#literally just had therapy wtf (/j)

[pepper-steam-milkshake]

i feel like being a menace. where did this feeling come from? i feel it in my bones!!!!

[cheese-water]

This is going to be chronological order OG only chronicle o tweets on Twitter or x or whatever the heck is up w/ that.

It is set in 1900s ish july. It mentions a ‘She’ im assuming is a therapist of some sort. The writer most likely is mentally ill or something and is told to write thoughts down to help. 

Bro has trauma wtf when did this happen?? Glances, phrases, remarks, notes. Do not understand situation is better shown than told probably some type of trauma honestly. Family and dog: you know they are already fucking dead though, come on you know ain’t no way they survive this. Will not forget bad things bad things probably life changing is worst way possible or something.

J maybe therapist?? Then bizarre dream tf is up with this kids mind tho-?? AND IT MEANS CYCLE?? like timeloop cycle, history repeating cycle, which we talking about??

Oh yeah shitty manager. I’ve been analyzing these and I’ve read that at least 20 times. 20 times of a fictional character complaining about their fictional boss tf is my life?

Spoopi dream and oh hey same hall and doors each time and the other dream meant cycle that’s just lovely!1!!1 

The XXXX might be Mary and Mary might be the actual expert/therapist person? It implies Mary is the one who suggested person to write(?)

“Why can’t I be in control of everything” DAMN WRITER OK RELATABLE K THATS FINE OK also please throw the vcr out the window especially if it’s more than a 1 story building, please.

Happy birthday :DD ayyy fucked ver of happy birthday that’s cooool and we trust J :] oh yeah shit work place for like the 5th time dear god

ok therory also summarize things:

Writer(which is going to be referred to as 0), most likely (knowing Ranboo) is traumatized, and is getting some form of therapy. His therapist (I HOPE IS) Mary suggested he should write his thought down to help. At first 0 hated it, but overtime it did help a lot. A friend J told 0 to write is absolutely obscure dreams down. 0 does as 0 trusts J quite a bit even lets J read the journal entries. J is into supernatural and “crazy” things (same) and tells 0 that 0(bro idk pronouns im sorry) is reliving things that 0 might have repressed or something possibly trauma. 0 works at a very bad place with a horrible manager. 2 more spooky dreams later and oh, 0 still complaining about job. Creepy birthday song and wow I’m done with thing more than a month long project. this was so long and a lot of stuff was very cut down omg I’m tired I’m going to sleep buh bye

-☁︎🪷

P.S hi started school uh yeah hope your doing well :]

We love J for actually listening to 0’s dreams. They’re a real one fr. That being said, knowing Ranboo, I’m fully expecting J to be the one who traumatized and/or killed 0’s family in the end. Another Hetch situation y’know? Really though, what friend would look at your dream journal and say, "Oh yeah, that’s prolly some repressed trauma for you," like? I’ve had my fair share of strange dreams, but my immediate thoughts don’t go to deep-rooted trauma (I wouldn’t know it’s literally repressed, I guess?).

*intermission for me to read the tweets since I found a good twit front end on github a few weeks back B)*

Oh… oh no. Here we go again. If I had a nickel for every time Ranboo created a character who had to write their thoughts in a journal to cope with their repressed traumas and memory issues, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice. No, but really, this post solidified it for me:

The obvious is, "I dont think ill be forgetting those." Clearly, this is an important list of things to remember, and judging by the constant work reminders, Zero (I have to give them some sort of name) uses this journal as a way to help/cope with their forgetfulness and it’s been working so far.

What’s listed in the Good Things list is strange. Most notably the second one, "My dog." ???? My dog????? Who the hell in a supposedly personal journal doesn’t call their dog by their name? If it’s for the reader's sake, that doesn’t make sense either. It could’ve been a classic dog name (à la Spot, Rover, etc.) or, even better, have the name written after my dog: My dog Lola or My dog Winston. I may be overthinking this, but it’s such a strange detail to include with the introduction of Zero’s memory issues in the exact same post. Because all that implies is that Zero’s memory has already been degrading, with or without their knowledge.

Also, I'm not sure how or why we were even getting chronicle 0 in the first place. Is it like some sort of time paradox relating to Zero’s dreams? My best theory is that someone in 2023 (right now) found the journal and is literally chronicling/recording it online for others. This would explain the redacted words in the tweets, since they wouldn’t be if they were posted by Zero's thoughts themselves. And it gives new meaning to the random "?" posts. Maybe the page scanner couldn’t translate what was written down? Or was there nothing written there at all?

All I’m sure of is that whatever was on those "?" pages, those are the pages Jay has been writing on. Which quick aside, WTF JAY!? Why the hell are you writing in someone else’s therapy journal when you know they have memory problems? Who do you think Zero will assume wrote that down? Their nameless dog? NO ZERO MUST OF CAUSE ITS THEIRS. I don’t care if Zero trusts you because you're their childhood best friend or partner or whatever, but to me, you’re extremely misguided at best and suspicious and manipulative at worst. Anyway, assuming the "?" pages are Jay's, either their handwriting is less legible than Zero’s (or at least visually distinct enough that whoever’s tweeting these out can tell the difference from other pages or entries), or they’re some sort of drawing. Of what I’m not sure.

But back to the why: Someone found Zero’s journal and began posting pages of it because either they find it fascinating and unnerving (the reasonable solution) or (the flimsier, weirder solution) the account is the beginnings of an autobiographical journal-book about Zero if they actually did or experienced something notable in their future (for example, the style of Anne Frank’s journals). Imagine Showfall, or *insert Gen 0 capitalistic conglomerate here* publishing "The Story of Chronicle 0: How The Founder Found Their Way." It would be if Disney got ahold of Walt’s childhood diaries and sold them as a collector’s item. It’s so strange and wrong to do, but we all know it’d make bank. Plus, it feeds into the intrusive/changing perception theme from Gen 1 if Ranboo wants to continue that thread. Once again, grain of salt, spitballing, yadda yadda, this is getting interesting, and I haven’t even touched the dreams yet lmao.

[rosesxpoetry]

Okay, so, about Riverdale: I’d like to talk about the plot lines the writers absolutely and utterly fucked this season:

- TBK (up until the last few minutes of last night’s episode I was convinced they were gonna forget about it and let it go)

- The mothman lights (I mean they did “explain” in a very Riverdale-ish way the legend of the mothmen but what about the lights Pop’s, Jughead, etc, saw? - there is literally no explanation for that)

- J*bitha (I don’t hate them, and I’d even find them remotely cute had they had any development, but where is it really? Where is the chemistry, the story? Nowhere.)

- Bughead - so like 5 episodes ago Jughead was hallucinating Betty all over him, talking about his unforgettable beautiful ex girlfriend on AA therapy and remembering her saving him from the underground etc etc and that’s all just gone now? Don’t think so. They even had that scene where he apologized for the voicemail and all and she seemed ready to open up to him but just…left instead? Absolutely no sense.

- B*archie - I’m not against it, I just don’t understand (or like) it. It’s like so obvious they are each other’s rebounds?!! How can Betty not see that they only get a shot every time Veronica is out of the picture (or being cheated on..)? I think Lili and KJ obviously have a good relationship and it shows, but I just don’t feel the romantic chemistry vibe. I think that building two strong relationships (Varchie and Bughead) to just forget about them this season to throw in some new, undeveloped and senseless couples is just pure stupidity and cluelessness about who the real audiences this show still has are. Also what the f***, did they explode? Lol. Wtf!!!???

- Hiram - he is such a pain in the ass. Getting him exiled or killed or whatever now is SO ridiculous, I mean he tried to kill Archie for over 7 years and nothing ever happens to him, he blows up a prison, a drug business etc and he is still breathing. Him lasting 4/5 seasons is honestly one the most unrealistic things Riverdale has. And also, is he really dead? Did he kill Archie and Betty? What the hell is wrong with him? Can’t he take a hint? Just leave.

- Cheryl: I give up trying to understand and feel empathy for this woman. She is plainly nuts. There is literally no more to it: she is crazy and absolutely deranged. Additionally, her storylines are just so fucking bizarre, it seems it’s a completely different show. Like Veronica is building casinos, Archie is a fireman and she is a witch? Wtf.

- Toni and Fangs: not against it, it just doesn’t make sense. I do know coparenting may lead to some feelings surfacing but they were friends their whole lives, they had numerous chances and yet???!! Never happened. Does it make sense now? No. What about Kevin? Or even moose? AND CHERYL WHO SERIOUSLY NEEDS TONI BACK? Idk man, it’s just painful at this point.

I’m sure there are a hundred more ideas and messed up parts to add to this extensive list of thoughtless plot lines. If you have any, let me know so I can add it. But for now this is it.

Disclaimer: I miss my Bughead a lot. I also miss Choni and Cheryl being tolerably crazy. Also I like Veggie.

[strawberrybabydog]

isnt waking up at 4am (or so) and howling a normal kid behavior thing? not an otherkin thing. just kids being #quirky. help im not implying or trying to imply otherkin arent normal i

yeah they just want to attach “otherkin” to it for shock value/clout probably. and it worked! i mean, i had no idea this blog existed until this. and i wish i could travel back in time to when i didnt know it existed. but hey - all press is good press, right?

but yeah it is all normal #quirky kid shit lol. waking u at 4am probably not - unless they’re sneaking out and being quiet. i dont imagine any parents would allow this [their kids being awake and playing at 4am] to happen. but they’re apparently not being quiet and sneaking out, because if they’re being so loud its waking up neighbors... yeah.

but children roleplay all the time. thats what i meant in my reblog by “obviously antikin have never been children” because roleplay is an essential part of childhood play and development. children roleplay as many things: animals, teachers, parents, certain jobs, etc. and they express it in different ways as well - through toys or more of a live-action type thing. and i guess maybe the antikinnies themselves have never... roleplayed in their childhood (which i just know is a huge fucking lie)? but were they homeschool and never saw any other children doing it? did they never, ever go out into public and see kids playing at a park or even, hell, in stores sometimes? have they never.... met... a child... to they know... children... exist... so many questions we will never have answers to /j

if antikin never roleplayed when they were children (which again! is essential to their development, they are literally programmed to do this, so they will do it whether you like it or not,) were homeschooled their entire lives, and never went out into public. um. who’s gonna tell them they were (apparently lol) severely abused and people who that actually happens to, have an extremely (near impossibly) difficult time re-integrating into society as an adult? 

people who talk openly - even as a “joke” - about violently harming children desperately need therapy and desperately need to never be around children, ever. i mean, my partner’s youngest siblings are 3, 5, & 8, and sure they annoy us sometimes when we see them. they’re fuckin kids, what did you expect? but never out of anger, even as a joke, would i think “i am doing to hurt them” THEYRE KIDS LIKE I??

anyways, the moral of the story is there is no story and these children are either 1. not real, or 2. they do actually exist and just don’t do any of these things. these stories are clearly fake and meant to hurt otherkin so

ps: wtf is with antikinnies and wanting to abuse kids jfc. now they’re making up shitty see-thru stories just to hate kids openly? they’ve [d]evolved,,,,,,

[squid-rp]

River Jones

Angry Blind Werewolf living off of a modest fortune that was shrewdly invested. Respects his alpha (is the most loyal but isn't going to say it openly without good reason), adored his mother and sisters, having to deal with his great-niece showing up out of the blue with her five-year old daughter and keeping them safe on top of everything else going on.

Looking for: His great-niece (just left a bad marriage, has some vague knowledge of the supernatural. Is probably just human, but I'm open).

Bo Brighton

A Regular Ol' Human Hunter in the Circle of Orion, Bo is a diamond in the rough from a midwestern town with a genius intellect who had the misfortune of falling in love with the girl next door when she broke through all his logic and theories of the world with a charming fairytale about falling stars. Vera ended up moving away when her parents divorced, but she and Bo exchanged letters all throughout the rest of their childhood and adolescence . While he didn't look like traditional hunter material in his late teens, Bo was scouted by a set of Hunters who crammed his genius brain chock full of lore of the supernatural and taught him how to fight for himself. He ended up joining the Circle of Orion right as letters from Vera stopped, leading him to wonder if the Supernatural was behind her disappearance.

He's too smart for his own good, tends to ramble, has piss poor social skills at times and has a bunch of knicks and cuts and burns from trying to cobble together some sort of new invention... or make the perfect soufflé (or both).

Looking for: Because I'm terrible, you know full and well that Vera's a GD supernatural. Whoever picks her up gets to pick what she is.

Sarina Corwin

Brackish Siren turned during an adolescent summer afternoon by the river gone terribly wrong. Sarina's sudden change of both diet and demeanor led to great tragedy, leaving her ostracized and out of touch and struggling to learn the ropes on her own. Years spent learning on her own and avoiding hunters has led her to Colorado, where she relishes helping bby supernaturals without a clue find their way in life, while also keeping them safe from hunters.

Looking for: Her concept is still formulating, so she doesn't really have any want ads at this time.

Neriah Hanlon

The Petal and Vine Shop has been a staple of Crow River since the town's inception, all operating out of a dreary-looking Victorian manor owned by the Hanlon family who seems to pass the business and the property from Mother to Daughter throughout the years. These days, the shop is owned by Neriah Hanlon, a Changeling who has secretly been running the shop the entire time. Neriah is something of a town darling -- always willing to lend a helping hand to those who need it, and who would literally give you the shirt off her back and knit you a whole closet if she felt you needed it. In truth, Neriah helps people forget when needed, and as a neutral agent, has probably offered her services to many of the factions within town provided that she gets proper payment of... a secret, a story, a little trinket that has some sentimental value -- anything with meaning.

And for anyone who would threaten her, she'd like to remind you that oleander is such a beautiful bloom, but can be so very poisonous.

Looking for: Still an evolving concept. I kind of want her to be a Mom friend to people, but who can also snap into being TERRIFYING if trifled with. Give her employees at her floral/tea shop/parlor. Give her people she's helped in the past. She's SUPER OLD, and has probably known some of these characters since they were knee high to a grasshopper.

Genevieve Thorne (Née Durand)

Born to a prominent and well-respected family of New York old-money sorcerers, Genevieve was born out of a magically political union and was expected to do the same. While her magical talents were not neglected, Genevieve was always thought of as "less than" when it came to her older brother, even when she proved more capable, more ambitious, and more willing to learn and be more. When the time came, Genevieve ended up showing up to her marriage ceremony, only to end up murdering the groom and most of the wedding attendees (including her own family) with the help of a Vampire that she had fallen head over heels for. While the pair officially tied the knot later, they would refer to that instance as their true wedding.

Genevieve has arrived in Crow River arm-in-arm with her husband, and has made powerful friends to gain a foothold in the city (it does help that Ariana is rather charming and useful) and to gain knowledge. Genevieve's true goal is to find some magical way to render herself immortal while still retaining her magic. Lord only knows if she'll actually find it.... and god help everyone if she does.

Looking for: Her husband, namely. It might also be fun if someone were coming after her for that wedding fiasco.

Everly O'Reilly

A curious creature from her earliest days, Everly had a habit for constantly being underfoot and eavesdropping on everyone's business as a child, which didn't earn her a lot of friends, but did leave her with plenty of time to read and soak up as much knowledge as she could about random subjects during her childhood. As she grew older, Everly became less of a pest and more of an it-girl with an Instagram following to match. She was her school's prom queen, but also the Valedictorian, and she was a shoe in for going to school on a scholarship for journalism. Instead of taking that road, Everly decided to be her own boss and became a Podcaster for things dark and strange and twisted that most people would have balked at investigating. She gained a huge following and her work enabled her to travel the world...

Which is how she ended up in Crow River. Crow River was going to be a quick stop on the way to something greater, but Everly ended up seeing something she shouldn't have seen, and one moment she was snapping a photo... and the next there was darkness...

And then she was literally clawing her way out of the grave in the woods she had been tossed into, newly reborn as a Vara Vampire.

Looking for: She's got "her Yoda" as she likes to say, but I would like to figure out wtf Everly saw that she really shouldn't have, and if anyone needs an accidental Vara bby fledgling that they didn't mean to create, hit me up!

James J. Jamison

A few years ago, James would have said that he was the most unordinary of the unordinary folks. A supernerd to the max (complete with the comic book collection and fondness for dungeons and dragons), James grew up being ostracized by most of his peers because he was VERY HANDS FLAILING ANIMATED LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS THING I LOVE. Cue toilet swirlies in the bathroom during recess and lunch. James made friends with another nerd aficionado in elementary school, but said aficionado never learned a healthy way to heal from the psychological trauma of bullying and turned mean instead, quickly becoming a bully himself once he and James reached high school.

And everything would have been all hunky dory had James not pulled his best "What would Lara Croft do" moment and stood up to his ex-best friend, which ultimately earned him the beat down of his life, but earned him a sea of friends who respected him for what he did.

Flash forward a few years, and James was studying to be a graphic artist and was supporting himself in Portland, Oregon by being a pizza delivery driver...

The last thing he saw was the grill of his ex-best friend's car heading right for him... and the next... being cradled in someone's arms, the wet rain, and then... fire and smoke and ash and...

Confusion. James reawoke as a Phoenix and has been trying to piece things together ever since. Luckily, his parents put out a missing person's report for him and he was quickly picked up by a patrol car. After a few weeks of confusion and therapy, James decided to try and go back to his old life, even if he couldn't remember most of it...

But then a letter beckoned him to Crow River, and like Frodo leaving the Shire, James set off on his quest.

Looking For: I would love it forever if someone wanted to be the person inviting James to Crow River. Like, we can hash out that plot together, but I need it like breathing.

Levison Harding

I admittedly do not know too much about Levison beyond a vague concept of him being a native son of Crow River, and a werebear. He left some odd years ago to do things, and just came back after being captured by a group of individuals who hunted supernatural creatures to make a black market of parts for magical rituals, Vampire blood, etc. I think they originally captured Levison for vampire blood and didn't know he was a werebear until he broke out and murdered the lot of them, taking all of the captives with him in the process of escape.

Now seen as the leading figure for a group of Supernatural refugees, Levison has returned home to try and figure out what his next steps are for both himself and the small group of a misfit found family that he's become the head of.

Looking for: Give me the black market group that he's run afoul of now, and give me his found family. There are no alternatives.

Maira Joshi

Another prominent Crow River family, the Joshi's have been present in Colorado records as early as the late 1800's, and they gained a strange notoriety of mostly having daughters within the family. The current head of the family, Faria, hides her status as a seer in plain sight by offering psychic readings and "mediumship" skills to those who aren't in the know, and her abilities as a seer to those who do. Maira is the youngest of her granddaughters, and showed little affinity for magic and happily went along to become an elementary school nurse. She would have stayed that way had she not started having ominous visions all swirling around Crow River, prompting her to take a position in Crow River and move in with her increasingly ailing grandmother for further instruction. Maira -- by her grandmother's own description -- is a sweet and empathetic soul, more likely to slip into someone's dreams to drive away natural nightmares or induce states of calm on the panicked and suffering. Between her growing skills as a Seer and her knowledge of first aid, her true goal is to help where she can, and to stop the terrible future she occasionally still sees from coming to pass.

(SHE IS VERY SOFT Y'ALL.)

Looking for: Other Joshi seers? IDK, I'M JUST EXCITED.

[monaut]

This is so cringe and the last time I talked about it in therapy my therapist was like “grandiosity and delusions of grandeur are a symptom of depression” LOL I knowwww I have mental illness I knowwww I have brain rot I knowwww I’m being delusional and I know I’m latching onto this to cope w how unsatisfied I am with my own real life but

Now that I’m back into v*sual kei I keep thinking about how badly I want to be a bandman and it would actually be really easy to be one IF I WERE A CIS MAN like that’s literally the only barrier and it’s the only one that is literally impossible for me... and I have no desire to be a female musician bc I would rather die than pander to a male audience I want to have girl groupies who would die for me the way I act for ashm*ze (this is not a joke I probably personally singlehandedly pay sh*yu’s entire rent for him every month so I know he’s making bank... probably spending it on girls in his real life... fck). And then I was thinking about how I can’t even be mad because at least there are SOME people in the world who have life passions and chase their dreams and work hard with their friends to work towards a common goal (the one thing I want in life on a deep level). But THEN I ig stalked T*keru (the bandman love of my life from middle school) too hard and found that one of his friends is this American girl in t*kyo who sings and is living her best life and teaches English to every single musician I’ve ever liked wtf... why is that not ME?? (Bc I’m not a visible foreigner is the answer btw)

Anyways back to the point I keep thinking about how I’m turning 25 in 25 days and it’s too late to start chasing my dreams now and also they’re not really my dreams bc it’s not like music is my LIFE PASSION and the only thing I like about it is performance and my whole life is a performance anyways... if you think about it (which I have extensively) I actually have no interests no passions no personality and now I actually genuinely have no friends bc I have no interest in talking to anyone anymore. I’ve never accomplished anything in my life ever I’ve never had a serious hobby or interest ever I’ve never had a soul mate best friend I’ve never done anything interesting in my whole life. In 3 months I have to find a job in j*pan or leave the country but I’m not ready to leave but I don’t have anything I want to do here -_- actually I do but I know it’s not realistic so why even bother -_- but I don’t want to go back anyways bc I hate amer*ca so :/

Um also... idk why I’m so boy crazy I’ve secretly been this way since I was like 7 it’s so stupid I don’t even like m*n and I don’t like s*x I just like the idea in a “I love beautiful faces” way... this is honestly its own mental illness I love beautiful people way too much I would let a beautiful face get away with anything why am I like this... I feel so crazy I seriously am not in control of my life I don’t even have a life omfgggg

[laputaindefrenchgirl]

reasons why i love Tom Hardy.

All is said in the title.

It’s really funny, because I just found back this screen cap from Tom Hardy iconic myspace era. I did this screen cap in 2015 (yes, I know, wtf do I keep in my files) and already, I was having a tad of a crush on him. But now, it’s 2020 and I’ve been through some growth and just reading this text he wrote today made me fancy him even more.

It’s like I am reading his words for the first time, and understanding them in a brand new light. Definitely, I’m not the same Audrey I was in 2015. I don’t think people do change but my impulsivity n’wisdom did something to me. Anyway, here’s to a pretty long post on WHYs I love Tom Hardy.

First, his talent. As most of his fans, I highly respect his body transformations. He doesn’t do it halfway. It was very striking in Legend, where he plays two twin brothers. It’s him but it’s not. These two roles were very emotionally touching, i mean if you forget my never-ending obsession with gangsters, this was truly one of my favorite movie. Besides the stud apparence he developed, the vulnerability pouring out from Ronnie was heart wrenching. If you haven’t seen this picture, I highly recommend it. I also recommend the soundtrack, full of sixties vibes. Then, I love his crazy. What he does in Peaky Blinders is extraordinary. 

What is funny about Tom Hardy is that I’ve seen around 65% of his filmography before developing a crush on him. Like, I really like the directors he worked with, and as I’m a bit obsessed with british everything, well, it’s like I was in the mood before even knowing I am (if that does make sense). From Stuart a Life Backwards, to Lawless, and of course, Inception and The Dark Knight Rises, in the early 2010s I was pretty on point. Funny thing, when I watched Inception in theater I was seventeen, and this movie made me literally speechless, but I was having a crush on J-G Lewitt, and the more I watched this movie as the years went by, I preferred Eames which made me realize how, once again, my growth as a young woman was having a impact on my... tastes?

I remember around that time watching a light action/romance movie called This Means War, and when I first saw him on screen, and I went like “Damn!” and still, the dots didn’t connect in my silly brains.

Then, of course, Mad Max Fury Road came out in 2015 and like thunder, it stroke me. I went INTENSE about the story of this amazing picture (can you hear me scream feminism) and the cast. I mean, Hoult, Kravitz, Theron... This was the dreamboat. Also, it’s all about the context. What I really like here again, is that the previous summer, I watched the Mad Max trilogy with my Dad and as I found it super weird and cool, the themes and plots were very 80s while Fury Road was full of preoccupations we are having right now. 

Previously to all of this, I think in 2012 or 2013, I did this Buzzfeed quizz about which Tom actors was a total match for me, and as I was hoping to launch Hiddleston ; I had Hardy and was annoyed. Funny how the internet can be perceptive, sometimes!

Second, his story. I remember being all, “okay so strangely I watched of his movies but who is he really?” and geez, I’m not dumb, I know that we can’t know-know a person, especially a celeb, from only what you learn behind a screen (no offense there) but I was like, I want to read more and see what his motives are. And I wasn’t disappointed. I read interviews, watched interviews. I really loved that he wasn’t just the quite attractive body he is, but that in anything he did, he was genuine. Yet, yet there was more and more to analyze through the way he picked his roles and projects. The fact that he was an addict, hit rock bottom at a moment in his life made sense. I saw an video he did for The Prince’s Trust on youtube, you could see how bad he wanted to give back. I like that the blunt, roughness he exhales was for a reason, and not for play. And I can tell that, even if he ever was or can be some kind of asshole, he’s never sold for the low. Like, he’s the kind of person who would never speak shit about someone else, or be racist or misogynistic, you know? 

Third, he’s true. If you read the words from the screen cap I posted, I don’t know. The language he uses is something I can relate to. It’s so hard to open up, to be real and to not expect all at once. “i am often afraid. so I have to share. I want to help, it’s not my business to judge, I made mistakes, I stand corrected, I accept casualties, and walk with hope because I fucking LOVE.” aren’t these the words of a legend? In a world so full of shit and assholes, I just dig people like Tom. This must feels comfortable to be around someone who will tell you what he thinks instead of pretending for whatever motives he might have. Of course, I’m projecting a little here. But it’s cool because I know I do. It’s just kind of freeing to look up to someone who made mistakes but believe and hope and love, but not in pink. Just through his own vision, because he is entitled to. And that makes me feel like that, somehow, I do as well. I’m far from perfect and I love my bad side which makes me even less perfect but eh, just like he said “don’t be boring, that’s the fucking worst!”. Man, I couldn't agree more!

Fourth, he’s kinda pretty. Don’t get me started on the tattoos. I’ll admit, my sexual awakening fitted my crush on him back then. It’s cool. I never had a single crush before being around 22, so to fantasize on men and not little boys was kinda strange at first. It’s like I forgot a step in the manual, but I get around it. I will stop this paragraph here because I know that when I will re-read it tomorrow, I’ll find it embarrassing. 

Fifth, I wrote him a letter two years ago. Here’s the funny thing, I don’t expect an answer. Writing him that letter was freeing, and I can’t really tell why. Sending it was like closing chapter full of doubts and hurt I went through in my early twenties. I felt like writing this letter and opening up about experiences and what I went through to a total stranger, and this was one of the best therapy I ever did. For all the reasons I cited above, I felt like he was relatable and so, I went for lashing all my fire into the papers and felt like I could let go of what hurt me all the years before. It’s like I would be heard, not seen, and never judged. This is weird, I am weird. I believe and trust my guts because this is what life gave me best in my entire body. The instinct to know which road I should venture on, no matter what, who and whys. 

“I chose the path of spirituality, spirituality seems to me to be for those who’ve been to Hell.” How true is that. I’m very grateful to have humans who inspire me like this, like Tom Hardy. 

Thank you reading my nonsense, and if you feel the love, feel the same, just know that you’re not alone. The world can so fucking beautiful when you embrace yourself, ugly tears, powerful truths and lunatic smiles. We’re all bloody together in this whatever!

#audreytheartiste

[assholemurphy]

i am incredibly sad that i only have like, 1 extra adderall left (i may have to find somewhere to buy more from, since i only get like, enough for the month with my prescription, the only reason i had extras this month is bc it took a week for me to be able to get my prescription filled, so i literally had to go a week w/o adderall and i don’t wanna do that again, ever, it was hell, esp bc i ran out of sudafed, too, that week) bc holy fucking shit am i awake. i’m getting so much done. i took a shower and then highlighted all of the units in my script, which is usually hard to focus on bc it’s so dull, and i got another 15 units done, so i’ve only got like 30 left and i’m still wide awake and focused AF. like, i’m p sure that colors have smells, but also, like, the world is so intense and amazing. i feel fucking fantastic. i kinda wanna go skydiving, but like, not until i get my hw done, ya know?

but i’ve got 30 more units to do, then i’ve gotta make a graph, but after that, i’m done with the project and can move on. depending on how i feel/what time it is when i get that done (bc if it’s past 3:30/4a, i can’t sleep, i’ve got to stay up bc if not, i won’t wake up in time for class, but also, if i still feel this awake, then there’s rly no point to sleeping bc i won’t be able to, anyway) i might sleep, or i might start working on my playwriting assignment (bc that’s due mon @ 2p and i’ve got to write 6 1-min monologues for my characters) and watch the first 30min of shrek: the musical (bc i gotta have that done by fri @ 9a bc we’re watching it in class and that’s where we’re picking up at since the audio wouldn’t work in class, so it’s hw to watch the first 30 of it, but we can watch all of it, if we want, idk if i will, i’ve got too much to do and if i watch all of it, then there’ll be no point of going to class bc i hate rewatching things bc i’ve got a damn near eidetic memory for movies/books and certain other things, depending on how much i’m paying attention, but almost always books/movies unless i find them boring and don’t care abt them, so it would be stupid to watch all of it and then be bored in class), then maybe read some of after the fall (the script i’m pulling my monologue from for acting i) and do the assignment that goes with that (bc it’s due tues @ 9:30a). after that i should do my therapy hw (we’re still working on stuck points and i’ve got like, 5 more sheets, maybe more, to fill out) bc that’ll be due at my next counselling appt, which i think is next week, i’ll have to call them, but it’ll take abt an hour and it’ll emotionally drain me.

i think that’s abt it for hw, tho, but all of that’ll take roughly 9 hours, which means i def won’t be able to do it all tonight, but i can get most of it done if i don’t sleep, which means i’ll have more time for sleep/writing/literally everything else on the weekend. i might even be lucky enough to be able to get drunk. maybe. i’d have to start drinking at like, 3p and stop at like, 6p for it to all be out of my system so i can get to bed by 2/3a. so that’s a maybe. but a nice maybe.

ofc, i’ve got non hw stuff to do, too. i’ve got to make a list of roommate requirements so i can start looking for a new one (i’ve also got to talk to goldilocks to see when she plans to move out, bc like hell am i moving out, all the bills except her half of the lease are in my name and most of the furniture (aside from her personal stuff and the coffee table) is mine and i don’t want to have to move ALL of it out and into a new place, plus it’s her decision to not be roommates, so it’s on her, not me, and i won’t budge, not this time). then i’ve got to get my study/organization binder made so things’ll be easier to keep track of. i’ve got to do some cleaning (taking out the trash, cleaning up my side of the living room (we didn’t divide it, it’s just where the couches are so we stick to our couches most of the time) and the coffee table). then laundry, gotta do laundry, i’m almost out of socks.

ofc, i might have to start on my part of the second part of the group project. i wanna design costumes for the play, if neither of the others is doing that, which i hope they aren’t, bc i don’t know enough abt any of the other elements of production to do something else. but if i have to, i can try to do sound, maybe, that’s my second choice. so, i may have to start on that this weekend. i’ll talk to hurricane bianca and tim the toolman taylor and see what they’re doing for it probs on fri if not tomorrow at rehearsal. then i can start on my part and get it finished ahead of time to prove i’m capable, when i’ve got my shit together and am not having a breakdown every week. then, after i talk to prof j abt what i’m supposed to do for the show (something with finding times for freeze frames and spotlights, which is fun, but i’m worried my comdic timing isn’t the same as everyone else’s bc i’m autistic, so my sense of humor is a bit skewed, ya know? but anyway, prof j specifically told goldilocks (who is stage manager, i’m one of two assistant stage managers) to have me do it, so i’m afraid i’m being set up to fail bc i know nothing abt theatre, rly, and i’m always paranoid abt these things, but i’m also kinda thinking it might be bc she actually thinks i can do it, which sounds unrealistic, but she’s not a mean person, so i’m willing to bet it’s that one. but i need to ask her what all she needs me to do, bc goldilocks has no clue, which was so fucking helpful, what a great stage manager she is (no, srsly, idk if i bitched abt this earlier or not, but she’s absolutely horrible at this shit so far and i can’t stand working under her bc i hate working under incompetent ppl bc i feel it makes me look incompetent, too, if the job isn’t done right, even if it’s not my fault bc i wasn’t in charge and i’m always, always terrified to look stupid or incapable in the eyes of others). so, i’ve got to ask prof j abt what all i need to do bc i’m p sure the advice given to me by the lighting tech (who is apparently a decent stage manager, tho i doubt it, truly, she doesn’t have the personality for it, she’s too pushy and it makes her hard to work with, but that might just be bc i don’t like her as a person, so i’m reserving judgement until i see her in the position) is wrong bc it makes no sense, is way too hard, doesn’t actually help with anything and gives me a headache (bc mapping out the goddamn blocking is impossible when the actors do diff things every fucking night, wtf??? do the same shit, you assholes! but it’s also useless bc it doesn’t tell anyone where the spotlights/freeze frames should be, and blocking isn’t my job, it’s the other asm’s (who i don’t have a nickname for, but will probs have before the end of rehearsal) so why she’s not doing it, idk???) so i’ll ask tomorrow.

so, i’m looking at 9 hours hw now, then 30 min of cleaning, 3 hours of other paperwork shit, and potentially 4 hours of hw and 2 hours of theatre stuff this weekend. which means i can get at least 10 hours of sleep per night and get some writing done, if i finish most of my hw now. i think that’s worth one sleepless night. it rly is. so, here’s to hoping for at least one day off this week.

but if i don’t sleep, i’ll probs crash after rehearsal tomorrow night, unless i can convince my friends to come over and hang out, since they won’t be here this weekend and i kinda need their help making the roommate requirement list bc otherwise it’s just gonna be like ‘can’t leave time on the microwave after they’re done using it’ and ‘must know how to use headphones when others are studying in the living room’ and ‘must not whine when i want to stay in my room and do work instead of being around them 24/7′ (tho, goldilocks doesn’t spend much time with me anymore, which is fine, i guess, but it’s a complete 180 from what she used to do and honestly, i’m offended bc i caved and started staying in the living room and now it just feels weird not being in the living room and idk what to do abt any of this). i need real things, too, like, big concerns that i’ll forget abt when writing it, and i need to know if my requirements are petty or things that aren’t specific to most ppl, just goldilocks. and it’d be nice to hang out with them and shit.

anyway, this is rly long and rambly, but i rly need to vent all of this shit somewhere, it helps me sort my brain out. i don’t actually expect anyone to read it and you can always blacklist my personal tag ‘iz says stuff’ if you don’t want this shit on your dash. but if you do read them, then you’re always welcome to come to my inbox and be like ‘quit bitching and get back to work, dumbass’ or something. 

[lukasagitta]

Lol, hi! I'm the "'After seeing the latest Batfam/JT comics regarding J yearning to be let back into the fold and having that dream realized, I really worry about him'" anon. and long post question short, I was saying that I was worried that he was going 2 end up like bruce in Batman Beyond, minus Terry and the other members of his family (bat/JL/etc). I also worry about what that quality of life will be like since he never/doesn't want to deal w/his issues. Deep down, DOES he want 2 have a fam?

the thing is, pre-rebirth jason was barely "in" the fold at any point. when he was robin, he wanted to be more involved with the tt but wasn't able to (wow remember when he was like boy wait till i'm 16!!! good times, good times), dick wasn't talking to bruce and then only interacted with jason once or twice (one of which was a retcon i think?), babs only interacted with him like twice or something because she wasn't rly batgirling much, he didn't have time for any extracurriculars/socializing at school... so basically jason just had bruce and alfred. if other people had been more involved, i don't even think jason would have died tbh. it all went to hell because he had an extremely limited support network which made him desperate enough to do dumb impulsive shit.

jason is just...so deeply messed up, and his coping mechanisms suck, and he repels any attempts at reconciliation/genuine conversation (see: his messed up jokes when bruce visited him in arkham), and he sincerely believes in his methods, and and and... i don't know what would force him to deal with anything tbh. like maybe a contrived scenario involving scarecrow + prolonged periods of forced contact/cooperation with the batfam? but he'd never go to therapy or anything. at best, as i imagined him in my ideas for a solo series, he'd accidentally carve out his own life and make connections along the way, and maybe those people would encourage him to actually reflect and get better, which would put him in the right headspace to be receptive to reconciliation with bruce and alfred, which might lead to him connecting with the rest of the batfam.

now, if we're talking about rebirth jason, then he's already basically fully re-integrated with the family right? he's more communicative, interested in belonging, seeking connections with others, openly vulnerable, not deadset (lol) on killing people, etc. i can't imagine him leading a life of isolation and misery in the future. i could even see rebirth jason going to therapy tbh. but i haven't read comics in literal years so i don't know wtf is going on with jason now lol.

[heroin-filled-skies]

J just told me i was getting on his nerves and to please stop singing in the car bc i was missing some words and like kind of behind bc i hadn't heard that song in forever but i love it and it's nostalgic for me so i was like fine I just won't sing in front of you anymore. and then I was like that really pissed me off. and he completely disregarded both comments so fuck it i was so angry and almost wanted to cry which was stupid but i'm so self-conscious about singing. i even said just let me enjoy my song dude and he ignored that too. and then we went into Walgreens to get one of my scripts and milk and he was like "why are you in such a bad mood?" and i was like "uh maybe because you told me i get on your nerves." and J goes "well if you spend 24/7 with somebody they're bound to get on your nerves sometimes and it's better to tell them then bottle it up." (i know he meant and then have it lead to a big fight and a later date bc we've talked about discussing things that upset us in the moment instead of bottling it up.) he did say he was sorry if he sounded like an asshole in the way he said it which he fucking did. BUT LIKE that was not discussing something i did that upset you? that was not letting me enjoy a fucking 3 minute song i literally said was "oh this is 15 year old me" (clearly nostalgic) when it came on and making me feel embarrassed and an annoyance to him. so literally never singing again not when he's jamming out to songs we both like and if he ever notices i'm gonna remind him of tonight and that i get on his nerves when i sing. i don't even care if this sounds petty i still wanna cry. today was my 90 days sober and i asked him this morning what today was bc he remembered 30 and 60 and was so happy for me and he was like "Monday?" "the 10th?" "your therapy?" "i need to go get my tire patched?" "oh i need to order more --- (drug he uses)" "sorry what is it babe?" i was like "my fucking 90 days. seriously you got ordering more ----- before that?" and he was like "i'm so sorry it was just something i needed to do today and you usually talk about it more and have it written on your calendar i really am so proud of you." and gave me a hug so i hugged him back but my stomach was all twisty sad-angry-disappointed. friends i hardly know from the program remembered and my mom remembered. why couldn't J? am i asking too much? he's honestly a wonderful person this post is making him seem awful he treats me amazingly he's the first person besides a girl i dated through high school who hasn't been horribly abusive and traumatizing to me. just recently those are upsetting things and he also doesn't understand cptsd. going to post about Sunday tomorrow when i was dissociating and crying about trauma stuff he had the worst responses when he tried to help bc he just doesn't understand. he's doing a *lot* better at understanding my gender identity and dysphoria and everything i just wish he'd try harder on the pronouns. him and my mom both. every time they say "she" i feel like i'm getting punched in the gut and not respected or listened to. over and over again i tell them. "they're just not used to it". GET USED TO IT. i wanna scream sometimes. it's so late. had a good DBT session today. old DBT therapist stopped doing individual therapy and I'm SO glad bc I love my new therapist I never clicked with my old one and she never actually taught me any real DBT skills like wtf that's the point of DBT? gotta call my specialist EARLY in the morning and give him the fax # of the lab i'm going to Wednesday before i see him Thursday so he can order STAT labs. he always wants different labs to look at stuff that affects my ED specifically than the hormone specialist/anemia dr person will. gonna stop rambling now and set alarms and sleep. will post about Sunday's's dissociation/flashback memories and J's reaction and how I kinda coped tomorrow. i wonder if anyone reads these rambles you deserve a trophie and a shelter dog. PS my knee and neck and back and upper arm/elbow and a couple knuckles hurt like hell and my vertebrae is crunchy and my tendons are straining i need to go back to the chiropractor and get a fuckin massage but ugh a massage might give me trauma stuff. Kk I need sleep guys.

[teengirlfandomdeservesbetter]

“Hysteria,” A History (Part 1)

    Hysteria is a widely used term in general society, usually in reference to teenage girls and their passion for musical artists, characterized as large groups of young teenage girls screaming and stalking their favorite bands. Where does this term stem from, and why is it inherently misogynistic to use in relation of teenage girls loving a band/artist? 

    Hysteria has always been an issue directly related to women, dating as far back as ancient Egyptian times (nearly 4,000 years ago). “Hysterical disorders were said to be caused by ‘spontaneous uterus movement within the female body;’ hysterical women who were diagnosed with a uterus too far ‘up’ inside the body were treated with sour and bitter odors near her mouth and nose. If the uterus was too far down, then the putrid odors were placed near her vagina,” states Krischer in her article Hysteria and Teenage Girls. 

     The term also has a presence in Greek mythology. Hysterical women were seen as deniers of the massive phallic symbol in Greece, and would avoid it by running off to live in the mountains. The phallic symbol was literally seen as a representation of life and fertility, as well as God. Melampus, who was an Argonaut (or “hero”) would help the hysterical virgins by persuading them to have sex with men deemed to be strong and young. This would “cure” the hysteria by giving orgasms. According to them, the uterus was poisoned by a lack of orgasm. (Yeah, seriously, wtf) 

     Did you think this would get any worse? Well, it does. By the time 5th century B.C. rolled around, Hippocrates officially coined the term hysteria in relation to women’s health, with women being “sick,” and the cause was the uterus (which he deemed a “sickly organ”). He wasn’t shy when stating his sexist reasoning: he believed women had “cold and sick” bodies, which caused “restlessness” in the uterus. This belief was rooted in the perception of male superiority over female, since men had “dry, warm and superior bodies.” A research psychiatrist by the name of Mauro Giovanni Carta stated that “Hippocrates goes further; especially in virgins, widows, single, or sterile women, this “bad” uterus — since it is not satisfied — not only produces toxic fumes but also takes to wandering around the body, causing various kinds of disorders such as anxiety, sense of suffocation, tremors, sometimes even convulsions and paralysis.” 

     Hysteria evolved from a physical-focused ailment into a mental health diagnosis by the 1600s. According to doctors (i.e. Thomas Willis) and philosophers (i.e. René Descartes), the uterus isn’t a bad lady part at all! It’s actually the female brain that is naturally hysterical. It’s just a women’s psychological issue, a core part of female “nature.” This canon persisted for the next 200-250 years. “’As a general rule,’ wrote the French physician Auguste Fabre in 1883, ‘all women are hysterical and…every woman carries with her the seeds of hysteria. Hysteria, before being an illness, is a temperament, and what constitutes the temperament of a woman is rudimentary hysteria.’ Meaning: women don’t need a reason to be hysterical. We just are” (Krischer).

     IT CAN’T GET ANY WORSE, CAN IT??? Well, surprise surprise, our resident creepy therapist uncle once removed had to give his 2 cents in the late 1800s to early 1900s. Freud took on the issue of female hysteria and ran with it, relating the presence of hysteria to sexual repression and traumatic events. Krischer asked her therapist about this time in history, to which she replied, “Doctors would take a woman, put her on a table and stimulate her clitoris to orgasm in hopes that she’d be cured of her hysteria” (Krischer). Sounds about Freudian to me! Well, the doctors who took on this “job” didn’t see it as a fun activity, more like a burden. Apparently it took sooooo long for the patient to reach orgasm, and the husbands didn’t want to put sooooo much work into giving their partner pleasure (Women??? Feel PLEASURE??? sounds fake!! - The husbands, probably) and relieve them from their hysteria. Thus, the vibrator was born from the mind of Dr. J. Mortimer Granville. It was of course only a medical instrument for doctors at the time, as explained by Rachel P. Maines, “...in response to demand from physicians for more rapid and efficient physical therapies, particularly for hysteria.” I mean, shout out to Dr. J for inventing such an iconic sex toy, since he seemed to really lack in the “giving sexual pleasure to women by myself” category. In the end, Freud’s idea of a connection between trauma and hysteria in females ultimately caused the decline of diagnosis, and doctors started to shelf it altogether by the mid 1900s. 

     FINALLY, after literal centuries of sexist bull spouted by “educated” men to stop women from doing things that they didn’t like, the 1960s rolled around, bringing the second wave of feminism to the forefront. Many feminist thinkers reclaimed the term and redefined it as being, including Juliet Mitchell who said hysteria was, “the first step to feminism, because it was feminine pathology that spoke to and against patriarchy.” Unfortunately, the stigma attached to women from centuries linking us to the term “hysteria” still has social impacts today. The notion of “natural female hysteria” branched off and seeped into common stereotypes of women, especially concerning emotions and behavior, even to this day. A lot of it is subconscious, but it directly affects the view that mostly older male music lovers have of young teen girls and their love for certain music, particularly when it comes to mass female love for male musicians and singers. Now, onto Part 2: Female Fandom: from “Lisztomania” to “One Direction Infection.”

Sources used for part 1:

https://www.thehairpin.com/2015/03/hysteria-and-teenage-girls/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3480686/

https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/books/first/m/maines-technology.html