#my formatting isn't the same as on ao3

[olderthannetfic]

hi, as someone who is tragically gen Z and only ever read AO3, can I ask: what was so great about LiveJournal? Like, I know that there were fics posted there (and I've even read about the "purge", so I get why it isn't used anymore) and that it was sort of a forum-type thing. But what I don't understand, wouldn't Tumblr fill in the latter function? How was that site any different? I see a lot of people reminiscing about it and I'm confused

--

A big factor in LJ's greatness is timing and nostalgia.

It was genuinely great, but it wasn't quite as great as all of the Lo, shall the Golden Age ne'er come again? posts suggest.

LJ arrived at a pivotal time in the development of the internet both in terms of technical stuff and how many people had access. Many fans who are now in their thirties to fifties first discovered fandom through LJ and many were at a time in their lives when they were feeling energetic and up to making lots of new friends—and to figuring out how to make a site work for them.

I got on LJ in 2002 when it required invites. Fandom arrived in droves in 2003, first via coordinated campaigns to get invites to key people and then when LJ opened up free account creation to everyone. Back then, LJ's features sucked. It was impossible to search properly, among other things. At its height (2005-7, let's say), there was a reasonable site search, and fans had developed all sorts of community resources for finding each other.

People often remember this phase but not the early days of suckitude.

This development parallels how Tumblr used to not have that private chat feature and how a lot of fuckyeah[whatever] type tumblrs have helped curate the site and make it much more usable for fans. Fandom draining away from LJ after strikethrough also parallels people draining away from Tumblr after the purge.

There are people who talk about Tumblr the way my cohort talks about LJ...

And to the shock of no one, they are people who came of age on Tumblr, who found fandom via Tumblr, who were on Tumblr during pivotal times in their lives and ones when they had energy to make friends and figure out how a site worked.

Those same Tumblrites are now making all the same geriatric-sounding posts we LJers do about how other sites lack the required features to be good for fandom while missing that 90% of tumblr's "features" at its height (2012-2016, let's say) were actually fan-created and were basically the same as any fandom newsletter or links page or all the versions of this kind of personal curation stretching back to long before the internet existed.

What life phase you hit a site at matters.

--

With all of that said, no, LJ was not a forum. It was a blogging site with threaded comments.

The key point to understand is that conversation was always happening in a specific person's space. Unlike on a true forum, people were in the comments on a particular post in a journal owned by another fan. (On a forum, there's the first post in a thread, but it's still more of a communal space with less of a hierarchy.)

Overall, the LJ format can have a feeling a bit like you're over at someone's house for tea. There's more of a sense of intimacy and also behaving yourself in front of community members.

Tumblr being obscure and impossible to find anything in does give it some of the same vibe relative to Twitter, but it's still part of modern social media that tries to shove every rando into the face of every other rando.

But it wasn't just vibes: LJ also had robust privacy features where you could lock a post to this or that group of friends. You could moderate your comments section properly. Tumblr has far fewer controls to force people to behave or leave on a technical level.

--

The biggest thing many people miss about LJ is the threaded comments. At least by late LJ and on Dreamwidth, you can expand and collapse threads, making it far easier to deal with a massive comments section. But more than that, things are properly threaded with multiple levels of hierarchy that are all easily visible in the same place.

On Tumblr, it used to be extremely difficult to find all of the actual commentary on a post. Nowadays, it's far easier, but you still have to scroll chronologically, and multiple versions of a post with a long chain of commentary may be much more divorced from each other than what would happen in a LJ comments section.

--

But could we use Tumblr pretty much how we used LJ?

We could.

I do.

--

The key things that people tend to miss about LJ, aside from the younger and more excited version of themselves or the friends they've lost since then, are:

Heavily text-based

It may sound odd on the modern internet, but there are a lot of people whose brains don't like or handle an image-heavy site well. They were everywhere in SF book fandom. They were everywhere on the early internet. Today, they're hanging out on Dreamwidth and still going to their SF cons. They're usually not on Tumblr.

You could follow the discussion

Threaded comments help, but a lot of it is about having some place you can check for updates. It wasn't actually that easy to follow big LJ discussions unless you were subscribed to comments and reading along as things were happening instead of coming along after the entire mass of comments had been left.

The tone of the discussion is intellectual and one's enemies are "idiots", not "problematic"

All this requires is a penchant for longwindedness and an itchy blocking finger to remove anyone slinging ad hominems from the comments section.

On tumblr, it's as simple as conversations happening in the replies on a popular account and that person not tolerating suibaiting and threats.

(And make no mistake, a lot of LJ discussion was in the comments on popular accounts, not spread equally between everyone's.)

It does require that multiple people like that tone and want to engage in that way, but lots of people do want to.

--

These days, I interact with tumblr by checking my askbox and reading my activity page. The vast, vast majority of my posts are ones where I'm the OP, so if I block someone, they're booted from the discussion entirely.

For me... yeah, Tumblr functions almost exactly like LJ.

Also like LJ, while I'm hosting the conversation, if you hang around, you'll see the same people again and again in the comments. They may or may not also host that kind of conversation in their space, and there's a larger pool of lurkers who have some notion of which people count as regulars. Other people are watching from the shadows, enjoying or deriding the takes of the usual crowd.

People presumably do like reading my lengthy commentary or they wouldn't be here, but my tumblr wouldn't be popular like this without a healthy pool of other people who chime in regularly. It's not just that there are more people: it's that you see the same people over time. There's a bit more sense of place and community than on some parts of the internet.

--

So, in my opinion, the failure to just recreate LJ fandom on Tumblr was a skill issue.

Threaded comments were great, but LJ culture came from mailing lists, and mailing lists had the same issue as tumblr with the diverging threads.

We solved that back then by clipping out only the parts we wanted to respond to (you'd write "snip" around the quotation to show it was incomplete). We solved the smaller LJ issue by linking to other posts we were referencing and doing discussion link roundups. We solve it on tumblr by, again, linking to what we're talking about and even quoting multiple reblog chains in our own reblog of just one chain.

--

Tumblr's technical features and even general crap-ness aren't really the problem. 90s and early 00s sites regularly went down for periods of time unthinkable today.

The missing piece is people.

When one is in an active fandom with others who curate or with friends who let one know what's up, a site with imperfect features is easy to figure out and retrofit for fandom's needs. When one already feels out of touch and is between fannish passions—or at least fannish passions anyone else cares about—seeing the potential in a new site is hard.

--

Threaded comments are different and better.

LJ's built-in way to see everyone's blog in your own style was better. The automatic timestamps and the ease of seeing a paginated archive of an entire blog was better than tumblr's endless scroll and lack of clear date labeling. But some of that can be fixed with xkit or knowing your way around tumblr well.

A lot of it is nostalgia for the lj era and a refusal to take the time to figure out how to use tumblr in an oldschool internet way.

--

So by all means, people, weigh in about what made LJ great or how the culture felt at the time...

But if I see one more god damn response going "You can't have a conversation on tumblr!" in reply to my tumblr, which contains nothing but conversation, I am coming for you.

[spockandawe]

Double edit: actually, that's enough of that.

Edit: I was expecting maybe thirty notes tops. This is a surprise, and one that doesn't delight me. If I hear about any harassment stemming from this post, I'll be more pissed at the harasser than the person this is about.

God. Dammit.

I hate this, let's just out that out there! I'm unhappy that I'm talking about any of this, I'm unhappy there's an issue that's come up at the intersection of media preservation, respecting authors, and one of my favorite book series. And I'm unhappy that I've censored the names in the screenshots I'm about ti post! I'm not happy that I'm helping to slide consequences away from someone who thought this was an acceptable thing to do to a modern working author. But I'm even less happy this is something that happened in the first place, and I'm VERY unhappy the original post has been deleted without a whisper of accountability or apology.

And here's a partial screenshot of the IA page, which has since been removed. I get the excitement to share something you love with a new audience. This isn't the right way to go about it.

First, if Martha Wells' patreon is still in place, I encourage everyone in the strongest possible terms to go sign up for it. It'll charge you one dollar. I've been a member since probably 2018, and I mistakenly believed it was locked to new members (it's labeled 'Currently Closed To New Patrons') until I had reason to look it up last night, when I tripped across this reddit post from earlier this year.

Now. I was looking it up because of this sudden patreon message:

Even if the patreon goes away, I still recommend that people sign up. Explore the stories! They're very fun! Even though the patreon has been dormant for years, I've loved having that repository in place.

In fact, in the interest of full disclosure, what kept me from immediately reblogging last night is that I've felt the same archival urges! I bound a hard copy of these stories earlier this year, and let me quote my own words from that post:

I live in a state of perpetual low key stress over the impermanence of digital media and that goes extra for sites that aren’t designed to work well as archives. I hope, desperately, that someday Martha Wells publishes more raksura, maybe even including these stories! I will buy it immediately. No thoughts, wallet empty. I own all her other raksura books in literally three formats, fingers crossed that by printing this, I can actualize a formal official printing of these stories by the author 😂

So. Archiving, yes. But especially with a living, working author, I would never DREAM of posting a public free-for-all with IA and mediafire links. My most charitable interpretation is that OP thought it was fine since the stories were "free," even though the writeups acknowledge that access costs a dollar. Ao3 is also free. Reposting someone else's fic is still understood to be a dick move.

Last night i was left kind of stunned, and I was hoping to see some kind of response from op this morning taking responsibility, and was... disappointed to see that the post was just deleted. The IA listing was deleted too, and I hadn't actually looked up the mediafire post yet but I'm guessing it's also been nuked. Out of curiosity, I wanted to see if there was anything more in the comments, so I found a surviving reblog. And there was!

So I'm writing this post because I'm... frustrated. Taking down the files is a good step. Posting them publicly was a worse step, but hey. I still more than understand if Martha Wells still deletes her patreon. I don't understand what sending her files of her own stories is meant to accomplish, but whatever. Ascribing a profit-driven motive is driving me up a wall, though. She's financially stable. I read her email, and what i see is frustration that even though it only cost a dollar to access 62k of her work through her own chosen location, control of her writing is being forcibly removed from her. I'm sure that seeing copies sold by third parties wouldn't help, but I don't think that's the root issue.

This is a fandom-heavy website, I'm sure most of us have seen posts about not reposting art when you can share directly from the artist's blog. I've seen posts about stop copying your ao3 faves over to wattpad just because you like reading there better. At a fundamental level, I read the message from Martha Wells as a deep frustration at having no way to share her creative work without someone removing control of it from her hands. And I don't know if there's any way to really take back that damage.

[lullinglily]

pairing: malenia x gn!reader

notes: again, moved from my ao3 because i think the tumblr format just fits this better.

 Malenia champions over lust. She can control herself just fine. She always gives you a chaste kiss on the forehead before setting off to wage war in lands far beyond your tranquil home. It’s only when she returns, awash in the crimson blood of her vanquished enemies, does she get all touchy.

You both tend to each other. Malenia takes great care to keep you safe, and you check in on her mental and physical health daily.

“You are more than just your rot," you tell her, “You are more than just your brother’s sword.” She perks up at your words, and responds in her typically stoic tone of voice.

      “Of course. I am your sworn blade as well.” 

      “That is not what I meant, my love.” 

While she herself is infested with rot, she keeps you safe from such a fate. She adorns you in various accessories forged with unalloyed gold and gently strokes your hair as she administers the needle into your skin, valiantly warding off the rot’s influence. You can be sure the wedding gift she gives to you will be made of the same glittering material.

Malenia would shiver as you carefully removed her prosthesis, allowing herself to be vulnerable in your presence alone. You brought the soaked cloth up to her rotted limb, gently cleansing the scarlet rash and brushing away the budding flowers that grew there. She was always silent during these times, but not in the serious and intimidating way that her silence typically was. No, she was at peace. Your tender touches and soft spoken murmurs would often lull her to sleep, and you’d have to flail beneath her weight to keep her from crushing you. Once the wound had been thoroughly cleaned you’d reattach her arm dexterous, raising her golden knuckles to your lips in a lighthearted and sweet gesture. She’s touched of course, but now she’s also extra drowsy. You'll have to escort the lovesick demigod to your shared chambers without getting distracted by her affectionate words. Malenia is surprisingly verbose when describing her love to you. With how melodic her voice is it's a grand shame she doesn't speak more often. 

Dates with Malenia will really only be in or near the Haligtree, as it isn't safe enough for you anywhere else. On occasion the both of you walk along the beach the Haligtree was grown upon, the sound and smell of the sea grounding your beloved to her senses. It reminds her of the beginning, how the Haligtree grew alongside your relationship - blossoming into something both sublime and sacred. Such love was always certain to flourish underneath the Haligtree's canopy. 

Another date spot Malenia would enjoy is Elphael. She isn't very talkative, and chooses to show her devotion in actions rather than words. So, of course, she's going to train in front of you for hours on end. You still have a delightful time despite how mundane the activity may seem, how could you not when witnessing your Malenia disarm so many knights at once? The pride that overwhelms you almost rivals the pride Malenia feels when she turns toward you after a long sparring session, knowing she is fit to safeguard someone so wonderful. 

I imagine the both of you first meet somewhere in Leyndell, before the rot had peeled away Malenia's eyesight. Perhaps she finds you in some part of the capital and begins to frequent that area in hope of catching sight of you again. Maybe you were once a part of Godwyn's entourage, and suddenly so was she. Either way, Malenia is especially reserved. She'll take her time picking you apart, turning you over, letting her gaze wash over you again and again. 

You notice, of course. Even the most dense of mortals could feel the searing holes Malenia's stare burns into the back of their heads. She can sense that you've discovered her, and it's only a matter of time until one of you begins to speak to the other. No matter who it is that starts the conversation, it never seems to end. Crowds dissipate, the stars begin to show themselves, and before you know it you've been chatting up a demigod for almost the whole day. You're terribly embarrassed, but Malenia couldn't be happier. This was her first taste of victory - and how sweet it was! 

From then on she's quite clingy, and wishes to please you as best she can. It's fitting then that she'd ask her brother Miquella for help before every date with you. From what to say to how to say it, Miquella encouraged this compassion that guided his sister towards the object of her affection. It was this same heartfelt compassion that compelled Malenia to ask you to abscond with her to a land far beyond Leyndell. She'd asked you to leave all you've ever known for her brother's purpose, and yet you kindly agreed - a mercy upon her heart that she would forever honor. 

Nightly activities include reading aloud to her, discussing each other's days, sickeningly sweet flirting, and lying in bed together cuddling in absolute silence. The last item tends to be the most common way of spending time together, naturally. 

While Malenia is typically quiet, she can be quite the charmer when need be. When she lost her eyesight she had perfectly wiped away your tears, showcasing how well your face was etched into her memory. She traced each and every distinct feature on your body to prove how the loss of her vision changed nothing, and how she'd perfectly recall your visage even in death. 

Malenia is an extraordinarily loyal and devoted partner. She treats you with the upmost care, afraid of causing harm to you no matter how strong you are. She prays for your safety each day, to whom she is not sure, slaying hundreds of enemies with your protection in mind. No matter what great feat it is she had accomplished, to pull you into her embrace at the end of it all is reward enough. For what is a valkyrie without a precious soul to hold?

[pluckyredhead]

hi! i'm new to comics and i got in through reading your fics and wayne family adventures. i've since started reading more of the mainstream verse and i realized that most comic fans consider wfa to be totally fanon. you're one of the few i saw that disagrees. would you mind elaborating a lil on why? i'm too new to really form an opinion either way but i'd like to know your's!

(also yes i really did stalk your blog back years worth of posts i'm sorry! 😭😭)

Aw I love this! Welcome!

So I think it's really important to be clear on definitions here:

Canon means it's part of an official text. It's literally in a comic (or book or movie or other property) published or licensed by DC.

Fanon means it's made up by fans. That doesn't mean bad or good, it just means that it comes from fandom and is not part of the official text.

Wayne Family Adventures is an official licensed comic by DC, so by definition, it cannot be fanon. That doesn't mean everyone has to like it, but it's not a fan comic. It's an official DC product. It's not fanon.

Now, WFA isn't part of the main DCU canon. It takes place in a separate universe. The Jason in Batman #138 and the Jason in WFA are not the same and they are having very different experiences. (And I'm sure the Jason in WFA would be grateful if he knew.)

But that's no different than a comic that takes place in an alternate universe, like Dark Knights of Steel or DCeased, or a movie like Blue Beetle or a show like My Adventures with Superman. They all take place in their own universes, but all of those universes are canon. None of them are fanon.

What I think most people mean when they say WFA is fanon is that WFA draws on tropes and characterizations that are popular in fandom. Which...yes, absolutely. This is on purpose, and honestly, it pisses me off when people complain about it. (Not you, anon! Your question was lovely, you just triggered my unskippable cut scene of dialogue. Sorry lol.)

Wayne Family Adventures is probably the single best idea DC has had in the 20 years I've been reading comics. (The second best was the kids and YA graphic novel lines.)

I just checked, and WFA has 1.3 MILLION subscribers. That's more than every floppy comic starring Batman sells in a month, combined. It's more than literally any superhero comic has sold in decades - in this century! The combined strips have over A HUNDRED MILLION VIEWS. That is bonkerstown. That is a readership like DC hasn't seen since the 1970s. That is unparalleled success, and it's introducing characters like Kate Kane and Duke Thomas to a whole new audience.

Now, WFA was clearly designed to appeal to Batfans who were active on social media and fanfic sites like AO3 and Wattpad, and Webtoon readers. The readership of Webtoon is mostly young and female. Fandom as a whole is mostly female. The writer of WFA is female.

And maybe I'm not being fair here, but when I see people dismiss WFA as "just fanon," I always catch a whiff of "It's not a real Batman comic. It's a girl comic for girls."

I have spent the past 20 years begging DC (and Marvel, DC is not alone in this) to see women as a viable audience - as their largest potential growth audience! I have watched in dumbfounded frustration as they ignored the juggernaut success of Raina Telgemeier and Ngozi Ukazu and Alice Oseman running rings around the NY Times bestseller list and counted a 50k shipment here and there as a resounding triumph. I have literally seen them throw out survey responses from women because "those women had an agenda." (This is a true story. 2011 was rough, y'all.)

And all of a sudden, they gave us a comic actually catering to women and young people and fandom, and they put it on the most popular, current, modern platform for comics availably - and it's brilliant. It's smart and funny and stunningly drawn and every episode makes clever, inventive use of the scrolling format. They FINALLY gave us a girl comic for girls, and it's a masterpiece.

And yes, it riffs on fanon concepts. It also has its roots firmly in mainstream DCU canon. It references deep cuts. CRC Payne and StarBite know their shit. Jason Todd being a bookworm may be a fanon staple, but he does plenty of reading - including Jane Austen - in the 100% canon mainstream DCU comics.

It's not going to be for everything, because nothing is. It's completely fine if you don't like WFA. No one has to read it or enjoy it. If you're into Batman for the darkness and the crime and the ongoing plotlines and the angst, WFA won't be for you, and that's totally fine!

But to finally, finally be valued as a reader by DC, to have them do something smart and innovative and so, so well executed, and have the exact people they made it for dismiss it out of hand because Bruce has a "World's Okayest Dad" mug or whatever? Yeah, that chafes.

[1shirt2shirtredshirtdeadshirt]

I woke up this morning and saw I had a message in my inbox on AO3, presumably about by new fic, and was excited to see the feedback.

When I read what they wrote it was a small comment that said "stop using sudowrite".

Had no idea what that even means, so I had to look it up and found out it's some form of a writing AI.

Absolutely fuming.

I want to make something abundantly clear right now:

I have not been hand writing and editing all of my own stories, hundreds of pages worth of personally hand written or hand typed content for the past 16 years, only to get accused of using any form of lazy ass writing AI now.

This is what I love to do. For fun.

I put in a lot of unpaid time, creativity and energy into my writing and editing. The only thing I ask for in return is participation from the fandoms I love, be it via thoughtful feedback or valid criticisms.

But this is neither of those things. This is just an outright, baseless lie against the art that I have worked so hard to make myself, and I won't be undermined or discredited.

There's anger, and then there's whatever space I am occupying well past it right now.

It's infuriating to pour hours of my love, thought and creativity into original content only to have someone come out of nowhere and try to tell me I've been having an AI do it, especially 16 years deep.

Bitch please.

I also found out that app came out in 2020 . . . As I mentioned, I published my first K/S story in 2008 as Ruby JW on the K/S archives, and my first fanfic on fanfic.net was published in 2007 as luigi_is_stellar.

I invite anyone to peruse my decades-long collection of independent content that I have single-handedly accomplished well before such an app even existed, then come back to me and try to tell me that what I do here isn't authentic.

I don't usually get spicy, but when it comes to the art I spend hours writing and drawing independently with my own blood sweat and tears, yeah. I'm going to get spicy.

I do far too much unpaid work out of passion and love for this fandom to have such a serious accusation flung my way out of nowhere.

It's the first time in my 16 years of writing for this fandom that I've ever been accused of plagiarism, and you best trust and believe that I don't take that accusation lightly. I work too damn hard to let someone discredit the work I do personally in such a baseless manner.

Anyway, that was discouraging AF. I am boggled to learn that AI writing is even a thing, no less someone coming out of the woodwork to try to accuse me of using it 16 years into story publishing when I literally teach academic honesty and writing ethics in my line of paid work as an English professional.

Genuinely: Do you know who you're talking to?

A bit of background on me:

I come from a not-so-wealthy family who could not afford to pay to put me through school -- I paid for that all on my own. I had to earn my University English degree, one of four University degrees I hold on my own work and pay alone, without so much as a tutoring session or handout from home.

Not once would I have jeopardized everything I worked so hard and paid for out of my own pocket as a poor ass uni student working two jobs and doing night classes just to phone it in plagiarizing, not on one ounce of my work.

That was all me.

I've handwritten 3 MLA essays in under three hour exams BACK TO BACK, immediately followed by back-to-back Biology exams & a final lab where I ALSO had to write multiple essays and switch from MLA to APA mode within the span of 6 hours.

Those were all bound in handwritten yellow booklets well before we ever had Google Docs, Grammarly, formatting suggestions, or even regularly brought/had access to laptops in UNI. I did my work by hand.

I earned my degrees in English and Biology AT THE SAME TIME before I even turned 24. I earned a double major handwriting my own work papers like my life depended on it, and you actually think I'm about to phone it in now?

Step to me like that again, young blood. I ain't the one.😂

Anyway, I digress.

Ya girl ain't here to fight BC y'all know I tend to be very easygoing, full of humour, and I love to joke around in the fandom. I'm pretty wide open to opposing opinions or even criticisms. But this is unfounded slander, and I won't be taking that on the chin.

When it comes to my work, I take that very seriously, and I don't play around. My late father once told me that "The work you do and the degrees you earn are yours and yours alone, they can never take that education from you." I live by that sentiment, and have done so by putting forth honest work.

Be it paid or unpaid work, it's my work. Periodt.

It is an unfathomably disheartening and insulting message to receive as someone who writes all their own stuff themselves, draws all their own fanart themselves, does their own photo edits themselves, edits their writing themselves, and has never even used so much as a single outside beta reader/editor for my work. Not once. The art, the writing, the editing -- It's all me.

Bottom line:

Say you do or don't like my work, that's cash money and we good, whether it's your cup of tea or not.

Butt know that it is my work.

I will not put all of this free time, effort and love into my work only to be accused of lazily ripping the content that I have spent hours writing and personally editing from somewhere else.

And on that note, consider my PSA rant ended.

[starry-bi-sky]

ive been hesitating to ask this bc youve been on a roll with the clone^2au (which i am frothing over) but could i poke you for some childhood friend au? bc GOD i wanna see how danny reacts to reuniting w jason or how the rest of the batfam react to learning jason never told danny of his resurrection or wondering if dannys gonna put jokers dead body on a display/offering to jasons grave. i havent been normal about this since i first read it and was wondering. thank you for your writing.

RAAAAHHHH DON'T BE HESITANT I AM JUST AS FERAL OVER MY CHILDHOOD FRIENDS AU AS I AM WITH CLONE^2 I AM DELIGHTED BY THIS. Like.,,,, i literally love them,,, so much. I can't listen to The Crane Wives without thinking of them.

(which is my fault - the ao3 fic of them has literally only crane wives lyrics for each chapter title and summary (posted AND the ones not written) so of course im gonna associate with them.)

(if you wanna listen to some of their songs while thinking of cfau here are my recommendations: "Once & for All", "Here I Am", "Hollow Moon" is a Danny AND Jason song to me, this would be my go-to song for an animatic of CFAU if i had the skills for it. "Tongues and Teeth", "Curses" and "take me to war" is a heavy cfau danny song to me, and of course, "the moon will sing")

Like they're BEST friends dude, they're two sides of the same coin and when they were kids they would do this thing where their 'fingers crossed'/'double-crossed' was them hooking their index fingers in the fingers crossed gesture.

and i'm actually currently rewriting my original post into a more fic-like format, and when I'm done I'll post it on here under the cfau tag - with the original post still in tact. But its,,, gonna be so long dude,,,, the original behemoth was just over 9000 words,,, and I've written 3k words already of the new one and we haven't even reached Jason and Danny reuniting at the gala yet,,, i need to get back to that,,,

and then to answer your questions!! god im almost hesitant to answer because i dont wanna spoil the little fic i had planned for it but also like,, its not like im gonna spoil everything, right? and answering the questions isnt the same as writing the scene down so!!

i love danny and jason's reuniting, like i've thought about it SO much and I've thought about it happening after Danny kills the Joker. I know the reveal could have been before that, and it could have been equally just as dramatic but like??? Thematically, doing it after danny kills the joker is SO good. To me at least.

Because like?? Jason's been in somewhat denial about danny's plan to kill the joker for months. ever since danny told him that he wanted to at the gala. And from Jason's pov its not even technically a plan. He sees his best friend for the first time after five years and his best friend still isn't over his death. He hasn't stepped foot in Gotham since his funeral and now suddenly he's here.

And he's still so full of grief over his death that he tells a masked vigilante that he's going to kill the guy that did it, who lives in said masked vigilante's city. And danny's got that look in his eyes that Jason knows so well that means he's being serious. And yet he still doesn't know if he should believe him or not.

And then he does. Danny kills him. And Jason can't fucking believe it. And when he goes and sees Danny, Danny's hands are still covered in blood. And that reunion? God like a fucking firework show. Danny's so fucking angry, and pissed, and hurt, and so goddamn overjoyed that he's alive and here that he sends them both to the ground, and if he doesn't calm down he's gonna take out the power in a five block radius.

there's just so, so much yelling on Danny's end. And then so much crying, first from Danny and then them both. because god, you're alive. you're here. i've missed you so much. i'm never letting you out of my sights again.

and Joker's death! God I don't want to actually say too much about that, but the way I have it set up thematically makes me actually not want danny to take any part of the joker with him as an offering. and he may actually forego that particular ghost etiquette and offer something else as an offering to Jason in substitute to not bringing him the Joker's heart/head/ritualistic body part.

Because you know what the last thing a man whose been spending the last two decades of his life building himself up to be larger than life would want? A death that's unremarkable. :) and that's all i'll put on the matter for now.

and the batfam!! they technically already know that jason hasn't told danny he was resurrected, and plenty of them have mixed feelings on them. largely bruce and dick i think, considering they saw firsthand how close jason and danny were when they were kids.

Dick was honestly surprised at first when he found out that Jason hadn't told Danny he was alive - and on one hand he understands the reasoning for it, and on the other hand he isn't sure if it was such a good idea. Especially after he sees Danny again after he arrives back in Gotham and sees just how badly Jason's death was still affecting him. But it's not like he's going to try and convince Jason to tell him - he can make his own choices, even if Dick has questions about them.

Bruce has much the same thoughts as Dick, so there's not really much to add here other than he might bring it up once or twice to Jason like, vaguely. And then immediately drops it when Jason shuts him down. He might actually somewhat...?? prefer that Jason hasn't told Danny because that raises a lot of questions and could jeopardize their identities. However, again, Jason can make his own choices and there's not much Bruce can do about it other than disapprove from afar.

Tim who knew of Danny from stalking the Wayne family shares similars sentiments of being surprised that Jason didn't tell Danny, but again, yeah, understands the thought process to some extent. Doesn't bring it up ever.

Everyone else who hadn't seen firsthand how close Danny and Jason are don't really have much opinion on it -- Jason didn't tell his best friend he was alive, great, he also didn't tell them either so it's not like its that much of a surprise. It would've been more of a surprise to them if Jason had told Danny before he told Bruce and co. Damian may make a comment or two about Jason not telling Danny, but its not about how he can't believe he didn't tell him or anything like it.

[bg-brainrot]

"Hugs for a Vampire" - Astarion x GN!Reader - Series Masterlist

Pairing: Astarion x GN!Reader (Rogue!Tav)

Genre: Fluffy, Filling in Canon

Rating: Teen

Tags: Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, cw: Alcohol, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, POV Second Person, Canon-Typical Violence, cw: blood, cw: Astarion's entire backstory, cw: mentions of nudity, discussions about consent, spoilers for the whole game

Series WC: 36k words, 18 chapters

Summary: Following the course and growth of Tav x Astarion's relationship through a serious of off-screen hugs (and one on-screen hug). Covering awkward, happy, sad, and angsty hugs including After the House of Healing, Before the Assault on Moonrise, Before Reaching Baldur's Gate, and more!

Each chapter can be read as a standalone hug.

Author’s Notes: I'm bringing over some of my multi-chapter fics from AO3, so if you've already read this, ty I love you and appreciate you so much! This was my first long!fic, and remains very near and dear to me because, by the gods, does Astarion need a hug (or 18). I will continue to add chapters as I format them, but the full fic is available on AO3 here if you're feeling like a binge.

Chapters:

Chapter 1: After Raiding the Goblin Camp

This hug takes place during the party with the tieflings, after raiding the Goblin Camp. Both Tav and Astarion are interested in each other, but love isn't in the air yet. Welcome to the awkward, uncomfortable first hug.

Chapter 2: After Fighting Grym

Their second hug takes place after a tough battle. A painful hug, but comforting nonetheless.

Chapter 3: After the House of Healing

Tav has realized their feelings (covered in Failed a Dex Save and Fell for You) and Astarion has caught them. We're looking at a cautious little half hug, where Tav knows more about him, but isn't quite sure how to comfort him yet.

Chapter 4: After Encountering Araj

Set in Act 2 after infiltrating Moonrise and meeting Araj, a retelling of the Act 2 romance with some extra dialogue. The only canon-hug!

Chapter 5: After the Self-Same Trial

After their mutual feelings are shared, Astarion and Rogue!Tav are relearning how to act around each other. A kiss-hug combo!

Chapter 6: Before the Assault on Moonrise

A feeding-hug for Rogue!Tav and Astarion. They're still working out how to act around each other, with Astarion setting the boundaries.

Chapter 7: Before Chasing Ketheric Thorm

Rogue!Tav is feeling the stress of Moonrise Towers, meanwhile Astarion has realized how nice cuddling is.

Chapter 8: After Defeating Ketheric

After defeating Ketheric and learning the truth of the Absolute, Tav feels a lot of feelings.

Chapter 9: Before Reaching Baldur's Gate

Set during that one rest between Act 2 and Act 3 -- they talk about consent a bit, establishing their hug-boundaries.

Chapter 10: After a Love Test

Set at the start of Act 3, time with a dyrad leads to some jealousy and some fluff.

Chapter 11: After Meeting Petras and Dal

Set in early Act 3, Rogue!Tav and Astarion encounter Astarion's siblings.

Chapter 12: After Entering Baldur’s Gate

Set in early Act 3, the group finally arrives in the city! Astarion marvels at its sight.

Chapter 13: Before Facing Cazador

Set in Act 3, set prior to facing Cazador (part of the Pale Elf questline). Rogue!Tav and Astarion face some of the his past.

Chapter 14: After Defeating Cazador

Set in Act 3, the conclusion of the Pale Elf questline, Rogue!Tav needs to find just the right moment to support Astarion.

Chapter 15: After Visiting Astarion’s Grave

After the Act 3 romance scene, Rogue!Tav and Astarion enjoy a soft moment together.

Chapter 16: Before the End

Set right before the end, Rogue!Tav and Astarion discuss their future. Rogue!Tav is determined to not make Astarion's decision for him.

Chapter 17: After Your Victory

Less canon-compliant than the rest, timeline shifting was needed here, but set after defeating the brain. Astarion realizes that he's not alone, not when Rogue!Tav and his companions are there for him.

Bonus Hug Chapter 18: At Withers' Party

An epilogue hug! Astarion sees Rogue!Tav giving out hugs and wants one of his own.

[lookinghalfacorpse]

You don't have to respond to this one, but @ your last tags on the found family trope post, I can't say I haven't been curious if anything like that was ever the case. You've been so careful in painting everyone's relationship to be on trust and healthy reliance on one another in times of need, and Techno + Dream definitely have something more intimate and close going on (which I deeply appreciate btw- I couldn't bear it if someone tried to stick itwall!Dream as a brother to Techno, or put him in alongside Wilbur as a son figure to Phil :shudders:), so I'm VERY curious how detailed those thoughts have gotten at any point in time /lh /but genuine

(talking about my semi-cursed tags on this post)

yes i can talk about this all day !! i think the dynamic that doomsday trio brings is fascinating, and i don't blame those who see it as a nuclear family dynamic because i think the comparison does work in some places, but it's more complicated than that. i touched on it (in vaguely poetic terms) in this post, but i can give more detail here.

c!philza is an old man and an experienced father, and his instinct as a guardian is strong. this is the closest we get to a nuclear family format in itwall; phil definitely calls on some of his skills as a father when he helps dream, but it's a bit more complex than that. phil recognizes that dream is an adult in human years and doesn't need to be babied (hell, he doesn't even baby Wilbur, his own son who's around the same age!). dream needs care, he needs a mentor, and he needs a better self-preservation instinct before he kills himself. i think their relationship is closer to ancient grecian mentorship than fatherhood/sonhood, the only difference is that the mentee is on death's door for a while and needs some extra attention. phil sees himself in dream, dream sees phil as someone he might like to be, and there's a level of mutual respect there.

i also think that techno and dream have a sense of brotherhood, but in the same way that two athletic teammates have a brotherhood. they have a long history of trust between them, with room for playfulness and teasing. there's a lack of touch aversion (which is HUGE for dream), and dream initiates more of their touches (as opposed to phil, where he tends to be more submissive) (i'm thinkin about ch 12 & ch 19).

and, of course, techno & phil have a complicated relationship of their own. i'm always annoyed by headcanons that techno is phil's son-- we see plenty of interactions where they mutually worry over each other and care for each other. the will is Not written like a boy talking to his father. these two are lifelong partners, and that letter is written to someone who techno knows will understand him and trusts to carry out the more sentimental, intangible tasks, like talking to niki and ranboo, with very little instruction.

highly oversimplified but this is the idea. Techno and dream have similar relationships with phil but it's not really sonhood. all built on trust. they've proven to each other that they will keep each other safe.

and honestly.. none of those relationships would have to exclude sex or intimacy. equals/partners can have sex. comrades can have sex. mentors/mentees can have sex (i think people feel weird about this one, but again: think Ancient Grecian). i have Quite A Few scenes in my head about how their sexual relationships might work (especially in the early days when dream isn't feeling good...). i guess in light of everyone being more open about shipping i would consider writing them, i'd just keep them here instead of ao3.

i think both phil and techno consider dream to be heartstoppingly lovely. i think dream would love to be loved. i think phil&techno and techno&dream may have had some encounters Before the start of itwall, so it would just be a matter of tying it all together.

[queenburd]

happy 4/32 my friends. i wanted to get a bigger thing out, but it sadly isn't done, so instead, here is the first part to it. self contained and foreboding. 8)

formatting may be broken on tumblr. i will be crossposting this to ao3 shortly, with slightly tidier formatting optimistically.

if you like this fic, please check me out on ao3!

-

Stanley is frowning pensively at his computer, chin rested on folded hands. He has not exited his office yet, too lost in his own thoughts while his eyes flick across the black screen.

THE STANLEY PARABLE 12: Forgotten Pantry The Original Tax Disk It's Either Me or the Didgeridoo Baby Ice Hidden Paperwork Wacky Tuesday | Confirm |

As the sequel number suggests, this is not the first time Stanley has seen this screen. It is, however, the first time he has really sat and thought about what he is looking at. The first time he has tried to understand what it means.

Stanley takes a deep, shaking breath.

“Stanley? Is everything okay? You've been in there for rather a lot longer than I was expecting.”

He nearly jumps in his seat, head snapping to face the door. The Narrator is peeking at him from around the corner guilelessly, expression beginning to shift into concern at the reaction he receives. His eyes flick from Stanley's face to the screen, confusion visible in the quirk of his mouth.

“What's going on?”

The Narrator steps into the office to examine the monitor, and both of them watch, with growing anxiety, as the display disappears without warning.

A palpable tension fills the silence. In the reflection of his dark monitor, Stanley watches the Narrator's gaze move from it to him.

“S...Stanley, what the hell just happened?”

Stanley swallows.

It's not that he wants to keep this from the Narrator—he just doesn't know where to even begin.

-

The first time Stanley was given a prompt on his computer was the same run that the New Content door appeared in place of door 416. He had intended to ask the Narrator about the screen asking him to set the clock, but then—well. They'd both become a bit...occupied.

Since then, the command had appeared sporadically after a reset, without any pattern behind it. And—And Stanley had just assumed, for whatever reason, that it was another small addition the Narrator had created for the “sequel” content. Something to make Stanley feel like he was doing something new, to make him happy.

He doesn't think he's a foolish person, usually, but thinking back on when he first started getting prompts on his computer monitor—how he in the moment would set the time without really thinking about the action—Stanley feels like he should have paid closer attention to what he was doing. What the white font was saying.

Help. | Yes | | No |

Why had he not thought about this? Why had he just taken it at face value? Why had he never noticed the tone, the writing pattern? Why had he not questioned its comments?

He hadn't realized he'd been interacting with someone new until he'd found the monitor in a dark room under the sand-filled Memory Zone, and, well, considering Stanley's state of mind at the time--

--he doesn't want to be alone, in this wasteland. He knows in the end what he's going to choose, and he hates that he does--

--it's understandable that he'd had other priorities. It's completely reasonable that Stanley had not, in his emotional state, tried to learn more about the mysterious white font that spoke about the Narrator in the third person, and seemed to have as much power or more than the voice ever had.

He'd come back a wreck. The Narrator had worked to help him recover, distracting and comforting Stanley in turns, and that had been the end of it, hadn't it?

(Except Stanley had gone back to the Achievement Machine, and the Narrator had sounded terribly afraid. Stanley had thought about sand, and sand, and sand, and he had kept it to himself as to not make things all the worse.)

Look, all this is in the past. It's been ages, really, since the Epilogue, and since then he and the Narrator have found a good routine that works for them. Stanley plays the game, the Narrator berates him for his choices in a voice that's exceptionally exasperated and fond in turns, and life goes on. A good eighty percent of the time, the fellow does this in person, hand in his own and smile undisguised.

They are happy, mostly. Sometimes there are hurdles, sometimes there are meltdowns and arguments and hard conversations, but honestly, genuinely, Stanley is happy.

But then this screen pops up, after god knows how many runs, and Stanley finds that it concerns him.

“And suddenly, I'm thinking about the scope of this world again, and my place inside it. The realities versus the impressions. I start to think about all of my assumptions, all of the many things I used to take for granted, things you and I spent so long at each other's throats over!”

The Stanley Parable cannot end. It can only spiral in on itself, forever.

I must keep the wheel turning.

A wheel, ever turning. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Don't stop playing the game. Drag your counterpart back when he's finally pulled himself free, and watch him do the same to you.

He should have paid attention. He should have told the Narrator. He should have done something, right?

But what, exactly, can he do? What power does he have here? How does Stanley figure this one out?

-

Across from him, the Narrator stares into the middle distance, hand pressed over his chin and mouth while he thinks aloud.

“Okay, so I guess we have an answer to that Machine starting to work, so that's one mystery solved. Granted, it doesn't really answer the how, but I'm starting to think it's similar to the Museum issue, where certain files are just completely inaccessible to me for gameplay reasons. You don't suppose this has anything to do with her, do you?”

Stanley shakes his head. The voice in the Museum has never interacted with him outside of that space, and the tone of the prompts has never seemed much like her, anyway.

“No, I suppose that would be too easy. Too straightforward of an answer, and we can't have that,” the fellow says sardonically, sighing. He rubs his forehead. “This one's on me, I think, for finally thinking I understood the ins and outs of the Parable. It just keeps throwing surprises at us, and really, we should know better.”

Stanley shrugs, slumped in his chair and rolling over what feels a bit like shame in his stomach. He's just as liable, for not thinking anything of it; for getting kind of complacent. They're both prone to being a bit stupid.

“Your job is to press buttons, Stanley, you've never needed to work with a full toolkit.”

He makes a face at the somewhat-crooked smile directed at him, but the attempt at normalcy is appreciated.

“Well, I don't know what much else there really is to do about this. Whatever it is, it hasn't been malicious at all, so even if it is an actual entity and not just, er, another feature, then we have to assume it's... fine?”

So, what, just... continue on like none of this happened?

The Narrator sighs again, before he straightens from where he's been leaned on Stanley's desk. “I don't know what else we can do. Unless you have any bright ideas.”

...no, not at the moment. He'd probably think on it at least, but if the Narrator isn't going to worry about it, then it's likely out of Stanley's hands too. He stands and stretches, placing a hand on the fellow's shoulder.

He's sorry, again, that he didn't bring this up. But he's glad to see that the Narrator is, by all accounts, taking this pretty well?

“Stanley,” the fellow says, smiling tightly at him, “I am freaking out right now.”

Oh. Um. He kneads his fingers into the Narrator's shoulder in a weak attempt at comfort. A hand lifts and covers his own.

“I'm not upset with you, Stanley. I just wish I had answers for you.”

He nods, and leads the fellow out of his office by the shoulder. Come on. Let's go find a distraction. Door 430, maybe?

“Yes, that... That sounds nice. Thank you, Stanley.”

[takeariskao3]

WIP tag

Thanks for the tags @nodirectionhome-ao3 & @missgryffin!!! both of you are incredible writers and i am just chuffed that you thought of me. <3

List the titles of your top five priorities for WIP updates (link your fics for new readers!)

An upcoming scene, event, or detail in each fic that you're looking forward to writing

Bonus: make a poll for your followers to vote on which top 5 WIP they are most excited to see an update on!

Then tag 10 writer friends!

my wips (and the fact that they are still wips and not finished) make me so sad but we're working through it. also the priority levels have changed massively in the past week or so (whoops)

WIPS:

already gone--amnesia hinny au, ginny wakes up without six years of memory and no context for the world she finds herself in

the path from you-- a post-war hinny au/bodyguard fic, ginny is receiving anonymous letters and harry gets assigned to her case... will their shared history get in the way of solving the mystery?

love wasn't designed for the cynical-- (not posted/oneshot) amnesia/timeloop percabeth au, percy pisses off hera (again) and gets stuck in an alternate universe where he and annabeth never got together. he has to relive the same day over and over with no idea how to get out

spring fever-- a/b/o & sex pollen hinny au, a mutation in the cherry blossoms reactivate a long dormant biological reaction and humanity dissolves into a sex crazed pandemic. through absolutely no fault of their own, harry and ginny end up riding out the stay at home measures together... and maybe, accidentally, trigger each others designations

it's a match!-- (not posted/oneshot) an epistolary (text fic/socmed au) where harry and ginny keep matching across all dating apps over the span over several years. will they ever move past their casual acquaintanceship and actually go on a date?

scenes i'm excited to write:

harry takes ginny to the holyhead harpies stadium. ginny has some expected, and some unexpected, interactions

i'm really looking forward to writing the entirety of chap, 19 to be honest, but specifically harry and ginny trying and failing to have a secret relationship

mr d knows exactly what's going on, and refuses to help percy even a little bit lmaooo

spring fever is tough. i feel like the smut i'm writing right now isn't hitting the plot beats that i want so i am taking a SHORT break from it and focusing on some other things that have more momentum. but i'm excited to write harry and ginny going into a full sex fog and this fic finally earning it's dubious consent tag

i made the graphics so all i have left to do for this one is format the messages... and i'm actually not looking forward to this part because it's so time consuming and trial and error and it's frustrating for me so that's why i haven't posted it yet whoops.... other than that it's done 😅

POLL TIME

my plan was to update already gone next but as always i will honor the results of the sacred tumblr poll

tagging: @thenicestthingiveseen @displayheartcode @brightlybound @starlingflight @nena-96 @celestemagnoliathewriter @corneliaavenue-ao3 @four2andnew @historyevolving @ginnyw-potter @greenhousethree

(sorry if you've already been tagged)

[earlgreytea68]

Ta-da!!!!

Look, I want all of you to know: THIS WAS TECHNOLOGICALLY WAY MORE CHALLENGING THAN I WAS PREPARED FOR. It might just be that I'm getting old. And I'm still not sure I've done it entirely correctly, since I cannot locate the book by searching Amazon, Idk. But Amazon claims you can pre-order Book 1 of Swan Reunion Tour: Trick Up Your Sleeve, in both Kindle and paperback format!

Is this the same story available on AO3? Not quite! It's been edited! Actually, I added quite a bit to expand and fix the love story, now that I knew what it was actually about oops lol. So I suppose you can consider this to contain bonus content. I did, however, have to take out a couple of characters (sorry, Adam and Bach, it was just too crowded a canvas). But, other than that, it should be pretty recognizable as the beginning of the story we all know and love. If you want to see a little bit of how it's different, though: I posted a little preview on my Ainsley North Tumblr, and you'll see that now, per the recommendation of my very smart editor friend, the story starts with a little bit of Matt, just so you know he's coming. ;-)

I want to particularly think @anotherwellkeptsecret for the cover. ISN'T IT AWESOME?????? I love it soooo much, I cannot even deal with it.

Now, I'm honestly very proud of myself and now I have to get started to do it all over again with Book 2 lolololololol

[shewhowas39]

get to know June (my durge)

so i've been working on Juniper & Starlight for a couple months now and idk just thought it'd be fun to do a little write up on June, my dark urge.

***

Name: Juniper Acadia (tho she currently only remembers her first name)

Pronouns: she/her

Age: about 26

Race: i mean, technically Bhaalspawn, but she appears to be a half-elf.

Class: Wizard, School of Divination subclass (tho she does multiclass later, but that's a spoiler)

Alignment: neutral good

Highest Stat: intelligence (closely followed by wisdom)

Lowest Stat: strength (she's more dexterous)

Love Interest: Astarion

Best Friend: Shadowheart (and Scratch)

Height: 5'11" (181cm)

Body Type: June is built like a runner, so slim but not skinny, and with long legs that are more toned than the rest of her body.

Skin: very pale. about as pale as Astarion but with pink undertones.

Hair: Dark, ashy blond and VERY curly, falling to about her mid-back. her hair is thick and there's a lot of it, so it's probablyt he feature most people notice about her first.

Eyes: her eyes are large and round, but what stands out about them is that they are set quite far apart on her face and are an unusually dark, vivid blue.

Face Claim: a young Michelle Pfeiffer, but with rounder, darker blue eyes, somewhat paler skin, and MUCH curlier hair.

Other Notable Appearance Details: her black eyeliner/mascara is almost always running from where she's been crying. she also has Ilmater's holy symbol tattooed on the back of her neck, though she currently has no memory of when, why, or how she got this.

Favorite Color: deep, vibrant purple (like amethyst) as well as sort of a magenta-y pink.

Greatest Passion: history! she loves all knowledge. she's a smart cookie who is very curious about everything, but her passion is history.

Biggest Fear: her own inner darkness/bloodlust. she's terrified of the things she is capable of.

Some Random Facts:

the way her urges and her divination magic manifests causes June to feel like she sometimes experiences time out of order. the present often feels like a dream, making it hard to tell her hallucinations and prophetic visions from reality. it's not fun.

prior to the amnesia, June worked as a sort of tour guide in Baldur's Gate, showing the city's visitors the most notable historical sites. her favorite was the cemetery. (this is also how she found victims.)

her accent would be the same as a norhern Louisiana accent in the real world. it stands out among most people on the Sword Coast, but it's from a small, rural town where she was raised by her adoptive family.

her adoptive family were also half-elves, both of wood elven descent. she had two siblings, both also named after types of trees: Willow and Ash.

June has two core beliefs that drive her: first, never lie to a friend. even if it's dangerous, even if it hurts, once someone is her friend, she feels she owes them the truth. second, everyone deserves a chance at redemption....except for her. (and also probably Cazador.)

she cries a lot. to the point where it's kind of a joke. sometimes it's out of fear, sometimes out of empathy, and sometimes just becaus she's so freaking overhwelmed by the constnat shifts in time and place and her inability to graps onto reality. thus the running mascara at all times.

so that's June. she's currently being a sweet, bloodthirsty, nerdy hot mess in my longfic as well as in a few smutty oneshots you can find on my Ao3.

this isn't a tag, exactly, but if anyone else wants to hop on and use this format, i highly encourage it! i love reading about other people's durges and tavs.

[clubdionysus]

[BAD DECISION #47] Time Out

warnings: the bd lovers doing what they do best: being in luv!! cute date, lots of throwbacks to earlier chapters <33

notes: u can really tell jungkook is my muse bc I'm always so inspired by the content released of him, and the back photo was no different!! soz jimin for cropping u, still luv u tho <3

wc: 4.7K

bd total wc: 540k (ongoing)

AO3 | MASTERLIST | MINORS DNI

Two and half million people call this city their home; hang their washing on lines, walk over the cracks in the pavement, rush through the downtown areas with americanos in hand and smiles on their faces, while they gossip with their friends.

They'll whisper about the latest drama at their workplaces, stories told like folklore, repeated and reimagined a dozen times over. These whispers spread like wildfire; blaze the city with what it means to be alive.

And yet as you and Jeongguk lay on your backs, blankets beneath you, punnets of strawberries and packets of breadsticks to the side, there's no intrusion of anyone else.

Sure, the whir of delivery moped motors rattle a few floors down, and every now and again a jet takes off from the military base for routine laps, but neither of you notice.

There's a city of stars inside Jeongguk; dreams and ambition. Hopes, fears - ones you know, and ones you don't. You could get lost down his roadmaps, and yet always find your way back home.

"See," he says with a smile as he points towards a peach cloud that's lazily tailing across the dusky blue sky. "That's the tail right there. You're just looking from the wrong angle."

"Where?" You laugh right back, head resting midway down his chest. The birds that fly overhead would think you're in a 'T' formation, if they had any understanding of the Latin alphabet.

He's been trying to convince you for a good few minutes that the cloud is shaped like a dragon, but you just can't see it how he does. Looking at the same sky, yet seeing different things.

It's sort of always been that way with you too. Different understandings of the world, and different ways of communicating these understandings. Neither one of you are right, nor wrong. Just different.

The hand of Jeongguk's that isn't pointing to the sky rests by your head, not really doing much. Strokes your hair, occasionally. Scratches your scalp like you're a little puppy. Mostly just holds the top of your head, as if he's protecting your mind from thinking too hard. There's a little bit of dried paint on his fingers, but nothing that bothers you. If anything flakes off, it'll just be washed straight out that evening when you eventually shower.

"Right there," he laughs, chest vibrating hard enough to make your head shake.

There's a safety that comes with Jeongguk; how his palms gently stroke your skin, keeping you close, always. A simplicity, too, in how nothing ever feels too difficult.

In fact, the hardest part of being with Jeongguk like this is the fact that you can't let yourself give in to your emotions; how you want to show him how deeply your affections for him run.

Sex has always been a tool, in that regard. A helping hand. A facilitator of your feelings.

And while you miss the intimacy you're used to sharing with him, it's undeniable that a new, uncharted , form of intimacy is forming.

The clouds drift on by. New shapes greet you just for long enough for the pair of you to dispute what they are, before departing once more. Fleeting and frivolous, the conversations you're engaging in mean nothing at all, and that's one of the things you like about time spent with Jeongguk; how nothing becomes something.

With time, much like your feelings for Jeongguk, the sunset deepens. Grows darker, but not in such a way it invokes fear – more so in the way it embraces you like a warm hug. Welcomes you back. Hides you from the world.

There's still some colour to the sky, and you want to preserve it. Could just take a picture – but you've got so much leftover paint. It's a no-brainer. Only issue is, you've used all the canvases.

Your only option, it would seem, is to use Jeongguk's back.

And who is he to stand in the way of your creative vision?

He lies on his front, arms folded beneath his cheek that's resting upon them. Shirt discarded, his skin is yours to adorn in whatever you like. Eyes closed, there's not exactly anything for him to be looking at – not when you're straddled across his back, out of sight. Why would he care to look at anything other than you? Would only be a waste.

With a knee on either side of his hips, your hands trace over his back gently, assessing how you want to paint him. Part of you doesn't want to do it all; wants to leave his skin pristine.

The broadness of his back is no sudden surprise. You've left marks down the valley of his spine more times than you care to remember. Have left evidence of your lips between his shoulder blades. Pressed dainty littles from the of his tattoo sleeve up to the nape of his neck. Adored. Appreciated. Valued. Worshipped.

But even now, there's something about his body that destroys your mind. It's just atoms. A cluster of cells. A little stardust – and yet he's like a constellation yet to be discovered. They'll honour you. Name him after you. Your big astrological finding; Your Jeon Jeongguk. Tie you to him endlessly. Forever.

The concept of Jeongguk being 'forever' is not new to you. In fact, his permanence has been steadily established over the course of your friendship.

It's just that 'forever' and 'yours' hadn't ever seemed like a real possibility back then.

But now they do.

Articulating such thoughts so early on in the whole dating thing would be naïve and premature, so you keep your mouth shut – but you do also lean down and press a soft kiss to the top of his spine.

"Doesn't feel like paint," he mumbles, a smile on his pretty lips.

"It is," you insist.

"Oh, well in that case," he says, turning his head a little more intentionally to rest his chin on the top of his shoulder. Eyes still closed, there's a sweetness to him whenever his like this; skin dewy, stars hidden. "You missed a bit."

"Did I really?" You simper, leaning a little closer. Let your nose nudge down against his. When your lips are close enough to touch, you whisper, "Where?"

"Right," he husks, pressing his lips up to yours. It's slow. Pastel compared to how brightly he makes you feel. Gentle. "Here."

And even though the kisses are tiny, unable to accurately convey the weight of your feelings for him, Jeongguk knows exactly how you feel. Know that when you first met him, the idea of affection displayed in such a way would send you running for the hills – and now you're the one keeping him locked in place as you straddle his back.

"I'll never get bored of this," he admits. "Never."

"It's only been two dates."

"So? Gimmie two hundred. I'll be saying the same."

"You're so dumb," you giggle as you sit back up, the butterflies in your stomach doing their utmost to let you know they're alive and kicking. Are so violent beneath your ribs that it's a miracle they don't crack one. Wouldn't matter even if they did – Jeongguk'd just it better.

"Determined," Jeongguk counters, that serene smile still on his lips, piercing glimmering in the low light of sunset.

The skies are fading from cherry blossom pink to periwinkle grey, and soon enough they'll be as dark as the lashes splayed across the top of Jeongguk's cheeks. The stars will appear like the freckles on his skin, and it'll be even harder to resist him.

For now, though, you focus on emulating the gradient of the sky, gently dipping one of the brushes into the paint set out especially for this. Your little canvases are dry now, Jeongguk's annoyingly better than yours. You did three tiny paintings each, all with different prompts. No bigger than your palms, they were finished quickly.

The first prompt was a little abstract: paint how the other person makes you feel.

You'd gone with gradients of pink for a background, and a little disco ball in the middle. He'd gone for a starry night sky.

The second was far more direct: your favourite feature of one another.

It had been a struggle for you both to decide on just one feature, and Jeongguk totally cheated by drawing a little stick person and claiming it was you.

But you had cheated too – a teeny black dot.

"Freckle," you'd stated plainly, and when asked which one, you'd grinned and said, "All of them."

The third and final canvas had been the most complex of them all: your favourite memory together.

You spent longer deliberating it than actually drawing it. Settled on Busan; Gwangalli Bay and the infamous bridge that runs across it. Jeongguk couldn't help his smile when he realised what you were creating. Made him feel all kinds of fucked up seeing his forever home painting his childhood home.

When he finally showed you his, you were a little confused.

It was his bed, that much was certain, a flock of paper birds above it.

No distinct memory tied to it, or so you think, until he sheepishly admitted, "I just... Those birds changed everything. Who knows where we would have ended up without them? They're my favourite memory 'cause they cleared the path for the rest of our memories to follow."

"You don't think we would have ended up here regardless?" You had teased, as if it weren't entirely plausible.

Jeongguk had shrugged. Pulled you onto his lap. Kissed you with such intent it felt like you were melting into the warmth of his embrace. "Think you stole so much oxygen from me during that first kiss, that you might have damaged my brain a little in the process. Haven't been able to think straight since then, unless I'm thinking about you."

"I can steal more, if you like?" you'd grinned against his lips. "Make sure you never stop thinking about me."

"B, I don't think that's anything you ever need to worry about," Jeongguk had whispered. "Think I'm gonna be stuck on you until the day I die."

"Morbid."

"Honest."

"Why are we even torturing ourselves?" You'd whined beneath laboured breaths and little kisses, hips languidly grinding against his. "I'll give you forever – just fuck me. Please ."

His hips had picked up as much pace as they could in his position, one of his large hands coming to clasp your wrists behind your back. Still straddling him, you relinquished control as he angled you further back, exposing the wanton look of unadulterated desire on your face as he rutted up against you.

"They're gonna think we're fucking," Jeongguk grunted, nodding to the high-rise towers across the street from your mid-rise apartment. There's an easy twenty floors that look down upon your rooftop.

"Let them."

"Gonna think you're taking my cock," he'd husked, well aware of how thick the bulge in his trousers was. "Gonna think you're bouncing on it like a pretty little slut, aren't they?"

"You want that? Want people to see me getting fucked?"

With a shake of his head, he'd said, "Nah. Want people to see you getting fucked by me . Want them to know exactly who this pussy belongs to."

"You don't own shit."

"Why can I feel how wet you are then, if it's not mine?"

"Basic biology, baby," you'd teased, 'cause you'll never give him the satisfaction of an easy victory. You know that Jeongguk is competitive, and the fair sport in him will always enjoy having to work a little harder for an honest win. "You never go to school?"

"Clearly you didn't," Jeongguk smirked right back, enjoying the bratty side of you he doesn't see as often as he'd really like. You're always a pain in his ass, but something about it when you're in a position like this just really gets him going. "Lacking basic discipline."

"So punish me," you'd flirted. "Show me how you want me to behave."

"Address me properly first."

"We've had this fight before," you reminded him, quietly enamoured by the predictability of it. He's a Virgo, after all. Stuck in his ways. Disciplined . You guess it's why he gets off on topics of conversation like this – order, rules , and the desperate need to stick to them. You don't mind the flirt. What gets him riled up will always, inevitably, have the same effect on you. Just a by-product of how hopelessly infatuated you are. "You don't wanna go down this path."

" Properly ," he'd reinforced.

Fine , you thought.

"So punish me, Sir ."

"Better – but you're in no position to be giving orders." He'd gripped your wrists even tighter. Pulled your posture straighter. Had you gasping a little. "Ask nicely, baby."

"Please," you'd husked, giving in to him because – fuck . " Please punish me, Sir."

Tilting his head to the side, Jeongguk had smirked. Shrugged. "Fine." Kissed you softly, then loosened his grip. Manoeuvred you off his lap.

Adjusted his throbbing cock beneath the confines of his pants, then said, "You're in detention."

"What?" You'd exclaimed, staring at him with wide eyes and an even wider mouth.

"Time out, whatever you want to call it."

The flippancy of his remarks and sudden disinterest wound you up to no avail. You knew it was intentional, and still, you let it. Couldn't help but play right into his little game.

"Under what grounds?!"

"For talking back to a superior-"

"A superior?!"

"There you go again, baby," he'd smirked, reaching for your hand to give it a little squeeze (and check that you weren't really annoyed). "Just extended that time out."

"Oh, you are gonna rue the day you-"

"Extended again," he'd laughed, pulling you closer despite your protests – but when he kissed you, all you could do was give in. You wanted him so badly it hurt . He'd laughed, mumbling into your lips, "You never learn, do you baby? So bratty. So cute."

"I hate you so much."

"So stop kissing me."

"Fuck you."

"You're not allowed," Jeongguk had grinned against your lips. "Time out."

For all of his incessant neediness, Jeongguk could be a stubborn mother fucker when he wanted to be – and proved his point effortlessly for the rest of the evening.

You hadn't tried instigating again, because you knew how it would end up and decided that perhaps he was right to put you on time out.

While no, it's not your fault he's the sexiest man that's ever walked this Earth, and no, you can't be blamed for turning into a salivating mess at the mere thought of getting his cock in your mouth, it is your responsibility to honour the challenge you've set yourselves.

If he can do it, so can you.

It's also sort of why you've made him lay on his front.

If you were to be painting his chest, instead of his back, you'd only end up in the exact same position as before. This way, you can control yourself a little (even if he does have the peachiest ass you've ever seen (guys and girls alike, there's no one beating him (though you never really looked at Jimin's ass for all that long))).

You take great pleasure in the slight chirp he does when you adjust yourself, reaching back for a different shade of blue. It'd be a lie if you said the grind against wasn't even a little bit deliberate.

"And you were saying you didn't want me to fuck your ass," you mutter with a dramatic flair, teasing him slightly for his reaction.

"Never said that," he smirks, mumbling a little. "But a little decorum, please B. If you're gonna fuck it, at least eat it first."

"You prefer to be wined and dined?" You tease right back.

"Don't we all?"

"Romantic."

"Who said anything about romance?" Jeongguk deadpans. "We're just friends?"

"Ah, yeah, my bad," you joke along with him. "Besties."

"Besties who've had each other's genitals in their mouths."

"Don't all besties give each other head?" You question, tone so flippant your joke almost goes over his head.

"If they don't, they should," Jeongguk declares. Thinks fucking his best friend is arguably one of the best things he's ever done. Probably wouldn't recommend it, if he gave it serious consideration, but knows he'd do it again.

"Let's stop talking about sex," you blurt out a little too quickly, which only leads Jeongguk to laugh and question your motives for such a statement.

"Why? Can't control yourself?"

"Have a little decorum, Jeongguk."

"Fair."

He lets you paint without much disturbance. Loves the way it feels to have a saturated brush stroke across his skin. Hums little tunes and makes you guess which song they're meant to be. It's something you could listen to for hours; his voice, and how angelic it is.

Before you know it, you're done, and his back is the prettiest sunset ever witnessed on this earth – all pinks and oranges, blues and pretty white clouds.

You quickly snap a picture of his back – a little angled, capturing just how divine his physique is, but also the art that adorns it. You're no Picasso, but you ain't half bad.

"Here," you say as you clamber off him, and pass him your phone.

He sits up a little, resting on his elbows and looks at the picture with a smile so warm he could burn a hole in the blanket he's lying on top of. Doesn't ask your permission as he presses a few buttons and sets it as your wallpaper.

"I love it," he says softly, passing you back your phone. Angles himself perfectly for a kiss, and you don't even give a second thought as you sink your lips into his. "Talented baby, aren't you?"

"I'm okay," you blush, a little embarrassed by his praise – but he shakes his head.

" So good. Give Tae a run for his money."

"Now that's just an insult to Tae," you laugh, getting comfy on the sheets beneath you both. On your back, you look up to the sky above you. Deep and dark, nighttime greets you like an old friend.

Still on his front, Jeongguk sinks back down, but keeps his head angled towards you. "You don't give yourself enough credit, B."

You think you give yourself plenty. Won't argue against him, 'cause you know what he's like. He'll just double down and be even kinder and then you'll have no choice but the say fuck it and break the rules of your little five-date challenge. It's already been torture. Having him play nicely will only make it worse.

Looking over at him, you brush a little bit of his hair back, as if it were out of place. It wasn't. You just wanted an excuse to touch him. He knows this. Doesn't object. Lets you toy with his hair, because he likes the contact just as much as you do. Has got those pesky stars in his midnight eyes again.

"That thing you said earlier," you muse. "About the birds, and them leading us here..."

"What about it?"

Smiling a little to yourself, you weigh up whether or not you want to divulge a weakness – then decide that he deserves to know. Even though he's never expressed much insecurity over what happened with Jimin, it must be something he considers from time to time.

"I had such a crush on you," you smile, leaning into your weakness, 'cause you know they'll make whatever you have going on with Jeongguk stronger.

"Had?" he hums. "Past tense? You stopped?"

"No," you whisper, as if you're sharing a secret. Bite down on your lip, eyes just as sparkly as the glitter around them. He'll never grow tired of looking at you. Never. "Let me finish my little story."

"Sorry, sorry," he grins, biting down on his lip too, 'cause he just can't help himself. Is so terribly enamoured with you. Can feel his blood as it races through his body, alive with the sensation of what it feels like to experience all the high of a drug without any of the comedowns. In the corner of his mouth, his lip ring does the thing, and it confirms that your crush could never be past tense.

"You remember that first night? In Dionysus?"

He nods.

"I just... God, I fancied you so much," you laugh covering your face with your hand – but it's pulled away by an equally smiley Jeongguk. "Like... You were just so cool, and nice, and – I mean, you have access to mirrors. It's so embarrassing –"

"It's not," he encourages, squeezing the hand he's still holding.

"Oh, but it is," you assure him ever so playfully. "You asked me what I liked – "

"I remember," he says, not to interrupt you, just to reassure you that the memories of that night are just as impactful for him. That he cared just as much as you did, even if neither of you realised it. "Said alcohol."

You nod. "It wasn't a lie – but it wasn't the whole truth."

"No?"

"No," you admit. "Was totally lost for words. Couldn't think of an answer that wasn't 'you'. Panicked and just said alcohol and like – oh god, it's so embarrassing – I just... I thought you were so nice. And not in the way that people say 'nice' to mean boring, I mean nice in the kindest of ways. You were like... like this beacon, right. Like this light . And I just wanted to be wherever you were."

You've never really thought about it, but a light is the best way to describe Jeongguk. He's hope after hardship. The promise of something new. Stars burning so brightly they could blind. It'd make sense.

After all - disco balls need to be shined upon. Need light to reflect the magnificence of their mirrors.

And perhaps you needed Jeongguk. Not to fix you, nor to pretend like your past had never happened; but to help you restore yourself. Become stronger. He put glue on your glass, and let you stick it in place. Different from what you once were, but arguably far more beautiful. Complex in a way your past self wouldn't recognise.

Maddeningly complicated, and yet so effortlessly simple; that's you and Jeongguk. Just a girl, and a boy. A disco ball, and a barman. A bad decision, and the conviction to make it regardless of the outcome – and fuck . You're glad for it. Would make all your mistakes ten times over if it put you here.

Your only regret is that it took you so long.

"That's why you kept coming back to the bar, hm?" He hums.

"I drank far too much that night," you laugh. "Would also get halfway through a drink, and then give it to Hobes just so I could run back to get another one from you."

The admittance is just as freeing as it is embarrassing. Honesty is nice, and the least of what you both deserve.

"That first summer," he says, exhaling a deep breath. Decides to repay your vulnerability with a little of his own. "I looked for you. Every shift. I served drinks, and I looked for you in the crowd and did little else. Drove myself crazy on the nights you weren't there."

"I was there most weeks," you remind him – but then that reminds you both that the first weekend you weren't there was the time when Seokjin came back to town just to fuck with your still fragile heart. It doesn't affect you now, not in the way it did. Still annoys you. Pisses you off that someone could treat you so horribly – but it doesn't hurt. Not anymore. "And even when I wasn't... Well, I mean I still ended up at yours that night, didn't I, Gguk? My silly little brain felt like it was falling apart and it thought , y'know what'll fix this? Fix me? Jeongguk ."

There's silence for a second. Acknowledgement that this has always been more than what you've tried to cosplay it as.

"Just took me a while to realise," you admit a little sheepishly.

"When?" he quietly implores. "When did you realise?"

"Think I've known for a while, now," you admit. "But for definite ? Pohang – Yoongi and Seoyeon's celebrations – that's where I kinda reached the point of no return, yanno? Knew that if you didn't want more, then I was screwed."

He shakes his head with a disbelieving smile - not at you, but at how stupidly poetic it all is. Mutters, "Something about sea air, man."

"Whatcha mean?"

"Busan," he simply states. "That's when I knew. I mean, I already knew – but then Busan happened and I just... you asked me what we were. And I panicked. Thought that you were reinforcing the whole... friends thing."

"Oh, you idiot," you laugh. "Gguk, I was practically begging for you to say that it meant more."

"Yeah, see, retrospectively, that's very clear – but hey! You never outwardly said you liked me!"

"Because rejection might not be my main issue, but it's still not nice!"

"Oh my God," he gasps, coming to an awful realisation. " I rejected you . I totally rejected you. Oh, I'm so sorry."

And despite the apologies that are mumbled through little giggles, and the way he keeps calling you baby, it's the way Jeongguk holds your cheeks and peppers you in teeny tiny kisses – forehead, nose, cheeks, lips – that let you know he really does mean it.

The night dissolves in much the same way – laughter and kisses that are really just an excuse to feel close to one another. The security that comes with admitting you didn't rush in, that this is something you've given an endless amount of thought to, is liberating.

Jeongguk does argue, again, that you don't need the five dates. Whines. Says that you're both sure of it. Says that he's basically been dating you for months. Tells you how nice it feels to talk like this. How happy it makes him feel. How much he wishes he could go back in time. Undo things, and get them right the first time.

"I don't mind," you muse, still up on the rooftop as it nears midnight. You're looking up at the stars, and Jeongguk is on his front, head resting on your chest. Mindlessly playing with his hair, you provide him with a comfort he doesn't think he's ever felt before. "The things that went wrong, I mean. You're still obsessed with me regardless-"

"I tolerate you," he jokes, and it makes you smile.

The thing is, you've been tolerated before.

Jeongguk doesn't tolerate you. He venerates you. Reveres. Worships, on occasion. Adores, constantly. Even when you fight, or are being quite intolerable, he never looks at you without stars in his eyes. You've argued before. Insisted that he didn't give a shit, but you've never believed it. Not really. Just wanted him to say that he cared.

'Cause unlike people from the past, you know that Jeongguk does. Know that you don't need to beg him to treat you with compassion.

And so you say, "You're a liar, Jeon Jeongguk."

"Yeah," he whispers with a smile. "I am."

"You are obsessed with me."

"Yeah. I am."

"You should shower," you eventually concede, knowing you need to go back to reality and face the world at some point. "Wash this paint off. Have left it on for far too long already. You'll break out."

"Don't act like you give a shit about my skin," Jeongguk laughs. "You just want me naked."

"I never said I'd join you."

"You always join me."

"Not today."

"You're gonna kill me," Jeongguk whines into your chest. Squeezes a boob, just 'cause he can. "So mean, Disco Ball."

"And that," you laugh, ridding his grip on you. "That's exactly why I won't be joining you."

Funny, really.

Not even ten minutes later, he's standing beneath the steamy onslaught of your shower, back pressed to the tiles, a brow raised as the water runs down his torso. The rivulets drip across his abs, down his v-line and to his –

"That thing where I said I wasn't gonna join you-"

"Get in."

[olderthannetfic]

Super tiny fonts and aesthetic crap is a huge turnoff for me -- I salute your anon for continuing with that fic in the first place. If unusual formatting is unrelated to the storytelling, it kicks you out of the fic every time you have to squint, because the presence of the author is so annoying it's like they're sitting there breathing down your neck. It's also unforgivably inconsiderate of people with poor eyesight. I usually hit backspace as soon as I find any deliberately hard-to-read font or appearance. Also, maybe it's my weirdly anxious brain or bad experiences losing work, but I'm amazed at all the people like your anon who find long one-shots a problem because they can't mark their place in the fic. If it's happened enough to become an issue, why don't ppl download the fics? Like, as soon as you open the fic itself on ao3 to start reading, even though you're not sure if you'll like it enough to finish it, download it. You can always delete it later if you don't like it. If you download it, you'll open it using your phone's pdf reader (I use MoonReader). If you have to stop reading for any reason, the app keeps the fic where you left it so you don't have to mark anything. Although to be honest that baffles me as well. I can't imagine struggling to find your place. Isn't the story like, consuming you 24/7? Isn't the place where you stopped haunting you enough that you have the closest distinctive phrase or word to it memorized so you can then CTRL F it (or search for it, if you're on your phone) to find your place again?

I don't know -- I dislike chapters and prefer super long one-shots. Then again I'm weird and usually the minority when it comes to most things (in both fic and RL). I'm the same anon who doesn't comment on fics by authors begging for comments or threatening to stop the fic or whining abt having to stop writing a new chapter because there's no interest (even though ppl are still leaving kudos, which I can see because the number of names newer than mine on the kudos list keeps increasing), while most ppl I see astonishingly (to me) love actually interacting with the author. *shudders* That to me is like seeing, I don't know, your favorite celeb and actually willingly going towards them for an autograph or a selfie etc. If I run into a celeb I like I don't even make eye contact. So maybe the norm for ppl is to hate long one-shots. I don't know. I love them. But yeah -- if it's such an issue it's ruining stories you enjoy, then consider downloading? It's also a safeguard that has never failed me when authors suddenly delete their fics, and if you read obscure ones, you discover no one else has them saved, so you can never find them again.

--

[gallavichthings]

Gallavich Things Events Calendar

Hello, lovelies!

The poll I made last week isn't closed yet, but it's clear to see where it's heading. Therefore, and to ease everyone's anxiety, here's the calendar with the events this blog will be hosting FOR THE NEXT YEAR (with more details about each event after the cut):

Sep./23

1st or 2nd week: guidelines and prompts for the Kinktober will be posted.

Oct./23

Kinktober

Nov./23

1st or 2nd week: guidelines for the Masquerade posted/sign-ups open

Dec./23

1st week: sign-ups for the Masquerade close

2nd week (exact day TBD): Masquerade

also 2nd week: guidelines for the gift exchange posted and sign-ups open

Jan./24

2nd week: Deadline to send guesses about the Masquerade (possibly extended if there's a large number of fics);

also 2nd week: Sign-ups close for the gift exchange and prompts are posted

Feb./24

14th: gift exchange (possibly taking over more days, depending on the number of participants)

Mar./24

My birthday lol; jk, we rest. We rest, ok? And you can participate on other events posted by other blogs. But if you want to send me birthday gifts, I'll accept. XD

Apr./24

Spring cleaning again??? Or we rest some more, idk.

May/24

Gallavich Week themes revealed

Jun./24

2nd or 3rd week: Gallavich Week

Jul./24

We rest again? Go outside? Enjoy the summer?

Aug./24

A.U.gust again? Rinse & repeat?

And now for more details:

About the Kinktober, I probably won't be doing a theme per day because I feel like that might be tiring. Also, we just did that for A.U.gust and I saw another Gallavich blog posting something like that for September, so I figured we give people a bit more freedom this time around. I'm thinking of either just a list of prompts that you can post whenever, or a bingo, or one ample/general theme per week... But I'm open to suggestions.

About the Masquerade: Yes, I know most people voted to have it along the Kinktober, but there was also a quite significant amount of people who said they'd rather have it after it. I figured the people who voted to have it alongside Kinktober would still participate it if I had it later, but the opposite was likely not true, so I figured this was better. Also, I will be requesting sign-ups, but they're just so I can organize everything, so the deadline will be quite close to the posting day. Posting will likely be on an AO3 anonymous collection (I'll have to test that first), and the guesses will be made through a Google Form. One more thing: I think it would be nice to have fanart/videos/gifsets as the prizes (preferably about the Masquerade fics themselves), both for the person (or people) who manage to guess the most authors correctly and for the author who manages to "deceive" more people (still deciding on that, but anyway...), so if you make any of this and would like to volunteer, let me know.

About the gift exchange: it was postponed for next year for three reasons: 1) there was no set event in February, so I figured this would be cute and fit the theme of Valentine's Day - instead of secret Santas, you'll have secret admirers ;) ; 2) it gives people more time to participate, since most other fandoms have their gift exchange events at the end of the year; 3) it leaves the Masquerade at the end of the year, which is an event with lower stakes (no one is expecting people to produce anything, so it's easier to cancel their participation if something happens). I reserved actual Valentine's Day for it, but I believe it'll actually happen throughout the week. The format will be the same as in the last couple of years, with participants picking the prompts they'd like to fulfill.

I assumed we'll be doing A.U.gust again next year, but that's not set in stone. Spring Cleaning is also a possible event, but we'll see. Gallavich Week will be happening, as always.

I hope this has helped! If you have any questions,suggestions or comments at all, feel free to send me an ask.

[marsbarsfrommars]

if you need to be mean (be mean to me)

star wars: the high republic | rated t | complete | 2,661 words | avar kriss & elzar mann, a little avar kriss/elzar mann | hurt/comfort, angst, little bit of fluff

summary

“Are you alright?” he asks then, his voice gentle yet heavy with concern. It makes her want to scream at him and break down crying at the same time. She chooses the former. “Of course I'm not!” she snaps, whirling around to face him with so much force she nearly stumbles. “Starlight is lost at the bottom of the ocean, along with Stellan and Maru and so many others, and it's all my fault!”

or, a continuation of their argument in sos #2

read

under the cut or on ao3 for better formatting

notes

I told everyone who asked me to write more elvar (I'm incredibly honoured by that btw) that it would definitely take a while, but it hasn't even been a week so now I look like an idiot, but at least I have this for you

this one is dedicated to everyone on tumblr and ao3 who commented/liked/reblogged/left kudos on my last fanfic. your support means the world to me and is probably the reason I was able to finish this so fast

unfortunately, this is not as fluffy as the last one, but I really wanted to write this because I feel like we don't talk about avar's trauma regarding starlight and stellan's death enough. she deserves to let it all out and receive the comfort she needs.

I need to be real with you for a moment, though. I struggle with perfectionism, and that makes me really insecure about my writing, and while I try to overcome it, I have managed to convince myself that this is actually the worst thing ever written in the history of fanfiction. initially, I didn't want to post it at all, but I'm trying to overcome my perfectionism because it's actually pretty hard to get anything done like this, so I have forced myself to post it anyway. that is actually not at all relevant to the fanfic itself, but I needed to get this off my chest. anyways, I hope this isn't as bad as I think it is and you actually enjoy it

what avar and elzar say to each other during the first argument at the beginning of this will probably seem familiar to you because those are direct quotes from the comic. everything after that is written by me only.

also, english isn't my first language, so please just ignore any grammar/spelling mistakes

content warning for survivor's guilt, loss of a loved one (stellan in this case) and description of the start of a panic attack, but it's not more severe/graphic than in the books

“I am going into Nihil territory. I will find their leaders and bring them to justice,” she said when they fought that afternoon, the anger clear in her voice but not fully masking the still-audible edge of desperation.

Elzar looked taken aback. “Wait, you're leaving? After I just told you…” he hesitated then, like he just realised something. “Is that why? Because of what I did?”

It wasn't; of course it wasn't; she would never dream of leaving him because he had made a mistake. Normally, she would have explained herself and told him that she wanted to leave because of her own mistakes, not his, but she was too shaken up to properly explain herself, and he continued talking almost immediately.

“Or… is it something to do with us?”

“I can't make important decisions based on us, Elzar. I am a Jedi,” she answered, already turning on her heel and starting to walk away from him. “And so are you.”

She left him in their tent and went to help with the relief efforts until dusk, when the Eirami disaster relief workers told her to go and rest. She protested, of course, but they couldn't be persuaded to let her continue helping them.

She debated checking on the other Jedi, but she couldn't bring herself to face them at the moment. Ultimately, she decided to walk back to the refugee camp, hoping that Elzar wouldn't be in their tent. Out of all the people here, he was the one she wanted to see the least.

When Avar opens the door to the tent now, it's empty, and she lets out a breath of relief. Maybe I really should rest for a while, she thinks, even though deep down she knows she won't be able to, despite her tiredness. Nevertheless, she strips off her torn and singed cloak and washes her hands and face at the small sink in the corner.

Someone placed water and a small pile of ration bars on the low table between the bunks while she was away. Avar unwraps a bar and takes a bite. It tastes like nothing, like it always does, but unlike so many other times before, she's not bothered by it this time; she has no appetite anyways.

She takes another bite and lets her thoughts wander, almost desperately trying to avoid thinking of Stellan and Starlight. Amazingly enough, she succeeds. Instead, her thoughts travel back to Elzar and the argument they had this afternoon, which is only a marginally better thing to think about if she really intends to rest.

I can't make important decisions based on us, Elzar. I am a Jedi. And so are you, she told him and she meant it, she still means it. They are Jedi, after all. They can't put their feelings for each other above the wellbeing of the galaxy. Not that he had asked her too; he would never. Both of them believe in being Jedi too much for that.

Deep down, she knows that her desire to leave has nothing to do with them at all, and everything with her not being able to face her own failures. But it's easier to not think of that right now. Instead, she reminds herself that there is no them—there can't be, not like it's supposed to be, because they're Jedi and because Stellan is dead. They are a constellation missing a star, a composition with one note crossed out, an ocean devoid of life. They are forever incomplete. And there is nothing she can do to fix that. She has failed them all.

The pain manifests as a physical ache in her chest, and it becomes harder and harder to breathe. Before, Avar had hardly noticed the panic building up inside her, but now it threatens to overwhelm her. She clenches her trembling hands into fists and tries to breathe as deeply and evenly as possible. This is not supposed to happen to her. She is a Jedi; she doesn't let her emotions control her. She's not supposed to be overwhelmed by them or feel like she might die.

Avar tries to push the panic away, but the harder she tries, the worse it gets. Theoretically, she knows she has to calm herself, but it's hard to focus on anything but the fact that she can hardly breathe. Every single one of her senses is solely focused on the panic, until she abruptly senses something else—she expected him to return at some point, but she didn't expect that point to come so soon and even hoped to be gone by then. The shock snaps her out of the spiral she was threatening to go down and lets her focus on her breathing until she feels the panic subside. It's still there, but it's less overwhelming now.

She feels Elzar's presence before she hears the door open. At least one thing is still the same. He pauses at the open door, and there's a moment where neither of them say anything. Avar thinks he might just turn around and leave again, but he doesn't. Instead, he closes the door behind himself and walks over to her, stopping a few steps behind her. “Are you alright?” he asks then, his voice gentle yet heavy with concern. It makes her want to scream at him and break down crying at the same time. She chooses the former.

“Of course I'm not!” she snaps, whirling around to face him with so much force she nearly stumbles. “Starlight is lost at the bottom of the ocean, along with Stellan and Maru and so many others, and it's all my fault!”

He doesn't seem taken aback by her anger. A part of her wishes he was, wishes he would shout back. He doesn't. His voice remains gentle when he shakes his head and says, “It's not, Avar. I said this earlier too, but you can't put all the weight on yourself. I know you blame yourself, but no one else does, I promise you.”

“And how would you know that?” Her voice is raised and full of anger, she's almost shouting. It's unnecessarily mean, she knows that. Elzar is just as hurt as she is, he doesn't deserve to be the target of her rage at all, but he's here right now, and the anger is simmering hot beneath her skin. She knows she shouldn't give into it, but she's afraid of what will be left once the rage is gone.

“I know,” he responds, still infuriatingly calm, “because everyone out there has made mistakes as well, and some of those mistakes have set something in motion that got people hurt in the end, but no one blames them for that. How could they? Making a mistake that gives people who want to harm others the opportunity to do so doesn't make you wholly responsible for the harm caused. Sometimes it doesn't make you responsible at all.”

He's right. She knows he's right, but she can't quiet the song of fault and failure the Force has been singing to her all day. It's as overwhelming as the panic had been before.

Elzar continues talking. “Yes, you've made mistakes that indirectly led to all this happening, but so did I, so did Stellan, so did the Council, so did the Chancellor, and so did lot's and lot's of other people. But in the end, it's the Nihil alone who blew up Starlight. They caused all of this. They are to blame for all the deaths and all the hurt.”

He still sounds calm, but there's a clear edge of desperation in his voice now. “I know it's hard to accept that no one else blames you, when you blame yourself.” He doesn't say, I blame myself, too, doesn't say, If you blame anyone but the Nihil, it should be me, doesn't say, Logically, I know what I said is true, but I won't stop thinking it's all my fault, but she knows anyways. Normally, she would try to comfort him, like he's trying for her now, but she is unable to comfort anyone right now, not even herself.

“But I need you to know that the galaxy doesn't blame you, Avar. I don't blame you, and I know that Stellan doesn't-, didn't… that he didn't either.”

And that's what makes her tip over the edge she has been so precariously balancing on. “You have no idea what Stellan thinks of me or if he would blame me!” She's definitely shouting now. “The last thing we ever did was fight! It's the only thing we've done the past year, and now Stellan is dead and I can't ever tell him that I'm sorry and that I didn't mean any of it and that he will always be my best friend and that I… that I…” her voice breaks, effectively interrupting her rambling outburst. She has to take a deep, shaky breath before continuing, only to find that she can't. At last, her voice has failed too. That's when all the emotions she had been so carefully pushing down finally spill over and she just breaks down.

Elzar is there to catch her. He takes two quick steps forward and wraps his arms around her. Avar allows him to pull her close and clings to him like a lifeline. She buries her face against his shoulder and starts sobbing uncontrollably. He holds her for what feels like hours and lets her cry for as long and as hard as she needs to, while gently caressing her back and occasionally stroking her hair.

Eventually, the tears stop coming, and her breathing steadies enough to allow her to speak again. She pulls away slowly, not enough to create any real distance between them, but just enough to look him in the eyes. Elzar’s been crying too, she realises. His face is stained with tears, and his eyes are just as red as hers probably are. She brings one hand up to cup his face and he leans into it like it's instinct.

Avar leans her forehead against his and closes her eyes. They’re so close now that they are sharing breaths. She can't remember the last time they've been this close to each other. She missed this; she missed him.

“I'm sorry I yelled at you,” she whispers, her voice hoarse from all the crying. “It's just… I miss Stellan. I miss him so much, and I can't stop blaming myself for Starlight and for never apologising to him.”

“It's alright, I understand. I miss him too.” Elzar's whispering too, his voice as hoarse as hers. “And I know that he didn't blame you—he would never. He wanted to apologise and make things right with you. He missed you, Avar, and he wasn't angry with you in the end.”

She had thought she physically couldn't cry anymore, but she feels the telltale pressure of tears behind her eyes return at his words. “If he didn't blame me, he didn't blame you either, El.” It’s the only thing she manages to say before she has to bury her face against his shoulder, as her body is once again wracked by sobs. Elzar is crying too, she can tell by the way he's trembling in her embrace.

She doesn't have to question if what he told her is true or not; he wouldn't lie to her, she knows that. She also knows that he believes what she told him. It makes everything a little better. Still, neither of them will stop blaming themselves. Starlight is still gone, and Stellan is still dead, and there is nothing they can do to change that. The grief is something they have to accept and work through, as is the Jedi way. And as much as each of them wants the other to be okay, it's not something they can offer one another. Elzar and her—they're as broken as the song of the Force and all they can do is hold each other so they don't fall apart. It's a painful realisation, but Avar is grateful for it nonetheless. It's better than the panic or the anger.

It's then that she truly realises how tired she is. Her body feels heavy with exhaustion, and she doesn't think she can stay on her feet a moment longer without collapsing. “I think we should try to sleep,” she tells him.

Elzar nods. “Yeah, we should. I can go and find another tent if you-”

“No,” she interrupts him firmly. She doesn't want to be alone tonight, not anymore, and she imagines he doesn't either.

“Alright,” he answers, and Avar can hear the relief in his voice.

They pull away from each other fully, and while she toes off her boots and takes off her belt, outer tunic, and gloves, Elzar strips off his cloak and washes his hands and face like she had done earlier tonight. He takes off his boots, belt, and outer tunic as well, but leaves his gloves on, which should strike her as odd, but she's too tired to even question it right now.

They sit down on the edges of their respective bunks, facing each other. After everything, the physical distance between them feels too far like this. It's something both of them know, but neither is brave enough to address in fear of overstepping the boundaries they've so carefully drawn up between them. It's not something Avar can deal with tonight, she decides. So she walks over to him, sidestepping the low table, until she's standing right in front of him and he's looking up at her. There is a question in his gaze, he doesn't dare assume anything. She cups his face again, this time with both hands, to reassure him and because she wants to.

“El,” she whispers his name. There's more she had planned to say, but all the words are wiped from her head when his hands find her hips. This doesn't need to be discussed; they understand each other just fine without words. He gently squeezes her hips before letting go and scooting back on the narrow bunk. She climbs in beside him. It's clearly not made for two adult humans to comfortably sleep next to each other, but they make it work. They lie down side by side, faces turned to each other, and Elzar pulls the blanket over both of them. They don't speak, both of them are too exhausted to have a conversation.

Elzar softly brushes his lips against her forehead in lieu of saying good night, and she presses her hand against his chest, right over his heart.

They fall asleep like this. Lying on their sides, facing each other, arms slung over waists and legs intertwined. It's a surprisingly deep and restful sleep considering the events of the day. For a moment, it feels like maybe they'll be okay after all.

In the end, though, that night changes very little in the grand scheme of things. Avar still leaves in the morning. She wakes before he does and slips out of his arms and the bunk as quietly as possible. As much as it hurts her to leave Elzar like this, she knows in her heart that she can't go back to Coruscant. She can't face her own failures, so she tells herself someone needs to be out there fighting the Nihil and runs, even if she hates herself for it a little.

(Six days later, the Stormwall goes up and she's trapped in the Occlusion Zone with no way home. Three hundred seventy-six days later, she finally hears Elzar's message and his words make her sob once again. Three hundred and seventy-eight days after she left him on Eiram, she steps into the Council Chambers in the Temple on Coruscant and he's there. It takes her three hundred seventy-eight days to find her way home, but she gets there in the end.)