#like i had just quit my job for health reasons and so i could finally go back to working in the industry i actually cared about

[pettydisco]

I'm not ready for it to be september again. I haven't done enough.

[tbyfandoms]

I’ve Got You | JJ Maybank x Reader

Pairing: jj maybank x f!reader

Word Count: 3.1k

Summary: struggling with financial burdens, y/n starts to crumble under the pressure. jj notices the girl he loves is hard on her luck, so he does everything he can to help fix it (requested)

Warnings: descriptions of financial struggles and depression, mild swearing

Masterlist/Request Form | Ask/Tell/Request

A/N: hello everybody! it feels great to finally get out my first fic of the new year! things have been kinda crazy irl so I haven't had a ton of time to write, but I just wanna say I appreciate all of your support and patience. when I got this request it really hit home, so I hope the user who requested this enjoys! in other words, I can't wait for s3 of obx to drop this month, I've missed my blondie <3

It was all beginning to be too much. You aren’t quite sure how much more of this you could handle.

Flopping onto your bed, you try your best to not fall asleep right then and there. You’ve just gotten home from a long shift at work, and to say you're drained would be an understatement.

You're not really sure where it all started. At one point you were fine, dealing with finances and typical life whatsits, when suddenly it all came crashing down.

Bills and necessities started pilling up and for some reason everything seemed to be getting more and more expensive. You were doing everything you could; taking on another job, spending less, even selling things you no longer needed. None of it seemed to help, though. You feel like you're being buried under all the pressure, and it doesn't help that it's starting to take a toll on your mental health.

Days and days went by where you would do nothing but go from one job to the next, come home and do what you needed, and then fall asleep. It was all starting to blur, you can't even remember what life was like before this all began. It makes you feel so sad and stressed, but you're not quite sure what else to do.

You're supposed to be hanging out with the Pogues tonight, and you'd promised you'd go since you've missed the last three hangouts to either work or catch up on sleep, but you're struggling to even keep your eyes open right now. Honestly with everything going on lately, you haven’t been one to want to socialize anyways. You can feel yourself pulling away from your friends more and more, but you feel as if you can’t do anything to stop it.

Turning over on your side, you grab your phone and check what time it is. It's early-ish. You could totally rest your eyes for a bit before you get up. Today was just so exhausting, it felt like you pulled a double because one of your co-workers called off and you had to do all their work as well as your own. The whole thing was a total nightmare.

It wouldn't hurt to drift off for a while. If you're a little late to the hangout later it won't be the end of the world. Everyone would probably just brush it off. So far no one's caught on to what's happening in your life and somehow that soothes you. You'd hate to worry any of them, they each have their own problems to deal with and you're not gonna add to the list.

Everything would be fine eventually. Although, from what you can see, it all seems far from fine.

*****

There's a rapid and consistent buzzing coming from your left side, and the feeling has you bolting out of bed.

It takes you a second to regain your balance and whereabouts, but as soon as you do you find yourself filled with panic. It’s darker out now, much darker than it was earlier.

When your eyes adjust to the brightness of your phone you see notifications on top of notifications of missed calls and texts. They’re all from the Pogues wondering where in the hell you are. You were supposed to meet with them hours ago. Shit.

Quickly, you open the groupchat you have with everyone and send a simple but honest text.

Had work today and passed out as soon as I got home. Didn’t realize how late it was. Promise I’ll be at the next hang, sorry!

Hopefully it’s enough to ease their minds. It’s not like you lied either, you really did have work and passed out. Just because you didn’t wanna go in the first place doesn’t mean it’s any less valid.

The thought sort of jars you. You can’t ever think of a time where you didn’t want to spend every moment with your friends, whether it be to surf, party, or just sit with each other. You frown at how much things have changed. You miss-what feels like-the old days, you miss the old you.

Your phone lights up with countless more messages from the Pogues as they take in your response. It's all a bit overwhelming. So, too tired to care you silence your phone and toss it aside. Just like everything else that isn't work, sleep, or bills; you could deal with it later.

Stomach growling, you decide you should get up and try to find something to eat. Making your way to the kitchen you think over everything you have to choose from, which isn't much.

Opening the fridge, your thoughts are further confirmed. It's practically a ghost town in this thing. You haven't had a chance to stop at the grocery store lately so there's not a whole lot to make. It's not like you have the money to go anyways.

Sighing, you close the fridge door and try to be creative with your limited options. Before you can even start to brainstorm though, there's several knocks at the front door.

Your eyebrows knit in confusion as you wonder who in the world it could be. You're definitely not expecting anyone, especially this late at night.

Slowly creeping to the front door, you nearly jump as more incessant knocking rings out through the house. Looking through the peephole your nerves both settle and start up again at the sight.

It's JJ. You know exactly why he's here before you even open the door, and that thought alone makes you nervous. You really don't feel like explaining yourself any further than what you sent in the groupchat, but it looks like that's finally starting to be unavoidable.

"JJ,' you say as you open the door, feigning as much joy as possible to try and throw him off. "What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? Y/N, what are you doing here? You were supposed to meet us hours ago and you never showed up."

The blonde lets himself in as he brushes past you. Blinking several times at the sudden intrusion, you close the door and begin to repeat yet again why you weren't there. "I told you-"

"No, don't. I don't want to her that bullshit excuse you sent in the groupchat because that's exactly what it is; bullshit."

Irritation flutters through your body as you take in JJ's words. "It's not bullshit, JJ! I did work today and just like I told you I passed out afterwards because of how exhausted I was! I can show you my damn timecard if you don't believe me."

Rolling your eyes you start to open the front door again, thinking it's high time JJ left. He's definitely overstayed his welcome if this is how he's gonna act.

"You know what? I think I would like to see your timecard. How about you show me all your timecards from the past week, month even!? Because it seems like all you do now is work."

The boy's words stop you in your tracks, hand on the doorknob. "I-I do not work all the time." You wince at your lack of confidence. You don't dare to turn towards JJ, knowing he'll instantly be able to tell you're lying.

"Yes you do, either that or you're lying to us, to me, about where you are every time we try to hang out or when I'm just checking in with you. There's clearly something going on." JJ's tone goes soft, concern seeping through his words as he continues. "Please look at me, Y/N."

Slowly, you turn towards him. You're trying your best to fight back tears, every instance of JJ or the others texting you flooding your mind. Every time you told them you had work when they tried to plan something or when you would cancel on them at the last minute when an extra shift opened up.

You thought you were doing good with hiding your problems and your excessive work and sleep schedule, but clearly you were wrong.

"There's nothing going on, J. I just get a lot of shifts at work, it's no big deal." Your voice gives at the end and you clear your throat to try and cover it up, but from the look on JJ's face, he's not believing any of it.

"C'mon, don't you think I know when there's something wrong with my girl?" The endearment has your eyes shooting to his, another sudden rush of emotion clogging your system. It's all too much to hold in, and you can feel the dam about to burst.

JJ apparently notices this too, because not a second later he's rushing forwards, his arms wrapping around you instantly. His warmth and familiar scent circling you.

The tears fall freely down your cheeks, soaking into JJ's soft, cotton shirt. Weeks worth of pent up emotion ravages your body, leaving you shaking and drained.

JJ leads you to the couch, sitting you both down but not letting go of you for even a moment. "Tell me what's wrong. I can't stand to see you like this."

Looking up at JJ, you try to regain your composure as he wipes away the tears on your cheeks. The subtle brush of his thumbs across your skin has you feeling warm and safe.

It's evident by the look on his face that the blonde isn't going to let this go. He'll sit here all night with you if he has to, that's how much he cares and how much he's worried about you.

There's a part of you, albeit small, that knows you should've confided in your friends about everything going on, should've confided in JJ at the very least. After everything you've been through together it should've been a given that you couldn't keep something from him for long.

Shaking your head, you try to think of where the hell to start. How do you just come out and tell someone you care so deeply for that you're struggling financially? Mentally? And that you have been for months?

Considering you don't even know where everything began, you just try you best to recount when it all started weighing heavily on you. You tell JJ about all the bills, about taking on a second job just to barely make ends meet. You tell him how depressed you've felt, how closed off, how tired.

It makes your heart hurt how JJ's eyes gloss over, how he shakes his head and scoffs in disbelief over everything. You know you're struggling badly right now, but to see how it effects someone when you finally say it all out loud makes it seem so much more real.

"I can't believe you've had to deal with all that, that you're still dealing with it." The blonde takes off the red hat he's wearing and runs his fingers through the waves that have been hidden there. "Why-Why didn't you tell me?"

Shrugging your shoulders, you bite your bottom lip to try and hold back the tears threatening to spill again. "I guess I just thought it wasn't worth it. I know you guys have things of your own to deal with, especially you, and I didn't want to add on any more burdens."

"Hey, no, none of that." JJ shakes his head and reaches out to hold your face within his hands. "Don't ever think that you can't come to me with something like this. Sure I've got a dead beat dad to deal with, but that's nothing I can't handle. I wouldn't let anything come between me being there for you. You're not a burden, not even a little bit. Especially not when you're dealing with something like this."

Overcome with emotions, all you can manage is a nod along with a smile, your heart feeing so full and so unlike what's it felt like for ages. Although everything is far from being solved, it's nice to know you have people to lean on, that there's someone who would do anything for you when it feels like you've been alone for so long.

Removing his hands from your face and wrapping them around you once more, JJ hums into the side of your head and you can't help but to let out a long sigh, trying to let go for just a moment and be here. It feels good to be wrapped in the Pogue's arms. To be honest, you could stay like this forever.

Before long, your mind is back to worrying about everything going on, about your difficult situation and how there seems to be no end in sight. "What am I gonna do, JJ?" You whisper while holding the boy a little closer, needing to feel grounded somehow.

Devastated by the broken sound of your voice and heartbreaking situation, JJ does his best to rack his mind of what he could do to help you. He'd offer you all the money he's got, but he knows you'd never accept it, not even as a gift. You're too proud and selfless to ever take money from anyone, especially not your best friends.

The boy grows restless, frustration and sorrow coursing through his body as your story replays in his mind. He can't wrap his head around how this has happened to you. Sure, it's not uncommon for those who live in Outer Banks, but the fact it's you rips him to shreds.

JJ thinks back on what he did when he was strapped for cash. Back to when he had to pick up the slack every time his old man went on a weeklong binge and didn't go to work for weeks on end. Suddenly, an idea comes to mind and the blonde rushes to offer it to you.

"What if-what if I talked to my boss to see if we can get you a serving gig or something where I work?"

You look up at JJ with skeptical eyes, not sure if what he's saying could really happen. "I don't know, J. I mean, are you sure? I tried to get in there when I was looking for a better job, but they weren't hiring."

"Yeah! I know I'm shit for a busboy but my word is good, and with your references you'd definitely get in! One of our servers just quit to go back to the mainland because she couldn't handle island life anymore, so it's perfect!"

You can't help the giggle that slips past your lips. This one sure has a way with words.

"C'mon, Y/N, it would be great for you. The pay is way better than the jobs you have now and the servers even get tips. You wouldn't have to have two jobs anymore and could worry a little less about bringing in money. The worst thing you'd have to deal with is the Kooks, but you know how to handle them better than anyone." A coy smile plays at the edge of JJ's pink lips. "Plus, you'd be able to see me a lot more too."

"Okay, I'd love that, thank you" you reply shyly. Looking away from JJ for a minute, you can't help the doubt creeping in all over again. "What if it doesn't work out, though? What if your boss already found someone. I can't be without a job, JJ. I need to make sure-"

JJ grabs your face, holding it in his hands just like he did earlier. The warmth instantly filling in the cold spots the fear began to create. "They didn't and you won't be. No matter what happens you still have the two jobs you've got now, but hell I'd quit and let you have my job if it means you can stop struggling with those. I mean it when I say, I've got you."

The boy flashes you a smile before leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on your forehead, doing anything to try and get you to feel better. Luckily, it works. You smile back and lean into one of his hands as heat rushes to your face.

"You really know how to make a girl feel better don't you, Maybank?" There's a hint of teasing in your tone, but you truly mean it as well. People may say JJ is a lot of things, but they can never say he's not a good friend.

"Anything for you, baby," he winks. Rolling your eyes, you push away from the blonde before he can get too cocky over the way he makes you feel. There's a smirk on your lips as you walk back towards the kitchen, stomach fluttering for more reasons than just being hungry.

Opening the fridge, you try to scrounge up an idea for what you can offer JJ. "You want anything to eat or drink? There's not much but I'm sure we can think of something."

"Yeah, starved! Forget cooking, though, you don't need to do all that. Let's go to The Wreck, you know I would die for one of Mr. C's burgers."

Laughing, you nod your head as you close the fridge and make your way to the front door. "That actually sounds amazing, let's go."

"Hey," JJ says, stopping you as you put your shoes on. "And don't worry, it's on me."

Tilting your head to the side, you look quizzically at the boy in front of you. "Kie's parents don't even charge us when we eat there?"

"Okay, yeah, but it's the thought that counts, right?"

"You're such an idiot," you laugh. JJ smiles at the sound and at the sight of your eyes gaining back a little bit of that sparkle he hasn't seen in a long time.

"But you still love me, though," he replies, not even needing to ask if that's true as he opens the door for you.

"I sure do."

As you make yourself comfortable behind JJ on his motorbike, you do your best to try and get your mind off everything. It's been hard to feel any sort of ease for as long as you've been dealing with this stuff, but with JJ it feels like for once you can just settle.

You have no idea if JJ's serving idea is gonna work out or what's gonna happen tomorrow. But you know at the end of the day you'll still have him, still have your friends, to help you figure it all out.

It's hard to open up about it all, but there's a part of you that knows it was the right thing to do with JJ. He's the greatest person you've ever met, and you wouldn't trade him for the world. And just like he said earlier, he's got you, and that's all that really matters.

[thesensteawitch]

The Remaining 2023 Vibe Check!🌲❄️⚡

What's coming for you?

🍂Pick A Pile Reading🍂

(Left to Right--- Pile 1, Pile 2, Pile 3)

Hello, Senstea Souls!🍁

Thank you everyone for staying and waiting for my next blog. I promise I won't make you wait for a whole week. I was busy taking care of my health. Thanks for your patience, beautiful souls🩷.

This reading is about the rest of your 2023. It's a collective reading. Take a deep breath and read🌻.

Pile 1

The emperor, the chariot, ace of wands, the hierophant, page of swords, 2 of swords.

Hello, my dear pile 1. Firstly I want to ask how have you been. I see that something quite challenging for you (but you were okay with it) came to an end. Maybe your human side was okay with it but not your soul. The mind kept finding a rational reason for your pain. But being in that certain situation/job/relationship you had to pay a price. It cost you your peace. Whatever happened did not happen for no reason. It happened to teach you something. Now you must be thinking, “Well, isn't it obvious?” Yeah, but darling you forgot that there are thorns on the way to the garden of roses.

Currently, you aren't able to get a closure and you won't be able to for some time. But as the year approaches its end your eyes will be opened. Some of you may experience your 3rd eye-opening. You will see the divine reason for why something ended so abruptly when you weren't ready. Or why anything even happens in this world? You'll gain some clarity regarding the purpose of your existence, your destiny, and who you truly are. Some of you may develop some strong philosophical views. Just know one thing pile 1 that what happened has ignited a spark within your soul. The light within you will burn again which was diminished months or in fact years ago. Currently, you are confused. Some of you are being rigid. I see polarities. Sometimes you will think too rationally and brutally. Sometimes you'll become philosophical. But in the end, you'll find your balance. And will finally carry your wounds as the mark of your wisdom. Your wounds will become a roadmap to your destiny.

I hear, “Blindsided, addicted. Thought we could really do this but really I was foolish...Young people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes. Some mistakes get made that's all right that's okay, in the end, it's better for me that's the moral of the story babe.” For some of you, it's related to someone and for some, it's about something very dear to you.

Only you can come out of the mental war you are going through. Only you can remove the blindfold and finally see the things as they truly are. Get out of your head! Seriously! Our mind can only go so far. It repeats the narratives it has seen. Truth comes from the divine. Surrender. Surrender to the divine/God/source/universe or whatever power you believe in. Writing down your emotions will definitely help you. You need to ground yourself. Start with grounding and soon you'll find your answers. You can just sit on the grass or walk barefoot on the grass. It will tremendously help you within a few minutes. I am not kidding. I do it. It will help balance your root chakra. You will find some stability.

Start planning how you truly want your life to be. It will help you in giving a vision. Because I see that all you need is an answer, a closure, a truth about life. If you do what I said then by the end of this year you'll finally be able to move forward with all bitter-sweet moments. You will have control of your life and not someone or something else has control over your life. Let nobody control you. Be it your mind, a desire, or a person. I also see that some of you are afraid to dream big. First dream like crazy and then make a plan. See how you can achieve whatever you want to achieve. And how can you be authentic in what you want to have in your life? Then make a plan and believe that it can happen to you. Remember the great examples in our history. If they can so can you. But don't end up comparing a fish to a monkey, you know what I mean right? You will be realising your worth by the end of 2023. You'll get the clarity that you are not able to get until now.

You need both magic and practicality. Remember to write 10 things about you that you know are wonderful. Also, forgive others and most importantly forgive yourself. Release the grudges and the negativity will be released. YOU ARE DIVINELY PROTECTED NO MATTER IF YOU BELIEVE IN ANGELS OR NOT. I also hear, “I don't know how to feel but I wanna try. I don't know how to feel but someday I might.” Oh God, you guys! Just watch BARBIE. And observe Ken. You'll learn a lot from him. Please do watch Barbie. And if you already have then watch again you might notice something that you didn't before. God bless you, pile 1. I also see a power struggle. You don't feel powerful. But you soon will. All this is happening to bring your power back.

If you want me to tap into YOUR ENERGY and give you specific details then do book a YEAR END READING with me. Just drop a message in my Tumblr inbox. (ONLY @ $11!)

Pile 2

King of pentacles, ace of wands, 10 of swords, knight of swords, 6 of wands, 5 of wands

Wow! My dear pile 2. First of all good job. I am so proud of you that you have finally decided something your guides have been whispering to you. Maybe life forced you to take a stand or you contemplated a lot. But one thing is clear you realised that the situation you were in was not favorable for you. You thought it would turn out to be something amazing but it did not. It definitely broke your heart. Currently, I see that you are trying to show strength in the face of adversity. It's good. You should keep doing that. But let me tell you my dear pile 2 that whatever tough situation you're in it's coming to an end. Very very soon. In a month you'll see yourself coming out of it. Finally, you are trying to stand up for yourself and your values. For once, you will not need anyone else's permission or approval. Beautiful! I see financial upgradation is definitely coming up for you. All the mental struggle and health struggle is coming to an end!!!!! Some of you can somewhat feel it. You may not have achieved your goal and you surely are not at the destination. But definitely, some progress is being made. Something has shifted. You're not in between. You're almost there. What you do in these coming weeks will define your years to come. Believe me when I say this. You know your goal, your destination. You're not naive. You're not unaware. You just fall into the temptations of instant gratification. And I see it all happens due to ‘what ifs’. New ideas will be coming to you. Soon you will be seeing competition as cooperation. People will praise your ideas and your work. And it will be huge! As you have just stood up from the ashes, it's still all over your body so the nostalgia might hit you. I hear the song, “What a time”. I feel this year has taught you a lot. But now you finally see your goal. You've made all the wrong decisions so now there's only the right way. What I mean by this is that you have exhausted all your options. Now there's only one way. Follow your destiny. You have been on the wrong roads so many times but the good thing is that you've learned. You have grown.

“We both have demons that we can't stand. Maybe you're seeking an honest man.” I feel that for some of you, your relationship played a huge role in your transformation. I also hear, “There may be lovers who hold out their hands but they will never love you like I can,” you knew how to give pile 2. You are a giver. Some of you may even be healers.

Now you're on your own. You always have been. But now you're not in a toxic cycle of codependency. And if some of you are still struggling with codependency then know soon it will be over. I hear December will be an abundant month for you. You are going to be the warmth that people would need in the cold winters. Some of you are so creative. I also hear, “I had the best time falling into love...” and now I feel you are choosing to stay single for some time. I feel it's good for you. Your soul needs this. I also see that some of you feel that you don't have enough knowledge about something but I see you do. Don't compare yourself to anybody online. There will always be someone better. But you don't need to fall for this trap of being above everyone else. You will finally take in the essence of understanding that the human race is dependent on each other and it helps each other directly or indirectly in each individual's growth. For the remaining months of 2023, your eyes will be on your vision. Nothing else! I literally am enjoying reading this pile. My heart is jumping. You are going to be blessed and divinely protected. I also sense that you always have been protected by the divine.

Aahh pile 2 I also see that this coming eclipse is going to play a major role in your life. It will bring a powerful change. This change is going to put you on your destined path. A new beginning is coming. If you guys have been wishing for something then know that it can come true. Please let go of your fear around finances. It's creating a blockage. I think you will be able to do that soon. Still, let me guide you on how to do it. You need to believe that you can have all the luxuries of the world. Keep doing things with your heart. Put a part of your soul in the work that you do and you will see financial abundance following you. Create things with pain, pleasure, purity, and peace. Keep the balance. Virtue lies in the middle. YOU GUYS ARE FOLLOWING YOUR DESTINY. Please keep going and not even for a moment lose hope. Focus on RELEASING the negativity and not listening to it. God bless you, pile 2! I am so so so happy for you. The external growth does depend on you and it is yet to come but I can't help but be proud of the internal growth that has happened to you and still, there's potential for more growth. Wow! The road is finally clear for you. It's your time to shine. Congratulations! Let me know what happens.

If you want me to tap into YOUR ENERGY and give you specific details then do book a YEAR END READING with me. Just drop a message in my Tumblr inbox. (ONLY @ $11!)

Pile 3

Two of wands, the emperor, two of pentacles, king of pentacles, queen of pentacles, the empress

Hello, my dear pile 3. It took me time to pull out your Oracle cards. Now I see why. So tell me why are you not taking action? I mean I see that when you are about to there's a part of you that makes you feel that you aren't ready. But guess what? You'll never be ready. No one is ready to start something. Knowing something you're planning to start is important but there's no end to learning. Then when will you be really ready if you measure your worth like that? You are afraid to execute your plan. For a long time, you have been planning and plotting but when it comes to taking action there's a huge resistance. If you are afraid that you won't be able to achieve your goals then let me tell you pile 3 that huge abundance is waiting for you to taste it. I can sense your soul suffering but this rigid mind and reasoning of yours has kept you in one place for so long.

The universe is going to put you off balance no matter how strong are the walls around you. Something is going to put you off balance and I am not saying this to instill fear in you. No concrete remains in front of God's will. Huge abundance waits for you. It's you who is coming in your way. So what if you're going to hit your goal in 6 months or a year? At least start or you'll never get closer to your dreams. Pile 3 do not even think of giving up! You do have a long way to go but to reach somewhere you need to leave a certain place and situation. By all means, explore. And who said that only the destination is supposed to be beautiful? It's the journey that matters. You are going to meet some really amazing people who will be helping you with your plan. Somebody is definitely going to help you soon.

When you're finally ready to overcome this resistance you will feel like your life is a mess. Believe me, this chaos will bring order. Currently, I see that your life is stagnant. I hear you saying to your resistance, “I like me better when I am with you.” It's so difficult to change your mindset pile 3. Stop weighing the outcomes rather than start creating. You have the capability to create a wonderful life for yourself. It's in your cards I am not saying this casually. Not all lessons are learned through books some are learned by experiencing the real world. The only way to fight any kind of resistance is to do the thing it is stopping you from doing. In the coming few weeks life is going to break something on you so that you have no choice but to move forward through the chaos that you are afraid to face. Believe me, pile 3 your life is going to turn out to be so beautiful. You'll love it. You might see a glimpse of it in December if you win over your fears.

Everything is concrete around you there's no oxygen and you have no pulse. It seems you have stopped watering your garden. No trees, no water? No oxygen! YOU HAVE THE KEY TO UNLOCK THE NEW OPPORTUNITIES. The vision you have is the key to your growth. Please don't be in your head all the time. In the times of challenges that you might face ahead please be playful. Don't be so serious all the time pile 3. Laugh a little. Let the day take you. You don't need to keep planning. Take breaks. Take rest. But do not be afraid to put in effort for your dreams. These coming months you'll be learning something that very few people know or take interest in. That's how you'll be able to create financial abundance. Knowledge will be served to you. If you feel lack in any aspect then the holes will be filled in by the universe. But first, you must take action. “The more that you say the less I know. Wherever you stray I follow. I am begging for you to take my hands and wreck my plans that's my man.” The universe is literally coming through and saying to take a leap of faith. Take its hands and wreck its plan of bringing turbulence into your life. “Know that my train can take you home anywhere else is hollow.” Home doesn't hamper your growth. Comfort does.

If you want me to tap into YOUR ENERGY and give you specific details then do book a YEAR END READING with me. Just drop a message in my Tumblr inbox. (ONLY @ $11!)

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[mischiefmaker615]

Purrfect

Rating: PG-14

Summary: There was something very strange and familiar with the cat you decided to take in..

Requested by: @Laer111ee

‘’I swear- every time I’m here, that cat is always starring at you..its kinda creepy’’

Your best friend turns your attention over to the couch where the black cat perched in an almost to-proper position with its striking and.. intense green eyes looking into your soul. Its tail flicked ever so slightly and even with the door open to your apartment where you both stood, he didn’t make a single move to dash out. Looking back at your friend, you merely shook your head with a light laugh and a wave of the hand.

‘’you mean every time as in aka, a week? He probably needs more time to adjust or something, he might be to scared to move much.’’

‘’well in any case, perhaps he would be a good source of comfort since ..what happened today..’’ her light demeanor changed back to concern as she grasped your hand. ‘’are you sure you don’t want me spending the night?.. I hate leaving you feeling like this.’’

You shook your head with your face doing a good job at hiding your held-back emotional state. ‘’I’ll be fine, really. My boss is just being an asshole, nothing new.’’

‘’yeah but.. he can’t possibly think you can do all that stuff by yourself.. not without going crazy with stress and-‘’

‘’I can handle it, promise’’ you reassured her, masking your irritation of the topic as she sighed and nodded, taking a step back with a small wave.

‘’okay.. I’ll see you next week then Y/N, take care of yourself..’’ she smiled before you finally closed the door.

Taking a deep breath, you rested your forehead on the door with your eyes closed, trying to keep your mind from going there; but it did. The tears began to fall as you thought of the turn of events that unfolded in such a short amount of time, you never really got a chance to process it until now. Avoiding the situation entirely was easy.. but not when your alone with your mind.

Your boss lost a lot of employees already from various reasons, so not only do you have to cover all of their shifts and work, but he decides to degrade you for not getting things done fast enough or well enough.. quit? With what other job? bills are a thing in this world and this world is an expensive place. You could handle the work if you really push yourself.. hard.. but the way he humiliated and treated you was your tipping point. It was good money though.. but at what cost now.. your mental state.

You punched at the door, pretending it was him before turning your back on it and heading to your room. Not even bothering to plop on the bed, you sat on the ground against it with your knees to your chest, burying your face as you cried.

‘’why do you cry love?”

The low, silky voice came out of no where, causing you to look up to find its source and got pierced with a familiar gaze. A man with pale skin, raven black hair and an attire containing a mix of green, black and gold gazed upon you with a concerned look on his face. His striking blue eyes dared you to lie at him and something from the stare alone seemed.. recognizable somehow.

How the hell did he get in, you didn’t know. Who the hell he was, you couldn’t tell yourself either- no matter how familiar he seemed to be. Most of these questions didn’t bother to leave your lips as they parted with silence. For some reason, you felt no danger from the strange man before you- perhaps you were trying to process his question rather than wonder why he didn’t threaten you for money or whatever.

‘’why do i.. what?’’ you stutter out, already feeling like an idiot as your fingers gripped the carpet beside you, trying to shy away from him.

‘’you weep with deep emotion darling and you seem to be in fine health so my only conclusion would be that someone out there had to have hurt you. At least, from what I pieced together from what your friend was saying.’’ He explained, his voice gentle as his eyes never left yours as he remained in his crouched position before you.

‘’my.. friend?- how could you possibly know- why do you even-‘’

‘’care?’’ he finished your sentence with a smirk and sighed as he seemed to study your features, his eyes slipping down below your neck once or twice before flicking up to your orbs again. ‘’because in my low moment about a week ago up to now, you’ve shown me kindness. Its only right if I show you the same.’’

You blinked at him as you tried to understand what he was saying. You.. helped him for a week? He over heard your friend.. that gaze looked to damn familiar- no.. he couldn’t possibly.. but his smirk seemed to show that he understood what you were thinking. ‘’your-‘’

‘’I believe you’ve called me by the name of ‘cat’, but if you wish a proper name, Loki will do just fine.’’

‘’Loki..’’ you breathed as you slowly raised a hand and wiped your cheeks, almost embarrassed at how you presented yourself while your mind tried to process that he was the very creature that you had been caring for for about a week. At least you had that much time to process since it was clear that this.. rather attractive man was not here to harm you- he probably already would have if that was his intention. ‘’being shown kindness honestly won’t help right now unless you plan on killing my boss.’’ You say with mild sarcasm but your body tensed when Loki nodded.

‘’that shouldn’t be a problem-‘’

‘’no!- I mean.. that won’t be necessary.. even if that bastard deserves a little pain..’’ you sigh and look away from him.

‘’what may I be able to do then love?’’ he said gently, a hand slowly moving to your chin to turn your face to look at him again, movements slow as to not spook you.

Gods his eyes were gorgeous.. ‘’nothing unless you know of a way to help me forget..’’ you sigh, your eyes threaten to tear up over the sensitive topic you tried so hard to ignore before your body froze.

His lips were soft as they suddenly and very gently pressed against yours. His hand remained on your chin while the other supported himself as he leaned forward against your knees that prevented him from getting closer, so he worked with what he could get at. The sudden action made your mind blank, focusing on only feeling as your eyes slowly closed and told yourself this had to be a dream. An emotional overload that left you exhausted and dreaming realistic scenes that couldn’t take place in real life.. which is why you kissed back. Hell, if this was a dream, then why not enjoy it. because.. come on, your cat becoming a person.. there was no way in hell..

You feel Loki’s slender hands rest against your knees as he used gentle pressure to begin spreading them, his thumbs rubbing pointless circles as he deepened the kiss by being able to lean forward more before he pulled away briefly with his forehead pressed against yours.

‘’I might not be able to help you forget entirely, but allow me to help you forget for at least a blissful moment..’’ he breathed, his eyes studying yours with a hushed tone before his lips took yours in a more passionate kiss. He kissed you, ready to stop if you wanted him to but you made no moves to stop him.

He was right, and it was working. Your arms wrapped around his neck while your legs parted for him to move closer, his arm snaking around your waist while his other ran down your side and down the side of your thigh to pull your leg against his waist. His tongue ran across your bottom lip and you were happy to oblige before he soon had his tongue massaging yours.

Moaning against his mouth, you felt your body relax against his while your hands ran down his chest, fingers studying and trying to figure out how to find an opening to his labyrinth of an outfit before you felt him smile against your lips. You resisted the urge to whine but pulled away enough to give him pleading eyes.

‘’alright darling, only because you asked so nicely..’’ he teased with his voice almost above a whisper before a bright green seemed to sparkle over the both of you. You almost felt a tickle before you looked down at the both of you once the light was gone, to find you both in your under garments and Loki’s eyes already drinking in your beautiful body with hunger.

Your eyes flicked up to his with slight nervousness but enough confidence to want this while your arms wrapped around his neck ‘’help me forget..’’ you whispered and his arms lifted you up onto the bed.

‘’as you wish darling..’’

~

Your eyes snapped open to sudden alertness, your body even flinching as if someone shook you awake.. but no one was there. You could tell you were on your stomach, in bed, with the morning sun peaking through your blinds and into your eyes. The bright light made you turn your body away only to freeze when your whole body told you you were sore.

‘holy hell what a dream..’ you thought as you winced a little and switched to laying on your back. Perhaps you were just sore from all the work you had to do- no thanks to your boss.. but at the same time, you felt well rested. Definitely not a result that would stem from your boss.

You brushed your hair more out of your face and sighed. You have never had an amazing dream like that before, it being over only made you disappointed to have to get up. If it were possible to go back to sleep and back to that dream, you’d stay in bed all day. Wait-

Your hands clutched the sheet around you out of instinct, finding yourself naked. You never slept like that.. Trying to piece things properly together and rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you turned to make a move out of bed only to squeak out of surprise when you saw the cat you rescued stayed perched on your nightstand, watching you.

‘’..hello cat..’’ you said hesitantly, keeping the sheet closer to you as you stayed put before your brow raised. Didn’t that cat have green eyes before? ..not blue..

Leaning forward, you examined the cat closer that watched you with a calm manor and didn’t move an inch as you gently ran a hand against its head. ‘’..Loki?’’ you whispered, almost feeling silly to try to ask its name but it was worth a try right? What made your hand draw back with widened eyes was when it’s eyes suddenly changed color to the familiar green..

And licked its lips.

[twistedwonderlandshenanigans]

"Interview" With NRC Students

Last set of my December Drabbles posts. Written after Chapter Four / Scarabia Chapter, burnt out and taking no shit Yuu. Word Count: ~5k ----------------------------------------------- You read over the set of questions Crowley had provided to ask for end of year interviews. Technically, it was supposed to be Dire's job to check in on all the students, but yet again the task was passed onto you. As you looked over the questions, you felt your eyes glaze over but a certain burning in your chest. None of these had anything to do with checking in with mental health, which was clearly what the students needed. You're no therapist. You're no faculty member, you're not someone who should be doing this anyways. You flip the paper over and think over a question you could ask. Just one. You have so many people to get through, and your emotional capacity and mental tenacity are nearing their limits. As the first person walks in an the two of you get to chatting, you finally settle on a question, maybe seeking some wisdom for yourself, and a glimpse into the way your friends, enemies and acquaintances think "What advice would you give someone who's looking to improve their day to day life? Or just advice in general?"

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Riddle is slightly taken aback by the question, before smiling assuredly. "I've been learning quite a bit myself what improvement can mean from one person to another. As you know, the standard for improvement and growth has always been set very high for me, but I think...I think that perhaps the best advice I can give is to learn to set a high standard for yourself rather than....someone else's approval.....it's not advice I've learned to follow, but I received it from a close friend this year and I believe it's sound. At least if you are disciplined enough to do so for yourself." -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Trey laughs a little bit in response, grabbing at his glasses frame and tipping them up slightly, before crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair, sighing a bit. "Advice, huh? Well, I can't say anything for sure, but I guess...don't sweat the small things. It's old advice, but there's a reason it's been said." "Did you want to elaborate on that?" "What else would there to be elaborate on? I thought that was pretty straightforward." "Maybe it has a little more of a personal meaning to you?" "I mean, I've got a bunch of younger siblings, and as vice housewarden I end up looking after a lot of people in the dorm, including Riddle. If I had to worry about every single thing everyone shorter than me was up to or doing, I'd have grey hair by now." He had a shit eating grin on his face as you stopped writing and looked up at him unamused. "You're not funny." "I like to think I am." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cater's face almost falls a bit when he hears your question, but he keeps himself smiling. "Could...could you repeat that please? Cay-cay's um....I need to make sure I heard that right." "What advice would you give someone who wants to improve their day to day life?" He looked almost haunted, though he was trying to maintain his happy disposition. "Did...do you want a different question?" "Ahah um well no! No, it's ok, I got it I just...need a minute I guess! It's...I guess nobody's asked me for advice...ever. I've given it just never asked...specifically, y'know? Ahhh, never mind, can you forget all that and we can take it from the top?" You can't hide your concern and confusion all that well, but you nod a bit and smile reassuringly. "What advice would you give someone who wants to improve their day to day life?" Cater lights up as if the emotions he was conveying a moment ago had never existed. "That's easy! Cay-cay's got you covered! Find something to smile about everyday, because if you don't-...just find something to smile about everyday. Even if it's just one thing that'll keep you going, you're still going, and that's what matters." His smile falters just slightly. "That's all you needed from me, right? I can go now?" You give him a small smile and nod, and watch as he leaves the room, an awkward tension still sitting in the air. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deuce looks like a deer in the headlights at the question. "Why would you ask me that?" You gave him a knowing smile, cocking your brow a bit and he cleared his throat awkwardly. "I think you have plenty to contribute to this, Deuce. We both know you've undergone a lot of personal growth to get to where you are now." "Well yeah but it hasn't been easy! And you were there when I've had.... when I've flown off the handle and just gone right back to who I was before." "But you're not the same as you were before. You feel regret, which was what made you want to change in the first place, because before you heard your mother on the phone, you didn't. I wasn't there when you were a delinquent, but I've known you for a few months now and can say with confidence you're doing a good job Deuce, you're making a lot of progress towards your own goal. If you could just share a little bit of insight on what's made it easier, or what's been a motivator other than seeking your mother's approval, I'd really appreciate it." He thinks it over for a moment, nodding slightly as the words slowly come to him. "I...I don't really know, but I guess....I've never stopped trying my best...and I give myself room to be angry when I need it. I think a lot of people either try their best most of the time, or don't put very much effort forward at all, so I think the second thing might be the advice I would give someone. To give yourself room to feel your emotions, big or small, just make sure you have a safe place to do it where you won't hurt other people too." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ace looks stupidly unamused and kicks his feet up on your coffee table, blatantly ignoring the look you gave him for doing so. "You're bein' so formal. We're friends why are you acting like that?" You couldn't help but huff a bit, amused but not wanting him to know that. "I have to do this for Crowley, it's not like I want to. Just answer the question Ace, then get out, I have so many other people I have to get to today." You regret the second part of your sentence when you see his shit eating smile from across the way. He settles even deeper into the seat and sighs deeply, happily and puts his hands behind his head. "So I get your full, undivided attention until you get the answer you're looking for? Cool." "Mmm, mhm, you get my full undivided attention until you waste my time and I throw something at you and the countdown is starting my patience is paper thin right now Ace, do not test me." He scoffs and sits up properly, groaning out of boredom. "Fiiiine, but is it really wasting time if you're hanging out with me? You owe me an hour after thi-" "Sure, yeah, whatever, shut up and get out, or answer the goddamned question and get out." "Sheesh, ok, fine, the best advice I can give is for you to loosen up, Great Sevens you're tense." "NO SHIT SHERLOCK." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leona didn't even come to you for HIS interview, you had to go track down the lazy lion yourself. He mumbled something when you knocked at the door, but you didn't hear nor care if it was to come in or to go the fuck away. You let yourself in, sat at the end of his bed and waited for some sort of response. "I will throw this clipboard at your head I know you're awake." Clearly, he thought you were bluffing, as a few seconds later a very angry cat was growling at you, and your clipboard had bounced off his head and sat on the floor. You remained unphased, tapping your pen against his nose once, lightly. "You don't scare me, now what advice would you give someone who wants to improve their day to day life?" "The fuck kind of question is that to wake me up from my nap from?" "The kind that if you don't answer I'm calling your sister in law and asking her to make you because I don't have time for this shit either Leona. Answer the question. And before you say anything about me not having your family's contact info, I do have both your phone and password so tread lightly." It hadn't been hard to get, Ruggie was an open book for the right amount of Thaumarks, and Leona's phone had been on the floor, but Leona looked mildly impressed for a split second before remembering he was annoyed, huffing and laying back. "You're lucky I don't eat you alive for throwing that piece of shit at me, herbivore.” “Are you going to answer the question?” “Yeah, I just woke up, give me a damn minute.” “Mira, set one minute timer.” Setting one minute timer. “Oh for Great Seven’s sake, is that how petty you’re being? Fine. If you can’t sleep it off, get something to eat. Now get out of my room, before I decide to eat you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ruggie didn’t even bother sitting down, he recognized the set up from the year before and laughed a little. “Shyeeheehee if these are the same questions from last year, can’t y’just hand over the paper and pen and I can pretend to write something that Crowley won’t read?” You couldn’t help but snort a bit. While it was tempting, your curiosity for what the hyena boy had for advice outweighed your want to be a little lazy. Besides, at this point it wasn’t for Crowley, it was for you. “Not this time. I’ll be honest. I have a question for everyone, I’m just trying to maintain my sanity though, this isn’t about the headmage anymore, this is me holding on by a thread and looking for some hope for the future.” You laugh weakly, and Ruggie smiles a little, concerned, but it was understandable. You had a lot on your plate, and he was kinda happy that you were that honest with him. He finally sat down across from you and slung his bag from over his shoulder to sit on his lap as he dug through it. “I’m not great with advice, but my gramma always said something about if you wanna go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together. So surround yourself with people that are gonna getchya to the end of the school year, ok? Or until Crowley can send’ya home. The other freshies are doin’ a pretty good job from what I can tell but if y’ever need a lil pick-me-up y’can let me know. Might even do it for free.” He grins and winks at you as he finally produces an apple from his bag, rubbing it gently with his sleeve before offering it to you. “I don’t got much, but you’re doin’ a good job prefect. Hopefully y’can pretend that’s like…a bigger prize or somethin’. And I wasn’t kiddin’ when I said I could be a part of that group if y’want me to be.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack’s ear flicked a bit at your question, his rather stoic expression making you question exactly what was going through his mind. “That’s a pretty broad topic…but my grandparents and parents always say that ‘we will be known forever by the tracks we leave’…so…don’t do anything you wouldn’t want to be remembered for.” “Is that all you want to say?” He simply nods once, happy with his answer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Azul pushes up his glasses and chuckles a little. “That isn’t something Crowley had you ask, now is it? If advice is what you’re seeking, then perhaps scheduling an app-“ “Azul. I would love to hear you out but frankly I don’t have the time nor the fucks to give about your business deal you’re about to offer, so if you won’t answer the question, I’ll just inform Leona that you refused to co operate and I know how to push his buttons in just the right ways to do so.” An awkward silence filled the air before Azul cleared his throat a bit. “That won’t be necessary. Wisdom that had been imparted on me by my nonna goes as follows: chi non fa, non falla. In other words, he who makes no mistakes, makes nothing. The path to greatness is full of obstacles but can be paved as you learn how to get rid of them. In my case, I recognize that I was fortunate to have seen the road paved by my nonna, and learned from her mistakes so I wouldn’t have to make my own. On the other hand, not having had that example to follow would have allowed me- er…and individual to learn on their own so that they understand and appreciate just how much effort is required. As long as you’re learning, you’re not failing, and sometimes that’s enough.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jade looked rather amused at your question, folding one arm across his chest and holding his chin with the other. “Tried and true advice is the best advice I have to give. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, you never really know who you can trust.” He smiled a bit at you, but you weren’t quite sure how to feel about it. “I’ll be going back to the lounge now. If you require anything from me, I’m simply a call away.” Did having his number make you a friend or an enemy? Did you really want to know?? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Floyd giggles as he turns the chair around to sit in more comfortably, rocking a bit, before your question finally processes and all his excited movement stops and he slumps in his seat. “Awww but that’s so borin’. It’s not like under the sea where if y’don’t like someone you can just y’know…” he draws his hand in a slitting motion across his neck, tilting his head, and making a wretched squelching noise. “Soooo I guess the only advice I can give ya is if someone’s bein’ stupid to ya, call me! I’ll squeeze ‘em reaaaaal good for ya shrimpy!” He rocks in the chair a bit before he gets up. “I ain’t answerin’ any other questions, so ya better be happy with whatchya got.” It was good enough. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kalim was bubbly as ever, but tilted his head like a confused puppy at your words. “Oh um, I don’t really know. I did hear this one saying though that I thought was really pretty and it was like..um well it went like ‘don’t let the shadows of today take away tomorrow’s sunshine’.” He sat, expression rather blank but happy. He looked rather expectant though, as if he was awaiting praise. You smiled a little bit at him and decided to dive in a little further. “What does that mean to you?” He looked a little surprised, but really thought it over for a moment. “Well, everything can’t be great all the time. Things are usually ok at best for a lot of people, most of the time. But dwelling on the mistakes we make isn’t going to make us feel any better, so why hold onto them when we can let them go and be happy?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamil frowned, shaking his head a bit. “You’re asking me this now? What question are you going to ask everyone else?” He looked rather haggard, but you couldn’t decide if after the whole hostage situation, you thought he deserved it, or if you felt bad for him. You ignored your feelings on the matter for now and sighed. “Everyone’s getting the same question.” “Very well then. My advice is don’t fucking overblot.” You looked up to see a somewhat smug expression. “Ask stupid questions, you get stupid answers. I’m going back to my dorm prefect.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vil was poised and ready as ever. “That’s easy. The only way to ever improve is to practice. Most people say practice makes perfect, but that’s simply not true. If you don’t put your full effort into practicing, if you take short cuts, then you will never reach the level you hope. Perfect practice makes perfect. You must be persistent in achieving greatness; persistence is what sets apart the greats from everyone else. Regardless of what you’re practicing for, whether it’s a role in a movie or to develop patience, the saying remains true.” He smiled a bit and sat up more in his chair. “Was there anything else you wanted to ask me?” You smiled back a bit, finishing writing his response best you could. “Nope, that’s all for now. Thank you Vil.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rook tilted his head a bit and smiled. “Ah, mon trickster, is that all you are looking for? Surely the head mage would not be asking a question of this depth.” He hummed a bit to himself, not really looking for an answer from you- he already knew. “I don’t so much have advice as I do a saying I learned in my time in Pomefiore. There is no rainbow in the soul if there have been no tears in the eyes. Isn’t there such beaute in that? Your soul only grows more beautiful as it does strong when you face hardships, so do not despair when the clouds blur your vision and a downpour slows you in your path. I could simply go on for hou-“ “You really don’t have to Rook, I got the gist….I think. Thank you for your time.” He smiled and tipped his hat politely. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epel was more prepared than you may have thought, but it was appreciated. "You don't ignore the fuel gauge on a blast cycle when it says its empty. You don't ignore the flashing lights and alerts that let you know when your bike needs something. So apply that to yourself. You need fuel too, so don't wait until you can't go anymore to eat. Don't go until you're so exhausted you break down. Sometimes circumstance makes it difficult, but don't ignore the really big signs that's something's wrong and assume its gonna get better." As if on cue, his stomach rumbled, and he flushed a bit. "That bein' said, my dorm ain't exactly a picnic.  The servin' sizes barely fill me up and peanut butter can work miracles, but not that big. Jack sometimes brings me leftovers from the meals at Savanaclaw, and Deuce sneaks me desserts but it ain't the same as one home cooked meal a' comfort food, y'know?" You nodded apologetically. You refused to get actively involved, but you could offer a fellow freshman a hand. "If you bring ingredients, you can use my kitchen. Just don't get caught. And make me some food too." He looked surprised, then absolutely beamed and laughed softly. "Y'betchya! I'll make sure it's the best damn food y've had in yer life!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Idia’s tablet floated in front of you. There was a drawn-out silence, and you wondered if he was even paying attention behind that screen or not. Finally, he responded. “Just advice in general? Lol why would you ask me? You want gaming advice, reqs, strats, sure then yeah, you could shoot me a text or something I guess but this is just p. stupid. I literally don’t leave my room and I’m a nepo baby what relevant and useful advice could I possibly give to a normie?” “Just give me an answer I can write down Idia, it really doesn’t matter.” “Fine then. Avoid middle schoolers at all costs. I can absolutely destroy newbs in game, but IRL? Those guys can pin down your biggest insecurities in two seconds flat and won’t be afraid to call you out on it.” “You took that from a comedy sketch.” “….shut up, I tried, ok? I guess…..read all the tips on the loading screen of a game when you get the chance. Does that work?” You sighed softly, before giving him a tired smile. “Yeah it’s good enough.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ortho let out a sad sounding beep. “What’s wrong Ortho?” The little robot kicked his feet a bit in his seat, processing. “I’m not human. I could give advice, but it might not apply the way I think it does. I could search for it, but it would not be my advice to give. Even if I said something as simple as ‘do your best’, I don’t know, really, what that means. If I give 100% effort in something, I’m pushing the extents of my hardware and software. I run the risk of overheating. I might hurt myself, and in doing that, waste my brother’s time in making him repair me over something that could have been avoided. I have my “best” programmed into me. A human can push past that discomfort, past that risk if they so wish, and in theory, achieve giving more than their best, or something that would be recorded as an anomaly or outlier in a research setting. I have no advice to give.” He lets out a sound like a sigh and sits cross-legged. “Even when I try to give big brother advice, when he follows it, things seem to go wrong. I don’t think I should be who you ask.” You looked over his defeated looking figure. You couldn’t help but feel empathy for him – clearly this had been on his mind for a while. You set aside your clipboard and held your arms open. “You look like you need a hug.” The little robot looked up surprised, then visible relief flooded his features as he nodded a bit and floated into your arms, hugging you tightly, but took care to not let his hair get too close to you. “Doing your best, regardless of who or what we are is all that matters Ortho. My best on a day-to-day basis fluctuates. Sometimes my best means I got out of bed in the morning. Sometimes my best means I finally do those tasks I’ve been meaning to do for weeks. Sometimes my best means I’m on top of everything, getting things done, and feeling great. Everyone’s best looks a little different, sometimes even within the span of hours. You’re doing great. You have people that care about you and will pick you back up if you need a little self help. While some of your capabilities are limited by programming, your actions are not. You still choose to help where you can. You are kind when you want to be. I think that’s when you’re at your best.” Ortho pulled away, nodding a tiny bit. “I think I understand. Thank you, prefect. I appreciate it.” Even though his mouth was hidden, the wrinkles around his eyes told you he was smiling again as he went on his way. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Malleus seemed intrigued, but a little surprised at your question. He shut his eyes gently as he thought it over. “For the fae, years pass by like seconds. To give advice that would only aid you in growth for the next year seems rather near-sighted, though I suppose for you, that is plenty of time to develop your character.” He hummed softly, trying to think of something he could give you, that wouldn’t be overwhelming. You gave him his time, rather happy in the comfortable silence the two of you were able to sit in. “I suppose I’ve always taken the passage of time for granted. Perhaps that is something I will work on as I set my own goals, though with that comes the advice I wish to impart upon you. Your time is precious. However, the only thing more precious is how you spend it. I only wish for you to be happy, healthy, and successful Child of Man. Ensure that the time you spend with others lifts you up, encourages you, and allows you to grow into your potential. I hope that one day, I will see you grow into your full potential.” He smiles softly, hoping that you catch on that he hopes you’ll include him in that circle of friends that will help you continue growing. However, it’s the wording he used that has you wondering if he has had something to do with why you haven’t been able to go home yet. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lilia giggles softly. “Asking for advice from your elders, hm?” He settles in his seat on the ceiling, enjoying the fact that you couldn’t hide a tiny smile from forming from his antics. He pouts thoughtfully and taps his chin. “There’s a lot I could say. Learning to change with time, to live everyday to it’s fullest, to learn to not be afraid to take risks, that there is value in re-evaluating who you’re friends with, that you should follow your heart until your mind screams no, icicles are ideal weapons, you can train crows to sound like humans and then send them after people you hate, develop your vocabulary to the point where if someone makes you mad you make them feel stupid in your response, that you should never swim on an empty stomach, but never go on a roller coaster with a full one, don’t stick metal where it doesn’t belong, never trust where a toddler’s hands have been….I was going somewhere with this.” He paused, spacing out for a moment before shaking his head and coming back to earth to finish what he needed to say.  “Truth be told, I think the most important advice I can give is learn to tell others how you need to be loved. Nobody will ever know what you need, so even if you can’t tell the full extent of what you need, someone close to you will do their best to interpret what you mean to get you what you want. The second step to that then, is to let yourself be loved. You are the only person who sees you in as harsh of a light most people see themselves in. Let other people in to make it better.” He beamed and turned right-side up again. “Will that suffice, prefect?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silver looked very concentrated, but needed you to repeat the question. He closed his eyes a bit as he thought, but seemed to startle when he opened them again and sighed. “Be grateful for what you do have, what you can do, instead of being upset at your incapabilities…you have other talents…and other traits than mistakes and shortcomings.” He sighed softly, mumbling something under his breath. You couldn’t make out much, but it sounded like something he had heard many times before, himself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sebek puffed his chest out, looking disproportionately proud at being asked for advice, though as soon as he opened his mouth you realized you forgot to set a very important boundary and interjected. “It can’t be about Malleus. At all. Or any specific person for that matter.” Sebek’s shoulders fall a bit and he looks a little annoyed. “You did not specify that BEFORE HAND HUMAN!” “Well I did now, so deal with it.” “FINE! I will share with you something that has been shared with me often. It’s-“ “Please your inside voice?” “THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.” “I bet you hear it a lot though.” “THAT IS IRRELEVANT. NOW BE QUIET SO I CAN COMPLETE THIS TASK, BENEATH ME AS IT IS, THAT I MAY LEAVE YOU TO YOUR PATHETIC UNDERLING WORK FOR THE HEADMAGE!” You didn’t justify that with an answer, just gestured with your hand for him to get on with it. He cleared his throat a bit and tried to calm down a little. “I was going to say…the more challenging a conflict, the more glorious the triumph. You mustn’t forget to allow yourself to be proud of what you have achieved. While your conflicts and mine may vary in how difficult they are, it does not change the fact that on an individual basis, we must acknowledge the effort we put in to overcome them.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grim sat across from you, his tail swishing curiously side to side, his head tilted and eyes wide before he grinned widely. “Course ya want advice from the Great Grim? Now listen up hench human, ‘m only gonna say it once so ya better make sure y’write it all down, got it?” You nodded a bit, trying to downplay your smile a bit at the toddler-like energy your companion emanated. He stood up on his chair, pacing back and forth a little bit like a drill sergeant. “Never eat expired tuna. If you’re really that hungry, no YA AIN’T. If ya need something from the tallest shelf, climbin’ on the counter is sturdier than any chair in Ramshackle. Sneaking food from the cafeteria works real well if your cheeks are big enough to store it!... And if ya don’t eat it as you’re tryin’ to make a break for it. Ace’s most ticklish area is behind his ear, which is why he always pushes me off when my fur rubs up against him when I’m on his shoulders. If ya ever need me to bug’m, let me know! I think that’s all I got for now.” He stopped and placed his paw on his chin in thought, before one more thing came to mind and he hopped over to you, pushing his face gently against yours. “Oh yeah. ‘Nd don’t forget t’tell the people y’care about they mean somethin’ to ya, in one way or another, 'kay?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------

[potol0ver]

Ask; Hello, I read you have your request open, and I really like how you write about Erik. So, if you feel in the mood, I like some scenario (GN or AFAB) in which y/n starts to work ato Opera House like an skilled effect artist and one night, when y/n finally has some time free and alone, Erik found her playing something like ROxxanne tango with the cello, because she play it but only for herself.

Tags; Fluff, GN reader (you and yours),

A/N; Hey, I’ve been silent for a while and I’m sorry for that. I wasn’t motivated to post any fics and was in writers block. Now I need to focus on my health because a serious health concern has come up for me, so I apologize for continuing to be radio silent. I’m a little out of it while I’m writing this so I’m sorry, Please injoy this fic, it will most likely be the last for a while. (You may continue sending asks just be warned I might not be able to get to it for a couple of reasons.)

With a heavy sigh you put aside your art peice, a stage mask that just wasn’t holding up to your standards. You’ve painted over your dried paint and wiped it off to many times to count already. Your hands had become shaky long ago as you sit at your desk that was in an obscure corner of the Opera house.

You push your chair back that gave a screech and sluggishly walked back to your small room in the Opera house. Thankfully it looks like none of your roommates are in the room which means you can properly relax and wind down. Most importantly in your mind, it means you can practice your cello without disturbing anyone.

Quickly you set up your space, adjusting your chair, setting up your music stand, making sure your bow has enough rosin. Flipping to your favorite cello peice you take a breath and start playing. Letting your fingers and how move on the strings fluently, you we’re getting entranced by your cello. Unknown to you, you weren’t the only one being entranced.

Somewhere deep in the Opera house, the Phantom can hear your playing faintly thanks to the echoing of the monumental walls. Intrigued, Erik quietly yet softly made his way to you until he could hear you clearly. Leaning against a wall he let his eyes shut and get wrapping up in your music, loving where you crescendoed and adding your own flare.

When you got to the end of the piece and pause your playing to find another to play, he finally peeked a look at you. He thought you would’ve been apart if the orchestra, but he didn’t recognize you, it also looked your your cello while well kept, was quite old to. Erik became very fascinated by you now, he started by “testing” you. Slipping new and harder pieces for you to try, and if you did play them he’d be happily surprised with how well you make the notes come to life.

Next, after you passed his “test”, he worked hard to see if he can find you a proper newer cello. Only the best for his new found talent, that day by day he was slowly falling for. The more he became infatuated with you he got more determined to find a cello to match your one of a kind soul.

After a while he did find a very good cello, a one of a kind, just for you. So, Erik made quick work to insure it’s yours. He personally polished and cleaned it, making sure no scratches were on the instrument. While you were working hard at your props job for the play, he made diligent work to set up the present in your new room. That of course was also a present from him. How could he let his musical muse share a room with a bunch of strangers?

Leaning the cello against the bedside table he placed a rose and a note next to it. Despite watching you for so long and being so devoted to you, he never got to the courage to say anything to you. Hopefully the grand presents will be a good first impression.

Groggily you walk back to your room, only to be told you don’t sleep there any more. Which after the long day you had of making props wasn’t good for your anxiety. As you followed the directions to your new room, you think about how you could’ve gotten on the bad side of someone to get an even more run down place to sleep in than what you have already had.

All of those thoughts quickly got washed away when you opened the door to your new room. It had everything you needed to live alone, a small kitchen/living room, a nice bedroom with a decent sized closet, even a space to practice your cello. You were so stunned at what you did to deserve this new room that you didn’t question how everything you own was already there.

Quickly, your eyes caught the sight of the luxurious cello next to your new bed. Gently you caressed it, looking over all of the fine details, it looked like a masterpiece that was specifically catered to you. The red rose next to the cello caught your eye next, along with the letter that had a skull stamp.

Carefully opening the letter you scanned the words, a mixture of your emotions sitting in your stomach as you read.

“My dear, I have heard you playing for a while now, and I must say the way you make the notes come to life is hauntingly stunning. You have caught my interest in the best way.

I know you haven’t seen me or heard me before, which is why I hope your new room and house warming gifts are a good first impression. If you wish, I can also arrange a seat for you in the opera’s orchestra so you don’t have to continue working in the messy arts department.

P.S. If it’s not to much to ask, I would like to hear back from you, so please consider us to be pen pals now. Also, if you ever need a quiet place to practice you can always come to my lair to whine down, maybe that way we can play music together.

~Yours devotedly O.G.”

A single thought ran through your mind as a mixture of unease and swooning butterflies ran through you…

What have you gotten yourself into?

[fannyrosie]

I've followed you for quite a while and I've always loved your style plus I lived vicariously through your life in Japan lol. I'm sorry if you've already posted this I couldn't find the post but I was wondering why you left Japan. It's my dream to live there one day and I was curious what it was like.

I have answered that in my Instagram Stories, but here is the long story version (TL;DR: I came back mainly because of my poor health):

I left Japan after 6 1/2 years for several reasons, but one the main reason is because of my health. I've never been the healthiest person, even before moving there (I was even dubbed "the sick one" at my old job because I often had to suddenly leave work in the afternoons). I was constantly tired and had really bad abdominal pains. I saw several doctors in Montreal, and all I managed to get was a diagnosis for IBS and anxiety. However, I was functional most days, and managed to work and live relatively normally, as long as I rested a lot and stuck to my FODMAP diet.

During the few first years of my life in Japan, my physical health remained that way, with some random very bad health periods, but overall, I was fine. I even started to workout regularly to improve my posture and muscles. However, from 2020 onwards, my health declined significantly. On top of my worsening IBS, I started having really bad spine pains, radiating to my head, chest and arms, and making me so tired I had to take several days of rest every time I went out. I started to catch every little virus I got in contact with, and had to avoid taking public transport the most I could. I was working from home, and walked a lot, so that was manageable, but it made me more isolated.

I saw several doctors, but even though they did blood tests and x-rays, they couldn't find anything and just assumed it was stress. After reading about EDS, I thought I might have that (since I am also hypermobile), and had to wait 7 months to get an appointment at Todai's hospital. However, on the day of my appointment, I got told that Todai only deals with EDS related to heart issues, and my tests were all normal, including my x-rays. That was in June 2022, and was the final straw, as it proved that even the most advanced hospital in Japan couldn't help me. By that time, I had to wear a back brace to do the most basic things, like laundry or going to the supermarket, and was taking painkillers every day. I had to stop working because I couldn't work on my computer for more than 2 hours a day. Obviously, no work=no money.

Coming back to Québec, I had to wait 3 months to get back on the public health system, and as of today (6 months after being back), I managed to get x-rays and MRI showing I have: discopathy (degenerative spine disk disease), osteoarthritis (degenerative joint disease), several herniated disks in my cervical region and pinched nerves due disks collapsing. Basically, I have the spine of a 70 year old. I have been referred to a physiatrist, but we all know that Québec's public health system is very slow. so God knows when I'll see one. Nevertheless, they found something, which is better than all the doctors in Japan who told me it was just stress. Japan sadly has a big culture of having to "endure" pain (mental or physical), and it shows in their medical system.

Due to the degenerative nature of the illnesses they found up to now, my health is constantly getting worse. I used to have good and bad health days, but now, I have more bad health days than good health days. I still take painkillers every day and wear my back brace to do normal tasks, but most days, these are not enough. I am trying to make the most of my "good" health days by dressing up and doing nice things, but I never know how I will be the next day (or hour).

I had to take two breaks writing this; hopefully it makes sense haha

[snug-gyu]

so another year is coming to an end, and i feel like a lot has happened to me this year that i should do a little post so i can remember everything i went through and the good things that came from it. under the cut cause this will probably get long

so this year i moved back in with my parents for mental health reasons. i left behind a good job, great coworkers and a place i had just recently finally got to myself. even though i had all that, i was still feeling so bad with myself i realized i needed the support to get back to my feet.

i lost my most precious baby in the process to a horrible desease that took him from me in a matter of days, and i had to watch him suffer through it all while not being able to do anything besides make him as comfortable as i could.

with all that, i also got myself into a terrible job that was so taxing on me i feel like i deleted most of those months from my mind as a defense mechanism, to the point i broke down one day after being humiliated by my asshole boss and finally quit.

all of this happened while i changed psychiatrists and treatment at least twice, so the weeks following me quitting my job were very important to finally give my mind some rest and now i'm in a job that is a lot more considerate and less taxing on my mental health.

now on for the good things.

this year i managed to see two of my faves live, nct 127 in january and ateez in august. i haven't been to concerts in so long and now i'm completely addicted. i can't wait to see what 2024 has in store (hopefully skz?)

through all of that, some friends have been soooo important to me. you guys were there for me in my darkest hours and for the happy times as well.

@secretdiaryofanawkward my bestie, i love you. thanks for being there every day with your memes, rants and cat pics. i cherish our memories together even if it's just laying down in silence while we do our own thing. thanks for helping me while i was on my lowest and i'm pretty sure i wouldn't be where i am now mentally without your help

@hongamon , @changbeens and @cryiingemoji . you guys have been with me since last year and i know i can count on you being there to cheer me up with blorbo pics or to talk shit about people. thanks for your friendship and i hope you know i'll always be there if you need me

@ggthydrangea and @winterfloral , your words (or gifs) of reassurance mean the world to me. also @juiceofmoons and @missyedits , even though we didn't talk much i'll always have you in my heart. i know y'all been busy this year with work and uni, but i'm glad we finally managed our mb babes' call

@chanrizard my beloved wife, @decembermoonskz by sweetheart, @agibbangs my spiritual neighbor and the whole of lix jail @leenope @jinniebit @lixence @thnx4thefish @wisteriya @happysmilebtr @babebatter @haenglixie thanks for the chaos and the laughs and even if we don't talk much y'all are very special to me.

all my beloved moots, i love you guys very much and it's lovely to interact with you even if it's just through tags sometimes. you have a special place in my heart and know that if we're moots you're automatically all my friends

@hanjesungs thanks for caring the burden of modding the stayblr server since it's begging and for being the voice of reason when we need it

to all of the people on the stayblr discord server, know that i consider you all my family and going there is like coming home, so thanks for always being so warming and nice to hang around. @hongjoongpresent @brightermorepls @astraykidz @noonaracha

sorry if i forgot anyone, just know that i'm very grateful for all the friends i've made along the way. my ask box and dms are always open 💜💜 thanks and i love y'all

[kpopimaginings]

Trying - Lee Know

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Mental Health

You were doing your best. You kept telling yourself that if you can just get out of bed every morning things would be ok. Just getting up and getting dressed drained you though, let alone attempting anything else.

By the time you'd done the bare minimum to keep yourself functioning, you were utterly exhausted. This left no energy for socialising, including talking to your boyfriend. Even replying to his texts just felt like too much in the moment.

Lee Know knew there was something wrong. He was constantly checking his phone as text after text went unanswered. When rehearsals finally ended, he decided enough was enough and headed over to your place.

Hearing the knock at your door, you let out a groan. You didn't remember ordering anything and neither you nor your apartment were exactly suitable for guests. When you pulled the door open to find your boyfriend at your threshold you didn't know how to react. You just stood there, no emotion discernible on your face.

Luckily, no words were needed. Lee Know simply stepped closer, wrapping his arms around you. That was all it took for the damn to break. You lost track of time as you stood in your hallway, sobbing into your boyfriend. Your fingers clutched at his clothing, keeping him as close as humanly possible. He returned the gesture, holding you tight and letting you release everything you needed to through your tears.

It wasn't until your sobs subsided that Lee Know relaxed his grip on you. You followed his lead, releasing his hoodie and dabbing at your damp cheeks. His hands remained a comforting presence on your waist.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered.

"There's nothing wrong though," you said, before realising your words didn't quite make sense. You'd just been sobbing on him, clearly everything wasn't right. "I mean there's nothing to talk about. I don't know what triggered me, my brain just hates me right now."

"That's ok," he assured you.

You loved that about him. He knew you didn't always have a concrete reason for your change in moods, but he never dismissed your feelings because of it..

"Can I help?"

"I don't think so," you told him. "And I don't have the energy to actively hang out with you."

"Ok, you go and relax, I'll sort out some of the chores you couldn't do."

All you could do was smile half-heartedly before heading back to bed. Knowing that the little jobs you'd been putting off were now getting done let you rest much easier and actually recuperate somewhat.

 After a refreshing nap, you ventured out of your bedroom to see if your boyfriend was still around. It didn't take long to find him in your kitchen, which was much cleaner than the last time you saw it. Lee Know was stood at the counter, preparing some food for dinner. Hearing your footsteps, he peered over his shoulder at you.

"How are you feeling now?"

"Eh," you shrugged. "Better than I was, but still not right."

"At least there's some improvement," he encouraged.

"I was actually hoping for a hug," you told him.

Immediately, he put down his knife and wiped off his hands so he could wrap his arms around you, squeezing you tight.

"I don't think you realise how much it helped knowing you were sorting the chores. That was the best rest I've had in days. I didn't need to feel guilty that there were things I should be doing."

"Anytime you feel like that, let me know," he told you, still cradling you in his arms. "First, y shouldn't feel guilty for letting yourself rest when you need to. Second, I'm always here to help. Even if you don't have the energy t socialise, just text me what you need doing and I'll do my best."

"How are you so sweet and so perfect?"

"I love you," he answered simply. "And when you love someone you do everything you can to make sure they're ok."

"I just wish I could return the favour. I feel bad for taking up your time like this."

"You do return the favour," Lee Know assured you. "You're my little safe haven. If works been busy or stressing me out, I can come to you and not think about it for a while. Just your presence helps me more than you know.

There was a moments quiet then as you stood in Lee Know's embrace, allowing him to gently sway you side to side.

"How about I finish cooking and we get a nice healthy meal in you?" he asked eventually.

You pulled away then and nodded.

"Thank you," you said with a small smile.

"Anytime," he replied.

NAVIGATION |  STRAY KIDS MASTERLIST

[heliza24]

The Radical Act of Quitting (and Wilhelm)

This is a little more personal than my Young Royals metas normally are. It’s really one-half personal essay, one-half show analysis.  It’s something of a spiritual successor to my post about radical acceptance and Simon’s arc in season 2. And it’s also about the reasons why I want Wilhelm to renounce the crown by the end of season 3. (I am stating that early, because I know many people disagree. Feel free to engage but please do so with kindness; a lot of this is quite vulnerable for me.)

I’m disabled. Specifically, I have a chronic condition that began in my early twenties, and slowly got worse and worse until I was finally diagnosed at 28. I’m 31 now, and I’ve had to grieve the person I once was many times over. I used to be a dancer, I used to be an adventurous eater, I used to love to travel. My chronic pain and restrictive medical diet have taken those things away from me, piece by piece. But the thing I mainly want to talk about right now is quitting my job. At the time of my diagnosis, I had worked at my job full time for three years. For a few years after my diagnosis, I tried to remain at my job part-time, because I loved it. I worked in the music industry, and I had the best team of coworkers. I had a great work/life balance, I was never stressed about work. I looked forward to each day in the office. When I went to events and had to introduce myself during an ice-breaker, I would usually include a fact about my job. I found a lot of my identity there. All of my work directly supported musicians, which was something I was very proud of.

So I tried very, very hard to hang on to my job. My company gave out these ridiculously heavy plaques for employees who had been at the company for 5 years, and I was determined to get one. But it was really hard. I could no longer type sitting up for more than a few minutes, so I did every day from my lap desk in bed. (This is still where I write all of my fic and meta!) I struggled to talk to customers on the phone while I was in pain. The office was closed because of the pandemic, but I would have had to work from home regardless because I couldn’t handle the commute.  Every day was a slog. And my pain and fatigue weren’t getting better. In fact they were continuing to get worse as time went on. Finally, my five-year work anniversary arrived. I made it, but I felt like a runner barely stumbling over the finish line. It was the end of 2021. I talked with my friends and my therapist and my disability benefits lawyer. “I don’t think I can keep working,” I would say. And then I would cry, because the thought of letting go of this last part of my identity, when my illness had already taken so much, was so horrible.

After several months of deliberating and grieving, I quit.  My boss begged me to reconsider (God bless him, honestly). Was there anything he could do to better accommodate my needs? Could I work a different schedule to let me sleep more? Could I work freelance on specific projects they really needed me on? I wanted to say yes so badly. But I knew. The longer I held on, the more I fought, the worse my health would become. And the worse my health would become, the more I would struggle with work. The joy I had felt during my first three years in that office had already drained away. I was fighting just to get through each day, and I didn’t want to fight anymore.

I recognize that having the resources and disability benefits to even consider quitting is a huge privilege. There are a lot of disabled and chronically ill folks who struggle through work at great detriment to their health because they can’t afford not to keep working.  So I recognize how lucky I was to be able to quit. I am so grateful for that option, even as I mourn all the things I have lost.

In my meta about Simon, I talked about radical acceptance and how it has been my guiding light as a disabled person. Embracing radical acceptance means that I have done my best to accept what I can and cannot do, and what I can and cannot control, without judgment. I accepted that I needed to walk away from my job. But how was I supposed to define myself without it?

Capitalism defines most peoples’ self-identity, whether they realize it or not. We identify with our jobs, or with the “grind” culture, or with the moral goodness associated with working hard. But here I was, without a job. And I had my whole adult life ahead of me. I had to find a way to make a new identity outside of work.

Around this time, I started to gravitate towards stories where characters are faced with similar decisions, even if I didn’t realize it yet. And let me tell you, there aren’t many of them.

@bluedalahorse and I talk about this a lot. In our ultra-franchised world, the point of stories, even those that are supposedly about rebellions, is often to return characters to the status quo, so that the next movie/comic/episode can pick back up where the last one left off. And when there is a significant change in the status quo, it is usually because the characters worked, and pushed, and struggled to achieve that change. It’s very rare to see a story about someone who walked away from something that was harming them. It’s rarer still to find something that deals with the aftermath, as characters work to re-establish themselves.

I’ve found a lot of comfort in true stories of people leaving cults and high demand religions, and of queer people forced to leave their conservative families behind. In all of these cases, people are consciously abandoning a predominant belief system that is harming them, and have to start over as they craft their new sense of identity. (I am also queer, which adds an additional level of connection). Often people in these situations come to rely on their found family, a thing I have also found to be true in my own life.

I quit my job in between seasons 1 and 2 of Young Royals, and I don’t think I realized how many themes connected my experience to Wilhelm’s until I was watching season 2. Wilhelm is the protagonist of Young Royals, and his central dramatic question has always been: will he fulfill his duty as a royal? Or will he quit, and discover who he is beyond the system he was raised in? Simon is a huge part of this decision, obviously, but the question has never been strictly about Simon.

While I have no personal experience with the monarchy, I do know what it’s like to consider walking away from a role that you assumed you would fill for the rest of your life. I know what it’s like to think about quitting your job.

There’s so much pressure on Wilhelm to assume the role of perfect Crown Prince. He’s told constantly—by Kristina, by Jan-Olof, by the court-- that he can’t let his family or his country down by deviating from this role in any way.

This is a pretty common experience for people who are trying to quit something. They are told that they will let down those around them if they leave. People who are leaving high demand religions are told that they will not be able to enter heaven.  Queer people in conservative families are told they can’t come out because “it would break [elderly relative]’s heart and kill them.” When I quit my job, I thought a lot about how I’d be letting down my coworkers and everyone who knew me as a hyper-competent career-driven person.(This included some of my doctors by the way, who expressed their disappointment in my failure to adhere to their idea of a “worthy” disabled person, i.e. someone who soldiered through the pain and continued to work. Some withdrew care because of this and honestly I will never forgive them). And maybe I was letting people down, and maybe ex-Mormons really will spend the afterlife in outer darkness, and maybe all the grandmas of queer people will be so upset that they kick the bucket when their grandkids come out. But ultimately, if your happiness or safety or well being depends on leaving, it doesn’t really matter. You have to do it anyway.  You have to abandon the things that you can no longer carry. You have to discover who you are on the other side of religion, of the closet, of capitalism.

I think about this every time people in the fandom talk about how Wilhelm leaving the line of succession will create a constitutional crisis, or impact all of Sweden negatively. I am personally pretty anti-monarchist, but I honestly can’t even tell you if I think that Wilhelm removing himself from the line of succession would bring about the end of the Swedish monarchy or not. Honestly, I don’t really care.  I care about Wilhelm. I want him to seek happiness, to search for the future that must live on the other side of this oppressive system he finds himself in. A constitutional crisis? That’s Kristina’s problem, that’s Jan-Olof’s problem, that’s the government’s problem. Radical acceptance means focusing on the things you can control, and Wilhelm can only control his own happiness.

When this issue gets debated, I often see people argue that Wilhelm is too young to make the decision to give up the throne. But the reality is that we ask teenagers to make decisions about their futures all the time. @bluedalahorse wrote a great piece of meta about that here. I love what she said so much I’m going to quote it directly:

Nonetheless, we ask teenagers of Sara and Wilhelm’s ages to think about decisions that affect their future all the time. We ask them to consider what career they’ll pursue or what university to attend. Teenagers who grow up in various denominations of Christianity consider whether they’re going to go through with Confirmation or sometimes Baptism. Other religions (ones where I can’t speak from as much personal experience) have various other rites of passage around this age, and various cultures have coming of age rituals. For some teens, they do these things willingly and with their whole heart, whereas for others, they do it to please their parents or families or for the social norms of it all.

And if Wilhelm is too young to decide to give up the throne, how can he be old enough to decide to keep it? Surely the decision to take on the governance of a country, even in a symbolic way, requires as much, if not more, maturity than the decision to pursue a less high-powered career elsewhere.

When people in the fandom claim that Wilhelm is too young to make this decision, I hear Kristina telling Wilhelm to wait until he’s 18 to come out, because only then will he be responsible enough to deal with the consequences. That’s a delaying tactic, and nothing more. People who don’t want you to leave will ask you to delay your decision over and over again, because they think that if they can kick the can down the road just a little farther, they’ll never have to lose you.

I also see people argue that Wilhelm isn’t qualified to make a decision because he doesn’t know enough about the “real world” to know what he is choosing. To be honest I don’t think most teenagers know much about the “real world”. I definitely didn’t. But we ask them to make decisions that will affect their futures anyway. And here’s another way to look at this: Wilhelm has plenty of places he can look to for examples of how “ordinary” people live. He can find out what it’s like to be from a noble but non-royal family from the students at Hillerska. He can talk to Simon and Linda about what their lives are like. He can read the millions of books, or watch the thousands of movies and TV shows that feature non-royal protagonists and were created by non-royal artists. But only Wilhelm knows what it is like to be Crown Prince. No one else has had that experience. So I would argue that actually, Wilhelm is the only one qualified to make this call.

Ultimately, the agency and mental capacity of people who are quitting is often doubted, usually by the people who have the most to gain by keeping them in place.

So many people have so much invested in maintaining the status quo. And as soon as you invest in a system, someone daring to leave puts your world view into question. Why are you dealing with so many oppressive rules if someone else can just leave? We see this a lot with high demand religions and cults; if someone threatens to break free, the members often join ranks and work together to pressure them to stay. What has your sacrifice as a woman in a patriarchal religion meant, for example, if another woman can decide to simply walk away? Does Kristina’s grim life of duty and sacrifice matter, if Wilhelm can just opt out and seek happiness instead? 

Then of course, there are all the benefits that an oppressive system confers on its most privileged members. Those benefits are in danger of disappearing if enough people quit, so high ranking people will work to keep others in line.  Think about all the people who benefit from the monarchy: all the staff who work for the royal family, all the nobles who get their reputation by proximity to the monarch, and everyone in Sweden who in general benefits from the image that a long-standing institution of white, straight, conservative power projects.

And those aren’t people Wilhelm needs to be responsible for (or should be concerned with placating, to be honest). If the monarchy fails because Wilhelm leaves, it’s because there’s always been a fault in the system. Those relying on this outdated system have signed their own fate.

No one knows fully what life will be like after they quit. That’s the radical acceptance part of quitting. You have to make a blind leap, and discover a whole new world once you land. Wilhelm is no more sheltered than anyone before they take this leap. Everyone who quits—a religion, a cult, a job—has to go through this process of rediscovery.  You have to learn by doing. People do that successfully all the time, and I believe that Wilhelm can too.

When I was talking about this meta with @bluedalahorse, we talked a lot about Plato’s allegory of the cave. That story goes something like this:

Several prisoners have been kept inside a cave their entire life. They are chained to the spot, and cannot move. They are facing the back wall of the cave. Behind them is a fire, and in between them and the fire, their captors walk back and forth, casting shadows on the wall. Because the prisoners have been kept in the cave their entire life and have only ever seen shadows, they think the shadows are real. They think the only thing that exists in the world is shadows. Until one day, one of the prisoners is set free. He goes outside for the first time, where he is blinded by the sun and overwhelmed by stimulus. But he discovers the real world. He now knows that the shadows he was used to are pale imitations of the real things. He’s so excited that he goes back to tell his fellow prisoners what he has learned. But the prisoners get angry at him for challenging their world view. They don’t believe him, no matter what he says.

There are a lot of ways you can interpret this story. Some people think that Plato is talking about the role of philosophers in society. Some people use it to explain a philosophical concept he writes about elsewhere called “forms”. But I think one thing is clear. Plato didn’t write the allegory of the cave (and it didn’t stick around in human imagination for thousands of years) because he thought you should stay in the cave. Leaving the cave is hard. You will be met with resistance. But discovering the real world, when you were only seeing shadows before, is worth it.

I want Wilhelm to leave to be happy, to see the real world instead of shadows. But I also believe it’s what the story demands. It’s the only answer that makes asking the dramatic question—should Wilhelm conform or rebel?—worthwhile to me.

To be king, but to be the first gay king, would be such an unsatisfactory ending for me. It reminds me of how hard I tried to keep my job—by working from bed, by reducing my hours. My boss could do the best he could to be accommodating, but ultimately working was harming me. You can’t adapt the monarchy enough to make it a non-damaging space for Wilhelm, because there will always be people pressuring him to conform to its straight, stoic ideals. Those ideals have been around for hundreds of years, and to put all of the burden of reforming them on Wilhelm is unfair and unrealistic. If he does stay, I see him struggling to change a system that is not designed for him. Even if he does make small victories for representation or inclusion in that context, it will come at an enormous emotional cost. I just don’t think it’s worth it. Not when there’s a whole world where Wilhelm could be doing good, important work– in whatever arena he chooses– that won’t also come along with inherent emotional trauma. 

Believe me, there’s a whole world to be discovered after you walk away from something that’s damaging you. You grieve, yes, but you also grow. Since quitting I’ve been able to love my friends harder, to treat myself better, to give back to the disabled community.  I think if you talk to most people who have committed a similar act of radical quitting they’ll say the same thing.  I want this future for Wilhelm, but I also want this kind of story to exist for all of us. I want there to be a story that represents those of us who have had to make these kinds of decisions. I want there to be a story that can encourage people who are currently wrestling with their desire to leave and the pressure to stay. And I want there to be a story that shows the hope, the bravery, and the self-belief that is required to walk away and seek a brighter future.

[dragonrider9905]

It's Officially Christmas

Merry Christmas @toomanybandstocare!!!! I'm your secret santa for @ghostofskywalker's Life Day Exchange for the @cloneficgiftexchange! Ironically, it also works out for the @clonexreaderbingo because Cody was on my card as well as one you requested :D I really hope you like it. It wasn't quite how I wanted it, because I love love love expanding stories so they go one forever but I ran out of time. This is just a bit of fluff and happiness for the Christmas season!!! Hope you're having a good one!

Cody sighed with an exhale, rubbing circles on his forehead, just tracing the scar around his eye he had gotten during his active military duty. Highly decorated, Colonel “Commander” Cody of the Armed Forces was currently struggling to complete his college semester still holding onto his sanity intact. Christmas was close, which meant fun and freedom were just in sight.

And to be honest, he could use some. It had been quite some time since he’d felt either of those things. 

Just the previous year, he’d been discharged early from the military due to family hardships. His adoptive father, Ninety-Nine, had fallen seriously ill which resulted in much limited mobility and flagging health, though he was stubbornly holding on. Ninety-Nine was tough in his own way and not easily knocked down and never let his disabilities limit him. He honestly was one of Cody’s biggest heroes for just that fact alone. No one was more inspiring than Ninety-Nine. 

To top off the struggle, his half-brother, Fives, was killed in action, while his other half-brother, Echo, was seriously wounded. This had dampened (but not destroyed) Ninety-nine’s spirits which slowed his healing. Cody had come back to take care of the family broken by loss.

The family. 

And what a family it was: a mix-matched group of boys and a sickly older man but they belonged together. 

Ninety-nine had taken care of all the Fett boys in some way or another after they’d been abandoned by their father Jango. He’d been the one to find Plo Koon who fostered and eventually adopted Wolffe, Sinker and Boost—but he’d raised under his own roof a rowdy bunch which included himself, Rex, Fives, Echo, and the Quadruplets (Cody didn’t know if technically Se or Fett was more accurate for them) soon nicknamed ‘the bad batch’.

And it was these that Cody called family. Home. It wouldn’t be complete totally again, but they could heal — and he’d do whatever he could, nay, he wouldn’t rest, until they did.

More than anything Cody wanted to take care of Ninety-nine, especially in the beginning. And that he did, but because Cody was an overachiever—he’d signed up for college classes as well. Then he added a job on the side to match; a small part of him regretted it. It was getting to be a lot, but joining the military right out of high school wasn’t easy either, so if he could make it then, he could do this now, he reasoned. 

That was a year ago now, and Ninety-Nine was finally on the mend. 

This year would be special, since everyone—well almost everyone—was going to be home. The first year since they’d all left, that they’d be back. 

They’d be back. Home, and together again.

Like they should be.

Echo was finally released from the hospital, healing from his extensive injuries and adjusting to his prothstetics, and the quadruplets’ tour was finally over. Though none of them were injured, it wasn’t without repercussions either.   

“Hurry up, Cody, or we’ll be late!” a shout broke him from his musings. “And don’t forget the basket!”

The Fetts were on their way to a dance—a Christmas dance—hosted by their longtime family friends the Jetti’s, and there was going to be an auction for charity, sleigh rides, and everything, as they did every year. Ninety-Nine insisted on bringing something to join the auction every year and this was no exception. Even when they couldn’t make it to the dances, Ninety-Nine was giving something.  

Cody wasn’t much of a dancer. He never cared to go to them much. But for some reason he was really looking forward to it this year. Perhaps because it was Christmas, and magic had a way of creeping into people’s ordinary lives, transforming into something beautiful and new. 

And it was this Christmas hope that kindled something warm inside his heart, and excitement. 

— — — — — 

The room was alive with flashes of color and the sound of music, laughing and cheering. The pitter pattering of feet was just as loud as the happiness of those in the room excitedly making known to each other through various conversations and well wishes. Quick steps made their own rhythm and stories which echoed off the dance floor. 

It was at this moment you felt beautiful, standing under the Christmas lights and bathing in the general glee and spirit of the room. Your throat squeezed as if holding in a laugh and a smile pulled at your lips so much your mouth hurt, but in a good way. The Christmas magic worked its way through your veins. The tingling of invincible tinsel tickled your fingertips, an energy flowing through you which was contagious. Smiles you sent to others were easily returned and frowns turned upside down. 

It was at this particular moment, the Fett family walked in. 

The name wouldn’t have meant much to you in normal circumstances. Why would that name stick out among so many others who were there? 

But you had a reason for knowing it, and his name was Cody. 

You saw him leading his train of brothers in through the door, guiding the old man by the arm. He flashed his charming smile to the host and exchanged hands. 

The music started up again and your sister grabbed your hand, dragging you into the ring or people forming a group dance with interchanging partners. You had to focus, otherwise you’d lose your step. 

It was only two seconds, but in those two, the entire Fett family was dispersed throughout the room and you lost all track of where Cody had gone. 

— — — 

Moving lithley, you kept up with the music and the people twirling and leaping around you. The dance went in a circular motion and patterns were interchanged. You clapped and danced and laughed along with everyone else, pushing yourself to go faster and faster as the song was ending.

Twirling and twirling you finished with a bang.

You looked up and saw you were in Cody’s arms, who looked just as shocked as you did to see you there. 

Then he froze there, mouth slightly agape. His eyes danced across your face and his slight panting may have been more than just catching his breath from the dance. He swallowed nervously.

“Um, hello.” He stuttered nervously.

“Hello yourself,” you smiled  back reassuringly, “nice to run into you.”

Cody chuckled a little at that, then a silence fell between the two of you. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare! It’s just...you look so beautiful underneath the holiday lights.” 

You chuckled at his embarrassed realization. Cody turned pink and looked like he wanted to cave in on himself, which you had to say was really adorable and made you laugh harder. The thought of the brave warrior being startled into a stuttering school boy because of you.

The sound of your laughter filled the air with a contagious glint of mirth. Soon, Cody found himself laughing too. 

The music started up again and people took their places all around the two of you. 

“Would you, um, care to go again?” he asked, holding out his hand. 

“Gladly!” 

Not just one song but two that soon turned into three. When you were tired, you headed off to the corner to drink hot cocoa and watch the others. You were so caught up in talking to each other that you hadn’t realized that the time ran late into the night. It was near midnight when you sighed and looked at your watch. 

“Well, I’ll see you around.” You finally said a little sadly. Just because Christmas was around the corner didn’t mean all the work was done. You had one more paper to write before you were free. 

“I hope so!” He responded genuinely which just made you laugh again.

“Oh you definitely will. I sit two rows behind you and three seats to your left in class.” 

Cody gawked. 

You couldn’t have?! He’d surely have noticed you?!

“I even asked you for notes once. And, you also asked me for notes once too.”

His mind was racing, trying to think back to those times to verify the claims with his memory. 

You chuckled lightly. 

“I don’t expect you to remember though. You were always very preoccupied, with good reason. Your cousin, Waxer, told me the whole story.”

Big mouth Waxer. Could have counted on him to blab the whole story to everyone (though in this case Cody was grateful he did, not that he would admit that.)

“I have to say, I would have done anything for you. You had to just give me a chance.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to be so drastic, darling,” he smirked, “I’m here now, and I’m all yours. After class tomorrow, would you want to go skating?”

"It's a date!"

Now, it was officially Christmas.

[checkoutmybookshelf]

Harry Dresden Does Not Handle Exes Well

If Storm Front was the general introduction to the world, Fool Moon to werewolves, and Grave Peril to the Vampire Courts, then Summer Knight is where we meet the Fae Courts, and they are unequivocably the most dangerous of the factions Dresden has interacted with so far. Harry's actions and interactions with the Queens and Ladies in this book echo into the rest of the series, and have consequences all the way through Peace Talks and Battle Ground. That said, this book is also weirdly bifurcated in terms of Harry's personal character arc--he had man pain and girl trouble--and the plot-y, political stuff with the council and fae courts. Let's talk Summer Knight.

As per usual, FULL SERIES SPOILERS below the break, so be warned.

Harry opens this book hardcore wallowing in guilt and self-loathing over Susan's abortive transformation, exodus from his life, and his own inability to reverse the change. He hasn't showered or shaved in way too long, he's about to be evicted from everywhere, and all his friends are trying and failing to stage interventions.

Then the high school sweetheart he low-key thought he might have accidentally murdered after she betrayed him to their abusive foster father/teacher (who Harry killed in a duel) quite literally knocks on his front door.

And this is on top of Murphy--who has fully shifted into BFF territory at this point--struggling with psychic scars that Harry also blames himself for. Being a mortal woman in Harry Dresden's orbit honestly sounds EXHAUSTING because this man has exactly zero sense of the balance required to actually help someone. Harry gets lost in his own man pain and how he somehow "should" be able to throw raw power at a problem and fix it, and the next thing you know, the women who are reasonably dealing with their own trauma suddenly have to drag Harry's ass out of his pain over their pain. There is a reason flight attendants tell you to put on your own mask before assisting others. Hell, even Elaine says it to Harry at the end of the book:

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Harry. [...] I understand that there's something you're blaming yourself for. I'm just guessing at the details, but its pretty clear you were driving yourself into the ground because of it. Get over it. You aren't going to do her any good as a living mildew collection. Stop thinking about how bad you feel--because if she cares about you at all, it would tear her up to see you like I saw you a few days ago.

This is not the last time someone calls Harry out for not helping, but it honestly isn't until about Skin Game that the Susan stuff and its aftermath get fully resolved. Not to get too TMI on main, but honestly Harry reminds me of a college boyfriend I had who just could not handle my health stuff. And that's not a judgment thing, not everyone can handle everything, but where Harry falls down on the goddamn job here is not knowing where his own weaknesses are and compensating for them. His pattern of "but muh man pain" holds all the way through the series, literally up to and including Battle Ground.

So suffice it to say that I'm not a huge fan of Harry Dresden Goes to Peices over Both His Ex-Griflriends. So what did I like about this book?

Couple things.

I loved that Harry finally brought Murphy fully into the supernatural world fold. I don't love his sexist bullshit with her, but I spent a lot of the series ignoring that because the rest of their dynamic is really damn good. And Murphy handing the Chlorofiend its own ass is never not awesome.

I also really, really enjoyed the introduction of the fae courts. Butcher really did take just a massive double handful of fairy myth threads and weave them into something magical (if perpetually horny in a way that gets really complicated and more than a little contradictory later). Summer and Winter more or less seem to map onto the Seelie and Unseelie courts, and the power structures more or less steal from the maiden (lady)/mother (queen)/crone (mother) structure of triple goddesses across the world. Not to mention that we get folkloric and fantasy creatures from trolls and centaurs to red caps and Jenny Greenteeth throughout the courts. We even get things like changelings and Victorian Era-inspired small folk. We also get the dangers of fairy bargains, food, and glamor. I would be hard-pressed to point to a fairytale/fae folk tradition that doesn't get some level of wink-and-nod at some point in the series. Hell, we even get a cheeky final line from Shakespeare's fairy play, at which point you've officially ticked every box.

Overall, I would have to say that the worldbuilding and the fae courts were what really kept me reading this book. I loved the synthesis of lore and myth in creating them, and the little bait and switch we get with Winter being the straight shooting court and Summer being absofuckingloutely terrifying in its duplicity is a nice touch that honestly I didn't appreciate on earlier reads.

[ghostlyyraccoon]

Rational Chapter 2 (Kavetham Hanahaki AU)

Warning: graphic depictions of violence, blood, injury, explicit content

Ship: Kaveh/Alhaitham

Chapter: 2/2 Chapter 1

Summary:

Have you heard what they’ve been saying about the Academiya’s Scribe? Rumour has it he’s come down with a lung disease of the most curious kind! The whole House of Daena has witnessed him coughing up leaves and petals like crazy! Apparently, it’s been going on for several weeks, yet the Scribe refused to go see a doctor until his health took a sudden turn for the worse. Yesterday, he was found unconscious at his desk! Fortunately, the General Mahamatra and Light of Kshahrewar were closeby and able to bring him to the Bimarstan before anything worse could happen.

.

“I am not expected to be back at work until next week,” Alhaitham declared as he crossed the room, sitting down on the divan. For most, It would look like nothing more than a comfortable stroll, while for those more familiar with the Scribe, it would be hard to miss how much care he had to put into sitting down. “Nahida has strictly forbidden me from entering the House of Daena before I'm feeling better again. Apparently, it’s not enough for her that my assailants have been caught already.” Carefully, Alhaitham pulled his legs up, crossing them one over the other. “Well, you certainly won’t catch me complaining about the paid leave. Perhaps my time-out will finally be reason enough to look for an actual replacement for the Grand Sage.”

Kaveh followed him into the room, a packet of bandages in one hand, a jar of ointment in the other. He set both down before putting his hands on his hips, his gaze fixed on Alhaitham’s relaxed form. 

“Contrary to you, Lesser Lord Kusanali has common sense and knows that some situations cannot be solved by brute strength alone. Let it taper off and then you’ll be free to do as you please.”

“It would please me to be indefinitely removed from the Grand Sage’s position,” Alhaitham replied drily.

Kaveh tutted his tongue. “Speaking of which, most people in Sumeru would kill to be in your shoes. Yet all you do is complain.” With a sigh, he sat down on the ground. As he continued to speak, he picked up the jar again, starting to unscrew the lid to check how much of the medicine was left inside. “People wouldn’t respect you as much if they knew how you act when you’re out of sight,” he mumbled. 

Slowly, Alhaitham uncrossed his legs and leaned down. Within his reach was a book he’d abandoned on the ground several weeks ago. Luckily, Kaveh must have missed it the last time he cleaned up the living room.

He picked it up and blew off the dust that had settled on the cover. “It's too much of a hassle, really. It’s beyond me why anyone would choose this job out of their own free will.”

The jar was still halfway full, so Kaveh set it aside. “You know, most would see it as an honour,” he insisted. “I certainly would see it as such.”

“Well, I think we’ve established time and time again that I'm quite different from other people. All this job got me is unwanted attention, more work hours and a knife in the gut.”

Caught off guard, Kaveh almost dropped the lid. “Good grief, Alhaitham!” His voice caught in his throat. “I don't even know what to say to that.”

Without looking up, Alhaitham opened the book; he had dog-eared it the last time he read it. “That would be a first.”

“You-!” Kaveh took a deep breath to collect himself. “You're incorrigible. Now stop trying to distract me, I need to take a look at your wound.”

Slowly, Alhaitham peered over the edge of his book. “Don’t trouble yourself. I can do it by myself just fine.”

In spite of Alhaitham’s words, Kaveh refused to move. He simply waved the jar of ointment in front of his roommate’s face and raised his eyebrows. “Excuse me if I don't trust your levels of self-care after the stunt you just pulled. The multiple stunts you pulled, actually.” The expression on his face was determined. “Take your shirt off, I am going to check your wound.”

“You're acting like this is some form of punishment.” Alhaitham said. “Which would pose the question: Is it supposed to be my punishment or is it maybe yours after all?”

Kaveh watched him as he turned the page, a perfect picture of nonchalance. Using one hand, he pulled up his shirt, his gaze never straying from the page as he somehow managed to undress himself with almost no reading time lost .  

With his eyes trained on the intricate letters, it felt easier to breathe. “There you go. Now stop talking nonsense and let’s just get this over with.”

While his eyes were still trained on one of the pages, his mind was somewhere else entirely. Internally, he braced himself for what was to come. Perhaps it would be easier to stick it out if Kaveh's fingers weren't already ghosting over his abdomen, the touch of his fingertips light like a feather. 

“Considering how you chose to play down a near-lethal stab wound you’d more than deserve a little punishment. It kills me that you're probably enjoying this. It's abnormal. If I were stuck inside for weeks it’d drive me crazy.”

“Abnormal? I think I've heard that one before. You have got to try harder if you're aiming to be innovative.”

“You-!” For a moment, Kaveh mulled it over. “Lunatic! You're a lunatic.”

Alhaitham let out a low hum. “That one isn't new either, Kaveh.”

Kaveh threw his hands up in an annoyed manner. “Fine, I give up! People talk about you far too often,” he grumbled. 

“And you don't count yourself among those people?”

Carefully, Kaveh took off the bandages, observing the scar with a clinical gaze. “I live with you. I have every reason to complain.”

“I believe Cyno and Tighnari would like to disagree.”

“Oh come on now, don’t act as if you never whine about me.”

“Not to them I don’t.”

“Which implies that you do talk about me, just not with them! Stop acting so high and mighty, Alhaitham. Remind me again which one of us got stabbed in a suspicious alleyway?” Kaveh put the used bandages away and mustered Alhaitham’s wound. Carefully, he let his fingertip run along the pink scar tissue and Alhaitham shivered. 

When he received no answer, he kept on talking regardless. “Maybe this is your new strategy to keep me from working.”

“By getting stabbed?” Alhaitham tried his best to keep his breathing calm. “Next time I'll try to keep your timely restrictions in mind before getting assaulted.” Kaveh’s fingers, skilled and spindly as they were, were sending shivers down his spine. Alhaitham felt that sense of guilt he’d grown accustomed to bubble up again. These touches were not his to enjoy. Even more so, it would be unfair to Kaveh, an overstepping of boundaries, if he were to close his eyes and relish in the skinship. Growing up, Alhaitham had so little physical affection, now the mere thought of it was wish and fear alike. Perhaps he was the one being submitted to torture after all. 

Kaveh's movements gradually slowed down until they came to a halt. When he started to speak again, his tone was nonchalant.

“Don’t act as if you have no idea what I’m talking about.” For a second, he seemed hesitant, his expression somewhat abashed. Then he cleared his throat, his fist raised to cover his mouth. “So,” he started, “there's something I’ve been meaning to ask you, and I believe you owe me one.” He busied himself with reapplying the ointment, the bandages remaining clean and unused on the table as the wound was already healed enough to leave them off entirely.

Deep down, Alhaitham knew this statement to be true, so he hummed in silent agreement. Distantly, he was aware of how pliant he was being, and partially, he knew to blame his illness for it. Perhaps he was also simply too tired to keep on fighting with Kaveh, especially when he knew there wasn't anything substantial to argue about. How much sense was there to arguments just for the sake of arguing when time was running through his fingers like sand?

 Quietly, Kaveh screwed the lid of the ointment shut and placed it on the ground. The sound it made upon meeting the wooden planks rang through their living room with a dull thudding.

“Your illness,” Kaveh began, “why didn't you say anything when you found out? Tighnari, Cyno and I, would we not have supported you?”

The question didn't come as a surprise to him. After all, Kaveh was the one who had found him in his office back then, bloody and weak.

Alhaitham had enough sense to know that an apology was long overdue. Still, how much would an apology be worth if the worst was yet to come? How could he smooth things over when he knew for a fact that he would continue to hurt him? Even though Kaveh didn’t consider him much of a friend, much less so a lover, he'd be foolish to assume his death would be received with insignificance.

Alhaitham had already made his arrangements.The liyuean funeral director he had contacted had sworn him her utmost secrecy. Everything had been dealt with in advance. Kaveh would inherit the house and he most certainly wouldn't be too happy about it.

When Alhaitham first found out about his illness, acceptance had come faster than he’d expected. With the first petal lying in the palm of his hand, his heart beating fast, he'd thought to himself that time had been more than patient with him. It had been a thing of inevitability. Had their relationship been more clear-cut, perhaps he would have felt more guilt about his own transgression. After all, isn't friendship a mutual agreement to stay within the expected perimeters of the relationship?

It was an open secret that Alhaitham tolerated most people. Kaveh however, he accepted, with all his flaws and difficulties. His feelings had always been a race against time and finally, fate had caught up with him. 

For Kaveh, the issue of Alhaitham's illness still remained unexplained. A part of him desperately wanted to talk about it, wanted to see how much he could tell without Kaveh catching wind of what truly happened back then.

Foolish as he was, he decided to indulge him. Perhaps his sickness had finally worn him down and made him weary with the way it always had him aching in one way or the other. If it wasn’t his body that was in anguish, then his heart felt more than compelled to do so in its stead. 

“I found out quite some time before Cyno and you figured it out,” he admitted. “Six months.”

Kaveh’s eyes widened and his fingers that had been playing with his shirt's collar stilled. “Six months?! And you didn't-”

“I was undecided,” Alhaitham cut in. 

Quietly, Kaveh sat down next to him on the divan, his face bathed in disbelief, his nose pale. “And you never even thought to confess? You never thought to confide in us?”

“I considered the repercussions and concluded that it would be pointless to tell. Why bother burdening them with the weight of my misplaced feelings?”

“That is wrong on so many levels, I don't even know where to start.”

Alhaitham turned his gaze towards Kaveh. “Then pray tell, if someone you didn't like confessed to you that they love you so much they're willing to die for it, what would you do? Let them down in kind when rejections of any kind could cause deadly harm? Or would you attempt to return the feelings and make everything worse?” His gaze was piercing. “It would be illogical and unnecessarily cruel.”

“I guess I would… try to see if the feelings could be mutual,” Kaveh replied reluctantly.

“And there you have your answer.” 

The thought of Kaveh, once again riddled with guilt over something he had no hand in, had become a common visitor in Alhaitham's mind. It was a mental image he did not welcome; one that had overstayed its welcome months ago. 

“And what if they loved you back and you just robbed yourself of your one chance at love?” It was the same debate they always ended up having all over again.

“It was an option I had already ruled out through thorough and time consuming research. I know them well and thus was able to come to my conclusion.”

“You know them well? Then I must know them as well, right? It's not like you have many friends.” Kaveh’s hands were balled into fists, digging into the fabric of his pants. “You still haven't told me their name.”

“And I will keep it that way,” he replied casually. “But it's true, you do know them.” It was a piece of information that came dangerously close to the truth.

Kaveh's lips were pressed into a tight line. “I guess it was idiotic of me to think your reasoning would be anything less than incomprehensible. Not that you've ever been one to change. The thought of you in a relationship? Preposterous. I must be out of my mind! You probably don't even touch yourself and would even less so allow someone else to do in return.”

Alhaitham turned his head to look at Kaveh, his patience wavering with each and every passing second. Sometimes, Kaveh's misinterpretations of his character did hit a nerve after all. 

“Do you think I'm a saint? That I never fall infatuated, that I never wish for mutual affection, for physical closeness? That I choose to remain untouched? I may be a scholar but I'm not a eunuch, Kaveh.”

“Are you not?” he answered quickly, his voice suddenly breathless. “It’s not like I’ve ever heard y-”  

“Isn't it unscholarly to just assume I never touch myself based on hearsay alone?”

“That’s- That’s most certainly not what I wanted to ask just now!”

Alhaitham was quite certain that was exactly what he wanted to ask about, all decency abandoned in the eye of his fiery nature. He watched the way Kaveh's Adam’s apple bopped up and down as he swallowed and readjusted his sitting position, his hand coming to rest over his lap. There was something about it that made his heart beat faster. 

Now curious, Alhaitham's eyes wandered further down.

Kaveh was hard.

He swallowed deeply and resisted the urge to avert his eyes. Now this was an interesting development. An idea began to blossom in his mind. 

“Oh?” he asked breathlessly, his eyes on the obvious tent in his roommate's pants. He couldn't stop himself from putting his book away to finally give him his full attention. “What’s gotten you so curious? Do you want to find out?” 

Kaveh’s breath caught in his throat. “You're asking if I want to find out whether you're sexually active or not?! Why would I- How would I even-”

Alhaitham's gaze was heavy, his eyes half-lidded. “I think you know how. Don't play coy, Kaveh.” There was this age old curiosity in his chest, this need to be had by Kaveh just once before it all would come crashing down. Even if it would only be for the sake of lust, it would still be better than not having had him at all.. 

“But you- you have someone you love!”

“And I got the surgery for it,” he lied matter of factly. The flowers in his chest shifted uncomfortably. “So I’d consider this a non-issue.” Perhaps the looming number over his head was getting to him after all. Alhaitham was desperate. He swallowed down petals which were trying to fight their way up his throat. 

Kaveh brushed his hair out of his face and watched him with unbelieving eyes. “You want me,” he concluded breathlessly. “Since when-”

“That hardly matters.”

Kaveh threw him a scandalized look. “It definitely does!” 

“Why?”

“You're asking me why?! How can you be so cold about this?”

“I'm not being cold about it, I'm simply being pragmatic.”

“Keep your semantics where they came from. We're talking about sex here. And you just suggested us as-” 

Alhaitham shoved all feelings aside and pushed through the tightness in his chest, putting all his embarrassment aside. Perhaps later on he'd be able to plead momentary insanity. “Then I'm going to spell it out for you. Do you want to fuck me or not?”

Kaveh looked seconds away from fainting. Aside from their heavy breaths, the room was completely silent.

“You just got hurt and-” 

Alhaitham grabbed Kaveh by the wrist, looking him in the eye. “Just answer, Kaveh. It's a simple yes or no question.” 

“Would you even let me touch you?” His voice came out sounding standoffish. “There’s no way you’d-”

“If it won’t kill you to do so? Sure.” The answer came quick, unfiltered. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“You-”

“You still haven't given me an answer. If you truly don't want to, feel free to reject me to your heart's content.”

Maybe it would kill him before his time was truly up, he thought. Of course, there was no way for Kaveh to know this. It was a prim and proper way out of a situation Alhaitham would never force him into. But if he were to agree…

Kaveh's cheeks were flushed red. Slowly, he lifted his hand and put it against Alhaitham’s cheek. Experimentally, he rubbed his thumb along his cheekbone. His eyes were big with wonder as he leaned in, his touches careful and new. 

“Archons. Read between the lines, won't you? Just for tonight.”

Just for tonight. So Kaveh was at least willing to sacrifice that much. It wasn't a full commitment, but much rather one single night that could still easily be dismissed as a lapse of judgement on Kaveh's part.

Alhaitham felt like he was taking advantage of him regardless. For once however, his body and mind were in a state of incongruence. 

Kaveh's hand was shaking as he pulled closer. “Can I … kiss you?” he eventually asked. It was unclear whether the question was directed at Alhaitham or himself. 

Alhaitham leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, opening them only to watch his roommate from under his lashes. “I’d like to see you try,” he taunted. 

Kaveh swallowed deeply and nodded to himself, for once at a loss for words. “Okay, sure. Yeah, I can-”

As soon as he got visual confirmation, Alhaitham closed the distance between them, making the choice for him.  With his head tilted, he pressed his lips against Kaveh’s. A small sound left Kaveh’s lips, a mixture between a sigh and a sound of surprise. It didn't take him long to reciprocate. The kiss was careful, soft like a whisper in the wind. 

It wasn't Alhaitham's first, but it certainly was his best. Not that he had much material to compare it to anyway. He could count the times people had kissed him on one hand. Alhaitham himself had never initiated a kiss before. Until now, that was. Some part of him was glad that Kaveh would be both his first and his last in that regard.

For a moment, he pulled away only for Kaveh’s hand to travel up his neck, finding refuge in his hair as he pulled him back in again. Their lips connected, this time with less curiosity and more desperation. When their noses bumped together, Alhaitham angled his head, opening his mouth to grant Kaveh better access. Their position was awkward as they were still sitting next to one another. For a short moment, Alhaitham felt soothed, the tightness in his chest replaced with a soft buzzing.

“Fuck it,” Kaveh then mumbled against his lips before swinging one leg over Alhaitham's lap, mounting him. They separated long enough for Kaveh to sling his arm around Alhaitham's neck before returning to it. One hand slid up to Kaveh’s waist, holding onto it for dear life.

He could feel Kaveh’s boner pressing against his bare stomach, but Alhaitham himself wasn't doing much better in that regard. There was a certain warmth filling his chest, swiftly travelling down his ribcage and for once, he found himself in an agreeable state of mind. 

“When have you become so shameless, Senior?” he asked between breaths, a smile on his lips.

“Oh shut up you. You started this,” Kaveh mumbled against his lips as he slid his tongue in. Alhaitham welcomed it with open arms. They didn't separate and he let his hand travel up Kaveh's back, diving into the hole of his blouse that exposed his tight back muscles. Alhaitham had half the mind to admit that he’d been fantasizing about doing exactly so ever since he'd first seen Kaveh wear it, but decided against it. 

Kaveh shivered against the touch, pressing himself even closer to his chest, his nose pressed against the soft skin of Alhaitham’s cheek as he halted for a moment to take a shuddering breath. 

“You’re so sensitive,” Alhaitham mumbled next to his ear, his lips pressing against the skin beneath it for the shortest of moments to wander down, leaving a hot trail of kisses down to the base of his neck. Kaveh exhaled lightly and put his hand on Alhaitham’s neck, letting his fingers run over his pulse point.  

“And you aren’t?” he replied, his voice uncharacteristically quiet as he closed his eyes and took hold of Alhaitham’s face, leading his lips back to his own. He stopped right before they could touch. “Tell me why you would want this,” he breathed against his lips. “I still don’t get what led to this. Tell me I’m not hallucinating.”

A chuckle escaped Alhaitham’s lips. “Do you feel like telling me what else you fantasize about in your freetime?”

He could feel Kaveh’s cheeks heating up at the taunt. “I don’t understand you at all,” he bit back. 

“This is real. What reason would I have to ask for something I do not agree with?”

Seemingly, this was all that Kaveh needed to hear as he buried both hands in Alhaitham’s hair and kissed him with a fervour and with such a sudden intensity that Alhaitham felt his mind going blank. Kaveh tugged at his hair, lightly, carefully, and Alhaitham barely managed to suppress a groan.

Carefully, he untucked Kaveh’s shirt so he could let both hands roam freely while Kaveh’s mouth traveled further down to trail kisses along his jaw. The feeling of Kaveh's rib cage under his fingertips was a welcome distraction. 

When Kaveh reached the side of Alhaitham’s neck, he bit his skin lightly, waiting for a response before placing a soothing kiss on top. Quietly, he sucked a hickey against his pulse point and Alhaitham let him. Even if nothing else but the memory remained, at least the marks would be a reminder to bridge over his last days.

As Kaveh continued to suck mark after mark on his skin, Alhaitham regained what little remained of his common sense. A shuddery breath escaped his lips as he opened his mouth, his own erection now barely hidden. “Let’s take this…” he started, but was then interrupted as a gasp escaped his lips when Kaveh sucked at an especially sensitive spot below his ear.

Kaveh’s head shot up, the expression on his face incredulous, his pupils blown wide. “Archons, that was hot,” he blurted out to immediately move closer again, his hands cupping his face as he recaptured Alhatham’s lips. Alhaitham wrapped his arm around Kaveh’s waist and pulled him closer, one hand wandering further down until it came to rest right above Kaveh’s ass. He let it wander further down, giving it an experimental squeeze and when Kaveh took in a shuddery breath at the touch, he ground his ass further against Alhaitham’s now undeniable erection.  

Between kisses, Alhaitham tried to find room to talk. “Let’s take this to the bedroom,” he eventually managed to offer. Of course, he’d have nothing against getting his world rocked on their living room divan. Archons, he’d most definitely fantasized about it before, but there was a certain part of him that wanted this done properly. Also, there was another part of him that remembered the kind of back pain he tended to get after long reading sessions on the divan and concluded that he didn’t need a repeat of that right now.

Kaveh scrambled off him and grabbed his wrist, pulling Alhaitham with him as they headed towards his room. His pointer rubbed along Alhaitham’s skin, ghosting up and down as if he were afraid the loss of touch would break the magic of the moment. 

As soon as they were inside, they didn’t even care enough to close the door behind them. Who was there to see them anyway? This was their home.

They stumbled into Kaveh’s sheets, Kaveh going first and pulling Alhaitham with him. “Now where were we?” Alhaitham pondered and Kaveh made a face, but chose to stay quiet for once. Instead, he goaded Alhaitham closer. “I think,” he began, “we were in the middle of something.” 

“And what would that have been?”

Kaveh shut him up with his lips, his eyebrows slightly creased. He pushed Alhaitham further into the bed, crawling on top of him. Alhaitham realized that he didn't mind lying beneath him at all. The weight of Kaveh’s body on top of his own felt strangely grounding. Kaveh's arms were caging him in and he felt safe. 

In bed, Kaveh was the same as he was in a heated argument: Overly eager and passionate to a fault. His hands wandered down towards Alhaitham's waistband, slipping underneath the tight fabric. Carefully, his fingertips started to explore all the edges and ridges, travelling over strong hip bones and his v-line, coming dangerously close to his boner.

“How do we want to do this,” he mumbled, halting momentarily. 

Although Alhaitham would be fine either way, he had a specific image in mind. He hooked his leg over Kaveh’s waist and flipped them over to tilt Kaveh’s head to the side with his pointer. Although his expression was gobsmacked, Kaveh let him. Alhaitham's nose brushed over the sensitive skin on his neck as he leaned in close to whisper in his ear. “Haven't I said it before? I want you to fuck me.” 

Kaveh stared up at him, his lips parted and eyes glazed over with want.

When there was no answer, Alhaitham pressed his lips against Kaveh’s neck, leaving a particularly dark hickey right where everyone would be able to see it. Kaveh let out a shuddering breath, his eyes closed.

When he opened his eyes again, his cheeks were flushed. He turned his head to the side before looking up at Alhaitham again. “Leave it to you to be this unromantic.”

“Next time I’ll light a candle or two.”

“Because a candle would fix things.”

Alhaitham laughed quietly and put his head down against Kaveh’s chest, but not before pressing a soft kiss against it. 

“What else would you expect from me then?” It was a ridiculous thing to ask, perhaps even masochistic to a degree, since Kaveh had stated quite clearly that their sexual encounter would be a one time only thing. Alhaitham swallowed the hurt and turned it into blossoms against Kaveh’s skin when he didn't answer. As Alhaitham travelled further down, Kaveh’s eyebrows knit together and his tongue darted past his lips. It was a beautiful sight and Alhaitham ached. He mouthed at the cloth keeping him separated from Kaveh’s cock, rubbing his cheek over it. 

“What are you doing?” Kaveh mumbled as his hand buried itself in Alhaitham’s hair, running through the silky tresses. Alhaitham closed his eyes and enjoyed the sensation. After a moment, he hummed in reply. 

“Didn't you want to-”

“Get fucked by you? Yes, all in good time.”

Kaveh let out a frustrated noise. “Argh! Stop saying it like that, it’s weird hearing it come out of your mouth!”

Alhaitham leaned on his elbow. One hand travelled up, caressing Kaveh’s chest, grazing over his rosy nipple and pinching it slightly, while the other began to undo his zipper. Kaveh’s cock sprung free, and it was nothing less than a sight to see. Alhaitham whistled through his teeth.

“Don’t even start,” Kaveh pleaded from parted lips. Alhaitham removed his hand and Kaveh cracked an eye open almost immediately. 

“I was simply going to comment on how you are incredibly well endowed for a man of your stature. Studies say-

“Oh my god, just shut up!” Kaveh whined, hiding his face in the crook of his elbow. 

Alhaitham took the opportunity to place a soft kiss against the shaft, looking up to observe Kaveh’s reaction. It was obvious he had felt it from the way his hips twitched and his lips parted. When Alhaitham ran the flat of his tongue from the base up to the tip, slowly and testingly, Kaveh’s resolve to stay quiet seemed to crumble. His lips moved quietly, spelling out a flurry of words. A shaky breath escaped his lips.

Alhaitham added his hand, stroking it up and down as he lowered his head. After all, there was no one who knew how to rile Kaveh up quite like him. After a few more pumps and a few more loving caresses of Kaveh’s ballsack, Alhaitham opened his mouth and took Kaveh’s dick in. It was hot to the touch and slightly salty to the taste. Experimentally, he swirled his tongue around, lapping at the head.

“Alhaitham!” The sound that escaped Kaveh’s lips came out sounding half-scandalized, half-breathless. 

Alhaitham hummed at the call of his name and their eyes met. Kaveh’s eyes were watery, half-lidded and glazed over with lust. Alhaitham made sure not to break eye contact as he sank down further. Kaveh’s dick hit the back of his throat, but he felt challenged to take it even further. For a moment, he breathed in through his nose, forcing his throat to relax as he welcomed Kaveh in. Once the feeling of discomfort started to subside, he started bopping his head further down, his hair falling into his eyes. All of a sudden, Kaveh’s hand was in his hair, pushing it back for him and pinning it behind his ear with care.  

“Where did you-” Kaveh gasped, his voice raspy. “ Where did you learn to do that?”

Alhaitham hummed in the back of his throat and pulled back again before sinking down further. Kaveh’s grip on his hair tightened and Alhaitham felt the desire burning hot in his abdomen when Kaveh’s dick twitched inside of his throat. 

“I think I’m gonna-”

Alhaitham lifted an eyebrow, his sight set on Kaveh and Kaveh alone as he picked up the pace. 

Kaveh’s hand tapped his head, slow at first, then more urgently. Alhaitham slid his hand over Kaveh’s thigh, gripping it, giving it a reassuring squeeze as he swallowed around Kaveh’s twitching cock and welcomed the warm cum shooting down his throat, accompanied by Kaveh’s groan of relief. Alhaitham watched the way his eyelids fluttered shut as he orgasmed. When the twitching calmed down, Alhaitham pulled off with a pop, the taste of Kaveh’s cum still strong on his tongue.

“Archons, Alhaitham.” Kaveh propped himself up again, his chest heaving up and down as he ran his hand through his disheveled hair.

“I thought you wanted me to shut up? That’s what I did,” Alhaitham replied nonchalantly as he wiped his mouth. 

Kaveh leaned forward, his hands still shaky from his orgasm as he reached around Alhaitham’s neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss. It was a sloppy, needy thing. The kiss was enough to remind the roots residing in Alhaitham’s lungs to tighten their grasp.

Although they hadn't set any boundaries, it was strange to be able to kiss Kaveh without any repercussions and even stranger to be kissed back so passionately. Alhaitham knew that there would be no coming back from this once the night was over. He swallowed the cough that was threatening to escape.   

Kaveh’s hand started to wander, first exploring Alhaitham’s tight back muscles, then wandering down to find refuge in the small of his back. The sensation made Alhaitham’s skin tingle. Then Kaveh’s hands travelled further down, grabbing onto Alhaitham’s ass. 

He had been staying quiet for a while now and it was putting Alhaitham on edge. The roots in his chest were starting to stir again, unruly and nervous, edging him on to say or do something to make it all better, to change the fate he had already come to terms with.  

When Kaveh’s lips went off track, pressing down against his cheek, along his jawbone and up behind his ear, Alhaitham tilted his head, deciding to simply relish in what he was given. 

Kaveh nibbled at the sensitive skin near his throat, leaving another mark. While they were lost in each other's touch, Kaveh reached behind without looking back, struggling as he tried to open the drawer near his bed to pull out a small ampoule. He threw it onto the bed next to them. “Lube,” he explained. 

They both reached for it at the same time. 

“Let me help,” he started, when at the same time, Alhaitham opened his mouth as well. 

“I can do it myself just fine.”

Kaveh’s hands slid up his throat, coming to rest there. “You-” He cleared his throat. “You  sucked me off. Let me return the favor.”

Alhaitham let out a deep breath. The thought of Kaveh’s fingers, rough and skilled as they were, buried inside of him, was enough to make his heart thump at a faster pace. “Also… it’s embarrassing that I’m the only one who’s completely naked.”

Alhaitham’s eyes wandered down again. 

“Hey! Are you even listening to me?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. I was just distracted for a moment.”

“Distracted? You were definitely staring. Stop staring! Okay that’s it!” Without any warning Kaveh pushed Alhaitham down against the mattress, his hands firm on his shoulders.

Decidedly, he let both hands slide further down, from Alhaitham’s broad chest down to his pants. When he undid his zipper, his hand brushed over his bulge and Alhaitham shivered, his hips bucking upwards to chase the feeling.

Kaveh took note of the movement, but returned to the task at hand. It was a struggle to get Alhaitham out of his pants, but in the end he managed to pull through. Alhaitham was propped up on one elbow, watching the way Kaveh sat face to face with Alhaitham’s black briefs. 

“Chickening out?”

Kaveh threw him an annoyed look as he hooked his thumbs under the expensive fabric, his fingernails grazing Alhaitham’s skin as he pulled the piece of clothing past his hips. Alhaitham’s cock sprung free, the cold air hitting it with a vengeance.

“Of course you have to be flawless in that regard too,” Kaveh mumbled. 

“What was that?”

Kaveh let out a deep breath and ran his hand along his temple. “Come here.”

“What for?” When Alhaitham didn’t follow suit, only leaning back further to throw Kaveh a taunting look, Kaveh wrapped his arms around his thighs and pulled him closer. 

“Can you at least try not to be actively difficult?”

“But where would be the fun in that?”

Kaveh took the ampoule and unscrewed it, pouring a generous amount of lube into his palm. He made sure that his fingers were properly coated before he moved closer.

“I’m about to enter you and you really think this is the time to be joking?”

Alhaitham spread his legs a bit wider when Kaveh came to rest between them. The feeling of Kaveh’s lube-coated finger circling his hole was strange, but not unwelcome. When Kaveh’s free hand slid up his thigh, massaging it slowly, reassuringly, Alhaitham relaxed. A part of him wanted to slide his hand over Kaveh’s, wished to entangle their hands to keep them connected, but he knew he’d be crossing an invisible boundary if he were to do so. Instead, he buried one hand in the pillow above his head and nodded at Kaveh to keep going. 

Kaveh applied some more lube before he positioned his pointer and carefully applied more pressure to push it in. As he rubbed soothing circles into Alhaitham’s thigh he managed to push past the tight ring of muscle and kept going until he was more than knuckle-deep. He started to move his finger at an agonizingly slow pace, meticulous in execution as he tried to get Alhaitham used to the feeling. The sensation was neither good nor bad, so Alhaitham found no problem with it. Of course, he had tried fucking himself on his fingers before, but it was a different story when it was somebody else doing it to you. A minute passed.

“Kaveh, add another,” he simply said when he felt ready. Kaveh looked up at him for a short moment, his gaze focused. He pulled out and added the second finger without any issues. The stretch felt sweet and did not sting thanks to the lube. It was a feeling of fullness Alhaitham rarely got to experience. The fact that it came from Kaveh’s fingers alone made his erection feel almost painfully stiff. He’d been hard for a while now and the lack of relief was becoming more apparent by the minute. Alhaitham noticed his thoughts becoming more hazy and all over the place. When Kaveh curled the two fingers, grazing past an especially sensitive bundle of nerves, his eyes fell shut, and his fist tightened around the pillowcase. A low sigh escaped his lips. Kaveh’s movements slowed at the sound. He turned his head, lowered it and pressed a quick kiss against his thigh. 

“Are you okay?” he asked after.

It took Alhaitham a moment until he was able to form proper thoughts again. “Add another one.” There was a quiver to his voice that he wasn’t used to. 

Kaveh obliged. “Wait a moment, I think it’s a bit…”

Alhaitham grunted in response at the first wave of discomfort. “Tight. Use more lube.”

Kaveh did as he was told and tried again, this time with even more care. Slowly, he added finger number three, pushing it past that tight ring of muscles to join the first two. Once the worst part was over, Kaveh went back to pressing kisses against Alhaitham’s thigh as he started to scissor him open. When he was knuckles-deep again, spreading and pumping his fingers to ease what was about to come, he sucked a dark mark into the skin of Alhaitham’s thigh. A moan, low and breathy, escaped his lips and his untouched dick twitched with the first pearls of precum. 

Kaveh continued to prepare him thoroughly. “Hey,” he mumbled against Alhaitham’s thigh that was starting to bear the first few dark marks. He pressed another sloppy kiss against the sensitive inside and Alhaitham shivered. 

Begging was far too much effort, but if Kaveh kept going like this, perhaps he’d have to reconsider.

Alhaitham grabbed Kaveh’s chin and turned his head. “If you keep this going I’m going to come.”

Kaveh continued to push his fingers in deeper, curling them towards the end, making Alhaitham quiver. As usual, Kaveh showed himself annoyingly averse to his suggestions.

“Kaveh.” Alhaitham propped himself up further, the feeling of Kaveh’s fingers inside him now so much more sweet and taunting. He had half the mind to press into the touch. “Won’t you give me your huge cock, Senior?”

Kaveh’s movements stilled and his ears flushed bright red. 

Carefully, he pulled out his fingers before pulling Alhaitham in for a long kiss. “I can’t believe you,” he mumbled against his lips, his breath hot. “How can you just say stuff like that, are you not embarrassed?!”

“Not in the slightest, no.”

Alhaitham pushed Kaveh onto his back, all patience lost in the heat of the moment. “Stop wasting our time.” He straddled Kaveh’s hips, his dick, already hard again, lying nestled in-between Alhaitham’s ass cheeks. Teasingly, he rubbed his ass against Kaveh’s boner. Kaveh threw his head back. “Okay, okay, I got it. Let’s do this.”

Alhaitham lifted his hips, Kaveh’s dick now lined up with his entrance. He squeezed a generous amount of lube onto it, smearing it across the tip just to see the way it made him squirm. His free hand was splayed across Kaveh’s chest, pinching his nipple as he started to lower himself onto Kaveh’s dick.

The stretch was good, slightly uncomfortable at first, but not painful. Kaveh let him go at his own pace, allowing him to get used to the feeling. He rubbed his hands over Alhaitham’s thighs in support. Alhaitham grabbed them, guiding them to rest on his hips instead. Kaveh was now halfway buried inside, and Alhaitham’s patience was running thin. He breathed in through his nose, out through his mouth and let one hand slide over Kaveh’s, grabbing onto it as he sank down to the hilt.

Once he was fully settled, a strange feeling started to fill him up. Alhaitham was rarely one to get emotional, yet all of a sudden, he felt like he was close to tearing up. It was a certain kind of closeness he had never gotten to experience with Kaveh before.  He turned his head away, coughing shortly as Kaveh ran his hands over Alhaitham’s ass, kneading his toned cheeks. 

Without any warning Alhaitham leaned forward, capturing Kaveh’s lips with his own. As he leaned forward, he felt the pull at his rim as their position changed and Kaveh bucked his hips to accommodate for it.

“Jesus, you’re tight,” he breathed out between kisses. Alhaitham began to lift his hips slowly, releasing Kaveh’s cock just to push his hips back down again. Kaveh’s cock reached deep down, brushing a sensitive spot, making Alhaitham swallowed deeply, all words lost to lust. When he lifted his hips again he pulled out too far and Kaveh’s cock slipped out. 

When he reached around to slip it back in, Kaveh stopped him.

“Let’s switch positions. You’re still recovering.” He sat back up, his legs crossed, and pulled Alhaitham onto his lap, his back flush against Kaveh’s chest. Kaveh testingly pushed his fingers back inside Alhaitham’s hole, stretching it some more. A low moan escaped Alhaitham’s lips and he let his head fall back as his vision threatened to blur.

“Get on with it, Kaveh,” he groaned, his impatience barely hidden.

 Kaveh pressed a hot trail of kisses along his neck as he pulled out his fingers and lined his cock back up with Alhaitham’s hole. “Stop being so impatient,” he mumbled back and pressed past the tight ring of muscles. “Aren’t you the one who always preaches that patience is a virtue?”

As soon as Kaveh was buried inside of him again, Alhaitham pushed his hips down to swallow him whole. It was a nice feeling that was only disturbed by the urgency of his erection and the shortness of his breath. He started to bounce up and down and Kaveh met him along the way, thrusting where he couldn’t reach.

“There's no scar, I thought there'd be one,” Kaveh suddenly mumbled as he pounded into him. He let his hand run along the sensitive skin of his chest, letting it run down until it reached his abdomen, ghosting over the fresh pink scar. “There's only this one,” he mumbled. “And this one, I remember well.” 

Kaveh buried his face in the crook of Alhaitham's neck, breathing in deeply as he kept talking in spite of Alhaitham’s silence. “You smell like mourning flowers…” he mumbled. “They've always been my favourite.” 

Alhaitham suppressed a cough, trying to focus on the sensation of Kaveh's cock buried to the hilt inside of him. He threw his head backwards until it rested against Kaveh’s shoulder and let out a shuddery breath. A bead of sweat ran down his temple. 

“You talk too much. Get on with it,” he said impatiently, trying to press his hips down further until Kaveh caved in, snaking one hand up Alhaitham’s bare chest as he returned to his rhythm and gave a proper thrust.

“Yeah, yeah,” he murmured into Alhaitham’s neck, pressing open mouthed kisses against it as he tried to maintain a steady rhythm. “Maybe you just don’t talk enough. Have you ever considered that? Wait, scratch that. I don’t need you running your mouth more than you already do.”

“Which one is it,” Alhaitham forced out between heavy breaths. “Do you want me to shut up or be more vocal?”

Kaveh ran his tongue along the salty skin on Alhaitham's neck and wrapped his arm around his torso, pulling him even closer. When Alhaitham let out a shaky breath, Kaveh's lips curled into a smile against his skin. His next thrust hit the bull’s eye. With this new angle, Kaveh now had perfect access to reach that sensitive bundle of nerves. He gave another big thrust and Alhaitham left out a stuttering breath as the tip of his cock leaked with more precum. His heartbeat was fast, almost erratic now as he felt himself teetering closer and closer on the edge. 

The hold Kaveh had on his body was warm and reassuring. As Alhaitham found himself surrounded by Kaveh’s scent, the reality of the situation suddenly set in. Kaveh was fucking him, for the first and only time, and Alhaitham would soon see the light for it. That annoying tightness in his chest returned with a vengeance when Kaveh kissed his neck and nibbled at the sensitive skin, mouthing words he didn’t understand against his skin. 

He couldn't take this much longer. Alhaitham moved his hips to accompany Kaveh’s thrusts, attempting to chase his finish with a newfound desperation. Kaveh seemed to notice, since his grip tightened and his thrusts turned more targeted. His hand traveled further down, coming to rest flat against Alhaitham's abdomen, caressing it, pressing down on it. The next thrust hit just the right spot and finally, Alhaitham felt his orgasm, tight like a fist, coming in strong as Kaveh gave a few last shaky thrusts, pulling Alhaitham's waist down one last time until he spilled inside of him. 

Alhaitham felt a tear roll down his cheek. Then, a wetness coming from his nose followed. It dripped down his chest, down his leg as he tried to take in a deep breath and found himself unable to. The tightness in his chest wasn't something he could simply ignore anymore. It was urgent now. Alhaitham coughed again and a rain of petals spilled as the post-orgasm exhaustion hit him. 

“Alhaitham, what…” Kaveh's voice sounded strangely far off. 

Alhaitham pulled off Kaveh's cock, the sudden emptiness nauseating, the dribble of cum running down his inner thigh strange. In a daze, he wiped his cheek before turning back around.

Kaveh was leaning back, one hand lifted and his mouth open in shock. Alhaitham simply stared back at him. The room was dead silent. 

“You never got the surgery in the first place,” Kaveh stated, his voice shaky and raw. For once, Alhaitham found no words to say. There was nothing that would fix what he had just broken anyway. “Don't you know that this could kill you?! I can't believe you right now. You lied not only to me, but to all of us! It could still kill you! As always, all you care about is yourself!”

Alhaitham turned to look at him and remained quiet.

“I'm going to get washed up.” His thighs were still shaking from the strain and he almost stumbled when he got up, picked up his underwear and left Kaveh behind on his bed. 

Alhaitham was staring down his reflection in the mirror. When making a detrimental decision, he rarely ever considered his own emotions to be a contributing factor. Now, for the first time, he found himself wondering if maybe he should have done so after all. 

It was supposed to be a one-time thing. A washing of hands, if one might say so. A quick and easy release. It was supposed to be his one chance to witness what it might be like to be loved, to be wanted by Kaveh, if only for the duration of a single night. Now,  Kaveh's words tasted like iron on his tongue, heavy and red.

The moment he dropped the suggestion, Alhaitham had known he was done for. Yet still, Kaveh hadn’t scoffed at the suggestion, didn’t laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Something about it must have tempted him. For once, Alhaitham couldn’t understand Kaveh's reasoning. 

Now, the cat was out of the bag and there was no way to shove it back inside. His chest felt tight, constricted, his hands were shaking as he grabbed onto the sink for dear life. There was a certain kind of nausea filling his gut, making him feel uncomfortably close to fainting. Perhaps this was it.

Alhaitham took a good look at his dishevelled presence in the mirror; he should clean himself up. Normally, he'd scoff at the stickiness of it all, bail from the sensation. However, he was far too aware of the fact that once he got out of the shower, most traces of what had taken place would be gone. The marks on his skin would vanish in no time, leaving nothing but painful memories behind. It would be just another thing for Kaveh to regret. 

For once, Alhaitham felt his unwavering psyche crumble, his body still warm from his orgasm, his skin abandoned after having been cherished too dearly. There was so much he still craved and so little left to take. Then his legs, traitorous things that they were, gave in. Alhaitham had enough sense to cling to the edge of the bathtub with one hand as he swayed backwards. The flower that had been lodged in his chest, kept there for safekeeping, finally threatened to break free. 

There was no way for him to breathe. A choked sound escaped his lips as he tried to cough it out, but it wasn't enough. A trickle of blood escaped his nose, dripping onto the bathroom tiles. Alhaitham could feel the sound repeating in his head like a taunt. 

With shaky fingers he reached inside his mouth and broke the flower free. It dislodged after a painful tug, landing next to his side. The inside of his throat felt raw and open. His breathing was flat and painful.

All he wanted was Kaveh. Alhaitham felt like a petulant child with how often the thought seemed to run through his mind as of late. 

And what now? He had gotten what he wanted, hadn't he? What was there left to unearth and ruin?

Another mourning flower was quick to follow. They were Kaveh’s favourites. What a joke. 

For a moment, Alhaitham allowed his head to drop into his hands. He had taunted and teased, had kept his heart locked away behind the doors of a glass house. Finally, he had allowed Kaveh to fill him up and hold him close, the traces of him still sticky against his skin. Perhaps it was time to accept that he’d finally reached his breaking point. 

For the first time in years, Alhaitham felt the need to cry. The last time he did was when his grandmother had passed. A tear slipped past the hand that had come to cover his eyes. Another whole flower broke free, a particularly big one, and it wasn't pretty. He was exhausted, the marks on his skin a grim reminder. 

Alhaitham couldn't say how long he'd been sitting on the bathroom floor until he heard a knock. 

He did not move, just sat there even when he heard someone enter the bathroom. 

Still, he refused to look up. There was a sharp intake of breath cutting the silence of the room in half. 

Then, familiar hands slid over his own, carefully prying them off his face. 

“Hey.” There it was. Of course, it just had to be him again. 

“What is it,” he replied. His own voice sounded strange and foreign to him, void of any emotion. Reluctantly, he pried his eyes back open. Kaveh was staring at him, his eyebrows knit together and eyes wet, so full of worry that it made him nauseous. Despite his overly emotional disposition, Kaveh was rarely one to cry. From time to time there would be this deer in the headlights look on his face that Alhaitham deeply disliked for various reasons, but Kaveh never cried. This was different. 

Carefully, almost like one would approach a wounded animal, Kaveh lifted his hand. “Let's get you-”

“No.”

“Alhaitham-”

“Leave it.” Harsh words were followed by an even harsher cough. Petals, bloody, sopping wet and weeping, were trying to break free. “Don't concern yourself with this.”

“Why didn't you get the surgery?” Kaveh exclaimed, his voice rising with emotion. His hands were balled into fists by his side.  

A sound escaped his lips, a mix between a cough and a scoff.

“Did something go wrong, were there any complications? You must’ve had a reason aside from your infuriating bullheadedness.”

“I didn't get it because I refused to,” Alhaitham confessed calmly. 

“You're still not over-”

“How could I be?”

Kaveh reached for Alhaitham's hand, but he pulled it away before he could reach it. 

“Then why did you sleep with me?! Answer me, Alhaitham!”

“What do you want me to say? That I should’ve known better? I am perfectly aware of that already.”

“Who is it?”

After all that happened tonight, Kaveh still managed to remain stubbornly clueless. A dry chuckle escaped his lips. “Your head isn't solely for decorative purposes. Use it.” The words came out sounding too raw, too close to the truth.

When Kaveh tried to reach for Alhaitham again, he paused.

Alhaitham coughed up another bloody petal into his palm and Kaveh just stared. Carefully, he reached out and pried Alhaitham's bloody hand open. His fingernails scraped against his palm as he picked up the petal, turning it over in his hand until something in his brain finally clicked.

“Mourning flowers,” he repeated, the words he'd uttered in the heat of the moment begging to make sense as clarity hit him. “They’ve always been my favourite,” he said slowly, his voice breaking at the realization. A minute passed. “Tell me that I'm wrong. Come on, tell me my conclusion is incorrect. You're so quick to do it any other day.”

When Alhaitham's gaze remained fixed to the opposite wall, Kaveh swallowed thickly. “You are being serious.”

Alhaitham avoided making eye contact with him, his eyes lined red. Another droplet of blood escaped his nose and he let it drip, lacking both the energy and the will to clean it up again. The liquid ran past his lips, over his chin and down onto his chest. There would be so much more to come, so what would be the use to clean it up now? His only regret was that Kaveh was there to witness it all. Despite himself, his eyes felt heavy. 

Finally, Kaveh couldn't take it anymore. He sat down across from him, the bathroom tiles cold against his thighs as he inched closer. He closed the distance between them and without asking, he pulled Alhaitham into a tight embrace, his head burying into his shoulder. 

Alhaitham's head fell against his chest.

Words he couldn't hear were uttered against his skin and he allowed them to rest there in the space between their bodies. 

“Why do you insist on suffering for my sake?” Kaveh mumbled, all anger blown away. His hands were shaking as they carded through Alhaitham's hair. 

“Who said I did it for your sake?” he replied slowly before his body was shaken with another suffocating cough and Kaveh only held him tighter. When his breathing calmed again, he leaned his cheek against his shoulder, exhausted. “Let it go, Kaveh. I know very well what is and what isn't possible. I never expected to bite off more than I can chew.”

“You're so full of it! If you've given up all hope, then why did you still sleep with me?” The expression on his face was wild, guilty. This was exactly what Alhaitham had been trying to avoid. 

“Why indeed. Perhaps I simply like being selfish.”

“When have you ever cared about being considerate for someone else's sake?!”

Alhaitham chose to remain quiet. He felt light headed and closed his eyes. 

“Alhaitham, hey.”

Exhaustion was pulling at his bones as every new breath came out rattling and rough. Because I like to have you in my life. And I’d like to keep you by my side until the very end. 

Kaveh suddenly pulled back, his eyebrows high and expression shocked. “Say that again.”

“I said that out loud? Oh well. My bad.” 

“How can you be so calm about this, can't you see-”

“Didn't I already say this was none of your concern?” he cut in. 

Kaveh clenched his fists. “Why won't you even consider the possibility that I don't want to see you die!”

“Because you have no say in the matter.”

“Arguably, I am the only other person who gets to have a say in the matter!” Kaveh emphasized. 

“And why would that be?”

“Because I love you, you inconsiderate oat! You don't just get to leave me all alone like this! Iif you think I’ll just let you do that you have a big storm coming!”

Alhaitham spit out another mouthful of petals as he let one hand rest across his chest. “Repeat that for me,” he said weakly. 

“You were the one who said you got the surgery. I thought you were over it! How could I have known…”

“You would have felt guilty if I had told you. There was no need to burden you with my feelings if it would only push you for an answer you couldn't give.”

“But I am giving you the answer you need right now, am I not? So accept it!” Kaveh's voice was shaky. “Why else would I have slept with you?” Slowly, Kaveh entangled his fingers with Alhaitham's, pulling their entwined hands close to his chest. “Tell me what you want from me.” 

Alhaitham looked up and their eyes met. Slowly, he ran his hand over Kaveh's cheek, running his thumb under his eye to catch a stray tear. “Everything,” he said. “You know I'm a selfish man. Whatever you are willing to offer, I'll take.”

Kaveh leaned into the touch.

“Then kiss me already.”

Alhaitham pulled close, and when he hesitated for a moment, Kaveh closed the distance between them, making the choice for him. 

“Well, who do we have here again?” Tighnari asked, his tone dry and his arms crossed as he entered the room. Alhaitham and Kaveh were sitting next to one another, their thighs touching casually. 

“Tighnari! You are a sight for sore eyes!” Kaveh exclaimed as he placed his right palm over his heart. “A stubborn idiot and a bullheaded fool, that’s what you have here.”

“As you can see, Kaveh has stooped low enough to resort to verbal abuse.” Alhaitham explained as he nodded at Tighnari.

“Verbal abuse?! I think I have every right to be cross with you right now! Okay Tighnari, so help me settle a bet here, do you think that-”

Tighnari lifted his hand to pause Kaveh’s incoming rant. “How come every time you call for me you two have something entirely new going on?”

Kaveh threw him a pleading look. “Come on Tighnari, this will be the last time!”

“Based on either of your penchants for getting yourself in trouble,” he threw them a pointed look, “I highly doubt that. Don’t tell me you’ve called me again when you really should’ve gone to the Bimarstan instead”

Kaveh scratched the back of his head in a sheepish manner. “Well, it’s not not your area of expertise. And we actually just came back from the Bimarstan. Not that Alhaitham would’ve gone out of his own free will, so of course I had to drag him along.” 

“For all intents and purposes, the trip was pretty useless,” Alhaitham threw in, earning him a heated glare from Kaveh’s side. “Considering how I was already healthy again once we got there.”

This piqued Tighnari’s curiosity. Finally, he sat down on the divan closest to the two, one leg thrown over the other, his torso leaning forward. When he did so, Tighnari took note of something strange.

“Are you two holding hands?” he asked without missing a beat. When he leaned closer and inspected his two friends some more, he noticed more little details. “Kaveh, are those hickeys that I see?” Kaveh’s cheeks heated up in the span of mere seconds and he dropped Alhaitham’s hand instantly. “Tighnari! You can’t just… It’s not-!” he started, then stopped himself. His eyes darted to the side quickly, hurriedly. When he returned his gaze to Alhaitham, a silent conversation seemed to pass between the two.

Kaveh raised his eyebrows at Alhaitham before nodding towards Tighnari. Alhaitham stared at him, then shrugged, which seemed to anger Kaveh, making him gesture even more wildly. Alhaitham shrugged in reply once more.

“It’s exactly what it looks like,” he then simply said, his voice just as monotone as it always was. A beat passed. “My disease was caused by my feelings for him and I lied about getting the surgery for it.”

Kaveh’s cheeks were still rosy. “See, this is what I was talking about! He is the most  impossible man! Just outright admitting to lying like that… With absolutely zero shame, one might add!”

“For all it’s worth, I am sorry,” Alhaitham threw in smoothly. 

Kaveh looked shell shocked as he turned to Tighnari, his face in complete disbelief. Alhaitham grabbed his wrist when Kaveh didn’t reply. He pursed his lips and kept his head turned away for another moment. Only his hand reached out to lock his pinkie with Alhaitham's.

Alhaitham lifted his hand to his cheek until he finally looked at him again. Then, he kissed him softly.

Tighnari slapped his palms on top of his thighs. “Alright! And that would be my cue to go! It was nice seeing you, but please don’t ever call me for something like that ever again. Bye!!” 

“Oops,” Alhaitham said dishonestly. Kaveh slapped his shoulder. 

“You did that on purpose just so I wouldn’t be able to ask him to play judge.”

“Did I now?”

“You most definitely did. I suppose I’ll have to give him your flowers some other day then. We owe him and like this, they can at least serve a purpose.”

Finally, Kaveh looked at Alhaitham again. Slowly, he lifted his hand and caressed his cheek. Alhaitham leaned into the touch and smiled.

[pinkverbena]

[My english is not the best, sorry, it's a little frustrating]

//CAUTION!: sensitive topics, violence, use of alcohol and cigarettes, depression, lack of mental health, abuse, other themes.

I had thought that this oc would not appear in the main story of F&H 2, but as a deuteragonist for a extra story (takes place in the year 1946) after a hypothetical ''Ending B'' of Pavel Yudin - Pav, in which the main theme happens in an Europan neighborhood. I've abandoned the whole concept because it was just an unfinished story and i lost some motivation to continue.

⇢✎ ɪᴍᴘᴏʀᴛᴀɴᴛ ɴᴏᴛᴇꜱ ༉‧₊˚.

''Bathing with soap...makes me happy'' (possibly the most insipid person you will ever meet)

----------------------------------------------

Sho Seimei, is a pathetic and insecure person from Kingdom of Edo, who works in an office, generally has functions of organizing data and information related to work and various tasks, calm, awkward and sometimes scold the coworkers who tend to slack off.

This office worker is a neighbor of the former lieutenant Pav, on certain occasions they tend to annoy each other around, the other residents of the neighborhood believe that there are hatred involved. Both are certainly sharp in their conversations, despite that there is no hostility to the point of fight to death. Pav finds it funny that he doesn't pick up on some of his jokes or harsh comments, considering Sho as a ''bitter brat'' and one occasion criticized his office shoes (Sho doesn't like those either).

They don't share many things in common, except that at certain times when the neighbors aren't gossiping, Pav and Sho share a pack of cigarettes. These two have barriers against showing their true feelings so they don't usually say much of what they think, Pav tells little about his experience in Prehevil and his deep hatred towards the Kaiser. Sho realized that Pav didn't care much about his future after killing the Kaiser and then leaving his position as lieutenant. Sho expresses to him that he could think better about what he wants to do since he was alive, although Pav is pessimistic about it and his revenge was one of the few things that comforted him in the past, without a new purpose now.

As the months go by, certain strange behavior and even some things like marks on the skin that Sho tries to hide, indicate that something was out of place and Pav know, so confronts him. Reluctantly, Sho confesses that he has been under threat from his boss for a long time, since the man himself not accept that he tried to quit the job, for now Sho has no a better place to work. Pav give a pistol he's been preserving for a while, telling him that maybe putting a bullet through that guy's head wouldn't be a bad idea. Sho feels strange about all this, but finally accepts because is conflicted about what decision to make and the police would do nothing if he tells them. Sho doesn't believe much in vengeful thoughts, Pav just joking...right?, or that was before he grabbed the pistol with trembling hands.

The next morning, Sho and other coworkers found out that the boss is dead in the basement of the office building and apparently his corpse has been used for ritualistic reasons, which this and other ''small events'' would cause a great series of disturbances in the neighborhood, while the authorities try to dissuade them by saying that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

--------------------------------------------

˚ ༘♡ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ɴᴏᴛᴇꜱ ´ˎ˗

●Quiet childhood (or from his perspective), didn't adapt well with other kids, he was a lonely child, spending more time with his parents.

●After his graduation and when Edo's borders was reopened, Sho traveled to Europa to seek new opportunities (around 1942).

●Since Sho became independent, his life has been quite complicated, even until now he tries to tell his parents through phone calls that everything is fine when that is not true.

●Nothing relevant but he is not attractive to other people, especially he has been singled out for his freckles, even in Edo, where they had more expectations for him to have perfect skin.

●Likes any type of alcohol, although if someone give him vodka, Sho will be happy.

●Sho has a skeleton toy in the closet, he found it in a trash can on a night of drinking and delirium, he misses his parents and is distanced from the attention of his neighbors and does not have good work relationships, the skeleton was his only company, until he got to know a certain ''eccentric shoe picky neighbor with vengeful impulses'', he uses his skeleton toy to annoy.

●Accepts feminine pronouns too, doesn't make much drama either but there is some shame involved in commenting about this topic, since many have questioned and mocked why is so versatile with pronouns, it can generate some anxiety.

●When his boss did...certain things to him, Sho didn't leave his apartment for days and refused to get out of bed, he looked more tired, tearful, shaky, the desire to bathe was distant. After the grotesque death of his superior, Sho found it difficult to move forward and face the horrors of the neighborhood.

[the-cookie-of-doom]

for a while now, I've really been doubting my career choices with nursing. I know a lot of it is burn out and depression, and being so overwhelmed between work, school, and clinical, that I didn't have time to breathe. I was in the hospital/on campus for 60 hours a week last semester, and that's not counting the time I had to study outside of that. It was awful. I quit my job because of it, I was almost involuntarily committed because of it.

But the scariest part for me has been how much I've hated clinical. It makes me miserable. And that's terrifying, because once I graduate? That's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. So if I already hate it now, what does that mean for my future?

Sometimes, though... Sometimes I'll have a clinical that is just so good, it reminds me of why I'm doing this. Why I'm putting myself through the pain and suffering of becoming a nurse, which is honestly one of the hardest careers a person can have. It's mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. It destroys your body and your mental health. Most of the time it's thankless. It doesn't pay nearly enough for what we go through.

Despite all of the reasons there are not to become a nurse, there are some patients that will remind you why it's all worth it anyway.

Last week, I had a crotchety old bitch of a patient. She had been in the hospital for 10 days, was refusing all of her treatments, screamed at anyone that came in her room, and demanded dilaudid around the clock, despite having no injuries to justify it. Everyone hated her. Her own nurses went in her room as little as possible; I think in the entire 12 hours I was there, her nurse spent maybe a total of 20 minutes in her room. I was in there for hours. A couple minutes at a time in the beginning just so she could warm up to me. Then I spent 2 straight hours at her bedside just talking to her. Letting her tell me her life story. Which was tragic, of course, and no wonder she was so run down and bitter and wanted to get high off narcotics. She was miserable, lonely, and in chronic pain from a body that was deteriorating around her.

So I spent as much time with her as possible. Sure enough, she didn't ask me for any pain medications a single time, once she realized she could trust I was going to look after her. I Explained her medications and her treatments, and the reasoning behind them. I offered to reach out to out chaplain when I noticed she was hyper focused on some televangical broadcast. I got her to call her son to come visit her. I got her to agree to take her medications and allow us to take blood sample for her labs, which were days overdue. I got her up and working with physical therapy so she could start walking again.

By the end of the day, that patient loved me. Not a single complaint all day, she wasn't screaming down the halls and cursing everyone's existence. She was still crotchety and mean in that way old hillbillies are, but she wasn't angry. She wasn't lashing out. She was finally being cooperative. All because I took the time to talk to her and offer her company.

Tonight, I had a shift in our mental health unit. There was a patient who I noticed was very withdrawn and avoiding everyone, mostly just standing in a corner at the end of the hall, by a window. I went down and talked to him. Kind of stilted at first, but slowly he opened up to me. I really only meant to talk for a few minutes, mostly for my own sake, to get used to interacting with mental health patients like this.

Instead, we talked for hours. Nearly 3 hours straight at the start of the day alone, and then more throughout the day. My feet were killing me by the end of it, but it was completely worth it to see the way this poor guy came to life. We talked about everything from social topics like music and movies, to his medications and treatments, and how to manage his depression once he leaves. Something I was able to connect with him about on a personal level in a way his nurse hadn't, because I've been living with depression for a decade, I've been on antidepressants, and I understand. I think that was the point it clicked for him, when he really started reaching out to me, instead of answering when I prompted him. Because humans need connection and understanding.

By the end of the day he was talking freely and smiling nearly non-stop. We'd made plans for him to get back into an old hobby he hadn't touched in years, and he seemed genuinely excited to start it back up again. He was nearly bouncing in place when I went to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and thanked me for talking to him all day. Even the staff nurses noticed the way his demeanor had completely changed.

Another patient (my actual patient for the night) started the day very combative. To the point she had to be redirected to her room (not locked up, just strongly encouraged to go and cool down). She was screaming at everyone, having some very serious and severe delusions. Same story; I talked to her throughout the day, little bits whenever she was feeling calm. I noticed she had a tattoo from an old semi-niche XBox game I used to play, and we bonded over that. By the end of the shift she loved me. Kept asking me if I'd gotten lunch/dinner, made sure all the other patients on the unit got their snacks, told us all to get some rest once it was curfew for the unit (we had to stay another 2 hours) and said we could use the spare bed in her room if we needed. Which sounds really weird but coming from her was incredibly sweet. Again, total attitude change.

I am very cognizant of the fact that the way I approach my patient care is largely a privilege of still being a student. It's easy for me to stand at a patient's bedside for 2 hours straight and listen to her life story when I have nothing better to do, let alone 3 other patients to take care of. But that nurse didn't talk to her at all. Even when she was in the room, she dismissed everything the patient said. The mental health nurses? Most of their time is spent in the nursing station gossiping and messing on their phones. There's no reason for them not to put in the extra effort of spending time with their patients. And especially there, it can have such an impact.

All of that is to say, I love the relationships I'm able to build with my patients. It's so important for me to be able to connect with people like this, to make them feel seen and cared for and important. No one wants to be treated like an inconvenience, especially not while they're in the hospital, sick and hurt and exhausted and in pain.

Nights like these are why I'm going into this field. I love medicine and I always knew I would end up in the hospital, I've always wanted to be able to save someone's life. But I think now that I've grown up and I'm actually working with these patients, I've come to see not only how rewarding it is to save someone's life, but to nurture that life, too.

[drdemonprince]

hey!! i've been watching your amazing top surgery recovery on insta and i'm wondering if you have any tips/secrets to recovering so quickly??! i've been looking into top surgery but have been so intimidated because everything i've read about the recovery process makes it seem like it'll take months and that's something that's not realistic for me with my limited support system + limited time off work but goddamn i would love to get my tits chopped off asap. i read something about how you gotta b

continued: be prepared to not physically be able walk around or lift more than a jug of apple juice for like two months post-op and that's been scaring me off top surgery cuz that's just not sustainable for me!!

Yeah, so I do think some people are really really overstating how incapacitating the procedure has to be, and that some of that is a holdover of doctor's historical approaches to treating patients.

Like historically, wealthy pregnant women were sometimes in bed nearly the full duration of their pregnancies, and just in general medicine used to believe that the best way for a patient to heal was for them to be lying down doing as little as possible (and being as compliant and inobtrusive as possible), and I believe that might still color some surgeon's recommendations today. Even though we know that gentle movement and maintaining function where one can is good for healing!

Now, my experience with surgery has been far and away better than that of anyone I've heard of so far for a couple of reasons, some that are within a patient's control, some that are not.

The first thing is that I have a high pain tolerance and love moving around, I need to move around to feel good, it's just very helpful for my mental health and sensory regulation. Even when I have the flu or COVID, I still tend to lift weights and take walks -- maybe at a slightly diminished capacity, maybe taking a day off if I feel incapable, but I generally want to move and find it easy to start moving quickly even when I'm sick or in pain.

2. The second piece is, you guessed it, my activity level. Before surgery, I was lifting weights for a half hour each day, five days per week. I'd been doing roughly that amount for a couple of years. I also live in a city and don't have a car so I walk a lot, take the stairs when I can, go out dancing sometimes, and just generally stay pretty active. We could chalk this up as a "choice" but that would be to ignore the fact that I'm capable of doing that much activity and I enjoy it. If I had kids, a 9-5 office job, physical disabilities that impacted my ability to exercise, elder care responsibilities, or anything else, I couldn't work out five days per week. But I personally can. And that has either been good for my health, or is just a signal of the fact that I am in good health.

3. That brings us to the third piece: I don't really have any health issues that get in the way of healing. I get over colds relatively quickly, and aside from a bout of anemia and severe burnout in my mid 20s and some knee pain that I gave myself from using a standing desk for two long that seems to never go away, I've made it to 35 without too many scratches on the vehicle.

Right now I'm probably in the best health of my life, both because of my activity levels and just really finally getting on top of cooking myself meals most days of the week, lots of like fish and veggies and rice and quinoa and shit (I used to survive on power bars far too often. they're still nice. but cooking dinner regularly has made me feel more nourished and strong). Again a lot of that is being lucky enough to have time to do the things that help me feel good.

4. Before surgery, I was hydrating and fibering like a mother fucker, up until midnight the night before my operation, when I was supposed to begin fasting. I also went two weeks without any alcohol, weed, cigarettes, delta 8, or any other substances, and no medications other than my testosterone. I also quit caffeine several months ago which has had a DRAMATIC impact on my mental health and improved my eating and hydration as well. Three hours before surgery I took a prescribed anti-nausea pill, and a celebrex (a prescribed anti-inflammatory, basically it dulls nerve pain a bit) as advised by my doctor.

5. I chose to work with a surgeon who does not use narcotics -- this is a huge one. Opioid pain medications pack a whallop, and if you need them, you need them, there's no shame in that -- but I think the American medical system is still skewed towards using them too willy nilly compared to most other parts of the world. They make you groggy, slow down your digestion, can make you depressed, make you nauseated, and just generally keep you from moving around and eating, and you really do want your physical system to be moving and metabolizing so it can heal you.

I would not have been up and walking around the day of my surgery if I was on opioids. The day after surgery I was able to stream for three hours, ride the train to my post-op appointment, and walk to a restaurant a few blocks away for dinner because I wasn't loopy or medicated at all. And I truly did not need them. Because I wasn't on opioids I was also able to shit the same day I had surgery instead of battling bloating and constipation for days, which most guys describe having.

Rather than giving any hard core pain meds to me, my doctor used numbing injections during surgery, which blunted the pain for the first 48 hours post-op, which is the worst period healing wise. Beyond that, he put me on antibiotics and a celebrex in the morning and at night. I've never felt much pain at all.

At this point, my pain is like.. less than a period cramp? Similar to muscle soreness from working out? I feel fragile because my skin is stitched together, so it's not like I could run a marathon or climb a rock wall, and I can't cook or carry anything over a milk jug. but I can walk around, shower, take the train, open light doors, get dressed, feed my chinchilla, stuff like that.

6. My surgeon encouraged movement. Many surgeons tell you not to lift your arms above your head for weeks, but this can result in you needing physical therapy afterward and losing mobility in general. Now if that's what your doctor tells you to do, you should listen to them, but my doctor told me he wanted me to maintain range of motion. I am allowed to open cabinets, shampoo my hair, and reach above my head to grab things -- GENTLY and SLOWLY -- and i do very very light stretches. In the weeks to come I'll need to weigh two competing concerns against one another: the desire to maintain mobility, and the desire to have thin scar lines. I'm still being very delicate but I am using my arms all day and sometimes raising them.

Now, I can't promise you that any of this will happen for you. And since you mentioned wanting to be as independent as possible, let me tell you: do not push it! you will need help! Not getting enough help will dramatically increase your risk of complications! I have someone with me to lift heavy objects, cook, wash the dishes, help me shower, open heavy doors, and to tell me to slow down when i'm going too hard.

The people i know who did have complications got to that point because they didn't ask for enough help. You will need to take time off of any labor intensive job, and you wont be able to move furniture, make your bed, do your laundry, cook a meal, carry groceries, or do other intensive things for a while. I understand the motivation to get back to 'independence' as quickly as possible, but you can't guarantee that will happen.

This week, I will be doing some light work (grading and reading copy edits) because I am able to, and because I'm high energy enough to be getting bored. But I couldn't count on that. I told my boss and my editor I'd be offline for at least two weeks, more if I had complications. Since I didn't, I'm bouncing back way sooner, but it would not have been healthy for me to set out with that as the expectation. I needed to mentally offload the stress of having a job or I wouldnt have healed as well as I have.