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sparrowsage · 6 months

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The Warehouse: Digging Up Old Memories

Buckle up, because this piece is something. I really enjoyed writing this piece, even if it is a giant emotional show lol. A huge shoutout and thanks to @flowersarefreetherapy for giving me the general idea for this piece! I hope I did it justice! And thank you to @darkthingshappen, @oddsconvert, and @whumpcereal for cheering me on as always!

HEED THE WARNINGS FOR THIS ONE!!!

TW: Minor whump (Jayden is 14), head injury, threatened noncon drugging, implied noncon (off screen), threatened noncon, mentions of past noncon and torture, implied future noncon, character death (off screen), suicidal thoughts, adult character referred to as 'boy', adult language, heavy grieving ((If I missed anything, please tell me and I'll add it!))

“No, I’m sick of doing this shit!” Jayden yelled, stepping back from Logan as the Keeper moved in closer, towering over the teen. “You never stay true to your word! I can’t let you stand by and hurt Sparrow after I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do!”

Sparrow stared at the two of them, wide-eyed as fear grabbed hold of him. Sure, Sparrow’s challenged the Keeper’s here plenty of times, but that was because whatever ended up happening would happen to him. Jayden fighting back like this? All for his sake? It was thoughtful, but he couldn’t handle the wrath of the Keepers.

Logan backed Jayden up against the wall, his hand shooting forward to the kid’s neck, taking hold of his throat in a tight grip just shy of suffocating him.

“I’d be real careful about your choice here, boy. That piece of shit over there doesn’t deserve a hero, let alone a scrawny one such as yourself. Everyone always comes to the realization that they can’t escape this fate, one way or another. It’s easier for the both of you if you just follow my orders. So what’ll it be, pretty boy? Are you going to show me and the bastard here how much of a good listener you are and suck me off or are you going to continue your little defiant act thinking you can best me?”

Jayden’s hands were around the Keeper’s wrist, doing his best to try and scratch Logan in an attempt to get the hand off his neck, but it wasn’t working. He was too weak. At the question, Jayden stared right back at Logan, his expression sharp enough to cut diamonds.

“Jayden, please-,” Sparrow tried, on the verge of getting up from his spot against the wall by the door. Logan had told him to stay put and that if he moved, he’d force Sparrow to watch the worst Showing he’d ever put Jayden through.

“Shut up, runt,” Logan growled, his head turning slightly in Sparrow’s direction. “He has to make this decision on his own.”

There was silence for a couple seconds and Sparrow could feel the anger rolling off the both of them in waves.

“You and this whole place can go rot in hell. I’m not following another one of your stupid orders just because you think you deserve respect,” Jayden finally spat, bracing himself against the wall before kicking his foot out, his heel landing a direct hit to Logan’s crotch.

The Keeper could hardly brace himself before Jayden’s foot connected with his crotch, Logan doubling over for a moment, his hand never leaving Jayden’s throat, before a loud, angry scream erupted out of his mouth.

In a fluid motion, Logan used all the strength he could muster and lifted Jayden by his neck and threw him to the left over by his desk. Sparrow watched on in horror as he saw the fear and terror flash across Jayden’s eyes as he went flying before the back of the teen’s head connected with the sharp corner of Logan’s desk. He crumpled to the floor as Logan doubled over again, letting out small groans of pain.

“Jayden!” Sparrow shouted, his body jerking momentarily as he went to get up, but remembered Logan’s threat from earlier, causing him to stay in place.

He wasn’t getting up and there was blood leaking out onto the floor. Sparrow couldn’t tell if he was breathing.

“Jayden, get up!” he cried out, Sparrow’s whole body frozen in fear.

“Shut the fuck up!” Logan yelled, his head turning sharply to look at Sparrow.

“No, please, he’s not getting up!” Sparrow pleaded, his fists white with how tight they were balled up. “Please, I’ll do whatever the fuck you want, just take him to the medical ward, please!”

Logan chuckled slightly as he was finally able to stand up straight again. “Oh, you think a bit of pleading will convince me to get him treated? As if. The little shit deserved it, thinking he could fight back like that. Besides, you stupid mutts always seem to recover. He’ll be fine come tomorrow.”

Instead of continuing on with what he had planned, Logan gave one last look to Jayden and Sparrow before deciding to leave his office. There’d be time to do things with them later.

Sparrow let out a snarl as Logan passed him to leave, waiting for the door to shut before he rushed over to Jayden, his hands hovering over his body, afraid that a single touch would make his friend crumble into dust.

#####

“No, you have to let me stay with him!” Sparrow shouted, desperately trying to fight his way out of Josh’s grip on him. “Let me go!”

“You’re scheduled for a Showing and there’s no way you’re missing it,” Josh growled, his grip seeming to get tighter the more Sparrow fought. “He’ll be fine and you’ll get to go back to the main room and see him once the Showing is over.”

“No, he needs me to stay with him since you fuckers won’t take him to the medical ward! Let go of me!”

Josh stopped trying to drag Sparrow forward and out of Logan’s office, instead pulling him in close with an iron tight grip on both his wrists. Their faces were mere inches apart and Sparrow could feel the warmth of his breath. “I won’t hesitate to inject you full of muscle relaxers, boy. You know as much as I do that you’ll do anything to fight back during these things, so do you really want to give up being able to move all because you want to sit by your little friend?”

Sparrow’s body froze at the threat, his eyes going wide for a moment. Josh was right, he couldn’t go through a Showing drugged up like that. He’d have no control (not that he did during Showings) over anything. He couldn’t get injected with that stuff.

Josh smirked as Sparrow stayed still, finally continuing towards the door to the office. “That’s what I thought. Once it’s over, you’ll be able to spend as much time with the little runt as you want.”

#####

Sparrow wasn’t proud of the Showing he just went through. It had to have been the most compliant he’s ever been during one, but he didn’t want it to be dragged out. His only thought and priority was getting back to Jayden to make sure he was okay.

Josh had been surprised with how compliant he had been, as was the audience that showed up to watch. It was utterly embarrassing, but he didn’t care enough to not do it. He would have been the most compliant pet in the entire facility if it had meant getting out of that Showroom faster.

Once the Showing was done, Josh walked him back to the main hallway before leaving him there to do his own thing. The moment Josh left him, Sparrow started running to the main rooms, his heart rate picking up as he tried to get to the room as fast as he could.

Sparrow was almost certain Logan would have moved him out of his office during the Showing, so the most logical place to put him would be one of the main rooms. That, or Jayden had woken up and Logan kicked him out of his office and he made his way to their spot in one of the main rooms. If Sparrow didn’t see him in there, he wasn’t sure what he’d do.

When Sparrow finally made it to the doorway that led into the main room he and Jayden usually ended up in, he scanned the entire room, trying desperately to locate his friend. His anxiety was starting to climb with each face he saw, none of them being the young teen before his eyes landed on a figure in the corner where Jayden and him sat most of the time.

He was there, sitting in his normal spot, looking completely fine. Jayden was waiting for him.

Sparrow did his best to make it over to the back corner of the room, nearly tripping over several pets as they tried to sleep or just pass time, not even bothering to let out any kind of apology before making it over to his friend.

“Jayden!” he called out, falling to his knees in front of his friend before embracing the teen in a tight hug.

“You’re okay! You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay,” he said, his voice going quiet as he spoke, letting things sink in. His friend was okay, he was alive and that was all Sparrow cared about.

“Of course I’m okay. Do you really think a bump on the head would keep me down?” Jayden joked, hugging Sparrow back.

Sparrow pulled back slightly, his hands still on Jayden’s shoulders, afraid that if he let go, Jayden would disappear. “It’s just - you collapsed once your head hit the desk, a-and Logan refused to bring you to the medical ward, and then I was dragged off for a Showin-”

“Sparrow,” Jayden interrupted, his voice a bit firm, “I’m alright, I promise. I can’t die that easily. Besides, we promised each other we’d find a way to escape this place some day. I can’t go back on my word, now can I?”

Sparrow wiped at his eyes, tears starting to form. “I’m just happy you’re okay. And you’re right, we are going to escape this place one day. Just please don’t go pissing off any more Keeper’s. Leave that to me, I can handle it.”

Just then, the entire main room started to fade out, a black abyss surrounding the two of them. Sparrow didn’t even notice, his entire focus was on his friend.

Jayden looked at Sparrow with a soft smile, his head slightly tilted to the side.

“I know you can. That fighting spirit is what’s giving me hope that you’ll be able to make it out of here alive. If you hold onto that, you’ll be able to escape. Just keep fighting. For the both of us.”

Sparrow faltered a bit at that. “W-wait, what do you mean by that? We’re going to get out of here together.”

Jayden didn’t answer, continuing to give Sparrow that soft, warm smile that he cherished so much as he slowly faded away. Before Jayden was completely gone, Sparrow reached forward, trying to grab hold of him before he fully disappeared, leaving Sparrow alone in the dark abyss.

#####

Sparrow woke with a jump, jolting up from his spot on the floor of Damon’s office. Looking around the dark and empty room, Sparrow couldn’t see Jayden and was a bit confused, but mostly worried.

Where was he? Jayden had just been in front of him a second ago. He wanted that back, he needed it back.

The more he woke up though, the more things finally started to settle in.

Four days ago, he had been brought back to the Warehouse from his two week stay at Volkov’s island, having gone through his ‘welcome home’ Showing yesterday. Two months ago, Damon had been put in charge of training him, starting up a brand new hell for him to navigate on his own. Five years ago, the Keeper’s gave up trying to train him because he was deemed a lost cause and couldn’t be trained, instead just using him as a free-for-all and overall enjoying causing him pain, discomfort and humiliation. Seven years ago was when he had watched Logan give his one and only friend a death blow and then later finding out that Jayden had died all alone while he was in a Showing Josh forced him to go through, unable to be with him in his final moments to make him feel safe and loved.

As reality came crashing back, Sparrow couldn’t help the gut wrenching sob that erupted out of his throat, the pet clutching his hands close to his chest as he curled into himself.

Ever since it happened, Sparrow had done all he could to repress that memory to the point that he couldn’t remember it at all. All he chose to remember was that Jayden died. Everything else, how it happened, the look of fear and terror right before his head connected with the desk, how much he tried to fight back as Josh dragged him off to the Showing, Logan’s fucking taunting once he finally told Sparrow what they did with Jayden after he died, he wanted to forget and never remember.

He had no idea why the memory resurfaced. It had been so long ago, yet now he could remember every detail clearly, as if he were reliving it in full. It was the worst pain he has ever felt and would probably ever feel. And what made it worse was that his head went and twisted the events, giving him the false hope that Jayden was alive and fine. But Sparrow could never see him again.

After a couple more minutes, Sparrow wiped the tears from his eyes, trying to get his breathing under control. It had to have been close to morning, if he had to guess, and Damon would be here soon to put him through another day of hell. If the Keeper walked in and saw him crying or saw the evidence that he had been crying, Sparrow would never hear the end of it.

Before he could put a cap on his emotions, he felt another sob bubble up from his chest and before he could stop himself, he reared his fist back, sending it straight towards the wall beside him. The wall stayed intact but Sparrow let out a loud shout before biting his tongue, cradling his hand.

Why couldn’t one of these guys have killed him too? Why couldn’t he have had the peace that his friend had? All he wanted was to be with Jayden again, because he was the only one that made this place bearable. His smile and laugh lifted his spirits no matter how he felt and his presence made Sparrow feel safe, even though there wasn’t a single thing either of them could do when the Keepers came for them. If he didn’t have that, if he didn’t have him here, there wasn’t much of a point to keep fighting.

The pain that now pulsed from his bleeding and possibly broken hand acted as an anchor to the real world for him and Sparrow was able to stop the tears from falling, taking in a couple deep breaths before he felt like himself again. Damon would probably point out his hand when he came in later, but right now, Sparrow didn’t care. If Damon was overly concerned about it, he’d get it looked at because unlike Logan, Damon wasn’t going to sit by and have a wound that looked serious enough unchecked. Sparrow had no doubt that the Keeper wouldn't let him die before he himself molded Sparrow into the perfect pet.

Taglist: @mannerofwhump, @honey-is-mesi, @painful-pooch, @whumperfully, @hiding-in-the-shadows, @flowersarefreetherapy, @goronska, @blueyellow8green, @oddsconvert, @darkthingshappen, @whumpcereal (if you want to be added, let me know!)

#The Warehouse #Sparrow Cresky #Jayden Cresky #Minor whump #head injury #threatened noncon drugging #implied noncon (off screen)#threatened noncon #mentions of past noncon and torture #implied future noncon #character death (off screen)#suicidal thoughts #adult character referred to as 'boy'#adult language #heavy grieving

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moonchild-in-blue · 2 months

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Thank you for the tag @tonguetyd! My spoons are indeed low but my sleep schedule is GONE so. Random burst of energy let's go.

I didn't know what artist to pick because I didn't want an obvious (?) one, so I'm going super niche and choosing Bright Eyes because it's been a minute since I've talked about them, and they're one of my favourites 💙

Artist: Bright Eyes

How do you feel: Nothing Gets Crossed Out

What is your gender: Bowl Of Oranges (obviously funny but also it's a beautiful song! poetic storytelling!)

If you could go anywhere: Lua

Favorite mode of transportation: Driving Fast Through A Big City At Night (yes that is the title)

Your best friend: First Day Of My Life 🥹

Favorite time of day: Sunrise, Sunset

If your life was a tv show: A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not

Relationship status: I Won't Ever Be Happy Again 🥲

Your fear: Waste Of Paint

Idk who made this or not so I'm tagging randomly, no pressure to do this whatsoever! @dearscone @corviisquire @hookedhobbies @politemagic (hi!) @leonsleftbicep @melit0n

#okay i made myself sad again #so little story time!#(okay i talked briefly about past suicide/sh struggles so be warned!)#First Day Of My Life is their most famous song AND is probably my mostest favourite love song in the entire world #like. this particular song means so much to me #there is this line that goes “this is the first day of my life. i'm glad i didn't die before i met you”#and it breaks my heart into a million pieces because that is just. so true. so pure #because for someone who was very suicidal and struggled with sh *just before* i met my best friend(s)#it's a lot. like. that could've been me. and yet i'm here. and i need to hold on more because there's still so many people to meet #and so many things to see and experience. i AM glad i didn't die before i met any of you #it's crazy to think how many things i would've missed if every single time i thought about about ending it i had actually done it #whack #also! nothing gets crossed out is incredibly depressing and poignant! if anyone is in the mood for that!#(most if not all of these are. once again i am incapable of choosing happy songs lmao)#tw suicide mention #tw sh mention #<- is this enough? let me know if i should use other tags!!!!#tag game #darya's mixtape #bright eyes

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accirax · 6 months

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A Thought on Hu's Secret

Throughout the past couple of months, I've been rewatching DRDT (more on that once I finish it) through Weeby Newz's streams. They're very fun, and I recommend them if you want to experience DRDT in an audio format, but, that's neither here nor there. I've just reached the start of Chapter 2, and with it, the area investigation that kicks off the chapter. Rewatching the scene introducing the Dress-up Room got me thinking-- not necessarily about the murder, but instead, about Hu's backstory and how it might intertwine with her secret. (CW for DRDT spoilers through 2-2 and discussion of suicide/suicidal thoughts, specifically overdosing.)

Despite the hesitancies I've had in the past, I am now of the belief that Hu probably has the secret, "You were quite the hopeless child. Dying once wasn't enough, so you attempted suicide three times." It's mostly because I don't think that that secret would make sense for Levi, Min, or anybody else, anymore. But, evidence such as Hu not wanting to share the self harm secret line up with this interpretation too. So, I'm not trying to argue that Hu doesn't have that secret here, because I still think it's the most likely. Instead, I want to pass something on to everybody else who thinks Hu is the hopeless child to see what you all think.

After Teruko, Whit, and Hu get their makeovers, Hu comments on her new dress being very similar to what she wears at home, down to the brand. Whit keeps the ball rolling by pointing out that a lot of things about the set seem to be creepily catered to the students. One such thing he brings up is students' prescriptions. Here's what he has to say:

In my mind, ever since solidifying on the belief that Hu was the hopeless child, I believed that Hu was one of the students with the prescriptions. If Hu were that suicidal, it would make sense if she was taking something to counteract that. And Hu is a friendly enough person that I could fully believe Whit talking with her about a sensitive subject such as this.

But... was Hu actually one of the people who takes a prescription? On a second read, I think the answer may be, "no."

If Whit already knew that Hu took a prescription, why would he ask her? And, yes, he immediately followed it with "that was a rhetorical question," which could be in an attempt to save Hu from having to admit she took a medication in front of Teruko. However, if he already knew, it would have been very easy for him to just lead with "I've talked to some people around here who take prescriptions, and..." To me, asking Hu and Teruko if they take any prescriptions is an indicator that he did not talk to either of them before about that aspect of their lives. Instead, commenting on the rhetorical question was a countermeasure to his slip up of accidentally pressuring Hu and Teruko into discussing something private.

Okay, that's not the most solid evidence. What about Hu's response?

Once again, this seems like something that Hu would only say if she had never thought about something like this before. At the very least, it would be something that she hadn't talked about with Whit before, unless they're both putting on an elaborate performance for Teruko's sake. I wouldn't go so far as to say that doing something like that would be fully out of character for Hu, but it does seem like a pretty weird thing for her to do based on what we've seen of Hu so far.

So, what does that mean? Well, it means that, assuming that Hu does in fact have the hopeless child secret, Hu attempted suicide three times, and yet may not take any medications for it. We can't guarantee that she doesn't, because if Whit and Hu never discussed medications before, it's possible that she does and Whit just didn't know about it. However, on DRDTdev's end, it would seem a little strange to me to have a list of unknown students who take medications, not have Hu be part of that list, but have Hu still take medications.

Now, full disclosure, I have never needed to take any medications before, so I could have things wrong. If I do, I apologize, and I would be happy to correct myself via feedback from anyone who does who's comfortable sharing.

After some very brief research, it does seem like some suicidal people aren't prescribed any medications by their doctors, because 1) either the source of their suicidal tendencies isn't something that can be treated by medicine, 2) the doctor is worried that a misdiagnosis could increase the suicidal tendencies to a dangerous degree, or 3) the doctor is worried that the patient might use the medication to overdose. However, antidepressants and anxiety medications are often used as counter-suicide methods for patients whose suicidal tendencies stem from depression or anxiety respectively. Antipsychotics and mood stabilizers are also sometimes prescribed to suicidal people with conditions such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

So, if Hu both has the hopeless child secret and doesn't take any medications for it, it could imply a couple of scenarios:

The impetus behind Hu's suicide attempts does not include depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, or bipolar disorder.

No doctors were ever made aware of Hu's suicide attempts.

Despite having depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and/or bipolar disorder, any doctors that Hu saw did not see it fit to prescribe her any medications. (Due to Hu's seemingly traditional upbringing, it could be that any doctors Hu's family brought her to don't believe in medicine. Huh? Amane who? /j)

Despite being offered medication, Hu chooses not to take it. If extreme enough, this could even line up with her preferences being for them to not exist in her room at all.

I think that any of these possibilities have some very interesting implications on Hu's backstory, which we know very little about at this point.

Of course, to even get here, you have to rely on several inferred implications, including the idea that Hu even has the hopeless child secret in the first place! It's definitely possible that I'm the only one who even believes in the conditions that led me to my three potential conclusions in the first place. Or, maybe this line of logic was already obvious to everyone else, and I'm not really bringing anything new to the table here. Still, I feel that Hu doesn't often get a chance to shine in the DRDT theorizing zone, so when I had this thought, I decided to put it out there.

Thanks for listening, and, if you have anything to say, feel free to respond! Here's hoping that, in one way or another, we learn a little more about Hu's backstory soon after the story resumes. Until next time!

#danganronpa despair time #drdt #drdt spoilers #hu jing #whit young #teruko tawaki #cw suicide mention #cw overdose #am i cooking here or not idk #given how little i know about medications i am more nervous than average about publishing this #hopefully i don't just sound like a clown #but i do feel like there's some kind of disconnect that could be explored here in regards to hu's character #any hu heads out there got any thoughts? hit me up #'past couple of months...' she's so pretentious. shut up it's fucking two months. 'past couple of months...' /ref #my theories

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gryfon-spanish-werewolf · 5 months

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Hey, I just wanna say that if you started this new year in one of the worst stages of your life so far and are thinking about ending it - don’t.

You will never know how life will change if you leave. You will never experience another spring, summer, fall, winter. You will never get to know that it got better. That the solution appeared. That life surprised you, kindly this time.

Thank you for making it past New Year. I want to see you again.

#suicide mention #I’m fine but someone I care about is not and I can’t go to bed without getting some thoughts out of my head #you’re wanted and loved and life is worth living even for just the next morning #I don’t want to have to talk about someone in the past tense #until I’m like 80 or something

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tls123 · 3 months

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i'd kill myself but i have a sister

#i'm fine it's just half past ten lmao #im going to bed 🛏️#fra.txt #suicide mention cw #x limited edition #negativity cw #suicidal thoughts cw #kim dokja had it right (dies)#an affirmative response to this question.

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queer-cosette · 9 months

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Here we go, the first original song I've ever posted online.

Hard Loud Fast is about my experience with suicidal ideation as a teenager living in the FUCK zone of overlapping depression, anxiety, and undiagnosed ADHD. It gets explicit with what exactly I was thinking about doing, so PLEASE proceed with caution. I'll post the lyrics under a cut just to be safe.

I'm no longer suicidal - I wrote this after talking to my therapist and realising there was a whole bunch of shit that I'd just... never processed. I'd boxed up a lot of stuff in the back of my mind and never examined it, largely out of shame. I hope to write more - there's a lot more to process, and I need it known that this dark stuff is coming from a good place: I'm healthy and happy enough to examine it now without being overwhelmed by it.

Hard Loud Fast lyrics

Grey’s reserved for Mondays, Friday should be gold But Friday’s turning grey now - I’ve never felt this cold I’m walking through the station And everyone is waiting For the train I’d get to take me home

Passing through the turnstile, lurching down the stairs Feels like every empty gaze is an accusing glare I can hear the train now I’m sick of all this pain now I kind of want to jump to see who cares

I want it to be hard, I want it to be loud I want it to be fast, but I don’t wanna die I want it to be hard, I want it to be loud I want it to be fast, but I still don’t know why Do I really want to take that leap While everyone here is watching me? I want it to be hard, I want it to be loud I want it to be fast, but I don’t wanna say goodbye

Gotta make my mind up before the train arrives Maybe dead I’ll get the respect I didn’t get alive I hope my friends will miss me And my ex will wish she’d kissed me One last time, ‘cause this decision’s finally mine!

Maybe I just want someone to see me Maybe I just want someone to hear me Maybe I just want someone to stop me Someone to understand

What would I do if somebody saw me? How would it feel if somebody heard me? Would I be glad if somebody stopped me? Reached out and took my hand? If for once someone held my hand?

I want it to be hard, I want it to be loud I want it to be fast, but I don’t wanna die I want it to be hard, I want it to be loud I want it to be fast, but I still don’t know why

I want it to be hard, I want it to be loud (Maybe I just want someone to see me) I want it to be fast, but I don’t wanna die (Maybe I just want someone to hear me) I want it to be hard, I want it to be loud (Maybe I just want someone to stop me) I want it to be fast, but I still don’t know why (Someone to understand) Do I really want to take that leap (What would I do if somebody saw me?) While everyone here is watching me? (How would it feel if somebody heard me?) I want it to be hard, I want it to be loud (Would I be glad if somebody stopped me?) I want it to be fast, but I don’t wanna say goodbye (Reached out and took my hand?)

I want it to be hard, I want it to be loud I want it to be fast I don’t know what I want…

#coco sings #check your baggage #hard loud fast #original song #suicidal thoughts mention #past suicidal ideation

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a-queer-seminarian · 1 year

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CW surgery

I’m getting a hysterectomy on Tuesday morning, just to avoid any future health shenanigans, etc. As the day approaches I’m getting pretty anxious. I’m just like…what if I die?

I have abdominal scarring from an intestinal surgery as a baby so they have to do the more invasive surgery option. There will be two surgeons there which should make me feel safer I guess, but instead makes me more anxious because doesn’t that just prove it’s riskier? Eek.

Also, there’s so much I haven’t gotten done that I really wanted to get done before the surgery, especially not knowing how intense or long recovery will be — didn’t finish unpacking, didn’t finish some Etsy orders due at the middle and end of the month, didn’t record a podcast ep for this month, didn’t finish writing a video essay on Ruth lol…

Anyway, as the anxiety keeps bubbling up, I could use some prayers and good vibes and encouraging words!

#surgery //#log #suicide ideation mention in next tags —#honestly it’s kind of wild to realize how un-suicidal I’ve become #where the thought of dying is actively disturbing instead of just ‘eh’#not sure when that came about but some time in just the past year or two!#I actively want to stay alive and see what comes next in life!#so my dang uterus of all things better not ruin that for me or I’ll be so peeved

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gl1tched-g0th · 11 months

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At first I wanted to kill myself but then I laid in the rain for an hour and suddenly everything feels like it's gonna be alright.

#it was so nice #and peaceful #for once in the past week and a half my thoughts finally shut up #and the only thing i could focus on was the sound and feeling of rain taking me #I am Cleansed #witchy post #sorta #tw suicide mention #tw sucidal ideation #nessie's nonsense

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pears-palette · 4 months

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Mental health is non linear and can be such a wild fucking ride. 3 days ago I was making a “pros and cons” list for killing myself and tonight I’m happy stim dancing to Staying Alive in my kitchen, much to the bemusement of my pets. You just gotta stick around for the upswing.

#cw depression #cw sui mention #cw sui ideation #mental health #depression #mention suicide #past suicidal thoughts #spilled thoughts

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l393ndjean · 1 year

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The Magic is Gone

I was nine years old when I opened the book,

From the first sentence I knew I was hooked,

A world with giant bearded friends,

Pixies, potions, the fun never ends,

As I got older I wanted to cry,

Some things in my made me want to die,

As both worlds grew darker inside,

I would still stand by Harry’s side,

Whilst I wasn’t fighting villians with a magical stick,

I was fighting myself because my own brain was sick,

So this magical place was not only fun,

It also became a good place to run,

A place where one could go to hide,

A spot for those who felt a little different inside,

But then the author, who inspired those dreams,

Started to say thing that were frankly quite mean,

So when I went back to the books feeling forlorn,

The feeling, it stayed, the magic was gone,

Now my fight, some people try to stop,

They ask me perhaps, maybe I just grew up,

But see that's the thing, I don't think I did,

I think that inside I'm still that little kid,

Her words have power to love and enjoy,

But sometimes, bad ones, they can destroy,

I'm lucky now that when I’m in strife,

I have family, teachers, friends in real life,

And you know sometimes it comes back, in leaps and in bounds,

The magic I worshipped, me it surrounds,

But when it comes back, the magic, it’s stained,

For the Magic that saved me, now it also brings pain

#poetry #i wrote a poem #it's about being in the harry potter fandom #JK Rowling #tw mentions of suicidal thoughts #before anyone panics i'm in a really good place mentally now #but in the past things were tough

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crayonurchin · 1 year

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I fell in love with my best friend and fucked up on properly telling her because I was afraid of losing her as a friend or rocking the boat.

I tried to be okay with the rejection for five years because I didn't want to hurt her or lose her or make her feel bad. I helped her make dating profiles and talk to crushes. I was in physical pain. I was happy she was growing but devastated too. And I hated myself for that.

Lockdown happened and I was silently happy. There was a pause on my pain. Then I fucking hated myself. My friend wanted more and I was happy for the stall.

I tried so, so hard, to just move on and keep my best friend. I didn't want her to be hurt. I didn't want her to feel alone. I wanted her to grow and I wanted to see it.

Now she has a boyfriend.

And I finally broke.

How can you not feel guilty when you have to cut contact with your closest friend- the person you went through EVERY major life growth until now, because YOU just COULDN'T get over unrequited love?

I tried. I tried I tried I tried.

5 years of trying so bloody hard to just get over it.

I am happy for her. She's grown into the most incredible woman. She has a job, a social life, love, family, soon a new home with cats and fun decorations. She's getting everything she deserves in the world and I want her to have even more.

I'm very sad.

And for that I feel guilty.

I really want to believe in the future this will be a blip in life. The same way some bullies in school are now just blips. The same way some grief is now just a blip. A lesson to be learned, a step in the stair of being alive.

Right now I feel like a monster and I hate that I've caused all this hurt and I wish it had gone differently and I'm happy for her and I'm sad and I'm terrified and I feel

I just feel

A whole lot of feel

Last year I wanted to kill myself because my OCD got so bad I thought I'd never be free of it. Those triggers that made me suicidal are now NOTHING. Because I overcame them. I want this to be the same. I want to go to her wedding one day and clap and be happy. And I want her to come to mine.

#vent #big vent #heartbreak #past suicidal thoughts mention

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royal-wren · 1 year

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In a weird headspace this week. I'm thinking about a lot, mostly all about my stance on death. About how few really knew me that had interactions with me face to face. "You're always so quiet and reserved, I can't see you doing anything crazy" is always the first thing I hear whenever I say or do something that contradicts the image. Nevermind that I'm always the first to care less about so many things that others spend too much time on, holding them back in a way. I was in a lot of ways the definition of impulsive in a hazardous way that threw caution to the wind and just flew, sometimes literally.

I'm thinking about the positives and negatives that come with crossing over from ideation into action, how a potential sea/ocean deity said "No, you'll continue to exist despite your efforts, you're barely in the double digits you don't really know that yet." To come out in the middle of drowning after purposefully going very far out set on one thing, to go out and stop the misery that was so heavy like a crushing weight even then. To be struck after like an accident, I thought it was a more likely way to go than that would help so much with my limited options and not having the appropriate understanding about how stupid the idea was. I just didn't care and was tired of the pain, the fear, of hiding and escaping both literally and mentally. I was tired of being put down for the unchangeable, about what wouldn't go away, I was tired of not feeling right or like myself. That harsh period in my life gave me ptsd and c-ptsd, I still think of the terrible look in their gaze, the escalating voice shrieking and shouting, the physical pain and remaining hesitance I have with certain utensils for reasons.

I'm thinking about how my recklessness born from budding indifference from the first attempt on my life has affected me. It left me with so many marks, reminders of every time I did something like speeding down a sharp incline on a bike before flipping in the middle to get up close and personal with either concrete or stones. To cry for a moment as a kid before walking home without a sign of it and cleaning myself up bit by bit extracting anything left over like it was routine. I think about that every time my many, many scars come up with Hermes around that he loves. The talks we have about them, saying what I've always had to in the name of moving on in a way, "They show you've lived, that you still exist despite everything, your beauty comes from that instead of being free from every dark mark, the angry red line or the bright white raised line. You nearly have twenty anyone can see and you persist with a bit of pride inside. Ram-minded, stubborn to a fault but wolf-hearted, wild but thriving best with a select few and despondent when missing any of them."

I'm thinking about my main (and only) issue with death is the loss I feel upon absence from those I loved and still love despite their passing. There's an ache there where I felt full and comforted by their presence, the time that's a light, and the lessons and guidance I've had with the divine over death and loss, the pain of it all. The talks I've had and the comfort I was given from He/kate and Herm/es through dreams and meditations before I knew it was them and thought it a random occurrence or a random entity below their status by a long shot talking to me with passing assistance and parting wisdom.

I'm thinking about how I almost wish I turned sooner, the regret of not having the active, known conversations with Her/mes that I know both of us would have loved. To be there during my introspective years especially in adulthood nearly a decade ago that was wasted on the wrong partner. The ex-boyfriend that never had too deep of an interest in it and never knew what to say about my constant thoughts and the need to express a deeper understanding of the world, of life and existence. About my religious/spiritual experiences and my past that made me that way that I've unfortunately long burnt out from saying aside from the random flare of flame that stirs and makes me turn to him to talk. I just wish it had been a thing when it was more consistent when I was looking for something, for someone to talk about it with over the echoing silence like talking to a wall. My stances with life and death, loss and grief that are just me now, and the indifference they spawned in me for myself on a personal level. That I have a certain freedom that wants to live and continue on but on the same hand a lack of care if it would end suddenly outside of my hands.

The admittance that I'm strange, that I run now in a beneficial way to me in the company of deities and other entities who get it and have been there at times when I didn't recognize that they were. Interacting with me in ways that took so long to connect the dots and realize I've had others taking care of me and looking after me in times when I needed it. For someone so stoic, absent emotionally, and unphased usually, it makes me emotional. I am happy and at peace for the most part, and more than likely ready to run into the woods and never return and hang out with the chaotic three in nature and dirt divine all at a moment's notice if possible.

A certain longing for the time I know will come when I pass that we've talked about spending a lot of time together in the future. All in a way I really, really wish I could right now in a way I would with others in my life. I just want to run, to be with him and see him there in front of me and just hold his hand ig and be able to talk like I would with others important to me and hear him in the same way I would with others immediately after for a back and forth that's more coherent and consistent for flow.

#personal #dorian's polytheism diary #suicide mention #abuse mention #for past stuff I'm long over #this is a whirlwind of a post going everywhere and nowhere at the same time #I'm just thinking and putting my thoughts somewhere #really ruminating here #a wistful lament #Poseidon is on my mind with many appreciative thoughts on my part

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