#lol but i dont want to add that in now so whoever reads the tags gets an extra treat

[spinosworks]

a fate worse than getting a call from the county jail

twin au where danny is put on trial in the ghost zone but since the ghost zone's judicial system is a mess they call for a character witness from various periods of his life bc he's still technically living

(a word about the court proceedings. due to the fact that i know next to nothing abt real court and i don't want to do research for a prompt i have no time to write, the entire trial is going to be on some ace attorney bullshit.)

damian gets ghost jury duty (i know it's not jury duty but that was too funny not to write)

as it turns out, getting the news that your brothers ghost is still around from a glowing green figure that materialized in your dining room is not a great way to get news. if you want to start the trial right away, damian is whisked off in his pjs. if he gets some time, it takes place that night. still, it's not a lot of time to process that you're about to see your dead brother who is apparently a criminal.

well dannys always technically been a criminal. murder is very much illegal no matter what age you are.

damian isn't allowed to know what the charges are bc it may influence how he recounts the testimony. this does not bode well to damian.

danny on the other hand does NOT know that damian is even going to be there. so the first time they lock eyes across the court room danny is a complete mess.

but guess what's an even bigger mess? the fact that the last time the twins saw each other they were literal baby assassins.

the character witness doesn't help in the slightest. if anything it goes even worse (but for who?)

damian gets to bond with the ghosts of the far frozen during the recess.

WAIT IS FROSTBITE DANNYS LAWYER?? if so i will only be putting him in more elaborate robes, no matter how funny the idea of him in a suit and tie is. non western traditional garb is professional and i will not fall into that pit.

ANYWAYS

frostbite is dannys lawyer but he's kinda bad at it,,, (the far frozens court system is a lot more straight forward)

he's basically the pheonix wright of the courtroom. he's gonna get the job done but by god is he gonna make some mistakes.

damian is going to have to be his maya or smth. damian is reading the court files (which are horribly put together who wrote this shit??) to try and help frostbite put a case together and???? WTF HAS HIS BROTHER BEEN DOING WITH HIS AFTERLIFE

to those wondering where the rest of the trio are, they weren't allowed to know where the trial is taking place due to their history of helping danny break out of prison. this doesn't stop them from trying to break him out. or stop them from getting help 👀👀

that's right kiddos, they go to gotham. not for the bats, but to figure out why one of the waynes is at one of the most prolific ghost trials in centuries (dannys gone around the block at this point. people are curious to see the verdict, if any)

kitty and jazz are friends so kitty let's slip what's going on and who exactly showed up.

('why the hell is damian wayne there?!')

that's all i have for right now, kinda fond of it so i may write smth short for it.

probably not so go wild with it. anyone is welcome to cannibalize this for parts.

(oh yeah the song i was blasting while writing this was innocent man by billy joel. just thought it'd be funny to mention)

[jesuscrab]

Disco Elysium: Final Cut first impressions

Well, im only two hours in at this point, but i wanted to share my thoughts with others, mainly about the new voices. Don’t worry, this post will be spoiler free. Putting this under a read more becuse its fairly long and i dont wanna fill the whole tag with my bullshit lmao.

So, first and foremost: new content.

I haven’t gotten to those new quests yet at this point (obviously), but i’ve seen a lot of changes already. There are smaller animations for character added here and there, some misc UI changes and tweaks. It’s all very good. They are just small additions, but were instantly noticable and add a lot of flavlour to the world and conversations. I especially like the UI animations, they seem a lot smoother then they used to be. Really cool.

Now, the elepthant in the room: voice acting.

I was sceptical about voice acting, but after playing i think its a very fun and nice addition. Dont think it really adds anything to the experience, but its cool that its there i guess.

But... the voice actors...

As you may be aware, due to covid and other stuff za/um unfortunatlly had to replace some voices. And i gotta say, the replacments are kinda bad sometimes. Let’s start with Cuno: new Cuno is actually cool imo. He doesn’t sound like a weird crackhead anymore and just sounds like a child. Some think its bad, but i feel that the voice actor is very good. The new voice just gives you a different perspective and presentation of the character. Its not bad, just, yknow. Different. 

New Garte is alright. Took some time to get used to, but its okay. He gives the same infelcion and accent.

Lena has a slight southern accent now? I guess it kinda fits but it’s still weird. And she doesnt even sound like a grandma anymore. I think it works but i personally dont like it. Maybe it’ll grow on me in time - we’ll see. Wonder if they changed Morell too? Hope not, love his wierd accent.

René and Gaston - holy fuck, these suck lol. Dont think if i can explain it but i’ll try.  René had this very distinc voice, he sounded like he was constantly angry, which fits his character as a jaded old facist, He doesnt have that anymore! The new voice sounds like he is just reciting words, very small emotion, sounds very bored, at least to me. Thank god that the voice still has that french accent or i would flip. Gaston sucks, but in a different way - he sounds normal. He just sounds like the most generic dude ever. I wont say his og voice was some sort of marvel of voice acting, but it was something reconacible and fitting. The new guy, whoever he is, doesnt do anything - just normally talks into the mic. It’s bad becuse its boring.

Oh, i almost forgot the SCAB LEADER. Remember his constant yelling, his furoious anger? Its not there anymore! it’s funny when the dialouge says that you feel a very “violet and savage feel from his tone” and the voice actor conveys nothing on this. Not a feel of deep hatred or disgust from him. His voice isint bad per say, but it doesnt convey the same character, it just doesnt fit at all! No spoilers, but im just worried how this change will affect his later apperence in the story - pepole who played the game know what im talking about.

Klasse has a new voice too, but i didint hear enough of it to form an opinion.

As a last thing, i just wanna say: absolutley no hate towords ZA/UM or these voice actors. The studio sadly had to replace the voices, and the actors did a good job. They are not bad pepole for not not feling right to me lol. Also again, these are my personall opinions. Im sure there are some who love the new voices and think im stupid. Everyone has their own tastes.

So thats it for now. I will eventually make an update when i play some more, but dont expect it too soon. I’ll probablly write it after finish the game, or at least meeting at the characters. Hope you enjoyed reading my random thouths!

Now get out there, detectives!

[meduise]

Whats some of ur fav dino, dino/hibari hcs?

finally i could reply to this ask!! which, anon, i still thank you for bc its the best thing i could ever be asked to talk about ww

reading will likely take some time, but i hope you and whoever else reads this post will share some hcs or at least find them nice ad interesting enough! and of course, i’ll be happy to answer more asks about it!! like the hibari-only post, i may come back to this one and update it over time

general warning for death mentions and spoilers from the novel “haneuma stampede”!!

hopefully this post wont be hidden from the tag search

dino headcanons

until i read about haneuma stampede, i pretty much always headcanoned dino’s hometown being naples, and this because i have neapolitan origins myself www in the light novel we get to know that dino’s hometown is a port city facing the adriatic sea (east) hence the opposite coast to naples, since this town faces the tyrrhenian sea (west). because of this piece of information, tho, i started thinking dino could be from bari, apulia’s capital city

being that a self projection, im still attached to that hc, so to keep at least a part of it i gave dino neapolitan grandparents LOL i mean, it’s not unlikely anyway

this is a recent hc but dino has a huge crush on is a big fan of immanuel casto, a gay italian singer whose most songs are explicit or suggestive and provocative

i think we all can agree that romario is like a second father to dino, right? their bond gets even stronger after cavallone nono’s death ;; romario will occasionally drop his habit to call dino “boss” and call him with his first name instead. dino will remind romario quite often how important he is to him beyond his role as his right-hand man

What Do You Mean Dino’s Tattoos Magically Appeared On His Body When He Was Deemed The Worthy Successor,,, i (falls on my knees) hc’ed that getting them done took A LOT and hurt A LOT and he yelled A LOT to the tattoo artist to stop inking and to his family that he didnt want to belong to that world,,,, im sorry dino

his tattoo and his duty as a boss in general dont give him much freedom (or should i say they dont give him freedom at all) so among the other hcs of situations where he has to cover his left arm, i have this one where dino cant but go to the beach when its empty and/or at night so that no one can see him but his men

the years may pass but he will still blame himself for his father’s death. and i mean. its pretty much true that it was his fault orz thanks light novel for giving me depress

onto the personality-wise hcs,, i talked about hibari’s enneagram type so i cant not do that for dino too. dino is 2w1, which gets called the servant. starting with the basic type: depending on the level of health, the two (”the helper”) ranges from being the most genuinely caring and helpful type to other people to being the type who gives expecting to be given something back to being the type who manipulates people into caring about them. i dont believe dino has fallen or will ever fall into the very unhealthy pit but he does get on the level where he thinks his generosity is the only thing that tie people to him and his people-pleasing attitude starts getting suffocating. he can be quite possessive, too. in a few words, type one is a very principled type, who fears being defective, bad and corrupt. therefore i assigned dino the one wing to kinda enhance the following paradox: being what he hates the most, aka part of a rotten system such as the mafia one. and with a role as a boss, to it. dino as a teenager never wanted to succeed to his father, and even now he wishes he didnt belong to that world but he loves his family, and even tho according to the moral he deserves to go to jail together with his men, he is self-admittedly too much of a coward to do that (theres so much more to add to this but if i do it will get REALLY long. there’s going to be another little enneagram talk in the d18 hcs anyway, lol)

_____________________________________________________________

dinohiba headcanons

these bitches gay good for them, good for them

advanced apologizes for being an angst fucker but for years my #1 headcanon has been a quite twisted one about dino and hibari not allowing themselves die by the hand of someone who isn’t each other’s. its a sort of oath. they feel like if one of them dies it will be unforgivable, and this will lead them to ultimately kill each other. in their mind, “it’s either both or none of them”, both know that they won’t be able to bear with the other being gone forever (yes, hibari too) and the only solution they find is leaving the world together, the same way they fought on it and against it together. the scenario i thought for this is a duel inside the reverse globe of needles. their last fight in hibari’s ultimate technique so that it’s literally just a world made of the two of them lol lol lol

tbh dino didnt like hibari at first, and with hibari being hibari it takes them long to warm up to each other. for long i mean some years w (years of anger, fights, hardship, trauma reveal, and so on)

their first bonding moment happens when hibari finds out about fon (yeah, all the stuff i talked about in my hibari hc post to which i have to add: i made my own timeline where the arcobaleno arc happens about 2 years later than shown in canon). dino is there to comfort him. dino hugs hibari and he lets him do. hibari cries. HIBARI CRIES for the third (3rd) time in his life there

i have this kinda specific hc of dino overhearing hibari sing hitoribocchi no sadame and getting sad about its lyrics

for obvious reasons even when they start dating they’re forced to spend most of the time away from each other but they make sure to be together at least on every anniversary

i love the established relationship trope so much therefore 80% of the times i think and write about them hibari is in his 30s and these two have been married for like 7 years 

i’ll get to the marriage proposal and ceremony another time hopefully in a fic too but of course romario and fon are chosen for their best men

idk if people consider ship playlists and such as hcs, but i associate savages by kerli and someone to stay by vancouver sleep clinic to them ;;

about someone to stay: the line will you fix me up? will you show me hope? is hibari -> dino, and the line can you keep me close? can you love me most? is dino -> hibari

and finally, to go back to the topic of enneagram: their compatibility according to their types. on the institute’s official site theres already a good description, which makes me cry everytime i go back to it because it literally starts with “These two types are more alike than they might appear to be at first”. part of this is given by the fact that unhealthy twos get the unhealthy traits of eights and healthy eights get the healthy traits of twos. i made a scheme for it:

i admit that i have no proof that the comparison is legit for the wings too, but finding out the stress/growth correlation even for them was very validating and satisfying, lol

some headcanons are missing from this post bc i decided to post the most important and my fave ones (the fave ones are those asked for in the first place but i cant shut up ashdjsdhfdjsdhfg)

but either way OVERALL i really, really love imagining both dino and hibari overcoming their hardships, individually and together, becoming the better versions of themselves the more the years pass, bringing their best qualities to each other and learning to accept and appreciate their different points of view. 

because of the way they are at first they... dont really start good, but with health and trust they make a powercouple tbh

[anja-mittags]

we’re all in our private traps, washing our hands

a tag meme!

tagged by @strikerbacks

birthday: september 23rd

zodiac: libra sun/ aries moon/ aries rising. yeah, my chart is how you say wonky af. i dont have a damn clue how it adds up but c’est la vie.

last song listened to: Break My Heart by Dua Lipa. gonna write up an album rec for future nostalgia soon.

hobbies: god what don’t i do to pass the time. the staples are reading far too much fanfic and writing bad poetry and occasionally an actual plot, singing badly at karaoke, embroidery, scrapbooking, knitting, writing correspondence, referencing stupid movies, and watching bad horror films with the lads.

last movie you watched: spiderman: far from home and I have SO MANY thoughts.

dream job: ideally i guess something like a writer, fantasy-wise something that could help grow the women’s game in peru or in general, realistically: a fucking ghost

meaning behind url: it’s a pun but also my one true love of women’s football, retired striker of germany’s national team, an absolute legend: Anja Mittag.

top 4 ships: there’s so many to choose from. I’m a bastard multishipper/polyshipper so it’s a revolving door of interests. Currently: charles/erik, superbat (or DC trinity), harley/ivy, harry/hermione(/draco) Forever: schweinski, charles/erik, jess/jules (WE WERE ROBBED!!!), mulder/scully+growing old together

reading: the last actual book i read was probably the magic of tidying up but that van gogh brother gifset has reminded me I should resume reading van gogh’s letters. on the fanfic side: I am scouring the bowels of the internet for some HP fics i haven’t read. and of course my eternal quest for bandom fic that doesn’t make me want to shake my head in dismay. i’m also looking for poetry book recs bc i crave a good soul wrenching from time to time.

what food are you craving right now: mango sherbet, this very specific matcha crepe cake from a place in philly, and pho like a motherfuckeer. tagging: idk man whoever wants to do it. whoever read through this entirely lol

[modesty-blaise]

Since I'm curious, what caused you to become very possessive of your gifs? Not out of rudeness but curious, since no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr which automatically credits you at the bottom of the gif.

Hey. Tbh, at first I didn’t wanna bother with yet another anon but since I see no ill intent behind this, I decided to go and answer it. Unfortunately, half-way through I realised my reply is turning into incredibly long semi-bitter rant and expands well beyond calling out just one person in Psychonauts fandom (and yes, this is related to Psychonauts fandom – you do know that these anons are not really that anonymous, right?) so… buckle up! All that beneath “read more”.

I’ve been on this hellsite for like…7-8 years? Maybe more? Can’t really tell cause I moved blogs and my old blog now consists of only 4 posts I’ve made close to leaving so I honestly have no idea how much time I’ve spend here before moving. Anyway, during those few years I’ve spent on my first blog I’ve met a lot of creative gifmakers who enjoyed sharing their love for fandoms they were in. I’d like to point out that this was waaaaay before tumblr created that insert-gif option so, back in the day, the only way to add gifs to your post was to: 1. make them yourself 2. take them from someone else. And a lot of people were taking them from someone else which resulted in many gifmakers giving up on making gifs and leaving fandoms and/or even leaving tumblr – and I’ve had many of my friends give up on what they love and have their games/shows/movies/whatnot ruined for them cause people would not stop stealing from them. And many of my friends eventually left tumblr cause they couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Tumblr adding insert-gif option, in my opinion, honestly, just made it worse for gifmakers. Cause now people had the opportunity to use gifs for their posts, with or without creators’ permission/knowledge, but it was alright and it was perfectly fine cause creators were credited. There’s their name at the bottom. It’s alright. Like… it doesn’t matter if they’re actually okay with people using something they’ve put hours into making or if they’re not – tumblr gives them credit so they SHOULD be okay with it. Simple as that.

Well, we’re all different and some people are not okay with that. I’m not okay with that. It took me weeks to figure out how to use photoshop correctly. Took me countless hours of looking through different tutorials and basically trial-and-error-ing my way through the process. Whenever I make gifs, it takes me hours to record videos and then hours trying to achieve that 3mb limit on gifs (thank lord these days we’re beyond 1mb limit). After all that effort I put into creating gifs for games that I love and enjoy, someone is going to make 2 clicks and have that same gif added to their post, without even asking. So how is that okay?

Back to your question. Yes, “no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr”, that is true and that is something I was aware of when I saw you-know-who announcing they would be starting 30 days Psychonauts challenge. So, hating to see my gifs used against my will, and not wanting to start any unnecessary drama and threaten people in advance with reporting them if they do use them, I’ve made my blog as private as I could. It was only accessible through the dashboard, it was not showing in ANY search engines inside and outside tumblr, and my gifs were impossible to find through insert-gif function – I’ve made sure. I did all that cause I just knew that during those 30 days, someone would use my gifs and I would get mad and I desperately wanted to avoid that (hence going extreme). And you know what happened? You know what creator of this challenge (who prevously already reposted my gifs) did? *drums* They used my shit anyway. :3 They just uploaded it from their computer, where they’ve saved it earlier.

And like… a lot of people see pretty pic and decide to save it - I mean, we all do that. Heck, even I have a folder full of shit I saw online and liked it – but i’m not uploading it online cause I haven’t made it. It’s not mine to share.

But some people are not like that.

Some people see fanart of something they like and they want to share their opinion on it – and instead of making their own post, maybe drawing the fanart themselves, they decide to use someone else’s art for their post. Do they know who made it? Do they have creator’s permission to share it? If the answer is NO, then they should be a decent human being and not do that to creators. Oh, they shared it anyway but now people in fandom are calling them out BUT this actually happened on accident? They know who the creator is but, somehow, they accidentally forgot to credit them? OK, well, it’s possible, shit happens, but they better make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Then sometime later these same people decide they want to make a post appreciating their fav character and they want to include pics cause duh, you can’t have character appreciation post without pics, right? Now they have several options: they can get their own screenshots, make their own gifs, maybe draw something… or they can just take someone else’s creation. Do they know who made it? Well there’s my fuckin name on it, and since they’ve stretched it from 245 to 500px, it’s really hard to miss, plus it’s not like there are that many people making Psychonauts gifs. Do they have permission to share it? Hmmm, nope, didn’t ask me. Is this also an accident? Could be. I mean, I’ve seen stranger things happen, so accidentally forgetting to credit content creators twice… kinda suspicious but still possible. Who am I to say?

Now if these people then decide to make a post appreciating their fav ship and they want to add a cute pic of the loving couple – yup, you guessed it! They can either create something or take something. Again: they know who did? They asked for permission? Got the permission? No?!?! But they posted it anyway?!?! :o Could it really be, that after being called out publicly, after being told that reposting is bad (something that’s very easy to understand), after even having tumblr staff intervene and remove stolen shit from their blog, after all that - could it really still be an accident?

Nah, man.

They just don’t give a shit.

Cause if they did, they’d stop with that crap first time they were called out.

(and if you think Psychonauts fandom is their only fandom and that they’re not doing this crap in other fandoms too - hoooo, boy, do I have some bad news for you! Do you know how many stolen and butchered HP fanart is on their blog? Hobbit stuff? They seem to be one of the most accident-prone users on tumblr. And honestly - it’s a real miracle their blog’s not been terminated.)

Back to what I was talking about - I’m not okay with people using my gifs and I’ve made it very clear. I literally do not give a shit if I’m credited or not, I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want my gifs used without my permission. If you like them and want them on your blog, there’s a fuckin reblog button. It’s sole purpose is to allow you to share other people’s creations. Or shitposts, cause lord knows we all love those.

So that’s why when someone spends hours going through my Psychonauts tag and goes as far as to send me “I love your gifs” anonymous message, but the very next day makes stim moodboard post including one of my gifs, now cut and resized to fit 3x3 format they’re going with, I get mad. And that’s why when someone uses one of my gifs to promote their RP blog, butchering it to fit their aesthetics, and later when confronted going as far as blaming their good friend on it cause god! they’ve had no idea it wasn’t theirs, I get mad. (makes you wonder though: if they friend has such skills, why not making them gifs themselves?)

Like…. I’ve had my gifs stolen plenty of times. I’ve had them stolen for roleplaying, for headers, for imagines, just for notes… I’ve had them stolen by people claiming to run official fan sites (that’s a real wild story but I won’t get into that now)… I’ve seen them on pinterest, weheartit, FB, all those random gif sites… and I’ve seen EVERY. POSSIBLE. EXCUSE. ranging from: “well i found it on google so why should i credit you” “lol dunno who made this but its pretty so im posting it” “ive had it on my computer for years so i don’t remember where i got it from” “i dont know how to make gifs so im using weheartit as a source” “credit to whoever made this” (that’s my fav) to “its just a gif so who gives a shit” (it’s not – it’s hours of creator’s time and lots of love that you’re now shitting on so thanks) and “i have an /illness/ and getting notes makes me feel better so dont u dare blame me for stealing” (I don’t remember exact excuse but it was something along those lines and like… how do you even respond to something that without looking like an asshole?).

And sometimes it really is just an accident. Sometimes people really do forget to credit you and/or ask you for permission. And I’ve had my fair share of those accidents. People in Psychonauts fandom have been using my gifs for various crap but, when approached, they’ve removed it and apologised. And it’s something I really appreciate. (if they actually bother reading this and they recognise themselves: i’m really grateful and thank you for not being an ass)

But you know what I don’t appreciate? People making a call out posts about me, asking about my gifs when they know very well they’re the main reasons why I’m not making those gifs anymore, at the same time failing to address any of the issues I have with them and instead rather explaining to others what happened BUT explaining only the parts that make me look like a villain cause how I even dare be mad about them stealing? How I even dare call them out on it? That is so ridiculous and criminal of me, and it’s so so sooooo bad that they need to call me out. I deserve to be called out by the very same person who’s been stealing my shit.

And their explanation is…well… it’s something.

They were sympathetic and polite? When did this happen? Did I completely missed that part? Please someone fuckin enlighten me with such post/message where they expressed their sympathy and politeness and I’ll apologise right this second.

I told them to “literally fuck off”? Yeah, that did happen, I admit that. Did they bother explaining why I told them to fuck off in the first place? Did they say they were caught stealing from me and had tumblr stuff remove my shit from their blog? Did they get into details of how they demanded the proof of my so very wild and obviously false claims but then when I showed it, they just deleted that “how dare u call me out cause I would never do such thing” post? No, they didn’t and geee, I really wonder why.

Instead, what did they choose to address? Out of all the things I’ve said. Hm? What did they choose? Me telling them to fuck off. Me dropping the F-bomb on them, rudely rejecting their obvious kindness and politeness. Nothing else.

Back to what I was talking about before I got derailed again: no, I’m not mad cause this person used my gifs without crediting me. I mean – I am, but that’s not my main issue with them (and they know it). My main issue is that this is someone who will continuously lie and steal and still deny any of it, even when there’s plenty of proof (and you can always count on me to show up with proof tbh), and then go as far as to publicly ask about my gifs and try to call me out. Like me getting mad that something I’ve put hours of work into, and something I’ve made cause I love the game and I want to share my love and appreciation for it, is now being shared against my will and my knowledge - like me getting mad over something like that is so unreasonable that they need to make an entire post about it while pretending they have absolutely no idea why I’m even mad and why we have issues.

And I have every fucking right to be mad. 3 times is not an accident. 2 times to the same person is not an accident. They know it. But yeah, playing stupid is their defense so it’s not like I expected them to actually address their actions this time either.

And you know what? Just because I swear a lot doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Doesn’t mean there’s no solid ground for my claims. People on tumblr have always been and always will be stealing shit. Sometimes they will credit you, often they will not, and that’s just how it is, doesn’t matter if you’re okay with it or not. But that doesn’t mean I’m just gonna sit quiet and accept someone’s shitty behaviour. Especially when it’s directed at me.

TLDR: giving credit =/= having permission

but my previous posts leading to this ask were not about that

you knew that already

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

I am not my insecurities reflection- a truthful based oneshot

IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE PLEASE READ

Ok, this will be a long author’s note but please bare with me as this is very important for you to understand this oneshot. For some context here because I havent posted alot about her yet, this is a oneshot about my Dc oc Gracie Lucio, set kinda in the same universe(i guess) of the teen titans judas contract movie( with Damian as robin) and its a oneshot written partly out of a vent of my own body image issues and partly out of an expression of how I’ve learned to look past said issues slowly.

But this gets very angsty until the end

Now to give a bit more context for the piece itself. The oc herself, Gracie Lucio( because I havent posted any art of her yet) for the reader’s understanding, she is not human, she is a werewolf(it feeds into her story so dont get me started on it alot of research went into this aspect of her character and it plays into her body issues)and body wise looks similar to Dick in the first season of Young Justice. Shes a naturally thin figured , broader shouldered girl who could( if she really wanted to) pass as a feminine boy with short jaw/ barely chin length hair( think of a thick messy longish pixie cut of dark hair). So shes naturally lean and lanky and a little underdeveloped for a 13 year old girl and as a heroine she has toned muscles from years of hero work. Most wouldnt see her having too many insecurities about her body image and appearance, but in truth shes riddled with them. She ages a bit differently than humans, it takes her body longer to develop and even then in some areas it develops differently all together. She struggles to gain any extra weight or build up natural feminine curves, something she wants. She WANTS to look like other girls her age, with more developed and heavier bodies, with curves and more weight and an actual figure. But with a supernaturally high metabolism added on top of a already genetic based thin figure and a intense and sometimes rigorous training and workout routine plus her work as a heroine gives no leeway to gain really any extra weight, its always worked off one way or another. And this causes...comments to be made about why she looks that way by civilians. and though she never shows it publicly  she takes many of these, usually not flattering and sometimes cruel and rude, comments to heart(much like I used to unfortunately) and it worsens her negative feelings. This is a small story of her seeing those problems and issues and trying to face and overcome them. This is more centered around Gracie and Dick and Jason and their platonic and sibling like relationship as they help her through her darker times( again, this is partly me expressing my own personal struggles with body image (which arent the exact same as the character but the language and the comments are very similar)and partly how those two helped inspire me to have more confidence in my body no matter what I look like) and also a deeper peek into her complex relationship with Damian(but thats not the biggest focus) Sorry this was so long I mightve info-dumped a little but its important to understand the story. I hope you guys enjoy?

This is also told in Gracie’s point of view

This will cover some pretty deep kinda issues like body image problems and over eating and weight loss/gain and mentions of eating disorders without really discussing them and bullying so if that upsets you in any way now is the best time to scroll past for your own sake, I dont want you to upset yourself over my crappy emotional writing

I do not look that bad.

That’s what I have to force my mind to accept as I look into the mirror, meeting my own aqua green eyes hesitantly.

I always hated looking in the mirror lately, especially after training or after bathing, like now as I stood in the middle of my room in a slightly loose training type sports bra and spandex shorts. I don’t even want to glance down at my body, out of fear for seeing the same thing I always do.

‘She so skinny...is she eating right’

‘She needs to eat more and gain some weight’

‘what a twig for a superhero’

‘how have bad guys not snapped her in half? Jesus Christ I could probably break her with a sneeze!’

‘What a bad influence shes setting for young girls with such an thin figure!’

‘I think He needs to eat more Christ that poor boy must be starving! Why isn’t Nightwing feeding him more’

The flashes of comments flooded my mind the moment my eyes flickered down to the rest of me. To my thin, unfeminine figure. My underdeveloped and flat birdcage of a chest. To my lanky, toned, too flat stomach. The pinched waist figure. The flat empty expanse I called hips that blended too well into my too dainty looking bony legs. I looked too fucking skinny. And maybe they were right...as a hero I was a role model to those younger than me, and I promoted a Bad Body Image for girls to idolize with my lanky boy figure.

And it was a horrible body type I had no goddamn control over.

My species was not an easy one to live as, especially not intermingled with humans. The team knew, the team understood, but the rest of the world didn’t. As a lupinotuum pectinem, or lycanthrope which in easy translation is simply “Werewolf”, my whole body inner workings were different. Most of my kind were naturally lean and thin, like tall healthily thin model athlete body types and in general the females, even alpha females, were practically born twig like almost. And on top of that our bodies developed....differently. I was not raised by a pack or by my own kind after age 8, so even I didn’t know the full extent but females bodies took longer to grow and it made it very hard for them to gain weight because of the unnaturally high metabolism. Add being a superhero who once trained under a certain league member to the mix and you go from being the “healthy and admirable” type of skinny to the “unhealthy and concerning”type of skinny.

I hated it, and I hated my body. I hated pictures of me from the neck down, because they all looked the same no matter who they were with. And I saw the comments everyone made. Whether its a surprise photo Garfield took dragging me into the picture to commemorate something or another or me taking pictures around Gotham or Blüdhaven with Dick on the social media Gar helped me set up, or even the rare photos I’d get to take with Jason or Damian or Tim and get to post. Every time the flood of comments were the same. The same things I now repeated over and over as I looked over my body angrily.

OMG look at that poor girl is she ok??? She looks like she needs to be hospitalized!

Christ almighty BB isn’t it too early to be posing with skeletons?? LOL

Dude not funny that girl must be anorexic or something.

Such a cute sibling couple but sweetie you need a fast food break to add some fat to those bones!

Fuck kid go eat something instead of taking pictures

Awwww you two look real happy! I hope you’re on the way to lunch or something!

Holy shit your guy’s size difference is so vast its almost worrying

how are you even alive with that little weight

Go eat some junk food or something before you pass out

OMG look at her shes so small and stick like! Her clothes look like they’re hanging off a scarecrow!

That girl cannot be healthy tell me someone is making her eat more

Every time its always the same damn thing....

I couldn’t do it anymore. I turned away from the mirror nearly in disgust and went back to changing into more casual clothes, bitterly noting how my clothes did in fact seem to hang awkwardly on my body as if I was too thin for them to fit correctly. Like they always did lately.

Ew look at her she looks so gross all stick-like like that!

What a fucking twig of a girl! Are those her ribs poking through her shirt??

Bitch go eat a fucking hamburger you need some damn food in you.

God that weight cant be healthy you need a doctor!!

     “Kid? Yo kid you in there?” My head jerked up from the comments flooded screen of my phone to meet Jason’s eyes, catching the quirk of his eyebrow as he sat across the diner table from me. We were at a diner he favored whenever he came into town to visit, a little family owned treasure with delicious and greasy food and the sweetest staff on earth. We frequented the spot during his visits, our own personal little thing since we’d gotten closer. I plastered on a smile and ignored the slight narrow of those blue eyes, the small furrow of his brow got as I snapped off my phone and set it aside.

      “Sorry Jay, BB tagged me in something dorky and I got distracted. So what were you saying?”

He didn’t believe me, and I didn’t blame him. I wasn’t the most convincing at that moment but I kept that damn plastic smile on my face and snagged some of his curly fries right in his face, making him crack a smile and smack my hand away from his tray.

      “ Hands off my food, eat your own wolfie.” I rolled my eyes at the stupid nickname I’d been branded and let the plastic smile slowly be replaced by a more genuine one as we began chatting again, grabbing my over sized cheeseburger and finishing every last bite and moving onto the large fries and two milkshakes, hopelessly praying that maybe this time the calories would stick and trying to push away the comments to the back of my mind. I was with Jason and we were having a damn good time, and I wasn’t going to let those comments ruin his visit...not again.

You should be ashamed. All you’re doing is promoting bad eating habits looking like that.

You’re such a bad influence for young girls who idolize you with such a horribly unreachable appearance.

Shes too bony to ever be considered pretty

Does she have a eating disorder or something?

I stiffened instantly startled by a hand on my shoulder, turning off my phone  instinctively and making the endless comments disappear into darkness before whoever could see them over my shoulder. The hand was big, calloused, and gentle and I felt myself relax as I looked up behind me with a smile.

         “ Hey Dick, did you need something?” He smiled down at me with that big bright smile that made all the dark thoughts and feelings melt away and gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze, blue eyes meeting aqua green.

          “ Well I was wondering if you’re doin’ anything right now or if you’d want to go catch dinner with Kori, Dami, and I. I noticed that you’d skipped your usual early dinner....” I wasn’t surprised he noticed, he normally did...

Once again that smile plastered itself on my face as I told him I’d love to, and to just let me go get changed into something better. I saw his hesitation at the fake smile, practically smelled it on him and prayed he wouldn’t bring it up right now, god please don’t ask now or I might just break...

Maybe god is listening because he didn’t mention it and just told me to meet them by the front doors of the tower in ten.

How are you not dead yet?

Jesus Christ stop promoting your eating disorder like its a good thing!

She looks so sickly is she ok? :(

Yeah shes sick, sick in the damn head for posting such disgusting pro-Ana pictures

How can you post pictures with a clear conscience looking like that?

Some “superhero”

I was wrong, no god was listening to me.

Dinner was rough to get through, even if it didn’t start that way.

For once I didn’t have to worry or dread possibly checking my phone for anything, I turned it off by the time we got to the restaurant. I even got a small compliment from Damian on our way in, though it was more a snark at me not tripping up the stairs. But it was Damian so I snapped right back with a smile, knowing he didn’t really mean it. Sitting beside Dick and across from Damian, I nudged his foot with mine in a silent gesture to cheer up even a little. He huffed through his nose but I saw his body relax and it made me relax. Those moments before the food came, our chatter and soft laughter as we looked over the menu, and the soothing knowledge knowing that Dick pulled me and Damian along to this dinner so we would go out on a date ourselves, ever the best brother and wingman. The mood was light and pleasant and I could see even the ever sharp and moody Dami lighten up a little by the time we ordered. Maybe the mood shifted into something different as we waited for our food and I was sipping on my tall glass of iced cola, when Damian’s fingers casually brushed over the top of my unused hand that laid peacefully on the table. The gesture was subtle and light, quick enough to miss if your senses weren’t sharp. I didn’t acknowledge it and neither did he, a silent understanding that words would just ruin whatever this was. I accepted that happily, as he was much more engaged in the conversations and even smiling a little more during them as he debated with Kori on leading strategies. Things were pleasant, comforting at that table in those few seconds before the decline, Dick smiling and chuckling at his lover and little brother, Said lover and brother having a more upbeat discussion about different leadership styles and their effects, and lightly debating which work better for what. And Damian’s hand next to mine, ever so lightly brushing against it in his wordless way to say I was still there and at even the smallest twitch I’d have his attention again. Dick ruffled my hair and asked how my online courses were coming along, since I didn’t attend schools publicly and I was more than happy to babble about my classes, and my current work in them. It was nice and I was happy, all the horrible feelings from before draining away as I tuned everything else but these three out of my enhanced hearing. Why had I even felt so shitty when I had great people like them in my life?

Then I heard it as that damned supernatural hearing tuned back in to the rest of the world.

The words and whispers and mutters and the blatant gossip and bad mouthing.

“Look at that younger girl sitting at that table dear...shes so thin I think she should be in a hospital not a restaurant.”

“Ewww mom look that girl looks like a skeleton!”

“ Honey shush….”

“Is….is that girl ok?”

“Dude of course she isn’t just look at her shes unhealthy as fuck. Probably has some kind of eating disorder too or something.”

It all flooded over me and all of my happy mood washed away under the wave. I couldn’t tell if the others could hear them so I grit my teeth tried to tune it all back out, trying so hard to focus more on Kori’s explanation of her points. My hands began to curl up subconsciously, making Damian’s attention snap to me. Fuckin I….no, I cant tell him...I shouldn’t. I forced my hand to uncurl and that stupid smile sprawled across my lips as if someone had put tape over them. I saw his eyes narrow and near begged mentally for him to not say anything or for Dick to distract him...anything.

“Ahem….your meal.”

I have never more thankful to a waitress before in my life...until I saw the look she gave me as she placed my admittedly large order of food in front of me, something that was normally a platter for two people’s worth of beef and sides. I caught the judgmental and suspicious look she had glancing between me and my food and I felt shame burn all over, starting to hang my head to avoid that damn look.

“ If this is all our food then your job is done. Don’t you have OTHER tables to be serving?” Damian’s curt and sharp tone cut through the air and briefly through my shame. This waitress knew nothing about me and i certainly owned no one any explanations about my eating habits, so why was she hanging around giving me looks about my food…?

“ Damian don’t be so rude!” Dick cleared his throat and I felt his strong arm wrap protectively around my shoulder as he leaned close to the edge of the table while Kori’andr apologized for Damian’s attitude vaguely. But I could hear it, there wasn’t much life to her apology. It sounded like a politely required apology, almost...defensive?

“ I am so sorry about my little brother Miss. He’s also sorry. But do you need anything else since we seem to be all set here but you’re still hanging around when you must be very busy…?” Dick’s words were sweet and cheerful, but there was an edge to his tone that gave a clear warning. His arm around me tightened a little protectively as he gave one of his signature charming smiles that could light up half the damn city as he then inquired if there was some sort of problem. The waitress stammered that there wasn’t any problem and that it was fine and for us to enjoy our meal before scampering away to continue her work. I felt other patrons eyes most DEFINITELY on us now and I couldn’t help shrinking into the taller man’s side to hide.

“ I’m sorry this keeps happening…” I murmured to him as our respective dates started eating and slowly reviving their conversation, moving on to mission recounts and training while Damian shot a dark look at the other patrons that made them look away. Dick gave my shoulder a squeeze and i moved closer for that familiar warmth and comfort...my chest felt heavy and my appetite had died and I wanted to curl up in my room and die of the shame. But I couldn’t, he wouldn’t have let me. So instead I instinctively sought out the safety Dick’s presence brought me, like a protective older sibling whose arms I could be enveloped in and forget about the harsh world outside them.

He knew without words, catching my body language before anyone else at the table. He knew me best.

“ Do you want to leave? We can get to go boxes and enjoy this meal all the same back at the tower, or even mine and Kori’s apartment. Is that what you’d rather do?” It was tempting, oh god it was so tempting to just say yes and let him lead me away while I re-gathered myself, same way he did when we were both 13 and living under the same roof...before…

I shook my head and forced those thoughts to the very back of my mind. I was in a dark enough place of mind already without that.

“ N-no...you guys set this up...i...i don’t want one nosy waitress to ruin our whole meal. Lets just eat ok D?” He smiled at the nickname and ruffled my hair with a nod, both him and Kori making sure I knew if things got too uncomfortable we could leave and the heaviness eased a little at their consideration. I started picking at my food and slowly regaining my appetite, once again nudging Damian with my foot to start up conversations. I ignored the words for the majority of the dinner, we even began to enjoy ourselves again. The last straw was probably as we were paying and putting leftovers in to go bins. I was admittedly nibbling on food out of my bin, despite starting to feel full.

“ I swear you are a bottomless pit sometimes Gracia.” I rolled my eyes at Damian’s remark and gave him a small smirk as I licked my fingers clean.

“ This bottomless pit can still kick your ass in training wonder boy~” He grunted and I saw the challenge glow in his eyes as he smirked back, an excitement for tomorrow’s combat training flaring up between us.

“ You really shouldn’t mix up your delusional dreams with reality alpha PUP.” I said something snarky back and we began to bicker halfheartedly over who was winning. I finally snapped shut my leftover box and stood with Damian as we stared each other down confidently, Dick chuckling at our competitiveness.

“ Tomorrow morning’s combat training will certainly be interesting with these two all riled up already.” The words didn’t fully process as I cracked my knuckles and squared up to the admittedly….taller boy.

“ Last I checked Damian I was ahead 11-10. And tomorrow, I just cant wait to make it 12.” He gave a hard laugh to my face and faced up to me with a smirk as our other two companions stood and shooed us more in front of the table so they could leave their seats. He opened his mouth to say something likely scalding and snarky back at me when the worst comment pierced between us both like a goddamn bullet.

“ Damn, I never knew such a sickly, too skinny bitch like her could eat like such a fat fucking pig.”

I think I stopped breathing as my body flinched at the following laughter. The man was clearly on the tipsy side and sitting at a larger table with a group of laughing friends, though the one who said it was standing next to the table with a drink that reeked of the cheapest alcohol this restaurant probably sold, and he didn’t stop there. Oh god of course he didn’t stop there. He kept laughing and loudly making obvious comments at me and openly mocking me and how much I ate to his table, either fully aware of what he was doing and that we could clearly see and hear him or too drunk to really care as more insults and name calling that I had heard and seen and read plenty of times before fell from his mouth. My heart was pounding in my ears as the next few moments happened slowly.

I thought I had seen anger plenty of times before, the worse being the one and only time someone made a malicious joke about my appearance to my face when I was walking beside Jason and it took all my supernatural strength to drag him off and away the guy before he murdered him in broad daylight and to keep him walking to wherever we had been heading.

I had seen pissed, but I had never seen downright hellish fury until that moment when I looked at Damian and Dick.

I had seen Damian mad, and angry, and pissed, a few times in our first meetings at me personally. I had seen Dick mad, angry, and pissed off a a fair chunk of times, even if they had never been directly at me. I had never seen this expression on either of them in those times. And in those few moments that passed almost in slow motion and Damian began to lurch forward with murderous intent the thought finally hit me. ‘ Was this...the first time these two had really heard the comments about me? Oh god…’ I felt like I was moving in honey as Damian stalked past me and I tried to reach out to him slowly, a gleam to his eyes that made my blood go cold.

If someone was to ask me in the future what I believed Death looked like, I would say with completely conviction that death would have the exact eyes Damian had in that moment: lethal, merciless, and furious. And he would have Dick’s cold expression, a look I never wanted to see on the normal cheerful man’s face ever again.

Time snapped back to a normal speed like a whip and my hand grasped nothing but air as Damian stormed over to the man.

“D...da--”

“What did you just say you disgusting drunk.” I might’ve shivered at his tone and I felt Kori’s hands on my shoulders tugging me back protectively as she looked down at me worried.

“ Gracie...don’t listen to him, there’s no reason to cry.” Cry? What was she talking ab--

That’s when I felt it, something warm and wet sliding down my cheeks and dripping off my chin. I...I was crying. My walls and my limit of bottling things in for one day was crumbling away as I watched Damian go to confront the man, my voice disappearing under the surge of hurt and anxiety. I couldn’t even say his damn name. I felt frozen and helpless as Dick stalked after Damian, fists clenched.

I had to do something say something anything to stop them before things went badly I had to I had--

“Eh?What the fuck did you say to me brat?”

“ You heard me you worthless piece of filth. Apologize to her, now.”

I needed to do something anything as I felt myself crumbling. Why wasn’t Dick stopping him why

“ And what if I don’t pipsqueak? You gonna hit me? Now scram. Maybe take your little bitch to a hospital for treatment instead of parading her around a restaurant with normal people!”

“ He might not do anything, But I will. Now take it back before things get messy.”I think my body began trembling as I watched panic swelling. I just wanted to leave and go home. I didn’t want to see this unfold, I just wanted to be home at the tower curled under my covers to simulate the warmth of another person holding me. I wanted to be anywhere, anywhere else then stuck in this nightmare.

So I moved without thinking and lunged, aiming for the back of Dick’s jacket to grab and ready to swallow any shards of pride and beg to leave. Instead I collided with Damian’s back and rolled with it, hugging him tightly from behind and tugging back with a whimper.

“ P-please you two...l...lets just leave...please lets just go home please…” Kori grabbed Dick’s arm firmly and tugged him back.

“ Dick...shes in the midst of an anxiety attack, let it go and lets leave. We need to get her out of here.” He took a difficult deep breath but nodded glaring down the man harshly enough that he flinched and scurried to the bar with his tail between his legs mumbling insults. One of his friends started to stand and began nervously apologizing, though one vicious look from the boy I was holding shut him up fast. It took me and Kori working together to drag the two out of the restaurant and the ride home was tense and silent. I couldn’t look at any of them, instead opting to stare at my feet wiping my eyes.

“ Does that happen often. People talking about you like that.” His cold tone made me flinch a little. At this point I was so upset and anxious and emotionally drained on the inside that I thought Damian was mad at me of all people for what happened. Those dark thoughts began to slowly bubble up to the surface and my insecurities screamed that he blamed me for what happened in the restaurant. I remained silent, too upset to answer. I heard his growl of annoyance and I began to hunch up, ready for a verbal fight.

“ Damian drop it for now. Shes in no right place of mind to talk about it.” Dick warned from the driver seat with a low voice that reminded me he was also upset and angry. When we got back   to the tower I didn’t wait for anyone to say anything, I just bolted for my room as fast as I could, at a inhuman, unnatural speed that they couldn’t keep pace with.

I stayed locked in my room for three days, not willing to face any of them the next morning during training. Everything was heavy and hurt and it was hard trying to rebuild those shattered walls of protection, that image of unbothered confidence. I stayed in bed locked away from the world and curled up under the weak protection of my sheets mostly unresponsive to those outside it.

The first to come knocking and checking on me was Kori, asking if I was ok and if I needed to talk. She left after a little while of trying for a response unsuccessfully though, saying she’d come back to check on me later. It was maybe an hour later that Garfield came knocking, asking why I’d missed breakfast AND training. His voice was concerned as he asked if everything was ok and if I was even in there. The concern poked painfully into my silence, tempting me to speak and make myself vulnerable.

Vulnerability killed. I knew that first hand. So I forced myself to stay quiet until his knocks and footsteps faded away.

The rest of the day passed in a bit of a self deprecating blur, only marked by Kori’s two other attempts at my door. The last one I barely noticed as exhaustion kicked back in and I drifted off into an unsteady sleep

The next day after I woke up things still went by in a near timeless blur. I could hear my phone buzzing and vibrating and rattling for my attention but I left it there on the nightstand unnoticed and curled further under the sheets, lost in a slate tinted world of dark thoughts and darker temptations. But that day was harder to drift away through.

The first to stop by was Jamie, knocking a few times and calling out to me with concern and worry clear in his voice as he asked if I was ok. He asked if I’d eaten at all since yesterday, since he hadn’t seen me leave my room. The thought of eating made my stomach stir and my body curl around it ashamed. He knocked a few more times after that, his voice growing a bit more worried at the lack of answer. After awhile I heard him walk away and I barely lifted my head as I hugged my too skinny too unhealthy body close, feeling those blaring imperfections and flinching at myself.

It was no wonder everyone said those things...if so many people said them so often then they must be true.

The next to come by was Raven. She only knocked twice and gave a small sigh.

“ Gracie...I know you’re in there. If you need someone to talk to...my room is in the next hall over, and I will be here to listen. I wont force you to come out...just please remember you aren’t alone here. You have the team behind you.” I bit my lip hard enough to make it bleed to keep my ensuing whimper silent. The words, soothing and reassuring in context, stabbed into my heart and my resolve. I WANTED to depend on them, to throw open the door and break down under the assurance I could and would not be treated differently after, and be assured and comforted and remind of the positives. I wanted it so badly I was scared of it. Or maybe...I was scared of it NOT happening as those damn fears and insecurities and dark thoughts sowed heavy doubt through me. She lingered a little longer than Jaime, eventually her footsteps disappearing. I remember meekly poking my head from the sheets to stare absently out the half covered windows lost in thought, time slipping by me once more to the point I almost didn’t register Garfield and Kori both stopping by my door again at least twice more worried.

When Dick stopped by as the sun was setting was when the harder pain set in.

I heard the knocks and ignored it in favor of the changing color sky the sunset offered, my room washed in a dim orange and amber gleam. Then I heard his voice, soft and sick with worry from the outside and my heart thudded so hard it hurt. Hard.

“ Gracie...C’mon Gracie-girl please open the door. We’re all worried about you...I’m really worried about you. You haven’t eaten for a day and a half...Please let me in...” I almost broke completely at the pain in that familiar voice, the voice I never wanted to be the cause of being in pain or anguish again.

Well looks like I did a GREAT job of preventing that didn’t I?

He knocked again, asking and pleading and trying to reason, anything to get that door to open. My eyes burned with hot fresh tears and I curled up into a tight ball whimpering softly and breaking my vow of silence.

“....D-dick...p-please...j-just leave me a-alone…I-i just need some t-time alone…”

My voice came out pathetically weak and shaking with tears, which I know he heard. There was a silence for a few moments, perhaps shock that I actually answered this time. I felt warmth sliding down my cheeks as he sighed and reluctantly muttered that he’d come check back on me tomorrow and that there was leftover dinner ready for me to heat up on the kitchen counter before he slowly walked away. His fading footsteps echoing in my ears. Was my heart breaking on every step away? I couldn’t tell. That feeling slipped into the dark thoughts that followed the setting sun. Dark thoughts that also reminded me of the one person who HADN’T come to check on me, and the resulting pain of his absence.

The third day had been mostly quiet. It was almost a painful relief, quiet meant no additional pain of--

“ Gracia.”

That one word coming from Damian’s mouth sent so many things through me and sent any resolve I had spiraling away. His tone was a forced kind of neutral, he sounded as if he was trying to stay calm but it wasn’t exactly working. There was something to his voice I had no energy to figure out. He didn’t knock and there was silence for a few moments but I felt his presence remain.

“ You haven’t eaten since the restaurant.” No questions with him, he didn’t need to ask, always calm and analyzing.

“ ...You cant just stay in there forever Gracia.” A stern lilt to his voice, weakly enforced by the faint sound of his hand on the door. I could only whimper and curl up more. There was another stretch of silence before he sighed and his footsteps continued down the hall.

He was the only one to come check on me, a blessing and a damnation.

The day and night went by so listlessly I didn’t remember falling asleep, only waking up to banging knocks on my door. The volume grated on my sensitive hearing and made me flinch. Who would even be knocking like that…?

“ Oi. Kid. I know you’re still in there. Open the door.” Jason’s hard and no shit taking voice shot through me. Why...Why was Jason in the tower? Why was he in the city?

The knocking continued relentlessly, unlike the others. It even got louder and angrier.

“ Kid I said open this goddamn door.” There was no request or plea in his voice. It was a command, a harsh, cold command. I tried covering my ears with my hands and curling into a tight ball as the knocking continued. He wasn’t about to give up to a little girl.

I knew this too well.

“ Graciea Rosica Lucio I swear to god if you don’t open this goddamn door in the next couple second I will break it down. Now get off your fucking ass and answer me.” I don’t know what it was, but hearing his threat sent my body into mechanical motion, trudging over to the door and reluctantly unlocking it and letting it slide open with a low hiss, the banging finally ceasing. I couldn’t look him in the face, empty and ashamed it took threats to get me to open the door. So I stared dully at his boots and took in his scent as he grabbed the front of my shirt and dragged me back inside. I stumbled clumsily along with as he sat me on my bed and stood in front of me. I kept my gaze down towards his knees, the smell of nicotine wisping off his body in a way that told me he very recently had been smoking, no less than an hour ago most likely. Smoke and city is what filled my room. There was only a beat of silence before he spoke.

“ Look at me.” I lifted my head and stared at his chest and his crossed arms, unwilling to look him in the eyes. I couldn’t bare to see what kind of disappointed look he likely had on his face. Perhaps I didn’t want to see my reflection in his eyes, see the sickly, disgusting and bony figured girl with greasy hair and dark circles under dulled eyes and sallow cheeks. I heard the slight growl that rumbled from the back of his throat in warning and I briefly wondered if I would be forced to look him in the eyes. His arms uncrossed and I prepared myself for anything.

Anything except for two big plastic grocery bags filled with fast food bags and orders was dropped onto my lap, the contents still hot. I blinked slowly once, twice, and finally got enough courage in my confusion to look up at his face. When I did I was a little startled.

“ Eat. And you aren’t moving until those bags are polished off understand me?”

He looked visibly angry, eyes narrowed and mouth locked in a fearsome scowl with eyebrows furrowed. But his eyes were soft and worried and it took me a minute to realize worry was what was making his scowl so harsh. He crossed his arms across that broad chest again and I realized he was in his work gear, all the way down to the guns strapped to his thighs. All he lacked at the moment was his helmet and domino mask, his dark hair messier than usual and the white streak falling between his eyes. We had a staring contest and in those pupils I saw myself, I saw the shell I had become and it made me sick, breaking me briefly from the depressive haze.

How the hell had I let myself fall this far, this deep?

We didn’t speak until he grunted, eyes narrowing more in a way even those concerned blues didn’t weaken the glare as he spoke gruffly.

“ You better start eating before I start just shoving it down your damn throat.” I knew he would too. He wasn’t fucking around, I didn’t doubt he’d follow through with any threats made. Slowly I looked down at the pile of food and reached for the first bag, pulling it open and blinking fast as fresh tears stung my eyes.

It was from our favorite diner, and it was my usuals two cheeseburgers and large lightly salted fries with a second order of fat steak fries and fried pork strips. He’d even gotten all the little sides I enjoyed with it and I looked back up at him with a pained look. Maybe that look made him relax because his expression softened slightly, his voice quieting to something gentler.

“ C’mon now...I brought you all your favorites, now start eating...it’s been three days and your body cant handle that. We can talk after.” My shoulders slumped as all the tension stored in my body dissipated a little as he continued to speak, like a tightly pulled strong finally cut loose.

“ Kid I’m not mad at you. No one is. So just eat the food and then we’ll figure shit out, just like we do on any other visit.” I think the tears started falling because his face got blurry and there was warmth in my face. If I did start crying he didn’t say anything, just nodded at the bag. I gulped and slowly but surely pulled out one of the burgers and slowly took a bite, struggling a little to swallow it with a throat that was closing up from emotions. Once I did though my hunger kicked me hard and I began devouring the food, one bag after another.

It took me about a half hour to finish both plastic bags but I did, followed by slamming through at least two water bottles and one thick milkshake that almost made a mess. Jason simply watched over me as I ate from his spot in front of me. The silence was almost soothing, not painful as it had been before. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand as I looked back up at him and we made eye contact.

“ So are you going to tell me what happened? Really happened?” I broke his gaze to stare towards the floor as the acidic shame began to creep back over me. He sighed.

“ C’mon kid just let it out already. Who am I to judge? So why don’t you trust me like you USED to and tell me?” Those words shot through my heart and head.

I...I wasn’t trusting him...trusting anyone...I…i...

It was like Jason opened a flood gate.

It all came spilling out with a new surge of tears and mid sentence cracking sobs, my body physically heaving from the intensity as it all came out. All the months of insecurities and pain and doubts and fears and comments and negativity and hate and bullying came rushing out like a tidal wave and Jason took to all, listening to everything without a single word as I let everything out and let myself break down completely, wails and sobs replacing words eventually. I felt him shift and kneel in front of me, felt big strong sturdy hands grip my shoulders to steady me and keep me anchored as I buried my face into my hands and gasped out cries and pained wailing yowls that filled the room and spilled out of it. I vaguely remember the sounds of multiple hurried footsteps coming towards the door but I didn’t care. All I felt was Jason’s hands on my shoulders and his steady, continuous heartbeat in my ears as well as he strong breathing. One set of footsteps dared to enter the room and hurry over, only stopped by Jason’s calm voice.

“ Let her get it out, its the only thing that’ll help.” The footsteps stopped and eventually the wails faded into blubbering whimpers and whines and hiccups, constantly sniffling. I lifted my head to look at him through blurred eyes and got one brief sight of Dick standing behind Jason that sent me into a whole new wave of sobs.

God I’ve been nothing but selfish and now I’d fucking hurt Dick again even when I swore I’d never do that again and i--

I let out a high pitched whine that turned into pathetic blubbered and wailed apologies. Over and over like a broken record I couldn’t stop apologizing to them for everything even parts that weren’t my fault  in any way I still apologized for it I just couldn’t stop. Jason’s grip on me tightened only slightly before slipping away and for a single moment I was terrified I’d annoyed him with all the apologies and was about to add that to my list of them when two strong arms wrapped around me and and Dick’s scent surrounded me.

“ Shh shh shh shhh….shhh Gracie its ok now shh shh its ok I got you its not your fault…” I sniffled and wailed out more sobs and begs for forgiveness as I clung to him like he was a life preserver. And at that moment he was. He hugged me tighter and practically cradled me into his chest stroking my hair as he murmured reassurances, assuring me I was well forgiven and it wasn’t my fault. Everyone got insecurities especially when facing so much negativity. How I was so strong for fighting it for so long regardless. But it was ok to not always be strong and be able to handle it. That he was there and it was ok now. It took awhile but eventually all my noise quieted down to sniffles and hiccups and the occasional whimper as my trembling and heaving finally eased away into a limp tiredness. I felt exhausted but in a way different than the past couple days. I felt lighter and the more Dick spoke gently the lighter and more relaxed I felt,all the pain easing as he banished every dark thought one by one.

“ You ARE a hero Gracie.”

“ you aren’t a skeleton or a scarecrow or a twig.”

“ You are not too bony.”

“ You’re beautiful.”

“ You aren’t sick and you don’t need any doctors.”

“ You’re ok. The way your body works and retains weight naturally is not your fault.”

“ You’re only thirteen you’re still growing kiddo.”

“ I was scrawny and thin until I was at least sixteen Gracie its not that uncommon.”

“ You do NOT have to hold yourself to stupid human beauty standards.”

“ You’re beautiful to us, that’s all that matters.”

“ You’re ok, you have us.”

Each and every statement cleared my mind and I slumped against him with tears still falling down my cheeks. His hand carefully cupped the back of my neck in a soothing gesture to ease the wolf side of me, adding a very small amount of pressure to ensure the sense of security and safety the movement brought. I whispered out a hoarse thank you, my throat sore and raw but already beginning to heal. He smiled into my hair and I let my eyes slip shut in contentment. I felt...stabilized, as if the whole world had been constantly tilted dangerously under my feet for months and now it had finally been returned to normal, balancing me once again.

I felt a second, no technically third, hand tangle itself into my thick and greasy hair and ruffle it affectionately, fingers tangling themselves in the dark chestnut locks.

“ We’re always here for you kid. Whether you like it or not. You can be honest and confide in your inner circle Gracie. We aren’t going to look at you any differently...so next time don’t keep your mouth shut.” My nerves settled and I leaned into his hand with a loud hiccup, making him snort. I looked up and saw both older men smiling down at me, both with their own kind of soft expressions. I rubbed my eyes and wiped my nose and smiled back shakily, feeling like everything was going to be ok for the first time in a long while.

I learned a few things a few hours later, after I’d fallen asleep in Dicks arms and woke up on the couch out in the Tower’s game room with Garfield and Jaime looking after me. My head was resting on Garfield’s leg and he had his elbow rested on my upper arm comfortably as he and Jaime played some kind of two player video game, keeping their voices lower than usual to be considerate of me sleeping. Opening my eyes was difficult as they felt dry and crusted and stung from crying so much. But my throat was no longer sore. When they saw I was awake they paused the game and and told me they were happy I was up, as I had been out cold for at least a solid couple hours. That was when I learned the first thing : Dick and Kori had informed the team of the incident at the restaurant after the first day I stayed locked up in my room, and Garfield had let it slip in his rage that he thought I had finally stopped getting those comments, and confessed that I’d been getting bullied and harassed about my appearance online for months. What I found out was all those months what I failed to notice was Garfield fighting back on my behalf every chance he got. He defended me, constantly called people out for harassment and even worked on getting some of the worst and most aggressive ones banned. For months he’d been do it as relentlessly as he could, filling his own social medias with both our pictures and his constant defense and positivity towards me to fight it back. It got lost in my own comment section so I stupidly didn’t realize. It warmed my heart knowing he’d kept my back even when I never noticed or mentioned it, though he waved it off and just gave me his big old smile telling me it wasn’t that big a deal,

“ After all, you’d do the same for me in a heartbeat!” And he wasn’t wrong. But I still hugged him tight in thanks anyway, an embrace he happily returned as he warned me next time I lied about being harassed there’d be hell to pay.

I assured him there wasn’t going to be a next time anymore and for the first time in months finally wholeheartedly meant it.

The second thing I learned was Jaime told me during those first two days I was locking myself away Damian had gone back to the restaurant and used Bruce’s name to hunt that guy that had been harassing me down and gotten a few hefty harassment charges and minor endangerment charges slapped onto the guy, throwing in a sob story of how I was now in emergency care in the hospital because of him. I knew he didn’t throw his last name around often, didn’t exactly like having to do so to be taken seriously. The fact he did for me…

I had a lot more feelings for Damian after that knowledge.

The third thing I learned was that the only reason Dick and Kori hadn’t come by to check on me yesterday was was because they spent the entire time hunting for Jason to get his help with getting me out, and when they DID find him he stormed for the tower and made it there before they did somehow, he was that angry.

As they were telling me this and retelling a very tense video call between Nightwing and Batman during the second day Damian came in in his full Robin attire, regarding us stoically. When I saw him I stood and the room quieted as I approached him, the both of us observing each other. When we stood a foot apart I stared into his masked eyes quietly and he looked into my tired eyes. I saw his mouth start to open to speak and my body lurched forward without me, hugging onto him tightly.

“Thank you...you didn’t have to do that for me thank you thank you thank you…” He was quiet and I was about to let go and move away when I felt his arm come around me and grip the back of my shirt, returning the embrace. Neither of us was at a point that we were really physically affectionate by any means but my heart swelled when he hugged me back, leaning his head against my own and allowing me to bask in the warmth of his arms and his scent. When I felt him roll his shoulders I took that as my cue and slowly pulled away, gently pressing a kiss to his cheek as I did before retreating back to give him his space.

I think I saw his cheek flare pink but I’ll never say for sure because that would mean admitting just how red my own cheeks were.

I’d love to say that after that everything ended happily and perfectly and things went great forever and ever. But I cant, life doesn’t work like that.

But things did get better.

I was under heavy supervision several weeks, with almost stricter watches on my food intake to make sure I didn’t try to over eat or try to force weight gain. Bruce had me stay with him and Damian for a few weeks as well to make sure I didn’t slip back into that dark place. It was a bit smothering at times...but in all honesty I welcomed the smothering because I knew it meant how much they all cared. And staying with Bruce again...it brought up my mood believe it or not. Being in the manor brought back happier memories of my childhood and seeing the man I considered a fatherly figure more often perked me up. Plus I got to see Tim a lot more than usual in those few weeks, a perk and joy all in itself as he kept me company when he wasn’t too busy with his work. Tim was also the one who disabled all comments on my social medias one calm rainy evening in the lounge. I was grateful and he patted my head after as he read his case files. I think I might’ve fallen asleep against him, I cant say I fully remember. With each passing week I felt better and better. It took a long time for my self esteem and confidence to rebuild itself, but it got some jump starts. Perhaps the best part was two months later after a sparring session with Kori. She was giving me tips on striking with a staff when Dick and the big bad bat Brucie himself walked in.

“ Batman? Has something happened?” He shook his head and put his hand on my shoulder.

“ I’m going to borrow Gracie for a few minutes.” Dick gently took her hand and smiled as he whispered something to her as he led me out of the training room and placed a long bottle of what looked like red chewy vitamins into my hand. When I looked up at him confused he gave me some of the best news of my life.

“ These are specially created vitamins designed to accommodate your body’s inhuman metabolism. Tim helped me create them. They're designed to help regulate fats and carb distribution in your body and allow your body to hold onto and gain more weight without immediately burning it off. Take one every week and in a few months you should be up at least one weight class if not more as long as you keep to your regular healthy eating habits, just like you wanted. By Tim’s calculations within the year you should gain enough weight to have a thicker figure, though you may always retain this thinner “ballet-ques” figure...you will more closely resemble the figure of girls your age.” I stared up at him then at the vitamins and sniffled, fighting off tears of joy. All those weeks with Tim and his seemingly just curious questions about my species and their anatomy...the “ case files”...I owed Tim a lot for this.

“ It was Dick’s idea, after all that happened two months ago.” The softer tone brought a smile to my face and I nodded, barely restraining the urge to hug Bruce while he was in the cowl.

“ T-thank you...thank you this means more to me than you know…” He nodded and turned to leave but I caught the ghost of a smile on his face as he walked away.

And once he had I ran back into the training room and tackled Dick to the ground with a ecstatic howl, shifting mid leap into wolf form and licking his face in gratitude, making him laugh as he lazily tried to push away my affection.

I started taking them that day, and it took a few months for a noticeable difference to take place, but it did. My clothes and uniform stopped hanging off me like a walking scarecrow and I started developing the beginning of a feminine figure. I stopped trying to stuff my face too much at every meal and with every week after my self esteem raised back up a little higher. Maybe people saw it in the big, wide crooked smiles in pictures of me now, no matter who they were with. Or maybe the team saw it in the fact I stopped trying to hide my body in layers of clothes, walking around in my favorite tank top after missions instead of over sized sweatshirts and shirts, or the fact I didn't mind sudden pictures taken of me. Regardless it showed and in time I was more than happy to show off that confidence. Throughout it all Jason made near constant visits between jobs to make sure I didn’t have too major of setbacks and Dick stayed by my side as often as he could, supporting me and being a physical reminder almost that I was never alone.

And I didn't feel alone.

And one day as I was getting ready for an outing I paused in front of the mirror and looked at myself, looked at my slightly more filled out tank top and the small curve of slightly more defined hips and an actually fairly filled out stomach, a fuller figure to match my broader than normal shoulders. I slowly looked into my own eyes and after a moment I began to smile.

Somehow….I didn't hate looking into the mirror as much as I used to.

“ I do not look that bad. I look fine.”

“ Gracie c’mon you coming? C’mon the others are gonna leave without us!”

I smiled at my reflection wider before running off out of the room after Jaime’s voice.

“ Im coming!!”

I dont look that bad.

And now I could finally start to see that.

The end.

OOOOOOOH ITS FINALLY DONE ITS FINALLY DONE! 

Ive been working on this for three months now and it was really difficult to finish. Originally it wasnt supposed to be so angsty but...it turned out really angsty at the end.

@phantommoonpeople

@kid-crashed

@call-me-n0ni-chan

Tagging those I know will want to read this

I hope you all like it!!

[omanu]

i have a few tags to do, so im gonna do them all in one post so i dont keep tagging the same ppl in multiple things idk. dont worry, you dont need to do them if u dont want to ♥

i was tagged by @nashira , the angel ♥

¤ nickname: well, irl is manu, but tbh my name is manu. i have another nickname my family uses, that is budi lol

¤ zodiac sign: sagittarius 

¤ height: the best scenario here is 167cm, idk how much that is in ft or whatever lmao

¤ orientation: ….. like everyone 

¤ favourite fruit: cantaloupe 

¤ favourite season: winter and fall

¤ favourite book: i dont think i have one, but like, the last book i read was fucking amazing everyone should read, it’s gay, it’s a series of three books, and it’s called when women were warriors.

¤ favourite flower: all of them? i love flowers in general

¤ favourite scent: RAIN, and ngl the scent of matches 

¤ favourite animal: dogs and cats

¤ favourite colour: light colors and also black and blue

¤ coffee, tea or hot cocoa: hot cocoa

¤ average sleep hours: well now i sleep a lot i would say 8-12 

¤ cat or dogs: BOTH

¤ n° of blankets: just one

¤ dream trip: ANY GOOD BEACH

¤ blog created: idr well, but 2015? or maybe late 2014. but ive been on tumblr since 2009/2010 lol

¤ favourite song: ……..dude idk rn is any song of bts, but on my last fm it’s probably a song by adam, the love of my life. and i love too many songs so i cant just write them all

Rules: Use the first letter of your name to answer each question. Real answers only. If the person who tagged you has the same initial, you must give different answers. You cannot use the same word twice. Once you enter your answers, tag 10 other people! i was tagged by @superunknwn​ , another angel ♥

Your name: Manu

A four letter word: mole *looks at nashira and sara* A boy’s name: … Manu An occupation: Musician Something you can wear: mittens  A place: McDonald's  A reason for being late: … idk … Moving? Medical matter? idk i used two words but they both begin with the letter m lol Something you shout: mYLES A movie title: Moana Something you drink: Martini An animal: Monkey A type of car: Mercedes  Song title: Ma City by bts lol i was just singing this

i was tagged by @bensun​ a looooong time ago sorry, but i too love doing these so why not. this one is similar to the first tag game, but im doing it anyway

Answer the questions and tag 20 followers you would like to get to know better! —————– Name: Manu

Nicknames: budi. i want new nicknames tbh, cute ones.

Zodiac Sign: sagittarius

Height: 167cm 

Orientation: same, i like all genders but the s*x part is……. uh, idrl

Ethnicity: native brazilian (indigenous) (wow i just saw this on the internet and im using it), mixed with whi*te some time in the past. i would know better if whi*es hadnt done that

Favorite Fruit: Probably blueberries or just berries in general and I loooove smoothies …. with any fruit to be honest

Favorite Season: Fall and winter

Favorite Book: to mention another one im reading the third book of the vampire chronicles, i love the second one, i love lestat

Favorite Flowers: yeah i like flowers, but idrn their names, i just love it

Favorite Color: light colors, but also black and blue again

Favorite Animal: dogs and cats

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: hot chocolate

Average Sleep Hours: 8-12 ay

Cat or Dog Person: BOTh

Favorite Fictional Character: MIDNIGHTER

Number of Blankets I sleep with: just one

Ideal trip: beach!!

Blog Created: 2015 ig 

dear @superunknwn​ tagged me on this a looooooooooooooong ass time ago, sorry ily (actually she didnt tagged me but i wanted to do this so i just saved on my drafts) 
Rules: 
1. go to this site: https://www.random.org/lists/ 2. Pick 15 of your favorite characters or favorite people from your fandoms and list them 3. Tag at least 5 people 4. Have fun with it! 
— 
1. Mom/dad: Apollo!!!!!!!!!! yes!!!!! 2. Your sibling: jim halpert lmaoo thats fine 3. Your grandma/grandpa:  michael jackson 4. Haunts you: park seo joon 5. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: adam lambert (ok…. i would prefer jhope but ok) 6. Your ex: taystee hdsfkhfdksjh 7. Your best friend: MIDNIGHTER 8. Proposed to you: MYLES KENNEDY DHJKSHFDF 9. Your boss: slash….. thats not ideal but glad that i know him 10. The random person you met at the bar: lestat fdkslsd friend 11. Your rival: seo in guk NOOOOO he is my bf wtf 12. Gave you your first kiss: rothen skljkld 13. Drunk and singing karaoke with: lzzy hale my love 14. Played 7 minutes in heaven with:  JHOPE DFHKFSDJKSFHKJSD 15. Gave you your favorite dessert: chris traeger, my favorite dessert is not raisins

tbh im not gonna tag ppl anymore, ive already tagged everybody, yall just can do it

@lionesslindsey tagged me on this a looong time ago too, no surprise

RULES: answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions. (but that’s so many D: I’m too awkward for so many) (relatable lmao) Tagging: everyone i tagged on this long ass post Whoever wants to do this though, go ahead!

1. coke or pepsi: i dont drink soda heh 2. disney or dreamworks: I love them both, but my absolute fav movie is The Lion King. lindsey i just copied ur answer bc BITCH ME TOO, just addin Mulan here 3. coffee or tea: i dont like coffee and i never really wanted to try tea lmao 4. books or movies: Both!!!!! 5. windows or mac: only tried windows 6. dc or marvel: DC pls 7. xbox or playstation: even though i dont have and console, i like ps better 8. dragon age or mass effect: never played. dont have a console lmao 9. night owl or early riser: if those are video games…. never played i dont have a console 10. cards or chess: cards! 11. chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate 12. vans or converse: converse, never owned vans bc im poor af, so i would probably like both 13. lavellan, trevelyan, cadash, or adaar: have no idea what those are 14. fluff or angst: fluff pls 15. beach or forest: beach!!!!!!! 16. dogs or cats: BOTH 17. clear skies or rain: BOTH 18. cooking or eating out: it depends on my mood tbh 19. Spicy food or mild food: both 20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: what 21. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: a little too cold 22. if you could have a superpower, what would it be: stop time 23. animation or live action: animations 24. paragon or renegade: what 25. baths or showers: baths, even though i dont own a bathtub 26. team cap or team ironman: Iron Man 27. fantasy or sci-fi: Fantasy 28. do you have three or four favourite quotes? not really 29. youtube or netflix: youtube 30. harry potter or percy jackson: hp, but pj was pretty awesome and diverse than hp.... actually I think I only like hp more bc of the movies, but pj... is very awesome too idk 31. when you feel accomplished: 6. dc or marvel: when i finish a drawing 32. star wars or star trek: star wars 33. paperback books or hardback books: as long as i have books 34. horror or rom-com: yikes rom-com 35. to live in a world without literature or music: death 36. pastel colours or dark colours: i love both!!!!!! 37. tv shows or movies: bitch everything is both here 38. city or countryside: city, but i too love contryside 39. if any other zodiac sign could describe you, what would it be: i have no idea 40. if you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life what would it be: dont ask me that omg 41. cinema or theatre: cinema 42. if you could be any fictional character’s best friend, who’d you be: midnigher’s 43. smiling or smirking: slut for both 44. are you an ‘all or nothing’ type or are you more consistent: i dont do anything so idk dude 45. playlists or your whole library on shuffle: shuffle 46. travelling or staying at home: traveling, but i would love staying at my own home 47. books or fanfiction: Both 48. If you could live in a fantasy world, what world would it be: huh, i had never thought about this, i cant answer now. but probably i would choose to live in one of my daydreaming shit 49. your favorite cartoon: idk i live irmão do jorel, a brazilian cartoon 50. name the weirdest five songs on your itunes, current or past: bruh im dont know 51. mountains or plains: both! 52. favorite anime (or tv show if you don’t watch anime): YURI ON ICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 53. which social media platform are you most like yourself on: Tumblr AND youtube 54. What are some of your passions: music 56. If you have a pet, do they do anything interesting/weird (like a cat that plays fetch, a bird that can say funny things, etc)? : not really. my cat sleeps funny sometimes hsajkdhas

[cbanc]

edrules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions

tagged by @support-your-support​

1. coke or pepsi: Coke all the way, hard to have a Captain and Coke without Coke 2. disney or dreamworks: Disney 3. coffee or tea: I will drink coffee at almost any given time, tea is also really really good and I love it but coffee is just too good

4. books or movies: These days I tend to do the movies, I used to read literally all the time but my ADHD makes it nearly impossible for me to sit still and read something, it sucks 5. windows or mac: Man, apple fucking sucks.  6. dc or marvel: Marvel, they make better movies and I really do love Spiderman 7. x-box or playstation: Playstation if i had to choose one. Really I just use my PC for all games now but at least playstation has Bloodbourne and Nioh 8. dragon age or mass effect: They’re both bad?

9. night owl or early riser: I hate the sun 10. cards or chess: I really like chess but I almost never play it anymore so I’d be bad at it so I’ll go with cards 11. chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate 12. vans or converse: I like them both a lot and I wish I could wear Converse because they make JoJo Converse but they don’t fit my feet because my feet are wide so I’m gonna have to go with Vans since I can sometimes wear them 13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar:  ......is this what the kids are into these days? I have no idea what this even means 14. fluff or angst: Is there any context for this question or.....? 15. beach or forest: I like the beach when the sun isn’t too bright and hot, I live in the forest practically so no thanks 16. dogs or cats:  DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 17. clear skies or rain: Like I have said before, fuck you Sun 18. cooking or eating out: Eh both can be fun, I hate cooking for myself but boy do I love cooking for friends 19. spicy food or mild food: spicy my dude, I put Sriracha on everything 20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: Pretty much all holidays have lost their magic in like the past couple of years sadly 21. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: Too cold, you can always put on more clothes but you can only take so much off 22. if you could have a superpower, what would it be: I’d either want transmutation powers (similar to Full Metal Alchemist) or shapeshifting powers cuz then I could just be super good looking which would be cool for a change 23. animation or live action: You can just do so much more with Animation  24. paragon or renegade: Yet again, is this what kids are into? 25. baths or showers: Showers, I always want to just take a nap in the bath  26. team cap or team ironman: Probably Iron Man cuz Spiderman is on his side too 27. fantasy or sci-fi: I don’t believe they are mutually exclusive  28. do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so what are they:  "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Is one that I will probably getting a tattoo of at some point when I actually work up the courage to do so. I do have others but quite frankly I’m too drunk to think of them 29. youtube or netflix: Youtube 30. harry potter or percy jackson: Are these series actually being compared? Harry Potter is one of my favorite pieces of literature 31. when you feel accomplished: When I am playing a game and I completely outplay my opponent (that sounds very anime now that i am writing it down) Also going back to school now and actually getting stuff done is a nice change 32. star wars or star trek: Star Wars, Star Trek is cool but very hard for me to get into 33. paperback books or hardback books: Hardcover is just so much nicer 34. horror or rom-com: I have an actual phobia of Horror movies so Rom-Com by default (still dont like them though) 35. tv shows or movies: I have a tendency to watch more TV series than movies 36. favorite animal: DOG!!!!!!

37. favorite genre of music: Prog Rock is cool but most Rock in general  38. least favorite book: Probably the Scarlet Lettter, I generally don’t read books I don’t like 39. favourite season: Fall is the only season when I can wear a sweater and not have allergies 40. song that’s currently stuck in your head: Wolf In Cheap Clothing- Thank You Scientist  41. what kind of pajamas’s do you wear: Depending on how warm it is a sweatshirt, after that a t-shirt and then gym shorts with nothing underneath them cuz its nice to be able to breathe

42. do you enjoy drawing mandalas: I had to look this one up and no because I don’t draw shit...so I guess I don’t know why I bothered to look it up

43. would you rather only be able to listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only be able to listen to a song once and then never again:

I switch between both of these on a regular basis so I choose to not choose because I would be miserable either way

44. Poros or Quaggans?: what the hell is a Quaggan? Assuming Poros are from LoL then Poros because those guys are just great

Thanks for tagging me! I’ll tag @henriquesobliques @stormyseawisher and @h0wlu and also whoever else wants to do this is more than welcome too

[animal246]

really long posts about dealing with triggers

I have come across people who are simply triggered by colors or numbers and if anyone says them the person throws a huge fit about how triggered they are now becuz of them and how horrible the post made them feel and how awful the poster is for using those words. even tho 99% of the time the person doesn't know the triggered person and has no idea that it was triggering to them. so the triggered person ends up mad and upset becuz they were triggered and the poster ends up mad and upset becuz they got bitched at for something they weren't aware was upsetting and they feel bad becuz they triggered the person unintentionally.  I rarely interact with groups of any kind that require trigger warnings. usually if I do I will put TW whatever I think is triggering or is listed in the description as needing a TW. I will look over my post twice and be like ok what else do I need to add to the TW. then I will finally get it the way I think looks safe. within 5 minutes I will have someone bitching at me becuz I somehow triggered them becuz I said 1 word that triggered them. then they go on this long rant about how upset they are and how horrible I am for not adding that to the TW or how their system is now in crisis shut down mode becuz of me. so then they will or I will tag an admin and the admin generally just tells me to take it down all becuz 1 person got upset about it. its like walking on eggshells in those groups any time u want to post. hell I have also gotten complaints becuz I put TW and not trigger warning.... people need to realize that avoiding all triggers forever isn't healthy. it actually creates more problems. I can totally understand avoiding certain triggering people like seriously don't hangout with an abuser if u don't need to. but avoiding things that can be triggering just creates neuropathways(I think that's the word) that sends signals to the brain saying oh no I saw this triggering word now im having flashbacks I must flight fight or freeze im panicking now. but we all have to learn to control it. remind ourselves we aren't in danger every time we are triggered by something. we have to learn that we don't need to panic every time we are triggered. we all need to learn coping skills to get thru those flashbacks panic attacks triggers otherwise we cant grow or heal or make progress in healing. like I love to ride my bike and walk around this park near my house but I didn't go there much for years after an incident with my ex best friend there. even the thought of going there sent me into flashbacks. but the last 2 years since I moved back in with dad I have been going to that park often during spring-fall. theres pokestops there so that was a big motivator lol. some places I couldn't stop I had to keep going becuz it was triggering. but as time has gone on I have learned that I dont need to feel like im in danger becuz im not. yes at one time I was in danger but that was like 6 years ago. now I have been able to stop near those places and 1 spot I actually will go to where some of it happened. this past summer I had been avoiding 1 bench for years becuz that was always "our" bench. then one day im sitting on another bench which was directly in front of the sun and its hot on my neck. so im like "our" bench is in the shade and better view so im like fuck it im sitting there. so I walked over sat down and immediately I started feeling the flashbacks but im like nope not doing that. I just took a deep breath and started reading my book for about an hour with no flashbacks it was a big win for me I gained some of my power back in a way. it was just a big step forward for me. Please don't shelter yourself from all your triggers learn to face them learn how to cope/control the flashbacks/panic attacks/whatever other symptoms. it can take a long time to do it but baby steps r better than no steps. im not saying go and face your biggest trigger today im just saying find ways to get your power back. don't let whoever hurt u hold all your power. by letting them control what u do where u go they r taking a little bit of your power every time u avoid that place or thing whatever it is. also don't make people feel shitty becuz u got triggered over something they did and didn't know triggered u. if u tell them please don't talk about this its triggering then they need to respect that and not talk about that. but if u never tell them whats triggering to u then they u cant get mad at them for talking about it. they cant avoid something if they don't know what needs to be avoided. people r not mind readers they don't know what triggers who. also people need to understand the offline world and a lot of the online world is not going to use trigger warnings no matter how much u may want them to. theres gonna be a person walking down the street talking on the phone and u might over hear them say something that's triggering to u or they r wearing a triggering color. u cant expect them to change their shirt or apologize/validate/comfort u becuz u got triggered by them. its not their fault u were triggered they r just some stranger walking by trying to live their life they don't need some random stranger walking up to them like u triggered me! change your shirt its causing me flashbacks. that's not how the world works. if u need that safe space and cant handle triggers at all then stay home and don't interact with people who might trigger u. the only safe trigger free place is the one u create in your mind, room, house/apartment u live in alone or some place where theres no one around who doesn't know all your triggers. which would be a very sheltered lonely and isolated life and im pretty sure no one truly wants that. 

[dankpaladin]

Heyo!! OMG MY OWN TAG! I feel very honored! Well I do have Google with all its extras and Skype(all these to talk to people directly) but ive been debating whether to get tumblr or Twitter. I don't which to get both have their merits and downsides so... Idek any more :// I saw the content you've been posting, IT IS AWESOME! You go tell em! I found ur blog on a Voltron Directory Blog they had u listed and said it's ship free so here I am! ~Z

Part 2 (bc I talk too much): I LOVED THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! It was beautiful (Lance lacked in that department tho but I feel like they’re building him up for S3) I wish they would regard Coran as more of a caring character than a comic relief one (so much potential flashbacks w/Altean past!). The Keith arc tho. My soul cannot take it anymore. Hunk and Keith bonding! (It’s precious)! ~Z

P3(shut youp Z!): I want a direct opinion on how to call Pidge? My siblings, my bestie (i brainwashed them in joining the fandom *cackles*)and I regard her as a she but the fandom say that we are against gender fluid characters and I got scared cause I didn’t mean that!? But Pidge was awesome! (Leads on her bro!!) WHERE IS SHIRO HE BETTER BE ALIVE DREAMWORKS OR THIS GIRL WILL BE MAD! All in all I love Voltron more. Ur opinion? ~Z

Yes! you have your own tag! :-) a good way to file our discussions in one place! and oh ok that makes a lot of sense. my sister doesn’t have social media either but she has a fair idea of what’s going on in fandom thanks to me & bcos of her own lurking as well. and thats totally fine! there’s no need to force yourself to make either! OH lmao I completely forgot abt the directory. the description is sorta inaccurate now since Im not Lnce biased anymore so. though I will still be ship free! Thank u for your support and kind words! 💓

I agree abt Coran. tbh he is the True Space Mom, like I really enjoyed his moments with Lance in S1 like when he consoled him on his homesickness & then when they were both cleaning the cryo-pods. and like.. how he cares about Allura so much!?! ok and also, Im sure you’ve heard this already bc i dont think anybody was impressed lmao but I wasn’t a big fan of how they shoehorned Hunk into a comic relief role either, like the food jokes were just.. poor taste. I don’t think the creators meant to demean him in any way, but with the more serious & weighty tone of the main arc focusing on Keith and his heritage, they needed to have that comic relief to balance it out. Not justifying Hunk’s treatment he rly did deserve better but I can see why they did that. I dont like it though.

Lmao the fandom is SO harsh Im sorry you were made 2 feel that way. I think both she & they pronouns are fair game. though its canon that Pidge identifies as a girl—whether trans or cis is all headcanon territory—thanks to that one scene where she was told to ‘man up’. To add though, I see her as sort of on the spectrum... like a demigirl. i don’t think she feels strongly about gender.. as in.. she doesnt seem to hinge a lot of her identity on it? not saying that gender unimportant to her, but compared to the grand scheme of things: the whereabouts of her brother, being a paladin of voltron etc, I doubt she puts a lot of weight into it. but when she is confronted with it lmao like that little scene in the space mall and how confused she was.. Pidge is still young and like, gender is fluid, like you said. she’s probably trying to get a grip on her own gender identity herself .. and thats very much an ongoing process. I think its really open to interpretation, so either one is all right. I think he/him pronouns would be misgendering though since she did express discomfort*

Pidge was really endearing throughout the season THOUGH! I have a little. bit of criticism. but its not about her, but how her intelligence was framed? it was poor taste how the show needed to make Lance & Hunk look dumb to make Pidge look smart. considering race and all, it’s really REALLY! poor taste having to discredit two brown boys’ intelligence in order to elevate a white person’s? Like i know the creators probably didn’t mean to do that, but thats what happened when they made both Hunk & Lance the comic reliefs! I’m sure there is a way to frame Pidge as her genius self without degrading H&L, like u could have them nodding along & extending upon her ideas. HUNK at the very least who’s supposed to be the engineer of the team should have been 😕. I read somewhere on a twitter that they could both be like translators lmao, and like explain Pidge’s rambles in layman’s terms to Shiro and Keith (who prob know nothing abt engineering and all that, being solely pilots and all) and Allura and whoever else is lost lmao. Like i don’t think making them look dumb was necessary at all 😔

Im super concerned about Shiro as well 😭 Other fans are guessing he’s stuck on that astral plane which makes sense of his really really abrupt disappearance. im really curious abt whether his stay in the astral plane will involve more black lion flashbacks + more fleshing out on the history of Voltron? That would be really interesting.

And no! dont shut up! Ever!! I’m eager to read & discuss as u can see w my own long response lol! This was really enjoyable to reply to!! 

*note: I’m not an expert on gender identity.. like I do relate to Pidge abt this a lot lol so if I said anything offensive/incorrect, please let me know so I can improve upon myself!