#like its a good message to hammer down in the bullying problem of the show while also showing how far gone Max is with his delusion of power

[thewhizzyhead]

WAIT I WANNA BRING UP ANOTHER THING ABOUT HOW BULLYING IS ADDRESSED IN NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE. one thing I really liked about how Max is shown as a bully is his talk with Pete at the Pasqualli's parking lot. When Pete tries to stand up to Max, Max pushes him down and emphasizes that Pete isn't a loser because of his own qualities - rather, Pete is a loser because Max simply said so.

Of course we can attribute this to Max's god complex but I think that this point in particular is less than often really brought up in teen-centered media featuring bullying: that bullying exists not because of nerdy behavior or whatever the fuck, but because bullies will it into being. And to have a BULLY of all people say that out loud - to have the main villain point out the root of their behavior without showing any kind of shame whatsoever - showcases just how much of a menace Max is.

[dtrhwithalex]

TV | Leverage (Season 1, Rewatch)

Rewatch of the first season of TNT's LEVERAGE (2008-2012), created by John Rogers and Chris Downey together with Dean Devlin and his production company Electric Entertainment.

In anticipation of the show's reboot / revival / sequel LEVERAGE: REDEMPTION coming to IMDbTV on 09 July this year, I am rewatching the original 77 episodes and writing about my favourite moments and things from each episode, season by season.

(Just a note, this first season was aired out of order, so the dates won't actually form a chronology, since I'm going with the intended order rather than the one they were aired in.)

101: THE NIGERIAN JOB

D: DEAN DEVLIN. W: JOHN ROGERS & CHRIS DOWNEY. Original Air Date: 07 December 2008.

I have lost count of how many times I have seen this episode (or any episodes of this show to be completely honest), but it holds up every single time. It is one of my favourite, if not the favourite TV pilot episode I have ever seen.

The way this pilot sets up who the main characters are and what the core of this show is, is simply perfect. The introduction of Nate at the bar being approached by Dubenich, then the intercut between him convincing Nate to do the job and the actual job happening -- just wonderful. The same goes for the individual introductions of the other players. Nate's comment about Parker ("no, but Parker is insane") which plants a thread for the rest of the show already, the flashbacks of each character to exemplify who they and what their talents are, combined with the episode then showing you those talents and what Nate can do with them -- which is, of course, his talent -- sets up this whole show so well.

So many seeds that come to fruition throughout the show are already planted right here. Nate's mentoring of Parker to become his eventual successor as Mastermind ("Haircuts, Parker, count the haircuts" -- "I would've missed that"), Eliot's role as protector, the iconic overhead shots and the gloating, the alternate revenue streams, "Hardison dies in Plan M" -- it's all already right here in this episode. A brilliant piece of writing. Hats off to Rogers and Downey, no questions asked.

Rewatching this episode made me think of what this show is about, in its essence. Yes, it is about standing up for those who can't do so themselves, taking on the bigger bad, showing how corrupt and terrible the world can be, but also how much good there is to still find in the world. But also, this show is about a lonely man being actively bullied into the family he didn't know he needed or wanted, but will eventually come to realise is the one thing, the only thing that is keeping him alive. LEVERAGE is the story of a man and his crusade to avenge the death of his child, but is is very much also the story of a man who finds a reason to keep getting up every morning in the four people who are on this crusade with him. And this pilot episode already holds the seed and the potential of all of that. And that is why this show is to this day still my favourite show of all time, because it is utterly perfect in every way.

102: THE HOMECOMING JOB

D: DEAN DEVLIN. W: JOHN ROGERS. Original Air Date: 09 December 2008.

I absolutely love how John Rogers was like okay first episode, some greedy asshole who does whatever he wants for his own gain, we'll take him down a notch. Episode two? Hmm, oh yeah, the government is completely corrupt, filled with rich greedy assholes who do whatever they want for their own gain and always get away with it. Not on my watch (I love him very much, thank you).

This episode, once again, so good. The re-introduction of every character in this new reality of Nate's crusade is just as brilliantly done as the original introduction of them all. Sophie at an audition (love the John Rogers cameo here) completely butchering it once again, Eliot beating up some thug, Parker stealing valuable art, and Hardison doing what he does best: creating a beautiful office-slash-home space for the team, putting his all into their backstories, the equipment, the behind-the-scenes workings of what they need to get the job done. My man.

The message of this particular episode is also just something I am very fond of. The rehab facility doctor's words in the beginning, and then in the end again -- "people don't just show up to help. that's not the way the world works" -- as well as Nate's ultimate answer to her, "so change the world." That right here is the message of this show. It's already right here, all up in your face, episode two.

I completely adore what this episode does for the character dynamics already. The detail Hardison puts into the other's backstories, the interactions around the conference table, Eliot sharing his knowledge, Nate explaining the money laundering scam, the whole thing about laws being in a wooden box, Sophie elaborating why she knew Congressman Jenkins was lying to her -- they don't just work together, they already start giving the others insight into their talents and their knowledge and share that. It's beautiful. I especially adore the shot of them at the end, everyone leaning against the car while watching Corporal Perry and the other veterans debating what to do with the money. They are already so comfortable and at ease with each other, leaning into each other's spaces. They're family. You can see it here already.

Absolutely fantastic episode. For a long time, whenever I thought about The Homecoming Job, I somehow associated a more negative emotion with it than with other episodes, but I don't quite know why, because this is a brilliant episode and I love watching it.

103: THE WEDDING JOB

D: JONATHAN FRAKES. W: CHRIS DOWNEY. Original Air Date: 13 January 2009.

We love Jonathan Frakes in this house and every single time his name shows up with the director tag on this show, I know that I will enjoy every last second of the episode I am about to watch. Frakes directed the hell outta this thing. The Wedding Job is an absolutely excellent episode. Dan Lauria as our main baddie Nicky Moscone is perfect casting and there are so many great comedic beats in the scenes with him and Nate. Everyone, generally, is so weirded out by Priest!Nate, but Moscone just takes the weirdness in stride. This episode holds a very special place in my heart because it contains the introduction of my favourite FBI duo -- McSweeten (McSweetheart, as we call him) and Taggert. I adore these two bumbling fools so much, and I am so glad they kept being brought back, because they are both just so lovely. McSweetheart especially is very dear to me because of the D.B. Cooper Job from the last season (where, I ask, do I start my McSweetheart for Leverage: Redemption campaign?). Overall just such an excellent episode, really. So many great moments between our main characters--Sophie and Nate and their little "relationship" problem, Hardison and Eliot talking about marriage, Parker pretending she was waiting in the screening room to have sex with Hardison, Hardison appreciating Eliot's cooking. I also absolutely adore the beginning, the four of them convincing Nate that Teresa is definitely the type of client they take on. And Nate's resigned "Yeah, okay, yeah. Let's go rob Nicky Moscone. A guy who kills people and lives in our city. Yeah, let's go do that" as if they weren't going to go above and beyond any of that in the five years they will spend together on this crusade of his. You're so precious, Nathan. Of course, the ending of this episode is beyond brilliant, and lives both in my heart and my head rent free. It is such a magnificent found family moment. Getting Teresa the restaurant back, the news footage regarding Ray's appeal, and of course, Eliot cooking for them all, and them celebrating together, all of them. It is such a beautiful moment.

104: THE SNOW JOB

D: TONY BILL. W: ALBERT KIM. Original Air Date: 27 January 2009.

I adore what the client says to Nate in the beginning of the episode: "You work hard, you play by the rules, but when you need help, you really need help? They let you hang. They let you hang and it's your kid who pays the price." This show hammers home its message so many times in such great character moments and it makes watching these brilliant people take on these greedy bastards and robbing them for all they've got that much sweeter. It is such a satisfying thing to watch. Especially because they're all so damn good at this.

This is a great episode but it is infinitely funnier if you know and speak German, because it makes the scenes between Sophie and Eliot absolutely hysterical. And the delivery of the line that Ute Ausgartner says when she discovers they replaced her with Sophie is just wrong enough to crack you up.

Again some wonderfully brilliant comedic beats -- the Frakes cameo in the hospital waiting room, Parker casually hanging off the ski lift, Hardison and Eliot arguing over who puts dye in the dead body, Eliot carrying off a pissed of Parker, and so many more.

This episode also, for the first time, really gives insight into Nate's drinking problem. We had the one moment in The Homecoming Job, but this episode starts to explore it more in depths. And something that I've always appreciated about this show is that it never glorifies the drinking, but Nate is also never vilified for it. It is a fact of Nate's life and they explore different aspects of it, and everything is done with such care (which does not surprise me one bit since this is John Rogers' show).

The ending of this episode is also, once again, so beautiful and nicely done. It is just so incredibly satisfying to watch these greedy bastards get what's coming to them, and to see the clients be compensated beyond anything they'd ask for.

105: THE MILE HIGH JOB

D: ROB MINKOFF. W: AMY BERG. Original Air Date: 20 January 2009.

Another fantastic episode (you will realise that I will say this about every single of the 77 episodes this show has)! Amy Berg wrote some excellent stuff for this show, and this episode is one of them. Always a lot of great character relationship moments, and absolutely brilliant comedic beats.

I am very fond of the fact that here, in the early days, we have the whole team present around the table during the client meeting. We see all their reactions and inputs here already, and not later when Nate or Hardison (usually) relays the information of their next job to the rest of the gang. It's a very lovely moment.

I am also very fond of the entire recon bit at the GenoGrow office. Sophie's French rave-girl act, the others having to climb stairs, Hardison's absence, the cut from Parker's bomb to the microwave at the HQ, Nate, Eliot and Parker yelling "Oh it's right behind us, it's chasing us!" and grabbing Sophie on the way out, meanwhile the security guys completely buying it. Absolutely brilliant, all the way through.

Both Hardison's adventure at GenoGrow as well as the others on the plane contain so many great comedic moments. Hardison's Spanish maintenance guy act, his interactions with both Cheryl and Steve (talking into the cupboard? His fake meeting and getting Steve to take a dive? The whole birthday thing? A+ all around. Amy Berg, everyone) and of course the reaction he has to the plane safely landing on the highway ("lord I was so scared, I wanna cry and call my momma" I love him so much, y'all). I also have big feelings about Nate's pep talk to Hardison, "you can do this, I trust you ... the only guy I can count on in a situation like this." Sir, I am experiencing an emotion alright.

The sequences on the plane are of course also absolutely fantastic. Nate and Sophie's domestic, Parker's day job and her interactions with Marissa, Eliot being a big softie who holds Marissa's hand all the way up to the in-flight bar and hugs the woman he sat down next to when they safely land (womaniser, big softie. tomayto, tomahto). Also big shoutout to the fake names Nate and Sophie have. We love our DOCTOR WHO references in this show. I love these nerds very much, thank you.

106: THE TWO HORSE JOB

D: CRAIG R. BAXLEY. W: MELISSA GLENN & JESSICA RIEDER (GRASL). Original Air Date: 16 December 2008.

This episode also holds a very special place in my heart because it contains the introduction of our dearly beloved antagonist, Mr Jim Sterling, the absolutely amazing Mark Sheppard. We love Sterling in this house, yessir (again, where do I have to address my Jim Sterling For Leverage: Redemption campaign to?). Every moment he is in is fantastic, but I especially adore the conversation he has with Nate at the race track (especially the "Nathan Ford is a common criminal" -- "Common. That's just hurtful" bit of it).

This, of course, is an episode by our wonder twins, Glenn and Rieder (now Grasl), which they ended up naming the in-universe safe company after. Always fantastic work when the two of them are involved. Some amazing character moments again here.

We get to see some of Eliot's backstory with Aimee which in turn gives us two fantastic moments with him and the women of the team. I love his interaction with Sophie at the racetrack: "I like Aimee, I do. I mean it, I like you both, Eliot. I just, I don't know what comes of chasing the past, you know." -- "Well Sophie, sweetie, I don't think you and Nate get to serve me that particular meal." Just fantastic moment between these two, who I like to call The Conference of Mom Friends whenever they are in scenes together. The other interaction is with Parker in the car: "We need you to do this. I need you to do this." I adore Eliot and Parker's relationship and this already is a very early glimpse at the dynamic they develop which will eventually lead to beautiful moments like that in the ice cave in The Long Way Down Job in season four.

I also love how it is Hardison and Parker's discussion about horses that ultimately reminds Nate of the Lost Heir con. Aldis' delivery of "Wilbur loved Mr Ed! He loved him like a second cousin twice removed" is absolutely brilliant. Unsurprisingly, however, my favourite interaction of this episode is the one Eliot has with Aimee at the end: "You're never gonna be the kind to settle down, but I'm glad you found a family." -- "Th-those guys?" Yes, Eliot, those guys. You might not know it just yet, but that is absolutely your family, and the fact that an outsider already comments on it this early is simply perfect. My deepest gratitude to you, wonder twins.

107: THE BANK SHOT JOB

D: DEAN DEVLIN. W: AMY BERG. Original Air Date: 30 December 2008.

Amy Berg on the typewriter once again (typewriter? Alex what are you talking about this was 2008...)! I really like this episode a whole lot. An excellent one for Nate/Sophie, as well as Hardison/Parker. I have a huge soft spot for my crime children pretending to be law enforcement. Any combination of them is good, but Parker and Hardison as FBI agents especially is just exquisite.

This episode is also just fantastic for illustrating some of the small town criminal activity that happens from the top down. Judge Roy's entire bit about how "these little people" will do and say whatever he tells them to do and that, because he is the law in the town, he gets to decide what is actually true and what is not. To then have Hardison fake security footage and them turning the story against Judge Roy is of course poetic justice. I adore the moment when the bank manager Frank decides that sticking with the false facts these random people have come up with is the better choice than having the judge remain in charge.

I also really love the interaction Derrick has with Sophie and then later with Parker, as well as the moment of uncertainty in-between. His "I don't know what to do with that" when Sophie tells him she's a thief is so funny and so good. The turn of "but they're criminals....then again" when he looks out of the window on the way to Parker is also just a nice moment to illustrate exactly what Parker then later says, "sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get." Ethics and justice are such muddy concepts and especially in situations like Derrick is currently in, there is no way of knowing who is actually good, who is bad, and who is just trying their best. It is a lovely moment and once again, one of those great instances of "important message within character moment" that this show does so well.

Of course, I am also very fond of Hardison's mention of DOCTOR WHO, his "Geek power baby, stay strong" line, Eliot's fight scene with the crack dealers ("stay in the car!"), Hardison's bullshitting the demands at the bank (Hall & Oates!) and, of course, last but not least, the return of my favourite FBI fools, McSweetheart and Taggert, getting yet another win laid in their lap by the Leverage crew. This episode is filled to the brim with greatness.

108: THE MIRACLE JOB

D: ARVIN BROWN. W: CHRISTINE BOYLAN. Original Air Date: 23 December 2008.

An absolutely excellent Nate-centric episode! We finally get a bit more of a view into Nate's past, aside from the ever-present flashback to Sam's death at the hospital. I really like the relationship of Nate and Father Paul, which I think is very interesting and so well done. Through Paul we get another side of Nate, which may have stayed hidden otherwise. I am also very fond of how Maggie is introduced here. She doesn't get a voice yet, but we learn about her through Nate, Sophie and also Paul, and I quite like that. It sets up expectations for her appearance in the finale, which is really intriguing.

This episode has so many great comedic beats as well, and I barely even know where to begin. From the team's inability to deal with Sophie's acting talents (or lack thereof) to the whole "It's not Santa" gag, the amazing faces Sophie pulls when the mark tells her about Bibletopia, Hardison's "God will smite us" thing -- there is just too much good stuff in this episode.

One of my favourite interactions in this episode was on the construction site, after Grant takes what he thinks are his meds.

Sophie: What is that you just took? Grant: Xanax. For my nerves. Parker: Actually caffeine. With a dash of dextroamphetamine. Eliot: You have him speed? Hardison, shrugging: He beat up a priest!

The look Eliot gives them then with a half-shrug, an expression which cannot be described as anything but "aight, fair enough" -- just absolutely excellent.

What I also really loved about this episode, is that we get to see more of the HQ than just the conference room. We have the team meeting in Nate's office, we see Sophie picking through her mail, Hardison making space so he can build fake Saint Nick statues. Added to that, the team is setting into such a nice familiarity with each other. Eliot brings Sophie a cup of coffee to the meeting in Nate's office. The fact that they all do get mail at the office. This is their space. I love it so much.

What this episode also gives us, is a first instance of the con possibly going side-ways because of how convincing it is. I adore that their possible downfall will never be incompetence, but rather over-competence. They are so good at what they do that sometimes their talent comes to bite them in the ass. We see this again, a bit different, in The Juror #6 Job.

The ending of this episode is very dear to me. It is a very lovely moment between Nate and Paul, but also Nate and the team. It creates such a beautiful moment of intimacy between these characters, which I think is done with extreme care, and it shows. This episode also very nicely sets up a nice sort of grounded-ness for the next episode, which I think the subject matter really deserves and needs.

109: THE STORK JOB

D: MARC ROSKIN. W: ALBERT KIM. Original Air Date: 06 January 2009.

This one and the next episode are excellent Parker-centric plots and this one in particular also has some wonderful Parker/Hardison content. Nate, also, is just very good in this episode as well. Keeping the tone the last episode established especially toward the end, this episode has such a nice grounded-ness to it. Nate's first meeting with the client is so careful in a way, and we don't always see that. Generally, Nate is careful and considerate in this episode, I think. Even when Parker goes rogue, he is so good with Parker (I attribute the brashness entirely to his director role here). It meant so much that he doesn't shoot down the idea of coming back for the other orphans, he knows how important this is to Parker (and Hardison).

With this episode we learn that both Parker and Hardison have grown up in the foster system. I really adore the conversation they have at the van after they find out about the orphanage -- Hardison telling Parker about his Nana, Parker's fear that foster system will be cruel to those children, Hardison's "I like how you turned out" -- it is such a lovely and meaningful moment. This and the "we're a team" / "a little more than a team" moments are such great instances that highlight the importance of these characters and their relationships in this show. It isn't just some crime procedural where every characters is replaceable at any given moment -- this show is about people, and about these specific people.

On a lighter note, I also really adore Nate and Sophie's dynamic in this. How they coach Parker and Eliot individually but at the same time, while also arguing about Sophie conning Nate back in the day, is just brilliant. Their "delightful banter" as Hardison calls it, is so good, and I absolutely love that Nate figures out the way to con Irina is the same way he would have to con Sophie. It's just too good.

David S. Lee as Nicholas is also incredibly good, although since watching THE LIBRARIANS I always expect him to swoon over a blonde and call her Duchess any minute.

110: THE JUROR #6 JOB

D: JONATHAN FRAKES. W: REBECCA KIRSCH. Original Air Date: 10 February 2009.

The lighter of the two Parker-centric episodes, but a brilliant one nonetheless. This episode also brings us the introduction of Peggy played by the lovely Lisa Schurga. We love Peggy in this house and, once again, I ask: where do I address my Peggy For Leverage: Redemption campaign to?

This episode is great for many different reasons, one of course being that Hardison is so good at what he does, that Parker's alias has to go to jury duty. What a talent, we absolutely have no choice but to stan. I love him so much. Other fantastic things that make this episode absolutely excellent are

- Nate's "there is not some evil conspiracy lurking behind the curtain of every routine civic activity" speech which he then has to retract,

- Sophie teaching Parker about persuasion with the help of Eliot who is absolutely precious in this interaction,

- Eliot's friend Donnie, who poses as another employee from the company Sophie pretends to be from, who then turns out to be Scottish,

- Nate and Sophie sending the kids off to work at the door, with a briefcase and handshake for Hardison and a snack and high-five for Parker,

and Hardison's entire act as a lawyer. He is so good. Of course his stalling is brilliant, but the turn-around once he has to actually try and win the trial? A masterpiece. I love how he tears the doctor apart for his drunken airplane misconducts, but what takes the cake by miles is of course his closing statement. He is just, so good, and such a goodhearted, wonderful person. I love how he directly addressed Parker. Hardison is full of sunshine and I love. him. so. much.

And I would be remiss not to mention how incredibly fond I am of the rest of the team watching the feed of the jury room from the HQ with such proud looks on their faces as Parker leads the other jury members and they vote in favour of the plaintiff. This is their girl and she's done so well. What a brilliant episode. My love to Becky Kirsch, honestly.

111: THE 12-STEP JOB

D: ROD HARDY. W: AMY BERG & CHRIS DOWNEY. Original Air Date: 03 February 2009.

Another episode, another instance of me asking the question: Where do I address my Hurley for Leverage: Redemption campaign to? We love Hurley! Drew Powell is absolutely fantastic, I adore him. Also huge shoutout to Joseph LoDuca for that absolute banger of a song that plays during the intro and the credits.

This episode has some fantastic Eliot/Hardison moments that are very dear to me. The two of them looking for Hurley and fighting over Hardison's slushy spill is just lovely. The whole car bomb sequence is also just completely brilliant. It's such a step in their relationship and I love it so much. The moment of "D'you want me to kick it?" / "God, I'm gon' die" is a wonderful comedic beat in this tense situation, but it is the bit after that I really adore. Hardison figuring out how to trick the bomb and then,

Eliot: What's our margin of error here? Hardison: 'bout half a second. Eliot: Run the ba-bag of bricks by me again? Hardison: Are you ready? Eliot: No.

I am just, so fond of these two. Also the fact that Eliot's hand shakes when he reaches for the cables and waits for Hardison's signal always puts me all up in my feelings about him. I also of course adore the scene at the rehab facility with Hardison's "I'm with him. No, I am with him. See, he thinks the flirting makes me jealous, but it doesn't. But if you was like Brad Pitt or Denzel or somebody, oh girl it would be on." It love it so much.

Nate, of course, is also just great in this episode. His entire experience in rehab is another wonderful insight into his character, his issues, how he sees himself and so on. The hallucination of Sterling says so much about him. I think this also very nicely sets up how Nate behaves in the finale double episode.

I also really want to mention Parker here, because Parker in rehab is also something I am very fond of. I love the moment where she pickpockets the Koreans searching for Hurley and then so innocently comes to Nate to confess what she's done and tells him in this tiny voice "I didn't meant to, it was just instinct." I love her so much. And her, at the end of the episode, skipping along and then running toward her people, jumping on Eliot while tossing her stuff at Nate, and then going to hug Hardison, is such a lovely moment. I love how the three of them then walk toward the car arm in arm, too. I love these kids.

112: THE FIRST DAVID JOB

D: DEAN DEVLIN. W: JOHN ROGERS. Original Air Date: 17 February 2009.

First half of the first finale! I gotta say I really love the David Jobs very much. It is such a fantastic first finale. I really adore how the opening of this episode is mirrored in the opening of the second half.

Given the set-up of the previous episode, I really like how for a first time watcher, this opening sequence very much looks like Nate is completely off the rails doing his own thing getting revenge on the man who, basically, killed his son. It isn't until Blackpoole introduces Nate to 'Portia' and we see Sophie turn around that it becomes clear that we're on the con, which I think is done very nicely. Only then giving the viewer the "how we got here" part is just great.

This episode of course also brings us, finally, Maggie (yes, I'll ask again: where do I address my Maggie For Leverage: Redemption campaign to?). I absolutely love how she is introduced here as Eliot's date. I also love how absolutely terrified Eliot looks once he realises that she isn't just anyone, but Nate's ex-wife. Maggie is such an excellent character, and I adore her. I also am very appreciative that this episode holds the singular moment of jealousy Sophie has toward Maggie. After her momentary outburst as Maggie tells Nate she hasn't stopped caring about him, we never see it again. Even better, once Maggie learns about Nate's crew, Sophie and her even become friends. And it is lovely.

We also have some great Parker/Hardison moments in this episode as well. I adore Parker and her enthusiasm for their "little naked man" and Hardison being weirded out about it (and turning the little David around so Parker can change in private). I, of course, absolutely love the kiss (and Eliot's grinning question at Sophie who of the two of them Parker had kissed) and then the theft of the First David. Hardison is so in awe of Parker and it is a sight to behold.

I also quite enjoy the "downfall" in this episode. Sterling showing up (we love the bastard), the fight between Eliot and Mr Quinn, the conversation about Sophie conning them on the roof, and then of course the final confrontations on that same roof as well as the HQ. This whole thing of "and then I asked myself, what would Parker do?" / "but then I thought, what would Hardison do?" is just brilliant and lovely. It shows how far they have all come throughout this first season and how much they have learned from each other already. I am very fond of it.

I am sad about the offices being blown up, though. As much as I love both McRory's pub and Nate's apartment in Boston, as well as the Brewpub in Portland, I've always really liked the LA offices as well. It was their first home and it was lovely. I am however very happy that Old Nate made it out unscathed.

113: THE SECOND DAVID JOB

D: DEAN DEVLIN. W: JOHN ROGERS & CHRIS DOWNEY. Original Air Date: 24 February 2009.

And the last episode! As I've said above, I adore how this opening sequence mirrors that of The First David Job. Similarly, I also love how until Sophie notices Parker's laser pointer and Eliot sees Hardison, as a viewer you assume they are on the job together, which is again the reversal of the first half of the finale. Just lovely storytelling, I adore it. Speaking of mirrors, the scene in the MC Hammer mansion where Nate inconspicuously manages to get them all thinking about the con together and putting their differences aside once more, also mirrors one of my favourite scenes from the first episode of season two, where the team does the same to Nate.

This episode on the whole I also just marvellous. Eliot's awkward date with Maggie, Nate finally telling Maggie about Blackpoole's involvement (or lack thereof) in Sam's death, the team involving Maggie in the planning of the con and her, precious as she is, questioning Nate's ability to just get people to do what he wants -- it is all just so good. I love Maggie on the con, too. Sophie coaching her, how good Maggie is at it immediately. Just lovely.

Then, of course, the entirety of the con from the moment Nate shows up at the museum. Sterling hurrying all over the place trying to figure out what Nate's plan is, finding out about the mummy, the release of the gas, the evacuation, the David statue replicas, them finally getting in and finding Nate alone in the exhibit room. I adore that shot of him leaning against the display case with the two Davids still inside, only highlighted from the open hatch in the roof. It is such a beautiful shot. I really enjoy Nate and Sterling's dynamic here, too. And I am very happy that Maggie gets to punch Blackpoole just like Nate got to in the episode before. They both deserve to give this man hell.

The ending of this episode and therefore this season always has me in all of my emotions. If I didn't know there would be more after this, I would just go lie down and weep for a while after watching it. The trademark overhead walkaway shot is of course a must, but the fact that they stop, that all of them hesitate, thinking about turning around, thinking about changing their minds. And then it cuts to black, and if this had been it, we would've never known! Ah, what a show, what a first season. I am completely in love with this show, as pretty much everyone knows, but I just -- this show is so damn good. It gets me every single time. Every time.

[image taken from the electricnow website]

[kitkatt0430]

the flash and the problem of the pointless sacrifice

It starts at the end of season one. Eddie Thawne picks up his gun and shoots himself, dying to protect Iris, Barry, and the rest from his dangerous descendent Eobard Thawne.

Season two ends with its reversal, Barry creating the Flashpoint Timeline that, though its eventually set back to 'normal-ish', leaves a time remnant of Eobard Thawne alive and well (if running scared from the Black Flash/Hunter Zolomon as a speed zombie) to wreak havoc once more.

And I get it. The Reverse Flash is one of the Flash's most iconic villains - killing him off in season one couldn't be permanent. But apparently Eddie's suicide could be and the message that sends is... unfortunate.

Eddie is an extremely kindhearted person and we see that about him again and again throughout season one. He always has a smile for the people he cares about and he's an absolutely terrible liar. But we also know that he was bullied as a child/teen and since he never brings up the subject of his own family, it's likely he doesn't have a support structure outside of Central City. And the support structure he does gain in Central City was Barry's support structure first. There's not a single person we see Eddie spend time with in season one that didn't know Barry first.

And that's a big part of what wears him down over the course of the season. When both Barry and Eddie need support, Barry gets it first. Barry's secrets are treated as something Eddie has to prioritize over his relationship with Iris. Barry's loved Iris longer than Eddie's known her and while Iris loves Eddie, she also loves Barry and she's infatuated with the Flash - not realizing he's Barry's alter ego. Over the course of the season, Eddie constantly tries to connect with Barry and Barry constantly holds back. Their relationship is never equal. And that's what leaves Eddie open to Eobard's manipulations with the future news article.

And Eddie tries to make his own future with Iris anyway. But even with Iris accepting his proposal, Joe makes it clear he'll never truly accept their relationship and Eddie's sense of self worth is at an all time low. And that's the state of mind he's in during the fight in the pipeline. When Barry chooses not to let Eobard go after all, it puts them all in a position of potentially having to deal with this fight between the two speedsters just... never ending. It puts Iris in danger because Barry cares about her and because while Eddie is Eobard's ancestor... Iris isn't. From Eobard's point of view, Eddie's the only one who isn't expendable and from Eddie's point of view... he's the only one who is expendable.

His answer is suicide. And his death immediately erases Eobard from the timeline, but its also implied to have contributed to the re-emergence of the singularity. But at least Eobard was dead.

At least, until Barry created Flashpoint at the end of season 2. Presumably Eddie was alive in Flashpoint, but we never see him. Maybe he stays in Keystone instead of transferring to Central City. Never meets Iris. Never gets worn down to feel like he's not good enough. Never kills himself.

When Flashpoint is reset, Eddie's dead again but now his sacrifice has been rendered moot because Eobard's still alive as a time remnant.

It sets a rather nasty precedent for the show.

Season two also ends with a suicide. This time it's Barry's.

Much like Eddie the year before, Barry's been worn down. He had his place in his family's come into question, with Henry leaving at the start of the season and Wally's arrival midway through the season. His back is literally broken by the stress of fighting Zoom and despite everything he's suffered for the city, his honor is called into question the instant a different speedster takes to thievery. He has to give up his speed to protect Wally only for that to immediately put Caitlin in danger. His colleagues are brutally murdered by Zoom to teach him a lesson. His father finally comes back for good, only to be murdered in the same place as Barry's mother.

Honestly, there is no question (to my mind anyway) that Barry's suicidal at the end of the season. And because Barry his time remnants are fundamentally the same person at the moment of their split, the time remnant Barry creates is suicidal as well.

That time remnant tears himself apart to stop Zoom's plan to destroy the multi-verse. His very existence also lures in the Time Wraiths that take Zoom away, transforming him into the mindless Black Flash. All at the cost of a version of Barry killing himself, going unlamented and forgotten. But at least the multi-verse was safe.

Until the Red Skies Crisis when the multi-verse is actually destroyed and rebooted.

Another sacrifice rendered pointless.

HR does not kill himself in season three. But he deliberately places himself in a position to be killed in Iris' place. He arrives on the heels of a scandal on his Earth where he's been revealed to have been taking credit for someone else's work - with that person's blessing, but its still ruined his reputation. He comes wanting to reinvent himself, but from the start he's not the person the team really wants. They want Harry. Cisco wants Harry. He gets it hammered in that his strengths aren't appreciated by the team because he's not a scientist. His efforts to help STAR Labs are dismissed entirely. The only reason any attempts to help his museum venture succeed are because changing the future might save Iris.

It's not that HR is disliked, but he's left acutely aware that he's considered 'a bit much' and that he's always going to come second to the people he puts first. In fact, Tracy's probably the only one who truly and completely appreciates HR as he is.

So HR swaps places with Iris, knowing that he's going to die when he does. And while HR doesn't kill himself, there's an argument to be made that what he did was still suicide by proxy.

And this is a sacrifice that sticks, because Iris West is the love interest. She's never going to be killed off for real.

Three seasons ending with a suicidal sacrifice. And only one of them doesn't have that sacrifice reversed or nullified. Unfortunately, that's not the end of it either.

Harry leaves his Earth at the start of season four. His relationship with his daughter, which was shown to still be strong in season three, has somehow deteriorated to the point where she's thrown him off her support team and he comes to Earth-1 to reconnect with the found family he forged during season two. He's in the midst of a crisis and his understanding of himself as a parent is unraveling. And then DeVoe calls the other pillar of Harry's self identity into question, because Harry's genius isn't enough on its own anymore. He's not smart enough to out think DeVoe and his Earth-1 family is suffering. So Harry creates his own downfall, burns out his own brain trying to be the smartest. And he sacrifices his last moments of lucidity to find the answer to stopping DeVoe. In doing so, Harry puts Barry in the position to save Ralph's life.

But DeVoe still gets the last laugh when he causes the STAR Labs satellite to come falling down, nearly destroying the city and creating Cicada in the process.

But unlike previous seasons, Harry doesn't die. He gets some of his intelligence back and immediately gets exiled by the writers back to Earth-2 due to the massive problems with ableism this show has. But that's a different conversation.

Season five is probably the only season not to include a suicidal character who's kills themselves. Nora dies when she erases herself from the timeline by accident, but we know now she'll be back in the back half of season seven, along with her new brother. But one out five seasons not taking a suicide (or similar action in Harry's case) and painting it as a noble - but ultimately useless - gesture is rather... bad as far as track records go.

Season six has the alternate Barry Allen - implied to be the Barry from the 90s show - who dies in place of this show's Barry. To save the multi-verse and let this other Barry go home to his wife, something he'll never have with Tina again. And the multi-verse is destroyed anyway.

Season seven opened with Nash Wells, whose usual method of investigating mysteries and hoaxes led to the Anti Monitor's freedom and the multi-verse's destruction. His home Earth destroyed so he can never go home. He's confronted with an alternate version of his dead daughter, who can barely stand his presence. He begins to hallucinate alternate versions of himself and is possessed by the Reverse Flash and all his research on how to create a new Speed Force - to try to make up for some of the damage he's caused - points to a single conclusion. The only way to make things better is for him to die.

Instead, Nash's death immediately makes things worse. The artificial speed force is flawed and Barry destroys it in the very next episode. And while one could argue that Nash's death allowed Barry to save Iris and ultimately restored the original Speed Force, it doesn't negate the fact that Nash's suicidal state of mind wasn't addressed by the people who called him friend. And his legacy was immediately deemed a failure and destroyed.

While I wouldn't say the show is glorifying suicide, there's a subtle and incredibly troubling repetition in the story telling on the show that frames suicide as the right decision in certain circumstances. Even though what's being sacrificed for often comes to naught. And it's incredibly uncomfortable, seeing it all laid out like this.

I'm still really not sure what to make of it all, but I've got no doubt it ties into the show's ableism with regards to mental health issues. Because every time its someone whose mental health has been brought down to a low point who commits these acts of 'sacrifice' and while the team grieves these losses... they don't seem to learn from them either. Because it just keeps happening.

(Think I missed something? Please, by all means, add on.)

[fandomfanfics12]

Home Lives With You-Part 3

Title: Home Lives With You. Pairings: Steve x Tony Part: 3/? Warnings: swearing, fluff, angst, blood, abuse (physical and verbal), ptsd, anxiety, bullying Summary: Peter’s been living with the abusive Thompson family for years, it was the only family in the system that would take him. When Steve and Tony get a phone call from the social worker who introduced them to their daughter Morgan for an emergency placement, they feel like they must pay back the favor. But are Steve and Tony taking on more than they can handle, and will Peter be able to adjust to a warm and welcoming family home? A/N: I was going to make you all wait longer but someone (you know who you are) was extremely persuasive, hope you enjoy. Also i’ll be starting a tag list so message me if you would like to be in it and sorry this part is kinda long lol.

Part 1, Part 2

When Peter opened up his bag at his locker, he was surprised to find a packed lunch waiting for him. There was even a little handwritten note that had nearly sent him to tears.

I snuck this in while you were in the shower, wasn’t sure if you’d have lunch at school, sorry if I overstepped.

-Tony.

Peter had just stared at the note, his heart pounding as it sunk in that he’d actually get to eat lunch today. And the lunch had been delicious, Tony had packed him an apple, a Nutella sandwich and had even gone as far as to throw in a juice box. Peter had all of it, not wanting to waste anything and being relieved that he finally had something to eat with the other kids at lunch. It was a small action but it made Peter’s day to know someone had thought about him and considered that he’d want to eat lunch. That someone had gone as far as to make him lunch. Even after his freakout this morning with Morgan, even after just popping up out of the blue. Tony and Steve had done so much for him, it was getting suspicious. While he was grateful he also knew that he needed to keep his guard up. They don’t actually want you. Steve said it himself, this is nothing more than an extended sleepover.

-

“Hey Rhodey, how’s your day been so far?” Tony’s last meeting had nearly bored him to death, he could’ve assessed the numbers himself and be done with the problem after five minutes. Instead he had to sit there for three hours and listen as his co-worker-Hammer-droned on and on and on.

“Tony is everything alright? Did something happen with Peter?” Tony let out a chuckle, Rhodey sounded so worried. Was that because he cared about the kid, or was there something that Steve and Tony should be concerned about?

“No things have gone alright so far.”

“just alright?” Tony cringed as he thought of the way Peter called them sir and how he flinched at every unexpected word or movement.

“He’s very nervous, but I think he’s warming up to us.” Tony paced, unsure if it really was too soon to be making this phone call.

“What’s the matter then? Is he eating?”

“So far, although it takes a little convincing. Why is there an eating problem we should be concerned about?” The kid was scrawny, but Tony had been a scrawny teenager too. Maybe he should look into a therapist?

“No, Peter had to live in some really poor conditions at his old foster home, I’ve been trying to get an investigation going for years but my superiors think its one less kid in our hands so it’s no longer our problem.” Rhodey growled and Tony shook his head, looking out of his big office window to his brilliant view of New York.

“We’re not sending him back Rhodey if that’s what you’re worried that that’s what this is about.” Tony reminded him and heard Rhodey take a deep calming breath.

“Then what?”

“I know we’ve only had him for a day and of course we want to see if this is just a honeymoon period but Steve and I were wondering if maybe we could keep him for more than a month?” Tony bit his lip, his heart pounded against his rib cage and anxiety clawed at his insides.

“Are you saying that you and Steve may be considering adoption?” Rhodey asked but there was so much joy in his voice that Tony relaxed, his heart slowing and his breath evening out.

“Maybe. I mean we’ve only had him for a night and there’s still a long way to go but the idea of having a son does sound pretty nice.” Tony admitted and Rhodey whooped.

“I had a feeling this would happen.” Rhodey admitted and Tony sat down at his desk, beginning to type in his password at his computer.

“It’s not a definite ask yet Rhodey, but we have a really good feeling about him. This is just an inquiry call…” Tony trailed off suddenly feeling guilty.

“I understand Tony and I wouldn’t ask for more at this point. You’ve only had Peter for one night, but I will get the papers drawn up for an extended stay in case you decide you do want him to stay for a while longer.” Tony grinned and pulled up his emails.

“Thanks Rhodey. I know it’s soon to be asking this kind of question but he’s such a good kid.” Rhodey chuckled.

“The best, I’ll go do the papers now and email you when they’re ready. All you have to do is call me when you want to sign them.” And then Rhodey hung up.

-

Steve pulled up his emails to show to his class his best friend’s favourite painting. Bucky had emailed it this morning. But at the very top, displayed on the large projector screen was the words in regards to our son.

“Mr Stark-Rogers?” someone called out and pointed to the screen. Steve’s brows rose and he looked back down at his computer. It was from Tony and a grin spread out on his face.

“Yes!” he did a little dance on the spot and his student’s laughed.

“What is it?” a bold student called and Steve shut the lid of his laptop and sat down on his desk, facing the class.

“Last night my husband and I got called by the social worker who gave us our daughter about an emergency placement.” They oohed and aahed and he nodded. “He’s sixteen and my daughter’s already calling him her big brother. Which is incredibly fast, I was worried she’d reject him. Get jealous of having another kid around but it’s been the opposite.”

“So you’re going to adopt him?” Someone called out and Steve chuckled.

“It’s still early days but my husband and I discussed it and we’ve asked the social worker to see if we could have him for a little while longer, just to see how it goes.” They cheered and Steve chuckled. It was moments like these that he loved being a teacher. Loved the connection that he built with his students.

“You’ll have to keep us updated sir!” Someone called out and he nodded.

“Promise I will, but that’s enough chit-chat for today. I’ll show you Bucky’s favourite painting next week…” Steve gave out instructions for the lesson but his mind was reeling. Rhodey had agreed, they were going to have a son. And it was practically set in stone now. No matter what issues arose or how difficult things got with Peter, Tony calling Rhodey had really been the biggest road block. Convincing Tony was always going to be the hard part, but they were in this together, they wanted Peter together and Steve knew that they were going to fight for their son together.

-

Peter wished he could feel calm and confident that Tony would be there to pick him up after school. He wanted to believe that he would come into the parking lot and that Tony would be there waiting for him, but he couldn’t convince himself of that fact. Couldn’t truly believe it. he could, however, convince himself that he’d get there and the parking space would be empty, that Tony wouldn’t be there. So when the bell rang, he took his sweet time making his way to his locker, his movements slow as he grabbed the books he needed, and didn’t rush to the parking lot. He wanted to live his life without disappointment for as long as possible. But when he got to the car park, Tony was waiting for him, Morgan in the back seat.

“Hey kid, how was school?” Tony asked as Peter put on his seatbelt.

“Good, how was work sir?” Tony tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as he waited in the cue to get out of the parking lot.

“Good, boring, it was work.” He shrugged and Peter nodded trying his best not to freak out over the fact that he had actually showed up. He was actually picking Peter up from school. Peter looked out the window and could see Flash-scowling. Peter sank further down in his seat, but Flash was coming over. Without asking or thinking he reached forward and locked the door.

“Pete?” Tony asked but Peter just watched as Flash kept walking, not throwing them another glance. Peter’s heart was racing, how the hell was he supposed to explain that to Tony?

“sorry sir.” Peter mumbled and unlocked the door. Tony was frowning but didn’t mention it for the whole car ride back to his house.

-

Steve was in an exceptionally good mood on the way home from work. Just knowing that Tony was already seriously considering adopting Peter too seemed insane to Steve. Were they really going to expand their family? he couldn’t contain the grin. Soon enough he was pulling into the driveway and inside the house, the smell of pizza and garlic bread filled the house.

“Honey I’m home!” Steve called and heard Tony’s snort.

“you know you sound ridiculous right?” Tony asked as he came downstairs to give Steve a kiss.

“How are the kids?” Steve asked and Tony lightly whacked his arm.

“That’s insane.” He whispered and Steve furrowed his brows.

“What is?”

“kids, because we have two!” Steve chuckled and nodded his head, Tony’s eyes were wide and bright, excitement coated his features.

“I know.” Steve whispered and Tony shook his head.

“They’re good, Morgan’s colouring in and Pete’s doing homework.” Steve nodded his head, exhaustion weighing down on him.

“how was work?”

“Good, boring. Hammer wasted three hours of my day.” Tony grumbled and Steve chuckled.

“And we all know just how much you love Hammer.” At that Tony scrunched up his face and stuck his tongue out at Steve. They began to make their way to the kitchen.

“I could have assessed the numbers myself, Hammer’s just bored with his day so he’s trying to ruin mine.” Tony grumbled and Steve chuckled.

“he’s not that bad.” At that Tony spun around and pointed the tongs he’d just picked up at Steve.

“Fine next week you can deal with him all by yourself.”

“next week?” Steve asked and leaned against the doorway.

“Boss’ birthday?” Tony asked and Steve groaned. He hated those parties, hated dressing up in a suit with people that all acted so snobbish especially towards Steve.

“do we have to go?”

“Do we have bills to pay?” Tony asked and Steve sighed.

“Fine, but we can bail early right?” Tony nodded his head, grabbing the garlic bread out of the oven.

“Yes dear, but only after birthday cake.” Steve sighed but accepted the compromise. Tony hated those parties too, but he wasn’t talked down to by his co-workers.

“We could ask Pete to babysit.” Steve said and Tony rose his brows.

“I like your line of thinking.” Steve chuckled and Tony grabbed some paper plates.

“Kids dinner!” Steve called and heard doors open upstairs.

-

Peter froze in the doorway, heart pounding in his chest. Steve had said kids, which meant both of them. But was that a slip of the tongue? Did he really mean it? Morgan watched him and slowly he moved towards her, trying to look calm and collected.

“Do you like pizza?” she asked as they descended the stairs and Peter shrugged, then realised she wasn’t looking at him.

“uhh sure.” They reached the bottom of the stairs and she ran for the kitchen to where her parents were waiting.

“Hey Peter.” Steve said as Peter entered the kitchen.

“Hello Mr Stark-Rogers.” Peter said and Tony handed Peter a loaded paper plate which had pizza and garlic bread on it.

“thank you sir.” Peter said and Tony chuckled.

“What movie are we watching tonight princess?” and Morgan giggled in response.

“Star wars!” she cried and Steve frowned.

“We’ve watched it six times now.”

“But Princess Leia is so cool!” Morgan cried and Steve nodded.

“alright, do you like star wars Pete?” the question caught Peter off guard. He’d heard about it, his friend Ned referenced it all the time.

“I haven’t seen it.” he admitted and the Stark-Rogers household froze.

“you haven’t seen star wars?” Tony asked slowly and peter shook his head.

“I haven’t seen a lot of movies actually.” He admitted and they stared at him in disbelief.

“Jurassic Park?”

“No sir.”

“Alien?”

“No sir.”

“Indiana Jones?”

“No sir.”

“Gone in sixty seconds?”

“No sir.”

“surely you’ve seen the John Wick movies?” Steve added and again, Peter hadn’t seen it.

“No sir.” His stomach was starting to curdle at all the things he hadn’t seen, the things that set him as different from other kids his age.

“The matrix?”

“no sir.” They looked more and more distressed and a sense of guilt filled Tony. Was this a serious flaw of his? Were they going to get rid of him for this? He liked it here, they didn’t beat him and they gave him warm food and rides to and from school. He didn’t want to get kicked out.

“That’s it, we are going to have to give you an education in quality movies.” Tony said and Peter relaxed, that didn’t sound too bad. Peter followed them to a part of the house he hadn’t been to yet, a room near the back. There was a large leather L-shaped couch, a projector and a huge screen. The walls were covered in DVD’s, all alphabetically arranged. While the Stark-Rogers got comfortable on the couch, Peter sat down on the floor.

“What are you doing?” Tony asked and Peter looked over at him.

“Sitting down sir.”

“Are you sure you want to sit on the floor?” Was Peter allowed to sit on the couch? The thought bewildered him and Tony glanced to Steve.

“You can sit here with us if you want Peter.” Steve offered with a gentle smile and slowly Peter rose, easing down onto the couch. His ribs were screaming in agony by now, the cut on his side throbbing constantly. It was nice to sit on something as comfortable as the couch.

“thank you sirs.” He said softly and both men looked too stunned to respond. Tony just turned on the tv and got the movie ready. Every muscle in Peter’s body was tense, what if they changed their minds and sent him back to the floor? How long would this nice act last?

-

Tony snuggled into Steve’s side and Steve wrapped an arm around him. He loved movie night, and he loved watching Peter’s awed face as he experienced star wars for the very first time. It was very amusing, even Morgan started to look for his reaction instead of the movie. Soon enough the credits were rolling and Peter’s mouth had gone slack.

“Alright princess, bed time.” Tony said, pulling away from Steve and stretching as he stood up. Morgan just scowled at him.

“But I wanna watch the big kid movie with Peter!” she cried and Tony chuckled.

“who said we were gonna watch a big kid movie now?” Steve asked, looking ridiculously handsome and amused.

“because Peter doesn’t have to go to bed!” Tony swept Morgan up and off of her feet, into his arms and she pouted.

“That’s because Peter is a big kid. And you’re half asleep anyway.”

“am not!” she proclaimed and Tony chuckled, he couldn’t take her seriously when she was this cute.

“Say goodnight to everyone.” She rested her head on Tony’s shoulder in defeat and Steve beamed at the two of them.

“G’night.” she mumbled, Tony could feel her going slack in his arms.

“Good night Morgan.” Steve said, grinning and Tony looked at Peter who was watching her in awe.

“Goodnight miss.” She nodded and then Tony carried her out of the room, wondering how long it would be before Peter referred to everyone by their names.

I wonder if he’ll call me dad one day?

-

Peter nervously sat with Steve as they waited for Tony to return.

“so what are we going to watch now?” Peter asked, wondering if that’s even what they wanted to do. They could just be having a serious talk with him, kicking him out. Or maybe they didn’t want Morgan to see the beating? He knew he shouldn’t have sat down on the couch. Knew that he should move to the floor while they waited, but Peter couldn’t bring himself to. His wounds ached and throbbed and the idea of moving seemed too much.

“I think we should get the John Wick movies out of the way, Morgan will lose patience and try and sneak in eventually. I’d rather her see the snake in gone in sixty seconds than the murders in John Wick.” Steve was smiling and Peter tried to return it. Tony appeared again and flopped back down on the couch, snuggling into Steve.

“that was quick.” Steve mused and Tony nodded.

“Despite her best efforts, she fell asleep as soon as I tucked her in. are we watching John Wick?” Steve’s grin widened and he nodded, Peter nervously eyed them from the couch. Was he allowed to stay there for this movie too? Was he really allowed to watch two movies in the same night? he waited for the other shoe to drop. For them to tell him he needed to scrub the house clean with a toothbrush or maybe they were going to demand he paint the driveway or-

“Hey Pete, can I ask you something.” Peter inhaled sharply, here it was.

“Of course sir.” Peter said and they both sat up straighter, both looking nervous. They’re not going to ask me to do chores, they’re going to kick me out. And Peter was filled with a sense of despair because he liked living with Tony and Steve. So far they’d been nice, they hadn’t hit him and they’d fed him and given him his own room. And here they were, about to kick him out. The wound in his side throbbed, anticipation rattled through his bones and he waited.

“Next Friday is my boss’ birthday party. Steve and I are going to be out late and we were wondering if you wouldn’t mind babysitting Morgan for us?” they both looked so earnest and Peter’s entire body relaxed.

“I’d love to.” He admitted and both men grinned.

“Really? Thanks Pete.” Tony turned back and settled in against Steve whilst he got the movie ready.

“We’ll leave some money so you can order a pizza and you can even have a friend come over if you want.” Peter nodded his head but didn’t have the heart to tell them that he didn’t have a friend to invite over. not really. Sure there was Ned, but they weren’t that close. Peter was more shocked that they were letting him buy a pizza for himself and Morgan. But the movie was starting and Steve’s head was resting against Tony’s and so Peter relaxed into the couch. They were at the very least keeping him for another week, he could relax a little bit.

-

When the movie was over, Peter had thanked them and vanished back upstairs. Steve looked down at his husband who was frowning at the space on the couch where Peter had been moments before.

“Do you think he’s okay?” Tony wondered and together they sat forward.

“I think we should check on him, it can’t hurt right?” At that, Tony nodded. They threaded their fingers together and made their way upstairs, and Steve could hear retching coming from the bathroom.

“Pete?” he asked, knocking on the door.

“I-I’m fine. Fine really.” His shaking voice croaked and Steve let go of Tony’s hand to open the door, Peter’s frail body curled up over the toilet bowl.

“Peter.” Steve stepped into the room and dropped down beside Peter who was breathing heavily. Tony went downstairs to get ice.

“Shh it’s alright.” Ragged breaths came out as Peter struggled to drag in a breath, his hair a mess and vomit on his shirt.

“I’m so sorry.” Tears streamed down Peter’s face and then Tony was back, a cup full of ice.

“Start the shower.” Steve said and a moment later there was running water. Steve tipped the cup full of ice down the back of Peter’s shirt and the boy gasped, Steve rubbed soothing circles between Peter’s shoulder blades. He helped Peter to his feet, the boy’s breath starting to even out and pulled Peter underneath the freezing cold water. He gasped again and then Steve turned the water off, the both of them shivering.

“Better?” he asked and Peter nodded, his eyes wide.

“how did you do that?” he whispered, his voice raw.

“Steve gets bad panic attacks sometimes too.” Tony said and handed them both a towel. Steve held his tightly against himself and Peter pushed back his wet hair.

“I don’t understand.”

“The cold water shocks the nervous system, it’s how we shocked you out of your panic attack.” Peter nodded and then looked down at the floor.

“I’m sorry sir.” He mumbled and Steve squeezed his eyes shut.

“It’s not your fault Peter, do you want to talk about what caused it?” Tony’s voice was soft and gentle, Peter just shook his head.

-

It had been the movie. Seeing so much graphic violence had sent his brain back to nights in the basement with Mr Thompson, he’d managed to sit there through the whole movie, but as soon as the credits rolled Peter had to get out of there. He didn’t want to tell them about what had triggered the panic attack, it would only bring on a larger conversation that Peter wasn’t ready to have with them yet. Peter had been instructed to take a shower and get changed into warm clothes. He’d made sure only to use the cold water despite how much his body yearned to be warm and then made his way to his room.

Before he knew it they were back, standing there with concern on their faces. They’re not going to let me look after Morgan. Not after that, they’re going to kick me out. He hadn’t unpacked his bags yet and now he wished he’d had. Just so he could stay here for a little while longer, even if it were only five minutes.

“Want to tell us what that was all about now?” Tony asked, breaking the silence.

“No sir.” Peter was on the bed, hugging his knees to his chest. The bed was soft, comfy and he wished that he’d be allowed to sleep on it.

“Pete, please talk to us.” Steve murmured and Peter shook his head.

“What can we do to make this better?” Tony asked and Peter’s eyes met theirs.

“You’re not kicking me out are you?” his voice wobbled and he dug his nails into his palms to stop himself from crying.

“kicking you out? Of course not!” they both moved so they were seated on either side, wrapping their arms around him and he cried out as someone’s hand brushed his wound.

“Pete?” they both immediately pulled back but he was crying as the pain radiated throughout his body. Fuck. He thought and curled in on himself.

“What’s wrong?” he could identify the voice as Steve’s but he just shook his head. Then his shirt was being lifted up and one of them gasped.

“this looks bad honey.” Peter slowly uncurled and looked at what Tony was seeing, the deep cut that was now a green, seeping pus and looking rather swollen.

“shit.” Steve breathed and Tony raised a brow.

“You’re freezing Pete, how’d this happen?” Tony asked but Peter just shook his head.

“please don’t beat me.” he whispered and Tony’s eyes widened. He looked to Steve who was standing now.

“I’m going to take him to the hospital.” Steve said and Tony nodded. They helped Peter to his feet, his whole body trembling with fear now. there words weren’t sinking in, the panic was just rising.

“I used the cold water and I slept on the floor and I swear I haven’t taken any extra food other than what was offered and-“

“Peter honey we’re not going to hurt you.” but he was sobbing and shaking so hard that he collapsed to the ground. He curled up in a tight ball, hands covering his head and mind racing. He wasn’t sure he could take this, and then there were hands on him. Peter flinched but it was just Steve, scooping him up into his arms. He carried Peter downstairs and then put him down in the backseat, buckling him in.

“It’s going to be alright Peter.” He whispered and Peter nodded, sobbing now. soon Steve was in the front seat and driving, the car only filled with the sound of Peter’s whimpers.

[nade2308]

Love lasts forever

Written for: stanclub2k followers milestone challenge.

Prompt: "Who hurt you?" with Stucky.

Pairings: Stucky (Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes).

Other pairings: Sam Wilson x Riley and past Bucky Barnes x Brock Rumlow

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Riley (minor appearance and mentioned), Tony Stark (mentioned), Natasha Romanoff (minor appearance), Brock Rumlow, Jack Rollins (mentioned), Alexander Pierce (mentioned) Barnes and Rogers families (mentioned).

A/N: Thank you @stanclub for organizing this challenge. It was fun to get another story out in such a short time. I wrote a part for this story last month but lost the inspiration for a bit. Then another story took over my time and I thought I'd have time to finish it. I never thought it would get past 3k (before ideas started pouring in my brain and discussing it with my friends was proving to spur my muse). In the end I have this story that's 9.3k long (the last three days were spent writing fervently).

Thanks to @lisamott9 and @82tweeder for the help and encouragement on this story.

...

“Are you sure you don’t mind?”

“Nah, it’s okay. I need to meet more friends anyway. Tony’s advice.”

“Can’t believe I’m agreeing with Stark, but you really need to, my friend. Okay, Steve. See you at 8.”

“I’ll be there.”

Steve hung up and looked at the clock. It was almost 5 and he knew that if it wasn’t something really important, Sam wouldn’t insist on bringing his friend with him last minute.

The next 2 hours were spent in sketching and outlining a logo for his next project. Steve needed to figure out the colors and how to combine them. Scratching his head, he thought about asking Sam. He took a picture of the previous logo and one of his drawing, and put the sketch into his drawing folder, before he went to his room.

Steve never cared for his appearance, always opting for casual, but tonight he felt like he could dress up a little bit. He picked his favorite navy blue button down, and the new pair of navy blue jeans he bought last week. He also put on some of the expensive - overpriced - cologne that Tony gave him for his birthday, and Steve had to admit that the fruity smell was nice. It reminded him of his late mother’s lemon pie, God bless her soul.

He took his bomber leather jacket with him, put on shoes and locked the door of his apartment behind him.

…

Bucky was miserable.

Absolutely miserable.

On a scale of 1 to 10, he was a 15.

He was angry. And mad. For letting himself go back to Brock. For giving him more ammo to hurt Bucky. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Brock in the throes of pleasure, with another man in bed. Right now he was pacing like a caged animal and judging by Sam's glare, he was wearing thin Sam's patience and support. And Sam was getting frustrated because he repeated ‘Damn Barnes, you’ll wear a hole on the floor’ more than once. But he couldn't stay in one place. Probably why he agreed to go with Sam and his friend at the bar.

Sam really liked Bucky and hated to see him so bothered. As much as Sam tried to warn Bucky not to get back to his ex, love was blind and it wasn’t exactly Bucky’s fault for falling in love with the wrong person.

A heart doesn’t choose, Sam’s mom would say right before kissing his father in front of Sam to rile him up.

Sam smiled at the memory, but he was brought back to reality when he heard a noise in the kitchen. Sam stormed in the kitchen where there were shards of glass and spilt water on the floor. Bucky looked like he was on the verge of crying and Sam wanted to tear Brock piece by piece.

“Hey, it’s just a glass.”

Bucky didn’t say anything, just looked at the mess on the floor.

“Why don’t you go and get ready, Bucky? I’ll clean this up.”

“No, I’ll-"

“James, please.”

Sam rarely used Bucky’s real name, unless there was a point to be made. Looking at the red and swollen eyes of his friend, Sam knew Bucky got the message.

“I’ll go and shower.”

“You know what would be great? Run a bath.”

“Come on, Sam, I’m not in the mood to do that.”

“What you are at the moment, is in need to get yourself back to normal. You need to care about yourself for once Bucky. You need to see yourself before the others. Go and have a nice bath. Use your favorite shampoo. And just relax.”

Bucky stood for a moment, deep in thought, weighing his options. Then he nodded, wearily. Just having his favorite shampoo at Sam's and Riley's place said a few things about him. Like the fact that he spent lots of time there.

The buckets of Rocky Road in the fridge did too.

“Do you by any chance have that lavender essential oil?”

“Do I have-? Barnes, who do you think I am? Of course I do.” Sam always had the flair for the dramatic. But it pulled a smile out of Bucky so it was worth it. “You know Riley loves that shit after you hooked him on it.

“Not my fault the guy has taste, Sammy.”

“Call me Sammy one more time Grandma Barnes…” Sam waggled a finger.

“Catch me if you can, Sammy.”

“You little shit!” Sam called after Bucky but Bucky was out of earshot already. Laughing, Sam set the timer on the coffee machine to make coffee for himself and Bucky and went to clean the kitchen floor.

…

Bucky rummaged through cupboards until he spotted the bottle with the lavender oil. He ran the hot water to the temperature he liked. Then he applied a liberal amount of oil. Bucky eyed some candles and decided to light a few to help him relax more. When everything was set, he stripped in front of the mirror and looked at himself for the first time after the shit with Brock hit the fan.

He looked gaunt, his cheeks were hollowed out, sharper than ever, the smudges under his eyes a permanent fixture he never tried to hide. His eyes were bloody and red-rimmed. And his body… he looked horrible. He was never the one to have too much weight but where he had muscle and was lean, he was skinny now and the muscles were almost non-existent.

Bucky took a deep breath. Things needed to change

Letting his mind float while he had his bath, Bucky thought only of only one thing. Meeting Sam’s friend and getting hammered. Okay, maybe two things.

…

A mug of coffee waited for him when he got out of the bathroom.

“Sam, you are an angel.”

“For putting up with your sorry ass? I am a saint.” Sam jabbed from his place on the couch, watching reruns of a TV show Bucky never got to watch. Maybe he will now that he actually had the time.

Bucky parked himself in front of the tv himself, sensing Sam's eyes on him.

“You okay, Bucky?”

Bucky let the voices in the background tune out as he thought about Sam's question.

“I think that's a loaded question and you know it Sam.”

“I have time.”

Bucky sighed.

“You were right the first two times. Brock is a bad habit. I thought I could change that. Change him. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't ask anyone to change for me, but I think I wanted the old Brock to come back. And then I just deluded myself that he was not the person he is…”

Sam nodded in thought.

“I did some thinking. Well all I do these days is think,” Bucky laughed dryly, “but I came to realize that I should work on myself more. Not let the thing with Brock hold me back. Think I gave him enough of my time and life already. And I promised to myself, this time whatever happens, I come first.”

“Atta boy. That's the spirit.”

“If he cared for me half as much as I did for him, he wouldn't do it.”

“That's right.”

“I know what you'll say and you have every right to. But I… I don't know why I did it. Why I kept going back to him. God I'm a mess.” Bucky put his face in his hands.

“No. You are not. You acknowledged the problem and you are willing to see it go. You may not think that, and I blame that asshole for fucking up with your brain, but you are worth it Bucky. Worth to love and to be taken care of. So, good riddance Brock Rumlow.” Bucky smiled. Sam’s reassurance and support meant a lot to him and if it wasn't for him and Sam's boyfriend, Riley, Bucky didn't know where he'd be today.

“Not to mention, it'll take time Barnes. But you took the first and most important step. The rest will come along in its own pace. Just don't rush it.

“Thank you Sam.”

“You don't have to thank me. Now go. I picked you an outfit for tonight. It's in my room.”

Bucky laughed. Typical Sam.

…

Bucky was dressed in a plaid shirt and black tight jeans that Sam swore accentuated his ass. Bucky glared at him with Sam replying “you have to get it out there to be seen, hon” in his best imitating a woman voice. Then he slapped him on the ass.

Bucky giggled because Sam may have been a drama queen sometimes and knew how to get on his nerves, but he was a great friend.

They got at the bar a little before 8 and as Sam turned his head around to look for his friend Bucky felt like he was in a dream. He was faced with someone he knew a long time. A very long time.

Deja vu. But it couldn't be, could it?

Sam chose that moment to go and meet his friend. Which turned out to be Bucky's deja vu.

Bucky stood frozen on the spot when he saw the tall, blond man greeting Sam. It wasn't a dream after all. "Steve," Sam's voice sounds distant in Bucky's ears, "this is the friend I mentioned. James. But he goes by-" "Bucky?" Sam raised an eyebrow, looking from one man to the other. "I guess you two know each other then." Sam grinned like he just won the lottery. "Y-yes... Bucky is my childhood best friend." "Met this punk in a back alley behind the place where I lived as a kid. Turned out he lived three houses down from me." Bucky smiled as he remembered 6 years old Steve all skin and bones against the wall defending a boy his age from a bully. "We became friends. This jerk has helped me out fighting a few bullies himself." Steve smirked. Bucky smiled sadly as he continued the thread of the conversation. "Went to the same high school even. Then... We sort of parted ways when we went to separate colleges. Haven't seen him in a while." A while being 3 years. "Great to see you man." Steve exclaimed, happiness radiating off of him. He eyed Bucky with a nostalgic look and something that even Bucky couldn't understand. Bucky smiled, despite the feeling of gloom that was there since breaking up with Brock. Steve had that effect on people. Especially on Bucky. Steve was a balm to his soul. "Can we please at least get drinks from the bar and find a booth before you two eye fuck each other right here?" Sam rolled his eyes to finish off his statement. Steve sputtered and blushed, no one has joked about him and Bucky being in a relationship in a long time. They used to get that speech from everyone (even their parents) when they were teenagers. "We are not-" "Relax, Stevie, Sam is joking. Boy just wants to get this party started." "See this, Stevie, Barnes knows me better than you do." "Okay, okay. How did you two meet anyway? Ganging up on me. Bad, bad boys." Steve's voice was chiding but he was also smiling so it lost all effect. "I'll leave that story for another night." "I'll hold you to that." Steve said and sent Sam a warning glare. "Another thing you should know about Steve is, he's like those small pitbull terriers. When they get on to something, good luck with plucking them off of you." Sam shook his head, wondering what he got himself into. "Two shots of vodka, Sammy. That work for ya’ Steve?” Steve nodded. “It's settled then. We'll find us a nice booth." Bucky said and dragged Steve with him. "Get your own vodka, Barnes!" Sam's voice carried over even as he walked towards the bar. "Bite me." Sam turned to the bartender and ordered their drinks. "Swear I'm dealing with actual children. What did I get myself into?" "Friends can be goofs too." The bartender grinned and winked at Sam. "Two shots of vodka for the goofs then and for me... surprise me." The blond placed the shots in front of Sam and glared. "This better be the last time you try to flirt with me like we haven't been together forever Samuel." "I love what my flirting does to you, babe." "Get your ass off my bar Wilson and go join your friends." "When you finish come and join us?" Riley nodded and shooed Sam away. …

“How have you been Buck?” Steve used the first available opportunity to start a conversation.

Bucky looked at him, weighing the question.

“You mean like, right now or…?”

“I mean you, Buck. How have you been?”

“You want the blunt version or the sugar coated one?”

“C'mon Buck. You know me. You can tell me everything.”

“I… um… I ended up my relationship few days ago. So not the best? But getting there.”

Steve hummed in sympathy and his blue eyes never left Bucky's face. The Bucky he remembered was always a cheerful person, and everything about him screamed “confident”. But this Bucky? It was obvious that he was in pain and it wasn't just something recent.

How did they get to this point? They used to tell everything to each other.

"Who hurt you?" Bucky was taken aback by the question. He blinked hard and focused his eyes on Steve. The look on Steve's face was inquisitive but also caring. What did he do to deserve Steve in his life? "You seem like you are in pain, Buck. And there's not an obvious physical injury - and I could tell if there was one - so it's not that kind of pain." Bucky forgot that Steve was one hell of a perspective guy. "I'm right, then." It wasn't a question. "It's a bit complicated." "I have time." Sam chose that moment to join them with their drinks. "What have I told you about eavesdropping, Wilson?" Bucky sounded annoyed but used to, like Sam had done this before. "It just happened. And to answer your question Steve, because this goof won't ever admit it if he's hurting unless it's a stubbed toe-" "Sam..." "He hurt himself." "Sam, don't-" "This fucking idiot - and you are an idiot Barnes - let himself get back to his ex for the third time. And that vile piece of scum-" "Sam, please..." Now Bucky had tears in his eyes and Steve's heart did a weird thing. He wanted to punch whoever did this to Bucky. He would do everything for Bucky. It's been a long time since he felt like this for Bucky. Maybe he didn't bury those feels as deep as he thought. Steve was very protective of Bucky as it was but in the end he had to distance himself or else he would have risked their friendship. And as much as he wanted to see them together, the possible rejection by Bucky had Steve surrendering himself to a life without his best friend. And for a while it worked. But to listen that Bucky got hurt from his ex hurt Steve too.

Sam looked from Steve to Bucky and seemed to see something because he chose to not say anything else. He sat on Bucky's left while Steve came closer to Bucky's right. Steve could hear Winnie Barnes' voice in his head "see Sarah, those two have no sense of personal space whatsoever". "I'm sorry if it sounded harsh, but I just look out for you. You are my friend Bucky. Hate to see you hurt." "I know Sam. I know." Bucky felt at ease with both Steve and Sam by his side. He knew Steve longer than Sam, but Sam was a great friend - they both were - and Bucky was grateful that God sent them both at the same time to him because of the situation he was in. Bucky was aware that Brock was an asshole and that after the second break-up it was only the need to go back and have that semblance of normal relationship. They had something good going at the start, Brock wasn't so bad, but after a while everything changed. Bucky wasn't sure why he started crying. It certainly wasn't because he wanted to go back to Brock. But he didn't give himself enough time to heal after discovering Jack Rollins in the bed Bucky and Brock shared. It hurt and it stung. More than the previous break-ups. Steve saw something in that moment and maybe ingrained from years of being Bucky's best friend or maybe from just wanting to comfort him, but he moved at the same time Sam did. Call it instinct or coincidence. The hug was unexpected and if Bucky sobbed on Steve's shoulder in the process, no one had to know but him and Steve. And maybe Sam. It felt like relief, being held and comforted, for him to rely on someone instead of being the crying shoulder. Maybe he needed this outlet. "There, there." Sam drew soothing circles on Bucky's back while Steve held on Bucky tight. Steve didn't like when people were hurt, especially Bucky. And even then he always went out of his way to make him feel better.   After a while Bucky lifted his head and looked at Steve, sniffling. "Thanks, Stevie. I'm sorry I'm a mess." "Don't mention it, Buck. Your mess is my mess, too. Want to tell me what happened?" "Maybe another time. You back to Brooklyn?" "Yeah. I think LA got enough of me already." "I'm glad." "Hey Steve..." "Listen Buck..." They both spoke at the same time and giggled. It was like old times, unaware of Sam rolling his eyes at them and leaving them to their own devices as he went to the bar to get more drinks. "You first." "No, Stevie, you first." "I was gonna ask... I haven't heard from you for a while and... um, you have the same number, right?" "No, I don't. My phone was stolen few months ago and when I went to get a new one... they said that they couldn't recover my contacts. If I'd known that you were a friend of Sam’s I would've asked him." "Don't worry. Now we found each other again. And I'd like to see you more now that I'm back. We have lots of things to talk about." "True." And certainly there were things you couldn't say over the phone. ... The rest of the night went smooth. The initial thought of Bucky getting hammered flew out of the window when he met Steve again. Catching up with his best friend was more important than alcohol and maybe that's what he needed. To talk and forget for a while why he was there at the bar. Now that Steve was back home everything looked easier. What Brock did to him was still there, it would still hurt, but with Steve beside him, Bucky found it could be bearable. Sam called it a night shortly after Riley joined them when his shift ended. Sam wanted to have some alone time with his boyfriend before Bucky decided to join them. "So, Sam and the bartender, huh?" "Yup. Don't tell me you didn't know." "I knew he had a boyfriend but never met him." "How did you two met anyway?" "In college. I minored and he majored in psychology. We stayed in contact even when I moved to LA." Bucky nodded and was wondering how they hadn't met before Bucky... He chased those thoughts away because he didn't need his gloomy mood to ruin the night. "The world is small." Bucky concluded. "Definitely. So, I have a suggestion. I assume you don't have your own place..." Bucky smiled. "Yes, you guess correct. The break-up didn't go well and I... I am crashing at Sam's ever since." "Well if you wouldn't mind, you can come stay at my place tonight? Give the boys some privacy." Bucky wanted to say yes. He really did. "It's not like we haven't had sleepovers before,  Buck. Plus I have enough space. What do you say?" And how was anyone able to resist Steve when he asked them with those Bambi eyes? "Okay. I concede defeat." "My place then." "Your place." They both found out that Sam paid for everyone - and after an extensive torture (the taxi driver had to laugh when Bucky tickled Steve) - Steve admitted they may have talked about things when Bucky went to the bathroom. They finally arrived at Steve's place. It was... spacious to say the least. Bucky took it all in and gaped. "This is... amazing Steve." "Thanks. You wanna watch TV and order in or you want to go to bed?" It wasn't late, barely even 11.30 and Bucky certainly had nothing else to do on a Saturday night so he agreed on the offer. After a while he was relaxed enough to doze off. Food in his belly, the distant sound of the voices on one of the crime shows they played late at night and the warm presence of Steve. For the first time in the last week things were on the 'up' side. And waking up covered with the softest fleece blanket ever made was a nice bonus. …

Bucky found a note on the night table that read "See you later, had to run to the store." Bucky felt warm and fuzzy, both from meeting Steve again after so long, and because he was covered in this soft blanket that brought back memories from his childhood. Bucky stretched cat-like on the couch and sighed. The sun was up, and warmth spread in the living room of Steve's apartment. Judging by the note Steve wasn't gone long, but Bucky figured he could lounge a bit more. Steve was always the early bird, Bucky preferring to stay  under the blankets for "5 more minutes, please Stevie". And being the night owl continued well into adulthood. Old habits die hard. Bucky let himself close his eyes again, relishing in the softness of the cushion under his head and the sun caressing his cheeks. He wasn't asleep, more like drifting off and thinking of him and Steve. When Bucky was 7 he met Steve in that back alley, trying to fight that bully kid for picking on one of his peers. Steve was 6 at the time, all skin and bones and a strong will. The numerous ailments didn't help him most of the time, Bucky remembered numerous days when he had to bring homework to Steve and tend to him. Sarah, Steve's mom was a nurse that sometimes took double shifts to bring home enough money so they could make a decent living. By the time Bucky was 8, the Barnes' had adopted Sarah and Steve as theirs. Bucky smiled as he remembered Steve becoming even more of a fierce fighter at school and back alleys. The moment he became a teenager some of Steve's medical conditions receeded. Not that you could do much about food allergies or asthma, but he got better. To everyone's joy. And about the time Bucky started to notice that he was feeling something more for Steve. Something that wasn't just friendship. Coming out wasn't easy. Bucky thought that Steve could tell Bucky had feelings for him, but then, Steve had known him for a better part of his life then and supported him in everything (no matter how stupid it may have looked at the time. Steve had a moto in life: you won't know if you don't try) and Bucky being gay didn't put Steve off. With time Bucky tried to quell on his feelings and desires. He felt guilty that he jerked off to the thoughts of his best friend, like he was dirtying up their friendship. And Steve was straight (at least as far as their high school discoveries went). Those internal struggles made Bucky stronger and soon he was able to blame his mood swings to the teenage hormones coursing through his body when in reality it was Steve going out with Connie, then with Bonnie and finally starting a relationship with Peggy Carter. The night Bucky learned about that was the first time he got drunk. And cried until he couldn't. Bucky opened his eyes when he felt tears stinging the corners of his eyes. He knew it was bound to happen - the trip down memory lane. After that, their friendship kind of fell to the backburner, Steve went on dates with Peggy and had little to no time for Bucky. Bucky used that spare time to bury himself in his school books. When Steve was 17 his mom died from cancer and even though it was a horrible event, Bucky had his friend back at least. Soon after, Peggy announced that she was leaving to go to college in London, back to her roots. A messy goodbye with lots of promises but Bucky knew nothing would come out of it. Something in Steve broke when Sarah died. Something not even Peggy could help fix it. Bucky sighed. He didn't need to think of the past. It was as it was, they went their different paths, he became a mechanical engineer and Steve went to art school. Then a job opportunity came at him when a renowned gallery from LA loved his drawings so much they asked for him straight away. And it turned out they weren't accepting 'no' for an answer. The second worst hangover Bucky had was the morning after Steve left for LA. It was a bit hurtful when Steve said to Bucky that night, that nothing tied him with Brooklyn anymore. Bucky wanted to yell at him that Steve had him to stay for. But Bucky could not ask that from Steve. It wasn't Steve's fault. And Steve deserved the best and not Bucky holding him back from what he could do once he got his wings. Bucky could move on. He'd done it before. The contact between them was far and few and after a while it was reduced to birthdays and holidays. Steve was always busy and after a while Bucky landed a job with Stark Industries so it wasn't like he could spare time. Then along came Brock. Something that started as a fling and ended up breaking Bucky's heart more than once. Bucky was sure he liked Brock. Maybe even loved him. Never as much as he did Steve but loved him nonetheless. Bucky couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when Brock started acting strange but he was more controlling, never showing too much affection and the periods after Bucky would break up with him until Brock came to ask for forgiveness were longer each time. Bucky tried to erase the image of Brock and Jack out of his mind, but he couldn't. He also knew their last attempt was a desperate cry for help, Bucky's for that matter but he thought he could make things work. Turned out that Brock was stringing him along the whole time. But like Sam said, 'good riddance'. Bucky took a deep breath and checked the clock. He was awake for total of 20 minutes. Steve should be back any minute. Bucky decided that taking a shower wouldn't hurt. ... Clearly the shower was not the greatest idea Bucky had because he forgot he had no clothes with him at Steve's. Luckily he had his phone on the counter. Embarrassing as it was he fired off a text to Steve. Bucky was glad they exchanged numbers last night. An answer came right away like Steve was already back. ‘Second door to the left. Guest room’. Bucky thanked his lucky stars and hurried off to get dressed. Steve developed physically while in high school but he apparently got more buff because the sweater and sweatpants were hanging on Bucky a bit. Or maybe he should hit the gym again and return to his normal weight and gain some muscle. Definitely worth thinking of again but he'd care more about it later. Now he had to face Steve. It smelled of cinnamon and bacon and eggs and toast and Bucky was drawn to the food as a moth was drawn to a flame. "Morning Princess. How was sleep?" "It was good. Really good. So, food?" "Always straight to the point Buck. There is bacon and eggs, toast with butter and cinnamon rolls." "Can I have all?" "Suit yourself. And I suppose both orange juice and coffee." "You know me the best Steve." They spent breakfast in a pleasant silence, enjoying their food. "So listen Steve, I had absolutely a great night and this breakfast is amazing but I gotta go." Steve's face fell and Bucky wondered if it was because he'd planned something for them or something else. "Uh, okay, but we'll see each other again, right?" Bucky nodded with a smile. "Now that I found you again, I'm not letting you go." Steve chuckled and that adorable dimple on his chin appeared. One of the many little things that Bucky loved about Steve. "I gotta work on a project for Monday. I've been slacking off ever since... and I want to get it over with." "It's understandable." Bucky was ready and by the door when he was pulled in a bear hug. He got lost in the embrace. Steve hugged like a koala clinging on a tree. "Still giving the best damn hugs in the world, Rogers." Bucky exclaimed. "I have to keep my reputation." "Thanks." "For what?" "For everything." "Don't mention it, Buck. Always." …

The next few weeks were spent in catching up. What Steve did in LA, other places he visited, his work and all the little details texts and calls couldn't cover. Bucky learned that Tony, his boss and friend was also Steve's friend. How the universe connected Sam and Tony with Steve without Bucky's knowledge was beyond Bucky. It was one week until Steve's birthday and both he and Bucky had a day off. When the offer came to spend the afternoon at Prospect Park and grab a bite afterwards was attractive enough that Bucky agreed immediately. If Bucky was honest with himself, Steve got him at food. It was a nice and sunny summer day. Bucky was enjoying the sun and the slight warm wind while Steve held his end on a small talk and sketching. Bucky always loved seeing Steve in his element. Nature always had that effect on him. "Hey, Steve?" "Hm?" "I wanna ask you something. You don't have to..." "What?" "What made you come back to Brooklyn? I like that you are here again, but it seemed like you were doing well at the gallery. Getting to create your own art. Be yourself." Steve closed his sketch pad and turned to look at Bucky fully. "Pierce, the gallery owner was a bit eccentric." And by bit Steve meant completely. "He was trying to convince me to try and change my style and I didn't want to. We bickered more than agreeing on things. Plus he led things his old fashioned way and for a while things didn't click. We had a big fight. We didn't reach an agreement. That's all." Bucky nodded and seemed like he was trying to understand why. Still something didn't add up. But he figured it was a thing they'd discuss another day.  For now he just let himself enjoy the day with Steve. …

It was another month of texts and Skype sessions before Steve and Bucky had a chance to see each other. Stark made a deal with a company for new metal prosthetics and Bucky was the lead engineer on the project, being it his idea. He barely had time to see the inside of his home (he finally found a decent place at the start of August).

The time he got he devoted to Steve. Bucky didn't know if it was the few times he saw Steve or the fact that Steve was back in his life, but the feelings he had for his best friend started to resurface. Or maybe he was still healing and his broken heart clutched on every safe option. But in the end Bucky came to a realization that he always loved Steve. You truly love only once in your life and all that.

Seeing Steve so live and animated was worth every heartache. Bucky’s eyes were closing and he kept from yawning, only Steve's voice from his laptop speakers kept him from falling face first onto the keyboard. "So this client - she wants to buy this painting and she insists on the price that it's too high, when in fact the painting was not for sale. It’s decoration on the wall and we... Uh Buck, you okay?" "Huh? Wha?" "You look like you are tired." "That's because I am." Bucky couldn't stop the yawn this time. "Why didn't you say so? My thing can wait." "Nah, please go on. I am-" yawn "-awake." "Uh-huh. I can see that. Look, I have a day off tomorrow, so maybe if you can, we can go to lunch?" "Sure. Tony gave me 3 days off. We finally closed this project and he said I deserved a breather. To be honest, I planned to spend 2 days straight on sleeping." "You can still sleep and have lunch with me?" Bucky couldn't say no to that adorable Golden Retriever staring at him. Steve always knew when to use them puppy dog eyes and Bucky fell for them every single time. "Goof." "That means we'll see each other tomorrow, right?" "It's a date." The second those words got out of his mouth, Bucky panicked. He knew he shouldn't talk with Steve when tired. When tired or drunk, Bucky always said things he tried to keep locked inside. "It's a date." Steve grinned. That night Bucky lay in bed, unable to fall asleep. ... Steve was nervous. What should he wear? He knew it was just a lunch with Bucky. And with Bucky he didn't have to put up an image. Bucky had seen him at his worst and wouldn't care even if Steve appeared in sweatpants. But still, Steve was panicking inside for a bit because it was the first time Steve asked Bucky out. It felt like asking out. He was also afraid that he was too eager when Bucky said "it's a date" last night. Fact was, Steve’s feelings not just returned, but intensified. But he had to squash down on those hopes. No way Bucky could feel the same for him as he did for Bucky. Steve schooled his features as he saw Bucky entering in the restaurant. Once Bucky noticed Steve a grin lit his face. They hugged and sat down. "Hey there stranger." Steve joked. "I don't know who the stranger is here, Rogers." Steve had a quip ready when the waitress interrupted them with bringing the menus.

“I'll have hash browns.” Bucky concluded after a moment.

“I'll have the same, thank you.”

The waitress wrote down their order and retreated. They made small talk until their food arrived. Steve telling Bucky about his almost-sale yesterday and Bucky elaborating on the prosthetics he worked on. "I think that it will help vets and accident victims that lost their arm or both arms. It's this metal, vibranium, that gets shaped in the form of the other arm and there is a mechanism that will connect the nerve endings of what's left in the arm to the wires inserted in the prosthetic. You can move it and everything. It's still new, got the idea couple of years ago but started developing it last year. Tony thinks that we can start the trial period. I just have to figure how to make the vibranium lighter. Don't want the prosthetic to weigh more than what the other arm does and to cause more problems than solve them." "That's amazing, Buck. Truly a great idea. I'm sure lots of people can benefit from your research and the end result. Hope you figure it out soon." "Thanks. And the best thing is Tony - he made a deal with the VA in Brooklyn, that we'd give discount to those that can't pay full price for the prosthetic and in case the person is not able to afford it we'd give it for free. That's actually how I met Sam. He volunteers there." "That's wonderful and humble, Bucky!" "It's mostly Tony. My idea with his finances. I think that after he learned what his father's partner did with the weapons... He's trying to redeem himself for letting it happen in front of his eyes." "Yeah, I heard. Too bad it fall all on the Stark company and Tony as one half of the partnership." "Yes. But Tony did good on selling that company and starting his own. I was lucky to get the job when I did." "How did you come up with this idea?" "Curious as always..." Bucky sighed. "Remember that car accident I was in 2 years ago?" "Yes. Why?" "I might have... not told you the full extent of my injuries." "You what?" "I was seriously injured. My left arm was broken in a few places and my shoulder was moved out of the socket. It was a painful and slow healing process. Hurt a lot. What was the worst, for a while I couldn't move the arm. Had to do everything with one arm. So I thought, if I felt like this with my arm at least being attached to my body still - and possibility of getting it back to fully functional - how does it feel to those that don't have it anymore?" Steve looked like something physically hurt him. "I'm okay now, Steve. Don't worry. Have some scarring on my shoulder and chest from the surgery but I'm okay otherwise." "Okay if you say so. But - next time you tell me if something happens. Everything Whatever it is." "Deal."

“I mean it. Don't make me question you.”

“I give you my word.”

“Good.” …

Brock was watching Bucky and the blond with him closely for a while now, only seeing it was Bucky when Bucky laughed at something the guy with him said. Something in Brock stirred then and he got up from the table he sat on, alone. Jack gave him the boot soon after Bucky found them together and now he spent most of his days wandering around and eating in restaurants. Alone. When he saw Bucky it was like he struck gold. Brock decided to make his presence known by going to their table. "Well hello there, Bucky." Bucky froze and he dropped his fork. The loud clatter made Steve carefully place his fork in the plate and look at the man that joined them. Apparently Bucky knew him. "Buck, who's this?" Steve asked calmly. Bucky meant to tell Steve about Brock. He really did. But when their reunion happened it was a fresh wound, one that Bucky didn’t one to talk about. He just delayed the inevitable. Until he didn't think of it anymore. But seeing Brock in the same restaurant where he had lunch with Steve wasn't how Bucky wanted things to happen. And now Steve wanted to know who the guy was. "You are Bucky's new guy, huh? No wonder he ditched me last minute. And here I thought I did something wrong." "Brock..." Bucky didn't dare look at Brock. He was too shocked by Brock's words. "Did he tell you he tends to get back to me? He always does. Don't know what took him so long this time." "You and I both know I won't get back to you!" Bucky spat and finally looked at Brock. He could feel Steve's eyes on him. "We'll see about that. So, Bucky's new fuck buddy, nice to meet you. I'm Brock-" "Fuck off, Rumlow!" Bucky suddenly roared. "Get out! You have no right to come here and barge in on my lunch with whoever I want to go out." "I think that I actually do." "Excuse me?" Bucky heard Steve clear his throat but he was too busy staring at Brock, scared the man will try something. "Let's walk it out, buddy. No need to make a scene." "I am not making a scene, just wanted to-" "Let's walk it out." Steve punctuated the sentence with grabbing Brock by the arm and dragging him out of the restaurant and on the sidewalk. Bucky watched as Steve talked and Brock got more annoyed with every second. And then Steve swung with his fist and landed a punch square on Brock's face. The rest of the people at the restaurant watched in awe. Steve said something else and then got back inside. By that point Bucky started to come down from his shock and the brief adrenaline rush for speaking up to Brock - something he hadn't done before. It was a first and scared him. What if Brock came for him. What if...

"Buck?" Steve's voice sounded like from miles away and not next to him.   "Bucky... pal, what is it?" It's only then that Bucky has moved his head to face Steve. "Yeah, Stevie?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah... I..." Bucky cleared his throat, but the unfocused look into his eyes still present. "I'm okay." Steve didn't say anything after that, but something told him that the guy interrupting their lunch was Bucky's ex. The way he talked about Bucky and assuming Steve was Bucky's "fuck buddy". Steve felt better for punching him. That will teach him not to mess with Bucky. "Serves him right, you know?" "What does?" "You punching him... he deserves it. He's a douche. I just can't believe how was I able to stay with him for so long?" "We can't order our hearts how to feel about someone Buck. It's over now." "But I was so stupid. God knows what shit he's been talking about me and I was with him- What he did-" "Hey," Steve put his hand over Bucky's on the table, rubbing soothing circles over Bucky's wrist, "You are worth more than what that asshole thought you were. You are strong and smart and pretty. You don't need him to feel better about yourself. Those that truly know you for who you are, would not give a damn about what he says about you. His words are a twisted sense of reality. And fuck his opinion on you. It doesn't matter to me Buck." Bucky smiled. It was just a lift on the corners of his mouth, but he smiled nonetheless and Steve counted that as a win. And then: "You think I'm pretty, Stevie?" Steve laughed and that seemed to break the tension.

“From all that I said, that’s the part you stumbled upon?”

…

Bucky poked at his hash browns, trying to finish his meal, but with not much of a success. Instead his eyes moved to Steve's right hand and the red skin of his knuckles. "I think you should put ice on that. It's gonna bruise." "I know. And I will." "Let me get it for ya'. And the check. I think I'm done eating." "Same. But you don't have to. I'll-" But Bucky was off like a shot before Steve finished his sentence. A little off balance but nothing that made Steve worry too much. Natasha, the waitress that served them had ice ready by the time Bucky reached the counter. She smiled politely and handed the ice as Bucky asked for the check. The least he could do was to pay - after what he put Steve through. He thanked Natasha and went back to Steve.

“Put this on your hand.”

“Once a worrier. Always a worrier.”

“I can't help it, Steve. It’s ingrained in me.”

“What do we do now?”

“Take me home? Please? I'm not in the mood for anything else than curling on my couch and watching TV.”

“I can do that.” Steve smiled and as a true gentlemen helped Bucky that was trembling slightly.

“You don't have to.”

“I want to. Where else could I be?”

“Dunno… somewhere.”

“Not leaving you alone, pal.”

Bucky smiled weakly.

“Okay.” …

Bucky placed the keys on the table next to the door and kicked off his shoes before plopping on the couch. Sam managed to find it on a garage sale and the thing was the most comfortable piece of furniture Bucky sat his ass on. It helped that it came in his favorite color - blue - and that there were two blankets and couple of pillows that came with it. "C'mere Steve,” Bucky patted the couch. “What do you want to watch?" "Whatever you want Buck." "Okay then." Bucky flipped through channels to see if there was something interesting and he stumbled upon a rerun of ‘Without a trace’. "Haven't seen this show in ages." "Me either." They settled against each other in comfortable silence and as the episode progressed and the FBI found that the girl lied that Dr. Sardo was her biological mother it was race against time to find them both. Bucky inched closer to Steve and placed his head on Steve's shoulder. Steve in turn moved his arm to envelope Bucky in a half-hug. As the episode ended and the credits rolled, Bucky sighed. "Steve, I want to tell you something." Bucky's voice was barely above a whisper and if Steve wasn't so close he would've missed it. "Yeah? What is it?" "I... about Brock. I know I should've told you before that my ex-boyfriend is... a piece of shit." "It's okay, Buck. You don't have to say anything if you-" "I have to. Because I came to realize that the real reason I was holding back was you." Bucky moved his head off of Steve's shoulder to look at Steve. Steve looked surprised, and his face was one big question mark. "I'll get to that... and I'll understand if you won't want to have ties with me after this." "What's wrong Bucky?" "When I," Bucky took a deep breath "when I first met Brock, he was great. Charming, lovely. Someone I could see myself being in a relationship with. He was attentive. Took me to dinner a few games. There were even dates that he whipped out of the blue. I worked at a hardware store before the Stark gig and he'd come there at night. Walk me home. I fell for him. Hard." It was difficult for Bucky to get it out. The way his life seemed to be on the upside one moment and the next it was a giant snowball rolling down a mountain hitting a tree. "It lasted for a while. Before he started acting strange. He worked as a security. Freelance. Started picking odd jobs, coming home bloody and bruised. I had to patch him up." Steve smiled sadly. "Sounds familiar." "Yeah, but that's where the similarities end. You always picked fights to help people that actually needed it. Brock picked fights for those with deeper pockets." "You said..."

“He worked as a security at first, yeah. But while he lied to me it was low security job I learned from someone close to Brock that he was actually roughing up guys that couldn't pay the racket a mob boss wanted from them." "Jesus." "I confronted him. He said it was a lie. I yelled. It ended bad. I left. After a week, he came banging on Sam's door at 2 am. Smelled of cheap booze." "God, Bucky." "He pleaded with me. He promised he won't do it again. I believed him." "Shit." "Yeah... And the second time. And the third. Don't know why... I used to tell myself that it's because people change so maybe he'd go back to that gentleman I fell in love with?" Steve sucked in a sharp breath. To hear Bucky loving someone else than him stung more than every scrape and bruise he got. "I'm not anymore. I think that seeing him today at the restaurant proved that to me. That I fell in love with him right when he started lying to me, and gave empty promises. I gave him so many opportunities Steve..." "What happened Buck?" "He cheated on me. With one of his buddies. I caught them in our bed."

“What?!” Steve was furious. He was ready to go find Brock and give him more than just a punch. "That motherfucker! Why didn't you tell me Buck? You know I... Hell, I wanna beat him so bad. How could he do that to you." Bucky chuckled and shook his head. "It's not worth it." "You are worth it. Everything." "Well he fucked me up. Made me feel like I am not enough for him. Because he found someone else easily..." "God, Bucky." "But, I'm okay now. And maybe, I like to think that what happened between me and Brock and meeting you at that bar - that it was fate." "What are you talking about, Buck?" "Promise me you'll hear me out before... Before you make a decision." "But I don't-" "Promise me?" Steve looked at Bucky. His eyes held so many emotions, and Steve couldn't read most of it. But something in his voice sounded important. Pleading. "I promise." "You remember when I came out?" "Yes." "Remember when I told you that this boy I knew made me realize that I am not straight. Girls didn't do a thing for me Stevie. But this boy - all the fire in his eyes and soul, the spirit. He was small, but with a big heart. The most beautiful golden hair and blue eyes. My best friend." Bucky closed his eyes tight. He wasn't gonna cry. He was not! "What...? Bucky?" "It was you Steve. The boy that made me realize I was gay, it was you. I've loved you since I was 15." "10 years?" Steve opened his mouth and when nothing came out of it, he closed it. Bucky opened his eyes. He willed himself not to waver, holding Steve's eyes with his. "I know what you'll say. You are straight, and I'm your best friend, but the only person I loved my whole life is you. I tried to bury it inside. It hurt so much. To see you flirt with one girl, then another. You may have been small but girls were all over you. You were my Steve but I had to share you with them." "Oh Bucky..." Steve was on the verge of tears himself. "Let me finish, please? Today's encounter with Brock made me realize that I could love again. Another person. But never as much as you. You'll be the first and last. And even if I never have you... I'll manage. I did well until now, right?" Bucky smiled and tried not to gasp as he felt his heart tearing itself on half. "The night you took Peggy on a date I got drunk. Cried so hard I made myself sick. Your mom... she found me in the bathroom, throwing up. Asked me what's wrong. I felt so wrong. So dirty. But I had to tell someone." Steve blinked rapidly but to no avail. A tear slid down his cheek. "She... she told me it's not wrong. And that you loved me too. But I knew that she was just trying to make me feel better. I was a mess." Bucky took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I put all of this on you. Really am. But it's been a long time and the last few months just proved to me that I can't keep it inside anymore." "That's why you looked like a kicked puppy the night I left for LA. When I said I didn't have anything else to tie me to Brooklyn anymore." Bucky nodded unable to speak. "Buck? Look at me." Bucky did. "I wasn't entirely too honest with you about why I returned to Brooklyn. Part of the reason was the disagreement I had with Pierce. The other part... the stronger pull - this person that will always have that effect on me... you Buck. I came back for you." Bucky choked on a sob, unable to hold anymore. It was a rollercoaster of a day. "I've loved you since forever Buck. I thought you'd never see me as more than your best friend." "We are idiots." Bucky managed to choke of before he tried to calm his breathing and wipe tears clumsily. "Yes... I guess we are." ... Another rerun of "Without a trace" ended as Bucky snuggled deeper in Steve's embrace. After they cried their souls out, they cleaned up and returned on the couch. Bucky was not able to do much more than sit and take it all in. He did something brave today. He confessed his love to Steve. And to know Steve felt the same... it was too much. Bucky needed time to process it all. For now he was content in Steve's embrace, listening to his heartbeat. The breaths that came like short gasps evening out. He could stay like this forever. "Buck?" "Hmmm?" "Can I kiss you?" Bucky figured that with all cards open between them both it was the least they could do. "Yes, I'd like that." Steve moved his hand from Bucky's waist. Carding his fingers through Bucky's hair his hand rested on Bucky's jaw. Bucky tilted his head, smiling Steve met him halfway through. The second their lips met, Bucky felt electricity coursing through his body. God, did Steve know how to kiss. Licking at the seams of Bucky's lips, Steve probed with his tongue as Bucky opened up and let Steve lead the tempo. It all ended too soon but Steve needed to take a breath before he kissed Bucky again. Bucky melted. The second kiss was even better than the first and if this was the beginning he couldn't wait to know how the rest of Steve's kisses would feel on him. "I love you Buck." "Love you, Stevie. I think it's long overdue." "Yeah. But we have all the time in the world. I'll never get tired from saying that I love you." "Me either." Steve's stomach decided it was the perfect time for it to growl. They both laughed. …

Eating take out lead to more kisses and a makeout session on the couch. It was like neither Steve nor Bucky could get enough of the other. Bucky suggested they move to the bed. Steve raised a questioning eyebrow and Bucky whacked him with a pillow then told him he planned on full on cuddling with his boyfriend. Similar to that night at Steve's when Steve borrowed Bucky some of his clothes, Bucky gave Steve sweatpants and a t shirt that he deemed good enough to pass for sleep wear. Steve looked at the t shirt that had a picture of koala on it. He smiled softly. "What?" Bucky enquired. "Nothing... just remembered that obsession you had with stuffed bears as a kid. Well bears in general." "I still do..." Bucky blushed as he changed himself in a t shirt that had a polar bear on it. "Where are they?" "I... didn't take much when I moved out with Brock. Now that I think of it, I don't know what he's done with my stuff." "We can go get them together. In my opinion, if there's still some part of the person he was before all this? He hasn't touched anything." "Thank you, Steve." "Always." ... In the morning Bucky woke up with Steve draped all over him. One look at the man he gave his heart to, long before today, and Bucky felt warm and fuzzy, full of life and love, a new hope on the horizon.

Bucky got all that he wanted and needed right there with him. And it was enough.

...

[lids-flutter-open]

Content warning: some spoilers, reference to author’s weird obsession with young trans girls’ genitalia and to sexual assault committed against main character

Basic boring and bad things about this book include:

⁃ all dialogue scenes are long and bland; there is no banter that is funny

⁃ The same points are hammered on again and again for hundreds of pages : again, Lily’s dad thinks hormone blockers are too expensive and she should be a boy. Again, Dunkin is afraid of his mental health issues. Again, Lily is called a slur and is upset. Again, Dunkin wishes he were braver than he is. There isn’t a lot of dynamic action.

⁃ Lily gets deadnamed in the cover flap of the book and in the family tree in the front of the book

⁃ Parents are one dimensional, either harmful or benevolent

⁃ Tween children never have violent or angry thoughts unless they are bullies, and politely respect adult rules

⁃ There isn’t any payoff to Lily standing up for what she believes in re: her tree, not even solidarity from other activists, sending kids the message that it is meaningless to protest things that are wrong

⁃ Dare, Lily’s best friend, is one dimensional and never emerges as an independent character, which sucks more because Dare is black . Dare only acts as an emotional support for Lily. Her own motivations and passions never fully emerge. She uses spurts of AAVE once in a while but her lived experiences as a black kid in south Florida do not come up.

⁃ Something that annoys me all the time in melodramatic kids’ books like this is where characters say something and then repeat the same thing with more emphasis on a separate line in a punchier way, such as : “(line break)I don’t say anything. (Line break) I never say anything.” This happens what seems like once every two to four pages. It disrupts the flow of the narrative

⁃ Kids lack agency and their resolutions come from adults changing their behavior , which doesn’t leave young readers much to go on in dealing with similar struggles

Aside from all that :

There are many things about this book that do more harm than good in terms of impact to the groups the book is supposed to advocate for. These can be roughly sorted into Trans Stuff and Mental Health stuff. First, let me get into the trans stuff.

First , technically speaking: a thirteen year old seeking hormone blockers will typically need to suffer through several quite arduous conversations with parents and psychologists and psychiatrists before accessing them. With the dawn of informed consent practices, this has changed a little, but the questions that Lily’s kind psychologist ask her barely touch the basics of what trans kids typically are asked to talk about in therapy. Additionally, we never see Lily or her parents learning any more details about her hormone blockers at the endocrinologist—essential details, such as the fact that their effects are reversible, that their side effects aren’t known to be substantially negative , that there aren’t yet many studies on their long term use. Even if Lily didn’t understand all that info, as a trans kid she would absorb at least a little of it. Additionally, I feel like her parents would talk to her more about their understanding of what trans people are or go through, with articles about detransition, etc —and Lily would counter with her own knowledge. The absence of any of this simplifies trans experience down far beyond even the most basic Oprah special and makes accessing hormones and blockers seem both easier and less involved /reflective a process than it actually is.

Another really major issue I have with this novel about an eighth grader is that Gephart seems obsessed with Lily’s body and specifically her genitalia. I cannot even count how many times the word “penis” appears in this book in reference to Lily, in what is otherwise quite a G rated book. Cis adults often fixate constantly on trans kids and their bodies and genitals and fertility in a way I find really creepy, and Gephart has continued this trend with an exuberance that makes me want to keep all young trans girls faaaar away from her. The fact that she has Lily undergo a demeaning public sexual assault from bullies in her class in a way that doesn’t at all serve the plot underscores how much Gephart is obsessed with young trans women’s bodies. While Dunkin also has issues with puberty, experiencing insecurity about his height and weight and hairiness, his sexual privacy is respected and we get no hint he even has sexual organs at all—I assume the cis characters in Gephart’s other stories get the same treatment. Meanwhile, we hear over and over again about Lily’s pubic hair, genitals, and fears concerning what will happen to them if she doesn’t get on puberty blockers. It is her main personal arc (seeing as the save-the-tree arc doesn’t start until a good 100+ pages into the text). While real young trans girls have a number of fears and passions having to do with school, hobbies, friends, etc , lily is almost completely absorbed by the author’s fetish for her body. She talks constantly about her “stupid boy chest”, her narrow hips, and a range of other body parts she hates and wants to alter. In a cis girl puberty book, this would lead to a conclusion where Lily realizes she maybe looks kinda cool as is, in the liminal state that is adolescence, but not here. Which brings me to another point —most trans kids never go on hormone blockers. They’re really expensive ! Parents who support their kids can’t necessarily afford this care, and many trans kids also come out after their first puberty. This book communicates, via Lily’s attitude and her mom’s attitude and everyone’s panic about Lily’s body, that non-puberty-blocked trans kids will have transitioned “too late” and be forever marred by hair, height, bone structure, etc. This perspective is a really ugly cis-normative one. It is based in the idea that trans people and especially trans women must look as much like cis people as possible, must know their intent from childhood, and must commit themselves to expressing hatred of their bodies and (violent) intent to alter them into something more socially pretty and socially acceptable.

What really makes trans kids safe is acceptance and support and emotional connections regardless of appearance and hormone desire/hormone access. Hormone blockers are Not bad, and I support kids getting them, but neither are they universal or necessary to live as a happy trans person.

Lily never experiences anyone telling her that in this book, and doesn’t meet trans women older than her who have had different experiences with transition trajectory who could advocate for her while also clarifying that Lily’s path isn’t the only one. This book is a cis mom’s vision of perfect medical transition —syrupy and gender-conforming and girlie and with a stamp of medical approval that ignores and disdains the experiences of trans kids and adults unable or unwilling to access early medical transition. It’s unnecessary and directly harmful. Trans people usually experience dysphoria, but many of us learn through practice and community that the ways we are special and unique are beautiful, that our medically altered adult bodies are cool, and that we don’t need to obsessively conceal our differences in order to be gorgeous and lovable. Gephart is determined to undermine such efforts, which sucks for cis readers too. I think we should all realize by now that standards of bodily appearance that oppress trans people also oppress gender nonconforming cis women and girls and nonconforming boys (at one point lily thinks : “I am not a fag, I am a girl!” What does that say to gay boys and butch girls?)

Second : mental health stuff.

Just as Gephart wishes to do away with the complicated other-ness of being trans, she also skips over the factual realities of being a young teenager with bipolar disorder. For one, diagnosis of bipolar in a thirteen year old is pretty rare. Having bipolar that young is also usually traumatic, in addition to being precipitated by stressful events—such as a death. Dunkin’s freakouts are understandable, but the narrative treats them as a major problem without explaining why and treats Dunkin’s bipolar as a frightening and slowly encroaching monster rather than a set of symptoms rising out of genetic predisposition plus life circumstances and maladaptive coping mechanisms. It dehumanizes him to treat his bipolar like this. Dunkin naturally resists the heavy level of control exerted over him by doctors —scenes of him skipping medications out of a sense that they hold him back are among the most realistic in the book. Similarly, the lack of communication and punitive attitude of doctors is also something many teens encounter when seeking care for mental health issues. These things could be addressed in text by Dunkin having a conversation with his mom and seeking a psych that makes him feel more comfortable or working on his own level of trust in her and her affirmations of what reality is. But they don’t talk. Gephart would rather teens blithely submit to treatment from doctors who call them the wrong name and be adequately sedated for the comfort of the adults around them —even though many antipsychotics and mood stabilizers don’t work well or work long term for large portions of the population and can cause negative side effects, and finding the right drugs requires hearing feedback from patients and often several trials of different drugs plus behavioral therapy etc.

A major issue for me is that Dunkin’s father —a man who also has bipolar—is cast as almost wholly incompetent and crazy and Bad with a capital B as a parent. Likewise, Dunkin’s mental illness is treated like a dark mystery for most of the book, and its slow reveal becomes an exhibitionist sort of revelry in how crazy he is acting —which isn’t how books about bipolar teens should treat this issue. Mental illness being the bogeyman makes people more afraid to get diagnoses or deal with symptoms and makes it easier for people to deny that there is a problem if they have less extreme symptoms.

While bipolar and other illnesses can ruin lives and cause families to hurt, it sucks that Gephart chooses to frame mentally ill adults as both totally irresponsible and totally doomed with no nuance and frames the medical industrial complex as a stern but ultimately benevolent force in Dunkin’s life that protects him from himself. Psychiatrists can help people access needed care, but just like Dunkin’s psych, they can also alienate and scare people. Especially for teens, psych facilities can cause trauma on their own, especially for kids of color or kids dealing with other issues like grief. They are sometimes the least of all evils, but Gephart treats doctors like saviors. Kids growing up with bipolar need to know adults who struggle with the same symptoms and to practice self reflection and engagement with communities of mutual advocacy and need to understand the various factors that can exacerbate symptoms and interrupt their lives. They don’t need to be told to shut up and take the pills doctors give them and to trust people in high places. They get that from other people.

Basically, Gephart has stuck her nose into two issues that do need representation but which she doesn’t adequately understand, and the result is patronizing hogwash in book form . Skip !

[ecofinisher]

¡Vamos a España! - Chap 23

Chapter 23

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29442912/chapters/75071736

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13819897/23/Vamos-a-Espa%C3%B1a

https://www.wattpad.com/1049927799-%C2%A1vamos-a-espa%C3%B1a-chapter-23

Rollan ran out of the labyrinth along with Marina and a third man heading toward a wall, then he jumped against the wall to climb it up, followed by the girl and both jumped down at the sand under the wall, then finished the run at the start line, which was tagged with a rope.

„I‘ve noticed…...we‘re getting better,“ Marina puffed tired from the race around the parkour. „What about you? Did you notice anything,“

„Uh perhaps the endurance?“ Rollan mentioned shrugging his shoulders. „Or what‘s more right is the obstacle run and that I‘m now more focused on it. On the other hand, the obstacles are the same so you got used to it on how it works now,“

„Yes they are, but hey you could practice a few moves which could be helpful out there. Didn‘t it help you out to catch that one criminal at the harbor lieutenant Roberto spoke about?“

„Yes, but I feel like there could be more,“ Rollan commented, then watched Lieutnaunt Roberto come along with a jar filled with water and a few cups hanging by its handle on his fingers, then waited for Pastor to arrive along with another man on the finish line.

„Come and take another bit of water. Under the sun right now you should all drink more, it doesn‘t matter if you need to go to pee more often. It‘s the best for you all right now during training,“ Roberto explained watching the students take a cup, then he pours out water to them all, so they could take a sip.

„That‘s what I really needed right now,“ Pastor commented taking a sip, making Rollan chuckle along with Marina.

„We all need it. At least I do that too. I‘m beginning to have another headache again,“ Rollan commented and threw a bit of water onto his forehead to get cooled a little.

„I know what you mean,“ The girl agreed to empty her whole cup into her mouth, then held the cup out again for the lieutenant to fill it again.

„Depending on how I feel afterward I may go take a swim at the beach to cool my entire body down,“ Rollan mentioned making Pastor and a few men nod.

„That would be a good idea,“ The raven-haired boy agreed.

„About that, I‘m going to mention it later. Just waiting for the rest of the group to get back here,“ Roberto spoke and poured again water into Rollan‘s cup and two other men. „I‘ll go get another one,“ Roberto mentioned as he had filled the last cup with water and walked back.

„I have heard back in the labyrinth Rinaldo had found a shortcut due to a misplaced wall, which he could push aside to let people pass through,“ Pastor mentioned. „Has anyone noticed that?“

„No, not at all,“ Marina responded.

„I have no idea,“ Rollan added. „I assumed it only had one solution,“

„It still does though,“ Pastor commented, then Roberto came back with more water and the rest of the group got together, including Enrico and Ernesto.

„Totally forgot our team looks smaller now without the others,“ A man mentioned earning a nod from another student as the team was now complete.

„Yes Juan, next week we will see who else will leave before we continue. Now that I see you‘re all here. I wanted to announce to you, tomorrow at 3 right after the end of our lessons, we move out all toward the beach to practice there on the sand. We will additionally swim a few rounds there, jog and box there in and outside of the water. Sounds like an easy task, but soon you‘ll notice it‘s not as easy as it seems,“

„It is easy, Senor,“ One young adult said making a few men laugh.

„Can‘t wait to see you try tomorrow, Samuel,“ Roberto commented making the boy smirk confident. „The other group is informed and will be present on the other side of the beach, so we‘re not bothering other visitors a lot,“

„One more question, will we be there for the rest of the lessons?“ Questioned Samuel earning a nod from the lieutenant.

„Yes. That means, when we‘re over, you can go directly home without a problem. So I would suggest you take your stuff when we head back to the beach,“ Roberto commented. „That‘s it for now boys, come and take your last laps, before it‘s time to go,“ Announced the lieutenant seeing four men depart, leaving the rest of the group back, then Rollan approached Pastor and nudged him with his hand on his arm.

„Pastor, remember in the break as I mentioned you, how you feel about mistakes from the past?“ Rollan asked making the boy nod. „Imagine, you had done something terrible and…….you don‘t remember doing it?“

„Hmm…...this is a good question…..did you drink too much beer?“ Questioned Pastor making Rollan shake his head. „How long is that terrible mistake ago?“

„About a year,“ Rollan commented, then noticed fewer students pass forward to enter the parkour and he noticed his former bullies in the near and began to ponder about continuing his conversation. „Nevermind, I‘ll talk to you about this another day, when no one else is around us,“

„Oh okay, don‘t worry. I‘m around Alicante or the fish market if you really need someone to talk to,“ Pastor assured earning a nod from Rollan.

„Thank you,“ Rollan responded watching the boy smile and hold his fist up, earning a smile from the raven-haired Spaniard, which took up his arm too, folding his hand into a fist to bump it against it.

At the beach, Orm and Gerda sat together the at the edge of a stone hill, which belonged behind a large coast covered in sand. The two friends watched in serenity the small waves on the water move making a relaxing sound.

„I have to admit, it‘s quite soothing to listen to the water when everything else is quiet,“ Confessed the troll earning a nod from the girl, that sat beside him. „I don‘t think during the day the humans have that much chance to be able to listen to this,“

„They‘re more entertained with the bathing or in hanging out with friends and family out on the beach, that no one else is going to pay attention to it. It might also be a little loud to listen to it when you‘re at the moment talking with everyone else,“

„I believe that,“ Orm nodded, then heard Gerda sight enamored at the sight to the water.

„The nights here at the beach are so warm. I could imagine taking a nap right here on the sand,“ Gerda mentioned making Orm nod.

„Would not be such a bad idea,“ Orm stated. „We‘re safe from crabs or any other sort of animals during this time, right?“

„No idea,“ Gerda commented. „There are worse things to worry about. On the other hand, we could always sleep up in the ship like we always did,“

„We can see that later when we‘re all together again. It can also be each to his own. If some sleep here and the rest on the ship, if it‘s going to be like that“

„Yes,“ Gerda replied watching Orm lie back on the hill and adjust his right leg over the left one.

„Tomorrow…..Alfida hasn‘t set a departure time to leave, right?“

„Not that I know,“

„Just wondering, didn‘t Alfida speak something about a tower, that was located near the waters?“ Orm recalled making Gerda shrug her shoulders.

„Oh wait I think I remember. She mentioned, the tower was located out of Lisbon, but it‘s in the near,“ Gerda vouched. „She hasn‘t actually said anything about it yet. Just that eventually, we could pass by before leaving Portugal for good,“

„Okay, then it will be what…….14 hours until we‘re in Alicante, more or less?“ Orm guessed making Gerda shrug her shoulders.

„Probably around that,“

„We will see then,“ Orm replied, then watched Gerda stretch her arms to yawn and she took out a sheet from the Interieur of her vest and opened it, earning Orm‘s attention, which had an idea, what the sheet was. „Did Rollan send you a message again?“

„Yeah I just didn‘t make it to answer the letter yet,“ Gerda explained. „He wrote that he was happy to know we were taking our time to get to know a few places and that your cousins are fine under his and his mother‘s hands. They even took the boys out at night to grill sausages together. Look they even signed the sheet with their handprint,“ Gerda showed the letter to Orm so he would see the marks.

„What is he saying down there in Spanish? I only understood the second word,“ The troll asked making the girl chuckle.

„I haven‘t figured out the world dulce yet, but I think that means sweet or cute. The full sentence may mean I love you a lot, my sweet love. With love, Rollan,“

„Tomorrow you two will see each other again and you can ask him that,“

„I‘m glad to be able to see him again and see how his hometown is like,“ Gerda commented. „Have you any idea how it could look like?“

„I don‘t know,“ Orm responded shrugging his shoulder. „Must have many houses there,“

„Wow I never thought of that,“ Gerda joked making Orm snicker.

„I‘m beginning to like that on you too,“ Orm confessed making Gerda grin.

„Alfida‘s comments are the best ones, but you‘ve seen her growing up her entire life around pirates, which made her rough,“ Gerda explained earning a nod from the troll.

„Indeed, but with the time she got older, she got…..calmer. She still has those moments, but it‘s what makes her who she is,“

„Uh hum,“ Gerda nodded and lied back on the hill, then widened her eyes as she observed the shark-themed airship fly above them, taking a turn to approach the top of the hill to stop. „Great, Kai and Alfida are back,“ Gerda mentioned watching Kai throw out of the ship a rope, then jumped out of it with another rope and waited for Alfida to throw a hammer, therefore he used the hammer to fasten the rope attached on a wooden pier on the earth surface.

„Kai is really becoming an expert after those days we‘ve been out here,“ The troll mentioned making Gerda nod.

„I believe he did it once or twice before we all went together here on this trip. Just now he‘s more present to have the chance to do it,“ Gerda pointed out watching the friend mirror her previous response and the two raven-haired teens at the ship slid down the hill and made their way towards the two sitting friends carrying a small paper bag in their hands.

„Hey you two, open your hands up immediately. We‘ve brought hot Chorizo rolls. It‘s delicious as heck,“ Alfida warned stopping by the two friends opening the back, so Kai took out two wrapped-in breads and gave them to Orm and Gerda.

„They‘re still warm,“ Gerda commented earning a nod from her brother.

„Yeah, eat it before it gets cold,“ Kai warned watching Orm remove the paper off his roll and took a bit on it.

„Wow, that‘s good,“ Orm mumbled followed by Gerda taking a bite on hers, then nodded.

„It really is. Thanks,“ Gerda commented, then Alfida sat down next to her along with Kai.

„So, what are you planning to do for the next few hours? Sleep?“ Alfida asked making Gerda shrug her shoulders.

„Orm and I already discussed, where we could sleep. Wouldn‘t it be interesting to sleep on the warm sand?“ Gerda suggested making Alfida shrug her shoulders.

„It‘s not such a bad idea. I just don‘t want to leave my ship up there alone. I‘m not really expecting someone to rob us, but still, it would be safe if one or two of us would be up there,“ Alfida said. „You can all be here if you want. I‘ll be up there on the ship,“

„I‘ll be here with Gerda and Orm tonight,“ Kai offered looking at the two friends.

„In case you don‘t want to be alone, I can come up with you, if you want,“ Orm offered earning a nod from the pirate girl.

„Thanks for your offer,“ The raven-haired girl answered observing the troll eat the meat roll.

 Soon all had fallen asleep, except for Kai, which sat looking at the ocean with a smile feeling amused by the movement of the waves, then he looked up at the ship, where Alfida was spending the night. Kai yawned, then rubbed his eyes and looked to the side, where Orm was sleeping with his face turned against the left side and Gerda was lying straight on her back and had on her hand a folded sheet, which was the letter of her boyfriend. Kai caressed his sister gently on her arm, then pecked her on the forehead and got up, then moved further on the sand towards the ship, then used the rope-made ladder to climb up onto the ship of his girlfriend.

Kai looks around the deck to see nowhere around and walked toward the cabin, to enter it to spot Alfida sleep on the hammock peacefully. Kai approached the girlfriend and smiled from seeing her sleeping, then looked away shyly. He stepped aside to walk to go to the other hammock across the room, then took off his jacket and heard Alfida groan and he looked back at her to see her move aside having her back turned against him. Kai smiled enchanted, then had an idea and used his jacket to cover up the girlfriend, adjusting it around her. Kai leaned his face close to her cheeks to peck her and moved back watching her sleep. Kai sighed enamored with the girl and walked backward still watching the sleeping pirate-descendant girl reaching the other side of the cabin. Suddenly he trips over a book, that lied on the ground and he falls on top of the hammock, which due to Kai‘s fall moved up letting Kai fell on his front. 

„Ahhh!“ Cried the boy during th fall scaring the girlfriend awake.

„What…..who‘s there? What‘s going on?“ Alfida shouted getting up, palpating on top of the barrel looking for her gun, then she saw the person on the ground and realized it was just her boyfriend. „Kai? What are you doing there on the ground…...and why is your jacket on the ground?“ Alfida commented picking the jacket up, she hadn‘t noticed over her before.

„I secretly covered you seconds ago before I fell,“ Kai responded, then got helped up by the girlfriend. „The part of not waking you up didn‘t work as it seems,“

„That‘s sweet Kai. You didn‘t need to do that,“

„I know, I just felt the need to do it,“ Kai confessed making Alfida chuckle.

„I see that,“ Alfida commented watching Kai feel slightly a bit abashed. „You‘re staying here for the night?“

„If you‘re okay with it,“ Kai responded making Alfida nod. „Tomorrow we‘re getting up early you say, right?“

„Maybe,“ Responded Alfida. „It doesn‘t matter to me. In anyways we will need to find Rollan‘s house and later on, if we‘re going to get them back, we‘ll need to find a good timing to not catch any attention by other citizens,“

„Will Orm be present during that?“

„We‘ll see it then. So far I know, the cubs also listen to Gerda. To Rollan I assume they‘re doing the same, so far we got this from Gerda‘s letters. The best thing is to see it there when we meet us all again,“

„Alright, sounds easier to wait,“

„Exactly,“ Alfida agreed, then Kai adjusted the hammock before lying up in it, afterward the girlfriend got up onto her hammock too and looked at Kai, which took a look out from the window at the ocean. „The sight of the ocean from above here isn‘t as beautiful as it was down there. Have you noticed it too?“

„Yeah, you‘re right,“ Alfida confessed placing her arms behind her head. „You know, during my entire life as a sea pirate, I‘ve seen many beautiful things around the world, anyone of you probably don‘t even know about it,“

„Must have been cool,“ Kai said earning a nod from the girl.

„You know, in the future when we get one of these chances again, we both could really travel the world together and see what the world has to offer more. Wouldn‘t that be cool?“

„Is this possible for us?“ Kai asked making Alfida shrug her shoulders.

„Not sure how high the possibility is for us, but it‘s definitely a great plan for us two,“ Alfida mentioned earning a nod from Kai.

„You know what? We should start to plan this out together and maybe when we‘re 20 or older we could go out together and see the world. It‘s a good idea if we plan it good enough,“

„I‘ve got most of the books about various destinations. We can even get some from my mom and begin to plan it one day, then when we‘re ready…..We just depart,“ Announced the girl making the boyfriend nod.

„Brilliant, this is going to be amazing Alfida. Just the two of us,“ Kai said making Alfida nod pleased about her boyfriend‘s excitement.

„I‘m glad about it, Kai,“ Alfida confessed putting the boy‘s jacket over herself, then watched Kai took off his shoes and adjust his legs on the hammock. „Good night, Kai,“

„Good night Alfida. Have a good sleep,“ Kai wished making the girl smile and close her eyes followed by the boy, which closed his eyes as he yawned at the same moment to try to fall asleep.

[dsmroleplay]

#ComingHome #DSM #RoswellNM #RP Part 3

Written by: @RoswellAlec @RoswellBadboy_   @BodaciousBiomed @OfAlienDNA

(Jesse Manes ghosted by Michael): (Jesse Manes ghosted.) -Phase one of the plan had been completed. Alex was secure and on his way to the location that had been prepped. If Jesse could get Michael to demonstrate his powers then he’d put him in lock up. Knowing he could manipulate his son into keeping control on Michael. Alex hadn’t proved himself as a Mane’s man yet, but he hoped once he saw this alien for what he really was he’d understand why he’d pushed so hard. But even if he didn’t they’d still have a new test subject and then he could round up the other two.

Arriving at the drop site they hauled Alex’s limp body from the back of the vehicle and carried him to the barren slap of concrete and chained him to it. One of the men held Alex while the other delivered a few blows to his face. The others looked on not liking how this was going down. The attacker gave his fellow team members a dirty look. “The boss said to make it look real! Besides this gay asshole needs to be taught a lesson he makes all of us look bad!” Jesse was watching the entire scenario and he didn’t disagree with the man who’d took initiative. Snipers with tranquillizer rounds were cloaked in the distance along with a few who were equipped with real ammo rounds in case things went sideways.

The text was made to Michael’s phone number. Giving coordinates, the message read “We’ve got your lover boy and if you want him to live show up alone.” The message was sent directly from Alex’s phone and they had someone watching Michael’s to make sure he did what was expected. ::::::::::::::: Liz: Liz was busy in her lab, working hard to finish her task for the day so she could get home at decent hour.

Things had been getting even crazier in Roswell and everyone had been working hard and long hours to lately. At about 12, she stopped for lunch and shoved down the sandwich she’d packed this morning.

After lunch she continued working, making good progress on her research. She sighed and stood up from where she was stooped over her microscope. She stretched, trying to work out the kinks in her neck and back.

As she stood in her lab she suddenly had a bad feeling. Something was wrong and she had a terrible feeling it had to do with her friends, Alex and Michael. ::::::::::::::: Michael: -Michael had went back to working on the transmission he needed to get done, he always felt better doing something especially under a lot of stress. His heart had sank as Alex had been adamant about facing his father and alone. Michael knew how capable Alex was but he still felt very protective. Jesse Manes could be a cruel and mean son of a bitch and Michael didn’t put anything past him.

Alex never talked about what happened as a kid growing up but it obvious he’d suffered not only physically but mentally. The night Jesse had caught them together in the shed Michael was truly scared for Alex’s life. The look on the man’s face was not that of a father, atleast not what Michael would consider a father even though he’d never had a real one. Even after all these years he still had nightmares about that night. Things had played out differently and he was screaming over and over but he couldn’t get to Alex in time. By the time he didn’t Alex was always gone and he was left with his hands covered in blood and Jesse Manes standing over them. He would always wake up as he swung that hammer at him and it would take awhile before he realized it was just a nightmare.

A “ding” sounded and Michael picked up a grease rag wiping his hands as he picked up the phone. Taken aback he leaned against car he was working on to stay standing. Please let these be a bad joke, but his gut told him it wasn’t. This was Jesse Manes he knew it and he was going to kill the bastard if he hurt Alex again. So pissed off everything around him started to rise into the air and rattle, his bottle of beer bursting from the crushing affect his powers  caused in the air around him.

-Texting Max- “He’s got Alex, I need you now. These are the coordinates they sent. I’m gonna kill him!” Sending the message he pocketed his phone and got into his truck burning rubbing and flipping a bitch in the sand heading out leaving a  whirling dust trail behind him.- ::::::::::::::: Alex: With the noise of the generator, the room was a silent concrete box. It could be anywhere. For all, he knew he could be deep underground, in some random room in an isolated prison or in someone's personal cell. Above the only source of light was an old fashioned bulb on a bare  white wire and its switch were nowhere to be seen. There was something amateurish about the way the concrete walls had been set. The angles weren't quite right and there was a roughness to the texture. That in itself ruled out quite a lot of places and potential abductors. Alex laid on the stone-cold table with his broke body his wrists and ankles bonded in the chains.  Pulling against his restraint With one of his eye closed with the bruising and swelling. He struggled to see who these men were but he heard a voice he knew was his father. Sergeant Major Manes. His mind wonder to his early days when he would be torture by him as a child and as a teenager from not being his perfect child. Being locked up in the cupboard under the stairs in their family home.  

Sending chills down my back bring him back to this, I exhaled through my nose in frustration. Him staring at me silently, as if debating whether to electrocute me like last time or something worse. ” what is your problem with me Dad. Why are you doing this to me is this a punishment to show how big a man you are? In front of your goons? ” Jesse walked close to his son and punching into his son many times in his face and into his abdominal.  Alex couldn't do anything but crunch his body and grinded my teeth against his fists. His mind wondered to his happy place in thinking of Michael. Taking his assault. When Jesse grabbed him by the hair, banking his head up. When he could see his cellphone laying on a sideboard. Alex spat some blood into his father face ”Guess what Dad you are nothing other than a bully. You may break my body but you won't break my spirit in me. ” ::::::::::::::: -As Michael pulled up to the location he got out and looked around there was another vehicle parked here it was military. His heart sank, there was no telling what Jesse had planned but he thought to himself he probably wouldn't survive this. If he showed his abilities they'd kill him for sure or cut him up on a table somewhere to see what he was made of, which for Alex he didn't mind dying for. But if he used his powers it would give the military something to search for and of course, that would lead them right back to Max and Isobel. He sent another text to Max "Jesse took Alex and I'm afraid this isn't going to end well. Tell Isobel to behave and keep an eye on you for me." He pushed send and then he got an idea if Max wasn't picking up there was nothing he could do so he called 911 and gave them the location telling them that Alex Manes had been kidnapped and he'd found his location and needed help.

Telling the dispatcher he thought Alex's father was behind the abduction and that he was acting irrational and that Michael thought he'd suffered a mental breakdown. Atleast someone would come and with all the military around here they'd seen PTSD and guys lose it before so hopefully, Alex would be safe. He knew they'd send everyone and no way Jesse could not let Alex go with a report like that, they'd have to do a lot of covering up to hide it because you had people listening to scanners, etc. Saying a silent prayer Michael went closer and as he could to the bunker door two guys carrying guns emerged. He put his hands up and they escorted him inside.-

[celticnoise]

Last night, at Perth, the teams wore their support for Show Racism The Red Card, in the same week that Club 1872 demanded, and got, a sit down with the organisation. Their agenda was not to promote racial harmony. It was not to advance the needs of SRTRC or the anti-racist agenda at that organisation’s core. It was to intimidate. To bully. To slander. To smear.

And the organisation bowed to it, even insofar as they allowed the notoriously unhinged Sevco supporters organisation to release one of their noxious press statements which essentially took a hammer to one of SRTRC’s own staff members.

Let’s be clear here; Show Racism The Red Card have thrown one of their own people under a bus with the way they’ve reacted to the Phil McGiollabhain thing, not to mention that in doing so they’ve also libelled the man himself.

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To see that badge on the shirts last night was to remind us of what an utter shambles the last few weeks have been for them.

SRTRC is an organisation funded from the public purse, and I know that like most organisations of its type it requires more than just a mission statement.

Organisations which generate fancy buzzwords and woolly concepts are good as theoretical discussion groups, but at a time of crippling austerity people are going to rightly ask why the taxpayer should fund them … and so these organisations have to be sharply on message, to work according to their basic principles, to function as intended and they must be ever vigilant that they carry public support with them.

Phil McGiollabhain has written extensively on anti-Irish racism. He was, therefore, and he is, an expert in the field. SRTRC had every right, even a responsibility, to engage with him and seek his input. But that’s not all Phil has written about, of course. He has also written about Rangers, and that’s part of the problem these swivel headed goons have with him.

A bigger part of their problem is that Phil has also written about racists, and it was in that context that he wrote his fictional parable The Incubator.

Anyone who’s read it knows exactly what it is. It will not to be to everyone’s taste. Some will call it a sledgehammer way to make a point, but the point is what matters and the point here is that racism and bigotry is a mindless monster, shambling through our society, causing destruction … but Phil has crucially pointed out that in addition we can’t pretend it appeared by accident or that it was something that simply grew out of nowhere.

The hate that drives that monster was manufactured somewhere, as all hate is.

One of my favourite movies in the world is American History X. There is a moment of incredible beauty and razor sharp perception in that film that almost always goes unremarked on. It’s the scene where Ed Furlong’s character has come to the final realisation about himself and his brother, and for reasons the film never explains it cuts to a scene on a beach, the two of them little more than children, staring in doe-eyed wonder at the sea and the sand and the birds. And it always gets me that moment, because when you are that age you’re like a sponge soaking up everything, with nothing laid out in front of you … and Tony Kaye, the director, made such an incredible statement in that scene; hate isn’t something we’re born with.

It gets into you, like a disease; it comes from outside of you though, from somewhere else. Phil’s point was that hatred is something you can create in the lab, something that you can actually craft, very deliberately, and turn loose.

An anti-racism charity should be about confronting racism. Did Phil use ugly language? Yes he did, but he’s dealing with an ugly subject and horrible human beings. He’s writing about the very people SRTRC was set up to drive out of our society.

Drive out. Not invite for tea and biscuits. Not pander to.

We are not born with hate, but when hate becomes your functioning mind-set, when your whole sense of self is defined by it, it’s no longer something that can educated out of you or forced into retreat; it’s something that has to be confronted, and those steeped in it marginalised and confronted with the full horror of what they are.

Because that’s the only way the next generation stands a chance.

Show Racism The Red Card has forgotten its purpose. It’s forgotten its mandate. If they are going to slam anti-racist campaigners and lump them in with the racists they are fighting against, like Trump pontificating on the “very bad people on both sides” at Charlottesville then I suggest that first they adopt a name change, to something more appropriate.

Show Racists Where The Coffee Machine Is, perhaps.

Club 1872 demanded, and got, their pound of flesh. Another dissenting voice has been silenced and that’s all they wanted. Another brick has been knocked out of the equality wall, just as they had hoped it would be. The craven surrender to them was completed last night with that farce, an anti-racist charity promoting its work in front of a skin-crawling display of bigotry and bile right out of the 17th century; up to their knees in blood, telling the descendants of Irish Catholics to “go home” and looking forward to the death of a Scottish football icon, not to mention the rain of objects from the stands which again the SFA is stonily silent on.

Why not? It’s become a habit now. It’s “the new normal.”

If Club 1872 cared about the anti-racism agenda it would be their voices raised loudest in condemnation of that sickening outpouring last night; but here’s the elephant in the room, here’s what SRTRC apparently don’t want to confront … some of the people represented by those they had over for snacks around the conference table were in those stands last night wallowing in the muck.

Someone, somewhere, has decided that the organisation should not be focussed on helping the racists back into the light.

A little love and understanding is all they need.

Utter tosh.

Pretentious fence sitting so you don’t have to pick a side … when the whole point of such an organisation is to pick a side.

Educate bigots? Reach out to racists?

Bring them “on board”?

At the same time as you participate in a hatchet-job on one of the people who’s devoted the better part of his life to standing against them?

Aye, okay then.

I mean seriously … are you kidding me?

The idea is like a sick joke. It makes me want to throw up.

Last night was a travesty, coming at the end of what was a tragic fortnight in the history of the organisation, one that has completely lost its bearings. It wasn’t show Racism The Red Card as much Show Racism The Red Carpet.

It was a definitive statement of how weak some of society has become, where even those supposed to be on the sharp end have lost the stomach for the fight.

It will carry on like this, and get worse, until it’s properly confronted and those responsible called out and held up to the humiliation and scorn of all right-thinking people.

Anything else, and the folks at Scotland’s anti-racist charity just aren’t doing their jobs.

In case they haven’t noticed, governments everywhere are cutting projects like theirs to the bone, and these guys have succeeded, in the past fortnight, in alienating, in spectacular fashion, the very people who would have been their most vocal supporters and valued allies.

Hell of a job, folks, like Dale Carnegie in reverse.

How To Lose Friends And Alienate People.

http://ift.tt/2hGtJwW

[purple-pen-reviews]

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

Rating: 8.9/10

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is a 2014 sci-fi action film directed by Matt Reeves. It stars Andy Serkis, Jason Clarke, Gary Oldman, Toby Kebbel, Keri Russel and Kodi Smit-McPhee, along with Kirk Acevedo, Nick Thurston, Terry Notary, Karin Konoval, Judy Greer, Jon Eyez, Enrique Murciano, and Doc Shaw. The film is a continuation of the Planet of the Apes reboot franchise, and begins 10 years after Rise of the Planet of the Apes ends. After the fall of humanity due to the Simian Flu, the augmented apes have formed a new society in the woods outside San Francisco under Caesar’s leadership. The apes come into conflict with a group of humans from a compound nearby, searching for alternate power sources, and tensions begin to rise between the two species, as well as within the apes’ own ranks. 

The sequel to Rise of the Planet of the Apes outshines its predecessor in its visuals. Improvement is immediately noticeable. Andy Serkis once again provides a stellar motion capture performance, yet at this point it is almost expected. Another motion capture ape actor whose shines in this film is Toby Kebbel as Koba. Once again, the eyes say it all in this film. Both of these actors, as well as Nick Thurston and the other ape actors, give excellent nuanced performances. Speaking of nuanced performances, Gary Oldman as Dreyfus, the leader of the San Francisco survivors, transforms what could have become a usual one-note post apocalypse villain into a remarkable anti-hero.

One of the places the movie tends to falter is in its characterization. This film is very hit-or-miss when it comes to fleshing out its characters. Some, like Caesar, Koba, and Dreyfus are well-rounded and fully-realized, yet others, like Rocket, Carver, and others seem like wasted potential for good characters. However, the movie makes up for this by doubling-down on my favorite part of the first movie - all-out ape-action. Once again, the action scenes are by far the best part about this film, in particular the big battle scene in the second act. 

Aesthetically, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is much darker than its precursor. I hate to be cliche and compare this sequel to The Empire Strikes Back, but that’s the best way to describe it. It’s darker, has a more developed story, and ends on an ominous note - which is a welcome shift in tone, to be honest. The apes’ war paint as well as the “scarecrows” Malcolm encounters in the woods and other frightening imagery and scenes hammers home to the viewer the reality of the situation - that hyper-intelligent apes would be terrifying to behold. 

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is definitely as good if not better than Rise of the Planet of the Apes, bringing updated visuals with enhanced action and drama, though there are some persistent problems with focus of characterization. In spite of this, fans of the first movie should be encouraged to see its sequel, as it continues to provide everything the first Planet of the Apes reboot had good going for it, with improvement in many different areas. It recaptures many of the beats present in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Those who didn’t enjoy the first film as much, or those who have never seen it, should also watch Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, as it also improves upon some of the negative aspects of the first film, providing multiple compelling characters and gripping action sequences that would make any moviegoer happy.

The apes’ acting in this movie alone makes it worth the watch, even more than the previous one, not only Andy Serkis as Caesar but also Nick Thurston as Caesar’s son, Blue Eyes, as well as Toby Kebbel’s performance as Koba, the scarred bonobo from the previous movie. Toby Kebbel shines the most during Koba’s outbursts at Caesar’s decisions (The ”Human work. Human. Work.. Human work!” scene gave me the same feeling as the “No!” scene did in the first movie). It was a bit one-note at times, but Koba had no reason to be anything other than angry at humans, so it fit nonetheless. The character of Koba is very well-written as a foil to Caesar. Both are wildly intelligent, but due to their life experiences, they use their intellect in different ways. Whereas Caesar, who was raised in a loving environment, strategizes to save the most possible lives in all situations - both human and ape - Koba uses his enhanced intillect to usurp power from Caesar and exact revenge on the humans, from whom Koba “only learned hate.” Koba is just as compelling of a villain as Caesar is as a hero, and a compelling villain is what was really missing from the previous movie. 

In addition to its compelling villain, Dawn also improves upon the action scenes. In particular, the opening hunting sequence as well as the battle at the San Francisco compound are both great large-scale action sequences, but the climactic duel between Koba and Caesar is also so much fun to watch. Ape fisticuffs is something I never thought I’d enjoy watching, but the way its set up is pretty compelling - in that Caesar has to fight Koba because the apes will only follow the strong. When I first watched Dawn a few years ago, I didn’t pick up on the specific reason why Caesar had to fight Koba, but I did when I re-watched it for this review, and it made much more sense that way. There’s also a shot during the battle sequence seen from the point-of-view of a spinning tank’s cannon that is absolutely ingenious. However I still think my favorite scene in this one, as far as action goes, is the first scene, where the apes go hunting and Caesar faces down a bear. Its good, primal, cro-magnon-esque action, and I just love it. Maybe others won’t, but I certainly do. 

As previously stated, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is very hit-or-miss when it comes to characterization. Some are very well-realized, such as the previously mentioned main characters Caesar and Koba, yet others feel like wasted potential. Dreyfus made for a good human villian/anti-hero in this movie. Whereas some of the other human characters, like Malcolm (played by Jason Clarke) and Ellie (Keri Russel), fell flat, the subtlety that Oldman brought to his character made him feel like a real person and less like a generic portrait. The way Dreyfus’ backstory is revealed is much better too. Whereas we are just told the others’, Dreyfus’ tragic past is revealed to us through the scene with the iPad. It also sheds light on his motivations for future actions - why he chose to sacrifice himself to “get the job done.” He’s a soldier, what else would he have done? 

While we’re talking about human villains, lets discuss Carver (played by Kirk Acevedo). Carver’s character was used to push the movie’s themes on racism, which were handled very well just like the messages were in the first movie. In the end, however, Carver is murdered by Koba, seemingly proving his point that the damn dirty apes are dangerous. Though some justice was done in this regard when Rocket (the father of Ash, who Carver shoots in the first act) saves him from the collapse in the dam, I still feel as if his character could have been given more of a chance to be proven wrong, and wrap up the racial allegories with more points on how he “never realized how similar they are to us,” or something along those lines. Some of Caesar’s lines in the third act mimic this, but coming from him (a character whose whole concept is the blurred line between human and ape, in regards to settling their differences) it doesn’t have the same effect as it would have if they had come from Carver.

The characterization of the apes is done in a much similar way. The film spent lots of time fleshing out Maurice, which I enjoyed, but it still felt as if there was so much wasted potential in the character of Rocket. Don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing Maurice as the mild-mannered orangutan who teaches the children in the village how to read as well as the hulking brute who can choke a chimp when he needs to, but I felt as if the filmmakers could’ve done more with Rocket, especially with the death of his son at the hands of Koba. Rocket could’ve foiled Maurice in that he transforms from a simple-minded bully in the first movie into a dramatic character through scenes showing him mourning the loss of his son, yet all we see about Ash’s death from anyone is a single line of dialogue from Blue Eyes. Ultimately, it was this missed opportunity for Rocket and Carver that held Dawn of the Planet of the Apes back from getting a straight 9.0/10.

Even with its mild flaws in characterization, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is definitely one of my favorite movies so far. It adds to - as well as improves upon - its predecessors in many ways, and is once again worthy of its place as one of the best Planet of the Apes movies (if not the best) so far.