#like i had times as a kid where not reading subtext made me be ridiculed or ostracized or mocked

[dumb-fictionkin-sideblog]

I think

I think that me thinking I'm a compulsive manipulator for most of my "aware life" has something to do with the tism

[damianbugs]

I read your pinned Jason post and just wanted to comment on how smart and compassionate he was while also being emotional and occasionally brazen, and how his negative traits were exaggerated to make him appear destructive and doomed from the start. But one thing that got completely overlooked was how mature he was for a kid his age. Like he was a parentified kid taking care of him mom, he never once blamed her or Willis for their misfortune. Hell, Robin-Jason’s morals barely encompass petty crime, addiction, etc. as “evil” traits. Nowadays, this obsession with portraying Jason as a completely immature, hair-trigger, child in hysterics, and the emphasis on having "daddy issues" without directly clarifying what they are and where they stem from; is so dirty. it's as if the writers looked at fanon's soulless (also classist) interpretations of him and called it a day. Their misunderstanding of poverty and crime prevents them from offering nuanced perspectives on the subject (also because utrh was released during a spike in the War on Drugs era), so there exist a million canon and fanon works of the bats explaining poverty to the homeless guy. (this is also not me saying he's even been right as RH, but the fact that they refuse to add any nuance to the conflict outside of Bruce irritates me.)

perfectly put anon. HEAVY on the differing perspectives of what constitues as 'evil' crime robin jason had in comparison to, for example, bruce. he was an incredibly complicated and mature boy who was a victim to classist writing in every single aspect of his story. even after the introduction of tim drake and how he was basically the exact opposite of everything that made jason jason you get the feel of, oh, so even in death he is ridiculed for who he was.

'Their misunderstanding of poverty and crime prevents them from offering nuanced perspectives on the subject'

this is so real. i think a very recent example would be the 'cheer' story for batman urban legends, which, to my dismay, is often said to be the best jason writing in recent years (to which, uhm, task force z, hello!) because of how the entire situation with the boy and his father was handled. obviously the father was in the wrong, and jason knew that — but suddenly, all the compassion and reasoning jason has for being a character like the red hood is completely pushed away until AFTER he kills the guy. he mentions something along the lines of having orphaned a child and he can't believe he's done this or something and i was sat there like.. what on earth! not to mention the atrocious young jason writing which shows him contemplating murder(?!)

dc has this staggering inability to separate the idea of poverty with crime and again, it is almost laughable how it is not even hidden in subtext. it is very obviously there. children of drug addicts and criminals MUST be evil, for some reason, no we will not explain why.

i agree with you in that the real tragedy of red hood is that he's become a consequence of bruce as opposed to batmans mission. when he was first introduced dc were setting him up to be, what i believe, a permanent spot in the gotham rouge gallery. meaning he would have been developed and stayed separate as his own anti-hero for gotham, being the ultimate enemy that can never be defeated by batman and alike BECAUSE they are doomed to be on opposite sides of a solution.

that obviously never stuck. and now we get jason in stories he doesn't need to be in, or written terribly all in order to emphasise his broken relationship with the other bats. which, maybe, could be done well, but most the time, isn't. red hood aka angry red bat 'daddy issues' extraordinaire jason todd.

maybe one day we'll get a writer who truly loves what jason can mean to a place like gotham and respects his origin but also how that would affect him into adulthood. one day.

[hecatesbroom]

I don't have super coherent thoughts about this but. Stuff like Dorothy asking Sophia what she'd do if she had a gay kid, Dorothy being friends (and v protective) of Jean who she's known since college (it being canon that Dorothy knows the details of Jean's coming out journey), Sophia multiple times basically assuming Dorothy is queer, the time Blanche assumes Dorothy is confessing feelings for her. IK that a lot of it was the writers weirdly mean attitude about Bea's looks (she's gorgeous, I hate that she was always made to feel ugly and unwomanly) but that doesn't subtract from the subtext existing that in-show there is definitely pretext for Dorothy being queer (/other people thinking she is).

YESS you're absolutely right anon!! There's so much queer subtext in the show, especially (but not even only) surrounding Dorothy.

You could write a lot of it off as "queer jokes for comedy purposes" but even so, it's especially prevalent with Dorothy, and even a part of some of the storylines that are treated more seriously (like the Jean storyline, but I'd also argue her marriage with Stan, who knocked her up when she didn't even feel remotely attracted to him. We don't know how her life would've turned out if that hadn't happened!)

The writers' attitude towards Bea's looks was so weird, yeah! She's beautiful! I'm pretty sure it was because every character needed a Thing for the writers to joke about (Rose being a ditz, Blanche a slut, Sophia a stubborn old lady) and there wasn't much in Dorothy's personality to latch on to, so they had to pick something superficial (and not necessarily true)? So honestly I'm not 100% sure the queer subtext surrounding Dorothy stems purely from the way they make fun on her looks? I may be wrong but it might just be that the writers needed something to make fun of -- and looks tend to be the go-to thing when there isn't much else to ridicule!

Anyway thank you for sending an ask, anon <3 so sorry I went on a bit of a tangent here ahah. I loved reading your thoughts (and if you ever have any more, you know where to find me -- and my ask box ;)

[tehcoop]

I am an old. I'm an old, old fandom lurker wandering from one fandom to the other for the past (oh God) two decades. I've read in everything from Gundam Wing in my (not that) delinquent high school years to Due South to Stargate Atlantis, Harry Potter, Star Wars, yadda yadda yadda, on and on up to The Witcher, most recently. 

And then The Old Guard.

Guys... Guys.

This movie smacked me in the face and shook me to my core. It was everything I've never known I wanted in an action movie because it just never occurred to me that it might exist. Two female leads! One of them is black! Eighty. Five. Percent female representation behind the scenes. 85%! Amazing character beats. Everyone has their own arc and motivations. No stereotyping. It's just beautiful.

And then there's Joe and Nicky. 

I have never related so hard to characters or to a relationship in my life. I love my badass immortal husbands so much. It's ridiculous. I could gush for hours. I'm nothing like them, of course. I identify as a mostly straight, mostly cis, so white I reflect sunlight (though I hope I'm at least an ally to BIPOC) woman. There's nothing particularly badass about me. But I still relate like hell to these characters. 

I love to laugh like Joe, and completely understand his protective instincts. And then there's Nicky. I relate to him more than any character I can think of currently. I'm introverted and can be kind of intense, but I'm also patient, kind, and nurturing. And if anyone does anything to hurt my family, especially my kids, I can rip you apart with just my words. (Seriously, I think my mother in law is afraid of me now after she got a talking to when I called her out for being shitty to my spouse. Our relationship is Much Better now). 

Most importantly, I am deeply in love with my wonderful spouse who happens to be a trans woman. 

And guys, I'm angry.

Remember, I'm an old. I've been searching for scraps hinting at any kind of queer love story in all kinds of media for decades. And I'm angry because I shouldn't have had to. 

I shouldn't have to read into a maybe not on purpose significant glance. I shouldn't have gotten excited when two characters grabbed each other in anger because clearly they're so in love. I shouldn't have been delighted when an actor bit his lip to hint at a love story in film, or that a writer said that a character was gay years after the books were written. I made myself believe that those little bits of subtext were enough and somehow better than getting it outright because then we can tell our own stories, right guys? I preferred reading fan fiction because I could think of the hot guys I wanted to pair up in the way I wanted. I even stopped watching a lot of gay movies because they were always so sad and full of strife, and I just couldn't relate to them. I just wanted my fluffy romantic comedies. Fan fiction was literally the only place that I could see any kind of healthy queer relationship.

Which is how I got to be almost forty and still identifying as mostly straight even though I'm in a queer as hell relationship. In each of these canon stories, the character's sexuality was part of the conflict, and I was never particularly conflicted about mine. I just liked who I liked and craved a healthy, stable relationship. Or when I did see characters like Klaus in Umbrella Academy (who I love) who is comfortable with their sexuality, he's also so fantastically ridiculous that I can only laugh or cringe at him. I enjoyed many of these stories, but still related more to the Jane Austen heroines I saw in straight stories even while I preferred to chill by reading about say... John and Rodney accidentally making a baby or something.

And then Joe and Nicky come along. And they're beautiful. They're a goddamn interracial, interfaith, committed, happy, unkillable gay couple. In canon. They are the most married. They're 900 plus years of married. Their sexuality and relationship are incredibly important to who they are and to the story without being the conflict of the story. Or without being a walking stereotype of one thing or other. Instead, you have two men casually stating their love for each other, blatantly declaring it, cuddling, and kissing all while they each have their own stories, skills, and motivations. 

I have literally never seen that before. Except at home, in my own house, where my spouse and I get to be our own people, but then support each other, tease each other, and cuddle at the end of the day. It was beautiful to see something that reflected the kind of love I always wanted and now get to have. In canon, on screen. Seeing Joe and Nicky's love makes me so deliriously happy that I'm incredibly angry I've never seen anything like that on screen before. Just imagine what it would have been like seeing that kiss in a crowded theater.

So why am I writing this? Because this movie is important. It's so goddamn important. I'm so happy it exists. And I want you all to know the actual weight of all the years of going without characters like this. What it means to say that I'm furious that I've never seen this before after decades of searching. How ridiculous it is that I still identify as mostly straight possibly because I've never really seen nuanced, flawed, real queer characters before. Instead, I've imagined and created evidence of gay relationships from nothing while ignoring the awful canon hetero relationships my favorite shows have forced on us. All while still unironically sighing over Mr Darcy and Clueless. I'm tired, y'all.

I want to see all the stories with all the people in various configurations. Romances, action, sci fi, fantasy, everything. The Old Guard did it. And they did it well. I'm done with the queer baiting. I don't think I can look at many of the fandoms I have loved throughout the years the same way again. I'm incredibly grateful to Gina Prince-Bythewood, Greg Rucka, Marwan Kanzari, Luca Marinelli, and the rest of the cast and crew for bringing me these already beloved characters. It's so refreshing to finally get what I've really wanted all these years. Representation absolutely fucking matters. 

And now? I'm gonna go back to being a lurker. I'll read all the Old Guard fanfiction I can. I'll watch all the movies, read all the comics because I want more stories like this, dammit. I'll probably go back to giggling over and overanalyzing little character moments in all kinds of fandoms again. Mostly, I'll just go back to quietly taking care of my little family. And I might post something again in another couple of decades when my kids are off to college. And God, do I hope it doesn't take another couple decades to get more characters like this. I hope that my kids get all kinds of stories I never did growing up so that they can figure out who they are and who they relate to before they're almost forty frigging years old. It's about goddamn time.

Thank you for listening to my TED talk.

[ellelans]

You made a tag comment about how Buddie wasn't planned from the beginning. And therefore what we got in Season 2 wasn't (at the time) the groundwork for a love story. I agree completely! Much of it I can see as either a bit of fun (the Christmas elf, the instagram girl) or that kind of hyper-masc heterosexuality that loops around itself and becomes gay (Buck's whole...thing with Eddie in the beginning, the focus on Eddie's body/hotness/physical appearance). But sometimes I step back and look at the whole and I'm all 🧐 🤔.

I don't even know what I'm asking lol. Would just love your thoughts/feelings on the confusing spectacle that are Buck and Eddie in season 2. And when/how/why did the show change their mind?

Thank you so much for the ask and you know what? Let’s talk about it.I recently had an in depth chat about this pretty unpopular opinion with a friend and I tried to explain to her why I don't see buddie as an actual pairing or having any canon potential until early s3 and why I don't believe they were planned from the beginning.This will be long and all over the place of course lol

The first and the most obvious reason is the way 911 deals with main characters and their romantic arcs.They don't actually drag it on for long because there is no need or time for that since every single main character has a strong storyline of their own and any romantic development between any pair as an additional combined storyline. Relationships happen fast on 911 because they are planned ahead and the only relationship that took longer than usual few episodes was Chim and Maddie and they were already kissing and planning a date in 2x11.

Also when shows enter their second season there is never a way to predict how long it will stay on the air and because of that it is impossible for me to believe that buddie was planned as some epic old school slowburn that is nowhere as close to be resolved after 3 seasons.When I say old school slowburn I mean shows that have this one heterosexual romance at the center of the universe that is usually stretched across seasons and builds up sexual tension between characters and it takes literally years for them to finally get together.We have these two characters that where made for each other and you KNOW that they will eventually get together because of some ridiculous pining that will eventually end in a kiss and everyone will scream and cry.And maybe that’s how buddie feels to me now after years of careful build up-but the way I see it they as a potential something didn't happen in s2.

We all joke about how character introduction of Eddie is the gayest we have ever seen and Buck's reaction to him as true bisexual and I do that myself too because I am a bisexual too and tbh its hard to unsee (also I don't want to) but lets remove our rainbow glasses for a second. What really did happened in that scene? Eddie's perfect abs on display,Chim and Hen fun comments on how beautiful he is,Bobby's praise and bragging about getting Eddie and his Silver Star on the team and Buck's insecurities flaring up as a reaction to all of this.Buck immediately feels threatened.At this point we of course have no idea how deeply his insecurities run or why,but as episode progresses we witness Eddie on his first call making a better decision to how to handle a medical situation and backed up by Bobby.It has sort of a devastating effect on Buck,who suddenly starts acting like we have never seen him before.Then there is a that scene at the gym where Buck tells Eddie how he is his problem. And later we of course have the scene in ambulance when Eddie asked what exactly they are measuring. Because that's what it looked like - a usual macho men measuring context. But the thing is 911 doesn’t toxic masculinity when it comes to main male characters and we saw many examples of that already by then,but the biggest one was supposed to be BuckandEddie. Equals,partners and best friends.

911 was already pushing boundaries with cast,characters and relationships diversity and I strongly believe that what they wanted to show us was a male equivalent of what we are used to see in female bffs -a different kind of a friendship between men. Men who care about each other,who talk about feelings,discuss sex,dating or why they don’t,who again openly acknowledge that they find each other attractive and giving advices on how to take a more flattering selfie,who are not afraid of crying, admit they are struggling or heartbroken or loving their kid.Honestly when was the last time any of us saw a male friendship like theirs?Men are not allowed to be like that on TV (I am still shocked that its a Fox show tbh) and especially with each other.We are not used to see such a development so no wonder people started paying attention-which was what writers wanted,of course.

But that also brings us to that important question about queer undertones,subtext and do what we actually see in s2. Are there queer undertones?Absolutely. Subtext?It’s right there but you will probably not get it unless you’re reading between the lines.Before we get to Christmas Elf,there was ‘’He is cute!/He gets that a lot,you should’ve seen his kid...’’ Maddie and Buck scene that is once again reinforces that Buck finds Eddie attractive and it shouldn’t be a surprise because we already know from 2x01 he has eyes - but they mention it AGAIN and that personally made me raise a brow or two.By the time we get to that Christmas episode,we already have Shannon back and Buck finally moved on from Abby with Taylor and then Ali and then we are given another queer coded scene-with Christmas elf.And its very cute and to an average heterosexual viewer its a nice little joke,but any queer watching that scene was probably taken aback a little.

So why imo did Tim&Co do it and when they realized they can actually see where they can take BuckandEddie and when they started becoming buddie?My answer is ship teasing.It’s what a lot of people actually mistake for queer baiting,but we are not talking about that rn.Ship teasing works like charm and if shows can get away with that-they will totally use it to their advantage.It’s usually not always malicious,but it IS always intentional because that brings in a category of people that were overlooked for a long time-online fandom.Now I have seen some opinions that fandom doesn’t really matter,it’s the ratings that count and that is NOT TRUE.You can have your ratings,but if there is no buzz online?Your show is going nowhere.For at least a decade now every self-respecting production has teams to monitor fandom activities because it gives them better ideas about how consumers(fans) are interacting with their product (show).Fandom is important because we generate the buzz.So I do believe that BuckandEddie and that sweet ship teasing were to get a certain part of the fandom pay attention.

I wasn’t here when S2 aired so I don’t know if that was the case,but it is obvious that these scenes I talked about above made fans pay a LOT of attention. And maybe that was the reaction writers needed to start changing course from ship teasing to start building up to something else.They maybe didn’t plan it at the very beginning and on paper,but lets also not forget the insane chemistry between Oilver and Ryan,which imo is another big reason-it's impossible to ignore.

Because S3?Is light years away from S2 in terms of BuckandEddie-they became buddie.In s3 Buck and Eddie become each other’s significant other,they are in a primary relationship. ’’Buck invites Eddie...’’?!!!!! It is not yet romantic and probably won’t be until ending of s5 if we are lucky-but it is in your face,they are not subtle anymore.I personally saw buddie only at the end of 3x03 when Eddie came over and said that there is noone in the world he trusts with his son more than Buck, looking like he did into Buck’s eyes,while ‘Photograph’ played in the background right before Buck’s overvoice about being seen and found and a raft to bring one home. After S4 ending tho...we all know that something is about to happen and its like there is electricity in the air as we are waiting for s5!

Probably a lot more thoughts than you expected,but I have many feelings about these two and when buddie goes canon this post will become completely irrelevant lol 💖 

[ouyangzizhensdad]

i meant white/western audiences are slow to understanding the subtext rather than asian fandoms, when i was a kid i remember most asian countries didnt even have "kiss scenes" in movies or dramas, for us the "subtext" was normal for straight couples too (I've seen a few white folks think cql is a story abt 2 straight friends). the issues with the poor production and it has shit production coz of the budget but the drama wasnt supposed to be a big hit. also like how u just made it the "idol drama"  as if most kdramas and cdramas arent full of idols. I mostly agree with ur cql fandom hate too but to me it seems like u sometimes just want to prove that cql is worse than it is just coz the fans it brought in. I dont blame u either, I've seen some shit metas and the cql fans who hate the novel and call the writer homophobic are also funny. What makes me irritated is that the amount of hate cql gets on here is equal to the amount of hate novel gets, when the drama made alot of things possible for asian LGBTQ audiences. This is the first drama that my gay asian friend (who isnt out) watched with his parents and got them to fall for all the ppl and support the couple. Novels have our imagination in them but dramas need to make a lot of ppl happy and also keep censorship at bay. for me personally cql seems like it made it possible for alot of closeted kids be comfortable talking abt a gay couple with their parents, as novels are limited to a fandom. (Like I've not read a single harry potter book but I've watched 4 of the movies 😚)

I'm not trying to attack u but I'm trying to tell u that just coz the drama brought in a shit ton of weirdos in the fandom it still helped alot more ppl than u can imagine...

Hi anon, 

One thing where we seem to be of a different opinion is that criticising cql as a work of fiction, or highlighting the political economic context surrounding it, in no way negates what it can mean for people. I personally consider that these are completely different matters. These things often have nothing to do with the inherent quality of a thing, or even how good “queer rep” it is--they are relative to people’s specific and personal experiences, or a particular moment in the media landscape. All the things she said holds special meaning to me because it was the first time I got to see two women kiss on tv and it felt revelatory. I vividly remember sitting cross-legged right in front of the tv and refusing to come eat until the end of the music videos--at a time when I could not articulate why I was so fascinated by it. I know that this song is still meaningful for a lot of queer people my age, even if many people hate it for being a straight gaze fantasy. Regardless of what it personally means to me, I’m not going to argue that the music video is a masterpiece, or be blind to the reason why the kiss was included in that music video. CQL is very meaningful to your gay closeted friend, and allowed him to discuss wangxian as a gay couple with his parents, and that’s absolutely great. But I personally think it’s a little bit far-fetched to suppose that the same couldn’t have been said of any other live adaptations of a danmei novel who didn’t shoehorn in a het romance: if the timing had been different, perhaps the first drama with romantic subtext between two male characters he would have seen with his parents would have been Guardians, or the incoming adaptation of TGCF. Hell, H2O was so popular that they might have just watched that one together as well, even if the subtext “romance” is between two side characters. 

Let me be clear as well that I am not trying to argue that MDZS is this groundbreaking piece of fiction wrt “gay rights” or queer representation in China that changes minds and sways public opinion. It’s one of many danmei novels--it just is one that has a lot of literary merit. I simply think it’s disingenuous when people in the western fandom claim that a subtext romance is better “representation” than a canon gay couple who get their happily ever after. CQL is more impactful because it is mainstream, but it does not mean the representation it offers is inherently better. It is also ridiculous sometimes because the hurdles faced by a danmei authors vs the government-backed media giants who benefit financially from putting out censored version of their stories is just..... not something that should be ignored in my opinion.

Asian audiences being more used to romance depicted through subtext does not, at least in my opinion, negate the power of heteronormativity or compulsory heteronormativity to influence readings of that subtext by a portion of the audience. Chinese people are absolutely creative and innovative in the ways in which they manage to circumvent censorship, but a webseries financed by a media giant is not going to be a transgressive attempt to pull the wool over the censors’ eyes--at the end of the day it needs to be a safe investment. 

You seem to suggest that I am hard on CQL for being an idol drama but do not bring the same criticisms to other idol dramas. I find this weird because it’s not like I’ve ever praised an idol drama, and I know I haven’t because I simply don’t think they are competent works of fiction (although sometimes the camera work and editing is at least competent, compared to cql where the production quality is kind of poor). The closest I’ve come to doing that is praising My Mister, which is not in any way an idol drama, but which I suppose features an idol (IU) in the cast. When I said the first jdrama I watched was Hana Yori Dango, that was not an endorsement of how good it was--because honestly it’s one hot mess barely held together by the chemistry between the two leads--it was just a statement of fact. 

I am very critical and judgemental, I’ll give you that, but I don’t think that equates to “hate”. Yes, most of my discussions of CQL sprout from existing discussions within the fandom. But most of my posts indirectly reference or respond to something I saw. What’s the difference between me addressing a common novel fanon and me addressing a common opinion on cql’s virtues? 

TLDR; a work of fiction being significant to people is something to recognise but it should not preclude being able to discuss that work critically, especially wrt how it executes its story since the inherent quality of the work as art has no direct correlation with its impact, be it on individuals or on a specific media landscape. Moreover, the impact of a work on queer people or on the social perception of queer people is not inherently proportional to how “good queer rep” it is: it has usually more to do with the context (ie people don’t remember Brokeback Mountain because it was the best movie with a gay love story ever made until then--there was more at play). 

[supertransural]

supernatural made me realize a bunch of shit about myself, specifically identity and it’s part of the reasons why i think it’s an inherently queer story.

allow me to clarify. once upon a time, 6 years ago, i found supernatural. back then i was mostly in the closet, even to myself. i’d gotten to that point of “hah wouldn’t it be nice to be like guys on tv and kiss the pretty girls” but not much further than that, because in most of the movies i had watched with my parents, the personality of the guy wasn’t really explored in the way supernatural (mostly unintentionally ngl) does with its characters.

so picture a teen, finding my first tv show to watch alone, being able to think my very own comments about it and not fear any repercussions from those thoughts because hey, i’m alone in my room i can think what i like about what i’m seeing. and feeling.

and here enters dean. complicated, comes from a rough childhood, parental expectations weighing so heavy on him it’s bleeding through his smiles, has a brother he feels is his duty to protect, is stuck in a loop of denial repression depression sublimation denial repression depression sublimation den-

you get the gist. i related to that guy. and then here he goes getting bi-coded (didn’t know what that was at the time but looking back, i could sure as hell feel it) and then kissing girls on screen, despite his wavering self-confidence. little ol’ gay me was like “yoooo i relate to this character on most of his character points, do i also relate to like..... wanting to do what he does??? do i wanna kiss other girls????”. fast forward one season and i’ve already figured out i was maybe bi. literally thanks to season 1 dean.

so, having figured out this “minor” aspect of myself, i went on youtube to find some other people like me and try to see if i was right to be homophobic towards myself or not. figured out, hey uh, definitely not. so you can also add “it ended up making me try to put a stop to my internalized homophobia” on the list of things that shitpost of a show helped me with.

i went back to the show for another season, relating even more to dean, and “blah blah blah queer coded character blah blah blah gay me could feel it before i knew what it was blah blah blah happy gay stuff”. several seasons passed by before anything new came up on my “hm this show rly out here bringing out all the queer aspects of myself huh” journey, but anyways i was still slowly but surely thinking holy shit i wanna be this goddamn man i want to be dean.

then comes season 4, walzing into my questioning little heart. oof ok, this season hit ALL the right spots for me. because i could feel what was going on between cas and dean and even though everything was still blurry as fuck, the parallel between sam/ruby and dean/cas was clear as day. and i was like “oh so you’re saying there’s a love here and it’s like that tarnished love between sam and ruby and it’s forbidden so that’s why we’re not seeing it and it’s like... gay”. so it made me realize “holy shit, i wanna see more gay content, and it’s ok to want that.”

then cas became another extremely relatable character, because i just kept thinking “he doesn’t really have a gender the same way other humans do” and i shit you not, he started me questioning my own gender. because again, a relatable character that you somewhat identify with that makes you ask questions about their identity INEVITABLY makes you ask questions about yourself. queue me going on youtube yet again to understand this shit a little better. i went through a few months of thinking “maybe i’m nb”, joined a few more gay communities on the internet, started learning about lgbtq+ things, watched a few more gay shows, and basically just grew a little more into my queerness.

fasforward several seasons, a couple gap years where i stopped watching it, and you’ll get to me a year ago. i thought i was a gay woman, fairly happy in that mental space and identity. but then. the whole “i wanna be dean” thing came up a lot again. because he just kept on being more and more visibly queer coded as i kept on learning more about this shit.

lo and behold, i jumped straight into the idea i was trans. and wouldya look at dat, i was right. quarantine happened, so i had to get even more of my interactions through online platforms, and quite obviously hovered around the gayer ones, or at least the lgbtq+ sides of them. and as i kept watching the show on and off, binging the first seasons for the 4th time, i kept learning more and more about myself. and those acts of gay frenzy were always started by seeing something relatable or strange in that show and looking it up. like, legitimately every time.

i found this community on tumblr a few weeks ago because i was tired of having my own little hypotheticals in my head and not knowing if anyone agreed, and the more i’ve been here the more i’ve learned about myself. the more i’ve let go of a lot of internalized hatred. the more i’ve been really ok with myself, as a trans guy. BUT ITS NOT FINISHED YET.

because, as we all know, it is common understanding here that dean is bi. WELL, i’ve been re-binging the show with that mindset finally clear in my head, and the “haha dean relatable lol” thing came up again, except it was really a “haha dean (who is bi) super relatable lol” thing now. so i paused, yet again, to think about that a little more. AND FIGURED OUT I WASNT STRAIGHT, IM BI AS FUCK.

that happened 1 month ago. i thought i’d grown fully into my queer self, that i’d gone through enough realizations and coming outs (to friends only, god forbid i come out to my parents (unfortunately quite literally god forbid lmao) before i’m out of here) for a lifetime. but apparently not. AND IT WAS STILL BECAUSE OF SUPERNATURAL. destiel and trans!dean fics helped with my internalized transphobia and homophobia, they helped with acceptance of those parts of myself. something that helped was also seeing the fact that shipping two guys in a tv show wasn’t just “being greedy with my grubby little gay hands” and wanting to think of a character as trans wasn’t just “being delusional and ridiculous”. and reading fics wasn’t cringy, it was nice and comforting.

so to try and sum up this unhinged gay rant, what i meant by my initial statement is this.

looking back on this entire self-discovery journey that i went on, it really felt like i was in the impala with the boys, except i was on a different kind of route (just picture this giant road painted in rainbow colors with baby driving at 80mph on it, that’s what it felt like). i grew with those characters, but most importantly i grew THANKS to those characters. their story was queer enough to make me, a fairly homophobic, traditional, conservative kid into a lib trans bi dude. and not in a “i got converted by the fandoms” way. i found the fandom waaaaayyyyyyyy later. i stumbled upon the fandoms looking for answers about this gayass goddamn show that i could FEEL was like me but couldn’t verbalize yet.

their story felt like a queer self discovery story and i could already see that before i went on it myself. no other shows have ever done that for me, and i’ve watched shows that had lgbtq+ characters in them, scripted gay scenes, not just subtext but text. and they still didn’t do that for me.

so this is why this show is so meaningful to be, and incidentally so very gay. like genuinely.

[oh-theatre]

“Look you wanted to talk so here I am, whats up” typically what followed that was a conversation but instead Patton was taken gently in Logan’s palms and kissed under the dingy bleachers while the football team played in the nearby field.

Patton has never been kissed before, he never had the need or want. Sure guys were cute and he definitely had some crushes but nothing ever made his heart burst with excitement and his face flush so deep.

Not until Logan. He had only known this snarky boy for a year after he transferred here with his older brother Janus. He hadn’t thought much of it and didn’t expect any kind of relationship but soon they had classes together, after school activities become a usual spotting area. But they were friends. Best friends definitely, you can truly connect with someone over the year.

They shared inside jokes, became co Presidents of the student council, led the debate team to constant victories and were never absent during each others performances. Whether it be a cheerleading thing for Patton or a soccer match for Logan, they were front row shouting their support.

But that’s all it was, a friendship. An amazing one sure. Teasing eachother as they studied at one another’s house. Linking arms as they walked through the hall listening to their other friends. Secret looks at the lunch table and a sort of routine they had fallen into. Plus Logan’s crush was no secret, it was Patton’s favorite thing to hear about. The way he gushed.

But he never said a name

Never anything specific

And then he told Patton to meet him under the bleachers. It was a particularly rough day for the pair, they had gotten into a previous fight earlier. Patton can’t even remeber what set him off but they hadn’t spoken until this moment.

Which prompted the curt “Look you wanted to talk so here I am, whats up” and yet nothing could prepare him for the ever confident Logan taking control. Patton wanted more as soon as it happened but Logan pulled away. Patton couldn’t read his face, was he shocked, embarrassed.. disgusted? Was Patton really that bad?

“I’m in love with you, which is a ridiculous statement to make as a junior in highschool but it’s one I stand by.” Patton couldn’t respond, his fingers traced the spot where Logan had kissed him, it still sizzled with such a sensation. “You’re better than everyone at this lousy school, you are who you are and you’re so smart and it’s not fair for me to get to be your friend, it’s not fair to walk around beside you everyday because I don’t hold a candle to you. I’m not shit” he kicks the ground, Patton listens but he’s still so lost in this entrancment. “And everyday you tear yourself down and that’s not fair, it’s not because if anyone at this school should get to walk around like they own it, it should be you” he finished not really sure what he was going for

“Lo?” Patton manages finally seeing the sea of gray and blue eyes look up to him “That was the dumbest thing you’ve ever said.” He giggles “You don’t hold a candle to me? Are you kidding? Not that school is the all defining factor of how amazing you are but look at everything you’ve accomplished, look at who you are! I love who you are! And god this is really dumb! We are just silly juniors whose hormones are off the charts but let’s let them run wild!” He can feel the energy, this was something he had wanted, he knew it deep down. He didn’t hesitate before returning the favor, only this time it wasn’t gentle, it was fierce and passionate. And they didn’t part until they both couldn’t breathe.

With Logan’s hands still around Patton’s waist, he took a moment. “This could be a really bad idea” he warns

“It definitely could be, you’re not wrong! But I believe in this and if this really doesn’t work out, I believe in our friendship. Because who am I going to sit in the library with for an hour and talk about how many of histories greatest stories had gay subtext?”

“You got me there” he chuckles. “So we try?”

“We absolutely do”

And they did just that, no one expected it to work. Roman held faith but even Logan and Patton were skeptical. It was highschool, it was unpredictable. But soon enough graduation came and they stood side by side delivering their valedictorian speeches. They embraced as soon as they received their diplomas. With Logan in Washington and Patton in New York it was sure to crash and burn, but frequent visits and talks, trust and communication, even studying abroad together in London they still went strong. Then college ended and they kept going, through jobs, through buying a new apartment together and getting a dog, moving to Washington permanently, through hardships and fights, through night and day, these highschool kids built a future together. Marriage came, adoption, success through so many trial and error but they built a life, and they did it together, together and in love.

“Earth to Logan” Janus snapped one front of his dazed brothers face.

“Hm? Apologies I guess I got distracted” his eyes remained planted on Patton. He was across the library browsing for books. He would join them in a moment so they could continue to study.

“You’re really not going to tell him?” Janus lowered his voice, a calmer presence.

“Can’t lose what I have, it’s not worth the risk” Logan sighs, Patton adds a bounce to his step as he finds the book he wants before skipping back to the brothers. A smile so bright as he sits down and opens the book.

“Ok! Let’s try this from the beginning” Patton smiles.

“Let’s try” Logan agrees, the sorrow in his voice rings throughout. And he did try to focus on the topic at hand, but soon the voices faded out and all he could think about was that future, that non existent future, how dare he let his mind run that way. He was better than that.

Focus Logan.

Focus.

[rebel-in-white]

The Perfect Ending for Dean and Sam? - Supernatural 15x20

As I read reviews about the Supernatural series, nothing disturbs me more than reading things like the title of this essay, “This was the Perfect Ending for Sam and Dean.” It’s disturbing because as fans of this 15-year show, we are accepting mediocrity. Far from being a perfect ending, this was one of the worst television show endings that I have ever seen because the characters weren’t allowed to change and grow. 

When I watched the Supernatural series finale, I was struck by the realization that this could have easily been the finale of season 1. In season 1, we were dealing with Dean’s feelings of being second best, Sam wanting a “normal” life, Dean choosing the dangerous world of hunting, and the value of saving the innocent despite the dangers. In episode 15x20, the episode implies that we are still dealing with the same themes from episode 1, even though SO many events have passed, and Sam and Dean dealt with their own issues in varying ways. Dean’s death during a mundane hunt harks back to season 1’s warnings and omens about the dangerous life of a hunter. Meanwhile in season 15, the Winchesters are fighting God and survived that battle. Sam’s “happy” ending harks back to his desire to be with Jessica and find a happy, “apple pie” (normal) life. Meanwhile in season 15, Sam has lost everything… again. He lost his adopted son, his good friend, his mother for the second time, his surrogate father, his girlfriend (what happened to Eileen?), and his brother. Also, let’s not forget that Adam died and was a Winchester. Season 15 does not agree with, and contradicts, its final episode. 

Everything that has happened after season 1 and right before the series finale doesn’t matter. That is the message the series finale communicated with fans. Some fans might be alright with this message because it’s such a long series, too much has happened, but there are many fans who have avidly watched these characters grow and change. They themselves have grown and changed with these characters! Watching the finale felt like a slap in the face, a surreal dream, because the writers and the show-runner shut the door on any type of meaningful change that has occurred throughout the series. Throughout the years, Sam and Dean were able to create meaningful connections outside of their partnership, noticeably with Jack and Cas. Both were only mentioned. That merits repeating again. Castiel, who had become a fan favorite in the series, only gets a few mentions. Dean, the one with whom he shares a profound bond, shrugs off his death and continues enjoying his pie. Like the last 12 years of developing that friendship, emphasizing their bond, and teasing fans with their deep connection meant nothing. Because ultimately, the show sent a clear message to its viewers: it doesn’t matter what these characters have gone through, it doesn’t matter the people who have come and enriched their lives, but what matters is where they started. The journey, and the accompanying life experiences, don’t matter.

I read a really hurtful review about the series finale that implied that Sam could only be happy on Earth because his brother had died. He was no longer his brother’s keeper, so now he could have everything he wanted- a family and normalcy. That was the Sam of season 1 - before his brother died for him, before he died for his brother, before his demon blood addiction, before he saved the world numerous times, before he adopted a half angel kid into his family, before meeting his Mom again. All of those experiences profoundly change a person. His idea of normal and happiness changed, became vastly different. The show hinted at this when we saw the names carved on the table in episode 15x19. Sam stopped running away from hunting, his duties, struggled with his destiny, and fought for his freedom and seemed content with what he had. The show even implied a budding romance with a fellow hunter, Eileen. Sam from season 1 would have turned away from all this because it interfered with his desire to be normal. However, this was shoved at Sam in the most confusing, contrived, and sickening manner. After Dean dies during the series finale, Sam mopes for a bit, then he goes on a hunt, and reverts back to Sam of season 1 with ease. He gets everything he’d wanted- an unnamed, unseen wife and a child who he names Dean. If Sam from episode 15x19, 15x18, from any episode after season 1, saw this ending for himself, he would have run away screaming. He wouldn’t be able to accept it. Why? Because that’s not what he wanted for himself anymore. He wanted to be with his loved ones, which included Dean plus his extended family. 

If Sam’s ending was problematic, Dean’s is inconceivable. This is a character who has struggled with so many issues and low self-esteem and has gone through so many ups and downs that to see him die, impaled on a nail by clowns, devastated and confused many fans. I actually laughed out loud when he died because it was so ridiculous. It hurt to see a beloved character treated like trash, then proceed to accept his death with arms wide open. Where was Dean’s desire to live? This is the man who survived hell, saved the world several times, sacrificed himself for Sam, and had to fight daily to survive. And I don’t mean in a I’m-a-hunter-and-life-is-dangerous way, but in a real, this-world-is-fucked-up-and-I-can’t-do-it anymore way. 

That was what always attracted me to Dean. His fight to survive in a world that didn’t make sense to him, and his ability to cling to life despite feeling too broken and inadequate. For many of the fans, they resonated with that and admired him for his grit and his humanity. In the series finale, Dean gives up. He accepts death, accepts this strange looking heaven, even though he was weirded out by heaven when he first encountered it. He rides around in his car- alone and waiting for Sam. That’s what Dean boils down to- alone and living for Sam. The show sends a message that Dean doesn’t deserve anything else. Despite everything he’s done throughout the 15 years of this series, Dean can’t escape his destiny to die on a mundane hunt.  The same death that had been foreshadowed in season 1. With only his brother with him to see him go. Dean fought so hard to be free from Chuck’s stories and from his own demons that to see him reduced to drinking beer and riding around in the Impala felt like he’s regressed 15 years. And some fans think he deserved this? What has Dean done to you?

Dean had potential to show growth and to show true change and progress through a possible relationship with Castiel, but the show metaphorically gave its queer fans, their allies, and narrowed minded viewers a big middle finger. Yes, even people who hated the idea of Destiel, you should be angry. Instead of the show stretching your thinking and challenging you to accept something different and progressive, the show decided to pat you on the head and feed you some metaphorical shit. Please don’t eat it. Throughout the show, there had been signs that Dean and Castiel shared a profound bond that extended into a romantic subtext. It started with the angel’s entrance and charisma, and Dean’s acceptance of him into his life (very rare for Dean to form lasting relationships), and it ended with a confirmed love confession. Now, imagine that you’ve been hoping for years that all these hints, looks, and jokes would go somewhere. That maybe someone will validate your views and make you feel like you’ve brought progressive change to television. Well, that’s what it felt like to be a Destiel fan after episode 15x18. Destiel became half canon! Castiel declared his romantic feelings to Dean, which Misha Collins confirmed to be of a homosexual nature, but he knew that he couldn’t have what he wanted. He died to save a shell-shocked Dean Winchester. Not only did the show kill Castiel, but they sent him to hell (granted, he didn’t stay long), and they sent Dean Winchester, the man who stayed “straight,” to heaven. 

This was problematic in many ways. One, the message is homophobic, heinous, but subtle. If you’re gay or queer, you are thrown away, never to be seen again because your feelings will upset the masses. It’s what happened to Castiel, a confirmed queer character. When episode 15x20 finished and Dean hadn’t even mentioned Castiel out of his own freewill, I was upset. Here comes the second problem. This show had used queer-baiting for the past 12 years or so to keep its numbers up and to keep itself on the air. It used queer-baiting to a most hurtful and insidious way to attract viewers to the series finale. Then, they shut it down after teasing something that several, enthusiastic fans had wanted for years. Why open this pandora box if you aren’t going to do anything with it? What is the point? Leading people to create false assumptions, playing with people’s emotions in a negative way, reinforcing negative heteronomative stereotypes- this is what the show has accomplished. This is its legacy.

I wrote this essay to free myself from this show. After this, I am not a Supernatural fan anymore. This show has left a bad taste in my mouth, and I want nothing to do with it or anyone associated with it. I urge you to free yourselves as well and also to not accept this mediocrity that Supernatural gave us. Stop other shows and networks from manipulating and leading on its fans. Stop them from ignoring years of growth in order to feed you the same story and keep you mediocre and small. I know the pandemic of 2020 made things difficult, but that’s no excuse to create the subpar work the Supernatural writers/show-runner/staff did. With just a little bit of creativity and intelligence, they could have produced something great, no matter the obstacles. I used to believe in that.

Supernatural, thank you for the years of enjoyment, but I never want to see you again.

[lesrevesdeprovence]

Indecent lyrics

Universe: Idol AU 

Genre: fluff 

Characters: Jane (OC), Jaehyun, M (briefly). Mentions of Tara (OC) and Mark

Word count: 2,2 k

*Part of the larger world and multiple AU stories, but you can read it on its own. If you have questions, the private messages and asks are open. 

“So…” Jane said as she led the ash-blond man through the doorway of her new favorite local spot. It was a cold November day, so Jane silently cursed herself, wondering what kind of stupid idea was crossing her mind when she picked her outfit that morning. On days like those, it was painfully obvious how much of a Provençal girl Jane Durand was. No one in London wore a —mini— skirt suit, stockings, and a silk paper-thin blouse on a winter day. Or at least not any Londoner.

Jane sighed in content when a blast of warm air-kissed the skin of her face, the atmosphere as cozy and welcoming as ever. Granted, she had only been in this particular place a few times —all of them to plot how to get Minah and that Sungjae guy she liked together—, but she was already in love with the familiarity and comfort of M’s coffee shop. Not to mention its private ambiance, which was the main reason she had dragged Jaehyun there as soon as his superstar idol group landed in London for a packed week of concerts and promotions.

“So, what?” Jaehyun asked, the slightest sight of a smirk forming as he reached to grab her hand. It was probably the simplest of the gestures, but it made Jane hold in an enamored sigh as they strolled past several tables, turning eyes on them. As per usual, Jaehyun and his chiseled Korean pop-star features, sleek jawline and perfectly tousled hair attracted attention effortlessly. And there was no doubt as to why. Jaehyun was dashing even while clad in casual attire. A checkered Comme des Garçons blazer fit on his upper body while tight black jeans captured every curve of his muscled thighs. The look was appalling to Jane after barely seeing him at all for weeks that appeared to be bazillion years.

“Start explaining how this-” Jane recomposed herself and made a pause to signal him to sit at a nearby table. Then, she pointed at the screen of her phone “…happened?” She completed the question scrunching up her nose in something that resembled disgust, which undoubtedly misplaced Jaehyun because all his eyes could take in was Jane’s music app; his group’s latest track on pause.

“We have a new Recording Company in the States?” The guy ventured, not quite sure he was getting her question. After all, his “girlfriend” —who also happened to be his group’s international PR assistant—, was the first person to inform him, a couple of weeks ago, that their next schedule included a trip to L.A. and the recording of a full English track.

“I know that, silly.” Jane scoffed rolling eyes and placing her mint-colored Chiquito bag on the table quite dramatically. “And that was not my question”

“Then?” Jaehyun came next to her and pulled out a chair before sitting across the table.

“I meant the substitute indecent lyrics everybody is talking about right now!” She said tapping her phone and the dozens of notifications showing on the top of the screen. “Twitter is going off”

“Hey! They are not indecent lyrics!” The man complained and pouted offended, his antics so cute that they painfully reminded Jane of that popular homemade video of an 11-year-old Jaehyun, speaking nonsense English that included phrases of the likes of “I just want some milk” or “Be quiet, don’t cry”.  She laughed thinking how “They are not indecent lyrics” would surely fit that list along with his signature “It’s just a kiss” that in reality was a meaningful subtext because it always ended up with them losing track of time in some obscure corner of the guys’ rented home in St. James.

Jane made a mental note to add the new phrase to Jaehyun’s book of nonsense English.

“Sweetie, the whole thing went from “As if nothing had happened on your way. Go easy. Keep on” to “Baby, you a bad girl, watch your mouth” and “I love how your body feels on me”. Jane explained, keeping her tone unwavering.

“Oh! I see what you mean” Jaehyun’s eyebrow went up and his lips slowly turned into a devilish smile “But they are not indecent lyrics unless you are a dirty-minded person” He retorted naturally, leaning back on the chair and crossing his arms over the chest. His smirk becoming more distinctive under the dim lights of the café.

“You’re speaking as though you had no idea of how dirty-minded I can-“ Jane stopped midway when she realized Jaehyun was grinning a bit too much, looking pleased and causing a pair of cute dimples to form on his cheeks. It was that distinctive look he gave her whenever he wanted to brag about something, but this time it almost looked as though he knew something she didn’t. “Oh God-“ Jane turned her head just on time to see M uncomfortably touching his nape, looking turned in between not knowing what to do and feeling flat-out embarrassed.

“Are you ready to order?” M stood few steps away, taller than Jane remembered him to be, with his ever friendly kilowatt smile and those square shoulders that made him appear more imposing than his warm personality alone would’ve ever allowed him to be.

“Hey, Jane, nice to see you.” Jane mimicked what was supposed to be M greeting her on any normal day, although she had to accept her voice was nothing like his. Nevertheless, it made M laugh briefly and his cheeks to slightly flush.

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t mean to interrupt" the man responded with a simple wave and a gracious smile on his face, dimples in full view.

“Oh, come on! That’s ridiculous” Jane rolled eyes and scoffed playfully. “You’re not interrupting anything, we were just-“

“I’ll get an ice-Americano” Jaehyun blurted out of the blue. It earned him a confused look from both M and Jane. Then, he cleared his throat in an obvious attempt to remind Jane of his presence.

“Oh, I’m sorry. This is my friend, M and this is his coffee shop” Jane made a small hand gesture, signaling M. Jaehyun only nodded, acknowledging his presence before asking the routine question.

“What does the “M” stand for?”

“Mystery” Jane said almost automatically “It’s a well-kept secret he refuses to disclose, but that’s irrelevant.” Jane interrupted M before he could even begin to explain it himself “Anyway, this is Jaehyun.” Jane moved on, trying to avoid more questions from the blonde man and knowing perfectly well that he was waiting to be introduced. “A friend”

The offhanded way in which she used the word “friend” made Jaehyun frown. It sounded to him the roughly equivalent to “some guy I barely know and have no particular ties to”, but he pushed those thoughts away before Jane could examine his expression closely.

“Nice to meet you,” The two men said almost in unison. An awkward silence followed afterward, but Jane was quick enough to break it with the cute antics she reserved for when she was in the presence of men. She tilted her head, put a finger over her lips and moved it up and down pretending to contemplate her options.

“And I’ll get my usual order,” She said finally.

“Irish coffee with only 1 cm of cream. Be right back” Without further exchange M walked away and disappeared behind the counter seconds later.

Jaehyun remained silent, waiting for Jane to pick up the conversation right where they had left it. There was something he couldn’t point at that made him sulk childishly, so he reached the pocket of his jacket and pulled out his phone. His group’s latest track had been released only a few hours ago and although that was not the right the moment or place, he distracted his mind by swiping at the screen and scrolling down his Twitter feed.

“Ice Americano?” Jane raised a brow and outstretched her hand over the table to hold Jaehyun’s, momentarily diverting his attention away from his phone. “It’s freezing outside, you’re going to get sick.”

Jaehyun held Jane’s hand, the corner of his lip raising faintly “Are you worried about me?”

“Jaehyun, you have three interviews and a concert tomorrow! You can’t get sick” Jane said, suddenly frowning seriously at him. 

“Oh, yeah, right” The man quietly went back to his phone after releasing Jane’s hand. Knowing that it was her work that claimed her thoughts and not him, made him scowl and remained silent until their order came and Jane brought up the topic of Mark’s love issues and how Tara didn’t seem willing to spend Christmas in New York with him and the rest of the group. Then, Jaehyun’s scowl was replaced by a slight indication of concern in his brows.

“You girls are way too complicated” He blurted, barely registering the words he had just pronounced.

“Ohhh, is that so?” Jane’s eyes squint just slightly, a soft smile creeping onto her lips. 

“Yes,” He nodded solemnly  “I see it this way, Tara broke up with Mark, and what was the reason? I don’t know, she just said she was losing herself in their relationship.” Jaehyun picked his drink and gave it a long sip, probably expecting Jane to say something, but at her lack of response, he went on “Then she gets caught going out with that one guy she repeatedly claimed she disliked and now that they are apparently back together she doesn’t want to spend Christmas with him. Does that make sense?” Jaehyun said that last bit rolling eyes.

“Ok, can you stop projecting on Tara and Mark and tell me what is bothering you? Because honestly, I feel you have something to say” She raised a brow to mask her amusement. To be honest, Jane knew perfectly well what the problem was and why Jaehyun was acting like someone had deeply wounded his ego, but she still had to ask the question.

“I just don’t get why we couldn’t stay home with a bottle of La Romanée Grand Cru.” He groaned “The boys all went out, so we had the house all for ourselves” Jaehyun folded his arms over his chest and leaned back on the chair again. He almost looked like some sulking kid who had been denied a piece of cake.

“You seemed perfectly fine just a few minutes a-“ Jane’s speech was interrupted when Jaehyun let out a loud sigh, eyes dark as he glared at something behind her.

“You introduced me as a friend, Jane. That’s what’s bothering me” He said, eyes locking with hers. This time his lips didn’t show any sign of that signature mischievous smile of his. Instead, they were pressed into a thin line.

“Jaehyun, are you serious just now?” Jane’s eyes landed on him, training on his face for a few seconds before speaking again. “I work for your company, you know I can’t go around flaunting our relationship to everybody.”

“Is that so or are you probably trying to keep your options open? Honestly, I get it, we don’t get to spend a lot of time together, but-“

“Shhhh. That’s about enough” Jane cut him off before he said add another word. “Let’s just finish this” She said pointing at their drinks “And then we can go home. We still have a lot of time before the guys go back home and I’m positively freezing, so I need a new outfit”

A doubtful expression set on Jaehyun’s face for only a second before his lips cracked into a small smile, eyes forming into crescents as he nodded.

“You are such a simple-minded man, Jung Jaehyun…” Jane shook her head

“For the record, I did like the coffee and I actually love the outfit” The man reached out for Jane’s hand and laced their fingers together.

“Thanks, it’s Carven” She hummed before taking a sip from the cup resting in front of her.

“I don’t care about the brand as long as I can get it off you when we get home,” Jaehyun said, picking his own drink and gulping it down in a matter of seconds.

“Jaehyun…” Jane gaped at him

“What? I was just hot” Jaehyun shrugged nonchalantly.

“You are going to get sick and I won’t be the one taking care of you” The woman clicked her tongue disapprovingly.

“Probably not, but you’re gonna have to take care of something else” Conveniently enough Jaehyun opened his jacket and looked at his inside pocket, taking his wallet out and picking a 20 pounds bill. Jane tried to ignore it, but the juxtaposition between the his intense stare and the relaxed smirk on his lips was driving her crazy. Even dressed in that casual attire, he kept the same energy that he held clad in those red carpet looks that his fan swooned about. It was frankly annoying.

“Ugh. You are so cheeky. It’s embarrassing.” She composed a grimace, but Jaehyun only chuckled, a wider smirk displaying on his face; his dimples even more evident on his cheeks.

“Is it me or you’re blushing?” Jaehyun teased “Only a few minutes ago you were talking this big game about showing me how dirty-minded you can be, but I guess you were only bluffing. It is such a shame.”

“Shut up, Mr-those-are-not-indecent-lyrics.” Jane’s eyes narrowed “A few minutes ago you were professing your high moral ground and called me dirty-minded for assuming the obvious about your song”

“You know what? Let’s just go.” Jaehyun placed the 20 pounds bill on the table and grabbed Jane by the arm, helping her to stand up.

“But I haven’t finished my coffee yet” She complained, pointing at the cup and its content. 

“I’ll get you another one later, with tons of cream,” Jaehyun said picking Jane’s bag “That's it, if you are a good girl, of course,” he said smirking devilishly, innuendo present in his comment, judging by the way he winked at Jane her “For now, I got some things you want to see” He added, quoting the exact lyrics from his group’s newest release in a sing-song voice

“That was one fine way to ruin such a beautiful and meaningful song” Jane rolled eyes as she allowed Jaehyun to drag her out the coffee shop.

:::

[daybreak-academy-fanfic]

Daybreak Academy: Chapter 57

The Problem With Raspberries

Summary: In which Kieran encourages Anora to ask Ephemer out. Word Count: 1,658 First | Previous | Next ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆

Anora anxiously waited by the school gates. She didn't know what to expect as she waited. A part of her feared that she wouldn't even remember what he looked like. Anora looked back down at her phone, rereading the last message he had sent to her. It was almost noon. Where was he?

The sound of a taxi honking its horn made Anora jump when she heard it. She turned her attention to the sound to see it come up Daybreak Drive and around the cul-de-sac. A part of her expected a student to come out, the other part of her knew that this was who she was waiting for.

Out of the taxi stepped a young man that looked to be in his early 30s. It was quickly apparent that he was a good head taller than she was, but his overall body mass was about the same to hers. His feathered, dark turquoise hair reached to his shoulders and was partially tied back with a small ponytail. His round, dark brown eyes surveyed the area before they fell on Anora. His smile was exactly how she remembered it being three years ago.

“Hey Razzie.” the young man greeted with a smile. Anora could feel her vision start to blur as her eyes welled with tears. Without a second guess, she wrapped her arms around his neck and held on for dear life.

“I missed you...” she mumbled into his shirt.

The young man smiled at her, holding her even closer. “I missed you too, cousin.”

Kieran, Anora's only cousin, had decided to make a surprise visit.

The two were locked in their hug for several minutes before Kieran finally pulled them away. He still kept his hands on his cousin's arms- he looked like he was admiring how much she'd grown since they last met.

“So,” he casually mused, “You've told me that there's a tourist trap of a town nearby, right? Mind showing it to me?”

Anora's face lit up before giving him a quick nod. But then a small frown appeared on her face as she said, “The taxi left...”

Kieran smiled at her. He held up a set of roller skates that he had been holding in his hand. “Race ya.”

The girl looked from her cousin, to the skates, and back again with widening eyes. With a wide grin, she signaled for her cousin to wait where he was so she could get her skates. Kieran laughed as he watched her dart back to the dorms. Some things just don't change.

. . .

“I hate boba tea.” Kieran idly noted as he stirred his straw around his boba. “It's the tapioca pearls that get me. Like, what am I supposed to do with these? Choke on them? Have them get stuck in my straw so I can't actually drink the tea? Ridiculous.”

Anora raised her eyebrow at her cousin- taking a very judgmental sip of her milkshake in doing so. Kieran was quick to pick up on it.

“Now, don't give me that look Razzie.” he admonished. “'Why would you get a boba if you don't like it?' you might say. To which I rebut, because the tea itself is still fantastic! I mean, depending on who's making it, it's not like a smoothie or anything- but it's not actual tea either. It's just the little balls of potential choking hazard that turns me off. That's it.”

With a little chuckle, Anora shook her head at her cousin before continuing to sip on her milkshake. Kieran was the face of normality after the weirdness from the summer. Just hearing her cousin's voice was enough to make her forget about Strelitzia's kiss, and seeing Ephemer react to it, and how Anora almost kissed him on his birthday, and...

“Something's eating you, cousin.” Kieran noted, snapping her out of her thoughts. He pulled his straw out of his boba, gave a disgusted little look at the tapioca pearl stuck at the end, then sucked it off before sticking the straw back in the tea. “Wanna talk about it?”

She should have seen this coming. In fact, she should have known this was coming- Kieran's visit wasn't completely out of nowhere. She had asked him to come because she really needed someone to talk to. Well, she didn't directly ask him to visit. But the subtext was written all over their last email to each other, and since Kieran knew how to take a hint, he immediately made plans to travel over to Departure County.

Shrinking a little in her seat, Anora quietly said, “Remember in our emails I mentioned a boy named Ephemer?”

“How couldn't I?” Kieran snorted. “The first time you brought him up, you composed an entire essay on the way his hair bounced when he laughed.”

Anora bashfully looked away for a moment. It hadn't had been that bad. Had it...? Was it even possible to have a silent crush on someone for that long?

“You also mentioned him in your last email too.” Kieran added, his tone a bit more somber now. “You said he saw you kiss another girl. And in seeing him react, you thought you had developed feelings for him. Like, the kind where you dream about getting together and wake up a hot mess.”

“He's always been a friend to me.” Anora quietly agreed. “But now… I don't want to be just a friend anymore. I don't know how...”

Kieran studied Anora with interest. It really was bad, huh? The way she would blush when she thought about this dude. How badly you could see that she did want to make some sort of move, but was afraid on how to do it. Kieran himself had only a small amount of previous lovers to fall back on; in all but one relationship the girl had been the one to make the first move. And if he knew his cousin well, he was more than aware that she would write off her feelings as belonging to something more circumstantial. But this? This was different. It needed to be different.

“Hey, is there a library around here? I wanna see if they have something real quick.”

Anora gave her cousin a funny look, but nodded her head. After the two finished their drinks, they started to make the short walk over the Cable Town's public library. The library was on a side road, so it was able to have a unique structure apart from the mixed-use buildings that tended to be on the main road. While matching the overall tudor aesthetic the rest of the town had, the library's exterior looked a lot more like a small castle.

Kieran led them both into the library- he made his way through as if he had been here a million times over. He went over to the kids' section and started to comb through the shelves for something in particular.

“Oh darn,” he mumbled to himself, “They don't have it. But they do have...”

Anora could barely see what book he had pulled out. He wouldn't let her see it as he then went over to a small reading area. Since it was made for younger kids, the much larger Kieran almost didn't fit as he made himself comfortable under a canopy.

“Come Razzie,” he cheekily told her, patting the spot beside him, “It's story time.”

For a moment, Anora wondered if her cousin had gone insane. But she carefully started to humor him- it was a tight fit for the both of them to be under the canopy. Anora held her legs close to her chest before carefully leaning against Kieran. Her cousin smiled at her, gave her a little peck on the head, then opened the book up.

“Once upon a time,” he started to read, “There was a princess who lived in a kingdom surrounded by raspberries. But there was one problem- the princess didn't like raspberries! So one day, an evil wizard came by and promised the princess that he could make all the raspberries go away.”

Anora cuddled her cousin a little closer as he went on with the story. She missed having him read to her; his voice went into a slower cadence and worked to pronounce each word with purpose. When she was much younger, and he'd volunteer to read her a story, she'd almost always go to sleep during. It was comforting; relaxing. She had really missed this.

When Kieran was done reading, he carefully closed the book and let out a small sigh.

“Your problems aren't going to go away if you ignore them, Anora.” Kieran told her. At the mention of her real name, Anora jumped and looked up at her cousin with wide eyes. He looked back at her thoughtfully. “While I'm no expert in love or anything,” he went on, “You should definitely talk to Ephemer. Maybe he feels the same way, but since the summer was so eventful, he can't tell if you feel that way too. I mean, if I saw a girl that I liked kiss another girl, I'd immediately assume that she wasn't into dudes. And you don't like girls like that… Do you?”

Anora flinched.

“So you're bi then.” Kieran casually deduced. “Or close enough to it- no big deal. But you do like him, right?”

For this, Anora could feel her face burn up as she looked down at the ground, nodding her head. Kieran put a comforting hand on his cousin's head.

“Tell him Razzie.” he stressed. “I'd hate to think that one of the few times we meet, and you're this upset about a guy, of all things. And don't worry, if he breaks your heart, I know how to use a shotgun.”

Anora laughed. “I love you Kieran.” she giggled.

“Love you too Razzie.” he replied before giving her another kiss on the forehead. “Now, go get him.”

[subvertingyourexpectations]

Top Ten Films of 2019

2019 was… I’m gonna be honest, not a very great year for cinema. Aside from a handful of standouts, I have seen very few things that completely blew me away. Especially given the past few years, we haven’t gotten a Roma, or a Phantom Thread, or a Denis Villeneuve movie. Anyway, this is my top ten favorite films of 2019. 

But first…

Films That Would Make It But Didn’t “Technically” Come Out in 2019

Long Day’s Journey into Night

I already talked at length about this film, but I love it to pieces. It has twisted the visual language of cinema into its own beautiful and bizarre version, crafting a puzzle box of a movie that I absolutely adored. But, it technically came out at the end of 2018, so it can’t be on the list. 

Tigers Are Not Afraid

If you like foreign films, this is a must-see. If you like tragic dramas anchored by some terrific child actor performances, this is a must-see. If you like horror movies, well, it’s not really a horror movie but people keep describing it as one, so you should probably see it. It’s a beautiful little imaginative tale about the effects of the drug war on orphaned kids, and if you can catch it on streaming I would definitely check it out. But, even though it came out in limited release in August, it came out in Mexico in 2017, so I can’t include it. 

One Cut of the Dead 

Maybe the most original film I’ve seen in years? The first half is a terrific little zombie flick all in one camera shot, and somehow the second half expands on this and is ten times better. Watching this in a packed house was one of my favorite moviegoing experiences of the year. It’s one of the most funny and, again, original movies I’ve seen in years.  

Shadow

UGH ALL THE GREAT FOREIGN FILMS DIDN’T COME OUT IN 2019. Anyway this movie is incredible and is maybe the best use of grayscale I’ve seen in any film. 

Movies That Might’ve Made the List But I Sadly Have Not Seen Them Yet

Portrait of a Lady on Fire

Pain and Glory 

1917

Bad Education

Little Women

The Souvenir 

Okay, now onto the actual list…

10. Ad Astra

Brad Pitt and James Gray’s remake of Apocalypse Now in space is maybe the weirdest premise for a movie, and yet I really enjoyed Ad Astra. There’s clearly some touches of studio interference that make this movie worse (read: Brad Pitt’s narration), but the underlying themes of anxiety and depression are some of the best I’ve seen on screen. Couple that with Brad Pitt’s best performance of the year (yes), the visual splendor on display, and this movie is an easy inclusion in my top ten of the year. 

9. Uncut Gems

I need to go lie down. After really enjoying the Safdie Brothers’ previous films (Good Time and Heaven Knows What), I was really excited for this movie, and I was not let down. The frenetic, dare-I-say crackhead energy that the Safdies are able to convey in their films is immensely satisfying to watch, and the way Adam Sandler channels it is one of my favorite performances of the year. The last twenty minutes of this movie is just pure panic attack. 

8. The Irishman

Somehow Scorsese’s 209-minute long epic is one of the most watchable films of the year. This is just a terrific example of everyone firing on all cylinders; the performances are great, the script is great, the editing is unbelievable (this movie feels like it is two hours long), and the directing and thematic development towards the third act is some of Scorsese’s best.  

7. The Farewell

A calling card for director Lulu Wang as much as it is for Awkwafina in dramatic roles, The Farewell is an absolute delight. The family dynamics throughout all feel refreshingly authentic, and the film masterfully weaves between its comedic moments and tragic undertones. If it wasn’t for some choices made at the ending, this would probably rank higher on my list. 

6. El Camino

How bad was 2019 for film? A Breaking Bad movie is my sixth favorite film of the year. It doesn’t matter if we “needed” this movie or not, El Camino is just so incredibly well-made and enjoyable. It’s always a pleasure seeing something new in the Breaking Bad universe, but more than that I think this film is a genuinely beautiful swan song for one of the greatest characters in television.

5. Waves

This movie is meandering, aimless, pretentious, and completely style over substance. And yet, the last half hour of this movie hit me harder than almost anything this year. Regardless of how you feel about the characters, I feel like Waves has an overwhelmingly positive message in the end, which is to grow away from your hatred and learn to forgive and love. I’m sure many people will find the way this movie gets to that message to be kind of pointless and wandering, but to me it just turned a pretty good film into one of my favorites of the year. 

4. The Mustang

My local 3-screen art house closed in April of this year. I went there as often as I could, because they were the only theater in town that would play a lot of independent and foreign films. It was the first place I saw Roma, and the first (and, let’s face it, last) time I saw Stalker on the big screen. The last night they were open, I went and saw The Mustang, not based on anything to do with the movie, just because I wanted to be there one last time. It was completely sold out, far busier than I’d ever seen them. In the past I’d always had free roam of where to sit, but that last night I was in the third row from the front.  

If Ad Astra is about depression, then The Mustang is about anger, and learning to overcome your anger and grow as a person. It’s about a prison in Nevada that has a rehabilitation program where violent convicts train wild Mustangs, which are later sold to local ranches and farms. Roman (a terrific performance from Matthias Schoenaerts) is one such convict, and his personal struggle to overcome his anger is beautifully realized against the backdrop of having to fight a wild animal. (Seriously, he goes in swinging and it does not end well for him.) It’s a great story, and it’s a must-watch if you haven’t seen it. The emotional ending coupled with the fact that my favorite theater was closing left me a complete wreck when the credits rolled. (I’m starting to realize my top five films all just boil down to “the ending wrecked me”.) 

3. The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part

This is like The Mustang but for kids.

Okay okay, hear me out, I only saw this movie once when it first came out 11 months ago, and I’m not ever watching it again because I thought it was perfection. I feel like on a repeat visit the songs will become grating, the plot will feel ridiculous, and the themes of toxic masculinity that I appreciated so dearly will seem like faint whispers instead of clear subtext. And yet in the theater, I absolutely adored the songs and the plot and the clear subtext about being a better brother/man. The real-world parallels that were a surprise twist at the end of the first film are used beautifully in The Second Part, because the plot is simply just one big metaphor for a little sister who wants to play with her older brother. It’s touching, it’s funny, and it gets stuck inside your heart. It’s such a shame that the LEGO film franchise is all but dead, because if we had kept getting films like this, children’s movies would definitely be better for it. 

2. Parasite

Everything fantastic about this film has already been said about it by people far smarter than me, so I’ll just say this: it is every bit as amazing as people hyped it up to be. This movie is a biting satire, a laugh-out-loud comedy, and an edge of your seat thriller. It has left an imprint on my brain since I first saw it back in October, to the point where as much as I have tried to analyze and dissect, this film, I don’t know if there’s a single flaw with it, there’s genuinely nothing I would change about this movie. If you see one movie this year, it should be Parasite. 

1. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

In July of 2019, I had to make probably the biggest decision of my (brief) career thus far. I was going to leave my management position at a 24-screen theater I’d loved dearly to go work in an office. I loved everything about the movie theater, I’d worked there for almost four years, but at a certain point it just had diminishing returns. Newer upper management and constant changes coming down from the big-whigs had turned my favorite building into a place I started to resent, a place I didn’t recognize. I tried to fight the change, and re-institute everything I loved about this building that I practically grew up in, but you can’t fight change, and you shouldn’t romanticize the past.  

I’ve never seen these themes more realized in film than in The Last Black Man in San Francisco. It tells the story of Jimmie Fails, a native San Franciscan who has to watch the city he’s loved his whole life descend into a rapidly gentrified hellscape that leaves many homeless and helpless. He often visits his childhood home, a beautiful three-story house with a “witch hat” on top, now owned by an older white couple. This doesn’t stop him from romanticizing the house, romanticizing the past, as he constantly visits and attempts to fix up the house, oftentimes clashing with the current inhabitants. 

This disdain from the couple is an all-too-real parallel message that he’s getting from the city itself: You’re not welcome here anymore. Much as Jimmie has tied his identity to this home, and this city, he is hardly welcome in either. But for one brief instant, he gets to live his dream. The house gets stuck in a familial dispute, causing the older couple to move out. Leaving behind a big empty house that no one is occupying, Jimmie and his best friend Montgomery decide to just move right in, and have their way. They bring in all the old furniture from Jimmie’s childhood, they paint the walls, repair the original woodworking, all in service of Jimmie’s dream to simply exist in this space, and preserve something sacred.

Eventually though, reality comes crashing down, and try as he might, Jimmie can’t stay in the house, and he has to learn a hard truth: you cannot tie yourself emotionally to a physical space. Whether it’s a house, a city, a job, you simply cannot love something that doesn’t love you back. You will get hurt every time. 

But it’s so easy to love. It’s so easy to play the piano in the entranceway of your childhood home. It’s so easy to relax in the sauna upstairs, or smoke on the balcony, or just lay on the floor and admire the witch hat. The Last Black Man in San Francisco makes you fall in love with this house, and with Jimmie and Montgomery, and as much as we see ourselves in them, we too have to learn the same lessons. As much as we want to inhabit a space, and get the fullest potential out of it, you cannot ever stop change, and you cannot stand in the way of it without going insane. 

And maybe it was just because I was going through this personal development the first time I saw this movie, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. It stuck in my brain so much that by the time I saw it a second time, I was a complete mess; I cried four times. I cried for Jimmie, I cried for the house, and I cried for myself. I cried for the things we all lost, the things that would never be the same, and because we would have to learn to accept that. This is what’s so beautiful about The Last Black Man in San Francisco, and on top of the phenomenal acting, emotional script, and gorgeous visuals, it’s what made it my favorite film of the year.  

[sourcherrymagiks]

Carry on Countdown 2019

Day 18 - Crack!

Lamplight

Ao3

Simon

He’s trying to avoid talking to me. That’s how it happens. There was kissing. Amazing kissing. Merlin and Morgana, he’s beautiful and when he kisses me back.....

But anyway. He’s also a stuck up twat who can avoid the shit out of anything. We were back in the room after the kissing (Great Snakes,that kiss though) and he was taking forever to hang his blazer up so he didn’t have to look at me or talk to me. What was I going to do but come up behind him and kiss his neck? I ask you, what else could I have done?

Which is how we came to stumble and fall into the wardrobe. And then straight out of the back. Into a drift of snow.

“Erm Baz, this is going to sound pretty stupid but I think we just fell into...”

“Narnia”

“Yes”

Baz

I know that this is somehow his fault. Why does he always have to involve me in his ridiculous heroics. Although, to be fair, this is well outside of his usual remit.

“Snow, might I suggest we go back? From memory Narnia has its own set of chosen ones. Lots of them. They can probably get by without you”

“I’m not sure that’s how this works, the path has gone”

I look around and he’s totally right. It’s just us, in the snow, under a lamppost.

I can’t keep the petulant tone out of my voice as I say “But you are our chosen one, you belong to the world of Mages”

He laughs and kisses me. “Didn’t know you cared you big softy” I briefly toy with the idea of snapping at him but instead I pull him back into another kiss.

When I pull away to catch my breath and try to get a hold over my treacherous body, Simon gets up. I grumble a bit under my breath but then I decide to co operate a bit. Grudgingly. It seems very unfair that we are here and not snogging in our room. Even though I was the one avoiding the snogging (Why?, I’m such an idiot)

Snow’s sketching in the snow with a stick. It looks like nonsense until I’m standing right next to him. Then it hits me at once, he’s drawn a map of Narnia. From memory.

I must be staring at him because he starts laughing.

“I know you think I’m a thick urchin who’s only ever read cereal packets but I’ve loved Narnia my whole life”

“Me too, that part is not quite right” I alter the shape of the western forest slightly so it ends further from the frozen lake. “I would definitely remember if you were the hero in it. I suppose you do have a bit of Peter about you”

“Fuck off Caspian” he throws a snowball at me. I throw one back. Then I kiss him again because this is all unbelievable.

He’s sketching plot points out now, trying to work out the timeline.

“Right you gorgeous villain, we need to get to the camp here in time for the battle. There’s enough footprints and sled tracks here to show they’ve all been through fairly recently. I don’t think we can help at any point up until the end, do you agree?”

“I do, excuse me while I try to absorb the shock of you being a reader.” He lightly punches me on the arm, he’s blushing. “Is your magic working?”

We both laugh

“As well as it ever does, yours?”

I take out my wand and cast ‘lights out’ at the lamp post. It blinks off.

“Cool. Let’s get moving. Keep your wand out. I don’t want to draw my sword until I need it and I, Erm, can I hold your hand please”

“Come here” I grab his hand and before I can stop myself I’ve kissed his knuckles.

“I like this, you,like this” he bumps my shoulder with his.

Simon

I’m really excited. I dunno if it’s the Baz thing or the Narnia thing but I’m so amped up I’m practically skipping.

“So, Caspian then?” Baz asks with his eyebrow up.

“It’s possible that I might have been not entirely straight for a while”

“You think?”

“There’s no need for that tone you wanker”

Then I’ve got him up against a tree. This want is everything. I need to touch him, kiss him, press myself against him.

He doesn’t just let me, he right there with me, pulling my hair, licking my neck, moaning into my mouth.

He pulls away gasping “Right Snow, let’s get back to the mission and stop debauching the pristine Narnian forests”

“But I like it, I like you” I’m whining a bit.

“You aren’t completely intolerable either Snow”

We seem to have been walking forever. I slept about ten minutes last night. I would kill for some Turkish delight.

“In the books it doesn’t seem this far”

I moan to Baz

“Heaven forbid that the made up world is larger than the children’s book made it appear”

“I get your point, even though you’re a twat, but its hardly made up is it?”

He shrugs. I’m rubbing off on him. That makes me smile. I nearly don’t hear the crack of the twig, I’ve disarmed the guard before I’ve had chance to worry about my sword or magic. They aren’t the best written soldiers.

“Take us to either Peter or Aslan please” I ask the battered looking Narnian as politely as I can be arsed to. I’m not great at manners when I’m hungry and tired.

Baz

Peter is beautiful, not a patch on Snow obviously, but still. The two of them together are blinding. Simon offers our assistance and Peter accepts a little unwillingly. I’m not sure he would at all if not for the wonderful Lucy. She never sees herself as the protagonist so she doesn’t have the same struggle as Peter. To be fair I wouldn’t want to share my story with Simon bloody Snow if I already had three siblings and a lion muscling in on the action. Poor fuck.

The two of them spend the afternoon practicing, Snow is better trained and in great shape but Peter is faster and lighter in his feet. It’s glorious.

When Simon fights Edmund it’s a different thing. No longer a master class in heroic swordplay fought by two golden leaders. Now it’s like a cunning bar fight. Simon has to stop himself from head butting Edmond. When he throws an elbow at Edmond’s face,then stops before it connects, Edmond is not so polite and punches Simon in his exposed ribs. It’s very feral.

When they’re done he comes over and presses his sweaty lips to mine. I don’t know how I avoid making a scene.

Obviously it’s still a bit of a scene. Uncomfortable coughs and averted eyes abound. Then simultaneously everyone decides to ignore it and peace is restored.

I leave to speak with Lucy. She’s got magic and I want to see if I can help her use it. It doesn’t work like ours though. She can’t harness it. I advise her to go to Watford as soon as she can when she returns home. She probably won’t.

She gives Simon a small banner embroidered with a dragon holding a blazing sun. He tucks it into his pocket because the courageous fuck won’t wear armour. He kisses her head. I’m completely flabbergasted when she gives me one emblazoned with a flaming moon. I must be allergic to it because my eyes are watering.

After dinner we talk tactics. Simon keeps quiet about upcoming plot points and focuses on the battle. Simon and Peter lean over the map, blond hair and copper curls tumbling together as the argue over every inch. From his plan I deduce that Snow’s aim is to kill the witch while keeping all the kids well out of the way. This goes down like a sack of shit with Peter. It’s his story and he is the king. Gorgeous (and capable) as Simon is he can’t lead this army. They aren’t loyal to him. Also he won’t play by their outdated battle rules, fight in a line and die, because he knows better. They finally agree on enough compromises to keep everyone happy and save lives. A lot of lives.

In spite of the protests I hold my ground. I will stay by his side regardless of what he thinks he’s going to order me to do.

It’s fun. Really. I mean there is an impending battle but, Crowley, I’ve read that battle so many times. It’s going to be brilliant. I catch Simon’s eye and I know he feels it too.

Simon

I can’t fucking sleep. This is going to be epic. I’m traipsing around the camp looking for anything to take my mind off the combination of wanting to get into this battle and wanting to do unspeakable things to Baz.

It’s not the time though, right?

We still haven’t talked. It’s possible we’ve managed to bring a fictional world to life to avoid talking. But I’m going to tell him after the battle. Hopefully it will be dead romantic.

Baz

The battle starts off early and badly, not quite as badly as I remember because Simon is genius at this and Peter listened to about a quarter of his suggestions. Plus there are two of them.

The absolute confidence of them helps keep up the morale that’s been damaged by Aslan fucking off.

Simon hadn’t mentioned that he was the bearer of a flaming sword or that he had a particularly impressive brand of violent, pulsing magic so when he calls his sword, the fear it causes slams the first wave right back.

I cast quickly and use so much magic that I’m nearly spent in moments but I have taken down most of the ogres and a couple of hags. Peter, Edmond and Simon smash through line after line of the White Witch’s army. Simon is actually grinning, the prat.

I wait for Simon’s signal to disarm the White Witch. Then he’s on her in a moment with Edmond and Peter. She never stands a chance.

By the time Aslan arrives back with the girls there’s only cleaning up and healing to do. He growls at Simon and Simon shrugs at him. He turns his back clearly as pissed off as a magical lion gets.

“This was not your battle Mage”

“Explain how it just was then wise one?”

Simon is brillant at one liners, when he’s not fighting me. I guess it’s in the job description. Aslan grunts and continues back to his tent. What a prick. I guess he’s not willing to let the homoerotic subtext turn into the story.

It’s very clear we’ve outstayed our welcome.

Simon

That was mega. But now it’s time to go. I don’t want to fuck with these guys and I also don’t want Aslan to eat me.

It’s a pretty shitty deal those kids have got anyway. Kings and queens in one land but not able to stay. We hug them goodbye. At least I live where I live. Except for right now obviously.

I grab Baz and we set off back to the lamppost.

“That was amazing, you were amazing” I say to him

He looks at me like he thinks I might he taking the piss.

“You did an ok job yourself Snow. You’re not as pretty as Peter though”

I’m glad he catches me when I jump on him. “Take that back Pitch”

“It’s an objective fact Snow, he is more dashing, I just prefer you”

“You do?”

“Yes you attention seeking numpty, I have appalling taste so I prefer you to most people”

“Good. Because, well, I’m, I think I might be, falling, you know, for you” Merlin. I doubt he’s even going to understand that.

Then he kisses me and I know he does.

Baz

I’ve been kissing Snow for hours. We don’t know how time works here relative to Watford so we should get back. But it’s complicated there and easy here under a lamppost in a forest full of spring.

It’s also not our story.

Simon still has his own story to finish.

“Ready Sweetheart?”

“Not really love”

“Shall we do it anyway?”

“After you”

[masterthespianduchovny]

Opposites Attract May Actually Be Oil and Water

I’m probably going to get some hate or words of “don’t tag you hate”, but this post isn’t about hate, it’s about reflection and kids and young teens understanding healthy relationships. Immediately, people think of romance, but this comment isn’t just referring to romance, but platonic relationships as well.

I started reading this series when I was around 9 and I picked up the subtext (or trope) that Ron and Hermione were going to be in a relationship. It felt cliché, but what can you do about it?

As the books progressed, I never warmed to or felt comfortable with these relationship. I don’t need to ship a relationship to say, “I can live with that”, but it has to make sense within that universe.

Romoine doesn’t.

People like to talk about opposites attract and how Ron and Hermione balance one another out, but this is all fan conjecture. 

Most of their interaction in the series is real arguments and being dismissive of one another. They were being playful about this or having basic disagreements--they did and said hurtful things. But, we’re summing this up as “opposites attract?”

I had a guy friend in high school. We had huge crushes on one another. It wasn’t a case of opposites attract even though it appeared that way, but we argued A LOT. Let me clarify: we had debates and playfully argued. We never insulted one another--not for real. When we did, we weren’t being serious. It was slight teasing and tongue in cheek. When we thought we said something wrong and that the other may have been offended, we apologized. More times than not, the other never read into it.

Hermione and Ron threw real insults at each, Hermione enacted real violence on Ron, and they made the other feel bad about themselves, yet this is being downplayed for “well, opposites do attract...”

Back to my guy friend, in the end, things got bad between us because I had something I shouldn’t had said. A handful of times we insulted each other for real and, after that, our friendship was irrevocably broken.

I understand that everyone is different, but there is no way in hell a relationship based off two people insulting each other and arguing for real would last unless it’s a toxic one. 

Yeah, people grow up and change, but these are teens we are talking about. They are going to want to cut their losses and move on. Ron is going to want to be with someone less serious--she doesn’t have to be completely goofy. Hermione is going to want someone who takes things more seriously and not just a handful of things. 

Honestly, I couldn’t imagine being with someone who constantly insulted my intelligence, tried to make me feel less than, and shunned me out of friend circles. I’ve cut off people over less.

Ron and Hermione had a handful of good moments, but they weren’t particularly good friends to one another, despite caring about each other. And they would’ve been even worse in a relationship realistically. 

Them ending up together doesn’t seem just like wish fulfillment for Rowling, but the fans as well. I do apologize if that sounds insulting, but this relationship was poorly developed. It truly was. And not many can admit that. Some are upset about Rowlings comments years ago because “finally the guy got the girl,” which proves my point.

Here’s a pairing of opposites attract done well (not the romance, which was poorly written): Mulder and Scully.

Mulder believes in aliens and Scully doesn’t--she’s all about science; Scully is Catholic and Mulder is an atheist. Scully follows the rules, Mulder is all about breaking them. But, they both care about the truth and helping the people.

Despite passionately disagreeing with one another, they mostly are respectful of the other’s stance. Scully doesn’t believe in aliens, but she takes her job seriously, believes in Mulder, and tries to validate ‘his’ work. Mulder knows Scully is all about the science and suggests various ideas for her to implement and collects samples for her to test. He appreciates her contribution to the work.

Scully sometimes believes Mulder’s ideas are wonky and tells him as much, but tries not to ridicule him. When Scully is having a hard time and turns to her faith, Mulder is respectful of that.

Most importantly, these two argue ALL OF THE TIME. Their relationship kind of centers around that, but they don’t insult each other or make the other feel bad for their differences. Every few seasons there are episodes where the character admits to the other that they value what the other brings to the table. Hell, it’s material shippers want off to. 

I don’t mind the opposites attract trope. I don’t even mind that they disagree. What I do mind is they insult each other and have heated arguments due to their compatibility. I do mind that we don’t get many moments of them as friends and two people who value each other on a basic level. I mean without prompt. There is very little of this.

They have an unhealthy relationship both romantically and platonically. 

At best, Ron and Hermione would’ve dated for a few weeks either before 1. Amicably ending it and it being awkward for a while 2. A bitter ending that shifts the dynamic of the trio, which Hermione suffers the worst of, which there is precedence for. 

[bre95611]

Dean’s Biggest Fears

So while writing part 2 of my meta series about Anna, Cas, and Dean in season 4, I wrote a meta within my meta. I was rewatching “Yellow Fever” for the series and realized there’s just way too much content to try and put in one small section. So I cut a lot of it. And then the amazing @theirprofoundbond​ read through what I had and suggested that I just bite the bullet and make a mini-meta about just what all I dug into about “Yellow Fever”. So now, here we are! 

There is another amazing meta the @drsilverfish wrote about the queer reading of this episode and I highly recommend you all check it out. You can find it here.

“Yellow Fever” is a treasure trove of subtext, showing everything that Dean is afraid of. Textually, it’s all fairly common fears, albeit some a bit more exaggerated than others.  I believe it is important to look in to why the fears that manifested, did. The Sheriff, shown as a germaphobe before he develops symptoms of ghost sickness, is later shown using steel wool to try and clean his arms, showing us that the ghost sickness feeds on fears that are already there! Because of this, “Yellow Fever” gives us wonderful insight into the inner workings of the most emotionally constipated man ever. We can use this episode to find out what Dean is truly afraid of.

Chronologically the fears get worse, so we can see subtextually what Dean’s worst fear is, as the sickness progresses.

The episode opens on Dean running from the cutest little dog ever. We know, looking back on the episode as a whole, that this happen when Dean’s time is pretty close to up, maxing out the ridiculous factor of the manifestations of his fears. The further in the sickness he gets, the less mundane they seem. We also know that he was hallucinating then, perceiving that cute dog as a Hellhound, a point that is shown through the mirroring of the scene in season 3 when he is being chased through the woods and us hearing the snarling of a Hellhound. SO, the very first manifestation the audience sees of Dean’s fears is something that has to do with Hell. The biggest fear Dean currently has is Hell. What happened when he was there. What HE DID while he was there. It is shown time and time again throughout this episode.

Backing up to when Dean is first infected.

The first fear we see chronologically is the teenagers! Going off the inference that the sickness triggers your worst fears the closer to death you are, we can take this as a manifestation of Dean's least pressing overarching fear. So what do the teenagers mean?

Dean wants to walk on the opposite side of the street because of the teenagers. This man that has been to Hell and back, kills the things that go bump in the night, is scared of the youths. (Any New Girl fans?) This strikes me as a representation of his lost childhood. Dean never got a chance to be a teenage burnout, at least, not in the same way as a standard teenager. Yes, he dropped out, but not because he was partying. Because his DAD. Because of the lifestyle they had to lead in their line of work. So he is afraid of not having had a normal childhood, afraid of his dad’s influence on his life during his formative years.

Next is the snake!

I’m not going to go in to much detail on this one as its heavily mentioned in the above meta. (Seriously, go read it.) But just so we’re all on the same page, it’s the D. Dean is afraid of the D. Afraid to acknowledge his attraction to men. This establishes Dean's closeted sexuality as the most pressing fear thus far.

Dean driving like a grandma is hilarious. When Sam mentions he is going the speed limit. And then he passes the motel they are staying at because he isn’t going to make a left hand turn into oncoming traffic. “I’m not suicidal!” I think what we can take from this is Baby is his HOME. And Dean is afraid of doing something to damage that home. This ties into the teenagers bit as well, in regards to his childhood. That car has been more of a home to him than any other building throughout his life. And that love for Baby was definitely established during those formative years, the initials, toy soldier, legos in the heat vents, all things that happened when his DAD was driving (do we sense a theme yet, kids? It's all John's fault). Recently having lost that home, when he went to Hell, he feels that fear a little stronger, knowing how much it hurts to lose Baby, and not wanting to experience that again.

The scene where Dean states he didn’t go to their room because of it being on the fourth floor is lovely for giving us the gift of the “Eye of the Tiger” blooper, but other than that, it doesn’t serve much else of a purpose, besides reinforcing the fear of heights Dean has, something the audience is already aware of due to the fear of flying. However, I do think it’s humbling almost that this larger than life, macho dude is scared shitless of heights, such a common fear. I believe it also serves the purpose of believability for the GA, presenting another common, meaningless fear amidst the subtext.

Next we see where Dean’s hallucinations start.

This screams fragile masculinity. The fear is essentially that he isn’t allowed to feel fear, or any emotions for that matter. This is another fear that has a link back to his childhood, especially his dad’s role in that upbringing. John raised him as a soldier, masculine to a fault. No “softer” emotions are allowed, real men don’t cry. So the words in that book are taunting him and his conditioned inability to show his softer side and experience a full spectrum of emotions and reactions. John raised a man, not a baby. This manifestation also doubles as showing us the overlap in Dean's closeted sexuality and his militaristic upbringing. It makes a connection in the viewership's minds between the way Dean was raised and the reason he is literally in Narnia. I think it's moments like these that have created the "John Winchester's A+ Parenting" tag on AO3.

The creepy lumber yard is just that, creepy. I really can’t think of ANY other way this could be read, but by god did I try. The gun though! Another one that gives me a fragile masculinity feel. Considering this episode is fairly logical in it's order of the fears, that view is on track. This is a portrayal of his fear of being pigeon-holed into his father’s alpha male plan for his life. Guns have a very phallic feel to them as well, so something that as well, a continuation of that childhood/sexuality overlap. Afraid to act on his bisexuality and pursue men.

The CAT!

OMG one of my favorite scenes in the show cause god bless that prepubescent scream Jensen manages to pull off. But I think this is another one that hints subtextually at bisexual Dean. Cats are typically treated as a more feminine pet, so Dean is afraid to embrace his more feminine qualities, embracing his emotions, chick flicks, etc. More literally though, a euphemism for vagina is pussy. So maybe this is a manifestation of his fear of only ever being with women and not being able to experience things for the first time (Coughcoughseason10coughcough).

Next we have him freaking out about the badges. The fake FBI badges. Flustered Dean is just a cutie. Fear of getting caught being someone he’s not though? Fear of not being himself??? FEAR OF STAYING IN THE CLOSET.

Yellow Eyed Sam was creepy and made me very uncomfortable. But here is our first manifestation of his fear of Hell. AND his fear of losing Sam to Ruby. It ties in directly to his confusion over what to do in regards to Sam and everything that happened with Ruby  during his time in Hell. Sam is telling Dean how he’s going to go back to Hell. Which we have established is WAY up there in Dean’s list of fears.

After that, we have Dean hallucinating Hellhounds coming for him followed by the Sheriff showing up and having black eyes. Guys. Dean hated Hell. He REALLY doesn’t want to go back, I can’t stress this enough.

Final thing we get is Lillith. Now drsilverfish’s meta has a really great queer reading of this scene. I absolutely love it. But another way that scene could be read is DEAN IS SCARED OF GOING TO HELL AGAIN. Like seriously guys, it’s at the forefront of his mind constantly. He is terrified of HIMSELF and what he did there. When Dean asks why him, Lillith says Dean knows why and that he should listen to his heart. Queer reading, Dean likes dudes. Non-queer reading though, he liked torturing souls in Hell, he was good at it. And that is something he doesn't know how to deal with. He’s afraid to be that guy again (which makes what Cas asks him to do in 4x16 even more fucked up, but that's for another time) and he’s confused as to how to move forward with that sort of knowledge about himself.

Summary of Yellow Fever, Cause I know I just threw a lot at you:

Dean’s fears are 3 pretty neat and tidy categories.

From least to most on a fear level:

1. Childhood/Daddy Issues

Dean fears what the loss of his formative years mean for him now as a grown man. He fears how the lost childhood, and what was basically the norm for him and his family due to his dad’s influence, has affected his development into an adult. This is the least pressing fear, as it is something Dean has been dealing with basically since he was a kid. I feel a lot of the initial introspection he might have had would have come into play back when the show canonically starts, with Dean having to face Sam, the biggest reason Dean didn’t really have a childhood.

2. Dean’s Closeted Bisexuality

There is a lot of bleed from Daddy Issues into this category, because of the influence John obviously had on Dean’s view of masculinity. The only reason this doesn’t rank number one in this episode is because its something Dean has been dealing with for a lot longer, and thus had time to adjust.

3. Hell

Dean is terrified of Hell. He’s afraid of what he did, who he is, who he became, and more than ANYTHING, he’s afraid to go back. This one gets top rank due to how fresh in Dean’s mind it is. At this point in the timeline of the show, Dean’s been topside for months at most, if not only weeks. We know he has been struggling to sleep and up until now hasn’t talked about it at all. The end of this episode is the first time we find out that Dean tortured souls in Hell, too. It puts repeat viewers in a cool situation where we see all these things Dean does in early season 4, desperately trying to save everyone he can, to make amends for what he did under Alastair’s tutelage. And it allows us to see early signs like the Lillith scene that depict Dean’s fear that all of this is happening to him because he was a bully in Hell, because he enjoyed hurting people. The layers of this show. Geez.

So hopefully here soon I will be able to get it together about get part 2 of the series finished soon. If you would like to read part 1 you can check it out right here, and I’ll update this one with links as I finish more of the series. Once again, thanks to @agusvedder​ for the gifs! I appreciate you!

Thanks everyone for reading! Let me know what you think!

[peepingtoad]

Anonymous Fanmail // always accepting

Good evening (or day) to you anon! Let me say first off how touching it was to see this message pop up earlier on! I know my activity has been spotty as hell lately, with inspiration being flaky and my attention span even more so--so it really is encouraging to hear that the little I've managed to do in the past couple of months is still well received.

From reading your message it seems like you have a great handle on writing and vocabulary, but I also know that English really can be a bastard of a language whenever it deviates from the standard. So I can only commend your commitment to gaining even more understanding.

So to answer your question, under the cut are some of the authors/works that have influenced me most. I’ve not really had a chance to make my way through my huge reading list, or read much for a couple years now, so I’ll just mention some of the ones that really stuck in my mind:

Darren Shan 

I really must start with Darren Shan, because for a teen author his descriptions of monsters and violence still are some of the most viscerally gross and visual I've ever read. So you can imagine what it was like reading him as a 9/10 year old! I don't get to show it very often on Jiraiya, but I really do love to write a bit of nasty gore where I can. This probably shows more when I'm writing certain toad stomach themed jutsu scenes... but yeah. This author really inspired me as a kid, and fantasy-horror for young adults is still a genre I'd love to write one day (if I ever come up with a solid original idea, that is)! Which leads me on to--

Stephen King

Who, honestly, I haven't really kept up to date with. The novels I read by him were his classics: Carrie, Misery, Pet Sematary... which I think were all written before I was born, now that I think about it. I know he can be a little long-winded for some, but I really appreciate how he builds up tension and works with multiple threads at a time. His are some of the few books that actually made me scared in my teens, his psychological horror is great, and he doesn’t shy away from a sex scene, even if they’re usually horrible. I always love an author who goes into nitty-gritty, not necessarily pleasant detail.

J.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R. Tolkien

A predictable one, I'm sure! But I've definitely drawn influence from the sheer world-building of Middle Earth, which has inspired worlds for my own OCs, but in regards to fandom has made me want to delve a little deeper into areas the canon leaves unexplained (it really is my goal to one day fill in all the blanks in Jiraiya's life, working with what little we were given and the messy timeline). And while Tolkien's characters can be a little wooden and overly functional at times, the true joy I find in his works is the sprawling descriptions of nature and the world, and how well-linked all of the characters/figures of the past are to each other. Also I feel it's an unpopular opinion, but I absolutely adore the songs/poems. Every one of them. Especially 'The Ent and the Entwife'.

Richard Adams

Most known for Watership Down, and his style again contains lots of beautiful nature imagery (with a very strong environmentalist lean). It's a pretty traumatic story, as anyone who has seen the animated film from the late 70's will recall, but what the book offers on top of that is a whole mythology that the animals believe in, world-building, animal characters that are both intelligent and believably still animals, gorgeous descriptions of the English countryside... yeah. It's one of my all time favourites! I’ve yet to bring myself to read The Plague Dogs, however, because I know it will upset me a whole lot.

Whoever the hell wrote 'The Soddit' and 'Bored of the Rings'

Yes, seriously. I'm a sucker for a good spoof, and these made me laugh out loud. I recall many terrible euphemisms. Not to be read with a critical mind whatsoever :’) they are kinda trash, but I really enjoy content that doesn’t take itself very seriously.

Terry Pratchett

Count this as a relatively new inspiration--I'm an absolute newbie when it comes to Pratchett, if I'm honest, which is ridiculous because it’s right up my alley. I’ve only fully read Good Omens (with Neil Gaiman), read halfway through a few of the standalone Discworlds, and watched several of the animated and BBC series adaptations, but I’m definitely inspired. It's just really daunting to know where to start with the main body of Discworld in particular. But I think after spending my childhood enjoying comedic fantasy in general (I also thank the Fable trilogy of games for that), it was only natural that I found his tongue-in-cheek, conversational to the point of being mundane, playing with tropes style a perfect fit for me. All of that, with some pretty immense world-building in too! It’s great to see such a loved world that is written in such a light, funny way (from what I’ve read), especially since I do my best to let humour inject itself into my writing wherever possible.

Oscar Wilde

And more specifically, The Picture of Dorian Gray. This is just peak gothic sexy decadence, I assure you. And it's one of my all time favourites... again, for gorgeous descriptions, but it's more sensory than physical. And of course, high-key gay subtext. And did I mention it's sexy? Not in the obvious way, just in a 'this level of indulgent description of luxuries and hedonism is downright slutty' kind of way. If you want obvious sexy though, definitely check out the film starring Ben Barnes too!

Anaïs Nin

Ok look, so in answer to one of your other questions, I do indeed read fanfic. Not as much now as I used to or would like to, but I certainly do. And Anaïs Nin is one of the few well known erotic writers I’ve read that I think is better than the best fanfiction stuff I’ve read. Because honestly, lots of them are dudes (sorry Jiraiya) and it’s just... nah. I’ve always thought that the erotic writing in decent fanfic tended to be high tier for somebody not paid to do it. Anyway, when it comes to Nin the writing is beautifully sensual, but I’ll warn you for questionable content at times--and I mean triggering content. I think that a lot of her erotic short stories were commissioned by others, so I don’t judge her, but there is also a lot of symbolism within the taboo so... that’s my warning about that.

John Keats

Time for a poet, and one of my favourites is this guy. Pretty much covering the Romantic/Gothic cusp, all the poems I remember reading by him were long, indulgent, sensual and low-key filthy. I can’t really say much other than read Keats! ‘Isabella, or the Pot of Basil’ is a favourite!

Seamus Heaney

My favourites are ‘Death Of a Naturalist’ and ‘Blackberry-Picking’. Get that gross, kinda visceral nature imagery. Nice.

Wilfred Owen

Mostly studied him in college, which I enjoyed a lot, but I ended up revisiting his war poetry when I started writing Jiraiya. Something about the way he questions patriotism and feels for the ‘enemy’ related a lot to him for me, and the poems themselves are so tragic they really spark up your empathy.

... As for songwriters? Hmm. Lyrically, I always enjoy pretty gloomy stuff. Nick Cave, The Cure, Placebo, Depeche Mode. A lot of it very spooky and sad-romantic. I definitely have a type :’) a definite favourite is also Björk, both for her surreal lyrics, and the crazy stuff she can do with her voice also helps!

I’m honestly struggling to think of more off the top of my head, because I know I have read and enjoyed more books/poetry than this. Sadly I’ve been too preoccupied with other things to branch out into more world literature, but it’s something I want to make an effort to do--especially Chinese and Japanese literature, some of which are on my current book pile. But these are some of the few that came straight to mind for me, and are probably my biggest influences. Hope you enjoyed my lengthy rambling nonetheless. And again, thank you so much for your kind message! It really lifted my spirits <3