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kylekozmikdeluxo · 1 year

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Bonkposting

I was randomly re-watching BONKERS this week. Coincidentally, that show turned 30 this year... Now that's *bonkers*!

For the uninitiated, it's a Disney TV Animation-made series that had the usual 65-episode run. It was a WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT-inspired show made at a time when Roger Rabbit's future was up in the air, and this series - inspired by ROGER RABBIT'S core premise of cartoon characters living in our world and being the actors of their animated pictures - just so happened to be in development. Seemed to be the perfect "that'll do" situation! Its production history, so complicated it scrambles my brain, but fascinatingly so, like any troubled production. The entire show, including an episode that was held from TV for years due to depictions of bombings (in the wake of the Oklahoma City bombing and 9/11), is available to view on Disney+.

The show itself is every bit as puzzling as its production history, no matter which batch of episodes it is or who animated on them. It feels like it's a weird outsider-artist's attempt at a wacky, spontaneous Tex Avery-inspired cartoon, but it frequently misses the rhythm even though it's earnestly trying with everything it has got... That is all juxtaposed with this very high-grade art direction and animation (for a 1993-era animated TV series, that is), particularly the episodes made at Disney TV Animation Japan. It's like I'm watching some badass '80s anime take on L.A., but with these silly-looking 'toons. A hell of a contrast! But the show's weird attempts at zany humor are all the more questionable because this is a DISNEY SHOW, you would think they could pull this off. I know it's popular opinion that Disney animation, all throughout history, was never "funny"... Though I beg to differ. Disney TVA, from my perspective, tended to be more "fun adventure" than wacky comedy. Not in the wheelhouse of, say, ANIMANIACS or REN & STIMPY. Bonkers D. Bobcat himself actually started appearing on one of Disney's attempts at a wacky show, RAW TOONAGE, a year earlier. There was also this show called THE SCHNOOKUMS & MEAT FUNNY CARTOON SHOW, which fits this bill, too. The respective executions of these shows apparently left a bit to be desired.

I first saw BONKERS when its re-runs aired on Toon Disney, a long-defunct channel, in the late '90s and early '00s. That was the way I, a 1992 baby, could see all of those early-era Disney TVA cartoons and many of the ones that were part of the legendary syndicated "Disney Afternoon" block. I saw almost all of 'em, from DUCKTALES to TALESPIN to TIMON & PUMBAA. That was a brief period of time though, when my grandmother had a cable package that included Toon Disney. Later on, she didn't, and neither did I at my house... So I went a good many years without seeing those shows again, the only one I had pieces of on VHS was NEW ADVENTURES OF WINNIE THE POOH.

I'll tell you what *weirdly* filled the void for me...

SONIC ADVENTURE.

Yeah, you heard that right... SONIC ADVENTURE. And by that, I mean the original version released for the Sega Dreamcast in North America in 1999, which I got sometime in - I wanna say - spring 2000? Easter present, maybe?

Now, my grandmother still had Toon Disney when I had SONIC ADVENTURE... Because at the time, Toon Disney was airing... ADVENTURES OF SONIC THE HEDGEHOG! That's right, the DiC cartoon from 1993. The wacky one. I sometimes caught it in passing, but I really wanted to see it now that I was playing SONIC ADVENTURE religiously circa mid 2000... But it was never on when I was over there, I had only caught a commercial or two. I remember catching one during an airing of BONKERS, and it was like "The SONIC show... Whoooooaaa." My 7 1/2-year old brain on a high of some sorts, 'cuz that's just how my weird-ass autie brain works you get the gist?

Anyways, when I no longer could watch Toon Disney, I had SONIC ADVENTURE...

Here are the weird connections I made between SONIC ADVENTURE and Disney TV Animation's output circa 1987-1995:

Anthro animals, check. Goofy villain, check. Sonic's design channels Felix the Cat and early Mickey, very much Western "funny animal" in spirit. Coincidentally, FELIX THE CAT: THE MOVIE was airing on Disney Channel and Toon Disney around this time, I remember seeing commercials for it at the time... And remembered seeing scenes of him running around some palm trees, a jungle-like setting... and I thought it looked kinda Sonic-y and kinda cool. Moving on: Tails' bi-plane, the "Tornado". TALESPIN vibes. Has two tails, 'tis his nickname... What else, Station Square, a city with both humans and cartoon animals, reminding me of not only BONKERS, but also Duckberg. The "At Dawn" section of the "Speed Highway" level in particular had those vibes, for me... And then you have the Mystic Ruins, the spacious jungle hub world with the temple. Disney had a couple of "jungle" shows at the time, outside of the JUNGLE BOOK-inspired TALESPIN, you also had JUNGLE CUBS (basically MUPPET BABIES by way of JUNGLE BOOK), MARSUPILAMI (a very bizarre adaptation of the Franco-Belgian comic of the same name), and the aforementioned TIMON & PUMBAA spin-off.

So yeah, SONIC ADVENTURE and certain Disney TV Animation shows were kinda "linked" in my brain circa 2000-ish. It's a thing my brain does, it makes these weird connections or associations with disparate media. Like, I'll be hyperfixating on three or four separate things in a period of time (say, September-November 2005)... And because of that, they're all linked in my head. I'll think of one of those things, and I'll think of the three, if that makes sense.

In fall 2002, for my birthday, I received a DK book called DISNEY: THE ULTIMATE VISUAL GUIDE. It had a two-page spread dedicated to the DTVA stuff, and lo and behold, BONKERS was on there... and it all came back... And for whatever reason, I built up BONKERS in my head as this amazingly funny thing. It was even in the name, and at the time, I was developing a cartoony slapsticky idea of my own... Which totally morphed and mutated over two decades into the behemoth beast that it is now... Partially thanks to BONKERS, a show that's considered one of the worst of the Disney Afternoon and that whole era of DTVA... I simply had to see this show again, and all the other Disney TV Animation cartoons that weren't being shown on any other channel.

And I eventually caught a few of the Bonks on Toon Disney somewhere's else in mid-2003, and remember thinking "Yeah, it's as cool as I thought!" But then many, many moons later - with much more knowledge under my belt, a lot more context, a lot more animation history, etc. - I gave it a proper revisit. This was probably right around the time it came to Disney+, and after hearing other outlets either fairly criticize or outright trash the show. I mean, ANIMANIACS - probably fueled by Steven Spielberg's beef with Disney/Eisner at time, which affected ROGER RABBIT plans going forward - was roasting BONKERS. And what I saw was a show that was certainly a mess... I mean, when your plug is pulled halfway through production and your show is straight-up rebooted w/ an all-new supporting cast and main character redesign- it's a miracle the show even got made, finished, and was somewhat watchable. I have a soft spot for it, really. There's a kernel of a really cool, wacky, ROGER RABBIT-lite there... and under different circumstances, it could've really stuck the landing... But it meant a little something to me, and that's all that matters.

#disney #bonkers #shitposting #reminiscing #autistic things #autie things #hyperfixations #sonic as well

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marchy-emmet · 2 years

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PLA - Volo and his potential ADHD traits (a theory)

Helloooooooooo gamer nation!! I think I may or may not be the first to make an entire written post about this. I wasn’t able to find any other headcanons addressing this. So without further ado, let me begin explaining.

AS A QUICK DISCLAIMER:

I’m writing this as a person who has “moderately severe” (my weird way of describing it) ADHD. Many people are unaware this is a neurodevelopmental disorder. Paired with autism, it can be very impairing in a world where society demands your brain to function “normally”.

This post will not focus on Volo’s actions for obvious reasons -- his ADHD would not be the cause of this. This will focus more so on his general behavior and quirks.

ADHD MISCONCEPTIONS:

It is a common misconception that ADHD is merely an attention disorder that would make one “spacey, inattentive and unable to sit still”. While these are indeed ADHD traits, this is nowhere near descriptive of the full picture. For example, symptoms that are often regarded less are the tendency to develop hyperfixations, and the lack of dopamine you’d find in an ADHD brain. (Hence why stimulant drugs such as Adderall affect us differently -- the dopamine increase settles the brain’s dopamine and noradrenaline supply back to baseline, whereas a non-ADHD person would receive a “high” from this.)

Because of these misconceptions, the disorder isn’t taken as seriously as it should, and is commonly associated with “boys in class who can’t sit still for 8 hours”. This is unfortunately society’s reality.

WHY I THINK VOLO MAY HAVE ADHD, OR AT LEAST DISPLAYS TRAITS:

You may be wondering why, despite the lack of “obvious” symptoms, I think Volo may have ADHD. My reasoning includes hyperfixation, hyperfocus (another commonly glossed symptom), spontaneous behavior and occasional inattentiveness.

Hyperfixation and hyperfocus - Ah, yes. The best and most obvious part. Volo very clearly has a hyperfixation on myths and legendary Pokemon -- and because he lacks traits of autism, I would consider this a hyperfixation and not a special interest.

Hyperfixations can also develop from fears, trauma and pain. We know Volo has gone through some shit, as he states, "You see, ever since I was young, whenever I met with something painful or heartbreaking... I couldn't help but wonder why life was so unfair. Why I was cursed to live through such things. Of course, I imagine we all go through something like that. Eventually, I chose to direct all my energy into my own natural curiosity and ambition.” We’re not given closure on what this pain was that he experienced -- but given the context, he may have religious trauma (or the Pokemon universe equivalent). Given this, he may have developed a hyperfixation on myths and legends as a result.

I would refer to this as an unhealthy hyperfixation.

Speaking of natural curiosity and ambition..... Guess what? Real people with ADHD tend to have natural curiosity as well. They direct their energy towards the novel, and whatever may seem fascinatingly interesting (ex. my interest in psychedelics is a common ADHD fixation, believe it or not!). Those with ADHD are not only “lacking” focus -- they are hyperfocused on novel, in-depth topics.

One more point to close this portion off is how Cogita comments on this behavior. I do not have the quote on me, but I took note of when she expressed that Volo only wishes to participate in exploring when it piques his interest. (I find this to be a good example of both hyperfocus and lack of focus)

Impulsivity, and more hyperfocus - When Volo suddenly screams, "THAT'S ONE OF THE PLATES WE WERE LOOKING FOR! Ahem. Apologies. That's indeed one of the plates that we've been searching for.” While this can totally be interpreted as mere excitement that his plan is succeeding, it can also be interpreted as a brief lack of self control. (This is not to imply those with ADHD are NEVER in control -- this would be an example of a breakthrough.)

He talks. A lot - You could also tie this one back into hyperfixation -- but Volo talks a lot. He’s always intellectually stimulating himself and infodumping to those around him. In fact, I don’t believe anyone else in this game speaks in as many paragraphs as this man does.

It’s literally a thing that I, and other people with ADHD, will do. Especially while typing in chats. If I’m engaged in a conversation that piques my curiosity, I’ll dominate the conversation and form connections, jumping from one idea to another. My brain never pauses. While I don’t engage in too much small talk, I have a side that requires extra stimulation that manifests this way. Many of these ideas may be uncorrelated to my hyperfixations. It can be jumbo, mumbo and wumbo, flying straight out the ass.

Expressing excitability and curiosity - He seems to always want to delve deeper into things. ANYTHING. Holy shit. And he will continue specifying what exactly he is talking about. Always asking questions.

Some extra tidbits + more quote evidence -

Giant paragraph chunks like these: “Have you not heard of the notorious Miss Fortunes? They're a trio of bandits that have even hit us Ginkgo Guild more than a few times! Not the kind of regulars I like to have, let me tell you! Miss Calaba is doing everything she can to regain the fragment, but at 99 years old... It's a bit hard for her top chase leads all over the place. So what do you say, kind sir/(female term)? Why not help find the fragment for the warden? Oh--naturally I'll be happy to lend you a hand! Those sisters swiped my wares, too, and I'm no Ginkgo Guild merchant if I take that lying down! And far be it from me to let them just get away with vandalizing the precious ruins of this region! You know, I did see the remains of a campfire near the Mirelands Camp. Perhaps worth checking out?"

I think the way he constantly appears on a whim to the player is... hm... interesting. Like he is always searching around, walking almost aimlessly and running into people on the way there. This may possibly be a sign of self stimulation.

COUNTERARGUMENTS:

Of course, not everyone will agree with this. Perhaps all of this obsessive wumbo jumbo is merely a result of his obsessive insanity -- and maybe he’s stalking the player when he appears seemingly out of nowhere. All of this, for all we know, could just be unhealthy obsession and malice. But on the other hand, it could be ADHD paired with unhealthy personality traits -- and a horrible upbringing.

As Colress states in Masters -- all of your perspectives are valid.

CLOSING:

I don’t believe there is sufficient evidence for there to be a full diagnosis on Volo. But... he definitely does display traits of ADHD. I think it is safe to keep this noted as a possibility -- but not as the truth.

And again, this is not to stigmatize ADHD by associating it with a “villainous” character. His actions are not a result of ADHD -- they are a result of free will and possible trauma.

If anyone has anything to add, feel free to do so! I definitely think this post is scrambled like an egg and not fully touched on. I wrote as much as I could think of.

#headcanon #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #adhd #volo pokemon #merchant volo #pokemon legends arceus #I don't know if I'm a nut for writing this #who knows #no one else I am aware of has thought of this and I feel strange lol #I could actually add Colress to this...

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poetryofyouth · 2 months

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mmhhh that last post made me think about Things™ again no no bad brain stop it also i didn't know there is a 30 tag limit per post hah

i am currently in a bit of a weird place regarding the whole SH thing because i don't think mentally i am all that unwell... the regular amount of unwell mostly, only occasionally suicidal and rarely all that serious about it. Though fascinatingly enough while in the past it was a bit more gradual - either low or ok or even genuinely good for long stretches of time - nowadays the thing that confuses me is that i will have a ok day and then still have a very bad night. or vice versa. it is a bit unforseeable when it will be bad and i honestly usually don't even see a reason.

anyways so the point is i am not unhappy... not significantly unhappy at least. But still in the last few months the topic of self harm has been more present for me than in the last two years, and i can't really tell why because i don't FEEL worse overall. And yet i have been slicing up my legs like back in the Bad Days.

I think a part is that I honestly don't really have any consequences now. I mean you learn with time. Put down a towel so you don't make a huge mess. Period Pads absorb a lot of blood. I can probably take apart any drug store razor in a matter of minutes. It's a skill babes and i have 11 years of practice

But I live alone now, no one i have to hide from. No one to notice if i were to get a little blood on the bedsheets after all. I haven't worn shorts in public in years so i don't even have to feel like i have to sacrifice wearing shorts now that i have fresh scars again. My legs habe never been scar-free in 11 years, so at this point it isn't really like i feel any need to preserve nice clean skin, there barely is any unscarred skin on my body, or well at least not where I would consider cutting. It's not like these kinds of scars will ever be really gone, so why try to not add new ones? what exactly is the downside even to not do that?

In truth I have never truly understood why some people (inpatient nurses) are so godddamn bothered. I mean, drinking yourself into oblivion every weekend is probably wayyy more dangerous and unhealthy and people do that openly. The fact that i eat wayy too much sugar and never exercise is way more detrimental to my body i am sure. But occasionally insuring myseld would shock people so much more. I am sometimes tempted to "accidentally" let my pants ride up at work so people would see my legs.... i wonder what their reaction would be. I think it would be disgust. My scars are not dainty scrathes i think most people wouls find them pretty shocking..

This might be the most crazy thing i have written here but, sometimes i get something out of it - feeling fresh cuts tingle under my pants while i am at work, acting normal. It is a certain kind of thrill, knowing i couls start bleeding without noticing and having people figure out that something is up. A lot less fun when i actually bleed in public hah but that hasn't happened in a long time, i am fairly good at avoiding accidents like that nowadays. practice makes perfect. But being in pain, having to not let anyone notice, continueing a friendly conversation, doing my job like nothing is wrong - that adds a bit of spice to the whole act of it.

It is annoying however because occasionally there will be times when i cant hide.. i have a gynecology appointment in September and there is no way my current scars will in any way be hideable during that. But i guess i'll cross that bridge when i get to it

And - that was in winter, way before my current return to the habit, something i still think about is when I dated someone for a while, and eventually I was undresses at a certain point. she didn't say anything back then, but later she texted me, asking about the scars. And honestly that was so very upsetting to me, her nonchalantly confronting me via text message about that, i lost all attraction for her. it sounds weird probably. i mean it was good before that, but at that . moment i knew it had to end because i just couldn't deal with that. i was not prepared for conversations like that. That probably makes me a bit of an asshole but i ended it shortly after that, i just couldn't see her anymore without thinking aboht that... it is silly of course, i mean people reacting to that is a consequence of my actions that i should have known would happen

but honestly, back then, it wasn't even on my mind. I hadn't done anything in a long time.. i didn't even think about my scars because at that point most were faded to white and not all that visible, i at that point had the least-visibly scarred body i had had in years.

I have started thinking that that probably is a reason for now... i mean, if even then my scars that i dont even notice anymore, are so shocking and worrysome to someone else - then there basically isn't a future where my scars won't be shocking - even if i never did anything again, so many parts of my body will never not be scarred. That kind of tissue damage only fades but will always be there, your fingers will always be able to feel them.

So why even bother. I won't have a body that isn't shocking in some way, why try to not do it again. I think some of the new scars are acts of pettiness to her... if she would ever know that i am sure she would feel horrible. She is a good person.... I am glad we don't talk anymore. I hope she is alright , I hope she finds someone who won't drag her down like I inevitably would. Maybe I choose to do this again so that i would never even consider getting close to someone like that again.... maybe. Maybe it is just a well-known and reliable comfort. Maybe it is my secret act of rebellion, maybe i like to prove to myself that i can endure pain. maybe i just like seeing blood. yeah it's all of these things

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stresshyperdeath · 2 years

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Weird Blog Post Where I Muse On My Future and Think About Boats - Date 2/12/2023

Oi, brain's been funky for the past while. On my last semester of Uni (hopefully), and I've been hit with the wall of "Oh no, I need to figure out my career". Still, Chem Degrees slap if you play the cards right, I suppose. Issue is, I really want to work on ships and in the maritime industry. I've heard that if I get a Marine Chemist degree, I some companies might hire me on to work either in shipyards or even on the boats themselves. Lotsa doors open, but I have no damn clue what to pick. I even considered joining the USN, but, like, uhhh, maybe best to not??? As much as I love ships, those are warships, and they have an explicit purpose in what they do, and I don't know if I can, as a human, participate in militarized industry. The only reason I can see myself joining is if I want to get Nuclear Training or to get in a Submarine lol. Plus, civilian maritime jobs seem more fun with less stinky issues, since a lotta U.S. Sailors have been having it rough. Fascinatingly, my current options for wanting to be at sea are : Work with NOAA or join the NOAA Corps (apparently they are a whole uniformed service???), or get certified as a Marine Chemist or as a Industrial Hygienist. Again, lots of doors, though I want to get a job that best fits what I've been educated in. NOAA seems neat though, plus their ships have the long underways I find myself weirdly enthralled by. Odd, isn't it? Is it normal to want to go on a boat in the middle of the sea in the modern age? I dunno, but lots of mariners do it. I think I've romanticized life at sea a little too much, but, it just fascinates me. Can I do chemical analyses on a rocking boat? What kind of samples do we get? Can I just bring a sketchbook and literature with me when I'm off watch? So much questions and more. Who knows though, I'm just happy to have made it this far in life, and if I can make it to sea, I'll get to knock out a dream for all the ones I couldn't accomplish. If I manage to get on a boat, maybe I'll journal my experience, even if its monotonous.

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the-lightning-strikes-again · 4 years

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VLD S8 – The Purpose of Lance’s Altean Markings, Allura’s Canonically Inconsistent “Death,” and Voltron’s Mysterious Interstellar Road Trip in the End: Are Things Really As They Seem?

Hello dear ones, I received asks to follow up on my previous post about Allura’s capability to live a very long life if she hadn’t died in s8. I’d mentioned in this post that Alfor had connected Allura’s life force to the indestructible Voltron, and that this had significant implications for Lance’s strange Altean marks and Allura’s “death” in s8. So this is me, attempting to follow up on those requests!

Let’s start with those strange marks. It seems like a lot of us who have watched Voltron: Legendary Defender season 8 scratched our heads over Lance receiving Altean marks at all:

This event happens when Allura and the paladins are standing in the “connected consciousness of all existence”—which is this…Mother-Brain realm for every consciousness that ever existed ever. Allura is preparing to sacrifice herself alongside Honerva, because they both have to give of their energy to regenerate the fallen multiverse. Honerva is already accepting of this and already interacting with her dead family whose minds and forms are preserved within the Mother-Brain space. It seems, even so, Honerva is still alive because she hasn’t yet completed the foretold Wild Sacrifice Move of Ultimate Alchemy alongside Allura:

The Big Boom of Life happens after this point, so there’s something fascinatingly screwy about this realm. The typical separations between the Living and the Death are just…totally meaningless. We’re actively seeing a living Honerva physically interact with the minds and forms of her fallen son and husband. And if this Mother-Brain location truly preserves the consciousness of all existence, then I suppose it actually makes sense to me that Allura and Honerva could still be alive themselves while also being able to interact with the Dead who are preserved within this realm…

But Allura—she turns to the paladins and tells them that they’re all about to experience a massive fragmentation from her. It seems pretty heavily suggested that she’s going to die. In doing so, she kisses Lance and then gives him Altean marks:

And the first question I have is….whyyyy the marks? What the heck was that for? Because I think it’s really weird that she’d just give Lance the most visually identifying mark for her own species. At least, I think it’s weird on the surface. The more important question may lie within Allura’s motives...and that gets into some much larger implications for ways to view those marks and the show’s ending. Some of the theories I’ve seen about those marks:

Theory 1: Lance as Trans-Species to Preserve Allura’s Species and/or Allura Giving Lance Some Unknown Gift/Power

I want to bring this up because it appears to be a largely accepted theory that I’m now heavily questioning. I’m not sure who first vocalized this understanding of canon, but Neko Chicana offers the theory in their Youtube video “Why did Lance get Altean markings!?” The theory is that in Allura’s last-minute panic about dying, she was trying to ensure The Chosen Altean vibes got passed down. This would mean that Allura infused Lance with deep Altean powers to inherently change him from being human into being a trans-species human/Altean.

But I struggle with this interpretation, because…she already had an entire colony of Alteans, many of whom clearly were presenting with high quintessence sensitivity and would have been even potentially fit for Oriande. And it’s not like Lance was going to know how to apply alchemy without learning it anyway.

In terms of the transformation itself, it’s incredibly superficial. It’s a face-lift and that’s it, as Lance never exhibits any other features of a standard Altean. And not just from a visual perspective, but also from a physiological one. He definitely is not shown suddenly freaking out over having alchemy powers. He isn’t shown connecting with anything on the astral plane. I would even posit that he appears to be aging right alongside his fellow humans, given his more adult/less baby-face facial structure in the epilogue, just like everyone else:

This article here seems to contain a similar level of skepticism about a genuinely trans-species Lance.

And what would even be the point of converting Lance to have a token visage of Alteans, if Allura knows that his true heart and soul lies with his human family? Just by Allura’s reaction of disgust to his rounded ears in season 1, it seems pretty obvious that other Alteans would see him as “other.” If anything, a trans-species interpretation overly complicates the show here and generally can’t provide a self-contained, meaningful reason for its existence at all.

Theory Two: The Markings as a Token of a Lost Lover/Remembrances

Another suggestion has been that Allura gives Lance such markings just as…a reminder? Of herself? But I don’t feel this at all makes sense with seven previous seasons of her character behavior.

Allura is shown consistently trying to sacrifice herself and her things at all costs, without anything in return or demanding that people remember her. She did it in season 1 to regenerate a Balmera, knowing full well she could die. But we don’t see her asking Coran to sing a pretty song for her. She sacrifices herself again for Shiro, by tossing him out of the way of Galran soldiers, without even begging that he come back for her. She sacrifices herself in Oriande to the White Lion. She sacrifices her crown in season 7 to stabilize Shiro. She even gives up her dresses and her station as a princess in order to better fit in with the humans in season 7. It’s not inherent in Allura’s character to demand anything in return for her sacrifices, much less that she be remembered for them. As a matter of fact, she’s very particular about ensuring that other people get recognized for their actions, and she’ll often place her own good work as part of a “whole” accomplished by the many. Here’s an example from season 6, episode 1:

So here we see her raising up other people and their contributions rather than demanding some offering or worship for her actions.

Princess Allura doesn’t even hold a grudge for Keith being accepted as Black Paladin or Lance as Red Paladin in s3, despite the fact that she secretly cried over it.

So, Allura wanting anything in return for what she sacrifices, or trying to intentionally drag down someone’s spirit for her own comfort, is not inherent to her character. If anything in s8, Allura consistently seems to want the paladins to move on without her:

In response to the emotional distress of the other paladins, she doesn’t give them an everlasting token to memorialize herself, but instead gives encouragement for the future:

And even Shiro! He warns her that she’s about to become the multiverse’s most anonymous hero:

And Allura’s response to this?

So Princess Allura went into this s8 self-sacrifice, fully expecting that the paladins would keep her actions totally secret. She was completely and utterly prepared to accept the very reality that Lotor had threatened her with in season 6:

So literally the only reason in s8 that anyone remembers Princess Allura…is because the paladins choose to honor her memory despite her stated sentiments against it:

So…all of this is to say, I don’t think it makes sense to assume that suddenly, Allura would want to forever keep Lance from moving on. She’s literally handed them her blessing to move on, and suggested that they even hide what she’s done. It’s the paladins who choose to remember her. So I think there’s a lot of evidence to suggest against an interpretation where Allura was intentionally trying to mark Lance to be her forever-doomed lost love. It’s completely inconsistent with other surrounding details about who Allura is.

I think there’s instead evidence to suggest a new theory about these marks. And if anyone’s suggested this before, please feel free to jump in, lol. I’m like, 1.5 years behind the times here, although I did find this article that also would seem to support the theory:

Theory Three: Lance’s Altean Marks as a Tactical Homing/Location Beacon, Strengthened by His and Allura’s Shared Bonds With Blue Lion

Before she casually walks off to her alleged death, Allura tells Lance, “I’ll always be with you.” And then she gives him the Altean marks:

While I think this “I’ll always be with you” statement has some classic lessen the hurt of impending death vibes, Allura herself actually states she’ll always be with him. How certain are we that she’s not being actually serious? That this isn’t an intentional decision to ensure some kind of ongoing link?

So backing up here, we know from previous seasons that Altean markings can glow, unlike the rest of their body. They appear to glow in response to external stimuli. For example, in season 5, Allura and Lotor’s markings glow because they are within the vicinity of Oriande and have a deep well of quintessence within them. And this glowy activity is discriminatory, because Coran’s marks don’t glow:

Lance’s own markings initially glow when activated by Allura:

So for Lance’s markings to glow at all, that means something is happening. It means that an all-new, external stimulus is making those markings react, and that the magic of it is active. And that Lance is now housing enough magic to react.

That article I linked to earlier suggests that perhaps Allura intended to use the marks as….a communicative link with Lance. However, in a full year since Allura’s disappearance, we see no evidence that Lance has been talking to a mysterious spirit!Allura. He seems pretty depressed, and everyone seems largely accepting of the concept that Allura is dead and also is incapable of interaction.

In which case, if you did have a link to a supposedly dead person, even if you wanted to keep it secret, wouldn’t you at least look a little more…happy? That they’re not actually gone? So something’s a little screwy there too, that makes me think Lance wasn’t in some kind of interdimensional communication with Allura.

But I do think Lance’s markings, and how they glow in response to external power sources in the final episode, suggest something about Allura’s state of being.

So let’s jump in. We know that Allura’s life force is inherently tied to Voltron:

As I’ve mentioned in a previous post of mine: Right in season 1, episode 1, Coran admits that Alfor has done some pretty wild alchemy. He physically connected Allura’s essence with the essence of Voltron—the single source of self-regenerating, infinite quintessence throughout the whole of the entire universe.

I don’t know if a person’s life force being personally connected to Voltron would confer physical immortality, but I do think there’s a lot of evidence to suggest that as long as Voltron exists, Allura’s essence would be preserved within it. And as we saw in season 6, Shiro was capable of interacting with other paladins despite his physical death, because Black Lion had preserved his essence….

All of this backstory and worldbuilding means at the very least that Allura was also capable of linking some part of her quintessence to Lance as well. And that, even if she hypothetically didn’t have a body on the material plane, that she would be very active on the astral one.

So why specifically Altean marks, then?

This isn’t the first time in the show that strangely powerful bonds have been made by the touching of faces and the transfer of energy around Altean marks. As a matter of fact, we might have even seen Alfor actively bind Allura’s life-force with Voltron, right here:

In which case, Allura was simply mimicking the work of her father as she knew it, but on a much smaller scale. Because she knew from her father that it was possible to bond life-forces, and for some reason, that alchemy trick appears to involve the face or else something to do with Altean markings.

So therefore, the activation of this marking “link” and alchemical bond might help to explain why Lance actually appears to be smiling with tears in his eyes when the Voltron lions fly away:

But why even Lance specifically?? What about all the other paladins she’s made connections? What makes Lance so totally special?

It might not be unintentional that, out of all the lions possible, the one to respond to some unknown activator one year later—with massive amounts of quintessence in the bond—is Blue Lion.

Notice that while the other lions are in flight, none of them are glowing like Blue Lion. There’s something inherently special about Blue Lion right now, especially given that it’s not even the leader of the pack.

In this scene, we see the paladins rushing out per all the ruckus. Lance’s markings start to glow:

And then the lions powerfully surge off on their merry, totally unexplained way:

So…in looking back at this, it’s interesting that Lance’s marks are shown glowing in ONLY two instances: 1) When Allura first activates them, and 2) When the marks themselves mysterious activate again in response to Blue Lion glowing outrageously blue, and the lions soaring off into space as well…

Is it a mistake that Lance just so happens to be the only other living Blue Paladin in the universe?

Allura’s life force might have been connected to the full of Voltron, but season 3 shows that her communicative/mental connection to it is through Blue Lion alone. Because Black Lion certainly had nothing to say to her, at the very least.

So Allura’s life force is connected to Voltron…Blue Lion responds to an unknown source of massive, pure quintessence, and then Voltron follows…Lance’s markings start to glow....

Could it be that in order to even re-locate Voltron and the paladins again in the larger scheme of the multiverse, Allura needed Lance’s connection to Blue Lion as well? To keep Allura in spiritual/mental communion with Voltron and with that universe?

With Allura gone and the Atlas portion of Voltron totally missing from Voltron, there’s the hint that possibly the Lion Musical Chairs event has undone itself and reconfigured once more. Blue Lion has re-accepted Lance, with Keith and Shiro piloting Red and Black. The lineup in the screenshot below would suggest that Shiro’s the one in Red this time, resulting in an interesting addition to the Keith and Shiro relationship arc. It suggests that Shiro is now back on the team as an established paladin, as the right hand of the Black Paladin, and is actively supporting Keith’s ongoing growth as a leader:

But if Blue Lion were Allura’s only true connection to “speak” with and interact with Voltron on a material plane, then it would make sense that she would intentionally connect her own life-force to the last Blue Paladin.

Lance, out of all of the paladins and with respect to this lineup shown here, is the only one who would be even remotely capable of ensuring this link in their universe (notwithstanding as well that canonically, Allura was in a romantic relationship with him, which might have something to do with this too, idk).

So what does this mean for Allura’s state of being? What’s exactly happening in this moment? Why do the lions leave their paladins? Is everything truly so pointless and nihilistic?

So Lance’s markings and the exit of the Voltron lions result in what I feel are two interpretations of the entire end of Voltron. And I think one is potentially more consistent with the overall show than the other:

Theory One: Allura Really Died/Shed Her Physical Body/Was Lost to the Material Plane After a Year of Hard Work

So, we do have evidence that the work to restore the full of the multiverse began pretty quickly, and that there was an explosive event to jumpstart it:

We otherwise have no evidence to support that this image meant the work (to restore every thread and all things within the threads) was DONE. Yet. It may have taken an entire year to regenerate the multiverse, which would explain the Voltron lions suddenly reacting strangely after that span of time. If we assume that Allura really died, then this would suggest that—with the overarching multiverses finally totally restored—her energy is spent up. She’s physically dying. And per the extinguishing of her own life force, Voltron….somehow can’t exist on the material plane without her? Because let’s not forget, the whole mecha is connected to her life force. So this interpretation would suggest that in her dying/being unable to remain on the material plane, Voltron itself has to die as well. This could explain why at the end here, they activate to go be with Allura and team in the shiny afterlife party in the Mother-Brain dimension. Lance may be crying here because he feels or recognizes the last of Allura’s energy slipping away. And it’s possible I was misinterpreting his smile earlier, because it’s, idk, maybe a sob.

And there does seem to be some canon support for a potentially permanent break between Allura and the material plane, as well as for why Voltron would leave:

But I’m really struggling to understand the deathy interpretation of these events at the end of s8, from SEVERAL angles, haha.

Strike One:

This scene would appear to blatantly and outrageously contradict previous show worldbuilding. To accept a “death” interpretation, one must also accept that s8 completely rewrites the inherent properties and behavior of quintessence, as well as show details that Alteans/Altean technologies more consistently function as conduits/capacitors of external energy sources rather than as massive batteries by themselves. The true batteries, even into season 7 with Shiro and Atlas, appear to be becoming from sources external to the power-wielder. This reality largely relieves the personal cost of any alchemical action/draining oneself, just so long as you have a powerful enough battery. In which case, given the resources and deep knowledge available to Allura and Honerva even in this apocalyptic moment, any action resulting in physical death feels...unearned.

If you’re interested in more specifically about this, I have a few other posts looking at these basic worldbuilding details:

Question on Quintessence and General Worldbuilding in VLD S8

The Search for the “Bluest Quintessence” and S6 - The Most Unnecessary Conspiracy In VLD?

It’s entirely possible I could be missing some information that would reconcile the s8 worldbuilding contradictions about quintessence and Altean energy back to the previous seven seasons. I suppose it’s possible that this s8 regeneration trick resulted in Allura and Honerva being physically unable to handle the amount of power they were conducting. But just after casually re-watching the show, I heavily question whether this is possible or consistent with everything else, haha.

Strike Two:

The concept of Voltron not being needed in a peaceful universe is nonsensical. So this show is telling me that a gigantic mecha capable of massive construction projects and space anomaly protection services couldn’t reorganize its paladins or get new ones, and transition to a new day job? Because Voltron has to exist in a combat theater only? This is wildly myopic, especially considering that Voltron already has a team of five who could pilot it again via a little game of musical chairs…and even the final lineup shown would suggest that Shiro had already taken over Red. I guess if the Galra aren’t attacking?? This must mean that there won’t be any civilizations in need of help or in need of being protected from imminent natural disasters?? At the very least, a new day job would be an incredibly meaningful way to convert Voltron from a war machine to a champion of the people. And it would still give the paladins a reason to come back together as a team and to exercise the bonds they’ve forged together as defenders of the universe.

Strike Three:

After this s8 scene, and even assuming Allura has physically died, Voltron existed before Allura got linked to it. And it existed as a largely infinite and indestructible source of energy. Even if Allura did die, the loss of her personal quintessence was of no account to its existence. The worldbuilding of Voltron as a mecha suggests it didn’t need her to continue existing on the material plane like it had existed before their alchemical link from Alfor. And even if she’d died, taking Voltron’s life-force with her away from the material plane, then why in the world wouldn’t Voltron just…totally power down? Become completely inert with the lights fading from its eyes? But then, oh wait, according to the last seven seasons, Voltron is supposed to be indestructible and constantly self-regenerating even when temporarily drained, so how could it power down forever? Even the concept that Voltron could physically destroy/remove itself from the material world to fully join Allura on the astral plane is an oxymoron.

And even if Allura’s life force was fading out and the Voltron lions are dying too, how in the world could Lance’s Altean markings suddenly even manage to glow in response to an active and powerful external stimulus? And why would the lions themselves suddenly be lighting up and capable of expending massive amounts of energy on a sudden, random interstellar space trip?

Even if the Lions themselves longed to reunite with its dead creator or its missing piece per their Allurian life-force link (despite them clearly not caring when Alfor died or when Allura got put in stasis 10k years ago), this show would have me believe that Voltron wanted to die or give up? And...for what? To lounge about in an afterlife Cabana for Retired Mechas, sipping quintessence drinks while the universe experiences ongoing natural physical disasters or anomalies that could endanger entire galaxies? What if more trans-reality comets fell from the sky? They appear to not be an isolated incident, and where there’s one, there’s usually more…What if that causes more rifts to open? And let’s just assume for a moment that those two comets are the only two trans-reality comets in the multiverse. I guess we can all sleep tight tonight because Voltron is unconcerned that the universe still has several weak stitches between it and the quintessence field, where dark entities and rift creatures roam? Lol, what?

Lotor even confirms these weaknesses in season 4:

“Zarkon believed Alfor’s plan to blow up Daibazaal and destroy the rift between realities actually worked. No one comprehended that the experiments of my mother, Honerva, could never be undone.”

Lotor’s statement here would suggest that after everything that’s happened, it might be even easier to break open rifts. But okay cool, time for Voltron’s retirement/death, I guess. Just leave a peaceful universe to be one day swallowed up and destroyed by shadow rift creatures, dark entities, apocalyptic comets, and natural disasters…

Everything about the Allura/Voltron death theory doesn’t make sense to me and raises more questions than answers. So let’s look at another way of viewing this ending!

Theory Two: Allura Didn’t Die At All—She Just Finished Working for the Year And Needs a Ride Home

The fact that Voltron survives and is activated into movement by an external source of massive, pure quintessence suggests that Allura is likely NOT dead and is STILL ALIVE. In this case, the astronomical undertaking of regenerating a multiverse still took a full year to complete. We do know there’s no major time slippage between the paladin’s universe and the Universal Consciousness realm, because the paladins were seen right back in the heart of establishing/confirming peace when they returned to their universe. And again, s8 also shows people being able to interact on the border between the Living and the Dead, so Allura simply existing within this realm should not be enough to kill her. Because life and death are largely meaningless concepts in this space where all consciousnesses are preserved.

So, if Allura is alive and just finished her work, then oop, now she’s stuck in the middle of Space Nowhere without a certain ride home. So who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters. Voltron is the only ship that Allura has a deep psychical and life-force link to, so it would be within canonical bounds that if she just helped resurrect the multiverse, then surely one hard-working princess could use Lance’s markings (her own life force) to relocate her own universe, and then use that bond on the material plane to call Voltron from across the universe to come pick her up, lol.

I really like this re-interpretation of canon for several reasons:

One, it feels a lot more consistent with the world-building and the overall tone of the show.

Two, it suggests a much happier ending where canon confirms—sort of like the Iron Giant (1999) ending—that Allura would eventually reunite on the material plane with the paladins.

Three, it suggests that there’s been a full one-year span of time where Allura and Honerva were both working together to restore the universe…while in the presence of and even interacting with Alfor, Zarkon, and Lotor, and probably a billion other dead people they thought were gone forever, but who were preserved in form and mind within the Consciousness of the universe. I feel like there’s just LOADs of possible content someone could get out of this. Did Honerva and Zarkon reunite? Did Alfor get to hug his baby girl again? Did Allura and Lotor have a major heart-to-heart discussion about the Altean colony and his quintessence insanity, and positively reconcile? Which, regardless of however you interpret what Lotor’s accused of, Allura had already…exonerated his motives and turned him into, like, a Joan of Arc figure well before she saw him again. And she even wanted Honerva to honor his memory by doing the right thing:

So there’s some clear signs that Allura and Lotor could have reconciled now that there’s no apparent quintessence insanity or witch shenanigans afoot... And it’s very likely that Allura might have even reconciled with the true, uncorrupted Emperor Zarkon himself:

And in the meantime, what would the paladins of old be like? Were there other victims of this war who would have found it meaningful to interact in some way to obtain justice for themselves…or to obtain something more??

And this gets into reason four of why I like this re-interpretation of the ending. So canonically, mechas created out of the trans-reality comet are infinitely regenerating and indestructible. So not just Voltron, but also the Honervian/Sincline mecha. This suggests that Allura already had a ride home.

So why would Allura need more ships?

This interpretation has the potential to reverse all the painful deaths that happened throughout the show. The original paladins, the Alteans and Galrans who perished for various reasons...Alfor, Bandor, Lotor, Kova…even deaths we didn’t see.

And in calling Voltron back to her, is Allura maybe…planning to bring some new friends with her too? If she already has the Honervian/Sincline mecha to fly home, why does she need all five lions, anyway? Who would pilot them? Who else is waiting patiently in the celestial mind/heart of the multiverse to return to reality with her?

And reason five, on a simpler and maybe less galaxy-brain note, this interpretation provides a completely different context, however apparently sorrowful, for Allura’s canonical goodbyes:

Allura’s path did end here...at least as a paladin of Voltron. Because that position was temporary anyway. Restoring the multiverse was going to be an ultimate act. And there’s probably nothing after this that Allura could perform to outdo herself in saving things, lol. This is the height of everything she is and has worked for. She intentionally identifies this as her purpose:

“It is my purpose.”

Her action in s8 is the full and total culmination of everything she has learned and grown capable of doing since s1. Everything has been leading up to this. It’s her one chance to undo all the universal pain. And through restoring the multiverse, she’d be restoring balance in her own life too—to reconnect with her fragmented past, to give those from her past a chance to live in the new universe with her….

The other paladins, though—they were still needed in the meantime to confirm peace with the Galran empire, to convert it (however questionably) to a democracy, and to establish relations between Earth and other vast galaxies of people. Allura was not wrong that their paths as paladins had not ended. Because she needed them to ensure their universe would be truly at peace while she was up in the stars, working to restore and reconcile with all that had been lost in painful war.

And all of this would ultimately suggest that she would return to the universe, to the paladins, and probably take back the piece of her life force she’d given Lance that ensured a link with Blue Lion. Because…that homing beacon wouldn’t be needed anymore. Perhaps Allura would even consider decoupling the remainder of her life-force from Voltron, to fully reconcile herself to herself. To finally be whole and just Allura again, idk.

The only major problem with the “Allura is Alive and Bringing Some Friends/Family Home” interpretation is that...lol, the development team for the show doesn’t subscribe to it, at least not in any outward way I’ve heard. Based on their March 28, 2019 interview with Let’s Voltron, the executive producers talk about Allura like she’s dead. They say that they wanted to show sacrifice, the impact of death, and how important it is to honor the memory of the dead:

And we definitely feel it. There is a massive weight of loss and memorial in the finale here. Coran looks just this side of totally broken as he remembers Allura, and he didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. He reiterates just how much Allura means to the people still alive in this universe:

“For some of us she was a diplomat, a teacher, a leader, and a friend. But to those of us around this table, she will always be family.”

The EPs have suggested that, like other shows, there may be ways to resurrect Allura, and there may have been happier endings possible. But again, please see the Theory 1 statements above regarding the massive worldbuilding contradictions when assuming that Allura had to die in the first place.

In which case, hilariously, the EPs have also expressed their interest in creative works that keep going, with plot tensions that require even supposedly dead heroes to return, as in this article here:

“You can kill Captain America a million times and he’ll always show back up.”

So creator statements are just all over the place regarding the finality of “death” or even of “separation” in this universe. We definitely don’t get a body to prove that Allura is dead. And we also know that canonically, there is a place where the rift between the Dead and Living breaks down. And oh, by the way, Allura just regenerated entire multiverse strands that had been destroyed. So even if it’s not as simple as…holding someone’s hand as they step out of the consciousness realm, what canonical detail or limitation would keep her from resurrecting them herself? It is well within Allura’s canonical range to bring back all of these people without dying herself.

Conclusion

Regardless of creator intention, the various contradictions in the worldbuilding itself make the angst of Allura’s death, the memorial statue, the lingering pain of the characters (oof, poor Coran and Lance especially), and all the interviews talking about Allura’s death feel excessively unnecessary. And at the same time, I’ve been very fascinated by what one can do with the details about the Consciousness Realm; the inherent properties of comet-based mechas, quintessence, and alchemy; Lance’s strange marks; and even the odd, last-minute Voltron interstellar space trip surging toward the Allura in the stars, with Blue Lion in the lead:

It appears that Allura could be very much alive in the final screenshot of her in the stars. Through Lance and their shared connection via Blue Lion, she’s maintained a homing beacon for her own reality, activated Voltron to complete a massive interstellar trip to come get her and likely several others—and now, she’s faithfully waiting in the Consciousness Realm with everyone, preparing for a family trip back to their resurrected worlds, in their trusty mechas.

I watched s8 on the day it dropped. I was in a daze about all of its wild and painful messaging. I wrote some unhappy metas about the sheer nihilism of this show. It’s taken me, lol, 1.5 years to actually go back and re-watch several episodes at a time. And I don’t believe this interpretation of the ending would fix every problem in Voltron: Legendary Defender. Sometimes, trying to make sense of this show feels like trying to reconcile quantum theory with classical mechanics, haha. So I’m sure one could poke holes in this post. And to even arrive at these conclusions, I had to throw out or reinterpret some of the worldbuilding and scenes, in direct conflict with the stated perspective of the show’s development team.

But even so...I derived most everything for this interpretation from the show itself. And even if the development team didn’t intend this happy ending of resurrections and reconciliations as I’ve suggested…it seems that this finale—at least while I’m thinking about it right now—is canonically possible and an attempt at consistency with the material provided across multiple seasons. It offers resurrections, redemptions, reconciliations...

Its ultimate message even genuinely coincides with the last episode’s title.

The End Is the Beginning.

And I really like that.

#Voltron #VLD #VLD s8 #Allura #Honerva #Lance #Lotor #Shiro #Hunk #Pidge #Keith #Alfor #Zarkon #Allura's not dead at all?#Lotor and others get resurrected and redeemed?#Shiro as the red paladin?#Allura and the paladins reunite?#voltron lion and sincline family space trip?#the lions are planning to return with the multitudes?#unlimited romance potential?#happy endings and redemptions?#lion musical chairs #this is my attempt to make sense of s8 with respect to previous season worldbuilding #it brought me a sense of peace with s8 and with the show's general potential given the ending we received #even if the development team rejects this ending it feels A LOT more consistent with the show's overall worldbuilding #and with the show's messages for hope down to the smaller quirky details like Lance's Altean markings #I cannot get over Allura returning with her friends and family to reunite the past with a better future #and to reunite her own missing pieces back to herself #this idea made my heart light and I hope this post helps lighten your heart too

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neerasrealm · 4 years

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SPEAKING OF LAUGHING JACK FLUFF- whenever you're not busy writing something else, can I get some LJ fluff? I'll accept anything I just need m o r e, sick day fluff, general fluff or s/o, comfort fluff, crack fluff,,,anything just LJ fluff ily and I need to keep loving my man

I had some trouble coming up with ideas for this ngl but then my brain went "how would LJ react to a human asking him out on a date?" And I went with that 😌 hope you like it. It's- actually not that fluffy when I read back over it but....still got a lotta goofy clowning so, I think it counts!

You’re obsessed with him.

You see him every few days, down the local park when you’re out taking a walk. He’s always in the same spot. The children’s playground, surrounded by smiling kids while he gives out candy and balloons and does tricks for them. It’s impressive, honestly, how he’s able to do everything he does. He holds the kid’s attention perfectly, he always seems to have what they ask for just- hiding in his puffy sleeves, he plays the accordion and sings in an angelic voice, creates amazing balloon animals and juggles- oh god the juggling, it’s unreal how much stuff he can juggle at once. Not to mention how flexible he is. You’ve seen him do all sorts of tricks like cartwheels, somersaults, flips and god knows what else. And he has the biggest, brightest smile you’ve ever seen. When he smiles it lights up his whole face and spreads to everyone around him, not to mention his laugh! He’s the funniest guy you’ve ever met, and when he laughs it seems to make everyone around him feel better.

His name is Jack, and you’re hoping to catch him again this evening. He usually leaves just as it’s beginning to get dark, so he’ll probably have more time to speak with you once the kids are gone. There’s so much you want to ask him- he’s fascinatingly weird. You’ve begun to think of him as some kind of supernatural being rather than a cute street performer. You laugh a bit at the thought.

As you approach the playground you glance around. Finally, you spot him. Wispy black hair, feathered shoulder pads, and striped socks. Jack certainly knows how to make himself stand out, as if his height wasn’t already enough. He doesn’t even need bright colours to stand out- in fact he avoids them and wears only blacks, whites and greys. Another thing to make him look weird. Maybe even a little monstrous.

Jogging over to the playground’s entrance, you lean ever-so-casually against the gate and wait until he walks out, past you. You watch him for a moment, admiring the way his hair bounces as he cheerfully strides along. You lean off the gate and walk after him. ‘’Hey, Jack!’’ you call out casually. He stops and looks over his shoulder, blinking at you. Then he smiles wide.

‘’Oh! ‘Ey there!’’ he turns around and waves slightly as you walk up. You can’t help but smile gently. He has such sweet, innocent eyes. They’re a bright blue colour, and always full of emotion. ‘’y/n, innit?’’

You laugh gently. Oh yeah, he’s british. Very british. The thickest accent you’ve ever heard. ‘’Hey.’’ you greet. ‘’Heading home?’’

‘’Yup.’’ he tilts his head at you, his hands on his hips. ‘’Wha’re you up ta?’’

‘’Oh, uh-’’ you panic for a moment. ‘’I was heading home too! Heh- mind if I walk with you?’’ you ask quickly. He smiles.

‘’Course ya can.’’ he turns around and gestures for you to follow. Perfect! So far so good. You stuff your hands into your pockets trying to be casual, and stroll along beside him. He looks down at you and smiles.

‘’How was the day?’’ you ask. ‘’Business good?’’

‘’Ah yeh,’’ he runs a hand through his wispy black hair. Everything about him is fascinating. His outfit, his makeup, his entire persona. ‘’I wuz doin’ candy ‘n tricks t’day. Thos’re some’ve my fav’rites.’’

‘’Oh yeah?’’ you tilt your head at him. ‘’You’re pretty good at your circus tricks. Where’d you learn em?’’

‘’Oh! Uh- jus’ picked em up hones’ly. Lotsa practice over th’ years.’’

You smile. ‘’Huh.’’ he always seems to...dodge questions. ‘’So- where’d you grow up?’’

‘’London.’’

Alright that’s the answer you expected. Next question. ‘’So is this performing thing your fulltime job?’’

‘’Yep!’’ he seems to become excited. ‘’Makin’ kiddos ‘appy is wha’ I wuz made fer!’’ he laughs, a raspy joyful noise that makes your heart flutter. "Me mum always said I wuz like a daffadown dilly, hah! So 'f course I became a clown, heheh."

You have no idea what that means but you laugh with him. "Your mom said you should be a clown?"

"Yup!"

"Yeah mine too, but only when she was mad at me." You grin at him. He breaks into a wide grin and then wheezes loudly in amusement. Perfect, you made him laugh! He snickers and looks at you again. God he's adorable when he laughs. Which is good, because he does it a lot. "So- how'd you come up with the costume?"

"Oh! Er- jussa lo'a mixin' an' matchin'. I already 'ad black 'air an' a lo'a striped fings so I er- jus tossed i' all together." He seems to become fidgety at the question. Odd. He coughs. "So wha' abou' you?"

"Me?"

"Yeh," he nods and smiles at you. "No' often some'ne who isn' a parent asks me abou' me act. I've seen ye a few times b'fore, so ye seem ta like me." He smiles at you. Shit. He has you completely figured out, doesn't he? Well...alright then. You take a deep breath before responding.

"I...find you interesting." You finally answer. He cocks a brow at you. "British guy who performs for kids and does tricks in a big heavy costume- who wouldn't be interested in learning more about him?"

He laughs gently. "Ye like me fer me accen'?"

"It's a bonus." You give him a sly smile. He laughs again and glances down. "So...what do you do on your off days, Laughing Jack?" He seems surprised at being called his stage name.

"Oh! Er- …'uman fings." He responds nervously. You snort, then crack up laughing. He laughs along with you, still sounding nervous. You had no idea he'd be so easy to fluster!

"Alright then...how about next time you're doing human things, I come along with you?"

"Eh?" He seems surprised and confused.

"Y'know- we could...get coffee or something…?"

He blinks, then his eyes widen. His mouth opens as he suddenly realises that he's being flirted with. "Oh- oh! Er- uh-" he blushes a light pink beneath his makeup. "Ye'd wanna...g-go ou' wiv me…?" He sounds like he can't quite believe what you just asked him. You nod. His blush deepens, and his shoulders arch up, burying his face in feathers. You laugh at his embarrassment. "A-ah...I see." He gulps and peaks out at you from beneath feathers. God he's adorable.

"Doesn't have to be coffee, if you're not into that."

"Nah, nah! I like coffee." He coughs, clearing his throat. He suddenly stops walking and looks at you. "Can I er-" he seems completely out of his depth here. You absently wonder if he's ever been flirted with before. "Can I getcher number?"

Score! This is exactly what you'd been hoping for! You reach into your pocket and pull out a small slip of paper you prepared earlier. You wrote your phone number on it earlier in hopes that he'd ask for it.

"Here you go." You say with a smile. He quickly steps forward and takes it, looking down at the small scrap of paper like it's the most important thing in the world. He slips it into the pocket of his shorts and nods at you, still looking surprised and worried. He forces a smile.

"Righ' then." He finally says. "I'll er- I'll text ya la'er an' we can arrange ta ge' sum coffee." His smile is flustered and his eyes are shining with excitement. You nod.

"Sounds good." You step back away from him and give him a small wave. "I'll see you soon, Jack."

"S-See ya!" He calls after you. You walk a little bit away until you're out of sight, then double back from behind the cover of trees. Just as you'd hoped, he's still right where you left him, staring in the direction you just went. Even from your hiding spot you can see his blushing face and wide excited smile. He suddenly jumps on the spot and looks around excitedly. He buries his face in his hands, crouching down slightly. You frown. Is he- shaking?

Jack suddenly explodes back up into the air, his arms stretching out more than they realistically should. He lets out the loudest cry of excitement you've ever heard and bounces on the spot, giggling to himself like a schoolgirl. You grin in amusement and watch him cartwheel over toward the forest, still making loud noises of excitement and joy. He spins and flips, then disappears into the trees. You snort.

He's...so weird. And somehow it just makes him more loveable.

#ask #anon #anonymous #request #writing request #laughing jack #laughing jack x reader #creepypasta #creepypasta x reader #writing #creepypasta fanfic #creepypasta fanfiction

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girlfriendsofthegalaxy · 2 years

Text

tuesday again 3/7/2023

soooooo there's another classic Dad Movie character ive adopted bc ive decided he's bisexual

listening

Black Hole Baby by Superorganism. i would put a marker down and say this is the sound of the summer but this came out last summer :/ the very flat (slightly chiptune?) delivery of the lyrics combined with the hyper bouncy...squelchy??? lasers? is extremely fun. this song is neither creepy nor wet but it is viscous bc u are on a spaceship partying as a black hole is Getting You

listen. anything that starts off with subway chimes and the following lyrics is going to be good. these are good song choices in my mind.

I've been eating fruit I've been sleeping well when I can

the bridge in the middle with bits and pieces of radio hosts shouting them out-- i could take it or leave it. i do like how this band namedrops themselves constantly. it's like an oil painting at an estate sale with a huge legible signature at the bottom.

youtube

reading

i have read about three-quarters of raymond chandler's oeuvre (hardboiled detective/film noir author and screenwriter of note) this week. i cannot in good faith recommend these books because they contain some of the worst excesses of their time, which is good bc this is not a review series.

sometimes, i'm watching or reading something and i decide it would be a good tuesdaypost candidate. i hate the term consume but it's the quickest descriptor here, so bear with me. if i am consuming a work based on the recommendation of a friend, it changes how i consume the work-- i'm on the lookout for the elements they used in their pitch. if i'm consuming a work to write an article or paper (rare these days) i'm stopping halfway through to take notes, i'm rewinding to catch details, i'm delving into interviews, i often fully rewatch or reread. if i'm liveblogging something i am mostly on the lookout for humorous and/or gay bits. if in the middle of something i catch myself thinking "ooh this would be good to talk about for the tuesdaypost" that introduces another like, film or lit crit level to the rest of my time with the work. it's very difficult to turn that part of my brain off.

when i am reading things just for me, none of that is there. i am fully immersed, my disbelief is suspended. i am not thinking about anything else but the story that is being told to me. ive spent a great deal of time with these books this week and it feels weird not to talk about them, but they are something i really enjoyed that was just for me.

i honestly don't know how to unpack my enjoyment of works that (at times) reflect the quite extreme racism of their author-- the one that grabbed me the most, Farewell My Lovely, contained some of the most callous and exceptionally cruel shit i've ever read. it also contained some of the most fascinatingly complex inner workings of an extremely closeted bisexual guy with ptsd i've ever read. i don't know how to talk about these books in an interesting or balanced way.

even if i did know how to unpack these things, the brief and light weekly roundup post on goddamn tumblr dot com (home to no nuance whatsoever) would not be the venue. this is an anti-review, in a way.

watching

a fuck of a lot actually bc i'm really trying to crank out this baby blanket and podcasts aren't really doing it. same username on letterboxd if u want to see early drafts of this tuesdaypost section.

i watched many films that came on two vhs tapes when i was little, bc charlton heston was one of my mom's favorite actors. i did not see spartacus when i was little but i did see the entirety of ben hur AND the ten commandments before i was eight. i can't make that make sense either.

anyway i have a soft spot for epics but only when i am actively doing things with my hands. this one has a more interesting making-of story than the actual movie, imo. this one also had oddly christian overtones, for being set in a time where christ and christianity did not yet exist. like many critics of the time, i have no strong feelings about mr douglas' acting. i really, really liked the soundtrack-- a delight to hear the love theme in context after hearing it in a thousand different soundtrack theme compilations!

playing

nothing that wasn't a phone game i've already talked about

making

five and a half repeats!!! i am aiming for ten repeats plus some sort of i-cord border so this is roughly halfwayish

i took this in broad daylight after a meeting like "if i knit more tonight i'll take another photo" and then i didn't knit any more tonight i read a bad western and halfheartedly liveblogged it

#what the fuck IS IT about march/april that makes me go bonkers in yonkers #tuesday again #tuesday again no problem

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rubyvroom · 4 years

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HalloweenFest 2020 begins!

***spoilers abound***

Bloodsucking Bastards - we got about 10 minutes into this and noped out because I hated every single character. Dysfunctional office full of bros is a creative location for a horror film, but too close to my actual life to be entertaining. Sorry Pedro Pascal, I could not hang on long enough for you to show up.

Apollo 18 - very faithfully follows the found footage formula, just on the moon. Still, the idea of the alien creatures was pretty fun, and the footage was done rather well.

Phantasm - movies in this era are very hit and miss for me. Surprisingly, I loved this. Don’t get me wrong, it was definitely budgeted with the 75 cents someone dug out of their couch and it doesn’t do things like “have continuity” or “make sense” except for the way all the sequels worked very hard to make it so, but I’m planning to stop at just this one so it can exist as this weird nightmare artifact in my brain. No lore needed. Just flying surgical balls and short zombies and cool images and dream logic.

Scarecrows - I did not enjoy this whatsoever, which makes Mr. X sad. I can’t even say why I loved Ready or Not and hated this, when they are at least equally gruesome. Something about tone and cruelty and having at least one human being worth rooting for. The setup and the scarecrow idea were inventive though?

I'm Thinking About Ending Things - this was for Mr. X the equivalent of how Scarecrows was for me. He liked it, but the parts that were meant to be painful were really, really making him suffer. Whereas I was like : this is AWFUL i LOVE it the whole time. Toni Collette is as usual the MVP. It is a very frustrating movie. It will live in my head rent-free for weeks.

Cabin In The Woods - Ive finally seen it. The internet ruined all the good jokes. And my tolerance for stock Whedon characters is a LOT lower than it once was. But the concept is still good and its very entertainingly executed. Not scary, but some good thoughts about sacrifice and horror (I mean, the ancient ones are us, right?)

The Haunting of Bly Manor - This was 0% scary but very enjoyable anyway as a gothic romance in the very traditional sense that the characters are all terrible or ghosts or terrible ghosts or else in love with ghosts or in love with people possessed by terrible ghosts and basically everyone is cockblocked to eternity but they are very pretty doing it. They dropped a couple story threads at the end in a way that made me insane and Mike Flanagan has yet to really stick a landing but overall great October vibes. Made me want to stare out over a moor in a white nightgown, grade A.

The Wailing - This was a very good, very scary Korean movie. I feel like I am missing some major cultural context to really understand it. There is something fascinatingly unsettling about the rhythm of Korean movies which is clearly not remotely based on the structure of American movies, and in a horror film that’s tremendously effective for a western viewer even if it’s harder to make sense of the plot. Also the actress who played the little girl was fantastically unnerving.

Mandy - We watched the first 10 minutes of Mandy before concluding this deserves better than the shitty download we were watching. It was too small on our screen and too dark, and the visuals on this demand to be watched properly. I’m ordering this DVD and we’ll watch it soon.

Seoul Station -- Animated prequel to Train to Busan (which we enjoyed very much). It’s very well animated and the action is terrific. Probably the best pure-horror animated film I’ve seen yet. Creepy and tense. Has some very pointed social commentary. The ending left a bad taste (I didn’t think the bed scene was necessary, it was gratuitous) but overall very good.

Near Dark -- 80′s movie about vampires that came out the same year as Lost Boys and was largely overshadowed despite being much better. Less fun, but better. It swings wildly between “being a vampire is no fun -- oh no wait it totally is!!! -- oh no wait it’s very much not” in the bloodiest way possible. Bill Paxton at his Bill Paxtonest, Lance Hendrick being the coolest, Adrian Pasdar being very very young and everybody looking great in a cowboy vampire nightmare that I can’t believe I never watched until now.

Hush - This one was a little frustrating because I’m not real into home invasion movies and it was a little inconsistent in the main character’s awareness as a deaf woman but I’ll admit, I really hated that smug red-pill-looking killer and it was satisfying as hell to see him get his in the end.

MANDY - We probably didn’t need another woman in a refrigerator movie, but if we were going to throw out all of the other “man goes on a crazy rampage to avenge his girlfriend” movies and keep just one of them, we should keep this one. It was pretty rad. (Which is to say it is my favorite of the 2020 batch of Halloween movies, damn if I could tell you why though)

#going to pin this #so I can keep adding things #every year I allow Mr. X to select any horror films he wants and I will watch it #for the whole month of October #he would watch horror every day of the year but I have a limited appetite

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maladaptive-ninja-returns · 5 years

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Infinity War (5)

CHAPTER 5: RAGE

Loki & The Avengers

Summary: A work inspired by @queencfthestarsdrfoster ‘s post of the universe where Loki is alive and Thor is avenged.

Series: Will contain all- and more- that we saw in Infinity War. Will not contain smut and fluff for obvious reasons. Might contain weird humor though.

Chapter content: Something I wish I could’ve done to them through the screen

Warnings: …blood. Icky. gooey, blood. Magic.

Word count: So my workplace shifted again. It’s...okay. Yeah, that’s it. Just okay. I mean partially it’s on me for not taking breaks and just keeping myself busy because I just cannot sit free, man. I can’t. And then by the time it’s 4pm I am exhausted as fuck and have to just keep it together till I can find my way out. Why am I like this? But I have to say, it kinda lifted my mood when I thought about my new radiant friend.

MASTERLIST & Taglist in bio, my love

Ebony Maw doesn't believe in violence of the mind. He does not believe one needs to boil one's insides just because some petty creatures with no real destiny in this universe have made a feeble decision of taking what is rightfully his master's.

Their death would be a small price to pay for the delay they have caused in me helping the Titan fulfil his destiny.

The periodic bloop on his ship's radar brings him to a rough terrain that is being tormented by the fresh blanket of snow piling over it. The winds are showing no mercy as they hit the transparent shield of his ship, illuminating the collision spots with a hue of gold and blue. How fascinatingly dull, this planet Earth, Maw coos to himself before landing his ship and walking towards the entrance.

Much to his surprise, he does feel a shiver through his adequately armoured body as the raging winds seem to be coming at him with impure intentions. And so, a tsk under his breath is followed by modestly twisting his hand to create an air barrier around him, keeping those vicious microscopic ice shards away.

The crunch of fresh cold powder under his feet is somehow welcoming to the symphony of havoc he plans on bringing to the ones who slipped through his hands. To the ones who do not have pure intentions for the infinity stone in their grasp.

There is a ripple he feels from somewhere behind him, tilting on one limb and taking a gentle swerve as an icicle misses him by centimetres. No time is wasted to pull that very icicle from the air and turn it around to throw it in the direction it originated from. And while that icicle travels back, snow is raised from the ground to be compressed into more. Those stubborn steps do not retreat as icicles find their target, only coming to a halt when those piercing eyes see for themselves Loki's figure lying in the snow, struggling to breathe.

Those piercing elements of snow have found all the vital points over the God's body, not surprising the Child of Thanos.

"You are supposed to be dead Asgardian," Ebony declares with a soothing yet eerie tone, his stature never faltering even as he looks down at the body writhing in pain, "you should stick to being dead."

Green eyes drowning in pain look up at him; same eyes he had once drained all hope out of. Such powerful techniques of purification were wasted on such frivolous being that day.

"But..." Loki struggles with the pain surfacing on his face, "b-but I'm not the one who's-"

It takes just one slight shift of Maw's posture. Just a single tilt towards Loki to hear what the dying alien has to say. And just as he does, a streak of blazing fire takes the master of torture with him, leaving Loki to complete his sentence, "-dead," before disappearing with hues of gold and green.

The snow feels harder on the skin than it looks, almost making Maw grunt. He thinks he misses the punch from the man clad in iron he thought he had left behind, but the hit to his skull sends a blaring pain, unbalancing him for a few seconds.

"Told you earth was closed, you dipshit!" Tony's voice resonates through the suit.

Maw feels the rising bitterness grind between his teeth before he slides away from another punch and sends ice shards towards Tony followed by a rumble under his feet.

"What the- is he trying to bring an earthquake?" Tony rises in the air to dodge the attacks coming his way.

The claws which are targeting the ground seem to be the epicentre of the rumble- focused on ripping the rocks lying somewhere under that blanket of pure white- feel themselves being wrapped by a stringed glow that yanks those arms, disrupting whatever power Maw possesses to move the elements around him.

"You really should get a hobby."

Maw knows that voice too well.

The magician.

When the supreme torturer tries to wrap the enchanted magic strings around his arms to pull Strange towards him, the latter moves his hands to convert those strings into handcuffs, freeing himself to create three more elemental circles and call forward blasts of pure energy aiming at his could-be tormentor.

Ebony dives away, calling forward more shards to break him free of those cuffs, taking the first chance his hands get to call up the already cracked rocks to target the sorcerer.

The first one is missed. The second is dodged. The third is barely tackled by his magic. The fourth one gets him. So does every other boulder that comes flying his way.

Strange is surrounded with boulders from every side, all of them aiming to crush him where he stands. While he is trying to protect himself- and the fate of the universe wrapped around his neck- he doesn't notice the slithering pieces around him, too wrapped up in fear as the rocks finally close in on him with a thunderous rumble breaking the air on their collision.

"Strange!"

No one knows where that cry comes from as clouds of dirt and smoke hide the point of impact; the crime scene.

Ebony Maw does not move a muscle from where he stands, his hands clasped on to each other with a watchful look, satisfied with himself.

"You critters should have given up these futile attempts when you had the chance."

His voice has a chill that echoes through the mountains. Even the wind seems to fall silent.

"You picked the wrong people for that intention, Voldey."

If Maw had brows he would have raised them when he turns around to look at a faint glow- a few feet above the ground- rise further. It's only when the clouds of unrest begin to lower the haze does the shadow of something fluttering around that figure comes to light.

How did he-

Every scenario is running through his mind to figure out how that magician escaped, cracking the glass walls of restraint inside him. The smokiness in the air takes its sweet time to reveal the shadow of the figure, the chest lit up in a warm blue glow while the arms rise from either side to mirror that very glow in Maw's direction.

"Light's out, you son of a bitch," Stark announces, already witnessing heaps of ice shards rising from the ground. The cloak of levitation readies itself to protect Stark while a grunt rises from Maw's throat as he changes the direction of the shards to point at Tony. Pulling himself back to gather as much potential, Ebony Maw is about to push them towards the man when piercing noise followed by something sharp jabs him like a thousand needles in the back.

"Now!" Tony shouts at the top of his lungs.

Within seconds a streak of green comes running on the snow- melting it where it touches the cold, cracking the ice till it reaches Maw to surround him in a circle marked with a Nordic enchantment.

Before those beady eyes can make sense of this intricate entrapment surrounding him, the cluster of boulders meant to kill Strange break with a crackling sound to reveal the Sorcerer Supreme clad in the Iron Man suit, his hands ready with burning rings that are fired at the tormentor, cuffing him while merging with the Nordic circle of magic, trapping his limbs.

It is unreal; the scream that leaves Maw's throat. The menacing cry is not for the pain but the pride that has been marred by humans and the God that is on one knee, keeping his magic strong and his eyes on the one who tried to take his light away not too long ago.

"YOU WILL ALL DIE! YOU WILL DIE THE DEATHS OF ROTTEN SWINE CRAWLING WITH MAGGOTS ALL OVER YOU! YOU WILL ALL WHINE BENEATH MY FEET!"

Stark and Strange walk towards the creature who roars while on his knees, their armours being exchanged without a word, looking at the dull alien yanking at the illuminated golden and green chains holding him down.

"Oh you coward," Maw hisses at Strange before turning to Stark, "using a shrewd God to capture me? Do you not know the likes of him? His silver tongue has a purpose. A purpose to fulfil his means. Once he is done you lot he will throw you to the black holes and move on to someone more powerful. He only fends for himself. I know because I have been inside his brain. His darkness eats him alive and soon it will eat you all!"

A huff of air leaves Tony's lungs when he shares a look with Strange. Their lungs slowly come back to ease. Their shaking hearts have found solid ground. Their doubtful eyes now look in the direction of the figure walking towards them, its hands illuminating green with an increasing density.

"They see through you, Asgardian!"

All the rage collected on Ebony Maw's forehead wants to launch at the God walking in his direction in any way it can find. But that rage seems to come to a standstill when it sees the figure emerge from behind the fog; concentrating on those lines running up and down the blue skin that is too flawless to belong to a mere animal. The rage resting on Maw's forehead starts taking a few steps back when it locks its beady eyes with the red that sears through his very soul.

"You're wrong, Maw-" Loki comes to stand right outside the glowing circle keeping his punisher captive- "they do not see through me."

A flick of Loki's wrist and the chains are pulled into the ground, making a reluctant Maw bow down to get them back up.

"They cannot see anything."

Maw tries to but he cannot break his gaze from those eyes carrying the colour of blood as they're looking down on him with unspeakable emotions; seemingly blank stare ripping his insides with every drop of volcanic heat leaving them.

"You did not leave much for them to see last time, did you?"

The icy chill from Loki's hand as it wraps around his throat to make him stand and face him with the roles reversed sends poisonous shivers through his existence.

"Don't worry-" Loki whispers too close to him; close enough to make sure he can be the first one in this universe to smell Maw's fear but not close enough for Maw to get his teeth in him. His free hand conjures a four edged dagger glistening with the glow from the snow. "-unlike you, I won't make you wish for death."

The strike is smooth. The blade goes inside his abdomen in one go, puncturing his vital organs with that very strike. Maw does not even feel it; something that brings a smile on Loki's face. "I will make you live death."

The blade comes out, bringing with it the spoils. Black insides slowly spill. This is the first time Maw feels something tickle his abdomen. The itch increases into an unbearable agony and he is trying to clutch to the wound to make that burn stop.

And the blood does stop. The wound heals back, leaving a blue bruise-like stain on that grey skin. The heavy breaths of relief slowly turn into wheezing. The eyes filled with three-seconds of reprieve go wide in horror. The murky, black blood-stained hands turn into claws to rip apart the very skin that healed a few moments ago as the throat breaks into an agonising shriek.

The poison on the dagger has done its job well. It coagulates the blood and regenerates the tissue to seemingly heal the wound but burns the coagulated blood and new fabrication of the tissue to the point that the animal would rather tear its skin apart than have that thing inside it for one more second. And when the freshly healed wound is exposed to the nitrogen in the air, it catalysis the poison to spread further into the body, making that animal a writhing howling mess on the ground.

Ebony Maw experiences the same fate. The shrill screams breaking the air come out for a few more seconds before he has gnawed himself inside out. All that is left of this child of Thanos is the goo its desecrated body lies in.

It does not take a genius to figure out how much thought Loki has put into Maw's extermination; something that makes Stark wonder what had Squidward done to Loki to call for such a gory end.

"Great," Strange snaps Tony out of his thoughts, scrunching his nose at the remains of the grey villain, "one down. How many more?"

"We took down the strategist," Loki announces, sending his dagger back to his pocket dimension, "it should be easy to take down the rest of the...children."

"Great," Tony mentions with a slight groan, "Alexander is dead. Loki's actually a-" he gestures at the Frost Giant, looking him up and down- "a teen girl's dream smurf and I just got a call from Banner telling me Cap met another of these deranged kids.” He groans. “Exactly how I was planning the day to go."

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omyeol · 5 years

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defining colors - i | bbh

word counts: 4,100++

genre: angst, fluff

<< story masterlist >>

Red.

Red was a fascinating color. Usually, it was used to describe boldness or passion. Red never failed to stand out brightly among the other colors. Wear something red, and you would be noticed. A red dress was mostly seen as something alluring and passionate and red lips was the scene-stealer. Red on the lips was never failed to make someone lose their focus temporarily. Wear red lipstick and someone’s eyes would trail down from your eyes to your lips as you talked, watching the way your lips fascinatingly.

Red was something you liked to associate with passion. Red was that one color that you always used very carefully, not wanting to lose its meaning to you by using it often.

But for once, red didn’t ooze off its correct meaning to you. The red that stained your fingers and on your hand towel caused shivers to run down your spine. It was the blood red, meaning weakness. A lump formed in your throat at the realization, your shaky hands punctuating your own weakness. Your gaze couldn’t be torn away from the blood red on your hand towel, a small part inside of you already trying to point a finger to find whose fault it was this time.

It’s you. It’s your own fault this time, that small part inside of you told yourself.

“My God.” Someone sounded exasperated enough it caught your attention. Blinking your eyes to pull yourself out from your overworked brain, you looked up and realized that it was your own friend who sounded exasperated. The frown and the turned-down lips were signs that she was irritated by the sight of blood on your hands.

You watched with curiosity brewing inside as she moved towards you, grabbing a hold of your hand—the one with a hand towel on it—and pressing the towel onto your nose. That was when you fully realized that you were having a nosebleed. Relief rushed through you at the late realization.

“Stay there.”

You stayed where you sat, leaning on the back of the chair leisurely and waited until your friend came back from the kitchen with an ice pack for you. You had a perfect view of the Han river, you realized. The couch was facing the floor-to-ceiling window and it was the exact time for the sunset. Enjoying this perfect view with a can of cold beer would be perfect.

A hand was tugging at your wrist and an ice pack was put on your nose pulled you from the trance. Gazing up, it was Sooyoung who pulled your hand back and put the ice pack on your nose. Flashing her a small, grateful smile, she sighed and sat on the far end of the couch.

“Thank you, Sooyoung,” you spoke as you kept the ice pack on your nose and examined the hand towel on your other hand. “I actually thought I messed up my hand, you know? Thank God it’s just a nosebleed.” Realizing the mood in the room had slightly gone down a little bit, you tried to let out a short laugh—even though it ended up sounding like you were strangled.

“Yeah, it’s just a nosebleed, you know? It’s only your nose, right? It’s not like you need to breathe or something.” Turning your gaze away from the scenic view to your friend, you realized that Sooyoung looked like she had a lot to say. “You do realize you’re driving yourself to an early death, don’t you?”

You sighed. You should have seen this coming, honestly. Every time you met up with Sooyoung these days, she would mention how you’re driving yourself to an early death. You knew. Gosh, you knew it yourself.

“That’s the second time this month,” you mentioned with a sigh, annoyed because it felt like your nose was clogged or something. The cold, numbing feeling on your nose also made you feel weird.

“I’m just saying, you know.” You leaned your head back at the back of the couch. “I’m the one going to the nerd school but you’re the one driving to an early death. It’s supposed to be the other way.” Grimacing at the words she said, you tried to control the bubbling annoyance within you. The nerd school. Right.

“Old habits die hard, I guess.” The words came out weak as if you had lost any battle within yourself that kept going on for so long. You knew it was not finished, though, but sometimes you felt like it was and you ended up questioning the things you did all this time.

Sooyoung didn’t say anything else, but you still could feel her eyes on you, watching your face and trying to figure out what you’re thinking. It should’ve made you squirm. It would make someone else squirm, you knew that but it was Sooyoung and you had known her for so long that her antics didn’t even surprise you anymore.

The same couldn’t be said for her, though. The memory of you and Sooyoung sitting in one of the private rooms in a high-end restaurant last year flashed in your mind. Sooyoung was already quite tipsy when she told you how even after all this time, she could never really figure you out. Your stomach twisted painfully at the memory.

“Are you meeting anyone after this or going straight home?” She asked, finally tearing her gaze away from you. At her question, you became conscious over the unread text that you got from your mother just earlier this morning.

“I’m going straight home.” For a day, you just wanted to enjoy being off the grid. Well, not completely, but it was always nice to be alone in your apartment and just not touch your phone. Besides, it wasn’t like anyone besides your mother would try to keep up with you. Both of your brothers were busy with their own things and they could just drop by your place if they needed something from you.

“Good, good. You better get some proper rest, okay? We all know you won’t be getting any of that once the new semester starts next month.” You just smiled at her words. “Let me know if you need anything, okay? I’m just a call away.” She might be a call away, but she had her schedule full with so many things. Her class schedule, her job, and her boyfriend that you had never met before.

But for her peace of mind, you nodded anyway and told her not to worry.

On your way back to the apartment, you made a stop by the supermarket. It was easier to do grocery shopping now while you were still outside and before your mood was gone. Besides, the sight of all the food in the snack aisle managed to lift up your mood, too. While it was hard to decide which snack you should buy, you welcomed the process of decision making in your head that was for once not school related. After all the whirlwind that was your summer break, this was relaxing, somehow.

You were just driving out of the parking lot when the first call came in. Kim Junmyeon. Answering the call, your older brother’s voice filled in the quietness in your car.

“You arrived home yet?” It was a regular check-up thing that he did whenever you arrived from New York. It was nice that he gave you a little bit of room and time to breathe before he called. Although you both didn’t even live in the same country anymore, you’d think he was still the only one in the family who understood you the most.

“I landed about three hours ago, and I just got back from Sooyoung’s and did some grocery shopping too,” you answered as you made a right turn. Junmyeon let out a hum at your answer. “Where are you now? The office?” You earned a laugh this time, causing you to jut lower lip out into a pout.

“Yah, it’s Saturday. Why would I be at the office?” The clogs in your brain worked, trying to make you remember what day it was. Right, so it was still Saturday at where he was.

“Oh, right…” you mumbled and let out a chuckle out of sheer embarrassment. “Uh, can you call again later?”

“Sure, sure. I’ll let you go now.” After exchanging goodbyes with him, you hung up the call, feeling perfectly content with only hearing the faint sounds of the radio in your car. The volume had turned to low because you only needed it as the background noise. As something to keep your mind stayed within the line you had previously drawn yourself. It was proven hard, though, because the scenery out there was pretty much the same to what you had been seeing in the past month. Only this was less crowded, but pretty much the same.

You’d think of how it was if you lived in the countryside. Somewhere so far from the hustle bustle of the big city. Somewhere your family wouldn’t expect you to live. It might be nice, and the thought was refreshing enough that it brought a little smile on your face. You imagined how your brothers would respond to that—how Junmyeon would whine and insult (in a brotherly way) your choice of living meanwhile Minseok would praise you and probably visit every now and then because the simple living suited him too.

It would be hilarious, living somewhere out of reach from everyone. It would be a move that no one would ever expect from you—from Minseok, probably—and it would just be funny seeing other people’s reaction to it. It would be nice, though, if you really had the guts to do it.

The guts you had only took you so far to live in the old, hand-me-down apartment from your late father—although the apartment wasn’t actually old, after some renovations here and there, of course. While you were hoping that you could take a bigger step than this, it was still enough for you (for the moment, at least). You were grateful for the impulsive decision that you made back then, even though living alone could be quite lonely to you.

The only things (and people) that could keep you company were mostly your Netflix and the two guys who were only a phone call away and liked to act as your bodyguard—they clearly weren’t, though. A ‘phone call away’ was literally meant just that because they could just come over bearing snacks (and alcohol, too, sometimes if there was a request) whenever you called them to.

“You just want us to help you clean up your place, right?” The first guy, Chanyeol, spoke up as soon as you opened up your front door and let him in your apartment. There wasn’t a spike in his words, though. It was laced with amusement as if he had expected this to happen.

“As long as you buy us food, it’s fine, though.” Sehun, who stood behind Chanyeol, popped in. You just chuckled at their words and stepped aside to let them in. The two guys were frequent guests in your apartment, so you didn’t need to wait around for them because you knew they’d follow you to the living room.

With the two of them occupied the couch in the living room, the apartment didn’t feel quite as lonely as it was before. Chanyeol and Sehun talked enough for the three of you and the music (that Chanyeol played from his playlist) that blasted softly through the Bluetooth speaker was also enough to drown your thoughts away as you cleaned.

“I’ll clean my bedroom, okay?” The guys only responded with hums and with that, you left them to their devices in the living room. You trusted them enough to help you clean and you knew they wouldn’t let you down, especially with the promise of food. Besides, it wasn’t the first time this happened too.

There was a system when it came to cleaning your room. The system consisted of you tying your hair up and wearing the loosest shirt you could ever find in your closet and playing a podcast from Spotify on speakerphone. It was a system that had worked for quite a long time.

The system, this time, was interrupted by a string of email notifications from your mother. A string of e-mail that you hadn’t even bothered to read since you left New York City two weeks ago. The amount of unread email wasn’t that many back then, and you were quite busy with the excitement of meeting up with Junmyeon and spending the last weeks of your summer break with him.

But this time as you sat on the edge of your bed with nothing to look forward too, you realized you couldn’t brush them off any longer. With a sigh, you opened up your email app and gulped at the seven unread emails from your mother.

(You also cursed to yourself at your mother’s inability to act like the usual mother who texted their kids rather than sent them freaking e-mail).

The first few emails were her usual nagging. Telling you to send her pictures from your break in LA with Junmyeon and to let her know when you landed in South Korea. You did neither of them because you knew she might have found out what you were doing in LA from Junmyeon’s posts on Instagram, so you quickly scrolled down to the others.

The recent ones, though, were the ones that you regretted opening it in the first place.

My lovely daughter,

I hope you find this email just fine.

I just want to let you know that I have found a man suited to you. He is the son of your father’s colleague and studying at Korea Univ too. Here is attached his full profile so you can get to know him. Expect a text or call from him within the week and date within this month.

Have fun on your date and good luck with your studies.

It seemed like your mother had the template ready for this kind of emails. It was because this was definitely not the first time you received similar emails from your mother. It felt like she got the template ready and only had to input different info and profile when the time came. It made you feel sick.

Annoyance and anger were the two emotions that you could feel so strongly once you read the email once more. It felt like a lump grew in your throat and you had trouble swallowing it (along with your bubbling anger) down. The feeling was familiar, for it wasn’t the first time, but it still irked you to the bone. She had pushed you too far this time and maybe it was time for you to do something—that you weren’t sure of doing back then, but this time it seemed like you had no choice.

Maybe… Maybe it was the right time to actually fight back.

+++++

The quaint cafe was quite empty as you pushed the door open, the little bell above the door ringing through the room. The young girl behind the counter looked up and smiled at you as you stepped in, her gesture telling you that she was ready to move behind the cashier machine and take your order. You just flashed her a small smile and a faint shake of the head though, and then shifted your gaze away to the man sitting by himself on the table in the corner of the room.

Your eldest brother, Minseok, stared at you as if you had grown double heads as you walked towards where he was sitting. Just like every time you met up with him, he chose the table in the corner of the room. The two paper cups and the strawberry cake in the middle of the table and the gummy smile he’s sporting made you pick up your pace.

“You’re dressed up,” he stated as he hugged you in greeting. “You’re not usually this dressed up to see me.” You couldn’t help but chuckle at his words and the teasing smile across his face. It was true, though. The both of you were never dressed up when meeting each other. So, yeah, you kind of figured he would be questioning you when you dressed up to the nines like this.

“I’m meeting someone later.” A playful smile bloomed across your face as you sat across the table from Minseok. Those words were not unfamiliar to his ears, you knew. In the previous dates, he was your rescuer when things got a bit too overwhelming and bad for you.

“Should I have my phone on standby tonight, then?” You chuckled and shook your head, taking a sip from the paper cup in front of you that you predicted to be hot cappuccino—you were right.

“I’m gonna be fine,” you tried to reassure him—and yourself too. “I’m meeting with Sooyoung and her boyfriend and their friend. So, it should be fine.” Minseok looked like he still wasn’t convinced, so you had to do more. “I’ll text you once I meet the guy and arrive home, okay? I’ll even call you when I’m on my way back. Is that enough?” Then he finally nodded.

You spent quite a bit of time with Minseok, the two of you catching up with what each other had done during the summer break. As usual and as expected of Minseok, he spent his summer break working and searching for a school to pursue his doctoral degree. He dated, on the side too. You didn’t where he had all that time and how he managed it, but you had always been so amazed by (and proud of) your eldest sibling.

Although the two of you weren’t as close in the past as you were now, you were glad that you managed to be closer with him now that you lived in Seoul. After all, it was always nice to have a familiar face around you.

“I think I’ll leave now,” you informed your brother once you glanced at the digital clock on your phone, signaling you that you only had thirty minutes before your meeting with Sooyoung and the others. Taking one last sip of your coffee, both of you stood up from your seats.

“Don’t forget to let me know about the date, okay?” Both of you shared a brief hug before he finally let you go to do your last plan for the day.

Throughout the drive to the restaurant where you’re meeting Sooyoung and the others, you couldn’t help but notice how hard your heart was beating against your chest. It beat hard and fast as if it was following a beat of a drum somewhere. It also felt like there was a loud ringing in your ears that it almost distracted you from your own plan. You couldn’t be distracted, though. In order for tonight to go smoothly, your head had to be clear and to reach that, you spent about five minutes in your parked car to take deep breaths and calm yourself. A little bit of pep talk could work like a charm, too.

Once you took one last deep breath, you made up your mind to finally get out of your car and walk into the restaurant. The sound of the heels of your shoes against the wooden floor was what you focused as you kept your head held high, a subtle hint of a smile playing loosely on your face. The restaurant was pretty crowded—it’s dinner time, anyway—but you could still spot your friend easily.

Too easily, in fact. The dark red dress Sooyoung was wearing and the red coating her lips were the ones you spotted first. The man with a white button-up shirt sitting next to her was the one you noticed next. How they acted around each other—the way Sooyoung holding the hand tightly in her hands—felt like they were wrapped in a bubble. They were so wrapped around each other and you were sure Sooyoung wouldn’t notice you at all if you didn’t clear your throat once you approached their table.

As if pulled back from a trance, Sooyoung broke her gaze from the man next to her and shifted her body and her gaze to face you. A wide smile bloomed on her face when she recognized you.

“You’re finally here!” She exclaimed in greeting, catching the attention both of the men sitting in our table. You just nodded and widened your smile, hoping that it could show her the same enthusiasm that she felt. She stood up and hugged you briefly before ushering you to sit across her.

It was a round of introduction that happened next. You were finally introduced to Kim Jongdae, the man that you knew to be dating your friend but never saw him before, despite your numerous visit to his apartment—that Sooyoung liked to stay in. From the way he dressed, you knew he was rich and you had a slight inkling that maybe, just maybe Sooyoung didn’t only date him. Some perks might or might not come with it, too.

Finally, finally, Sooyoung introduced you to the man sitting next to you. You were sure that he had his attention on his phone before, but now that Sooyoung finally introduced the both of you, he had his attention on you. Turning your head to face him, you opted to keep your smile small and polite. It was important not to show him that you were too eager to meet him. To hold the attention you had already gotten from him, you had to show him that you were delighted to be there, but not that much interested.

Although, you had to admit that it was pretty hard to do so.

Byun Baekhyun looked so much better in the flesh than it was in the picture before. If you saw him in the picture, the first thing that could possibly cross your mind would be how young and inexperienced he looked ruling his own family business. In the picture, he looked relatively small compared to the business he’s running. People would think that he was nothing but a chaebol trying to run his own family business but failing to do so.

But in real life, it seemed like he had the purpose to prove everyone wrong. His faded blond hair might prove you different, creating him a look like he was some college student, not twenty-eight years old with dozens of achievements and a sharp brain and charming smile that made him look like he was meant to be in his position, like he was meant to sit next to you and charm the hell out of you tonight.

The way Baekhyun engaged in the conversation between the four of you was nice. He even managed to crack a few jokes here and there to keep the atmosphere light around you. It was nice enough that it made you sneak a few glances in his direction when he managed to make you chuckle with his words. It was nice enough that you couldn’t wait until it was time for all of you to move to the bar. You knew you couldn’t say what you had planned to with Sooyoung and his boyfriend still here.

“So, should we move to the bar now?” You held the urge to let out a sigh in relief when Baekhyun said that. A chorus of agreement later, Baekhyun paid for the dinner bill and the four of you got up from your seats.

Letting Sooyoung and his brother walk first, you smoothed down your dress and fished out your phone from your clutch to send Minseok a message.

It’s all fine. I’m going home now.

Once the message was sent, you locked your phone and placed it back in your clutch.

“I don’t peg you to be the kind of person who lies.” You shouldn’t be surprised that he managed to see the text you just sent, but you still did. Turning your face a bit to see him, you just smiled.

“It’s my brother. He worries way too much sometimes.” Both of you walked side by side until you were all outside the restaurant. Sooyoung and Jongdae were waiting for you outside. Once they both saw you and Baekhyun, they didn’t say another word and led the way to the bar.

“I understand why he worries, though.” You raised your eyebrows at his words. “How can he not? When you’re out and about in the city, looking so beautiful like this.” A chuckle slipped out of your mouth at his words. Flattery seemed to be his way of keeping your attention on him, and you realized that this was going to be fun. There was no doubt that you could have a lot of fun with this, especially with the plans you had already made for him.

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