#meaningful deaths and important side characters

[silverwhittlingknife]

When people say that Dick “has a temper” what do they mean?  Is he the type to blow up over an inconvenience, be impatient, or rage-quit?

Ahhhh, I had a lot of fun with this. Thanks for the ask, anon. <3

My main feeling about Dick's temper is it's an important part of his characterization, and it's a fun part of his characterization, but I also try not to overemphasize it? A lot of my thoughts are here; also @theflyingwonder has some good panel collections here and here and here if you want to see what Dick generally looks like when he's grumpy about something.

General thoughts / caveats:

Anger is obviously not the only emotion Dick ever feels!! He feels many other emotions too!! The fact that he is capable of getting really angry sometimes does not mean that he is angry all the time!!

He's a person who feels emotions very deeply - anger, love, loyalty, etc. - but also has a very conflicted relationship with his emotions. He aspires to be perfectly controlled, like he imagines Bruce is, and he's ashamed of moments when he loses control. Because he's wound pretty tight and represses a lot, his emotions can be a bit explosive when he loses his grip on them.

I would never describe him as "an angry person." He doesn't walk around fuming at the world and looking for things to be mad about, y'know? He's a person who wants to be optimistic and tries to be optimistic. This very much includes when he's Robin.

He wouldn't blow up over an inconvenience unless he was already really upset about something more serious. But yeah, if he's upset about something important, sometimes he'll lash out at whatever's closest.

He's methodical and focused; he'll sometimes get impatient when he's, say, bored by his friends' TV preferences, and in general he gets restless and likes to be moving, but if he's got a challenging task to complete he's completely capable of hyper-focusing on it.

In his civilian life, he generally has a pretty good grip on the anger - so e.g. I don't remember him ever shouting at Clancy or civilian friends in general. When a reporter tries to get dirt on him by interviewing his neighbors at his apartment complex, they universally gush about how nice he is.

Meanwhile, in his vigilante life, he's got a rigid moral code and a rigid sense of duty. He cares a lot about helping people and protecting civilians, and he's emotionally-fulfilled by it, and he can be very kind. But he's also a super-intense person who takes his responsibilities seriously, and he'll get sharp with people that he feels aren't being serious enough. He only screws around when he's with people who are very serious themselves, like Bruce.

In an argument, Dick's generally direct and confrontational: he'll snap at you to your face, not sulk behind your back. Even when he's being a bit more passive-aggressive, he's not subtle about it. If Dick's annoyed with you, you'll know. If he doesn't like you, he makes it obvious.

Jean-Paul: I've seen you with Robin - you like Robin. Dick: You got a problem with Robin? Jean-Paul: No! I like Robin, too. He's an exceptional young man. I just mean... it's obvious when you like someone. And equally obvious that you don't like me. (GK 14)

Dick's just a very dynamic character in general, rather than a static one. When he's relaxed, he can be very easygoing and friendly; if you get off on the wrong foot with him, he's prickly and often harsh. He's got a very serious core, a strong sense of principle, and a passionate sense of loyalty to the people he cares about. Here's a light-hearted moment with Dick and Tim fooling around playing tag:

Dick (grabbing Tim from above): Gotcha! Tim: Augh! (B: Transference)

This is from the exact same arc as the panel at the top - but before Hugo Strange almost kills Bruce. And just in general I think this panel is a good reminder that Dick does all kinds of things that are not about being angry, that he's also the person who keeps Tim fed and repeatedly saves him from falling, that sometimes he'll pour his heart out to Bruce, that he really really really loves his friends, and so on.

Now, all that said, if you would like an extensive deep dive into Dick yelling at people (and really, who wouldn't? yelling is fun!), I've collected a super-long list of quotes which I've attempted to corral into organization. Below the cut:

Dick vs. criminals

Dick vs. Bruce

Dick + list of reasons he gets upset

Dick + annoyance at friends/teammates

Dick + lashing out at loved ones (rare! but, uh, very memorable)

Dick + first meetings with future siblings (+Steph)

In conclusion

Anger at Criminals

Dick's temper is an important part of how he thinks of himself: he's intensely self-aware about his temper and also conflicted about it. It comes up most often when he's fighting criminals, especially when they're threatening people he loves:

Dick (internally): At first, I couldn't believe what they were saying… but as the truth sank in, I felt a rage growing so great inside me - that it felt like I was just a part of the anger, instead of it being a part of me. Kid!Dick: Those animals! They murdered my mother and father! I'm going to the police! Bruce: No... not yet. (Secret Origins 13) Deathwing: You've been so angry for so long, Dick. Learn to accept it because you have no choice. You will become me, Dick, and I know because I am your worst nightmare! I am you! Dick: Never! I'm not you and I'll never be you! Yeah, I get angry. Sometimes I get so pissed I want to break everything in sight. But everyone gets mad. Everyone gets frustrated. But I don't fight out of anger! I fight when there's something wrong that needs to be stopped! And that's why I'll never be you! I don't fight to kill - I fight to protect! And what you said about Batman - well, pal, screw you. He's the best mentor anyone ever had! (NT 100) Dick (internally): I hit him harder than I should. Not sure why. It worries me that it feels so right. (N 2) Dick: I thought I was more in control than that. But I lost it. Tim: It was made right, Dick. The Joker is alive and not well in a maximum security cell. Dick: It’s not right with me. I never thought I could be a killer. I’m wrong. There’s a part of me I never saw before. The rage. I never felt anger like that. I feel like it clawed me up inside. (N 64) Dick (internally): Nothing Jason says can be taken for truth. He says Tim is dead. I'll need more proof than his word and an empty cowl. Because right now, I need to keep that hope alive. If for nothing else, then to keep me from losing control… and I won't let that happen. Can't let that happen. Can't. Dick (punching Jason): WHERE IS HE, JASON? Jason: Depends on what kind of life he led. Dick (breaking Jason's nose, then internally): There goes his nose. Control your anger. (BftC 3) Jason (internally): Dick is different from Bruce. In the way he fights. In the way he thinks. And the way he feels. And he gets angry. Really angry. That anger, it'd make him a great Batman, if he'd let it. He's trying too much to be like him.  The good son. Man, I hate him.  (B&R 25)

So something you'll notice about all of these moments is that Dick isn't proud of his anger. He doesn't experience it as cathartic, and he isn't proud of the things he does when he's angry. His anger is an enemy; it's the person he doesn't want to be, to the extent that after the fact being angry almost feels like an out-of-body experience, because in the burn of anger he'll do things that his conscious mind rejects.

I tend to think of anger for Dick as akin to a temptation. He's strong and talented and smart. He's capable of really hurting people. He also believes - viscerally, fiercely - that it's wrong to do so.

Worth remembering: Dick's big confrontation with Zucco, in most of his origin stories, involves taking the photo that gets him arrested:

Dick (remembering): Twenty-four hours later, we were on the trail of Boss Zucco... and when he murdered his own henchman, I took the photo that sent Zucco to prison! (Secret Origins 13)

And in Batman: Year Three, he's furious when he thinks that Bruce might have arranged for Zucco to get killed - when Dick's calm and thinking clearly, he believes it's wrong to kill even people who are clearly evil. It's only when he's swept up in emotion that he'll get violent.

Anger at Bruce

... Look, I had to give Bruce his own category.

Dick and Bruce have a lot of fights. Like, a lot of fights.

Now, this isn't at all particular to Dick! Dick's just one of many, many, many people in Bruce's life who periodically get fed up with him. So I wouldn't gloss this as Dick being unusually short-tempered - post-Crisis Bruce would provoke a saint (and does! at one point Clark briefly votes him out of the JLA!). And Dick doesn't always get angry when Bruce is being a jerk to him - sometimes he's just discouraged, or depressed.

But at the same time, Dick's not a pushover, and when he's sufficiently provoked, he'll often track Bruce down to confront him / demand an explanation / demand better behavior / etc. Paradoxically, I actually tend to see these confrontations as an expression of Dick's faith in Bruce. He gets angry because he expects better.

Here's a small sampling of Dick-angry-at-Bruce moments (some confrontations, some where Dick's just fuming on his own):

Bruce: Listen to me. Dick: Listen to you? You hand Gotham over to that nutcase altar boy. You leave this kid out to dry without a snowball's chance. Then you throw everything you’ve lived for aside like it was nothing! Killing this creep doesn’t make you as bad as the scum we hunt. It makes you worse. Because they never stood for anything. (R 8) Dick: If you say anything about 'finding myself,' I think I'll puke. Bruce: I thought you'd be glad to see me back. Dick: That depends on why you came back. Bruce: To take up the mantle again. To take back my place. Dick: For how long this time? Bruce: Not now, Dick. We can talk about this when - Dick: Right now. We're settling this right now, Bruce. (R 12 - Bruce has abruptly reappeared in the Batcave after leaving Dick and Tim in charge during Prodigal)

Dick: It was you who told us to stay out of Gotham. I’ve got a life here. I can’t just walk away from that. You’ll have to - (Bruce hangs up on him) Damn you! (N 34 - Bruce has been AWOL for months and now abruptly summons Dick to join him in No Man's Land) Dick (internally): Bruce is playing martyr. Keeping us at a distance. […] Why does it have to be this way with us? WHY? (He punches his car, and his hand comes away bloody.) Uncontrollable rage. The same rage I felt when I killed the Joker. Thought I had it under control. (N 65 - Bruce is accused of murder and freezing out the Bats) Bruce: What are you doing out of bed? Dick: You did it again, didn't you? You pushed everyone away! (N 99) Bruce: I assume this isn't a social call? Dick: What the hell is the matter with you? I mean, aside from the obvious! Ignoring the many layers of denial, and the fifty feet of psychological body armor that you throw up to avoid feeling anything! Aside from that! And the pathological need to control everything on Earth and beyond! Ignoring all that! What exactly is your compulsion, your burning desire to deceive, lie, and manipulate the only people who give a good god damn about you?! Bruce: You getting to a point? (O 21 - Dick just found out that Bruce was secretly funding the Outsiders)

Dick's relationship with Bruce is Complicated (TM), because he's also incredibly loyal, and - despite everything - he loves Bruce a lot. A lot of Dick's anger comes out of this frustrated loyalty - Dick feels betrayed and hurt because he loves Bruce so much. Here's a panel from later in Outsiders 21:

Bruce: You shouldn't place that much faith in me. Dick: I have more faith in you than anyone.

Reasons why Dick gets angry: an incomplete list

So if Dick isn't really the type to, say, rage-quit a game, then what does he get angry about (other than criminals and Bruce in general)?

I've tried to loosely categorize what seem to me to be the main things that can make him lose his temper:

as above, somebody Dick loves has been hurt and he's furious at the person who did it (so e.g. trying to kill the Wildebeests when they threaten the Titans, trying to kill Hugo Strange for trying to kill Bruce, lashing out at Tumult when he hurts Tim),

he's feeling attacked or betrayed and he's lashing out in self-defense (so e.g. a lot of the fights with Bruce, punching Roy after Roy fires him in New Titans, or calling Roy a junkie when Roy tells him he's just like Bruce in Outsiders, or yelling at Tim when Tim's insisting he should be Robin again),

he's angry about a lack of loyalty (so e.g. he's furious and feels betrayed when he learns that Bruce has replaced him with Jason; he's angry at Bruce for picking Azrael as Batman instead of Dick; he's angry at Tim when Tim suggests Bruce might be a murderer)

he's jealous (so e.g. he's hurt and angry when Kory marries someone else; his resentment of Azrael is much more about Bruce than it is about Azrael)

he's angry at another vigilante for behaving too violently/irresponsibly (so e.g. he has multiple fights with Kory insisting that she can't kill anyone; he's similarly furious with Bruce when he thinks Bruce has tried to kill someone; he snaps at the Titans in general after a failed mission; he's harsh about Tim and his team during Graduation Day)

he's unhappy and taking it out on someone else, often to drive them away (so e.g. he snaps at Donna and Alfred when he's depressed about Kory's marriage - arguably there's some supernatural influence here, but IMO he'd do it anyway; he gets snappish with Tim when he's depressed about his own lack of progress with Chulo/in Blüdhaven and also when he's actually mad at Bruce about Jean-Paul; he's very harsh to Babs and Wally when they try to comfort him post-J:LL; arguably most of his behavior in Outsiders after Donna's death falls under this category too),

he's unhappy and he's taking it out on an inanimate object (so e.g. smashing things after hearing about Kory's potential marriage; punching his car until his hand is bloody after Bruce has been a jerk to him, smashing a sign when Babs is jabbing at him by comparing him to Bruce),

his privacy is being violated by paparazzi (Dick hates photographers and will not hesitate to punch them or destroy their equipment)

I think something important about all these reasons is... they're understandable? It's not surprising that Dick is upset about the woman he loves marrying someone else; it would be stranger if he wasn't upset. It's not surprising that he lashes out defensively when he's feeing attacked - this is an extremely common thing to do! Dick's anger isn't a weird cloud of rage that just descends on him for no reason; he gets angry when he has something to get angry about.

That said, he does have particular things he's especially touchy about - loyalty, privacy, control, etc. And his anger can be physical - he does break things.

Dick + annoyance with friends/teammates

Dick calls a team meeting to rebuke the Titans in Titans 13

This is lower-key, so I wouldn't always describe this as anger per se, but it feels relevant: Dick can get snappish if he's in a bad mood, though he'll usually back off if it's pointed out to him:

Dick: Half this world goes to hell in a handcart and you do nothing? Donna: Hey, don't shout at me because your personal life has gone crazy. We had a crisis… Dick: You had a crisis? Who hasn't? And my personal life, for what it's worth, is a: just fine, and b: none of your business. Do me a favor and go. I want to be alone. (NTT 18 - Dick's upset because Kory is marrying someone else)

Dick: Roy! What the hell is this? Why is Lian in the way? She should be in a crib or something, not where people can step on her. Roy: Dick, my daughter is in nobody's way, and I'm watching her every move. Dick: Oh, yeah? Well, I've had it - Roy: Dick, your friends are here to help you and you're not making it any easier. C'mon, pal - calm down. Dick: You're right. I'm sorry. This is all getting to me. Roy: Really? The immediate world and I never noticed. (NT 100)

Dick (surprising Tim): You should've known you wouldn't hear anything. Not in this wind - but if you'd been downwind on the other side, you might have scented me. Tim (startled): Nightwing! Dick: You did want to meet - or do you just like playing computer games? Now let’s make it snappy - I’m in New York on my own business. Tim: And a big fat hi to you, too. (Showcase '93 11 - Dick's upset because he's blaming himself for someone Chulo murdered)

Dick: He didn't send you to check up on me? Tim: Huh? Dick (scowling): Don't play dumb. Tim: Batman? I came down on my own, Dick. What's with the attitude? Dick: Sorry, Tim. I haven't been making a lot of progress since I got here. (N 6 - Dick's self-aware here - he's on edge because he thinks he's doing a bad job)

Babs: Okay, calm down, take a deep breath, and explain again why you’re so angry… Dick: Why am I angry? I’m not angry, I’m–I’m–I’m dismayed, okay? I’m dismayed that there can be a Robin who believes Batman could be guilty of murder! How could that happen, Babs? How could that happen?! (GK 26) Kory: You could say goodbye to your teammates. Dick: They're not my teammates anymore. Kory: They noticed. (TT/O Secret Files 2005)

You'll notice that several of these include Dick backtracking and apologizing. He doesn't hold grudges or fume forever! And Dick's generally self-aware enough to realize why he's snappish once he takes a step back:

Dick: I…I’m sorry…I know this isn’t your fault. Here I’m attacking you - and you’re probably just as scared as I am. I just feel so frustrated. Batman could always remain calm in a crisis. I guess that’s just another difference between us. Maybe I’d be better off if I just cut myself off from all feeling like he does. (NT 77)

Something Dick generally isn't apologetic about: Dick is intensely self-critical about badly-done vigilante work, and in a team setting, he's not that patient with other people's mistakes.

Here's Dick calling a team meeting so he can scold the team in Titans 13:

Dick: Lock the doors, sit down, and pay attention. And that's an order. ... Our performance against Tartarus and the HIVE was unacceptable. Each and every one of you should thank God you weren't killed.

Here's an argument between Dick and Donna in Graduation Day 2 - the context is that Young Justice just screwed up an earlier fight, and Tim's berating himself and Conner while Dick and Donna eavesdrop (you'll notice that like Dick, Tim tends to be pretty self-critical + impatient with teammates):

Conner: The Titans got their lumps. Tim: No, the Titans got our lumps. They were looking out for us. There we were, shoulder to shoulder with the inspiration for Young Justice. And we lose half our team and half of theirs. Conner: Tim, I bet they were a lot like us when they started. Tim: No, I don't think so. (Donna and Dick are eavesdropping.) Donna: He's being awfully hard on himself. Kind of reminds me of someone. Dick: I don't know what you're talking about. Donna: You could tell him he's wrong. Dick: Is he? Donna: We stepped in it plenty of times, Dick. Plenty. We got beat by Dr. Light. Completely pantsed by Trident. We had the ill-conceived idea that the Mad Mod was a threat. There was that time in South America when we left Garth in the sun for three hours. Lots of stuff… We even got kidnapped by Count Vertigo. How embarrassing was that? Dick: I didn't get kidnapped. I got nabbed when I was coming to save Roy. Donna: Nevertheless, they could use a kind word. Dick: I'm not sure a kind word is what they need.

The upshot is that Donna goes to comfort Cassie while Dick goes off alone.

Again, the point is not that Dick goes around fuming about his teammates 24/7! He cares about the Titans and trusts them to watch his back; he feels the same way about Tim.

But in the heat of the moment, he'll sometimes get snappish or impatient, especially with people he's close to. The friends that Dick has who stick around are the ones who are tough enough to stand up to him, and who understand him enough not to take his occasional moods personally.

Dick + lashing out at loved ones

This one's a bit meaner. Dick's really good at picking out other people's insecurities, which he almost never uses against them ... but when he's retaliating, he's got an instinct for what will hurt the most:

Dick: No, I won't stop it. How dare you tell me what to do when you screwed up so badly Raven could be dead by now? Who knows what Mento did to Gar and Vic? Maybe your failure killed Kole. No, I won't stop. I won't! Donna (punching him): Shut up, Dick! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I don't want to hear anymore! Dick: But you're going to, Donna. You made me listen to what you had to say. But you don't like hearing the truth about yourself, do you? The perfect Donna Troy maybe isn't so perfect after all. (NTT 19 - Dick's under an ambiguous amount of Brother Blood influence during this period, but he's also just really upset about Kory, and I tend to interpret BB as "reducing his self-control" not "he's a totally different person")

Bruce: I didn't expect to see you again. Dick: I heard about Jason. I'm really sorry, Bruce. Bruce: You weren't at the funeral. People asked about you. Dick: C'mon, Bruce - talk. Don't turn your back on me. I'm here… now. Bruce: You were lucky. When you didn't listen to me, your injuries weren't fatal. Of course, by the time I properly trained you - Dick: Bruce, c'mon…lay off. I'm not here to fight. Bruce: Then don't! Dick: Are you blaming me? I left, so Jason replaced me, and because I left he died? No way, pal. Jason wasn't me. I was a trained acrobat. I could think quickly in perilous situations. But why did you let him become Robin before he was ready?!? Bruce (punching him): Don't you dare blame me for Jason's death! Don't you dare! (NT 55 - this fight is ofc 110% Bruce's fault even before the punch, but Dick absolutely is blaming Bruce for Jason's death here) Dick (trying to punch Roy): GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU TRAITOR!  Roy: Dick, I'm your friend… Blast it, man - why are you doing this?  Dick: Friends don't turn on friends, Harper. I've been there every time you called me. I sat up with you all night while you were detoxing. That was not a pretty sight.  (NT 101 - Dick's upset about getting fired as team leader)

Dick: I disgraced myself and my uniform. Both uniforms. I have to learn to live with that or quit. No more surprise visits, Babs. Don't make me sorry I put an elevator in this building. (BoP 37)

Roy: Look at you! Your greatest fear in life, the thing that eats at you - is that you're terrified of becoming Batman!! A cold, detached, emotionless loner. I've got news for you, that's exactly what you are. You've become the man who raised you. Dick: Yeah…and you're just like the man who raised you. A shallow, self-loathing, womanizing thrill-seeker. Except he was never a junkie. (O 16) Gar: I guess it doesn't bother you that your new teammate killed your old one? 'Cause it sure bothers the hell outta me. Dick: Enough. I'm here to find Kory and Tim. I don't need Terra's best friend lecturing me about loyalty. (TT/O Secret Files 2005)

Dick + 1st meetings with future siblings (+Steph)

I hesitated including this on the list because it's lower-key and not always anger per se, but I think a lot of times when people say Dick "has a temper," they're not necessarily talking about his angriest moments so much as pushing back against the idea that he's happy or welcoming all the time.

If you're reading post-Crisis canon, Dick's a prickly introvert who can be slow to warm up to newcomers in Gotham. He's not exclusively cranky by any means! But he's not all smiles, either. Here are some snappish moments from first meetings with Jason, Tim, Cass, Damian, and Steph:

Dick: They'll probably switch to another lab, now that you've spooked them. Jason: Then it's no big deal! We'll just locate their new digs and bust them when they take possession. Dick: Wrong! I'll locate the new lab all by myself! You're going home to tell Batman how you screwed up tonight! Jason: Come on... (from Dick's first meeting with Jason in B 416 - Jason attacked a group of criminals too hastily)

Dick: Now, who the hell are you? Tim: That doesn't matter now. Dick, look at this please. Dick: Kid, I don't like games. (from Dick's first-technically-second meeting with Tim in LPoD - Tim's been chasing him all around the circus, and although Dick doesn't yet know this, also broke into his apartment)

Bruce: You can trust her. Dick: Six months ago, that would've gotten you further than it will now. Now, I'm not sure it's enough. Bruce: What more would it take? Dick: An explanation of who she is for a start. (from Dick's first meeting with Cass in B: LotDK 120 - Bruce went AWOL for months and has now resurfaced with a protégé) Jason: It's a new world. It's not all backflips and balance bars. You were good. Were. But Gotham needs a tougher Robin now. Dick (internally): A sneaky, mean little punk. Maybe you hired him before the Joker could. (from the retold version of Dick's first meeting with Jason in N 104 - Bruce gave stupid instructions leading Jason to misunderstand and pick a fight with Dick)

Dick (internally, when he notices Damian's makeshift Robin costume): Damian's costume. Note to self: smack a clue into this kid. Damian: You're embarrassing me! Dick: You do that just fine on your own. (from Dick's first meeting with Damian in N 138 - Damian's probably scared, which means he's snarky; he's making rude remarks and resisting Dick and Tim's attempts to protect him)

Dick: What in the hell were - are - you thinking, throwing someone so reckless into the field like that? Babs: Gosh, Dick - I'm sorry I haven't spent more time trying to train a murderous little twit. (from right after Dick's first meeting with Steph in BG 5 - Steph accidentally froze Damian)

How much you weight these moments depends a lot on your personal aesthetic preferences! I love conflict, and Dick's initially kinda thorny relationships with his siblings are part of why I enjoy him as a character. I don't feel the need to "fix" this kind of grumpiness and honestly I don't even really see it as a flaw? Dick's not morally obliged to like his future siblings on first meeting them, and if he never got snappish with any siblings ever, no matter how annoying they were being, he'd be a lot less interesting to me personally.

For me, Dick's prickly side adds an important nuance to his characterization, and makes it more compelling. He's a human being, not a conduct book! His strength is that he's willing to reconsider his first impressions, not that he never has negative first impressions.

That said, obviously genre and context matter! I have enjoyed plenty of softer takes on the Batfamily in fanworks, and in a softer, gentler world like e.g. WFA, it would be weird to keep Dick's grumpier moments. Also, Dick obviously isn't 24/7 harsh to his siblings - he can also be really empathetic and protective, and although he never gets especially close to e.g. Steph, he does change his mind about her, and he's ultimately a huge source of emotional support to Tim and Damian (they grow on him! ... eventually).

In Conclusion

One of my favorite Dick stories of all time is Nightwing 139, and I think it nicely encapsulates how I see Dick's anger - it's an important contrast to his softer side. He's a person with an instinctive temper, and compassion and understanding aren't always immediate or easy or effortless for him. But he's also a loving person with a big heart, and it's the love that always matters to him in the end.

Here's Dick discovering that Tim is thinking about using the Lazarus Pit, getting angry, and leaping down to try to physically stop him ("He may not stop you, but I sure as hell will!")

Dick (sarcastically): So, Robin... you think maybe we can hug this out?

It's important to me that Dick's first instinct is to have a physical fight, not to try to talk! He does all the wrong things before he does the right thing! He doesn't magically know the right thing to say to Tim right away!

But doing the right thing matters to him, and Tim matters to him, which is why he gets there eventually. When Tim tears up Dick softens at once:

And in the end Dick backs off and lets Tim make the choice, which isn't easy or instinctive for him either! But it's the right thing to do, and it's what Tim needs to pull himself out of the power struggle and realize he's making a mistake, and then Tim stammers apologies and Dick reassures him and they do hug it out, and it's very tender:

Without Dick's anger, you don't have a lot of his stories. But his anger doesn't define him - he doesn't let it. As Dick puts it,

"Yeah, I get angry. Sometimes I get so pissed I want to break everything in sight. But everyone gets mad. Everyone gets frustrated. But I don't fight out of anger! I fight when there's something wrong that needs to be stopped! And that's why I'll never be you! I don't fight to kill - I fight to protect!

And that's a big part of why I think he's great.

[theotterpenguin]

the performative accusation that shipping zutara (and occasionally this criticism is levied at jinko/zukka) is colonialist apologism has been addressed in some excellent posts, explaining the inaccuracies and problematic implications of this logic far better than i ever could - like this post and this one and this one and this one and this one.

and i know this topic has been talked about to death, but if you could indulge my contribution for a moment, i just find it interesting how this sentiment results from the cognitive dissonance of atla fans being unable to reconcile with the idea of their favorite show's political beliefs not lining up with their own.

atla is a largely philosophical children's show that at its core deals with themes of love, redemption, and destiny vs. free-will. atla examines these themes through an anti-colonalist, anti-imperalist lens that deconstructs the idea of racial divisiveness and the idea that people of different ethnicities are inherently different. this is message is pretty explicitly stated by guru pathik:

Guru Pathik: "The greatest illusion of this world is the illusion of separation. Things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same." Aang: "Like the four nations?" Guru Pathik: "Yes. We are all one people. But we live as if divided."

and also by uncle iroh:

"It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If you take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale. Understanding others, the other elements and the other nations will help you become whole."

this theme is developed across three full seasons, with the crux of this message culminating in zuko's friendships with the gaang - despite coming from different nationalities and different backgrounds, they have all had their own experiences being hurt by the fire nation and work together to take down the oppressive fire nation government. the question of destiny vs. free will is also explored through zuko's character - despite starting off as an antagonist, he develops into a symbolic representation of how the fire nation's oppression hurts its own citizens. he unlearns the fire nation's imperialist propaganda while simultaneously unlearning his father's abuse. rather than following misguided beliefs of what he thought his destiny was as the heir to the throne, instead he forges his own path.

thus, to claim that zuko can never form a deep and meaningful relationship with any of the gaang because of his nationality goes unequivocally against the themes of the show. and a major part of this is because these are fictional characters being used to analyze different theoretical questions within the show and in some cases, are used as symbolic representations of different philosophical ideas - their friendships and their character arcs serve a purpose within the text that cannot be easily transcribed onto real-life dynamics between people.

it's illogical to criticize fans who are choosing to understand atla at the level of the themes that are presented by the text - who are interested in exploring similar philosophical questions brought up by the show through the context of relationships.

if you don't like the themes of forgiveness and redemption that atla explores, your criticism should be aimed at the writing of the show itself rather than other fans. because you are giving far more thought to the "implications" of a close friendship or romantic relationship between someone from an imperalist nation and someone from an oppressed nation than the writers ever did. (and if you fall in this camp of people, i would hope you wouldn't be reblogging fanart of zuko and the gaang together while simultaneously claiming zuko could can never escape the sins of his ancestors and can never form a deep relationship based on trust and intimacy with katara or sokka or jin - because that would just be hypocritical).

and as a side note, people seem to apply this flawed logic to zutara far more than other ships solely because the show spends the most time exploring the complicated nature of fire nation imperalism in the interactions between zuko and katara in the latter half of b3. this is because they've been juxtapositioned against each other and paralleled with aang since the beginning of the show in ways that toph, sokka, and suki are not, who have mostly been used to examine different themes. there simply isn't enough time to explore these complicated themes with all the other characters, even if they theoretically exist in zuko’s dynamics with these characters, so the writers focus the most on zuko's relationships with katara and aang, and these relationships are given far more narrative weight, so have more content to criticize. but zuko and katara also canonically become friends by the end of the show. if you want to discount the existence of their friendship, claiming that it will always be tainted by the fire nation's oppression regardless of what is shown in the text, then you also have to discount zuko's friendships with aang, suki, toph, and sokka - because even if this isn't shown as a permanent barrier to their friendships in the show, it’s also not shown as a permanent barrier to his friendship with katara. if your logic is solely based on the idea that a person's identity in a relationship as a colonizer or a victim is fixed and unchanging regardless of character development, this would apply to zuko's friendships with everyone else as well.

[general-cyno]

I really like that zoro and luffy's relationship is weirdly simple while still being somewhat complex. equal yet not quite but actually yeah. it's just interesting bc they've got all these ways in which they match or complement each other right? the importance of their dreams and the will/determination they chase them with, the straw hat vs wado ichimonji, their scars, their views on certain things like death or heroism and literally echoing what the other does or says even when they're not together, the whole sun/moon, god/demon bit and other parallels to outstanding or legendary characters in OP, etc. their goddamn haki too.

then there's the fact that although luffy's not one to enforce strict roles within the crew, zoro very much views the straw hats with a certain level of hierarchy he includes himself in and deliberately places himself below luffy, who won't hesitate to give him orders in certain circumstances that he trusts zoro to follow as well. but the story (via some side/background characters) does make it a point to remark how strange it all is bc zoro is crazy strong and a leader of his own right to the point he's got the haki to match, who in the past refused to join an organization like baroque works unless he got to be the boss. he's even admitted he sees no point in staying a pirate if not part of luffy's crew, and he wouldn't remain in it to begin with if luffy didn't square up to be the kind of captain zoro's willing to devote himself to. just like how luffy wouldn't have invited zoro to join his crew if it turned out he wasn't a good guy.

and luffy. the way he relies on zoro turns my brain into confetti. the almost unreal sort of trust he places in zoro all the way since shells town, the sheer confidence in zoro's strength, steadfastness and protectiveness - the kind of confidence that allows luffy not to worry when the people he cares about or their allies are with zoro, and if someone from their crew is forced to leave bc of dangerous circumstances, zoro's one of the first he can count on to bring them back or watch over the rest in the meanwhile. all of which becomes extra meaningful when you find out about luffy's backstory, how much he hates being alone or when people leave. luffy's not the type to reject help from whoever's willing to offer it and he's been saved by plenty other characters along the way, but zoro's been consistently and explicitly worrying over his safety since the early days and protecting him for about as long, as much as he's able to, and luffy just... lets him. that willing, conscious kind of vulnerability coming from the guy who's the captain and usually the strongest around is so good. so compelling. the pirate king expects and needs no less than the world's greatest swordsman and he can have him, as long as the pirate king remains worthy of it. truly one of the most fascinating relationships in this manga for me.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

It genuinely keeps me up at night that when Van Eck attempts to reveal to the Merchant Council that Wylan can’t read, they all react exactly as Wylan feared they would. (Spoilers ahead!) Of course since they don’t believe him and Wylan’s brilliant memory for Jesper’s words protects him we don’t see the full force of their response, but it is made PAINFULLY clear that they all would have responded the same way Van Eck did - “How could you say such things about your own blood?”. It’s an incredibly meaningful and arguably subtle detail that Bardugo implements to remind the reader that although Van Eck was our main antagonist in this case, there is no singular villain in this story because what the characters are fighting is an ultimately unbeatable source. The system is impossible to truly defeat because it is a hydra, we see that when Dryden’s father died he took on the role of the Council and acted the exact same way he did, and if Van Eck had raised Wylan to one day take over from him then he too would have been forcibly moulded into that shape by the poisonous environment of this governing body. The defeat of Van Eck, had Kaz not amended his will to name Wylan his inheritor, would have been only that: the downfall of a singular man, to be easily replaced by another with the same dangerously capitalistic values and crude methods of implementing them. It would not have been any change in the system that oppresses the main characters - I think it’s kind of similar to the Hunger Games (spoilers ahead) when Katniss chooses to kill Coin instead of Snow because she realises that killing Snow doesn’t actually change the system if someone else will simply step into his shoes. We also see this reflected in Kaz and his mission to destroy Rollins, since by doing so he too has taken the actions Rollins did. When Inej points out their similarities he denies it, saying “I don’t sell girls, I don’t con helpless kids out of their money”. Inej replies with the gentle, HEARTBREAKING sentence: “Look at the floor of the Crow Club, Kaz”. And this is so important because Kaz has no consideration for what happens to those people once they step outside his door. How do they fair after he scams them? How many of them have had no other money to fall back on? Did one of them sell their daughter to be able to pay off their debts to him? He’d never know, he just had the money and that’s all he thinks about. But if that girl survived long enough to want revenge, who would she blame? Say she didn’t want to blame her parents, like Kaz doesn’t want to blame Jordie, then who becomes the manifestation of all her hatred, the one thing she has decided that destroying will cure her? Kaz does. Just as Rollins has for him.

Every system of this city is a hydra, and there are so many beautifully written reminders of this without forcing it down our throats, but there is also the hope of genuine, real change. In Wylan, joining the Merchant Council as someone opposed to its views, as someone who has lived in both sides of this city and been abused by both of them, as someone who understands that real change is hard to implement. In Inej, as she journeys against the system that abused her not for revenge, but for the protection of all the children who have been hurt and killed, of all the children being hurt and killed, and of all the children who would have been hurt and killed if she didn’t stop the slavers who sought them, as someone who knows that real change is action. In Jesper, as someone raised far from the suffocating closed-minded atmosphere of the Merchant Council and who can support Wylan through it, as someone who knows that striving for real change is messy and chaotic, but that it’s where he thrives. In Matthias, who died believing that the world could truly change, who died believing in Nina, believing in himself, and believing that his death was a necessary sacrifice to real change, even though he wanted it to be peaceful. In Nina, as someone who had learned that real change cannot always be won with violence, as someone who will learn to use her new power to restructure a civilisation, as someone who will spend the rest of her life striving for change because nothing could ever be worse than her beloved having died in vain. And in Kaz, in the small ways, in the fear of what he could become that will hold him back from becoming the next head of the hydra, in his love for Inej shifting his perception of the world, and in his slow journey of healing, maybe one day killing Rollins will be enough. And if that doesn’t work, he’ll burn the world down and start it all again.

[thydungeongal]

Say someone wanted to run a dungeon crawl game (specifically for pathfinder 2e) what's a good place to start with dungeon design? Are there any like treatise on designing a good dungeon I should read?

Hmmm, this is a difficult question to answer comprehensively because there are actually so many things that go into making a good dungeon crawl, but I think this Sly Flourish article is a good starting point with links to other articles.

But if I had to give my own advice on how to design a dungeon crawl I would keep these things in mind:

Offering multiple paths with meaningful choices. Offering multiple paths of course rewards exploration and player agency, but it's easy to forget that those multiple paths don't mean much if you don't give the player characters some clues as to what to expect.

Preparing situations, not encounters. Just because a room in the dungeon has 5 goblins in it doesn't mean you should plan a combat encounter with 5 goblins. Instead, there's just 5 goblins in the room and whether it turns into a combat encounter or a social encounter or whatever should be up to the players.

Related to the above, the inhabitants of the dungeon should not be treated as simple obstacles to be overcome. The goblins guarding their treasure won't fight to the death because their primary concern is staying alive; predatory monsters in the dungeon are primarily motivated by food, not the desire to kill characters. The creatures in the dungeon should have motivations beyond fighting the characters.

Time pressure and resource management. A dungeon is basically a hostile environment and I think it's important to maintain that sense of danger through resource depletion and time pressure. Now, most old-school dungeon crawls exert time pressure simply by way of making wandering monsters a thing in dungeons. You could theoretically give the players a time-sensitive goal within the dungeon. But you don't necessarily need both.

You don't necessarily need to give the characters an extrinsic motivation for exploring the dungeon, because finding treasures and growing in power through overcoming adversity can be a powerful intrinsic motivator in and of itself. But if you do decide to give the characters some goal in the dungeon (like, get the demon idol on level 3), then there should still be content to the side of the pursuit of that simple goal to give the players more ways to exert their agency.

[theblogwithoutfear]

karen page is so annoying in the show...is she better in the comics somehow or is she just like that

So I've actually wanted to talk about this forever, but I kept forgetting to make a post about it. Your ask is a perfect opportunity to write down all my thoughts. Brace yourself, because I have a lot to say. Sorry in advance lmao

I actually prefer Karen in the show. To be fair, I have not finished all the comics, but so far I think her TV counterpart is a lot better (I still like her a lot in the comics tho, don't get me wrong). The NMCU version of Karen Page also has a lot of Kirsten McDuffie (another comic book girlfriend) in her, which is great in my opinion.

A lot of people find her annoying, but to me it's her flaws that make her such a fantastic character. She isn't a caricature, stock-girlfriend character pulled from a box of tropes; she's a well-rounded individual, extremely realistic, a mirror of Matt Murdock, and a woman with real agency. Her actions have major consequences on the plot. In my opinion, a lot of superhero girlfriends (in comics, movies, TV, whatever) are written more like props than characters, and they don't have any agency or actual plot relevance. Which is why, when a lot of them die, their deaths feel so cheap and inconsequential. That's where fridging comes from. It's been a problem with superheroes since their very inception; and a problem in storytelling at large. So often in fiction, women are flat and unrealistic.

So to me, Karen's heavily-flawed character is refreshing. She is extremely impulsive; she's deeply intelligent, but makes such stupid decisions; she can be hypocritical, self-destructive, and petty. Sometimes she manipulates people, even unintentionally. She's very well-meaning, but constantly makes mistakes. And it's these mistakes that move the plot forward, and reveal important things about both her and Matt. Her actions have real consequences for the story, and she undertakes her own journey throughout the narrative. She is almost as much a protagonist as Matt is, in terms of her character development and growth.

For that matter, every one of the flaws that I listed are things that Matt does too. They are almost perfect mirrors of each other; people who are immensely concerned with justice and compassion, people who care for the truth, and people who want to make their city a better place. However, as they go about it, they stumble and make mistakes and endanger other people. They're hypocritical and contradictory and impulsive. They constantly have to call their own moralities into question, because they almost never live up to their high ideals.

(Also, as a side note, I think many of Karen's flaws—as with Matt's—come as a direct result of all the trauma she's been through: her mother's death, her brother's death, her alcoholism and drug addiction, her dad cutting her off, being framed for murder, almost getting murdered in prison, etc. So I think it's fair to give her some grace.)

But what makes both Karen and Matt so lovable, imo, is that they keep trying. No matter what mistakes they make, they get back up and try again. They do everything they can to atone for the blood on their hands.

I think also (and I'm not accusing you of this, just a certain subset of people in the fandom) that people are more willing to accept Matt's flaws than Karen's—because there's a lot of misogyny built into our society, and there's this ingrained idea that women have to be paragons of virtue. Women, both in fiction and in reality, tend to be put under a microscope and dissected, while men can get away with a lot more. So Matt and Karen have identical flaws, but only Karen gets hate for it, which makes me very sad.

It may be the writer in me, but imo flaws are what make a character—and a story—meaningful. A well-flawed character can take a ridiculous, implausible story and make it feel grounded and real and impactful. A well-flawed woman even more so. I love Karen for the same reason I love Jessica Jones and Wanda Maximoff; or, to go beyond Marvel, for the same reason I love Jo March and Katniss Everdeen and Miss Haversham and Katherina Molina. They all elevate their respective stories beyond the initial premise and plot. Flawed female characters are realistic and impactful, and therefore empowering.

Obviously, to each their own. Some people just find her annoying and don't like her personality, and that's fine. But for me, that's what makes her feel real, and that's why I love her.

[runnning-outof-time]

The Silver Lining | Tommy Shelby & Daughter!Reader

Request: yes by anonymous

Pairing: Tommy Shelby & daughter!reader

Summary: (Y/N) Shelby's always been the 'forgotten one' in her family, but there may just be a silver lining in all of her suffering.

Warnings: strained familial relationship (father/daughter), mentions of minor character death

Word Count: 1633

A/N: I’m a bit rusty with the daughter!reader stories, so I’m hoping that this is good and was wanted. It’s also a bit of a sad one, but ends happy (or so I think). Enjoy! :)

PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!

Comment/Message me if you’d like to be tagged in future stories similar to this one!

From when she was young, (Y/N) Shelby wished that she was part of a different family. Not even a different family name; she'd be fine with staying a Shelby...she just wished she would be going home to a different parent; a different father at night.

The only thing that (Y/N) did thank her father for was for taking her in. She'd heard terrible stories of orphanages and what happened within them. The fact that she had a place to call home, when she very easily could not have, made her grateful for that.

Her mother died after childbirth, and that side of the family wanted nothing to do with the baby after it was born, so Tommy Shelby decided to take his daughter into his home, accepting the help of his aunt in raising the child. (Y/N) was grateful for it because it was uncommon for the father to do something like that...most just sent the children away when the mother was out of the picture.

But as time went on it seemed like she was the furthest thing from Tommy's mind. Tommy and his brothers came from the war back differently. (Y/N) was left to be with Polly and Finn as he delved deeply into business, making that the highest importance in his life.

And then he met a woman. Grace Burgess quickly became the apple of Tommy Shelby's eye, putting yet another layer of separation between him and his daughter. (Y/N) was still a child herself when her half-brother, Charlie was born. A part of her felt jealous of the young boy; who seemed to get more attention from her father than she ever did.

At least she had the servants that had been hired on to talk to now, and that her father had thankfully listened and allowed her to have a piano teacher. Tommy never had a problem in monetarily giving (Y/N) what she desired...he just seemed to have no desire in actually bettering his actual relationship with her.

Things sort of plateaued for a bit when the family moved into Arrow House. (Y/N) joined the rest of her family for dinner - because she was expected to - and had free roam of the estate's expensive halls and grounds. Sure, it still hurt that at times she felt like she'd been ostracized from the family...that she didn't fit into the family that her father <wanted> to have. Being able to get lost on her own made up for it in a way.

Things took a sharp turn for the worse when Grace died. Tommy sequestered himself away from everyone in the family, only giving the bare minimum to everything that wasn't business. In a dark, twisted way, (Y/N) was kind of happy that Charlie was now getting a taste of what she'd been dealing with her entire life. But, of course, Tommy eventually began seeking his son out again and having meaningful moments with him, whereas with (Y/N) it just seemed like he was going through the motions; having the necessary conversations with her. The fact that she expected no less from her father scared her slightly...it meant that she was getting used to it.

As she got older, (Y/N) threw herself into her studies. She enjoyed reading and writing, and oftentimes would keep herself busy with either of the two. These two hobbies stuck as she made her way through the schooling system. Another thing that she was thankful for was her father's ever-rising status. He may have not been the most open and willing parent to her, but he did still make sure that she attended the best schools and had all of the proper help that was needed to excel in her studies. It was only what was fit for a Shelby.

As it was nearing the end of her secondary school career, (Y/N) found out that she was at the top of her class. She felt exhilarated by this news, and as soon as she got home, she just had to share it with Lizzie. Lizzie was Tommy's second wife, and the only person who seemed to really, truly care about what (Y/N) was doing. It was because of her that (Y/N) even chose to send out some letters to different universities with the hopes of being accepted into them. Her father was spending more and more time in his office due to his job in Parliament, so even if he had an inkling of interest in the things that his daughter was doing, she wouldn't know it. So she stuck to sharing the news with her step-mother.

One day towards the end of the school year, Frances stopped (Y/N) as she was walking through the front door. "Your father wants to see you in his office," she informed (Y/N), her expression not really giving much away.

Not saying anything, (Y/N) nodded and made her way to her father's office. She knocked on the mahogany door before opening it just enough so that she could peek her head through the door. "Frances told me that you wanted to see me," she announced her presence, hoping that her father would hear her and look up from what he was typing on his typewriter.

"Yes, come," Tommy answered her, waving her into the room with a flick of his wrist, his eyes just barely shifting from the work he was doing.

(Y/N) nodded before she opened the door further so that she could properly enter the room. She closed it behind her before silently moving over to the two armchairs that were sitting, facing his desk. "What is it that you want, dad?" she asked him once she was sitting in one of the chairs.

"It's, uh..." he started, pausing to slide the carriage of the machine back over to the start so that it'd ring out, before he looked over at his daughter. He cleared his throat before continuing, "it's been brought to my attention by this letter here that you have been in correspondence with Oxford." He clasped his hands together on top of what (Y/N) could only guess was said letter as he finished speaking.

The breath got caught in the young woman's throat as she nodded her head, hoping that her voice came out steady when she started to speak. There were no clues as to what her father was feeling or thinking at the moment, and she was preparing herself for the worst. "I applied for their writing program. It's been said that it's one of the best in the country, and I feel that I have what it takes to excel in it," she gave her reasoning behind what she had done. There was no use in denying it, he was the one who brought it up. What she did leave out, though, was that she also applied to this particular university because of the substantial distance that there was between its campus and Arrow House.

Tommy kept his eyes fixed on her as she spoke, listening intently to what she had to say. He didn't respond right away after she was finished. Instead he let silence hang in the air for a moment as he looked away, flipping through the papers that were sitting on his desk. The time felt like it was dragging as (Y/N) waited for what he'd say next.

"This letter was sent in response to what you sent them," he finally told her, holding a stark, white envelope out to her then.

(Y/N) looked at it for a moment before accepting it from him. She tried her best to steady her shaking hands as she went about opening it up and retrieving the letter from inside. She read it over slowly, not wanting to jump ahead of herself. But the first line was all she needed to read: Congratulations, Miss Shelby. It is our pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted into our accelerated writing program... She stopped reading there even though there was still a good bit of the letter left. Her jaw went slack as she re-read it a few more times, checking to make sure that what was printed was true.

Tommy knew what the letter held from her reaction alone. "Congratulations, (Y/N)," he offered her his own congratulatory statement.

She looked up when she heard him speak, happy tears stinging the edges of her eyes as everything sunk in. Sure what he'd said wasn't deep or very thought-provoking, but the fact that he'd said something at all was more than enough for her at that moment. "

"I knew that you'd be able to achieve this. You'll do great things, love," he told her, the smallest smile teetering on his lips.

He knew that she didn't need it, but he put in an extra word for her at the registrar’s anyway. It was the least that he could do for her. This would be the silver lining in her bleak life...her opportunity to get so far away from him and the past that he'd given her. She could make a wonderful life for herself once she stepped out from the shadow that was currently hanging over her; that had been hanging over her from the moment she was born.

And so when (Y/N) stood from the chair she was sitting on and stepped around the desk so that she could hug Tommy, he held onto her as tight as she held onto him. They were hugging each other for different reasons, reasons that if you looked at them in such a way, would show that they're actually the same.

Tagged: @mgcldydrms @the-anxious-youth @cloudofdisney @look-at-the-soul @elenavampire21 @mrsalwayswrite @julkaamazing @evita-shelby @lilyrachelcassidy @notyour-valentine @shelbydelrey @december16-1991 @onlydeadcells @peakyswritings @just-a-blackhole @watercolorskyy @strayrockette @peakyduchesss @alexxavicry @captivatedbycillianmurphy @yummycastiel @dark-academia-slut @tommystargirl @stevie75 @lyarr24 @signorellisantichrist @zablife @anotherblinder @midnightmagpiemama @cillmequick @rangerelik @dandelionprints @letal-y-poetica @raincoffeeandfandoms @itscheybaby @gypsy-girl-08 @lora21 @insanitybyanothername @depxiety @dragons-are-my-favorite @sunsetbeachesandwriting @forgottenpeakywriter @cilliansangel

MASTERLIST

[david-talks-sw]

What's 'Star Wars' about?

A while ago I got an 'Ask' that concluded with "what is Star Wars about, if not the Jedi, right?" And weirdly enough... I have to disagree.

I mean... to me? Yes. Star Wars is about the Jedi. A Jedi-less, Sith-less, lightsaber-less Star Wars movie or series will struggle to get me on board (which is why I was surprised that I loved Andor so much).

But if you read everything George Lucas said, if you think about the Jedi's place in his two trilogies... they're not front and center, right?

Sure, there's Luke Skywalker... but he's a learner, in the Original Trilogy. Same goes for Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, in the Prequels. They're going through character arcs.

Otherwise, the Jedi are either used as mentors to the protagonist...

... or to deliver exposition...

... but they're mostly vectors Lucas uses to present his thesis.

Functionally-speaking, the Jedi are important in that they embody the Buddhist philosophies the movie's themes are based on.

But when it comes to the plot, they're secondary. That's because the the themes of these films are bigger than the Jedi themselves.

So the question becomes... what's are the themes?

The primary goal of the Star Wars films is to inspire kids to start thinking outside the box and teach them a set of values and psychological motifs that have been passed down through mythology and fairy tales.

These values can be summed up in the dichotomy between greed and compassion / selfishness and selflessness / pleasure and joy.

We all have both aspects and need to strike a balance between the two. After all, being greedy ultimately comes from fear and being afraid can happen to all of us. Problem is, unchecked fear can lead to anger, hate and a whole lot of suffering.

The more selfish you are, the more you want things and the more you're afraid that you'll lose everything you have, you'll get angry when someone tries to take it and that will hurt everyone around you.

In other words, fear is the path to the tempting/addictive Dark Side.

Thus, seeing as we'll be inevitably tempted by the Dark Side and give in at some point (because nobody's perfect), we should aim to be as selfless and compassionate as possible for our own good... but also for the greater good, because we're all connected to a life energy. You can call it Qi or God; in Star Wars it's known as the Force.

As such, we all form a symbiotic circle and working with that in mind is better than putting ourselves first and draining from everything and everyone around us.

But we also need to be careful because there will be people who give in to that selfish side and will try to control everything. When the time comes, we must stand up for what's right.

So that's Lucas' thesis.

If I had to sum them up, the six movies illustrate it as follows:

The Prequel Trilogy is about the consequences of greed, explored through Anakin on a smaller scale and the Senate on a larger one.

The Original Trilogy shows the triumph of compassion, through Luke, Leia & Han and the Rebellion's fight against the Empire.

Lucas talked about it multiple times, the Prequels are about how Anakin becomes Darth Vader and how the Republic becomes the Empire, and in both those cases, it happens because they're greedy.

The Senate is greedy in the more classical sense. They could give a shit about "symbiosis", no they're taking bribes, letting corporations dictate policy, using loopholes to keep themselves in power and halting any meaningful progress out of fear that the new status quo will conflict with their own self-serving goals.

Anakin's greed manifests in a different way. He turns to the Dark Side because of his attachment. He wants to stop Padmé from dying... but not because he wants to save her, rather he wants to save himself from feeling the pain of loss again and will do anything to not have to live without her, her own wishes and the natural cycle of life and death be damned.

In both cases, they cave under pressure orchestrated by Palpatine, but nobody puts a gun to their head. They make a deliberate choice that comes from a selfish place, and neither one takes personal responsibility for it, they blame others, the Separatists in the case of the Senate and the Jedi in Anakin's case.

The Republic becomes an Empire with thunderous applause, betraying the people it was meant to protect.

And when faced between doing something he knows is right and giving in to his selfish desires...

... Anakin elects to do the latter, thus betraying his family and leaving the Force in darkness.

These selfish choices impact the galaxy as a whole, including the only characters in the trilogy who were doing their best to be compassionate and live in symbiosis: the Jedi, Padmé and Bail.

These champions of the Light Side are stuck playing catch-up or helplessly witnessing the events unfold, throughout the trilogy. They're playing by the rules and Palpatine uses this to his advantage.

Thus, as the galaxy tears itself apart because of Palpatine's manipulations, the Jedi and Bail are ignored and gradually weakened until they're either rendered irrelevant or killed.

A new order is born, one built on blood, lies and greed: the Empire.

But a new hope remains.

While before, the Jedi and people like Bail stood alone as everything around them became willfully corrupt... now, a Rebellion inspired by their legacy has banded together to overthrow the current order. But they don't fight for power or personal glory, they fight for altruistic, compassionate reasons. There's a sense of general responsibility that moves them, they're all doing their part.

On a larger scale, we focus on the Rebels, who are tired of seeing people suffer and decided this needs to stop. They have gone from being passive, to proactive.

On a more personal scale, we see the evolution of Luke, from naive farmer to a hero, and guess what? More and more selfish people - like Han or Lando - are inspired to join the Rebellion, after seeing the exploits of Luke, Leia, or even Ben.

It all culminates in the final film, wherein:

The Rebels band together with the Ewoks - literal teddy bears whom the Empire, in their arrogance, never even considered to be a threat - to destroy the Second Death Star and free the galaxy from imperial tyranny.

At the same time, Emperor Palpatine pressures Luke, who is tempted by the Dark Side like his father was.

But instead of giving in to his selfish desire to kill Darth Vader for all the horrors he's done...

... he finds the strength to rise above it, instead showing compassion for his father, which, in turn, inspires Anakin to do the same.

He faces a choice, like he did in Palpatine's office, two decades prior...

... and this time he chooses right.

Children teach you compassion. Anakin lets go of his fear and anger, and saves his son at the cost of his own life, finally bringing balance back to the Force.

Good triumphed over evil. Its champions achieved victory by being selfless, hopeful and fighting together / helping each other.

And that's it, that's how the movies thematically tie together.

As you can see, the Jedi aren't that directly impactful on the overall plot, because it revolves around Anakin, Luke and the respective factions/institutions around them.

But what the Jedi do bring to the table is their ability to teach and inspire others, both in-universe and out. They're spiritually impactful.

The Jedi are the epitome of compassion, and it's partially through them that George Lucas teaches his values to the audience.

[jaskierx]

djenks plays fast and loose with historical and medical accuracy. and we love that. taking artistic license with medicine in order to give your leads an erotic stabbing scene without harming them is genius. it’s a vehicle to allow the characters to do things that are funny without having to deal with the narrative consequences that would apply if we were going for gritty realism.

but it’s not rigid worldbuilding. the idea isn’t to replace rules like ‘getting stabbed will cause significant physical harm’ with different rules like ‘getting stabbed on the left will never cause significant physical harm’. the idea is that there’s only one rule - ‘injuries don’t matter unless they would move the story along towards where we want it to go’

this is an important rule for several reasons:

it lets our ragtag bunch of beloved pirates do things like kill racists with gay abandon in ways that are funny and cool and heroic rather than fully serious

it lets injuries be simultaneously meaningful and inconsequential - e.g. it’s narratively very significant that ed’s crew beat him to death during the mutiny, and that stede literally brought him back from death via the power of love, but ed barely has a scratch on him once he comes to (which allows for the joke in ep5 about fang really fucking his body up)

it lets injuries be meaningful to start with and then be resolved fully in a short space of time - e.g. it’s important to the narrative and izzy’s character that izzy loses his leg, but once the crew makes a prosthetic for him, it stops affecting him bc narratively the injury has served its purpose

anyway all that is to say that a lot of criticisms about izzy’s death being ‘unrealistic’ don’t really hold up. yes it’s unrealistic (but only in the sense that a realistic show would’ve had him die from the leg infection much earlier than s2e8). but it’s not a plot hole, it doesn’t matter if he got shot in the left side of the stomach, it doesn’t matter that he could’ve been treated.

‘this is a show where a man turns into a bird, he could’ve easily survived a gunshot’ - absolutely. but that’s not what he was in the story to do at that moment. ofmd isn’t the real world, but nor is it simply an alternate version of the real world where the rules are different but ultimately consistent. instead, it’s a sandbox for the writers, and the characters are tools that are being used to tell a story.

izzy didn’t die because he got shot, or because he didn’t get treatment in time, or because his injury was unsurvivable. izzy died because his death was what made sense for the narrative. that came first. izzy is a vehicle for the narrative, and in turn, the gunshot wound is a vehicle for getting izzy to his death in a plausible way.

[tower-of-hana]

The Magic System in Harry Potter Is Kinda Dumb an Essay

The Killing Curse Was a Bad Idea

I took this one from a youtube video but it's true and I don't see it talked about a lot. The killing curse was a bad idea because it disincentivises the villains from ever attacking the heroes in an interesting way. Instead of using any type of dark magic that is interesting and cool they'll just reach for the instant death spell because it's easier.

It Doesn't Have Any Meaningful Rules:

Rules in a magic system are important because they allow the characters to establish strategies and for the audience to understand what those strategies are. Harry Potter doesn't do this which is why almost all of the magic fights are dumb and boring (it doesn't help that the main character knows like three spells but that isn't really a problem with the worldbuilding). Pretty much all the limits on the magic system in Harry Potter are used to stop the author from having to worldbuild.

It Also Doesn't Do Anything with the Lack of Rules:

That being said, anime fights where characters throw the sun at each other are dumb fun but Harry Potter doesn't do that either. Harry Potter doesn't really have any spells that are overpowered in an interesting way. As a result all fights are just characters throwing the same three spells at each other and older characters using undefined, more interesting spells to create the illusion of a better magic system.

Transfiguration Is Implemented Badly:

Transfiguration isn't a bad idea but the way it works in the books makes it completely useless. Why the fuck would anyone use a spell to turn a hyper specific thing into another hyper specific thing. That's just not all that helpful.

We Don't Know What Magic IS:

In Harry Potter pretty much everything about how magic works is badly defined. But I think most of this problem stems from the more fundamental problem that Harry Potter never establishes what magic is. In a lot of stories the author mentions at some point what their magic system fundamentally is: the force is some type of magic force that exists throughout the universe, chakra is magic energy that flows through your body etc. This is not necessary but it helps both you and the audience know what the rules and limits to magic are. Harry Potter doesn't do this so magic can just do random bullshit.

Good Guy Magic and Bad Guy Magic Operates on Twisted Morality:

Some pieces of media give the bad guys evil magic so you know that they are evil. Harry Potter tries to do this but utterly fails. Take the unforgivable curses for instance. The first is the cruciatus curse, it causes pain. This is fine, most people agree that pain is bad. The second one is the imperious curse, it allows you to control people. This would be fine because mental manipulation is generally considered to be bad. Or it would be, if the story hadn't already established that the "good guys" go around erasing people's memories all the time. In fact they constantly invade and manipulate the minds of muggles to the point where they genuinely do it more than the racist bad guys. In fact the wizarding world is basically an apartheid state enforced by the literal thought police and the main characters we're supposed to sympathize get positions of power in it (mostly) but I digress. The third is the killing curse and this one makes sense on the surface but when you think about it it's really baffling. Sure killing people with no other side effects or other purpose sounds evil until you realize that the good guys in Harry Potter try to kill people by: blowing them up, setting them on fire, crushing them with shelves of shitty plot devices, disintegrating them, defenestrating them (movie), freeing a dragon in a crowded area, setting unquestionably evil beings loose around children, suffocating them with magic plants, magic plant Havana Syndrome, crushing them with giants, burning them with the power of love, supposedly slicing them to pieces with transfigured knight statues, being eaten by magic bushes, poison murder trees, trampling them, and fucking yeeting them across the room. I dunno mate I would rather painlessly die tbh.

✨The Powa of Wuv✨

You know how the power of love is a thing we all joke about because it's such a trite and overplayed stand-in for an actual solution to a problem? Well the author decided to make it a part of the magic system. Now for the low low price of your mom you, yes you, can be immune to the plot. I would praise this as great satire if it wasn't taken 100% seriously the entire series.

[quarterlifecrisis-activated]

I find it interesting that Stede is the unintentional cause of all 3 deaths of characters that represent toxic masculinity. Symbolically and thematically it’s just *chefs kiss*.

First take the Badminton twins. Stede is the opposite of toxic masculinity, he’s soft and picks flowers and cries and creates a safe space for meaningful male (for the most part) friendships. When Nigel and Chauncey die it’s because they were berating and attacking Stede and this form of masculinity. They also die by their own weapons unintentionally killing themselves. Toxic masculinity will always destroy itself because it’s hollow. If Stede and the crew are family and joy and connection the British navy is the system. There is nothing there to actually help people. But it’s so pervasive, one falls and someone else steps up. Same face, different name (literally). OFMD says that attacking this new way of life is meaningless because it is built on something more and trying to combat it will only turn inward. The Badmintons die alone and no one notices or cares.

Which brings me to Izzy Hands. I have a soft spot for that little nightmare (affectionate), he’s the character that I still haven’t pulled apart fully. Yes it’s Stede’s plan that leads to Izzy’s death but I don’t think Stede’s involvement is the same like for the Badmintons. It’s Ricky that’s important in the thematic meaning of Izzy’s death. Izzy is the toxic masculinity of the pirate world. It’s pretty clear that Izzy is the stand in for piracy and the old way of doing things. And he hates Stede! He also wins at the end of season 1. He removes everything touched by Stede from the Revenge and boy does it backfire. Raids for the sake of raids and no interpersonal connection sucks. And it was everything Izzy fought for in season 1. Continuing the idea of self destruction, I find it interesting that Izzy tries and fails to shoot himself. By his own hand and all alone. I believe it was Con who said that that moment was the death of Izzy Hands as we new him. Upholding a system just for the sake of upholding the system costs you everything and leaves you with nothing. And Izzy sees that and he changes!

If someone had told season 1 Izzy that he’d lose his leg that man wouldn’t bat an eye. But if you told him his new leg would be a gold painted unicorn hoof he’d go into cardiac arrest. But it’s his acceptance of what the crew made him that brings him into community. It’s a visual representation of what is going on internally and it culminates is his full look during Calypso’s birthday. He’s fully turned away from what was and put on this softness and femininity that makes him part of the crew. And I think that’s such a beautiful sentiment and I tear up every time I watch that scene.

Which brings me to Ricky. I mean, fuck that guy amirite?! He’s the worst and I wish we would have seen more of him. I think his conversation with Izzy is also so fascinating. It parallels nicely with Izzy meeting Chauncey in season 1. Izzy could’ve saved his own skin if he worked with Ricky like he did with Chauncey, if he upheld the system and played along. But he doesn’t and I love it. It’s so impactful to give Izzy that speech because every other member of the crew was already with the program. Having a character that was on the other side go actually fuck you you’re wrong is amazing storytelling. Izzy has learned his lesson and while he’s far from perfect he’s doing better every day. And that’s profound especially when you talk about trying to change people who upheld these toxic ideals. But it’s because of this rejection of toxic masculinity that Izzy dies. There’s no loyalty in the system; just because you helped them once doesn’t mean that it won’t spit you out and discard you. Even the people who have power in the system (white men) are not valued by it. But true community gives value. Izzy dies this time not alone but surrounded by people who care about him. The people around him when he dies pretty much all wanted him dead in season 1 and now they mourn and remember him fondly.

Izzy’s arc with crew is wonderful because it’s the shows thesis on unconditional love and the willingness to be kind even to those who don’t deserve it. Because look at how it helped everyone. To be loved is to be changed and it’s no surprise that the last shot of season 2 had Izzy and Buttons together changed.

[melrosing]

Is Jaime a rapist ?

summarily I accept that GRRM himself does not consider what he wrote between the twins to be nonconsensual, and I factor that intent into my reading of Jaime and his scenes with Cersei. I am aware of the kind of push/pull play GRRM thinks he’s portraying, and whilst I do not find that portrayal effective, I personally find it more meaningful to critique his failure in conveying consent in this play (an issue that recurs throughout the series) rather than hold the character accountable.

others do not care what GRRM’s intent was because it reads a certain way to them, and they cannot disregard that in favour of what GRRM thinks he wrote. death of the author is a thing, and I think people have every right to read those scenes that way. I feel it’s important to respect the way people interpret this kind of material, because the ways in which they do can be deeply personal. that’s where I’ve always stood on this.

but again as ever, I believe it’s v important to engage with good faith and respect in this kind of subject matter, and have seen people try to weaponise bad faith readings in stan wars, from both sides of this debate. and i think that is deeply shit.

[kerryweaverlesbian]

They really fumbled the season 14 emotional core specifically by not having Mary be present and recognisably Mary for MOST of the season. It feels like we see more of her after her death than before it, and when we do see her before it she's a completely different character who's their uncomplicatedly loving mom.

Take season 10 Charlie, who was present and dynamic and alive and forming new relationships with other major characters and was generally a big part of the plot for season 10. Take season 12 Mary even! So cool they fridged her thrice. The high level of emotion from Dean and Sam after her (apparent) s12 finale death was meaningful to the audience because Mary IS season 12. Take season 7 Bobby! He is active and present and having an emotional arc and has been consistently a part of the fabric of the show.

And compare these to season 14 where she is living in a cabin with an unimportant side character, she's being sweet and motherly full stop, she's in The Pearl where her husband comes back from the dead and she has NO complicated scenes or emotions to process with Dean or Sam and gets maybe 3 lines in the whole 'pisode. The show doesn't give a fuck about her. And this is after season 13 where she's mostly in another world doing fuck all.

For a death to have weight in fiction you need to remind the audience consistently that THIS CHARACTER IS IMPORTANT by having them form new relationships, do things for the plot and generally be present onscreen. As it stands, even though intellectually I know that if MY mom got killed and her murderer came to see me going 🥺 it was her fault really 🥺 will you comfort me 🥺 and I knew they were going to kill more people, I would probably be easily persuaded to put them in eternal prison or shoot them in the head - the emotional truth of it on the show just doesn't carry through.

It feels like an overreaction for Dean to be so angry about this for so long because the show didn't care about Mary enough to have her around. What is he losing by not having her around? In season 14, they don't show us. They did in s12 - the potential to be seen, and the complex joy of getting to know his actual mother rather than the idea of her. And by not showing us, it makes it not exist, because its a tv show and anything that isn't being depicted implicitly isn't important to the story. If you removed all of Mary's scenes from s14 before her death, what would change? Pretty much nothing.

Now to be clear, I don't think they should have fridged Mary at all. But they could have at least done it properly. The sexism that made the writers less bothered about characterising Mary thoughtfully in s14 is a blight on the show.

[eriexplosion]

The thing is that I do think Tech is alive, because I think that the complete lack of actual onscreen closure is downright incompetent if he's not and these writers are not incompetent. But despite this belief, I don't think they should have done the plot like this. At all.

If he's dead, then we basically dropped our autistic character off a bridge for no reason. Nothing was accomplished on the mission, nobody's character arc is affected, the whole entire plot line of reuniting the family we spent two seasons on is nuked for ~drama~, and we spent a bunch of season 2 screentime on things that would never go anywhere. The writers refuse to engage with the loss on any interesting level because the death was sooooo important to do but not so important to spend any of our season 3 screentime on dealing with the fallout.

If he's alive, then we spent a full year marinating fans in a bunch of stress because of the disposability of autistic characters in media, jerking people around with vague hints and dangling Tech in front of everyone while every discussion about it turns into a toxic waste dump. Nobody is benefiting from this, it's literally just a horrible stew of people treating each other like shit over blorbo opinions. Plus some fun autistic panic on the side because the thought of him actually being dead and having to see people constantly praise yet another autistic character's completely pointless shock value death as sooooo meaningful and special makes me nauseous.

So like, I'm enjoying season three, it's been fun and they've done great things with Crosshair's arc that as a Crosshair Fan I've been thriving on. But like, as an autistic person the cloud of the Tech Situation is going to hang over the whole thing until we get some resolution or the series fucking ends and I get to decide what I'm going to mentally write out. And I would prefer to have skipped that whole portion of it.

[wildernessuntothemselves]

You Are My Queen Now | Final Part

Word Count: 15.4k

Genre: Smut, angst, fluff

Summary: Growing up as a child of a minor lord, you had it instilled in you since a young age that you needed to find yourself a rich and affluent husband that would not only provide a comfortable life for you, but would also help further your family’s position in the court. So it was of the utmost importance that you remain a virgin in order to land such a coveted husband.

The problem lies when the man you secretly love, Prince Beomgyu, suddenly and unabashedly propositions you.

Warnings: somnophilia, dry humping, thigh riding, cunnilingus, mentions of domestic abuse, physical fight, handjob, boobjob, gyu being pussy whipped, slutshaming, gore, major character death, and some other warnings i can't give without spoiling the ending but just know it's a very dark fic

“Beomgyu, what are you doing? Get down from there!” You shout, noticing Beomgyu scaling one of the nearby walls of the garden. 

“I’ll be right down” He yells back to you over his shoulder. 

“You’re not a boy anymore. You could fall down and hurt yourself.”

“I won’t.” He protests stubbornly, his words faltering as he almost loses his footing on the wall, making you gasp, your heart plummeting down the same way you imagined he would have. 

“Beomgyu, don’t stress me out like this. It’s bad for the baby.” You wail, your pregnant state lending a nice vulnerable effect to your pleading words. It works very well because in the next moment Beomgyu gives in and starts climbing back down the wall. He walks towards you with shoulders slumped and a dejected frown on his face 

“What has gotten into you?” You ask him and he shrugs. “I wanted to get you a sunflower.” 

You furrow your eyebrows at the silly reason behind his dangerous action, an unwanted memory of pearl necklaces and bloody bandages springing forth into your mind. You shake your head to dispel the intrusive thoughts. “You could’ve had one of the gardeners get one.” 

“But that’s not the same.” He whines, plopping down to the floor next to you. “I wanted to get you one, you know, like old times. But all I got are these stupid flowers.” He throws said flowers at your feet, sulking. 

You roll your eyes at his little tantrum. “Beomgyu, you shower me in gifts every day.” 

“I know but it doesn’t mean much anymore. I want to give you something meaningful to cheer you up.” He sighs, getting closer to you and cupping your face between his hands. You refrain from pulling back at his words that remind you why you’re in such a sour mood. “I hate seeing you so sad.” 

Lately, there have been a lot of unflattering rumors swirling around about you following your wedding and especially after your pregnancy has been announced. People have been calling you all kinds of nasty things–a homewrecker, a cheater, disloyal, unworthy… and of course, a whore. 

Among Taehyun’s supporters, you’re seen as an adulterer who betrayed her husband and spread her legs for the king in order to win the crown. They theorize that you’ve been prostituted since a young age by your own father (a claim you have no doubt has been pushed primarily by Heejin’s family) and planted at the palace to seduce to the younger prince before jumping to Taehyun when the king refused to let Beomgyu marry you, then jumping back to Beomgyu when his father was out of the picture. 

Even among those who support Beomgyu, you’re seen as a low-born noble who clawed her way up the ranks by seducing the king and having him get rid of his rightful wife. They believe you not fit to be his queen, that you’re below him because you’re not only not royal but that you don’t even bring him or the kingdom any political or monetary advantages. On the contrary, you only bring them war and death. 

Neither side is kind to you. They both see you as the whore who bewitched the two men. How else could a woman of your standing get these two powerful men to fight over you to the death like this? 

“I only wanted to do good.” You look down in pain. You didn’t expect Taehyun’s men and his people to hold any fondness for you but for even Beomgyu’s vassals and the common people to view you so disfavorably? It crushed you. "I tried to help them. Why are they doing this?"

“Do you want me to stop the project? Round up those who talk ill of you and punish them?” Beomgyu asks firmly, that fiery anger he gets when someone hurts you blazing in his eyes.

You shake your head. "No. Let them. They're not worth my time." It’s no use, punishing them won’t make it any better. They’ll just hate you more. Only Beomgyu loves you. You will be safe as long as you stay by his side. Only he can ever love you. 

He sighs defeatedly. “I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.” 

“Come, lie down on my lap.” You gesture to him and he obeys, laying his head on your thighs and facing your growing belly. He kisses it, grinning in that endearing way that makes his eyes crinkle and your heart leap in your chest. “I can’t wait to meet you, baby.” 

You smile at his airy giggles and pick up one of the flowers he collected, snapping off most of the stem so you can nestle the rest between the strands of his hair. You then grab another flower and do the same until his hair is filled up with the colorful petals in a delicate crown upon his head. 

“Stunning.” You awe, prodding his head up just a little bit to see your handiwork. 

“Am I?” He arches one eyebrow, teasing. 

“Very. But you could look even more stunning.” You ponder, taking off your necklaces and wrapping them around his neck one by one. “Now I know why you love dressing me up so much.” You half-tease, half-swoon at how breathtaking he looks with the mess of different flowers in his hair and your necklaces draped around his neck. He looks just like what you imagined those woodland nymphs you read about in your books would look like. “Remember when I used to put makeup on you when we were kids?” 

He laughs heartily at the memory. “Of course, you always had fun at the beginning but then you’d get all pouty and annoyed and huff about me looking prettier than you.” 

“Well, you were.” You cross your arms over your chest, huffing. 

Beomgyu suddenly sits up and pulls you onto his lap, burying a hand into the hair at the nape of your neck and pressing your face inches from his. “And now? Still think I’m pretty?” 

You bite your lip, suddenly feeling hot. “Well, yeah… But also sexy.”

He smiles, pleased, and pulls you into a sweet kiss. 

But when he pulls back, face still so close to yours, you can easily see the bags under his eyes that droop heavily from fatigue. As far as you know, he’s winning the war, but that triumph necessitated an insurmountable amount of work and time spent in meetings and war councils that went on from the brink of dawn till late at night. He still made sure to put aside time to spend with you and the baby growing in your belly, but even that must be taxing on his already depleted energy. 

You know you shouldn’t feel bad for him–he’s doing this to get rid of his one and only competition–but your heart can’t see your Beomgyu suffer and not ache along with him. You know if you tell him to go take a nap, he would refuse, insisting that spending time with you was more important than even his own health, so you go with the next best thing. 

You lay him back on your lap, running your fingers through his silky hair while you murmur a slow love song to him, trying to lull him into a peaceful sleep right there in your arms. 

“No, I don’t want to sleep.” He whines, catching onto what you’re doing. After all, you’ve been doing it for a few days now. 

“Please, baby, for me?” You whisper softly, trying not to scare away the sleep from his pretty eyes. “I need a little nap.”

“Oh, well if you need it.” He yawns, giving in. wrapping his arms around your waist and nuzzling his face into your belly. 

You smile at your tired lover fondly, leaning back against the tree behind you and closing your eyes before beginning to sing again, the both of you drifting into a peaceful, warm slumber under the soothing rays of the dazzling sun. 

______________________________

You wake up with a liquid heat gathered in the pit of your stomach. Anyone else experiencing this strange sensation might've thought it unusual, but not you. You’re quite used to it by now. 

You register Beomgyu’s wet tongue lapping at your pussy before you even open your eyes to confirm it. Beomgyu has been at this for weeks, starting the day with his face buried between your legs. He has been even more insatiable ever since he got you pregnant. He can’t even look at the little bump of your belly without getting heated up. 

As for you, you've heard that pregnancy can decrease your libido and make you withdraw from sex but in your experience, it's been quite the opposite and Beomgyu was more than happy to satisfy your heightening needs. Even when you aren’t in the mood to have actual sex, Beomgyu would content himself with eating you out and jerking himself off like he's doing right now.

Basically he would wake you up with his face buried in your pussy and if you were in the mood, you would grab his hair and pull him up to get fucked and if you weren’t in the mood you'd just let him give you a nice little orgasm while he got himself off too–a little something to get the both of you through the day. 

You feel Beomgyu’s hands leave your thighs and move up your body to push your delicate nightdress down to expose your breasts, moaning out as they come into his view. "They're getting bigger, huh?"

You blush under his lewd gaze. "Yeah."

"Push them together." He groans, jerking urgently at his cock. 

Beomgyu has always liked your breasts, and now that they’ve been getting bigger, he’s become positively obsessed with them. Whenever you two are alone, things would always devolve into him latching onto them, kissing and sucking on the sensitive flesh until it’s all red and glistening with his saliva. Even when he is too busy to properly pay them attention to them because he has to do paperwork or the like, he would sit you on his lap and write with one hand while holding one of your breasts with the other, intermittently squeezing it like his own personal stress reliever as he reads over and signs the documents. 

You obey his request, pushing your breasts together and flicking your fingers over your nipples, whining at him for neglecting your pussy for those few seconds. "Puppy." 

Maybe you're more horny than you thought. 

"Want me to take you, baby?" He bites his lip, noting the way your pussy gushes between your splayed legs.

You do, but you want to mess with him even more so you shake your head. "No. Want my king to hump the bed like the horny dog he is." 

Beomgyu doesn’t shy away for a second, biting his lip at your filthy request. "I got you, my queen."

He leans down to catch your pussy with his mouth once again while simultaneously pushing a couple of fingers inside you. But it wasn’t his mouth or his fingers that truly drove you insane, it was the way he ground his hips against the mattress in pace with his pumps as if he was imagining it was his dick fucking you instead. 

You love seeing him so needy for you, yet so obedient. He’ll take anything you give him even if that was just your attention as he got the both of you off. 

And it doesn’t take him long to do that. He cums first, his moans half-muffled by your pussy before he pulls his head up to let you look at his face that is twisted in pleasure, just like he knows you like. His fingers keep pumping rapidly into you as his own hips stutter and he stares at you, slack-jawed and pleading. 

“Cum for me, my queen.” 

“Beomgyu, fuck!” You scream, grabbing him by the hair and pushing his head back down, grinding yourself against his pretty face as you orgasm. 

Fuck, how have neither of you had your fill of each other yet? How are you just as needy now as the first night even as you lay boneless in your post-orgasmic bliss?  

Beomgyu climbs up your body to press a soft kiss against your lips, giggling when you kiss him back dazedly. “I really tired you out, huh?” 

“Just a little bit.” You answer lazily, leaning into his touch as he carasses your body. "You don’t have to leave the bed, you know? I can have the maids come and take care of everything, get you your food, your painting supplies… my mother says pregnant women need plenty of rest." 

You roll your eyes. He’s been trying to stop you from making even the slightest bit of effort ever since the pregnancy was discovered. "I'm not that heavily pregnant yet. I can still move." 

"I know. I just want you to be safe and comfortable. Both of you." He rubs your belly lovingly. 

"We are, puppy." You really are. Beomgyu is going above and beyond to make you happy. He has put himself completely at your beck and call–along with everyone he rules and everything he owns. You want for nothing in your blissful little bubble that he has made for you. 

Only, you wish that bubbles weren’t so fragile. No matter how much he and you try, you can never completely keep the bad thoughts and horrible dread at bay. He doesn’t tell you but you know he is closing in on Taehyun now. You hear it all around the palace, and you worry that you will receive news of his demise any day now. 

That is why you sorely need any distraction you can get. You can’t stay in bed with your calamitous thoughts all day. 

You shake your head at Beomgyu and smile. “Don’t worry about me. I just want to spend some time with my friends.”

____________________________

Friends–a word that has been foreign to you all your life, but somehow you’ve managed to gain a few friends this time around–made yourself a little group from among the ladies in waiting and others who frequented Beomgyu’s court. 

You can’t say that you’re close to most of them, nor do you really talk about your private affairs but it's still nice to be around people who are there by their own volition rather than having been forced to accommodate you because the royals ordered them to.

Yes, you’re not close to them but that doesn’t mean you know nothing of their situations. Secrets aren’t a thing in the socially intricate and gossipy landscape of a royal palace, and everyone’s business gets passed around like a particularly sublime wine for all to enjoy. And now that you have your own circle of friends, you too get to be privy to those poorly-kept secrets. You learn that you weren’t misery’s sole companion, that everyone else is touched by it too. 

Even the high-bred ladies suffer from their own misfortunes; Lady Minjun can't give her husband a child and he resents her for it, making his distaste clear by sleeping around and fathering numerous bastards from other women. Lady Namjoo’s husband prefers the company of men. Lady Hayoon’s in-laws aren’t fond of her and they make it their personal mission to sabotage her marriage to her husband who won’t even stand up for her in front of his family. And Lady Chaeyoung's husband hurts her behind closed doors. 

Chaeyoung was the first of your so-called friends. After she had cheekily congratulated you for putting Heejin in her place, you two started speaking more and more and eventually became close–well, as close as the situation permits. She had a quiet demeanor which made her blend into the background when she was around other ladies, which is why you didn’t take much note of her before, but when you were alone, she demonstrated an impressive sharpness of wit and a penchant for bluntness that you’ve quickly grown to appreciate. 

Out of all the ladies you’ve befriended, she was the one you’re most likely to actually consider a friend. Which is why you were all the more heartbroken when you noticed the suspicious marks on her skin.

She had at first dismissed your concerns, chalking the bruises up to her being clumsy and unintentionally hurting herself. But you’ve never known her to be particularly graceless and the shape of fingerprints on her skin was unmistakable. Eventually, after much insistence and prodding on your part, she told you the truth, confiding in you that when her husband loses his temper, he often times takes it out on her. 

You were horrified to hear that. Her husband is a big brute and she’s such a frail little thing–how can he hurt her like this? You wanted to get Beomgyu involved immediately, knowing he’s the only person powerful enough to put a stop to this, but she adamantly refused, insisting that her husband didn’t mean it and that he promised her that he would stop. You didn’t believe him. That’s what they all say, only to turn around and hurt you again and again. Still she had begged you not to tell Beomgyu and you didn’t on the condition that if he does it one more time, you’d have no choice but to tell. 

And here she is again, with the marks of his anger on her body. 

“What is this?” You ask Chaeyoung, grabbing onto her arm where you can see a bluish bruise peeking out of her sleeve. 

She yanks her arm back and tries to cover it. "It's nothing, my queen."

“It’s not nothing.” You scoff, keeping your voice low so that the other ladies won’t hear. "Is your husband hurting you again?" 

"It’s my fault. I drove him to it. If I had just listened, he wouldn’t have needed to act that way." She hurries to defend him, and something about her response makes you both livid and profoundly sad. 

“No! It’s not your fault. Don’t you dare say that again.” You hiss lowly, set off by her words. “He is the one to blame. He is the one who hurt you, and he has to answer for what he did.”

“No!” She panics, shaking her head vehemently. “Please, don’t! Just let it go, my queen. I’m fine.”

“He can’t keep getting away with this. I won’t let him. If you don’t want Beomgyu to know then I’ll confront him myself.” You get to your feet, your mind made up. You don’t listen to her cries and pleads. You can’t really hear them, too focused on the ringing between your ears and the unbidden tears springing to your eyes. 

You march towards where you know he would be and demand to talk to him alone, all the while Chaeyoung keeps trying to get you to back down. You pull him out of whatever meeting he’s in, demanding to speak to him alone. He has to oblige you. You’re his queen after all, and so he follows you to an empty room where the three of you can be alone–well you three and the guards who stick to you closer than your own shadow. 

“What is the matter, my queen?” Lord Myeong, her husband, asks with faux-politeness, looking between the two of you. He never was quite able to sell the fake respect the other lords and ladies have had to treat you with ever since you got married to Beomgyu, his disdain of you managing to shine through every time. 

“The matter is that you dare to lay your savage hands on her. What kind of man lays a hand on his own wife?” You shout at him, your voice shrill with disgust.

Realization dawns on his face and he glares at Chaeyoung. “What happens between a man and his wife is only for them to know.” He tells you, a sharp edge to his voice, but he still tries to maintain his affected cordiality. 

You, on the other hand, don’t bother with those stupid pretenses. “Not when your ugly handprints are all over her skin for everyone to see. What is the matter with you?” 

“I was merely punishing her for acting out. I have the right to discipline my wife.” 

“She is not a child or a misbehaving dog. She is your wife. How could you do this to the woman you vowed in front of the gods to love and protect?” 

The man rolls his eyes and looks at you like you’re wasting his time with your silly womanly wiles, and it makes you almost burst from the anger building up inside you. “I am your queen and I demand that you never lay a single finger on her again.” You command forcefully but the man dismisses you as if you were nothing, always nothing. 

“Should I now?” He asks cockily, eyeing you up and down. “Maybe if the king disciplined you once in a while, you’d learn your place.”

His words make you see red, and before you can control yourself you launch yourself at him, punching him right across his unpleasant face, hearing a crack as your fist connects with his nose. 

"You fucking bitch!" He howls, touching his nose in shock, his teeth grinding together when his fingers come away bloody. “I’ll fucking get you for that–”

You tense up, preparing to fight as the huge man advances on you. What did you do? You can’t take him. He is too big and strong to fight off. Unless…

Your hand reaches for the dagger tucked away inside the skirt of your dress, prepared to do anything to protect yourself in your moment of madness. Thankfully, before he can reach you, the guards step in to shield you. 

“Back away.” The head knight barks at lord Myeong, his deep voice booming around the room.

Lord Myeong stops in his tracks, vexed but not about to lose his life over this. “Of course, the whore hides behind the king’s men.” He spits out before turning his furious gaze towards Chaeyoung who was shaking in the corner. “Wait till we get home.” 

He tries to grab her but you quickly order the guards to stop him. They do, shoving him away from the small woman. But when you order them to throw him out of the room, they refuse. 

“I’m your queen. You obey when I order you to do something.” You hiss at them but they don’t budge. 

“Fine. We’ll see what the king has to say about your disobedience.” You scoff and attempt to exit the room yourself but they stand in front of the door, blocking your way out. “We’ve already sent word out for the king. No one is going to leave this room before he gets here.” 

“Some queen you are.” Myeong snorts and you go to attack him again in reflex, burning in humiliation, but the guards step in and hold you back this time. 

“Let go of me.” You scream, fear and panic spiking inside you at the traumatic memories that being restrained brings back. You kick one of them in the shin, getting him to let you go before you punch the other one in the stomach, freeing yourself and moving away from them. 

“Don’t you dare touch me again.” You heave out frantically. 

“Crazy bitch.” You hear lord Myeong mutter under his breath, further igniting your rage but you don’t try to attack him again, focusing your energy on trying to get out of the room that suddenly feels all too suffocating.  

“Let me out.” You try again but they refuse, on their guard for any further attacks from you. 

“Let me fucking out!” You scream, growing more and more agitated with every passing second. 

Thankfully, Beomgyu arrives at this moment, bursting through the doors and rushing towards you at the first glimpse of your panicked state. “What is going on? Why are you screaming? Are you okay?” 

“These imbeciles don’t know how to carry orders from their queen.” You hiss in the direction of the guards, still disquieted but feeling better now that Beomgyu is right next to you. “They refused to let me leave. They even fucking restrained me.” 

“Is that true?” Beomgyu turns on the guards and the head knight stutters out, no longer sounding so frightening when faced with the king’s wrath. “S-she was attacking lord Myeong, my king. We j-just thought you’d prefer to sort things out before we let her go.” 

“Well, next time don’t think.” Beomgyu barks at them, “She’s your queen and you will obey her orders unless you want to be thrown in the cells.” 

“Y-yes, my king.” He backs off, and bows to you. “I’m sorry, my queen.” 

The rest of the guards echo his words, their apologies soothing your fire a little bit. But then Beomgyu turns to you and snuffs it out all together. “Now, what happened here?” 

"Nothing, my king." Lord Myeong straightens out as he talks to his king–so different from how he addressed you. 

Your scoff at his changing attitude catches Beomgyu’s attention and he turns back to you, seeking an answer, but you don’t say anything, too embarrassed by everything that happened to speak right now. Beomgyu gets the message, reading you easily just like he always does, and escorts you to a separate room so you can explain yourself freely, away from the others. 

“Beomgyu—” You tear up, throwing your arms around his neck, needing him to comfort you after your fuck up. He wraps one arm around your waist while the other goes to brush away the stray tears that leave your eyes. “It’s okay, my love. Tell me what happened and I’ll fix it.” 

He will. He always does. Every time you lash out at someone or do something stupid, he always has your back. 

“He hurts her, Beomgyu. He beats her up. We can all see the ugly blue and green bruises on her skin.” Your lips quiver as you recount to him what happened, telling him how she asked you not to go to him and promised you that the beatings will stop, and how you flew into a rage when they didn’t. 

“Oh, baby, my kind-hearted queen. You just wanted to help your friend, didn’t you?” He coos softly and you nod. “But you should’ve come to me, still. I would’ve helped her. Don’t I always help?” 

“You do.” You admit quietly. 

“Then why didn’t you come to me?” He asks and you feel an uncomfortable, queasy feeling budding at the pit of your stomach at that question. You don’t want to answer that. You don’t want to unfurl the seed and let it grow into the hideous monster it can be. 

So you go with half of the truth. “I wanted to fix it on my own. No one takes me seriously, Beomgyu.” 

He sighs. “And you think threatening to punch people–or in this case actually breaking their nose–is the way to get them to take you seriously?” He reprimands you and you try to draw back, feeling embarrassed, but he doesn’t let you go, using the arm he has around your wasit to hold onto you and pull you tighter against him. “My love, you need to let go of the savage ways he’s taught you.”

You press your lips into a thin line at that, your hackles raised. Taehyun isn’t savage. He taught you to defend yourself for the first time in your life, something that Beomgyu never did. He only shielded you from the abuse when he noticed it or when you told him. He never taught you how to protect yourself.  

Beomgyu doesn’t like your silence. He never does. But thankfully, for now, he lets it go, sighing. "Stay here." 

But you grab onto his arm before he can go, fretting. "Is Chaeyoung going to be okay?"

"I'll take care of it." He promises you, pressing a soft, reassuring kiss against your forehead before he leaves you to deal with the mess you created. 

As you’re left alone to simmer in the aftermath of your most recent fuck up, you realize just how much you’ve strayed from Taehyun’s teachings. You almost were something, almost were your own person, but now you’re even worse than before. Weren’t you the woman who once stood up to the fearsome lord Taehyun and got him to listen to you? Now you’re hiding away as you let Beomgyu take care of problems you created while trying to reclaim that phantom power. You're back to being the stupid helpless little girl who needs Beomgyu to do everything for her. This is just what he wanted, isn’t it? Well, he succeeded. 

You’re yanked out of your ruminations when you hear the door open. You look up to ask Beomgyu how it went, only to find Chaeyoung standing there. 

“Oh, Chae–” You rush towards her but she puts her hand up to stop you and you halt. “What–”

“Why did you do that? I told you to let it go!” She fumes and you draw back in shock. “I was just trying to help–”

“No, you were trying to make yourself feel better about your own issues with the king.” 

You freeze at her words. “What are you talking about?” 

She scoffs. “It’s obvious. I don’t know what exactly is going on with you and the king, but god knows everyone has heard the rumors, and whatever unresolved shit you have going on is making you feel helpless and angry and instead of confronting him about it, you lashed out at my own husband to make yourself feel better about your own complacency.”

You shake your head forcefully. “That’s not true. It’s not.” The hot tears sting at your eyes once again, but Chaeyoung doesn’t care for it. No one does except Beomgyu. 

“Yes, it is and don’t you deny it. Because if you actually cared about what’s good for me you wouldn’t have put me in danger by confronting Myeong.”

“P-put you in danger?” What is she talking about?

“Yes. Do you think what you did will make him hurt me any less? It will only make him more angry!” 

“You’re staying with him?” You ask incredulously and her answering laugh is haughty and bitter. "You're staying with Beomgyu?" 

You clamp up.  "What other option do I have? You think I can just separate from my husband and not be completely ostracized from all my friends and family? I don’t have a king who would kill his own wife and buy my annulment so he can marry me."

"That is cruel, Chae." You croak. How could she say this to you? She might not know the full story of what happened between you and Beomgyu, but just like she said, everyone has heard the rumors, and her being one of the ladies in waiting, she is sure to know more than anyone else about what you’ve been through at his hands. 

She takes in a deep breath to try to calm herself down, and you can see how underneath her anger, there is tremendous fear. “I’m sorry but you need to hear it. I didn't ask you to intervene. Worry about your own problems from now on."

She’s right–the seed unfurls, the monster grows. The only reason you got so enraged and out of control is because what she said reminded you of what Beomgyu has always told you–that you’re the reason for your own suffering, that if you had just been good, that if you didn’t try to escape, that if you let him do what he wants to you, he wouldn’t have hurt you like he did.   When she blamed herself for what happened, it felt like she was blaming you too. 

"I'm sorry. You're right. It was about me. I guess I just saw my situation in yours and couldn't control myself. It was selfish of me. I just feel so helpless and I wanted to do something for once." 

"You are doing something.” She insists, stepping closer to you for the first time since she came into the room. “You’re using him to make things better. It's the best anyone can do in your position. You know the peasants are talking shit about you and yet you’re still helping them and he's letting you. You may not be carrying out those good deeds directly but you're accomplishing more than you ever could have with Lord Taehyun. The king will do anything to please you. You just have to ask." 

You contemplate her words in silence. You suppose she’s right about that too. You may not be doing anything directly. People may look down on you and belittle you. But through Beomgyu, you can accomplish so much and he would be more than happy to let you. Maybe you should just get out of your state of self-pity and acknowledge that you’re more lucky–despite it all–than most of the other ladies here. 

"But you need to be careful because you’re costing him too many allies by your reckless actions. If you keep this up, you'll be damning him." She continues, and that more than anything, gets your attention.

You hadn’t thought about it that way before, too caught up in your own feelings to know any better. Beomgyu never said a word about it to you either. You suppose he’s just so intent on proving to you that he has your back and will not let the others treat you in a way you don’t like anymore, that he’s letting you ruin his court relations. 

"I don't want you to remove my husband from the palace. That would just make things worse for me. So could you please smooth things over with the king?" She asks you, and you give her a small nod. “Thank you.”

You still feel a hint of satisfaction when Beomgyu drags Lord Myeong into the room, the bigger man looking denigrated and subjugated as he apologizes to you and his wife. You merely give him a nod while Chaeyoung graciously announces that she forgives him.

"Get your things ready. You leave at first light." Beomgyu announces when he’s done, and Chaeyouung shoots you a panicked look. 

“Actually, I would like him to stay” You interrupt, shocking both men. You bow your head and continue, "If my king will permit, of course."

“But the way he treated you–” Beomgyu balks, unable to stomach the offense to his wife.

“I provoked him.” You bite down on your tongue as you parrot the incriminatory words. “Neither of us behaved particularly civilly.” 

“But, baby–” Beomgyu moves close to you, whispering quietly. You hold his right hand between your two smaller ones, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “It’s okay, my love. Give him one more chance. For me.” 

He still looks uncomfortable with letting it pass, but you turn to face Lord Myeong, scowling at him in warning. "If he will give you his word not to hurt Chae again." 

Beomgyu turns to him and the man nods tightly. "I give you my word, my king." He proclaims, then bows to you. “My queen.”

It’s hard to keep in your scoff, and you can’t look at the coward much longer. Luckily, you don’t have to as Beomgyu waves his hand, dismissing them both, along with the guards, leaving only you and him in the room.  

“I don’t like this, darling. He almost laid his hands on you.” Beomgyu recounts angrily, taking you in his arms. “He almost hurt you.” 

“I hurt him first. I started it.” You repeat uneasily, and it’s almost funny how Beomgyu finds issue with the sentiment when it doesn’t relate to him. 

“You can do whatever you want. You’re his queen.” Beomgyu argues, “If you want to, I can bring him back here and you can use that dagger of yours to brighten up his face a little bit.” 

His suggestion, entirely too serious, sends a shiver down your spine. 

The king will do anything to please you. But you need to be careful because you’re costing him too many allies.

You shake your head. “No. I need to start acting like a lady again.” You look away, your lower lip wobbling and cheeks flaming, but Beomgyu turns your head to face him once again. “You’ll always be a lady. No one can ever change that.” He presses a kiss against each of your tear-stained cheeks, before continuing, "But I must admit that there are better ways to get people to listen to you than punching them in the face. No matter how endlessly funny I find it when you do that."

You can’t help but smile a little at his joke, allowing yourself to really look at him, and you see nothing but adoration shining back at you. Beomgyu is in love with you. He'd do anything for you. So why are you standing here worrying about anyone else? 

“You’re so pretty.” He whispers, kissing you slowly, his soft lips molding against your own as your breaths mingle and your tongues meet. You can never get tired of kissing Beomgyu, each kiss containing a multitude of emotions that never wane–love, lust, need, ecstasy, relief… He kisses you like it’s the first and last time he ever will. Even this slow kiss is so heavy with feeling, it takes your breath away. 

“Am I?” You ask once you break the kiss, mouthing along his jawline. 

“Yeah. So perfect.” His breath hitches as you move down his neck. “Oh, love, if you keep going like that I’m going to–Oh…” 

You slip your hand under his pants, palming him as you suck on his sensitive neck. “Going to what, puppy?”

“Going to lose control.” He finishes, and you chuckle cockily. “As if you ever had any control when it came to me.” 

You take your hand out of his pants, hushing his protesting whine, and walk him backwards until you reach a chair and push him on it, getting down on your knees between his legs. 

“Darling, no, don’t sit on the floor. Want you comfortable–” 

“Hush, Beomgyu. Be a good pup and let me play with you however I want.” You chastise, shooting down his overly-protective tendencies as you take him out of his pants and jerk him into hardness. 

“Yes, baby.” He groans, throwing his head back against the chair as he hungrily watches you pumping his cock from under his heavy lashes. He’s too damn easy. So what if everyone thinks you’re his whore? You have him wrapped around your finger. He’d do anything you tell him to. He adores you. He’d spend his days and nights worshiping at your feet if you let him. "Love it when you use me." 

"Yeah?" You shiver, soaking up his need and adulation that hit you like the buzz of a strong liquor. You really can’t live without him. You live off his love. He wants to give you everything–himself, a family, even the whole kingdom. No one else matters to him and no one else should matter to you.  

You push yourself up to loom over him and cup his chin with your hand. "Open your mouth."

He does, sticking his tongue out, ready for you to spit in his mouth. His eyes flutter when you do and you feel his cock jerk in your other hand. 

"Filthy." You sneer, but you can’t hide the thrill that goes through you at that, neither do you even try. He deserves to see your own need. "And that bastard dares to say you can discipline me." 

Beomgyu quickly pulls his tongue inside his mouth and grinds his teeth together as his hazy eyes clear up a little bit. "He said that? I'll kill him." 

"No. He doesn't matter." You brush it off, pushing him back down. None of them matter. Only Beomgyu. "As long as you're mine."

"Always."

You push his shirt up his body, bunching it up under his chin as your free hand feels his tummy up to his pert nipples–his soft tummy, so different from the hard planes of Taehyun’s abdomen now that Beomgyu allowed it to go back to its natural state. You don’t know how he got it into his head that you wanted him to resemble Taehyun when all you’ve ever wanted was everything he was.  

Beomgyu’s back arches when you flick one of his nipples lightly, his cock getting pushed further into your fist as he mewls. 

“So sensitive.” You purr, nudging his poor nipple again and again. “So desperate. You fuck me every day and night and yet you’re still so needy. Is it never enough for you?”

“Never.” He vows breathlessly. “How can I ever get my fill when you’re the most wonderful creature the gods have ever created?”

The words come to him so easily, pouring forth like a sweet balm to soothe any semblance of worry in you before it has the chance to flare up. This is what you needed. This is what love is. Yes, it hurts sometimes, but god when it’s good, nothing and no one else compares. 

"More…” Beomgyu pleads, hips nudging upwards ever so lightly. “Just a little bit more. Please." 

“Of course, whatever my baby wants.” You coo sweetly, too sweetly, increasing your pace on his cock a little bit. Just a little bit though, messing with him until he groans out in frustration. “Baby, please!”  

"What? I thought you said just a little bit." You cock your head to the side in mock confusion but the playful giggle you can’t hold back at his pout gives you away.

“You’re always so mean.” 

“Oh, puppy.” You finally take pity on him, leaning upwards to press a kiss to his lips as you quicken your pace, much faster this time, and his mouth falls open as moans stream out of it.  

"You have such a pretty cock, puppy, so big and thick. It feels so good when you fuck me." You tease him, knowing it will just drive him more insane. And it does just that, the imagery getting to his dumb head. "Yeah? Want to fuck you so bad."

"Of course you do.” You pout sympathetically, “You're ready to fuck if I even just glance your way, aren't you?"

"Yeah. All ready for you, always." He nods, hips thrusting up to fuck your fist.

“Did I say you could do that?” You hiss and he quickly stills,  whimpering at your harsh tone like a scolded dog. 

You pause for a moment to take your lover in, sprawled on the chair with his dick out and his shirt pushed up to his neck, his hands fisted into the cushion below him so he wouldn’t be tempted to touch you. He looks delectable and he’s all yours to enjoy. "You can't control yourself, can you? Maybe I need to be put on a leash or you'll be humping my leg every chance you get."

He moans at the lewd idea and surges forward to kiss you. You allow him to do it, if only so you can rile him up more, before you grab him by the neck and push him back. "You like that, don’t you, puppy? Should I make you a gold collar and put my name on it too? Show your court who rules their king?"

"Yes. You own me. You own everything." He babbles heatedly, "Whatever my queen wants, she gets. I'm just your obedient dog."

"Fuck, yes you are.” You bite down on your lip harshly, your thighs rubbing together in need at his pathetic display. “My vicious, feral dog. Come on, hump my hand." 

"Thank you." He mewls, thrusting his hips up to fuck your hand once more. He is so lost in that measly amount of pleasure, taking anything he can from you, that an even more wicked idea pops into your mind. 

“You really want to cum, huh?” You drawl cryptically, making Beomgyu tilt his head, giving you a confused look even as he continues to fuck your fist. But you don’t make him wonder for long. "Let's see if you can cum on command. I'm going to count down from ten and I want you to cum on one, pup."

"Baby–" He tries to protest but you’re already going through with it. 

"Ten." You start, making his eyes wide, and suddenly his thrusts turn frantic. 

“Good boy.” You purr, twisting your fist around his cock as a little treat for his obedience. “Nine.” 

“You’re going to kill me.” He croaks and you huff out a little laugh. If only you could. Your grip gets a little tighter around him, unintentionally helping him out. “Eight.” 

As you keep counting down, he gets more and more breathless. 

"Please, please." He cries out in desperation. “It’s not enough.” 

“Are you saying I’m not enough?” You purposefully twist his words, delighting in sick pleasure as he gasps and shakes his head. “No, no, you’re more than enough!”

“Then stop complaining and be good. Five.” 

His heartbroken wail goes straight to your pussy and you wonder if you’re the one who is going to cum on one. He just looks so delicious, sprawled there whimpering and crying as he strives to obey your almost impossible command. 

“Four.” 

“Baby… my queen…”

“Three.”

“Fuck–nghhh–”

“Two.” 

“I can’t. I can’t!” He freaks out, his eyes blown wide as he stares between you and his pistoning cock. 

"One." You take your hand away and he wails. You’re disappointed for a second–you really thought he could do this–but then you see his body go rigid before it convulses, cum spurting out of his red cock as he sobs. 

You gasp out in delight and reach out to run your hands over his feverish skin, calming him down. "Good boy." You praise, leaning up to kiss his tear-shocked face. “I’m so proud of you baby. You did it.” 

Beomgyu chases your lips, catching your lips with his own as he whines into your mouth. “So mean.” 

“Why? You got to cum.” You ask him in confusion, "Did that not feel good?"

He shakes his head and sniffles. "No. It was horrible."

"Oh, you poor pup." You take his cock in your hand and stroke it languidly, unsure if he can take it. He seems to like it though and so you ask, "Do you want more?"

"Yes.” He nods empathetically, “Yes please."

"Well, since you were such a good boy." You quicken your pace, his cum making a mess of him as you use it to stroke him. 

"Such a messy pup." You tsk, leaning forward to lick it. You don’t do a good job, a thick trail of saliva and cum linking your tongue and the head of his cock. But you weren’t trying to clean him up. You just wanted to tease him more, knowing how messy he likes it. 

"Ah please! Suck my cock."

You grin, once again getting just what you wanted. “I have a better idea.” You tell him, spitting on his cock and spreading it along his length while your other hand pushes the top of your dress down, exposing your breasts to him. 

“What?” He stutters, watching wide-eyed as you place his cock between your breasts and push them snuggly around it. “Come on, puppy. I know you’ve been dreaming of this.” 

"I love you." He effuses, making you laugh as his hips thrust up wildly under you to push his cock between your breasts. 

This should be humiliating. You’re on the floor, knees sore and tits out as you let him fuck them just so he can add even more to the cum and spit already covering them. But how can you feel anything but powerful when this is the king himself you have being so pathetic for you? When the one thing shining brighter than lust in his eyes is his love for you? 

“Are you okay, puppy?” You ask him, noting how he’s struggling to keep his eyes from rolling back and the way he’s panting like a dog, sweat glistening on his skin from the struggle. "Going dumb from fucking my tits?" 

"So pretty…" He whines, his thrusts growing sloppier and more erratic. "Going to cum… please let me cum."

“Go ahead, baby. You’ve been good.” Your praise, more than anything, pushes him over the edge, and he cums all over your breasts, his seed decorating your chest in beads more beautiful than any pearls. 

“That’s it. Let it all out, darling.” You coax the last bit of his cum out of his cock, rubbing the head of it against your nipples in a way that has you shaking in need. God, you need him inside you. You feel so empty. 

Sensing your need, or perhaps seeing it on your face, Beomgyu grabs your arms and pulls you to your feet, planting you onto his lap as he buries his face in your chest, licking his cum right off your tits and pebbled nipples. 

You can’t take it sitting still so you start rubbing yourself against his thigh, a fire lighting up inside you as he tickles your nipples with his tongue and sucks on them. You’re so wound up that it doesn’t take long for that fire to become an inferno, your legs clamping around his thigh as you cum, pulling his head back harshly by his long hair to give him an open-mouthed kiss. 

"Please… fuck.” He whimpers, moving your ass up so you’re sitting on his cock that is now hard once again. “Baby, please take my cock, use me." 

But you shake your head, sitting up and putting him back in his pants while he whines and protests. You press a firm kiss to his lips, shutting him up. "You have things to do. We can’t stay here all day. Go do your duties like a good king and maybe I'll let you cum inside me tonight." 

“Yes, baby.” He shivers, the fucked out look still apparent on his face as he gets up, and the thought that everyone is going to see him like this and know you’re the one who did this to him has you swelling with pride. 

___________________________________

You don’t know how you didn’t see this coming. You knew both men were out to kill each other. You knew Beomgyu offered to pardon whoever defected from Taehyun’s men and compensate them handsomely for it. You knew more and more people were turning their backs on Taehyun. You knew he was losing, and yet this somehow still comes as a shock to you. 

Kai has been captured, betrayed by Taehyun’s own men and brought to the palace to be used however Beomgyu sees fit. As it so happens, what Beomgyu sees fit is using Kai's life to bargain for Taehyun’s own life. He’s asking Taehyun to give himself up in order to save his little brother. 

Suddenly, everything becomes real.

“Sweetling, calm down.” Wonyoung’s musical voice trills out, halting your anxious pacing. 

“Calm down? How can you be so calm?” You shrill, “Aren’t you scared for him?”

“Of course, I am but I have to stand behind my brother.” Her composure ticks you off. 

“He’s going to kill Kai!” You exclaim. How can Wonyoung act so coolly about this? Doesn't she have feelings for Kai?

She sighs wearily. Despite her being a few years younger than you are, in moments like these, she feels much more mature and aged in comparison to you, like a wizened old spinster who has seen everything there is to see and knows better than you silly little you. “Not if Taehyun gives himself up.”

No. He can't do that. You shake your head in denial. “He can’t. He won’t. If he gives himself up, then the war is lost. He’s the only thing keeping it going right now. His men will put their swords down if he’s captured.” 

“Whether he gives himself up now or keeps fighting, the war is already lost. It’s better to surrender now before he’s betrayed by his own men too.” 

You grimace at her prediction. God no, that can’t happen. It would simply kill him. He has worked so hard for his city, sacrificed his childhood in order to become a strong, competent leader to his people. He suffered so much hate and malicious rumors and yet he never bowed under the pressure. So for him to go out this way, given up by his own men… it would kill his already broken spirit. 

“He’s going to take the fall for everyone. He has no choice but to give himself up so Kai can live and his city can be spared from slaughter.” She tells you, and in your delirious state you imagine you can hear a hint of sorrow in her gentle voice. You shake your head once again, childishly refusing to acknowledge the gruesome truth. She speaks again, even more gently, "Come on, sweetling, did you really think this was going to end any other way?" 

“I don’t know." You croak, Beomgyu's words clanging around inside your skull. 

I'll let you see his severed head when I bring it home to you.

She doesn’t say anything else, knowing there was no use. She just holds you and lets you cry. You already know she’s telling the truth. You just refuse to believe it. You refuse to believe it’s ending this way–just like Beomgyu wanted. Always like Beomgyu wanted. 

_________________________________

Once again it’s Wonyoung who accompanies you to visit Beomgyu’s newest prisoner. She could get in a lot of trouble for this and yet she does it anyway. You don’t know why. She doesn’t even go with you into the room Kai is being held in, weakly admitting that she can’t see him in that state. But she asks you to make sure he’s comfortable. She had requested from Beomgyu that he be held some place befitting of his status, but since she has never gathered the courage to visit him herself, she couldn’t be sure if Beomgyu had kept that promise or not. 

The guards standing outside Kai’s makeshift cell hesitate to let you in, telling you that you need permission from the king first, but Wonyoung wouldn’t have any of that. 

“This is your queen you’re speaking to. If the king finds out that you’ve refused an order from her, you’d be thrown into one of the cells, and it won’t be as nice as this one, I can promise you that.” She threatens the guard, who exchanges a look with the men flanking you. Your head knight gives him a small nod. “Listen to your queen.” 

The man takes in a weary breath and shakily raises his hand to unlock the door, the keys clanging together from the way his hand trembles. When he pushes open the heavy door, Wonyoung turns away, not bearing to even glance at her captured lover. 

“Stay here.” You quickly order your guards before you step inside. They hesitate, but before they can think it through, you shut the door in their face. Sure, they can open it again, but you’re certain Wonyoung will prevent them from doing so. 

Once you’re inside though–your back facing Kai after you’ve shut the door–you hesitate, suddenly realizing that you don’t even know why you’re here. You haven’t prepared anything to say. You’re not sure you even have anything to say. 

“Took you long enough.” Kai's voice hits your back. It’s so different from how you remember it–so tired and weak. You quickly turn around, seeing him for the first time in so long, and your heart hammers at how different he looks. 

Gone are the soft, boyish features–his round cheeks replaced by sharp bones, his eyes sinking in their sockets, his usually smiling lips pressed into a sardonic smirk. He looks exhausted. While Beomgyu has gotten softer and more radiant since you came back, Kai’s life force seems to have been stripped away from his body. 

This is what war does to those caught on the wrong side of it. This is how you know Beomgyu couldn’t have lost. The boy in front of you looks ten years older. He looks like he has seen the worst that a human can see, while Beomgyu has been thriving more and more each day. There was never any hope for Taehyun. 

Oh god, if this is what Kai looks like, then what about Taehyun? 

“Is… h-how is he?” You ask tentatively, and Kai lets out a little laugh. “Why don’t you ask him yourself. You’ll be seeing him soon enough.” 

You wince and wring your hands together anxiously. “How can I help him? There has to be a way to save him.” 

Kai scowls, getting up and walking towards you. Your heart leaps in your chest for a moment, thinking he’s going to attack you before his shackles stop him from reaching you. “There is no way. He’s been doomed since the second he laid eyes on you. You should’ve left him alone. If you had just done that, he would’ve been safe.” 

“I’m sorry.” You weep, “I didn’t know it would end this way. If there was something I could do–”

“Go back to him. Die by his side, do something right in your life.” Kai compels you and you scoff at his change in tune. “Didn’t you tell me to stay away from him?” 

“I thought that would stop your lunatic but it didn’t. It just broke Taehyun’s heart. He doesn’t love easily and I ripped the one person he loved from him.” He confesses sadly, but you shake your head in denial. “Taehyun doesn’t love me. He’s only doing this because he has a compulsive need to do the right thing even if it ends in disaster.” 

“That may be true but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. I saw it with my own eyes.” 

“Then you saw wrong.” You shake your head again. Taehyun doesn’t love you. You don’t know what Kai thinks he saw but it wasn’t love. Beomgyu looks at you with love. You’ve never seen that look in Taehyun’s eyes. "And even if that was true, Beomgyu would never let me go. I can’t escape him.” 

“You can kill your monster.” He cuts you off, “You can rid the world of his evil.” 

Just the thought of it makes your heart clench painfully. You stare at him, wide-eyed. “I–I can’t do that… I’m carrying his baby.” 

Kai scoffs. “You’re really something else, aren’t you?” 

Humiliation burns deep inside you at his disgusted expression. "You told me to leave!" You scream. What does he want from you? 

"But I didn't tell you to fuck him.” He denounces, and in that moment you can’t even recognize the sweet boy you met a year ago anymore. “I thought you didn't want to be known as his whore."

"I am not his whore.” You insist, distraught. You shouldn’t have come here. You shouldn’t even try to leave Beomgyu’s side anymore. Only he is safe. “I am his wife and I am carrying his rightful heir."

"And was this rightful heir conceived before or after the illegitimate marriage."

You hold in your tears. "Fine. I am rotten, just like him. I admit it. Are you happy now?"

"You should’ve realized it sooner. Your pity party is killing my brother." He spits out in disgust. “You never loved my brother. It was always Beomgyu you wanted. You just used my brother to get what you want. Well, congratulations on the happily ever after you’ll have once Taehyun is dead.” 

________________________________

Your heart almost stops when you step out of the room and come face to face with Beomgyu. He looks enraged, but you don’t even have the energy to fight with him right now. And when you collapse into his arms, sobbing uncontrollably, he too puts whatever he had to say to rest for now, carrying you in his arms and muttering to Wonyoung that he’ll deal with her later as he takes you away. 

It’s funny how you seek comfort in him from the very thing he caused and how you actually feel soothed by him. This is why your protests never get through to him. How can they when he always manages to get you back into his arms? 

You don’t see where he is taking you as you cling onto his body and hide your face in his neck. You only realize that he’s taken you back to your chambers when your back hits the mattress and the comforting and familiar smell of the room fills your nose and allows you to calm down enough to speak.

“I don’t want you to kill Taehyun.” You claw at his back desperately, your eyes searching his own for any sign of mercy. “Please.” 

He looks at you with anger in his eyes, for daring to beg for Taehyun’s life, but you’re surprised to also see pity there, and that pity tells you that there is no point to your begging. “You know I have to do it. I have to set us free. I have to protect our baby.” 

But you still plead your useless case–for if you really wanted to save Taehyun. You know what you must do. “So exile him. Banish him from the kingdom. Just don’t kill him.”   

He shakes his head, much more patient than you ever expected from him. Why was he being so gentle with you when usually any allusion to Taehyun would have him fuming with rage. Is it because he knows he has already won? 

“He will always be a threat to our family for as long as he lives. You know that.” He reminds you, “It’s time to end it. Aren’t you tired of this?” 

You are, so very tired. So tired you can’t reciprocate the kiss Beomgyu initiates, prompting him to pull back to look you in the eyes. And that’s when you realize why he’s being so sweet. He’s afraid he’s going to lose you again. He’s afraid that Taehyun’s death will make you withdraw into yourself again. He’s been keeping you as far away from the war as he possibly could so you wouldn’t fully fathom the gravity of it all, but now that it’s ending, there is no escape from the heavy price. 

When it comes down to it, is it going to be him or Taehyun you’re going to protect? 

“I love you.” He tells you urgently and waits for you to say it back, his eyes swimming with fear and uncertainty, his soul just about to drown in them. His soul, your other half, how could you possibly let it sink? 

“I love you too.” You finally say it, and his sigh of relief is like a drowned man’s first gasp for breath after being revived, quickly followed by more and more. 

“I love you. I love you.” He sobs, smothering you with kisses that you swallow down eagerly. 

He makes love to you, needy and scared, clinging onto you tight enough to leave room for nothing but his whispered confessions and pleas for yours. 

"Say you love me." He begs urgently, craving it more than his building release. 

"I love you." You blabber, your own ears not able to distinguish your words from the pathetic sobs as his hips smack against yours feverishly, but he hears them. 

"Say it again."

"I love you." 

"Again. Please." 

"I love you."

"Only me." 

"Only you." 

Beomgyu doesn’t let you breathe in anything that isn’t him. He surrounds you everywhere–his heat, his scent, his heartbeat… it all blends together and flows into you, uniting your being with his so tightly you don’t know where you end and he begins. 

_____________________________________

“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” You whisper to the man behind you in an effort to not wake up the sleeping baby laying in his crib in front of you–your baby, your little prince. 

“Is he?” 

That voice. 

You immediately whip around, fear gripping your heart as you come face to face with the man you once called your husband. 

“Taehyun!” You stammer, reaching your arms out to try to protect your baby from him but when you hazard a glance back, he’s not there. 

“Where is he? You ask, panicked. 

“I could’ve given you a child. That baby should’ve been mine.” 

Tears spring to your eyes at his words. “Please, give him back.” 

But he ignores your plea, advancing on you. You try to move away but your legs don’t obey you. They keep you rooted to the spot as he comes closer and cradles your face in his hand. “Why did you leave me?” 

"I wanted to protect you." You attempt to answer, but your uncertainty is evident even to him. 

"Did you?" You look away guiltily but he turns your head back towards him. "Did you also give him a child to protect me? Are you going to let him kill me to protect me?"

"I tried to stop him but I failed. You saw what happened. I always mess up. I don't know what to do, Taehyun." You cry, but Taehyun isn’t Beomgyu, and he isn’t going to coddle you no matter how much you cry and whimper. "That's not an excuse."  

“I know, I–” He kisses you, shutting up your worthless justifications. Once again you can’t move. You have to stand there and let him devour your lips, his kisses harsh and angry. 

So you focus on gathering all the strength in your body, an effort so immense just to take a step back and beg, "Stop." 

He hears you and he pulls away, but only enough to talk, his lips brushing against yours as he does. "Why?”

“I’m married to Beomgyu.”

That makes him laugh darkly. “That didn’t stop you before. You cheated on me. What does it matter if you cheat on him too? That's what you do." 

You try to shake your head but he has your hair all fisted in his hand. “Don’t deny it. You want to be fucked, I know. Maybe if I had fucked you enough before, you wouldn’t have ran after his dick.” 

He rips your dress from your body, tearing it away the same way he did when you wore that dress Wonyoung got you, and with the same disdain. “I hate these fucking dresses.” He growls, “But you love them, don’t you? It’s another reason why you crawled back to him. I tried to give them to you, lost my fucking eye over it, but you couldn’t even give me some more time.” 

“That’s not why I left.” You deny, but that just makes him angrier. 

“Don’t lie to me. You know what I do to liars.” He hisses, grabbing your chin and digging his fingers into your cheeks, forcing your mouth open for him to kiss. He coaxes your tongue out, sucking on it before grazing it with his sharp teeth, making you shiver with both fear and lust. 

Are you lying? If you aren’t then why are you letting Beomgyu kill Taehyun? Why haven’t you killed him when you had the chance? 

Because you love him. Because you can’t live without him. Because he’s the father of your child. Because even though he is wicked, you could do so much good together, help so many people, live the rest of your life trying to atone for the horrible sins you've committed. 

But will you ever be forgiven?

As if he could hear your thoughts, Taehyun asks, “Do you believe him when he tells you that everything will be okay when I'm gone, angel? Do you think you'll forget me when I die? You think he’ll ever forget that I had you when he can taste me on your lips? Even if he kills me, he’ll always know that you let me shove my cock inside your pretty mouth and your tight cunt.” 

“Taehyun!” You gasp. This was so unlike him–the possessiveness, the jealousy, the emotion.  

“What? You like it when I talk to you like this? Treat you like the whore you are?” He grabs the underside of your thighs and lifts you up, walking you towards the bed before throwing you on it and prowling up to cover you with his body. He looms over you. "And you, you think it won’t eat you up alive everyday knowing what you did to me?"

"Then kill me." You beg him and he laughs. Clearly you aren’t strong enough to hurt Beomgyu or yourself, but he is. He can end you. He can end this tortured existence. "No, you don't deserve the mercy of death. You deserve to live by that monster for the rest of your miserable life."

“Taehyun–ah!” You squeak as he rips your legs open.

“Look how wet you are. You really like this, don’t you?” 

You bite your lip, trying to gather up your own emotions like precious gold, scared to show them to him lest he steal them away. 

He scoffs at your silence. “Come on, angel, speak up. I can’t know what you’re feeling if you don’t talk. So speak up.” He mocks, his fingers gliding up and down your spread pussy, his eyes falling to your hole as it flutters around nothing. 

His fingers tease around your entrance as his gaze flicks back up to you, harsh and angry, before he slams his fingers inside you, making your mouth fall open in a sharp cry. “Speak up, bitch.” 

“I’m sorry.” You weep, not knowing what else to say as his fingers ram into you, much too fast and hard. “I’m sorry, Taehyun.”

“Are you? Are you really?” He tilts his head to the side jeeringly, but you nod earnestly. “I am. I am.”

“If all that’s going to come out of that pretty mouth is lies then maybe you shouldn’t talk.” 

“W-what–hmph!” He stuffs his fingers that were just in your pussy into your mouth, choking you on your own taste. 

"You never loved me. You used me.” He spits out bitterly, and you feel his cock prodding at your entrance before it breaches your hole in one stroke. “You killed me."

Suddenly, Taehyun looks different, his clean, white skin covered in nasty cuts and bruises, a hideous gash extending across his neck, dripping warm blood onto your naked body. 

Overcome with the urge to throw up at the sickening sight, you close your eyes tightly, hoping to dispel the gruesome image, but he screams at you to look at him, not letting you escape what you did. 

“Look at me. Look at me! Look what you did.” 

You cry as you shake your head, hot tears flowing down your cheeks. Or maybe it was blood. 

"Don't cry." He screams at you as he continues to fuck you, uncaring about the pain he’s causing you or the blood that drains from his body. "You fucking killed me, you bitch."

You shake your head harder, unable to speak with the fingers buried deep in your mouth, the tips of them hitting the back of your throat and making you choke on something that didn’t taste like you anymore. No, it tasted metallic and nauseating. 

"Don’t cry." A voice shouts in your ear, much more vivid and clear this time. It feels more real than everything else and the shock of it allows you to finally, finally, spit the fingers out, sputtering out repeated No’s as your whole body spasms with cold dread.  

“Please, stop crying.” It tells you again, surprisingly gentle and worried. “Calm down, baby. I’m here. Please, princess!” 

Princess? 

Suddenly, you’re pulled out of this void of agony and despair you’ve been plunged into. Blinking away your tears, the ghastly visage of your past lover slowly loses its crimson discoloration as it morphs into the terrified face of your husband, tears of his own streaking down his flushed cheeks as he gazes at you in horror. 

“Beomgyu?” You croak, voice scratchy and strained. “W-what’s happening?” 

“You were having a nightmare, baby.” He explains, sniffling. 

“Why are you crying?” You ask, cupping his cheek and weakly wiping his sparkling tears away. 

“You were making all those noises, like you were being choked, and I–I was so worried.” He whimpers, leaning into your touch. “It’s so stupid. You’re the one who was having the nightmare, but I was so scared because I couldn’t get you to wake up. I couldn’t reach you in there.” He breaks out into a loud sob at the last part, lips trembling as he relives the terror. 

“I was scared too.” You whisper, pulling him tightly against you as if the physical proximity would allow him to protect your soul from further attack. 

Is this what your life is going to be like from now on? Plagued by nightmares of what you and your lover did? Getting trapped in a ghoulish dreamland where Beomgyu can’t reach you to comfort you? Is this your divine punishment?

______________________________

Taehyun is here. He is here to give himself up to appease Beomgyu’s wrath and save everyone else. He’s here to die so you can get your happily ever after. 

And here Beomgyu is, getting dressed in his ceremonial armor to personally carry out the execution of the man whose only sin was briefly making you his. 

You get dressed too, your attire blood-red just like Beomgyu’s so you wouldn’t be able to see any of the blood that might splatter in the aftermath of today’s abomination. 

"Don't make it hurt.” You plead your lover, and Beomgyu snaps his head to look at you with equal parts fury and imploration–half a mad king and half a child begging for something he wants but knows he shouldn’t have. "Let me take my vengeance on him."

"You're decimated his army, brought him to the ground, and now you’re going to take his life. What more do you need?” You press your hands against the gold of his breastplate, seeking the heartbeat you know is under there. “Just give him a quick death. Get it over with. Please, for me."

He looks into the distance, the request not sitting well with him, but he didn’t shoot you down immediately which tells you that he’s at least considering it. 

“Fine.” He says at long last and your knees buckle in relief under you as if you had managed to save Taehyun. “You don’t have to come, you know?” 

“I thought you said you would kill him in front of my eyes.” You remind him of his own words and he gives you a weary look. “I was mad when I said that. I never want to intentionally hurt you.”

You laugh wistfully at his claim. What he means is that he never wants to hurt you in a way that wouldn't benefit him, and he knows that seeing him personally kill Taehyun might be too much even for you.

This has always been Beomgyu’s method–keep you away from the battlefield so you’d forget all about his monstrous actions. But you owe this to Taehyun. If you’re the reason he’s losing his life then the least you could do is look him in the eye during his final moments and face all the hate he has for you. 

“I have to come.” 

“My queen–” 

“I chose you. You owe me this.” You snap at him and he recoils, shoulders slumping. He’s so anxious about ending this that he doesn’t have the energy to protest much “Yes, darling.” 

________________________

If you thought Kai looked bad, then Taehyun looks like he already has one foot beyond the veil. You’ve never seen him look so small, stripped of his leather and armor, his muscles–though never remarkably big–wasting away from malnourishment and the stress of war, what appears of his skin bruised and discolored, and his hair cut in a blunt style so as not to obstruct the vision in his one good eye. 

Dear god, his eyes. 

He's not even wearing the black enamel anymore, a hollow socket left in its place surrounded by darkened skin, giving you a glimpse of what he will look like once the crows have picked out the other eye. After all, dead men have no use for sight. 

But for now, he sees, looking at you with that singular, stormy eye of his, and you don’t know how you missed it before–perhaps it got diluted in the middle back when both were intact, and then was overshadowed by the black orb he put in-but you see so much emotion there now, intensified enough by the singular outlet for you to finally perceive. 

Anger, pride, regret, disappointment, fear… and so much more that you can't begin to untangle, so much that will be silenced forever when his vision goes dark. 

His gaunt face had been so startling to behold that you almost missed the necklace wrapped around his neck… a pearl necklace, your necklace!

W-What? Why? Why is he wearing that? What is he trying to do? 

You ponder it for a second, eyes jumping around the room in a confused frenzy, before they land on Beomgyu’s sword, and you’re immediately hit with a sickening realization–he’s showing the world who is behind his death. You are. You did this to him. 

Suddenly, you see him as you saw him in your dream, wounded and bloody. You see Beomgyu standing over his corpse, triumphant. And it takes everything in you not to fall to your knees. 

He doesn't deserve this. It had been so exhausting for you to fight your short battle before you gave in and ran back to your captor, but Taehyun has been fighting all his life. He never gave up, never flinched back no matter the horror he was facing. He even fought for you when you couldn't be bothered to fight for yourself. And yet here you are, preparing to watch him die for the sin of choosing to help you when he should have turned away like all the others. 

No act of kindness goes unpunished. 

You shake your head, a few bitter tears getting dislodged in the process and burning down your cheeks.

It has to be done. You think as Beomgyu recounts to the crowd of noble men and women gathered the crimes he has fabricated for Taehyun, his only real crime standing there for all to gawk at.

It has to be done. You think as you watch the proud man being forced to his knees, his head lowered down so his pearled neck could receive the royal sword’s fatal kiss. Still, he attempts to look at you, raising his face up to pin you under his gaze the same way the guards are pinning him to the floor. 

It has to be done. You think as Beomgyu, enraged that Taehyun even dares to look at you, grabs him by the back of the head and shoves his face back down. But once again, Taehyun looks up at you. 

It has to be done. You think as Beomgyu angrily unsheathes his sword and doesn't even ask Taehyun for his last words. 

It has to be done. 

Gods help you for what you're about to do. 

It's easy for you to slip past the guards flanking your side. You’ve proven yourself loyal to Beomgyu and so they forsake watching you in favor of watching the deadly dance of their king and the reviled warlord. 

You didn't expect to do this, you contemplate as your legs that were so heavy before carry you easily towards Beomgyu, as if walking on air, your arms solidly brandishing the dagger you had been gifted by the man on his knees. 

Taehyun is the only one to react to your sudden movement, eyes widening as he gasps. 

Or maybe he’s the only one you can see or hear, because suddenly Beomgyu is turning around to face you, startled. It all happens slowly, so painfully slowly. You can see the concern on his face first, followed by shock when he sees the dagger glinting in the sunlight, and then pain erupts across his beautiful face as the dagger plunges itself into his chest. 

You let out a pained wail even before he does. 

"I'm sorry." You choke out, your fingers grasping the hilt of the dagger in a death-grip as if you could take it back. As if you can undo what you've done. "I'm so sorry."

You hear people running behind you but Beomgyu barks at them. “Don’t touch her!”

They immediately still, clueless as to what to do as everyone else is in this court of madness. As clueless as you are. 

Oh, gods, what have you done?

“Hey, it’s okay. Don't cry.” Beomgyu murmurs softly, braving the pain to comfort you. Always comforting you even as your knife is buried in his chest. “I hate seeing you cry."

That just makes you cry harder. You’ve made a terrible mistake. "Beomgyu, I–" 

Your eyes widen as you’re cut off by a sharp pain that overwhelms your senses, and you look down to see Beomgyu's sword jutting out from your abdomen. You look up at him in confusion, not grasping what you’re seeing. Beomgyu would never hurt you like this. He would never. "Beomgyu?" 

But if the excruciating pain radiating from the sword protruding from your belly isn’t making it clear enough, then the horrified screams of Wonyoung does. "What have you two done?!" 

You also hear an anguished shout of your name, followed by a commotion and what sounds like someone being restrained. 

But you don’t look at any of them. You only look at the man in front of you–your lover, your soulmate, your killer. 

"Shhh. It's going to be okay.” He hushes your pitiful cries. “I'm not going to leave you. Never again." 

Of course. It all makes sense now. Beomgyu promised to never let you go, and he’s not going to break that promise even in death. 

"I love you." He murmurs, pressing a tight, pained kiss to your lips. 

"I love you too." You say helplessly. You deserve it all. You deserve him. You harbored this monster, loved and nourished him, reveled in all the twisted pleasures he gave you, hid between his sharp claws that were sullied by the blood of others. So how can you expect a different end to such a despicable existence?

"I'll find you in our next life." He vows to you, smiling as if it were your wedding day again. "I'll get it right next time. I promise you."

Next time? The thought sends a chill down your spine. 

No, please, let this be the end. You love him endlessly and tirelessly. The sun might grow sick of the day sky, the waves might abandon their shores, mothers might forsake their young, but you’d never stop loving Beomgyu. 

But you can’t do this again. Please, let your souls intertwine and become a distant star, far away from everyone and everything, together forever or until the lights in the heavens go out. But not this again. 

"It looks like you hit my heart. How ironic is that?" Beomgyu lets out a shuddering laugh before he kisses you again sluggishly. "Don't keep me waiting for long. I’ll miss you. I love you."

“Beomgyu, I–” 

He slumps forward, falling limply into your arms. 

Wonyoung shrieks, running towards you and taking him from your paralyzed grip. “Call the palace physician. Get him here now!”

The whole court springs into action, trying to save their king and queen. But you know it’s no use. He’s already dead. You know he’s dead. You can’t feel his soul anymore, and you know that soon, you will be too.

______________

You’re not dead yet. How could you not be dead yet when half your soul is already rotting away? Why are you still clinging onto this miserable world that has lost all its color and beauty with the departure of your loved one? The gods must truly enjoy your suffering to want to prolong it this much. 

When the door creaks open, your dying heart gives a weak thump, still foolishly hoping it would somehow be Beomgyu on the other side, back to tell you that he’s okay after all, that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed to be, and that he forgives you for what you had done. 

But it wasn’t Beomgyu. No, because you killed him. 

It was Taehyun, who now seems to resemble death itself, and for a second you wonder if the gods were playing a particularly cruel joke on you by having your collector take on the form of the man you had betrayed and betrayed the love of your life for. 

“Taehyun?” You ask shakily, growing more anxious the longer he hesitates at the door. Startled by your voice, he finally moves, walking towards you with trepidation in his step that is entirely too human. “I’m here.” 

He takes your hands in his and you stare down at them, feeling the chasm in your heart pulsating hideously at the touch as if in protest. 

"You saved me." He breathes out incredulously, like he can’t believe it. You can’t believe it too. 

"You deserve to live." You tell him, matter of fact. Everyone got what they deserved. 

"So do you." He proclaims and you smile wistfully. Oh, Taehyun. 

"What is going to happen to you now?" You ask him, brushing off his misguided declaration and he frowns, considering whether to push his point or just answer your question.  

For now, he answers your question. "I don't know but princess Wonyoung–well, I should say queen Wonyoung now--is allowing me and Kai to return home if we agree to a ceasefire. I don't think she cares about continuing the war anymore. Neither do we."

"Right." With Beomgyu dead and you to follow him, what else is there to fight about? 

"It won't be easy dealing with the fallout but–" 

"But it's better this way." You finish for him. 

"No! How can it be better when I'm losing you?" His voice wavers and you look at him curiously. Is he going to cry for you? After all you’ve done? 

"Don't cry over me. I don’t deserve it. I loved him." 

"He tricked you. He–"

You squeeze his hands firmly, or as firm as your dwindling strength allows, stopping his empathetic excuses. "I still loved him and you know that. You don’t have to pretend like I’m blameless just because I’m dying. It isn't like you."

"I just…" He trails off, staring down at your joined hands uselessly. 

"I still loved him… I loved him and he killed our baby. He didn’t want me to live if he wasn’t going to have me.” You pause, letting out a tired laugh. It was never about protecting your child after all. It was about keeping you. “You know what the sad thing is? I wouldn’t have wanted to live without him either, but he didn’t even give me the choice. He never did.” 

Taehyun stays silent and you wonder what is going on inside his head. He must think you’re stupid for expecting anything else from Beomgyu. He must think you deserve it now. He must find you abhorrent for saying you would have killed yourself if Beomgyu hadn’t. 

"You should go." You sigh, the breath coming out harder now.

But to your surprise, he shakes his head. “No. I won’t go.” He says, taking out the pearl necklace he was wearing at his failed execution. "I am not going to leave you alone." 

He leans forward, trying to wrap the necklace around your neck but you lift your hand up and push it down, shaking your head. 

"I won't be alone." You say and he looks at you in confusion. "I'll be with him."

His face changes into the contemptuous expression you've been expecting all this time. "You're choosing him again? I can't even win against his corpse?" He spits out bitterly, taking the necklace back and shoving it in his pocket.

"I killed him for you. What more do you want?” You ask him tiredly. Haven’t you already made the ultimate sacrifice for him? Is even this not enough? Can’t you spend your last moments on alive with the one person who loved you? The person you betrayed for Taehyun? The person who is now cold and stiff on his deathbed, waiting for you to warm him up or grow cold next to him. 

He’s so, so cold… 

“You know you never even said you loved me once?" 

“I did–” He protests but you cut him off. “You’ve never said I love you and meant it.” 

He opens his mouth and you hold your breath, the world stilling around you. 

Do you want to hear it? Would it make anything better? It would only dig the knife of what could’ve been deeper. What use is it now?

But you do want to hear it. You want to believe that you could’ve had someone else’s love, that you could’ve deserved more than what Beomgyu dictated for you. 

But then he shuts his mouth again, furiously wiping away his tears as if it disgusted him to have any evidence of them left.

"Go, Taehyun. I don't want to spend my last few hours on this earth doubting if I am worthy of love or not. At least he loved me. He's the only one who ever did." 

And so he leaves–storming away angrily and slamming the door behind him, but he leaves. He always leaves. 

Isn’t it time for you to die yet? 

In the wake of Taehyun’s furious exit and behind your useless tears, you see Wonyoung enter, a vision of an angel as she floats down towards your deathbed. 

"Is there any way I could make you more comfortable?" She asks softly. 

"Why are you so nice to me? I killed your brother."

She shakes her head, always so patient despite her grief. "He killed himself when he started all of this."

You don’t get her. How can she be so fine with this when the weight of what you’ve done is killing you faster than the sword they took out of you. "Aren't you angry at me?"

"What use is being angry? Is it going to bring him back?" She asks, finally letting a little edge creep out in her voice, but she quickly reins it back in. "My brother made a lot of mistakes, some he was driven to and some by his own volition, and they all led to where he is right now. It is no use to dwell on it. Why spend your last hours making you answer for sins you've committed together? For sins I was a part of. I killed him as much as you did when I encouraged his unhealthy obsession."

You fall silent for a while, considering her words. She’s right. What use is it dwelling on any of this and leaving him alone? You’re going to die soon so you might as well let go of your guilt. The gods will make you answer for your crimes whether you feel sorry about them or not. 

"I want to be with him." You finally say and she nods. “He’d like that.”

__________________

They take you to him, laying you both down on your bed before leaving you alone with only a single candle burning on the bedside table. It’s good. Your souls need the peace. 

You look up at your lover’s deathly visage and frown. He used to be so expressive, in happiness, in love, in anger, in madness… never was there such a lively spirit as his, but as you look at him now, you find nothing but emptiness that resounds in your very core. It chills you to the bone as you curl up tighter around him, chasing a warmth that isn’t there anymore. 

You don't know what will become of the others now. Will the war really end? Is Wonyoung going to be a good queen? Will Taehyun get remarried? How will Beomgyu be remembered in a hundred years? Will you both be wiped out from the history books?

You hope so. The oblivion of death can’t come soon enough. 

Mercifully, you can feel the drug Wonyoung had given you making its way from your faltering heart to your collapsing veins, pulling you into a slumber you know you won’t be waking from. 

You smile at the thought, leaning up to kiss the corner of Beomgyu’s lips before whispering one last “I love you.”

And with that, you finally let go.

______________________

A/N: well, it's finally over. make sure to let me know what you thought of the end or i will cry. lol jk but i really really appreciate all the feedback. thank you all for coming on this journey with me. i definitely wouldn't have been able to finish this fic if it weren't for all your support ❤️

and now, click on this link to see the future fics i have in store and vote on your favorite one. the one you pick will be the one i write!

[crithaus]

Been seeing so many tweets abt it and I wanna get back on yonder soap box for a second cuz I have my own musings

I had always wondered if Vax would show up when Vex was drowning in Dalen's Closet and then when he didn't I wondered why and mused that barring the above table reasons of this being a game with set rules and Matt can't just deus ex machina their way outta all their scraps, that below table the Deal Vax had already made with RQ for Vex's safety was all the flexing she would allow him to do and then voila Vex comes back anyhow, and I think it's important to note that as Vex was dying Liam slipped out of Derrig's character, something he doesn't do much, and into Vaxbrain ("We had a deal, Matt.") to Express how unhappy he was that Vex was drowning and the deal he'd made was being routed and I think that's proof enough that Vax would if allowed absolutely come down there and rescue his family from any and all scrapes if he was able to,

Now with this latest episode, We saw Otohan bedecked Paragon's Call with RQ's symbols, we know Otohan has the poison that prevents you from being rezzed which is an affront to RQ's domain and position if I've ever heard one, we know the attack on Kiki was on purpose and possibly to get RQ's attention, get her looking and all, and this whole situation with Ludinus is the biggest threat yet faced to all the gods and all their domains,

And that's why she let Vax through the gates this time, just in time to wrest that permadeath dagger away from the heart of the love of his life. I don't think Vax could have been there without the requisite chips falling where they did, without RQ letting him, I think the thought that he busted through all of those gates unprompted and w/o permission is a little disingenuous because Vax would want to do that for any and every one of his family members every day all the time forever, but it makes perfect sense that as the Raven Queen's champion he would be sent down to stop Ludinus from freeing Predathos and it makes perfect sense for Vax to veer off from his official business, to shirk his responsibility and use the opportunity given to go to her, to do such a grand and meaningful gesture for his one true love, and tl sound so unclouded and present while doing so, I mean

This is Vax we're talking about. The guy who looked death (death herself both times y'know, Otohan and her dagger and RQ, two sides of a coin or something) right in the eye, twice, clutching his girls to him and telling that nigh all powerful entity to fuck right off cuz they can't have these girls he loves more than life? Peak Vax behavior. To know he's been watching Keyleth for so long finally seized his moment to help her, and did so with gusto? True love. The purest kind, the Vax-iest kind. Not even death can stop his love for her, for Vex, for Vox Machina.

And I think after this all is over they need to renegotiate the terms of Vax's service so he can stay back past the gates with the rest of his family cuz RQ is a stingy bitch and should have been MUCH laxer with gate-crossing privileges, I mean Vax has more than earned it now