#my anxiety w people lol
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Aimé Césaire saying that colonization works to decivilize the colonizer truly lives in my head rent-free
#this is the essence of the v problematic anticolonial critique in so much 19thc literature (eg heart of darkness) right?#(and also its more modern inheritors eg apocalypse now and the Doing An Imperialism Makes Our Soldiers Sad genre of war story)#it glosses right over the crucial 'systems of rapacious cruelty are bad IN THEIR OWN RIGHT BECAUSE BROWN PEOPLE ARE HUMAN' bit#but in that one limited sense - that cruelty also brutalizes the perpetrators - it is very much the same critique#anyway i guess my brain continues to find ways to circle back round to discourse on colonialism no matter the initial topic#lit tag#no more war#imperialism#imperial violence always comes home#cultures of dissociation#aimé césaire#i am also choosing to tag this#sherlock holmes#as like solidly 98% of the stories in which the murderer is a former colonial officer or official are ROILING w this exact anxiety#(especially the hella racist ones. lol.)#i mean loads of authors in that time period are doing it but i have a tag for acd so.#my posts
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im going to a house party and dj set in the city on saturday night im kinda nervous
#i love parties i get to get tipsy and meet people and it doubles as anxiety immersion therapy#also its a fundraiser for some1's dog's vet bills lol#i know the ppl doing it though theyre good folks. and im going w my friend and my cousin and their bf so ill know some ppl
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Me saying literally anything
My anxiety: omg your such a bad person
#anxienty#help lmao#social anxiety#tee hee I can’t talk to people#how do you talk to people w out getting anxious#is my anxiety getting worse?#lol idk#I sent a text to my friend and was like shit fuck this is awful why did I say that omg fuck you idiot you buffoon#and then it turned out fine so like who’s really the big buffoon? me or my anxiety?
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got a sortof interview for a research assistant job tomorrow and sooooooooo scareds :D
#delete later#sortof bc its basically already mine since my mom works there and said the current assistant sucks so bad theyll take Anyone with a degree#and theyre desperate#and its super casual and low intensity but still stressed tf out#bc i havent done anything non routine since december and my anxiety has gotten soooo bad and im soooo bad at talking to people#and ik the antidote is doing things again which is why am i doing this but. scary#and time is moving too fast and im so lost and i hate my stupid fuckass grocery store job and idk what to dew w my life rn#cannot stop reminiscing abt the life unlived and the time lost and while i do that i am not living anf losing time#😃😃😃😃😃😃#cannot stop thinking abt how my school life is simply over and i missed it i wasted it its Over 😀 no more chances#didnt make ONE friend in 5 years of university didnt join anything didnt do anything except mentally deteriorate#uni is supposed to be the source of so much life and experience. and yooo i missed it 😂yooooo omg its too late for me 😂😂😂#i rememebr before crossing the stage at high school graduation i was like. rn im in the part of my life before graduation#and in a minute suddenly im gonna be in the after#and then i realized recently. im in The After of university. the moment passed and i missed it#there is no more chances theres no more ‘next semester ill make friends’ theres no more Anything it is Over#time keeps going so fast and yallll i cant go back lol 😂😂😂 brooo wtf nobody told me u can never go back 😂#dawg i havent felt alive even once since leaving high school 😂 yo i peaked at age 17 😂 yo jm about to turn 23 and my last memory is being 19#yooooo whered the time go 😂😂😂😂 brooo where does it keep going lol come back wait up im runnin out of time 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂#x
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Oh boy it sure is nice not being alloromantic/allosexual enough to be "normal" but also not aromantic/asexual enough to be a good aromantic/aspec person (:
Sure is nice to finally have a community I totally fit into, everyone is SO welcoming
#chaotic rants#“there's no platonic explanation for this!” there is actually#“when are you gonna get a date/get married/have kids?” never#“let's get you fixed up so you and your boyfriend/girlfriend can have sex! ^w^” “i dont have one” “oh im sure you'll find one :0”#“i dont want a significant other and i never will” “oh that's just your anxiety talking. it'll go away once your anxiety's cured!”#vs#“ugh all these allosexuals are SO OBSESSED with shipping”#“are allosexuals okay”#“not EVERYTHING has to be a ship”#“if you ship a canonically aro character you're erasing the representation and are evil and should be hurt/killed”#vs...#“who cares about the lore of this game? what if the characters just fuck and nothing else”#“lol that character isnt het/bi that makes no sense!” it has canonical proof/is obviously shipteased all the time but okay#“lol that character isnt bi/pan that makes no sense!” it's not contradicted by canon even the tiniest bit but okay#-finally finds a character that's ACTUALLY similar my experience being aroaspec-#-that character is the butt of every joke and a mockery of me and everyone like me as people-#“yeah the 'aroace character is obsessed with food' thing is an annoying stereotype! but it's all you're getting so be happy about it :)”#“lol this character that is canonically het and is constantly sexually harassed is actually canonically aroace.”#“what? you find that offensive and uncomfortable? fuck you im asexual and i get to decide what is and isnt canonically aroace” okay#“you think this other character is canonically aroace? uhhhh no you're wrong that's an offensive stereotype idiot”#-it's the one character in the entire canon that's literally never shown any attraction to anyone else-#“this character was turned aroace by this other character. even tho this is offensive with any other sexuality it's totally fine here!”#“also yes you're a bad person if you ship this character even though they're only aroace in fanon”#“here's our webcomic where everyone's gay or trans or both! ...what? sorry there's no aro or ace or aroace characters in this.”#“fuck you if you were hopeful there would be”#vs!!#“oh everything in fiction is a person's idealized reality!”#“shipping is everyone's idealized romantic/sexual relationship!”#“if you like this in fiction then you like it and want it to happen in reality!”
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i think im slightly autistic mixed w bpd lol
#👍👍👍#not my problem...#it just explains a lot. i thought i was just fucked up and evil whenever id shut down mentally and like literally not#be able to speak whenever i was overwhelmed and this was before i was super fucked up like the beginning of my relationship#i would just go non verbal and not be abke to speak LMAOO#anyway this is not my problem nd i do not need to unpack that#nd ive had social anxiety my whole life too lol#i think if i am autistic a lot of the symptoms r comorbid w my bpd#cuz i still strongly identify w nearly all 9 criteria of bpd nd fit the whole picture lmaoo#😓idk#u just live ur life feeling like smths wrong w u but its like most people feel this way anyway..right
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→ drawing the same pose over and over again and feels cringe
→ realizes that these drawings are simply pre-ref drawings to figure out one's design so I can Draw Them
→ no longer feels cringe
#jic ur wondering why all of them are drawn w that same arms out legs semi open pose#do i obsessively worry about this to an unhealthy degree? yeah#do people not verbally tell me that seeing me draw the same pose over and over again is Boring or Lame or stupid or smth? yes but i get#like. stupidly anxious and start thinking about things like that which i obviously know probably isn't the case and that in actuality#no one cares about how i draw more than i do#but it's still difficult not to ruminate on thoughts of people subconsciously rolling their eyes at my art because its so plain and boring#and static and stiff and it doesnt feel lively and dynamic like the artists i aspire to be like#but then i also remember im only just starting my art journey. by this year I'll only have been drawing for 4 years. 4 YEARS.#which seems like alot honestly? especially w the progress I've made#but most; if not everyone who isn't me have spent 7+ YEARS of drawing and i remind myself that. oh#yeah! im on the same path they were#maybe they had the same issues i did#but ill get through it :) i want to experiment more this year w my art#i say that but i need to COMMIT#i need to commit. to actually put in effort to learn posing and perspective instead of trying to lazily scrawl color on a digital canvas#but it all seems so daunting#but; you know; in time it'll come. seeing the difference only a few months has done to my art is also truly refreshing#it lets me know that im still learning and improving my technique and that really helps iron out any anxieties i have.#sorry this got super rambly super quickly lol
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As a disabled person who has a hard time drawing half the time I think anyone who defends AI art saying it's accessible to disabled people should fuck off
#text#and then using self checkout as an example of like.#'if you're against ai then you should be against this thing that steals jobs!'#'you don't value caahiers as real people and put art over them!'#like they use that as some weird gotcha#look I don't have an issue with AI art that is sourced with permission#and the person who used the generator is honest about it being that#like if you use Adobe firefly which uses its own stock library then w/e#but the moment you use ai that is trained without consent of artists#and put people out of jobs at the same time#then fuck off#also as a note for self checkout#i personally find it to be an accessible option of checking out#like for example people who can't speak the local language have an option#and also people with social anxiety#but I do not like it when every register is replaced with self checkout#i do think that it should be an option though#anyway that's my rant as an artist lol
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spent months like I need prescription for my mental health give me prescription please please & now that I have it I'm like hm. do I want to have to take meds, actually
#part of it i think is just that typical anxiety that comes before any life change like s new job or whatever but also like#despite never having TRIED stimulants im familar w them i know people w adhd who are on them i had an idea of what to expect & thats what i#i figured id be getting but shes having me try this non stimulant option first bcus 1 apparently its good for people who also have anxiety#and 2 easier to get w the like Adderall shortages & shit rn#& im like ok i have NEVER heard of this drug before and didn't even know there WERE non stimulant options options.#like im doing all my research TODAY for the first time then pick it up tomorrow?#like me heslth anxiety girl just has to be like ok sure i guess. i had mentally prepared myself for stimulants & thats it!!!#i mean worst case i just try it & see if it works or if i have side effects but like. ugh. & i dont like that i dont like my np LOL like id#probably feel less uncertain about trying something i was previously unfamiliar with if she was someone i liked & trusted more#if i knew there were unfamilar drugs they might recommend to me i probably wouldve started over & found someone new to work with. AGHHH & i#didnt discuss any of this w her bcus it took me a couple hours after our session to think abt it & do my own reading & process my emotions#to really come to thia conclusion. & also i wouldnt have wanted to talk to hwt abt this anyway bcus i dont like her & have not felt at all#like cool w opening up to her beyond the minimum i had to do for the assessment#& my therapist is sick this week so im not gonna get to talk to her tomorrow!@#texticles#anyway i know ive got fellow adhd bitches following me. anyone try guanfacine did you like it or nah
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started "running" to whip this hunk o meat into some shape & a random resource online said its ok to alternate 30 seconds running and 1-2 minutes walking and wow. enLIGHTENING. this method makes running way less intimidating and manageable
#i do it in the most lax way possible i think with running in the evening & taking a scenic route & not pushing my limits much#but still its obviously heaps better than. not doing running at all LOL so im pretty satisfied#literally i meet 1-2 people max along the little foresty wanderweg i frequent it really helps w my anxiety i think#also finally snail pace catching up to taz. finished dadlands going on to steeplechase!!! yeehaw!!!#yoo my post
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mentally planning out the most elaborate and amazing date/romantic vacation ideas before remembering that no one has ever wanted you even as a last resort: priceless
#not trek#personal log#early morning thoughts#insomnia#yucky head cold sore throat it's been 3 days since i could talk out loud!#boooooooooooooooo hiss#somebody call the waambulance plz#forever alone#forever single#frustrating paradox#i feel like i would be a phenomenal romantic partner if only relationships didn't involve jealousy anxiety paranoia ptsd insecurity etc#or like. communication#or the other person ever having to actually Look At or Be Near me#i think maybe my head is a balloon 👀🎈#ooooooooooo lol like in those old sudafed ads where the little cartoon people are spaced out and their brains float away 🎈🎈🎈#idk wtf this is but maybe my painkillers are finally kicking in again yayyy#edit w/ slightly more sentience: srsly like local apple orchard shenanigans. grand canyon/other natl park exploring. carnivals hikes idk#stuff that would all end up costing far more money than i have and probably more than anybody else has either#i would treat them so good if i had all the money/resources and any of those charming personality or physical traits i dream about having#i would be impossible to resist if only i—*sigh* 😮💨 you're right‚ just fuck it all 😮💨😮💨😮💨
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i love art, im very grateful for adderall for gifting me with the executive function, ease of prioritization, and clearness of thought <3
#seriously a blessing in my burnout recovery#i think i had 2 burnouts really#1st when i was 12 i burnt out academically#and fell into other hyperfixations like homestuck and anime#n cartoons also socially burnt after my friends got annoyed w myhyperfixes but got close w my husband which helped/distracted from burnout#then i did again injjjjunior year i would say#i was burnt out creatively and socially and i hated band for the first time and i met my first AP class that i couldnt just coast through#because we had to do checked notes and DAMN im grateful for that teacher!!!!!!!!!!!#genuinely led to me learning how to take notes on text when i never had to before#but i literally cried. because spent HOURSSS the first few times trying to do my notes before a classmate told me theres a website that#summarized the book#which helped a lot#but it was the first time since suspecting i have Something other than depression/anxiety that i was SURE i had adhd#it kinda just clicked so i got on a nonstimulant that helped a bit but had shitty physical symptoms that got worse as i got older#i was on it forrrr like 2 or 3 years before i stopped taking it#but i also got on a 504 which gave me deadline flexibility which like#great yknow finishing out junior and senior year medicated woo#but senior year last semester i had terrible senioritis lol#which i now realize was that 2nd burnout#and literally from march 2020 to the end 2022 i barely talked to anyone or engaged on any level with most people other than smoking weed#and being a therapist#and my beautiful wonderful husband ofc but we kinda enabled each other lmao#but yknow that gap of time when my locale cared about covid and stuff was just not going on i really recovered#i didnt draw much or do much hobbywise#i did probably too much weed and not too much but Quite a Damn Lot of acid#(which.. idk who follows me now... but acid isnt a evil scary drug it is not physically harmful and wholly dependent on mindset)#and i worked a lot#but... i quit my job at the end of 2022. which kinda directly correlates with me reconnecting with my friend group#and reconnecting with them... i decided to go back to college#re realized the path for my passion for psychology lies in academia and i LIKE that
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#this thought just hit me and it’s not shade just a fact lol#but i see all these people on ig talking about decorating/designing their kid’s rooms#and i just. the IDEA that my parents would’ve put that much thought into our room when we were kids is…. absurd???#i was a menace#i drew on walls#i chewed up toys#i carved into the bed frame#we had a bunk bed a second hand desk a chest of drawers each and plastic boxes for toys etc#everything was mismatched and very erhm lived in#it gives me so much anxiety i physically cringe to think abt what it would’ve been like had my room been decorated and had fancy wall papers#and expensive matching furniture and godddd#i would’ve ruined it all and felt so bad and it would’ve been such a waste of time and energy and money#(i got my own lovely 90s decorated room w green wallpaper w i was nine and GOD the way i spent ages 9-18 decorating and redecorating that#room - but at nine i was a lot less mayhemish#anyways that’s besides the point)#i just realized i’ve never thought abt this before and that (mostly) women spend so much time on something that would’ve made no sense in#my home#(also parents being too involved w their kid’s own space makes me claustrophobic- i wanted A LOT of alone time and needed my own space#and the concept of my parents controlling my playing OR what happened in our room makes me stress sweat#oh boy this is rambly and i’m so happy i don’t have kids haha#)
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as much as I understand people who lament over the decline of people who reblog stuff, and I say this in the nicest way possible:
the way some of you talk about this makes it sound like fewer people choosing to reblog fandom works on tumblr killed your grandma
#talk away ⌞🍵🍋 ⌝#i get the concern of the decline of reblogs#especially on a site that deals so much with reblogs#but insulting people?#saying they’re being lazy#or that they’re killing fandom by not commenting or reblogging#but just liking a post?#that’s a little much imo#and I understand how it can be discouraging don’t get me wrong#but forcing people into reblogging by shamming them#and saying they’re bad people for not doing so#is absolutely not the right direction#and I say this as a blog w/ only a few popular posts#while the rest of my posts have only like a few tens of likes#not trying to guilt people into interacting with my blog#I’m frankly kinda glad my blog isn’t that popular#that would cause me way more anxiety lol#err mmm#what should I tag this#fandom#fandom issues#kinda?#reblogs#like don’t get me wrong again#I want my works and other peoples works to reach more people#it’s just no big deal to me personally if my own works don’t reach that many#I want more people to reblog my stuff and comment on them#I’m just not crazy about it
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ppl will be like oh im so crazy im so feral im just a fucked up little creature that craves violence but could all of these same folks listen to an ocd individuals worst intrusive thoughts without recoiling and accusing them of being a terrible person ... idk pookie !
#as someone who has stumbled across many fucking people that felt like they needed to idk#exaggerate their own experiences w mental illness to make me feel... less alone? or really make themselves feel less alone#not sure which#but its this weird type of cherry picking like which mental health issues ppl are actually okay with accepting in another person#idk man i just think ppl dont realize how far behind we really still are lol#for the most part i just dont pay mind to a lot of it but sometimes the memes have me sitting here like :)))) bc damn#ill never know what its like to not be in a constant state of managing my symptoms & in a lot of situations ill just never win#bc some ppl will misunderstand and misrepresent me no matter what i do or how i present myself#and you'd think there would be more understanding sometimes atp#idk random venty bc my anxiety and intrusive thoughts have gotten so bad recently#void
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***THIS IS A POST ABOUT MY PERSONAL TASTES, NOT ABOUT THE VALIDITY OF CERTAIN CREATIVE OUTPUTS/FORMS/ACTIVITIES/COLLABORATIONS***
Ok. Once again. Pretty much every time I see a cool ttrpg concept I'm like, damn I wish someone developed this into a novel so I could meaningfully engage with it.!
#i honestly don't know the real number but it FEELS LIKE a solid 90% of my friends both irl and online are ttrpg people#and that's great!#but i simply cannot. not just d&d i know there are many other types#i don't like improv or math i don't like many rules. frankly i don't like GAMIFYING narratives i just want to read them or write them mysel#or prose rp them#yeah i make this post every few months or so after 1am sorry#it just kinda sucks to be this type of gay nerd and also ummm not really able to engage with any of this w/o earthshattering anxiety!#i will play scrabble with you or backgammon or standard 52 deck card games. i don't really enjoy most other games! lol#i'm sure you have a game in mind that defies everything i've said here btw but probably it will just give me a panic attack so Don't pls<3#oh i did 3 more whole posts in the tag really. hi.#txt
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