#like maybe I’m just actually psychotic but my therapist believes me when I talk about the ghost experiences I’ve had

[sassmill]

Extremely unnerving when you’re suddenly aware of a spirit when you thought you were alone. Not in an ominous way more like uh. Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there. Um.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #363

(one more that’s a late upload from way earlier in the day, and i yet again don’t feel like updating the answers)

What brings out the worst in you? When I'm very anxious or having a PTSD episode, I can become very snappy and just not a joy to be around. What all did you eat today? This morning I had oatmeal, I had a rice cake as a snack, and lunch was ham and cheese on a tortilla. Some people were really destructive as a child, were you? No, I was a good kid. Who was the last person you were in a car with? My mom. Who was the last person you cried in front of? It was probably Mom. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? I usually talk about them somewhere, like in surveys if I feel I can't with anyone else. Please be vocal with your feelings. It is so destructive to let them build up. Who was the last person you were with that smelled REALLY good? I'm unsure. Do you know anyone that is gothic? A good number of people, myself included at least in spirit. ;~; I can't really afford good attire, nor do I have the patience for so much makeup maintenance. Have you seen UP? I actually haven't seen the full movie, but I'd like to. How is your mom? Stressed as fuck and tired of everything. What color hair does your mom have? She recently dyed it black. Her hair is growing back totally gray now and she hated it. She's gotten so self-conscious as she's aged. When was the last time you were told you were cute? Idk. Do you feel comfortable getting up and giving speeches? FUCK NO. Have you ever dipped french fries in a frosty? I tried it once and did not get the appeal. Did you have school/class today? No. My school endeavors are done. Do you have any paintings in your room? If so, of what? Yeah, I have my big painting of meerkats grooming above all my 'kat plushies. Have you ever had your photo professionally taken? As a child and by school photographers, anyway. Would you prefer eating jello or pudding? Pudding. After washing your hair, do you put any products in it? No. Last time you ate a salad? Like a week ago when we went to Ichiban for my sister's bday. Do you know how old your house is? No, I don't. Have you ever been described as ”adorable”? Yeah. Have you ever given a lap dance? No. They seem incredibly awkward to me?? Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make mega bucks? No. I can't do a job I hate for anything. I would be so depressed. Are you a moody person? Yes. What are you listening to? I'm watching Gab Smolders' new episode of Resident Evil 8: Village. I'm deadass watching four different LPers play it, I'm only moderately obsessed lmao. What video game could you waste the most time on? WoW, given it has like a zillion different things to do. Yet I still get bored lmao. What is your favorite condiment? Maybe Ketchup? I think I use that for the most things. What is the worst thing that you have ever done? I don't feel like getting into this. How old were you when your parents gave you the "birds and the bees" talk? They didn't; I learned in my school's sex ed in the 5th grade. Have you ever questioned whether or not you'd benefit from therapy? I have benefited from it. What would you like it to say on your gravestone? Hypothetically, idk. But I'd rather be cremated. Would you ever wear real leather or animal fur? NO. Have you ever completely failed a year of school and had to repeat a grade? No. Have you ever been bitten by an animal that wasn't a cat or a dog? Which? I think my old baby iguana bit me once or twice, not that it was very painful at her young age. I can't recall another animal. What type of literature are you most likely to read? (book, magazine, etc) Books. Do you prefer using candles, wax melts, or incense? Incense. Are you someone who actually doesn't have a Facebook? No, I have one. What kind(s) of Facebook groups are you active in, if any? I'm not really *active* in any; I just observe them and interact via "like"s. I'm actually in a whole lot of groups, though. Do you enjoy any herbal or fruit teas? What kinds? Neither. Do you hear any animals right now? No. What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? I know and like a few songs, especially "Dear God." Do you like Batman? Yeah, I like his "refuse to murder" ideology. The only thing is I kinda have a bad connection attached to him, because Batman was Jason's thing. Have you ever played fetch with a dog? Yes. Does your house have a fireplace? Yeah actually, but it might be fake? I don't even know lol. Have you ever pet a stingray? No. Have you ever dissected a baby pig in a class at school? Oh my god, no. I literally could never. I did dissect a frog in the 7th grade that wound up to be pregnant, though... I wasn't happy about it, but at the same time it was very interesting. Who is the last baby you held? My niece. Do you like Sunkist? The orange kind is fine, but the STRAWBERRY flavor? Jfc I love that shit. Would you ever consider being a cannibal? UM NO Do you have any scars from an animal? I have a lot of scars on my hands from playing with Roman. I scar extremely easily, so just his little scrapes leave marks. Have you ever seen an Igloo? No. Do you like Korn? Love 'em. How many animals do you have? Really two, but we have three in the house right now. Idk when this dog is going away. Are you more afraid of tornadoes or hurricanes? Tornados. Ever rode in a helicopter? No. Do you like rabbits? Yes, they're adorable. Do you like mushrooms? NO. What was the last movie you cried at? I want to say Logan, but I'm not sure. I watch movies so rarely that I really don't know. Would you rather work for a small or large company? Small. I'd feel more useful. What is the rudest thing a guy has ever done to you? I don't know. Have you ever read the book 13 Reasons Why? Yeah. I thought it was good, but now I don't remember like... anything about it. What did you have for breakfast this morning? I had apple and cinnamon oatmeal. How many times have you read your favorite book? Just once. I don't re-read books. Have you ever been on Omegle? No. Are you still in love with one of your exes? "In love," no. Do you think being born was a mistake? Yeesh, no. Has a relative ever been arrested? My psychotic uncle (by marriage) has been. Was it a serious crime? Quite honestly, I don't remember. I just know he's an angry and dangerous motherfucker. Do you think the Fountain of Youth exists? No. How about in a parallel dimension? Doubtful. Do you believe humans are part of a giant alien experiment? I ponder over the possibility of being a research simulation, kind of like a much advanced version of The Sims, but I honestly doubt it. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Was it a passing phase or is it something controlled by medication? Therapy and medication saved me. Is there a holiday you wish no one celebrated? Which is it? Why do you feel that way? Fight me about Christopher Columbus Day. He didn't discover shit. Have you taken any writing classes? How about art? I've taken a writing course in college, and I've taken loads of art classes. What’s your all-time favourite band? How about all-time fave singer? Ozzy Osbourne; Freddie Mercury. What three songs do you want played at your funeral? Why those particular songs? "Like A Woman" by Alice Cooper, "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx A.M., and "Angels on the Moon" by Thriving Ivory. I just like them and find them suiting. Do you think most mythological creatures exist? No. Have you ever had lice? No. What is one superstition that freaks you out? Why is that? I’m not superstitious. Are either of your parents retired yet and if not, what do they do? No. Dad is a mailman, and while Mom doesn't ~officially~ work yet because she's recovering from intense cancer treatment, she very recently resumed lightly cleaning a church for a small payment. Kinda like a warmup. When did you or do you want to move out of your parents’ house? I wanna move out once I'm in a long-term, stable relationship with someone so we can live together. Me living alone is NOT a good idea. How do you like your current job, or if you’re unemployed, have you been looking for employment? I don't have a job, but when I go to my tattoo appointment, I'm going to ask them if they'd be interested in hiring someone for the front desk. I think it's def something I could do because I love the environment, there's really not that much I need to know (like where the Doritos are, dealing with exact change, answering a dozen unique questions), it's not insanely busy, and the occasional phone call would challenge my anxiety and just be a minor inconvenience to me until I got used to it. My partial hospitalization program really got me wanting to fight back against what gives me anxiety, to truly expose myself to what scares me, while not going totally overboard with it. It was encouraging to hear my therapist there thought it was a magnificent idea for me. I decided I wanted to ask while at the parlor getting work done to show serious interest (like I'm not just some random chick walking in and asking for a job), as well as let the people warm up to me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but damn am I wishing. I want it so badly. What kind of booze did you last take shots of? I've never taken shots.

[toruhalo]

Psychotic (2/?)

Pairings: Ledger!Joker x Female OC

Wordcount: 1578

Warnings: explicit language, murderous thoughts, manipulation?

previous chapter: 1

next chapter: 3

A/N: ngl the last paragraph got me a little hot under the collar whew and i also threw in an actual quote he says in the movie who can guess it? lol

Violet woke up to the distinctive sound of a keypad beeping and metal door creaking. Flashing her sleep-heavy eyes completely open, thinking it was her door, she abruptly sat up in the bed. She blinked wearily to see a flashlight beam in the cell across from hers, which in hand occupied the infamous Joker. The tall grimy dark blonde-green haired man stepped into the hallway with his hands bound together in handcuffs, followed by an officer. The Joker's brown eyes briefly met her broad blue ones before looking ahead. The unique pair hastily shuffled out of the quiet hallway, and into the therapy ward.

The night before after her conversation with the Joker, they had naturally fallen into a comfortable silence. She felt as if there was a weight lifted off her shoulders, as cliché as it may seem. He didn't criticize her, because he had his flaws as well. She knew the Joker was manipulative, but something about him reeled her in.

The sun began rising on the horizon, causing rays of orange light to gleam through the barred window. As if on cue, there was an insistent knock on the metal door frame.

"Stand up, hands on the wall where I can see 'em," A security guard grumbled.

She hastily jumped up and promptly placed her palms on the brick wall. The uniformed man carefully approached her and secured her small hands together behind her back into handcuffs. Coincidentally, he guided them within the same hallway Joker was led into. Passing several empty rooms, there was only one occupied. Violet peeked inside while passing to see Joker handcuffed to a chair, sitting comfortably in front of a blonde psychiatrist. She felt a slight ache in her chest at the unwelcome sight. It faded instantly after the guard had tugged her to keep moving forward in the unnerving hallway.

She was placed in a room similar to the one she saw Joker in, also being handcuffed to the chair.

"I don't think those are necessary, Lyle," a new voice spoke.

A dark-skinned woman with a white lab coat walked into the room, taking a seat across from Violet. The guard, Lyle, slowly took off the cuffs and backed into the hallway.

"Hello, Miss Wilde. I'm Doctor Joan Leland, but you may call me Joan if that makes you more comfortable," the doctor smiles, "I'm your psychiatrist from now on." Violet felt suspicious, as all her past psychiatrists or therapists were not as nice as this woman.

"H-hello."

Joan smiles politely, "You've been here for almost a week now, how do you feel about Arkham?"

"I-It's okay, but s-some people scare m-me."

"Like whom, if I may ask?"

"S-scarecrow, and other p-people."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but rest assured they can't harm you," she flips through her notes, "Have you made any friends yet?"

"I-I think so," Violet pulls her striped sleeves over her hands.

Joan notices the action and writes on her notepad. "Who are these potential friends?"

"A-a man named S-Sharpener... and the Joker."

Doctor Joan's pen stops mid-sentence on the paper. She lifts her eyes, "Pardon?"

"T-the Joker?"

The doctor sighs and sets her pen down. "Miss Wilde, if you wish to recover from your sickness, I recommend you not speak to that man. I detect no signs of him changing. My colleague has been attempting to spark a light but to no avail... he stays the same."

"Y-yes ma'am." Violet could feel tears forming and hung her head. She genuinely did not know if she wanted to become a better person; she often dreams about killing her mother and anyone who stood in her way. As for the Joker, she felt she had a connection with him beginning to form. The thought of not talking to him again makes her furious.

"Okay. I apologize for getting firm with you." Joan flips through her notes once again. "So, the first step for your rehabilitation is to understand and come to terms with why you're here..."

The security guard named Lyle escorted Violet back to her cell from her session with Doctor Leland. Violet noticed before walking inside that the Joker's room had lightened up a bit, maybe the overhead light bulb was fixed, she thought. Settling into her bed, she saw the Joker lounging on his own. His arms were behind his head, eyes closed, and humming to himself. He was a strange, happy man... and handsome.

"How was therapy, V?"

Violet shook herself out of her thoughts to see him sitting cross-legged and staring intently at her. Her face flushed red and pulled her knees to her chest.

"F-fine. How w-was yours, J?"

 He smirked and leaned back on his hands.

"Same old, same old. I wish I had more... excitement around here. Guess I uh... have you."

Violet smiled behind her kneecaps.

"Who's your psychiatrist?" Violet asked.

"A lovely woman named Harleen Quinzel..." the Joker paused after seeing Violet's face drop, "It's called sarcasm, dollface. You uh ever heard of it?" He smirked after licking his scarred lips.

Violet softly let out a laugh, "I know, I'm just n-not very fond of her I-I guess."

"You've uh... never met her, doll," Joker said with a knowing look on his perfectly sculpted face.

"There's just s-something about her that I don't like, I c-can't explain it."

"Fair enough." He sits back up, stretching his back. "Ya know, there's something about you too... that I like."

Weeks passed of Violet following the same routine within the asylum. Therapy in the wee hours of the morning, talk to Joker, optional showering, recreational activities, eat lunch or dinner while conversing with Sharpener, and talk to Joker again before falling asleep. Violet rarely saw the Joker out of his cell, because he 'preferred being alone, but you're an exception'.

Violet wasn't one to anger easily, but one fateful morning on her way to see Doctor LeLand, she witnessed something that made her skin boil. Doctor Quinzel was hugging the Joker, and he was hugging back. Violet barely said a word to anyone the rest of the day, not even to Joker or Sharpener. Tears would form every time the unforgettable image would appear in her head, instantly making her even more frustrated. Why was she behaving like this? Why couldn't she be the one hugging him?

Later in the evening, Violet was keeping to herself, trying to make sense of her feelings. The Joker had tried gaining her attention, yet she always brushed him off with an excuse. She felt as though her brain was going to implode from overuse and intense emotions. She desperately wanted to believe he felt the same for herself, yet that was impossible; he remained a notorious manipulator who harbors no emotion.

Then why did he hug Doctor Quinzel back?

"I can uh... see smoke coming out of your pretty little ears, dollface."

His comment made her blush intensely. Was he watching her this whole time?

"Care to share with the class on what uh happened today to turn you into Oscar the Grouch?" He chuckled.

"Nothing happened..." Violet mumbled.

The Joker smacked his lips and made no further comment. Violet laid within her bed, tugging the covers over her head. She could hear shuffling and footsteps, yet didn't look to see the source of the noise. The keypad to her door beeped, followed by her door opening and closing. Violet ripped the covers away, only to see the Joker standing inside her room.

"Hello..." The Joker smiled widely.

Violet's heart was thumping so loudly within her chest, she knew Joker could hear it. After all, he was only three feet away from her.

"H-how'd you get in here?" She whisper-shouted.

"Never ask a magician his secret, V," he said while sitting beside her, never breaking eye-contact.

Violet swallowed loudly and looked at the floor, "A guard might come..."

"Nobody's coming. I uh... have this place wrapped around my greasy finger."

The Joker brought his legs up on the bed, to sit criss-cross, head resting on his hands to look directly at Violet.

"W-what?" Violet tried containing her smile.

"Oh... nothing important..." he said while looking around the cell walls.

Violet gently shoved the Joker's shoulder but turned her head after realizing what she did. She could hear him giggling to himself. "Don't tease me, sir," she laughed along with him.

"Ooh sir? That's new," he cackled while revealing his laugh lines around his eyes, "Will you tell me what was uh making you so crabby?"

"W-why do you want to know?"

He slowly leaned in, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear. "It's just... annoying." He broke out into a fit of laughter after seeing the astonished look on Violet's pale face. "I'm just uh...poking fun, dollface."

After his chuckles began to dwindle, Violet decided to come out with it. "She hugged you... and y-you hugged her back."

The Joker squinted his eyes, "That's what's been uh bothering you? It wasn't even real... so uh, no need to worry your pretty little head, doll,"  he said while leaning back on the bed and closing his eyes.

"Not real?" Violet questioned.

Joker sat up and looked deep into Violet's blue eyes once more. He lifted his hands and squeezed her cheeks together, her chin in his palm. "I'm uh...  waiting. Waiting for the right moment to reel us out of this... prison. And she... she is just a stepping stone to achieve this. Now, when I say it's nothing personal, you should know... I'm telling the truth."

[spectralarchers]

Would you mind describing what it's like to have BPD? I haven't been diagnosed with it, but I think I may have it.

I was diagnosed with BPD a little over two years ago, after my GP suggested I enter a mental health program. Speaking to both nurses and a specialized psychiatrist in personality disorders, they finally found out that I was operating under the “emotionally unstable personality disorder of the mixed kind”, which they settled on was borderline personality disorder.

The mental health program I entered was a mentalization based therapy (MBT) in order to help me train my mentalizing abilities (the “ability to think about thinking” x), which involved weekly 90 minutes group therapy session for a whole year. It meant that every single Monday from April 2018 to April 2019, I had to get to the psychiatric facility, sit in a room with seven other people my age, with the same diagnosis, and discuss our past weeks, for an hour and a half, with two therapists present.

Putting the rest of it under a read more for those who aren’t interested

So, it’s been a very long process to figure out where all the issues I have with social awkwardness and mental stress came from, and a lot of working on how to avoid crises in the future. 

I was told by the specialists that they had difficulty finding which personality disorder was the more appropriate one, because I displayed signs for borderline personality disorder but also avoidant personality disorder (a cluster C personality disorder) and dependent personality disorder. (link).

The borderline personality disorder is defined by lack of a sense of self and problems with feelings of emptiness and abandonment. I have difficulties with relationships (I have been single for about 5 years now, and all the relationships I had prior to that never lasted more than 2 months), which I’ve written off as being asexual, although I may think it’s more of a demisexual thing, but I’m so scared/terrified of relationships, it’s easier for me to just accept being asexual. (That’s a whole other discussion, though).

BPD comes with emotional instability, anger and violence, which I usually attributed to the fact that I grew up with an abusive parental figure. Being hit as a kid means that you’re maybe more prone to hitting others, which is why I’m sometimes subject to very, very intense and violent feelings, that I need to reign in, in order not to hit others or hurt them verbally (I have been known to hurt others verbally when I’m in “the red” mentally, so I’m working really hard on trying to avoid that going forward, and I have been known to hitting close family members when I was younger as well, although I haven’t hit anyone on purpose in many, many years).

BPD also comes with comorbidity with suicidal thoughts and self-harm, both of which I tick off (I have attempted suicide 3 times and the last self-harm relapse I experienced was actually yesterday when I had a derealization episode). I tried to kill myself twice when I was 14 and once when I was 19 years old, and I started self harming by using sharp objects to cut myself with when I was 11 years old. I still self harm, even though it’s not as often as it used to be, but yeah, like I said... last time I did it was yesterday (although nobody IRL is aware of it).

Being borderline means you’re always one step away from the neurotic and the psychotic disorders, and that your impulsivitiy can sometimes cause bad decision making (self sabotage, which I definitely do by ruining good occasions for myself or impulsive spending).

Borderline Personality Disorder sucks, because I thrive with knowing how my day, week, month is going to plan out, but if something comes and kicks it out of the way or off course, my brain literally cannot cope with it and I go into an emotional downwards spiral. It never happens in public (I’ve taught myself to avoid that entirely from childhood), but if I get triggered, exposed to something that sets me off or if something happens which means my routine gets disrupted, you can be practically 100% sure that I will have a mental breakdown over it either on the same day or a couple of days later.

The mentalization based therapy helped me learn how to try and disarm those events: “Why did you react the way you did?” “Why do you think they said that?” “Do you think that you’re reading into something that isn’t there because you’ve learned to interpret things in a certain way?”

If you think that you have a personality disorder, I’d suggest talking with your GP and asking them if they can give you a referral to a specialist. I am lucky to live in a country where we have free healthcare, so none of the year long treatment I received cost me a single dime, so I don’t know how things are elsewhere. But please, talk to someone and see if you have reason to believe you have a mental disorder.

[edwardjamescoplin]

Plot Wishlist

This is an old list of plots I wanted to do but never got around to. I’ve described them in m/f, f/f pairings but am open to nonbinary characters as well! 

Disclaimer: I personally have never written a nonbinary character and don’t want to disrespect anyone without properly researching when doing so, but will be more than happy if you’d prefer to play one! 

If you’re up for playing one of them out, simply send me a message or like this and I’ll come to you! I’m more than excited to write with you!

Discord: edwardcoplin#7261

A plot with a woodworker -  maybe a lady was sent to look over this guy because he was running the business himself and he has a business deal with a company where he isn’t meeting deadlines. They send her in to push him to complete the agreed upon orders and she discovers he’s not doing too well mentally/emotionally. She has to straighten him out and in order to keep the deal going he has to obey her. This of course leads to silly arguments and they don’t get on well. He feels that she ruins all the fun because she walks in when he’s goofing off with friends and picks fights with him, so he blames her for his inability to finish the job. This could turn romantic or just be a petty partnership of showing each other up. 

Subject A started having seizures a month ago. Doctors have not given A any type of diagnosis and A is having to adjust to life rapidly changing. A can no longer attend school due to being a distraction as well as not being able to make it throughout a class without being in pain, feeling left out because he/she is not at the same place as the rest of his/her peers with classwork, and of course the seizures are ‘distracting’. Over the span of a month the entire school has blocked A out, slowly halting with newsletters to events and games, rallies, etc. Subject B has had seizures for over two years and has been out of school for a year. He/she was never given a diagnosis and still continues to go to doctors in hopes of finding out something new. A and B meet in the waiting room at one of their therapist appointments, not knowing the other shares a similar experience. They are just two normal people. They talk and bond over common interests but neither tells the other of the crippling effects of their seizures. A and B split and go to their sessions and then leave noting to swap numbers. Over the next six months they trade texts, emails, late night half asleep phone calls, and weekly meet ups at their therapy appointments. The can share their favorite books and movies, old games, etc.. They tell their parents about each other and their parents stay in contact with the belief this connection is healthy for the two of them. A and B have to plan ahead for anything they want to do outside of their appointments. They go to the mall, spend time at each others place, and of course they both find out about the others condition. They don’t use that to bond though. They focus on who they were before the seizure started and who they are now. They try to make the best of things through health scares. Both A and B spend endless amounts of time molding their friendship and doing the things they feel comfortable doing. They don’t push each other, but they kind of protect each other and offer an understanding.                                                     This is just a rough draft idea. I definitely want to develop this more and figure out the exact details of doing it. This is somewhat of a personal experience and I like the idea of normalizing different health conditions. 

Two girls that are best friends and they don’t necessarily click in the way that they wanna fuck and shove each other into doors trying to get the other out of their clothes, it’s more of a co-dependency relationship/friendship. They aren’t dating, but they both get jealous when the other is in a relationship with somebody else. They’re both popular in school/their own crowds (college based), and maybe one of them is head cheerleader for the college/university and the other is a huge science nerd. But they grew up together and they’d never let the differences between cliques come between their friendship. At least they try not to. I want there to be late nights where one is running over to the others house/dorm, even though they should be sleeping, because she needs somebody to hold her while she sleeps. And I want there to be fights and melodramatic little quips. Maybe the nerdy one has a bigger mouth than the cheerleader. I want there to be screwed up make out sessions and then they just pretend like it never happened. It’s nothing more than a friendship. They do everything together. One of them is focused on moral rights and the other is focused on just having a good time, but they have long talks and lose sleep trying to put the pieces together in life and they make dumb plans and just everything is focused on them and growing and learning and finding out who they are and what their friendship really is. I want the craziness of it all. {this plot would most likely include smut, so please 18+ only}

A girl is a serial killer and her parents put her into a mental institute, and the workers at said place are really violent/cruel. They torture her physically and use electric shock/other methods to try and fix her and stuff. Pretty much they do it so much that she’s mentally trapped in a coma state. So, while in this coma, she dreams and makes up this whole other world. She meets a boy/girl and they get on well and basically it can either go in the direction of him/her being a serial killer and they’re killing people or she creates this whole world where they’re just normal people and she imagines him/her up. Another turn it could take, twist here, the boy/girl is actually a serial killer and the people at the institute tortured him/her and killed him/her several years back and now he’s/she’s in her dreams and it’s just really fucked up ok.

Two kids who grew up together and were very close/or maybe not even friends but they’ve met up ten years later and one is like rich and famous and the other runs a library and somehow in business deals they get paired together and have to travel to a place neither is familiar with. They work together to navigate through the entire thing and kind of get to know each other. They could like each other or hate each other, doesn’t matter.

two people, both from different religious views. They’re pushed together for some reason. one of them is really big into Christianity but the other is atheist and the religious one falls for the other and the entire time that person is pushing them away because they don’t believe in love or anything and this related to the song angel with a shot gun, give up religion for em all that jazz.

“I was once told I like people because I enjoy trying to fix them. I’ve learned, now, that there is no way to fix people, and you should not try to fill yourself in between the cracks of their uprooted scars. Upon being told this, I began to see things differently. I watched myself from the outside, captivated by the way I would fall in love with the trivial flaws and misconceptions in a person’s everyday life. I watched as they would walk across the street, dressed for work and bound for disaster at the swallowing of a coffee all too hot, and I would fall into a transitional relation with them. I found home between the curves of their words. They were like silk in my mind. I would find companionship in the alternate spirals of their every step. Their thoughts were like ink to me. I could write down every single one of them. Their tears were like drops of rain filled with the temptations of curiosity in the form of stories. Every single detail became an art piece for me.”                                                                        I wrote this a while back and I really want to create something off of it. Maybe like a m/f goes to the same cafe every day with his/her journal and they write stories about the people they see and like fall in love with people all the time just by watching them.

"Fingertips leave the soft tinted stain of your body against mine. They wrap in rafting waves over the hills of my spine."                                          I would also love to make a plot off of this little bit I wrote a while back.

two angels are paired together by god to walk the earth and do jobs, but then they get in trouble and lose the powers/advantages they had. They get trapped on this universal plane and have to work among mundanes to figure out how to get back to safety. (honestly this is similar to the show Lucifer now that I look back on it)

a cynical lawyer works for a psychotic model

a hunting trip turns into a fight for life with no connection to anyone outside of the woods

"you’re not supposed to look back, you’re supposed to keep going." Maybe something that isn’t necessarily dealing with running away but overcoming some sort of obstacle. I don’t know.

{f} is a dancer, always has been. She’s been in love with it since she was little. She’s never taken a class, just taught herself the choreography to dances. She choreographs her own moves and teaches a hip hop class down in town. {m} has been to dance school, worked all of his life to do whatever his mother wished upon him. He’s dealt with riches and galore, promised to marry a girl from his class, but recently decided to go in other directions. He dreads dancing, however, he’s been sent to teach one class recently. Since joining said class he’s met {f}, who has undeniably brought out the joy in his dance. She pushes him to go after the things he actually wants in life, so long he promises to remain as head in the one class at the studio they both work at. He doesn’t know what to do apart from follow what she says. Something about her makes him see the beauty in the things he hates.

“I would anger angels for you.” — SIX WORDS (2/3/14)                               a plot based off of this, or to use it as a quote for a character

[chaotic-yeet]

every single fucking one yobi

Hey Strawberry, you asked for this

Do you ever doubt anyone else's existence other than your own: Not really no

On a scale of 1-5 how afraid of the dark are you: 5+ I have nyctophobia so it's extremely bad for me

The person you would never want to meet: Does knowing them and no longer speaking count? An old friend of mine, I hope I never see her again

What is your favorite word: I'm actually not sure, I have a few ones I like to say because I pronounce them wrong, but I don't think I have a favorite

If you were a type of tree, what kind would you be: Maybe a birch tree? They're my favorite kind in minecraft sooo

When you looked in the mirror this morning, what did you first think: "Damn I need to wash my face more"

What shirt are you wearing:. A Mammoth one! It's dark gray, has a bear on the back and front chest area, and has blue, pink, and purple fade on it (the bi flag!)

What do you label yourself as: a fuckin bastard or dumbass thats what

Bright room or dark room: I have sensitive eyes so a dark room, but with either soft light or nightlight, I hate complete darkness

What were you doing at midnight last night: Talking to @the-strawzish-clownfish , while being on call with @psychotic-roach he had fallen asleep

Favorite age you've been so far: 13 probably, which sounds weird, but my mental health got better that year (it didn't stay that way but eh)

Who told you they loved you last: @psychotic-roach !! And I love you too (once you read this :D)

Your worst enemy: Myself and an old friend I mentioned in like, question 3

What's your current desktop picture: On my main laptop it's a Marble Hornets fanart (that I adore) and on my Chromebook it's some space doodles in the bi colors

Do you like someone: Fuck yes I do, @psychotic-roach you're fucking great and deserve the world

The last song you listened to: Deku Palace remix! I'm a huge EDM/ Trap fan, combine it with Zelda music and I'm hooked!

You can press a button to make one specific person explode, who would you pick: Old friend from before

Who would you really just love to punch in the face: Many, many people

If anyone could be your slave for the day, who would it be and what would they do: Well probably a close friend of mine, and I'd have him play smash with me and make pancakes with me (basically beg him to hang out even though it's quarantine so we can have fun again)

What's your best physical attribute: Probably my hair, it's dyed purple and used to be shaved

If you were the opposite sex for a day, what would you look like and what would you do: I'd probably look the same just taller and less curves, and I'd probably jerk off or go on some 3am walk because fuck it I can

Do you have a secret talent: I don't think so, I have a shitty memory, but not when it comes to naming ninjago episodes, @the-strawzish-clownfish can verify

What is one unique thing you're afraid of: Touching Rays, any kind, especially the ones at aquariums that come up to the tank wall that you can pet

You can only have one kind of sandwich, every ingredient is at your disposal: Well call me white, but my usual, white bread turkey and shredded cheese. That's it. I'm super lame.

You just found $100 how are you gonna spend it: Save it, I always save hundreds without hesitation

You just got a free plane ticket to go anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately: Uh, probably Georgia to see some family

Basically an Angel says I'll give you lost of booze forever be specific: Uh, fuck I dunno I don't drink, Fuckin' Crown Royal for shits and giggles why not

An island in which you can make your own rules, what's the first: Stay on your own turf unless someone allows you to come in, unless it's emergency (and I know this rule will cause problems, it's a guideline at best)

What is your favorite expletive: Tie between Bullshit and Fuck, I absolutely love those two

Your house is on fire (but everyone is okay) what one object do you grab: Well, in my current room right now? My phone, I'll still have contact with people I love and have my art (the only thing I care about in here) with me too

You can erase any horrible experience from your past: Main one, I won't actually say allowed but Roach you know what it is, but one I can put on here, Probably some embarrassing thing I did, most like everyone else

You got kicked out of your country, where would you live: GERMANY! I love the German language and I'd absolutely love to go to Germany and live with it!

Death is a good dude and says you can choose who to bring back: My cat who died a few years ago, he was an awesome cat that didn't deserved to die at 6 years old

What was your last dream about: I have super long dreams, like so much goes on in them it's like a story, too long to type out, @psychotic-roach knows it. Long story short, Pirates and apartments under water

Are you a good (insert whatever): Am I a good, fuck I dunno let's do artists because it's easy. I think I do decent enough

Have you ever been admitted to the hospital: No, only when I was a newborn in the nicu because I wasn't latching right

Have you ever built a snowman: Nope, but my friend did and I watched. His snowman was tiny and got stepped on, my friend shed a few tears

What is the color or your socks: Not wearing any right now, but usually gray

What type of music do you like: EDM AND TRAP BABYYY IF IT'S LOUD I LOVE IT

Do you prefer sunrise or sunset: Sunset definitely, I burn easy so having the nice night air slowly come over with the stars is nice for me

Favorite milkshake flavor: Chocolate!

What football team do you support: American football? None. German Bundesliga teams? Stuttgart. We were assigned teams in my German class and that was mine! Stuttgart all the way!!

Do you have any scars: Yes, many. They range from self harm, to actual cat scratches, to me falling, and many more

What do you want to be when you graduate: No idea!

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Weight, I have bad self esteem so it's never enough

Are you reliable: Honestly, no. I have bad memory and I will forget if someone needs something

If you could ask your future self a question what would it be: How's Roach doing, and what's Oregon like?

Do you hold grudges: depends, mostly no, but sometimes yes

If you could breed two animals together and defy the laws of nature, what two would you breed: Uh good question, probably Cat and Opossum, really just to see what would happen

Most unusual conversation: Mental health stuff with my parents and therapist, more awkward than anything

Are you a good liar: Not really no depending on the person

How long could you go without talking: Well in quarantine all day, regular days though, maybe an hour at best, I absolutely love my friends, just only certain ones

What has been your worst haircut/ style: Back when it was longer than my shoulders and I wore it down. Except I never took care of it so it looked like shit.

Have you ever baked your own cake: Yes every birthday I make mine! I even had my friends help me with my most recent one!

Can you do any accent other than your own: maybe a southern one but no not really

What do you like on your toast: Nutella or cinnamon and sugar. I know, terrible for you

What is the last thing you drew a picture of: Uh me and @psychotic-roach and our pets but I'm self conscious about my art so I just didn't really show it to anyone (sorry Roach, I'm just super shy about my art!)

What would be your dream car: Me and my family had a running joke that I liked Tesla's, so probably a Tesla

Do you sing in the shower: No but I want to, I just don't like people hearing me sing

Do you believe in aliens: I believe we're not alone in the universe, weather it be new life billions of miles away or way advanced life a few galaxies away

Do you often read your horoscope: No, but astrology is fun to fuck with sometimes

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet: probably E or something, it's soothing in a weird way

Dinosaurs or dragons: DRAGONS DRAGONS I LOVE DRAGONS I'M A HUGE HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON NERD!!!

What do you think about babies: They're sweet sometimes, I'm honestly afraid of holding one or having to take care of one though

Freebie! Ask anything you can think of: I can't really think of anything so I guess just @psychotic-roach I love you!! @the-strawzish-clownfish thank you for these painful asks, they were fun :)

[justctraveler]

You (Netflix) Sentences Starters || Episode Ten.

Warning: bad language, references to sex, death, kidnapping & definitely obsession & addiction/drugs

"You think you know my business better than I do?”

“Get in! And you’ll stay in until you understand.”

“I’m here.”

“Why am I in here?”

“You hit me!”

“I didn’t want you to freak out!”

“[name]! I am locked in a glass cage!”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

“I need to know that I can trust you.”

“Everything I have done, I have done for you.”

“I wish I knew what you were thinking.”

“What’s in the box?”

“Tell me you didn’t kill [name].”

“If you knew what I knew.”

“I promised you the truth and I’m going to give you that.”

“Wait, [name], don’t leave!”

“We’re going to get through this.”

“That could have gone worse...”

“Evidence is all I need to prove to you that I’m not some sicko.”

“I’m your protector. You’ll see.”

“You can’t leave me in here.”

"No more secrets. Ask me anything.”

“She needed to own you, to trap you, to make you her pet.”

“I get why you’d be freaked.”

“I know this is a lot, honestly I’m terrified sharing this with you.”

“If we’re being honest, life is better since you met me. You just didn’t know how or why until now.”

“I had to burn his body.”

“She tried to kill me. It was straight up self defence.”

“You don’t understand. Please calm down.”

“You’re a murderer! You’re a freak! Get away from me.”

“Please don’t hurt me.”

“You don’t understand, I would never hurt someone I love.”

“You’re not listening.”

“Help!”

“It’s okay.”

“What were you trying to do to me?”

“I brought you breakfast.”

“I always wondered what that was for.”

“I spent a lot of time in here, when I was younger.”

“Who am I to you?”

“You don’t care about me.”

“This place could be your salvation.”

“In the end, the cage was a good thing to me.”

“I feel bad for you, [name].”

“I’m sorry. I know that was harsh.”

“I just wanna know she’s/he’s safe.”

“I caught her cheating with her therapist.”

“I really think you bring out the best in her/him.”

“Why are you surprised?”

“You seem to be doing a lot better.”

“I think I just made him angrier.”

“I know there’s a good heart in there, somewhere.”

“Can I just PLEASE use the bathroom?”

“This is dehumanising.”

“You can trust me.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“I am so stupid!”

“This whole time, I was wrong.”

“If you see this place as a prison, all you’re going to be is a prisoner!”

“What now, [name]? You’re going to jerk off to my panties?”

“Do you need to cut someone up before you can get hard?!”

“How the hell did you end up here?”

"You paint me up to be this monster.”

“You needed to be saved from the unfairness of everything.”

“You surrounded yourself with the girls you always resented.”

“You hated yourself.”

“You don’t get a happy ending unless you love both of them.”

“Didn’t you ask for it?”

“What if you can’t love him back?”

“What if you’re not the one?”

“If you love me, then it’s only a matter of time.”

“I’m not a selfish person.”

“You said you believe I had a good heart, ‘somewhere’.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Why do you do this?”

“Why do you protect the man who does this to you?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.”

“You have no idea what it takes to live my life.”

“They don’t write books about women like me. No one would think to.”

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

“Does urine even hold DNA?”

“Never let yourself panic, no matter how bad it is.”

“Find a way to stay calm.”

“I’ve been stupid to be mad.”

“i messed up, and you’re tying to help me do better.”

“I know it’s hard to understand.”

“Sometimes we do difficult things out of caring for someone.”

“I know the demons that drive you.”

“I’m trying to teach you a code to live by.”

“I only hope it’ll be enough.”

“I’m sorry that I went a little crazy before.”

“I’m not a killer. I didn’t plan this.”

“What did you miss?”

“You might get exactly what you want.”

“You’re not a monster, [name].”

“For the record, I don’t hate you.”

“I am trying so hard to understand you.”

“Let’s try and figure out a way through this.”

“You little piece of shit.”

“[name] come here, I wanna talk to you.”

“I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“You’re dead.”

"All you have to do is say, you don’t know where he is.”

“[name] will never hurt or scare you ever again.”

“Does that mean it was right to kill him?”

“Sometimes... we do bad things for the people we love. Doesn’t mean it’s right. It means that love is more important.”

"The world is a cruel place.”

“What exactly is this?”

"I was broken, I was trusting, and I needed help.”

“I get it now.”

“You did everything... for me.”

“No one has ever loved me the way you love me.”

“You gave me everything. Let me give this to you.”

“This gave me time to think.”

“I hurt you. I scared you. I understand if you hate me.”

“I love you, actually. More than ever.”

“You take care of me. And no one has ever taken care of me before.”

“I know that I am better with you than without you.”

“I know you don’t trust me enough yet.”

“I know you’re angry.”

“You have no idea what I am, you fucking psychopath.”

“You actually believe that all of this is somehow justified.”

“You are insane!”

“Yeah, I lied. I cheated. But I didn’t stalk you, I didn’t hit you. I didn’t kill people. I didn’t do any of this.”

“There’s not a line in the world that I wouldn’t cross for you.”

“I didn’t need some sociopath on a white horse to clean house.”

“You thought that I would be grateful?”

“You... You are him. You are the bad thing. You are the thing you should have killed.”

“If you let me out.. we can just talk.”

“I think you love it! The power. You love it!”

“You are not special. You’re broken. I could never love you.”

“Rot in there, you psychotic asshole.”

“You’re going to spend the rest of your life in jail.”

“Open this door right now.

“He has killed people. He’s going to kill me. Open this door right now.”

“When [name] locked me in, I learned a big lesson. Hide a spare key so you can get out of the goddamn cage.”

“I didn’t want it to be like this, [name].”

“I know. I know just.. put me back in there.”

“I’m so sorry. It’s really tragic.”

"I miss you so much.”

“it’s been a weird four months. I had to do a lot for you.”

“You wrote the story. All I did was bring it to life.”

“It’s true, maybe not everyone was completely convinced.”

“It was the last thing we ever did together.”

“In the end, you couldn’t love me.”

“I loved you the absolute best I could.”

“It’s sad you’re not here to see it.”

“I know you would be so happy.”

“It’s for the best.”

“I’ll let you say goodbye.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“You know, it’s okay if things are hard sometimes. You can still be a good person.”

“This is good. A fresh start.”

“You’re going to put the bad things behind you.”

“I’m trying. I am.”

“It’s getting harder to live with so much heartbreak.”

“There are days where I just don’t believe in love.”

"So I think we have some unfinished business to talk about.”

[ryoukenkogami]

Schizophrenia Awareness Month 2019 // Day 2: delusions

This… is probably going to be the hardest topic for me to talk about out of all of them to be quite honest. No matter how far I’ve come in the process of accepting myself and being open about my struggles, my delusions are the one thing I’ve very rarely (if at all?) spoken about publicly because quite frankly? I’m still afraid of what people will think of me. They were, however, the first symptom I began experiencing back senior year of high school. At the time I was going through my most prolonged mental health spiral to date and this was also the time period I first started seeing a psychiatrist (and they refused to diagnose me with anything other than severe depression even though I was referred to see one because of my therapist thinking I was displaying traits of type ii bipolar disorder… which I was later diagnosed with that summer, and which my medication for actually helps unlike the ridiculous list of antidepressants they tried to put me on prior to that). At the time my delusions were a safe haven for me; they made me feel like everything going to shit was okay and that I could just ignore it, because in the end none of it would matter. I won’t go into too much detail as like I said I’m still not very comfortable with it, but the long story short is they very prominently had to do with the idea of reality/unreality, which is something that did stick with me and became a very big trigger for more severe psychotic episodes within the next year or so following that. I never realized it was anything “different” than how other people thought at the time because 1)  I didn’t talk to anyone about it anyways because of how innately personal it felt, and 2) I was convinced I was special in a way other people weren’t, so why would I tell them and make them feel bad about themselves? These became more severe when I left for college though and fueled a lot of the bad decision making I did at the time when it came to taking care of my body and the things I would put it through. My favorite story to tell people is about the one time I walked all the way from the state house downtown to Cayce in nearly freezing weather wearing shorts and a crop top just because I was absolutely thoroughly convinced I was not vulnerable to the elements (for those of you not in the Columbia, SC area: this was like an hour walk, and yes I made it perfectly fine) just because it’s one I can laugh about and find pretty funny in retrospect. The reality of it is I was barely eating (maybe one thing that could be considered a small “meal” a week a lot of the time) because of the convictions I held about what my body could go through, I became a (poly)addict because I thought it would give me more insight into my delusions, and in general I did a lot of extremely impulsive and dangerous things that thankfully did not end up causing long-term harm. I still live every day with the same beliefs, but they’re more of a background noise a lot of the time unless something in particular triggers it to blow back up. I haven’t had a really severe psychotic episode where they got to the point they affected how I function in a year now which is a huge relief (the last one was right around this time last year though).

On a less personal note, this topic brings me to something that’s been grating on me more and more over the past few months. Please, for the love of fucking god, can we stop using “delusional” as an insult. Collectively we’re at the point where most people who’re respectful towards those with mental illnesses have stopped using terms like “psycho” to describe people, and some have opted away from “crazy” too (which I appreciate), but “delusional” is one I still see CONSTANTLY from people who otherwise seem to be big advocates for awareness and respect, including non-psychotics who have mental illnesses themselves. Psychotic disorders are some of the most heavily stigmatized, and this does absolutely nothing beyond reinforce the idea that delusions are something to be shamed and othered for; it’s the reason I feel afraid to talk about mine too. The stigma surrounding them feels heavier than the other positive symptoms of psychosis for me, including hallucinations. At least with those, people have some kind of understanding of them (whether it’s exactly accurate or not…) and are more likely to display concern rather than disgust. Delusions don’t get the same sympathy. Delusions mean “there’s something seriously wrong with you, you need help, you must be crazy to believe something like that!” and it seriously pisses me off so much. Do you think we don’t know there’s something different about us? Believe it or not, many of us are self-aware and realize that these things are delusions. That does not, however, make them any less real to us and you trying to convince us otherwise does infinitely more harm than good.

Delusional people deserve respect, and it’s something we often aren’t given. Delusional has become synonymous in most people’s minds with irrational behavior, when it’s a term many with psychosis feel wary to even use to describe their experiences out of extreme fear for how we’ll be perceived by those we love and trust, let alone the general public.

Respect people with delusions, whether they’re delusions of persecution, of grandeur, somatic, or anything else, and using “delusional” as a pejorative for people you think are being irrational. I promise, there will always be a much better way to describe someone without using a word that demonizes a serious symptom of psychosis, and, given that the rates for schizophrenia alone are 1 in 100 people (I say this because there are quite a few other mental illnesses that can cause psychosis/specifically delusions) they likely affect someone you know and care about.

[createdtogetbored]

Riverdale 3×10

So writing these long ass text posts is actually really fun for me and if you actually read it thank youuuuu  😚 (this one is veryyyy long sorry)

Soooo i was expecting a follow up from the previous episode but they most likely couldn’t find a logical explanation as to how he survived.

Hiram and Archie’s relationship remind of me and my ex’s relationship like what Archie thinks of Hiram is exactly how i feel about my exes is it fucked up in their part or my part? Well who knows?

VARCHIE

Veronica is worried about Archie’s hair the second she saw him is so character for her.

I was screaming DO NOT KISS the entire time, and i’m sorry but i will always be bitter and angry to Veronica that she kissed Archie. You may not agree but i wouldn’t do that. Ohhh nevermind they literally had sex? Ohh that is just great Veronica wow. I’m disappointed.

I am starting to believe they have a unhealthy relationship like Dawson and Joey if you watched Dawson’s Creek. It’s like they need each other so much that they can’t survive individually. And i am one of those people who think that’s not romantic but toxic. They had to kiss or had sex because it’s like necessity for their life. Doesn’t matter the consequence which is hurting someone (Reggie)

“What did i miss when i was gone?”

Betty’s look sums it up lol 😕🙄😅

HONEY

They really did throw him a party huh?

“Take a seat lover, let me entertain you”

meanwhile

*Reggie dies internally while watching them*

Veronica wtf

Bughead was so cringe at the party they look so unnatural 🤢

Someone singing for you and looking into your eyes in front of a lot of people while your best friend is dying of jealousy hmmm love that

I watched Reggie the whole scene he literally try to act like he didn’t care offf

And Archie PTSD from the whole thing someone help him pls this town need a psychiatrist more than a sheriff

Archie you don’t study the SAT’s for a day or two it’s a processes you can take it again it’s okay

Archie is me taking an exam

Archie is not okay someone fucking do something

I was never tired of Varchie having sex too much but they really think ‘will you stay with me?’ means sex i-

Ras wtf? Veronica crying while taking her shirt off?

Thay act like a rebound relationship?

Varchie has been dead for a WHILE

JERONICA

THE POP’S SCENE

People say it’s a core four scene but i say it’s a Jeronica scene and you know it sis

“ two chocolate, one vanilla...” TWO BEING JUGHEAD AND VERONICA. These kind of subtle things make me wanna believe they know our existences and they are teasing us for a possible romance help

“Thankfully i hired the Serpents as my full time protecters”

JUGHEAD’S LOOK AFTER THAT SENTENCE IS EVERYTHING LADYS AND GENTLEMAN WE DID IT

it’s like gratitude.

“Sorry Veronica”

“Don’t be”

I-

HE FUCKING CARES ABOUT HER EMOTIONS AND RESPECTS HER NOW AGAIN IT’S OVER YOU BIETCHHES

VEGGIE

MY HEART BROKEN INTO MILLION PIECES CAN YOU HEAR IT????

“I get it. Archie’s back enough said” that is just i- And his voice is so sad like he is about to cry or something

I AM INCREDIBLY ANGRY TO VERONICA SHE COULD’VE HANDLE THE SITUATION WAAAAY BETTER

Don’t get me wrong i still love her very much but am i wrong on this? Maybe getting with Reggie while Archie was gone is way worse but idk i don’t think this as a character regression but she could’ve handled it better

The secret meetings they are doing idk maaan 

Reggie is pissed and i’m alllll for it

While he was shouting at Archie his voice cracked and i died at that point. ‘Like a little bitch’ that did it for me

“Love doesn’t come easily to me these days” I’m a Reggie stan now, okay? The damage has been done

That scene where they talked about cheating. WHY IS IT SO UNDERRATED? I love it, cause it was a whole misunderstanding and then it was too late to fix it’s such Reggie and Archie thing too

That hug at the hospital is 💗💞💘💝💕💕💖  “come here”

COOPERS

I AM SORRY I DON’T LIKE BETTY BUT UMMMM ALICE YOU ARE BEING A HOE STOP IT.

When she said collage found i lost it and she fucking gave it to the farm offffff when did she become a dumb person? When?

I actually felt bad for Betty i have a heart god dammit

I’m still not buying Hal as blackhood sue me

you know this whole messed up dad thing could’ve work if they didn’t make him so submissive at the very start

Celebrating with milk seems oddly psychotic to me

Betty talking to a serial killer aka her dad as if he is therapist killed me

BARCHIE

Omfg when Betty holds Archie’s hand Jughead’s look was sus

Barchie’s relationship is all about trust and if you ask me that’s one big thing bughead doesn’t have so Barchie has a strong foundation sissies you heard it from here first lol

DADDIES (Omg sorry)

Frad and FP

THAT’S HOT (insert will smith voice)

FRED WENT OF HE SNAPPED ON HIRAM and i support it fully and FP’s smile is fucking everything he is like “yes he is my boyfriend how are ya?”

“Sheriff Jones now boy” best part of the episode fight me

ACTUAL PLOT lol

I’m calling it now FANGS IS NOT SAVE SOMETHING’S GONNA HAPPEN TO HIM AND I WILL SUE JUGHEAD

And the most fucked up thing is that Jughead doesn’t even care he puts Fangs life into danger??? Wtf

You’re saying no one knows who Fangs Fogarty is or didn’t look him up? They don’t think a former Serpent member wanting to be in their inner circle sus?

The reaction of Fangs and Sweet Pea when they heard that he killed Joaquin 💖💕💘💗💓💞💖💗💘

So is THE GARGOYLE KING is really tall boy?

Okay hold on hold on JUGHEAD, wtf??? Baiting Archie to Hiram is so messed up? And you’re talking about it like it is a fucking marvelous of a plan

No, you obviously have some PTSD Archie omg

Sweet Pea and Fangs killing someone accidentally is the funniest dumbest shit ever i love them

That scene was really good

Oh btw Jughead ‘no crimes’ Jones how do they have a gun honey?

“We’re gonna throw a party”

“Okay”

AND THAT’S HOW WE FIX EVERYTHING IN RIVERDALE

Jughead being calm like that worries me you are 16 year old boy trying to cover up a murder AGAIN like that’s his friday night plansWe’re welcoming Fangs but not Choni love that for you guys heheheh

HERMIONE AND HIRAM 

“Hiram no”

“Hmmmm”

Damnnnn sis i’m surprised Hermione

Hermione will have an alliance with FP/Fred (they are one) and

Veronica will have an alliance with Jughead/ Serpents

“That’s how i stay alive” ashhsjskskskal

Hermione and FP love that ally

NO CHONI THIS EPISODE  :(

Share your comments if you want cause idk what to think about the whole Reggie-Veronica- Archie thing 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 040: Deku VS Todoroki (Conclusion)

Previously on BnHA: Oh god. Shouto flashed back repeatedly to his horrific childhood. Deku decimated basically his entire body in his quest to get Todoroki to finally use his left side. Like, he literally chose the most perverse and insane possible way to do this. For reasons I can’t begin to fathom, none of the adults bothered to intervene in this bloodbath. My god it pissed me off so much. Anyway, Todoroki finally did realize that his power is his own and he can use it without it automatically meaning that he’s giving in to his evil father. It made him very happy and was a very powerful moment tbh. BUT AT WHAT COST.

Today on BnHA: Deku and Todoroki nearly blow up the stadium and each other before the U.A. faculty FINALLY steps in. Deku is blown out of bounds and the fight ends. Endeavor is all, YESSSSS, JOIN ME AND TOGETHER WE CAN RULE THE GALAXY AS FATHER AND SON but Shouto is just, WHATEVER, I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT YOU and it’s the best. All Might and Deku have an emotional moment in the nurse’s office while Recovery Girl is just like, “smdh.” Basically the manga shyly offers me an apology and a bouquet of flowers for putting me through all of that bullshit in the last chapter, and LIKE A FOOL I fall for it hook, line and sinker.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 94 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

so here we are at chapter 40. officially about 20% of the way through the story so far. a lot has happened! Deku has learned to control his powers! somehow it’s made absolutely no difference in terms of how frequently he’s been gravely injured! in fact if anything it’s all gotten much, much worse!

oh my god Endeavor is jumping up in the stands and fucking SCREAMING about how Shouto’s finally accepted his blood and now he can finally fulfill his (Endeavor’s) ambitions

someone push him down these stairs

oh my god the chapter is titled “Emancipation.” lol I assume it’s metaphorical, but what I wouldn’t fucking give for Shouto to somehow legally tell his dad to just fuck off forever

Mic calls Endeavor a “doting parent.” that’s... a take. possibly the most ironic fucking thing anyone has ever said

Aizawa seems to know a little bit more about Shouto’s history with his dad though, since he’s thinking to himself that they’re not on good terms. but maybe he just figured that out from Shouto’s insistence on not using his left side

Todoroki is completely thawed out now and on fucking fire and Deku is grinning and Shouto asks him what the fuck he’s smiling about lol. he’s smiling because he helped you, silly! but yes you’re right he is totally fucking screwed

can we get this match ended at last please?? can we get a fucking mercy rule implemented into this fucking tournament

please help me out here, U.A. as unfathomably badass as Todoroki is at full power, I really don’t want to sit through another whole fucking chapter of Deku doing insane things he really shouldn’t be able to do

you know what I would enjoy, though? a quick cut to show how the villains are reacting to all of this. or Deku’s mom, for that matter! assuming she hasn’t passed out or anything. but even if she did, she said she was recording it, so

(ETA: lol are you guys sick of me speculating about Deku’s mom every five paragraphs yet)

DEKU YOUR SECRET IS FUCKING OUT NOW. IT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE, QUITE HONESTLY

and finally Cementoss is springing into action. JESUS CHRIST. TAKE YOUR TIME WHY DON’T YOU. honestly, both he and Midnight -- and really the entire faculty -- are lucky if they’re not charged with child endangerment after all of this

(ETA: well I’m glad U.A.’s student safety record does actually become a plot point later. but slightly annoyed that no one had any problem with this particular spectacle and that it only became an issue after the second villain attack)

having no self-preservation instincts isn’t a fucking superpower and it isn’t something children should be aspiring to

fucking look at these idiots

DON’T EXPECT A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FROM ME NOW, CEMENTOSS

jesus there was like a fucking shockwave. that was all Deku, I’m sure. the giant fire tornado erupting from the stadium is all Todoroki, though!

I’m pretty sure everyone in the stadium just collectively shat their pants

lol forever if a single one of the heroes in the stands even thinks about having the audacity to think they could ever claim either of these two as a sidekick after this. no matter who it is, THEY’RE THE ONES WHO WOULD BE THE FUCKING SIDEKICK

fucking I don’t even know, Mic

so who fucking won. was it a tie?

there’s so much fucking steam from all of the suddenly-melted ice

that shit should be scalding Deku and Shouto both. but we’ve long since torpedoed past the boundaries of realism within this particular fight

there’s a panel of Deku’s shoe but not showing the rest of him...

HE’S OUT OF BOUNDS. OH MY GOD. PRAISE ALL MIGHT. FUCKING FINALLY THIS FIGHT IS FUCKING OVER

so Todoroki moves on to round three

no matter who wins in the Shiozaki/Iida match, they should just fucking forfeit afterward lmao

the audience can’t understand what Deku’s strategy was. there’s no point in trying to understand it, he was basically just trying to make his friend feel better to the point that he became near-suicidal in that pursuit

still, would anyone in this crowd actually want to fuck with him after witnessing that??

YOU DON’T COUNT

lol do you still want these two as your rivals though. and Deku went and made your job even harder for you

and he overheard that conversation earlier, so he understands the significance of what just went down better than anyone else in this audience

oh look, Shouto is being confronted by a walking piece of flaming shit. what an interesting sight

he says Shouto is finally ready to replace him. fucking get over yourself. I’m trying to think of truly awful things to compare you to but I’m so mad I can’t even come up with any

but he seems to think that this means Shouto is done “rebelling” and has anyone ever been so wrong before I wonder

FUCKING YESS

YESSSS RIGHT IN HIS PRIDE

AND NOW HE’S WALKING AWAY

SHOUTO STAY RIGHT THERE!! I’M COMING AROUND!! GOT A BIG HIGH FIVE WITH YOUR NAME ON IT

aaaaand the nurse’s office again!!

so just how dead is Deku this time

shit

shit. I hope they maxed out his painkillers, this poor stupid fucking kid

WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE GOING TO TELL HIS MOTHER GODDAMMIT

and okay but, can you please stop putting it on All Might though. yes he put pressure on Deku, but Deku’s inner fire has like a psychotic edge to it that even he couldn’t have ever anticipated. All Might told him to go out there with a smile, not screaming like a madman and methodically breaking all of his bones one by one

also, he didn’t anticipate Shouto’s involvement in all this and just how far Deku would go for him

which, by the way, I know there’s a sizable chunk of the fandom that ships TodoDeku (or really it’d probably be the other way round wouldn’t it), and like, it’s hard not to see why. you know I’m all about that BakuDeku ship, but Deku clearly has a lot of love to go around. lots of terrifying, violent love

anyway, the point is this wasn’t All Might’s doing. he’s not fucking Dumbledore manipulating the poor kid left and right. he’s still new to being a mentor and he vastly underestimated his protege’s propensity for getting himself deep into the shit

Recovery Girl says All Might better not praise him for what he did. okay, yeah, that I can 100% agree with. it wasn’t healthy or sane or smart by any stretch, and it accomplished absolutely nothing that a couple of sessions with a halfway decent therapist couldn’t have done. though from what I’ve seen, I’m not sure if this school believes in things like therapists

and here comes the fam

oh shit I just realized All Might is still in Skinny Steve form

um

-- DEKU IS CONSCIOUS???!

HELLO NICE TO MEET YOU

DEKU IS FUCKING CONSCIOUS THOUGH??!

I HOPE HE’S DOPED UP TO THE NINES

apparently they took a break to repair the arena

this piece of shit is expressing an opinion I happen to agree with. it happens

but that’s okay because Deku doesn’t need to be some stupid shitty so-called pro’s shitty sidekick. I hate like 90 percent of the pros outside of the U.A. faculty anyway

well. but Best Jeanist though...

now Recovery Girl is chasing them all out and saying he’s about to have surgery

they’re all like “SURGERY?!” YES, SURGERY. WERE YOU NOT WATCHING THE SAME FIGHT THAT I WAS

sdlfkhl damn it and Deku’s apologizing now

he’s so fucking out of it, I can’t be mad at him even though I was so fucking mad at him!!! you idiot!!

All Might, hey, hold it. wait up. dude. you don’t get openly emotional and you never have up till this point so don’t start now when it’s so late and I’m not prepared. if you lose it even the slightest degree I will literally be a mess

and now All Might is realizing Deku was trying to get Todoroki to get over his hangups

and Deku’s saying yes, because “it was just too sad...”

does All Might know what he’s talking about? he can probably guess some of it, but he doesn’t know just how bad it was with Todoroki and Endeavor

Deku says he tried to mind his own business, but he couldn’t take it

“it was so frustrating.” kid, I 100% agree. but like, you and I have different approaches to solving problems like this oh my god

anyways so he completely forgot about his goal of winning the tournament and “lost himself”

well at least this exonerates All Might from having had anything to do with this outcome. just in case he was prepared to blame himself

Deku hasn’t cried once during any of this, incidentally. is he just too exhausted

he needs huuuuuuugs. surgery and then hugs!!

you know what could have changed what happened. literally anyone intervening at any point before the match actually ended

ooooh just like that I’m starting to get mad all over again lol. but not at you, All Might. and not at Deku, who was clearly out of his mind, just totally off the rails with his psychotic good intentions

“however, giving help that’s not asked for... is part of what makes a true hero.” awww ;_;

look, again, I don’t deny that Shouto needed help in some shape or form

and I guess all’s well that ends... sort of... okay

just. wow, what a fucking outcome. what a train wreck of a battle. that was something, all right

“Midoriya Izuku... finished in the top eight”

and the chapter ends

bonus

looks like we’re done with character profiles for the time being! NOW IT’S COSTUME COMMENTARY OH GOODY :D :D :D

how much of this did Bakugou design himself, I wonder? he probably just explained how his quirk worked and what he wanted the gauntlet thing to do and that he wanted it to look cool (by his weird definition of cool)

I really love Bakugou’s quirk. I don’t know if I’ve said this. but it’s probably my second or third favorite, after Ochako’s and possibly Aizawa’s. just something about explosions. I’ve been a Gokudera fangirl for too long lol. and I also love his fighting style and his blasting all over the place

look at the thought that went into even the fucking grenade pin design

Bakugou can fucking blow shit up with his knees?? holy shit. I thought those were just weird Mad Max style knee pads lmao

(ETA: I think maybe by “kill with his knees” they just mean he could like. crush some poor dude or something. just bludgeon them or some shit. how violent)

and he can put his explosive sweat into the grenades on his belt too. “what’s the point?” well, you never know. plus it looks cool to have the grenades there on his belt

“all in all: heartless” this guy never stops shitting on my favorite character lol

[bastardmotherfucker]

this is tmi but no one follows this blog anyways. i am 90% sure, maybe 95%, that I'm pmsing bc I woke up ungodly horny and that persisted /all fucking day/. Lack of appetite + bloating, extra fatigued lately. my cycle does seem to be changing to more mid month so, if it's not pms i guess it's just bad luck. being horny is kind of miserable. i actually genuinely hate it. for reasons i actually won't go into tonight on the internet (I know, shocking. what happened to mason, right ?)

but also, emotionally, i feel fucking all over the place. It's like a vibrating excess that my body can't physically contain. I feel overwhelmed with love for Arei and I feel overwhelmed by consciousness and being a person, my constantly changing (perception of) my body, anxiety about lingering dream feelings, about how much i feel like I don't know how to be a person and how little i feel like I've improved my social skills over the last 3 years and why that's such a big deal and a big problem. also a lot of like: My therapist is right, that there's no way I could prove Arei's existence to anyone. And how much I wish people could see Arei the way I do, see him for who and what he is. and how like, Arei is really completely my foundation for my perception of everything. And I mean, that thought in particular has been on my mind again a lot the last couple weeks, but seriously !! I don't think I could understand anything if Arei wasn't real. I don't think I could make sense of anything. Arei's existence has at many many times felt more real than I could even be sure of my own existence. and I've always, always known how crazy everything sounds and looks. There are reasons that before 2015, I only talked about Arei with one person. being told i was psychotic was literally no fucking surprise. It doesn't really take much even back when I was a middle schooler, let alone in 2015, to understand that if you hear and see things that other people can't, that means you're crazy. It's crazy that I really believe that I'm the reincarnation of a dead man from 19th century russia, who told me all about death and the afterlife, who's job it is to record my memories. It's crazy that he's not the only one, either ! Sabbath was called by dr's a "commanding voice" or something, in 2015. Arei's not a hallucination. Arei isn't a symptom of psychosis. I don't care if literally everything else was/is misinterpreted, the only thing I feel I can ever be sure of is that Arei is real. And if Arei isn't real, I don't know how to understand anything at all. It throws absolutely everything about my life into question. Everything about any perception of reality, about whether absolutely anything is real. If Arei isn't real, I have no way of knowing anything else is either. It's literally impossible. If Arei isn't real I'm not here typing this right now. If Arei isn't real I can't be sure of anything, I don't know anything. Arei is my foundation for everything, and the only person I've wholly trusted.

[samtheflamingomain]

sometimes

Sometimes, it's been a while since I thought about the day I got kicked out. Sometimes I miss my parents even though I shouldn't.

Quick recap: Feb 10, 2018. I sneak upstairs to steal my parents' weed while my dad is asleep and my mother is visiting family up north.

I honestly don't know what possessed me that night. I've never snooped on anyone's phone before. But his was right there, next to the weed, charging. I opened it.

He didn't have a password and the last app he used was text. To text his mistress. A fucking bible-thumping volunteer at the homeless shelter he volunteered at. To "get him out of the house" once a week. Apparently helping the homeless was a side-effect of his "chasing 20-yo ass" agenda.

This absolute steaming piece of shit human being Lisa, well, she was in need of a place to stay a few years ago, and I was at college, so I said of course she can stay in my room for a few weeks!

They probably fucked in my fucking childhood bed. Fuckin homewrecking slut. If I knew her last name, I probably would've killed her for what she did. When I was kicked out, I was in a manic phase. I spent DAYS trying to find her just so I could inform her that she literally ruined my life. To this day, I hope she fucking burns to death. SLOWLY.

And that's nothing compared to Scott. I hope he is kidnapped, tortured, and forcibly castrated. He deserves it. He's a monster.

Don't believe me? Once I had taken picture of his texts with my phone and sent them to my sister so she could show our mother (up north), he deleted them like I thought he would. Then, within 10 minutes of my mother returning from my sister's, where she'd been presented with the proof, Scott brought up the fact that Lisa had been here to her, saying she came by to help with a reno. I immediately questioned him about it, because I had been out that night. Same night he begged her to come over and fuck him.

"Oh Lisa came by? You never mentioned it to me". I kept going like this and he had an instant answer for everything. Finally I just showed him my phone and said "She came by to help in the kitchen? Cuz that's not what this sounds like."

Whaaaat I've neeeeverrrr seen that beforeeee whaaat did you snoop on my phone? Well that's fucking unbelievable, go to your basement that's awful.

And my mom was such a fucking limp piece of shit idiot and was like yeah! Don't snoop on his phone! I know my own husband! I'd know if he cheated!

So which is it? I completely made it up or I shouldn't be snooping on his phone? Cuz if I made it up, did I even snoop? Logic failed these assholes.

So I went to my basement and spent 12 hours pulling up articles and research to prove Scott is a lying sack of shit. At 9am I go upstairs and present it to my absolutely braindead mother.

The first tab I had was about gaslighting. She started with "pfft that's not a thing." I was losing my mind that she was gaslighting me about the very concept of gaslighting existing.

I tried to move on but she simply believed she "knew" he didn't do anything.

I asked her one thing: when you went to bed last night. Were the sheets washed?

Yes.

I'd asked him if he'd done laundry recently and he said no.

Well maybe they weren't washed...

Bitch, if you can't tell if your own sheets have been washed after 55 years on this planet you're either a zombie or lying. I did not say this.

Instead, she accused me of making up everything and told me she would not have a "psychotic liar" in her house and I had to leave now. I was manic, but psychotic I was not. And liar just made me snap.

So I complied. Went downstairs, packed my shit, and called up Scott, who was at his volunteer/cheating job. Told him he's a piece of shit, that Lois was kicking me out, and I was no longer his son. He tried to play his games with me but I was done. I told him straight up, there's literally nothing you can say that will make me believe you. He started to confess.

I sprinted up the stairs, put him on speakerphone in front of my mother. He said "Even if I did what you think I did it's not your business". I raised my eyebrows at my mother.

Then she said, "That's true" and he heard and hung up immediately. Somehow this STILL wasn't proof enough for my fucking idiot of a mother. Honestly, I actually thought she was a smart person before this but now I legit think she has a learning/breathing/existing disorder. No rational human with 2 braincells to rub together is as fucking stupid as this woman I swear to god. Her face should be in place of the dictionary definition of "braindead". I'm honestly impressed that she dresses herself every day. She has the mental capacity of a flipphone.

I resumed packing, then headed for the door.

Then Scott came home. We had a brief shouting match, most of which was Scott trying to redirect everything toward "how dare you snoop my phone" and for some reason Lois ate into it. Maybe because she's the stupidest human on God's Green Earth.

I'm walking out. He gets between me and the door and says quietly, "All you have to do is say you made it up, apologize, and you can stay."

I regret not punching him square in the balls. I flipped him off and literally never saw him again. I unfortunately had to meet with my mother a few times to negotiate the return of my belongings and cat, but it's been 4 years and I've rarely looked back.

But sometimes I do. Sometimes I hear something that would be funny to us as a family because of an inside joke. Sometimes people talk about forgiveness and I wonder if I should try it. Sometimes I have days that I know my parents would've been able to help with just by being older.

But those are all false hope, nostalgia and lies. My mother never would've been able to talk me out of the anxiety attack that I had today like my roommate did. She probably would've accused me of making it up. Because she's a piece of shit borderline retarded person.

Maybe it's petty after all these years, but when I write it all out, it always makes me mad all over again. Sometimes I just remember the attacks on me and I do wonder if I made it all up. Sometimes it takes another writing out of everything that happened that day for me to realize how truly fucked it was. To remember just how betrayed I was at every single turn.

How every single member of my family. one by one as I called number after number refused to "get involved" even after I told them I had literally nowhere to go. I called my grandmother 7 times while I was staying at the very homeless shelter at which my father met his fuck buddy who somehow loves Jesus and thinks he'd be totally cool with fucking a married man. Definitely a great citizen in Lisa. God, I hope she suffers deeply. I mean it. Scott is absolutely a fuckhead, but goddamn, to homewreck someone who gave you shelter in your time of need? I hope Hell exists just so she can dedicate her whole life to Jesus then end up there anyway because she's shit.

The instant I saw the texts I knew I couldn't NOT tell my mother. And because of that, when Scott offered his "deal" at the door it didn't even occur to me to acquiesce. I can't imagine sitting on a lie like that for the rest of my life. I literally chose homelessness over safety.

I once phrased it that way to a therapist and he said very frankly, "That's kind of incredible that you didn't even accept that as an option. A lot of people would." It did not even enter my head. He was just lying and I had Enough.

Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I had taken the deal. I really can't picture it because it's just not in me to live a lie.

Sometimes I actually wonder what if I had lied for him? What if I used it as extorion? What if I blackmailed him into doing shit for me? Well, I doubt it would even work, but also, it's just not my nature.

And then sometimes I get dark. I live in Canada. Hard to get a gun. What if we lived in the States and Scott had a gun? I might not be here. I no longer hold any doubt that Lois would've helped bury me in the yard after proving what a spineless fuck she is.

Sometimes it's hard. But sometimes it's easy. When I started writing this it was hard, but now that I've laid it all out and reread it, it's a lot easier to say "I did the best I could." and have that be okay.

Yes, even 4 years later, I'm still extremely salty and bitter. But really, how can I not be? The people I were supposed to trust immediately revealed themselves to be massive sacks of shit. I'll NEVER forgive either of them. They could give me a million dollars and I still won't go to their funerals.

I know it's probably not great to hold in all this hatred, but honestly, I think I need it. I need to hate my parents because they're terrible people, and it took this for me to truly understand how little they actually care about me.

They've never reached out. Just went on with their lives. The only family member I speak to is Scott's mother.

She was the first one I called when I became homeless. She said she didn't believe me and hung up. But she's also my favorite grandparents I knew she was just acting on instinct. So a month later I called her again, and as I expected, she gushed out apologies. She knows he cheated after talking with him. She still loves him as her son but she understands what I went through and I call her monthly. She actually beats herself up about that first phone call where she said she straight up thinks I'm lying. She says she should've listened to my story. She should've taken me in. I don't blame her anymore. I finally told her I forgive her for that first call and she was nearly in tears thanking me. She's a religious woman so she actually talked about praying for forgiveness about it. She's a good woman. Even though she rejected me at first, I understand it, and because she said she's sorry so deeply, I believe it. Nobody else has said a word to me in 4 years.

Well this is 10x longer than I intended.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[mentalhealthsessionswithmarc]

I love you! HATE YOU! Please Don’t Leave!

Today we are talking about one of the most negatively viewed mental illnesses in it’s spectrum. Borderline Personality Disorder. This topic alone brings me nothing but bad memories. People who have BPD are pretty much the redheaded stepchild of anyone who has a mental illness. What’s worse is most who have this illness know that. As you may be aware I was diagnosed with this disorder last year and it really crushed my world. I never really got over the fact that at the time, I thought I had a serious problem. Again, I remind you all that I have been recently re-evaluated and been dismissed of the illness. But while I was living with the symptoms, I did in fact lead the life of a true borderline. And within this time, I really did my homework and became proactive. It’s how I discovered mindfulness. And in a short period of time, I became somewhat of a walking textbook on the illness. And today I am going to shed some light on this widely misunderstood disease. 

People with this illness usually have a history of trauma or abuse. It usually starts when they’re young and at adolescence manifests into more of what’s outwardly seen as BPD.  As I previously mentioned in a prior blog, it is very similar to Bipolar Disorder. The main difference however is evident in behavior. Bipolar patients have a cycle where their moods may change from one end of the spectrum to another. In between these cycles, they actually have a break and can function like a person without the disorder. That alone is what makes living with someone with bipolar so challenging. Just when you get a break and everything is right, the cycle changes and equally damages both people in the relationship. Borderlines, however, don’t get this period of peace. It’s a battle without end. And the mood swings are more violent and can change multiple times in the course of a day...sometimes at it’s most severe, they can rotate multiple times in the course of hours. There is literally no peace or mental calmness. The mind is hyperactive with many trains of thought going on at the same time. Usually this mental barrage is racing and very conflicting. Conspiracy and paranoid thoughts are common. Any self-deprecating and demeaning trains of thought are mainstays. This mental overload does spill out and become either verbal or physical. 

It is also to be said that people with this disorder have an extremely tainted view of reality. The victim mindset is a hallmark of the disease. They will truly believe everyone, especially the ones closest to them are judging them or conspiring against them. A simple glance or passing comment can be seen as an attack. Conflict is a mainstay. But after conflict, they want the love or attention of the offended party. They have no understanding of empathy. The biggest hallmark of someone with the disorder is attachment issues. The whole title of the blog is basically the mentality of someone with the disorder. That’s why it is hard to maintain a relationship with someone who is borderline. You do not know who this person is going to be on a daily basis. I remember at the height of my illness I described to my physician and my wife that I felt like Dr. Jeckyl & Mr. Hyde. There were actual days were I felt and acted like myself, then as with a flick of a switch everything changed. I was depressed, thinking something was going to happen, thinking I knew everything that was going on in everyone else’s head. I felt a constant need to defend myself. I was extremely defensive. I had no reason why at times. Sometimes a random thought entered my head and the scale tipped. Once the scale tips, there is no turning back. Not until it’s done with you anyway. Sometimes, I wasn’t wrong. I was being done wrong. I was being cheated on and was being spoken to in a very slanderous way. But the line was always blurred. I’m certain there were times where I unjustly had confrontation and hurt my significant other. I was never physically abusive. It was just arguing. Constantly. That is something at times I still have a hard time coming to terms with. I never really meant to do harm. This behavior and the type of relationships tend to be the same with everyone. Friends, family, and coworkers alike. All relationships with a borderline are challenged and volatile, which further isolates the person with the disease. They don’t really have anyone because they have pushed everyone away. 

This, however, was not true of me. I maintained excellent relationships with friends and coworkers. I was a completely different person at work. And in all honesty, I had closer relationships with the people at work than I did with my spouse. I was honestly happier there than at home. It was the only place where I felt like me. It was my happy place. Once I told my doctor that, it cast a completely different light on my illness. A borderline is a borderline no matter where they are. It is truly black and white for them. I never had a fight with anyone at work. In fact all I did while working was constantly joke and carry on. I loved to be around people and they liked to be around me. Ultimately this was the deciding factor along with my symptoms disappearing completely withing ninety days of leaving my wife. It was all situational. A borderline doesn’t suddenly get better. If I were truly a borderline, I would be at all of my roommates’ throats and more than likely I would be homeless. Without help, a borderline really doesn’t have any other path than the one their illness sends them on. 

That being said, there IS help for a borderline. There are borderlines who are happily married and are parents. I once saw an article where a therapist was pretty much black-balling people with this disease. Said therapist put it out in the open that people with this disease are destined to be alone. He encouraged the stigma. He went on record saying the best way to interact with them is to leave them alone and avoid them at all costs. The comments on this video were even more incendiary. People saying things such as they are overgrown children that have no emotional maturity and a lot worse. This guy was also an advocate for ex-spouses and partners who lived with a borderline. Now there is no doubt if a borderline goes undiagnosed and is in a non-supportive relationship, the other party may be in as much need of therapy as the one with the illness. There are places for someone afflicted with BPD to go. There is a line of therapy made especially for this disease. Marsha Linnehan created something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. The program speaks for itself. Most who go through this practice come out much better people. Some even gain so much control over their issues that they make what’s pretty much the equivalent of a full recovery. There are also drugs that can help treat this disorder. I am on a mood stabilizer called Seroquel. It’s a second generation anti-psychotic. What’s also interesting is the same medications are used on bipolar patients. Another stabilizer I was on was Lamictal. It did absolutely nothing for me. But others have made great strides while on it. There are more. It just depends on the severity of your mood disorder and what your doctor deems necessary to treat it. This also proves with the right medication and therapy, things even as bleak as this disease can be helped. Things aren’t as black, white, and ugly as one would sell. However, what’s equally as important is the support system. If you aren’t in a supportive environment, nothing will ever change or get better. So, if you know a borderline or are in a relationship with one, avoidance is not the answer. They need someone in their corner more than ever. And maybe with a little push, you can help them get the help they need. Never give up on someone who needs you, despite the obstacles you may see. Group therapy is also recommended for people with this disorder. Along with that so is relationship counselling. If you are a partner or someone living with a borderline, it is equally important for you to learn and understand what your person is going through. You can’t help someone if you don’t know what they’re dealing with. You need to have the courage and dedication to support and help them. They will appreciate it more than you will ever know. 

I hope if any of you who read this has this illness, or someone you love does, please know or let them know there is help. It’s the first step in attaining the life they want and need. There is no need to remain hidden in the shadow of self shame and isolation. There are people just like you. And there are people who understand and care. I hope this reaches you and inspires you to get out there and seek the change you need. And if you are a partner or friend I hope this gives you the knowledge and inspiration you need to see your loved one through. It’s only through togetherness and resilience that we end the stigma and find our own peace. 

Until next time,

Marc

[a-woman-apart]

“Do Not Refrigerate”

It is truly astonishing how difficult it is for me to let go and relax. Yes, I know; there is a name for that, and it’s called anxiety. It is also a treatable medical condition. There are therapies, medications, and exercises for it. Breathe deeply, count to ten, write a list of fears and then remind yourself how unfounded they are. Then there is my favorite of all- think positively. Remember how most fears don’t ever come to fruition- this is true- but if you are an Evangelical remember that what Job feared most is what he got, so nip that fear in the bud. Never mind the added pressure that is caused by thinking that being afraid you will fail will make you fail.  

It is a strange dissonance. My mood is still happy and optimistic, but the shadow of anxiety looms heavy in my mind. Today, I was pacing back and forth and talking to myself with the utmost vehemence and urgency. If I were still religious, it would have been a great time to pray, and that was just one of the things that I was “discussing” with myself. That, and going over my plans over and over. I know that no plan is truly foolproof, and that things never turn out exactly the way that you expect them to. That didn’t stop me from continuing to talk to myself all the way up until I had to get out of my car and walk into work.

Underneath all this surface-level worry and concern, is the underlying fear that if I ease my grip on things even slightly, I will lose everything. Never mind that I have been successfully managing my life for the past 5-6 years. My self-confidence is very low. I don’t think that I’m the scum of the earth, I just think that I’m incompetent. I had never taken the time before to stop and think of it, but that is really what I think. My boyfriend snarkily cries “imposter syndrome.” I struggle because admitting that it is imposter syndrome is saying that I really am good at things, but I just can’t see it myself. I’m convinced that I really am one step away from self-destruction, and I just graduated with an Associate degree. Maybe that is the very definition of imposter syndrome; after all, the more you achieve, the worse- not better- it tends to get. It is a vicious cycle that can tear a person apart inside, unless they get outside help.

I know that my anxiety is something that I will have to bring up more in therapy. In my last therapy session, my therapist and I spent the whole session talking about my options for me after graduation and going into the next degree plan. I really was happy with that, but I guess we both forgot for a second that I’m atypical. “Normal” people don’t spend five years in and out of mental hospitals, including one in another state. Also, lots of mentally ill people don’t come back from that. It’s been years, but that past doesn’t really seem that distant. I feel as though I am just holding on unsteadily to the broken pieces of my former life and struggling to keep myself whole. I still feel fraught with fractures. Self-doubt is something I will have to discuss along with the anxiety.

I get reassurances everywhere that I turn, but I still feel unsure of myself. My therapist has praised me, telling me that most people aren’t able to achieve the level of functioning that I have. Here I am, taking my medicine regularly, attending all my doctor appointments, living in my own apartment, working steadily at a job, and now, I’ve graduated community college. My caseworker told me that I am an ideal client. I got good evaluations on the job. My dad told me that he was proud of me before he died. At the time I hadn’t graduated, and he told me that he was proud of me just for getting to where I was. My mom believes the future holds great things for me. My brothers have expressed admiration for how I have managed things up to this point. My boyfriend has told me more than once, “I wish you could just see yourself the way I see you.”

Maybe if I just took the time to internalize all this encouragement, I would be in a much better place with my self-esteem than I’m at right now. The self-critical voice in my head is just so loud. I wish that I had a better way to quiet it. I try my best, but it is an ongoing battle. The voice says that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not clever enough, too old, too sick, and too weak. Somehow, I just can’t silence it, at least not completely. I really am at my wit’s end on how to deal with this.

I really should just wear a sign that reads, “do not refrigerate”, because I could not possibly be more incapable of staying cool. Of course, I maintain my outward composure quite well. I was able to flip the switch from being a psychotic self-rambler into a perfectly component employee in a matter of mere minutes. Most of the time it’s easier to be at work, because my mind is focused on the task at hand. It is familiar territory. Sometimes, though, even though I’ve been at the library for three years, I’m still afraid that I am going to mess up. I am still learning new things and being presented with new challenges. Largely, I am rising to the occasion. I can’t think of any time when I absolutely just “blew it”. Maybe being cautious and staying alert has been what has kept me on my feet.

I have a history of competency now, whether I believe that I am competent or not. It is so established that most people don’t even know that I’m mentally ill, or don’t believe me when I tell them. I don’t try particularly hard to hide that past; I am generally honest about it. During my interview for the library job, when asked about why there was a gap in my employment history, I paused only momentarily before I said, “Well, actually, I was struggling a lot with my mental health around that time.” They told me, “Thank you for your honesty” and they clearly meant it, because I got the job. I wonder what would have happened if I had just tried to fudge or given some excuse. There was only one position open at the time and they chose me over all the other candidates. They chose mentally ill me, and somehow, they’ve kept me all this time.

The thing about mental illness is that even when you know you’re thinking or behaving a certain way because of the illness, it doesn’t always make the behavior go away. Wellness isn’t a switch that we can just turn on at will. If we could do that, we wouldn’t need therapy, medication, and coping skills. We wouldn’t have to be hospitalized because we were a danger to ourselves or others. I have made a lot of progress, but I am far from being “recovered.” I will probably have to take anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers for the rest of my life, and medicine alone is not enough to fully treat the problem.

When Nicki Minaj says “I’ve got zero chill in me” it’s a great thing, but for me it doesn’t work quite so well. For now, I will continue my journey of becoming a better person, learning about myself and the world around me, and trying to become more independent and self-sufficient. It hasn’t been easy so far, and it won’t be easy going forward, but “the only way out is through”. I’ve been telling myself this a lot lately: “You can use all the positive self-talk in the world, but in the end, you have to just walk through those doors. No one else can walk through for you.” When it comes down to it, you just have to do the thing. You must take the steps towards success, even if you’re the most unchill person out there (like me). I may not feel like a success, but I have succeeded at important things in my life. You can, too, even with a mental illness.  

[wmhalliwell]

Fic idea! (Thunderblink/No powers) John and Clarice meet in a asylum. Clarice is a patient accused of going insane and murdering her foster family. John has been assigned as her therapist. He thinks she's innocent. That's all I got! ☺

The orderlies always looked like they were ready for a fight when they took her from her room. She had never (rarely) been violent in all of her years at Avalon’s, but the reason she was here proceeded any current actions.

(Mostly) everyone went to group, and everyone had their own therapist if they were able to potentially recover. Recover as if they would ever let her out into the world, thinking she had done what she’d done. So instead, she enjoyed her sessions to the fullest and waited impatiently for something to shift and change in her life.

She called her therapist John, after nagging him enough about his first name. She flirted mercilessly with him, and most of the time he dodged and blocked like a football player. She couldn’t help it. He was the only person in this god damn place that actually listened when she spoke.

“And how are you doing today, Clarice?” John asked, walking into the bare room. The door clicked pleasantly shut behind him.

“Oh, y’know, peachy. Getting myself ready for the beach this weekend and maybe a stroll through a carnival.” She crossed her legs encased in thin sweatpants. “The usual.”

He sat opposite her and looked just as good as he always did. She could do without the startling white coat but it was growing on her. He had his hair pulled back—he always did, something about security in case she got handsy—and a folder in hand. He always had it, but rarely used it. When they first started talking, he’d written down a lot of what she’d said, but he didn’t do that so much anymore.

“It says here that you got into an argument with another resident a few days ago…”

Clarice rolled her eyes and clucked her tongue. “Just some newbie who decided to slice open old wounds. Metaphorically. He didn’t have a knife,” she said with a sigh. “But he kept poking at me with his, y’know, words and there’s only so much a girl can take.”

John sat back in the seat comfortably, propping an ankle on opposing knee and letting the folder lay closed in his lap. “The resident knew of your history?”

“Yes,” she hissed. “It was a big deal. I’m surprised more people in here don’t know. I mean, maybe they do but they’re mostly all catatonic.”

He was used to her flippant way of talking about the others in the hospital and let it slide. “And you yelled at this man? The one who was bothering you.”

“Yes. I shoved him over a couch but he was asking for it.” Clarice crossed her arms tightly across her chest and slumped down in the seat. She tilted her head back and stared at the ceiling. “What I wouldn’t give to just get out of this place for a fucking day.”

John cleared his throat. “You know, there is always a chance for privileges to be added to your time here.”

“Can less time be a privilege?” Clarice snapped her head forward so she could see him.

“Maybe,” he said. It was the first time he’d acknowledged the possibility.

She felt a spark of excitement. At least, as much as she could around the meds they forced her to take. Stability drugs, they said, even though she’d had only two incidents in her two years here. One of those being in just the past week.

John saw the hope in her eyes and backpedaled. “Every psychologist has the ability to bring new information to the table, even for a closed case like yours.”

“What about patient-doctor privacy?”

“There are some things that supersede that.”

“Like me saying I didn’t do it.” She’d said she was innocent for so long, the words always felt old and raw whenever they left her lungs. No one had believed her years ago, even though the only evidence they had was circumstantial. The jury had been a bunch of fools, but at least she ended up at a cosy asylum rather than in general pop.

John nodded. “Yes, like that. You gave me details that I don’t remember being in your case.”

“Cops are corrupt,” Clarice waved a hand impatiently.

He frowned. “It has to be more than that.”

“Oh.” She tapped her finger against her chin. “It was probably the cops finding me covered in blood in a house that was completely locked up from the inside. That usually does it.”

John shifted in his chair. She was reaching dangerous levels of agitation.

“They thought I was psychotic, why would they pay attention to anything I said? My lawyer didn’t even believe me.” She shrugged. “But hey, here I am and here you are, so who really won in this situation?”

John shook his head. “You didn’t, Clarice.”

“You look like a prize to me.” Her argument was thin.

“You lost your foster parents, siblings…that doesn’t make you a winner.”

She scowled. “Of course not.” A sheen glossed over her eyes but she blinked until it was gone. “But no one believes me. Except for you.”

He did believe her. It was an amazing feat, actually. She thought he was just humoring her, trying to get her to open up, but no, here he was, six months in and still believing her.

“If I were to call for a judge to reopen your case, all of our sessions would be open to the defense viewing.” John glanced up in the corner where a video recorded every second of time within the room.

Clarice nodded. “Yeah. My life kind of got ripped open already because of the news. I’m used to having zero privacy.”

John sat forward, his shoulders and torso blocking the camera just so. He lightly touched her knee—a big ol’ no-no in this place. Touching patients was for orderlies and physicals only. “I believe you’re innocent. I don’t think you belong in here.”

She stared at his hand until he moved it away and stood up, signaling the end of the session. “You’re…you’re really opening up the case?”

“If you’re okay with that.”

She stayed seated, knowing she wasn’t allowed out of the room until he was gone. But she did lean back in her chair to look up at him. “I am,” she said, her voice small.

He gave her a small, encouraging smile before he walked to the door and knocked so they would let him out. Clarice sat in the chair, words buzzing around her head, her knee warm where his fingers had pressed for mere seconds.

[celestialmarkiplier]

Just a Nightmare (Jack/Anti)

A/N: THIS IS GONNA BE A BAD ATTEMPT AT SPOOKY, IM SORRY SDFYGUHNJ

Requested? Yes! Anon requested: Hello there! Can I request a really dark story with Anti and Jack? Angst, gore, (psycho-)horror, dread and graphic, bloody descriptions? (Sorry, I'm a sadistic sucker for horror stuff and psycho games hehe)Maybe it starts out with a repeating nightmare which gets bloodier and more detailed every time. Then, specific things from the dream happen irl (like a sound he recognizes), which is foreshadowing to Anti who kidnaps him one night and takes sadistic pleasure in torture? (I just realized I sound pretty weird and crazy myself... I swear I’m normal lol). BUT ALSO don’t let me tell you what to write if you already have a better idea in mind!

Pairing: not an actual pairing, Anti and Jack are the stars of this one. (not romantic) ALSO, BONNIE. IS. HIS. FRIEND. THEY ARE IN NO WAY A ROMANTIC COUPLE, BONNIE DOES NOT LIKE JACK IN *THAT* WAY, HONESTLY I IMAGINE HER AS BEING ASEXUAL T B H

Warnings: angst, gore, blood, psychotic tendencies, graphic violence, cursing, things of that nature. readers, im warning you now. (it probably wont be that spooky actually bc im not spooky so im sorry anon who requested this i tried)

“When will you ever learn, Jack…” A voice taunts from behind the chair Jack had been strapped to for God knows how long. He was blindfolded, gagged, and had a rope tied around his arms, legs, and around his neck then looped through the back of the chair like a leash so that his head would stay up. The man- no, the thing- had faux sympathy laced through its words that Jack could see right through. Anyone could hear the sick undertones held in the voice; the bitch was enjoying every second of this.

“You can’t run, you can’t hide. You’re my little pet until I say otherwise!” Jack jumped at the barbaric and angry shout the last words came out as. “And the best part is, you won’t even tell anyone about it. You know what will happen if you do.”  There was a long sigh from in front of Jack before the blindfold was forcefully ripped away from his face, making Jack wince at the sudden amount of light flooding in his senses. It might have been dim in the room, but it was still enough light to leave him blinking rapidly to try and focus.

Once his eyes finally focused he gasped involuntarily. The thing in front of him wasn’t actually a thing at all- it was Jack himself.

Jack woke up with a jolt, sitting straight up in his bed and looking around. Cold sweat dripped down from his forehead to his jaw and finally dropped down onto the hollow area above his collarbone. He sighed, that was the third time he had woken up tonight alone.

Jack had these nightmares regularly. They were always the same, he gets kidnapped, thrown into a dim room, restrained, and always ends up finding out the villain is a twisted version of himself. The villain, who he chooses to call AntiJack (anti for short), looks exactly like him; well, other than the huge gash across his throat and the glitches that radiate from his body. Jack never gets a break from this entity in his dreams, it's a constant nightmare he has once, twice, maybe even three times a night. He’s tried everything, even going to a therapist, but the nightmares won't stop. It was something Jack was convinced was just in his head. That is, until one day when his best friend Bonnie came over.

“Jack?” Bonnie had questioned from her place standing by the door to Jack’s bedroom. They had been playing video games all day and Bonnie had left to get more snacks. Jack grunted in response, being far too lazy to actually put in the effort to say anything more.

“Why was this in your kitchen? Are you really that kinky?” She half jokes, Jack furrowed his eyebrows and looked up, eyes widening when he saw what she held in her hand. It was a gag. Not just any gag, though. It was the ball gag Anti had used in the nightmare Jack had been having; the same ball gag the demonic man had used to restrain Jack and leave him helpless against his torture.

“W-Where did you find that?” Jack stuttered out, face probably much paler than usual.

Bonnie just smirked, oblivious. “It was literally laying on the kitchen table, how could you not remember to put these things back up? You knew I was coming over, I don’t need to know about your sex life, Mr. Grey.” She chuckles and lays the gag on his dresser, hopping on the bed and only noticing how pale her best friend was once she had sat down. It was her turn to furrow her brow, “Are you okay, greenbean?”

Jack couldn’t speak for a couple seconds, just stared at the ball gag wordlessly. He almost told his friend about the gag not being his, however he couldn't bring himself to do it. Sure, she knew about his nightmares, she had been the one to sleep with him when he refused to be alone the first couple nights he had them, but something told him it would be a bad idea to speak about this. He didn’t want to worry his best friend anymore than she already was. Besides, the demonic thing had warned him that he would regret it if he told anyone. So he can’t.

“Uh, you know, just embarrassed at the fact that my best friend found out about one of my kinks.” Jack forces himself to chuckle and Bonnie seems to believe him, carrying on the conversation by saying something about changing his name in her phone to Christian Grey before they fell silent, Bonnie being emerged into the world of videogames and Jack being emerged into the world of his thoughts.

Bonnie had decided to stay the night. Usually Jack would be fine with this, however the ball gag that was sitting in the bottom drawer of his bedside table (he couldn't get rid of it without Bonnie asking questions) was still taunting him. Jack was only brought out of his thoughts about the gag when Bonnie crawled into bed beside him.

She smiled slightly cuddling into her pillow and brushing her hair out of her face before she asked, “You doing okay? Need me to cuddle with you tonight?”

Jack couldn’t help but smile, despite his mood. Bonnie had been his best friend since fifth grade. She had always been understanding of everything he told her, and in return he had done the same. He was glad she understood his situation. She never asked him to talk about it, only let him cuddle her (or vice versa) if he needed it and assured him everything was going to be okay. The next morning, she would always ask him once if he wanted to talk, and if he said no she would leave it at that. They would carry on with their day as normal afterwards.

So, with Jack’s arm wrapped tightly around his friend’s waist, he fell into unconsciousness and hoped his dreams would be better tonight.

It’s morning. Jack feels like he hasn’t slept a wink as his eyes flutter open. Bonnie is no longer beside him and he grows worried as his eyes flutter open, realizing he is on a hard floor instead of in his own bed. He groans, sitting up and looking around the area. Turns out it's not morning, the lights in the room are just incredibly bright. Where did Bonnie go? Where is he?

Suddenly there’s a static noise surrounding him. It starts by coming from the right side of the room- no, the left- no! He can’t even tell where it came from now, all he knows is that it's feeling his senses and he has no choice but to put his hands over his ears and get back down on the floor, the noise is too much for him to handle and-

And suddenly, it stops. Leaving him with a distinct ringing in his ears. He sits up again, furrowing his eyebrows and trying to make sense of this. Then suddenly, things click into place and his eye widen. This is another dream.

Almost as soon as he realizes this there is a glitchy laugh from the corner of the room, a figure coming up behind him and kicking him between his shoulder blades, holding him down and applying pressure on his back.

“Poor, poor boy.” The familiar voice starts, pushing down hard enough to make Jack wince. “You thought you were safe,”

“Wh-what do you want?” Jack whimpers, “Why are you doing this?”

The entity laughs again, the sound scratching at Jack’s ear drums and making him wince harder.

“Isn’t it obvious? You see, Jack, it’s simple. You made my life hell, so I’m returning the favor.”

With that, Jack feels a scorching pain down his spine, making him scream in agony. The pain continues, going from the start of his spine all the way to his tailbone and he’s pretty sure he's bleeding if the wet feeling on his back is any indication. Eventually he can’t take the pain anymore, and blacks out…

“...Jack?”

“..Jack! Wake up!”

“JACK!”

Jack is woken up by a sharp push on his chest. He groans in response and grips the hand tightly, opening his eyes and starting blearily at the woman in front of him. Bonnie.

“What happened? You were groaning in your sleep, are you okay?” She looks so worried, Jack feels bad for ruining her sleep. “God, you’re burning up. Here, let’s get you into some clean clothes because these are drenched.” She was right, his current clothes are absolutely soaked with sweat. He nods, trying to stand. He gets a total of two steps away from the bed before he yelps, a stinging pain going up his spine. Bonnie rushes over with clean clothes, helping him into the bathroom. She wipes his arms and face off with a clean washcloth before he tells her he’s okay and she leaves the room to let him get dressed. He dresses in the t shirt and shorts, staring in the mirror for a little while before raising his shirt up and turning around, letting himelf look at his back.

He immediately regrets his decision to look at his back. There’s a new scar, red and very prominent, running down his spine. His whole back is covered in bruises and he’s now a shaking mess. How did this happen? This isn't even possible, he’s going crazy. He has to be. This is not normal. Suddenly, the door is opened and in comes Bonnie, stopping as soon as she sees his back and holding a hand to her mouth.

“Oh my God. Jack, what the hell happened?! How did you not tell me about this?” His friend looked like she wanted to help, but didnt know how. He stared at the mark a second longer before he bursted into tears, right there in front of his best friend. Against his better judgment, he told her everything. He told her about Anti, about what happens in his nightmares, about the torture, everything. His face is buried in her neck whenever he feels her start to shake, the shaking gets more chaotic and finally, he has to look up. She’s laughing.

“Jack, Jack, Jack,” Her voice shifts from her normal, soft tone to one with more roughness. “I told you not to tell anyone…” Suddenly, the environment around him shifts and glitches, and he’s in the dark basement agan, with Bonnie standing in front of him. Only, it's not Bonnie. It's a demonic form of his best friend that has jet black eyes and a cut across her throat. He gulps, sweating bullets and ignoring the dull pain in his back.

“Anti,” he whispers, getting a smirk from ‘Bonnie’ before she glitches away and is replaced with a very twisted demon entity holding a sharp knife.

The demon comes in closer, crouching down in front of Jack and pulling the gag from his pocket. He ties it around Jack’s mouth and tsks before standing back up, trailing his knife down his arm.

“You should have just listened to me.”

(A/N: I TRIED SO HARD O M G IM SORRY RIP AHAH)(also i put x reader in the tags bc its my usual tags, so yes its not an x reader thing but oh well)