#my answer was head trauma

[whitexdove]

@magicmonstersandmischief sent, "You're slurring." Giles informed with a curt lash of the tongue, tinged with distaste, "Speak clearly or not at all."

look -- he wasn't planning on the blow to the head. the fact that it seemed to go unnoticed by those around him would probably impressive if he weren't in so much pain right now.

however, no amount of pain can stop the instinctive "shut the fuck up."

[thinkin-bout-milgram]

Hello! If it’s okay, I’d like to know your thoughts on the Trikoto theory (3+ alters). I think it’s a cool theory! And pretty likely, honestly. (Here’s a document about it in case you don’t know what I’m talking about. I didn’t make it, and I unfortunately don’t know who did, I just found it in another blog)(I really hope that link works lol)

Hey FF! I was wondering when you might send something in. Not the topic I expected, but I'm here for it!

I've definitely heard of this theory before. I can't say I know for sure where it originated, but I've always been under the impression that a blog called @bertrandcaillet started it as they're the first one I saw talk about that theory and they told me about it a while ago. They've since deactivated, though, so I can't really check with them to see if that's true.

I think the trikoto theory is interesting, and I fully agree with what's said on the document about how it would be nice if Milgram is showing a system with more nuance than just having two alters.

That being said, I personally don't believe this theory for a number of reasons. I'm going to do my best to explain why here. I do want to say going into this that while I do have extremely minimal psychology teaching (as in, undergrad psyc MINOR), I do not claim to be that educated on DID or similar struggles. So, anything that I say will be focusing much more on Milgram as a piece of media from a writing standpoint, because that's what I have much more extensive experience in.

I will say that I am very aware that most systems have more than 2 alters. That being said, I think I also remember from my psyc class that the average number is, like... 16? I'm not at my dorm right now and that's where my notes are, so I can't check, but I remember specifically thinking about it in the context of Mikoto and trikoto theory, so I'm pretty confident it's Above Three. That means that either way, it's not like we're doing The Most Common Number, so I think two versus three is largely irrelevant on that point.

For the sake of clarity, I'll be using the names in the doc (Akakoto, Midokoto, Aokoto), but I only personally believe that two of them (Akakoto, Aokoto) exist. I've taken to calling them Orekoto and Bokuto, but for this post, Akakoto and Aokoto it is.

At its base, my problem with trikoto theory is that I don't see a lot of evidence for it. Most of what I've seen has been talking about the implications of it if you assume it's true, but I've just never really been convinced in the first place. I'll just go through some of the main reasonings real quick:

The RGB Colors

I do acknowledge that I'm very much not a visually oriented person, so the color shifting is something I'm less inclined to notice. However, while the background of the room is blue and the train station and apartment are pretty green, I don't feel like there are ever really any red backgrounds (other than when the headspace becomes red as ooposed to blue). Because of that, I have a hard time believing that the backgrounds themselves contribute to the idea that there are three. I definitely think the red/blue coloration in the eyes and such are indicating different alters, but I don't think that specific fact supports there being three of them.

The Voice Changes

This might be a me issue, but I only really hear two different vocal inflections. I understand the point about there being some harsher (?) sounding vocals that don't have the growl, but personally, I still think the tone matches the one described as Akakoto enough to count. Similarly, the parts towards the end that are picked out for Midokoto ("I'm probably not to blame," etc.) actually sound more like Aokoto to me even if I do try to track the three voices.

I'm hesitant to go too hard in believing the different voices because to me, doing so would severely limit the amount of control Natsuki Hanae would have over the emotions he wants to put into the song. The vocalists in Milgram do a fantastic job at using specific vocal intonations to convey deep layers of emotions in their songs. I feel like it would be very limiting to only be able to use certain vocal effects (ex. growl) in specific places due to the limitations of the characters. If there are two, the two voices are far more separate, which gives more space for customization within the bounds of each voice.

This is also a little bit iffier on evidence, but there's the Es cover of MeMe. I don't know how much Yurina Amami knows about Mikoto's story and the entire video is in grayscale, so take all of this with a grain of salt, but to me, I feel like Es uses two voices here, not three. Notably, they even have a bit of vocal growl on the "switch" and on "split and half, make that heart beat," which are both squarely in the Midokoto tone. They do still have the two voice split, sounding a bit more apathetic and aggressive in the Akakoto parts and cuter in the Aokoto parts. To me, that signifies that there's suppose to be two voices going on, not three, but you could argue that that's just Es' perception of Mikoto, so it's not decisive or anything.

Mikoto Fighting Es

Yes, in his first audio drama, Mikoto is able to beat Es up until Kotoko stops him. Yes, that's inconsistent from what we've seen from Futa and also t2 Amane. I agree that that's because the Milgram rules only apply to one or more alters, and thus any others that may exist can get around the rulings. We saw this between trials, too, with how Mikoto (seemingly Akakoto at the time) was able to avoid being restrained despite his guilty verdict, likely through the same loophole.

(Side note: this implies to me that Milgram's system for restraining guilty prisoners is, like the protective barrier around Es, somewhat magical and isn't a physical thing. Thus, if we were to, say, vote Amane as guilty, I am fairly confident she would be unable to harm any other prisoners, as we've already seen the barriers are able to prevent her from attacking others. I still lean Amane innocent anyways, but I wanted to point this out.)

Anyways, I don't think that this is actually evidence towards trikoto theory because it works perfectly fine with just the two of them. Aokoto is the prisoner in Milgram and Akakoto isn't. This doesn't necessarily mean that Aokoto is the one who was fronting while the murder happened, though; the rules of Milgram just necessitate that the prisoner is involved in/related to a death. It can be indirect.

I think that that's exactly what Milgram is asking us with Mikoto. The question is, how do you fairly hold a system accountable? Can you blame one alter for the other's actions?

Milgram loves to complicate these, and I can see the appeal of a complication being learning about a third alter. Personally, I think it's much more likely that the route Milgram is taking is looking at how much knowledge the alters have about each other and asking how much Aokoto would have to know to make him an accessory to Akakoto's murder plans. It could go either way, though.

Some Bonus Points

I think the strongest piece of evidence brought up is the use of threes in Mikoto's design. Other than "they just liked it aesthetically," there isn't much of a counterargument I can make about it. My best one would be that they might be going for a "switching between black and white" type of thing, which would work better with more stripes, but that's pretty weak. I also had the idea that the first character of his name looks like three stripes, which might be a better or worse explanation! You get to decide, I have no idea.

The cake sells me less, though. It's true that Kazui's is a perfect 50/50 and that Mikoto's isn't, but that's because they're representing different things.

Kazui's is half and half because his song is called half, and it could also be a sign of how he and his wife didn't actually connect more in a marriage sense; they're still two fully separate people rather than being a unit.

Mikoto, if he has two alters, is still physically one guy. Mikoto is mostly sitting on the flower designs. I'd argue that the flowers are meant to show Mikoto as a whole: the connection point of the two alters.

That's pretty much all of what I have to say on the doc (in terms of the trikoto aspect, whether I believe it or not there's some good work done in character/lyric analysis that applies to two or three alter theories), but I'll go over some of my reason for why I actively believe there to be two, because there are some reasons.

Reason 1: The Song Titles

The doc explains what the meaning of MeMe is in trikoto theory, but it definitely still works with two, more obviously so. That's not evidence, though, because the trikoto theory has a viable explanation too.

I have no idea what they'd be doing with the song title Double, though. I guess it would be a play on somebody being someone else's double, meaning they're someone like them, which is no doubt part of the song title either way, but I think it's difficult to ignore the meaning of Double that means, y'know... multiplied by 2, or:

But that could very easily be a diversion and we haven't seen the second video, so I'd let that slide. However, that brings me to the bigger problem:

Reason 2: Upright Versus Reversed

AKA, the tarot cards.

Tarot cards can be read two ways, Upright or Reversed, based on the orientation of the card when it's placed/picked up/whatever. I already went over in my original theory (which is pretty outdated, I could do a way better job but I wrote that one literally first out of my milgram thoeries and I hated not having a good name scheme for the various alters) why I believe Akakoto to be the Hanged Man (Upright) and why I believe Aokoto to be the Hanged Man (Reversed).

I struggle to imagine why the devs would pick tarot, something that clearly has two meanings to it, when there are actually three alters. Maybe it'd just be to throw us off the scent, but it feels a bit too intentional to me.

Plus, if it was meant to throw us off, I'd expect we'd get a different metaphor/symbol for the second MV (as we have been with pretty much everyone). However, the association between Mikoto and "reversible" things has continued into trial 2, even before his MV has come up.

I say this because of his trial 2 cover song: Reversible Campaign. Funnily enough, I actually thought this song would go to Kazui before it was announced as Mikoto's, but then I looked again and understood why they wanted it for Mikoto.

My thoughts get confused and fight with each other

Very Mikoto, works for either two or three alter theories. However:

I just want to waver between black and white

It's turned me upside down

There's more that seems to paint Mikoto's mind as a dichotomy, not a... trichotomy? Is that a word? I don't actually know.

The Song Lyrics of MeMe

This is sort of an extension of the above part, but there are also definitely song lyrics in MeMe that sound like they're heavily implying two. Again, you could argue that that's trying to throw us off the scent, but some of them are, in my opinion, actively difficult to justify for trikoto theory.

Split in half, Make that heart beat

I cannot for the life of me understand why any of the three alters would say "split in half" if there are three. I guess if any of them were aware of one of the other alters, but not the other? I don't think that's what was being argued, though, sorry if I missed that.

I’m already the fake one

Little harder to argue this one because I don't know how definite versus indefinite articles work in Japanese, but saying the fake one really sounds to me like there is one fake and one real. If you were just having a moment of existential crisis, in most situations, I think you'd opt for "I'm already fake."

The Mirror

This is sort of the same argument as the tarot cards, but there's also the use of mirror imagery in Mikoto's MeMe MV. Mirrors have two sides and are a reflection. You could use Haruka logic and say that it depicts self reflection, I guess, but considering the reflection acts differently, I think it's much more likely that this is meant to show the two alters.

Conclusion

Hopefully this all made sense? I respect trikoto theory and I could easily be super wrong about it (see also: my original opinions on gay Kazui theory and police Kazui theory), but I've just never really been sold. It's possible my opinion would change if I saw evidence that I felt worked better for trikoto than... twokoto? theory, but personally, I feel like most evidence I've seen for it is still better explained by there being two alters. Let me know what you think, though :)

[eri-pl]

Silm reread 7: the Darkening of Valinor

So Melkor loses his shapeshifting "soon after" he runs away from Valinor (hiding from Tulkas and Orome), but when exactly? I suppose when he empowered Ungoliant. Because later he doesn't disembody or go in spirit form again.

Yes, he takes his big bad form to talk with her— and so he stays. Forever, says the book.

Ungoliant is afraid of Aman and of the Valar. :D

Melkor promises her a lot, with no intent to keep it. I feel like this may have something to do with him being so much nerfed after the situation, unable to take his power back from her (if it would be possible anyway) and almost eaten.

The Valar do like to take CoI-like forms and eat and drink (and celebrate in general I suppose). It is canon.

Feanáro is ordered to come to the party. Huh. why? who thought they had the authority to do it? the book doesn't say, so maybe it was Ingwë, this would make sense and I see why he would think it was a good idea.

Finwë is still upset, and as long as Fefe is banished, he does not want to meet his people. So again, Fingolfin doesn't feel very usurpy to me here.

…and despite being named "Wise", he overtalks Feanáro too. :( This time it doesn't result in Fefe getting upset, but in a badly worded promise.

Ungoliant eats the trees, gets so big and ugly that even Melkor is terrified of her.

Darkness mentioned again!!!

(googling the english text of this part)

The Light failed; but the Darkness that followed was more than loss of light. In that hour was made a Darkness that seemed not lack but a thing with being of its own: for it was indeed made by malice out of Light, and it had power to pierce the eye, and to enter heart and mind, and strangle the very will.

Oh. Darkness that is a thing. No, It *seems* to be a thing. (see: Theodicy and all that.)

I'll have to make a mass analysis of all the capital D Darknesses and how to connect them all (bind? no, we're not gonna do the bindy-bindy) to one concept. But I feel like they should be all facets of one thing concept.

Another thing (a thought for @dfwbwfbbwfbwf especially, I think): It's not "if". It's whenever their deeds started failing too much, Darkness fell upon them and entered heart and mind, and strangled the very will.

I don't think I'll subscribe to this HC, not fully, it makes things too easy, their hand was forced and I don't like their hand being forced.

But partially? This I will subscribe to. They did call upon something, something that seemed to be true, something that seemed to have the power to compel them. I think this reading is very close to Tolkien's intent, because it stinks of "this is how evil works".

Am I portraying Ungoliant as more evil than Melkor?

I think that at least in some aspect I am. Because she feels like something that is not entirely, well, that not entirely *is*. I don't know how to explain it better. And he was a Vala.

Can you stop being? Can you turn from a being to a non-being? I don't think so… I do not subscribe to the "Ungoliant was an uMaia" theory. I don't subscribe to any theory of "Ungoliant was [something that objectively exists]".

Ungoliant as Melkor's (self-inflicted but still real) trauma given a illusion of form by his power? Mmm. I like this one. I don't think it will be popular, but I do like it. (Or: his hatered, his jealousy, something like that, if you prefer. I don't think those are far apart from one another in this case.)

(Why is it easier to me when something evil-evil is not really real? Is it philosophy or my personality issues? Good question. I think there is some philosophy there too.)

Tulkas gets paralyzed by the spider-induced Darkness and Orome gets a "silence" spell on him. So, not only Melkor is defeated by a spider, he's just the most defeated.

[empty-cryptid]

For the 100 Drabbles, 31. Pinned, Bruno?

By the time Bruno opened his eyes, everything had settled. He gazed up at the stars, feeling detached from himself until something tickled his nose and he sneezed. Immediately, he was jolted from his half-dazed state by a sharp pain in his chest. He couldn’t fill his lungs, taking quick gasps like a nervous rat; half hyperventilating, half choking on kicked up dust as he shifted under Casita’s beam pinning him to the grassy hill. “But I got out,” he rasped, panicking. “Some-” His call was halted by a painful cough.

Someone please find me. Don’t forget me this time.

Thanks for the ask!!

(From this list of drabble prompts)

[coriander-candlesticks]

I'm sick so I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I've been thinking about the nature of myths recently as I've been exploring hellenic polytheism.

For context: I'm ex-Mormon. I was raised in the church and, because of that, was taught biblical literalism but in, like, a more subtle way than most? I was raised believing that Adam & Eve and Noah's Ark, etc., were literally true, but that the story of Job specifically was not; I also always knew evolution and the Big Bang to be correct, despite there being a verse in the Doctrine & Covenants (a Mormon-specific religious book) where God apparently told Joseph Smith that the world is 6,000 years old- a passage I didn't know existed until my senior year of high school. I didn't realize I had believed in biblical literalism until I'd left the church, actually.

Now that I'm aware of it, it's a mindset I'm actively trying to combat while I explore Hellenic polytheism. It's definitely been a task to separate the nature of the Gods from their myths, as brutal as they often are. And it's something I've noticed within the community, too, which I think is interesting. It makes sense: Christianity, at least, has had a chokehold on much of the world for a long time, and so many of us have experienced literalism as our first interaction with any sort of holy text (though, of course, Greek myths as a whole aren't that) alongside our first experience with divinity as a wrathful God whose flaws are waved away, or ignored, or twisted into positive attributes. This also means that I'm trying to re-approach several deities with an open mind (Zeus, Hera, and Ares in particular, but many of them to some extent) while also trying to un-condition myself. I was already in the process of doing this, of course, but trying to figure out how to interact with a completely different pantheon has made that especially clear.

It extends to things like prayer and offerings, too. Prayers were very formulaic growing up, even though most of the time there wasn't a strict script to follow. There was always something you ask as part of the prayer, even if it's just 'please help me do better tomorrow' (alongside giving thanks, of course), so trying to craft a prayer without adding *everything* I'm used to including in makes it feel incomplete and, therefore, disrespectful. And daily prayer is something I'm resistant to because of prior experiences with it. I don't want to offend any of the gods by asking for something or asking for too much, especially so early on, and there's always a promised offering the few times I *have* asked. Add worries about exact obedience on top of that and it's proving to be a difficult thing to untangle. And I know that the gods are difficult to offend, figuring out how to do this takes trial & error and that's okay, it'll get better the more I do it, etc., etc.; this is more an issue with my own overthinking than anything else (hooray for ✨ mental health issues ✨). I'm not really asking for advice here, necessarily, just thinking out loud because I'm not comfortable talking to people in meat space about it yet.

[3-2-whump]

Wait, so Khaled has tried to escape at least six times? Can you tell us more about that?

K: Yeah, it was more like five times, if you don’t count the mall incident.

T: I count the mall incident.

K: Master, you literally found me in front of the smart phone kiosk watching football! I ran to you in tears and begged for your mercy! What part of any of that sounds like an escape?!

T: Just answer the question!

K: (frustrated sigh) Fine!

My Escape Attempts Over 1 Year:

1) Smashed my bedroom window to climb down the sides of the apartment building. Was found right away and beaten with a belt. Ankles shackled for one week.

2) Ran to the police station to ask for help; did not know the police were on my Master’s payroll. Was returned with laughs from the officers and beaten with a belt. Ankles shackled for one week.

3) Snuck out late at night to find the subway station in 3 °C (38 ° F ) weather with freezing rain, wearing only a hoodie and some jeans. Was returned with hypothermia and a minor concussion. Beaten with a whip after I had recovered. Ankles shackled for one month.

4) Hid in the recycling bin on trash day and nearly got crushed to death until the waste collectors heard me. Was returned and beaten with a whip, broken glass, and shreds of tin can scrap. Ankles shackled for two months.

5) Look, I really don’t think this one should count -I genuinely got lost in the mall, okay? But apparently it counts, so. Was found next to the smart phone kiosk watching football. Beaten with a belt, but relatively lightly once I explained I got lost. (Idk, do you think this should count?)

6) Snuck out the bathroom window of the tattoo parlor to avoid getting my ears pierced. Was returned within two hours and had my feet burned with an iron. (Shudder) Thankfully there was no beating after that; walking on burned feet for the next few weeks was punishment enough!

And that was the last time I tried to escape, because after the sixth time, I guess I kinda realized the risk and consequences were not worth the reward.

[birb--birb]

Bg3 really goes "I see you're finishing Astarions story quest. Why don't we turn the trauma up" and then turns it to 11. And then even further past it. And then just breaks the fucking nob off and says enjoy : )

[gaeasun]

“First to Step Up and Let Down” has me intrigued; could I hear about that one?

hehe thank you for asking about this one because its my current focus WIP. and its 13k words and not even close to being over lol so who knows when I'll finish it

This au is set in a more serious world that's pretty close to canon. Everyone who's died canonly is still dead, and it starts literally right after a version where the chip arc went differently, Fives was successful and Palps went down. But the weight of the war and everyone's lost isn't leaving Fives anytime soon. Things in his life take a bit of a turn when he rescues a cadet from a very traumatizing situation, and for reasons Fives cant think through the cadet ends up very attached to him. Fives eventually decides the least he can do is find the cadet a good home with actual parents, but struggles more and more as life sets more and more burdens upon him.

Yeah so nothing really turns out the way he thought they would.

And here's an actual excerpt:

“Ok, kid.” Fives sits himself next to the kid. “What’s the deal?” The kid shakes his head emphatically no. “Listen, I’m not sure how much Kix told you, but this chip in your head– you have to get it out. Trust me.”  Fives blinks and the cadet has long, tangled hair. He’s looking at Fives like he can help him.  He blinks again and it’s just the kid. Shaking his head violently and rocking back and forth.  Why the kriff did Kix think Fives would be able to help him?

[candlebel]

I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.

[ilikedetectives]

my brethren there are so many chinese love songs that fit minthara x someone that make me want to scream this is not something i expected on my dash but thank you for reminding me i have a whole playlist to scour

My fellow brethren, Minthara's poetic endless silver river is meant for chinese love songs I tell you. And since nobody asks for this here it is:

Your hair is like snow, the freezing night of our parting. Invite the moon to visit and illuminate those memories, love is perfect under the moonlight. Your hair is like snow, flying with these bitter tears. (髮如雪 Fa Ru Xue/Hair Like Snow)

Or this level of regret

Only one out of ten thousand parts of love is sweet, still I would rather be buried with just it... How painful it is to part? How intense is the pain? When dreams are buried in the misty rain of South River. Only when we've had our hearts broken we finally understand. (江南 Jiang Nan/South River)

Or this level of waiting and longing

Each step I take the memories of you cut deeper. I exchange the previous life, this life, and the next to cross the mundane world/mortal realm. Loving you I do not care how deep the Sea of Suffering is. I wait for you at the samsara, wait for your acceptance, wait for you to reincarnate/come back. (渡红尘 Du hongchen/Crossing the mortal realm)

I'm taking emotional damage, so Imma end this ask with a more lighthearted one as long as you don't get pass half the song

Answer me with an unhesitant kiss. Use sincerity to break any reluctance. (以无旁骛之吻 Yi Wu Pang Wu Zhi Wen / A kiss without distraction)

[thehappiestgolucky]

I don't know if you're going to answer this but, Vigilante Tiso, is this an AU of yours? If so, I'm curious about the context of this concept!

Yep! Vigilante Tiso is one of my older and blog popular AU’s for Hollow Knight (based on poll results)

Originally, it started as a joke about Tiso being in Hallownest early just to take the piss out of PK and Lurien, but slowly developed into a more complicated story about Tiso being Xero and Markoth’s son (Xero biologically and Markoth via marrying into the family) as Tiso moved to Hallownest much earlier - eventually putting his distaste for the royalty into become the cities Vigilante that continued through the Infection Outbreak and in-game events. Instead of an arrogant ant that dies in the Colosseum, he’s a hot headed ant that’s been trying to protect survivors of a dying kingdom whilst wanting a solution and is willing to die for it.

A lot of it focuses more on the character relationships as they change and are affected by the story events - particularly with a small family being torn apart as simple mortals in a gods war.

[bunnyb34r]

It was ! He had a head trauma as a child and also has ADHD which is why he has memory issues sometimes so he's unable to get a real job. Also the memory issues is why he plagiarised everything, he would copy text for 'refenrence ' and then forgor what he himself wrote and what he copied :(((

Speaking as someone whose head had been glued 3 separate times as a child before the age of 7, had 4 concussions in one school year, and has ADHD myself, I think I'm MORE than qualified to say: what a fucking loser lmaoo

Find a goddamn job that doesn't need you to use other people's work to "reference" then. Work retail like the fucking rest of us ya fucking pussy. Cope bitch.

[thefabelmans2022]

the stranger things writers hinting at very interesting elements of dustin's life and background and psyche (like the fact that he's not originally from hawkins and he was the last member of the party to join the group (before el and max) and he has no father and a slightly codependent and dysfunctional relationship with his mother and he has low self-esteem that eventually somehow morphs into other people perceiving him as having an inflated ego) and then just. refusing to elaborate.

[alphinias]

I’ve heard some rumors that Rudy is leaving OBX. What do you think the odds are of that?

I try not to buy much into what is reported on SM but I’ve been hearing this same thing since last summer. Would be an interesting career choice

These types of rumors circulate about popular cast members on every show in every fandom ever and they always have. Even just with obx the fandom has started the same stuff about Madelyn Cline (for years), and pretty unsubstantiated at that.

One thing about fandoms is they really enjoy panicking for some reason. I just… am not going to put any stock into it unless I see real evidence apart from Rudy’s anxiety in interviews. Just because he doesn’t like the promo aspect (which is only a fraction of the job), it doesn’t mean he wants to drop a good paycheck on a great job he worked really hard for. So for what it’s worth, I don’t think he’s leaving, but at the end of the day sometimes bts shit with shows is just gonna happen and it sucks. But getting worked up about random rumors with twitter isn’t going to make our time in the fandom more enjoyable.

[0809sysblings]

005 OC be upon ye

朴沢 侃也 Houzawa Kan'ya

Color: #AAE6FF

Gender: male Age: 15 Height: 164cm Blood type: O

"*'m... a**v*? *am* it!"

Q: Family? A: Me

Q: What are your parents like? A: How should I know??

Q: What would you do if you got lots of money? A: Run away

Q: Are there people you hate? A: Yeah, duh

[quaranmine]

🍉

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

very interesting question! i feel like i don't go into writing fanfic with the idea of "i'm going to use this to process things from my real life" and then it just bonks me over the head anyway. like writing is a process where you just cut yourself open and bleed all over the page, and half the time i don't even really realize what i'm doing

i write about a lot of things indirectly. there's pieces of things hidden everywhere. i don't necessarily share the same traumas and experiences of the characters i write about but it's like, oh, if you hold it to the light at this specific angle, you'll see what i poured into it. not all my fics are like this, some are just ideas i had, but i'm a pretty introspective person who puts a lot of thought into things so a lot of my fics are like this

i have this one watcher!grian wip that's pretty self-indulgent. i hope that i'll post it one day, even if it's just a tiny piece, but it's one of those fics that just got away from me a little even though i love the writing i've done for it. anyway in the fic there's some very specific things that grian struggles with and it took looking at it THREE MONTHS LATER for me to suddenly realize that it was just a repackaged fantasy version of my main personal identity/social crisis i was going through then 😭 it was actually really funny to me i was like WOW i literally didnt even know what i was actually writing about when i made this but it was On My Mind i guess

there's also occasional references to my experiences with chronic illness/autoimmune disease in my fics. i've fortunately been in remission for several years now, so my current chronic illness experience is mostly just "abled adult without any symptoms or pain who is just permanently on medication and slightly immunocompromised." it affects my day to day life very little right now fortunately but the years when i was super sick were some of the worst of my life and are like. VERY core memories of my teenage years. anyway, there's a specific bit of HTBAHB where i draw on that some--specifically, grian's very mixed feelings about being a watcher and if he'd change it or not. with my autoimmune disease, if you gave me an opportunity to take it away or cure it i would accept in a heartbeat. but if you let me go back in time and prevent myself from ever having it? idk if i'd accept. as painful and traumatic as it was, it also very much shaped me how i am today, and the idea of extricating myself from that is strange. maybe the me of the past would have been happier, but she'd be a totally different person. anyway! other people probably have a different take on their traumas and experiences depending on what it was and its affects, so that was a very personal perspective there. additionally i have also incorporated some of this autoimmune disease experience into my listener!jimmy headcanons, but i haven't been able to complete and publish my wip that is About That

firewatch au is also just. extremely this. i'm very sorry but it's gonna be pretty devastatingly sad throughout and y'all just gotta let me have this because somewhere along the way it went from "interesting fun idea i had last year" into "something i Need to write" lsjdflsjfslf. i haven't grieved or lost anyone in the extreme way that grian has, but i think there's just. so many types of loss and grief in the world. lost friends and family (via death or otherwise), lost relationships with people you used to care about so much (and still might care about), lost opportunities and lost chances to have lived a different life or made different choices, the collective loss of living through the pandemic, the persistent environmental and climate grief that stalks my entire chosen career. there will be things that pop up in this story that are referenced from my real life, and things that pop up in the story that align with my own fears/anxieties.

anyway this is why writing is the most terrifying hobby ever i am like really out here every day doing this and then publishing it for strangers on the internet to read and hoping they don't read me too hard

fic writer asks