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darkdevasofdestruction · 9 months

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Chapter 24 - Wǒ Qīn'ài de Húxiān Huánghòu

"Hey, babe, sorry, but I won't hold back. I'll try to keep from hitting your pretty face though. It would be a shame to hurt such a beauty." Rihito grinned flirtatiously, making Kisara gag internally. "Rihito. I'm married. You came to my wedding." she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Married or not, you're still hot and I want your number." Kisara groaned in frustration, not bothering to listen to any of Mokichi's professional commentary.

As soon as the referee announced the moment to take their stance, Kisara cracked her knuckles and adopted Agito's martial arts stance, waiting. The fight began, and Rihito sprung at light speed towards the red head - Only to find himself knocked out, on the ground. For the ordinary people with no experience, it looked like some kind of magic took place - But the others cheered the fantastic win lasting less than a minute. It was a classic Hatsumi Sen win that only someone as fast as Kisara could accomplish. First, she leaned to the side, grabbing his hand, or rather, wrapping her fingers around his thumb, gripping and forcing it in an awkward angle, forcing him to his knees. Before Rihito could escape with the aid of his other hand's Razor's Edge, Kisara used Senpai's Gathering Clouds: Triple Strike move on his face, hitting the glabella, philtrum and chin with such speed that he fell on the ground, knocked out and bleeding.

Kisara smirked, doing a pretty princess courtesy towards the audience, before getting out of the ring, and back to where the manager was waiting to congratulate her, along with Jackie and Joji. She hadn't even sweat, at all - To think that what a semifinal worthy of a Kengan x Purgatory Tournament... What a disgrace! Her fight with Wakatsuki from many years ago was far more entertaining than this hilarity. As soon as she got up the stands, she double high-fived both Jackie and Joji before slumping down on her assigned seat next to the foreigner who offered her another pocky pack and a coke can, with which she clinked to everyone's beer or sake cups.

"You made that look very easy." Jackie said casually. "It is, actually!" she smiled, munching on that pocky. "It's not." he said. "It takes years of practice. How long did it it take?" "Hmm... Let's see... About four years, I think?" she pondered over. "Ah, but don't think I was in any way athletic back then! Goodness, no I-- I was pretty pathetic and weak. I was still in Uni and studying all day, barely living on coffee and a light meal per day. If it wasn't for Ohma encouraging me to get healthier, I wouldn't have gotten where I am." she scratched the back of her neck awkwardly. "It took years to gain any ounce of self-confidence, control and discipline over myself. Hatsumi-Senpai helped me a lot in that regard. I used to be such an anxious little mouse before!" she giggled lightly. "But I got to do a lot of mountain hiking, which was super fun!" "You're just being modest, then. It took your Senpai years to perfect a move and learn how to teach it to you. Don't downplay your hard-work." Jackie hummed, nonchalantly drinking his beer. "You're just too nice, Jackie." she hummed. "Would you like to go hiking with us some day?" "Sure."

The second semifinal began with Koga against Ryuki, which was an exciting and thrilling match. Gaoh began with a fantastically quick footwork towards and around Koga using Setsuna's move, but Narushima was able to dodge before he got killed. Was Kiryu around, maybe? Could Ryuki be so directly influenced by Setsuna, all of a sudden? He wasn't like this a while ago, during the Kengan vs Purgatory Tournament. If Ohma finds him, an all-out war might explode. Ever since Ohma got his memories back, he's gotten so much wiser and level-headed, so grounded and calm, it was truly wholesome and heart-warming; Hence why, Kisara was almost sure that Ohma was protective over Koga, but also wanted to protect Ryuki from negative outside influence - In this case, Setsuna - Knowing he was just a child traumatised by the Inside, similar to him in many ways, but also, so very different. Tokita Niko and Gaoh Mukaku were definitely miles apart on the spectrum.

Koga looked almost helpless before Gaoh's fierce rush - Truth is, Koga wasn't tried to kill his friend, while Ryuki was actively going out of his way to assassinate him. He was dodging and evading, parrying and blocking, even a combination of Koei style Blink and Rakshasa's Palm. All of a sudden, Jackie got up abruptly. "Something wrong, Jackie?" Joji asked him, looking up at the man whilst still drinking his alcohol. "I'm gonna buy some more beer. Want me to pick up something while I'm there?" the foreigner offered. "Can I have fried offal and noodles? I swear, I could live the rest of my life on nothing but fried offal and noodles." Joji chuckled lethargically. "Are you sure you're okay, Jackie? You seem upset. Is the match boring you?" Kisara automatically got up to her feet, her hand reaching out to gently touch his biceps. Jackie looked down at her, his empty eyes boring into her beautiful green ones, and his expression subtly lightened. "Yes, I'm alright, don't worry about me." he placed his large hand over her her much smaller and delicate one. "For a fighter, you have very soft skin. It would be a shame if you got hurt." with one finger placed under her chin, he rose her face up. She was as beautiful as always, he thought, and without a second word, he left to the shop, leaving Kisara very much confused.

Meanwhile, Koga used the Indestructible, risking the Rakshasa's Palm rotation and punching Koga's face hard enough - He finally realised that the rotation is tearing apart not only the muscles, but the bones and nerves also. Poor Adam, taking the brunt of that. Even Nikaido, years ago. Thank goodness Master Gensai fought him in the next round and put him to respect, otherwise, who knows how many more people he would have almost killed. Ryuki got in a low stance before leaping up with two Air Rending Gaoh Style techniques in a row aimed at Koga's head - He combined the Gaoh style with the Koei style again, what a monster; He did the same with the Blink and the Earth-Crouching Dragon. Koga managed to land a beautiful straight to his face, sensing Ryuki fall to the ground, but he got back on his feet right away.

Koga used the Flame Kata - Raging Fire Dash, grabbing Ryuki in a low stance, and though he tried to pull the Rakshasa's Palm move twice on him, it didn't work. Koga easily figured out the spin goes from below the elbow down. He's got him all figured out. Ryuki used the Armor Clad, a technique similar to the Indestructible, to which Koga punched with with Ironbreak - Though in a twist of events, Gaoh used Swift foot, hitting Koga's torso with Setsuna's move, catching him off guard; Thankfully, the silver haired young man managed a semi-perfect Indestructible before he could get any real damage to his body.

Whatever conclusion both of them reached was unknown, for they engaged in an outright slugfest, using Armor clad and Indestructible. Koga combined the Iron Breaker with the Raging Fire, lunging at Ryuki with mad speed and strength, breaking through his defenses, sending him flying - But he went on ahead once again, smashing him with a Flashing Steel, landing a clean hit - Though his fists were massively bleeding. Ohma must be pretty pissed off that Koga hurt himself by using techniques blindly without thinking.

Who'd have thought that Ryuki would be beaten by his best friend, using his infamous Earth-Crouching Dragon uppercut strike on himself, the person he relied on the most, knocking him out instantly? Narushima Koga advances to the finals. As Kisara got up from her seat and walked towards the arena, she encountered Jackie, as if he was looking for her. He didn't bring her something to either drink or eat - In fact, he seemed to have bought nothing at all. Was he not returning to the others? Was he in a rush to leave?

"I need to leave soon." Jackie said, his hands in the pockets. "I'll look for you after you win this to say goodbye. That's what friends do, right?" Though a little clumsy, Kisara smiled at the nice thought. "Of course. I hope my match will impress you a bit more than the last one." she said, before taking his hands in her own. "But, Jackie - Are you sure you're alright? You seem really upset. Like - Really. Is something the matter?" Jackie looked down at her, squeezing her hands softly, but his expression didn't change. He looked as bored as always. "I'm fine. Worry about your match. In fact, that's why I came to find you. I thought of a way to evade any injury." Jackie said, gently taking his hands out of her hold and rummaging in the pocket of his jacket. "You said that boy knows your style, and you knows his. The solution is simple. Do what you do best." the ghost of a smile touched his handsome features. "Dance." "Dance?" the girl rose a questioning eyebrow, earning a nod from the man. "You've shown everything in fights, except your dancing. Wushu can be mastered through dancing. That boy is injured enough for you to be able to pull off a quick win." he noted, taking out a beautiful golden jade pin, ornate with flowers, and put it in her velvety carmine hair. "Achieve victory." he said in a more stern voice, turning around to leave. "And never fight again."

Kisara had no clue what happened, nor could she understand the peculiarity of her interaction with Jackie. Not only was he acting weird, but was also being overly familiar, speaking as though they knew each other for ages. But that accessory was very pretty and seemed veritable - She wasn't going to throw away a gift. Regardless, she had a match to win. She walked into the ring, and saw Wakatsuki standing next to Jerry and Sayaka at the commentator's table. "Thank you for being with us, Wakatsuki! Can you tell us what to look out for in this match?" Jerry spoke. "Well, if you ask me, Kisara's going to be a force to be reckoned with. I've fought her before, and she gave me a run for my money. That's not to say it's a sure win. Narushima's style is versatile, witty and strong." Kisara wanted to chuckle at his comment, especially as Koga was in such a battered state. The two stepped close enough to fist bump and grin at each other. "Let's do this, Kisara!" Koga said, pumped up. "Yeah, let's enjoy this fight." she stepped backwards towards her spot. "You should know by now though, I'm more of an expert in the Niko style than you can imagine." she chuckled, taking the graceful stance of a dancer, while Koga took the usual stance.

Dance - Jackie said. Alright then, let's dance for the Emperor. She smiled gracefully, knowing that her husband was watching, and as soon as the referee yelled the beginning of the fight, Kisara hummed the melody of the Lanling Prince in Battle song, performing every move that the beautiful concubine in that movie did. Though she hadn't a mask or a weapon to signify the duality of the prince, nor the war he was fighting, she twirled beautifully towards Koga, evading with ease his hits, and with the elegance of a swan, her palms struck him hard, making him reel backwards. There was not a single hit that Koga could aim - He felt as though he was fighting mist, or even the flowing water - Yet when she kicked him, she hit harder than a hurricane.

"Sorry, kid." Kisara apologised to Koga as she twirled, striking him hard in the face with an open palm hit, before doing a few pirouettes towards him, grabbing him by the chin, dragging him forwards. She then took his wrist, ducking behind him and kneeing him in the liver from behind, before twirling in front of him again, pulling him by the hand and doing a backflip, kneeing him in the diaphragm again, and graciously landing on her feet to deliver her last hit, her finishing strike: The Dragon Shot.

Koga was unconscious on the ground. "THE QUEEN OF THE KENGAN MATCHES STRIKES AGAIN! KISARA WINS!" the winner did a few beautiful moves as courtesy to the cheering audience. To think she'd actually win a tournament, isn't that hilarious? She sure had a ton of good luck. Was it an auspicious day or what? Ah, she's beat. She just wants to go home and cuddle Ohma to sleep.

She skipped out of the arena, looking for her husband. She found him, along with some others, who congratulated her. Jackie was leaning on the wall, but he came over just as Ohma pulled her in a kiss. "Well done. You fought well." the foreigner spoke in a low voice. "Now stop fighting." not only her, but Ohma and some others who weren't too drunk, or too engulfed in conversations looked at him confused. "It's a man's job to protect his woman. You had your fun. Now stay safe." "If Kisara wants to continue fighting, she will. She doesn't need anyone's protection." Ohma defended his wife's tenacity and resolve. "My wife will do whatever she wants." Jackie shared a short exchange of looks with Ohma, before his gaze fell on Kisara for the last time. Unexpectedly, he spoke one last phrase, in his mother tongue, before leaving. "Zàijiàn. Wǒ Qīn'ài de Húxiān Huánghòu." Kisara gasped, her eyes wide open, and her mouth agape. "What'd he say?" Yamashita asked, scratching the back of his neck in confusion. "I have no clue. What language was that anyway?" Ohma grunted, furrowing his brows slightly. "I think it was Chinese." the manager replied. "Kisara, did you understand what he said?" she nodded her head. "You have a weird look on your face. Did he threaten you?" "No... On the contrary." she muttered, pulling away from Ohma. "Find me outside in ten minutes, okay? I need to seek some answers." they needn't ask for words - They understood each other through looks alone.

Kisara ran after Jackie, all the way outside. She spotted his messy blond hair and she grabbed him by the elbow, stopping him from advancing further away. He hadn't turned around to face her though. "Why did you say that to me?" Kisara asked. "I don't know Chinese very well, but I can tell simple words like that." she gulped. "Farewell, my beloved Fox Empress. That's what you said, isn't it? Why did you say that to me?"

"Because that's what you've always been." he answered so nonchalantly, but somehow, Kisara felt scared like never before. She never once felt any kind of malice from Jackie - Why now? Why does she feel in danger, but also... Safe? That made no sense whatsoever. "Jackie. Do you... Know me?" she asked, feeling a shiver down her spine. "Jackie. Jackie... That's not your name, isn't it?" she bit her lip. "Jackie. Are you... Are you the 'Connector'?" The silence from the one calling himself Jackie was eerie and dangerous like nothing she's ever experienced before. "You've always been too smart for your own good. Your wisdom was wasted on a woman. Nobody listened to you." a painful sense of dread froze her heart. "They should have listened to you." Confused but also creeped out, Kisara took the pin out of her hair and analysed it. She might have known some words here and there, but she definitely couldn't read the symbols. "Am I a clone like Ohma and Ryuki, then? I couldn't be, could I? If Huisheng might have been taught and done for over a millennia... Now or then... I doubt I'd have had any worth to clone. So if that's not it, then... Then how do you know me?" "You are right. You weren't worth cloning, any more than anyone else, except for the Connector." Jackie spoke. "Are you a Buddhist?" Kisara was perplex at such a question, only to realise it made sense, in an odd way. "Are you trying to ask me if I believe in Samsara? Reincarnation?" he nodded his head. "I... I don't. Or rather, I didn't. With all this cloning and Huisheng going on, I... I'm not sure if I should let anything surprise me anymore." "I am many, though I am one. You are one, yet you are many." his phrase sounded more like a riddle than any answer. "Don't let them kill you again. Ruyi."

Kisara's eyes widened, shocked at the name she was given. "Are you trying to imply I'm Chinese?" "Once, a Princess. Now, only by thinned blood, yet with no less of the grace." whether he knew the effect his words had on her, creeping her out like that. Or, perhaps he knew, for he took a step forward, ready to leave. "Wait - Jackie!" the man did not stop; Instead, he spoke a single word before vanishing through the crowd of people, as though he was a phantasm that she imagined. "Shen", he said. Was that his true name, then? Or, at least, the one she interacted with. "Kisara." someone placing a hand on her shoulder made the woman jump in her skin with a yelp of shock. "Easy now, it's me. You were zoning out." "Ohma." Kisara breathed out shakily. "Let's go home. I need to call Katahara." "Huh? What happened?" Ohma's eyes widened in shock as Kisara threw her arms around his torso, clinging tightly onto him. "I'm still trying to figure out what happened. Let me explain while we go back home. It's... A lot to take in."

Kisara recalled the dialog and interactions she had with the man whose name may or may not be Shen truly, and she even researched the symbols on the accessory - Princess Ruyi - It said. How scary. "I want to ask Katahara and Wu Xing if they know anything about Reincarnation. I want to know how does the Connector know me, and why would he bother going out of his way to get so familiar with me. I mean, he's the head of the Worm, right? He's supposed to stay hidden, yet he went out of his way to befriend Yamashita Kazuo and Joji. He didn't hide away from you and the others either." she laid on the bed in deep thought. "He told me not to let them kill me. He told me to stop fighting. He told me my smarts were wasted on me for being a woman, because nobody listens to women." Kisara suddenly shot up in a sitting position, turning to look at her husband. "It almost sounds like the story of the Lanling Prince and his wife. She begged him not to go to war, but he went anyway, so she followed after him. Instead, the prince ended up watching his wife get killed in front of him. As she lay dying in his arms, her blood splattered all over his mask. You remember that show, don't you? Almost a hundred episodes - Though you slept through most of it anyway."

"Aren't you overthinking it? I mean, it doesn't really matter in the end, does it? Whether incarnation is true or not, you aren't connected with your past selves like the Huisheng bastards are. If you don't remember anything, it doesn't affect you." he, too, got up, cupping her face. "Whatever you were in the past doesn't matter. Right now, you are Tokita Kisara, my wife. You're a fighter because you want to, and you did a ton of things thanks to your intelligence. You've got a bunch of friends and your whole life ahead of yourself. Who cares about that guy, anyway? Besides, he had every chance to kill you, but he didn't seem hostile to you, you said; On the contrary. So even better. If the Worm head doesn't want you dead, all the best for me, I won't have to worry too much." "Since when have you gotten so wise, anyway?" Kisara climbed in his lap, pulling him into a tight embrace. "I almost don't recognise you for the stupid gym rat you were a little ago." "Shut up, you dumbass bookworm. I'm just saying - Don't bother with that guy. As long as he ain't trying to harm you, he's not our concern yet. You're worrying too much. I bet you're overthinking yourself to death now with all sorts of bullshit." Kisara offered a wry smile, feeling guilty and busted.

"Of course, you are right. I can't help but think about what he said. About all this. If the Connector dates back over a thousand years ago, well - Confucianism was a big thing in China - But then why did he ask if I was a Buddhist? Thing is - There are so many contradictions about all this. I mean - Confucianism rejected the idea of reincarnation, saying a single life was enough. The Connector is cloning himself, thus, continuing to live and relive. It's like a continuous Samsara, in a weird way, with no Nirvana. Buddhism believes strongly in rebirth until one achieves nirvana." she rested her elbow on his shoulders. "Shen said my talents were wasted on me, because I was a woman. He called me an Empress. A Princess. If we were during a Confucianism time, then the Annalects speak that women must obey their father, husband and sons after the death of the husband. Likewise, they say if a woman doesn't hold the "four virtues" - chastity, modesty in speech, neatness of appearance, and good needlework and cooking, then they aren't worthy. Women aren't important. Which would make sense with what he said." she continued with her ridiculous overthinking. "When in comes to Buddhism, I think the Sutras and the Jataka tales tend to contradict themselves. I heard that Siddhartha Gautama called equality among men and women when it comes to attaining Spiritual Awakening, but at the same time, there are writings that say women aren't allowed to become Bodhisattva and must have a good karma to be reborn as a man to have any chance of attaining nirvana, because they are seen as polluted with menstruation, sexual intercourse, death and childbirth. By this accord, I am fated to keep this Samsara cycle for an eternity, because I've sinned for centuries, and by bad karma is punishing me in this cursed body, unable to achieve Enlightening." she hummed, her eyes narrowed a little. "But then, if I was a weak, useless woman, why would I be killed? Why would he care? He's the Connector, and he admitted I'm not worth cloning, like everyone else except for him - So why does he cling to my supposed reincarnation?"

"Are you done?" Ohma had the most done with life expression on his face. "For now, I think yes." she nodded casually. "Good, because I zoned out a while ago." he scoffed, pushing her on her back on the bed. "You speak too much and I don't understand jack shit. Didn't I tell you not to use use smart words cause I don't understand? Everything you said is just a bunch of unimportant thoughts that you have, that's all. What's the point in thinking about a past you never had, when you're living in the present? Confucius and Buddha, and whatever anyone else thinks or believes in - You don't believe in any of that shit, you said that countless of times. So if you don't care about that, why the hell would you get so deep into this? Forget it." Ohma towered down over her, his long hair draping over her face, tickling her into giggling. "That's it. That's the beautiful smile I wanted to see." he placed his hands over hers, intertwining their fingers together, squeezing lightly. "You won a tournament. You made yourself proud with your hard work. You were great out there. Why go out of your way to upset yourself? We're living in the present - Remember what we talked about on the island? We're creating our own lives. Together." Kisara smiled sweetly, feeling her eyes sting with emotion, small tears slowly escaping at the corners and streaming down. "You have no idea how much I love you, Ohma. There's no one in this world that could understand me like you do. I'm so lucky to have you in my life." he simply chuckled, leaning down to capture her sweet lips in a tender kiss. "I love you, Kisara."

Days passed since the tournament, and with that, Ryuki's departure back home, to his grandpa in the Inside. Problem was, the summer ended, and with it, so did the connection with the boy. He was nowhere to be found. Of course, everyone worried over him and together with Retsudo, they formed a rescue party, adding Himuro and Rei, who would be great additions. Along with the manager, they gathered at Katahara's home, around a large map that depicted the map of the Inside based on satellite photography and statements from the residents. The GPS tracker placed on Ryuki had stopped responding around Rhoza district, so something must have happened around there. The change of the borders was always changing though, so they must have probably already shifted drastically.

Rei had been on a job there before, at the border of Rhoza - Apparently, Himuro was from there also originally. They say they keep putting up new buildings and apartments where there were roads the previous day, so it's a real mess to deal with. Ryuki was lost somewhere in the middle of the map, which was not a part of Rohza anymore, but a contested territory by all districts around. They were walking in the middle of a turf war. Not great.

Yamashita Kazuo remembered Ohma mentioning having a villa in Shiki, and he though he must have travelled diagonally, from one end of the Inside, to the other. Of course, that wasn't the case, he wasn't suicidal - He went outside the borders, taking refuse in Shiki when things got to shit in Tokita.

While they were discussing a plan, Koga had left to see the border with the Inside, trying to convince himself and find his courage and resolve to join them in their venture in hell. He even got to see a Seki vs Naoya fight, to which he was told a lot of encouraging words - Finally, he was ready to go.

They were leaving on the morrow. Himuro would be leading them through Rohza and Rei would accompany them until they reached the disputed territory. They'll need a guide through the disputed territory though - Retsudo seemed to already have someone in mind though, so things were good. Clearly, he was in it to get more info on the Worm - Smart boy. He'll become a fantastic chairman, just like Katahara was.

Before they left, Kisara, Ohma and Koga went over to Masaki at Toyo corp to retrieve their reports on the Inside - Surveys made by his supposed father were made from two years prior and what not. "Are you sure you want to come?" Ohma turned to Kisara, checking one last time. "Of course. I want to rescue Ryuki as much as everyone. Besides - I want to stay by your side, remember? I don't want a sudden repeat of a few years ago. Someone has to keep you safe, right?" she winked at him playfully, holding his hand. "A'ight, Your Majesty, protect me." Ohma chuckled as they traversed the thick wall corridor that led to the Inside, a desolate place abandoned by God like no other.

It almost felt as if they weren't in Japan anymore, with bazaars and black markets everywhere, soldiers, refugees, merchants, vendors and everything else you'd think of. Weirdly enough, Ohma seemed to be grinning, reminiscing about Tokita Ward. Weirdo. They went to search for some lodging for the night, in the biggest dump in the entire world - Kisara wanted to tear her hair apart from disgust, but she signed herself up for it. Well, at least she won't stay too long in this shithole - And Ohma led her and Koga to eat some pretty damn good ramen, though she didn't want to know what it was made of. He told Ohma that he wanted Koga to come over because the Niko style originated here, and he wants him to inherit Niko style wholly... But he said it in such a creepy way. "So if something happens to me..." he said, making both Koga and Kisara slam their hands on the table, protesting. "You're making it sound like you're dying!!" they both yelled at him. "You know about me and Ryuki, don't you? We're somebody's clones, and that somebody is after us. Anything could happen. That's why I wanna teach you what I learned from Niko, like I taught Kisara, while I still have the chance." Ohma's voice was so stern and somber that Kisara hit him in the head with the spoon. Hard. "If you even think about dying on me a second time, I'll never forgive you." she hissed at him. "I won't let him die, don't worry." the eerie voice of none other than Kiryu Setsuna made them all snap their gaze at him as he sat down next to Ohma - So close that he made him visibly uncomfortable. "Can you not make my husband cringe from how uncomfortable he is?" Kisara sighed, defeated. "Instead, tell us about Ryuki. I know you had your hand in making a killer out of him and losing his mind in the process."

"Ah, yes, we exterminated Worms together." he spoke so nonchalantly, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Well, it sort of was, in a way - For them, at least. "FUCK YOU!" Koga howled, grabbing Setsuna by the neck of the shirt. "IT'S YOUR FAULT! YOU MADE RYUKI LIKE THAT!" he continued shaking him violently. "Koga, calm down, you're attracting unwanted attention to us." Kisara coughed, looking around at the prying eyes. "Don't misunderstand me, Narushima. I never once ordered Ryuki to do anything." he said it was the same thing as what Ohma's doing, passing on his legacy to him. "Ryuki's going through a dilemma right now. He's between a rock and a hard place." "Is it about his grandpa's teachings, and Koga's resolve of not killing?" Kisara asked, earning an empty smile from the man. "You've got it right." he nodded. "I last saw him the day before he went back to the Inside. Ryuki said he'd come back right after that, but he's still not back yet - So I came to the Inside to look for him." "You said Mukaku's got safehouses all over the place?" Ohma asked, interested in Setsuna's knowledge. "Yeah, seems he made a lot of enemies. Ryuki said he had around twenty places and that's just as far as he knew. Ryuki's GPS tracker has stopped moving for the past few days, before stopping responding entirely." Setsuna explained simply, though he did seem a bit worried for his pupil also. "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!" Kisara had to shove Koga back down on his seat to make him stop overreacting. "There's a good chance that Ryuki's found Gaoh Mukaku, and that he's in trouble." Setsuna got up from the table. "Wait, you think Ryuki's grandpa would hurt him?" the woman's eyes widened in realisation. Kiryu shrugged vaguely. "I'm going to look for Ryuki on my own. The Worm's in the Inside too. We need to find Mukaku before they do - Otherwise, they'll kill him." so it's the Worm they should be worried about. Then, could the Connector also...?

Early in the morning, while Himuro and Rei were up and ready for a high-level spar, a messenger came over with an invitation from the General, a soldier named Zhang who was buddy buddies with Himuro. To offer than a guide, one of them had to defeat one of his men - So Retsudo offered, getting in a Silat stance that Misasa would be proud of, and going forward for a few feint jabs - And when the enemy pulled out his knife, Retsu took his small hand-knife, stomping on his foot and slashing the enemy well, hitting all his vitals. What a beast, and he's so young also! And so cocky, teasing the enemy into attacking blindly - He easily parried a punch with his elbow twice, before slicing at his face and destroying him. No wonder he's about the only one capable of coming between Ohma and Raian when they're fighting.

Kisara clapped at the cool young man. "That was awesome, Retsu, well done! Misasa would be so proud of you!" Ohma, also, praised and high-fived him. Out of nowhere, this creepy, bandaged up guide appeared - So fast and silent that not even Rei sensed him. What a monster. He guided them through the district, towards the Underground, all the way out, in the disputed territory. Somewhere along the lines, Rei and the guide stopped, defeating one of the White Worms who reported directly to the head.

They found an abandoned temple looking rather run down yet still standing. As they walked up to it, they got attacked by someone, the main target being Ohma. Damn it, not again, Kisara thought, realising that her husband was always the prime target for everyone in the world. Gaoh Mukaku was glaring at them, holding a meat cleaver and claiming they were Worms. Thankfully, Koga ended up explaining everything. "Wait, you mean you're not Worms?! You should've said so sooner!" "You jumped us before we could even say anything!!! What the fuck were we supposed to do, you old coot?!" speak about a short-temper, Koga. Was it the youth? Nah, Retsu was calm. Maybe a fire sign? "Are you sure this is our guy?" Himuro sweat dropped at the childishness of the old man. "Yeah... No doubt about it. This old man is Gaoh Mukaku." Retsudo's voice was low, sending a tremor down Kisara's spine. This Mukaku was creeping her out. "That's MR. Mukaku to you, whipper-snapper!" Mukaku growled at him. "Is that really him? Are we so sure that this isn't Okubo's grandpa?" Koga glared at the old man. "Who's this Okubo? And that sounds like a slight against this Okubo fella if I ever heard one." Mukaku glared back at the child. "Well, sorry for stopping by unannounced. See, we're here in the Inside looking for Ryuki." Ohma finally attracted the conversation in the right direction. "Ohh, you're friends of Ryuki's? Well, Ryuki was here. I can tell you that much. He dropped by here about a week ago. I've got a couple Safehouses in the Inside, so I reckon he had a tough time tracking me down." Mukaku explained. "Is Ryuki still here?" Ohma asked straight forward. "Nope, he ain't here no more. You just missed him." Kisara didn't believe a word he was saying. "Do you have any ideas of where Ryuki might've gone?" Retsu asked.

"You wouldn't happen to be Metsudo's grandson, would you?" Mukaku was trying to divert the conversation again. "I'm his youngest son. We need to take Ryuki into our protection as soon as possible." Retsu tried to return to the point. "Ohh, you're Metsudo's son, no wonder I saw the resemblance." he stroke his beard, only for his eyes to bulge and start screaming. "Wait, SON?! What kind of stallion IS he?!" Kisara groaned, slapping a hand over her face. "DON'T FUCKING CHANGE THE SUBJECT!" Koga yelled at him, frustrated with his senile behaviour. "Hmm... Take him into your protection, eh? Well, he doesn't need any of that. I've trained him real good." he sat down, lighting up a pipe to smoke. "Are you crazy?! The Worm's not messing around here!" Koga yelled again at him. "Oh, I know. Ryuki and I have been hard at work, exterminating the Work. I let Ryuki fight in the Kengan matches just so the Worm could find him. Ryuki is indispensable to the Worm, so I reckoned they'd send their top men after him. See - Ryuki's a clone of this So-Called Connector that the Worm Worships." Kisara felt the blood freeze in her veins, and she turned her head to look at her husband. She couldn't see the resemblance though. Was she just awful with faces? It wasn't wrong, she could never tell apart family members based on their common features.

Kisara felt a little lost in her own mind again - She was zoning out a little, thinking of what Mukaku might know that could make her piece together some lost puzzle pieces. He knows of the Connector - Does he know him personally? And if yes, could it be possible to know any of her past incarnations? Gah, she can't believe she fell so deep into this ridiculous theory that she doesn't even believe in. That man messed with her mind big time. Rei said he took out a White Worm - If the officer was here, could the Big Boss be here, also?

Mukaku began a story of his youth, from many decades ago when he got in the Inside and took some students in to teach and conquer the place. Though he took a whole crowd of students, only seven of them could keep up - The Seven Nikos. He also confirmed everyone's inkling that the Inside was created by the Worm - The Inside was a huge ass Gu Ritual chamber, like what Agito had to go through, poor man. Kisara couldn't help but shudder, imagining going through that at such a frail age.

The Seven Nikos, however, began killing each other in the forest where they took a trip, until only two remained - Four, which was Ohma's Master, and Six, the Other Tokita Niko who taught Setsuna. Five and Six claim to had recently defected to the Worm, hence why they betrayed Mukaku - But who knows how true is that, really? Six used Five as an experiment anyway, so he was very much dead to this day. Mukaku continued to go around the country, destroying Worm Bases, until he found baby Ryuki, whom he adopted - Though he claims he didn't know he was the Connector's clone at the time.

With the story over, everyone went outside. Himuro and Ohma were discussing the story while Koga and Mukaku were chopping wood. Kisara stepped over to Retsudo, making a sneaky little plan, involving calling out Mukaku's veritable lies. At some point, Himuro got a got and left. When they were done, they walked over to the old man. "Ryuki has just been taken into our custody." Retsudo said with a straight face. Nothing ever betrayed his emotions. The shock of such a notion tricked Mukaku into turning his head in a direction - The direction where he was keeping Ryuki captive, no doubt. "You haven't killed him yet, I see." caught in his own lie. "His response just confirmed it, Ryuki's still somewhere on the premises, isn't he?" "I said he ain't HERE no more." the old man scoffed in annoyance. "Give it up, old man. It's too late." Ohma warned him. "Wh-What the hell are they talking about, gramps?! Is Ryuki really here?!" Koga screamed at him in disbelief. "I had my doubts about you, all along. From the moment you attacked Ohma, I had my doubts about you. I thought you attacked him because you mistook him for the Connector - But you didn't, did you? You tried to kill Ohma because you mistook him for Ryuki." Retsudo called him out. "Pesky little bugger. I knew I should've killed you when I had the chance." Mukaku growled menacingly. "Where is Ryuki? Tell us now." Ohma spoke sternly. "I don't know." he shrugged, sitting on a log. "But you do, don't you, you filthy Worm?" Kisara smiled enigmatically. "Yes, look at me. Get a good look at me. You know me too, don't you? The Connector told me all about you. Ah - Or, maybe I should say - Shen told me about you?" the aggressive look in his face as she provoked him made her feel small and terrified, but she masked it well enough. "You have no idea how much I want to see your pretty face contorted with fear and agony as you die in that fucker's arms. Over and over again. I get off on that every time I remember." Kisara felt a shudder down her spine, and she stepped backwards, behind Ohma. Retsudo saved her from Mukaku's wrath, telling the story of the Gaoh Style hoax, and that Gaoh Mukaku actually never existed, but that he was a Remnant of Wowang - The last of the five of the Syndicate to keep alive. Mukaku accepted that he was found out eventually, but wouldn't tell them where Ryuki was. Instead, he got up, stepping menacingly towards them. "I don't think you'd want to fight us, Mukaku. It doesn't matter whether you're a Worm or not. Shen is here, looking for Ryuki as much as we do. And you know what? If he finds out you've cause me any harm, well - It won't end up well for you, will it?" Kisara tried to threaten him, hoping he'd be afraid - He wasn't. He smirked instead. Shit, she only made things worse. He took a weird stance, and so did Retsu and Ohma. "I don't think your words are going to scare him, Kisara. Stay back." Retsu warned her as him and Ohma cautiously took their own stances - Only for Koga to lunge headfirst like a dumbass. Lucky him, Ohma saved him before getting fatally struck by a demon wheel, whilst Retsu went on ahead, slashing away quickly with his knife, but it didn't work. With his Adamantine Kata, Mukaku threw an Ironbreaker punch towards Metsudo's son; Ohma was there to shield him with Indestructible, but the two got thrown away. It was only Kisara left standing.

"Oh shit." she wasn't sure what to do - If Ohma couldn't fight him, she had not even the slightest chance of touching him. Running, though, as good as it sounded... Where could she go? Back to the Underground, maybe? "You're not afraid of Shen, are you?" she sweatdropped, hoping to stall him. For a single second, she actually prayed for the Connector to come over and beat him to death for threatening her like this. "Afraid of him? Ha! I'm gonna rip him to shreds! But before I do that, I'm gonna kill you in front of him - His face watching you die is otherworldly! It's the sweetest revenge I've got!" he lunged at her, making Kisara squeak, terrified, and duck under his arm to run around and evade his hits. To think she'd use her dancing agility and flexibility to learn Wushu moves and save herself from a fucking behemoth. Insane. Absolutely insane.

She should have remained in her bed.

"Stop dancing around, Princess, it ain't gonna save you. I know your tricks - I've already seen you die four times in my life!" Kisara turned to look at him in shock - Four times? How old is he? And not only that, how young was she that she died and was reborn four fucking times? "Hey, I know I'm pretty, but I don't wanna die young, okay? Gimme a break!" she yelped as she got caught by the end of her swishing long hair, and with a rough tug, Mukaku grabbed her and slammed her into the ground so hard that she thought her spine shattered to dust. Dust to Dust. Pulvis et Pulvis. From the dirt we are born, and to the dirt we return. Fuck this. "You're just a woman. No matter how strong you are, you can't compare to me. Not even Shen Wulong could save you." as Kisara was struggling to breath through the pain, forcing her vision to unblur, she saw the outline of a fist coming down hard, aiming at her solar plexus. Despite the vertigo, she quickly rolled over and snatched her hair pin, using it as a small dagger which she slammed into his face, slashing it diagonally, blood splashing around - Though he didn't seem phased, the accessory was in shambles on the ground, drowning in her blood.

"I don't need Shen Wulong to save me! I only need Ohma! Fuck off away from me, you psycho! I've got nothing to do with any of this!" she managed to evade and run back to the group, stumbling over her feet and coughing blood in her palms. "Kisara, go with Retsudo. I'll hold him off for you." with a shared look between the two lovers, Kisara begrudgingly agreed and ran with Retsudo and Koga in the direction indicated by Himuro who had contacted them. "Well, at least he said The Connector's name. If that is even it." Kisara muttered, still in pain.

They arrived at Himuro's location, at a small storehouse - Ryuki must be in the conspicuous cellar. As soon as they opened the doors and went down the stairs, the horrible stench of rot, death and decay made them all feel nauseous to hell. "What's that stench...?" Retsudo growled. "It's a deeply ingrained smell of rot. I doubt this was recent." Himuro noted. "I pity Ryuki if he's really here, having to endure this." Kisara hissed in disgust. "I think I'm gonna throw up." Koga almost hurled, but a single look up, and he saw his friend, shackled up and barely conscious. "You're kidding, right? Does that mean this smell is..." with the fire from the lighter, they saw countless bones, as if the whole cellar was made out of cadavers. Awful.

As Kisara checked for Ryuki's vitals, Mukaku led Ohma to the cellar, promising not to attack again. He affirmed that he was a member of the Wowang Syndicate, and it originated from the Worm. Wowang's leader, Dage, was an aide to the Head of the Worm. Dage went independent from the Worm on the Head's orders and formed a commando unit called Wowang. With this happening over 80 years prior, well - The old man was surely over a century old. No wonder he claims to have seen her die so many times. Wowang's purpose was to crush any organization opposing the Worm, and they were so strong that the leader got the ambition of a King and wanted to crush the Head. He began plotting to get rid of the Head of the Worm, and the absolute ruler of the Worm - The Connector, Shen Wulong.

"So Shen Wulong is the original we were copied from?" Ohma asked. "I'm not sure. You and Ryuki are almost like twins, but... You saw Shen yourself, he doesn't look all that much like you guys. Though maybe that's because he's blond and keeping his hair tied." Kisara thought out loud. "Tell us more about that. Who is the Connector anyway, and why does the Worm follow him?" Retsudo asked the right questions. "Nobody knows how long he's been around." he continued speaking of an old tale about a safe living deep in the mountains of China since the age of myths. The locals believe him immortals, most likely because all of his descendants have taken the name of Shen Wulong. This sage presumably was mostly harmless and barely interacted with people, though on rare occasions, an 'Aberrant individual' emerged, he says. Around 1300 years ago, when the Connector declared war on the Worm, he defeated the then-Head and brought the Worm under his control. He then started a total war with the Wu clan, who were long-tine antagonists of the Worm. They say he beat them decisively. To think that the Worm and the Connector have been going for so many centuries insane - Nothing ever lasted this long.

"So did the Wu split up 1300 years ago because they lost to the Connector?" Ohma asked, pondering. "I don't know what he was thinking. He might've even thought he was bringing God's wrath on the people who annoyed him - So we began getting ready to kill a God." Mukaku continued to speak of an ace in the hole - The Advance, the Possessing Spirit, was based on this thing. They waited for the moment when the Connector was alone to ambush him in an alleyway, but with undeniable ease and grace, the Connector created an outright bloodbath. A one-sided massacre. He swatted down the Five Kings like flies. With Mukaku being the only survivor, he fled to Japan, changed his name and the whole things with the Nikos went on, and he even did Gu Rituals and what not.

"You knew Ryuki was a clone, didn't you? That's why you took him in." Kisara pointed out. "Yeah, of course. The current Shen Wulong is a clone of his predecessor. The Worm's been engaging in cloning research, in order to make a more perfect 'Connector'. I attacked a Worm cloning research facility and destroyed it. For whatever reason, most attempts to clone Shen Wulong ended in failure. There haven't been any new clones since I destroyed that facility. Which means that Ryuki is the last existing clone. Funny, right? They'll want Ryuki back at any cost. That's why I sent Ryuki to the Kengan Association and had him announce his location to them. Thanks to him, I can kill Shen Wulong this time around! He's made the perfect bait!" though Mukaku was smug, it was Kisara's turn to laugh at him mockingly, all while Koga was so angry that he was trying to punch the old man.

"You? Beat Shen? Ha! Prostrating King, you say - You're nothing but an old man who wants revenge, that's what you are. Shen's going to swipe the floor with you. Oh - Maybe it is that you get off on being beaten up by him, huh? Is that it?" she taunted him - He deserved it after the pain he caused her. "You little shit..." the man growled, glaring down at her. Ohma had to hold Koga back before he'd overheat from intense rage and bust his fists again. "Grandpa... You... Were you just using me...?" Ryuki's betrayed voice made Kisara's heart weep. "Huh? Why else would I keep you around?" the disgust and indifference in his voice earned him a punch in the face from Kisara, who went then to boy to hold him in her arms as if he was her child. "The only reason you're still alive today is 'cause you're the clone of the Connector. That piece of shit wants you back no matter what. Then again, I find it hard to believe - How can a weakling like you be one of his clones, huh? What a failure the last clone turned out to be."

"Look at yourself. You've been alive for a century and still can't get anywhere near Shen's level. Pathetic." Kisara hissed at him harshly. "I understand. You're not my grandpa anymore." Ryuki spoke, defeated, feeling the woman's arms holding him in warm and loving embrace like he's never experienced in his entire life. As they helped the boy get out of the cellar, Ryuki told them how his grandpa punched him out of nowhere, imprisoning him in hopes of re-educating him. What a mad man. As they were discussing about what happened, Ohma spoke about wanting to get the hell away from that god-awful place. Though he's seen plenty of strong people, his power was unfathomable and he doesn't want anything to do with him ever again. "Oh, wait - Can you wait a second? I hair pin - It fell to the ground back at the temple. Do you mind if I go quickly to retrieve it?" Kisara stopped abruptly in her tracks. "Are you sure? You can get another. It's dangerous around that bastard." Ohma warned her, though he could see the conflict in her eyes. "You're not returning for the pin, are you?" "I have a weird feeling in my gut. Does that make sense?" Ohma sighed, nodding his head. "Alright, fine. We'll wait here, but don't take long. If you're not back in 10, I'm coming over for you." Kisara grinned, kissing his cheek. "I'll back before 10."

----

If only they knew that just as they were escaping, none other than Shen Wulong visited this damn fraud, looking as calm as ever. "Gaoh Mukaku. I want you to give 'Me' back." Shen ordered leisurely. "You nitwit, you're too late. I got rid of your clone a long time ago. My condolences!" Mukaku cackled at him tauntingly. "You're lying." Shen affirmed. "That's not the kind of man you were in my memories. You wouldn't get rid of a bargaining chip for no reason. You'd use any means at your disposal to survive. I remember you well. You used your comrades as shields just so you'd survive. I'm somewhat impressed by how attached to life you are."

"Haha, guess you really love me, huh? But now I'm just the fraud founder of a phony martial art. But what's wrong with being a fraud? I don't give a damn who I am, as long as I can kill you!" Mukaku laughed, bumping the ends of his arm guards. "Is that so?" Shen sighed, crouching to the ground and picking up the broken hair accessory from the ground. The ornaments on it were scattered in the blood, but it was nothing that couldn't be repaired. Though he wasn't one to get emotional, Shen felt rather pissed off. "You're going to die." he said, comparing himself to the immune system of a single large organism. "I can hear the earth telling me to eliminate you."

Mukaku thought he slashed in two at the Connector, he missed entirely without him even moving at all. He tried multiple tricks, activating booby traps planted throughout the temple, using swift assassination methods, but Shen threw him of with the flick of a single finger. "You're strong, I admit. I assume only a handful of the people close to me would be able to beat you." Mukaku hid inside the temple. "Hey, I haven't finished complimenting you yet. The first backhand punch was a good move. You drew my attention to your gauntlets while throwing iron pellets at me, and those were pretty powerful. They could kill a man if they landed right." he said nonchalantly, not bothering to move an inch. "Splintering the wall to blind me was a good move, too. Personally, I would've thrown in a few iron pellets in the splinters - If they landed, that's a few free hits." Mukaku was angry beyond belief. "You pretended you'd face me with martial arts only to use hidden weapons, duck and hide, sneak around and scheme. You were prepared for me, weren't you? I admire your tenacity."

Through the thin wall of the temple, Mukaku tried to impale Shen with a lance - The tip of it, of course, was pinched easily between his fingers. "Very meticulous. You should be long past your physical prime by now. I assume you're doping to make up for your declining muscles and reflexes, aren't you? It's a miracle that you're alive at your age." he spoke simply. "But that is one fortune that Ruyi was never blessed with." Mukaku could feel his heart stop in fear. He fucked up. "No, no, don't worry, it's not just for today, but for every time you hurt her, that I'm going to enjoy playing with you." Mukaku was unable to say a single thing, watching how easy it was for the Connector to pinch the blade away. "Ah, just so we're clear, I don't have Superman Syndrome. This isn't about power, it's about technique. One second thought, maybe even that's not the right word either. Principles? Yeah sounds right - All I'm doing is holding down the point of the force - Anyone can do that if they know how it works. No, wait, maybe Ruyi couldn't. I wouldn't want her to cut her delicate hands. She always gets papercuts." he hummed out of nowhere, as the long handle of the spear broke, and he smirked. "I'm so angry that I want to play with you a bit longer. I'll give you the chance to kill me."

He's just getting more and more dangerous, Mukaku realised, freaking out - What the hell kind of monster is he anyway? "Hmm, will this do?" Shen hummed, cracking his fingers. "I've relocated my tendons and suppressed my muscle power output. I also limited my joints' range of motions. I brought my neuro-transmission speed down to the lowest setting and shut down some of my brain's circuits." Shen smiled, ready to destroy the man before him. "I've come down to your level. Let me enjoy this moment. Don't die yet, okay?" with that, Shen punched Mukaku the hell away from him. Mukaku tried again to get up and attack, but was struck down with a simple arm sweep. "Too slow. Your body's awfully sluggish - You're almost not worth killing. Are these your senses in action? They must be a real handicap." Mukaku kicked a loose board from the ground, hitting Wulong in the chin and trying to beat him down into the ground with the Ironbreaker, only to get sent flying by the man who easily liberated himself. "Not bad, not bad at all, Mukaku." Shen smirked, wiping the blood off his face. "You wanna have another go? Or should I end this already?" he dug his hands in his pockets once again. "Hmm, I'm picking up an exceptional hatred from you - Shouldn't that be the other way around? I know what you've done today. But choice, really." he hummed, not twitching a single muscle. "Maybe you hate my former self for killing your comrades in Wowang? But I thought they were just total strangers to you." "Before that. Dig a little deeper into you memories." Mukaku struggled to speak between his panting. "Hmmm~?" after a few seconds of deep thinking and pondering, Wulong finally gasped theatrically with a lightbulb realisation. "You're that boy!" Mukaku's vendetta against Shen Wulong started in China, about 85 years ago.

The Connector once had three groups under his command - The Worm, the Westward Faction and the Dragon Tribe, who were descendants of Long Min, the Hero of the Chu Kingdom in the Spring and Autumn period. They were friends, sharing the same name of the dragon, yet Shen Wulong felt betrayed. Long Yi disagreed with the Worm research involving the cloning - Though he didn't mind the Huisheng reincarnations. Cloning is a violation of the natural order, a heresy. Shen Wulong didn't want to kill his friend - All of the Dragon Tribe was already dead. Of course, the old friend wasn't going to retreat, that was the way of the general. He allowed Long Yi to attack while his back was turned, but just like the others, he fell dead, to the ground, with a single strike. In spite of his quick death, Long Yi managed to leave Wulong's first injury in years. The only man left standing was Long Xiu, a young warrior of 15 years old, who would later be known as Gaoh Mukaku. Long Xiu was Long Yi's grandson. It was then that the current Shen Wulong realised that the Wowang Syndicate conspired against him, all instigated by Mukaku.

"Yi was a good man, but he made one mistake - He didn't kill a bastard like you." Mukaku attacked him with the Long clan secret technique, Dragon's Maw Fist, but of course, it did nothing. "Awe, man, you're a real two-timer." "Oh shut up, fuck-wit!! I'd turn to the Gods and the Demons if they'd help me kill you!!" Mukaku growled at him. "Aaaaand you've lost me. I've had enough of this." Shen rolled his eyes, bored out of his mind with his repetitive antics. All of a sudden, a rustle was heard, and a few soft footsteps followed. "Hey, psycho geezer, did you steal my pin? I know I used it to slash your face, but - You've gotta hand it to me, it's your fault you attacked me! I just defended myself! ... My spine still hurts like hell though. If I need spine surgery because of you, I'll sue you for ten generations." Shen's eyes widened, and he turned his head to see the beautiful young woman struggling to step through the rubbles of the destroyed temple. As soon as she rose her head to look for the old man, she saw not only him, but Shen also - The shock and fright were evident on her face, and she looked like a deer surrounded by predators. "I... Should not have returned. I, uh... I-... I'll leave. Bye!" panicked, she tried to leave the temple immediately - She was, thankfully, just at the entrance, though even there, she unknowingly stepped on a trap that would be slashed her to fish-bite pieces, were it not for a strong force tackling her to the ground. "Sh-Shen...?" she gulped, feeling his strong arms keeping her safe and shielded from danger. Looking up, she saw the overly sharp piano wires that would have easily cut her in pieces as if she was a Happy Tree Friends character. "Oh my god, you psycho, what the hell is this?! You almost killed me - Again!" her body's reaction was to spring away from Wulong's arms and run the hell away - But he didn't let her.

"I can't believe my bait returned willingly. You thought yourself smart, but you died a fucking dumbass each and every time. It's your fault you died, you know? And his, for not protecting you." Mukaku put on a gas mask and readied his sword. "I almost shattered your spine, and you return for a hair pin? Ha! You deserve to die, woman." Kisara squeaked in fear as Mukaku, with incredible swiftness, brought down the sword, ready to slash her and Shen where they stood - But somehow, defying the laws of physics was a regular thing for the Connector, who kept her safe, held by one arm to his chest, his hand placed over her mouth and nose as if to prevent her from breathing, while the other hand caught the blade. "Terrible decision, really." Shen glared at Mukaku. "Not even close." "Yeah, you're right - But this should do the trick!" Mukaku used Indestructible on the blade, cutting Wulong's hand into bleeding. "Shen - You're bleeding! Let go of the blade!" Kisara managed to speak through his fingers.

"Don't worry about me. Try to keep from breathing as much as you can. This cheap bastard flooded the room with Carbon Monoxide. It's just one thing after another." as instructed, Kisara picked up the handkerchief from her sleeve and pressed it to his face to help him with the breathing."Very kind of you - But I'm fine. I don't need to breathe. Use it for yourself, Ruyi." Shen told Mukaku that the man who killed his clan was his previous iteration, and some illogical shit about stopping the breathing process, to slow the aging process. He then easily got up, throwing away the sword and kicking him in the face. "Did you seriously think you could outdo us? How asinine." Shen used the sword to impale Mukaku's shoulder. "Running away? You don't have that privilege anymore. I told you - I've grown tired of you." "Are you sure you wanna kill me?! If I die, Ryuki dies too! I'm the only one who knows where he is! Are you just gonna let yourself die?!" Mukaku spat, desperate to live. "Ryuki's safe with us! Stop lying, you jerk!" Kisara soon started coughing - The Monoxide was beginning to take effect. "How come you're so obsessed over Ryuki anyway?! Ain't Tokita Ohma one of your clones too?! Why does it gotta be Ryuki?!" Mukaku was, no doubt, trying to prolong his suffering. "Hey, don't you dare bring my husband into this! He already died once, I don't need you getting him in another situation, you bastard!" Kisara hissed at him. "Besides - Don't act as if you ever cared for Ryuki! You're just an evil man. A traitor." "Oh man. Yan's gonna give me hell for everything I've done lately. Well - You're gonna be dead anyway, so there's no harm in telling you!" Shen sighed in realisation. "W-Wait! Don't say it! I don't want to die because of his curiosity!" the woman stepped backwards, gulping slightly. "...Don't worry. I don't think you'd get it, even if I told you." he smiled condescendingly down at Mukaku. "Tokita Ohma... Is not me." "HUH?!" Mukaku was on the ground, bleeding heavily. "Wait, hold the GODDAMN PHONE! What the hell are you talking about?! You can't expect me to believe that bullshit! I mean - Have you seen the guy?! He's the spitting image of Ryu...?!" Gaoh gasped loudly, as Shen was vibing with a dark, killing aura. "Yeah, I think you've figured it out by now." with an effortless swing of his wrist, Shen snapped Mukaku into pieces. "So die." Kisara had to jump back behind Shen, so all the blood wouldn't splatter on her. "Three times. You're the first person who's made three attempts on my life, and on Ruyi's. Looks like third time wasn't the charm, after all."

Shen turned around, throwing away the blade, looking down at the woman who looked uncomfortable and outright fearing him. "Ruyi." he called out, before quickly correcting himself. "No, sorry - You're called Kisara now, right? Kisara. I won't mistake it again." he gently put a finger under her chin, raising it up to make her look at him. "What do you see?" Though he could see the fear in her eyes, there was also deep confusion, and he couldn't blame her. There were far too many things to find out, in a single day, out of which few made sense. "I still don't think you look like Ohma at all." the comment earned a small huff of amusement from him. "So... Are you going to kill me, now that I know your secret about Ohma?" Shen didn't say anything - Instead, he retriever the pin from his pocket, along with all the broken accessories. "Did it save you?" Though Kisara had no idea why he'd change the subject like that, she nodded nonetheless. "Yeah. I... I used your name to get a rise out of him, hoping he'd tell us where Ryuki was without a fight. But, uhm... He threatened to use me as bait and kill me in front of you. For the... Fifth time, he said. Or, uh... Maybe he just meant he knew I died four times during his life. I'm not sure. He was weird." he uncomfortably scratched the back of her neck. "I was weak. I couldn't evade his attacks and he grabbed me. Slammed be to the ground, tried to punch my guts out. Before he could though, I slashed away at his face and ran away." she hung her head down, feeling guilty looking at the beautiful yet broken accessory. "I'm sorry. I know it must have meant a lot for you, and I broke it." "A pin isn't worth more than your life, silly girl." he spoke with an amused tone. "I'll just get it repaired and return it. It's yours, not mine."

"But, Shen - It means nothing to me. Ruyi means nothing to me. Maybe you believe that it's my reincarnation, in the real sense, not the Huisheng sense - But even so, you're the only one who knows of Ruyi, and... All my supposed past selves." she explained softly. "That could be solved. I remember every incarnation you had - Or at least those who managed to live past a certain age. Unfortunately, there weren't all that many." Kisara looked down, feeling a weird pang of pain in her chest. "I have to go, Shen. I'm sorry." she looked into his eyes. "I will accept the pin, if you want me to have it... And I'll keep the secret to myself, even though I didn't understand it at all. I don't want to die, but more than that, I don't want Ohma, nor my friends to die." she sighed, extending her hand towards him. "But Shen - I am married. And I love Ohma more than I love life itself." Instead of looking or even emanating anger or any negative emotion, Shen smiled, placing the pin in her hand, closing it for her. "As long as you're happy."

A loud gasp of complete and utter shock resounded through the desolated temple, and a man who looked similar, but much prettier than Xia Ji was looking at the two with huge eyes. Realising he was someone strong and important to the Worm, Kisara instinctively tried to step away, only for her back to his Shen's.

"What's wrong, Yan? Cat got your tongue?" Shen asked, oblivious. "Oh, come on, gimme a break! How'd you get injured?!" this Yan crumbled to the ground, having a mental crisis. "Something weighing you down?" Shen asked, even more confused. "You are, you moron." Yan groaned pitifully. "U-Uhm... Mr. Yan?" Kisara spoke in a mousy voice. "Shen got injured because of me. Forgive me." she crouched to his level, putting a gentle hand on his arm and helping him up. "After all the shit he's pulled over the years, this is how he ends up. Pathetic." that man, the Other Tokita Niko, gruffed at Mukaku's corpse. "Oh no, what have you done?! What's with her?!" Yan's overreaction made her step back away from him again. "Uhm... I-I think I should get going." she stole a look at the Connector, seeking permission to get the hell away from there. "Yeah, sure. Take care." Kisara didn't need another word, she was already rushing away - Only for a man looking around her age or younger, with the obvious Kure eyes, blocked her exit, towering over her. A lankier man, just like him, trailed just behind. "Gilbert, what crawled up Yan's ass and died?" so this was Gilbert Wu. Kisara felt surrounded by what seemed to be the whole Small Council of the Connector, as if she was in Game of Thrones or something. She looked at Shen again, waiting for him to give the signal for Gilbert to step away from the exit so she could bolt off. "Ah, yeah - I know this really good jeweller for that pin. He should repair it in a week or so." "Lovely!" Kisara forced a smile. "I, uh -- See ya!" she bolted the hell away.

Thankfully, on the way back, she met Ohma who was already rushing her way. "No questions. Let's run the hell away. I'll tell you when we get out of the Inside. My brain is imploding." Ohma blinked, perplex, but questioned nothing. "Fine. Let's go."

Thankfully, they managed to get the hell away from this awful place, and while Retsu and Himuro took care of Ryuki, while Ohma, Kisara and Koga went to the manager's office. Here, they were greeted with open arms, and great news on TV - The Kengan Anti-Worm Alliance was going splendidly, and most of them, even the officers, were either killed or detained. The Worm Purge was going quickly.

"Wait, is it over then?" Koga gasped, looking at the TV. "It's not." the woman gulped. "The Connector is alive. His subordinates are alive. The Other Tokita Niko is alive. Gilbert Wu is alive." she bit her lip hard. "Ohma, you said Gaoh Mukaku was a monster. The Monster is Shen Wulong. He toyed with Mukaku like he was a ragdoll. He outright destroyed him." "You met the Connector again?" Kisara nodded. "I don't know how I'm still alive, but by the Gods alive, there's nothing scarier than being surrounded by those guys." finally, she could sit down - Her legs felt like giving out. "We've got a lot of problems on our side - And, Ohma - Shen said something weird. I don't quite get the implication, but... He said... You are not HIS clone, but Ryuki is." "Wait, but Ohma and Ryuki look the same, don't they?" Ohma, Kisara, Koga, Yamashita, Kaede and Rin all looked at each other with wide, scared eyes.

Is there more than one Connector out there?!

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polarurchin · 2 years

Text

Send “lethal protection” to have my muse kill someone in order to protect your muse

Send “the dead can’t hurt you” for your muse to kill someone in order to protect my muse

@afailedkingsheart asked: the dead can’t hurt you

There was only so much he could do backed into a corner like this with no means of getting to his crew. Law while he was the biggest failsafe the crew counted on time and time again, could not always be there to save them when his hands were tied.

His skills would only keep them at bay for so long before they would grab him again and-

He hoped to a god he hadn’t believed in since he was born that they wouldn’t, not again.

But maybe he wouldn’t have to endure that torture again, be forced to relive old traumas through newer, callous hands. Heads rose up curiously towards the back of the mob, their gazes seemed transfixed on something. What was it? Wait, was that an explosion?

Why couldn’t he hear anything then, and since when did it get so hazy? It was almost like it was coming from- Could it be?

A spark of hope was ignited then and with that second wind came Uni’s chance to fight back. Having only his martial arts to rely on with his primary weapon taken from him, Uni began to fight like the fury of hell was on his back. This unexpected outburst combined with trouble coming in close inevitable lead to a clearing and moments later, Uni felt his back come in contact with someone. Instead of flinching away from this touch, he seemed to melt ever so slightly.

Help had arrived.

#afailedkingsheart #:Interrogate The Urchin: Asks #Heart Dad to the rescue!#Love to see it!

0 notes

gisachi · 3 years

Note

Hi ^^ I know that your requests are now closed but I was thinking that, given you have written jealous Shinichi, I would very much enjoy some jealous Ran! Maybe you can mix it with one of the prompts? Just throwing the idea out there, no pressure. Delete this if you don't feel like it, it's okay really. Thank you for writing these amazing fics, the shinran fandom is in your debt. ❤️

So this is the last (!!!) and longest (!!!) of the kiss prompts, and I dedicate it to multiple-requests Anon and to this Anon. I hope both of you still see this. It took me a while. ^^;;

P.S. Special thanks to @artycreaty for keeping this in check. You are awesome. 🥰

41. Kisses shared under an umbrella. 46. A lingering kiss before a long trip apart. (6,489 words)

Ran keeps telling herself she has no right to be jealous.

She has hundreds of reasons not to. They’re merely childhood best friends. Life would be much easier if she didn’t involve herself in his business twenty-four seven. Shinichi absolutely doesn’t look at her that way. And so forth.

She wonders why they’re even friends in the first place. If their parents hadn’t enrolled them in the same kindergarten, she was certain they wouldn’t even be on speaking terms. He lives in a world of grisly books and crimes, she in a world of martial and visual arts. Their hobbies don’t overlap. They excel in different fields. They enter the same university with completely unrelated majors. The only bond they have in common is their shared history. Literally bonded since they were four, until now at nineteen.

So when she sees him all jolly around his newfound circle who hold the same interest in Holmes or detective work, it shouldn’t surprise her as much. It’s part of university life, it’s normal, they expand their horizons, and Ran understands that it hits much differently when they bond with people who like the same stuff they do. Something she’s aware they cannot share a hundred percent.

She’s proud of him, and she absolutely has no right to feel jealous, especially when she sees him around taller, prettier, more interesting women from his course block. There is no reason for her to look away with a heavy weight in her chest everytime the women get giggly and touchy while he’s absorbed in narrating his stories.

Everytime she does, she reminds herself of how he didn’t seem to mind when she was casted as the protagonist of their high school play and the leading man was the handsome Araide-sensei. Or how he simply shrugged when she fawned over the brother of a classmate because he looked so much like the karate senpai she was crushing on. Or when she secretly caught Sonoko dragging the detective behind gym after P.E. to confront him about his opinion regarding an upperclassman courting Ran and his only response was, ‘She can like whoever she likes, Sonoko. I’m not her boyfriend.’

He never showed her any sign of jealousy, therefore he must not be into her. Simple as that. So it’s unfair for her to be treating him differently. Getting snarky just because he received sixteen new fan mails again, more now that they’re in uni, and two even coming from the popular criminology seniors he is often teased to? Or ignoring him unprecedentedly just because his eyes followed the back of a woman with long chestnut hair and voluptuous curves? There are plenty of fish in the sea, and he’s bound to be attracted to someone else. This is a pill she ought to learn to swallow eventually.

Eventually.

“Shinichi-kun, you never told us about your scariest case yet, tell us about it?”

Kaori closes her notes and so do the other two girls across her, and Shinichi’s eyes twinkle. He truly seems to enjoy study sessions with the little group they made consisting of some of his and Ran’s coursemates because they love listening to his stories.

“At the top of my head is this murderer disguised as a bandaged man, and he targeted us one by one…” and so the detective drones. Ran pauses typing and reminisces quietly. Ah, that one from summer three years ago. I was almost injured by that crazy man during my sleep but Shinichi woke me up in time.

“Ran-san,” Shun, her friend and coursemate, mutters beside her, also stopping his typing to listen to the detective’s story. “It’s ridiculous how popular Kudou-kun is with the girls. He’s full of wild adventures.”

“Yes, he is,” Ran says, smiling. “He’s been a girl magnet ever since high school.”

She watches as Kaori inches closer to Shinichi, listening attentively, chin on her palm and flirtatious smile on her lips as the detective rants on and on.

For the third time that afternoon, Ran looks away.

Ran keeps telling herself she has no right to be jealous.

She does, everyday, but it’s hard when he smiles at her, cares for her, holds her in a way she’s never seen him do for anyone else. It gives her hope every time the girls cling to him but he never touches them back, whereas he automatically slings his arm over her shoulder because she’s afraid or cold or he simply feels like it.

Then again, maybe she’s giving herself too much credit. Perhaps it’s a free pass for being around him for too long. She even gets to spend time with him during weekends and holidays. It isn’t special because it’s normal.

And that’s all she’ll ever be, a normal girl in his eyes.

“Ran? She’s pretty special.”

Ran reacts to the mention of her name and catches Shinichi looking at her. “She appears quiet but she can kick anyone’s ass without breaking a sweat. It’s bad if you cross her,” Shinichi gloats with a grin.

“Oh my god, really? We can bring her with us then!” Kaori claps her hands in excitement.

“Ah... But she won’t like that,” he follows up, wary. Ran has missed the topic they were talking about and now she’s curious.

“But ghosts aren’t real and Mouri-san can give them a good beating!”

“Gh-Ghosts?” The color in her cheeks drains, eyes freezing at Shinichi who has probably already expected that reaction, for he sports that same look of concern as those times he had expressed whenever she joined him in his way-past-bedtime elementary school adventures.

“We’ll investigate an abandoned house I always pass by walking home,” Kaori explains. “Last night I saw a faint cigarette light at the second floor window. It might be a fugitive or a homeless person or a ghost, who knows?”

“You don’t need to come if you don’t want to, Ran,” Shinichi assures.

Gulping, Ran contemplates whether going with them will do her any good. It’s a nice change, it’s been a while since she last tagged with Shinichi in his cases. But she isn’t exactly proud of shrieking like a little kid in front of serious criminology majors who may feel like she’ll drag their covert investigation down if she joins.

“...I’ll pass,” she answers meekly, and his coursemates sulk except Shinichi, who offers her a smile of understanding.

“Man, I thought we’ll be able to see Mouri-san in action!”

“That’s ok, maybe next time. We still have Shinichi-kun!”

“Shinichi-kun will protect us, ne?”

“Hah. Right. Invite Hakuba too, use him.”

“Oh c’mooon, Shinichi-kun!”

Ran closes her eyes, struggling to zone their voices out.

In her silence, Ran ponders if she has made a wrong choice.

Ran has no right to be jealous. So it’s unfair for her to be treating him this way.

The following weekend, Shinichi narrates what happened in their late-night investigation. Hakuba wasn’t there so Shinichi was the only available guy as usual. Ran refuses to hear any more details, both of the haunted house and secretly of the girls chancing onto him during the investigation. Shinichi is puzzled.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Nah, just swamped with work.”

“On a Sunday?”

“Yes.”

“Want me to assist?”

“No.”

Her replies are curt from the couch of his house, not looking at Shinichi on the other end as she mindlessly cleans up her digital sketches. She hates how snappy she sounds but her brain is too absorbed with conjuring spiteful imaginations to even think of masking her annoyance.

“Ran, hey. Look at me.”

His low voice freezes her from drawing, and she slowly looks up to meet Shinichi’s serious eyes.

When this happens, she knows he’s reading her. She inwardly chants a prayer because now isn’t a good time. Whatever time isn’t a good time. She doesn’t know what to say when she’s aware everything she’s been feeling is irrational and unfair. She’s being selfish.

“You’re… stressed.”

“No, I’m… Eh?”

He scoots closer, an arm’s length away. “Your dark circles are more prominent now, you need a break.” His eyes turn a soft blue. “Let’s have dinner out? My treat.”

Ran is surprised, to say the least. The last time he invited her out was two weeks ago. She’s become so used to seeing him around others that any initiative from him sounds too good to be true.

“But I need to finish this project by tonight.”

“Let’s have food delivery then!” Shinichi announces, not rattled by Ran’s indirect refusal. “I know exactly what you want. Ramen and shaved ice.”

Her eyes thin at the absurdly goofy expression she knows he makes when he’s being mischievous. “Clearly you’re ordering that ramen for yourself. I only like shaved ice.”

“Damn! Miss Detective gets it.” A mile-wide grin stretches across his face, earning an eye roll from the half-smiling woman. “Let’s eat together on your short break, please?”

He leans within a respectful distance and she sees his smile better, pair of kind eyes locking with her overworked ones. “It’s been a while.”

Her heart throbs for him. So much.

She caves - of course she does - and breathes her acquiescence.

After two long weeks, they have dinner together, just them and Shinichi’s ramen and Ran’s donburi and shaved ice, Shinichi taking a spoonful of dessert from the cup when she isn’t looking and Ran snatching a slurp from his take-out bowl and laughing when he catches her.

With how heartfelt his laughter is in her presence devoid of any mysteries, Ran knows she’s probably giving herself too much credit, but for once she wants to believe she is the cause of why Shinichi’s happy.

Just for that night, she gives it to herself.

She’ll change the dark colors of her digital artwork to brighter ones after they eat.

Despite everything, Ran finds it difficult to contain her recurring jealousy.

The more she shares precious time with him, the more it gets harder to suppress the selfish emotions. What is so unsatisfying about being the best friend is that she is only the best friend. No more no less. At the end of the day, she isn’t the one he gets to cuddle with, to tease then kiss, to tell ‘I love you’ to, romantically.

“I love you.”

Ran feels her heart about to leap out of her chest.

“But please. Stop. Tearing. The. Cushions!”

The little furball he has scooped underneath a throw pillow wiggle from his grasp. The kitten and detective engage in a brief staring showdown before it jumps away to hide under a farther couch.

Snapping out of reverie, Ran watches her childhood friend slink dejectedly onto the partly scratched furniture. He’s fortunate enough that his mother isn’t around to give him a long lecture on Why Pets Aren’t Allowed in the House 101. She can always take Yukiko-san’s role and reprimand him for it, but as for this and the cat, she finds herself not wanting to intervene.

“Kaori-san sure is taking her time with her parent’s permission. By the time she does, Momo would’ve shredded all the pillows in this house.”

“You named the cat?” Ran asks, amused.

“She did.” He thinks for a moment, then sniggers. “Actually I did. I suggested a random name. She took it.”

Ran merely hums. What can she say? They’re getting close. Close enough to team up as parents to an adopted kitten.

“I’m surprised you also agreed to keep Momo when you never took in animals before.”

“Kaori said she’ll treat me to the latest Detective Samonji movie this weekend if I do. Can’t resist that.”

“Just you two?”

“Yeah.”

A beat. Then he turns to her.

“Wanna join? I can ask her to count you in since you’re kinda helpi—”

“N-no need,” Ran quips, “It’s—It’s fine.”

“No really,” Shinichi insists, “Kaori-san has a lot of money, she—”

“I’m going to Tokyo Metropolitan Art Museum with Shun-san this weekend... so... I can’t.”

“Ah.”

Silence.

“It’s, um, for a project,” she bolsters.

“I know.” The faintest smile graces his lips. “It’s your thing. Both of you.”

“Mm.”

He doesn’t say anything else after that.

“Shinichi, you’re a detective, right?” she blurts out of the blue.

“Yeah...and?”

Then deduce what I feel. Here and now.

“Then you’re going to enjoy that movie!” Ran forces a beam, giving Shinichi a thumb of approval. “And you can discuss it with Kaori-san over dinner. I’m sure you two have a lot to say about it.”

Shinichi’s eyes linger on her, reading her like a book, and Ran has her mind reeling again, afraid to be read.

“Yeah, we do,” he finally says, ending the conversation.

Only a few words are uttered the rest of the afternoon.

Momo resurfaces and curls beside Shinichi.

Momo’s purring is loud, but Ran’s shattering heart is louder.

Ran must not feel jealous. She is not a girlfriend.

Because she isn’t a girlfriend, he’s free to fall for and date anyone else. Who is she to gatekeep him? There are plenty of fish in the sea, and he’s one big catch. Ran believes she’s a big catch, too. With the way she loves dearly, her future boyfriend is going to be very lucky.

Her future boyfriend is not going to be him.

“...mber the required fieldwork in one of my majors I told you? We actually go by batches. The first batch did theirs last month. The second batch was last week… and I— Ran, are you listening?”

“Ah! Yes,” Ran notices they have already reached her station and are now walking two blocks to her apartment. “Your fieldwork, right?”

“...Yeah,” he carries on. “I’m in the last batch... This whole winter break.”

“I see, I understand.” She smiles, getting what he means. No Christmas or New Year’s Eve together. The first time since they’re four. It’s fine, honestly. If it’s a required activity, then there’s really no way to go about it. She isn’t going to lash out just because she can’t be with him in her most favorite time of the year.

“And Hattori-kun and Hakuba-kun will be with you?”

“Hattori did his last month. Hakuba is in the previous batch. I’ll be stuck with the girls.”

Ran’s heart momentarily squeezes. “Where will your fieldwork be?”

“In Akita.”

Her pupils constrict. “That far?”

“Yes... so to cut on expenses, Kaori-san offered her house for me and the others to stay while we’re there—”

Kaori. Again with the tall, beautiful, intelligent Kaori. She bets it’s amazing to spend the holidays doing what he loves and with Kaori beside her, snuggling with him by the fireplace in a romantic snowy night and she might even confess, and it’ll be a great catch for Shinichi, and he’ll return with a girlfriend, and—

“Kaori-san is lucky.” The words flow out of her mouth, unbridled.

Shinichi looks at her. “Lucky?”

Ran remains quiet and keeps walking. It’s dangerous to say anything. She only has one thing in her mind and she doesn’t want to say it out loud. She has no right.

“Ran, hey.”

She doesn’t stop walking.

“Ran.”

She ignores his call.

“Ran… you’re jealous.”

She stops walking.

“Excuse me?”

“...You’re jealous…” Shinichi repeats quietly.

A contrast to his calm tone, his irises beset hers in the cold twilight and Ran attempts to shield herself but her bag and umbrella are in the way. She thinks of turning away but her feet are frigid like icicles, and Shinichi steps closer.

For the third time, he declares, “You’re jealous.”

Hearing her thoughts echo through his words renders her speechless.

It seems to take a moment before Shinichi’s brow arches, lips curl up as his eyes refuse to stray, and she hears a faint exhale even, like he’s exasperated, and suddenly he’s smiling - or is he smirking? sneering? - and...and...

It stings, is her immediate reaction.

For the longest time, she’d wanted him to take a hint. But if she had known this was how he’d react, she’d rather live a life having him oblivious of her emotional struggle. Dealing with that is more tolerable than witnessing him gaze her down in blatant mockery. He sneers as though he’s about to crack a joke and move on and forget such a laughable matter. That’s the last form of acknowledgment she wants for her honest feelings.

Heartbreak and shame and pain build up in her chest like a volcano closing eruption. Water begins to cloud her vision. She clenches her fist tight on her umbrella and Shinichi notices, and he takes another step forward.

“Ran…?”

“I am not, and you’re a fool.”

In a span of a breath, she’s sprinting in the opposite direction, tracing the path where they have walked, ignoring the distant yells of her name behind her. She runs and runs, and as she runs farther, with her thoughts muddy and breath short and dry, she wonders if she may have overreacted.

If he’s done that on purpose, screw him. If not, screw her.

After all, they are merely friends and she has no logical reason to act this way.

“Stop... running... will you!”

She hears heavy footsteps close in. It takes all the energy Ran has to prevent herself from turning her body around but his strong grip overpowers her.

“Let me go!”

“Why are you running?!”

“I can’t...deal with you!”

“Why? Was I right?”

“Right or wrong, it doesn’t matter!”

“Why doesn’t it matter?”

“Because I am your best friend!”

On another occasion, she would’ve successfully jilted away and run farther, but Ran is floored when he yanks her into a one-armed hug, so floored she drops her umbrella to the snowy ground.

“Stop saying that!” he hisses in her ear, frustration apparent.

“What are you— Let me go!”

He hugs her tighter.

“If you don’t let go in three seconds, I will screa—”

“I am happy!”

Ran stops struggling, eyes widening in shock.

Icy huffs tickle her neck as he half shouts, “I’m happy you feel that way!”

“You’re...You’re happy because I’m suffering?”

“What? No! I—”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? How?” The hurt in her tone is impeccable, prattling muffled against his chest as she spares him no moment to butt in. “You think I wanted to feel this? That I enjoy griping in helpless jealousy? And you’re rejoicing that I am? How full of yourself can you be?!”

“That’s not...You don’t underst—”

“I do understand! I understand that I am so incredibly stupid for catching this disgusting heap of emotions for an obnoxious, stuck-up deduction maniac that is my best friend and maybe it’s better after all that he never, ever sees me the way I see him!”

“Stop saying that, Ran!”

She thinks he has broken away, but he drags her back with an insistent tug, crashing his lips onto hers as she stumbles into his arms.

All willpower rippling through her disintegrates quickly like snow in high heat.

An impatient pop resonates as he separates, eyes slowly opening, breath thick and ragged.

“I know that is not how we explain things, but does that explain anything?”

She hears it. The madness. But more than madness, yearning bleeds through his voice so much that her frustration turns into physical pain. Blinded by an all-consuming ache, she tips her chin and presses her lips back against his, demanding for cure in the wrong place. Shinichi freezes, then relaxes. He moves his hand to her nape, four fingers in her hair, thumb treading her jaw.

They look like a scene in a movie.

Under his umbrella and hidden from view, they communicate through brushing lips and tilting heads. His mouth closing over hers with gentle force, her hands splaying across his chest, heavy with something that makes his heart pound under them.

She is so lost in the chase and his tender embrace that for a second she forgets she is kissing her best friend.

Best friend.

This doesn’t explain anything. It worsens it.

She pulls back, ending what she has so recklessly started. “N-no, I’m— No.”

She pushes him away, gathers the stuff she drops, and runs without looking back.

“Ran!”

He shouts her name. Twice.

On the third call, his footfalls die down. On the fourth, he stops running.

She doesn’t.

Thirty minutes before midnight, Ran stands outside his gate, boots buried half foot under the snow as she rings his intercom for the second time, thinking to herself how foolish she must be to cut communications with him for a week and then show up his doorstep looking miserable like a stood-up date.

It’s the start of winter break.

He’ll leave for Akita in ten hours.

She needs to give his Christmas present before his departure.

She’s crazy, pathetic, still frustrated, and hurtfully in love.

“Oi. You better have a good explanation for why you’re buzzing at goddamn midnig—”

“Shinichi.”

His surprised gasp is apparent even through the intercom. A rustle follows and with a croaky voice, he responds. “...Ran.”

Surely he isn’t expecting this. Not after the tantrum she threw days ago. He probably thinks she hates him more than ever. But what she truly feels is more overwhelming than all negative emotions combined, and may god grant her all the strength to address it all, tonight.

“May I come in?”

“The house is—The house is a mess I, um. I’m packing my stuff for...”

“I’ll help you.”

“...”

She’ll understand if he decides to turn her down. But the answer that follows the deafening pause is a low and quiet ‘Okay’.

Despite psyching herself hours before she came, courage wanes when he opens the front door and gate in his pullovers. She is welcomed in, and the trip up his room is wordless. Shinichi only talks when he points out that he’s already packed clothes for two days and will need help for two weeks’ worth. He lamely laughs when he instructs her to pick the tops and layers, and he’ll take care of the pants and underwear.

On a normal instance, she would’ve humored him and they would’ve been talking right after. Now she simply pulls an empty smile and then they fall back into silence.

She supposes he’s trying to act unbothered, to treat what happened a week ago as a one-and-done glitch in their friendship, never to be discussed again. She cannot fault him when she’s trying to do the same. But it’s not easy when in the stillness of the night the echo of their altercation howls, raging persistently in their ears.

What has he been thinking of for the past week?

Has he been kept up all night by the words she said and the words he left unspoken?

Are they still friends? Will they still be friends after this?

The kiss... What about the kiss?

So many questions. So little words. So little time.

Ran is seated on the floor, folding shirts and stuffing them neatly in his duffel bag. Her back faces Shinichi who is sorting out bottoms in his cabinet. She senses him sit on the floor, back against her but not touching. Neither dares to speak first.

A ringing phone cuts the silence.

“Mm, still awake. Good for two weeks right? Gotcha. No, I’ll meet you girls at the station, no need to fetch me. Pfft. I can walk. Ok, see you tomorrow.”

If Ran wasn’t so hyperaware of where she is and what she’s done, her mood would’ve shifted to the one she’d been trying to avoid. Now isn’t the time to think about that. Midnight sneaking out to go to his house is something she wouldn’t do even on good days. She scans her bag on the far couch, deliberately bringing a bigger one to hide his gift. Maybe she can just sneak it in his bag and leave once she’s done and he’ll discover it only when he’s prefectures away. Brown has always suited him, and he’ll definitely find the overcoat useful as spare protective gear.

That’s right. She always cares for him like this. She is his best friend first, and... and nothing second.

“Don’t just leave after putting your present in my bag. At this hour, I can’t let you walk home alone,” he says swiftly.

Ran’s eyes fly wide.

“How did you…”

He doesn’t say anything and continues with his business.

Again with the throat-drying silence.

Something in Ran’s gut compels her to speak, but she is surprised when he does first.

“I... I don’t like Kaori-san. If that’s what you’re thinking.”

Ran stiffens, pausing mid-motion from folding. “I’m not…”

He leans his back completely against her and she shudders, voice reverberating through her skin. “Ran, if you could just hear me out.”

Unable to talk and move, she does.

“Kaori-san and the rest... They know I love mysteries. They know I want to build my own private detective agency. They know my favorite Holmes’ story is The Sign of Four. They know how many crimes I solved in Tokyo. All the information about me which anyone can read from the internet and newspaper and from what I told them when they ask, they know. Ran, you know all that. All that and more.”

He angles his head to the ceiling as if he’s talking to someone there. Ran supports his weight, curling to her knees as she silently listens.

“You know of my first ever deduction because Christ, my first deduction was about you. You know of the two cases which haunt me until this day because I watched the culprit die in front of my very eyes. You were with me the nights I locked myself in here thinking about them. You know of the interesting, the boring, the absurd cases, everything, because I told you or you were there. You know of the odd way I play the violin while I ponder over a case. You know I forget to eat when swamped with new books to read. I have three copies of The Sign of Four but the one I keep beside my bed and read almost weekly is the one you gave me on my tenth birthday and that is all I need. You know me for me, Ran. Everything about me that is off the record, the good and the bad, you know all of those. Only you. The same way I do... about you.”

She feels him crane slightly to the side, addressing her.

“Ran.”

“Mm.”

“I love you.”

Ran’s heart almost completely stops beating.

“I love you,” he whispers, “more than I am even supposed to.”

All words seem to have fizzled out of her vocabulary as she sits still, stunned at what she’s hearing.

“I’m happy growing up with you, studying with you, bickering with you, acting stupid with you, investigating with you, eating with you, napping with you, hugging you, holding you, taking care of you, simply... being with you. Before I know it, it’s not the cases or Holmes or mysteries that complete my days, it’s you.

“For you to keep repeating that ‘best friend’ phrase, I…” He lowers his head.

“For who knows how long, I’ve loved you as that and more.”

Someone pinch her because in no way can this be real.

“I was happy thinking you’re jealous because it meant a sliver of chance you feel the same way. We could’ve remedied the misunderstanding easily, Ran. We could’ve talked it over like we always do. But I was stupid and emotions were high and in the end I… kissed you…” he takes another deep breath, “But—but you kissed me back, and my heart couldn’t stay still...”

Pulse drumming loud, Ran tilts her head on the side where he leans, wanting to see the slightest expression he makes as he continues.

“If my deductions are wrong and you’re mad for a different reason, and—and you returned that for a different reason...” she hears the pang of remorse in his tone, “then please forget I ever said anything and I’ll leave myself to die in humiliation once I’m out of your sight.”

He lays one palm flat on the floor and she notices.

“But if my deductions are right and you were indeed jealous, I...” She feels his head swivel enough to feel his warm breath fan across her cheek, before shifting back front and releasing a slow, guttural exhale he’s kept contained within.

“I’ll wait... until you accept it. Accept me.”

Ran may have choked on her throat for how long she’s held her breath.

In spite of herself, she knows she doesn’t need to think of what to say. She had it all in her head before coming here. Yet expressing it out loud is a different matter.

She isn’t ready, but when will she ever be ready? Shinichi undoubtedly isn’t too. Yet here he is, laying the groundwork for her, no holds barred and a stuttering mess at that. How she plans to build from it is the question she asks herself next.

Inhaling as though bracing herself, she places a hand beside him, pinky slightly grazing his.

“I didn’t... You never showed any signs.”

Careful and calm, he extends his little finger over hers. She doesn’t flinch, and both hands crawl closer until two fingers overlap.

“Either I’m a great pretender or you’re incredibly dense.”

“I’m...I’m not dense.”

“I’m a bad actor, then.” He slides his hand further.

“I was trying so hard to be a supportive best friend for you.”

“I sensed that but ignored it because I didn’t want to assume anything.”

“You did though. Now we’re here.”

“Would you rather we aren’t?”

“I would rather we spend the last weeks of this year talking like normal than being stupid idiots before you leave.”

“It’s just two weeks, Ran.”

“Two special weeks I would’ve wanted to spend with my best frien-... with you.”

Without knowing it, his hand has completely nestled atop hers, four fingers curled between her thumb and index finger.

“Ran... You must really hate the idea of falling in love with me.”

“Eh?”

“You’re so wrapped with the thought that we’re simply best friends that you hold your love in chains as though it isn’t permitted to grow.”

“I… I didn’t want to ruin the only connection we have-”

“Two friends falling in love are still friends… They are also more. You cannot ruin an indefeasible connection. Friendship and love may be the only bond we have, but they’re the most important bond of all.”

Ran falls quiet.

“Geez…”

He releases a thick sigh, brushes his thumb across her splayed fingers.

“I have shit art appreciation skills, but I can take you to museums too... as a friend and as a date.” A beat, and a mumble. “Even to better museums than Tokyo Metropolitan Art Museum.”

She darts her head sideways, realizing something.

“Were you also…?”

“No.”

Ran doesn’t suppress the heartfelt giggle that bubbles out.

“Shun-san has a boyfriend, Shinichi.”

“I—” he pauses. “I wasn’t asking.” Ran giggles more.

“Shinichi.”

“Yes.”

“I love you too.”

The hand above squishes hers all too suddenly like he’s been blown away and is needing something to hold onto.

“I came here to give your present and to apologize for being so shallow and for acting without thinking and for a lot of things actually... but now I feel there’s no need, because then I wouldn’t have...” She looks down at their intertwined hands.

Before she can return his squeeze, he recoils.

“Oh, y-you do apologize. Running away like that.” He coughs, and she can practically hear the tripping in his tone.

“Aren’t you already used to it? I’ve done it many times,” she chides.

“No. Apologize,” he insists. “And look at me while you do.”

Ran’s stomach twists, heart kicking up a step.

It’s easy to talk without eye contact, but to be requested so after confessions are exchanged—

“Face me, Ran.”

The familiar voice of yearning strums her heartstrings, tone sounding a lot like a plea than an order and Ran finds her head instinctively craning at an angle, hand coiling on the floor trying to calm her nervous beating heart. She feels him shift behind as well.

She takes all her time to face him, partly unsure what to do, partly knowing exactly what she wants to do. Despite the deliberate slowness of their movements, it is when they lock eyes that time truly seems to stop.

Shinichi appears so different, so soulful. His blue irises glimmering, fixated on nothing but her as she reveres him with matching intensity. The same guy she treats as her best friend looks at her with tender love in his eyes, darting down her lips and up like no best friend ever would.

“I love you,” he says, breathless. “Make me your boyfriend.”

A wave of emotion sweeps over her, heartbeat fluttering in overdrive as they huddle on the floor, bags and clothes and time forgotten.

“From best friend to... such a shift-”

“Nothing will be different.” He rests his forehead on hers, gaze of soft blue patient though more intimate now, knowing what they share is mutual. “We’ll still do what we do... With exclusive romantic commitment and sweet nothings that translate to ‘I love you’ in more ways than one.”

She attempts a jab on his chest but he catches her fist, soft but jesting beam all too apparent and she does but play along.

“What about when we fight?” she asks.

“Same. But...” he slides a thumb over her quiet lips, parting them slightly, “I can do this once we make up.”

“...Like right now?”

“Like right now.”

A genuine smile is the last thing she sees before delicate pair of lips lands on hers, capping their one-week fight and their last night of the year together in the best and most unexpected way imaginable.

Ran keeps telling herself she shouldn’t be jealous.

Not because they are simply best friends, because they aren’t. Not because life would be easier if she didn’t involve herself in his business twenty-four seven, because it wouldn’t.

Not because Shinichi doesn’t look at her that way, because he does.

She shouldn’t be jealous because she absolutely has no reason to, is all.

“I haven’t forgotten about your present. I was planning to buy yours in Akita.”

“Stop lying, you totally forgot it.”

“I didn’t. Stop that.” Half-mast eyes rake her side profile, and Ran covers a mirthful grin with her mitted hand holding the umbrella, then yawns. Hours of packing and talking and laughing left them with roughly four hours of sleep. It isn’t like she slept the whole period because while sleeping in his room isn’t new, cuddling while they sleep is. Ran couldn’t simply shut her eyes and heart to that.

“I believe though,” he wraps a hand around her free one, pocketing both of them in his brand new overcoat, “I gave half of my present already.”

“Hnn. That doesn’t count as a gift.” Her hand shifted, coddling his own to a warm fit.

“Really?” A smug smirk pulls up his face. “I believe I am a nice present, Ran. That’s why they—”

“Screw this. You are unbelievable. A humbug. Why do people like you.”

“I know. Why do you like me?” Shinichi laughs as he avoids the swing of her umbrella.

From afar, they see Kaori and the girls at the meet-up point outside Tokyo Station, though they seem unaware of their presence yet. Suddenly feeling conscious, Ran feels the urge to disentangle her hand, but Shinichi holds on, firm.

“Why?” He asks in a low voice.

“I dunno… maybe this isn’t the best time…”

“Isn’t now the best time?” His smile is proud and natural, not one ounce of reluctance visible.

Although she gets what he means, that doesn’t free her of shyness and guilt. Somehow she feels like apologizing to Kaori for… she doesn’t know. She just wants to. Letting her see them like this makes her think that she’s giving her an indirect slap on the face. Shinichi certainly won’t agree because ‘What’s with women and their logic?’, but still, whether or not it’s all in her head, Ran needs more time to prepare for this.

But to her surprise, Shinichi lets go of her hand. They are still a few feet from view when he steps in front of her and turns around. “Maah, fine, I get it,” he huffs, then smiles. “Then, just give me your umbrella.”

The moment she does, Shinichi closes their distance and dips his face onto hers. Ran is given no leeway to gasp as loving lips seal her quiet. It isn’t as long as what they shared a week ago, but the emotions are loaded and full, speaking fond thanks and temporary farewell.

She doesn’t realize she has closed her eyes until he separates, and she’s met with the most tender, most angelic expression he wears only on the rarest occasions. He’s saying without telling that her feelings are valid, she doesn’t have to worry, and he doesn’t have eyes for anyone but her. Somehow, the snow is the sea and fish are swarming around but neither cares because they have already caught each other.

“You don’t have to, silly.” Three layers of pink blanket Ran’s puffy cheeks.

“But I want to.” Grinning, Shinichi hands her back the umbrella. “You don’t like hand-holding. You don’t like being seen. Don’t you think that’s a great compromise?”

“Idiot, many people saw...”

“No, they didn’t!” Upping the duffel bag slung on his shoulder, he steps back and gives her one last goofy beam. “I’ll see you next year, Ran. I’ll call as often as I can.”

Wordlessly, Ran watches Shinichi’s back as he jogs to his waiting companions, who by then have already had their eyes pinned on the approaching figure.

“That is Shinichi-kun! ...And Mouri-san!”

“Ehhh!!?! You’re a thing!”

So much for being subtle, Ran flushes inwardly as she returns the wave the other girls are giving her. At that moment she really does feel immature for her past conduct. All of them are sweet. Even Kaori.

“I knew it Shinichi-kun! Mouri-san is sooo lucky, I’m so jealous!” Ran hears their banter and sees her jab his bicep before acknowledging her. “We’ll take care of him, Mouri-san!”

The Ran from one week ago would’ve had her heart crushed by such declaration, but now she’s nothing but pleased and the smile that forms across her lips is nothing but honest. “Make sure he doesn’t drag your group into a random dead body, Kaori-san!”

“Hey!” surfaces Shinichi’s shout amidst the mincing laughter of the group and the onlooking passers-by, and Ran bids her last wave before they enter the station.

Smiling to herself, Ran returns home, the lingering promise of his kiss committed to memory, knowing that she doesn’t have to get jealous because she has no reason to. Their indefeasible bond is all the assurance she needs.

#shinran #kiss prompts #fanfic #lmk anon(s) if you see this and if you do then yaaay #thank you for requesting!#and thank you for reading!#:')#I have a love-hate relationship with this fic #it's only supposed to be 4 scenes #oh well it is what it is lmao #it's ok ig since this is the last (awww) from the kiss prompts!#😌#I tried so hard with a jealous Ran haha #jealous fics are good reads but writing them is hard :O

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athena-is-a-chaotic-lil-shit · 3 years

Text

Getting back at writing, is, well, hard. My grammar and vocabulary and basically everything is messed up so I apologize in advance for that. It's been, almost a year ever since my last written fic. That time I was still crazy with Kimetsu no Yaiba and the KyoTan ship. I'll post it some other time ^^.

Anyways, I present to you my attempt in making a plotted work from a random thought that came over me this morning.

Pairing: Tai'chi Kashharzol (Orc) x Pearl Blackbell (Human OC/Reader)

Warnings: Basically none. Except for some curse words.

UD 01/10/21: Cleaned and revised some parts! Tried my best, hope it was enough.

•

Of Ice and Blood

Part 1

Quick backstory and some details I left out in the main work.

It was in summer, 28th of July, when Pearl Blackbell turned 19. She left her home and moved closer to the university she’ll be going to. She rented an apartment about five blocks from the school. Albeit small, it was cozy and proper, having what she needed: a kitchen, a decent-sized bedroom, a small living area with a worn but comfy couch, and a bathroom.

When she was younger, her parents started training her in martial arts and the use self-defense weapons. They needed to make sure she knew how to protect herself against assaulters and dangerous people, she was after all, their only child and baby girl . They want their daughter to be strong, both inside and outside, by the time she sets out on her own and leaves home.

Her favorite self-defense weapon was brass knuckles, despite her parents’ protests. She enjoys punching nasty people and feel the crunch of their bones beneath her fists, especially racists, sexists, bullies, and the lot. The main reason why she got into detention multiple times.

Painting it with a ruddy color, she keeps it in her person, no matter where she goes. She has two, one is for extreme situations, while the other has only two knuckles. It stills maximizes the damage dealt but it is relatively less dangerous than the full dusters. The second one is usually a spare, though she rarely uses it.

She also occasionally carries a pair of retractable nunchucks, which she designed to be hidden within her regular baggy clothes. Her father had trained her vigorously with them and she even bested him in a match before she left for the city.

Selkoth, the city of marvels.

Distant sounds of buzzing cars reached my ears as I opened my eyes and blinked away the sleepiness, the light shining from the spaces in my curtains rather helping, together with the warmth it brought to my chilled tawny skin.

[Start of the actual work]

I fully woke up as I registered the sound of my phone alarm, shortly getting up to prepare when I realized what day it was.

Monday, the first day of my college life.

I stepped into the bathroom and took a quick shower, knowing I bathed thoroughly last night to save some time today.

Time management is key.

I dried myself down, turned to my closet and started putting on the outfit I picked out the night before.

Prioritizing comfortability over appearance, I wore my favorite orange cotton shirt, my blackish-blue hoodie (that had been stained with blood some time ago, but don’t worry, I know how to clean out blood. Mama raised no fool.) over it, together with a pair of black skinny jeans. And of course, tight black sports bra and boxers, even mentioning my underwear yes?

I looked over to my mirror and it was—

Simple. And I loved it. The more simple it is the better.

'“Keep a low profile over there, sweetie. Don’t get into fights when you can help it okay??? We already taught you and prepared you to the best of our abilities. Promise to us that you’ll stay safe, and healthy. Okay? And don’t forget to call sometime.”' I sighed, remembering my mother’s words.

"Yes mama, I will.”

With a smile, I did my hair and went for a tight Dutch braid, it going down between my shoulder blades and ending a little above my waist. I ran to my kitchen to eat breakfast, satisfied with my look.

I eat fast okay

Backpack, check. White sneakers, check. Phone and keys, check. Airpods on, playlist shuffled, I bolted out of my apartment and jogged all 50 blocks to school.

Exercise is always important, and what other way to utilize time for exercising than to do it while heading to your destination, right?

I snickered.

As I made my way to the university, I saw bizarre creatures and monsters of different sizes, coexisting, and interacting with humans. Even so, I noticed other people’s disdain and bitterness towards them when I passed by. My nose is awfully sensitive to scents that sometimes the ones their body releases tells me what they feel at the moment. It’s all science, I guess. I was made extra susceptible to these, so I wear a mask everywhere and every time I go out just to partly block most of the smells.

My first day at a university open to everyone across the country gets my blood pumping with excitement. To think that I’m going to study at Ernestine State University, the Ernestine State University!

I first heard about the uni back when I was a child. News broke out about Victor Ernestine, committing suicide by driving his car off a cliff because he couldn’t accept that his daughter was one of the major leaders who made the unity of all people, of all races, possible.

Dramatic.

Months after Mr. Ernestine died, all his properties and riches were passed down to her daughter, who took over as the new founder of the university and rebuilt it to accommodate everyone, no matter the size and shape.

The strictly all-human school, renovated, reshaped, and repurposed, was now the first university to open its gates to everyone in the country of Yundomia.

I’ve always yearned to get to know other species in this world. I didn’t get the chance previously because my parents sent me to an all-human, local high school. Which sucks. I hated how everyone had a certain hatred for the other races, especially orcs. They keep talking about how they are wild beasts and savages that aren’t meant to be in society.

They treated them like animals that are void of emotions and intelligence.

Come to think of it, I mostly fought with humans who were either racist, bullies, bastards trying to hit on me, or a mix of all of them together.

I chuckled, remembering how many times I got counseled on not punching people in the face.

High school was pure torture, being a human-exclusive campus making it worse, considering how everybody smells so horrible and the principal was an egoistic dumbass I was a hair away from gutting him. My poor nose.

But now I’m done with that! I’m starting anew in this school, in this city. Perhaps make some friends along the way.

Which is kinda problematic.

I’m not the social type. I tend to keep things to myself and hardly open up to anybody. I wanna make at least one friend that isn’t human! Or just, one good friend. I didn’t have or made any friends in the past since people tend to shun me out just because I can tell how they are feeling and find it creepy.

Or they’re afraid to get punched in the face.

Entering the campus gates was like stepping into another world. I was met with the sight of humans and monsters walking together and conversing! It was nice, and I don’t get to see this much often.

I walked around and took in the landscape of the campus. It was huge! And beautifully designed to have a great number of trees and plants, while also having space more than enough to accommodate every student going to their respective classrooms.

I was minding my own business and it was all serene, until some bastards pushed past through me and knocking me to the side. I stumbled but didn’t fall. I was gonna say something, but I shut my mouth. I didn’t want to cause any trouble on the first day for goodness’ sake. So I brushed it off and went straight to the gym for the orientation.

*************************************

The orientation was, intriguing. The dean seems nice, though I couldn't smell him from where I sat. There's also a student council made up of both humans and monsters which is a good sign. The student council president was a Minotaur with a dark brown coat and horns curving front and pointing up. The vice-president was a male student who looked decent enough. The secretary was an elf. The treasurer, a dwarf. And the rest were humans. I couldn't scent any of them to tell me what they were feeling at the moment, but the Minotaur looked uncomfortable, his hands behind his back, body going stiff when they were introduced to the freshmen. There was a larger numbr of humans than monsters, which was expected. I also noticed how both were grouped, a white line in the middle of the gym separating us from them.

Maybe to avoid any misunderstandings?

We were informed that today will be for introductions to your classmates and subject teachers so there will be no lessons at all. Hooray!

I was walking to my first classroom when a damned familiar smell attacked my nose. I stopped to stand for a moment and adjusted my mask. I looked around to spot the one emitting it and of course, saw a human. He looked, well, the typical playboy cool boy who used too much body spray on himself.

Not wanting to stand there like an idiot and prolong my suffering, I speed walk to my classroom and planned to sit at the back hoping no one would notice or ask why I’m wearing a mask.

That's always what they ask first. Not my name or how I was doing.

I expected to find no one inside since it was still early, but I was startled to see a massive orc sitting at the back looking out at the window. He was wearing a dark gray knitted sweater that was hugging his hulking frame very…well. Along with what looked like thick cargo pants and black boots.

He turned to look at me when I let out a small yelp, greeting me with his piercing, blue eyes.

Beautiful.

The orc had long, braided, jet-black locks. Two of them had distinct beads that trailed down from the side of his face and down to his chest, the rest of his hair behind him braided with intricacy and tied and ended halfway down his back.

I was pushed out of my trance when a person entered and crashed into me, swearing under my breath that it was intentional, nearly making me plant face-first on the trash bins if I hadn’t changed my footing at the last moment.

“Watch it, bitch, you’re gonna ruin my make-up,” she snapped.

Wow. She dared to call me that and not apologize like I’m the one who shoved her. Just wow. Usually at this point, I would have planted her face on the floor, but I stopped myself.

Low profile! Low profile Pearl! You’re in college now! You definitely don’t want to get suspended on the first fucking day of class now do you?? Keep it together.

Straightening up, I walked towards the back and sat beside the orc. Whose gaze fell on me, curious, when I wasn’t looking.

I made myself settled in my seat before the professor came in.

There were other races in my class. A blue tiefling sat three rows in front, wearing a casual outfit. A black-haired elf who looked and dressed clever, a row away. A cute pink pixie on my far right. A satyr wearing glasses, two seats in front of me, and a female lizardfolk a seat from of the pixie.

"Are you...alright?"

I almost jumped from my seat when the orc beside me spoke. I couldn’t help but admire how deep his voice was. I tried not to appear flustered, my mask helped with that.

“Uh…yes?”

The orc regarded me for a second before continuing.

“You were pushed earlier.”

Oh. He saw that?

“Oh, yeah, I’m okay.” I smiled at him. Then I remembered he can’t see my face. But I hoped the crinkling of my eyes gave it away.

“I’m Pearl, by the way.” I reached out my hand to him, socializing not my best suit but at least I tried.

He paused for a second before taking it into his bigger one, engulfing mine and shook it slowly. I was again, surprised by how gentle he was.

“Tai'chi.”

Interesting.

“Nice to meet you, Tai'chi.”

He lets go of my hand when the professor started talking up front.

“Nice to meet you too, Pearl."

***************************************

Thoughts? I am wide open for constructive criticism :D

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

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toukenramblings · 3 years

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University AU: Izuminokami Kanesada, Mutsunokami Yoshiyuki, Juzurmaru Tsunetsugu

Anon asked: do you have any high school (or uni, if you don't like the high school au) hcs fof izuminokami, mutsunokami, and juzumaru? thank you!!

Uni au it shall be~!

Warnings: Broke college kids. Short n sweeet.

Izuminokami Kanesada

The one fucker that turns in his work late and sleeps in class. Horikawa has to make sure this dumbass doesn’t end himself from eating too much cup ramen and cook for him. Izumin is a bit of a slacker with his work and stays up late playing games or just doing...whatever the hell he’s up to. Is he a player? Maybe? Why do you wanna know? There’s no doubt that he is a gorgeous man so he’ll have multitudes of admirers.

It’s not that Izuminokami isn’t smart or anything, he’s just pretty lazy. Sure he relies quite a bit on Horikawa already but in college Horikawa is more or less his tutor/mom all rolled into one.

Izuminokami cannot deny that he is a party animal. Most likely a frat boy. A respectful frat boy, hell no he’s not getting the more dumb shenanigans his frat bros are into. He resPECTS women and the queer community damn it. Can and will get into fist fights to protect them.

Yes he will walk someone home if they don’t feel safe.

Found sleeping on benches and in the library.

Is that one moron who doesn’t hurt because he forgot like my bro and i and Hori-mama has to remind him to PLEASE EAT FOOD I S2G.

Is a night owl, always out at clubs and shit. Yes he knows that he has to do schoolwork but like...pARTY. He still can’t drink to save his life though, ends up passed out pretty quickly if you don’t keep an eye on him. But his morals won’t go away, hell. Can and will still fight bastards while drunk off of his ass.

I think Izuminokami would be a literature major or a history major. He may not look like it, but he adores going on rants about the subjects he’s interested in. That or he’s super duper into the study of bugs. I’ve seen Izuminokami having a bit of a interest in beetles due to him being rather young amongst the swords, so I think he’ll be interested in that!

Super interested in martial arts and kendo, catch him in a competition and his admirers are cheering him on from the sidelines.

Actually now that I think about it, all of the Shinsengumi swords in the college AU have to make sure that Izuminokami is alive because this ho can’t take care of himself for shit. His room is always messy and sure he does clean up and stuff but dude, please take care of yourself. Horikawa is already at his limit.

Mutsunokami Yoshiyuki

Frat boy, party animal. He might be in the rival frat to Izuminokami’s but can actually handle alcohol. He doesn’t sleep around but like Izuminokami, will offer to walk people home sober or not. Can and will fight a ho to protect people. No one’s stopping his ass. Though he would prefer to talk it out, it don’t mean he won’t hesitate to sucker punch a ho. No homo? What’s that? Mutsunokami is physically affectionate with everyone of any identification.

Yes he volunteers at an animal shelter. Yes he feeds all of the stray animals around his dorm/apartment. Yes he tries to sneak them into his room. No he’s not hiding a puppy under his shirt what are you talking about?

Also the kind of man to fall asleep in class. He plays games yes but most of the time he stays up just to hang out with animals or just stargaze. He really likes the stars. Probably has a hobby in astronomy.

This dude has like idk five majors. He wants to major in languages, history, military history, man there’s so many things that Mucchan wants to do! He may get in a little bit over his head but he just want’s to learn everything! He is just oh so curious about the world!!! He has to see it!

Yes he will be the first student to sign up the minute he’s asked to travel abroad.

He’s also that person who throws a mini party to welcome new students into the dorm! He loves meeting new people and gets them gifts and all! It’s so sweet!!!

I feel like Mutsunokami’s dream job is a travel agent or just backpack around the world? His dream is to travel and see the world after all, but he’ll be just as happy to work in a museum! no im not crying at the thought of a museum date with mucchan i just.....wanna...hold.....hAND

Dude he’s the kind of student who is not really a kiss up to his professors but has a super good relationship with them. He gets into friendly debates with them about the subjects in class and he loves getting new perspective on things!

Is also still very much into photography, hell yeah he’ll be in a photography class. Maybe become a professional photographer in his spare time? As a part time job? Maybe!

Of course he volunteers to hang out with kids. He’s a pretty damn good baby sitter, that’s also a part time job. He’ll happily tutor peeps of all ages!

Juzumaru Tsunetsugu

OH this man turns in all of his work like a week early, is the model student, quiet as hell in class but dude he knows his worth. He sits so still and so quiet you almost don’t see him and you kinda think he’s probably dead. BUt then he notices you staring and smiles softly at you and you almost die because sHIT SHIT HE CAUGHT YOU STARING but also he’s so pretty how dare.

Juzu takes really good care of himself. He most likely volunteers at the library and helps old people walk across the street. Goes to sleep on time, wakes up at least three hours before class to prepare breakfast and meditate. Hell he’ll cook for his roommates too. No stopping him from doing that. He can kinda cook? It’s small and simple tho.

While Juzumaru might be a religion major, I think that he will be interested in history and math? If anything he may be a bit like Mucchan. He’ll want to learn everything and anything! Yes he will prefer his religion studies but hey, it doesn’t hurt to learn about everything and anything!

Like the others above, Juzumaru will also offer to walk people home. He doesn’t like fighting all that much so if he’s at a party (which is impossible) and sees someone spike a drink, he’ll be more so being the person who warns the drinker and pretends to be their friend/is their friend to take them out of the situation. This doesn’t mean he won’t defend himself or that person if they get into a scuffle.

No Juzumaru isn’t part of a frat and he mostly keeps to himself. He is probably found hanging with Yamabushi, Kousetsu, or just hiding by his lonesome in the library.

He also helps tutor other students. If anything I just think that he’s the best tutor. He’s so calming and sweet and patient, able to guide the hand of anyone he teaches. His voice is so soothing its some asmr quality shit im sorry i just love his voice and like you can fall asleep to that.

Juzumaru is also a kid who probably wants to go study abroad. For fun and for learning.

Is the mom friend, if you drag him to a party, you better expect him to watch over you and the rest of your friends like a hawk.

His handwriting is so pretty? How the hell he always does his papers by hand is beyond me but he can use computers his handwriting is just...so pretty????

His dream career? Librarian.

#touken ranbu #touken danshi #touken ranbu x reader #touken ranbu imagine #tkrb #tkrb x reader #tkrb imagine #izuminokami kanesada #izuminokami kanesada x reader #izuminokami kanesada imagine #mutsunokami yoshiyuki #mutsunokami yoshiyuki x reader #mutsunokami yoshiyuki imagine #juzumaru tsunetsugu #juzumaru tsunetsugu x reader #juzumaru tsunetsugu imagine #my writing #https://toukenramblings.tumblr.com/tagged/Chaotic%20Citadel%20Correspondences

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dcmkanswers · 3 years

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Realistically speaking, if the detectives weren't to become detectives, what university majors can you imagine them choosing? Thank you for your hard work! ☺️

With so many of them being interested in detective work from a young age (or we assume a young age), it’s hard to think of what else they may be interested in.

We don’t know enough about Hakuba in general, though even if he weren’t a detective, it still feels like he’d have a job he could be helpful to it tangentially. Like an archivist or psychologist. Maybe have taken criminology while majoring in psychology?

Heiji’s only other hobby outside of detective work is kendo. Which. He’d only be likely to play ‘professionally’ if he worked for police or in physical education. (Since kendo isn’t a sport you could play professionally as a paying career in itself.) And I don’t see him being a good fit for a teacher like that (this boy who was completely uninterested in any actual kendo matches because his mentality is he only wants to go against people as strong or stronger than him). Could be in some athletic field in general though, it’d be a good outlet for his competitive nature. Baseball, maybe. Then he could crossover with 3rd Base Fourth. Also could totally end up accidentally being a folklore writer and specialist, if he kept stumbling into supernatural related situations instead of murd-. History major sounds like something he’d get passionate about, actually.

Sera who the heck knows. Her family situation is wild, detective or spy is practically part of the package. Shuukichi got out of it because of his memory and he liked shogi even in his flashback, but all we have for Sera is that she wants to make people happy. She could be a bodyguard, after picking up martial arts just to be like her brother. ..And not a whole lotta other traits shown to go anywhere outside of detective or bodyguard. Could throw a random option of an appraiser, though both bodyguards and appraisers are more about being trained and certified than having any particular degree. Could do whatever she feels like building experience for in uni, though history or fine arts might help for the latter job.

And then Shinichi. To match his writer father and actress mother, he’d clearly be a director. Especially for book adaptations. Film major.

#Question! Answer!#Shinichi could have so many connections if he'd just utilize his parents #Also I like the idea of him being an aspiring director and still like #Knowing Chris and could still de fiercely protective #Because the incident in New York with 'running into the serial killer' had nothing to do with the case #So could still happen #Shinichi could just be admiring things about the stage and pick up on the clues to pass on to the police #The police could have figured it out on their own #Anon

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lingdidi · 3 years

Text

tagged by: @completely-fused i’m sorry it took me so long to get to it :((

tagging: no one as always oOP

rules: answer the questions and tag people you’d like to get to know better!

as always i will put a read mroe for people who are not interested hehe

what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

everyone nowadays calls me Berry even irl! it’s been like this for many years now skjfnsdkjfn but i also like being called by my real name! (for those who know what it is, of course lol)

when is your birthday?

july 4th~

where do you live?

i live in spain!

three things you are doing right now?

i’m listening to this song i really liked back in???? 2015? 2016? i suddenly remembered it yesterday skjfdsnkjf

i’m about to answer the ask kee sent me to ship my mutuals with golcha!

i’m... breathing? i’m not doing much more and tbh i’m a little bored sjknfkdsj but i guess the ships will entertain me sjkfndskj

four fandoms that have piqued your interest?

to be honest i think besides kpop fandoms i don’t think i’m in many fandoms? earlier this year i watched The Untamed and i loved it so that could count, I’m watching Guardian with mirf now so maybe that too? i can’t think of much more rip

how has the pandemic been treating you?

:) if uni didn’t exist i’d say it was pretty decent and could have been way worse. in fact, this summer despite the pandemic i was the happiest i had been in a very long time and i just??? felt sooo mentall healthy. but of course, when uni came back, everything went down again and here we are. 3rd year of uni and the worst so far and by far :)))))))))

a song you can’t stop listening to right now?

belle epoque by onf!! i feel like most people know it sjknfkjdsnfk but it’s really my comfort song lately... it’s so beautiful

school, university, occupation, other?

as i said i’m in uni :>

do you prefer heat or cold?

i prefer cold!! if i get cold i can get comfy with many layers of clothing or blankets or anything but?? if it’s too hot??? i could go full nakde and turn the fan on and still suffer (: and i hate sweating

name one fact others may not know about you

i...... this will probs be unexpected for everyone except isa and mirf who know it all but.. i really..... really like dragon ball z since i was a kid snkfjdsnkj i may not be the most knowledgeable person about it but i love it. i slept over at isa’s beach house for a week in summer and one night past midnight we were in bed and i. talked to her about the whole story for probably over an hour. in fact when i asked her what’s a fact others don’t know about me she said “that you’re the ultimate goku fan” so that’s why i settled for this sjnfsdkjf i like it so much that when they released the game dragon ball z kakarot in january this year i wanted it SO much but i couldn’t buy it for reasons. i settled for watching streamers playing it but i kept wanting it the whole year and around september i was so desperate to play something about dragon ball z that i PLAYED A 2004 GBA GAME OF IT ON AN EMULATOR ON MY LAPTOP. my brother told his friend while chatting on his ps4 that he saw me playing that game and that i had been wanting the new one so much but we were waiting for a good sale so we could buy it together. but his friend, who had the game and already finished playing it long ago, felt so much pity for me that he came to my house the next day, handed me the game and said “take as long as you need to play it”. i still haven’t been able to finish the game because of uni but as much as i wanna give it back because it’s not mine i... dread the moment i finish the game and have to say goodbye to it forever... fun fact i even have a dragon ball shirt that resembles the Turtle School uniform (a martial arts school of the db universe) and a little figurine of my favorite character.......

are you shy?

yeah i’d say i am very shy :))) and on top of that i’m very awkward and a v big introvert but surprisingly?? a lot of people say i manage well enough in social situations when i have to,,, good for me sjfndsjknfsj

biggest pet peeve?

this may be very typical but the sound of chewing (if it’s with their mouth open it’s extra annoying to me, but when i can still hear it even when they chew with their mouth closed........), sitting next to someone and they dON’T STOP shaking their leg(s), or this stupid weird habit my brother has of making farting noises with his hands?? like why does he even do that

what’s your main blog?

this one!

list your sideblogs and what they’re used for

GOD, GET READY (i even have more but those are just either urls i hoard or a sEcReT -if you ever find them you’ll know it’s mine real quick tho sjkfdsjkf-)

@/noirdecoco: art blog with isa!

@/baecobie: fic rec blog that i haven’t used in the longest time ever

@/angelwenning: the untamed blog that i haven’t used in t-

@/daengni: noir blog with isa that we used like two days

@/youthhasboyfriends: group blog for bf headcanons of ip+qcyn trainees. some were hilarious sjfndskj

@/mcsungjin: the most cursed blog (with isa)

@/chengchengfans: listen this is one of my favorite sideblogs ever. it’s a pity that it’s dead (with isa too)

now some honorable mentions of a couple urls i hoard: speedidi (i believe mirf never posted her superhero didi fic so i could never use this url), didikong (if you’ve been following me for a very long time, you’ll remember didikong day.), tiddydidi

is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

i may be veeeeeeeeeeeery slow with replies sometimes but 1- i’m really busy with uni as i said :( 2- sometimes i just don’t feel like talking at all (not even because i’m feeling sad or anything but sometimes i just wanna do something else)

#tag game #the fact.... is so true yet it...#embarrasses me for some reason #but i really am a fan #SNKJFNDSKJFSK #berryhwang.txt

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salted-cushions · 3 years

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All the reasons I gave you, the things I wanted and didn’t want - they were real, but they paled next to you. Like candles lit under the midday sun. And I, weak and stupid, watched the sun set on my life for the last time instead of snuffing even one of my candles out. Now they’ve all burned out, and so I’m sitting in the dark with nothing but my regrets to keep me company.

Long-ass emo post that takes a long time to get the the point, be warned.

I have taken up running in the past few weeks. I am not a strong runner, but my aerobic capacity is slowly improving and I’m starting to enjoy it... slightly.

I ran a community 5K this morning, and the emailed me my results about an hour later. I ran it in 33:15, which was much better than last time but still slow as fuck in the grand scheme of things - the fastest guy there posted a time of 17:30ish, which I know because he lapped me about 10 meters before the finish line.

So I was pretty confused when they told me I ran the fastest time in my age category. Like wtf? So I opened the results page and sorted it by age category - and it turns out that out of 182 runners, eight of them were between the ages of 20 and 29.

Where the fuck do I find people my age to make friends with? Most of the people in my course don’t speak english well enough to really get to know them, and besides they tend to form their own little cliques based on nationality - the chinese students have their own little groups, as do the indians and sri lankans. The singaporean and hong kong group is a bit more welcoming (and they tend to speak better english too), but like... I can get along with them well enough, but not well enough to be part of the in crowd, y’know? And it feels kinda weird to be the only white guy hanging out with an entirely asian crew. Plus their main social activities seem to be hot pot and boba tea, neither of which I’m that in to.

I’d really hoped that I’d be able to make some friends doing this running group thing, but I guess only the young and old do it. Ever since I’ve moved back to the suburbs I just never see anyone between highschool age and middle age. And the people who are kinda around my age are like... young families who’re starting out with homeownership and having kids, just at a different stage of life than I am. I guess all the young people are living near unis or towards the city.

A few years ago, I wanted friends who went out and got drunk, had house parties, did drugs and had lots of casual sex. And I had that, for a little while, working at a bar near the city - we’d pull 12 hour shifts, sit in the bar after close and drink our paychecks, hit the clubs and dance for hours, hook up with strangers, crash somewhere for a couple hours sleep and do it all again tomorrow. But it’s not as fulfilling as I thought it would be, I think I only wanted it because I thought I missed out in my teens and early 20s. (Hospitality bosses want their employees to do this, by the way - they’ve created this culture where you basically get abused by them and the customers all day, then spend all your money drinking at your workplace to get the bad feelings out, and then by the time the next shift rolls around you’re so tired and hungover all you want is to get through your shift and get drunk again. It’s disgusting, and I hope I never work at a bar again).

So what sort of friends do I want now? I don’t really know. I want to be able to talk about things that are on my mind, share my accomplishments and have them celebrated, get support when I need it and give it when they do. I want to host dinner parties and cocktail nights, and go to my friends’ dinner parties and cocktail nights. I want to go to nice restaurants and classy bars for celebrations, and maybe hit a club and dance until I can’t stand once or twice a year - but not on a school night, that’s not very smart.

I guess part of my problem is I want to do everything and be accepted everywhere (thanks, ADHD). Not that many people want to go and see the ballet or a musical, and also get high and talk about life, and also exercise every day and be fit and healthy, and also get shitfaced and dance until the sun comes up. People I meet seem to have space in their lives for work or school, family, a couple good friends, and exactly one ‘other’. My ‘other’ is a list a mile long, and everything has to be done at 110% otherwise I’m not interested in the slightest. I miss dancing - but there’s no point taking it up again until I can commit $5k/year and 15+ hours/week to competition training, plus probably another $5k/year on costuming, shoes and travel. I miss world of warcraft - but there’s no point playing unless I’m gonna do 10-15 hours of keystones on top of raiding three nights every week. I miss league of legends - but there’s no point playing unless I’m gonna play four hours a night to keep my skills sharp, oh and also that game makes me so fucking angry that I’ve broken more than one keyboard playing it. I miss martial arts - I kinda wanna do jujitsu, but it’s so expensive and you gotta buy all the gear straight away, and I know that if I get into it I’ll start wanting to train every day and spend all my time and money on it. Plus I don’t always get along with the kind of people who do it - the typical BJJ guy is either an older dude who realised he was getting fat and had a midlife crises, or a younger guy with a shaved head and intense eyes with dark circles whose bought into the culture with a cult-like intensity and has the vibe of being on the precipice of getting an SS tattoo. I miss magic the gathering, but collecting cards for a competitive decks is an incredibly expensive and time-consuming process with significant setbacks every couple months when a new set comes out, plus MTG people tend to be have this unique combination of zero social skills, zero personal hygiene, and intense arrogance that makes them eminently unlikeable.

I like lifting, but I don’t really like gym culture - if it’s powerlifting, it’s all bearded bikie sorta guys listening to heavy metal. If it’s weightlifting, it’s very insular and cliquey (although the scene in my city is very small, so that might be a poor judgement). If it’s ‘bodybuilding’ - not people who compete, but guys who want big pecs and arms, and girls who want a skinny waist and a fat ass - it’s all ‘yeah brah’ meathead vibes and shallow instagramming. Besides, I spent all this money on my home gym stuff, so I can’t really justify paying for a gym membership just for socialising.

I like running, or I’m liking it so far. I don’t know about the people, they seem a bit too... normal for me. Everyone’s chatting about their spouses and kids and dogs, except the little group of competitive runners who seem to be more interested in training than chatting (funny that). Maybe that’s how I find myself and make some friends - keep moving towards having a house and a spouse and kids and a dog. That’s scary though. Is that what I want?

This has been on my mind a lot recently, to be honest. In a year I’ll be finished with my degree (theoretically) and hopefully find a professional, salaried job. What then? Except for the year I decided I would drop out of school and have a career in hospitality (bad idea), that’s been the point where my idea of the future stops for quite a while now. I know I want to buy a house or an apartment at some point, and since I found out that my sister and I are inheriting an interstate property homeownership is actually starting to sound realistic. I know, in broad strokes, the field I want to work in. But... do I want to live in the city and live the urbanite single life? Do I want to have a family and live further out where there’s space and more greenery? If my research project goes well, maybe I could try and get hired on as a research assistant, or if I find something worthwhile I could put together a PhD proposal (lol good luck with my amazing 1.1 GPA). I could work for the local government, or the state government, or the federal government, or a design firm, or a construction firm, or a consulting firm... the options are so many and I don’t even know how to begin evaluating them.

Of course it’s all a bit of a pointless exercise right now, because I’ll honestly take whatever job I can get when I graduate. There’s a lot of jobs for civil grads, but with my awful grades, dodgy resume and just being older than the rest of my cohort, I won’t have the luxury of being choosy. Public, private, non-profit, research, city-based, rural or even interstate - I’ll be submitting as many applications as I can and taking whatever I can get. And that will cut down my options for stuff like where I like and what kind of lifestyle I want to lead, like I can’t be seeing musicals every weekend and frequenting trendy cocktail lounges if I’m living and working off in Traralgon or whatever, and I can’t be living on a ten-acre rural plot with some sheep and a couple of border collies if I need to drive into the city for work every day.

I’m not ready to turn 30. I’m getting my shit together, but it’s so fucking slow and frustrating. At the start of the year I tore up my life and started from scratch - like I have every few years since I turned 16 - but I think and hope that this will be the last time, now that I’m aware of my patterns, medicated, and trying to plan for my future. But making those plans means... I need to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I need to separate what’s a part of me from what’s manifestations of ADHD. I need to figure out what I genuinely like, and what I think I like because it’s novel, or stimulating, or because I saw people doing it and instinctively wanted to mirror them. I need to dig through the ideal version of myself, the person that I want to be, and figure out what pieces are good and what aren’t. A couple years ago, I had this idea that the ideal me would say ‘I’m gonna do what I want, and the people who don’t like that can piss off.’ Well, I woke up one day recently and realised that I had no friends because that attitude had systematically pushed everybody that I cared for out of my life, so that’s one idea that I’m working on getting rid of.

There is one part of that which is very difficult for me to approach, though... and that’s my ex. She told me that she thought I looked hot with a beard, and so that became part of my ideal version of myself. I normally wear stubble these days - but with the nice clean line shaved into my cheek, just like she liked. I tell myself this is the way I think it looks best. But maybe I only do it because my ideal me is built for her. Before I met her, I already wanted to be fit, healthy and strong - dance training, lifting, sometimes running (but never sticking to it). But fitness was a big part of her life, and while we were together I absorbed some of that from her. It would be stupid to drop it from my life altogether, but I can’t help but wonder how much of why and how I do these things is constructed around her.

I never met anyone who understood me like she did. I’ve never liked sharing hobbies with girlfriends - inevitably they don’t quite get it, just as I don’t quite get theirs. Like, girls who wanted to play video games with me didn’t understand my drive to improve and be competitive - how when I play a game I’m constantly striving, in every moment, to be that little bit quicker, more accurate, more efficient, to make the right calls, to pick the right strategies. To them, a game is just a game to play for fun - and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not how I enjoy video games and I’m going to be intensely frustrated for every single second of you clumsily trying to participate in something I’ve spent thousands of hours getting better at. I can’t even play Mario Party without becoming a ruthless monster, please let’s put on a movie or something before my head implodes.

She got it, though. Not with video games - she didn’t give two shits about them - but about fitness. She wasn’t like those people who come to the gym to half-heartedly do a set on every machine and then go home to eat ice cream, or the people who just do an hour of incline walking while watching tv and playing on their phones. She did research, and made intelligent plans, and took it seriously. She’d grit her teeth and push through the shittiest days, where lesser women (and men) would have cut their workout short and gone home. She badly needed to succeed, so badly that every little failure cut her to the quick. Healthy? Fuck no. But just like me. More than me, better than me. We understood each other. And let me tell you, you’ve never known love until you’ve watched your girlfriend grind her way out of a PR squat that by all rights she should have failed - and then seen the elation on her face once she’s racked the bar and realised what she just achieved.

Jesus, I’m close to tears now. I just wanted to bitch about not having any friends and I’ve once again segued into pining over her. God I’m so lonely. Why am I like this?

Reading over that last paragraph... it does sound like I have genuine feelings for her, and not just an obsessive need to recapture the one that got away. So that’s... good, I think. It doesn’t change anything really... it doesn’t uncover a new course of action to take, or instruct on how to manage my feelings better. But I don’t want to be that creepy, obsessive ex. I’ve felt like that a lot over the past couple years, but only internally... I’ve tried to leave her alone and done pretty well, I think. Like yeah, I think about her way too much and stalk her socials pretty regularly, but if she doesn’t see any of that then... it won’t make her uncomfortable. That’s the theory. And I’m getting better with the stalking... I just open her instagram and say to myself ‘see? still blocked and set to private. you didn’t miss anything.’ and then I can close it and go about my day. Not great, but... better than the alternatives for now.

This is where it all comes together. I want to text her, have another shot, lay everything out and say ‘I want now what you wanted from me two years ago.’ And I think that’s an actual desire, even a plan, not just me desperately trying to grab on to the last few shreds of dopamine I could get from her. But... I’m not ready, and it’s not the right time. I need to keep getting my shit together, so I can face her and be proud of myself. I don’t want to be embarrassed by living in an ancient, dirty and broken-down house - but I’m working on that. I don’t want to be embarrassed by my inability to stick to an exercise routine for more than a few months - but I’m working on that. I want be confident when I say I’ll finish my degree this year. I want to be confident when I say that next year I’ll have a job and be looking at buying a house. I want to be confident when I say that I’m quitting smoking - or, better yet, proudly say that it’s been so many weeks since my last cigarette.

I hurt her, in the past. And I regret it, and I’m ashamed - because as I’ve learned more about myself, the reasons are becoming clear. She wasn’t happy, and she would break up with me. I would say, ‘well of course I don’t want that, but you need to do what’s right for you.’ And then I would go cold for a couple of days until she inevitably came crawling back - until the last time, when she didn’t. I shouldn’t have let it go on. And why did I let it? Because I’m weak and selfish. Because I ignore issues that I don’t want to deal with, and happily go on with my life as if they don’t exist. Because I’m desperate for approval and validation, and couldn’t do the right thing by her because it would have meant losing a huge source of that. Because I think I can get away with anything, and I care more about whether there will be immediate consequences for me, rather than if something is right or wrong or affects someone else.

I took so much from her. Her friendship with our other roommate - destroyed, and at the time I said ‘that’s between the two of them,’ but I was the one who came into their lives like a hurricane. Her house - she was the one who had to move, even though she’d lived their long before me - I was the one who should have moved out, but I said to myself ‘she’s the one who’s leaving, that’s her prerogative.’ Her gym - I should have stopped going there when things were moving towards the end, but I didn’t. Then I told myself that we went at different times now and wouldn’t see each other, so it was fine - until one day when she came in, saw me, went to the bathroom and hid for at least an hour until I’d left. It shouldn’t have taken that much to make me change gyms - and for what! That gym was her community, for me it was just the most convenient place that usually had a free squat rack. And I took it from her. All of these things were so easy to justify - ‘I’m gonna do my thing and if anybody doesn’t like it - they don’t have to stay in my life.’ I was so fucking selfish, and I have so much regret. The only thing I could possibly do is apologise. And I hate apologies - words mean nothing without actions backing them up. There’s no action that I could possibly take that could give these things back to her, so all I could do is grovel at her feet and tell her that I’m sorry and that I’m trying to be a better person.

I’m scared. Even if I do get my shit together and sack up enough to text her, and even if she actually replies, and even if by some miracle she wants to try again - I’m scared that I’ll hurt her again. That I won’t have grown out of my selfish, irresponsible ways. I can SEE the patterns, but can I change them? I think so... but it’s not an overnight thing, and it’s not a neat and direct path from A to B. It’s a messy, unclear, painful and difficult thing that I have to do if I want to be a better person, if I want be capable of having a stable and loving relationship in the future. I can easily see a future where, if all the pieces fall into place and we start dating again, I just use her up and toss her away again - just like every woman I’ve ever dated. Then I’m back exactly where I am today - lying in bed emptying my feelings into the internet - and she’s twice scarred from having me in her life. And then I hurt the next woman, and the next, until I eventually die bitter and lonely, looking back on the trail of pain and heartbreak I’ve left in my wake.

I’m scared of the other options, too. I’m scared that she rejects me and it doesn’t help me get over her. What do I do then? This would be a real hail mary, there’s no third chance - hell, the second is already a stretch. I just cannot go on for the rest of my life feeling like this - it’s been two years! The first three months or so were by far the worst, but after that it’s like... this became my new baseline. A bit of ebb and flow, but never gone. Maybe it’s worse than usual right now because I walked past her last week... and maybe it’s worse than usual because I’m trying to dig these things out from the depths of my brain in the hopes that the light and air will cleanse them. Maybe by going through this phase of rawness and regret, I’ll be better equipped to move on and this will all die down. Although I’m pretty sure I would have to genuinely accept that I can’t have her, and... I don’t know how. Maybe an emphatic and absolute rejection would do that for me. I’d probably have to throw away some of the stuff she gave me. I don’t know. I’m not equipped to approach that idea right now.

And then... what if she says we can try being friends? How do I navigate that? I’m not capable of doing something halfway, I’d spend every waking minute looking for an angle. It’d be an opportunity, not a friendship. That’s... manipulative. I don’t want to do that. And I don’t want to lie to myself and pretend I could do that. I don’t think it would happen, anyway - I don’t see that coming from her. Although I have seen her being friendly with an ex of hers, so... maybe I’m wrong.

And what if she says yes... but then I find out that I was in love with the idea of her that I’ve constructed over the past two years, and the person she is now doesn’t resemble that at all? What if I was just caught up with new relationship energy and a novel person, and really the connection and rapport wasn’t as deep as I remember it being? What if I do everything right this time, and still end up unhappy? I know that dating is always a risk, but... I don’t want to be dumping her six months down the track because she didn’t live up to this ridiculous, unrealistic fantasy version of her. And I don’t want to end up a bitter old man in a loveless marriage, any more than I want to end up a bitter old bachelor with a collection of broken hearts. I think about it and I’m pretty sure that the connection we had was real, and the reasons I want her are real and accurate - but ever since I started wrapping my head around this ADHD thing, I’ve stopped trusting my perceptions of things so much. If I want something, my brain will tell me pretty much whatever I need to hear so that I can rationalise my doubts away.

And that’s part of this whole thing - all this work that I’m trying to do on myself, how much of it is for her? I say it’s for myself, but I wouldn’t put it past me to be rationalising it that way, when it’s really all part of a larger scheme to win her back. Like, I clean my kitchen benches with spray and a cloth every single day now, sometimes two or three times if I’m cooking a lot. I think that’s because I want my house to be cleaned to that standard - but she had extremely high standards of cleanliness, so maybe I’m just trying to make myself the person who can tick that box for her. And I can say, well, if that’s the case that’s ok - the motivations don’t matter as long as you’re improving yourself. But if that’s the case... what happens after I text her? If we get back together, and my brain goes ‘cool goal achieved, we can shut this all down now’ and all the good traits I’ve painstakingly developed collapse back into nothingness. Or if she says no and I actually accept that, then my brain might go ‘ok this is pointless now, let’s get rid of it’ and the exact same thing happens? I want to be a whole, complete person on my own - and a good, responsible, reliable person who does stuff like keep a beautifully clean house - and so the idea that all of that might be built around this hope of having her back in my life is... uncomfortable, at least. As is the idea that I’m constructing a persona who’s only purpose is to win back an ex-girlfriend, as if life is some stupid romcom.

This has gone way off track, so... I’ll leave it there. R, if you’re reading this... I’m so, so very sorry about so many things. I hope you’re not reading it, because I’m not ready - for the apology itself, or the conversation that might follow. But I also hope you are reading it, because that would put the ball in your court and absolve me from the need for action - and I’m still too weak to do the difficult things in life.

When I told you I would come with you, I should have followed through. And I had reasons for not doing that - like I told you in my letter - but looking back I don’t think I was being honest with myself or with you. I was just too weak to do the difficult thing, and so I told myself half-truths until they sounded true enough to tell to you. All the reasons I gave you, the things I wanted and didn’t want - they were real, but they paled next to you. Like candles lit under the midday sun. And I, weak and stupid, watched the sun set on my life for the last time instead of snuffing even one of my candles out. Now they’ve all burned out, and so I’m sitting in the dark with nothing but my regrets to keep me company.

That’s it from me, everybody. Thanks for reading my blog.

#adhd #long #long post #poetry #...sorta #relationships #adhd relationships #emo #regret #loneliness #a bloo bloo bloo #prose #i miss you #i’m sorry #blog post

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