#my autism is exhausted

[spacebugarts]

Y'know what being undiagnosed your whole life feels like being part of a stage play you didn't sign up for and have never heard of, and the director gives you nothing but a slip of paper with your character's name on it while everyone else is reading off of their scripts, and when you ask him why you didn't get one he just shrugs and says

"I can't help you, its not my fault you didn't learn your part."

And when you ask anyone else they're like

"um, don't you have one? You should already know this anyways, everyone knows that part, it's easy."

So you're just wandering around the stage doing improv, trying not to bump into anyone, and wondering why it's so hard to keep up because everyone else says you should be able to :/

[loverboybreakdowns]

so fucking sick of people saying im “angry” or “trying to start an argument” because thats literally just my voice!! “no need to get frustrated :)” im not! frustrated!! THAT IS LITERALLY JUST WHAT MY FUCKING VOICE SOUNDS LIKE!!

[caps transcription: “that is literally just what my fucking voice sounds like!!” end caps transcription.]

[kotikaleo]

Aautistic meltdowns

Autistic meltdowns are an involuntary response to sensory or emotional overload and overwhelm. This highly dysregulated state is not behavioral, but a physical manifestation of a neurobiological reaction. They can happen at any age and take from 20 minutes to few hours before the person is able to recover. It is not a temper tantrum, as it is not a manipulation tactic in response to not getting needs met, meltdowns are a physical manifestation of a neurobiological reaction and cries of distress.

[autisticlee]

"just be yourself" has always been one of my most hated things to hear from someone. it may sound simple and easy to you, but when you grew up never able formed a single solid personality (because you grew up autistic or for some other reason) and/or have always felt more like 20 different personalities in a trench coat who fight over who is supposed to be in charge, that "simple" advice is so much less simple.....it can even seem impossible.

[lifeof-pink]

in this essay i will explain how orv uses the often overused and memed upon theory that everything in a whimsical fictional universe is actually just a dream in order to portray a fascinating narrative of childhood trauma, mental illness, and the need for escapism in a late-capitalist, post-internet world

[cathalbravecog]

A very self indulgent drawing of Misty I've been working on for a few weeks... On and off. But now it's here! :]

[atlantic-grave]

Monster Hollow got a redesign wrow (it goes by Knight due to... lots of reasons..)

And a fluffy hollow thing, they grew Radiance feathers during their infection period and it's a source of trauma weeee

[driftbit]

being autistic and working in a position where you do customer service is a special hell while trying to unmask.

[dameronalone]

tism/ND ppl with executive dysfunction:

how the fuck do you get yourself to eat food when any amount of preparation feels entirely unreasonable

ive had such low energy the past like week and a half I'm barely eating enough food to get me through the day and def not like whole entire meals like I used to or intend to or sometimes was able to manage.

it especially sucks bc I loveeeee cooking I really do but cleaning up is such a chore it sucks all the joy out of cooking. and even when I know I enjoy cooking, the idea of standing for all that time and using all that energy to make food I will eat in less than ten minutes just. makes it not worth it

even like, making a sandwich. I'm not a huge sandwich person it's not really my jam. I'll eat them but I don't like go OH BOY SANDWICHES. idk. idk

simultaneously my sensory issues mean I typically dislike canned soup with meat/noodles/veg in it and I typically don't like most frozen means if they have meat in it. I just don't like the texture of meat when it's been frozen and microwaved. and when I don't cook, I don't have leftovers to eat for lunch when I come home from work which means I often just eat a little snack during my break.

i just don't know what to do and I don't think getting fast food is a good solution either because I don't have that kind of money to spend on groceries AND THEN ALSO for takeout or whatever

like I don't know what to do. I am so often not even very hungry and I know that's probably at least partially a side effect from my meds but then I just don't think about it and it's just such a decision paralysis meltdown inducing task to try and figure out what I'm going to eat for dinner it's like what even is the point. and I live by myself so there's nobody to share the load of cooking or even deciding what to do

all that to say, tism/ND ppl with executive dysfunction: pls tell me you have advice that I haven't tried already that actually works

[sulfursystem]

friendly reminder that you can do activities that seemingly clash with your disabilities and you can enjoy whatever you want

like yes i have chronic pain and fatigue and im autistic, and yes i went in the mosh pit and wall of death at a 5 hour long loud ass metal show. why? cause its fucking fun and fuck you i can enjoy my life however i want to.

does my body hate me even more now? yes. was seeing gwar live worth the pain and soreness and bruises after? fucking absolutely, and id do it again.

im not putting up with my disabilities, my disabilities are putting up with me bitch

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

I desperately need a vacation from my body and mind. Sleep just doesn't feel the same. I wake up more tired than when I fell asleep, more sore and nauseous. Chronic fatigue is gonna end me. I can't catch up, my brain feels like it's running nonstop. My body still can't tell me what it needs. My CRPS still hasn't ended with amputation. My hEDS is barely treatable. There's so much more too.

Nothing I have can be cured.

Being autistic is hard, being autistic with severely debilitating chronic illnesses makes it feel impossible.

I'm just so damn tired.

[atypi-cals]

The queer urge to go to pride vs the exhausted disabled apathy towards the event

[autisticlee]

sometimes I have autistic realizations that hit really hard.

I'm listening to a podcast (science vs) episode about meditation and what it does/how you do it/if it works. first there was an example of a meditation for mindfulness and focusing on breathing and how it feels. I was thinking how that seems pointless because i'm always aware of how it feels to breathe: my chronically stuffy nose, asthma, ribcage/back hurting if I breathe too deep/etc. but I already knew I have to think about breathing more than most people or I might accidentally hold my breath, and my chronic stuffy nose is very annoying to deal with.

then this part i'm at now talks about how most people go through taking a shower without really realizing they're doing it, like they arent feeling the shower sensations and just go through the motions. so mindful showering is feeling the water on your skin, feeling the temperature of the water and how it changes, etc. "being present, knowing what it feels like, knowing you are there and alive and having that experience..." and that's what mindfulness is.

the thing about me, due to being autistic, i'm basically practicing mindfulness 24/7 against my will. my sensory units in my brain are on constant overdrive and I cannot turn them off. i'm aware of every sensation and feeling and sound and etc at all times and can't ignore them.

the big realization this gave me is that...I'm profoundly aware of being alive and present. i'm overly aware of what i'm experiencing at all times. while most people can use mindfulness to ground themselves from overwhelm and anxiety caused by every day life worries, I GET anxiety and overwhelm from mindfulness-like experiences.

how do i tune things out and turn off my brain? I need an anti-mindfulness method that isn't dissociating out of my mind 😅

[mrpsychokiller]

i think everytime im forced to spend a day with my family i should be paid $1000 usd dollars directly on my bank account

[irrigos]

bad news: im at it again

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads / storygraph

Something More

YA contemporary about a Palestinian-Canadian girl starting high school, navigating new crushes and accepting her recent autism diagnosis