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absolutepokemontrash · 3 years

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Kid!MC/Teen!MC Needs someone to go to Parent Teacher Interviews for Them and Guess Who’s Available?

Masterlist

The brothers being bad babysitters/dad figures is something I love very much, I bet you all could already tell that considering the Fic/Headcanon series I have going on. I would just like you all to know that Asmo’s section is based on a true story. Anyhoo~ onto the Headcanons!

Why? Why Him? (Lucifer)

Is MC really dumb, or are they just a kid? No one knows.

Obviously MC asked Lucifer, the only competent one in the house, the most professional, hard-working, controlled-

MC got their things together and gave Lucifer the run down on their teacher(s) before Lucifer got too absorbed in extolling his own virtues in an intense internal monologue.

News flash Lucifer, this isn’t a Shakespeare play, you can’t have a dramatic monologue or soliloquy about how great you think you are

At the actual meeting, if MC is in there, no, MC is not actually in there. Lucifer will speak to the teacher as if MC isn’t there. As someone whose not a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down kind of person, Lucifer expects the teacher to behave the same and not spare MC’s feelings.

Feelings do not deserve to be spared if MC is being a nuisance. No fake-kid/little sibling of his gets to be the class idiot!

If MC’s doing very well academically, he expects to be pointed at projects or tests they’ve done and the grade on it. It really makes him proud to see MC doing well.

Even if they’re not the best academically, if they’re not failing and they’re doing well in other aspects of school, he’s proud.

If MC really struggles in a school environment and just hates it there but they’re still keeping their head above water, they get a head pat of approval.

On the drive home, if MC came with him to the parent teacher interviews and everything went well, he just happens to turn onto the street that has a Baskin Robin’s or something of that caliber.

If they didn’t go, he picks something up on the way back.

No fun treats if MC is being a disruptive little heathen in class, no kid under Lucifer’s care is going to be the class Mammon. Not on his watch.

MC was busily stuffed their face with the treats that were gifted to them. Lucifer had to hold himself back from rolling his eyes at the kid’s blatant disregard for basic table manners when it came to sweets.

“Is everything the teacher said true?” Lucifer asked, MC looked up at him with a smile.

“Yep!”

“Good, good.” Lucifer held out his hand and patted them on the head. “You’re doing well. Keep it up.”

“Geez,” MC mumbled as they continued to stuff their face. “Can you get anymore affectionate?”

“Don’t be sarcastic, MC. It’s uncouth.” Lucifer said sternly. “Besides, I’ll have you know that many people enjoy my headpats. I’m quite affectionate.”

“Really now? Name one person.”

Lucifer opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. He and MC stared each other down, one pair of eyes much more nervous than the other. Spoiler, MC was still calmly eating their treat as they maintained eye contact.

“…Cerberus.”

“If you’re reaching for Cerberus, you’ve already lost.”

…his pride was under attack. Right in front of his desert…

“You’re grounded.”

“Worth it.”

*Rides by on a Skateboard* School is for NERDS (Mammon)

Pff! Stupid human! He’s not goin’ to some lame parent teacher conference-

Wait! What’s with that face?! Ugh… fine. MC’s gone and forced his hand with those damn puppy dog eyes…

Mammon does not dress up for this event, he dresses like he would every day, maybe throw on some designer stuff to let all the parents and teachers know he’s hot shit.

If MC goes with him, he pulls up in his beloved car and takes up two parking spaces (pure evil.). Every parent present already hates him, but at least the other kids there are impressed with MC’s sweet ride. MC would have gained some street cred if Mammon hadn’t managed to trip up the stairs to the classroom in front of everyone.

He’ll act way to casual with the teacher, turning the parent chair backwards and sitting down so he can lean on the seat.

Mammon gets bored crazy quickly while the teacher lists and explains all the stuff the class is learning, so his eyes begin to wander to any and all displays in the classroom. Projects, annoying posters, class pet, anything is more interesting than this teacher’s explanation.

When MC finally becomes the main topic of the interview, he’s all ears. MC’s doing great in school academically? Ha! Nerd! Maybe giving MC a playful noogie and interrupting the whole interview wasn’t a good idea, but whatever.

If MC’s failing anything, or just isn’t that gifted when it comes to grades, it’s very much a “Aw man me too” from Mammon.

This teacher is speaking with the Great Mammon, the first demon in RAD’s history to fail three semesters in a row. If this teacher thinks bad grades will phase him, they’re dead wrong.

Grades don’t mean anythin’ about smarts anyway! I mean, look at him! He’s a fuckin’ genius but he can’t get through a history test without sobbing even though he LIVED THROUGH MOST OF IT.

MC gets treats no matter what’s up in class. Though, if MC didn’t go with him, he’s likely to forget and just order something for the two of them when he gets back home.

“Goddamn teachers and their rambling!” Mammon whined, grabbing a slice of pizza from the open box on his coffee table. “You owe me, MC! Ya really do!”

“Yeah yeah yeah.” MC said, they leaned over and rolled a pizza slice into a pizza-scroll then proceeded to eat it like a veggie roll. “How do you think I feel, listening to them every day? You know how long it takes to get to the actual class material?”

“Five years?”

“Ugh! Five years if I’m lucky! I swear, I know more about my teacher’s grievances with like… five of my classmates than I do about trigonometry, and guess which one’s on the test next week?”

Mammon winced in sympathy, then remembered he was supposed to be whining and went back to it. “School’s shit and a waste of money, ya should drop out as soon as you can and help me run my new business.”

“You mean your pyramid scheme?”

“It’s not a pyramid scheme, MC! It’s legit! It’s a multi-tiered marketing-”

“It’s a pyramid scheme.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SOCIAL INTERACTION (Leviathan)

Everyone else must have been sick or something for MC to have asked Levi. He’d flat out refuse to go otherwise.

So, Levi couldn’t exactly go to the interview in his usual “I haven’t left my room or changed clothes in eight weeks” look. With the help of MC, he was able to find his military uniform at the back of his closet.

Asmo nearly fainted when he saw Levi in the uniform, not because “oooo, a man in uniform~”, it was because the outfit was so crumpled and wrinkled that it made it physically painful to look at. No time to iron and wash, the conference was in an hour!

Levi (and MC if they went with) rolled up to the school in a less than impressive ride, but one look at the uniform and all the other people present went “yep, time to be respectful (tm)”

For the first time in his life Levi was more intimidating than Lucifer! And he wasn’t even trying!

When the teacher starts explaining the course material, Levi spaces off in horror as he realizes he remembers literally nothing from school (AND HE’S STILL IN SCHOOL!) all that’s running through his head is “A squared + B squared = C squared” and “the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell”.

The actual interview was the least interesting part of the trip, the real stuff happened when Levi passed by some art on display in the hallway and something caught his eye-

Those colours… that hair… that adorable smile..!

IT WAS HER! LEVI’S PRECIOUS RURI-CHAN IN ALL HER GLORY!

Levi immediately started fawning over the art class fanart and by sheer coincidence, one of the kids walking through the hallway happened to notice.

The kid asked MC if their… parent and or guardian liked anime. MC responded with “obviously.” Levi then asked the kid if they drew his adorable Ruri-chan. The kid said no, and that they drew the My Hero Academia fanart a few rows down.

Levi was absolutely floored that there were two anime fans in one class, then his entire world shattered when MC explained there was more anime art inside the art room and other classrooms.

H-hang on… did that mean that… a lot of people here… liked anime..?

Levi needed a while to process. No snacks on the way home…

Levi and MC were sat in the back of their Uber, Levi, the Avatar of Envy himself, was having his entire sense of reality warped. S-so much anime fanart… in a school of all places..! What did this mean for the future of anime?!

“Levi. Stop.” MC sighed. “If this were an anime, the camera angle would be doing that thing where it’s right on the bridge of your nose and dramatic music plays in the background.”

“S-so many kids in your class like a-anime huh..?” Levi stuttered, weakly trying to smile. “Must be nice..?”

“Oh, that’s just my class. The other classes and grades have their fans too.”

“Oh… really?”

“Levi,” MC stopped looking out the window and looked at the otaku that was having a full scale silent mental breakdown. “Anime isn’t even a niche interest anymore. It’s a pretty casual thing to watch now. At least a third of my class watches- Levi?”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH! ANIME! A THIRD OF THE CLASS?! ANIME… HIS PRECIOUS ANIME… WAS BECOMING A NORMIE INTEREST! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

“Levi?” MC waved their hand in front of their spaced out demon’s face. “Leviiiii? Okay he’s dead.”

The Know it All (Satan)

Ah, a smart choice, MC. Satan would be glad to help further their education. He’ll do everything in his power to make sure that the human’s brain is fed all that sweet sweet knowledge.

Satan can’t dress himself normally, MC had to coax him into a suit jacket, but he still only wore one sleeve.

MC was coming along to the interviews whether they wanted to or not, it’s important to hear what they need to improve on from the teacher themselves after all.

The two arrived pretty early, so Satan asked MC for a tour of the school. It was pretty tame until they reached the library. Satan was horrified at the state of some of the books…

Their spines lined with duct tape… pages missing and torn… someone apparently used a taco as a book mark…

The first thing Satan does when it’s time for his interview is demand the teacher take better care of the library, even though they’re not the librarian. MC tries to explain this, but Satan is too distraught to listen to reason.

He enjoyed hearing about the course material, but he made it known if MC thinks the assignments are too easy that they need to be given more challenging work. THEIR BRAIN NEEDS TO BE STIMULATED DAMN IT.

It was up to MC to either agree with Satan and nod to the teacher, or make frantic eye contact with them to try and communicate “NO DON’T PLEASE”.

Similar to (ugh) Lucifer, as long as MC is doing their best, he’s happy for them.

…but if they are in any way in the running for valedictorian he is HELPING THEM WIN.

He decided to stop at a cafe or bookstore to let MC pick out a “congrats on surviving your pitiful school” present after the interviews.

MC gleefully perused the shelves of the bookstore, there were so many books too look at…

“I’ll buy you as many books as you’d like, MC, just,” Satan shuddered slightly. “Promise me you won’t treat them like those poor library books…”

MC put their hand over their heart. “I swear on the duct taped book spines that I will never treat a book like that.”

“Good… good…” Satan breathed a sigh of relief and went back to looking at his book about cats.

“Are you… reading a Warrior Cats book..?” MC asked tentatively.

“Yes, why?”

“Satan, put that back.”

“I Will Seduce the Teacher For the Sake of Your Grades, Don’t Worry.” (Asmodeus)

Oh MC dear! He’d be delighted to go! Just let him get ready~

Asmo may not be the best choice, but he was at least going to be the best dressed person at that conference. (And MC just had to come too so all the other parents could be jealous of how well coordinated their outfits are)

He teased MC a little by saying he was going to flirt with their teacher to make sure they passed the class, but he was just kidding! …but he made sure to ask if their teacher was cute, he needed to know!

While waiting for his turn, Asmo flirts with some of the single parents, if he doesn’t see a wedding ring, they’re fair game.

Once his time slot arrived, MC realized that Asmo is one of those “my child has done and will do nothing wrong ever” types. This may have ended up working in MC’s favour if they were a class nuisance.

If MC is doing very well in sports, clubs, grades, anything, Asmo is fawning over them and gushing to the teacher about how great, smart and adorable they are.

Asmo surprisingly does not exactly flirt with the teacher, he was just teasing MC after all. But um… if MC’s teacher just happens to be cute and young, he may turn up the charm, just a little. Enough to make the teacher giggle and make MC cover their face in embarrassment.

After the interviews Asmo will probably schedule a nice day out for the two of them, shopping, a movie, mani pedis, something fun!

The real weird stuff happens in the months after the interviews… if Asmo did lightly flirt with the teacher, MC gets quite a few questions about their guardian. Questions that ask if Asmo is single in not as many words…

Oh lord, MC’s teacher developed a crush on Asmo.

Nail painting night was supposed to be a fun occasion, but MC was hopping mad and embarrassed. Asmo didn’t seem to notice as he continued to paint the little human’s nails.

“And then I told Phenex to get lost. The nerve of that little monster, right MC?” When MC didn’t reply, Asmo looked up and tilted his head. “MC?”

MC’s angry face would have been much more threatening if they weren’t just so adorable, but it was getting the message across.

“MC..?”

“Asmo.” MC’s glare deepened. “My teacher wants to know if you’re single.”

Asmo blinked a few times, before he hit his tongue to keep from laughing. “Really now~. I knew they’d be madly in love with me-”

“WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIIIIIIIIIIIS?!”

Oh My Demon King is That a BAKE SALE?! (Beel)

Of course Beel said yes! He’d gladly go to MC’s parent teacher interview!

He even put on a nice outfit :D he ended up looking a bit like a secret serviceman guarding MC, the tiny president.

Beel stopped for McDonald’s on the way there, all the other kids were so jealous of MC when they stepped out of the car eating fries.

But a little something something caught Beel’s eye when he and MC walked into the school… was that a… bake sale?

MC quickly explained that the bake sale was fundraiser for their class trip that year and the snacks weren’t complimentary. He had to pay.

And pay Beel did. He cleared out the entire table. MC’s grade’s overnight trip was going to be decadent as hell. That was no longer a crowd funded thing, that trip was privately funded by a tall buff ginger secret service member and this tiny in comparison child.

Kids are incredibly blunt, just like Beel, so when a random kindergarten kid wandered over, looked up at Beel, and very knowingly said “you’re very tall”. Beel was like “yeah”. The kid then said “what’s it like being that tall?”

Beel’s response to this kid’s question was to pick them up and hold them for a few seconds before placing them back down. For just a few moments this kid knew what it like to be over 6’4. Of course, more kids swarmed in and asked to be picked up.

Sure it was cute, but Beel now has an army of kids ranging from kindergarteners to third graders.

Finally, the conference actually began. Beel snacked the entire time and dutifully listened to everything the teacher had to say.

After the interviews are over, he checks with MC to make sure everything the teacher said was true and that they weren’t lying. If all was well, the two made their exit.

They stopped at Wendy’s on the way home.

“I’m so full…” MC groaned, Beel held up a massive cookie.

“So I can eat this?”

“No. Gimme that.” MC took a very defeated bite out of it. “My stomach says no but my mouth says yes…”

“I don’t want you to get a stomachache, MC,” Beel said worriedly. “No more snacks.”

“It’s a little late for that. It’s past nine and I’m still eating, there’s no way I’m getting to sleep at a reasonable hour.”

“Oh…” Beel mumbled. “I may have not completely thought this through.”

“*Snore* Huh? Wha? MC’s Grades? Uh… Fuck…” (Belphie)

MC must be failing a class or something because why on earth would they pick Belphie otherwise.

They ask him to go while he’s delirious from just waking up from a nap, he sort of half nods and mumbles some gibberish before going back to sleep.

MC had to basically carry his ass to the school. Belphie drooled all over them in the waiting room, and when it was their time to go into the interview, Belphie had to be manually put into the chair and slapped awake.

He barely listens, he just sits and nods along with whatever the teacher is saying. The teacher could say MC brought an alligator to school and he’d just go “uh huh…” “mmmph… yep…” “really now?” then yawn.

The only thing that could possibly get Belphie to be interested is if MC is studying space. If they are, than boy howdy is Belphie suddenly interested in their education.

Other than that? *snore*

If MC is in fact failing or doing poorly, MC’s teacher asks to see another one of MC’s guardians at a later date. Their plan failed miserably.

MC drags Belphie out of the school and yells at him for not helping them. Belphie, still sleep delirious, tries to press the snooze button. MC does not have a snooze button.

“Belphie!” MC shouted, shaking the Avatar of Sloth awake. The House of Lamentation’s resident bastard was somehow sleeping standing up outside. “HOW COULD YOU?!”

“Eh?” Belphie half-snorted and looked around confused. “What’d I do? Where are we?”

“At my school! You said that you’d go to my parent teacher interviews!”

“…MC I don’t think I’d pass well for you.”

“YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO AS MY GUARDIAN!”

“Sheesh,” Belphie murmured while he rubbed the remaining sleep from his eyes. “You humans are so noisy.”

MC looked up at their dearest demon friend, and gave him their best glare. “I’m going to take all your fancy temperature changing pillows and switch them with normal pillows you traitorous bastard.”

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tgsofu · 3 years

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Gonna do some game reviews!

Heya people!

I’ve been doing some mindfulness practices to get myself to become less of a socially withdrawn workaholic and more of a lazy nerd again, and one thing I wanna try doing is game reviews! I wanna share my thoughts and totally legit ratings for games I’ve played, on one hand to give myself a reason to play them, on another to make myself actually remember them!

When reviewing games I have played, I review these aspects:

Content

Story

Characters

World (in terms of worldbuilding and credibility of the world in-universe)

Visuals

Art direction

Graphics

Technical

Gameplay

Difficulty

Accessibility

Ingenuity

Gimmick

Originality

I use stars to give them ratings:

☆☆☆☆☆ Just overall shitty, broken, uninspired and boring - not even meme worthy. Waste of my time!

★☆☆☆☆ Broken, uninspired and boring. Possibly still meme worthy? So bad it’s good?

★★☆☆☆ Not really enjoyable, but might contain some noteworthy ideas and concepts, which it failed to deliver

★★★☆☆ It’s ok, though fails to stand out. I will probably forget about it.

★★★★☆ Overall enjoyable and memorable. It may have some aspects I don’t like or find inconvenient, but not enough to stain the big picture.

★★★★★ Does everything right to cater to my tastes and catch both my undivided attention and interest, and leaves a lasting impression. If it has any flaws, they are insignificant in my bold opinion.

And today... we start with!!!

I love birds, I love funny things with birds and I love birds in popular media. The Untitled Goose game is deffo up my alley in that sense.

CONTENT: ★★★★★

This game practices a minimalistic manner in its storytelling and where the core story is simple, it has a surprising amount of depth to it told through the interactive environment with its many little details and characters. A lot of love has been poured into the neighbourhood that the Goose explores throughout the game, with each character entering the frame with a ton of personality and details about their lives, passions and hobbies. No words are spoken throughout the entire experience, yet it is rare treat to see a world so lively and alive within such a simplistic game. It never needed this much detail to be a good game, yet my never-ending thirst for immersion and storytelling in a game makes me appreciate it on a whole different level thanks to the extra effort.

VISUALS: ★★★★☆

Visually the game is very cute and pleasing. Flat base colors with sharp cartoon esque cel-shading is what I live for and I am shamefully easy to win over just by taking this route with any game’s art style. Beyond this, the objects, people and environment are all skilfully crafted, making them a joy to behold while managing to be bold and unique enough to strengthen the game’s visual identity. However, though I admit this is entirely a matter of personal tastes, I am not awarding the game with full 5 stars for visuals. While cute, unique and aesthetically pleasing, I feel like the graphics could still have dared to gone a bit further to give its looks an extra punch and make it all the more memorable for them.

TECHNICAL: ★★★☆☆

I like how interactive the world is! You can bite and drag just about any object around and have fun with your ability to honk and flap. In terms of the Goose’s skillset, the game has a nice amount of complexity to keep the experience fresh without becoming overwhelming. However, the Goose can be a pain in the ass to control at times and the objects can be a chore to get to land in the right place. Furthermore, while the game’s mechanics definitely work and achieve what they were intended for, they don’t really strike me as anything phenomenal or new. You mostly work by carrying stuff around, and the Goose’s ability to drag, carry and drop is not really what I will be remembering this game so fondly for.

INGENUITY: ★★★★★

I get to play as a cute goose and make lovable npcs’ life a living hell? Hell yes. The concept is hilarious and ingenious in all its simplicity and has the power to bring a smile to your face throughout the entire gaming experience. Originally I was intending to award this section four out of five stars but while typing this I came to a realization I did not have really anything negative to say about the originality or the core gimmick of this game. I sure wouldn’t know how to improve it; the Untitled Goose game has secured its spot within the gaming community for a reason and, in my humble opinion, its ingenuity is to thank for it.

OVERALL: ★★★★☆

A fun, memorable low-effort game to get you both hooked and lift your rainy mood.

#game reviews #the untitled goose game

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earthnashes · 4 years

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LAST OF UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

I started playing the very second it was made available to play and just finished it last night at like 4 in the morning. And of course it destroyed me. I love this series man so much man. ;w;

SO! I don’t usually do this but I’m like, fuckin’ dyin’ to talk about it a lil bit so if ya have plans to play it, SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT. <:

-Aight so lemme just say right off the bat that this game is fucking. Gorgeous. The environments, lighting, visual design, the level design, everything was spot on. And don’t get me started on the CHARACTER MODELS. AND ANIMATION. Like bro that shit was lifelike in not just appearance, the characters emoted and carried themselves with so much life they felt legitimately real. They were all so unique too; characters had unique special ticks to just them (Like Ellie pinching her fingers when nervous or upset, or Joel standing taller and squaring himself when talking about hard subjects like he’s bracing himself for it, or Jesse giving his stunted headtilt when he talks) and expressed in a way that was just. Bruh. Aight I’mma stop but fuckin hell what they pull off with the characters in specific in LoU (both part 1 and 2) is just somethin’ outta this world.

-For anyone interested in playing it, the game is roughly 22-30 hours long if you’re just focused on the story, and much longer still if you take the time to explore and find all the little secrets. Some secrets include unique cutscenes and dialogue that are well worth the look; I haven’t found all of ‘em yet but I’m considering trying a completionist playthrough.

-Joel’s death fucking destroyed me. I’m in no way surprised he died, but it hurt regardless, just how quickly things went south for him and Tommy there. And ELLIE. FINDING HIM AND WATCHING HIM GET REKT WAS PAIN INCARNATE. Set the tone hella hard and I’m fuckin’ here for it.

-I’m not gonna lie I fully expected to dislike Abby given she rekt Joel, even though I figured it was for a pretty good reason before it was revealed her pops was the doc Joel killed. But damn. I really enjoyed Abby, a lot actually. From a gameplay standpoint I dare say I enjoyed her section more than Ellie’s since you were BLASTING ENEMIES with those fuckin’ GUNS of hers. And by guns I mean her arms’, jesus she was shredded. As a character, she felt a lot like Ellie from a different perspective and mindset, and I really appreciated the reflection the two of them had. Two sides of the same coin, basically. Also I really, really liked how killin’ Joel brought absolutely no peace to Abby at all, and you caught her beginning to regret it. And it kinda sorta acted as the catalyst to her shift in how she viewed the world. I think that’s a good portion why she latched onto Yara and Lev so hard. Perspective is everything, and there is always more than just one side of a story.

-In the same vein I had a blast learning more about Abby’s friend group, dynamics, how she lived, who she worked for and her past and everything. Of them all I think I liked Nora the most, but Mel and Manny were both reaaaalll close seconds. O:

-Speaking of, DOGS. DOGS DOGS DOGS. So many dogs man and you got to play with and pet them! Fuck yeah. That should be a rule in gaming; if you have a cat or a dog in the game, you should have a button to pet it. Also good gorl Alice is best doggy don’t fight me on this. uwu

-Jesse and Dina were the beez knees I fuckin loved them man. They were exactly the sort of folks I can see Ellie being best friends with. ALSO, this one isn’t major, but I really appreciated that there was no love-triangle here? Dina and Jesse dated, smashed, didn’t work out but they still remained good friends. Ellie’s first reaction to seeing Jesse is to confess that she and Dina kissed, and Jesse readily accepted the fact that Dina moved on (and he had too). It’s just refreshing. No bullshit love triangle there, just three people who really understood each other. Also jesus christ, I really didn’t want Jesse to die. Goddamnit. But I’m so glad they didn’t kill Dina too like, I was fully prepared to see her get fucked up. Base rule of LoU: anyone you like has a high probability of dying. ;w;

-BRO THINKING OF JESSE, ELLIE, AND DINA MADE ME REALIZE THE PARALLEL OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO MEL, ABBY, AND OWEN. Ellie’s triangle was essentially non-existent; no feelings of betrayal or anger, just understanding and love, like there was a deep-seated bond here that would weather anything. If Jesse had lived, I wouldn’t doubt he, Ellie, and Dina would have lived together to raise the baby together. Meanwhile Abby’s triangle had Owen seeming to unable to let go of the past he and Abby had together, that poor bastard was still in love with her, and how that supplemented the slow deterioration of all three’s friendship. I was sad to see Mel turn on Abby the way she did but like. I mean. Dude was ready to leave Mel in the dust for Abby despite HIM GETTING MEL PREGNANT. Abby also kinda did drag everyone into this, even if it was of their own violation. Oof. Though it did feel like she was angry at both Abby and Owen equally, not just blaming Abby for everything there... or at least the romantic relationship part. Honestly probably one of the few times I actually enjoyed a love triangle in a story, or at least of this caliber.

-Isaac, the leader of the WLF? He was cool as fuck. I love how much character they packed into him without even showing him too much. Like there was a scene where Nora mentions she tried to question Isaac about Owen and she said “he gave her that fucking look and told her to drop it”. Hell, when he was talking to Abby, he isn’t that much taller than her but he felt like he outright dwarfed her with the way he carried himself and how they reacted to him. I love shit like that man. But anyway fuck Isaac. uwu

-Not gonna lie I kinda wish I got to see the leader of the Seraphites, but it was hella cool to learn that she had been dead already and how the Seraphites operated with and without her. I don’t think I found everything regarding that specific point in game, but it sounded a lot like a peaceful religious leader who’s words and teachings were twisted to suit the goals of corrupt members of the tribe. She was essentially an equivalent to Jesus, at least to the Seraphites.

-I honestly really loved all of the characters introduced but I have to admit that Lev and Yara were standouts. Yara’s one hell of a big sister, lemme tell you, and the lengths she went through to make sure Lev was safe really shooketh me. AND LEV. MY CHILD. MY SON. To those of you who are familiar with the LGBT+ controversy around the game, he and Ellie are what people are complaining about. Ellie because she’s gay, Lev because he’s trans.

Lev in particular was heartbreaking. His tribe were outright hunting him for who he was, as well as Yara because she chose to protect him. The mindset the tribe had was pretty much isolated to them though.

And jesus. That scene with him and his mother? Fuck.

-YARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA :( BRUH that scene pissed me off, fuck you Isaac, you bastard.

-THE SCENE. WHEN YOU PLAY AS ABBY. AND YOU FIGHT ELLIE. WAS SO FUCKING COOL. AND SCARY. Ellie man, that section really showed how efficient and smart she is. She legit tricked me a few times not gonna lie, like I thought she didn’t see me but she’d pretend she wouldn’t, only to ambush me with a FUCKING MOLY. Also the fact that the game outright says “hey uhhhhh you can’t actually take her head on, she’ll fuck you up in a heartbeat bro”. Welp. A really strange mix of horror and sadness and pride there. Hm. :/

-Mom!Ellie was so fucking sweet to see. And it made me catch a glimpse of hope that Ellie actively tried to soldier through for her fam’s sake. But she clearly had demons she had to confront and I’m angry at Tommy for disrupting her and Dina’s life, but it felt necessary. Still made me sick to my stomach to watch her go after Dina fucking BEGS HER TO STAY. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Speaking of Tommy, it was so sad to see how much he fell after Joel’s death. It really showed just how much he was like his brother though; underneath a gentle man is someone you best not trifle with, and is very familiar with doing horrific things to reach a goal. Because fuckin hell, Tommy is legit a badass. That sniper part was SO. COOL. Aaaaand terrifying. RIP Manny. :/

-Bro, I’m very curious to see more about the Rattlers but. They were fucked up in a special kind of way. There’s no telling what they did to those people they captured and enslaved. Seeing Abby in the state she was in after seeing her throughout all the game in tip-top shape was painful. That poor girl was literally skin and bones and... just beaten down.

-ELLIE AND ABBY’S FINAL FIGHT WAS SO SAD. I HATED (but I loved) EVERY SECOND OF IT. I was so scared Ellie had fully lost herself there, when she threatens an unconscious Lev to force Abby to fight, who at that point, very clearly didn’t want to. Honestly. Ellie clearly didn’t either, far as I could tell, but it felt like it was the only way she knew how to confront everything. Fight it, until you kill it, or you die. It also felt like Abby understood that since she was in Ellie’s shoes once upon a time.

-I don’t care what anyone else says I’m so happy Ellie let Abby go. I’m so glad she chose not to go through with it. For so long Ellie has been angry and resentful about a lot of things, and she never got a choice once throughout the majority of her journey. As much as I will 100% agree with Joel sayin “fuck this supposed cure, fuck the Fireflies”, it’s not fair of him, or the Fireflies, to just outright take that choice from her, that she didn’t really have one to begin with. She was justifiably angry with Joel and the moment she chooses to try and forgive him, he dies. Another choice stolen away from her. The fact that she chose mercy despite everything, and it was prompted by a memory of Joel, the very reason she was doing this, is profound to me. Like she finally understood why he did what he did, and why he said he’d absolutely do it all over again. Hell, she probably even reached the understanding that her and Abby really aren’t that different from one another in that aspect.

-Ellie returning to an empty home, with Dina and JJ gone, was heartwrenching. I fully understand why Dina left and she honestly had every right to, but it still hurt man. :C AND ELLIE. PLAYING THE SONG JOEL MADE/SUNG FOR HER. ALWAYS KILLED ME. But this instance in particular was something else man like fuck I balled like a baby. Especially when it was followed by the fact that Ellie and Joel were on the cusp of mending their broken relationship only for it to be ripped away man. Goddamnit.

-ELLIE AND JOEL DUET NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. FUCKIN HELL I love this game.

-----------------------------------------

So, this isn’t really a review more than it is me just sharing some of my thoughts on the game, but if ya want me to give it a rating? 10/10. If not a perfect score? At least a 9/10.

The Last Of Us as a series is one that’s moved me more than any other game I can think of honestly (outside of Telltale’s The Walking Dead), and just like the first one, LoU2 left me thinking about it for hours after. It’s thought-provoking, it’s compelling, it’s fun as fuck, aaaaand it’s made me cry like a baby a good number of times. I also really appreciate the fact that, in this game, they actually show the consequences of your actions. Like, they made you consider the fact that you aren’t just killing grunts to get to the next enemy or mowing through mindless drones. You’re killing people, who have lives, and friends, and families.

We got to see Joel for who he was: a very broken man, with a very dark past, who has done very horrible things in this shitty post apocalyptic world, but he is a father, and protective, and loving and thoughtful, who will do anything, anything, to protect Ellie. Blood or not, Ellie is through and through his child. But Abby only saw a monster, and could you blame her? He killed her father, and countless others, and she never got the full story. Just that a man came in and killed the entire hospital, put an end to even the smallest possibility of finding a cure, killed her dad in cold blood, and walked away no problem. And then it cycles right back to Ellie, where Abby becomes her monster.

It’s just some grade-A storytelling as far as I’m concerned, and I’m someone who usually prefers happy endings. LoU always leaves me feeling bittersweet but goddamn do I love this series. I’m kinda hoping for a DLC, to be honest? Like LoU part one, where you found out about Ellie and Riley. I wanna see what happens to Ellie; I get the distinct feeling she returns to Jackson and hopefully scrounges out some semblance of a decent life there, after confronting Tommy and (hopefully) making peace with Dina. But we’ll see! uwu

#earthsong talks

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rough-and-whump · 5 years

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Rough is a Whumpee

So, yeah, this might end up being a series, ha ha! I tend to hurt myself a lot and this might be a fun thing for me.

Please keep in mind: I might “whumpify” some of my experiences to make it more interesting in a whump context.

I’m not sure if this might be a trigger for anyone, but obvs don’t read this too much if you don’t like the idea of “whump” type things happening to real people.

Again, I do this for fun, and I’m as clumsy as a three-legged camel walking blindfolded and backwards on a snow-capped mountain.

Some context:

I do karate. Been practicing for about 9 years. I started as an adult and am one of the longer standing members of my club right now. Most of my peers in the front line have been practicing for 20+ years.

I have chosen to do this to myself, because it’s part of what I view as “my journey” as a martial artist. Plus also, I mean, my injuries in karate have never been that serious - I’m partially lucky, but mostly smart about how I fight and who I fight, lol!

I totally have a lot of times when I get hurt. Most times, it’s not bad - it’s just low-level stuff that bothers me during the day. But when I describe it, it definitely does sound bad - I find it’s okay, like, I can still function; but lots of folks I talk to about my injuries look at me like I’m stupid. But, frankly, I can’t afford to just stay home whenever I feel a bit uncomfortable. XD

The incident:

Canada Day Parade with my karate club. It’s been rainy and wet. We know that this makes boards harder to break, but we (me and my student) still wanted to do it.

Boards seem fine, our test breaks two days before the Parade went well.

Parade time. First three breaks for me go fine. But there’s definitely more hurt in these boards than the ones we broke last year. Still decide to go ahead.

Break four, last of the parade. In front of a group of small kids, namely girls. It’s my student and my fave corner for breaks since the crowd is usually really amped up.

It’s been raining now for the last twenty minutes - our boards are soaked. We know this, but we still go for it because we’re idiots.

I set up for an elbow break. I’ve done two of these and a front punch break all fine up to now. So I figure, okay, I can do this. Just all the power.

Fire it up, annnnnd... first one - bounce. Don’t swear, try again. Full power. Bounce.

I switch to a hammer fist break and get through it, but ooowwwwwww.

The consequence:

I have some righteous bruising on my elbow and hand from my two good elbow breaks, the front punch and the hammer fist. I don’t bruise easily and I have an olive/tan skin tone, so bruises don’t generally show through. But these are a niiiiice deep purple, ha ha!

Aaaaaand I have a separated AC joint in my right shoulder.

The whump, mental side:

The doubt of whether or not the injury is actually as bad as it is.

Don’t want to seem “weak”, so I often brush off pain that requires frequent and often medication.

Also don’t want to make a big deal if this really isn’t so bad. It isn’t a full on dislocation, it’s fixable, so it can’t be that bad.

Buuuut, legit it hurts. I refuse to take a bunch of painkillers because I don't like how they make me feel. I'm trying to make do using weed and rest.

Part of why I'm purposefully avoiding strong pain killers is also because when I've done that in the past, I've also ended up trying to "push through" my injury and it makes my recovery longer.

Extending on the point above: I’m purposefully choosing to feel more pain so that I know when to kinda pull back from what I’m doing. This said, I still feel it. So I’m spending the day with increased tension in my neck (manifesting headaches to boot) and a bit of mind fog from just having to devote some of my mind to ignoring the pain.

Details on the painkiller thing: I’m choosing not to use Robax, Motrin, or Tylenol much because I legit had a problem with them a few years back. I never developed any actual bad liver or kidney problems, but I was taking about a bottle of Robax Platinum every week for three weeks at one point. That’s a lot of Robax. And that was a recent blip. Before I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Clinical Depression, I turned to Robax and alcohol to manage my symptoms of panic and feelings of worthlessness. It really did a number on me. There were a lot of factors pushing me into that corner. Honestly, I wish I had access to weed at that time, because it would have helped me so much to have alternative, healthier, and less harmful pain relief and anxiety help.

When I first stopped taking Robax and chose to just deal with the pain as best I could, it took me about a month to realize that I was feeling better and better and better. I didn’t know why - I thought hey maybe it was just weather or something. But after some more reflection and a bit of experimentation, I found that it was actually the chemical painkillers that made me feel that way.

Legit I was addicted to painkillers. I went from liking the relief I got from two Robax at a time to needing to take four at a time to get a sort of “high” feeling - I could put on “robax glasses” that made it easier to deal with my abusive boss, the blatant illegal activity happening at work, and the toxic work environment and shit pay.

The whump, physical stuff (aka the good stuff):

I can’t lift my right arm over my head, combined with being a creature of habit and right handed, it’s lead to a lot of “fuck, ow!” moments when reaching up for some stationary at the office or when reaching for something in the cabinets in the kitchen.

Sharp pains occasionally - not often - kind of radiates up and down in severity. I can’t find a trigger for it yet, if there is one. It could just be pain ‘cause it’s a busted shoulder.

Pains tend to be:

“heat” at the shoulder itself

“radiating” lines of tension and sharp pulling pains up across the collarbone towards the base of the neck, up the side of the neck, into the right side of my head (somehow?! when I went to get accupuncture, that point was suuuuper effective/painful), and down towards the meeting point of all the lat muscles in the mid back.

The neck pain is the worst, it sends shooting pains up the right side of my head, and definitely puts me “on edge”.

Typing is a fresh horror. I work an office job in tech and do a lot of typing in my day, so I had to figure out with our office wellness dude (who is such a darling and so sweet, and legit he and I schedule “meetings” that end up just us chatting about our weekend adventures) how to set up my station so I keep my arm internally rotated.

Side note: legit, this separated shoulder thing is a much bigger deal than I think I want it to be. I’m scared of it, really. I don’t want to lose the full function of my right arm - I need to fight with it, plus I need to still be able to “Simba raise” my cat into the air on sunny mornings.

He was telling me I should look into getting a sling so it’s supported while I’m just sitting/not using it. I’m ok without one at work cause I can set up my station so my elbow is supported and I can keep my arm internally rotated. But like, this guy doesn’t make a big deal out of nothing - if he’s advising me to get a sling, I really should consider it... he’s a trained kinesiologist and former physiotherapist, like, he knows what he’s talking about. XD

Headache onset by 11:25 AM. Shit, I wish I took my CBD oil to work.

It’s definitely a constant presence in my mind - it makes working harder to a degree because a part of my mind is just always firing. But at the same time, work is also better because I have a reason to kind of fully invest myself mentally into work - the pain also sort of drives it. But it’s exhausting and unsustainable.

Fictional Whump Thoughts From This:

Again, this is me dramatizing my thoughts. I don’t actually think exactly like this - there are parts that are true, but most of it is just me using my experience as a whump jumping point.

“Ah! Fuck... Dammit.” (in response to trying to do a movement drill on Saturday but realizing even just pulling back my left arm with power makes my right shoulder hurt)

“No no, I’m good, it’s okay. It’s just that it hurts a bit and I can’t lift heavy things, but I can still do a lot - it’s okay.”

“Hey, uh, could, um, could I get help out to the car with this?” (sheepishly asked at the grocery store for four measly bags - I ended up just carrying the light stuff on the right side and taking forever because it took too long and I was too embarrassed to wait for help. I’m otherwise able, so I shouldn’t use resources, right?)

“Oh, no, it’s fine - it’s a small price to pay, really. I felt super badass.” (Truth, but some people don’t get it)

[This is less fictional more real, but let’s say it’s dramatized a bit]: I’m really glad this happened to me and not one of my students. I’ve trained for this. And I signed up to do the board breaking knowing it would be harder, more risky and I would certainly be injured. If nothing else, I anticipated bloodied knuckles (I still have the scars from last year’s parade). This would have seriously injured a younger, less experienced student of mine - and would have had lasting mental consequences. Especially done in a public setting like a parade. A lot of people think the boards we break are fake or styrofoam. McDojos might do that, but my club has a history of hard, traditional-style training. Our boards are half inch pine. They’re easier to break, but they still hurt.

“fuck, this is hard without painkillers... this without painkillers or weed?... ugh, my day is gonna be way harder than it should be.”

[In response to my boyfriend’s question of ‘what can I do to make it better?’]: “Naw, I’m good, it’s just me complaining. Don’t mind me, it’s fine. Just complaining about it makes it easier to deal with the pain.”

There’s a definite sense of irritation that I can’t do my usual activities to reduce tension in my neck. I can’t shake my head quickly, my neck mobility is limited, I’m getting tension pains in my left trap now, great.

When I’m in consistent, low-level pain, I often forget to breathe. When deep breathing pulls on the muscles in the shoulder due to how all the torso muscles connect, it makes it even worse.

Okay, legit tho, I’m starting to feel bummed out. So I’mma go throw myself into work.

Again, this is something I did to myself. A lot of my online friends don’t get why I’m so dedicated to this. But I’ve noticed martial artists all react to my injuries with the same reaction I have - sympathetic, but ultimately we’re a bunch of testosterone-ridden fools who like to brag about battle scars. And then ask for heat packs or back rubs ‘cause we’re bunches of teddy bears when we’re not fighting each other.

Anyways, legit this could probably turn into a series for me. I tend to be the whumpee or the caretaker in a lot of scenarios.

Is this something y’all are good with? Would you prefer this be formatted differently? Anything else you want to know? Otherwise I’mma keep doin’ it just like this.

#whump #self-whump #it's cause i'm an idiot #its ok dont worry #fight whump #bruising #joint injury #shoulder injury #martial arts #temashiwari #whump prompts #might do a separate whump prompt post in the future #lemme know if this is something you guys want #rough is

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luwucas04 · 3 years

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BING’S SPEECH ANALYSIS

Bing’s speech was a pivotal point in this particular episode of Black Mirror as it determined the outcome of everything Bing has been working toward since he lost Abi. Overall, Bing’s speech brings both the episode’s audience and real-life audience’s attention to how people’s free will and goals and ambitions are continuously being exploited and capitalized upon. The basis of their life and enjoyment—also necessities like being able to brush their teeth and eat proper meals—are all monitored and determined by how many of these Merit Points one happens to have (or is willing to give up). He talks about how nobody can do anything without it being tied to something that doesn’t even exist; artificial and temporary satisfaction that is manufactured to deter people from things that actually matter that are based on technological validation set up to control them.

(Before I get into why I think this speech is relevant to us, I realize I sound very pretentious in my explanation below so little disclaimer but this is how I feel and it has been getting on my nerves lately)

I absolutely agree with all these points he is making, and I unfortunately see these elements of which he despises ever so present in today’s media and society (although majority of my answers coincide with the takes of articles or characters we’ve looked at in class of modern culture supposedly being garbage, I do want to say that please trust me when I say I’m not actually a pessimist). I agree with Bing’s take because it’s so evident through social media and general behaviour these days that people base way too much value on their digital performance (whatever that may be); and because of how blaring it is, large corporations and business use this to their advantage (much like the judges). People become so lost in whatever temporary distraction they’re given that they genuinely lose sight of things that actually matter. They spiral into this detrimental black hole of not being able to support themselves for who they are, and get so caught up in the staged unreal lives of others that they feel as if they’ll never be someone they can be proud of or could even achieve something great. It’s easy for us to be bribed into valuing things that ultimately distract us and keep us from doing something that actually amounts to something more. Caring so much for the virtual avatars is similar to how people care so much for maintaining their hundreds of irrelevant Snapchat streaks—it’s clearly very weird yet most people find nothing wrong with it. And to top it off, ways have been established to monetize it, too.

Firstly, he mentions that “…the faker the fodder is the more [the judges] love it because fake fodder’s the only thing that works anymore, fake fodder is all that we can stomach — actually not quite all. Real pain, real viciousness, that we can take…”. This picks at how we have grown to find the most comfort in devoting a substantial amount of our time to things that simply do not matter; additionally, the most notable thing to maintain our attention are the emotions that come out of ridiculing others from behind a screen. As Bing says, in a world of superficialities, only negative occurrences seem to be the one real thing that tie people down to reality. A lot of people have become overwhelmed by responsibilities of that of a real, physical world, and primarily feel comfortable/resort to endless scrolling through some sort of feed or intaking information (whether it’s legit or useful or not). We don’t lean toward participating in constructive things much, anymore. Only instantaneous activities that (pardon my language) consist of pretty much bullshit in the grand scheme of life.

Like it’s clear we all collectively realize this yet we keep digging ourselves a deeper hole

The next idea from the speech I want to touch on is when Bing expresses that “That’s how we speak to each other, how we express ourselves is buying shampoo”. People place so much importance in how they present themselves—unfortunately it’s not usually from a personality or morality stance. Seldom do I see others worry that maybe they should do some self-reflecting on why a situation turned out the way it did, or why they feel a certain way, or how they could possibly help themselves in any current circumstances. They drown this out by buying things. A handful of people I know actually have the habit of dying their hair or purchasing new sets of clothes after facing a draining endeavour (take that as you will, they range in all sorts). And I’m like???? While it’s not exactly harmful, it kind of caters to impulsivity and doesn’t really do much to move past an experience you weren’t fond of. I understand the desire to change after going through something unpleasant, like people cutting their hair to signify a fresh start. That’s all cool and good. But that isn’t as easy as clicking a ‘purchase’ button. On the other hand, the whole god damn ‘brand name’ obsession. Like Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, the list goes on and on. I’m not sure if you’ve seen, but in many corners of social media people are absolutely infatuated with repping expensive and distasteful fashion/products made by corporations that pretty much definitely operate on abusing workers in developing countries and ruining the environment. And, especially on the internet, whether you own or can afford these brands dictates your stance in a metaphorical influencer hierarchy. I see people online take it upon themselves to paint these logos onto things like shoes, their walls, or even imprint them into things like food as an attempt at some sort of design statement. Why???? What does this amount to????? It shows that you condone child labour and severely overpriced goods?????? It doesn’t even look good either please do something else with your time for the love of god like what is this

No it should definitely NOT be made for sale thanks

Similarly to people primarily expressing themselves based on their purchases, Bing then explains that “…that’s why when [the judges] find any wonder whatsoever you dole it out in meager portions, and only then til it’s augmented and packaged and pumped through ten thousand pre-assigned filters, til it’s nothing more than a meaningless series of lights…”. Going back and reading this, I realize how ironic it is in that this is the exact tactic the judges turn on Bing in the end. Anyway, this ties into how more and more things (I am realizing I say ‘things’ a lot but it just be like that sometimes) are becoming a commodity as opposed to something you can simply enjoy for what it is with no strings attached. You know what’s weird? In the past two months I have seen SO many people try to kickstart their own business. People my age, and they attempt this by selling their old clothes or making lip balm or bracelets. Power to them, but it puts me off because I see these first and foremost as hobbies (it’s not exactly in the same realm as someone having a business in making and selling furniture, for example). Society has made people feel as if whatever hobby or carefree activity they do isn’t real if they can’t get some kind of material profit out of it—and frankly that’s very upsetting to me. Remember the whole Bernie Sanders sitting thing when Biden officially became president? People decided they loved the gloves Bernie was wearing and somehow found the person who made them. Suddenly they decided they all wanted gloves like that from her too, and suggested that because of the high demand this person could quit her current job and establish a business for them. This person is currently an elementary school teacher who happens to love her job, and firmly stated that she is not interested in giving that up and turning something she did for fun into being a sole source of income (substantially less money than that of a teacher, mind you). We are so obsessed with money in so many ways, and it has bled into how we express and articulate our lives and warps how we determine our values. By all means, a side gig is cool, but how widespread accounts like these are becoming is a little weird. They end up losing sentiment and meaning; mass-manufacturing (the path these people seem interested in perusing after deciding they’re interested in entrepreneurial activities) eventually completely waters down the initial genuine intent behind a creation or something along those lines. I’m worried that we’re losing sight of being able to just do things for our own enjoyment—nothing more, nothing less.

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swissnavy · 4 years

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The Lube Diaries

9 Women Get Real About Lube

Many of us overlook lube as a factor in the sexual equation, whether it’s during a masturbating sesh or sex with a partner/s. There is still a sense of shame, particularly among women, when it comes to lube. Lots of us are afraid of being labeled as sexually deficient or simply “not into it” if we need or want to use lube during sex.

This fear is super fucking real, too, and it’s a result of lube-shaming. According to sex and relationship expert Dr. Jess O’Reilly, "lube-shaming erroneously suggests that if a woman is turned on, she'll get wet. But vaginal lubrication is controlled by the autonomic nervous system and is beyond our conscious control.” Basically, you can be super turned on, but totally dry, and vice-versa.

Personal lubricant exists for many reasons–the first being to reduce the dryness and irritation that is so often attributed to discomfort or pain during sex (particularly penetrative sex). It can be a game-changing aid for women who suffer from vaginal dryness (17% of women aged 18-50 experience problems with vaginal dryness).

But the best part about lube is that it’s not used solely for the purpose of combating discomfort. It can literally make sex better–physically and, as a result, mentally. In a 2011 study, 2,500 women used lubricant regularly over a 5-week period. Results show that the use of a water-based or silicone-based lubricant was associated with higher ratings of sexual pleasure and satisfaction for solo sex and penile-vaginal sex!

So it’s time to reshape the lube narrative. To begin, we asked nine women of sex-related and non sex-related professions the question: “What is your relationship like with lube?”

Rachel Gelman, DPT, PT:

Lube is always a great idea. Although, the type/quality of lube matters. Ideally you want a lube without parabens, glycols, microbicides, and preservatives. Ideally you want a lube that is similar to your body's pH. A healthy, happy vagina has a pH of 3.8-4.5 and the rectum is around 7.0, so you want a lube that matches or is a slightly higher pH than your natural environment. Lack of lubrication or vaginal dryness can contribute to or cause pain with sex. Adding lubrication may not address the underlying cause, such as a hormonal imbalance, but it can definitely help decrease the symptoms. Depending on what data you look at ~40% of women under 60 report sexual dysfunction and up to 60% of women will experience pelvic pain, I can't say what percentage is due to lack of lubrication, but if someone is having pain with sex adding in a lubricant may help and most likely won't make it worse, unless someone uses a poor quality lubricant.

I think lube should be used when engaging in any type of sexual activity, including masturbation and when using sex toys. Be mindful that if you are using condoms (which most people should because safe sex is the best sex) to use a water-based lubricant as oil-based lubricant can degrade the latex.

I think there is a stigma around lubricant, and people think they shouldn't need it and if they do something is "wrong" with them. I always think of that scene in the movie Superbad where Jonah Hill makes fun of Michael Cera's character for having lube because the girls "are young" and won't need lube. Also, some people have had bad experiences with lube, it irritated them or they had a bad reaction to it, and again that may have been due to using a lubricant that wasn't good quality. I always recommend patients try different kinds, so I am always giving an array of samples or having patients go to Good Vibrations, where they have a large selection in sample sizes for people to try.

The World Health Organization, also has a nice chart that shows the different lubes and their pH/osmolarity.

Sloane Steel, writer:

When I was first having sex at the ripe ol' age of 15 (sorry, Mom!) I never used lube. Actually, I didn't end up using lube until well into my 20's. I thought lube was for anal sex or women who needed help producing lubrication on their own. It wasn't until I actually tried anal that I realized lube was FREAKING AMAZING.

Lube made EVERYTHING feel way better. Lube made everything feel more sensitive and I enjoyed sex SO much more once I brought my lube friends into the game. Now I consider myself a lube aficionado. I mean, I don't exactly need to buy a 55-gallon drum of it on Amazon (that exists...for what? I dunno but the reviews are incredible.) But I definitely use it almost every time I have sex because, why the hell not? I personally like sex to feel like a Slip n' Slide.

Scientwehst:

I don’t really remember a time when I thought, “if I use lube I’m sexually deficient.” In fact, I’m the lube queen [ha]. With guys, I would always suggest bringing out the coconut oil or some lotion to do a proper HJ. Lube just makes sex more enjoyable all around. No matter how wet you start off in the beginning, after a long session of intercourse, you’re bound to get dry and with dryness comes irritation. I actually dislike using spit for lube. I know, It sounds vanilla, but I just think its gross to have to hock spit every time for lubrication. Imagine a night out partying, with partying comes drinking, smoking, eating, etc. Then you head back to your house, you're ready to hook up and the guy just spits on you. Just feels bacteria ridden lol. Our mouths are dirty! Also, with clitoral stimulation, how many times do I need to spit on my fingers when I could just use a little scoop of coconut oil, one time. It smells good, it tastes good, the consistency is perfect, and it helps prevent yeast infections. What’s better than that?

Zoe, photographer:

for a long time i didn't understand why sex hurt so much for me. even when it felt "good" it didn't feel "great" and growing up i didn't have the safest experience with sex so subconsciously i think it has affected how my body works during arousal. it takes a lot for me to get wet and even when i do i'm not like a faucet dripping with cum as these rappers would say (lol.) when i first started using lube i was with my partner for awhile and it was something we both knew made everything more enjoyable not only for me but for her as well. in the beginning i did have some feelings of insecurity having to pull out a third party during sex and even now i battle stigmas within my own thoughts that come along with using lubricant, especially when sleeping with new people but for the most part i'm at a place where i don’t internalize any shame with using lube.

i think there's a lot of roadblocks when it comes to female pleasure and the ridicule of using lube is one of 'em. even if you are someone who gets really wet on your own there's no harm in exploring lubricants. some have cooling sensations, some warm it up down there, some even have thc in them (highly recommend). using lube has made me a more explorative person when it comes to my sex life because i'm always popping into local sex shops to cop some and i end up looking at other things along the way.

Elle Stanger, Podcast Host, Sex and Relationship writer:

I spent four years helping customers pick out and purchase lubricants while I worked in adult retail shops, and I recognized that many of our buyers exhibited shame or discomfort around their purchase. I've even heard women exclaim, "I don't NEED that", as if wanting if the purchase of lubricant was indicative of some kind of inadequacy. It's no surprise really, much of our society measures arousal by how "big or hard" erections are, and how "wet and tight" vaginas and vulvas are.

There are lots of reasons that people like to use lubricant: Did you know that prescription medication dries out some vulvas? So does stress, sickness, or just your own genetics can determine how much natural lubricant a person's body makes on it's own. Besides, it's fun! People with penises and vaginas can play with silicone lube, waterbased lube, flavored, all-natural, there are so many options and many of them are body safe and ethically sourced. I like to vary my activities and the addition or subtraction of different kinds of stimulation with toys or lubes makes for a diverse and creative sex life.

@Falkyou, web app developer, cybersecurity ms candidate, model:

There is a stigma that exists around lube that if you need it then you’re unfortunately just not a well-oiled car. In theory, this sounds legit because we lack proper sex education in our society. However, in reality, lube is the savior you’ve been waiting on to take your experience to the next level.

This is because not only does lube help cancel out friction but it is an enhancement to whatever activity in which you’re currently partaking. It has properties that have the potential to create sensations the body alone cannot - like an icy feeling. It’s like you can drive a Ford on the reg but if you had the chance to drive a Lambo for a few extra dollars you just wouldn’t pass that up.

@shesvague:

Whatever you need to use to have a wonderful and enjoyable sexual experience, use it. Don’t ever feel ashamed. Always do what’s best for your mind body and soul.

If lube is a staple in your sex life, amazing! If it’s not, amazing!

I love lube and I find it really enhances sex and gives me ultimate pleasure. But I don’t always need it, it’s if I choose to and want to. Isn’t that what we all truely want from sex? For our minds to be blown and our bodies to be sent into another dimension? I certainly do.

You can never go wrong with a bit of extra lubrication.

Halle:

I think lube and the proper use of it should be taught in sex education. When I was in high school, there was so much myth around the use of lube that no really knew how to use it and probably still don’t. Haha.

Millie (IG: @milliesykess):

In the earlier, more confused years of my sexual exploration the thought of mentioning lube was pretty mortifying. To me, the suggestion of lube screamed ‘Not good enough! You’re dryer than the Sahara desert down there! He needs use tube juice to fix all that is wrong with you and your malfunctioning parts..pathetic!’. Unfortunately, I hadn’t gaged that my parts were working just fine, he just didn’t quite know how to operate them.

Now, I keep a bottle handy in my top drawer at all times. If I feel the slightest chafe, or if i’m just in the mood to get slippery I’m opening that drawer. It’s an awesome bedside companion, an aid for me rather than a symbol of my sexual inadequacy.

#swissnavylube #unboundbabes #thelubediaries

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years

Text

Life Story Part 54

So, I hadn't really spoken to Ava in some time at this point. I feel like we saw her time and time again in vehicles. We were now going to school in the same town after all, albeit, in very different environments. I certainly heard the stories about her – in a year's time since she'd left Kendrick, she had become very well known. How promiscuous she was, or that she had cheated on people, stolen from people, or how she had done more drugs and alcohol than most of the other people. She seemed to have her hands in a lot of cookie jars. Ava had dated Teal's boyfriend for a time, Lee – until he had left her for someone else. Lee had been into this band, HIM, which was a band that Sarah was really into. I could never quite get into HIM. I didn't like the sound of their instruments. I felt their albums were overproduced, and their lyrics were more about dark romantic images but had no meaning.

Ava ended up getting tickets to see HIM in Seattle that late fall however, and she hadn't seen Sarah or I for awhile, so she invited the both of us to go with her to Seattle. I had never been to Seattle before. There was always a part of me that resented Ava for what she had done. I felt like, in stepping between Zack and I, she had changed the course of my life. It was more than just the friendship betrayal thing. I really woke up everyday going over it and over it in my mind, even though it was going on two years since Zack had been in my life. They say time heals all wounds, but of course many of us know that to be silly. Time distorts feelings and memories. But certain things just don't disappear like that. I would say at this point, Zack was like this secret teddy bear I would pull out whenever I felt like the world was out to get me, either physically, or metaphorically.

Also, the feelings I had had for Zack had changed me in other ways that had nothing to do with Zack or myself anymore. I am not saying that my love for him was one of a kind. I realize there is only so much that is possible for me to describe with my writing capabilities, and it's been nearly fifteen years since those junior high days, so things are blurry to me now. But what I had felt had been so real that I had – and still have this ability to emotionally transcend all the meaninglessness of my life. The feelings come and go, but they laid the tracks down for my depth of feeling and imagination. For this reason, Zack became a symbol to me, of enlightenment. This is what he was to me, and how I viewed him, long after the fact. If Zack thought of me often during these times, I cannot say – but I am sure it was not like I thought of him. And when I had to see Ava's wild happy manic face, I felt this cold resentment. She had Jolened me. She had stepped on something beautiful because she had felt like it at the moment. She had changed me, and in some metaphorical way, I felt like she had clipped my wings, so now I was forced to struggle on the ground to build the stairs to reach the places in life that I had once had wings to fly to. For Ava, there would always be another person to go to after this one. She was much more of a survivor than I was. But things still hurt me.

All the same, Ava was fun as hell, I have never met a more fun person. And Seattle was Seattle. And I more or less liked HIM at the time, even though it wasn't truly my thing, so I went along. It was over the course of a weekend. Ava's father drove us. I was mystified and perplexed how Ava treated her dad. She would yell at him because of his driving. She would tell him to pass people, scream at him to speed up. Chastise him for not making the right lane. It was awful, and unnecessary. She didn't appreciate the trip at all. I could never even imagine doing that with a straight face, let alone to my own father, who would have shouted so loud that a black hole would have formed (I'm no scientist – seems legit), and I would have been sucked in for all eternity. The Washington desert is actually quite large. When people think of Washington, they think of the evergreens, basically the areas by the Coast and Mount Rainier and the Cascades. They don't realize that 75% of it is just dry evil desert. Each time I cross the Washington deadlands, I always wish that I could stop and take pictures of all the small towns, the dilapidated buildings that I find beautiful, with the bleak clouds in the backdrop.

When we finally got towards Seattle, I could barely believe my eyes. I had seen Portland, and I thought it had looked industrial and enormous. Seattle looked like the future. I was shocked at all the enormous signs, the angular sky scrapers. It looked like (and is) a very corporate city. It seemed almost like another planet to me, I was so used to small town life. When we went through the tunnels upon entering I was almost afraid and thrilled, seeing the way the darkness took over everything and there was nothing but the cars in front of you, all seeming to speed at 100 miles an hour, with the orange glow from the lights on the side of the tunnel. I was really that taken aback. It was hard for me to believe this place was real somehow. I knew that cities were big, but I didn't anticipate the atmosphere, or the feeling of hundreds of thousands of living beings competing and all with separate lives and ideas. This might sound crazy, but when I am in places where there are a lot of people, I feel really can sense all those people. It's not like I can hear thoughts. It's much more subtle than that. I get the strong vibes about it.

We were supposed to get the the show as soon as possible, but Ava was hungry and mad, so we stopped at a local Ihop. My father hadn't given me any money for the trip – he was/is very much a cheap toe in this regard, so I watched Ava wolf down ten pancakes. I was happy though, just staring out the window at the big city. It was raining of course. I remember leaving and we drove on city streets that were steep. The rain and the lighting and all the people almost reminded me a little bit like Bladerunner. When we finally got there, I had to wait in line. My ticket was in will call, and my line ended up being much shorter than theirs, so I stood alone and eventually got a better place than them. I was dressed grungy in a low key sort of way, and I felt a bit peculiar, because many of the people around me, real fans of HIM and melodic goth music in general, were dressed in black lace Victorian outfits that must have cost a fortune. White skinned lads with monocles and top hats escorted ladies in corsets and large framed dresses. HIM attracts a very similar crowd of people, and seems to lyrically loosely be based on the same people who admire and adore The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. I could not help but to notice just how lovely city people were. Small town people, though I don't actually see ugly in the same light as others do, are a lot more molish. I don't know what the secret of city people are keeping from middle America, but I want to find out. Other than the homeless people, people are better dressed, their skin looks nicer, they seem trimmer and more ready for the world. Of course, it's probably because I am walking down areas where people who have money shop. And money buys health – to a certain degree.

I was stopped, and a very giant lady – not fat, but giant, felt me up and down in a very serious way to ascertain that I was not carrying a weapon into the venue, she was slightly rude and pushy with me in the way that city people are when they don't have time for you. Of course, I just stood in the front area of the concert, trying and wishing I could get in the very front, and then eventually squeezing in to a place I wanted. Then I stood for another ten years, as you do during the beginnings of concerts, till your legs are just about to fall off – until the first roady comes in and gives you false hope that the band is going to start. Eventually, the first band came out, a band called Finch. Though I will never really say I dislike any genre, since certain bands give their genre a good name and some bad, I won't say that I dislike metal, screamo, nu metal, or post grunge, exactly, but this music never really appealed to me. From what I remember, Finch was kind of a screamo metal band that fit loosely in that category. It was kind of painful.

Then, eventually HIM came out. Sarah and Ava both had enormous crushes on Ville Vallo, the singer. He is a very unique and strong faced man. I will say that. He is lovely, in a very feminine vampirish way. He was definitely not my kind of lad however – like he was theirs. The show was pretty decent overall. I liked it more than I thought I would. One thing I will say – not that it matters since most people don't know who HIM is anymore – they were more of an early 2000's deal, is that they sound a million times better live. Ville actually sounds a lot more like Billy Idol than he does on album. He had a great scream, a scream that was never once captured on any of HIM's albums – which is pretty disappointing as history will never know the truth.

And since seeing CKY and meeting Chad I. Ginsberg, I had decided that in concerts, when you want someone to notice you – or even if you want someone to notice you in real life (though they might find you a bit odd), you stare at their eyes intently, and you try to dig through their brain. I didn't want to bother with Ville, but I tried it with his guitarist, who had famously taken some kind of shyness stoic oath to never look at his fans when he played. And he did seem to just look down almost the entire time. But I had one goal in mind, and I set to it. Eventually, after five songs in, he looked at me and he smiled. I was very satisfied. In a way, I felt like my ability to make the guitarist – I think his name was Lindy look at me, it kind of made me feel like I was still unique and special, even in a big city, and if I angled my goals properly, I could bypass just about anyone to get what I wanted. I could also mentally manipulate people without having to say anything. When you are not good with speaking – as I for the most part am not – being able to have an effect simply by giving the right facial expressions or wielding a commanding presence is very helpful in compensating for that.

I was saddened to leave Seattle. All my life, Seattle had been there, and I hadn't known it. I had walked back and forth in the small little town of Kendrick my whole life. I had learned to be deeply satisfied with rocks I found at the creek, fifty cent ice cream cones at the small supermarket, the howling of coyotes at night, the smell of nails in the local hardware store. And that had been all there was. I found people who seemed to elevate my life in some way or another, just in my small town. I could only imagine the possible friendships and people that I was meant to meet in a place like Seattle. I was missing out on life. It ached deeply.

Thanksgiving came along once again. My father decided to skip Thanksgiving. Mostly, Maria's family was living with us at that point and he didn't have the money or the wish to spend time with Maria or her kids. She took care of the house by this time and he would come home and go straight to his cold room upstairs. The television was always on cartoons – usually Barbie movies for Chantelle. The house was warm and peopled. To me, it was better than it had been. I think it was doing my father a favor too, but he was getting frustrated with Maria being there. Mostly, he wanted to buy more speakers. He had already spent several thousand on speakers and amps and foot pedals and such, and he wanted more. And Maria's son Ian was the kind of kid who would have ruined his speakers, and there was also not enough room for the speakers and amps he wanted so long as they were there. But he couldn't complain. I was in school till 6:00pm and couldn't be home to make dinner or anything like that.

My mother also skipped Thanksgiving, though we ended up getting invited to a late one later on by Danny's rich parents of Italian heritage. It was a last second thing. My mother felt anxious and outclassed. She was very worried that she wasn't good enough for Danny, and she demanded that we all dress up for the invited occasion. All I had was flannels, t-shirts and jeans. But she somehow found a black velvet baby doll dress for me to wear, and that was the first time I ever wore a dress since I had been ten or eleven years old, and only then for a band field trip at the time.

Before then though, I had been under the assumption that I wasn't going to get a Thanksgiving at all. Mike and Jenni heard about that, and Mike's eyes teared up a little bit. I tried to explain that it really wasn't too big of a deal, but he seemed to feel that it was heartbreaking and cold. Mike and Jenni always had their own Thanksgiving for the students. And in most ways, that is the official Thanksgiving I had that year, since Danny's parents were kind of judgy and strange and it had been an awkward dinner to say the least. I remember Mike and Jenni really went out of their way. We had all the good Thanksgiving foods, and there was as much of it as we wanted. They even had three different kinds of pies. I think at that moment, Mike and Jenni were at the peak of my liking for the two of them. They just really seemed to care if I had a good Thanksgiving. I tried to take that care, and spread it over my entire childhood. I tried to imagine that someone above me had cared at every junction in which someone had not cared, and for a time, I really believed they did care about me quite a bit.

Math was the one subject that wasn't taught well. The school had limitations in this area. The teacher was a young shy woman named Julie. She was very nervous and didn't seem confident in her ability to explain mathematics. I could tell she was a very practical and serious person. I've noticed those who get degrees in mathematics come in all shapes and sizes, but they all seem linked by this particular outlook on life – mathematical. She had just gotten her degree – and this was her first job teaching. There wasn't room for her to teach us altogether in one classroom, since the building only had two classrooms and one computer lab, so we were forced to watch a video in the computer lab with a sterile man explaining math problems to us. The video's sometimes didn't even work, so in that case, you were lead to a test, where they would give you multiple choice answers to pick from. Remember, I had only a passable understanding of ½ of a year's worth of algebra I. This was geometry, and I wasn't really ready for it. However, it was the only math class that was available and I needed math credits, so I was put in this class anyway. Julie tried to help all these students, but every single one of us was lost so she was over her head bouncing around trying to explain to us individually how to do the questions. She had a tendency to start doing the problem you were having troubles with, without explaining why she had chosen each step.

I sort of challenged her in a way that I didn't need to. It was probably immature. I just felt lost in the class, and got sort of nihilistic about the meaning of why I was doing multiple choice on complex math equations. I was passing, given that I had a way of staring at the problem long enough to where one just seemed more right than the rest, and generally it was. But I didn't know why, so it seemed pointless to even try in the math class, and I think Julie understood why I might feel that way, and yet she had no remedy for this mathematical crisis since the job was nearly impossible as it was – and she was shy and nervous and it put her on edge. I often would spend time on MS paint rather than do my math, and eventually she raised her voice at me. Looking back, I was making it difficult for people to teach me. I wasn't able to put myself in other people's shoes like I am now. She was actually trying to do something that was impossible. I could have at least complied to the best of my ability – but oh, the folly of youth. We are all masters of hindsight.

Mike began reading a book to us for literature class. I felt this was a strange move on his part – since it seemed to me that reading aloud was only ever done when teachers lazily wanted to give off the impression of making their students be 'involved' with each other's learning, by forcing them to all take turns with reading, which gives a very inconsistent and nerve racking experience for me. The book Mike chose to read us was called A Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley and I had never heard of it. Honestly, though I had been an adamant reader when I had been younger – mainly fantasy and soft science fiction books for young readers, I had given up on reading the moment I met Zack, and it had never occurred to me after that to pick up a book very often unless it pertained to a musician I liked. Mike read it very passionately, and it was offputting at first, but after awhile, very enjoyable. I won't explain the details of the book – else I spoil it for people, but I have always felt that, with having had the privilege of having the novel read aloud and explained to me by someone quite passionate and qualified to do so – I have a much fuller grasp of what the novel was about than many people do – not that we are talking about something profoundly difficult, but it has challenged a lot of people. I've met people who read it and didn't really understand the ideas that were at play.

What I took from the novel, and what the novel captures has less to do with a dysutopia we should all be afraid of happening in our imminent futures. Basically, it was a novel that explores consumerism and technology in society, the incompatibility between comforting bliss and truth, alienation from the society you grew up in and the meaning of love and sexuality – or meaninglessness of that. These are ideas I still explore today. This novel really changed the way I thought about things. These were ideas that, as a dumb 7th grade girl pining for Kyle Blegen's attention, I dealt with. Ideas of this nature had always been a part of my life in some form or another, and I believe that these subjects are ones that come up in unspoken forms everyday in people's lives. I just didn't know how to name them and I had believed that I was the only one who noticed them – which might have been partially why I was taken in by the conspiracy theory stuff that Zack introduced me to. Feeling frustrated and alienated by the town I grew up in, being rejected, wanting love to be incredibly deep, but being confused by how sex was more of a product that you sold to people – men in particular, watching the world change around me, looking at the adult world that was quickly coming up on me and being sickened by the emptiness of it, the monotonous emptiness of my parent's lives and their overworked, overstressed systematic suppression of frustration vented at me for being born, and doing everything in my power to pull Sarah down in my own unhappiness, seeing her ability to get by in life that I lacked as a symptom of being 'one of them' - I really felt very trapped and alone.

But apparently, as I was soon to learn, I was not alone. In fact, I was never alone at all. I had not been able to articulate my thoughts – never heard anyone talk about these ideas and in a way I had never felt that they could be talked about – aside from maybe touched upon in song format – which I attributed to a sort of magic rather than the construction of logical thought, and so I had turned to feelings instead and rejected logic as some kind of enemy to art. When in all reality, the two were not exclusive, and there has literally been people in any given society for as long as human beings have been around. And there were writers, and great thinkers of every capacity that struggled just like me. It was what it meant to be human. And even the most famous supermodel in Hollywood probably wonders and struggles with these manifestations. It was humbling to me. It meant that I no longer had to put myself on a pedestal in order to feel like I had any sense of control or feel validated in my own confusion.

We ended up writing a very difficult essay for the book after it was finished, and it took me about three weeks of writing, but I got a B+ on it – and I felt like even though this might not be much for many of the students in public schools – none of their essays were this hard. This form of learning was actually causing me to rapidly catch up and even in some ways surpass the students of the main schools. It was painful. I remember this was when I started drinking energy drinks – I would drink them and write on the buzz. Mike was very impressed by my rapid improvement. He also noticed that due to the way my eyes shifted on the paper book (we all had copies of A Brave New World to read along to as he read), that I was gifted with being an equally auditory learner as I was a visual. Very few students were as centered in that category. And of course, this was happy news for me, as I felt unique and special on account of it.

I think that having reached this point in school where I was, even though I hadn't been there that long – I was now beginning to see myself as being academically gifted – not that I felt like I was a genius or anything, but some kind of pathway had been forged in my mind. I was at the top of my class. And now I was able to demonstrate a point with proof – I was not the dummy everyone thought I was. I had connected the left side of my brain with the right side and even though I had not learned a lot, I now saw the world of ideas and books as being equally real to the feelings I had, and the exterior reality around me. I knew how to swim through it and come out on top. I could visualize it. But this bothered me. I guess it bothered me because the only further thing a person could do with their academic capacity other than learning for fun – was to go to college. I felt like I had somehow been tricked by my teachers into seeing myself actually going to college and getting a degree. A part of me must have thought at the time that having a degree meant something was wrong with you. That you had sacrificed your anger and your youth to 'the man'. I felt like if I even considered college, then I was essentially giving up the life I wanted – being in a band, writing music, playing with Sarah – being cool and living in some kind of heightened form of reality I now know isn't real – or at the very least, is fleeting just like so many other things.

During second semester, Sarah and I didn't go to the middle class. It was a speech class. Mike was oddly cold about my stage fright. He didn't really want to talk about it with me, or at least that is how I remember it. He wasn't going to give me baby steps into it, and when I had to stand up to read something I had written, I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out. It was too much for me. My ego was too problematic. And for some reason – I think it was because I had done okay in speech class in Kendrick's high school, I didn't need speech credits per say. I still could have used those credits towards other subjects (for some reason they let the school do that), but I wasn't about to suffer like that on account of a speech class. So Sarah and I skipped. Since lunch was one hour, and classes went at about two hours, this gave Sarah and I three hours in the middle of the day to do whatever we wanted. It was winter now, and mind you – we were both very broke. So we would often cross the street over to this gas station jointed with an A&W and we would scrounge up the money to buy watered down coffee to draw and talk. The coffees were a dollar a piece and weren't so bad if you took total and full advantage of the mini creamers and sugar packet section. It was starting to snow in Moscow. It gets mighty cold in that college town in the middle of one hundred miles of farmland surrounding. It was oddly comforting to stay indoors, sitting at our appointed table to draw and talk as we looked across the street at the school, and at the snow and rain and cars. Everything felt so impending and real somehow.

I started talking to Sarah very seriously about what we should do next. Because I could only see staying the course of school to be counter intuitive to everything we stood for. I was beginning to get nervous about just how much I loved going to school. It didn't seem right somehow. It wasn't the cool life I had invisioned. It didn't seem very punk to stay in class and get an education. Furthermore, I was so behind on credits, I would have been in my twenties in order to pass – and that would be if I passed every single class. I was grateful at having learned so much, and wasn't about to rebel for the sake of it anymore. In fact, I was quite embarrassed for my first days in class of announcing stuff about The New World Order and the Freemasons and not knowing what I was saying or making any sense at all. I actually cared about what Mike thought of me. I actually cared about the truth now, and everything that came with that. But it didn't make sense for us to stay only to not graduate anyway. Sarah agreed with me, or at least seemed to. We agreed we would stay the rest of the year, and then we would get jobs, and start getting the equipment we needed and start practicing everyday like our lives depended upon it.

So, probably in an attempt to get a reaction from Mike, I started intentionally talking to Sarah about it in front of Mike one morning as he was getting his lessons in order for class that day. He was disappointed to hear about it. I could tell he didn't want to outright dismiss my dreams of angsty youthful instant success. But he wanted to do everything in his power to stop it from happening. To Mike, a college education was everything. Subtly, I think Mike looked down at people without degrees – which probably wasn't right, though I can see where he was coming from. I think he felt his goal in life was to get people with problems and in hopeless and lower class economic status to go to college and maybe to fight back against oppression and war. Mike was very much an idealist, and his realism was more of a defense mechanism against not getting his hopes too high. I don't remember the arguments I made exactly. I wasn't rude exactly, but I wasn't exactly diplomatic about it either. Mike ended up telling Jenni, who also talked to us. I can imagine it now, the conversation they had about Sarah and I in their ride home from work together. Mike and Jenni always felt that Sarah and I weren't good for one another. Maybe in some odd way they had a point – especially back then, but on that note I still have to say fuck them on that one ( a friendly fuck you, not an aggressive one). Not that they were ever mean about it. But they said and did some things that gave me a strong indication of what they thought on that note. Our dynamics were probably very unhealthy. Jenni didn't trust Sarah. She was friendly towards Sarah, she liked Sarah. But she thought that there was something about the dynamics of the situation that Sarah was feeding off of. And maybe my emotional issues were more understandable given I had a - I won't say abusive per say, because there was good in the bad, but a traumatic life thus far and might have been struggling against life more than Sarah was. Sarah was avoiding any sense of anger or responsibility and almost felt more important if people were mad at her – though it also stressed her out and made her feel horrible about herself. She just liked living in her room and daydreaming – though I think it is unfair to say that Sarah's problems didn't matter or exist. She had every reason to respond to her life the way she did as well.

Honestly, I wish I could have seen what they were seeing at the time, but being that I was the subject of study, I couldn't exactly ever know for certain. It would have been interesting. And I think Mike felt that I was more at fault than Sarah. One thing is for certain, Sarah and I had somehow developed a very unhealthy and codependent friendship, when I felt low about myself, suddenly the whole world became black and white and I felt betrayed and angry at Sarah, and then the next day I felt like our friendship was some kind of blessing and I felt very happy to be her friend and could not imagine what had caused me to be angry. And then I would go the other way. I was living in a split reality. I could not figure out why. My perceptions seemed amazingly clear and what I had to say made sense the same as when I was upset as when I was not. But I was getting crazier and crazier mad. We would come home, and Sarah and I would both be sobbing until we were too tired to think, and though we were both responsible for this madness, I was probably more at fault than she was. I had desperate insecurities and needs. Sarah had those too, but she didn't seem to know or want to do anything about it. So I was the one that acted out – probably due to childhood stuff that made me who I am.

After Jenni and Mike could not convince Sarah and I to stay in school, after getting called to the office to talk about it, I pretty much told them both it was a done deal. I asked Jenni not to tell our parents. I didn't really want to cause problems at home with my father or Sarah's mom just yet. We didn't want to be afraid to go home because of it. And it wasn't fair or wise to say anything to Sarah's mom or my father until we had a more realistic plan. Jenni agreed that she wouldn't call our parents on it, but come that weekend, Jenni had called Sarah's mom and raised her concerns. She didn't call my dad. Carol was not happy with Sarah. There was a chewing out of sorts. And I think this must have triggered me to feel betrayed completely. It reminded me of when the school had called my father, or when the teachers almost expected and wanted me to go to school with a black eye. I had gotten to the point where I felt safe with Mike and Jenni and now it was completely ruined and I could no longer trust them. I felt stupid for having ever trusted them to keep our secret. I was in a way – annoyed that they called Sarah's mom and not my father as well. Sarah and I talked about it as we drove to Moscow, and I was still heated up about it when I got into class. At some point in my conversation with Sarah, I called Jenni a liar. Mike overheard me talking, and he stepped in really pissed off about it. He told me not to call his wife a liar. He was actually angry. He wasn't about to lose his mind or anything, but I think it gave him the shakes. He really seemed to feel I was attacking Jenni on very personal ground. I don't think I said much about it because Mike's immediate reaction was offputting and intimidating, but I tried to point out that she had lied and it had messed with our lives outside of school (though it really hadn't messed things up for me actually – I was exaggerating because I was actually offended by the principle of the matter more than anything).

I think after this, Mike didn't like me. It was really quite that simple, and even though I held up my head as much as I could on it, it really hurt my feelings. In his mind, I had spit on the flower of a soul that was his beautiful wife, and with all the other awkward inconsistencies in my personality, the flawed need I had to argue, and just my overall everyday state of mind, he had had enough of me. He tried not to show it, but he seemed irritated by me in subtle ways. I suppose I don't blame him. I couldn't stand me either. He attempted to talk to me fairly even with the animosity, and some days were better than others, and we still engaged in conversation from time to time. But on a personal note, he didn't like me talking about friendly none school topics with him anymore – he would find subtle ways to snub me in that way. It felt like a wall was up against me. I didn't feel betrayed, I felt exiled. I became a little nervous about asking for help – as I have a famous issue for avoiding asking for help when I need it anyway and the slight bit of aggression towards me will certainly cause me to take a million steps back. The only time I felt safe to do so was when I was so deeply into my studies that I couldn't care about who I was or Mike was – all that mattered was reaching a core message with what I was trying to express. I would get zoned and ask for help on something without caring during those times - so I still was asking for help, but it still was never easy. And I am not going to lie, thinking about that cold reaction of someone I had grown to trust suddenly becoming a wall still hurts a little bit. I guess it must have hurt his feelings. Being a teacher the way Mike was could not have been easy. I suppose I must have been impossible.

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