#my friends are all mad at me so I've no one else to vent to lmao :-)

[silenthillbunni]

.

[qilinkisser]

uuuUUGHGHGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[g0giro]

PLEASE READ THIS!!! NEOPENTANE5 TOLD ME TO KILL MYSELF AFTER I TALKED ABOUT THAT SHE SUPPORTED RAPE TO MY FRIEND

Someone sent this to me, and I have something to say about it. Don't buy what she said on her Twitter, I explained every single detail below.

I'm adding these pictures as well since these tweets were basically her referring to me and saying a lot of bad things about me. I've heard this meant "I wish you go kill yourself", "You don't deserve any friends" and so on, so I decided to translate it. She deleted it, and it's gone by now, but I could get a screenshot of her saying it.

TL;DR: I cut neopentane5 off and blocked her last year, I've been struggling because of severe depression since last year and she was the main reason who caused it, I vented about how I felt and what I couldn't understand her to my friend, and somehow it ended up with Neopentane5 seeing my DM with my friend and she self attacked me on her Twitter because of the DM, revealing my personal information and writing on her Twitter that I need to kill myself.

Below this is about what exactly happened and how Neoepentane5 tried to justify her actions. I explained it with all the proof that she was wrong and spreading misinformation, including some NSFW pictures she sent.

I don't know where to start, but let me talk about what happened last year between me and her.

The first reason I cut her off :

A few months ago, a guitarist of my favorite band passed away, so I was really shocked and sad, and I wanted to talk about it to someone and get comforted. There was a discord server where I, Neopentane5, and some other people were so I went there and talked about it. One of them asked me about it, but Neopentane5 just said nothing but sent a nsfw pic right below my text, completely ignoring me.

It was really rude and disrespectful, not just because the guitarist was my favorite but it was really weird and absurd of her to send a nsfw pic when she heard that someone died. Because of this, I was feeling depressed, so I tried not to pay attention to the server and her. I muted the notifications and tried to do something else like watching movies, playing games, or going out and so on because I thought it would become better if I could ignore this.

But she kept sending a bunch of nsfw pictures like these pictures without my consent and I was really overwhelmed and mad because of it.

This is the uncensored version of the screenshots.

The second reason why I cut her off:

Around last Halloween, I posted this to do inbox trick or treating. People who wanted to join it left likes there, and everyone who left likes on that post answered back, but Neopentane5 was the only one who didn't do anything even though she left her like. I thought she might be busy, and I asked her why she hadn't answered. She said she read it and wanted to draw something for it and would post it that night, but I didn't really mind if she wanted to draw something or not, because I was content with communicating with people by sending some candy pics and it was wholesome.

She really seemed to draw one for it, and I didn't want to let her down by saying I didn't really need her drawing or so, so I gave her enough time and she didn't post anything about it even two weeks had passed. I was really getting upset and depressed because it felt like I was worthless and not worth being remembered or cared about. I stopped texting her and everyone back then because of my depression.

Then she suddenly texted me first unusually and it was like this.

She just wanted to use me for translating that picture when she clearly knew that I didn't like the reboot stuff and didn't want to see it at all. She could've just googled it and used a translator, but she still decided to ask me to translate it for her. I had been feeling really down that time, and I didn't want to text back, but I also didn't want to make her feel bad so I just joked like I was all good and translated it for her. I felt I was worthless than the google translate and she just laughed it off and didn't really care about it when she should've made a proper apology. It didn't look like a person who was genuinely feeling sorry and it made my mental state worse. So I said just forget about it, and she didn't even answer back.

Other reasons I cut her off:

I had been already feeling depressed because I had always felt that I was the only one who cared about the 'friendship' she claimed to call it. Whenever I wanted to 'talk' with her, I always had to bring something interesting related to the fandom stuff, or she didn't even reply or reply very carelessly like "okay cool" a few days later when I texted her. She also didn't text me first usually, and I noticed it when I started talking with her last year. I thought I could talk about it to her and solve the problem together, so I seriously asked her to text me first sometimes and told her that I was feeling neglected because of her lack of messages. She said she wasn't just a talkative person and didn't really start a conversation first, but it was also the same for me because I wasn't a talkative one either. At least she promised that she would change and try to message me first, but she didn't. I talked about it to her more than three times, but she didn't even try hard to keep her promise and I lost trust that it would fix anything if I talked with her.

This was the last conversation when I blocked her.

I was trying not to be rude, and I explained why I decided to distance her. If she actually cared about the 'friendship', then she should've apologized to me and asked me if we could start over. But she immediately decided to cut me off (which means she didn't care about me) and started making excuses to justify her actions.

About Neoepentane5 saying something supportive about rape:

She tried to make her words promising about rape is okay by using the logic that she's Asian and Asian people are like that. Me, as a Korean, I don't support rape and I am against people who tolerate rape in any case. I couldn't understand how could a person be okay with rape at all and I was so disgusted by it, so I vented it to my friend because I'd already cut her off and there was no way for her to see this, a few days ago. But somehow, Neopentane5 was able to see my DM which I only intended to share with my friend, and wrote about it, making excuses and revealing my Discord name and Tumblr blog to the public, allowing her followers could easily attack me when I had no intention to expose her when I was talking with my friend.

We used to be friends, but we didn't quarrel and the quarrel she means is the last conversation I wrote about above, where I was explaining why I decided to block her. I didn't drive a distance between Neopentane5 and her friends, in fact, there was only one person I asked why didn't they distance Neopentane5 yet. The friend she was talking about was also my friend, and when I decided to block her, I told the friend too. I was genuinely worried about the friend because they said that they also had problems with Neopentane5 before and had an emotionally hard time because of her.

I talked about my interaction with her to my friends, not making it go on the public. Every person can feel bad and hate someone, and I needed to vent my feelings to my friends, Neopentane5 is talking about this as if I did something wrong after seeing what she wasn't able to see. About how she could manage to see my DM, my friend shared it with someone else without my consent and their friend shared it again to another, and so on. This is a wild guess, but when I talked to the friend after blocking Neopentane5 they said they already knew what happened, and in the way Neopentane5 talked in the last conversation I had with her, it's not hard to assume that she probably said many bad things about me. I don't blame her for talking back behind my back, because it's natural to vent someone's feelings to someone, but it's very disappointing and frustrating to see her attack me.

When I said I could make her an account, she denied it because she didn't want to look weak in front of me and said it was cheap to buy a new phone number, saying it didn't even cost a single dollar.

It was one game she bought, and I told her how much I appreciated it enough that she told me to stop praising her. However, she hadn't played it once when I asked her to play it together later. I don't know what she's talking about the 'learning new ways to use AI for me' because if she's talking about CAI, I was the one who was making characters mostly and I've never asked her to make one for me.

I asked her to do RP with her because it looked like she was getting tired of CAI's waiting line and the limited responses. I said it was totally okay if she didn't want to do so, but she accepted it and then I made a server to invite her. She talked like she didn't enjoy it at all, but as embarrassing as it might sound, I enjoyed it and appreciated her for doing it together, and when I asked her if she was enjoying this too, she said yes and saved funny moments we had.

I say it again that it wasn't an argument or a quarrel. I explained why I wanted to distance her instead of just blocking her without any words, giving her the last chance to apologize and to make things better again. I explained it in the last conversation I had with her, you can read about how she keeps trying to justify her careless actions toward me by saying she's just forgetful and I don't understand her at all when I was struggling because of my depression and I needed someone to show me that they cared about me, but she couldn't understand me at all. I expected her to show it to me because she said I was special and different unlike the other friends she had, but maybe I was too naive.

I've never talked about anything related to her to the public or in my account where anyone can see it until now. Look at who decided to point me out and blame me, revealing my blog and discord account.

It's also not healthy to write me to go kill yourself.

This is all, and it was Neopentane5 who started blaming me on the Internet first. These are her Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram pages. I hope anyone who reads this will distance yourself from her and her devotees, and it would be appreciated if you could reblog this post and share it on other websites like Twitter too.

Sorry for tagging the fandom tags, but I don't want other people to suffer the same thing I did. Thank you for reading a long post. + I edited the post since it was flagged.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hi there! How are you doing? I have some questions, well, a rant *plus* some questions.

I feel... safer with allo allies than I do with aro/ace communities (online). Does that make me aphobic/bad? I don't go by labels because for me, they're not necessary. If I *were* to label myself based purely on definitions, I would be aroace, specifically, demiromantic asexual. I used to go by this a while back.

I don't fit the stereotype of being aroace at all. I'll talk about the aromantic side. Unlike most arospecs i've seen online, I LOVE Valentine's day! I LOVE shipping! I LOVE consuming romance fiction. I LOVE romance et cetera et cetera and yet I don't experience it like allos do. I need a strong bond with someone in order to fall in love and it takes me really, really, long to do so. But once it happens, my love is not 'weak'. It makes me pass really well as allo because of this, but it makes a lot of people in the aro community mad because I'm 'stealing' a label to 'feel special'. I was always told I was not aroace, that I couldn't be aroace by definition. That I was alloromantic asexual pretending to be on the arospec. That I was too scared to be 'basic'.

On that topic, and I think this is unintentional, but... why is nobody batting an eye when an aro or an ace person shames an allo or calls them weird or basic? Because they're doing exactly what allo aphobes are doing to them. I had this conversation with a friend and he said, 'that doesn't happen, allo people don't get shamed especially by aspec people', yet, I keep seeing things like 'I fucking hate allos so much' and 'To all my aces, we're not like allos, we're better' or something along those lines.

Whenever I enter an aspec online space, I'm made to feel like an intruder because, as I said, my experiences are very similar to the allo experience EXCEPT for the fact that I don't feel romantic attraction unless a strong bond has been formed. I'm not saying the aroace community is bad in any way, don't get my wrong, I'm saying that there is a massive gatekeeping problem going around and so much bubbling hatred and separation, and I don't understand any of it. In a prefect world, I'd happily identify as aroace, but I feel ashamed to do so now.

The gatekeeping... the infighting, I don't want to hate the online community of which I'm supposed to belong but this... this isn't right. The allo allies don't do things like this. They don't make me feel insecure about myself. And yes, while I don't experience romance like an allo would, I feel safe around them. I need to ask, have you seen this too? Have you experienced this? Is this truly all in my head? What do you think?

I apologize for the vent or if I seem aphobic, I just really need answers and I'm tired of the constant hatred... How are you? Did you drink enough water? Did you sleep well today? Did you eat? Again, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable with this!

Vents are totally welcome, Anon. Don't worry.

I'm really sorry you ran into gatekeeping, Anon. I feel like that's something that's really been on the rise especially over the last couple of years. It's a real issue and it causes a lot of harm. This should go without saying, but demiromantic people are aro, and have just as much right to be here as anyone else on the aro spectrum.

I do think at least part of the problem is social media in general and how things are set up these days. We don't have community spaces as much anymore, in particular we've lost moderated spaces where gatekeepers can be properly dealt with. And there's very little curation or organization. Things are chaotic and fragmented, and one person's experience and what kind of posts they say see may vary wildly from someone else's. There's also a competing needs issue, where one aro may need to vent about romance, another may need their romantic side validated and there's no way to organize so each can find the space they each need.

If finding aro spaces/blogs that are more accepting is important to you, Anon (and it's OK both if it is or isn't), my big advice would be seek out demiromantic blogs and posters specifically. There's some very good ones around and they'll be posting about aro things that are relevant to you, and even more importantly won't be gatekeeping demi identities.

For more aro-general blogs, there are ones out there that are also inclusive and anti-gatekeeping, but it may take a bit of work to find them. Be very liberal with your unfollow and block buttons. If someone is gatekeeping block on sight, but also if they're not posting the type of aro content that you need or want to see, you're allowed to organize things so you don't see their posts. Sometimes unfollowing is enough, but blocking also doesn't necessarily mean the other person has done anything wrong, it's just a tool to make sure you're not seeing a blog you don't want to see.

For the shaming allos question, I do think it's a complex topic. For me it depends on context. I definitely do not believe in any kind of ace/aro superiority, being ace and/or aro, or being allo are both neutral. Nobody's smarter or more moral or more pure or anything like that. But sometimes people say things as a vent in the moment and are reacting to a difficult situation they've been in. So for example someone may say 'allos suck' but it comes from a place where they've been very badly treated by allos for being ace or aro but they're referring more to the societal systems that are in place that privilege allo people and make life more difficult for ace/aro people, they don't actually believe being allo makes someone a bad person. (It can be hard to tell what's going on just from a post, again it's OK to unfollow and block, especially if it's just not what you personally need to see in the moment).

Personally I don't come across a lot of this type of stuff, but this is what I mean about things being fragmented, the blogs I follow just aren't posting about the infighting or gatekeeping and I don't happen to see it in the tags when I go in there. But I do hear about it second hand, and it seems like it's a problem on other social media sites I'm not on as well.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time, Anon. But I am glad you've found people you can be comfortable with and be yourself around. That's really important too. And thanks for the reminder that I really should drink more water today.

Hopefully at least some of this is helpful, but if you have more questions or want to discuss anything in more detail, feel free to send in another ask.

All the best!

[aspd-culture]

aspd and adhd(/possible autism) culture is realizing only once you're out of high school "ohhhhhhh wait, so i thought i wasn't abused growing up, but actually i was and it only stopped due to covid, and that resulted in my osdd system and aspd?"

buckle up, this is Long and definitely classifies as a Vent. honestly, you can ignore the middle section and jump to the next blank line of space if you want.

jesus christ. i was punished more harshly than my peers, i struggled to make friends, i was put into a little school program where board games were used to reinforce good behavior in problem kids which i only realized two months ago, my memory issues (which were always there, but only noticed in fifth grade) got me into so much shit with every authority figure ever, i broke a window using one of those mechanical hamster things that were popular at the time by accident but i didn't care at all, that's just scratching the surface

memories of things have been coming back to me lately. according to my mom i was such a nice little kid, always shared and was polite and highly empathetic, all the goods.

school came along, flipped everything on its head. i remember harassing and hurting animals, and people, and sometimes telling those people not to tell—not because i felt bad but because i didn't want to get into trouble again, it was an inconvenience. my home life was pretty good but other kids left me out of things a lot and sometimes called me names, even the neighbors' kids i liked to hang out with would make me the monster of their games and that does something to a kid (one of them is also the reason i'm a victim of cocsa). when i did something wrong or bad there was only punishment because i "should know not to do that" and so i had to teach myself how to be a functioning and good member of society. i got good at lying towards the end of third grade, the skill got better from there with every punishment i faced

when a former friend told me "hey, you have aspd traits/might have aspd" i went and found the checklist, because thorough research is how i work, went through it. at the time i didn't think it fit very well because "yes, i experience that but that's pretty normal for people, i learned how to manage it under several layers of creating a socially acceptable person just like everyone else"

i've gone back to it a couple times since and wow, surprise surprise, everything applies! the "this doesn't apply to me because i have a system to help with this thing" mindset means the thing still applies! there's some stuff, namely the destruction and truancy, that i didn't do but that's solely because i knew i couldn't get away with it and therefore didn't bother trying. so thanks to aaaaaaall that stuff and more, i definitely grew up with both conduct disorder and odd, and now it's aspd

i can't say i'm mad about having aspd? it causes problems in my life, yes, but i've spent so long wrangling myself into a form small enough to fit into society's box that it's not the worst thing anymore. i think i'm more mad at society, my peers, for not helping me with this and being kind where they should've, especially my mom as of recently

that said: it is fucking hard-wired into me that there's only good people and bad people in the world. harmful behavior towards me (or someone else doing something i can't forgive) is automatically met with hammurabi's eye for an eye. the coping mechanisms i use work very well, are generally healthy, and people who don't do anything to calm themselves down and think rationally tend to piss me off. i have been fighting those things for a while but they're the ones that simply won't go away. hamburger help me.

aspd-culture-is

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

Plain text below the cut:

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

[fluffyr0cky]

Hello Everyone!! My name is Star/Naus. I had come across this situation and decided to help. With my other account i added Strawberryk1tt3n and asked him on what's going on. He said that "I said something and now everyones mad." something along those lines. He followed me and i was able to talk to him. I acted like i was on his side. That he was smart. These were the things I got out of him.

Unfortunately I am on a pc and cannot provide screenshots at the moment. But later tonight when I have my phone back I will provide them.

Everything under this line everything I say I do not actually mean. I only said it to create a persona he would trust and tell things to. I have been threw many things such as grooming and stalking. Everything under this line that I’ve told him is only a persona that he’d trust.

- - - - - -

I had told him that he should probably stop and that both parties should stop before this becomes bad and he gets doxxed or for all i know he doxxes someone else.

He said “Eh im keep responding its funny to see people get worked up over little things!”Eh im keep responding its funny to see people get worked up over little things!”

I told him he should stop because he’s getting death threats and that I'm worried about him getting doxxed or something bad happening. He said “Eh i'll be fine! Won't be the first time i did this”

I asked him how many people he’s done this to. To his reply he said “Honestly too many to count lmao” Then he said “I think rocky's my favorite tho~"

I then told him my age to try and build trust in him for him to tell me his age. I won’t say my age in this hmmm lets say document? But I told him. I asked him for his and he replied with “23”. He is an adult, and clearly over the age of 18, as fluffy is a minor and under the age of 18.

I then told him how does he pick these people to have fun with? (The victims of his actions.) He then replied with “Eh well i kinda look at their vents if they post them” and then proceeded with “And depending on them i can determine if the person would be vulnerable”

I then asked him why he picks on vulnerable people. He never really gave me an answer besides “Like i think i've been emotionally manipulating rocky for about 2 weeks now? It was really easy”

I then asked him if he had any idea who he was gonna do next. To his reply he said “If only rocky didn’t talk to alot people about then i could have had more fun with her.” Then “Eh no.”

I then asked him if he had any tips on how to do this. I acted like i wanted to know his ways, become his friend and do this stuff with him. When in reality i only wanted to know his ways to share how much of a creep he is.

“Oh we its super easy you just have to butter them up with flirting till their basically inlove with you!

I think i'll keep flirting with rocky until i can do this againlmao”

I then asked if he had any more “tips “ on how to do this. He proceeded on telling me this. “Oh if the person your going after Simpson for a character try to act like that Character“I then asked him if he has any other accounts to see any of his “other works” and he told me “Nope this is my only account.”

—-----------

After that his account successfully got banned.

So yeah. He’s a 25 year old man that finds it funny to prey on young vulnerable children. My @ is @ihatetheinternet-pomni and my main (the one i used for messages) is @ibbitynibbity I wish you all an amazing night/day and stay safe out there! There’s many creeps EVERYWHERE. But besides from that just live your lives to the fullest! Goodbye and take care! -Star/Nnaus

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I've been feeling inclined to vent about the general concept of "substance use" and "dependency" recently for no particular reason, and it's probably just my own brain finally processing some of the things that happened to me in The Bad Times but what the hell lets go with it.

I was pretty much straight edge until my mid 20s, no alcohol, cigarettes, weed, nothing. Then I got into a series of abusive relationships, nearly died of Mystery Diseases, and a pandemic happened right after. My life went from barely getting by in the world to bouncing between constant crises overnight. I was in therapy and had been for years, I had self care tools and was using them. I was medicated for all of my diagnosed mental health needs (ADHD wasn't on the record yet, so was still unmanaged, but I was doing my best behaviorally to keep on top of shit, obviously that stopped working fast). I worked full time plus going to school part time plus working part time at my internship for a grand total of about 90 hrs per week of work/school related obligations. I lived with several other people who I worked to support financially and who I needed to also support emotionally, and I still managed to run my household for the most part with minimal support except from wifey who was also working about 60-70 hour weeks at her own job to help us make ends meet and was only barely medicated and managed herself. I genuinely don't know when I slept or rested.

The first thing I tried was weed. I used edibles to sleep without nightmares or the anxieties that would keep me up for the rare few hours I had to rest. It also helped with the constant pain I was in. I would get high as fuck on a weed brownie or a pre roll on the one day off I had each month so I didn't have to think or feel or exist because it was the only way I could find to genuinely relax anymore without worrying about the growing mountain of Life Responsibilities that I could never catch up on. Life eased a bit, and I kept doing that.

One day, I had a rare night off, and wifey was going to go out to a club with some friends. I hadn't been anywhere fun in years. I hadn't had time or money or energy. I was desperate to see people and relax and maybe sance a little. A pandemic was on, and the local clubs were having discounts like mad. We went and got shitfaced on cocktails that cost less than lunch at a diner for a round and I made out with a cute girl and I came home laughing for the first time in years. From then on, we would keep a cheap six pack of something in the fridge and every once in a while I would down 2-3 and get fucked up for a bit between that and the weed. Life felt a bit easier and I kept going.

But behind the scenes the cracks kept forming. It wasn't the substances that were causing them. And they weren't even what was making it worse. But they were letting me pretend those cracks weren't there. Letting me run from a reality I knew I couldn't fix. By the time I realized how bad things had gotten, how deep into the pit I was, I was living in a tent in the woods, cooking my dinners on a campfire with my family, throwing back weed and cheap booze like my life depended on it because god what the fuck else do you have when a creek and a rainstorm are the closest you get to a shower and your bed is a pile of blankets in a military surplus tent with all the warm bodies piled together so you don't fucking freeze at night?

I was still working full time though, and for those hours, I had to be sober. No if ands or buts about it. And I was okay with that line, even if it left me riddled with anxiety and trauma and stress 16 hours a day while I worked my doubles in the ER and came home to try and scrub the COVID off in the creek before I went back to the tent. And then a coworker asked me if I wanted to join her on a cigarette break. I did. I desperately wanted to feel normal. To chitchat and talk about nothing important, and feel the breeze on my face. So I bummed a cigarette and smoked with her. That one cigarette became 3 a day. Then 6. Then, a whole pack. A nervous habit of sucking on a cigarette or a vape whenever I needed to fidget or relax while still being sober. It's been 3 years now and I've tried to quit half a dozen times but here I am in my fucking home office pulling on a cigarette like it's my last hope of comfort.

I don't drink anymore though. My body won't let me. Blah blah allergic reactions blah blah. Fine. I kept trying for a while, allergies be damned. But it stopped being worth it. Sometimes the cigarettes aren't worth it either. I choke on every inhale and my body dry heaves like it knows I'm putting in something it doesn't want. On those days I don't smoke. I don't think there have been many days I've gone without weed. I honestly don't know what to do with myself on the days I abstain. Like I do? I can cope. I just. I'm still so tired.

The part of me that broke all those years ago and said fuck it, lets see what drugs do, is still recovering. It's still resting and healing. Some days are better than others. Some days it does fine and it says "lets fuckin rawdog the day my mans" and I do, and it's great. Other times it's so small and frail that I know if I tried I might break it again, and I just can't risk that.

I've been told before that this is dependency. Maybe even misuse. I've been told by others that this is the point. If it's helping, then let it. I don't know what the answer is. Some days I resent not being the person I was before I started using weed and cigarettes to get through the day. I've tried other things too, and they've never done much for me, so I never went back. Does that mean that I'm not "dependent" I'm "self-medicating"? Is that a good or a bad thing? Does it fucking matter? I honestly don't know. I wish it didn't feel like it mattered. I wish that I could go through my days and feel like I had more of a choice. I actually miss being able to get high lol. Like weed hasn't given me an actual high in years, it just. Helps me get through things a little better. But how much am I really willing to keep living that way? How much of my life do I *want* impacted by whether or not I can smoke or have some thc? Some days it's fine. Some days I'm bothered by it.

The thing that gets me every time though is how at every single point when I made the choice to pick up a new "substance" it was because I was desperate, overwhelmed, and completely without alternatives. I knew full goddamn well every time what I was doing. I had years of both anti-drug war knowledge and addiction/recovery knowledge in my brain and I understood that I was at my most vulnerable, I was my most at risk. That making this choice could be fine or could be life changing or could be somewhere in between and it was worth being self aware as I did it. But I just. I was so tired. I was so broken down. I just needed to rest. I needed to feel something other than the stress and fear for a while. And no one was offering me anything else that made a dent. Trust me. I tried.

I don't say this to suggest to people that Drugs Are The Answer. I genuinely don't think they are. I still wish every day I had never picked up that first cigarette. I still wish that I felt well enough to live my life without needing help to rest and recover. But I can't blame anyone who makes the choices I did. I can't doubt the feelings of need and desperation that often drive us to interact with our support tools the way we do. I've also found over the years, that it's not just "substances" that people will turn to for help with avoidance the way I did. Avoidance is so very very human, and the way I skirted around acknowledging how beyond my capacity for repair my life was getting (even while actively working to resolve those things) had more to do with mh inability to acknowledge that I was failing people I loved than what tool I was using to avoid the acknowledgement. It could just as easily have been my work, or video games, or shopping, or gardening, or anything else in the world that allowed me to isolate myself in a world that felt smaller and simpler for a while so I could take a break from problem solving the way the rest of my world was steadily crumbling around me. I chose weed, alcohol and nicotine. Other people will make other choices. But maybe we all sometimes run away from problems we realize we can't solve until one day we're backed into a corner we can't run from. Maybe that's just human. Maybe the drugs just made me feel less like shit while I ran. And maybe that's part of how I survived to make things right for myself.

I really don't know. I can't know.

What I do know is that I left the relationship that was destroying my life. I'm safe now, and wifey and I are doing much better now that our communication isn't being actively sabotaged. I'm doing much better now healthwise that the food in my home is consistently safe to eat for me and I'm not being left without any food at all on a semi-regular basis. I *am* still the primary breadwinner of the household, but it no longer feels as though I have to run the household itself on top of that, and I *am* consistently supported (encouraged even) to rest when needed, even if that is still hard for me to do. I've stopped drinking, and that does feel better. I spend less time and energy seeking substances and I *do* smoke fewer cigarettes less often even if I do still smoke sometimes. I feel happier and more stable than I think I ever have. My life is. Mostly working? And pretty good now. The cracks have been able to heal in ways that are, if not structurally sound, at least working up to it. I am fragile, but making progress. Does that mean I made the right choices? The wrong ones? Will I ever know?

I dunno comrade. But. We all do what we can, what we must, and what we can figure out. Maybe judgement and shame about all that just doesn't help.

[void-occupation]

I'M NOT DEAD!!!!!!

I have finally returned and have decided to post my most recent fixation for everyone to see. (I've been through this song and dance before but now everyone gets to see it). Also, it's not angst related?????? Who am I and what have I done with the real Void-

Optimus Prime has to repeatedly be told that he cannot in fact adopt every animal that happens to cross his path, and he has brought back everything from boxes of cats, to a stray dog, to a whole ass mountain lion on one particularly memorable occasion. HOWEVER, there is one animal he absolutely refuses to take home, and even attempts to avoid contact with at all costs. This giant alien robot who has fought in a continuous war for thousands of years will place more trust in Unicron himself (who he has literally almost died fighting) then he will in a goat. Specifically the screaming variety. The humans and most of team Prime had never seen Optimus get truly freaked out by anything - that is until he stepped into the base one day and promptly froze on the spot.

A recent sandstorm had destroyed someone's fence and a few of their goats got out. Bumblebee - taking after his sire obviously - saw the animal wandering around the desert and decided to take it back to base until the kids could find out where it lived. Optimus, who was just returning from his patrol, did not expect to return and find that the literal spawn of satan had invaded his home, and therefore was not ready to confront this secret phobia of his (especially not in front of his friends and family). So,,,, he walks in and just,,, stops. Doesn't even blink. Ratchet hasn't seen his optics this wide since he was Orion Pax. The worst part? This fucking goat is just staring him down. No mercy. Optimus can practically feel the pure malice this thing radiates as he tries to remember how to vent.

No one understands what kind of staring contest Optimus and this goat are having, but you could practically cut the tension between them with a knife. Suddenly, this goat just fucking s c r e a m s and Optimus promptly loses his damn mind. He lets out the highest pitch screech he has made in his centuries-long-life, and trips over himself in his haste to get away from this nightmare spawn standing before him.

Long story short, even after watching it happen, no one knows how Optimus scrambled up into the rafters, but he is now refusing to come down until the goat is gone, and is keeping an arm-cannon aimed at it at all times. Yes, he hears at least half of the bases occupants laughing their asses off at him, and yes, he hears Miko practically crying through her laughter, but Primus damn it he is not coming down until that thing is gone, Bumblebee so help me-

Eventually, the goat is removed from the base, and Optimus finally makes his way back to solid ground. His faceplace is practically glowing blue with his embarrassment, and he won't make eye contact with anyone for at least the next two hours, but now that the goat is gone, he's fine. He has to live with the jokes about it from everyone there for the rest of his life, but no matter how much they pester him about it, he refuses to divulge the story about the origin of his incurable fear of goats. He plans to take that story with him to the all spark (He eventually tells Ratchet and Bumblebee, the former of which promises never to tell another soul, the latter attempts to do the same, but accidentally tells Raf, who accidentally tells Miko, who purposefully ensures that everyone else knows by the end of the week. (Optimus isn't too mad, the story is actually quite funny as long as he is not within 3 miles of a goat at any point in the telling of the story.))

[author-main]

It does make me feel a little sad and alone at times, being in this fandom. I often worry that I'm one of few brown or black people in the community. And that most people, even my friends/mutuals, won't or don't understand the ways I feel towards LU and tLoZ as a whole.

In some ways I understand and don't want to make a big fuss about it. I don't think I have the heart to get so mad. I don't have the heart to say this to anyone's face in particular. But I really do just want to speak my piece. So please forgive me. I don't go into a big ol' critique or breakdown, I'm not good at talking. This is word salad. This is feelings.

I think the fact that, canonically, Link and Zelda are European-coded and Ganondorf is dark-skinned (most definitely Arab-coded) deters many black and brown people from franchise as a whole. Of course, there are still plenty of us here who can love all of these characters despite this. We love Link and Zelda, we love Ganondorf, we love the Gerudo. But we do wish for changes. Even though I'm here, I don't feel seen. And in the crowd of the fandom, I can't see anyone else either.

The LU cast is all white. That doesn't necessarily bother me on the surface. I'm very used to a casting like that. I did get bored of it very early on when I started ALUW. I wonder if you could understand why I would be bored. I love how diverse this fandom is when it comes to the LGBT+ community, disabilities, mental health etc. In those ways, I do feel seen. But I wish we were more diverse with race, too.

Key word: Wish. Because I know it would nor could never happen. I feel no ire towards anyone for that not even Jojo. If there was anyone I'd be angry at, it would be Nintendo. This started from them, not us. I can't and don't expect anyone to be able to truly change anything unless they were actually part of the Zelda team. Other than that all I really feel towards it is neutrality and a strong, maybe unjust yearning for more.

I don't know. I've been writing the Shadlink slow burn fic. The way I've been planning to write Shad has just... brought something out in me that I don't think most non-black-and-brown people would understand. Maybe they would. I also worry that, because I'm a hermit, maybe I don't fully understand the struggles people who look like me go through.

Maybe I'm not even right in my feelings. I don't know, it feels like this is the first time I've ever vented like this. I wish in the next Zelda game we can customize Link more.

[squiddokiddo]

Vent snippet fic because I've been struggling a bit lately.

Some sibling angst/hurt comfort between Gordon and Squirt. I mainly just post the fluffy parts of their relationship but like all siblings it's not perfect. Gordon has a crush and has been spending less and less time with his little buddy. Squirt's bottled up fears reach a breaking point and hard core angst ensues. No one in this situation is supposed to be right or wrong, it's all just raw feelings and a lack of communication between friends/siblings.

(Tw for mental illness and past trauma, it's not mentioned directly but it's heavily implied.)

𖦹*⊹.𖦹*⊹.𖦹*⊹.𖦹*⊹.𖦹

"It's not fair!!" They snapped. "You don't have time to hang out but you have plenty of time to go to events with her??"

Gordon couldn't speak, he had never seen this kind of explosive reaction from Squirt, it wasn't like them. He swallowed, stepping over and placing a hand on their shoulder as if to steady them.

"Bub, it's not like that and you know it's not..."

He thought he saw tears start to brim in those eyes but Squirt wiped them away quickly. Not daring to look at him through fear of breaking, he promised he'd be there, he'd promised that they'd never have to be alone again and yet they were certain that it wouldn't be long before he would leave. Just like everyone else.

Squirt's head was spinning, thoughts spiralling. It was happening, they knew it was happening. Their best friend was going to abandon them, he'd found a new path in life and didn't need them anymore. Everything felt heavy like being dragged into the depths of the ocean, they were drowning, they felt sick, struggling to catch their breath. Fat heavy tears were spilling over now in an uncontrollable stream.

He was abandoning them.

Gordon reached for their other shoulder and turned to face them directly, prompting them gently. "Squirt, what is this about?"

The dam crumbled and out came the flood.

"You love her!! You're going to abandon me because you love her!!" They blurted out through sobs. "Now that she's actually paying attention to you, you don't want to spend time with me anymore!! Why is she so important?? Why does she always have to come first?? I want my brother back, isn't that just as important as some dumb red carpet date??"

Gordon was floored, all he could do was stand there watching his sibling collapse in his arms sobbing. His mind was racing, there was so much he wanted to say, their overreaction was huge but he couldn't be mad at them.

Gordon wrapped his little sib in a tight hug, hopefully reassuring them in a way that words couldn't right now.

Something was wrong and he was going to get to the bottom of it.

𖦹*⊹.𖦹*⊹.𖦹*⊹.𖦹*⊹.𖦹

Edit: Turns out I'm now suddenly super embarrassed after having posted this. I may private or delete it later, idk I'm really on the fence about how I feel about this. (;^^)

[finniewinnie143]

TW: VENT/RANT

sh, su!c!d3, m3nt@l hosp, attachment issues??, me being petty

ok so i went to the mental hospital got out like a little less than a month ago... i called my crush (his code name is cookie/brownie) while i was there (he is also my friend and i rllly trust him he is like an actually sweet teen anyways) and he didnt answer but uhm anyways i was at school for one day, my first day back and he left the next day for like a week and 1/2 or sum to vacation and so uhm when he got back, it was rlly awkward like we werent talking like at all and so uhm its rlly been getting to me so i like uhm kinda wrote him a note today and gave it to him it said 'are you mad at me?' omfg im so petty......................... and at the end of class he handed me the note and said 'next time you can talk to me with your mouth' not in a mean way or anything but yeah uhm then i kinda started sobbing for like an hour heh... uhm so i went and talked to my fav staff at the school (shes similar to a school counseler shes chill) and i talked to her abt how i thought he was mad at me and didnt wanna be friend anymore and shit like that also i think he likes my friend.......... anyways (he knows i like him he dont like me)

uhm yeah so i let her call him down and we uh talked.. i was sobbing i looked so fucking ugly omgggg anyways uhm he wasnt mad at me or anything and i said i just felt like whenever i talk to him i feel like im bothering him and he said i wasnt bothering him and that i can talk to him uhm and like he noticed we were talking less and stuff but yea. and i asked if he was like weirded out and stuff bc i had to go to the hospital or like smth like that like he knows abt my mental health, suicide attempts and cutting and shit but like you never know...

bro i kept saying im sorry to him while sobbing

anyways he was getting up to leave and he said i hope you feel better and my fucking dumbass said "wait me??" and then (weel call her butterfly) butterfly was like 'well he wasnt saying it to me.' lmaooo so i just gotta trust that he isnt mad or anything its just so hard like anxiety is a fucking bitchhhh espc social anxiety omfg and my attachment issues dont get me started-

if you took the time to read this, thank you <3 i just need a place to let it all out bc nowhere else is safe anymore.

feel free to comment and talk to me <3

but like honestly i love him. he's like the only person i've ever loved romantically.

[love-beyond-space-war]

If your requests are still open could it be damon vaird x read where there's jealousy involved it could be either damn or reader being jealous which eventually ends up with one of them confessing (blurting out) their feelings

I'm always one for jealous characters, especially Baird! Hope you like this short story of Baird being jealous about Cole :) Takes place in no specific Gear game. Sorry that I missed the blurting out feelings part, it didn't fit Baird in the fic :(

On My Nerves

Jealous! Damon Baird x Reader

Synopsis: Baird is tired of hearing you talk about Cole for about the thousandth time. Sometimes he wishes you'd show him that same adoration.

Content Warnings: Romantic Pairing, Gender-Neutral Reader/Male Character, Jealousy, Implications of Reader/Cole in a more platonic sense, Kissing.

"Man, I used to watch Cole Train play all the time. I'm surprised I even got to meet him, in the military no less!"

Baird grit his teeth but said nothing. He never really wanted to admit it but hearing you talk about Cole in such a way made his blood boil. Sure, Cole is cool and all, almost everyone knows him for his Thrashball career.

Baird just wishes you'd praise him in the same way since you're so close.

Baird gets it, Cole is a friendly and lovable person that draws others in. While Baird is the opposite and drives people away. It's expected that you'd take to Cole more than him.

Maybe he's just being insecure.

"Yeah, cool... I've been friends with him for years." Baird answers in a dismissive tone. You then continue on to talk about how big of a fan you are and how you've been hanging around him more often. Baird feels a weight in his gut as he listens in.

Did you like Cole more than a fan and friend? The thought that you may like Cole in a more romantic sense makes Baird ill. Yet... the signs are there.

"So what? Are you asking me to set you up on a little date? Is that it?" Baird finds himself snapping. The sudden bark in his voice shuts down your rant. He only feels more frustrated when your face flushes.

"I-... No, Baird. Me and Cole are just friends. I don't think I like him like that." You defend yourself. Baird turns to you with an unimpressed gaze.

"Really now? If you don't like him in such a way why do you speak about him with such adoration." Baird frowns. "You speak of him like he's so cool and hot or something. Always talking about him like he's the only thing that occupies your mind!"

You stare at your friend confused by his sudden outburst. He looks so angry. Did you... say something to upset him? Did Cole upset him somehow?

"Did something happen between you two?" You ask and Baird just about loses it with a sigh.

"No, not between him. I just can't stand to listen to you talk about him like some messiah anymore! He's not that great... he gets all of the attention by just being him." Baird vents, trying to calm his nerves. It's then you notice the last thing he said and feel your heart beat.

Truth is, you never had a crush on Cole. Cole and you were just friends and you happened to be a fan of him. You thought sharing your respect for Cole would connect you with Baird, the one you actually have feelings for.

Turns out you only made him jealous...

Which isn't that bad since it confirms your thoughts."

"Baird." You get his attention, the blonde's gaze glaring into you. "I see what's wrong now."

"Do you now?" Baird sighs, rolling his eyes.

"You're jealous I'm not praising you." You grin playfully.

There's silence between you as Baird feels his heart quicken.

"What makes you say that...?" Baird asks, scoffing.

"You're mad because I'm bringing up Cole. That's why you suggested the date, right?" You continue, walking closer to him. "If anything there's only one person I'd want to date and it isn't Cole."

"Is there someone else on your mind now?" Baird sighs.

"Yes." You say curtly, standing right in front of him. "You!"

There's another long pause of silence with Baird staring at you. It's then you take the time to slide a hand under his chin and pull him down to kiss you. Quickly Baird gives in, not fighting the sudden affection.

"So you finally caught on?" Baird murmurs when you pull away. Before you can fully pull apart from him he keeps his hands on your waist, pulling closer.

"Truth is, I liked you for awhile. I just couldn't figure out how to say it." You confess, laying your head on his chest.

"Is it because I'm difficult to talk to?" Baird asks.

"Partially." You snicker.

"Guess I can't blame you for that...." Baird sighs.

"As much as I like Cole..." you hum. "You are really intelligent and skilled when it comes to tech and explosives. You've helped the team more than once. Truthfully... Delta wouldn't be what it is without you."

"Hey! Where was that praise before, huh?" Baird frowns and you giggle.

"I was too shy to say."

"Bull." Baird grumbles before you kiss him again.

"Well... now that the cat's out of the bag..." You coo when you pull away, nuzzling into his neck. "Should we make things official?"

"I want to wait a bit..." Baird whispers, squeezing you closer as he leans towards your ear. "I want to just feel you in my arms right now... just to know you're mine."

"Of course, Baird." You laugh again softly. "I'll always be yours...."

With that you sit with Baird in silence, an emotional weight being lifted off both of you

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for cutting someone off?

i'm gonna start by saying this happened a couple years ago, and ages will reflect our ages at the time. i know very well it was Teen Shit, but i still think about it and wonder if i could have done anything better, so i figured this would be a good place to see if i'm overthinking it.

i (16/17NB) made a friend (17/18NB) in my junior year of hs through another friend in our group- this person soon joined our main group of friends and was the group's only senior. towards the beginning of the year, i was starting to pick up that this friend was into me. i was... a little weirded out, since we weren't close and they were laying it on kinda heavy (i'm very oblivious so for me to notice is saying a lot), but they were like. harmless, so i just kinda ignored it. we went to homecoming specifically as friends and all that (they were hard to say no to) since they had never gone, and they weren't being creepy. eventually they confessed they liked me. in front of all our friends. i panicked and couldn't reject them in front of everyone like that so i lied and said i needed to think about it before politely telling them no a day or so later. they took it a lot better than i thought they would and i breathed a bit of a sigh of relief. however, they... kept talking about liking me in front of me and our friends? including like... sexual fantasies?? i'm ace and was Very Weirded Out by this and after a few days i think they took the hint and stopped. our friends would tease a bit, but they eventually apologized to me for it so i've got nothing against them.

i sorta brushed that one off (they were autistic + schizophrenic so they may have just not realized it was inappropriate) but throughout the rest of the year there were a lot of other little things that piled up and made most of our group uncomfortable. they were really clingy with me and most days i couldn't eat lunch without them laying on me like a cat (i was around 100lbs + they were double my weight so it kinda hurt sometimes- not to mention inconvenience). they would constantly vent about their mental issues and what all they've been through (a lot, tbf) without even asking- like, this happened almost daily- and while my whole group has dealt w plenty of mental illness n such it was starting to really weigh on us. they once told me they form unhealthy codependent attachments to people and warned me that i had become one of those people- i told them that while i wasn't mad i wouldn't be able to be there all the time and had already had bad experiences with this sort of thing (true)- thankfully they seemed respectful of that. they made a Lot of enemies and it was exhausting talking about some random friend only to have them bring up how that person was so awful to them. it got to the point where by the end of the year i was sneaking in the halls to avoid walking with them- i was just overwhelmed. we all went to graduation to support them, but i decided that once that was over that would be it, i was done. i took the opportunity of them going to college to distance myself and haven't talked to them since that summer. the same goes for everyone else in our friend group, save for my twin brother.

my brother got very close to them to the point of having a crush on them (i know, he's mostly over it now i think) and was upset when i told him i don't want to hang out with them anymore. i think they bonded over being autistic? idk- point is, he was mad at me for a bit.

normally i would just say i did what i could and move on, but part of me keeps wondering if i fucked up somehow. i knew that they had some real trauma, plus the previously mentioned schizophrenia and autism, not to mention recovering from an ED (lots going on) and those were definitely a factor in how they behaved. i know people are still responsible for their actions, but as someone with mental illness that causes poor behavior (i have GAD and a people-pleasing/ghosting issue myself) i would never want to blame someone for struggling. my friends and i will look back and laugh, but i can't help but feel a bit bad. so, tumblr, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[zoobus]

The Bad Ending of an Otome

From time to time I've expressed a desire to explain otome isekai's appeal to me through a pastiche of my favorite writing pieces from tumblr, the Scorpion and the Frog. I still have not followed through, despite the fact that it should be literally the easiest thing in the world - the Villainess and Her World. Frustrating.

Anywho, today's scorpion/frog meta regards the jealous hater replacement heiress of a beautiful but terminally ill child in a dating sim.

The original game followed a girl who happened to look just like the now terminally dead Ophelia, who was previously alive and loved by all. The identical not-twin fills the Ophelia-shaped hole left in everyone's heart. The jealous hater replacement heiress (the villainess/frog, naturally) is quickly replaced and eventually killed for jealous hater maneuvers. Our main character (MC) of course reincarnates as the frog.

The first twist is a genre staple, could almost be considered the blueprint every story builds off of; rather than a specific, vindictive bitch... What if I was kind? What if I chose not to do anything that would make them want to kill me? What if I simply befriended the terminally ill Ophelia?

But like any good OI, the subversion takes it somewhere specific, someplace more personal. What if I befriended the terminally ill Ophelia...and still coveted everything she had? What if you're forced to realize it's actually pretty hard to not be a jealous hater when you're sitting side by side with someone effortlessly wealthier, prettier, more beloved than anything you'll ever experience? Especially when the beautiful dying Ophelia was honestly kind of a hateful bitch? And what if, despite all of this, you truly loved her? And that love didn't extinguish your overwhelming envy for what you could never have? This is an OI framing of what it's like to lose your best friend, the person no one else knew or loved like you did, to a slow, unstoppable terminal illness. It's a look at real friendship while harboring immense amounts of envy and hatred.

There's this tension with whether the MC really liked Ophelia, if she's saying "friend" or "love" out of habit rather than sincerity, whether Ophelia was just a bully using her wealth and power to manipulate someone she essentially owns, if her comment about dying with her are more about avoiding the the future or maybe placating a sick person, and nice little nuanced character things meant to keep you on your toes about the nature of their relationship. Area woman uncertain if she's being bullied or if this is girl bonding kind of stuff.

At times it would be logical to pity Ophelia, to despise her at others, even to take a certain amount of schadenfreude in this popular hot rich girl's pain. I liked the various ways the narrative muddied MC's perspective of Ophelia. She's an unpleasant, mean person that MC has to stick with whether she wants to or not.

I loved Ophelia. A lot.

Now of course they don't let this girl look terminally ill - this is a princess comic after all - but lmaooo do they let her act it. Ophelia is *Bitter* that she has to die. *Terrified* of the inevitable. *Seething* over the expectation that she suffer through future agonizing symptoms just so her family can see her longer. *Furious* at these lovesick horny men courting her like they don't know her days are numbered. "Oh I worship you Ophelia, nobody's made me feel this way before, no woman will ever measure up to you" she knows they only like her cause she's hot. Ophelia is so hostile, so spite-filled, so fucking mad that not only does she have to die young, these people who claim to love her are - in both overt and subtle ways - pressuring her to take her imminent death gracefully, quietly, and above all else, beautifully. Foisting dignity on this teenager who's going into her casket kicking and screaming. If Ophelia had a tumblr she'd spend her time browsing vent tags and sending suicide bait.

Her character is so good, I was unfairly irritated by her in-game replacement who hadn't done anything yet. You really get where Ophelia's at times excessive hatred for the male love interests was coming from because like...wow. You're going full yandere eternal prisoner bad end for her...? This innocent good girl lamb who wants the best for everyone? No matter how similar they look, the fact that she offers a kind word and a helping hand would break any TRUE Ophelia stan's immersion instantly. She would never.

Anyway. Stories centered on the friendship between girls that aren't overly saccharine or stilted displays positivity are sadly uncommon, but they're my favorite. Like not to be aro on main but I think what others get out of tales of romance is how I respond to tales of deep friendship between women. Asobi Asobase, Binbougami Ga, Nichijou, Surviving Romance, they all fulfill some base desire that no one else seems to cherish as strongly😢

When we finally get confirmation, I have to admit. I stared at this page for like three minutes, eyes wet.

Spoilers! She did love her. She loved her more than anyone.

[queen-of-obsessing]

i'm extremely uncomfortable with the way judas is being portrayed this season. (lil vent post)

obviously spoilers for all of season 4. and also i haven't seen the season in its entirety yet, this is just based on what my friend has told me and the leaked scenes i've seen. also also this is only talking about show!Judas, as he's being portrayed by the writers, not the bible version, becauseee we know nothing about that one.

i just watched one of the leaked clips from season 4 (because the stupid chosen team hasn't put it on streaming yet), and i'm acc crying rn. like irl. real tears. i'm so choked up, i feel physically ill, and not for any good reasons. this isn't gonna be one of those "oh wow i'm literally sobbing this show is so good 😍" type posts.

i feel sick.

seeing judas just claw and scramble for any sort of positive attention from the disciples around him is sickening. every single time he brings up an idea for how he can positively help the ministry and use his skills (the only way he knows how to coming from a business background), the others just shoot him down. you can see how hard he's trying to win their validation and find some sort of footing within the group and nothing is working.

and zee just compares him to dirty laundry? like to be able to be part of the twelve he has to ditch every single aspect of his life?? THE LIFE THAT PROBABLY SAVED HIM FROM BEING A DESTITUTE ORPHAN. I wouldn't be surprised if Hadad was the one that took him in after his parents died and taught him business skills. It's how he sees the world!!! it's how he was taught to see the world!!

yet no one ever takes any time to see his perspective or give him any chance to meaningfully contribute. he's just this permanent outsider, trying to get in but never ever being fully in. everyone just keeps speaking in cryptic riddles, talking about prophecies and nothing Jesus says makes any sense either, and now even Jesus is rebuking him. judas is probably completely lost and confused by the time we get to episode 8 of season 4.

and it's really uncomfortable to watch.

as someone who grew up in the church, and also saw the world in a very different way from everyone else, I've also experienced what judas is experiencing. desperately clawing for some sort of place in the church AND NOTHING WORKING. I haven't been to church in nearly a year because everytime i tried, i just didn't fit. they didn't want me, i always felt perpetually on the outside of the circle.

on top of that, i'm 99% sure i'm autistic, so like judas, i see the world very logically. i like to have things told in a very straightforward way, and think in very material concepts (for him it's money). But the "Christianese" never made any sense to me. I never understood it. So I spent my days in the church perpetually alone, never fitting in and never fully understanding who I was even supposed to be believing in because nobody took the time to explain it to me in a way I could understand, but vaguely knowing that I wanted to believe in something.

I believe Judas wanted to believe in Jesus, and did believe in Him, but never fully understood why.

...and then he dies. I'm still wondering how the show is going to handle the lead up to his betrayal, but I'm going to assume continually being rejected by the other disciples had something to do with it.

and you know what else is really sick about all this? Jesus fully knowing that Judas was going to betray Him and kill himself. and he just...lets it happen. like he's some sort of sacrificial scapegoat. it makes me so mad??

i could rant about this for hours but yea. i'll just leave this here. Dallas you have so much fking explaining to do. i dread watching this season...

[draygon-lord]

Vent post out of tags because I dont wanna mess with tags on this stream of consciousness

I have a lot of confusion and frustration about why tf did that group seemingly immediately assume me going dark on all social media was intentionally malicious towards them. Why tf did they show up to my house when I wasn't there and say AT THE TIME that it was just to deliver the first present they'd ever given me that they'd be too busy to during holiday season, only to TWO WEEKS LATER after I REACHED OUT FIRST when I felt marginally better blow up at me and say it was actually because they were worried and because "I worried them" they didn't want to make any effort to talk to me anymore but I still could make the effort to talk to them, when they've never made an effort to talk to me of their own volition in 5-6 years of friendship and I've been actively asking for years for that not to be the case. Why did they make no effort to contact me before showing up to my house aside from a tiktok for a show I've told her multiple times I've never watched, and in no way communicates worry or interest in how I'm doing. Why did their "worry" mean I am punished and actively ignored by them, and why tf did they assume it was intentionally malicious. Why did NONE of this group ever reach out at any point, and why were they all so ready to just drop me and never try to find out whats going on from me when they had my direct contact info and were just so ready to accept whatever bullshit the two that blew up at me told them?? Like how can you claim to be "good friends" and "found family" if the time i needed that support the most you decided it was intentionally malicious to hurt you. Why did only their feelings matter, and why even after I explained why I went dark did they still treat me like I was being intentionally malicious. Why were all of them just so ready to shit talk me and hate me, what did I do? Should I just have never said how I was feeling and what was hurting me and just quietly kmsed?? Just have been happy that I was allowed to exist nearby when no one ever talked to me of their own volition unless I was entertaining for them??? Should I have just been okay with one of the ones that blew up at me actively ignoring me in group situations and asking everyone else on a call by name how they were doing except me and then hanging up, or when she saw me at work and actively turned and walked away so she didn't have to talk to me??? Like how is any of that acceptable or okay??? What was i supposed to do??

Why did they immediately assume me leaving all their discords and kicking them from mine was to purposefully keep one of the ones who blew up at me from inviting the friends that were there for me to her super bowl party. Did they honestly not think their actions were out of line

Why did they feel so entitled to the friends who were there for me when they've never made an effort to talk to them and even when I was actively trying to get the two groups to connect they actively stonewalled them and only kept to themselves

Why was it that all of their immediate responses to me being extremely depressed "ignore it til it goes away" and what right do they have to be mad that that did nothing. That their "sending good vibes!!" Does fucking nothing.