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anderscim · 1 year

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another david chiem-related train of thought (wow i totally am NOT obsessed with him)

huge incoming tangent warning

as well as major ch2 part 1 spoilers

(take this theory with a grain of salt)

just wanted to talk about david’s plan in ch2. though it had a bunch of flaws, it was probably better than any of the other options the group had

okay i’m not a david apologist or anything but let me explain my train of thought—

there’s really only a couple of ways you can take action in a situation like that:

do nothing and all of the secrets get revealed. given the fact that a lot of these secrets are specifically written to incite emotion (trauma, anger, etc) it’ll likely stir a hell ton of conflict all at once as people inevitably scramble to identify who’s secret is whose and will probably lead to a worse predicament

someone actually gets murdered before the deadline. true, the secrets won’t be revealed, but they would be trading a human life, which for obvious reasons can’t work out

everyone reveals whose secret they have, and what they are. we can already know from j/arturo and arturo/eden’s situations that having someone else reveal a secret that you’re holding close to your chest will make people react very emotionally—and will just make more conflict

or, like david’s plan, have everyone reveal what they know about their own secrets. in that case, each person would be able to explain the context behind their secret so there’s less likely of a chance they’ll be confronted for it when it eventually gets revealed, and in some cases trauma dumping can actually be good therapy for some people.

however… that’s about where the benefits end for david’s plan. it’s honestly just as risky as the others; for example, some of the cast have secrets that are horrible and seem irredeemable regardless of context. additionally, there’s cases where people retaliate especially if it’s a secret that the person holds very close to their chest / that they’re really sensitive about. we see as much for a lot of scenes in chapter 2.

but the thing is… though it is incredibly risky, it has a slightly higher chance of working compared to the other methods. in a more “better than the alternatives” sort of context.

even if david recognized that he’d essentially be gambling with this plan, and knew he probably wouldn’t get the best outcome possible (in fact i think he was aware it probably wouldn’t work), he likely decided to ignore that and roll with it anyways—besides, a 5% success rate is better than a 2% success rate.

so really, the only place where he would’ve “lied” was the way he promoted his plan. in order to get the ball rolling, he had to present his argument in a way that made the plan sound foolproof—which, given the holes the plan had, wouldn’t work unless he covered up all the possible risks and convinced everyone to blindly have faith in him.

fortunately, with his speaking skills, he could probably pull that off quite well. which leads to what happened in ep4 onwards

also, i don’t think he could’ve intentionally lied about his secret during that moment (although him slightly modifying it is possible—i’ll explain that later). whit likely never reached out to david about his actual secret so he didn’t know for sure what it was.

but the thing is, everyone else’s secret, though written in a way that took out crucial context and painted them in a bad light, was at least somewhat based on an actual occurrence, portion of their identity, and real information.

david’s secret is the most vague and was written in a way to attack his purpose and what he personally (secretly) believes his actions to entail. but, unlike everyone else, there’s no concrete occurrence, action that he’s done, or any specific detail in that secret that connects him to manipulation. additionally, his is the most open-ended. i’m going to assume guessing a secret like that would’ve been very difficult

given david’s behaviors and dialogue as well as some subtle details about his preferences and such, it’s very likely that he has depression and was desperately trying to hide it in order to keep his optimistic image. so for him, it would make more sense for his secret to be something related to depression—which is probably why he said what he said in episode 4.

that being said, i think he did half-lie a little about what he believed to be his true secret in order to preserve his image.

note how he specifically says “family history of depression.”

this is a really subtle wording detail, but david only claims there was a tendency for depression to run through his family—he never says that he has depression himself.

as a similar example—though this may just be me—if my family has a tendency to develop certain cardiovascular diseases, though it does increase the risk that i may develop the same disease in the future, it doesn’t necessarily mean i have that disease.

david likely used this same philosophy, and by saying that depression “runs in his family,” he’s subtly implying that he doesn’t have depression (though admitting he has a higher risk for it).

and like what i said before, i’m 90% sure he’s actually struggling with depression—but he decides not to admit it here in order to keep his own “optimistic leader” image.

(and don’t get me wrong, i don’t think the family history of depression is a lie—just the way he expressed it was kind of… intriguing for me)

i may be wrong about all of this, especially that last part because that may just be my own overthinking and assumptions influencing me 😅

so as always, feel free to refute literally anything i said and i will listen.

and again, please take this with a grain of salt

#danganronpa despair time #drdt #david chiem #bagel’s train of thought #i swear i’m not a david apologist i’m just trying to find ways to logically explain his actions because i’m a little delulu /hj #but seriously i do not think he’s as manipulative as he presents himself to be in ep11 #anyways. thank you for coming to my ted talk #okay this blog is literally all just gonna be rants about david chiem 😭#i swear i’ll do other characters. i swear #i just like psychoanalyzing david too much #fanganronpa

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meimeikyu · 11 months

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Do you have any Bad Sanses headcanons? If so give 👀

(its completely chill if you don't by the way /gen)

I HAVE. TOO MANY. THIS WILL BE VERY LONG! STARTING WITH SOME PREFACING; A lot of these are more fanon or my versions of the bad sanses instead of just headcanons (considering i have a dislike of a large bit of their canons) (my geno ones were kinda like this too but my geno version is much more similar to canon then my bad sanses-)

So these are more just, me ranting about my versions of them which is basically me taking them and. burying them in my headcanons and story rewrites- canon doesnt have to be real if i dont look at it /j AS WELL; For this my bad sanses will be; Nightmare, Killer, Dust, Horror, and Cross. I like having cross as a part of them, and though i like bad sanses error, i consider him more his own entitiy that would work with them sometimes! ALRIGHT! LET THE RAMBLING BEGIN!!!!! (im so sorry for how long this is-)

OK SO. I could have a whole seperate rant about how i think theyd interact and work together and how they are brought together n everything so. im gonna try to keep it to my hcs directly about them n i can do a seperate thing for that if ppl r curious (this did not stay true there r interacting bits but its mostly about them solo)

Cross

ANXIETY. thats literally all i can start it with. i think this is the most anxious man to ever exist actually. also. transmasc cross is canon to me forever <3333 ANYWAYS HOLY THIS GUY. NEEDS THERAPY. well they all do but like. he need anxiety meds or something jfc someone help him TuT. I think hed dislike killing so he would mainly do supply runs, or be the distraction on missions. Hed definately fight but hed try to avoid killing at all costs. So. transmasc cross. im going back to that i have rambles. ok i think hed have like, more round bones if that makes sense?? so hed like to wear big baggy clothes n layers to try n hide it bcs he doesnt like it. I think hed have really scarred hands from fighting, but i also think hed have an x on both of them that gaster (oml i wanna punch that bitch) left on him. thinks. i wanna hug him. i think he has older brother vibes. i have like. a way i sort these ppl by age that makes no sense but i like it. but i think cross would be older. i think hes really bad at cooking. like comicly bad. he is not allowed to cook. he tall. not tallest. but tall. i think he has one really big sword, then 2 smaller hand swords. i think hed be decently powerful, basic sans magic but i think hed be good at combat from guard training and is pretty strong. i dont have as many cross thoughts as some of the others (its bcs i cant make him suffer as much /joking) i think hed like puzzles. like picture puzzles. oh he wouldnt let ppl touch his hands except for some certain ppl (the ganggg, they r family to me <mentally ill) i think his magic would be a light purple and i think he DESPISES it and avoids using it as much as possible. he keeps a tin pocket mirror on him so he can check if his eyes r purple constantly and he freaks out if it breaks (i think itd get broken on a mission sometimes). i kinda think of him n dust as opposites with this. i think cross always has to have mirrors on him and checks them constantly whereas dust despises mirrors and has definately destroyed many. uh. i love him loving chocolate n tacos. i think hed speak spanish. this is. more than i thought i had down- anyways overall i love him but some1 get him anxiety meds please- oh also i forgor to add this until later but. i think both cross and killer would have an army of plushies.

Horror

HORRORRR!!!! THE SQUISHY!!!!! i do not like his canon but fanon horror is my lovely. I CAN NVR DECIDE ON THIS BUT TRANSFEM HORROR HAS MY HEART I CAN JUST NVR DECIDE IF I WANT MY VER TO BE SO I MIGHT SWITCH PRONOUNS LIKE. 10 TIMES LMFAO. but anyways transfem horror is amazing n i love her. horror is the tallest by far. i think of horror like a polar bear i cant decribe this any other way. i think shed have big thick bones like how polar bears have lots of fur n fat to keep heat in? i think horrortales underground would be very very cold in snowdin so her magic mutated to give her thicker bones to keep warm. despite this, i think shed still be kinda cold all the time due to lack of magic post head trauma and i think shed wear big fluffy thick clothes all the time. theyd have to be custom made bcs regular clothes wouldnt fit her. i think the others would borrow them sometimes bcs. big n warm. RUBY EYE HORROR HAS MY HEART N I HAVE LOVED IT SINCE I SAW IT!! so i have a whole little thing i imagine of horror right after eye removal barely alive crawling through a cave system n finding a gem and basically ripping it out of the wall and using it as her eye. this also means she can take it out. and she does do that to terrify people- ok so basically i think she still has a small amount of magic/eye where her eye was, and the gem basically magnifys it so shes able to see? but without the gem she cant see. i also think she gets motion sick really easily bcs of this. UGH MIGRAINES. I think shed get them a lot and theyd be well. *nightmares* (hahah). i think shed have something to put pressure on the cracked skull bit without damaging it to help when it hurts. I love horror picking at her skull/dead eye socket as a stim and i add, i think shed randomly like, lightly bite herself. she would definately have like a necklace or something to chew on as well. i love like. big soft caretaker horror yknow. i think shed like to hug n like, touch the others. and COOK!! Cooking and baking horror is my fav. i think shed have someone help her read the recipes and with small bits like when you have to pour a certain amount of liquid. i dont think shed have great vision- like fine for most things but reading is not her strongsuit. I think shed also have shakey hands. i dont think shed have great mobility in general but oh boy i think shed be strong. like. could bend a metal pole strong. very strong. She doesnt use magic for like. anything because it takes a big strain on her, but i think shed have a huge heavy axe, that looks like. funnily light weight when she uses it but anyone else trys to and they cannot pick it up. I think she would pick the others up. She would put stuff very high up and have to help the others get it if the need it- I also think shed be (i cant think of the word. hyperflexible? i think double jointed is what im looking for?) basically i think shed have very bendy joints that go far in the wrong way but its not really good for her or give her an advantage its just kinda. there. if they ever run low on supplies i think shes the first to try to take smaller portions/stop eating because she puts the others before her, and i think they would very much try to stop her from doing that.

i love when horrors brother is alive so i def think her brother n au would still be alive! her or one of the other gang members would bring them supplies. i think shed visit there a lot. i dont like thinking of any of them as trapped at the castle tbh, i just dont think the others have many other places theyd want to go. i think shed have one of those like. big long pillows ppl hug. I think shed process things slower and would talk slowly but the others would be patient. i think shed be quicker with sign language bcs i imagine her have better like. skeletons dont have muscles but. muscle memory than (i dont know what to call it? active memory? i genuinely dont know what its called but like actively thinking for something memory). shed put little tabs and like. stickers everywhere with pictures to remind her what is where. i think shed listen to audiobooks or. calm music and or happy music. I also think shed like to listen to music in languages she doesnt know bcs then she doesnt have to try and process the lyrics

(i have this specific type of music i think shed like that i call light music but. i have no way to describe it. it has to do with the instrumental not having as much sounds. i think? or it. sounding more light? i literally dont know how to describe it its the vibes. Impurities - Le sserafim is an example i can think of off the top of my head for the vibes) I. think about horror a lot. as you can tell- i love her.

Dust

OH BOY HERE COMES THE ANGST!!!! Killer n dust r the ones i like to make suffer the most so expect like. a lot of angsty stuff. they also r the ones that have the most like, me adding stuff story wise- anyways. oh boy trauma! this guy is. not okay. n i love him for it. but also omg he is not. I think dust would be the most physically weak. like just entirely. I think he would have a very damaged soul due to LV + Determination. i hc he has a combination of the 2, due to his determination to escape the resets, and i also love dust being the scientist of the group and. i think he would most definately experiment on his own soul in secret. anyways i think bcs of soul issues hed be very physically weak, and would probably entirely rely on magic for fighting, as well i think hed probably use it for things outside of it bcs of soul issues. i think hed probably teleport everywhere instead of walking except for very short distances, and i think hed sit or lean on things instead of standing most of the time. But magic wise? oh fucking boy, i think hes a powerhouse. i think the way deterimation n lv would change people is different for everyone, and for him? i think it boosted his magic through the fucking roof, but also made it very unstable. i think hed pass out from overusing it too much, and would have times where theres just so so much and he has no way to get it out. i think hed constantly be slightly in that state unless like. actively fighting. part of why hed use magic for everything. also i think his main weapon for any close up combat would be 2 long pointed bones he summons. hes definately the quietest of the group, i think he wouldnt talk much and when he does his voice is very quiet and scratchy. I also think of him as one of the older ones of the group. Him n cross r the older ones whilst horror would be a bit younger and killer would be the youngest. i think horror would be physically older than them, but cross and dust would actually be much older due to resets/overwrites.

Also i dont know what dust is but its not cis. i dont know why i just cant see any of them as cis LMFAO. anyways i feel like genderfluid dust fits for my ver. primarily he/they. hed def be the scientist of the group, i think hed have a lab somewhere in the basement of the castle and hed use it for so many things. i think hed experiment with his magic a lot, but also with permission get samples of the others and test things on it, to see how they react to things. i also feel like hed have some machine he built to extract excess magic/determination from himself. i also hc hed like painting. i dont think hed paint anything in particular, probably more abstract things but i think hed use it to distract himself during a flare up. i also think hed use some of his own magic to paint at times. both his lab and the painting room would be connected, and i think they would both be a mess- i think all his spaces would be messy tbh. just. stuff. everywhere. but he could tell you where pretty much anything is in that chaos- i also think hed react differently to healing bcs of his soul. I feel like although things would heal, theyd never heal "fully". theyd almost scar, but the would have like visible unhealed magic in them. i think if he had way too much magic it could accidently reopen them since they cant fully heal. he found that out the hard way. i also think theyd 'heal' much faster though, and with enough magic/high tension he could probably force them to close. He definately does not like to sleep. he probably has nightmares most of the time when he does. he is also very much the type of person to stay up a week straigh then collapse and sleep for 18 hours. the others do not like that he does that-

i think hed probably be more. self destructive? like hed shove the others out of the way to take a hit instead. or overuse his magic during fights when emotional. i think he thinks hes somewhat invicible, due to the weird way his magic reacts to injuries. maybe hes right. who knows. i definately think he zones out all the time, and dissociates. i also think hed have a bad sense of time. hed probably be very. twitchy? he jumps if anyone touches him or gets too close, and is probably very on edge a large majority of the time. i think hed also say random facts, just out of nowhere. i think he would have at least some medical knowledge as well, from a combination of experiment with his magic to testing the limits of what it can heal. i think he might be able to force others to 'heal' the way he does with enough magic, but itd be very hard so hed only do it if one of the gang was like. actively dieing. even then hed probably remove it to let them heal normally once they could. i think thatd just. fully reopen the wound if he removes his magic. his magic is weird. i also think hed be hot. constantly. like all of the time due to his magic. (horror constantly cold x dust constantly hot :3c) as well i think his eyelights would be brighter, but i also think hed be more sensative to light. idk why i just like that. I think hed have the typical genocide sans scar. but i also love the idea of him having like. tally marks. (not a metaphor way like literally tally marks) as a way of counting resets. i think about him so much omg. despite the fact theyd probably hate each other in canon my killer n dust are close, due to the fact they both have very similar experiences. (i could probably write a whole thing on that ngl) I think dust feels somewhat responsible for killer since i like dust as like. the older one of them. so dust would get really stressed if killer is hurt. ok i think thats all for now. im so normal about him (blatant lie)

Killer

OHH BOY THE OTHER ONE I LOVE TO TRAUMATIZE!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! If i traumatize them more it means i like them. i promise. i just love making them cry :D Uh pangender killer will forever be canon and real to me. hes transmasc and pangender yknow. moving on. i think killer has very bad eyesite. i hc due to the (liquid hate? corrupted determination? either works tbh but i use liquid hate) anyways bcs of it it damaged his eyelight to the point he can barely see, he can mostly just see bright lights and blurred colors, and hed probably have no peripheral vision. i think this would have been a slow process, so when he first came to that castle, though his vision was slightly worse it was much better than now. (because of course he didnt tell anyone about it until it was very bad bcs. careless). i think he would have slowly been reworking his fighting style bcs of this. During fights, he uses a blindfold/bandages/literally anything to cover his eyes, blocking out any light he could see, because of how glowly magic is it would hinder him. i think instead hed relay on 'magic detection', not really like seeing the magic, but more just being able to physically feel where magic is around him, the more magic the more 'intense' it would feel. best way i can describe it is like sound. he cant see the magic but can feel what direction its coming from. i also think all types of magic would have a slightly different feel (so like hed be able to tell dream from cross). I think inks would be harder for him to detect since the easiest amount of magic to be able to detect would be souls, and well ink doesnt have one-. i think hed fight both close up and mid range, and use a combination of magic and physical objects. for physical objects hed mark them with small traces of magic so he can find them (and aim them). i think hed probably make a habit of running his hands over everything and leaving small magic trails to help map things. I think the others wouldnt know about the vision stuff until he ends up telling nightmare and eventually telling the others. nightmare would probably not let him do missions till killer had found a way to not endanger himself (by using his magic detection stuff) I also think his fighting would primarily involve protecting his soul over all else, since its extremely vulnerable with how it stays out. I think hed be a pretty all round, with good magic and decent direct physical fighting skills. i think hed have a very energetic fighting style, a lot of movement, both from him and him moving his opponents. i also hc hed be super flexible, and would probably know a lot of 'gymnast' tricks, and would do them during fights. this man would do an aerial in the middle of a fight no questions. i think hed dislike his sould. despite not really showing it, i think hed feel weird about the fact its always out. i also think hed feel weird about wearing colours that really clash with red bcs of it, so he usually sticks to the same outfit.

OK. BASELESS HEADCANON. so. i dont know why but for a long time ive had the hc that he has a prosthetic left arm. basically yknow in underverse 0.6 fight when he gets his arm broken? imagine that but. completely broken off. i imagine itd happen in a fight where he was already tired at that point, so when it happened the arm couldnt stay formed apart of him and just dusted instantly. i have this little idea of the prosthetic having like. these tubes that connect into his arm at the top? and it runs his magic through the prosthetic, so he can control it fully. itd definately take a while to get used to but after a while he can just use it like a regular arm. KILLER IS 100% YOUNGER SIBLING ENERGY! i hc him as the youngest of the group (despite still being an adult, i think hed be younger than the average sans.) I feel like killer would be very. emotional intense. I dont think of him as fully emotionless, i think hed be like. extremely (insert any emotion here really) then just. crash. and be empty. his hate would definately run a ton at that point. also i dont think he could cry. i think if he is he only crys hate, he doesnt have the ability to cry like the magic tears anymore. i do like him being very very energetic, but i feel like hed almost purposefully try to crash his emotions before very important missions? so he would be emotionless for them. of course, this probably would not end well- i think hed also probably be self destructive, doing 'dumb' but not really dumb things, just. reckless. they work. most of the time. but sometimes he gets stupidly injured because of it. and yet he will keep doing it. i think hed listen to like. a bunch of different types of music. pop, rock, random obscure song no one but him has ever heard of, you name it!! i feel like him n cross would like to watch like, legal and cop shows. idk why but it fits them to me. i think theyd watch it with like the audio descriptions for killer, and cross would definately pause it and describe other stuff it misses (side note, i have decent vision but OMFG I LOVE THE AUDIO DESCRIPTIONS? they r so cool fr) Killer would have no consistent fashion. the only common factor is they are either work outfit (his modifyed fighting outfit) or. for fun. in which case they are extremely over the top! no straight ppl fashion here (joking tone). Rainbow decora one day, extremely gothing the next, really anything as long as it looks cool, hed try it! he definately has a large wardrobe! oh also. my version cant summon his eyelights at all, the hate ate them :(

Nightmare

fINALLY!!!! MY EXTREMELY UNCANON NIGHTMARE!!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!! any pronoun agender nightmare is here and real!!!! i dont like.. mean nightmare.... i like family bad sanses or bsp so... niceish nightmare? also i just call her mare n mainly default to she/her so. get used to that for this LMFAO uwahh,,, so i lov eher thats all (joking) SO. i think mares corruption has somewhat of a mind of its own, but its directly linked to her. the corruption would usually be solid but if shes very upset it will start dripping, and the tentacles will always be a telling sign of her mood- i honestly dont think shed fight that much. shed mainly stay to the side and moniter, but would intervein if anybody got very hurt or if the others were getting too intense SO. HER MAGIC :3c. I associate nightmare with water. like very intensely. and dream with fire but this isnt about dream- i imagine nightmare would have 3 main types of magic; her corruption magic ofc, emotion magic, and illusion magic. the corruption magic is tentacles, the general appearance, and the *slight* modifaction ability. i think she could make herself taller or shorter, and horrifyingly, move her bones arround indivudually- i think from when the apple event first happened, her body is basically completely destroyed, so if she was ever to be 'saved' or uncorrupted, she would die before it was even done. i think she can safely uncorrupt small parts for small amounts of time, but she never really does. i love shapeshifting nightmare, but for my ver, that isnt from her corruption magic, its illusion magic, so ill get to it in a minute :3 The emotion magic has 3 states id say, influencing, changing, and directly controlling. Influencing is just that, shifting emotions slightly, either negatively or positively (i hc dream and nightmare can both do both sides of emotion magic), or influencing them slightly towards something (making them calmer, happier, sadder, ect.) Note; this wont completely change the emotion, just shifting it slightly one way. shed probably use this one subconciously, and only does it on purpose sometimes. the influencing emotions can also be affected by her own. Next is directly changing them, which is. well what it sounds like. making someone whos panicking calm. making someone whos upset feel okay. directly changing their emotion, but without controlling it if that makes sense? if she makes someone whos panicking calm, but the thing that made them panic is still there, they can panic again. VERSUS! directly controlling, which is the strongest of the 3 states. this would be making someone sad and making them stay that way, or with any other emotion. this one can be useful during raid missions, where she can force the residents of the au to be calm and ignore it while the others get supplies. this one she only really uses on those outside the gang, or in very specific situations for the gang. the direct controling emotions is also very closely tied with her illusion magic, which i now get to explain :3c

So the illusion magic has a pretty self explanitory name, but i think theres a few different ways she would use it. 1, for personal shapeshifting, basically using illusions to make herself appear different. 2, illusions on others, which in itself has 2 main ways to use. she could use it the same way she does on herserlf, making them appear and look different, or she could do whats more like 'delusion' magic or mind control. basically her physically taking over their mind, locking them in a dreamlike state, whilst she is able to influence their body. i think shes mainly use this one on enemies, and not very often as it takes a lot of power. i think shed either have to touch them to be able to active it, or thru another way ill explain in a bit:3 i think all her magic would be closly tied to water. her illusions would have a watery ripple effect when they are put in place, the mind control causes a watery swirl in both her eye and theirs, i also think all her portals would have a watery effect, and if she ever teleports, the way she sinks into either like a wall or the floor to move has a watery ripple. I ALSO LOVE NIGHTMARE N DREAM HAVING DREAM MAGIC!!! i imagine there is sort of a pocket reality called the dreamscape, where the dreams physically are, in sort of like little bubbles. they would have different swirly colours convenying the tones of the dreams, and nightmare and dream would be able to enter dreams, or influence them from the realm (though the can have a more direct influence if they enter). I think the bubbles would all float around in this sort of endless flower field, and at the center would be the tree of feelings, except its now a stump, reflecting the tree of feelings in the real world. this place is definately neutral ground, and i think dream and nightmare would talk to each other here sometimes, even just for a minute. my versions dont actually hate each other, but more think the other hates them for what happened. (communication would solve so many multiversal issues im just saying).

ANYWAYS! I think nightmare would spend a lot of time in the dreamscape, just roaming, viewing dreams. and i feel like if you went far enough it would slowly start to bleed into showing things happening in the physical world. the dreamscape would be a lot darker in thoses areas. i imagine itd start to bleed into the void, which is why it shows that. i think nightmare goes there to moniter things when she doesnt want to be present physically. i think they could also take other people to the dream realm if they choose. I think itd be less of a physical realm though. I think dream and nightmare can enter it fully, physical bodies and all but if anyone else is brought their body stays in the regular world. oh i also imagine nightmare have water ripples around her feet when she walks. no matter if theres no water there, it just always happens. i imagine nightmare with burn scars on half of her bones (same side as the covered eye), bcs i love the idea of the villagers trying to burn her at the stake. i think nightmares bones look smooth and shiny mostly, but if you touch them you can feel the thousands of cracks and breaks and burns n ect. i also think shed feel cold to touch. also the goop would taste like rotten sour apples. i just like that idea.

i think shes able to touch people, but she has more influence if she does, so she trys to be careful when doing it. with that being said, i think shes touch starved!!!!! n i feel like her tentacles would constantly go towards wrapping themselves around the gang. i think she wears a crown, but its a new one she made herself. though she still has her original, hidden away. i LOVE the idea of nightmare having a shit tone of hobbies shes amazing at from having hundreds of years to learn things. ive nvr seen anyone else suggest this one but i hc shed make jewlerly. rings necklances brooches pins, her own crown, ect. i feel like shed make something special for each of the gang members. ALSO!! HERES WHERE THE OTHER MIND CONTROL METHOD COMES IN!!!! i hc nightmare would be very good at singing. but. siren style. i think she really enjoys singing, but usually only gets to do it in private or in the dreamscape, otherwise she risks controlling someone with it. however, i think the gang has little sound blockers shes given them, in case she ever need to use it on a mission. in addition, i think shed enjoy dancing, and can do it more because it has no risks. i think she definately knows a bunch of ancient styles lost to time. i also love the idea of her having a bunch things collected from over the years, tons of paintings, artworks, collectibles, so many things. i think a lot of them would be spread around the castle, but some special ones would be hidden in a small room only she had access to. i also think shed play a ton of instruments, but espcially violin! ALSO! BOOKS!! oml. books. she has. too many. i imagine her having a huge library. like im talking spanning multiple floors of the castle giant library. there is at least 2 secret book doors in it im sure. shed definately meticulously sort it. i think shed be very very organized. also. i bet she speaks like. 12 languages. 6 of which are completely outdated. also she wears a dress. i dont make the rules (i do, this is my version, i make them all. and she wears a dress-) i imagine itd be a very dark black, but like, basically floor length and very. regal looking. i think itd be slightly ripped up at the bottom as well. it would be very fancy. not pratical, but fancy. she doesnt do much fighting, it doesnt need to be practical- i think shed be very. other worldy- like, seem almost (for lack of a better word, delusional) to regular people. in reality she just. knows a lot but does not know how to properly convey herself in a way that seems normal, and she doesnt really care to either. also i think shed be up to date with modern tech, because nothing is funnier to me than the idea of nightmare texting the gang missions and ending it with a kaomoji (this is canon to my version because its so fucking funny to me-)

ok theres. theres probably more let me be honest but ive been writing for. like 3 hours. and this is already way more than i planned! but tysm, this was super fun to do!!! and now i finally have a shit ton of these written out!!!!! i need to. draw them sometime bcs of my design modifications. but anyways. if you actually read all of this i am. so impressed- TYSM AGAIN FOR THE ASK!!!! I LOVE THESE HC ASKS AND WILL GLADLY DO MORE :3c

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longeyelashedtragedy · 6 months

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2023 post

i'm struggling through this with a kind of broken keyboard (sticky M U J keys) so bear with me!

because the last month of this year has been such a fucking nightmare (that i'll be working to remove myself from come tuesday) i realized that the good things that happened this year kind of escaped me.

cause--this year was good, in ways that as always with my life cannot be seen by the outside world. it was a messy year but some things changed that i still haven't fully made sense of.

-this year i met so many cool people on here, or got closer to some other people who i'd known before. if "meeting cool people on tumblr" was a skill you could put on your resume, i would definitely feel qualified to put it on my resume, but this year i feel like i just got acquainted with a really high quality group of people (all who support different teams, too!) and that's been so much fun and rewarding as well. i always feel a bit guarded telling people that i care about them but...i do. a lot!

-this june i went on a #YOLO trip to the netherlands that i could not afford but even now when i see my charming credit card debt i have to say i have No Regerts. i got to meet two of these tumblr friends who i've been close to for long enough that they've transcended "internet friend" for me and feel like Friends I've Known a Long Time. we had such a comfortable and fun time travelling together, to a place i've wanted to visit since i was young, and the benefit of meeting Tumblr Friends in real life is that you can make sure everyone's brain needs are taken care of! together we went to see italy beat NL (feat. virg van d slur in the flesh) in the stadium and then watched croatia lose to spain in the basement of a sports bar in utrecht and they got to see that it's 100% true that i cry during the croatian national anthem before the game 😂 i got to do so many bucket list things--visit the rijksmuseum, go solo to delft and see all the vermeer places and settings of my favorite book, girl with a pearl earring (and accidentally wander into a government building looking for a church, whoops), and see the girl with a pearl earring herself for the second time, but this time at her home in the mauritshuis. also i took a lot of fun trains and like every time i go from american Big Corn Syrup and Weird Additives food to europe, everything i ate was good as fuck. and i slept in a pod for two nights! i have the opposite of claustrophobia (claustro...philia? lol) so that slapped. so great, and getting to meet up with friends who live on the other side of an ocean is so fucking special.

-LAMPARDVERSE! nuff said, but it's been an absolute blast getting to co-create it and research all the lore. this is just the beginning, long may it live!!! also thanks to you all for putting up with me blasting a white english chelsea man on your dashes. it will happen again.

-irl stuff...the most unexpected. this year i was able to comfortably become friendly with people who are quite different from me. i was confident in the parts of my personality that are Different--i had fun owning it, and i saw that people really like that person. the craziest thing was that a huge obstacle in my path was that cptsd causes me to feel physically uncomfortable around people, even people i like, aside from emotional discomfort, but the thing is when your body is getting physical danger signals they're extremely difficult to "ignore" (for a reason!) or put aside to focus on the mental stuff.

this year i just went for it--went through months of extremely draining and uncomfortable "exposure therapy" by way of forcing myself to try to stay present in conversations with people i knew i liked, even if the conversations/their presence freaked me out and drained me. (i'm not some magical uwu inspiration/good luck miracle, for anyone who might be in this situation and feel envious--i've been in intense therapy since 2013, do a lot of my own mental work in between, and take two different medications. it took me 10 years to get there! i say this cause there is no shame in the hard work.) importantly, with the people i felt i trusted enough and whose opinion of me i valued enough for them to know the truth, i just told them what was going on with me. not in any graphic detail or TMI, but i told them one of the things that has a big impact on how i present to the outside world (i suffer from trauma), what this trauma suffering looks like to the outsider (sometimes i stop talking altogether in a conversation, and not just that, but i zone out so hard that it looks like i'm not even paying attention, even though sometimes i still am), and what it means about how i feel about them/how they should take it (it means nothing at all, so please please don't take it personally)

they took this level of openness and honesty very well, and i found that telling them these limitations of mine helped to set me free. not living with the lifetime fear of being "found out," not having to worry while i was having a Trauma Moment that people were thinking badly of me and that it was severely impacting my socialization--all of this suddenly helped me start staying in the present while talking to people and while people were talking to me. and not just stay in the present but--ENJOY it. get something out of it. and, to show my work-friends that even though i have a lot of things not in common with them--that that's cool, and we still have plenty of things we do have in common

the kindness people have shown me this year after Seeing Me and getting to know me was unreal. i don't know how to process it. (this applies to you guys on tumblr too!). so many things have happened this fall and so many things were said to me that i never, ever, EVER thought i would be able to experience. i hope this lasts and i hope i can build on this in the new year.

so yeah...this year was...something alright. i'm always an even age in an even year and the evens are never as good for me as the odds (other than like, age 14. that was a good time.) but let's hope for the best.

now, i hate new year's eve/day, so let's get this shit over with!

#originals #writing this with this wretched keyboard was a nightmare #macbook keys are just scary to remove! the last thing i need is an actually broken laptop lol

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nashidakyouko · 2 years

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Oh my god I watched First Kill last week and idk what people are complaining about, it's pretty good!

I mean--big shock--it isn't the single best piece of media ever, but so what? Especially on what was apparently a shit budget.

It has good characters, some fairly interesting plots, a decent sense of humor, and some nice representation. And honestly it has a far more interesting look into a vampire who doesn't want to kill than I've seen in a long time. Even if that basic idea is pretty common, it's been handling it in a more interesting way than some crap that tries it. And that's mostly due to the interactions between the inner self, instincts, and pressures from a family that is insistent Juliette embrace her "nature." There's so much blatant manipulation and honestly I liked how it was done.

The primary relationship does progress really quickly, but I think some of that is very purposeful to drive home the Romeo and Juliet parallels and the painful ending to the season.

Plus, I hate Romeo and Juliet (I like Shakespeare, but people misinterpret R&J as an actual romantic work, and it has made it impossible for me to enjoy the source text), but by the end this actually felt like it was being more honest to the deeper themes of R&J, and to be honest to those themes the relationship virtually HAS to rush too quickly. That was part of the entire tragedy. Too hard, too fast, too young... I sure as hell hope they don't go with the double-suicide part of R&J, but having things end so badly for this season made perfect sense.

It's a perfectly good show with potential for a couple seasons, but so many people decided it was "too YA" and had "terrible CGI" and all this crap that I'm not even fully convinced is true, much less relevant to the quality of the story being told.

Also, while the world seems largely non-homophobic, there are really great scenes that SCREAM from the bad parts of the queer experience. The Severing was almost blatant Shock Therapy, for instance. I thought the exploration of homophobia through this lens was done pretty well and I somehow haven't seen anyone talking about it? (there must be people talking about it, but somehow the conversation about symbolism and themes never makes it to my dash bc most people want to pretend the show is single-layered)

Plus the whole show is literally "a vampire in love with a slayer" but hella gay.

Anyway, I really hope it gets renewed. I'd like to see what's next.

#First Kill #Calliope Burns #Juliette Fairmont #TV shows #Calliette #a wild Kyouchan appeared #vampires #meta #partially at least #representation matters

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shinjukuspiritcommittee · 1 year

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Tatsuya Satou

Artists’ works featured: https://twitter.com/WuffZombie

https://twitter.com/_55mango

https://twitter.com/JadeCoffeeCake

https://twitter.com/natokoro

And here we have the first of my OC’s opening 2023 on my blog- Tatsuya Satou. Definitely not MC4, please stop comparing them or else I’ll cry. /j

Character Name- Tatsuya Satou

Affiliation- Yoyogi Academy. Guild Currently Unknown

Bio- 3*- Underperforming Athlete: A 2nd year student at Shibuya's well known sports academy. He serves as a team manager at the school, however he doesn't have one specific club due to some dubious circumstances involving his health. Tatsuya is often found spending time with the resident dorm manager and nurse of the school, or with a peppy girl from his class. This uncertainty around not being part of a club has caused unsavory rumors to circulate regarding his enrollment. While growing up he spent a significant amount of time in and out of the hospital, and as a result he isn't too fond of most doctors.

4*- Selfless Team Manager: Tatsuya's Sacred Artifact prohibits him to use it's power for selfish intent. It's miraculous abilities may only be used for the sake of others in need. The artifact's power is rumored to have the ability to create a bridge between worlds and make amends, though it's unclear if Tatsuya is aware of it's true limits. Taking on this power has left his body in a rather feeble state, however. So he has resigned himself to a role on the sidelines and is used to keeping others at a distance so he won't burden them with his concerns. In his spare time he likes to make accessories in the hopes of one day giving it to those he can call a "friend".

Detailed likes and dislikes- Likes: Yui- They've been best friends since their early days in school. The two have always been able to set aside whatever they've got going on in order to help each other through the thick and thin of it. They view each other as siblings, with Tatsuya coming to see Yui as an older sister figure. Though he doesn't always approve of her more playful nature, Tatsuya is put at ease like whenever Yui teases him about finding a partner to settle down with.

Mineaki- Essentially his father figure and guardian. Mineaki sees to Tatsuya's regular physicals to ensure he's healthy, but also lets Tatsuya discover things for himself. Tho he's still protective at times.

Yasuyori- Two relate due to their dubious therapies with Mineaki, both tend to take on burdens of others, and Yasuyori is a strong and seemingly reliable upperclassmen- someone Tatsuya can rely on for where he feels he lacks. Yasuyori at times can mistake Tatsuya's kind gestures as something more intimate and grows occasionally flustered at them.

Dislikes: Shennong- Nothing personal, but is more pointed at the profession. Doesn't really like doctors especially those who can be rather insistent due to previous complications. (Note: Pazuzu of Ueno Beast Tamers might also fall into this category but we simply don't have enough to go on at this time.) Shennong would also chastise Tatsuya for prioritizing others before his own health.

Liked by: Yui- See above

Tetsuya- Tetsuya can respect Tatsuya's earnest nature towards his friends once he allows himself to learn about the boy, and even kind of envies him because of how much Tatsuya's schoolmates rely on him. The two have a bit of an expanded history that clearly makes Tetsuya rather upset- one that Tatsuya doesn't remember

Disliked by: Isaac- For having a similar set of circumstances but Tatsuya ultimately turning out okay if scarred.

Daikoku: To Daikoku Tatsuya is an inconvenient reminder of a particular case he'd rather do without. Tho he simply can't be rid of Tatsuya, he can avoid Tatsuya in the hopes of his misdeeds remaining a secret.

*other important friendships and relationships Oz- The two became fast friends after their experience on Field day. Oz has the strength that Tatsuya admires in athletes, while Tatsuya has the collected confidence Oz wishes to have one day himself. When the two are together they feel they can make up for what the other lacks, with Tatsuya being a calming presence for the lion and the therian being able to help his new friend. Zo- If you combined Oz and Tetsuya's reasonings added on to the fact the two make playful quipps and references at each other quite regularly.

Cthugha- Since Tatsuya's Role and Rule allow him to create miracles for others, Tat prevented Cthugha from blowing up at inconvenient times and the two bonded over their mutual wonder of the world around them. Both still don't fully know what most of the city has to offer, but the two want to experience it together.

Ibaraki- After becoming friends on Field Day, the two relate to each other for having athletes they admire more than anything in the world. Both lack the strength they need to feel adequate to their peers but are willing to go the lengths to make themselves indispensable to those most important to them.

Jacob- Though he unnerves Tatsuya on occasion with how sporadically he shows up, the two are like kindred spirits in a way. Collected individuals who simply want to spread love and compassion. Though it helps Jacob can do a lot more of the heavy lifting.

Gunzo- The two are in the same homeroom and most classes together. Tatsuya is typically oblivious to Gunzo's envy, but the two start growing closer after being introduced properly to each other during Field Day. The two often find themselves thinking about romance- something Tatsuya never considered all that seriously before.

Durga- They share a homeroom and Durga is one of the few who's very dependant on Tatsuya early on. She trusts that he'll help her get to number one through his support, though can get a bit frustrated he isn't fully a track and field manager. Besides that, the two only get closer as Tat opens himself more and more to his new friend group.

Kyuma- A first year which Tatsuya knows has so much potential ahead of him. As Tatsuya acknowledges Kyuma's talents, he has similar concerns as Mineaki does and goes out of his way to make Kyuma's training easier. While Tatsuya doesn't play a sport Kyuma still looks up to Tatsuya the same way he would the other upperclass students.

Ashigara- Though Ashi can get jealous at times Yasuyori and Tatsuya spend a bit more time together, Ashigara is the first to notice Tatsuya has health problems. Tatsuya respects his senior, but knows he has a rather short temper. Despite this Tatsuya knows Ashigara is just looking out for his friends and doesn't want to lose anybody.

Wakan Tanka- The most mysterious one since Wakan is always making comments about the two haven't spent nearly as much time together. Unpredictable too as Wakan will often find a way to get Tatsuya to have a more intense emotional response to certain things than others. Tatsuya doesn't understand, but does appreciate the attention in a way since he can tell it's earnest.

Daisuke- The two make up the Taurus Mask fanclub at Yoyogi, tho Daisuke is confident Tatsuya hasn't caught on. Even though Tatsuya HAS caught on, he wants to wait for Daisuke to be ready to confirm it. Other than that he always approaches Daisuke with patience to hopefully break that barrier one day.

Avarga- While Tatsuya is closer to Mineaki, he is quite fond of Avarga as well. Avarga meanwhile wants to protect and nuture Tatsuya since he is one of his students regardless of his position at the school.

However not every person has Tatsuya's best intentions at heart.

Perun- He doesn't dislike Tatsuya, however he only has an interest in Tatsuya if he can redirect his commitment to his duties as a manager to Perun himself. This desire for attention and worship begins to wain as he learns more about the tragedy that is Tatsuya's forgotten past.

Hildisvini- Hildisvini doesn't understand what others see in Tatsuya as he's unremarkable and for all intents and purposes a weakling. He views the boy as rather pitiable for having to rely on others and having an artifact that only works for the sake of others. (We’ll get to Hildisvini later ;) )

Attribute and Kit I'll link separate Google docs going more in depth with his kits here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sj3AMDvf3YUxuxseOZei0J3vISLp226Gbv0AAI863HI/edit?usp=sharing

and here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15W69fo25vl0Ha25CIgbxD4I2dsHP05G1c0UCzACnJwQ/edit?usp=sharing

But the general overview is that Tatsuya is a Null 3star and Valiant 4star centered around debuffing himself to buff his allies around himself while also being a unit obtainable through the event shop. I mostly designed the kit with the idea of how his Sacred Artifact works while also providing players an easy means of accessing multiple damage buffs.

Backstory- Tatsuya used to live in the Shinjuku ward back in his early childhood with his father. He had befriended Tetsuya and Kengo, however he has no memories of this due to an incident involving a number of children disappearing. Tatsuya was a victim in a series of abductions that had occurred during this time and through a series of channels found himself a victim of the horrible experiments sanctioned by the East. Though not much is clear about this time, it was clear that the experiments conducted had something to do with the game's relation to Gates, and was forced to take on an unconventional Role and Rule at an early age.

Fortunately his disappearance hadn't gone unnoticed since the abductors made one fatal error: his father happened to be a part of the police force and opened the investigation into these missing children. Eventually this culminated into an entire sting operation that stopped that specific branch of experiments- though unfortunately it didn't come without it's costs. Namely a lot of the subjects had passed away long before they were transported to any hospitals or facilities, and the ones that did survive had irreparable damage done to their bodies and minds that left them near death's door. All but one- Tatsuya. Somehow Tatsuya was able to cling to life, and was able to be properly resuscitated at a local hospital. Now normally his father would have taken custody of him once more, but that never ended up happening. People never saw his father after this operation again and for the most part this event was never covered by the media.

As Tatsuya recovered in the hospital he exhibited some concerning qualities. He had some severe memory blocks and couldn't remember anything when asked about where he came from or what happened to him. Furthermore he wasn't responding to most situations with the typical emotional responses, causing the doctors caring for him to conclude that there was something more to his condition than they can properly assess. There was a volunteer staff member that would look after Tatsuya often and would eventually grow to care for the boy. When Tatsuya would inevitably be put up for adoption, Mineaki took it upon himself to have guardianship of the now lonely boy.

His school days post-abduction were rough. Due to certain complications he spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital, as they found Tatsuya is a hemophiliac and bleeds easily despite his medical history showing no signs prior. Most of his peers growing up found him to be very strange since he rarely expressed emotions or interest in most things, and would only ever sit in the classroom during the class' free periods. There was one student however- Yui Hisakawa, who would grow very curious of the boy's bizarre tendencies. Once she actually spoke to him she found him to be a very kind boy and the two would remain friends into present day.

Other Artworks:

#tokyo afterschool summoners #housamo #OC #fan character #sfw #bio #Headcanon #HC #tatsuya #yoyogi

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scarsmood · 2 years

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Stockholm syndrome

Tw: physical, verbal, emotional abuse

I feel like the term stockholm syndrome is often misunderstood or not represented well in media. Some similar terms to stockholm syndrome are battered wife syndrome and betrayal bonding.

In the book The Betrayal Bond breaking free of explotive relationships by Patrick J. Carnes. Betrayal bonds are defined as a self abandonment, when you go through a betrayal so painful a part of you dies. Yet you can only think about how to survive instead of grieve you abandon yourself unaware. Typically attempts to numbing come first so you can keep your highly addictive attachment. Similar to drug use. These attachments affect your judgements and actions when you try to better yourself it seems to go nowhere. In a frustrating spiral you are set to run in circles. When these tactics fail it’s time to face the truth. That realization may never come for some.

An exploitive relationship is the ground work for a betrayal bond. “These occur when a vicitim bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her. Thus the hostage becomes the champion of the hostage taker, the incest vicitim covers for the parents and the exploited employee fails to expose the wrongdoing of the boss.”

Often what I see in media is a small, sad, scared person visibly beaten as the vicitm in stockholm syndrome. Killing stalking is a great example. Where the victim is seen as voiceless, helpless and completely undone. In some aspects this is true but it isn’t the full picture I would argue. Typically whats more common is two strong people enter into a toxic relationship. The trauma from this relationship lays the ground work for a betrayal bond. The victim is still strong they (from my experience) instead recontextualize their own strength to specifically benefit their abuser. Often slowly over time eroding your own concept of self until what you define as “you” is nothing left but a tool.

“Loyalty to that which does not work, or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive or destructive to you, is a form of insanity”

Carnes details what a betrayal bond looks like:

When everyone around you has strong negative reactions, yet you continue covering up, defending or explaining the relationship

When there is a constant pattern of non-performance and yet you continue to believe false promises

When there are repetitive, destructive fights that nobody wins

When others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not

When you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about you, your relationship or the person’s treatment of you

When you feel stuck because you know what the other person is doing is destructive but believe you cannot do anything about it

When you feel loyal to someone even though harbor secrets that are damaging to others

When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to a non-abuser

When someones talents, charisma or contributions cause you to overlook destructive, exploitive or degrading acts

When you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person

When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you

When extraordinary demands are placed upon you to measure up as a way to cover up that you’ve been exploited

When you keep secret someone’s destructive behaviour toward you because of all the good they have done or importance of their position or career

When the history of your relationship is about contracts or promises that have been broken and that you are asked to overlook.

The important part, You will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond

“Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will pull you back. You cannot walk away from it. Time will not heal it. Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviours will bring no relief, just more pain. No amount of therapy, long-term or short-term, will help without confronting it.

Your ability to have a spiritual experience will be impaired. Any form of conversation or starting over only postpones the inevitable. And there is no credit for feeling sorry for yourself. You must acknowledge, understand and come to terms with the relationship”

These bonds are at an intensity I don’t think most people fully understand when hearing about stockholm sydrome. What frustrates me when I look at media is how when I see portrayls it never shows the “other” methods of handling stockholm sydrome. The common trope I see is the victim completely succumsbs to the madness and becomes complacent forever. This doesn’t always happen though. If I could guess I’d say this usually never happens.

The issue with this concept is that the victim has given aware their self. Something that is extremely painful and torturous in order to be the person the abuser wants them to be. This makes it sound like one action. In my experience every action was a choice between myself and being a tool. Which makes that portrayal of stockholm syndrome feel wildly inaccurate to me. It isn’t one action and then a whistful sleep in a trance like state.

It is a constant battle between uprooting your own rights morals and actions or fighting for them. In consequence being beaten, abused, killed, drugged, what have you. Every single action is seen as a possible act of defiance. There is no whistful sleep, there is no numbling that can muffle the pain forever. No amount of dissociation can hide what is actually happening. What’s scary is you know it’s happening the entire time. Because your the one making those choices. You watch yourself slowly degrade because you want to be safe.

There is a lot of truth in watching a part of you die with no time to grieve. Grieving would abmit the abandonment of the relationship has taken a toll that the abuse has actually effected you. Instead opting to please the abuser and never coming back to those emotions leaving them in a corner to fester.

It’s not a good idea. Typically what I see the most what I hear from other survivors is what comes next. What the typical end is. Is anger.

When you cant play the game for your abuser anymore. You suddenly want yourself back so strongly you don’t care what the cost is. When you learn enough about your abuser their threats become trivial. Because you learn how to negate them. I distinctly remeber the anger I felt when I “flipped” I woke up suddenly at 3am and looked over to my abuser sleeping at the other end of the bed. Often. I’d sleep at the end of the bed like a dog to stay away from them.

I felt a strong m-shift mixing with all those buried dead emotions bubble up and I realized this was a game I couldn’t win. I attacked him while he was asleep. He had to throw me into a wall to finally stop me. He was shocked. I had never fought that hard, I had never attacked him when he was sleeping, I had never done so many new things all at once it legitimately scared him and his control over me.

I remember passing out from the fight. I never ate I barely had enough energy to stay away and lay on a bed all day. I was starving comstantly. But I wanted that feeling forever. That freedom. That taste of independence. I no longer cared if it killed me. I wanted it. I didn’t care how.

It took a year of violently fighting back. Refusing actions, getting angry at manipulation, constantly putting up a fight for him to give up. Leave. I had done it. I had finally done it. I was free.

I think that catharsis stays with me. But when I read about stockholm syndrome they never portray the victim that leaves. They portray the one that stays. It’s upsetting and insulting. I want to see the victim who kills their abuser, the one that hunts them down and finishes what they started. As so many victims do. Whether thats emotionally or physically. I don’t blame them.

Still the book is right without confrontation things never get settled. The relationship will stay alive as long as its kept alive. Without facing it you are doomed to endlessly run from it. A terrifying prospect. All we can do is free ourselves no matter how long that takes.

Victims aren’t so weak often they’re far smarter than their abuser. Working with what’s available to make ends meet. I’d like to see that representation of the conplacent but planning. The kind until they snap. The silently leaving st the dead of night when they know they can’t be caught. I wish it was more commonly highlighted how intense and courageous these acts are. Escaping death is no easy feat.

#trigger warning #abuse #abuse mention #physical abuse

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riverdamien · 1 year

Text

A Wider Rainbow!

"A Wider Rainbow!"

National Mental Health Month!

Damien of Molokai

"I make myself a lepers to gain all for Christ!"

======

"But Jesus on his part would not entrust himself to them because he knew all people. .John 2:24

---------

John 15:1-15:

"I am the true vine and my Father is the vine grower. . .This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends."

======================

a blessing for those who care about strangers

What a waste.

That wasn’t going to get you a nicer apartment.

Bless those who give their health in service of patients who might not even deserve it.

What if that patient took unnecessary risks or was selfish or was never going to say thank you? You could have been protecting yourself or God forbid, sleeping through the night.

Bless those who listen to long, winding stories from lonely hearts.

Instead of rushing off to more interesting friends.

You picked boredom or patience instead of the warmth of being known.

That was your time and you’re never going to get it back.

Bless those who loved people who weren’t grateful.

The sick who endangered your health,

The deeply boring, who know you have things to do.

Loving people can be the most meaningful thing in the world, but it can also be hard and scary and boring and disgusting or sad or anxiety inducing with zero overtime.

Thank you to all those who make these bad investments.

Those acts of love that are not going to add up to success in the way that the world sees it.

You, my darling, are the definition of love.

This blessing was inspired by my conversation with nurse and writer Christie Watson

################################

Newly published CDC data found that 1 in 4 teenagers identified themselves they were attracted only to the opposite sex; this does not include transgender, non-identifying numbers of youth.

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for young people ages 10-24 and the Trevor Project found that LGTBTQ youth are four times as likely to attempt suicide, 1.8 million and at least one every 45 seconds, and 45% LGBTQ considered attempting suicide this past year.

Messages such as the one I received today from my sister is similar to the message many youth receive from others. I have not talked with her in forty years, and she has refused to talk with me:

"River Sims

You are my brother. But the sin you live in and condone goes against what Paul wrote in Romans 1:26,27 which was inspired by God. God does not accept homosexuality. You were not born this way. You made a bad choice"

One's sexual orientation is not "chosen" it is one we come with at birth. And after ten years of tough therapy with a well known shrink I came to truly understand the words of Jesus:This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." and true mental health as:

What is good mental health? In his book, Ash Wednesday, J. R. Mabry has the Sheriff say: "If I have learned anything from my mother, Jake, it's there are no good people. There are only people in various stages of being fu. .cked up. Some less, some more."

Good mental health is the ability both to value life and to engage in a life of affirming other people and creatures and value their lives as we do our own, seeing them as independent from us. Good mental health means the ability to behave differently depending upon the circumstances and not expect every thing go our way. Good mental health is our ability to see everyone, regardless of social status, sexual identification, and color, simply as a fellow human being.

Messages like the one I received can truly hurt people, and push some towards suicide. I have had kids become suicidal and they truly do not forget them. What I have learned to do is the message of Jesus:

"But Jesus on his part would not entrust himself to them because he knew all people. .John 2:24

---------

Words hurt more than a knife. My friend and Spiritual Director Jay Swanson sent me this poem to close with:

a blessing for those who care about strangers

What a waste.

That wasn’t going to get you a nicer apartment.

Bless those who give their health in service of patients who might not even deserve it.

What if that patient took unnecessary risks or was selfish or was never going to say thank you? You could have been protecting yourself or God forbid, sleeping through the night.

Bless those who listen to long, winding stories from lonely hearts.

Instead of rushing off to more interesting friends.

You picked boredom or patience instead of the warmth of being known.

That was your time and you’re never going to get it back.

Bless those who loved people who weren’t grateful.

The sick who endangered your health,

The deeply boring, who know you have things to do.

Loving people can be the most meaningful thing in the world, but it can also be hard and scary and boring and disgusting or sad or anxiety inducing with zero overtime.

Thank you to all those who make these bad investments.

Those acts of love that are not going to add up to success in the way that the world sees it.

You, my darling, are the definition of love.

This blessing was inspired by my conversation with nurse and writer Christie Watson

#######

Fr. River Damien Sims, D.Min., D.S.T.

P.O. Box 642656

San Francisco, CA 94164

[email protected]

415-305-2124

River's Creed:

"I write because this is the way I protest".

Ministry on the streets is the way I resist, dong what I can to proclaim the Gospel of Love to every human being with out judgment."

"Now I hand down to you what has been revealed to me: that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures and he was raised on the third day according to the scriptures."

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crisishauntline · 2 years

Text

I really need to learn how to process others’ negative perceptions of me without internalizing them. I want to be able to find the truth in the most unfair criticism—I believe there is always room to grow, and almost always a way to make amends. But I want to look for that uncomfortable truth without collapsing in on myself because one person’s judgement suddenly becomes ironclad proof that all my harshest self-loathing thoughts are true.

I think I did a decent job at that balancing act tonight when I talked with my housemate J. There were a couple brief moments when my eyes welled up, but I didn’t cry. I definitely struggled to just listen and accept without defending myself—but I honestly don’t think I played the victim or manipulated him, despite his accusations. It’s not just about whether we like each other or not; we see relationships in fundamentally different ways. He is very transactional and processes everything through a lens of obligation and gain. I am rooted in a desire for connection and community, so I find it frustrating when he emphasizes how he doesn’t “have to” empathize or even engage with me if there’s no clear benefit to him. In other words, he sees me as someone who has nothing to offer him. I want to prove that I do offer something of value as a friend and community member, and simply wish he would give me the chance to do that. But then he just says he doesn’t “have to” give me that chance.

And no, of course he doesn’t! No one “has to” do anything for anyone. The point is that we choose to, no? The point is that collaboration and community are ends in themselves, because they get us out of our selves and into service and solidarity. And that means something because radical abundance blossoms from the death of profit, mutual aid from the death of individualism, diversity and balance from the death of identity. Those are what my values are, at least, and I don’t think it’s wrong or manipulative to hope that others will treat me with the same patience, empathy, and good faith that I extend to them. I want others to want to help me grow just as much as I want to help them grow.

But in the end, he’s right. If the meaning of community depends on it being chosen, it likewise depends on some people not choosing it. So J gets to choose not to be kind or patient with me, not to grow with or even acknowledge me. It hurts, but it doesn’t make all his justifications for that choice true. It doesn’t mean I am a spoiled, weak, manipulative, narcissistic, hypocritical, judgmental, ignorant know-it-all. It can just mean that he and I are not aligned. And his rejection is part of the equation that allows others who are more aligned with me to choose me, if/when they do.

The funny thing is I don’t even like him either! And it’s not just a bitter grapes situation—I genuinely find his selfishness and judgmental shit-talking both unpleasant to me and unhelpful to humanity on the whole. But hey, he doesn’t have to help. And while I can’t make him choose me, I can choose to accept it and move on rather than destroy myself with people-pleasing or self-loathing behaviors. I can choose to be in community with myself.

I think J being a person I dislike actually makes this good practice for grappling with RSD in my real friendships. Even though I clearly still care about what he thinks of me—so much so that I’m up at 4:30am journaling about it—ultimately, he isn’t someone I love or admire, and I don’t trust his emotional intelligence. I do want him to love, admire, and trust me, but if I take a step back from that desperate urge to seek approval, I don’t think winning his favor would necessarily prove I was a better friend or better person. So why would not getting it make me a bad person?

I am choosing to frame this experience as some intermediate-level exposure therapy to teach me how to handle the real fuckin torture of being ghosted and written off by the people I love and admire most. That’s the lesson I obviously still need to learn, because it keeps fucking happening and it hurts like a white-hot knife to the throat every time!

#conflict resolution #rejection sensitive dysphoria #rejection #depression #anxiety #anxious attachment #recovery #personal #social life #healthy boundaries

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dismantledandrearranged · 2 years

Text

15 sept 2022

In 7th grade, that may have been when R moved for the first time(first out of the city, then 1 or 2 yrs later across the country). R never went to the same school as me, but N always was in school with me. I stopped hanging out with N at the end of 6th grade. In 7th grade, I started hanging out with the two girls H and S, H I knew from young elementary school. And I hung out with C and A and L, who were in a completely different friend group. I think I met them in Algebra. A was quite girly, and she was the first friend I had who would date guys. I had a friend named S who I thought was talking behind my back about my friends talking shit, so I threw gas on the fire an uninvited her to my Halloween party in front of my friends. I felt awful bc she was crying to her mom later about it and how I called her a bitch and my mom talked to me about it. I was trying to set a boundary, and I thought it was okay to do a well intentioned thing in a bitchy manor, because what she did makes it okay. And because everyone else is a bitch especially in middle school. When is one bitchy thing wrong and one is dismissed? Did her mom know she was talking shit on my friends? But then again was my friend lying? Middle school is wild lol. I guess I was going on this tangent because I after R moved away, and that sense of true raw childhood play is comepletely gone, I knew. Friendship would be different. I had no idea what it was supposed to look like. What do people talk about if they aren't making up stuff? Thinking up really interesting and perplexing stuff? What the fuck do people spend the majority of their lives communicating with someone about ????? And honest to fucking god that question I still ask myself to this day. How the hell do people make friends? What do y'all talk about after you are acquaintances, after you know the basics, but you are not close enough to just come over and get stoned and stay up late acting like goofballs in the kitchen? But especially romantically. It's been so long since I have been in love and it fucking breaks my heart how scary it is to imagine the reality of dating and getting to know someone and falling in love, but i want it so fucking badly. I miss it, and I feel much more ready, much more accepting of the fear. My First relationship absolutely fucked me UP, shattered me into a fine dust, and I've been here in the 4-5years since putting every fucking piece back together. But I will take a moment to acknowledge my growth and give myself a huge round of applause. I am afraid of love, but I more afraid of letting the fear consume me, of letting it win. I am mad. I want it back. I want that part of myself back, it belongs to me. I am mad because my peace and trust was ripped away, and I am redefining what those mean for myself and recreating them for myself. I trust I can take care of myself. I've done it for this long, and I have proven to myself my strength over and over aain. I am an unstoppable force, and I believe it. I know what I can handle, but I am tired of having to handle shit that is unnecessary. Heal from unecessary pain. I Also do not need to hurt myself by isolating myself, keeping people at a distance because it feels safe. How do I just relax? Breathe slow down, and just release and be, unwind. How? I can do those things but everything is blank and i feel through my thoughts, not my heart. I try to remember and act on what I know about my emotions and my heart, but how the fuck do I actually act on my heart says when my heart is so scared she leaves the room. I am so sick of being scared. So fucking sick of being scared. I was obsessed years ago with healing and healing and therapy and HEALING and it added to the pain in it's own way. Then I dated again and it feels so empty. Which is what brings me here. What is love? How do I know if im in love, when I can't trust that feeling, it always fizzles out once I get with them, ever since my first ex J. I want to trust the love I feel for someone.

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csmeaner · 2 years

Note

You cunts want more of Retrokaiju's horrendous designs??? Here you go! More floating tits! https://f2.toyhou.se/file/f2-toyhou-se/watermarks/31194938_CT57JE7mH.png?1641604664 |https://f2.toyhou.se/file/f2-toyhou-se/watermarks/37532333_90K8pDzx0.png Also the fucking watermarks are annoying as shit!!!!!!!!!! https://f2.toyhou.se/file/f2-toyhou-se/watermarks/48090117_YixL3ixcG.png https://f2.toyhou.se/file/f2-toyhou-se/watermarks/35777280_vFQ9HZ9w8.png?1623205055 https://f2.toyhou.se/file/f2-toyhou-se/watermarks/35777190_0cvWyUkvo.png?1623199462 https://f2.toyhou.se/file/f2-toyhou-se/watermarks/33817263_47VEb7eRu.png https://f2.toyhou.se/file/f2-toyhou-se/watermarks/46621434_HlqY3z4r3.png

if retrokaiju makes another fucking post telling me to get out of my mom's basement im billing you all for the therapy bill that'll entail/j

is this a fucking Loona from Hazbin Hotel inspired furry. i also haaaate the weird sucked in stomach they seem to give their feminine designs. also the head's way too fucking big it's throwing me off

wait this one is worse it's so much worse. the boobs are fucking made of plastic suction cupped to the chest and the jacket looks terrible like it's made of vinyl plastic. they love eyeburning colors too yet i feel they missed an opportunity to color the nails because with the white-ish fur they segment the hand in weird ways, along with the fact the pawpads are fucked up? i don't get furries. the sucks in stomach thing again

i thought this was lineartless entirely until i accidentally zoomed in turns it it does have lineart but like all the rest it's weightless to the point it disappears. another tail thicker than the entire rest of the body this one looks fucking swollen too like there's something actually wrong with it, only to end in some glaring checkerboard and then neon purple spade tip. the colors in this one just don't gel well either. it's all so saturated in the same value that it appears incredibly flat, which isn't helped by the weakass lineart and no shading whatsoever. a crumb of life in these, please i beg you

this one's pretty good actually because, behold, there aren't a crapton of the same saturated values fighting for your focus. it's a mainly dark design but with the loud color pops on the extremities it makes them stand out better and also make them more interesting. only thing to note is the legs are very hard to make out and I had to zoom in and squint to realize why the back legs were overlapping weirdly

by waterdog standards this one would rock pretty hard actually because there's more depth in the tail than a single layer. in turn it goes back on the other problems with the other designs. idk why the back legs are creme colored and in turn don't mach the rest of it that well. the triangle's a good idea of holding space they just look lazily tacked on but this is a design i would actually buy

i've no clue where the golden spades behind the arms come from but they're here. the poses in these are so undynamic or interesting which i get because they're for references but they're bad at that aspect too with so many overlapping parts and inability to differentiate things from each other, like the gold claws from the gold spades, to the pure black legs with the black tail behind it. also the teeth if zoomed in on look like they don't even follow the angle of the face

their true passion. sparkledogs. cool scale texture you must love it because it's on just about every fish tailed adopt you've made so far. also the skeleton part of the tail is so short it would've looked better if instead of being 1/2 through it was further down. or just not add it because it doesn't look like it exists in enough space to justify it being there. almost disappointed at the lack of gold accessories too since for once it'd fit. also another i'd actually buy possibly but i'd redo the tail probably everything else is fine

#retrokaiju #design shitting

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scribbledghost · 2 years

Text

Truth

Pairing: Older Agent Whiskey x Younger Reader (no Y/N, gender neutral)

Rating: T

Word Count: 1,244

Warnings: age gap (reader is in their 20s), heavy make out, discussion of relationship, probably OOC Jack, pure wish fulfillment for the author :)

Notes: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my Whiskey is Canon Whiskey but he’s been to therapy. We talk about feelings here, sir.

He shouldn’t be doing this. He really shouldn’t be doing this. Especially in his own damn office, of all places.

But he couldn’t help it. And deep down, in his heart of hearts, Jack knew he’d do it a lot more than once, if you’d let him.

He’d had his eye on you as soon as Champagne had introduced you as his new admin assistant. Even more so when Champ had told him that you could help him out as well with any tasks that he needed done. Over time, he’d found himself yearning for your presence more and more, calling you away from Champ for aid so much that Champagne once teased Jack about stealing his assistant. Little did he know how true that statement was.

You were younger than him by a decent stretch. Here he was in his early 40s, and there you were in your 20s. It was an age gap that would draw looks, even without adding in the fact that he was technically your superior at work.

But neither of you seemed to be able to resist the pull of the other. The two of you danced around each other over and over, desperately attempting to ignore how you felt, until it had culminated in… this.

You, seated on his desk, with Jack between your legs. His hands running along your sides beneath your shirt, your hands buried in his hair as he kissed you like his life depended on it.

He certainly felt like it did, anyway.

Jack finally found enough willpower to part from you and leaned his forehead against yours as his hands stilled. Yours moved from his hair down to his shoulders, gripping the suit jacket material they found there.

“God,” he said as he breathed out a laugh, “what’re we doin’, sweetheart?”

“I… I dunno,” you replied with an equally breathy laugh. “Is it bad that I don’t want to stop though?”

Jack was sure the smile he gave was seven shades of smitten.

“Only if it’s bad that I don’t wanna stop either.”

You grinned at him then, your hands moving back up to his hair as you pulled him in.

Within moments the two of you were back to where you’d left off. The world around you ceased to matter, as did the fact that he was technically making out with his boss’s (and technically his own) assistant that was over a decade his junior.

In his office.

In the middle of the workday.

At least his colleagues had long since learned to knock whenever his office door was closed.

Still, as he brought his hands up your side and brought your shirt up with them, something in Jack’s mind stalled. He couldn’t quite pinpoint his hesitation, until you sighed into his mouth.

He liked you. Really, truly cared for you. This… thing you’d both stumbled into, whatever it was, was leagues different than any of the other clandestine relations he’d ever had. He’d never had feelings for any of them, never really cared what happened after he’d “loved and left” them, so to speak. But you?

You were different. You were someone he wanted to see again. And again. And again. He didn’t want you to simply warm his bed or the surface of his desk for a few hours. He wanted more.

And that meant he couldn’t approach this in the same way he had the others before you.

“Hang on, sugar,” Jack said softly, pulling back and replacing your shirt. He placed his hands on your hips and gave you one last chaste kiss on your lips before he looked at you.

“I… is everything okay?” you asked, hands on his biceps. You were nervous, he could tell.

Truth be told, so was he.

“Yeah, darlin’, everythin’s fine,” he said softly, watching as you deflated slightly in relief. “I just… I just don’t wanna get too deep in this ‘fore we talk about what this even is.”

You gave him a smile laced with sadness.

“I know, this is just a one-time thing. You don’t have to say it.”

Jack’s brow furrowed.

“Whaddya mean?”

“I’ve… I’ve heard the stories, Jack,” you said softly. “I know how this works. You’ll pick someone, share a night, then go on your way. It’s alright, no shame in that. Truth be told, I… I’m just glad you picked me. Even if it is just for a day.”

Oh, how he hated his reputation. Especially in that moment.

“Baby, no.”

Now it was your turn to furrow your brow.

“This ain’t… I mean…” Jack fumbled. “That’s not all I want outta this. Unless… unless that’s all you want?”

You tilted your head, casting your gaze aside for a moment before returning it to him.

“Tell me what you want first,” you said, “then we can… figure it out.”

He nodded, trying to piece together his thoughts.

“There’s… there’s a lot you don’t know ‘bout me yet, sugar,” he said. “An’ I promise, I’ll tell ya in time. Just know that this whole ‘more than one night’ thing is… new to me. Been a right long time since I’ve had it. But that’s the thing. I want it. Didn’t realize quite how bad I wanted it until you came along. The more we talked, the more we were together, I just…”

He closed his eyes and felt your hand cup his cheek, encouraging him to continue.

“Remember that time over in Colorado?” he asked. “You went with me for some business conference. Middle’a winter. All the trees an’ mountains were covered in snow, and you couldn’t stop talkin’ about how pretty they were.”

Jack’s eyes opened to find you staring at him softly, a look on your face that he immediately matched.

“I think I knew then that I wanted more’n just a one night stand,” he admitted. “I wanted to take y’out on dates. Curl up with you by the fireplace when it got cold. Take ya back to see those mountains. I wanted to kiss you goodnight and tell you good mornin’ when I woke up next to you.”

“Jack…”

“That’s what I want,” he finally said, “but only if you want all that too. I… I know I’m older, an’ I don’t want you to think I’m tryin’ to take advantage of ya or nothin’. You’re an adult, you can make your own decisions. And if that decision is to… just have some fun then go find someone your own age, then… then I accept that.”

Jack looked at you, small and vulnerable as he waited for your answer. At first, he couldn’t read your expression. He could only watch as you looked him over and gently pet at his hair.

“I want what you want,” you finally said. “I mean, I want all of that stuff, too. I think I have for a while, but I couldn’t say for how long.”

He released a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“We’ll have to… discuss some boundaries,” you said.

“Of course. Anythin’ you want, darlin’.”

Jack would go out right that minute and spend the rest of the day trying to lasso the sun out of the sky if you told him you wanted it.

“For now,” you said softly, “I think what I want is for you to kiss me again.”

He smiled so widely he felt his cheeks ache.

“Well then, who am I to deny my sweetheart?”

#agent whiskey #ghost scribbles #agent whiskey x reader

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tamewkii · 3 years

Text

"this is fun, let's do it more often"

summary: they love everything they do with you, but they have their favourites

my hero academia: tamaki, katsuki, shoto, mirio, denki

content: fluff!. gn!r. hc sort of

j's thing: hi, it's been a while. I hope this isn't shitty or I'll throw myself away, again. reblogs are very appreciated

mha m.list . general m.list

— TAMAKI AMAJIKI

listening to each other's rants and sometimes while music plays in the background. he loves venting or ranting to you, and you did the same, you always end up search for each other after a rough day even though your best friends were always there for you guys, they eventually understand and let you guys do your thing. neither of you guys felt comfortable ranting to each other at first, but it keeps going and both of you started ranting to each other as if it's a routine. you both agreed to call it 'free therapy' which it is, sort of.

— BAKUGO KATSUKI

training together, winner gets a kiss. always down for a challenge, even better when he wins, gets the prize and the prize is a kiss, mostly because he will almost never ask for kisses until you go for it. sometimes will purposely lose but ends up losing three times in a row, he was hella furious and gets a little out of hand. he made this game out of boredom while being in the middle of his clingy arc, as said earlier, he will almost never ask for kisses and training clears his mind, just a little though and he'll go back to Bakugo I-want-you-to-kiss-me-but-I-won't-tell-you-so-take-the-hint Katsuki.

— SHOTO TODOROKI

eating together while talking about your day. usually would not give a shit about the world when he's currently munching on his food, but you? he'd give his cold soba to you instead. none of you guys had a thought on making these, well probably just a little thought but not much, it was like a missing piece you didn't know you both needed. he lets your words sink in and will probably take note of it so it'll come in handy one day, you do the same though he won't talk that much, you both appreciated these little moments.

— MIRIO TOGATA

watching movies as you sit in his lap so he can cuddle you. this man loves hugging and gives the best hugs, but doesn't do it to anyone, he has probably only hugged his parents and tamaki a few times. when he thinks about getting a significant other he always dreams about hugging them, and you made it come true. the fun part is you'd let him hug you anytime, he's fine if you need some alone time or don't like physical touch though. cuddles and movies? a combo he would die for, only knew that this is something he's missing because you thought of the idea, he abruptly said yes.

— KAMINARI DENKI

walking around, preferably the park, while holding hands. he doesn't wanna be bothered by anything at times and wants to spend time with you, and only you. it started on a weekend, you decided to call Kaminari and told him to go to a little park and he agreed and not wary of what's going to happen, well he's missing you anyways, why bother asking? once you saw each other, you were both thrilled. you both chatted till who knows how long and bought ice cream in the end, like some cliché romance movie you held onto his hand and roamed around not knowing where to go, he was the one guiding though, just so he can hold your hand longer.

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mysteryfleshpit · 4 years

Text

Q&A 003

@evasive-breakdancing asks:

In the Incident Report, you mention extremities surfacing near the orifice. Can you elaborate on what the limbs looked like?

The event was very traumatic to the people living in and around central west Texas and was documented in a variety of ways. Of particular merit is the painting entitled “Limb Rising Near Midland” from 2015, which depicts a striking portrayal of one of the limb extremities of the superorganism emerging during the early morning of July 5th, 2007. While the event happened at night, the scale and destruction captured in the painting is reflective of the tragedy as felt by those who lived through it.

@joysweeper asks:

Is it true that the restaurants in the Lower Visitor Center served meat carved from the living flesh of the Pit itself and cooked in its juices, or was that a marketing gimmick?

While there are hundreds of urban legends circulating around about the park serving flesh from either the Superorganism or any of the myriad of wildlife within it, these rumors are completely untrue. No restaurant within the Mystery Flesh Pit National Park ever served these items, for two main reasons: 1) Pit Flesh, as well as flesh from virtually every species found within the park, was and is notorious for its very tough and oily texture which is quite unpleasant. Even when cooked with a generous amount of seasoning, the mineral-like flavor of the fleshpit meat was a very tough sell to even the most adventurous foodies. And 2) After 1980, intentional, unauthorized damage to either the superorganism or wildlife within the superorganism constituted felony trespass and destruction of government property. No vendor granted an operating license within the park would dream of invoking such a severe sanction for such a relatively worthless prize.

@cumaeansibyl asks:

What kind of information do we have about pre-Columbian ritual practices centered around the MFP? Was any of that research able to continue post-containment?

The extent of our knowledge of pre-Columbian cultures relation to the Pit is heavily based on the few (publicly available) records of the ruins adjacent to the Entry Orifice. From what we know, there was definitely an advanced awareness of the Superorganism among local and/or ancient cultures. How this awareness manifested is unknown. Some scholars speculate that the pit may have been a focus of worship, possibly involving sacrificial offerings. No evidence of ancient cultures descending into the pit has ever been found, but this doesn't definitively rule out pre-Columbian expeditions. The controversial discovery of early colonial Spanish armor within the sand gullet seems to dispel the common notion that complex technology is required to descend at least that far into the pit.

@brainy-twilight asks:

You said that some people were recovered from compound surface fauna. How many were 'successfully' removed? Are any still alive today?

While HIPAA and similar regulations prevent me from finding out exactly how many people even suffered amalgamation, It's estimated that fewer than half a dozen ever survived the treatment process to recovery. “Recovery”, though, is a loaded word here. The “treatment” co-developed by Baylor Medical Center & the Anodyne Corporation was highly dependent on the nature of the amalgamation, and seems to have been most successful with combined masses containing only human tissue.

The procedure for treatment involved removing the brain and as much of the spinal cord as possible from the amalgamation. When possible, extraction of other organs such as eyes, cochlear tissues, tongues, and larynx would later enable the “recovered” patient a sensory experience much closer to that which they had previously enjoyed, since medical technology is even still unable to replicate the organic sensory quality of human sensory tissues. However, the difficulty and cost of this additional procedure all but ensured that this rarely took place.

Once extracted, the brain of the individual patient would be placed in a nutrient salve and connected to a proprietary interface and life-support system developed by the Anodyne company. A rudimentary computer-based system could be used to communicate with the recovered patient after several months of therapy, and in some cases individuals were reportedly able to use vocorders to synthesize speech. It is unknown how many (if any) of these individuals are still living today.

Anonymous asks:

Is Anodyne still operational? (the company)

Anodyne was formally dissolved in 2009 following its bankruptcy filings, with its remaining debts and liquidation being managed by the reorganized Permian Basin Recovery Corporation. Through nebulous political machinations, the Permian Basin Recovery Corporation was awarded an exclusive and indefinite contract to oversee the management of the Superorganism Containment Project. Today, the PBRC continues many of the same extraction operations that the Anodyne Corporation did before 2007...

@lost-forest-heart asks:

What exactly is a gasp owl?

Gasp Owls / Suckling Sprites / Bugguns are all names given to the same peculiar type of animal found in deeper portions of the Mystery Flesh Pit's anatomy. They are very elusive and are one of the least-studied fauna within the Park, with very few living examples surviving in captivity long enough to study.

They are believed to be descended from an avian ancestor, though this is speculation at best. The name “Gasp Owl” is a reference to the characteristic labored breathing which plagues these small and curious creatures.

Many tourists and park staff would erroneously report having spotted the fabled “Marrow Folk”, when in reality they had stumbled upon a small brood of frightened Gasp Owls.

Anonymous asks:

After the disaster were the emergency phones still working? If so could they be called or called from still?

Yes, after the 2007 catastrophe, efforts were made to re-establish a communications network within the Mystery Flesh Pit which included the many trail emergency phones, though the greater percentage of them have remained unused since 2007 and have likely been overtaken by growth.

@pretty-art-i-really-like asks:

what are the stories behind some of the memorial sites found in the park, such as the Gatti Circus Tragedy memorial, and the Fred J. Agnich memorial dam?

The Circus Gatti Tragedy Memorial commemorates the 1976 tragedy in which the traveling entertainment group Circus Gatti was scheduled to perform a daring high-wire stunt show directly above the then under-reinforced entry orifice as part of a publicity stunt. During the performance, several chimpanzees, which had been scheduled to perform, became panicked to the point of disrupting an ongoing routine by a troupe of clown stunts-people.

While the soft flesh of the pit throat cushioned the performers fall, an unexpected stretching of the moisture crops allowed them to slide down into a then-unreinforced area of the pit.

Rescue personnel were able to locate the performers inside a digestive sac a few hours later, but by that time, all 50 stunts-people had already begun being digested by the pit. Rescue personnel cut them out, correctly guessing that many were still alive. An experimental antacid spray was discharged on top of the gooey, shrieking mound, but it was too late.

Instead of reducing the acidic effects on the partially-digested bodies of the performers, the experimental compound flash-calcified into the “Circus Clown Chymus” formation that appears on the trail today. The Memorial was constructed in 1986 to commemorate the 10-year anniversary of their deaths.

The Fred J. Agnich memorial dam was so named to commemorate the legacy of Texas Statesman Fred J. Agnich, a vocal proponent of the Texas State Parks.

#mystery flesh pit #mystery flesh pit national park #cosmic horror #lore #worldbuilding #horror art #horror writing #body horror #unreality

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