#my own inability to just test stuff

[threeofeight]

Lmaoooo listen I bought dungeon draft a while back and decided this week I would just try out some new Crosshead world map assets to see how they were and started up doing Exandria, for science.

It was supposed to be a test, something I didn't need to do at all just to see.

It's been over 30 hours and still going.

There is 0 text on this map for places at all. It's purely just imagery and has moved into photoshop for neatening up and I've started god damn doodling extras on it.

So yeah, I've not yet finished. At this point I don't want to stop lmao, I've put too much effort into it and Yet I have 0 use for it. None.

[i-love-love]

I would love to get just. The most comprehensive medical work up of all time. Run every test it’s possible to run on every conceivable part/system/function of the human body. Full psych battery. I want to know e v e r y t h i n g going on in here. I wanna know which of these things are related. Wanna find out what secrets my meatsack is hiding. I just think it would be so cool to have a 100% complete picture of how my own body works yknow

[datastate]

oh, also. still exhausted, but i’ll try to comb through my small issues w kai’s ministory real quick:

- i feel as if sei’s existence wasn’t implied at all in the main yttd game, and i do wish there had been some hint that rio was indeed based upon a real person rather than an experiment in his own right born from [sentiment for kai, which was the only basis we were previously given]. however, that said, i do not necessarily have issue with sei’s existence - although i wish it ended differently.

- speaking of, the trial of the assassins from each house kill one another to find the one who would endure the most is interesting, sure, and resembles the hades incident well... but i do wonder why they’d bother with wasting all of that training. for once, i agree with gashu - ‘the more talented assets you have, the better’ ... it could become a problem were they to rebel, but. i’m sure they have other powerful people of their own who helped with overtaking ‘the underworld’ and thus, if issues did arise (despite being raised solely in the organization), then they would rely on these older assassins to remain loyal enough to snip out the ones who attempt to rebel.

- if not assassins, then still people who were skilled in weaponry and providing it to asunaro agents who did require it (ie. gashu, eventually)... they would have the ability to step up as they once did for those who disobeyed the hades incident - except for gokujo.

- what were the ten years of training afterward meant to be...? after endurance, whoever won was then sent to satisfy assassination orders, but with kai failing to do so... surely they had to replace him? or ‘retrain’ him? before he could meet the leader of asunaro, he would have to prove that he was indeed able to kill someone else on their behalf without faltering - as that would be fatal if the leader ever did come to harm...

- did kai ever meet the leader at all ? no, really, i’m truly caught on this point because it seem as if he hasn’t (under the assumption meister / mr. chidouin are one in the same and the orchestrator of the death game), but if they still require a ‘first-class assassin’ then how did they proceed from there...?! were there future trials with those raised in asunaro?

- with that in mind, what even initiated this group of kids to be part of the trial in the first place? were they beginning to test out obstructors during training? what qualifies these ones as candidates for determining who was going to be raised to defend the leader? what did that entail?

- in general, i’m just. very concerned for the reasoning behind why they needed something like this so early on and not after they’ve already achieved proof of their kills/etc. and had to duke it out with what skills they’ve learned while on the field. i genuinely can’t see kai as any older than kanna’s age, though i do favor the idea he’s around 8-10 at this point. they would’ve been indoctrinated into asunaro anyhow - why choose just one...?

please don’t misunderstand! i did enjoy it overall, but i do think there is a lot more regarding asunaro training that we just did not truly get to see/understand as much as i personally would’ve liked to, enough to justify what the ‘trial’ meant :’]

[crazycatgirl420]

Fuck Around, Find Out

Ghost King Danny tutors Impulse, Bart Allen, in Summoning magic after a horrible drunken Summoning disaster.

Part 1

Monday came much too soon. Danny had spent his weekend preparing his first lesson for Bart, considering he was so deep in his non-belief of magic that he nearly started a war, Danny decided they would have to start with the basics as taught to newly formed entities in the Realms.

Danny removed his pc and monitors from his desk, snapping on a white board attachment and putting several notebooks, pens, pencils, and markers in the drawers. He held his folder of lesson plans and his own notebook. At exactly four o'clock he put one hand on the desk and appeared right in front of his Contractor.

There was a crash sound behind him, and a wide eyed red-head on the couch, a game controller in his hand.

"We agreed on four to six for your lessons." Danny reminded him. "We have a lot to cover and I do not want to spend my entire existence teaching you."

Thee human grimaced but nodded. "What are we doing today?"

"You'll be learning to read and write," Danny said. "Magic is its own language, if you don't know it you can't effectively use it."

Bart spent two hours copying the Infinite Realms Dictionary of Magic into his first notebook while Danny read it aloud.

"There are six hundred and seventy languages used in this dimensions magical script," Danny explained. "As a living being born of this realm you only need to be fluent in those six hundred seventy languages, which is a lot less than what I had to learn as a being of the Infinite Realms-"

Bart paused in writing, glancing at the book he was copying from. '670 Alphabets, Beginning to End'

"I'll leave you with the Dictionaries to study in your own time. On Wednesday we'll go over grammar, and Friday we'll practice speaking. You'll have the weekend to practice as you wish and next week will be your first set of tests,"

"Tests next week?" Bart asked. "After only three days of lessons?"

"This is easy stuff," Danny said. "You're magical friends learn this as young children before they even choose a specialty."

Bart had a week to learn six hundred languages. He couldn't believe Raven or Zatanna knew all these languages, and only a week to learn them all was insane.

"Keep working," Danny said. "We don't have time for you to change your mind now. You signed a contract, I can't even explain what that entails until you understand magic script. The gibberish you scrawled on the floor in your drunken Summoning could've been the end of your deminsion and every deminsion that surrounds yours."

Bart kept writing.

Two hours for Bart tended to feel like an eternity but Phantom taught at the same speed Bart lived his life normally. There was no slacking off for milliseconds waiting for outside time to catch up. Phantom kept up, as soon as Bart finished a notebook another was handed to him. Phantom recited the dictionary and passages on culture, history, and traditions with ease, asking questions and having Bart read the passages as he copied them down.

"You have until I return on Wednesday to learn all six hundred and seventy languages here." Phantom said, pulling several stacks of books out of the desk. "Feel free to ask those magical friends of yours about magic script of you don't believe me, though your inability to believe them was what lead to this in the first place,"

Phantom left just like he has appeared, with a flash of light and an ice cold breeze.

Bart groaned, eyeing the stacks of books with regret. This was going to be a lot of reading.

[blue-thief]

Ok. Thoughts on the Itoshi Sibs / their parallels with Isagi?

HELLO this took forever for me to answer because summer school and the sadness. as you know.

also i went too crazy with tying blue lock into my fixation with japanese nationalism so it got way too complex and i got scared but now i'm just gonna make that its own post (<- said the same thing about bsd. that analysis about bsd's connection with japanese nationalism has been sitting in my docs for a year now i think)

(smh this is what happens when the japanese imperial army almost wipes out your entire bloodline /gen /srs)

anyway. all that waiting to say that rin is... just some guy to me

usually a fw anime boys named rin. esp if they're the sworn rival of the plain protagonist. not necessarily this one though

i have no clue why he doesn't scratch my brain properly. he just doesn't. i need to spend a good three hours staring at the ceiling at night to figure that out

when you first sent me this i didn't really care for sae much either. now i do

that's how long this has been sitting in my drafts 😃😃

(i've written and scrapped thousands of words for this ask sob sob)

(this answer wasn't even formatted this way originally)

i've probably told you the story of how sae grew on me before but like

i don't plan out my fics right

i do play out random scenes in my head to test out if i like them or not

(shivers because updating my fic is another thing that is taking forever.......)

and i was just fucking around with random jokes kaiser and sae could say to each other

then i imagined sae smiling

and i was like "what the fuck... why is that so endearing........"

that was the turning point but it really was a lot of sitting and contemplating sae's character honestly

to really understand him and why he'd be friends with kaiser

and sae is kinda just like me frfr

that guy can't do anything other than soccer/football. he has nothing going on beyond that

and yeah. yeah... i get that.......

it's the reason why i like a bunch of other bllk characters but it's most pronounced with sae yk

(SORRY MR. SNUFFY)

and like. just his inability to be a normal fucking person 😭😭 too real

anyway those are my general itoshi brothers thoughts

now for the parallels part.

(this is the part that killed me and i wanna go more in-depth. but i'm saving that for another post. because holy shit my original idea was so fucking ambitious)

i had other thoughts and god i wish i wrote that stuff down

but the major thing i want to get into here is dependence

isagi is independent. soo independent it's kinda crazy

this was outlined most during the second selection with bachira where he had to learn to play by himself

meanwhile there's rin who seems independent on the surface

however, rin has always been dependent on sae in one way or another

when they were younger, rin was dependent on sae to take care of and guide him

rin also depended heavily on sae on the field

now that they are older, sae's attempt to shake rin off has just made rin's dependence on sae even more intense, just in a different way

rin's only motivation to play soccer/football had been to "crush" sae

...but now he's met isagi

and his obsession has found a new object

with the recent chapters, now we know he places isagi and sae on a similar level in his personal hierarchy, and his desire to destroy sae has bled into rin's feelings toward isagi

while rin has only one rival, the same can't be said for isagi

isagi gains rivals like pokemon, and while they have all played a significant roll in isagi's development as a person and a character, his obsession doesn't consume him. in the PXG vs BM match, he's doesn't fully comprehend the effect he's had on kaiser and rin

and mannn i wish i could find this analysis, but it's gone now

but someone compared isagi's desire to "devour" to rin and nagi's desire to "kill"

I WISH I COULD REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAID

but from what i remember, "devouring" someone is temporarily defeating them, but both parties ultimately improve so there's room for them to meet again and help each other improve even more

however, "killing" someone is defeating them completely so they're never able to play/improve ever again

which outlines the fact that while isagi can be a little bitch on the field, he wants his rivals to improve alongside him, and in the end, he wants the best for people (in terms of soccer/football)

which is why he never became overly-dependent on bachira and why he treats midfielders as actual human beings 😭😭

isagi is independent, but he pushes for the people around him to be just as independent

the itoshi brothers are different though

rin is codependent on sae, and you could say his hatred/obsession with isagi is a different type of codependency

but that thing about treating midfielders as human beings...

uh. that doesn't really apply to rin

sae is somewhat similar with how he "tamed" shidou but it's not THAT imbalanced lmao

there's also how the three of them are on different places of the striker-midfielder spectrum

in-universe and within the fandom, rin is perceived as japan's ultimate striker. his raw shooting power + metavision makes him perfect for this position.

however sae, another metavision user, is the perfect midfielder

then there's isagi who's tried emulating rin's play style at first but is ultimately most similar to sae, leading people to say that isagi is better suited to be a midfielder rather than a striker

while rin represents what the ultimate japanese striker is, something isagi is trying to reach, sae's path is one that isagi could easily fall down instead

many people have theorized that sae became a midfielder to improve rin's chances at becoming a better striker. sae may be considered to have a strong ego, but if this turns out to be true, that might not be the case lmao

errm. idk how to end this off. sorry for the wait sob sob

[empress-of-snark]

In place of Six Sentence Sunday (because everything I’ve been writing today is spoiler-y stuff that I don’t want to reveal just yet), have a scrap of a scene that is definitely not in the upcoming chapter but may yet be revised for a future update!

(ft. Chrissy meeting Wayne)

———

“Stop it,” Eddie says gently as Chrissy smooths the fabric of her dress for the fifth time in as many minutes. “You look fine.”

He catches her hand and brings it up to his lips for a kiss before lacing their fingers together and swinging their hands between them.

“I-I just want him to like me!”

Eddie smirks. “He already does, I’ve probably yakked his ear off about you a half dozen times over the phone. He liked you the second you made me quit smoking.”

“I didn’t make you quit,” she says, ignoring the way he starts fiddling with her hair, twisting it around his finger this way and that. She’s long since grown used to his inability to stand still and doesn’t mind occasionally being the subject of his distraction. “You did that on your own.”

He shrugs. “Cause you didn’t like it.”

Chrissy feels her face heat up in a blush and she bites her lip to conceal her smile.

It still catches her off guard when he says stuff like that, so easily. He’s guarded around everyone else, but with her, he may as well be wearing his heart on his sleeve.

Before she can respond, he perks up. “There he is!”

The man who steps out of the cab is shorter than Eddie, grizzled and graying, with a serious expression that makes her uneasy. She reminds herself that Eddie scared her at first, too. That once she got to know him, he wasn’t at all what she expected.

Eddie hurries to take his small suitcase (“Here, I got it.”) and the man regards him with mild exasperation.

“You think I ain’t able to carry my own suitcase, Ed?”

Keeping a grip on the handle, Eddie gestures. “This stubborn old man is my uncle Wayne,” he says for her benefit before placing a hand on her back. “Wayne, this is Chrissy.”

There’s a touch of nerves in his voice that would be undetectable if she didn’t know him so well. Chrissy pulls her lips into a polite smile, holding out a hand.

“Very nice to meet you, sir.”

Eddie’s uncle doesn’t smile, exactly, but his palm is warm and calloused when he shakes her hand, and his eyes shift to his nephew with something like amusement.

There’s some slight family resemblance. She knows that Eddie got his eyes from his mom’s side of the family, but when Wayne turns his head, she recognizes the silhouette of his nose and chin. She wonders idly what Eddie would look like with a beard.

“Heard an awful lot about you,” his uncle says, giving her a polite nod. “And none of that ‘sir’ nonsense. You can call me Wayne.”

Chrissy sighs in relief, feeling like she’s passed some sort of unspoken test, and bounces on the balls of her feet. Glancing at Eddie with a preening smile, she sees that he’s pulled a lock of hair across his face and started chewing on it nervously.

“Boy, when are you gonna get rid o’ that mane?” Wayne scoffs. “Damn thing’s an eyesore.”

Eddie scowls, but his eyes are filled with mirth when he half-heartedly says, “Fuck off, old man.”

Leaning against his arm, Chrissy grins shyly. “I like his hair,” she mutters.

When Eddie crowds into her, rubbing his forehead against the side of her face like an overgrown cat, she laughs, trying to squirm away. He pulls back and grins at his uncle.

“See?” he boasts. “Told you it’s a chick magnet.”

Wayne’s eye roll is fond as picks up his suitcase.

“Well, we gonna stand out here chattin’ all day, or are you gonna invite me up?”

———

Wayne will make an appearance in the actual fic at some point, it’s just a matter of finding a place for him. I love him dearly, and fics about him meeting/bonding with Chrissy are some of my absolute favorites!

[eltanin0]

doubt I'm ever gonna get around to properly conveying my characters and their story so I think I'll just dump some text about them. keep in mind some of this may change, isn't thought out fully, or doesn't have a proper ingame explanation yet.

Unfathomable amounts of rambling below. nobody is forced to read it.

About Requiem of Silence (ROS) and general stuff on the campaign

They're a kind of iterator prototype, a simple proof of concept for the ancients before they began production of fully functional iterators. Far more limited than a normal iterator, they were designed with the purpose of testing artificial intelligence and their ability to be self sustaining. They are housed in a can far smaller than typical iterators, however it is still incredibly large compared to it's surroundings. it's location is in a large crater we'll say, and the low elevation makes it relatively closer to the surface of the void sea. this helps with the fact that they are largely powered by the void fluid, and the closer proximity aids with the collection and utilization. They have very basic functions that pale in comparison to the complexity of future iterators. They do not have the ability to manipulate gravity, not even in their chamber. They do not possess a large amount of neuron flies either, and thus have more limited mental abilities and intelligence than normal iterators. they were not designed with the ability to speak, instead they emit a high powered lazer from their fingers to write and communicate through text that they draw on the surfaces of their chamber. The puppet design is fairly simple. where modern iterators seem almost biological with their body, the seamless transitions between appendages and other stuff that I cant be bothered looking into, ROS' puppet is far more mechanical. arms and legs are separated at the joints, clearly distinct parts that are connected together. the metallic material making up it's body is largely unchanged, save for the markings on the head the body is a very metallic grey. the first marking, directly on the forehead, looks like a volume symbol directed downwards, it is colored golden similar to void fluid. the second marking is two lines, 1 coming from either eye, which travel downwards and across the face, intersecting, ending between the chin and somewhere along the jaw (it's also colored gold like void). the intersection point is right where the mouth would normally be placed and when coupled with the volume symbol at the top would combine into a mute symbol. this along with the inability to speak leads into it's name, Requiem of Silence. an important thing about ROS is their relationship with the ancients, or more so, lack thereof. story wise, after being built by the ancients and confirming their theories, they were neglected, tossed aside, and forgotten. left to live forever in their can with no purpose, ROS slowly became resentful of the ancients and bitter towards lifeforms in general. envious of their ability to travel, and later their ability to escape the cycle.

Over time, the general neglect of their own can caused their structure (which was not as solidly built as normal iterators) to eventually collapse. the legs collapsed and walls deteriorated over time. it's overall appearance is quite similar to LTTMs' collapsed structure, minus it being submerged in water and the size difference. now seeing as ROS is meant to be a prototype, they were made long before the iterators we know today. so far back that the landscape around them has changed drastically from what it once was. after the collapse of their can, they slowly sunk under their own weight, and as nature took it's course, dirt and rubble piled over. the machinery inside would slowly clog with dirt and debris, restricting functionality and causing pain to ROS. eventually after a very long time, they were completely covered and submerged, and the life that grew atop it flourished, looking very much like the Outer Expanse. as the can continued to sink, the distance between itself and the surface grew, and the distance between itself and the void sea shrunk. during the time when the campaign would take place, the superstructure is so far below the surface that there's no sign of it's previous existence above. it's fallen so deep that it's even began to dip into the void sea itself, speeding up it's deterioration and in turn, causing immense pain for ROS.

now with the collapse and sinking into the void sea and disregard from ROS, the can and the puppet itself is in terrible shape. the puppet would be fairly broken, unable to walk, and upon first meeting, would be partially buried in dirt. gameplay wise they would function similarly to LTTM in their ability to maneuver, but of course they wouldn't be able to communicate with the player through words. they would have only one neuron fly remaining and they keep it physically inside the puppet. they would attempt to communicate with the player through writing words on the walls to no avail. eventually they would offer their last neuron to the player in an attempt to end their suffering. it's up to the player whether they accept the neuron or not, but eating the neuron would end the campaign. should the player not eat the neuron fly, during their next hibernation they would experience a dream sequence/custcene which would end with them deciding to help ROS. they would then travel deeper into the collapsed structure in search of the biggest problem within it. as they travel deeper, eventually the environment around them would begin taking on aspects of the void (the gold colors n such) and they would eventually reach the void sea. this void sea would function similarly to the saint void sea, the one that kills you when you touch it. it would be more focused around the platforming aspect and avoiding the fluid. eventually they'd reach some kind of goal or something to help ROS regain some functionality. i'm not fully certain of what the solution would be so i'll just ignore it. after fixing the issue, the player would travel all the way back up and reach ROS' chamber again. this would be the trigger for the ending and campaign over.

that's a fair amount that's in my brain, mind you I've barely talked about the slugcat and their story. some of the concepts and ideas were picked up and changed from other people, tho I don't remember which parts or how much. the only one I'm fairly certain was kinda yoinked was the can in the void sea. I think it was an ask response or something but someone asked about ascending iterators with the void sea, and I think the answer was to dunk the whole can. I thought that was a fun idea and mixed with the Rubicon void stuff, it could make some interesting platforming.

I think that's all I'll talk about for now, sorry for rambling so much. let me know if I fucked up anywhere

[cryptidko]

Yayy posting some art of mine.

While making my pressure (/scp) OC I noticed quite an amount of similarities he had with Solace so I drew this kind of like parallels I guess lol.

More OC Lore under cut

Travis-Lautaro Tecoy, a twenty something Chilean guy, nicknamed "Icarus" by Solace after he died in room 99.

He was a D-Class at the SCP foundation, one that lasted a lot more than the expected singular month there... He lasted years, (thank his inability to die for that.) and was considered quite the asset to the foundation.

He is anomalous himself, but wasn't classified as an SCP purely out of conveniece for the organization, because then it would be a mess to test on him and it would require a lot more paperwork haha. (Cross experiments with SCPs are a mess to coordinate and get approved.)

I have my ideas of why he can't really die, or how he keeps coming back despite his body being almost completely destroyed, let's just say that back at the foundation some people talked about him as 682-B 👀... Only in whispers of course, nothing documented yet.

His crime is irrelevant, he was accused of the murder of 3 people along with first degree arson charges, wether those claims are true even he doesn't know anymore, since after every test he was constantly administered amnestics to the point of almost breaking his mind.

During his transportation he was administered Class C Amnestics but thanks to his developed resistance to the stuff he can remember small bits of his time at the foundation from time to time.

(feat some of my friend's doodles of her Roblox Avatar and Seb as well)

For reasons that I havent thought of yet (lol) he was transferred to Urbanshade's under the expendable protocol, feeling he probably had more chances of being freed with that than the obvious lie of the foundation of being freed after one month of serving as a D-Class.

Really he was just changing what organization owned him.

He's not a great guy lol, he's quite an asshole tbh, horrible with emotions, very self centered and easy to anger.

He's the type to do anything if it means he's getting his freedom, and knowing he can't really die he's not scared of doing horrid things to get his way, but really he's just detached from his own emotions. That's just what years dealing with anomalous shit as their testing subject does to ya I guess.

Going back to his nickname, in his first ever expedition he almost got to the crystal, dying to pinky right after he survived pandemonium. (This actually fucking happened to me when I played for the first time and I was so angry that I made Travis lol.)

Thus, the nickname Icarus, he flew too close to the sun and died, he absolutely HATES that name, it spread like wildfire among other expendables.

(early doodles/designs of him, was still figuring him out back there lol)

He doesn't talk much either tbh, but that's actually because if he talks too much, specially when agitated (or anything that raises his heartrate) he gets this GNARLY cough with blood and all that. That's because the weird anomaly that keeps him alive flares up and tries to constantly adapt his body to the environment. It's a VERY painful process btw, when his body begins to heal from his more fucked up injuries he does not pass out, he is painfully aware of every single fiber reattaching and bones fusing and organs healing.

Back at the foundation he was just administered amnestics to forget that along with the testing prior, but now at Urbanshade he's more aware than ever about not being human.

After all, the only reason he wants his freedom is to be a normal person again, and if he's not human, then what even is the point.

He refuses to acknowledge he's not normal.

And it's breaking him.

[some-pers0n]

YOU WATCHED GODZILLA MINUS ONE LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

shaking you to talk about it

I need to just..sit and think for a minute. Give me a second..

Okay on my laptop. Now I can think. Spoilers for the movie of course (PLEASE WATCH IT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEE)

So the movie is about a war vet, Koichi Shikishima. Shikishima was originally supposed to be a kamikaze jet fighter, but had fled his position last minute by lying about having a malfunction so he could live another day. He was afraid. He loved his family and his life. He wanted to live.

That is the main framing of the movie and the thing I kept coming back to. Shikishima felt nothing but guilt for everything he had done. The movie is more namely about WWII and its effects on Japan. On its people, both physically and mentally. Shikishima was meant to die. He was conscripted, trained, and prepared specifically to go into battle and die serving his country. This came at the end of the war however, when it became abundantly clear that a US invasion was coming. Shikishima did not want to die. He held value with his life. He saw the pointlessness of dying for a crumbling empire and lied.

Godzilla in this is a manifestation of war to me. It represents the might of the atomic bomb obviously, but also the sheer destruction and chaos of it all. It represents oblivion and the firey death that comes with war. It represents trauma. It represents Shikishima's trauma. It is why Shikishima's war still rages on. That thing is still around.

Shikishima blames himself for the event at Odo Island. He sees it as the final nail in the coffin for why he shouldn't exist anymore. He was scared. Like when he ran from his duties, he too could not fire at Godzilla as it attacked innocent people who had families to go home to. Over two dozen good men died that night because Shikishima could not act. Because of Godzilla.

Godzilla is that trauma to me. Shikishima thinks himself as a man who, by all accounts, should be dead. Why was I spared? he thinks. He believes himself as a coward. It's hammered home once he returns and sees his neighbourhood turned to rubble and dying fires. His neighbour, Sumiko, berates him for his inability to fulfill his role, blaming him for the massacre that took place. She repeats back the thoughts he already held: he is a coward. He should not be alive. What more does he have to live for? His family is dead. His inaction killed several people. He is a traitor to his country.

Suicide ideation and an inability to see a point in going on was such a noticeable part of Shikishima's character to me. His trauma and PTSD haunted him for years. He felt so much shame and guilt for what happened on that island.

Yet...he finds a reason to keep going, even if he doesn't realize just how much it means. A girl taking care of a child that is not her own, orphaned by the bomb raids, falls into his care. Soon enough, he makes a life around this girl, Noriko, and the child, Akiko. He gets odd jobs for them. He brings home money and, eventually, secures a nice government job.

I know I'm recapping thus far but also like...holy shit I gotta just lay it out. The movie just is so dense with stuff. Everything connects back to the central themes of trauma, war, and hope in the face of destruction. Everything relating to Shikishima feels so real in the sense that, for a moment, everything seems okay. It's alright. He meets and befriends his crew of people (including Dr. Noda!!! my favourite character, surprising absolutely nobody!) and it looks like things are looking up.

But it resurfaces. This beast. Awakened by the continuing nuclear bomb tests by the US. It shifts and changes, growing stronger. It is fueled by the weapons that were used to destroy and kill. It is war manifest. It is Gojira.

The boat scene was probably my favourite part in the whole movie. Seeing the main cast all work together so hard to try and outrun and wade off this unstoppable force. The CGI is also just wonderful. I still adore how it tries to emulate the flaws of practical effects in this scene in particular. The looming fear of Godzilla as it rapidly approaches them is just...so good. Then, it caps off with a sliver of hope in the form of a battleship from Singapore coming to save them, only for Godzilla to instantly body it via its atomic breath.

It resurfaces and brings back memories of that awful night. Nightmares have haunted Shikishima ever since, but they're only strengthened with Godzilla had returned. He has panic attacks. The once stoic and distant Shikishima crumbles and sobs, panicking and considering more abstract ideas. He does not see himself as alive. He's convinced he died. That none of this is real. That he isn't happy. He isn't alive. He is nothing more than a dead man who, despite anything, lives on for no real purpose.

It further hammers into him that there's no real reason to keep going like that when Noriko is swept away by the blast when Godzilla attacks Tokyo. That scene with him watching as Godzilla marvels in its destruction, screaming and yelling over the death of the person he loves. Death, trauma, war. It towers over him, shrouded in a cloud of ash and smoke and glowing a radioactive blue.

He agrees to Dr. Noda's plan to stop Godzilla, but mainly as a way for him to finally do what he always thought he was meant to do. Akiko, what is virtually his daughter in the eyes of everyone but himself, constantly broke my heart man. She loves him. She calls him daddy. She calls Noriko mommy. They're family. They're something for him to live for.

The night before Shikishima leaves to go and fulfill the role of a kamikaze, taking Godzilla down with himself, Akiko draws him a picture of their family. She cries. She wants her mother back. Why isn't she back? Where is she? Why can't daddy bring her back? It's not fair.

That scene just...hurt me so much. I can't describe it honestly. A lot of scenes with Shikishima grieving and processing his trauma cut deep, but seeing Akiko cry and Shikishima, a man who will be all but alive the next day, try and console her while still thinking about how he's gonna die... Jesus fuck man. The movie is evil.

The climax is fun, yet incredibly tense. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. I knew that they would all be fine in the end and that Shikishima obviously must have had an eject seat installed, but I couldn't help but be engrossed into it. I think what mainly got me was seeing the citizens work together. It was emblematic of what I think is the overall message of the movie: hope. Hope to keep living. You cannot take on trauma by yourself and need a whole slew of people to support you.

Shikishima, in that fighter plane that was meant to a battle that never was, soars into the mouth of Godzilla mere seconds before it fires upon the ships. Right before the ship reaches, he pulls the eject button and survives. He...found his reason to keep going. Even if Noriko is gone, he wants to live. Even if the trauma may not fully be defeated, he wants to live. He needs to live, not just for Akiko, but for his friends. For himself. To let it known that Godzilla itself cannot take him down. He will persist in the face of oblivion manifest.

It's such an amazing movie okay? I'm just left in absolute awe at it. This and Shin Godzilla are so great. I loved Shin's portrayal of the incapability of the Japanese government in the face of disaster, namely taking inspiration from the ever-evolving disaster of the earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear meltdown. Minus One however shows the toll of trauma and war on the population. It effects the people. While Shin Godzilla is a satire of the government, Minus One Godzilla shows the horrors of being an ordinary person during it all.

Minus One Godzilla is horrifying. Every time it pops up I feel nothing but dread. I read somewhere that it's one of the smaller Godzilla designs, but honestly I don't think that took away from it whatsoever. Its staying presence is so strong that I can't honestly see it as being weak or tiny for it.

The movie's constant themes and message of moving past trauma and living in spite of everything is just so powerful too. There is so much good in life. You cannot let war and hopelessness consume you. You need to keep moving forward. The final confrontation of Godzilla is emblematic of it all. It's so good man. I love this movie so so so very much...

[citriosis]

stressing about medical stuff don't mind me. cw for thanatophobia (fear of death/dying) + my invalidating my own disability

bwahhh trying not to stress about the possible medical thing that popped up on my bloodwork. it could be nothing! there's a chance it could be nothing and i know that. but autoimmune disease run in my family on my mom's side. even she has one. so i'm just like. nervous.

i'm predisposed to sjögren's, my mom has alopecia universalis, and RA and SLE are pretty common in my family.

this isn't even a "oh no disability is going to ruin my life ;(" thing lol. i'm a cane user and my body turns into a cement brick if i overexert myself. my life is already plenty affected by my body's inability to function normally. i'm more just thinking of the family members of mine who've died due to complications with their autoimmune diseases and playing into my absolutely horrific fear of death.

i hope it's nothing. i am praying to every star in the sky that it's nothing.

maybe it's related to the cfs. or maybe i don't have cfs at all and my pcp and i were wrong and it's something related to this positive test.

or maybe it's nothing. maybe it's all in my head, and it's always been in my head and once we follow up on this positive test it'll be nothing and i'll just go back to wondering what's wrong with me.

i don't know. i don't know what to think and i don't know what to do. i'm scared to fucking death because i'm scared OF death. i feel like i'm going to be sick.

i genuinely just don't want to fucking die.

[behindthesefangirleyes]

Spoilers Ahead - “The Tutor”

I’ve had a few requests from people outside of the U.S. (or people who just aren’t near theaters showing the film) to do a spoiler-filled recap of the film.

There’s no way that I remembered every single detail, but I tried my best. I also incorporated a few thoughts & observations along the way. I hope this satisfies any curiosity.

The film starts off giving a little bit of background about Ethan (Garrett Hedlund) and shows him tutoring high-school aged kids from wealthy families. It basically drops you into the privileged and vapid lives of these kids. Really stereotypically exaggerated, but pretty amusing at points nonetheless. It focuses a lot on how he reacts to their seeming inability to learn. Then it transitions to the students as they start to get it and do well thanks to his tutoring. This part of the beginning basically ends with one mother (presumably) asking him what his secret is and I don’t really remember what he says but it was just a laid back, nothing sort of answer.

The film continues and we learn that he and his girlfriend Annie (Victoria Justice) are expecting a baby. She wants to know how Ethan’s father took the news that they aren’t married but are expecting, and he’s silent for her long enough to tell that he hasn’t told his dad (even though he promises that he will soon). In time, we learn that there are bigger issues there with his father (who we never meet).

Ethan’s day job isn’t super clear, at least to me. He works sort of in an office setting, but maybe like a temp-type job. When he goes into work, he’s told to call some guy named Charlie who is ... frankly, equal parts a lot and totally unnecessary to the story. Charlie is the voice-over in the trailer that tells Ethan about the job paying $2,500 per day. As he said in the trailer, details are sparse. He’s also randomly calling from a strip club and shouted out Montclair, NJ, which is hilarious as someone who grew up in a neighboring town to Montclair (but I digress). As is established, Ethan takes the job with minimal questions asked because he needs the money. Which, as my friend pointed out, maybe do not live in NYC in a pretty spacious apartment if you can’t afford it LOL. There’s a real disconnect.

Ethan packs his bags and moves into the family’s house for a trial-run tutoring week, leaving a maybe-5-month pregnant Annie to pack up their apartment by herself (goals? lmao). Once Ethan arrives and is brought inside by the butler, he meets Jackson (Noah Schnapp). Jackson is stand-offish and doesn’t make any immediate eye contact. Ethan tries to ask him questions and glean what he is even meant to work on with him. Jackson says he doesn’t know how he did on his SATs, but he would get his father’s secretary to send over his results. Ethan gives Jackson some test prep to see what level he’s on and then leaves him to that while he explores the house some more.

During Ethan’s exploration is when he meets some other people who are around the house. The one guy is later identified as Jackson’s cousin. Who Jackson describes as the “brother that I never had” and who “summers with us” (you can’t make this stuff up). There’s a random girl with him, never stated but inferred to be his girlfriend. That whole scene was just purposefully weird and to be honest, I could’ve done without it. What we do learn, though, is that cell reception is best by the pool unless you have access to the Wi-Fi. More on that later. This sequence I believe is also when Ethan sees all the motorcycles that the family owns. Ethan then sees Jackson’s clearly a whiz at math and gives him an essay to work on instead. The butler returns and takes Ethan to his quarters, which is basically a house in itself with a pool table, etc. & later that night he talks about it with Annie over the phone.

I’m pretty sure the next day when they’re working is when Ethan asks what Jackson’s father does for a living. Jackson says that he’s not allowed to talk about it. Then he asks about Jackson’s mother and he clams up before saying that “they sent her away.” Ethan apologizes for that. I’m sort of losing track of the order at this point, but eventually (possibly later that day) there’s the scene within Ethan’s quarters where Jackson appears. He asks if he can come in and just randomly starts talking to Ethan about how he feels like his father hates/is disappointed in him. He lays his head down on Ethan’s knee, unprompted, and Ethan is basically like, tf? But then the scene goes as the preview showed - Ethan comforts him, says he has his own complicated relationship with his father who we learn can be volatile and is a drinker, and then Jackson gets a sort of cold yet cheerfully detached smile on his face and leaves again without any clear reason why he showed up in the first place.

At some point, Ethan is taking photos in the woods. Which made me realize I forgot about the scene where Jackson asks him to take his photo. It happens maybe the second day of tutoring. So anyway, Ethan’s taking photos because he took “photojournalism in high school and it stuck” (because what’s a tutor without a passion for photography who reads Dostoevsky on the side? I am totally serious, he does). Jackson’s cousin shows up (how coincidental) in a car with his gf and some other girl named Teddy. They insist on giving Ethan a ride and that’s when Ethan asks what the deal is with Jackson (he’s already said to Annie that he doesn’t know why he’s there if this kid is so smart, which Annie says maybe he’s a nervous test-taker and Ethan suspects that Jackson is “on the ‘spectrum’”/some “mad genius”. Lots of ableist language used throughout the film. The cousin asks what Jackson has told Ethan about himself, and he says the thing about the mother being sent away. Ethan sort of scoffs and has an offhanded remark like, “Yeah, you could say that.” *Cue foreboding music* Then the cousin makes some lewd remark about how Teddy will do whatever the cousin says if Ethan wants to get with her. Ethan responds to this super misogynist remark by saying he has a girlfriend. The cousin said he heard about that and how they’re expecting a baby and this can be like one last hurrah or some other asinine remark. At this point, Jackson’s “how do you feel about your baby being a bastard?” comment has already happened.

As the week is at the mid-way point, Jackson doesn’t want to study one day. He and the cousin offer to buy off Ethan to let him go early. Bidding starts at $1,000 & works its way up to $5,000 before Ethan basically just goes “c’est la vie” and takes the money. You’d think it would come back to bite him or that Jackson would say he stole the money. It never does. Later in the week as Ethan is packing, Jackson invites him for a farewell dinner with his father on their last tutoring day. Ethan says that he can’t because he has plans. Jackson tries to insist, but Ethan snaps at him that he’s his tutor, not his friend. This felt like a weird overreaction compared to how calm he was when Jackson called his baby a bastard. Jackson runs off and eventually Ethan goes to look for him and apologize. He comes upon Jackson’s bedroom where a laptop is left open (naturally, not password protected). On it, Ethan sees photos of himself and him and Annie on the night that we had previously seen them in their living room. He is creeped out by Jackson’s “obsession.”

On the last day of tutoring, Jackson is going through it. He’s trying to write but he’s shaky and ripping out a page when he’s not happy with it. Ethan confronts him about the laptop photos and when Jackson says he shouldn’t be on his laptop, Ethan says he was looking for him to apologize. Eventually, Jackson sort of has a meltdown where we see in the preview him pounding on his legs and runs out of the den. Ethan chases after him but he’s gone and then a man appears on top of the steps who Ethan says “must be Jackson’s father.” The man says how Jackson is always like this and Ethan apologizes for not being able to make the dinner. The scene is the father making random nonsensical remarks about World War I and offering Ethan this big painting in the foyer since he likes it because “we’ve got three or four others around here like it.” Rich people are a different breed.

At some point during this week, Annie is out walking with one of her friends & she talks about her history with Ethan (as you do lmao). We learn he’s cheated on her with some artist or whatever. She still has trouble trusting him, etc. etc. Now that the week of tutoring has ended, Ethan and Annie are out to dinner & having it with the same woman and her significant other. Annie announces the sex of the baby is a boy. The other couple, for no apparent reason, announce they’re moving to Portland (which Portland? they never say) but of course, not until after the baby is born because she’d never do that to Annie. Gag. Ethan is brooding and drinking the entire dinner. Right before the dinner, he heard from Charlie again that the family wants to continue the tutoring of Jackson. He isn’t eager to continue but the pay rate skyrockets. The couple says to him how they hear he has remarkable stories of students that he’s tutored. Ethan tells Annie’s favorite of a girl who threw a book at him and called him white trash. Another is of a father sending him on a trip to London to take his kid on a college tour. He then begins talking about Jackson and ranting about his creepiness of knowing about the baby to taking his photos to his random meltdown, and then all of a sudden Jackson appears and clearly heard the entire rant. The table is deadly quiet (at this point I’ve slid all the way down in my seat from pure secondhand embarrassment) and Annie greets Jackson and they make brief awkward small talk. Jackson eventually leaves and the scene transitions to a car ride home as Annie says she hates when “Ethan gets like this” and how it’s always bad when he drinks because he reminds her “of your dad”. This oh-so-mysterious dad.

Again, I’m sort of losing the plot at this point but the next major thing that I’m remembering is that Jackson calls Ethan to say that he and his family are in Manhattan for the day and the tutoring will take place at their brownstone. So Ethan can let himself into it. Ethan tries to apologize for the previous encounter, but Jackson says they’ll talk later and the line goes dead. Ethan goes over to the brownstone and waits. Jackson says that they’re stuck in traffic and there’s fruit that he left out for Ethan. Ethan eats two strawberries (what a dummy) and starts feeling weird. As he collapses with a thud, there’s a not quite worthy TikTok transition to a body getting dumped into water. Again with the theme of water. Ethan comes to and swims to the surface as a small boat is retreating. The next scene is him coming home to Annie and that’s the scene where she asks where he was and then is skeptical when Ethan believes he was drugged and mentions how a random girl kept calling their house but wouldn’t give her name. They fight and the next day, Ethan is convinced he figured out the drug that Jackson gave him based on its effects and side-effects.

Ethan develops his camera roll in another scene and as he’s doing it, there are photos on it that he didn’t take. Ones of him laying in compromising positions with Terry. Again, are these ever fully utilized? Nope. He gets in bed with Annie and they sort of make a truce because they don’t want to fight and both want answers more. He’s already encouraged her to use the tracker on his phone if she doesn’t trust him.

Now I really don’t remember the order of what happens next but eventually, Ethan gets a phone call from Charlie. Charlie tells him that Jackson accused him of being dangerous and there are bruises on his legs. Ethan says how Jackson gave those to himself and then Charlie hits him with a separate accusation about how Ethan was inappropriate with girls and that there were photos. Ethan unintentionally admits to the existence of photos, which is enough for Charlie to fire him. Glass houses, am I right?

Ethan is on a quest for answers as well as other paying work. He’s not even qualified enough to work as a waiter and at some point, he confronts Jackson who’s waiting for him on a busy street to stay away from him and his family. Jackson asked if Ethan meant what he said about him and Jackson, ever the dummy, says he did. Jackson is resolved to ruin his life and Jackson physically pushes him before the cousin intervenes. Later, Ethan is brought in for some questioning because there was video of Jackson getting assaulted in an alley and he accused Ethan. Ethan says he didn’t do it & it was probably Jackson’s cousin. They asked Ethan’s whereabouts the previous night and I don’t recall when this was exactly, it may be when he was going through the photographs. He doesn’t answer but is brought to a separate interrogation room. As he goes by a separate room, Annie is comforting Jackson for no apparent reason. Like, how that makes sense is beyond me. The police tell Ethan not to leave town & he agrees that he wants this resolved and his life back.

Eventually in a later scene, he tells Jackson that he’s ruined his life. He starts trying to find more answers by 1) going back to the mansion and 2) returning to the brownstone. At the mansion, he is hiding in the bushes and sees another group of people pull up out front. He asks if they’re staying there and the man says it’s his house. Ethan asks if they’re renting it and if they know where Jackson is, but the guy doesn’t know a Jackson and says they’ve been away or something. Ethan says that he’s stayed there the past week, which creeps the man out. The man tries to usher him off the property when a girl comes out and it’s Terry, who they immediately make eye contact. So Jackson had her help with the setting etc. The man pushes Ethan off the property and he goes back to the brownstone to find evidence of his drugging for a restraining order. He finds a strawberry under the couch, but this dipshit doesn’t consider that wealthy people will have in-house security. The police show up and he’s thrown in a cell.

**Mention of Suicide**

Jumping around again, at some point he and Annie are talking. I’m not sure when, but she finds out about a girl named Rachel. I don’t remember how she found out because as I said in my non-spoiler post, this movie was all over the damn place. This Rachel died under mysterious circumstances years ago. At least five or six years, maybe? Ethan eventually admits that they “had a fling”, but Rachel took her own life. Annie asked if it was an affair but basically he said Rachel was just in a marriage on paper. She and her husband weren’t in love. Annie is alarmed that Ethan wouldn’t think to mention any of it before and he says that he tried to forget it and it’s not the most natural thing to bring up in conversation. Annie discovers that he was also questioned and basically says she can’t be around him right now because all of the stress isn’t good for the baby. She kicks him out of their home.

Ethan spirals. He’s living in his car and drinking booze etc. (Just like his dad, I guess *eye roll*) Annie talks to that same friend about the situation and pulled up old articles about the situation and the friend is sort of on Ethan’s side in terms of how it’s a hard thing to mention casually etc. The friend asks Annie again if she still has the tracker on Ethan’s phone, which she confirms since she’s still not trusting him. Ethan eventually gets a call from Jackson saying they’d be able to end this cat and mouse deal if Ethan meets him at the place where Rachel died.

Now, full disclaimer: I don’t remember if Jackson was the one who told Annie about Rachel or what the deal was here. But the “big discovery” is that Rachel was actually Jackson’s mother. So when Ethan shows up where Rachel died, Jackson reveals that he shouldn’t actually know where she died. Even though Rachel’s body washed up in the body of water, she didn’t die from drowning. There was no water in her lungs. He head was slammed down so hard on the planks down by the water that it chipped it, so she was already dead when she was thrown into the water. The only people with access to that knowledge were the police, Jackson and his father after they were given the police report, and the murderer. Ethan says it’s not a leap to know where she died because of the water patterns and where she washed up or whatever. Anyway, it was flimsy.

Soon thereafter, Ethan gets a conk on the head. He wakes up in a house and there’s Jackson and the cousin. The cousin is all too eager to kill Ethan, but Jackson wants answers. Ethan starts by saying he didn’t see and/or talk to Rachel the night that she died. Then he says they only talked over the phone. Then under threat of death, he eventually drops the party line that “Rachel” wasn’t that serious of a relationship. He admits that it was more than a fling. That Rachel was obsessed with him and wanted one more night with him & then he agreed. That’s when Jackson revealed he had Rachel’s old journals where she wrote about Ethan. How he started off cute but was obsessive & always like a puppy dog, so needy. How he was a “loser” etc. Ethan unravels further and then just sort of snaps.

Another disclaimer: I don’t remember when we found out, but we did at some point learn that Jackson’s father died three years ago. I think when Ethan’s in the interrogation room. So that dude that he talked to? Another of Jackson’s players, but one that was never explained.

Anyway, Ethan goes to attack Jackson but the cousin tackles him. He’s got like a fire poker to turn logs or something. Eventually, Ethan gets him in a chokehold with it as Jackson runs up the stairs. He suffocates and kills the cousin & then starts hunting for Jackson (who he, for the record, knew existed when he was with Rachel but said he thought his name was Charlie or something - it made no sense).

The scene at some point transitions to Annie, who’s laying in bed. She looks at her phone and sees her Ethan GPS and is wondering what he’s doing.

It goes back to the other two. Jackson is running around and hiding and crying as Ethan hunts for him. At one point, Ethan’s like “I should’ve realize who you are, you look just like her.” LOL alright. They end up down by the water with Jackson hiding beneath the wooden boards on the stairs that would lead to water. Jackson finally approaches him and is using the fire poker to bang & attempt to scare him etc. He’s admitting how he killed Rachel (it’s basically a “crime of passion”) and how now Jackson will die where she died. That’s when Annie announces her presence & Ethan, in true sociopath form, turns to face her and act like none of what she just heard him say is true. The close-up here of Garrett’s performance is probably the one that I liked the most in the film since it’s basically him crying and totally devoid of genuine remorse yet he still manages to look melancholy. He has his whole monologue and then you hear a gunshot.

That’s the moment from the preview where you see Jackson with the gun as a close-up. He sort of shot him just below the shoulder? I guess it was meant to be the heart. Eventually, Ethan falls down and into the water (foreshadowing from earlier?). The big foreshadowing I found was the relevance of phones working best near water (i.e.: cell service by pool, GPS by waterfront). That was probably the least heavy-handed and well approached part of the script.

The scene shifts to Jackson and Annie sort of in a stupor as the police work around them. Eventually, Jackson is looking out the window like we saw in the promotional stills. Annie comes up from behind him and asks whether the cops found Ethan’s body. Jackson shakes his head no and it’s kinda like, “Uh, okay what isn’t being said here?” Because they did have scuba divers going down for him. So that was sort of ambiguous. Then she made some random remark about living your life around people and not really knowing them.

The camera sort of pans out to a wide shot of their backs as they look out on the horizon and Ethan’s voiceover is heard. He’s giving a more full answer to the woman who asked him originally what his method of tutoring entailed. I cannot even begin to tell you what he said because by that point I was like, this is an 1.5 of my life that I’m never getting back LOL. But it ended with a close-up of him smiling at the camera, then turning creepy serious.

Fin

[horridly-plagued]

Boundaries Post!

This is more so for the future rather than it is for anything else, I don’t exactly think any of this has happened to me personally (not yet a least and hopefully not at all) but I like to cover my ground in salt so I don’t slip on ice later if you catch my drift!

Please always keep in mind this is a kink blog and will probably never stop being that so. Idk if you want more then that I don’t have much to offer I use tumblr for 1 thing and that’s pretty much this.

Small intro, hi there my name is what I’ll say is Auggie for right now I always use He/Him I’m trans and I’m 19 years old until December. I’m a bit of a nerd when it comes to medicine, fandom, etc. if you find this blog and you know me IRL tell me so I can make fun of you for being on this side of Tumblr you most definitely didn’t get here looking at holy imagery. I consider myself pretty blunt, and dry personality wise. I try to make it a little better or easier to understand me but my tone has always been my downfall. Fun facts about me, I’m a nursing student (ironic isn’t it), I’m an artist, and I’ve been a huge theater nerd for years now.

ANYWAYS BOUNDARIES

Don’t misgender me that’s a given if you do uhm I’ll probably just block you. I don’t even sound like a women at this point I’ve been on T for like a year now don’t make yourself look like an idiot.

Racism homophobia, etc isn’t really accepted here. For obvious reasons.

Flirting is acceptable just don’t expect much of a reaction

Im a playful guy if you joke with me I joke in a pretty rough way don’t joke rough if you can’t handle a punch back it’s all in good fun but I don’t like hurting feelings.

Feel free to message me just don’t be creepy im a human at the end of the day and so are you don’t act like a dog.

No asking about personal stuff. I’ll laugh at you I am not giving anyone anything to be able to find me! THIS IS A DIGITAL FOOTPRINT I AM NOT WILLING TO OWN UP TO (unless you are a friend irl in which you can test that on your own.)

Im pretty responsive to anyone so if you are friendly and just looking to chat im always happy to reply. (I think I said this before)

Im autistic I don’t expect special treatment for it but if you see autistic behavior from an autistic person if it’s not negative dont point it out. It’s embarrassing.

IF YOU DONT LIKE HEARING ME RAMBLE FOR 200 YEARS MY PAGE ISNT FOR YOU (im known for my inability to shut the hell up)

I don’t think this will come up but just for good measures I don’t like politics and won’t talk much about them. I’m an anarchist punk 💀 I don’t think you want to talk to me about that so let’s steer clear of that pathway.

Teehee besides that uhm we are pretty chill.

OH IG YEAH IF YOU ARE A MINOR LEAVE WHY ARE YOU HERE 💀🙏 please get the fuck away (in a nice way you don’t need to be here this young be a kiddo please…)

[cant-get-no-worse]

HI CIENE !!!!

i love love love your blog. seriously as a post wc footy fan (disculpe, por favor 💀🙏🏼) im trying to catch up on footy history & politics blah blah. you explain everything so beautifully, like you could rival tifo football on youtube. dead serious.

anyway, i wanted to ask if you could explain the whole neymar tryna sue barça episode bc im clueless there and coolers on twitter dot com are usless. ( not reshad tho !!! he’s so 😍 )

Hello love!! It's so sweet, thank you. I'm delighted to read my years of being shoved down this club's inability to keep finances and politics straight are proving themselves useful. 💀 And never apologize for becoming a footy fan recently; WCs are always wonderful in bringing new interest to the sport, they keep it fresh! Also, Reshad's one of the few Barça sources that usually doesn't get on my nerves, so. Kudos!

Anyways. I don't claim to have all the facts straights because I really don't, I'm just putting out there the very general ideas of what went down and my understanding of them. In today's episode: FC Barcelona, Neymar, Neymar's father, PSG, contracts clauses, and a lotta money. It is, after all, a rich man's world. Buckle up.

2013 : Neymar moves from Santos (Brazilian league) to FC Barcelona (Spanish league). Start of the problems.

See, it wasn’t a regular transfer. Initially, Neymar was set to go to Real Madrid; he’d even already passed medical tests. But Sandro Rosell (Barcelona then-President) bribed Neymar’s agent (his father. Very bright idea.) with some heavy fat checks. Neymar then signed to Barcelona. There were also some other movements which I’ll not get into.

What is important to retain from this is that Barcelona declared, in 2013, that Neymar's transfer from Santos costed FCB €50M (or something akin). But oh, color me surprised, they obviously didn’t declare the various amount of bribes and other money movements that had gone in to deter Neymar’s agent from Madrid and to bring the player to Barcelona.

Cause, ya know. That’s some sketchy stuff. You could also quite boldly say it’s illegal.

That’s where DIS Esporte, a company who “owned” Neymar (meaning : they were entitled to 40% of Neymar’s transfer rights) comes into play. DIS Esporte filed a lawsuit in late 2013/2014, claiming that they indeed had been paid 40% of the €50M declared transfer, but they believed the transfer didn’t cost only €50M (due to the bribes and such), and thus they were entitled to 40% of what the transfer actually costed.

A case was opened – this wasn’t small matter, Sandro Rosell (Barça Presi) resigned in 2014 due to the scandal - and it was finally settled before a judge that the €50M declaration was false, and the real transfer fee was more around the 70M/80M. Oops. Barcelona was eventually charged to pay some millions of compensation to close the case altogether.

Little did they know this was just the first taste of the Neymar financial issues and lawsuits ™.

October 2016 : Neymar signs a renewal contract binding him until 2021 with FC Barcelona. Everything’s happy and shiny, he’s Messi's successor, he's hot and successful, set to help his club win more UCLs, probably snatch a Ballon d’Or or two on the way, and continue to play in a swashbuckling style with his best buddies from Argentine and Uruguay.

The renewal contract includes several clauses, as do all such things, and most notably loyalty bonuses (money the player collects at the end of his contract). The loyalty bonuses of Neymar’s contract are around €43M, and since his release clause is an astronomical €222M, no way he’ll get out of the club lmfao.

July 2017 : Neymar gets out of the club.

In an unprecedented move in the football transfer world which leaves the market value of players forever changed for the worse, it is announced that PSG (French league) paid the €222M release clause with some good ol' Qatari money. The move in itself is subject to sketchy stuff, having been paid to FCB itself and not La Liga, but we're not gonna go into that cause na. Neymar himself announces, via a tearful Instagram video, that he is indeed leaving Barcelona.

Now, by the time rumors of his departure came around in May/June/July 2017, FC Barcelona had already paid €14M (out of the total €43M loyalty bonuses) to Neymar. Upon learning Neymar was actually entertaining the idea to leave, and then upon the actual €222M buying from PSG, the club stops the payment, thus not completing the initially agreed €43M sum, since they consider that, by leaving, Neymar hasn’t fulfilled his loyalty clause and thus isn’t entitled to receive any money from them.

An infamous se queda, some splendid social media trolling, a farewell dinner, the launch of a cold war from the FCB players against the board that was to last several years, some pretty creative insults and a life-time resentment being forged later, it’s August 2017.

August 2017 : Cicadas are singing, Despacito (feat Justin Bieber) is assaulting the eardrums of every unwilling car driver, and Neymar (or Neymar’s side, we don’t know from who the initiative came from) tries to sue Barcelona and ask them for the remaining €29M they claim he is owed from the loyalty bonuses.

FCB immediately respond by suing him back for breach of contract. Though they don’t only ask for him to drop the suing for the remaining €29M, naa. They also ask for him to return the €14M of the loyalty clause that had already been paid to him + 10% for delayed payment of said €14M + €8.5M in damages.

2019 summer transfer window : Amidst everything, Neymar and FC Barcelona reties links.

Funny how quick business relationship can change when it’s in everyone’s benefits.

Neymar wants out of PSG, is even willing to pay himself out from his own pocket, FCB is all the more willing to try and get him back after their spectacular UCL fumble. However, the deal fails, PSG don’t want to let him go, FC Barcelona fall short of a few millions to buy him out, and Neymar stays.

February 2020 : Lo and behold! A wild, shiny new lawsuit has appeared! And guess what? It’s all linked to the messy 2013 transfer from Santos! Just when ya think the skeletons are buried, a closet is kicked open.

Neymar’s side, this time, sues FC Barcelona for contingency payments who helped him move from Santos to FCB: essentially, they want some €7M more. So, you got two cases launched against FCB by Neymar’s side.

 June/July 2020 : The cases are presented before a judge in the High Court of Justice of Catalonia. A place Neymar starts to get familiar with. A place Leo Messi also got to know! Ah, football players’ agents and the wonderful, luring world of tax evasion.

Anyways, back to the loyalty bonuses. It’s finally ruled that Neymar has indeed breached his contract, and is therefore ordered by court to pay €6.7M to FC Barcelona.

Oh, wow. Thank God this whole circus is finished.

July 2020 : Neymar’s side appeals.

November 2020 : Now, if you sum up everything that Neymar’s side ask from Barcelona, you get the charming sum of almost €60M.

July 2021 : After many trials and tribulations, it is finally made public by the club that all cases and suing have been resolved amicably between the club and the player outside of court.

Read: huge amount of cash and verbal accords because, presumably, everyone got tired and saw they wouldn’t benefit neither financially nor image wise from the current situation.

And so, they lived happily ever after.

Or till the next summer transfer window.

[jortschronicles]

Dressing the Despencers

Another post that's more of a costuming diary than anything else, to be added to as I get further in the process.

BACKGROUND

Since 2016 in the Medieval Fair of Norman (my gateway drug to the SCA) I have been cast as a street character named Margery Arkewright, the ditzy, excitable, joyful shepherdess of Avalon best known for her frequent proclamations that she is the Best Shepherdess in All of Avalon (the only shepherdess there) and her inability to keep track of her sheep. I could probably write an entire book about the development of Margery as a character from "<Mundane Name> - peasant townswoman" to the beloved sheep lady, and how that growth has helped me find myself as a person, but that's for another post. The original goal of Margery was to be as brightly colored and loud as I could be allowed. Pictured below are the original outfit I made in 2016 (with the wool blend felt "cloak" i regularly wore when chilly or to just have a huge storage pocket), and the updates to the outfit as of 2023. Even in that short time, I've grown as a costumer and amateur historian. If nothing else, I know how to put my sleeves in right and I know how to cover my hair so it doesn't get icky at the fair.

Being Margery has been a joy, but Margery takes a lot of energy that I just don't have anymore. In discussion with my casting director, we've put Margery on the shelf for a year or so to age like a fine wine, so when she comes back I can be a little less bouncy and not have it be as much of a shock. As far as the town is concerned, Margery is off trying to woo one of those muscley Bretons in the fleet of Captain Jeanne di Clisson. She'll be back.

On top of everything, I accidentally stepped into the position of Costuming Director at least in an interim. I've been handed certain goals to push for improved costuming standards across the board, as well as implementing some specific standards to improve readability to the audience.

DESIGN

In the meantime, I'm taking a step back to play a member of the court of Edward of Woodstock, Crown Prince of England, war hero and darling of the kingdom. For the time being, I am Baroness Elizabeth Burghersh, First Baroness Despencer. I decided to take the chance to really up my 14th century garb game with some Noblewomen's garb. I knew I had some lovely navy blue satin in stash that had just the right drape I wanted, and dug around to find some fabric with similar drape so I could make some particolor.

<insert picture of test wash>

I wanted to incorporate some of Elizabeth's armory as in 1369 (9 years after the medieval fair of norman is set) she inherits the title of Baroness Burghersh and is a heraldic heiress in her own right. I also have some red polycotton velvet that i wouldn't want to wear all over, but I would be more than willing to wear it on hems or cuffs. Some of the big pushes we're making in costuming direction are more heraldic designs, more silhouette varieties, more historical cuts and designs, more couples with coordinated outfits, and restricting large swaths of true crimson to the immediate royal family to improve readability to the public. My initial design below includes gold double-queued lions from the Burghersh along the hem. Shortly after, I adjusted the design to my formal submission (to my committee, I don't like the idea of approving my own stuff) on the right: the lions on lozenges, fitchets in the gown, tippets, and a wimple.

As it currently stands, a pair of new cast members are playing my "husband", Baron Edward Despencer and his brother, Thomas Despencer. Due to their inexperience with both med fair and costuming, I offered to make at least one tunic for Edward in exchange for creative control of the outfits. Due to a very limited quantity of this blue satin, I'm going for a particolor gown for myself buttoned halfway down, and using what's left on the false sleeves for Edward's cotehardie. I want to use a similar-- probably not the same-- bronze on the cotehardie for Thomas, and use green false sleeves. I really wanted to incorporate their family arms, but dear god they're miserable to depict.

I included headwear options to provide the boys with some suggestions and some embroidery options to dress up their cotehardies. The second version, below, should be a hot day version on the off chance we have a truly miserably hot day at fair. Fewer layers, and all linen.

I've got hand me down tippets and an oval linen veil to use for a wimple / veil combo, that I added a gorget of a 2x3'linen rectangle using this method to secure.

Halldora obtained a light weight, barely opaque creamy white silk for me to make a new wimple / veil combo that has more of the drape I really want to have. My problem is I'm obsessed with the fillet + gorget style of wimple with ramshorns braids, but some kind of scalp covering is practically mandatory with our role in the NMF. Sunburn on the scalp is miserable, and direct sun on the scalp can exacerbate symptoms of heat exhaustion, and I'm not looking for my third heatstroke.

Barring this, I am working with the other directors to obtain new and improved crowns for our royal family to justify a fancied up filette/barbette combo inspired by the fabric coronets our court baron/esses in Ansteorra tend to wear. While the pointed coronets of Ansteorran court nobility may be out of period for my goal here, I think adding some embroidery, pearls, cabochons, and the embroidered horribleterrible despencer arms (seen at the top of this post) may dress up Elizabeth Despencer even more. This is all pending new crowns for our royal family, of course, as a big goal is readability and identifiability for the average patron.

CONSTRUCTION

I have begun drafting the undergown using Morgan Donner's supportive kirtle tutorial. As someone who hates shapes and struggles with tailoring, the first pass at this was already impressively fitted. By round 2, I made the armscye a little larger. For the third round of fitting, I added a small kite shaped gusset to the armpit and rolled the shoulders back further onto my body.

I made one last sanity check that the blue polysatin had sufficient yardage to make both Elizabeth and Edward Despencer coordinating outfits, and was satisfied with the resulting layout. One whole gore to go on the side, and two half gores, one each for the front and back.

In a fit of utter hubris, I decided I would completely hand sew this supportive underkirtle, a little bit to prove a point but also largely so I had something to work on during NMF rehearsals and Pathfinder games. I am using a single layer of medium weight linen, with a second layer of the same around the torso for reinforcement and to make everything lie just a little nicer. At the advice of Asa in Blindi, I have been finishing seams as I work, especially along edges I already know to be fitted as needed. One final double check on fitting before I secure sleeve seams, which will be obnoxious to undo--

I'm satisfied. It's not perfect, and I'll tighten the cuff some more and get rid of the back pucker on the outer garment, but I'm rather pleased with this. I did not think i would do gores in the front as historically I don't really like the silhouette it gives me, but this outfit was just begging for full, huge skirts, so I scurried back to the workshop to piecework another gore together, just for the front. Now I'm working on the eyelets, which I'm poking through with a sharp bone awl and widening with a us7 knitting needle. I'm sewing each eyelet with 2 strands of dmc embroidery floss.

I'd originally wanted to lucet some lacing for this gown but mastering tension on crochet thread is eluding me, so I am doing a 7 strand kumihimo braid in white size 10 crochet thread, using these aglets to cap either end rather than my nice ones from Bad Baroness.

Things I've learned so far:

The smallest measurement on my torso is NOT where I thought it is

French seams make hand sewing less miserable to do

Waxing your thread (with a little cake of beeswax) is worth every second and makes life so much easier. And periodically you should run a flame over the sides of the cake so it doesn't start flaking and falling apart

It's worth working with shorter pieces of thread you have to secure more often, i now max out at 2/3 of my armspan for thread lengths

knots are for scrubs, sew 2 stitches in the opposite direction of your intended seam and live your best life

[icharchivist]

The fmk bonus round: Would all of Icha's accumulated husbands get along though?

Actually, you're probably fine. Wilnas is going to make sure Lu-Woh is nice to the rest of them

He is also conveniently immune to Belial's innuendos and Percy's prickliness

As a nice bonus, maybe Vane will teach Wilnas to cook and Lucifer and Lu-Woh are having a pleasant conversation over a cup of coffee

Time to dust out this meme i made at the time Old Bonds came out:

MORE SERIOUSLY (as seriously as this ask calls for at least), yeah i think they'd get along alright.

The biggest problem makers in the husband squads are Belial causing problem on purpose and Percival's thin patience, Wilnas and Lu Woh adding to the gang won't change much about it all.

Wilnas perhaps would be a little too much like Vane and it could irritate Percival (especially also because it means there are TWO lords of fire in this house), but it could work out, especially if Vane decide to take Wilnas under his cooking wing.

I'd say it turns the kitchen into a nightmare and Vane's patience may be tested by Wilnas's inability to work out heat cooking (re, the meme), but eventually Wilnas can learn something without breaking Vane's spirit. perhaps.

Meanwhile i feel like Percival would get along with Lu Woh. Kinda "being the Straight Man (in a comedy sense) around foolish ones" and the whole tsundere exterior would eventually have them understand each other very easily.

And Lu Woh and Lucifer would probably get along very well, especially with how Lu Woh is down to take down Bahamut these days, and Lucifer is the only one who could get to have Bahamut listen to him in recent centuries. Lu Woh could probably learn a lot from it and further his agenda, and well, Lucifer has already killed his own creator before, Lu Woh is doomed to find it interesting.

As for Belial he'll probably still be his slutty self anyway. I could see him get on Lu Woh's nerves ("this is like Fediel but worse.").

As for Wilnas i feel like Wilnas would be too oblivious to Belial's innuendos stuff and he'd just try to have a good time dragging Belial with him in the kitchen or something. Though the moment Wilnas ends up being fully naked in the kitchen with nothing but an apron because "it would be an insult to Skyfarer if i was to stain my clothes while cooking so this is the alternative" i feel like Belial's head would run wild with ideas on how to utilize it at its fullest. From this moment and onward, Belial is going full on "Emperor's New Clothes" on Wilnas and see just how far he can convince Wilnas to be naked on most days. (he can go very far. Lu Woh is the only person trying to stop a disaster.)

So. All in all. quite lively in the husband house still. Send help.

[yearofradicalselfbelief]

Part Two - 10/09/23

CW: discussions of anxiety and depression.

Days after posting my last post, I was struck down with what I’m 90% sure is the new severe variant of everybody’s favourite virus. I’ve had it twice before – the first time I was a bit tired and a bit warm, and that was it. The second time I was a little bit worse, and it turns out the third time is not the charm because this time I genuinely thought I was going to fucking die. I couldn’t sip water without puking it up, which made it worse because not only could I then not take any painkillers to help with the insane fever, I couldn’t take my mental health meds either. Even once there was nothing in my stomach I was still puking, I ended up being able to stomach one meal in three days, and I lost well over five pounds in five days, through sheer inability to keep food down/how much my body was burning through its stores to try and get rid of this thing.

I’ve never been so sick in my fucking life, my brother was the same, and by day four we were like weary soldiers in the trenches, trading war stories and swapping electrolyte tablets and paracetamol for morale. But it wasn’t all bad – she says now that she’s not spending the bulk of her day hunched over a bin – because in the midst of the fever, when I was feeling too dire to sleep but also too dire to do literally anything but curl up on my bed in silence, I was pretty much at the mercy of wherever my mind took me, without any of the layers of stuff we tend to have when we’re awake and alert that self-edits those streams of consciousness based on shit like ego and what we think we should be thinking.

Full disclosure, though, I’m well aware of how *fake deep* this is about to sound, but it’s what my brain gave me as I floated through it.

I saw myself as being made up of three sort of parts – one of those parts being real, and two being things foisted upon me, that I carried around, but weren’t real. The first part, the outermost part, was this sort of anxious, shrinking meek little dormouse that wanted nothing less than to be noticed in any way, shape, or form. That’s who I default to being in most cases – it’s like a security blanket. The next part is one layer below, but it’s no less disingenuous – and that’s a whole lot of bitterness and defensiveness and cynicism. The depression to the first part’s anxiety.

Then, after that, is actually me. The person who just wants to learn everything she can, and do her best, and live. The person who has to fight through those two layers to manage any of that in the first place. It sounds daft writing it down, but it just was a moment of such clarity, and there was a lot of relief in sort of realising that these first two aspects were things that I’d learned, or had been foisted upon me – either directly, by people who are or once were in my life, or indirectly - adopted in response to shit I’ve been through. It doesn’t make them any easier to put down, but there was a relief in that realisation on its own.

The thing is, I’ve always been anxious, and I’ve always been depressed. When I was a kid, I regularly had fainting spells because of it, including one in the middle of a class, long before I’d even first heard the word “anxiety”, much less being aware that it was a formal diagnosis. It took countless doctor visits and blood tests being done before anybody even thought to turn to the possibility that the cause could be mental, and not physical. Even as far as the depression was concerned, by the time I was ten, it wasn’t uncommon for one of my parents to find me lying on my bed, in silence, in the dark, and when they asked me what I was doing I’d simply say that I felt fed up, because I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe something that I should have been much too young to feel.

It's not like they’re new things that I suddenly find myself having to get over. It’s not as if they’re new hurdles. I just don’t remember a time when they didn’t actively stop me from doing things as much as they seem to do now. I don’t remember always being this sort of shy, shrinking, nervous little thing that I suddenly feel like I am now, and I’m not okay with being that person any longer. It’s not me, and I know it’s not me, but it’s a mask I can never quite manage to drop when it automatically slots itself into place, and it’s fucking unbearable.

I’ve always been scared, and I always joke about how many years anxiety has probably taken off of my life at this point, but I used to be so, so much better at acting in spite of that. Even before I finally found a doctor who listened to me and medicated me. Now it feels like I never do act in spite of it, at least not to the extent I’d like to, and it gets the better of me more than I’d like. And then I’m harsher on myself than I once was over that fact.

To an extent, it is understandable. A hell of a lot of shit has happened to me between now and then, and if anything, the way it’s gotten worse is natural. I think few people could’ve gone through what I’ve gone through and handled it as well as I have, even if I’m critical of how well I have handled it based on some pretty unrealistic expectations of myself. But I feel like the more I let it get the better of me, the more I allow it to control me, the more I concede victory to every asshole who contributed to its worsening over the last eight years.

The funny part is, too, I can honestly say that I’m happy all of it happened. Not in a “woo, let’s throw a party about it” way – but in that I’m in a place where I can say I learned from all of it, I can see why it had to happened, and I wouldn’t want to part from a single lesson I learned from it all. It also ended up with me in a much healthier situation than I was once in, in a city that is far better for me than my old one. It could not have worked out better, now that I’m on the other side of it, as far as external factors are concerned.

It's just the internal ones that need addressing. When I moved here, I started exhibiting signs of C-PTSD – which, again, is unsurprising. My last therapist dead ass said to me “you’ve spent your whole life being shoved from trauma to trauma”, and she told me that before she broke the news to me that the one parent I had left in my life was abusive as fuck, and the only reason I hadn’t seen it yet was because the other had been so much more obvious about it that they made the one still around look like a saint in comparison – whereas they were actually more insidious. The homelessness then followed about a year later. So I think I more than fucking earned those symptoms. And I let myself have a year to just breathe and recover and exist without harassing myself to do better and be better and find better. But now I feel like I’ve finally woken up, and it’s time to start moving forward, and finding a way of doing that isn’t as simple as clicking my fingers and letting all of the mental shit vanish.

A goal without a plan is just a dream. I think that’s how the saying goes. I’ve seen it plastered around Instagram enough times, I should probably know for sure by now. Or at least not be too lazy to google it and find out – but I don’t want to mess up my algorithm with that. Next thing you know, the search engine will be recommending Live, Laugh, Love pillows to me. There’s no coming back from that sort of thing.

Anyway, my original point stands. It’s all well and good for me to make a fancy new side blog and decide things are going to magically be different, but sheer force of willpower without actually changing anything won’t do much good, and this little resolution will fizzle out into one of those typical ‘it’s 2am and I’m going to revamp my entire life’ moments.

So I need to decide how I’m going to do that, and next time I post it'll be with the game-plan that I'm working on. I need to decide how I’m going to actually start fucking rooting for myself and believing in myself again. And it’s not going to be easy.

But I deserve it, and it’s going to be worth it.