#like in the 6th grade it was so obvious i was extremely depressed

[hoonietual]

let me tell u a story about how in the 5th grade, us 10/11 year olds were involved in so much drama and i was somehow at the center of it......... the entire school knew about it. it was weird as fuck.

[jokeson-u]

tw: suicide

idk who to say this to or how to articulate this but i feel like its something i have to express.

suicidal people are so so valid and deserve support and therapy and to live. but please. please please understand how it affects ur friends and loved ones. i dont mean if you kill yourself (because thats.. the extreme, to say the least.) i absolutely believe in sharing feelings with ur friends and going to them for help when you need it. but please be aware of how much ur unloading on to them and what the ratio between u both is.

idk maybe i sound like a selfish bitch for all this. but god. i feel like so much of my life was taken from me, from 6th grade onward, because ive always just felt my worth was what i could give to other people. because thats all i felt i was worth in middle school. every single one of my friends were suicidal and self harmed and i was the one they went to every time. and i was ok with it at the time but i never realized how much it really did fuck me up and how awful itd feel for me to admit that to myself.

i was the one who had to call parents/authorities 6 different times because of my friends attempting suicide. and i knew the difference between people threatening to do it, and people following through with it. im genuinely scarred by my friends showing any affection to my thru text, like texting me they love me or whatever. it makes me panic and i start asking them if theyre ok and to please not hurt themselves. ive spent school nights awake talking friends down from suicide. ive kept to myself when i hurt myself because i felt like a hypocrite.

and the worst part is that now. i mean nothing to any of those people. maybe L but wow hes a bad friend to me and. i dont know if its worth it anymore but. thats.. thatd 10 years of friendship and sacrifice on my end gone. and it makes me feel horrible feeling that way, i dont deserve or expect anything from him, but. why did he barely talk to me after transferring to my high school and taking my school best friend and not talking to me at all basically anymore when he got a boyfriend, and only got close to me again when they broke up?? why wasnt he there for me when i was so so depressed last year?? or senior year? or even in middle school? why is he so ok with dismissing my feelings and gaslighting me about what i am or am not upset about? i feel idk kinda taken advantage of. my money and time and support and love.

yea, i know the obvious answer here is that our relationship is lowkey toxic, and this isnt even the half of it. but its been 10 years. its been so much time and feeling and and investment and i was never appreciated for it. if i lose him i lose our group who have also taken advantage of me and havent shown me an ounce of the support of consistently shown them. ill have 1 friend if that happens and while i adore her and have had her for 9 years, shes not always my speed. she listens but she generally nods and moves on, still expected me to support her when suicidal but doesnt show support the same way. the difference is i know thats just how she is and rly loves me. i dont always feel that way about my other friends despite them saying they do love me.

this post turned into a totally different topic i guess. but its just so hard and draining and im trying not to think about it to much but i know its something i do have to address and consider and fuck i just. cant. deal with them. why cant i have friends like me? that sounds so conceited but friendship is so important to me, and i prioritize my friends and consider their feelings and most of mine simply do not the majority of the time.

of course i should drop them. im not talking to that group right now after something that happened (except i had to ask them for money because one of them damaged the washer at the airbnb and the host is asking for money and ofc none of them have sent money.) but what does anyone really expect of me here? god. i hate this so much.

[smallest-clown]

Who am I to you?

It started with a kiss. That’s all it took. All it took to have Eddie silencing his sobs with his pillow that night. Then that kiss turned into Richie skipping lunch with the losers every couple of days to go make out with his side piece in the janitor’s closet. That made Eddie not come to lunch either. Then those little moments away from the group turned into Richie skipping out on his and Eddie’s plans to go hang out with his girlfriend, which in turn made Eddie stop hanging out with the Losers all together.

He didn’t want to be anywhere near Richie or anything associated with him.

Richie meant everything to Eddie. He would hide it behind all the jokes and fights and insults, but he loved Richie so much. Ever since 6th grade, Eddie had wanted to be more to Richie than just his friend, but the comments Richie made about gay people made Eddie hide his feelings a lot. Everything about Richie made Eddie’s heart flutter. He just wanted to be his, and be able to look at Richie and think “he’s mine”

The only time Richie and Eddie saw each other after that was English class. But instead of having desks pressed together, passing notes, loud laughs and unfinished work, Richie and Eddie were on opposite sides of the classroom. Richie with his girlfriend, and Eddie on his own. Eddie’s work was done much quicker, much better as well. The teacher was happy that he didn’t have Richie weighing him down.

Eddie wasn’t. Nobody had seen him smile in weeks. Occasionally, the other Losers would individually spend some time with him. He always seemed closed off, his demeanour no longer overactive and extreme. It was obvious he was depressed.

Richie wasn’t doing so well either. Sure, he was happy with his girlfriend, Lucy, but he was still upset. Eddie wasn’t talking to him, and all the other Losers were barely giving him the time of day. He almost wanted to break up with her so that things could go back to the ways they were. But that’s insane. He loves her.

He loves her. Eddie thought as he watched the two cuddle up to each other in class. He just lay his head down on his desk. He had finished all the work leading up until next Monday. He just let himself melt into the wooden table.

Richie watched from across the class. Eddie would usually be freaking out about how disgusting the tables were. He would barely touch them, to the point where certain teachers would keep spray bleach bottles in their classes to let him clean the desk before sitting in it. But here he was, face pressed fully into it. That made Richie nervous. God, something must be wrong. This wasn’t like Eddie at all.

The teacher started handing out graded works. Some sort of creative writing type of thing. She handed Lucy’s hers, and then Richie’s his. A large 98% of the top. Richie’s eyes almost popped out of his head. This was impossible! He had written some bullshit about coyotes roaming through the desert and starting fights. Even though he was a straight-A student, English was kicking his ass this year for some reason. It didn’t really matter though, he’d already gotten accepted into his dream college, so a few bad English grades wouldn’t do that much damage. And besides, the school year was ending in a week. Graduation had already passed and most of the exams were done. But there’s no way in hell he got this high of a grade for what he wrote. He checked the name on the top.

E. Kaspbrak

The teacher had given him Eddies and his. He checked his own quickly. 57%. Yup, that made more sense. But now he was curious. Eddie used to always show him his work beforehand. Used to always ask for his opinion. He glanced over to see Eddie asleep on his desk. Guess what the kid doesn’t know won’t hurt him? Richie began reading.

‘Who am I to you? What place do I take in your mind? What do you see me as? Am I your friend? Your foe? Someone just for you to talk to? Was I used to fill in an empty space? Do you really need me, or are you just using me for my kindness? I’ve had people like that in my life before. I was used by those people because I was submissive to them. They just used me because I let them. I never fought them on it. I let them use me for whatever they wanted. I let them treat me like shit just because I was afraid of being all alone. In my head, being alone was worse than being abused and made fun of. I would rather be called horrible names, be embarrassed about myself, hate every single thing about myself than be left alone to my own devices. I now have to pay for that. I have to pay for my actions. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without hearing the names they would call me. Fag, dumbass, useless, a waste of space. I had heard about abusive relationships before, but I thought that I couldn’t possibly be in one. Am I like that to you? Just a punching bag for your words or a punchline at the ends of your jokes? Do I even matter to you? Am I worth your time? My mind made up these situations where you admit to me how much you hate me and how you find me worthless, and I started believing them. I let my mind create multiple situations where you leave me and let me be, and that’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of you leaving me. And right now, I think you just did’

Richie’s heart shattered like a mirror getting hit with a baseball. Eddie, his Eddie, was feeling this way. His Eddie didn’t feel wanted. Richie kept himself from crying. He made a mental note to talk to Eddie after school about all this. “Babe? Is everything alright?” Lucy asked from beside him. “Yeah babe, everything alright.”

The rest of the school day felt like it was going on forever for Richie. It was only two classes but it felt like every second passing by was actually a minute. But when the last bell rang, he sprinted out of class to his locker. It wouldn’t be hard to find Eddie, he takes the same route to walk himself back home every day. He hasn’t changed it since they started going to this school. That’s something that Richie liked about Eddie. His consistency. He needed that in his life. His mind would bounce from subject to subject so quickly that nothing was ever exactly the same to him. He could never do something twice exactly the same. But Eddie, Eddie could continuously do everything exactly the same all the time. He needed those patterns to exist. Richie envied that.

“If you were in such a rush to see me, I could’ve met you at your class silly.” A voice said as Richie frantically packed up his bag. “Oh, Lucy, Hi. Listen I’m going to have to cancel our plans for tonight. I really need to see a family friend.” Richie watched as confusion and then hurt painted this poor’s girl’s face. “Oh, alright. I’ll see you later I guess.” She mumbled as she walked away. Richie felt bad. Every time he tried to cancel plans with her, she’d take it as a personal hit. That’s why he had been blowing Eddie off, cause he knew that Eddie would understand better than Lucy.

Girls were complicated. They didn’t always settle like guys did. Most of the guys Richie knew would take whatever answer they were given and settle with it, but girls would argue and try to get their point across. Girls needed to be right. Guys liked to be right. Richie really did believe this.

Richie ran as fast as possible from his locker, out the front door, past the parking lot, just in time to catch Eddie leave the school property. “Fuck!” Richie sighed out when he finally stopped running. Eddie barely noticed who was behind him, thinking it was the younger students that had taken a liking to him and would walk home with him every few days. “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Eddie asked, still not turning around. “No, but I kiss yours, and she seems to enjoy it.” Eddie froze and his heart dropped so fast it practically hit his feet. Richie. It was Richie. “H-hi trashmouth.”

Eddie had no plan, no idea what he should do. God, why did Richie have to be like this? He was so socially unaware of everything happening around him, he never seemed to take how others were feeling into consideration. Eddie wished he could be more like Richie, not caring what others think, not needing their approval. He wished he could just blow through life saying and doing whatever he wanted and not having to take any guff from people. He wished he was brave enough to just be himself.

“So, Eddie Spaghetti, y’know in English class today? When Mrs. Cass handed out our work?” Eddie didn’t remember. What work? He shook his head, indicating to Richie that he hadn’t been aware of this. “Oh right, you were asleep. Well, you see, Mrs. Cass was handing out our corrected creative writing work, and I guess her brain was still used to us sitting next to each other cause she gave me your work too.” If Eddie’s heart was at his feet, his stomach had joined it. He had written that very quickly one night when he was upset and just handed it in without giving a second thought. He wasn’t usually the one to make a vent work, but he had done it this time. He didn’t think anyone besides his teacher would read it. But knowing that Richie read it made him afraid. Those were his private feelings, a secret message he had made for the boy, and he had read it like it was nothing. “W-why would you do that?” He hissed. Richie was taken aback. He hadn’t seen any malice with what he had done. He was concerned for his friends well being, why was he acting so offended “Do you still have it, Richie?” He snapped afterwards. “Uh, yeah, here it is.” Richie said confusingly, handing the smaller boy his paper. Eddie grabbed it as fast as possible and started walking away. “Wait! Where are you going?” “Home.” Eddie had quickened his pace. It was obvious he was trying to get out of there as fast as possible. “I thought maybe we could hang out to make up for the times I couldn’t.” Richie said, jogging to catch up with the smaller boy. But he had stopped abruptly hearing that. Eddie was filled with rage, and it was evident with his body language. “Make up for the times you couldn’t? No Richie. You’d be making up for the times you blew me off just so you could spend time with Lucy! You didn’t ask me beforehand, you never gave me a heads up that you weren’t coming! That was a real dick move Rich.” Richie didn’t know how to react. He really thought Eddie would’ve understood. “I-I just thought-” “Did you think I wouldn’t care? You think I would’ve just been like ‘Welp, better luck next time.’ You know me by now Richie.” Eddie continued walking home. “Eddie I’m sorry but we really need to talk. Eds, slow down! Eddie, you scared me!” He shouted. Eddie turned around to face him. “Your writing, it scared me so much. I-I didn’t know you w-were feeling like that. I was scared that you were going to do something bad Eds. Please, just let me hang out with you tonight. let me know you’re ok. I’m sorry.”

Eddie took a deep breath. Everything was too much right now. He was just moments from crying. “I’m fine Richie, really. Just….just go hang out with your girlfriend.” Eddie turned himself back around, dead set on leaving for home for real now.

Richie was struck with a realization. This wasn’t about the reading of the paper. This was about something else. Richie could tell by the way Eddie had said girlfriend

“Wait, are you mad at me for having a girlfriend?” The question hit Eddie right in the chest, making him lose his breath. “N-no.” Richie could tell he was lying. “You are. You’re jealous of her. Listen Eds, I’m not your property. I can hang out with who I want. I can date who I want. I don’t belong to you. I’m sorry for blowing you off but I thought you’d understand cause you're my friend.” Eddie’s lips trembled with the feeling of holding back tears. He still had his back to Richie. “I cancelled plans with her tonight cause I’m concerned for you! God, you’re such a whiny bitch.”

That’s all it took. Those words said usually teasingly, now said to hurt him. Those words were all it took to break Eddie’s heart. And all it took for Eddie to try to break Richie’s nose.

For the first time in his life, Edward Kaspbrak threw a punch. He turned around without thinking and punched Richie square in the face. He could hear himself screaming shut up while he did it, but the aftermath was a gut-wrenching silence. Richie held his breath as he saw the blood on his fingers. It was coming from his nose. He was hurt and concerned for himself, but he couldn’t help but chuckle.

“You finally did it Eds. You finally stood up to me.”

Eddie couldn’t stop himself from crying as he apologized profusely. “Hey, don’t be sorry. You’ve got a good punch. Bill teach you how to do that?” He chuckled, spitting out the blood that had leaked into his mouth. He knew he pushed Eddie too far. It was evident. “Beep fucking beep Richie.” Eddie hissed as he pulled tissues out of his backpack. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t very kind of me. You wouldn’t think like that bud.” Eddie wasn’t used to Richie being so calm. It was as if the punch had rebooted him. “Richie, you’re in shock.” “Of course I’m shocked, you just punched me Eds.” “No! That’s not what- nevermind. We need to get you cleaned up.” Eddie continued to clean up the bloody nose. They were lucky almost none got on Richie’s clothes. They even took a quick jog to the pharmacy to get some water to clean it up, asking the obviously coke buzzed pharmacist if Eddie had succeeded at breaking Richie’s nose. He said no, but some bruising would definitely appear. Richie smacked Eddie’s back in pride, saying something along the lines of ‘Eddie spaghetti finally grew some balls huh?’ But Eddie felt nothing like that.

Eddie felt sick to his stomach. He knew that Richie was right, that’s why he reacted the way he did. He didn’t want anyone, especially Richie, knowing how he felt about him. So he needed to shut him up. His heart was so heavy with guilt. Richie was praising him for his reaction, but Eddie this wasn’t something you’d praised someone for. He was hiding his secret behind the pain Richie was in.

Eddie let Richie stay the night out of pity. His mom was quite surprised to see the boy but didn’t question it. She had learned to just let Richie over or else Eddie would just run off to his house. She didn’t question the bruises on Richie’s face, mumbling something about his father under her breath. Eddie was so nervous and stressed about having the boy in his house, he didn’t notice Richie intensely looking at his arms when he took his coat off, sighing in relief when he saw nothing there besides unmarked skin.

The boys ran up to Eddie’s room. Richie immediately threw himself onto Eddie’s bed, a lopsided grin on his face as he waited for Eddie to join him in the bed to cuddle like they usually did. But he didn’t. He stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his stomach as he stared at the ground. “Richie...I know you said you didn’t care and that your proud of me for punching you….but, did I hurt you?” Richie looked like he was contemplating his answer. His throat flexed and then relaxed, indicating he gulped his saliva. “Well, you obviously hurt me, but like you didn’t cause any emotional pain I guess?” “Yeah, I get that. But like, if anyone else would’ve done that, any of the other losers, you would’ve beat them up so hard and not talked to them for days. Why are you treating me differently?”

Another gulp. There were things that Richie was hiding, parts of himself he was afraid of letting anyone else know. He felt his incisors bite down on the tip of his tongue to control himself. Every ounce in his body was screaming at him to just say it. Every muscle pulling him into Eddie’s arms, his heart racing in his chest, his lungs breathing in quicker and quicker. Three words, that’s all it was. It would only take three little words and he’d know. That there was a reason he didn’t go out with a girl until now. There was a reason he’d been so close to Eddie for such a long time. There was a reason that at night he had to convince himself that he loved Lucy and that he wanted to stay with her. A taunting voice at the back of his head told him to say it, to just get it over with. But for once in his short life, Richie thought before he spoke.

“It’s cause I’m nervous for you.” Eddie was confused and it evidently showed on his face, because Richie continued. “That thing you wrote. It wasn’t just a thing for the English class. I know you Eds, you always write from the heart. And I’ve never seen you write anything like this before. I didn’t want to leave you alone tonight….in case bad things happened.”

Eddie sucked in a breath. That fucking paragraph “Things between us have been weird recently since Lucy came into my life, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been paying enough attention to you….I-I’ve noticed that you haven’t been as happy as you usually are and I feel responsible for some reason. I just don’t want you to do anything dumb.” Eddie was quiet, still barely standing in his room. Richie was now sitting up in the bed. Neither of them were looking at each other. It wasn’t long before Richie heard Eddie take in stuttered breaths. “you were right.” He said in such a quiet voice Richie thought he imagined it. “You were right Rich, I’m mad that you have a girlfriend. I feel like you’ve left me.” Richie looked up at him. His nose and cheeks were blushed and his eyes were watering a lot. Richie stood up quickly to hug and comfort him. “Hey hey hey, it’s alright. I’m not leaving you. We’re still friends after all.” “No Richie, you don’t fucking get it.” Eddie said as he pushed him away. Richie just stood there in shock. “It feels like I’ve lost my chance. I know you love her and I’m happy for you, I just wished that were me. I just wished that I was more to you than your friend. I want to kiss you and call you mine. I want to share a bed with you and be able to hold you without it feeling weird. Ever since middle school friends I’ve been teetering between better of as lovers or better off without each other, and when I lost you I knew that the later wasn’t what I needed. “you’re everything to me. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of you, where I don’t crave your dumb jokes and general dumbassery. Seeing you with her has torn a hole through my heart and I was scared that if I didn’t tell you how I feel soon, it was just going to grow into a crater that could never be filled. I know you most likely don’t feel the same, and I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry for telling you, but you needed to know. I’m sorry that I’m too late.”

It was as if a flood gate of emotions had been opened and Eddie couldn’t keep anything in. He needed to say these things. He meant every word of the emotional rant and just stood there in the puddle of his regret, tears leaving his eyes as if he was a cloud and his shirt was the world, raining down and creating a wet patch.

Both boys just stood there frozen looking at each other after Eddie had said his little speech. Richie was crying. Staring directly at Eddie. He didn’t say anything as he picked up his backpack and left the house altogether.

Eddie broke down, throwing himself into his bed and crying into his pillow. He knew it was a bad idea. He was such an idiot. He’s lost Richie for good now, it was clear to him. Nothing mattered. His mind drifted to the box under his mom’s bed that she kept in case someone ever tried to hurt them, but pulled himself away from that quickly. What the fuck was he thinking? His crush didn’t like him and he might’ve just lost his best friend, but that’s not a reason to kill himself. He needed to talk to someone about this, and quick. He grabbed the phone next to his bed and dialled a familiar number. “Stanely Uris speak-” “Stan! I told him!” Silence from the other end of the line. Eddie could hear Stan closing a door and then returning to his bed. “How did he react?” “Left my house immediately.” There was a sigh from the other end of the line. Stanley could hear the hurt in Eddie’s voice. A slight tremble that wasn’t there usually. “Richard Tozier, you dumbass.” He mumbled to himself as he grabbed his bag. No use talking over the phone, Eddie needed to be comforted in person. “Eddie, I’m sorry that I’m hanging up now, but I’m on my way over.” “Alright, Stan.” They hung up their phones and Stan made his way over, making a slight detour towards the man of the hour’s house.

Eddie had told Stanley by accident in 9th grade. Eddie had a knack for sleep talking occasionally, only when he took medications that sedate you. That night in particular he had a slight scratch in his throat so his mother had begged him to take a dose of some cough medicine. When he had fallen asleep, he was quite verbal during his dream in which he and Richie seemed to be doing….things. Stan had stayed awake laying on the floor next to Eddie, debating keeping this to himself or mentioning it to Eddie the next day. In the morning, while the two were making breakfast for themselves since Mrs. K had run out to do her daily errands, Stan asked him what his dream was since the nightly noises seemed to indicate he was having a ‘fun time’. Eddie lost his breath hearing Stan say that. He had tried to stutter out an excuse but Stan silenced him with a hug, comforting him and saying that he was fine with him being gay, telling him he’s proud of him. Eddie broke down in Stan’s arms, crying and clinging onto him for dear life. Stan cried a bit too, admitting his crush on Bill. The boys spend the rest of the morning talking about their fears.

Stan slammed his fist against Richie’s front door, hearing some yells behind it. Went opened the door and stared down at the unimpressed looking teenager. “I need to borrow your son.” “RICHIE!!!! ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS HERE!!!” He yelled before walking back into the living room. Richie sulked his way down the stairs to the entrance. “Look, Eddie, I’m not in the mood to talk- oh hey Stan the man, what’s up?” Richie said, trying to hide his awkward hurt mood with the usual nickname. Stan almost audibly gasped at the bruise formed on Richie’s face but ignored it. He just grabbed Richie by the ear and started to drag him down the road. “owowowowowowow! Stan what the fuck! ow where are we going?” Stan didn’t say anything as he dragged the boy towards the house he had been at less than an hour earlier.

Richie was finally able to free himself when they were only a few houses away. “Stan! I can’t go back in there...He must hate me.” He grabbed his temples, frustrated with his past actions. He wasn’t ready for Eddie to tell him. Well, he wasn’t ready to tell Eddie he felt the same way. He had known for a while that he wasn’t straight, but had denied himself from accepting that. He refused to think of himself as gay. He loved Eddie, he wanted Eddie the way he wanted him. But he had ruined things. Eddie probably hated him. He looked up to see Stan giving him the most ‘I’m about to smack you so hard you’re great-grandchildren will feel it so don’t try me.’ look.

“Oh, he must hate you? After you walked out after he confessed his love for you after hiding this secret since 6th grade? Oh no, I’m sure you’re fine.” He said in a sarcastic tone as he knocked on Eddie’s door. He knew these dumbasses weren’t going to fix things on their own so he had to give them that push to solve their problems. “Stan! There you are…..” Eddie trailed off when he noticed Richie standing next to him.

Stan didn’t let either of them say anything, he just grabbed them by their hands and dragged them upstairs to Eddie’s room, throwing them both in there. “I’m going to stand outside this door and neither of you are allowed to leave until you solve your problems.” He said right before he slammed the door shut.

The two stood there unable to think, barely able to breathe. Where were they supposed to go from there? Neither of them knew what to say. But Richie just went with it. “I’m sorry for leaving….I panicked.” He mumbled, looking over Eddie’s face for any sign of emotion. He just nodded solemnly. “You should be yelling at me.” Eddie just shook his head. He looked like he was going to say something so Richie gave him the room to speak. “You don’t yell at the people you love.” Richie’s heart started beating faster. He still loved him. The statement reminded him of earlier that day, the bruising punch Eddie gave him and his internal refusal to react. He loved Eddie too much to be mad, even if the punch really did hurt, how in the hell does someone his size hit like that? No! Focus trashmouth.

Stan was trying his best to listen along to the conversation through the door. “Stanley Uris? Well isn’t this a shock.” Mrs. Kaspbrak said as she stood at the end of the hallway. Stan sighed under his breath and turned to the large woman with an even larger smile. “Hello Mrs. K! How are you?” He said, needing to keep this woman as far away from the room as possible to keep Eddie and Richie safe. “Well Eddie didn’t tell me you were coming over.” She said as she waddled towards the door. “Uh well yeah. We were studying with Richie but took a quick break. Say, Mrs K, you’ve been to the new pharmacy in town. How is it? How’s the service. Spare no detail.” Eddie was going to owe him a big one later. “Oh god, the place is a disaster! It’ll take me hours to break down the complexity of how horrendous it is.” “I’ve got all the time in the world. Let’s go to the living room to chat!”

Richie and Eddie were sat in silence again, the two still trying to find words. Richie had sat himself down on Eddie’s bed, the asthmatic joining him. They’d been there for a few minutes. “I-I I’m sorry I made things weird.” Eds said, not looking up from his lap. Richie gave him a sideways glance. “You don’t have to apologize. You told me stuff that was bothering you. You’re allowed to do that.” More silence. Richie’s brain was trying to focus but, as usual, his brain was jumping between twenty thoughts at once. ‘God Eddie is so cute, I like him so much, I want to kiss him so badly, I need to break up with Lucy, but it’ll crush her, but this is hurting Eddie so much.’ He was sure of what he needed to do. Lucy would understand. She’d be upset, sure, but it was wrong keeping a relationship he didn’t care that much about going. He turned towards Eddie, gently placing his hand on top of his. “Hey, Eds?” “Hmm?” Richie took a deep breath, wiping his sweaty hands on his dirt and grass-stained ripped jeans. He could do this. “I...um...alright. I like you too.” Eddie had to stop himself from grabbing the inhaler in his pocket cause holy fuck oh my god Richie fucking Tozier said he liked him too. His heart was racing a million miles a minute. Richie took another breath and continued. “Remember all those things you said earlier? I feel all those things too. I-I want to be to you what you want to be to me. Does that make sense?” Eddie nodded, a wide smile growing on his face as happy tears fell down his face. “I want to be your boyfriend. Not just your friend. I want to call you mine. I know I won’t be the perfect boyfriend, but I will do my best for you Eds...I-I love you. I love you so fucking much.” He said, starting to cry as well. Both of them just sat there looking at each other, smiling and crying. This was it. The moment the two of them had been hoping for years. It was finally happening. “I love you too.” Eddie whispered, his voice trailing off a bit as he said the last word, muffled by his crying. Eddie gently placed his hands on Richie’s cheeks, wiping away some of the stray tears that fell. He slapped the right one quickly. “That’s for leaving.” He mumbled, moving closer to Richie. He wrapped his arms around Richie’s neck, pulling his face closer. He gently placed his mouth on his. The kiss was soft, sweet and perfect. Emotions and feelings poured into every movement both boys made. This was the tender moment the two had craved for years. When they finally pulled away, they had the biggest smiles on their faces. “And that’s for coming back.” Eddie said teasingly. Richie pulled Eddie by his shoulders into another kiss, laying down and dragging Eddie onto him. They continued to fool around until Eddie pulled away. “I feel like we’re forgetting something” the two took a moment until realization dawned on them. “STAN!”

note: I’m lowkey proud of this. it’s my longest one shot to date. It’s also kinda a vent fic I guess?

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Maybe not the right account to ask, but how can I tell the difference between just being attracted to men and that playing into gay relationships or wanting to be a man? I know it’s common for straight girls to get turned on/find male couples attractive(I mean this as respectfully as I can), but I also know being drawn towards gay relationships could indicate that I’m a gay man? I’m just really confused about that and I can’t tell what I’m feeling

hi nonnie. i know ive definitely talked about the latter case (my interest in mlm playing a role in ultimately understanding my identity as a trans mlm) so i feel like i definitely need to clarify. That isnt the only reason i began to question my gender. i had a LOT of other things going on and throughout my life i noticed many different moments & preferences that, altogether, i see as being a part of my gender dysphoria that i didnt understand at the time. these things include:

hating girly things as a kid, being the stereotypical "tomboy"

when i was rly little i was obsessed with being able to "pee like a boy" even after i understood the "difference" (aka genitals) i still was like. Obsessed with the thought of it like "what if I could.....Pee Like A Boy....what....might that mean......"

i loved writing & i never wrote from the pov of a girl it was almost always a guy. i was all "im not like other girls i dont understand ~them~" which alone is just like internalized misogyny but. even after understanding that i didnt Like writing from the pov of a girl or "playing" girl characters or anything.....i realize now this dislike was bc i felt like i was always "playing" a girl & i wanted to escape that.

I not only hated my name (my birth name was a very feminine name) but always kept trying to find nicknames or change my name to something gender neutral or masculine. I got in trouble in 6th grade where my teachers called a parent teacher conference to tell my parents that i needed to stop turning in all my schoolwork with the names of male celebrities that i liked at the time.

Related to previous bullet point - my friends and i would "role play" a lot together where we just thought of a story & characters & then just improved it out as those characters & to hear them refer to me as a guys name with he/him pronouns was like......i could NOT get enough. In english classes when we acted out plays i always begged for a guys role. in high school i even wrote a journal for a time from my teenage Malesona(TM)

when i did go hyperfeminine & wore dresses & always did my hair & make up etc. it was fun for a time & then it got very old. It didnt feel like me, it felt like a fake person. people have told me after coming out that they thought i was like fake/insincere. I was also extremely depressed at this time so i figured it was the depression at the time but like now i see that actually probably a large part of my depression was bc i was forcing myself to be a girl.

and while these are just my hyperspecific examples from my personal transition, i hope that it shows that there were a lot of other "signs" that i didnt understand at the time even if they seem really obvious now. i questioned my gender since puberty hit, i started binding my chest around 10th/11th grade, etc. all of this PLUS the way i interacted with m/m slash fandom was how i came to my identity.

so i think to answer ur question nonnie - do you just like reading m/m fic bc those r characters u like and u find them hot, or like watching gay porn vids bc dudes r hot & women in porn can sometimes be iffy (w the Male Gaze & all) so its harder to find stuff u like w f/m & f/f vids, & just generally stuff along these lines but nothing to do w how u personally view ur own gender or how u want to be perceived by others? Then youre probably a girl who is attracted to guys (and/or other genders since u didnt specify!)

OR......

are you questioning your gender in other ways, does it make you uncomfortable to be seen as a woman, do you not like to think of yourself as being a woman, do other people seeing you & interacting with you as a guy or another gender make you happier than as a girl, or any other similar experiences where you feel your actual gender is not the same as the one you were "assigned" from birth? if thats accurate, maybe looking into some transgender resources might be helpful.

I hope this helps you nonnie, please feel free to message me on my main @warrenkoles as well if you have any more specific questions or just want to talk a bit about what its like being trans. :)

Wes

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #060

Have you ever held hands with the same sex? Yes. What is a difference between the last two people you kissed? Uhhhh the most obvious/quickest one I can think of is one's a man and the other is a woman. Ever made out in a pool? I'm pretty sure I have at least once, just discreetly and even then only two others were present. Who was the last person you got into an argument with? My mom. Be honest. On a scale of 1 to 10, how nice of a person are you? Maybe like... 8-ish? I mean I try my best to be nice, but I know I can be snappy if you catch me on a bad day.

Who was the last person to cry in front of you? My mom. She was telling me about how she just totally broke down on the way home from the place Nicole will probably be moving into, and it made her cry all over again. We both hate where we live so, so much. It's not "home" to either of us. I just wish I could buy my mother her absolute dream home. She's pretty convinced she'll never be able to move outta here and I just can't leave her behind in this fucking house whenever I do move out. Seeing her cry is the absolute worst. Do you know a Robert? Tell me about him. My brother Bobby's real name is Robert. He is a very, very intelligent man and just a wonderful person as a whole. He's very considerate and respectful and just... good. He's honestly an unmatched father in terms of quality and dedication that I've ever seen. His sons are his fucking universe, as is his wife. I hope I get to meet his wife and newest son soon. Who was your first major crush? Do you still talk to that person? Sebastian I think, and no. He's a FB friend, but we haven't actually chatted since high school days. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life? No. There's just no way it could work. I felt too much. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Or if you are a virgin, what age do you think you’ll lose it at? Realistically I'll probably be the age I am now. We're not waiting for anything but to be alone when the mood's right. It'll happen when it happens. Ever been “the other person” in an affair? I guess in... technicality? I don't know. Joel and I never even met in person, I just sorta nudged him and my then-best friend into finally dating via texting, and things got messy. I was a very stupid kid. Ever been to therapy? What for? I've been in therapy since the 6th grade for anxiety, depression, PTSD, and bipolarity issues. How many people have seen you naked in person? Uhhh besides the doctors that delivered me, my parents obviously, and sisters as babies, like... two or three? I don't know. Oh no wait, psych hospital visits... When being admitted, you always had to strip in front of the intake nurses or whatever their actual title is to ensure you're clean of any dangerous stuff. I always fucking hated it, it's so uncomfortable. Ever got a piercing behind your parents’ back? No, my parents were always pretty open to whatever piercing I wanted. Book series you enjoyed reading recently? I'm in the process of reading the Wings of Fire series, which is great. Who do you know that wears the most make up? Probably my friend Summer, who goes to school for cosmetology. She's actually an MUA as her job and is EXTREMELY fucking good at it, like what she does on herself and others is stunning. I plan on getting her to do my wedding makeup, whenever that day comes. <3 Support your friends and their dreams, man. Have you ever been tied up? No. Related though, I have been in full-body restraints during a visit to court during a mental hospital stay... I was arguing my case on why I didn't need as long of a stay as was planned. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, that whole adventure. I was cattled in a truck with some UNHINGED fuckin people. What if your boyfriend/​girlfriend went through your phone? I'd be upset in the sense that it's just disrespectful and distrustful, but I have nothing bad or secretive on it, so. Who’s your tallest friend? Girt. I can't remember his exact height, but he's an actual goliath. Does your last ex have a job? I don't know, but maybe. She was making great progress in medical coding work and was keen to find a job based around it with the help of a certificate she earned. Do you have a serious interest in any forms of art? Photography for sure, but I really do love just any form of artistic expression. Do you have a love for nature? God, yes. Would you be interested in starting your own business? I want to be a freelance photographer, badly. Have you ever seen the movie Labyrinth? I actually haven't. Have you ever been a fan of N*Sync? I was as a kid, but Backstreet Boys were better. Last time you saw fireworks, with whom & where? I actually don't think I've seen fireworks since Colleen and I were still friends and we were at her in-laws' place on the 4th. This was maaaaany years ago. Who was driving the last time you were in a car? My mom. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks? I MIGHT, but I'm really not totally certain. I recently realized something I DO want to do though is swim with a big ol' whale. They make me sorta uneasy with how big they are, but they are still fucking magical animals to me, and just seeing them exist is humbling to me. Like, just to be real, we ain't shit compared to a giant blue whale. You could take that negatively, but I see it very positively. How old were you when you met your first love? 15. Are you taking this survey in a place other than your home? Nah, I'm home. Have you ever been to Disneyland? No, but I've been to Disney World in Florida. Have you ever been in a limo? Nah. Always wanted to once, though. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. She's such a wonderful person, I just wish I knew how to interact with her better. I honestly don't think she likes me. Have you ever watched an anime series, start to finish? Yes: both versions of Fullmetal Alchemist, Deadman Wonderland, and Ginga Densetsu Weed. Pretty sure those are the only ones I've *actually* finished. Who was your best friend in elementary? I had like, four that shared that title, some being closer than others on certain years, ig. There was Brianna, Kim, Quiata, and Jenna. Have you ever mistaken a person’s gender? Yes, I know at least once in high school art class. I was SO embarrassed and felt awful. What are you currently listening to? I currently have "Giftig" by Rammstein on. How long has your ex been your ex? "The" ex broke up with me in August or September of 2015, so wow, seven whole years... that blows my mind. If you're asking about the most recent ex, in total honesty, when Sara and I split didn't stick with me. Maybe like... two years ago? idk Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I REALLY wanna visit one day. The Eiffel Tower? No. The Great Wall of China? Nah. Have you ever had someone like you that you didn't like back? Yeah, I specifically remember this one guy that obsessively asked me out in the 4th grade. Then I've also told the story I hate of the two kids in pre-k a number of times. Do you know what you'd have been named had you been born the opposite sex? Idk. Do you have any step or half siblings? Both, yes. I honestly don't consider my stepbrother my "real" sibling, though. We barely know each other at all. Would you ever visit a nude beach? No, absolutely not for me. I hate getting sand on me WITH a bathing suit on. When was the last time someone gave you a compliment? I recently shared online (and even on FB with actual friends and family, which I normally don't do) the latest photograph I took, and I got some very much appreciated positive feedback about it. I hadn't taken an actual, "artistic" photograph in over a year, so it really felt good. Who was the last person you dreamt about? I don't remember, actually. Do you hate getting hickeys? As long as it's not in an obvious place, I don't really care. Just have the decency to not smack one where everyone and their mom can see it. Do you think you were well-raised? For the most part, yes. The areas where I've failed as an adult are absolutely my own fault. Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty? No. Are you on good terms with your last ex? No. Do you ever use sleep as a way to cope with bad moods? Yeah, admittedly. Do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings? My mom has her earlobes pierced, but that's it. She wants a tattoo, though. Do you ever listen to podcasts? No. I've tried listening to a couple by like YouTubers I'm into, but podcasts just aren't my thing. Do you weigh less than 130 pounds? Uh, NO. Have you ever wanted to go to Australia? Yeah, especially to meet my long-time, meerkat-obsessed friend. Give me the capital of the state you’re in now, please. Raleigh. Are you bothered by your cosmic insignificance? Nope, I honestly find it comforting. Do you really think there is somebody for everybody? It's a scary thought imo, but no. At least, I don't think. Like, I like to HOPE the world's worst people don't have other monsters drooling over them. Do you place any value in gender roles? Literally zero. Do you have to be related to be family? Absolutely not. Are you in love? Do you want to be? Yes and... I guess yes. Even though I think I'm going to be afraid of Girt leaving even if he never does 'til the day I die. Do you believe in reincarnation? Nah, I don't think so. Would you want to be reincarnated? IF I had no memories of a past life to taint my experience, I think it could be fascinating, so long as I wasn't another human, I think. I'd wanna be a wild animal. Do you think you’re special, or just another person amongst billions? Can you be both? I'm just another person. I think you can be both, yes. Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality? Sexuality, no. I still have questions, and I think I always will unless I have a truly sexual experience with a physically feminine person. As for gender, I just... straight-up don't care. What gender I am means nothing to me personally. Do you believe in some form of god/s? I honestly don't know. I think there may be like, some form of ultimate being/source of knowledge and creation, but I don't see it as an energy seeking fealty or praise. By this point in my life, I've come to just accept not knowing and that it's impossible to know in this phase of my existence. Are your choices fated or of your own free will? I am a very firm believer in free will. I'm not playing out a script. Do you believe in star signs? Not at all. Do you want to be remembered after your death? What for? Yeah, I hope so, at least by some people... Probably for my love and dedication to animals and maybe artistic endeavors. Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? NOPE, to both. What was the last book you read? That I finished, Wings of Fire: Darkstalker. Are you someone's godmother? No. Have you ever snuck out of your house to go meet up with a guy somewhere? No. When was the last time you saw a frog? It's been too long, actually!! I wanna see a frog. :( Have you ever been struck by lightning? YIKES, no. When was the last time you wrote a poem? I started one the last time I was in the psych hospital. I liked how it was coming out, I just stopped when I was discharged because I didn't want to stay in that mental space. I've actually been wanting to write another one, but a much more positive one. I just... haven't. Would you rather write a novel or a book of poems? It's actually kinda a small goal of mine to publish a book of poems one day. Do you believe that it's possible for someone to be resurrected from the dead? No, besides like the cases where someone flatlines for just a little bit and is brought back by an electric shock. Have you ever idolized someone (or just really looked up to someone) and then found out they were selfish? No, thankfully. That would suck. What color hair does your current crush (or boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, whatever) have? Primarily black, but he also has a lot of gray naturally. Have you ever been to Notre Dame cathedral in Paris? No, but I would love to. It broke my fucking heart when it burned. I just adore impressive architecture like that with deep history. Have you ever gone out with a guy and then later found out that he was married? WOW, no. What was the name of the main character in the last book you read? The last book I *finished* actually had three main characters; the chapters took turns from each dragon's viewpoint. There was Darkstalker, Fathom, and Clearsight. ...and what was the name of the villain? Darkstalker. Have you ever had someone copy you or steal your ideas for something? Sure have. Do you rent or own the place you live? Rent. Have you ever made yourself as a Sim? No, actually. Do you groom your eyebrows? If so, how? Not really, honestly. How would you describe your current mood? Not the best. Tired. Worried 'cuz I think my cyst is back. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? So following the overturning of Roe v. Wade, one of my former artist friends was selling pro-life shit that I did not fucking want to see. She's been a bigot for as long as I've known her (and we've known one another since literal childhood), and that was just the final straw of barely putting up with her. Who was the last person to give you flowers? Tyler. Are you Catholic? I hold a deep hatred for Catholicism because it was forced upon me growing up. Also the child molestation that is absolutely not just a (horrible, by the way) "joke" found in it cannot be overlooked. It's a real problem. Do you have nightmares a lot? I seem to have an actual, legitimate condition where I have fucking horrible nightmares pretty much whenever I enter REM sleep. It's why I tailor naps around avoiding deep sleep. Doctors are still trying to figure out where the fuck they're coming from because they horribly taint my daily experience. Who did you last eat Chinese food with? My mom; she LOVES Chinese. Do you have any plans for the weekend? I HOPE I see Girt... I still haven't given him his anniversary present because of Mom and me getting Covid. I'm just not 100% in the clear yet, and it's annoying me. Do you have a job? No; I'm not in a mental space where I could even dream of maintaining a job.

[rosymystic]

Pahoua, hello 😊 Could you share your experiences as a Sirian starseed? Do you have any memories? Did you awaken yet? I haven't :( I only remember a little bit of my past life as a witch. Idk if that life was Sirian

Hi love! Yes I can! I’ve actually been meaning to share my awakening story for a while now. I think it’s so interesting to know and see how fast everyone is waking up. Thankfully, as we’ve all been asleep for way too long. 

So my spiritual journey started in 2014. It was just right after Saturn had transited my Sun in Scorpio. It was a really really hard time in my life, and I had been depressed for about five years at that point. Then I suddenly took up an interest in Astrology. At first I was just curious, then soon it became kind of an obsession. I loved learning about myself and trying to figure out who I was and why I was the way I was. Astrology is such a great tool for this self discovery. 

I think that want to know who you are and where you come from is really essential to finding your starseed past. I was so confused about my identity as a Hmong Asian American. My roots seemed to go nowhere. I couldn’t find out much history about my Asian ancestry, I felt like an American but wasn’t treated like one. I was just such an outcast. And I’ve always felt like an outcast. And as you may know this is one very common trait of being a starseed. Feeling like you just don’t belong. Feeling homesick, when you’ve never been anywhere but home your entire life. Feeling closer to the stars than to anybody around you.

So that was the first step. Then when you go deeper into astrology, comes the more spiritual stuff. I started learning about Aliens and the Annunaki, and got really deep into the occult stuff. I just found it to be fascinating, I didn’t think any much more of it than that. Then I learned about hybrid children and rainbow and crystal children, along with indigo children and inevitably starseeds. 

I think the moment I realized I was a Sirian starseed was just last year. I had been studying and meditating a lot when everything just clicked. In third grade, we were assigned animals to do a research project on at school, and I was assigned the Orca whale. I remember drawing this beautiful whale on my presentation folder. I fell in love with killer whales and just felt that connection. I didn’t realize it in 3rd grade, but looking back, it was so obvious. 

In 6th grade during a field trip to the zoo, there was this huge tank with a single dolphin. I arrived late to the scene, and my entire class had gathered in front of the tank, trying to see the dolphin. Apparently the dolphin was at the top of the tank in a cave, nobody had seen it yet because it wasn’t coming down. Then as soon as I stepped to the glass, the dolphin zoomed towards us and came right to me. It was literally face to face with me. I was so shocked and everyone was screaming about it but I just had this moment of staring right at this gorgeous creature, before it zoomed off again. 

These are just a few of my memories before I realized I was a Sirian starseed, but it’s just so amazing how we search and search for who we are, and then suddenly, you just realize that you were always who you were all along. 

After I realized and accepted that I was a Sirian starseed, the dreams started coming to me. I dreamed of being on Sirius. I dreamed of the beautiful goddess ISIS. I remember her distinctly looking at me with this warmest smile on her face and said, “Welcome home.” I woke up crying after that dream. Another dream I had on Sirius was just me looking at the moon. We were all gathered outside and I looked up at the moon. It was such a huge and beautiful full moon, unlike anything I’d ever seen before. And there were two moons, a smaller next to the bigger one. I just felt so at home and welcomed. 

After these dreams, I’ve had and still have constant dreams of me swimming with dolphins and whales. Riding on the backs of huge beautiful whales. I had a dream that I was floating in water, and I looked down and just saw a flood of whales and dolphins swimming around me. It’s really funny because I live in the midwest and I’ve never learned to swim before. My whole life I was terrified of water, but in these dreams I was so calm and at peace. I knew these creatures were safe, they were like me. They were even me in a sense. 

TL;DR though: Sirian Starseeds usually have these similar traits -Connection to the color blue-Connection to Whales/Dolphins-Connection to Egypt in some way-Are indigo children/people -Sirian starseeds have this really strong energy. It’s kind of like a soft but strong. Imagine a blue whale in the ocean, and imagine how much power it creates to be able to move all those tons of water just by moving a single fin so so slowly through the water. This is kind of like the energy of Sirius. The wisdom of being so powerful but gentle. 

Woo! That was a long experience post but! It’s always so nice to see fellow starseeds. Of course I am completely biased because I am a Sirian starseed, so I tend to love love lovee this energy. But there are so many other starseeds as well! Pleiadians are extremely beautiful and talented in music and arts, Arcturians are so freakin wise and genius with technology and mathematics. 

A past life as a witch sounds interesting though! I really really recommend meditation and even sleep/dream meditations. Sometimes it’s difficult for our human brains to just allow the strangeness of other worlds into our conscious minds. It helps to be in a completely nonresistant state, like sleeping. 

Let me know you guys’ stories too though! I love seeing fellow starseeds! 

[creideamhgradochas]

Thanks to the lovely @youngmoneymilla for taking the time to answer these! Get to know more about lovely Eliza, go give her a follow and then show her some love!

These questions are from this list. You should check it out, there’s 50 questions all together and they’d be great to ask your favorite fic writer!

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fan-fiction?

13

2) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

I did love writing OC’s because I have a lot of fun with physical description. However, that was when I wasn’t aware of Reader Inserts since I just recently came back into the fanfic world. Reader Inserts are great because I have to work that much harder on giving them a backstory/personality and not focus at all on physical description. Plus, everyone gets to read the work and hopefully find themselves in it. The only thing I hate is being unable to use a name. I can’t write “Y/N” bc it bugs me haha.

3) What is your favorite genre to write for?

Ummm Angst probably? I’m a huge horror fan so, I’m trying to incorporate that into more work.

4) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

“It Would Have Made it True” just because I didn’t really connect with it that much and the ending was rushed.

5) When is your preferred time to write? 

11 am to 10 pm haha. I’m an asshole and write a lot during my job.

6) Where do you take your inspiration from? 

I have about a million fics bookmarked from over the years, literally fics from when I was in high school to now. They’re so gorgeously written and they inspire me to write. I pretty much only read non-fiction outside of fanfic so, that doesn’t really work.

7) What’s your favorite scene that you’ve written?

Bathtub/Bedroom scene in the second part of “Bungalows and Baths”

8) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

Yep. In one fic, I included a descriptive characteristic for the reader that implied she was white. It hadn’t even occurred to me but, I immediately fixed it when someone pointed it out.

9) Who is your favorite character to write for? Why? 

Tossup between Bucky and Steve. Bucky has the very obvious trauma and grief that’s interesting to write about but, Steve has a lot of buried darkness that’s subtle and extremely intriguing.

10) Who is your least favorite character to write for? Why?

Maybe Bruce? I don’t care that much for his character (despite the fact I love Hulk)

11) How do you come up with the titles for your stories? 

A lot of the time, it’s a line that’s said throughout the narrative. However, I have a word doc filled with random quotes I like and I usually throw something together. I always think up the title at the end and it’s always an afterthought. Titles blow.

12) What do you think is the best idea you’ve had for a story so far?

I am currently writing a Bucky x Reader fic (TRYING TO AT LEAST) that is going to take the team to New Orleans. It’s going to involve vampires since I wrote a novella about vampires back in high school and want to re-explore that mythology. However, there is going to be a lot of twists and it won’t be an AU, it’s just introducing the possibility of vampires in the MC universe. The reader and Bucky will both be struggling with the idea of themselves as monsters and trying to help themselves through that. It’s going to be a lot of voodoo and magic and angsty “will they, won’t they”. I’m going off on a tangent now but, that’s the gist. I have not written an actual series in a long time so, this would be my first one.

13) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

There are many half-filled one- page word docs on my desktop that are rotting away as we speak. I just get bored or think of something else.

14) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

I’d love to do more fics with the same reader from Bungalows and Baths.

15) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

Lol I’m actually annoyed with how I ended 6 Times right now. Not sure why.

16) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Omg I admire so many but, here are a few.

@bitsandbobsandstuff – obviously for her “Safe with Me” piece which is fantastic, emotional and well-paced. Pacing/keeping the reader on their toes is the hardest thing for me in a series and so, I really admire her ability to do that. I also LOVED her “A Million Invisible Threads” piece because it’s such a gorgeous character study on the Winter Soldier

@a-splash-of-stucky  – She’s the Queen of Angst duh and a GORGEOUS writer. I love her stuff. A Messed Up Place left me weak.

@imhereforbvcky – Her “Mirror for the Sun” fic inspired me to start writing from Bucky’s POV actually. She’s just a beautiful writer.

@tilltheendwilliwrite – I love everything she writes. I love all the mythology she brings to her fics while still staying within the Avengers universe. Her smut is on another level, too. I find myself rereading her stuff again and again.

17) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

Here and there. There are definitely moments in a fic where I think why did I keep that. It’s usually because I ended it too quickly or just wanted it over.

18) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence? 

I love music when I write fics. It’s all movie scores. I have a spotify playlist for it.

19) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

I’ve cried (ish) when writing anything that has to do with alcohol/substance abuse. I’ve been in and out of AA for the past two years and have finally started recovery again. I also have depression so, writing about that can leave me raw. Writing truly always helps though.

20) Which part of your fics have been the hardest to write?

SMUT. Jesus Christ. I struggle so hard with making smut sound hot, as well as lyrical so, it can fit with the narrative. I don’t want to reuse anything I’ve used in other fics before or repeat words but, it’s SO hard (pardon the pun). I always forget what position they’re in and where the body parts need to go. It’s legitimately why I have yet to write a Stucky x Reader fic. I can’t introduce another person into my difficult SMUT journey.

21) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow? 

I usually have a general idea and I’ll have a very vague outline going. I just write everything out like word vomit and go back and edit.

22) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fan-fiction? 

That some of the best stories I’ve read aren’t necessarily the ones with the most likes or comments. I stumble upon stuff and wonder “HOW DOES THIS NOT HAVE 2K LIKES”.

23) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

That’s tough. Maybe the stuff I wrote in the beginning where I didn’t have many followers. I loved the concept of “You Don’t Mean for it to Happen” but, sometimes I want to rewrite the whole thing. I put a lot of myself into “I Think of You All the Time” but, I feel like that got some good traction. IDK.  Bungalows and Baths got a crazy amount of love. Did not expect that but, v grateful.

24) In contrast to 23 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at? 

Nope. I appreciate any love haha.

25) Are any of your characters based on real people?

Well, I think it goes without saying that every reader character has a little bit of the author in there. I think I pull from some of my friends but, not really.

26) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten? 

Someone once said that their soul was marked by “Bungalows and Baths” which was amazing haha.

27) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

I haven’t really gotten criticism other than that time I screwed up on including a feature for a white reader. I felt terrible about that.

28) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

Not really. I don’t have people to share them with haha.

29) Do people know you write fan-fiction?

My best friend knows but, she doesn’t read fanfic. Shockingly, my mom and sister know but, I told them that they could never read them. I just share reviews with them. My mom likes to know that I’m staying creative.

30) What’s you favorite minor character you’ve written? 

Oh jeez idk if I have one. Natasha isn’t considered a minor character but, she usually plays a side character in my stories and she’s fun to write for.

31) What spurs you on during the writing process?

Once I get started, I’m usually good at keeping it going. Music helps.

32) What’s your favorite trope to write?

Probably slow burn romance or one of the lovers is injured/captured. I also am a huge sucker for love triangles because I’m greedy AF.

33) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

Lawl this might not have been the first one but, I read a Lizzie Mcguire SMUT piece when I was maybe in 6th grade and was severely chilled to the bone. I was trash even at 12.

34) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Angst. I always write better when I’m emotionally distraught and tortured. Although as I get older, I realize this isn’t fabulous for my own mental health.

[stardusstt]

1-10 😚

1. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is. I am single at the moment, and i actually really love it. I like having time for me and my friends and not having to worry about a guy. I like having crushes on guys and not having to be like “uh oh i like this other guy a little whoops” maybe i just had a horrible demonic presence as a bf but idk lol.

2 .Where you’d like to be in 10 years. in ten years ill be 30 lmao and honestly don’t wanna think about that. but hopefully ill have a good job? lol i want to live in california

3. Your views on drugs and alcohol.  i used to be a total stick in the ass (is that an expression) about drugs and alcohol, but now idc. I smoke weed socially and drink all the time. But like it opens your mind to other things, like i feel so much more comfortable with myself. I feel like i can talk freely about anything to anyone.

4. Your views on religion.  since my dad died i haven’t been very religious, even before then we never went to church. It was just always a thing, like God is there. and I’m not blaming my beliefs on the fact that my dad died, i know it has no real correlation. religion has never played a huge role in my life, and when my dad died i feel like any of what i had got thrown out the window, i started making bad decisions and coped in all the wrong ways, but I’ve made it through that. I really don’t know what i believe in, but i will never push anyones beliefs away, I’m open to them, if that makes any bit of sense.

5.  A time you thought about ending your own life. theres actually been quite a few times, mostly in my past. its funny i used to think i wanted to kill myself because my dad died, but now i realize it was what happened after that that made me feel that way. i mean i was already suffering from depression and then this kid keeps telling you “everyone dies, death is okay its okay to want to kill yourself or hurt yourself” and then manipulate me into doing promiscuous things in school (MIDDLE FUCKING SCHOOL) and make you give up the music you love because “you love them more than me, go suck his dick” (hmmm gladly) oh not to forget, calls you a slut and a whore for having a normal connection with a teacher, (mind you in front of said teacher). so yeah all those things drove me to want to kill myself, But recently any of the times I’ve felt that way, its been resolved rather quickly because now i have music in my life again, and music calms me more than anything.

6. Write 30 interesting facts about yourself. ohmygod this post is already soooo long lol, but honestly i really like getting my thoughts out like this no offense lol, even if no one reads it i still feel like I’m getting shit out in the open! 1.i lost my virginity when i was 13 2. i have two middle names; Patricia, Grace. . 3. the first celebrity i ever met was Bret Michaels 4. my favorite band is Guns N’ Roses and honestly don’t know what id do without that band in my life 5. i get angry really easily sometimes over the stupidest things 6. I’m into older men (if it wasn’t obvious to tell) 7. the day Prince died i had to leave school early because i was crying so much, and honestly have not gotten over it 8. ive been best friends w the most amazing bitch since 5th grade (thats like 10 years!!!) 9. i used to have a celeb crush on jim carrey lmao 10. ive never sang (like real singing) in front of anyone 11. i met slash at the milwaukee airport lol 12. i work at a party city and honestly with some of the greatest people i think ill ever meet 13. i have a bondage and daddy kink 14. i used to be a rebel without a cause, kind of a bitch and totally inappropriate at school 15. i had/ve a major crush on my high school teacher (who in my defense used to be a model for ralph lauren, and loved Poison sooooo uhhh) 16. i have major trust issues 17. i want to be a stripper 18. i love nascar and have since i was really little 19. i used to be terrified of tornadoes and even when it rained  a little i would have a full on panic attack 20. I’m getting a pet snake FINALLY 21. i have at least 6 different styles in the way i dress 22. ive been obsessed with the 80s since i was like in 6th grade 23. i have a theory that David Bowie isn’t of Earth 24. I’ve had a paranormal experience 25. i love christmas 26. i go to a lot of concerts alone 27. i loved the song Darling Nikki so much when i was younger, my mom had to beg me not to tell people lmao 28. when i saw Poison live, i cried during Talk Dirty To Me lol 29. i love driving and listening to my music 30. i love marvel and the mcu, and its like one of the things I’m most passionate about (I’m a dork) 

7. Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality. I’m a scorpio but since i was born on the 24th of october I’m a cusp w libra. I think that these signs reflect me very well, more so for scorpio obvi. but over time I’ve read that scorpios don’t really feel open about talking about certain things, they have trust issues, extremely sexual, jealous/possessive, they connect deeply… which are all things that really remind me of myself. I’ve been into astrology for as long as i can remember, so its a big deal to me lol.

8. A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life probably when i went to milwaukee, i did it alone, i paid for everything i went on a plane for the first time went to a hotel went in an uber lol all by myself. i really truly felt so amazing there, like nothing was stopping me and like if i can do this i can some day live in california on my own. its definitely one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life, not to mention, doing it all to see my favorite band from the fucking third row.

9. How you hope your future will be like i don’t like realistically thinking about the future, because i don’t really know what i want yet. but i guess i want to be in california with a steady income.

10. Discuss your first love and first kiss. my first love was Prince, when i listened to him it felt like i was hearing music for the first time, it was so unique to me. my first kiss was a drag tbh lol

thanks so much for asking dude, love ya! 💖💋

[beakybirdsong]

Discovering Myself, an Abbreviated History

Happy 6th month anniversary, HRT! In its honor (and in honor of Jen's Coming Out Fest 2017), I'm going to recount what I can about my story of discovering my gender identity and the life that led up to where I am today.

So it all started when I was born. Haha. But really. I was born into an extremely religious family on both ends, particularly my mom’s Roman Catholic side, so right out of the starting gate I was indoctrinated with this idea that “the gays” are bad, or taboo at best. Something to be avoided and to not be. Though to be perfectly honest, it stretched way past that in my family setting. Being different in any way seemed bad. My three siblings and I would get teased somewhat relentlessly by our parents any time we tried something new that didn’t fit into their idea of a Bright Future or Correct Parenting. And to be fair, I can't even remember a time from my childhood where I tried something new - that’s how ingrained this idea was from the get-go. So the first 18 years of my life (at least) quickly just became a test of how well I could go through the motions. Thinking was used for homework, and having fun was used on video games, because it was the easiest way to escape or at least tune out the ever present call to be perfect instead.

Did I mention I went to Catholic school pretty much my whole life? It probably seems obvious in hindsight, and it makes it easier to believe that I didn’t even know what the heck transgender even was before I had school out of my system.

After a lot of big struggles with college, dropping out initially in Winter 2010 and spending the next few years crawling towards an AA degree in community college (because it’s a degree! I NEED a degree!) I had finally realized with the help of a lifelong friend that hey, maybe feeling viewed as an investment and locking yourself in your room your whole life is a little fucked up? So I moved. I moved in with Alex, on entirely opposite coasts. And for once in my life, devoid of any schooling and parenting (and with the help of an incredibly giving, incredibly stubborn Alex to yank the 3DS out of my hands) I began to sort of form this idea of myself. I branched out in interests, built my own value system from the ground up, and started growing for once in my goddamned life. And it was hard! Imagine starting life over in third grade, except you're not in third grade, you've got bills and shit to pay but you never made mistakes and learned about yourself the way most folks do when they're young, or when they're teens even. Hopefully, the scene is set by now. I had a rough childhood. Not the roughest by far, I’m sure, but enough to be sort of depressed and very much closed off. And I was just sort of coming into myself.

So in the midst of all this in early Spring or so of 2015, Alex, with his punk rock hair style, bought a long auburn wig for his job interviews. And just for fun, he said I should try it on! Normally something I'd be uncomfortable about, considering my upbringing, but I was starting to come out of my shell and grow a little bit, and it would only be for a second, so why not?

Seeing myself in the mirror that day was, to that day and perhaps even now, the happiest I had ever been in my life.

It was like a switch had been flipped. Well, two switches. One was happiness, which up until then had several layers of dust and cobwebs caked over top of it, and the other was a new bit of circuitry that said “hey dingus, maybe you're not a guy.”

And so I thought about it. I thought about it for a long-ass time. I thought about how certain subtle clues from my childhood, how tiny moments that no one else would bother remembering because it wasn't them seemed to point in that direction. I second guessed myself, and third guessed. Then I walked around work thinking about the future, thinking about how my body would look then, and I was elated. Then I fourth guessed and hemmed and hawed to the nth degree. Because this was new! It was a shocker! I was never “supposed to be” anything but a straight cis dude. And so publicly I stayed hidden under that guise for the next two years until, well, literally today.

But I imagine it’s the same for everyone in the LGBT+ community: Once you make that connection, and have that revelation, you can fight it as much as your little heart desires, but you can't change it. And you'll feel so much better if you stop trying so hard. In the words of Nomi Marks, played by transgender actress Jamie Clayton:

“The real violence, the violence I realized was unforgivable, is the violence that we do to ourselves, when we're too afraid to be who we really are.”

And so today, I choose to be proud of who I am. Hey world! It's Jen.

[concentrateonlife]

This is a story of personal loss and partial triumph. The beginnings are humble enough. My Father a truck driver for a produce company. My Mom was a stay at home Mom. Two brothers, one 11 month younger and the other 4 years. I used to love spending time with my father, brother and uncle. Fishing, camping, you know, the usual outside activities. Used to ride all over in my rural small time riding my bike, climbing the big tree in front of the house. I was about 4 when my big brother was diagnosed with cancer. Around the same time my father had damaged his back in an accident at work the left him unable to work and on pain killers. We relocated to Palo Alto for a couple of years in temporary housing at the Ronald McDonald House. That way we could be close to the hospital where my big brother was getting the chemotherapy. He lost all his hair, was over weight and depressed. Being that I was so young, he never showed this side of him to me. So much so that I didn't even know the severity of the situation my elder brother was in, I didn't know what cancer really was.. We were there for a couple of years and finally he was in remission. We were all very relieved. The worst was behind my family, we hoped it was anyway. We move to a bigger town slightly closer to Palo Alto. Made friends with the neighborhood boys after a while of living in the new town. These were strong bonds, a few I still hold close a dear to my heart. It wasnt long after we moved there. One day my little brother fell off his bike, his leg was injured and wouldn't stop causing him pain. Eventually the diagnostics were performed and they determined he had some type of bone cancer in his leg. Best course of action was to amputate. The procedure, what they ended up doing was cutting his leg in two spots and reattaching his bottom half higher up to eliminate the cancer and the ankle becoming the knee to help with his prosthetic therapy. The surgery was a success, they did chemotherapy to be sure there were no more cancerous cells with in. They also installed Hickman Catheter. He did extremely well, he was almost in remission. One day we were at home and he came down with a fever. We waited one day and then the next day I returned from school to find my mom and brother gone. I still was unaware of the situation until I was pulled out of my 6th grade homeroom class. My Father picked me up with family and were raced toward Palo Alto. When we arrived my brother was in a coma. Breathing tubes and everything. I later found out he had flat lined, stopped breathing on the way up to the hospital. Oxygen wasn't getting to his brain... We waited a couple of days, there was no sign of brain activity. My Mom made the call to pull the plug and nobody argued with her. Turned out he had a infection in is Hickman... He was scheduled to have it removed in 2 weeks........ I watched my brothers final breath in this world. It wasn't years later that I realized how much of a good human being he was, how much better of a human being he was than me. How strong of a individual he was. I've sit up at night in the dark wishing it was me instead of him. He deserved life more than me because I knew he wouldn't of squandered it.... like my family did.... As you can imagine, the death of a sibling at this young of a age had devastating effects on my family. He was 12 years old. My Father was already a borderline alcoholic mixed with the pain pills. My Mom and brother both got addicted to meth. My Mom started for obvious reasons, escape, numbing. My brother got new friends. They lived the drugs my brother had.. He wanted to make up for lost time battling cancer. Not to mention him coming to terms/realization that he was gay. I slowly learned of that because his porno mags changed from straight to gay...he started doing drugs with his new "friends " Eventually we were evicted from our house. After that we never had a home for very long. We were white trash as far as everyone could tell. Alcholics and druggies, the scars of our past clear as day and on the surface. We stayed in a tent in my grandma's back yard for a year had a 104 degree temp in the winter. It was really cold, how could you wake up in the morning and go to school? To a school where you there wasn't a soul you know... I couldn't do it. Never got to see my friends, hardly ever. Most if us, we grew apart. Lived in a garage for a while. One day I went to Reno to get away with my friends family. Had a great time, when I returned we had a apartment. I had a room. It had a cockroach infestation but it was still home. Dispite my mom bringing her deadbeat druggie friends late at night and my father being a drunk. I became a introvert. Gaming mostly and staying in my room away from them. My brother was in jail for the 3rd strike rule but eventual released and when he was out i didn't recognize him. Because he looked the a she... dressed in drag. It wasn't long before I turned 18 and moved out to my grandma's so I could go to college and get away. I was at a coffee shop with my friends when I got a call, my father was going to the hospital. They told me it was serious. I got on my bike a rode fast towards the local hospital. Got around the block from it and then got another call. He was pronounced dead on the scene. 55 years old.... 3 of 5 remain of my family. Health complications were the cause of death.... I despised my older brother, here he is throwing away something my little brother never had but wanted so badly. He spent his lift doing drugs, selling them and getting high. Those so called friends never stuck around for the end... You see, the chemotherapy fucked with his heart. He was never the same and with the years of abuse it received from the drug use he needed another. But drug addicts don't get heart transplants.... He had plenty of warning from doctors and me alike. Guess it's not easy to quit when your mom blows smoke in your face. Knew when he got out of prison he would go back to his ways because my mom still continued to do meth I the house. I would he what was going to happen. She didn't listen. Maybe I wasn't the favorite, who knows.... My older brother died in 2016, i had lost my job because of my health. It was not a great year for anyone. I knew what it looked like but I watched my brothers final breaths in the world, similar to my little brother over a decade before this day....it was slow, labored breathing. It was so hard to watch. 2 of 5 remain. Now my mom refuses to get clean... She still does meth.. is homeless and would rather be like that... One day I'll get a phone call saying she's died mist likely. I don't want to hope for something that won't happen.... So basically I'm the only one of my immediate family still really alive. Both my brothers (Cancer related), my father(alcholism) and my mother basically lost to meth.... This is my story, idk if it will help. This is my life, no filter. If you find yourself in a dark place just know people know what it's like. You have value strength. There is a reason for you to be here no matter how bad things are. I have every reason to give up but i never will. Im here because there are others who wanted more time on this earth and were robbed of it. I'm here because other choose to squander their existence and spend their time not experiencing life in all its fucked/awesome glory because their cowards. I have every reason to do this but never will no matter how bad things get.