spot for Janine, or very occasionally, June, but mostly she seems to just treat them as her troublesome pets. Like cattle--to the point of literally using a cattle prod on disobedient ones. A farmer can care about his cattle but it doesn’t make him not a farmer.

Hell, there’s that episode in S1 where Lydia is beating/electrocuting the shit out of June for talking back and Serena swoops in to stop the assault. (Her motives are shitty, and she snaps back to own horrid self not long after, but still...)

Yeah, considering they’re reworking S4 to be more in line with The Testaments is just... sad. Not that we didn’t see them attempting to woobiefy Lydia in S3 already, but I will guess S4 will see her suddenly and randomly taking Handmaids’ concerns seriously. HOW OOC IS THAT? Like, there’s been NO emotional journey for Lydia. It’s why her behaviour in 3x06 didn’t make sense to me. She goes from savagely assaulting Janine in 3x04 to “Oooh, June! This muzzle is so sad! Alexa, play Despacito!” I didn’t buy ANY of Lydia’s randomly swerving and flaky narrative in S3. I have no problem with her expressing her humanity and the audience seeing reasons to sympathize with her (like 2x08) but it was SO ALL OVER THE PLACE in S3 that I can only shudder and how they’re going to do S4. Especially using The Testaments as a roadmap... like suddenly Lydia is a resistance fighter?

Give me a fucking break.

And I think the problem I have with giving Lydia the so-called “redemption arc” on THT is that...

I don’t care.

Who really does?

Lydia is at best a secondary character who has had zero to little development. She’s literally had one (terrible) background episode that was shitty and full of sexist tropes, that only went to show what a snivelling, vengeful, crazy religious bigot she is--and that’s supposed to set her up for THT Redemption™? Suddenly she’s going to switch sides, just like that? Because White Saviour June has spoken to her? (Again, don’t get me started on the sheer idiocy of June (the woman (directly/indirectly) responsible for multiple women DYING in S3 alone) being touted as some precious saviour of women on Jesus-like levels.) Aunt Lydia is magically going to see the light of her wrongdoing?

PLEASE.

And meanwhile, they had a female character who is also a monster on about the same level--just in a different way, who is arguably a lead character and has had PLENTY of background and development, and even started--a few times--down a path that could slowly and ORGANICALLY lead her to remorse and change, and ultimately something vaguely like a redemption arc... but nope! LMAO. PSYCHE!!! Too easy, I guess? Too predictable? 

Yes, because I watch THT to be shocked by the unpredictable... /sarcasm. C’mon.

Why bother giving Serena ANY sort of development just to do her so dirty like S3 did, and switch it up so she stays repulsive but AUNT LYDIA MAGICALLY and OUT OF NOWHERE suddenly changes all her long-held and incredibly cemented beliefs? Meanwhile we’ve seen Serena wavering in hers THE ENTIRE SERIES. We’ve seen her try to break the system, to fight against it. Weakly, and she’s a sissy, but hey, it’s SOMETHING. More than we ever saw with Lydia.

No, giving Janine a nicer eyepatch after YOU RIPPED HER EYEBALL OUT FOR TALKING BACK is NOT the same as Serena standing up in front of a council of men and reading in order to give all females the chance to read. Giving Janine a piece of cake for not making a scene at a gala is NOT the same as Serena giving “her” baby away to make sure she has a better life outside the hellscape that she knows is Gilead. What Aunt Lydia has done for “her girls” pales completely with what very little Serena has done for both June, Nichole, and women (/herself lol).

It’s like saying Fred deserves redemption because he let the Handmaids have devilled eggs in 3x04. Or gave June a photo of Hannah. (Which incidentally, Atwood wrote Serena giving that to June. So, let’s just keep taking things away from Serena, Miller. Good job.)

I just......

I...

No.

Aunt Lydia deserves a redemption arc as much as Fred Waterford does. But even Fred--yes, even Fred--has more substantial character development to sustain such a story, and a shift in his arc. Well, I should say nobody “deserves” a redemption arc. But rather, it makes SENSE for a particular character to experience one.

Honestly, I just don’t understand the flagrant Serena hate when people like Fred and Lydia exist. I don’t see why it makes more sense and is less offensive for either of those monsters to get this mythical redemption arc over Serena, the second most developed character in the entire series.

“We need a foil for June! We need her to have a villain to fight against!” 

Yes, I agree, dipshit, it’s called Gilead. It’s called female oppression. It’s called the inherent rampant violent misogyny there, and even in “normal” society. It’s the stealing of children. It’s every man in any position of power. It’s religious and ideological extremism. It’s the commodification of women’s bodies as machines for baby-making and male sexual gratification. It’s the Sons of Jacob. It’s international governmental complacency. It’s war.

THERE ARE SO MANY EVIL, VILLAINOUS THINGS IN THT. Serena does personify some of these things, sure. So do ALL the other characters everyone is less upset about getting redemption arcs. But Serena doesn’t need to be the be-all of all these things. She doesn’t have to be the visceral manifestation of all those things forever.

Okay, I just have to stop here cos I can go on forever. 

To me, it’s only makes narrative sense for Serena--and ONLY Serena--to get this highly-prized yet still completely imaginary THT Redemption Arc™. And that’s my controversial opinion lol.

[timeisacephalopod]

Ball and Chain

So I read a thing a couple days ago that said a lot of IronStrange stuff is Tony centric, which is true for a lot of what I write too (seeing that Tony is my fav character) but I was like rude. So here’s a Stephen centric fluff piece that is inspired by me watching Say Yes To The Dress lmao. Also as usual with my writing Stephen is Asian (Nepali specifically).  (Fun Fact: Sushruta is the first doctor to have recorded a surgery, hence Stephen naming his dog that).

Stephen is sure Tony doesn’t mean anything by it and maybe he’s just used to being single, he’s been single most of his life so it’d make sense. But it just annoys him that Tony never says anything when people make jokes about his upcoming marriage to Stephen as some kind of evil trap meant to strip him of his freedom.

“I know it’s probably selfish,” Stephen tells Christine, “but its offensive to call me a prison to my face.” Tony always looks a little confused when people say it but he never actually says anything about it.

Christine frowns over her lunch, “actually that’s probably the least selfish thing you’ve requested of him,” she says.

“Alright, I know he’s afraid of dogs but I am not giving up my corgi! We’ve bonded,” he says. Accidentally because he’s never been a pet person but Wong had some puppies and decided Stephen’s place was a good place to get rid of one. In his defense after two hours Stephen finally understood that Brooklyn Nine Nine skit where Rosa claims she’d kill everyone in the room and then herself for the dog.

“Stephen, he was terrified of the dog and I told you I’d take it so you’d still see him and you told Tony to get over himself. You’re lucky he loves you because that was just insensitive,” she says.

“Well he likes the dog now,” Stephen mumbles in his defense. And by likes that mostly means Tony doesn’t run from the dog in terror anymore. Its not like the fear had been warranted anyways, Sushruta is harmless unless you’re a shoe.

Christine sighs, “because you forced him to deal with the dog instead of compromising. That was selfish when you had a viable solution to your problem and a terrified partner, but wanting Tony to point out that marrying you isn’t going to end his life or his freedom is pretty normal. I’ve always hated that, men treating marriage like its the end of the world when usually they’re the ones to ask. Besides, Tony doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to- he’s pretty famous for that so the jokes are extra stupid,” she points out.

Stephen prickles a little, “women make those jokes too,” he says- he’s heard them. Stupid reporters, he’s never liked them. None of them can ever relay his research in a way that’s actually accurate. Scientific journalism is an absolutely horrible field given how it botches the findings ninety nine percent of the time. He and Tony have bonded over it and the fact that neither of them are any good at explaining their research in layman's terms. Though they disagree that an expert should be able to do that- the entire point of an expert is that they know things others don’t, not that they should be able to teach all. Only some people can do what he can anyways, and the only person who’s a step above Tony is a Wakandan princess. He thinks Tony should give himself more credit.

“Really, Stephen? I’d like to point out that women are always the nags, the balls and chains, and the gatekeepers to freedom. There are cake toppers with brides dragging their husbands to the wedding- so yeah, women make the jokes too but they’re also mostly the butt of them and its usually guys urging their friends to run away. Guess you got relegated to the role of woman,” she says.

Stephen makes an offended noise, “how the hell did that happen?” he asks. First of all the entire point of his and Tony’s relationship is that none of them are women so how’d he get stuck in that role? Tony is shorter. And cuter. “This is because I’m Asian, isn’t it?” he asks, squinting.

Christine snorts, “actually I think it might have more to do with Tony being a living embodiment of every white male power fantasy ever and his fans don’t want to give up that toxic stereotype, but I guess it could be racism,” she says, trying at least to give him some credit.

“Once a fan mailed him a bag of his own hair. I think the fact that his name was ‘Gary’ says everything you need to know,” Stephen says. “And I am not a woman nor am I enacting some convoluted plot to trap Tony with marriage. Does the public know about divorce?” That and Christine made a point when she said Tony doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to. And he proposed. Stephen had been mad about it because he’d been planning to and then Tony ruined his carefully thought out plans. He even used the dog in the proposal and it was so sweet he cried and now Wong has pictures he’ll certainly use to blackmail him later.

“Good luck to you, I don’t think I could handle dating a celebrity let alone one that nets me stupid jokes about how marrying said celebrity will ruin his life,” Christine says, shaking her head.

*

Stephen didn’t even want to do this stupid interview but Tony insisted, then brought up the dog when Stephen stuff refused. He mostly only agreed because Tony pointed out he’d been afraid of his own house for weeks before he finally got used to the dog and even then Sushruta is the only dog he doesn’t hate. Turns out he’d nearly been eaten by a dog as a child and Stephen felt a little bad about forcing him to deal with the dog so fine, he’ll do the stupid interview and deal with the stupid jokes about Tony’s freedom like he didn’t walk into this engagement himself since he asked but whatever.

When the stupid reporter makes the dreaded joke Stephen rolls his eyes on cue, letting out an annoyed noise but its Tony’s reaction that catches the reporter’s attention. “You must be straight,” Tony says, catching Stephen’s attention with it too because what’s that got to do with it? Which is what the reporter asks. Tony snorts, “only someone who’s had the benefit of knowing their right to marry is never in question would ever make such a fucking stupid joke,” he says, irritation written all over his features.

Oh, good point actually. Stephen never considered that because he’s never really considered himself the marrying type. But then neither had Tony and here they both are, quite smitten with each other.

“I... uh... that’s not what I meant,” the reporter stumbles out and Stephen rolls his eyes again. Sure it wasn’t, but he doubts there will be an answer if he asks what was meant by the comment.

Tony rolls his eyes too but its much more theatrical than Stephen’s, impressive considering how dramatic Christine likes to remind him he is. Personally he doesn’t think he’s that dramatic at all. “Sorry, but I fail to see how people consistently insulting Stephen to his face by acting like being married to him is some kind of hardship I’m going to have to face can be anything less than bullshit perpetuated by a group of people who’ve taken their rights to relationships for granted. I’m marrying Stephen because I love him, and I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with him even if I have to put up with his stupid dog. If I wasn’t happy about marrying him than I wouldn’t have proposed because unlike the general public I don’t think marriage is supposed to be a prison where couples suffer. And it helps that he’s good in bed,” he adds and Stephen lets out a sharp laugh.

“Yes, that’s right, I’m quite a catch,” he says, nose in the air. “And Tony is alright too,” he adds almost as an afterthought. He really is though, and he’s patient with Stephen in a way he rarely gets from others. Christine has told him not to take it for granted but Stephen already knows he takes full advantage of Tony’s patience. But he does appreciate Tony, really appreciates him because they have an understanding with each other that most don’t. He understands Stephen’s arrogance and his fears and he’s always so willing to help him when he needs it. And he can see when Stephen needs it. No one else can.

He looks over at Tony and smiles, knowing his love is translated in the look and Tony smiles back, emotion radiating off his features too. Stephen straightens a little and faces the reporter, “also, the only ball and chain in our relationship is stupid media personal such as yourself following us around all day snapping pictures and making stupid comments,” he says.

Tony lets out a sharp laugh, “god, I love you,” he says, weaving his fingers through Stephen’s.

“Well,” he says, “you are lucky to have me.” And he’s so, so lucky to have Tony too but he’s not going to say that to the cameras. People, contrary to what they might like to think, are not privy to their relationship.

Bonus Scene:

Tony didn’t want to get married in a church, he’s a fucking atheist and Stephen is agnostic, but his parents whined and cried until Tony finally gave up. Stephen, who’s much more used to fighting with his parents, had been prepared to drag it out longer but at the rate things were going they’d have to push back the wedding date because Stephen’s parents are more stubborn than Tony and Stephen combined. Which is frankly terrifying.

But here he is in what he has to admit is a pretty church even if he doesn’t believe in the deity its build to worship with Stephen standing in front of him and his dumb dog sitting between them, tongue lolling out of his face. That thing is plotting their deaths, Tony knows it, but when it eats them alive Tony will tell Stephen he told him so. 

The priest or whatever, the fuck if Tony knows, he just wanted to marry Stephen in peace before his parents got involved, prattles on until he gets to the part where Tony is supposed to do the vow thing. Tony repeats the words in a mostly empty way, knowing Stephen won’t care that he has no real interest in a religious ceremony that’s only taking place because his parents threw an epic fit at least until the part where he’s supposed to honor and obey Stephen?

“O-what?” he asks, giving Stephen a look as his eyebrows fly up. “Honey if I don’t obey Pepper you have no chance. I’ll honor you just fine, but I’ll obey over my dead body,” he says.

Stephen throws his head back and laughs, “I had him throw it in there to shake things up a little, make it interesting because you know, these things are boring and I figured the audience might appreciate the show,” he says.

Off to the side Stephen’s parents cluck in disapproval, “just ruined his own wedding,” his mother mumbles but Stephen hears it- Tony swears he has super hearing.

“On the contrary, mother, I made my wedding about me rather than you. And you know, Tony,” he says almost like its an afterthought but it isn’t. The entire point of this stunt was to give him a voice in the ceremony he hadn’t wanted because, despite his outward arrogance and generally harsh personality, Stephen has a deep capacity to care and he always goes out of his way to make sure Tony feels appreciated. Even if that means screwing up his wedding ceremony and risking his parents’ wrath later.

[kinktae]

jesus christ I'm so sorry to hear you're in a similar, if not worse situation than I am. school is just so stressful and anxiety inducing and people here are assholes. like as bad as paris level asshole which says a lot believe me. I wish I could give you advice but I've never been through college and honestly I have no clue what it's like here or in france. honestly you should clear up your schedule a bit too for next semester/trimester - french anon

I am taking four classes next semester!!! So yes definitely!

Anonymous said: but if I can be honest my schedule for second year (dunno what it’s called sorry) is worse. once again I have no prep - AP US history (I know nothing about this), AP Chemistry, also know little about chemistry and lack the english vocabulary, another honors english class, combining two honors french classes which shouldn’t be a problem but I’m from the country and it’s like satori in korean it’s completely different from standard french for me. like hillbilly french ig- french anon

HILLBILLY FRENCH HAHAHAH. Also, second year is called sophomore year! AP US History, damn girl that is a tough, even for an American. I would see if you can drop out of that class and switch it to something easier like AP Environmental Science (if that’s an option.) But I’m sure if you dedicate yourself you should be able to get through it

Anonymous said: after that we have honors algebra second year, I barely know anything about geometry and trigonometry. I don’t even know how to say trigonometry in french like what? I have another high level music class and then another year of a third language in honors. I don’t even have a study class (hall?) next year and I am in three sports so I practice more than a full time job works, and then I go to school. I think I really messed up here - french anon

Thats so weird bc my french teacher taught us that trigonometry was just le trigonométrie. Anyway, you don’t need to know geometry/trig to understand algebra. They say if you hate geometry then you will love algebra. Algebra is like chemistry but chem has science mixed in. (Also remember that colleges only require that you take two years of the same language in high school, which means you don’t have to take it your third year.)

Anonymous said: I just want to be on the right medication for my mental disorders so that maybe I don’t live off of two pieces of bread everyday for two weeks only to have it happen again. it’s frustrating! I want this to be over! and no offense america but literally why trump he makes everything worse and your politics system makes no sense. like at least in france I don’t have to be aware of it but here it’s literally everywhere you go. - french anon

Ah I hope they can find the right medication for you! As Trump, hahhhhh I have many thoughts on that man as a child of two immigrants. I don’t want to get too into it but just know that the majority of Americans DID NOT vote for him, I think only 47% of Americans actually voted for him lol idk i don’t understand the government

Anonymous said: your language is really weird by the way. I know I’m french and can’t say that technically bc french is just as bad but literally @ english why. grammar sucks. sentence structure sucks. PRONUNCIATION AND SYLLABLE STRESS SUCKS. contractions are weird. there’s literally almost no point to them in english? and overall the people here suck w welcoming foreigners like I cannot tell you how many times someone impersonated my accent to make fun of me. - french anon

LMAO I FEEEEEL. Also I’m sorry people are being shitty ugh. Americans are sometimes too blunt and speak without thinking, we don’t even realize sometimes when we are being rude.

Anonymous said: I said it before too, and I will most definitely say it a bunch more. your. school. system. sucks. ass. it can suck my ass, slap my thigh and call me george for all I care and I would still not think it’s funny despite being an awful joke. I hope your life improves though bc you just don’t deserve this the only human I can think of in america that deserves the shit of their own system is moldy tangerine himself. rip american students. - french anon

MOLDY TANGERINE SDKFJSKJF I personally see him more as a stale cheeto.

Anonymous said: but honestly from what I can tell college sucks. fake news. exams are stressful as heck and if you do good no one but your anxiety rewards you bc I’m the same way, I live off of my grades and atm I have a D+ in English and a C in AP World History. I’m far behind and the final is this week oops. but honestly like,,, why. just why. you only get degraded if you fail and nothing good happens if you pass like what is the point. - french anon

College is actually really really great when you don’t overload yourself with work. There is so much freedom and you can take literally ANY class you can think of. I could take a class all about rock n roll music if I wanted to at my university. Also, I guess if you pass a class, then you get to go to more school. Yay(?)

Anonymous said: I’m going to keep you in my thoughts amour, because I really hope things get better and you get the courage to attend your classes. sorry for going off again in your inbox it’s probably annoying to have some stupid freshman ranting about the school system when your situation seems to be way worse than mine. I hope everything goes well, don’t worry about writing for your followers bc we’d rather you do it for fun than force it. - french anon

Anonymous said: it’s a lot easier to read when it flows naturally from your thoughts (and as someone who stRuggles w reading on occasion I know and I can tell bby). please take your time and prioritize you. please. I’m begging. I can’t imagine what your situation is like but it does not seem fun. so don’t feel any pressure from here and focus on what’s a lot more important. I believe in you, I believe you can pass english. I know you can. okay I’m done, sorry again. je t'aime, mon amour, salut

Ahh you are too sweet. I will prioritize my time. Also psshhh you don’t bother me at all. I mean, we are technically both “stupid freshman.” You’re a freshman in high school and I am a freshman in college ;) Thank you for your kind words, te amo, je t’aime and I love you

[postmoderneshetchayil]

1, 10, 21, 22, and 42 please (for the OC ask)!

Ayyy first ask on this blog all my gay christian memeing has not been in vain

1.What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything? 

I’m not gonna reveal their whole names fsgffsgs no offense I just don’t want anyone stealing them but my six main character’s first names are Jade, Latoya, Esperanza/Michelle, Bryan, Quentin, and Andre! I chose their names because I liked them sjoismew but Latoya and Esperanza/Michelle’s names end up giving hints to their story trajectories by mostly coincidence. Jade’s name comes from her having jade green eyes and the boys’ names don’t really have any plot importance except for a pun/joke involving Andre but that isn’t really a plot point so much as it’s me being a lil shit.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

Don’t let any of them except Bryan and Jade near kids they’d crash and burn their way through babysitting holy shit especially Quentin and Andre. Ironically enough, Latoya and Esperanza/Michelle have younger siblings so they’re somewhat competent with kids but they aren’t too keen on the having kids thing. Kids end up being drawn to all of them for some odd reason but the only ones who really like kids and want to have them are Bryan and Jade and they are ironically only children (I hope that makes sense).

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

So everyone but Quentin has a bit of a temper what a bunch of hotheads (send help). Quentin is very patient for someone who tends to snark his way through life, Bryan does try to have patience but he does have his limits, and everyone else is trying (and more often than not failing) to not rush things. Jade is tiny and it takes a lot to push her to the point of expressing her anger but holy shit do not piss this keebler elf off. Latoya is a good old-fashioned “I’m gonna cuss you out now and maybe cry about this later.” Esperanza/Michelle holds in her anger until she explodes and Andre just tries to laugh it off but later he plans his revenge. Someone stop these kids.

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

Dausnxodwnj I am crying at this question. Latoya insults everything about you and there’s very few things she will not make fun of you for; her favorite insult in the world is “something something ass bitch/nigga.” Quentin will wage psychological wordfare on you with a blank expression on his face; he doesn’t have a favorite insult because frankly, the fact that you decided to try to mess with him is an insult to your existence. Esperanza/Michelle doesn’t always say what she means so she’s more likely to bitch behind someone’s back. Andre will just straight up say “you’re ugly/stupid/etc.” and Bryan rarely responds back to people talking shit about him because he is #unbothered (except or when it comes to his friends, one in particular) but his favorite insult is “suck my dick.” Jade is a ray of sunshine and will not insult you but she is very blunt about how she feels about you and will not hesitate to say it to your face if she has to.

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

I actually had to think about this one a little. Well, their goal right now is to survive junior year of high school sajdxjcdjs in all seriousness tho, they all tend to have a self-preservation streak so there isn’t a whole lot they would sacrifice but they are (and have in the past) willing to sacrifice their sense of emotional or mental well-being for the sake of the group dynamic and/or to make their families happy. They’re pretty self-sacrificing kids in this regard but this can backfire on them more often than not. I’d say the one character that doesn’t have as strong a self-preservation streak is Jade but that’s mainly because she has lived the most charmed life out of everyone; she’s the one character who has never really had to sacrifice anything important. It makes her a good foil to everyone else’s varying degrees of cynicism because she believes the best in people and is willing to give a million chances to anyone, even people she really shouldn’t lmao. On the other hand, it does make her more blind to people’s true nature and can lead her into trouble when she assumes someone wouldn’t exploit her giving nature for their own benefit. She is pretty good at seeing the line between selflessness and self-sacrifice, however, since that’s something that life has not really demanded of her and does point out when one of her friends is doing it more than once since everyone else is really bad at seeing the difference. When will my kids not suffer the answer is never

As for secret ambition, Quentin does take up photography as a hobby/possible career he hides from his parents. Everybody else’s ambitions are explicitly mentioned.

Y’all, please send me more of these I’ve been dying to talk about my kids

[lean-mean-sam-and-dean]

Through the Flames- A (Dean x Reader) Series

Word Count: About 4200

Warnings: Swearing, victims in a fire? (if that’s a  warning???), some angst (I guess)

Characters: Reader, Sam, Dean, Bobby

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Chapter Summary: Lawrence Fire Department has refused to hire you into the station but you have started to believe that there are unusual reasons behind it. Later, duty calls as you stumble upon a disaster in your home town and despite the tragedy, you meet a charming firefighter. Like it or not, you know you’ll be seeing more of him.

**Grammar and spelling have now been fixed (mostly)

A/N: I am really excited for this series! Guys, it’s going to be awesome, I promise. Now…this may sound strange but Dean isn’t really the focus of this chapter, it’s more about the reader. He shows up more towards the end but I promise he’s going to be more of the focus from now on, just had to set some stuff up plot-wise. Happy Reading! Future parts  will be tagged with TTS for Through the Flames. ALSO: If all of this isn’t accurate, I know. I’ve researched to the best of my ability and for some of it- I don’t really care if it’s realistic or not lmao.

You were entirely sure that when you began to speak the pounding of your heart would be evident through your voice. As long as you focused and took deep breathes maybe you could steady yourself.

Six men, giving you a look that you were sure was more critical than you deserved, sat solemnly like the knights of the round table. But it didn’t matter what their first impression was- at least not to you, you were qualified and an obvious choice for the job.

You swallowed the lump in your throat before answering a few questions the fire chief had directed towards you, “The last time I was here for this position I didn’t have the experience I do now, I’ve been a volunteer firefighter for two years, Mr. Singer.”

He absentmindedly rocked back and forth slightly in his wheelchair as he listened. “And that is wonderful Ms. Y/L/N, but we still are not fully convinced a woman of your-” He paused and looked for a word you assumed would be less offensive than others, “- stature, has the capability to carry any full grown adult. You realize why that’s important don’t you?”

His sarcastic yet pointed comment took you off guard. You hadn’t been rude, you hadn’t done anything that would make sense for this man to be so snippy- or at least you didn’t think you had.

“Of course Mr. Singer, and my certificates here show-” You slid a folder of documents in his direction, “-I can do just that. They prove I passed the required courses and the final test. The test that requires me to drag a two hundred and fifty-pound dummy to a safe location-”

He cut you off with a wave of his hand and the other men at the table still didn’t say a single word. A good portion of the interview seemed to be a conversation between only you and Mr. Bobby Singer.

“Y/N, I’m sorry but I just don’t think you’re the right fit. I apologize for wasting your time.” He said softly. The entire panel continued to remain silent.

No way this was happening, you had worked for years to get here. No other station would take you, but it didn’t make sense. You met all of the requirements as far as you could tell. Mr. Singer didn’t seem to care however, he rolled himself out of the room with a saddened expression before you could even respond. Shocked and angry you snatched up your papers, thanked everyone for their time and walked out of the station as fast as you could. A few of the firefighters nearby jumped in surprise when you opened the door to the conference room so quickly it sent a boom throughout the rest of the quarters.

You were capable, you were hardworking and you loved being a firefighter. What more did they want?

Half jogging to your car you decided if another year of hard work was what it took to be a part of the Lawrence Fire Department, so be it.

You only wanted to curl up in your bed and cry but you knew that wasn’t going to get you anywhere. Taking a jog would blow off some steam though, it put some distance between you and your problems instead of wallowing in them. With your running shoes tied and headphones in your ears, you made your way out the front door.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was finally showing its face, flowers were beginning to blossom, kids were playing out in their front yards.

You took off around the neighborhood as Lynyrd Skynyrd came on shuffle. After a few miles of a steady but angry pace, you realized you had made it downtown. Usually, it was hard to run this far on a good day, today it hardly felt as if you’d run at all. You must have zoned out. Try as you might, the failed interview was the only thing occupying your thoughts.

You’d tried for a position there a year ago but were met with the same news. You had been fresh out of your firefighting courses then but that wasn’t the issue- Garth Fitzgerald had just finished his as well but was hired for one of the two possible openings. The other had been filled by a dark-haired woman named Lisa Braeden. She had most likely joined thinking it would be just as it was on t.v. and soon proved to be incapable of working on the team. She was fired within a month.

How she was chosen in place of you you’d never know, it felt like a slap in the face when someone who took the job as a joke was deemed worthier than you. Someone else took her position after that. And that’s how it was in the other two stations you’d applied. Your town was a decent size so there was plenty of work to be done but no one wanted to take you. It stung, and you’d never know why you just couldn’t seem to make it. But just like every other time, you’d pick yourself up and work your hardest to get where you wanted to be.

You pushed the memories away and continued down the sidewalk, after all, you were feeling pretty good, why not push yourself a bit? So off you went, passing bikers and families in their yards and- was that smoke? Was someone barbecuing? Maybe a bonfire? You’d seen plenty of those lately as most of the people in your town were tired of being indoors due to cold weather.

No…this wasn’t campfire you were smelling… Sure enough, upon looking to the sky a thick black cloud of smoke and ash arose in the near distance. Taking out your headphones you could hear the sounds of a panicked crowd. No way that could be good.

You didn’t think twice as you put one foot in front of the other faster than you’ve ever done before. Your heart hammered against your chest and stomach turned sour. It wasn’t unusual for that to happen, you always got this feeling when something was wrong.

You stared in horror as you drew nearer to the gathering crowd. Before them stood a tall apartment building whose top floor windows billowed small puffs of smoke.

Making your way to the growing group of bystanders, you put your hand on the shoulder of the young man who stood closest to you. “Has anyone called 911?” He nodded and his voice was hoarse when he spoke. “Just called them, fire hasn’t even been going for that long, smoke detectors went off maybe a minute ago.”

One minute seemed about right as people were still filing out of the doorway. At least it hadn’t been going for too long.

Just then a scream erupted from a woman as she stumbled from the building, “Someone help me!” She was covered in soot and a man near her attempted to calm her down. She smacked away his arm which he had tried to reach out to her with, “She’s in there! Don’t tell me to calm down! She’s stuck!”

You were headed towards her in no time flat, leaving the kid you were talking to behind. “Hey!” Several people turned to look at you but the woman continued to yell at the man beside her. “Hey!” She lifted her head as you erupted from between two confused teenagers. “Is there someone in there?” She frantically nodded as she gasped for air, “My-my daughter! She-she’s stuck, a beam fell on top of her!”

If you waited for the fire department they’d never get to her in time. She’d die of smoke inhalation. But if you didn’t wait, if you went in to find her, you’d be running the same risks yourself.

Your eyes flicked to the scarf around the woman’s neck. You quickly but gently unwrapped it from around her and put it over your hair and looped it around your own neck, pulling it over your mouth. She caught on to what you were doing and shrugged off a heavy blue coat and thrust it towards you. You slipped it on without a word.

“I need her name and the floor she’s on!” You yelled, muffled through the fabric.

“Her name’s Anna, she’s on the third floor!” She clutched your hand. “Please! She’s only eight, please save my baby!”

And suddenly it didn’t matter that you didn’t have your suit, it didn’t matter you knew you might never walk back out of those doors, it only mattered that there was a girl who needed to be reunited with her family. And so you went, shooting through the entrance to find a girl whose life was now in your hands.

It took less than three seconds for you to begin to sweat, all around you thin trickles of smoke crept down the stairwell but there was not a flame to be seen on this bottom floor. It must have started on the top. You crouched and called for the girl the best you could while flicking your phone flashlight on. It wasn’t as bright as the ones you normally carried into a fire but it would have to suffice.

“Anna! Anna can you hear me?” You called for the young girl as you located the steps. Your eyes stung and streamed with tears from the acrid smoke. You could only hope she was still on the third floor, if she’d managed to get free and wandered through the building, you’d never find her.

You stumbled up the stairs as you strained to see in front of you, the ash was now growing so thick it almost all but choked out the weak glow coming from the phone. You began to notice that your skin was growing more and more sensitive to the touch, the heat was going to be too much soon. Suddenly, the growling of the flames grew to a roar as you drew closer to the heart of the fire. You passed the second-floor door, taking steps two at a time.

“Anna! If you can hear me I need you to make some noise for me!” You wondered if it would matter if she did, everything was so loud it would be almost impossible to hear her. “Anna!” You continued up and up as you passed the sea of orange and red, glass digging into the soles of your shoes as you drew closer to floor number three.

Finally, bursting into the hallway you frantically searched for the door to the apartment that held Anna. Pieces of plaster rained down above you as the inferno crept along the ceiling, devouring everything in its wake. The fire had already devoured the three floors above you and was picking up speed.

“Anna! Anna can you hear me!” The carpet was now alight as well and you attempted to skirt around large patches of flames. Then, you heard it. It was faint but unmistakable. It was a pounding on the wall beside you that sounded a hell of a lot like a knock. “Anna I’m coming, hold on!” She had to be in the room on the other side of the wall. You scrambled towards the door to that apartment but were met with tall hungry flames guarding the entrance.

“Dammit!” You were not about to let a little girl die, not when you were so close. You backed as near as you could to the opposite wall which was just as consumed by the blaze as the others. The inferno licked at your calves and you recoiled out of instinct as you screamed in pain. Damn you for wearing shorts, you knew you should have worn sweatpants.

You brushed away the thought and with the little room you had you threw yourself into the door with your shoulder, doing your best to avoid the fire that had set itself in front of it. The door swung open and cracked as the frame broke, you landed on the living room floor with a sickening thud.

“Anna, I’m here!” You were coughing uncontrollably and your lungs burned. Hauling yourself up you made your way to the bedroom when your shoes began to resist with each step as they began to stick to the flooring. The rubber was melting. That could only mean trouble.

“Anna!” You stepped through the open doorway to find a small girl whose legs were trapped underneath large pieces of debris. The ceiling above her had caved in and was drooping down towards where she lay on the ground. No doubt she’d have severe burns.

You flew to her side and she grasped your hand weakly, her blonde hair was charred and blackened in places. It had probably caught fire at some point. “Hey, Anna I’m gonna get you out of here okay?” You said as you placed your hands underneath the pieces of wood and steel holding her to the ground. She slightly nodded her head as her eyelids fluttered.

“No no no! I need you stay awake for me! Keep those eyes open, Anna!” She muttered what sounded to be an okay but her head dropped the floor. “Shit!” You pulled up with all your strength and the debris began to groan. The metal beneath your palms seared into your skin and you cried out as your muscles shook with the effort. It didn’t budge. You let go as tears of frustration rolled down your cheeks, there wasn’t much time.

You looked down at your hands to see them red and badly burned, a few bubbles underneath the skin arose on your palms and you choked back a sob. Anna was lucky it wasn’t the steel that had come in contact with her, but the wood. Sure she’d still retain some burns but not as painful as those from the metal.

You looked down to where she lay unmoving. “I’m gonna get you back to your mom, don’t you worry.” You whispered. Coughing again, you snatched a metal pipe from the wreckage. It burned hot against your sore skin but wasn’t nearly as harmful as the beam had been. You thrust it between the piece of wood over legs and the other piece under that one. You prayed the pipe would hold and you used it as a lever. Sure enough, the rubble groaned once more and you pushed down with all your might. With one hand you reached down and pulled Anna far enough that she was free and you let go of the pipe as it clattered to the floor.

The fire around you burned even hotter than it had before, if that was even possible, and you wordlessly scooped up the small girl in your arms. A small whimper left her lips. You laughed despite the situation, “She’s alive! Oh thank God!” You held her close as you tried to return the way you had come.

By the time you were in the stairwell of the second floor you had become light headed and breathing became a difficult task. The bottoms of your feet were beginning to erupt in pain as the soles of your shoes became extremely hot, the plastic and rubber was burning through the soles.

“Almost there, Anna. We’re almost there.” You wheezed. The backs of your arms were now as burned as the backs of your legs and it was suddenly so much harder to carry Anna than it had been thirty seconds ago. The floor seemed to sway below you and keeping your balance on the steps suddenly became impossible. Before you knew what was happening, you were falling down the steps but managed to bring Anna as close to your chest as humanly possible, shielding her from making contact with the ground. The wind was knocked out of you as you hit the landing.

You couldn’t get up. Everything hurt, every nerve was exploding. Your hands were slick with your own blood but none of it mattered, not as long as you could still feel the rise and fall of Anna’s chest against your own. Taking in oxygen was like trying to breathe through a straw and the edges of your vision crept with black.

“No,” you murmured. “Not like this, not now.” Pushing aside the pain and your fear you forced yourself to remain conscious. Just through the door next to your head was the first floor, the floor with the exit. Anna’s mom was just outside. Her daughter remained still in your lap.

Another scream escaped you as you attempted to sit up, pushing against the concrete with one hand so you could rest against the back wall. Your ankle hurt more than your scalded skin and you realized why as you looked down to see it bent at an awkward angle.

“Fuck.” Maybe you wouldn’t make it out. Maybe you were going to let down Anna and her mom. Looked like you’d never be a real firefighter, just someone who made a stupid split second decision and couldn’t even follow through. No wonder no one would hire you- you were more reckless than you had thought- a danger to others. Maybe they had seen that in you before you had.

Just as you were about to close your eyes and end the fight you were trying so hard to continue- a voice called out through the smoke.

“Is anybody in here?!”

A powerful beam of light shown through the window on the stairwell door.  Your heart fluttered in your chest. You tried your voice but all that came out was a breathy wheeze.

“Lawrence Fire Department! Call out! Is anyone in here?!”

You rapped your blood caked knuckles against the door. The footsteps drew closer. You knocked again and again. Harder and harder. Suddenly the door swung open and you squinted against the glow of the flashlight. Relief flooded through you and you gave Anna’s hand a small squeeze. A tall figure stood in the doorway and you could hear the hissing of his oxygen mask.

“I’ve got two victims, an adult and child female. Inform the medics t’ have oxygen ready.” The man had a smooth southern accent and you focused on it- focused on anything to try and stay awake.

He knelt down beside you and put a hand under Anna before he lifted her out of your arms. You didn’t have the strength to protest.

“We gon’ get you out of here. I’m gonna take her an’ my buddy’s gon’ help you on out, okay?” You nodded the best you could as you watched him take away the little girl you’d tried so hard to save. You could only pray she’d make it.

A second firefighter skirted around the first and quickly slipped his arms under your knees and kept a hand behind your back. Your head lolled a bit until you rested it against his chest. Sleep sounded so nice now… maybe if you just closed your eyes…

“That was really brave of you sweetheart,” His voice snapped you back to attention. “Just don’t go doing it again, you nearly got yourself killed.” He didn’t sound stern, only worried. You didn’t even try to reply. Your throat burned so badly, you knew it was no use. As he stepped out into the light with you held tight to his chest, people all around you began to clap.

Anna’s mom ran up to the firefighter carrying Anna ahead of you, sobbing and thanking him for saving her daughter. You couldn’t hear much over the sirens and the crowd but you were sure you heard, “Don’t thank me ma’am, thank the woman behind me.”

The man whose arms were wrapped around you settled you onto a gurney once you reached the ambulance. You whined when your ankle came in contact with the sheets. The firefighter proceeded to remove his helmet and mask as the paramedics began to work on you.

The first thing you noticed was his green eyes, gazing at you with such concern you wanted to be able to assure him you were fine but you still couldn’t speak. His short dark blonde hair stuck every which way as he ran his hand through it.

“She gonna be okay?” He asked the woman who was now taking a look at your ankle.

“She’ll live. Ankle’s definitely broken though,” She looked back up to you. “Shouldn’t have tried to be such a hero, look where it gets you.” She snarked. You were taken aback by her comment, like going in after the little girl was a bad thing. You waved away the oxygen mask the other medic was about to put on you and attempted to put the woman in her place.

Your voice was hoarse and raspy but you were so determined that it didn’t matter your lungs were screaming at you not to speak. “I did it because it was the right thing, the broken heart of a mother who has lost her child isn’t as fixable as a broken ankle, lady,” You paused to cough, “kiss my ass if you think I was trying to be a hero.”

The firefighter smirked at that. The medic looked for a way to go back over her mistake. “I-I uh-of course. Sorry.”

You allowed the other medic to put the mask around your head now but still gave the girl an icy glare. Yeah, it probably wasn’t smart to run into a fire- you of all people knew that- but your injuries meant nothing if Anna could be saved.

“It’s a miracle you’re even alive, much less conscious.” The green eyed firefighter stated quietly. “Without a suit, I don’t know how you even made it to the third floor.” He shook his head.

You shrugged and then winced at the movement. Your arms were still badly burned and the adrenaline was wearing off.

“What’s your name?” He asked with a smile.

Oh hot damn. That’s one hell of a smile. Part of you was sure you were blushing but it was impossible for anyone to tell, you were covered head to toe in ash, you were bloody. In short, you were a mess.

It took a moment to remember he had asked you a question. You tried to answer him but not a sound came out. Looks like your voice had finally given out. You pointed to your throat to show him it wasn’t going to happen. The annoyed medic gently pulled your arm down and held it still to begin an IV.

“Dean, if you don’t mind, we’ve got to load her into the ambulance. Maybe you could finish this conversation another time.” He sighed.

You took note of the name.

Dean’s face reddened a bit. “Right! Right, sorry guys. I should know how this routine goes by now,” He chuckled awkwardly. He put a hand on your good ankle and shot you a wink. “Take care, don’t go running off into anymore burning buildings.”

He strode away towards the fire engine and you watched him go. You watched him cross the street until he reached a man whom you knew all too well. The same man who had told you just this morning that Lawrence Fire Department just wasn’t for you.

Bobby Singer looked out over the scene and drew his brows together. Another man, tall and stern looking stood beside him. You assumed that was Rufus, Bobby’s best friend and one of the most skilled firefighters in the house. Rufus had known your father when he was a firefighter. But that was a long time ago.

As the gurney was lifted into the ambulance Bobby’s eyes met yours across the way. You wanted to push all of the resentment you had felt earlier into your gaze but you couldn’t do it. Something told you this whole situation wasn’t black and white. You could have sworn you saw guilt in his eyes- but maybe you were wrong.

Dean turned around and followed Bobby’s line of sight to see you disappearing into the back of the truck. He gave you a small wave and you smiled back at him. At least someone on the fire department thought you were worth their time. You couldn’t stop it even if you wanted to as the little smile turned to a grin that stretched ear to ear- despite your pain.

Bobby ripped his eyes away from you to mutter something to Dean. Dean froze up and his face fell. He looked to his fire chief and back at you with wide eyes, he went pale. The hell just happened?

You didn’t have a chance to find out before the doors were slammed shut and the ambulance began to move on down the road. The pit in your stomach grew. Your grin disappeared as you allowed the paramedic to continue without protesting.

There had to be a connection between the Fire Chief and your inability to get a job any fire department within any of the closest counties. Bobby Singer was keeping secrets. Now it was just time to uncover the history no one wanted to talk about, the accident Bobby didn’t think anyone knew about all those years ago.

It was time to uncover the whole truth.

Tags: @hasta-impalasta @metaphysicalmisha @love-me-winchester @msimpala67  @torn-and-frayed  @ilostmyshoe-79  @faith-in-dean @bringmesomepie56  @deanssweetheart23  @impala-dreamer @luci-in-trenchcoats @curliesallovertheplace  @chaos-and-the-calm67 @ravengirl94 @lipstickandwhiskey @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @effie-w (hope a few of y’all don’t mind the tag, just tagged those who asked to be and tagged some of my favorite writers)

[surveysonfleek]

518.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 28

2601. Do you think cell phones cause cancer? apparently everything causes cancer these days. i don’t know anyone personally who doesn’t have a cell phone, would that mean the chances of getting cancer at at its highest? Are cell phone users more likely to get into car accidents? while using the phone while driving, yes. Do cell phones really interfere with a plane's navigation equipment? apparently so. Are cell phones immune from computer viruses? i don’t think so? Can using a cell phone at a gas station spark a fire? apparently. geez, five questions within one question. cool.

2602. What makes a guy see a chick as less of a cute little girl and more of a woman? i guess if they look older? 2603. What is it about football that makes people want to watch it? the passion, the atmosphere and the game itself? i hate football though lmao. 2604. What is the best show on tv? tbh i think it’s the office.  2605. Are you more of a tape dispenser or a stereo speaker and why? i’m... not sure. 2606. What do you think is overrated? instagram models and most youtubers. What is underrated? people out there trying to make a difference in the world. 2607. Can spiders ump? huh? Did you interpret that as 'jump' or 'hump or 'bump' or other? jump. 2608. What's the matter with adults today? we’re too reliant on technology. 2609. Have you ever worked 'off the books'? no...? 2610. Have you ever worked 9-5? i have before. If not do you think you ever will? i don’t right now, but i’d love to have a normal working schedule like that. i hate working nights. 2611. Do men or woman make better bosses? it honestly just depends on the person. 2612. Do you believe that people should more up through a company or that the higher up positions should be filled by people hired from outseide the company? i think people should be offered to move up in their company since they’re more likely experienced with the ‘smaller’ things. 2613. Why is it that no one seems to care about their job? it’s just a grind, need to work to live, right? 2614. When I go into a store, why doesn't anyone know anything about what they are selling? that just means their training wasn’t in depth enough. 2615. Have you ever seen those people that get that blank, lost expression when they go into a store and kinda shuffle along like zombies? not really? Do you wonder how they got up, dressed themselves, and made it to the store in the first place? ... 2616. When did you/will you graduate college? i graduated in 2013. 2617. When will Eminem stop whining about his bad childhood and move on?? i haven’t heard him whine about that in a long time. 2618. I am drug free. Are you drug free? yes. 2619. I have piercings and am getting tattoos. Do you have either? i have my ears and nose pierced. no desire to get tatts. 2620. Can you REALLY say that your way is the right way? sometimes. Maybe there is a different way for everyone? sure. 2621. What do you think of the song 'Imagine'? it’s soothing and thought provoking. 2622. Can you think of any reason i might have written this, other than I am bored with too much time on my hands? no idea. 2623. What is the purpose of art? i guess to get our visual senses running. How about movies? Music? 2624. Do you think that anything has lost its value because it's become too 'commercial'? What? instagram. before it was just a way to share photos but now it’s a popularity contest. 2625. Have you ever been promoted? no actually lol. fired? not really, more like ‘let go’. they didn’t need me anymore coz their business was failing. 2626. What do you call your private area? Does it have a nickname? vag. and no. 2627. What parts of your body are shaved? armpits, legs and down there. 2628. What is a peachclam? female genitals? 2629. What is the american dream? being successful in america. Is it the same as your dream? no, i don’t like there. 2630. Do you need to be right all the time? no. 2631. There was a sculpture that was supposed to be displayed for a week in the Rockafeller Center in NYC of a falling woman - designed as a memorial to those who jumped or fell to their death from the World Trade Center. It was complained about as grotesque, innopropriate and describe as 'not art' What do you think? 9/11 is still a very sensitive topic, i believe it could be considered art but the negative way it’ll make people feel overpowers its artistic message. It was taken down early because it was seen as 'offensive'. What do you think about that? that totally fair enough. The artist, Fischl, said in a statement. ``It was a sincere expression of deepest sympathy for the vulnerability of the human condition. Both specifically towards the victims of Sept. 11 and towards humanity in general.'' Are people just too sensitive? Or maybe people are NOT sensitive ENOUGH to the idea that others may have different views from them (or from the majority)? i can see it from both ways. She these different, opposing or offensive views be allowed to be expressed freely and openly? Why or why not? i think it’s best if it were in an art gallery instead. more like-minded people would visit it and appreciate it how the artist wanted it to be portrated. 2632. What letter's sound do you like the best? i’ve... never thought about that. 2633. What is one movie charater you identify with and why? none really. 2634. Do you act the same when you are alone as you do when people are watching? not really. 2635. Why is everyone so obssessed with superheros? i don’t knowww. 2636. What cliches do you hear over-used the most? meh. 2637. Do you handle inconvieniences well? not really. i’ll most likely complain. 2638. Are you a fan of Jackie Chan? yeah, he’s funny, talented, charming and does his own stunts lol. 2639. Is a promise a big deal? to me, yes. i don’t take them lightly. 2640. What is your place in the universe? right here. 2641. Once some scientists dug up a woolly mamoth, frozen in ice. It was still completely whole, not rotted or fosilized. The scientists decided to have a dinner party. It was a very posh affair. they served roast woolly mamoth steaks, the rarest meat in all the world. So, if you were invited, would you have eaten it? no. 2642. What are 3 things you DON'T want to know? when im gna die, any ‘truths’ in my family that would make me think differently of them and sob stories in general. 2643. It seems to me that a lot of people don't value their lives, or life in general very highly. Why do you suppose that is? it’s just the way the world works i guess. not everyone wants to eat healthy, work out, strive to be the best person they can be etc.  Are you like that? sometimes. 2644. Do you celebrate the harvest moon? no. 2645. Do you believe in out of body experiances? possibly. 2646. Why does so much depend upon a red wheel barrel glazed with rain water beside the white chickens? ok. 2647. Why do so many people get jobs that they dislike? because it’s all about earning money. 2648. Do you think that in THIS world, being creative is a handicap? no? Why or why not? being creative is a blessing and a way to express yourself. 2649. Do you ever get chills or shivers during movies? What movies? not really. 2650. Do you believe in the collective unconsiouss(that people are like onions..the outer layers are individualistic and the deeper you go the more similar we all are)? lol haven’t thought about it that deeply. 2651. Do you think that most people have the qualities you look for in friends/intimate relationships or do you feel alienated? the people i surround myself with are enough. i’m not really looking for new friends. 2652. Are you very critical: of others? yes. of yourself? yes. 2653. Is there such a thing as expecting too much? definitely. 2654. Would you rather take an hour lunch break or skip lunch and get out of work early? ski[ lunch and get off work early, always. 2655. Do you believe that happiness is equal to fakeness? shallowness? joy? something good that happens? an attitude you have inside no matter what happens? idk. 2656. Can you control your emotions? for the most part, yes. have you ever tried? yes. 2657. Imagine you are 34 weeks pregnant. You are healthy and you didn't have any major problems in your pregnancy. Would you consider flying from the UK to Germany, which takes one hour, without a bad feeling that something could go wrong or the baby decides to come out earlier? there would have to be a really good reason that i’m flying in the first place. i usually wouldn’t risk it. 2658. How long do you think it would take you to jog a mile? forever. i’m really unfit. 2659. Word assciation: twilight: wolf. garden: gnome. warm: sun. stars: sky. crash: bandicoot. mold: bathrooms. gold: leaf. green: leaf. lush: garden. 2660. Picture a triangle: Quick! What color is it? orange. Picture a square. Quick! What color is it? blue. Picture a circle. Quick! What color is it? yellow. Why do you think you saw these shapes as these colors? idk lol. 2661. What things are endless? nothing. 2662. Are you ever subtle? i can be. 2663. Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood...some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't conceive of your life without it? How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? How can you fully appreciate these moments, every moment, when it all seems limitless? ~Paul Bowles excerpt from The Sheltering Sky 2664. Do you never have an ordinary day? yes. 2665. Do you embrace every single thing you've never known? not everything. 2666. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a satanist? no lol. 2667. Can stress sometimes be good? if you work well under stress, then yeah. 2668. Write something random, just whatever flows out of your head without thinking. Forget punctuation just try to type as fast as you think: okay, this is getting boring.  2669. Are you a musical snob? yes. How about a film snob? no. 2670. When you were in school did you learn to think or repeat? think. 2671. Do you have everything you need to be happy? not yet. If not, what is missing? a direction. 2672. Would you take a very casualy dropped 'maybe I should just kill myself' as a warning ssign? yes, for sure. 2673. What does the word 'ironic' mean? Can you give an example of an ironic situation? no. 2674. What did you see today that was beautiful in an ordinary way? a plane flying through the sky. 2675. Have you ever been on the edge of the night? no? 2676. Do you feel oppressed in some way? no. 2677. Who do you think shot JFK? idk. Who do you think shot Martin Luthar King? idk. Why do you think they got shot? haters. 2679. Are you aware that although only about 14 percent of the american total population is black, that about 70 percent of the people in jail in america are black? Why do you think that is? a large part of it is racism, surely. a lot of the stuff in the media basically proves it. What conclusion can you draw based on this? whatever. 2678. Do you think that the culture you live in is completely open to all ideas and forms of expression? hell no. australia is one of the most narrow minded countries that’s very developed. tell me otherwise, please. 2680. What do you think of the character (muppet) on sesame street that has aids and should this kind of a theme be explored in children's television? it’s good. and yes, i feel like children should be educated on the different backgrounds and situations people in the world can be in. 2681. Are you dyslexic? no. 2682, Can you construct a bong out of: household objects? sure. an apple? sure. your cat? i dont have a cat. 2683. Starwars, star trek or star gate? none. 2684. Windows or mac? mac. 2685. Do you start conversations or wait for other people to start them? it depends who it is. 2686. How many phallac symbols can you think of? plenty. 2687. Would you but tickets to see the top ten american idols sing live? no. 2688. A bird may love a fish...but where would they live? on the shore. 2689. Are you a hologram or a misfit? none. 2690. How are you oriented sexually? straight. Do you agree with the people who say that everyone is bi-sexual even if they don't want to admit it? i think preferences are purely dependant on the person. you can’t label anyone but yourself. 2691. If you are the only human on the planet of the apes do you have sex with an ape? i don’t know. 2692. If you are making out with a sex someone and you reach down and find they have a fish tail instead of legs do you still fool around with them? no. 2693. Does superman wear kryptonite condoms? idk. 2694. Do you know exactly where you are? Do you know the meaning of it all? Do you know the distance to the sun? Do you know the echo that is love? *yawn* 2694. Do you believe you are: extraordinary? Blessed? Cursed? Won? lame lol. 2695. What are you doing this weekend? not sure yet. definitely going out on sunday night though.  2696. Do you believe that black people should get money to make up for their previous enslavement? the ones who have been freed, yes definitely. Do you believe that all oppressed people should get money to make up for their oppression? yes. 2697. What's a quagmire? that guy from family guy. 2698. Is philosophy a science or can everyone have their own philosophy? to each their own. 2699. Are you a big fish in a small pond? no. 2700. Would you like to read an entire novel written in stream of consciousness form? idk.

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.

[yamesutya]

1-154 all of them!! Because I want to know everything!! what the heck! I love you, have a lovely night :)

LMAO ANON YOU CRAZY I LOVE YOU THOUGH THANK YOU HAHA

(lol I’m working my way through them, it’s not quite done yet. ANON YOU BETTER SEE THIS LOL)

1. Full nameSonia Fan (that’s it, no middle name)

2. Zodiac signleo

3. 3 Fears bugs, the ocean, being alone/forgotten/left behind

4. 3 things I lovepuppies, tacos, traveling

5. 4 turns onsnice eyes, a good sense of humor, being open-minded, nicely kept hair (particularly the swooped up style that hector used to have)

6. 4 turns offs lack of communication, unfaithfulness, racism/general offensive behavior/lack of understanding of others, poor taste in sports teams lmao 

7. My best friend my roommate!

8. Sexual orientationstraight

9. My best first datelol ok well this might sound confusing but I’ve never really officially dated anyone (to me this means officially bf/gf), but I’ve gone on a nice date on valentine’s day and the relationship didn’t end up being weird even though it didn’t work out… we just went to the movies and dinner

11. What do I miss
LONDON, all the places I’ve traveled mostly… OOH, the animes I finished recently because I need them to come back RIGHT NOW

12. What time were I born
I actually don’t remember… 

13 Favourite colour purple

14. Do I have a crush
hm, not really, kind of still like the guy I was talking to a while ago but ATM it’s best I just focus on myself

15. Favourite quote
this isn’t necessarily my favorite, but one I’ve always remembered and liked is “the past is in the past, let it fucking GO”

16. Favourite place
london, hands down, can you tell? 

18. Do I use sarcasm
hahaha oh boy do I ever I’ve been sarcastic since day 1

19. What am I listening to right now
irl nothing lol 

20. First thing I notice in new person
their smile, how they carry themselves 

21. Shoe size
teeny tiny, 5-5 ½, sometimes a 6

22. Eye colour
brown

23. Hair colour
dark brown

24. Favourite style of clothing
anything in the color black lmao I kid you not. comfy, clean but cute and stylish I guess, I’m pretty basic tbh 

25. Ever done a prank call?
noooo

26. What colour of underwear I’m wearing now?
I had to check lmao, white

27. Meaning behind my URL
hector is the (albeit problematic but lovable) OG arsenal fav, he’s not the first reason I looked into arsenal, but he is what hooked me 

29. Favourite song
honestly I have a few, my most recent jams have been La Carretera (Prince Royce), Ya Me Enteré (Reik ft. Nicky Jam), Nunca Me Olvides (Yandel), aaand Caroline (Aminé) randomly

lots of latin music since I’ve had the local latin station on a lot lol

30. Favourite band
This Century, Marianas Trench 

31. How I feel right now
a little stressed, but doing ok

32. Someone I love
my parents

33. My current relationship status
single, a little confused and sad, but still sort of ready to mingle

34. My relationship with my parents
I get cranky when I stay at home too much these days, but it’s good so far and I love them, I miss them every time I leave. I don’t tell them enough but I’m super thankful for the life they’ve given me, I graduate soon and I know when that happens and I see them I’m going to be emotional 

36. Tattoos and piercings?
used to have my ears pierced, no tattoos  

Tattoos and piercing i want
one day I’ll probably get my ears pierced again, and I actually do want a few tattoos even though when I was younger I never thought I would. I want some purple flowers on my wrist, and potentially ones involving arizona, where I’m from, maybe my astrological sign or some kind of soul animal, but I’m not sure about those so it’d be a while if I were to get the last two

37. The reason I joined Tumblr
my friend had one and it looked fun lol. and I was just getting into kpop 

38. Do I and my last ex hate each other?
um. he’s not even really an ex since we were still figuring things out. but we’re a bit awkward. we’re just both dumb and stubborn tbh

39. Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?
i have occasionally

40. Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
it’s my dad, so kind of yes lol

41. When did I last hold hands?
october…?

42. How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
if I’m not showering I can get ready in 20 minutes but it’s nothing fancy

43. Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?
yes actually

44. Where am I right now?
my apartment kitchen table 

45. If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?
probably my roommate 

46. Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
reasonable

47. Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
not at the moment

48. Am I excited for anything?
my sports classes, nervous-excited for graduation, spring break…

49. Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
yesss, he is my self-titled gbf actually lol

50. How often do I wear a fake smile?
when I’m working games for my athletics department internship haha, it’s not super forced but I do smile a little harder purposefully

51. When was the last time I hugged someone?
today! some of my fellow senior friends because almost graduating is weird

52. What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else rightin front of me?
it would be real bad, I’m not good at taking things like that. I’d have to leave, if I was drunk I’d probably cry and potentially throw up. this is only because the last person I kissed I really liked, if it was a person I randomly made out with one time it wouldn’t be that bad

53. Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
probably the guy I keep talking about in this, he is a good person who can be trusted, I probably just trusted him with too much of me when we both weren’t ready for each other (ew was that too deep I’m sorry lol)

54. What is something I disliked about today?
being too tired to properly read as much for my homework as I had wanted, boo :(

56. What do I think about most?
at the moment, my future, and also the animes I’ve recently watched 

57. What’s my strangest talent?
I can lick my elbow and I have super flexible/hyper-extended knees (idk are these even talents lmao)

58. Do I have any strange phobias?
that one where you don’t like tons of tiny holes in things

59. Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?I’d be lying if I said just behind, but I do like taking pictures since I take pretty good ones, so it’s a little of both. I like attention though so mostly in front haha unless I’m doing dumb things

60. What was the last lie I told?
I said I’d bring in the routes I was supposed to deliver posters to for my internship, but I’m going to making up notes and turning it in to get paid even though I didn’t deliver any, oops 

61. Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
video chatting, I hate talking on the phone for some reason

62. Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
not really, I’m not against believing in them, I just don’t really think about them much

63. Do I believe in magic?hmmmmmm yes…

64. Do I believe in luck?
yeah, I’d say I do, I believe in fate a little at least

65. What’s the weather like right now?
chilly

66. What was the last book I’ve read?
I recently restarted Soccernomics, but I haven’t had time to read again lately

67. Do I like the smell of gasoline?
not really

68. Do I have any nicknames?
not any that have stuck

69. What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?
I’m a baby, nothing worse than cuts, bruises, scrapes, etc. 

70. Do I spend money or save it?
lol I’m not the worst but I’m a spender

71. Can I touch my nose with a tongue?
yes!

72. Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?
one of my G2 pens

73. Favourite animal?
DOGS ALL THE DOGS, but also otters, lions and foxes, red pandas… 

74. What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
watching youtube videos lol

75. What do I think is Satan’s last name is?
um…? no answer? idk

76. What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?


How can you win my heart?


What would I want to be written on my tombstone?


What is my favourite word


My top 5 blogs on tumblr


If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would Isay?


Do I have any relatives in jail?


I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good,and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice!What is that power?


What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?


What is my current desktop picture?


Had sex?


Bought condoms?


Gotten pregnant?


Failed a class?


Kissed a boy?


Kissed a girl?


Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?


Had job?


Left the house without my wallet?


Bullied someone on the internet?


Had sex in public?


Played on a sports team?


Smoked weed?


Did drugs?


Smoked cigarettes?


Drank alcohol?


Am I a vegetarian/vegan?


Been overweight?


Been underweight?


Been to a wedding?


Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?


Watched TV for 5 hours straight?


Been outside my home country?


Gotten my heart broken?


Been to a professional sports game?


Broken a bone?


Cut myself?


Been to prom?


Been in airplane?


Fly by helicopter?


What concerts have I been to?


Had a crush on someone of the same sex?


Learned another language?


Wore make up?


Lost my virginity before I was 18?


Had oral sex?


Dyed my hair?


Voted in a presidential election?


Rode in an ambulance?


Had a surgery?


Met someone famous?


Stalked someone on a social network?


Peed outside?


Been fishing?


Helped with charity?


Been rejected by a crush?


Broken a mirror?


What do I want for birthday?


How many kids do I want and what will be their names?


Was I named after anyone?


Do I like my handwriting?


What was my favourite toy as a child? 

Favourite Tv Show?


Where do I want to live when older?


Play any musical instrument?


One of my scars, how did I get it?


Favourite pizza toping?


Am I afraid of the dark?


Am I afraid of heights?


Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?


Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in theend?

What I’m really bad at


What my greatest achievements are


The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me


What I’d do if I won in a lottery


What do I like about myself


My closest Tumblr friend


Something I fantasise about my ex

Ask me stuff!