oh now, holding this pain
just like on the day I left you alone
the pain grows more every day
endlessly before me, like deja vu
hi. my name is Isa Capi and I refuse to sleep once again lol
my brain is so weird for wanting to be depressed on a rainy November night like tonight. in the Philippines. it’s the perfect kind of night to get cozy and sleep. if I didn’t want to sleep, I would have rather worked on some college assignments, but my brain doesn’t want to work either! what the heck 🧍
well, since my brain doesn’t want to sleep nor work and I don’t want to be depressed, I am now making a compromise by making something my brain and I can agree on: writing a vent-comfort drabble. this has happened before with my first Tagalog-written drabble and it worked well as a distraction from Being Mentally Ill™ lmao
without further ado, here is the drabble.
⏳ WRITING START : 11-17-2022
⌛ WRITING END : 11-28-2022
#️⃣ WORD COUNT : roughly 2.1k words
🏷️ TAGS : post-ISWM, Captaineer (The Captain/Head Engineer Mark), angst to comfort, holy shit veeery angsty now that I think about it, the Captain is Tired, we have Impostor Syndrome and it's Horrible, I am once again reiterating angst to comfort
⚠️ CONTENT WARNINGS AND HEADS-UP :
dabbles into what having a horrible and intrusive mental state feels like with impostor syndrome.
colored text (particularly colored red and blue) has been utilized for a visually immersive reading experience.
reader discretion is advised. in other words: read at your own risk.
“Good work today, everyone. You are all dismissed.”
You watch as everyone leaves the conference room, satisfied smile still enduring on your face. Once the last of the head officers and their assistants have left, you finally let yourself collapse slowly to the floor, barely leaning on the wall as you did so.
You’re tired.
You are so overwhelmingly tired — exhausted, even.
Then again, who wouldn’t be, after jumping through countless of lifetimes and endangering countless lives?
Who wouldn’t be beyond exhausted carrying unfathomable guilt while leading the first human colony outside of your own solar system and galaxy?
Good God, you didn’t think it would come to this.
You didn’t even think you’d even be here at all.
You curl into a ball from your previous sitting position, hugging your knees to yourself as you close your eyes.
How did you get here?
A lot of thoughts zoom by your mind as you sit there in the conference room, alone beside the door while contemplating your life decisions.
You were given this role of Captain because the world’s authorities thought of you worthy, but were they right to trust you with the Invincible?
Do they know about how much you had managed to screw up the multiverse?
How did you even get here?
Did you even deserve to be here?
You couldn’t trust your own mind at this point. Intrusive thoughts become louder by the second, making you hold your head as you shake it. “No, no, shut up,” you whisper to yourself. “I deserve to be here. I worked so hard and so well that I was entrusted here. They saw me fit. I deserve to be here.”
You reassure yourself, but your attempts feel futile as the intrusive voices in your head speak ever louder and more erratically. No, you don’t, they retort. You just faked your way into becoming Captain like the impostor you are. You’re a fail YOU FAILED!– failure and you’re undeserving of being Captain. WHO ARE YOU, REALLY? They should have put you down when they had the chance. You shouldn’t be here– who are you to be here?
You’re very aware of how it’s becoming worse — you should be having this breakdown in your room, in your personal space. You want to berate yourself for not having left the conference room earlier, but you decide against it as you try to get up, leaning on the wall for support before moving forward to the long table in the room. Your mental state has worsened your breathing, your once normal rhythm now quickened into panicked breaths. You try to take a deep breath before turning to the door–
“Captain?”
–where you see your Head Engineer, looking at you with worry clearly showing on his face.
“Mark,” You try to smile, but you’re self-aware of how it isn’t quite hiding your pain. “I was just about to leave. Did you forget something?”
Mark blinks as he looks around the empty conference room before worriedly looking back at you. “No, I– I was looking for you, Cap. Are you okay? How long have you been here?”
You softly (and yet, bitterly) chuckle at Mark’s response about finding you. You shake your head slowly as you say, “I’m fine, Mark. I haven’t been here too long. I was just about to leave.”
You mentally pick yourself up — it feels like carrying more than one dead body for you, and this is just you picking yourself up — and you try to make it seem like you’re not slowly staggering as you exit the conference room, but then you hear Mark say,
“I remember, Captain.”
You stop just at the doorway.
“…what do you mean you remember, Mark?”
You are now turned to him, seeing his face darken with trauma and regret.
“Everything,” Mark answers, his voice deep with remorse. “I– I remember how we kept jumping into universe from universe, and I– God, I thought it was you, but I– it was all me, Cap. It was me–”
“No,” you sternly interrupt him despite your current mental state. “It wasn’t just you. You may have built the Warp Core, but I was the one making rash decisions. I was the one who put everyone in the multiverse at risk. I put everyone on the line and I was the one who hurt everyone, including you.”
Mark is baffled with the way you’re owning up to what happened. “But you–”
“But I’m nothing!” You suddenly burst out, unable to stop the tears beginning to flow and stream down your face.
This takes Mark back, baffled and shocked as you unravel in front of him.
“I was the one entrusted with the lives of every single person on this ship,” You continue, “and that’s including you! Do you know how that feels, carrying that responsibility?! I was supposed to keep everyone safe, and I was supposed to make sure we all get through the journey unharmed, but I– but I–!”
You stop. You realize you’re unraveling.
You realize that you’re unraveling in front of your Head Engineer.
You realize that you’re unraveling in front of the only other person who knows about what happened.
He didn’t deserve to see you like this, not when you’re the same person who continuously looked for him; not when you were the one who persevered through lifetime to lifetime, hopeful that you could stop him from repeating his same mistake that destroyed the multiverse and trapped it into a destructive loop.
He didn’t deserve to see you like this.
He didn’t deserve to see you like this at all.
In fact, he shouldn't have to see you, his Captain, unraveling so messily like this.
You scoff; and then, you let out a bitter laugh.
“Ha… haha…” Your voice resounded, broken and unsure as your eyes darkened with your bitter smile. “I’m… I apologize for my outburst. That was… that was really unbecoming of me. I should go now.”
You turn to finally leave, but you feel a hand hold yours, halting your departure once more.
“Don’t…” Mark begins, trailing off. “Don’t go yet.”
You don’t move. You don’t even turn to look at him when you say, “Let me go.”
“No.” Your Head Engineer deadpanned, voice solid and stern. “I’m not letting you go.”
You turn your head a little, as if leaning to look. You don’t, however, as you refuse to see him.
“Let me go, Mark.”
“No. I’m here, Captain. I’m here, holding on to you, and I’m not letting you go.”
You suddenly remember when you held him back from the wormhole.
He was begging you to let him go, to let him fix what he thought was your mistake — but you knew how it was all him, and that even his older self knew he needed you to stop him. You spent lifetime after lifetime letting him slip through your hands until you finally, finally got ahold of him and never let him go.
It seems the tables have turned.
“Why…?” You weakly ask, voice barely above a whisper. “You know. You know how I put everyone in the multiverse at stake. I put everyone at stake and I treated it like a game. I was horrible for that and you know it.”
Mark could only shake his head, beyond baffled at what he was hearing from you. “What?! Captain, no! I don’t think of you that way, not anymore. Nobody thinks of you that way–”
“Well, I do!” You finally admit, turning so quickly to him that you feel a little dizzy. “I finally realize why you and Lady resented me so much, and– God, I didn’t see it, but I killed so many people– so many dead, and it was all because I thought we were just starting over!”
At this point, you’re sure you look much like a mess. Your hair is unruly from the way you held your head earlier, and your eyes are flowing with tears — tears that have long stained your cheeks and flowed until they drop to the floor. Snot is beginning to run down your nose. You’re sure you’re far from pretty and/or handsome.
You’re far from pretty and/or handsome.
Even so, Mark can’t help but love you more anyway.
“I thought…” You speak again, catching his attention once again. “I thought that… I thought if I find you, if I find you and hold on… I thought it would stop. And I was right– older you was right, even– and we restored the multiverse.”
Your eyes drop to the floor, closing them as you remember all those bodies — all those corpses — that came out of the wormhole for every time you died and/or jumped into another universe.
All those corpses.
All those lives.
All those people– dead because of you.
“We restored the multiverse, Mark,” you state to him, but your voice has become more broken as you hold back a sob before looking at him in the eyes.
“We restored it, Mark, but what did it cost?
What did my foolishness cost?”
You couldn’t stand anymore — not when you’re already falling apart. You had half the mind to lean onto the wall before sliding down to the floor again. You don’t care about appearances anymore; it’s just you and your Head Engineer, anyway. You try to take deep breaths as haunted memories flash in your mind. You close your eyes and put your gloved hands over them as an attempt to stop seeing such flashbacks, but you can still see it all like a waking nightmare.
The fact that you can still remember almost clearly makes you whimper.
You don't feel it at first, but Mark had crouched to level with you, hands reaching to your shoulders. Before you know it, you find yourself in your Head Engineer's arms, wrapped in his warm embrace.
Mark hugging you feels very comforting — grounding, even. The voices in your head begin to die down, and the intrusive nightmarish distortion of your memories start to fade as your mind relaxes. Your breathing slows, and you find yourself leaning more to your Head Engineer as he carefully cradles and comforts you.
His voice is soft when he speaks.
“You know, Captain,” he begins somberly, “I'm really glad you held on to me.”
What he said makes you look at him with your tired, cried-out eyes.
“...what makes you say that?”
Mark sighs as he gently strokes your hair, closing his eyes as he thinks back to the loop. “Well, I was just making the same mistake after all,” he reasons out. “I remember catching wind of that.”
You remember when his older self realized it back in the diner, telling you that you had to stop his younger self. “Oh... you remember that, don't you?”
He chuckles bittersweetly. “Yeah, somewhat...”
You chuckle with him, subconsciously glad that you can recall the events of the wormhole without your mind twisting it maliciously.
“I kind of remember when I hoped that you'd stop me,” he admits, voice soft as he recalls the time. “I don't think I was consciously hoping, though... but that Warp Crystal always found you, didn't it?”
What he just said makes you think.
For every loop reset, you come back to a sabotaged ship. You recall when you do reach the door to the Warp Core Chamber and how the Warp Core was looking for a suitable host and how it always said suitable host located when it scans you.
“With that said, Captain,” Mark begins, taking you out of your reverie. “You're not as horrible as you think. In fact, I believe you really are the best of us, because you never gave up on your crew — you never gave up on me.”
Your Head Engineer gently takes your face by the chin, making you look him in the eyes as you sniff. Your eyes are red and puffy from crying, cheeks stained with all the tears that have been flowing. You're evidently vulnerable, and Mark takes it upon himself to take care of you for the time being.
“You never gave up on us, so don't give up on yourself, Cap,” he softly states, “because I believe in you just as much as you believed in me.”
You feel your heart ache and you cry even more — but now you gratefully smile.
“Mark, thank you,” you say, voice weak and cracked. “Really, thank you.”
He reflects your smile sincerely as he chuckles. “I should be thanking you, Captain. But yeah... you're welcome.”
The both of you stay there, cuddled up together on the floor as you steady yourself and your breaths. You lean onto your Head Engineer's shoulder as he cradles you, hugging you and holding your head. Your intrusive thoughts have all died down now, and all that's left in your headspace is a sense of comfort and contentment. You finally feel at peace with yourself.
Whatever had happened is all in the past now,
and you've never been more glad that you experienced it all with him.
P.S. I really meant to utilize the colored text more specially to simulate the Captain's headspace post-ISWM.
I like to think that post-ISWM, they build their new colony, they start having doubts about themself, which slowly and eventually leads to nightmarish distortions of their memories. It then develops into a horrible state of mind — hence the red and blue. You can say they're like… glitches. Errors, if you will.
Oh, and you know how, in a distant place in the multiverse, we are part of an amalgamated being that glitches red and blue? How their red is often passionate rage, and their blue is often a calculated calm? Yeah.
Anyway, writing this helped me feel better, even if for a little bit. I've been feeling horrible about myself lately (hence this entire fic lmao) so it's nice to let it out somehow. This was cathartic.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed reading this.
The divider used in this is a cropped photo of steil egil liland's Blac Blue and Green.
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Saw this tag game on another post and thought I'd do it (idk if I've done it before, maybe something similar, but my answers will be different anyway)
1. Were you named after anyone?
Nope
My chosen name (Allister) however, is from a youtuber who has a very cool name and I stole it (Alasdair Beckett-King, very funny videos and he has great hair too). I adapted it a bit so people in Spain would at least have an idea of how to pronounce it at first glance (hopefully)
It has nothing to do with any Crowley (which I did not realize was a thing until recently), tho for a bit I named myself AJ like Good Omens Crowley, but I don't like how it sounds in Spanish...
2. When was the last time you cried?
Last month probably
3. Do you have kids?
No. And I don't want any. I don't dislike them, but it's not for me
4. What sports do you play/have you played?
Judo, karate and football (the indoors kind). All as a kid/teen. Now my brother and I walk every week day and go up and down stairs (when we remember...)
One day I want to try to go to a gym to get some muscle, but not too much, just a bit of definition. Also, I'd enjoy doing rock climbing, but not competitive climbing or anything like that
5. Do you use sarcasm?
Sometimes
6. What's the first thing you notice about people?
Irl: the way they move their face and hands when they speak, which then I subconsciously use to recognize people, bc I'm a bit face blind
Online: the way they choose to express themselves
7. What's your eye color?
Gray/light blue on the outside and artichoke green/lime on the inside
8. Scary movies or happy endings?
I like both, but I'd rather watch a happy ending. For scary things I prefer to watch Markiplier's scary games videos
9. Any talents?
I'm VERY good at jigsaw puzzles
10. Where were you born?
East of Spain, by some of the best Mediterranean coasts 😁. I enjoy it here, but one day I'd like to live in the UK, at least for a bit, I think I'd like it there
11. What are your hobbies?
Listening to music, singing, making art (crafting, building, drawing, painting, writing, ...), watching media (shows, panel shows, youtube, twitch), video games (rhythm/dancing, platformer, puzzle... Also minecraft, powerwash sim, potion craft...), going for walks, exercise, learning languages (especially English)
If I had any good ones close, I'd go to theatres and museums too. And, if I had money, I'd travel. I'm also slowly learning about taking care of plants
12. Do you have any pets?
Not yet. I'd love to have dogs, cats, frogs, snakes... or anything really. I love animals. But I think cats and frogs would be the best fit for me, considering my personality and current lifestyle
I've always wanted a dog, but I've only had a turtle and a hamster
13. How tall are you?
1.63m or 5’3”
14. Favorite subject in school?
Biology and technology
15. Dream job?
Anything that pays me enough to be independent and let me do all my hobbies
Although, if I ever have the patience, base skill, and required mental fortitude, I'd go for general robotics and/or prop making (for film and/or theatre)
No pressure tags in no particular order (I tried to tag as many people as I could, but apparently there's a tag limit 😅):
@swamp-communism @they-thespian666 @strongsuits @skelesona @shinekittenace @yeetmewithachainsaw @rockium-z @gordonzola-ramen @vampireopossum @libraryfag @frostytheduck @tetostar @xyrnys @normalscientist @dolltwink @anxi0usgh0st05 @piersgender
@mettatonsass @sinfulauthor @flaretheidiot @sneebles-mcgee @pivotallemonade @aroace-genderfluid-snake @monstrousmaws @satanic-leaf @virtualunease @villowrose @handrazedsun @ceiltheoutcast @atroph1k @entropy-sea-system @abby-cat99928 @maroroque @galaxgay
@realyfroggyfrog @angrysheep @llamaflower @ultrabean @sea-salt-sky @queerestqueertoeverqueer @crowleys-queen @foolishlovers @cassieno @crowleys-hips @argylepiratewd @trianglebird4 @sugarplumanderson @underlilithswings21 @crowleys-bentley-and-plants @healingmyinnerteen
and anyone else that sees this, consider yourself tagged!
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Disclaimer: I am not a proshipper. If you have to ask, I will be blocking you. I also have no strict dni list, but please do not subject me to nsfw. Jokes are typically fine.
also there will temporarily be tags on this post until I can properly move posts to the new tags and sort them. sorry gamers!
HI !! I'm Sun and I use any pronouns!
🧡 Things I'm currently into: Friday Night Funkin', Slenderman and Slenderblogs, Ride the Cyclone, Markiplier Makes, Minecraft, and more!
My ungodly list of pronouns: she/her, she/sher, vi/ver, ware/wares, whir/whirs (whirr/whirrs), gear/gears, int/ints, glow/glows, he/him, they/them, it/its, and anything else you can come up with !!
🦐 What things will you find on this blog?
well, I will probably post and reblog a lot about the things I enjoy, but besides that, I post art! I do write sometimes, but I don't usually post it.
🍤 My Slenderblogs: @daylily-slender @slenderofspades @sirenslender @poet-tenderman @lost-slenderman @citrineslender @garnetslender as well as @norasong @theamazingleaf who are not slenders but are tied to the lore
🌻 My abandoned blogs: @phonedude-asks @moon-cluster and @agenericarcadebot (I'm too focused on my slenderblogs to properly run these blogs, but I might come back eventually.)
*outdated/dead tags
Enchantment Table — art posts
Crafting Table — wip posts
Book & Quill — text posts
The Lectern — quote posts
Ultra Space — answered asks
Bleeding Stems — slenderblog posts
The Hourglass Clock — ocverse posts
* Hidden Helpers AU — sams au
* Hallucigenia AU — sams au
* A Generic AU — ruin blog/sams au
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