#like your whole identity and intimacy you could have fades away and i understand why sanji would snap at them

[beanghostprincess]

Just thinking about the fact Sora died because of the poison she drink to save her kids, because she is gentle and kind. And her only son who the desesperate act work is as kind as her.

But the StrawHats don't know she did that, this is something he don't have the courage to tell. And they know even less that Sanji is ready to do the same.

He isn't pround of that, but he ends up discovering the poison she drink and even have the recipe of how to do it. Because the germa soldiers teached them this and others poisons.

And this little fact is like a silent threat, a thing that if the crew discovers this, would be attentive about anything he drinks until they're certainly he's not gonna do the same thing his mother did.

And when the StrawHats learn about this fact, the exactly thing he expected happens, he notice Chopper and Robin always near the kitchen with the excuse of how's there was calmer, Nami and Usopp start to do his drinks for him or always are looking him while he's doing it, the others does things too. And Sanji notices all of this.

It's needed months to calm the crew, but still after they stop, all of them always have this fear in the back of they're minds (Luffy even goes as far as asking Law to do a check up on Sanji the next time they meet), that he will do this, but they want to believe he will not. They really want to.

(Just a thought that come to my mind yesterday, and I wanted to share, y'know? Based on some headcanons)

Oh, damn. This honestly hits close to home and it's really interesting so I wanna talk about it. But, you know, it's a serious topic so:

TW // Suicide, poison, self-harm, depression, etc etc you know the drill about Sanji and his issues. I don't go deep, tho, so It's not THAT explicit but could be triggering.

I think that after WCI and Wano, they'd all be worried. Sanji has always been pretty self-sacrificing with everyone and he doesn't value his life in the slightest. He doesn't show signs at first of being actively suicidal but the way he treats his own life makes it clear that he gets into self-sabotaging situations to the point of it being considered self-harm or even passive suicidal behavior. He just- Doesn't care about dying because he puts others first all the time. He has been doing that forever and Skypiea is just one of the times he does that. But, y'know, they never notice that. At least not everyone. I think Zoro is the first to know because of Thriller Bark, honestly. That's one of the biggest signs imo. But then they're separated and it's not like they can talk about it. Then two years happen and uh, shit goes downhill after that because WCI is just utterly traumatizing for Sanji and Wano makes everything worse to the point of asking Zoro to kill him if he loses himself. And we always say that's really gay (because it is) but we ignore the whole point of Sanji genuinely asking somebody to kill him without any fucking hesitation. And he spends all of Wano having the biggest crisis of his life wondering if he's human enough or worthy of being in the crew and???? What the actual fuck. Anyway, I think the crew ends up finding out about everything and I don't believe Sanji is well mentally after all of this. I know they don't write it like this because things are happening and they have to go to Egghead, but I think Sanji would end up really fucked up after WCI and Wano to the point of being worrisome.

If they do find out about the poison thing and Sanj's suicidal thoughts (honestly, I don't know how they would even find out about it unless Reiju tells them or Sanji snaps and yells about that, but, y'know. The point is that they know and Sanji is getting worse) I think you're completely right and they'd be all over him. Because that's exactly what happens when somebody acts this way. They look after him to a suffocating extent and watch his steps. They take turns to watch him. They prepare his drinks. They even make up something so he doesn't have to be on night watch so he can sleep, because he's probably not sleeping either. Or eating well, for that matter, which is what makes them all worry even more in the first place.

And hear me out, because I think he would try to do it. Like- Commit, I mean. Not gonna get into the topic too deep but I think he'd try and I think it wouldn't work because somebody would help him right away and I think he'd try to play it off as a mistake and a misunderstanding, but everyone would know. And he'd just try to ignore their pep talks and interventions.

This is projecting from personal experience and everyone goes through these things differently, but God, I think he'd fucking hate it if they looked after him. Because he knows he won't do it again. At least he doesn't want to do it again. But everybody keeps looking after him like he's about to break at any moment and it's so damn annoying to not have any type of privacy because they think he's gonna off himself the second he's alone. And he gets why they're doing it and appreciates their efforts to look after him, but acting this way is not the answer to his problems. It's just asphyxiating and it isn't helping him get better. You know how the crew is, they're NOT subtle and careful with anything and they're just-- They have good intentions but it's suffocating and he can't handle it anymore.

And I think he'd snap. I actually want to write a fic about this if you let me use your idea (I will credit you, ofc) because I think it'd be great to make him snap at Nami, specifically, and then regret it completely.

Long story short because this is getting long: I think Brook and Robin would end up talking things out with him because they're the ones who understand him the most in this situation. He'd apologize to Nami but also everyone else would apologize too for acting this way, they were just worried and wanted to look after him. I think, after this, the only ones watching Sanji would be Brook and Robin and they'd do it carefully, supporting him and helping him get better. And the whole crew would be next to him along the way but doing it with less assertiveness and just gentler.

I think the concept of Sanji thinking about death so often is great because it adds depth to his character and it's not a crazy thought. I think it's pretty damn canon, actually. At least him being careless about his own life.

[mimosaeyes]

“Moonshadow elf markings are a way to signal your identity. We renew them when they fade, and we redo them if we feel like we’ve changed. But you don’t just decide for yourself. You choose someone you trust. Someone who means the most to you.”

Post 3x09. Rayla asks Callum to help her paint markings on her arms.

[also available here on AO3]

Callum wakes, and reaches for her instinctively.

Since the battle — since the clash and clamour, the fall and then the flight — he’s needed Rayla beside him while they both wait for sleep to come. He thinks she needs him, too. He’s noticed all the times she twitches and flinches from the things that dwell in her subconscious, and come out to haunt her at night. His being there… helps. Sometimes, at least.

But when he creaks his bleary eyes open, he finds that the room is empty. Callum sits up, his brow furrowing, his movements still slow and clumsy. Where could she be? Where would she go?

He suspects he knows the answer, and yet it still surprises him somewhat when he finds her on the very top of the Spire.

The moon is full tonight. It seems to fill the entire sky with its glow, and it renders the silhouette of a certain elf nearly invisible. Rayla is little more than a shadow, curled up into herself on the edge of the platform.

Callum’s breath catches slightly in his throat. In the dream-like atmosphere, he approaches her and then, without saying a word, sits next to her.

After a moment, Rayla scoots closer and leans her head on his shoulder. After a few more moments, she sighs, and reappears out of her shadow form.

“There you are,” Callum murmurs.

He’s learning — gradually, and against his usual impulse — not to force her to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering her. The best thing he can do is be present, and wait for her to open up in her own time.

Rayla trembles ever so slightly.

“Are you cold?” he asks, and starts to tug at his scarf with his free arm.

She’s already shaking her head. “It’s just… you reminded me of Ethari.”

Of course. When Ethari temporarily broke the spell that ghosted Rayla, that’s what he said. Take my hand. There you are.

Which means… “You’re missing home.”

He doesn’t say it like a question, but she understands that it sort of is. “Always,” Rayla quietly admits. “But I don’t think I’m ready to go back and confront anyone. Not yet.”

She takes a deep breath and pulls back from him so she can look at him directly. “There’s something else I need to do. And I need your help.”

“Anything,” Callum says automatically. Then he flushes, embarrassed. “Uh, that came out a little too fast.”

For the first time since they’ve been up here, Rayla cracks a bit of a smile. “You’ve already jumped off a mountain for me. I think we’re a ways past that.”

Callum seizes his chance. “Speaking of, would you mind if we continue this conversation just a bit further from the deadly precipice?” Even seated and alone, sans monomaniacal dark mage, seeing Rayla here makes his heart clench.

“Oh!” Rayla’s eyes widen and she all but drags Callum away from the edge. “Better?”

Just those two words are enough for him to realise they’ve shifted for his benefit rather than hers. Even though she was the one who threw herself off the Spire without even a sliver of a chance at survival, he’s the one who gets nightmares about her falling. About not being in time to catch her.

On one occasion in the past few days, Rayla woke up crying and scrabbled around in the dark for him. She dreamt that he’d done as she asked and fled with Zym, and that as she stared down faceless human armies alone, she realised much too late that all she wanted was to see him one last time. That was what really horrified her.

Callum remembers her musing, almost detachedly, that she wondered if her parents had thought of her when they made their final stand. He hugged her for ages after she said that.

Now her hands are on his arms. She’s here, she’s safe, and she’s so impossibly brave and beautiful. Callum huffs through his nose. “Amazing,” he says, tipping his chin at her.

Rayla watches him with that one expression of hers that roughly translates to I don’t understand your human ways, but I find them quite endearing.

Callum clears his throat. “So, uh, what did you need help with?”

She answers with an apparent non sequitur. “How much do you know about these?” she asks, indicating the purple markings under her eyes.

“I know they’re temporary,” Callum ventures. Rayla mentioned as much in passing once. “And that they mean something, but I don’t know what. Is it a language of some sort?”

Rayla squints, considering. “In a way. There isn’t a real alphabet, or grammar. It’s pictorial.”

“Like linguistics, but with pictures…” He snaps his fingers. “Pinguistics!”

She rolls her eyes at him, but her expression is fond. “Why do I love you?”

“I dunno. But I love you too.” He beams at her.

Then she says, “I need you to fly me down to the forest.”

Callum hasn’t conjured mage wings since the battle. He’s not entirely sure it’ll even work for him again. Maybe that first time was a fluke, or a moment of grace born of desperation. After all, Ibis said that even for Skywing elves, mastering the spell is rare.

But he nods. “Stand back,” he warns. He doesn’t want the wings to knock into her. He holds out both arms and closes his eyes, focusing on his own breaths.

In. Out. In.

“Manus. Pluma. Volantus.”

…Nothing.

Disappointed, Callum reopens his eyes. Rayla takes a couple of steps toward him. He watches her and shrugs his distinctly non-feathery arms. “I’m sorry, Rayla. I—”

He cuts himself off as she steps right into his space and wraps both her arms around his neck securely. She stands so close that he can feel the ridges of her armour through his tunic. She gives him a gentle smile and leans forward to press their foreheads together. “I trust you, Callum.”

And it’s like something slots into place in his chest, evicting the lingering fear and anxiety, and leaving just: love, love, love. Barely moving his lips, Callum whispers, “Manus. Pluma. Volantus.”

He knows at once that it’s worked. His wings materialise around Rayla, enfolding her in softness and warmth.

She pulls back just enough to smirk at him. “I think your magic likes me,” she teases.

Callum makes a face at her. “Are we headed any direction in particular?”

“I’ll know it when I see it,” she replies, which doesn’t clear up his confusion at all. She clings tight as they take off, and he wishes once again that the spell gave him wings in addition to his arms, so he could hold her himself.

They drift down through the cloud layer and fly low over the treetops, on Rayla’s request. The moonlight is bright enough that Callum isn’t quite flying blind, but it’s still mildly terrifying. Not for Rayla, though. She whoops and howls a couple of times, until Callum starts asking himself if she really just wanted a joyride. He’d be okay with that, honestly.

Then she exclaims, “I see it! Down there!” She points at a small clearing, through which runs a brook.

As soon as they’ve landed, and before Callum is even done reversing the spell, Rayla is running over to a nondescript bush with dark berries. He can’t make out the colour at first, but then she plucks several of them and holds them out to him.

They’re the exact same purple as her markings.

“I’m not sure what they were called before we started using them as a pigment, but these are glyphberries,” Rayla explains.

Callum looks down at her palm, where the squishy berries have already left some juice. “Isn’t your hand going to be splotchy now?”

She shakes her head and reaches back to pluck a single leaf from the bush. “It’s only permanent — well, semi-permanent — when you crush the berries on the leaves.”

Suddenly she looks shy. “We, uh… We don’t do that bit ourselves.”

Some part of Callum realises that this is her repressed Moonshadow elf way of asking him to make the glyphberry pigment for her. He immediately takes the berries and leaf. “What do you mean?” he prods, while he sits on the grass and gets to work.

Rayla joins him on the ground and pulls out one of her swords. It really says something about how far they’ve come, that he doesn’t even flinch seeing the wicked curve of a weapon she threatened to kill him with, not too long ago.

She hands him the sword. He takes it with a gulp, and follows her instructions to lightly scrape the leaf, removing its waxy surface. Then he starts squeezing the berries, letting their juice drip onto the exposed area.

It feels… oddly natural, even though obviously he’s never done this before. Callum quickly becomes absorbed in his task, so he jumps a little when Rayla belatedly answers his question.

“Moonshadow elf markings are a way to signal your identity. We renew them when they fade, and we redo them if we feel like we’ve changed.”

That makes sense. After their journey together, after everything they’ve been through, Callum also feels like a different person from when they began.

“But you don’t just decide for yourself,” Rayla continues. “You choose someone you trust. Someone who means the most to you. And under a full moon, that person helps you inscribe who you are.”

Callum is blown away. Not only at the fact that Rayla chose him — he’ll have to file that away to think about later — but at the intimacy and complexity of the whole ritual. “So it’s a form of magic?” he speculates. “Are there words in ancient draconic I should be saying right now?”

“Is it magical?” Rayla smiles wryly at him. “I told you once that in Xadia, magic is everywhere. Even in ordinary things like dancing, and crafting.”

His eyes widen. “Like your key into Silvergrove. And the assassins’ flowers!”

Excited, he pauses his work, hand hovering over the grass. Rayla nudges it back over the leaf to avoid wasting any berry juice.

She looks pleased that he’s so quickly understood this aspect of her culture. But her face is clouded over by the same sadness it held up on the Spire earlier. Callum sobers once he notices.

He leans forward and briefly cups her cheek with the hand that isn’t covered in berry juice. He lifts her chin and gives her a small smile. He waits for her to return it.

Then he says, “Good thing I have this with me,” and produces the brush he used to paint the runes on his arms for the mage wings spell.

“Wait,” she says. Callum watches as she shrugs out of her outer armour, the parts that usually cover her upper arms and wrists. He realises suddenly that he’s never seen her without it. Its absence makes her look oddly vulnerable. Rayla rubs her arms idly, unused to the sensation as well.

“What are you thinking?” he asks quietly.

It takes her a moment to respond. “About my parents. How brave they were — are. How her laugh sounds, how he used to do different voices when he told me stories of the Dragon Guard. About Ethari, too. And Runaan.”

Her voice wobbles. “I want to honour them.” She doesn’t say because I may never see them again. She doesn’t have to.

Rayla puts her hand on his — the one that’s holding the brush. Together, they dip it in the glyphberry solution.

Callum can barely tell whether it’s him or her moving the brush. Part of him thinks that this is the worst way to paint anything remotely permanent: freehand, and in tandem. Yet somehow, in the moonlight, they’re perfectly in sync. He recalls the brief glimpse of Rayla’s parents he got. Their passion and vitality and togetherness. He pictures Runaan on the castle ramparts, expression fierce until the sight of the egg changed it to one of awe and compassion. He thinks about Ethari by the fountain in Silvergrove; his grief and confusion.

The new marking on Rayla’s upper arm is all curves, swirls, and cascading lines. Looking at it makes Callum think of lineage and sacrifice. Love, and loss. Once it’s complete, they move to her other arm and paint it there too, pausing only to dip the brush again.

Then Rayla hesitates. Their hands go still, midair.

“And you,” she says, as if they’ve been conversing all this time. In a way, they have. “You and Ezran.”

This time Callum can tell the impetus comes from her hand. She moves the brush to her left wrist. The one her assassin’s binding was on.

He stops her, because he can tell immediately what her intention is. “All the elves I’ve seen — their markings are symmetrical,” Callum points out. He wonders if it’s alright to take this sacred Moonshadow ritual, and introduce anything human into it.

“I’m a break from tradition,” Rayla says lightly, but with a solemn face.

They trace a line partway around her wrist. But they don’t close the circle. Instead, both ends of it veer off into a minimalist impression of wings. It’s a cross between the Katolis crown and dragon wings. In place of her assassin’s binding: her sworn loyalty to both humans and Xadia.

They paint the same symbol around his right wrist.

Callum puts down the brush and blinks as if waking from a trance. The glyphberry pigment has dried quite rapidly; he traces the lines on Rayla’s arms and wrist. She quivers as he does; not from the cold, he realises, but because this is her bare spirit, her core. And the two of them are bound together in their understanding of what it all means. Rayla takes his right hand with her left. Their markings match perfectly.

“Wow,” is all he can say.

They grin at each other for a moment, suddenly dizzy.

Returning Zym to his mother did work as a symbolic gesture, but there’s still a long way to go before peace. Ezran and Aanya have guaranteed Zubeia the cooperation of their kingdoms. But Rayla killing Viren while he was officially King, and Aanya killing Prince Kasef, means neither Katolis nor Duren can assure Xadia they can unite the other members of the Pentarchy for peace. Grudges will still be held. Prejudice will persist.

Everything else is a chaotic mess of politics and pride. Soon, they’ll probably be roped in as ambassadors on both sides of the border. Tough as it was to get Zym home, they really have their work cut out for them now. But they’ll do it together. And Rayla… Callum just knows her. She’s his point of stillness, his fulcrum, his north star.

Still looking steadily at him, she picks up the brush with her free hand.

“Oh,” Callum says, surprised. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to—”

“I know,” Rayla interjects. “Other elves might not take too kindly to markings you can’t hide under your jacket. But…”

She leans over and rinses the brush in the brook, then flicks away the excess water.

And she draws, invisibly and yet indelibly in Callum’s eidetic memory, countless spirals and dots and lines all down his arms. She outlines feathers, and runes that Callum doesn’t recognise but swears to himself he’ll remember and look up later. This is how I see you, she seems to be saying without words. How I know you. How I love you.

Moonshadow elves don’t have things like Big Feelings Time, Callum thinks distantly, because they say it all with actions instead.

The brush tickles now that his hand isn’t guiding it, too. Callum starts to laugh, but then Rayla squeezes his hand and he stills.

Finally, she reaches up to his face. He closes his eyes as she brushes a symmetrical pattern over his cheeks. After another moment, he feels her press a kiss to his forehead.

He opens his eyes. She’s smiling at him.

“There you are,” she says softly.

[askanaroace]

idk if it was sent through, so i'll try again. i'm a confirmed heteromantic ace, but now i think i might also be an arospec. aroflux/demiaro/arospike all seem right in their own way, but don't fully explain me (bits & pieces do). does a crush going away b/c of bad personality demiaro? why do i want to be alone 1 day, and have a romantic partner the next? i'm confused

A crush going away because of a bad personality sounds more like attraction turning to disgust due to finding out new information. Even allo folk can experience a loss of attraction after learning something negative about someone or spending time with them and realize it was more along the lines of lust than deeper attraction that they were feeling. (Although it’s certainly not something 100% of people experience.)

Attraction fading due to getting to know someone/forming a bond with them is known as frayromantic, which I would be more included to suggest to you than demiromantic, tbh. Demiromantic means you don’t experience any attraction until you form a bond with someone, so in your case, you likely would have never had a crush on the person because you wouldn’t have known them and then when you did and discovered their bad personality, it wouldn’t be something you are attracted to.

If your attraction consistently fades after getting to know someone, then frayromantic certainly sounds possible/likely. But if it only fades in the case of incompatible personalities, then it just sounds like personality is an important part of your attraction, as it is for many people. It’s not a necessary component for developing attraction, just a part of how your attraction is maintained.

As for your varied desires in being alone or having a romantic partner - well, that could be a part of your romantic identity or it could just be a part of your personality. We don’t really understand a whole lot about why or how personality really forms because it’s so complex and can be impacted to so many different things. Maybe you are alloromantic but also highly individualistic and/or introverted and need alone time. Maybe your attraction is fluid. Maybe you desire intimacy but not a high level of commitment.

I don’t know why you feel the way you do, but there’s nothing inherently bad or harmful in your feelings or how you experience attraction and what you want. You don’t have to have some deep explanation of your feelings to respect and listen to them.

Many of us use more general/umbrella terms because identity is complicated and complex and intricate and maybe we can’t pin down more specifics or there’s too many specifics to pin down/define or nobody’s created a term for how we feel and we don’t feel like coming up with the term ourself. No one term will ever 100% describe your whole identity. Some stuff is just meant to be explored and shared with people you want to explore and share it with.

x

[efrmellifer]

Bound

Etien had felt like a creature outside herself all night. It wasn’t a bad thing, nor a good thing. Just… something.

There was something amusing about how Estinien and Aymeric talked when she wasn’t around, what she got to hear of their conversations afterward (it was usually quite a bit, when they were all so close, but still).

And it was even more amusing when those little chats between them seemed to pique Estinien’s curiosity about things Aymeric mentioned.

And that was how Etien and Estinien ended up like this, her legs draped over his lap as she tried to coax information out of him.

“I can’t sate your curiosity if you’re reluctant to ask questions,” she said with a click of her tongue. “What did Aymeric tell you, and what did it make you want to know?”

“He said it was calming. I thought that beggared belief—who gets calm from being bound?”

Etien’s eyebrows lifted. “Aymeric, clearly. But what he’s told me is that it’s more about the trust. The giving up responsibility. I guess some people would call it control,” she said, scratching at her cheek, “but he’s still in control. I don’t tie him tight.” Now she giggled, shifting onto her hip slightly. “But he can sit back, and let me handle everything. A fitting reward, for a man who’s always responsible for handling everything in multiple arenas.”

“And he calms because of that?” Estinien asked, almost sounded like he still didn’t believe it.

“To my knowledge,” Etien replied with a shrug. “I personally think if I could get him to lie still long enough without tying him down, we would get the same results. But he needs an excuse.”

Estinien snorted. “Good old Aymeric.”

She agreed, murmuring the same just above a whisper.

Then she turned to Estinien again. “So do you want to try it? No is a perfectly sufficient answer.”

“Why not?” He mused.

_

She laughed a little as she pulled the slack of the rope a little tighter. “You keep squirming,” she noted, looking up at Estinien only briefly. “I don’t want to cut off your circulation. Please, stay still.”

It was a mix of ribbon and rope adorning him, so that Estinien looked more like an oversized parcel than a man undergoing an experiment regarding his pleasure.

But he liked the look on Etien’s face as she studied him.

“Thoughts?” he asked as she tipped her head this way and that.

“I was looking at the scars,” she admitted. “You have so many more than I do.”

“I have a few years on you,” he said, attempting to shrug, but finally appropriately incapacitated. “And from what I’ve always heard, you don’t scar because the healers are so busy bringing you back from the Fury’s grasp that they patch you up completely as a side effect.”

“Maybe so,” Etien mused, letting her fingers trail across her stomach, and then over a scar on Estinien’s shoulder.

“You have a scar on your nose,” he noted.

“Oh, that,” she sighed. “I thought it would have gone away by now.”

“A lot of them are supposed to fade, and then don’t,” Estinien commented.

“Are we talking about physical wounds now or emotional ones?” Etien asked him, coming to her knees in front of him, close enough that her words made his hair flutter.

“At end of the day, where does the difference lie?”

_

Etien had worried the whole time that the pressure and stillness of being bound would have gotten to Estinien, broken him down or riled him up until physical sensations, least of all pleasure, were the last thing on his mind.

But she had been wrong, luckily.

After, however, when she was unwrapping the ribbon and kissing over the grooves left by the rope—even when she’d tried to leave plenty of room, slipping her fingers next to his skin beforehand and all—that was when the breaking point was hit.

“You did so well, Estinien,” she’d cooed, kissing his shoulder as the rope left his bicep, stroking her fingers over his forearm as the ribbon fell away, “thank you for not squirming and for being patient.”

She’d taken the risk of kissing him on the lips after that, and she felt the emotion roll through him before she could hear it or see it.

He near to crumpled, almost sobbing as she pulled back.

“Estinien?” Etien asked, barely hitting the consonants, soft as down as she called to him.

“I am all right,” he replied.

“You don’t have to be,” she soothed, pulling him closer and stroking his hair. “If you aren’t sure that everything is completely well, you need not say so.”

She made more comforting noises—a shush that was almost a whistle for how airy and tonal it was, a humming coo that transformed into soothing words.

Sometimes, people commented—in jest or completely seriously—that Etien had magic in her voice, when she sang on the battlefield. But now, Estinien was inclined to believe it.

They lay there for a long time, her fingers trailing through his hair, her heart beating in his ear. He must have fallen asleep, because he didn’t know how long it was before Aymeric came in and Etien stirred as she woke, which made Estinien hazily aware of the world around him again.

He’d seen Aymeric bend, kissing Etien, then been slightly surprised by also receiving a brief kiss.

Aymeric slipped into bed, and the three of them went to sleep.

...for a time.

All three of them were plagued with nightmares in one form or another—possession, torture passing for interrogation, and just about everything that had happened to Etien since she left home, especially in the last year—did that, taking their toll on the mind, the pain nestling into a corner and every so often sticking a paw out to swipe at anything that passed by.

Estinien knew they happened, even to Etien. But he’d never seen it.

Not until he was thrown from her chest, which heaved with her every breath now as she tried to calm down.

“What was that?” he asked when he finally got his bearings.

“I thought I had left thoughts of the First behind,” she intoned, halfway between a groan and a wail, hands covering her eyes.

If the slight dipping and rising of her shoulders was any indication, she was crying now, now that the adrenaline was beginning to filter out.

She was home, in bed. But even as whatever pain or fear was starting to ebb away, it had still existed.

The sounds of her sniffling woke Aymeric, who immediately slipped a hand into hers, gently tugging it away from her eyes. “Etien, dearest,” he sighed into the dark. “Another nightmare?”

She nodded, a soft “mm-hmm” her reply.

Silently, Estinien watched the two of them start going through the routine. He wanted to reach out, to help, but didn’t know where or how to insert himself without getting underfoot. So he watched.

Aymeric sat up, gathering Etien into his arms. It was made abundantly clear how small she was when she was enveloped like this, tail limp and ears flat, curled up knees to chest in his lap.

It only made her victories more impressive. And her fears more understandable.

“Do you… would it help to talk about it?” Estinien asked. “Or should I leave for that?”

“What’s one more intimacy between us?” she asked, smiling, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Stay. Please.”

He scooted a little closer to the pair, watching Aymeric start to slightly rock, Etien’s eyelids sinking lower from the motion.

“Tell us, if you can,” Aymeric requested, voice low, smooth and comforting.

Etien nodded, swallowing. “I was dreaming about when Elidibus was testing me.”

“Testing you?”

“Yes. He said he wanted to assess my capabilities, and—well, he did just that. He certainly pushed me to the very limit of what I could handle.”

“In the dream?” Estinien asked.

“No,” this came out of her just a little raspy. “On the First. The dream was just the feelings washing over me again, little slices of the memories.” She sighed. “I might as well tell you about what actually happened, considering that was what had me shaken enough to dream myself into this state. The way it started was I… I saw Mother Miounne. That is, one of the Amaurotines was made to look like her. It took me by surprise to see, when hers was really the first friendly face I saw in Gridania. The first to meet me as Etien Mellifer, rather than… the identity I cast off, I suppose.”

The two men were silent, letting Etien work through the words she wanted at her own pace. Already, her eyes were welling, her pupils wide as if in fear, ringed in a teary, glassy green.

“And it grew worse from there. Seeing people who have been lost to us was one thing, as was fighting old foes. When it was the Scions, I could ignore it. But that ability was quickly spent. Especially when, as if he had reached in and pulled the fear directly out of the darkest part of my heart, you two were suddenly on the other side of my bow.”

Aymeric gasped.

“I couldn’t bear it, fighting you,” she told him, tears overflowing the banks of her eyelids, fresh streams hot on the tail of the first rivulets. “I remember now, the pain in my chest as I sobbed, nocking another arrow. It didn’t matter that they were cubii, I looked and it was you and I almost couldn’t do it. But what was I going to do, fail? Die?”

“Absolutely not,” Aymeric muttered, pulling her close again.

“And then there was the issue of reliving the end of the war,” Etien said with a heavy sigh.

“Well you cannot be afraid of Nidhogg,” Estinien commented, scooting closer again.

“I’m not afraid of Nidhogg,”she replied, gaze lifting to meet his.

“Oh. Aye, I see.”

“For whatever it’s worth, the cubii put up a valiant fight. I had no tears left to cry, heaving by the time I was finished with the test.”

Aymeric sucked his lower lip into his mouth, then let it go, the way he’d watched Etien do many a time. Estinien just looked between the two of them.

Aymeric positioned her so she was straddling his lap, laying her head against his chest, rubbing near the tip of her ear as he hummed softly. “Fret not, my dearest. Estinien and I yet live, thrilled to have you here with us, and prouder of you than ever, which is saying something. That must have taken an inhuman amount of courage.”

She sniffled, tears falling faster and still unbidden, as she pressed her face just below Aymeric’s shoulder.

“Shh, I have you, Etien. Nothing can hurt you, not while I’m here. And the same goes for Estinien. Isn’t that right?” he asked, with a flick of his eyes and a subtle tilt of his head, beckoning Estinien over wordlessly.

“It is,” he agreed, settling into a more comfortable seated position next to Aymeric and laying a hand on Etien’s back.

“Listen to my heartbeat, to my breathing,” Aymeric soothed a little more. She repositioned herself, sighing again. “Not to sound too much my father, but you have suffered too many indignities at the hands of Ascian influence,” he murmured. “But no more. Not now.”

He lay down, bringing her down with him, and beckoned for Estinien to join him with a quick gesture.

“Does Etien want--?”

“You could ask her,” Aymeric replied.

“May I join you?” Estinien asked.

Aymeric swept back Etien’s hair, searching her eyes, pupils wide and irises starkly green as a side effect of being bloodshot, for an answer.

She nodded, then turned to Estinien. “Please.”

Nodding, willing to do as she asked, he lay down beside the pair, trying to entangle himself with both of them, legs crossing with Aymeric’s, an arm thrown over Etien’s back.

He couldn’t think of anything to say. There was nothing to say, no way to make such a traumatic event fade from her mind. He sighed a little at the knowledge that even with all she had told him and Aymeric, it couldn’t have come close to living it.

And as she was the one with the Echo, they would never see what she had seen.

Maybe it was better that way.

All they could do was comfort one other after the dreams and pray—alongside the actions they took—that nothing like this, any of it, ever happened again.

And for now, sleep, secure in this loose embrace for three.

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

A Yearly Gender Dysphoria Review for 2019

A Yearly Gender Dysphoria Review

December, 2019

(Taken February 2019 - 10 Months On HRT)

Abstract: The purpose of this yearly review is to track my progress as being transgender. I theorize that being transgender isn’t only a biological change; but a mental change that is brought on by chemical and cultural adaptations. It is very difficult to measure one’s transformation on a daily scale and after conducting two years of this review, I hope it will yield that I am not only changing physically, but also mentally.

Many of the questions are very personal…but for the purposes of scientific research, I’ve written questions to form a baseline over the years and questions that dive into my physical changes, Physical desires; sexual changes and sexual desires.

In five years, it is the hopes of this review to compare and contrast my evolution from male to female and to see how closely I stayed at my goals.

 ***

BASELINE QUESTIONS

Given Name: David

Desired Name: Mira

Legal Name: Mira Carleen

Desired Gender: Female

Legal Gender: Female

LGBT Status: Transgender

Relationship Status: Dating

1) How did you choose your name?

A: Mira was a name that I have gone by secretly since I was seven years old. Oddly, the name came to me during a drowning event at Copalis Beach. I hallucinated that I was saved by a mermaid who told me that her actions would have profound implications on my life. She wasn’t incline to return me to the surface, wanting me to remain with her and she gave me a new name that sounded like ‘Mer-a’. I begged to return to the surface to be with my family and she reluctantly took me to the surface while telling me that from this point forward, I’d no longer be male, but a female mermaid and that the change will happen if I like it or not.

To say the least, the origin of my name sounds something mythical. By for my family’s beliefs; it is quite likely that I was saved by a mermaid as our family has been entangled with mermaids since the 1500s.

Oddly, the name Mira has more implications then I could have ever imagined! Many of the meanings behind the name Mira speak to my personality (Wonder, Wonderful, Goodness, Peace, Kindness, Helpful, Beautiful, Prosperous, Ocean, Sea, Limit, Boundary, Light, Princess, Soft Like Velvet Rose, He/she Watches, Exalted, Star of the Ocean).

As for Carleen, that name was chosen in January of 2019 in remembrance of Amanda who set me on track to preserve my life from an unknown respiratory disease that almost killed me in 2015. Without the knowledge of cystic fibrosis, I would have continued on the wrong therapy and most likely died from lung failure.

2) What other names were you thinking about using and why?

A: My top five were Mira, Delenn, Kathryn, Harmony and River. Mira eventually won over all the names as it meant the most to me. Delenn was a fascination of grace and power from the Croatian actress, Mira Furlan. Kathryn’s origin is unknown, just a name I used a lot in the 2000s in my stories. Harmony and River both have ties to water.

The expanded full list looked like this:

Mira (Chosen name, given by a mermaid)

Amira (Version of Mira)

Arimira (Version of Mira)

Nanette (A name I used in my stories)

Ananette (A name I used in my stories)

Kathryn (A name I used in my stories)

Kathren (A name I used in my stories)

Kristin (A name I used in my stories)

Sirena (Uncertain…Ocean related name)

Harmony (Harmony Falls, Mount St. Helens)

Delenn (Babylon 5 Character)

Rain (Androgynous Name)

River (Androgynous Name)

Tia (Uncertain)

Bri (A name I used in my stories)

November (My birth month)

Aura (Lovely name)

 3) How long have you been on HRT?

A: 15 Months (Enrolled In The Program) and 13 Months of compliance with HRT.

4) How long have you been Mira?

A: 28 Years

5) How long have you been ‘Mira’ legally?

A: 9 Months

6) How long have you identified as female?

A: About 28 Years

7) How long have you’ve been legally female?

A: 9 Months

8) Do you regret your decision to become Transgender (Woman)?

A: No. I only wished that I have became transgender much sooner. My life as a female, as Mira has been a blessing. Much of the social pressure that I felt as being David is gone; and since my transition, my relationship has improved.

There is still concern about what I am doing, but I’ve had 28 years to figure this all out. The only difference now is that my whole name is different and I am finally looking like the woman I’ve always imagined myself becoming.

9) How long have you known you were Transgender (LGBT)?

A: This is a difficult question as I’ve struggled with the label ‘transgender’. I was raised to believe that those that were lesbians, gay, bisexual and transgender were mentally disturbed. So, accepting that I fall under the LGBT umbrella has taken some time to get use to.

If I had to be honest, I began to truly realize I might be transgender when I signed that Consent form to begin HRT. So, roughly a year and three months.

***

LGBT QUESTIONS

1) On the LGBT spectrum, where do you fall; gender?

A: Transgender Woman

2) On the LGBT spectrum, where do you fall; sexual?

A: Lesbian

3) When did you realize that the term Transgender referred to you?

A: At the beginning of 2019 when I began considering legally changing my name from David to Mira. The catalysis that solidified the term was when I decided to make a full gender transition from male to female and began considering surgical intervention. Because of these changes, I feel that I no longer can label myself neither ‘gender-fluid’ or ‘non-conforming’.

4) When did you realize that the term Lesbian referred to you?

A: Around February 2019 when I rekindled my relationship with my girlfriend. We considered the aspect of our relationship. And because I yearn to become female legally, physically and sexually…it would transform our relationship status from male & female to female & female. By April 2019, I legally changed my gender from male to female, making our relationship as lesbians.

5) Are you comfortable with the term ‘LGBT’ or calling yourself Transgender and/or a Lesbian?

A: No. I’ve never liked labels…they are too restrictive to a person’s true identity.

Like the labels of male and female; they are terribly flawed! One truly can not be pure female or pure male. For females, their bodies convert excessive estrogen into testosterone; aiding in secondary male characteristics like facial hair. And males, they are first conceived as females before a mutated gene switches them into a male.

I find that society, which is now much more accepting of the LGBT; still has an unwillingness to fully accept them as being a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender on the basis of not understanding what makes us ‘different’ from a normal cis-woman or cis-man. This ignorance can lead to cis-people acting out in flight-or-fight responses when confronted with something that isn’t like them.

Over the months however, I have slowly come to terms to accept that is am no longer a cis-male by birth, but transgender, as I will have both cis-male and cis-female physical characteristics and biological functions (minus a uterus or ovaries).

6) Are you currently active in the Trans Community or LGBT Community?

A: No. Not physically. I do write about my experiences at a Transgender Woman battling gender dysphoria. I update two blogs to catalogue my journey (Tumblr & DeviantArt. With case-sensitive images not allowed on Tumblr’s platform).

As of lately, I work with my transgender physician to catalogue medical changes and correlate my research with what she knows to bring the most accurate information possible.

7) Have you reached out to a LGBT center for help?

A: Yes. I reached out to the Ingersoll Gender Center in Seattle twice for help finding a doctor and information on psychologists capable of diagnosing gender dysphoria…but I’ve never heard back from them on both messages.

Since then, I refuse to use any LGBT accredited resources as they are unreliable.

8) Who was the first person you told about being Transgender?

A: Unofficially, it would have been my girlfriend, Ruth. Before I started HRT, I mentioned to her that I thought I might be gender-fluid or gender nonconforming. She replied that she had suspicions that I might be transgender as I always associated as female. She also thought I might be asexual in sexuality due to my displeasure in intimacy.

9) What are something positive about being Transgender?

A: Personally, for me, it is like finally healing from a long-term wound that no one can see. I can finally blossom, open up and be the person I truly am without the risk of being of being called emasculate terms.

Being transgender is something rare. Most humans will only experience one half of their potential, whereas trans individuals like myself, we experience both halves of our soul; knowing what it is like to be both male and female at the same time.

10) What are some fears about being Transgender?

A: My biggest fears seem to surround what other cis-people think of me. There is always the fear that someone unstable will perceive me as a threat to their ideology and act out irrationally.

Using the restroom is still terrifying to me! I’d rather risk an ‘accident’ then place myself in a situation where I might get harmed. Even calling myself female can be scary depending where in the country I am, or the age of the crowd I’m in.

I hadn’t considered how ‘vulnerable’ I would feel being female until the day I was tormented by an intoxicated gentleman, alone in an elevator. This experience opened a whole array of thoughts of dangers that I am now susceptible to: ie: mainly sexual harassment and after GRS, rape. I however feel confident I can defend myself in these situations.

11) How do you manage your dysphoria?

A: At this time, with Hormone Replacement Therapy. With a great reduction in testosterone, many of the mental symptoms of gender dysphoria have faded away. I still have the physical dysphoria that I deal with from time to time.

However, I hope to treat the four major causes of my dysphoria with treatments and surgery. The biggest one was my dysphoria of body hair. I have begun laser hair removal of the face and am considering laser hair removal of the chest (mainly breasts) once my face is fully treated (also, these treatments are terribly expensive! Almost 1,500$ for just the face and neck). The second surgery is FFS which is being determined by the insurance company (Jan 2020) and breast augmentation sometime late 2020 to 2021. The last surgery will be GRS to complete my transition.

12) What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically?

A: Looking at the positives is a must!

My MtF~HRT Journey hasn’t been easy and very costly!

Dealing with the toxicity of female hormones at the beginning was tough, but now that I am chemically female, it is much better.

One of the things that can be a put down is not transitioning fast enough. I always tell myself: Puberty lasts for years, and my coming of age took four years to finalize when I was 17 years old. So, HRT isn’t going to happen overnight.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and become annoyed as I still see a male face looking back at me, but I remind myself that this is a process. It can take the face 5-10 years to finalize on hormones! 12 months to finalize after FFS.

Then there is the aspect of surgery. I am no fan of pain; but living with CF has given me somewhat of a tolerance to it. I look at surgery as milestones that I must achieve in order to live my life to its fullest and to write down in this blog that hundreds of perspective LGBT individuals are reading and following.

Mostly, I get through this all as playing the scientist role in this journey. My training and background in geology gives me a constantly curious mind and when I looked for answers across the internet and found jumbled information with very little scientific approach, I knew that my transition must be for a greater good.

Mentally, I am living my life as Mira. I never look back on my life as David…I’ve pretty much separated everything that made me David for Mira, going in a whole different direction with my life…literally born anew.

13) How have you’ve embraced your Transgender identity?

A: I haven’t really.

I’ll tell people I’m transgender when I feel that I have been called-out. But most of the time I am just embracing my womanhood.

I’ve been invited to a few LGBT support groups and have been invited to a Gay parade in Bremerton, but I’ve kindly declined each time.

If I am anywhere close to embracing my Transgender identity, it is probably in this blog. And if I am being truthful with myself, my identity as Mira makes me equally transgender.

18) How do you feel about the LGBT laws where you live?

A: As a resident of Washington State, we have some of the most aggressive LGBT laws (besides California) that protects the Transgender. Pride parades are very common here and even the city of Seattle has elected its second LGBT mayor.

Yet, we still have some serious grey areas!

I live in the rural area of Kitsap County which has an older population and a military population what is quite resistant of the LGBT. So being openly transgender in my hometown isn’t wise.

Under Washington Law, same-sex sexuality was legalized in 1976, anti-discrimination laws passed in 2012, same-sex marriages legalized in 2012, lesbians, gays and bisexuals allowed to serve in the military in 2011 (transgender people are forbidden). We have the right to change of gender without GRS, and LGBT options are available on birth certificates as of 2018. Our schools have an LGBT anti-bullying policy and we can donate blood if desired.

19) What are your views on the cis-gendered community?

A: As a previous cis-gendered individual; I have only come into knowing the LGBT community since I attended college. While at South Kitsap, the term LGBT was unknown to me. And even then, I only began to understand my place in the grand scheme of Cisgendered vs. Transgendered nature.

I’ve seen and experienced both sides of the cis-gendered community; from the accepting to the un-accepting to the ones that wish to do harm.

Being transgender, I know what it is like to deal with gender dysphoria and to watch a few cis-gendered individuals say that it is all a mental disease isn’t only hurtful…its pure ignorance.

I do my best to align myself with the friendly, accepting cis-women and cis-men who see me as Mira and not a Transgendered Woman.

 ***

BODY-TYPE (DYSPHORIA) QUESTIONS

Facial Features (Desired)

I envisioned my face being rounded ‘oval’ in shape…which is classical for an ideal ‘feminine’ feature. My upper cheek bones are pronounced to make my cheeks fuller in appearance, my jawline smooth without its sharp ‘masculine’ features. My lips are filled out, but not changed much from my male lips. My nose thinned in appearance and my face has no visible facial hair. My brow thinned back, opening up more of my eyes.

Hair Features (Desired)

I envision my hair being shoulder blade in length, blonde with silver highlights. The tips of my hair dyed aqua-blue. Light wavy texture and shiny and healthy.

I prefer my hair only layered (lightly), my bangs natural and swept over to my right side. My hair parts down the left side of my head as it always has. I hardly tie back my hair, only using clips on the long bangs to keep it out of my eyes. I picture my hair parted in two ways, half hanging over my shoulders, embordering my facial features as it rests between my clavicles and breasts. The other half resting down my back.

Neck Features (Desired)

Slender, the structure pretty much unaltered from the physical neck on my previous male form.

I envision no visible facial hair on the upper portions of the neck (to chin and jaw).

Shoulders Features (Desired)

Maintain their masculine shape, but thinned down.

Relearn to reposition my shoulder blades to feminine stature to support the spine and make room for my breasts.

Upper Arms (Desired)

Feminine in muscle mass and tone. This is a must if I plan to wear feminine clothes, thanks to the stitching in the fabric to support the breasts which makes the arms sometimes tight.

The skin should be devoid of any body hair.

Lower Arms (Desired)

Feminine in muscle mass and tone. 70% of the time my lower arms will be exposed and can give me away as transgender if not maintained. The skin should be always devoid of any body hair at all times.

Back (Desired)

No visible body hair

Chest & Breasts (Desired)

No visible body hair, smooth.

I have two C-Cup breasts, firm and dome-like in appearance. My mammary glands fully formed with appropriate amount of fat. Nipples are feminine in appearance with darkened areolas about quarter size.

Belly And Waist (Desired)

No body hair, smooth.

Belly is rounded (being realistic), but fat is redistributed to my hips, making only one belly roll when I sit down. Waist is narrow in appearance (between my chest and hips).

Genitalia (Desired)

I envision myself without my penis or testicles (as they are part of my gender dysphoria). They will have been repurposed into a functionable feminine ureteral and vagina. It is a must to rid of the male genitalia (physically) to pass officially as female. Until then, my favorite activity like swimming will always be a lingering fear…and relationship-wise, it is the only way I can become ‘sexually’ active as I feel that my male genitalia are an abomination; only serving in one function: low UTI risk which can be managed with proper hygiene as a female.

Buttock (Desired)

I envision myself with a feminine buttock in size and proportion. Rounded and firm, but not overly large. My buttock should gently blend in with my hips.

Upper Thighs (Desired)

Maintain my muscular mass. Body hair here is acceptable if it is light brown or blonde in color (with blonde being ideal).

Lower Legs (Desired)

I envision them feminine in form, but maintain a lean muscle mass as I wish to return back to hiking and swimming after my transition. Body hair here is not acceptable due to wearing dresses and skirts.

Feet (Desired)

Not really a top priority. My feet will retain their size 13 form; however, my nails shall remain painted in gel polish.

Hands (Desired)

Not really a top priority. My fingers have always been slender, long and feminine. I envision always having my nails painted with gel polish; my body hair shaved.

 ***

MENTAL EVALUATION QUESTIONS

Feminized Brain

1) Have you’ve grown fond of the color pink?

A: No. I still do not find hues of red attractive. Especially pink.

In my updated ‘feminine’ wardrobe; I’ve avoided all colors of red, orange and yellow and prefer colors in the hue of blue. I like both black, white and grey.

I’ve noticed that I have taken on a liking of purple…which I never wore before my HRT.

2) Have you’ve noticed any new scents coming off your body?

A: Yes. At first it wasn’t quite noticeable. In my first few months of HRT. I guess when you’ve been a cis-male for over 33 years of your life, you become ‘blind’ to your natural pheromone odor.

However, about a year into my HRT, I began detecting something ‘off’ about the way I smelled. Now, it isn’t anything like body odor created by sweat-devouring bacteria, it was something that lingered after a shower, or went with you throughout the day.

Oddly, when I began detecting this scent, I noticed that I wasn’t alone. This was about the same time when I began getting unwanted sexual gestures from men. Even my mother noticed the change about three months ago when we were at a casino.

Even now, I still struggle to explain it; to me, it is like a scent of freshness…but when I seem to enter a ‘pseudo-cycle’ from my hormones, those scents seem to increase to the point that it can be over bearing. Secondly, I have noticed that if I use secondary scents like fragrant body wash or perfume, it only increases the scent.

3) Have you subconsciously used ‘female pronouns’ in describing yourself?

A: It varies from time to time. I’d say, maybe 60% of the time I think of myself in female pronouns. I remember how odd it felt to say ‘she’ and ‘her’, like when someone calls to talk to Mira and at first, I hesitated when I said ‘…she? Speaking.’ now it is a confident ‘This is her speaking.’

When I think of myself as in individual, usually when my dysphoria seems to be triggered is when I revert back to confusion and/or ‘him’. However, even that is starting to fade away as I am seeing myself anew each week.

At first, I did not really care if people called me ‘he’ or ‘she’, and this seemed to delay my subconscious feminization for a time. However, as I have began mentally calling myself a ‘she’, I find myself annoyed with the improper pronouns, but will not verbally correct anyone…I just ignore them entirely as if they don’t even exist in my reality.

4) Have you started ‘mentally seeing’ yourself only as female?

A: It varies from time to time. Most of the time I picture myself female. I have pictured myself as a female since I was only seven years old. Only when I feel that I am failing to pass as female do I start doubting myself.

Oddly, when my mental voice speaks, it is female and quite possibly is my strongest advocate for myself as it continues to remind me that I have always been Mira; just that something went wrong during my rebirth.

I still see myself as a woman, which gives me a mental picture to compare with what my eyes see. And at this time, I’d say that I am about 40 percent of the way there.

5) Has your demeanor became ‘feminine?’

A: Somewhat. Most of my verbal and body language is becoming feminine in nature, some on purpose and some subconsciously. Even my changing anatomy has my body position differently.

For example, having C-Cup breasts are very heavy when your back isn’t use to them. To release the tension and stress off of my upper back, I have had to relearn to sit and hold myself up in an ergonomic fashion.

Widening hips (due to extra fat) and widening glutes have offset my stride and I find myself swaying more often at the hips, which gives me a feminine gate.

My speech patterns have not changed, nor has my vocal tones in how I pronunciate my words.

 Feminized Aspect

1) What cup size did you ‘want’ your breasts to be?

A: I desire to have bigger breasts then average…I’ve always expected myself of having a larger bust size, and with my recent growth, I’ve been somewhat pleased as my growth will make a great platform for implants down the road.

Recently, I have experienced one of the more unpleasant side-effects of having large breasts: back pain and digging bra straps. Even now, I still don’t consider my breasts as feminine breasts because when I lay down, they seem to disappear. This is totally natural with women whose breasts are between an AA-A-Cup.

With implants (which I will be fighting to get this year); they would retain a natural look while I lay down, staying centered on the chest, not flattening out like my breasts are doing now. (Although, when I wear a bra, the breasts are held in place it seems)

2) Has your sexuality changed?

A: No, I am still sexually attracted to women. The thought of dating a guy is appalling to me. However, I have found myself sometimes ‘looking’ at guys in a daydreaming state, but I still can’t see myself in a romantic relationship with men.

During euphoric moments (which have changed on their own accord), my mind does venture on the aspects of intimacy. This has never happened before when I was a cis-male and is very confusing. I find myself mostly wanted to be held, touched and embraced. This desire has even led me to overcoming my fear of touching my girlfriend and has allowed us to share in our first hug and kiss in over 12 years of being together.

3) Do you feel sexually as a woman now?

A: This is a very personal question...but yes.

Some of the sensations I now feel are beyond anything I’ve felt as male. Without going to deep into details, when I was a male, the erogenous center was around the genitalia. But since taking hormones; within the first few months my skin literally changed. Becoming soft and silky and very sensitive.

Simply being touched is enough to stimulate my senses, and the breasts have become more sensitive then my neither region. During stimulation, the euphoria seems to last for a long time...sometimes minutes to a half-hour.

Oddly, my sexuality has changed when it comes to intimacy and orgasms. As a male, we have to stimulate ourselves physically and achieve a few seconds/minutes of sexual release. But as a female, I’ve found myself not needing any physical stimulation to onset an orgasm. And it should be noted that it isn’t an isolated orgasm...it is full body.

I am starting to understand what my girlfriend was hinting at as she comes into these moments of sexual tension. It is very powerful. During my erogenous moments, all I want to do is be touched and held (which would stimulate myself). I’ve even had a few moments when these power sensations would cause me to think of sex (as a female). But those thoughts confuse me and make me feel unclean.

I think this is my brain’s way of conditioning me to womanhood, but confused about the anatomy (as my daydreams usually have we with female genitalia instead of male). Sadly, exploring this sexual transformation is something I don’t feel comfortable sharing in detail.

4) Has your attention to beauty changed from the time you were a cis-male?

A: Greatly. Prior to my HRT, I did not think that I’d be so focused on my appearance. This has been an improvement as when I was male, I did not care what I looked like. I honestly hated myself and it showed as people said I ‘looked’ mean. Although, I am one of the most tolerant people you could confront. I don’t like fighting because it is so primitive, and I tend to seek a more peaceful resolution to my problems.

At first, it was shaving on a daily schedule. I wanted to be rid of my facial hair badly. I then began shaving my whole body (besides the scalp and brows of course!). When my face failed to appear female (to my standards), Dr. Worth advised I start applying makeup to my face to conceal my facial hair and to make my face appear feminine.

5) Do you desire fuller lips?

A: Yes; having full lips in my opinion makes one ‘appear’ female. This also emphasizes lipstick color. However, I don’t want to look ridiculous! At this time, I’d like to see the philtrum shortened, but that would require surgical intervention. On January 2nd, I talked to my plastic surgeon about my lips and he believes they are full enough, just only needing to shorten the philtrum to bring the lip up to achieve a feminine appearance.

6) Has transitioning enhanced your desire to be a parent?

A: No. I have no desire to raise children in a society that punishes adults for disciplining their kids. I have seen what this generation is becoming and to say the least, it concerns me.

Personally, I have never wanted children as my life was interrupted by my failing health and I’ve never achieved financial stability. Secondly, with my health condition, it is highly unlikely I will see age 50; and it would not be right leaving the care of a child to a single parent.

Finally, I did ask my girlfriend about her opinion of having children and she is in agreement that due to my health and her psychiatric disabilities; we are not suitable genetic parents. However, we have thought of adoption if the moment arrives.

If we did adopt, I’d want a child under 1 year old. This is because I’ve seen what happens when you adopt an older child who is angry about their life they were born into.

7) How do you navigate the concept of sex while being dysphoric?

A: As David, I did not enjoy the concept of sex and lacked in the words to express why I felt this way. For the longest time, I thought the idea came from my religious upbringing, but it persisted as we grew closer. I left her very confused and unhappy. It is very rare to find a woman willing to jump in the sack before the guy!

Although I felt the sting of sexual arousal (which made me sick), I was left ashamed, unsatisfied and confused as why I could not perform as a man. Even when I wanted to be intimate, to kiss, hold and sleep together…I could not do it.

Once I started hormone replacement therapy, my sexuality seemed to kick into full drive, pushing me towards sexual liberation. I wanted to be kissed, I wanted to be touched and held. When I slept, I wanted someone there with me, holding me…intimacy became a desire.

I remember how scared I felt when I asked her to kiss and she was more then willing…we’ve waited for 12 years for this moment! Yet, I still can’t visualize ‘sex’ as a man…as a woman, possibly. But we need to build chemistry.

Although I don’t like talking about sexuality (you’ll find it rare in my blog), becoming a Trans-woman seems to have awakened my dormant sensual side. I find myself daydreaming of what it could be like after GRS and just going to bed each night held and touched. My skin…my whole body, it has changed in ways that is hard to describe.

 8) Do you believe that your brain has been feminized?

A: This is an opinionated question as even neurosciences can’t determine. I want to say yes. I am starting to subconsciously think of myself as female and adjusting my lifestyles to being female. Much of what makes females, females is cultural and family.

***

CULTURAL CHALLENGES (FOR TRANS-WOMEN)

1) Have you ever been outed for being Transgender?

A: No. I have yet to experience this embarrassment, but I am certain it will happen.

2) Have you ever been misgendered?

A: Many times. Between January 2019 to August 2019, I was constantly being misgendered when going out on the town or in the hospital.

However, my misgendering has decreased from October 2019 to now. I believe it is because I have began dressing as a female, my hair is much longer and facial features are taking on a feminine appearance.

Of all my misgendering experiences, none of them have been a challenge, most who misgender me immediately say they are sorry and continue on with whatever service they were hired to dispense.

3) Have you’ve been physically harmed because you are Transgender?

A: No. Most now seem to believe I am female.

4) Have you’ve been mentally harmed because you are Transgender?

A: Yes. Sadly, many of those who mentally harmed me were my own uncles and friends. Many did not accept my decision and have ousted me from their lives. Outside of my family and friends; I have not been placed in a mentally harmful situation. I have found that many have accepted who I have become, some happily

5) Have your family fully accepted who you are?

A: Mostly. My grandmother still stumbles with my name and sometimes uses my transgender nature against me. My mother has verbally said she is supportive of my decision, but isn’t pleased about it. My sister is the only one who is supportive, but not of any surgical intervention.

6) How do you deal with being misgendered by cis-people?

A: Typically, I’ll tell them that I am not offended; but only ask they use the proper pronouns and name from this point forward. A second offense will have me just correcting them politely and a third offense, I just ignore them as if they don’t exist. Figuring if they can’t respect me, and they are well informed, they don’t need any of my time.

7) How has been your experience with public restrooms?

A: As David, I never really considered the fear of the public restroom as I feel being Mira. There have been many times I have looked at the restroom and thought ‘Just go inside, no one will bother you!’

My first experience was at a local Shari’s restaurant in Port Orchard. I had been holding it in all night while I mixed music at a dangerous place to be a Trans, a biker’s bar! I remember thinking ‘Male or female?’ Kind of hard to be dressed as a woman with large boobs and be caught in a male’s restroom or risk a woman looking at my face at scolding me, calling me a pervert!

I went into the female’s restroom and found no one inside, so I hurried to a stall and locked myself inside…safe, but listening for the proper time to exit. When I left the stall, I did the world’s fastest handwash and out the door…I was so scared!

I still have yet to enter a populated woman’s restroom, and I’m certain that will be a unique blog post in its own!

8) If you are religious; has being Transgender conflicted with your spiritual care?

A: Yes…to an extent.

I was born Catholic and raised Lutheran…when I finally began transitioning, many of my closes church friends that I knew all my life turned away from me. I tried to attend a different Lutheran church in Allyn, Washington…but when they learned I was transgender, I was quickly shunned.

I have really never settled back into a church after my transition…but hope once I look female; I’ll return to a different congregation that will accept me as I am. And, as of lately, my old church where I grew up reached out to me, the new pastor welcoming me, understanding I am transgender and accepting me as I am. Yet, I still have not gone.

9) Do you feel comfortable answering simple questions about being Transgender by:

A)   Family: Yes. This was the hardest of all my people I came out to. Coming out to my mom was difficult as I did not want to be disowned by my own family. Family is everything to me…and I did not know how to talk to mom, my sister, grandmother or even uncles, aunts and cousins. I am comfortable about talking about my female side to them, but still leery about talking about the surgeries.

B)    Friends: Yes. If anyone that I opened up to…it was friends first. First my girlfriend and then closes friends on my Facebook account (losing about 10% of my friends).

C)    Strangers: Cautious. I’ve found that most people are courteous enough to be respectful, but I don’t get into details.

D)   Online: Yes. I have answered many questions via my Tumblr site about my Transgender experience and have also had to block a few ‘creepy’ people.

 10) What is something you loved to do that you are unable to do now as a Transgender woman?

A: Swimming. I was very active at my local YMCA’s deep water aerobics and shallow water aerobics classes. I would spend two hours swimming laps and each year attend a class to improve my swimming skills. Since HRT, my attendance at the local Y was twice this year.

I just don’t know how to dress and act while swimming. Swimming is like its own culture within a culture. I wish to dress is a female swimming suit, but first, they are rarely in my size and they would reveal my male anatomy. I’d be asking for trouble. If I wear my regular male swimming attire, I risk exposing my breasts if my outfit rises in the water.

***

LIFESTYLE CHANGES QUESTIONS

1) Have you grown your hair longer and/or modified it in the last year?

A: Yes. Prior to HRT; I only considered growing my hair only shoulder length. For a few months I found that having long hair was highly annoying and high maintenance. Since a year into my HRT, I have continued growing my hair with only one ‘layering’ trimming back in August 2019. At this time, I wish to grow my hair to the point that it touches my clavicles. I have began modifying its color from brown to blonde. I am hoping to achieve an 80% blonde with silver highlights and then dye the tips of my hair aquamarine blue.

2) Have you’ve worn makeup in the past year?

A: Yes; but I started late. I was advised by my physician to begin using makeup to hide my male blemishes (stubble). At this time, I am mainly using hues of blue, pink, yellow and silver. I mainly decorate my eyes (which is sort of pointless as it can’t be seen thanks to my male-brow) with eye shadow and highlight my cheeks to make them look fuller. I use to use foundation and primer, but I have not used those in the last two months as I don’t need them.

3) Have you’ve worn high heels in the past year?

A: No; I don’t like high heels…they are unstable and the major cause of ankle injuries. Also, I doubt they make a size 14-16 in women’s that I can buy local!

4) Have you’ve worn a skirt in the past year?

A: Yes; When I converted my wardrobe, I bought a purple skirt. I wasn’t certain about it; but love it. Since then, I own four skirts. The great thing about skirts is that unlike pants, they usually will fit nicer and hide anything ‘male’ that might give you away.

One thing that is certain! If you are going to wear a skirt, be sure to shave those legs. Another note, all my skirts go past my knees, I don’t like short skirts as they are ‘too’ revealing.

5) Have you’ve worn a dress in the past year?

A: Yes, three times. Once during an outing to Ocean Shores, again in the casino, once around the house (in Mason County) and again for Christmas morning. I also wore a dress for New Year’s Eve.

I like dresses, but you really can’t do much in them.

6) Have you’ve worn a blouse in the past year?

A: Yes, I own many blouses and they are my primary source of shirts in my wardrobe.

7) Have you’ve worn any form of bra in the past year?

A: Yes, I started wearing a bra when my back pain was becoming intolerable. I’ve been fitted with a 44C and then a 46D. I only own two bras (plunge) as they are terribly expensive!

8) Have you’ve worn any feminine undergarments in the past year?

A: Yes. I bought my first feminine undergarments in November 2019 and socks in December 2019. I have not bought any intimacy clothing as they are impractical.

9) Have you gotten your ears pierced?

A: No! I am not against earrings. I’ve seen some nice earrings out there that I’d love to wear, but I do not want to pierce my ears. I don’t like needles!

10) Have you started wearing ‘feminine’ jewelry?

A: Yes; Before HRT, I only wore a watch; now I wear a necklace. I currently have six necklaces: Mermaid Tail Necklace, Moonstone Necklace, Opal-Crystal Necklace, Abalone Necklace, Mermaid Necklace & a Aquamarine Necklace. I also wear 24/7 a moon-ring on my right hand which signifies my transition and keeps men from thinking I’m available.

11) If you had some ‘passing tips’ to offer other Transgender individuals, what are some things you do to pass?

A: The battle to pass as the opposite gender is as unique as the individual.

I have found that there is a list of things I must do in-order to pass successfully with a 20% chance of failure:

1—Clothing: How you dress will determine what people first see. Colors and patterns always attract the eye first. If you dress masculine, you’ll be perceived masculine and if you dress feminine, you’ll certainly be perceived feminine. Half of male clothing can double as female clothing, but you are putting yourself at risk if you are MtF.

Then again, don’t overdress and don’t underdress! Wear something that makes you comfortable, if you are not comfortable in your own clothing, it will show. Also, for MtF’s, be wary of patterns that might emphasize your male form.

2—Face: Your face will be your undoing as a transgender individual. For FtM, stay well-trimmed, shorten hair and lighten up on the jewelry and makeup. For MtF, stay well-shaved, style your hair and wear makeup that emphasizes your feminine features. FFS will help with the bones to open the eyes and smooth the jaw and nose (MtF) or reduce the cheeks and angle the jaw (FtM).

3—Voice: Work on your transgender voice…but don’t overstress it. If it sounds fake, it will lead to your downfall. I’ve seen videos of lovely Trans-women passing until they speak an it gives it away.

4—Confidence: If you think you are not passing; then there really is no reason to try. Most of the time when I’ve been misgendered, my confidence as Mira (believing I am a woman and not caring what any cis-individual says) has saved me from physical and emotional harm. Also, if I look conformable in my own skin, people say I seem to glow, bloom and just look beautiful…but when I’m doubting myself, my transgender nature brightly shows.

12) Have being transgender held you back from your career choice?

A: First off, I am medically disabled; so, this question can’t be answered in the way it was written. But before I began HRT, I’d say no.

If anything, accepting my transgender nature gave me the strength to pursue my career goals as an environmental educator and EMT. Before then, I only worked in dietary services…hired for my male strength and not brains. Hell, I even had a director at St. Anthony Hospital tell me I was only good for my muscles and not my mind.

As a transgendered individual; I began a new hobby…sound technology that has gotten me some uncertainty as I began as a man and ended up as a female. To be honest, they are not certain how to perceive me…even two of the vocalists refuse to call me Mira as it goes against their ideology…but I’m okay with it.

13) How is your relationship with your doctor?

A: Excellent. During my HRT, my primary doctor remained ignorant to my transgender health…I felt uncomfortable talking to him about my nature as a female (considering he wasn’t very compliant with my diagnosis of Asperger’s). He was my doctor in over 10 years! But he was David’s doctor and would not be suited to be Mira’s doctor.

So, I took a dangerous gamble. About a year into my HRT, I began searching for a new doctor that specialized in Transgender Health. I decided if I was going to become a woman, I needed a doctor I could trust and was conformable with me.

I transferred my care to Virginia Mason on Bainbridge (an hour drive away!) to have all my general and transgeneral care done. I certainly suggest that if you are transgender, find a doctor who is knowledgeable and willing to help you from the hormones to the surgery to the after years.

I know Dr. Worth was going to be a wonderful doctor for my care when she bluntly said: ‘You should know that I will not only treat you for your transgender health, but for your overall health. I will be overviewing your whole health as both female and male.’

***

COMPLIANCE QUESTIONS

1) Right now, are you complying to a feminine attire? What is it?

A: Yes. (Under shirt) A woman’s dress shirt with gold and blue embroidery (Top) A long black and white dress with swirl design patterns. Black Nylons, ladies’ garments, 44C bra and Dr. Scholl's work shoes.

2) Right now, are you in a relationship?

A: Yes; with a bisexual woman. We’ve been dating for 13 years.

3) Right now (without using goggle), write out something positive about yourself using the letters of your first name:

A: M—Mermaid I—Intelligent R—Resilient A—Admirable

4)     Please explain in your own words, your transition process and what you have gone through to transition into a transgender individual.

A: So, many people take a different path to reach their desired persona.

I actually began (attempting) transitioning in 2017, using herbal supplements which was a terrible idea. Don’t even waste your time doing this!

By November 2017, I contacted Cedar Rivers in Tacoma to enroll in their Transgender clinic and was placed on a four month wait list as they only enroll in February. By February 2018 I called once more and was given a delayed appointment because I failed to provide a transgender name (I hesitated over the phone as I was being careful as no one knew what I was doing and I wanted to have one year of hormone therapy under my belt before coming out.)

Delayed once more to May 2018, I met with one of their doctors and was started on a light dose of hormones as I only identified as genderfluid and only wanted to appear ‘remotely’ female, out of fear of retaliation from my family. However, as the hormones took effect, I would take a few pills a week and skip a week until July 2018 when I committed to the treatment.

I began estrogen in July 2018 and changed my label from gender nonconforming to genderfluid. From July 2018 to December 2018, nothing much happened.

By January 2019, I increased my dose of hormones and began to change finally. My changes were happened faster then I could photograph and with my year one coming up, Cedar River was preparing to drop my care.

I transferred to Virginia Mason in March 2019 and by April 2019, I legally switched my name and gender four month ahead of schedule.

By July, I began talking about facial feminization, breast augmentation and gender reassignment surgery with Dr. Worth, but denying consultation due to my health.

By September 2019, my breast growth made ‘not wearing’ a bra hell and I switch my wardrobe from male to female and began to separate myself from the life of David and being reborn as Mira. I finally came out to my biological family about my transgender nature and began to make amends.

October 2019, I finally scheduled an appointment with plastics to talk about facial feminization in 2020.

My last transition process was at Virginia Mason’s facial plastics clinic and after review; I was considered a candidate for surgery, but waiting on insurance’s reply…

Hypothetical Transition Process

January 2020: my first annual wellness checkup as a transgender female.

January 2020: begin referral process to plastics for breast augmentation.

February 2020: hear from Facial plastics about insurance decision.

March 2020: undergoing appeal for facial plastics or scheduling appointment for surgery.

March 2020: consultation with plastics for breast augmentation.

May 2020: check-up on facial plastics and/or breast augmentation.

October 2020: Begin talking about preparing for GRS.

November 2020: Look for a second psychologist to do evaluation for GRS.

December 2020: if facial plastics is still in appeal stage, should resolve by now.

2021: Retry FFS (or if surgery was performed, should be seeing my true face by now).

January 2021: If FFS was performed, begin breast augmentation surgery and/or start sending referrals to Oregon Health for GRS consultation.

January 2022: GRS performed.

5) Which feature of your body do you like the most since HRT?

A: My breasts…they have blossomed into something rather remarkable! It is amazing to think how at one time I could touch finger-tip to finger-tip while my palms covered my tiny nipples…now, I can’t even reach a single finger, not even with long nails!

It is hard to believe that my male chest could blossom into two womanly breasts.

6) Which feature of your body do you dislike the most since HRT?

A: I’d have to say my facial features. I don’t feel comfortable in public as my face still appears masculine. I spend the most time fretting over my facial features and if I am passing as female so I do get outed as being transgender.

7) With a New Year coming soon in a few hours; what is something you’d like to change for 2020?

A: I like to get back to swimming at the YMCA and start swimming laps. I use to spend 3-5 hours a day there and I’d like to get back at doing that. My ultimate goal is to save up my money to buy a mermaid tail and begin ‘mermaiding’. I currently have two fabric tails, but like to get is silicone tail.

8) With a New Year coming soon; what is your focus for 2020 regarding your ongoing battle with gender dysphoria?

A: Facial Feminization is a top priority with Breast Augmentation a close second. I have a FFS consultation on January 2nd 2020.

(Taken October 2019 - 18 Months On HRT)

[newhumantype]

ODAAT meta: Penelope x Schneider + what on earth are the writers thinking?

Okay SO I have not been able to stop thinking about Penelope and Schneider’s relationship in ODAAT season 3. The alvareider subtext was so fucking LOUD that I'm now beyond thinking that I'm reaching or that it’s all an accident, and I had to work out my thoughts.

IMO, The writers can only be doing one of three things at this point:

1.) Beginning to hint at a future of penelope x schneider by slowly dialing up the intimacy between them and emphasizing their importance to and reliance on one another in their lives so that a future romantic relationship seems not only plausible to the casual viewer, but inevitable and right.

2.) Purposely giving alvareider shippers little tiny things to hold onto because they have no intention of actually Going There with them but don't want to alienate those viewers entirely because they need all the support can get.

3.) They haven't decided either way about where they want to take them so they're toeing the line between friendship and potential romance so they can keep their options open.

Below the cut I’ll discuss why I’ve come to this conclusion and make my best guess as to which option is the most likely (which of course only matters if we get another season, but I can’t think dark thoughts right now).

I want to preface this whole thing by saying that I would still enjoy the show very much if Schneider and Penelope were established full stop as just friends. In fact I could probably be more easily swayed away from shipping them than I could for almost any couple I’ve ever shipped if the show were to really tell me why they would not work together.

But, in three seasons, they have yet to do that in any substantial way—by, for example example, giving either of them legitimate romantic partners who are clearly better suited for them and on whom they can emotionally rely. And yet, at the same time, we have to face the fact that everything that points to them being a match is only subtext. In season three it got very close, we're talking photo finish close, to becoming a surface level discussion, but it didn't quite make it.

To me, this all culminates in that scene at the wedding where Pen invites Schneider to sit with her. They smile at each other, she mentions that they're the only single people there, and then, BAM, another romantic option (whose character, though fun and cute, was not fleshed out at all this season...we only care about Avery because Schneider says he does, and even that is hard to believe because they were not shown bonding or spending any real time together) jumps in front of them. Pen and Schneider had been about to share a moment, their mutual singledom and strong emotional bond were just about to be discussed, and then the whole subject faded into the background in the blink of an eye.

Season 3 subtext, as @actuallylorelaigilmore  adeptly explained in greater detail in her wonderful meta essay, can be read as Penelope and Schneider tentatively testing their interpersonal waters. Is Pen his much older sister? Are they best friends? Co-parents? Penelope had to face a lot of hard facts this season: Alex smoking weed, Elena having sex, learning to be unashamed of her anxiety attacks; what she’s never had to think about or look at closely is why she chooses to rely exclusively on Schneider for comfort during her darkest moments. For as much talk as there is about Schneider being another family member, this is a glaring example of how he doesn’t quite fit that mold. Why does she rely on him as opposed to her family, and as opposed to her current or past significant other(s)?

It’s my view that none of these parallels or almost moments could have been  accidents because nothing on this show is ever an accident. I love it very much, but odaat is not subtle. This is a show that gets in its characters' faces and makes them confront hard truths head-on—truths about themselves, about the world around them, about their relationships. Look at Lydia and Leslie, for example. They have a very hard-to-define relationship, one which does not fit into traditional boxes. When they first started seeing each other, Lydia was happy to simply continue in secret or ignore Leslie’s concerns about the nature of their relationship until the end of time, but she was not allowed to. And, thus, by the third season we have them self-defining as non-sexual platonic companions.

This is a show about identity, about defining who you are and embracing it, no matter how uneasy, multifaceted, or inscrutable a concept that is. All they would have to do, then, in order to quiet the latent (and, increasingly, blatant) potential for Alvareider would be to follow their traditional formula and face the subject head-on. Of course, there have been several comments made over the years in this vein. Pen has talked about how she isn’t attracted to Schneider--but then again, there have been times when she’s expressed attraction. In season 3, we all heard Schneider refer to her as his sister, but at the same time their physical intimacy became much more pronounced and their romantic journeys paralleled each other in a way that is difficult to ignore or brush off as coincidence.

In a show based around a set of core values and hard truths, any ambiguity eventually becomes really glaring. They address everything, so why not Pen and Schneider? We know they are aware that some fans ship them. Justina, Todd, and Gloria all liked a tweet the other day from someone saying as much. Any conversation around the show, any tags, are bound to contain talk of it. After seasons 1 and 2, I would not have thought that the creators were saying much about Pen and Schneider’s relationship at all, but season 3 is a whole new animal.

If option 1 is the truth, I believe they’ve only been maybe planning to let Pen and Schneider get together this year. The Alvareider subtext really has just hit a fever pitch, despite nonetheless remaining absent from the actual text of the show. Since it does air on Netflix and renewal is not definite, perhaps they did this to give Alvareider shippers hope without feeling ready to address it directly, but with plans to do so in the future That would make sense. It’s always good to prepare an audience for getting two beloved characters together because that is a big deal and you want to not blindside your fans with something so monumental.

Option 2 is also possible, but I don’t want it to be. Odaat is so kindness forward. I don’t want to believe that they would drag fans along for the sake of it. They haven’t done that in any other respect, so I’m choosing to not think it of them now, although I will continue to recognize the possibility.

Option 3 is...most likely, I think. Maybe they see the potential we do, but just don’t know if they want to shake up the dynamic until they’re sure. As I’ve already said, the decision to put them together would be a huge one. I completely understand them liking Alvareider in concept but not quite being sure if they want to go there. Perhaps they added the subtext this season on purpose in order to say, “maybe???” In truth, a lot of the discussion around Pen and Schneider is like, “omg I love their friendshp a lot > they love each other and rely on each other all the time > their romantic lives always leave them unsatisfied in some way > they aren’t as close with any other adult as they are with each other > wait do I SHIP them? Is that weird? > omg I ship them!” Season 3 could be the writers feeling out the possibility for themselves.

No matter what, there has got to be some reason that they have not written the episode about why Pen and Schneider would never work romantically, or at least taken pains to more rigidly define the parameters of their friendship. Granted they are not an obvious match, and perhaps the writers had not thought of them together initially at all and did not see a reason to deny it so unequivocally then. But on a show where no emotional stone is left unturned, continuing to ignore the subject and leave the possibility open means that they are saying Something. What exactly that something is, I of course can’t say at this point. I wish I could. But for now I will take Pen and Schneider’s own advice on the subject, and won’t give up before the miracle happens.

Thanks for reading. Hope this made sense. I’m sure other people are saying this same stuff, and more succinctly than me, but I hope you got something out of it, anyway. :)

[thesinglesjukebox]

THE HIGHWOMEN - REDESIGNING WOMEN

[5.30]

And yet they couldn't get Delta Burke to do a cameo in the video...

Joshua Lu: The Highwomen should, in theory, be a triumph for country music, at the very least because of the four amazing artists involved: Natalie Hemby (songwriter who's penned works for artists like Miranda Lambert, Kacey Musgraves and... Nelly Furtado?), Amanda Shires (singer/songwriter/violinist with six solo albums to her name), Brandi Carlile (responsible for one of the best albums of 2018 and for several other excellent ones) and Maren Morris (renowned hitmaker who recently sent "Girl" to #1 on the country airplay charts). Why, then, does "Redesigning Women" fail to muster the magic any one of the artists could deliver on her own? Vocally, the four of them blend together into each far too much; only Brandi's vocals ring distinctly, leaving the other three acting as part of her backdrop, including Maren, whose particularly potent pipes I shouldn't struggle to pinpoint. Lyrically, it's filled with signifiers for traditional vs. modern female roles, with requisite mentions of babies, the kitchen and hair dye, which make for evocative imagery but don't make for any meaningful message other than... that women's roles have evolved over time? It's too comfortable just describing the current state of affairs instead of demanding something more, and I'm left wondering what a listener is supposed to take away when the last guitar chord fades away. [4]

Michael Hong: The supergroup should involve a group of artists who know their strengths and weaknesses well enough that they're able to cover each other's weaknesses and emphasize their strengths in a way that wouldn't be possible as solo artists. The Pistol Annies worked so well on Interstate Gospel, not only because of the trio's harmonies, but also in the way that each artist brought something as a writer, like Monroe injecting some of her trademark dry humour into Lambert and Presley's wickedly smart small-town life observations. It comes as a confusing surprise then that across The Highwomen, less than half of all tracks are writing collaborations between the women, with Natalie Hemby being the sole member credited with writing their first outing. While Hemby has established herself as a great songwriter in Nashville, her strength was in the charming intimacy of her hushed vocals and finger-plucked guitar, but her own writing was hindered by her reliance on traditionalism that occasionally veered into cheesy nostalgia. "Redesigning Women" lacks the personal charm of Hemby's solo music and allows Hemby's penchant for cheesy traditionalism to seep through on awkward lines like "running the world while we're cleaning up the kitchen" and "changing our minds like we change our hair color." Confusingly, the track pushes this narrative where women have control, so long as they continue to provide in the more "traditional" gender roles. It makes for the track appearing to be a female empowerment anthem on first glance, but ending up being more outdated and restrictive, akin to Maren Morris's GIRL. Without the voices of Carlile, Morris, and Shires as writers, The Highwomen fall flat as a supergroup. While the four do sound pleasant across the track, pleasant just doesn't feel like enough on a track titled "Redesigning Women," which ultimately falls flat as another version of female empowerment written by the current Nashville songwriter du jour. [4]

Alex Clifton: In general feminist Americana/folk/country plays well with me, but where "Redesigning Women" gets really good is when all four women sing the title line. I hear so many older country superstars in their harmonies -- I could swear Dolly is in there singing along with them -- and it's a revelation. The lyrics are pretty good too, giving a light touch with lines like "breaking the jello mould" while still delivering a sincere message. The thing I have always liked about classic country is its strength, the confidence of the sliding guitars and banjos, how the singers sing out and loud, how even when there are quieter moments you still remain on solid ground. "Redesigning Women" does that while returning to an older sound that feels so rare these days, all the while making it fresh and glorious to hear. [8]

Alfred Soto: Shtickier and less distinctive than expected, "Redesigning Women" hews to a pattern -- a Jell-O mold? -- that acknowledges no middle ground between saints and surgeons; someone else, after all, a man, makes a woman a saint. It survives because Brandi Carlile, Maren Morris and Amanda Shires harmonize with the ease of women who understand how doing a job well is too often not reward enough. [6]

Jackie Powell: This song is an anthem and after my first listen, I didn't think I'd ever come to that conclusion. Country music for me is polarizing. But, each member of this quartet is Grammy-nominated in their own right and is enduring massive individual success. So why now for The Highwomen? "Redesigning Women" and the entire project coming from these four is selfless in nature. On CBS Morning before their debut at the Newport Folk Festival, Carlile referred to it as "a movement" rather than "a band." And the lyrical choices on this track are mostly consistent with that analysis. A goal is to inspire and that's admirable. Although I'll be frank, the first verse annoyed me; it reminded me of Girl Scout campfire songs. The chorus, however, is where The Highwomen shine. Each voice is heard, unlike the verses, and layered to provide a vocal texture that juxtaposes the nasal one you hear at the top of the song. I'm a sucker for alliteration and Hemby's serves as the best phrases in the entire song. But I don't love some of the female stereotypes referenced. Can we please move away from this idea that women almost always "need to look good," "clean the kitchen" or feel pressured to "feed the baby"? The Highwomen redeem themselves on the bridge which offers a call and response to a question that all who identify as female can relate to. Womanhood isn't black and white. There isn't a formula and if there is, then maybe you are doing it all wrong. The Highwomen have a broader audience than they think. I hope they take advantage of it as they continue to tell the stories of those who have redesigned and redefined their own womanhood. [6]

Joshua Copperman: The Highwomen have an interesting idea here -- "Running the world while we're cleaning up the kitchen" is clunky but appears to speculate that while gender roles are changing for women, men aren't meeting that change halfway. So you have podcasts asking if Women Can Have It All, and entire empires built on the Plight of the Working Woman -- in this song, the progress society has made (lol) indicates that "traditional women" take on all the responsibilities and nothing has gotten easier, let alone more equal. It's a thought-provoking message, but the rest is delivered in a surprisingly corny fashion from four women that, as far as I know, have either evaded or embraced corniness. This project could be a midpoint between Case/Lang/Veirs and Bridgers/Baker/Dacus, but the monotonous verses only bring to mind "Children of The Future" in their presentation and messaging. Maybe it's because up to this point, I've presented and lived in the world as a cis straight male (regardless of my actual orientation or gender identity). But no matter how I present myself, I know for a fact that all parties involved have done better, and this is deeply underwhelming. [4]

Iris Xie: A title like "Redesigning Women" begs something a lot more radical, maybe even jumping on the whole cyberpunk/anthropocene/post-apocalyptic aesthetic. But no, we get a song that is emblematic of conservative, tired, "choice" feminism. Why is buying 11 pairs of shoes considered moving progress forward? Why is a song about the fatigue in women's gender roles lacking so much anger? Why does this sonically sound like a swallowed deference? "Redesigning Women" upsets me, because it's like the time when I was a kid and asked older women if they've ever heard what feminism and seeing them wrinkle their noses at it and be offended at my question, and when I asked DC immigration lobbyists if they've ever experienced sexism or discrimination in their work and they stared at me because they didn't know how to answer the question. It made me feel so confused in those moments, and realizing how effective obfuscation is in separating and talking about the ways oppressive systems function, and how we ourselves can be extremely complicit in perpetuating them while also surviving them. "Redesigning Women" is meant as a touch-and-go balm as an acknowledgment of life's hardships, but without providing any solutions other than "let's make the best of it, you aren't the only one suffering," which is the only time that collectivism seems to raise its head in this individualist capitalist society, for the moment you start complaining, you aren't doing your part in your Dream. Bioessentialism and gender roles aside, this is a song that puts forth several arguments that The Highwomen and any other women just living their lives is redefining the roles of women. The imagery in "Making bank, shaking hands, driving 80 / Tryna get home just to feed the baby" is wonderfully succinct, and pretty much wraps up why life underneath capitalism absolutely sucks, whether you are or are not able to access that life. The rest of the examples -- such as "breaking every jello mold" and "When we love someone we take 'em to Heaven / And if the shoe fits, we're gonna buy 11" -- mix relatable, down-home metaphors with ones that wouldn't be out of place when it comes to simple desires to be a little too much, to be a little more ostentatious and a little less modest and "for the family!", where your every move as a woman is judged harshly. The bridge itself hearkens to a place of moral simplicity, with "How do we do it? How do we do it? / Making it up as we go along / How do we do it? How do we do it? / Half way right and half way wrong," that seems so innocent and very "we can do it!" But in reality, who is the target audience for this? It's for the women with families and jobs, and for those single femmes (like me!) who are conscientious of those future realities, who are all trying to keep these impossible lives and demands afloat in this disaster called late crisis capitalism. This is supposed to be soothing and reminds me that we're "all in this together," but it honestly kind of hurts to listen to this song. [5]

Katherine St Asaph: Designing Women is a relic of the '80s-'90s deadzone, and though it's getting rebooted and reconstituted, and was just rerun on Hulu (if you even knew), it is no longer a cultural touchstone, let alone enough of one to effectively snowclone. Jell-O molds reside in questionable '70s cookbooks and not modern kitchens, even in the South. Rosie the Riveter predates even the '50s. Nothing about this, from fusty lyrics to fustier vocals to women-are-fickle-but-good-fickle feminism, suggests it was written in the 21st century, let alone by "Country's Ballsiest New Supergroup." Who is this for? The kids are listening to Kacey Musgraves and Lil Nas X. The grownups are listening to country artists -- including some of the solo Highwomen, probably -- whose songs sound like they're inhabited by real people, not the speechwriters for corporate retreats. Industry folks are undoubtedly listening to this out of pent-up goodwill, which would be better directed toward commissioning repertoire that doesn't sound like it'd be dated in 1989. Extra point because at least it's responsible for the best thing Dierks Bentley has ever recorded. [2]

Stephen Eisermann: The idiot members of the Deplorable Choir have been all over my Twitter feed this week, so much so that I almost doubted if I ever wanted to listen to women of country collaborate for a track. I'm so pissed this song didn't show up immediately after I first saw that horrendous performance because this track, with its rich harmonies and empowering lyrics, elevates country music in a way that melts the iciness that has developed around my heart in recent years. These are the women that are leading and should continue to lead us into the future. [8]

Thomas Inskeep: Better in theory than in practice, mainly because the song's lyrics are just the slightest bit kitschy. But goddamn if Brandi Carlile, Natalie Hemby, Maren Morris, and Amanda Shires don't sound great together, and are given perfect country production by Dave Cobb. Even though I wish I liked "Redesigning Women" a little more, it still whets my appetite for their debut album, because I know there's even better to come. [6]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[vocaleffectsreviewguideblog-blog]

8 Tips on How to Make Vocals in Music Recordings Sound Professional

First things

Each Voice differs. Settings which assist the voice of this top-selling artist to be on peak of the graphs, may do nothing to assist your own voice. In reality, such configurations may even hurt it. Bear this in mind while you read advice regarding frequency amounts, etc..

Your voice is unique. And what's unique, needs to be treated as such. That is why remarks about microphones change so much. I will say this however - the greater the vocal documents, the simpler it is to combine them properly.

1. Gear

Let us State you have an image of a sunset over Paris with a classic, two megapixel camera. It is likely to be a terrific picture yet. But should you attempt to create a poster from it, then you are going to get a fuzzy, pixelated mess. What the camera and pixels quality would be to your own eyes, pieces and studio gear are to your own ears.

Expensive, Higher finish Studio gear can really provide you with a feeling of what makes it pricey, or to place it properly, making it distinct. Using it's a fantastic way to prepare your ears. But not assume that quality can be found in the cost, as I mentioned, each voice is exceptional and simply because something is more expensive does not mean that it makes your voice sound better. That said, in the event that you ever have the opportunity to record with distinct studio gear, distinct mics, distinct workstations etc., please do this! It will provide you the chance to think about the very best arrangement for the voice.

2. Environment

Keep recording sessions tender. It's possible to add each reverb, and each room ambience you may think of with only a couple of clicks, but it's all but impossible to eliminate recorded room ambience out of the sign. Thus, do everything possible to maintain your space dry. In case you've got a booth, then you're most likely in a fantastic situation. If you do not have one, attempt to construct one (it is simpler than you think-just Google"vocal booth selfmade" to find some inspiration). If you do not have the cash for this (you do not require a lot), at least attempt to separate your recording region from the remainder of your space in some manner.

3. Panning and Track Numbers

Everyone has a different strategy to panning along with the amount of vocal tracks that are essential. I will only tell you my view.

The Direct vocals for verses are often put in the middle. If you would like to present your listener a particular intimacy, it is always much better to use just one vocal track. It merely keeps your mixture clear and also makes the listening experience improved. I am not fond of doubling the whole verse. Considering all the subtle differences between the two takes - like the consonants which never get paired up perfectly - it only makes your vocals sound cluttered. If you'd like a very clear lead outspoken, just use one monitor.

The Next thing I would do would be record two tracks where you double certain areas of the verse. Pan them equally in opposite directions (15 to 40), and decrease their volume. You need to notice a difference involving the thickest part and the component with no doubles, but do not make it obvious. Just so it provides your vocals along with the significance of what's being said in some specific parts more electricity. Doubling is rather common in all sorts of music, particularly in rap songs. If you're singing, instead of rapping, be cautious when doubling as it may make your vocals sound too artificial and overly pop-ish. On the flip side, if you're trying for this soda audio, doubling may be a fantastic tool for you!

From the chorus, You're able to record two vocal tracks and pan them involving 30 to 60 - you to the left, you to the best. An alternative is to list a third trail, which can be put in the middle, but maybe not as loudly as the lead vocals on your own poetry.

Some individuals record one direct monitor and double it (copy and paste it) and edit them otherwise (EQ, compressor, pitch, etc.) This could be another fantastic tool to make your vocals sound different in specific areas of the tune, exactly like the panning advice I mentioned previously. Give it a try and see how you enjoy it.

4. Equalizing Vocals

At To begin with, add a very low cut filter on each vocal track. It is quite common to increase the frequencies from 2 kHz and upward for feminine vocals, and 3 kHz and upward for male vocals. Frequencies between 8 and 6 kHz are extremely sensitive since this is where the S noises are in home. Be cautious. What seems nice and clear in your own studio tracks, may feel just like needle-sticks for your ear while listening to earphones. Always double- and - triple-check your mixture on various playback devices such as monitors, headphones, earphones, etc..

If the S is overly sharp, reduce it. You may either put in a native de-esser on your DAW by employing a dynamic equalizer, or manually decreasing every S on your vocal recording. The latter would be the most time-consuming, but provides you the maximum control. Remember the equalizers and de-essers do not understand consonants, they comprehend frequencies. And a few consonants may share the very same frequencies as the S. So just employ native de-essers with care.For more detail click https://www.sustainpunch.com/tc-helicon-voicelive-3-review/

5. Reverb

When adding reverb, keep in mind The lead vocals should typically be only that - top. So, adding an excessive amount of reverb is disadvantageous. Simply use little room reverbs. You should not even comprehend the reverb, except if it has gone. Additionally, it is based upon the instrumental. When there's a great deal happening in your instrumental , a major reverb will most likely be too much for your tune. However if your instrumental gets considerably room/space, reverb on vocals can be rather powerful.

6. Breathing Sounds

Obviously, Your vocal recordings include breathing noises. Whether the existence of these breathing seems should be weak or strong is a matter of personal preference. In my view, they are very important. That does not mean they ought to be exceedingly loud though. This means you ought to edit them individually and with fantastic care.

In case a breath is too loud, then Then lower its quantity. When it's too long, then substitute it with a fantastic breath in precisely the exact same take or from a different one. If a breath creates a particular part feel overly frantic, then eliminate it. If it seems as though a breath is lost, add a single.

These alterations can improve the flow of Your records and make your personal chooses feel much more cohesive. They may also be utilized as a sort of glue to adhere two successive takes with each other to make them feel as though they were recorded simultaneously!

But: Don't double themand do not cut them. Constantly fade in and fade away.

7. Consonants

If You've listed one lead vocal monitor and two thirds paths for a word like,"I'm looking at the mist," you head experience a rattling noise in the end, since the 3 T's of"mist" won't look at the specific same moment. You may either move them nearer together, hence the rattling noise disappears, or you are able to eliminate two of these. Fade out the paths you eliminated the consonant from to prevent unwanted cutting noises.

8. Breaks

Many Folks avoid breaks since they would like to complete their job they Do not think breaks are essential. But human perceptions Become used to Both positive and negative stimulations. You May Not understand something in a Room, in the event that you just arrived from sunlight, but after your eyes adjust, you Will observe all type of items you'd missed. When you input a Restaurant, you may perceive great scents, but once you've been Sitting in your desk for some time, your understanding of these scents vanishes. The identical thing occurs with your ears. In Case You Have been mixing Vocals for a few hours, you may think they sound great and Clear, but the following day, you could just feel embarrassed at how helpless they sound.

[mayrasportfolio]

REFLECTIONS – chapter 30, 31 and 40

Selected global issues discussed in the chapters-

IMAGINATION & IDENTITY

Chapter 30, which is a part of the larger section titled ‘Night’, is an exploration of Offred’s past memories. The night, in the life of a handmaid, is the only part of their day they have reserved for themselves. While secluded in the privacy of her own room, Offred drifts away in her own thoughts, randomly appearing her head. The darkness of night also allows brings up the poetic language used by the narrator. It seems as if during the harsh sunlight of the day, Offred can not allow for her imagination to affect the way she perceives her surroundings, but once the sun sets, and night falls (a vivid discussion at the beginning of the chapter regarding why it falls rather than lifts is a sign of this sudden creativity emerging from the narrator as well), Offred becomes more focused on her senses and imagination, and uses rhetorical devices or imagery to deepen the readers understanding of her current state. She allows her thoughts to be free at night, therefore after spending the whole day submissively, her internal monologue cannot stop resurfacing events from the past, all of which are loosely tied to each other. Only through these memories can Offred sustain her identity. After her entire life has ended, she clings on to her remembrance of the past. Her collective memories form her identity.

BELIEFS & VALUES

As she relives events from the past, such as the day her and her husband had to make the decision to kill their cat, Offred evaluates her thoughts regarding how the communal oppression affected ones moral rules, and set of beliefs. Once her and her husband are forced to flee the country as a means of survival, the couple realize they cannot abandon their cat, as her aimless wandering may give them away to the authorities. ‘’I’ll take care of it, Luke said. And because he said it, instead of her, I knew he meant kill.” In order to be capable of killing anyone, one must first deprive it of its humanity – dehumanizing it. Luke had to see their cat as an object, and obstacle standing in the way of their freedom in order to even physically be able to murder it. This comparably small event forms a parallel between the current Gileadean society, where every citizen is regarded to without consideration for their life. Almost as if they were pions used for achieving a larger goal, which is the survival of the human race. But what is striking in this unwavering mentality, is that the aim of continuing the human population is achieved through taking away the humanity of the people. Offred states –‘’they force you to kill within yourself”, suggesting that once in the eyes of anybody or anything, one become a statistic rather than a person, they may come to think of themselves in that manner as well, therefore killing their humanity themselves.

Beliefs in the terms of religion are also explored in this chapter, as it reaches it’s end with Offred’s prayer. Before starting, she has a flashback from when she was forced to harmoniously pray along with the other women in the Red Centre. The verse ‘’Thank you for not creating me a man” is a reference and reversal of a Jewish prayer during which men thank God for not creating them a woman. This allusion simultaneously adds irony to the text, as well as fulfills the role of emphasizing a social double standard. The idea that one should be thankful for not being a woman is already degrading toward the second sex. In the novel, the context in which Atwood places this phrase suggests that the reason why handmaidens should be thankful to be women, is because they can serve the men by bearing their children. Both the clauses are offensive towards women, but the reasons are completely different. However, in Offreds personal prayer, she leaves the formalities aside, and builds a more intimate bond with the God she is speaking to. “I wish you tell me Your name, the real one I mean.” The narrator implies that even God, who is ominously referred to by a single word, just like her, has an original name, one that has nothing in common with the function He has, or the role He plays. In her solitude, the narrator is overwhelmed with a sudden need for grounded intimacy. The prayer for Offred is a last retreat of sorts. She panics as it starts to end, terrified by the thought that perhaps her words have no listener and that indeed even at this moment she is alone. Unlike the prayers conducted at the Red Centre, Offred’s speech to God is purely her’s. She treats the concept of the prayer without its inherent sanctity, and allows herself this one moment of conversational relief.

COMMUNITY

By the start of chapter 31, which begins a new section titles ‘Jezebels’, Atwood comments on the social pressures imposed by the members of a community. She mentions ‘It should scratch makes on the wall, one for each day of the week […] but what would be the use, this isn’t a jail sentence’, thereby comparing her environment to a prison. Working further on this idea we can imagine all the inhabitants of the area are either prisoners or guards, and similarly to the community of a jailhouse, aside from the institutional laws, there are a set of social pressures created and regulated by the members of the oppressed community. An example of such an issue is Offred telling the time by the moon cycle, which consists of 28, the same number as that of a women’s menstrual cycle. Even though Offred opposes to the regime of the Eyes, in order to remain safe in her environment, she immediately associates the passage of time with her fertility. Another socially construct necessity is that for Serena to have a child. Of course the idea that she may genuinely want to have an offspring is anything but rules out, however by presenting Offred with the idea that if she wants to remain safe of the risk of becoming an Unwoman, she should consider disobeying the law and engaging in a sexual relationship with Nick, Serena must be somewhat influenced by how the other high-ranking Wives view her. The social pressures of the community become a larger factor than the actual set of rules regulated by the authorities and that are imposed on the people.

SEXUALITY & IDENTITY

Starting from chapter 30, Offred mentions her diminishing control over her own body and sexuality, nonetheless, it is in chapter 40 that these concerns become impersonated. In the previous chapter, Offred states –‘’my nightgown, long-sleeved even in the summer to keep us from the temptations of our own flesh, to keep us from hugging ourselves, bare-armed”. The clause indicates that women, specifically handmaids no longer have a right to their own body. The concept of sexuality is merely liquidated and urged to be forgotten, therefore, women are not even permitted to feel the touch of their own skin. Yet, this does not mean that one’s thoughts have to conform. ‘’They scent from the garden rises like a heat from a body’’, suggesting that it is against the nature of humankind to abolish sexuality. From an evolutionary standpoint, that trait is one of the reasons humans have survived this far, thus expecting that withholding temptation would be easier than withholding the urge to act or think is unrealistic.

The lack of human touch Offred has been struggling with manifests itself in chapter 40, when she arrives at Nicks door. There are two full versions of the events that took place in that room told by the narrator, nevertheless, both are said to be false. The various versions may lead to reader to question the reliability of the author. All being said, the Historical Notes section clearly indicates that since the narrator could not be traced, the events may fabricated. Yet the reason for the unclear string of events may be the emotional overload Offred faced upon entering the room. Offred’s statement “I am alive in my skin” is a clear suggestion that because of the lack of physical touch that narrator has experienced in the past years, the excitement that entails the experience may make the recollections more hazy and faded. False memories are also a factor worth considering, as from a psychological point of view, the sudden intimacy may have been a shock factor for the narrator, leading her to loose her grip on the objective reality and focus on her subjective experience. The final phrases – ‘’Is would like to be ignorant. Then I wouldn’t’ know how ignorant I was’’ means that the simple act of engaging in a sexual relationship, while Luke is still alive, is a burden on the narrator. She admits to needing love, nevertheless, cannot come to terms that she can somehow ‘replace’ her lost husband with Nick. This indicated that she regards her body and sexuality as something that has the possibility to belong to a certain person, rather then simply be hers. Later in the novel she explains that she loved Nick, and perhaps that is why she felt she had deceived Luke, yet at this moment, she is completely at loss with what her body is and who it belongs to.

[ihatemyartsomuch]

16th February 2020

3:43am

I don’t know why, but I feel so alone.

I think it’s stemming from the fact that I know that moms days are numbered. Then everything changes - I’m literally gonna be alone. Orphaned. Truly & absolutely alone.

I can’t shake this anxious episode. I haven’t been able to the whole day. I know I’m a fucking mess - & I hate that I have to constantly hide it because I’m supposedly effecting everybody & the entire mood & situation through it’s existence & it’s expression. This war that I’ve waged against myself. My internal struggles. My oppression.

Nobody understands. How could they even understand? I’m failing to do so myself.

Behind all the fake smiles & laughter hides a scared little boy, searching for guidance & direction. Searching for something. Something of actual purpose. That’s all I’ve been yearning for.. I don’t think I understand what that is, & how it feels to be accepted & supported fully.. what it feels like to be genuinely mentored & cared for. Spilling from the void that dad left behind. A vacancy I’ve looked to fill countless times. & failed.

My whole life I’ve struggled with my identity. My beliefs. My personal growth. My place in this world, with who I think I am in conjunction with who I project & are actually destined to be - the balance between these conflicting forces. Loving & accepting myself for its entirety.

I can’t.

I become version after version of myself.

Each with their own set of faults & insecurities.

All of them forged from pain & suffering.

All of them spawned through self-hatred.

I damage myself constantly. Avoiding what I deeply know I need to feel because I’m afraid of confronting the reality of my fears. The reality of my future. The life that I’ve created - a terrible coping mechanism. A fucking crutch intended to hurt me as I try to walk.

A series of painful distractions.

Projections & reflections.

I’m so ashamed of myself. Sometimes I just wanna hide. Run as far away as I can - I don’t understand why people constantly feel the need to keep me around. I have nothing to offer, yet they all expect this specific energy & character & effort from me. The detached, surfaced presence of my being - a facade I can only maintain for so long..

“Why’re you so sad?”

“What’s wrong?”

I’ve never really been able to answer that. There are so many elements & circumstances in my life that are forcing me to feel this way. & it’s so strenuous. I’m genuinely struggling to keep afloat right now. Gasping for moments of clarity & peace. A sea of my of my own creation, designed solely for my self destruction.

I’ve never really been afraid to drown.

I’ve never really been afraid to die.

Cape Town.

Mom.

Girlfriend.

Future.

These decisions shouldn’t be this hard, yet I’ve been struggling to realise what it is that I truly need to do. I’m turning 23 & I still feel like a lost child with no hope of finding my direction - I’ve never really been able to secure something inside of myself that’s genuinely meaningful. I lack will & desire. Devoid of want & need.

Numb.

They repeatedly tell you that you’re gonna be acting selfishly if you kill yourself - think about how it’s gonna affect everyone around you. Think about how they would feel?

You have so much to live for.

- A series of automated responses generated from our brain for the average suicide case.

We’re designed to conveniently care - then automatically resume with our self-consumed life experiences after that period of relevance is slightly out of focus. People don’t actually care. & we’re all well aware of this - it’s the human condition. A behavioural trait more than an active decision. Out of sight, out of mind.

& the true nature of this world has me contemplating whether I should succumb to these meaningless pressures that have been passively handed down to me because of who I am. This fucking casted shadow that I’ve been existing in since I was born. Expectations that I have to meet for the sake of my family & the legacy my surname holds. I have big shoes to fill. & even bigger steps to take.

They call my dad a legend. An icon. A role model. A mentor. A professor. A soul that will sorely be missed by countless people. A hero.

, but he died slaving away for the idea of a chance of a better life for us - & I don’t blame him. He loved us. He tried to do what he thought was best for us as a family.

I can’t even remember his voice. Anything he’s ever said to me. Why tf can’t I remember? I don’t understand this mental block - & it has me thinking if I’m going to grow this disconnected to the idea & memories of my mom too. Blank spaces in my memory to replace the trauma’s emotional attachment & accessibility. Slowly becoming more & more out of focus. Until it’s passively unnoticed.

Oblivion.

I need space. Somewhere that I can ultimately clear my head. My mind’s clouded. My judgement & vision impaired because of my frantic thoughts & dissociative behaviour. & the fact that I’ve been existing inside this state of ignorant bliss - for so long, that I actually believed I could do this forever - has ultimately left me conflicted & confused. I’ve stagnated.

Time hasn’t been on my side - I don’t think it’s ever been. & now it’s the only thing I have left.

Why tf do I feel so angry @ myself?

Why tf have I not been able to bounce back & continue like everything’s normal.

Why tf do I feel so consumed?

- work today really sucked. I feel like they’re doing what Michelle said. Slowly fading me out. Gently pushing me to disappear. As if I don’t matter - as if I haven’t mattered all this time. Tangible.

I guess this is my balance. I’ve been on the other end of this spectrum for so long, it had to return to me, eventually.

Karma.

I’ve been using these girls. Unintentionally. I don’t know how to stop. The moment I feel some sort of security & comfort with one of them, it always ends up cycling through the same pattern. A predictable series of events.

They attach.

We try.

- I mimic all forms of basic human intimacy & emotion: simulated through narcissistic & sociopathic traits deep within my being. Lack of conscious control and awareness. Mindless. Empty. Meaningless.

I detach.

They hurt.

I project all of my insecure reflections so unstably, I don’t even consciously notice it anymore. Effortlessly acted upon without warning or reason - preluding detachment.

Unconsciously incompetent: blindly hurting everyone along the way to your own carefully orchestrated demise. Hurt people hurt people, right?

Maybe I’m just superficial. A narcissist. Incapable of actually being real or manifesting faucets that are. I’ve been fucking lying to myself. & everyone else. I don’t even have an outlet to express myself anymore. I’m struggling to accept this block.

Everything’s slowly being taken away from me.

& for the most part - I really deserve it.

I hate writing. I hate writing. I really hate writing. Solidifying the moment with articulative thought. Only for it to cease to have any relevance as the moments pass.

I never use to be like this.

I never use to hold such doubt & genuine loathing unto myself - I’m so insecure. & it shows.

Everyone sees.

Everyone knows - but they will never understand. & I wish they’d never understand.

We all speak out about how our situations affect us, and in your experience: you’re the centre of attention. The hero. The villain.

The victim.

Sometimes I wish I knew the answers. & the questions that I genuinely need to ask - instead of opening myself to every single person I meet only for them to exploit my weaknesses. Over & over & over again.

I still feel so young & naive.

I fucking miss my mom.

I fucking miss being able to confidently move through life. To have confidence in my thoughts. & words. & actions. & decisions.

I fucking miss being able to let go & be the rawest form of myself without feeling vulnerable & uncomfortably anxious. & how much I was able to embrace the essence of my character - someone I was so proud of & willing to be.

I fucking miss everything that I failed to appreciate in the moment - how much I’ve taken for granted. How much I didn’t know I had to lose.

I’m too weak to fix all the faults I’ve allowed myself to bare. All the silent suffering I’ve allowed myself to endure - just to blatantly lie to everyone & have them believe that I’m somewhat okay. Somewhat still there.

I’m not okay.

I’m far from okay.

I’m far from responsible.

I’m so far from being stable.

I’m so far from really being myself.

I’m so okay with ending it here.

Everybody doesn’t seem to agree.

Apparently I still have so many things to live for.. so much potential. So much promise.

I don’t feel as important as everyone makes me out to be. I’ve been existing for everybody else’s closure - for their sanity. For their own personal gain. Used. Used. Used. & I guess I’m okay with that.

Selfish.

Selfless.

I don’t know who I am anymore.