#and im just so frustrated

[scringee]

This is the only way to express how I'm feeling

[thetimetravellercat]

Ok, so, today, I had 4 hours of "activity", I went to Emmaüs (essentially a second hand stuff store), in total, I spent around 1h15 outside going there and coming back from it, I spent 2h inside mostly looking at tableware and books and then upon coming home, I reheated food, ate, drank herbal tea for warmth and hydration, read a few pages, and that was it. Total: 4h.

During all that time, I made sure I was properly hydrated, I had eaten a healthy breakfast prior to going outside, and i had snacks with me for my time outside, and ate upon coming home. All the food consumed was safe-food.

And yet, those 4 hours of activity destroyed me. After eating and just barely reading, I was just too tired and already feeling some pain. So I went to bed, slept for around 3 hours and woke up feeling like shit, I'm not kidding, my head hurt, my shoulders and my necks hurt, my brain was foggy, and i had to take meds. Most of the symptoms I exhibited were inflammatory in nature. And before you ask, my pillow and everything else is good, doesn't cause me any pain and has actually been approved by my doc.

I'm 23yo. And I refuse to believe that this is a normal way for a 23yo to feel after 4 hours of medium level of activity. And yet, doctors aren't finding anything and they're telling that everything is alright. And it's making me go insane. Like, this is one example out of many. This isn't a fluke.

And this wasn't a result of stress. This was a pleasant activity that I enjoyed (walking included). Some doctors have tried to pin everything on anxiety, but today my anxiety is well managed with micro-doses of CBD and my symptoms haven't changed. So I call bullshit on all of this being caused by anxiety.

The only thing I know I have is autism (though I'm lacking an official-official diagnosis thanks to gross malpractice from a psychiatrist when I was a kid and France having a very very pessimistic, outdated and awful view of autism back when I was a kid; so it's really complicated for me to get help for that, but there isn't any real debate on whether I have it or not, my GP agrees, multiple therapists agree, I just have been too abused by psychiatrists to seek a new official diagnosis as an adult and i also don't have the financial means for that and France is still very late when it comes to autism, so getting a diagnosis as an adult is incredibly fucking complicated and i kinda live in a medical desert right now), but can autism cause all of this?

Especially since I felt I was managing my autism quite ok (listening to music to block outside noises, I have wonderful transition glasses so the brightness of the outside isn't so much of an issue anymore, I have confortable clothes, etc.)

It must also be noted that I have been resting for a few months now, so I'm not currently under any high stress, tension or exhaustion (as compared to previous times when my symptoms would get much much worse).

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[frostedpuffs]

does anyone else hate that work takes up like 90% of your life and you literally are always working and have to form plans and important things and even seeing friends or eating meals around work. it's always just work. im spending my life just being At Work. i don't have time for hobbies or for seeing friends bc it’s always Work. like two days off a week isn't even enough because my days off aren't consecutive so i just spend those days exhausted or doing errands or house chores. there is not enough Time. all the time goes to Work. WHY IS LIFE THIS WAY. humans were not meant for this

[inkskinned]

at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"

like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.

"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."

... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.

and i'd still keep writing.

i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.

i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley

"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"

and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.

it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.

you create because you're greedy.

[999999999inadream]

toby fox needs to add like a bit of narration in deltarune abt kris like "they themmed they/themily down the stheirs" cus i cant go on seeing them constantly get he/himmed in yt comment sections

[miwtual]

im so fucking tired of the disrespect gifmakers get on the gifmaker website

[wis-art]

Not a big fan of capitalism

[bugbuoyx]

i hate that "TMRA" is an insult used against transmascs, not only are you saying an oppressed group of people don't deserve to fight for their rights, but you are at the same time equating that oppressed group to a group of men who literally hate us and would assault us given the chance. are you aware of the statistics of violence against trans men & mascs? the rates of assault, rape, and suicide and how they are extremely high and extremely underreported? or do you not care because you think were gender traitors were men?

[tenvishund]

F I S S I O N - Why the hell do you hurt yourself for this?

[koszmarnybudyn]

Arthur Lester doodle because he's in my brain like a parasite but drawing him is hard so hopefully this will break my artblock in regards to drawing him.

[skeletalheartattack]

[thcbolter]

(No "see results" option because I find that more non-gifmakers than actual gifmakers will engage with the poll if there's an option like that. If you aren't a gifmaker, this poll is not for you.)

[crisp-art]

shuake doodl

[bbnibini]

I find it so painfully heartbreaking that Solomon just...laughs off all the derision, the name-calling, and possibly even did "evil" things on purpose because it's expected of him at this point. (He had not always been like this as Thirteen pointed out before). There was a time when he was "innocent". When his soul sparkled. When it resembled the kind of soul everyone in these god forsaken (pun intended with spite) three realms seemed to associate with the ever loved MC. He's just...worryingly carefree. And because he's like that, he feels even more of a tragic character to me.

Sometimes it even seems that he himself would seemingly make up excuses on why he's hated. Oh, it's because I'm a sorcerer this. I might have won a war against Devildom single-handedly this. I have forgotten. But maybe, I did something bad, that. Hon, you were doing that to SURVIVE. You don't have to be a faultless person to deserve compassion. You don't have to be MC to deserve to be loved.

[sleepy-edits]