#maybe it’s just the amount of invalidness I feel about my autism

[redjukebox]

Does anyone else feel like they get really defensive of autism when it’s brought up for any reason? Like, idk if that’s the right word but anytime it’s brought up I get really defensive of myself, even if I’m simply watching a video talking about it in some way.

I’m watching a video of someone relating it to dhmis and their talking about their experience growing up with it and I just have this scared defensive feeling.

I don’t really know how to describe it

Like I’m angry, scared, sad and defensive

Maybe it’s because I’ve gone my entire life without a diagnosis and no help so when I hear about people’s experiences (good or bad) I get jealous?? Idk but it’s so weird

Like it’s to the point where I avoid content surrounding autism

Maybe it’s because it’s easy for people (neurotypicals mostly) to get info so wrong and I’m scared the info will be wrong and I’m so tired of info being wrong?? I really don’t know

Does this happen to anyone else (specifically autistic people)??

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

HAI FRIEND

i’ve literally been obsessed w ur megumi smau since like chp. 14 or something LOLL,, i have this thing where i just psychoanalyze characters and ive been thinking a lot about yn like hm…

(THIS MIGHT BE A LUTTLE LONG BTW SO FEEL FREE TO JUST LIKE IGNORE THIS BUT I RLLY WANT TO TALK ABT HER)

like yn (to a lot of people) may be like a little intolerable but honestly i think the reason we have such a reaction to her personality like that is bc we see a little bit of ourselves in her if that makes sense…

PERSONALLY, I AM A YN DEFENDER FOR LIKE THATS MY HOMEGIRL.. like imagine you grew up in a world where soulmates are the basis of your romantic future. the sheer fact that that in itself already builds a sense of you either love your soulmate or hate them in someones head (considering that most of the time,, soulmates are portrayed as; first time you meet, you just know)

yn,, having met megumi long before you brain could have developed a coherent understanding of relationships, and lacking in the sense that when she met megumi,, she didn’t feel sparks like they said she would, obviously, she would categorize those feelings as hate. THATS WHY WHEN MEGUMI SAID “i dont think you really ever hated me either” HIT SO HARD FOR ME I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD…

BASICALLY WHAT IM GETTING AT is the fact that there is so much pressure already due to the fact that soulmates are said to be your other halves, so if you don’t like them, theres immense pressure and insecurity (hence yn’s hostility to the subject of her hating megumi because she has no comprehended idea of why she actually hates him) plus the fact that they met when they were kids and that probably affected the way she saw relationships in the first place EXPLAINS WHY SHE IS SO ADMENT ON BEING INDIFFERENT TO HIMMM

ok… another thing (sorry)..

AS MUCH as i love yn’s friend group,,, THEY LOWKEY PISS ME OFF THE SAME WAY YN PISSES ME OFF HELP..

OK SO,, obviously i’d also get pissed off if my friends get hostile bc i bring something up to want to understand them better, BUT at the same time, i would also have some sympathy 😢😢

LIKE,, their immediate response is to press harder, and try to solve the problem and if youre looking at texts like that thru yn’s eyes, it will prob lowkey feel like your feelings are being invalidated. yn is already confused, probably insecure about her love life, and now having to literally throw up her heart into her hands just for her friends to understand why they feel that way,, like she’s not gnna want to do that no matter how close they are (but maybe thats js me idk…) and then their immediate response to her not wanting to show that side of her is to get pissed off like i’d be mad and sad like yn too :(

i think those are all the points i was thinking sbt but if not im not gnna try to rmbr the rest bc this is alr super long.. BUT I HOPE U ENJOYED MY RANT AND I LOVE UR SMAU AND I LOVE U MUAH I HOPE U HAVE A GREAT DAY

I LOVE U I LOVE U I LOVE U

i absolutely ADOREEEE when people psychoanalyze the characters (mostly only when the analysis is correct tho LMFAOAO autism.) BECAUSE I DO THE SAME THINGGG i kinda have to when i’m doing plot heavy smaus like this to make sure everything fits n there’s the least amount of plot holes possible blah blah blah insert my annoying rambling on how i write

ANYWAY i loved ur analysis u r so amazing n so right ! like i get yn is annoying but lord have mercy so is everyone else that’s the POINTTTTT NO ONE HERE IS ACTUALLY IN THE WRONG OR BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. EVERYONE HAS THEIR REASONING FOR WHAT THEY DO OR DONT DO!!! ugh sorry okay i’m gonna shut up now i could talk about this forever i fear .

I LOVE UUUU HAVE A GREAT DAYYYY

[a-dragons-journal]

Hello again. This is the 5-part anon from earlier. I wrote a long response to your post and I think it’d be more convenient to dump the text in a pastebin than split it into asks. The link is going to expire in a few months, so I recommend copying the contents into its own post rather than posting the link: pastebin. com / 2r49iein

I had, sorry; you've just caught me in the lead-up to and midst of finals week, so I haven't been answering asks as quickly as usual, especially ones that will take a significant amount of time and energy xD (No worries about checking in, though, Tumblr does have a horrible habit of eating asks and it's good to check! And also my ADHD no-object-permanence ass will see an ask, go "I'll respond to that later," and then forget it exists sometimes with no Tumblr interference necessary, so good to check for that reason too xD)

Hello again. This is the 5-part anon from earlier. Thank you for your thoughtful answer. First off, I want to apologize to anyone who may have been hurt by my words on the topic of otherheartedness, copinglink, etc. I did not mean to in any way minimize the importance of these identities for others. Because I felt I didn’t have the "right" to claim a "full" otherkin identity, I felt like I had to settle for something that simply didn’t fit my experience, which led to my frustrated, generalized words.

With that out of the way, I’ve been giving what you said some thought. I have to admit I never really participated in otherkin communities, only watching from afar. It’s good to know that I "qualify" as otherkin, but I wonder if it’s such a good idea for me to identify that way. I have so few experiences in common with most otherkin that I would probably feel *more* alienated by calling myself that, not *less*. In my experience, forcing myself into an identifier that is technically correct but feels wrong/bad is not the way to go. At any rate, I’ll describe my feelings in more detail, just because I’m really curious to know if you’ve ever heard of anyone similar, or if this reminds you of anything. I apologize if some of it is repetitive or if it jumps from topic to topic without making much sense.

Some parts of otherkin… culture, I guess? Baffle me. For example, needing to narrow down one’s exact species or the cause/origin of one’s identification as nonhuman. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s not valid; just that I don’t personally see the point? All the rules about who gets to call themself otherkin feel constraining to me, because I guess there’s not really any other term that fits, but even that one doesn’t fit that well, so I’m kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So I’m more inclined to just say, yeah, I’m a bird. Do I behave like a bird? Do I have bird instincts? Not really, but I’m still a bird. Adopting an otherkin identity throws a wrench in that, making me feel like a failed nonhuman, because it’s *hard* not to feel invalid when everyone else seems completely different from you. If anything, I feel more valid doing my own thing! I didn’t come to this bird identity because I felt like I was Different somehow and needed to find an explanation for it (been there, done that with the autism, lol). Instead I came to it because it felt good, and right, and it made me happy.

You say since I don’t know if I chose this or not, it’s unlikely to be voluntary. I guess I just… feel weird about this? I don’t really have words to describe it. Maybe it boils down to "does it matter?". And I know when it comes to the term "otherkin", it *does* matter, which is kind of one of my problems with it.

I looked at that daemonism post you reblogged and found myself relating to the way Rook described Tukuxa: "She lacks a shark’s instincts, fears and drives - but her core is still shark." I wouldn’t say I *lack* these things, just that I simply don’t have them. Do I have a human mind in a human brain? Sure, but that doesn’t mean I have to be a human, nor does it make me any less of a bird. It makes me happy to conceptualize myself as a bird, to design my own appearance as a bird with qualities that can’t physically exist in this world, to daydream of flight. Is that such an uncommon experience?

I have a headmate who is a dragon. She was born as a dragon, she looks like a dragon, she simply Is A Dragon. She’s not dragonkin, she’s not based on any fictional dragon, she just… is. (Not to say that dragonkin folks aren’t dragons, just that she doesn’t identify as dragonkin.) But she doesn’t have any of the typical dragon traits you might expect; like me she has a "human mind" in a "human brain", and yet she’s just a dragon. I guess it’s sorta the same with me.

I just feel like it’s better for me to say "I’m [X]" and keep the specifics to myself. Despite these asks, I have no intention of holding my identities up to the scrutiny of others. If I say I’m a thing, I could mean it in a number of ways. Total or partial identification as/with, or even just a passing attachment. Ultimately, it’s my business, and trying to define it beyond just "I am this thing" or "I relate to this thing" or "This thing is me" feels sort of obnoxious? (For context, I do have nonhuman identities other than a bird, I just used that one as an example/shorthand.)

I guess that about covers everything. What do you think? If your followers/anyone who sees this wants to chime in, I’ll be looking at the notes. Thanks again!

(Regarding the 'hearted/'linker stuff, I figured that wasn't what you meant in your previous asks; I just wanted to bring it up because it's a conflation that gets made a lot, accidentally or on purpose.)

Honestly, these are all incredibly valid points, and if you just want to call yourself nonhuman or bird but not otherkin/therian then that's entirely up to you. If the label doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you! You are not obligated to use every label that you technically fit under (gods know I don't), and I didn't mean to imply so - just to make it clear that it's available to you if you do want it. I can see now that I probably kind of missed the point in that response.

And you're right that frankly, even though there is a wide range of experiences under the otherkin umbrella, there's also a set of common experiences that almost everyone seems to share at least a few of, and when you don't share those I can imagine it makes it kind of hard to connect with others in the community. Unfortunately, like I said, I don't know that there's a way around that other than trying to host a platform for those atypical experiences to speak, which is a good idea but probably not very effective in practice because of the sheer numbers game.

So you've decided you're probably better off not trying to make the "otherkin" label or community fit, and that's entirely valid - I guess the question is, what now? If you're wanting to find others with similar experiences to you, you still need somewhere to look, and it seems like this isn't it.

You might want to look into other nonhuman terms - "nonhuman" and "transspecies" come to mind, and while neither of these might fit you, they do collect different subcultures that might be less alienating for you or easier to find others with similar experiences within. The broader "alterhuman" label may also be useful, though that can be a bit like trying to find a needle in a haystack just because of how many things are included in "alterhuman" and I don't know that you'd have any better luck than with "otherkin".

Or you might want to try older platforms, if you haven't already - forums, IRCs if they still exist. The community wasn't always as focused on some of the things you noted as it is now (pinning down a specific species, voluntary vs involuntary, etc.), and platforms with a population that trends toward people who've been around longer sometimes still have more of that culture than Tumblr and Discord tend to, though they come with their own problems of course.

Ultimately, if "I'm a bird" is the easiest way to communicate your experiences, then that's that on that. These words only exist because people find them useful - if you don't find them useful, don't feel like you have to use 'em. As far as finding community when so much of the otherkin community feels alienating to you, I'm afraid that's all I've got - y'all got anything for anon?

[theocanread]

THE CONFERENCE OF THE BIRDS- MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN

Page 150, chapter 6

As you can tell, I uh- I finished Map of Days XD

I finished it Friday. Very frantically, while being distracted and made fun of by my friends XD But I did finish it! And it was great. Very excited to move onto the much shorter and way pinker 5th book in the series :)

So many things to say. It will be incoherent, somewhat. I try my best to write my posts in a way that makes sense, but idk if I can at the moment. (I took my meds today I swear!)

Ok- Noor and Jacob need to stop flirting. Emma and Jacob can have a complex relationship that’s somewhat toxic and on and off. And I really like Noor! But them dating? That’s pushing it. Clearly Emma and Jacob are a bisexual power couple, which is why I tolerate them being in a “straight” relationship. (Straight is in quotations because their relationship doesn’t invalidate what I’ve headcanoned their sexualities to be)

THEY CLEARED UP MY YMBRYNE QUESTION. Holy crap, I was very confused XD I thought their last names were straight up the bird they turned into, which was suspicious. But no, they get their name when they get their ymbryne degrees. Nice thank you, it makes sense now.

Ok I have something that riles need up. Frankie get your bitchass outta here. You had a very cool scene, but screw you. This chic for real was like “fuck consent” with Enoch. He is a person, he is not a toy. People are not toys. Please do not do the things that you do. End of statement.

Dogface is a hoot and a half. He literally xoxo is just trying to make a quick buck and lets the peculiar kids do whatever they want as long as they pay him. He is very cool. I enjoy the boy.

Jacob taking Emma and ENOCH with him to see Miss Peregrine feels like my heart is being given a sticker. Enoch is useful and also friends with Jacob confirmed. It’s been confirmed but- number 1 confirmation was when Enoch gave Jacob flowers when he was recovering. KING, HE’S SO GOOD AT FRIENDSHIP GOOD JOB ENOCH WE’RE PROUD OF YOU.

Also— every character in Miss Peregrine has autism. Maybe not EVERY character. But like, a significant amount. HUGH, MILLARD, FIONA, Bronwyn, Horace…..Maybe Jacob. He thinks he’s neurotypical, but I mean- come on. I have a headcanon about that…. I’ll make a different post for headcanons XD

Horace is, as usual, being a malewife. He made cake. He gave Jacob money for a boat. He is constantly worried for everyone’s safety. The scene where they talk to Miss Avocet about Noor and the prophesy? That whole thing is malewife central for Horace. Or maybe it’s just Horace central and Horace is a malewife and that’s all I can think when he’s mentioned. Idk.

Also Millard and Jacob should kiss. Just saying. I don’t make the rules guys

[uhthatsfineiguess]

ok i need a little reassurance from other autistic people- i am 16 years old and i’m pretty positive i’m autistic. i first realized that i might be autistic when i was about 7, but never said anything because i thought nobody would believe me. i was ostracized as a kid and all of my peers agreed that i was ‘weird’ so i made it part of my identity. i’ve always felt like there was something really thin separating me from everyone else, like i was in a bubble that i couldn’t pop, but whenever i mention these feelings, i am immediately brushed aside by people saying that “everyone feels like that”. i feel like an alien in human skin. i recently starting actively seeking evaluation like 6 months ago but it never went anywhere because people wouldn’t believe me. a few weeks ago, my dad decided to drop the bomb that two different people with psychology degrees (a psychologist and a therapist i saw like twice) suggested that i should be tested for autism. IT TOOK THEM A WHOLE 4 HOURS TO RECOGNIZE MY AUTISTIC TRAITS. my dad, however, did not think this would be important information, so now i’m back at square one. every time i finally feel confident enough to say that i’m autistic someone immediately shoots me down by claiming i’m ‘web-md-ing’ all my symptoms. let me clarify. I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE WEB-MD’D ANYTHING AND TOOK THE ANSWER SERIOUSLY. i have been fascinated with medicine and psychology for as long as i can remember, so i know how to find reliable medical and psychological sources for information because i research a lot for fun. i’m smart enough to know that a google search is not a diagnosis. i’ve read numerous papers and articles about autism, specifically in girls who are considered ‘high functioning’ (which is bullshit but would probably be the label i would be given if diagnosed) and resonated with them deeply, i check the box for pretty much all of the diagnostic criteria, and have even gone through the dsm-5’s section on autism a few times. i feel like i can say confidently that i’m autistic but NOBODY BELIEVES ME STILL. i feel so invalidated after a certain amount of times that i take stupid online autism tests to remind myself that i’m not crazy and this is one of them that i took tonight. i just need some reassurance from another person that’s actually autistic that could maybe give me advice.

[thebeauregardbros]

I feel really stupid that I just had this realization now.

I’ve always been told growing up that I’ll never be accepted by society, that I’ll ultimately be a burden on society and an inconvenience to the flow of it’s existence and to other people. I always felt that I would rather not be seen by anybody than to cause anyone distress on accident just by doing something “not good enough”. The stress of always having to do “my best” (aka: “good enough that nobody could ever complain about it or hate me for it”) makes me produce barely anything at all, because my standard of “best”(”good enough for neurotypical people”) will always be fleeting and uncontrollable. I am so rarely in good enough form to exist for everyone else. It’s funny how I only just now realized how stupid it would be to hold that standard for literally anyone else, no matter how mentally healthy they were or how neurotypical they are. Some people might be “better” at being loved by society as a whole, but is being loved by a fundamentally corrupt and broken system really even worthwhile? Is being liked by the majority really worth it if the majority is wrong? We know for a fact that humanity used to not wash their hands and has majorly lower lifespans, and we moved on from that for the better, but at some point people thought never washing your hands was okay.

I’ve been thinking about how hatred towards people with genetically passed down neurological disorders is a form of scientific racism. I also feel like hatred towards queer people could also be a form of racism if there is physical evidence of differences between homosexual and heterosexual individuals - which there is, in form of weird stuff like finger lengths, estrogen and testosterone levels and other weird subtle chemical studies and the like. If you really get down to it, dark skin can be “cured” by taking the melanin out. It’s a chemical. It’s a minor difference. But black people are still human, we’re all part of the human race, and gay people are normal, but autistic people are still a “disease” to be “cured”? (I want to clarify I am NOT saying autistic white people have it worse than neurotypical black people, I only mean to point out the discrepancy on what qualifies as "scientific racism" as a concept)

Every time I think about how autistic people end up being an actual “burden on society”, it tends to be more often than not that we just get upset and distraught over concepts society has built and insist on maintaining that just doesn’t make sense. We KNOW that there’s no reason why we have daylight savings, we KNOW that basing our entire society’s sleep schedule based on incredibly outdated guidelines for good ecological farming is now invalid when the majority of us in 1st world countries are office workers now, we KNOW that memorization is an ineffective way of teaching our children, we KNOW that forcing children to go to school at 8AM instead of 10AM is not good for their brains, we KNOW that at this point school days last as long as they do as a glorified babysitting service for parents who go to work during the day, we KNOW that people are absolutely capable of doing things online or through email instead of in-person or on the telephone but they refuse to for stupid reasons, we KNOW that shaking hands and making eye contact is actually not that fucking important, and we KNOW that we have the choice to wear comfortable clothes, but as a society these things are just unacceptable because “that’s how they’ve always been” and society as a whole is just not ready to change. It’s not okay that a majority of people just accept things as they are when things are not good for us as a whole.

This is also what the whole “abolish the police” concept that’s been a popular topic this year is all about. We’ve come to a point in natural societal evolution that it would be honestly better to abolish certain major systems that have been proven to be inefficient and corrupt and remake them from the ground up in hopes they would work for the better rather than to continue hanging on to the hope that things can change a comfortably small amount for the better. We know that changing things in only a small way barely helps and ultimately just aids the feeling of letting things change ultimately and overall the same.

I am terrified of talking about these things even when I know I might actually be right because I don’t want someone coming on to ask box who doesn’t want to hear it to bully me, taking something I said out of context to create a callout post telling everyone to avoid me, or otherwise just proving the anti-autism and anti-LGBTQ+ propaganda I’ve heard my entire life right - that I shouldn’t exist. Do you have any idea how hard it is to have the idea completely hammered into your entire being that you shouldn’t exist in this world? That human society isn’t for you. That you shouldn’t even be human, because you basically aren’t if you don’t think like the majority. Because you’re different and never will be the same. You’ll never fit in. You’ll never be welcomed. Living as a ticking time bomb to the day you inevitably say something that's misinterpreted because you said it in a weird way - or god forbid, you express any thought out loud that you haven't researched thoroughly beforehand, and get physically or psychologically beaten to a pump for it.

But then I think about the few times I’ve stepped out of my fear-driven comfort zone and said something truly from my heart, and found nothing but support and admiration from strangers. Something I still often felt was just a fluke or undeserved. Complete imposter syndrome because everything I thought I knew was the opposite of what was actually happening. I was actually being helpful to others. I was actually... worthwhile of society.

I think about the few people who’ve told me that they believe in the concept that maybe, just maybe, the theory that autistic people are part of the natural evolution of humans is actually fundamental to our continued existence, that maybe I am needed in this society to improve it for the better, that maybe my discomfort with a broken system is actually helpful. Maybe me calling attention to all these things will actually open up the eyes to others. Maybe people being different is a good thing. Maybe we can only grow if we see the points of view of people we don’t automatically understand.

And isn’t that obvious?

[silcojinx]

Hank x Connor: Is Hank Connor’s ‘Special Interest’? Long post but important...

Okay so let me start off with a disclaimer....While I am 100% certain that Connor was written to have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) This was not confirmed or denied by the creator or any of the team that worked on Detroit. That said there is actual proof to determine that he, in fact, was written to have ASD. So much proof that it cannot be considered a coincidence. I am NOT self projecting I am simply going over canon facts. Also this is going to be a long post but please stick with me until the end because I am going to explain how this all links to Hank x Connor. 

🌟*it should be noted that I am an adult female on the Autistic spectrum so I can relate to many of these things but I will keep to the facts in the game. Also I am not stereotyping in any way. These are just well known autistic factors that Connor is exhibiting....🌟

So first let me establish what actually fits the bill in terms of Autistic behaviors. So that we can know that Connor canonly has ASD.

1. Connor has a STIM....✅

A STIM or a self-stimulatory behaviour, also known as stimming and self-stimulation, is the repetition of physical movements, sounds, words, or moving objects.  For an autistic person this is an extremely important because this motion can help ease anxiety in stressful situations. 

Connor’s STIM would be flipping his coin. A repetitive motion that he does in stressful and anxiety inducing situations. This makes senses as to where and when we see Connor play around with his coin. 

During the elevator ride to his first mission: 

(thinking about what his mission will be like with anticipation anxiety)

Before meeting Hank for the first time: 

(attributed to social anxiety)

And again in the elevator with Hank in the chapter “Public enemy”: 

(After Amanda tells him “ I may have to replace you Connor...” and “Something’s happening, something serious...Hurry Connor. Time is running out” )

This one is the most telling pieces as the camera shot pans to Connor’s face and the blank stare he has tells the tale of the thoughts that are bothering him and stimming is almost an unconscious decision meant to make the stimmer feel at ease with their own nerves by distracting the brain with repetitive motions. Think of stimming as an outward expression of the abundant thoughts that run quickly through the Autistic person’s mind. 

2. Connor Reconstructs while Markus Pre-constructs✅

This is a big part of ASD for a lot of autistic people (myself included) and this is a literal translation into physical form of what we/they go through on a daily basis and this has to do with impulse control and executive function (or the ability to control your impulses)

Executive dysfunction, which is common in people with autism, refers to a lack of one or more of the common executive skills or a tendency of these skills to require more time and effort than they usually do for other people. 

This is also applied to Connor through the “Reconstructing function” that was programmed into his model. And once again there is proof that he not only doesn’t think about the consequences before acting but that he also has more trouble then the “normal android” when it comes to pre-constructing or thinking about the actions he takes first.

When Markus preconstructs a scenario this is essentially him thinking about how to do things before hand as we can see that he has the ability to warn himself of impending dangers.

As he thinks about the options carefully and in detail (like in the GIF above) he knows the option he is trying to take is dangerous because it “would be too high” to reach. 

The earliest we see Connor do anything even remotely close to preconstructing (prior to meeting Markus and we will talk about that in a minute) is the chase scene when he is running after Rupert...

 By pressing R2 you can see the different options and this means that Connor can actively assess the situation however it is not in as much detail as Markus’. He sees that it is dangerous but he has no clue about what would happen if he takes the route he chooses as his assessment is only “Fast but risky” or “Safe but slow” so he actually not predicting outcomes. It is also worth noting that in his Reconstruct mode he can only rewind the events after they have already taken place. This means that he didn’t need to think about the events leading up to the end result he just watches the playback after the crime has already been committed. 

This is Connor not being able to see the end result of his actions similar to how impulse control problems happen in Autistic people....the action is taken and then reflected upon which can be dangerous and even deadly in many situations.

The difficulty that Connor experiences with actually executing a full Pre-construction is shown in the game as well as he is only able to run a full pre- construction after meeting Markus. All interactions was reconstructing until this point.

 This brings me to Connor’s social interactions as lack of impulse control, basic understanding of human emotions, and what is appropriate vs what is not to say in public is prominent in Connor’s dialogue.

3. Connor does not understand implications or jokes✅

Who could forget the first time Connor met Hank in the bar and Hank sarcastically asks Connor if he “knows where he can stick his instructions” Connor looks  confused and replies...”No...Where?”

He wasn’t trying to be funny he really did not get the joke nor the implication that Hank was trying to make here and asked with genuine intrigue. It is typically the case that most people with Autism (again including myself) they do not understand jokes or how to respond to them. Being analytical in nature some jokes are beyond them and they just do not know how to respond. Its common for males in particular on the autistic spectrum to over analyze the situation and think that the joke is actually serious communicating.

So we hit 3 major ASD traits:

1. Connor has a STIM ✅

2. Connor has impulse control problems✅

3. Connor has trouble with social skills✅

And that is just the tip of the iceburg....but lets move on. Another thing that Autistic people tend to do is have a special interest. This is something that the autistic person becomes emotionally attached to and wants to learn everything about.

  “ One characteristic or autistic trait that is commonly seen in individuals with autism spectrum disorders, or Asperger’s Syndrome is a preoccupation with areas of “special interests.” So common is this trait of autism that it is listed as one of the diagnostic criteria of the disorder.” - Jeannie Davide-Rivera of aspiewriter.com

So what is Connor’s special interest you ask? And how did it develop?

Well lets start with the latter. A special interest starts with a pique of interest. (which I believe to be the scene at Jimmy’s bar) Then it evolves into a desire to learn everything about the subject and then share that knowledge with everyone else. The autistic person then dedicates every second of their free time to learning about and talking about the subject they have chosen.

“Most people with autism have particular favorite subjects. Special interests can simply be like hobbies or careers only more so: someone on the spectrum can dedicate an immense amount of time to their special interest, even dedicating every free moment to it.” -AmbitiousAboutAutism.org.uk

So what does Connor do in his free time?

At the Office.... (this is Connor learning about Hank after the initial pique of interest in his spare time at the office)

At Hank’s House it becomes an objective.... (This is Connor wanting to “Learn more about Hank” in his free time at Hank’s house *Notice “LEARN MORE is in bold white text while the rest is normal)

There is even a trophy for this if you learn everything there is to know about Hank.

My conclusion is yes, Hank is Connor’s ‘Special Interest’ 

“Furthermore, and maybe most importantly, these interests feed the autistic mind and soul. It is what calms, focuses, and brings pleasure. It is a way that these individuals decompress from a stressful day; a way to shut out the world for a while in order to refocus and recharge.” - Jeannie Davide-Rivera  at aspiewriter.com

But there is another side to the symbolic flipping of Connor’s coin here. And that is an obsession. The way Detroit is written never ceases to amaze me at how in depth they take their symbolism and this is no different as Hank is meant to represent the “special interest” there is also one other thing that Connor can ultimately care about and that is his mission.

The two paths you can take as Connor comes down to Hank or The Mission..... Hank is the good healthy way of dealing with a “special interest” and the mission? Connor going down “machine path” is symbolic for an interest (the mission) becoming and absolute OBSESSION. And it is important to note the difference between Special interest and Obsession.  

A special interest is something with special meaning and emotional attachment for the autistic person that they are willing to put in a lot of time and energy in their free time to learn about and this is also different from a hobby in the amount of time thinking about the subject in said free time. Where as an obsession has climbed to a point that the autistic person can no longer think of anything but the subject...like everything else becomes invalid to them.

I have heard a unanimous verdict among fans (<---me included) that machine Connor is “scary” and why do you think that is? It is because literally nothing matters to him but the mission. 

He becomes cold, distant, and obsessed.

“When intensity and focus on an activity excludes everything else in the person’s life, the interest may be spiraling out of control. It is not uncommon for an autistic person to focus for hours on end engrossed in their area of interest. The intensity of focus shuts out the world around them to the point that hours and days can go by without even a thought of eating. Interruptions are unwelcomed, and can cause feelings of anger to surface. Even a routine bathroom break is seen as an unwanted interruption and source of irritation.” - Jeannie Davide-Rivera  aspiewriter.com

So when the interest becomes an obsession any interruption of them thinking about the subject is unwelcome and they become ANGRY.

In the Gif above Connor is too far into his “machine path” or no longer feels the emotions that come with a ‘special interest’ (or Hank) and is instead into the “obsessed path” He no longer even cares about DYING. Instead with his last words are “We’ll meet again Markus.....This isnt over” 

He no longer cares about himself “The mission is all that matters”

Also it is important to note that this is a MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLE.

And I can’t get over the fact that there is so many messages within this game. Cyberlife made Connor a deviant from the start in order to learn in real time how deviants think and act in certain situations. (<---as stated in my previous theory about Connor) So it is not far fetched to say that Cyberlife made him AUTISTIC from the start learning both how to stamp out deviance AND take control of mental health “problems” in one fell swoop. This also makes a point about society and how they view Autism and mental health problems in general....as if they are a “glitch” in your code and needs to be “dealt with” or “cured”

But the silver lining of this is there is another option for Connor. Another message this game gives is that one person can make the difference in the struggle with your mental health problem if they give the unconditional love and support that you need...

*BONUS* Autism Speaks color is blue...

[mentalillnessmouse]

(part 1) ~Hey. So, I wanted to ask someone but idk... So I got a referral to test for autism bc a lot of stuff seemed to match up, and I've got other issues, adhd and stuff, and the appointment I had with the testing place was a bit terrifying but I did it anyway. And we get to the end of the appt after talking about a bunch of issues and stuff, and the Dr says, "I think you just need to do something that scares the hell out of you." That hurt and confused me a lot...

(part 2) ~I mean I understand the need to step out of my comfort zone, but I *have* and *do* push myself to do things that I don’t like and that terrify me. Big and small things! So I don’t understand why he would say that? Maybe he meant something different, but the way he said it sounded like if I did one huge scary thing all of a sudden my life would be better? Which makes no sense, because mental health is about building better patterns with small but important steps! Even I know that!!

(part 3) ~My mom said that I should just forget about what he said. But it’s hard to do that when I feel like I laid my heart on the table to someone whose job is to help me, only for them to say a sentence that minimizes every effort I’ve made and to say that I’m not trying hard enough.

(part 4) ~It’s been over a year since then and it still really hurts. I’m sorry this isn’t really the type of question you guys get, but I just really need to know from an outside perspective if I’m making too big a deal of this?? Is he right?? (Sorry this is cut up weird) thanks

Hey anon,

Having an outside perspective can help a lot when it comes to these situations, so sending in this question to us is no problem. I will say that if you are feeling this invalidated by this experience, I don’t think you are making a big deal out of it.

I’m sorry this meeting with your doctor had a negative impact on you. I will say that, because I’m not your doctor, I won’t know what their intentions were behind that statement. If they meant doing a single scary thing would make your life suddenly better, they are not a good doctor. Feeling so invalidated when you are looking for personal help like this can feel like a setback or personal failing of your own, so it makes sense why you would feel hurt over this issue. The amount of time that has passed doesn’t matter when you feel so brushed off especially in this kind of situation. It’s understandable if there is still some hurt left behind from this even if it feels like it has been a long time

As you mentioned, handling your mental health is about building up better patterns slowly but surely. It’s great to hear that you do on occasion step outside of your comfort zone while knowing that you need to build up good patterns. Acknowledge your own personal strength in being able to move forward despite this experience putting you down. You’ve done great knowing your limits and doing a single scary thing doesn’t suddenly make a person’s life better.

My hope is that the more you validate the knowledge you already have of mental health/habits and your own strength in knowing your limits as well, the less you will feel hurt from this meeting. At the end of the day, remember they are just a single person. If you are continuing to look for ways to improve your life/mental health, I can only hope that you come across someone who listens to you fully and doesn’t make you feel invalid in the same manner as this doctor. I know they’re out there somewhere.

I hope this helps at least somewhat anon! Best of luck to you and feel free to message us again anytime.

- Xan

[nobilitae-blog]

SO here’s a handful of hc’s with no particular relation to one another. 

-- jeralts lowkey that dude from dodgeball who throws a wrench an tells u ‘if u can dodge a wrench u can dodge a ball’. can’t imagine him being as intense as that, maybe, but like...he def gives off a “YOU KIDS HAVE NO UPPER BODY STRENGTH! STREET SMARTS!” vibe. anyway, what im saying here is, he probably gave byleth like a whole lotta firsthand experience and training lol. *drops a hammer by accident, bends over to pick it up* Y-yeahh....STREET SMARTS. 

-- this is sort of a bigger one and one tht i wanted to supplement with caps from supports and canon dialogue but i dont really care to atm, but, (i fold my hands together) ferdinand can definitely be interpreted as a person with autism and theres a lot of evidence to support my reasoning. also im partial to believing so bec of personal reasons. but. ANYWAY. take into consideration his difficulty to read social situations and properly respond to them like...every time he talks to his classmates; difficulty interpreting the tone / body language of his classmates and professors; strong affinity and fixation on historic events and recounting them / fixation on minutiae of weapons, weapon development, armour, and independent histories surrounding each of the former (which greatly strays from the ‘noble etiquette’ that the other students r necessarily taught and trained to know; like, its clearly a very big interest for him that goes beyond just ‘having’ to know it as a noble). like i think its easy to mistake a lot of what he says pre-timeskip as his huge ego impeding everything but i don’t think thats entirely a fair read of his character; like yea that plays into some of it, of course, (even tho i think theres reason to question just how big his ego is in the first place. ie., i dont think its that simple, given how insecure he is, but i digress), but licherally in 90% of his supports ppl dont get angry bec hes talking abt things that concern even himself its more like frustration with how he cant entirely ‘read the room’, as it were, lol. and coupled with that! he has a large amount of trouble understanding ‘what’ he does wrong when he annoys people; which, again, yeah you can probably just chalk up to ‘oh he doesnt pay attention to the ppl he talks to bc hes so full of himself’ which isn’t an invalid interpretation of his character but i think that it misses the mark just a little. if anything, i think that ferdinands biggest flaw is that he pushes his own methodology and ways of thinking on others before he comes to understand their side of things (but never fails 2 apologize and try to come from a more empathetic / understanding point of view after the matter...anyway, im getting away from myself lol). like i could go on in greater detail abt the other points ive made but at this point im like...does n e 1 care, is it just me reading this, who thinks this hard about a certified himbo named ferdinand. i really wish i didnt. 

-- i have a metric tonne of thoughts about dedue and his family pre-duscur but this post is already getting so long but tl;dr i feel like having been the son of a talented blacksmith, he’d know a lot about the finer things re: weapons and smithing, and see the refinement of them and the artistry in making them but i feel too like that side of smithing is sort of stained for him now. in a lot of ways dedue is a person who values practicality, too, like why would you want a beautiful weapon, a thing of death and instrument of war, it’s almost like it glorifies the tool that kills us; weapons honed in beauty almost belie their meaning, and is that a good thing or a bad thing, or is that simply a thing? i think it’s unfair, though, to solidify so much of his personality in a tragedy that happened. he probably respected his father and admired the skill and discipline that hailed from being a blacksmith, but clearly dedue values artistry more so than such practical vocations. he likes gardening and cooking and art and beautiful things and it’s actually really saddening that he’s classed into this stereotype of ‘gentle-but-stern-faced-giant’ bc its so much more than that. anyway stan talent, stan dedue.

[aroworlds]

My personal life is, at the moment, not good.

I had to fire my most recent psychologist this week after a conversation in which I tried to explain my distress over her belief that my family’s cisheterosexism isn’t something that should upset me. It was a rather awesomely-horrifying conversation in that she, a cishet, used seven different ways in a ten minute space to tell me that I am an ill, irrational, intolerant, overreacting person who has no right to be upset over something she denies as hurtful even though she has never herself experienced cissexism, heterosexism or exorsexism.

The conversation didn’t surprise me; I’ve endured a lifetime of similar invalidation. (It’s why I’m so desperately afraid to talk to people about things that hurt me, because they will use my mental illnesses or autism to deny my hurt any relevancy.) I didn’t expect the sheer degree of invalidation I copped, but I wasn’t surprised by it. Kind of hard not to be when this psychologist told me I should take my mother’s criticism that my fiction is “too gay” to “be beautiful to [her]” as a positive comment I can learn from.

(Although being called “intolerant” by said psychologist for being upset about my family’s having conversations that deny the legitimacy of my gender identity and disliking the psychologist’s “but people are entitled to their opinions and you can choose your own reactions” response to my pain was a new one. It’s intolerant to be hurt that your own family deny your lack of gender? And I am so tired of this toxic victim-blaming idea where we’re telling people who are hurt to control their reactions instead of telling people who are causing harm to stop causing harm. Shouldn’t a psychologist know better?)

But since I feared it would go that way, I’d spent the weeks between the session that contained the initial combination of cissexism and heterosexism and the session in which I fired her caught up in dread and panic. And something not being a surprise doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I also have difficulty trusting people, and having a psychologist do this to me hits too many metaphorical once-broken bones.

(I think it’s worse, too, because having a psychologist validate Mum’s cisheterosexism as reasonable removes all chance of later discussion. An official, professional cishet validated a cishet’s cisheterosexism, so while Mum thought me overreacting and sensitive in the first place, now I’m really overreacting because the psychologist made the case that the problem is me. Someone with authority confirmed that Mum’s dismissal, erasure and denial is right and reasonable. How do I get around that when Mum has zero interest in learning about queer anything or learning how to support me?)

I’ve been a mess, emotionally, mentally, physically, this last month. My anxiety is through the roof, my depression is only mild compared to the anxiety, I’m in a good amount of usual pain, and the stress on my body has resulted in new/unusual pain sites as well as new sores and old dermatitis flaring up. I’m having to try and pretend that I’m okay around my family, so I’m faking being “happy” when the truth is that I can’t concentrate and I’m about one wrong thought from crying at any given time. I’m tired and hurting and spending most of my time trying not to think.

Thankfully, I have a really good psychiatrist, even if I can’t see him on a very regular basis (blame our healthcare system). We talked, he affirmed that this is all some next-level invalidation and feeling like I do right now is not an optional part of the experience (damn it), and I need a med team that’s queer-affirming and queer-supportive for transition options, support and just survival. So that’s the new goal for this year, although I’m not sure how I’m going to afford some of this. I do feel that I can’t, I really can’t, survive this sort of experience with another general completely-government-funded, government-assigned psychologist or mental health worker. I need people who are on board with my queerness, with my transness, maybe even with my aromanticism, and won’t engage in the cissexism of believing that I have no right to be upset at my parents’ cissexism.

Tomorrow, I’ve got to have a procedure for a cyst removal (that wasn’t a problem before this last month). I‘m not sure how that’s going to go or if it’s going to be worse than other small lesion removals. I hope it goes okay.

(I can’t sleep properly; I keep hitting it with my hand in my sleep and waking myself up because ow. On the upside, I do already own about thirty different bandannas, so at least my wardrobe is suited for covering up the cyst and then covering up the wound and the scar until my hair grows back in.)

So, I’m struggling, I’m tired, I’ve got a gross sore on my head, I’ve learnt again that I am justified in not trusting people, I now have to struggle with finding new people, I can’t really concentrate on anything, I don’t have a psychologist for support, I have to pretend that I’m okay around my family when I’m not, and my life is pretty much dedicated to distracting myself from hurting.

I actually do have an idea (a themed week) for AAW regarding creative responses and responses about creativity and representation. I think it’s worth admitting that chances are exceptionally high that I will struggle to keep up with responses. If folks don’t mind that folks’ responses are more likely to get tossed into the draft folder and reblogged/posted when I have spoons, I may post it anyway, because there’s no such thing as too much creativity. I just may not be able to cope with it in as timely a fashion as I’d like to.

Thank you so much for reading this monster of a post. I hope, given time, that I’ll heal just enough that I can keep up with more things again.

[themeed]

well i managed to crawl out for a month but uh. last night was a big trigger fest.

went to my friends with another friend. they complimented me on my weight loss and said it was obvious i had lost a shitton. (which. like 20 pounds, yeah, i... guess thats a lot but its not Enough).

other friend struggled w ed in middle school. their mom made some Comments recently and now they're uncomfy and they asked about weight loss. friend we were visiting said they could stand to lose maybe 15 or 20 pounds if they wanted, but they certainly dont qualify as fat.

which. is the same amount as they congratulated me on.

we all compared body types and fat content. comments on our thighs and stomachs and backs and chests.

and i am now. wearing my comfort hoodie. watching youtbe. dissociating. ive had 630 calories today because i know i cant restrict super hard so fast. i smiled this morning after skipping dinner and waking up hungry, that lovely hunger that aches but doesn't hurt. you know you could eat but you're not Hungry hungry even if you can feel your empty stomach. its... a good feeling.

im gonna have a sandwich and some ice cream for my second and final meal for the day and itll probably be some... 430 cal, ending around 1060 for the day.

gods. i want to go to sleep. i want to lie down and waste away.

on the way home a song from my mental loop playlist came on. then one from a self harm perspective. my friend and i listened to an anxiety vent playlist. scream sang the whole way. it didnt help. made it worse?

maybe.

im not doing so hot. im worried about my job status too. and rent and my dads birthday.

i think im gonna go pass out. this totally counts as my journal for the new List Of Organization.

i pasted it on my freezer fridge door.

ive made progress recently, in terms of philosophy and uncovering and understanding my issues. responsibility and suicidal thoughts and attachment issues and how much im hurting and have been hurt and dissociation as a coping mechanism for mental and emotional abuse and then as an anxiety mechanism too. and to cope with school and the boredom and not being able to do what i want and the lack of freedom.

i dont know if ill ever get to the point where i uncover why i hate not being free in my own definition. like thats such a core part of who i am and i am terrified of that being rooted in abuse. if i dont value freedom who am i? but also... i think ive always valued freedom. i think how i approach it has changed. when i was small i didnt care about the opinions of others and their actions or anything. but here i am now caring a Lot. and part of that is... in later elementary, from then on, peoples opinions and words started precluding actions that infringed on my routines and worldview. and then it scaled into full on abuse by my mother. words started mattering a whole FUCKING lot, and actions as well. words had to be careful, actions could be covered up with the right motive and words. a tool for power and put downs. and i hated it and feared it.

and when i started fearing others, noticed how i wasnt free to Be anymore... i started panicking and dissociating and i couldnt handle NOT being me so i stopped.

i stopped being me because i couldnt stand to see me destroyed or warped or killed by the spirits of envy and hatred all around me.

that makes it sound so poetic, but i was scared and it was terrible and awful and scary. and i cant say i regret it because im still not me.

ill never be the same me again. im not even fully me of now.

freedom is. so important to me. it sucks that that was put in jeopardy. that a singular sun in my world was destroyed on someone else's whims, for someone else's COMFORT. as if the mind of child is something okay to smother when they disagree with you.

fuck that. i hate her. i hate this. i hate that this happened. i hate that im not me. i cant hate myself. i cant even be myself and i hate that fact its frustrating.

im making progress but i dont know if i can even hit a point where i comfy enough to be me. if i can reach an understanding with the others and stope fearing. if theyll ever stop being frustrated with me long enough for us to effectively communicate. if we can. if its fair for me to expect or ask explanations for emotions and rules. if its okay. if ill ever be okay again.

im crying now.

im gonna get some water and curl up.

just asked that we all have access to this journal here in the system. i.

im scattered. hey, more progress ig.

insight, at least.

i need a therapist but i dont know if im willing to trust someone with all of these innermost thoughts and ideas and the backstory. i dont know if i can trust a strangers judgement.

what if they call me a liar and call it a day?

yea we can just move on and find a new therapist. it will hurt though. leave us with more issues. devastating to be invalidated by someone with a license. like yea the system has issues and all and you cant guarentee people dont have bias or are otherwise a good fit or even fit for the job every time. it still sucks that i have to go into this with that uncertainty. it makes it harder and easier, i think, to know that. therapists are imperfect, theyre people just like you and me. i just. thats more comforting than i thought it would be. i thought realizing they were professionals meant like. their word has to be taken as holy or some shit. no it doesnt theyre people. theyre trained, but quality control is questionable and bias is extensive and training is sometimes pretty niche. i need to look for someone specifically trained in like. 4 or 5 things. like. anxiety, depression, borderline, osdd/did, autism, add/adhd, possibly ocd, and DEFINITELY cptsd. i dont know what exactly i have but i know i have more than one and i kinda need to work through a shitton and find out whats UP. seriously. i might need medication. id like to try cbt/dbt first and work on integration/personal identity first. but holy SHIT.

im not mentioning ed beyond In The Past if i can help it ahfjfsgkf. like ed i have in hand. i know its a way to feel in control because im afraid of the world and also to approach the body i want, fulfill society standards in a way i wish i didnt care at all about but i do care at least a little despite my denial, and to combat dysphoria/prepare for top surgery.

gods above. im kinda fucked up huh. like more at once than i think is possible and i might be giving myself more issues if i dont handle my new job in a healthy way.

fuck.

anyway. yeah. im back. im not better than ever but im making progress. todays a bad mental health day so far. i want to lose another 10 pounds before i see a therapist just in case. if they say i should try losing weight i am going to glare flatly and absolutely spill how much ive lost but not the timeline or ed habits. but yknow. 165 or so before starting? puts me solidly in the Chubby At First Glance But Not Super Overweight category.

me and my friends also tried to weigh my tits the other day. kitchen scale and leaning down put them at 4.5 lbs each, theyre big enough to try, but thats probably an understimation by like, 40% just by sheer volume. thats like. 10, 15 pounds minimum of boob weight. i want it gone. gone. away please. off my body. no tits or an A cup. and an A cup is highly unlikely so full top it is.

gods. okay ive gone on long enough im going to get water and lay down now. im still dissociating pretty heavily.

[fourteenacross]

hi i was just curious based on reading your fic, do you hc alexander as autistic? i just noticed that in your ghosthunting stories the ways he thinks and feels and interprets things, like he's so literal sometimes and needs everything (like relationships and feelings) spelled out plainly for him and he's blunt and the way he fixates on things and a few other things. i don't know if it's intentional i'm just curious, thamks.

Sorry it’s taken me a couple days to answer this, anon, but I wanted to make sure I did it some kind of justice. I’m not on the autism spectrum myself, and while I have a mild amount of education on it due to my day job and have some friends who are, I have zero expertise in the area and no lived-experience (as we say in my line of work) and it’s important to me not to, you know, be an asshole in crafting a response.

Which is all to say, I didn’t intentionally set out to write Alexander that way, no. HOWEVER, I think that’s a super-valid read on what I did put on the page, and I can absolutely see why you’d have that interpretation. Death of the author, etc–please feel free to read any of my characters however you want to read them. I’m not going to tell you to stop or that you’re wrong, just that it was not something I thought about while actually developing the character. That doesn’t mean it’s not there or invalid–totally the opposite. 

I’m maybe WAY overthinking my response–probably you were just looking for like, “Yup!” or “Nope, but sail on sailor!”–but I just reeeaaaaally want to not be an asshole about this and make it 900% clear that you should keep on keeping on with that reading!