#like wait i can kind of very openly see you as an extension of myself and you LIKE it? jackpot

[tomwambsgans]

tomgreg is about the fantasy of being able to find someone who genuinely likes that you're mean and in fact thrives very well being needed in the particular kind of fucked up way that you need someone which makes it so you don't actually have to work that much to strip away your superiority complex in order to be loved for who you are

[kindofwriter]

Pt. 1

Pt. 2 of ‘The Gang Meets Wilde’

Sorry for the long post, I have an illegal number of pictures, so it won’t let me format :|

Now that I’ve got all the Zoscar out of my system I’m going to do every Sasha scene ever bc she’s the love of my life.

Also, I don’t think Zolf had any healing magic left at this point, but even way back when I first listened I imagined him immediately trying (and only partially succeeding) to heal Wilde. I just wanted someone to take my soft poetry boy away from Bertie!

Transcript under the cut:

ZOLF places a hand gently on SASHA's upper arm. She looks down at him, then reluctantly backs up with the dagger. WILDE stands and smooths his waistcoat. SASHA is still stood uncomfortably close to him.

WILDE: I just thought you might-

HAMID: What is your job?

ZOLF: Actually, just before, that, Hamid?

ZOLF: Actually, just before, that, Hamid?

ZOLF: Actually, just before, that, Hamid?

WILDE (TRYING TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ZOLF): What isn't?!

ZOLF: Ah, lo-, shut up- Hamid? A word, please?

BERTIE: I've got a thing or two in mind...

HAMID nods and starts to lead ZOLF into his bedroom. As they leave ZOLF tries to throw BERTIE a dirty look, but he's already back to making eyes at WILDE. ZOLF instead throws SASHA a sympathy glance, before the door shuts behind him and HAMID.

ZOLF: You realise that what we're actually doing is kind of a bit... secret, international, governmental level... So we probably just shouldn't be telling him about-

HAMID: Yes, of course, I won't tell him about that.

ZOLF: (WITH SOME DOUBT) Okay, just making sure.

CUT TO LIVING ROOM

SASHA has backed even further away from WILDE, though she is still pointing her dagger at him in a threatening manner. WILDE has sidled up to BERTIE and is running a finger along his breast plate.

WILDE: That's very fine armour, is that all yours? I mean, does it fit, is it exaggerating? I'm just curious.

BERTIE (NOT SO MUCH FLIRTING AS ENJOYING THE OPPORTUNITY TO BRAG): Oh, no, this is a very real representation of what lies beneath.

The bedroom door opens and HAMID then ZOLF reemerge, ZOLF looking slightly annoyed at himself for pulling HAMID aside for what was seemingly nothing.Taking in SASHA's perplexed expression, HAMID pushes his way between BERTIE and WILDE and begins to pour her a whiskey.

WILDE: See, isn't this nice? Everyone's getting together-

WILDE gazes at BERTIE over HAMID's head.

WILDE: Everyone's having a good time.

HAMID passes the drink to SASHA.

SASHA: You're all okay with the fact that this guy's been stalking us?

HAMID looks from SASHA to WILDE, who has once against closed the gap between himself and BERTIE and leaning seductively against the mantle.

HAMID: I don't think he's a threat. Let's- We'll talk to him, we'll find out-

WILDE: (TURNING DRAMATICALLY AWAY FROM BERTIE) Woah now! Threat, really?

Having lost WILDE's attention, BERTIE begins to examine his own armour. WILDE steps into the centre of the room. It's clearly not meant as a threatening gesture, but with BERTIE on the other side of the room WILDE easily towers over HAMID, ZOLF, and SASHA.

HAMID: Let's all just relax.

SASHA: Just 'cause someone's charming doesn't mean they're not a threat.

ZOLF: I mean, I was really hoping to have a debrief and actually do some work.

WILDE: (TURNING THE CHARM UP. HE REALLY WANTS TO IMPRESS ZOLF) Oh, don't mind me, honestly, I just thought, you know, it would be useful for you to have a single point of contact, you know? So many reporters hounding you. If people were to know not to come to you because you're already taken, as it were, think of all of the, think of all of the hassle dealt with. I mean, look at me! Of course I can spin this any way you want!

ZOLF: (NOT IMPRESSED) I don't know if breaking into our friend's apartment is supposed to be some kind of grand master play of showing how competent you are-

WILDE: I'm sorry, I just-

ZOLF (ANNOYED): But all it makes me is not trust you and not like you, so that was a misstep.

WILDE has that look on his face again; a desperate mix of wanting to win ZOLF over and wanting to choke him to death.Hearing the shift in tone, BERTIE finally turns his attention away from his armour and shouts from beside the liquor cabinet.

BERTIE: I will take it upon myself to investigate the good character of this young man through a thorough interview and extensive debriefing.

ZOLF forgotten, WILDE turns to BERTIE, twiddling a strand of hair between his fingers.

WILDE: Oh, please do.

BERTIE: I have a private-

HAMID (NOW VERY AWARE OF WHAT BERTIE IS DOING): Possibly over some wine?

BERTIE: I find that wine will often loosen the... tongue.

WILDE giggles slightly. ZOLF gives the back of his head the dirtiest look it is possible to give.

BERTIE: I volunteer for this task. I feel it is incumbent upon me to take this burden of responsibility, take, take one for the team, as it were. And indeed dispense one for the team. You know, I have a private interview suite at The Ritz that I feel might be a more appropriate venue for such a, an extended and languorous and vigorous... intercourse.

HAMID (AT THE SAME TIME AS BERTIE SAYS 'INTERCOURSE,' CLEARLY TRYING TO KEEP THINGS PG): Questioning.

ZOLF looks less than impressed, but this is nothing new for BERTIE. SASHA, looking quite lost, hugs her dagger to her chest.

ZOLF: Okay, can I just make one request?

WILDE whips back around to look eagerly at ZOLF.

WILDE: Oh?

BERTIE (SERIOUS): You can't watch.

ZOLF's face scrunches in a display of grey-ace disgust.

ZOLF (GENUINLY HORRIFIED): Why would I want to watch- (HE CORRECTS HIMSELF TO A MORE NEUTRAL TONE)You having a conversation with this nice man?

ZOLF gives WILDE a sickly sweet smile that is somehow more threatening than any of his openly malicious glares.

ZOLF: However, in the fits of your interview just please try and be discreet with our work.

BERTIE: All of the bellowing will be at an indoor volume, I promise you that, Mr Smith.

WILDE (LOOKING BACK TO BERTIE): I don't think you'll be in a state to bellow the way I interview. Ha!

BERTIE: Ha ha! Hmm.

WILDE (NERVOUS, OVERLAPPING): Well, I mean-

ZOLF (OVERLAPPING): Right, well-

WILDE: No one else care to take me up on the offer?

ZOLF: No, if you wanna take him into your hands then you're more than welcome.

BERTIE: Oh, yes! 

WILDE: Well, shall we say, uh-

SASHA (INTERRUPTING, ANNOYED BUT ALSO WITH GENUINE QUESTIONING): So we're, we're all alright with this just, like, you come in, you break into someone's house, you know secrets about us, and then you flirt your way out of it? 

ZOLF has the decency to look ashamed about his last innuendo. BERTIE does not in the slightest.

SASHA: That's just, just so I know, right, because, uh, seems like we can take down monsters, uh, and, you know, deal with the police, and, uh, fight our way out of burning buildings, but just so I know that that is the one thing that, like, you know, just... being aware.

HAMID: It's not a very difficult apartment to break into, in fairness.

SASHA nods at this; clearly she thought the exact same thing upon seeing it for the first time.

WILDE: What were the monsters?

WILDE reaches inside his coat for a second notebook, identical to the one ZOLF burned earlier.A moment of awkward, stuttered silence ensues.

BERTIE (TO THE RESCUE, FOR ONCE): We've all been fighting our own internal demons, aaaagh.

WILDE (DISAPPOINTED): Ah. Right.

WILDE slips the notebook back.

WILDE: But this was after the, the British Museum? Yes?

ZOLF (TEARSLY): Yes.

WILDE: Tell you what, shall we say nine o'clock, Bertie, yes?

BERTIE: Excellent.

ZOLF: Mr Wilde, let me make something very clear.

WILDE: Please do!

WILDE slips a hand into a different pocket in his jacket and hands a small card to BERTIE.

ZOLF: If anything untoward makes it into the public eye that we do not want into the public eye I will drown you in a bucket.

WILDE straightens from handing over the card and simply smirks down at ZOLF.

WILDE: Well that's seemingly unfair, Mr Smith. I mean, honestly-

ZOLF: And it's still going to happen. So don't try and barter-

WILDE: How would you know it's from me?

ZOLF: Just be very careful.

WILDE (PUTTING IT ON FOR ZOLF'S AMUSEMENT. ZOLF IS NOT AMUSED): So you're telling me that if a, a set of strapping bucks and, and uh, buxom, I want to say?

WILDE looks at SASHA.

WILDE: Ladies?

ZOLF: I could-

SASHA: What? Wait, what? No, nah, no, no wait, what?

WILDE: Under all of that you might be. Who knows? 

SASHA: What?

WILDE (TRAILING OFF): All I'm saying is: you draw a lot of attention, I can't promise you'll never get attention.

ZOLF (STARTS SPEAKING OVER WILDE): I am very keen to cut to the quick and just drown you in a bucket now.

SASHA: Yeah.

BERTIE: Steady.

SASHA: Sounds good.

ZOLF: So stop it with your whole aloof, cleaverer than me kind of thing you've got going on here. If you reveal anything that I do not want to be revealed about this team and their-

ZOLF loses momentum a little as he looks over at BERTIE.

ZOLF: Deeds.

Pulling himself together again, ZOLF reaches up, grabs hold of WILDE's lapels, and yanks him down to ZOLF's height. Surprise, then annoyance, then what can only be described as a flustered blush pass across WILDE's face.

ZOLF (TENSE): I will drown you in a bucket!

BERTIE: Don't worry, Mr Smith, I promise to reveal precisely the right amount.

ZOLF: Good.

WILDE smirks, his moment of frozen, flustered panic over, and he reaches out a hand and lightly bops ZOLF's nose.

WILDE: I'll try not to enjoy it.

Without even a grimace to first indicate what he's about to do, ZOLF rears back and headbutts WILDE. There's an awful crunch as his skull collides with WILDE's nose, which immediately begins to start pouring blood, and WILDE topples backwards onto the floor.

There's a collective gasp as everyone, including ZOLF, realises what he's just done. ZOLF reaches out for WILDE's hand, immediately trying to rectify his mistake, but WILDE pulls back, cupping his hands to his face. Instead ZOLF places a hand on WILDE's cheek, rather aggressively, and mutters a few words. A soft glow emanates from ZOLF's hand and there's another click. Before ZOLF has even had the chance to move his hand away BERTIE's gauntlet smacks him across the cheek and he's knocked prone.

SASHA rushes to check on ZOLF and HAMID makes a futile attempt at pulling BERTIE back. WILDE cautiously removes his hands from his face. His nose is perfectly straight, but still gushing blood. He takes a handkerchief from his breast pocket and dabs at it, shakily getting to his feet.

WILDE: Well, that was unpleasant, I'm so sorry to have let things escalate like that. I'll see you later, Bertie. Pleasure meeting all of you.

SASHA helps ZOLF to his feet, who immediately starts glaring at BERTIE across the room.

ZOLF (BITTERLY, NOT LOOKING AT WILDE): Pleasure.

WILDE: And I hope to see you around again soon. Yep... Okay...

WILDE steps gingerly between the stare-off and to the door. He gestures at it to HAMID.

WILDE: Would you like me to lock it on the way out?

HAMID's shoulders heave as he gives a massive sigh.

HAMID: No, that's fine.

WILDE: Oh, okay.

WILDE starts to leave.

HAMID: Please, Mr Wilde.

WILDE sticks his head back around the doorframe.

HAMID: I will happily talk to you another time, but please arrange an interview in a proper location, and do not come unexpectedly.

WILDE: I'll make sure to get a, uh, a contact time and place from Bertie. Okay?

HAMID (DISGRUNTLED): Very well.

WILDE: Have a good one.

WILDE heads into the corridor, closing the door behind him.

WILDE STOOD IN FRONT OF HAMID'S DOOR

WILDE sighs, and as he does so something about his appearance changes. His hair is less uniform, face paler, eyes more sunken, waist less defined. The colours on his clothes are slightly less garish than they previous seemed.WILDE wipes the rest of the blood from his nose, then stuffs the handkerchief back into his pocket.

He straightens, waves his hand, and suddenly he's immaculate again. He shuffles slightly, like he's about to take off, then pauses for a moment. WILDE lifts a hand to his cheek, where ZOLF cast his healing spell, and smiles; soft and genuine and private. Then, still smiling a little, he takes off down the corridor.

[dollymadness]

Hello. Shoto falling in love with a villian (with tragic back-story). At first he's very bothered by his feelings but later on he finds out their story and he understands the villian's side however villian hates his father and wants to murder shoto to avenge his family who were abandoned by endeavor during a house fire.

Pro hero Shoto x villain NB reader

hey loml !! sorry, this took me too long

Villain quirk: Fierce Snake - they can shapeshift into a full fierce snake or only incorporate the animal senses (which includes venom, highly sensitive skin, improved chemosensory...) on their human form.

You can choose the particularity of the snake that suits better on the situation.

The drawback is the short time you have on the full form, or when you are using more then one sense.

You are the ambicious type, with a indeed charming nature. A person that woudn't hesitate on sacrificing everything and yourself to reach the main goal.

But you are sure such extreme attitude won't be needed at all, due to your clever and logic brain. One thing, out of all that you are sure, is to overanalyse each move, every little step is calculated.

Shoto is a highly rated pro hero, on his prefered area. He isn't the biggest fan of the front line, the battle and the caos. Instead, he choose to live in the shadows, working successively suceed stealth missions.

Todoroki is the best type of spy, he is polite, cool-headed and extremely smart. The man is even more effective than Hawks was, he is changing this behalf of the heroe society to be more straight to the point, functional.

However, is not always that easy to find the needed information. After all those years, the company decided to try again an old strategy.

"All i have to do is go there and say i want to join? Sir, with all the respect, but-" Even being the CEO, Shoto is always respectful with his co-workers, even giving them power and space to desagree with him and openly point it out.

"Sir, i'm telling you that this will work. If you want, i can show the presentation again, and all the points to prove it's the best change we have."

There were rumors that the villains are planning something big against the top heroes, however they can't get even a small clew. All the pre-existing methods had failed on them and the team suggested to Shoto to infilter, alike his precursor.

It's a big and, on Shotos concepition, dumb step to make. The villains woudn't feel on the same trick two times, would they? "So many time has passed since then..." His co-worker argument was valid too. "You can easily scape if it goes wrong." Obviously he can. He would be the number one if wasn't for his area of action.

He is scared, but doesn't let it show on his expression when he agree. After all the discuss, they get out of the company with a well thought plan, step by step.

On the other side, the delinquents were also working on their main scheme. They wanted a war, as the LOV once did, but they needed a strong weapon to realize such, they wanted something better than the nomus, maybe an item to potentialize their individualitys. Still, they didn't have a clear direction.

Mei is the big brain, the scientist. Is she an inventor from the heroes side? Yes. Does she give a single fuck to the motivation besides just creating insane "babys"? No.

And she isn't getting anywhere with her "basic creations", in their masters word. All the villains can do by now is mess with hero society as much as possible and wait to their weapon to come to life.

Shoto is getting his job done. He putted himself into the ghettos and patiently waited. "Hey, hey, hey! What do we have here?" The elastic masquerade man curls on the walls next to Sho. "How can i serve you, your majesty?" He sneers, while the hero keep his face emotionless.

Todoroki then explains his will to join the villains, with the excuse of the hate of his on father and all the abuse he did to him, that part was not enterely a lie. He even managed to split out that he never wanted to be a hero, only doing for parental pressure.

The criminal listened with boredom filling his face, taking Shoto inside.

"Oh, if it's not our royal highness! Tell your dad i said hi." The Mastermind proceeds to talk by the moment Shoto walks in.

"Hello, sir." He started politely, lowering his head to show respect. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but i came here to offer my help to your crew."

Again, he gave the same excuse he'd gave minutes ago.

"I see. But don't think that i'm going to accept a filthy rat like you that easily... those who don't learn with the history are complete fools. You know are i'm talking about, don't you?" His voice was so low, barely audible and it send shivers on Shotos spine.

"Yes, sir, but i'm willing to prove my worthy." Todoroki could hear his voice cracking, the moment isn't bringing good memories.

His father was the one who used to put him in such a humiliating position.

"You can start by begging. If you want it, you will do anything, is that correct?" He watches as Sho silently gets on his knees. "And stop with that 'sir' thing. 'Master' will do." A big smirk appears

"Yes, master." He was starting to feel disgusted by himself, but didn't back off. "Please, let me join this league. I'm begging, Master, please." Hate on the most pure form runs throught his veins while he stay still, looking to the ground as it is the most interesting thing on earth.

"Tsc. I don't know if that erection you getting me is enough. What do you think, Y/N?" You suddenly emerges from the back of the empty dark room and joins in.

"Give the guy a chance, if he is bad we can just cut his head off." You see Shoto fighting his urge to look up and see your face, and it steals a laugh of your part.

"As you seem like having so much fun with this worm here, now he is under your wing. Test him as much as you want and if he fucks everything up, i'll blame you. Understood?" The Mastermind now shows that he's harsh to his allies to.

"Understood!" The man walks away, letting you and Shoto solve this new problem you both got into.

"So... what do you'll like for me to call you, peasant?"

"Shoto is enough."

"Okay, call me Y/N, i don't need all this formality that Master likes... get up." you order and he hops up in a second.

"Endeavors son is under my wing... a bit ironic, don't you think?" laughing to yourself, he eyes you as you clingy around his shoulder.

"You know what? This is going to be fun..." You shift into a snake, curling up on his neck, as Todoroki jumps in fear.

"So, Shoto, how you're going to prove me that you aren't faking this shit?" You turn into human again, only to shift again on his arm. "Huh?" Again, and now he is getting used to it.

"I-i don't now, 'boss'. You are the one to tell me this, right?" You finally stop, feeling pure joy while the young man has fear all over his face, body tense and eyes about to jump off.

"Yes, darling, i am. Trust me, if this is a setup, you will regret." You threat biting his neck, laughing as you walk away.

You put Shoto in all possible kinds of difficult situations...

He had to share confidential information about his hero friends.

Let the villains take a building filled of civillians.

And he had to help on the secret missions all along. You would curl on his neck and move for the extension of his shoulder, just to remember him that all his moves are being watched.

Shoto is skillful, and it's not hard to notice. In a short amount of time, he is already a pro on the wickedness. Slowly turning himself into a cold-hearted villain, and doesn't seem to hate it.

"Sho!" You two were leaving another building, with some items that Hatsume required. "You think that's funny?"

You try to play mad, but end up laughing with him. Shoto had freezed you just to mess around, and is now using his quirk to creat a beard on your face.

"I do." He complains, moving away to have a good vision of the scene he created.

"Of course you do, bastard. Set me free now!"

"Or what?" He teases.

"You know i can do it by myself, but i'm giving you the chance to redeem before i kill you." The playful tone don't make it less ominous.

"Make me." As the words drop out his mouth, you shift into a snake and get out of the ice, shaped to your human form.

You crawl till him, turning back into your normal form and quickly choking him. "Now we are talking."

"Any last words before i make you regret?" Your nails are sinking on his soft skin.

"I was couting on it." He smiles.

.

.

.

There will be a part 2 soon !! :)

[zhansww]

I’ve been wondering how exactly the misunderstanding of my last rambling post came to be and I think it’s cuz of one of two things; cuz I didn’t make it clear what I consider the word “queer” to mean or cuz I didn’t make it clear that the post itself was my own, subjective opinion. I’m not sure how consistent I’ve been with tagging it but I kinda differentiate between (what I think are) rational opinions I have vs emotional ones. The latter ones are obviously subjective and should not be taken as me, lecturing anyone or implying that everyone should feel the same. You either share the same sentiment or you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with it either way. And if my words in those posts seem hostile/condescending, it’s cuz I don’t feel the need to censor any of my subjective views/feelings. What I do think is important and what I try to pay attention to is not to let the negative emotions that certain things evoke in me control my actions. When I see something that I disapprove of in any way, I don’t hijack that post or report it. If my emotional reaction is particular strong, I’ll vent about it in my own post, not theirs. I considered this to be the decent thing to do but I’ve been told by at least one kind, respectful and open-minded person that I am actively making people’s lives worse with those posts, that my words are violent and that my behavior is that of an “unhinged monster” (the irony here is not lost on me). So I’ve been reflecting and I think the next time I feel a particular strong, negative emotion that makes me want to vent, I’ll put a disclaimer beforehand. And now, let me just actually clarify what my point was of that post. I believe that yz is real so I obviously do not assume they are straight. If they are indeed together, then they are queer - i.e. not straight - but that’s literally it. I have no theories or thoughts about what their specific orientation might be and I won’t ever speculate about that either. I wouldn’t mind knowing but unfortunately, they can’t be openly together right now but when they someday are, they’ll hopefully also feel safe and loved enough to share something like that with us. I know for a fact that figuring out your sexuality is a confusing and intimate process which is why I am opposed to speculating about it. I consider it to be too intrusive. But again; that is my subjective opinion based on my own experiences. I do not expect everyone to share this sentiment. One person said that I should expect such speculation and that might be true, maybe I should expect it but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Seeing certain bxg get mad at solos for assuming yz are straight but then turn around and assume they are [insert any specific sexuality except het] is hypocritical and disappointing in my opinion. I think it’s perfectly fine to have such emotional opinions as long as you don’t let those emotions cloud your judgement and lead to you, reacting in a way that is unreasonable and possibly harmful. I also think that everyone should be willing to have their rational opinions questioned but when it comes to an emotional opinion, it doesn’t have to make sense and it’s probably not gonna change either. To give another example; I hk disapprove of yz r/p/f. And that’s not me, saying it is inherently wrong and that no one should do it. In fact, you could try to make a case about how I should like it and approve of it but it wouldn’t make me change my mind precisely because this opinion is not based on logic but just on emotion. And again, as long my emotional reaction to something doesn’t lead to unreasonable actions, then the emotion itself is alright to have. And like I already said, I thought it was okay to vent those emotions in my safe space but apparently, it isn’t. No one should take those posts personally or like I’m talking to them or lecturing them. I thought that this was all obvious but since I got told otherwise, I will be more concise from now on.

You know, when someone starts a “discussion” by insulting you (implicitly or not), that’s usually a clear sign that they’re not even trying to understand you. I’ve seen at least one person reblog the reblogs and seemingly take some kind of vicious pleasure in seeing someone else sh-t on me. Something like that leads me to think that they already had a negative impression of me to begin with which is why their minds gladly misunderstood me and jumped to the worst possible conclusion. They also all seemed to either ignore my explanations or seemed intent on misunderstanding me, no matter what. To be clear, I don’t blame them entirely for it because I could have expressed my point better but for them to immediately think their misunderstanding is the right one - instead of asking me to explain myself perhaps - is also wrong. Mind you, I don’t expect those people to see or care about this post. The main reason I’m trying to clarify myself is for myself. I said I’ll try to be more concise in expressing my views (regardless of whether it’s a subjective one or not) from now on and I thought I should let this be the start of that. There was one reply in particular that ... affected me a lot harder than I thought anything could. I think it’s cuz my depression already makes me feel like I’m a waste of space 24/7. One thing I take comfort in, though, is the fact that, at the very least, the only one who’s hurting because of it is me, no one else. At least I don’t hurt others. But I got told otherwise. I got called an unhinged monster. The unhinged part is true but also being a monster... it made me feel like I’m less than a waste of space. Like, let’s say if normal people always feel like a 1, I always feel like a 0. Getting insulted like that made me feel like a -1. Instead of feeling like a read newspaper, that’s just waiting to get thrown in the trash, that insult made me feel like I’m the asbestos in the house, something that is actively harmful and you need to get rid of. Does that make sense? Anyway... I engaged in “discussions” despite my better judgement and now, I have to pay the price for it so I also decided that I won’t do that again. Hopefully, there won’t even be any more misunderstandings but if there are and someone hijacks my posts and insults and/or willfully misunderstands me, I will just block them. For my own sanity. And for the record, if there’s something in this or any of my subjective/emotional posts that can be misunderstood, that I didn’t make clear enough; please feel free to ask me about it. Please don’t immediately think the worst of me. And when it comes to my more objective/rational opinions, I am always open for discussions as long as we can remain respectful throughout.

I would also like to express my gratitude to anyone who reached out. I’m not sure if the damage can be undone to be honest (it doesn’t feel like it right now) but anyone who offered words of advice, understanding, support or kindness helped soften it. I cannot express how grateful and appreciative I am for it all, any replies or private messages. You helped make me feel less shitty and I thank you so so much. I’m definitely gonna save all the mental health advice cuz I really did not know how to deal with that overwhelming desire to... stop existing in that moment and I want to keep it in mind if (or when) I get affected this badly by something again. I intend to also reply to the messages privately ofc but for now, please accept all of my love and gratitude~

I’m gonna put the rest - which is more personal - under a cut and also tw cuz I’ll elaborate on my mental health/depression. This isn’t exactly something I want to share tbh but I think I shouldn’t shy away from it either. And I feel like I need to explain myself, just for anyone who cares to know.

—

If you compare life to walking on a path, then I at some point - I don’t even remember when - stopped walking and starting digging a hole for myself. It musta been years ago. Right now, that hole is so deep that I have no idea how to get out of it on my own, much less how to move forward. I think I always knew that there must be something wrong with me mentally. This isn’t something that is being talked about in my family, though, so I never extensively thought about it. Not until earlier this year, when my sister told me that she thinks I’m sick and I should see a therapist. My immediate reaction was to reject the idea but I really couldn’t do that for long. As of right now, I have been tentatively diagnosed (not sure if that’s what you call it in English) with depression but I haven’t actually found a permanent therapist and therefore also not started therapy yet. I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me and this not-knowing makes it somehow worse. I haven’t been properly functioning for the past two days - ever since I got called unhinged monster - cuz those words are burned into my brain by now and keep repeating themselves. It feels like my mind was given another weapon to slowly k-ll me with. It keeps reminding me that that’s what I am and then I start trembling and my breathing gets weird and it’s harder than usual for me to distract myself. And this is all so overwhelming for me, I have truly no idea how to deal with any of it. I don’t even know if I named it right, if it really is called a “depressive episode”. I’m hoping I’ll get to find out what exactly is wrong with me and how I can cope with it once I find a therapist. My lack of knowledge regarding what I myself am going through makes it all very confusing and difficult. Another reason why I kind of organized my thoughts and wrote them all down here is cuz I hope it will help me somehow, make my mind stop letting those really bad thoughts in. But in that moment when I felt especially f-cked up, any words of advice or kindness helped. I hope everyone who reached out knows that. Just... thank you. So damn much.

[dameferre]

can we see a snippet from the "penpals!" courferre one :0

of course! i will warn you this will. most likely never see the light of day BUT it’s based off of ‘the year of secret assignments’ by jaclyn moriarty, a... kind of ridiculous book i bought at a charity shop at like. age 10? or something

basically these three sets of teenagers are assigned pen pals at a neighboring school, and hijinks ensue, with one set of penpals giving each other secret assignments (hence the title), the other set of penpals being a girl who writes to a guy who uses a fake name (that plotline ends horribly, it would not have done so in my fic lmao)

one finally one set of penpals (a boy and a girl) decide to start having practice dates, so the guy can hone his skills and ask out a girl he likes, and the girl can critique his form, and... i mean i think we all know how this goes.

anyway, it’s half in letter format, half actual writing the story. here’s a snip! (under the cut because i. couldn’t help myself)

Official Assessment of the Second Meeting By Chance executed by The Lord of Flowers, Combeferre, henceforth referred to as the Subject, as reviewed by Courfeyrac the Ravishing, henceforth referred to as The Operative.

NOTES

When the Operative (and Guest) approached, the Subject smiled very nicely. It was a sort of surprised, warm smile that lit up his face. Did the Subject practice his ‘oh I was hoping to see you and I’m so glad I have’ smile in the mirror?

The Subject did a very good job of consoling the Guest, and as it turns out, the Subject’s height is not as offensive as previously thought, as he holds an umbrella perfectly.

The Subject was much more relaxed this time, and funny, and his hair fluffed a little in the humidity which was adorable. He had a great way of explaining things to the Operative without being patronising, and teased admirably. The Operative spent a good 80% of the walk laughing, but upon writing report can’t remember a specific instance of hilarity. The Subject should have more memorable jokes next time.

Overall, great work Combeferre. You’ll have Feuilly falling over himself to get to you in no time.

Yours,

Courfeyrac the Ravishing

--

Courfeyrac,

You seem to be losing your touch; that last review lacked the mildly insulting bluntness I’ve grown so accustomed to. Does this mean we’re becoming friends?

Anyway, I’m now, as you would say, ‘balls-deep in tech week’ and halfway through my descent into the deepest pit of hell. The entire production is an original script written by a friend of mine, named Jehan Prouvaire, who decided to rewrite the final scene this weekend. They’re my friend, have been for years, but even I wanted to murder them slowly. The cast is hard at work trying to learn the scene, while I had to stay late last night redoing all the cues.

The worst part of it is, the new ending is fucking fantastic, so we can’t even stay mad at them.

It’s exhausting. Literally exhausting; I got three hours of sleep last night.

Anyway, I’m writing this as a way of avoiding calculus homework. Not that I wouldn’t write to you if I didn’t have calculus homework, but it is harder to just ramble on about my life now that we’ve met in person. I don’t think I ever would have told you about Feuilly if we had met before we started writing. There was something in the anonymity that made it easier, like writing into a diary. I hope you don’t take this as an insult- what I mean to say is that now that I know you, I want you to like me. And by extension, I want you to know a lot less about exactly how lame I am.

Anyway, I wanted to say I won’t be able to make a meeting by chance this week, though I know telling you that ruins some of the fun. If I’m around next week, which is really looking less and less likely every time an actor misplaces a prop or mic pack and I am forced, once again, to weigh the pros and cons of murder, I’d be happy to accidentally run into you on my way home from school.

Side note- Avi(my brother) comes home next week, which lines up nicely with Mom’s birthday and means he’ll be able to see the show. It’ll be nice to have him back. I think you’d like him; he’s the attractive one in the family, and the extrovert. He’s also a mechanical engineer who medal-ed in track when he was my age. Basically, he got all the good genes, but he’s too nice to admit it.

Anyway, calculus beckons.

See you on the other side, Combeferre

p.s. Only you would practice a smile. Mine was genuine, I swear.

--

My Dearest Combeferre,

FIRST DAY OF PRACTICE STARTS TOMORROW HELL YEAH

I mean, yes, technically the other guys on my team have been practicing for two weeks but I have sadly been out of commission. BUT NOT ANYMORE BABY THE BITCH IS BACK

This will help distract me from the pain and yearning as I wait a whole week to see you again. I’ll be wistfully wandering the moors before Saturday, mark my words.

I’m also fascinated by the idea of a brother who’s you, but more attractive. Does it hurt to look at him directly? Do strangers fall in love on the spot? Is he officially considered a menace to society because he’s caused traffic accidents and ruined weddings by walking past at the wrong moment?

Someone should put a stop to him before things get out of control! No man should wield such power.

The idea that you, of gorgeous cheekbones, perfect hair, jawline, and eyes and face in general, notorious multi-tasker, valedictorian and walking encyclopedia, not to mention polyglot, could think someone else got the good genes means either you are humble to the point of actively lying to yourself or your brother is a minor deity.

Courfeyrac, I can hear you saying, flattery really isn’t necessary.

But it is! Enjolras, who I’ve mentioned before and is my best friend in the whole world, is gorgeous to the point of being inconvenient to look at. I’m a notorious flirt, I know this, and I’m good at it, but we’re not even in the same league when it comes to making people question their sexualities. He walks into a room and you can see half the people inside mentally decide they’re bi-curious. He’s also a raving lunatic and antagonistic asshole, which he openly accepts and takes pride in, but try to tell him he’s attractive and he looks at you like you’ve just suggested he’s got wings or a tail. So what I’m trying to say, I think, is that I’m used to people not realising how good looking they are. And bludgeoning them with compliments is my way of dealing with this.

Anyway. Getting sidetracked.

I’m flattered you use me as a method of procrastination! I’m gonna make myself a button that says ‘more interesting than calculus’ and wear it with pride. Also, is writing to pen pals not mandatory at the Academy? We’re given a half hour block during the study period. When we first started, Enjolras said the whole thing was “infantile and outdated and a waste of time”, but at this very moment he is on page six (6) of his latest aggressive correspondence to his mystery R, even though I saw what R sent him last time and it was, I shit you not, an envelope that was empty except for a tiny (approx. 3 centimeters long) rubber chicken. For context, the one before was a thorough analysis of wage inequality written entirely in pig latin.

I hope one day I meet this person, even if immediately afterwards they steal my kidney or turn me into a newt or whatever minor trickster gods do these days to pass the time when they’re not torturing my best friend.

Anyway, gotta go, stay sane, don’t kill anyone unless you really have to, and if so lemme know and I’ll help you get rid of the body. I know a guy.

Courfeyrac

p.s. I already like you, idiot.

[luhanvirus]

Butterfly Effect

 In which a 29-year-old gay LXC married his 26-year-old family friend JC (who happens to be a trans man) out of convenience so that both of their traditional families would leave them alone and let them live their lives, without thinking that he will find love in this marriage.

N/A: Xicheng AU based on that Redditor who shared his touching AF love story.

For the #CultivaTober2020, another story that no one asked me. Incomplete for the lack of time.

Day 23: Butterfly

.

A lot of people like to think that love comes before marriage, oftentimes it doesn't always work out that way. 

Sometimes people get married because of different pressures and expectations put on them by society and their families, but that doesn't mean you can't find love in this kind of situation.

Lan Xichen didn’t expected falling in love with his husband.

They didn’t marry for love, actually they married to make a giant scam on their families.

It maybe be weird, but Lan Xichen was a gay man that came from a wealthy and traditional Chinese family where he managed the business extension abroad. 

And as the current heir of the company after his father’s death, the elders didn’t liked when he came up openly about his homosexuality and they didn’t accept it. No matter how many times Xichen said them that he wouldn’t marry a man, they still wanted him very married to a lady from a good and influential family.

One day Xichen got tired and said them clearly that he will just stay single, so they should stay out of his business.

That kind of worked for four years, until the last year when uncle Lan Qiren trapped him in a visit with a this “girl” that was the single “daughter” of one of their business allies and left them alone in a room.

Xichen looked at her, she was pretty indeed. His posture emitted an air of confidence and his almond gray eyes resembled storm clouds, like lighting bolts would appear in any moment to attack, her short black hair was pulled into a bun with a purple ribbon and she wore a big violet hoodie that covered all her body curves. 

It was so obvious that neither of them wanted to be here.

Anyways, Xichen didn’t expected that this person would misunderstand the whole situation:

“Listen to me, because I’m not going to repeat myself. I’m a trans male and I’m not out of my family and I DON’T WANT to get married to you”, blunted out the person. “You don’t want to be married with me because I am a MAN, so just leave it!”

Lan Xichen blinked, really shocked.

Did she.... Did he really thought that I set up the visit?

“I don’t even like women, what do you mean?” Xichen babbled, confused at least.

The boy looked at him, suspicious.

“What did you said?”

Xichen massaged the left side of his forehead, without knowing if the should laugh or cry at the turn of the events. “Well, I’m gay.”

When he said it, he didn’t wanted to be funny.

He was serious.

“Oh my god,” mumbled the boy before to start laughing loudly. “My mom will die if she knows!”

At least one of them was having a good time, finding the whole thing hilarious.

Xichen didn’t noticed when he started to laugh too.

Well, could you blame him? This was so ridiculous. Yet, they ended being friends after that unfortunate turn of the events. They even exchanged numbers before to part away.

. 　   ·  ✦

“I knew it was her, she’s perfect. Well mannered and ...”

Uncle Qiren was delighted at the idea that Xichen was cured from homosexuality, the poor man still has hopes that he would change his mind and will fall in love with the little daughter of Jiang Fengmian haha.

If you only know, uncle. Thought Xichen, having a good time that night.

Unlike Wangji who seemed worried, he was his only support in those kinda family meetings.

“Brother.”

Xichen smiled at his brother, relieved that everything ended in good terms even if it was a disaster. “Don’t worry, Wangji. I know what I’m doing.” 

He couldn’t be more wrong.

Wangji looked at him, unconvinced. “If you say so.”

However, Xichen didn’t overthink it in the moment because Jiang Wanyin was someone really nice to talk by the way, so he keep talking with him.

And they talked a lot through nine weeks.

What made both families to get excited at the match, they never got this far with any other candidates. 

So they kept pushing them about marriage.

Xichen didn’t knew why, but one day they just accepted to marry each other. He remember that both were "like yeah, screw it" and that’s how they got quickly married in Yunmeng a summer day of August to get their families off of their backs.

Wanyin moved at Gusu with him and both pulled a giant scam on their families and got away with it.

No matter how you see it, it was a win-win situation. Wanyin lived his own life and take the guest room for himself while Xichen didn’t get more cutting remarks about being gay because he has a “wife” now.

Life was easygoing, so he let Wanyin cut his hair short and stop dressing feminine as his family forced him.

It was a little gesture, but that small change resulted in something unexpected.

. 　   ·  ✦

The things had been so smooth sailing between them that they even adopted a dog, Xichen was having a good time when he come to his house now that he has a roommate and a pet.

It felt more like a home than the place where he’s slept.

He didn’t noticed before, but his house didn’t felt like a home before he married.

Wanyin resume his university studies and made new friends, he was so comfortable and happy that he started to cooking dinner for both of them recently. Sometimes Xichen couldn’t eat with him because he returned at home passed by midnight, but he tried to return early at home to share at least a couple of dinners together at week.

That night Xichen got a little late, but Wanyin stayed with him in the dinning room. Looking him eat everything and even repeating a dish.

“Were you hungry, huh?”

Xichen was used to not talk when he eat because he was educated like that, but he found rude to not reply his husband at the same time. So he did an exception that night.

After all, Wanyin cooked that delicious food for him and waited for him.

“I didn’t have lunch today.”

Wanyin looked at him, with a bothered frown in his eyebrows. It reminded Xichen the first time that they share a dinner in home and he couldn’t stand the spicy food that Wanyin cooked. 

That time he thought he would die, but he survived to Wanyin spicy food.

Now he’s getting to used to piquant food.

“I can cook your lunch.”

“You don’t have to do it, Wanyin.”

“What kind of husband am I if I left my spouse starving?” Wanyin teased him, smirking.

. 　   ·  ✦

Next morning Xichen didn’t expected that Wanyin would fulfill his word and made a lunch for him, even his coworkers seemed surprised to see him eating in his office instead to skipping the lunch when he had important meetings. 

That day he had a meeting with Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao, so they planned to invite him to eat a hotpot without knowing that Xichen would refuse.

When they saw why he refused, they stayed to accompany him.

It seems that it was a friendship duty annoy at your recently married friends.

“Now Xichen-ge gots lovely lunchs made by his wife, I’m jealous”, said Jin Guangyao as he looked for food delivery on his telephone for him and Mingjue, they didn’t want to leave his friend alone if they could tease him.

Mingjue nudged at Xichen, grinning “As your childhood friend, I demand to be the godfather of your first child.”

“That’s unfair, Da-ge! Let Xichen-ge chose the godfather!!”

Xichen smiles nervously at his friends, feeling a cold sweet in this forehead.

“We are not having kids.”

Mingjue raised an eye brown, confused. “Why not?”

Xichen felt conflicted.

Well, these were his friends and he should trust them, right? He wasn’t ashamed of his husband, actually he felt proud that he could be himself since they met.

“Uhm, how I could say this? My “wife” is a trans male, so...”

“Oh.”

“It’s complicated, we got it.” Ends the conversation Jin Guangyao, putting a hand in Mingjue’s mouth. 

. 　   ·  ✦

Months passed fast and it was December when Xichen realized that his husband started to getting closer to him.

Not like they were strangers before, but something changed after Christmas.

Wanyin started to watch tv with him in the sofa when Xichen was in home, eating with him every time they can, buying him stuff and even texting him more frequently, sending photos of him and Huan Huan when he go to walk their puppy. He even started staying in Xichen’s room to facetime his mom because she always complained about how he always facetimed alone so he came to Xichen bed to get him to say hi.

And after a while, Wanyin got tired to get out of Xichen’s bed to go back to his own to sleep, so he moved to Xichen room permanently.

Before Xichen knew, they escalated to cuddling awaken and sleeping.

Contrary to Xichen could think, it wasn’t that weird.

Actually it felt heartwarming to hold his tiny husband on his arms, specially when their puppy dog was in the middle of them. Enjoying the warm between his owners.

It made him feel something, but he wasn’t sure what.

. 　   ·  ✦

“When are you two going to give us a grandchild?” Wanyin’s mother asked them one day via facetime.

Wanyin went all red, screaming. “Mom!”

It was obvious that he didn’t wanted to have this conversation with his mother.

Xichen was beside him in the bed, working on his laptop before to speak in the name of the two. “We want to enjoy our youth first. So no kids for now.”

Hoping that Wanyin wouldn’t mind with his idea.

They didn’t talked about children, yet.

His mother-in-law sounded a bit beaten after that, but she insisted on encourage Wanyin to make his own family as if their dog wasn’t their son already. 

When Wanyin cut the call, Xichen finished his work so he put the computer aside.

“Sorry, Xichen.”

“Why? It’s not your fault that your mother want another grandchild.”

Wanyin looked at him before sprawled out on top of him, doing random things and Xichen was unsure what it means. “Then, how many children do you want?” 

He asked so suddenly that got Xichen out of guard.

“What?”

“I’m joking, do you want children anyways?”

He was always like that since they got close to each other last year, always joking around him.

Sometimes Xichen didn’t know if he was joking or being serious.

“I don’t know, I never thought about having kids.” Xichen blurt out of his mind, smiling at the thought that they have this level of communication to talk about things like this. “What about you?”

“We have Huan Huan, enough for me.”

“I don’t think your mother 

“Well, Huan Huan would be the only grandson that I’m going to give her.”

. 　   ·  ✦

They almost kissed twice, one time when they were cuddling in the bed and the other one when Wanyin started sitting on Xichen’s lap, nuzzling him and stuff like that.

Their faces were so close that Xichen thought they were going to kiss.

It was so close that he could feel his hot breath, but then Wanyin went all red and jumped ship at the last minute. Xichen felt so disappointed that they didn't kissed already, but he thought that he understand why Wanyin might not kiss him.

He must be thinking that he doesn't want this or something like that.

Contrary to what people could think about his husband, Wanyin had the tendency to overthink things.

He still was working on this, but Xichen couldn’t handle with the self-isolation and the romantic? tension in the house every time he saw Wanyin flustering and getting shy around him.

It was odd after met the confident and a little arrogant side of his husband, so this new side made him feel things that he didn’t know he could feel for Wanyin.

Xichen even feel butterflies in the stomach every time they get close for any reason.

He just wants to kiss Wanyin so badly that he felt embarrassed.

He was so screwed.

. 　   ·  ✦

One day, Xichen couldn’t stand the situation anymore. He was still a little unsure about his own feelings so he talked long and tended with his friends at the bar about how he wants to take Wanyin on dates and kiss him and let him speak as much as he wants because Wanyin likes to talk about the things that he loves and how much he loves their dog, he could talk about Huan Huan all day and Xichen wouldn't mind, he loves their puppy too.

In the end, he ended asking advice to asking his husband out.

“I want him be happy and I want myself be happy. So how can I ask my literal husband of nine months to be in an actual relationship with me?”

"Talk to him. Tell him what you’re feeling. Ask if he feels the same way," said Mingjue.

“You made it sound that simple, Da-ge.”

"I think you should let him know that you’re open to having a more intimate relationship. It seems he’s feeling something too since he’s cuddling you,” added Jin Guangyao.

“I don’t know what to do.”

Mingjue take a a big sip of wine before to talk again. “Just close your eyes and jump, man. You got this."

[themoonwheniamlost]

Okay. Here we go. A.K.A. I hurt myself and also I hate it here.

So out of everything that decided to come for my neck yesterday, (Superman Yusuf, Dance AU, Boopley/Coper, ect.) 

Book of the Nile won because of these posts, (x), (X), (X), (x) 

So here’s this One-shot so that I can move on with my life and finish my other fics!

There is a NSFW section in between the asterisks. ***

So she works at him. They spend days pouring over new technologies, better ways to case targets, and hide resources. Days where they drink nothing but tea because his hands are shaking for a bottle but she reminds him how proud she is of him. Days where they talk about family and trying to find a place to stay after losing everything. They talk about these things with the whole team of course. But sometimes. Sometimes they are just Nile and Sebastièn. Talking on the couch at 3 am, knees brushing, eyes soft. 

The first thing Nile notices is how he watches her. Booker’s eyes are heavy enough for her to feel them but he always turns away when she looks back. She wonders if he knows how young it makes him. He must have noticed the trembling feeling, the slight shift in the air when they share the same space. But neither of them is ready. So they wait.

They wait and it takes years. She has to push him on almost everything. They talk about how he has to stop calling her a kid, how she’s there for him just like the rest of their team, their family. He’s gotten better, he’s done some healing, but orbiting around JoeandNicky, QuynhandAndy can hurt sometimes. Whether that hurt is envy or remorse, she doesn’t always know. But if Nile knows about anything its dedication.

The change comes when they start to talk about purpose, belonging. Nile talks about having to fight her entire life. Sebastièn tells her of fighting and fleeing. If he couldn’t save his sons, how can he save anyone else? Does he even deserve to? She feels like she abandoned her family. And no matter how much money she squirrels away to them it will never be enough. She won’t ever be with them again. They cry together, and nothing else is said. Because some grief you cannot get over you just get used to living with.

Nile tries to show him that they have a family to lean on. Here and now, his grief isn’t a weakness and he doesn’t have to hide it. Nile and Andy take bets on when Nicky will finally be able to talk to Booker, Quynh mentions having seen Booker and Joe watching the game, but at intermission butting their heads together to talk and giggle like little boys. It’s good to see him growing.

Nile grows too. They train her all the time. About pressure points and poison and wrestling holds. Nile asks for a set of broadswords. The team all take turns teaching her something. This is not to say that she doesn’t miss her old life, but she is steady and reveling in the new one. She feels alive and ready to topple anything in her way.

Booker remembers that first conversation when Nile held her hand in the fire just to see what would happen. To test herself. He does not want to be another flame to her if all he does is rend her flesh. He thinks about keeping her warm, about the gold tones of her skin in the glow. He is trying to find out if he is worthy enough for such a treasure. If nothing else, surely he can tell her, in small ways at least, of the fire he sees in her, the fire she lights in him.

The energy between them changes, deepens after her thirtieth immortal birthday. They throw a seven-person party. They take a moment to be silent over the chair. And then they start passing each other fresh bread and warmer smiles. They all give her gifts. Nicky and Joe give her a pass to an art seminar she talked about. Andy and Quynh give her a new set of throwing daggers, and the promise that when she’s mastered them they’ll talk about the broad sword. Copley gives her a new drawing tablet and a better analog camera. 

Booker gives her a tiny box the color of a blue robin egg.

The white letters “Tiffany” shock her. Inside is a rose gold locket, with pictures of her family. She sheds a few tears, he nods and they move on. Three bottles of wine and a ridiculous game of twister later, they all head to their rooms. Booker waits, clears the table, washes dishes, listens to make sure he is the last one there with her. He watches the line of her back for a moment, while she takes the gift out of its box.

“Will you help me put it on?” Nile is turning the locket over, holding the chain tight between her fingers.

He says nothing, just takes the chain from her hand, and drapes it around her neck. When it’s done he hooks a finger under her chin and moves her head back and forth. 

“Just like I thought. It fits you,” he lets her go to take a step back. He does not expect her hug but finds that he cannot help but return it. He presses his nose into the hair at her temple, nuzzles there while she squeezes his ribs. She whispers, “Thank you.”

Sebastièn holds her closer and says, “Happy Birthday Queen.” It is thanks enough to hear her laugh. 

 Nile doesn’t know what she expected to happen, but it wasn’t this. Not this subtle dragging kindness. Sebastièn starts complimenting her, seemingly at random. It’s not new per se, he’s done it since the beginning really. But soon Nile notices that the compliments are different. Measured. 

Sebastièn watches her, mumbles “I like it when you wear your hair that way.” Four days later she finds a small bag of gold beads for her braids. 

She’s been working on an oil painting all week when he says quietly, “Your style is starting to stand out more. I like the theme of water that you use.” The next morning there are new bangles on her side table.

One time they are helping Nicky in the kitchen when she cuts herself. Booker puts her hand under the tap and says, “For the brain of this outfit you sure are clumsy.” 

When she goes to bed that night there is a small antique ring on her pillow. Nile has questions. So the next day Nile does what she always does in these moments. She goes to Andy. A sparring session may be the wrong time to ask, but here they are.

Andy knocks her flat on her back and says,  “No. Absolutely not, ask him about it and leave me out.” 

 Quynh laughs, “Nile the ring probably means something. Which means you should talk to Joe and Nicky.”

So she does. After dinner, she asks them to walk her to the plaza to paint. They share a look and start putting on their coats. As they walk through the town she mostly listens to them talk, too busy turning the problem over in her head to be really engaged. When they get to their favorite bench in the plaza, they sit down with her in between them. 

“So are we going to keep talking about textile art? Or is our little sister ready to talk to us about love ah? About romance?”

“Amore we cannot tease her. At least not too much!” Nile pretends to slide off the bench while they laugh.

“This is why I always talk to Andy first!,” They kiss her cheeks and squeeze her arms. Joe says, 

“You know Andy! She’s very old, and can’t die. So you can imagine the kind of stress she’s under.”

They laugh together, give her time to breathe with them. Then they listen to her. Nile talks about how it has always been different with Booker, how they watch each other so often. The early morning conversations. They trust each other now. Warmth is growing between them. So that’s why she worries about the gifts. 

They’re beautiful! Yet she feels as if they are in the place of his affection rather than an extension of it. She asks her brothers why Booker thinks he has to buy her love? Does she seem that shallow? They tell her that isn’t the reason, that is more that Booker doesn’t think he can, or should, give her his affection. Which doesn’t make any sense so she just puts her hands out in frustration. 

Joe seems to be stumbling around saying something. Nicky keeps frowning. Nile watches them have a silent conversation when suddenly Nicky goes very still and looks away from them. Eventually, he is the one who explains it to her. 

“When you love someone… after you’ve done terrible things. After you’ve carried anger and bitterness inside of you for so long, you feel like you’ll break everything you touch. Like your hands aren’t worthy to hold your beloved, because you aren’t even worth the breaths you take. How dare you think to sully their beauty with your hands. The most expensive gift in the world is nothing in comparison to the worth of them in your life. So you don’t love them openly, You hoard your love, then try to show it anyway without putting yourself in the picture.” 

Nile watches Nicky look out at the stars. She turns to see Joe looking right back at her. They nod. Nile stands and moves to the other side of Nicky and pushes him into Joe. 

She opens her mouth to ask how Joe did it when she feels his hand on her head. She leans closer to them, turns into the arm Nicky holds around her, and listens. 

“It may take a while,” Joe is patting her head softly while he speaks. “You will have to remind him that love is not earned, it is given. You will have to tell him that hurting himself hurts you. You will have to remind him that you make your own choices and that you’ve chosen him. You have to have faith that he knows you belong together. There is hope yet, and I do not think it will take you so long as us.” 

“Why is that?”

“Because my darling river, the ring he gave you says *Adore.* And that is moving much faster than we ever did.”

She looks at them again. Watching the way they lean into each other. These men who have gone through so much together and still love so fiercely. She thinks of Sebastièn’s arms when he holds her, the way they can banter, the way it feels when he trusts her with his secrets. She thinks of how safe she is with him, how she trusts him. How long it’s taken them to get this far at all. She decides that its time to take the next step forward to their future.

Nile isn’t one to wait long once she’s made a decision. So the next morning when she comes down for breakfast, she is wearing every gift he has given her. Before he can say anything she slips away to the study, then passes him again to sit at the table next to Quynh.

She is constantly surprising him, this woman. He watches her come into the room and he probably stops breathing. She is beautiful, shining in pink and gold. He wishes for Joe’s skill in art so that he could capture the way she looks now. Sebastièn feels as if she is walking through the room with his lungs in her hands. She does not acknowledge him any differently than usual, she just says, 

“Good morning Book.”

And what? What is he supposed to do? He never thought that she would truly acknowledge him this way. He’d hoped but… He is watching her move past the table when he catches Nicky’s eye. Watches him drag a thumb across his neck. Booker looks to Joe, but they can’t make eye contact without laughing. It’s not perfect, but it is something, and Booker will take what he can get.

After everyone disperses for the day, Quynh and Andy sit in the study with him. He hasn’t read a single word on the page open in his lap. 

“Are you ready for this? Have you talked to her? Told her what you want?”

“Andy. I’ll take whatever she gives me and nothing more. I’m not sure that I’m not dreaming right now.” 

Quynh, taking a drink from his cup says, “She told me about her plans. Get ready.”

Booker has no idea how to do that. Nile is the first person to make him want to be ready to live, not just yearn for death. He is a bit scared of her to be honest. But he has read enough books, studied the world long enough to remember that water leads to creation. He wants to know what she will make of him.

She figures the best way for him to know that he doesn’t have to buy her love, is for her to show him. So she starts to leave notes in the books he’s reading. The first thing she leaves him is Barter by Sara Teasdale. 

“Spend all you have for loveliness, Buy it and never count the cost; For one white singing hour of peace, Count many a year of strife well lost, And for a breath of ecstasy, Give all you have been, or could be”

In return she finds Pablo Neruda’s Sonnet XI in her jacket. From then on it is a game of truth or dare. Endless excerpts of Chaucer and Wilde. Nile leaves her annotated copies of Angelou, Baldwin and Dumas around the house. Laughs when she cannot find them again.  There are so many words scattered and building between them, but they have spoken none of them aloud. It is a hovering cloud of sticky scared desire. She keeps playing the game anyway.

Booker wants to know her mind. So he steals her books and in their places leaves her more adornments and words from much better poets than he. A section of Milton and a silver anklet. A page of Naidu and a small jade necklace. He gives back her Angelou, but with a new gold cross inside. A book of Sappho, with pressed flowers. E. E. Cummings and a new set of paints.

He hopes that she knows what it means to him. The ability to read her. The things she says without moving her mouth. The way she will talk shop or sit in silence with him. They way she trusts him. He hopes she cannot see how much he follows her presence through the house. 

Upping the stakes, Nile starts to touch him more and more often. She holds his wrist to pull him into the car. A hand on his shoulder as she leaves the table. Her favorite perfume just before she hugs him good night. She pretends not to notice how he turns his face into her neck, how he tenses and bends under her hands. No need to tell him that he folds for her like molding clay until their tenth anniversary. At least that’s the advice she gets from Quynh.

It is somewhat of a team effort, enfolding them together. A charade in small acts. Andy helps her find the books he still wants for their collection. Nile and Joe spend hours debating the virtues of different kinds of prose while they sketch and paint. It soothes a small ache in her heart when Nicky and Quynh snatch her away for midnight ice cream, reminds her of her little brother. Her new siblings give her lessons on how to tease your lover without showing your hand. Trading embarrassing stories about each other under the eyes of the night.

She plays the game for months, knowing that he needs time, eager to show him that she is a safe place to stay. Eventually she has to go shopping for a new jewelry case, and a new keepsake box. 

They take a trip to the beach. She bought a new swimsuit just to see what he would say. He tells her, 

“It is good to see you happy, Chèrie,” and presses a perfect conch shell into her hands. Now Nile is a patient woman, but even her will is tested when she watches him help a child who swims too far out to sea that day. She watches him hold the boy to his chest, listens to him soothe the boy with a quiet, “You are safe now Mon chou. No more tears hm? Look, here is your mother. Smile for her, mon ours.”

She wonders who this man thinks he is? Realizes that she thinks of him as hers. She watches him move past the shadow of sadness and return to their small portion of the beach. She realizes that she wants his first move to be towards her, always. She says none of this. Instead she tells him that she looks like a drowned rat. Hears him say,

“Better than looking like a boiled lobster, Chèrie.” To which they all look towards Nicky and laugh. Nile laughs even harder when Nicky just responds with a single finger. It is good to see her family together like this. 

It is good. They are good. But she wants more than good. Nile wants more than this silent sharing of words between them. She might do something drastic if Sebastièn doesn’t say something soon.

They’re in the south of France when the tension breaks. She should have seen it coming actually. They’ve finished a quiet job, and everyone is a bit restless.  It’s safe enough to stay in the city so they decide to go to the theatre. A lauded production of Antony and Cleopatra that Joe’s been raving about. When they step out of the car, Nile tries to tuck her hand into the crease of his elbow only to be sent to buy some wine before they’re seated. When she gets back the only one there is Booker.  

He knows what they’re doing of course. Quynh whispers to him about courage, Joe says something about faith. Andy and Nicky nod. Then they leave. It is not that he doesn’t want to tell her, it is that he doesn’t want to hurt her. That he wouldn’t be able to stand losing her when he fucks it up. It fills him with heat and dread to see her coming near. The way she walks, the angle of her chin as she looks for them. The sharpness of her eyes as they settle on him. 

He does not know what he will do if, when, he loses her.  She deserves everything, how can he give her a shell of nothing? There are some days when he feels that he can work towards deserving her. Today is not one of those days.

Nile watches him tighten as she moves close. As they get to their seats, she sees him trying to sit in a chair a space away from her. Thankfully, another patron arrives and Booker is forced to sit next to her. She clenches her jaw and asks, 

“Am I that scary, you don’t even want to sit next to me in a dark room?”

“You are that scary, dark room notwithstanding.” She moves to slap his arm but he catches her fingers in his. The curtains open. In act one Nile waits for him to interlock their fingers, and when he doesn’t, she moves to pull her hand away from his. Onstage, Cleopatra is awaiting word from Antony only to find that he has married Octavia when Sebastien grips her hand harder in his. They do not get up during intermission. They say nothing. But his hand is in hers and his thumb runs over the ring he gave her. Slow and again, his eyes dark in the dim light.

Egypt goes to war with Rome and he brings her hand up to kiss her wrist. Antony is dying, but all Nile can hear is her heart in her throat as she rests her head against his arm. Neither of them truly watches Cleopatra die of the serpents bite. Too busy sharing air and tracing patterns on each other’s forearms. 

The air is tight between them as they leave the theatre. No big declaration. No long conversation about what they mean to each other. Instead, Nile is too busy laughing at what he says about the actor playing Caesar to worry about the rain starting to fall. They walk in the rain for a while before the droplets start to fall like pennies. Booker slips his arm around her waist to shuffle her under an awning.  Trying to shield her face as best he can, he says, 

“Mon étoile, why don’t you wait here while I-”

Their first kiss tastes like rain and softness. Nile grips the arm of his coat and the hair at his nape. He tightens his arm to pull her in tighter, she fits there like she fits into his bones, his spirit. The back of his coat is soaked in rain when he pulls back to clear his throat. 

“Why don’t you stay here while I go get the car?”

“As long as you make it quick.” She is smirking at him now, rubbing the tips of her fingers down his neck. He nods. He is back with the car in three minutes. 

***

Thankfully their path is free of immortals when they reach the house. This means that he can push her against the railing and steal his breath back from her. He is quietly proud that she is already making small sounds of want. He wants to hear pleasure out loud. So he carries her up the rest of the stairs and into her bedroom. 

The first time they make love their skin is still damp from the rain. Sebastièn undresses her with his eyes as much as his hands. Spends aching moments feeling her skin under his fingers, studying her shape in the glow. He thinks of how fitting it is to lay her by the fireplace. To watch her skin under that same glow and to know that she burns for him.

He leaves her jewelry on. It prides him to see her warm and adored. He hears her say, ‘’Hurry up love!” So he doesn’t. 

He takes her slowly. Long moments spent with his mouth on her breast, his scalp tight as she pulled his hair. He tries to cover her skin in his love. He kisses her jaw, her shoulders. He strokes her spine every chance he gets. His hands squeeze her hips, her waist, her ass.  He feels her hands everywhere. She holds his biceps, his neck, his thighs. She kisses him like he stole the air from her lungs and he tries his best to breathe for her in every second. 

When he moves down her body she tightens her thighs around him. He presses a hand under her knee. Moves to put her leg over his shoulder. He stops to bite her calf, to mold his mouth to her ankle. He lays his tongue against her heat until she cries. His tongue traces the words Adore, and L'amour across her lips until all he can taste is the honey she spills. 

He runs his hands over every inch of her that he can reach, and when he’s sure she’s ready he moves his hips to her. Her mouth pressed up to his while he presses into her. He moves slowly to savor it, but cannot resist the heat of her around him. He is probably raining on her with his tears, but he feels her hands and her mouth on his face and knows that it doesn’t matter

Nile is sure that he would have bruises from her hands if they were anyone else. She listens to him whisper in French. Wonders if he knows that she understands when he calls her perfect. That she knows when he thanks her for gifting him a treasure. She rolls her hips into him, shifts their weight to push him flat on his back. She grins down at him and says that he belongs to her now. 

They learn how to move together, not an instant tide. But instead a rhythm that they work for. They are both crying and laughing when the time comes. Her mouth against his neck and his hand rubbing circles against her heat. They lay there, chests heaving and limbs weak for…who knows how long. It could have been minutes, hours while she pushed his hair back and held him close. She would have laid there for days with his head against her breast. His mouth against hers. It is good, so they stay.

***

Two days after watching Antony die from love and hubris, she sees a gilded box from Chaumet at the foot of her bed. Nile opens the box first because she knows that the note is what he really has to say. She puts her newest gifts in her ears and  meets him on the balcony. 

She puts herself into his lap like she belongs there, because she does. He already has breakfast ready for her. Nile looks at the bowl of her favorite fruits, the still-warm egg, the cheese croissant on the table next to his. The first kiss of the day is lazy and long. His hand behind her neck and her nails in his shoulder. Long sweeps of his tongue against hers, a small bite at the corner of her mouth. Their kisses are easy like their laughter, and as patient as the day is long. She pulls back only to look in his eyes. 

“Good morning love,” she runs her nose along his jaw. His answer shakes her into laughter. 

“Good morning Queen,” In her mirth, he presses their heads together, buries his nose behind her ear, breathes in the scent of her. Nile has her hand on his chest, counting the beats of his heart next to hers. There is a bird on their railing, and Sebastian feeds her from his hands as she listens to the bird sing up the dawn. It’s beautiful how much love lies in what he does. She could listen to the song in his chest while the earth makes all its turns.

She knows that eventually they will have to face the rest of their family. Endure their teasing brothers and smirking sisters. There will be hugs and smiles and money exchanged. But right now? Right now she feeds him the taste of strawberries from her tongue. They have time.

There is an unopened note on her bedside table. Later, when they’ve said I love you and promised forever, this is the note she will come back to. A vow that he whispers to her on their journey across centuries. It reads; 

Egypt, thou knew’ st too well, My heart was to thy rudder tied by the’ strings, And thou shouldst tow me after. O’er my spirit Thy full supremacy thou knew’ st, and that Thy beck might from the bidding of the gods, Command me. - You knew just as I, that I have always been yours.

*

Thanks for reading! If you liked it please lmk! My whole kingdom for the best cheerleader/beta/Bestie ever!!! @jesuisnilunnilautre Tysm my love.

I am currently working on my *Save the Ocean/Quynh* and *Fundie Nicky* fics… But after that, what should our next Book of Nile fic be? I made more moodboards. Do we like them? Also here’s the vibes playlist on Spotify.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

pls scream about Leo a lil bit cause my love for that man is neverending and i live for you guys' blog,,, and ur comte love fuels me??? head empty except for those two pureblood clowns

HNGNGNG I hope that both you and everyone that reads my shenanigans knows how utterly understood I feel when I see anyone stan Comte, if not both of those idiot purebloods bc good lord...I live for two tired fossil men that just want DOMESTIC BLISS. Literally they have no brain cells beyond respect women and we love that for us, it’s spectacular!!

Under a cut bc I went off and is long:

That being said I’d be happy to yell abt Leo!! Where do I even begin, this man was the reason I got into Ikevamp in the first place, and I’ve read just about every single one of his events at this point. He just makes me so TENDER!!!!!! For whatever reason the first thing that came to mind was this one time he lies about being jealous and MC is lolol u a fool if you think I can’t tell when you lie to me. And he’s so fuckiNG SHOOK?????? It’s even funnier because she’s internally like [I’m not 100% sure but for a second there he almost looked mad...time to test this theory even if it’s just A GAME T H E O R Y] And he’s so fucking pikachu meme that shit sends me. I can’t handle the fact that he’s so used to people just assuming he’s fine, that he can handle himself. That he’s lived for so long without really anyone noticing at all. (Comte absolutely notices and will lightly roast him, but doesn’t really push him about it or wants to overstep). And so when MC just actively pays attention and is so gentle with him he’s just floored???

God I’m crying now, but I will just never forget the funeral scene in his fucking rt. This asshole, this absolute moron, straight up tries to come at us with “yOu GeT uSeD tO iT aFtEr HaLf A mIlLeNiUm, i’M nOt SaD”. Like are you serious. Come here and let me hold you before I throttle you. Absolute clown. He’s just always trying so hard to get by on his own and it breaks my heart. How long...how long has he lived just getting by, nursing his own wounds and dragging himself up all by himself. HE LEFT HOME AT LIKE 14 (whatever the fuCK SOME TOO YOUNG AGE) AND RAN STRAIGHT INTO THE HANDS OF PEOPLE THAT HATED HIM FOR HIS TALENT. HE REMEMBERS HIS MENTORS DESTROYING HIS UTENSILS WHILE TRYING TO ESCAPE PARENTS THAT WHOLEHEARTEDLY REJECTED ANY EXPRESSION OF LOVE OR COMPASSION FOR HUMANITY THAT HE CHERISHED SO DEEPLY. I DON’T NEED SLEEP I NEED TO HUG HIM IMMEDIATELY FUCKING HELL.

Like.........there’s just........I don’t know how to explain it, but I once saw it explained so well in a post. It was basically talking about Castlevania, and how in that show Dracula sees humanity’s folly and develops so much hatred he just goes straight to murder rage. And while in some ways I understand that, I understand even more deeply Trevor’s response to humanity’s fear and violence. He says that he knows they’re short-sighted, that maybe we all just don’t deserve saving...but that he’s going to do it anyway. Leonardo just so much gives me that energy of knowing there’s so much pain in the world, but all we can do is keep walking--keep trying, even if we have to claw our way forward. Because if you only see the awfulness in front of you, you forget the way that strangers make silly faces at babies to make them laugh on the train, how a friend will put everything down to race over to someone and comfort them with some ice cream--do anything they can to distract them from the hurt. How the sight of a child crying will prompt careful cooing from a stranger as to their bravery, an offering of cool water, the gentle placement of a bandaid. How a pair of teenagers will spot a lost child in milliseconds and help them seek out their parents protectively. There is so much wretchedness, but also so much beauty in it all, and the older I get the more I see myself wanting to believe in the latter. I want to be hopeful, and easily impressed, and full of love. To be bitter and jaded accomplishes nothing, and only becomes a worsening self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you seek negativity, the more you will find it; and worse, create it.

I also scream a little bit bc like. I’ve gone on and on about how Comte is very obviously in love with MC all the time, and sure that may be true. But...I really don’t think Leo is exempt from that either if I’m honest lmfao. Only because what does Leonardo do when it isn’t his route? He almost never shows up. Once in a while he might appear for a split second in a scene, but he almost never converses with MC beyond those short moments. While Comte is the one to pine openly, I’d wager Leo is the opposite. He pines in absolute silence, because he knows that if he gets any closer--he’s going to fall. He’s going to enjoy it too much, going to keep seeking out more before he can stop himself. And losing another person he loves...he just can’t do it anymore. In his first meeting story he talks about seeing MC’s eyes and feeling like he’d known them all his life, and even in his MS he speaks to just being completely fascinated by and enamored of her. She doesn’t hesitate, always does her best, meets people head-on and without much hesitation. After a lifetime of people that are probably just immediately interested in him for his talents, or always seeking out his company for the novelty, this is someone that doesn’t give a single fuck if he’s Leonardo da Vinci. Sure she’s aware, and sure she’s impressed to some extent, but her respect--her attraction and admiration--is something that has to be earned. 

There’s something so refreshing about how their love was written. Sure it’s the whole fake marriage to a real relationship, but it’s also a kind of subtle enemies to lovers pulled off masterfully. MC is 100% minding her own business, just wants to do what she must in order to get home, tries to focus on her work to keep from thinking about how much she misses her old life. She doesn’t rely on anyone, doesn’t talk about how hard it is or how scary it is or how confusing. And even Leonardo forgets in his curiosity, is just chillin and also just trying to do the bare minimum to keep from getting too attached--figures he can admire her from a distance. And then he sees her staring at the hourglass. And suddenly, he can’t just watch her do that herself. Just wait for the hard times to pass, just sit with her own loneliness--that hollowing silence. There’s something so moving about it because he reaches out precisely because he knows that feeling to his fucking marrow, and literally just cannot watch somebody else do that to themselves. Sure he’s been dealing with it for three hundred years, BUT THIS GOOD BABIE CHILD DOES NOT DESERVE THIS. SHE WORKS HARD AND DESERVES NICE THINGS!!!!!!!! And so he drives her crazy as he races ahead of her, intercepting any attempt for her to preserve that silence and hide. She doesn’t see any pattern to it, and that’s just how he likes it--he doesn’t want her to worry about the how or why. 

Like I fully remembering playing in Japanese and being like oh my fucking god this is hilarious, this man is just a wild fucker and I love this. I was enjoying myself, mostly laughing and shaking my head. But then it just gets so, so serious. I was having so much fun that I, like a fool, forgot the anime effect. If you’re having fun, it’s going to come crashing down without mercy soon enough. And it does. He helps a little girl without any hope play her violin again, and maybe I’m just too English major but I was fucking FLOORED when I realized I didn’t see that that was straight foreshadowing. That little girl without hope? That was MC (and by extension depending on how you play, us). Though the metaphor isn’t quite so easily mapped without a physical space, the connection is clear when you think about it. With his careful social awareness, he makes a place for MC to exist in the mansion so naturally--as though she was meant to be there from the start, crafts a positive impression of her presence with each of the residents. And he does it with zero expectation of anything in return; he’s just happy to see her not stressing herself out anymore or trying to do everything alone. MC doesn’t fall in love with him despite their differences, she falls in love with him because they are the same in a singular and all-encompassing way that matters; they both care about other people so deeply, to the point where they will forego any personal needs in order to make that person’s life easier. Whether it be muting their own hardship, or working to involve another person in a new space (or opening up to the point of self-destruction to keep a person from feeling alone), they go above and beyond what anybody asks of them--perhaps strong to the point of their own detriment, in some cases. 

It’s why I always laugh when he says to Sebastian “That cara mia, she has a good heart.” Of course she does, Leonardo; it certainly takes one to know one. 

And because I literally have no brain cells beyond being in fucking love with Leonardo THE LAKE SCENE IS AN AFFRONT TO MY DIGNITY AND SELF-CONTROL. HOW DARE YOU, SIGNORE. HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO SIT THERE AND WATCH YOU OPEN YOUR HEART TO ME AND NOT BAWL MY EYES OUT AND TRY TO KISS YOU ALL AT THE SAME TIME. SIGNORE “hAhA yOu’Re So SmAlL yOu LoOk LiKe YoU’rE DrOwNiNg In My CoAt.” I WOULD DROWN AND DIE HAPPY--BITCH I TELL YOU THAT.

Like. I can’t think of another route I’ve ever done where I spent a good amount of time like “lmfao this guy is so wild im gonna punch him” to just be in a whirlpool of my own tears, regretting my entire fucking LIFE days later. Like Leonardo’s cultural impact???? Fucking immeasurable, I wish every white man disaster I ever met had a hidden heart of gold in all of his boyish dumbassery, an ICONIC himbo of our time. 

Also because I remembered it before posting and I am Dying^TM. The event where MC was a pureblood and he was human. That entire fucking event. I literally can’t think about it without screaming and crying. Her just so flustered at his reaction to her like “oh look, free real estate” as he plops her in his lap, absolutely no fear, treating her like a princess because of her noble title despite NO NECESSITY BEYOND PLAYFULNESS BUT ALSO STILL MEANING IT IN AN EARNEST WAY, being charming to no END just to see her laugh or look away shyly. 

WHEN HE SAID. WHEN HE SAID “...Can’t leave you alone, or you might go off someplace I can’t follow.” I. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU STRIPPED DEVOTION DOWN TO ITS BARE ESSENTIALS!!!!!! GAH HOW MC HERSELF SAYS “I would tell him the truth but...he’s much too generous for a human. I know he would offer his life without a moment’s hesitation.” How Leo describes the aftermath of her biting him: “Lucky for you, I’m a true gentleman, Unlike my principessa, who took me like a storm” HELLO??????? H E L  L O ???????????????????????? ARE WE JUST GOING TO SLEEP ON THE FACT THAT HE LOST HIS ENTIRE SOUL WHEN SHE BIT HIM???? I--

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

(Also as much as I love him the cigarillos have got to go at some point, boy do you have any idea the shit secondhand smoke does good lordt)

[douxbebearchives]

Meet the Author: Jayismz

Hi, J / Jayismz!

Stories can be found here.

Twitter.

Wattpad. 

__________

When did you start writing Olitz? I started writing Olitz a year ago around December 2019. 

Tell us about yourself! What do you want readers to know about you? I want the readers to know that I’m a pretty humble, easy going guy who loves writing & wants to one day make a career out of it. It’s become a passion of mine. I dislike unnecessary drama & disrespect, & I’m obsessed with fruit snacks. I’m also very easy to talk to, so don’t hesitate to reach out. 

What drew you to Olivia and Fitz? It wasn’t the immediate connection for me. It was the drama between them that pushed & pulled them apart. To see them triumph over all the darkness to show each other a love they never experienced was beautiful.

What made you want to write about them? Honestly? I didn’t plan on writing them but my girl Muses pushed me to do so and I don’t regret it. I love being able to bend and shape them how I please. In ways that the show didn’t.

How would you describe your writing? Drama, Romance, Action, Adventure. Angst as well, depending on the storyline. It’s easy to follow, too. Some points are a bit more subtle but if you read for the sake of the story & not just for olitz smut/fluff then you’ll get the fully painted picture. 

What inspires you to write / create? Honestly? That’s a difficult question. Sometimes watching certain episodes of the show will give me an idea/inspire me. Other times, it’ll be late night inspiration, when I’m supposed to be asleep or life in general. My mind never stops creating, but every idea that I have doesn’t make the site. Also music. That’s heavy inspiration, too. 

Favorite movies, shows, music?

Favorite movies? 1. Dawn of the Dead. 2. The Halloween film series minus one. 3. Jennifer’s Body. 4. The Incredibles film series. 5. The Friday the 13th film series. 6. Insidious 1-2. 7. The Avengers / X-men film series. Even the bad X-men films give me something. 8. Call Me By Your Name. 9. 4th Man Out. 10. Mulligans. 

Favorite shows? 1. The 100. 2. The Witcher. 3. American Dad. 4. Scandal. 5. Kingdom. 

Music? Alternative, pop, electronic, hip hop and r&b, soundtrack, dance, rap, light rock. A little bit of everything.

How long does it take you to write a chapter? I used to be on a once a week schedule but that doesn’t give people time to miss a story and digest the current chapter(s). So, now I wait until I’m ready. Sometimes it takes a week to write, other times it’ll take longer. Depending on how tired, busy and inspired I am. Time limits stress me out. 

Did the show’s themes and plots encourage you or discourage you from writing? The themes I looked for always inspired me. 

Writing AU or Canon? AU.

Reading AU or Canon: some canon is really good, but mostly AU.

________

A favorite line, scene, or paragraph you’ve written.

Though there are many moments I love from all of my stories. The speech Ryan gave to Olivia in Herstory is one of my favorites. 

Ryan: "Option three, we let them bicker and whine and panic because it's you who calls the shots. You are the leader of the free world. You make the tough decisions that mold and shape the world. You break down the barriers of what it means to be president." He slowly strides around the office.

"You're not like the countless men who came into this office and paraded their power as if they were some Gods here to bless us with great fortune and progress only to leave us with broken promises and lies. No, you are Olivia fucking Pope. You are light and you... have more guts than any man I know." Words unwavering, filled with fire.

"Babying everyone with an opinion is not how I see you running this White House. Your White House. So, what's it going to be?"

Reason being is because he sees her for the woman she is here. There’s no underestimation or denial of her skills. Just pure, unadulterated passion and the will to stand by her side knowing that she’s going to make history.

________

Fave Olitz moments? The season 7 conversation when he asked her if he crossed the line. The trail, of course. The lawn kiss in season 6. And also the deleted scene from season 6 where she was leaving the residence and they talked about him having two weeks. OH! And the dug the phone out of the trash moment.

Fave Olitz fanfic moments? I read too much to remember all of them, omg. Don’t hate me y’all 😭. But everyone I follow in the site gives me some of the best moments and they inspire me to write in all honesty.

________

Do you like it when readers engage with you via comments / social media? Of course! It helps. 

Story Reviews: Love them, hate them? I’m indifferent about them. Sometimes they’re so negative but other times, they’re good— constructive even. I read them once every so often before expressing how grateful I am to have people still enjoying my works. Negative ones get deleted without a thought. 

What advice would you give to a new Olitz writer? Just write! Perfection should only matter to you and you only. If it’s perfect to you then I’d say you’ve done a good job. Also, write the story that you want to tell. People tend to scream that something’s not good if the idea they had in their mind doesn’t happen. Stay true to yourself and never let anything dictate the words you write. 

Outside of your fics, do you have any fave Olitz stories or authors? Anything by Musesoftheminds, labellebeaucoup, sweetness04fj, anonolitz, glamour02, loveoverpride, annnnd Keke thegoddess. 

Do you talk to other Olitz authors? If so, do you like the camaraderie? I talk to a good 4 of them. Muses I talk to almost everyday off Twitter, of course, but the other three I’ll reach out and check in or they will. I do like it— the camaraderie. It makes me feel wanted here which means a lot. 

Have you made friends (people you talk to outside of fanfic) because of Olitz / Scandal fanfic? I have, yes.

Before you go, anything else you’d like to share?

Yes. To those that read my stories and newcomers. I’m glad you enjoy my work and I’m happy to continue writing for you all. I know it was a big change with me adding new characters and turning the tides a bit but the reception to them has been so heartwarming.  

I’m happy Ryan has been received well in the fics. He’s an extension of me if I were to put myself in those settings. I used to be so afraid to admit that but it’s nothing to be ashamed about. Adding myself or a fraction of myself in some way pushed me to continue with writing these stories. It’s like I become one with the character thing. Plus, it makes for good dynamics. 

As far as other characters, I tend to use people I know as blueprints as well as other celebrities. For example, Rose / Viper is based on my girl Musesoftheminds if she were in those settings. In When It All Falls & its sequel, Danny is portrayed by actor Marcus Rosner. In Hunted, Walker is portrayed by Charles Melton & Mike is portrayed by Trevante Rhodes. In Herstory, August is portrayed by Henry Cavill and Rose’s husband is portrayed by Jason Mamoa. She picked him herself, LOL. 

And if anyone wants to be in a story of mine, let me know! If it works with the story, we can make it happen now that you know my process. 

Lastly, I want to thank the community for being so open and accepting of me and my ideas. I was afraid that me being an openly gay man and incorporating every facet of that from presentation to relationships to sex would’ve pushed people away, but you’re still here and it means the world to me. And to the writers I speak to personally, thank you for always having my back and for encouraging me to continue. You’ve been nothing but kind & I love you. 

Thank you to DouxBebeArchive for this writer’s spotlight, for always being kind enough to share my works and for being a kind soul. 

xoxo, J

________

Thank you, J, for allowing us to feature you!

[albatris]

is there romance in atdao or is it all just found famiy vibes? if there is romance im real curious about how peeps would express those kinda feelings

hello hi hello this took me AGES I’m very sorry I kept getting distracted by things such as being asleep

anyway yes thank you for the question! romance? yes, we’ve got some of this going on, sure, though I would count the romance as within the found family c:

I don’t know if you wanted a Ramble™ but this is a topic I can ramble about and I’m in a bit of a rambling mood so you can have a ramble, free of charge, just take it up to the register and have them enter the code “logan this is not what I ordered”

but yeah, your question? about eight vaguely relevant tangents immediately spring to mind! also spoilers?? spoilers after the cut

I really should have formatted this response in a way that puts the super spoiler heavy part at the end but since when have I ever ever in my life made things easy for my dear sweet followers

y’all know what I’m like with spoilers by now 

but yeah, to set the scene, there’s two main romantic......................... situations going on in the story, the first being between Noa and Alice, and the second being between Kai, Tris and Shara. so, the former I would describe as “a legitimate romantic subplot” and the latter I would describe as a character tripping and falling into it by sheer chance and just being like “oh whoops well I guess this is what I’m doing now” which is also extremely valid

Noa and Alice end up not being, like, Confirmed Endgame by the end of the story even though much of the plot looks like it’s heading in that direction, and like...... yeah, in my head, they do end up in a romantic relationship at some point post-story, but I’m not sure on what sort of timeline

during the story itself, it’s established that they do share mutual feelings for each other and this is likely heading towards a romantic relationship, but I think since much of the story sees Noa still trying to find her feet in just, like....... having friends at all, and trusting those friends, and knowing who she is in relation to others on any sort of level, I think near the end of the story she decides that she’s not at a place where she wants to try and figure out a romantic relationship just yet

it’s not a hard no, it’s just a “hey not right now” and a “let’s see what happens later down the track, for now it’s just nice to be around friends” ‘cause even that is just super new territory for her

which I worry will make people feel cheated, but also, I think it’s the ending for this subplot that would make the most sense for where the characters are at and would be the most fitting c:

and secondly there’s like

hm. ok

well, there WAS a vaguely jokey post I made yonks back where I pitched the idea of an ATDAO polyamory ending being just like. Alice who’s dating Noa who’s dating Shara who’s dating Kai who’s dating Tris. and I stand by this being solid as hell. but also, given the ending to Noa’s subplot with Alice, it doesn’t really work in the story canon, n though I think Noa and Shara is a dynamic I really enjoy, it would likely not actually play out in reality :P

which leaves the trio of Shara, Kai and Tris, a trio I’ve always vibed with and had vaguely on my radar as a valid poly ending but for some reason didn’t twig that I could just, like, make it canon and no one can stop me LMAO

but yeah, this one, like I said, it’s not so much aHD whole big subplot, it’s just something that falls into place super casually and is never really brought up beyond “oh is this a thing that’s happening?” “yeah” “cool ok”

I think there’s a brief window as a reader where you might be like “ugh this is gonna be a stupid love triangle or some weird jealousy thing” but then it just ends up being a complete non-issue. there’s basically zero romantic drama for this plotline, Tris and Shara are bros and Kai is dating both of them

n as for your question itself, it depends on whether you mean, like.......... how they would go about expressing to someone else that they have romantic feelings or, like, how they express their affections in a romantic scenario

‘cause for the former, the answer for both Tris and Noa is just.... they don’t

Noa because at the start of the story she views her crush on Alice as a huge fucking inconvenience that’s going to make things messy and complicated, so she just tries to ignore her romantic feelings as hard as she can (obviously this doesn’t last hahaha). but yeah, she’s just very pissed off that she has a crush and doesn’t want to acknowledge it :P she also has no idea how to respond when Alice expresses romantic interest in her, this is all extremely new territory

and Tris because he doesn’t realise he’s even experiencing romantic feelings in the first place?? like. the boy has so much baseline anxiety jitteriness that stuff like, idk, feeling your heart pick up pace, butterflies in the stomach, any kinda social nerves you get around the people you like, etc, he experiences this with Kai and is automatically just like “great now you’re here and I’m having a panic attack can you please leave”

just slaps a label of Bad Vibes onto it then later is like Wait A Minute

but yeah, I think neither of them would be super comfy actually expressing their feelings out loud or making that first move, Noa because she’s super fuckin petty and stubborn and Tris because he’s waaaaaaaay too fuckin socially anxious for that shit are you kidding

in terms of how they express their affections though??

so like. I have to reiterate that I’m aro and ace and I have a lot of difficulty in articulating what makes a romance A Romance, like??? I have relationships that are friendships and relationships that are romantic, but I myself don’t really experience romantic attraction in the way other people do

as such, the way I write characters in their romantic expressions tends to be just an extension of how they act in their friendships? which I think is a pretty ok thing to base a romance off anyway, but like, yeah, romance, this is a mystery to me for the most part, do I look like I know what a romance is

anyway I think once Alice and Noa get a little closer there’s a lot of good-natured ribbing and friendly insults, n since they already had a bit of a rivalry going on beforehand I would imagine this competitive streak doesn’t disappear :P Noa is generally uncomfy with being Openly affectionate and soft with others, so I think there would be a lot of more “indirect” ways she shows this care. I think they have the kind of relationship where from an outside perspective you don’t really get how it’s warm and affectionate, but it’s just ‘cause you don’t know the lingo, right

Tris is just the cheerleader type in all friendly relationships I think, lots of encouragement and hype and compliments and enthusiasm, he’s very excitable and very easily impressed hahahaha. though I think it takes people a while to click that he’s legitimately being 100% earnest and genuine, the constant deadpan does not work super well in his favour

anyway I’m gonna hop back up for a sec so I can cover Shara and Kai real quick

these two are............ a bit more direct with actually verbalising their feelings to people? Shara is a socially anxious type, but also not someone who enjoys beating around the bush, n she generally likes to just speak what’s on her mind and be direct with others whenever she can. Kai just kinda........ I mean, I don’t think they consider romantic affections to be a super big deal? at least in theory? I say in theory ‘cause, like, I think they give the impression that this kind of conversation is just super smooth and easy for them, and on the inside they’re like “it’s really not a big deal it’s just feelings it’s whatever” but they’re still anxious about it and had to hype themself up for like a week before going through with it lmao

but ye, in terms of how they express their affections, they’re both fairly similar. you suddenly will just Not Be Able To Get Rid Of Them, they’ll constantly be hanging around in the same space or dragging you into whatever shenanigans they’ve got going on, I think for both of them their favourite expression of love is just sharing in experiences or sharing the same space, just Being Involved And Around 

a “hey come help me run errands” type or a “I’m gonna hang off the back of your sofa while you’re studying and sometimes slingshot balls of paper at you with a rubber band” type :P

and now I have to go on Another Tangent just ‘cause the subject matter is vaguely relevant and idk where else I’m gonna go on this tangent

there is definitely some part of me that’s still super super fond of the idea of Kai being aro??? and I initially did write them as such, but for the moment this is not something that’s remained canon in text ‘cause I’m a little bitch ‘cause like

Kai would be aro in very much the same way I am, which is to say, they’re a person who is extremely full of love and who has difficulty in differentiating what the step is supposed to be between friendship feelings and romantic feelings, so, someone who may not necessarily “get” what makes a romance a romance or experience any feelings different from a strong friendship, but who is still open to being in a romantic relationship

(the difference between us being that Kai Really Really Likes People and enjoys being close with others as much as possible, where I’m more the awkward standoffish hermit type lmao)

but yeah, I was kinda like. well. despite being a perfectly valid aro person in a romantic relationship myself, if I were a fictional character people would probably call me bad rep HAHAHA. like “yeah they’re apparently aro but they don’t really ACT aro and the author put them in a romantic relationship ://”

and while I think there’s value to be had in fiction in exploring the different ways a person can be aro, I just, like................... thought about the hypothetical future discourse and was just like UGH. I cannot be fucking BOTHERED

I get enough people in real life being like “ok but you’re not REALLY aro like why do you even bother having that label it’s not like it matters in your context” even though I’m the goddamn expert on my own experiences you bastards

lmao

but yeah I think aro Kai is canon in my heart hahahaha. and they may end up articulating some of the same feelings, maybe just not with the label applied, who knows

anyway that’s my rambles done I think! thanks for reading n have a nice night c:

[glowyjellyfish]

For some reason, despite not having watched the show in roughly seven years according to when I last wrote thoughts about it, I decided last week to start listening to a podcast about Buffy the Vampire Slayer because October. The podcast turned out to be amazing, and despite being thoroughly disillusioned with Joss and worried that would change how I see the show too much, I started watching along with the podcast. Well, really I’m playing catch-up. I just started the Reptile Boy podcast episode, and I just finished The Pack in actually watching. My perception has changed, but mostly in a more mature/woke direction, I’m seeing more problematic stuff and wanting to deconstruct it, but it’s not hampering my love of the characters. I am trying to use death of the author to try to deconstruct and watsonianly explain things, but sometimes it’s better to just go “the writers fucked up” or “yup, that’s a weird and creepy Joss fetish” and let the characters off the hook and be a Doylist.

Here are the thoughts I’ve had so far, which as you can see cheerfully spanned the entire range of the show, because season one doesn’t give me personally a lot to work with.

-Xander is borderline Nice Guy in season one, and I don’t like it. I am enjoying deconstructing him and figuring him out more than I ever did before, though, despite an uneasy feeling that doylistically it started from Joss’ idea of how a average dorky teenage boy would act when surrounded by awesome girls and then reasons for it were added later. It’s really genuinely interesting that Xander’s the heart of the team and has all the feelings about everybody and wears his heart on his sleeve, crushing a lot because of that leaving him vulnerable in addition to hormones, and that growing up in an abusive and neglectful household led to insecurity and overcompensation and poor coping skills. And it’s a really fascinating idea that he despises vampires because he lost one of his best friends to them, and can’t handle the idea of any being capable of redemption or good behavior because he semi-accidentally staked Jesse while trying that concept out and if they can be redeemable then he can’t forgive himself, but of course the show didn’t want to talk about Jesse and preferred to heavily imply if not outright say that Xander’s feelings about vampires were mostly about jealousy over Buffy, which is the most Nice Guy angle they could have possibly chosen. (I... can’t say I totally mind, as Jesse’s behavior was objectively worse than s1 Xander, but still I think it would have been better to not ignore his impact on Xander.) I’m glad Xander more or less gets over his crush after season one and doesn’t wade any further into Nice Guy territory, if I recall correctly, and I’m not claiming it’s unreasonable for him to have had it in the first place, it’s just so much of his behavior regarding it is so uncomfortable, and it could have been handled loads better.

-weirdly, The Pack is the first episode of season one that I found I still thoroughly liked. I did enjoy the show deconstructing/dealing with some of the Xander problems by cranking them up to eleven, and part of it is that I am a sucker for werewolf and werewolf-like stories, and also a sucker for supernatural things happening to the Normal Harmless People in media, but I honestly think a big part of it is how little the episode uses terrible s1 special effects to play the story out. It’s all in the acting, and there was some really convincing and good acting going on.

-I discovered that the last time I watched seven years ago, I concluded that despite his general attitude, Angel genuinely likes being around fun and lighthearted people. I want to bask in that concept for a moment before I turn it around to an earlier point, and say that if Xander wasn’t constantly openly hostile to Angel, they could very well be bros, and I am bummed the show never tried. I mean, jealousy or not, Xander’s vampire issues should still be a problem. But I like the idea of Angel just silently enjoying Xander’s dumb jokes and his naivety, and logically Angel would also super appreciate Xander being adamant about killing him when he’s gone evil. In fact, even if they never became bro’s in canon, I’m going to declare it headcanon that Angel quite liked Xander as a person, and just did not take kindly to constant jabs at his nature. Although, honestly, Angel probably would be a little jealous of Xander regardless for being the most emphatically human person around, (especially considering what a disaster Angel was when he was Liam? He wouldn’t see Xander and think “what a foolish child”, he’d think “is this what I could have been if I was alive now? if I had a couple good people in my life to protect me and help me grow into a better person?”), and wouldn’t really enjoy Xander constantly reminding him that Xander is human and Angel is not. So here’s the revised headcanon: Angel likes Xander as a person, and would quietly consider him a friend if Xander wasn’t openly hostile to him. Angel does not super enjoy spending time with Xander since it means constant needling and reminders that Xander has what Angel never got, but he does appreciate that Xander never lets his guard down and by extension reminds Angel not to let his guard down, either. I will have to see if that holds up as I rewatch; I am still mired in season 1 and I haven’t gotten up to them even sharing a scene yet.

-I have been thinking a little about the escalation of Willow’s heartbrokenness over the course of the series, and… I know there’s a good topic there but it just makes me sad to think about.

-on willow: I think she’s bi and the show/joss is just bi-phobic. Watsonianly, she just never had a full education in the nuances of sexual orientation, and emphasized her gayness to reassure Tara and to embrace a label to define herself. However, while I think she’s bi, I would describe her as having more attraction to women than men, and might even argue that all her attraction to men is demisexual—Xander’s obvious, and Oz did all the pursuing and showed all the interest early on. I think Willow was excited to be desired and to achieve the milestone of not only “boyfriend” but “cool boyfriend in a band” that helped distance herself from nerdiness, and it took a little while for that to build up to attraction and love. Not super long, but long enough for her to doubt her attraction when thinking about it in hindsight.

-speaking of Oz I have so many Oz thoughts. Oz, I love you, but where did you get the idea that you need to solve all your problems yourself and not talk to anybody about it? Stoicism is cool and all but use your words, Oz. You would solve so many of your problems if you learned how to communicate! WHO TAUGHT YOU TO BEHAVE THIS WAY. I haven’t gotten up to him yet but my fandom brain’s already there, he’s my favorite and I can’t wait to try applying this perception to him in action.

-I would love to peek into the alternate universe where Oz didn’t leave. Hell, I want to know what would have happened both if everything else was basically the same but Oz was still around as a main character (say, he wanted some distance to work on control but didn’t leave town; Willow was very upset about it but perhaps not to the same degree, and still met Tara while looking for a way to train/practice magic and developed feelings for her; New Moon Rising happened similarly but Oz doesn’t leave town at the end; alternately he did leave but just for the first stretch of episodes and he stays after NMR), and also in the different scenario where because Oz isn’t leaving, Xander is picked to be The Gay One. I mean, he’d have to be bi, too, and my mind honestly boggles at the hurdles the show might have had to leap to make it plausible, but I would like to see it. What kind of boyfriend would the show have given Xander, and why am I thinking of Schitt’s Creek when I wonder what a gay romance for Xander would look like?

...but I’m reeeeally getting ahead of myself now. I did not expect to have so many of my thoughts be about a. the dudes and b. Xander, but what can you do? Soon I’ll have material to talk about, for example, how amazing Cordelia is, but for now...

(and yes, I have been pinging from one fandom to the next in order to find The Right One, and doing one or two thought-dumps before I find myself moving on to a different one without finishing the first. I do not control the hyperfixation. I might go back and forth when the newest one loses its shine, but I am really enjoying the concept of revisiting Buffy for October, and might proceed to do the same with Teen Wolf when I’m done if only for a fascinated comparison between the two and what inspired what and what was improved upon or done worse. Might. Hyperfixation, remember.)

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

College au- we're the only two people in this club. What is this club even for + sastiel

"Excuse me, I'm sorry, am I la-" Castiel pauses, freezing mid-step as he sees the hall absolutely empty, save just one guy sitting on the third bench - neutral good, his brain has somehow conjured up, before he can stop it for being that weird. Castiel has never seen this guy before, but for a moment, he can't stop looking - the stranger has boyish bangs brushing over his brows, and a beautiful face - lips drawn into an obvious frown, as he looks down at his phone screen, not having heard or noticed Castiel. He's in an oversized grey Stanford hoodie, and is massaging his head with one hand, with his sleeves pulled up just enough to put on display a pair of slim wrists, as he types away using his other hand on his phone nimbly.

Though the guy has still not noticed him, Castiel feels a shiver go through his spine as his manners perhaps return all at once, and he looks away - this time, at the blackboard, which has absolutely nothing written at the place where the name of the club should've been.

"Why -" He begins, and no sooner has he uttered a single word that the guy in the hoodie is looking up at him and standing up instantly. And he has got to be at least 6'5, so Castiel can almost imagine him towering over him when they stand closer.

"Go -" Castiel can see him almost wishing him a good morning - Dammit, it is kind of embarrassing to almost have gotten confused with the club mentor - before he probably realizes that Castiel looks more his age. Probably to confirm, he says, in an uncertain tone. "Wait a second. Hey?"

And shit, that's a wonderful voice too. "Uh, hey." Castiel hurriedly replies, walking towards him, so that he doesn't have to yell from the teacher's stand. "I'm not - I mean, not at all, okay? I don't even know what this club is for, like hell I'd be mentoring it."

The other guy blinks, and after a moment, seems to find this piece of information very amusing. "Would you believe it? Me neither!"

Castiel pauses. "Really?"

The guy nods, with an easy smile. "I know, it sounds ridiculous. But I was really drunk when I accepted this pamphlet from this one guy, okay? Can't even remember his name now, though we had a whole conversation about this "club" - I think - but it was a typical white guy's name, and well, whatever. It was like an extension of my brother's 'don't take a joint from a guy named Dan' speech. Then, I don't know, but when I woke up today, I didn't remember what it was about or anything but I had multiple reminders set in my phone, at various points in the morning - and all of them telling me to get to this room, at 3 pm, for club. That's it. Club." He snorts at himself, incredulously. "The last time I left a reminder for myself drunkenly was about a deadline that had been preponed, and I suffered 'cause of it, so I didn't take any risks and showed up. But guess what? Drunk Sam can be all strict about timings and crap, but not the purpose of doing things." He's offered his hand to Castiel while he speaks, and Castiel takes it in his.

"Honestly? I wouldn't be able to relate. I do procrastinate through amazing lengths of time when I'm sober, but drunk Castiel is all about the purpose of doing things. I've been known to be a pretty philosophical smartass." He confesses, and is a little bit stunned at how openly he's conversing with this guy - no, Sam - who he didn't know, till a few minutes ago.

"Well, I guess if you'd been with me then, we could've probably known what this club was friggin' for." Sam winks, and Castiel is stunned because he just got winked at, but before he can fry his braincells some more about this, Sam rushes, "I thought I was hungover, but I'm just now realizing that I might have a little alcohol left in my system. So, uh, shut me up if I get weird, okay?" Castiel smiled, as he nodded. before adding his own question. "And, what's your excuse for not knowing why we're here, Castiel?"

"It's kind of a ridiculous one." Castiel admits. "My mother thinks I don't do enough things for a college-kid, and asked my cousin to set me up for things. Like I need someone else to plan my life for me. Especially someone like Gabriel -" He could've easily talked for hours on that line, because Sam was listening with clear hazel eyes and interest - but then he remembered that Sam didn't know him or Gabriel that well. "And well, I had to do what they plotted for me, so out of spite, I didn't read any brochures." He ends, awkwardly.

"A weird kind of spite." Sam says, throwing his head back and laughing gloriously, as Castiel feels his eyes inevitably staring at his neck. He reprimands himself, and averts his eyes, wondering when he crossed the threshold from frustrated to so incredibly frustrated, that he couldn't keep his eyes to himself?

"I was a confused rebel, okay? Had to let it out somehow, and it couldn't have been acapella."

Sam stares at him in disbelief. "You -"

"No, don't look at me like that," Castiel babbles. "I just meant - I was simply looking for sympathy regarding the fact that I had to spend yesterday in acapella club, okay?"

Sam laughs once again. "Dude, you're hilarious, and I have nothing but sympathy for you, okay?" And for the first time, Cas doesn't turn away a compliment, and smiles himself. Hell, this guy was doing things to him.

Sam stops laughing eventually, but the gigantic, and stupidly contagious smile remains.

Castiel basks in it.

And doesn't realize that it's almost a full minute of complete silence - with Sam's laughs he earned, still ringing in his ears, and Sam seeming to be as distracted as he is. It is as if they're both shaken out of their reverie synonymously, as their eyes meet.

"Uh." Castiel says, eloquently.

"Yeah." Sam sighs, straightening his face into a concerned frown. "Let's start worrying where the rest of our club is, shall we?"

"How about we start worrying with where the mentor could be?" Castiel suggests, wryly. "I mean, even if this were a really unpopular club and we turn out to be the only two members - there has to be a professor with us too, right?"

"Yep." Sam agrees, glancing at his watch. "I've been here almost fifteen minutes now."

"Well, I showed up ten minutes after it was supposed to start, because I wanted to get into their bad books." Castiel gestures with a tilt of his head at the lecturer's stand at the front, which was completely empty.

Sam chuckles at that, and honestly, Castiel can't believe that this guy found him funny, because people rarely ever did. Castiel likes him a little more, just for that.

There's a sound outside the door, and Sam hails the janitor there. "Hey, excuse me! Here!" He calls, and the man in the uniform walks in the door - giving them weird stares, as he accepts that they're the only ones in that huge hall. Sam goes on. "Isn't there supposed to be like a club here or something?"

The janitor gives them another look, and then wordlessly shakes his head.

"Are you sure, because we could bet we were told to come here," Castiel joins in, with an apologetic smile.

"I don't know," He says, this time. "Maybe there is. There's a new club almost every week now, so there's a chance you're not wrong."

"You think you could go check with someone for us?" Sam asks this time, pleading. Castiel sees what he's doing - using his large, brown eyes to try and convince the man to do it for them. Whoa, that has got to be effective, because the janitor who was pretty disgruntled already, nods slightly. There's a fleeting thought in Castiel's own head, that he's never going to stand half a chance against Sam looking at him like that - if such a situation ever arose.

"I'll take a look at the timetable for y'all." The janitor says, and Castiel and Sam thank him in unison as he leaves.

Sam shrugs at Castiel. "Well, that's the best we can do for now." And Castiel silently nods, exhaling. "I don't wanna go back to my room yet, 'cause my roommate has his girlfriend over, so I guess I'm going to wait some more." And Castiel doesn't even need to be asked - he's waiting too.

Maybe he lives an incredibly dull life, but there's no place he'd rather be.

Some more time passes, and Castiel is leaning on a desk now, quiet; and Sam is sitting on one, his legs swinging slightly.

"This is weird." Sam declares, after another beat of silence, which didn't seem like any time at all. "We're literally the only ones here."

"We're the only members of this club." Castiel adds, glancing at his watch once again. It's late, now. "And I'm gonna be bold enough to say that we're probably gonna be the only members of this club forever."

He leans into the space between them, and Sam does too.

"Because," He adds, in a mock whisper. "I don't think anyone else knows this club exists."

And then Sam is laughing again, and Castiel is staring at him, with fascination. Because this guy is perfect. He laughs at the things he says, and has a beautiful laugh and a contagious smile, and is tall and nice, and -

"You know what?" Sam interrupts him. "This might seem weird, but just because we're the only ones here doesn't mean it can't be a club."

Castiel raises his eyebrows.

"Because clearly now this is our club." He justifies. "I'm the founder, because I showed up first, and you can be president, because I don't think I like politics." Castiel chortles at that, but Sam keeps going. "And we could totally lead this club."

"By ourselves?"

"By ourselves." Sam beamed, and Castiel has to stifle his own laughter because Sam has this serious - and Cas can't tell if its deadpan, sarcastic or sincere - look in his eyes; but anyone could tell now, that he is at least a little bit tipsy.

"Fine, then. What's the first order of action?" Castiel queries, going with it, because why the hell not? "And don't quote me on that, I don't think that's a real phrase."

"I think it is." Sam assures him. "And the first action is that we need to go get some coffee." He pauses, and Cas looks at him, waiting. "Together." He brightly suffixes, and Castiel all but melts at his smile.

"That's an activity I can get behind," Castiel tells him, as they both straighten and begin to walk out of the hall they'd been waiting in - for club, to goddamn start - since the last half hour. "Excellent idea, Mr. Founder."

"Oh, Mr. Founder is my dad, Cas. I'm just Sam." Sam grins, and it doesn't quite make sense - because Sam might have been growing more drunk through the course of their conversation or maybe Cas has just started to notice it.

Because he notices that Sam may have just called him by a shortened version of his name, and he can't stop smiling because of it. "Alright, Sam." He mumbles, mostly to himself. "I hope you're not drunk enough to realize that you just asked me out."

But then Sam, really slowly, takes his hand and entwines their fingers, and at this point, he can't seem to mind anything anymore - not even the fact, that maybe the latter heard him say that.

*

(Not much later, the janitor comes into the hall to announce that there was no 'club' supposed to be there, though he did find a note in mostly-unreadable handwriting near where the timetable was pinned, addressed to 'Cassie' and 'Samsquatch' from (a not-very-anonymous) anonymous.)

***

Okay, so I wasn't sure if my taglist would all be interested in this, so I'm only tagging the people on my list who I think MIGHT be into it: @petrichoravellichor @rauko-is-a-free-elf (both of you, I am in love with the prompts you've sent, and I promise I'm working on it uwu) @screamatthescreen @3dg310rdsupreme @hellfire37 @noemithenephilim @impulsivedandelion @ladywaywarddsc @all-or-nothing-baby @moderatelypanickedbiromantic @iamcharliebradburylevelperfect

[attackonari]

Take What is Mine (GilHaku)

Wolf Queen AU 

                                                  Part I

The torches burned late into the evening, the city and by extension the Ziggurat all silent in a spell of slumber. Of course guards were patrolling but overall most were in bed dreaming until Utu arrives with the next day. Getting over the wall and evading the guards were child's play for me. Humans senses are quite weak, even weaker when one is exhausted. 

I made my way through the alleyways and avoided civilians and guards alike. I can’t have anyone see me, though my black cloak aids me quite well. Quickly I climb up the steps of the Ziggurat where the illustrious KING resides. I saw him a few times. He and the clay-beast-turned-human, or as human as clay can get. The beast visited us a few times, but never stayed. I doubt it remembers here. It’s calling lied in the King here. The King and his friend would come into the forest gallivanting about, looking for adventure. With the death of Humbaba, my people can now openly run about the forest, is what I thought. Now this King believes the forest is his. His people take the trees. His people hunt the animals. He will learn. He will see that not only did that beast reside here.

I sneak through the halls, using the shadows to my advantage. Human eyesight is really quite poor. Following the scent of spice and sunlight, I avoid the following the scent that smells of earth. The clay being is a formidable opponent. I also avoid the room with the smell of felines. Ugh, lions. Disgusting and lazy creatures. Instead of working as a pack the females do the hunting. I stop in front of a room that smells of mating and that spiced sunlight. Is this King in constant heat? I heard he rutted any and every maiden in his own kingdom before they clay being came into his life. And yet, not a single pup from him. 

Opening the door slowly, I lighten my footsteps and approach the bed. Only one body right in the middle. It seems he makes the females leave before he allows himself to sleep. I examine the body in the bed. Lightly tanned skin covers a body with muscles, as if it never went a day without physically exerting itself. Golden hair atop a head, sunlight strands covering a handsome face. What’s this? Did you expend so much energy that you fell asleep with your mouth open? Easier for me. 

I approach the bed silently, taking a second flask from my belt. Standing above the sleeping King, I lift the flask to my lips, drink and hold the liquid in my mouth. He likes to frolic with women, then let this be a dream for him. Lowering my head, I slowly turn his face towards mine and press my lips against his. I watch as his eyes flutter open, I push my tongue quickly into his mouth and massage his tongue with mine. He swallows the liquid and presses his lips against mine, closing the distance between us. Always ready to rut, really? Unfortunately for him, it doesn’t work. He raises his arms, I use my arms to hold his lips to mine. Feeling his hands around my throat, I see his eyes flutter. Goodnight sweet King. You won’t wake up until we are long gone from your precious Uruk. 

I look through his closet and see a few robes. I dress him in one quickly and then toss a sheet over him. Best not to let him be seen. I look out the window and see it face a garden and promptly toss his body out. The bushes will catch him. Leaping out, I land next to his body. Picking him up and tossing him over my shoulder I bound down the Ziggurat and back to the gates. It’s somehow even easier to sneak about than earlier. Party hour must be over and only guards are left. I finally make it to my entry point and see no guards about. Leaping up and using the stones of the wall sticking out as handholds and footholds, I easily climb the Great Wall of Uruk. 

Unlike the window, I can’t just throw the King over the wall. Jumping down myself would be alright but this guy is kind of heavy. I hear footsteps coming towards my position. Guess it can’t be helped. I shift my legs and feet into those of a wolf and jump off the wall. I hope this doesn’t alert anyone. My paws hit the ground and a small dust cloud rises. I hold still and perk my ears. 

Nothing. 

I shift my legs and feet back to those of a human and begin my trek. We’ll be quite a ways away from the city when I need to redose the King. I pick up my pace and start running. As I run, Nanna finally moves his ass away from the sky and Utu’s barge begins sailing across the sky. Up ahead I see a copse of trees near the river. To think I ran so fast that we had reached the entrance of the forest. I look at the sheet covered ass of this King. Good luck?

However, even I need a break. I lay his body down and uncover his face. Honing my hearing to his breathing and looking at the sky, I anticipate that any moment now he’ll be groggily waking up. I pick up the flask again and prepare my sip. Hearing his breathing change, I sit myself down on his lap and I press my lips to his. His eyes flutter open and I feel hands on my waist. I let my tail brush his arm. I stare at red eyes and watch as they flutter shut again. Sleep a little longer okay King?

With the King once again asleep, I go to the river to rinse my mouth and drink. It’s been a very long night but, I have my prize. I just have to haul it all the way home. Tossing my prize, er the King over my shoulder again, I squ-make sure to hold him securely to my shoulder. I start running deeper and deeper into the forest. The deeper we journey the closer the trees bundle together, as if trying to overtake each other. Large glowing flowers light up in certain parts. It looks less and less like what one would believe to be a forest. 

I begin to slow down when I reach large gates between two larger trees. 

“It’s me,” I say as I remove the hood from my head.

“Welcome back Alpha,” the guards echo and the gate begins to open. I smirk as I shift my haul a bit. It’ll be a few hours longer until he wakes. I jog throughout the streets greeting and nodding to everyone. Pups running afoot, wives scolding their mates, and the elderly gathering together for their daily gossip. 

The Den resides within a large tree. It’s there and in various other trees that my people reside in. And in the lanes between these large trees is where we gather and go about our days. The branches are large enough to walk across to reach in between. Lighted flowers are purposely bloomed across  these walkways to light our home. 

I walk into The Den to a chorus of “Alpha”.

“Ease,” I command, “Return to your work.”

With my haul upon my shoulders, I walk up the stairs and find my advisor. Dark brown hair, turquoise eyes, and a kind personality that hides a strange viciousness. Her lips smile when our eyes meet.

“It seems you’ve returned with your intended after all,” pink lips widen a bit more.

“Careful,” I warn, “if the pack didn’t know you, they would believe you held ill will,” I walked down the hall and to a room with a waterfall running through it. Pulling a lever water began to pool into the large basin. I put my haul on the bench and lit the oven underneath the basin. As the water began to warm up I turned to Sakura upon hearing a noise from her. She was looking at the King. 

“Well,” I asked “what do you think?”

“He is,” she began with an exhausted look on her face.

“What,” I asked, waiting in anticipation for her opinion.

“Too pretty.”

“What?”

“He’s too pretty Alpha,” she crossed her arms. 

“Well, yeah,” I started, “but, he’s also strong.”

“I can see that,” she deadpanned at me, “and where exactly did you steal him from?”

“That Human Kingdom, Uruk,” I nodded my head, “He is their King. That means he is their Alpha. So he’s the strongest right?”

A heavy sigh echoed throughout the room. Damn, she’s rubbing her temples.

“Alpha,” she began, “humans aren’t like us. They don’t make whoever is strongest their leader. And if he is their King, you’ll have to put him back.”

“But,” I try to start only to get cutoff. 

“Alpha,” she starts, giving me this look. It’s like having a Mom talk down to me. 

“Look,” I started before she could, “he and the clay beast defeated Humbaba. Not even we would go near that one. And, and,” I get out, “he started cutting down the outer woods. Also, his hunters come here to hunt our food! They are overhunting and overcutting.”

I was moving about the room. I didn’t realize I had begun to pace. I stop and look at the sleeping King. 

“He is obviously arrogant and his people are just as arrogant as he is. There is no respect for nature or the forest in them,” I cross my arms, “so, I stole HIM. Now, he is mine. He will know what it is like to be owned.” 

Sakura just stares at me. A sigh leaves her lips again. 

“Fine,” she says, “but, know that he will be watched. CLOSELY.”

“Of course,” I agree, “I expect the entire pack to keep an eye on him.” 

With that, I walk up to the body and undress him and myself. I lower his body and mine into the water and begin to clean up. I turn to look at Sakura.

“Have some of the women bring us furs,” I say and run my fingers through liquid sunshine, “Human clothes are so restraining.” 

“Of course Alpha,” she walks out the room. 

With Sakura gone, I make sure to clean every part of myself and then the King. Getting out of the bath and pulling out his body I hear the maidens with the furs giggle. It was only a bath but he’s standing? He really is always ready to rut. I chuckle and thank the girls who leave the room still tittering. Drying our bodies I proceed to wrap my chest with leather bands to cover up. Putting on the leather underskirt, I wrap the fur skirt over the leather skirt. I take the small fur cape and wrap it around my shoulders, put in my fang earrings and looking at the water's surface, dot the edge of my eyes with red eye paint. Looking at the king I wrap the small leather underskirt and fur overskirt around his waist. His red tattoos stand out already. I take a fang necklace and put it around his neck. This fang symbolizes him as “mine.” 

Knowing that my guest would be waking soon, I drape him over my shoulder and quickly walk to my room. Entering the large room, parts of the wood removed to make windows, I place him on the bed of furs that is my bed. I take a light blanket made from a great bear and drape it over his body. Maybe I should paint his cheeks? Two fangs, one on each cheek. Hmm, maybe another time. 

I lay my body next to his and simply watch him sleep off the last bit of the knockout potion. I begin to run my fingers through his hair. Keeping my ears aloft for changes in his breathing I just stared at this specimen of male species. He should have been born a wolf. That would suit him so much. Hearing a change in breath and heartbeat, I can now expect him to wake soon. I continue to let my fingers card through his hair as I see his eyes twitch. 

They open, and rubies stare at me. I can only smile at him. 

“Hello,” I whisper as I inch my face closer to his, “my mate.”

His eyes widen and then narrow. Had I been an ordinary woman, the maneuver he attempted would have worked. Alas, instead of I ending up on my back, he stayed on his. Feisty.

“Where am I wench,” his question venomous. 

Leaning on top of him, I bucked my hips and hear a sharp breath. 

“You,” I begin and lower a hand down to his waist, “are in the Wolf Kingdom of the Cedar Greatwood.”

Another sharp breath. 

“And,” I pass my hand by, but only let the sensation of my claws friction the skirts, “you are charged with quite a few crimes.”

“Mon-”

“AS punishment,” I lean my head down to his throat, “you,” I lick were I hear his pulse beating, “are to become the mate of I,” I transform my tongue to be rougher, the area becoming a nice red, “this Alpha.”

“What are-”

I bit down with my canines. 

Mating successful. 

[localrobosexual]

hewwo my fwiends it's currently real Loving Seaside Hours™ again as spurred by talking to a blessed pal of mine earlier today about our comfort characters, so as I'm tryina ride out this thunderstorm going on outside so I can actually go to sleep I'm just gonna take a moment and gush about this robot and how and why he means so much to me, that alright w y'all lmao

putting a breaker on this bc I already know it's gonna get long and ramble-y lmao. Not gonna mind if u skip this over and don't bother reading it, I just wanna kinda shout into the void about my ocs a bit, don't mind me!

HEY SO YEE I JUST RLLY RLLY LOVE MY BIG DUMB ROBOT SO SO MUCH AAAAAA HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND I COULD NEVER SELL OR TRADE HIM EVER AND I JUST WISH I HAD MORE DISPOSABLE INCOME TO USE TO JUST BUY MORE COMMISSIONS OF HIM BECAUSE GOD EVERY TIME I DRAW HIM AND EVERY TIME SOMEONE ELSE DOES TOO MY HEART JUST FUCKIN SWELLS W LOVE AND HAPPINESS!!!!! THIS ONE LITTLE TRANSFORMERS OC DOES THAT MUCH!!!!!!!! AND ITS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA

ok but. For real now, besides my initial screams that I had to get out hksjdks. Y'all wanna hear some insight into what all went into making him and why he means so much to me and all. Strap in bc it's gonna get Real

let's start with something pretty well known. Maybe not coming from me but a well known fact regardless lmao. Truth be told I wrote out from the paragraph below this one to the bottom without writing an introduction first and I'm too tired to try to come up with anything good now so uh. Hopefully this isn't too jarring hkshdksk my bad y'all my bad.

Anyways. Mental health! Fucked mental health! that's so much fun right!!

Haha yeah. Nah. We all know this. Being depressed is rlly wack y'all. It fuckin messes up ur head big time. I still don't know if I have downright depression, because I still haven't been properly diagnosed, and I never rlly associated my symptoms and the way I was feeling with depression bc it didn't line up with the stereotypical symptoms of depression, so I was (and still am) just calling it my "existential crisis". That was rlly the only word I could use to describe it. And it was dark and it was lonely and crushing and so, so awful. Despite the fact that I had an extremely loving and supportive friend group, I was always, ALWAYS afraid of speaking up about it. Despite them and all, I still felt super SUPER alone in the way I was feeling about life, my future, and my general purpose. This was all just reinforced by my parents and other adults in my life who I tried to come to in the past who would brush me off by saying I was overreacting, or that I'll "figure it out, because everybody does", or just generally not really understanding or showing any empathy at all. It took my entire life up until SENIOR YEAR ENGLISH CLASS when I went to my teacher about how I was feeling about a certain project that was triggering my symptoms, and that was the first time in my life when any adult had actually shown any sort of understanding or sympathy towards me and my feelings. That was the first time in my life where my mental struggles were validated by someone I respected and held to high regard.

But I still felt so very very alone, with no one to really talk to or who I knew was going through the same thing as me. So I ended up just,, , making someone who did.

Fun fact, before I really went ham on his development, Seaside was just gonna be a one-off oc with a happy go-lucky attitude and not much else about him. It was only until I heard the song What We Will Never Know (which later ended up becoming one of his theme songs bc of this) for the first time that I decided "WAIT,,. ,, BUT,, , WHAT IF,,. , ,,, , I MADE HIM SAD TOO" pretty much hkHKDJDJSK and that's what kick started his development!!

here I was, this sad, depressed, deeply lonely bitch with a love for making characters who played on extensions of myself, finally able to make something to cope with how awful I was feeling all the time. And that's what Seaside kinda was to me at first, he was my coping mechanism for working through hard bouts of my existenial crisis. I crafted his backstory to fit EXACTLY what I was going through at the time. He was content but never truly happy with how his life had been for as long as he could remember, then something exciting and new happens and he's suddenly thrust into a brand new world with so many new possibilities, but as he starts to settle in he realizes just how lost and alone he truly is in this new environment and he doesn't know where to go or what to do with himself. This is literally, EXACTLY a point-to-point retelling of my experience going through high school, graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with my life all with my mental health rapidly deteriorating around me. And having someone like that in my life, even fictional, even one I literally made up myself, made me feel better. I'd daydream scenarios of of us going on little adventures at the beach at night where no one else would see him in robot mode (gotta keep up the disguise aspect and all), but mostly it was just us hanging out, usually cuddled up to each other bc it gets cold on the beach at night, looking up at the stars, chillin and talking and just taking comfort in each other's presences and knowing that we weren't alone in our struggles. And I KNOW that sounds super stupid and cringey and dumb but like, that's genuinely what made, and still does, make me happy and it's what I used to help me hold on just a little longer to get through some of the really rough periods of my existenial crisis. When it got super bad, when I still even couldn't tell my closest friends about how low I was feeling, I still at least had Seaside with me to help me cope.

it wasn't until it got to the point where I was pretty much (lovingly) forced to wake up to the reality that I was rapidly becoming genuinely suicidal that things finally started to change, even just a little bit. I only very recently finally started to get my mind right, I finally told my parents the whole truth about how I was feeling, I got put on some meds that are honestly doing WONDERS for me rn, and I'm definitely in a much better place mentally then I was just a few months ago. I certainly still have a long way to go, but for now I'm just trying to enjoy the ride and just soak up and relish in the fact that I'm, for the first time in years, genuinely going about my days just happy to be out here living life without constantly being weighed down by the soul crushingly empty sorrow that hung over me 24/7. (and to said close group of friends, if you're indeed reading this, this may be the first time you're hearing about what I've been going through all the time, and if that's the case, I'm gonna have to kindly ask that you not come to me about it. I'll know when I'm ready to talk about this openly, but now I don't think I am. I'm really sorry to have kept it from y'all for so long, it really was just eating me up inside, but I think I explained myself well enough)

so now that I'm doing much better mentally, Seaside's outlook has kinda changed, but at the same time, not really?? he's still my comfort character for sure, always will be, but now he's not so much a coping mechanism as he is just a solid source of happiness and peace to turn to every now and again. This one little transformers oc just genuinely makes me really really happy, and I love to just soak it all in and feel every little thing!! We still share the not knowing what we're doing with our lives aspect of ourselves, but now it's a little less completely lost and anguished and hopeless and a little more hopeful and reassuring. Things are gonna be ok. We'll figure this out at our own pace. And we'll still have each other to turn to at every step of the way.

there's a lot of different kinds of comfort energies that many different kinds of comfort characters give off, and different ones resonate more with different people. The most common one I'll see at least is a kind of is parental comfort, someone you can come to for guidance in life because they have the experience to advise you on what to do and can be almost a better pseudo-parental figure. Mom friend types, loving dad energy, that kind of thing. Someone to protect you and give you big strong hugs and stuff. Seaside gives off a similar yet very different kind of comfort energy to me. It's not parental in any way because he's far too young (relatively, even in Cybertronian standards. He'd be like, mid to late 20s in human years) and inexperienced, and, frankly, still a little too naive and unknowing about a lot of things to really be someone to turn to for guidance or just generally be a pseudo-parental figure, but instead, he's just a good friend. He's a perfect kind of friend that'd stand by your side and will always be there for you through the ups and downs of life, someone who knows how to cheer you up when you're sad, someone you can share a solidarity in where you know you're experiencing the exact same struggles. He's just a good shoulder to lean on and a constant reminder that I'm never alone. And I couldn't ask for anything better tbh

so yeah. There's my ramble I guess lmao. To sum it up rlly I just love this big dumb robot w all my heart and soul and I'm so so glad I made him 💕💕💕

[lightmywaytodawn]

On the sleepng realm theory....

It points out some interesting things, but on the whole, I'm not finding myself on board with it.

I don't have an issue with people making far-fetched theories, and I think people are allowed freedom in expressing them. But I do feel that it also creates a bit of false hope, especially with how far spread this particular one went.

This isn't directed at anything or anyone, I just want to put my thoughts out there. Includes some ship talk.

First, things I did find interesting. One was Kairi's hoodie. The whole time I actually thought they were panda ears as I didn't look closely enough to notice the drooped shape. Whether it actually has meaning, I don't know, but the ears are indeed Chirithy-shaped.

KH3 did at its very core feels odd. But whether that’s just a case of bad writing, or some ridiculously convoluted bs-plotline going on in the background, is another matter.

I will admit they clearly put a lot of thought and effort into the theory. The dedication to write that much and find screenshots and gifs of all scenes in question must have taken a lot of time. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that over-analyzing every small detail is a good thing.

My biggest issue is on the things that they really reach for, especially regarding Kairi’s scenes. Saying that she didn’t take a bite of the paopu fruit, or that the scenes aren’t romantic-coded is cherry picking. I also have serious contention with her being labeled as “not the real Kairi”, as she already gets shafted by the writing staff enough without that. I flat out don’t like Sora and Kairi in a romantic relationship--but KH3 has made it explicitly clear that they are endgame. The signs have been there since KH1. While I do think the whole thing regarding her heart missing raises a lot of questions, I can’t bring myself to agree that they’ve gone through the same scenario x amount of times. Time loop has been done a million times before, and very, very few series have actually made it worthwhile. As convoluted as KH already is, this is one route I really don’t want it to take. Time traveling as it is is messy enough, and if Nomura really goes for time loop, then I really might quit.

The writers also seem to be writing off the fact that only Dream Eaters can appear in the Sleeping Realm. They also seem to be confusing the Datascape of KHUx with it, or mixing them to create an entirely unheard of Realm altogether. Any response I see in question to that evades really answering the question. Though by far the most reaching part might very well be the logo. I can’t see it as anything but a diagonal gradient.

The whole doc also reads from a shipper bias. Which is not something I think is particularly bad, and you can never hide your biases 100%. But when it comes to the fact that they’re very clearly downplaying Sora and Kairi scenes, while overanalyzing every Riku and Sora scene, it comes off more as a disappointment with what they were given. While I won’t defend Sora and Kairi’s relationship, since she’s off screen 95% of the time and never given a chance to actually gain natural development with him, it’s just silly to go and say that those scenes had no romantic intent. I’ve seen both the JP and Eng version, and based on cultural nuances, I don’t think those scenes were intended as friendship or parting. They were clearly wrapping up the romantic sub-plot that’s happened since KH1. Hand-holding in particular is a much bigger thing in Japan than it is in the West.

I will admit that JP->Eng translation for some scenes on Riku’s part came off with less impact. Japanese however is a very contextual language, and the same word can be translated multiple ways depending purely on context. The one that comes up in the document most is 大切な人. Essentially meaning, someone precious. For it to be translated on Hercules side as the one he loves most makes sense, because we all know Hercules and Meg’s relationship is romantic, and the West in general writes far more openly romantic than Japan does. While I didn’t like how it was translated on Riku’s side, using “important/precious person” over “true love” still would have made more sense. Again with the Elsa and Anna mirrors. The intent was familial love. I do wish they had translated the 俺は信じる、お前はあきらめない part more accurately, as it does show his faith  in Sora better.

And this brings me to the false hope part. Kingdom Hearts is, for all intents and purposes, a Japanese game made by middle-aged Japanese men, and co-owned by Disney. Even if I could argue that Riku maybe has one-sided feelings for Sora, if you expect the game devs to ever confirm something to that extent, then you’re barking up the wrong tree. And this is from the point of view for someone who has shipped them for 13 years of my life. Because yes, they have a really well developed relationship, due to the amount of focus both characters get in each game. But I knew deep down since KH1 that it would never go anywhere. I accepted it long ago. Yet now I’m seeing people gain hope from this doc that maybe it still has a canon chance, and this is what I feel is disingenuous to the fandom. I don’t want to see others get their hopes up for future installments only to end up getting hurt.

I want to be clear that I won’t stop shipping them just because my ship sunk in canon. And I won’t say I’m okay with it either. At first I shrugged it off, but it kind of hit much later on that I wasn’t really ready to see it happen. The writers of the doc seem to be dealing with escapism. Which is fine, you don’t have to accept canon, but that they or others who’ve read the theory seem to aggressively be pushing it, is what puts a bad taste in my mouth.

They also give Nomura a lot of credit for things he’s pulled out of his ass for the past 17 years to keep the series going. And I’m just personally not a fan of the whole “it was all a dream”. I feel that to say that for a game people waited so long for is a low blow to the fans. At least in DDD, the dream instances were obvious from the start, and Riku had the big glowing Dream Eater sigil on his back. It wasn’t using hidden or trick narrative--it was stupidly simple, and in plain sight. Which is what a lot of KH is, under the surface--stupidly simple. Just told in an overly convoluted, pointlessly roundabout way.

I also fail to see how anyone can take Yozora as anything but Nomura’s salt about Noctis and Versus. How his salt affected KH3 though is a topic for another time.

Either way... people are free to believe what they want, and support what they want. But I can’t in good faith tell people to have hope that Riku and Sora would ever become a canon couple. Not with my extensive experience with Japanese media.

[entrance01]

Highlighter and Bronzer: Constant Dualities in Makeup Culture

As written by a makeup user

Makeup is highly polarizing subject to the people who wear it, refuse to wear it, and resign to wear it, and speaking honestly? It can get hard to keep a singular, straight thought about it. Personally speaking at least.

A lot of the topics mentioned were usually written separately, and that’s fine. One person posting how makeup praises European features isn’t wrong! Just like another post saying how makeup fetishizes black features/trying to pass as “racially ambiguous” also isn’t wrong! These two separate camps, among the others I will touch on later, can both exist in the same realm. It’s just our job to see both sides and how either and both affect people.

I know this is far from being the first makeup-critical post nor its last, but throughout my years on this hell site, I have stumbled across numerous articles and thoughts. They are all wonderful and are written with more insight than I could ever, but this compilation is (mostly) for me.

Eurocentric Beauty Standards and Modern Black/Brownface

What do we see when we open Instagram or look up makeup artists on Youtube? Most probably the same cut and crease. The same extensive bronzer. The same cut cheekbones. The same C-shaped highlighted area. And you get the point! But what does it mean? Am I just ragging on the go-to, tried and true looks? Well yes. I hate seeing a lack of creativity, but I want to look deeper into what these artists are choosing to accentuate; what they are choosing to accentuate or hide; what they are choosing to do with their natural skin colour.

One tumblr user (that has since left this site) said, you can’t divorce beauty culture from white supremacy. And they were right. A lot of IG/YT tends still uphold whiteness as a kind of ideal! This perpetuation could be as innocent as contouring tutorials telling viewers to give themselves high cheekbones; a small, straight nose; deeper set eyes; “melon seed” jaws; etc., to an industry-wide problem like Snapchat/IG filters lightening skin tones and companies not providing a ful, broad range of foundations and concealers.

It really wasn’t until, like, what? 2017? where Fenty Beauty made a foundation line with a thorough and broad spectrum that covered almost every skin tone. And that is a travesty! What were you telling these women (and men)? “You should be going lighter than your actual skin shade”? But what’s more insidious than that is actually going out and making skin brightening products for women, especially in countries where colorism is more pronounced –like Central and South America and Asia (especially South and Southeast Asia).

The latter is not just an instance of not a lack of representation (and yes, I acknowledge that we ought to see more darker skinned actors and celebrities and so forth) but is something that can affect the livelihoods of people. Without a doubt, people treat you differently if you look a certain way. It becomes easier to navigate through society! Job prospects open up once you fit these standards, even if they are racist; one non-makeup example is how black women are expected to straighten their hair for jobs, have something like 1A to 2C hair, while other manageable hair styles that are more unique to women with 3A-4C hair (box braids, cornrows, etc.) are seen as inappropriate. But at the same time, non-black people go and appropriate these looks.

As tumblr user estoma6mp (now, luzonbleedingheart) mentioned in their (now deleted) post, what is overlining/plumping their lips and taking the styles of black women other than imitating blackness/modernized blackface? Look at Ariana Grande. The Jenners. These parties “tan” and “bronze” to achieve… I think a certain “racial ambiguity” as well as… just stealing the creative thoughts of African American (and also Latinx) women. It’s…. the coveting and commodification of “ethnic” features and styles for the sake of seeming fashionable and clout while also resting comfortably knowing that you can take off all the bronzer at the end of the day.

The Sexualization of Makeup and Children and the Infantilizing of Grown Women

The names of products and shades are undoubtedly important in creating an image and a connection in the minds of consumers. Like, what does “Killawatt” put in your mind, in my mind, other than something super bright and fluorescent like concert lights? But not all makeup will have simple names like “rose” or “peony” for lipsticks. Those don’t have enough edge. It doesn’t sell sex. But should makeup have to sell sex?

As marisatomay said in her post, makeup companies shouldn’t be naming their products after sexual terms. She goes to list names like “climax” and “super orgasm” and puns like “glow job” that may seem far fetched and almost like a strawman, but no. Those are actual names. Just look at the lip gloss selection from NARS’ site: Orgasm, Super Orgasm, First Time, Strip Tease, Triple X, are just a handful of names. There are so much more I’m not mentioning! I wouldn’t be so opposed to this naming convention if it weren’t for the fact that there are plenty of young girls who are looking to makeup as a form of expression.

Now, whether children and young teenagers should be using makeup is another point of debate. If a child wants to play with makeup and draw flowers on their face and add glitter, that’s fine! It’s all in good fun. But the moment you have girls as young as 7 or 8 becoming makeup artists, contouring, beating their faces, making themselves look like they are in their 20s, that’s where things get concerning. Like, we should let children be children and allow them creativity, but creativity with makeup is hard because the line between having fun and feeling like you need to conform to certain looks/have certain knowledge about making yourself look “beautiful” is getting more and more blurred. It’s already terrible to see elementary school children think that they need to look a certain way, wear makeup a certain way to be seen as pretty, but the makeup industry isn’t just exploiting these young girls’ insecurities. They also exploit the girls themselves. When we see brands posting closeup videos of young girls putting on lip gloss, lips parted, it evokes a certain image.

On the other hand, however, I’ve also seen makeup palettes that are very reminiscent of childhood. Saffron-Sugar wrote on her blog, that a lot of makeup also has an “unpleasantly infantilizing tone,” and I agree! Like, which makeup company hasn’t collaborated with Disney? Mermaid, unicorn, faerie, and even dessert themed products are omnipresent. This by itself isn’t that much of an issue –these are cute aesthetics, and I can get behind some of them—but it really patronizes a lot of adult women. These circumstances emphasize certain connotations with regards to (perhaps feigned) girliness.

While I said makeup can sexualize minors and expose them to unwarranted sexual tension, makeup can also sexualize that same young, innocent image in women. It’s the idea of recapturing girlhood and innocence and purity. It’s sickening because it kinda adds this “barely legal” culture –where men wait for girls to turn 18 as if legality is the only thing that differentiates a girl from a woman. And this is disgusting.

Empowerment and Societal Coercion and the Industry that Doesn’t Care

I’m glad to be living in a time and a world where I can speak my thoughts openly and find ways to be myself, but… I think it’s also this individualism that gives us all an overinflated sense of self. It’s difficult to openly criticize our behavior, our actions, as consumers and as people in a capitalistic society because so many of us do take these as personal attacks. As if we were exempt from reflecting on ourselves and have free reign to perpetuate harmful ideology and phenomena.

So…. It was, like, 2012? 2013? Where we got all these “eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man!!” and “blind them with your highlighter!” comments and posts. The idea, if I recall everything correctly, was that… a lot of girls, a lot of women, were emphasizing that they weren’t wearing makeup for anyone else other than themselves. And I think that is a wonder idea. It’s nice that you can make a hobby out of this, but I also know that there are plenty of others who are less than enthused about makeup.

I don’t hate on the women in the above scenario, totally don’t! But they can’t go around yelling how something (especially makeup) is a choice when to many others it isn’t. Plenty of women feel like they need to wear makeup in order to better navigate through society. As a personal anecdote, I know that I have been treated far better as a person the moment I “glowed up” and tried to coordinate outfits better/put on makeup in a more conventionally attractive manner/adhering to certain beauty standards. I know that in some service jobs such as waiting tables, the number of tips a waiter gets can be determined by her makeup. And let’s not even go into mental health professionals and their patients wearing makeup! It’s unrealistic the amount of time women has to spend on our appearances just to be treated like “normal.”

And the thing is, the makeup industry doesn’t care if you’re either woman! These million-dollar companies, founded on the institutional control of how women look and behave, are getting money from both camps. Advertisement will be sprinkled with buzzwords such as “empowering” and “girl boss” but those are empty words when all they want is to bank on these trends and women’s wants and/or insecurities.

 And here’s the part where I struggle to conclude all my thoughts. Like my previous post about art commissions and business, this is nothing more than a rehash of what people before me have said: I just wanted to compile everything in a more accessible post for myself, rather than scroll through my makeup tag on my main blog. But I guess I need to have some form of closure for anybody who has actually stuck around to get here (and thank you for doing so!).

All of the circumstances mentioned are… quite separate from each other all things considered, but they are all part of a larger, more foreboding culture that makes women feel like they need to look a certain way (even if they think they are being unique and creative). Indeed, makeup is a form of expression and creativity for a lot of women, but to just blindly act without any insight on what you are consuming, what you are doing, and why you are doing it, is honestly irresponsible. Like any other part of culture, a part of media (especially social), we need to see who is benefiting from our actions and who is getting hurt.