#like she would vibe check him so hard constantly and he would literally NEVER PASS

[glowinghae]

I have so many thoughts on how Esther would interact with Damian. The fic I’m writing will not get to that point in time but I kinda want to write some blurbs about it because those two in the same room would be… *chefs kiss* every time I think about them existing together I just laugh so hard.

[stillfrownyclownlol]

Fucking...ship alphabet crap because I'm gonna go insane- (Ashlyn x Aiden)

Aiden Clark

A = Affection

Aiden is really affectionate with Ash, he has a hard time keeping in how he feels about her so he's constantly complimenting her, touching her, kissing her if she will let him, etc etc. He's just soooo in love with her he can't keep it in- 🫠

B = Best Friend

Ngl Aiden was like the closest thing Ash had to a best friend before they started dating 🤡 he's not that different besides the fact that he can keep his emotions a little more in check (like friend boundaries). Very protective, encouraging, and does his best to listen ^_^

C = Cuddles

Bless him he is touch starved and cuddling is like a feast to him. He LOVES cuddling. Definitely clingy and likes rubbing her arms or back. Man ascends whenever Ash glomps him.

D = Domestic

Aiden likes the idea of settling down, he would like to live with Ash at some point, especially cuz he grew up in an empty house. It's kinda unfortunate since he sucks really hard at domestic tasks 💀 he's never had to cook or clean a day in his life and he's not very inclined to learn lmao. He's super messy and pretty much banned from the kitchen 😭

E = Ending

Um he would literally rather die 🫠 he will fight tooth and nail to be with her and if he HAD to break up with her it would be like, under pressure that somebody was going to kill her or smth 😭 and then he'd kill the person who threatened her and go get his girl back.

F = Fiancé

He doesn't really care about getting married as long as Ash stays with him :P He likes how his ring looks on her finger tho.

G = Gentle

He's not very good at that haha. He's very...um, intense with all his feelings oop- He's not very good at being soft (verbally/emotionally) in the moment, it's something he needs to give thought too. He can be pretty tender physically tho, likes to kiss her forehead :)

H = Hugs

Loves loves loves hugging, especially if Ash initiated. Totally into squeeze hugging and lifting her off her feet. He kinda hovers around her in public and puts his arm around her so he's constantly "loose hugging" her.

I = I love you

He said it pretty quickly. He doesn't see why he should hide how he feels :p. He probably said it when she was just doing smth, like with no buildup or anything. It was just a very sudden feeling on his part and he vocalised it right away

J = Jealousy

Pretty consistently 🤡 he has attachment issues can you blame him? 😭 (you can). Very not cool with other people (that he doesn't know) talking, touching, hanging out with Ash and he will be hate-watching them the entire time. With Ash he gets a lot clingier and starts complimenting her even more, but if Ash gets weirded out/annoyed by it he tends to react pretty poorly and can get upset with her.

K = Kisses

His kisses vary, but they can be kinda aggressive/intense? lmao. He is just having BIG FEELINGS and he needs to express himself- if hes stressed he'll just. Grab her face and mash their mouths together (jumpscares Ash fr) He really does not care where he kisses Ash like everything is good for him, but when Ash kisses him first on the mouth that's soooo... he goes to heaven fr.

L = Little Ones

Pretty good with children actually! He has some experience with Lily and he vibes pretty well with kid energy, especially if they're hyperactive like him lol. Great with games and stuff. Babies like him a lot for some reason, they always start laughing when he holds them.

M = Morning

He gets up at like 4am all the time to do crap because he's an insomniac. Usually goes to exercise or play a video game/puzzle. Ash is not a morning person, but sometimes she can convince him to crawl back into bed and snuggle 😌

N = Night

He does go to bed really late 💀 He has an EXTREMELY hard time falling asleep so he just stays up till he passes out. Ash and him have been trying stuff to help him sleep better so they drink tea and talk to each other without looking at their phones.

O = Open

Absolutely not open with his history lol. he pretty much blocks out most of his past and he won't talk about it unless Ash insists or he feels like he needs to tell her to clarify his feelings. Doesnt say more than he needs to.

P = Patience

He has none for everything 🤡 he hates waiting, he hates putting in a lot of effort into something, he hates spending a long time on anything- (except his friends). He kinda has some hidden anger issues, he looks really easy going but like fr. He has problems.

Q = Quizzes

UM it's kinda creepy how much he remembers about Ash 😭 He has an entire space in his brain dedicated to her. He knows how she likes her coffee, her daily schedule, the exact time of her birth...he likes knowing about her sue him.

R = Remember

It's hard to pick his favourite memory cuz he's such a fan of her, even during the time she kinda hated him :> One of his top moments would probably be when she first said "I love you" back to him though.

S = Security

He's soooooo overprotective, the first time he saw her get seriously injured it was his fault and he never let that go. He knows Ash can handle herself but he still wants to keep her safe if he can!!! If somebody hurts her they are never seeing the light of day again ^_^ He always swoons a little when Ash tries to protect him too.

T = Try

His relationships are like one of the only things he actually puts effort in so. He spends a lot of time thinking on gifts, what they can do on dates, etc etc if it involves Ash. Helps her around the house if she lets him.

U = Ugly

He has sooooo many bad habits. He's super addict prone and his BPD means he will do a lot of self-sestructive stuff. Smoker (he hates it), drinker (he hates it even more), joyrider extraordinaire (just kill him now) :/ Working on it at his therapy sessions but he relapses sometimes.

V = Vanity

...I mean, he's concerned about how he looks, but not in a "looking good" way. He dyes his hair consistently because he wants to look like that, same with his contacts. Otherwise he's not like doing beauty routines for his skin or anything lol.

W = Whole

Yes he has an unhealthy attachment to Ash so he would feel incomplete without her 🫠

X = Xtra

Ash isn't his first 'relationship' but she is the first one where he actually felt something. He was pretty easy going so if somebody asked him to be their partner he almost always said yes, but he never seriously cared about any of them...🫠 Ghosted people a lot when he moved oop

Y = Yuck

He knows he has a lot of issues so like he's not gonna judge somebody a lot if they have their own vices. He would probably dislike if Ash started acting like himself lmao (you hate somebody because they reflect the worst parts of yourself) 🫠 For smth she actually does, he doesn't really like how cold she can be sometimes, but he knows she can't help it so he doesn't comment on it.

Z = ZZZ

Sleeps with like 4 different blankets and he doesn't really like wearing pyjamas, he'd sleep in his boxers if he could. The blankets are like, good texture stim on his skin :D

Ashlyn Banner

A = Affection

Not good with it let's be real. Still figuring out her boundaries and what she's comfortable with. She generally just let's Aiden set the pace and if she doesn't like it she'll say something, but it's rare for her to initiate, when she does its usually something lowkey like holding his hand (prefers physical over verbal).

B = Best Friend

Ash hasn't had friends. Ever. Until suddenly she got five that she got bonded to for life 🤡 As a bestie she is generally very loyal and protective, even if she isn't very good with emotional stuff, she tries to show her support in whatever way she can.

C = Cuddles

Not really something she thinks about a lot? She doesn't mind cuddling with Aiden but he is very touchy so she gets overstimulated quickly. She prefers just lying on top of him without him grabbing her.

D = Domestic

She always imagined living by herself so the idea is a little intimidating ngl, but she's ready to give it a shot when the time comes :> Good at household chores, her parents are ex-military so she's well disciplined with making the bed, cleaning her area of the house, and she's a decent cook. Trying to teach Aiden how to do his own chores to since nobody ever taught him.

E = Ending

She would end things if she felt like Aiden wasn't getting better, she can't keep letting his bad behavior slide her entire life. Could see them getting a divorce if they had a kid together and he was still acting like that (we hope not). Definitely the type of exes to still see each other though, he's nothing if not persistent, and she can't quite seem to quit him ^_^"

F = Fiancée

She didn't even think she'd ever get married lol. She doesn't really care about labeling their relationship like that but she did ask him for tax reasons. And he was happy too, so that's a plus :>

G = Gentle

She's said it herself, she's not good at that. She's generally pretty brash with Aiden and she has a hard time being vulnerable. She's also not a very physically gentle person either, she usually initiates contact if she's stressed/upset so it's kinda intense. She's working on it!

H = Hugs

Pretty rare, she doesn't mind if Aiden hugs her, but Jesus, sometimes it feels like he's going to break her ribs 💀 Not that her hugs are much better tho 🫠 Tends to bury her face in his shoulder and grab his hair.

I = I love you

It's soooooo hard for her omg. She can't explain why she just feels really weird/dumb saying it 😭 she usually only says it during the heat of the moment. To compromise with Aiden, she usually writes it down on a sticky note and gives it to him. Writing is easier.

J = Jealousy

Sometimes the autism rejection sensitivity flares up haha 🫠 she's waaaaaay less jealous than Aiden but sometimes she wonders if she's just a passing fancy to him because he's so intense and quick about it (before reminding herself hes loyal to a fault). If other people talk about it (like if Aiden has been spending a lot of time with somebody) she's more likely to get jealous since she will kinda internalize their thoughts (like very "what...? Do you think I *should* be jealous?")

K = Kisses

Supremely awkward. Doesn't understand what she's supposed to do with her mouth aldhlwhd. She likes kissing his cheek because its a very simple gesture and he gets very happy. Will combust if Aiden kisses her forehead ❤️

L = Little Ones

Not the besttttt...she generally finds children to be too emotional and she doesn't understand what they're feeling. Babies are scary to her, they're so...delicate...

She doesn't hate them or anything but she's not volunteering to babysit.

M = Morning

She is CRANKY when she gets up and you can't talk to her before her cup of coffee or she's going to bite your head off. When she gets to sleep in she's waaaaay more affectionate in bed, grabs onto Aiden so he won't leave :p

N = Night

Night owl, which is useful since Aiden has trouble sleeping. She'll keep him company until he can fall asleep, but usually she falls asleep on his shoulder or smth and Aiden has to take her to bed ^_^

O = Open

Not at all. Doesn't like revealing more about herself than necessary :> She only tells Aiden things if he asks her about it. They're both very closed off which is great combo 💀

P = Patience

She's more patient than Aiden, but that isn't saying much. She gets irritated very easily but she's a lot better at managing her emotions so she doesn't lose her temper very easily, even if she's constantly annoyed.

Q = Quizzes

She's not forgetful or anything about Aiden but it's also not something she thinks about a lot. Like if somebody asked her smth about him she'll just answer it without thinking and be surprised with herself lol.

R = Remember

She just likes spending time with him, they don't have to do anything grand or amazing for it to stay in her memory, her favourite moments are the little things. Aiden genuinely laughing/smiling, the look on his face right before he figures out a puzzle, the calluses on his fingertips when she holds his hand...she's actually very sappy :>

S = Security

She is overprotective because. She watched him die. And she's just like that. But she constantly feels like she's failing him since Aiden gets hurt so frequently. Protective in a more subtle way, like if she thinks he's going to spiral she locks his meds away and won't leave him alone for anything. She gets stressed out when he tries to protect her because he can go overboard :p

T = Try

She tries so hard you guys. All of this is VERY new and scary for her, so. Baby steps. Tries to do her part in the relationship; she likes the act of planning dates even if choosing what to do stresses her out, tries to surprise him because she knows he loves that a lot (she's not very good at it).

U = Ugly

Bad habits: Sometimes everything is a lot so she will just. Not communicate with him for a long time which freaks him out. (Like he doesn't do this too 🫠) Hard time talking about her feelings and sometimes relies on the gang to solve their misunderstanding. Sometimes doesn't know where to draw the line and can be too harsh on him.

V = Vanity

Only her hair. She's very careful with it. Otherwise she doesn't care at all.

W = Whole

She's kinda bonded to him for life cuz of all the trauma so yeah she wouldn't feel "whole" without Aiden, but she would handle it a lot better than he would.

X = Xtra

Talks to Taylor about her relationship problems; Tay thinks she just has bad taste 🤡

Y = Yuck

Really hates all of Aiden's bad habits (the self destructive stuff, his own apathy towards himself, how obsessive he is with her)

Z = ZZZ

When she becomes comfortable sleeping with somebody on the same bed, she'll let her hair loose, otherwise she's gonna keep the braids.

[greensaplinggrace]

What Is There To Celebrate About the Darkling? (Part 4)

1 2 3 4

He’s calculating but impulsive. Gentle yet firm. Stubborn and adaptive. Just a real mess of contradictions that makes him all the more interesting.

He loves nature. He loves the forest.

Fond of luxuries and nice things. After growing up as he did, I think he deserves them.

Very socially awkward. Introvert just trying his best. Anything that isn’t manipulation and therefore something he’s planned in his head is just a social train wreck waiting to happen.

The way he pushes up Alina’s sleeve when they first meet. This man had zero compunctions about acting completely unprofessionally in front of his soldiers and I think that’s very sexy of him.

He’s constantly tired and exasperated with the people around him.

The way he says “quiet” with the softest voice imaginable and a room full of laughter instantly goes silent.

He had no interest in Elizaveta even though she was utterly obsessed with him and I think that’s hilarious.

Elizaveta: I have a plan to resurrect the Darkling Everybody Else: Oh the Darkling is so evil for trying to come back! The Darkling, who just wants a nap and is sick of this mortal bullshit: Why am I even here? This is such a pain in the ass. I should have killed Elizaveta when I had the chance.

How he asks if Alina “will have” his name like a man proposing.

Has his bedroom attached to the war room.

Constantly checking up on Alina just to know how she’s doing. Never pushing her beyond her limits as she’s training.

Very creative with his shadows and the extent of their abilities. So many of the ways he uses his powers are genius.

His ending in RoW is a tragedy and an injustice. He deserves better.

This old man pouting at Alina in episode seven as he says “please, I just want to talk to you 🥺”

There is a black kefta made for Alina after like two days in the Little Palace. He really was already planning their entire immortal futures together as Mr. and Mrs. Starkov wasn’t he?

His bed is covered in maps and notes when he’s plotting how to find Alina. Also before that, the way he’s poring over the notes at his desk and giving orders is 👌🥵

Him acting like a real General at all is simply amazing.

The fact that he trusts Luda with his life. That they have a whole intimidation routine set up around him purposefully getting himself fatally injured knowing she’ll heal him.

He looks like a vampire in the show and a fae in the books.

His favorite ABBA song is probably “Lay All Your Love On Me.”

Looks composed but that’s only a façade. Is actually an unhinged feral terror of pain and misery.

That scene where he tells the king she will remain in the Little Palace to train undisturbed and he puts his foot down. ON THE RED CARPET. the king’s carpet. and uses a commanding voice that’s just on the edge of an order…I’m surprised he didn’t get flogged for that. IMO nothing conveys the fine line he walks with those in power while wielding his own like this scene. Literally he should just be celebrated for this alone.

“‘Why won’t you leave me alone?’ I whispered one night as he hovered behind me while I tried to work at my desk. Long minutes passed. I didn’t think he would answer. I even had time to hope he might have gone, until I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Then I’d be alone, too,” he said, and he stayed the whole night through, till the lamps burned down to nothing.

Trapped a bunch of Saints in the Shadow Fold like a true amoral disaster villain. What an icon.

His barely concealed amusement and half hidden smile when Alina comes to put his kefta on. The way he finds Alina utterly hilarious and tries so hard to act like he doesn’t.

That small amused smile when Alina jokes about finding Volcra hilarious. Please he’s so adorable 😭

“‘I know what you feel when you’re with the tracker,’ he said. ‘I doubt that’ He gave a dismissive wave.” - My Malarklina obsessed self, vibrating at the edge of my seat: but what does it mean?!?

Mal and the Darkling’s entire fight in the Fold: dumbass on dumbass violence.

The way he stands with his back turned to Alina when she enters his tent the first time they meet and then does the slowest Godfather turn in history. 1999/10 - points removed for a criminal lack of cat petting.

“I may lead the second army, but the king is still the king.” - the delivery of that line. the implications, the history behind it and also the foreshadowing for his plans.

That slow turn face reveal in episode one though. Like okay we get it you’re pretty alkjsdflkj

Confused Old Man Face™ whenever Mal or Alina do anything remotely defiant in his presence.

How he tells Alina to come closer and she only takes the tiniest step and he doesn’t even react.

His little head cock whenever someone says or does something that just doesn’t vibe with him.

Darklina tumblr has now convinced me that the Darkling is a cat in human form.

“You’re an amplifier,” she said. He glanced at where Sylvi was pouncing on another helpless tree, oblivious, and gave a single, frightened nod. How could he have been so stupid? He would have to tell his mother now, and she would insist that they leave right away. If word got out, they’d both be in danger. Amplifiers were rare, hard to find, harder to hunt. Their lives would be forfeit. Even if they got away, word would spread. He could already hear his mother’s voice: Foolish, careless, callous. If you don’t value your own life, show some concern for mine. Annika touched his sleeve. “It’s okay,” she said. “I won’t tell.” Panic crowded in. He shook his head. She slid her hand into his. It was hard not to pull away. He should. He was breaking his mother’s fundamental rule for keeping them both alive. Never let them touch you, she’d warned him. - 😥 I just want to give him a hug all the time.

His strangled shout when Mal tackles him off of the skiff.

His smile when he’s summoning the sun. The expression on his face when he does so. Like I know I’ve mentioned this before but damn. If you ever needed a reason to celebrate him, this would be it.

“Shame, I’ll have to give that speech again now.”

The way he flips Mal over his shoulder in the Fold after Mal attempts to strangle him.

His little lecture on the Small Science to Alina when they’re going to meet the King. Info dump.

“You make it sound so easy.” “A bird makes flight look easy. But it was born to do so.”

When Alina looks at him for guidance on whether or not to remove her veil and he gives her a small nod.

The handhold in the throne room after Alina’s demonstration is absolutely precious, but it’s in a room full of people he should be keeping up a façade for and it’s so unwarranted and yet he does it anyway, I’m-

The way he says “welcome home, Ms. Starkov,” in the most tender voice I’ve ever heard and then goes “ok that’s enough emotions for one day” and then just straight up leaves without even a goodbye.

He has his symbol?? Sewn into Alina’s kefta??? bRo???!?!

Disaster Simp never gets tired of introducing Alina to other people or talking about how she’s the best thing that ever walked this earth.

The Darkling lying: honestly

“I have devoted my life to undoing the great sin of my forebearer, but I am never seen as the solution. Only as a reminder of the problem.” Sasha you were literally the problem. What a manipulative little shit. We love to see it.

The way he closes his eyes and kisses the coin before he makes a wish at the wishing well.

“I think the Grand Palace is the ugliest building I’ve ever seen.” - I love him your honor.

This man has the most intense lines for Alina. Like straight up I would have booked it when he said “you and I are going to change the world”. But then the head grab?! “I’ve been waiting a long time for you.” He’s so intense like sir can you tone it down a bit please I am begging you.

“I shall be right by your side.” / “We can do anything. Together.” / “For us.” / “You cannot do this on your own. And neither can I” / “I want you to know my name. The name I was given, not the title I took for myself. Will you have it, Alina?” - WEDDING VOWS

That scene in the war room when Alina comes to find him and he instantly drops his guard and lowers his arms and welcomes her with a soft voice.

“Am I bothering you?” “Not at all.” - girl you could be stabbing him in the chest and you still wouldn’t be bothering him.

This whipped disaster sounds like the proudest man on the planet when he talks about how much more his enemies fear Alina over him.

His shadows react to his emotions.

“YoUr’E nOt IvAn.” asjlkdfjs god he’s so embarrassing.

Local Dark Lord Sasha offering Alina the throne after she literally tries to kill him.

He gets so jealous of Mal.

Has a great relationship with his soldiers and his men. His men trust him implicitly and believe him to be an amazing general.

When he turns around after Alina puts the kefta on him and looks flustered/has to take a breath because she’s a lot closer than he expected. The way he’s breathless and literally can’t string a sentence together because he’s so distracted by her closeness.

His jokes are absolutely terrible.

GF: *jokes about throwing herself down the stairs to get out of an event* Sasha “no thoughts head empty only Alina” Morozova: haha I’d just have my healers heal you right back up again.

How genuinely touched he is by Alina admitting to wanting to help Grisha and Ravkans.

That scene in Demon in the Woods when he notices the intricate details of the politics in the Grisha camp after one meeting with the Elders. He has the Ulle pegged almost instantly.

Born to be a leader. Born to take care of others. Born to protect. Even in Demon in the Woods he’s protecting people. Even in Demon in the Woods he’s leading them and caring for them.

The way he cups his hands around Alina’s face when they’re kissing.

This man gets so starstruck by Alina walking into the Fete that he doesn’t even excuse himself from the King’s side to go to her.

Long haired Aleksander rights!

Ok I know the wig was kind of ugly but he looks pretty with long hair and I think it would look very good on him naturally.

The way he slams his hands together in the Winter Fete scene and instantly turns the room pitch black.

Literally any times he summons shadows is a blessing and we should all celebrate him for it. They are so beautiful. On god if I ever saw his shadows in real life I would be awestruck.

He asks Mal if he’s okay when they first meet.

The pure, barely contained fury directed at the Conductor for daring to harm Alina and kidnap his Grisha.

He always has to make a grand entrance.

This man is like a bloodhound when it comes to Nina. He is very invested in finding her and I feel like that’s never really talked about.

“I know exactly how she felt. The King’s soldiers treated me the same way. Because they knew- they knew that I was more important than any of them.” - the way he says it, like it’s something he has to remind himself of in his head constantly. a justification for the way he’s been treated, the fear he evokes in others. a way to protect himself from the hurt of being ostracized and reviled. arrogance and conceit as a defense against emotional harm.

Also the way his face instantly changes after that, like he’s said too much. vulnerability. lowering his eyes. shifting his eyes. literally just everything about this scene makes me love him all the more.

Dark carriage rides up to the Crows’ hiding place. Grisha circle the area as Aleksander steps from the carriage slowly, dressed all in black, floofy cloak high on his shoulders. Villain Entrance™

Him slowly pulling a knife out of his chest like it shouldn’t have killed him is hot as fuck and also totally badass. Big dick energy.

“I’ve had enough of your lies.” “And what lies are those?” - Alina, pulling out a fifty mile long scroll of grievances: Well, for starters-

This man is literally just an Alina Starkov compliments machine.

He cares so much about the Grisha and their protection. He loves Ravka and his people so much.

He had an entire cult dedicated to him.

“They would approach him. They always did. But he felt more anxious than usual. He’d stopped trying to make friends in the places he and his mother visited—there was no point when they moved on so quickly. Now he wasn’t quite sure how to go about it.”

Save a Villain. Murder the King.

Openly admits to staging a coup like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

He speaks so slowly. He moves so slowly. Everything he does has to have Purpose and Gravitas.

Theater Nerd™

He knew Nikolai for years and yet couldn’t recognize him as Sturmhond. We do stan an oblivious icon 💕

The Darkling after he gets his ass whooped in Siege and Storm: Mom can you please come pick me up? I’m scared!

He’s here to manipulate sun summoners and murder cities. And unfortunately he’s all out of sun summoners.

Would absolutely get drunk on real alcohol. This man thinks kvas is strong liquor.

Has his wrists exposed exactly one time in the most skin he’s shown all season and it’s when Alina visits him at night in the war room. WHORE!

Was too emotionally slutty and fell for Alina. RIP.

He’s passionate and cold and beautiful and hurt and twisted up in ways nobody could ever hope to understand and he’s stunning.

I would literally kill for this man 🖤✨

[disgruntledspacedad]

Javier Peña and commitment

a better love series  character analysis

Okay, not-so-briefly, let me finish what I started with this post, and say a few more words about Javier Peña and commitment. 

I think typical fanon describes Javi as a rogue, smoky, commitment-phobe man slut. The kind of guy who never settles down because he’s too busy having fun with his hookers. And yeah, at first glance, that’s a valid assumption. Javi definitely puts off that vibe. Hell, I think he even believes that of himself. 

I call bullshit, though. 

Javi is obviously an affection starved softie who is seeking intimacy and human contact. He just doesn’t know how to get it. Watch how deeply he connects with each of the women he sleeps with. He publicly greets the hookers in Medellín by name (like seriously what man does this??) and his relationship with Gabby seems intensely personal. He cares about what happens to her. He’s sweet, almost tender with her. 

This is a man with a huge heart and deep, unfulfilled needs.

Now, let me tease apart what I think happened that scarred Javi so profoundly.

I want to start with his family life. 

Now, a lot of this falls deep into headcanon territory, but this entire post is in context of Better Love, so that’s fine. However, I don’t think it’s too far off the mark for canon Javi, too. Just things to bear in mind.

Okay, so in The Kingpin Strategy, Chucho makes references to the fact that Javi has always been free spirited and idealistic. “You couldn’t wait to get out of here.”

Javi says, “It was right here, wasn’t it? The last time we had this conversation.” He sounds resentful, frustrated.

And Chucho replies, “You didn’t listen to me then, either.”

Man oh man, this says a lot. There’s a lot of reference to some very old bitterness, most (but not all of it) on Javi’s end. Let’s break it down.

In Better Love, Javi lost his mom to colon cancer when he was nineteen. We know from canon that he was chomping at the bits to get out of town, so I kind of think that Javi packed his bags the day that he turned eighteen and left. He’s from a small, close knit family, and him taking off into the blue without any warning would have shocked them. It would have hurt. 

The fact that he and Chuco have their conversation in the driveway is telling, too. 

I think Javi spent some significant time estranged from his family, and things were probably still rocky between them when his mom passed away. Colon cancer can be pretty subtle. Javi’s mom didn’t get a diagnosis until it was far too late for effective treatment. It would have hit her hard and fast, and she and Javi may not have had much time to reconcile. Hell, she was upset by Javi leaving - she may not have even told him what was going on.

Ouch.

Now, Javi is a guy that silently shoulders all of the responsibility that he’s not meant to carry, and he’s absolutely going to blame himself for taking off like that, and for being too stubborn to call home and check on Mom. Her death is the first in a series of wounds that lead to Javi’s (very misguided) belief that he’s a shit human, when truly, nothing could be further from the truth. 

Next, let’s talk about Lorraine. 

We know from Javi’s conversation with Steve that he thinks Lorraine was better off without him, giving us another glimpse of that deep seated self-loathing that we know he carries. Javi almost sounds wistful, like he regrets leaving her. Certainly, he regrets hurting her (more proof that Javi is actually a pretty sensitive guy - he knows he fucked up). But then we actually meet Lorraine in season three, and there’s something really weird there. 

Now, granted, Javi left her at the alter. Things are bound to be weird. But look at how he’s drawn to her, like he just can’t help crossing the room to see her again, even years later. That was the first big red flag for me. 

Then, watch how Lorraine treats him. She’s dismissive, pretty biting. And okay, yeah, she’s well within her right to be bitter. But then she says this:

“Can you imagine if we actually were married?”

Like, scoffs it. Guys, that’s a pretty serious dig. Lorraine is implying that Javi is beneath her, that he could never, ever be decent husband material. And watch his reaction. He takes this cut like he’s used to taking this cut from her. I don't know, but to me, it just reeks of a history of toxicity.

Men are absolutely capable of being the victims of toxic relationships and emotional abuse. I mean, duh. But try telling that to Javier Peña, with his tendency to internalize and self destruct. 

It would make a lot of sense to me that their relationship was built on this type of fucked up interaction, with Lorraine constantly pushing Javi to be this perfect dude with a white picket fence, and constantly calling him on his “failure” to do so. Maybe some of it was rooted in racism and classism - Lorraine seems like she could be that petty, materialistic type. Maybe Javi just wasn’t ready to settle down. 

Remember, too, that Javi’s love language is acts of service. He’s not a super romantic guy in the traditional sense, but he wants to do things for the person he loves, practical, tangible things to keep them safe and happy. If Javi thought that he could do better by Lorraine by putting a ring on her finger, it might be pretty easy to persuade him that he “ought” to do that, especially if there’s a continued history of verbal abuse. Remember that we tend to believe the things our abusers say about us, and that most of the time, this stuff starts subtle. If Lorraine is constantly suggesting that Javi’s not good enough for her, eventually, he’s going to fucking believe it. 

And consider the fallout of skipping town on your wedding day. No matter if the relationship is healthy or not, men tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to breakup sympathy, and to leave a pretty woman like Lorraine waiting at the alter? My god, people would have been vicious to Javi. 

He probably believed all of the shitty things they said about him.

Javi threw himself into his career, and between a dangerous, high stress job with the DEA and never addressing these old hurts (Javi just doesn’t do that, you know), what you wind up with is a deeply wounded, “self sufficient” (read: emotionally constipated) man with raging self esteem issues and an intense fear of emotional intimacy. Now, all of this shit might have scarred Javi, but it doesn’t change his nature. Javi has a huge heart, he’s fiercely idealistic, and he desperately wants to do the right thing. And we all need love and human connection. 

Javi just denies this emphatically. 

But the ugly truth is, Javi avoids long term relationships because he thinks he doesn’t deserve them. It’s not even about being hurt again, not anymore. He almost sees it as an ethical thing, dammit. Give this boy a hug. 

This is why it took a fucking bomb to get him off his ass and admit his feelings for Ears. Javi would never, ever have done that without something very radical catching his attention. He would have let Ears walk straight out of his life, and yeah, it would have torn him to pieces, and he’d have always regretted it and wondered ‘what if,’ but that fear is an old, deeply rooted thing. That’s why I have Ears sort of pick up on the gravity of Javi saying, “I’m all in,” to her at the end of The Rules of Engagement. She’s not eloquent, but she’s pretty intuitive, and she knows that a commitment is something that Javier Peña does not take lightly.

And let me just say this about commitment: Javier Peña is a man who honors his fucking commitments. Watch what he’s willing to do for his informants - he always, always puts their wellbeing first, even before his own, even before the integrity of the hunt for the cartels. 

And Javier Peña is beyond devoted to bringing down the cartels. Like, that’s his entire arc in the show, right?

He’s committed to justice, too. Like fiercely, will do fucking anything to make things right, to make them fair. He wants to do the right thing so much it burns.

So, I don’t think it’s fair at all to say that Javier Peña is a man who fears commitment. He fears intimacy, while at the same time, he craves it. He fears human connection, when really, that’s the thing he needs most. 

But he doesn’t fuck around once he decides something. 

Which is the really, really fun thing about Better Love. For the first time, we get to see Javier Peña, the idealist who wears his poorly disguised heart blatantly on his sleeve, the man who goes for broke trying to get things done, the man who’s passions literally destroy him, in an intensely emotional relationship with another human. One who is just as devoted to him in return. 

So, anyway, if you’re still reading this, wow. I just wanted to babble about how Javier Peña is far more than brooding testosterone. Actually, he’s a very soft boy who needs patience and a lot of healing, and somebody who is willing to meet him exactly where he is and love him because of it.

And I want to give him that. 

[plounce]

mighty nein ranked by how shitty their car is

8. JESTER: has a cute little blue vw bug that her mom bought her. calls it her blueberry. the bumper is covered in stickers. back window is covered in stickers. rearview mirror about to fall off due to weight of one million danglies. front dash is carpeted with tsum tsums.

7. FJORD: stole his car from his ex - avantika had a GREAT car. he takes care of it the best he can. unfortunately he can't afford to go to the european car mechanic that often so sometimes he has to let it sit in the parking lot for a while until he can go get it fixed.

6. BEAU: bought her honda civic secondhand recently & is trying really hard to take care of it the best she can. really twitchy about making sure to use the cupholders - has thrown molly’s fruity starbucks drink out of the window because he was being a bitch about it. the car has a scratch on the side that she constantly apologizes to her car for. she could be a car lesbian if she really wanted to.

5. YASHA: truck lesbian. goes offroading so it's all beat to shit and she never washes it so it's always encrusted with mud. she can really dig her hands in the engine, though, and her magic touch is the only reason it still runs. stray cats like to sleep in the wheel wells overnight but she always checks every morning after she found the first one.

4. CADUCEUS: can technically drive, but only on residential streets and at absolute grandma speeds. hates the freeway. can only drive stick. he's using the family car - it's a teal astro van from the 90s that has enough space in the back to hold a body. when he drives, jester likes to sit in the wayback with no seat and hide from passing police cars like a highschooler. the doors require special knowledge/cajoling to open. the interior has crayon scribblings all over it.

3. NOTT: has a 12 year old honda odyssey minivan. left back door cannot open. bumper is dented to hell. horn no longer works because she punched it so much. vomit stains on the carpeting. beau & molly scraped off the old romney 2012 sticker on her back window & she hasn't noticed yet.

2. CALEB: the shittiest little corolla you’ve ever seen. an ugly beige. turns off if it idles too long. cracked window. the backseat is usually covered with books and academia detritus; if you want a ride from him you have to help him move it all into the trunk because the passenger seat has a cat carrier stapled to it.

1. MOLLYMAUK: his car is decorated extremely garishly with bumper stickers and paint and some rearview mirror danglies and honestly is kind of cool looking because it has a Vibe. would be 4th place except it is literally undriveable since he got t-boned last spring. he is now mostly bumming rides off yasha.

[ruhrohimrorny]

What Subjects I Think LOK Characters Would Teach:

Lin: PE, obviously. Dating Kya and all the kids are happy cause there’s a noticeable shift in Lin’s mood once they start dating. She no longer forces kids to run a mile every day and instead does it once a week now, so the kids are hoping her and Kya stay together. She also coaches Golf and Lacrosse.

Kya: Waffled between MILF Math teacher, MILF Science teacher, and hippy/chill Music teacher, but decided on MILF Science Teacher. Getting strong Biology vibes. Very fun labs and not strict at all. Her and Zhu-Li are super passionate about leading the Science Bowl team. Seeing these young people be so passionate about STEM and helping their fellow teammates makes her hopeful for this young generation.

Tenzin: He kinda gives math teacher vibes, but a large part of his character in the show is about him keeping his history alive, and teaching others abut learning and respecting history, so I feel like he’s a History teacher. His class is a lot of notetaking but he plays quiet music and does a five minute meditation in the middle of class to encourage kids to relax, so students really like him and actually listen to him. Also, he’s kind of gullible so they make up fake trends to tell him. He once spent a week addressing people as “brony” cause students told him thats what people say now instead of bro. Kids got a good laugh out of that one. Him and Pema are another favorite teacher couple.

Bumi II: Def gives off eccentric/unhinged English teacher vibes. Very interesting and informative conversations in his class, but things get off topic very quickly. Whenever kids ask about Bum-Ju, he gets distracted and will talk the entire rest of the period about what to dress Bum-Ju up as for Halloween. Probably plays a lot of videos. And students don’t worry about if they read the books Bumi II assigns cause they don’t think he’s even read the books he assigns. When having discussions about the books in class, sometimes kids will make up stuff and say it’s in the book and for the most part, Bumi II goes along with it cause he doesn’t know what actually happens in the books.

Varrick: Also gives off eccentric/unhinged English teacher vibes, but because he’s a businessman/war profiteer, I’m gonna have to say he teaches Econ and gives students lots of unsolicited financial advice. Also supervises the Engineering and Robotics Club.

Zhu-Li: Science teacher, probably Chemistry. She’s very good at explaining and getting kids to follow her instructions. Not only is she a co-supervisor for the Science Bowl team, she helps Varrick run Engineering and Robotics Club, cause if it were only Varrick running it, no kids would come. His intensity and eccentricity scares them.

Iroh II: He’s definitely the young Math teacher everyone has a crush on. Very chill and doesn’t give a lot of homework. Kids love when he shows pictures of his dog to the class and eventually he brings in the dog cause admin think the dog is too cute to say no to.

Tonraq: Resident DILF History teacher. Kind of a hardass but also a nice dude so most everyone passes his class. Probably that History teacher that is also a football coach, so during fall he doesn’t give a FUCK about whether anyone actually turns anything in. Him and Senna is the teacher couple that seems like opposites but actually are pretty similar and balance each other out.

Senna: That English teacher that every mentally ill student becomes emotionally attached to. You know what I’m talking about. She’s so sweet, funny, and chill so all the kids love her class. Tries to include memes in her presentations to seem “with it” but they’re like, doge memes from 2014. But the kids appreciate the effort.

Pema: Definitely the sweet English teacher that occasionally has a mental breakdown when the students test her patience. Otherwise very chill. Also teaches the Childhood Education and Development class. Her, Senna, and Bumi II run the school newspaper.

Bataar: Drafting. Pretty chill, very skilled, and def smokes on the weekend. Also, him and Suyin are that teacher couple that everyone likes.

Suyin: Dance. Super nice and always has like to of those smelly plug in things going so her room smells good and has a “good vibe that evokes emotion”. Always plays EDM or weird 80s rock to get the kids moving. She runs the school dance team. When Bataar has prep period, he sometimes drops in to see Su dance, cause she’s mesmerizing to watch. All the kids think that, coupled with the fact that they eat lunch together every day, makes them the cutest couple ever.

Amon: Drama. He loves directing kids on how to totally live a role. If you can imagine, he sometimes gets a little overdramatic about drama, forgetting that these are just highschool kids, not Oscar winners, but his passion makes the class more enjoyable. Runs Drama Club with Tarrlok.

Tarrlok: Probably Physics. A difficult class, but he’s pretty good at explaining so most kids don’t struggle too much. His main focus is running student government, which he takes pretty seriously. Sometimes too seriously.

Unalaq: Teaches Psychology. The most pretentious teacher on campus. It’s literally so bad, that even other teachers avoid him. Amon abandoned his coffee still being brewed in the machine in the staff room cause Unalaq walked in and he didn’t want to be in a room with Unalaq again after he said that Amon’s outfit “looked like something stolen from the lost and found of a funeral home”. Unalaq sees it as “telling it like it is”.

Zaheer: Government and Politics. Tries to teach the class very well but also injects his own opinion into teaching a lot. The students find him scary but some also kinda think he’s hot. Also does Yearbook. Him and Senna run Mock Trial. Replaced the old Government and Politics teacher Hou-Ting after she retired. She was that one old teacher that made it a hobby to harrass students and constantly reminisced about when you could smack students.

P’Li: Math teacher. Much scarier than Zaheer. Plays her trash ass music very loudly while the kids work. Def yells at kids. She’s kind of funny when she’s in a good mood tho, and when she roasts kids it’s really funny cause it’s usually dead on. Her and Zaheer are those teachers that flirt a lot and you know they’re sleeping together.

Ming-Hua: Art. Loves drawing and, you guessed it, watercolor painting. Very chill and plays soft music but lets you listen to your own music. Super sarcastic and all the students eat it up. Literally a universal favorite. She runs Art Club and Fashion Club.

Ghazan: Guitar. Pretty cool teacher that definitely has some weird stories. All the students know he has a crush on Ming-Hua cause they flirt constantly, but he denies it. Runs E-Sports Club. Idk why I think that, it just feels right. Him and Ming-Hua are also the kinds of teachers kids become emotionally attached to.

Kuvira: Government and Politics also. Seems calm and reasonable, but is a total ass. Makes kids give up their phones, allows almost no talking, gives out more detentions a week than most teachers do in one year, and doesn’t allow for much discussion. Everyone wants her class cause she’s hot but most drop within the first week, to the point that counselors have to say no to some kids so they don’t have to get rid of the class altogether.

Bataar Jr.: Computer Lit teacher. None of the students respect him so they’ll play Minecraft the whole time or play inappropriate videos really loud. Doesn’t really put much effort into teaching, which for some kids is a dream, but for others is an annoyance. Him and Kuvira are the teacher couple that makes everyone say “wtf”. Literally no one knows why they’re together.

Izumi: Secretary/Attendance. Pretty much remembers everything and is super organized. She is the glue that holds the school together. Most students don’t know her name though cause she’s super quiet and works mostly behind the scenes. Whenever Zuko sends anyone her way though he reminds them of her name and to say thank you cause he recognizes how hard his daughter works to keep everything running smoothly. Izumi catches on to this and always manages to thank her dad with a nice tea and a hug.

Toph: Vice Principal. Scary as fuck. Doesn’t ever call kids’ parents cause she efficiently scares the shit out of every kid, so they never do whatever bad thing they were doing again. When she has to work dances, Katara always tries to get her to dance with her. She resists every time, but she always gives eventually. She’s happy to though, cause although she’ll never say it out loud, seeing Katara this happy at her old age warms her heart.

Katara: Health Clerk. Very sweet and everybody loves her. Sometimes kids pretend to feel sick just to talk to her. She doesn’t mind though cause a kid that has a tummy ache and a kid that needs to talk are both kids that need help, and she’s happy to offer whatever support she can. She also always offers to supervise dances when the school has them and always manages to bust a move.

Zuko: Counselor. Wants to be to students what his uncle was to him. Aang and Sokka were counselors too, some years ago. And while they could give some good nuggets of advice and offered the kids amazing support, they also would totally fuck up student’s schedules by accident cause those numbskulls were exactly that- numbskulls. So usually Zuko would have to fix that. He misses fixing their messes and, more importantly, he misses them (they aren’t dead, just retired). He hopes to retire soon too, cause he’s getting too old for this, but he secretly doesn’t want to retire just yet cause working at school allows him to see and spend time with Izumi. Since they’re both working, it’s not like they have too much time together, but even just her popping into his office to bring him tea or check in on how he’s doing that day brings a smile to his face that doesn’t leave for the rest of the day.

Raiko: Principal. After Toph stepped down cause she’s “too old for this shit” (her words), Raiko stepped in. The students aren’t a fan of him but he’s not terrible. And since Toph is still Vice Principal, she keeps him in check.

[yeongalaxy]

A Rose with The Thorns - Ch.1.

If you think you're having a hard time right at the moment, remember that Nina has only 2 days left until the first Math exam, and she didn't even open the books, and she doesn't know Maths. Okay she does know, but she's too lazy to practice. Nothing seems to motivate her to study, but she clearly has to if she doesn't want to fail the first exam of the first year at the university.

That would be quite embarassing for such a smart girl.

"This is so exhausting" she puts her pen aside and leans forward to rest her head on her arms. Sighing loudly, she closes her eyes and makes herself comfortable on one of the library chairs.

"Come on dude, we have just two more lessons to practice. I don't want us to fail this. People would think we got in here through some connections" Laura, Nina's best friend, gently shakes her hand in order for Nina to sit up.

And so she does.

"But I can't anymore. I feel like my brain is going to explode" Nina whines, lazily lifting up her head. The redness in her eyes and tired look on the face were clearly telling that she didn't get enough sleep last night.

She felt like she might just collapse right there how tired and exhausted she actually was. "If I were you, I wouldn't go to sleep at 3am and get up at 7am to go to the college. You have to sleep, you dummy" Laura turns some pages in her book.

"That's the problem. It's not that I'm going to sleep late. I fucking go to sleep at 10:30pm"

"Then where's the problem?"

"I couldn't get a proper sleep these past few nights because Yeonjun plays games all damn night and the sounds are just too loud and disturbing" she sighs.

"Why don't you go then and ask him nicely to stop because someone wants to sleep?"

"He hates me Laura. I literally feel that he hates me. It's not that I did something bad to him, I did not. He just doesn't talk to me at all, like I don't live with them"

"Did you tell Soobin?" Laura asks, looking at her friend.

"No. But I will. Let's get this done. I want to go home and sleep" Nina turns some pages as well and both of them start studying again.

They've been in the school library for the whole afternoon, trying to study for the exam. It's been a really hard afternoon for Nina, but she managed to push through it. She honestly hopes that something was placed in her brain and that she didn's sit there for nothing.

Once she comes home, she goes straight to her room, saying quick Hello to Taehyun, Beomgyu and Hueningkai who were playing Halli Galli in the kitchen. "Are you cheating again? I knew it!" Taehyun yells at Kai and seconds later, loud laughs filled the whole house.

Nina smiles to herself as she closes the door of her room. She quickly grabs her sweats and clear underwear, then heads to the bathroom to take a shower.

Humming a song to herself, she walks to the bathroom and gently knocks on the door in case that someone is inside. Voices from the kitchen are still loud and she smiles to herself again, knowing how much fun they have and how much annoyed Taehyun must be because Kai is constantly cheating.

As soon as she knocked on the door again, they slowly opened revealing shirtless Yeonjun, wiping his navy blue hair in a towel, while wearing only his grey sweatpants. Her eyes widened a bit as she quickly turns her back to him and covers her eyes.

She hears soft chuckle from him and waits for his next move. "You never saw a shirtless man? Jeez" he simply states passing by her, gently rubbing his shoulder against her while doing so. She doesn't say a word, but slowly moves her hands from her eyes and watches his back while he goes to his room which was next to her.

She quickly goes in the bathroom and closes the door even faster, not wanting anyone to see the redness in her cheeks, even tho there was no one around her at that moment. She was so startled to see him that her heart skipped a beat. 'Damn' she thinks to herself while letting out a breath she didn't even know she was holding in.

"That was first time he actually spoke to me since I came here, and it wasn't just 'Hello', wow" she quietly says holding her hand over her chest.

She's not sure why she reacted the way she did. Maybe it was because he hasn't been hanging out with her at all like the others did, or maybe because he was completly ignoring her, or maybe...

No.

Soobin says 'No liking, no dating'.

She can't like, nor date any of the boys. She would be in quite a trouble if she starts to like any of them. She was just startled that he spoke to her at all.

Not thinking much about that anymore, she goes to take a shower. The warm water relaxes her muscles and makes her a bit more tired than she already was, but that actually helps her. She's gonna fall asleep much faster.

Soft music plays in the background as she wipes the soap off her body with water. She sings to herself quietly as she walks out of the shower and wraps her body in a big, white towel. She brushes her teeth, then puts on her underwear and sweats. She puts on a simple white T-shirt, then goes out of the bathroom and into the kitchen to drink some water.

Boys were still playing a game, Taehyun was beyond annoyed with Kai, but he didn't bother too much. "I'm going to kill you if you cheat one more time" he looks at Kai with deadly look in his eyes, and Kai just laughs. "I won't cheat anymore hyung, I promise" his promise wasn't sincere at all, and Nina laughs at them, sitting next to Beomgyu once she fills her glass with water.

"This game looks quite fun, you have to teach me how to play it" she says, looking at Beomgyu's cards.

She didn't understand a thing, but it was interesting to watch them for some time.

"Where's Soobin?" she asks after some time.

"At gym. He'll probably be home soon" Beomgyu says, focusing on his cards.

"He started going to gym? When?"

"On Monday I think" Taehyun says.

"No wonder he's not home in the evening these days" Nina drinks some water.

***

Soft knocks on the door of Nina's bedroom make her lift her head and look at the door. "Come" she says, and moment later, Soobin enters her room.

"Hey" she smiles, standing up to hug him. "What are you doing?" he asks, wraping his hands around her back as she hugs him tightly. "Trying to study a bit more before I go to sleep again" she moves away from him.

"Oh, I get it" he sits on the crook of her bed.

For the first time after she came here, he was able to see her bedroom properly. Everything was in grey-white vibe, with some purple and blue things placed nicely on some of the shelves. He notices her plushies neatly arranged on a large shelf next to her bed.

Everything was so neat, and so perfect.

"What did you need me for?"

"Oh, I was wondering if you'd like to come with me and the boys to a party at one of the frat houses"

Nina's eyes were gently widened as she turned her full attention to him.

"Uhm, I'm not sure Soobs. I have to study for this exam"

"Come on, it's just one party. You've been closed here since you came and I feel so bad that I didn't take you to any of the parties I was at, and I know how much you like to party. Please" he pout and looks at her, knowing she's weak on that face and unable to say no to him.

After some silence, she scoffs and gives up. "Ughh okay, give me half an hour to get ready"

Soobin happily jumps and hugs her tightly, lifting her in the air. "Okay, be quick, we'll be waiting downstairs"

He rushes out of the room so she could get ready.

Nina closes her books and laptop, then quickly opens her wardrobe to find something nice to wear. She didn't want to complicate, so she went with a sparkly grey top and baby blue ripped jeans.

She puts a light make-up and puts her white Puma's on. She quickly grabs her purse and fills it with woman things she needs.

She brushes her hair and looks one last time at herself in the mirror before heading out of the bedroom to meet Soobin and the boys.

Little did she know that all of them, including Yeonjun were waiting for her. Once she comes to the living room, all of them look at her and her eyes immediatelly land on Yeonjun, who quickly checks her up and down.

"Wow, you're so pretty" Beomgyu comments, looking at her.

She tries not to be too much shocked as she smiles and thanks him.

Once they all sit in the car, she tries not to check on all of them and how hot they actually looked in their outfits.

Especially him.

'This is going to be a tough night' she thinks to herself as they drive off to the party.

Heyyyy guuuyssss, here's the first chapter for yall, I hope you like it🥰🥰🥰

[faedawayyy]

part 1

THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT MY CHARACTERS THAT ARE ABSOLUTELY CANON. IT’S JUST HOW THEY FEEL, GO AWAY.

BASICALLY, this is a masterlist of things i want people to know about them but they’d never necessarily say or show outloud bc most of them as stubborn as fuck.

DALLAS

he doesn’t regret or hate any of his exes at all. he is completely indifferent towards liana and gisele, still loves soraya and has a kind of up-down mood towards riley and zara. ruby’s a friend.

he believes he’ll end up with soraya...like one thousand percent. she’s the only person he’s loved. 

charlie, matt and evan are the only people he’d give the label of ‘true friends’ and it definitely isn’t what he would’ve expected a few years ago.

his weakness is people feeling proud of him. like that’s something he craves constantly and when it happens, or you show it genuinely, you’re most likely to get through to him.

his natural coping mechanism is to act out; some people shut down/drink/take drugs. the more extreme dallas’s behaviour is and the harsher he’s behaving, the more you know he’s hurting/in a bad place. 

definitely the victim of a serious god complex. he believes with his whole heart that some of his worst work is still better than a lot of peoples best (so do i cause im a bieber fan LOL) 

he’s intelligent - scarily so...he got into several top colleges after high school including yale (where he attended for half of a semester/term), oxford and UCL. 

before his dad’s debt engulfed his family, he had a really good relationship with him and played multiple sports including hockey and golf. 

he can’t picture himself living past 30...or 27 some days. 

biggest character flaw EASILY is not knowing how to ask for or accept help. it’s been the root of ALL of his bad decisions and shitty actions. 

this literally isn’t a secret but he doesn’t give up. if you push him, he’ll push back harder and would sooner escalate a situation than be the one to walk away. 

he does everything in his power to not have to sleep in his family home. 

a cute hidden quality - he’s shockingly very good with children 

a shit hidden quality - a lot of his choice of girlfriend’s have to do whether he finds them physically attractive or not. if it’s an ‘or not’, chances are he won’t even consider it. 

his personality type is estp - bold, practical, original, direct, insensitive, risk-prone, unstructured, defiant 

he is HIGHLY impulsive and quick to act on feelings. back to his exes, this has often made him feel like he loves people that he definitely doesn’t. 

he’s actually HUGELY affectionate and that’s the tell tale sign of who he likes and who he doesn’t. if you’ve known him and he’s never acted soft/affectionate, he didn’t care in the first place. 

he’s one million percent had his heartbroken. he’ll tell you he hasn’t all day. 

conflicting with his god complex is crushingly low self-esteem when it comes to things like being worth of peoples time/energy/genuine interest beyond just being funny/hooking up with. 

silent reassurance is a thing for him. he’ll check that someone he’s comfortable with/loves is there every so often as social events and eye contact/acknowledgement definitely helps 

MASON

confrontation and disputes gives him huge anxiety but the carmichael house is the definition of toxic masculinity, so he swallows it and tries to be as rational as possible in arguments. 

comparison is a very real thing for him. he compares every element and detail of his life to others; especially the other boys. 

he considers madison his first love 

his love language is definitely acts of service, if he’s willing to help and  work towards something w.you, then he cares. 

he is definitely a burnt out over-achiever. he struggles with the concept of ‘reaching his full potential’ and no matter what he does, he doesn’t feel like he’s ever there

between leo and brody, he feels like he was never a child or even young. he’s always had a really wise head on his shoulders and is rarely impulsive. it’s the thing he hates most about himself...yet the thing a lot of people find appealing 

if you mention a critically acclaimed movie as your favourite, it gives him a bad first impression of you LOL 

he struggles to show emotion more than the others, who tend to act out and make rash decisions. i doubt anybody’s seen him cry ever. 

he didn’t peak in high school but he 100% misses who he was back then 

nostalgia is something that consumes him sometimes - if he’s shared a deep connection or memories with you, he won’t forget about you 

he’s literally never been on the wrong side of the law but police sirens make him anxious 

he never wants to be turn out like his dad, but also wants everything his dad created and had and it’s his biggest dilemma 

dogs are and have always been his favourite animal

organisation is a big thing to him. people probably assume kendall is the one who keeps things in check in their apartment, but it’s totally him. cabinets, wardrobes, shelves and everything...he can’t leave it alone if it’s disorganised 

he struggles being spoken down to or feeling like he’s being patronised. it’s the quickest way to piss him off 

he over-thinks everything, even if it doesn’t feel like it 

his worst habit is nail biting. he even had the stuff you put on your fingers as a kid and it didn’t squash it

he’s vegetarian 

if he wasn’t a carmichael, he definitely would’ve gone backpacking and worked from place to place after school but his dad definitely wouldn’t have approved

feeling useful to people is something that makes him feel self-worth 

it’s very rare for him to quit ANYTHING. if he’s committed, he’ll be in it until it comes to a natural end or just forever

NATE

an actual clean freak. he hates mess. 

he doesn’t know if imogen is/was his first love but he definitely considers her his soulmate

when he falls for someone, he falls HARD and will definitely give up some of his own values or change to impress somebody 

he has a lot of opinions and ideas but finds it hard to articulate them, he’s always found it easier to fall into the ‘hot guy’ trope and it’s got him far enough so he can’t complain 

he’s lowkey into zodiac signs and astrology but wouldn’t ever outwardly show it 

he’s VERY domestic; cooking, cleaning handy-work etc. are all strong points of his. it’s rare you’ll find any space he’s living in a mess 

he’s a romantic but quietly. the amount of time he spends thinking about dating/his love life/his future wife/kids scares him sometimes 

if he shouts, he’s not even that mad. when he gives up and just let’s someone go off/or he walks off, that’s usually when he’s hit rock bottom with someone 

big hero 6 is his favourite movie but he says black panther because it’s more acceptable to most LOL 

he suffers with health anxiety; not working out properly, or eating too much junk food will send him on a weird spiral where he’s hard on himself for months 

he always smells good. always. 

he doesn’t like people who act dumb for attention, it’s probably his pet peeve 

his harry potter house is slytherin, i took the test for him. 

he loves all of his sisters but is definitely the closest to evie, it may have something to do with them being the youngest of the 5. 

the thought of having to play any board game upsets him a lot 

if he sleeps over at anybody’s house, he has to bring his own pillow. most people who know him have just accepted it 

even now he’s older, his parents are very much his parents - he hasn’t got that friendly vibe some people get with their parents once they pass 20.

he’s a pretty good chameleon. he can shift and change depending on the crowd he’s with without being too obvious 

[allelitefics]

Powerful

Characters: Santana x Reader

Warnings: smut, definitely smut, a little angst.

Summary: Santana needs to step up with you before he loses you completely. This one is for @allelitexo​ who requested something to be written about Santana. Love those guys but Santana is def my favorite as well. 

...that was the only Santana gif i liked... lol 

You were the girl who had the personality that just attracted people towards you. Even when you tried to downplay it, so that you weren't bringing attention to yourself, it never made a difference. Being in a job where you are social all the time was something you knew you'd excel at, and as a wrestling fan being in charge of the social media department for All Elite Wrestling was a blessing.

One of your favorite things about working for AEW was that it really was like a family, since day one you could just feel it in the air. You had prior experience working for some other indie promotions, and it was definitely different when you stepped foot on your first day into AEW. There were also some people that you automatically clicked with and they were all pretty different, one of them being Santana ... you both immediately bonded over growing up in NYC - although he grew up in the Bronx and you grew up a less rough area, you often found yourselves talking about different spots you both went to growing up. Joey Janela was another one of your favorites, same thing growing up in the same general area, and you worked with Joey a lot on the indies. You loved the girls that they brought into the roster Britt Baker and Brandi quickly became ladies you looked up to, as well as the makeup team they might've been your favorites to hang around during your down time.

Dynamite was your favorite part about AEW because of everyone going out together afterwards. Of course some would opt out, but you loved the socializing, it was honestly super motivating and promoted your own mental health. Every Wednesday the crew would find a spot, whether it was a local bar or the hotel bar - and you were there with your whiskey sour or glass of wine depending on your mood.

Santana was in the corner of the bar with his tag partner of several years, Ortiz. He watched you, he always watched you and became more and more protective as time went on. You weren't dumb, you always felt his eyes on you, watching every movement you made. He had quickly become one of your best friends, at least thats how you felt. If you were ever lonely, he was the first one you texted. No matter what time, day or night, he was there. But on these nights you went out as a group you found yourself surrounded by Joey, Britt, sometimes Sammy and a few others and Santana would isolate himself.

An hour after being at the bar and him remaining in the same area you finally went over after a conversation with the group came to an end. "Hey!" you say with excitement, glass in hand from behind him running your hand down his bicep to get his attention. He turned around with a smirk, "Hey baby girl, whatchu up to?" "Why don't you come join the group? Come hang out with me." you say, trying your hardest to charm him. You really didn't have to try that hard because he wanted you, he really did. "I'll come over in a bit." he says. You feel yourself slump, because he says that every damn week and never does. You frown slightly, "Yeah..right." You turn to walk away and once there is no way for you to hear them Ortiz speaks up. "What the hell man!" he says hitting Santana's shoulder. "What?!" "Maaaaaan, for WEEKS! She's been hinting at you, what the hell." "I don't know man, I'd do literally anything for her. She's too good and I man...you know me I fuck up every relationship I'm in." Ortiz shook his head in disappointment. "You ain't even gonna give it a shot?? You're pushing her right into Janela's arms.. literally." he said nodding over to where you were with the group.

You dug the hot dirtbag kind of thing that Joey had, for some odd reason you did. So you didn't mind the flirtatious relationship the two of you had developed. But he wasn't what you wanted and it made you so bummed out that 30 minutes had passed and you didn't even see Santana in the bar anymore.

You whipped out your phone to text him. "Where did you go?" you sent to him. "Back to my room, sorry baby." You hated when he called you petnames, especially when he knew you were probably pissed. "What the fuck Santana." you sent back to him and then put your phone away, you didn't even want to see what kind of reply he would come up with. You were completely helpless when it came to him though, you were attracted to everything about him. That thug vibe was a huge turn on for you, and you found yourself constantly looking at his social media, especially the photos in the gym, you were smitten hard. At the same time as much as you wanted him you couldn't keep with the empty promises from him. Maybe this would've been that indicator that you two wouldn't make it as a couple.

When you got back to your room that night you slumped right onto the king sized bed in your room and finally pulled your phone back out, several unread texts from Santana. "Let's see tonights excuses" you say to yourself.

"I'm sorry, I was really tired" ..the first text. "You know that I love spending time with you" ... "Shit, are you really going to ignore me?" .. "Text me when you get back to the room?" .. "I'm sorry Y/N." "At least let me know that you made it back safely.." ..

That last one got to you, because if he hung out with you tonight then he would know you got back safely. Asshole. You roll your eyes, not wanting to send him anything back, but you couldn't help yourself.

"I'm fine and back in my room." you texted him. He immediately texted you back which made you smile a little, at least he's been waiting by his phone all night, maybe panicking a little. "Are you mad at me?" "What the fuck do you think?" .. you hated to be like that, but at this point thats often the language you two used with each other. "I know, can I come by your room?" You sat there and threw your head back because you were annoyed with yourself because you knew you were going to say okay. But if he came by tonight, something would need to happen because if it didn't, then this friendship/flirtatiousness had to end. "201" you responded. 5 minutes later and he was there at your door, white v-neck shirt, his adidas workout pants and he always had the best shoes for his outfits. Just in that simple outfit he looked so damn good. The mix of alcohol and loneliness had you wanting him more tonight than you had before. You opened the door then turned around. "You gonna be cold to me?" "I don't know Santana, I'm so over this shit." "What shit?" You were so annoyed he was playing the stupid card. "Oh my god, this...us....either put up or shut-up because this is ju-" you were quickly cut off from your rant with his lips pressing against yours and his arms wrapping around your waist pulling you closer into him. He broke apart after a few moments. "I'm done too, let's do this, forreal." "Really?" you ask with big eyes which makes him smirk down at you. "Yeah." "Ugh finally." you say and you pull him back towards you for your lips to press against each others one more time. Your back hits the mattress and you knew all the tension was going to be let go tonight. Your legs wrapped around him as he then kneels up to take his shirt off. He nods at you gesturing that if you don't do the same he'll rip your shirt off in a second. You sit up and do the same and then he continues to kiss you, your lips, down to your neck, when he gets to your hips, he pulls down the jeans you had been wearing, your panties soaked at this moment and he bit his lip when he looked back up at you. You were so nervous but so eager. "You want this right?" you double checks. "Yes!" you say rolling your eyes and that just fuels him with confidence. You knew Santana was an experienced guy and really had no doubts about his talents in bed, but damn it was better than you ever expected. The way his tongue moved against your most sensitive area, then pumping his fingers inside of you, you were completely his melting right into him. "Mmmmm, fuuuck" you moaned out when you were coming close to your climax. "Cum for me baby...cum for me now" he starts sweet and then growls and you feel yourself tighten around his fingers, his tongue flicking against your nub. When you came, it was that release you'd been craving and that was just with his tongue and fingers alone. You pulled him to kiss you, tasting yourself on his lips. You then look at each other and he searches your eyes, wanting them to tell him what to do next. "Fuck me" you let out. That damn smirk, it showed on his face once again, he did exactly what you told him. You moaned out loud when you felt him ease his length into you and you gripped onto his biceps. "You good baby?" You nodded as the breaths you took got more and more shallow. Time was nonexistent as he put you in all kinds of positions and then finally both of you climaxing at the same time.

He laid on his back his arms sprawled out and pulled you into him. "I'm sorry...fuck I've been an asshole." "Not an asshole, just an idiot." He laughs, "Yeah okay, an idiot. I don't want to hurt you, that's all I'm worried about." You look up at him now, resting your chin on his chest. "Stop doubting yourself, if you could just be the Santana I know, then we'll be fine." A genuine smile creeps upon his lips as his hand moves to the back of your head pulling you in for another sensual kiss.

[monotonous-minutia]

because I think of it altogether too much, some dialogue on the differences in the role of the Muse in Les contes d’Hoffmann, in the play versus in the opera. Enjoy my nerdy, disorganized, former-literature-major ramblings as I spend altogether too much time picking apart the minutia of this issue (but hey, it’s in my URL, so).

In the original play by Michael Carré and Jules Barbier (the same people who wrote the libretto for the opera), the Muse doesn’t double as Niklausse. We get two separate characters–the Muse and Hoffmann’s sidekick, Friédrick.

The play opens with a monologue from the Muse, similar to the one in the opera (some lines are taken verbatim). The monologue in the play, though, isn’t about the Muse being mad at Stella and wanting to win Hoffman’s love. It is in a lot of ways a love letter to the real Hoffmann’s writing, of which Carré was a huge fan (obviously, he wrote a whole play about them). The works of E.T. A. Hoffmann were (and to an extent, still are) hailed as being unique, strange, and otherworldy compared to most of what was seen at the time. The Muse here talks about her stories as if they’re her own, and she happens upon Hoffmann in the tavern (read: when he gets drunk, he gets inspired to write weird stuff). She’s here, then, to introduce this story–the play that we’re watching/reading–as one of her own. She does reappear at the end and makes a statement similar to that made at the conclusion of the opera, that the poet had to suffer to be truly great and now that he’s given up on love she has him to herself–but it’s not that she specifically tried to make this happen, she’s just pleased that it did.

After the Muse’s opening monologue, she tells the audience that the people are coming and she’s going to hide, because they scare her. She puts on a suit and hat similar to that warn by the students that will soon be populating the tavern, so she can blend in with them and not be noticed. I’m guessing this is where the inspiration for the Muse also being Niklausse eventually (partially) comes from.

But we don’t have Niklausse in the play; we get Friédrick. Friédrick is, in my perception, ridiculously adorable. He spends a good portion of the play serving sass. There’s a ton of banter between him and Hoffmann, and some with Friédrick and the side characters as well as they collectively role their eyes at Hoffmann. So, much similarity to Niklausse. A few differences, though: the guys in the tavern love making fun of him, because he’s younger, and Hoffmann is even a little bit meaner to him than their operatic counterparts, and Friédrick is just kind of resigned to it, though he does make fun of Hoffmann at times. Mostly he feels sorry for him and feels the need to take care of him, as he can’t seem to take care of himself.

Friédrick is referred to as Hoffmann’ “shadow,” in that he follows him around everywhere making sure he doesn’t get himself arrested or shanked. He is also referred to by Hoffmann as “the voice of reason” through all his adventures, though of course Friédrick doesn’t remember any of them, since they didn’t actually happen. But he is constantly dragging Hoffmann out of trouble in these stories, which is why Dappertutto tries to off him in the Giulietta act. Dappertutto is annoyed that Friédrick first rescues Hoffmann from Olympia when she goes crazy (which is a big part of the play, and written into the libretto, but rarely ever portrayed on stage for the opera), then saves him from Crespel when Crespel tries to get Hoffmann for (as he perceives) killing Antonia (another bit that’s in the libretto but rarely portrayed onstage) and, finally, is trying to literally drag him away from Giulietta. As with Niklausse, Hoffmann severely under-appreciates Friédrick and all that his friend does for him. But when Dappertutto tries to give him a “sleeping potion” that he says will just make him pass out long enough for Hoffmann to get it on with Giulietta, Hoffmann kind of gets a reality check when he’s like “Wait, okay, but what if he drinks it and then he dies?” Dappertutto insists that no such thing is even remotely possible. I do wonder where Hoffmann’s sudden suspicion and consideration comes from. Like, is he already suspicious of Dappertutto, or is he just concerned because Friédrick is so small a single dose of Nyquil could end him? (Being a lightweight myself, I do wonder.) But we never find out either way, because Giulietta waltzes onstage and downs the poison first and of course Friédrick arrives just in time to save Hoffmann yet again. I just gotta wonder: given Friédrick is not the Muse in this version, why is it that he’s the one who drags Hoffmann out of trouble over and over again in a series of stories that didn’t actually happen?  As constantly annoyed as he seems at Friédrick, he’s the one making the choice to have him play that role. And Friédrick is pretty cool with it. I guess they were roommates.

The Muse’s role, then, comes with a different vibe. She doesn’t have any influence over Hoffmann’s love life or seem quite as imminently concerned about it. She’s not following him around in the same way; she kind of just has to wait for him to come around. She’s less assertive and pretty resigned to having to deal with the constant BS but at the same time seems less bothered by it. She’s not totally dependent on him or solely invested in him; she just likes him a lot and enjoys writing stories with him. The operatic Muse is much more definitively attached to Hoffmann and sees his love life as a direct opposition to them. The stakes are higher for them than for the Muse in the play.

The whole Muse/Niklausse dynamic on the opera fascinates me to no end. I can’t even quite put into words the thoughts I have about it. Lately when I think about the question “If you could go back in time and talk to anyone in history who would it be?” I just want to go and talk to Barbier and Carré and ask how they came to the decision to make Niklauuse and the Muse the same character because–is there really anything in literature that’s quite the same as that? We get “a madwoman, come down from the heavens, to fight with a frivolous woman over the love of a fool” (a line from the libretto) who transforms themself into their poet’s best friend, and deals with his BS which is (as I rambled on a bit in an earlier post) borderline emotional abuse in some cases and even in its mildest forms raises the question “Why, sweetie, why do you put up with this.” Well, they can’t not, can they? What’s a Muse supposed to do? They’ve got their poet and have no other purpose in life that to serve as their inspiration. What would they do if Hoffmann did actually choose Stella over them? It’s basically out of the question.

So looking then at the Muse/Friédrick dynamic was an interesting transition. I can start to see some of the pieces but in some ways it also raises more questions. Was Niklausse ever an actual person, like Friédrick? Is the Muse donning the disguise for just that one night, to be witness to the storytelling, as the Muse in the play does? Does the operatic Muse just figure that Hoffmann will be drunk enough to not notice the difference when the real Niklausse comes back later? Or was Niklausse the Muse all along, and the Muse has for years (or however long) personified themself as another student to try and win Hoffmann on his level? Further, is it Hoffmann who comes up with all the little things that Niklausse does that hints to us what his status actually is, showing that Hoffmann is subconsciously aware of the connection all along? Or is it the Muse infiltrating the storytelling as it occurs to insert themself further, trying to get Hoffmann to really see them during the course of the telling?

On one hand I go crazy over the fact that these questions are never answered, and I wonder why the librettists went from the relatively straightforward Muse/Friédrick dynamic to the super meta, almost incomprehensible Muse/Niklausse dynamic. On the other hand, I appreciate the weird genius behind this that makes me think unreasonably hard about the creative process and art in general and also the relationships we have with people in our lives who we depend on in ways such as this. Also, I appreciate how the ambiguity allows different productions of the opera to have so many interpretations of the role (although there are definitely some interpretations that can go to hell as far as I’m concerned).

Also I think a lot about the names. I think Friédrick is just a cute name and I think it suits the original character. And the transition to Niklausse makes sense: a new interpretation of the character warrants a new name–plus Niklausse comes from “Nicholas” which means “victorious people” which makes sense, you know? Niklausse triumphs in the end, so why not have a powerful name like that? If I were a Muse taking on a human form on earth, I’d want something with that kind of power, too.

[nightsonights]

sfw alphabet- z.k.

masterlist

author’s note: HUGE shoutout to the absolute queen @reveriekuwonu for this idea. her work is so so amazing and she’s so credibly talented. she did this for both nick and edwin so please please go check those out!!

also, this is not 100% reflective of the boys, zion in particular. i (obviously) don’t know them personally so these are all based on the assumptions/vibes that i get off them.

•••

A= Affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

zion is moderately affectionate. he isn’t serenading you constantly or bringing you gift baskets and chocolates but from time to time, he’ll get you your favourite meal or perfume. you guys are practically best friends who are in love and in a relationship. he shows his affection through constantly spending time with you or just by simply telling you that he appreciates and loves you.

B= Best friend (what would they be like as a best friend? how would the friendship start?)

HE IS YOUR NUMBER ONE SUPPORTER. zion is down for anything and everything. smoke a joint? down. turn up? down. late night run to mcdonald’s? down. you’d start being friends with him through meeting at parties hosted at the pm house or through mutual friends. you both share the spotlight when it comes to getting lit so overtime, you learned to share it.

C= Cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

zion is a meaningful cuddler. he likes to cuddle in silence and enjoy your presence. he would enjoy cuddling after a long day with something playing on the TV. the vibe is overall reflective. he is reflecting over his life or his goals or even being with you. his favourite cuddling spot would be resting his head on your stomach or your thighs.

D= Domestic (do they want to settle down? how are they at cooking and cleaning?)

one day. zion can imagine himself one day with a wife and kids and like five simba’s running around but that’s very far down the line for him. he can cook and be clean when he wants to but often times finds himself slacking. however, when he puts his mind to a recipe or making a place look decent, he does an amazing job.

E= Ending (if they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

zion isn’t totally immature about it. he’s not gonna go around spreading details or be butthurt about it. maybe make some unpointed ig story remarks but he’ll get over it. good with hanging around ex(s) after splitting just cause he doesn’t fuck with the negativity. but i do see him hooking up with one for old times sake.

F= Fiance(e) (how do they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

marriage is something that zion can see in his life, just not anytime soon. isn’t very scared of setting down per say but he’s not at the stage of his life where he wants to fully be (and legally) accountable for someone else.

G= Gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally)

LITERALLY THE SOFTEST PERSON YOU’LL EVER MEET. under that hard exterior, he’s a soft, giant teddy bear. he is emotionally gentle when he knows that he can trust you and vice versa. physically he’s the same. IN BED THO... girl. we won’t talk about that ;).

H= Hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?)

zion’s hugs are overwhelming to anyone. he literally engulfs you into his chest and towers over you with his height. being in his embrace feels like another world; your own personal shelter. he doesn’t mind being hugged but he finds it quite awkward if the person isn’t the same height as him. these types of hugs come forth when you’re feeling down or if he feels like he hasn’t held you in a while.

I= I love you (how fast do they say the l-word?)

zion isn’t one to just say ”i love you” to anything or anyone. he will definitely feel like he’s in love for a long time before he actually says it out loud.

J= Jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they’re jealous?)

zion is definitely a petty jealous. he will just hit you with those passive aggressive remarks like “go hit up your mans” or “tell your man he’s staring too hard.” he doesn’t take it too seriously though cause he knows you’re his girl and he trusts you.

K= Kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss you? where do they like to be kissed?)

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MANS LIPS? LORD. zion’s kisses are always passionate and sexy. tongue, biting of the lips, etc. make out sessions are very common between the two of you. he loves to kiss your lips and loves to receive neck/jaw kisses.

L= Little ones (how are they around children?)

zion’s really shy around kids. the soft side of his personality comes out when he encounters a child. definitely nervous about making them upset or doing the wrong thing so he tries to avoid doing too much. he’d be an excellent dad once he stops tip toeing around his kid.

M= Mornings (how are mornings spent with them?)

mornings with zion are usually spent with puffs of smoke and tangled limbs under sheets. this is zion’s time of reflection and appreciation. whether that be because of his joint or not.

N= Night (how are nights spent with them?)

if the night isn’t spent partying or mixing beats in the studio, they are spent cuddling while watching reruns of old shows or cartoons. lots of inappropriate gripping and touching but overall pretty chill.

O= Open (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

zion is definitely one to have you piece together his biography slowly but surely. he’s not afraid to be vulnerable but it will take him a while to open up to someone. he needs to feel like he’s not being judged or ridiculed of the things that mean a lot to him in order to talk truthfully about them.

P= Patience (how easily angered are they?)

believe it or not, zion is very patient. he often holds his tongue to avoid unnecessary conflict. however, he will let things accumulate untill he’s reached his breaking point and feels like he needs to get shit off his chest. and when zion talks his shit- it’s over for y’all hoes.

Q= Quizzes (how much would they remember about you? do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

zion’s a good in between. he won’t remember the name of your first goldfish but he will remember your common phrases or actions. zion remembers things that are relevant to you and your relationship, not random fun facts.

R= Remember (what is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

your first time meeting his family or the moment where you both admitted you had feelings for each other.

S= Security (how protective are they? how would they protect you? how would they like to be protected?)

zion is super protective. he will throw hands for you, no questions asked. when it comes to protecting his family and friends, he doesnt care who was in the wrong or who it is. zion doesn’t so much need to be protected physically (although he wouldn’t mind you throwing hands for him ) but he likes to feel emotionally protected and valued. he appreciates someone he can express his hardships to and not worry that they will repeat it to someone else.

T = Try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

because he’s very spontaneous and down for anything, every activity feels like a date. zion will remember something that you mentioned in passing and say let’s go do it. Because all your dates are very informal and chill, he would take anniversaries and special occasions really seriously. even going as far to make them extra cheesy and heartfelt :).

U= Ugly (what would be some bad habits of theirs?)

zion is a silent angry. he doesn’t feel the need to mention every little thing that makes him angry so he expresses his anger in silent and passive aggressive ways. when you try to help him or fix it the problem, he brushes it off just cause he would rather avoid the unnecessary argument. when zion gets in these types of moods, he can be very grumpy and agitated which doesn’t help either of you.

V= Vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

coming from a chubby childhood, zion often is self conscious about his weight. people might take it as him being cocky or fuckboy-ish when he shows off his abs but really he’s just proud of his progress/workout regiment.

W= Whole (would they feel incomplete without you?)

definitely. you and zion do some much together that if you were ever to leave for some reason he would definitely feel like he’s missing his better half.

X= Xtra (a random headcanon for them)

will never ask for it but loves when you take control in the bedroom. loves the feeling of your hands in his hair. is a whore for neck/jaw kisses. especially when hickies are involved.

Y= Yuck (what are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

someone who is boring or doesn’t want to take risks. as mentioned before, he’s a very energetic and spontaneous so if his partner isn’t as equally as adventurous it’s a major turn off. zion also isn’t keen of someone who is always calling him out for smoking weed or being high. his fans already do that so much already, he doesn’t need his significant other doing the same.

Z= Zzz (what is a sleep habit(s) of theirs?)

zion definitely likes being the small spoon. his ideal sleeping position is his head resting on your stomach, thighs or chest.

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 23: Jake* Part One

Jake* and I had a romance that in the beginning felt very much like Romeo & Juliet, similar to the tragic Shakespeare play, it had a tragic ending. However, a lot less death in my version.

Ethan* and I actually reconnected for a short bit, about two weeks, strictly as FWB before downgrading it to regular friends without the benefits. We decided to help each other on our quests for finding relationships, and working together to improve our dating profiles. Although I had said to myself and my friends I wouldn’t return to the apps until after attending a friends’ wedding, I caved upon helping Ethan* with his love life, and behold, the apps were back on my phone a few days before I left for the wedding, though I wasn’t taking it seriously or being a “try-hard;” I left my accounts on pause or “don’t show me” most of the time.

It all started on Hinge with Jake*. I would not say Jake* was my type, but something spoke to me about him. The conversation started with a “Hey” from him, not super creative, and I usually make fun of people that on apps do this, I will literally call them out and be like “WOW YOU GOT ME” but this time I felt nice and decided to be a normal human being. Luckily, he was not a brick wall for conversation. He was out of town with family in North Carolina. That is one thing I like about Hinge, no matter where you are you can still search particularly at your home base, without having to buy the premium version of whatever of the app like the other ones do. He seemed spontaneous, as he described his trip as his mom coming by and saying hey we’re leaving you wanna come? What a life, I couldn’t imagine having that kind of freedom. 

I told him how I was about to leave for a wedding and would also be out of town. We got deep, quickly, and were very vulnerable with each other almost immediately. I apologized for being a bummer, but he said he was happy we were actually talking about things instead of superficial things. We continued to talk through the app almost constantly while I was still at the wedding. We decided upon meeting the next Wednesday since he was getting back from his trip Tuesday; I return on Monday. Along the way, I found out he was allergic to cheese. Like not lactose intolerant, fully allergic. I told some of my best friend and Ethan* about this, and jokingly they said it was a red flag and to abort. I went with the logic of “more cheese for me.” 

I got home from the wedding and Tuesday I found I was coughing a little bit. I got home from work and had a mild fever. I told him tomorrow we should do a virtual date. He asked how we would do that and I said Facetime if he had an iPhone. So I gave him my number and we had a silly text conversation before bed.

Classic. How could I not want to be with someone like this?

The next morning I woke up with an even higher fever and called off work. I check Instagram and find that the maid of honor from the wedding is also sick. I inquire and it leads to a whole investigation, excel document, and so on as we discover that 16 people (at least) are now sick. One person was rapid tested and it is COVID-19. I get myself tested at a local CVS that day. I tell Jake* about the story’s progression. We still have our Facetime date later and he says he would be happy to bring me anything if I need it. 

When I get my results a few days later, I officially have COVID-19. I’m told by the health department to quarantine 10 days after my symptoms started. My work requires that I be retested and receive a negative test before I go to work, so I plan to get tested on that day; Jake* and I also decided we will have a first date that day as well. 

I learn a lot about Jake* during my quarantine. We text almost constantly, that is when we aren’t Facetiming, which is also very frequent. We often would Facetime for literal hours. I learn a lot about him that scares me in a way, but more so that he has had a very complicated and violent childhood which led to not being a super upstanding citizen when he was a teenager. I was upfront and told him I was intimidated by this and we both said that misery is relative. 

As it does, after talking constantly for almost 10 days at this point, we did start to be sexual from afar, granted we still haven’t seen each other in person. He would say that he had a “shrimp” and talked about it so much that I started to take him seriously. I told him about my IUD, to which he responded with a very excited GIF. Again, slightly impressed that a man knows what it is, from my experience of men not knowing about female reproductive system, more on that later.

One day, we segued from sexual things to my tub backing up and that I needed Drano. Immediately he said he had some and would bring it over. I gave him my address and in less than ten minutes he appeared at my door. I knew I was a mess but it was the best day for me. We talked briefly through the window and I could see he was tall and skinnier than I thought, but still very handsome. His skin was so tan he looked like he could pass for being black. When it was time for him to go, we placed our hands together through the glass, the most contact we could have right now. He left and I was able to retrieve the Drano. It didn’t end up helping, but it was worth a go and definitely worth seeing him in person.

He told me that he was happy I wasn’t a catfish and that I still looked beautiful. Even with my sickness. After a full week of being sick, I started to feel better and almost normal. My cough decreased, my headaches were better, my fever had been gone since the first couple of days, and although I tired easily, I wasn’t constantly fatigued. I had chest pain and my heart just felt weird, I planned to see a cardiologist as soon as I was cleared. When it came time to be retested, I had high hopes and was so excited to be able to finally spend time with him. However, the world had other plans. I was able to get rapid tested, and unfortunately, I was still coming up positive and the doctor extended my quarantine another week. When I got to my car I called him (not Facetime) and told him what was happening and I cried. He comforted me and said that it would be okay.

In a way, it is lucky my quarantine was extended and that I needed to be retested, as the sickness came back again and a day later I was sicker. I gave him an out one day, I told him that when we matched we never expected I would be getting sick, let alone my quarantine lasting this long. I told him he didn’t need to wait for me, that I would understand if he wanted to see other people. 

He continued to say that he is the kind of person that doesn’t give up easily and wanted to stick it out. I was truly not trying to test him, I wanted him to be free if that was what he wanted, but he truly wanted to stay with me.

One night, my chest pain worsened and I was laying in bed, feeling truly like the brink of death was close, struggling to breathe. At midnight, I text him and say I’m scared. I’m afraid to fall asleep because I feel like if I go to sleep I won’t wake up. Always calm, he suggests I get some fresh air and go outside. I follow his idea and after five minutes of fresh air return inside. He continues to comfort me and say he is there for me.

I say I feel better and am finally able to go to sleep. 

We are still talking a lot, Facetime multiple times daily. I still don’t have feelings, but he tells me he likes me and is truly very sweet and cares about me a lot. There is one day where we just didn’t talk to each other yet that day, and he texts me, while I call him out for being “needy”:

One day during a Facetime he says “I feel like we’re never going to meet and you’re going to keep finding reasons to blow me off.” I legitimately got mad at the insecurity, he claims he is kidding. I tell him that that kind of attitude actually does piss me off. Although I am not head over heels with him, I definitely want to give it a chance once I can so I can see where it goes. He brought me things another time during my extended quarantine, a clove of garlic because I needed it for some food I was making and had none on hand. Unlike last time, he was on his way somewhere and was running late, therefore didn’t have time to linger around. I didn’t see him and had left my dog out in the yard for him to see, though at the time he showed up, she was hiding and he didn’t get to give her pats.

Days go by, and again I start to feel almost normal, for the second time in my illness. The day comes for my third test. I am terrified. I ask him what if I’m still positive and need to quarantine still. At this point, I’m completely out of PTO at work, in the negative actually, and honestly, my mental health is failing from the isolation. He tells me that I’m going to get a negative test today and to trust. Lo and behold, the negative test finally is here! I’m excited to return to my life, and to a greater extent excited to finally spend time with this man. 

We had tentatively planned a date that night, but now we could. I call him immediately after I get back to my car and we plan our first date. He asks if I’m going to be weird or awkward when we're finally in person. He claims that he is different in person; I tell him I hope he isn’t much different because I like the vibes I’ve been getting so far. Our first day occurred finally when we have been talking for 3 weeks. He says he’s on the way. I’m waiting and waiting. He’s in traffic. Jokingly, I repeat the line he said to me about us never going to meet. After all this time, the outs I gave him, it would be funny if after all this he stands me up. 

[littlebigmouse]

Boku No Hero Academia first impression:

In no particular order, covering the first 4 episodes, because I FINALLY watched them. it got kinda long and kinda critical, but I do see why ppl would like the show:

- I absolutely adore the art style and animation - the hero and villain design? awesome, I swear - that scene where Miss Mountain gets introduced and everyone just takes pictures of her butt, like, why did we need this scene? Really? Isn’t it time for the Shonen Genre to grow up a little? - All Might - I repeat, All Might as this skinny guy because he’s badly injured? Awesomeness - 80% of people have a Quirk, that means that 20% of people don’t have one, which means that one in five people actually don’t have superpowers so it is highly improbable that Deku’d be the only kid without a Quirk in his class/he and the bullies seem to know - would people with useless quirks be discriminated against as well? And shouldn’t, statistically speaking, most quirks be flippin’ useless in most cases? - on that note, I’m just so dying for the topic of Quirkless people in the population being discriminated as a whole? I mean, judging by how people treat Deku, I think they are, but at the same time they don’t appear to be at all? - What did the Quirks do to classic Beauty standards? Since it’s fairly normal for people to look abnormal, yet at the same time the crowds only ever consist of regular people in suits? Idk, waiting to see more on that I guess? - Did I mention the cinematography? A+ for the light effects in the junk yard scene - wayyyy to many flashbacks repeating something I saw 2 minutes earlier though - Deku studying all the heroes is pure and smart and actually getting him to his goal and I love it - Okay, but how come Deku appearantly never had the idea to work out before? Look at One Punch Man, it worked for him too. - Kacchan has zero chill and it is honestly getting a bit annoying already - what the heck is wrong with the teacher. Good lord, that is one heck of a bad teacher. Fire him, like, right now - seriously tho “Kacchan, you aren’t allowed to use your powers in class, oops, you set the wimp on fire, happens, I guess” (are we not gonna talk about how dangerous these powers can be? Kacchan has the ability to set people on fire and no one is like “Dude, you gotta chill and do something about your anger management, how you haven’t accidentally killed anyone is a miracle”) - Idk what that relationship between Deku and Kacchan is supposed to be, everyone calls them ‘rivals’ and ‘childhood friends’ but, just, NO. Kacchan told Deku to kill himself in his second major appearance, they ain’t no friends. - idk what Kacchans real name is, I forgot already - if no one calls Kacchan out on his bullshit any time soon I will riot. The difference between ‘Rivals’ and ‘Enemies’ is that only one of them is supposed to want to see you dead - the fact that Deku just gets to inherit his powers from All Might is a bit underwhelming. “So you are genetically at a disadvantage compared to most of society? Here’s awesome magic to give you a genetic advantage (once you learn to control it).” I’d love to see what they’d done if Deku had no way of getting actual superpowers and just had to train hard - basically, BNHA would have made an awesome Mumen Rider prequel - yes, overexerting yourself a few hours before your great exam sounds like a wonderful idea - NOT - I’m not saying it’s not relatable, I’m just saying I don’t think either of them gets to have the braincell in this show - ahahaha, Deku had to eat All Mights hair, that is both awesome and gross on so many levels - I don’t care how much magical healing they have, I call bullshit if not at least a few people get killed by falling debris every year during this exam - the girl is trapped. Deku has to save her! except. she has levitation powers. Just levitate the rock off your leg. - WHY DOESN’T SHE JUST LEVITATE THE ROCK. she can’t even feel ‘too sick’ to do it because she saves Deku afterwards anyway, so the author plain forgot about her powers there, or she has lower regard for her own life than she has for Dekus, and I’m not sure which option I’m more comfortable with, since they literally only just met and he wouldn’t even have been in danger had she just levitated the rock off her leg - im just saying, were she a male character, she would’ve been able to get the rock off her leg because of the power of determination or whatever because she wants to pass badly. But because she isn’t she gets the power of determination to save the main character, not herself. - yes I will complain about sexism in shonen anime, fight me. - the show underestimates how much broken bones HURT. Deku broke all of his bones in three of his limbs, he should have passed out from the pain a bunch of times during his fall - the flapping of his broken limbs was so painfull to watch, ahhhh - please let there be consequences for injury, please let there - oh damn it - Dekus Mom is so super supportive of her sons dreams and fretts with him over the letter and the heroes and all, but of course he doesn’t tell her about his encounter with All Might, not even that he is now training, and leaves her in front of his closed door while he opens the letter from the UA, but, but why? They seem to have a good relationship with each other so far and she is super supportive, so why doesn’t Deku open up to her more? As far as we know, she is his only ally anyway since he didn’t have any friends in middle school. It either gets adressed or it WILL bother me to no end - on that note, glasses dude with the freaky legs already looks super promising and is probably gonna end up high on my fav characters list - Deku very clearly failed the exam in every way, but passed because he had good intentions. I see where they’re coming from since he did something heroic, but he absolutely risked his life recklessly and while that is heroic, it’s also so super stupid, if all the heroes constantly pulled stunts like this, there would be no UA - what kept All Might from giving Deku his hair like, a week prior so he could test out what the heck he could even do? It’s not like Deku suddenly became shredded in the last week, they wouldn’t have noticed a huge enough difference in that last week alone to make the muscle mass argument stick (since All Mights calculations were off anyway since Deku overexerted himself and all that) and it’s just so goddamn irresponsible and dangerous coming from a character that didn’t seem stupid enough to be that irresponsible - I know All Might probably counted on Deku being heroic instead of powerful, but that still made the entire thing super risky and dangerous. Rarg. - my suspension of disbelief is officially stretched beyond ever needing to worry about any of these character’s health, because clearly, they’re gonna make it as long as they have good intentions. yawn. - I know BNHA is a very classical shonen show in this regard, but it’s not like very classical shonen weren’t able to be at least a bit reasonable about the amount of injury a character survives within the first four episodes (for all its faults, Soul Eater was awesome about that, now that I think about it. One Piece meanwhile just convinced me right off the bat that injury is purely an aesthetic thing) - I think Mob Psycho may have ruined me for shonen forever :/ - They keep teasing really good ideas only to go ‘sike!’ and do the least interesting thing. - Like, Deku has no powers, but keeps books upon books filled with analysis of his fav heroes. That’s awesome! Do something with that! Have him work out and be smart and prove that people with useless/no quirk can be just as good if they work smartly! Have him fake a quirk to get in, or get in on All Might’s reccomendation, or- - or don’t have him get in because of the systemic discrimination and have Deku become a real, classic vigilante, protecting the quirkless and fighting systemic oppression. Or have him become a villain. - I bet there’s fanfic for that. Might check out. - On that note, how do people with non-combat powers ever get into the school. “Yes, I see that you have super healing, empathy, can calm other people down, paralyse them and would in general be an awesome hero to deescalate situations. But we prefer people with the power to punch things really hard.” isn’t there a mind control guy later in the show? How’d he get in? - on second thought, the school and the test make perfect sense because entrance exams be like that. Hnnng. I dropped the show. I’m not vibing with it :/

[rckyclrk]

alex turner. 27. cismale. he/him. the black keys | i can’t believe i just saw RICKY CLARK walking out of cadence records. they’re the VOCALIST / BASSIST from the PUNK group HEATSTROKE who have been in the industry for THREE YEARS. the tabloids love to focus on their COLDHEARTED nature , but they’re also pretty CHARISMATIC and they seem to give off a vibe that reminds people of FRIENDS HOLDING YOU BACK FROM BAR FIGHTS, CUNNING SMIRKS, CRYING FROM RAGE WHEN YOU’RE ALONE.

hello !!! i’m jess, i’m 22, reside in the bst timezone and use she/they pronouns !! i literally only found this rp like two hours before it opened for plotting so excuse me if this intro seems a bit rushed, and i apologize for how late it is. this is the first of my muses, king asshole ricky clark. he’s a damaged angsty boi and i hate / love him. please like this if you’d like to plot, or slide into my IMs! 

p.s. we can also plot on discord @ aries baby#7087 and you can check out a pinterest board for ricky here!

trigger warnings: heart disease, loss of a parent, ‘daddy issues’, abandonment, drugs & alcohol mentions, violence implication

BACKGROUND

ricky was born to dirt-poor parents in upstate new york. they had pretty much nothing but the basic necessities but it was v much a “they had each other and that was enough” kinda thing

his mother was his hero, ricky idolized her as she would do anything for him & was a kind, honest woman with a good heart who put every penny she earned into trying to give ricky a good life.

but his dad? quite the opposite. he was a distant, aggressive man with violent tendencies. whenever he was home, he was causing conflict. but most of the time, he wasn’t. it was pretty obvious that he was cheating on ricky’s mom, as well as just generally giving zero shits about his son. he was just an all-around asshole.

his mom was a waitress. she worked very few shifts as she wanted to make sure she could spend a lot of time around her son making sure he had a good upbringing.

when ricky was eleven, she suddenly fell ill with heart disease and her condition deteriorated very quickly. she could no longer work and decided to turn to music as a way of coping, learning to play guitar to keep her spirits up. ricky always took an interest in this and loved listening to her play him his favorite songs in the final years of her life

she ended up passing away before she could see ricky enter his teenage years. in their shared grief he and his father bonded and had a better relationship for a short period, before long he was back to his old tricks again never coming home & ricky had to basically raise himself for a little while, before finally he ended up in the foster care system for the remainder of his teen years

this is where he taught himself how to play the bass guitar his mom had left behind for him, as well as singing and songwriting.  he quickly realized why she found such escapism in music. 

he was a bit of a ‘bad boy’ archetype at school, who was constantly getting into fights etc but would show a softer side to the other outcast kids, especially the other musicians

foster care is also where he manifested a lot of resentment, anger & hostility after everything he had gone through. he kinda felt like life had dealt him such a shitty hand, and he had so many abandonment issues due to his father’s ways. he struggled to bond with any of his foster families and basically hopped around homes for years, still mourning his mom & acting out as a coping mechanism

so pretty much the second he turned eighteen and could leave foster care he got the hell out of town and headed downstate to new york city with pretty much nothing to his name, telling himself he was off to pursuit a career as a solo musician. he wandered around a bit, going about his life as somewhat of a vagabond living out of cheap motels whilst he struggled to settle. 

after a few years spent working shitty 9-5 jobs and almost ending up homeless multiple times, he figured it was time to admit defeat and head back home, as his dreams of becoming a musician hadn’t really took off. he returned to his hometown & found that an old classmate from high school had been advertising around town, for a bassist for his band. it seemed like the perfect opportunity, and ricky jumped on board.

before he could even process it, the band were moving to LA to chase their dreams of making it big. after performing in bars & underground venues, they landed themselves a record deal with cadence

ricky LOVES the fame. he’s finally getting the love, adoration & attention he lacked in his life after his mom died. he’s living the rockstar lifestyle, having fun, and doing whatever he can to feel fulfilled and numb the pain and lasting scars left by his past — which by the way, he’d rather die than open up about.

PERSONALITY

so as is mentioned, the whole thing with his past has made him grow extremely resentful as a person and he has a lot of pent up issues that he bottles up. this makes him extremely stand-offish, short fused, arrogant etc? but the better someone gets to know him the more they’ll see a softer side to him. he’s a complex, multi-dimensional and very guarded person

he’s FIERCELY loyal and will protect his friends at all costs ( yes surprisingly he does have friends ) he’s prepared to fight someone if they’ve done something to hurt his friends

hes a really social guy despite the fact he can be quite intimidating. if you’re not on his bad side he’ll be completely fine with you, like? the main thing that’d get someone onto his bad side would be if they just assumed he was an asshole based on his initial demeanor, without getting to know him

Closed Off Emotionally™ - he basically put up a huge wall so that nobody can see how much the abandonment from his past has got to him but there’s definitely a kinder, damaged boy beneath who just needs time tbh

he lives his life pretty carelessly bc he kinda cant resist the whole idea of a rockstar lifestyle. very reckless i know but can you blame him? the issues of his past are still very much there so he tries to numb the pain in any way he can by drinking and taking drugs tbh, which he knows is unhealthy & he’s trying to stop

actually pretty funny when he wants to be

really competitive

a bicon

when given reason, he can care so deeply about people. it’s so hard for them to see it because of the way he is, but a dead give-away is that if he really cares about someone he will never lie to them. ever

he’s basically just very intense if you couldnt tell already

[emerald-eyes-8917]

Mend this Porcelain Heart of Mine

So this is a prompt fill for a wonderful anon who asked for a fic where the reader is coming out of an abusive relationship.

I hope you enjoy this and I do hope you are in a better place, dear friend.

This will be cross-posted as always to AO3 so please feel free to head over and give this a kudos or a comment.

Title: Mend this Porcelain Heart of Mine

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Domestic abuse, emotional abuse, some verbal abuse, and mention of an eating disorder.  Please take care if these are triggers for you.

Broken heart one more time Pick yourself up Why even cry? Broken pieces in your hands Wonder how you'll make it whole

You know you pray This can't be the way You cry, you say Something's got to change And mend this porcelain heart of mine...

There could only be so many cracks in a porcelain figure that cannot be repaired, the pain remaining the same.

It would take just one more slap, one more kick, one more vicious insult for her to shatter into a million pieces.  It had taken hollow words, tearful apologies and countless soft caresses to tape over those broken parts of her, over and over again.

He would go too far one day, when he would not hold back, when he would unleash the strength of his hatred upon her and her life may come to a singular, violent end.

He had beaten her before, when he was not happy with the meals she cooked or if she had been on the phone to friends, or if she passed in front of the television when he was watching sports.  Every little thing she did or said was picked apart until she was almost afraid to breathe for fear of provoking him.

She could never eat in front of him, for she chewed too loud and needed to lose weight anyway, in his mind, so she believed him, often going to bed hungry and skipping meals to try and conform to the ideals of beauty that he wanted.  

He was close to convincing her to quit her job so she could stay at home and he could focus on his own career, that her place was in the home and that she belonged to him and only him.  It had come to a point where she did not even look up while they were out with the constant fear of meeting another man's eyes and be accused of wanting to cheat on him.

He would constantly check her phone, accuse her of deleting messages, and stalk her social media pages to make sure that she would not even like photos or posts from other male friends.

One night, he had pressed her phone so hard against the side of her head that the bones in her ear were thrumming for hours after launching into a tirade about a supposed conversation she had with a colleague from work, his hand yanking sharply at her hair to punctuate his meaning, "You're so fucking sly.  I know your game, you little slut.  You were talking to him again, weren't you?  I know your expressions, you can't hide a goddamn thing from me, you little bitch.  Next time, I won't be so kind.  I'll break every fucking bone in your body, you understand?"

All she could do was whimper, "Yes, Jake."

What followed was a swift backhand and she had fallen to the ground.  "Now stay down there where you belong.  You're nothing without me, and it's about time you realised that."

It would be so easy just to take such things, to accept them as the truth.  It would be so easy to just believe him, that she was nothing, and that she had been flirting with her eyes all the time, that she gave out this vibe that she was going to sleep with every man she came into contact with.  It would be so easy to starve herself, to make herself ill, just to fit into that impossible mould of feminine beauty that did not even exist.  It would be so easy to distrust her own mind that was screaming that he was wrong, that she did everything for him, had given up so much for him and yet it was never enough.

It would be so easy to just let him murder her...

"No one misses you.  No one even looks for you at those fucking parties you like so much.  No one would miss you at work.  Just look at the state of you, with no fucking talent.  I'm the only person who knows what you're worth.  You're nothing without me..."

Nothing... nothing... nothing...

But tonight, when he had lunged at her in a drunken rage, hands reaching for her throat, calling her a cheating whore, that the man whose music she had been listening to was a lowlife bastard with a stupid band and no talent, that the decision flooded to life like a switch being flicked, bringing reason back to her beaten, downtrodden mind.

I don't have to take this...

I can fight this...

I am not nothing...

I have to run...

I have to live...

The momentum of her moving away just out of his reach almost sends her falling backwards, but in a surprising agile move, she had turned away from him immediately, the flight instinct kicking in strongly, knocking over a standing lamp to make an extra obstacle for him to traverse, dashing for the apartment door, having some sense to grab her car keys and phone from the hall table, her hands slick with sweat almost sliding off the door knob.

In a moment of sheer panic, she almost thought she was trapped when his heavy footsteps advanced towards her, but a single turn and she had thrust herself out into the corridor, running as fast as she can for the stairwell, not even daring to look back, his voice echoing after her, "Get the fuck back here!  Get back here, you little bitch!  You're mine!  Get back here, right now!"

She almost trips over her own feet as she descends the four flights to the ground floor, racing with all speed to her car, hands shaking so much that she almost drops the keys, opening the door and sitting in, turning the ignition on.

All the while, she looks in the rearview mirror to check that she hadn't been pursued, the icy fear that he could very well catch her and drag her back inside ever present.

The car engine roars to life and she pulls out rather recklessly out of the complex parking lot, not even paying attention to the speed limit or the direction she was taking until she was certain that he had not followed her.

It is at least ten minutes before she is even calm enough to think clearly, tears streaming down her cheeks, as the next gas station comes into view on the long, deserted road like a welcome beacon.

Slowly, she turns the car into the small parking lot round the back, switching the engine off and sitting still for a long moment where the only sound was her laboured breathing, before she covers her face and gives into the utter despair and shock that she had escaped her abuser with her life.

Her phone lies on the passenger seat, the screen coming to life with messages, one after another, all commanding her to come back, that they could talk, work it out.

But she knew there was no turning back.  If she even set foot in that apartment again, he would either take her in again with more meaningless apologies, or he would wring her neck and leave her for dead.

Never before had she felt so alone, having not confided in any of her friends, having been completely cut off from those she cared for, both in work and in her personal life.  Jake had skilfully weaved a complex web of lies that made her believe that she did not need her friends, that she only needed him.  It had been a devious manipulation from the beginning where she was nonethewiser, having been so in love and hardly believing that a man like Jake would never notice a girl like her.

The man he had accused her of having an affair with the most often, and whose cover album she had been listening to that night had been one of the few friends she had done her utmost to stay in touch with, despite Jake's best efforts to keep them separated.  

If she lost everything else in her life, she could not lose her friendship with Danny.

Sweet, kind, steadfast Danny...

Her thoughts come to a singular focus now on him, and her heart begins to ache painfully, knowing that he was her only hope now.  His kindness and warm caring had been her touchstones through the violence and mental anguish, where she would listen to one of the more quiet tracks from 'Under the Covers', hear his voice and instantly begin to remember how to breathe again.

She had not told him anything about the abuse, or what Jake had been accusing her of pertaining specifically to him, but now she felt that it was time to reach out to Dan, because she needed him so badly.

It was just after nine in the evening as she sat in the gas station parking lot, darting frantic looks as any other car passes by, dialling his number with shaking fingers, listening to the steady ringing sound before he picks up, "Hello?"

All of a sudden, at the sound of his greeting, the gentle cadence of his voice that was a literal godsend, she cannot speak.

"Hello?"

All she can manage is a hitched intake of air.

"Hey... it's you, isn't it?  Are you okay?  What's wrong?"

His name is a rushed exhale, voice cracking and tremulous on those two syllables, "Danny..."

"Yeah, I'm here.  I'm here... tell me what's wrong, you sound... I've never heard you like this, ever."

Vision swimming with tears, she mumbles, "I... I... he tried to... I had to... he wanted to kill me, and I... I couldn't..."

A sharpness rises in his tone, mixed with urgency, "Woah, woah, slow down.  Who wanted to kill you?  What is going on?"

"Jake... he... he wanted to hurt me again... he nearly attacked me, I had to run, I had to get away... and now I'm here in my car and I am so frightened and I just... I just... I don't know what to do... I don't know where to go, I'm just stuck and I can't... I can't..."

Dan's voice becomes quite loud, "Oh my God... are you hurt?  Did you say you're in your car?  Is he still there?  Where are you?"

She manages to breathe quite deeply, doing her utmost to remain calm and not cause him any undue worry, "No, no, I'm fine.  He almost grabbed me and I don't know what he would have done.  I just ran away, got to my car and just drove as fast and as far away as I could.  I'm behind a gas station miles away, he didn't follow me.  I had to leave, he was going to kill me... I can't... I can't... please... please, help me, Danny, please..."

"Slow down, slow down.  Listen, just take a deep breath.  Just breathe, you're okay.  Let me think for a second..."

She can hear Dan's footsteps, as if he was pacing about and she can only imagine how agitated he was and it was all her fault.  She just had to drag him into this, she couldn't have just gone on alone...

She does as he asks, leaning forward until her forehead is resting on the steering wheel, willing her brain to stop firing on all cylinders, to be calm and to let Dan help her rather than become hysterical.

"Where are you?"

On the drive, she had not paid any attention to roadsigns or any landmarks, so she admits quietly, "I don't know, I just kept driving.  A few miles from the apartment, I think?"

"Stay there, let me come to you."

The guilt floods her in a rush, "No, please.  I can't have you coming out in the middle of the night."

"I'm already out the door, so I'm doing this."

She sniffs, wiping her cheek with her sleeve, "Okay..."

"Send me a Google maps or one of those map pin things to let me know where you are.  Don't get out of your car until you see me, okay?"

"Okay, I'll do that."

"I'll be there as soon as I can, sweetheart, okay?  I'm on my way, I'll be right with you.  Stay in your car, I'm on the way."

She can only manage one more 'Okay' before she has to hang up, quickly dropping a location pin on Google maps and sending it to him, clutching her phone tight like a lifeline and praying for him to get to her soon.

Twenty minutes later...

The headlights of an approaching car make her freeze, having been a tightly coiled spring ever since ending the previous phonecall, but as soon as they are switched off and the driver exits, the wild halo of curls and tall, lean figure are unmistakeable.

He steps towards the car, ducking down slightly to peer through the windscreen at her, his eyes wide and his lips mouthing her name.

Her movements are almost in slow motion as she pushes open her own door, stepping out and saying his name with such desperation, "/Danny/..."

She does not make it three steps before he sprints over to her, arms open wide and catches her in a strong, clumsy hug as all her strength fails and she sags against him, clinging on as if her very life depended upon it.

Luckily, they are close to a side wall of the gas station as he leans back and slightly to the left, lowering himself down to the ground, holding her against him, rocking her gently and murmuring her name over and over.

"You're safe... you're safe... no one is going to hurt you... you're safe, sweetheart... I'm here, ssshhhh..."

Her sobs are loud and unrestrained as she buries her face in his chest, pouring out all the pain that she had endured for so long, hands trying to find purchase in the material of his jacket, needing his stability, his comfort, this safe haven.

After several minutes of weeping and having Dan gently stroke down her hair, when she quietens down, she allows Dan to help her to her feet, and she leans against him as they walk to his car.

As they pull up in front of Dan's house, her phone had not stopped vibrating with missed calls and messages, which they both elected to not acknowledge.

He reaches for her phone and decisively switches it off, throwing it rather sharply into the glove compartment and shutting it with a snap that makes her jump.

He immediately looks over at her with a sorrowful expression, "Shit... sorry.  I didn't mean to scare you..."

"No, it's okay."  Her heart thumping loudly in her ears told a different story but she attempts to give him a smile, despite her prickling nerves.

"I just... he wouldn't leave you alone and it pissed me off... sorry..."  Resting his head back against the seat, he breathes slowly, eyes shut.

The silence becomes quite awkward now as she stares downwards, wringing her hands, clenching tightly and untwisting her fingers, feeling utter shame at how low she had come to before realising that she could have just left him.

She hears Dan whisper her name and she looks over with large eyes glimmering with unshed tears, "Let's get inside, okay?"

Nodding, she opens the passenger door, following him with her head bowed, looking back over her shoulder with still some measure of paranoia, that somehow Jake could track her phone or her smell like a bloodhound, that he would find her and drag her back.

She manages to keep all that worry well hidden as Dan leads her into his house with one hand on her back, locking the door and sliding the security chain across.

"There.  No one is getting in here."

She nods, that small measure of relief quite strong.

"Take a seat, make yourself at home."

He gestures to the sitting room and she makes her way to the sofa, sitting on the edge, fiddling with her sleeves, doing her best to breathe steadily, that lingering fear still present despite being in Dan's home where she was safe.

After a few minutes, Dan returns from the kitchen with a plate and a mug in hand, setting them down in front of her on the coffee table.

She glances over, and notices that it is a grilled cheese sandwich cut into four triangles, a knife and fork beside it and the mug is filled with tea.

"There wasn't much in my fridge, I just whipped up what I could, but grilled cheese is always a winner in my book."

Dan sits beside her with a soft smile, tucking one leg under his knee and resting his elbow on the back of the sofa, but still keeping a small space between them.

Instantly, her mind goes into overdrive about calorie content and not being able to exercise to burn the fat, but her exterior is quite calm.  She smiles, saying politely, "Thank you, but I'm not hungry, I'm sorry you went to this trouble."

Dan tips his head to one side, giving her a firm look, "I heard your stomach growl on the way over."

"Still... I'm not hungry."

He was being so kind, but she didn't deserve it.  She had already brought him out in the middle of the night and now she was going to eat his food.  She didn't deserve it...

Dan frowns, "You've had a shock, you have been running on adrenaline all night and you need to keep your strength up."

She is close to snapping at him, restraining herself to say in a tight voice, "I told you that I'm not hungry."

She did not want to have this argument, to make up an excuse that she had no appetite when she was actually starving, that if he had a piece of fruit that she would prefer it instead, having gone without dinner to reach Jake's goal weight to be finally deemed perfect in his eyes.

But she knew deep down that even a healthy choice would fill her with guilt, so low had her self esteem become.

Dan blinks quite fast, his voice cracking, "You look so pale and you're shaking.  Please... why won't you eat?"

"I don't want to be fat."

The words spoken in a rushed whisper hang in the air and the shock on Dan's face cuts deeper than any blade.

He shakes his head several times, saying so softly, "Listen to me... you are not going to be fat.  You need to be healthy and not become ill.  You can't hurt yourself this way..."

Dipping her head, white hot shame coursing through her, she smothers a whimper, knowing that he was right, but she just couldn't bring herself to even look at the sandwich on the plate, the fear of weight gain hanging over her like the sword of Damocles.

There is a clink of cutlery against the plate and she brings herself to look up again, watching as Dan cuts a small section of one of the triangles, putting it on the fork and raising it up between them.

"Please... just one piece?  For me, please?"

His eyes are soulful, full of tears and the fact that he had to beg her to eat was more than she could bear.

Obediently, after much mental anguish, she manages to lean forward, opening her mouth with great reluctance, and he gently feeds her the piece of the sandwich, tilting her chin up with his index finger as he lifts the fork out and away from her mouth.

That simple contact almost made her tremble, but she does not let on.

She chews slowly, feeling the crunchy and soft textures along with the firework explosion of flavour on her tongue as she swallows thickly, the food making its way into her empty stomach and she lets out a contented sigh as Dan visibly brightens with relief.

"Better?"

"Yes... I will eat the rest.  You were right, I am really hungry... I'm sorry for lying..."

"Don't apologise, it's okay.  Just don't make yourself sick."

"I won't.  Thank you..."

Dan nods, standing up and making his way back to the kitchen in order to give her some privacy, for which she was extremely grateful.

Picking up the knife and fork, she cuts the rest of the sandwich up and eats it slowly, despite wanting to cram it all into her mouth, humming in pleasure, almost embarassed at reacting in such a way, since it was only an ordinary grilled cheese sandwich and not a gourmet meal.  

But the fact that Dan had made it, that he had wanted to make her strong again after he being so beaten down, it filled her up with energy and nourishment on so many levels.

She takes several large swallows of tea, not even caring to ask if he had put sugar or skimmed milk in it, only wanting to drink it down.

Feeling warm and pleasantly full, she allows herself to lie down on the sofa with a cushion beneath her head, sense beginning to unwind, sleep creeping into slowly but surely.

She hears Dan's footsteps approaching, and he leans down, saying quietly, "Tired?"

"Yeah..."

"Come on, you can sleep in my bed tonight."

This was too much.  He had rescued her in the middle of nowhere, made her food and now he was offering her his bed.

"Dan..."

"I insist.  My house, my rules.  You deserve a good rest and my bed happens to be super comfortable and comically large."

Not having the strength to argue, she nods in silent agreement, following him to the bedroom, pushing any wayward romantic thoughts from her mind.

"You can borrow a shirt if you want, just so you're not sleeping in your clothes.  I know how uncomfortable that can be sometimes."

"Okay, thank you."

Searching through his drawers, she comes across a 'Rush' band t-shirt that she had admired previously, which had been her first introduction to the band he loved so much, remembering when he had made her a playlist of his favourite songs, which was quite lengthy and had been the greatest solace during Jake's torrent of abuse apart from his own music.

The shirt is like a dress on her and that feeling of safety is increased even more.

There is a quiet knocking at the door, followed by Dan asking through the door, "You okay?"

She hurriedly folds her clothes and goes over the the bed, getting under the covers, and lying on her side, facing the door, calling out, "Yes, I'm fine."

"Is it okay if I come in?"

"Yes."

Dan peeks his head in the door, "You were able to find something?"

She nods, pushing the blankets down a little bit and he chuckles as he recognises the logo, "Good choice."

A pause.

"So... I'll just say goodnight."

Disappointment floods her suddenly, and she inquires quite innocently, "You're not sleeping in here?"

"No, the couch will be fine."

Raising an eyebrow, she raises herself up onto one elbow, "Dan, you are hardly going to fit on that couch.  I know you are tall."

Dan looks aghast, "I'm... tall?  Say it isn't so."

Shaking her head with a smile, she says quite softly, "I've imposed enough on you.  I am not depriving you of this large bed or a good night's sleep.  I'd feel bad..."

Dan huffs a sigh, "Well... I didn't want to... like, make you uncomfortable, and I thought that you maybe wanted to have some space, that's all.  But... you'd like to share the bed?"

Rather than giving him a word answer, she shifts back until there is enough space for him to lie down in front of her, stretching her arm across the mattress and patting the space several times, with no hint of longing or flirtation, only a want for him to sleep comfortably.

Dan gives in with a quiet chuckle, "I'll just get the lights."

Turning over onto her opposite side, her back to him now, she closes her eyes just as the lights are flicked off, listening to the sound of rustling clothing and shoes being discarded, feeling the mattress dip slightly as Dan crawls into bed behind her, lifting the blankets and getting under the covers with her.

Still, she does not move, very aware of her own breathing and pulse thundering in her ears.

"I... I tend to sleep with my shirt off... good old California weather, but I can put something on, if you..."

"No, it's fine... it's pretty warm this time of year."

"Okay.  Well... goodnight."

"Goodnight."

A pause.

She hears Dan say her name once again and she makes a quiet sound of inquiry, "Just one last thing, that I sometimes toss and turn in my sleep, so if I am moving too much, just nudge me and I'll stop."

"Okay."

A pause.

"Dan?"

"Yeah?"

Grateful for the darkness so he cannot see her obvious blushing, she asks shyly, "Can we... I mean... I'd like to hold your hand..."

"My hand?"

"Yeah... just to know that you're there."

Way to sound so pathetic...

"Sure... just let me... I'm just going to move up behind you... and put my arm around you..."

His arm comes around her waist, his hand coming to rest lightly on her belly, the warmth radiating outwards from his palm that makes her shudder pleasantly as he holds her securely against his chest, stretching out so they can easily spoon together.

Tentatively, she covers his hand, sliding her fingers in between his and holding as tight as she could, his fingers curling inwards in response.

Her eyes flutter closed as he presses a light kiss to her hair, just above her temple, his breathing stirring the strands close to her ear, before he begins a gentle humming of a melody that she cannot place, but is not unlike a soft lullaby.

Just let me stay here... let me stay here with you, please... please, just let me stay...

More than anything, she wanted to look into his eyes, to lose herself in them, and tell him everything that she had been too afraid to even express in a phonecall or a text, when her abusive partner had threatened to break her phone if she ever spoke to him.

But Jake wasn't here anymore.  She was with Danny, and all was right in the world.

Carefully turning over in his arms until she is laying on her back, she gazes up at Dan, finding that their faces were much closer together than she had predicted, and his hitched breath gusts against her lips as their eyes meet, even in the dark of the bedroom, she knows without question that he was looking straight at her.

Without even thinking, she inclines her head upwards those last few inches to gently kiss the corner of his mouth, wanting in some small way to thank him for everything he had done tonight that she could not express in mere words.

Before she can move her head back down again, Dan has turned his face more towards her and their lips brush together featherly light, the sensation making her heart knock loudly in her ears while Dan shifts closer, their legs sliding against each other as he presses along the entire length of her body, wrapping her up in his embrace and the tangle of blankets, nuzzling her nose with a quiet murmur, "You're so beautiful..."

Not giving her a chance to reply, he has leaned down for a soft kiss, catching her lower lip and making her back arch with a needy sound, tilting his head and pecking her lips gently once again, dotting kisses across her cheeks and her nose before gently kissing her once more, still so softly.

Not simply content to just lie there, she slowly slides her hand up the side of his neck, weaving her fingers through the soft, thick curls, cupping his cheek and responding with shy eagerness.

When they draw apart from air, Dan lets out a breathless chuckle, "Wow... that was... wow."

She cannot help but giggle at his lack of vocabulary, hardly blaming him as her own mind was still cloudy after such sweet kisses, still playing with his hair while looking up at him with doe eyes.

"You're okay?"

"Yes... more than okay, now."

"Good.  I don't want to rush things, like... you've had a fucking terrible time and you need to be taken care of, and I want to do that for you.  I mean, if that's what you want?"

Swallowing thickly past the lump in her throat, she manages to whisper, "That's all I want.  I just want you..."

Dan appears to be quite moved at this, raising his hands to gently cup her face, holding her in place so they can keep that steady, intense eye contact, "I'm here, if you need me.  Tonight and for as long as you need, okay?  I'll take care of you however you want and nothing is going to change that."

"You promise?"  Her voice cracks with emotion, as Dan leans down to kiss her lips, murmuring, "I promise, baby... I promise..."

Leaning their foreheads together, he says gently, "I think we should sleep now.  You've had a long night."

As much as she wanted to stay up all night with him, she lets out a quiet yawn, rubbing her eyes.  "Okay..."

"I'll be right here beside you, okay, sweetheart?"

"Okay... thank you."

"No problem.  Just rest now.  I've got you and you're safe."

The thought that she loved him crossed her mind, but remained unspoken for now, even as he returned to spooning her, nuzzling his face into her neck after giving her one last kiss goodnight, their hands finding each other and dovetailing together.

This must be what a safe haven felt like: she never thought it could ever exist again for her, but here it was in his arms, loving her back to life.

[macabre-megan]

It’s been awhile...

It’s been awhile since I’ve really used my tumblr account. I pop on every now and then to scroll through stuff, but I really haven’t been active in....a couple years? I feel the need to ramble a bit and right now this seems to be the best place to do it. So here is my venting. I have rambled about it a million times to people, but being able to get everything out in one go just seems therapeutic to me right now. So here we go... the past two years have been strange to say the least. Both involved lots of weird shit, but this past year was hell. It is the year I learned what it’s like to be passed around and ignored by doctors and other healthcare personnel. Back in May I began developing a weird pain in my right upper abdomen. It started one day out of the blue and progressed over a week and got stronger and more intense. I also began to feel chronically nauseous. That’s when my whole life was put on pause. First my gallbladder and appendix were checked out. Everything came back normal. Then my stomach. I was given extra strength ant acids and told to watch my diet and that I’d probably feel better in a few weeks. I began to feel worse. I fought with my own primary doctor to refer me to a gastroenterologist, she finally agreed and I had an endoscopy done. Everything from that was normal. I was growing increasingly concerned because no matter what I was still in near constant pain and could barely eat due to nausea. By the end of summer, I had been to the ER 3 times, had 4 CT scans, and endoscopy, every other GI imaging test that was available, only one ultrasound, and all with normal results. I grew frustrated because scans revealed a kidney stone and a small ovarian cyst, neither of which i was informed about. I was angry because I began to hear eyes rolling when I called my doctors office with concerns and bringing up that I was still in a lot of pain and could barely eat. I basically was at a point of giving up trying to figure anything out after my 3rd ER visit in august....when I was told nothing was wrong and that I should follow up with my “psychiatrist.” While this was going on, my manager at work luckily believed me and was on my side. Which was good because a couple co workers decided I wasn't really sick and was clearly faking it. Or that I was just going out and getting drunk every weekend, then complaining about being sick at work. I began to trust them less and less. I stopped talking about my personal life at work and began just hiding my pain from them all. Even the ones who weren’t causing problems. I just couldn’t deal with the drama that came out of nowhere and that had no reason to it ( it literally felt like I was in high school or some shit. I knew the specific people were constantly whispering behind my back and I could feel the vibes in the air. especially on days where I was really hurting and couldn’t do much more than sit at the computer and do clerical work) But my manager suggested things I hadn’t thought of because of the location of my pain. She mentioned ovarian cysts and endometriosis. I was skeptical at first, but when I kept running into dead ends, I looked into things more. That’s when I started keeping better track of when my pain was worse and what accompanied it during those periods of time. She mentioned my symptoms to a couple of the pathologists we work with (I work in the histology department in a hospital laboratory, as a lab technician/histotechnician and diener) and they both said it was very possible that endometriosis was the culprit. My doctor didn’t agree and chose to not look further into my pain, saying it was probably somehow a muscular thing and basically just completely wrote me off. Jump forward to the end of September.....I was having a horrid couple days of pain. I came into work and could barely stand up straight due to my lower back and abdomen hurting so much. I couldn’t lift anything, the fact that I even got to work that day was a miracle. My manager was not working, so I didnt really have a safety net either. I was told there was an autopsy that no one else could cover so I would have to assist. I began crying. Just flat out bawling. I couldn’t hold it back. I was told to just do what I could and let Dr. T. (the pathologist who does all the autopsies and has worked there for a super long time and was the head of the pathology department and lab director up until he partially retired recently) know what was happening. I still couldn’t hold back tears and began crying in his office trying to explain that I was in too much pain. He told me everything was okay, he told me to not worry about the case. He felt so terrible and I felt awful for making a scene because it was the last thing I wanted to do especially with the on going scrutiny from my co workers. He said something along the lines of “I’m going to make a phone call for you. I will talk to you after I’m done with the case. You will hear back from me and I’ll let you know what to do. Just hang tight.” He got me in that same day to see the top gynecological surgeons in the area. The doctor who specializes in fertility problems and reproductive disorders. I still to this day can’t thank Dr. T enough for that phone call. Every time he asks about progress or anything involving stuff with that doctor, I tell him how much I appreciate what he did. That day I went home with an unofficial diagnosis of endometriosis and was told surgery would be the best option due to how extreme my symptoms where. I agreed. I didn’t question it. I wanted a definite answer and I wanted this shit gone from inside me. I was desperate. Now fast forward to last Thursday (January 11th). I went in at 9 am for a diagnostic laparoscopy. I had so many fears....that they wouldn’t find anything....that things would be worse and they would have to take more out....that I’d lose my uterus or some other extreme situation. When I woke up from surgery.....when I was taken to the recovery room and wheeled in to see the faces of my husband and mom, I heard the most relieving thing in the world. They found endometriosis. They found it scattered right around where all my pain was. It was removed. I had an official diagnosis and a name to put to what has made my life a living hell for nearly a year. My appendix was also removed, along with an abnormal lymph node. It seems weird to be so happy about it, endometriosis is a chronic disease and it can very likely come back any time. Surgery is not a cure......there is no cure. I now am labeled with this for life and everything from here on out is anything to try and suppress the tissue from growing back and managing any symptoms that pop back up. And it is possible that I may have to have surgery again at some point in life. It’s hard to predict. But I have an answer. I have a reason for why I was in so much pain. Why I felt so awful all the time. I have an answer. I no longer feel like I’m crazy and I can look doctors right in the eye and prove to them it’s not all in my head. I have a endometriosis. I have a chronic illness. It took just about a year to be listened to and diagnosed. I missed out on so much. Slept so much. A lot of strain was put on my marriage and on friendships because I just couldn’t do the things I used to do. I came close to giving up so many times. The frustration, anger, tears, arguments, loneliness, pain, depression, doubt......here I am on the other end. Still recovering from surgery, but I’m optimistic and filled with just so much relief, I can’t stress that enough. This experience has been a roller coaster.....and it felt like I was never going to be able to get off of it. I have Endometriosis. I have a chronic illness....