#my emotional support disney final fantasy villain guy

[1071png]

ive made more cute ansems to make myself feel better

[thefangirltreehouse]

spider-man two, thoughts (spoilers below).

this is literally just spit-balling

harry as venom isn't a plot i hate. the way insomniac likes to craft their stories primarily around the emotional baggage of established relationships that peter (and miles) has. fighting for and against your terminally ill best friend with pretty bleak execution results is far more interesting to me than fighting a character who's no more than a missable footnote in the original game. harry as venom isn't something i'm gunning for in the comics but it works for insomniac.

i'm so glad that insomniac really leaned into peter and mj's dynamic and it was nice to see her as more than just the doting girlfriend.

i mean, darin de paul is just a national treasure. in what world does the man that plays ardyn izunia play triple-j.

speaking of final fantasy xv, king regis you bitch! how dare you stab peter. i cannot believe we have two caelum's in one spider-man game.

i'm so happy they integrated hailey into the main supporting cast (also playable?!) but when did she find out about miles?

mj i get, but i feel peter moved on far too quickly from the fact he nearly killed his girlfriend. and on that note, literally just stands and watches the scream transformation. i know they're trying to keep it together considering peter's experience with the symbiote but like, i would've been pissed at harry.

rio and miles dancing at the gala was the most adorable thing. (especially as someone who grew up with a single-mum).

they literally don't explain how venom gets his name

"show them your manhood!" / "yes sir - wait, what?!"

young peter's look just confirms disney / marvel wanted the face change to represent the mcu because that is literally tom holland's face.

i actually didn't think yuri's performance could get any better, it did especially once peter has the symbiote off.

the music during the venom fight with peter at midtown is incredible.

i obviously knew he wasn't going to die but i legit cried when pete got stabbed.

i understand insomniac really want you to use the symbiote suit but peter's lower-level unlocked suits are low-key hot garbage. even as someone who doesn't mind the militarized, tech suits the choices were so mid. i didn't get the suit i really wanted until after i bet the story. i ended up using the raimi suit which i never used in the original game as i don't like that suit but it was the only normal looking suit that wasn't native to insomniac as i don't like their peter suits.

miles' were better but a lot of them seemed to blend together. his endgame suit is actually my favourite (but with the red, purple and blue ombre lining - which i'm annoyed i couldn't even use the swatch in the finale).

had quite a handful of restarts and crashes in 23hrs play-time.

kinda wish we could've seen young!mj with peter and harry.

miles telling harry that he doesn't care if he's peter's best friend, he's still going to kick his ass was great.

i feel like the plot beats for this game overall were kinda predictable in that kraven was the early game bad guy, pete gets the symbiote suit from harry, harry takes it back and becomes venom all with the end result of norman being pissed at spider-man(s) for harry's probably bad outcome. that said, i genuinely have no guesses for structure of the next one and i doubt they're going to make harry a 'villain' again.

i don't think they'll use carnage in dlc, especially when yuri said it might take "years" to track him down, but i also don't know if he'll be enough for the finale as it might - at least gameplay and conceptually - feel like a venom rehash.

this just me on a tangent so feel free to skip. based on what i said, as someone not super familiar with carnage outside of specific media, the problem i have with him in relation to venom is the same problem i have with 'the batman who laughs' it makes the former feel less threating in direct comparison (which will happen when you cut to carnage after immediately having venom as a main antagonist one game prior), especially when venom is brock rather than peter as the host, because there's internal conflict with peter (which can be argued with tbwl's to some extent). carnage, in basic terms is bat-shit venom with zero redeeming qualities and i worry that for a medium like this he will feel derivative. the joker and the venom shouldn't feel less dangerous, especially now that it feels like venom has taken on anti-hero and carnage has become what venom was. like what happened in cruella. disney tried to make cruella likable, so emma stone basically played 'disney: harley quinn' and emma thompson played cruella.

this is oddly specific but i feel laura bailey is like the only woman in gaming that goes for the scream. and i always watch these games (cyberpunk in particular) and i'm like "girl scream, let out that guttural scream because i know that's exactly what's i'd be doing in that situation because this shit is terrifying." the only other time i've properly seen it done was also by laura bailey when she played fetch.

i actually don't know if we'll get another in-between game because i feel like the "play as miles'" itch has been scratched. meaning there's no need to fill that void as until his spin-off we couldn't play as him, now we can.

but if we do, could potentially see a silk, miles team-up to take down carnage.

mj's stealth missions are terrifying. her section under the tunnel with peter should’ve been longer

gutted there's no ng+ yet.

my bisexual queen is thriving.

getting the spider-bots was really the only fun thing to collect.

we’ll probably see gwen in the next game.

the sheer amount of detail on felicia's face

i can’t not hear wally in any of jason spisak’s roles.

“i don’t know what it is, but i just love this spider-bot.” - peter (about the spider-girl spider-bot)

vulture, electro and shocker really didn’t need to be killed completely off-screen. but i feel like they might’ve lost their rating if they weren’t. it’s just a bit strange that nobody noticed, especially pete that multiple high-profile raft inmates went missing?

people are being weird as fuck about cindy and peter. the girl is clearly a minor.

i booted up the first game to replay it, yeah. i still don’t like peter’s new face.

felt like there was half an act missing. could’ve done with one more agent venom mission, perhaps they can’t save vulture or electro. kinda felt like they needed a ‘he really is taking them out one by one.’

could’ve done with venom’s arc being a little longer.

miles’ arc was incredible and i loved watching him team-up with mj.

the black suit with the blue and red highlights from the nineties cartoon?!

speaking of, mj’s outfit during the zoo mission is also a call back

reed richards is defo getting a cameo in the next game and maybe tony on a phone call. i’d also love a nudge-nudge side-quest for deadpool.

i know it’s an emotional scene but i spat out my drink when i saw they changed the pic of harry from the old game to his new design in peter’s garage.

“i think we should get them” the line delivery on that is immaculate, like thank you captain obvious.

i’ve had a bit to linger on this but, there’s a bit of a disconnect between harry wanting the suit and getting it back. i think there had to be just a bit more push with peter specifically. i get he’s a nice guy but we needed to see a bit more passive aggressive harry brewing in the desperation for the symbiote.

watching a playthrough i realised venom got his name from oscorp / dr. connors as there’s a container with the name “vnm” when peter turns connors human again.

i don't want a venom spin-off and it feels like the only people who do want it is to take venom for an hour's joy-ride (until the gimmick wears off) or eddie brock stans that feel jilted by insomniac. i'd much rather get straight to the finale because i don't want to have to buy a playstation six just because some randomers want an eddie simulator first.

chameleon is absolutely going to be dlc.

how did mj get her motorbike back from the tunnel?

predictions for the next game:

electro isn't dead, primarily due to the fact that max may have became pure energy to escape kraven.

cindy, miles and black cat team-up mission.

may is hinted at towards the end of the game.

madame webb is getting something.

if carnage is in the third game and not two's dlc, he'll be the opening act villain (pseudo-kraven).

they'll tease hobgoblin - harry or not. (i could genuinely see harry becoming hobgoblin to help take down otto and green goblin, if it's norman).

peter might die, but i doubt it.

if harry dies, it'll be half-way through the game. i will actually kill myself tho.

i low-key want spot to be in the game or dlc but i don't think they'll do that purely because of spider-verse but you can tell a lot of insomniac grew-up on the nineties show, so it might be a possibility. (most of my knowledge for spider lore exists in that show and the various film franchises because the only spider comics i own is one 'noir' trade and a handful of 'the superior foes of spider-man'.)

i mean, they also could have miles go after spot, which could be fun.

HOLY FUCK! WAIT! HARRY AS GREEN GOBLIN COULD BE AN HOMAGE ARC TO MARY JANE IN LIMBO BUT EVEN MORE ANGSTY CAUSE THAT SERUM IS DEFO GONNA MAKE HARRY PSYCHO - I ACTUALLY NEED TO SEE IT BECAUSE THAT EPISODE IS LITERALLY ONE OF MY CORE MEMORIES.

the delivery of “i think we should get him” is immaculate

someone mentioned this on tvtropes, but stark industries bankrolling f.e.a.s.t is not a bad idea.

fisk will probably be back in side mission capacity or dlc.

[qqueenofhades]

so…now that we all know what you DISLIKE about star wars (and 400% fairly so, you have my full support here)…

what drew you into the universe, what keeps you around?

favorite characters, ships (OTPs or actual spaceships lol), overall themes, do you have a favorite random weird creature or robot that you adore? whatever you wanna talk about!

go off honey (again, but supportively 💖💖💖)

tax paid: the very nerdy star wars punk vest i made and the even nerdier matching vest i made for starsky

Lmaooo, entirely valid. You were like "star wars?" and I was like the drunk person at the bar who can't stop shouting about how much their ex sucks. But now that I have gotten all that off my chest, let's talk about why I love it (since if I didn't love it, I wouldn't have such strong opinions). Basically my feelings on the OG SW trilogy are similar to my feelings on the OG LOTR trilogy, as that tumblr post floating around somewhere put it: sure, they have flaws, but also, they're perfect. I have a complicated relationship with the prequels, as do we all, since George Lucas cannot write dialogue or direct actors to save his life (stick to what you're good at, George, hire other people to do the rest), but even they have their moments. Like. Hit me with that "Across the Stars" love theme, John Williams. Gahh. Just like that.

Because... Star Wars wasn't actually this omnipresent corporate global entertainment monolith when it started out. It was a dorky low-budget indie sci-fi film in the 1970s which everyone thought was going to bomb. But it told a simple and compelling story in an interesting way, everyone agrees that ESB is one of the best films/sequels ever made, and then ROTJ gave it a happy ending while it was still okay to do that. My main thematic gripe with the Disney trilogy (I will try to keep those to a minimum, lol, but I have to bring it up to compare) is that it very clearly fell into the "actual happy endings are naive and unrealistic and a cynical postmodern audience won't accept anything less than things being Bad" trap that, yet again, we have GOT to thank for. It obviously existed to some degree before that, but GOT blew it up to huge levels, where the only valid situation or character is that which is Grimdark and Depressing. Which, in my view, misses the heart and soul of what SW is all about??

Like. ESB is genuinely dark. ANH was this fun plucky little sci-fi film where the scrappy good guys won the day against the Nazi stand-ins, as they were supposed to, and then ESB comes along (speaking of John Williams, let us all chant together, DUH DUH DUH DUHDUHDUH DUHDUHDUH, DUH DUH DUH DUHHHH DUHHH DUHHH DUHHHH) and things go... wrong. Leia and Han are on the run for most of the movie, then get captured and tortured by the Empire and and betrayed (however unwillingly) by Lando. The Rebellion is attacked on Hoth (I tell you, those fuckin AT-AT walkers were SCARY when you see it as a young kid for the first time), and forced into hiding. Luke loses his hand, doubts Obi-Wan and Yoda and realizes that his mentors are fallible, makes dumb mistakes, and of course gets hit with The Most Famous Line In Movie History. But it's also just adrenaline and excitement. THE ASTEROID FIELD! THE HAN-LEIA BANTER! THE FIRST LUKE-VADER DUEL! THE FACT THAT YOU HEAR TWO FRICKING NOTES OF THE IMPERIAL MARCH AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAHHHH!

But also then... Return of the Jedi. It gets shat upon for the Ewoks and reusing the Death Star as the Big Bad and being supposedly cheesy and not as Thematically Dark as ESB. Which is all kinda silly, in my opinion, but also, can we talk about Luke Skywalker's character arc and how he chooses possibly the most radical compassion ever demonstrated by a hero in an action movie, let alone a space opera. He insists that Anakin Skywalker is still in there somewhere and puts his own neck on the line to prove it. Luke doesn't save the galaxy by being a Badass Jedi. He saves it by throwing away his lightsaber and saying "I will not fight you, Father." He saves it by trusting that even in the depths of darkness, Anakin can come back from the charred ruins of Darth Vader and finally do what he was supposed to do all along. He can end Palpatine for good and all (we don't talk about "Somehow Palpatine has returned" because it's nonsense, obviously). Anakin can avenge the Jedi and what was done to him and all the lies he believed and the pain he wreaked on the galaxy, even then. It's not too late. It's not too late. Like. I don't care if this is Lightweight or Childish or whatever. It makes me CRY every time I watch it. Especially the moment where Luke takes off Anakin’s helmet and sees how ruined he actually is under there, and yet the downfall and death of the trilogy’s chief villain is not triumphant at all but instead utterly heartbreaking. “You were right about me Luke... tell your sister... you were right.”

Excuse me, I need to just /CRIES INTENSELY/

Luke won't be tempted to the dark side for his own sake, but Leia's ("If you will not join me, then perhaps she will"). I likewise hold firmly that Anakin/Vader is one of the best movie villains/antiheroes of all time and likewise have many feelings and Strong Opinions about his arc, prequel writing clumsiness and eye-rollingly tepid love story aside. (See: he and Obi-Wan were deeply in love and in a way they still are, don't @ me. I have no problems with Padme and obviously stan Natalie Portman at all times, but Anakin and Obi-Wan’s relationship is the real love story, the heart of the prequels, and in some ways even the subsequent movies, the end.) And “so this is how democracy dies, with thunderous applause” is... raw af as a line. For being in a Star Wars prequel movie. What?? (Also, the Revenge of the Sith novelization had no business being as good as it was. If only that dude had also written the movie.)

Anyway, my point is: the OG trilogy had plenty of moments of staggering emotional weight and where things genuinely sucked for the good guys and the outcome wasn’t entirely clear. The difference is that it didn’t choose to dwell on them, and it allowed for a transformative fictional space where a happy ending, fiercely fought for and squarely earned, was the right outcome. We didn’t need to go back thirty years later and make everything suck for fear that a cynical modern audience couldn’t connect with it otherwise. (Like I said, we didn’t need the new movies at all, but Disney heard that Cha-Ching of the Almighty Dollar). Star Wars was sci-fi, sure, but it also had the fantasy elements that allowed a happy ending to be the right choice for what we saw the characters go through and the philosophy that carried us through the original trilogy.

Likewise it’s just... Peak as far as dynamics go. C-3PO the fussy metal butler who worries about Everything and R2-D2 who is the droid embodiment of YOLO? Flawless. Sassy scruffy space pirate and badass politician warrior princess bicker constantly, butt heads, drive each other crazy, and then fall in love? Iconic. (And has shaped my ship tastes for... all of eternity, oops.) The above-discussed transformation of Luke Skywalker, whiny ordinary teenage kid, to the truly great man who fulfills what Obi-Wan, Yoda, AND the rest of the entire Jedi order couldn’t manage to do, because of their own flaws and blind spots and black-and-white moral views that didn’t know what to do with a man who loved as passionately as Anakin Skywalker, for better or for worse? The guy who managed to save the galaxy with love? STAN.

So... what? The Disney trilogy decides to retcon all that, throw everything that they’ve fought for out the window, make Han, Leia, and Luke miserable and rejecting the roles they grew into in the original trilogy, and die without ever really reuniting or seeing each other again as a trio? The underlying message was that “these happy endings aren’t satisfactory/realistic/sophisticated enough” and idk, maybe it’s just the shitshow of the last few years, but I’d like to see some entertainment that had the cojones to tell me that despite all the darkness and despair, maybe there’s a chance for hope. (”Rebellions are built on hope,” thank you Only Valid New Star Wars Movie Rogue One.) And Rogue One worked so well, despite being utterly GUTTING as all the heroes died one by one, because we knew what was coming next (A New Hope) and that their sacrifice was going to be worth it. I don’t care if that’s “realistic” or not. As I’ve said before, that’s what stories are for, and if I only wanted things that were Real Life, I would only read the news. Besides, the idea that happy endings never happen in reality is equally bullshit. We as a culture need to accept that more, instead of finding reasons to tear everything down.

So just... yes. The original trilogy might have flaws, but also, it’s perfect. And do I want to rewatch it all now? Kinda.

(Anyway. I warned you this was gonna be long. Oh look, it’s long, and I’m sure there is even more I could say, but still. Ahem.)

sleepover weekend asks

[tricksheart]

❥ —— 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐌𝐘 𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐒 !

list the ten muses that you’ve enjoyed/you’re enjoying writing the most. one for every fandom !

1. Akira Kurusu / Joker / Persona 5 Protagonist from Persona 5. I’ve had Akira since 2016, with moving him from two previous urls and blogs. I just love this protag since he’s the one that I could see myself in. The other two protags from 3 and 4 were so polar opposite that I couldn’t really see myself when playing as them in the game. Akira definitely feels more real than any other self insert character that I have come across through gaming. Plus the whole rebellion thing and have to wear glasses for most of the game really stands out to me. And fine I’ll admit it, the ability to say/do memes and tease people once he really gets to know a person are also traits that I love to explore as well. A person who you both do and don’t know all too well.

2. Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd from Fire Emblem Three Houses. I’ve been playing Fire Emblem since 2007 ( Radiant Dawn ) and ever since have been a huge fan. There’s only a few games that I haven’t played because they are region locked but I have many favorites in the series. Ephiram from Sacred Stones used to be my favorite lord of all time before I played Three Houses and met one blonde lance prince from the Blue Lions house. Expertly well-written and not so black&white when it comes to character, I love writing him. I even supported the character when everyone else was hating on him because of his hair design. I’ve had my Dimitri ( @seekswrath ) since 2018 and I don’t know if I could ever say goodbye to such a great muse.

3. Back when I started tumblr rp back in 2012, my first muse was Peter Pan from Once Upon a Time, also my first time rping a villain character. I had a lot of fun on that blog and I wrote more too but we also used huge moving gifs and big images. But we all had fun and didn’t care too much about formatting, fancy icons, stylistic blogs that no one can navigate properly. I still have that muse floating around tumblr but I have lost the login and password to that blog so it’s going to be inactive forever.

4. 2010 had me having a huge interest with a little series called Durarara!! but it wasn’t until 2014 that I had made myself an Izaya Orihara rp blog. It’s funny since my friends and I used to have this little game when we all watched anime to see who was going to be who. And my bus friend was in charge one time and told me that I was just like that Izaya character. And I asked, ‘Isn’t he the bad guy?’ and he replied that even if he was, he still was cooler than the rest of the others on the show. So that somewhat stuck with me when choosing which Durarara!! character I wanted to play as.

5. I really miss writing my Light Yagami from Death Note. Not only do I have a birthday two days before his, I actually liked writing intelligent characters that were supposed to be more emotional since they were born in the Pisces part of the zodiac. Plus, he really wasn’t into romance and actually got annoyed when people did fall in love with him or his ideals. He just didn’t want to be bothered and that part was really fun to write.

6. Bede from Pokemon Sword and Shield is a fun muse to write because he’s a rival character and there hasn’t been a lot of rival ones that are basically rude and actually get in your way, save for Silver and maybe Green ( Blue ) depending on how you look at it. Plus, he’s basically a bastard version of a wooloo and likes Psychic pokemon, well mine at ( @psyprodigy ) does anyway.

7. I like writing all of my muses over at ( @hitobanju​ ) because I do love most characters from Otome based games because there’s a character in there for everyone. Don’t like this one character in the game? Then there is always another option. It’s fun choosing muses that speak to you and even if I am not one for romance, there is characters in those games that is not too focused on that as well.

8. Elsa from the Frozen / Disney franchise. This one is self explanatory for the most part because she’s my favorite princess / queen / royalty from Disney since she is character that I can look up too and also is an ACE icon for people like myself and others who identify as this. ( @glovenice​ ) is my muse blog for Elsa and I am really grateful for everyone on there.

9. I remade my Noctis ( over at @somnumsol​ ) but I had him as a single muse in 2018. I just loved how Final Fantasy actually had the protagonist to be laid back, liked to fish ( as I do ) and be extra tired all the time instead of the local brooder ( Cloud, Lightning, and Squall ) or the laughing comic relief ( Tidus and Zidane ). 

10. I just recently made him because the movie just came out last week but I’m having fun rping Sonic ( @blrings​ ) since it’s been a long time since I’ve played a sonic game that isn’t smash bros. It’s really nostalgic because sonic was the first video game I’ve ever played and writing the smart alec, chili dog eating, blue blur is something that makes me smile. Also, the memes. Gotta go fast.

Tagged by: @jokaito​ && @p0lymat​ Tagging: @praeteritus-memories​ and anyone else who wants to do this.

[grigori77]

2019 in Movies - My Top 30 Fave Movies (Part 2)

20.  FROZEN 2 – so, another year, then, and once again Disney doesn’t QUITE manage to net the animated feature top spot on my list, but it’s not for lack of trying – this long-awaited sequel to the studio’s runaway hit musical fantasy adventure is just what we’ve come to love from the House of Mouse, but more importantly it’s a most worthy sequel, easily on a par with the much beloved origin.  Not much of a surprise given the welcome return of all the key people, from directors Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee (who also once again wrote the screenplay) to composer Christophe Beck and songwriters Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez, as well as all the key players in the cast.  It’s business as usual in the kingdom of Arendelle, where all is seemingly peaceful and tranquil, but Queen Elsa (Idina Menzel) is restless, haunted by a distant voice that only she can hear, calling to her from a mysterious past she just can’t place … and then she accidentally awakens the four elemental spirits, sending her homeland into mystical turmoil, prompting her to embark on a desperate search for answers with her sister Princess Anna (Kristen Bell), ice harvester Kristoff (Jonathan Groff), his faithful reindeer companion Sven, and, of course, living snowman Olaf (Josh Gad). Their quest leads them into the Enchanted Forest of Northuldra, a neighbouring kingdom, ruled by simple, elemental magic, that has remained cut off from Arendelle for decades, where they discover dark, hidden truths about their own family’s past and must make peace with the spirits if they’re to save their home and their people.  So, typical Disney family fantasy fare, then, right? Well, Frozen 2 certainly dots all the Is and crosses all the Ts, but, like the original, this is no jaded blockbuster money spinner, packed with the same kind of resonant power, skilful inventiveness and pure, show-stopping WOW-factor as its predecessor, but more importantly this is a sequel that effectively carves out a fresh identity for itself, brilliantly taking the world and characters in interesting new directions to create something fresh, rewarding and worthwhile on its own merit.  The returning cast are all as strong as ever, Menzel and Bell in particular ably powering the story, while it’s nice to see both Groff and Gad getting something new to do with their own characters too, even nabbing their own major musical numbers; there’s also a welcome slew of fresh new faces to this world, particular Sterling K. Brown (This is Us, Black Panther, The Predator) as lost Anrendelle soldier Mattias and former Brat Pack star Martha Plimpton as Yelena, leader of the lost tribe of Northuldra. Once again this is Disney escapism at its very best, a heart-warming, soul-nourishing powerhouse of winning humour, emotional power and child-like wonder, but like the first film the biggest selling point is, of course, that KILLER soundtrack, with every song here a total hit, not one dud among them, and there are even ear-worms here to put Let It Go to shame – Into the Unknown was touted as the major hit, and it is impressive, but I was particularly affected by Groff’s unashamedly full-bore rendition of Lost in the Woods, a bona fide classic rock power ballad crafted in the fashion of REO Speedwagon, while the undeniable highlight for me is the unstoppable Show Yourself, with Menzel once again proving that her incredible voice is a natural force all in itself.  Altogether, then, this is an absolute feast for the eyes, the ears AND the soul, every inch the winner that its predecessor was and also EASILY one of Disney’s premier animated features for the decade.  So it’s quite the runner-up, then …

19.  ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD – since his explosion onto the scene twenty-seven years ago with his runaway smash debut Reservoir Dogs, Quentin Tarantino has become one of the most important filmmakers of his generation, a true master of the cinematic art form who consistently delivers moving picture masterpieces that thrill, entertain, challenge and amuse audiences worldwide … at least those who can stomach his love of unswerving violence, naughty talk and morally bankrupt antiheroes and despicably brutal villains who are often little more than a shade different from one another.  Time has moved on, though, and while he’s undoubtedly been one of the biggest influences on the way cinema has changed over the past quarter century, there are times now that it’s starting to feel like the scene is moving on in favour of younger, fresher blood with their own ideas.   I think Tarantino can sense this himself, because he recently made a powerful statement – after he’s made his tenth film, he plans to retire.  Given that OUATIH is his NINTH film, that deadline is already looming, and we unashamed FANS of his films are understandably aghast over this turn of events.  Thankfully he remains as uncompromisingly awesome a writer-director as ever, delivering another gold standard five-star flick which is also most definitely his most PERSONAL work to date, quite simply down to the fact that it’s a film ABOUT film.  Sure, it has a plot (of sorts, anyway), revolving around the slow decline of the career of former TV star Rick Dalton (Leonardo Dicaprio), who languishes in increasing anonymity in Hollywood circa 1969 as his former western hero image is being slowly eroded by an increasingly hacky workload guest-starring on various syndicated shows as a succession of punching-bag heavies for the hero to wale on, while his only real friend is his one-time stunt double, Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt), a former WW2 hero with a decidedly tarnished reputation of his own; meanwhile new neighbours have moved in next door to further distract him – hot-as-shit young director Roman Polanski (Rafal Zawierucha), riding high on the success of Rosemary’s Baby, and his new wife Sharon Tate (Margot Robbie).  Certainly this all drives the film, along with real-life events involving one of the darkest crimes in modern American history, but a lot of the time the plot is largely coincidental – Quentin uses it as a springboard to wax lyrical about his very favourite subject and pay loving (if sometimes irreverently satirical) tribute to the very business he’s been indulging in with such great success since 1992.  Sure, it’s also about “Helter Skelter” and the long shadow cast by Charles Manson and his band of murderous misfits, but this is largely incidental, as we’re treated to long, entertaining interludes as we follow Rick on a shoot as the bad guy in the pilot for the Lancer TV series, visit the notorious Spahn Ranch with Cliff as he’s unwittingly drawn into the lion’s den of the deadly Manson Family, join Robbie’s Tate as she watches “herself” in The Wrecking Crew, and enjoy a brilliant montage in which we follow Rick’s adventures in Spaghetti westerns (and Eurospy cinema) after he’s offered a chance to change his flagging fortunes, before the film finally builds to a seemingly inevitable, fateful conclusion that Tarantino then, in sneakily OTT Inglourious Basterds style, mischievously turns on its head with a devilish game of “What If”.  The results are a thoroughly engrossing and endlessly entertaining romp through the seedier side of Hollywood and a brilliant warts-and-all examination of the craft’s inner workings that, interestingly, reveals as much about the Business today as it does about how it was way back in the Golden Age the film portrays, all while delivering bucket-loads of QT’s trademark cool, swagger, idiosyncratic genius and to-die-for dialogue and character-work, and, of course, a typically exceptional all-star cast firing on all cylinders. Dicaprio and Pitt are both spectacular (Brad is endearingly taciturn, playing it wonderfully close to the vest throughout, while Leo is simply ON FIRE, delivering a mercurial performance EASILY on a par with his work on Shutter Island and The Wolf of Wall Street – could this be good enough to snag him a second Oscar?), while Robbie consistently endears us to Tate as she EFFORTLESSLY brings the fallen star back to life, and there’s an incredible string of amazing supporting turns from established talent and up-and-comers alike, from Kurt Russell, Al Pacino and a very spiky Bruce Dern to Mike Moh (in a FLAWLESS take on Bruce Lee), Margaret Qualley, Austin Butler and in particular Julia Butters as precocious child star Trudi Fraser.  Packed with winning references, homages, pastiches and ingenious little in-jokes, handled with UTMOST respect for the true life subjects at all times and shot all the way through with his characteristic flair and quirky, deliciously dark sense of humour, this is cinema very much of the Old School, and EVERY INCH a Tarantino flick.  With only one more film to go the implied end of his career seems much too close, but if he delivers one more like this he’ll leave behind a legacy that ANY filmmaker would be proud of.

18.  CRAWL – summer 2019’s runner-up horror offering marks a rousing return to form for a genre talent who’s FINALLY delivered on the impressive promise of his early work – Alexandre Aja made a startling debut with Switchblade Romance, which led to his big break helming the cracking remake of slasher stalwart The Hills Have Eyes, but then he went SPECTACULARLY off the rails when he made the truly abysmal Piranha 3D, which I wholeheartedly regard as one of THE VERY WORST FILMS EVER MADE IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY. He took a big step back in the right direction with the admittedly flawed but ultimately enjoyable and evocative Horns (based on the novel by Stephen King’s son Joe Hill), but it’s with this stripped back, super-tight man-against-nature survival horror that the Aja of old has TRULY returned to us. IN SPADES.  Seriously, I personally think this is his best film to date – there’s no fat on it at all, going from a simple set-up STRAIGHT into a precision-crafted exercise in sustained tension that relentlessly grips right up to the end credits.  The film is largely just a two-hander – Maze Runner star Kaya Scodelario plays Haley Keller, a Florida college student and star swimmer who ventures into the heart of a Category 5 hurricane to make sure her estranged father, Dave (Saving Private Ryan’s Barry Pepper), is okay after he drops off the grid. Finding their old family home in a state of disrepair and slowly flooding, she does a last minute check of the crawl-space underneath, only to discover her father badly wounded and a couple of hungry alligators stalking the dark, cramped, claustrophobic confines. With the flood waters rising and communications cut off, Haley and Dave must use every reserve of strength, ingenuity and survival instinct to keep each other alive in the face of increasingly daunting odds … even with a premise this simple, there was plenty of potential for this to become an overblown, clunky mess in the wrong hands (a la Snakes On a Plane), so it’s a genuinely great thing that Aja really is back at the height of his powers, milking every fraught and suspenseful set-piece to its last drop of exquisite piano-wire tension and putting his actors through hell without a reprieve in sight.  Thankfully it’s not JUST about scares and atmosphere – there’s a genuinely strong family drama at the heart of the story that helps us invest in these two, Scodelario delivering a phenomenally complex performance as she peels back Haley’s layers, from stubborn pedant, through vulnerable child of divorce, to ironclad born survivor, while reconnecting with her emotionally raw, repentantly open father, played with genuine naked intensity in a career best turn from Pepper. Their chemistry is INCREDIBLY strong, making every scene a joy even as it works your nerves and tugs on your heartstrings, and as a result you DESPERATELY want to see them make it out in one piece.  Not that Aja makes it easy for them – the gators are an impressively palpable threat, proper scary beasties even if they are largely (admittedly impressively executed) digital effects, while the storm is almost a third character in itself, becoming as much of an elemental nemesis as its scaly co-stars.  Blessedly brief (just 87 minutes!) and with every second wrung out for maximum impact, this is survival horror at its most brutally, simplistically effective, a deliciously vicious, primal chill-ride that thoroughly rewards from start to finish.  Welcome back, Mr Aja.  We’ve missed you.

17.  SHAZAM! – there were actually THREE movies featuring Captain Marvel out in 2019, but this offering from the hit-and-miss DCEU cinematic franchise is a very different beast from his MCU-based namesake, and besides, THIS Cap long ago ditched said monicker for the far more catchy (albeit rather more oddball) title that graces Warner Bros’ last step back on the right track for their superhero Universe following the equally enjoyable Aquaman and franchise high-point Wonder Woman.  Although he’s never actually referred to in the film by this name, Shazam (Chuck’s Eugene Levy) is the magically-powered alternate persona bestowed upon wayward fifteen year-old foster kid Billy Batson (Andi Mack’s Asher Angel) by an ancient wizard (Djimon Hounsou) seeking one pure soul to battle Dr. Thaddeus Sivana (Mark Strong), a morally corrupt physicist who turns into a monstrous supervillain after becoming the vessel for the spiritual essences of the Seven Deadly Sins (yup, that thoroughly batshit setup is just the tip of the iceberg of bonkersness on offer in this movie).  Yes, this IS set in the DC Extended Universe, Shazam sharing his world with Superman, Batman, the Flash et al, and there are numerous references (both overt and sly) to this fact throughout (especially in the cheeky animated closing title sequence), but it’s never laboured, and the film largely exists in its own comfortably enclosed narrative bubble, allowing us to focus on Billy, his alter ego and in particular his clunky (but oh so much fun) bonding experiences with his new foster family, headed by former foster kid couple Victor and Rosa Vazquez (The Walking Dead’s Cooper Andrews and Marta Milans) – the most enjoyably portions of the film, however, are when Billy explores the mechanics and limits of his newfound superpowers with his new foster brother Freddy Freeman (It Chapter 1’s Jack Dylan Glazer), a consistently hilarious riot of bad behaviour, wanton (often accidental) destruction and perfectly-observed character development, the blissful culmination of a gleefully anarchic sense of humour that, until recently, has been rather lacking in the DCEU but which is writ large in bright, wacky primary colours right through this film. Sure, there are darker moments, particularly when Sivana sets loose his fantastic icky brood of semi-corporeal monsters, and these scenes are handled with seasoned skill by director David F. Sandberg, who cut his teeth on ingenious little horror gem Lights Out (following up with Annabelle: Creation, but we don’t have to dwell on that), but for the most part the film is played for laughs, thrills and pure, unadulterated FUN, almost never taking itself too seriously, essentially intended to do for the DCEU what Guardians of the Galaxy and Ant-Man did for the MCU, and a huge part of its resounding success must of course be attributed to the universally willing cast. Eugene Levy’s so ridiculously pumped-up he almost looks like a special effect all on his own, but he’s lost none of his razor-sharp comic ability, perfectly encapsulating a teenage boy in a grown man’s body, while his chemistry with genuine little comedic dynamo Glazer is simply exquisite, a flawless balance shared with Angel, who similarly excels at the humour but also delivers quality goods in some far more serious moments too, while the rest of Billy’s newfound family are all brilliant, particularly ridiculously adorable newcomer Faithe Herman as precocious little motor-mouth Darla; Djimon Hounsou, meanwhile, adds significant class and gravitas to what could have been a cartoonish Gandalf spoof, and Mark Strong, as usual, gives great bad guy as Sivana, providing just the right amount of malevolent swagger and self-important smirk to proceedings without ever losing sight of the deeper darkness within.  All round, this is EXACTLY the kind of expertly crafted superhero package we’ve come to appreciate in the genre, another definite shot in the arm for the DCEU that holds great hope for the future of the franchise, and some of the biggest fun I had at the cinema this past year.  Granted, it’s still not a patch on the MCU, but the quality gap finally seems to be closing …

16.  ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL – y’know, there was a time when James Cameron was quite a prolific director, who could be counted upon to provide THE big event pic of the blockbuster season. These days, we’re lucky to hear from him once a decade, and now we don’t even seem to be getting that – the dream project Cameron’s been trying to make since the end of the 90s, a big live action adaptation of one of my favourite mangas of all time, Gunnm (or Battle Angel Alita to use its more well-known sobriquet) by Yukito Kishiro, has FINALLY arrived, but it isn’t the big man behind the camera here since he’s still messing around with his intended FIVE MOVIE Avatar arc.  That said, he made a damn good choice of proxy to bring his vision to fruition – Robert Rodriguez is, of course, a fellow master of action cinema, albeit one with a much more quirky style, and this adap is child’s play to him, the creator of the El Mariachi trilogy and co-director of Frank Miller’s Sin City effortlessly capturing the dark, edgy life-and-death danger and brutal wonder of Kishiro’s world in moving pictures.  300 years after the Earth was decimated in a massive war with URM (the United Republics of Mars) known as “the Fall”, only one bastion of civilization remains – Iron City, a sprawling, makeshift community of scavengers that lies in the shadow of the floating city of Zalem, home of Earth’s remaining aristocracy.  Dr. Dyson Ido (Christoph Waltz) runs a clinic in Iron City customising and repairing the bodies of its cyborg citizens, from the mercenary “hunter killers” to the fast-living players of Motorball (a kind of supercharged mixture of Rollerball and Death Race), one day discovering the wrecked remains of a female ‘borg in the junkyard of scrap accumulated beneath Zalem.  Finding her human brain is still alive, he gives her a new chassis and christens her Alita, raising her as best he can as she attempts to piece together her mysterious, missing past, only for them both to discover that the truth of her origins has the potential to tear their fragile little world apart forever. The Maze Runner trilogy’s Rosa Salazar is the heart and soul of the film as Alita (originally Gally in the comics), perfectly bringing her (literal) wide-eyed innocence and irrepressible spirit to life, as well as proving every inch the diminutive badass fans have been expecting – while her overly anime-styled look might have seemed a potentially jarring distraction in the trailers, Salazar’s mocap performance is SO strong you’ve forgotten all about it within the first five minutes, convinced she’s a real, flesh-and-metal character – and she’s well supported by an exceptional ensemble cast both new and well-established.  Waltz is the most kind and sympathetic he’s been since Django Unchained, instilling Ido with a worldly warmth and gentility that makes him a perfect mentor/father-figure, while Spooksville star Keean Johnson makes a VERY impressive big screen breakthrough as Hugo, the streetwise young dreamer with a dark secret that Alita falls for in a big way, Jennifer Connelly is icily classy as Ido’s ex-wife Chiren, Mahershala Ali is enjoyably suave and mysterious as the film’s nominal villain, Vector, an influential but seriously shady local entrepreneur with a major hidden agenda, and a selection of actors shine through the CGI in various strong mocap performances, such as Deadpool’s Ed Skrein, Derek Mears, From Dusk Til Dawn’s Eiza Gonzalez and a thoroughly unrecognisable but typically awesome Jackie Earle Haley.  As you’d expect from Rodriguez, the film delivers BIG TIME on the action front, unleashing a series of spectacular set-pieces that peak with Alita’s pulse-pounding Motorball debut, but there’s a pleasingly robust story under all the thrills and wow-factor, riffing on BIG THEMES and providing plenty of emotional power, especially in the heartbreaking character-driven climax – Cameron, meanwhile, has clearly maintained strict control over the project throughout, his eye and voice writ large across every scene as we’re thrust headfirst into a fully-immersive post-apocalyptic, rusty cyberpunk world as thoroughly fleshed-out as Avatar’s Pandora, but most importantly he’s still done exactly what he set out to do, paying the utmost respect to a cracking character as he brings her to vital, vivid life on the big screen.  Don’t believe the detractors – this is a MAGNIFICENT piece of work that deserves all the recognition it can muster, perfectly set up for a sequel that I fear we may never get to see.  Oh well, at least it’s renewed my flagging hopes for a return to Pandora …

15.  AD ASTRA – last century, making a space exploration movie after 2001: A Space Odyssey was a pretty tall order. THIS century, looks like it’s trying to follow Chris Nolan’s Interstellar – love it or hate it, you can’t deny that particular epic space opera for the IMAX crowd is a REALLY tough act to follow.  At first glance, then, writer-director James Gray (The Yards, We Own the Night) is an interesting choice to try, at least until you consider his last feature – he may be best known for understated, gritty little crime thrillers, but I was most impressed by 2016’s ambitious period biopic The Lost City of Z, which focused on the groundbreaking career of pioneering explorer Percy Fawcett, and couldn’t have been MORE about the indomitable spirit of discovery if it tried.  His latest shares much of the same DNA, albeit presented in a VERY different package, as we’re introduced to a more expansive Solar System of the near future, in which humanity has begun to colonize our neighbouring worlds and is now pushing its reach beyond our own star’s light in order to discover what truly lies beyond the void of OUTER space.  Brad Pitt stars as Major Roy McBride, a career astronaut whose whole life has been defined by growing up in the shadow of his father, H. Clifford McBride (Tommy Lee Jones), a true pioneer who led an unprecedented expedition to the orbit of our furthest neighbour, Neptune, in order to search for signs of intelligent life beyond our solar system, only for the whole mission to go quiet for the past sixteen years.  Then a mysterious, interplanetary power surge throws the Earth into chaos, and Roy must travel farther than he’s ever gone before in order to discover the truth behind the source of the pulse – his father’s own ill-fated Lima Project … this is a very different beast from Interstellar, a much more introspective, stately affair, revelling in its glacial pacing and emphasis on character motivation over plot, but it’s no less impressive from a visual, visceral standpoint – Gray and cinematographer Hoyt van Hoytema (who, interestingly, ALSO shot Interstellar, along with Nolan’s Dunkirk and his upcoming feature Tenet) certainly make space look truly EPIC, crafting astonishing visuals that deserve to be seen on the big screen (or at the very least on the best quality HDTV you can find).  There’s also no denying the quality of the writing, Gray weaving an intricate story that reveals far greater depth and complexity than can be seen at first glance, while Roy’s palpable “thought-process” voiceover puts us right into the head of the character as we follow him across the endless void on a fateful journey into a cosmic Heart of Darkness.  There is, indeed, a strong sense of Apocalypse Now to proceedings, with the younger McBride definitely following a similar path to Martin Sheen’s ill-fated captain as he travels “up-river” to find his Colonel Kurtz-esque father, and the performances certainly match the heft of the material – there’s an impressive collection of talent on offer in a series of top-quality supporting turns, Jones being just the icing on the cake in the company of Donald Sutherland, Liv Tyler, John Ortiz and Preacher’s Ruth Negga, but the undeniable driving force of the film is Pitt, his cool, laconic control hiding uncharted depths of emotional turmoil as he’s forced to call every choice into question.  It’s EASILY one of the finest performances of his career to date, just one of the MANY great selling points in a film that definitely deserves to be remembered as one of the all-time sci-fi greats of the decade. An absolute masterpiece, then, but does it stand tall in comparison to Interstellar?  I should say so …

14.  BRIGHTBURN – torpedoing Crawl right out of the water in the summer, this refreshing, revisionist superhero movie takes one of the most classic mythologies in the genre and turns it on its head in true horror style.  The basic premise is an absolute blinder – what if, when he crashed in small-town America as a baby, Superman had turned out to be a bad seed?  Unsurprising, then, that it came from James Gunn, who here produces a screenplay by his brother and cousin Brian and Mark Gunn (best known for penning the likes of Journey 2: the Mysterious Island, but nobody’s perfect) and the directorial big break of his old mate David Yarovesky (whose only previous feature is obscure sci-fi horror The Hive) – Gunn is, of course, an old pro at taking classic comic book tropes and creating something completely new with them, having previously done so with HUGE success on cult indie black comedy Super and, in particular, Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy movies, and his fingerprints are ALL OVER this one too.  The Hunger Games’ Elizabeth Banks (who starred in Gunn’s own directorial debut Slither) and David Denman (The Office) are Tori and Kyle Breyer, a farming couple living in Brightburn, Kansas, who are trying for a baby when a mysterious pod falls from the sky onto their land, containing an infant boy.  As you’d expect, they adopt him, determined to keep his origin a secret, and for the first twelve years of his life all seems perfectly fine – Brandon’s growing up into an intelligent, artistic child who loves his family. Then his powers manifest and he starts to change – not just physically (he’s impervious to harm, incredibly strong, has laser eyes and the ability to disrupt electronic devices … oh, and he can fly, too), but also in personality, as he becomes cold, distant, even cruel as he begins to demonstrate some seriously sociopathic tendencies.  As his parents begin to fear what he’s becoming, things begin to spiral out of control and people start to disappear or turn up brutally murdered, and it becomes clear that Brandon might actually be something out of a nightmare … needless to say this is superhero cinema as full-on horror, Brandon’s proclivities leading to some proper nasty moments once he really starts to cut loose, and there’s no mistaking this future super for one of the good guys – he pulverises bones, shatters faces and melts skulls with nary a twitch, just the tiniest hint of a smile.  It’s an astonishing performance from newcomer Jackson A. Dunn, who perfectly captures the nuanced subtleties as Brandon goes from happy child to lethal psychopath, clearly demonstrating that he’s gonna be an incredible talent in future; the two grown leads, meanwhile, are both excellent, Denman growing increasingly haunted and exasperated as he tries to prove his own son is a wrong ‘un, while Banks has rarely been better, perfectly embodying a mother desperately wanting to belief the best of her son no matter how compelling the evidence becomes, and there’s quality support from Breaking Bad’s Matt Jones and Search Party’s Meredith Hagner as Brandon’s aunt and uncle, Noah and Meredith, and Becky Wahlstrom as the mother of one of his school-friends, who seems to see him for what he really is right from the start.  Dark, suspenseful and genuinely nasty, this is definitely not your typical superhero movie, often playing like Kick-Ass’ deeply twisted cousin, and there are times when it displays some of the same edgy, black-hearted sense of humour, too.  In other words, it’s all very James Gunn. It’s one sweet piece of work, everyone involved showing real skill and devotion, and Yarovesky in particular proves he’ll definitely be one-to-watch in the future.  There are already plans for a potential sequel, and given where this particular little superhero universe seems to be heading I think it could be something pretty special, so fair to say I can’t wait.

13.  STAR WARS EPISODE IX: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER – wow, this one’s proven particularly divisive, hasn’t it? And I thought The Last Jedi caused a stir … say what you will about Rian Johnson’s previous entry in the juggernaut science fiction saga, while it certainly riled up the hardcore fanbase it was at least well-received by the critics, not to mention myself, who found it refreshing and absolutely ingenious after the crowd-pleasing simplicity of JJ Abrams’ admittedly still thoroughly brilliant The Force Awakens.  After such radical experimentation, Abrams’ return to the director’s chair can’t help feeling a bit like desperate backpedalling in order to sooth a whole lot of seriously ruffled feathers, and I’ll admit that, on initial viewing, I couldn’t help feeling just a touch cheated given what might have been if similarly offbeat, experimentally-minded filmmaker Colin Trevorrow (Safety Not Guaranteed, Jurassic World) had stayed on board to helm the picture.  Then I got home, thought about it for a bit and it started to grow on me, before a second viewing helped me to reconcile all everything that bugged me first time around, seemingly the same things that have, perversely, ruffled so many more feathers THIS TIME.  This doesn’t feel like a retcon job, no matter what some might think – new developments in the story that might feel like whitewash actually do make sense once you think about them, and the major twists actually work when viewed within the larger, overarching storyline.  Not that I’m willing to go into any kind of detail here, mind you – this is a spoiler-free zone, thank you very much.  Suffice to say, the honour of the saga has in no way been besmirched by Abrams and his co-writer Chris Terrio (sure, he worked on Batman V Superman and Justice League, but he also wrote Argo), the final film ultimately standing up very well indeed alongside its trilogy contemporaries, and still MILES ABOVE anything we got in George Lucas’ decidedly second-rate prequels.  The dangling plot strands from The Last Jedi certainly get tied up with great satisfaction, particularly the decidedly loaded drama of new Jedi Rey (Daisy Ridley) and troubled First Order Supreme Leader Kylo Ren/Ben Solo (Adam Driver), while the seemingly controversial choice of reintroducing Ian McDiarmid’s fantastically monstrous Emperor Palpatine as the ultimate big bad ultimately works out spectacularly well, a far cry from any perceived botched fan-service.  Everyone involved was clearly working at the height of their powers – Ridley and Driver are EXCEPTIONAL, both up-and-coming young leads truly growing into the their roles, while co-stars John Boyega and Oscar Isaac land a pleasingly meaty chunk of the story to finally get to really explore that fantastic chemistry they teased on The Last Jedi, and Carrie Fisher gets a truly MAGNIFICENT send off in the role that defined her as the incomparable General Leia Organa (one which it’s still heartbreaking she never quite got to complete); other old faces, meanwhile, return in fun ways, from Anthony Daniels’ C-3PO FINALLY getting to play a PROPER role in the action again to a brilliant supporting flourish from the mighty Billy Dee Williams as the Galaxy-Far-Far-Away’s own King of Cool, Lando Calrissian, while there’s a wealth of strong new faces here too, such as Lady Macbeth’s Naomie Ackie as rookie rebel Jannah, Richard E. Grant as suitably slimy former-Imperial First Order bigshot Allegiant General Pryde, The Americans’ Keri Russell as tough smuggler Zorii Bliss and Lord of the Rings star Dominic Monaghan as Resistance tech Beaumont Kin.  As fans have come to expect, Abrams certainly doesn’t skim on the spectacle, delivering bombastic thrill-ride set-pieces that yet again set the benchmark for the year’s action stakes (particularly in the blistering mid-picture showdown between Rey and Kylo among the wave-lashed remains of Return of the Jedi’s blasted Death Star) and awe-inspiring visuals that truly boggle the mind with their sheer beauty and complexity, but he also injects plenty of the raw emotion, inspired character work, knowing humour and pure, unadulterated geeky FUN he’s so well known for.  In conclusion, then, this is MILES AWAY from the clunky, compromised mess it’s been labelled as in some quarters, ultimately still very much in keeping with the high standards set by its trilogy predecessors and EVERY INCH a proper, full-blooded Star Wars movie.  Ultimately, Rogue One remains THE BEST of the big screen run since Lucas’ Original Trilogy, but this one still emerges as a Force to be reckoned with …

12.  JOKER – no-one was more wary than me when it was first announced that DC and Warner Bros. were going to make a standalone, live-action movie centred entirely around Batman’s ultimate nemesis, the Joker, especially with it coming hot on the heels of Jared Leto’s thoroughly polarizing portrayal in Suicide Squad.  More so once it was made clear that this WOULD NOT be part of the studio’s overarching DC Extended Universe cinematic franchise, which was FINALLY starting to find its feet – then what’s the point? I found myself asking.  I should have just sat back and gone with it, especially since the finished product would have made me eat a big slice of humble pie had I not already been won over once the trailers started making the rounds.  This is something new, different and completely original in the DC cinematic pantheon, even if it does draw major inspiration from Alan Moore’s game-changing DC comics mini-series The Killing Joke – a complete standalone origin story for one of our most enduring villains, re-imagined as a blistering, bruising psychological thriller examining what can happen to a man when he’s pushed far beyond the brink by terrible circumstance, societal neglect and crippling mental illness. Joaquin Phoenix delivers the performance of his career as Arthur Fleck, a down-at-heel clown-for-hire struggling to launch a career as a stand-up-comic (badly hampered by the fact that he’s just not funny) while suffering from an acute dissociative condition and terrible attacks of pathological laughter at moments of heightened stress – the actor lost 52 pounds of weight to become a horrifically emaciated scarecrow painfully reminiscent of Christian Bale’s similar preparation for his acclaimed turn in The Machinist, and frequently contorts himself into seemingly impossible positions that prominently accentuate the fact.  Fleck is a truly pathetic creature, thoroughly put-upon by a pitiless society that couldn’t care less about him, driven by inner demons and increasingly compelling dark thoughts to act out in increasingly desperate, destructive ways that ultimately lead him to cross lines he just can’t come back from, and Phoenix gives his all in every scene, utterly mesmerising even when his character commits some truly heinous acts.  Certainly he dominates the film, but then there are plenty of winning supporting turns from a universally excellent cast to bolster him along, from Zazie Beetz as an impoverished young mother Arthur bonds with and Frances Conroy (Six Feet Under, American Horror Story) as Arthur’s decidedly fragile mother Penny to Brett Cullen (The Thorn Birds, Lost) as a surprisingly unsympathetic Thomas Wayne (the philanthropic father of future Batman Bruce Wayne), while Robert De Niro himself casts a very long shadow indeed as Murray Franklin, a successful comedian and talk show host that Arthur idolizes, a character intentionally referential to his role in The King of Comedy.  Indeed, Martin Scorsese’s influence is writ large throughout the entire film, reinforced by the choice to set the film in a 1981-set Gotham City which feels very much like the crumbling New York of Mean Streets or Taxi Driver.  This is a dark, edgy, grim and unflinchingly BRUTAL film, frequently difficult to watch as Arthur is driven further into a blazing psychological hell by his increasingly stricken life, but addictively, devastatingly compelling all the same, impossible to turn away from even in the truly DEVASTATING final act.  Initially director Todd Phillips seemed like a decidedly odd choice for the project, hailing as he does from a predominantly comedy-based filmmaking background (most notably Due Date and The Hangover trilogy), but he’s actually a perfect fit here, finding a strangely twisted beauty in many of his compositions and a kind of almost uplifting transcendence in his subject’s darkest moments, while his screenwriting collaboration with Scott Silver (8 Mile, The Fighter) means that the script is as rich as it can be, almost overflowing with brilliant ideas and rife with biting social commentary which is even more relevant today than in the period in which it’s set.  Intense, gripping, powerful and utterly devastating, this truly is one of the best films of 2019.  If this was a purely critical Top 30 this would have placed in the Top 5, guaranteed …

11.  FAST & FURIOUS PRESENTS HOBBS & SHAW – summer 2019’s most OTT movie was some of THE MOST FUN I had at the cinema all year, a genuinely batshit crazy, pure bonkers rollercoaster ride of a film I just couldn’t get enough of, the perfect sum of all its baffling parts.  The Fast & Furious franchise has always revelled in its extremes, subtle as a brick and very much playing to the blockbuster, popcorn movie crowd right from the start, but it wasn’t until Fate of the Furious (yup, the ridiculous title says it all) that it really started to play to the inherent ridiculousness of its overall setup, paving the way for this first crack at a new spin-off series sans-Vin Diesel.  Needless to say this one fully embraces the ludicrousness, with director David Leitch the perfect choice to shepherd it into the future, having previously mastered OTT action through John Wick and Atomic Blonde before helming manic screwball comedy Deadpool 2, which certainly is the strongest comparison point here – Hobbs & Shaw is every bit as loud, violent, chaotic and thoroughly irreverent, definitely playing up the inherent comic potential at the core of the material as he cranks up the humour.  Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham take centre stage as, respectively, DSS agent Luke Hobbs and former SAS black operative Deckard Shaw, the ultimate action movie odd couple once again forced to work together to foil the bad guy and save the world from a potentially cataclysmic disaster.  Specifically Brixton Lore (Idris Elba), a self-proclaimed “black superman” enhanced with cybernetic implants and genetic manipulation to turn him into the ultimate warrior, who plans to use a lethal designer supervirus to eradicate half of humanity (as supervillains tend to do), but there’s one small flaw in his plan – the virus has been stolen by Hattie Shaw (Mission: Impossible – Fallout’s Vanessa Kirby), a rogue MI6 agent who also happens to be Deckard’s sister.  Got all that?  Yup, the movie really is as mad as it sounds, but that’s part of the charm – there’s an enormous amount of fun to be had in just giving in and going along with the madness as Hobbs and the two Shaws bounce from one overblown, ludicrously destructive set-piece to the next, kicking plenty of arse along the way when they’re not jumping out of tall buildings or driving fast cars at ludicrous speeds in heavy traffic, and when they’re not doing that they’re bickering with enthusiasm, each exchange crackling with exquisite hate-hate chemistry and liberally laced with hilarious dialogue delivered with gleeful, fervent venom (turns out there’s few things so enjoyable as watching Johnson and Statham verbally rip each other a new one), and the two action cinema heavyweights have never been better than they are here, each bringing the very best performances of their respective careers out of each other as they vacillate, while Kirby holds her own with consummate skill that goes to show she’s got a bright future of her own.  As for Idris Elba, the one-time potential future Bond deserves to be remembered as one of the all-time great screen villains ever, investing Brixton with the perfect combination of arrogant swagger and lethal menace to steal every scene he’s in while simultaneously proving he can be just as big a badass in the action stakes; Leitch also scatters a selection of familiar faces from his previous movies throughout a solid supporting cast which also includes the likes of Fear the Walking Dead’s Cliff Curtis, From Dusk Till Dawn’s Eiza Gonzalez and Helen Mirren (who returns as Deckard and Hattie’s mum Queenie Shaw), while there’s more than one genuinely brilliant surprise cameo to enjoy. As we’ve come to expect, the action sequences are MASSIVE, powered by nitrous oxide and high octane as property is demolished and vehicles are driven with reckless abandon when our protagonists aren’t engaged in bruising, bone-crunching fights choreographed with all the flawless skill you’d expect from a director who used to be a professional stuntman, but this time round the biggest fun comes from the downtime, as the aforementioned banter becomes king.  It’s an interesting makeover for the franchise, going from heavyweight action stalwart to comedy gold, and it’s a direction I hope they’ll maintain for the inevitable follow-up – barring Fast Five, this is THE BEST Fast & Furious to date, and a strong indicator of how it should go to keep conquering multiplexes in future.  Sign me up for more, please.

[shyvioletcat]

Kingdom of Ash Tour Sydney

Oh my gosh, I’m sorry this took so long. My notes were much more extensive than I thought and then just a lot of poor time management. Anyway, here it is.

A few choice bits of information/quotes:

“Being a dork pays off you guys. Who knew?”

Says Melbourne like a local

Loves our coffee. Says she’s moving here because of it.

Advice to aspiring writers: find someone to share your work with. Giving and getting feedback teaches you so much. Gives you a form of community.

Got into writing because it’s what she loves and it makes her come alive like nothing else does.

Music plays a Huge part in her creative process

Daily writing schedule. Plays with Taran then about 930/10 she starts. Gets admin stuff done first 9-8 job.

Nothing compares to sitting down and writing a scene she’s wanted to write for years and years. Describes it as time stopping and the closest thing to magic, at least for her.

Had a question about her creative circle for bouncing ideas around and talking about her stories. Sarah didn’t talk to her family about her stories at all when she was younger. Doesn’t like her parents reading her books. She referred back to writing ACOTAR and she asked the audience “do you know what it’s like to write an on the page sex scene knowing my father was going to read this?” Said it took her about three glasses of wine to deal with it.

About her dad reading said scenes: He said “I just skip those scenes.” Sarah’s reply “I’ll do you one better. I’ll just rip those pages out.” Then she talked how it was much worse when ACOMAF came out the next year.

Josh has become her creative sounding board over the last few years. He reads the early drafts of Crescent City and lets Sarah ramble to him for hours. She thinks it’s really cute they get to do that.

He thinks he’s every love interest in all her books. At events people ask if he’s what Rhys was modelled from. Josh will say yes. Sarah was very adamantly said it was a no.

Fellow writers help her from looking like a complete idiot. In particular Lynette Noni. Calls her a secret Disney Princess. Has become her can’t live without critique partner.

She said don’t listen to the people who say writing is a dumb dream. But said it’s a long long road to getting published but not impossible. “Don’t ever listen to the haters man.”

Her parents were always incredibly supportive. Her mum would leave snacks outside her door so she wouldn’t disturb her while she wrote

When her parents told her that she needed a job to support herself Sarah didn’t want to listen. But she said they were ultimately right because there are no guarantees in publishing. One of her favourite moments is when she became a New York Times best seller and she got to call and tell her parents. The first thing her mum said was she regretted telling Sarah to be realistic about the expectations of yourself. But Sarah was adamant they were right.

She thanked us and got quite emotional. Thanked us for supporting her books, she was walking around Sydney harbour and thought to herself how lucky I am to do this for a living.

Someone from the audience screamed “I love you” she said “I love you too, I love you all so much” (insert my hysterical tears). She couldn’t express how much she appreciates everything we all have done for her and her family, the fact we have allowed her to live out her dreams. “Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this being the loveliest group of people I’ve ever had the honour to meet”. SHE LOVES US.

Crescent city

Doesn’t think her parents can read a single page of crescent city. Joking, it’s every other page. Started as excess creative energy, a real passion project. 

Describes it as taking the ToG/ACOTAR worlds and jumping ahead over 3000 years to where they have modern technologies and comforts. Magical creatures living together in complex hierarchies. Feels different because of the modern setting but has familiar aspects, e.g. snarky sassy heroines and brooding sexy muscled men. Says there are so many. So many.

Josh: “why are there so many attractive men in this book?” Sarah “because it’s a fantasy. FAN-TA-SY.”

No real defined plot yet.

Knew it was the story she wanted to tell because of an experience on a plane. Sarah was listening to a piece of music and saw a scene play out and she burst into tears. She didn’t know the characters or how they got there. The scene will be in the first book and is like THE MAJOR BIG SCENE. Kept thinking of that moment of creation and how much it overwhelmed her and that was the deciding factor that that was the next story she needed to tell.

World of Throne of Glass

World of Throne of Glass. Started off as an encyclopaedia. It will be a chronicle that exists in world and Sarah describes it like going into the library of Orynth and pulling it off the shelf. The premise of the book is that Aelin has hired this cranky old scholar to travel around all the kingdoms/continents and includes the travel logs, transcripts from interviews with the characters, insight into how they felt, letters between characters. The book itself is like the the Terrasen courts private copy so it has letters between characters. Glimpses into the future.

BUT THIS MEANS IT WILL COME OUT LATER

ALSO SAID THERE ARE POCKETS OF HISTORY SHE REALLY WANTS TO FILL IN AND THERE’S ALSO LOTS OF STORIES THAT MAYBE ONE DAY SHE MIGHT WANT TO TELL SHE JUST NEEDS TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT. SORRY I’M JUST REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

Throne of Glass/ACOTAR

The idea of Throne of Glass came to her when she was 15/16 years old. Gripped her like no other story had. Throne of glass has a special place in her heart because it’s what started her on this journey.

Sarah was changing Kingdom of Ash right up the very last minute.

Mystery questions from the lobby:

What would happen if all your villains met?

The thought of Maeve and Amarantha gave her chills to think about. Would they rip each other to shreds or form and unholy alliance? Undecided.

Did you cry during the writing of the final book? If so which moments?

Number one scene. The Thirteen. 

Gave lots of details about when Manon first appeared, a piece of music from the Fright Night remake was playing and she saw the cottage scene play out. She saw Manon disembowel the farmers and how her teeth and claws came out and just thought “I love you”.

Loved witches since she was little because she realised witches were often women with power when women weren’t allowed to have power.

Sarah went to the mat for Manon. She hadn’t sold the rest of the books, only up to Heir of Fire. Writing about Manon gave Sarah her courage and came into her life when she needed her attitude. She said “Over my dead effing body” when editor said to cut Manon.

Sarah listened to a song from the original star wars and that was when she saw the sacrifice of the Thirteen. She needed to have Manon start where she did in Heir of Fire so when we all got to the scene in Kingdom of Ash is would really hit us strongly as it had hit Sarah for the first time. Sarah was sobbing at her desk when she saw them making their final run. She saw then Manon screaming and begging them to to stop because she realised she had a heart and loved them.

Sarah said she needed to lie down afterwards, she considered a happy ending for a moment, but then she thought about how the ladies never get to make the big heroic sacrifice and she really wanted the Thirteen to make the badass sacrifice and she wanted to make that moment when their exploding with light and not darkness absolutely destroyed Sarah.

Happier scene is the last goodbye between the main three, sobbing so hard. Really ugly crying not Frodo crying nicely at the end of The Return of the King, but bodily fluids spraying everywhere. So many tears.

Sarah would also get super amped up. Example: When Elide saves Lorcan she got so amped up she literally straddled her chair like she was riding a horse. (She re-enacted it on stage too). Then it was just more ladies were doing their badass thing like:

as Aelin flies down on the bird and explodes and destroys the wave and then Rowan is like that steam is going to boil every one like lobsters, got to get rid of that.

When Aelin makes her run and Lorcan sees her and he’s crying, you know if Lorcan’s crying some intense shit is going down

Then when Aelin is trying to get the mask off. That hit Sarah hit her so hard, didn’t expect it. Felt physically ill writing it. It was one of the few times Aelin was unhinged and in a panic. Seeing Aelin in a panic out Sarah in a panic.

Aelin has been like a person to Sarah and has carried Sarah through a lot of hard stuff. Sarah has said to herself “my name is Sarah J Maas and I will not be afraid”

Would say “What would Aelin do?” to give herself that swagger. Any time Aelin is in pain Sarah was in pain and would be like “My baby my baby! Let me help you”. 

Such a joy to write. Aelin was telling her and showing Sarah where to go.

ABOUT THE ENDING OF KINGDOM OF ASH: Travelling in Costa Rico to a rainforest exists at cloud level. (Side note from Sarah: Vote for the environment! Do it for the golden toad). One of the most beautiful places she has ever been. Sitting in the backseat listening to music from John Carter of Mars. Sun broke through the clouds and lit up the mountains and Sarah heard the last line of Kingdom of Ash about the kingsflame blooming and she knew what the last line was and that’s what she wanted to get to. She starting crying (surprise surprise) didn’t want to tell her travelling companions so she lied and said she was crying because the view was so beautiful. Writing with Aelin at the helm guaranteed her nothing. Aelin did it though, she stuck to Sarah’s plans and Sarah got the ending she wanted.

Call out from the audience about Gavriel. Uproar from the audience. “Why did you do that!?” “Why would I do that? Because I’m a horrible person.” Any time a hot guy full of muscles dies it’s a sad day. Poor Aedion. “It would have been so hot! Not in a weird way! The two of them hanging out, the lion and the wolf and oh my heart... you mean I have no heart, that’s what you’re thinking.” Evil cackle.

Who of all your characters do you see sitting in a rocking chair and knitting and telling their grandchildren the wildest stories in their old age?

Throne of Glass. Dorian. Don’t know why.

ACOTAR world would 1000% be Cassian. Nessian book will come out after Crescent City. She started it just for fun, hadn’t planned to write last ACOWAR. Sarah was out to lunch with her editor and got a little drunk and pitched her other books, but then forgot. Agent called a few weeks later telling her the editor wants to buy these books.

She literally doesn’t have the time to get all the stories she wants out of her. Wishes she had Hermione’s time turner.

So that’s it. Again, sorry it took me so long. Sarah was so lovely and I still can’t believe I got to see her in person. There’s a lot I took away from her talk for myself, mainly just how adamant she was about being yourself is the way to go. We’re better off when we’re true to ourselves and love the tings we love without feeling bad for it. 

[zdbztumble]

So What to do About it? (KH III Spoilers)

Complain about something enough, and you may end up hearing from somebody: “well, what would you have done differently?” No one’s asked me that about Kingdom Hearts III, but I’m bored at work and eager to dodge emotional problems, so that’s what we’re getting into tonight, kids!

Note: I’m going to limit myself to changes I would make to KH III only. A number of its problems are the culmination of trends begun much earlier in the series, particularly DDD, but I don’t want to get into hypothetical changes to five different games, none of which were as flawed in degree, or as painful an experience as the story of KH III was.

To start out with, the first change I would make to KH III would be to make cuts. A lot of cuts. Because there’s a lot in the story of this game that didn’t need to be there. On the chopping block would be:

- Maleficent. She’s my favorite Disney villain, and I love her role within the KH series, but Maleficent (and Pete) had no role in this story. A tease at a potential future game and a promotion of KH UX are no reason to include a character. And, if a character - even a favorite one - has no good reason to be in a story, they shouldn’t be.

- Roxas, Xion, and Namine. Again, they have no real role to play in this story. Namine doesn’t do anything except summon the Lingering Will (and we’ll get to that), Roxas isn’t needed to complete the roster of Seven Lights, and the whole point of Xion’s tragic death was that she was gone for good. She comes back into the story from nowhere, while Roxas and Namine are only present to give Sora and Kairi some semblance of a quest in the front half of the story; they both want to find a way to let their Nobodies live as real people outside of their hearts. But Sora and Kairi didn’t need any additional motivation to do things in this story, because they’re already motivated by the far more consequential goal of stopping Xehanort on a macro level, and by the desire to keep each other safe on the micro level (as poorly reintroduced as that idea was.) They also have very little (and in Kairi’s case, no) role in restoring their Nobodies in the game as-is.

The idea that these characters could, or at least deserved to, exist as their own persons was first introduced in DDD, but it was presented as more of a desire on Sora’s part than something that could practically be done. There wasn’t a wealth of build-up to this idea in previous games that needed to be paid off. And as I’ve said before, Roxas and Namine choosing to return to Sora and Kairi, no longer existing as themselves but as a part of their true selves, was a wonderfully bittersweet aspect of KH II and a noble sacrifice on their part. Even with the stupid retcons concerning Nobodies and hearts pulled by DDD, that sacrifice is still valid, and Roxas, Namine, and Xion all remain distinct enough from other Nobodies and replicas that their choices and losses remain valid. Without any good reason to undermine that sacrifice, it shouldn’t be.

That said, while I would cut their revivals and presence in the larger plot, I would make use of them in the game...but we’ll get to that later.

- Ienzo and the other ex-Organizers. If Roxas and Namine go, then these guys might as well too. Ienzo is the only one who actually functions in the plot, and other than researching means to restore former Nobodies, he has no role to play. Any residual exposition that he gave out could be given to other characters. I would cut Ansem the Wise as well, but secret endings of previous games and my self-imposed rule mean he has to stay.

- Demyx. Again, without Roxas, he has no role to play. Vexen’s role would also change significantly, but...well, we’ll come back to that.

- Riku and Mickey updating their Keyblades. What was wrong with their old ones? And what value does the idea of re-charging Keyblades, or arbitrarily getting a hold of new ones, bring to the table?

- The mystery girl. Both of them. When it comes to Nameless Star - I do not care about Marluxia’s long-lost sister. There is no bottom to the well of how little I care about the pasts of any of the Organizers, especially any that tie into KH UX. If you do, then more power to you, but a game that’s meant to be the culmination of so many stories does not have the time or space to tease something like this. Leave it in the mobile game.

Subject X is a trickier issue. When that idea first came up via Ansem and “Ansem,” I thought they might be talking about Kairi, and that the story might finally be at least hinting at something of her past. It took me until last night to realize it, but Kairi’s past is the one plot point directly tied into Xehanort’s schemes that isn’t resolved in KH II. When Xion finally appeared, my first thought was that all the talk about a girl with no memory was actually about her all along, which I could’ve figured out wasn’t the case even before getting the Secret Reports if I’d thought about it for more than a minute. But that the mystery girl is actually a character who has never before been mentioned or had any role in the plot, and is probably yet another reference to KH UX, is absolutely ridiculous. If it wasn’t bad enough that Kairi’s past is going to be left unexplored, a key detail of it - that she was in some way a victim of Xehanort’s experiments before turning up on Destiny Islands - is re-purposed for another character who does not matter to this story.

I would be sorely tempted to modify this material so that the mystery girl who the Ansems discuss actually is Kairi. If this game really is the end to the Xehanort saga, and Kairi’s past is directly tied to Xehanort, it’s the last chance to get into it. But even if the story saw all the cuts I suggest here through, it would still be a very crowded story tasked with paying off a very complicated plot. So unfortunately, if we’re assuming that every other game in the series stays the same as it is, Kairi’s past is still a casualty of poor decisions in those earlier games. The mystery girl material gets cut - completely.

- Chirithy. He’s cute. He’s also not necessary. Cut him.

- Replica Riku. Repliku living inside of Riku, and Riku becoming aware of that, is the closest thing to an arc that Riku has in this game. His character arc, at least as far as the Xehanort saga is concerned, really reached its conclusion in DDD. In KH III, he remains throughout the stoic chief supporting figure to Sora and King Mickey, not counting Donald and Goofy. But I can’t say that I found that a bad role for him, or that I find him being set and constant in who he is to be a bad thing. And Repliku suddenly re-entering the story, in its finale of all times, through truly convoluted and confusing means, was just not worth it to give Riku some small measure of an arc.

- The chess frame. This put a metaphor on to the entire conflict that I didn’t like, and made the whole thing feel much smaller than it should. And, if you cut this, then you also cut...

- Eraqus. Again, the chess frame lessens the story, and Eraqus turning up to talk down Xehanort takes a lot away from the actual protagonists of the story.

Alright, so that’s everything for the chopping block, which already clears out a lot of narrative real estate. So besides what I would’ve left out, what would I have changed? Well...

- Show Kairi’s training. Axel’s too, but Kairi’s the one who’s been a main character from the beginning and started getting built up since the end of II as a Keyblade wielder. And I would have used her training as the tutorial. In the spirit of the prolonged Roxas segment of KH II, a mix of cutscenes, tutorials-as-in-time-gameplay, and tutorials-as-Dives-to-the-Heart would illustrate Kairi’s training, give some context for her thoughts and feelings (which I imagine would be an outgrowth of her expressions of wanting to be part of the adventure from the end of II), and introduce the idea of the Final World. In KH III as it is, it just sort of appears; here, Kairi could find her way there from the Dive to the Heart stained glass, and be confused and a little disturbed by what she finds. At the end of the tutorial, a cutscene could show her summarizing everything for Sora in a letter and actually sending it to him, and we’d cut over to Sora reading the letter (and conveniently, the letter carries over the choices you, the player, made as Kairi about which powers you wanted.)

- Improve Sora’s recovery. Motivating Sora’s reset to Level One by the events of DDD is one of the game’s better notions, but it’s not executed very well. Sora regains most of his abilities, in their basic form at least, within the first level, and the Power of Waking becomes an exercise in repetitive cutscenes until it suddenly needs to start working. I would spread out when Sora regains certain abilities and when he acquires new ones (though he’d get everything within the first World Map), and I would wait to bring the Power of Waking up until much later in the game, so that it isn’t hanging around the plot like an albatross. And he would get Glide some time before the Badlands.

- Multiple parties. The only Final Fantasy game that I’ve played is XIII. I don’t remember much of it, but I do remember that, at various points in the story, you control different characters. That was an ensemble cast; Kingdom Hearts is meant to be centered on Sora, and I wouldn’t make an even division of time spent with other parties. But I would give Riku and Kairi one Disney world each, and Aqua her own level. And the way I would do that is...

- Motivate the Disney worlds. III as-is is easily the worst game in the series for integrating the Disney worlds into the larger plot. This was frustrating as a failure to execute the founding concept of the series, but also because there were plenty of openings for how to integrate the worlds they chose, either through story or through character and thematic ideas. To wit:

Olympus: Admittedly, this one is motivated, by Yen Sid sending Sora off to it to try and regain strength. And, had they preserved the training/tournament angle on this world from previous games, that would have made even more sense. But I like that they went in another direction with Olympus this time, as that was rather played out. So I suppose I wouldn’t change all that much here, other than improving the dialogue, reducing the number of abilities Sora regains, and have Herc’s talk about Meg trigger some recollection of Kairi in Sora. I’d also emphasize a line from the movie: “A life without Meg would be empty.”

Twilight Town: If you cut Roxas from the game, then this world doesn’t really have much point other than the Bistro and the shops. Given that, I’d just as soon replace it with Radiant Garden as the hub world, relocating the Bistro mini-game and the 100 Acre Wood to there. Any exposition that can’t be delivered by Yen Sid, Mickey, or Chip and Dale, can be delivered from Radiant Garden by...Leon, Yuffie, Cid, and Aerith. Nomura may have been right when he said that original characters from Kingdom Hearts could take the place of these three as sources of exposition, but the fact is that Sora has more of a relationship with them than he has with the ex-Organizers that displaced them, and their presence would mean that the Final Fantasy elements of this series get some real representation. They wouldn’t have much to do; they would in essence be making cameo appearances, which I’m sure some would find unsatisfying; but those cameos would at least be justified by the story and the setting.

The Toy Box: Here is where Vexen would come into play. Have him back as a non-Norted member of Organization XIII, unrepentant, building replicas for the Xehanorts. He’s the one who put the toys in a split world, as study subjects for building his replicas. He would be the member of Organization XIII appearing in cutscenes to taunt Sora and attempt to pit the toys against each other. And he’s the boss battle in this world. That’s right; you’d actually get to fight a member of the Organization before the Keyblade Graveyard. A cutscene following his defeat could reveal that he’d obtained sufficient data from his research for the replica bodies of the various Xehanorts who need them to be perfected.

Kingdom of Corona: Here’s where the multiple parties come into play. I’d let Kairi be the one to explore this world. Let her have a Gummi ship, and be on her way back to Master Yen Sid’s from training. She can sense that there’s something wrong in the nearby world of Corona, and she and Axel can check it out. Kairi can be the one to relate to Rapunzel’s feelings about setting out into the wide world, she can recognize in Rapunzel the light of a Princess of Heart, and she can realize on her own that the Organization (via Marluxia in this case) is seeking out new princesses, as incentive for the heroes: “fight us like we want, or we go after these innocent people.” (A cutscene from another game where Yen Sid and Mickey discuss why they have to play into Xehanort’s plan wasn’t enough to clarify this point IMO, nor was the idea of “seven new lights” given enough motivation. Kill two birds with one stone here.) Kairi would also take note of Eugene’s sacrifice, and Rapunzel’s revival of him. As for what Axel would be doing here...I suppose he could hang in the background, existential about his second chance at life.

(I would hold off on Riku and Mickey’s sojourn into the Realm of Darkness until here. By mentioning one of the factions peopled with a member of the Destiny Trio but not showing it until the first World Map is complete, you can build a certain amount of suspense, and avoid the problem of Riku and Mickey’s story dragging throughout the first two acts. This would also eliminate their check-in with Yen Sid from the first World Map, and thus eliminate Sora’s check-in at the same time as well, cutting down on repetition.)

Monstropolis: Play up the fact that Vanitas is after negative energy, in particular the screams of children, more. This is one of the few things about KH III that I think could’ve done with a bit more exposition, or more specifically, exposition spaced throughout the level.

Arendelle: I would make Riku and Mickey’s retreat from the darkness a more rushed and hurried affair, so much so that they have no time to make it to Yen Sid’s and end up diving for the first world they can. That world would be Arendelle, and you’d play as Riku. That connection Sora made between Elsa’s treatment of Anna and Riku’s of him and Kairi? Riku’s the one to make that connection, and he actually talks to Elsa about it. And Elsa is your battle partner, at least for the final boss; I would probably structure it so that, after Anna’s sacrifice, the darkness overwhelms Hans, and Elsa joins you in fighting him as Skoll. In the aftermath of that, she can break down crying, revive Anna, happy ending, etc. And Riku and Mickey can deduce the same conclusion that Kairi did about the princesses - Larxene wouldn’t blurt it out. Seeing the sisters and their plight could also re-energize and re-motivate the two of them to head back to the darkness in search of Aqua.

(The cutscene after Arendelle is where I’d probably introduce the Power of Waking. Sora and Kairi would be the ones checking in with Yen Sid, Mickey and Riku heading straight back to the darkness. On the basis of what Sora saw in the Toy Box, he could also ask if it’s possible for Roxas to get a replica body of his own, and Kairi could ask the same about Namine. And Yen Sid could tell them...no. That Roxas and Namine aren’t the same as regular Nobodies, and that they chose to become a part of Sora and Kairi again. And this could have a real impact on Sora and Kairi, as it hits them that not everything can work out the way it should be, that not everyone can get a happy ending in this story at this point. And it could affect Axel by further deepening his ambivalence about his second chance, when his one friend [that he can remember] is lost forever while he lingers on, recompleted but alone.)

The Caribbean: I would re-work the adaptation of At World’s End to include more material concerning Will and Elizabeth, for thematic purposes; I want Sora to make a connection between Will’s death, and his possible future with Kairi. But I would adapt that material, and everything taken from the film, more freely than the game did as-is. I’d also cut the Kraken as a boss, and instead have Davy Jones be the opener to a Heartless-possessed Endeavor as the final boss. And instead of teasing the Black Box concept, I’d have Luxord trying to recruit Davy Jones as a Xehanort host. Jones is already a being without a heart who can walk and talk and function the way the Organizers can; why not make that connection? Jones would refuse, of course, and Luxord’s desire for the chest is to gain leverage on Jones to comply. When that whole plan fails, he sends the Endeavor against Sora and the others. And, by the end of the level, you could have a cutscene where Luxord makes his apologies to a hooded, shrouded Master Xehanort (tease him before the final level without seeing him outright), who assures him that they’ve been able to find another thirteenth.

San Fransokyo: This one is tough for me, because the further away I get from the game, the more this world baffles me with the sudden appearance of Dark Riku and all the blather about hearts and data. I suppose I’d just try to simplify things down to simple taunting; instead of talking about data, Dark Riku (revealed as the thirteenth just set up in the previous world) just wants to prove something to Sora about pain and loss, which would let that reviewer’s perceived theme about what makes a heart whole come into play.

- Overhaul on the Anti-Aqua fight. I would not have had Aqua or Ansem appear before this point in the game. Riku and Mickey’s encounter with Anti-Aqua can be her first appearance, and it can be preceded by an encounter with Ansem the Wise, warning them to turn back. When Aqua fell to the darkness is thus left as something that happened at an indeterminate time between the KH 0.2 and now, not something that arbitrarily happens right after we see her just as she normally is. Sora can still rush in to save the day, but I would change that fight so that it’s Sora and Riku together who combat Aqua, and Riku who first greets her when she awakens. Ansem would be saved from the darkness too, and take his place back at Radiant Garden, mingling with the FF characters, Merlin, and Uncle Scrooge and Little Chef.

- Yensid warns Sora. After the rescue of Ventus and the big group conference, have Yen Sid hold Sora back and explain the consequences of misusing the Power of Waking, a bit more clearly than Xehanort did in the game as-is.

- No Saix talk. In the whole “respite” sequence, I would do without Saix and Axel meeting up. If Roxas and Xion, and Subject X, aren’t here, most of that material would be rendered meaningless anyway. Instead, I would have Riku and Axel talk about being lost to darkness and about second chances. Riku would be at peace with where he’s ended up; Axel would be more ambivalent.

I would also have Riku talk to Sora and Kairi, briefly, before leaving them alone to have their moment with the paopu fruit.

- Revisiting Worlds options. From this point on, when you revisit worlds, you can choose which party you visit them as: Sora, Donald and Goofy; Riku and Mickey; Kairi and Axel; or Aqua and Ven (and later Terra.) If you visit a world as a party that didn’t visit that world, the characters there will drop some line of dialogue like “friend of Sora’s, huh? You’re welcome here.”

- Toggling against the swarm. Instead of having the group all split up, everyone takes part in fighting the massive swarm that meets them when they first land in the Badlands, and you would toggle between parties. You’d start out fighting as Sora with Donald and Goofy; at a certain point in the fight, you’d throw over to Riku and Mickey. At another point, you’d toss to Aqua and Ven, then to Kairi and Axel, finishing back with Sora to use that awesome train attack.

- Maze first, then death. A wholesale rewrite of the events surrounding the battles in this section of the game, basically. The swarm that you just finished battling as all the different parties is replaced by another swarm, of multiple Demon Towers; they just won’t stop coming. Here is where Yen Sid appears to hold them at bay, and where Donald and Goofy stay behind to help as the Keybalde wielders press on.

Our heroes are greeted by Organization XIII, who immediately raise the maze and separate the seven into smaller groups. You, the player, would jump around to each one. I would do this to give individual heroes a bit more agency in resolving their personal stories before moving on to the final resolution. Riku would defeat Dark Riku on his own; you could fight as Ven against Vanitas, and as Aqua as she (and Ven) succeed in awakening Terra (a moment in the fight triggers the Lingering Will to suddenly appear, instead of having Terra inside the Heartless); Sora could join up with Mickey to take out Luxord; and Kairi and Axel could handle Marluxia, Larxene, and Saix. (Yes, I changed the arrangements of bosses. It doesn’t matter all that much. And outside maybe Luxord and Saix, no faux-pathos at their deaths.) 

The casualties would begin in the maze. I might have Ven and Vanitas both fall, after Terra is restored, so Ven can point out that he kept his promise before fading. Axel and Saix could go down together (and I admit that’s recycling Axel dying a noble death; I don’t know what else to do with the guy.) Just to play up Xigbar’s sliminess, he could snipe Mickey as the survivors make their way through the maze, and Aqua and Terra could stay behind to fight him, giving you a turn to play as Terra; the cutscene at the end could show Terra and Aqua wounded, unable to go on. And the very next cutscene could cut back to the Disney characters holding back the swarm. Here is where Donald can use his Zetta Flare, with a much clearer need for that drastic spell on-hand to motivate it. Sora can sense Donald’s fall, and the others, as he presses on, so that he’s already angry and distressed when he, Riku, and Kairi face the three Xehanorts together. And unlike with the other Organizers, you need to beat all three before the cutscene triggers.

Said cutscene would have all the combatants exhausted as Master Xehanort declares that he has his twelve keys and just needs the one more. The heroes can declare that they won’t give him his thirteenth clash; I might give the lines for this to Riku, the one of the group who had fallen into Xehanort’s schemes in the biggest way before. But Master Xehanort jumps in to land a blow against Riku, making for the thirteenth clash with darkness. That creates the X-Blade, and Master Xehanort uses it to summon the Demon Tornado and sweep everyone left away before he turns to Kingdom Hearts. But in this case, it’s Kairi who tells Sora not to give up and is the second-to-last to get swallowed. 

- Play as Kairi in the Final World. If Kairi’s supposed to escape falling into darkness, and if she’s meant to be the one holding Sora to life, go ahead and run with that. This would pay off her discovering the Final World during the tutorial earlier. She (via inference and text boxes explaining things instead of a random cat creature) collects the various pieces of Sora, depositing them in his translucent body. Two of those pieces can be Roxas and Xion (I told you I’d work her in somewhere). Kairi and Sora, and even Roxas, wouldn’t know who Xion is, but she could trigger something within Kairi that allows a telepathic conversation with Namine that gets into questions about hard choices and the greater good - something Kairi hasn’t yet had to deal with, but Namine, a part of her, and Xion, built out of memories of her, have.

Once Sora is fully restored, he becomes the player character again, but it’s Kairi who comes with him to rescue the others, not Jiminy Cricket. She’s your battle partner as you make your way through the worlds saving everyone. Master Xehanort (not the Young version) can still turn up to give Sora another warning about the Power of Waking - and Kairi takes that to heart, more than Sora does. The sacrifices and deaths from the Disney worlds come back to mind, just as they did in the game; only this time, Sora and Kairi have both made the connection prior to this point, and this is just brings it back to mind.

- One battle, two trios. When time resets, it’s after the X-Blade has been formed. Sora turns the time power against Xehanort, and he, Riku, and Kairi follow him while the others hold shut Kingdom Hearts. In the course of this battle, there can be a moment that triggers a cutscene where Riku is severely injured and blasted through the portal back to the outside world. Caught off-guard, Sora is about to be struck down, but Kairi takes the hit. (As I said, I don’t object to the death itself; it’s the execution. This would let Kairi have a chance to shine as a character, throughout the game and in the boss battles, and would tie in more directly to the thematic threads in the chosen Disney worlds and pay off the conversation just held with Namine.) Sora hits a point of despair here, but Donald and Goofy join him for the final stretch (an injured Riku could have enough strength to return to Scala ad Caelum and bring the two of them with him.) And there is no bullshit last-minute redemption for Master Xehanort; he gets wiped out.

- SHOW. SORA’S. FATE. The single biggest flaw in the game as-is, and the one that would most need to get fixed. Have Sora go back to the final world, find Kairi, and have a scene between them. I would have Kairi not want Sora to use the Power of Waking to save her; she would point out its risks to him, and that she made a choice to keep him safe (see that callback there?) In response, Sora would bring up Herc’s line about an empty life. Kairi would be in the same boat, so they’d both be at a standstill. In the end, Sora persuades her by quoting her; that he trusts her to believe that he won’t fade away, and that she’ll keep him safe, even in this. So, as he readies the Power of Waking, the final cutscene is triggered, and you can have that final shot of Sora and Kairi holding hands as he fades away - only now, it’s motivated. And you have not just a bittersweet ending, but a hook into a future game that would be nearly impossible to write Kairi out of.

- Xigbar =/= Luxu. You want an epilogue and a secret movie? Fine. But don’t pull this shit.

And there you have it. Would this be a big improvement on the game we got? Yes, if I do say so myself. Would it be good? I don’t know. Since it assumes everything else in the series stays put, we’re still left with a lot of the problems that III was saddled with, not the least of them being too many characters even with the cuts I made. There’s no clear way that I can see to give everyone a meaningful payoff. But it’s what I’ve got, and it at least keeps the original threesome all prominent and sends Sora off with more grace.

[not-my-patton]

Avoidance

“Breathe out, slowly, through your mouth. Feel the air, now stale, now used, rush from your lungs. Feel your body relax as it lets go of the air, freeing it from the temporary prison of your ribs.”

The voice of Janina Mathewson filled Logan’s head, the words washing over him through his headphones. He lay sprawled across the floor trying to focus on the melodious music and reassuring words but he just couldn’t. His mind was racing at speeds he didn’t want to comprehend because there was just so much he was thinking of that it was an insignificant detail in the grand scheme of things.

The latest encounter with Deceit left him more confounded that before. For one thing, how didn’t he see the snake before? Replaying the events over, the signs were clearly apparent that “Patton” was not who he was portrayed to be. And yet, it seems that Virgil had spotted the difference first. And speaking of Anxiety, what was the connection? Truly the two had some history that he’s yet to reveal. Virgil was, after all, one of the more negative faucets of Thomas’s personality that actually came much later then he, Roman, or Patton. And after all, Anxiety often fueled lies and instances of Deceit, so it is pos…

No, this was not the road he wanted to traverse. Virgil was not the villain; Deceit was. Deceit was not a side but rather a slippery parasite that was trying to manipulate his way back into being a major influence in Thomas’ life. He’s not in the closet, he hasn’t done anything majorly wrong, he has no need to be purposefully deceitful.

But what happens if Deceit tries to take over once more with another side? Roman is practically putty in his hands; it would make it easy for the Dark Side to take over even for a little. They would doomed if he tried to play Virgil, as he had the most knowledge on the subject. And what would happen if Deceit tried to portray him? What lies would usher out his mouth to break him and allow the devil to take over? What lies did he tell Patton?

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Continue breathing, and listen.

It was no use. Even the thought of him made Logan’s skin crawl. Even with the cassette playing in his ear, he could barely focus on words he felt he’s listen to twenty times over. It was like Deceit himself was whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Like if Logic turned around, there he would be feeding directly into his paranoia. The smirk, the alluring tone, the mocking mannerisms. 

He arched his back and let the top of his head hit the floor to confirm. Nothing. But that means he could be in front of him now …

“What in Walt’s name are you doing?” Logan propped himself up on his elbows to see Roman standing above him, hands on his hips and a judging look on his face. He paused his podcast before responding. 

“Did you just compare to the founder of Disney to …” Logan let the sentence hang on his tongue as Roman swiftly filled in the rest. 

“But of course. Is he not? After all, he will eventually come back to once more rule all his company touches.” Logan was about to say something, before remembering who he was talking to. It was Roman: Thomas’ Creativity, Hopes, Dreams, and Fantasies piled into one man. Of course it would be him to believe in such myths. 

“I’m just … going to … simply ignore your cryogenically frozen Walt Disney fallacy.” Logan muttered. “As to answer your earlier question, I was simply relaxing. I’m … oh where are my notecards when you need them.” 

“You are not “good fam”, as your notecards would tell you.” Roman extended his hand, but the logical side shook his head. He pushed himself up into a sitting position, bringing his legs in as well so he sat with legs crossed Apple Sauce. 

“I’m actually very comfortable where I am, thank you very much.” Logan said, pushing up his glasses as he did so. 

“Ugh! Fine.” Roman, very carefully, made his was down onto the floor so that he was on the same level as Logan. “You know I dislike this kind of thing.”

“And you don’t have to. I’m …” The words were left unsaid. He didn’t want to feed into Deceit; he did not need more power than he currently wounded. So the sentence was left floating. 

“You don’t have to be apathetic all the time, Logan. It’s okay to show some empathy sometimes.” Roman flashed his signature smile, which did not help Logan feel better about his non-predicament that the former insisted was there. 

“Roman, I am Logic. I do not entertain myself with emotions that the rest of you so fondly embrace.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t have them.” The sentence made Logan freeze like an antelope in headlights. “What I’m trying to say is, it’s counterproductive for you to keep all these feelings to yourself. There’s no prejudice against you simply because you are the most rational of us all. You’re … well, I was going to say human but that’s not true. We’re all a part of Thomas. And wether you like it or not, we still act like him. We all have emotions.”

Logan didn’t respond. While he was impressed that Roman had decided to use his own tactic of rational thought against him, it was what he said that struck a chord. It’s what caused him to slide closer to Roman so that their legs were touching. What made his head fall onto his chest under his head and simply rest there. What encouraged him to cry and let loose all the pent up emotions he didn’t realize he had to release. 

“I’m scared.” He choked out through sniffles. Roman handed him a tissue from a box he had conjured. 

“I know you are, Logan. We all are.”

“It’s just … what if?” Two words. So much meaning and depth left unspoken. Because it’s a what if representing everything Logan was pondering: Deceit comes back, he takes over Virgil or Roman or Logan, we don’t know. “I don’t … don’t want this to happen again. I don’t want there to be what ifs.”

“It’s okay.” Roman muttered, rubbing his hands through Logan’s hair. “Now, I can’t promise that, but would Sherlock make you feel better?” Logan didn’t lift his head, but he simply nodded straight into Roman’s chest. “Okay, I’ll get the others. You make yourself comfy.”

Logan, with his support gone, fell headfirst into the beanbag Roman had left in his place. He wiped his cheeks of tears he didn’t even realize had began to stream. He situated himself into the beanbag, finally beginning to relax, when a newfound momentum on his back threw him forward onto the floor once more. Turns out it was simply Patton embracing him in a hug and a blanket.

“Logan! OMG Are you okay!?! Do you need a onesie?”

“Patton, I am perfectly capable of managing on my own. And no, I do not need …” There was a snap of fingers, and Logan was surrounded in a unicorn onesie. “… a onesie.”

“Alright, Patton. You can get off Logan now.” Roman said, practically pulling Morality off Logic. “Now, lets start Sherlock, shall we?”

“Of course. This is the BBC adaptation, correct?” Logan asked.

“But of course. What other one would there be in contention?” The opening scenes began, shots of war in Afghanistan beginning to play.

“Do we have to start at the beginning?” Virgil complained. “Can’t we skip to The Hounds of Baskerville or something?”

“You’ve actually watched Sherlock, Virgil?” Logan said. “I’m surprised.”

“Well, yeah. We only watch the first one and I kinda wanted to see the Moriarty story arc play out. Plus, the emotional manipulation in Hound is so well executed. I wouldn’t say it’s my favorite, but only because I haven’t watched the new season.”

“Well too bad, My Chemical Spoilsport.” Roman shot back. “We are watching A Study In Pink.”

“But we’ve seen this episode twenty-two times already? What’s the harm in simply skipping to the finale? The second episode is not the strongest, but the end is …”

“JUST SHUT UP AND ENJOY THE BENEDICT CUMBERBUTT!!”

A/N: So I wanted to put this at the end to say a few things. One, the podcast Logan is listening to in the beginning is called Within the Wires. I highly encourage listening to it or anything else by the team at Night Vale Presents. They are all amazing and fantastic. Second, this is my new Sanders Sides Side Blog, where I will now throw everything related to Roman, Virgil, Patton, Logan, Thomas, Joan, Talyn, or any of the others. Feel free to add me to any tag lists, especially for fanfic.  Let me know as well if you wanted to be added to my tag list as well. Just figured I let you guys know, since the other two parts of this series are up on my main blog.

Tag List: @patton-loves-coloring​

Virgil - Patton - AO3 Link - Roman - ???

[wyatp-blog]

Rachel’s Season - Week 1

So, it’s been about a year since I wrote my first Bachelorette recap. OF COURSE, I watched Nick Vial’s season of the Bachelor, I even participated in two fantasy leagues; but alas I didn’t win either, so I will stick to making fun of these dummies rather than betting on them. I’m going to do my best to recap whenever I have time, but a lot has happened in a year and I’ve gone from full time student to full time writer, so no guarantees I’ll make the deadline every week. All that being said, LET’S BEGIN!

Monday night we were introduced to the 30 (45? 50?? I can’t count that high) dudes who will be vying for literal Disney princess Rachel Lindsay’s hand in marriage. And perhaps more importantly an invitation to Bachelor in Paradise, aka the opportunity of a lifetime to date Corinne. But I digress, this is still about Rachel…for the time being.

RECAP AND REINTRODUCTION TO RACHEL

Chris Harrison 

“Over the years we’ve seen a lot of bachelors and bachelorettes come and go, but never have we seen the outpouring of support that we have for Rachel.”

Very convoluted version of ‘We’ve never had a black bachelorette before.’ Congrats on your “progressiveness” ABC, it only took you 52 seasons.

Rachel 

“I seriously keep waiting for someone to say ‘Just Kidding.’”

OH! you mean like they did to Luke Pell???

 How have I never realized that Rachel is literally Elle Woods of Legally blonde?? 

Old Lady to Rachel

 “And don’t sleep with all of them.”

Excuse me ma’am but the #BachelorNation correct terminology would be ‘Don’t let all of them into your fantasy suite.’ JEEEEZE, there are children watching.

WE MEET THE GUYS

 Kenny, 35, Las Vegas NV, Professional Wrestler This guy dancing what I’m pretty sure is ‘JuJu on that Beat’ with his daughter to the dubbed over tune of royalty-free romantic Bachelorette music is actually pretty adorable.

Kenny

“I’ve been around a lot of rings, maybe the next ring that I touch will be the one I give to you Rachel.”

Yeah, either that or ringworm…

Jack Stone, 31, Dallas TX, Attorney Wait. Hold up. This guy gets a first AND last name??? What happened to the one letter abbreviation format like Ashleigh I. or Melody D.?! Full disclosure, I made that second one up but it still begs the question does this guy have two first names?? Is one of those first names Stone?? Will my question mark key ever get a break this season???? Stay tuned to find out.

Lucas, 30, Woodside CA, Whaboom AKA Whaboom. I already hate everything about this guy. We are not here for slapstick humor!! We are here to satirically mock our deep-seeded belief in love at first site. This dude is Johnny Bravo and  Peter Griffin rolled into one and I’m simply not having it. Plus I inherently mistrust anyone with a personal catchphrase. (A few exceptions stand #Whabalubadubdub)

Blake E., 31, Marina Del Rey CA, Aspiring Drummer GET SWOL BRO! This guy knows that girls have an algorithm that inversely applies how much you talk about your dick to perceived size, right?? TL;DR this guy talks about his dick too much to have a decently sized one. 

Diggy, 31, Chicago IL, Senior Inventory Analyst My mom once told me never date a guy who cares too much about what he looks like because he’ll worry too much about what you look like. But I might be willing to forgive Diggy on that front because, I mean, have you looked at him?!

Josiah, 28, Fort Lauderdale FL, Prosecuting Attorney Damn. Is anyone else kind of impressed how many lawyers ABC was able to pull out of the woodwork for Rachel? There might be some actually datable bachelors on this season… On the same note, this dude’s background is the closest thing to a legitimate Lifetime movie plot the show has ever found, which we all know is ABC’s golden goose. I’m now accepting over/under bets for if he becomes the next bachelor.

 MEETUP WITH RACHEL’S ‘SQUAD’

So I guess Sugar Bear Hair spokesman-ship isn’t as lucrative as we once thought… Literally everyone is back from Nick’s season to regurgitate Bachelor buzzwords, oh excuse me, I mean give advice to Rachel.

I’m sorry is Raven getting emotional or is she blazed out of her mind? She looks like me in high school when I’d come home late at night from a “bonfire” trying to have a conversation with my mom who was up late watching TV.

 THE GUYS MEET RACHEL

I know I’m not the first to say this, but holy hell Rachel is incredibly gorgeous. That. Dress. Is. Everything.

I watched this with my best friend Emily, and let me tell you, when Bryan came on neither of us could contain ourselves. I guarantee that he is the contestant that in three weeks all the other guys will be saying “he isn’t who he says he is.” But really, it’s because they’re jealous. Who could blame them? I have shivers just watching him, and by the looks of it so does Rachel.

Random dude whose name I won’t bother learning 

“She’s wicked hot, and smart too. You don’t really see that combo.”

I guess good-looking and respectful of women is equally rare? Guarantee this idiot will utter the phrase “you’re not like other girls” at some point during the season. 

 Jonathon thinks the best way to make a woman (WITH A LAW DEGREE!!!) laugh is to physically force her. To be clear gentlemen, when a woman says she wants ‘a man that makes her laugh’ she means with his words.

  COCKTAIL PARTY

Rachel

“Let’s hold up a glass and cheers to ‘No Regrets.’ Bottoms up!”

Whaboom:

I love how angry the contestants get whenever the first person grabs the bachelor/bachelorette. They always act like it’s an act of aggression, and the only reason that I can think of why they would feel that way is because they’re all so attractive they’re used to people coming up to them first. They can’t comprehend actually showing initiative. LOL

Direct quote from my bae Emily “If I went out on a first date and someone asked me ‘what does love mean to you’ I would pull out my pepper spray.” #MillenialDating #SwipeRightYall

I’m probably the only one, but this creepy doll shtick is the funniest thing the Bachelor/Bachelorette has ever done.

 Bryan gets the first impression rose, because what did I fucking tell you guys??? He’s so suave. He looks and acts like the charming prince from a Disney movie who turns out to be the villain halfway through. And everybody loves a bad boy.

ROSE CEREMONY AND PREDICTIONS

Bryan is the obvious choice to make it to the final three, if not the first few dates, and I stand by that. Whaboom will definitely stay longer than we all want him to, if anyone has deets on the contract he must have signed with the producers, hit me up. And of course Josiah has to stick around long enough for Rachel to get his full backstory and for us to get to see her reaction. Other than that, it’s anyone’s race.

It’s been fun you guys! Hopefully I get to write more of these as the season goes on, but if I don’t I promise you I’m watching so feel free to text me for more #SickBurns.