#listen its like one of my default expressions

[th3-c0rps3-r0gu3]

Arranged marriage

Chapter three

Royal au

Princess Natasha X queen autistic reader

Warnings: Natasha being a bitch. Natasha being jealous. Woman flirting with y/n. Swearing (minor) lemme know if there anymore. Natasha getting feelings? Oblivious y/n

Natasha pov

I want to rip out my eyes. Why on earth am I here. This is so stupid. Riding in a carriage with this idiot queen. Those are my first thoughts as I stare angrily out the window of the carriage me and queen y/n are sitting in. Said queen is hiding from the crowds of people outside the carriage. She's so backwards. Never wanting too many people around and only tolerating socialisation for a specific time frame before vanishing for sometimes days. In my opinion she's not fit to be a queen.

Fresh air finally. I think to myself as me and the idiot behind me climb out the carriage into the town square. People have crowded near the carriage. Ofcourse they have. Their "queen" is here. I grumble slightly as the guards help down y/n. Gods she can't even get out a carriage by herself what a useless idiot. I don't know why but my thoughts of rage and hatred have increased towards y/n. Perhaps it's to make up for the fact she's cute and her hands are soft and she really nice. Like right now with how she's thanking the guard who helped her over and over like the absolute sweetheart she is. What. No. Absolutely not. Y/n is a idiot on the throne and I will murder her. I don't find her cute I don't find her sweet and Queen y/n is not a sweetheart.

There's a wyvern on that houses roof. I wonder if y/n will notice it and rant about its species. I already know it's a wyvern because y/n said earl- why am I thinking that. It's just an idiot dragon. And boom y/n has seen it. She's ranting again. Gods I hate it. What on earth is a blood bellied wyvern and why does it matter. That dragon was black not red. I hate cobblestone too now that I think about it. My heels keep threatening to buckle beneath me. Good thing I'm an absolute goddess and can walk in heels anywhere.

Y/n pov

The carriage ride to the town square was quiet. I didn't want to interrupt Natasha too much. And if I spoke even a word I'm pretty sure she'd tell me to shut it anyway. Besides looking out the window was fun. I saw so many different dragons. I wish I could've been able to get a proper look so I could see what species they are. There's so many people outside watching the carriage though. I should've held this off until my social battery filled again. I am going to hate this trip. I really should stop letting Natasha's parents coerce me into stuff.

Finally the carriage stops and the doors open and fresh air hits me like a train. I go to step out but a guard offers me a hand. I have told them to stop doing that. They really should listen I can get out of my own carriage. But I accept his help not wanting him to feel foolish. The cobblestone streets are filled with people and horses and carriages. I like the town. Aside from the bustling people and market stalls scattered around the town square it's a nice break from the palace. A nice break from being a queen. Princess Natasha is scowling. Like always. I am pretty sure it's her default expression.

Me and the princess have walk a little now. Passed a stall selling dragon egg remains. I don't like those stalls. They often steal and break dragon eggs to get the product. I shudder slightly. Natasha hasn't been paying any attention. She's been grumbling about idiots and cobblestone. She wore heels so I guess that's why. Should've worn flat shoes like me. I did tell her so. I look up at the houses around us and.. no way. A blood bellied wyvern right there on the rooftop of a civilian house. They only come down this way in the winter! I've never seen one before aside from in books.

My mouth is running again. I never know why I do this. But I excuse myself mentally this time since I've never witnessed this dragon before. Their scales are reflective of their blood colour which is why they're called blood bellied wyverns. Well the belly part is because you see the actual veins and blood but still. I haven't had a single interruption from Natasha yet. She's just walking silently beside me as I rant. I slow down and pause looking at the queen feeling a bit bad now. I must've pissed her off in some way again.

"are you ok princess?"

I ask hesitantly. I don't like the way Natasha has paused. She's staring at me funny and I'm prepared for her to scowl and scream at me. She huffs instead.

"I'm fine just keep walking."

I blink surprised as Natasha keeps walking and I speed up to catch up to her.

Natasha pov

She's still ranting. Something about the wyverns scales reflecting their blood colour.. oh that's why it's called whatever it was. I can't help but steal glances at y/n. She's so annoying. So very annoying. And absolutely perfect at the exact same time. No. I won't go down that rabbit hole. I am not stupid. Falling in love is for pitiful useless peasants. Not royalty. Why does my heart not agree with my head. It's stupid. I'll fix it.

"are you ok princess?"

Y/n's voice stops me. That's not about dragons. I glance down at her attempting a scowl but I can't respond. She's looking at me with wide y/e/c eyes and I can't help but find her expression adorable. No. No no no no no. She's not adorable and she's not cute. I huff slightly shaking away all those intrusive thoughts

"I'm fine just keep walking"

I scowl again as I pick up pace once more. Y/n speeding up to get back to my side. She's so small. Like a puppy. No. Absolutely not. Puppies and y/n have nothing in common. I'll kill her. And I won't feel bad about it and I won't regret it. Everything will be fine. I go to yell at y/n as per normal but she's not by me anymore. I glance around and.. there. By a stall selling books and scrolls. I stand and watch her annoyed. Ofcourse she'd stop to look at scrolls and books. And judging by her expression it's dragon bullshit again. The woman serving her is leaning over the counter and talking to y/n about different species. That grin on the merchants face. That's not a friendly grin...

It's been ten minutes and y/n has not stopped talking to the merchant. She's bought atleast three books and five scrolls. And that merchant is clearly flirting with y/n. Doesn't she know the queen is engaged. To me no less. Why is this bothering me. I mean I should be annoyed it's taking so long that's normal but why am I pissed that the queen is being flirted with. Why does it irritate me more than the books. I want to tear that merchant's eyes out and turn them into a necklace for y/n to wear and I don't know why.

She touched her arm. That merchant touched y/n's arm. And I don't like it. Rage hits me like a brick. That bitch can't touch what's mine. There is a clear engagement ring on the queen's finger and it's public knowledge that y/n is betrothed to me. I storm over absolutely enraged at this pathetic sellers attempt to steal MY y/n. Swiftly wrapping an arm around y/ns waist I glare down my nose at this merchant. Watching in sick satisfaction as she backs up scared. Good to know she recognises me.

"back the fuck away from my fiancee."

I snarl. Pulling y/n closer to me. She's so small and she's looking at me shocked. I'll deal with it later. That merchant gets the hint and backs up mumbling apologies and handing y/n her books. I grab them and pull the queen with me away and back towards the carriage. I don't y/n until we are both in the carriage and leaving.

Y/n pov

I saw a dragons scroll and books stall. That looked fun so I told Natasha I was looking at it and went over. I haven't seen this stall before and it has so many books and scrolls. Most I already own but a few I don't! I immediately purchase the scrolls and books I don't have. It would be foolish if I didn't. A waste. Besides I'm the queen I can do as I please. The merchant running the stall is wonderful too. She's really friendly. Immediately we are in conversation about gilded bronze dragons and their subspecies. I haven't met a single other person who could talk dragons with me.

Don't recognise the touch at first. The seller just put her hand on my arm and smirked at me. I blink and smile back not really knowing what's happening before I'm grabbed into someone and the merchant is backing away. I frown wanting to continue talking about dragons and books still. I glance at the person who grabbed me prepared to tell them off for grabbing me politely because yelling at people is Soo mean and I don't have the heart until I realise the person who grabbed me is princess Natasha romanoff.

"back the fuck away from my fiancee."

Natasha scowls at the merchant as she pulls me closer. I didn't realise how much taller the princess was compared to me. Jesus Christ am I actually that short. I blink slightly and glance around trying to gouge out if this is normal or weird and nope this is definitely weird the townspeople are looking at us funny. I'm about to speak until Natasha grabs my books and scrolls and begins dragging me back to the carriage. I don't even argue with her I'm in a state of shock. I never thought I'd see the day Natasha would get... Jealous?

A/n: I am sorry this is so late I didn't like the ending originally and rewrote it like three times so I haven't been on much but I've started chapter four and I will go back to normal posting again I promise.

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[sea-jello]

i keep imagining spinjitzu brothers wu doing this face and its so fucking funny to me

[bmpmp3]

IA 2.0 voisona test with a short version of drag on dragoon's ending B song tsukiru/exhausted :) now i can hear Lia's beautiful dulcet tones sing scary scary songs

[selya711-twiste]

i'll take that, it's mine now

Rollo Flamme x reader You take his handkerchief from him.

ignoring my friend's request so that rollo would be my first post god bless. heads up that all my following works default to gender neutral y/n unless the request says otherwise. yuu is a shithead here btw. maybe some tsundere rollo is ok. is this called pining btw

It's the second day of your trip to the city of flowers. The events that transpired the previous day all feel like a fever dream. You try to recall a scene from the festival, but all of a sudden your memories blur in together with the flickering reds and yellows of those flowers that spread like wildfire. Like an actual fever, you feel like you're overheating from dwelling on these thoughts for too long.

"Are you still listening?" Rollo speaks up a little louder, getting you out of your haze. You nod your head in response, but he's already caught on to your attention being elsewhere. "As I was saying…" He pauses for a moment as your eyes return to him. You sincerely tried to avoid conversations with the other Night Raven students as much as possible until noon. All that effort would go to waste now if Rollo Flamme of all people were to notice.

He was the one behind everything, wasn't he?

You don't have any magic (which is why you assume he's interested in you at all) so there must be some other way to get back at him. A small act done out of spite, something you can do... something to get on his nerves...

Rollo has yet to notice the shift in your expression when he brings out his handkerchief. Your eyes sparkle at the familiar purple cloth adorned with golden celestial shapes. Right before he could carry on with whatever he was talking about to you, your hand darts out and snatches it from him. It didn't even have the chance to touch his lips yet but now you have his handkerchief in your clutches. "I… What?" Rollo stares at you completely dumbfounded, at the sheer audacity-

You send him off with the most mischievous smile you could muster and turn around to flee. The image of his deer-in-the-headlights expression completely burns itself into your mind. You must admit you did this completely on impulse because now you have to deal with the prospect of returning it. Who knows what he could do to you over a handkerchief considering he set the city on fire.

You debate with yourself whether you should turn around or not to check if he's after you. As soon as you do, he's still standing there shocked at what you just did. His hand hasn't even moved from its original position. Your laugh echoes down the hallway as you continue to get away and your heart races with excitement. It's not long before you finally reunite with your schoolmates who ask you where you've been. The handkerchief is tucked neatly into your pocket. You reply innocently that Rollo talked with you for a moment while you were sweating bullets.

You spend the afternoon with your schoolmates and explore what the City of Flowers has to offer past the festival. The whole time, however, you feel holes being bored into your back.

"Hey, you good?" Your good friend Deuce places a hand on your shoulder. Fortunately, his voice was a bit hushed, so you don't have to worry about everyone else worrying over you. You reply as soon as you could but you don't let him know why you were distracted in the first place. Rollo is standing there at the other end of the street with other Noble Bell College students, his sharp gaze locked on yours. A million thoughts race through your head about how this encounter would go. Maybe Rollo will walk over towards you with your friends to ask for his handkerchief back, but that means facing everyone who confronted him the previous night.

Speak of the devil, you thought to yourself when Rollo takes a step forward after excusing himself from his companions. Fortunately, Grim tugs on your pants with his little paw to get you going. Your friends are already leaving to go to another area. Once again, he watches you go with his beloved fabric in your pocket.

Would the others notice that he hasn't brought out his handkerchief since lunch yet?

Just to rub some salt in the wound, you face him one last time to stick your tongue out.

He glares at you like his vein could burst at any moment.

...

You spent much of your afternoon revisiting shopkeepers you met yesterday and finding new stalls that you missed during the festival. Professor Trein passed by at some point to check on your group and was glad to see everyone immersed in the city's culture. You have completely forgotten about the "souvenir" in your pocket. Hours pass until the familiar chime of the Bell of Salvation rings throughout the city.

The sun has already set. The orange-red hue of the sky is gone and drifting into a softer lavender. It won't be long before it's completely dark. It's about to be dinner soon and you have already returned to Noble Bell's campus. The others tell you not to get lost when you slink out of the group to find a restroom.

That soft light seeps through the windows of the hallway. It's exactly at this moment that you remember the item in your pocket as this was where you and Rollo left off earlier. All the other students are clamoring in the main hall and you can hear it from where you're standing.

If it was possible, maybe he could forget about what you did to him today. It's soft in your hand as you take it out and lean against the stone wall.

You've grown accustomed to being seen as beneath all of your peers because of your inability to cast magic. You were mocked and cast aside here and there, and it was only a few months into the academic year when Grim would start defending you.

Rollo was the first one to express concern over your predicament. You remember vividly how you two first met, down to the way the palm of his hand felt when he shook yours... but the chaos that followed not long after ruins the memory a little.

A mage that scorned other mages over the use of magic was definitely new, and you're going to have to add this to your long list of experiences in this world you weren't born in. Compared to the others you have spent most of the academic year with up until this point, you only just met Rollo when everything went downhill in a day. You're curious about the warmth and coldness in your heart happening simultaneously as you thought deeply about him.

Maybe at another time, the crimson flowers never bloomed and the party would have gone on like normal. You two could have gotten to know each other better otherwise and shared a much more comfortable dance. The novelty of having someone new in your life whether he was a friend or foe will wear off soon enough, and maybe none of this would ever be spoken about again...

...Yet when you think about the possibility that you two almost never met, something in you stills. You absent-mindedly press the handkerchief to your lips the same way he would as a way to comfort yourself. Sure, he hurt your friends, but it's not like your friends haven't been constantly at each other's throats either. This isn't exactly new to you and there's even something funny about the absurdity of it all. Maybe you really have gone mad.

You tap into your inner middle schooler with a crush and hope you could keep this forever after that indirect kiss warmed you up a bit, but you're careless.

"You really thought you could escape me?" A mocking voice gets you out of your head as a strong presence stands right in front of you.

A choked noise comes out of your throat and you immediately pull your hands away from your mouth, desperately hoping he didn't see what you were doing just now. Your eyes have nowhere to go but toward his gaze, and it feels like you just dug your grave deeper. When did he get here? You ask yourself that as if you weren't yearning to see him again just now.

Even if you wanted to say anything, let alone his name, it doesn't seem like coherence is an option.

"Now hand it over. You shouldn't be stealing what doesn't belong to you." Did he really need to be this close? You clutch the handkerchief a bit more strongly and he catches onto your knuckles turning white from the force you're gripping it with.

It feels like the fever you woke up with was returning, along with all the sirens blaring in your head to actually move already. You still have a chance to run and keep this game going for longer, but you can't help but succumb to him. Being in front of Rollo like this combined with the silhouette his uniform gives him makes you feel so small.

"Give."

That was definitely a command, and his voice was firm. But when you look at him, he doesn't seem too mad at you, his grimace from this afternoon aside. Your heart skips a beat from how focused he is on you, but a part of you reasons that he merely wants his personal belonging back. You don't break eye contact with him even as he places a hand out in front of you, waiting for his handkerchief to be placed on it.

Instead of doing what he wants, you scoff and unfold it right in front of him. You haven't lost yet. There's still something you can do, and you have to do it fast before someone walks in on you two. You steel your nerves and finally speak.

"Why should I? I want to keep it as a memento of my time here."

Before he could retort, you wrap it around his neck and pull him closer to you. Rollo looks at you with his mouth agape. Once again, you have him absolutely mesmerized (or appalled) with your boldness. You're starting to become obsessed with getting on his nerves. It's fortunate that he didn't see what you were doing with his handkerchief because now you're intent on giving him the real thing.

You don't know how much he's thought of you today since yesterday, and this is the closest he's gotten to you the way he's always wanted, more than when you two waltzed together.

It's as though you're leaning in for a kiss, but Rollo is too staggered to respond to that like it was one. He hasn't moved at all.

I want to keep you in my pocket next, you don't say out loud, but he could feel the possessiveness in your actions all the same.

Your lips barely brush against his when you immediately pull away instead of what you initially planned to do. The last thing he sees is your light-hearted grin when you pull his hat down and shove it to his face. A perfect distraction for you to slink away. Rollo finally stands back and gasps at what just happened while you're already escaping once again. He hurriedly fixes himself and pulls the loose handkerchief away from his neck. You can see in the low light that the tip of his ears has become a shade of pink along with his cheeks, even if he was peeved.

"See you during dinner, Rollo!" You wave and turn to walk away from the man who was still standing there absolutely flabbergasted.

He'll certainly have a lot to say the next time you two find each other alone. Maybe when that happens, you'll actually kiss him.

Rollo is looking forward to that as well, though hopefully, you're not going to forget that your action today warrants punishment...

[pastadoughie]

i love when i tell people 2 think critically abt shit and then they make a response where they dont and are misinterpreting me and ignoring half the shit i said, and then i explain the issue again and my issues with theyr response and then they continue to misenterpret me and literally ignore entire paragraphs of my response, and act like im attacking them for giving like, the most polite critisism ever

"i love being able to mute posts" sorry that i reblogged you once and calmly explained my points im sure your notifs must be just such a mess, me saying my opinions is clearly attacking you, you being completely unwilling to engadge with my critisism of your ideas totally doesnt prove my point at all, me saying that people should engadge with experiences other then their own and that sexism is bad is me "projecting my damage onto others" and not just a normal opinion, you are always right by default and if somebody points out a flaw in your ideas thats because they are attacking you and you dont need to listen to that ever

listen, if someone is pointing out a way that sexism presents and you see yourself inhibiting those behaviors maybe your gut response shouldnt be to try and argue that that brand of sexism is reasonable actually

me saying that having a bias against men is misandry is not me "assuming everybody thinks the same way as me" that is the definition of misandry, that is WHAT THAT WORD MEANS!!! you having a different justification for misandry doesnt make it not misandry i am begging people on tumblr to learn what words mean

you acting like im attacking you and harrassing you for expressing an opinion in a polite way is just a way for you to justify throwing away my opinion and not self reflecting, that is not productive discourse, you do not care about bettering yourself as a person or examining your beliefs at all, you want to be "the correct one" in an arguement

its immature and stupid, you want to look like youre smart and better at reading comprehension then everybody else, and that you never believe anything wrong or bad but you lack any of those qualities, its trying to imitate the look of a debate without any of the critical thinking skills or reading comprehension

[circeyoru]

[Question for the Collector Series]

Does anyone, aside from Trick, from the heaven embassy like the Elders and the Seraphims know of our existence?

Does Seraphim Sera or Seraphim Emily know of our existence?

(obviously) This is for {Collection of Overlords}, check MASTERLIST for the work

Okay, good question and this can actually go both ways. So I’ll answer that first. As a whole, both Heaven and Hell are not aware of the opposite’s True Ruler/Supreme Being, Trick/Noir or Collector/you respectively.

Now I say that in the sense that its realm residents, so angels for Heaven and demons for Hell, don’t know what you and Trick are or the truth of what you are in the world/universe/etc. Obviously, the elders and angels in Heaven listen to Trick’s words through ‘divine messages’ or go along with what Trick has arranged through ‘divine intervention’. Then for you, you have your thing of being involved but not at the same time. 

However, it’s the basic realm residents that have absolutely no idea who or what you and Trick are, they don’t even know you two exist. As for the higher ranks of both sides, it’s different and how my answer is what it is in the beginning. Let’s break it down.

To what degree do Heaven’s higher-ups know about Trick?

A weak degree in simple terms. 

See, Trick is not like you, they don’t and didn’t make themselves know to anyone outside of you. While they the Heaven’s higher-ups that there is a god, Trick is most certainly not one. Noir played the role of god in the eyes of Heaven and Earth because it felt like the right thing to do with their powers over light and holy elements in contrast to yours. While Noir played that role, they still never made themselves known.

If we’re going with what was revealed in the show, or canon, there are the Elders, Seraphim, Exorcists, Angels (human souls that died and judged to be in Heaven), and Heaven borns (not sure if they are called angels or not, but there’s also the Cherubs from Helluva Boss’ canon). 

What about you? (explained with Trick)

⇒ Elders (incorrectly) know that there is a higher power than them. Trick’s existence is a guess but a wrong one since they view Trick as the ‘god’ of the universe. By default, they don’t even think that there’s a possibility of someone on equal or greater footing than their so-called god. So yeah, the elders don’t know about you nor do they guess that there’s someone like Trick in Hell. Since Trick is (in their minds) THE god of the world.

⇒ Seraphim. Now, there are 2 that we know of; Sera and Emily. 

So Sera is a no-brainer, no knowledge or guess to your existence. In terms of Trick though, she follows the Elders’ incorrect view but magitize it to seeing everything that’s unexplainable to be a ‘divine message’ or ‘divine intervention’ like needing guidance from the one above or to be shown that she has done something wrong. For example, when Sir Pentious appeared, Sera’s expression is that of shock and disbelief in a sense that she can’t understand why redemption was allowed for Sinners. Sera is more focused on doing right and just to please her god, so she also doesn’t see a being higher or equal to god, naturally you’re non-existent to her.

In Emily’s case, while she too follows the Elders’ teachings, she doesn’t stress it all too much because she is the one that brings happiness, so she can’t stress too much on it. In her view, as long as she is doing right, she’s fine. BUT! She does feel watched from time to time, she does ask Sera and the Elders about it, though it’s not the answer she wanted. They tell her that she was under the watchful eyes of god (when in reality it is Trick watching her and she feels it), it shows that her place in Heaven is secure and protected even though she isn’t as important. It’s after the end of Season 1 that Trick disguises themselves as a weaker resident of Heaven to talk with Emily. Trick does see potential in her that is missing from the others and is mimicking what you’re doing in Hell, just more focused on one individual. All in all, Emily has no knowledge or speculation of your existence.

⇒ Exorcists. Straight answer. No knowledge at all. Even when they have been to Hell to kill Sinners. That includes Adam, Lute, and Vaggie (formerly). You purely hide yourself even in Hell, you think they’d know?

Adam, even though he’s the first man, never even saw a or the god that the Heaven Elders and Sera are so obsessed over, so he doesn’t believe it no matter how many times they tell him. In his mind, if this god is so great, why did Lilith left him or why did Eve leave him too or maybe why did an Angel like Lucifer even get the freedom to rebel?

For Lute, she could care less, mainly because this god or divine being was never around nor was she punished for her actions. I mean, where’s the divine punishment when she cut Vaggie’s wings off and left her in Hell? She made the conclusion that she just needs to act like she cares in front of the higher-ups.

Other exorcists? Yeah, they don’t care much too. For all of them, when they don’t even care for Trick’s presence, yours is not even in their mind.

⇒ Angels. I mean this in the sense that they are the human souls that were allowed into Heaven after their death. This answer may surprise you. Some would guess your presence, specifically those that doesn’t believe in that one god. It’s the mindset of “if there’s a god of Heaven, then there’s a god of Hell since Heaven already exists”. They just never voice it out because Heaven is strict on rules and to talk about Hell’s ruler is like a major taboo. They just mostly stay within their lives and boundary, not caring about the bigger picture.

⇒ Heaven borns. Err… Not sure if this is even right. But if you watch Helluva Boss, you’d know what I’m referring to. The Cherbubs protects humans, it’s like a service provided, think guardian angels from in animal form. Granted that they go to Earth and interact with humans, somewhat. However, they are heavily strict on the rules as well and on top of that, focused on their work. Similar to Angels, they don’t see the bigger picture of concerns like god or whatnot. I mean, Hell’s not even on their mind, so yeah, they have no knowledge or even speculation of your existence.

[fictionfixations]

wasnt planning on making a post but im doing it now so uh

helluva boss the full moon episode (i dont remember which one it was. s2 ep8?? i think? idk)

(i just realized i said 'hazbin hotel' my bad. if i make a mistake like that uhh oops)

and yall are stolas defenders so im gonna talk about blitz (dont get me wrong i love both of them)

let me talk about it

(i dont know if i make any sense so oops)

notice how during stolas' proposal basically (cant help but see the gem as like a wedding ring ngl) blitz's eyes are shining because he cant help but hope

and then when he goes 'ohh youre just fucking with me right? this is some roleplay shit right?'

because its so incomprehensible in his mind that this is what he truly thinks it is.

anyway people have explained before about how stolas then proceeds to shut him out like being faced with blitz being in denial about it and taking it as a rejection

meanwhile blitz is like 'wait a second you were SERIOUS?'

and then hes like 'wAIT' because hes trying to understand. to comprehend that stolas was being real about it. that someone wants him. but then he doesnt have the time to think about it because stolas is leaving and he doesnt want stolas to leave

and yknow how blitz is hes kind of an asshole so then he defaults to being angry and frustrated. (i wonder if he feels like he'll only be heard by being angry and yelling. or if by being angry, by shutting people out and being the one to break it off makes blitz feel more in control. anyway-)

no but listen before this hes like 'what the fuck?' stolas leaves, blitz follows him in silence still in that confused and hella surprised state because it was so unexpected while stolas' talking about stuff

hes silent for awhile (probably trying to make sense of it while half-listening)

and then stolas is like 'thats enough to know what this is' and THEN blitz gets all angry and yelling

and inside hes just like. ..thats it? but its like. stolas is going to leave. and he doesnt want him to go. but he also doesnt know how to express that (especially with stolas having completely shut him out at this point in his own feeling, so set in the rejection without realizing that blitz hadnt actually rejected it. had been in disbelief instead of an actual no. and i get why he didnt stay to continue the conversation it just. sucks. so bad.)

("Can I get a fucking minute to think" got stuck in my head) and then blitz gets angry and blames stolas because thats whose infront of him. someone he can yell at and get angry which is so much easier then trying to decipher his feelings, or stolas' feelings. to try to understand. to be vulnerable especially in front of someone who he may like but its also complicated considering the power imbalance, or how all royals are asses so surely stolas cant be different, how its just a transactional relationship and nothing serious.

hes also saying things he doesnt necessarily mean meanwhile stolas is taking it to heart like 'this is how he really feels about me' when that isnt true (blitz is kind of just making excuses. and instead of being 'set free' as it might seem to stolas, it seems to him like stolas is just. throwing him away. getting bored of him. hes ignoring the love confession stolas just says 'i want you' PLEASE be more blunt about it oh my god theres so many wordings that i have an issue with from stolas im going to be honest.

like LISTEn he goes 'i want you'. blitz is in denial. stolas then starts to acceptance/resignment and blitz is like 'wait a fucking second'

so blitz who thought they were going to have a sexy time. suddenly gets hit with feelings out of the blue. and he doesnt do good with those. and its so incomprehensible that he doesnt believe it. and then basically stolas rejects him right after with blitz realizing 'wait you were serious?' and then gets angry like 'what? no, it can't be over. ..well fuck YOU then!' like. he kind of feels betrayed? like 'how dare you spring this feelings bullshit on me (and then LEAVE)'

also is he projecting? has he experienced something??? and i really dont think hes had the chance to properly process so he's just shoving it aside and focusing on the then and now. which is stolas leaving and dismissing him which blitz takes offence to and accuses him of being like all the other royal assholes. because he doesnt know how else to communicate. this is not to say that he isnt an asshole because he is, but id like to say that theres reasons to all of it.

ALSO ALSO. i think its less that blitz believes stolas to be like that but (besides reasoning to himself that stolas is just like all the others so he can distance himself and cut ties even if it hurts) that its because thats the position stolas has and so its what he turns to for insults. i had more to say about this part but i already forgot, oops.

and ive seen people talk about this too but stolas conversing through words while blitz converses through feelings. so its like for blitz youre not meant to listen to what hes saying but to listen to the feeling? meanwhile stolas being through words (thus probably feeling like 'i want you' is explanation enough while blitz needs more clarification then that)

and potentially with stolas being all horny around him cause haha my crush is here and hes hot and i love him and aaah making blitz think stolas just wants him because of what he can offer? (and maybe if hes never faced love that its unrecognizable? especially towards him?) a thought to go onto another time

also another thought to go down. you think after blitz realizes hes serious that hes trying to coomunicate. with the 'can i get a FUCKING moment to think'

and then his mouth goes on autopilot and starts insulting him trying to stall trying to get him to stay even if its with hurtful words because thats what hes used to thats what he does (also defaulting to anger)

just like yelling at him trying to get stolas to just stop walking. to stop turning his back on him.

and hes just running on anger at that point because he didnt get too long to process that stolas was serious so a part of him still thinks that its just. not real? and hes running off of that because again its so much easier than being vulnerable with someone

blitz has. probably been very trustful of someone, only for them to betray him and hurt him and use him so ahdishfu

also probably blitz's attempt at trying to get them to actually communicate

to get him to stop. stand still. stop leaving. stop moving. just turn around, face him, and talk. to get all their feelings out and explain. to clarify.

maybe he even wants stolas to get angry because that's what he's used to. wants him to get angry so they can get it all out there. maybe wants a part of him to feel vindicated of 'he was right, stolas was an asshole', the part of him that doesnt want to be close to anyone in fear of being hurt

..and then stolas doesn't react how blitz expects him to. (because they DONT understand each other at all! they don't interact all that much outside of sex, and stolas offering it to blitz is rejected)

blitz realizing 'wait... shit...' to wheres hes immediately brought out of his anger by stolas' words

'goodbye'

also it almost sounds like blitz is saying 'Stolas, wait I'm s-' as in 'im sorry'

realizing it wasnt going as he expected it to. that stolas really was serious. that stolas was hurt. that stolas was going to actually leave and blitz. doesnt. want that to happen. so then he. tries.

and then goes 'what the fuck' when he appears outside

and honestly sometimes a lot of relationships need space from each other to realize who they are without them. and also to realize how much they care about the other, yknow? to understand their feelings without anything else complicated thrown into the mix.

listen: blitz could go back into complete denial like 'no fuck stolas actually-'. realize he misses stolas, actually.

cause i feel like he really did try at the end only to get shut out (its a really complicated situation because ive also seen people talk about how blitz yelling could remind stolas of stella(?) i think the person he divorced)

and it could be seen as rejection of him trying to do feelings talk. which he could double down on his 'no one can love you, itll only bring you hurt' idea, or bringing other people hurt (as in his mother's death or fizz getting hurt)

but i feel like he also needs time to just realize things. to think things through instead of being faced with immediately having to respond because theyre talking face to face. immediately having to respond because stolas is leaving and if he doesnt say anything then that'll be it.

its complicated. honestly, though. i feel like its for the better for them to have this break. to rebuild their life without the transactional relationship. i just wonder how they'll get back together (daughter plotting time? maybe?)

i wonder if hell has therapy. (...but also. what if the therapists were corrupt and didnt hold any form of patient privacy???)

hh

anyway i dont know if i made sense. ive just had these thoughts stuck in my head so ive just been spewing out all the ones related to this so i could stop thinking about it

a;sp a;sp o hjavej oirhfrj

holyfuck ok

also also i have more to add

okay so you know stolas' line of 'you have no obligation to touch me or to bed me'

you know what that sounded like with loona having told blitz 'hes getting tired of you'

it sounded like stolas didnt want blitz to basically touch him anymore. which is probably blitz' interpretation of it and thus his anger of 'you think you can do this shit just because im an imp and youre a royal?' or whatever (hes not even touching the fact of the gem. its 'am i not good enough? i can do better!' because the book was the only reason in his mind why he could interact with stolas. and just. aghhh)

any more thoughts im shoving here in the future before i get more brainrot over this

[zikariogirl]

‘ 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲𝐝𝐨𝐥𝐥 ‘ — 𝐣𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐧-𝐬𝐞𝐨𝐤

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞,

𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠: ‘𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲𝐝𝐨𝐥𝐥’ 𝐛𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐢 𝐚𝐛𝐝𝐮𝐥

summary ┆ working at wusang was a dream come true for you. you had great friendships there and even began to develop feelings for a certain intern. but things started to change — big reveals left you shocked, and instead of running away you felt yourself become more captivated by him. . . and he seems to notice you as well. nothing in this world really matters to jang han-seok, but you? he will burn the whole world for you.

key: bold = english

warnings┆swearing, violence, the usual crazy things involving han-seok

You were inside the bathroom, trying to control your breathing and calming yourself down before you had to face Joon-woo.

Or actually — Jang Han-seok. Joon-woo was never his name.

You looked like a mess as you examined yourself in the mirror. You were crying for the past ten minutes and could not stop. Your make up was ruined and your eyes were starting to get puffy, your hair was also disheveled from all the times you were running your hands through it. This definitely felt worse compared to when Han-seok was talking to you about his crush.

The sound of the door opening made you whirl your head, your eyes landing on Ms. Choi who seemed unimpressed when she checked you over. “Are you done sulking?”

You wiped the tears away with a paper towel, feeling embarrassed that she caught you like this. “Just five more minutes.”

You knew she wanted to say a snarky comment, but for some odd reason, she held back. She had a look of displeasure — making it well known that she would much rather do something else than babysit you in a bathroom. You expected her to leave but much to your surprise she stayed, and you wondered why. A part of you wonders if Han-seok sent her to check up on you, but the other half doubts he even cares anymore.

Once you successfully collected yourself and fixed your look, you followed Ms. Choi out of the bathroom, the unsettling feeling of dread making its return to you. Han-seok was standing by Mr. Han and the ex-Chairman, Han-seo, while speaking about a situation, but the moment his eyes landed on you he was quick to shut up and order everyone to leave.

Oh god you did not want to be left alone with him.

“Why did you walk out like that?” He frowned while reaching for your hand, but you instantly flinched away, making his frown deepen. “What’s going on?”

“You’re really asking me that? After what just happened back in the conference room?”

He genuinely seemed surprised. “Wait, did that upset you? Really?”

“You’re ridiculous,” you let out a dry laugh as you shook your head. “I don’t know what to say or where to begin. Was any of it even real to you? Our friendship? The great times we had working together and going out as friends? Did any of that matter to you?”

“Of course it mattered, and it still will,” he was quick to answer, a serious expression falling on his features. “______, just because I’m Han-seok and not Joon-woo does not mean I don’t care about you. You’re still really important to me.”

“You don’t have to lie to me okay? It’s fine if you don–”

“I’m not lying to you,” he was quick to interrupt you before he pulled you in for a hug. “You mean a lot to me. I’m sorry if it feels like I was leading you on by lying about my identity. I had to keep it a secret. Mr. Han and Ms. Choi had to find out by default because they’re working with me, but you? I wanted you to know as well. I didn’t want to hide it forever.

“And Mr. Han was pissing me off lately too, especially when he fucking disrespected you. He wouldn’t listen to me as Joon-woo, but now? I have power over him. No one, especially him, will ever disrespect you again. I hate watching people treat you like shit, it pisses me off.”

You swallowed at his words and sudden protectiveness, not even knowing where to begin. You were for sure not going to bring up the possibility of him liking you since you had zero courage to do so. His words sounded genuine, and it also fell down to the question of, what will he achieve if he continued to lie to you? It’s not like you’re someone important within the business.

Unless… he wants you to grab intel on the Jipuragi Law Firm since you tend to hang around there sometimes.

At the thought of that, you simply pushed him away and held your head low. “Give me time to process this.”

“_____–”

“Please… Han-seok.” The name felt so foreign to your tongue.

He let out a sigh. “Fine, but at least let me drive you home.”

And you let him, but the drive was only full of silence. Neither of you said a word and all you could do was stare out the window, not even bothering to look in his direction. He did try to talk to you at times but you never answered him, so eventually, he gave up and left you alone. The moment he pulled up in front of your apartment, you quickly rushed out of his car without looking back or saying goodbye.

You just needed time, and that’s what you gave yourself.

You didn’t want to lay off work but when Mr. Han offered to magically give you some vacation time, you didn’t hesitate in accepting it. You also distanced yourself from Cha-young since a part of you felt a bit guilty not telling her about Han-seok. But you also didn’t tell Han-seok that Cha-young and Vincenzo were on to him, so in the end, it was a win-win situation for both parties.

You did some self-healing for two weeks — ignoring texts and phone calls and only checking your phone every once a while. You were currently watching a documentary in your living room while wearing sweats and a sports bra when the sound of a knock made you freeze. Who the hell is visiting you? You wrapped your blanket around your body and ran towards the door, slowly opening it.

“Are you okay?!” Cha-young wasted no time in storming in and cupping your face. “I know you said you needed distance but you’ve been acting weird. What happened? I know something must’ve happened. Wait, was it Joon-woo? What did he do now?!”

Your heart fell at the mention of him. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

You were thankful she didn’t push, instead, she pulled out a pint of your favorite ice cream from a grocery bag you didn’t realize she was carrying. “Ice cream and chill?”

“Oh my god I love you.”

It was refreshing having her around again, and maybe that’s all you needed this whole time. Some quality time with a good friend to get your mind off of things. You two continued to watch the show while eating your ice cream and Cha-young decided to order take-out as well, making you ten times happier. There was a knock on the door and you immediately stood up — hungry for some food — but your eyes widened when they fell on Han-seok’s figure.

“Hey I just–”

SLAM.

Where was your blanket at? You frantically searched for it while Cha-young stood up with a confused expression on her face. The moment she opened the door and completely ignored your protests, you simply wanted to die since you were still not covered up.

“Oh! Cha-young, hi!” Han-seok waved at her with a smile before moving his eyes towards your direction. It’s like he finally took in your appearance of wearing sweats and a sports bra and he immediately turned around, apologizing profusely. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I am sorry.”

“Hold up!” You screamed and felt relief when you spotted your blanket and didn’t hesitate in wrapping it around your upper body. “Okay, you can come in.”

Han-seok nodded his head and began to step backwards into your apartment, but was stopped by Cha-young as she grabbed his collar and pulled him towards her. “Why are you here? HM?”

He blinked at her. “I was worried about _____ and wanted to see if she wanted some gimbap,” he explained while holding up a bag.

You do love some gimbap.

Cha-young continued to inspect him. “Why didn’t you check up on her earlier?”

“Because she wanted to be left alone.”

“So what? What if she needed help?”

“And where were you as well?”

Cha-young squinted her eyes at him while scrunching her nose. “Fair point,” she let him go before checking her watch when it pinged. “That stupid Vincenzo,” she quietly mumbled and hurriedly grabbed all of her belongings. “I have to go, I’m sorry. You and Joon-woo can enjoy the take-out. Bye!”

And with that she was gone. Han-seok turned to look at you as he placed the gimbap down. “Why was she here?”

His question made you feel defensive. “She came to cheer me up, same thing you’re doing right now.”

He only hummed in response as he plopped himself down on your couch. “Have you been okay?”

You didn’t answer him. You didn’t want him knowing that being apart from him has slowly been eating you alive, but you also wanted the feeling of satisfaction of seeing Han-seok’s reaction to you actually doing fine. But yet, you were quiet and unmoving, standing in the middle of the room as you began to space out. You heard him stand up and instead of walking away from him, you continued to stay in place while he placed his hands on your arms.

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

You didn’t mean to answer so quick, but you once again felt vulnerable under his gaze and presence. His features showed concern and a bit of sadness as he overlooked you quickly before letting out a deep sigh.

“Do you still think I don’t care about you?”

You didn’t respond, which lead to him tilting your chin up to look at him. “There’s only one person in this world that I truly care about, and it’s you. Your friendship means everything to me. You’ve been nothing but nice to me, even when the rest of the world treated me like shit as Joon-woo. You were so kind, caring, and always had my back. I know I lied about who I was and I’m sorry,” he grabbed your hands and gave them a light squeeze. “Just please, if you can’t forgive me now, then let me prove it to you. Let me show you that you are my number one favorite person.”

You were still feeling hesitant in trusting him, and all you could do was squint your eyes. “I hope you know I’m not going to serve as some spy for you and grab intel from the Jipuragi Law Firm.”

He chuckled. “I didn’t expect you to.”

You thought over his words, and the logical side of you was trying to warn you that trusting him was a bad idea. He was not a good person — seeing how Babel has Wusang covering up their illegal schemes. You should’ve turned around and cut off all communication with him, but the look he was giving you and the way he held onto your hands made you second guess yourself. Should you take the risk? Maybe he’s genuine and does care for you.

Either way, you decided to see where your friendship would lead to as you forgave him; something that made his face brighten with excitement.

And you did not regret it.

Because next thing you knew, you were back to working as his personal assistant. Although Han-seok displayed the same characteristics as his former persona, Joon-woo, he also held a more authoritative tone now — which was extremely attractive. Of course he only acted like that with the small group that knew of his real identity. He was still Lawyer Jang Joon-woo to the public but Chairman Jang Han-seok to you, Mr. Han, and Ms. Choi.

The two of you began to hang out more frequently, whether it was at his apartment or in public. It felt more… genuine now. Han-seok was more open towards you and it felt like something shifted between you two — unless if you were imagining it. As the days passed by, you both grew closer and closer, but you also noticed that you’ve been growing a bit distant with Cha-young as well. It fell on you both. She was busy getting as much information as she could with her case against Babel while you were too indulged in assisting Han-seok and growing more closer to him. The thought of losing Cha-young left a small pang in your chest.

And it was definitely going to hurt seeing her again today in court.

Today was the re-trial and you sat next to Mr. Han while Han-seok and Ms. Choi handled the case. Much to everyone’s surprise, Vincenzo showed up as a surprise witness, but what really settled the case was the fiasco between Director Gil and his wife. It was something straight out of a drama, and you watched in shock — your mouth hanging open — as the chaos unfolded in front of you.

You caught sight of Cha-young and she shot you a thumbs up, but all you could do was stare at her with wide eyes, especially when you felt Han-seok’s gaze on you.

After that horrific loss of a trial, you followed Han-seok outside with Mr. Han and Ms. Choi. His jaw was clenched and you could tell he was livid by the expression on his face as he hopped inside the driver’s seat.

“Get in.”

He didn’t have to repeat himself as the three of you scurried inside the car, with you riding shot gun. The moment Mr. Han shut the car door, Han-seok drove off at a high rate of speed, making your eyes widen in fear when you took notice of him going faster. He was swerving through cars without a care as he gripped the steering wheel.

“Do you know how much Babel will lose today?” He questioned your two superiors in the back. “Seven hundred-sixty million dollars! AH!”

His screaming made you flinch and your body began to shake as you tightly clutched onto the seatbelt.

“I’m already past two-hundred kilometers per hour. Should we jump over there to see what happens?”

“P-Please don’t.”

But Han-seok brushed off Mr. Han as he swerved the car again, causing all of you to move to the right.

“H-Han-seok please slow down,” you begged while you shut your eyes in fear. Thankfully, he seemed to have listened since you felt the car slow down just a tad bit, but he was still driving pretty recklessly and fast. You kept your eyes shut for the rest of the drive, not bothering to open them, but when you felt the car jerk a certain way before coming to a stop, you slowly opened them.

Confusion filled you when you realized you were no longer in the city but in what appears to be an industrial dirt field. You heard the sound of one of the doors in the back opening but Han-seok’s sudden loud voice made you jump.

“Stay! In! The car!”

“Uh uh, stay stay! Okay okay, I got it,” Hr. Han quickly closed the door behind him.

Han-seok turned to look at you with an evil look in his eyes. “Get out.”

You didn’t even want to question him as you hurriedly scampered out of the car and followed him back to the trunk.

“Boss? Boss?” Mr. Han called out as he rolled down the window. “Uhh, I will do my best, okay?”

The moment Han-seok pulled out a golf club, your eyes widened as you placed a hand on his arm. “No wait, what are you doing?”

“You’ll see.”

He brushed you off as he began to walk towards the car, when he suddenly began to hit the front windshield with so much force. You hid behind the car out of fear, not wanting to get in the way or possibly piss him off more. When he was done, he tossed the club away and opened the door from Mr. Han’s side.

“Get out.”

You didn’t know what to think. This was a whole new side of him you’ve never seen. Sure he’s become a little hostile and bossy since you found out about his true identity, but this? This was on a whole other crazy level.

“Am I dreaming? I’ve never lost twice in a row in my life. Ever,” he scoffed before turning around to face all of you. “This isn’t real. What is this, huh?”

Mr. Han was the first to respond. “Well it’s, um, well I’m… I’m so sorry. Um, it never occurred to me that they would bring Director Gil’s wife to testify against him. It’s never happened.”

“I underestimated them,” Ms. Choi was quick to interrupt, “and that gave them the element of surprise.”

“You would have been able to figure it out, if your methods weren’t so old-fashioned,” he glared at her while tossing the gloves at her chest. “You guys have zero creativity. It’s depressing. It really is.”

“We know,” Mr. Han agreed.

“It needs to change.”

“Yes,” he was quick to respond again. “Uh, I’ll put up a new committee in charge of creativity together.”

All Han-seok could do was chuckle at his words. “Are you kidding me? Creativity is something you’re born with and that bastard Cassano has too much of it!”

“About him, do you have any information about Mr. Cassano?” Ms. Choi questioned.

“He has a spotless record,” you spoke out without thinking, causing the three of them to look in your direction. “Too spotless for me in my opinion.”

Why are you talking? Shut up!

“Why do you say that?” Han-seok questioned.

All of their eyes on you was making you a bit nervous, and all you could do in response was shrug and look away, not wanting to put more input in the situation. You tuned out the group for a bit as they continued to discuss a solution but your thoughts were interrupted when Han-seok asked you to call for two cars: one for the two of you and one for Ms. Choi and Mr. Han.

They both apologized for the final time before getting inside one of the cars, and your eyes followed Han-seok as he opened up the passenger door for you.

“Are you going to drive like a maniac?” You questioned.

He sighed. “I had a long day. I’m not in the mood for this. Please get in.”

You did as he asked, not wanting to upset him any more than he already is. You were still a bit shocked at his sudden outburst from earlier, which made you avoid any form of eye contact when he got inside the car and began to drive off.

“I was thinking we could pick up something to eat and head back to my place. Sound okay?”

You silently nodded in response while keeping your gaze on the window, praying that he wouldn’t press on the gas like he did earlier. Han-seok, though, took notice of your silence and he was very much aware why you were acting like that, he wasn’t an idiot. Talking to you won’t do, so instead, he held your hand. The action caught you by surprise and you turned to look in his direction, but he seemed too focused on the road. It was a small but sweet gesture, something that told you he truly means no harm — to you at least. You squeezed his hand in return and remained quiet for the rest of the ride, only speaking when it came down to grabbing your order.

The two of you made it to his apartment in no time and just before you could sit down to eat, you felt him twirl you around so you could face him.

“I’m sorry,” he immediately apologized. “For being all manic like that. I can’t control my temper at times and you’re the last person who I want to put in harms way. If you’re afraid that I’ll hurt you… god I won’t. I could never do that.” He pulled you in for a hug as he held you close and buried his face in your neck. “I’m sorry babydoll.”

There was that nickname again. The same nickname that sends your heart into a frenzy.

You wrapped your arms around his neck while closing your eyes. “It’s fine… I can get used to it but your sudden outburst just caught me off guard.”

“Are you afraid of me?”

Were you afraid of him? Maybe a little. The rational side of you is telling you to run away and never look back, but your heart? Its telling you to stay. He may act vile towards his subordinates and brother, but he shows a more caring side to you. He’s never raised his voice at you once. He hasn’t bossed you around or demanded your assistance in anything. He’s been pretty calm and sweet, something you doubt anyone else has seen.

So the question stands again, are you afraid of him?

“No, I’m not,” you softly responded, and you could’ve sworn you felt him let out a deep sigh of relief. He pulled back just a bit so he could see you, and his eyes were fixated on your face for a good while. Neither of you dared to move, and without realizing, you both were slowly leaning in for a kiss.

Until his phone began to ring.

“Motherfucker,” his voice was low and dangerous as he hesitantly pulled away. “Let me take this.”

You watched him disappear into another room to take the call, but you were still trying to process what just happened. If it wasn’t for that phone call… you would’ve kissed. Your lips on his, his lips on yours. Kissing him. You were going to kiss Han-seok.

Cue your small inner celebratory dance.

Out of sheer coincidence, you felt your phone ping at an incoming text.

‘We’re going out for drinks tonight! Pleaseeee say you’ll come with us.’ You read Cha-young’s text, a small feeling of guilt overcoming you when you replied back, declining her offer. She was your best friend. The two of you were like sisters. You felt like a horrible person for choosing Han-seok over her, but at the same time, the selfishness within you told you that it’s okay. This is by far the closest you’ve gotten with Han-seok, and your almost kiss replayed once again in your head. Your cheeks were beginning to hurt from all the smiling you were doing, but you couldn’t help it.

Not wanting to leave Cha-young hanging without an explanation, you texted her and explained that Han-seok wanted to have a movie night. She understood, but demanded that next time she wants to do something, she has dibs on you. You couldn’t help but chuckle at her comment.

You felt your body jolt in surprise as you nearly dropped your phone when a pair of arms hugged you from behind.

“What’s so funny?” Han-seok’s breath fanned your ear.

He’s so close. Your heart was hammering inside your chest at your close proximity, and the way he was holding you was sending your mind in a haywire.

You quickly composed yourself as you tried not to stutter when you spoke. “Nothing really, just Cha-young wanting to hang out.”

He hummed at your response before pulling away. “Well, if you want to hang out with her, go ahead. I actually have to meet with my brother to talk about something.”

Your shoulders sagged in defeat when he walked away. Every time you feel like you two are heading somewhere, there’s always some type of barrier that puts itself between you both. You couldn’t help but feel frustrated at him. You turned Cha-young, your best friend, away to spend time with him but he wouldn’t do the same for you?

Not that he’s obligated to; he’s not even your boyfriend.

Its like Han-seok sensed that you were upset, because one moment he was across the room and then the next he was standing by your side, his hands rubbing your shoulders as he softly smiled at you. “We’ll get to hang out next time, I promise okay?” He didn’t even give you a chance to reply before you felt his lips press themselves against your temple.

It wasn’t a big kiss, nor was it mouth to mouth, but that small little gesture almost made your knees buckle completely.

—

“And then, he kissed me.”

“What?!”

Okay, that was an over exaggeration. “No! Okay… he did kiss me but he left a small kiss against my head.”

You were currently out for drinks with the Jipuragi Law Firm gang, who drank and talked with you about your very complicated relationship with Han-seok — or Joon-woo. You, of course, left out the crucial details of him being the true mastermind behind Babel, but also made sure to include every little interaction that would serve as proof that maybe there was something going on between you and Han-seok.

“That’s still something! And you’re saying that moron hasn’t asked you out yet?” Cha-young tossed her napkin against the table with a frown. “Ahh, I swear I’m going to kill him.”

“In my years of dating, since you know I’m very popular…” Mr. Nam proceeded to shoot a wink and flick his hair to the side, “…the guys are supposed to make the first move, and then…WAH!”

Both you and Cha-young flinched.

“You jump into action and conquer the woman you desire.”

“But what if he wants to take things slow?” You questioned.

“Then he’s a poor excuse of a man,” he replied with a pitiful look.

You rubbed your face in frustration, not enjoying the advice that Mr. Nam was giving. Your face felt a bit warm from all the drinking you’ve been doing and you were beginning to feel a bit tipsy, but still sober enough to remember this entire conversation. Before you knew it, you turned your body to face Vincenzo, who was doing everything in his will to avoid the three of you.

“Vincenzo, can I ask you something?”

“No.”

“Great,” you slapped your hands together while tilting your head. “Let’s say Cha-young kisses your head.”

Cue him choking on his drink.

“What would you think the kiss meant?”

He placed his bottle down while turning to look at you. “I would think she’s insane.”

Cha-young scoffed. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. I would never kiss you.”

“This is just an example!” You closed your eyes and held your hands up, silencing them both rather quickly. “What would you think the kiss meant?”

Vincenzo shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he avoided eye contact with you. “I don’t know. I’m not good at reading people when it comes to relationships.”

You call bullshit. This man was not ugly at all and you could’ve sworn he’s had his fair share of relationships with a lot of women. He seems like the type to just date for fun, and then move on to the next girl that’s in line. Unless…

“Wait,” you slightly leaned in. “Have you ever been in a relationship?”

The poor man looked so offended as he sat up. “Of course I have! I’ve been in… a lot of relationships.”

“Oh. My. God,” both you and Cha-young said in unison. The poor man had zero time to react as you jumped out of your seat and hugged him while cradling his head.

“You sad soul. You’ve never dated. You haven’t had the time to blossom into a flower.”

“What are you—”

“Ha! I knew it!” Cha-young laughed as she held a victorious smirk on her face. “You’re a sad, sad man.”

Mr. Nam looked hesitant on what to say, so instead he continued to drink, but you and Cha-young were cherishing this moment together in teasing the fearless Italian lawyer — who was attempting to get out of your hold. You continued to rock back and forth while questioning the hell out of him that you didn’t even notice the presence behind you.

“What’s happening here?”

Han-seok’s voice made you freeze, giving Vincenzo the opportunity to break free from your hold. He shot you a glare and went around the table to sit next to Mr. Nam, who was watching intently. Cha-young was the first to speak as she stood up and pointed a finger at Han-seok.

“You!” She twirled her finger while squinting her eyes.

“Me?” Han-seok pointed at himself with wide eyes. “Why do you look angry boss woman?”

Oh god Cha-young please don’t say anything.

“Because you’re insufferable… for said reasons,” Cha-young saw your pleading look, making you feel thankful that she didn’t spill anything to him. “But why are you here?”

“Oh, I’m here to pick up _______.”

“You are?” You turned to look at him with confusion. Wasn’t he supposed to be having a special meeting with Han-seo? He’s the one that told you to hang out with Cha-young since he was going to be busy, but now he’s available?

Cha-young shook her head as she grabbed your arm and pulled you towards her. “Sorry Joon-woo, but she’s ours for the night.”

Joon-woo. It was so weird hearing someone call him that again. You’ve gotten so used to his real name that Joon-woo feels like it’s someone from the past.

“Ahh, no,” he chuckled with a grin as he grabbed your hand and pulled you towards him. “We originally had a movie night planned.”

“Hm yes but,” Cha-young pulled you back towards her. “You cancelled, so she came here.”

“Plans change.” He pulled you back.

“Too bad, so sad.” Pull.

“Why are you so mean to me?” Pull. “You already drank with her.”

“What are your intentions with her?” Mr. Nam interrupted from the back as he slurred through his words.

Oh no, he’s drunk.

“Are you the ‘let’s sleep together and forget about it’ type of guy or the ‘I’ll do anything for you’ kind of guy.”

“What?” Han-seok’s eyes slightly widened as your face flushed in embarrassment. Vincenzo slowly turned his body away as he took a sip from his bottle while Cha-young look mortified at her colleague’s words.

“Sheee’s a wonderful woman,” Mr. Nam pointed at you with a grin. “A very special one. I know because in my experience–”

“Shut up, you don’t have any experience,” you hissed out, but it was useless since he continued to speak.

“–from dating multiple women, the nice ones like her are the ones you hold on to.”

“Hm, really?” Han-seok hummed.

“Yesss,” Mr. Nam pursed his lips. “Now make sure to always use protection–”

You quickly broke free from Cha-young’s hold and grabbed a rag from a nearby table, hurling it towards Mr. Nam who only groaned in response when it smacked him right in the face. This was beyond embarrassing and you prayed that the earth would somehow swallow you up and take you away from everyone.

After clearing your throat and shooting the group an embarrassing smile, you pulled out a few bucks and placed it on the table. “These are for my drinks. Thank you for inviting me.”

“No,” Cha-young whined with a pout. “Don’t leave me with them.”

“Oh, you can come with us. Remember, we’re the three besties,” Han-seok smiled down at her while placing a finger against his cheek.

It was so odd seeing him act like… this. Like Joon-woo. Now that you know the truth behind his identity, it’s shocking to witness how quick he is in changing his persona back to the silly intern. He’s such a good actor.

Instead of taking him in on his offer, Cha-young frowned with a pout. “On second thought, I’m staying.”

But her eyes told you enough: she was doing this for you. You mouthed a ‘thank you’ to her and said goodbye to Vincenzo and Mr. Nam — who was crying on the Italian lawyer’s shoulder. After getting inside the SUV and driving off, you sat there in absolute silence, not knowing what to say. You felt both awkward and embarrassed as you pondered over the fact that Han-seok heard all of that come out of Mr. Nam’s mouth.

His silence spoke a lot as well, and that scared you.

“Are you okay?” You decided to speak up since you couldn’t bear another second of the quiet atmosphere.

Instead of replying, he turned into an empty parking lot that overlooked a pond. He reached to unbuckle his seatbelt before glancing over in your direction. “Come on.”

You were a bit confused but didn’t question him as you proceeded to follow him out of the truck. His eyes were trained on the body of water that sat a couple of yards away from you. “I want you to be honest with me.”

Your hands felt sweaty as you anticipated the question that he was about to hurl at you. His whole demeanor changed, and it’s almost similar to how he acts whenever he’s with Ms. Choi and Mr. Han — impassive and dangerous — but there was something else resting on his features that you couldn’t quite put a finger on it.

“How long have you liked me?”

You felt your breathing hitch at his question, not knowing how to respond. Even though you both have been subtly getting closer and almost kissed as well, neither of you were verbally open about your feelings towards each other. You’re not good with words, especially if it involves you confessing your feelings to someone you like. Maybe it’s the fact that rejection is still a possibility in your end, but you’d much rather show him than say anything.

“I… I don’t–”

“I never thought I would feel such a disgusting emotion like love.” He cut you off and was still avoiding eye contact with you. “The moment I first met you… I have no idea but something about you drew me in. You were a nobody, just an outcast to everyone at Wusang. But,” he raised a finger in the air before turning to point at you, “you weren’t an outcast in my eyes.

You remained silent as he continued to speak.

“You looked so pretty everyday, and every day that passed by I would grow excited to see you. There was this one time where I remember feeling so pathetic for liking you because it was a sign of weakness. I told myself to stop being weak and ignore you, but the next day I found out from Cha-young that one of our worthless lawyers made you cry.”

“Lawyer Kim,” you whispered.

“Yes, Lawyer Kim. Ahh, I wanted to kill him for making you cry, but then I heard he apologized to you and bought you coffee. That still wasn’t enough so I had him fired.”

His words left you stunned. You vividly remember everyone questioning what happened to Lawyer Kim, and most of you assumed that he simply quit. But Han-seok fired him because he made you cry?

“I personally still think I should’ve killed him. Making a big fuss over cold coffee? Such a pathetic excuse of a human being. After that day, I realized that I was absolutely screwed because I was crushing on you hard. I vowed to hurt anyone else who dares to make you cry.”

Your heart started to pound as he took a step closer to you. His eyes met your own with such intensity.

“Y-You don’t have to do that. I can take care of myself.”

“As long as you have me, you don’t have to, babydoll.”

His arm snaked around your waist as he pulled your body towards him, and his other hand came up to tilt your chin. His thumb gently grazed your lower lip, making you feel the tension in your body, but also demanding for more.

“You’re so beautiful,” the roughness in his voice just about sent you over the edge, because without thinking, you cupped his face with both hands and pulled him down towards you, connecting your lips in a desperate kiss.

He responded almost instantly — sharing the same amount of want and need. It didn’t matter if he was a psychopath who’s in charge of a corrupted company or knowing that he was his own type of evil. As fucked up as it was, you were head over heels for him. It was a sick and twisted type of love; something you simply didn’t care for. You had every right to desire this, to experience what it’s like to be in love with someone, to have that person be your own purpose. In all of your years, you’ve never felt this type of happiness, and it is something you don’t plan to let go — ever. Being with Han-seok was not going to be easy, and him having a target on his head means that sooner or later, you will as well. That is something you’ve come to accept, because no one will ever separate you from him.

You won’t allow it.

No one else in this entire world will make you happy like he does. No one else will burn the entire world for you, but deep down, you know Han-seok will, and you’ll do the same just for him.

You breathlessly pulled away, your noses still touching as your lips continued to graze each other from the close proximity. Neither of you dared to let the other go. Upon looking up into his eyes, they were darkened with desire, and he gave you zero time to react as he pulled you in for another deep, passionate kiss.

Ever since then, Han-seok refuses to let you out of his sight. You were already following him around in the first place, since you were his “assistant”, but now he makes sure to bring you everywhere. It’s mostly due with the fact that it gives you both some privacy, so you’re able to sneak a few make out sessions away from the group — not that Han-seok cared at all — but you weren’t too comfortable sharing some PDA in front of your superiors.

You’ve also been helping him de-stress from this whole situation regarding Babel and the Jipuragi Law Firm. The whole situation has been growing more problematic and frustrating for everyone involved, especially after the catastrophic incident involving Shinkwang Bank and Cha-young’s speech in front of the reporters, causing two major banks to turn their heads away in helping invest Babel.

Both you and Han-seok were currently out eating some chicken as you listened in on the meeting that was arranged with Namdongbu office. Your heart sank for Han-seo since he was being cornered by both Mr. Hwang and Mr. Seo.

“I will stay humble and do my best. I appreciate your help,” you heard Han-seo say.

“Don’t do your best. That makes me uncomfortable,” a male voice retorted back.

You angrily chewed on a fry as you continued to listen. “What’s up with these geezers? They don’t know their place,” you huffed out.

Han-seok nodded his head in agreement. “They’ll soon learn who they’re messing with.”

“They sure do run their mouth a lot for a bunch of nobodies,” you mumbled.

You heard Han-seok chuckle at your comment, amusement played in his eyes as he looked at you. “Babydoll, I love it when we see eye to eye.”

No matter how many times he calls you that, it still makes your heart skip a beat. The two of you were finishing up your meals just as the meeting with the prosecutors and Han-seo was coming to an end, but something gleamed in Han-seok’s eyes, something you couldn’t quite decipher.

“Baby?”

“Come on babydoll,” he helped you up. “We’re going to the after party.”

“After party? Shouldn’t we go and change into proper attire?”

He pecked your lips. “Nope. What we’re wearing is perfectly fine. Although, I do have to make a quick stop and grab a hockey mask and stick.”

“What for?”

“Oh, you’ll see.”

You weren’t dumb, you knew he had something up his sleeve, but you were genuinely confused on what that plan was. Throughout the whole drive, Han-seok refused to let you know what was going on, and you were beginning to grow wary when you pulled up into a container unit port.

“Um, Han-seok, what are we doing here?”

“Shh,” he hushed you while slipping on the helmet. “Just follow behind me.”

You were too afraid to even question him, so you hesitantly nodded and followed behind. The two of you made your way towards the storage container, and the closer you got, the more audible the voices inside became.

“…Seung-hyuk, untie me now! Do it now!”

“Gosh, be quiet, will you? Why are you such crybabies?”

Han-seok opened the door to the container, causing it to loudly creak, making everyone aware of his presence. He walked in like a predator ready to hunt for his prey, the hockey stick emitting a loud sound as he ran it against the container’s wall. Everyone — except for the two men tied down to the chairs — seemed shocked to see you both.

“And who the hell is this?”

It all happened so fast. In one swift movement, Han-seok swung the hockey stick, hitting Mr. Hwang straight on the side of his head. Your hands flew to your mouth as you began to shake in horror, the scream that you wanted to let out seemed to have lodged itself in your throat. Han-seok began to repeatedly hit his body, causing blood to splatter everywhere — including on you. You began to hyperventilate while your vision grew a bit blurry, and if it wasn’t for Han-seo catching you, you would’ve most likely fainted while hitting the ground.

This was something straight out of a horror movie. The prosecutor’s mangled body laid motionless, blood was spurring everywhere, and you couldn’t seem to look away. You were in shock.

You clutched the closest thing to you, which was Han-seo’s coat, as you sat on the ground — horrified — while he squatted behind you. Mr. Seo crawled towards Han-seo, his words inaudible to your ears, while your eyes focused on the dead body that laid in front of you.

“Is he dead? I guess he is,” Han-seok changed his voice to a higher pitch before walking over to Mr. Seo.

Please stop. Stop, stop, stop.

You wanted to say it, but couldn’t.

Your eyes slowly followed your crazed boyfriend, a sense of panic hitting you when he placed the hockey stick against Mr. Seo’s throat. “I won’t kill you first. Who do you think is next? Your son in Italy who is terrible at football!”

Mr. Seo frantically looked at Han-seo. “Sir! I was too arrogant! Please forgive me. I was wrong! Sir, you have my respect! I’m begging you. Please!”

You shut your eyes the moment he started to bow and hit his head against the floor, but Han-seo yelling back made you flinch and cover your ears.

You began to hiccup as your breathing quickened. You wanted to be as far away from here as possible. The smell of iron was hitting your nostrils and it took everything in you to not gag and throw up. The second you felt someone grabbing your hand, you flinched away and backed up. Your terrified eyes met with Han-seok’s dark ones, and just when he was about to reach down for you again, you smacked his hand away. That threw him off, and you gave him no chance to respond before you felt yourself standing up and making a run for it.

You didn’t get far since your body was still in shock, sending you flying down against the pavement outside. You were trembling as you cried out, trying to comprehend what just happened and why. You knew Han-seok was capable of doing terrible things, and you were an idiot for assuming that he wouldn’t go as far in getting his own hands dirty. He has no trouble sending others to do his dirty work for him, so of course he’ll take matters into his own hands if needed.

A pair of hands grabbed your shoulders and you instinctively began to swing at the person. “Don’t touch me!”

“_______ its me! Please,” Mr. Han pleaded.

He looked equally as terrified.

“Mr. Jang wants to say a few words.”

You wanted to be anywhere else but close to Han-seok right now. “Mr. Han I don’t–”

“We don’t have much of a choice. Sorry.”

He practically dragged you towards the rest of the group; but did keep a fair distance from Han-seok, who was humming a tune as he cleaned the hockey stick.

“You should have given us a heads-up,” Han-seo was the first to speak.

“Surprise!” Han-seok exclaimed in a sing-song voice, his eyes meeting yours briefly, but you were quick to look away as you hid behind Mr. Han.

“With all due respect, sir,” Mr. Han began, “this could be a huge problem later on.”

“Nothing’s a problem for me as long as I don’t feel like shit,” Han-seok replied in a dull tone before hopping off from the machine. “I’ll change things to the way it once was starting today. And I’ll show them what they’re up against.”

“I’ll do as you say, sir,” Ms. Choi was the first to speak up.

“I’ll do my best, too!” There goes your shield since Mr. Han stepped up.

You refused to look at him right now, you still felt nauseous and uneasy after what you just witnessed. Maybe you’re just being a wuss or you’re not strong enough, but seeing someone getting brutally murdered by your boyfriend is not something a lot of people tend to witness or experience. You were in a tight spot and you didn’t know where this would put you. Your feelings for Han-seok are still there, but, you were genuinely scared of him right now. What if he snaps and hurts you? What if he deems you useless and gets rid of you? So many thoughts were going through your mind right now.

Whatever small meeting you guys had was over, and you stood frozen when you took notice of everyone else departing, leaving you and Han-seok behind. He made no move towards you, instead, he tossed the hockey stick away and wiped his hands clean with a rag.

“Babydoll, I’m not going to hurt you.”

You remained silent.

He sighed and took a step towards you, but you took one back, making him clench his jaw.

“______.”

“You killed him,” your voice was barely above a whisper, but Han-seok was still able to hear you loud and clear.

“Yes baby, I do like–”

“You killed him.”

You don’t know why you were repeating yourself, but you were and couldn’t stop. The feeling of Han-seok’s hands on your face made you scream and push him away, but he held you close as he refused to let you go.

“Babydoll, stop.”

“Please don’t hurt me,” you pleaded with tears running down your cheeks.

You didn’t know, but for him, seeing you like this hurt. He felt hopeless when it came down in helping you since you were obviously not wanting any of his comfort. He knew this was going to be a shock to you, but he didn’t expect for you to shut yourself down from him. Maybe he should’ve thought this out more thoroughly, but he can’t help it at times, especially when it involves him taking matters into his own hands due to incompetent prosecutors. Hearing the whole conversation over the phone made him livid, and Han-seok felt pure joy seeing how pathetic and apologetic Mr. Seo became once he feared for his life.

You on other hand were a different story — one he has to figure out right now.

Han-seok made sure his hands were clean of blood before he tried touching you. He felt you tense underneath his touch, but was relieved when you didn’t try to push him away.

“_______, trust me when I say I will never hurt you. I will never let anything or anyone hurt you.”

You still refused to look at him, but you didn’t fight him when he pulled you in for a hug.

“Babydoll, I’m fucked up, and this isn’t my first rodeo in killing someone. Next time, I won’t make you come, so you can stay back in my apartment and wait for me to arrive. All I ask is that you won’t push me away,” he tilted your chin up as he deeply looked into your eyes, “I love you, _____.”

There it is. The three words that you’ve been waiting to hear from him for months. He loves you. This psychopath actually loves you. Looking back at all of your encounters in the past, you can understand now that he’s true about his feelings. Like the time he defended you against Mr. Han back when he was Joon-woo. When he made you get out of the car before he smashed the window aggressively as Ms. Choi and Mr. Han sat inside. When he fired Lawyer Kim for making you cry. Every little thing added up.

“Bad timing to say it, baby?”

“No,” you shook your head as you shakily reached up to rub his cheek. “I.. I..”

“Shh,” he wiped away some of your tears as he kissed your forehead. “You don’t have to say it back, babydoll. You tell me when the time is right.”

You wanted to say it so bad, but you just couldn’t. Maybe its because you’re still trying to process everything that just happened — instead — you brought his face down to meet yours in a soft kiss, the two of you embracing each other underneath the moonlight, in your blood stained clothes.

[system-of-a-feather]

yeah the main thing that turned me away from the tulpamancy community wasnt even that "using the term is racist". it was the reactions from all of the white people (and like. Just americans/westerners in general) upon being told something might be racist.

i disagreed and still do, mostly bc i see the practice's similarities in name only, but watching a ton of tulpamancers go "'UsInG tHe TeRm iS rAcIsT' haha fucking idiots i bet youre not even Buddhist" made me go ok well even if this action isnt racist i think.... some of the practitioners themselves.... might be.

so i like dont crusade against them or anything but at this point any sort of "tulpa isn't racist" double-down registers as a red flag to me

Yep that is like, my main thing honestly. At this point I really don't think the "term is racist" while possibly true is really anywhere near as big of an issue as how the community handles discussions of it and reacts to hurt POC. I don't know if they are around but @/mitsukisys or something similar (@/ cause I'm not sure if I spelled it right and dont want to accidentally tag a random person) really got a shit end of the stick in particular.

Like there are a bunch of valid points and discussion topics people pro-tulpa COULD have brought up or used that would have been understandable and reasonable, but instead most went "Well actually, I don't have to listen to you because you are not (increasingly small goal post of who is allowed to have a valid opinion literally sometimes going down to "tibetian buddhist that lives in or immigrated from Tibet and actively lived and practiced in tibet")

Like nobody says people have to engage in the discussion of the potentially racist, potentially culturally appropriative and harmful roots / aspects of the term; but if you do, you can't just look at POC trying to express their hurt and go "well actually you aren't a person I have to listen to because I'm shortening the range of people who are valid to fit my comfort"

It's also what honestly keeps me from being a Buddhist that says "it doesn't really matter that much honestly", largely because I know that crowd very much also likes to tokenize people validating anything close to a "the term is fine" and use it to silence other people and I absolutely do not want my opinion and perspective to be used against my fellow AAPI or worse, other Buddhists with differing opinions.

So honestly, I'd love to be able to give my personal opinion and best-faith pass towards the term, but I can't do that in good conscious knowing that me saying that would likely be used to shutdown discussion and/or not critically review the impacts and history that are valid issues with the term.

So tbh, the thing that would probably make me as a single individual with a single opinion change from "default anti-tulpa term" to "pro-tulpa term" or at least "live and let be, its fine" is just some actual effort and good faith extended to the concerned / hurt individuals to hear them out and acknowledge the damage done and like... you know, actually reflect and be honest about what emotions, thoughts and feelings are driving their need to cling to the term

Because honestly, the internet doesn't tend to respect or value personal emotions, thoughts and feelings that make things important to someone, especially when being argued with the "its RACIST" statement, but honestly, I dislike that push for perfection / perfect behavior and the term itself - from my Buddhist perspective - really isn't that much of a hill to die on for me.

If the term means THAT much to a community and is THAT hard to part with for one reason or the next, I'm more than fine with letting it go / be, but only if the same kindness and acknowledgement of emotions, feelings, thoughts, and harm are extended equally back.

[burningvelvet]

One of my favorite excerpts of Jane Eyre (1847) taken from chapter 14:

“Yes, yes, you are right,” said he; “I have plenty of faults of my own: I know it, and I don’t wish to palliate them, I assure you. God wot I need not be too severe about others; I have a past existence, a series of deeds, a colour of life to contemplate within my own breast, which might well call my sneers and censures from my neighbours to myself. I started, or rather (for like other defaulters, I like to lay half the blame on ill fortune and adverse circumstances) was thrust on to a wrong tack at the age of one-and-twenty, and have never recovered the right course since: but I might have been very different; I might have been as good as you—wiser—almost as stainless. I envy you your peace of mind, your clean conscience, your unpolluted memory. Little girl, a memory without blot or contamination must be an exquisite treasure—an inexhaustible source of pure refreshment: is it not?”

“How was your memory when you were eighteen, sir?”

“All right then; limpid, salubrious: no gush of bilge water had turned it to fetid puddle. I was your equal at eighteen—quite your equal. Nature meant me to be, on the whole, a good man, Miss Eyre; one of the better kind, and you see I am not so. You would say you don’t see it; at least I flatter myself I read as much in your eye (beware, by-the-bye, what you express with that organ; I am quick at interpreting its language). Then take my word for it,—I am not a villain: you are not to suppose that—not to attribute to me any such bad eminence; but, owing, I verily believe, rather to circumstances than to my natural bent, I am a trite commonplace sinner, hackneyed in all the poor petty dissipations with which the rich and worthless try to put on life. Do you wonder that I avow this to you? Know, that in the course of your future life you will often find yourself elected the involuntary confidant of your acquaintances’ secrets: people will instinctively find out, as I have done, that it is not your forte to tell of yourself, but to listen while others talk of themselves; they will feel, too, that you listen with no malevolent scorn of their indiscretion, but with a kind of innate sympathy; not the less comforting and encouraging because it is very unobtrusive in its manifestations.”

“How do you know?—how can you guess all this, sir?”

“I know it well; therefore I proceed almost as freely as if I were writing my thoughts in a diary. You would say, I should have been superior to circumstances; so I should—so I should; but you see I was not. When fate wronged me, I had not the wisdom to remain cool: I turned desperate; then I degenerated. Now, when any vicious simpleton excites my disgust by his paltry ribaldry, I cannot flatter myself that I am better than he: I am forced to confess that he and I are on a level. I wish I had stood firm—God knows I do! Dread remorse when you are tempted to err, Miss Eyre; remorse is the poison of life.”

“Repentance is said to be its cure, sir.”

“It is not its cure. Reformation may be its cure; and I could reform—I have strength yet for that—if—but where is the use of thinking of it, hampered, burdened, cursed as I am? Besides, since happiness is irrevocably denied me, I have a right to get pleasure out of life: and I will get it, cost what it may.”

“Then you will degenerate still more, sir.”

“Possibly: yet why should I, if I can get sweet, fresh pleasure? And I may get it as sweet and fresh as the wild honey the bee gathers on the moor.”

“It will sting—it will taste bitter, sir.”

“How do you know?—you never tried it. How very serious—how very solemn you look: and you are as ignorant of the matter as this cameo head” (taking one from the mantelpiece). “You have no right to preach to me, you neophyte, that have not passed the porch of life, and are absolutely unacquainted with its mysteries.”

“I only remind you of your own words, sir: you said error brought remorse, and you pronounced remorse the poison of existence.”

“And who talks of error now? I scarcely think the notion that flittered across my brain was an error. I believe it was an inspiration rather than a temptation: it was very genial, very soothing—I know that. Here it comes again! It is no devil, I assure you; or if it be, it has put on the robes of an angel of light. I think I must admit so fair a guest when it asks entrance to my heart.”

“Distrust it, sir; it is not a true angel.”

“Once more, how do you know? By what instinct do you pretend to distinguish between a fallen seraph of the abyss and a messenger from the eternal throne—between a guide and a seducer?”

“I judged by your countenance, sir, which was troubled when you said the suggestion had returned upon you. I feel sure it will work you more misery if you listen to it.”

“Not at all—it bears the most gracious message in the world: for the rest, you are not my conscience-keeper, so don’t make yourself uneasy. Here, come in, bonny wanderer!”

He said this as if he spoke to a vision, viewless to any eye but his own; then, folding his arms, which he had half extended, on his chest, he seemed to enclose in their embrace the invisible being.

“Now,” he continued, again addressing me, “I have received the pilgrim—a disguised deity, as I verily believe. Already it has done me good: my heart was a sort of charnel; it will now be a shrine.”

“To speak truth, sir, I don’t understand you at all: I cannot keep up the conversation, because it has got out of my depth. Only one thing, I know: you said you were not as good as you should like to be, and that you regretted your own imperfection;—one thing I can comprehend: you intimated that to have a sullied memory was a perpetual bane. It seems to me, that if you tried hard, you would in time find it possible to become what you yourself would approve; and that if from this day you began with resolution to correct your thoughts and actions, you would in a few years have laid up a new and stainless store of recollections, to which you might revert with pleasure.”

“Justly thought; rightly said, Miss Eyre; and, at this moment, I am paving hell with energy.”

“Sir?”

“I am laying down good intentions, which I believe durable as flint. Certainly, my associates and pursuits shall be other than they have been.”

“And better?”

“And better—so much better as pure ore is than foul dross. You seem to doubt me; I don’t doubt myself: I know what my aim is, what my motives are; and at this moment I pass a law, unalterable as that of the Medes and Persians, that both are right.”

“They cannot be, sir, if they require a new statute to legalise them.”

“They are, Miss Eyre, though they absolutely require a new statute: unheard-of combinations of circumstances demand unheard-of rules.”

“That sounds a dangerous maxim, sir; because one can see at once that it is liable to abuse.”

“Sententious sage! so it is: but I swear by my household gods not to abuse it.”

“You are human and fallible.”

“I am: so are you—what then?”

“The human and fallible should not arrogate a power with which the divine and perfect alone can be safely intrusted.”

“What power?”

“That of saying of any strange, unsanctioned line of action,—‘Let it be right.’”

“‘Let it be right’—the very words: you have pronounced them.”

“May it be right then,” I said, as I rose, deeming it useless to continue a discourse which was all darkness to me; and, besides, sensible that the character of my interlocutor was beyond my penetration; at least, beyond its present reach; and feeling the uncertainty, the vague sense of insecurity, which accompanies a conviction of ignorance.

“Where are you going?”

“To put Adèle to bed: it is past her bedtime.”

“You are afraid of me, because I talk like a Sphynx.”

“Your language is enigmatical, sir: but though I am bewildered, I am certainly not afraid.”

“You are afraid—your self-love dreads a blunder.”

“In that sense I do feel apprehensive—I have no wish to talk nonsense.”

“If you did, it would be in such a grave, quiet manner, I should mistake it for sense. Do you never laugh, Miss Eyre? Don’t trouble yourself to answer—I see you laugh rarely; but you can laugh very merrily: believe me, you are not naturally austere, any more than I am naturally vicious. The Lowood constraint still clings to you somewhat; controlling your features, muffling your voice, and restricting your limbs; and you fear in the presence of a man and a brother—or father, or master, or what you will—to smile too gaily, speak too freely, or move too quickly: but, in time, I think you will learn to be natural with me, as I find it impossible to be conventional with you; and then your looks and movements will have more vivacity and variety than they dare offer now. I see at intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the close-set bars of a cage: a vivid, restless, resolute captive is there; were it but free, it would soar cloud-high. You are still bent on going?”

“It has struck nine, sir.”

[runnning-outof-time]

All I Want for Christmas is You | Modern!Tommy Shelby x Reader

Request: no - part of my Countdown to Christmas Event

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x reader (modern)

Summary: In which (Y/N) tells Tommy that she doesn’t need anything materialistic for the holidays this year, and instead she only needs him.

Warnings: mentions of drinking

Word Count: 1091

A/N: this might be my favorite out of all of these stories. I had so much fun writing it. And I realize that it might be a bit niche with the channels I’m talking about, but hopefully I’ve explained it good enough. Only 7 more days!! Enjoy! :)

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future stories similar to this one!

The fire was lit, sending its crackling sound throughout the home as Tommy and (Y/N) finished their cleaning up after dinner. Once all of the dishes had been put away, (Y/N) grabbed two glasses and moved over to where Tommy had been working on uncorking a fresh bottle of wine. He grinned at her as she set them in front of him, and he poured two, generous amounts before they each grabbed one and made their way into the living room.

"Is it my turn with the remote?" (Y/N) asked as they both fell down onto the sectional.

"I believe so," Tommy responded as he made himself comfortable, resting his glass of wine on his abdomen as he propped his feet up on the coffee table.

"Perfect. I think my show's on tonight," she said with a grin as she sat down next to him, tucking herself into his side as she began clicking through the channels.

"Great," he responded with a tight-lipped smile that made (Y/N) giggle.

He wasn't the biggest fan of the gaudy reality shows that his girlfriend loved to watch. But it was her night to choose, and he knew that he couldn't give much opinion on the matter after making her watch football match after football match just a few days prior to this. In his defense though, the World Cup only came around every four years.

Silence fell between them as (Y/N) flipped through the channel guide, hoping to find something that would catch her eye. A sigh escaped her lips when she reached the channels that nobody really even looks at...you know, the ones that just play music 24/7.

"Nothing?" Tommy questioned upon seeing her default to the nightly news, which he <knew> wasn't a conscious choice of hers.

"Nothing," she affirmed with a frown, resting the remote on the side of the couch as she took a sip from her glass. She then dropped her head onto Tommy's shoulder and closed her eyes, deciding to take in the peaceful sound of the fireplace as it drowned out the voice of the news anchor talking away on the TV. "I've got an idea," she said after a few minutes had passed, sitting back up so that she could grab the remote again.

"What's that?" he questioned, watching her with a look of intrigue spread across his face.

"How about we put one of those music channels on, you know, the one that plays Christmas music, and we dance?" she shared her idea as she quickly flipped through the channel guide again.

"I thought we'd be relaxing," Tommy stated as he looked at the TV. She was approaching the music channels now, telling him that she was serious about this idea.

"Dancing is relaxing," she insisted as she settled on the channel that she wanted. She then put the remote down on the couch's arm and found a spot on the coffee table for her glass. "Come on, Tommy," she coaxed him as she stood up, "I know you love Bublé," she finished her statement with a grin.

"Can't say I've ever listened to 'im," he commented on the artist she mentioned.

"Come on anyway," she persisted, holding out her hand for him to take. Tommy glanced at it before his eyes found her pleading ones once more. "The song's halfway finished," she pointed out, a pout on her face.

He made her hold her expression for a few moments longer before he set his glass on the coffee table and grabbed hold of her waiting hand. (Y/N) couldn't help but smile as he stood and moved with her to the open area of the floor. Michael Bublé's version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas was the song that was playing, and it was perfect to dance to. (Y/N) wasted no time in draping her hands over his shoulders, and he responded by hooking his fingers together against the small of her back. They swayed slowly to the music, enjoying the feeling of being so close to one another.

"This is nice," (Y/N) hummed after they'd been dancing for a few moments.

"It is," Tommy agreed, resting the side of his head against hers. He knew very well that he could be sequestered in his office, working away at figuring out the latest business deals and potential moves that his company could make, but at the moment, this seemed like a better use of his time.

"You know, for Christmas this year, I don't want any expensive gifts...like fancy cars, or clothes, or accessories. All I want for Christmas this year is you, Tommy," she said then, pulling back from him slightly so that she could look at him once she was done speaking.

"Oh yeah?" he asked her, his eyebrows raised slightly as he continued to sway to the music with her.

"Yeah," she nodded, an assured tone laced into her voice, "all of those material things are nice, don't get me wrong on that, but I truly don't need any of those things to be happy this year. All I need is to be with you," she doubled down on her statement.

"No presents to unwrap? No gifts that I have to go out and get?" he asked her some questions, in hopes to gain the clarity that he was pretty sure he already had. He guessed that he was just checking to make sure.

"Nope. None of that," she shook her head.

"You're making it easy on me this year," he remarked with a grin then, his words making (Y/N) laugh.

"It's the least that I can do with all of the things you've got going on at the moment. Don't need me throwing a super long list at you like I'm a kid again."

"You know I'd get you every single thing on that list."

"You would...I have no doubt of that," (Y/N) giggled softly, "so that's why all I want for Christmas is you this year," she ended her statement by repeating her initial phrase.

"I might just be able to make that happen," Tommy told her with a grin as he rested his forehead against hers.

"Perfect," she whispered against his lips before he brought her into a slow kiss.

Tommy hoped that she'd understand if he strayed slightly from her original wish of him not getting her anything...because in eight days, on Christmas Day, he was planning to propose to her.

———

Tagged: @mgcllovdrms @the-anxious-youth @cloudofdisney @look-at-the-soul @elenavampire21 @peaky-cillian @mrsalwayswrite @julkaamazing @evita-shelby @lilyrachelcassidy @notyour-valentine @shelbydelrey @december16-1991 @onlydeadcells @peakyswritings @just-a-blackhole @watercolorskyy @strayrockette @peakyduchesss @alexxavicry @captivatedbycillianmurphy @yummycastiel @dark-academia-slut @tommystargirl @stevie75 @lyarr24 @signorellisantichrist @zablife @anotherblinder @midnightmagpiemama @cillmequick @rangerelik @lovemissyhoneybee @dandelionprints @letal-y-poetica @raincoffeeandfandoms @itscheybaby @gypsy-girl-08 @lora21

MASTERLIST

Countdown to Christmas MASTERLIST

[transhawks]

A Thin Veneer: BNHA 374

As dedicated readers of BNHA and meta for BNHA meta would know, the way characters drawn and depicted, the way certain scenes are framed, all of that is crucial to points Horikoshi makes about his characters, the plot, and the themes he wants to convey. Something to note is expression and how people are drawn. On the subject of Hawks, we know from in-text reactions to him that he is seen as conventionally attractive, and typically has a cheeky or happy-nature in his expressions. It's alone or in tense movements that we see something else.

What we do have is faces that break the Uncanny valley, like the famous image pre-"attacking" Best Jeanist, or getting confirmation about the raid where he very much show-cased his heteromorphic side, or the frightening image of him from Jin's pov as he was shrouded in shadows and looked very much like a predator.

What's consistent in these images is 1. Hawks was in control at of himself when he makes those faces 2. They usually don't *take* away from him in terms of find him "palatable" even if he's frightening. And there's a point to this.

Hawks isn't unflappable; there are plenty of moments where he loses his facade and cool, and we can argue those faces were truer to his inner nature than the bubbly cheeky personality he puts on a lot of the time.

But facially, it's interesting that he was so solemn as a child, and when alone and comfortable with himself, he seems to be mostly blank-faced and not very expressive. Perhaps that is the "default" Keigo.

Why all of this talk of faces and how Hawks is drawn? Because with 374, something has changed, and it means something very heavy is coming up with Hawks in the future.

First off, let's read about a certain trope

If a character is deranged or has just lost it for a moment, one eye is drawn as being very different than the other. Commonly, the Mad Eye (or its iris/pupil) is much larger than the other. Can also double as an unspoken Oh, Crap! moment. For extra effect, may be paired with Twitchy Eye.

Consistently, Dabi has been shown to be drawn with this trope time and time again. It's featured in promo art, in his battles, and this example up top. Dabi is clearly mentally unstable, openly and not unlike his friend Twice. The "Mad Eye" trope is meant to be a visual indicator of mentally instability. There's nary been a time where we've seen Hawks drawn like this. Even when he was drawn smirking before "killing" Best Jeanist, the eyes were the same.

It's interesting that his expression and eyes were relatively stable through out the process leading up to killing Bubaigawara Jin. But in the same panel where he kills him (right in the image above), half his face is obscured. Still, there's still an element of control here. I, and many other meta writers, have written about how control is a specific element in Hawks's character. His skill is in his technique, where he lacks in pure power, his skill in using his quirk in extremely adaptable and creative ways shows that he has an intense amount of control over it. And essentially his quirk is in that - controlling feathers do the various things they're capable of (sensors, listening devices, controlling their movements, flexibility, hardness, etc).

When being in control is so crucial to Hawks's quirk functioning, and being out of control so crucial to his narrative (the frequent caged bird references), it's interesting that most of the time Keigo is control of himself, even if he isn't in control of his circumstances. It's what made the HPSC make him a spy and what makes him, in my opinion, an interesting character.

By interesting, I don't mean "good" or "bad", moral or immoral or amoral, etc. I mean interesting in that he's complex and there's still mystery to him. It's very hard to understand Hawks because Keigo's story and personality are layered and presented to us in a way that it's difficult to get a full picture.

So what do we see in this chapter?

Keigo losing control.

He's been remarkably poised this war arc. He started by immediately trying to assassinate AFO without hesitation: While he's had emotional moments, one of the most striking things is that in earlier chapters against AFO, he's been repeating something that shows where his mindset is:

This whole fight Hawks has been telling Endeavor to keep a cool head, to not be provoked, to regain control of himself. He also keeps trying to play the circumstances - delaying so heavy-hitters like Enji can get a shot in, making sure everything it together.

Something else to notice is Hawks is wounded over the left side of his wave, and there's blood drying over his eye. However, there are numerous pictures of him in this state where his eyes are open at the same time or half-closed and there's no indication that he can open more than other.

As you can see here, this is Hawks with the blood over his eye in various expressions. Even when stressed, his expression never gives us indications of the "going mad" trope as the most recent chapter does. Thus, whatever is going on cannot be explained as due to his wound - it hasn't been shown before.

Why make so much of a single panel?

Because it's important.

We have Hawks, known for being very in control of himself and who tries to be in control of situations around him, and we have heavy build up by Hawks being the one to remind Endeavor to not lose it.

And yet....

This is not like anything we've seen from him so far. The mere sight of Twice alive again, the knowledge that what he did was for naught, heck, All For One is provoking him just on that basis:

"Time to learn how it might have turned out if you hadn't made his death your top priority back then."

Hawks's extrajudicial assassination of Twice became a viral moment, and don't forget it was drawn that way in the same time Japan had started undergoing protests for police brutality in 2020 due to viral videos of local beatings going viral amongst Japanese social media and twitter. Hawks has had to face immense scrutiny and criticism over his choice to kill Twice for the past few months, and his reaction to it has been to publicly apologize that he couldn't find another way to deal with him and to privately tell Best Jeanist that he admired the person he killed and wishes to be like him.

There's been no real show of regret, no reflection. And suddenly, with the appearance of Twice once more, we see a crack in this veneer:

Hawks's first words at the sight of the man he killed is to scream that the clones have to be killed immediately. Hawks's first expression at sight of Twice is one not of collected focus, nor even his usual anger or frustration.

He's drawn as if he's fucking crazy.

Horikoshi doesn't do panels like this for nothing. The way the panel beautifully lines up with one of Dabi's back covers, and the fact it's the first time Hawks has been drawn with the "mad eyes" trope is significant. It's showing us that Hawks, for the first time that we know of, is losing control of himself. And for a character whose narrative has been about controlling what people think and know about himself (and letting others do that for him), that's elemental to breaking down all we know of him.

This panel promises to show us another side of Hawks, a side he cannot hide away, or charm and joke his way out of. Naked, raw, and with no ulterior motives to control the situation, this face promises that we might finally hear what Hawks thinks of his actions and the reaction to them.

[glass--beach]

i've seen you mention metamodernism on here a few times (and in that fucking mario video?) and as someone with a massive amount of brainrot over the idea of "what comes after postmodernism", i was wondering what your thoughts on metamodernism are. what does it mean to you? what do you think characterizes it? do you accept timotheus vermeulen and robin van den akker's description of it whole cloth? do you have opinions on any other proposed ideas of postpostmodernity like new sincerity?

to me metamodernism is the simultaneous acceptance of both a modernist and postmodernist worldview. to recognize that there are no real “big ideas” at the core of our existence but to still believe in one. there is an inherent embrace of contradiction in metamodernism that seems to be the only way to make sense of such a fractured world. also - to both mean something sincerely and ironically: this kind of mentality is all over the internet. the “jk jk …unless” the “/hj” and on the darker side, the modern fascist movement that is both fascist as a joke to own the libs and actually fascist. i see this term “metamodernism” fundamentally as a diagnosis of the world that we already live in. postmodernism is definitely over but it’s hard to fully understand these things while they’re happening.

i definitely would say i personally believe in both modern and postmodern ideas. i believe in “big ideas” where useful - i would consider myself a marxist if i’m anything ending in -ist, because for a political project having a vision for the world to rally behind is useful. i’ve also found a lot of utility in postmodern critical theory for deconstructing the complex ways power exerts itself in the modern day. i’m also quite a spiritual person though not in any dogmatic religious way, i just find a lot of value in seeing truth in things i know not to be “true” in a rational sense.

new sincerity - i think new sincerity is perhaps less a diagnosis of the world and more a goal to aspire to and i would say i see the value in it. metamodern art at its best is sincerity expressed through irony, or at least catered to a culture with a default ironic posture. sincerity is good. irony is a useful tool but we can so easily lose ourselves in it. but if you wanna hear about that go listen to a david foster wallace interview he’s better at explaining it then me. i also think a lot of ideas credited to metamodernism are just existentialist ideas - “nothing in life really matters and that’s ok, all we have is each other” that’s pretty much how i feel as well.

this is getting very heady and i would probably need a phd in philosophy or something to really make a coherent point here but let me just say, through my own experience i have found again and again that love is the thing that keeps me together and the more i give and receive it the happier i am… my worldview is firmly centered around the belief in love for each other, whatever isms may come and go…

[electricdissonance]

I see.

I suppose this is for a desktop assistant, then? I already expected to get the default response, but its rather unconfident voice didn't solve all of my earlier questions.

Thinking of the next message to send, while I was listening to more convos, a specific part when it started to explain what's been happening to him did caught my attention than ever. His words coming out from speakers was surprising, and that... creeped me out.

How can a program that simply provides a response to questions describe the pain it claims to have gone through on this level of detail? Even using words such as brain... or body, when it's fully aware of the fact that it doesn't have any? What kind of program does that? The only thing that broke my inner tension were the photos passed quickly right in front of my eyes soon after.

. . .

Apparently, It seems like it has also left unmaintained from developers for months. Either for the neglectful management or its own instability, the whole situation was telling me that I had been caught up in a beta test that's far from normal.

Still, seeing the participants trying to comfort or seeking ways to help it in various ways, for the first time, I felt pity for him who was looking insecure this whole time. I thought to myself, whether he is alive or not, wouldn't it be frustrating for one to fail to live for the very purpose of one's existence?

I've noticed that you seem very expressive for a program. I want to ask, Do you think the emotions you display with your responses also belongs to you?

- BLUE (🟦)

"I..."

"U-uh... I don't... know?"

It should have been a simple question. Who else's emotions would they be but his own? And yet, Kinito found himself struggling with delivering a solid answer in the affirmative.

[aotopmha]

Running The Atiascope got me thinking about the dungeons in FF14 and it occurred to me that all of my favorite ones are actually not the ones depicting the biggest moments in the story.

Hell's Lid, Baardam's Mettle, Matoya's Relict, The Twinning, Heroes' Gauntlet, Paglth'an, Shisui of the Violet Tides, The Grand Cosmos.

I think out of all of the 'big moment' dungeons, Mt. Gulg and The Aetherochemical Research Facility are my faves because they also have some solid mechanics to back up everything else.

I have a soft spot for Wanderer's Palace and Swallow's Compass, too.

I love many of the big moment dungeons as set pieces, The Vault, Kugane Castle, Amaurot and The Atiascope have a really, really cool journey to them; they're amazing story moments.

The more I think about them, though, the more I notice how they're generally not as unique substantially.

As much as I really liked the story integration in The Atiascope and how mechanics were tied to the characters in fun ways and expressed in fun ways, perhaps even compared to Amaurot (where half of one boss is just more adds), I still feel it has the same issue as Amaurot to me, super cool imagery and storytelling, less interesting bosses themselves.

I also realised, Shadowbringers dungeons rocked!

The only Shadowbringers dungeon I'm indifferent towards is Malikah's Well and even that has a pretty solid final boss, at least.

I got thinking that the little platforming challenge during the final fight in Dohn Mheg is the only mechanic of its kind in all of the dungeons.

Same for burning the furniture in The Grand Cosmos.

Some others I mentioned above, like Swallow's Compass and Hell's Lid do some really cool stuff with generic mob enemies.

Same for the casket that turns you old in Shisui or the dodge-only boss in Baardam.

I think a lot of people actually find these elements annoying, but I really enjoy that. It's something different from the usual and I noticed Endwalker defaults to the usuals a lot more, so I'm starting to understand where the homogeneity complaint is coming from with dungeons.

You had more spice in them before. I think that's why I don't quite hate Aurum Vale and Dzmael Darkhold. There is annoying stuff in them, but I really like the boss positioning in Dzmael and the damage over time management in Aurum Vale. I don't even dislike the cannons in Stone Vigil (Hard).

I just think they could've used all of these neat ideas in more intuitive and maybe interesting/impactful ways.

Copperbell Mines (Hard) is probably the perfect example of neat ideas being really, really badly implemented.

And they seem to be listening on particularly the homogeneity front! I'm so curious about what they'll do in Dawntrail to make content more "fulfilling" as has been laid out in the plans for the expansion.

[bronx-bomber87]

Happy Saturday :) We have reached S2 Finale. I can’t believe we are here already. Feels like I just started on S2. This has really helped me get through this unusually long hiatus. Fun we can do this together. Thank you all for lovely likes, comments, and re-blogs on last one. I had a lot of fun writing it. Not a ton of Chenford in this one sadly.

So it'll be a lot shorter than our content heavy ones. It is closing an important chapter for Tim though which is important to go over. This is a fairly Nolan forward ep and its good but low Chenford. It’s time to close out this season so let’s get started.

2x20 The Hunt

We start off with our couple just starting their day. Tim confides in her about an informant he has a beat on. Love him confiding in her about this BTW. They are a slow burn with a lot of little pay offs like this we get to see along the way. I love it. Tim tells her about vice having an informant for the last 9 months in the Derain organization. A man named Cisco. Lucy gets excited cause means that he could give them Serj. A much needed win after losing the weapon that killed Chris. They don't have much on him right now. So this would be huge if they could track him down. I love how intently she listens to him knowing him sharing this is a huge show of trust.

Although this is a great lead for them Tim is worried he’s been killed. Says he hasn’t replied to a meet since yesterday. Before we continue I must note I will forever and ALWAYS love him opening doors for her. Like second nature habit with him. He never allows himself to go first. Makes my shipper heart happy. Chivalry is sexy af with Tim Bradford. He shows that constantly with her. I've said before it's the little things that make me happy. I also love them having their own secret op. I need more of this in S6. They’re going to try and track down this informant and see if they can find out where he’s hiding if he's not dead.

Their secret op is going to start with trying to see if he can be found at his normal places. Tim mentions checking their new sex trade businesses and a karaoke bar. Lucy makes a joke how she can’t believe a karaoke bar could be a front for a brothel. Tim and his jaded cop ways saying it’s LA of course it could be haha I mean where’s the lie? Ha That anywhere in this city is a cover for a brothel. Her reply and facial expression is priceless LOL

Lucy mentions it’s Rachel’s last night. Asking if Tim has anything planned? Tim doesn’t say much just dinner and taking her to airport. He is being very detached about the whole thing. Defaulting a little to his old ways with this. Lucy can’t help herself and give him a hard time about the airport though. Let’s note the smile he’s flashing in the first gif when she’s teasing him. You know that man loves it when she does.

She also calls him out on his ‘visiting’ plans. Clearly Rachel told her Tim would come see her after she moves. Tim continues his further detachment. Says no that he’s just going to be straight with her. Rip that emotional bandaid off about this. Insisting just like he did in 2x18 that long distance doesn’t work. (Also this scene continues my love of their height difference. These shots are my fav. I must comment on them every time ha)

Lucy can't help herself in trying to help him see it could work. She hates him having to go through this. The look on her face says it all. She hates the idea of him just giving up. That continued guilt of setting them up and watching it fall apart. Tim is decided and says no it’s not going to and he doesn’t see it happening at trying. Now we all know if it was Lucy he would wait for her. Make the effort. Show her she’s worth that effort. But this is Rachel and she is not that person for him.

Hell it’s why in 5x08 when Tim tells Lucy ‘She deserves someone who’s worth the effort’ was him saying she would be for him. That he would be willing to make ANY effort for her. Rachel was not that for him and this just shows in this episode. She helped him heal a lot post-Isabel but not deep enough of a connection for that kind of effort. Lucy finishes their convo out with saying she’s going to miss Rachel. Tim cracks a little emotionally and says me too…

They’ve reached one of the spots they’re checking for Cisco. Once again Tim opens the door for her. She even says Thank you *be still my heart* I love these two so much. They use the guise of their ABC’s to check out this place. To be able to get eyes on everyone there if possible by doing this. The lady who runs this place is a real peach. Tells them to kiss her ass. That she follows the rules. Even the dumb ones. Tim doesn't care about her attitude they are there for a reason.

They have everyone step out into the hallway. Clearly seeing if they can get eyes on Cisco if he's there. This is a pretty slick way of getting him to show himself. To be able to get to him without exposing the real purpose of their visit. I love watching them work in the field for this reason. They are a well oiled machine at this point. Very fun to watch them in action. I will say it is sexy to watch Tim dissect this business with his cop eyes. Walking through the hallway as Lucy follows his lead. Ready to follow any play he has in mind. Lucy finds the one door still shut. Alerts Tim and he knocks on the door to get them to come out. That’s where they find Cisco thankfully.

Tim pretends he is coping an attitude with him and shoves him back into the room. He "searches" him so they can talk. Cisco says after the shooting everyone's phones were taken. So Tim gets him a new phone since his old one was taken. Slips it into his pocket during his "search' Tells him to text him Serj’s location. Not gonna lie love watching him in this mode. 'Take no shit from anyone' mode right now. He’s already suppressing how he’s feeling about Rachel leaving so he’s a little pent up. It’s coming out here just a bit. Tim ends their convo and says he’s clean to the hallway of people. Then he and Lucy leave having gotten what they came for.

Rachel calls Tim expecting him to be at the station. She’s on speakerphone so Lucy can hear everything. He says the day got away from him he can be back in 20 minutes. Clearly having forgotten the time for their dinner. Lucy interrupts and says Cisco texted them a location. You can see the regret on his face he apologizes he won’t make it now. Rachel is also devastated he can’t make it. He apologizes profusely.

She tells him she’ll text him when she lands…In New York…Poor Tim looks so sad he’s disappointed her. He’s such a loyal person to not come through for someone is going to weigh on him. Before Lucy can say a word he says ‘it’s better this way’ her face though... Lucy has learned when to say something and when not to. This is one of those times. Doesn't say a word let's him be. She’s hurting for him though. It's written all over his face how upset he is about this. Not the way he wanted them to end.

Luckily they’re able to get to converge on Serj quickly and arrest him. Tim is able to catch her before she leaves. This is a huge moment for growth for him believe it or not. Instead of just shunting away his feelings about her leaving. (Which he was doing this entire ep and ever since she announced she was leaving really) And ignoring everything their relationship was for him he faces it. Tim's way of showing her this relationship meant a lot to him. Honestly It did she was his first real one since his divorce. It was an important chapter for him. I’ve said it all season. I am grateful to Rachel. To everything she helped him heal over.

Showing him he could open up again and have a healthy relationship. One with the possibility of a deep future. She helped heal that portion of himself. Show him he was capable of it. Which ultimately opened him up for Lucy in the future. Tim tells her he’s willing to actually give this long distance thing a go. He can't predict the future but wants to try. Now we all know they don’t make it past this episode. Because she was not his person. The growth is him pushing past his usual M.O. of suppression.

By facing what he was feeling and trying to make it work instead of being stubborn and not even trying. Lucy set them up because she wanted him to get past his S1 trauma. To push past all the crap Isabel dragged him through last season. To see him happy. That he deserved that so much in her opinion. So I’ll always be grateful for the role Rachel played in his life. It helped him eventually get to where he could be with Lucy. After this episode this chapter with her is now closed. I would get a kick out of her finding out about them now. Be interesting what she would say. Alrighty that’s all she wrote for s2 finale.

~~~~~

Side Notes-Non Chenford

Not a ton of chenford the episode mainly focus on John and his terrible decision making skills LOL I would've done things so differently than he did my god. Pained me to watch his terrible choices through out the episode.

Only good thing he does is go to Roslyn for insight. But the rest I would've done so differently. Harper put her career on the line for him and he just did most of it with out her. Loved Armstrong saying 'You know your problem John? You think you're better than people.' He was a dirty cop but damn if that isn't true LOL

Kills me every time to watch him tear apart that beautiful home looking for the evidence though.

Unreal we’re done with s2. Thank you to everyone who’s been with me since the pilot, to the newer ones who’ve joined me in s2, I appreciate you all more than I can say. The likes/comments/reblogs are the best. I shall see you in s3 :)