#my job is to help ppl im trying to do that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nicistrying · 5 months

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It's just me and my brownie mocha against the anxiety today 🥲 I can do it

#anxiety #so bad around work atm #feel like i am doing everything wrong and everyone hates me #but also trying to remember i'm doing so many things for the first time #idk how to do them until i ask #so i have to be the annoying newbie asking questions all the time #has to be done #everyone else has done the same #im just scared my manager is pissed off w me bc im trying to actually help a customer #but theres so many hoops to jump through to get the docs she wants #even tho she was sent them in the first place idk why i have to get so much approval to resend them #but whatever #my job is to help ppl im trying to do that #personal #mental health #bank holiday on monday so only 4 day week next week #i got this

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daftpatience · 7 months

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one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it

#theres no peace #every little thing reminds me we are poor #seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time #im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly #the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job #and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support #and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money #because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live #its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin #time #cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for #sorry for the ranting i cant sleep #truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin #more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful #i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it #i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things #spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income #not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it

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puppyeared · 10 months

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people who do STEM or administration as a career full time and continue to do art as a hobby, I am scared of you but like in a hot way. youre like if we were allowed to have cold drinks in winter. i look at you and think of miles morales with his two cakes. do you want to make out sometime

#i say all of this positively bc i just! i cant help admiring it!! even if its mundane or not a big deal to you i seriously cant wrap my head #around it.. this is in no way at all meant to be condescending or anything. whenever i look at someones bio and theyre like oh im working #as a lab assistant biologist pharmacist realtor etc im like woag.... thats insane.. and then i peep your art tag and it knocks my socks of #how?? what lives do you lead??? im so curious. i seriously want a peek inside your brains someday. or at least shadow you at work lol #i cant help but feel sad when someone says smth like well i have to support myself and art cant do that for me. or maybe you were #pushed into pursuing a 'safe' career bc i hear it a lot. all of my relatives have the same story working as nurses and OFWs for the family #i think for me its not about missed potential but rather its being sad about making a decision to put your happiness aside to get by #ive tried so hard to do it but it didnt work out. i guess watching you guys do it is fascinating to me #or maybe youve made peace with your decision or actually like what you pursued but im still amazed!! it makes me wonder what made #you pick one over the other in that case.. is it like putting time for two different things the way you would for a schedule?? hmmm #im doing graphic design so i dont really interact with ppl in other faculties even humanities like sociology or childcare... so i cant help #wondering what it must be like as someone whos pursuing visual communication both as an interest and career #i seriously wish i could do smth like a desk job or even admin and maybe ill try that if this doesnt work. or i could look into trades #but dyscalculia already makes it hard to do things like cash and mental math so i get overwhelmed if i think about this too hard #yapping

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luck-of-the-drawings · 4 months

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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING

#cw blood #luckys original content #ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG #also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project #FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD #SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter #and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do #THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG #i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then #i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that #ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours #so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time #i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly #and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more #but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho #we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange #yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but #she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that #i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated #i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others #AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG #IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL #LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU #AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU

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bunnihearted · 3 months

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#no but i actually hate that i made this blog to vent freely bc i have no other place to talk abt anything or my feelings or thoughts #and im a very isolated person and a shut in and i dont have a job or go to school successfully and i dont know anyone #like blah blah. i have struggled and im drowning in them all. like why the fuck cant ppl just comprehend that we all have different views o #life and the world? like 'wallowing' is .. i have heavy anxiety which is completely untreated and it gives me real bad suicidal ideation #if me complaining on a blog that im btw not forcing anyone to read helps me to stay alive and get my pain out... why does that matter to #other ppl?????? like why does other ppl get so mad seeing someone they dont know vent??#also this goes for everyone but u can literally have no idea abt all of a person's life #esp on here where all u see is like my text posts where i vent abt how i FEEL. bc i want to. ??? i want to do that so i do #u dont know the context u dont know my experiences or what has happened in my life or context #u dont know what has transpired between me and other ppl i vent abt #like u know fuck all. u dont have the right to pass judgement onto a stranger that doesnt even know u exist #and even if i complain on here bc i dont have a real life but i want to #u have no idea what im doing with the rest of my time???? im making lists im trying to look up info abt school and programs #im trying to read abt my mental health issues and im doing mindfulness and im going to the gym #i am trying!!! and u dont have any idea what i do or how i try and u dont have any right to judge me bc all u see is one part that is me #complaining bc this is what i use this blog for. genuinely i do not get why this is even a big deal or why anyone would follow or read smth #makes them irritated???????#idk.. i dont wanna disable anons and stuff (bc funnily enough no one ever says this stuff with their url 🤨) bc i dont wanna miss out on the #stuff but it is infuriating that i have nowhere to go no friends no therapist etc etc to talk #and this is all i have bc i want to vent !!!!!!! and then i have to be like ok now other ppl i dont even know #and who dont actually give a fuck abt me are gonna judge me and tell me im living incorrectly #and ive never gotten more such things than now? why do y'all hate that i vent abt losing out on my 1st love #and feeling heartbroken?????? what the fuck? that has nothing to do with anyone else but me? like genuinely wtf #i just wanna vent bc i feel like im drowning but now i feel like i cant bc ppl just judge and like ugh

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pierogi-png · 2 months

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bills r due. gotta get my windshield replaced. gotta pay this stupid fucking ticket. my cat's inhaler is abt to run out and its $120 to refill it. my partner's job keeps cutting their hours so they're struggling to help with bills. my dumb fuck job is driving me absolutely mad. i haven't been able to afford my meds for MONTHS so i've been raw dogging life unmedicated while going thru so much personal bullshit. the stress of everything is driving me insane im about to go on a bender and ruin my fucking life 👍

#vent post #like bro i am begging for a break forreal man i can not keep doing this shit #its been like a constant game of catch up but i keep getting beat down like wtffff #and my job lately has not been helping at all its just been insufferable #tw but like i have been having horrible horrible urges to sh lately and its taking so much to not do it #im trying so hard to keep doing my best and get by but its getting so exhausting #sorry for the vent post im just so sick of it all and needed it off my chest bc i dont like to personally bother ppl #sighhh

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toastsnaffler · 2 months

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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together #i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week #all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds #also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn #ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself #but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates #gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard #but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh #and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism #like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since #n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on #its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it #and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions #+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf #so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead #its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths #just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea #but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke #so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close #ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual #happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all #and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves #like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me #and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway #doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3 #but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately #but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that #.diaries #okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo

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palms-upturned · 3 months

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Sorry for being late today coming online, a lot has happened and I am trying to think about the best way to organize this blog going forward. For now though I will try to get the list updated quickly and read through my messages/@'s

#meg talks #mainly thinking about how best to spotlight people's fundraisers because so many are gaining and losing traction periodically #and some of my posts seem to get more reach than others #mostly what troubles me is i think that the more campaigns i boost the less effective it is for each campaign #i think that the small batches of donation matching campaigns that i organized with other people was the most effective thing so far #bc it guaranteed at least one donation to each campaign #i think i'm going to try to make other small batch posts too each day #like ''here are some campaigns that are close to their goal/low on funds/almost to the halfway mark or some other milestone/etc''#but idk. i just feel troubled and i think some people who have reached out to me think i have more reach than i actually do #i have less than 3k followers and a lot of them are inactive blogs from over the past ten years #ofc that still isn't nothing and im going to keep doing what im doing but im afraid people might be reaching out to me #thinking that i'll be able to give their campaigns more visibility than i actually can #im grateful that my master list has gotten some traction but the longer it gets the tougher it is to single ppl out #i don't know. if people have suggestions please let me know #for now i would really really appreciate volunteers to help w the donation matching campaigns #if i can have ppl committing to donating like 5 bucks to a handful of campaigns once or twice a month #then at least that's something that IS guaranteed u know... though i feel ashamed that i quit my job #and can't guarantee much myself until i find a new one #idk im just troubled and i'm not going to stop boosting campaigns but i hate the thought of getting ppl's hopes up and not delivering

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cinemacrypt · 3 months

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So so so fucking angry tonight

#mars says stuff #EVERYTHING IN MY PERSONAL LIFE IS LEGIT FINE I PROMMY #IM JUST SO SICK OF THE ZIONIST MISINFORMATION AND MILQUETOAST APATHETIC DEMOCRAT BULLSHIT THAT #I FEEL COMPLICIT IN BC I WORK FOR A RADIO STATION AND I HAVE TO PUMP OUT NEWS PROMOS #AND ITS THE ONLY JOB I HAVENT BEEN FIRED FROM #AND IM SO FUCKING SICK OF THE RAMPANT TRANSPHOBIA AND ESPECIALLY TRANSMISOGYNY #EVERYWHERE I FUCKING GO AND TO HAVE OTHER TMASC PPL BE LIKE 'LMAO THATS NOT REAL AND IF IT IS ITS NOT THAT BAD THESE CRAZY BITCHES'#WHEN I SEE IT ONLINE AND IN PERSON EVERY FUCKING DAY AND IM NOT EVEN THE ONE IT EFFECTS #AND I TRY TO ENGAGE IN MY COMMUNITY. THERES A JUNETTENTH EVENT IM GOING TO TMR TO TRY AND SCOUT OUT SOME LOCAL ORGS #I CAN VOLUNTEER FOR TO TRY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER IN MY COMMUNITY #but tonight i just feel shitty and small and ineffectual and hypocritical and angry and cowardly #AND EVERYONES LIKE OH DEAL WITH THAT ANGER CONSTRUCTIVELY THATLL HELP #MOTHERFUCKER I USE IT AS FUEL TO MAKE ART. TO PLAY MUSIC. TO TRY NOT TO FLUNK OUT OF A SCHOOL THAT I HATE BC OF THE INSTITUTIONS IT UPHOLDS #and i never have enough after my bills are paid to donate to all the gofundmes both here and in palestine i want to help out #im just so fucking mad. but im also 5'3“ and awkward and chubby and I cant fight and all of my friends tease me for it and it comes from a #place of love and im not mad at them. i just wish i could kick someones ass tonight. some fucking bigot i could put all my rage behind #and just keep hitting and hitting until the fucker stopped moving. but i cant do that. both not physically and also bc i Might Lose Everythi #ng #ill delete this tomorrow #time to watch some shitty youtube videos and eat something and get high enough that i dont feel so fucking mad #just consume my way out of it lmao

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willowfey · 3 months

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not to be anti feminist or anything but i rly was made to be like a nepo baby or a stay at home girlfriend or smth bc the idea of having an actual career is so ghastly and every day i woke up to go to my last job i wanted to quit… but also i made homemade hummus and mediterranean wraps today and i have a whole dresser of art supplies and started writing up plans to build a fantasy book themed hotel …. like there’s so many things i wanna do i just don’t wanna think about the money. and also sometimes i just want to make iced coffee and have a 7 hour long nighttime routine or like binge gilmore girls all day. as is our god given right. sooooo who’s gonna fund that for me huh

#like i know im very lucky and privileged the fact that i live at home and i AM taken care of rn. i am a stay at home daughter #but the pressure to get a job and build my own career rly takes away my lust for life ngl #my mom is like why don’t u try copyrighting? u can work from home and still do everything u want!#like mom u don’t understand i don’t want to write work emails for ppl i wanna write my silly little stories abt my silly little characters #i wanna go to the homeless shelter and bring care packages i lovingly crafted myself #i wanna randomly travel to thailand and then come back and take ski lessons and then open an animal sanctuary #i DO want to enjoy all the things the world has to offer. i do. and i think that’s good and normal and fine #but i also just want the freedom to help as many people as possible and make the world a better place #i want to have the energy and motivation to put all of my ideas into action #and i think there are lots of boring rich ppl in the world who could be making the world happier and they’re not #so i want a turn

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

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ichigosoju · 4 months

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🍪🥛

#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out #and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app #i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days #esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him #but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life #i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day #it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this #it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm #plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me #but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol #and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me #think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life #even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him #i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step #im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too #then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym #things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality #i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program #and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study #then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least #i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows #and see and talk to my mom #i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with #i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it #ugh.. bc as it is now #i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone

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thepavementsings-archive · 1 year

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Honestly I think the #1 thing about moving into the professional space that I wish I learned about sooner was the importance of finding a true mentor in your field. There's so much talk about network network network but having a few people with knowledge and experience truly ride for you beats the thousands of linkedin connections ten times out of ten.

#i wish i was told at 18/19 about really leaning into people you admire/who believe in you instead of burning yourself out for tons of ppl!#ive been really lucky to have amazing people in my corner throughout my university years in my jobs who have really looked out for me!!#my research supervisor is the one who gave me the job i start friday (!!)#bc i talked to him about my short career history and fears of this tight job market and uncertainties etc etc #and he gave me this opportunity saying 'i know this isnt what you want long term and i will support u searching for what that is but for no #- i think you should push yourself to try something different!#and my old mentor who was my absolute ride or die just messaged me about coming back to my old job in a closed off industry rn #basically sat with me for an hour the other week just catching up hearing my plans talking about what i want for my career #hoping to line me back up with my old team to hopefully break the market and then help me move around once im in #to get to where i'm really passionate about #i know im soso lucky to have people like that in my corner and a lot of that just came from happenstance that personalities seem to click #but its such a weird falsity we push about #'grow your network full of these strangers at conferences! but never dare admit youre only doing that for a job opportunity!'

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famewolf · 1 year

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if im being honest and allowing myself to vent a bit about it ... another red flag was when the DM went 'wow i love the detail of your backstory but idk what i can do with it tho ):'

#[static]#it immediately made me feel bad for trying to make a character work with the aesthetic she had given us tbh #i could already tell she didnt seem to be super character story driven so i just made a pretty simple drifter-type #for a post-apocalyptic setting n such and made a group that tied into the whole over-arching premise #i also literally just did bullet points cuz i could tell she wasn't gonna want to read one of the backstories i usually do #and as someone who has mostly dm'd in the past i did my v best to make a character that was super easy for the dm to incorporate in any way #like a solid reason for being there a reason for wanting to adventure with strangers a reason for seeing the mission through no matter what #made a whole small faction and connected them to the overarching theme and plot in multiple ways #wrote down lore and npcs she could use for the faction if she didnt want to make up her own #like all the works and all i got was two sentences back about it ... one of them being like 'cool but i dont like the extra details'#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh #ok im done yelling now i just need to vent for a second #i feel bad for feeling kinda bummed about the experience because this is the first time i got to play at a physical table in years #and i know how hard it is to DM #but also when you come to the table with zero notes for the first session its ... probably gonna be disappointing jkfghdf #i DID have fun however because the party banter was hilarious and it was fun getting to hang out with ppl!#but communication between DM and players was not great #also let me be clear she did like that i made so many connections and hooks into the story and it helped her a lot #she was NOT interested in my character's past like ... jobs or npcs #but also u could just Not say anything about it and just be like 'sweet cool thanks for the info' LMAo

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pepprs · 2 years

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hm. i think i am going to stop going to counseling. he does not understand me. he pathologizes things that are not pathological.

#purrs #the premises of counseling / therapy are that you need to have boundaries and be self sufficient and fully healed. FUCK THAT! relationships #are not transactions. we are allowed to need each other. we are allowed to blur lines. we are human and messy. our thoughts and feelings ar #PRECIOUS. im not letting go of my thoughts they mean EVERYTHING to me they are the key to the WORLD. im not letting go of redacted why on #EARTH would i stop redacteding to redacted that is HELPFUL for me. i don’t CARE about the roots. who the fuck is it hurting????? NO ONE!!!!#the way he flat out told me he agrees with my mom. bitch im done forever. im done literaly forever. i don’t know how to tell him but im don #forever. maybe it’s just my id which is what he said to me LMFAO and like maybe i just don’t like being uncomfortable or facing hard truths #but i don’t fucking think it’s TRUE!!!!!!!!!! yeah i need to grow yeah i have unhealthy behaviors. but i don’t need to let go of the whole #THING bc of some arbitrary transactional concept of what relationships are supposed to be / mean. ive NEVER had a counselor try to uproot t #the whole damn thing like omg what is WRONG with you. i #im paying this man $25 a week to UNDERSTAND me and not ONCE have i felt understood by him. counselors can disagree with me but i literally #never feel like he is on my side. he’s adhering to conventional ideas about what parents are supposed to be and friends are supposed to be #and work is supposed to be etc etc. and so patronizingly said just enjoy being 23 you don’t wanna waste your 20s! FUCK YOU. i will not #regret anything even if it’s unusual. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!#and also i know he probably watches back thru the recordings and has like his supervisor and professors watch them too which means that #there is a whole team of scientists + my family studying me in a lab and thinking im insane and finding ways to tell me. but fucking bold o #him to assume he can give me any meaningful valuable insight when he is actively checking his laptop / phone during our sessions and rarely #if eve gives me a chance to drive MY OWN CONVERSATION THAT IM PAYING FOR and is so phony abt being on the recording. like Omg. maybe im jus #grown out of it. it fucking SUCKS bc i actually have things i am not normal about and really need help with and i can’t actually get help f #from ppl whose job it is to fucking help me bc they think im not normal about things i PROMISEEEE i am normal about. and the way i effectiv #effectively told him that and he responded that he can’t take that credibly bc there’s no action behind it BY WHICH HE MEANS I HAVENT #STOPPED REDACTEDING TO ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT REDACTED IN MY WHOLE LIFE? THAT I HAVENT DECIDED IM DONE LEARNING SND GROWING AND CUT IT #OFF?????? DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF. INSANE. the ANTITHESIS of human. we are MEANT TO BE CONNECTED. FUCK!!!!!!!!!#delete later #my old counselors challenged me and disagreed with me b it i never felt like they flat out were unwilling to meet me where i am and #compromise with me. is that not what counselors are supposed to do???? or have i just had bad counselors until now??? because im NORMAL. i #swear to fucking god. im normal. im literally normal and it is not doing ANYONE harm. what is wrong with you. GOD

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kicksnscribs · 9 months

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So seeings how ai work still fucks me up at the mere thought of it maybe just maybe i can get over it if i vent my frustrations out on it here?

#art hasnt been fun for me for a while for a different reason but with the introduction of ai work its just made my mindset worse #like what the fuck how dare you take the one thing im good at and make it meaningless #the only thing i may be capable of doing as a job and its being threatened with obsoletion?#“oh it helps speed up work flow” ok but why do you need it now?#why cant you just wait?#thousands of things to consume already but you want to have more?#and then when it turns out to not be good then ppl riot?#i just dont understand the push to have ai work be used in the industry #i couldnt give a rats ass if you use it for personal use but i give a mighty fuck about it being used in the industry #bc while some ppl still commission artists larger corps will not bc theyre too busy trying to scam every goddamn nickle and dime out of -#their consumer base #and goddamn if the govt is moving fast enough to mitigate the damage #and thats not even a guarantee bc lobbyists exist and you KNOW they are doing their damnedest to try and find loopholes #idk i dont know how ai systems work and unless they are related to gaming ai i really dont care #but i really REALLY care about being able to make a living off of one of the few skills im capable of doing #bc lord KNOWs im fucking worthless at everything else in this bitch ass society im forced to comply to #like fuck me i can't catch a fucking break can i?#ranting #personal rant #i aint anti but ill be damned if i view it in a favorable light #dni i just need to fucking scream

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