#mainly because i was and still am recovering from their abuse

[shadowqueenjude]

Coming out with my truth 🙋‍♀️

So I read the Throne of Glass series before I read the ACOTAR series, and you know my favorite character is Lorcan (Chaol is a close second). And when Azriel was first introduced, I thought he seemed similar to Lorcan in many ways:

1. Being preoccupied with the same woman for 500 years

In Lorcan’s case, it was a little different. We don’t know when exactly Maeve took Lorcan in, but he reads as a teenager. Imagine being a poor kid on the streets, having these death powers you’re terrified of. Then this beautiful, rich queen takes you in and tells you you’re worthy and gives you a home and a life and a purpose. It’s only natural to develop an idyllic relationship and even a crush on them, especially when they’re actively manipulating you and abusing you using the blood bond. Unfortunately, poor Lorcan had no idea what the fuck love even was, so he thought it was love. Then he met Elide, his mate, and realized it was not.

In Azriel’s case, it seems like he’s convinced he’s unlovable and therefore he has latched onto Mor because he knows he has no chance with her (as she prefers women) but she’ll also never go away (or so he thinks). There are no stakes in going after someone like that, and so he continues to do it. When he finally stops going after Mor, he latches onto Elain instead, another unavailable woman. Because no matter how much he rants and complains about the cauldron, Elain is still Lucien’s mate and will never be able to give herself fully to him. I must confess I was genuinely shocked that Moriel at some point was endgame, but I am not at all surprised she retconned it because it would’ve been extremely icky.

2. Their mates are exceptionally well loved by everyone who meets them and they both have a cunty “mean girl” bestie who would literally die for them. Elide’s “mean girl” bestie is Manon, of course. Gwyn’s “mean girl” bestie is my bbg Nesta.

3. Both of them have strange shadowy “death powers” that are so rare and unheard of that no one really knows what they’re about.

4. Both of their mates have experienced some kind of SA.

Now, many characters have, but the reason it’s so important for these two characters particularly is how much it has affected them compared to other characters. Elide and Gwyn’s arcs, in many ways, revolve around their experience. Gwyn’s journey from being raped and rescued and brought to Night where she mainly lived in the library, afraid to come out because of what happened to her. Then later learning the mental and physical techniques of the Valkyries to eventually overcome it to an extent (but she still returned to the library at the end of ACOSF which shows she hasn’t fully recovered).

Elide’s SA in the Morath dungeons leading to her having difficulty believing in the goodness of men. In her POV saying that the only way she’d ever feel desire is with someone who she trusted so deeply all the horrors went away. Her finding that in Lorcan. Her journey from being a scared woman with some wits to being the bad bitch who lifted Lorcan’s axe to kill the ilken and came up with the plan to destroy Erawan.

Also a bonus: Azriel and Lorcan are the subbest men SJM has ever written😂

Things that we saw with Elorcan that I think we’ll see with Gwynriel:

In Kingdom of Ash, there is a scene where Elide watches Lorcan torture someone and she does not balk from it. I believe Gwyn will have a similar moment with Azriel.

With Elide, we saw her make the first move on Lorcan. Just like that, I think Gwyn will be pursuing Azriel.

We eventually saw Elide take up a leadership position as Lady of Perranth. I believe we’ll see something similar when Gwyn becomes the High Priestess of Prythian.

That was long. Anyway if you read this far thank you!

[system-of-a-feather]

On Trauma and Forgiveness

Before I say ANYTHING else, I absolutely DO NOT advocate for forgiving everyone and all abusers or anything of the sort. If they suck ass, if their harm is still deeply hurting you, if they're a shitty person and/or still continuing to present behaviors that make you feel unsafe, or if you REALLY just do not feel like you can or should forgive them, don't. Trust your gut and instinct. If they give you red flags, either you are not in the mental place where you are ready to process it (totally good, important and okay! Take your time) or they are probably still unhealthy, whether or not you can directly articulate why.

Additionally, this post is mainly about people who were close / important that either you or they fucked up somewhere resulting in tension and/or cutting off.

So above ANYTHING else in this post, if there is someone you refuse to forgive / couldn't imagine forgiving / do not want to forgive, I support you sticking to that. This isn't a "you should forgive everyone" post as much as some insights into forgiveness that I've gotten as I recovered that I didn't understand before when I was someone who held hard grudges and cut people who were close to me off for varying levels of valid to invalid reasons in the past.

But disclaimers aside, back to the topic. Back in the day, while I was more in trauma space and survival mode, I really fucking hated the topic of forgiveness and people discussing it because it always came off as super preachy, out of touch, and very disconnected from the amount of hurt and pain and anger I had towards people.

"My parents ruined my life since before I was born, my middle sister bullied me my entire life and intentionally worsened my neglect. Why should I forgive them? What benefit do they have for me? Why do they DESERVE forgiveness? I'm better off by myself, on my own, living my own free life without these 'weak' attachments to people that have hurt me before. (Note, it is not weak to have attachments to people, I am voicing my own past thoughts on the matter) I'm BETTER than that."

But honestly a friend that I rekindled things with after an honest to god dumb (not entirely invalid in context considering the place in recovery we were at, but pretty dumb in hindsight) that had me thinking about things I value these days in my life as far down with healing and recovery as I've gotten and it made me realize, I forgive a lot of people A LOT these days and I arguably honestly love to forgive people that I've cut myself off from before.

Almost all my MAIN supports - actually I think basically ALL of my main core support system - were people that I had varying levels of valid to invalid reasons (all of which are understandable in the context to the time) to cut off for at least a year each. My best friend / writing partner? Cut him off at least 3 or 4 times. My fiance? AGGRESSIVELY cut him off. My parents? Definitely cut them off at least twice. My middle sister? I went three or four years not talking to. Some of my most trusted friends? Also cut them off. Of course I have new friends that I do not at all intend to cut off and that I hope never really go on sour terms that this whole "forgiveness" talk even has to be relevant; but the people who I would probably trust the most to be there for me in the shittiest moments are all people I had negative experiences with and reconnected and grew from that negative experience with.

And so I was sitting here asking myself, what changed?

And my best answer so far? I think its largely because I am not really in survival mode much anymore. I feel secure, safe and confident in myself and in the present that I can honestly look at the past, acknowledge that it happened, acknowledge that time has passed, and that the person - in the present, in the very moment - has done nothing wrong and there is no reason to assume they haven't grown from what I've seen from them thus far.

Even more importantly, my interests and values in life really aren't anything similar to what they used to be. In the past I valued people that reaffirmed and reinforced my means of survival; I valued people that served a more direct and tangible support to me that I could access regularly; I valued having daily conversations over the casual and passive bonding of just quietly paralleling eachothers lives with occasional cross over and engagements. I valued things that kept me moving, progressed and immediately improved my life and kept me from mentally dying and killing myself over the long term idea, peace, enrichment and happiness of my life.

These days, I want to answer some of my questions that I've learned from the MANY relationships I rekindled

"Why do they DESERVE forgiveness?"

They don't. No one 'deserves' forgiveness (other than maybe you deserving forgiveness from yourself), no one is entitled to your forgiveness. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself and the relationship, but really never for another person. Forgiveness is an act of really letting go of the negative past with someone and opening up to new possibilities in the present and future to let growth resume where it was previously stunted.

Forgiveness is on your terms, regardless of if you are the person in the "wrong" or not (which also is hardly a black and white thing)

"Why should I forgive them? What benefit do they have for me?"

Because its nice to move forward, on and watch things grow from dirt, destruction and hell. It's not something that can be done in all burnt bridges (especially if they were burnt for a damn good reason), but it is really nice to clean up the mental space of dirt and dander and just watch beautiful things grow from previously barren places.

Additionally, I think the most important benefit that is the MOST irreplaceable thing forgiveness has given me is the ability to keep people who share a lot of history with me in my life. Time moves forward and as it does, a lot of the experiences shared in the past go from experiences, to memories, to stories and I find there is only so much Telling I can Tell new people who enter my life before I can no longer recreate, explain or share parts of my life (parts that are undeniable aspects of who I am) with them - at least not to the extent of someone who had been there during the time it occured whether that be for better or worse. That insight and that bonding is something that literally only one person can attest to in the way a person you shared history can and by that very nature, being able to keep and have a healthy and positive relationship with someone with that history is such a invaluable treasure that I am so honored to be able to maintain.

And maintenance doesn't have to be talking every day and going out every day, it can be talking once a month, once a year, but just keeping that door open to cross paths even briefly in life. But having that there is like having another person who can keep the past - good and bad - alive and acknowledged so that you don't really have to be the only person holding onto it anymore. I find it beautiful and healing to see the horrors AND joys of my past live in positive ways around me. It's part of why I've been able to let go of a lot of my childhood trauma within my family (save for one person who was of a different "breed" of trauma). My family is all on good terms with me and we've talked about it, we've held space for it, we acknowledge and understand the past and have laid it out. That past lives not only with me, but with them as well, and there isn't so much of a need for me to really feel as though I have to be the only person to attest to how much that past hurt and how bad that time period was.

It's in the world beyond just me. If I die, other people are there to acknowledge the hurt and damage done from that period. I no longer have to be the only person giving those past experience, memories, and stories the honor and respect they need to feel resolved.

I don't really know HOW to close this off, but I just wanted to share some thoughts on the matter I guess since I had them

[fortpeat]

not really a question but something I've had to get off of my chest regarding prapaisky for so long. I've seen people discuss how they felt that sky changed once he and Prapai became official. People mentioning how they missed the Sky that gave Pai a hard time; the sassy, no nonsense sky. And for a while I felt so invalidated because why could they not SEE that all that sass and that standoffish-ness, while definitely a part of Sky's personality, it was mostly a defence mechanism.

Sky was at a point in his recovery (he had had a lot of personal growth PRIOR to prapai's arrival in his life and we should definitely acknowledge that) where he had decided that to protect himself he would not be in a relationship. As much as it pains me, Gun was probably Sky's first love. Having your first love abuse you and your love, especially in the manner that Gun did, it ruins you. You can see how much Sky loves Gun, how soft and loving he is with Gun (that fucking bastard). You don't easily recover from that kind of hurt so Sky chose solitude to protect himself.

And then comes in P'Pai. Prapai is the opposite of Gun in all the ways that matter. Prapai worships Sky. Prapai loves Sky so much...i really could just keep going but in the interest of time I won't. Even with all that love being showered on Sky, you can still see the internal struggle of not being able to accept that love as true and without pain. Ep12 hurt me but it proved to Sky just how unwavering and true Prapai's love is.

After that, we really see sky open up: how cute they are when they are at the garage, asking for cuddles, telling prapai he misses him, telling prapai he wants nothing from him because he just wants prapai (my EMOTIONS)

He becomes soft again, loving, pouty(😭😭). The sass does NOT GO AWAY , IT'S STILL THERE but because it's no longer the defence mechanism it used to be, we don't see it as obviously as we did before. We finally get to see Sky at his happiest and what a sight it is ❤️

P. S.

I could honestly write essays about Sky and Prapai, they are so dear to me.

Im sorry but also not sorry that this is so long. If you happen to read it great but if you don't also great 💀

Bye and thank you for the prapaisky and fortpeat content. Its always nice to know you're not suffering brainrot alone 😭

Hey Nonnie ❤️

First things first you are always welcome to write essays about Prapaisky in my asks I am open to hear all of your thoughts about our precious boys.

Second YASSS I agree with every single thing you have stated here and I myself have preached multiple times that the Cold Mean boy you saw Sky as in the beginning in mainly a defense mechanism it's so clear deep down all the defences Sky is such a softie with a heart of gold. It's shown when he talks to rain outside the University at night and it's shown when Sky asks about Rain's growing feelings towards Payu. And then when it's time for Prapaisky episodes we see those defenses fall slowly fall away in Prapai's presence.

In Prapai's presence Sky felt safe and secure enough to let go of those walls and we truly see Sky as he is. Sky has always been sassy and a little bit meanie but now he's also loving and downright soft and warm and adorable 💕

[holyhomo]

hi holy! i am currently having a viveka brainrot 🙏🏼

may i have silly facts about her 🤔 it would be greatly appreciated as i love NSN 🫶🏼

Happy to hear you love NSN that’s a big compliment!

Viveka facts you say, yeah I got some! Also you are in luck as next chapter focuses on Viveka and Freya!

So she’s legitimately really, really weird. She’s actually obsessed with Freya to the point that she wants their DNA to be stored for future use. And with that I don’t just mean their sixth child, but as in having someone hundreds of thousands of years later use it.

Yes really.

Viveka instilled the concept of ‘quiet rich/stealth wealth’ into her children and hates the fact that other families flaunt their wealth. This is why Gunhildr, Ragna and Ylva and the twins don’t act stereotypical rich and aren’t as spoiled as say Oline and Yulie.

Sure Freya owns luxury items, but that’s mainly because she mentioned once that she always looked in awe at those bags and clothes as a young child. But besides that Viveka, Freya and their kids didn’t grow up wearing popular luxury brands like Gucci, Versace and what else, but custom tailored pieces and high quality brands.

While she isn’t the best father on a emotional level, she sincerely does love all her children. (Because they are her children with Freya. Good thing neither of them have any kids with anyone else)

She was actually pretty hands on earlier in the lives of her kids (even though she wasn’t very good at it). Kinda until *that night*. There is a reason why this stopped, but besides saying that it’s not her fault and that it made her hate her younger sisters guts even more, it’s too much of a spoiler to mention.

She never complained about being on diaper duty while Bridget recovered from birth up until Gunhildr one day pissed on her as she was changing her. She never changed another diaper again, because Gunhildr kept doing it but only when Viveka tried to change her!

She also would frequently return home from overseas work trips with gifts and toys for her wife and kids. Such as a tamagachi for Gunhildr. Gunhildr ended up having it taken from her in elementary school and the thing died. So Viveka got her a new one and had one of the staff members or herself tend to it while Gunhildr was in school.

Still she is distant, demanding, cold, and even called her own children slurs like the R word. Though she has actually become a less bad parent over the years.

She absolutely fucking hates her own parents though. Not that you can really blame her though. Her mother is an alcoholic serial cheater that, as mentioned in story, even tries to get with her grandkids their partners! Her father meanwhile was not only distant but considering Viveka to never be good enough, even though she majorly improved the family business. Viveka’s dad was also physically abusive.

And final one!

Now that Freya is pregnant again, she’s wearing that chastity belt even more than ever before because even being an hour apart is too much for Freya.

Also here’s the pictures of Viveka and Freya that will be used on the wiki (cause I definitely lost my ability to draw…)

[homestuckexamination]

What would you say is the best scene in Homestuck where Rose and Terezi displayed their acuteness respectively?

With Terezi, I feel it has to be pre-game, the lead-up to the Incident. Terezi and Vriska were known to be a ruthless pair in campaigns, which already plants her as a good strategist during their campaigns-Aand once Vriska started going too far, Terezi gave her a grace period hoping she WOULDN'T go further, and the moment she did? She correctly identified Vriska's means of cheating against Doc Scratch, found out a way to contact him against Scratch's own expectations, provided him with the One Piece Of Information to fill the blank spots in his vision, and without lifting a finger, managed to nor only severely harm Vriska, but also destroy an item that had been giving her an unfair edge in obtaining accurate information, and which was a heirloom recovered from Mindfang's Chest. With one singular conversation, Terezi wounded Vriska, both physically and emotionally, probably as HARD as she could possibly had, put a target on her via Scratch, and while opening herself up to retaliation in the process, avenged her friends.

Rose... You could talk about her analysis of her friends- Such as being able to correctly identify that she could not see into John's Dad's room because he'd never been into it, or furthermore, that John's Dad was a totally normal business guy, and that maybe the clown obsession was borne of him trying to connect with John, mistaken by the scrawling on the posters that he'd done subconsciously in his sleep. She just, like, figures All That Out pretty quickly. She also, in Pesterquest, takes ONE glance at Dave and his room and hears him talk about Bro in person One Time, and she's like "Oh my friend is getting abused, I am going to murder this man", where otherwise there's a lot of obliviousness about the parental shittiness going on. And even though she's doing it quite spitefully at one point, Rose is just obstinate to find answers even if she has to tear her entire Land apart- Identifying SBURB's quest as a 'farce' to guide her 'development' and deciding to instead pursue the truth of what the Game really is about and how to save her friends, and effectively finding it before anyone else does, contrasting various sources together to get as full of a picture as she possibly can.

Both Terezi and Rose are forces to be reckoned with that just, power through what's in front of them, understand the situation, and get what they want at the other end. They're clever, got a good grasp of the world around them, and how to fill the gaps in their own knowledge to act accordingly. Their flaw, of course... Being this same obstinacy, often leads to them blinding themselves with confirmation bias. They are blind to themselves, in a way. Rose must know, on some level, that her Mother is trying to do good things for her but that she can't understand her motives because their relationship is deeply strained due to being unable to understand her motives, mainly because of her alcoholism and the secretive nature of Skaianet stuff making her unable to pierce the veil of who she REALLY is. Terezi must know, on some level, that it doesn't make sense for Vriska to be the one behind the events of Murderstuck, but she's SO fucking obsessed with her that she ignores the obvious clues right in front of her face. Which ironically makes them also have some of the 'missing what's in front of their face' moments in the series.

But that's just a flaw they gotta grapple with.

Honorable Mention also goes to Dirk, whose ability to plan ahead and predict what everyone around him is going to do is quite astonishing, but I think my vote still goes to the Seers on account of him being 1) Older, 2) Having Hyper-Advanced Tech at his disposal, and 3) Being already awake on Derse.

[taohs]

I know that I've already said this many times now.. Black Lagoon is definitely one of my favorite series in every way. It is a complex series with well written story, well written characters, memorable music. I'd say there isn't anything a single thing I hate about it at all. I enjoy how it pushes boundaries for people in any ways that is considered good and bad for them.

For the original series, there are twelve volumes but the newest volume comes out in the winter. So that will be thirteen novels soon. I believe that there are two short stories that I know of - those stories have also mainly revolved around the female characters.. Which is no surprise. And the two spinoff series, for Eda and Sawyer (which have a fair share of novels).

Li Xinlin is a Chinese character that gets introduced in the next arc. But she, unlike certain characters, is willing to have help in her situation. Because of how similar her personality is to Rock's, they get along a lot during their time together. So Rock doesn't even become dark in that arc. That is all I'll say about it.

That's why I have mixed feelings about Rock as this character. I respect that he would do anything he is able to when helping people. Because he's trying all the time, saying and doing what he can for people - if they allow him to help. But people like Balalaika or Chang manipulating is causing him to become very similar to them. Even though Revy doesn't admit it.. She does want a normal life, as normal a life for her that she can have. Like you saw yourself. You know nothing about her mother, her father was always so abusive. That abusive situation that you saw, she is only a fourteen year old girl in that moment in time. She dropped out of school at a young age so she is not properly educated. And was in prison for some time before she escape, so she's a convicted felon. The woman has a dark life. So if Rock can't save her now, then I don't who would be able to help her.

But then there's Rock being a hypocrite. I might be able to tolerant small hypocrises.. Okay. That's a lie. I can't tolerant hypocrites. Sometimes I'm one. And I try not to be a hypocrite if I can help it, but I'm not on that level of hypocrisy at all. Rock preaches that he has his morals while also manipulating people to do things that he won't do, and then complain that they are doing those things. There are times when I want to hit Rock over those situations. And I know, I know. He's a fictional character. But still.

Yes! Those are the two main reasons why Roberta's Blood Trail was an ova season. Because of Rei Hiroe not wanting he work being censored, he just never wants his work watered down. Which I am so happy for. And because there wasn't even enough story to make a whole season, like the first two seasons.

The ending for that season was different.

In the ending to the "Roberta's Blood Trail" OVA, there are differences on how Roberta survived the fight. In both versions, she survives, but there are a few differences:

In the manga, she survived without sustaining any major injury.

In the anime, she suffers significant wounds throughout the final battle as she ultimately lost her left arm, right leg, two fingers, her right eye and she was also confined to a wheelchair, but this seems to be temporary when she recovered as she is seen rising from the chair at the end of the OVA.

Who knows if you'll feel differently when you do end up reading the manga, when you read the manga.

I'm trying to think of.. something...

I forget.

That's why fans were hoping a new season was now on the way. Because of the promotional video I sent you. But nothing else was ever mentioned after that though, so who knows will might happen now.

Another thought that came to mind. Personally, I'm not a fan of live action adaptions to from anime and manga series. Because those adaptions never live up to my expectations at all. That's just my opinion. But is it weird that I kinda wanna make a post of the celebrities I imagine as the Black Lagoon cast, like my fancast, if the series was ever a live adaption. Not that anyone I would pick for these characters would ever be used, but just based on my opinion.

And yes. For the person who mentioned it, I know people can read manga online. That is where I have usually read my manga if I'm not able to buy manga in that moment. The site I used was removed so I'm needing to search for a new site to read manga now.

- 💋

yes! black lagoon definitely pushes boundaries for people and i can see that it may not be for everyone. but i personally enjoyed it a lot and i love how much work was put into creating the female cast (balalaika easily made it into one of my favorite characters). honestly i haven't watch a series with good female characters that i haven't fallen in love with. i've also started reading the manga and binged up to roberta's arc (not yet to when she started fighting). i like how faithful the anime adapation was for the most part. i'm very excited to reach the arcs that the anime hasn't gotten up to yet and meet the new characters!

i agree that rock is probably the best and only person that might be able to pull revy out of her dark life. she went through so much as a child and her mindset is that only violence and murder will allow her to survive in her messed up world. i really would like to see her live a more peaceful life. it's really up to how rock develops as a character though, which will be interesting to see. i can't tell if revy will be willing to watch him fall to the dark side though, or if she will actually carry out her threat to kill him before that happens. their relationship is so complicated

personally i'm okay with live action adaptations! it's not something that i Absolutely Need, usually i don't care too much for them unless it's a series that i'm really into, but i do enjoy seeing how they bring these characters to life. i would love to see a live action black lagoon cast though, especially with how diverse it is!! (also seeing those female characters in real life will be heaven for me). do you already have people in mind for a fancast?

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey folks,

I need your help and good ideas.

We have this idiom "You always meet twice in life" (it is meant in a positive, not in a threatening way) and this is... engraved a little too deep in me. Way too deep. I always expect to meet people from my past. They are mostly former friends or adults (I mean, who were adults when I was a child). Teachers or doctors. I always had some kind of hopes that one of them, that was just a slightly bit nice to me would save me from my abusive home. So I... exaggerated the relationship they had to me in my mind. If someone was nice and maybe friendly smalltalking, for me this was a big thing that still makes me think of it. 9 years ago a teacher asked me out of the blue if everything was fine at home. You think I've recovered from that yet? Absolutely not!

I still regularly think about all the people who have been slightly nice of me. And I still think about them.... saving me? In a way. I mean, I am fine, I moved out but still, I dream of them becoming some kind of role model for me. Helping me grow as an adult. Listening, supporting, giving me the kind of advice on issues, that normally a parent would do. But mainly, being proud of me.

Whenever I leave the house I expect to meet one of them. I expect them to meet me and be disappointed in me. Or worse, wanting to talk to me. I avoided whole cities when I knew a former friend lives there. I still only leave the house if absolutely necessary, even when I lived hundred of miles away. Distance doesn't matter. They could be on vacation, right? (I once met a classmate while we both where on vacation far from home so...).

I am afraid they might ask me, what I am doing with my life etc. and the honest answer would be, nothing that an adult in this capitalistic world would be proud of. And I didn't fix my mental health so everyone who knows about that and probably wished me the best will be disappointed that I didn't fix it yet.

I don't want to disappoint people, I don't want them to think bad of me. Or, that someone who liked me will change their mind. When I was younger I avoided finding friends because in my mind it was inevitable that I would disappoint them and they would start to hate me at some point. I gave up on that but I am still very careful around friends and people who like me so that this doesn't happen.

Now I am planning on moving back, close to my hometown. Where all people from my past live. Help! I am already panicking when I think about buying groceries.

Of course I am also hoping to meet them and impress them, making them consider adopting me ahem, but be honest, I would just stutter and run away.

Housing situation is a horror, I can't be too picky, and yesterday I viewed an potential appartment which was right on the other side of the street from my old school. Straight the other side. So, it is not necessarily an hypothetical problem. I might move somewhere where I will run into people from my past.

What can I do? I have no idea.

Ah and I am not that long out of school so, I would be hurt if they wouldn't remember me.

Hi anon,

It's understandable to not want to disappoint people, but people's disappointment isn't always warranted or helpful. You heal at your own pace. If someone were disappointed in you that you haven't "fixed" your mental health, it's their problem that they don't understand how mental health works. There is no rush in healing. You take all the time you need.

I'd like to rip from this: It’s impossible to be liked or loved by everybody. No matter how popular you are, there will always be someone who doesn’t like you. Even if you could get everybody to like or love you, you would never know if they liked you enough, or if they still liked you. Different people have different tastes. Some people might like (for example) your new hairstyle; other people might hate it. Therefore, no matter what you do, some people will admire you, and some people won’t.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, you're more than welcome to do so.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[realtasuantrai]

i'm gonna be real with y'all. i've been sitting here slowly getting my ability to think back and i want to say what happened, finally.

trigger warning for assault and abuse.

i currently (not for much longer thank god) live in an abusive household. i am sitting here, minding my own business when my abuser starts in on me over a mess i cleaned in eleven minutes.

he assaulted me with the vacuum cleaner- more specifically the hose part. it was running, and he put the hose up to my face. specifically, the right side of my chin and held it there.

i told him i didn't deserve to be assaulted with the vacuum.

he told me that he didn't deserve to be assaulted with a pig.

he exaggerated how bad it was, like it was going to somehow fall over and crush him when it was literally mainly bags from the stores i went to. and wasn't piled up like how he said.

i told him i didn't do that shit to him, he shouldn't do it to me.

"i don't choke the life out of you, but you deserve it" is what i got back in return.

when i was trying to explain i got assaulted with the hose of a vacuum cleaner, i stuttered trying to get it out because my brain was shutting down at that point to protect me. he mocked me, making noises and saying "that's what a pig sounds like".

i cried. but not because of what he said.

it was because he assaulted me. that's the only reason i cried. because i didn't do a damn thing but defend myself against him and got assaulted with a vacuum cleaner because of it.

i'm still recovering from my second blood transfusion in a month. from being near death twice within the span of a month. i am very low energy right now and so i let my area go. it took me all of eleven minutes, while taking my time, to clean it up because it wasn't as bad as it was being made out to be.

i never did anything to deserve how i get treated, but he's hated me since i was a minor.

i'm just glad i'm going to be getting out soon. i won't have to deal with a manchild toddler soon.

[dancergurl3000]

I don’t think I’ve ever really told my own story on this blog before but since I’m a writer I’ll start by just saying that you do not ultimately get to choose what kind of family you are born into. I am an adult child of alcoholic parents. My parents are both alcoholics. One is sober, the other is not. My entire life has been about taking care of other people. My entire life has been a total and complete struggle to maintain friendships, relationships, and jobs. I’ve been in therapy since I was 10. I am a survivor of child abuse and sexual assault. And I do not think I have ever been told the following by anyone: 1. That I am loved, 2. That I can be anything that I want to be when I grow up, and 3. That I was safe to tell my own story. I never learned how to trust people at a young age. I have a college degree, so I am educated, but I basically put myself through college. And my father worked throughout my childhood and was just very angry at his kids when he came home. My brother and I were forced to go to a high school we did not want to go to, the high school where he taught at. No one even learned my name when I was a teenager. I was just Mr Dunne’s daughter. And I was bullied, picked on, teased, beaten up, relentlessly in school. Mainly I think it was mostly because I was mostly good at school. I graduated high school in the top 30 percent of my grade. I graduated with high honors. Guess I thought that if I graduated like that, my mom would quit drinking. By that time, my dad was physically shutting me up in psych wards about my mother’s alcoholism. And he kept doing it. Until summer 2012 when she finally admitted that she had a drinking problem. I spent my 21rst birthday at the rehab facility that she was staying at, telling her at a family counseling session: “mom I can’t have a relationship with you if you’re drinking.” I never understood why I had the family I had. Other families where I grew up had different dynamics. Mine was: my parents worked two or three jobs and drank on the weekends and virtually every holiday and my brother and I were miserable. That’s just the way it was. I escaped through watching Television, my favorite TV show depicting women in heroic positions like “Buffy the vampire slayer.” I escaped with music. I loved listening to Vanessa Carlton on my Walkman before high school classes began at 7:26 in the morning. Her 2007 album “Heroes and Thieves” was on repeat and it’s on my top ten favorites of all time. I write this blog not to garner sympathy but understand that a child has no power over someone else’s drinking. I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD by three different psychotherapists in the capitol region, and my father still doesn’t believe them. Or me. I have explained how I have panic attacks if I’m alone in public downtown. He doesn’t think that happens, or that I am “faking.” My hope is that my writing one day can bring people hope that you are not alone. I know how it feels specifically to be brandished as just a liar, a piece of shit, nothing more as my dad always says. I hope someday there is a community of people who can find solace and comfort in knowing that you’re not crazy, the people in your life just don’t want to see the truth in any situation. I’ll always pray for my dad. And I pray that there is hope for children who just want to be heard and that their pain is totally and completely valid. I never wanted to write my own story. I just know what alcohol and drugs do to a family. It destroys a family from the inside out. Because if you can’t see that alcohol is destructive, then I guess nothing matters in the end. Please be patient with us kids. We are trying. We are trying to heal and recover from an insidious disease. From a disease that no one really wants to deal with. Maybe one day my dad can tell me how he’s sorry. Maybe one day I hope to be able to forgive him. Because it wasn’t my fault. I hope someday he sees more than he originally did.

[alexwatchesshows]

Grace & Frankie non-spoiler wrap-up

Plot: Grace and Frankie, two women in their seventies, are horrified to learn that their husbands have been having a twenty-year long affair with each other and now want to get married. They're even more horrified by the fact that this pushes the two of them together as-- despite being complete opposites-- they're the only ones able to understand each other's situation. Their lives have not been ended by this news, however, and this show shows them and their families as they find new ways to live their lives.

Genre: comedy

Themes: nontraditional relationships, aging, gender/women

Content warnings (note: this is not all the content warnings, just the ones that are present for all/a lot of the show): infidelity, talk of death, chronic/potentially terminal illness, addiction & drug abuse (primarily alcohol & painkillers)

Representation: This show centres the lives and experiences of older women, something I see very rarely. There are very few characters of colour-- only two recurring black characters, one who is part of the main cast, and another who is a key character for a few earlier seasons. There are a lot of queer characters, but they are almost all cis white gay men, with the exception of two lesbian characters who are relatively important in a season 6 plotline. One of the main two families are jewish. Disability is discussed quite a lot, mainly from the perspective of older characters who are becoming disabled only at this point in their lives (and this is almost entirely physical disability). There is one younger disabled character (introduced a few seasons in) who has a number of disabilities, most notably a lot of food allergies. These are mostly mocked and make her the butt of jokes. This gets better as the show goes on but it is a lot in the earlier seasons. One of the younger characters is a recovering addict. It's also heavily implied that Grace is an addict, but this is never fully addressed/taken seriously.

Final thoughts/would I recommend this show?: I have a lot of mixed feelings about this show. It (for reasons I can't figure out) is one of my comfort shows, and I really enjoy watching it, but it's not necessarily an all-round brilliant show that I'd recommend to anyone and everyone-- most notably because of its lack of diversity (discussed above) in portraying almost entirely white, upper middle-class lives and experiences. Still, it's good for a laugh and is pretty rewatchable, as well as having some big names in the main cast (e.g. Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda).

What next for this account? The poll has closed, and I am officially reviewing Black Sails as my next show!

[dissociacrip]

i have an undiagnosed CTD and i feel u big time RE visible signs of aging and not having the opportunity to experience youth etc. and seeing posts dismissive of people using anti aging stuff. idk this ask is dumb but you’re like the only other person w a CTD who’s talked about signs of aging. other folks in the EDS community talk about ‘looking younger than their age’ bc of their smooth baby skin and it’s like lol can’t relate cuz i have visible smile lines, prematurely sagging skin and crows feet already. just makes me feel like utter shit. yknow.

i mean full transparency i am someone who gets told i look younger than i actually am (which probably contributes to the neuroses i have around aging because it's like "okay i'm still young i can still experience what i should have" lmao) and upon some slight research most of what i'm freaking out about might just be normal signs of aging that i'm having neuroses over because i have neuroses about aging in general. but also that slight research tells me the super prominent lines in my neck i've had since early high school aren't a part of normal aging (they're associated with posture and it's another thing that is associated w/ ~looking down at devices~ like reduced cervical lordosis is...but reduced cervical lordosis due to shit posture is something associated w/ hypotonia and my posture has, well, been irreparably shit since always), my face does seem like it sags ever so slightly but not to any major degree, i'm starting to get wrinkles between my brows, and idk how "normal" my hands look for my age (or in general) because i don't have a frame of reference:

like, i think i am mainly just being neurotic and i don't wanna pretend i'm at the same level as other people i've seen w/ more significant appearance changes due to disability because that feels dishonest. this probably looks pretty benign lol.

but as for why no one talks about this in the EDS community/EDS spaces on social media:

1. hEDS most common subtype, so

2. mainly dominated by people with hEDS, which

3. is a subtype that is typically associated with a non-significant degree of skin involvement; skin manifestations in hEDS tend to be mild vs. other subtypes (such as vEDS, where skin fragility is the most extreme), and

3. these people tend to center their own experiences with the hypermobile subtype of EDS and usually do not boost the voices or experiences of those w/ less common subtypes that are associated with more severe skin manifestations, which

4. is fucking annoying when it comes to things that blatantly disregard the fact that hEDS is not the only form of EDS and reducing EDS to joint problems which is a major facet of most forms of EDS and can be severely disabling, as well as progressive, but EDS is a complex condition because it affects much more than the joints (and some forms are associated w/ much less joint involvement, while others are associated with some joints being contractured rather than hypermobile!)

but like. looseness of the skin/face is collagen related. it's ligaments. my ligaments are already loose and my collagen doesn't (seemingly) work. on top of me having muscles that are also overly loose. i'm pulled down my gravity too much as it is. i hate that i lost so much time to my abusers. i want to be 20 or 21 again so that i'm around the same age as most of the friends i've made here instead of feeling like a weird outlier. it sucks. everything sucks.

this isn't a dumb ask at all but this response might be pretty dumb because it's mostly me being neurotic and still recovering from a mental episode and feeling guilty because it feels like i've been misleading while not meaning to. sorry. the dominance of people with hEDS in EDS circles is annoying as hell and alienating to a lot of people both within and without it and that's a big reason why i don't interact much with it anymore.

[wouldntyou-liketoknow]

Characters and Headcanons and References, Oh My!

Lately I’ve been toying with the idea of Mark and Matt portraying similar characters (technically, Matt started it with WarfPat and DarkPat, lol). There’s Engineer!Mark and Mack, obviously, but then there’s HeeHoo and The Hermit, Wilford and MadPat, Darkiplier and AntiMatter (in my opinion, at least).

I really want to get back to writing soon, but I’m still having trouble with my motivation. I still don’t want my creative energy to go to waste, so I’ve thought up a few MatPat-inspired characters to act as alternatives for some of Mark’s characters. I hope you enjoy!

(Update: one awesome @insane4fandoms has taken the time to draw each of these guys! The drawings question will be linked by their names. Please go show the artist some love!!!)

Caliban (Art Page)

The alternative to Murdock/Murderplier

He’s a cannibal, as well as one of Murdock’s many body-disposal resources.

I think it’d be cool for the two of them to work for some kind of mafia that specializes in assassinations. (Psst! I’ve decided to actually try this idea on for size, and, of course, Caliban is very much involved! You can find all this information about him here. To learn more about the developing mob he and Murdock work for, go here. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy what I’m working towards!)

He’s involved in some areas of Black Market. He sells the bones and blood of his meals, as well as organs that aren’t fit for consumption (eyeballs and intestines, for example. Way too many acidic chemicals and bacteria to deal with).

Cannibal puns 24/7. He’s more subtle about it than The Hermit, but still. (“I’ve been told I have great taste in people. . .” “If anyone’s a humanitarian, it’s me!” “I am what I eat, after all.” “I’d love to have you for dinner~” etc.)

He has an ENORMOUS collection of butcher knives and medical blades. His favorite of them all is a damascus steel cleaver.

There’s a silver tooth cap in the place of his left upper canine. He lost said canine when one of his victims surprised him by grabbing his tenderizing hammer and hitting him in the mouth with it as they tried to escape. (This also left a small scar on his upper lip.) He recovered, but let’s just say he made that victim’s death extra painful. . .

He has a pet hare named Snare (reference to Matt’s childhood bunny, Sunny). Since hares are more intelligent than you’d think, Snare has been taught several tricks; mainly, how to follow certain targets, bite them, and then let Caliban swab his little teeth for blood in order to track said targets via DNA database. Don’t ask. . .

Caliban spoils Snare by feeding him the fingers of his victims as treats (reference to Monty Python’s Killer Rabbit).

He’s adjusted to having Murdock as a meal ticket, but he still has plenty of experience killing on his own.

Sometimes he’ll join in on the sadistic games Murdock likes to play with his victims. Murdock usually isn’t too thrilled with having to share the spotlight, but he also can’t deny how Caliban makes the taunting and threatening even more fun. 

Their relationship is both casual and professional. Some sarcastic jabs here, an exchange of morbid jokes there. But make no mistake, when Murdock and Caliban are working together, they are a terrifying force to be reckoned with.

Ozzie (Art Page)

The alternative to Yancy

He’s been convicted of tax evasion as well as several instances of kidnapping game developers and holding them for ransom. (His reasons for doing so? No one is quite sure. He gives a different explanation every time someone asks him. He swears these explanations are all connected, but that’s up for debate.)

Unlike Yancy’s case, Ozzie’s parents were abusive towards him, but he didn’t kill them. Instead, he ran away from home at an early age; sooner or later, he started engaging in theft in order to survive.

He was sent to Happy Trails Penitentiary because he managed to escape literally every other prison the authorities tried to keep him at.

He definitely has a plan to escape Happy Trails at some point in time, but it’s somewhat nicer than other prisons. Plus he’s met some interesting people there, so he’ll stick around for a little while.

He speaks with some kind of New Yorker accent. It’s just as over-exaggerated as Yancy’s Jersey accent, if not more so.

Sometimes Yancy will ask Ozzie for help with his musical projects. Whether Yancy is stumped on rhyme-schemes, indecisive about which lyrics to use, or just wants feedback on a new song, Ozzie is always happy to give advice. He loves theater.

Patty/DancePat (Art Page)

The alternative to Porniplier

His stage name is Pat A. Cake. He’s gotten used to being called “Patty” for short (I like to think Porniplier’s pseudonym is Delux, due to all the costumes he uses).

He works at the same club as Delux. I’m going to call this club Areola 51 because I can.

He supports himself through exotic dance. He mainly does pole dancing (ahem), but he’s no stranger to cage dancing or chair dancing.

He also does some stripping since it pays so well, but that’s his limit. He genuinely enjoys dancing, but he’s a bit shyer about the more sexual stuff.

He’s almost always wearing heels, and he takes great pride in being able to perform in them (whereas Delux can barely even walk with heels on).

His go-to outfit for performing is a white corset with black lace-up leggings, a purple velvet choker, and a pair of wedge-heeled boots. (Yes, this is based off of that cutout image Matt uses in his videos, and no, you can’t do anything about it.)

He and Delux definitely have a rivalry, but it’s a friendly one.

They tease one another pretty often, but they’ve both been there for each other in more serious times. For instance, when Delux’s latest client was less than polite, or when Patty’s audience was too handsy for his liking.

Penn (Art Page)

The alternative to Illinois

His full name is, you guessed it, Pennsylvania James (I like to think that Illinois’ surname is Jenkins). He finds that his nickname is much easier to go by. (And, quite frankly, he’s gotten sick of people asking if he has a sibling named Transylvania. Illinois was one of those people.)

Where Illinois is a treasure-hunter, Penn is more of a paleontologist.

He’s helped to discover at least three new species of dinosaur.  

Illinois spent his first few archaeological digs working with Penn. Illinois may love exploring ancient temples and the like, but that’s only for the fun of it. He believes that cultural artifacts should just be discovered and then left alone. He and Penn agree that collecting fossils for museums is much less immoral.

He has definitely yanked Illinois out of a boulder’s path once or twice.

He doesn’t understand why Illinois insists on carrying a whip with him.

He’s a bit more subtle in his flirting than Illinois is. But only a bit.

LeviathanPat (Art Page)

The alternative to EldritchPlier

Just like his counterpart, he’s a cosmic horror. He feeds off of human souls, but human thoughts and extreme human emotions can also satisfy him for a time.

He’s bound by the same supernatural rules as EldritchPlier–the primary one being that he can’t enter a place without explicitly being welcomed in.

Where EldritchPlier typically goes for doors, LeviathanPat will lurk outside of windows. He does this because it gives him an opportunity to watch his victims. That way, he can more easily gauge their reactions and plan his next move more carefully.

When he talks to his targets, he’ll try to make them sympathize with him rather than just flat-out bribe them. He’ll usually try his luck when the weather is bad in order to sell the act. (“þlêå§ê lê† mê ¢ðmê ïñ§ïÐê! ̆’§ §ð ¢-¢ðlР𵆠hêrê; Ì ¢åñ’† £êêl m¥ håñЧ åñ¥mðrê!”)

That being said, if his target shows hesitation or gets onto him quickly, he’ll definitely lose patience and go on the defensive. He’ll try to make them feel guilty for refusing to help someone who’s supposedly sick and/or injured.

He chooses his targets in advance, then waits for an opportunity to get them alone near the window. Then he’ll tap on the glass to get their attention. He typically only hunts at night, since darkness makes humans more susceptible to fear/paranoia/disturbance.  

He’s able to shapeshift, but he doesn’t like looking completely human. When talking to his targets, he’ll appear as a vague, semi-fluid silhouette with only his glowing eyes truly visible.

If his target gets on his nerves, his shape will begin changing more sporadically as he grows more and more frustrated. His eyes will also shift in the way of turning bloodshot, changing colors, maybe even bulging or melting in their sockets.

Since it’s kind of impossible for a room to be built without a door and at least one window, EldritchPlier and LeviathanPat often end up going for the same target. When that happens, they’ll argue over said target for an ungodly amount of time.

Anyone else have ideas for more characters like this? I’d love to brainstorm!

[akindplace]

I am going to stay lowkey just posting for a while now, mostly on queue. I have decided to focus mostly on recovering my physical health which has taken a turn for the worse since December and the pain from the EDS related issues has been causing my mental health to suffer a lot.

Some personal things happened when people from my past who caused me a lot of abuse and trauma reached out to me and that also didn't help with anything.

I have been trying to multitask things I already do with things I want to do with my treatment for my illnesses and that only lead me to feel burned out. I am going to be mainly focusing on one thing only and... it is myself and my health.

It's still February and there is a whole year ahead of me to do more things, but I won't be able to do anything if I am struggling so hard with both my physical and mental health. I have some soul searching to do, in regards of personal growth, coping with toxic situations, and of course, my own treatments.

I will still be posting consistently here, so don't worry. But I will be only posting for a while (both my writing and media content).

I will keep you updated.

I am trying to not be afraid of a relapse, of my abusers, of my future, of the pandemic and trying to hold on to my loved ones and to myself at the same time. It's exhausting. I know you understand, because so many people on the world are going through some of those fears right now and have those same needs.

I am very reluctant to post this and it makes me sad that things came to a concerning point. I haven't communicated this to anyone else in my life, I am coming here first to tell you.

I love you all so much.

Please stay strong, I hope you remember to keep managing, keep fighting and that if this inspires you to take better care of yourself, do so.

Lots and lots of love,

Liv

[angria]

About this Blog

***Do not reblog personal posts tagged #angriadm*** I cannot mass edit the reblog option retroactively, so please do not reblog older posts

Hi all, I’m Angria, not my real name (it comes from my love of the Brontë's…it’s the name of their childhood paracosm).  I live on the east coast of the US, both my home-state and the city in which I currently live.  I’m 33 and a gay/queer, cis-woman with she/her pronouns. Was a teacher, now a social work grad student.  I’ve been on here for over 10 years.  This is my outlet and safe space to express things I cannot talk about outside of therapy.  I post what I like or things that resonate with me. I'm weird and pay attention to how my tumblr looks (like how the colors, quotes, pics go together), so I usually blast 20+ posts in a row and then silence...that probably will annoy some people. Also...I curse. A lot (probably too much, but eh). And I do not tag it, so no TWs with regard to swearing.

Speaking of, I have a very specific tag system that serves me and not necessarily others in the sense of trigger warnings.  Just be aware of that and if you do need to unfollow me, I fully understand.

1) I mainly struggle with CPTSD, BPD, and severe depression from childhood abuse and neglect.  I also struggle with self harm and will mention it, usually as SH (no graphic details).  I am still in contact with my parents, for financial/practical reasons amongst others.  So please do not recommend I go no-contact.  It is a very complex situation and I actively discuss it with T.

2) I am very private when it comes to locations and people, mainly because I’m afraid of people I know finding my tumblr.  So my privacy settings are very strict and I do not allow anons.  I’ve never had a good experience during the two times I allowed it years ago.  This is my personal, private safe space and I do not need some random person’s cowardice and ignorant judgments invading it.

3) As a heads up, I do talk about religion and my faith, specifically Christianity.  I’m Episcopalian, was Atheist for a time, and recovering from my religious trauma inflicted by the Catholic Church (born and raised in a dogmatic household and school). I am a firm supporter of inclusive, affirming, and accepting theology. Religion should never be weaponized to control and manipulate others with threatening, bigoted, hate-filled doctrine or beliefs.  If it makes you feel shame, fear, or worthlessness, it does not come from God.  It comes from twisted and false human ideology cowardly hiding behind the guise of “religion.”

I did study and teach Theology for many years; however, no, I do not wish to argue or debate theological or religious discourse.  That is not the point of my blog.  It’s completely fine if you disagree with me or have different beliefs/faiths. But, I am not inviting people to challenge me purely because I have a faith.  I respect other’s faith or non-belief (as long as it doesn’t harm others), so please respect mine.  I am open to genuine questions that you may have; however, I am by no means an authority nor consider myself an expert.  I may know more than the average person, but I will always be in a state of learning.

I do write about things regarding religion that may trigger people, so please take care of yourself and unfollow, if need be. I try my best to notify people with TW/CWs and Read More’s.

Some main people/things I mention…

T is my therapist of 11 years.  He is an incredible person who has supported me and helped me throughout our time together, never giving up on me .  I probably would not be here if it wasn’t for our work.  I vent about him occasionally if I’m upset with him (which we do talk about eventually).  This is not an invitation to judge him or my therapy. My blog is only a snapshot of our years together.  You do not know him, his experience and professionalism, our boundaries, nor fully understand the context of what we discuss and process.  I rarely talk about her, but L was my previous therapist who terminated with me before I moved to the city, which still affects me.

Dr W is my psychiatrist of 10 years.  She also is a huge advocate and actually listens to me when it comes to my symptoms, medication, and their side-effects, which is a rarity when it comes to psychs.   

Her is a child-part, for lack of better term.  The Voice is a fight(?) part.  I do not have DID, but I have been told I fit criteria of OSDD.  While I agree, I am still hesitant to say I have it.  I just know Her and The Voice are more fragmented/dissociated than how “parts” are described in IFS (Internal Family Systems).

Smshellhole was the Catholic school I attended for 11 years, from preschool to 8th grade (I always call it hellhole; the school's name is a trigger).  I was severely bullied and abused throughout that time, both from kids and teachers.  As well as the priest who worked there.  The time between 3rd and 7th grade were the worst years when I was so dissociated I can’t remember much…just small pieces. On top of the abuse and neglect at home. Main abuser is a person from hellhole during the worst years.

E and J are the priests at my Episcopal church and have been life-changing for me and immense supporters as I untangle and process my religious trauma (a couple years ago, J left to assume a different role in a diocese that is in another state. Which completely devastated me).

And if you are feeling up to it, check out my positivity/recovery blog spegaudentes (Latin for rejoicing in hope). Mostly stuff that makes me happy with a smattering of coping skills and memes.

[cassafra5]

Where Have I Been?

Hey everyone,

It’s been a long while since I’ve made an address about what’s been going on with me and why I’ve had difficulty posting. It’s felt weird being on this site with the large elephant in the room being “what happened to you?” After having made addresses previously explaining a couple of rough experiences, I felt too ashamed to mention something even worse. It felt awful to post something after more than a year of nearly no activity, but I feel like it’s been severe enough to warrant this. I had also been requested not to speak originally because certain parties were worried about becoming “pariahs” on here, but I am writing this post to clear the air and to explain what has happened by my own account.

It’s been more than a year since I escaped an incredibly abusive relationship and left New York. After having lived there for three years, it has taken me quite a while to begin recovering from everything that has happened since 2016 until recent. During this time, my spouse and I were used by his family as caretakers for his grandmother, and we were also threatened with homelessness as his family considered taking the condo we lived in. The mounting stress caused him to start lashing out and to begin drinking, and his behavior grew increasingly erratic. For more than 3 years, I lived in a home where every door was broken to get to me when I tried to get away, and every wall in the house was left with a hole or a dent. I was forced to live under horrible conditions, but when I reached out for help about the abuse, multiple people antagonized me, shunned me, and waved away my concerns because “it’s not like he hits you every day.” My mental and physical health suffered greatly, and I still have lapses in my memory from that time because of just how dire my circumstances became.

Inevitably, I had to leave and was “helped” by some coworkers who, unfortunately, took my situation as a means of having a personal crusade, and thus exacerbated the situation further. Police were involved and I had to endure literally running away with what I could carry. Our divorce only just finalized. A majority of my belongings are still in New York, as I only carried back what I could scramble together while I had the police with me, as well as what was sent to me to try to convince me to come back. At this point, I don’t expect to get my remaining belongings back.

My ex is very unhinged and not well. It is harmful and counterproductive for me to be in contact with him or to involve myself any further with him. That being said, I would appreciate that anyone reading this not reach out to him, if you know who he is, as it may cause further incidents that I do not want. This address is mainly for my own recovery to help me move on with my life, and to explain why I’ve been so inactive. Despite it all, I want him to grow as a person and move on with his life as well.

During our separation, my ex involved a Tumblr user that has commissioned me multiple times. He effectively used this person as a means of getting information about me and to put me in a hostage situation – stating multiple times that if I didn’t speak to him, he would go through this person. I fought with my ex multiple times to try and get this person removed from our personal issues, but repeated attempts to warn this individual did not work. I excused this user’s behavior multiple times because they are very young and naïve, and for a while I assumed they just didn’t understand the situation enough to see how much they were hurting me and furthering the abuse. However, I was then made aware that this person was taking commissions from my ex and making decent money off of him. Even more egregious, they were also giving my ex information about me on who I was hanging out with, what I was currently doing, my day to day schedule, etc. I actually had to argue with this person over my safety and privacy, only to get “but I’m making money” as an excuse for them to continue selling my information. To say this was a breach of my confidence and trust is an understatement, and I cannot explain how violated and outraged I felt when I found out that a follower I was trying to protect had blatantly chosen to stay in the middle of my messy divorce and profit off of my mentally-ill ex while spying on me.

In LA I had a rough time adjusting. I did not have a support system to come back to and unfortunately I realized just how quick some people are to take advantage of someone in my situation. I have ultimately learned that I can’t try to understand people like that nor give them the benefit of the doubt. Throughout my time here on Tumblr, I have met some wonderful people such as @kirain who I’ve become best friends with, and who actively helped me escape the situation I had been in. But I’ve also discovered that some people don’t see me as a person worth basic common decency and respect. I’ve literally had users reach out to me just to get the details and gossip for their own amusement, or to either one-up me or stroke their egos over their own successful relationships, which has hurt me immensely. I even had a nightmare where my ex found me and chased me down, and when I reached out to the person he’d turned against me, the only response I got was, “Well, technically I just commission you, so I’m more of a client than a friend, so you shouldn’t be angry.” This person continued to take my ex’s money and profit off of everything that happened after I cut contact, and I don’t have the words to explain how absolutely nonsensical this entire situation seems to me.

I have cut off both individuals from my life and, while I don’t want to jinx it, I am doing much better. It’s been very difficult, but I’ve been recovering and have made great strides. I’m fixing up my house and making it my own after years of feeling like I couldn’t unless my ex allowed me to. I am working and learning in a new profession and I’m finding people who I can really feel are friends, and even more so. It’s been very night and day to be around people who respect and care about my wants and needs, and to have my autonomy back. I no longer have that feeling of being dipped in acid, which is exactly how I felt in New York.

Getting back into drawing and expressing myself is a challenge and something I’m slowly trying to revive. I do really appreciate all of your patience and kindness. Some things I used to draw are a bit difficult but I am slowly getting better.

To my ex and to the follower mentioned, I would ask that you refrain from contacting me or retaliating. I do still have videos, screenshots and other things that I have kept. If I am attacked for making this post, I can and will release them to corroborate my story. All I want is to be left alone, and I should not be silenced and muted because of you fearing repercussions for your actions.

[pompompurin1028]

Why I think Dazai will Live

Warnings: Mentions of suicide and manga spoilers

Summary: Why Dazai will live in relation to the theme of the anime

Because after the latest episode of Bungou stray dogs Wan! I’ve seen people talking about how Dazai is going to die. So today I am going to be examining the themes of the anime in connection to why I believe hope Dazai is going to live. I’m going to mainly discuss the anime because I hadn’t really read the manga yet but I will touch on Chapter 87.

I will be talking about 2 of the main themes of Existentialism; finding a reason to live, Recovery 

Existentialism and Recovery

Before we begin talking about Dazai, let���s first examine these two themes. Throughout the whole anime, through examining the background of the characters. We slowly learn about the dark pasts that most characters have experienced in their lives. Most of them have been through so much trauma and some even having suffered from abuse to be able to become who they are today. I mean that’s why we always say that all the Bungou Stray Dogs characters need therapy after all.

Yet despite all that they’ve been through, despite being invalidated, emotionally hurt and seeing the horrifying things life can throw at them. All of them are still trying to find a reason for them to live in this world, a reason for why they should be able to continue to live. In spite of what others have told them, in spite of the things they have done, in spite of how utterly agonizing life could be at times. But to do so, I have this belief that they first have to recover from their pasts, face their shadows and their darkest fears to do so.

So where can we see these themes? One of the most straight-forward evidence to this is the Season 2 op Reason Living:

Why can’t I find the shining light?

The reason for me to live my life

With my tainted hands

Desire ignites the will to fight

And find the reason that I’m alive

It cannot be found within the past

I’ll write today, a brand new page

I don’t think I have to explain where existentialism can be seen in the lyrics. But recovery can also be seen here as well, the “tainted hands” in the lyrics here represents their dark pasts and their pain, as it can not only be interpreted as the fact that they have done morally questionable actions, which tainted and corrupted them; we can also see it tainted because of the wounds they have endured and received in the past. This together with the fact that it says, it “cannot be found within the past”, and the need for “a brand new page” clearly showcases that they can’t keep looking at their past, and they have to look forward to find a reason to live. Therefore from this we can see, the theme of recovery and existentialism cannot be separated in this anime. 

I mean even Dazai once said:

"But your anguish isn't yours alone. What should we do when what they want to be isn't what they're best at? Everyone fights, searching for the correct way to live their lives. What do they seek by fighting? How ought they live? No one can say. All we have is the right to waver. Like Stray Dogs that have hit rock bottom.”

I feel like what he is trying to say here, is that we have to fight our anguish, the anguish that stems from the hurt you’ve received in the past. You have to find a way to defeat it, even if it means to battle yourself. And through fighting it, and defeating it, perhaps you can find your own reason to live. Once again showcasing the connection between recovery and existentialism.

So as we can see, the characters in the anime are just trying to find their own way, their own reason to continue to exist in this world. But to do so, they first have to battle their inner darkness, their shadow. And Dazai is of course no exception to this.

Although Dazai often talks about suicide and his desire for death. I believe it all stems from his question “do you see any value in the act of living?”. After analyzing Dazai’s character for the fic which I wrote yesterday, I believe that the reason why he think that is because of suffering and pain. The reason why he likes suicide is because he wants to escape these things that he believes is the essence of life. I mean during the dark era he said  "There's nothing in life worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.” I mean if you were to see life only as a endless cycle of suffering and pain, wouldn’t you like to escape reality and this thing we call life as well?

But despite this, I feel like all he wants to know is that there is something beyond this in life, something more than suffering. Perhaps something beautiful in this violent current of life, something that could make all of that worth it. Maybe that is why Odasaku’s words are so impactful to him, because perhaps being on the good side could be a bit more beautiful, and perhaps that’s why even the words to us at face value seem bleak, seem to gives Dazai a bit of hope. 

As we can see clearly, there is just this certain emptiness Dazai feels, there is just this hole that Dazai could never seem to fill, which manifests into his depression and suicidal attempts, but also is the root of his existentialism, which is heavily ingrained in his character. And remember what I mentioned earlier about existentialism and how it and recovery are tied together in this anime? Well, it should be consistent for Dazai’s character development as well.

In another analysis I’ve done, I’ve mentioned that Dazai is still on in his hero’s journey, his character arc is not completed yet. There’s still more to develop for him, he still has to ‘recover’. I put this in quotations and use it loosely for Dazai because, we know Dazai’s emptiness can never truly go away or healed, despite what we hope. Even Odasaku mentioned that. But that doesn’t mean that he can’t learn to accept it and live on with it. I feel like Dazai’s ‘recovery’ will not be the same as other characters due to how essentially different his source of pain is from others. But perhaps he may be able to see that although life isn’t able to fill the void he has, that emptiness, he may find something of meaning in life, something beautiful, worth fighting for and perhaps even worth living for. In my eyes, I view Dazai’s final arc as finally being able to be at peace with himself, being able to see a reason for why he exists in this world; perhaps it is to protect the beauty in this world that he is slowly starting to see as in Dead Apple? Or perhaps to be finally be able to reach a state of fulfillment/ content for himself to be able to continue to exist in this world.

Therefore, if we are looking at it like this, Dazai’s death would not only defeat the purpose of Odasaku’s death, which is to try and help Dazai to see that perhaps life is more beautiful than he originally thought; it would also ruin a potentially beautiful and moving character arc and go against the whole theme of the anime.

Manga readers, perhaps you may be thinking, but that still doesn’t remove the possibility of his death, as a major character in the universe had died(?) in the manga. Don’t worry, I’ll be talking about that too and why I think it was necessary for that character, and how it also relates to this theme. [Manga Spoilers ahead, you can skip it if you don’t want to read spoilers :)]

Yes, despite haven’t really started reading the Manga, I am aware of Akutagawa’s death and that he became a vampire and a few other things that happened in the manga. And this perhaps showcases that major characters like perhaps Dazai can indeed die. But right now, I’m going to tell you no because I feel like this death was actually important for Akutagawa’s own character arc to fulfill this theme.

In Chapter 87, we see Atsushi and Akutagawa talking about the meaning of life. And till this moment, as we can see, Akutagawa still holds onto the belief that his meaning to live revolves around the need for validation. He fears dying without Dazai’s approval; he wants people to tell him that it is okay to live, that he’s good enough to continue on in this world. Perhaps it is because of his background, the fact that he used to live in the slums, as a nobody, that if he dies nobody would even know and nobody would even care. And perhaps that is why he is so desperate for approval, he believes that he has to earn the right to live, through continually proving his worth, and sees this as his reason to live.

But we all know that you cannot have others to tell you how to live, we know that Atsushi knows that as well. Because even if others tell you it’s okay, but you yourself do not believe it, then how can you expect to be okay with it? But if you know Akutagawa, then you know he is stubborn. I don’t think anyone can convince him into believing in anything unless he himself decides to think so.

I’ve read this chapter quite a few times before I was able to grasp it’s meaning in a sense. But every time I read it, what struck me the most was that a few moments before his death he said that “words do nothing, actions do”. 

Do you know why? Well remember what he said when he was fighting the guild back in Season 2?

“All I expect is a sentence from someone who wouldn’t say it to me”

Do you see any connections? Because till that moment, he is convinced that the reason to live is for validation, that sentence, words from Dazai that perhaps he is worthy, strong enough to keep on living. But at the moment near his death he says the opposite, that words do nothing. Perhaps it is at this moment of death that Akutagawa finally sees the reason for living, that it was beyond what he had believed. Perhaps death is necessary for him to find his reason for living, which in a way is quite ironic.

But if we once again look at the hero’s journey, we can actually say that this is perhaps Akutagawa’s death and rebirth phase (quite literally). Maybe after all this is over, he can actually step on the ‘recovery’ stage to continue to break free from the past that holds him back and continue to search for a reason to live.

Now let’s go back to Dazai. So as we can see, Akutagawa’s death, if we look at it this way can essentially be seen as a character arc in the quest to find the reason to live. But does Dazai’s death benefit or add to his arc in any way? I honestly don’t really think so... 

As Odasaku said “people live to save themselves”. And how does one save themselves without finding the desire and the reason to live? We save ourselves by finding the answer to this question, in this long life that we have, searching for an answer. Despite what life throws at us, we have to endure, and that’s what this anime is about. Therefore, I feel like Dazai will not die.