#like i need to talk to my therapist bc like why am i basing the valdiity of my gender on how i want men to like me?

[theepoetspoem]

I bite my nails now. A disgusting habit I thought I'd kicked when I was 12 and looked over and saw how beautiful long nails looked on the girl who sat next to me in social studies. It's kind of wild that social studies as a class exists, when it stands as the study of social relationships and the functioning of society. We learned about it for a minimum of six years, and then we go out into the world and see what we see now. History repeats itself in a new color and we all cry collectively as a community about the things we can't fix, bc despite the idea of democracy, we really don't function as one. I have things to blame. So many. But even at a very base level, how can so many be neutral to genocide?

I bite my nails now. The anxiety is subsiding. I read an article about how anxiety is like living as a trauma doctor. Each day you see the worst, and you fix it. You stitch, patch, administer, heal and then go again. One day it's slow. There's no patient sitting in need. But the adrenaline is still there. The readiness to deal with another catastrophe. Bc you know there'll be one. That feeling doesn't go away.

I bite my nails now. "It's called complex post traumatic stress disorder". I hear the word "trigger" and cringe. Mostly bc the only womxn I really hear use that word, are the yt ones who want so badly to be a victim in a world that caters and holds them in safety. I think about my actual triggers. I hear three kinds of specialists lay them out in front of me. The scientist that I am, picks them up, looks them over and nods. "Your findings are sound". I agree. I have triggers. "How do I fix this?". The specialists look back at me. "In short, you'll need to learn to love yourself".

I bite my nails now. As we go over my case plan. Meds. Therapy. Possible IOP. Group. EMDR. Did no one else notice I needed this much help? A woman on the television set talks about how there was a surge of need for mental health workers since the beginning of the pandemic. I laugh knowing I've gone through this entire process before, decades ago. Decades. I am aged. Now we all need help. It was only a matter of time after the fourth catastrophe of our generation hit.

I bite my nails now. As I listen to my therapist go on about loving myself. I think of how often I use a filter in my photos alone. How many likes and comments I get. I think of how I've even made pocket change convincing others that my nose and chin are smaller. That my skin is smooth. That the circles under my eyes don't exist. I hear the love of my life tell me I'm beautiful. Sorrow fills my heart, because I feel for a man who deserves much better than falling in love with someone who looks like me. I shake my head. Try to remove the thought like an etch a sketch. Why am I so mean to myself?

I bite my nails now.

I tell myself I'll stop.

I tell myself so much.

[theworldoffostering]

I am beside myself. We are back in the national parks and spent today at one of the lakes. DH’s friends from ID came over and we did a picnic lunch with them. It was a really nice day. We then got ice cream and headed back to our campsite to get dinner made.

People were cranky from being in the sun all day and probably travel and being hungry. I was talking to my mom about my dad, and texting with my cousin (her grandma is in the hospital on hospice apparently) and taking each of the little kids for a walk around the loop to try to create some separation and space for everyone.

DS and Ms. 6 were doing nothing to help. Ms. 6 stayed in the tent most of the day bc she's mad and wants to go home. I asked the teens to take a walk. They did and when they came back we were almost ready to eat. Ms. 6 said she wasn't eating and again stated she wanted to go home.

Two minutes later she took off running and took DS with her. I had to report them missing to a park ranger and they put out a BOLO.

Within one minute of the BOLO going out, they were found but then Ms. 6 asserted to the ranger once again that I am abusing her! And then she told the ranger I was abusing DS! And DS went along with it. Didn't deny it.

The ranger that found the kids was one of the ones that helped us last year when we had this scenario and she was so mad at me--basically yelled at me saying that I was now back for the second summer and I had TWO kids accusing me of abuse. So it once again turned into a whole thing.

They wanted me to have proof that I wasn't abusing the kids. Thankfully, I managed to get DS's therapist on the phone at 9pm and one of the people that is in our home doing life skills weekly with the kids. Ms. 6 instructed DS not to speak to his therapist. Ms. 6's therapist never picked up.

Ms. 6 was aggressive even with park rangers present and the police said they could arrest her based on her actions (attempted assault on me in front of them and resisting an officer) but they didn't want to bc she would then be released in town and have nowhere to go. They also considered a 72 hour hold but it would have also resulted in her being released in town with nowhere to go (we are supposed to leave this morning for home). So they basically spent three hours de escalating while I cried my eyes out and tried to not go into shock (my entire body was shaking due to the adrenaline). Then a ranger drove them back to our campsite and dropped them off where H and E were crying hysterically from the stress and saying they didn't feel safe with Ms. 6.

I am beyond sad this happened AGAIN and things have been absolutely fine--smooth even with Ms. 6 on this trip but something was bothering her this morning. I asked her about it. She had a lot of attitude but I just let that roll off. I asked her what she needed. Provided suggestions and eventually asked her if she wanted a nap. She said she did so that's what she did. Before she laid down, I asked her if I could give her a hug and she said yes so I did and felt like we were okay.

Ms. 6 snap chatted with her biological family the entire time the police were managing the situation. Clearly not taking anything too seriously.

I then spent another two hours in the tent with them while they smugly giggled about how great they are. I cried again. Talked to them. Tried to explain why this was not okay. Tried to explain what could be done differently. Said I was glad they were not in jail or the hospital. Radio silence.

I stayed n the van with H and E while DH slept in the tent with the other four.

I'm exhausted. I'm so sad. Idk what to do. I'm not sure how we will make the 20 hour drive home tomorrow. I cannot ever travel with Ms. 6 again. I know DS’s therapist wants DS separated from Ms. 6 but Ms. 6 is being super manipulative. Do I tell her she cannot live at home any more? How do I create felt safety for everyone when she continues to do this?

[panda-writes-kpop]

Rating How Delulu You Are Based On Your Bias (GG Edition)

Disclaimer: This is all in good fun. Please don't take any of the jabs in this with sincerity - my sense of humor involves teasing that can be seen as mean at times, but I promise that I have no malicious intent. Although this shouldn't be needed, I would rather not end up all over Twitter, Tiktok, or whatever else. I'm also not going to tag this because I don't feel like bringing unknown attention to myself. We cool? ❤️ please don't cancel me. I just like to have some fun as a silly teen girl yk

Anyways, I can't believe I'm 19 🥹 it feels weird that this is my last year as a teen, but I am kind of looking towards my 20s. Thank you all for not only supporting my blog but also me as a person.

That's enough of the sweet and nostalgic things - it's time to get started with what you came here for. 😌😉

Dreamcatcher:

JiU

- like a solid 6/10

- always good to be a little delulu

- honestly thought y'all would be higher bc of the things Minji says

SuA

- 7/10

- can't tell if y'all are delulu for SuA, delulu for SuA being with Siyeon, or a bit of both

- valid any way you slice it bc she's hot-

Siyeon

- ♾️/10

- "siyeon's my wife-" no babes you need therapy there's a difference

- simply touching grass will not do the job, rolling down a grass hill and inhaling some just might do the trick-

Handong

- 4/10

- okay listen y'all are just chill and I love that about you

- and I respect the few fully dedicated soldiers to this women, you deserve nothing but the best 🫶

Yoohyeon

- 8/10

- you understand that you have no endgame with her but you still think she's your girlfriend 🤔

- a chill kind of delulu

Dami

- 100/10

- if y'all have seen those tiktok edits you know exactly what I'm talking about

- "She could run me over with her car-" SEE A THERAPIST (i would let her do worse 🤭)

Gahyeon

- 8/10

- you think she's your girlfriend but she's not, I'm sorry :(

- she takes the best selfies and has legendary photocards so I don't blame you at all for the delulu

Itzy:

Yeji

- 6/10

- Her dancing skills and stage presence makes us all a little delulu tbh

- her stans are chill tho and only come out of the woodwork for comebacks or her individual promotions

Lia

- 2/10 or 10/10

- okay listen Lia biased people either are completely grounded and down to earth or are a permanent resident on delulu island

- I am the latter 🫣 but it's LIA COME ON

Ryujin

♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️/10

- she can't be everyone's wife, you guys, you're not married to her. GET HELP

- I have yet to meet a non-delulu Ryujin biased person and yes that includes myself 😌

Chaeryeong

- 9/10

- a rare breed but you all are DEDICATED to this women

- I don't need to recommend therapy but you all are slowly getting a little too close to that line-

Yuna

- 4/10

- I'm so surprised that this isn't higher because have you SEEN YUNA?!?!?

- SHIN YUNA MY LOVE I ADORE YOU 🥹🫶 Don't worry I'm delulu for you any day of the week 😌

Blackpink:

Jisoo

- 10/10

- Repeat after me: YOU. ARE. NOT. MARRIED. TO. THIS. WOMAN.

- but it's Jisoo so I don't blame you 🤷‍♀️

Jennie

- 8/10

- definitely delulu but you're not as vocal about it

- you're mostly busy trying to fight off this 24/7 shitstorm that people fling at her, and I respect the grind 🫡

Rosé

- 1000/10

- consider journaling as a hobby and stop writing your fantasies on the internet. I BEG OF YOU- (this is also a self call out 🫣)

- "I bet she-" How about we NOT go there?????

Lisa

- 100000000000000/10

- Again, consider journaling as a HOBBY instead posting on the internet

- there's so many of you that the delulu is uncontrollable, so that's why the ranking is so high

[carphoegras]

I don’t ship most of these myself , but your rant/ramble posts on Les Mis ships are funny so I genuinely wanted your opinion on these 👁

1. Enjoltaire

2. Valvert

3. Enjonine

4. Marisette (or whatever Marius x Cosette was called)

5. Javonine (Javert and…Eponine 😭)

6. Marionine (A name a just guessed for Marius x Eponine because I wasn’t bothered to look it up)

7. and uhhh.. Granjonine (I think that was the name)

well hello darling! i live to entertain lol lets get into it i might have to put this under a cut because i think its obvious i have a rambling issue

Enjoltaire : a classic for good reason. they seemed really base level to me at first because i watched the movie first, but once i read the brick and really saw their dynamic i fell for them HARD. for me the beauty of this pairing is really rooted in the substance of their individual characters as opposed to like a romantic relationship. idk its so difficult for me to verbalize why i love them so much i think i just love the idea of finding common ground despite difficulties. enjolras and grantaire mirror each other in such a beautiful way that i feel the musical/movie couldn't really capture without demoting it to a puppy love grantaire/mean enjolras dynamic idk i have such an issue with some portrayals of them because i feel like they create a victim/abuser situation where there wasn't one but that's like a whole post within itself anyway i feel like im getting incoherent i love exr with every fiber of my fucking being just read the brick if you don't get it ok the movie and musical just dont do it justice and for the love of god avoid the fics written in 2012/2013 after the movie hype its all wRONGGGG (i love you george blagden but you created a twink grantaire movement) (they pull each others pigtails okay its a mutual obsession) (enjolras why don't you just ignore him baby? glutton for punishment my dear we all know if you hated him you wouldn't let him hang around) (anyway) i should make a seperate post about my exr feelings bc i could talk ab them for hours

2. Valvert: okay this is where i feel like i can be unpopular with the fandom. i fucking hate this ship. like physically, spiritually, all that. its one of those that i kinda lose respect for the person bc its literally a cop/prisoner thing. its not enemies to lovers. its not a hate love thing. javert's a fucking cop. valjean is his victim. the whole idea of people romanticizing this makes me feel so insanely icky and i think the point of the story has just gone RIGHT over some folks' heads please take a step back and think about it. neolib behavior sorry not sorry

3. Enjonine: enjolras is gay. just like, straight up in the brick enjolras is a gay man. this ship is spawned from straight girls who saw aaron tveit and use eponine as their not like other girls posterchild. just a whole bunch of hetero nonsense. same behavior as the joseph quinn enj x reader bs. honey thats a homosexual man and can we please stop reducing eponine to needing a boyfriend she needs a stable home and a goddamn therapist fucking hell

4. Marisette: okay. i LOVE THEM. i'm a cosette stan myself, and i'm a huge fan of a gooey love at first sight situation. they contrast my love for exr in the sense that they're a very easy love. their parts in the book literally make me SWOOOOOON i can put aside my beef with marius as a combeferre kin to appreciate how sweet they are

5. Javonine??: im sorry wh aht. did the snape x hermione shippers leak into the lm fandom or am i being fucking punked im not discussing this its obvious why this is wrong please tell me its obvious y'all are NASTY

6. Marionine: eh. eh. i mean, like i said with enjonine eponine's problems are not gonna be solved with a dude. i'm really not opposed to them, persay, its just that eponine's love for marius is so incredibly dependent and rooted more in her personal trauma than actual love, so i feel a little weird with them sometimes. sometimes it just gives anti cosette vibes (cough cough bc of the bullshit love triangle angle that the musical markets cough cough) so i tread very carefully with them

7. Granjonine: again what in the damn hell. i'm not dignifying this shit they could be besties but for the love of god george blagden did a number on the straight girls. STOP PROJECTING ONTO EPONINE IM GONNA LOSE MY FUCKING MIND LEAVE HER ALONE

thanks for the ask lovely, i do love rambling even though these ships are baffling lmaoooo

[neuroglitch]

I think metacognitive therapy might be kinda .. cult-ish?

Like it's been rubbing me the wrong way since it was introduced to me through a course I happened to be a part of in my internship. The claims of metacognitive therapy are somewhat controversial, yet from the getgo this lady (the leader of the whole "movement" in my country, no less) came at it with an attitude of "i have found the truth and I'm here to enlighten you". The course contained a lot of arguments and exercises - allegedly the same used on clients - designed to make us realize the self-evident nature of her claims. According to her, metacognitive therapy could treat anything!! Better than anything else!! "It's clinically proven!! I've seen it happen!!" She was a master at deflecting genuine questions about obvious edge cases.

I was scrolling through a closed fb group for psychologists in my country tonight. Someone had shared an article from a big newspaper about how this promising new type of therapy (metacognitive therapy) might become the solution we've been looking for to fix the rise in mental health issues. Heated discussion below. It's a controversial therapy for sure.

I was thinking of how many laymen I've talked to lately who specifically want metacognitive therapy bc they've heard "it really works". And that friend whose bf's doctor talked him into finding a therapist, but it HAD to be metacognitive, even though the guy's issues and personality in no way suggested this (and it resulted in him not going to therapy despite desperately needing it, because no metacognitive therapists were available). I thought about why the fuck the GP has an opinion on what kinda therapist this guy needs, and how preposterous that is.

I thought again about these courses and the underlying theme of "turns out all of therapy ever is just so silly!! If we just do this exact thing for 8-10 sessions we can fix everything better than anyone else! All you have to do is to Believe. And then all you have to do is to use the same techniques we used to make YOU believe, to make your clients believe.

(Basically she claimed directly when asked that chronic mental illness would not - could not - be a thing, if people were just offered the right metacognitive treatment. Imagine my bafflement. )

And then I scrolled down, and someone had asked if anyone who did metacognitive therapy had an opening, bc a friend asked them to look for a metacognitive therapists but they are all in such high demands so it's hard to find. And someone responded something along the lines of "I'm on my way home from the level 2 meta education in Oxford and ..."

And it just hit me like a ton of bricks. This sounds like a damn cult. Like that sounds like some Scientology bullshit.

I haven't investigated a lot yet, but I'm not particularly surprised to learn that "although the evidence-base for MCT is promising and growing, it is important to note that most clinical trials investigating MCT are characterized by small and select samples and potential conflict of interests as its originator is involved in most clinical trials conducted." (Quoted from Wikipedia, I'm too tired to do further research so take it for what it is).

Ps. I'm not saying it's actually a cult and also I haven't done proper research on this concern, but I am definitely sceptical of what they are selling..

[disperceptionalism]

I am clearly not the level of Fandom that I once was bc I like the bear and I wanted to see some deep dives into character arcs but all I can find is ppl wanting to fuck carmy. i get it but this man is traumatized and not in the cute way. like is this a joke he couldn't commit to the one relationship handed to him on a platter and talked to and about her like she was his therapist. he very well mightve been a virgin before meeting Claire, and based on his backstory and the way he talks about committing to a relationship with her makes me think that he never even had a girlfriend before her. this man doesn't fuck. I'll give you that he looks like he has the potential to fuck, but Carmen Berzatto does not currently "fuck". others advertised this as the "hot linecook" TV show but what I watched was a traumatized introverted man who had set off out of school with the singular vision of becoming a chef, focused exclusively on success, and then his brother killed himself. like we start there.

please oh my god he is screaming for help and his trauma can't be fucked away. I have so many thoughts about Sydney and Carmen's relationship and how so deeply neither of them is ready for any sort of romance in that way.

starting with Sydney, she wouldn't even tell Carmen that her mom was dead until months into knowing him, when the Bear was nearlt open, even though he did try to gently prompt information from her. She avoids anything to do with a deep and serious emotion, her passion is singular and focused, much like Carmy was when he was at Noma and the French Laundry. When she said "that's a little too personal" when Carmy started opening up about his trauma, she brushed it off like a joke but it seemed like she made that joke to deflect from anything personal. she is avoidant and her respect of Carmy is purely artistic at that point. She just so happened to intersect with Carmen during one of the least focused moments of his life. She wanted to meet the Carmen who worked at Noma, even though he was absolutely going through it then, she doesn't get that version.

She also sticks her nose in places where it doesn't belong, has a sense of slight sense of superiority to overcompensate for a crippling performance anxiety, analytical, detached, impatient, yet also freely giving of praise when it's due. Make no mistake, the Bear is Sydneys, Carmen is only in this on the level of reanimating a corpse, Sydney is the soul breathing into it.

Now Carmen is sweet by nature but hard due to circumstance. Hard because of his upbringing, his drive. He desperately seeks approval from those he loves and can't stand to ask for help. the way he talks about Claire makes me feel like she's his first girlfriend ever. He was too busy on the grind to stop for a moment and let that sort of tenderness in. he's not used to it. which is why he sort of leans on her for emotional support instead of actually really getting to know her and connect with her on that level. She's a figurehead, an anywoman, someone who loves him and that's enough for her.

I think from the moment that Sydney mentioned the veal fat, Carmen had a deep respect for her. He really begins to see her as an equal because what the fuck it took Luca an entire year to figure it out, and Carmen hadn't figured it out at that point. she knew it off the top of her head. He hired her because of her business skills but he entrusted her because of his need to emotionally lean on people. when he left to go to that AL anon meeting, he was leaning in her in a more distant way that he will eventually do with Claire. And after he's shut down by Sydney as he starts opening up, he still leans on Sydney to shoulder a lot of his pain.

Carmen just shocks Nat by saying jarring shit about his trauma about how he almost burned down his apartment and how he used to throw up before work every day, and that's how he leans on her. By dumping that shit on Nats lap, in a casual cry for help. He needs help, he has needed help his entire life and Sydney comes in, proves herself to be his equal, and he respects her as an artist. He literally doesn't know how to interpret that feeling in himself if it did translate into romance.

the last thing these characters need to do is fuck. if they have a deep emotional conversation where Carmen is stable enough to allow Sydney the space to feel comfortable with sharing some of her deep personal feelings, like where he can actually shoulder some of that for her, then both characters will have healed enough to entertain the potential of considering Any kind of romantic relationship, let alone one with each other.

they are so career driven that they don't have the eye for anything else, they wouldn't know to consider something like that. so if they do end up together, they would be absolutely floored with the realization of their emotions, it would blindside them and potentially derail them if it's not reciprocated. and my bet is that Carmy falls first. Hard. for the wrong reasons. tries to get Sydney to shoulder not only the responsibility of the bear but also the responsibility of his emotions.

and I think that he'll make her co-owner, but only once their debt has cleared so she doesn't compound her already existing debt

I have so many more thoughts on this I'll get back to you

[superangsty]

re: your wips ask game: the gang gets what they want 👀

ask about one of my WIPs based on the file name!

okay SO this is an iasip au where like the gang never really became The Gang bc well. they got what they wanted. so Charlie is a lawyer and he's got two kids with the waitress, Dee is a famous comedian and she's married to Josh Groban, Dennis is a veterinarian and stayed married to Maureen and Mac is just kinda. vibing. bc to be quite honest I am NOT gonna let him be a karate champion and the ony other thing he's ever really wanted is Dennis. so.

Here's a bit of the Dee POV section

---

Dee’s phone rings and she groans, hoping it’ll go away if she ignores it long enough. She’d apparently forgotten to shut the curtains in her hotel room last night because the sun is streaming in and practically blinding her, already aggravating her shitty hangover.

The ringing stops, and she’s about to put a pillow over her head and try go back to sleep when it starts up again.

She picks it up and it’s a facetime call from her asshole brother, so she wipes her face, flattens down her hair, and answers.

“Dennis, what is it,” she groans. Her mouth feels dry, thank god for the glass of water on her bedside table with some Advil. She swallows it down, then continues. “It’s like… eight in the morning.”

“Eight is a perfectly reasonable time to wake up, Deandra,” says Dennis. His voice is enough to give her a headache on a regular day, but this… She fumbles to turn down the volume of the call. “Anyway, it’s twelve here, and I need to talk to you.”

She blinks. “Talk to your therapist. Talk to your wife, I don’t give a shit.”

Dennis does a manic laugh that seems to surpass the volume limit she’s just set, and it’s enough to snap her to attention, at least. He only sounds like that when he’s spiralling about something.

Still, it’ll probably freak him out more if she tries to be nice to him, so instead she says “keep it down, asshole, you’re gonna wake up Josh.”

She reaches a hand out to the other side of the bed and oh, her husband’s not there. Huh. He must’ve got up already, that explains the water and the painkillers. God, he’s weird. She rolls out of bed and shuffles out to the other room in their suite, flopping down onto a couch instead.

“Josh is there?” Dennis asks, “I didn’t know he was coming with you on tour.”

“He’s not,” Dee replies, rolling her eyes. “He flew out to surprise me for our anniversary.”

Dennis blinks. “That’s… sweet.”

“Ugh.”

There’s a moment’s pause, and Dee’s ready to hang up if he doesn’t get to the point already, when he says “so can we talk about my thing now?”

She waves a hand for him to go ahead, but it’s out of the camera’s line of sight so when he doesn’t continue she says “yeah, whatever.”

“I ran into Mac the other day.”

“Mac…” now there’s a name that means literally nothing to her. Less than nothing, if she’s being honest.

“From high school?”

Dee just keeps looking at Dennis blankly. It seems important, maybe she should know this. Maybe she does know it, she’s just too hung over to remember right now.

“For god’s sake, Dee, you did a whole bit about him in your special last year.”

“What –” she racks her brains. That was a good special, she’d gotten a bunch of awards for it. “Ronnie the rat? Is that who you’re talking about?”

“Yes, Dee.”

“Well why couldn’t you just say that!”

[lcs-library]

Welp, I said I’d release my drafts/ideas when I reached 100 followers, and here we are!! Some are longer than others, some are just random headcanons, but overall, please enjoy my random brainrot!! Thanks for all the support!!

-“Muse”- Tsuzuru fic, can’t come up with story for next script, writes one based on mc

-masumi oshi reader gets isekai’d as Izumi

-Lazy mornings with Tsuzuru. Think about it. He hugs u from behind, digging his face into your shoulder and you greet him with a “good morning” and he just passes out on top of you. When you notice, you turn around and hold him in your arms to support him as he tries to keep himself awake. His words are slurred as he mumbles out a “gurd murnin”.

-Okay this fic idea won’t leave my brain and I’m surprised that nobody’s done it yet, but having Twisted Wonderland as a world in Kingdom Hearts and having Sora attend Night Raven College.

-Character song fics. I don’t know WHY these haven’t been done yet. (Could be used for Obey Me, A3!, Sanrio Danshi(suprisingly), and possibly Twisted Wonderland(using Piece of my World))

-speaking of character song fics, I really want to do a character study with Teenager and Azami

-Sakuya totally does the thing his stage actor does with him where he holds his sweatshirt and pulls it down when he’s holding still bc it’s so CUTE I have to include it in fics more

-Tsuzuru has become the family therapist bc he’s so easy to talk to and be around, and if you talk to him while he’s super sleep deprived he’ll probably treat u like a child on instinct and then forget about the whole incident

-I need to write an It’s Always Raining in the Backstreets SakyoIzu fic bc it’s so obviously about her it HURTS

-SakyoIzu fic revolving around the time when they were kids and Izumi said she wanted to marry him(Initial R backstage story)

-I need soft n snuggly Banchan it’s for my health

-Singing a folk song abt death to comfort mams after a nightmare only to make it worse with the thought of mc dying as he will live on

-“You’ll be gone in the morning” oneshot about A3EN closing(if I end up doing it, it’ll be SO late but Sakuya angst <3), mc talking to sakuya about leaving. Director has to go somewhere and they can’t come back to Mankai. The company holds a sort of goodbye party for them, and everybody says their individual goodbyes. Once everything has settled down and everyone’s gone to bed, there’s a knock at the door. Sakuya comes in and asks to speak to them. He talks to them about how worried he is about them and the company, and there’s just a lot of tears and uneasiness. YES the phrase “You’ll be gone in the morning” will be there it’s in the title.

-Snippet: The silence between you was deafening.

Sakuya fiddled with the hem of his shirt, his eyes darting to different spots across the room before he finally spoke up.

“I- I love you. You can take that as you want, I just want you to know that. You deserve it. If I’m never gonna see you again, you should hear it from me at least once.”

He gave a weak smile as he spoke, grabbing your hand to give it a small squeeze.

You could see more tears welling up in his eyes, getting ready to dampen his already wet cheeks even more. You had to smile to fight off the pain that was clenching your heart as you gazed at him.

Now it was your turn to feel the sting of more tears pricking at your own eyes, threatening to fall at any moment.

You took a deep breath, looking up to keep the tears from falling, before you finally replied.

“I love you too. More than you can imagine. You’ve shaped the person I am today, and losing you will be one of the hardest things I’ll go through. I don’t know how I’m going to go on, but I’ll try my best. I hope I can see your pretty smile again in one way or another.”

You sighed as Sakuya blushed slightly at the comment, a forced giggle on his lips in a futile attempt to keep his sadness at bay. You spoke again.

“Thanks for the memories. Thank you for everything. I love you too.”

With that, you pulled him into a hug, keeping him close to you for as long as you could, praying this moment would last forever.

-other scenes will include: falling asleep next to him, possible part 2 of Sakuya waking up, confused why he’s in the director’s room, then he turns over, expecting to see them, only to realize they’re gone. A huge wave of what happened hits him, and he cries and cries. Soon, some of the spring troupe guys come in, also expecting to see the director to start rehearsals, only to find Sakuya in a heap. They also have that wave hit them. Cue the cute harugumi sleeping together tradition except REALLY sad. Also, I want MC to hold Sakuya as close as they can, crying into him, pleading not to go, possibly singing? Possible prequel consisting of the boys’ goodbye messages?

-Prequel: “Goodbyes”, separate from Saku one shot, consists of boys’ goodbyes to director

More from “You’ll Be Gone In the Morning”:

“You know, it’s kinda crazy, you’re the first one to fully up and leave the company, even if it isn’t by choice. I mean, you’re the one who brought us all together and…never mind, forget it.” You tilted your head inquisitively.

“Forget it? What were you going to say?”

“Well, you’re the one who brought us all together, and I’m a little scared that you’re gonna be the one who accidentally tears us apart.” Sakuya lowered his head, avoiding eye contact with you, trying hard to hold back his tears.

-Omi boob(and possibly Joe boob?)(oooo Sakyo boob? Best edition of his boobs is in the stageplays and he’s canonically pretty flat but I can dream, ok???)

-Evil mad scientist Banri hhhhhhh (I have NEVER wanted to be Zero before tf hhhhhhh, possible The Stranger au?)

-MC is a stage manager at Mankai, and just cute shenanigans backstage, but plaster onto a fluffy fic :) (ex: dancing to the bgm for the show, trying to give kisses but it leaves a lipstick mark and they panic, etc.)

-Sakuya learning to be more open about his emotions, other charas helping him get thru it(based off of closing night performance of 4 seasons <3)

-Matchablossom only one bed

-a list of random phrases that Citron has probably said(for practice writing him, but also I wanna steal ‘em all from r/boneappletea)

-GIGGLY BANRI OMGGGGG

-I want to write more Tsumu but only for the fact that I get to spend 4 hours looking up flower symbolism(and bc he’s really soft)

-blooming smile inspired fic, based on lyrics in bridge <3

-KISS LOID FORGER *spooky piano music* KISS LOID FORGER

-Genderfluid Kazunari. That is all.

-A3! Hcs/scenarios: falling asleep with you

-is Banri allergic to cats? No? Well he is now cuz I think it’s funny

-Curry Bread fic, quite literally the song just plastered onto a fic and I’m not kidding

-Natsugumi sleepover <3

-I wanna finish out writing all the Sanrio boys actually(need to finish Ryo and Shushu, possible fic with all of ‘em)

-PUT THE SANRIO BOYS EVENT INTO THE EN VERSION OF HELLO SWEET DAYS SO I CAN WRITE A FIC ABOUT IT(like they all run a cafe together and stuff <3)

-A3! Troupes playing just dance bc it would be fun

-incorrect quotes but it’s shit me and my friends said during our shows

-A3 hanahaki w/ motif flowers

-Chikaita soulmates au?(chika pov, red string)

-JuBan cake shop/tattoo artist(Mixed Vegetables sorta plot, if you’ve read that manga)

-Kazumisu but this

-Tsuzkazu but make this an actual fic of how they met and fell in love

-Imagine cupping Sakuya’s cheeks in your hands and nuzzling your nose against his. He returns the action, and then once he’s in the middle of it, kissing him on the lips and flustering him, then he just giggles and thanks you, nervously pecking your cheek in return UGH he makes me so soft dammit

-Sakuya having a lil girl at his daycare call him her bf and having to deal with reader being his ACTUAL partner and it’s awkward n adorable and nnnngh

-maybe in similar vain to Tsuzuru’s initial R backstage?

-Mankai company + plays my friends wrote

-FUCK Kaoru Hakaze givin u a kiss on the cheek. You treasure it but he just thinks its fan service. *cries* FUCKING PLAYBOY

-Itaru sneaking up behind you, hugging you from the back, quickly giving you a peck on the cheek. “What do you want.” “Oh, how rude, and here I just wanted to show some affection.” “You’re kidding.” “All right, you got me.” “So?” “Will you pull for me?” “Yeah, what game?” “Kniround mobile.” “Ah, the favorite.” “Yep.”

And that’s all!! I kinda feel like I’m exposing myself here lol, but I’m so excited that you all support me enough for me to be able to do this!! Thank you, and I look forward to writing for everyone more!!

[lambentplume]

alright i’m literally going to save this for when i go see my therapist again so um. no one needs to read or respond at all i just can’t sit up or grip a pencil rn so i’m laying in bed writing this. lol. please god i hope readmore works i am so sorry

it’s getting really dire out here. so i work part time at a cafe which is dying due to managerial neglect/chronic overstaffing/being under resourced and that pays me $12/hr plus tips. i’m still recovering from the time our espresso machine (which is. a major source of appeal for a fucking espresso based cafe) broke… the job that USUALLY ensures i have enough to live is now not enough. i also have two internships that total 25 hours per week and they’re both in separate but not unrelated fields that i’m Thinking about going into. both of which are relatively easier on my body and i like the work so far.

the issue is that i’ve been in my head for SO LONG about what kind of job i should be working. i was going to have a full spiral earlier today but thank god the shift ended lol. bc my coworker is a polisci/ethnic studies major, we were talking about positionality and the ways that academia, eapecially the western idea of “social sciences” (which is . what i study) exploita the communities it studies when not done with careful critical or community-based methodology. and as someone who wants to potentially join investigators studying the social ramifications of labor done in the specific context that i grew up in, from a worker’s and also generational and also academic jargon perspective (side note: i genuinely think there is a case for connecting the modern exploitative tourist hospitality industry to underserved communities’ ability to seek help and thrive like STRUCTURALLY in terms of the way these schedules are fucking built) i’m kind of… working my way up the ladder. learning research methodologies by doing that ground-level work and pushing paper for the PIs who actually do the Cool Work. AND ALSO STILL WORKING ON MY BACHELORS WHILE BEING A RENT PAYER … i also finally admitted to this coworker that i dropped out of the US east coast PWI i went to in order to come home bc i couldn’t handle it socially and i feel like. being a poc who has living relatives who worked on plantations and who is CONSTANTLY reminded that i have far more privilege than i could ever grasp etc is making me feel a little insane. like my dad Doesn’t talk to me about it because he does Not feel like articulating it and i’m Never going to understand which is true. like i will Never Understand. i should be a bit happier that the internships are paying me more just to sit and do brainwork instead of busting ass and people pleasing all day but i’m so afraid. of . being . incompetent. that i just work because i’m happy to work i need to feel useful i need everything to add up so bad. i need more than one full day off from responsibilities but i can’t afford it. i’m going to fall behind and not be good at anything and forget big theses if i can’t even pay rent. like what IS the point!! other more eloquent and better-equipped and driven people who know what they want should have it! i will just shrink my presence until i shrivel away!!!!!!!! god.

and then i feel the need to legitimize my hobbies and interests like bro 😭😭😭 who fucking cares if i miss the OT 5th anny people are drawing pieces bc they feel like it!!!

this is WHY i can’t chase clout this is why i didn’t go to risd this is why i dropped out of brown. so why am i still attached to the idea that i need to be institutionally validated (THERE IS MONEY IN INSTITUTIONAL VALIDATION. END UNDERPAYMENT I WANT TO KERMIT!!!!)

[quelliee]

My parents visited earlier this week. Almost every time I talk to them in person or by phone they use it as a chance to shame or judge me, so here are a couple things that came up this time...

Having considered getting a car in the future

Dad: Have you thought about buying a car? Me: A little... Him: WHY??! Me: To get places...? Him: *rant about how wasteful I am and how I can't possibly have any legitimate need for a car*

Not being social enough/spending too much time with school/work (I'm a grad student)

Mom: What have you been doing outside of work? Me: *actually has been dating a bit but won't mention it bc they wouldn't approve* Me: Things. Mom: What kinds of things. Me: Various things. Mom: Like what? Me: Uhh... Dad: I don't think she wants to tell us. Mom & dad: Silent judgemental look. Mom: You should be more social!

Not trusting churches that claim they're "reconciling" with LGBTQ people (I'm literally not even christian so idk why it matters in the first place)

Me, after a thorough explanation of the power dynamics in play: ...so a church hanging a colorful flag in the window and making some grand pronouncements doesn't actually mean much and won't actually make me trust them. Mom: I don't know why you're so intent on hating churches!

Those are the more ridiculous things that come to mind at the moment, but this is how a lot of our conversations go. Talking with my therapist yesterday, I realized just how pervasive it is. They seem to see me as simultaneously an extension of them and completely separate from them. They expect me to align with their values, to like the things they like, and to follow their way of life. They want me to base my life on the things they find important, while being largely unwilling to reciprocate in any meaningful way. But they also act like they have absolutely no influence on me. My shortcomings are fully my responsibility and completely decoupled from anything they did or didn't do, say, when I was a kid.

They've regularly chastised me at least since middle school for being too antisocial/reclusive/not having enough friends, etc., while also sabotaging my ability to socialize for much of that time. When I was in high school they didn't want me to get my license, and then when I finally did, they still didn't like me using the car. When I did get together with friends, they'd put tight restrictions on what I was allowed to do and when and for how long I was allowed to be away from home. They wanted me to call to tell them what I was doing, but refused to get me a phone. They'd give me "advice" about how to act or talk or present myself that was alienating at best. Since I'd been diagnosed with autism in middle school, I guess they thought they needed to "teach" me how to socialize? Which is especially weird considering my sister thinks I'm the most sociable person in our family.

Anyway, all things considered, maybe it actually makes sense that I expect everyone to hate me? Maybe the "AvPD is a result of adverse childhood experiences" people where onto something...

[fagrackham]

I watched the jules special episode of euphoria and 1) still in love with hunter schafer 2) she’s so correct about everything and that whole thing about the ocean and trying not to center one’s transness around men...oh my god

[mohluskiepedard]

Rating ATLA Characters literally only from what I’ve seen in fandom

or: posts that probably shouldn’t be on my writeblr except I don’t have a sideblog

the context here is it’s half midnight and I have never seen ATLA except I have opinions now apparently so here we go whoop de do- 

I’m also not actually rating them like numerically that’s too much work i’m just stating opinions I know I’m a fraud

AANG

- A child?  - A son?  - he is Baby. but also. he has had It Rough  - would make the updog joke - has unspeakable power or smth and everyone says he’s better than the Korra girl who comes after him but honestly tastes like sexism to me - doesn’t kill people because he’s like twelve, right? he’s like twelve so he refuses to kill people - I stan honestly - less twelve year olds should kill people - Some people say his name WRONG and they are BAD but i don’t actually know what the right way or the wrong way is so. have fun w that yall - lived in peace unTIL THE FIRE NATION ATTACKED 

KATARA

- She is also like twelve???  - Is everyone here twelve - Cortana?? Katana?? Catbug??  - She has good hair, - Her mother is dead??? her mother is dead n she has a brother but she cares about her mother being dead WAY more than him (or apparently the entire fandom??) - Badass - She seems soft. good. sweet - she’s a water breather or whatever??? her brother is NOT but he is a meme - I love her 

SOKKA

- NGL looks like a fuckboy  - The meme brother! does not do the water things, but he has an aXe???  - dates BAMF lady - ngl until I talked to my ATLA watching friend I thought he canonically dated Zuko  - kinda mad he doesn’t - I haven’t actually seen anything about him except like. in zuko ship posts and also Suki appreciation posts - joined the white lotus not-a-cult by accident???  - dark ATLA tumblr show me more Sokka posts - is his name prounounced the same way as Soccer or isn’t it I need to know - HIS FIRST GIRLFRIEND TURNED INTO THE MOON - (AND THAT’S ROUGH, BUDDY) - He and Suki are a good ship, but also, Sokka Has Two Hands

SUKI

- the BAMF herself - she says STOP in that photo but also to sexism - Rlly all I see of her in fanon is abt her teaching Sokka to drink his respect women juice and I appreciate her doing that but also it’s sad she never gets talked about outside of what she did for a man - I hope she has other badass moments w/o him it would suck if she didn’t - she is NOT the girlfriend who turned into the moon, she is the one who didn’t - I don’t know much else about her ATLA Fandom y’all should appreciate her more

ZUKO

- Look at him... my son... - He has a good redemption arc - he and his sister are evil lesbian and redeemed gay guy??? - has a straight canon ship but should’ve been with Sokka this boy is gay - I Want To Protect Him - That’s literally it - he has a cool uncle and his dad sucks  - people ship him with Katara and I Do Not Get It that’s his sister in law except not really - “We don’t trust Zuko’s change of heart” [the next day] “so Zuko is my closest friend now,”  - His dad was like “fuck up the avatar to prove your worth to me” and Aang was like “counter argument you already have worth and we should fuck up your dad” and I think that’s beautiful - he becomes the fire man and he’s very good at it - Zuko for President 2020 - in the words of myself, half an hour ago: “ I was like "that kid with the burn on his face seems like a sad but then happy mlm who needs found family" and I was RIGHT” - took too long to find a happy picture of him :( Zuko rights NOW please - His mother’s story got compared to an OC of mine and all I can say is oh no and they deserve better based on that alone - I have had Zuko for five minutes but if anything else happens to him I will kill everyone in this throne room and then myself

TOPH

- She is badass but like also will murder you while laughing maniacally? - for some reason reminds me of Nott from Critical Role, another show I Have Not Seen - Is blind but gets more out of making jokes abt being blind than she would from being able to see - “Sight is just a cheap tactic to make weak benders stronger!!!” - Literally the opposite of Aang and has killed many people?? - She Can Tell When You’re Lying. But I do not know how and Am simply mildly threatened by this - Therapist: Toph’s ability to know if you’re lying isn’t real and can’t hurt you. Toph’s ability to know if I’m lying:  - She and Zuko.... buddies???  - if not they should be - tiny sad boy needs friends like toph

AZULA

- Evil Lesbian Culture - [BDG Voice] You committed a war crime! Oopsie! - took be gay do crime too literally - her and Zuko have accurate sibling writin except instead of “you ever want to murder your sibling for breathing in the same space as you,” being a Joke Azula took it seriously - okay but with a name like azula she should be the blue bender this ANNOYS me she should NOT be red bender - AZULa  - AZUL - IT MEANS BLUE - She was half of y’alls gay awakenings and it SHOWS - Should have maybe been redeemed too??? Jury is out no one knows - Was she gay for Ty Lee or wasn’t she I can’t tell how much of that Audio is a joke - IS SHE ALSO TWELVE??? IS EVERYONE HERE TWELVE?? IS THIS TWELVE YEAR OLD COMITTING ATROCITIES? 

UNCLE IROH

- A Good Man - Finally, Some Good Fucking [Adult Figures]  - he has the tea. literally and figuratively - Ozai is like “and I will permanently disfigure my son and throw him out” and Iroh is like “What The Fuck, Ozai,” thus voicing the entire audience’s thoughts - Literally the only adult in this that I trust - I? I love him. this is all I have to say. my love for him is unending. Some1 protect this man from all harm   - he’s Zuko’s uncle (and also Azula ig) but he does not seem related to Ozai. is it just a theme in this family that one sibling is chill and one sibling commits horrendous atrocities against your fellow human beings or  - something happened to his son???? :((((( I Don’t Want Him To Have Suffered Like This

OZAI

- A BAD MAN - Uh Oh (stinky)  - THE WORST OF THE MEN  - I do not like him - Bastard man. nasty. committed war crimes and then went “but what if - get this - i also abused my son,”  - I would like him to Not Be Like This - by Like This I mean present and alive  - :/ 

TY LEE

- She’s NOT the There Is No War In Ba Sing Se lady and I don’t know why i thought she WAS but until I looked up her photo I thought that was her  - She looks like a sweetheart tho - I hope nothing bad happens to her????  - talks about auras??? or smth??? let her vibe - She would talk animatedly to me about warrior cats if she was in my year seven class and I was sat alone and I would understand none of it but appreciate her anyway - if azula bullies her I’ll be :( at Azula and Azula will not care because she has Mommy Issues and therefore is slightly unhinged - She seems like that one kid with no trauma vibing at the edge of [every other kid having trauma] and not really getting it but trying her best - Is she also twelve?????? She maybe looks twelve

CABBAGE MAN 

- HIS CABBAGES - fulfills my favourite trope: ordinary person repeatedly has life disrupted by the inconveniences of relying on actual children to save the world - probably has a campaign post canon for letting trained adults fix the worlds’ problems in the future - or sets up the Very First Cabbage Insurance Company - look at him. he loves his cabbages so much. you go you funky lil cabbage man

ALSO THE MOST IMPORTANT ONES MOMO

- LOOK AT HIM HE’S SO GOOD - small. fluffy. big ears - Lord Momo of the Momo Dynasty: his Momoness - a Good Boy...

APPA

- he looks so soft... - he can fly but he just does it by??? vibing through the air?? motionless??? iconic - I saw that one post about mishearing it as Abba and thinking he was Aang’s dad and he looks like he would be a good stand in dad ngl - he’s so LORGE - a chonky boy - love him

that is everyone I have heard of it and if I left someone out it’s a sign that y’all should talk about em more bc I have no clue they exist put more ATLA On my Dash ig I’ll do Legend of Korra ig maybe apparently that one has canon wlw and i love me some canon wlw

[cowboyjen68]

Hi jen! 20 something masc bisexual who just cant figure out if theyre a man or a woman here. I dont really feel comfortable talking about this stuff but writing anonymously is a lot less daunting and you seem like a really chill person and such a good mom. When i was youger, around 16, i cut my hair short and dressed less conventional (stopped wearing what my mom put out for me lol), bc i wanted to express myself. I didnt get the "mens" haircut i wanted originally, but i made up for it with flannels and hoodies. Slowly, occasionally, people started to ask me my sex/gender and when someone read me as male i was over the moon. By the time i was 18 i had stopped wearing makeup and tried hard to pass as male. It became pretty exhausting and my bestfriend is a very feminine guy, who usually gets read as a woman, inspired me to care less what people think i am. Im trying to take things as they come but with my mullet (thick long hair in the back) i noticed people read me as female more often than not. Its not insulting, but i cant help but feel disappointed. It felt so right when people read me as male. Im considering transitioning but i hate the idea of coming out to my family (as trans) and im scared of "being wrong about all this and screwing my body up", even thougt I like the prospect of the physical changes testosterone brings. All in all, I feel like ive been stuck in this undecided period for so long and something needs to change.

Im grateful for any words of advice :)

I am so sorry for the delay, my seasonal side jobs keep me very busy. I owe you some sincerity here because you asked and trust me to give you the truth, at least as I see it.

Of course I cannot in anyway see inside you or know the mix of emotions you have or the complex amount of experiences you have had in your 20 something life. When someone is struggling with hard questions being “PC” does no one any favors so here is my best take, but ultimately you know what is best and perhaps a therapist that will not just be a "yes" person would be very helpful.

Firstly, if you decide to transition for whatever reason, comfort, ease of experiencing the world etc, there is no rule that says you have to do anything at all to alter your body. You can be who you are within yourself. I am a lesbian and a woman whether or not some stranger on the street thinks so. (and the amount of time I am called "sir" in one day changes absolutely zero about me). Same applies to you. If you are concerned about medical or hormonal intervention you are not wrong to have caution. Anytime we take any medication from a blood pressure pill to nasal spray, doing due diligence and understanding the affects on our body is important. And each of us must take into consideration body health, genetics, dr suggestions, past medical history and the reality of what time, money and effort we are capable of exerting, especially if it means for a life time 

That all being said short hair, clothes, your interests and personality are not (should not) be gendered. There is no reason a woman can’t be and exist as a female who is not always thrilled with her body (looks and function) and be a human who loves doing a myriad of things that may or may not fit what society prescribes as our gender roles.  

You say you are disappointed when read as female? Why?  Do you dislike that they are not seeing the real you OR because you know being read as such means, in our culture, you are seen as less capable, treated differently, perceived as weak, not as smart as men and treated as the lesser of our society simply based on your body?  Either way, this is a them problem and not a you problem. You are as flawed, strong, smart, confident as you are no matter how they see you. It is not up to them to decide how human you get to be based on what sex you are. No one fits all the general attributes imposed gender roles wish for us to follow. 

Ask yourself, if I transition and am still consistently read as female, how will that affect me?  Will I become angry because I am putting time, effort and money into presentation and people still see what they see?  Am I going to feel better able to shrug off mistakes make by quick glances or because people have known me for years because I am more true to me?  Transition should happen in a vacuum, in my opinion. (disclaimer: I am not trans so perhaps this is not how trans men feel) You are who you are whether in a crowd of people or alone in a forest. Others should never make that decision or set the bar for you. EVER. They have no investment in your internal self. 

Since you are asking me, this is my experience. In my early years i understood very quickly how I was treated differently when people (men and women) saw me as a little boy instead of a little girl. In my teens I saw the way girls who hit puberty before me were immediately treated sexually, will less respect and I was like” well shit”.  I would have happily been seen as a boy/man and probably went to length to insure that. At 12 I was pretty confident I wanted to be or should have been a boy. My mom very colorfully explained to me there are issues with both sides and am a girl who wants what boys get in the world.. sooo get them as a girl.  THEN I met other lesbians and butches and bi women who are masculine and they told me their stories.. which were just like mine. I realized to be a man I had to give up being a woman and being a woman, my reality, physically and in my upbringing (in the 1980′s and 1990″) was the best and only way to connect to other people because I was not different with them or alone. I needed to be me 24/7 not just in public, not just at parties, not just with friends, but when I was alone, at night or mowing the yard. Perception and societal opinion had nothing to do with my body, my mind, my personality. 

Am I still affected by gender roles? Of course. Our society genders everything from pocket knives (camo or pink camo) to cars, abilities to shampoo! Do i sometimes let it slide when a man thinks he is talking to another man, sure.. why not? I learn somethings (some things I don’t want to know on occasion). But at the end of the day, most of the people I deal with begin to see me as a kind, capable women or...(translation: human) and when it counts I don’t want to be vague or dodgy about my sex, my gender or my sexual orientation. Who I am, who I deserved to be, my right to exist as me is too important. None of these were over night revelations. Time, experience, community as all helped me understand:

You have to live with you forever and always, don’t try to exist as the easiest way for society to view you. 

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[my-darling-boy]

i am non binary and eventually want top surgery. i can't get it yet bc i'm a minor and i can't come out to my parents, but i'm gonna be 18 soon and have a question. if i want to get top surgery, do i need to tell the truth about it? like, do i have to come out and say the true reason behind it, or can i say it's for another reason? and what would be easier in the end? i'm really scared of having to be out like that to get surgery

Sorry for the length of this!

Some trans people give false reasons to their family for wanting top surgery, and this can be the case if you’re using parents’ insurance and don’t want them to know what you’re using it for. The problem with this is that if you don’t cover your tracks with the lie, your family can still find out, especially if you still live with them. While being over 18 (at least in California where I live) prohibits your family from accessing your health info because you are now legally an adult entitled to confidentially, it doesn’t stop them from opening up mail from health insurance or surgeon offices that arrive at the house. While the mail I was sent states my approved procedures were “Bilateral Masectomy” and nipple grafts, it CLEARLY states under the diagnosis section on the front page “female to male” and “Transsexualism”, regarding the diagnosis of gender dysphoria I needed for the surgery. If a parent doesn’t know you’re non-binary and they go digging through your mail, there is always he possibility they may see words related to the surgery being gender related.

For the medical setting, it’s much trickier to do completely in the closet. For top surgery, most places around the world—with some exceptions—require one or more of the following for insurance/medical reasons: a recent written and signed diagnosis of gender dysphoria from a licensed therapist, signed and written proof of hormone replacement therapy for X amount of time from either a physician or endocrinologist, having lived at least 1+ years socially using the name/pronouns you intend to use, or statements from close family members and/or friends that you exhibit dysphoria or that you have been living socially with the name/pronouns you intend to use. Those are the typical ones I’ve seen, but because surgeons/laws/and insurances or medical groups have varying definitions of what grants one permission for the surgery, it can vary wildly from person to person, and what can complicate this further is that insurance and surgeons will have different criteria you need to abide by. Some surgeons are very relaxed and will simply give you the surgery provided they deem you medically fit while your insurance company says you need dysphoria and Hrt for them to cover it. Which brings me to my next point.

A bilateral/double mastectomy is deemed a “cosmetic or non-essential surgery” by most insurances (unless you are a cancer patient, at least in the US) which means insurances don’t like to cover all of the cost. I’ve seen this procedure range from $3,500 all the way to $18,000. The average price is $5,000-$10,000. I don’t remember the cost of my overall surgery, but I know my office consult alone was $1,200. Using my parents’ insurance, I only paid $15 copays. The only way to get my insurance company to cover what could have been a $10,000 surgery was to make them see it was “necessary” and this is why they require the dysphoria diangosis. While I don’t believe you need dysphoria to be trans or have top surgery, unfortunately insurance usually asks for it (“dysphoria” for an insurance company basically tells them you have a mental health issue that is negatively impacting your life and the surgery is needed to correct the dysphoria). With this in mind, it might be near impossible to get coverage for a bilateral masectomy coupled with chest contouring while in the closet to everyone, unless you’ve had a serious medical condition such as cancer since “restoring a breast isn’t considered a cosmetic procedure. It’s reconstructive surgery. Since it’s considered part of the treatment of a disease, the law says insurance providers must provide coverage.” (x) Alternatives would be chest liposuction, however liposuction is still cosmetic and therefore probably not eligible for full, if any, insurance coverage and there are zero ways for chest contouring or nipple resizing.

And which route is easier? In my own opinion, if you’re not comfortable going behind your family’s back or you need their insurance, you might need to tell them the truth, provided you feel in a position to talk about it with your family, and I only say this cos there can be instances where not telling them the whole truth can have consequences for you in the end. Some trans people report issues where coverage was denied after they got the surgery and have to give a $6,000 bill they can’t pay to their parents, letters show up to the house referencing being trans and parents can open these and read them, and an insurance company or surgeon may need written proof from family members that you have been living under x name/gender for x amount of time to provide coverage or surgery. If you’re fine hiding the process from your parents and using your own insurance or paying out of pocket, then that’s an option. But the situation can get sticky if you pursue surgery and are still living at home or have lgbtq-phobic parents and need to hide any evidence of what the surgery is for. I understand coming out is a Huge Thing, but the unfortunate part about this sort of surgery is it can be impossible to go about it trying to conceal all your intentions. And from what I’ve been able to gather during my own process, it doesn’t appear to be possible to go through with this procedure and have it all covered by insurance without mentioning gender.

Again, I’m only speaking from the perspective of someone who lives in California and had my own set of experiences dealing with the hurdles of insurance and the process in general, so if anyone knows it’s different somewhere else or how you could do this in the closet to either family or to doctors, you’re welcome to add! I’m afraid I’ve never run into anyone who went through with surgery completely in the closet with everyone involved. The systems in place for this are based off an outdated binary “male or female” scales, which can make things uniquely difficult for non-binary people to obtain care.

You may find this article particularly helpful about receiving surgery specifically as a non-binary person.

TLDR; successfully acquiring top surgery while completely in the closet to your family or medical staff/insurance groups would be very difficult in most circumstances unless you go completely behind your family’s back and/or bring attention to your gender identity in a medical/legal setting.

[golbrocklovely]

I fully agree with you, if he hasnt walked a mile in another person’s shoes, someone who hasnt had it easy, hasnt lived a life of privileged or had that cushion where he knew if he fucked up he could easily move back with mom and dad, then he has no right to tell people how it is and how its supposed to be based on what he’s read off self help books. Its not like he spent years helping malnourished children in a extremely poor part of the world and went “wow these people with so little still manage to be happy by doing this”, no he bought philosophy for dummies and ran with it.

Personally i think the people that preach the most like he does are trying to convince themselves they are happy, so they go on these rants and spiels trying to convince people it should be like this or that because that is how their life is currently like and because they really aren’t happy. Not to sound like a jerk because i’d kill to have that life where i can be my own boss, follow my own schedule, and my biggest headache is “i need to edit & film” and not “how the fuck am i going to pay rent”, but Sam is over here complaining about editing all the time and how “its starting to feel like work”, yeah im not gonna feel bad for you buddy when you’ve had the means to hire editors and a team, no one told you to disassociate from friends or move and buy A second mansion and just abandon the first one. His issues are rich people problems and for him to have the audacity to say we shouldn’t put all our joy into vacationing!!! When the majority of us cant afford to travel every other week like him is absurd.

The same way Colby gets called out for the littlest things, i WISH someone would call him out and tell him if he feels like ranting to go to a therapist first and then if he still can’t scratch that itch, to actually take the time to get out of his comfort zone and learn about people and society instead of being so generalized with his thinking.

i don't think he would have to go that far to understand struggle. but i do think weirdly he can come across with a lack of empathy. i think he genuinely cares, but i don't think he fully grasps how bad some ppl have it. hell, even i to some extent don't. but bc my lows have been deadly to some extent, i care for those who have struggled more than me, bc i could barely make it thru.

and you nailed it right on the head. i think internally he struggles to find himself, to find things that make him happy, and bc of that, he tries to project this air of "i'm so happy and you can be just like me if you follow along." and it's just… not realistic.

i personally believe that regardless of life circumstance, you can still bitch about how life feels. even they have bad days. my issue is that maybe venting to us isn't the best way to go about it. go vent to your influencer friends who understand you gripe. i will say tho, when they do complain, they also immediately follow it up with "but we don't really have all that much to complain about" so… win some lose some lol

but i do get your point that they could easily hire someone to help take the stress of editing out of their life, but instead don't forever whatever reason bc they want someone they can mold into the perfect editor for them.

side note, and not related to this at all, on xplrclub they talked about how they might be hiring this one editor who's gonna basically do sam's half (or at least help out with that half) and i'm just like…. WHY THAT HALF??? they bitch constantly that they don't want anything flashy that a lot of editors do now-a-days, so clearly they want control on the back end of the editing. why not just hiring someone to cut the video up and make it make sense, and then the two of them can split between the music, subtitles, transitions, ect???? that would be SO much easier. also i basically said at this point they should just hire a fan to edit bc even i at this point could make a video like theirs lol

anyway back to your ask

oh yeah, when he talked about not living for things like vacation and trying to find happiness or positivity in the mundane, i get it. but like…. wrong messenger. you can actually afford a vacation. some of us can't and will never be able to. so like, if we some how miraculously can, shut the fuck up and let me enjoy it sksksks

highkey i would love for snc to both go to a therapist. like, i just know they need one. we all do tbh. but at least they can afford to go to one.