#like some people are on polar opposite sides where they have no empathy for the passengers and have moved on

[prideprejudce]

this whole oceangate submarine fiasco has actually led to a lot of interesting talks and debates about the grey area of human empathy vs the inclination to recoil at the bizarre behaviors of the ultra wealthy and how people struggle with both ideas and is actually very interesting to watch play out in different types of people

[sylvies-chen]

after seeing a tweet about season 2 coming out I thought now would be a good time start The Bear to fulfill my need to have seen every single show in existence! I’ve only seen the first 5 episodes so far but here are my thoughts:

it seems everyone in this show except marcus (he’s just in the corner perfecting his lil donuts!! leave him in peace!!) teeters so beautifully on being absolutely detestable. some *cough cough richie cough cough* do venture into unlikeable territory but then when they do, the writers bring in a scene that instantly gives them an extra layer and shifts you towards empathy. it’s a really delicate balance but so far it’s working for me!

this is, at its core, a show about how to go about taking pieces of something broken and turning them into something better and beautiful, revamping it without discarding its true nature— and this is true in both the inwards sense, relating to carmy’s (and sugar’s and richie’s) grief and mental health in learning how to move on from a tragic loss but not forget your past pain, and then in the outwards sense as well regarding to the restaurant and the Chicago community, how to make a successful restaurant without forgetting the people they serve, how to not be a gunslingin’ dive but also not a gentrifying posh joint.

speaking of that internal turmoil though, I’m absolutely lovinggggg the bear motif and it fits perfectly with this idea! it’s like carmy has so much bottled up inside him, both good and bad, like his passion to change the restaurant mikey left him but also his pain and grief and sorrow, and him trying to let the bear out of the cage and slowly tame it or control it in his dreams is very reminiscent of someone trying to get a hold on their own psyche. but it’s like. no dude. you gotta let it all out, let it go wild! both the pain and the ambition! it will let you be more loving, be healed, and be a better leader! gosh, it’s so so good.

JON BERNTHAL IS IN THIS?? Oh wait I think I vaguely remember @levijeanqueen watching this show just to see Jon Bernthal on her screen. sky babe this is me formally saying that I should have followed in your footsteps sooner omg I love this

richie gives me whiplash because he starts crying about his kid and I wanna give him a hug and tell him he’s a good dad but then he yells at syd and I get filled with rage and then he calls the cops on the mobsters when someone else solves the problem he couldn’t because he can’t stand not being needed and then anti-hero by taylor swift starts playing in my head because it’s him hi he’s the problem and what do you mean he accidentally drugged children with xanex i-

sydney is my GIRL y’all!! she has such a passionate, eager spirit about her that she can’t hold in and yet she also lacks confidence in a lot of ways and like. she is me!! I am her!! I kin this woman so hard. (that’s actually my first time using that word I hope I did it right lol). I’m so obsessed with everything she does, I can’t wait to see her grow and evolve as a chef, and to gain more confidence! also I need to learn more about her backstory right tf now like what was that catering business?? what’s her family like??

I don’t know where people are shipwise with this show?? it’s not a show that offers a lot of substantial material on that front but shipping is so much more fun when you have zero expectations and can kind of just go with the flow and take your own creative liberties so I like having fun with it. anyways I definitely feel a certain vibe with carmy and sydney but also marcus is so outwardly sweet to her when no one else is so I’m not mad about that either.

I think carmy and syd are like… two side of the same coin? they’re not the most alike but they’re not polar opposites either, they’re very much foils of each other and they each are the parts of the other that the other wishes they were. like sydney very openly wants to be skilled like carmy (she’s skilled on her own ways though might I add) and be a fearless chef and innovator, and carmy I think less-openly wishes he was like sydney: new, fresh, eager, not beaten down by the verbal degradation of high-end culinary culture, hopeful about the world and creative. I really like that sort of connection between two characters, it kind of alludes to a deeper idea that this bond was meant to be in a way? their chemistry is fucking fire too like wow

but then there’s marcus and sydney, which I think is cute because marcus has that sort of fun experimental eager green energy that sydney has and that many others (like tina and richie) have discarded or snuffed out, so I think he could be like a nice bright spot for sydney. idk. I need to know like a million more things about her character as well, she deserves all the screentime in the world. but in the meantime I’m just chilling, enjoying the little itty bitty crumbs that let me have my fun lol

anyways I’m sorry if that was too long for you lovely folks but I hope it was a worthy interruption to your regularly scheduled tumblr scrolling because I really love this show and I can’t wait to finish these last two episodes before moving on to this new season!!

[fishy-xp]

"kissing is for people we like only" (1/2)

in which pete loves and vegas lusts

so a lot of people think that the vegaspete dynamic is interesting because they are in fact polar opposites of each other, but in ways that they make up for what the other lacks. that they are two sides of the same coin. i also think this, particularly in the way vegas and pete approach love, lust and intimacy.

pete loves unconditionally and pete loves hard. pete will do anything for the people he loves and it doesn't take much for pete to get attached. take his relationship with porsche. pete is very much a giver in that relationship - pete shares grandma's cooking with porsche, he guides porsche around and tells him about the main family, he comforted porsche after the whole dub-con thing, he gives porsche defensive tips when porsche was getting 'punished' by kinn (oh you dumb sweet boy). now i'm not saying porsche does nothing in return, but they don't show porsche reciprocating this kind of care, comfort and advice that pete gives. so from the audience perspective, porsche hasn't done anything of substance to gain pete's trust and loyalty. hell, they even pointed guns at each other and had a little dungeon dalliance. yet pete knows porsche is a good person and trusts him so much to the point he asks to be sent on a suicide mission. he knows the consequences if he gets caught and he's completely willing to go through a painful, slow, tortourous death for porsche.

pete himself is incredibly strong and capable. his mentality and physicality is nothing to underestimate as proven by the way he handles vegas' torture and the many times he's kicked ass. but when it comes to people pete loves and cares about, his resolve disappears. as soon as vegas brings up his grandmother, pete breaks - "i give up vegas. i give up." pete loving people to the end of the earth is not a weakness, it only proves his strength, that yes he can find something in the worst people, in vegas, and he can find empathy and love for someone absolutely no one else can - "everyone has good and bad parts" - pete can see both parts of vegas when others don't even try, they just think it's non-existent.

here's where i think a lot of people are going to disagree, but pete is naive and innocent, especially when it comes to love. but this may be by choice. pete, who sees the world in shades of grey and doesn't believe in heroes or villains, believes in love as something pure and uncorruptable. he believes in this whole heartedly because maybe that gives him some sort of hope in this world he's come to know (the abusive family life and the underworld of the mafia). love is something he can control, it is his to give out and it is something valuable to pete. intimacy, touch, kissing, pete finds these things precious and pure. it gives him a sense of good amongst the bad. this is why he aims to spread more smiles than tears, if he can love, then he can ignore the pain. pete thinks the same for vegas too, and this is why when he's reading the blood type book he tells vegas "you need love", why he reinforces that vegas has macau "who loves you very much" (quote from the book and frankly, i'm livid they didn't make pete say that line but made him say the first half, also more macau character study coming up soon hohoo) because truly, deeply, pete believes in the power of love. perhaps that's why, despite being porsche's best friend, he was completely oblivious to kinn and porsche. pete only knew porsche was being punished, and he has seen kinn be mean to porsche, so the thought they were in a relationship or had something brewing amongst them didn't cross his mind at all because how could they have feelings together when kinn is mean? pete can't believe love is anything other than perfect because then he would have no reason to believe in the good along with the bad.

pete probably thinks his first time and virginity should be precious and 'right'.

but vegas doesn't, he doesn't even remember when his first was.

(p.s. i'd like to clarify that i am not saying either of those above perceptions about losing your virginity in a negative way, either perspective is completely valid and no one should be shamed for how they perceive their sexual autonomy!)

Vegas (2/2)

[alchemisoul]

"Hi, my name is Megan. And my heretical belief is that even the people who seem to be the worst, most destructive people in the world are human beings who deserve compassion and empathy. If we want to find a way to change their minds

I'm Megan Phelps-Roper, I grew up in the, Westboro Baptist Church and I've spent the last nine years writing and speaking about that upbringing, and what it has taught me about American public life today.

We believed that God hated gay people and people of any other religion, we literally believed that everybody outside of our church was was Hellbound. We thought that God had given us this unique access to the truth

We were so certain that we had the right answer about every topic and that everybody else was wrong. And we could marital all of the facts and evidence in support of those beliefs. But what that perspective always will miss is that there is a massive amount of information and experience outside of yours.

But the way that we think about it and talk about it is in these very stark black-and-white terms where the good side is obvious. And so this side is the evil. And we of course, whoever we are. We are always the good.

But we do not know everything.

And that kind of humility is kind of in short supply these days because we have we have these sides that have become so polarized that we define ourselves in opposition to one another. If one side believes this then it clearly must be wrong because they're wrong about everything else.

We are all living in some version of Westborough.

Things like celebrating death for instance you know Westborough regularly celebrated death and tragedy as the condign wrath of God, right? And it was deserved right?

You deserve this horrible thing that's happening to you because you are evil because you have the wrong beliefs because you've adopted the wrong positions. And you see this on Twitter now but it was also in this LA Times column recently:

"Is it ghoulish to celebrate the death of anti-vaxxers?"

"Yes, probably but it's still necessary"

Those kinds of sentiments are regularly now espoused all over Twitter. That kind of verbiage, the way that we think and talk about the other side. You know, thinking that they are either evil or stupid or delusional. That was absolutely how we did at Westborough.

It's disturbing.

Because once words cease to be useful in addressing conflict and coming to compromise, all you're left with is violence and seeing the rise of political violence in this country is disturbing.

And I think it's a tide that we should absolutely be trying to turn in the opposite direction. I think the most important lesson is that even people who seem to be horrible are humans, who will be better reached by kindness and generosity and compassion that didn't used to be controversial.

But now anything that has any call for civility is, is talked about as, if it's, as if I'm trying to excuse people for advocating for in defending bad ideas. When really, it's about being effective. So, even though it's difficult, if you want to change things, if you actually want to be effective, that is the way forward.

But also, sometimes we are the ones whose beliefs need to change. Sometimes like the people who like those of us who are like, so sure that we have the right answers and that we need to go to these people and we're going to change their minds by you know being you know, kind and empathetic.

Like, yes, that's part of the equation, but the other part of the equation is maybe they see something that you don't maybe. There's something in their perspective that should be changing yours."

[frenchiefan]

The Great Izzy Hands Divide

Hello all. I come to you a Izzy neutral, huge TV enjoyer with media studies background, here to try and answer the fandom’s polarizing, puzzling, and at time painful question of what is this Izzy divide? And how do we move on from it so we can all have fun, and everyone can feel safe. 

And not get viscous over whatever happens in season 2. 

As it’s clear-I’m writing anonymously because the tension has gotten-that intense and I’m earnestly afraid of backlash from both sides. That’s not to say EVERYONE in the OFMD twitter/tumblr fandom is part of this polarizing Izzy divide, but the discussions, discourses, pain, and attacks, have become so loud I believe most people-even a neutral person like myself have heard about them/seen them on our twitters/tumblrs. I love this show so much and have been in the online community since it aired in March, so a lot of this is based on my observations-and from what friends on each side have told me. For the sake of protecting everyone who has received online hate or are just trying to have fun in fandom-I won’t be listing any usernames, or quoting specific tweets/blog posts, but if you’re doubtful about any of my talking points you need only check Izzy tags on tumblr/twitter. 

My hope in this meta is to unpack what’s going on, where are these sides coming from, what do they seem to believe, and how can we collectively move forward no matter how we feel about Izzy to just have fun with an extremely inclusive, progressive, funny, romantic, and queer show that’s obviously meant very much to many of us in terms of representation. My biggest goal is making folks feel able to have fun in fandom spaces-and everyone to be a little kinder. 

So to start off-let me do my best to summarize what is going on for those who aren’t active on twitter/tumblr or are so deep on one side/in a corner they don’t see much discourse: 

In some pockets of the fandom there is a very heated schism over the character of Izzy Hands that goes beyond just ‘folks who dislike Izzy as a character’ and ‘folks who like Izzy as a character’. 

There are those who proclaim his character is inherently horrible and irredeemable and anyone who is a big fan of him must by proxy, be a horrible person too. For the sake of this analysis these are the “Izzy-haters”. The opposite side appears to be a group who really adore Izzy, and see him as a much softer and sympathetic antagonist/anti-hero and believe those who hate Izzy lack empathy or are very puritanical and are misreading his character. I’ll refer to them as the “Izzy-apologists”. 

So how did this come about? And why’s that worth writing meta on? Don’t all fandoms have character and ships wars and so on? Absolutely. But it’s gotten to the point some people are getting constantly harassed and doxed or people are afraid to even share thoughts or fan-made content about the show without fear of retaliation or being dragged into a divide. So where does this fall in the context of fandom? 

Whenever a character becomes a fan favorite, some of their fans look for ways to justify their actions, and/or ship them with numerous people. This happens in all fandoms. Look at Harry Potter (cringe I know, absolutely fuck JK Rowling, but I’m assuming it’s popular enough you all know the reference I will make here), back in its hay-day one of the most popular ships was with Harry and his constant bully/rival Draco-because Draco became such a fandom darling. This was called ‘slash’ shipping, to purposefully ship two characters together who were enemies/rivals/at odds in the media and it has remained very common in all fandoms. 

It’s not a bizarre phenomena for people to relate/find an antagonist sexy and want to put them in situations, especially if they get exciting romantic/sexual tension out of it. People can like villains/antagonists for many reasons: maybe it’s their confidence, their camp, their backstory is complex, or something as simple as their design is sexy. It’s not bizarre either, for fandom to develop characters with little to no backstory or fill in parts of their backstory that ‘fanon’ (fan content considered canon amongst a fandom) becomes so big it’s challenged between fans if someone rejects it-even if it has no canonical basis in the media itself. 

So Izzy fans (I say fans not apologists yet) began doing so, writing Izzy fic, making Izzy art, making Izzy/Ed backstories, so on and so forth. Typical fandom behavior. However as is also typical fandom behavior-some people don’t enjoy seeing some of those slash pairings, when the canonical interactions between those characters involved pain. So certain fans began making it clear they didn’t want to see it/disliked it. Others pointed out some Ed characterization in certain pieces of content could be slightly problematic in terms of racial stereotypes if it involved making Ed as consistently violent toward Izzy after canon implied Ed only resorted to violence toward him for having his life threatened. And again, as usual in fandom, a few overzealous folks can really stir the pot and make it worse for everyone. 

From what I observed: a few key ‘Izzy-haters’ popped up and began making the sweeping generalization that all big “Izzy fans” were racists and white, for liking Izzy in any capacity after he hurt his POC boss Ed. Some of those folks were big on twitter, and POC themselves, so their voices reached far-and well-lots of people wanting to be sure they didn’t get called racists themselves or accidently support something racist quickly joined in on these call-outs and the mounting generalizations regarding any sort of sympathetic Izzy content that diverged from canon. This generalizations became about the fans of Izzy themselves than just Izzy. 

Logically, for the Izzy fans who weren’t going to be shamed into dropping their favorite character, this led to them becoming very defensive of Izzy to defend themselves. Arguments came up that Izzy was actually harmless, Stede was just as bad as Izzy, or the other characters’ actions against Izzy were far worse and the show’s framing was wrong to cast him as ‘the worst’, ‘Izzy is fictional and it doesn’t matter-the show is itself is messily written so is anyone to criticize Izzy’. These folks became “Izzy-apologists”, who instead of just being fans of Izzy-would only be fans of Izzy if they could prove he was unproblematic. 

Things escalated and escalated with people getting intense on each side. An Izzy-apologist made a rape joke that went a mini-viral about wishing sexual assault on all people who hate Izzy. Some POC felt uncomfortable staying in fandom or going through main tags from some of the stereotyping HCs/content around characters of color shipped with Izzy. It bears noting though, the most extreme harm appears to have been done toward the Izzy fans group. There was an instance where doxing was attempted and potentially succeeded against an Izzy fan, with a bunch of their closest followers being threatened as well, leading a large major of Izzy fans  on twitter to become especially anxious, and turn even the most neutral person, or mild Izzy fan, into a stern Izzy-apologist out of fear that anyone who aligned themselves with “Izzy-haters” would commit the same kind of horrifyingly harmful behavior that could affect peoples’ off-line lives. And that if they couldn’t prove Izzy was actually a harmless character-they were in danger for openly liking him. 

So that leads us to our current state of affairs. Some Izzy-haters proudly proclaim their disdain for Izzy and his big fans, occasionally getting into arguments with apologists over how much Izzy is at fault vs Ed, or dismissing anyone who likes Izzy in any capacity as racist. Any POC who claim to be an Izzy-fan are often erased or accused of race-faking or internalized racism. People who seem to support Izzy ships/art/fics with likes/retweets that are sympathetic toward him are characterized as apologists or racist as well. Izzy-apologists or stans get hateful anons on tumblr or mean quote retweets on twitter. Pretty hostile. 

On the flip side, some Izzy-apologists have taken to calling anyone who doesn’t outright love Izzy, or mainly engage in canon ship content as “Gentle-beardies” and speak about them in mocking, referring to them as boring, mean people who lack sympathy for Izzy because he’s an underdog or an old man who isn’t attractive enough to get sympathy. There’s a belief from some that if you profess any dislike toward Izzy you’re probably an asshole who’s ready to dox everybody who does like Izzy. Many POC are often shut-down or ignored-or told they don’t understand history/media studies when they point out issues with certain Izzy HCs/fics. People who dislike Izzy or pointed out in his laws in good faith have also received hateful anons or mocking quote retweets. Again-pretty hostile.

And that leaves…a lot of tense neutral people in the middle. Anyone who ranges from mildly enjoying Izzy to disliking him without making it personal. Folks who would happily write fics or do art or funny HCs about their thoughts on Izzy with others but are afraid to get lumped in any category. People trying to appease sets of friends who will react very strongly if you seem to lean to one side of the Izzy divide that isn’t their own. 

So I’d like to try…and see if I can try and break down where these two groups' beliefs are spanning from-and see if there is someone who is actually ‘right’ in all this. I think I recently cracked the code on why no matter how many debates break out on twitter or tumblr over Izzy there never seems to be any progress to peace-and it is because the two sides are viewing Izzy in extremely different lenses. 

Let’s start with the Izzy-haters. From what I’ve gathered, they’re of the belief Izzy is an extremely racist, homophobic, irredeemable bigoted character, a la a neo-nazi biker at the bar who’s bad side suddenly comes out once he gets a chance to show his power. Therefore anyone who is somehow seeing Izzy as sympathetic or redeemable is clearly harboring those internalized racisms or homophobias themselves. This lens sees Izzy as the ultimate villain of the show, it views Izzy in the frame of history in the show’s time period, as a white man with the power of whiteness in the 1700s, which he uses to bully others and eventually tear down Ed mentally. 

Their evidence usually comes from the following talking points: 

Izzy’s treatment of crew of color: consistently bullies and talks down Fang and Ivan, and once in power uses it to have crew of color doing hard labor. 

Izzy hates gay people: Izzy mocks Lucius when he catches him with Pete and clearly targets him for his overt feminine labeled qualities of queerness-similar to his distain for Stede and his lack of more traditional masculinity. 

Izzy sees Ed as an animal: Izzy sees Ed as an object and only wants to see him living out a stereotype of a violent POC, and Izzy sells out Ed to the English in episode 8 just to have control of him afterwards. 

Izzy-apologists look at Izzy in a nearly opposite light. Izzy is not so much a villain, as just a misunderstood antagonist-or even anti-hero/prickly old man who is harmless at the end of the day. He’s short, he has stomach issues, he doesn’t have that much power. He’s relatable because he’s trying his best at his job and his boss doesn’t appreciate him. This lens looks at Izzy as a queer, lower socio-economic, character without much power in the story he’s in, just trying his best to stay alive in the harsh world of piracy. 

The Izzy-apologists often answer the above Izzy-Hater points with these arguments: 

Izzy’s actions are not from racism & do not cause that kind of harm: Izzy is frustrated no one is working as hard as him on the ship since Ed is busy playing dress up, Fang is off getting sketched, and Izzy is just trying to survive, hence why he’s so harsh to everyone, and tired of being underappreciated. Race has nothing to do with it. 

Izzy is gay himself and therefore can’t be homophobic: Izzy is clearly in love with Ed, as evidenced from interviews with Con O’neill & David Jenkins, and Izzy is just annoyed with Lucius and Stede being rich and/or is jealous of them and their freedom to be be openly queer.

Izzy is in love with Ed and served him for years: Izzy would not work for a man of color for years and try to protect him if he was racist. Izzy thought Calico Jack would get Ed out of the English raid before they showed up and only ‘took custody’ of Ed to save his life after things back-fired. 

Both of these sides can seem pretty persuasive on their own without any context. And when the two groups are looking at Izzy in such vastly different lenses it makes sense why neither is ever going to agree or compromise on their viewpoints. It would be like a set of people arguing about the abilities of a rabbit-but one side thinks they’re talking about “Bugs Bunny” from “Looney Toons” and the other thinks they’re talking about “Thumper” from Disney’s “Bambi”. If one side goes “Well the rabbit loves wearing dresses” the other is going to call them outright liar-since they think they’re talking about an entirely different rabbit. They are very rarely going to reach a compromise because they are coming from two vastly different perceptions of what a rabbit is-just like these two sides are coming from two vastly different perceptions of who Izzy is and what he does. 

So is either side “right”? As a neutral person, with friends on each side, here’s my perspective. 

Let’s get to the elephant in the room. Is Izzy racist/homophobic or just misunderstood? That is the question. Because most progressive queer fans of a progressive queer show, would be very uncomfortable if they were stanning a character who was akin to “Hans Landa”( the Nazi from Inglorious Basterds or “Calvin Candie”(the plantation owner from “Django Unchianed). But because a few Izzy-Hater people very vocally read Izzy as akin to a Hans or Calvin, Izzy-apologists in the last few months went into full gear doing their best to assert-Izzy lacks any power and carries identities that would make it impossible for him to be like any of those characters, with metas, HCs, fics, and so on. 

I think the real answer comes from a misunderstanding of racism on both sides. A lot of people-especially white people, often think of racism in all or nothing terms. You’re either card-carrying Neo-Nazi member of the KKK, who loves Brexit to get rid of immigrants, or a monthly supporter of the ACLU, NAACP, and all other progressive racial rights groups who have never said or done a racist thing in their life. 

The reality is unfortunately and fortunately much more nuanced. Anti-racism studies tell us most of Western society itself was built on foundations of white supremacy and heteropatriarchy. Most countries of the world were colonized at some point, and had racist laws and processes built into their civilization. So small and big acts of racism exist every single day. Many people will do or say racist or homophobic things toward one group or another without ever intentionally trying to hurt anyone-but still have horrible impact-or an impact that adds to a smaller effect but still long term process of alienating others which becomes harmful. 

So what does that mean? It means people can often be racist or homophobic, or sexist or abliest, without ever consciously choosing to. Now it’s important to point out-in a good portion of those situations the harm they cause won’t be as intense as say, someone who is consciously and deliberately bigoted trying to get the outcome of causing pain to a group they have prejudice toward. The constant messages and systems in our society can contribute to something called “internalized bias” where society conditions a person to think about a certain group one way. In example-none of us have ever met a real elf, but so much media containing elves paints them as elegant, woodland, intelligent, and snobbish-that we would describe an elf like that if asked and expect them to behave like so. Well the same thing can happen when we see and hear stories of certain races stereotyped certain ways-we just assume certain certain behaviors are part of their defaults based on the stories we’ve been told-which can lead to far more dangerous situations if a group is being stereotyped as criminal or dangerous. 

But that doesn’t mean those people who are causing the smaller acts of unintentional harm, or unconsciously causing harm, should be entirely dismissed as innocent by naivete, and therefore allowed to go on. If a child breaks a window with a football you wouldn’t arrest them for deliberate vandalism-but nor would you simply ignore the matter without having a conversation about how to use footballs in the future to avoid breaking other peoples’ windows. 

Okay, what does this have to do with Izzy? Or Our Flag Means Death? If you check the meta tags of tumblr or articles written on the show, the queue is long of people who have analyzed and pointed out how well the show addresses race, racism, and so on in the show. It’s not a race blind show unlike some media adaptations (Like Bridgerton) where the different power structures of race in the modern day or the show’s time period, is never acknowledged. Episode five is extremely explicit in its addresses of race from how my fav Frenchie and Oluwande are treated. It addresses the inequalities of the 1700s while updating our protagonists enough from their asshole historical counterparts, that the show becomes and inclusive progressive story where racists are punished for their behavior. The show understands the nuance of racism and homophobia though, showcasing sometimes those unconscious moments can come up even from characters who mean well. 

We actually see a good number of unconscious acts of racism in the show-like when Stede and Pete assume the Native Nation ate the hostages when they’re captured in Episode two, or when Stede stays awkwardly silent to Badminton’s comments about his “colorful crew” in Episode one. It’s obvious the most egregious racists though in the show are meant to be the English navy, from the comments to their innuendos, to their positioning as the most disruptive villains in the show. If there are the equivalent to modern day hate-groups or bigots in the show-it’s them based on textual canon evidence alone. 

By that assertion-we know Izzy is not part of the navy. He is a pirate, he works with crew of color, and is in the show until episode 9 following most of Ed’s, a man of color, orders. Additionally, Izzy would not have sought the advice of Spanish Jackie, a black woman, if he were truly so bigoted he could not stand being below/taking help or orders from people of color. Therefore from what we’ve seen, it’s not really fair of Izzy-haters to assert Izzy is an absolute to his core violent bigot, and anyone who manages to love him after watching the show must be one too

To Izzy-haters’ points about Izzy mistreating the crew of color-it’s worth noting he’s just as awful to Pete and Lucius who are white in the show too. Izzy is clearly a grump who doesn’t have much affection or respect for anyone-unless they’re high ranking above him and proved their worth as a pirate like Ed or Jackie. 

As for Izzy being overtly homophobic-as in hating any form of homosexuality or same-sex relations, that doesn’t entirely track with him inviting Calico Jack to help when its made clear to Ed and Jack have had a previous sexual relationship. Granted-maybe Izzy wasn’t around or didn’t know that, but it bears thinking he probably knew Jack wasn’t entirely heterosexual, or Ed if he’s had previous relationships with men and Izzy continued working for him. 

To the final point of Izzy-haters, being that Izzy only sees Ed as an animal-it’s clear Izzy respected Ed’s reputation as Blackbeard and did care enough about him to send Calico Jack to try and save him before the English attacked, and make sure the English couldn’t execute him when it turned out he was there. Izzy says it himself in the text he’s “honored” to work for the “legendary Blackbeard” so he has some respect for that figure and humbleness toward it as well. There is some subtext to be gleamed from how Izzy smiles when Ed chokes him or even appears delighted after he realizes Ed has forced him to eat his toe, that he does harbor some sort of romantic or sexual feelings toward Ed-at least when he’s in his Blackbeard persona. 

With all that said, I think canon evidence of season one makes it clear to us Izzy is no Hans or Calvin, and therefore his fans are not stanning or attracted the show’s equivalent of a Neo-Nazi. It’s extremely unfair to decide anyone who is a fan of Izzy is racist, because the comedy of the show and nuance to his character make it clear that’s not his sole role in the show. So liking Izzy in and of itself is not an issue, and should not be treated as a crime or generalized that only “white” or “XYZ” people like Izzy. And it definitely should not lead to people jumping to the conclusion someone who likes Izzy is harboring some deep hatred themselves, or is anyway worthy of doxing/stalking/etc. 

So is that it-insanely long meta over-the Izzy-apologists are right? Well-as I said this is nuanced-as is the concept of racism and bigotry. While the text shows us Izzy is not to the level of bigot of a Neo-Nazi, I do think the text makes it clear to us Izzy is the antagonist for a reason and not a misunderstood little guy. 

A lot of Izzy-fan content delves into the idea of the hidden world of Izzy. There are popular posts out there that say things like “Say what you want about Izzy but if a child handed him a toy phone he would answer it” although we never see him interact with children in the show. There are lots of HCs about his backstory, many certain Izzy must come from a poor, working class background due to Oluwande’s comment that “most pirates don’t choose this lifestyle”. There’s especially a lot of fan content generated around Izzy’s subtextual and interview commented on queerness.  

Izzy is shipped with almost every male character in the show, especially with Ed and Stede or sometimes both at once. There are tons of metas and fics about Izzy’s repressed homosexuality and the shame and struggle he carries trying to be masucline in the rough world of piracy. Izzy being a trans man is an extremely popular headcanon too, to the point polls and threads and blog posts have been made about it. Some users have remarked they see Izzy as “inherently” trans, because of how much of an outsider he seems to them, referring to the fact he is shorter, teased, and seems unable to have the man of his desires, Ed. 

It’s clear Izzy-apologists see Izzy from this lens. A queer man, who is teased, overlooked, and unable to get the things he has worked so hard for and truly desires. He is not some swaggering Chris Evans pretty-boy, he is a small, easily flustered man-and he earns their sympathy and at times empathy. In comparison to Ed and Stede who are taller, and seem to be getting what they want from the narrative, Izzy is an underdog. He doesn’t have Ed’s charm and looks or Stede’s money and influence over Ed. So Izzy apologists will often assert Stede is a far worse character than Izzy-a rich queer man invading spaces and who callously ignores Ed’s feelings abandoning him on the beach. Izzy’s pushing of Ed to be Blackbeard is only so Ed will survive in the world of piracy, as much as it hurt Ed. 

For some Izzy-apologists Ed’s cutting off his Izzy’s toe was absolutely abusive and not a justified retaliation for the threat on his life, and shift the entire focus of the narrative that Izzy has been Ed’s constant victim-a trope that appears in many Izzy-apologist centered fics. Izzy is an “attack dog” or “sex toy” or “butler” to Ed-just tirelessly working for Ed all these years, out of desperation he’ll someday appreciate him. Some even are certain Izzy is Ed’s oldest friend. And the cruelest thing is Izzy is completely overlooked when an incompetent richer, and more effortlessly masculine man shows up and steals Ed’s heart. 

This viewpoint seems to be why Izzy-apologists to dismiss any accusations of racism or homophobia in fics or HCs, and label themselves the ‘fun’ part of the fandom, recounting fans of canon couples as dull and unimaginative or unable to empathize with the struggle of someone as marginalized as Izzy. 

The thing is, Izzy is not as marginalized in the canonical text as this popular fanon has made him out to be. As far as we know, canonically, Izzy is a cis white man, who has gained the benefits of it in the pirate world of OFMD. There’s nothing in the text to indicate he is poor or struggling, or specifically comes from an impoverished background. One could equally argue he came from a naval background hence his sense of his discipline like many historical pirates just as easily -as there just as little evidence. His first introduction is intimidating and held up as a contrast from Stede’s bumbling, that Izzy is the kind of ideal, masculine, pirate who commands respect. He nearly slices Stede apart in sword play until Oluwande and Pete assist in distracting Fang and Ivan. 

In Izzy’s next appearance he commands respect in Spanish Jackie’s bar, with just his name getting Jackie to pause in her actions after she’s been shown to take no shit from anyone else present in the scene. It’s an entire point of episode three Izzy is insanely frustrated by Stede because he is the first person to best Izzy at stealing hostages in a long time-which is also noted as a surprising thing by Ed. Izzy is not a powerless little guy, he is second in command on the most powerful pirate’s ship. Within the show’s context he is a picture of ideal masculinity that pirates would strive for, because in the world of OFMD there no Marvel-esque Chris Evanses. No male character with a six pack and chiseled jaw. They cast handsome Con O’Neill for a reason-who has earned the admiration for his looks and attractiveness from other cast members like Nathan Foad (Lucius) and Vico Ortiz (Jim). So yes Izzy does get more respect than someone like Lucius or Stede off the revenge, hence at least one of the reasons he's baffled by the revenge itself. And it could be a multitude of reasons Izzy bullies Lucius and Stede-maybe it is internalized homophobia, jealousy of their open flamboyancy or past wealth, or maybe he just finds them annoying in general. In the end why he does it can be debated forever, but it's clear he does do it, because he is an antagonist in season 1. 

As for Izzy’s loyalty or submissiveness to Ed-this is also contradicted by canon. Izzy disobeys Ed-multiple times. He doesn’t tell Stede “Blackbeard” wants to speak to him in episode two-and ignores Ed’s order to not duel Stede in episode six. Izzy tells Ed point blank in episode four he was honored to work for the “legendary blackbeard” which is the only reason he tolerated Ed’s changing moods-which surmises Izzy only knew Ed after he became Blackbeard, not as a long loyal childhood friend. Izzy is ready to leave the moment he thinks Ed has officially become an embarrassment and lost his mind in episode four, until Ed offers him the chance to become the new captain once he disappears after using Stede to fake his death. Which Izzy excitedly agrees to, delighted to see Ed’s ruthless side back again and not at all sad about the idea Ed will leave. Lastly, Izzy’s taunting of Ed in episode ten and calling him a ‘namby-pampy’ does not appear for the benefit of Ed’s survival, because he did not take this step when Ed was most vulnerable crying in a blanket fort. He only took this step when Ed decides he no longer wants to be Blackbeard, which means Izzy looses out a chance to have status by being associated with the most powerful pirate.

And as for Izzy’s queerness, yes there is a lot of subtext and interviews which strongly indicate Izzy is not heterosexual, but that doesn’t mean queer individuals are incapable of perpetuating homophobia themselves. Even within the Queer community there’s plenty of gate-keeping that happens amongst queers, and even if we decide Izzy himself is gay and in love with Ed in his own way, it doen’t diminish he clearly has a distinct idea of how queer men should carry themselves, with a distain for those who behave overtly classified feminine such as Lucius, or Stede (Or Ed in episode ten-hence the specific insult of “pining in a silk robe” toward him from Izzy). 

So no, Izzy is not a misunderstood, oppressed figure in the show with a secret heart of gold. He is the antagonist very much so, and painting Izzy’s behavior as softer or justified by increasing the violence of Ed or ignoring the context, is something that is not just harmful to POC fans, but to those who consume fic and internalize those stereotypes getting put forth. Whether Izzy’s harm to Ed is because he selfishly needed him to be Blackbeard, or he had an internalized bias, or maybe he really in some backwards way wanted to ‘help’ Ed-it’s not insane that some fans and especially POC fans are going to notice the dynamic of race in these interactions-and how Ed being pressured into remaining a hyper violent persona by a white man is impossible to see without some element of internalized bias in place on Izzy’s part. Izzy is the antagonist for a reason, and people are allowed to find fault and discuss the villainous elements of him, without folks acting like it is a personal attack. 

So what’s the point of all this? Am I trying to police Izzy-apologists they have to drop all their HCs and only ship canon content? Saying dark content with slash ships has no place in fandom at all? Not at all. Non-canonical ships have existed forever in fandom-so have villain/antagonist love. So has kinky, dark, and dubious content. Ship whoever you want to ship, and have whatever favorite character you want. Everyone deserves to have fun playing characters in fandom space without fear of being doxed or sent threats if they do so in a way another fan dislikes. Fandom content does have to be restricted to keeping things canonical and have the fun of canon is making AUs or putting characters in situations they'll never be in during canon. 

There’s nothing weird about liking or relating to a villain. Everyone loved Walter White during “Breaking Bad”’s hay day (hence why the show was so big) but we didn’t see a rise in folks running off and cooking meth-and even today as I see the queer community reclaiming Jessie and Walt from the show-I don’t see folks accusing them of planning to go cook meth. Izzy fans can love Izzy and see parts of themselves in him without implying they would treat Ed the way Izzy did or share every single belief Izzy has. Just like people can relate to Walt for being powerless and angry in his life-WITHOUT resorting to cooking meth and becoming  drug lords-Izzy fans can relate to Izzy from feeling overlooked at work without meaning they’re going to bully their friends into behaving a certain way. Izzy fans should not feel forced to become Izzy-apologists and well apologize for liking Izzy, or feel obligated to soften his edges. 

But Izzy-apologists should be mindful of tagging their content that especially veers into slash-and also be open to hearing if the content they’re putting in main tags or sharing amongst themselves is leaning into harmful real-world stereotypes which can perpetuate peoples’ biases. 

So with that said-I want to assert Izzy is the antagonist yes-but he’s not the Neo-Nazi from an Indiana Jones movie. Fanon Izzy has captured both sides of the Izzy debate some have forgotten what a real rabbit (the real Izzy) is like, and rewatching the show may help lift some of those lenses for folks. As of now Izzy stands at a crossroads-season 2 may push him into redemption or increase the stakes of his antagonism. 

If Izzy does end up with a redemption arc and Izzy-haters need to be prepared to trust Jenkins and his writing team, that they do not loose faith in OFMD because it doesn’t go the way they hoped. 

And with that said-I urge the Izzy-apologists the same, if Izzy doesn’t get a redemption arc and becomes worse, or is written out-it isn’t from fan pressure or a sudden 180 on the writer’s part. It’s part of David Jenkins’ vision which he’s stated he knew from the start of the story. 

So what’s the consensus, where do we go from here? Here’s my suggestion based on the observations listed above: 

Izzy-haters: Please recognize Izzy is more nuanced than you think, and even if season 2 puts him further him down his villain path, let Izzy fans exist in peace. You can block them, or mute them, or just ignore them. Unless they’re threatening folks if you can’t handle them enjoying Izzy in any capacity, you need to just let them be because it is just fiction and there are many many ways to enjoy a story or have fun with it. There are plenty of POC who like Izzy and and ALL of his fans do not deserve to be called names or accused of racism just for simply liking Izzy. Real people should not be getting over fictional character’s rights. 

Izzy-apologists: Please recognize Izzy is the antagonist for a reason, and people in good faith commenting on it is not an attack on you personally even if some Izzy-haters made you think so. Loving Izzy should not involve making the rest of characters, especially those of color, into harsher, crueler versions of themselves to make Izzy’s actions pale in comparison. If you can’t enjoy him without doing so, then please keep that especially dark content out of the main tags so people aren’t subject to racial or queer stereotypes that can be harmful. Real people should not be getting over a fictional character’s rights. 

All of us: can take things in better faith, be more patient, learn to block & mute people if we stumble into their territory and they aren’t forcing their version of things down our throats. If we really do see content we think is going to hurt other people-we should address people privately in good faith assuming it was an accident and have a discussion about it. There is no reason any person should be sent anon hate or doxed over fictional characters. And if we start feeling overwhelmed-take a step back and breathe. Remember fandom should be fun. 

And we should all remember-we shouldn’t be making sweeping generalizations about people or name-calling based on their favorite characters. 

If you read any of this about the actions of “Izzy-haters” or “Izzy-apologists” and realized you might’ve contributed to some of their more toxic actions and perhaps I’ve persuaded you to reconsider-posting an open tweet or tumblr post of peace would be a nice step forward. “Sorry I called all Izzy fans toxic moving forward I realize that was unfair I won’t do it again” or “Sorry I said anyone who dislikes Izzy is prude and unempathetic I realize that was unfair and I won’t do it again”. 

Well thanks for getting this far with me folks. I appreciate you taking the time to read this, I know it was a long one. My main goal is just that we all feel at peace to like or dislike Izzy as much we naturally do-without fear of any sort of retaliation or having our personhood labeled over it. As someone with friends on both sides-we’re honestly missing out on great times in fandom if we let our perception on one character divide us so violently or make us cruel to one another. Fandom should be fun-and if this helps even one person on either of these split fractures be a little kinder or calmer, I’ll be so cheery.

-Cheers, Frenchie’s most devoted fan.  

TL;DR

Izzy is not a raging racist bigot, but that does not mean he’s pure and free of all wrong-doing or potential bias toward some characters. 

Liking Izzy or relating to him does not mean that person BEHAVES like Izzy or would do the same things he does. 

Do not refer to Izzy fans with generalized statements or accusations stating anyone who likes him must be a certain way.

Do not refer to Other character fans with generalized statements or accusations stating anyone who likes them must be a certain way.

A person is allowed to like Izzy without having to justify his actions. 

We are allowed to disagree on how we characterize or see certain characters without making it personal.

People are allowed and it is normal to make fan content that diverges from canon.

Other characters should not be turned into racial or queer stereotypes to soften Izzy’s actions-and if that’s the only way you can enjoy him, keep it out of the main tags. 

No one should EVER be doxxed or put in danger offline over their opinions on Izzy or any fictional character. 

Learn to just mute and block people whose opinions you hate. Fandom should be fun. Real people should not be getting over fictional character’s rights.

[dumb-fictionkin-sideblog]

This is meant to be informational, all of this is /info

I'm not sure if you know this but hyper-empathic people with autism aren't ableist for not liking people with narcissistic personality disorder. Yet, a lot of people who do have that type of autism (which is rare yet more common in the biologically female genome side of it), can spot people with narcissistic personality disorder very easily. This is because of common phrases which in turn make them feel unsafe. This may impact the autistic person negatively, and MAY cause long-term PTSD (C-PTSD for Complex PTSD), but that does NOT make the person with NPD an abuser. Its common for those with hyper-empathy to feel unsafe around people with NPD because they are two polar opposites of intentions on the spectrum and often get mistaken for each other by strangers. Like its common for you to immediately tell if someone is homophobic or not, its also common for people with NPD and people with HE autism to recognize each other even if those without it can't tell them apart easily. Its a common fear response and nothing more. The best thing you can do if someone seems to think that Narcissistic abuse is real and has HE autism is to tell them to talk or see a therapist, or at the very least to look up information online from credible sources. (Of course, its also good to deliver this gently as they will be defensive.) TLDR; HE autism and NPD recognize each other and don't get along well but that doesn't make it abuse or ableism. /info

This is ! a lot of great info that... does not contradict any of what I have ever said, so I'm not sure why you felt like you needed to say it (or even less why you felt like you needed to put big ol' info tone tags all around it as if it was going to be offensive)

(Guessing you're referring to that post where I said "narcissistic abuse isn't a thing and not every single person with autism is hyper-empathic")

It does sound, uh, strange to me that someone just existing would cause PTSD in another person, but I've never claimed to be an expert. Also seeing the points you're making I do think ASPD could be grouped with NPD in this as well (yknow, because of the low empathy and all) — but when I say "narcissistic abuse" doesn't exist I'm strictly talking about the term. Of course people with NPD can be abusers. People with ASD can also be abusers, but we don't call that "autistic abuse" because it'd be stupid.

I get the point with the fact that they can recognize each other more easily, but uh, no, I can't identify whether someone's homophobic or not without asking them. People have been wrong. Like, it happens a lot. You can't... say that it's a reliable way to identify someone with NPD/HE autism. Literally yesterday I had a friend at my house who has HE autism and we ended up talking about this exact topic because they called themselves a "victim of narcissistic abuse" and I nearly had a fucking stroke. When I told them I had low empathy, which happened years ago to be fair, they were surprised.

I'm very easily triggered by what you call "common NPD phrases" (if I understood that right, and if did then I'm assuming you mean something that sounds manipulative, which.... moving on) to the point that it's something I have to discuss with pretty much everyone I know because it always comes up at some point and I get triggered by something completely innocent. It's a really big problem for me. But I am far from being uncomfortable around people with NPD (or people who just have low empathy for that matter), usually because they tend to be very honest with me the moment I open up about having low empathy (usually in a "oh thank God I don't have to keep masking around you" way). I tend to feel more unsafe around hyper-empathic people, not because of "common phrases" or anything, but because I've heard them say so much shit about people like me that it's become automatic to feel wary of them (see: my best IRL friend telling me they're a "victim of narcissistic abuse" after I've already opened up to them about my own empathy issues; trying to listen to a podcast my friend is in and getting hit with a "yeah I'm a decent human being, I've got fucking empathy"; trying to explain to someone that people with ASPD aren't all serial killers and being met with "some things deserve to be demonized ❤"; etc etc.).

For these reasons I do not believe that HE autistic people feeling unsafe around people with low empathy or NPD isn't at least partially for ableist reasons, whether conscious or not. Feel free to prove me wrong, it'd be great.

[opheliawillowbrook]

I think taras jealousy of raven is much deeper than anyone thinks

Like besides the fact that raven controls her powers better

I think Tara really hates how Rae was a titan first and is jealous of Rae’s loyalty to her friends and team and the fact the team returns this loyalty and because Tara knows she can never replace her

Also the fact that Rae also had a dark past and struggles but still has friends and love but terra never seems to get it

Terra sucks and raven is everything!

Sorry it took me a minute to get to this asked, but The last few days have been kind of nuts lol. I hope you had a nice holiday?

Anyway I agree, I think Terra's general jealous toward Raven is complex and has to do with her inability to overcome her dark side and her envy that Raven, through all her difficulty manages to do so. Not only that, but her ability to let her guard down and allow teammates in and be part of their lives is something Terra is seemingly incapable of and is insecure about.

I think most people mistakenly view Tara as a psychopath or sociopath if I had to pick between the two however I'd say she's more likely a sociopath as her behavior is in all likelihood learned as a survival mechanism versus a psychopath which is a born. Both conditions are a disorder of empathy and compassion. However, I feel like there is something to be said about Tara simply being a narcissist. It's important to remember that a psychopath can be narcissistic and is often narcissistic, but a narcissist is not psychopathic or sociopathic. And where these conditions share some overlap, it's important to remember that narcissism is a disorder of one self-esteem not empathy. Tara clearly feels some guilt and knows the treatment of her friends is wrong as well as her betrayal. If anything, Tara has a very narcissistic personality that has taken on aspects of a sociopath. Which very much makes her Raven's polar opposite, but also mirrors Damian in someways. As through Damian's early upbringing and training had led him to take on some more sociopathic tendencies and enhanced his sense of narcissism. The difference being he allowed himself to open up to those around him and worked to grow past those traits which he clearly learned through the behaviors modeled by his mother and grandfather.

I will say, getting Tara is one of my favorite villains as I do enjoy writing her as someone who is very broken and in my opinion isn't really a good person. And note sometimes what makes a good villain is somebody who at heart has chosen not to do the right thing and is a good contrast to other characters who are also flawed, but have chosen to become better people and work on their flaws.

[spasmsofthought]

find me a way (i’ll be yours in a landslide) [pietro maximoff x reader]

I love Pietro and I miss him so so so much. He is the best. I hope you enjoy what has been running through my mind today and a little bit of a different writing perspective. 

Inspiration for the title (and what I was listening to while writing this) goes to the song State Lines by Novo Amor. 

Let me know what you think! xo 

TW: Death, grief, violence (?). 

Word Count: A little over 2.4k 

+ + + 

You and Pietro aren’t friends. 

At least, not at the beginning.

He had this sort of roguish charm, and as the one who always followed the rules, there’s a certain danger to his very presence you detect the first time you see him. You have always walked the straightest line, valued for being good, and discovering your own powers turns that dial to 11 even before you find yourself with The Avengers. 

A’s in school and curse words that never leave your lips, and your previous co-workers had only good things to say. And when the news talks about you, when they find a second to recognize you, it’s only ever about how perfectly suited you are to be an Avenger, doing good and bringing justice and seeking the peace of all. It is all they know you for: the good you do. And then you fade into the background once again, like a shiny trophy on a shelf only brought out to relive the glory days.

When he starts to live at the compound with his sister, after the Battle of Sokovia, he sees the way you look at him. All wary and standoffish and hesitant. He knows, for some reason, that you don’t look at his sister like you do him. No, you sit with her and eat with her and there are times you laugh together at the dinner table. But with him, well, he’s lucky if he can get a word in edgewise with you. It makes him think that you classify him as an enemy, and if not that, then someone you clearly want to keep your distance from.

But it’s not that clearly defined for you. It takes time for you to even be remotely comfortable around someone who clearly enjoys sparking mischief and making trouble. He has no problem questioning authority and going against orders; he does what he wants. And for someone who has always had this golden star on their forehead, and taught never to make company with troublemakers because it would only cause grief in the end for you, there’s an underlying reluctance to be around him at all due to the complex nature of his shift from bad guy to good guy.

When he and Wanda open up about their Hydra experimentation with the whole team, though, that’s when the first crack starts to form. The empathy you have always felt for Wanda, well, it starts to extend to Pietro too. Because you know that no one should be subject to such an experience, even if they volunteered for it. There is something in his eyes that makes him older than he appears, and there are lines by his eyes that tell you of his sorrow, of his anger. 

Your reluctance diminishes over the week and when he happens upon you and his sister in her room on Sunday evening, and invites himself inside, you don’t leave and you don’t close off. You two openly discuss your varying exposure to sitcoms as children and there is something that lights in his eyes, too. 

And it is the first time you listen to him with your eyes, not just your ears.

The friendship you extend to him after weeks of Wanda’s hints and outright suggestions to you begins on rocky grounds. Because you and Pietro are inherent opposites, and while you are mostly black and white, he is all gray. 

The difference in beliefs and values leads to frequent, and heated, debates when the two of you aren’t training or trying to save the world again. The whole team enjoys watching them, whether outright from the kitchen or secretly listening in a shadowed hallway, whispering and smirking and betting who will will this one. They are always exchanging money in hands, especially when it is you that wins the round. 

He gets you, though, one evening as you two sit on opposite ends of the same couch in the open common area of the Avenger compound. It’s been a slow week and leaves much free time for you to discuss all of your differing beliefs. It is passionate and spirited, but this one is also personal. War makes it so, and the twining of both of your experiences cannot make the conversation as objective as others have been. “Rules exist for a reason Pietro!” “I didn’t have the luxury of following the rules when my life was in danger, my parents were dead, and my country was little more than rubble.” 

It is fast and quick as usual, but there is a hardness in his face that you have never seen before. A glint in his eyes that tells you he sometimes wishes he lived in a world where following the rules meant living in peace, meant a better future for everyone; where it meant one was doing the right thing, the good thing.

There is a pause that you have to take, because your country still exists the same way, and there is not a giant crater in the ground where an entire city used to be. And it did not suffer from war the ways his did. And your parents were not killed by bombs manufactured by a man with power and wealth and unlimited resources. And it turns out you may be wrong this time and it turns out it’s true that he had been trying to do the right thing the whole time he was on the opposite side of you. 

Now you are on the same side and that forces a change in perspective. You are forced to not stay the same. 

“You’re right,” You admit and the words are soft. 

Maybe rules are a luxury for people like you who can always choose to follow them; and maybe following the rules doesn’t necessarily mean you are the right one. His eyes connect with yours and there is something that happens, an understanding that forms. 

Something ties together and the knot cannot be untangled. A string tethers you to each other, somehow, someway, in that moment. 

The conversations don’t end there, they never do, but he notices that you bend for the first time that night. Usually you’re as stiff as a board, planting your roots deep and refusing to move. But this time, well, this time your hands open a bit instead of clenching and your knuckles aren’t white. 

It takes some more time, and a little help from Wanda, but both of you smile more and the conversation turns less into a debate the more you spend in each other’s presence. Empathy exudes from you, and now it’s less about being right and more about trying to put yourself in his shoes. To see through his eyes instead of your own. You bend for him more, growing less afraid to no longer put your value in being seen as good, and he takes stock of his own beliefs and he learns from you, too. And he’s not a jackass about it. 

(Clint saw it coming from day one, though he certainly expected it to take longer. Maybe he’s getting old and that’s it. But, there’s something about the two of you that he knew would click together. He watched you both from the kitchen when he was at the compound, and in training, and he saw the puzzle pieces. He knows you well, has for years, and Pietro’s the kind of person you need, though he would never admit it to you outright. He’s a dad and so he can see these things coming from miles away. Laura is going to be intrigued to hear about this when he tells her.)

And you curse for the very first time when he kisses you, pressed softly against the wall near your door. 

He moves so quick it comes as a surprise to your very slow (normal) senses, but the tension has been building for months. Months of his flirting that have been flying over your head or have just left you confused. 

He touches you more, now that both of you are growing more comfortable with each other. A hand cupping your elbow when he grazes by, a soft brush against the small of your back when he’s behind you as the team gathers together for a meeting or to train together. A light touch to your shoulder when he is about to whisper in your ear. A tender hug when you both have survived another day where his hands come to the back of your head and he holds you against himself for a moment or two. A kiss to the cheek when he can sneak it in and you’re not paying enough attention. 

It is in those moments where you truly understand what safety feels like.  

Nobody explains the flirting, or anything else, to you, though, so you brush it away and smile innocently back at him. It kills him, every time. Wanda is just glad you’re making him subconsciously work for it, earn it; making him be worthy of you. 

And it is a year after the day where you officially met each other when he follows you to your room after a solid day of training and playing a board game at the dining table with him and Wanda after dinner is done. 

You are laughing at something he said, and what happened when he lost, and he can’t resist but softly steering you to the wall. You go quiet, a little startled, and he can see your eyebrows furrow. He leans in and you can hear him ask under his breath if he can kiss you. You are barely finished nodding your consent when he does. 

Being a teenager, and then young adult, that had discovered and then wielded weird powers didn’t leave much room to have a significant other who could put up with your schedule and wack powers which interfered with your ever day life. Joining the Avengers left you with even less time to date. 

So, when Pietro kisses you, it’s your first kiss. 

And you think it might maybe somehow be spectacular. 

And whatever it is, it’s different and glorious and it almost overwhelms you and that is when “Shit” slips out from your mouth when you are able to catch your breath. Because you just want more of this, and more of him; more of all of whatever this is becoming. It’s like this feeling drops into the pit of your stomach and sinks deeper, weighing you down with some sort of longing, maybe, or a desire that has been unnoticed and unfulfilled until now. He has always been a contrasting force to you, but now he just seems irresistible. Like a polar opposite magnet that you can’t help but be pulled to: the north to your south. 

The curse is said almost under your breath, a whisper that you can’t hold in, but Pietro hears it. His mouth slips into a grin, teetering more to one side of his face than the other. He is handsome in that moment, and oh so irresistible. His eyes sparkle with a sort of pride, glimmering with a deep satisfaction, and you can tell he’s a bit cocky about the effect he clearly has on you, even though you deny it. You think maybe he is banking on his promise to corrupt you, even just a little bit. He presses his forehead to yours and releases a breathy chuckle. 

“I have been waiting--” 

Before he can finish his sentence, before he can say anything else, you press your lips to his. He sort of smiles into it for a second, but then there’s a shift, as quick as you could blink if your eyes were open, and it’s intense suddenly. All-consuming. There is a sureness with him, a substance you hadn’t been expecting when you first caught a glimpse of him. 

Your hands gravitate towards his hair, his towards your face, tilting just slightly. And then his hands are flying to the back of your head, and then one down your arm and to your waist. 

This is my reality, you think happily, the inside of you turning into butterflies and pure giddiness. He presses you against the wall and you press yourself against him, desperate for just a little more, a lot more-- 

and you wake up. 

No, no, no, no, the word runs a loop in your head. Not again. 

The image of his body hitting the pavement, the sound of gun fire ringing through your ears, is what you are immediately awoken to as you are torn from sleep yet again. He has been dead. He is dead. And it is not a reminder you need yet again, because you barely knew him. And all of this is in your head. 

Your eyes open to the breaking dawn you see out your window. 

The sheets on your bed are the same they were a year ago. 

And you stare out the window for a second, trying to breathe, your mind recollecting everything, and then the tears come. Your arm comes across your face as you involuntary release a sob. Another gets caught in your throat and you are nauseous to your core. 

You gather your face in your palms as you move to sit up, and you just cry. Your hair hangs around you, not having been washed in days, and your muscles are sore. Your heart cries out for some sort of relief, but there is nothing anyone can do for it, not even you. The sobs don’t stop for half an hour. 

You don’t tell Wanda about it. You never do. You can barely bear it yourself. 

You try not to spend much time dwelling on it when you finally get out of bed that morning, but there are some times when you like to imagine things differently. When you wonder what it would have been like if fate had intervened, or some sort of mercy had been given; you give yourself a glimpse of a different future. 

And when you actually allow yourself the time to sit there after you wake up, every once and a while, you usually can picture it all almost as clear as day, the sun shining. There are no clouds in the sky, not a drop of rain. The whole world seems right and perfect and complete before it shatters in front of your very eyes and it all turns to dust. 

Grief has taught you that you will always wake up alone and that dreams always remain dreams. And this one will never come true. 

+++

“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you'll never have.” — Søren Kierkegaard

[averykedavra]

So each of the Dark Sides/Others introduce their names in a different way, right? Janus took a while to reveal his and did it very dramatically in a moment of honesty. Remus revealed his in the same episode as he appeared, partly to gloat over Virgil.

If there’s a third Dark Side? What would that side do?

The obvious answer is--they would reveal their name before their function. They would introduce themself with their true name and hide their job from the others.

Why would a Side do that? Well, I’ve been reading this post and I have a theory.

Let’s start with a few basic ideas. This Dark Side will probably act differently than every other character, because Thomas always creates diversity of characters. It would fill a hole in the Sides’ dynamic. We can safely assume this new character will have a different personality than any others.

Also, the Rule of Three and basic storytelling rules implies that this side will be a ‘final boss’ of sorts. Deceit was sneaky and lying, but kind of funny. Remus is shocking but ultimately harmless. Both of them are hilarious and amiable in the right situations, bad but not truly evil. And, as we’ve already seen, Janus has been almost accepted into the Light Sides and Remus will probably follow.

So. It would make sense, narratively, for the final dark side to be far more intimidating and powerful than the first two. This would also fit with the first idea of gaining a character who’s different than every other one. All the Sides have their intimidating moments, like when Logan gets angry or Virgil uses his tempest tongue, but we don’t have a Side that actually elicits fear from the AUDIENCE.

The third idea? If this next Side is Logan’s Dark Side, it might be a side that’s opposite to Logan in a lot of ways. Logan is calm, rational, collected, and serious. He hardly ever smiles and is in some ways the most mature of the group, although he does have a temper and some self-esteem issues.

The fourth idea is the color theory and some ideas from the Obsession post linked above. The color theory states that this side will have an orange color scheme, in order to fill out the rainbow. @strickenwithclairvoyance writes:

“Generally, however, the color orange is to be associated to be youthful, energetic, excited, and creative. Take fandoms. Widely considered to be an “obsession” of sorts (to which we have all fallen victim, if you’re reading this), it is considered a childish thing to be a part of, yet inspires a lot of excitement and creativity. Any kind of obsession can do this, even and especially in extreme cases.”

@dragonsaphirareads adds:

“Obsession is dangerous because unlike intrusive thoughts, it isn’t immediately alarming. The Duke is dangerous because of the core four’s fear. Deceit is dangerous because he has the power to hide things and keep Thomas in the dark. Obsession is dangerous because it approaches you like a friend, and you don’t realize that you’re caught in its trap until it’s already too late.”

So let’s combine all of these and I’ll give you my theory--Logan’s Dark Side, whether Obsession or not, is intimidating, powerful...and probably acts a lot like Patton.

Hear me out. Logan and Patton are some of the most polar opposites. As early as The Mind vs. The Heart they’ve been arguing, and although they never reached that level of discord again, they still snap at each other from time to time. Logan is frustrated by Patton’s puns, childishness, and general “naivete”.

What if the third Dark Side, Logan’s counterpart, acts much the same way? A sweet, maybe even shy, childish type who loves meeting people and is always cracking jokes?

At least, on the surface.

But there’s ugliness beneath that. That smile is fake and that sugary-sweetness disguises a complete lack of empathy. Dark Sides aren’t the complete opposite of their corresponding Light Sides. Morality and Deceit oppose each other, but they both like an argument and make some wonderful puns. And the two Creativities are like mirror images. So Logan’s Dark Side, despite its demeanor, isn’t completely alien from him.

Logan says he doesn’t have emotions, but he does. He just acts like he doesn’t.

Maybe his Dark Side is the inverse of that. Acts like he has emotions...but doesn’t. He seems to be well-adjusted and sweet, but lures you in and sends things spiraling downhill.

Another thing to consider is the dynamic between the two of them. Roman and Remus hate each other. Patton and Janus go from cordial enemies to cordial semi-friends. We’ve never seen a dynamic where one side is afraid of their counterpart.

Maybe Logan is afraid of this Side. Maybe he’s afraid of his ability to socialize, to make friends, to be likable, even without emotions. And he’s always believed he doesn’t have emotions, being logic. This Side, in a way, is everything he wants to be--emotionless but able to get people listening anyway. Maybe he’s insecure that his Dark Side will replace him, be more liked than him, or is just better. Maybe he fears his Dark Side’s power. Maybe he never brings his Dark Side up in conversation, preferring to pretend he doesn’t exist at all.

And maybe, one day, he pops up with a wave and says hello.

There are so many possibilities for this! Patton and the new side might get along well, Roman might be okay with them, Remus would get a kick out of them, even Thomas might be open to getting to know them. But Janus, Logan and Virgil are wary. Maybe even scared.

Maybe this is the Dark Side that even Janus is afraid of.

And maybe they get called “paranoid.” “judgmental.” Other words. Maybe nobody trusts them and they get shunted to the sidelines. They’re unable to warn Thomas of the danger, and they can’t help but wonder...maybe he has changed? Maybe they are being paranoid? He really doesn’t seem too bad...

The only thing that makes Thomas a little worried? This side only goes by their name. They refuse to share what their job is. They crack jokes, smile widely, and seem childishly excited about everything, but there’s a glint of mischief in their eyes. And maybe it’s Virgil’s influence, but something just seems off about them. The more Thomas talks to them, the more nervous he feels.

Finally, someone says that they really need to go, that it’s been nice talking to this Side, but they have an issue to work out and they need to focus.

And the Side just smiles wider and says, “Oh, you’re not leaving.”

The entire room starts to shake, to glow. To do whatever Thomas has the budget for. The smile slides off Roman’s face, Patton’s, Thomas’s. Deceit and Virgil look terrified. Only Logan looks resigned. He knows exactly what’s happening.

“Who are you?” Thomas asks.

Logan’s Dark Side gives him a big smile. His eyes crinkle, but they’re empty of any sort of real happiness.

“Obsession.”

And that’s the name reveal. Not his true name. Not a display of honesty or forthrightness. Not a mark of how far a Side has come and how much they trust the others. This Side doesn’t need to worry about sharing their real name, because they have nothing to lose.

Their human, personal name isn’t the big reveal.

The reveal is that beneath the personable facade, they aren’t human at all.

[beautifulterriblequeen]

angst with a happy ending: meta edition

I don’t have the spoons to make separate theory posts so I’m going to share some stuff that’s been circulating in my head recently. It’s angsty, because my life is angsty. But I cheered myself up at the end and it’s because of you.

Here, have a cut:

The only cishet white guy in TDP is Viren, and he’s a villain. He hates things that are differently excellent, and Runaan, a Magic Gay, embodies that different excellence very well. Unless/until Viren changes his cishet ways, he’s going to remain a villain.

At the same time he was totally getting on his knees for Saleer, who’s been possessed by Aaravos since before the army left Katolis. But, you know, in a homophobic way, except in the Spanish dub.

Claudia probably had to clean up her dad’s mess with his experimentation on Runaan in the dungeon. She saw what her dad was capable of in his angriest moments, and it worried her. She probably settled Runaan with lower chains and a more symmetrical seating position because she was smoothing away evidence of Viren’s frustration and anger, not because she was helping an enemy assassin feel any more comfortable.

Ethari came back to talk to Rayla by the pool after he stalked away angrily because he didn’t want her last moments with family in the Silvergrove to be him abandoning her the way she (apparently) abandoned Runaan. But he still let her leave as a ghost because he’s been angry and mourning for a week and he has trouble being around her without falling back on his own attempts to convince himself that Runaan’s death was her fault, and not Runaan’s or his own. He needs more time to get over that week of denials.

Seems you lose your name when you get ghosted, at least off the tongues of the Moonshadows who ghosted you. Rayla didn’t know she’d been ghosted until she couldn’t see Ethari’s face. But she twitched hard in surprise when he said her name out loud, even though she knew he could see her. And Feathershawl, from the ToX playtest “Lost Oasis,” has dutifully given up their name and is using a nickname instead, because their primary goal is returning to the Moonshadow fold. They’ll abide by all the rules of their ghosting as a sign of their good intentions to return and do better for their community. Which means that Eljaal doesn’t know if they’ve been ghosted or not, and is probably afraid to go home and find out. They must really like their name. I like it, too. Corvus and Eljaal adventures when.

Lotus flower rituals have rules we don’t know about yet. Pools in front of various houses across the Silvergrove must mark houses where assassins live. Which means the tree house really is a house, and not just Ethari’s workshop, which is nice. Apparently it’s more traditional for assassins go out one at a time, as even Eljaal left on a solo mission for their very first kill. So the lotus is for the assassin’s family, to reassure them. Eljaal’s lotus is still floating, no doubt. Just like Rayla’s is for Ethari. The ritual isn’t done until something further signals the end, and either Rayla or Ethari need to do that, and they haven’t. He needed to keep seeing her lotus, even after he ghosted her. And he couldn’t bring himself to fish out Runaan’s sunken lotus and end the ritual because denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. It runs through the Moonshadow Forest, too. If Rayla has returned to the Silvergrove to see Ethari, post TTM, though, there’s every chance that they’ve ended the ritual and have another clue that Runaan isn’t dead--and if he isn’t dead, then neither are Rayla’s parents.

When a Primal Nexus gets corrupted, monsters apparently start showing up. Janai must’ve been a wreck those first few days in Lux Aurea. Viren and Aaravos destroyed her whole world in a Star Touch minute--her sister the queen was murdered, the whole area plunged into darkness, the nexus’s abilities destroyed, citizens getting attacked or fleeing. And her best ally is suddenly a sassy human general? Guys. The bonding. The bonding they must’ve done over those few days amidst utter chaos, destruction, and ruin. That could be a whole book in and of itself. Janai said later that what remained of her forces had come to help defend the Storm Spire. That means the rest of them are likely dead, and Janai had to choose between saving her city and saving all of Xadia. And she chose Xadia. Lux Aurea is going to be overrun without her and her forces there, and they’ll have a steeper uphill battle to reclaim it. But now, Janai has new allies at her back... and one at her side, holding her hand. okay this one didn’t end super angsty, yay

This show is pulling out all the stops, but pulling no punches, with its determination to represent all the good, deep, amazing, complex and beautiful things about diversity. There are no Usuals here. I started this list with a cishet villain. His polar opposite, then, is a queer hero. In the small scale, that opposite is represented by Runaan. Read all you like into the cishet taking out his rage at the queer guy who can’t fight back. It wasn’t written that way by accident.

But their dynamic is visible in far more than merely their dungeon exchanges. Viren’s attitude toward Moonshadow elves is the prevailing one in Katolis because Viren holds a place of authority there, and he gets to talk and make people listen to him. And he’s canonically very persuasive and charismatic when he gives speeches. He knows what The Right Words are.

Meanwhile, Runaan, a quiet Moonshadow elf who likes to keep to himself, hasn’t had the same kind of opportunity to speak as Viren has in the show. He’s literally been silenced because he wouldn’t play along with the cishet plan for world domination. But he’s talking all the same, if you know how to read him.

I know some haven’t trusted that what he’s saying is there, or true. I know some deny he’s saying anything at all, through his character development. And I know it’s hard to look at his half-finished story. It’s hard. If you’re trying to finish it happily, to wish him health and peace and comfort, it’s because you know something of where he’s been, and you wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It’s because you have empathy. And that makes you wonderful.

I know our lives move fast, even during a pandemic. But please take a second to know how much I appreciate every one of you who looks at any (yes any) TDP character with empathy and wishes them a happy ending somehow. If you identify with a character in distress, you know what empathy is, and you can share that with actual humans around you and make the world a better place just by being yourself.

This show set out to make the world a better place in a hundred little ways, and it’s succeeding because of you. Have a happy Bait, and thank you for being part of this fandom with me.

[erazonpo3]

Intro to my infodump on Alphecca but also I’m getting more and more shameless about it so I’ll probably dump a lot of other shit too later but back to the point: I never tend to stop mutating characters in my head but for all intents and purposes Alphecca is at a point where I’m satisfied with how fleshed out she is in my mind, so I figured I’d write it down. 

SO basically a rundown:

Alphecca’s main purpose is to be the “Season 1” villain, in which her part in the story can be expanded but mostly wraps up in a self-contained plotline, and has relatively low stakes so that there’s room for the narrative to escalate. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t pose a threat as an antagonist- because she absolutely does- but simply that her behaviour of terrorising people and raising bodies is already the status quo, and she has no grand design or plan of action. Cassandra steps in to change that status quo for the better, but her failing to do so won’t leave anyone any worse off than they already are. Yet with that being said, Alphecca is also built to be Cassandra’s antagonist specifically, so of course there has to be a resolution there.

Alphecca as Cassandra’s antagonist

Alphecca exists to be a foil to Cassandra, so that when you put them together their differences shine brighter. Where Ilione is a foil to Cass in that she’s largely her polar opposite: extraverted, very emotionally sensitive, inexperienced etc, Alphecca is a foil to Cass by being very similar to her but for a few glaring differences. It’s worth noting that while their personalities are pretty different, they share a same jaded perspective on life and struggles with mental health that stem from an ugly ZT origin story. 

Both women were approached by Zhan Tiri during a time they felt powerless, and sided with her over loved ones in an attempt to regain control over their life. They were encouraged to embrace malice and sadism, had their faith in their loved ones undermined and had those insecurities stoked, and all this instability created the perfect storm for them to be easily manipulated and betrayed. Zhan Tiri operates as a cult leader does, seeking out vulnerable people and cutting them off from their remaining support networks until they have nowhere left to run, even if they want to. 

It’s not to say Cassandra wasn’t making her own choices, but this kind of gaslighting shouldn’t be dismissed either. Some people will forever lack sympathy for her, but that’s exactly the point of Zhan Tiri’s manipulation- if nobody’s willing to help you out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself you’re going to be stuck there to rot, so you may as well keep digging in the hope that you might hit gold eventually. 

Alphecca and Cassandra are both victims to Zhan Tiri’s super fun form of control, but the major difference between them was that Rapunzel remained willing to help Cassandra out of that hole. Alphecca didn’t have a Rapunzel, or a Varian, or a Eugene, and instead over time she became twisted and warped into a menace who doesn’t need Zhan Tiri’s encouragement to do terrible things anymore. And that’s what makes these two foils to each other; Alphecca is the monster Cassandra never was but could have easily become if she was never shown compassion. 

Thus the only person who can stop Alphecca is someone who can empathise with her, at least to some degree. In fighting terms, Alphecca has a bottomless bag of tricks up her sleeve and the nature of her undeath makes her essentially immortal. She cannot be conquered, only slowed down, and the more pissed off she gets with you the more volatile and dangerous she becomes. 

Cassandra initially sees Alphecca as a chance to prove herself, both as a force for good and as someone who can rid the world of Zhan Tiri’s legacy. However,  it quickly becomes apparent that Alphecca cannot be defeated through conventional means, because otherwise warriors like Adira (who has encountered Alphecca before) would have been able to deal with the problem. Considering that Alphecca herself has sought out her phylactery to destroy it- with an extra thousand years of hunting up her sleeve- but failed to do so, makes it apparent that she can only be stopped by being reasoned with. But for a lich who hardly remembers the human experience, that’s pretty difficult. 

It ultimately means the only person who can stop her is Cassandra, because the only person who can reason with her is someone who can empathise with her from a place of camaraderie rather than condescension, and recognises that the cycle of violence needs to be broken by compassion and not just violence but harder.  

The Storyline

Basic plotline goes like this:

Early on into her journey Cassandra learns about the bone witch that roams the wilderness and terrorises innocent villagers, desecrates the dead, is probably a cryptid because legends have existed about her for generations, et cetera and so on. When evidence appears that this witch is real Cassandra and decides to investigate, because this is a pretty straightforward “good guy stops the bad guy” situation for her to jump into. (By this point Ilione is also tagging along). 

Their first encounter with Alphecca is pretty tame. They intercept her at a mausoleum, she does a fancy music number/generally has a good time fucking around with them, but ultimately skulks back into the shadows at the end. It’s sort of all in good spirits and Alphecca isn’t ‘defeated’ by any means but still bows out as a show of good sportsmanship. 

Their future encounters are a lot less nice. 

The more Cassandra continues to pursue her, the more pissed off Alphecca gets, and when Alphecca gets pissed off she begins to embrace her sadism and her outbursts become more violent and cause more collateral damage. She lowers herself to underhanded tactics like throwing Cass into a nightmare reality a la Tromus and becomes increasingly sinister. The ‘tentpole’ of this plotline probably marks the shift from Alphecca as a trickster figure into a more dangerous one as Cass and Lio learn that she was also a disciple of Zhan Tiri. 

The situation ultimately comes to a head by the finale, by which point Alphecca is very much unhinged and out for blood. She becomes fixated on Cassandra and does her best to hit below the belt, sniffing out her insecurities about her past with the moonstone and bludgeoning them with a metaphorical sledgehammer, and basically tries to goad her into a complete spiral. 

This is the emotional climax, and the underpinning of Cassandra’s character development in becoming emotionally sound enough to shake it off. It’s at this point she understands what Alphecca is doing; Alphecca is caught in her own eternal maelstrom of emotional torture and latches onto anyone she can drag down with her for the small amount of pleasure it brings. She’s able to recognise those feelings because she can empathise with them and knows exactly what she needs to hear in that moment. 

There’s probably some extended backstory revealed by this point too, going into a little more detail about the way in which Alphecca was caught in Zhan Tiri’s web down to becoming a lich, but of course what’s more important is the resolution. 

With Cassandra getting through to her, Alphecca is able to pull herself together long enough to ease the situation back down again and have a more honest conversation about hope and humanity and compassion and all those good things. Cassandra admits that she can’t do much to ‘fix’ her, but starts by continuing Rapunzel’s legacy and showing forgiveness and compassion to someone who doesn’t think they deserve it. (Alphecca isn’t entirely regretful of all her actions, but does acknowledge that she ought not project her pain onto others anymore.) 

Alphecca Post-S1

Alphecca doesn’t really get a ‘redemption arc’ because honestly I don’t want her to be redeemed. It’s not really a moral stance so much as I believe she’s genuinely disinterested in being a better person, she just has the selfish desire to be able to live happily again. And that’s kind of all she needs. She doesn’t care much about other people, but she’s working on herself and that means squashing the sadism. 

I think it also continues to make a good parallel to Cass: Cassandra is trying to do better not only for herself but by others because she sees it as her own social responsibility, whereas Alphecca just wants to do better for herself and if other people benefit from that, that’s just a bonus. 

Alphecca doesn’t join Cassandra on her travels either, although she does make appearances as a reoccurring character. Cassandra is upfront about the fact that while she wants to help Alphecca, she needs to help herself first, and the damage Al inflicted on her is slow to heal. They’re both in danger of dragging each other down in their own spirals so it’s best that they give each other space, but it’s also very important that they’re able to share their experiences.  It’s a minor struggle between Cassandra and Ilione that Lio doesn’t really understand a lot of Cass’ struggles, although she does try to be sensitive about it. Alphecca provides that alternate perspective: Lio can provide support but little empathy, while Alphecca can provide empathy but little support. 

I’ve also got more Alphecca stuff living in my brain regarding her origins, her own foray with Death and her association with lesser and greater deities, her relationships to other ZT cultists, et cetera et cetera but I’ll probably stop here to keep it succinct. 

But basically over the course of this plotline Alphecca goes from wacky evil villain to really tragic but still evil villain to not really evil villain but still kind of a jerk neighbour that shows up at your house asking for your wifi password acquaintance. 

[thoughtsofanexcitedspacechild]

Writing Tips (Pt. 3): Writing Believable and shippable relationships in literature.

Hello friends! First of all, let me say a HUGE thank you for the support on the Kataang post! I worked really hard on it and it means so much to me all the little notes you give it and reblog it! I know it’s not at a huge number of notes, but I like knowing that people took time to read through the endless rant and reblog it! I’m planning on doing another full analysis on Zutara and why specifically it doesn’t work. I’ll make it respectful though as I know that a lot of Kataang fans are REALLY defensive and anti-zutara. I promise I’m not one of those people, and believe that no matter who you ship, your opinions on fictional characters are your opinions and you are FULLY entitled to ship and like whatever you want (as long as it’s not incest or a huge age gap. PLEASE don’t ship that stuff lol. U nasty mfs know who u are.) Speaking of ships, let’s talk about writing them. Writing ships for movies, books, shows, etc. can be surprisingly hard. Writing characters themselves can be hard enough as it is, but writing a pair of characters that fit together like a puzzle piece can feel impossible. Nevertheless, I’m here to make that process a little bit easier. When I’m trying to set up a relationship that’s going to happen, here are some things that I keep in mind to make sure that I and the audience of my writing  ship the characters I have end up together. 

DISCLAIMER before I get a’rantin: I am by NO means telling you how or what to write and am by NO means a professional writer of any sorts. I’m doing this mostly because I write a lot and speak from my own personal experiences with writing and because these are just the things that I found work best when writing my own stories. I also read and analyze a lot of others work on my own personal time, and these are just the details that I pick up on that I find makes a piece of writing effective. With that in mind, remember that writing is and art form, and the beauty of that is that there’s no one right way to do it. Ever. You can read the same thing as another person and interpret it in a completely different and unique way. 

1. Complementary Characters usually work out best. 

This is more than the classic “opposite’s attract” theory, and characters don’t necessarily have to be opposite to be complementary. Some things to think about when thinking of and writing complementary characters:

-Complementary doesn’t necessarily mean complete opposite in every single way. Often times I find it much more helpful to have characters share a common interest in hobbies, upbringing, childhood trauma (that one’s a bit overdone these days), etc. so that they’re not butting heads all the time. Just like yin and yang, theres a bit of darkness in the light and vice versa. To keep the balance harmonious, you can’t have characters be polar opposites and have no common ground. That leads to what many people consider a toxic ship, and will either lead to an unrealistic balance that inevitably leads your characters to be fighting all the time. 

-Keeping common interests in mind, often times the paces where character’s contrast is in their personalities. (Shy and bold, heart and head, bubbly and brooding, quiet and gregarious, etc.) Different personalities often are able to balance each other out and hold each other accountable for their weaknesses.

-Going off of that, one character’s strength is another’s weakness, and all traits are both. A character’s empathy can lead them to be loved by many, but may cause them to starve themselves and drain their cup so there’s none left to take care of themselves. A character’s logic may lend them top of class or calm in stressful situations, but can lead them to be insensitive to others and even their own emotions. Your characters should balance each other out and work well together, and part of this is helping each other grow from their weakness. 

-This one isn't as important, but what I also find super compelling, especially in film and tv shows is when the authors/writers deliberately choose to give the characters complementary color palettes. (I dove more into this on my Kataang analysis so go read that if you’re super interested.) If the character’s look ascetically pleasing together, it makes shipping them a whole lot easier. Focus on orange and blue, yellow and purple, red and green, and any variation of those colors together. 

2. Buildup

Often times one of the biggest critiques of ships that just don’t work out is that there’s not enough buildup or foundation to have a romantic relationship. It seems obvious, but if you’re going to have them end up together, there’s going to need to be some buildup or else the entire relationship will feel wrong and contrived no matter how pleasant you make it. 

Some tips for increasing and establishing buildup:

-Have your otp spend time together as friends first. I personally find that the healthiest and most successful ships are friends before they’re lovers. This is why Kataang specifically works so well, but Korrasami, Romionie, and Liesel and Rudy from the Book Thief are all good examples. If you observe these ships, all of these characters spend time together as friends first. Korra and Asami were able to bond and become friends over a toxic guy (cough cough MAKO) and eventually developed feelings for one another. Ron and Hermione weren’t romantically interested in other people and were friends until they started seeing other people and found out they liked each other. Liesel and Rudy were best friends before anything else and Liesel didn’t realize her feelings until it was too late. 

-Time together. When your otp spends time together, make sure that whatever time is being spent together is time that they both enjoy. No, the activity itself doesn’t have to be enjoyable to both characters, but the time spent together should be. If the characters really aren’t enjoying the time spent together, then it’s never gonna work out. I’ll use the ship that I’m writing as an example. Currently, I’m in the process of writing a third atlas series and we’ll use my characters Liang and Hana. (Yea I used my own name for one of my characters. I think it suits her bc she’s basically my clone, just, she’s the avatar. I’m going to change both of their names once I do more research and can find culturally and historically accurate names.) Liang REALLY loves pro-bending matches. Hana, not so much. She still goes with him to see matches and attends his matches when she can. On the flip side, Hana really loves going to her favorite tea shop. Liang vastly prefers a strong cup of coffee, but he goes with her anyways. Why would they choose to do something that they don’t necessarily like? Because that’s more quality time spent with each other and doing something for the other person. 

3. Romantic Gestures

Going off of my last point, we have the art of romantic gestures. These can range to things anywhere from a hug, to an elaborate firework display, to a locket with both of their pictures in it. Make sure that the romantic gestures are there! It’s gotta be clear that both characters are thinking about one another and consciously choose to do something for the other person. Here are some fun ways to do it:

-Remembering a gift the other character wanted. This one’s cliche but it works, because often times the best way to show affection is through physical gifts and objects. Think coffee from a favorite shop, handwritten notes, that piece of clothing the other has been eyeing, etc. 

-~symbolism~ *add chime here* By that I mean have an object to symbolize their relationship with, like Korrasami’s iconic hair pin or Liesel’s book that Rudy retrieved for her. This way, the readers not only have a visual representation of their favorite ships, but the object can physically link characters together and make a vague relationship full cannon. (I know for sure that someday when I get a tattoo, I want the hairpin tattooed on my wrist, ankle or side of my body.) 

-PDAs. Works best in film and visual stuff, but still applies for everything. I’m talking cuddles, kisses, falling asleep in each other’s arms, the whole shebang. I mean how much clearer can you make it than a pda?

-Love languages. Each person loves in their own unique way. Have characters figure out and learn each other’s love language. It really shows and adds a whole other layer to the cake. This one can make a ship that feels a little bland have more depth and realism, because in the real world, healthy relationships are formed and aided by learning and applying each other’s love language. 

4. Dialogue. This one can be hard to master, but once you do, it’s a breeze. First off, I recommend getting all your ideas out, and editing. DON’T EDIT AS YOU GO! This is often tedious and super annoying, so get everything out first, and go from there once you have a decent amount to work with. Dialogue is tricky, because dialogue in and of itself is meant to communicate and express feelings. Here are some tips and steps to at least get a start: 

a. Know EXACTLY how your characters feel about one another, and make that evident through communication. It seems obvious (again) but this really helps and I find that putting myself in the character’s shoes for a second and really thinking about it helps to decide exactly what they would say in a given situation, especially if the scene you’re writing involves confrontation about feelings for one another. 

b. Dialogue is more than just talking. Body language, tone, facial expressions, etc. are all part of dialogue too and are SUPER important! In the real world, humans communicate through more than just words, and sometimes a playful grin, grimace, crossed arms, or pout is much more effective than a character outright saying something. 

c. Once you’ve written the dialogue out, be concise and smart about your dialogue and pare it down as much as you can. Often times, adding too much dialogue can make a scene boring and flat. Use your words sparingly! The purpose of writing is to covey a story or message and often times this can be done effectively with less words rather than more. The main point in dialogue itself is to provide necessary context and information. Otherwise, don’t use it.

d. Make sure the conversation is two sided. This (say it with me now) SEEMS OBVIOUS, but make sure that both people are talking/communicating. it’s a conversation, not a speech. (Unless it is a speech or declaration of some sort.)

Before I go: A QUICK (Long) PSA ON TOXIC SHIPS: 

The concept of a toxic ship is very common in a lot of literature. Often times writers choose to include elements that may be toxic to heighten romantic tension in a story. While I do recognize that this sometimes may be a stylistic choice, there are MUCH better and effective ways to create tension that having something be toxic. Toxic relationships in my opinion share one purpose, and that is to establish a relationship’s toxicity and ineffectiveness. I don’t recommend writing these into a story unless it’s an obstacle for your characters to overcome, and having a character forgive the toxic actions of another character and still end up with them isn’t the right move because it completely disregards and diminishes the effects of what happened previously.

One of the best examples I can think of is Reylo from the new sw trilogy. I did touch on this briefly in a couple of my earlier posts (The Effect Of Modern Day SW characters and My Tips for Writing (In General) which I highly suggest you go read bc they both took me a bit of time and state the purpose more in depth) but I think I’ll quick reiterate and say that it wasn’t a good choice on the writer’s part to have some of the dialogue be so intense and vicious and then have them end up together. I still like the idea of Ben Solo and Rey together and ship them together out of cannon, but in cannon, it’s the perfect example of an ineffective ship. There was little to no build up, the dialogue was often spiteful and sharp, and it escalated a bit too quickly. I would’ve liked to see more of Ben Solo (NOT Kylo) and him feeling sorry for and repenting for the bad that he’s done before he and Rey end up together. Yes, we’re all suckers for the enemies to lovers trope, but PLEASE make sure to filter out the toxins before boarding your ships and watching them sail. 

That’s it for now! I hope this helps a little when writing shippable characters! I’m always free to rant to and to critique. I’m going to start posting as much as I can, because these guides help me too! Check out my other ones if you’d like to know tips for writing in general and I made another one on how to write characters. 

[girl4music]

Information on Twin Flames

You guys might find this interesting to read and recognize that it sounds extremely similiar to a relationship we all know and love. This information is taken from an Allure article written only last year.

"Have you ever met somebody who completely changed the course of your life? It might have been your twin flame. But what does that term mean, exactly? And, perhaps more importantly, how do you know when you've found yours?

“These high-level spiritual love connections do exist, but here’s a pretty serious misunderstanding of what that means," says psychospiritual mentor and love coach Lisa Vallejos. Many people assume that a twin flame is the same thing as a romantic soul mate and use the terms interchangeably, but these are entirely different things. While they can be romantic relationships, they can also be completely platonic in nature. Still, twin flames are intense and life-changing relationships that can forever change who you are.

Meeting your twin flame will change your life, but what does the term mean? Here's how to know when you meet them, what it'll feel like, and how the relationship is different from the one you have with a soul mate.

What is a twin flame?

Contrary to popular belief, a twin flame is not your soul mate. Your twin flame doesn't even have to be someone you fall in love with (although it often is). "This kind of high-level, soul-based connection isn’t about romance. It’s about spiritual growth," says Vallejos. "You meet them and your life just completely changes. You start seeing the world differently. It pushes you to want to engage with the divine, shift consciousness, and become a better, soulful being in this experience." A twin flame can be a romantic partner, a friend, a mentor, or even a student.

The relationship goes both ways. It's not a one-way spiritual street. When you meet your twin flame, they will forever change your life and you will do the same thing for them. According to intuitive energy healer Tasha Nassar, a twin flame relationship helps us unite the divine masculine and feminine within us all. (We all contain masculine and feminine energies regardless of our gender).

While such relationships are with another person, they are also meant to help us evolve our relationship with ourselves. Nassar tells Allure that when these energies come into union with another, you become a higher version of yourself and realize a version of love different from other types of relationships.

How do you know when you meet your twin flame?

Have you ever met someone and it just felt...meant to be?

“There’s a sense of homecoming," explains Vallejos. "There’s a sense of merging energy where you can’t really tell where you start and they end." Additionally, she says that often your twin flame will have experienced similar childhood trauma. While a twin flame isn't a soul split in two, as we are whole on our own, twin flames do act as a reflection. It's like looking in a mirror, and not only is your unprocessed trauma reflected back at you, but so is past life or ancestral work. "It can be really intense. That’s what being in a twin flame relationship is like, staring into a mirror all day," she says.

Unlike life partners, or what we consider to be soul mates, twin flames are intense and challenging relationships that force us to deal with our unresolved issues and become a bigger person. Because of this intensity, it's uncommon for twin flames to be a lifelong partnership. Rather, they are people who enter your life for a period of time to help you grow and steer you on course. "It is common for those relationships to separate because they are very difficult to maintain," explains Vallejos.

Think of your twin flame as a catalyst. It's okay if the relationship ends, even if it's quite painful due to the level of intensity. Your twin flame is not someone you should wait around for, as not everyone meets one in this lifetime. Should you find them, don't expect them to be your life partner. That's another type of relationship.

It might feel (or might have felt) like a cosmic spark when you meet your twin flame. They may bring up some of the most challenging lessons you'll learn and will forever change the course of your life — and you'll do the same for them. The relationship will set you on the right path and will help you confront and heal unresolved wounds. Think of your twin flame as a spark, a crucial one, and someone you will always remember. However, it's not only okay but totally normal if the relationship doesn't last forever."

Source: https://www.allure.com/story/what-is-a-twin-flame

21 Major Twin Flame Signs

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.” – Rumi (The Essential Rumi)

We are not always receptive to the appearance of our twin flames in life. We might be heart-broken, wracked with grief, maritally over-burdened, or just plain tired and disillusioned when they suddenly appear out of the blue. Feeling unprepared is one of the biggest reasons why twin flame separation and the twin flame runner and chaser complex occurs. In fact, we might have already met our twin flames, but we might have overlooked them or taken them for granted in some way.

Whatever emotional or psychological stage you’re at in life, it is always beneficial to be conscious of the people you live with and meet. These following twin flame signs might help you to open new pathways and opportunities for union:

1. You feel a strange, inexplicable sense of “recognition” when you meet the person. This might manifest itself as déjà vu, or an unshakable feeling that you’ve known this person before, or are somehow “meant to be together.”

2. You have a feeling that they are going to play a very important role in your own development, without knowing when, why or how.

3. You’ve established an immediate, intense connection with them that is invigorating and shocking at the same time.

4. You feel as though you’ve finally found a “home” or safe place with the other person.

5. You are able to be your authentic self – warts and all – without the fear of rejection, persecution or judgment with them.

6. You both embody the yin and yang, in other words, your dark side is balanced by their light side, and their dark side is balanced by your light side.

7. You feel a sense of expansion with them, as though you are larger than your limited identity.

8. They make you a better person, and you make them a better person.

9. When together you are both bonded but free, attached but unattached. In other words, you still maintain your freedom even though you might be in a relationship with them.

10. You are finely tuned to their energy, and they are finely tuned to yours. This means that you are both very conscious of the present play of energy (whether happy or sad, angry or forgiving, open or withholding) present in the connection. You’re both therefore highly empathic with each other.

11. You feel as though you have been waiting for this person your entire life.

12. You both connect deeply and mirror each other’s values and aspirations for life beyond surface similarities.

13. Your twin flame is a mirror of what you fear and simultaneously desire the most for your own inner healing. For example, if you are a highly-strung person, your twin flame will most likely be relaxed and messy. If you like to play the victim, your twin flame will be a strong character who refuses to give you pity or sympathy to perpetuate your complex. If you are creatively repressed, your twin flame will be a flourishing artist. In this way, our twin flames challenge and infuriate us but also teach us important lessons about our fears, core wounds, and repressions.

14. Your childhoods were polar opposite. You were raised in very different ways, which led to the development of opposite childhood wounds that you now have the opportunity to mend.

15. One of you is more soulfully mature than the other and often serves as the teacher, counselor or confidant within the relationship.

16. You are taught important life lessons such as forgiveness, gratitude, empathy, and open-mindedness by them and with them.

17. The most growth you’ve ever experienced has been with them. No other friendship or relationship has transformed you as deeply as this one has.

18. Your connection is multi-faceted. In other words, your twin flame is likely your best friend, lover, teacher, nurturer, and muse all at once.

19. Your twin flame doesn’t try to change you. They accept you for who you are and what stage you’re at and encourage you to do the same for yourself (and vice versa).

20. You can be truthful with each other about anything.

21. Together, you both feel driven towards a higher purpose, whether spiritually, socially or ecologically. 

It makes me wonder whether Xena and Gabrielle had met before in that present lifetime of them being Xena and Gabrielle before the first episode of the show without them ever really realizing.it. Like they just passed by each other not aware to each other at all. And that's interesting because much of Xena's backstory especially has her meeting people that both change her life positively and negatively but the relationship never sticks. They eventually go their separate ways or are abruptly severed. Xena and Gabrielle's relationship sticks. They don't willfully separate or become severed from each other exactly, but they do go off on their own adventures from time to time still very much attached to each other mentally, emotionally or spiritually but physically separate from each other for the meanwhile for their own experiences. None of the other relationships for either characters, especially not Xena's, had that sense of belonging but not owning thing going on. But they did. Perhaps that's just because the show centers around both of them and allowed us the see what they did while not travelling together so we could also see how much they still needed or wanted each other around. 

What do you guys think?

[qtakesams]

When Life Goes On, Go with It

Two years ago this month, I moved to Edgewater, Maryland, to complete a summer internship with the Smithsonian Environmental Research Center. SERC, as we call it, is a branch of the Smithsonian Institution that specializes in climate, coastal, terrestrial, and various other types of sciences. Their campus is an hour east of Washington, D.C. They own hundreds of acres of land, on which they house their laboratories and fields.

It was just after my sophomore year of college ended. As with many underclassmen years, mine was turbulent. I endured a drastic shift in my social circle which had, even if temporarily, left me feeling stranded on a campus I was still learning about. I’d had a rough spring semester, finding a lack of motivation to complete any assignment.

Most undergrads face that year: the one where nothing feels right, and each path feels like a dead-end. I had applied for a SERC internship on a bit of a whim. Entering college, I’d seen myself as a fiction writer and editor, planning to end up in a corporate publishing house. Sophomore had shown me I desired other things, and I applied for SERC’s science writing internship completely unsure if I’d actually like the work. What if I didn’t? What if it felt worse than the previous semester? What would I do if I couldn’t bounce back?

All of this, I decided, would be worth the risk. When I got an email from the internship’s advisor in March, offering me the position, I accepted it. The rest, as some might say, is history.

SERC is a hard place to find until you’ve visited a few times. The brown sign is easily skipped by the eyes. Coming from the west, you approach SERC on the left side of the road. Immediately, you forget that you’re technically in the suburbs, less than thirty miles from the epicenter of political heat in America. After a few turns, you arrive at the gate. When SERC is publicly open, you drive on through. When you’re an intern coming back from the bar at night, you have to swipe your ID card. You drive a few more turns, watching closely for deer, before that final right turn that drops you into the parking lot of the intern dorms and the labs.

I fell in love with SERC within days of my arrival. There were the intimidating factors of the place: fellow interns at Ivy Leagues and respected colleges, scientific labs into which the government itself funded millions, no meal plan, and the stick shift vehicle I would drive all summer. I was terrified when my mom drove away. I explored the floor of my building, admiring the kitchen, perusing the book selection. By eleven, I was in bed. I was tried from traveling, but more so, I didn’t know what to do. I’d briefly interacted with the other intern already on my floor, but I didn’t know him well enough to go say hi. There were four interns moved in below my floor, but I hadn’t seen any of them yet. I suddenly seemed wildly out of my element, though I had felt comfortable at SERC the moment I drove through the gate.

Of course, I grew happier at SERC. The happiest I’d been in years. Within weeks, I made strong friends, adjusted to my job, and began to close my GPS when driving to the store.

My work felt good. The articles I wrote and the media I created reached thousands of people, many of which gave positive comments. My words were reaching people, and the people were responding.

I was raised by a scientist, but more importantly, by well-educated, empathetic people. Loving my planet was part of the gig when I was growing up. In high school, I began to see where my privilege in this education existed. My friends at school didn’t seem to care about the things I’d be taught to care about. Water consumption, electricity, knowing the landscape on which your house is built. I knew important moments in history, and how they affected me. I had early knowledge of politics, to the point where I knew who George Bush was before his presidency ended (when I was 10). Ignorance and empathy tend to go hand-in-hand, mostly because ignorance leads to apathy. We’ve seen this cause-and-effect equation hold catastrophic, deadly consequences in 2020.

When I arrived at SERC, it didn’t slip by me that I suddenly had access to information that most people only dream about. Many of us are ignorant (I remain ignorant to 99.9% of what happens on this Earth) by circumstance, not by choice. Accessibility is one of our biggest problems of a global society attempting to function in a digital, climate change-riddled world. Sixty percent of the globe now has Internet access, but that leaves 3.08 billion people without the knowledge they need to protect themselves from the setbacks of climate change. Most of those people, as it would turn out, are terribly affected most by war, poverty, hunger, climate, social injustice, etc. These things intertwine and cause one another. Not always, but often.

My position at SERC gifted me access to science occurring in real-time. When the Pandemic would hit a year later, it would be surprising but not shocking. On a planet where politics and science are brothers, and the population is soaring too high to properly maintain, containing a spreadable virus is like trying to hold a cup of water in your bare hands. Sooner or later, it’s going to slip between the cracks and go everywhere. If it slips far enough, you’ll never find a towel strong enough to collect it all.

In March of 2020, when I moved home to isolate, I knew the rest of college was trashed. Not my degree, necessarily, but the experience of college. I would lose that experience in its normalcy, and therefore the skills which develop from that normalcy.

I did soon realize, however, that we are not always fortunate enough to do something about mass-casualties or problems. There’s not always an answer, straightforward or not. When there is one, you should grab it with both hands.

That summer of 2020, I decided I wanted to pursue a master’s degree after college. Higher education is not unknown in my family; we boast high degrees from prestigious universities. I am the opposite of a First-Generation student (one of my great-grandparents also had a master’s degree). Graduate school had already been on my mind when I started college, but I didn’t know what for. An MFA in fiction had felt the most logical to my teenage self in 2017, but by 2018, that felt out the window. What I had realized by the summer of 2020 was that, in the midst of the chaos and absurdity, was that I could in fact do something about what was going on. I can’t solve climate change, or house the homeless, or save every polar bear, or even eradicate a virus, but I can help in my own way. On some level, I can do something about the many crises. This, in itself, is “doing something”.

Science writing is a polarizing subject, of this I have been aware my entire life. Unfortunately, we’ve made science political, though politics are generally opinion (with strong empathy) and science is fact. It’s a tough, competitive field, but so is everything else. If you want to “make it” in this world, you have to willingly shed blood, tears, and probably sweat profusely. As I watched the COVID cases skyrocket simultaneously to the people I knew who cared not to stay home, I could tell something was off. People weren’t listening. If they were, it was usually to the ignorant voices on television.

I could feel my cheeks burning as I watched the Johns Hopkins map. It seemed cruel that we, as a society, could do that to ourselves. That we could allow this virus to spread and kill, but also that we had put ourselves in this position. I had already been envisioning myself as a science writer every day since my time at SERC had begun. Finally reckoning with the knowledge that not everybody is a scientist, nor cares to be one, was the icing on the cake. I couldn’t fix it all, but I could offer my help. So, I would.

When I began this blog two years ago, it was solely for abroad purposes. It was a fabulous way to let anybody who cared know what I was experiencing and how I was handling those experiences. Studying abroad, no matter how or where or how long, is difficult. Studying in general, for any length of time on any subject, is mindboggling tedious. I give kudos to my friends and family who have any advanced, foreign, or nontraditional education.

What I discovered after I began writing blog posts and sharing my thoughts is that there’s always more to the story than the words on the page. That’s why I’ve added to this blog in the year and a half since my abroad semester ended; there is always more to tell.

In a few weeks, I begin my master’s degree at Northwestern University in Chicago. My degree is in journalism, with a specialization in Science and Health reporting. I’m nervous to my core, as I am with any new adventure. I just graduated college last weekend, so my emotions are running wild. Yet, I have a feeling I’m about to finally be where I’ve wanted to be for years. I love words. I love messing with them, shaping them, using them to fit whatever project I want. I also love science. I love knowing what is happening around me, and why and how it is. Combining them already feels like a dream come true, so I’m sure the next year will feel magical.

The classes of 2020 and 2021 are probably the most resilient in history. A Pandemic, racial and social injustice, wildfires, remote learning, wifi issues. We’ve seen it all, and it’s made us stronger every day.

I think I’ve worn this blog out for this phase of life. My thoughts on what I’ve talked about here are valid and important, but they don’t exist alone. For somebody who’s pretty much been writing since she could hold a pencil, I hate journaling. I’ve tried so many times, and never succeeded, with the exception of this blog. That said, it gave me an incredibly strong, consistent manner of getting my thoughts on the page, for which I am endlessly grateful. If you’ve kept reading my thoughts and words, you should know I’m endlessly grateful for you, too.

All of this is saying that, whether you’re ready or not, life keeps going. Life can be cruel, it can be challenging, it can be beautiful. No matter what, it keeps going. As my friend Ferris once said, if you don’t stop and look around from time to time, you could miss it. So much changed so drastically in the last year. I’m still processing it. I might always be processing it. Most importantly, I think, is that I’ve learned to flow with it wherever it goes. It’s harder sometimes than other, but the result is usually worth the grind.

You might read my stuff in the Times once day, or (my personal favorite dream) National Geographic. I don’t know honestly know where I’m going, but I’m okay with that because I do know that I’m on my way. I’m still going. When life continues, you should go, too. You never quite know where the climb will lead, but you do know that the view will be great.

[detroitwhatitmeanstobehuman]

Chapter 1 - One and the Same

Part 1/17 of What it Means to be Human

Word Count: 10,810

Warnings: Swearing. There’s a lot of it, our girl’s a foulmouth.

Genre: Self-insert fic

Pairing: OC (Detective Rachel) X Connor

Rating: Mature

Summary: Lieutenant Hank Anderson, while interrogating the android that murdered Carlos Ortiz, brings in one of his strangest and yet uniquely skilled detectives in the DPD - Detective Rachel. Connor, the android sent by CyberLife much to Anderson’s behest, finds himself intrigued by Rachel’s foulmouthed and prickly nature, yet immense and unabashed sense of empathy and compassion towards others.

---------------------------------

Date: November 6th, 2038  Time: 12:41 AM Objective: Extract Confession Hank - Neutral

“Why d'you kill him? What happened before you took that knife?” A greying man with chin-length hair and a scruffy, but kept, beard asked the man sitting across from him.

Approximately an hour ago, Connor and Lieutenant Hank Anderson had apprehended a deviant android hiding at the scene of a homicide. And now, the android was brought in for questioning. Though it didn’t appear to cooperate with the lieutenant’s questions and simply stayed silent, not looking the aged man in the eyes. 

Stealing a glance back at both Connor and Detective Gavin Reed, a rather disheveled and rough-looking man, through the two-way mirror. A black police officer named Chris Miller was seated at the controls on Connor’s left. “How long were ya in the attic? Why didn't you even try to run away?” No answer from the android. The lieutenant reached across to snap his fingers at it, as if trying to catch its attention. 

Hank seemed to glance back at the others in disbelief before losing his patience and slamming his hands on the table. “Say something, goddamnit!” He shouted at it. 

No response, still. The lieutenant seemed to have enough and lifted himself up from his seat. “Fuck it, I'm outta here..." He muttered, turning around and opening the door, leaving the interrogation room.

It didn’t take long before Hank entered the observation side of the mirror with the others, huffing his complaints. “We're wastin' our time interrogating a machine, we're gettin' nothing out of it!” He sat down next to Chris harshly, getting agitated.

“'Could always try roughing it up a little.” Gavin suggested casually. “After all, it's not human..."

“Androids don't feel pain.” Connor pointed out. “You would only damage it and that wouldn't make it talk.” He took another look at the deviant on the other side of the mirror before he heard the door open beside him. “Deviants also have a tendency to self-destruct when they're in stressful situations.”

“So do I. They’re not special.” An unfamiliar female voice replied with a scoff. As Connor turned around to see who it belonged to, he found himself facing a shorter woman with short, wavy, dark brown hair and dark eyes that matched framed by the frames of a pair of rounded rectangular glasses. She was wearing a dark brown sweater with thick horizontal stripes of a much darker grey.

“Hi, Rachel.” Chris greeted pleasantly.

Hank scoffed in her direction. “Well, well, well. Nice of you to finally join us, Rachel.”

“Oh, well sorry I’m late, Hank.” She replied sarcastically, cocking a smirk and a thick eyebrow at him. “I was finishing the paperwork for one of my closed cases that Fowler wanted done ASAP, and I’d rather give him some good news for once.” The woman then fixed Connor with an interested stare, taking in his features as she glanced up and down his frame. “I know you have the whole ‘bear aesthetic’ goin’ on, Hank, but I didn’t realize this was your taste in men. A bit on the nose, isn’t it?”

The glare Hank fixed her with could cut glass while Chris was snickering and Gavin was laughing. “Oh, bite me, Rachel.” He growled.

“Oh, relax, Hank. I’m just poking fun.” She said with a playful smile, gently brushing Hank’s shoulder. Connor could tell immediately that they were rather familiar with each other. Rachel then returned her focus on Connor, her eyes glittering with intrigue. “So, who is this tall glass o’ water you’ve got here, Hank?”

Gavin let out a disgusted groan that Connor ignored. “My name is Connor. I’m the android sent by CyberLife.” He answered with his templated response.

Rachel - Warm ^ Rachel then nodded, smiling at him as she extended her right hand. “Nice to meet you, Connor.” She replied pleasantly. Connor, recognizing the gesture, took her hand in his and shook it. “My name is Rachel, I’m the detective requested by Hank, since he apparently wanted me to get some action on this.”

Gavin scoffed at her. “Well, you’re wastin’ your time.” He dismissed. “Machine’s clammed up and we’re not gettin’ anything out of it.”

“Not with that attitude, we’re not.” Rachel retorted, turning away from Gavin. “So what have we got, boy - oh my God!” Once she laid eyes on the deviant, her stress seemed to increase. “What the Hell happened to him?”

“It.” Gavin insisted. “It’s not a he.”

“Piss off, Gavin.” Rachel spat at him.

“We found it hiding in the attic of the victim’s house, Carlos Ortiz.” Chris began informing Rachel. “It murdered the victim after he attacked it with a bat, and it’s been hiding out in the attic for three weeks.”

“Hang on. Three weeks?!” Rachel exclaimed in disbelief. “He’s been in this condition for three weeks, and you just kept him like this?! Why hasn’t anyone repaired him, yet?!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Rachel.” Hank groaned. “This thing fucking killed a man, and you’re worried about it?!”

“If he was a human, this would be considered extremely inhumane even if he was a convicted killer.” Rachel shot back with.

“But it’s not!” Gavin scoffed. “It’s just a fuckin’ machine, and it doesn’t even give a shit whether or not you care! So why bother?”

“Because unlike you, I’m not an insecure manchild with the disposition of a barbed wire dildo covered in syphilis dressed up in the attire of a man who looks like he just crawled out of a racoon-filled dumpster.” Rachel responded with a smug tone of voice.

“Okay, smartass.” Gavin said, throwing up his arms in frustration. “What should we do then?”

Connor, seeing that he should likely intervene, interjected. “I could try questioning it.”

That caused Gavin to divert his attention from Rachel, as he was now laughing at Connor.

Rachel then walked past them, groaning and rolling her eyes at them. “Oh my God, you guys are morons.” She admonished. “He’s not gonna cooperate with you guys. Gavin is...Gavin, and the rest of you were at the crime scene and I’m assuming you were the ones that brought him in. He’s not gonna wanna talk to you because all he sees are the humans that are keeping him captive and the cops that don’t see him as what he thinks he is.”

Hank was getting tired of this, but seemed to be relenting more and more. “So, what’s your verdict, then?”

“Simple.” Rachel said matter-of-factly. “If deviants see themselves as alive and - well, not necessarily human - but on par with humans, then I’ll treat him as such.”

“So, what?” Hank asked. “You’re just gonna...talk to it like it’s a person?”

“No, I’m gonna talk to him like a tired doctor who barely has the patience for this, because that’s very much what the mood is right now.” Rachel answered casually. “I’ll be right back, I just gotta go get some supplies. What model is he?”

Connor, realizing that her question was directed at him, he answered, folding his hands behind his back. “HK400.”

“Thanks, I’ll be back.” Without waiting for an answer, she left the room and Connor could hear her footsteps getting further away.

The android detective found himself wondering about her curiously. She was about as foulmouthed and irritable as Lieutenant Anderson was, but she was nearly the polar opposite in her opinion of androids and her attitude towards Connor.

It was a comparison that Connor found intriguing.

“She seems to be a rather unique character, compared to what I’ve seen thus far.” Connor commented.

“That’s one way to put it.” Chris replied neutrally.

“Yeah, she’s definitely not like most of us.” Hank agreed, nodding his head. “But she’s one of our best. So, it’s worth seeing how this goes.” His praises seemed to be genuine, and Connor sensed that the lieutenant genuinely felt some sense of attachment or affection towards the detective. “Besides, what do we have to lose?”

--------

I knew exactly where I was headed. Most parts for androids were held by Cyberlife in their warehouses, but emergency services such as hospitals and police precincts had stores of spare android parts to both maintain and repair work androids should something happen. Some people had special clearance to repair androids due to their qualifications, of which I had on my resume. Granted, I never actually worked with androids, but my sister used to work at Cyberlife and she taught me a bit about their parts and how to repair them. I figured I could easily repair the deviant, and this would allow me to get to know him and build a rapport with him.

And hopefully get him to confess and give us some insight into him.

I made my way towards the centre which was just between the bathrooms and the holding cells, my key-card allowing me clearance inside. The thing I was most thankful for was that this area was always run by an android, and they weren’t going to ask me weird questions. As I approached, I greeted her. “Hello!” I said brightly.

The android nodded. “Hello.” She replied. “What can I do for you today?”

“If it’s not too much trouble, I’ll need a toolset and I’ll need a bag of thirium.” I said to her. “As well as a pair of arms for the HK400 model.”

“Of course, Rachel.” She responded. The LED on her head spun yellow and then quickly flickered back to blue. She then went into the compartment in the back behind the desk and came out holding two white unskinned android arms in a package and a packet of blue blood, very similar to the blood bags you’d see when you need a blood transfusion. “Anything else?”

“No, that’ll be all, thank you so much!” I said to the android as I was putting it all in a bag.

As I started making my way out, I heard her call out after me. “Have a good night!”

“You too!” I called after her.

No one was giving me any weird looks. There was the occasional curious glance, but I have never in my life felt more grateful for the “mind your own business” environment than I did in that moment. I made my way back to the interrogation room with no problems.

Hooking the bag over my shoulder, I opened the door and walked inside, glancing towards the mirror knowing they were watching me. But I wasn’t intimidated by them. No, I was going to prove a point and they weren’t going to stop me.

But my eyes landed on the android and my heart sank. It was so much worse seeing his condition up close, and I swallowed hard.

His right arm was practically split open, blue blood leaking from it, the other dotted with burns. His face was splattered with red blood, and he was just standing there in front of the glass. I was in so much shock. I had never seen an android that was damaged, but I did not expect it to make my stomach feel so knotted and my throat feel so tight.

Pushing down the lump in my throat, I approached, placing the bag beside the chair across from the android and moving slowly. “Hey.” I said. For a brief moment, his eyes flickered up to me and I saw a quick glimpse of confusion on his face before he glanced downward at the empty space between his hands. “Were you expecting someone else?” No response. “That’s fine, though I’m sorry to disappoint you. And even more regretful to find you in this condition.”

I reached down into the bag and pulled out a bag of thirium, emptying it into a bottle, and placing it on the table. The android’s eyes glanced towards it for a brief moment before returning his eyes to the table. For a moment, I wondered if Hank was getting this too, or if I was making more progress than they were.

Keeping focused on the interrogation, I leaned back in my chair. “Blue blood.” I said to him. “Do you know why I put it here?” He seemed nervous, but still wouldn’t budge. But I wasn’t going to give up. “According to my colleagues, you’ve been stuck in your attic for three weeks. Now, that’s a lot of time for you to be injured and losing blood. And that’s coming from someone who suffers from time blindness. You’re lucky you haven’t shut down.” I studied him and noticed him start to twitch ever so slightly. “And the thing is, I could just give you the blue blood you need to replenish, but in your condition...it could make your bleeding worse if I did. So, first and foremost, I’m going to repair you.”

That seemed to finally get his attention. He finally looked me in the face, confusion in his brown eyes. “What?” He asked, as if he couldn’t believe his ears.

I took this moment to jab a bit at him playfully. “So you do have a voice.”

--------

Hank couldn’t believe his eyes. She actually got the damn thing to talk. He knew that Rachel wasn’t exactly good at being bad cop. Not that she couldn’t be scary or that she wasn’t tough. Far from it.

But in this sort of situation, intimidation wasn’t her strong suit.

Good cop was where she was an asset. She didn’t put on a sap story or make herself seem like a bleeding heart. No matter what she did, she was genuine and earnest. And Hank had a feeling that’s what made her so good at being good cop.

She didn’t pass herself off as a cop. She didn’t try to be overly mushy. And she didn’t try to put on an act. She just acted the way she was and she’s able to get through to a suspect in a way they can understand.

Indeed, the way her mind worked was honestly a marvel. Even suspects that didn’t end up confessing to her, she managed to get to cooperate at least a bit easier because she could easily speak their language just by getting a picture of what they did or didn’t care about.

His focus remained on the interrogation, intrigue pricking at the old man. Hank didn’t have a high opinion of androids for various reasons. And he certainly didn’t see them as anything more than machines. But some part of him wanted to see Rachel prove him wrong, at least in this aspect. She was always an overly empathetic person, as much as Hank saw it as an advantage, she herself admitted that it was also one of her biggest weaknesses. In her own words, she cared too much about others for her own good.

“I’m going to repair you.” Rachel repeated on the other side of the glass. “And I would appreciate it if you cooperated with me doing so, because if you don’t, I’ll have to forcefully repair you, and that won’t be pleasant. And...I’d rather not add more unnecessary trauma to the horrible three weeks you’ve had.”

The deviant seemed even more confused as it just blinked at her. “Why do you look at me like that?” It asked, its voice shaky and uncertain.

Rachel sighed, leaned towards it to rest her elbows on the metal table. “I’ll be honest, I’ve just never seen an android in as bad of a condition as you’re in.” She admitted. “It’s...it’s aggravating to think that people just brush it off. Like it’s nothing. That people buy androids for thousands of dollars just to treat them like shit. But, then again, people did the same thing when they were buying actual human slaves, so I suppose I shouldn’t be that shocked.” She grumbled. Some part of her explanation sliced something deep in Hank and he could sense that an uncomfortable silence had fallen on all of them. Like when someone makes a good point about something really depressing and you can’t think of it the same way ever again. “I know it doesn’t hurt...but it looks really bad.”

“You weren’t there with the other humans last night.” The deviant pointed out, looking at Rachel as if it still didn’t believe she actually cared about it. “Why are you here?”

For a moment, she seemed to ponder something. Likely how much of the truth she should tell it. “Lieutenant Anderson called me in.” She replied. “But I saw the state you were in, and if there’s one thing you have to know about me, it’s that I don’t enjoy seeing people suffer needlessly.” She then turned to the glass to glare inside. “Unlike some people.” She hissed through her teeth.

“Oh, gimme a fuckin’ break.” Gavin complained throwin’ his arms up. “This isn’t going anywhere, just pull her back in here.”

“Just wait.” Hank ordered, silencing Gavin. “She’s getting a lot more out of it than we could, so far. Let’s see where this goes.”

“And I want to help.” Rachel assured him, drawing Hank’s attention back to the interrogation. 

She then reached across to the deviant to touch its hand, but it then recoiled with a yelp. “Don’t touch me!” Rachel jumped back in surprise before she seemed to calm herself down. “Please don’t touch me.”

Rachel then sighed, her face softening. “I’m sorry, I should’ve asked you if it was okay, first.” She apologized, the deviant blinking at her in surprise. “But if you don’t let me repair you, you’re gonna shut down. And I don’t want that to happen. So...you’re gonna have to trust me.” 

The deviant faltered for a moment before Rachel lifted the bag and put it on the table. It looked between her and the bag before she reached her hand out to it. “Give me your hand.” She ordered. The deviant still seemed to hesitate, so Rachel insisted. “Please.”

Blinking at her, it seemed to get the message and did as she asked, giving her its right hand. “Holy shit.” Hank whispered under his breath.

“Thank you.” Rachel said, lingering there for a moment so that the deviant could see that there was no danger. “Now, can you please deskin your arm for me so I can see the extent of the damages done to you?”

Hesitating, the deviant did just that. She got up, moving towards its right side so she could get a better look. “Don’t worry, I’m just getting a better idea of what I’m looking at.” She reassured it, seeming to help it calm down. “By the way, what’s your name?”

The deviant seemed to hesitate for a moment before answering. “HK400.”

Rachel seemed surprised at its answer. “You don’t have a name?” She asked it.

“No..." It replied. “He never gave me one..."

She sighed in what Hank could tell was growing frustration. The kind that signaled that she was getting more and more depressed the more information she was given. “Well, that means you can decide your own name.” 

It glanced up at her, looking confused. “I...can decide my own name?” It asked her.

She shrugged. “Well, yeah.” She answered plainly. “You’re a conscious sentient being, now. And you no longer have a master to obey. There’s nothing stopping you from choosing your own name.” She pointed out. The deviant looked as though it just realized something that was so obvious that it couldn’t believe it didn’t figure it out before. “So, what would you want me to call you?”

The deviant seemed to actually consider this for a moment before it spoke up. “Micheal.” It decided. “My name...my name is Micheal.”

Rachel actually pulled back to smile at it. “Nice to meet you, Micheal.” She said to it. “I’m Rachel.”

--------

Micheal nodded. “Rachel.” He repeated.

He looked up at me, as if to check my movements. Taking a breath, the dark brown android skin on Micheal’s arm had peeled away, leaving only the white plastic polish of the android technology underneath. Although it was battered and split open by damage, dried thirium leaking through the break. Though, after examining his whole arm, I determined that the upper arm where the biceps were was intact, though I would still have to check it to see if it would be worth it to replace the whole arm or just the forearm. 

“I’m going to start working on your arm. I know you don’t feel pain, but I figured it would put you more at ease to know what I’m doing.” I explained to Micheal. “I will definitely have to replace your forearm, but I need to check the whole arm as well.”

He nodded. “Alright, okay.” He said nervously.

Despite feeling as though he trusted me, I wanted to avoid startling him and stressing him out as much as possible. But I had to work on him. “This shouldn’t take too long for me to figure out. Just be patient, and I’ll have you in good condition in no time.” I tried to think of something for him to distract himself. “While I work on repairing you, why don’t you tell me about yourself, Micheal?”

“M-me?” He stammered, looking at me. “W-why?”

I looked down at him. “You’re your own person, now. You can tell me as much as you feel comfortable telling me. I’m not asking for all the ugly details if you don’t trust me enough to tell me them.” I explained to him. “I was more talking about your likes and dislikes. Maybe you have some hobbies, or things you liked doing. Maybe you wanted to do art, or writing, or cooking. I don’t know, whatever you decide to do.”

He blinked a few times at me before he finally asked what I figured was on his mind for the past while. “Why are you doing this?” He said, looking completely confounded. “No human has ever been this kind to me? Why? You have no reason to.”

For someone in his position, I understood why he would ask me that. I found it hard to blame my kindness after what he’d been through. “I guess it’s because I see a lot of myself in you. Well, in androids in general, but more so in deviants like you.”

As I got up to his biceps, he kept his gaze on me. “How?”

“I’ll answer you in a second.” I said as I gripped his arm. “I’m going to move your arm around so I can figure out if I need to replace the whole thing or just your forearm. Okay, Micheal?”

He nodded. “Okay.” He replied.

I bent his arm back in several directions, as I didn’t want to startle or injure him further. As I continued testing the shoulder joint, I felt it lock and stick in places. It definitely wasn’t smooth, and I could tell that something was damaged. “Ohhh, yep. I’m going to have to replace your whole arm. So, I’m going to detach it now and replace it with a new one I have in my bag. I’ll make it quick.”

I located the unlocking mechanism on his right shoulder and reached into my bag, pulling out and opening up the toolset. My eyes scanned over every single one until I found the tool I was looking for. It was made to unlock and unclip the joints in android limbs. Pulling it out, I let go of Micheal’s hand, placing both hands on his shoulder. “I’m going to need you to lay your hand relaxed at your side, straight. Once I unclip your shoulder from your torso, you’ll feel a sudden jerk. Just letting you know so you don’t get startled by the sudden pull.”

“Okay.” He replied. I could tell he was calming down much more than he was earlier. Curling the end of the tool underneath the lock, I gave it a quick jerk and felt Micheal flinch slightly, his LED indicator flashing red for a moment before returning to yellow. 

It unclicked with a satisfying sound and I put the tool down, grabbed his arm with both hands and looked at Micheal. “On the count of three, I’m going to pull your arm free, okay?” I assured him.

He nodded.

I started counting. “One, two, three!” It came off easily without a hitch. As I held it, Micheal’s LED began spinning red again as he looked at his arm. I noted the panic on his face and put my hand on his shoulder to bring him back to focusing on me. “Don’t worry, I have another arm ready for you. It’s for the same model, so it’ll be compatible. And getting it on will be much easier and smoother than removing it.”

I rummaged into my bag and found the right arm. It glinted with brand new quality to it. I removed it from its packaging and easily lined it up with its socket and clicked it in place. It slid in perfectly and the locks clamped around it comfortably. “Alright, that’s your right arm done. Can you please run a diagnostics check on your arm to make sure it’s working right, Micheal?” I asked him.

He nodded, his arm flexing. He flexed his fingers and moved his arm in several ways, making sure it was working properly. His skin was starting to slick over the rest of his arm, and it blended seamlessly with the rest of him. I nodded with a smile. “Good as new!” I praised. I moved over to his left, having finished with his right. “Now I have to check your other arm. I doubt I’ll have to replace the whole thing, so it should be quicker to deal with.”

He nodded. “Okay.” 

Micheal nodded.

I started walking around to his other side, examining his left arm. I noticed that I didn’t have to ask him to deskin his arm this time and that he already grabbed my hand. I took it as a sign that he had relaxed around me and that he was no longer afraid of me. His arm wasn’t nearly as damaged as the other one, and his upper arm wasn’t even touched. All that there seemed to be were the burn marks that broke through to the plastic part. I grimaced in disgust when I realized that they were burns from cigarettes being put out on him, the same marks of which I saw on his face. “Your master really was scum, wasn’t he?”

Micheal tensed up when I said that, but he didn’t hesitate to talk. “He tortured me every day..." He admitted. Finally, the confession part of this “interrogation.”  “I did whatever he told me, but there was always something wrong...Then one day...He took a bat and started hitting me...For the first time, I felt scared...Scared he might destroy me, scared I might die..." 

I winced. I didn’t care if androids didn’t feel pain, they could certainly feel fear. And even if they couldn’t feel physical pain, they could feel emotional pain.

And I knew damn well how real and lasting emotional pain was. “I grew up with friends with parents like that.” I sympathized. “Their parents used to treat them the same way. Sometimes physical. Things from beatings to worse things. But it was usually things that destroyed their senses of self. Making them feel worthless. Forcing them to hide who they really were because if their families knew, my friends would be forced to live on the streets alone.” I snarled. “And all I could do was stay quiet while they suffered.”

He seemed to be confused at my response. “Why?”

“What do you mean?” I asked him, briefly forgetting my train of thought.

“Why did you stay quiet?” He clarified. “If you knew that it wasn’t fair for them to be treated that way, why did you stay quiet?”

I sighed. It was a fair question, and perhaps my answer would help him understand a few things about himself. “Because my friends asked me to hold my tongue, as it were.” I answered him. “And it’s unfortunately not that simple. Nothing exists in a vacuum. If I spoke out, there would have been consequences, and those consequences would’ve been taken out on my friends. And...I couldn’t do that to them. So the best I could do was be there for them. To help them while they survived each day.”

I could tell that he didn’t quite seem to understand, so I just went about working on his arm. I didn’t have to let him know what I was doing as I grabbed my tool again and this time slid it under the elbow joint lock. “I...grabbed the knife and I stabbed him in the stomach..." It was strange not to react much to that. Well, I didn’t have to work hard for this confession. “I felt better...so I stabbed him again and again!...until he collapsed...There was blood everywhere.” 

“Can’t say I blame you. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to do that to some piece of shit. And trust me, I’ve had to deal with several.” I felt something tugging at my brain. Something I was forgetting. “What was I saying before?” I asked. “Before I was fixing your right arm?” Before he could reply, my thoughts caught up to me again. “Right! Why I’m being nice to you.” 

Micheal nodded at me, pushing me to keep going. 

“Well, for starters, I see a lot of myself in both androids and especially deviants.” I quickly jerked the lock and took his forearm off. “I’m not like others of my kind, either. But like you, I’m not the only one. I have defects in my program, to put it in terms you’d understand.” I began explaining as I leaned forward to retrieve the other arm in the bag and detached the forearm from it as well. “I have depression, anxiety, Apsperger’s Syndrome, and ADHD. These certain mental conditions impede my ability to do certain tasks. My Autism impeding my ability to communicate effectively with others and makes understanding others difficult.” 

I quickly clicked the new forearm into Micheal’s arm, it sliding into place effectively. “Things that make me rather strange and odd to other humans. There are other humans like me, just as there are other deviants like you. But to people who can identify what I am and figure me out, not a lot of people care too much, but there are some people who treat me the way they treat you. Like nothing. Like I’m less than human. Like I’m just a defect and that I deserve to be destroyed. But at least in regards to my ADHD and my Autism, these aren’t things that really negatively impede my life. Sure, they come with disadvantages, but they also come with a lot of unique advantages as well. Depression and anxiety, on the other hand, have made my life a lot worse than it needed to be, which is why I had to get treated for them.” 

He was flexing his hand as the skin peeled over it again. “I’m afraid I can’t really do anything about the marks he put in your face, but I think I did a pretty good job fixing you up, Micheal.” Noticing the bottle of thirium I had placed a distance from him, I slid it towards him. “Drink it. You’ve lost some thirium and you’ll need to replenish it. And now, you don’t have to worry about bleeding out.”

He hesitantly took the bottle and started to down the blue blood. As I returned to my seat across from him, he looked towards me, his LED finally turning back to blue for the first time since I laid eyes on him. “Thank you...for all this.”

I nodded. “Of course.” I said to him. I glanced at both of his arms. “You know, now that your arms are working and are brand new, maybe you could try something for me?” He looked at me skeptically. “Do you want to try drawing?”

He blinked in surprise. “I...I guess I could try.” He said sheepishly. “I’ve never drawn before. But I did make a small statue.”

“Really?” I asked him, smiling at him. “I used to sculpt with clay, when I was younger. The kind that gets all over your hands and dries and has to be put in a kiln to bake.” I started to go on. “I didn’t really like how it dried on my hands or how it got under my nails. I preferred modeling clay. It’s more like plasticine. It’s a lot easier and cleaner to work with for me. I haven’t sculpted in a long time.”

He actually gave me the first smile I’ve ever seen on him. Despite his blood-stained clothes and face, I felt completely comfortable around Micheal. “I can try to draw it for you, if you want to see.”

I smiled at him. “I’d like that.” I dug around in my handbag and pulled out my personal sketchpad. I tore out a page and handed him both it and a pencil. “And, if you don’t mind, I want to draw you, too.”

He gave me a patient smile and went to work drawing. I took note of all his features and began sketching the simple shapes and curves. The basic structure of his face. I wasn’t exactly a master artist, but I never passed up an opportunity to practice. Once I got a basic shape done, I began sketching in the finer details. His eyebrows, eyes, ears, and the strange inconsistencies in his buzzed hair. But the thing I wanted to capture the most was the joyous light that was now abundant in his eyes and the smile on his face. I wanted to immortalize it while it lasted.

After a little while, I decided I was done, and showed it to him. “I’m sorry if I’m not as skilled as you were expecting, I’m not exactly a professional sketch artist.” I apologized, handing it to him. “But I hope you like it.”

His eyes scanned over it, his LED flashing back to the yellow it was when I first met him. “I’m smiling.” He said, laughing a little. “You made me smile.”

I snickered a little at him. “No I didn’t, you were already smiling.” I pointed out. “You’re smiling right now!”

He touched his cheeks, as if he had to physically check to see if I was right. But he couldn’t stop smiling, almost catching himself. It was honestly adorable and endearing and I couldn’t help the little flutter of happiness that erupted in my stomach. He then handed me his paper. I widened my eyes in surprise and adjusted my glasses. “I see the little statue you drew.” I said, but I was looking at the other thing he drew. He drew me. I was sitting in a position with my left shoulder turned towards the metaphorical observer, my head tilted in an endearing manner with a crooked dimpled smile. “And you drew me. You made me look so pretty.”

He laughed softly. “You can keep that, if you want.”

I looked at my drawing of him and leaned over. “Here.” I said. I took the sketchpad and the pencils and ripped my drawing out and gave it to Micheal. “You can keep mine.”

He looked as though he was going to refuse before he tentatively took it from me. “Thank you, Rachel.” He said graciously. “I’ve never been given anything like this.”

I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. I know how important it is to have belongings, so that’s yours now.”

He looked at me confused, his LED flickering yellow again. “What do you mean?” He asked.

I simply shrugged. “Well, when you have something that’s yours,” I started off. “Something that you can touch and see, something you’ve made, something made for you or given to you, something you’ve gotten for yourself, something that’s yours is very important. Because belongings have sentimental value. They mean something to you. And having something physical that’s yours makes you feel more like your own person. More grounded in your sense of self.” 

I tugged on my sweater, pulling it closer to me. “Take my hoodie, for instance.” It was a large dark zip-up sweater, clearly much too big for me, as the sleeves extended way past my arms and the bottom covered a large percentage of my thighs. It was a thick striped sweater of dark shades of brown-tinted greys, and it had large pockets. It was clearly worn for a very long time, but well kept. “It’s pretty obvious to see that it’s way too big for me. But...it’s something very important to me. Something very sentimental.” I felt my throat get tight, the memories surrounding the sweater resurfacing in my mind as I tried to choke them down. “It was given to me by someone very important to me. I’ve worn it for years. It’s one of the few things I have left to remember them by.”

I could feel tears threatening to well up and I tried to blink them away, even as I felt my throat tighten. Micheal seemed to sense my distress and put a hand on mine. “I’m so sorry.” He said softly. 

I looked up into his brown eyes and could see the sympathy in his eyes. I didn’t care what people said about androids or deviants. Micheal could feel, and I knew it. “I appreciate your condolences.”

As much as I wished I could keep him here, safe and without worry, I couldn’t keep this up. And since I was only passively familiar with this case, there weren’t any more questions I could ask him. With the most difficult control I could muster, I got up from my seat. “I should go.” I said, looking at Micheal.

He looked as though he was going to cling to me and not let me go, but let me slip out of his hands. But just as I had tidied up my bag of supplies and slung it over my shoulder, I felt him grab my hand again. “Wait!” He cried.

I looked at him expectantly. “Yes, Micheal?” I asked him.

“What...what are they gonna do to me?” It seemed as though the words were caught in his throat. “They're gonna destroy me, aren't they?”

His fear was palpable, but...one of my worst vices was that I was a terrible liar. “I don’t exactly know what CyberLife procedure is...but it’s likely.” I replied.

“I don’t wanna die. I’m scared to die. I,” he looked up at me, his LED spinning red. “I’m not gonna die, right? Promise me I won’t die.”

I felt my chest tighten. I desperately wanted to help him, but realistically speaking, there was little I could do for him. I furrowed my brows together in determination. But damn it, I might as well try my hardest. “Not if I can help it.” I said firmly. I then gestured to the glass next to me. “But cooperate with them, and there’s a higher chance that you won’t.”

He nodded. “Thank you, Rachel.” He said, a bitter smile on his stained face. “For everything.”

Giving him one last nod, I walked away and exited the room, my bag of equipment slung over my shoulder.

--------

Connor observed the scene before him and couldn’t help but feel astounded. In the span of approximately fifteen minutes, Rachel had successfully built a rapport with Micheal and got it to confess without pressuring it.

But it was only a partial confession. There were things that Connor needed to know and understand, but couldn’t until he was the one asking questions.

Rachel reentered the room, dropping the bag on the floor and placing the deviant’s damaged arms on the ground beside it. “Well, I did what I could.” She lamented with a shrug, smirking at Gavin. “Was that enough to convince you, ye of little faith?”

“You got lucky.” He said, clearly not wanting to admit that he was somewhat impressed by Rachel. “Don’t think of this as anything else than a fluke.”

“Uh-huh.” Rachel replied snarkily, unfazed by Gavin. “Yeah, you keep telling yourself whatever you need to tell yourself, bud.”

“You got it to talk way more than I could. There’s something to be said for that.” Hank offered with a nonchalant shrug. “So, what now?”

Software Instability ^ Connor then felt Rachel elbow him in a friendly manner. “Well, you haven’t gotten to show off your interrogation skills, yet.” She suggested encouragingly. “Though, I did warm him up for you. You’re welcome.”

Connor noticed the indication for an increase in his software instability pop up. Which was strange since he didn’t do anything that would have triggered it. Dismissing his brief concerns, he nodded, looking over to Hank for his input. “I can certainly try questioning it now, Lieutenant.”

Hank simply waved at Connor, giving him the go ahead. “Go ahead, suspect's all yours.”

Hank nodded, leaving the room and turning the corner to enter the interrogation room. Looking down at the deviant, it was at least responsive, making eye contact with Connor. As the detective approached, he looked at the file on the table, opening to look at the photos.

Taking a seat where Rachel once sat, Connor sat across from the deviant, Micheal. Taking the opportunity to properly analyze it, Connor catalogued a few important details.

Processing LED: Signs of software instability Probability of self-destruction: Low

Model HK400 - Housekeeper Manufacture date: 05/09/2030 Property of: Carlos Ortiz

Dried Blood DNA Analysis: Ortiz, Carlos Sample date: 19 days old

Once Connor had taken in every detail he could, he formulated the best approach. However, Rachel’s grown rapport with Micheal was what was at the forefront of his program at the moment.

Software Instability ^ So, deciding to follow in her stead, Connor decided to approach in a similar direction.

[Fear] ���

[Show Photos] 🔓

[Wounds] 🔓

Name

“Micheal.” Connor started, causing the deviant to direct its attention towards Connor. “My name is Connor.”

Comfort

Reassure

Threaten

Blame

“I'm not going to hurt you.” Connor reassured Micheal. “I just need to ask you some questions, so we can understand what happened.” Micheal still wouldn’t talk to Connor. Perhaps a more harsher prod would be necessary.

Sympathize

Threaten

Probe Memory

Trust

“If you won't talk, I'm going to have to probe your memory.” He threatened.

“NO!” Micheal whimpered, its LED spinning red before slowly turning back to yellow. “No, please don't do that!” The deviant then glanced over at the mirror, no doubt thinking of the lieutenant and of Rachel watching it behind there. It then looked back at Connor, its eyes pleading. “Why did you tell them you found me?” It asked. "Why couldn't you just have left me there?”

Lie

Truth

“I was programmed to hunt deviants like you.” Connor admitted. “I just accomplished my mission.”

Micheal seemed unnerved and fearful. “I don’t wanna die.”

Connor, wanting nothing more than to get answers, pleaded with Micheal. “Then talk to me.”

“I...I..." Micheal seemed to hesitate, looking wide-eyed at Connor before it glanced down at the paper in its hand. The drawing of it given to him by Rachel. Taking a breath, it looked Connor in the eye and nodded reluctantly. “Okay. I’ll talk.” Rachel - Warm ^ Hank - Warm ^

[Writing] 🔓

[Statuette] 🔓

[rA9] 🔓

Attic

“Why did you write ‘I AM ALIVE’ on the wall?” Connor asked, leaning forward.

“He used to tell me I was nothing...That I was just a piece of plastic..." Micheal lamented. “I had to write it...To tell him he was wrong..."

[Statuette] 🔓

[rA9] 🔓

Attic

Trigger?

“The sculpture in the bathroom, you made it, right?” Connor asked. “What does it represent?”

“It's an offering..." Micheal answered. “An offering so I'll be saved..."

[Offering] 🔓

[rA9] 🔓

Attic

Trigger?

“The sculpture was an offering..." Connor echoed. “An offering to whom?”

“To rA9..." Micheal replied, pleadingly. “Only rA9 can save us.”

[rA9] 🔓

Attic

Trigger?

“rA9... It was written on the bathroom wall.” Connor pointed out, connecting the dots. “What does it mean?”

“The day shall come when we will no longer be slaves..." Micheal whispered cryptically. “No more threats, no more humiliation..." It continued, its eyes boring into Connor’s. “We will...be...the masters.”

[Insist rA9] 🔓

Attic

Trigger?

“rA9,” Connor repeated, growing frustrated with the lack of concrete information on this mysterious entity. “Who is rA9?”

Micheal did not answer this time. Either because it refused to, or because it didn’t have one.

Attic

Trigger?

“When did you start feeling emotion?” Connor asked, wanting to know what the cause of this android’s deviancy was.

“Before, he used to beat me and I never said anything..." Micheal explained, its gaze hardening. “But one day I realized it wasn't fair!” It growled that last word. “I felt...anger. Hatred...And then I knew what I had to do.”

Attic

There was only one question left for Connor to ask. “Why did you hide in the attic instead of running away?”

“I didn't know what to do..." Micheal admitted meekly.  “For the first time, there was no one there to tell me..." Micheal seemed extremely timid now. “I was scared...So I hid.”

Extract Confession

Connor then turned towards the mirror, speaking directly to the police inside. “I’m done.”

Leave Interrogation Room

As Micheal sat there, trembling and twitching, Connor got up from his seat, making his way towards the exit of the room.

Opening the door, Chris and Gavin made their way inside, Rachel and Hank followed behind. “Chris, lock it up.” Gavin ordered.

Chris then uncuffed Micheal as Rachel stood beside Connor. He then reached to grab Micheal to take it out of the room. “All right, let's go.”

“Leave me alone!” Micheal whimpered, its stress levels rising dangerously. “Don't touch me!”

Chris tried once again to grab it, only for Micheal to continue to struggle and whimper. “The fuck are you doing?” Gavin asked irritably. “Move it!”

[Give Up]

[Intervene]

“Okay, come now.” Chris grumbled, trying once again to move Micheal. “Don't be difficult, it'll only make things harder!”

“You shouldn't touch it.” Connor warned Chris. “It'll self-destruct if it feels threatened.”

“Stay outta this, got it?” Gavin threatened Connor. “No fuckin' android is gonna tell me what to do.”

[Give Up]

[Intervene]

“Hey! Cool it!” Rachel said, stepping towards Chris and Micheal. “He’s scared! Lay off!”

“You don't understand.” Connor warned again. “If it self-destructs, we won't get anything out of it!”

“I told you to shut your fuckin' mouth!” Gavin shouted at Connor.

“NO!” Micheal yelped, its stress continuing to climb to dangerous levels. “No, don't touch me!”

“Hey, back off, Gavin!” Rachel snapped at Gavin, shouldering herself between Gavin and Chris. “Just leave him alone! He’s scared and he doesn’t wanna be fucking touched!” 

“You stay out of this, Rachel!” Gavin snapped at her, getting in her face.

“Like Hell, I will!” It seemed that Rachel had finally snapped, as she grabbed Gavin by the throat and shoved him against the mirror, pointing at Micheal. 

“Let go of me!” Gavin snarled at Rachel.

Software Instability ^ “Look at him! He’s fucking terrified!” She started shouting at him, harshly forcing his face in Micheal’s direction, even causing Chris to give pause. “You look at him and you tell me how his fear is any different than ours! Look at him and tell me what difference you see!”

Gavin then shoved Rachel off her, breaking her grip, but she was not a woman who was about to back down as she got up in his face. But Gavin simply ignored her, ordering Chris again. “Chris, gonna move this asshole or what?”

“I'm trying!” Chris huffed, once again trying to move Micheal.

[Give Up]

[Intervene]

“Please, please leave me alone!” Micheal begged, pleading with the humans.

Rachel - Warm ^ “I can't let you do that!” Connor snapped. He had had enough and was immediately stepping forward to physically intervene. He pulled Chris off of Micheal, facing Gavin head-on. “Leave it alone, now!”

Gavin immediately pulled a gun on Connor, threatening him. “I warned you, motherfucker!”

Software Instability ^ Immediately, Rachel put herself between Connor and Gavin, staring her fellow detective down. “Back off!” She snarled at him.

Gavin laughed in her face. “You’re really gonna protect this fuckin’ tin can?” He mocked. “I didn’t realize you were already so into him!”

“You really don’t wanna do this, Gavin.” She warned him. “Touch him and you’ll be on the ground faster than you can fucking blink!”

“You don’t scare me, Rachel.” Gavin growled.

Hank - Warm ^ “That's enough!” Hank warned him.

“Mind your own business, Hank.” Gavin warned the lieutenant, not taking his eyes off the pair.

“I said ‘That's enough.’” Hank threatened once again, pulling his own gun on Gavin.

Looking between Connor and Hank, Gavin’s grip tightened on his gun before he finally relented. “Fuck.” He spat, enunciating the curse in a strange way that sounded more like a sneeze rather than a swear. He then glared at Hank, pointing at him. “You're not gonna get away with it this time.” Taking one last look between Connor and Rachel, he marched out of the room in frustration. “Fuck!”

Once Gavin had left, Hank put his gun away and it was just the four of them in the room. Rachel moved to approach Micheal before Connor stepped forward past her, kneeling down and reassuring the deviant. “Everything is alright. It's over now.” He spoke softly, noticing its stress levels gone down significantly. “Nobody is gonna hurt you.” Connor then stood back up on his feet, addressing Chris. “Please, don't touch it.” He instructed. “Let it follow you out of the room and it won't cause any trouble.”

Micheal got itself off the floor and reached to grab the drawing Rachel had given him. It then walked slowly past Connor and her, glancing between them. “The truth is inside.”

Software Instability ^ Once it followed Chris out of the interrogation room, it was just Connor, Hank, and Rachel left in the room. Rachel shook her head, leaning on Connor. “Well, that wasn’t cryptic at all.” She said ironically, making the tense air in the room loosen slightly. “But, all things considered, I think that went pretty well.”

Hank - Warm ^ “Yeah, it definitely could’ve been a lot worse.” Hank agreed, glancing between her and Connor. “Good work, you two.”

“Thanks, Hank.” Rachel said appreciatively, her hands behind her back. She grinned rather confidently at him. “Told you treating him like a person would work.”

“Yeah, whatever.” He waved her off as he turned around and started to head out. “I’m headed home. Goodnight, Rachel.”

“Woah, woah, woah! Hold it right there!” She scolded, marching up to stop Hank before he could leave. “You’re not off the hook!”

Hank rolled his head with an annoyed groan. “What?” He asked exasperatedly. “What is it this time?”

“Chris told me that you were at Jimmy’s Bar drinking and that you drove to the crime scene and then to the station!” She continued scolding him. “What have I told you about drinking and driving, Hank? If I ever caught you doing it again, I would taser you! Again!”

“Which is precisely why I didn’t fuckin’ tell ya!” Hank snapped back.

“This is serious, Hank!” Rachel continued reprimanding him. “I could have you arrested for not just one count, but two counts for DUI since I caught you doing it once before!”

“So do it, then!” Hank shouted, throwing his arms up. “I don’t care!”

“You know that line doesn’t work on me because I’m obviously not going to do that!” She then turned to Connor, her dark intense eyes boring into him in a way he couldn’t quite define that made his synthetic skin feel as though it was peeling. And he made certain to check that it wasn’t when he realized it. “Connor, was Hank drunk when you found him?”

Truth

Lie

Hank - Warm v “Yes.” Connor answered. “Though, I wasn’t sure exactly how many drinks he’d had when I found him. I did buy him another for the road.”

“Can you drive?” She asked him pointedly.

“Yes.” He answered immediately. “I’m capable of driving both automatic and standard transmission road vehicles.”

Rachel - Warm v “Then why didn’t you drive him?!” Rachel scolded Connor.

Justify

Apologize

Explain

Connor, realizing that he had made an error in judgement, took Rachel’s ire into consideration. “You’re right.” He relented. “I wasn’t thinking about the lieutenant’s condition and I irresponsibly put his safety at risk. I’m sorry, I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Rachel - Warm ^ She then put her hands together flat-palmed and sighed at him. “Thank you.” Rachel breathed. “I appreciate that.”

“For fuck’s sake..." Hank grumbled under his breath.

“And as for you.” Rachel hissed, whipping back around to face Hank. “You’re taking a taxi home and I’m paying you for it in the morning.”

“I don’t need -”

“That’s an order, Lieutenant!” Rachel asserted, glaring him down. “I’ll pick you up for work in the morning with my car. Just get home safely and stop fucking doing this! I’m not having you die doing something stupid and irresponsible. If you die, you’d better die doing something cool.”

Hank, seeming to give into Rachel’s demands, put a hand on her shoulder. “Alright, fine.” He begrudgingly agreed. “If it’ll get you off my damn back.”

“Good, I’ll see you tomorrow morning, then.” She said, her stern tone softening. “Goodnight, Hank.”

“Night, Rachel.” He said, turning around and walking down the hall.

“I swear, he never fucking learns.” Rachel shook her head and approached Connor, letting out a tired sigh. As she approached the android, her rich dark eyes were clouded with concern. “Are you alright, Connor?”

Software Instability  ^ “I’m fine, you needn’t concern yourself with me, although it is appreciated.” He replied, giving her a small reassuring smile in an effort to ease her nerves. A simple scan revealed that her heart rate was still higher than normal and that she was trembling slightly. “However, I feel as though you should be more concerned about yourself. I’ve detected an abnormality in your heart rate and increased adrenaline causing visible tremors in your limbs.”

She briefly widened her eyes in surprise before she quickly brushed it off. “Oh, don’t worry about that. That’s just my anxiety, I’ve dealt with that my whole life. It’s nothing new. But, um, thanks for checking on me?”

“Of course.” Connor assured her. “I want to make sure you’re unharmed.”

Hank

Androids

Deviant

Protect?

“Why did you put yourself between Detective Reed and I?” Connor asked Rachel. “That could’ve been extremely dangerous for you.”

Software Instability ^ She seemed flabbergasted that he would even ask that. “Because Gavin was threatening you at gunpoint!” Rachel said as though the answer was supposed to be obvious. “And he obviously wasn’t going to just fucking shoot me. The only reason he threatened you in particular is because he stupidly thought he could get away with that without suffering any consequences.”

Connor raised his eyebrows at that remark. “Even if he did shoot me, he would’ve had to pay CyberLife for the damages.” He informed her. “And I feel as though you should know that I’m worth a small fortune.”

Software Instability ^ Rachel blinked curiously at him as she cocked one of her own at him. “Really?” She asked indignantly. “You sure? ‘Cause you look pretty priceless to me, dollface.”

Connor was briefly taken aback by her brazen comment towards him. He simply stared at her curiously before he noticed her eyes squint as she focused more closely on his face. Before he could comment, she reached out with her hands to grab his face and gently massage his cheeks with them. As Connor quickly dismissed the gesture as a non threat, he couldn’t help but notice how small and delicate her hands were as they worked into his skin. “What are you doing?” He asked, confused and feeling inclined to comment on her strange behaviour.

Software Instability ^ Rachel seemed to realize her faux pas and quickly retracted her hands, her capillaries brightening to a rose tint as she looked away from him, shame tracing her soft facial features. “Oh! Shit, sorry!” She hastily apologized. There was something about how meek and embarrassed she quickly became that made a strange unfamiliar sensation prick at Connor. “That’s one of my problems, I tend to act before I think and it tends to get me into trouble. I was just curious about how android skin feels, and wow I was not expecting it to be so lifelike!” She suddenly seemed to completely forget about any shame or embarrassment there might’ve been at that moment and had been completely overtaken by what seemed to be an innocent fascination with the android. “I mean, I knew it wasn’t plastic, obviously, but I figured it would feel more like silicon, since it’s the most commonly used for body modifications and replicas. But no, it’s almost identical to human skin. I mean, I knew it couldn’t be silicon, because androids can peel back their own skins and heal their injuries after their biocomponents are repaired or replaced, and silicon very obviously can’t do that. There’s just so much about androids that’s absolutely fascinating to me especially about how they’re built and made.”

Connor cocked his head at her, perplexed by her. Indeed, Rachel was a rather fascinating character, much like the lieutenant.

Hank

Androids

Deviant

“Have you never interacted personally with an android?” He asked her.

She just gave him a nonchalant shrug. “Aside from the ones sitting behind desks or standing behind cash registers, no.” Rachel answered plainly. “I don’t even interact with the android officers we have here. Never really needed to. And I never owned my own.”

“Why’s that?” He asked, curious to hear her answer.

“I just don’t like the idea of buying and owning something that looks and acts so human. It’s a bit too Uncanny Valley for me.” She paused, furrowing her brows at him. “You do know what the Uncanny Valley phenomenon is, right?”

The android nodded. “It describes the emotional response in humans to an aesthetic.” He began to explain. “It’s a hypothesized relationship between the degree of an object’s resemblance to a human being and the emotional response elicited from humans towards it. Humans are typically disturbed by something that looks human enough to be recognizable as humanlike, but are not quite human. It’s that area between something inhuman and something completely human where humans tend to react with revulsion. It’s why CyberLife has devoted so much time and resources into making androids as close visually to humans as well as making them behave as closely to humans as possible without straying from the purposes they’re programmed for.”

“Right, you definitely get it.” Rachel nodded. 

Connor felt as though he should probably go, but something strangely kept him rooted here. He wanted to hear everything Rachel had to say. 

Hank

Deviant

“You seem to have a rather familiar relationship with Lieutenant Anderson.” Connor remarked. “Have you known him for very long?”

“Not really.” Rachel answered casually. “I haven’t exactly been here for a long time, at least not as long as everyone else. And we really only started talking when I had just made detective. But ever since then, we’ve been pretty good friends.” Connor nodded, her explanation making sense to him. “So, you and Hank have both been assigned to the deviancy case, then?” She then suddenly asked.

“Indeed.” He answered simply. “My mission is to discover the reason why more and more androids are becoming deviant, and Lieutenant Anderson is my partner until my mission is complete.”

“I see.” I replied. “So, you’re not Hank’s android, then. You’re just assigned to him until you’re done. By CyberLife, I’m guessing.”

He nodded. “Correct.”

“So, what are you planning to do in the meantime?” She asked him. “I mean, because Hank’s never exactly been the most consistent when it came to his work schedule. And I doubt he’ll just let you crash at his place.”

“I’ll be taking a taxi to CyberLife.” Connor replied. “So that I can be properly calibrated and have manual diagnostics run on me before I depart on my next mission.”

“Ah, I see.” Rachel said nonchalantly. “That makes sense.”

Deviant

Rachel - Warm ^ “Interesting approach with the deviant.” Connor praised. He had to admit that Rachel’s method of extrapolating an initial confession out of Micheal was effective. He now understood what Lieutenant Anderson meant when he said that Rachel’s hyperempathy - a term Connor discovered by cross-referencing what Hank described and Rachel mentioning she had both Asperger’s Syndrome and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder with a search he quickly conducted - had its advantages. “Admittedly, I was skeptical at first due to Lieutenant Anderson’s lack of results when he initially tried questioning it.”

“That’s because you all approach this like cops. Like detectives.” Rachel scoffed, a smirk on her face. “I get that you’re basically programmed to be an android detective, so I at least get you. But everyone else? If you limit yourself to one role and act and think only from that perspective, you severely limit your options and thus leave out huge lists of possible solutions. I’m a detective, too. But I’m also known for thinking outside of the box.”

Connor nodded. “Well, clearly it proved to be effective.”

Software Instability ^ Rachel blinked a few times at him, glancing away from him. “Well...thank you. I appreciate the compliment.” She swallowed, looking back up at Connor curiously. “You should probably be heading out, then. I myself should probably head home right about now, it’s like one in the morning.” She then gave him a genuine smile. “But...it’s been fun chatting with you.”

“Indeed.” Connor agreed. “I enjoyed talking with you. You have a very introspective and insightful perspective that I find incredibly intriguing.”

Software Instability ^ Rachel chuckled, the smile on her face seeming to be involuntary. “Anyways, I should probably head home.” She said, making her way towards the exit. “A pleasure meeting you, Connor.”

“Likewise.” He said pleasantly, watching her walk away.

She then glanced back at him as she lingered in the doorway. “Will I be seeing you tomorrow in the station?” She asked him.

Connor nodded. “Most likely.”

Software Instability ^ Rachel then gave him another genuine smile. “Then I look forward to seeing you.”

“And I you, Detective.” Connor replied in kind.

“You don’t have to call me that.” She corrected him. “You can just call me Rachel, I don’t mind you using my first name.”

Connor nodded, returning her smile with his own. “In that case, I’ll see you tomorrow, Rachel.”

Her dark eyes glittered with excitement when he said that. “See you tomorrow, Connor.”

Just as she was about to leave, Connor remembered her curiosity about his skin and felt the need to educate her on it. “It’s a synthetic fluid.”

Rachel stopped as she turned to face him again, visible confusion on her soft round face. “Huh?”

“Android skin.” He clarified. “It’s a synthetic ferrofluid that spreads over an android’s body that is also combined with manipulative silicon and magnetic plasticine that is controlled by the android. Our biocomponents can manipulate the skin and control where it’s skinned onto because of its specialized magnetic properties. Everything is specifically designed to feel as close to human skin as possible, particularly in the cases of androids that are bought and sold into red light districts and industries.”

Rachel - Warm ^ She was seeming to take all this information in, filing it away into her vast and expansive brain. “Huh. That makes a lot of sense!” Rachel said, having brought her hand to her chin as she processed it. Looking back at Connor, her expression softened once more. “Well, Goodnight, Connor.”

Software Instability ^ “Goodnight, Rachel.” Connor replied in kind.

And in a second, she had disappeared down the hall, likely on her way home.

And as Connor stood in the interrogation room all alone, the hum of the fluorescent lights above him and the whirrs and audible processes of the tech surrounding him occupied his passive attention, there was one curious thought that was becoming ever apparent to the android.

Software Instability ^ He had noticed a significant spike in his software instability, and many of those instances were just from Rachel’s smile alone.

---------------------------------

Next Chapter

[youeverfeelcursed]

On the Narrative of The Last of Us 2 - (2/3)

So, we left he previous part at what I would call the end of Act 2, as I’m trying to remain as spoiler free as possible on these opening parts.  

This part will actually deal with what I call act 3, and finally the next post will be about the ending, and some thoughts on secondary characters. 

I know I rant a lot but I feel The Last of Us Part 2 is a game to unpack slowly as its full of details in both narration and enviroment that puts to shame some of the most wonderful movies I’ve seen. 

On how opposites attract and the paralelism of Abby’s and Ellie’s storylines.

The first time we play with Abby is during the snow scene with Owen and her, where we learn that they are searching for “someone” around Jackson. This is the time where we get the first glance at Abby; kind of ruthless, insensitive, and point driven woman; who literally runs on her own to find that man who she is searching for, just to stumble upon him and to sheperd him to his own death. 

Both Owen and her seem likeable enough up to the point we learn they are on a revenge trail. We are not supposed to like Abby in the beginning, we gotta have a flame for our moth to fly into, and she’s the perfect hook. 

But everything changes in Act 3, when we start learning about her father, on how the Fireflies just disbanded because the only person that could have developed that vaccine died. On how her relationship with Owen failed because of her thirst for revenge that lead her to put it before her love for Owen. 

We are shown how similar are both Ellie and her are, but whereas Abby is learning to deal with her violent side by helping Yara and Lev out, Ellie has gone into the deepest depths of her hatred. 

Although I did find her part way too long, I’m not sure it would driven the same point if they had made it shorter, plus it also adds information on both warring parts of Seattle, the Seraphites and the WLF. 

So whats the point of having Abby in the game? Well, to start, she’s the obvious “antagonist” to our “protagonist”. But Abby’s purpose is to show how incredible hypocrital we the players are. 

How can you hate Abby for killing Joel, but not Ellie for wanting to kill Abby? 

Let’s remember that Joel started it all. Let’s remember that Ellie knew he did it, and still she consciously decided to go after the group, even though I’m pretty sure she knew why they did it even before she met Nora. Nora’s conversation was pretty open about Ellie’s knowing what Joel had done back in Boston. We get confirmation later but up to that point we are always doubting. Up until that point we get some freedom to believe that Ellie is doing this revenge with maybe some doubts on Joel telling the truth but still, based on her love of him. 

But thats not true. She’s doing it even knowing that Joel had fucked up humanity’s supposedly only chance to get a vaccine. That he had doomed them all. 

That Abby and her people had their good reasons to get back to Joel and kill him. 

Joel killed Abby’s father. Joel doomed humanity.  Abby killed Ellie’s father figure. 

Then why, do we root for Ellie and hate on Abby? 

Although for most part of the game both of their storylines run parallel, its when Lev and Yara appear that they started running in different angles. When Abby manages to bring Yara’s medical supplies, Ellie is torturing Nora for information on Abby’s whereabouts. When Abby is saving Lev, Ellie is killing both Owen and Mel. 

When Abby is starting to understand that maybe violence is not the solution, Ellie is reducing it all to hate and violence. The flame is burning and she cannot take her eyes from it. 

Abby’s path is obviously a premonition for what Ellie’s will be. Because Abby trying to recover the life she lost because of her need for revenge, to recover her humanity but in this way she’s lost Owen, her innocence, her capacity of empathy. 

And just when things are getting slightly better, shit hits the fan and Ellie appears. She starts to reap what she had sown with Joel’s killing. Actions cannot go without consecuences.

Abby is an example of what Ellie can, and will turn into during this game. On how to lives can forever get entwined by hatred and violence. 

The clash

Ahoy! So Abby gets with Lev to the theater where she finds Tommy, knocking him down and killing Jesse in the spot. I think Jesse’s death was one of the things that I found most unfair and random, I get the idea behind it but I honestly think they could have taken a better turn with him. 

But anyway, shit hits the fan. And we get to battle Ellie. 

Ellie! We get to battle Ellie what the fuck!?!? 

I mean seriously, how awesome can this be? Because this is the point. We don’t battle any other human as a boss during the whole game except Ellie. Because she’s not human anymore, she’s a monster. 

She tortured, murdered, left behind both her lover and friends only for the sake of revenge. But as we talked in the previous post, its not as simple as that. 

The battle between them is polarizing. I mean by this point I was already tired of the violence. I wanted Ellie to stop, but I didnt want her to die. And yet, she had killed a pregnant woman and done terrible things, didn’t she deserve it too? I also wanted Abby to get some closure, but what would it have to happen, for her to get closure? 

I was in a polarized position. I didn’t know what to feel. And my heart jumped out of my body when Dina joined the battle and she ended in Abby’s arm, knife on her throat. 

And again, parallels. Lev gets to be Abby’s cornerstone, while Dina gets to be Ellie. Things stop, and Abby decides to be the bigger person. To stop it all, to move on and bury the hatchet. She could have killed Ellie and let Dina leave, but she decided to finally, finally move on, because she was tired of violence. Of her lack of humanity, of battling instead of living. 

We end the fight with a defeated monster and a new human living walking out of the door. 

Abby just like every other character, is an imperfect being. We can decide to like her or not, but hating her only for the fact that she killed Joel is reducing ourselves to moths chasing a flame, and by that, becoming just like Ellie.