#like he's obviously horrible and neglectful towards his kids but they still have some sort of underlying bond? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

drifloonz · 1 year

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Hi! I'm usually not one to send asks all that often, but what the heck. I'm kinda curious about your thoughts on something too since I've seen a lot of differing opinions.

Steven. Obviously Miki's accident and Missingno annihilated his sanity, but I feel like Mike's ghost also haunts him. Not in a malicious way, but just by existing. He just really wants to understand why Steven had to do that to him but whenever he attempts to reach out Steven flips due to guilt. I've seen someone's headcanon where Steven is this cold-hearted bastard who never cared about Mike, even as kids, and idk. It just doesn't sit right with me. Nothing wrong with it I'm just wondering how many other people share that sentiment vs Steven feeling immense guilt at being so blinded by rage that he'd murder his own brother and basically sell his soul.

Sorry if this is too much, I tend to ramble 😅

HI!! you were my actual first ask but i didn't see this one at first until i was writing the other one and out of the corner of my eye saw this and went "wait a minute." funny how that happens.

ANYWAYS i can definitely do that for you and ALSO do not apologize i ramble so much as well its fine. this'll be so long i apologize so im putting most of it under a read more !

cw for Bad mental health, strangling/murder obviously, and also some suicidal ideation ( which is warned for in the paragraph its shown in ).

i think steven just sort of like... blocks it off and tries to forget everything about that ever happened, but obviously, you cant forget that stuff that easily. it haunts him but he tries to push it as far back to his head as he can and he tries to forget SOOO hard... he's in intense denial. i like the art of him immediately regretting it but i think he'd just stare at mikes corpse for a few minutes and then just be like. scarred by the imagery, and it'd make him breathe heavily and make his eyes widen in regret and he'd just keep staring for a few minutes. but he'd just run away afterward and it just burns into his mind sometimes, making him remember and regret it.

as someone with mental illness of Horribly Bad amounts, when someone you trust like that betrays you or you believe them to betray you ( which, its the ladder for steven and mike, mike obviously didn't intend to kill miki whether or not you believe he initiated the trade with slightly malicious/selfish intent or not ) it does bad damage to your psyche. especially when the murder of someone you care for is involved, which makes the thinking in steven's brain go "oh mike murdered miki. intentionally or not he's the reason she's dead." and then that makes him very upset towards mike mixed with someone he sorta looked up to betray him like that. he just regressed hard and went thru a depressive spiral for a whole year, having the thing he most loved taken away from him so suddenly almost entirely without his control, and then he got so tired of bottling it up he snapped ( lol ) and killed mike.

suicidal thoughts cw for this paragraph: and also during the 1 year without miki, steven obviously went through a major depressive episode and a sort of downwards spiral that just got worse and worse, and i don't think he wanted to get better. this is heavy but i sort of think he just hoped neglecting his self-care would eventually kill him and reunite him with his miki again, which is all he wanted. he didn't eat much if at all and he just sat in front of miki's grave, sometimes for days. he made a bed out of his misery, because it felt comfortable in a morbid way. if he died, he'd reunite with her, because at that point he didn't know anything could bring her back and all he wanted was her. it felt better than just... getting over it, or trying to. people convinced him to take better care of himself, but he still barely did anything past his necessities. this didn't help his mental state at all, as you can probably tell, which also fueled his hatred towards mike after the incident more and more. he made himself suffer this much due to an accident he caused, and he used that as further reasoning to dislike him, even though that was all self-inflicted.

i also like to think they didn't hate each other genuinely before this - mike never genuinely hated steven, but steven after the incident probably had Many complex feelings towards mike, mostly negative. but before the incident, they definitely had arguments and spats, and sometimes one would say something that would genuinely hurt the other ( usually steven did this to mike more than viceversa imo but both happened ) which both of them also probably bottled up and didnt talk about a lot ( although mike'd definitely apologize if he ever went too far - steven, i feel like would be too guilty and nervous to apologize ) which also sort of exploded in steven's face after miki died in front of him. those 3 things mixing together did not make a good combo for him.

the interp of missingno needing souls or steven at least thinking it does is fun but i like to think it never did and steven was just going through a horrendous downward spiral, and he went back home bc... where else would he go, he'd still have to pack the rest of his stuff to leave if he intended to, and seeing mike so vulnerable flipped a switch in steven's mind and made him just go [ steven voice ] "You know what would be funny?" ( worst way to describe that but u get it ). this can also arguably be missingnos influence or missingno possessing steven, which i feel is more plausible then it needing a sacrifice. but i think it just probably inserts or pushes forward steven's intrusive and aggressive thoughts, which i like to believe he always had especially after the incident, but never this bad. and then he just did it bc the thoughts wouldn't leave him alone and his mind convinced himself into it. even though he already had miki and didn't need to do that, it felt... fitting, to him. it was satisfying for a moment, especially because i like the interpretation that his mind warped mikes dying expression into him looking like he's laughing at steven ( explaining his hyplull sprites when hes being strangled being so weird ), until his mind realized the damage he just did, seeing mikes glazed over expression that was very much not smiling or laughing, and he went "oh. shit" in his head probably. his mind couldn't even comprehend what he just did. it'd take a lot of processing, and he didn't even want to process any of that, so after staring for a bit he just walked away from the scene and escaped to never be seen again.

i also like the interpretation that steven thought mike didn't actually care that much about miki dying or even did the trading thing on purpose - he clearly didn't kill her on purpose, but steven was so blinded by his own muddled emotions and rage and he needed an outlet, someone to blame, so he couldn't see it any other way and CONVINCED himself that mike did that on purpose. also because admittedly in canon mike saying that he needed a charizard implies he already had a charmeleon but thats muddy territory and probably just slightly a plot hole. but if that was the case i bet steven was like "... just evolve the charmeleon?" "but that'd take too looooong!" or something like that. mike is impatient as hell fr fr mans got adhd

if you want a good take on this and havent already, read faulty on ao3 . i hate ao3 for various reasons and only go there when im Parched for content. but goddamn that fic has the best characterization of the two imo, especially of this dynamic of them specifically along with their other relationships ( namely daisy and reds relationship to steven and mike too ) - steven even sometimes goes through like being slightly better around mike and then it all drops when he realizes she died for nothing, and mike didnt even finish the dex. fucking phenomenal fic tbh i love this characterization of them sm. a lot of this summarizes how i think they'd both act after the incident

____

as for the haunting... yeaaa. i think steven's just way too scarred and confused and scared to even allow mike to properly reach out, if steven even realizes it. i like to think he's paranoid and overthinks so he probably goes "oh god what if its mike" and then woopsy daisy! It is mike. and he just tries to pretend its nothing so bad and to ignore and avoid him because he's scared and confused and it makes him think far too long about his emotions on the situation that he was intentionally bottling up and pushing to the back of his head.

he also probably would think mike would try to revenge kill him because that's just how he thinks he himself would react if mike did that to him. Which makes him regret things further. he sleeps less due to this, usually on the defensive even though mike has no intent to harm him. i don't think mike ever had any room in his heart to ever hate steven. he's just confused or slightly upset at worst at anything steven's said or done to him... mike probably doesn't even really blame him, but he does just hope he's ok and prob lets out a sigh of relief when he finds steven, who is still a mess going through many things, and also murderous now, but he's still alive! which is a win in mikes book i guess!

he probably just tries to pretend mike isn't actually there or actively get rid of him, or he wouldn't even notice mike is haunting him in the first place, depending on how obvious the signs of the haunting are. his house is already sort of run down and haunted as fuck anyways, but in the back of his head he knows somethings off.

i also ... like the interp that steven took all of mikes team bc nobody was there to care for them anymore. so maybe when steven notices he sends out mikes blastoise or some of his other party members and hopes to god mike leaves him alone to go bother his own pokemon who he hasn't seen for years. after all, he basically never let mikes mons out of their ball, and even considered donating them all to professor oak or something ( probably just.. leaving the pokeballs out infront of the lab one day ) but that felt wrong, so he always kept them on hand. sometimes feeding them and not much else. mike probably had a ghost type ( gengar ) who can conveniently probably see him, and mike definitely would try to communicate to steven further through said ghost type. and he'd just be like. "gdi why did i send out the ghost type" in his mind.

miki can definitely see mikes ghost. mike is also like "OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. WAIT YOUR ALIVE????" in his head, but he quickly gets used to it. he has no idea what the hell a missingno is or how/why she's alive but he just stops questioning it. they sometimes share a glance and nod. mike will sometimes avert his gaze from her due to guilt though. miki doesn't seem to care or hold resent, probably because imo 'M ( however you want to spell Missingno Miki ) isn't actually miki. it's missingno sort of possessing, haunting, or keeping miki's dead corpse alive, but her soul is no longer there anymore. at least most of it Isn't there. due to that she's a lot more emotionless. even if miki's soul was in there though, she would not hold genuine resent. if miki's soul was in there she'd probably be scared of steven ( specifically yk S!3V3N ) tbh

i definitely think steven has hallucinations sometimes, usually of miki or mikes corpses, usually much more horrifying looking than they actually were, so this doesn't help!

steven overall is just on the fence and regrets it all but doesn't even wanna think abt or interact w mike but if he somehow became more okay with it, he might start leaving mike notes or something. or talking to himself, assuming mike might overhear. small steps like that. and maybe if mike is able to sometimes steven just passes out on the couch or smth and mike covers him in a blanket while hes asleep and stevens just like. "That was not there when I fell asleep." in his head. stuff like that.

also mike might switch the tv channels or just Project an image onto it somehow. and steven just. squints at it. i think it'd be nice if they eventually got used to eachothers presence again and just silently hung around eachother. mike really wants to look after steven after seeing the state he's in and how much he didn't really help steven effectively when mike was alive. for an example probably, like, nudging the bathroom door open and turning on the bathwater and trying to make steven take a mfing bath and practice self care for once and steven just begrudgingly sighs and goes to do it since he might as well. and mike just walks away and is very smug about it. he Will make his little brother practice self care again and he's made that his personal goal. steven walking into the kitchen and seeing various pots and pans floating around along with a mess on the floor ( mikes getting used to his levitation powers still </3 ) and he just squints his eyes and leaves and comes back and theres a meal on the counter

steven making pancakes and he just holds out a plate for mike and he just takes it. and steven just sees the plate floating and goes "yea thats about what i expected" or smth. its cute, Although i cant see that happening very easily unfortunately </3 steven is very broken and very much Not wanting to think abt mike. so itd take very long for him to warm back up or even be ok with him possibly existing arnd him. but this'd prob happen eventually if mike is persistent, and by god, is mike persistent. its what got him into this mess in the first place.

i can write so much abt these depressed ex champions fr!!! anyways thank you for reading sorry for writing so much words. i hope this feeds you enough content for the next winter. i hope literally any of this made sense bc i just sorta typed my thought processes until it looked legible - wispy

#wispy writes #steven strangled red #strangled red #mike strangled red #pokepasta #headcanons #ramblings #tldr; read faulty on ao3 for a very good fic w good characterization on both steven and mike after the incident bc that just captures it #ghost mike is such a funny concept bc i like to think he might mess w steven but in very small prank ways #long post btw. like looong post. i talk and ramble way 2 much i apologize

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rollercoasterwords · 1 year

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☕️ sirius’ relationship w his parents. ive seen so many dif takes w orion being a somewhat loving but passive father, to being even worse than walburga, or walburga being very physically abusive, to her being only emotionally abusive, etc. did they ever find out about sirius’ queerness, when, how

oooh this is another subject that i could see. so many different interpretations for!! obviously all we really know in canon is that sirius's parents were shitty in some way shape or form, to the point that he ran away from home and got disowned. i think people tend to focus in on walburga more just because we have more of a character for her in canon--like, we don't see orion's portrait yelling at everyone, y'know? and i think that's why he tends to get read as more passive than walburga.

personally when i'm interpreting sirius's relationship with his parents i tend to view. orion as essentially more distant and emotionally neglectful, rather than loving and passive--but still a bit secondary to walburga in terms of their dynamic with sirius. i still tend to interpret orion as very much like. the patriarch of the family, and like the person who got the final say on shit, and the person walburga answered to--because i do usually imagine pureblood households as intrinsically patriarchal. but i imagine that orion would sort of leave the disciplining to walburga, and that she was the parent who was much more involved in her children's lives. (gonna put the rest under a cut since i'm gonna be talking abt abuse + homophobia so! tw)

in terms of like. what kind of abuse sirius was suffering. i mean i really think that is very broadly open to interpretation. i think i tend to imagine that emotional abuse was like, the biggest aspect of it, and that to the extent that it was physical it was very much hidden and like. the sort of thing that may have walked the line between people brushing it off versus people taking it seriously--i.e, some people will get really upset if they hear someone hit their kid, others will think that's a legit form of discipline. and i think magic was definitely part of it as well--like walburga using silencio on sirius to steal his voice, etc. i think that as sirius grew older and started to act out more the abuse started to get worse as his parents attempted to "discipline" him or just to punish him for acting out, and i usually imagine that all of this built up until there was some very extreme instance of like. physical (or magical--i.e, crucio) abuse that caused him to finally feel like he had no option but to leave.

as for them figuring out he was queer. i like the hc that alphard was gay, and i imagine walburga growing up and seeing her brother get outed and like. horribly disowned from the family and driven out, and really internalizing this sort of vitriolic hatred towards queerness, feeling like her brother had been corrupted and led astray, etc etc. and i imagine her sort of...picking up on some of the signs in sirius as he's growing older and hitting puberty, even as he himself is still figuring it out. like i imagine walburga and sirius fighting about his hair a lot, for example, with walburga feeling like him imitating the hairstyles of muggle rockstars is queer, and sirius thinking he's just copying these cool guys that he likes a lot for...some reason. no reason in particular. it's probably nothing. y'know?

so i imagine walburga essentially "realizing" about sirius before sirius has even come to terms with it himself, and i imagine him really struggling with internalized homophobia because of this. like, because his first introduction to queerness is essentially his mother accusing him of being dirty and corrupted and wrong, i think even after he leaves home and has a healthier environment to figure himself out, he'd still have this very deep internalized fear that his mother was right about him, and i think it would take him a long time to come to terms with queerness as something that is not wrong, the way he was taught to think of it.

that is how i usually interpret sirius's relationship with his parents--but, like i said at the beginning, this is a subject i've seen taken in many different directions, and i'm not like. super attached to any one narrative. i think there's a lot of different possible ways to write the black family dynamic!

#ask

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crossdressingdeath · 10 months

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A thought: I think the whole traitor subplot in BNHA would've been better if... well, first off if it had been better established and woven throughout the story instead of being briefly established as a possibility and then basically completely dropped until the reveal of the traitor's identity, but also if instead of Aoyama the traitor was Todoroki. Or alternately (and possibly more entertainingly) Aoyama was still All For One's traitor but Todoroki was working with Dabi (although that would obviously require reworking the whole situation between them so that they weren't on the worst terms two brothers can possibly be on).

Like... Aoyama is a very sympathetic traitor. He's a kid put into a horrible situation by circumstances outside of his control, so of course the audience feels bad for him and wants things to work out for him in the end. But that's basically all he's got going for him as the choice for traitor beyond confirming that All For One is The Most Evil, which wasn't really necessary at this point in the story. I guess there is a little bit of a thing about how being quirkless is treated in the setting if you want to read it that way, but nothing that wasn't already covered with Deku. I like how there are things he does in earlier chapters that read very differently when you know he's the traitor (like him drawing attention to the fact that his whereabouts were unaccounted for during the USJ attack), but honestly that's the nicest thing I can say about him being the traitor. He's a very safe choice, for lack of a better way of putting it; the thing that led to him becoming a traitor was his parents' decision rather than his, he has to do it on pain of death, he wanted to help and tried to draw people's attention to him being suspicious so that they'd do something about it. You couldn't come up with a less controversial reason for someone to be a traitor if you tried! And it doesn't require interrogating anything about hero society that we weren't already interrogating.

Todoroki being the traitor would be an entirely different story, though. For one he actually has a motive beyond "I'll be killed if I don't"; honestly I'm a little surprised he's never even utilized as a red herring, because this kid is the only member of Class 1-A with any reason to side with the villains. The number two hero was violently abusive towards him from when he was five years old at the latest and no one ever helped him. Endeavor was physically abusive towards Shoto and neglectful towards his other kids and no one ever helped them. Even when Rei threw boiling water in her son's face, a) it seems likely that this was covered up to at least some extent since otherwise that sort of story would be a huge deal (it's exactly the sort of awful, sordid shit people like learning about celebrities, tabloids would eat that up) and b) no one investigated the household afterwards, or if they did they didn't do a very good job of it. Hell, Endeavor's not particularly subtle about it; he openly refers to Shoto as something he made to take down All Might to All Might's face (and I've read in the original Japanese he refers to Shoto as "it" instead of "him"? But I can't confirm that for myself currently), and Shoto sure as hell isn't hiding the fact that his father treats him terribly. But Endeavor faces zero consequences for the way he treats his family until Touya outs the whole affair to all of Japan! His status as number two—and later number one—hero is absolutely protecting him, and I get the sense Shoto is very aware of that. If anyone in this class was going to say "No, this society is terrible, tear it down and start again"... well, he definitely has the most reason to. He's also a significantly more important character in the rest of the story than Aoyama, which would give the betrayal more weight.

Also, since Horikoshi clearly wants a sympathetic traitor (which I have to say probably is the best way to go unless the traitor was Mineta in which case the class should throw him off the highest roof they can find, he'd deserve it no matter how sympathetic his motivation was)... "I want hero society rebuilt because it let my dad get away with abusing his whole family for a decade" is still really sympathetic! It's honestly just as sympathetic as Aoyama's motivation, it just allows the traitor some actual agency. Or alternately if he's Dabi's spy specifically it could be a situation where the two of them are using the League to get a shot at Endeavor as Dabi does in canon, in at least Shoto's case because all legal courses of action have failed to do anything for him and he's desperate to do something, anything to get out of Endeavor's clutches. Either way that would create an opportunity to actually examine the good points the villains make with a character who isn't... y'know, obviously full of shit. After all, if heroes can do whatever and it'll get covered up for the sake of The System then there will always be people abandoned and allowed to fall through the cracks, and some of those people are going to turn to desperate measures to help themselves because there is no other choice. Plus going back to the point of agency, a setup where Todoroki is willingly working with the League (or at least his brother) because he thinks it's the only way to create a better world (or the only way to deal with Endeavor) would create a situation where he could willingly switch sides because All For One has gone way too far and this is not what he wanted, which a) is a viewpoint from the villains that feels like it should've come up more and b) to me feels more compelling than "I never wanted to help them anyway" as a motivation to change sides.

Also I do have to admit it: I like me some Todobros. I was very disappointed when it turned out Dabi genuinely hated Todoroki, I wanted them to be close. Really ramp up the angst of them being enemies, y'know? Also (while I haven't got to the summer training camp arc of the anime yet so I don't know how it's animated) in the scene where Dabi first appears to steal Bakugou in the manga the art looked to me like he deliberately avoided hitting Todoroki with his flames so it feels like a real shame that it turns out that either that was incidental or Todoroki just dodged and I misread (mis-saw?) the scene when it could have been Dabi not being able to bring himself to hurt his baby brother. Anyway, having them be close and working together to bring down Endeavor would give me the dynamic between them that I wanted canon to have. It would also humanize Dabi a bit to have a single positive human connection that he genuinely cared about, which I do think he'd benefit from; there are many good bonds that people give him in fics and fanon, but canonically he genuinely doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone or anything other than taking down Endeavor, and at times it kind of feels like he's written that way just to devalue his really good reasons for wanting his dad gone (in ways other than. y'know. all the murder). Also if they were close and pretending they a) weren't related and b) hated each other there would be so many opportunities for them to say and do things that would read very differently on a second read. Also there could be Todoroki agreeing to turn triple agent on the condition that his brother is shown leniency for all that murdering he's been doing, which is just a fun concept to me.

Anyway, though. Main takeaway from this: I just think Todoroki would've been a much more engaging and believable traitor than Aoyama and having him be the traitor would've created more opportunities to engage with the problems of hero society instead of just being another instance of All For One being evil. And honestly the more I think about it the more of a wasted opportunity it feels like that Todoroki is never even used as a red herring for the traitor seeing as he actually has reasons to turn on hero society.

#bnha #*poking todoroki with a stick* aren't you tired of being nice? don't you just want to go apeshit?

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dulcewrites · 9 months

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I want to discuss one thing very controversial yet interesting regarding both Aegon and Aemond. TGC said Aegon thinks his family hates him and he is a disappointment from day 1, while it's clear Alicent loves him even though she rarely showes it. Yes, I won't deny, her parenting style is not perfect, but she tries her best with Aegon. However, I fully understand why Aegon doesn't see it as her love. She yells at him, hits him and speaks harsh words to his face. And then there is one moment when Meleys threatens him and Alicent steps in. Yes, her love really shines in here. But I think overall Aegon has heard lots of harsh words and received harsh treatment and one moment with Meleys can't erase it. That's why he asks if she loves him. It's important to him, obviously, but on if he was sure, he wouldn't have asked. Alicent isn't good at communicating her love through words and Aegon craves positive words of affirmation.

And there is Aemond. Ewan said he has never felt unconditional love from his family and many people said he didn't understand Aemond because Alicent and Helaena love him. And again, it's very similar to Aegon's case, it's just that people are too stupid to notice it imo. Ewan said Aemond never FELT meaning in Aemond's mind they have never loved him for who he was. He didn't say they never showed him their love, he said he never felt like this so I think Alicent showed him her unconditional mind, but in Aemond's insecure mind it didn't look like unconditional. It has nothing to do with Alicent and her displays of affection towards him, more with Aemond's insecurities, how he always wanted to prove himself so then people will love him and since one could always prove himself just one more time to finally be enough, it's neverending list of his attempts to show he is worth of affection. I think he thinks himself as undeserving of love, that he can't get it freely, he has to earn it and it's neverending cycle imo. I think many people lack reading comprehension in these one and some understanding regarding how insecurities work. Doesn't matter how many times someone assures you that you're enough, in your mind it's still more to do, more love to receive once you'll try harder to gain it. It just shows how big capacity Aemond has for love and how much he craves to be loved. I understand you are not in the mood lately, but please don't delete this question, I'd like to know your opinion so badly especially after you wrote in one of your asks that in your opinion Aemond has a subconscious need to be loved.

Ngl this sat in my asks box for a minute bc I sort of didn’t know what to add??

Tbh I don’t think saying Aemond has a need to be loved needs more explanation??? From me… from you… from ewan who literally plays him. Mainly bc most people desire being liked, wanted, loved etc. it’s not a foreign concept even if there are people around who do claim to love them. If people don’t get that, maybe they just aren’t… smart or paying enough attention to his character. If they don’t get that a kid that was bullied, maimed with no justice, neglected by his father, and someone who had to depend on his equally anxious mother would not feel unconditionally loved, that’s on them. They are entitled to their own wrong opinion and as someone who likes show Aemond and enjoys my show Aemond bubble - irdgaf what they think 😭

———

As for Aegon… how can I put this without people on my ass about it lmao. I think the way people want to paint Alicent as this horrible person, who has this mortal flaw for not ‘treating her kids well’. But then you have the people that completely overlook her relationship with her children and the cycle of trauma that is being repeated. It’s hard because there is this stigma of women being defined by their relationship with their kids (especially their boys, and it’s even more compounded in a world like the one hotd is set in). Also very rigid confines of what qualifies someone as being a ‘good mother’. It often strips women of the life and feelings they have not only towards their children but outside of them. On the flip side, motherhood and how it drives her decision making is a big part of Alicent’s journey. Much of what she does is for her children. They are all she has. But the way Alicent became a mother is not something that should be pushed to the side just because she loves them. It is something that needs to be present when discussing how her kids are treated and or why they feel the way they do

I’m not saying this is what you are doing anon, so please don’t take this wrong, but there’s this weird rhetoric around how Alicent should be more kind towards her kids - mainly Aegon and Helaena (Aegon in specific). I think it is fair to say, whether you like him or not, he hasn’t necessarily endeared himself to Alicent. It’s ok to say that even if he is a character you enjoy. Maybe pre ep 8, you could make the argument she’s ‘too harsh’. But as someone with trauma of my own when it comes to assault, I don’t like policing behavior. Aegon is a personification of her pain and the tower she has been placed in; that is what makes his relationship with her interesting. She can’t stand him at times - she’ll go to the ends of the earth for him. Then post ep 8 Aegon…. it’s weird to me that on one hand people admonish her for not being mean enough, as if she has the power to like send him away or something. But at the same time, those same people call her cunt and saying he is no son of hers or the slap???

Imo the conversation rest less on Aegon, and what he deserves or what he is doing. Because when people talk about Aegon, very rarely is it just to talk about his behavior - it is to either to discuss how Alicent is the root of his pain or blame her not doing enough afterwards. It all comes back to how Alicent needs to do this or that to be a better mother. I simply don’t care enough to have the conversation with most people in this fandom bc ‘rape victim having a complicated relationship the products of said rape is ok and real’ and ‘everyone, including Aegon, is going through some sort of trauma’ can coexist. And lots of people don’t see that on either side. The way Alicent and Aegon feel about their relationship can coexist with each other.

Like just the fact the conversation seems to always be framed around ‘well Aegon recieved [insert treatment] from Alicent’ and ‘not Viserys also has something to do with Aegon acting the way he does and should be blamed for making Alicent have Aegon then leaving her to raise him alone’ says something imo

#like idk if this answers anything bc tbh I didn’t know what you wanted me to say 😭 these are just ramblings I guess #the ‘Alicent should be nicer to appease people’ convo gives me the ick #once again.. not saying this what that anon is doing #but the rhetoric is a slippery slope and annoys me #hotd talk

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flying-elliska · 3 years

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one of the most impactful things I have read lately are two of French author Edouard Louis' books, Pour en finir avec Eddy Bellegueule and Qui a tué mon père (translated into English as The End of Eddy and Who Killed my Father). It's been two months and I'm still thinking about it.

The first book is an 'autobiographical novel' about the author's childhood growing up as an obviously gay boy in one of the poorest areas of France, until he leaves and reinvents himself as a writer. It's fraught with bigotry, abuse, bullying, violence, deprivation and social despair, and it's one of the most harrowing things I have ever read. It reads as many things as once : a recognition of trauma, an angry exorcism, a cry for society at large to pay attention, and to be honest, as a horror story.

It was criticized by some in France as portraying the working class in a manner that was too negative, which tells me they missed the point entirely...ironic for a book by someone who actually grew up poor - one of my least favorite things ever is progressives telling a marginalized person they can't talk about their own experiences because they don't fit the desired mold. (The French love to romanticize the working class and I'm pretty sure it's often an avoidance mechanism.)

The point of the book is so obviously not about 'look at how terrible and bigoted those poor people are'. Little Eddy spends a big part of the narrative trying to escape - himself at first, then his family/circumstances and the persistent homophobia everywhere. In the end of the book, he finally manages to get accepted into a fancy high school in the city on a scholarship and tries really hard to fit in. The last scene of the book is a bunch of his - educated, upper/middle class - classmates throwing homophobic taunts at him, starting the cycle anew. I can't think of a clearer way to say 'this is not a story about a sad gay boy escaping the evil bigoted countryside for the city and then everything was wonderful!!!! this is a story about a systemic, pervasive problem.'

One of the key arguments of the book, to me, is how homophobia, sexism and bigotry in general are both a product and a reproduction mechanism of social and economic exclusion. For instance, he describes how the norms around what it means to be a man in his village (being tough, disobeying authority, quitting school early to go work at the factory, drinking alcohol, neglecting your own health, fighting over women, repressing your feelings, etc) perpetuates the cycle of poverty ; but again this isn't 'oh these people are so stupid' and more 'these people are trapped'. Because he makes it evident how degrading and dehumanizing poverty can be, this masculinity reads as a desperate attempt to cling to a certain amount of dignity - it's an extremely dysfunctional coping mechanism. At the same time, anyone falling outside of the mold is violently ostracized (like Eddy, who tries and fails to fit in). So the system keeps reproducing itself.

In Who Killed my Father, the author makes his political argument clearer. This is more of an essay, centering on his father, arguably the most complex figure in the first novel. The man is an angry, bigoted alcoholic who makes his family miserable ; at the same time he is the son of an abusive father who makes a point of honor to never hit his kids or wife even though it's very normalized in this context. In this essay the author keeps talking about the moments of almost tenderness with his father that haunt him, the picture he has of him doing drag in his youth, the fact that the father tried to leave the village when he was young to find a better life for himself with a close friend but failed and had to come back - the moments of what-ifs, of trying to struggle free from the cycle, when the system appears almost fragile and not so unbreakable after all, that the son kept holding close like a sort of talisman.

The narrative is structured around the fact that his father injured his back working in a factory and that he had to keep doing physical labor afterwards for money, instead of resting to recover, until it completely destroyed his body. Now he finds himself bed-bound at 53. Louis inquires into who is responsible for this premature 'death'. After considering individual choices, he turns towards political decisions - the successive governments, left and right, who have been destroying the French welfare system for decades and accelerating inequality. The point is to step out of the neoliberal obsession with personal responsibility and who is guilty and who is a bad or good person, and look at systems.

An element that isn't focused on but hovers over the story constantly is that this village is one where the majority of the population consistently votes for the extreme right National Front party in most elections. The book is too angry and nuanced to be some stupid "it's not their fault that they're racist because they're poor!" argument. It doesn't make any excuses for how awful this is but instead illustrates how dehumanization replicates itself, how people being denied basic dignity leads to them wanting to deny it to others. If you want to really understand the rise of the far right you have to look at where the inequality comes from in the first place, and how easy it is for people in power to wash their hands of it by blaming the bigoted masses. (Just like you can blame societal ills on minorities ! Two for one strategy.)

Towards the end of the essay, the author talks about how proud his father is of his son's literary success - for a book who clearly depicts him as a horrible person ! And this is a man who has spent his life openly despising anything cultural, because it never showed him a life like his own. But maybe now he feels seen, now he knows people want to read about these things. Maybe there is a reclamation of dignity through looking at the horror head on. Maybe his son somehow slipping through the cracks of the cycle gives him more room. The man stops making racist comments, and instead asks his son about his boyfriend. Most importantly, he asks his son about the leftist politics he's engaged in. They talk about the need for a revolution.

I think what strikes me the most is this attitude of "wounded compassion" that permeates the book. What do you do when your parents are abusive but even after you grow up, you can't help but still love them, and you know they've been shaped by the system that surrounds them ? Recognizing, speaking the harm is essential. You need to find your own freedom, sense of worth, and safety. You need to dissect the mechanisms at hand so they lose at least some of their power over you. You need to find people who love and believe you. But then what? Do you dismiss your persistent feelings of affection and care for those who hurt you as a sign you're just fucked up in the head ? You could just decide to never speak to them again, and it would be justified, but is that really what is going to heal you the most? It's important to realize you have the choice. But there are no easy conclusions.

This makes me think of a passage I have just read in Aversive Democracy by Aletta Norval. The essential ethos of radical democracy, she says, is about taking responsibility for your society, even the bad parts, instead of seeing them as a foreign element you have to cleanse yourself of. It's too fucking easy for queer progressives, especially the middle class urban kind, to talk about dumb evil hicks, to turn pride into a simple morality tale, and forget that any politics that don't center the basic dignity and needs of people are just shit. The injury is to you and by you and you have a duty of care just as much as a duty of criticism. (And this is obviously not only applicable to class matters.) You can't just walk away and save your sense of moral purity. (This is not an argument that the oppressed are responsible for educating the oppressors ; it's about how privilege is not an easy simple ranking and it is too damn easy to only focus on the ways in which you are oppressed and forget the ways in which you may have more leeway.)

There is no absolute equivalence between political and family dynamics but the parallel feel very relevant somehow. Several truths can coexist at once : you needed help and it was not given. You were let down. It's important to recognize that people are responsible of how they treat each other. You need to call out what isn't ok and stand up for yourself. At the same time, there is a reason why things are like this. Making people into villains is often bad strategy (within reason!), and in the end, easy dichotomies are often an instrument of power. The horrors you have been through might have given you a very specific wisdom and grace you do not have to be afraid of ; you are not tainted by your compassion (it is very much the opposite of forced forgiveness ; it has walked through the fire of truth.)

To me these books fit into what French literature does best, sociological storytelling a la Zola or Victor Hugo - the arguments aren't new and they can come across as heavy handed, even melodramatic. But I'll argue that the viscerality is the point, how the raw experience of misery punches through any clever arguments about how exploitation persists for the greater good of society. Really worth reading if you can do so with nuance.

#edouard louis #french literature #france #queer culture #queer literature #lgbt books #bookblr #also just like the first book is a walking trigger warning in every possible direction so like careful #also the dude is literary buddies with ocean vuong and im curious to see if there are any parallels there #long post #poli sci

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some-cookie-crumbz · 3 years

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Hello 👋🏼, sorry if I’m bothering u but ever since the recent chapters of BNHA I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the Todoroki family. Not many of my friends are into this anime and I just couldn’t stop myself from sharing this with you because I need to let this out.

[SPOILER ALERT 🚨!!! IF U DONT READ THE MANGA THEN U CAN JUST IGNORE THIS]

First of all:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

(I’m still screaming as I write because the backstories RUINED me.)

Poor Touya having this horrible obsession over heroics and having his father acknowledge him but ever since his quirk started reacting against his body the whole family got negatively affected by it.

Rei and Enji wanted to stop at two kids but with Touya’s sudden disadvantage and the latter’s craving for power, Natsuo and later on Shouto was born (the youngest getting titled as the perfect heir from the moment he was born). I got torn seeing Touya’s eyes succumb to absolute madness at the birth of his younger brothers.

What scared me the most was how when it was just Touya and Fuyumi, the two hardly interacted despite being only a year apart in age. Touya claimed that ‘girls just don’t get it’ this small foreshadowing was later brought to light in the most recent chapter where he once again rejects Fuyumi’s company in favour of ranting to only Natsuo and where he disregards his own mother— another ‘girl’ that doesn’t understand his obsession passion for surpassing All Might and someone who plays along to the acts of those stronger than them. Touya saw his mother as a weak person who had no choice but to marry for the sake of her family and have custom children. Little Touya firmly believed his very existence depended on getting acknowledged my his father and defeating All Might but it sadly didn’t come true😭😭

Also..... LOOK AT THE BABIES!!!! They’re all so CUTE!!!

Chubby Fuyumi!!!

Natsuo with a running nose

And Baby Shouto with a meme like face since the day he was born🤣🤣🤣🤣

So ADORABLE!

And another thing. FUYUMI WAS EVEN YOUNGER THAN I THOUGHT TO HAVE STARTED ACTING LIKE A SECOND MOTHER TO HER BROTHERS!! Look at the way she defended Natsuo when Touya went on a rampage and tried to attack Touya! And during moments when Enji and Rei fought the two most notable heroes were Shouto and Fuyumi; the former fighting on the frontlines to face his father while the latter stood behind to once again care for her remaining family that though weren’t involved in the fight, they still needed emotional support to get through it.😭

I AM SO SORRY TO BE GETTING TO THIS SO LATE ANON BUT I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY!!!

TW: Spoilers, Brief Mention of Child Abuse (Physical, Emotional and Mental), General Fandom Wank

So, like, SO MUCH HAPPENED in those chapters and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE ALMOST ALL OF IT! There’s obviously all the things you mentioned above that were just amazing to see and learn! I know that a majority of the fandom has been absolutely livid about the reveals involving Touya being drastically different than what fandom thought they were all this time, but I think it honestly highlights how smart Horikoshi’s writing really is.

In Shoto, we see the effects of physical and mental abuse on a child, and how easily he could have ended up going down a troubling road much like Touya. Shoto’s saving grace is facing off against Deku in the Sports Festival, giving him an outside perspective and makes him realize that he can choose to be better, but that doesn’t just magically fix all of Shoto’s problems. Shoto still struggles with his feelings towards his Father and how he is perceived by simply being Endeavor’s son. We see that in the Provisional License Arc, where Shoto is so thoroughly rattled by Inasa. It’s even further pushed through how Shoto struggles with his feelings about Endeavor trying to better and whether or not he should forgive him. I feel like Shoto’s arc is incredibly strong and that his struggles are very realistic, which is why people love him so much. This whole concept is another thing I could rant about but I’m going to leave it here.

Meanwhile, with Touya, we see the effects of mental and emotional abuse on a child and how it can completely destroy them. I think people that act like Horokoshi “down played” and “ret-conned” Endeavor as a character to make him more sympathetic/ redeemable or that he’s simply writing Touya as “always being a bad seed” are missing the mark. This is, admittedly, something you see a lot when it comes to victims of abuse in the real world as well; the idea that if you weren’t physically or sexually abused on top of emotional or mental abuse, your abuse is somehow less “valid.” Now I’ve seen more voices speaking out against this mentality - which is relieving and positive - but it’s still a problem. The way Touya was abused is no less valid or scarring to himself as a person as what Shoto has been through was. Touya and Enji clearly had a deep bond as father and son. Hell, the fact that Enji is sobbing and saying he “can’t fight his own son” in regards to Touya, but clearly had less issue training Shoto until he got ill or passed out says a lot.

Touya was put on an incredibly high pedestal by Enji’s constant praise and attention. He was the apple of his father’s eye until the limitations of his Quirk were discovered. Enji had filled his head with promises and goals for what his future would be, essentially selling him what turned out to be a lie. We see Rei herself tell Enji that Touya “knows you expect something out of the kids.” Touya’s whole life up until that point was being told of all the great he would someday accomplish, and equating that to being deserving of his Father’s love, attention and affection.

And then he couldn’t live up to that expectation. And then his parents had two more kids following that revelation. The idea that Touya doesn’t realize that Natsuo and Shoto were meant to be his replacements - unbroken models that “deserved” Enji’s love - is clearly not missed by him. It’s evident in the way he looks at Natsuo after he’s born. He sees this as a sign that he is no longer deserving - no longer worthy - of love or support from the parent he absolutely adores.

We see this mostly from Enji and Rei’s perspectives, so we know the reasons they did it, but it’s clear they didn’t stop to think about the way this would be interpreted by Touya himself. This whole matter is only worsened by the fact that Enji refuses to make sacrifices for the sake of his oldest son. He pushes Touya to live a life outside of Pro Heroics while Enji himself refuses to do the same, thus setting a positive example and showing solidarity with his son. He instead pushes him away and distances himself, loses himself in focusing on Natuso and, once his Quirk turns out to not be what he wants, Shoto. Touya continues to push himself despite his limits in a desperate bid for Enji to look at him the way he used to; with pride and love.

What caused the fire that “killed” Touya? His anguish over being neglected and abandoned - left unloved - by his father yet again. It’s clear that Touya’s mental health is in need of some real focus that he has never gotten - due to both his parents negligence as well as the fact that mental health is highly stigmatized in Japanese society - and pairing that with the emotional and mental abuse he suffered at Enji’s hands broke him.

So many people are claiming Horikoshi is trying to make Enji “more redeemable”, but how do you get that? Enji abused Rei, his own wife, physically and emotionally and mentally until she had a psychotic breakdown, hurt their youngest child, and then robbed her the right to mother her children further by having her locked up in a psych ward for the next decade or so; built their oldest son, Touya, up only to then emotionally and mentally abuse him to the point he damn near killed himself in a frantic bid to garner Enji’s support only to return years later completely unhinged and looking to murder his entire family out of spite; neglected Fuyumi and Natsuo to the care of each other and hired help; alienated Shoto, his youngest son, from his siblings for his entire formative years, physically and mentally and emotionally abused him, groomed him to accomplish a task he never wanted, put him through such extensive physical training that Shoto would get sick or pass out.

Enji was a shitty father. He has a long ass road to continue walking if he ever wants redemption. The fact he didn't physically hit Touya doesn’t mean that Enji didn’t abuse his son and it doesn’t make Touya any less of a victim.

* End TodoFam Rant*

On a slightly lighter note, I also like all the information with Hawks’ past and all the parallels we’re seeing develop!

I’ve rambled briefly about this in other places the Huwumi discord but I want to expound upon this a bit more here.

I feel like Touya/ Dabi and Keigo/ Hawks are meant to be parallels to one another.

Back to back, we had proper name claims by these two characters. We had Dabi reveal his true identity as Todoroki Touya and then we have Hawks choosing to abandon his hero name to instead step up to fight as Takami Keigo.

I feel like “Dabi” was always a mask, of sorts. Dabi is typically pretty calm, cool, composed with the occasional bites of snark and cruelty. Meanwhile, we see Touya emoting and moving in a manner more akin to himself as a child, dancing about in manic delight over revealing his true identity and intentions. The pair of them are two drastically different people when you stop and look at it. “Dabi” was the mask he wore to gain ground to enact his revenge, and now that he is there? Now Touya can burn everything tethered to it down to ground.

Meanwhile, we have "Hawks” as he was forced to become as per the Hero Public Safety Commission. We had it revealed quite a while back that Hawks was a man of many faces, jumping from laid-back and chill to serious and focused quite frequently. “Hawks” is the presentation for the public and the Commission, groomed to be the perfect little canary in the mine that was Pro Heroics. The reveal of his true heritage, however, is not the killing blow Touya wanted it to be. Instead, it allows Keigo, the one who wanted to be a Hero to help people, the chance to truly dedicate himself to that. In being freed from the cage of “Hawks”, he is given the change to really soar as Keigo.

Now, I feel that “Dabi” and “Hawks” are most certainly parts of Touya and Keigo as well, respectively. Even though those titles were masks, they were masks made from parts of the men who wear them. I think what we’ll see going forward is the true elements of those masks bleeding back into the whole, and seeing the truest forms of each character.

For better or for worse.

#crumbles grumbles #half baked headcanons #Wow I haven't busted that tag out in fuckin forever #Might have to do more headcanon posts about BNHA #If any of yall wanna read me ramble about that stuff?#BNHA Spoilers

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fallen-gravity · 4 years

Text

Fightin’ Back Chapter 3

Chapter Notes: Final stretch, boys! This is the last chapter that takes place in season one before we get into the heavier themes of season two. Boyz Crazy this time, and probably the only emotional hurt/comfort chapter of the entire fic.

So, uh, this has actually been up on AO3 for a few days already, but it completely slipped my mind to post the tumblr link until now. My bad 😂

AO3

The car is uncomfortably quiet as Stan pulls away from Lookout Point. Dipper’s leaning against the passenger side door, staring into the mirror like if he stares at Wendy long enough she’ll notice and chase after them to apologize to him for snapping at him. Stan taps at the steering wheel rhythmically, just to get some sort of noise to break the tension in the air, and Dipper sighs.

It’s sad, really. The kid had been so excited to split Wendy and Robbie up before they left that he tried to insist on driving the golf cart up there himself. But he had no idea where Lookout Point even was, and Stan was sure someone was finally going to notice that the golf karts were stolen from the Northwest Golf Course, so he offered to drive him there in the car instead. And even then, the kid had been so excited he was bouncing in his seat the entire drive over. Stan’s sure he would’ve neglected the seatbelt altogether if he hadn’t reached over and clicked it into place for him. He was going on and on and on about code deceptions and the supernatural and how Robbie must’ve gotten the CD at some evil black market, or maybe he really did burn the CD himself and he’s secretly a vampire demon or something, and how that reminds him that he should “try mixing some salt into his spray bottle of holy water the next time he’s out demon hunting”, but now that everything’s over and done with and Wendy bitterly insisted she’d rather walk home than be with any of them right now, Dipper’s looking more like a sick puppy limping home with his tail tucked between his legs.

“Ah, don’t think too much into it, kid” Stan says, and Dipper finally breaks free from his mirror trance to spare him a defeated look in his eyes. “The breakup’s still fresh. I bet by this time tomorrow she’ll be all over you, swooning over how you saved her from that horrible monster”.

Dipper doesn’t respond, just raises an eyebrow at him and goes right back into staring out the window. Least they’re too far away for him to still be staring at Wendy out the rear view mirror.

“I mean it!” Stan barks a laugh. “Never got to finish that story I was telling you earlier. So after Carla ran off with that hippie, I stuck around to see how things were going with her. I was sure there was something about him that he wasn’t telling her.” He pounds at his chest with one of his fists. “And I was right! Turns out the dude’s guitar was, uh, cursed. So one day while he was sleeping I broke into his apartment and smashed the thing to pieces. After he had nothing left to show for himself, Carla came running back to me. Even drove the guy’s van into the ravine just so he couldn’t bother us again”

There’s a hint of a smile on Dipper’s face. “I don’t think I’d sink low enough to break the law, Grunkle Stan.” He pulls himself away from the window. “Plus I thought you said she hated you for doing that"

Stan taps at his head. “You gotta work on your listening skills, Dips. I said he hated me for doing that”

Dipper rolls his eyes at him, the most Dipper thing he’s done since getting back in the car to head home.

“Look, my point is, you gotta learn to look at things more positively. Maybe she wants nothing to do with you now, but tomorrow? You never know”.

Dipper flinches at the idea, but this time when he sighs it sounds more like he’s trying to calm his own nerves than like he’s trying not to cry.

Stan pulls the car up to the back of the shack and unlocks the door. He steps out, and just as he’s about to head into the house he turns heel to talk to Dipper before the kid has time to run past him up to his bedroom to mope. “How’s about we sit in the living room with a couple a’ Pitt Colas and watch a movie to forget about the whole ordeal? Your choice”

Dipper mumbles something about movie night to himself, but only responds to Stan’s offer with a shrug. “I’m not in the mood. You can go in without me. I’ll come in when I’m ready”

Yeah, okay, Stan’s not buying that for a minute. He knows by now that when Dipper starts moping, the kid isn’t gonna move for hours. It’ll be two in the morning before he decides to come in, and even later if he accidentally falls asleep.

No mention that there’s child protection laws against leaving kids in locked cars.

…and that car-eating tree monster Stan’s sure he’s read about in that first Journal.

Screw it.

Stan gets back in the car, but Dipper doesn’t so much as blink when Stan closes the door behind him. Stan’s willing to believe that it’s because Dipper assumed he went inside, and whoa, okay, whoever put the idea in the kid’s head that he’s not worth the time of day is gonna need to start answering questions fast.

He turns the keys to start the ignition, and Dipper nearly jumps out of his skin when his door clicks locked on him. “Grunkle Stan?” he asks, once he realizes the car is pulling away again. “Where are you taking me?”

“Y’got cotton in your ears? I told you before, kid, I’m taking you bowling”

“Right now? I thought you were just saying that to make me feel better”.

“I was!” Stan flashes a grin. “But I never specified that you had a choice in the matter, now did I?”

Dipper opens his mouth to argue, but before he can get so much as a word out, Stan speeds out of the driveway so quickly that Dipper’s head whacks against the headrest of his seat.

~~~~~~~

Friday nights are usually the busiest day of the week for the bowling alley, but when you know exactly the right kind of people and have just the right amount of bribe money in your pocket, you can waltz in and get any lane you want as fast as you want.

Dipper, despite all of this, doesn’t seem as thrilled about the idea of bowling as Stan is.

“Aw, c’mon, kid” Stan gently nudges him with his elbow. “I’m letting you go first! Everyone knows the person who gets to bowl first is the person you need to beat. It’s a privilege, if you ask me”

“I dunno, Grunkle Stan” he fiddles with the laces of his sneakers. “I appreciate the gesture, and all, but...I’m just not feeling up for it tonight”

Stan raises an eyebrow. “Not up for beating me at something you know you can hold over me the rest of the summer?” He scooches closer to Dipper on the bench. “Now I know something’s really wrong. This still about Wendy?”

He winces at the mention of her name like he’d just been slapped in the face, and Stan sighs.

“Look, Dips…” he pauses, trying to figure out to work around making this sound like the most awkward conversation he’s ever had with...anyone, let alone his own nephew. “Who needs women, am I right?” He raises the can of soda he’d bought from the snack bar in a toast, but Dipper only rubs at his arm awkwardly.

There’s gotta be something that’ll get Dipper to understand how many times Stan’s found himself in the exact same situation.

Well, okay, Stan knows exactly what’ll get him to understand, but if he goes around telling so much as Mabel, the kid’s dead to him.

He sighs. “Kiddo, if you repeat what I’m about to tell you, you’re dead. Not just to me, I’m talkin’ dead dead. Got it?”

That seems to be enough to catch his attention. “O-of course” he repeats, like Stan’s about to tell him the secrets to unlocking the universe. It almost makes Stan wish that his story were more interesting.

“Truth is, that story I told you about Carla ain’t exactly how it actually went”

Dipper blinks. “I…know. You told me that earlier”

“No, I mean…” Stan pinches the bridge of his nose. “I mean, none of it was true. Obviously nobody rocketed off into the sky on a rainbow, or anything, but...Carla and I hadn’t even been dating anymore”

“What?” Dipper’s voice squeaks, and Stan chuckles.

“Well, we had been dating, y’see? But she’d just broken up with me a few days ago when I decided to stop over to the Juke Joint to see if she’d wanted to talk about changing her mind” he raises his hands in defense. “I only went in to talk. Scout’s honor, or...whatever it is your sister says.” He shakes his head. “Anyway, I get in there, and that hippy really is playing his transcendental music up on this tiny stage they had there”.

He takes a hard swig of his soda like it was a shot glass. “But Carla was up there with him, y’see? She was singing to some...weird folksy song that I’d never heard of before. Didn’t even sound like she was singing in English.” He leans back on the bench, resting his hands at the back of his head as he turns his gaze to Dipper. “That’s how I knew I lost her for good. So instead of causing a scene like some kinda....jerk”, he catches himself, “I ran out into the parking lot and hotwired her new boyfriend’s van and hightailed it outta there”.

The gaze that Dipper gives him is sympathetic, but he’s also covering his hand over his mouth like he’s trying not to giggle.

“See? What’d I tell ya?” Stan flashes a grin. “You don’t need girls to show you a good time” he raises his drink towards the television screen above their bowling lane, still flashing with Dipper’s name. “You can always have a great time with your Grunkle Stan! No chance of eventual heartbreak with me”

“I know, I know…” Dipper stands to play his turn, and pretends the weight of the bowling ball doesn’t tip him over as he chucks it down the lane. The ball careens off to the side at the last second, barely even scraping the surface of the pins. “But I don’t think that’s entirely what’s bothering me” His second throw knocks down all but two pins, leaving him with a seven-ten split. The screen switches to flashing Stan’s name, and Dipper turns to him as he returns to his seat.

Now we’re getting somewhere. Stan stands, pretending to appear dismissive in case it’s something Dipper doesn’t want to admit with all eyes on him. “You tellin’ me I just told you my biggest secret for nothing?”

Dipper blushes. “N-no! That’s not what I meant”. He sighs, looking down at his hands. “I mean, Wendy’s really one of the first people to really...accept me into her friend group.” This time he’s the one waving a defensive hand in the air. “Not that I’m saying I’ve never had friends before,” he squeaks, “...but they’ve felt…forced? Since Mabel and I were in a lot of the same friend circles, it just...always felt like they liked her better than me and only let me tag along because they knew I was related to her, or something”

Wow, okay, that hits way closer to home than Stan was expecting it to. He opens his mouth to comment, but it turns out that he’s not talking.

“But in comes Wendy, and y-yeah! Maybe some of it has to do with...other things” his face is turning pink, and he’s trying to hide in his vest. “But she’s so cool to me, and it doesn’t feel at all like she’s just using me to get to Mabel. Her friends like to make babysitting jokes whenever we tag along with them, but with Wendy it feels like she really wants us to be there” He sighs, and slumps against his seat. “What if she hates me? Or never talks to me again? Or she quits working at the Mystery Shack because she doesn’t want to be around me, or-or she does keep hanging around, but it’s just like everyone at school, and she’s only there for Mabel, but she’s too cool to cause a scene and tell me to leave, and-”

“Breathe, kid” Stan’s at his side in an instant, gripping firmly onto Dipper’s arm to help him back onto his chair before he falls to the floor. “You’re gonna give yourself a panic attack.” He loosens his grip on Dipper’s arm once the color starts returning to his face. “Tell me, you really think Wendy’s the kinda person to kick you to the curb like that?”

Dipper doesn’t respond right away, but he’s taking deep breaths, which is a good sign. “No, I guess not…” he physically turns his body towards Stan to look at him, probably to prevent another dizzying spell. “But she looked so angry at me, and she grouped me together with Robbie, and she’s probably never talking to him again, I’m just….so worried I’m gonna lose the coolest friend I’ll probably ever have”.

Stan shrugs. “Trust me, bud, you do not have to worry about that. Teenagers are just like that. Y’get angry, you need to blow off steam for a few hours, but come tomorrow you’re over it like it never happened”. Stan finally goes to take his turn, lobbing the ball down the lane like it weighs little more than a penny. It slips into the gutter, but at the last second it careens back up and knocks all the pins over. He grins, pumping his arms in the air, and turns his gaze back towards Dipper. “You should’ve seen me when I was her age! I’d break a window, I’d punch a jerk in the face, and then I’d be over it”

“Grunkle Stan, you’re still like that”

“Exactly!” he boasts. “And you don’t see me holding grudges against people who don’t deserve it, do ya? You know you meant well, Dipper, and I’m sure it won’t take long for her to realize that too.”

Dipper’s playing with the edge of his vest. “I guess so”.

“There, see?” Stan gently nudges him as he sits down beside him again. “Problem solved”. He says, but backtracks a little when he remembers what Dipper had said about his anxieties around making friends. “And if you ever need any of my advice on how to talk to girls without using any creepy mind-altering CDs, I’m your guy” he flashes Dipper a thumbs up, and it makes him smile.

“Thanks, Grunkle Stan. I’ll keep that in mind”.

#gravity falls #my writing #team brawn #stan pines #dipper pines

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mochuelovelli · 4 years

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ASOUE AU? ASOUE AU. Pt 1 (Characters)

Okay so I just posted a little doodle I did for an A Series of Unfortunate Events AU that I had been thinking about ever since I realized that Esmé was obviously Magica's VA (which was 3 days ago so oop). I don't have all the characters figured out right now (mostly bc quite frankly there aren't really enough adults that act so... neglectful towards the kids in ducktales). I'll list the ones I am pretty concrete on VS the ones I'm unsure or ones that I "reimagined" due to not everyone fitting perfectly in this world.

Characters that are Definite:

Glomgold as Count Olaf: Think about it, horrible actor/cosplayer (yes thats what he is). Both obsessed about riches, revenge and are generally incompetent. Really, Olaf is much more wicked in the ASOUE series imo (bc even tho Glomgold wants to kill Scrooge and steal his money. This anger only extends his wards if he wishes to use them against Scrooge and is less keen on the murdering of kids. Notice I said LESS). Not 100% if I want him to be as...well explicit as Olaf can be at times. Especially his characterization in the Bad Beginning if you know what I mean (pst it's child marriage)

Magicia DeSpell as Esmé Squalor: Like I said, this is a no brainer. She has the stage performance of Magicia with a bit of Mark Beaks Mom (forget her name) mixed in. Probably would downplay her love for fashion and replace it with an obsession with the occult. I would also not have her be obsessed with Glomgold, its more in character for Glomgold to be obsessed with her anyhow. It is also possible bc I tend to believe she is a more compelling villian in canon that she might take the place of Glomgold on the Island in "The End". But I also plan for Scrooges Number One Dime to replace the Sugar bowl so, maybe not.

Doofus Drake as Calmanita Splats: Duh, spoiled brat who is very creepy and probably has parents that want them dead? Instead of wanting to sing all the time he mainly wants to wreak things/people. He still definitely dresses up tho into a hodgepodge of things. It always changes and Glomgold is always annoyed by this but he likes him more than Magicia. She definitely wants him dead just like Olaf in the series (she really hates kids).

Duckworth as Larry your waiter: Yeah not much competition for this role. It was either him or Launchpad. Duckworth is too perfect for this role and he honestly will play a better spy than canon Larry. If I ever write it out a lot of the "fight scenes" and anime-esque "explaining how I fooled you" dialogue will definitely be reworked but still present. I will however not keep out the main theme of neglect or ignorance with the adults, they will still fail in that regard as always but will just not literally stand there and tell Olaf "We finally caught you, now let me explain why we are so smart oh no you set something on fire again". I mean...maybe for a Mr. Poe but not the VFD. Or...SHUSH I should say but more on that later (or in another post who knows?)

Scrooge McDuck as Lemony Snicket (sorta): Okay so OBVIOUSLY we can't have our "Lemony" have the hots for the McDuck siblings mom (yes another thing I must explain oh boy). Scrooge will still be gilted in love by, of course Goldie though I am still not 100% if she should play part of the the role of Kit Snicket (again NOT related to Scrooge) or should she be someone else entirely. Scrooge is basically the reason everything is happening in this AU just like the canon Lemony but writes sad letters to Donald and Della as well as Goldie. As you might of well guessed, Scrooge's Fortune is also the riches the McDuck's have.

Fethry Duck as Dr. Monty: Of course a snake lover will become a marine lover in this AU! Also of COURSE Mitzy will play the roles of the incredibly deadly viper AND the great unknown! Fethry and Dr. Monty not being mentioned by their family but also too enthralled with their studies to care all that much (but seriously thats fucked up ducktales). Totally made for this role. As far as setting goes this will be where the siblings will be underwater first but since the series already has plently of aquatic locals I will probably swap out the Lake Lacamose story with Peru or the Galapagos. Speaking of...

Ms. Quackfaster as Aunt Josephine: For narrative purposes it would make sense that Ms. Quackfaster would lose her edge as a brave and bold woman. For what exact reason I am still trying to figure out. Not sure if I still want to keep the "Ike" storyline, maybe she just got really spooked by FOWL. Maybe some creature from the Galapagos ate her leg or something.

Ma Beagle as Dr. Orwell: This particular role was sort of hard for me to cast due to the fact that Dr. Orwell is older and romantically involved with Olaf (at least its sorta there). I really didn't want to give this role to Owlson bc other than she isn't a bad person, she is also way too young. Ma Beagle already has a similar motivation im canon to want to reclaim Duckburg as Beagleburg so the Terrible Mills plot to frame the B for causing a fire in order to have control over the mill is very in line with Ma. I originally wanted the Beagle Boys be working in the Mill but since I am changing the setting to Egypt, I decided to use the people stuck in the pyrimid (idk what they are actually called) and will either use Amulet, Launchpad or Dijin as Cookie

Characters that are Mixed with others:

Huey Duck as the Narrative Role of Violet B.: I mostly imagined(?) the kid characters in a approximation of set characters from the books/series. For this reason, Huey plays the ROLE of Violet Baudelaire so that he can take the "inventor" occupation. I went back and forth on finding who would have Violet's quirk of using an object to help her think. My mind originally went to Webby since she has a bow and I wanted Huey's obsession with the Incomplete History of Secret Organizations to take the place of his JWG. However I reworked it so that Huey's JWG would act as Violet's ribbon with him having to flip through his beat up (and slightly burnt) journal to find a quick solution or just to calm his nerves. Something that applies to all the triplets and twins is that their last names are changed to "McDuck" mostly bc it sounds better that they are later called the "McDuck Murders" instead of the "Duck Murders" as well as Scrooges edited role in the kids lives. He has a mix of Klaus' social awkwardness and habit of talking at length about his special interests to whoever will listen. Huey is also the one who gets hypnotized in the Miserable Mill ep.

Louie Duck as the Narrative Role of Sunny B.: Pretty sure I swapped Louie and Webby for this role in my first post but whatever. I wanted to confusingly change Klaus' role into a "Charmer" or "smooth talker" (obviously still a work in progress) since I felt that Huey in DuckTales canon was always well researched as well a good mechanic and having two characters who pretty much fit the same role was... redundant. I also wanted to really make Webby's Sunny much more inline with her notorious/abnormal fighting abilities. However, I realized that instead of changing Klaus' role I should just change Sunny's characterization since I would have to rework it anyways since she was a baby. I also got the idea from recently rewatching the series and saw Sunny basically trick her way out of being trapped with the Hook handed man (i.e. Fernald). I will instead make Louie's role as what he functionally is in DuckTales (the guy who can talk his way out of anything). He would probably also say his occupation is "Defense Attorney" or something along those lines. He is also the one who gets captured the most but not by much. However while he still has Sunny's sarcasm, he also has Klaus' inherit skeptism and distrust of adults.

Webby Vanderquack as the Narrative Role of Klaus B.: Like I said in Louie's segment, Webby is changed to Klaus or more accurately the "Researcher" of the group. She is often the one who stays up late, researching ways to get out of Glomgold's schemes. Unlike Klaus though, she has more of the optimism of Violet but might not put as much belief into all authority as Huey might. She still has role models that she looks up to but isn't against bending the rules. She also unfortunately takes Violet's role of becoming "Olaf's bride" in the Bad Beginning. In the story she has always lived with the McDucks but didn't take their name and still had Mrs. B (until she was around 10, she was 12ish when the fire happened). However, she is still in the McDuck Will and therefore Glomgold hatches a plan to use her to get the fortune. She also tricks him by signing her name "Vanderduck" or "McDuck" instead of Vanderquack to make the marriage null in void. She is also a mix of Sunny since she is generally the most physically capable out of the children.

Dewey Duck as the Narrative Role as Quigley Quagmire: Okay honestly after a rewatch, I don't exactly know what makes Duncan and Quigley that different from each other. I'm pretty sure Duncan is the Klaus of his siblings but whatever. Dewey mostly just 1/2 of the reveal that two people survived the fire during the Carnival segment (which is changed to an underground wrestling theme for reasons to be explained). I am fairly certain that during the last part of the Village of Fowl Devotees I want Dewey be the one left behind with Webby and Lena that way we can have more time spent with him and Weblena/ Magicia v Lena drama. Dewey's occupation would be "Comedian/Host/Actor" . He also is the one the adults ignore during the first half and will be the subject of Triplet/only child jokes that the Quagmires face.

Gosalyn Mallard as the Narrative Role of Duncan Quagmire: Okay so like, no she isn't related or adopted by the Quagmires

Lena Saberwing as the Narrative Role of Isadora Quagmire: c'mon both these kids like poetry. Literally I can think of no other DuckTales kid that likes that (other than Webby but that was more of her liking Lena's stuff). She will still have her background as Magica's niece and might take some of the role of Fernald where he gets redeemed by betraying Olaf/saving Sunny. I am unsure by what extent though as she isn't going to be a henchperson of Glomgold or Magica. It might be that she is uses morally questionable ways to get what she wants/needs. Maybe she is "good" but has to commit a terrible act similar to how the Baudelaires have to burn down the carnival.

Characters that I am uncertain about or straight up don't have someone in that role:

Violet Saberwing as the Narrative Role of Fiona Widdershins: Like Fiona, Violet was also originally distrusted by a part of the cast (in this AU, it probably be Webby and/or Louie as Huey catches feelings lol). She is also obsessed with the occult not fungus and has to save probably Louie from losing his soul or something (wip). Violet more than any of the main cast of kids will probably act more like her canon self since she is naturally straight forward and booksmart. She probably gets forced to stay with Glomgold until her and Lena can escape again. Also since I didn't want it to be another underwater local and wanted it to relate to DuckTales17 a bit more closely I thought it be better if they were in the sky. Maybe Violet got the Sun chaser or maybe even the Spear of Selene. Maybe instead of going to look for their dads (since they are dead oof) they come back at The End to tell the McDuck Siblings et all that they might of found something...or someone important.

Boyd as the Narrative Role of Friday: This is definitely more of a stretch as really he is only Friday because in role only because I want him at the Island at The End so that he can save the siblings from whatever organic incident happens since he is still an android. I previously thought he could also fit the role of Fernald since he could go through a redemption arc easier due to him sorta going through one in the show. Its not out of the realm of possibility that Glomgold could have reprogrammed him to obey him (he might still do something similar I haven't figured it out 100%).

Fenton Crackshell-Cabrera as the narrative role of Hector: He probably won't faint as much as Hector but he will have to be pushed by the kids to be confident in himself during the Vile Village (which will probably change to a Capital city since I plan to rework FOWL into this). Maybe its similar to a military academy which makes having a set of rules make sense. Its also possible that Fenton escapes with some of the kids in the Sunchaser by the end of this.

Steelbeak as the Narrative Role of Fernald Widdershins: I mainly chose him because Steelbeak and Hookhanded man both most clearly are shown to be sympathic antagonists. They are still functionally villians, much more so than any of the children like Boyd or Lena who, yeah, have done bad things but in one case wasn't given the freewill to decide for himself or was but when she decided to stand up for herself she was literally tortured and had her freedom taken away (more so than in the beginning since. Steelbeak would, like Fernald, be making a choice as an adult man to be apart of a mad man's troop and was harden enough to commit murder if it meant he could impress his boss. But because he is not related to (by blood or otherwise) any protagonist I struggle to know where to put him. I might still have him defect during the end of what would have been the Grim Grotto ep and comes back with the Saberwings at The End. Maybe he brings Gosalyn back after finding her at some point, maybe he dies somewhere towards The End. Not sure.

Gladstone/Ghost of Christmas Past/News Reporter Lady as the Narrative Role of Mr. Poe/Mr. Poes Wife: wow this one is really confusing. My reasoning behind these picks is because The News lady would be a great pick for Mr. Poe's wife or at least a substitute as she has similar motivations in DT17. The biggest set back for her tho is that she has no reason to be on the Baudelaire case (or McDuck case anyways). Ghost of Christmas past is a bit of a stretch since why the fuck would he be in charge of making sure the kids had guardians? I mainly want him just bc of his motivation (or lack thereof) to do his job and being incompetent at it. Gladstone while making some sense that he also would be uncaring about where the kids go is also a stretch given he is a relative and he while he might not care 100% about their whereabouts he wouldn't lose them like Mr. Poe would simply bc he is so damn Lucky. Its possible to work that against him, maybe in a scenerios like where he drops off the kids but gets whisked away because some rando gifts him a boat. Still unsure.

Mrs. Beakley as either the Narrative Role of Jaclyn S (Mr. Poes Secretary/VFD spy)., Olivia C. (Librarian): I want Mrs. B to have a role which fits her being experienced and competent but also met a tragic demise. I might mix the experience of JS with the fate of OC. Poor Webby.

Justice Strauss as ???: I'll be honest, I am stumped with this one. This is a very important role to fill and I can't quite find an adult character that fits the bill of Justice Strauss. Mrs. B is too smart, Launchpad studying law while ridiculous, is something inline with the show but he doesn't have a DT17 motivation similar enough to Strauss where he's desires can be exploited nor has he really want kids in the same sense as Strauss. Drake Mallard is close since he is an actor but having him work with law is a bit of a stretch, I also think that making him somewhat bumbling is an insult to his character but Strauss is tragic since she WANTS to very much be the Baudelaires guardian but fails so much. Maybe in a safer world she could have been, maybe if they were luckier. She loves them so much, but they run away where she can't find them to at least try to be there for them and is left heart broken by the end. Whoever becomes JS is in for a world of hurt and I'm sorry. Goofy could also be a replacement, maybe Max died for more angst 😬.

Goldie or Daisy as the narrative role of Kit Snicket: This kinda gets really fanfic-y as neither of these characters really fit nicely into this role. Goldie definitely has the skill of Kit and her disregard for the rules but the pregnancy thing is... something. Not entirely sure if I actually want her to be pregnant but I also want a Beatrice II type character (of course she would be named Della II) but again very fanfic-y. Daisy I am more comfortable being the one who gets pregnant, she might take Olivias role as the new VFD recruit instead of Kits more seasoned one. All I know is that if either or both outcomes exist they will die also a Dewey Deanumont(?) Character wouldn't be the father it would of course be Donald or Scrooge depending who gets pregnant.

Jacques Snicket as ???: Another mystery for me. Functionally? Maybe Manny could play this role or even Launchpad (he really is just my go to for any character idk about huh?) Whoever it is will die but wont have a romance with the Olivia character(s). Maybe its Goofy lmao.

This is quite long enough, let me know if y'all got any more ideas. I'll edit this when I can since I am tired of writing. Please comment or reblog for suggestions and the like thx u. And please...Look Away while you still can.

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phantasticworks · 4 years

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If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter One

it’s finally here, lads. buckle up, because it will be a long one. updating schedule is (tentative) weekly

read on ao3

Words: 12.1k

Summary: All his life, Dan has wanted to have the chance to be a parent someday. He would be the best parent that ever existed, he was sure of it. Fostering might not be the most traditional way on the road to parenting, but Dan's dead set on doing it anyway. But, well, it would be easier with a co-parent, right?

the self-indulgent, bed-sharing, fake relationship, friends-to-lovers, parent fic i was desperate to read; when i shouted into the void and was met with silence, i decided i'd do it myself

Warnings for this chapter: swearing, references to child abuse

If there was one thing that Dan had learned while working within the education system is that life sucked; and if you’re a kid, it seems to suck a lot more, just behind closed doors. He didn’t know if he was just jaded because he was an adult, and therefore life seemed to suck endlessly for him, or if it was because of the job he was stuck in. Being a school counselor hadn’t been exactly where he thought his career was going, but it was a job and it paid the bills, so he stayed.

That’s not to say he was unhappy with his job. Quite the opposite, actually, because if there was one thing he enjoyed, it was being useful, and helping students sort out what they wanted out of their lives felt like being useful to him. But, like every job, there were things he didn’t enjoy about it, specifically how hard it could be some days.

Today was one of those days.

A student, a sophomore girl called Charlotte, had come into his office during her study hall. He hadn’t been at all prepared for the conversation that followed.

“What’s up, Lottie? How’s band going? Did you land the flute solo in the winter showcase?” He had said cheerfully as he ushered her inside.

She shifted awkwardly in her seat, never taking her eyes off the floor, which was strange, even for a shy girl like Charlotte. “Um, yeah… Yeah, I got the solo, but I…” She begins mumbling, ducking her head down so that he can’t understand a thing she’s saying.

“Charlotte? What’s going on?” He spoke softly and encouragingly, not wanting to pressure her, but wanting her to be honest with him if there was something bothering her.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Dan studying the shaking girl for a few beats before he realized she was crying. He quickly pushed the box of tissues towards her, encouraging her to take one. “I…” She starts quietly, choked up.

“Charlotte,” he speaks gently, causing her to look up at him, her eyes red and watering. “I can’t read your mind, sweetheart. I won’t know how to help if you don’t tell me what’s going on.” He gestures to the tissues before settling back in his chair slightly. “Take your time, just know I’m here to listen.”

It’s a few agonizing moments of silence before she finally speaks. When she does, it’s not what he’s expecting in the slightest. “They’ve been hurting me.” Her voice is almost entirely inaudible, but Dan catches it in the complete silence of the room anyway, although after he processes what she’s said he wishes he hadn’t.

“Who?” he asks, swallowing around the growing lump in his throat uncomfortably as he tries desperately to hope that she doesn’t mean what he thinks she means. He had been expecting bullies in her classes, or a break up, or maybe even just bad grades. He had not been prepared for this.

“My mum’s boyfriend… and, well, I guess her too…” She trails off, but her eyes immediately snap back up to his. She rushes to clarify, “she hasn’t touched me, but she...”

Dan clears his throat, straightening up in his seat. “What does she do when he does this?” He asks gently, his voice serious.

Charlotte looks down again, her blonde hair falling over her face, before whispering, “Nothing. She does nothing.” She’s fully crying again, and he suddenly realizes she’s got a hand covering her wrist tightly. He gets a horrible, sick feeling in his stomach as he rises, moving around the desk to sit beside her.

“May I?” He asks softly, gesturing to her hand.

She studies him for a moment before nodding hesitantly. She tugs the sleeve of her shirt up slowly, and Dan suddenly feels himself go lightheaded. There are purple markings all around the wrist of her left hand, and he can tell there’s some further up her arm.

He clears his throat twice before speaking, trying to recall exactly what he needs to do. Call the police, for one. Child abuse was entirely illegal, obviously, and since she came to him with the information voluntarily he had to report it to the authorities. He hated to think about what kind of effect it would have on her, though. He’d been reading up on foster care more and more recently, as he had always wanted to do it himself, but he was sickened to think that this girl might end up in a bad home.

“We’ll have to report them to the authorities. You’ll have to tell them exactly what you’ve told me. Do you think you’ll be able to do that?” Dan asks her seriously, watching her face for any signs of regret or fear. Surprisingly, she does look frightened, but almost determined, too.

“Yes. I have to. My brother… my little brother got…” She bites her lip, which had been trembling furiously the whole time. Dan hands her another tissue and gently rubs her back in a soothing pattern. “He got hit last night. I can’t… I can’t let that happen again.”

Dan nearly chokes, his own eyes beginning to water. He had met her little brother Andrew at the beginning of this year when Charlotte had gotten in trouble for being late for school. She was walking him to the primary school just across the street since their parents had just dropped them both off at the secondary school building. When one of the teachers on duty saw this, he’d had a fit and tried to give her a detention, but Dan had stepped in and suggested that maybe they look at it from a different angle. The child had been terrified and clinging to Charlotte the whole time, thinking it was his fault that his sister was in trouble.

He was so furiously against any kind of child abuse or neglect, and the idea that her sweet little brother, who was barely six years old, had gotten hit by this man… well, it made Dan sick. He tried not to show his emotions to the girl, since he was supposed to be the mature, responsible adult in this situation.

“You’re very brave for telling me about this, Charlotte. I just want you to know that this is going to be difficult, but you did the right thing. I’m going to get Mrs. Pentland and let her know that we’ll be calling the police. Can you sit in here until I get back?” He asks the girl, rising from his seat when she nods slowly.

Just as he’s walking towards the door, she speaks up again. “Can I…” She stood up unsurely, and without her even speaking, Dan knew that she just needed a hug.

“Of course,” He said gently, wrapping his arms around her. He gently patted her head, his heart breaking as she cried in his arms. He hated this part of his job, seeing kids so young being so hurt.

“Thanks.” She whispered when she finally stepped away, rubbing under her eyes. “Really. Thank you, Mr. Howell. I don’t think I would have been able to tell anyone else.”

Again, Dan’s heart broke for her. He didn’t let her see that, instead smiling briefly and reminding her he’d be right back before stepping into the hallway to find their headmistress and let her know what had happened. He takes a minute to be fifteen again, hear the boom of his father’s voice and doors slamming, hard, before shuffling down the hall, off to do his job to the best of his ability.

~~~

When Dan finally manages to leave work that evening, he’s exhausted. The talk with the police and the case worker who had come along was long and tiring, but more so for Charlotte and her brother Andrew, he was sure. He felt awful about the whole thing, but sadly it was out of his hands. The case worker told him it was likely that they would be removed from the home and placed either with a family member or in a foster home. He tried his best to argue with her, saying that there was no way they could know if the foster home would be any better.

She subtly told him to mind his own business.

As he’s shoveling his papers into his messenger bag, his phone beeps with a text. He’s unsurprised to see that it’s from his best friend.

Phil: Mario kart marathon tonight?

Phil: I’ll buy pizza

Dan barely smiles at the message, but he’s too tired for any gaming. Pizza, however, did sound good. He texts him back before he finishes gathering his things.

Dan: raincheck on mk but dominos sounds good

Dan’s not even surprised when his phone beeps again less than a minute later.

Phil: uh oh

Phil: Rough day?

Dan: you have no idea

His phone doesn’t immediately go off again, so he finishes gathering up his things and heads out, locking the door to his office on the way. He’s unsurprised to see that Louise, the headmistress and one of his close friends, had already left for the day. She had two kids, one being a new baby, so he wasn’t surprised that she had wanted to get home to them as soon as possible. He sighs, because as usual, he’s the last person to leave. It’s almost sad, but he likes to think it’s because he just really cares about his job and not because he doesn’t have a social life.

Walking to his car, he groans when his phone begins to ring. He pulls it out as he unlocks his car and tosses his bag in, sliding the answer button when he sees who it is.

“Hey,” Phil’s quiet voice fills the line. Dan can tell he’s trying to be careful and gauge his mood, considering Domino’s was usually their comfort food when something particularly bad had happened.

“Hi,” Dan responds, slamming his door a little too harshly before starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot in one quick motion. “So, Domino’s okay with you?” he asks tentatively, unsure if Phil’s offer to hang out still stands if Mario Kart is off the table. He seriously doubted it, but he feels like he can’t blame Phil if he wants to skip out on this particular mood that he’s in.

“Of course. I’ll order it to be sent to yours and meet you there in about fifteen?” Phil sounds soft and gentle, and Dan finds himself wanting to cry all over again after the day he’s had.

“Yeah, okay. You may beat me there, I’m just leaving work.” Dan would never turn down a chance to hang out with his best friend, even if his day had been shit and he was feeling like he’d be the worst company in the world.

“Alright. Want me to set up a movie?” Phil knew him so well, he wasn’t even questioning that Dan wasn’t in the mood for video games, and just accepted that this was one of those times where Dan just needed some passive entertainment and a load of carbs.

“Yeah, something I can cry over.” He suggests, looking at his side mirror before making a turn. He doesn’t elaborate, and he knows that Phil will understand, he always does.

“Okay. See you there.” He waits for Dan to respond in a similar fashion before the line goes dead. Dan sighs, setting the phone down on his lap, chewing his lip as he drives home. His thoughts are clouded with the events of today and his chest feels entirely too heavy. He knows that if he can just have a minute to cry it out, he’ll feel better.

When he gets to his flat, he’s unsurprised to find the door unlocked, the sound of the tv greeting him as he walks through the door. “I’m home!” He calls out, so he doesn’t freak Phil out when he walks into the lounge. He drops his bag off in the dining room, tossing his jacket onto the back of one of the chairs, rolling the sleeves of his button-down shirt up as he walks up the stairs into the lounge where he assumes Phil will be.

He smiles almost against his will at the scene he finds. Phil is curled into one end of his sofa with his laptop out, probably ordering the pizza, Dan’s fuzzy blanket covering his lap, his glasses askew on his face. He’s wearing an ugly sweater that he probably thought was really cool, which Dan finds endearing, if slightly annoying. He looks up as Dan enters the room, a small smile covering his face.

“Hi,” Phil says softly, studying Dan, as if he’ll be able to tell what had happened today just by looking at him.

“Hi,” Dan mimics, walking over and dropping onto the sofa beside him. He drops his head onto the backrest, staring up at the ceiling, feeling Phil’s stare burn into him.

There’s a moment of silence before Phil decides to prompt him again. “So,” he says, lightly knocking his knee against Dan’s. “Do you want to talk about what’s got you so upset?”

Dan shakes his head slowly, his eyes not straying from the spot of ceiling he’s currently memorizing. He knows he should, and that if there’s anyone he can talk to it’s Phil, but he feels like if he opens his mouth to speak, he’ll start sobbing. He’s not sure he’ll ever stop if he does.

“Okay,” Phil says slowly, shifting. He seems to be pondering something before he taps Dan’s thigh. “Would you like some tea?”

He very nearly rolls his eyes at this suggestion; they’re so British it hurts sometimes. Instead, he shrugs. “Hot chocolate?” he requests softly, glancing over at Phil, hoping that his best friend will take sympathy on him and make him a mug.

Phil grins as he stands up. “Coming right up, with four marshmallows.”

Dan’s relieved to be left alone for a moment, watching as Phil retreats downstairs to the kitchen. It’s not like he really wanted to avoid discussing what had happened, he just felt that he needed a moment to process it in the comfort of his own home before sharing it.

He doesn’t have to wait long before Phil’s elephant feet are stomping up the stairs, two mugs of hot chocolate in his hands when he enters the lounge. He hands one to Dan before settling onto the sofa, pulling the blanket over himself before looking at Dan expectantly. “So?” he says gently.

Dan knows he isn’t about to force him to speak about it if he really doesn’t want to, but he also knows what Phil knows; it would be so much better for him to speak about it to someone, and the only person he could really confide in was right there. Still, he’s silent for a minute, swallowing hard before whispering, “I had to report a girl’s parents to the authorities for child abuse today.”

His words sit heavy in the air between them, and Dan feels as if he’s suffocating under their weight. He takes a deep, steadying breath, or tries to, at least. It comes out staggered, and he squeezes his eyes shut, refusing to cry. He hadn’t watched a sad movie yet. Dan didn’t just sit around crying for nothing, at least not with company. His mind laughs at this, supplying the idea that Phil has seen him in much worse shape before. Dan kindly asks that little voice to take a hike.

Phil clears his throat, and when Dan tilts his head to look at him, he’s surprised to find Phil looking out the window, his mouth set in a thin line. He hated the idea of child abuse as much as Dan, and Dan suddenly feels guilty about telling him. He didn’t want Phil to feel sad or guilty over it, since it wasn’t his problem. Just as he opens his mouth to apologize for bringing up such a heavy topic, he feels Phil’s hand come to land on his leg, just above his knee.

Dan’s gaze drops to his hand, and Phil squeezes gently, causing Dan’s gaze to dart up to his.

Phil smiles sadly. “I’m so sorry you had to do that, Dan. I… I can’t imagine what that must have been like.” His friend sounds so sincere, and Dan has to look away, trying to get a grip on his emotions.

“It sucked,” He whispers.

“I know.” Phil responds, squeezing his leg again. He goes to speak again, but just when he does, they hear a loud buzzer, indicating the pizza delivery guy is there. Phil releases his grip to stand and goes to buzz the guy into the building. “I’ll be right back,” he says quietly before taking his wallet and going downstairs to get the pizza and pay the delivery guy.

Dan sighs before rising to go change out of his work clothes. He was already beginning to feel uncomfortable in the stiff-collared shirt that he was wearing. Unbuttoning it as he trudges down the stairs, he’s a little too lost in his head to realize that Phil is turning the corner with the pizza boxes before they nearly run into each other.

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” Dan mumbles, going to steady the boxes in Phil’s hand. He had ordered pizza and chicken nuggets, as well as cookies. He must have predicted how bad Dan’s day had been while they were on the phone, which Dan is grateful for.

“It’s fine. Go change, I’ll grab us something to drink.” Phil glances down at Dan’s hands, which are still undoing buttons, and Dan flushes when he realizes that he’s basically just walking around stripping. He avoids Phil’s eyes as he ducks into his bedroom to get his pajamas on. He reminds himself that Phil has seen him shirtless, they used to live together, after all. That had been so long ago, it seemed.

Back when Dan was contemplating dropping out of uni and Phil convinced him to switch majors instead. His family hadn’t been thrilled of course, but Dan knew that if it hadn’t been for Phil, he wouldn’t have finished university at all. Or finished anything at all, for that matter.

Dan had been in an incredibly bad place for years when Phil came into his life, and the raven-haired dork would probably never realize how drastically he had changed Dan’s entire life. But after living together for about three years, Dan had moved into his own place. Although it hadn’t been life-altering in terms of their friendship, things had been really weird and hard to adjust to at first, although Dan definitely didn’t regret it now. He had gotten a fairly good deal on his current flat, and they lived close enough they saw each other nearly every day anyway, just like best friends do.

By the time Dan manages to get into his pajamas and work himself out of his thoughts and up the stairs, Phil has already got their plates out and drinks poured. Dan smiles tiredly as he drops to the sofa beside him, tugging the chicken nugget box towards him and tearing the lid off, making Phil roll his eyes.

“I cannot believe you still do that.” His voice is light and teasing, which Dan thinks is good for while they’re having dinner. He can’t handle heavy conversation while he’s trying to eat.

Shrugging, Dan nods to the tv. “What’re we watching? Did you pick out something good and sad?” He tries to joke, but his voice sounds flat, even to his own ears.

Phil shrugs, studiously avoiding Dan’s gaze as he organizes their fair array of dips on the coffee table. “You can pick something else if you aren’t up for it.” He shrugs again.

Slightly suspicious but not enough to be alarmed, Dan tosses the trash from the boxes he’s ripped apart to the side, looking at Phil again. “Is it The Notebook?” When Phil shakes his head, Dan shrugs and turns to the dips, peeling off the lids. “Then it’s fine.”

After a moment, Phil sighs and grabs the remote, pressing play, causing the previous screensaver to change to the movie he’d picked. Dan almost chokes when he realizes what it is, but he shrugs when Phil looks at him in concern. “This is fine. I like this movie.” His lip curls up into a small smile, but he knows his dimple isn’t showing.

“We can change it. I wasn’t thinking about- I didn’t realize what had happened today, Dan. I seriously don’t mind if you want to change it.” His best friend shifts on the sofa, trying to catch Dan’s gaze.

“It’s fine. I haven’t seen this in a while, and it’s a good movie. Sandra’s a good actress, even if she looks weird as a blonde.” He tries to crack a joke, but Phil doesn’t react.

After a few minutes where Dan is actively avoiding looking at Phil as Phil does nothing but stare at him, he hears the older man sigh, before pressing play, allowing the movie to begin.

Dan glances at the tv, then at Phil, sending him a small smile, assuring him that he’s fine. Phil smiles back, although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Dan knows his friend is just worried about him, but he feels that just avoiding how he feels about what happened will just be counterproductive. At least, that’s probably what his therapist would say.

So instead of digging himself into a hole of sadness and guilt, he sits back with his plate of delicious food on his sofa with his best friend and tries to enjoy The Blind Side in all its glory.

~~~

An hour later, and Dan is slightly reconsidering his earlier thoughts. The food is long gone by now, so Dan is left with nothing to distract himself with from the emotional aspects of the movie. He had already teared up at the scene where Michael said he had never had a bed, and now his eyes were threatening to spill over again as the graduation scene is happening.

Phil has noticed, and while he tries not to be so obviously worried, at one point he pulled Dan’s legs into his lap, which Dan has to admit does help slightly, if only because the physical contact tethers him to something real and tangible in this world. Dan tries not to sniffle too loudly, but he’s not sure how well he’s doing, given Phil is shooting him glances every few minutes.

Graciously, Phil allows him to cry in quiet, but he crushes any hopes that Dan had that he hadn’t full noticed when he hands him the box of tissues that Dan keeps on the end table beside Phil.

“Thanks,” he whispers wetly.

This time, Phil doesn’t even bother pretending he’s paying attention to the tv, keeping his sole focus on Dan. “Are you okay?” He asks softly, one arm coming up on the back of the sofa while the other rests across Dan’s calves.

Dan nods too quickly, and Phil tilts his head at him in disbelief. Sighing, Dan tilts his head to rest against the back of the sofa and studies a thread coming out at the top while he ponders over Phil’s question. “I want to foster.” He announces quietly.

Phil’s eyebrows furrow at this, and he glances at the tv. The movie is coming to an end, so he apparently decides it’s fine to put the sound on mute for this conversation. “Like you want to be a foster parent?” Phil asks for clarification, studying Dan in that careful, attentive way that he has.

Dan wraps a clean tissue around his index finger as he nods, still avoiding long periods of eye contact with Phil. “Yeah. I want to help kids who don’t have anyone. I just… I get so mad at them, Phil.” He seethes, steadily becoming more emotional and enraged as he just thinks about Charlotte’s situation, and others like hers. She certainly wasn’t the first person who had come to Dan about something like this, but she was the first who he hadn’t expected, as he had seen no warning signs prior to that.

Phil rubs circles onto Dan’s calves, seemingly without noticing it, his eyes focused on Dan’s face. “Mad at who, Dan?” Phil asks, his expression slightly confused.

“The parents, Phil. All these shitty fucking parents who don’t know how to take care of their kids. I could do so much better than them. I just… I feel like I’m not doing enough with the career I’ve got. I want to do something, you know? I want to make an impact in someone’s life.” Dan is slightly aware of the way he’s basically rambling at this point, but he isn’t quite sure where to stop.

Phil looks unsure as he speaks. “Dan, you have an impact on the lives of all the kids you work with.” He hesitates before his eyes drift to his hands, on Dan’s legs. “You’ve had an impact on mine,” He says softly. Dan isn’t sure he heard him right, so he moves on.

“That doesn’t count.” He thinks he sees a flash of hurt on Phil’s face before it’s quickly covered up by a look of concern. “I know that what I’m doing at the school isn’t, like, a total waste of time, but I just… I just want to do more. I want…” he takes a deep breath before continuing. “I want to be able to be someone’s parent because I want to be the kind of good parent that mine never were.” His voice is near inaudible by the end of that, but he knows Phil has heard by the way his face falls, a soft look coming over his features.

“Oh, Dan.” He sighs, shifting closer to Dan so that the younger boy is nearly in his lap, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. Dan hadn’t realized how desperately he needed that hug until he feels Phil breathe, and then feels as his hand comes up to stroke his back soothingly.

And then, Dan’s crying, just like he figured he would tonight. It had been a long time since he’d been held this way, but Phil was his best friend in the whole world, and so if anyone was going to be there for this slight meltdown, he was glad it was Phil. His best friend gently rubs his back with one hand, the other petting his hair. Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s torso in response, openly sobbing at this point.

Dan isn’t sure how long they sit like that, with Phil whispering that everything would be okay, before he finally realizes how gross he feels, gently disentangling himself from Phil, putting some space between them as he wipes at his eyes. “Thanks,” Dan says wetly. “I think-” he pauses, his eyes widening as his attention suddenly drawn to the stain on Phil’s jumper from his snot and tears. He brings his own sleeve up to his nose, wiping away the snot he’s embarrassed to realize has collected there. He can’t help but make a face, waving the sleeve as if that’ll clean it off. “Er- sorry about your jumper,” he mumbles.

“It’s fine. I know you think this one’s ugly anyway. Probably did that on purpose, if I had to guess.” Phil jokes quietly, causing Dan to laugh before gently shoving Phil in retaliation.

“Nope, you have no proof of that.” Dan shrugs innocently.

Phil quirks an eyebrow before gesturing to the jumper to indicate that it is the evidence, and Dan only shrugs in response.

They sit in silence for a few moments before Dan finally speaks up again. “I think… I think tomorrow I’m going to call a fostering agency.” He says softly, looking down at his hands.

Phil looks at him, nodding slowly. “Yeah?” He prods gently, waiting to see if Dan would elaborate.

He does. “Yeah. I’ve… Well, I’ve actually looked into a few already, but I’m going to call one tomorrow and see if I can get the process started. I read that it can take up to six months, and I really want to do this.” He chews his lip before speaking again, glancing up at Phil timidly. “You’ll, like, still hang out, right? Like, this won’t completely destroy our friendship if I do this?” He asks, worrying his lip as he waits for an answer.

Phil frowns. “Of course, it won’t. Dan, if you want to do this, I support you. I’ll be there to help you, whatever you need. Okay?” He ducks his head to catch Dan’s gaze.

Dan nods slowly, smiling tiredly. “Thanks, Phil.” He glances at the tv, which has long since turned off due to inactivity. He checks his phone on the table next, surprised to see that it’s already pretty late, and he’s had a long day. “I think I’m gonna head to bed. Are you staying over?”

Phil checks his own phone, shaking his head. “Nah, I’ve gotta be at work kinda early tomorrow, don’t wanna wake up even earlier to get home and get ready.” He stands up, glancing down at Dan. “Unless you need me to stay?” He studies Dan intently, his blue eyes searching for any hint of uncertainty.

Dan shakes his head quickly before standing as well, clearing the coffee table. “No, it’s fine. I’m fine. Just needed a cry, I guess.” He shrugs casually before nodding to the table. “Mind helping out before you leave?”

Phil nods, bending to collect the dishes they used while Dan gathers up their trash. Phil heads downstairs to the kitchen to drop off the dishes while Dan tosses the trash into the bin. After washing his hands, he finds Phil already by the door, tugging his shoes on. Dan holds his keys out for him, smiling when Phil studies him with a frown on his face, clearly worried.

“I’m fine, Phil. I promise. Just had a bad day, that’s all. And we watched a freaking sad movie. But I’m fine.” Dan pushes the keys into Phil’s hand before opening the door for him since he’d have to lock it behind him. Although Phil had a key, Dan always preferred to do it himself, so he knew for sure it was locked. He was paranoid like that sometimes.

Phil seems to take a moment to consider what Dan said before stepping through the door. He turns back around to say goodbye and catches Dan slightly off guard when he pulls him into a hug. Neither of them had anything against showing physical affection, as being best friends for nearly ten years definitely did that for a person. Still, it wasn’t often that they hugged each other goodbye.

The surprise doesn’t stop there, however, as before Phil steps away, he brings his lips up to Dan’s forehead, pressing them lightly against his hairline, so briefly that Dan would almost think he’d imagined it, if it weren’t for the unmistakable feeling of lips against his skin. “Night, Dan. Call me if you need anything.” And with that, Phil is off, down the hall and out of sight before Dan can even close the door.

After locking it and setting the alarm, he stumbles to bed in a daze, his head swirling with a million different thoughts. The loudest of which, shouting Phil just kissed you! On the forehead, but he kissed you! The thought isn’t entirely unwelcome, as he’s still processing the oddity that that level of affection between them was. With that thought, others begin flooding his mind, most of them flashbacks to a different time, nearly ten years ago, an October full of first meetings and uncertainty and flirty banter and warm smiles.

While that time seemed so far away now, this evening’s events were causing a whole barrage of memories long since buried in Dan’s mind to resurface. He tosses and turns in bed, struggling to find a good, safe place to let his thoughts drift to as he tries to sleep. One thing is certain, though. After all that thinking, Dan goes to sleep that night with thoughts of blue eyes and Ferris wheel rides swirling in his head.

~~~

The next day is a Thursday, and Dan is nearly bursting with nervousness as he settles into his office for the day. He’s already checked with Louise about Charlotte’s situation, but she didn’t know much. They were informed that Charlotte and her brother wouldn’t be in school for a few days, but that was it. It was incredibly ineffective to yank the children out of their routine, Dan thought, but it wasn’t like he had any real control now. It was entirely up to the case workers and the system now.

He sighs as he sorts his paperwork out on his desk, fishing out the things he’d need today for the few meetings he had, as well as a black journal that he had been keeping all the information he’d found about fostering. There wasn’t much to do at the moment, given he had about an hour before his first meeting of the day, so he decided to go through and pick a foster company to start the process with.

After scanning the websites of the three companies he had on his list, he eventually decides to go with one called Bridge the Gap, partially because they had earlier office hours than the others, but also because he liked the layout and design of their website. Leave it to him to be nerdy enough to consider graphic design when going into a situation like this. He double checks that his door is firmly shut before dialing the number on his cellphone, his stomach twisting with nerves.

The phone rings twice before a cheery voice picks up. “Bridge the Gap Foster Care, this is Kacey, how can I direct your call?”

Dan stumbles with his response, as he hadn’t expected such a prompt and efficient person to pick up the call. “Uh, yeah. I need to speak with a case worker about fostering? Er- I’d like to start, I mean, and so… Yeah.” He finishes lamely, clenching his eyes shut in frustration at how totally unprepared he feels.

The girl on the other end just laughs good-naturedly. “Then you’re in the right place. Give me just a second, and I’ll put you through to one of our caseworkers.” Dan responds with an affirmative, and then the sound of soft music begins playing. He perks up when he recognizes the tune as Clair de Lune. Just from that, he decides that he’s made the right decision. He begins doodling on the large calendar on his desk, a dog, and then a cat, followed by little stick children. He stops when he realizes he’d unintentionally drawn two children, a boy and a girl, beside a little figure of himself.

The wait isn’t too long, and before he knows it, the music is drifting away, and another voice is speaking. “Good morning, sir, I was told you were interested in speaking to someone about becoming a foster carer?” The voice is Irish, which takes Dan aback for a second, as the other girl had been incredibly posh.

“Er- yes. My name is Daniel Howell and I read on the website that this was the best way to get started?” He doesn’t mean to make it sound like a question, but it absolutely sounds that way. He has to remind himself to stop worrying so much about how he sounds. This person doesn’t know him yet, no need to freak out any more than he already is.

“Well, hello, Daniel, my name is Hazel Hayes, and I’m glad you called. It definitely helps to get the process started over phone rather than in person, so we have time to gather paperwork and things like that. So, have you done any research on foster care yet? Or are you calling to get more information?” Her voice is friendly but serious, as if she’s done this long enough to gauge that it’s usually one of the two options.

“I’ve actually done my research this time,” Dan laughs softly. “I’ve always felt pretty strongly about wanting to do this, and I’m not exactly getting any younger.”

Hazel laughs good-naturedly with him, and he hears the sound of papers shuffling as if he’s on speaker. His anxiety spikes slightly at the thought before getting over it. This person doesn’t know him, it’s ridiculous to be paranoid about his voice. “Right, right. Well, normally I like to ask a few questions, and sort of go from there seeing if you qualify to start the process. Is that alright with you?”

Dan nods before realizing she can’t see him. “Yes, that’s fine.” He sits back in his seat slightly, crossing one ankle over his other leg. Might as well get comfortable if he’s about to be interrogated.

“Right, so how old are you, Mr. Howell?” Hazel sounds friendly but business-like, and he wonders briefly how much she has seen in her line of work. She sounds happy and nice but working in the foster system had to have its downfalls.

“I’m twenty-seven.” He responds, glancing around his office absently. He needs to get some photos or something to put in here, he realizes as he studies his sparse desk. He’s got motivational posters and some bookshelves in this room, but it’s fairly impersonal otherwise. The only picture he does have is a selfie of himself and Phil from a holiday they took to Japan a few years back, and that’s attached to his filing cabinet with a magnet.

He tunes back into the conversation when Hazel asks another question. He barely catches the humming sound she makes when he tells her his age, but he’s more prepared for the next question. “Are you employed, Mr. Howell? And if so, could you give me a range of your income?”

“I am. I work as a guidance counselor at Queensbury Secondary School,” he pauses before responding with his salary, which admittedly wasn’t too impressive, but it was enough for him. Hazel makes a similar noise as she had before, which is beginning to make him slightly nervous.

“Right… Okay, a little different now, but how would you say your support system is? Do you have family, perhaps some close friends who would be available for support within the home?” Hazel questions, sounding almost as if she’s bringing the questioning to an end. He was surprised, as he had expected something fairly different during this call.

“Oh, um. My family’s in Reading, actually.” He hesitates, unsure if this is really something she needs to know. “And I’m pretty introverted generally, so uh, I’ve got a couple of friends who would probably be my support system, I guess.” He hates how hesitant he sounds, but he’s unprepared for this kind of question entirely.

“Well, Mr. Howell,” Hazel begins, sounding like she’s about to deliver some sort of unfortunate noise.

Dan can’t stand the anxiety he feels, and he cuts her off. “Call me Dan, please.” He feels as if she’s about to dash his hopes, he’d like to be addressed by his first name.

“Dan, I want to be honest with you.” Hazel suddenly sounds far less happy, and more tired now, as if she’s drained. “It’s hard to find good foster parents these days, you probably realize this if you’ve researched it. That said, there are certain… qualities, I suppose you could say, that generally ensure that a potential foster carer will be more likely to be approved.”

This sounds a lot like one of those speeches where someone is let down gently, but Dan wants the cold, hard facts, not bad news wrapped up in a pretty bow to distract from the fact that it’s still bad news. “I’m not sure I follow. From everything I read, there wasn’t much you could get disqualified for. Sexual orientation, religion, even the factor about employment didn’t appear to be a problem.” He feels as if he’s jumping the gun with how defensive he sounds, but he honestly can’t help it. He’s wanted this for so long, it wasn’t fair that it could just be taken away so quickly.

Hazel sighs as if she expected this to be his reaction. “I understand, and that’s not quite what I’m saying.”

There’s a pause, and Dan drops his leg, leaning forward to prop his elbows on his desk, one hand holding the phone up to his ear while he places his chin in the other. “Well, please, feel free to elaborate.” He says almost bitterly.

“The factors you mentioned don’t disqualify someone, you’re right. And I’m not saying you are disqualified, but there are factors that can make getting approved harder, and I wouldn’t want to allow you to start this process with false expectations.” She pauses as if she’s waiting for him to process before she continues. “The fact that you’re quite young, by our standards at least, is something to consider. The age is twenty-one and up, but generally the people who get approved the fastest are people who are around thirty or older. Another huge factor is support. This isn’t like fostering puppies, Dan. You will have a child’s life in your hands, and it’s crucial to have a healthy support system around you in order to make sure that you are able to take care of the child to the best of your ability.”

Dan is reeling, as this feels an awful lot like a rejection. His thoughts are racing, stumbling for something, anything that can fix this. Hazel’s talking again before he can think of anything to intervene with.

“And the fact that you’re single, well… We don’t discriminate on the basis of relationship status, but typically couples who decide to foster are generally approved easier than singles, simply because of the fact that two parents allow for more reprieve and a better support system for the child…”

Dan’s sure Hazel keeps talking, but he’s stuck on what she said about him being single. He knows she’s right, but she hadn’t asked, and he hadn’t said any different. His conscience is screaming at him not to do what he’s thinking of doing, but he shoves that little voice in a drawer in his mind, blocking it out. He thinks it’s a shot in the dark, sure, but he did have someone who had promised to support him and do anything he could to help…

“Wait, wait. Sorry, there must have been a misunderstanding. I’m not single.” He interrupts Hazel’s train of thought, his heart now racing as he waits for a reaction. His stomach churns uncomfortably, and he tries to tell himself it’s just the waiting for her response, not because he feels guilty about lying.

“Oh. You aren’t?” Hazel sounds slightly surprised, and he almost feels offended.

“No.” He says slowly and easily, trying to force himself into sounding as casual and natural as possible.

“My apologizes, I just assumed- since you didn’t say anything when I asked about your support system-“ Before she can get much further, he interrupts her yet again.

“Well, yes, but you didn’t ask specifically about partners. It’s my bad, really, I think I just misinterpreted the question.” He lies easily, almost too easily, but he’s relieved that she doesn’t seem to notice.

“Oh, that’s great. Not that it would have been impossible to foster otherwise, but you sound like you’ve done your research, and we really need more people who truly care about doing this for the greater good. And I know that sometimes there are just setbacks for people who aren’t… well, anyway. I assume this means you’ll be fostering together?” She asks, her cheer restored in her voice as she speaks.

Dan shakes his head, surprised at himself for what he’s about to do. At least the little voice in his head has finally shut up. “Yes, we will. My, uh, fiancé, and I will be co-fostering.”

“Lovely. Well, the next step in the process is to attend an information meeting here at the center. I can email you about dates and times, and you and your fiancé can decide on something and just let me know.” The sound of typing fills the line, and Dan can only assume that she’s pulling up her email. After telling her his address, she takes a moment before responding. “Okay! That’s sorted, so you should see an email soon. Thank you for calling, Dan, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon! Have a great day!”

Dan responds slightly less enthusiastically before dropping his cell phone to his desk, following it with his head. He gently bangs his head on the smooth surface several times before there’s a knock on his door. “It’s open,” he calls out, trying to settle his expression and his feelings with a sigh as he sits up to greet his guest.

Louise ducks her head in, a smile on her face. “Ready for the meeting at nine?” She asks in that happy, motherly way she has when she’s trying to keep him organized and on schedule. He nods tiredly rubbing a hand down his face, but she must assume it’s because of yesterday’s events, and not due to the fact that he just destroyed his life over the phone. “Good. The boy’s parents should be here then, and we’ll call him in from class to discuss the scholarship and everything in my office.” She smiles once again before giving him a look. “It’ll be okay, Daniel, I promise.”

Dan tries to smile back at her, nodding. “I know, Lou. I know.” He watches as she pulls the door shut as she leaves, before dropping his head back to his desk. After allowing himself a few moments of self-pity, he picks up his phone, deciding to go ahead and face the inevitable. Dialing Phil’s number feels a little like walking towards the edge of a cliff to his imminent death, and he selfishly hopes that he doesn’t answer.

Sadly, whatever gods or beings that control his life aren’t so graceful. Phil answers after the third ring. “Hey, Dan. Are you alright?” Phil asks immediately after answering.

Dan clenches his eyes shut, seriously regretting the situation he’s gotten himself in. Who the hell does something this stupid? Him, apparently. “Er, not exactly. Do you have a minute?” Dan props his head up with the hand that’s holding the phone, laying heavily on it. He briefly hopes that he somehow manages to hang up on him with his face, but he knows they need to have this conversation after what Dan just did.

“Uh, yeah, give me a minute.” He hears Phil say something to his coworkers, probably excusing himself to go talk somewhere in private. Dan’s grateful for this, as he’s probably going to want to yell after he hears what Dan did this time. “Alright, what’s up? You sound really weird and it’s freaking me out.” The worry in Phil’s voice is clear, and Dan tries to cling to that as he tries to gather his courage to speak. Phil cares about him, he can’t do anything too drastic after he hears this… Right?

“Well, you see… Something super funny happened, actually…” Dan begins, hoping that if he presents it as a funny little thing, Phil will be less mad. “So, I called the foster company like I said I would, right? Well…”

~~~

Unfortunately, presenting his mistake as a comedy had not had the desired effect. If anything, it makes it worse.

“You did what?” Phil’s voice is loud, overwhelming the phone’s mic so it sends an inhuman wall of noise through the line. Dan cringes, his finger tracing over the keys on his keyboard as he lets Phil get his anger out. “Daniel, that’s- is that illegal or something? Lying to someone like that?”

Dan shrugs before remembering Phil isn’t there. “I dunno, Phil. It’s not like I asked her if it was illegal to lie about being engaged to someone.” He snaps. He had no right to be angry, and he knew that, but he never fully knew how to act when Phil was angry, as it didn’t happen very often.

“Fuck.” Phil swears quietly, and Dan’s eyes widen slightly. Phil normally didn’t swear too much, so this was surely a testament to how mad he really was. “Well do you think you’ll just tell her you were lying, or say that you broke up or something?”

“What? No! Phil, I can’t. She basically said I didn’t have a real chance at fostering if I didn’t have this. This could be the only way I get to do this.” Dan sits up straighter, swallowing hard.

“So, what are you suggesting? That you just keep lying to her? Seriously, Dan? What about when they do the information meetings? Or better yet, when they do the home inspections? What then?” Phil demands. Dan can almost see him pacing, as he tends to do that when he’s seriously frustrated. Dan almost feels bad for calling him at work, but he knew if he waited it would just drive him crazy.

“No…” He says slowly in regard to what Phil had said. He takes a deep breath, trying to steel himself for what he’s about to ask of his best friend. Although Dan knew deep down that their friendship had survived much worse, he felt that this was something he couldn’t really compare to the situations they’d been in before.

“Then what, Dan?” Phil’s voice sounds almost suspicious, as if he knows that Dan has a solution, and he knows already that he isn’t going to like it.

“You said you would be there for me, right?” Dan says slowly. He glances over at the only picture he had in his office, an old one of photo-Phil smiling broadly over his shoulder. They had been through loads together. Surely, they could survive this together, too. That thought in his mind, he just blurts it out. “I need you to be my fiancé.”

The line is completely silent for several moments. Dan almost thinks the call had failed, but when he pulls his phone away to check, it’s fine. He hesitantly brings it back to his ear, waiting.

Finally, after what seems like hours, Phil’s voice returns. “What?” He whispers.

“Phil, please. I just need you to pretend, okay? Please. I don’t- we both know I don’t have any other friends I can ask. And you said-“ Dan almost continues, but Phil’s voice stops him.

“Stop. Okay? Just stop. I’m at work, Daniel. I know you probably felt like you couldn’t just let this wait, but I’m working. Okay? This is something we need to discuss in person.” Phil stops there, but Dan can tell he isn’t finished, so he just waits quietly until Phil has gathered his thoughts. “You can’t just drop something like this on me and expect me to just agree to it. Just because you fucked up doesn’t mean you can drag me into it too.”

That hurts, but Dan knows he deserves it, even though he also knows Phil will likely apologize for saying it later. “Okay.” He whispers back, nodding his head as he stares down at the little stick figures he had drawn earlier.

The line is quiet for a few more minutes before Phil sighs deeply. “I’ll see you after work, yeah? Just… Give me some time, okay?

“Okay.” Dan says again. He’s not sure when things had ever been less okay.

“I get off at five today, I’ll come by, so we can talk.” Phil hesitates before speaking again. “Just… don’t do anything else until we talk, alright?”

“Alright.” Dan responds. “I’ll see you later, Phil.” Before he hangs up, he repeats Phil’s name. When he hears a hum of acknowledgement, he continues. “I’m really sorry.”

Phil sighs before answering. “I know, Dan. I’ll see you later.”

The call disconnects with a beep and Dan feels the guilt settle in, making its way right under his skin, making him feel filthy with it.

After checking the time and realizing he’s about to be late to the meeting, he quickly shoves his personal life to the back of his mind and struggles to force himself into his work life. There was no good that could come out of getting the two all mixed up, and Dan didn’t intend to be one of those people who made that mistake. So instead, he shook himself and tried to put on a smile to go congratulate the parents of a child who had earned himself a full-ride scholarship to a great university. At least some people in the world weren’t messing up their lives.

~~~

Several hours later, Dan is pacing his lounge nervously as he waits for Phil to get there. He’s not sure if he’s nervous to see Phil’s anger, rather than just hear it on the phone, or if he’s just nervous that Phil might refuse to pretend to be his fiancé for the sake of his foster care situation. Probably a mixture of both.

He jumps a little when he hears a key being shoved into the lock downstairs before he reminds himself that Phil has a key. He forces himself to wait in the lounge instead of meeting him at the door, feeling like that last few moments of distance between them will be better.

“Dan?” Phil calls out as Dan hears him taking his shoes off.

“Upstairs!” Dan answers. He’s trying desperately not to look like a nervous wreck, but he knows he does. He’s wearing his Game of Thrones pajama sweats and a t-shirt, but he suddenly feels like he should have just left his work clothes on. He feels too vulnerable like this, despite the fact Phil had seen him in basically every state of dress and undress.

It’s too late for a wardrobe change, though, because Phil comes up the stairs then, pausing when he sees Dan pacing around in front of the large windows. He appraises him for a moment before raising an eyebrow. “You look like roadkill, mate.” Phil deadpans, dropping onto the sofa, his eyes not leaving Dan’s.

Dan only nods, swallowing the lump building in his throat. He absolutely would not cry. Crying would just be stupid and senseless. He had to be strong, because that’s the kind of thing adults do. They own up to their mistakes and deal with the consequences, even if they suck.

Phil studies Dan for a second before sighing, patting the cushion beside him. “C’mere.”

Dan shuffles over unsurely, sitting down where he’s facing Phil, although he refuses to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry. I know I should have asked first, or just not lied period, but I can’t un-lie.” His gaze shifts to the painting he keeps on the cabinet behind the sofa, and he stares at it just to give himself something to do. “I know that doesn’t like, make it better, or whatever. But I am sorry, and I know I fucked up.”

There’s a silence before Phil finally speaks. “I’m not mad anymore.” He whispers softly. Dan’s eyes tentatively shift to meet striking blue ones, and he’s surprised to see that there’s no anger left there. “I was seething at first, sure. You lied to someone about being in a serious relationship, and that’s bad enough, but then you just… Just asked me to do it, as if that’s something you just ask someone.”

Dan tries to make a joke. “I mean… You kind of do ask someone to marry you… This is kind of like that.” He tries to smile, but Phil just stares at him.

“This isn’t real.” He says immediately. Dan’s surprised at how much hearing that hurts, but he shrugs and looks away. It’s not like Phil was wrong. It wasn’t real.

Wait…

“You said ‘this isn’t real’ like you meant it was happening.” Dan is struggling to catch up with the tale he had spun just that morning. “I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do, Phil. If this is going to make things weird, or like if it makes you uncomfortable, we don’t-“

Phil cuts him off then, sighing. “Dan, we both know I wouldn’t have agreed to it if I wasn’t sure I knew I could handle it. Besides, we’ve known each other for ten years. It’s not like either of us have much of a life outside of our friendship anyway.” His sentence is punctuated with a bitter laugh, and Dan can’t help but feel bad, as if he’s the one really holding Phil back from having relationships outside of their friendship. But that would be crazy, because it wasn’t like Dan was standing in his way.

“Yeah…” He studies his hands for a moment before looking up into blue eyes. His words are caught in his throat as Phil just looks at him with a sort of soft, fond look. He looked tired, probably due to the stress that Dan’s terrible announcement of the situation had caused this morning. Even with as angry as he probably was still feeling, he still looked at Dan like there was something to be seen. Like Phil actually liked what he saw, even.

Dan shakes the thought away. He had never had the guts to feel the way he felt about his best friend. He certainly didn’t have the guts now, not when it wasn’t even real. But still, Dan allows himself to feel entirely grateful for the way Phil is handling the situation. The whole thing could have gone in a very different direction, but luckily, Phil was pretty much the best person in the world, and Dan wouldn’t have wanted to be stuck in this situation with anyone else.

“We’ll have to figure a few things out, you know.” Phil says quietly a moment later, thoroughly breaking the spell Dan had been under, stuck in his own head.

“What sort of things?” Dan asks, shifting on the couch so he can tuck his legs under him. This gives him some extra height, and he props his elbow up on the backrest of the couch, dropping his chin onto his hand to look down at Phil.

“Well, for one, if we’re going to do this, we need to work out a convincing backstory. How we met, who proposed to who, all that. Also, might need to get some rings.” He holds up his bare left hand and wags his ring finger around. “If I’m going to be your arm candy, I’m going to require some decent costuming.” His lips quirk into a smirk at the surprise on Dan’s face.

“Oh. Right.” Dan allows his gaze to follow Phil’s hand as it drops back into his lap, and when he realizes that he’s practically staring at his best friend’s crotch, his eyes quickly flit away, his cheeks heating up. “Well, I figure we stay as close to the truth as possible. We don’t change anything other than throwing in a convincing proposal story. We’ve lived together before, so we already know all of each other’s worst habits, which will make it much easier to act like a couple.” Dan shrugs.

Phil shifts, licking his lips before speaking. Dan tries very hard not to follow that movement, but his eyes betray him. “About that, actually. You do realize that they’ll do home visits, right? And if we’re fully doing this, I’ll seriously have to co-foster with you, Dan.”

The truth hadn’t been put quite so bluntly yet, and it wasn’t until Phil said it that Dan fully realized just what he had gotten his best friend into. Not only had he asked him to pretend to be in a long-term, committed relationship with himself, but by doing all this he was also asking Phil to agree to be a parent. They’d have to sign the papers together and seriously commit to becoming foster parents as a unit.

“Did you think about this at all, Dan?” Phil is squinting at him, looking miles away and far too close all at once.

Dan suddenly feels nauseous as thoughts of Phil feeding a baby or teaching a little boy how to ride a bike, or even arguing with a teenage girl cycle through his mind, each of them making him dizzy. Not because he didn’t like to imagine himself co-parenting with Phil; actually, quite the opposite. This future that he’s basically throwing himself into looks so good, and he feels like he might throw up with the thought that it wouldn’t actually be real.

His current existential crisis comes to a screeching halt as he remembers Charlotte. He isn’t doing this for himself or to satisfy some twisted fantasy he might’ve had ten years ago about having a family with Phil. He was doing this because he wanted to help kids like Charlotte, who didn’t have a family that gave a damn. Throwing every other thought out of his head helps him get a grip on what he thinks he’s feeling. It’s nothing other than some old memories and dreams that never came to be, and never would, either. Fixating on it now wouldn’t help him, or the kids he truly wanted to help.

Dan doesn’t realize how much he’d tuned out until he tunes back in and finds Phil’s hand on his thigh, squeezing gently, his eyes wide with worry. “Are you alright? You looked sick. Are you… are you regretting this already?” Phil asks softly.

Shaking his head, Dan gives him an uneasy smile that probably does nothing to convince Phil that he’s alright. “No, no. Of course not. I wouldn’t have asked anyone else to do this, you know that, right? That may sound weird, but you’re the only person I think I could have trusted with this.” Phil nods, uncertain but the worry on his face softens. “I guess I just feel a little guilty. I get that I’m asking more than just “hey, pretend to be engaged to me!” I’m literally asking you to step into a parenting role, which is something I didn’t even really consider when I asked in the first place.”

Phil nods slowly. “Yeah… You know that’s why I sort of freaked out earlier. It wasn’t because of what you asked, exactly.” He hesitates then, looking away from Dan. “It was mostly just the implications behind what you asked that made me a little… uneasy.”

“I know.” Dan nods, picking at the skin around his nails. “I realize that, now. If you…” He takes a deep breath before offering Phil an out. “If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. I don’t want you to feel like I’ll be mad if you don’t. I really want this, but that doesn’t mean you do.” Dan laughs without humor. “Hell, I really don’t even know if you even want kids, let alone if you’re ready to start being a parent now.”

There’s a beat of silence where both men seem to be lost in their own thoughts before Phil speaks again. “I don’t think anyone is ever really ready to be a parent, you know? I think they all just jump into it at some point, but I don’t think the majority of parents are ever fully ready.” He shrugs then. “And I’m probably not ready either, but I know I want to do this with you. I know how much this means to you, and I know I’d hate myself later if I didn’t at least try.”

Dan almost tears up, but instead he laughs, shoving Phil gently. “You already sound like a parent, all wise and stuff.” They both laugh quietly before the silence resumes. “Thank you,” Dan whispers.

Phil glances up at him, quirking an eyebrow. “You’re welcome. But I’m not just doing this for you. I’ve always said I wanted to foster if I could. You’re just giving me a good excuse to do it.” Phil grins, and Dan rolls his eyes. He figured they’d had enough serious conversation for one night. They still had a few things to work out, but he was starving right now, so he figured that could wait until after they eat something.

“Right.” He stands up to go fetch his laptop, so they can order something. After the day they’d had, he figured they deserved to be lazy and eat takeaway. “Do you want Indian or Chinese tonight?” He asks as he pulls his MacBook off the desk across the lounge.

“Chinese sounds good, actually.” Phil responds, reaching over to grab the remote before turning the tv on. They were so comfortable in each other’s homes that it was almost comical.

A few minutes later Dan places their usual order before closing his laptop and putting it back where he got it. “Do you wanna talk about some of the stuff we need to work out before the food gets here?” He asks, suddenly feeling slightly awkward. He feels that his awkwardness is justified, however, seeing as it’s not every day you find yourself fake engaged to your best friend.

Phil nods, putting the remote beside him on the couch without selecting a show to watch. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. And then we can just lay around being lazy for the rest of the night.” He smiles at Dan.

Dan returns to his earlier seat beside Phil, nodding at his plan. “Are you staying over tonight?” He asks. He almost wishes Phil would say no so he could have some space to process all this, but then he feels bad because it’s actually been a couple weeks since they’d slept over at each other’s flats.

Phil nods, pulling the blanket from off the back of the couch where Dan had left it last night. “Might as well. Er- unless you don’t want me to?” He asks, glancing at Dan with slightly pink cheeks.

Shaking his head, Dan shoves Phil lightly. “You know I like having you around. Of course, I want you to stay.” He rolls his eyes at the absurdity of Phil suggesting otherwise. The thought of him sleeping over prompts a different thought, however. “Speaking of that, though.” He almost blushes when Phil looks at him in question, but they probably both realized that this was going to come up. “We’re going to need to live together.”

The surprise that briefly crosses Phil’s face is quickly followed by understanding. “Oh, yeah. I kind of just glossed over that part in my panic, I think.” He brings a hand up to rub awkwardly at the back of his neck, his eyes avoiding Dan’s.

“Well, it’s not like we’ve never lived together. It’s just been like, what, three years? Four?” Dan honestly doesn’t remember how long it had been since they moved out of their last shared apartment and into separate ones, but he knew it’d been at least a couple years. Honestly besides the fact that they no longer lived together full-time, not much had changed. They still saw each other basically every day, and they often spent the night at each other’s flats. Yet somehow, they still weren’t sick of each other.

“Four.” Phil responds distractedly. “You know, my lease is actually up in about three months.” He says nonchalantly.

Dan smiles at this. It would make things much easier, especially since the approval process could take up to six months. If Phil was going to have to either renew his own lease or move soon, this was basically perfect timing. “Well, you know mine’s not up for another two years.” Dan responds in the same nonchalant fashion that Phil had.

It has the desired effect, and Phil laughs. “So, I guess that means I’ll be moving in here?” He asks, leaning his head on the back of the sofa and tilting to face Dan. The way the light now falls across his face is a little too perfect, and Dan mentally curses him for managing to look so effortlessly brilliant. That’s a thought he can totally have about his best friend, right?

“Well, I mean, if you want. We could always just go with yours or into a new one, but I figure my flat’s pretty big as it is. I have the spare bedroom and that other room I have as an office but don’t really use. I think it could work.” Dan nods, trying to act like he isn’t as excited as he is about the prospect of them moving in together again. Putting the whole situation aside, he really did miss living with his best friend sometimes, even when he did annoying shit like leaving the cupboards open.

“I think that’s a great idea. I’ve always liked your flat better than mine, anyway.” Phil shrugs as if it’s common knowledge, but Dan is honestly a little shocked. Phil must notice this, because he rolls his eyes. “Come on, Dan. I always prefer to come over here instead of us staying at mine.”

Dan pouts slightly at the way Phil implies it’s so obvious. “I just thought maybe you didn’t want to tidy up, so you just thought it was easier to come here.” That earns him an elbow to the ribs, but he just laughs. “Alright, well if that’s sorted. We can start moving your things in whenever you want to.” Another thought occurs to him then, and he blushes. “Er- when we get approved and we get a child placed with us, we’ll probably have to share a bedroom.” He feels awkward suggesting it, but he knows it’s true.

Phil shrugs as if this doesn’t bother him nearly as much as it bothers Dan. “I figured. I hope you don’t steal blankets as bad as you used to.”

The comment is quick and just a general observation by someone who was close enough to Dan to have platonically shared a bed with him enough to know that sort of thing, but Dan still feels a blush crawling up his neck. Phil knew him so well, but sometimes the fact that he knew little domestic details like that still managed to surprise him.

“I do not do that. I don’t really think I ever did.” Dan offers lamely in his own defense.

Phil shrugs, staring at the tv as it cycles through different Netflix options. “Say what you want, Howell, but when we start sleeping together the truth will come out.”

Dan’s about to make a sarcastic comment, but the sound indicating that the take away guy is there is enough to make him think better of it, instead heading to the buzzer to let him in. “I’ll be right back. Do you want Ribena or some wine?” Dan asks as he grabs his wallet from where he’d left it earlier.

“Ribena, please.” Phil laughs as he allows himself to sink further down on the sofa. “I have to work tomorrow, and I don’t exactly feel like getting wine drunk tonight.”

Dan rolls his eyes but finds himself unable to stop grinning as he goes to collect the takeaway. “Boring,” he teases.

Phil sits up a little, before nodding to the staircase. “Want me to help carry everything back up?”

Shrugging, Dan gestures for Phil to follow him downstairs, where the delivery man is probably tempted to just leave. He goes to open the door with Phil by his side, double checking that the cash he had was enough to cover the food and a tip.

“Here you go,” the boy says, holding the food out. Phil reaches for it as Dan finishes counting the money before handing it over. The delivery boy looks a little surprised at first but smiles as he tucks the tip money into his pocket. “Thank you! You guys have a good night and enjoy your meal!”

Just as Dan goes shut the door, Phil calls out, “Thanks, you too!”

The door closes with a click and Dan turns around, giving Phil a look, raising his eyebrows when Phil doesn’t seem to catch on. “Phil,” he says slowly.

“What?” He asks, already halfway up the staircase.

Dan rolls his eyes as he follows. “You said “You too” to him,” he explains, exasperated.

Phil glances back at him before giggling. “No, I- you! He knew what I meant!”

“You should never be allowed to speak to anyone, ever.” Dan can only shake his head at his best friend.

“Oh, thank god, I won’t have to talk to you anymore!”

#phanfiction #phanfic #phandom #if you don't love me pretend #iydlmp #fluff #angst #parent!au #foster parent #references to child abuse #swearing #school counselor!dan #bbc producer!phil #parent!phan

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meta-squash · 4 years

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This is something I’ve been thinking about re: Mickey in 3x06 but I can’t really figure out how to write it out as a fic so I’m just going to write it as a meta.

Most of season 2 is Ian and Mickey properly becoming something like actual friends. Very slowly, since Mickey’s guard is still up like crazy. They’re fucking but they barely seem to know each other. Mickey working at the Kash And Grab changes that up a little, but he’s there pretty briefly because juvie. It’s not really obvious in the scene whether Mickey pussies out of killing Frank because of Ian or because of the prospect of, like, actually killing another person, but I like to imagine it’s because of Ian. Which makes some sort of sense because by the time he gets out at the beginning of season 3, it seems he’s done at least a little bit of thinking and has chilled out a little, in that he’s surprisingly okay with the jealousy he feels later on re: Ned. I think season 2 Mickey probably would have freaked out again at the fact that he was even jealous. Season 3 Mickey is just plain jealous, and even if that internalized homophobia is still sort of there, it’s not like it was before. Anyway, in early season 3 the friendship continues to develop since Mickey’s back at the Kash And Grab and then it speeds right the hell up when Mickey gets jealous of Ned. Mickey’s jealous, he acts jealous, but when Ian shows pretty obvious preference towards him instead of Ned I think he kind of starts to make an internal decision. Then there’s the kiss, obviously, and by then they’ve been fucking for a while and I think Mickey has, to some extent, admitted to himself that he’s actually gay. Because it seems like for most of seasons 1 and 2 he’s really holding on to the “just a warm mouth” type mentality that he tells Ian, trying to convince himself that Ian’s just easy and that’s why he does it, same as Angie being easy or whatever.

So that kiss is one boundary crossed, one pretty big change in Mickey’s mentality. One internal decision made. And throughout this whole thing, Mickey has been his usual thug self, talking shit, making threats, being a menace, etc etc. He kinda smooths out when it’s just him and Ian (like in the dugout and stuff) but he’s still got his guard up.

But then there’s the conversation in the Kash And Grab, when Mickey invites Ian over. First of all, I’m pretty sure it’s the first time Mickey has said the word “gay” so casually, without using it as an insult/threat or it being something he’s freaking out about. So that’s interesting. Also, he’s obviously a little guarded when inviting Ian over, but not freaking out, and not in a way that makes him insult Ian, which is new (and the “fuck you is what you’re invited to” doesn’t count because I feel like that’s a pretty standard Mickey response no matter what).

So basically what all this is leading up to is the night of 3x06, which I think is unique in its own right even without being followed up by the morning.

Because Ian sleeping over, alone in the Gallagher house without Mandy, or Mickey’s brothers, or Terry, or anybody, is essentially the first time the two of them have been safely, privately together, like ever. The dugout is pretty much the only other time and that was still basically in public. So not only is this their first time hanging out alone, it’s also one of the only times we ever get to see Mickey being a Teenager. Like, Ian does teenager shit, goofs off with his siblings, reacts to things like a teenager would. Mickey, up until now, has been all anxiety and violence. This is the first moment we see Mickey with his guard down, Mickey acting his actual age, which is like 17. This is the first time we see Mickey relaxed and genuinely laughing. The first time we see Mickey in a situation that is just so normal and teenager-y, watching a movie with your friend while eating pizza rolls on the couch, hanging out.

We don’t know how the rest of their night went, but the fact that Mickey is comfortable enough to bring out and display the ben-wa beads is pretty telling. I mean, obviously more fucking happened that night, duh. But also to go from being as guarded as Mickey was, to (barely) stepping over the boundary of kissing, to the relaxed Mickey we see in 3x06, I get the impression that whatever interactions they had that night put Mickey at ease. I doubt there was much heart-to-heart talking, or if there was it would be entirely one-sided because Ian’s a talker, not Mickey (at least in s3). Maybe it was sex in a private, somewhat safe and comfortable place, maybe it was hanging out alone and really kind of getting to connect on a level that wasn’t public, maybe it was getting to let his guard down and act a teenager, maybe it was something else, who knows. That glance between them as the movie starts makes me think there was probably some movie theater-style making out. In any case, this sleepover is the night that Mickey really gets to be a teenager, to be kind of a “regular kid” without the concerns and anxieties and things he usually has. Probably another threshold crossed, another level of Mickey accepting himself and all that.

And then it’s all ruined. Which is a scene that is horrible and fucked up and we all know it so I’m not going to go over it because obviously it’s hugely traumatizing for them. But it’s interesting the way that Ian reacts to the rape vs Mickey, in that Mickey’s walls go right back up (as expected) and we basically don’t get that guard-down Mickey again until the end of season 4 when he’s living on Ian’s floor. But Ian interacts with Mickey in this odd way, similar to how he talked to him in season 2, like he wants the walls to be down, and if he just talks enough he can force them down. Which kind of worked before, in a way. But this time it just kind of shoves it in Mickey’s face that he should never have let his guard down, that he’s fucked, that there’s this new trauma he doesn’t want to think about. Ian reacts like a teenager, kind of making this about him and what he wants, talking to Mickey’s brick wall. Mickey, on the other hand, pulls back into the acting-older-than-he-is shield of violence and silence. For good reason, obviously. It’s like Ian doesn’t quite understand what happened, the significance and intensity of it all. Mickey absolutely knows what happened to him.

What I find fascinating is that in the scene before the wedding, Ian somehow manages to hit the nail on the head while simultaneously missing the point completely. Mickey kisses Ian, they fuck, so it’s a pretty clear sign that Mickey’s feelings are still there (there’s even the “it’s just a piece of paper” line). Mickey quite literally tells him, “why you acting like I got a choice in this” and Ian responds with a line that should be him realizing the reasons Mickey has no choice: “Your dad is an evil, psychotic prick.” To Ian, that’s an excuse to NOT go through with it. To Mickey (and the audience), it’s the reason he HAS to.

And here’s the moment we see Ian’s family upbringing vs Mickey’s, and how different the Gallaghers have it despite their fucked up life:

“You’re just gonna let him ruin your life.”

“You need to grow the fuck up. Don’t act like you know a thing about my dad. Not everybody just gets to blurt out how they fucking feel every minute.”

It seems like Ian is seeing the rape as a one-time thing, as some crazy over-the-top reaction from Terry. He’s probably comparing Terry to Frank. Frank’s a bastard, but his assholery extends mostly to scams and insults and neglect, not actual physical violence towards his kids (minus the one time he slapped Ian). So Ian’s thinking of Terry as the same level of threatening as Frank, or maybe just a notch or two higher, rather than leaps and bounds more awful. Which I don’t quite understand considering the whole plotline with Terry also raping Mandy in s2. Ian understands that Terry is fucked up, but I think the “don’t act like you know a thing about my dad” line isn’t necessarily Mickey backing up his father in any way. In fact, I think it’s the opposite. I think it’s a “you have no idea how far he might go” sort of thing. And then the following line about blurting out feelings is just another signal that Ian misses completely. Ian grew up getting hugs and conversation and always had Lip or Fiona to turn to and talk out his feelings at least to some extent. He grew up in a household very giving when it comes to feelings. Mickey’s the exact opposite. So him even saying anything hinting that he wants to blurt out any feelings at all is pretty much him waving a big flag saying “I’m scared and everything’s fucked and I can’t actually say it because that might literally get me killed but I still have feelings for you.” But Ian has never been good at subtlety so it makes sense he doesn’t catch that.

So you have Mickey, who barely even got to be a teenager, stuck in this situation, traumatized and forced to live with that trauma on so many literal levels. He has to live with the emotional trauma, but he also has to live with Terry and Svetlana, two constant reminders. And no one else knows what happened. So he closes off again because it’s the only way to survive. Back to the walls he had in the early days. And you have Ian, who despite having been there, doesn’t get it and reacts like the teenager that he is.

There’s also the fact that Ian running away and disappearing means Mickey has the distance to worry and think and realize that he’s pretty fucking gone for Ian, so by the time he’s going out looking for him in 4x07, he’s dressing up and putting on cologne. The Milkovich siblings are loyal to a fault when they love someone, and so once Ian’s back for good, it’s like that distance really made Mickey make a decision. I mean, he quite literally sleeps on Ian’s floor like a loyal dog. Even after that, Ian’s making teenager decisions (manic ones, but still teenager-y) while Mickey is now actually legally an adult (I think? Thank you Shameless writers for being very flexible with ages and timelines) and is suddenly the stable one all the way up to the end of season 5.

Basically it’s just so interesting to think what would have happened had the morning of 3x06 not occurred and Mickey was able to have that night really being a teenager. How would their relationship have progressed had Mickey’s guard stayed down, had he been more relaxed around Ian after that? I’m sure he’d have still been Thug Mickey around Ian in public, but maybe in a different way, quieter, all posturing. Something like that.

Instead, Ian gets to be a kind of teenager, while Mickey is kind of stuck in various adult roles (whether he’s anxiously putting up more of an act like the early days or actually stepping into it like season 4 and 5). And the one night he does get to be a teenager is ruined by trauma.

#meta #shameless us #shameless meta #mickey milkovich #ian gallagher #shameless us meta #gallavich #also this is for another post but #i really want to know what happened between s4 and s5 that mickey went from barely being able to hold or look at yevgeny #to being so cute with him and hold him/almost offering to change him etc #because i think 'repressing-trauma' mickey wouldn't have done that ever ever #he'd have retreated to not interacting with the kid or only doing so if svetlana commanded/threatened him #some conversation or something must have happened to help him be able to hold and look at and actually love his kid

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felixneal · 5 years

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*breathes heavily into the mic* hi everyone i’m beezus & i’m seriously so excited to be back !!! ready to cause a ruckus again !!! i’m dumb ‘cause i deleted my old intro so had to rewrite this sorry if it’s....meh? i tried to give felix some more depth so he’s not just a bully...still a bully but now he’s a proud father continue reading for more info

「 shawn mendes. cismale. 」have you seen felix neal around yet? i hear he decided to be in POTENTAS for their JUNIOR year as a BUSINESS major. the 21 year old SHEEP is known to be assertive, passionate, abrasive and possessive.

i don’t remember where he was born it’s only been a month or two since i’ve played him but my brain is the size of a squirrels so we’ll say he’s from california ? born & raised there by two politician parents. his family has worked in politics for a few generations & they are very very rich from it

felix is an only child & grew up spoiled. he doesn’t know how it feels to struggle & probably never will, he gets everything he asks for, his father pays all his bills & he’s had a credit card since he was like 12

he’s always had issues with his anger. i think he was diagnosed with something ( i don't wanna say anything specific yet because i wanna do research & see what fits him best ) from a young age but his parents neglected it & just soothed his temper with gifts. they weren’t present in his life. for the most part he was raised by his aunt but she unfortunately passed away when he was a teenager & he hasn’t had anyone steering him in the right direction since...now that i think about it he really should be on some sort of medication but hmm he’s not

it’s not that his parent’s don’t care for him because they do !! he’s their son & they love him. they want the best for him & that’s why they sent him to school & they keep him on his feet....they just aren’t emotionally present & that’s the biggest problem

he’s always been rude & entitled. a bully through & through...would push kids on the playground, steal their toys, one time he held a girl down & farted on her :/ in high school he was a stereotypical jock & bullied kids like he was fcking living in the 80′s...giving wedgies & swirlies i hate him

TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH: ok ok nooooow the bad part so his first two years at lockwood were fine he wasn’t well liked but he had a solid group of friends, a girlfriend, he attended every party & everyone knew him !! in relationships he’s always been the jealous type, possessive, & obsessive. he craves attention & when he has it he doesn’t wanna let that person go & would do anything to keep them. he was at a party toward the beginning of his sophomore year with his girlfriend at the time saige ( *winks at james* ) & some guy started hitting on her...long story short is escalated really quickly because once felix gets started its really hard to stop him & he ended up beating this guy to a pulp & the guy died in the hospital later that night ( willing to give the guy a name if anyone wants a connection with him could be messy ). because the other guy threw the first punch & felix’s family is rich with only the best lawyers they were able to claim self defense....obviously he wasn’t innocent though so he got sentenced 8 months in jail & he just got out recently. they wouldn’t have let him come back to school but his family probably donates a lot of money & because of that they were able to convince the school to take him

during the time he was in jail his family did a really good job of covering it up in the media so only people at lockwood know what actually happened & the people who were at the party got to see it first hand...ngl it was scary & possibly a little traumatizing to watch especially when people tried to pull him off & he kept swinging like a fcking gorilla

ANYWAys he’s out of jail now & still adjusting to life...he’s missed a lot but he’s definitely changed a lot? is he still a jerk? hell yeah...he’ll never not be a complete asshole that’s just his personality at this point. but is he trying to get better every day?...kinda. he does actually regret what happened & he understands that it was wrong. he had a lot of time to think on it, he got to see a therapist while he was there, i’m sure the guys in there were tougher & stronger than him & that was a wake up call in itself

he got a lot buffer in jail it was a mix from not having anything to do besides working out & wanting to be able to defend himself better. he was buff before, he looked athletic from playing sports, but now he’s bulky & only wears fcking...tank tops that show off his arms & nipples

he goes to therapy now which has been good for him !! he still has a lot he needs to work on...he’s very aggressive & gets triggered easily but is able to hold himself back in most scenarios....no doubt that he’ll still fight every single person here if he’s given the chance but he’s actually trying not to. he’s a bit traumatized from his time in jail, he’s just now getting the help he needs & is learning how to communicate more with his family...it’s a slow process he’s a big mess & lemme just say none of what he’s struggling with justifies his actions but at least there’s some reasoning behind them

his parents got him a dog & they actually registered the dog as an emotional support animal so he’s able to take her on trips & stuff !! her name is mr worldwide !! yea....he named her after pitbull but she’s actually a pug & his fave pass time is smushing her face...he’s like a mother & mr worldwide is his child he would kill for her lmao i imagine him walking across campus holding her under his arm like how you would carry a book or something just because he doesn’t realize...that’s not how you’re suppose to...i hate him

he likes to push buttons because he feels like if the other person starts the fight it’s not actually his fault...a horrible mentality to have but it makes him feel better about himself? he’s rude, hard to get along with, has a lot of stereotypical douchey white boy traits like thinking women are always wrong, being stubborn, selfish, entitled, cocky...the list goes on

i think this is all i can squeeze out for now...i’m 100% on board to keep any past plots/connections/fights or whatever i’ve had with people ( he's been back for a few months ) !! i really want to develop him as a character more this time around so i’m hopefully giving him some substance rather than just...him being an annoying asshole ya know ? so prepare yourself for some possible apologies ?

#violence tw #death tw #wshedintro

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creepygamerpasta · 5 years

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My Defense of Dear Evan Hansen

Okay, disclaimer: I wasn’t really into Dear Evan Hansen, so I don’t know the musical itself all too well (except of course, like everyone, “Sincerely, Me”). I recently read the novel of it (which was written by the creators, so I think the only difference is the fact that the prose doesn’t rhyme). I’m not a “day-one, die-hard fan,” and I do not have an obsession with it. That being said, I enjoyed the novel a lot. It’s not usually a genre I read, but it certainly piqued my interest for YA mental health novels.

Why, then, do people hate it?

I’ve looked online for this answer, and I’ve been able to find some recurring arguments, which are quite valid even if you don’t agree. (Not everyone has to like the same things, I know.) So, here are my responses and counter-arguments. (Note, contains spoilers, and I won’t necessarily outright disagree with everything.)

1. The fanbase is annoying, toxic, etc.

This is probably the easiest to get out of the way. Yes, there will always be people within a fanbase whose entire lives revolve around their fandom. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; who can fault you for being passionate about something? But it’s when that passion turns into hate or putting someone else’s tastes or general completely down because that person doesn’t like exactly what the fan likes when people get really angry. I’ll use an unrelated scenario to DEH as an example:

Person A: Do you like Taylor Swift?

Me: Eh, I’m not really into her music. I’m more into metal and stuff.

Person A: Oh, okay, cool. :)

Person B: OMG WTF stop being a HATER. Metal SUCKS. You’re just JEALOUS that she has TALENT.

...See? This is the same sort of reactions that people get, not just from DEH fans but from all sorts of fans. (I’ve gotten both of these exact reactions from various fans of different singers, actors, celebrities, movies, TV shows, etc.)

2. The musical is not that great, as in the scores and stuff.

I don’t see why this particularly angers people. I see this more as an evolution of the types of music in musicals. Maybe there’s something I’m missing here, but musicals exist for people to want to see them. And if the target audience is the younger generation, then it does not make sense to use music that most of them A) won’t like and B) won’t understand. I mean, Hamilton is known for its use of rap, (dare I say) “nontraditional” music in the theatre world. And people like it.

Which brings me to the next point...

3. Young people (who obviously cannot have appreciation for true theatre) will expect musicals like Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen to become the norm and for there to be a “big” musical every year.

...okay? So? Look, if people want to go to a musical, then they’ll go. If they want to go to another musical, then they’ll go to that one. It’s not rocket science. And as for this sometimes-unspoken assumption that young people can’t understand/appreciate theatre... Last time I checked, there were still theatre kids in schools across the country, so at least some people can.

And now, we go to the part of the defense where I rely more on the novel.

4. The main character (Evan) is neither compelling nor a good person, and thus, should not be the main character (and, by extension, the entire musical should not exist).

In the book, it is made very clear that Evan is not a perfect character. He’s a human being and has flaws just like everyone. His whole “pretending to be Connor’s friend thing” is less a manipulative move and more of “wrong place, wrong time, and I don’t know how to explain.” Though he’s supposed to be relatable, you are not expected to like him. Other characters question his motives for The Connor Project and his relationship to Connor, but with the first person, inner-thoughts, deepest-darkest-secrets style that the book has, it is very clear that Evan is (in his complex way) trying to help the Murphys with their loss. He does get a bit carried away, probably without realizing it, but even though he did not mean to hurt them, the guilt of his lies eats away at him the entire book.

Evan admits to lying, in person at the Murhpys. He knows that even though his longtime crush and now girlfriend (he even describes her as his soulmate and wants to marry her) will hate him, not to mention her parents, he cannot keep lying to them.

I think one of the problems with DEH specific to this problem is the hype about Evan himself. As the audience, we want to paint Evan as a hero. Descriptions put him in that light. He does overcome a lot through the novel and goes through quite a bit of change, but he is not the flawless hero (or the one-flaw antihero) people want him to be. He is a human being, and I think fans and haters forget this or overlook this, despite it being such an important part of the novel/musical.

5. DEH makes fun of mental illness and doesn’t take it seriously. It falsely portrays people with depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, etc.

This grinds a lot of my gears. Mental illnesses are different for everyone. Is there some assumption people have that I’m not aware of? The assumption that people actually think that everyone who has anxiety or is suicidal will act exactly like Evan and Connor? It might not match up with every individual’s experience/struggle with a mental illness, but that’s kind of one of the themes of DEH: that people have different lives, different struggles, different baggage, and different ways of coping, healthy or unhealthy. Everyone has a different story, and no one should be left to deal while feeling alone. Pay attention to those around you.

The lighter-hearted music seems to also make people perceive DEH to be making fun of/not taking mental health seriously. Which is ridiculous. There are some serious songs in that soundtrack, and the upbeat “Sincerely, Me” is supposed to be from fake personas. Connor’s persona in that song is supposed to be feeling better as days go by with the help of his “friend” Evan. So, yes, it makes sense that would be cheerful because it is not from the perspective of the real Connor. If it were, the song would probably be a lot darker.

6. The musical is homophobic and makes fun of the LGBT+ community.

If you were to walk into an elementary, middle, or high school right now and overhear every conversation, I gaurantee you, gaurantee you, that some students would be using “gay” as some sort of put-down or otherwise make fun of LGBT+ people. That doesn’t mean it’s right or acceptable, but having two high school guys (or really one, seeing as how Evan does not go along with the joke) make remarks about two (supposedly) close guys being gay is not something new. This complaint probably mainly comes from the line in “Sincerely, Me” in which Connor’s and Evan’s personas deny being close for anything other than friendship. And honestly? As a member of the LGBT+ community, this confusion comes up a lot. Whether you are out or not, closeness between friends is often interpreted as a romantic or sexual relationship, which of course is not the case.

Last time I checked, there wasn’t anything hateful toward the LGBT+ community. Jared’s jokes, while horribly sexual and inappropriate, were just immature. His jokes are essentially the high school equivalent of “That’s what she said.” I mean, who doesn’t know someone like that in their life? If I’m wrong, feel free to correct me.

Oh, and also? It is revealed in the novel that Connor did in fact have a relationship with a guy, Miguel.

7. People talk about the relatability of the musical without actually relating.

Okay, yes, annoying, but I don’t see why people should immediately fault this. You do not know the experiences or thoughts of people online and on social media, but this means that you can’t judge whether or not they do relate to something. The first thing that comes to mind with the word “relatable” when it comes to this musical would, of course, be mental health. Since the most notable characters both struggle with mental illnesses, it makes sense that you would expect the people who relate to this musical to also struggle with mental illness(es). But there is no law that everyone who relates to a character has to be exactly like that character.

I’ll use another example from a different work, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. (Quick little note: Frankenstein is the scientist, not the creature. The Creature is actually quite complex and a deep character that is not the mindless monster from movies.)

Frankenstein: wealthy, a genius, comes from a high(ish) class, (presumably) handsome

Creature: neglected, hated for his ugliness, abandoned by Frankenstein, feared, smart

I doubt anyone was stitched together from dead bodies and then somehow reanimated. But you might relate to the fact that the Creature was abandoned or that people fear and hate him because of his looks. I also doubt that anyone has figured out the secret to reanimating dead bodies after taking them apart and stitching them together. But you might also (or solely) relate to Frankenstein because he lost his mother or because he feels responsible for a family member’s death. Those are some examples.

And there are plenty of characters that you could relate to or aspects of characters that speak to you. Maybe you’ve built a tangle of lies like Evan without meaning to, or maybe you have gone through a hard divorce and try so hard to get through to your child without success like Heidi, or maybe you really care about making a difference and don’t feel like the people who are supposed to help you take that seriously like Alana.

That about wraps it up. If I’ve missed anything, feel free to tell me, and I’ll make a follow-up post.

Again, I’m not demanding that you agree with me, but hopefully, whether a fan or critic, you have now seen a different perspective.

#dear evan hansen #evan hansen #connor murphy #musicals #spoilers #please reply

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thechronicliar · 5 years

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Here are my Sterek stories that I wanted to write, but as I said a little while ago, I just won’t be. Basically under the cut is a detailed outline or description of what the story would have been like and if anyone wants to take it, go right ahead. But if you wanna know more, you can always send me an ask or something of the like. I’ll post the two chapter story outlines/what I have written later. This is just a few shorts that I had planned to finish, but obviously didn’t.

Stories include Derek deciding that he should just have a pack of dogs instead of trying to deal with a bunch of hormonal teenagers, Stiles getting cursed where his imagination changes the world around him to some degree, and more.

1. Marking Your Territory, or what I like to call “I licked it so it is mine” mentality.

Personally, I just thought it would be funny for Stiles to try to put claim on Derek and in the most stupid way possible.

Some of what I had written:

Researching about werewolves was easy. Figuring out what information was actually useful and not used for some half-baked fanfiction was a whole other matter. In fact, Stiles was almost certain that this current piece of information was completely and utterly horse shit, but that didn’t stop him from scurrying down the halls to where he knew Derek was with Erica, Boyd, Isaac, and some other werewolf that came here seeking something. Honestly, Stiles wasn’t listening to what the woman was talking about. He was too busy staring at how close she was standing to Derek and how interested Derek was in what she was talking about. There was no hint of his trademark, patent pending, “Grr” face.

By the time Stiles came to his senses to try and listen, Derek was already suggesting to take her back to his place with his pack to listen to help her out. He couldn’t even get to voice his disapproval before Scott was dragging him back to his jeep. It didn’t take longer than the second for Scott to step out of the jeep before Stiles was speeding his way back to Derek’s with possibly the most idiotic idea to come to his mind yet, and he went looking for a corpse. He couldn’t even remember where he got that tidbit of information anyways, he just knows that it sounds like a great idea. A perfect ideal. A horrible idea, was Stiles’ slowly panicking thoughts as he stood outside the closed off living room, loft, studio thing that Derek liked to ‘entertain’ guests (which currently and finally had a TV and wifi thanks to yours truly and Derek’s money). This was a horrible idea and he couldn’t back out now. There was no way they hadn’t heard him pull up and he wasn’t exactly quiet on his way up here.

He pulled open the door and glanced over the room. The six of them, now including Peter, stood in the middle of the room, not even sitting on the perfectly good couches that he forced Derek to buy. All of them had turned toward him questioningly, but surprisingly silent. Taking in a deep breath, Stiles locked his eyes on Derek and straightened. He could do this. He is a Stilinski. The pep talk wasn’t much, but it was enough to make him march up to Derek without breaking eye contact.

“Stiles?”

Stiles almost hesitated as Derek’s obvious confusion, but his determination kept him moving until he was toe to toe with the Alpha. Reaching up, he grasped the man’s too beautiful face and pulled him down, which was surprising all on its own that Derek would even let Stiles man handle him like this, but he didn’t have time to think about. He opened his mouth and ran his tongue up the length of Derek’s face.

And that’s about how much I got through. Basically ending with Stiles going “That’s all I wanted to say.” Not even explaining himself as he runs off after embarrassing the fuck out of himself and Derek. A pleased and flustered Derek following after him, cause seriously, I bet Derek would like it if someone liked him that much to make a fool out of themselves by doing something so stupid.

2. A Flirtation Disaster

This was going to be a short story where Scott got bit by someone else cause Derek and his sis didn’t come back while he was in high school. And now that Scott has a pack in Hale’s old home, they have come back to see what it happening. Stiles unknowingly flirts with Derek, makes an ass of himself, then goes to the meeting a little disappointed than shocked and soon to be panicking at seeing Derek there with is Alpha sis. Derek milks it.

I didn’t get much on this one.

“Did you have to kill someone to look as good as you do?”

The man in question paused with the brim of his drink just brushing parted lips. Hazel eyes narrowed as he lowered his drink. “Excuse me?”

Stiles, taking the obvious invitation to sit down, took the seat across from a literal being of sexual appeal. He tried to elude all the confidence he held within himself while he started to sweat under the unwavering glare. And when the confidence expectantly ran out soon after he sat down, he picked at the fraying on his sleeve, his eyes darting around the coffee shop. “Cause you look like the type of guy that would murder someone, not that you have killed someone. Or that you’d tell me if you did. Did you? Don’t answer that. I really don’t want to know. I want to live with the illusion that you are naturally that good looking without some catch.” And through all his quick rambling, the man across from him stared in awe as the glare vanished off his face. Stiles would have preferred the glare to this. The man looked moments away from asking if Stiles was dropped on his head when he was a kid. Time to try and salvage this.

“Do you happen to date guys that accuse you of murder??” Smooth.

Then add more horrible flirting and Derek worrying about his safety and maybe at the end, some vague flirting before an alarm goes on his phone stating he has to leave. Stiles is disappointed cause this could have gone a lot better and even if it was looking up, he failed to get the number of the godlike man. He’s then late for the meeting. And Derek decides to tease him throughout it, making subtle hints and jests at Stiles’ poor flirting techniques.

3. An Imagination is a Dangerous Thing

So, during one of the scooby gang’s little adventure, a trickster spirit decides to hit Stiles with a nice surprise. The spell or curse or blessing, however you wanna look at it, makes it where whatever Stiles is thinking about, happens. The more strong his emotional connection with the thought, the more likely it will happen. But it is limited. It’s not gonna bring his mom back or make the impossible possible.

It was fall break and Stiles was spending it chasing a trickster through the forest, in the middle of the night, on only three hours of sleep, and he was pretty sure he was lost. “GUYS!” Seriously? He understood getting lost in the moment, but did it have to be every single time? The pack had a tendency to leave him behind or in Derek’s words ‘not notice when Stiles runs off for whatever reason’. Which this all usually lead with him ending up getting hurt right about now.

Couldn’t decide if Derek was going to get hit by the spell first or the trickster just took a fancy to Stiles. TBH, I was leaning toward the latter. But after the spell is cast, everyone was worried about their human and brings him to get checked on by the pack’s vet, finding out what the spell was and how long it was to last.

Stiles inwardly panicking, cause his thoughts have been lacking in purity and have selected target. That paired with his inability to control said thoughts lead to funny and awkward situations with Derek.

Those not being limited to: Derek trying to leave and Stiles thinking he should stay, so the spell pulls Derek right back into the room, parking him into the seat. Stiles thinking that it would be nice to be carried by Derek. Stiles lying away at night and thinking of Derek, who crawls through his window, panting and pissed.

“Would you stop!”

“I can’t help it. My mind says no, but my body says yes.”

“Isn’t it your mind that we should be having a problem with?”

“…Yes, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. This thing is hard to control.”

I’d also like to mention that Stiles has told no one of his crush on Derek and for the most part, no one knew or even suspected except Erica. So he would desperately try to play off his thoughts for being innocent. Like “We’re not done talking about this.” “I’m tired, I didn’t wanna walk.” All until he gets so tired of trying to fight it and just tells Derek. The others, probably catch on after the 5th incident of Stiles subconsciously calling out to Derek or at least getting him to take off his shirt. Derek may suspect or is completely clueless until Stiles says something, which would be funny. Derek just taking Stiles at his word all those times, a little upset that Stiles lied.

4. New Pack

This is basically where Derek gets a new pack of sorts and his little group of teens aren’t particularly happy about that. Derek gets a job as a dog walker and decides to hang with the dogs instead of dealing his pack and Scott’s pack. This disregards a lot of…well, nearly everything past season one, with the exception of gaining Erica, Boyd, Isaac, and Jackson as pack members. His uncle is still dead, but there is no asshole grandpa trying to kill everyone like his homicidal daughter.

First it is Derek’s pack that are taking the brunt of having to share Derek’s attention and slowly, so does Scott’s group, cause they too relied on Derek a lot and now that he doesn’t always have time to jump at whatever they need him for, they get a little sour about it too. Ha, just the thought of Scott or Stiles telling Derek that he needs to quit his job and has no real reason beyond that he feels neglected, but there is no way in fuck that he’s gonna say that, so instead insults Derek about his lack of being a good Alpha to his group. Yeah, that’ll show him.

Anyways, had a little written for it:

Honestly, they were taking the ‘kicked puppy’ look to a whole new level. It almost beat Scott’s puppy look, something Stiles thought impossible. All four of Derek’s betas stared sourly off in the distance, not even looking up as Stiles and Scott joined their table. Not even sparing a glance when Alison or Lydia joined the cafeteria table soon after. Jackson even pointedly ignored Lydia when she called his name, her glare had no effect on him. The silence was deafening.

“You guys look like someone ran over your puppy,” Stiles finally comment, mouth full of food. The mood of the four darkened considerably. “Seriously, what happened?”

The four shifted in their seats, avoiding anything that could be construed as eye contact.

“Is everything alright?” Scott asked, joining the one-man conversation. His perfected worried look was enough to make the group tense. “Was it Derek? Did he-”

Apparently, Scott was really good at hitting the problem on the head when Jackson abruptly shot up and stalked out of the cafeteria. The people parted like the red sea at his obvious anger. Shockingly, the three shot a not so subtle glare at Scott before Isaac ran off after Jackson. Have they really become that close after a few weeks? Was being able to silently communicate a werewolf gift? Was it like a smell? Teen spirit?

Wait. Derek. Of course, they’ll have to learn when the man barely says much. He really shouldn’t be that surprised. Over the past few months of the werewolf quartet learning their new selves and bonding, they must have made their own kind of language for ridiculously good looking people. He looked over at Lydia, hoping that she’d have a clue to their bad mood, but she looked confused as he did even though she joined the back soon after bringing Peter back.

“Ahhh,” Stiles educated started.

Erica glared at him sharply, a glare to actually rival Derek’s. “Shut up, Stilinski.” And then she too stood up and left the cafeteria.

The remaining group turned their attention to the remaining pack member and Boyd stared back unmoved. Stiles doubted they’d get anything from him. They’d have more luck calling up Derek. Scott started to speak up and only got through a syllable before Boyd too stood and left the area.

Stiles looked at who remained and dignifyingly aske:d “What the fuck just happened?”

Another possible way it would go:

Honestly, they were taking the ‘kicked puppy’ look too a whole other level. Stiles looked at the three betas from across the cafeteria and sighed as he took his tray their way. They barely acknowledged him when he sat down. “What’s with you guys?’

Boyd pointedly looked away.

Erica gritted her teeth and Stiles swore he heard something clawing under the table.

But Isaac was the worst. He had his head resting on the table with his arms barricading him. Wide blue eyes stared at Stiles sadly for a moment before Isaac turned his head away.

“Okay?” Stiles dragged out. “You guys look like someone killed your pup-”

“He left us,” Erica cut in.

“Who did what now?”

Wouldn’t mind combining the two, but certainly not my problem now.

Then Scott says a few things, thinking it was Derek that did something to piss them off, cause of his low opinion of Derek. Though he’s not totally wrong. The pack had left the table because they didn’t wanna hear Scott talking trash. Kind of wanted to add Scott saying something with Boyd and Erica still there and Erica biting his head off. Which I think would have worked better.

They go find Derek to get answers and finds him with dogs. Scott jealous. He wants a dog pack. The dogs love Derek too and don’t really care much for Scott, which makes the poor boy pout, but they do warm up to him after a bit, like Derek. They learn about Derek’s job and still don’t understand the pack’s anger. So they track down the others to see the huddled in Derek’s home. When they open the door, they all perk up with hope, only to look more sour than before that it isn’t Derek.

They learn that the pack is upset about Derek’s new job and how he hasn’t been around really. Or too tired to deal with them and rather be with those mutts. Erica’s words.

Derek is avoiding them in a way. He knows that his wolf lead him to each of his betas, but at times, he couldn’t stand them and it was hard to teach them something he’s known from birth, pack. And he sees his new jobs as an escape and well, instead of facing his problems, he’d rather be face deep in a dogs belly.

Stiles watching Derek lovingly take care of the dogs. “I never thought I’d say this, but I want to be petted.” And Scott looking at him horrified and somewhat disgusted.

It all becomes a heart warming tale when they finally learn that sometimes you actually have to say your words instead of expecting people to know exactly how you’re feeling. Not much of a Sterek story, but certainly has it’s moments. Stiles being the one that confronts Derek about how this is affecting his pack and how he actually has to be the Alpha and face them before they get permanent puppy faces. “Your pack won’t look intimidating if they all look like they would cry if you pet them.”

#Sterek #Teen Wolf #stiles stilinski #derek hale #my shit #Free to use

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