#literally meant to be in therapy because of it
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I relate to Click-Clack. From Dinotrux. The one with severe anxiety who's scared of everything.
#dinotrux#dinotrux click-clack#click clack#Click-Clack#I probably should not relate to him#but like-#I have major anxiety#literally meant to be in therapy because of it#but nah fuck therapy#it's actually cus social anxiety went nope
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i just think you deserve eternal happiness actually. funny and actually nice. u are jesus. anyway No pls i AM AFRAID u are simply too cool and i cant deal
#“cant deal” im a millennial at heart x#ok no i love u though#asks#mewtuals#blah blah!#ok im talking here u asked for this basically im going insane theyre so fucking stupid like i know im the one who made them but they keep#NOT SPEAKING anf its so annoying like can you stop being teenage boys and start knowing how to fucking SPEAK#also i am NOT being a creep i dont focus on it its literally not mentioned but theyre in college okay.#well one of them is#no wait both of them are Sorry i tell a lie#anyway its pissing me off like dude can u grow UP and be COOl omg its makign me mad like i could literally just make them know but also im#obsessed with making it “realistic” (its literally rpf girl) and like i dont wanna go to the opposite end of the spectrunm and make them ha#all that therapy speak like omgmfgnfkjnhkj its making me mad.#and like ?? i wasnt coming out in 2007 omh wait no wrong time i cant do times I WASNT COMING OUT IN THE 2000S IS THE POINT#SO HOW AM I MEANT TO KNOW JOW THST WOULD GO OMFG#imgonna bite someone im so mad#like i just checked it's 25593 words.#TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY THREE WORDS. THAT IS RIDICULOUS#FUCKING NOTHING HAPPENS IM HONNA THROW UP#but also im obsessed w word count so im hesitant to dlete ...#no ok all scenes are important i think but uuugggggghhhh LIKE OMDGFNJGNFJNH#anyway im so mad like can u just stop being stupid dude im gonna beat myself up#no because like why did i start this. what relevance does this have to anything.#it is. to be fair to myself. i think the best thing ive ever written though#so#everything is FINE and i am a okay
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Dealer, Stevie Nicks / Yellowjackets
#yellowjackets#yj#yj posting#web weaving#natalie scatorccio#travis martinez#javi martinez#natalie both wanting to die thinking she willed it to be picked but wanting to live in spite of everything too#wishing she hadn’t run at all if it meant javi and travis were safe and together#someone get this girl real therapy because she has more survivor’s guilt than anyone (don’t take me literally ik shauna and jeff okay)#suffice it to say her heart tattoo is probably in memory of javi
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aftermath
I did it! I managed to draw Michael angst!
This literally took me seven hours
#the backstory for this one is the thing mentioned in ch 4 blips. i might write a proper aftermath chapter at some point idk#though i'm not interested in writing the event itself play out#but in essence it's a csa situation while he's in foster care perpetrated by an older foster sibling#which is meant to be the culmination of michael having the idea that his boundaries won't be respected pushed on him again and again#and it's meant to point to the failure of literally every person who could have stood in the way of this happening#something something abuse victims becoming easier targets later#also intended to disrupt his life really intensely because like. it's never HAPPENED before#he doesn't have even maladaptive coping skills ready for this#someone get him therapy please#fnaf#michael afton#mike's actual art#cw abuse#cw csa mention#in the tags
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Once again rotating Zach Barns shitty experiences post labryinthia (whenever the fuck he decides to leave)
#specifically thinking about the concept of Halloween#Zach barn getting scared shitless during Halloween when hes invited to a Halloween party of some sort#(he literally just brought his old knight costume (ppl judged him for his lil pant things just a little bit))#His roommate (NPC number 2353) explaining the concept of witches in folklore and how ppl dress up as them for halloween#And hes like ?????????????????????????? but witches are literally just real-life woman?????????#((his roommate proceeds to sit him down to talk about misogyny when he meant it in a 'oh-this-is-how-it-worked-in-labryinthia' way))#(((side note: he needs to learn how to deconstruct his misogyny so badly like he lived in misogyny town because was slurpin misogyny juice)#(((he does learn basic respect by the end of plvspw but he still got a LOT of steps to go with that post-labyrinthia imo)))#him getting really fucking confused about why witches usually have a black hats on when all of his witches wore purple cloaks#and they sat in their lil mansion in the middle of the woods stirring who-knows-what-substance (silver misogyny juice)#him learning that ppl actually physically go LARPing and that his whole time in labryinthia was literally just a big LARPing experiment#by an old man who refused to give his daughter therapy#and instead caused a lot of people an incredible amount of trauma#anyways im getting off track im just rotating that in my brain this Tuesday night
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call me a hippie dippie bleeding heart socialist but I think if we’re willing to try assisted suicide to deal with mental illness without trying just giving people money so they don’t have to work first, I think that’s kind of evil. but that’s just me.
#cw ableism#cw eugenics#i approve of legal assisted suicide but like for people who are actually beyond help#i don’t believe that something as plastic as the human brain can be impervious to even the most drastic attempts at changing it#have psychedelic therapies been tried? ECT? literally anything but death?#i don’t know because no one linked any sources#i realize it may sounds heartless to suggest something like electroshock before euthanasia but like#when i was so mentally ill that i would gladly consider assisted suicide i would have consented to having my brain fucked up in any way#if it meant it might reboot back to something close to normal#or even just dull my pain#tw suicide#cw euthanasia
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local man discovers he's gotten into the habit of using DBT techniques without actually being taught them because at some point he realised that the things we get the urge to do when we have strong emotions often aren't healthy and that he doesn't like how he feels afterwards so he started noticing when that was happening and going "fuck that shit" and doing the opposite instead
#personal#thoughts#Lucy post#talking to 🍬 about various stuff we do because of our social anxiety and what are probably undiagnosed BPD symptoms#and we realised he's gotten himself into the habit of paying attention to how his emotions affect his judgement#and trying to take a step back when he's experiencing an emotion that he knows gives us the urge to do stuff that's not healthy for us#and he said he felt bad about having those emotions and urges to do unhealthy stuff#at which point I was like ''okay but you're choosing not to act on that and to take a step back and do something healthier instead#which is what actually matters here and is also something that takes a hell of a lot of self-awareness and self-control''#this is shit they teach you in therapy that's difficult specifically because you're going against your brain's instincts for a situation#and we were never taught how to do it so you've just fucking taught yourself to do it instead#without actually knowing it's a specific technique that has a name#I was aware of it but had never actually looked at the instructions properly because when I stumbled across it#it was at a point where being told to go against what my emotions made me want to do felt invalidating and upsetting#I've literally just pieced together that ''oh right that's what that is and how it's supposed to work#and how it's meant to feel when you do it right''#anyway all this is to say that I keep being impressed with the amount of progress 🍬's made on learning healthy coping mechanisms#including things I could never seem to get the hang of when I was fronting more and handling more stuff#and I'm really proud of him and 🦋 and everyone else who's been handling stuff within the system and keeping things running#but also nobody in here seems to realise how much progress they've made with anything until someone else points it out#I just realised I should tag this as#happy posting#because I'm talking about stuff that's going well and where we've actually made a lot of progress
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This is the only way to express how I'm feeling
#i try not to talk about my home life on here but im honestly so fucking frustrated that if i dont get this out i might just kill someone#my family car broke down in January of this year#my father refuses to get a new one because he thinks hes saving so mucj more money and he doesnt feel like he has any incentive#acting as if he was giving us free trips#i would literally pay him 100 dollars a fucking week to help take me in and out of work#and he just doesnt like acknowledge that at all#so now im having to take ubers to and from work every day. each trip is like 20+ dollars so that 40+ dollars a day five days a week#im averaging spending 200 dollars a week jusy to get into work#and i work a minimum wage shitty fucking job so all of my paycheck goes straight into ubers and fucking therapy every week#ive had to skip so many sessions becaause theyre all 50 dollars after insurance#and im just so frustrated#i want to move out so bad but how can i save enough if im constantly hemorrhaging cash#the only reason hes saving money is because he fucking works from home#i just dont know what to do at this point i feel so helpless#becayse even if hou casually bring it up my dad immediately assumes youre ATTACKING him and how DARE you and im tited im so fucking tired#how am i meant to move out in these conditions#how am i meant to do anything#i have no fucking social life because i literally just cant afford it im going to cry#i hate him. i hate my dad so fucking much#vent#ig.#scringee mouth
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hm. i think i am going to stop going to counseling. he does not understand me. he pathologizes things that are not pathological.
#purrs#the premises of counseling / therapy are that you need to have boundaries and be self sufficient and fully healed. FUCK THAT! relationships#are not transactions. we are allowed to need each other. we are allowed to blur lines. we are human and messy. our thoughts and feelings ar#PRECIOUS. im not letting go of my thoughts they mean EVERYTHING to me they are the key to the WORLD. im not letting go of redacted why on#EARTH would i stop redacteding to redacted that is HELPFUL for me. i don’t CARE about the roots. who the fuck is it hurting????? NO ONE!!!!#the way he flat out told me he agrees with my mom. bitch im done forever. im done literaly forever. i don’t know how to tell him but im don#forever. maybe it’s just my id which is what he said to me LMFAO and like maybe i just don’t like being uncomfortable or facing hard truths#but i don’t fucking think it’s TRUE!!!!!!!!!! yeah i need to grow yeah i have unhealthy behaviors. but i don’t need to let go of the whole#THING bc of some arbitrary transactional concept of what relationships are supposed to be / mean. ive NEVER had a counselor try to uproot t#the whole damn thing like omg what is WRONG with you. i#im paying this man $25 a week to UNDERSTAND me and not ONCE have i felt understood by him. counselors can disagree with me but i literally#never feel like he is on my side. he’s adhering to conventional ideas about what parents are supposed to be and friends are supposed to be#and work is supposed to be etc etc. and so patronizingly said just enjoy being 23 you don’t wanna waste your 20s! FUCK YOU. i will not#regret anything even if it’s unusual. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!#and also i know he probably watches back thru the recordings and has like his supervisor and professors watch them too which means that#there is a whole team of scientists + my family studying me in a lab and thinking im insane and finding ways to tell me. but fucking bold o#him to assume he can give me any meaningful valuable insight when he is actively checking his laptop / phone during our sessions and rarely#if eve gives me a chance to drive MY OWN CONVERSATION THAT IM PAYING FOR and is so phony abt being on the recording. like Omg. maybe im jus#grown out of it. it fucking SUCKS bc i actually have things i am not normal about and really need help with and i can’t actually get help f#from ppl whose job it is to fucking help me bc they think im not normal about things i PROMISEEEE i am normal about. and the way i effectiv#effectively told him that and he responded that he can’t take that credibly bc there’s no action behind it BY WHICH HE MEANS I HAVENT#STOPPED REDACTEDING TO ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT REDACTED IN MY WHOLE LIFE? THAT I HAVENT DECIDED IM DONE LEARNING SND GROWING AND CUT IT#OFF?????? DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF. INSANE. the ANTITHESIS of human. we are MEANT TO BE CONNECTED. FUCK!!!!!!!!!#delete later#my old counselors challenged me and disagreed with me b it i never felt like they flat out were unwilling to meet me where i am and#compromise with me. is that not what counselors are supposed to do???? or have i just had bad counselors until now??? because im NORMAL. i#swear to fucking god. im normal. im literally normal and it is not doing ANYONE harm. what is wrong with you. GOD
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Tomorrow I’m going to keep organizing our family photos if it kills me and then I honestly think I can never look at them again for my own sanity
#seeing photos of myself from the time period I was being assaulted is incredibly upsetting#because I was a CHILD#I was so innocent#and he took advantage of that#and it reminds me of the therapy session#where my therapist was prepping me to come forward to my parents about it#and the idea was just so upsetting I said you know what never mind I think it might just be easier to suppress it when#*again not when. I’m not retyping#and my therapist said#how old were you? you’re the age of the children you take care of at work.#would you say something if somebody assaulted any of them?#you owe it to yourself at that age and you owe it to them#and that just absolutely wrecked me#because I loved those babies so much#I still do#I’m still very close with one of them and I think about her all the time on bad nights like this#if anybody ever hurt her I would literally kill them. I would go to jail if it meant protecting this little girl.#and it’s nights like this where I need to just stop and mourn over what I lost#and the fact that I didn’t have anybody protecting me like that#even though the signs were absolutely there#because this man groomed his entire family into a culture of silence and denial#I’m just very angry right now#but getting this out has helped immensely#using tumblr as my diary again#tw#tw csa#cw#cw CSA
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#what the????? i was just googling how to get better as a self aware narc#and a comment literally said just realise you're not meant for human relationships get a pet or interact w AI#oh my GOD?????????? HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO GET BETTER IF YOU TREAT THEM LIKE THIS?#theres no GROWTH without social support. imagine you're self aware enough to seek out therapy and work hard on yourself. how are you suppos#d to get better without having people around you to work on your patterns with. without social support#my therapist tried to encourage me to form friendships again because she said even if we work on you you wont be able to achieve your goal#without having someone you can work on yourself with because you cannot get rid of your fear of abandonment and fear of commitment if there#no one AROUND. if im avoiding abandonment and commitment ALTOGETHER !!!! (shes right but its really hard to find someone i want to trust#after everything that happened....... anyway) now imagine if i was a narc. this would be my last straw#i hope i can write a short book on this topic one day. and how to deal with a self aware narc in the umma. itd be a delight ^^
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It’s kind of funny how Juri, despite Miss Danvers clearly having a singular infatuation with Crabblesnitch, is still 100% convinced that she’s in love with him
#okay maybe I'm looking too deep into this but idk#does anyone have a clue about WHY Juri has a crush on Miss Danvers?#(don't get me wrong. I like her as a character because I have a soft spot for pathetic hobbyless female characters who need therapy)#like half town crushing on Ms Philips has the straight-forwards reason being that it's because she's attractive#but I always thought that Miss Danvers was meant to be an average-looking middle-aged woman#also it's weird that I think Juri is literally the only students to ever mention Miss Danvers iirc#especially since Juri's character is basically a caricature of the negative effects of toxic masculinity#idk just wanted to mention it somewhere#idk maybe his really toxic view of gender roles makes him think that the way Miss Danvers devotes herself to Crabblesnitch is akin to#her fulfilling a subservient 'role' as a woman?#Miss Danvers#juri karamazov#canis canem edit#bully scholarship edition#dr crabblesnitch#bullworth faculty#mintys 2 cents
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the need to have "neurotypical" and "neurodivergent" be two completely different things with no grey area in between is a disservice to both groups. i would say every single person on this earth could qualify as neurodivergent if they bothered to go see a psychiatrist. its just that only certain ppl are going to be put in a situation where they cannot function and need a label to explain it bc society
#btw I am convinced that I am the only person who truly understands the field of psychiatry. or the lack of evidence to support one.#there are so many symptoms that are just the exact same thing but described in different ways and depending on the biases of whoever#diagnoses you You will end up with a completely different disorder!#there is no way to be objective about something as subjective as human experience#this is a vaguepost ab r/adhdwomen btw i love the group but also freshly diagnosed ppl be acting in ways.#being neurodivergent forces you to be more in touch with your own needs but every single person on this Earth would benefit from that#so please for the love of God teach the neurotypical people in your life to do that too#I also saw a post earlier about how shopping around 4 therapists should not exist because you don't shop around for surgeons or restaurants#and it made me so mad because you literally do shop around before therapists and for restaurants#and there are 1 million different subfields of therapy please for the love of God do not give up if CBT does not work for you.#if your therapist is so unskilled that they cannot help you because they cannot change the physical reality of your situation#then they are a bad therapist. they are bad at their job!#their job is not to make your situation better their job is to give u the ability to deal w the situation no matter how bad it is.#ryambles#my only sources are that i am mentally ill and have been in therapy since i was 14. but im right.#i meant to say for surgeons and restaurants but i was typing too fast. bc of the adhd. sorry.#i am reading all of this over and maybe it makes no sense but i dont care. read my post boy.
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#incredible how i matter to no one#people on tumblr asked me how i was doing more than my friends and even my own father#hard to but today in therapy i had to admit to myself i never had a mom or a dad even tho they're here and i talk to them all the time#but they're not really because they never have been there for me they didn't raise me nothing#my grandma did that all for me and her house maid too#and her house maid is in the hospital too and this makes me really sad as well bc she literally bathed me and took care of me#when no one else would and when my grandma was at work#this sucks ass tbh#i want to thank everyone that took some time yesterday to send me some thoughts and love 💕 it meant a lot
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Twitter
#songs are meant to be heard so dear listener wouldn't be out of place#kermit being the literati that she is says it's a subversion of a preface#advice columns letters to the editor fans' mailbags and the like used to be more ubiquitous#some are still around like modern love but most have been replaced by podcasts#pouring out my heart to a stranger 🤝 goin' crazy for anyone who would listen to my stories 🤝spilling out to you for free#there was no use for the pseudonym anymore so why bring it out of the problem attic again?#maybe it's because (some) wouldn't take (her™️) word for it if (they) knew who was really talking™️ 🤷🏻♀️🥂#yes last night why wouldn't we get along? she's cool she's a brooklyn baby 😝#what was that famous rep line pics or it didn't happen? 😉#they literally thought i was being serious™️? oh man this is why kermit said she almost feels bad for them 🤣#happy for the guys earning their 5th consecutive number 1 album#never doubted the 1M when they work together we get magic™️ when they don't we still get magic but mostly a compelling need for therapy™️#(lurkers this is sarcasm since it seems you still cannot tell)#repetition is advertising 101 🍀#i wrote what i wrote american f1 driver soon if it's not the logan guy it'll be someone else because mouse™️ empire contract 🏁#kermit's mailbag#originanon
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Anyway, hope you're all doing well
I just... I haven't slept and also I've got like... 2-4 days of tumblr to catch up on... mostly to make sure I don't lose anything I want to keep requeuing
In many ways I'm probably doing better than I have been in a long time... maybe ever, but... I've got zero focus, I can barely watch youtube videos, I certainly can't play games... I can't get myself to clean... I don't know man
It's like... it's like my mind's empty except for some thick clear goopy sludge... it's like being over at a strange house sat alone in a big room waiting for people to come back... not wanting to touch anything so you just sit there staring and feeling out of sorts, except it's just constant in my own house in my own room... just saw Bart flop down in front of my door and realized I'm so out of it I forgot I had cats
It's like I'm living every moment in the moment, but not in a peaceful way, in a I'm untethered from reality and trying to figure out plans or how to deal with getting everything sorted out is just kinda painful kinda way
Then my mood... well... I kinda have no mood. I'm fucking numb if I'm honest. I have flavor opinions like "I'm worthless and should kill myself", but I actually don't even feel depressed right now, I feel nothing
I don't see much point to my future even if everything goes great, and I would like to kill myself, but I have zero interest in even considering it right now even though I have everything I need around if I just stand up and take a single step
So... much as it probably sounds like I'm just pure in the trash right now, I'm actually in many ways probably doing better than I ever have before... I'm just also real messed up right now at the same time
I don't feel hopeful, I never feel hopeful, but I do feel like I can maybe guide shit into a good position, it's just once again I figure that even if I do everything I want to with being able to help other people out and stuff, I'll still just kinda end up alone in a crowd
You know... funny thing is I'm thinking "the fuck is even the point I wanted to make?", and I realize... my point was actually that I'm doing pretty good and not to worry... not sure how well I'm selling it, but it's true
I hesitate to assign anything to myself, my stance on me and anything I can't conclusively say tends to be no comment... but if I were looking at someone else describing what I'm feeling in my position, I might be inclined to say burnout... months of having to be on and clean and manage everything and... all that... well it's one explanation, who knows if it's correct
Anyway though, I'm good, don't worry, know I do appreciate you all and wish I had more brain power to say more to more people... it's just maybe kinda sad that this is my version of doing good... the fuck is wrong with me if I wake up everyday feeling like I've been beaten with clubs... and for me this is kinda peak... what's that say about my baseline?
Doesn't matter, only thing to do is keep moving forward
Guess insomnia paired with not really being able to think, like words just kinda pop out with no planning... guess it makes me ramble real bad, this was supposed to be like one or two paragraphs being positive
It's a Beautiful World
#mm tag so i can find things later#to be clear; I'm referencing the Devo song; and if you know the song... that's kinda a negative thing to say#it's a beautiful world... for you... it's not for me#that's the sentiment I express when I say that; just to avoid confusion... though... confusion I can't deny is also kinda the point#I like hiding things in plain sight; I like lies of omission#...but also... is it so bad to try and let people think I'm being more positive than I am seeing as people have a problem with how I am?#makes them sad; you know?#I'm not even meaning to be negative; I'm just trying to lay out my thoughts so people don't have to read my mind#I think people will probably read this and take it as extremely negative but... it more just is#my brain feels broken right now... that's not meant as doom and gloom... just a statement of fact#people always seem to worry about me... but... they kinda... worry about the wrong stuff#...they kinda... it's like if someone was really worried cause I skinned my knee and it looked real gross but was pretty surface#and I just couldn't get them to stop focusing on that and listen to the fact I had internal bleeding and that was much worse#it's not the fact I want to kill myself that's the problem; it's not that I can often be melancholic#it's all the systemic issues going on... the isolation; the... never feeling like I succeed... that kinda thing; you know?#the money and the getting things stabilized#even if life goes perfect and I even somehow get the stuff I think is literally impossible for me to get that I want so bad#...good chance I'll still be kind of melancholic#...but would that really be so bad? if I was just a little glum when it came to me?#despite the fact that with everything that's not me I say 'lets just keep moving forward and change what we can'?#despite the fact I tend to have a very upbeat... lets not dwell on the past; lets see how we can fix the now kinda mindset?#despite the fact I think I must seem a bit stupid and bumbling in person cause I always tend to be kinda 'it is what it is'?#just because I think bad thoughts and you hear how I think on here... my actions aren't enough to outweigh that?#clean all that shit; but I dare to not like myself very much... seems like weighing the two I really am just negative or whatever; eh?#and by god always make sure to tell me to get a therapist even though I'm both working on that and also it won't fix me#if therapy fixed me I'd be fixed at like 14; it's systemic shit; like I said... therapist can just help a bit#...what I really need is for more people to turn towards me a bit more... 20% of the time even... nah I don't want to elaborate#I don't want to phrase that the more understandable way; I want everyone to... miss it... I can't stand to be seen and then ignored... agai#wish people would worry a little less about me and help a little more... mostly by just being company#can't a body fall down stairs in peace? you know?
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