#my mom thinks I’m blaming everything on my autism so I’m not even trying to get better

[doctor-wombat]

.

[tinyybookclub]

The 3 Heathens: just the beginning ... (Part 1)

Alot of people hear childhood trauma and think “ wow you were abused as a kid ?” in reality we’re the product of teen pregnancy. We were conditioned by our environment to think that what we witnessed and experienced as children was normal , but thankfully we had a mom who pushed us to want more for ourselves. She put the vision in our head that we could be so much bigger than our struggles and what NYC poverty gave us. Sometimes our parents accidentally traumatize us because they dont have money.. Or they made bad decisions as a teenager.. Which definitely was the case with my mom. Her name is Christina but she ONLY goes by Tina.  ( I don't even think anyone knows my moms government name for real.) She's about 5’7 and 130 pounds , yellow as the sun , with the hottest pixie on the block. I remember dudes making Halle Berry references trying to spit game and getting brutally ignored by my mom as a kid. She always attracted a lot of attention, from both genders.. People always were inspired or influenced by my mom no matter what we went through. She grew up on the East side of Harlem raised in a middle class household as an only child.  She tells us stories about how she was a troubled teen who made her life hard all on her own by rebelling; she never once blamed her mother. My mom had my oldest brother Jared when she was 15, he’s a product of rape and my mothers good morals. He was diagnosed with autism at the age of 7. Our mom was super strict about education despite what other obstacles we went through, so Jareds regression was a dead giveaway in second grade when all of a sudden all the social skills our mother drilled in our head slowly dissipated. My twin brother Ryland and I made a pact to always protect Jared, and that we did. It got so bad in grade school they separated our schools and my mom started calling us “ The 3 Heathens”. We’re from NYC, a place where most don’t make it out. We’ve all seen a lot of crazy shit growing up and the majority of it was inside of our own home at the hands of our own father. We didn't have a mom who would necessarily neglect us and now that I’m older I understand that she had us young and was learning as she was parenting. Eventually she realized trying to keep idolizing this unrealistic idea of family with a man who was toxic to the environment and everything around him wasn't ever going to work. So no matter what trauma we’ve faced I always remind everyone she did the best she could with us, although there's times I wish she was stronger because by time she realized the ways she was  failing us .. it was too late. Too late as in , there's already trauma, broken trust and constant let downs.

As kids though, I feel like we always tried  to make the best of everything. My mom was the type of person who could decorate a whole house with dollar tree shit. It didn't matter what holiday or what her money was looking like she made sure to try and create traditions with us. My brothers and I had the craziest imaginations that would turn the NYC jungle to a magical playground and all she did was encourage us to stay innocent.  We always spent time outside in parks, riding trains, traveling tristate on the metro north,  sitting in front of buildings or simply running errands and making 1000 trips to welfare. I didn't realize until I got older that my mom only kept us out because we were living in a shelter and she wanted us to experience more than blatant poverty. That was one of the funniest things about my mom Tina . She was the bougiest welfare queen, hiding her food stamp card in stores as if she was embarrassed. That's how I knew she wanted better for us. She always said “ We will never LOOK like what we’re going through.” So we didn't. If she had to work until the sun came up she would if it meant providing. My grandma always said she had the work ethic of a man. She knew what life she wanted and she was willing to go to the ends of the earth to give it to us. Even if it meant us spending weekends with my grandma while she worked.  My grandma was there for us a lot, but by the time we were born my grandma was older. My grandma is an older lady named Treena who couldn't have children and adopted my mom when she was 40, so hopefully that gives you perspective. She helped us the best she could and my mom helped her the best she could until our grandma Treena passed away when we were 9. After that life really sucked. It broke my mom and life went downhill.

(Part 2/3 posted ✨💗)

[gggoldfinch]

the first time I wrote this my laptop crashed halfway through and deleted everything and I started sobbing. here we go again, part 2, I'll try not to have a fucking stroke:

(Also not to be weird or unkind but pls don’t read/like/reply to this if you’re not a follower or mutual of mine. I trust my regulars and mutuals, some y’all that blow in on the wind scare me …)

here’s a little personal ramble about me discovering(?) my neurodivergency (with a sprinkle of childhood trauma) (I lied it’s not a sprinkle it’s a backhoe full) because I just had a fucking MASSIVE epiphany while sitting here doing nothing. Feel free to read idc, I just need somewhere to put this since I don’t have a shrink, and maybe some y'all will relate, considering we’re all a bit touched in the head here. This is a blog and I’m finally treating it like one lmao

a little context: I had somewhat severe epilepsy from age 4-5 that seemingly had no cause, and went away on its own. yay. 

so, on to the topic at hand. My family had numerous stories about how I used to get seriously SERIOUSLY overwhelmed/ overstimulated as a child— so much so that on one particular occasion I hid in a basket of toys in my bedroom during my own birthday party until my mom had to make everyone leave early. Needless to say I was labelled “a handful.” My parents always blamed these outbursts of overstimulation in social settings on my epilepsy (even though this behavior continued after my epilepsy cured itself), saying that it made me tired, irritable, easily overwhelmed, etc. But now as an adult, knowing there is a fairly decent likelihood that I have not only adhd but autism too, this makes much more sense. Side note: my parents refuse to believe their child could be neurodivergent (among many other bigoted things their child could not be)—they shoot me down whenever I propose the idea, calling me silly—so it’s likely that bringing me to a specialist never crossed their minds, considering they didn’t want to consider it and I didn’t portray the “traditional symptoms” of neurodivergency that were known about in the early 2000s. 

all this being said, yes, I just had that epiphany while sitting here on my couch and was like. oh. damn, that kinda makes sense now, looking back through a different lens. It’s always been here, apart of me. It’s always been with me. And realizing this kinda makes me a little sad. I have all the resources at my fingertips now as an adult to learn about all the ways my behavior has been misinterpreted throughout my life. All the times when I refused to let my mom brush/touch/style my hair, when I'd only eat the same favorite foods, why I was SO obsessed with pacifiers, why I would lash out and get overwhelmed and torment everyone around me. I understand why now, and it strangely makes me feel so sad and alone.

I feel like I’m always mourning my childhood and the loss of it (crying rn lol, a tear fell in my mouth). I was friendless and bullied for 9 whole years of my life, throughout my entire elementary and middle education. My grandparents, who were my best friends, died 15 months apart and I never got proper closure, and am still in mourning over a decade later. I was diagnosed with several life changing diseases when I was just a poor dumb kid and it virtually stripped my teenage years to their bare bones. I had good times, I did, but you don’t often remember the good times, do you. I remember feeling alone, overwhelmed, and so so so different for so many years of my life, and not understanding why. I really do think my childhood ended when my grandparents died when I was 10, because after that ushered in the mental and physical health problems, and still, no comfort in peers until my late teens. Even when I finally had friends in high school (not the same friends from high school that I've talked about here, mind you), they would tease me; laugh when I’d slip up verbally, or when I was slow on the uptake, even if I asked them to stop. I’d feel overwhelmed and isolated, but I'd suck it up because this is what friends do, despite this being exactly what my merciless “friend” bullies did in middle school. 

Now I realize that I always had the right to be overwhelmed and angry that no one understood why— my symptoms of neurodivergy came in a “gifted kid” box, with hyperfixations and poor social skills abound. Now Ive got gifted kid burnout and explanations for my younger self. I understand why I sometimes felt like I needed to peel off my skin if I felt overwhelmed (still do lol), why kids didn’t want to be friends with me and thought I was weird, why I was so susceptible to teasing and why I couldn't stand up for myself, why I always pretended to fit in even though I and everyone else knew I didn’t. 

I think I deserve to grow more now, knowing all this. I know I’ve done and said a lot of stupid shit I'm not proud of, and I know it may be a copout to blame it on not being entirely sure how to navigate social situations or on kids being mean little bastards, but I sincerely think I've grown as a human just by realizing it hasn’t all been my fault like I've told myself for so long. I didn’t drive people away as a kid, I couldn’t help it if I acted out when I was overwhelmed or overstimulated or humiliated— I didn’t want to put my mom through hell when she too was young and overwhelmed with having her first kid. But that’s all behind me, and I think that knowing now where it likely all stems from, I should these experiences to get to know myself a bit more, and take care of myself. Forgive myself. 

okay now that I've cleared my sinuses with that hearty sob sesh... 🤷🏻‍♀️

[the-players-arcade]

Personal

I’m not sure if i’m going to post this or not. I feel like I should. Like I want to. Fuck it. I’m gonna. So. I’ve been a bit busy with life. Mainly, dealing with myself and my mother being kicked out by my Aunt, Christine Brooks.

The reason we got kicked out was because my Aunt, was yelling at my mother and blaming her for things like asking if she wants the trash in the living room to be taken out. And my mother began crying.

I couldn’t stand it, and I stormed into the room, and screamed back at her in defense of my mother, saying “She was trying to help you”.

Out of all the things I thought my Aunt would do, CALLING THE FUCKIGN COPS ON ME, is NOT what I expected.

I would’ve yelled more at her if I wasn’t so shocked. I went upstairs with my mother, who afterward went back downstairs, and waited for the Cops to arrive. I was sitting there, shaking and rocking in place as I genuinely believed that my life was now over because my Aunt got scared of me, as I couldn’t stop thinking the words “It’s my fault”

And I had to mentally fight against myself on that thought. Because it wasn’t. I couldn’t have known that my Aunt would escalate to calling the fucking cops on me, because I yelled back at her for the first time in fucking ever. Because I chose to defend my mother against her yelling, because I could not fucking stand hearing my own mother cry.

The cops arrived, and I calmly stated that all I did was yell back at my aunt. I made no move to physically harm her nor ever had the intention to do so. My goal in that moment was to get between my aunt and my mother and protect my mom.

No one got arrested. All the cops did was say they can’t make me and my mother leave, and said my aunt could try and get an eviction on us. Which she said she would try to do so, once the Courts and stuff were open; It was the weekend, and the court would only open on Monday.

After that, I was genuinely afraid of going downstairs by myself. Because I know my Aunt owns a gun. And after her calling the cops on me, I no longer knew what she might decide to do.

To skip ahead a bit... We managed to get a place, on lease for a year. I ended up personally putting in 1,400 dollars. One bedroom, but we can make it work. Happens to be something me and my mom are good at; Making stuff work.

It’s a lot nicer then living out in the city. I don’t hear gunshots at night. i don’t hear explosions. or screams. Or yelling. It’s so much nicer here.

But my Sister got left behind. Sierra. Who Christine Brooks raised as her own child. Who, legally I must admit, took her form my mother. Because when me and my sister were born, my mother got sick. Really sick. To the point she didn't know if she’d make it. She trusted me to my Father, and my Sister to Aunt Chris.

She made it. She lived. And then my Aunt decided not to give Sierra back.

My aunt has since used the funds she has procured from having Sierra to get things she otherwise wouldn’t have. And currently, before we left, all my Sister was given to fucking eat, has been biscuits and gravy, cheese pizza, and fucking puffy cheetos. Christine Brooks also babysits for her actual child, Tony, helping care for Tony’s baby. And neglecting my Sister.

Did I mention my Aunt also smokes pot? Legally, yes. But she smokes it way too fucking much. She smokes it around Sierra. Even around the baby. Whenever me and Mom got back from somewhere, we’d be able to smell the pot before even getting in front of the front door. Oh, speaking of that baby, she lets that baby draw on everything. On the walls, the fridge, and even lets her play atop the stove.

And my Sister is forced to be stuck in a fucking room so the baby can leave her alone. Because my sister, has autism. More severely then I. She has health issues, medical problems, and problems with her sight. So yeah, my Aunt made a lot of money raising her. Money isnt’ really the issue I have with her having my Sister though.

The real issue is all the time I could’ve spent with her. All the time me and her could’ve bonded. When we were kids, we got along great. We played so much stuff together, when we could see eachother. But then we had to move a long time ago, and saw eachother a lot less. ...And my sister changed. I don’t know of everything she went through. But she seemed a lot less happier.

And now my Sister... may never see me again. As she probably gets yelled at more by our Aunt for not understanding things. Manipulated and mentally messed with by my Aunt. My Sister is about as old as me, but mentally... she didn’t really get taught how to grow up. My aunt tells her she needs to learn things, yet she still yells at her and makes her stay in her fucking room for so long.

I am so sorry Sierra. I am so, so sorry. You deserve a better life. You deserve so much better. i’m sorry I couldn’t stick around to help you. I would’ve if I didn’t feel so scared of being killed by my own aunt because I no longer knew what she could decide to do.

As for my aunt, Christine Brooks? Believe me, I know what I could have chosen to do. I know what i’m capable of. But it’s not knowing what you can do that makes someone dangerous or evil. It’s whether or not you choose to. And I chose not to do anything to her. Because she’s in her 60s. I’m in my 20s. I have a lot more time in my life then her.

I’ll outlive her. And that’s good enough for me.

[sunflowerinc]

my mom will never understand or acknowledge the emotional damage she has caused me & I’m tired of feeling like it’s all in my head/I’m just being dramatic

so I tried to write everything down & I’m putting it here so that Someone besides me can know that she:

shames me for things about my appearance/related to my disabilities (the fact that I can’t work/go to school/be fully independent/etc)

constantly reinforces the idea that I need her/wouldn’t be able to survive without her, yet berates me any time I call her for help & tells me I should be able to do things myself

can’t keep her story straight & twists the narrative to always be in her favor

acts like she’s an expert on autism/disability in general bc she read some books about it & thinks she knows more than me despite me being the disabled person with actual lived experience

her view of me is solely based around my autism, but still scolds me for my autistic traits & refuses to make accommodations so things aren’t as hard for me

any time I make a valid point, she refuses to respond/acknowledge it or deflects to something completely unrelated

tries to instill fear in my head, constantly telling me how the world is a dangerous place full of people who want to hurt me (which makes my paranoia/intrusive thoughts even worse)

fabricates stories of times she ‘protected’ me from strangers trying to prove that I can’t handle myself out there

firmly believes she is always right/can do no wrong

thinks she knows everything & never accepts what I have to say or try to see things from my perspective

treats me differently than my sister/the rest of my family (probably bc of my disabilities) but is in complete denial & refuses to admit it

turns my words into a boomerang- when I’m trying to explain something to her, she will repeat what I just said back to me & act like it was her idea/I’m the one who needs to understand

most of the time she’ll say that she loves me/try to compliment me, but on occasion she snaps & starts verbally attacking me (I’m sure that’s how she really feels & she always thinks those things about me but is usually holding back on saying them)

constantly invalidates my emotions/tries to tell me how to feel

thinks doing the bare minimum makes her a good parent & I should be thankful for it

treats me like a child but tells me to act like an adult

always puts the blame on me & doesn’t take accountability for her words/actions

says things & denies she ever said them when I call her out on it 5 seconds later

continues to say/do things I have repeatedly told her are unhelpful/make my symptoms worse all the while saying “I’m just trying to help”

thinks she knows my body better than I do & gets to decide my capabilities/dictate what I can & can’t do

I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for her & she doesn’t acknowledge how hard I’m trying

I don’t feel safe opening up to her about my problems/can’t talk to her about anything without it blowing up into an argument

[butterflyinthewell]

To trans folks who are trying to set trolls straight about Chris-Chan’s gender: Your hearts are in the right place, but the trolls do not care. They will keep misgendering Chris to piss you off and screenshot your reaction.

Yes, I’m talking about THE Chris-Chan. CWC, creator of Sonichu.

(TW: this post will mention rape and incest.)

I know, I know… “But if we let people misgender Chris, what’s stopping them from doing it to other trans people?”

Nothing.

There’s nothing you can do, unfortunately. The thing with trolls is they aren’t here to learn, they’re here to frustrate, annoy and anger you. They throw out all kinds of little hooks by saying offensive things, or things that trick you, and it’s all a game to them when somebody bites the bait.

It wouldn’t surprise me if trolls are saying horrible things about autism, too. That’s more my lane and partly why I don’t dig too deep in the tags about this situation. Again, I stress not engaging with that to correct trolls. They don’t care, they want to offend you.

As frustrating as it is, take note of the people who use Chris’ current pronouns and recognize that there are people who make an effort to get them right. I’m sure the trans people reading what you say will see that and know you care to gender them correctly.

It’s possible Chris transitioned believing she can get with lesbians. It’s entirely possible she’s exactly the stereotype that TERFs rant about and her shitty behavior might be used in the future to argue their views. TERFs will be TERFs. Some of Chris’ trolls may be trans themselves.

As it stands, Chris presents as a woman, so I’ll use she/her pronouns unless she decides to present as non-binary or a man again. You’re welcome to do the same when talking about her. Don’t waste your time trying to correct trolls, just use Chris’ current pronouns and leave it at that.

It sucks, but that’s how trolls troll.

Moving on…

I wonder if Chris would’ve been a weird, harmless nobody if Mimms never took her photo in The Game Place.

This all started because her photo was taken without her knowledge or consent and posted on a forum, which ended up spreading to the wider web and…yeah.

Would she have been an internet sensation? Would she have transitioned? Would she be a known name on the web?

Maybe everything would’ve gone down the same, but without an audience to bear witness.

Regardless, Chris is a trainwreck of a person. I don’t say that lightly. She didn’t deserve the trolling and abuse she got, yet she isn’t innocent in this either.

I felt sorry for her at first because I’m autistic too and was bullied severely in high school, some of it included physical assault and attempted murder. I reacted to the constant name calling and mockery irl a lot like Chris reacted to her online trolls. I’m thankful that my most volatile years happened before I had internet access. I’m two years older than Chris. I had my own drama with trolls that lasted a few years, but I grew up a bit more.

But I digress…

Chris didn’t get the internet safety talk that I got before getting let loose online, and people took advantage of her gullibility, her autism, whatever mental illnesses she might have and her obsession with getting laid. She ignored warnings to the contrary and in some instances her mom enabled her while her dad tried (and failed) to reign her in.

At the same time, Chris has a history of being racist, ableist, homophobic and misogynistic. She ignores people’s boundaries even when they were clearly stated. She’s entitled and thinks everything bad is a conspiracy against her. She acts like the world operates on cartoon rules and can’t handle it when situations don’t turn out in her favor like she believes they should. It’s a strange view of “Anything I do is good because I did it, and anybody who tells me it’s bad or treats me badly is evil or a troll.”

How she comes across to others and how she thinks she comes across are incongruent with each other, and she refuses to take any correction. An example is the claw hand she used to do while railing at trolls. It’s clear she’s imitating stuff she saw in cartoons, but doesn’t grasp that it looks silly in real life. It leaves me wondering if she ever watched her videos back to see how she really looks before uploading them.

Chris did a lot of disgusting things of her own volition, like not leaving people alone, uploading that sexual drawing featuring Megan, using pepper spray without provocation and trying to hit someone with her car.

Trolls tricked her into humiliating herself and shared the results, like hacking into her email, sharing chats where she gave out embarrassing details about herself, prank calling her house and posting the infamous blowup doll video.

If you know “Christory”, you know what I’m talking about.

If you don’t know, it’s something that’s gone on longer than some people have been alive.

No side is innocent here. I don’t blame Chris for attracting trolls, they chose to go and harass her because she jumped when they poked her.

I’ve followed Chris’ story off and on since 2008, back when she was making her Sonichu comics and being awkward. I never participated in trolling her. I’ve only ever seen the aftermath of troll operations, but the things she endured were cruel. (The Miyamoto saga and the BlueSpike saga come to mind.) I looked her up to see if she was alive and okay. I sent her my AFBV message a couple years ago, but never got a response.

I wonder if this could’ve been avoided if Chris never got trolled and was supervised better while online. That’s where her parents failed her. I felt bad for her; she didn’t know how to conduct herself and kept falling for trolling schemes because she was so desperate to get a girlfriend. It’s like she ignored that little gut warning that says “hey, this feels like a trick” and it was like watching someone fall down the same hillside over and over.

But after what she did to her mom, I lost any sympathy I had for her. Yes, trolls have traumatized her and messed with her head for over a decade and that’s gross, but what she did to her mom was unconscionable. It’s indefensible. It’s morally abhorrent.

She had sex with (or possibly raped via coercion) her elderly mom, who may have dementia.

Chris’ autism was taken advantage of for years, and now she might’ve taken advantage of her mom’s dementia to harm her for the past month.

Think about that. There is no defending that. She finally did something she can’t just wave away or pay her way out of.

Trolls didn’t put Chris up to that, she did it all by herself.

Now she’s under arrest.

Time and again Chris has had run-ins with the law and got away with slaps on the wrist, but I don’t think she’s going to walk away from this so easily.

I hope this situation finally gets Chris the help she desperately needs. I don’t know if her dimensional merge stuff is a delusion from undiagnosed and untreated mental illness or if it’s a paracosm she’s chosen to live in and act out because she can’t handle how cruel the real world is. Please note that I don’t say mental illness lightly either, because I’m aware of the stigma.

At this point I think she needs a caregiver who will supervise her online activities and help her manage her finances. (She will likely resist this…)

Chris’ autism and whatever else she has going on appears to make it very difficult for her to see things from any perspective besides her own. I’m autistic too, so I understand this— sometimes I get this way and have to walk myself back to see other perspectives, or I ask people to give me their side of it to help me understand how they see it even if I don’t agree with their view.

Chris needed more guidance and reality checks growing up, but didn’t get them, and now she needs both more than ever as she faces the results of her behavior. If she is delusional, she needs help to navigate it and I hope she can do that away from trolls. She needs to face consequences for (possibly) raping someone.

I wonder what the legal system will do with her, and I hate that her life has come to this. It was so avoidable. 😞

Sorry, Chris…I hope you’ll get help now, and I hope Barb is okay.

[autisticarachnid]

on september 3rd, 2018, at 2 in the morning, i was dumped via twitter dms by my partner of nearly 8 months. at around 10 pm that day, i finally broke down and was wailing so loudly i could be heard all the way downstairs- and my mom and brother came sprinting.

two weeks later i discovered my ex had been lying (and possibly cheating) to me for weeks. i cut all contact with them, but not before they wrote a post blaming me for everything. saying me bringing up my hopes for the future made them “feel trapped”, that my autism was “just too hard for them to deal with”, along with a few more nonsensical claims.

i spent the next year trying to heal from the unexpected trauma it left me with. i struggled with more self-hatred than i’d ever dealt with, fears i was too much (especially for being autistic, something i’d barely been diagnosed with a year by then). i had three different breakdowns in the span of a week, and spent so many nights sobbing and wishing i was dead.

i was stable for a little while until around september 2019, a year later, when i relapsed and fell into another bad depressive episode. it took me weeks to feel somewhat stable again.

then, in february 2020, i got into a happy, very healthy relationship with one of my longtime friends. i was so, so happy- but also so, so scared, as all my fears began to resurface. the first six months, i couldn’t bring myself to even think about the future or speak it into existence, as i was afraid that if i did, everything would fall apart again. i was so scared that it wouldn’t last, that i would be too much. i fought with a lot of the scars that i had never realized i even had. every time my girlfriend told me she loved me, i’d start crying because i never thought someone could love me.

but, despite my doubts, time passed, and then came our one year anniversary. i was happier than i’d ever been, and yet couldn’t believe i had made it that long. then even more time passed, and then came our 18 month anniversary- and we became promised.

and now, it’s september 3rd, 2021. it’s been three years since one of the most traumatic days of my life, three years since i spiraled into complete and utter heartbreak and depression. and despite the many long nights spent crying, spent wishing i was dead- i’m here. and i’m actually happy.

many of my fears have mostly dissipated. at every turn, my girlfriend is there to reassure and love me. i’m happy, i’m mostly stable, and for the first time in my life, memories of that summer are mostly out of my head. i’m actually, finally healing. and it couldn’t be a happier feeling.

[spectrumed]

3. sadness

Don’t be like that. Be like this, or be that other thing. Be unique, but don’t be too unique. Fit in, but try to be a rebel. Be a renegade, but don’t rock the boat. Don’t know what you are supposed to be? What? Do you have imposter syndrome or something? Just be yourself, but, y’know, sand down the edges a little bit. Be friendlier. Be the kind of person everyone likes. Be the life of the party! Don’t be some shut-in, some crazy cat-lady with absolutely zero social life. Don’t be sad. Don’t burden others with your sadness. Work to maximise the total happiness of your community. A smile goes a long way. Can’t smile? You really can’t help but being a sourpuss all the time? Well, I guess maybe that if you can’t help but stay in a perpetual bad mood bringing everyone else down… then maybe you should just stay isolated? Better stay alone, away from others. You’re toxic. You’re just so damned sad. You really must be quarantined.

I am sad, a lot of the time. Are you? But, no, you can’t just admit that you are sad. Don’t be a buzzkill, try to inject a little humour into the things you say. You can admit you’re depressed, if you do so with a joke. Don’t let others know you’re being sincere. Ironic jokes work the best, don’t they? They let you confess your secret gloom to everyone around, but they’ll never know just how serious you’re being. With a wink of the eye, any candid expression of your inner turmoil can become a hilarious post-modern gag. Are they or are they not telling the truth? Oh, I’ll never tell! And it will all work out excellent, up until the day you commit suicide. But every comedian’s time in the limelight has to end at some point, right?

This blog is supposed to be about autism spectrum disorder, why am I suddenly discussing depression? Well, I suppose that it is time we bring to the table this little thing called comorbidity. Psychology is messy. Some would argue that it is barely even a real scientific field (I tend to think that it is the best thing we have, but I acknowledge that in places, psychology is fundamentally flawed.) You may have thought that you’d get just one diagnosis. One simple label that you can work through and overcome. You’re bipolar, now go deal with it! But instead, you find yourself with a whole fistful of diagnoses. What to hear my proud list of diagnoses? Oh, please, don’t think because I am listing them this one certain way, I put them in order of relevancy to me. I love all of my diagnoses equally.

My diagnoses are:

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)

Agoraphobia

Possible Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Asperger syndrome (AS)

No, I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but largely because, at the time I received these diagnoses, my depression was so blatant that it felt as if I was walking around with a cloud of miasma surrounding at all times. Imagine me as Pig-Pen from Peanuts, but instead of being covered in dirt, I was covered in the funk of melancholy. And whatever treatment I would eventually go on to receive (and still am receiving to this day,) would go about treating my anxiety first, and hopefully, the depression would give in alongside the anxiety. It has, for the most part, though, I still feel the presence of that black dog from time to time. I also got only a half-hearted potential diagnosis of OCD, but later, during a trial of an antidepressant that had a freakishly negative impact on my psyche, it blossomed into a fully-grown attention-craving condition. Turns out that OCD can be a real hog for the spotlight, really not allowing any of the other diagnoses to take their turn on stage. Thankfully, when I got off that particular antidepressant, those symptoms stopped, but it has led me to be far more aware of my internal obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. For me, OCD largely lacks physical compulsions, but my mind is ablaze with intrusive thoughts, and I will routinely force myself to repeat certain phrases in my head to make them go away. The funny thing is, I never realised that wasn’t normal.

Diagnoses are an attempt to map out a spiders’ web of problems. Things come hand in hand. While I’m no psychologist, I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been through the psychiatric process, which I suppose, lends me a certain kind of expertise, doesn’t it? Maybe it really doesn’t. Maybe I’m just throwing words out there, thinking that I could serve a good purpose, but instead all I am doing is contributing to this great onslaught of digital disinformation we’re all suffering under. But I’m probably just too doubtful of myself. I am speaking about myself, after all. I’ve got first-hand experience in being myself. I know exactly what it feels like to own this skin, these bones, this heart, and this mushy brain of mine. I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m just claiming to know about this one sad individual writing this hoping it might allow someone to reblog my posts with the hashtag “relatable” one day.

Anxiety runs in my family. The neurosis demon gets passed down from generation to generation, only occasionally skipping a beat. My mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, though, she has for the most part of her life not had it to quite the excessive degree that I have it. I really took that genetic predisposition for anxiety and ran with it. And while I’m the only person in my family to have gotten diagnosed as being “on the spectrum,” there are a few members that I kinda sort of in a way actually quite seriously suspect might also be here somewhere on the spectrum. Still, as always goes with diagnosing, there’s no point in doing it unless the person is in need of some kind of treatment. I wholeheartedly believe that most people on the planet belong to one spectrum, be it an autism spectrum, a bipolar spectrum, a narcissism spectrum, even a schizophrenic spectrum, but diagnoses should be exclusively reserved for those who need psychiatric care. The world is a spectrum, and it’s worth noting that the terms “sane” and “insane” do not alone capture the complexity of the human psyche. A person can appear perfectly sensible, yet at some point in their life, they may have been a real silly little bugger who thought that their pet hamster was the reincarnation of the Buddha. Just as with physical health, one can struggle with one's mental health for one period in their life, only to later on in life feel utterly and entirely mentally healthy. Or, well, sadly in a lot of cases, people who were perfectly mentally healthy may suddenly become diagnosed with dementia. But that’s really sad, so let’s not talk about that.

Is it all genetic? Well, no. Or well, maybe? In regards to autism, I am pretty sure that, yes, it is genetic. While, yes, I do admit that I’m just a dummy on the internet, so what do I really know? And the brain is such a complex bit of mushy meat, so I could always be proven wrong. Though, I tend towards thinking that there most likely is principally a genetic factor to conditions like autism, or attention deficit disorder (and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,) or things like bipolar disorder. But with anxiety, quite frankly, I can’t say how much of it is nurture and how much of it is nature. I mentioned that my mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, so that would imply that there is something in one's genes that can make some more prone to anxiety than others, but my mother does not struggle with agoraphobia, nor does she seem to have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In fact, in my family, even those that exhibit some element of heightened anxiety, they don’t seem to show any milder symptoms of this kind. I can’t help but feel as if these conditions I gained through that tortuous period of every boy’s and girl’s (and boy-girl’s) life is called puberty. I hate to conform to stereotypes but I did indeed hate being a teenager. Believe it or not, I wasn’t a jock, and no, I didn’t go to parties. I mostly spent my time crying.

The question that no doubt plagues every movie psychiatrist to no end is what kind of trauma must a person undergo to make them go mad? Abusive parents? Abusive uncles? Abusive teachers? Abusive dogs? Honestly, to be an adult raising a child must be rough, considering how any mistake you make might suddenly turn your little babe into a future serial killer. Now, there’s no doubt that there are some seriously terrible parents out there, and that a lot of people have mental woes that definitely came about due to their parents and their abysmal lack of parental care. But generally, how much can you actually blame on your parents? We know the cliché, let’s go sit down on the sofa and complain to our Freudian hack-shrink all about those times as a kid our dad missed the big game, or that time our mother embarrassed us in front of all of our friends. I have plenty of things to complain about my parents, like I believe we all have. Our parents are flawed, messy human beings, of course they occasionally made mistakes throughout our upbringings. But is that nearly enough to turn a person mentally ill? Putting up with an at times really embarrassing mom? No, I don’t think so. And of course, there are some real awful parents out there, I’m not doubting that. Trust me, I’m a fan of true crime, so I’ve heard some real grizzly stories of what some kids are forced to grow up with. But I am thinking that those instances are more rare than they are common. Most people with mental illnesses can most likely not blame their parents.

How ‘bout bullies? Yes, them bullies. Them awful mean bullies that made all of our lives so painful. It’s funny, it seems like every school had their own fair share of bullies, and yet no-one as an adult ever comes forward to admit that they themselves were the bullies. It’s almost like as if no-one ever thinks of themselves as being a bully, even when they are throwing rocks at that weird chubby kid with blonde hair who happens to be named Fredrik and who just wants to be left alone. Was I bullied? Well… yes. But I can’t say I got the brunt of it. I got bullied, but overall I’d say I only ever had it slightly worse than most people. I was still quite tall, typically taller than my classmates growing up, and for the most part I could roll with the punches. If you really want to talk about a kid I knew growing up that got bullied, let me tell you about this kid who knew all the right dances for all the right Britney Spears songs. He was gay, I think. Not quite old enough to have come out, I suspect, but, well... He liked all the female pop stars, but not in that way of wanting to kiss them and fondle their boobies, but in the “I want to sound just like them when I grow up” sort of way. I don’t know what happened to him (or them, or her, depending on how they identify now,) but that was real bullying. Like most folks, I found myself stuck in that limbo of seeing others get bullied far worse than me and being too cowardly to intervene, in fears that I’d end up taking their place. Yes, isn’t school just a marvellous place? It’s a wonder any of us turn out okay.

No, I think that, fundamentally, the problems I have arose with myself. This, blaming myself, is not something that I am unused to doing. I have a long history of blaming myself, that’s really the problem. As a teenager I knew that I was different, and I was frightened and scared of being exposed. I didn’t even really know what it was that was different about me, I just knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I didn’t deserve to fit in. The older I got, the more intense these feelings got. And I started taking it out on myself. I started hating myself. And I really mean furiously hating myself. It wasn’t some casual self-loathing, it was searing self-hatred. I did not physically hurt myself, but I did engage with self-harm. I kept repeating the mantras of “I hate myself,” and “I am pathetic,” over and over again, with the ultimate goal of making myself cry. For a period, I couldn’t go to bed without making myself cry first. I began taking days off from school, pretending to be sick. Well, I suppose I was ill, but not physically. I began failing most of my classes, I only ended up doing well in art. I stayed away from school for whole weeks at the time. Once, when I shame-facedly returned to school some of the meaner boys came up to me and said that they were surprised to learn that I was still alive. They were surprised, but also a little disappointed.

This was a time in my life when I really needed psychiatric care. This became increasingly obvious to my parents, and my teachers. I was clearly suffering from depression. Not just some teenaged angst, but full-blown, wholly insidious, depression. But, well, I didn’t get the care that I needed. Oh, I did go to see a psychologist a couple of times, but she saw no reason for me to continue seeing her. I don’t know why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help, frankly, I can’t fathom why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help. I suppose I avoided telling her the truth of what went on inside of my head, but I feel like as if any good psychologist would have been able to tell that the kid sitting across from them was clearly suffering from something a tad more intense than just some common concerns about puberty. At most I was able to confess was that I was feeling ashamed over myself for getting so fat, but it should have been clear to anybody that I was only using that as a hook to hang my self-hatred on. There very clearly was some underlying condition that I had that should have gotten addressed. But it went ignored.

At most I can think to explain this is the fact that I wasn’t “problematic.” Not in the way some kids are, when they’re struggling with their mental health. I did not act out, I did not take drugs, and I was certainly not violent. Even to this day, though I have at many times suffered from suicidal ideation, I am a real low-risk for actual suicide considering my intense fear of dying (yes, that’s an odd combo to have.) So, I’ve come to realise that the only way I am getting treatment is if I actually seek out treatment. And back then, I was just as placid as I had previously always been. I was quiet and introverted, just desperate to get back home so I could go and hide in my room. Many teenagers are like that. And it is easy to ignore them, because they want to be ignored. They just don’t want to exist. When you are desperate to be left alone, eventually people will leave you alone. I would go on to receive psychiatric care later on my life, but only after several years passed. I did have a better time living in my later teenage years, but like with a bone that heals wrong, I needed someone to come in and sort me out. I was sad as a teenager, but I would become really sad as a twenty-something. Hopefully my thirties will be jolly.

[way2gowillow]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry willow, I'm God how do I say this. Willow, IM having a bad day, and none of mreinds really care, My dad is on vacation, y'know about my mom, and again, my friends and sister edon't ally care about me anymore, althey'vl moved on, but I'm.. IM having a bad day, and I'm just so emotinol, and I'm so sorry, this isn't your responsibility and you're sick right now, but willow im scared and everything hurts, and wIant to relaspe and I fon't know who else to talk too. and im always so annoying I message you and comment on your things all the time, I know you are sick of me. You have to be. Its not your job to take care of me, a random 15-year-old girl off the internet who is scared to live scared to die, scared of everything. Scareed of her ow mom, and I don't want to annoy you, I do it too much, but seriously im so scared willow, you evedonn have to answer this I wont blame you in you do, but everything hurts. I'm a shaking leaf and I'm so scared to even be alive anymore, I don't want to make another person hate me. I get excited, generally excited and I scare people away I can't help it its a sign of autism. I know it is but even so I'm so sorry for bothering you, but forgot how to be happy again. ALl i can irememberas tp be scared. Im so sorry, I feel so bad writing this message you don't have to deal with me, im aputting my fucking problems on someone else. its just all iI wants a hug, or someone ANYWONE at this point to tell me ill be okay. but maybe I wont and ill have to deal with that, im sorry again. - rosie

Shit, ok. I want to apologize because I didn't see this until much much later. You are no bother to me. I want to make that very clear. I'm so damn sorry that you're hurting right now. If I could, I would shield you from all of it because you don't deserve that.

It's okay to be scared. You've been through a lot- (way too much for a kid.) I hope I wasn't too late in trying to stop you from hurting yourself. But if you did end up relapsing tonight, then please know that a new day means we get to try again. I'm sure I've said it before but I'll say it again- I need you here with me alive.

I look forward to your comments and messages. They bring me joy. I can't emphasize enough how much I would miss them. You could never make me hate you, nor do I want you to think that I don't want anything to do with you. You're a gift!

Please try to be safe tonight. I'm always here to listen, even though I suck at responding quickly. If things get too rough though, definitely reach out and find some professional help. I just want you to be okay. <3

[mooncruiser]

Heyy!! I’ve been meaning to pin my testimony, so here it is :)

So, my life wasn’t really the greatest growing up. I mention C-PTSD in my bio, and that’s what I’ll get into a bit. I’ll try not to be too graphic, but I can’t guarantee it’ll be totally safe.

There were some questionable things in my toddler years, a neglectful daycare center for 3 months, my dad being in and out of my life due to fear of getting attached at first, him flying off the handle once with me (my mom got on him for it, so it never happened again) but I think the trauma started with my cousins leaving me stuck out in a baby swing twice, a near death experience with a dog bite, and a homicidal attempt on me and my mom by my sister, who was 16 at the time (I’m 5 years old). 

There was also the dog cage incident I believe at…6 years old? Me and my brother were playing and he forgot me on accident. I pretty much accepted at this point that life was gonna chain me up and try to kill me lol, but it let up for a good while, and I had a pretty decent childhood. At 9 years old, there was the torturously loud school program in the gym I had to sit through for 2 hours, I think. 

It was at 10 when things became chronically ongoing. Domestic violence at home from my sister (physical, emotional abuse on me and my family), more physical and emotional abuse at school from my assistant teacher because I was on an IEP for my autism. At 11, I was sexually abused by my female friend who was 12, and her female cousin, who was 13. I was abandoned by my cousins and aunt, and I was being placed in a seclusion room at school during standardized tests (which was sensory deprived solitary confinement) even after I was finished for the day. At 12 years old, I started being emotionally neglected by my mother.

I mean, I was so angry and depressed and secretly suicidal at 10, but by 12 I was severely dissociating (I had been dissociating during trauma at various times prior). I had so much fear and anxiety that by the time I was 13 I’d be feeling like passing out 24/7, so I got on meds, which only helped the more severe physical symptoms, I guess. 

At 13, I started being groomed by this high school girl that liked me. She was a Sophomore, and I was in 7th grade. She noticed the neglect and told me she knew me better. She would give me gifts, teach me to ship gay pairings, gave me a gay pedophilic manga. Shamelessly told me she had sexual relations with her male cousin and his friends who were around my age. I blocked it out. 

I also had a very abusive friendship with a girl online who had BPD. My assistant teacher, who came with me to middle school, restrained and tortured me with the marching band’s loud music in the hallway, which only intensified my dissociative symptoms (I was actually switching alters at this point regularly and having no idea).

I remember at 13 being confused about my gender and sexuality. My mom was no help and just wanted me to hide it from my family and everyone else, for reputation purposes and she didn’t want me bullied. That was actually how I decided to get in contact with my grooming abuser, which I wonder at this point whether that was my fault. I didn’t expect her to really take over like she did, but I was essentially brainwashed into accepting whatever I was feeling for her benefit. I just wanted advice and a friend. 

I was so lonely, I had been desperate for friends for years, and I was desperate for someone to love me in any way, honestly. I was overeating. I’d spend hours daydreaming, in video games or entertainment to escape from school and everything else. During meltdowns, I’d be doing self injurious behaviors. 

So by 14, I come out as a lesbian. Had a couple relationships with girls who just saw me as a sexual object (I remember saying yes to sexual things even though I didn’t want to, just so that they wouldn’t abandon me. Dissociating off and finding it disgusting), would cheat on me with multiple people, ignore me for new friends, etc. 

The BPD friend I dated, when I broke up with her, immediately attempted suicide so that scarred me more into our trauma bond. She’d show me self harm pics she took from time to time. It scared me into making sure I didn’t trigger her again, but u know I never knew what triggered her in the first place, so, like with everything else, I had no strategy to life. It was either fight, run, dissociate or nod yes to everything. She took up the latter lol. 

I came out as trans my Freshman year, and stayed that way into my Sophomore year. I was bitter about dating because of the whole sexual object thing, and full of shame at the same time, thinking no one would want me. I thought I was asexual. I tried out a career high school honestly just to get away from the memories of my old school. 

Some feelings about being trans started to fade, but not entirely, so I went by genderfluid/genderqueer from 17-19. I was excited to make new friends at my new school, but my anxiety kept me from it. I opened up very awkwardly about my dating history to one girl (which tbh I shouldn’t have, but I had been brainwashed so lol) and she told all the girls in my lab, and I was excluded and bullied (and cyberbullied) from thereon. 

I didn’t know it at first, it was so subtle. But once I knew, I tried standing up for myself and told the principal, which made them leave me alone for the most part. They’d glare at me, use me at graduation, cyberbully me one last time 8 months after graduation, and that was it. I still had to deal with domestic violence until I was 22, but once I graduated everything pretty much hit me.

I knew I’d be too stressed out to go to college or work. School indoctrination tried to teach me to be neurotypical and expect this, but it wasn’t happening. I was too afraid to leave my house for a year, and too afraid to be honest online for fear of being watched and bullied, or stalked. I was seriously considering suicide down the line. I thought I had nothing left to live for. I was useless. Nobody cared. Friends moved on to their new lives and I was dying. 

That’s when Jesus stepped in.

I guess I started being curious about God again for the first time since I was 12. I always believed in God, was grateful to Him for being there for me during the domestic violence and never blamed Him for it. I found out about worship music and was thrilled, and a question came up. Was being gay a sin? My grooming abuser taught me that God made me gay, so it was alright. But I wanted to know for sure this time from the Word. 

To my surprise, she was wrong. The Bible said it was indeed, a sin (the practice, not so much the identity aspect). I couldn’t piece together why, so I struggled with it for months. On my 20th birthday however, when I got done creating fanart of a gay pairing, I felt strongly convicted by the Holy Spirit that it was wrong. So I went to God.

I said, “If it is wrong, please change me so I can make You happy, because I love You. In the meantime, I won’t do anything in support of it for a while. If it’s not wrong, don’t change me, and I’ll know which way is right because I trust You.” When I look back on it, it was a pretty crazy prayer. Lots of people have said they couldn’t “pray the gay away”, and I do wonder what the difference was with me.

After 3 months, I stopped to check if I still felt anything, and the feelings were gone. My gender dysphoria was gone, too. I was way too afraid to tell anybody yet, but I remember when I did, one of the first people I told was my grooming abuser. 

She was livid, tried one last time to intimidate me. Another time we crossed paths (she came out of nowhere saying hi, said she worked at that market, complimented me and walked away smiling) and I was triggered, I messaged her and told her how she hurt me and I couldn’t bear to be around her anymore, but I hoped she’d have a good life. She didn’t respond online, but she complained to my sister that I thought she was a predator, and by the end of the conversation tries to get her to tell me she said hi. When she had kids, she was planning on raising them to be nonbinary. Her husband was abusive to them, so she ended up losing them. She never bugged me again. 

I was blown away by how God had changed me. How He opened my eyes to the truth. I prayed for Him to open my eyes to whatever else I had been blind to, and He slowly began lifting off the amnesia surrounding all my traumas, urging me towards recovery with Him. I realized I might have OSDD-1b recently as well, which is strange that I could have possibly had DID prior to losing my amnesia? 

I have been on this journey ever since, journaling, blogging, researching, and finally in a wonderful therapy called EMDR where I truly release the traumas from my body, hear God’s new positive beliefs to replace old negative ones from my childhood, and experience loving extraordinary visions while processing that teach me to focus on Jesus, trust Him more, love and pray for my enemies, and have a real satisfying relationship with Him that’s unattainable with anyone on Earth, along with daily Bible study. 

The picture on the left was me at 16 in my old life, the one on the right is me in my new creation :) God bless all of you, thank you for reading this far 💕💖

[forestwater87]

Every episode of Camp Camp ranked: A very (non)objective list

It's well past the time of year when Season 5 of Camp Camp would've dropped. I fully understand and support it not coming out; the crew's health and safety are much more important than a comfort show.

However . . . man, would it be nice to have some comfort right now.

So I'm reliving the entire series! I've been known to share with the world a whole bunch of Spicy Hot Takes, but I've never really sat down and talked about my feelings about the show as a whole. 

And what's the best way to do that? Well, just ask Jenny Nicholson: a numbered list! That is, here's the series ranked from worst episode to best, because I want to get the negativity out of the way early and focus on everything I love (and because people enjoy complaining, so let’s frontload all that). 

The takes will be hot. The feelings will be intense. The post, I'm assuming, will be largely unread.

Let's do it!

Oh and duh, there are spoilers. I tried to keep it pretty chill, but you’ll want to have watched the whole show or just not care about spoilers before going forward.

Also slashes in the middle of “naughty words” are meant to prevent this from being kept out of the main tags. Who knows if it’ll work? I don’t.

60. Who Peed the Lake? (Season 4, epis/sode 3)

Ah, good ol' Pi/ss Lake (or as @hopefullypessimistic84​ calls it because she's funnier than any of us will ever be, “Pis/s Fe/tish Dot Com”). Terrible, one of the few I’d consider nigh unwatchable. I actually kind of love this episode for being such great shorthand for "the absolute worst one."

Who signed off on an entire episode centered around Sherlock Holmes meets a bad om/o joke? Give me names and addresses: I just want to talk.

59. Reigny Day (Season 1, episode 6)

And nobody was surprised.

I'll admit I'm more willing to defend this episode than many people, but it's not . . . like, good. It seemed okay when there were only 11 other episodes to compare it to, but now that there have been so many bangers, this comes across as extremely weak. 

And let’s just say the Na/zi jokes hit a lot differently in 2020 than they did in the summer of 2016.

I’m overall happy with the direction the showrunners have moved Dolph’s character in, and I can’t totally blame them for using a kind of humor that was fairly common in the pre-Trump era, but yikes, this has aged like milk. And it wasn’t even very funny at the time, so it aged like milk that was already pretty bad to begin with.

58. Squirrel Camp (Season 4, episode 10)

This is a dumb one.

Not much else to say; it’s just kinda stupid and lame.

57. Fashion Victims (Season 4, episode 13)

I love Sasha, but this is filler. Which isn’t in itself a bad thing -- I have a couple episodes near the top that could reasonably be called filler, and a valid argument could easily be made that “filler episodes” don’t actually exist in a show with no plot -- but as much as I adore the Flower Scouts and enjoy the handful of good moments we get in this episode . . . who cares? Does anyone really give a sh/it about anything that happens here? Does anyone get their life from this one?

I didn’t think so.

56. Foreign Exchange Campers (Season 3, episode 3)

I know, I know, your Russian waifu came from this episode. Why do you think it’s so low on this list?

Okay, for real: this is . . . fine. It’s fine. It’s fine? I’m not mad at it, it just feels tonally incongruous and not very memorable beyond the fact that the fandom got really weird and kinda gross about Vera. But the episode itself? There’s some cute stuff with Neil and Nikki being jealous, but for the most part it’s a big hunk of white bread with some super mild white cheese that’s kinda soggy from sitting in a bag for too long and getting all condensation-y. 

That is to say: it’s fine.

ETA: Space Kid does say “fu/ck.” I can’t decide if that’s a point in the episode’s favor or against it.

This is the last of what I’d call the “bad” episodes. Everything after this ranges from mediocre to mind-blowingly amazing. But whatever our failing tier of Camp Camp episodes is, it stops right about here. 

Onto the good stuff!

55. Night of the Living Ill (Season 2 Halloween episode)

I keep switching this with “Eggs Benefits,” which probably means they should be tied. But whatever, this is my list and I am in charge and I’ve finally decided, after like 5 changes, that I like this one a little bit less.

It’s a fun Romero parody with nothing I’d call bad. Really this one’s only so low on the list because I think it’s kinda icky, and looking at those green snotty faces makes me queasy. If you think this is a bad reason to put it near the bottom of the list, then make your own post.

54. Cameron Campbell Can't Handle the Truth Serum (Season 4, episode 11)

I . . . don’t remember this at all. I initially had it a bit higher because I tend to love things with Campbell in them, but then I realized that nothing about this episode stuck in my brain even a little bit. 

Oh, this is the “Dolph has autism” episode that made everyone either extremely happy or really mad? Okay. I guess that’s the most remarkable thing about it. Neato.

Cam, I love you, but this was just not the best use of your sleazy charm.

53. Eggs Benefits (Season 2, episode 9)

This is one of those episodes with enough cute moments and good ideas to save it from being totally unmemorable, and I mostly enjoy rewatching. Platypus being a mom is a fabulous idea, and pairing the campers the way they did was mostly really interesting and fun.

The Preston-Nurf stuff takes it down several pretty significant notches, though. It’s what the kids would call problematic, and while I normally enjoy how the show doesn’t skew away from darker themes and jokes, it didn’t really fit either of their characters and just . . . isn’t fun to watch. It’s not especially funny, it’s not especially tragic, it’s just uncomfortable.

52. Camp Campbell Wants YOU! (Season 1, episode 0)

Honestly, this would be a lot higher if it was a full-length episode. It’s funny.

The next 5 or so episodes fall under the “cute but not very memorable” umbrella:

51. Nikki's Last Day on Earth (Season 3, episode 4)

I love the ensemble episodes, so this was always going to score higher than any of the single-character “meh” eps. I didn’t see the twist coming, though I know a lot of other fans did. Textbook example of “cute but not very memorable” -- the Platonic ideal of that concept.

50. The Candy Kingpin (Season 3, episode 9)

A clever idea that plays on Max’s worst characteristics and then calls him out for them, while also giving Dolph some much-needed character development. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like it really picks up until the last third of the episode, leaving the rest just kind of sitting there.

49. Campfire Tales (Season 4, episode 13)

Who doesn’t love campfire stories?

That’s all I got. They’re campfire stories.

ETA: OH SH/IT THIS ONE HAS THAT REALLY SCARY STORY! Where David’s all like . . . Slenderman’d. Fu/ck, I didn’t remember that until I was writing out my thoughts for #35 or so. That definitely elevates it, but I’m too tired to try and re-decide where this should go, so just tie it with “New Adventure!”

48. New Adventure! (Season 4, episode 4)

New trio! Focusing on these 3 was a definite risk, and I think it really paid off. While the “plot” itself isn’t anything special, there are a handful of really great side gags (hi, Dirty Kevin!!!!) and it’s fun to see these three interact. They all get some nice character beats. It’s a good time.

47. Something Fishy (Season 3, episode 8)

This might’ve hit me harder if I’d actually seen The Shape of Water, but the send-up works fine without having more than the seen-the-trailer level of understanding. Gwen dresses pretty, which I love; Max sucks, which I also love. What drags this one down is mostly feeling like the surreal aspects of the comedy go a bit too far into the “what the fu/ck am I looking at?” territory without really . . . making an actual joke beyond “look! Wacky!"

Why is David at the opera with a bird? Why??

46. City Survival (Season 3, episode 11)

Literally do not remember a single thing about this episode except David getting mugged and being called a “homeless twi/nk.” That should probably rank it lower on the list, but David being a fluttery mother hen saves it for me -- as does the fact that it leads directly into one of my favorite episodes, and the single best story arc of the series.

Next set of episodes is what I’m going to arbitrarily call “okay! but like the good kind of okay, not the bad kind.”

45. Bonjour Bonquisha (Season 2, episode 7)

Max and Sasha masterminding a scheme is really fun; their dynamic is great (though it won’t be fully realized until Season 4), and heartbroken David is so tragically cute it actually makes my heart explode out of my chest.

Also I can’t resist a good “3 kids in a trench coat” gag.

44. Anti-Social Network (Season 2, episode 2)

Neil is very relatable and I don’t have much else to say about this one. It’s fun to see an episode that more heavily focuses on our nerdy science boy, and Max and Neil teaming up to save Nikki was really charming and sweet and set my Makkiel ship out to sea.

43. A Camp Camp Christmas, or Whatever (Season 2 holiday episode)

Why does this episode have a musical number? It’s not good.

Okay, that was mean. This is fun and cute and Gwen wears a pretty purple sweatshirt and Space Kid gives her a present and it’s really sweet. But that musical number is an instant fast-forward for me, sorry.

42. Preston Goodplay's Good Play (Season 4, episode 7)

We get some Preston character development! Awesome!

It’s done in a really trippy and surreal way that totally fits his character and heightens the drama of the episode! Awesome!

David has an apparently-tragic history of being a French mime! Not a good call! 

Next tier: Some good sh/it! (Tbh, these could all be put in just about any order; they might as well be one massive tie.)

41. Cookin' Cookies (Season 2, episode 11)

I love the Flower Scouts. I love Dirty Kevin. I love the idea of accidentally starting a dru/g empire. Another weird, borderline experimental one focusing on side characters, and I think it works better than “New Adventure!” because the scale of the melodrama is just so over-the-top.

The fact that this is in the bottom 20 but I have nothing but good things to say about it illustrates how dang good this show is. It’s only getting better from here, folks!

40. Romeo & Juliet II: Love Resurrected (Season 1, episode 7)

Preston is a terrible playwright. This makes sense, because he’s like 11, but he’s the kind of hilariously bad I wish I’d been as a preteen, because his play is absolutely bonkers. Max fucking with David is great, Tabii vs. Bonquisha is great, Bonquisha in general is a giant amazonian goddess and I want to be swept up into her giant arms. Neil is . . . a robot, for some reason?

So much fun!

39. Camp Cool Kidz (Season 1, episode 4)

I don’t love Ered’s characterization in this one, but there are a lot of wacky hijinks in this episode that I think make it really enjoyable. Max’s wide-eyed revolutionary naïveté is a fun change from his usual dour pessimism, and Nikki’s loyalty to Ered is both very gay and very charming. Plus we get to learn a bit more about how the camp operates (and fails to operate), and it’s a nice way to better establish the campsite as its own setting.

(Definitely think “Cool” should’ve been spelled with a K though. But whatever, I don’t write for the show.)

38. Scout's Dishonor (Season 1, episode 3)

The birth of Neeancy! The introduction of the Flower and Wood Scouts! Neil saying “cu/nt” -- one of the first and only truly shocking uses of profanity in the entire show! ZUKO!

I don’t know if my fondness for this one is rooted mostly in nostalgia or if it was actually really fun, but I enjoyed the he/ll out of it. Not as highly-rated as some other episodes mostly because it doesn’t really do anything, character or story-wise, but not every episode needs to be a massive game-changer that drowns us in feels. Sometimes it’s enough to have a fun romp, and this is very that.

37. Ered Gets Her Cool Back (Season 3, episode 2)

Awww, Ered. I have a soft spot for her, because I love the archetype of a spoiled bit/ch clearly still figuring out how to be a person and have friends. You really get the sense of her as a teenager trying to sort her shi/t out in this episode, which I would love to see more of. Her interactions with Nerris are top-tier, and I like that it’s a continuation of how her character’s been softening since Season 1 into this kind of big-sister figure.

Also, all the female campers in this show are lesbians. I do not make the rules.

36. Attack of the Nurfs (Season 4, episode 2)

I feel like this is a pretty underrated episode. But then again, I feel like Nurf is a pretty underrated character, so maybe that’s just my own personal bias.

I really enjoyed all the different iterations of Nurf, and I think Blaine did a killer job giving each one its own personality and life. It’s a fun episode that plays hard with cartoon physics (a 3D printer printing people! I love it!) and has a surprisingly moving ending.

At least, that’s what I think. Most other people seem to find this one pretty forgettable. Again: make your own da/mn list. I liked it.

35. Mascot (Season 1, episode 2)

This entire episode is memorable for so many things, but a few of my favorites:

David is established as kind of a di/ck.

Platypus arrives and kicks all the as/s.

Quartermaster is the best.

Nerris, Harrison, and Space Kid all get little moments to show off how cute they are.

Neil and Nikki bonding.

This:

34. Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak (Season 2, episode 3)

I love watching Nerris and Harrison bicker, and Neil and Nikki fit really well into their group. It reminds me of being a kid, and of playing Dungeons & Dragons (as an adult, because I’m so cool), and of summer . . . which is a really good thing for this show. There are a lot of funny one-liners, and it’s just a good dang time.

33. Quartermaster Appreciation Day (Season 2, episode 6)

I don’t think this one is all that well-loved, but I thought it was funny. There are literally zero important plot or character moments, but it made me laugh a lot, and that’s all I need a Camp Camp episode to do. 

I love QM, and the more we learn about him, the more confused and disturbed we end up being. What a fu/cking champion.

32. Arrival of the Torso Takers (Season 3 Halloween episode)

I lowkey hated this one when it came out, because I knew the Daniel stans were going to be exhausting. And they kind of were? But looking back, it’s a great way to reintroduce this motherfu/cker. He’s a lot scarier than he was the last time around -- but also less competent, which is a great way to kick him in the proverbial ba/lls -- and while I wish it had a lot more Gwen in it, it’s a clever and creative Halloween episode. 

31. Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot (Season 3, episode 10)

Charlie . . . Tango . . . Foxtrot . . . CTF . . . OH! Capture the Flag! I never got that before. Oh, that’s neat. I love this show.

Listen, every time the writers decide to take a risk and do something bizarre and creative, I’m going to be here for it at least a little bit. An entire episode told from the POV of the Woodscouts, explaining how hard they failed in all directions? A great gag where everyone in Petrol’s story talks in grunts? The return of Jermy Fartz?! Fantastic. 

30. Panicked Room (Season 4, episode 16)

Listen. I’m a sucker for my trash grandpa; anything Campbell-centric is probably going to be pretty good (except #54), because he’s just one of the most consistently funny and engaging characters. Good times are had whenever this terrible man is on the screen, and giving him a romantic backstory? A tragic romantic backstory full of mistakes and emotional damage?? One where he waited 17 YEARS for the love of his life???

We have no choice but to stan.

29. Party Pooper (Season 4, episode 15)

I’m so predictable. If you put Gwen in something, I will be happy. If you make an entire episode about how Gwen is under-appreciated and overworked and just trying to do her best despite the circumstances, I will dedicate my firstborn child to you.

Anyway, this episode is really sweet, and I liked the unexpected direction the writers took her relationship with her dad. He seems like a nice guy, they seem like they have a nice relationship, and . . . well, an episode about how hard it is to be an adult millennial hit pretty hard. Plus this was just a really pretty episode -- and not just because Gwen was in so much of it! Seriously, that night sky was a thing of beauty.

Also if you say a fuc/king word about Max and that godda/mn dog I will choke you out with your own intestines. Few things are more hilariously, annoyingly ironic than the fact that the entire fandom ignored and failed to appreciate Gwen . . . in the episode all about how everyone ignores and fails to appreciate Gwen.

28. Culture Day (Season 3 holiday episode)

Now, would it be arrogant to point out that I had the idea for a Culture/Heritage Day back in September 2018? Yes, especially since I don’t think the writers ever read fanfiction and it has literally nothing to do with this episode. Will that stop me? He/ll no it will not! I am a creature of ego! Read my stuff! 

Anyway, this is a really fun look at Neil’s background, personality, and relationships. Max looking out for him is just . . . oh my god, I cannot, I’ve written like 30 of these and my brain is starting to melt, but these two are so cute. I love arrogant Neil, and I love protective Max, and I love QM and Gwen fuc/king over the Flower Scouts to save the day. Everything about this episode is lovely.

27. Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper (Season 3, episode 7)

This should not be ranked so high (even if these are all essentially tied). This is a dumb episode based on a really, really dumb premise. 

But . . . I don’t know what to tell you. “Samboy Kidwell,” Max realizing he and Campbell are disturbingly similar and not liking what his future could look like, David’s “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” face . . . this episode happens to hit all of my favorite things. It had a really good balance of heavy-handed moralizing and goofs, it was part of the most graceful lead-up into a finale the show has ever had, and I’m just all about it. 

Excellent job, Samboy. Count Olaf would be proud of your disguise.

There ends the “some good sh/it” tier. We’re starting to get into the really excellent stuff now!

26. Parents' Day (Season 2, episode 12)

I know. You want this to be higher. I hear you.

Honestly I’m kind of shocked it’s this high; it’s my least favorite of the season finales so far, and I had to push past a lot of prejudice to actually rank this where I think it deserves to be, as opposed to somewhere in the like mid-40s. Mostly because it gave fuel to the raging inferno of “Max has terrible parents and David should adopt him” headcanons, which I’ve detailed my problems with extensively in the past (in a post that, statistically speaking, none of you have read).

But, trying to be objective: is this episode actually any good?

Well . . . yeah, it really is.

So much work was put into giving each of the campers families that make sense with their characters and bounce absurdly well off of them, ranging from wholesome and adorable (Nerris’s family) to quietly tragic (Harrison’s parents), and they’re all designed so well; they’re fun to look at and fun to watch interact with the kids and each other. (The only exception is Dolph’s dad, who is both kinda lame and misattributes the cause of the weird Na/zi thing because it did not come from Germany, I assure you. But things with Dolph are always a little off, and I don’t really know how you would give him a backstory that actually works with the character, so they were caught between a rock and a hard place there.)

The drama of David having to choose between the man he considers his father and the camp he considers his home is really touching, and him and Gwen choosing to take a sad camper out to get pizza instead of covering for their boss’s a/ss is such a beautiful moment for both of them that I can’t really blame the fandom for losing their mind over it. Campbell’s arrest leading into the arcs of the next two seasons was great as well, and the finale left us all with this weird sense of foreboding because we didn’t know what was going to happen next; it was the only finale that actually ended on something close to a cliffhanger, while still being satisfying enough to keep us all from melting down.

Plus, it’s funny. Carl and Candy are really funny and the idea of Neil and Nikki’s parents boning is funny in a horrible way. The joke about Quartersister is funny. It’s a good episode.

Should this be higher? Maybe, but I can’t bring myself to put it above the rest of these episodes. Again: make your own list.

25. Mind Freakers (Season 1, episode 10)

The episode that launched a thousand ships. Assuming those ships are all Harrison/Neil, anyway.

It’s hard to talk about these Season 1 episodes because they feel so classic. Like, what is there to say? You’ve all seen it a couple dozen times; I’ve seen it a couple dozen times. Harrison is a di/ck, Neil is possibly an even bigger di/ck, and magic may or may not be real. (Though spoilers for literally every season: yes, magic is definitely real.) It’s so much fun watching these two smug as/sholes snipe at each other in an almost literal playground hair-pulling way that could very easily be read as flirtation. 

And the fandom did most certainly read it that way, at least for a little while.

24. Gwen Gets a Job (Season 2, episode 8)

It’s Gwen. What, was I supposed to not put it this high?

This was the first Gwen-centric episode, and it absolutely slaps. She’s pushed to the breaking point and responds by being a cold-hearted BAMF, and it got her some pretty significant hate from fans but I don’t give a fu/ck, I loved it. We got to see her all dolled up, and then we got to see her all disheveled, and both of those looks were gorgeous. David gives her a tiny fragment of the love and validation she deserves (I don’t know if this is when gwenvid started taking off -- I think it wasn’t really until “Parents’ Day,” or even Season 3 -- but I ate that s/hit up).

Also, again: job hunting post-2008. It’s a bad time, y’all. Camp Camp gets it.

23. Follow the Leader (Season 4, episode 6)

Yeah, I was kind of surprised at how high this landed, too. I guess I’m just a sucker for unlikely companionships, and these three have a great chemistry. The combination of competitiveness, sass, and reluctant admiration make their interactions a lot of fun. Their motivation of doing petty errands for Campbell for the sake of getting at the Box of Illegal Contraband is a great framework too, with high enough stakes to justify all sorts of wacky shenanigans without causing actual anxiety.

I want to see these characters forced to spend more time together. Please, RT, make that happen.

22. Escape from Camp Campbell (Season 1, episode 1)

In terms of numbers, this feels so low, but considering everything from about #45 on is ranked as at least decent, this is actually a pretty high rating. There are 21 episodes I’d call better than this, but these decisions were all pretty painful.

This introduces us to everyone! The main trio, the counselors, Mr. Campbell; we get a snapshot of the major personalities running around the camp, the major points of conflict (Max vs. David, primarily), the major building blocks of future episodes, setting, and relationships . . . 

Again, I don’t know how much of my love for this episode is nostalgia -- there’s a lot of squeeing at familiar faces and gags; this is the first time David gets hit by a bus!!! -- but it was a fun and funny introduction to a series that’s ended up being so important to me, and I’m so grateful this wonderful, quirky little show with its wonderful and quirky little premiere. 

Of all the episodes, I really can’t look at this one objectively. It’s too important.

21. The Fun-Raiser (Season 3, episode 1)

David and Gwen scheming is my ki/nk. They very rarely scheme together, but every single time their teamwork makes the dream work (or, more frequently, makes the dream fail horribly and have disastrous consequences) my soul flies out of my body and takes to the stars, where I write another 500 first chapters to gwenvid fanfics I’ll probably never finish.

This is a great follow-up to “Parents’ Day,” where we immediately see the consequences of the previous season finale and what happens when the one adult in the camp disappears. Mr. Campbell was a terrible adult, true, but at least he was smart enough not to steal QM’s hook. Like . . . whose plan was this? It was so bad. These two are hilariously incompetent sometimes -- often when their bad ideas are feeding off of each other, actually, a la this and “Space Camp Was a Hoax” -- and watching them frantically try and keep all their balls in the air is so great. 

The ending is satisfying, too; a bit graphic, in keeping with a show that tends to keep the violence limited to periodic spurts of bloodshed 1-2 times a season and mostly pretty mild the rest of the time, but between Max stepping up and fixing everything while still being his shi/tty self to our dear dumba/ss counselors getting their dumb as/ses handed to them (deservedly so, if we’re being honest) . . . it’s such a great note to begin a new season on.

20. Journey to Spooky Island (Season 1, episode 5)

A classic.

We get to meet our spooky boy Jasper, we get to watch the comedy trio play off each other and continue to sketch out the general contours of their friendship, and we get to see the Quartermaster with a big purple dil/do for a hand. What’s not to love?

19. The Butterfinger Effect (Season 4, episode 17)

CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES! GET YOUR CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES HERE!

I’ve already gone into some pretty intense detail about why I think this one is actually really good and carries the theme of embracing change that everything about Season 4 was centered around, but none of y’all read that so here it is in short: this episode is super funny, almost all of the campers’ transformations work really well as extensions of their characters while still being strange and surprising, and the fact that Nurf creates all of these problems by trying to solve them is deliciously fun to watch in a karmic sort of way.

Or maybe it’s just because any Nurf-centric episode is going to rank pretty highly for me. That is also possible.

18. Space Camp Was a Hoax (Season 2, episode 10)

Our camp counselors being bad people: it’s my drug of choice.

We get Space Kid tripping balls in what might be one of the funniest sequences in the show, the entire camp coming together to try and pull off the stupidest, most impossible task (and kinda maybe almost nailing it???), and once again the fun of watching Gwen and David scramble to keep from getting caught in their boss’s shit/ty lies is so great. And Lindsay’s voice acting is absolutely killer, even more so than usual. 

17. Jermy Fartz (Season 2, episode 4)

I get the sense this might be a somewhat controversial one. 

I’ve written before about why I think this episode is a lot of fun, but it mostly boils down to two things: watching the campers try (and fail) to be nice to the most bully-able person on the entire planet, and the essential likeableness of Jermy. 

No, really.

I think a lot of people were put off by Jermy’s general grossness, because . . . my god is he disgusting, but he’s also polite and good-natured, and seems totally self aware of how difficult he is to be around, without letting it make him depressed. He’s cheerful in a weirdly downbeat way that’s impossible to understand until you see him in action. He’s so matter-of-fact about his own awfulness in a way that I found entirely endearing. I don’t think I’d want him at my camp, either, but get that kid to a good dermatologist and gastroenterologist, teach him some basic hygiene and social skills, and you’ll have quite a little gentleman there.

I do however find it hilarious that apparently David got the type of tree wrong when making fun of Jermy. Not only is that a great moment for reveling in David being an as/shole, but he didn’t even have the right wood. F/ucking idiot. I love him so much.

These last ones are my favorites! (Well, duh, that’s how this whole ranking thing works.) Maybe not perfect, but just really good and with limitless rewatch value.

16. St. Campbell's Day (Season 4 holiday episode)

They Grinch’d Camp Camp. Those brilliant bast/ards, they really pulled it off.

Ignoring the fact that David is truly frightening-looking for most of the episode, this is a great bookend to Season 4, following up on the theme established in the first episode about how David is a flawed and selfish human being despite trying his best not to be.

This is another one I was surprised to find so high on the list, but the more I thought about it the more I realizes how good it is. David being a jerk is always one of my favorite storylines, and the fact that the trouble comes from him trusting Mr. Campbell too little instead of too much is a nice twist on the usual formula. Gwen coming to help him out despite a blistering hangover gave me aggressive shipping feels, yes, obviously. 

Between a lot of really funny little gags like QM’s failed satanic ritual and the genuinely touching moral about the importance of spending time with the people you love, it’s just a really lovely episode that gets just the right amount of maudlin for the holiday season. 

15. Jasper Dies at the End (Season 2, episode 5)

I kept switching this and “Dial M for Jasper”; it was a really difficult decision to make, figuring out where these two belonged. I think in the end, while the John Dies at the End reference was very, very good, this one loses me a little bit by being told from David’s perspective. Now, normally the more David is in an episode the more I’ll be likely to love it (see my #1 for proof of that), but his blinders when it comes to the camp and Mr. Campbell result in a really funny story, but one without the same emotional heft as hearing about what happened from Jasper’s point of view.

That doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for what it needs to be: each Jasper episode builds on the previous ones, and having the same intensity of “Dial M for Jasper,” where we learn how he died and how his relationship with David fell apart, would be weird and heavy at this point. In Season 1 we just found out he’s a ghost (and eagle-eyed viewers realized he’d been a camper with David); in Season 2 we find out how David views their friendship and time at camp; and in Season 3 we get Jasper’s perspective. It’s an absolutely wonderful raising of the stakes (for lack of a better term), but the one that packs more of an emotional punch is going to rank a bit higher than the one that’s mostly just for laughs.

That being said: there are plenty of laughs in this one. Everyone -- Griffin, Miles, Travis, the animators -- nailed this one, and it gets funnier every time I watch it.

14. Camporee (Season 1, episode 11)

AKA the episode where Forest realized she was in love with Gwen. 

What a great idea for an episode, seriously. Every coming-of-age story has a talent show or a competition or a big game -- something where the kiddos can show off their improved skills and teamwork to beat their bullies or whatever. And this show has both kinds of bullies: the popular girly girls and the violent muscleheads. What a great moment to pull everyone together and show how friendship can help us accomplish anything!

Except . . . of course that’s not what happens. Of course they’re absolute garbage, and of course teamwork isn’t the answer. Gwen is the perfect foil for David here, being the anti-teamwork, anti-Camp-Campbell adult who can perfectly and effortlessly undermine David’s relentless optimism. David wants so badly for his campers to live in the same coming-of-age summer movie he did as a child, and their staunch refusal to do that leads to a really heartbreaking closer to the episode, as well as lead into the next one. Everything about this, from the challenges to the setup to Gwen shouting “we are winning this FUC/KING trophy!” is just gold.

13. David Gets Hard (Season 1, episode 9)

We have David. We have Nurf. We have Gwen. We have Max trying to be helpful in the shi/ttiest way possible.

We have all the makings of a da/mn good episode. And they deliver. Not a very emotionally intense or moving one, but so, so funny.

12. Dial M for Jasper (Season 3, episode 5)

This isn’t the fate any of us expected for Jasper, and it’s not the fate of a lot of people wanted. But godda/mn it, it worked. The constant bait-and-switch the episode keeps playing with, where you keep waiting for something really dramatic and tragic to happen . . . and then the reality is that Jasper died because Mr. Campbell was stupid and careless, and it was all just a horribly sad accident.

It’s anticlimactic, but in a way that suits the series, both as a comedic counterpoint to all the hype throughout the episode and as a way to establish that Cameron Campbell is a bad man first and foremost through selfishness and laziness, not Daniel-esque sinister evil. Jasper’s death was totally avoidable and totally Campbell’s fault, and while that’s sad, it also adds a weird sort of lightness to the episode. David didn’t do something terrible to kill his best friend, Jasper didn’t kill himself, and without having actively chosen to murder a child (well, not this time), the door remains open for fans accepting Campbell’s later pseudo-redemption. It was just an accident, and Jasper was “haunting” David to tell him that he was sorry for how their friendship ended. That’s really sweet, actually.

I think it’s the best way this reveal could’ve gone, and I’m so impressed with how they pulled it all off.

11. Into Town (Season 1, episode 8)

This might actually be the only flawless episode in the entire show. I mean, I call a lot of them flawless, and I mean that on an emotional level -- “I love this so much I cannot see anything wrong with it” -- but this one is a masterpiece of storytelling. All the technical jumbo I’m bad at, like planting and payoff and tension and all of that, is just perfect.

I feel like this is the kind of claim that needs to be backed up with a long-as/s essay full of citations and video clips and references to, like, Joseph Campbell or something, but this is my 49th entry in the list so I am not going to be doing that. Besides, I don’t think my English degree qualifies me to critique film/animation; I don’t even entirely know half the terms I’ve used to compliment this episode. Someone else please explain why this is such a good one.

10. The Quarter-Moon Convergence (Season 4, episode 5)

I’ve mentioned in other entries that the weird, surreal humor sometimes doesn’t work; it feels too much like being odd for its own sake, and sometimes gets so distracted in being surreal that it forgets to include anything funny or meaningful. 

This . . . is not one of those.

Putting Harrison and QM together is a stroke of genius; the two of them are literally the most magical beings in the entire show, and using them as the conveyance for this great Lovecraftian horror-comedy was such a good idea. I don’t know if we’ll ever see these two interact in another episode -- honestly, this felt a bit like lightning in a bottle, and I have a hard time imagining what could possibly bring them together again -- but if this is the only episode we get, it is such a fantastic one.

Harrison makes a really good everyman, despite his powers; he’s just the right amount of confident and insecure to pull off that wide-eyed apprentice to QM’s grizzled wise mentor. (The fact that QM is objectively a terrible mentor is beside the point.) I still don’t entirely know what the two of them accomplished, but it feels baffling and momentous, with the perfect amount of gravity to make things extremely tense all the way through to the end.

Also, I guess God is an octopus? That’s kinda cool. I like octopuses.

9. Camp Corp. (Season 3, episode 12)

Another unpopular opinion? Oh ho ho, I am so contrary! I am Not Like Other Fans! I am the Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, refusing to have the same opinions of all you prepz.

I know this wasn’t the most well-loved episode, but I think it did a really great job tying together story threads woven throughout Season 3: Max’s selfishness leading to him hurting other people, his growing realization that he cares about his friends and the camp itself, the parallels between him and Mr. Campbell (and the fact that they both get this redemption moment in the finale). 

This is the most Max-centric season, focusing on his flaws and character growth, and they pulled it off in a really organic way that felt faithful to his character, touching without being too maudlin. The fact that his feelings about the camp are echoed in Gwen, Neil and Nikki, the other campers, and even Mr. Campbell drives home how important the camp -- and David -- are to this strange little family. 

Each season, Max reluctantly becomes a better person, without changing the fundamental core of who he is. That’s a really hard putt for the writers and Michael, and I’m blown away every finale by how they so consistently nail it.

8. Time Crapsules (Season 4, episode 18)

Gwen-centric? Check.

Max learning how to be a better person while still being the bratty kid we know and love? Check.

Looks at one of the most under-appreciated character dynamics in the entire show (i.e., Max and Gwen)? Checkity check-check-check.

I don’t really have much to say about this one, which I should: it was considered a pretty serious letdown to a lot of fans, and I’m not sure how to explain why I loved it so much. 

Comparing Max from “The Order of the Sparrow” to Max from this episode is wild. It’s not like 2 different characters: they’re still very obviously the same cynical, self-absorbed 10-year-old trying to survive summer camp. But he’s become a more considerate friend and decent version of that kid, and it’s great to watch. The moment where he and Gwen go too far and immediately regret snapping at each other is still painful (on my god, the VAs in this show, they’re so talented), Nikki and Neil both get nice subplots about how they’re also growing up, and the ending is fuc/king hilarious, perfectly breaking the tension from Campbell’s speech, which is both beautifully done and important to hear, especially if you’re in a period of uncomfortable transition (like, say, in your late 20s, or living through about 5 different national and global catastrophes).

And okay, I found that speech on the wiki for this episode and it made me deeply emotional, so here:

Here's the thing: you've got to take your failures and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell for instance: a lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the camp realized that the camp would never reach the end of its path until it was ready or until it gave up. So, if the camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.

If this is the last episode of Camp Camp we ever get -- and for at least a little while, it looks like it’s going to be -- I can’t think of a sweeter, funnier, and more lovely bittersweet note for this show to go out on.

7. The Lake Lilac Summer Social (Season 3, episode 6)

And again: No one was surprised. 

This is the longest non-finale episode of the show, and it uses that time perfectly. Rather than having some big emotional moments and character arcs -- which are great, don’t get me wrong -- the writers use the extended time to build a series of shenanigans as complicated as Gwen’s matchmaking web, and watching her try to set up a series of dominos (with David, for once, being the responsible, level-headed one) is almost as satisfying as the catastrophic results. 

Neil and Snake steal this episode, even from someone as in love with Gwen as I am, and for an episode that’s largely about making fun of shippers, there hasn’t been one that launched nearly as many ships as this. Neil/Snake? Tabii/Erin? Max/Nikki? GWENVID?! It’s all here, and I am here for it.

It was also fun to get a traditional episode setup in a very non-traditional show. I assume this means the beach and/or hot springs episode is forthcoming. (No, Pis/s Lake doesn’t count. Obviously it doesn’t count.)

6. Keep the Change (Season 4, episode 1)

Again, this is an episode I’ve said a lot about in the past -- and I was pretty uncharitable toward Season 3, which in retrospect was very unse/xy of me -- but I stand by a lot of my opinions then: this is a fu/cking great episode.

David is an as/shole, Max is an as/shole, Campbell is an as/shole. No one escapes the as/sholery. David schemes, Max catches him in the scheme, Campbell gets drunk and kind of gay . . . I’m 54 entries into this list and I don’t have much to say anymore: it’s just really good and fun and I love it.

5. Camp Loser Says What? (Season 4, episode 9)

This is another one I kind of hated when it came out, and again for fandom-related and personal-grudge reasons.

Fu/cking Daniel. That motherfu/cker. He shows up for 12 minutes and Tumblr bursts into flames. Every single time.

However, it’s really hard not to love this one. Daniel-as-Trump is a clever but subtle -- I mean, for this show’s definition of subtle -- allegory, and it’s amazing how much this slimy freak and the Woodscouts slot into it. David is a bise/xual disaster with the absolute worst taste in men, Dirty Kevin and Daniel are onscreen together for all of 2.5 seconds and the kevdan shippers lost their minds, and Xemug looks like Megamind for some weird reason.

My only minor complaint is that the ending is a bit anticlimactic, but it plays on Daniel’s stupidity and the value of teamwork, so it’s a very small nitpick in an episode that mostly works like gangbusters.

4. Cult Camp (Season 2, episode 1)

Duh. There’s a really good song and we’re introduced to a charismatic, sinister, and totally dumba/ss villain. What’s not to like?

I don’t think I even need to say anything about this episode. Season 2 started off the summer by throwing a lit firecracker directly at the viewer’s face, and ignoring the fact that we as a fandom proceeded to eat each other, it’s impossible not to get caught up in the episode’s wild energy.

And dude, that song. Fabulous. Fu/ck Daniel, but thank god he’s around to be such a prickly little pri/ck.

Now for the top 3: Literally perfect, wouldn’t change a single solitary thing.

3. After Hours (Season 4, episode 8)

I’m not sure anyone loved this episode as much as me. But this is my list, and I will put this up at the top if I want to and you cannot stop me.

It’s much easier in a lot of ways to talk about the episodes I hated than the ones I love this much. What do I say besides “literally everything about this fills me with joy and my life is better because it exists”? I don’t know. The counselors are my favorite characters, and between Gwen and QM having the weirdest bonding experience, Gwen getting to meet up with people who care about her silly fanfiction, Mr. Campbell being the trash grandpa of my dreams, David getting in way over his head . . . it’s the episode I always wanted, and they made it work so well.

Also, I just discovered that “Gwen Isn’t Your Mother So Stop Asking Her to Rinse Your Dishes” is an actual song and I am overwhelmed with delight. Here, I’m embedding it as well as linking because it’s so good:

God. This show. What the fu/ck even is up with this amazing, weird-as/s show.

2. The Order of the Sparrow (Season 1, episode 12)

Duh.

The entire first season is a great time (except “Reigny Day”), but it’s a pretty low-stakes kind of great time. There isn’t much in terms of emotional depth until the very end of “Camporee,” despite some hints at darker themes in one-off jokes and quick asides, so this episode comes a bit out of left field, tonally speaking.

But that’s not a bug, it’s a feature; if the show had been this overtly emotional from the outset, this finale wouldn’t hit as hard, and the rest of the season wouldn’t be as funny. 

This manages to serve as a capstone to the conflict of the first season, building on episodes like “Into Town” and “Escape from Camp Campbell” in a way that feels totally natural for both David and Max’s characters while revealing new sides of them. It works because it’s so unexpected, but it doesn’t come across as incongruous with their personalities. It’s the first and only time David swears in all 4 seasons, and that line -- I don’t even need to say it, you know exactly what I’m talking about -- still gives me chills.

Also, Gwen sings the camp theme song. Impossible not to cherish.

1. The Forest (Season 4, episode 12)

I’m not sure if this one is a surprise or not. It might be the obvious first place, or it might be a bit of an oddball for some people.

I had a really hard time choosing between this and “The Order of the Sparrow”; I switched their places half a dozen times, and the difference in quality between the two is razor-thin. I think part of that is because it accomplishes a lot of what “Order of the Sparrow” does: puts David in a situation where he’s pushed to his absolute emotional and physical capacity, crushes every shred of hope he has left, and sees what he’s actually made of when you strip everything away. It’s much more dramatic this time around, but it’s the same basic concept.

And just like in the Season 1 finale, what we see is a man who’s determined to do good even when he isn’t rewarded for it, even when he’s actively punished for it. Who wants to love nature, and life, and make the world a better place -- despite his faults, his selfishness and thoughtlessness and anger, David proves that he is fundamentally kind. He’s not nearly as deludedly optimistic as he seems; he just refuses to stop trying.

Because somebody fuc/king has to.

I’ll admit, some of what puts this one in first place is that I’m a sucker for whump, and David really goes through the ringer. However, I also think it’s important to acknowledge the risk Joe Nicolosi took with writing this episode: it’s all centered around a single character, it’s darker and more viscerally bloody than any other episode in the show’s history, the art is focused on these grand sweeping backgrounds that must’ve taken forever to paint, and there’s very little talking in a show that runs 99% on clever dialogue. This could have so easily backfired -- and for some fans it did -- but it was brave and beautiful and breathtaking.

I’ve actually only watched this in full once. It’s really hard to get through; it’s just so intense and even disturbing. But if there’s one episode I'll remember for the rest of my life, even when I’m 80 years old and haven’t seen the show in years, it’ll be “The Forest.”

It’s funny how such a sharp departure from the format and style of the rest of the show somehow manages to perfectly capture the heart of it. Talk about a fuc/king achievement.

So what have we learned?

I don’t entirely know what the purpose of this whole exercise was. I think it was mostly to get myself a nice Camp Camp fix that came from something other than slogging through 20 different fanfic WIPs, and to remind myself of what a strange and fun ride the last 4 summers have been. 

I also wanted to take a moment to acknowledge what Camp Camp means to me. This show has been hugely important to me on a personal level: I met two of my best friends through this fandom, and I’ve never been more connected to a community or readers than I have with CC. I know I bi/tch about this fandom a lot, but it’s a big extended internet family, and I’m so happy to be a part of it. Going through all these episodes, getting the chance to ramble about the things I liked and the things I didn’t, was a great way to reconnect with a series and community that I love.

So . . . what have we learned?

1. Season 4 was all over the place.

Some of this has to be due to the sheer volume of episodes, but when I sat down and organized everything into tiers:

There isn’t a single category Season 4 doesn’t have at least one episode in. I was surprised to see how high a lot of them ended up; it really was the best and worst of the show so far.

For the fun of it, I decided to give a number to each placement -- 60 points for the #1 episode, 59 for #2, etc. -- and see how each season broke down. Because that’s that kind of thing I think is worthwhile, apparently. And . . .

2. Seasons 1 and 4 are really good, actually.

Well, I don’t think anyone’s surprised to see how well Season 1 stacked up; it was amazing. But I was surprised to see how much I ended up enjoying Seasons 3 and 4, when if you’d asked me before this little project, I would’ve said they were the most underwhelming. Maybe I messed up the numbers a bit -- I’m no mathmagician -- but not only are they all really close, but Season 4 was one of my favorites.

3. This entire show is really good, actually.

One thing that really struck me when I put it all together visually is how most of the episodes sit in the “good,” “really good,” or “amazing” categories. The amount of episodes that are memorable, fun, and/or emotionally resonant is crazy. I don’t now how many other tiny cult-hit web series can say the same, honestly, and all of the writers, animators, directors/producers/other people whose jobs I don’t really understand, and voice actors should be commended for their outstanding talent and hard work.

4. Thank you, Camp Camp.

It was a real pleasure to relive all of these episodes again and think about what they meant to me. It won’t be the last time I sit down and watch this show -- and it certainly won’t be the end of my being a shrieking fangirl over it -- but with this break, where we have to get through a blazing, extremely difficult summer without a new season to fawn over, it’s nice to stop and appreciate what a precious gem of a show this is.

I hope everyone involved with Rooster Teeth is taking a much-deserved rest and prioritizing their health and well-being. Thank you for creating something truly special, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

[captainjimothycarter]

Autistic Fitz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVED your headcanon with autistic Fitz and Alistar and realizing nothing is wronnnnng! Write it plz

This is my first time writing FitzSimmons or Autistic Fitz in general.

--

“Stop that!” Alistair Fitz hissed in his young son’s ear, jerking his hand away from his face. “We are in public. You do not touch your face in your public. Or twist your fingers. Did the tutors teach you nothing?” 

 Fitz flinched as his fingers were jerked apart, biting back the whimper. Instinctively, he scooted closer to his mother, trying to put as much distance between him and Alistair as possible. His tutors did teach him plenty. They taught him science and math and English - his father knew this. Had given the disgruntled, confirmed grunt at his excellent grades - so why did he question it? 

 And why did his father get so upset when he kept touching his face or twisting his fingers? It calmed him down when they were in public. The public eye cared nothing for him or his mother, all they saw were his father and the outstanding job he did in his line of work or gave so much money away. They saw nothing behind the public and how he treated his son and insisted he was a failure despite getting excellent grades in school.

 “There’s something wrong with the boy,” Alistair whispered to his wife later that evening, when they thought Fitz was asleep in his mother’s lap. “There just isn’t something right with him. He has no friends his age despite being top of his class. His room has to be in a certain order. He freaked on the maid for touching his science fits. There’s something wrong with him and it needs to be fixed.”

 If his mother had a response, Fitz didn’t hear it. His ears were roaring and his head was starting to ache after an intense evening of having to be around countless faces he couldn’t remember. All the touching and screaming, and laughter, built up to a bubble in his chest and he could feel it bursting.

 “There’s nothing wrong with me!” Fitz found himself saying, still unable to meet his own father in the eyes. It was a battle too and Alistair could always count on his son dropping his gaze the second he met it.

 “Oh no, boy, there’s plenty wrong with you!” Alistair snapped, stepping forward. “You’re an idiot. You can’t do anything right! Other kids your age go out, have friends! Instead, you’re cuddled in your mother’s lap like you’re a lap dog. You-you-you-”

 Fitz didn’t feel the slap, but he heard it. He saw it coming, the hand striking him hard across the cheek. He could feel his tears running down his face as his father stalked out of the room, the door slamming as his mother rushed over to tend to him. He didn’t feel it, not until days later, where he stood in front of someone from a SHIELD academy. His cheeks were blotchy and red, the collar of his shirt was done up too far on his father’s insistence. 

 Everything felt wrong and itchy.

 The too cold smell, that icy bite to the air coming from the air conditioner, and the loud, metallic whirling did not help. He could barely stop himself from flinching every time it clicked on and off in this too-silent office.

 He’d been called into the dean’s office, the dean was immediately dismissed outside by the woman. She said her name Maria Hill. He could remember that much.

 “Are you okay?” Hill asked in a soft tone. Fitz still flinched at it, gripping the arms of the chair, his nails biting into the pleather padding. She followed his eyes to the air conditioner and gave a small nod. “Is it too loud?” 

 Fitz didn’t answer but he felt his body visually sag with relief as she walked across the too-posh, too cluttered office to turn it off. As she sat back in front of her, he felt his fingers starting to twitch again. He sat on them to get himself to stop touching them together. 

 His father would know about it.

 “Am I in trouble?” Fitz suddenly blurted out. Did his father do it - did he sent this Hill from SHIELD to correct him? To fix him? “You’re not going to in-inject me with drugs to fix my brain, are you? Because there’s nothing wrong with me.”

 Hill sat back, her fingers tapping on the table. “Your brain is why I’m here, Leopold.” She watched as he flinched at the name.

 “Fitz. Call me Fitz. Why...my brain? So I’m not in trouble?”

 The woman smiled and something about that smile made him relax. Maybe because it reminded him of his mother and the smile she wore when she insisted everything was going to be okay.

 “Fitz, then. Why don’t we go for a walk, hm? We can get out of this cramped office and into the sun. And out of noisy people’s business, isn’t that right Paul?” 

 Fitz turned around in his seat, watching as the dean to the school sheepishly walked inside his office, avoiding Fitz’s gaze.

  There was no point in telling his father. He already knew it wouldn’t be good enough. Getting into SHIELD Academy wasn’t good enough. He was never good enough. Alistair didn’t even see him off. He wasn’t there. He pretended Fitz didn’t exist and somehow that hurt more than one of the too many slaps that still rung in his ears on bad days. His mother on the other hand couldn’t be prouder.

 She asked all the right questions but there was one he could never avoid. “Are you making friends?”

 He said he was happy, he was learning, he was eating, and working, why did it matter if he had friends? Did he want friends - of course, he did. Fitz knew he was shy, a loner, he never seemed to laugh at the right moment. He always chose the wrong thing to say, always did the wrong thing, maybe a bit too late or too soon. He never got the social cues right. 

 He was a loner and part of him had made his peace with it. 

 He always replies, “Yeah, mom, trying.” He’d find an excuse to hand up shortly after that.

 In truth, he was trying. Or, well, he tried. He buried himself into his work. He wanted the top grades, to please his father, to please his teachers, to just have someone proud of him. Then he was paired with her. In not one but several of his classes. A latecomer but a promiser to be the best of the best - Jemma Simmons.

 There was a silent competition between them, to one-up one another. To do more than the other. To do better. To get that extra smile from the teacher or a promising note left on some paper or test. To do more.

 He didn’t hate her - he couldn’t hate her. There was some part of her that refused to allow it. He wanted to impress her, to get her to like him. To think of something smart to say. To think of something to make her laugh. To get her to smile at him like that, not their teacher but it somehow bloomed into this competition and Fitz couldn’t let it down. If he stopped, then she stopped, and in some way by them doing this, it felt like they were together. 

 At least to him.

 Then it happened.

 They were paired together, for an official grade, on a project he couldn’t wiggle his way out of. Working with other people was hard, impossibly hard. He liked to work alone, by himself. He couldn’t count on others to understand him, to depend on his grade. Working alone was better because if he failed, he had no one to blame but himself.

 And if they failed, he couldn’t blame Jemma. Not even if he wanted to.

 She was supposed to come to his dorm, 8 o’clock sharp. It’s what they agreed on. He even tidied it up, more than normal, setting clothes in his hamper, stashing that in the closet, Cleaned up his desk, and made sure everything was in order.

 8 o’clock came and passed. She wasn’t there. Then his phone rang and of all people to call him, to see that name flash on his screen.

 Alistair 

 Fitz felt his heart sink. He knew if he didn’t answer, there would be hell to pay. Even if the man wasn’t physically here, he would make him pay.

 Swallowing, Fitz answered. “H-hello.”

 “What’s this your mother is talking about? Wiring you money.”

 Of course, it was always money. Always about money.

 “I-I needed it. For a-a project. For...for essentials. It came from my account.”

 He was picking at his thumb again, chewing on the end. He could feel his head starting to ache, his heart racing. 

 “No, boy, it came from my account. That account is mine, regardless if you have a name in it or not. You do not get a say and do not touch this money until you’re eighteen and that’s even if I want you to have it!”

 The yelling started and Fitz flinched, holding the phone away from his ear. He could feel his heart racing, feel his hands trembling. What could he do to make this right?

 He couldn’t tell his father the truth - he couldn’t tell him how Hill, his unofficial guide into SHIELD academy (when she wasn’t busy with Fury and doing SHIELD things), mentioned off-hand about testing.

 Autism testing. 

 He could be autistic and the more he looked into it, the more he understood it, the more he agreed. His father would never. It’s why he took the money, to make sure that he had enough to pay for it if SHIELD refused to do it. He hadn’t asked Hill yet.

 “What is all that yelling?” A voice breathed from the open doorway. Jemma stood there, a steaming bag of food in hand, holding her bag in the other.

 Her eyes widened at the sight of Fitz, the pale face, the soft humming he made, and how his hands trembled around the phone. His free hand trembles as he places it to his head, touching his hair. Hair touching meant he was safe.

 Jemma stood in front of him, holding her hand out for the phone. When Fitz didn’t give it, she gently took it. “Alistair Fitz?” She asked calmly. “You are no longer allowed to speak to your son until you can do so in a calm manner that isn’t causing him to have a breakdown.” She flinched at whatever he said on the end - Fitz could only guess. “No, sir, I-”

 She huffed as the phone went black and gently placed it on the table. Slowly she knelt in front of him and cupped his cheek, he flinched back from the touch and she let go. “You’re not okay,” she breathed. “Can I touch you? Or do you not like touch? What can I do?”

 It was too many questions and maybe it was his father’s words or the fact Jemma - someone he’s crushed on for weeks - was before him and had heard Alistair. He felt the sob rise in his throat. His hands pressed hard into his temple, feeling her hands slowly wrap around them. They were gentle, cool. He liked the touch.

 Her touch was safe.

 She wouldn’t hurt him.

 “Does he hurt you?” She asked after a good hour of them hugging on the bed. A better part of that hour was him curled up on his side and she was rubbing his back, not questioning, not arguing. Not belittling him. Calming him down.

 Fitz just made a noise, swallowing it and jerking his head. “Y-yes. Sometimes. When he’s angry, very angry. Slapped me before I left for...for...taking my laptop with me.”

 She made a disgusted noise but instantly stopped. “I’m sorry, Fitz. I am so sorry. You’re safe here.”

 Yeah, he was. He truly was.

  It was two weeks after his breakdown, in the middle of their few hours between classes did the autism test come up. The pair were inseparable, laying out in the sun. Jemma was pointing out what stars laid out in the sky, despite it being bright and sunny. He could listen to her talk about anything.

 A shadow fell across them and Fitz instantly sat up, his tie hitting him in the face. Agent Hill stood in front of them, a file in her hand. Her smile was familiar when she looked down at them. “I see you met Jemma Simmons. Miss Simmons, it’s good to see you again. No cloning, I take it?”

 Jemma’s face flushed a bright pink and laughed. “No, ma’am, no cloning. Is everything okay?”

 “Oh, yes, I wanted to speak to Fitz. Alone, if you’re okay with that, Fitz?”

 Fiz felt his head jerk from Jemma to Hill. “She can stay. Why are you here? Are we in trouble?”

 Jemma’s hand found his and gave a light squeeze as Agent Hill sat down directly across from them. “Well,” Hill began, setting the file in Fitz’s lap. “I know we spoke earlier about getting you tested for autism and I spoke to a few people. We can do it. It’s all up to you - no parent signature required.”

 Relief and fear washed over Fitz at the same time as he stared down at the file, just a simple manilla folder. It bore his name and inside he knew the documents for the testing. He turned his head to look at Jemma, tongue darting out to lick his lips.

 “Should I? What if I’m...broken?” 

 Jemma’s eyes burned as she touched his hand again, desperate to pull him into a hug. “You are never broken. Never were and will be. I think it’s a good idea. It’s somewhere to start.”

  It’s a week later when they’re finishing up the last few details of their project, does Fitz finds Hill in his dorm room. She silently handed him the file and met his eyes, giving that same comforting smile. His heart dropped at that smile. 

 “I’ll be just a phone call away, okay? I thought you’d like to read that alone.”

 All that stood between him and a diagnosis of answers was a file. Just a simple paper that he had to flip open. He couldn’t bring himself to do it, staring at it hard on his desk. It was out of place. It didn’t belong here. To get rid of it, he had to open it.

 He couldn’t.

 “Fitz,” Jemma breathed. “Regardless of what lies in that file, of what answers it gives you, you’re my best friend. You’re not broken, no matter what your father says. You’re you.” 

 “Yes, but…” His tongue darts out to lick his lips again, touching the folder and jerking his hand away. He can’t help but shake his leg at this point in anxiety. “I need to know. I’m just afraid.”

 Her hand finds his and she squeezes again. “Then we’ll do it together, okay? I won’t let you go through this alone.”

 His lips quiver as he smiles at her in return, his hand slowly opening the file. 

 He reads it three times over, front to back, in rapid sessions. Tongue between his lips as he quickly reads it. The last time, his eyes burned with tears. He feels Jemma’s arms around her. He can’t help it to turn around in her arms and sob. 

 “I’m not broken,” he chokes out into her shoulder.

Her arms only tighten around him. “You never were.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #436

from a couple days ago again; still don’t feel like rewriting any answers.

Do you own many pairs of shorts? I don't own any. Have you ever taken a close up shot of a flower? A hell of a lot; I love doing that. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yup. But I don't like hard alcohol and only really drink light fruity stuff, and I'm apparently no lightweight, so I got to the point I just really didn't want to drink anymore. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I have felt very, very hopeless with photography lately that sometimes I'm tempted. I don't think I will, but... it's hard. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? It's been months. Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes, actually. I helped Jason paint his shelf black. Do you have a favorite quote? No. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No, but I have thought about it. I just really don't have nearly enough popularity among the local photographers to feel like I really need to design one. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? YES. I loved it. Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multiplication times tables? ... no lmao Have you ever been severely burned? Not severely, no. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I actually have more than once. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? I think a turkey? Are you good at coming up with jokes? God no. Where do you prefer to sit when you catch the bus? When I used to ride home with Jason from school, we always sat way in the back. Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? No. I did when I was younger, though. I went through a loooong phase of sleeping with my iPod. If your parents... or anybody else... found your cell phone, would they be horrified at any of the messages in your inbox/outbox? No. Do you get offended if someone repeatedly checks their mobile phone when you’re out for lunch or dinner? That's very rude. What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard somebody say recently? Anti-vaccination bullshit from my stepmother. :^) Think about the last person you kissed - was it the very first time that you kissed them? No. When you drink alcohol with friends, do you play drinking games? We never did. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? Nope. Who was the last person to call you? My psychiatrist. What food disgusts you the most? Things like sashimi and caviar. I also think rare meat like steak, especially when it's still bloody, is absolutely disgusting. I could go on and on about this, 'cuz I think a lot of food is really gross. One place you would never want to get lost in in the dark? The jungle. Yikes. So many dangerous creatures, so claustrophobic, and with the canopy, I'd assume it'd be EXTREMELY dark. And it rains so much in the jungle, so it'd be hard to hear danger approaching. One thing that always creeps you out? Perhaps #1 is seeing an unborn baby move from outside their mother's stomach. I will fucking scream and want to puke. If you could be roommates with anyone of your choice, who would you pick? SARA!!!!!!!!! Omfg I'd LOVE to have her as my roommate. We've actually talked about the possibility, but that's nowhere near set in stone. What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? In light of recent events, a high contender is shit like "vaccines cause autism." Would you rather be buried or cremated when you die? I'd strongly prefer to be cremated. What is your favorite food around the holidays? Spiral honey ham, for one. I love Christmas treats like chocolate-covered peanuts, fudge, cookies, etc. etc... Tell me about the greatest prank you’ve ever pulled? I don't pull pranks. If you could have the power to cast any kind of spell, what kind of spell would you cast? Maybe enchanting the human population to not be such violent and hateful fucks??? Have you ever gotten a flu vaccination? Only for Covid. Double dates: a do or don’t? They are SO fun, but I do feel like it's good to have individual ones, too. Do you know any guitarists? Yes. My old friend Tommy actually plays the electric guitar in a band, and Juan was really good at it, too. How do you feel about full-length beards? They look good on some people. It varies with everyone. Do you have any relatives that have shunned you, or vice versa? Not currently. My half-sister stopped talking to me many years ago when I was a homophobic fuck, and I don't blame her. We're perfectly cool now! Has anyone ever posted a HORRIBLE picture of you for everyone to see? omg no Does/did your high school have pop machines? Yes. Have you ever gambled? Nah. If you could work at any retail store, which one would it be? I am NEVER working retail again. I can't handle it. What’s the name of the last cat you pet? Roman. :') Have you ever stringed green beans before? Yes, actually, with Colleen's in-laws. They had a big garden that I helped tend to sometimes. I absolutely hated it with how sweaty I got even then, it was WAY too hot, and my body was also weak back then to where bending down was extremely painful. I just never wanted to say no. Have you ever had any painful dental work done? If so, what? No. What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re bored? It really depends on what I feel like doing, but I think playing World of Warcraft tempts me most often when I'm unbearably bored. What did you watch today? I've just been rewatching Mortem3r play Monster Hunter World. That game looks soooo fun, I wanna try it. ;-; True or False: Yoshi is the cutest dinosaur ever? No. I adore dinosaurs and dinosaur media, so I could name a lot if I thought long enough. Who is the last person you spent money on? My niece. I still feel awful I didn't buy Ryder a gift by myself; I just could NOT decide what to get him. I'm very thankful that Mom let me use one she got him as "mine." They were bright, light-up golf balls, and he loooooved them. What is your relationship like with various members of your family? I have a biiig extended family, man, so I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I am EXTREMELY close to my mom, like there is no way I'd be alive without her, and her support for me seems endless somehow. I love my dad very much too, but I don't see him nearly as much as I wish I did. He tries to support me however he's capable, and he always lets me know that he's there if I need him for anything. I love, am very proud of, and look up to my two sisters, but I'm also very envious of them and how they are successful adults with direction and big accomplishments. We are very different, so we have difficulty with really bonding and talking about things regularly, and it really makes me feel like a terrible sister. My nieces and nephew are absolute diamonds to me, and I'm especially close to Ash's oldest daughter Aubree. She and I are very similar in a lot of areas, so I really relate to her, even in her young age. Ryder really seems to like me, and I love that little rascal, too. :') My youngest niece Emerson is still only a baby, so she can't really communicate in words yet, but she is still a beautiful darling that I'd protect with my life in not even a blink. That covers who I consider my "immediate" family, really, at least that I see regularly. What’s something you disagree with about the way you were raised? I am very firmly against spanking, but my parents did it. I think since Ash's kids were born though, Mom's opinion changed on it. It was around that time, I know. She won't lay a hand on them. Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? I have no clue, actually. Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? *shrug* The last time you were in a car, who was driving? My mom. Did you ever get into a bar and drink before you were 21? Never tried. What countries have you been to? I've never left the U.S. Honestly, is that car insured? I don't have my own car. What do you think about gay marriage? I vigorously support it. Do you like Carrie Underwood? I actually do. She has a beautiful voice. How far away do you live from your parents? I live with my mom. Idk how far I am from Dad, really... but not THAT far. How do you like your steak cooked? Medium well. Have you ever been to Mount Rushmore? No, and I don't want to. It is absolute vandalism. Where is your favorite place (that you have actually been to)? Chicago blew me away, but I think it's just because it was SO foreign to me. I actually don't like cities very much, but for a brief visit, I thought it was very cool. Do you believe places can really be haunted? Yes. Do you take anti-depressants? Sleeping pills? No. I took anti-depressants for I think most of my life, and they did nothing for me. Come to learn from the doctor who actually set my meds straight that anti-depressants for people with bipolarity do nothing but aggravate the symptoms of bipolarity, and I was living evidence. I take mood stabilizers for said disorder instead. I don't take sleeping pills; none seem to work for me. What’s your favourite brand of peanut butter? Maybe Skippy? Idk, I'm not very picky with pb. What’s your favourite Lunchables meal? The nachos one. How many languages can you recite the alphabet in? Two. Do you like Bob Marley? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I can't stand his voice. Have you ever eaten at Golden Corral? Yeah, but I'm not a fan. Buffets gross me out. Do you sit and eat dinner at the same table with your family? We very rarely sit at the table. Have you been working hard to achieve something lately? If not, what was the last thing you worked hard to achieve? Losing weight, yes. I am honestly trying so hard at the gym, like to the point I've almost fallen many times as well as been overtaken by incredible nausea a lot. I don't feel like I'm over-working, necessarily, just working my ass off. Do you use ice cubes in your fountain drinks? No, because it waters the drink down and I hate it. Would you ever want your very own library, or do you not read enough for it to be worth it? No. I don't read nearly enough, and besides, can you imagine all the dust? What site did you originally start doing surveys on? I actually don't know... Have you ever used something other than water to make ice cubes? What did you do with them? I've actually never thought to do that. Would you ever willingly experience life temporarily without sight, hearing, or any of your other senses, simply to know what it is like? Fuck no. I would go insane. In what ways are you very judgmental? I'll judge the fuck out of rapists, child molesters, pedophiles, people like that with no goddamn shame. But your average person, I try not to judge very much. What is your main problem in life right now? It's hard to determine my main problem, honestly. There are a lot of issues going on in my life that've just piled up into one big tangled mess. Do your “favourites” change often? Definitely not. I've had the same favorites in so many topics for forever. Have you ever read a biography on someone? I've read Ozzy's autobiography, and I also read the Some Kind of Monster Metallica book, which was written by I want to say St. Anger's musical director? This was a very long time ago, and honestly, I thought it was pretty boring, so my memory is faint. You learned quite a bit about the band in his time with them, but damn, I don't care about the musical director al;skdfal;we. Do you know anyone who has ever been in a movie? Who and what movie were they in? What was their part? Not to my knowledge. I have an acquaintance who's had minor acting roles, but I don't believe she's ever been in a film. When was the last time you brought a pet to the vet? What was wrong with it? I want to say around two years ago (probably less) when we got my cat neutered. Have you ever made your way through a corn maze? No.

[drake-the-incubus]

Y’know. I feel bad for teachers, they struggle, but I’m not gonna bend over backwards about my trauma and the shitty teaching habits I grew up through, and say it wasn’t their fault.

I sat through struggling with the same social issues that got my cousin diagnosed with ADHD and got told I was just “disruptive”. I was doing book projects on complex books and reading through my homework with ease, only to have my teacher get mad and accuse me of cheating, to which my mom and I had to defend me.

I was accused of cheating my reading assignments because I didn’t have to take them home, it would take five minutes to speed through the books. Tiny little 12 page books were supposed to take us a week.

I excelled in English. Actually I was great in everything but math. When it came to math, I was put down by my teacher, “you’re smarter than this”. “If you really struggle, go ask your parents.” My parents weren’t home, neither had graduated and my step-father was god fucking awful. The solution wasn’t to offer me help when I broke down over not being able to do math, it was to get upset I wasn’t good enough, and get MORE upset when I figured something out that wasn’t an appropriate method.

This is elementary. I was 5-9. These years were fucking horrible for me. From being called the wrong name and being in trouble for correcting it (my name was written down the teacher just would not say it right) to being fucking harassed by students over my last names.

Gifted child with Autism and genuinely has the issues backed up.

School was fucking horrible and most of the time it was the teachers. I don’t care if “they didn’t get paid enough” that didn’t excuse the trauma.

Being a teenager was just as bad.

My nephew has given up on school because they don’t want to help him cope with his dyslexia. They’re cruel about it.

My cousin never graduated because they refused to give him assistance in anything and told him the same shit as me, he was barely passing and had no drive for school because of it.

Kids would receive sexual harassment and the teacher would shrug it off. We had sex in our movies which we should “just close your eyes” which was fun! I can’t tell you how traumatizing being forced to a sex education camp was when I was adamant I didn’t want to go, and being forced to pay the bus fee, when I told my teacher I didn’t want to and had my grades held over my head.

Didn’t matter that I was genuinely uncomfortable, ended up getting an infection with my stitches and was treated like shit for asking “stupid” questions.

I am 22 now, want to know how many times I’ve had sex? 0. Want to know what stuck in that course? Only how to put on a condom.

We didn’t learn consent, we learned some self defence. I was told because I was a girl I’d likely be assaulted!!

A camp that left me with more trauma that I was forced to, because I needed to know the information on STDs. Why? “Because you’re going to have sex before you graduate and I’m not going to be responsible”. Even when I’m saying I wanted to not.

Being berated for not entering science fairs, being pressured into a club where you had to know very specific things that other gifted kids knew and shit.

Being pressured to do the entirety of group assignments. Being harassed when I told a teacher early that I needed my homework tonight because I left at 4am the next day and wouldn’t have net, only to get it 10am the next day with, “you gave me no time”. Despite the fact that said teacher said she could do it.

The vice-principal who was our teacher, that sexually harassed students, was openly abusive and homophobic, who I think still works there! Because all the other teachers defend him, and so does the principal.

The other vice principal who fucking harassed me about graduating. “You need to graduate this year” and got mad when I returned the next year to do exactly what I was planning to before, and upgrade my courses. Same teacher that forced me to the camp.

Teachers literally are in positions of power over students, and are capable of immense trauma. I’ve been near forced to teach a teachers class for her, because she would not look into the subject she was supposed to teach, and even said she should look up the basic requirements for the class and try from there.

She was teaching Gr.10 Astronomy to 7 students. She was constantly giving us assignekents which boiled down to, “make a pretty art project.”

Anyone who wanted to take a serious elective transferred out, and she was adamant that I, the only grade twelve, teach her class for her, “because you know so much”. My knowledge was at a grade 6 level.

At one point I got fed up with this shit because I am there to focus on my studies not teach for her. And I was, “making it so hard on her because she didn’t know what she was doing”.

She tried to make us teach each other.

So when it came to my presentation, I used the appropriate scientific language and got in trouble for, “being too complex”. Mind you this is highschool and I was talking about atmospheric pressure on a planet.

Oh and I had points docked for not drawing a little character for Neptune. Even though I could blindly recite the facts about the planet.

I hate that, “this profession is full of women so it’s the misogyny” that makes people hate teachers. I had wonderful teachers. The majority of them were horrible and would scream at students or give no indication of what was expected from an assignment and would be frustrated.

I had a teacher who broke down to me, because I would do my work fast (and correctly) and she didn’t want me to be ahead of the class so she kept assigning me extra credit I had to complete. And her breakdown was because I told her that I’m not doing more work than was necessary.

Complexities I didn’t understand, my teachers would be upset and tell me, “you’re smarter than this” they would get frustrated at anything below an 80.

The one teacher I had, I met in grade 10, taught the next two years of my social studies. When I told him I hated his course, and why, he actually tried his best to get me to engage with the material. My grades shot up surprisingly, when I had someone who was willing in the side points of class or when he was available, talk to me over this course.

In a school with less than 400 students, for K-12, having the five teachers WITH the time to help me, because they would grade and be there otherwise, is what made me realize that I genuinely could have had help, and was denied it.

Teaching is a two way street, and some teachers leave a real fucking nasty taste in their students mouths, because they cause so much fucking trauma. School can be heavily traumatizing, but blaming the students and everyone but the teachers is a dissonance.

School was better than home, yeah, but not by much. It was hell there. The amount of bullshit teachers put students through, was ridiculous, and the shit they refused the deal with was insurmountable.

It’s not misogyny I hated those teachers, it’s the way they treated me and other students. Specifically, it was how they acted like I was “So Smart” that nay of my struggles were ignored.

I went through school with an undiagnosed neurodivergency, despite working closely with councillors and having them as teachers.

But even still, when I’m teaching the other smart kids in the class the basic mathematics because that’s how bad the teaching is, and the fact that our school was considered the worst of province, yeah I’m gonna be honest here, maybe the fucking teachers have a bigger impact than expected.

[itismarvelicious]

Sometimes I wonder if my dad has autism, but maybe it's because I just want to put an explanation on his behaviour.

I'm not blaming autism for this - my dad is not a good person. He's a narcissistic man who verbally and emotionally hurts his wife and kids everyday. He's always a dick to us.

But also. He is so different from us - and we are 3 introverted girls so we already know what different feels like. But there's introversion and shyness, like my sisters and me, and there's my father, who's not the typical extroverted type, nor the typical introverted type - he's a type I only ever see in him.

For example, he's the lone type. My mom says he wasn't like that before but I say he was, it just got worse. I've always known him like that. So like, we cook something for the whole family, and here he comes, cooking for himself. He cooks for himself only even if we haven't cooked yet before. If we make pasta that are not cooked how he likes it, he's going to make his own pasta even if there is plenty of it already. He's obsessed with food - he's always checking the components in the food we/he buy, always making a comment about it, he cooks salads for himself probably 5/7 because he's obsessed with eating well, yet he buys the most unnatural cheese ever, and he buys meat and fish that are not organic, idk how to call that. He always buys the same food and he's not open to trying anything new (we like cooking/ordering Mexican or Japanese or Chinese) and he never wants any of it. Whenever we cook and he pops up, we know he's gonna make a comment about how fatty it is/unnatural it is/disgusting it is - "I don't like cooked veggies, it's better raw". We know, everything he likes/dislikes about food, we know, he says the same things every single day, just like we expect him to check the components everytime, etc. It always happens.

Another example is how he tries to get our attention - we're not close, yet I've never seen someone I'm not close with try to interact with me the way he does. First, he never says hello. I don't know if it's because we're not close, because I never say hello to him either, but I don't recall him ever saying hello at all. Like when my grandparents came to visit, he used to hide in his office and never come out. You may not like your in laws, but I suppose a hello is the minimum ? Second, when he does interact with us, it feels like.. He barges in. Again, I don't know if it's because the last years we've grown especially distant (but then again, HE let it happen) or because he just genuinely doesn't know how to interact. It feels like he's being agressive most of the time. Or when he TRIES to interact with us, mostly he mumbles stuff, waiting for us to react to what he says, or, for example, just yesterday, he told us there was gonna be a Queen concert on TV or something, he knows we like Queen because we put it on often, and we know he likes Queen too. So he told us and we were like, okay, then went on with our lives, and then when Queen started on TV, he didn't tell us, he just put the sound really loud, waiting for us to say something. I just know that's how he works now. He doesn't know how to engage with us so he just waits for us to react to what he says/does.

Then he's just, a really lone wolf in general. So am I, but he even isolates himself among us. Doesn't help we don't get along, but HE isolated himself in the first place, we never sent him away. Like he started eating on the couch, on his own.

My dad is very popular among the women for his "sensibility", well, he fucks around, and he also only has ONE friend, always had. And it feels like he tries to copy that one friend all the time. William plays the guitar? I'm gonna buy a guitar. William has a telescope? I'm gonna buy a telescope. He tries so much to be like William. Even the hairstyle now looks the same 😅 (I'm laughing simply because the hairstyle really is terrible)

Then, so you got it, we don't get along, but if you think he's being awkward to us just because we don't get along - you should see him with my youngest sister. She's 16. He treats her like she's 5. Acts with her like he's 5, too. He's such a baby. And he's always glued to her, if she's cooking he's gonna be just behind her to watch her cook, if she's playing the piano, he's gonna sit next to her (eat! Next to hear), if she wants to go in the garden, he's gonna follow her outside. And the way he interacts with her - he's trying to get her attention by playing silly. Except it looks ridiculous. Seriously, it's like watching a 55 year old kid. Also he always talks about himself using the 3rd person narrative. "Daddy is working too much, daddy is making food, blabla". He forgets we're way too old for this.

Though he is a lone wolf, he goes out a lot (with who? We don't know). We joke around that he has another family, which could as well be true.

Anyway. Maybe I'm just trying to "put him in a box" because I can never understand him and I wish I could.

If anyone with a similar experience, or if someone autistic wants to rule out autism, that would help a lot. Sorry for this long random post, and thank you if you've read this far. Wishing y'all a good day.

[stargirlfics]

Okay so I have a medical condition that causes a lot of problems one of them being deficits in learning in math or writing/reading mine is math (and I excel in reading/writing) I’ve had this condition every since I was a baby (you can get it from a parent which I did in my case I won’t get into the other cause it’s hella complicated) but since I have this disability that affects my learning it’s always made me feel less then smart it’s like I can’t get my brain to work like it’s supposed to 1/

I’m that kid in school who always needed extra help with math or something really complicated I’ve gotten help all throughout school with test and stuff and it always kinda made me feel really awful about myself I try not to blame myself cause I know I didn’t ask for this but I can’t help ask myself could I try harder? Did I just need to put more work in? And I can’t really talk to my family about it cause they will always coddle me and be like “you are smart” and 2/

“Just ask for help” but for one I don’t want to cause I don’t want my mom or dad to blame themselves for my disability cause it’s truly no ones fault it’s just how it is and I learn to deal with it most days but it’s hit me extremely hard lately because I’m applying for colleges and I’ve never taken the SAT’s/PSAT’s etc cause I would literally fail the math portion and one of my teachers even said (she’s right and she means well) that me taking those test will 3/

Oh sorry I forgot to add the specific title my learning disability would be is Dyscalculia or possibly undiagnosed Autism....But I don’t think my parents ever got me tested for it since girls are not tested as often as boys 🧪-anon

———

Idk if tumblr cut off a part of message and it didn’t go through after part 3 but I appreciate you telling me your story and I know that has to be incredibly frustrating and discouraging and especially lately as you said cause you’re applying for colleges which good luck with bby!

I feel like the education system in general is just really neglectful and unhelpful to those with learning disabilities or disabilities of any kind really and if they do try and accommodate and be helpful it’s like just not up to par with what is needed and I’m sorry the experience is so frustrating and makes you doubt yourself and feel like you’re not smart

I think you’re doing the best you can and you’re probably working harder than you think you actually are with everything and I’m really proud of you for trying to push through all the frustrations that come with it

I wish I had better words to give but know that I hear you and I’m rooting for you and though this time is difficult, you’re incredibly resilient and savvy and you’ve got this, maybe your brain doesn’t operate in the way you need it to and that’s something you didn’t ask to deal with and it makes you feel this way I want you to know that even if the wiring is different you’re still just as capable, it just happens in a different way and different time 💕