#my personal opinion to help with that small internal suffering is to add a little mix up to your day

[daily-ghostly-goobs]

Orange multi-emoji here I was dying internally but then I realized that your acc exists so I’m here again

🦇👾🫵🏾

🫁🪡🪿

Anywho I could go on but I decided that was a little to cruel for yous so your welcome! :}

DAY 126 - WIZARD (Click for better quality)

Thanks for the suggestion! I actually needed to think of a scenario where all SIX (Six!) of the emojis play a crucial role, and so I dub thee: Wizard Goose With Weirdly Humanoid Hands Uses Virus (Virus? Retro enemy? Arcade figure? Space invader sprite.) Magic To Take A Sewing Needle Out Of The Lungs Of A Bat Who Got Maybe A Little Too Enthusiastic About Sewing/Knitting/Crocheting (Seriously what do you do with a sewing needle I’m uncultured with this)

[detroitbydark]

Character: Commander Fox x Reader

Warnings: none

Summary: Secretary!reader finds herself wanting to help her Commander. It's her job. It certainly is not because she's got a foolish crush. The Commander certainly doesn't feel the same...

A/N: Unpopular opinion: I love Fox. Our dear Commander gets far too much hate and not enough fics. I'm going to do my part to correct that. I hope you enjoy it! Let me know what you think and if I should write more.  

------

The datapad has been loaded to the brim-reports, warrants, requisitions, schedules, and  guard rotations- awaiting the Commanders attention. You frown as you review the list you’ve uploaded. It’s hours worth of data the Commander will need to review and sign off on. Your not ready to spring it on him. He needed his rest. Since the incident with the Chancellor and the rogue clone trooper, Fives, he seemed to be getting too little of it. 

He’d stumbled in this morning at 0700 sharp- per his normal but the faint scent of fire-water hung in his wake. He’d been out all night again, too regimented to be late, but slipping in his seeming ability to care for himself.

You’d wanted to ask him how he was feeling, to suss out exactly what he needed from you. Though you’d been his personal secretary for nearly a year you still hadn’t figured out how to read his many moods. 

When you’d begin working  for clone Commander Fox he had been so clear and concise with his expectations. He liked his schedule, thrived from it. He required order and regulation. It was your job to keep his day running smoothly. You’d worked hard. Having proven yourself capable he’d reached a point where he seemed to trust you to know what he needed. 

It was anxiety inducing on the best of days. 

You were proud of his trust in you, privately preening over your ability to know what he wanted before he had to say anything but times like these- the times when he’d say not one word to you for days and arrive each morning like he’d come directly from the cantina, that you wished you had just a little more insight. You didn’t want to disappoint. You wanted him to value you, to know that you were needed and important.

You groan quietly. You were pathetic.Your fingers worry the hem of your uniform skirt. It hadn’t taken you more than a week before you’d begun to harbor a crush on the stoic clone and it had only grown worse the longer you sat at the desk outside his office.

This morning you’d let him walk by with only a soft, barely-there greeting slipping past your lips. Commander Fox had given even less in return, merely nodding silently as he’d entered his office. Your shoulders had slumped as his office door had slid shut, only to open again immediately with a quick growl to hold all comms.

You’d spent the morning turning away all attempts to see the Commander. You’d fought back your reserved nature to hold your ground with the pushier inquiries, offering soft promises to his men and higher ups. 

Yes, I’ll make sure Commander Fox knows you need to speak with him

The commander is indisposed right now. Can I take a message for you?

He should be available after lunch Lieutenant Thire. May I schedule for then?

The last, Lieutenant Thire, had let his irritation be known with a huff. You apologized but told him the Commander was taking care of very important matters. His look had been skeptical as he’d turned and left the office, his helmet held tightly under his arm.

 It was nearly lunchtime now and you’d not seen hide nor hair of your boss. You’d hoped, given some time, the Commander would be able to work past the hangover you were sure he had and rejoin the world of the living, knowing for a fact that you wouldn’t be able to put off the list of inquiries into his whereabouts much past the lunch hour. So you did what you did best and set to work making things run smooth. You sent an intern, the son of a well to do senator who was looking to add GAR experience to his application for the naval academy to his resume, to grab lunch with a few spare credits from your pocketbook.

When he returned you fixed a tray. balancing a mug of black caf, nuclear hot, and a Shawda club sandwich on the tray in one hand and the loaded datapad under your arm as you knock once on the Commander’s door. You frown, the scowl feeling as if it’s becoming permanent whenever Commander Fox was in your thoughts as of late. You use your hip to bump the control panel, silently moving into the darkened room as the door slides open. It closes behind you quickly, leaving you struggling to get a bearing on your surroundings. You blink rapidly for a moment before shutting your eyes entirely to allow them to adjust to the wild change in lighting before you reopen them, able to focus more readily in the low light. The blinds on the low window looking out into the midst of Coruscant are pulled tight with only a small sliver of light filtering through.

He’s sitting straight, feet on the floor and hands flat on his desk. You’d learned quickly that The Commander rarely if ever seemed to relax, at least not when you or other civilians were around. You’d walked on him and Thire a few months ago, joking and laughing with one another. The difference had been stark. His posture loose and relaxed compared to the stiff controlled way he held himself now.  He glances up, helmet still firmly in place. The blank black visor follows your movements as you pad softly across the room.

“I’ve brought you a little something.” You mumble setting the small tray down in front of him. The helmet flows from the sandwich and caf back up to you.

“I would have been fine with a ration pack.” His voice is a low rumble. Not quite disapproving but not particularly warm either. You’re sure it’s not meant to sound discouraging. He’s just pointing out a fact. Still, you feel your heart sink. You’d never worked for such a hard person to read and your natural inclination was toward pleasing those around you. Sometimes it felt like the harder you tried the colder he became.

“Yes, of-of course Sir.” You fumble, “I just thought you deserved something with a little more substance. It’s from Dex’s.” You say as if explanation.  A weak smile crosses your face. “I’ve also got some stims” you reach into your pocket for the packet and slidie it across his desk before he has time to say anything.

“Do I look like I need stims, Little Mouse?”

Little Mouse.

He’d taken to calling you the nickname after he’d heard some of the men referring to you as the little mouse scurrying about his office. It was embarrassing- except when it came from Fox’s lips. Something about it made your belly twist in the most delightful way.

Fox’s chair swivels to the side and you're both relieved and disappointed when his attention is no longer focused on you and instead on the ribbons of light filtering in through the window. He pushes the stim packet back toward you And waves his gloved hand dismissively.

“What else have you got for me, Mouse?”

You hesitate for a moment as he holds his hand out impatiently. You slide the datapad into his hand. Your fingers brush against his gloved ones. You quickly pull away. The commander's helmet cocks slightly and though you can’t see his eyes you feel his gaze on you assessingly.

You clear your throat. Something about the Commander has always made you nervous. Maybe it was the way he carried himself, competent and prideful, the air about him like he could take on the world and win.

“Sir, you really should use the stims. You’ve got a full schedule of meetings this afternoon and that’s before you have drills and range time scheduled-“

He holds up his hand and you stop short.

“It's just a headache. I don’t need stims.”

“But they’d help”

“Y/N” his voice his sharp and you swallow hard, “I said-“

“I could help then!” The words have left your mouth before you’d even had time to weigh the pros and cons of them. You’re just a shocked as the Commander at your sudden outburst.

Fox reaches up to his helmet and you hear the soft hiss of release before he’s pulling it over his head. Dark circles sit under his eyes. He looks exhausted. 

And gorgeous. 

Even with the uncharacteristic shadow of facial hair and weariness seeping from his pores he was absolutely captivating. 

The sharp cut of his jaw and the warm brown hue of his eyes draw your attention like they did everytime you’d gotten a glimpse of him. You don’t know where to look as you try to burn a few more details of the Commanders face into your memory banks to be pulled up and reviewed at a later time.

“How do you propose making my headache, go away?” He questions with a raised brow.

Your legs feel stiff as you move closer. His eyes are locked in your every step. “My Mama used to get horrible headaches” you begin softly “used to need to lay in a dark room and suffer through them till they let her be. I learned a few tricks over the years to help her. I c-could see if they work for you?”

“Tricks?” He chuckles, “wielding a bit of the Force, Little Mouse? Should I call the Temple and tell them they’ve misplaced one of their Jedi?”

Your eyes dip and your cheeks burn. You shouldn’t have said anything. You shouldn’t speak out of turn with the Commander. You-

“You all talk now?” His voice has softened and you're even more embarrassed. He feels like he’s got to handle you with kid gloves. You can feel it in the way his words flow over your skin. You’re supposed to be a reflection of him. How could you help him maintain-

“Little Mouse, get out of your head.” 

You look up at the order and glimpse satisfaction roll across his face.

“Come here and heal me if you will” You hear the teasing tone to his voice and you swallow hard before moving to comply. This was your idea after all. You could be useful. Helpful. 

You move around the desk slowly, keeping your eyes locked on the Commander’s. You feel him pick you apart with his gaze. He’s studying you, like a predator waiting for their prey to show a weak point. It’s a sorry line of thinking because suddenly you imagine Commander Fox, your boss, stalking you, his eyes burning with a want that you could only dream he felt for you. you move to his side. Your knee presses into his, bare skin against cool plastoid. 

Your heart flutters, beating against the bars of your chest. If he notices your nerves- and how can he not- he says nothing. Your hands rise slowly, hesitantly. You can not only feel but see your hands tremble as they move closer. You ball them into fists, squeezing until your knuckles go white. You release them just before they come in contact.

He’s warm. It’s the first thing you notice as one hand comes to rest against his forehead and the other cradles the back around where his occipital lobe was located. He kept his hair high and tight, not completely shaved along the sides but so short that it was almost nonexistent. You feel the soft prickle of it at the back of his head. You bite back the urge to run your fingers over it. He seems nearly as tense as you. 

“You need to relax Sir” your encouragement is barely a whisper. Fox inhales deeply, you focus on  the rise and subsequent fall of his shoulders. He repeats it twice more before you’ve seen enough tension drain to begin. 

You place pressure through your palms as if you're trying to bring them together in the middle. The Commander grunts but you’re already relaxing back. You repeat it, pressing your hands toward one another then easing off. The Commander lets out a soft sigh of breath as you continue to repeat the pattern. You’re glad he’s relaxing into your touch because you feel as if you're only growing more tense, nerves balling in your tummy. You’ve never touched him before outside of the accidental flutter of fingers against his own. Now your so close you can feel the heat radiate from his body. He tips his head forward into your hand and turning and repositioning his chair slightly so you suddenly find yourself standing between his spread knees. 

“That’s good, Little Mouse” he hums lowly and the sound shoots straight to your core. You barely have time to wrap your head around the feeling when his hand is coming up to rest at your hip. You squeak out a sound, his grip tightens, “don’t stop.” He orders.

“Yes, S-sir” 

“It’s Fox, Mouse. Call me Fox.”

“Yes Comm- Fox” Your hands continue a gentle pulse of pressure against his head. His thumb begins a series of slow, maddening circles at your hip.

“See that’s not so bad is it.” His voice has gone low, silky like you’ve never heard it. So much more dangerous than the usual gravel of it. “You’re always trying to take care of me, aren’t you, precious girl?”

You open your mouth to say something- anything- when the door slides office door slides open suddenly. You stumble away, as if you’ve been burned by his touch. Fox’s hand drops away but he makes no other indication anything is amiss. You blink dumbly into the bright light backlighting the new arrival.

“Am I interrupting?” Lieutenant Thire’s voice sounds amused as you take another step away and lower your eyes. You mumble a quick excuse and slip toward the door. You hear the Lt. chuckle. Fox’s voice, so much like Thire’s but yet so different calls after you.

“We’ll continue this conversation later, Y/N”

[mork-lee-bee]

Broken Lovers VII

Summary: Y/n is a hopeless romantic in love with someone who will never love her back and Jaehyun is helplessly in love with someone who only continues to hurt him over and over again, sounds like a match made in heaven right?

Pairings: CollegeStudent!Jaehyun X CollegeStudent!Y/N X CollegeStudent!Jaemin

Warnings: cursing,

Genre: angst/fluff/smut

Word count: 2.6 k

Masterlist

Previous

Next

Jaemin drifts out of sleep as he reaches for his phone to hit the snooze button of his alarm that goes off in his room while his roommate mumbles out for him to shut it off. He finally gets it off while his eyes are still closed before his eyes flutter open, hair scattered in every which way as he tries to wake himself up, he drags his body out of bed.

“Need… coffee,” He mumbles to himself as he fumbles around in the dark trying not to wake Jeno up while also trying to find some clothes to change into to meet up with someone. After a struggle in the dark, he finally manages to throw on a clean pair of clothes and head out as Jeno continues to sleep in.

The early hours of the morning means that fewer people were up as Jaemin opens the door to his favorite cafe, his gaze turns to the counter out of habit where he spots someone working but to his dismay, it’s not his favorite barista. Frowning he makes his way over to the counter giving the man his order his usual tone laced with sleepiness.

“Uh, are you sure? This is going to be a strong drink…” The barista warns as Jaemin nods before paying for his drink and looking around the rest of the cafe his eyes landing on the person he was meeting up with, he was wearing a grey hoodie and sipping on an iced coffee his eyes closed trying to savor sleep.

“Hey, Johnny,” The blue-haired boy greets his fellow photography club member who slowly opens his eyes as he motions to the seat in front of him.

“Hey, Jaemin,” Johnny offers a sleepy smile as he rubs his eyes. 

“Morning,” The younger of the two mumbles as he waits for the barista to finish making his drink.

“How are you?” Jaemin wonders but his mind is still hyper-focused on coffee as his headache starts approaching as the smell of coffee completely takes over his senses.

“Tired…” Johnny drifts off eyes closing again for a moment before opening up again.

“Then why the hell would you want to meet this early in the morning?” Jaemin asks confused rubbing his temple stealing glances at the barista taking his time when you would have had it done by now.

“I’m super busy like all week, ya know classes, work, the Frat,” Johnny lists off as Jaemin mentally curses him.

“So you decided to make me suffer?” Jaemin sets his head against the table waiting to hear his name like a child.

“Sorry I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t important,” Johnny admits seeing as he’s also exhausted himself.

“What’s more important than sleep?” Jaemin pouts thinking about his comfy bed.

“Coffee for Jaemin!” The barista finally announces and Jaemin is up and over by the counter in no time at all as he snatches the drink off the counter and takes a sip of the very pungent drink he loves so much letting out a sigh of delight as if it’s happiness in a cup.

“Much better,” Jaemin smiles before taking his seat in front of Johnny once again.

“As I was saying, what’s more, important than sleep?” Jaemin claims again as he slowly feels himself waking up.

“My friend’s love life,” Johnny uses his straw to mix around the contents of his drink.

“What does this have to do with me exactly?” Jaemin raises an eyebrow in confusion try to understand.

“You know ____, right?” Johnny watches as Jaemin takes a drink and nods.

“Yeah, well I think my friend and her would be a good fit,” Johnny points out before drinking his coffee.

“Ohhhhhh, I see,” Jaemin smiles knowingly wiggling his eyebrows at the older guy.

“See what exactly?” Johnny hesitates watching the glimmer of mischief in Jaemin’s eyes.

“Do you like her?” Jaemin asks leaning forward interested in his answer as Johnny pinches the bridge of his nose.

“No, it’s not like that- I really mean that I think my FRIEND and her would be a good fit I just don’t know her that well,” Johnny emphasizes the word friend trying to explain the situation.

“Okay, so what does your FRIEND have to do with me?” Jaemin leans his head to the side not catching on quite yet.

“I need to know more information before I try to get them together but I don’t have any time to spend with her which is where you come in,” Johnny starts laying out his plan to Jaemin who listens intently.

“So you want me to get to know ____ and then pass the information to you for your FRIEND,” Jaemin asks unsure of this plan or even if this FRIEND exists. this whole thing starts to sound like a big game of telephone.

“I don’t know… about this, it seems wrong and why not let them figure out if that’s the case.” Jaemin suggests as a much more reasonable option.

“Please, My friend isn’t in the best mindset for making decisions so I just want to make it easier for him,” Johnny begs as Jaemin reluctantly looks at his friend across from him who’s clearly trying his best as he agrees.

“As long as she doesn’t end up hurt…” Jaemin adds as a smile clause as Johnny nods thanking Jaemin for his agreement to do this for him.

“I owe you,” Johnny gives a tired smile before getting up and leaving the small cafe while Jaemin stays in his seat drinking his coffee lost in his own thoughts.

-------

Jaehyun’s finger hovers over the button he’s dreading with the contact with Heejin’s picture on it but the name has been replaced with a simple devil emoji followed by DON’T CALL. Jaehyun runs his fingers through his head internally debating whether to click the call button eventually exiting the contacts and scrolling till he gets to the contact labeled ‘Gym Buddy’ proceeding to make a call to him instead as the phone rings.

“What’s up?” The person answers, their groggy voice making it obvious they didn’t wake up too long ago.

“Sorry, did I wake you up? I can call you later,” Jaehyun offers getting ready to end the call as they speak again.

“Nah, you’re fine I need to get up anyway.” The voice explains.

“Okay, I didn’t know who else would give me an unbiased answer,” Jaehyun starts off his free hand messing with his hair out of habit.

“Ummmmm, what do you mean?” The girl asks needing more than that.

“Just that you don’t know my relationship like my friends, so I need your opinion Soora.” His voice is fueled with confusion.

“Okayyyyy, go for it,” she happily agrees as she listen’s to her friend’s voice.

“So my Ex-girlfriend…” Jaehyun takes in a shaky breath before letting it out and continuing.

“Our relationship, it- it wasn’t healthy but she keeps telling me she’s changed and wants to give us a try again… But I don’t think I can take another heartbreak from this girl, I don’t really know what I’m asking from you I’m just getting this off my chest since you’re a new pair of ears.”

“Don’t go back to her,” Soora puts it simply before elaborating.

“No girl is worth that much pain, find someone who genuinely makes you happy to be around,” She explains her stance on his situation.

“But for the longest time that’s how she made me feel, and that keeps bringing me back to her trying to get back to that point.” Jaehyun counters reflecting on the start of the relationship.

“Look, Jaehyun. You could find someone who you know won’t hurt you or go into a relationship you don’t trust, just think about it…” Soora’s voice trails off as she lets out a yawn.

“I’ve got to go, I need to get ready for class but don’t go to her because you want to fix something too beyond repair, why try to fix a broken vase that will still have those cracks when you could find a new vase,” She ends her opinion looking at the time.

“Thanks, Soora, See you at the gym later,” Jaehyun’s voice sounds less anxious at the end of the call.

“Yup, I hope I could be of some help,” And with that, the call disconnects as Jaehyun leans back thinking over the conversation with a little less internal confliction.

--------------------

A/N: Sorry I kinda took an unexpected break, but I’m back! <3 net part should be up on 9/12. ❤️

Taglist (Leave a note if you want to be added):

❤️ @yourchasingsunsetslove​ ❤️ @justineasian​ ❤️ @captainsjoongs​ ❤️ @theworld-accordingtocasey​ ❤️ @Yee-hawwwwwwww ❤️ @renjunstarlight​ ❤️ @soothingjae​ ❤️ @marklexleaf​  ❤️

[bigheartedsky]

O3

Pairings: Hoseok x Reader; slight coworker!Namjoon x Reader

Genre: Fluff; Angst

Word Count: 13.9k+

Warnings: mentions of panic attacks

Summary: Fifty years ago, your government decided that, due to the high rate of people suffering from loneliness, the O3-project shall be introduced to your country. The goal of this project was to reduce the years people spent trying and failing to find their perfect partner and making it possible for them to sit back and relax while they find it for them instead. You are one of the youngest Implementers of the One and Only Office yet and you love your job more and more everyday. But a new case has you doubting everything you do because nothing seems to add up. Why are you so attracted to the person you’re supposed to connect with their perfect partner and what does your coworker Namjoon have to do with all of this?

[a/n: This story is the one I’ve put the most effort in so far thinking carefully of how I want the story to develop and choosing to go with a slow burn love story this time. I hope you enjoy the story and thanks to the lovely @yeontanismypresident​ for beta reading again and for leaving such a sweet message at the end with her opinion <3 Now here are some side informations you might need for the story:

Finder = Job; runs data on people through the system and finds the couples meant for each other; they create the data files needed by the Implementers to do their job

Implementer = Job; gets in contact with the couples and manages meetings between them to make them get together

One = one of the couple; this is what you call the partner of the couple in front of you or yourself in this context

Only = one of the couple; this is what you call the most of the time not present partner of the couple especially when talking about him/her/it

Have fun reading!]

Masterlist

“Fifty years ago, our government decided that, due to the high rate of people suffering from loneliness, the O3-project shall be introduced to our country. The goal of this project was to reduce the years people spent trying and failing to find their perfect partner and making it possible for them to sit back and relax while we find it for them instead. Our department developed a system, with the help of Professor Kim, that runs through all available data on every single living person in this country and matches them together with an accuracy of 100% to this day. We never had any mistakes in our work, which is remarkable. Our systems get updated regularly, and we’ve grown from a four-people-team to a team made of over 5.000 people. But I don’t want to get into the detail of all our achievements which I’ve seen with my own eyes over all these years – there were many just saying – and let you all get to the buffet and celebrate our 50 years anniversary. A toast to our great department! To One and Only Office!”

“To One and Only Office,” everyone replied, including you, and raised their glasses to your boss. When the office got introduced, he was only 25 years old, fresh out of university, and still wet behind his ears just like you were now. Fifty years went by, and now he was 75 years old and almost done working his shift of this life. He still had a youthful glint in his eyes whenever he had one of his crazy new inventions in mind.

A few minutes later, you saw him coming up to you.

“How is my youngest Implementer?” he asked you with a friendly grin. You just started to grin back at him.

“She’s gonna miss you badly. Do you really have to go?” you questioned with a sad look on your face. He just laughed heartily and rubbed your shoulders comfortingly.

“You’re going to survive without me. You’re smarter than me anyways, or why do you think I forced you into university? Someone has to come up with new ideas when I’m gone. Besides, I’ve worked my fair share already. Let me have some peace and quiet before I go for good.” Winking at you, he let out another laugh.

“I’m never gonna live up to that crazy mind of yours. I might as well quit right here and now.”

“And who’s gonna save my ass when I forget where I left my data files again?” Another voice joined into your conversations. You felt a hand on your hip and pressed your lips together in a thin line.

“How about you’d stop putting them down in random places, Namjoon?” you asked while gently removing his hand from your hip and taking a small step away from him. Turning to face both of them instead of just your old boss, you took a sip of your drink and rolled with your eyes smiling.

“I’m not doing it on purpose! It just happens.” He complained in a pouty voice. You sighed, laughing a little while excusing yourself from the conversation to finally get some of the good food they ordered. You thanked your boss silently when he engaged Namjoon in another conversation about his recent ideas so that he couldn’t follow you. You didn’t hate Namjoon, but sometimes his attitude towards you was just too much for you. Today was one of the days where you just couldn’t handle his attempts to flirt with you.

The next morning you checked your emails as per usual. Your work inbox included some data files of people you had to get in contact with, as well as a notification that an appointment was today at 3PM. You went over to your private inbox since there was nothing unusual in your work inbox, and you still had some time until work started. You put your kettle on the stove to make yourself a tea and worked your way through your private emails. Everything was normal until one of the emails caught your eye.

“Huh? That’s from work, but why did they send that to my private email?” confused but ensured that it’s just a mistake since they have both of your email addresses you opened the mail.

What’s up with this?

Your eyebrows furrowed even more, showing a deep crease in between them. Instead of the usual text, the email contained a random variation of numbers, letters, and punctuation characters. You rubbed your eyes for a second just to make sure that it wasn’t your eyesight acting up.

“This is a first… I better tell the IT department about that.” Making yourself some notes in your work calendar for the day, you finished your breakfast and made your way to the office.

After telling the IT department your concerns with the email you got, they assured you they’d look into it and keep you updated. Taking and giving one call after the other, you sat at your desk for hours, managing appointments for the next few weeks and going through the data the Finders gave you. Noticing the same bug on one of the data files as the one on the email you got this morning, you took the file and went over to the Finder department. Going through rows and rows of desks with computers and paper piles on them high enough to suffocate you if they would ever tip over, you searched for the Finder of this data file. You went to the department head Kim Seokjin to ask him about it first.

“Oh, that’s Namjoon’s case. He should be at his desk right now. But good that you found that. Would be a ton of work if this happened more often. We can print it out again for you. Might be our first little bug in the system right there.” Upon hearing the Finder’s name you sigh deeply, not sure if you were up to talk with him today, but you pulled yourself together immediately and thanked him for the help. You found Namjoons desk quickly, him being taller than anyone else in this office. He seemed focused on his work, typing away, and checking the papers to his left and right over and over. You’ve never seen him work at his desk before, and it almost shocked you how serious he seemed.

“Namjoon?” you asked very cautiously, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden for disturbing him at work.

“One second. I just need to finish these so that I can read them into the system and run the analysis.” He said, not even looking up from his work. It took a few more minutes before he tapped on his keyboard one last time and turned to you, satisfied with his work. Noticing now that it was you who called him made his whole attitude change a little.

“Y/N. What gives me the honor? Are you finally accepting my offer of lunch together?” You rolled your eyes, smiling a little, and put one hand on your hips, shifting your weight on one foot.

“The computer already said that you and I don’t match at all. You should know that better than everyone else since you ran the analysis on it. What was it again? 5% compatibility?”

“Okay, okay, I got it. You don’t have to sugarcoat your hatred for me. How can I help you?” He replied, acting deeply hurt with a very sarcastic undertone. Although his grin didn’t falter a bit the whole time, he turned a little more serious at the end.

“I’m here because of the data file on Jung Hoseok. I don’t know what happened with this, but I can barely read any information except for his Only and his address.”

Namjoon took the file out of your hand, and within one second, his grin turned into a frown. “What the hell… I remember exactly that I wrote everything down in the system. Why is it all gibberish now?”

“I don’t know, but I was hoping you could print it out for me directly from the program? Maybe the internal emailing has a bug.”

“Sure, just one second.” He turned towards his computer, typing away on the keyboard, and just a few seconds later, you could already hear the printer running. Namjoon got up and took the paper out of his printer. Checking it over one more time, his eyebrows furrowed again. “Strange…”

“What’s strange?” you asked, immediately going to look at the paper in his hand.

“The analysis is missing.” He was right. The whole paragraph on their compatibility was missing, but at least now it had all information on the persons themselves.

“That is strange. But this will be enough to get in contact with him and his Only for now. Can you tell Seokjin about this? I need to get ready for an appointment and also call this fellow.” You asked Namjoon.

“Only if you eat lunch with me together tomorrow. Just as friends, of course.” He grinned, which made you laugh a little.

“I have a lunch appointment tomorrow. Sorry, but how about Friday?” he let out a breathy laugh, sighing a little at the end.

“Sure. Friday then.”

“Okay. And just so you know, I don’t hate you.” A smile formed on his lips, although he tried to hide it, revealing his dimples. You gave him a playful shove and said your goodbye without even noticing the way he watched you walk away.

“Hello, here is One and Only Office Implementer Y/N Y/L/N. Am I speaking with Jung Hoseok?” Driving home in your car after the afternoon appointment, you called him on speaker. There was a short pause, followed by a loud crash on the other end of the call and a hurried reply.

“Yes! Yes, hey. I’m Jung Hoseok.” His voice sounded friendly and intoxicatingly happy. It had a soothing undertone to it.

“Mr. Jung, we found your Only, and I would like to make an appointment to talk about the next steps with you in person. When would be the right time for you?”

“Wow. Um- this is amazing. Sorry, I’m a little bit overwhelmed. I’ve been waiting for this moment since I was a little boy.” You couldn’t help the smile spreading on your face. His reaction was too cute, making you giggle a little. You pulled yourself together immediately again.

What the hell was that? Something that unprofessional never happened to me. I just giggled at a client! How embarrassing.

“Sorry, um- I didn’t mean to laugh. Your reaction was just too cute-“ WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING?!

You heard a hearty laugh at the other end of the phone.

“It’s alright. I’ll make time whenever you are available.” He replied, still laughing a little. Hearing his laugh made you blush without even noticing and laugh a little again too.

“How about tomorrow evening? 6PM?”

“Okay, it’s a date.” He replied cheerfully. Out of nowhere, your heart started beating like crazy. Making your goodbye as quickly as possible, you ended the call and stopped driving at the side of the road for a moment catching your breath.

What’s wrong with my heart? Is this a panic attack? It doesn’t feel like usual.

You tried all sorts of breathing exercises until your heart stopped beating so fast. Only when your heartbeat was back to normal, you started driving again.

Back home, you changed into your workout gear, taking your bag, and going to your weekly dance practice. You weren’t the best dancer, but you weren’t bad either. Nothing you could make money with, but doing it made you happy for sure. You loved your job, so you didn’t have a real eagerness to become a fulltime dancer anyways. On top of this was your best friend in the same team as you. You greeted her with a warm hug and sat down on the ground next to her starting to stretch together. After exchanging some updates about your week, she started showing you videos of this dancer she found on the internet just recently.

“He’s seriously amazing. His technique and precision on the music is out of this world. He’s my new idol, I swear.” She talked excitedly about him, pointing out the details of every choreography.

“Wow, he’s really good. What’s his name?”

“He goes by J-Hope, but no one knows his real name. He’s been going to a lot of competitions with his team and solo. He’s really lowkey on his social media, never giving any hints about his personal information.” Your friend stated sulkily.

“You already stalked his socials?” You scoffed, laughing a little.

“You know me.” She grinned back at you, getting up shortly after because practice started.

“Okay we’re gonna work on positions for the next dance performance today. Let’s see. We’re gonna make a triangle formation for the beginning. Y/N, you’ll come to the front.” Your dance coach instructed you, and you started walking to the front, hearing some whispered words along the way.

“Why is she always at the front?” – “I know, she’s not even that good.” – “Yeah.” – “Maybe she has a thing with the teacher?”

Swallowing hard, you tried to ignore their whispered comments, only focusing on what the coach has to say. You wouldn’t give them the favor of letting your true feelings show. The truth was that you always doubted your skills, and if it wasn’t for your best friend being here, you wouldn’t have the courage to come to practice in the first place.

Half an hour of just going through the positions and formations for the show passed until you practiced with music for the first time. Your best friend was dancing right next to you in the formation when she suddenly crash-landed on the floor, screaming and wincing in pain. The music was cut off immediately, and one of your teammates crouched next to your friend, asking her if she was alright.

“Y/N shoved her! I saw it with my own eyes. She wouldn’t even let her best friend be with her in the spotlight.” One of the girls from before suddenly exclaimed. You wanted to rush to your best friend, but the sudden accusations that now started coming from all the other girls caught you off-guard. Your whole body was starting to shake, eyes never leaving your friend who was clutching her leg with an expression twisted with pain. The coach went to your friend immediately, lifting her up and declaring practice was over for today and that he would bring her to the hospital. You were frozen in place, still shocked by everything that happened. Tears stung in your eyes, making you close them tightly. You started to move with closed eyes, shoving the girls that were still accusing you and now cornering you against the mirrored wall, to the side to take your bag and run out the door.

Throwing your bag on the passenger seat, you wasted no time to drive home, getting all sorts of flashbacks from high school. Your heart started racing, and your breath got more and more flat, forcing you to stop the car at the side of a road and get out to catch some fresh air. Going to the passenger side, you pulled the door open violently, not caring if anything broke, and searched for your medication in the glove compartment. Your hands were shaking and sweating like crazy, eyes slowly starting to get hazy, and the all too familiar feeling of dizziness setting in when you finally found your medicine. You quickly swallowed one of the pills and sat down on the grass next to your car until the medication set in. Sighing deeply, you let yourself fall back onto the grass, staring at the night sky where a few more stars glistened than in the center of the city where you lived.

The next day you received a call from your best friend. She wouldn’t be able to attend dance practice for a while because of her leg, and as far as she knew at that moment, she might even have to skip the performance. Your heart sank at that. Even though you knew you didn’t push her, you still felt guilty for not helping her immediately.

“I’m sorry how everything went yesterday. I didn’t know what to do, and then everyone started blaming me, and I don’t know.”

“Hey, Y/N. Don’t go blaming yourself as those idiots did. I know it wasn’t your fault. No one pushed me, I actually tripped over something although I don’t know what exactly. I’m sorry I couldn’t say anything at that time. Did you struggle a lot?” your best friend asked and proved to you again just how well she knew you.

“I’m okay. I just worry about you.” You answered although the aftermath of last night was clearly visible on your face. Your dark under-eye circles would even make a panda jealous and would need a lot of makeup to cover up later.

“Y/N…” your insightful friend knew you weren’t okay, but all you cared about was for her to get better soon.

“I have to go to work now. Please get well soon. Bye!” You hung up the phone before she could probe how you were really doing.

The day went by quickly with a lot of calls and appointments to do, and before you even realized it, your last appointment for the day was right around the corner. Walking up to the café he wanted to meet at, you kept watch for anyone who looked like he was waiting for someone. Since the data files were so messed up the picture that you would usually use to identify the client was barely visible. Walking around the café, you finally found a man sitting alone with his back to you. His style and overall appearance seemed like it could fit the age written on your papers so you made your way over to him.

“Mr. Jung Hoseok?” you asked politely, trying to look at his face while he was turning around with a sudden jump.

“Oh my god, you almost gave me a heart attack!” he exclaimed, downright scared, but then his whole expression changed when his eyes met yours. It felt like your eyes were drawn to his, not being able to stop staring into them. Hearing a loud noise, you both jolted out of your starring match and into reality.

“I’m sorry. Um- I-I’m Y/N Y/L/N, from the One and Only Office. Nice to meet you in person, Mr. Jung.” You held out your hand to greet him, and when he took your hand your whole body felt like electricity went through it, making you pull your hand away in shock.

“Sorry, I guess I must’ve become staticky somehow.” He answered and started grinning from ear to ear. “Hoseok is fine by the way. Can I call you Y/N?” You just nodded, feeling the heat in your cheeks.

What’s wrong with me? Am I coming down with something? I feel so hot.

“Let’s get started, shall we?” You suggested, and took a seat across from him at the square table you were at.

“So, there has been some kind of problem with our system. Your analysis is not on here right now, but since the computer put your names together in the first place, I can tell you for sure that this is your Only.” You explained, pushing the details of his Only to him. He looked at the data intently, reading through everything while his brows knitted together in confusion. You took the opportunity to really look at all his features for the first time. His face had very gentle features, but his eyes seemed like they could change from kind to intimidating in the split of a second. Something about him seemed so very familiar to you, but you just couldn’t pinpoint what it was. It almost drove you into madness.

While reading through the interests and character of his Only his head tilted to the side almost seeming confused and unsure. He put down the papers, folding his hands together and intertwining his fingers. His elbows were resting on the table while his eyes were still looking at the data.

“This is really strange. I always thought… Well, don’t get me wrong I trust you completely but, I always thought my Only would have more in common with me.” Confusion was now not only visible on his face but also on yours.

“Do you mean you have nothing in common with that person?”

“Well not nothing but… it’s just very minor things that we have in common.”

“Hm, maybe it’s one of those opposites attract situations?” you suggested in hope to be right. With every passing minute you spend working on Jung Hoseok’s case it gets weirder and weirder.

“Hm, yea. Maybe you’re right.” Smiling a little again, his eyes met yours again, but there was something in them that bothered you. Disappointment? Sadness?

“I’m sorry if I’m crossing boundaries here but, you seem a little displeased by what I showed you, Hoseok.” Your eyes filled with worry while he started looking away slightly embarrassed.

“I guess I just expected more. Maybe also just someone that was more…” his gaze went swiftly over all of your features. “My type.”

You felt your cheeks heating up again.

Did he just check me out? Nah, I must be imagining things.

Clearing your throat, you took the data files back and stored them in your back.

“I’ll tell you as soon as I make an appointment to meet with your Only. Until then, feel free to contact me if you have any further questions regarding the O3 program. Since your Only lives in Busan, we’ll be driving you down there and make sure you have a safe trip and a place to stay there.” You explained to him getting ready to leave. When you got up, he also got up abruptly almost knocking over his chair.

“Will you be the one driving with me?” he asked you with his eyes full of solicitation. He seemed nervous because of the first meeting you assumed.

“It’s not the custom for an Implementer to accompany the One to their Only…” you tried to talk yourself out of it, but the way he was looking at you like a sad puppy made you crumble immediately.

“But… of course, I could ask if they could make an exception and let me go with you. If that makes you more comfortable.” His lips started forming a heart-shaped smile even spreading to his eyes.

“It would make me much more comfortable. I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon.” He simply answered, holding his hand out for a last handshake with you. You took his hand, and again there was this feeling of electricity going through your body, but this time he didn’t let you pull away, holding your hand a little longer than expected. You parted ways shortly after that, but it felt different from your usual appointments. Something was different about this, and you felt like it wasn’t just all the bugs in the system.

The next day, you called Hoseok’s Only to make an appointment with her. Highly confused after that conversation, but still coming out of it with an appointment to make them meet for the first time, you hung up the call.

This gets weirder and weirder.

After thinking for what felt like a few hours about it, you started making your way over to the Finder Department again – more specifically Namjoon’s desk. This time he already noticed your approach from afar.

“My most favorite Implementer. Are you longing for meeting me that much lately? I’ve been seeing you almost every day. Not that I’m complaining, I really love it.” He grinned his charming dimpled grin from ear to ear at you. You leaned against his desk, half sitting on it while looking into the distance still thinking. His expression started changing when you didn’t reply anything to him, eyebrows now knitted with concern.

“You okay?” The joking sound had left his voice completely when he saw how serious you were.

“Yeah. I am. It’s just… you remember that case I got? The Jung Hoseok one?” he nodded hesitatingly. “Well, I met with Hoseok and he was… highly confused because his Only sounded like it wouldn’t match at all.”

“But we had people before who were complete opposites and they worked out just fine.” Namjoon started reasoning, eyes still soft and filled with concern completely fixated on your figure.

“Yeah, I told him that too. But something about this just doesn’t feel right. Like all those bugs that only appeared in this case and then his Only also seemed completely disappointed when I told her who her partner is. This is making me doubt this case more and more so I just have to ask you.” You turned your head to look Namjoon right into the eyes.

“Was there anything suspicious happening while you were working on this case? Did really nothing go wrong or did a server crash and mix up the people? Systems aren’t always perfect so I gotta ask.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, but I can’t say I have seen anything weird with it while working on it…” His eyes went back to the screen midway through the sentence making you look down at your shoes.

“Okay, thanks anyways.” Getting up you pushed yourself off his desk a little. “See you Friday at lunch.” A smile that you knew wasn’t showing in your eyes formed on your lips and with a last small wave you went back to your desk for the rest of the day.

It had been two weeks since you last saw Hoseok, and you couldn’t feel more nervous. You didn’t even understand why you were feeling like that in the first place. He was just a client after all. But still, you took two hours to put together an outfit and spent an extra 30 minutes to do your hair too which you usually wouldn’t.

You drove to the place he wanted you to pick him up from, with the car you would both drive to Busan in. Your luggage was packed away carefully so that there was still enough space for his stuff in the back of the car, and although you weren’t the biggest fan of driving long distances you were still excited for it.

Parking the car, you held in front of a tall building with a whole front made of windows. You double checked the address before you made your way in going straight for the front desk.

“Good Morning, my name is Y/N Y/L/N, and I’m from One and Only Office. I’m here to meet with Jung Hoseok.” You explained politely.

“Let me see.” The receptionist moved her finger down a long list before she stopped at one line. “Ah, here it is. Y/N Y/L/N. Mr. Jung is still at practice in room 1.03. It’s on the first floor to your left, the third door. He allowed me to tell you to just go in when you arrive.”

“Thank you.” You smiled at her before you started moving towards the room. When you stood right in front of the room you could hear music coming from the inside. It sounded as if you were underwater only the bass rang out to you until you opened up the door. What you saw inside made your jaw drop immediately. Hoseok was dancing with four other guys in absolute synchronicity and finally it hit you where you saw him before. You heard your best friends voice loud and clear in your head even with the music hitting your ears.

“He goes by J-Hope, but no one knows his real name. He’s been going to a lot of competitions with his team and solo. He’s really lowkey on his social media, never giving any hints about his personal information.”

He is J-Hope… Jung Hoseok… J-Hope… Jung equals J and Hoseok equals Hope. Wow, I could’ve guessed that.

The sudden quiet when the music turned off made you jolt out of your thoughts.

“Y/N!” You heard an excited voice call out to you. A sense of joy spread throughout your body immediately, making you smile.

“Nice to see you again, Hoseok. Are you ready for the trip?”

“Oh, that’s Y/N? Wow we heard a lot about – uff” the sentence by one of the younger looking boys was caught off by the one next to him hitting him with his elbow in the stomach. You looked at them questioningly, but still smiling.

“He meant we heard a lot about Hoseok’s Only and your great work with that.” Another one with very broad shoulders answered for him.

“Ah. I don’t do half of the work that gets put in a case.” You explained quickly with a little laugh. Hearing the door open behind you again you stepped aside to let the person get in. A boy that looked like he was in the same age span as the one that got hit met your eye, and started smiling a square smile at you.

“Oh! You must be Hoseok’s Only! Wow, you’re really exactly his type. Do you dance too? That would be awesome you guys could do couple choreographies!”

“I-I do but I’m not-“

“You do?? That’s so cool! Did you hear that Hoseok hyung? She dances, too! Why do you have such a strange look on your face?”

“Taehyung, she’s not his Only.” The one with the broad shoulders explained to Taehyung who was still standing in front of you, and now looking at you pouting.

“You sure?” He asked sulkily, and it made your heart almost explode when you started thinking of the possibility of you being Hoseok’s Only.

“I think we should really get going!” Hoseok suddenly declared when Taehyung opened his mouth to continue voicing all of his doubts. Being pushed out of the room in a rush, you only had a second to say goodbye before you and Hoseok were alone in the hallway.

“Shall I take one of the bags?” You offered up, but he quickly took his backpack and luggage before you could.

“Don’t worry. I’m strong.” He answered, smirking and winking at you, making you blush. You looked away immediately, and picked up a faster pace walking in front of him now so he wouldn’t notice your expression.

“Okay, then let’s get going. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us.”

You were driving in silence sitting next to each other, not sure whether the two of you should start up a conversation or not. Hoseok was sitting in the passenger’s seat, wearing a simple white oversized shirt tucked into ripped jeans he switched into after practice. His gaze was set on the scenery out his window with one arm leaning on the door below it. You sneaked a few glances at him while driving, feeling your eyes drawn to him whenever you stopped looking.

Eyes on the road, Y/N. Don’t want any accidents on the job. You can stare at him lat- OMG no you can’t stare at him at all. You’re bringing him to his Only and THAT’S IT!

Lecturing yourself in your head nonstop, you jumped a little when the music suddenly turned on making you drive in a slight curve for a second.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you. I just thought some music would be nice.” Hoseok apologized to you.

“It’s okay… Just warn me next time.” You replied, laughing a little. You started relaxing a little while he selected the music on his phone that he connected with the car speakers. Tapping on the steering wheel, you started humming and singing to all the songs you knew, which were a lot on his playlist, and every song you didn’t know you loved nonetheless.

“I’m surprised that you know this band.” You heard Hoseoks voice over the music.

“They are amazing. I actually went to their concert last year and it was the best concert I’ve been to so far.” You got excited all over again just talking about the concert and seeing the memories replay in your head.

“How cool, I was there too! Did you go to the one in Seoul?” Nodding and humming as a yes, you kept your eyes on the road for safety. “Can’t believe I didn’t see you there.”

“Well, there were thousands of people so the chance that we’ve crossed paths is very small. And even if we crossed paths, we could’ve still just ignored each other.” You answered trying to suppress the increasing heartbeat of yours.

“I don’t think I could’ve ignored you.” His voice was just loud enough for you to hear. It was almost just a mumble as if he wasn’t sure whether or not he should say it. Your eyes glanced at him. He was looking out the side window, chin leaning on his hand, and slightly looking like he was mad about something. Opening your mouth to ask what was wrong, your thought got interrupted by a beeping sound of your car. You looked down at the fuel gage noticing that it needed a refill so you took a turn at the next sign for a gas station. Done with paying for the refill, you headed back out to the car where Hoseok was waiting for you when someone approached you quickly.

“Excuse me, I’m sorry if this is weird but you kind of captured my attention and I just thought maybe I could give it a shot and just ask for your number?” the man in front of you didn’t look bad, and his approach didn’t offend you in the slightest, but you just didn’t feel like giving your number out.

“I’m sorry, I don’t give out my number.” You replied politely. “But I admire your courage.” With that you started walking towards your car again, but you couldn’t even take two steps before he was in front of you again.

“Why not? I promise it won’t be a waste of your time.”

“I’m really sorry.” You replied again still with a polite smile.

“Aw, come on. I can offer you a lot.” He grabbed your arm when you started walking past him again.

“Please let go of me.” You tried to push his hand off you, but he wouldn’t budge.

“I’m just asking for a chance.”

“And she’s asking you to let her go.” You suddenly heard another voice behind you. Turning your head to the side you saw Hoseok now next to you. In one swift movement, he removed the hand of the man from your arm, and took your hand in his to pull you with him.

“Let’s go.” He simply said while walking to the car. Your eyes were fixated on his face, but the only thing you could make out from this angle was his tense jaw. Opening the passenger door, he pushed you gently inside before making his way to the driver door.

“Keys.” Hoseok looked at you while holding out his hand.

“Hoseok, is everything okay?”

“I should be asking you that. Why didn’t you call out to me?” He looked into your eyes clearly mad.

“He was just a little bit persistent… He didn’t hurt me or anything and I’m sure he-“

“You’re sure he what? Would’ve let you go? I know those types of guys. He wouldn’t have given up so easily if I wouldn’t have gone to get you.”

“It wasn’t that big of a deal, Hoseok. This happens to every women once in a while and I-“

“But you’re not every woman!” he suddenly yelled at you making you jump and look at him in surprise but, it just took you one moment to get yourself back together.

“What am I then, huh?” you asked back provokingly.

“You’re- You’re a person I don’t want to get hurt.” Every bit of anger that you had left in your body suddenly vanished with this sentence from him. You were speechless, and looked into his eyes which weren’t angry anymore as well. A loud honking sound brought you both back to the real world where a few cars were already waiting for you to make space at the gas station.

“W-We should get going…” you said, still a little bit shy while he nodded. He lifted one hand out of the car as an apology to the people behind you while he started driving back on the road.

… Wait a minute

“Why are you driving now anyways?” you asked him a few minutes later, and he just started laughing suddenly.

“You just noticed??”

A few hours later ,you arrived at your hotel in Busan. Your office really didn’t do things by half-measures. The room – or better called a suite – you two lived in had two bedrooms, a small living room, a kitchen area to eat and make late night snacks, and a huge bathroom.

“Wow, I should ask if I can go along more often.” You simply stated while going inside the suite. Hoseok dropped his bags, mouth hanging wide open. Suddenly he ran to one of the bedrooms just to jump on the bed with arms and legs spread widely like a starfish. Your eyes followed him with the sudden movement making you laugh immediately.

“This is great!” He exclaimed, sitting himself up to look at you again. “What’s next on our plan? Dinner? Karaoke Bar? Or maybe we could go dancing?”

“Those all sound great but we actually have an appointment to meet with your Only in an hour. Just enough time to get ready after that long drive.” You explained watching his expression change from excited to sulky.

I’ve never seen a client be so unhappy to meet his Only.

A smile started spreading on his face again, but it didn’t seem as excited as before.

“Okay, let’s get ready.” he said, before jumping up and getting his stuff to put on something nice. You did the same in the other bedroom, changing into your usual work outfit – with just a little more care than usual.

Ding – Dong –

The doorbell sound rang through your ears for a moment. Hoseok was standing next to you, wearing a nice button-down shirt and black trousers. He was looking way too good for your taste which somehow made you feel uneasy about the meeting. You were confused by your own feelings, but at least you were able to convince him to fully button up his shirt instead of leaving the first few buttons open – which had him looking even better before.

With a squeak the door opened up and behind stood a young lady, maybe five or so years younger than you. She had short black hair and wore a headband to keep it behind her ears.

“Hello, you must be Miss Y/L/N, I’m Lee Jisu.” the girl introduced herself shaking your hand and then looking at Hoseok.

“Nice to meet you in person, Miss Lee. If I may introduce you two: this is Jung Hoseok. Your partner. Hoseok, this is Lee Jisu, your Only.” You introduced them both, and with a smile on their face they greeted each other properly but something was different from the other people you brought together.

There is no visible spark… Maybe I’ve been watching too many romance movies but usually when I meet the couple later, they’re so head over heels for each other. Maybe it needs some time?

“Shall we go inside?” Jisu asked, getting your attention back.

“Yea, let’s go.” Hoseok replied, taking the first steps inside. You stood outside, knowing that your part was done for today, and wanting to head back to the hotel. Turning around, you were surprised to suddenly feel a hand on your wrist.

“Where are you going?” When you looked up to the person holding you it was Hoseok’s face meeting you with an almost panicked expression. You looked at him in confusion.

“I’m going back to the hotel. You two need to get to know each other, and I’ll be in the way if I stay. I only got the instructions to bring you here and observe the development of the next few days.” Explaining the situation how you were taught at the office, you noticed his struggle to come up with an answer. In the end, he just let go of your wrist without another word.

“Okay, I’ll see you later tonight then.” With these words he turned around and went inside. You didn’t move a muscle until the door was shut feeling like you’re about to lose something dear to you. Taking all the willpower you got, you forced yourself to turn away and go back to the hotel.

You were exhausted. Your whole body was screaming at you being too tired to do anything anymore after getting ready for bed. All fours spread widely on the bed – mimicking Hoseok’s position when he jumped on the bed earlier – you stared at the ceiling. You looked to the wall where a big clock was hung.

“AARRGGHH How is it past midnight already?? Why can’t I sleep???” You took a pillow to scream into while kicking the bed underneath you.

“Y/N are you okay?!” His panicked voice made you sit up, immediately hiding your legs – you were wearing a pair of really short pajama shorts – with the pillow you used to scream into just now.

“Hoseok, you’re back?” Your face was bright red while you tried playing cool in front of him.

“Yea, and I thought I heard you screaming so I came to look if everything was okay…” He looked a little more relaxed now that he knew that you were okay, but judging from his messy hair and slightly unbuttoned shirt you thought he must’ve been in the middle of changing before running to you.

“I’m okay. I just had troubles falling asleep and got frustrated.” You explained bluntly honest to your own surprise. It was just too easy for you to open up to him.

“Oh, hang on a second. I’ll be right back.” Hoseok replied after thinking for a second. After he left your room you took the time to hide your lower body under the blanket leaning yourself on the headboard. After a few minutes had passed, he came back wearing  jogger pants and a sweater as pjs and carrying two mugs.

“Here you go.” He said while holding one of the mugs out to you. “I didn’t know if you are lactose intolerant so I used the lactose free milk. This always helps me sleep. My mum gave me the recipe.” His smile was proud and contagious making you smile a little too.

“Thank you.” You replied, really meaning it while he sat down at the edge of the bed still facing you. “Are you close to your mum?”

“Very much. I just wish I had more time to spend with her. Work is keeping me busy. I’m gonna make it up to her though. Once I saved up enough money, I’m gonna buy her and my dad a nice little restaurant where she can show everyone what an amazing cook she is. You know her Kimbap is the best I’ve ever eaten, you need to try-“ his eyes looked up at you smiling heartwarming at him because he looked so happy talking about his mum. He cleared his throat looking at you apologetically.

“Sorry for rambling on like that.” He simply said and lifted his mug to drink some of the milk.

“No worries really! I actually enjoyed it. I’m close to my family too so I can understand.” You replied, giving him a small smile that he returned. The atmosphere changed between the two you, making you feel a little restless and strangely hot.

“So, uh, how was the date?” He almost choked on his warm milk when you asked him, making you lean forward and pat his back with a worried look while he started coughing.

“I- … It was okay. She’s nice. Very polite. Called me Mr. Jung the whole time.” He laughed a little. “I don’t know about this…”

“Maybe you guys need more time together. You’ll meet again tomorrow anyways so I’m just gonna leave you guys to it again.”

Why am I so happy that it went badly? This is my job, and if it goes badly it would mean that we made a mistake for the first time. That’s a huge deal.

He nodded, looking at the wall in front of him.

“Say, do you have an Only yet?” Now it was your turn to almost choke on the milk, but at least you didn’t have to cough.

“No, I don’t. Everyone always jokes I’m gonna stay a One forever.” A smile was tugging on his lips.

“And what do you think about that?” he asked, referring to the “One forever” part.

“Well, I was starting to believe it too.” You laughed a little. “And I thought I’d be fine with that.”

“Why the past tense?” His eyes looked straight into yours, no joking whatsoever visible anymore. It made you forget all the punchlines you’d usually say in those situations and just stare into his eyes until you couldn’t handle it anymore and looked away.

“I don’t know. I guess something changed.” He hummed accepting that answer for now, but you could see the smirk on his lips.

“So, after lunch we’re going to meet with Jisu again and you two will have another date to get to know each other better. Everything clear so far?” Hoseok nodded while drinking the last bit of his Sprite before he was done with his meal. After you paid for the lunch with the company card you both made your way over to Lee Jisu’s home where you were greeted with a very unsettling sight.

“A police car…” Hoseok stated, looking at Jisu’s mother talking to a police officer with worry in her face.

“Did something happen yesterday?” you asked Hoseok, but he just shook his head looking just as worried and confused as you. You parked the car and left it together to ask what was going on.

“She has short straight black hair and was wearing a blue t-shirt and jeans. I- I think she took the white converse shoes because I can’t find them anywhere but- Oh, Miss Y/L/N. I’m so sorry I forgot to call you.” Jisus mother greeted you immediately when she saw you interrupting her explanation to the officer.

“Call me? I’m sorry but may I ask what happened Mrs. Lee?” you asked with confusion.

“Jisu ran away.” She sighed. “She’s nowhere to be found and I think it’s because I forced her to do the Only meeting and I’m-“ tears were starting to run down her face, and it looked like it wasn’t the first time today. You immediately searched for a tissue to give to her, but Hoseok was even faster than you holding it out for her.

“Thank you, Hoseok.” Jisus mother said, taking the tissue.

They already seem so close… you tried to suppress the frown building on your face.

“She ran away? What do you mean by forcing her to meet her Only?”

“Well, you see. Before you called to tell her that you found her Only, she was convinced that Seok Jo – the boy living in the village nearby – was her Only. She was waiting for the day that the office confirmed it for her so the two of them could finally get married. I always told her that it might not be him but she-“ Mrs. Lee started sobbing again, interrupting herself.

She already has someone she loves that much? No wonder she was so cold towards me during the call and so distant to Hoseok.

Your eyes searched for Hoseok reading his expression that was fixated on Jisu’s mother.

“Do you have any clue where she could be? Friends or family nearby?” You asked, looking at Mrs. Lee again. She just shook her head.

“Seok Jo doesn’t answer his phone and I know he might be sleeping because he worked late yesterday, but I don’t want to leave the house in case she comes back. My husband already started driving to our family to look for her there. But…”

We need to do something. We can’t just wait and see what happens.

“We can go and look for her at Seok Jo’s place.” Hoseok suddenly said, making your eyes draw to him in surprise, but your expression changed quickly to thankfulness. Looking back at Mrs. Lee you nodded at her.

“We just need his address and we’ll handle it.” You added, and Mrs. Lee hugged you both before she went inside to get the address.

You were restless. This case was getting so complicated, and you just felt like there was something horribly wrong with it. Your eyes drifted to Hoseok who was driving with his eyes forward looking all tense himself.

There must’ve been a mistake at the office. It can’t be anything else. I just don’t know what else could cause such a mess. This all just doesn’t make sense! Should I tell him my doubts? What will he think of me once I tell him? He will hate me for sure. But if I don’t tell him and it really was a mistake the office made; he’ll hate me for not telling him my doubts. What should I do? What-

“You okay?” Hoseok suddenly asked with his eyes on you for a second. You didn’t even notice how long you stared at him, eyes full of worry.

“Actually, no.” your eyes darted away dancing around the area. “I’m not okay. I feel like I’m getting sick to be honest.” Heartbeat increasing with every second, you felt a panic attack growing inside of you. Hands sweaty, breathing shallow, and your mind all hazy you lost yourself in all the doubts and self-destroying thoughts in your mind.

“Y/N?” You could feel Hoseok’s hand on yours, his voice full of worry, but it seemed all so far away like you were underwater.

“Please stop the car!” Was the only thing you were able to get out of your mouth, and he did exactly that, immediately stopping on a country road in the middle of two fields. You fidgeted with the door of the car struggling to get it open in your state since it wasn’t like your own car. You heard a loud bang, and a second later, Hoseok was on your side of the car opening the door and getting you out. He sat you down on the grass next to the road and crouched right in front of you.

“Y/N. Y/N, look at me.” He told you with a calm voice, still holding your hand with one hand, and using the other to direct your head so you looked at him. “Copy me. Breath in. Hold your breath. Good. 3… 2… 1… breath out. Now repeat with me.”

You copied his breathing and listened to every instruction he gave you. Slowly, your heartbeat was decreasing again, palms becoming dry, and head coming back out of its hazy state.

“You’re doing great. Just a few more times.” You just now noticed that his hand holding onto yours was checking your pulse while doing the exercise. “Okay. You’re okay. I’m here.” This was the moment you broke. Your arms swung around his neck, hugging him tightly, and he hugged you back, immediately dropping his knees to the ground to not fall over with you. His hand started stroking the back of your head comfortingly while you started sobbing silently.

You let go of him after a while, wiping away your tears which he helped you with by gently rubbing a tissue under your eyes. His eyes were full of warmth and comfort when you looked at them, which had you laughing a little, still affected by the panic attack you just had though.

“Don’t look at me like I’m a poor lost puppy you just found.” You joked a little, shoving against his shoulder gently. You felt exhausted from the panic attack, but not as bad as usual when you had to take the meds to get it away.

“Oh, you’re not?” He grinned, making you hit him against his chest a few times. “Ouch, ouch, ouch, sorry I take it back! I surrender!” He declared with his hands held high. Once you smiled at him and declared peace, he got up and held out his hands for you.

“Come on. We should talk to Seok Jo. And don’t worry, we’re going to find Jisu. You’ll be alright and back at your office in no time. So, just trust me. We’ll find my Only.” He smiled comfortingly while pulling you up on your legs.

“Yea, uhm well you see that’s exactly it. I think-“ Your sentence was interrupted by a loud honk making you both look in the direction you came from. A large tractor was standing there waiting for you to get driving since he couldn’t get past you. You both apologized to him and got in the car before anythingelse could be said.

“So… do you get these panic attacks often?” he asked carefully, trying to not touch a sensitive topic. You laughed a little.

“Smooth. But yea I do get them sometimes.”

“How come? If I may ask.”

“It’s okay. I’ve been struggling with social anxiety for a while now. It started in high school because of a whole lot of ugly bullying – don’t want to get into detail with that right now – but now I also get affected by stress. If I feel overwhelmed or socially pressured, I get them. It’s really annoying and frustrating but I can’t change it.”

“Socially pressured? How so?” he asked in the most careful and sensitive voice he could.

“Well, for example last time at dance practice. My best friend fell and hurt herself and everyone said I pushed her – which I didn’t. They were angry because I got the front position in our first formation in the choreography. And I just couldn’t handle all the blaming so I ran out and yea…”

“That sounds really mean. Why would they do that? If I would’ve been there with you, I would’ve told them off for good! They would never even dare to do that again to you!” Hoseok got angrier and angrier, explaining how he would’ve dealt with them if he would’ve been there which made you laugh at some point.

I’ve never told this to anyone except for very close family and friends. It’s way too easy to talk to Hoseok. I feel so at ease with him.

The door swung open after an eternity of ringing the bell.

“Mrs. Song, if it’s because of the apple tree I was going to cut it later toda- Who are you?” A very sleepy looking young man stood in front of you two, eyes closed when he opened the door and still dressed in pjs and a dressing gown.

“Sorry that we woke you up. Are you Seok Jo?” You asked politely, and the man in front of you nodded still suspicious. “You see, I’m Y/N Y/L/N from the O3 office. This is Jung Hoseok. He is listed as the Only of Miss Lee Jisu.”

This made the attitude of the guy in front of you change completely. Before you could even react, he had Hoseok grabbed at his collar, even lifting him up from the ground a little.

“So, you are the asshole that tries to steal away my Jisu? Let me tell you this. I WON’T let some townie like you just walk in here and take what belongs to me! Jisu is MY fiancé and I won’t accept this stupid agreement made by some company!” he yelled at Hoseok who just held onto the wrists of Seok Jo to keep himself in control somehow. You stepped in between them, quickly pushing Seok Jo away gently which he complied to letting go of Hoseok in the process.

“Please, Mr. Seok Jo! We’re not here because of the O3 agreement. We came here to find Jisu.” You explained quickly which again made him change his attitude.

“Find Jisu? What do you mean by that?”

“She ran away. Her mother said that she forced her into meeting with Hoseok – I mean – Mr. Jung and it seems like she is not pleased by the idea of being with her Only too much. We don’t want to force her into anything she doesn’t want. We’re not monsters, we just want people to be happy with each other. So, can you help us find her? I think something went terribly wrong here, and we need to fix this.” You could feel Hoseok’s piercing glance at you when you said the last sentence.

“O-Of course. Let me just get my shoes and keys and I’ll be right with you.” Seok Jo said rushed while stumbling back inside to put on his shoes, hitting himself on a shoe cabinet cursing in the process.

“You know.” Hoseok suddenly started speaking. “They really fit together.”

You looked at him trying to figure out what he was thinking while he said that, but since you didn’t get a big impression of Jisu you decided to trust his judgement and throw away your doubts.

A few hours of driving to every place Seok Jo thought Jisu could be passed, and to be honest, the whole situation was looking rather bleak. You took a short break to grab something to eat, stopping at one of the few convenience stores nearby.

“Where could she be..?” You mumbled while taking a bite from your sandwich.

“Is there really no other place you guys liked to go? If I was in her shoes, I would want to go somewhere only my love knows. A place with a big meaning to us.” Hoseok said bluntly while looking at his reflection in the window of the convenience store. Hearing a silent thud next to you, your eyes went to Seok Jo who just let his sandwich slide through his fingers.

“I think I know where she is.” He suddenly said, and you immediately grabbed your keys taking the sandwich with you to finish on the way instead.

“Then let’s go! It’s already getting really dark.” You declared, and the two of them just nodded and jogged out to the car. It was an hour-long drive to a far-off part of the beach in Busan. You had to leave the village where they lived and drive through the whole town before you found it. Without Seok Jo with you, you would’ve never found the way there. You parked the car and searched in the trunk for a few emergency flashlights. You gave each of them one and took one for yourself too.

“Okay, I’m not sure in which direction she could be so I’m going to walk along this side and you guys take the other one. If any of us finds her we call immediately, okay?” Seok Jo explained turning on his flashlight to search for Jisu at this pitch-black beach. You both nodded before parting ways with Seok Jo. You were grateful that Hoseok was staying with you since you didn’t like the dark at all. Although you couldn’t deny that the stars out here were really stunning.

“Jisu! Jisu are you here! Please answer if you hear us!” you called out every few steps just as Hoseok did too. You were searching for an hour already when it suddenly started pouring down.

“Shit! Let’s go find something to take cover.” Hoseok called out to you.

You started running to try and find some space free from rain when you found a small wooden cabin standing open at the back of the beach. It was just a storage space for the life guards but it didn’t seem like it was used often. You ran inside to get out of the rain already completely wet. Groaning in frustration and desperation, you leaned yourself on an old wooden broken desk that looked like it stood in an office at some point.

“This is hopeless!” you called out. “We’re never gonna find her. Especially not in a city we barely know.”

“Calm down, Y/N. It’s going to be fine. We’re going to find her and-“

“And what? Make you and her be together? Or make Seok Jo and her be accepted by her mother? Both seem impossible to me at the moment and do you know what that means? It means that I failed. My Office failed for the first time and this will kill our reputation. How are we going to explain that? This is our ruin!”

“It won’t be your ruin! It’s just one case that was wrong. ONE of how many?” Hoseok asked you, smiling a little while holding onto your shoulders gently. You let yourself slide down the desk until you were sitting on the floor, arms around your legs and back against the desk. He sat down beside you, sliding one arm around your shoulder comfortingly.

“4.376.938….” you mumbled quietly.

“See, it won’t ruin the office. And you can find the mistake and repair it so this won’t be happening again.” Hoseok was stroking your arm with his hand, and you just nodded at him.

“Yes, I’m just so sorry you have to go through all this trouble. And that Jisu is somewhere out there just because we made a mistake, in this rain, alone at that! I just- ugh” you tried hiding your face in your hands, but he wouldn’t let you, making you face him instead.

“Hey, it’s not your fault. Don’t go blaming yourself for this. And I actually like this trouble. Well, as long as I’m in trouble with you.” Your eyes softened just as his when he said that.

I don’t know anyone I would like to be in trouble with more than him.

And there it was. The moment you knew was going to happen as soon as your eyes met his for the first time. The moment you’ve been trying to avoid at all cost. He was leaning towards you, and within a mere second his lips were on yours, gently and feeling like it lasted only a few seconds. You both savored these few seconds like they were the only ones you ever had together. Opening your eyes slowly at the same time, your eyes met again. His hand wandered into your hair wanting to pull you in for another kiss when you suddenly heard a noise from the back of the cabin. Both of you turned your head towards it when you saw a figure opening the door of a room behind you. Grabbing your flashlight quickly you pointed it in the direction.

“Who’s there??” Hoseok asked, trying to seem intimidating if it was someone dangerous. But it wasn’t anyone like that.

“Jisu?” you asked quickly getting up and running over to her.

“Miss Y/L/N.” Jisu looked at you surprised. She was limping a little holding onto the doorframe and reaching out to you when you came near. You immediately held onto her to keep her steady.

“What happened to your leg? Come on, sit down.” You helped her over to the desk together with Hoseok who lifted her up on it to sit. While he checked on her leg you took out your phone ready to call Seok Jo.

“How did you find me?” Jisu asked while wincing when Hoseok found the spot that hurt.

“Seok Jo showed us. He searched with us all day to find you.” Hoseok explained while you called Seok Jo.

“Seok Jo? Is he here too?” Jisus eyes were glistening with hope and worry at the same time when she heard his name.

“He’s on his way.” You replied to her smiling after you hung up the call. “God, I’m so glad that we found you.” A hand spread on your shoulder squeezing it comfortingly.

“I am too.” Hoseok said standing to your left behind you. Jisu looked at you both with a look you couldn’t quite understand before she started smiling a little.

She seems happier than I thought about this situation. I thought she would try to escape from us again.

Seok Jo came running over to the cabin as soon as you told him that you found her. With his pjs and dressing gown completely soaked he stormed in the cabin. When he saw Jisu he immediately went to her and hugged her tightly. Tears were forming in his eyes while he continued to lecture her to never do that again.

“I just didn’t know what to do. Mr. Jung and I just don’t fit and I know that he felt that way just like I did. The only one I love is you. I’m really sorry, Miss Y/L/N, but Seok Jo is my Only no matter what everyone else wants to tell me. I’m convinced of that!” Jisu stated, trying her best to be brave and make her standpoint clear.

“Don’t worry, Jisu. I’ve already told Hoseok that I think something went wrong in the office. I’m going to go back and investigate the matter before telling you what really happened. I’m convinced too now that you and Hoseok just aren’t partners. I mean, I’ve been in this business for quite a while and when I look at you and Seok Jo I see the same as when my clients meet usually. So, how about we go back to your mother and explain the whole situation to her? I’m sure she’s still awake.” You explained, and could visibly see them both relax and exchange looks in between.  

“Oh god, my mother! She will kill me.” Jisu said suddenly, with her face full of worry. You all just had to laugh at that, trying to convince her that her mother will just be happy having her back home. After this, you made your way back to the car once the rain wasn’t too heavy anymore. Seok Jo was carrying his fiancé all the way like a princess which made you realize just how strong he must be from all the farm work he was doing. The two of them talked quietly with each other the whole way, walking in front of you since you didn’t know the way back to the car anymore. Hoseok was walking right next to you and at some point his hand found yours holding onto it softly. Your heart started beating faster, and again, it was like electricity was running through your whole body. You looked at him even though you could barely make out the silhouette of his face in the darkness.

No, this isn’t right. Even if he might not be Jisu’s Only, he will be someone else’s at some point. I can’t just toss all of my principles out of the window. I don’t want to go back to failed relationships anymore. As long as the computer won’t spit out who my Only is, I’ll be alone. Once I’m back at the office I’ll fix his case, and will have to make him meet up with his real Only. I can’t handle this.

Pulling your hand away softly, you took a small step to the side to bring some space in-between you. You held onto your hand in front of your chest while picking up the pace back to the car. Seok Jo and Jisu sat on the back seat, leaning onto each other, sleeping soundly. You looked back, smiling a little while putting a blanket on top of them. Hoseok was driving you guys back through the night of Busan, looking at you every now and then. He seemed like he had something on the tip of his tongue that he was dying to talk about, but something held him back. You tried to avoid his gaze as much as possible, but you felt his stare on you every time.

Once you arrived at Jisu’s home, her mother was so happy to have her back she even forgot to be angry about it. Both of them kept apologizing to each other, starting to take the blame for everything. You felt terrible for everything that happened, and stepped up to clear up the matter at hand. After you explained the whole thing again to Jisus mother, just like you did to them, she was angry for a short time, but quickly gave into Jisu’s and Seok Jo’s request to not blame you because it wasn’t your fault, but the systems. After a short discussion on how to proceed further, you and Hoseok finally made your way back to the hotel.

Both of you quietly went into your rooms, and you felt the awkward and tense atmosphere in the whole suite. After you both took a hot bath to warm yourselves up, you went out of your room to get something to drink. You noticed music playing in the living room and curiosity got the best of you. Hoseok was standing at the window with the back to you holding a glass of water in his hand just like you did. Instead of his usual hip hop playlist he was listening to a playlist filled with almost sad sounding music. The song playing that moment – Charlie Puths “Dangerously” – was on one of your playlists too because you related to the lyrics too much. You thought it was ironically fitting to your current situation as well.

“Hoseok?” He flinched a little at the sound of your voice over the music. Turning around, he walked up to you with a smile on his lips that wasn’t quite going to his eyes anymore. He put down your glass and his at the side before taking your hand playfully to make you dance with him.

“May I have this dance?” He asked, although you could see the worry in his eyes. You should’ve rejected him, but you wanted to do it so badly. Swaying with him while one song changed to another felt like heaven to you. It felt so right to be here with him, and you couldn’t help but laugh when he led you into crazy looking spins. He made you lean far back while supporting your lower back just to pull you back. Your forehead almost touched his when you came back up, both of you laughing a little. That was the moment your little dream bubble burst again. His hand went into your hair wanting to pull you in gently, but you pulled away.

“Please, don’t.” you said with your eyes down. A sigh left his mouth before he let go of you completely. He seemed angry, and you felt a sting in your heart when your eyes found his figure again.

“What did I do wrong? Did I do something, or say something that made you hate me all of a sudden? I thought… I thought you liked it too. I thought you liked me.” Hoseok asked you with desperation in his eyes that made your heart break.

“I do! I did. I mean… “ You sighed deeply. “Hoseok, I’m your Implementer. I’m a worker for the office that is supposed to find your perfect partner, and I’m not your perfect partner.”

“But what if you are? You said the system made a mistake so what if you are my real Only?” He took a small step closer to you again.

“That’s impossible. If I was your Only I would’ve gotten a notification all system problems aside. My name would’ve popped up somewhere and someone would’ve noticed.”

“Okay, then so what if you’re not?” He took your hands. “I want to be together with you and no one else!”

“But the computer-“

“To hell with the computer!” He suddenly screamed, making you pull your hands away from him and step back. “I-I’m sorry I didn’t want to raise my voice like that, but not everything is decided with logic, Y/N. In some moments, you just have to listen to your heart no matter how cheesy that may sound. My gut just tells me that you’re the one for me.” He took one of your hands again, but you pulled it away.

“You don’t understand this. This system is here to keep us from always trying and failing to find love. Even if we like each other now maybe in a few years we’ll hate each other, and I just can’t go through this anymore. It’s too painful!” You took a few steps back while talking.

“Y/N, please, I won’t hurt you. I could never hate you!”

“Everyone says that!”

“But I’m not everyone!”

“Who are you then, huh?!”

“I’m Jung Hoseok, and I’ve never fallen for anyone as hard as I did for you, and I know you did too!! Can you please stop denying it?!” You both were yelling at each other now.

“You can’t force me!! Just leave me alone!!!” You screamed at him, completely overwhelmed with this situation because of course he was right. You’ve never loved someone as much as you loved him, but you’ve been trusting the system and only the system for so many years that you couldn’t bring yourself to just trust your gut. You turned around and ran into your room. You just needed to get away from this situation, or else your feelings would overpower you.

“Y/N! Please, I’m sorry for yelling!” He was standing on the other side of your door. Tears started streaming down your face while you slid down the door until you sat on the ground.

“Just go away, please…” You sobbed and within seconds it was quiet. You heard his footsteps walk away from you, and you didn’t hear them come near you again for the whole night.

The next day you drove back to Seoul by yourself. Hoseok left without you in the morning, only leaving behind a small note and a bracelet that looked like the ones they sold at the village market you went by a few days earlier. You sighed, putting on the bracelet anyways since it was the only way to decrease the yearning for him in your heart a little.

A few days passed by, and you were back in your daily life working until late at night. Not having heard from Hoseok, nor having the courage to call him, you walked around like a heartbroken zombie. Even Namjoon noticed something was wrong with you when you went out for lunch together, but he didn’t ask too many questions about it which made you seek his company a lot more lately.

You were still investigating in the Jisu and Hoseok case, and everyone was informed by now that something went wrong there. Suddenly, a week after your return, your phone started ringing.

“Hey, Y/N, it’s SeokJin, could you come to the Finder department in half an hour? It’s about the Jung Hoseok case.” You heard SeokJin’s voice at the other end of the line. Your heartbeat increased immediately when you heard Hoseok’s name making you play with your bracelet.

“Have you found out what happened??” You asked while getting up immediately.

“Yes. We want to talk to you in person about this matter though. Can you come over then?”

“Sure!” You hung up before he could say anything more, and ignored the request to come in half an hour, too restless to wait even another second for the results. You rushed to the Finders department just to find the door of SeokJin’s office opened by a small gap. But you didn’t even need that gap to hear SeokJin yelling angrily at someone.

“What were you thinking?? Hacking yourself into the system just to exchange the names on the paper. Have you gone insane?! Do you know how much damage you could’ve done with this?? What is your damn reason?!”

“I don’t know… When I saw her name there I just- I didn’t think anymore. I blacked out. I didn’t want her to have an Only already…” You knew this voice, but you couldn’t believe what you heard there. You heard SeokJin sigh deeply, and when he spoke this time his voice was quieter.

“Look. Everyone knows how you feel about Y/N, but that doesn’t justify your actions. You exchanged her name for Lee Jisu who was actually partnered with her fiancé of two years. You could’ve destroyed four lives with your selfish actions, and I want you to apologize to everyone and make it right. Am I making myself clear? Just because you’re the grandson of our system developer I can’t go easy on you. This will have consequences even if you confessed yourself.” After hearing all this, your feet moved by itself taking you inside the room. SeokJin’s shocked eyes landed on you immediately followed by the culprits.

“Namjoon…you… you changed it?” His eyes darted down to the floor. He didn’t dare to look up while confirming everything. “H-Hoseok is my Only. And you knew? You erased my name and made me feel like I was crazy for doubting the computer?”

“Y-Y/N I’m so sorry. I just panicked when I saw your name there. I-I know I don’t have a chance with you, but this made it so final I just couldn’t handle it.” Namjoon explained, shaking. He seemed like a wreck, and you just couldn’t stay too angry at him. You took a deep breath to keep yourself composed.

“Is-“ you looked at SeokJin with eyes full of hope. “Is Hoseok really my Only?” SeokJin just smiled apologetically and nodded. You took in a deep breath, walked up to Namjoon and looked into his eyes. “I can’t forgive you right now. But I understand your motives, and I’m not angry at you. Just don’t force me to forgive you right now. I don’t have the strength for that yet. And honestly if I can’t fix this with Hoseok then I don’t know if I want to talk to you again. Now if you excuse me, I need to find my Only.” You turned away, but hesitated for one second turning to Namjoon one more time to give him one punch right in the stomach. He hunched over holding his stomach and started coughing just to laugh a second later.

“Okay yea I deserved that.” He simply said, while smiling in pain up at you which made your mouth corner twitch up for a second too. Next moment you were already rushing out as fast as possible calling Hoseok’s number every few minutes but he didn’t pick up. Figuring that he’s at dance practice you drove to the studio building only to be stopped at the entrance by two men and the receptionist of the front desk.

“I’m sorry but I need to see Jung Hoseok. Is he here? It’s really important!” you explained to her but she just looked at you apologetically.

“I have the instructions not to let anyone upstairs today. I’m really sorry Miss.”

“Can I at least leave a message for him? Please.” You pleaded, and although she looked a little reluctant at first, she took your message for Hoseok which you quickly wrote down on the page of this week from your work calendar and teared it out to give it to her. You hoped Hoseok would call you once he read it.

It was the same day, but later when you were on your way to dance practice. It was the first dance practice for you since your best friend got injured, and you were terrified of going inside and facing all of these people in there. You took a deep breath and with all your courage you made your way inside. You took a place in the back, too afraid of standing in front of everyone. The others were already whispering about you, and you felt your anxiety rise more and more. When the teacher came in you were a little bit relieved, but your anxiety showed in your dancing. He was very unsatisfied with you, and you were about to go out when suddenly a knock was heard on the door.

“I’m sorry I’m late but could I join your dance class for today? I’ll pay, I promise.” You couldn’t believe your eyes. It was Hoseok still in his full dance gear with his mask on looking just like he always did in his dance videos and it wasn’t just him.

“What do you mean ‘could I’ it should be ‘could we’!” You heard one of the younger ones of Hoseok’s dance team complain.

“And I told you guys to go home.” Hoseok complained while everyone came inside.

“How did you-“ You started, but he just fanned himself with your calendar page – where you also wrote down every practice and the addresses with it – winking at you.

Wow, I was unintentionally smart.

“Oh, that’s actually great. If all of you guys want to join in, we could try a partner dance today! Just go and get yourself a partner.” your instructor called out happily. He seemed thrilled to have some boys in his class for a change. Hoseok immediately took his place next to you. All the girls stared at you two and whispered his name over and over not able to believe it was the J-hope in front of them but you couldn’t care less. All that mattered was that he stood right in front of you right now.

“I’ve got my partner already.” Hoseok grinned while sliding off his mask.

“Not just partner. Your One and Only.” With your words Hoseok’s grin became even wider. He couldn’t help himself, and just hugged you tightly which you returned immediately.

“I knew it from the beginning!” He told you, sticking out his tongue at you like a child.

“I know, I know.” You rolled your eyes at him. “You’re never going to let me forget that, huh?”

“Well, at least now you know that you should always trust in my gut. It’s always right.” He grinned down at you. You both were interrupted by your teacher clearing his throat.

“Are you guys done? Now is dance class time. You have enough time to be all lovey-dovey later.” Your teacher nagged at you, but you could see that he wasn’t too serious about it.

“Yes, sir!” Hoseok replied and then leaned to whisper in your ear. “The rest of our lives should be enough time, right?” Normally you would freak at the thought of such a large commitment, but it just felt right this time. A big grin spread on your face before you replied.

“Barely.”

Masterlist

a/n: I hope you liked this quite long OS! It’s the longest one I’ve written on Tumblr so far and I was really nervous to upload it since a lot of work went into it. Share your thoughts with me if you want to! Every interaction no matter if it’s a like or a comment makes me want to keep going and reminds me of how much I love to write. Doesn’t matter how long of a pause was in between I’ll always come back because of the lovely people reminding me that I love to write <3 thank you all for reading!

[etlunainmorte]

❄❄❄

***

*The Best Chocolate Chip Cookie*

 

Prep Time - 15 minutes

Cook Time - 15 minutes

Chill Time - 2 hours

Total Time - 30 minutes

Yield - 24 cookies

Serving Size - 1 cookie

*Ingredients

1/2 cup ( 113g ) unsalted butter, melted

1/3 cup ( 66 g ) granulated sugar

1/2 cup ( 104g ) packed light brown sugar

1 large egg

1 teaspoon ( 5ml ) vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups ( 186g ) all - purpose flour

1 1/2 cups ( 255g ) chocolate chips ( semi - sweet or milk )

*Instructions

1. Note: This dough requires chilling.

2. Place melted butter in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment ( or a large bowl if using a hand mixer ). Add granulated and brown sugars and mix on low speed until the mixture is smooth. Mix in egg and vanilla extract and mix on medium speed until combined.

3. Mix in baking soda and salt, then slowly mix in flour and mix just until the batter is smooth and comes together. Be sure to scrape the sides of the bowl during mixing. Slowly mix in chocolate chips.

4. Line a cookie sheet with a silicone baking mat or parchment paper. Scoop 2 tablespoon balls of dough onto the cookie sheet. Spacing doesn’t matter because you will be chilling the dough. Cover with plastic wrap and chill for at least 2 hours.

5. Preheat oven to 350°F. Line a second cookie sheet with parchment paper or a silicone baking mat.

6. Remove the chilled cookie dough balls from the refrigerator and space them 2 - inches apart on the cookie sheets. Bake ( 2 tablespoon sized cookies ) for 11 - 15 minutes, or until the edges are a light golden and the tops are no longer glossy. Let cool on the cookie sheets at least 10 minutes before removing.

*Recipe Notes

Try using white chocolate chips or a combination of milk, semi - sweet, and white chocolate chips instead of all one flavor. You can even substitute butterscotch or peanut butter chips, or add your favorite nuts. Just keep the amount of add - ins to 1 1/2 cups.

*Nutrition Information

Serving: 1cookie | Calories: 150kcal | Carbohydrates: 20g | Protein: 1g | Fat: 6g | Saturated Fat: 4g | Cholesterol: 18mg | Sodium: 83mg | Potassium: 16mg | Sugar: 14g | Vitamin A: 155IU | Vitamin C: 0.1mg | Calcium: 20mg | Iron: 0.6mg

*Nutritional information not guaranteed to be accurate

***

❄ Three Wishes ❄

***

IV

***

V has been staring at the peanut butter cookie in his hand for the past half hour.

Admittedly, the events that took place earlier during the day in the Red Grave shopping district has been weighing heavily on his mind. 

Yes, the atmosphere ( despite the place being jam - packed with Christmas holiday shoppers ) was perfect, the movie ( although the majority of the scenes were not very tolerable ) was eye - candy, the food ( which was uniquely and refreshingly Japanese for him ) was great, even the little trip to the music shop ( which almost tempted him to buy a new violin of his own ) was calm and peaceful.

All in all, it was almost perfect. Almost.

What really took the perfect moment from him was that Christopher Lancaster guy. Again.

After defeating the evil doctor almost two months ago, V seriously thought that it was the end of that fiend. He truly believed that the evil doctor was rotting away in the fiery pits of the Underworld, his flesh being fed to a multitude of famished Demons. Alas, he was wrong: it turned out that he, like you, was reincarnated, and, apparently, he was your former lover.

The ride on the way back to Swan Lane was the most awkward moment that V has ever experienced. Although Nico's driving was normal for once, V, or Griffon, wasn't able to say anything to lessen the tension in the air. In fact, one could safely say that the demonic bird and the noisy Artisan were both tongue - tied for once. Despite knowing that his familiar ( who was still feeling salty after being left alone in the house ) and the Artisan ( who was feeling extra curious and mischievous to know the status of your relationship with him ) teamed up to spy on your very first date with V, the poet just couldn't bring himself to scold either one of them. He knew it would only make you even more uncomfortable, and the least thing he wanted was for you to feel bad.

The one hour ride from the shopping district to your house ended with you nodding to him and entering your house without even saying a word. So, naturally, V was worried sick about you.

What happened between you and that man that made you feel like that? Did he hurt you? Humiliated you, then left you? Lancaster did have strong opinions about your domestic personality. What did he mean by that, anyway?

Wait a second, V thought as some awful feeling made his stomach turn. Did Lancaster - ?!

"WHOA, V! WHERE WILL YA BRING THAT COOKIE?!" Griffon, who was quietly observing V from his perch for the past half hour as his master stared at the said cookie in his hand, squawked and flapped his wings erratically, positively shocked upon witnessing the poet's weird behavior.

V noticed how his actions must have startled the bird, opened his mouth wide, and finally ate the cookie whole.

Hmm, yum,...

V swallowed and turned to Griffon. "That man must've done something that made her feel that way." He said quietly as if someone's listening or spying on him.

"Well, yeah, of course he did! What do ya expect?" The bird answered. "That man is evil! I should've plucked his eyeballs out but, that crazy bitch stopped me and called me a chicken!"

Griffon's words successfully started the fire, making V's eyes widen in both shock and anger. The man grabbed his metal cane from the sofa and started making his way towards the front door, sweater, loose pants, fluffy slippers, and all. The man would've walked outside without any protection from the harsh cold weather if it weren't for Griffon's intervention.

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WAIT!" The bird flew towards V at a break - neck speed and yelled at his master's face, desperately trying to prevent the poet from storming outside and killing himself in the process. "WHAT DO YA THINK YE'RE DOIN'?!"

"What I'm doing,... is putting an end to that miserable man's life once and for all."

"I get ya! I get that he may have done somethin' to sweets - HEY, LISTEN TO ME!" Griffon screeched as he tried his best to stop V from going outside by grabbing onto his shirt with his talons, almost ripping the white fabric to shreds.

But, the poet would not be stopped. Despite the demonic bird's efforts, he still made his way towards the door. He grabbed the brass door knob and turned to his familiar one last time before throwing it open. "I swear: if he so much as touch a single strand of her hair, I will send him back to the Underworld where he belongs! I don't care if I die in the process! I want to see him suffer and I don't care if it's the last thing I see before I die!"

"NO, NO, NO, V! YE'RE BEIN' RECKLESS! YE'RE - !"

But, Griffon was too late. V managed to open the door, and,...

The poet and the familiar stared in disbelief at the figure standing before them. Slightly shivering and partly covered with snow was none other than the lovely female that almost drove V to murder.

"(Y/N)?" Both V and Griffon muttered in disbelief. 

How long have you been standing there in the cold?!

Were you,...

Were you listening all this time?!

You smiled at him as you held a small container closer to your chest. "Hi, V! Umm, did I, ahh, come at the wrong time?"

"No! I mean," V stuttered as Griffon quietly retreated to his former position near the shelves. Stepping aside to make way for you, he spoke, " ... please, come in. Make yourself at home."

"Ah! There's no need. I won't stay for too long. I,... just wanna ask for a favor, actually."

"What favor?"

Griffon, who deliberately heard this, sneaked back towards V and positioned himself just behind the door next to the poet to listen to the conversation. Shadow, who seemed to have picked up on the situation, as well, only squinted her eyes as if to let her fellow familiar do his thing.

"You see, uhm," You began quite awkwardly. As used as you were to talking to the opposite gender, you still couldn't shake the unfamiliar feeling you have when talking to V. There seemed to be something in the poet, in the way he looked at you, touched you, and spoke to you, that pulled you in like a moth to the lamp, or the lamb to its shepherd, and you have mixed feelings about this, honestly.

However, it was not the right time to be musing about the mystery that was V. Taking a deep breath and inching closer towards him, you spoke once more. " ... I've heard from Nico that you can play the violin."

"Oh! Why, yes, of course!" V, who caught a whiff of your lovely flowery - scent cologne and going internally crazy about it, confirmed with a huge smile on his face. "How can I help you?"

"Can I invite you to work tomorrow? Do you still have that violin of yours?"

"She's asking him out!" Griffon whispered back to Shadow. After hearing this, she stood from the fluffy carpet and made her way to the demonic bird to also listen in on the conversation.

"I'm afraid that - "

"You can't come?" You whispered, feeling sad and disappointed with his answer. "It's okay, though. I understand. It's all too sudden, after all."

"The shy boy is ruinin' it!" Griffon savagely whispered, making Shadow raise her paw in an effort to push her master forward towards you.

"No! W - what I mean is," V stuttered ( at the same time Shadow’s paw almost made contact with his bottom ), wanting to clear out the confusion. " ... I'm afraid I don't have a violin right now. I would love to go but,..."

You knitted your brows, your mind deep in thought. Then, raising a gloved hand and pointing at the ceiling, you looked back at him with your eyes wide open. "My partner has one! I mean, she left it there, I know! You see, we have a thanksgiving party tomorrow, and we're short on participants. My partner was supposed to play the violin during one of the book reading sessions. But, she said she needed to take a break.”

"Is that so?" His confused face finally clearing up and his tensed shoulders finally relaxing, he smiled and nodded. "I can do that, yes. I will come."

Griffon and Shadow peaked just in time to see you leaping in the air in excitement and grabbing V's sleeve with your free hand as you smiled all too brightly at him.

"Thank you so much! Oh, God! You don't know how relieved I' am to know that you'll come."

"Anything for you, my dear." V answered, once again making your face heat up. "What time shall I pick you up?"

Oh, why does he have that killer, adorable, smug smile?! "Oh, uhm, would seven in the morning be okay? The program won't start until eleven but, we still have to prepare."

"Seven o'clock, it is."

"And here, gran insists I give you this."

V received, yet, another jar of cookies. Classic chocolate - chipped, this time. And it's still so warm and looked so delicious,...

"Could you, please, deliver my gratitude to your sweet gran?" V asked, knowing how much Adelaide missed her own grandfather, who looked exactly like him.

"Will do." You smiled at him. "See you tomorrow, V!" Taking a step back, you waved at him and finally went back home.

"Good night, my dear." V said, also waving at you as he was watching you make your way safely to your house. And when he turned around, he noticed both Shadow and Griffon looking up at him.

"Ohoho, someone's gonna get fat this Christmas!" Griffon mocked as he focused his golden eyes on the jar at V's hands. "Hey, we're invited, right?"

***

❄ @la-vita , @clevermentalitybeliever , @v-vic , and @birdgirl69 . ❄

***

❄❄❄

***

[artificialqueens]

Places Adore and Bianca Were Nearly Caught Having Sex (3/?) (Biadore) - Miss Alyssa Secret

Anon request from AQ - Roy goes into a lingerie store to buy thongs for Danny. Bonus he grabs a whip while at the counter for good measure.

All of the above with a Miss Alyssa twist ;)

A/N: Recognize the title? Anon, I finished writing this before seeing your airport request. Next time! -MAS

******** Victor’s Secret

The mall should be used as a torture device, Roy decided. The gaggles of teenagers (all genders, sexualities, and sizes) on their phones and generally causing mayhem were bad enough. Add to it people with what felt like dozens of misbehaving kids, and even his patience gave out.

It was incredibly tempting to go shop as Bianca if only to be able to yell, “Get the fuck outta the way!”. On second and third thought, getting into drag on a day off wasn’t terribly appealing, and if he did that there was no way he’d be able to get any actual shopping done at all.

Also? He wasn’t particularly interested in the legions of Drag Race fans knowing which socks he bought.

He kept a polite smile plastered on his face as he was jostled by the crowd, intent on getting out of there as fast as possible. There was gridlock on one of the pedestrian bridges, and he rolled his eyes. Roy was just about to attempt a detour when a very pink advertisement caught his eye.

Pivoting, he made his way into the store. His senses were immediately assaulted by the cloying smell of multiple perfumes in a small space and the music turned up to painful levels. He forged onwards, past the racks of overpriced negligees and robes. The corsets received a snort of professional disdain - the showy D-rings and ribbons would never hold up to actual wear, and most women he knew weren’t proportioned like anime characters.

At last, he reached a quieter area, ignoring the side eye he was getting from the teenage girls. Danny had an amazing ass, one he happily showcased with his collection of underwear. Roy considered and discarded the notion that he would consider receiving women’s lingerie an insult. His sometimes lover was secure enough in his self and sexuality that he’d probably be intrigued if presented with a bundle of lace and bows.

With that in mind, he surveyed the table whose sign proclaimed “6 for $32!”. He bought Bianca’s black panties online to avoid the hassle, and idly wondered if he ought to pick her up a couple of pairs.

The lacy boy shorts had some promise, as did the cheeky panties. Roy waited until a young couple moved out of the way (with the level of disinterest from the guy, he hoped she moved on to better prospects), and crouched to dig through the drawers of thongs. There were animal prints that Danny would likely love, and silky ones with tiny gold hearts. He held up a pair, trying to determine if it was the right size. Unfortunately, even the XLs probably didn’t have enough fabric left to contain a dick and balls, and he sighed in disappointment.

”Is there anything I can help you with, sir?”

Roy turned to find a black-clad twenty-something smiling cheerfully down at him.

“Oh, those are really cute!” She nodded at the panties he already held.

“Uhhh, thanks,” he muttered, thanking small mercies that she wasn’t a Drag Race fan.

”I’m sure she’ll love them,” she continued. “Any occasion you’re shopping for?”

If only she knew.

”Well, ummm, I just wanted to see if…”

Roy cringed internally, hoping he didn’t sound like a creepy straight guy.

”That’s totally fine. We have guys in here all the time shopping for their girlfriends.” She handed him a basket with a wink.

Telling her, “I’m trying to see if the thong would fit my drag queen unlabeled-but-important-relationship-person/lover,” probably wasn’t going to get her to go away any faster than lying.

“Errr, thank you. I think I’m just going to look at a few more…”

”Of course. My name’s Tina if you need any help.”

He breathed out a hefty sigh of relief, waited until she was busy with another customer, and put all of the panties he was holding back before making his escape.

********

As predicted, Danny was vastly amused when he described his adventure into Victoria’s Secret. He’d accompanied a few female friends in the past, but going solo was something else.

”You know,” Danny grinned and wiped a stray bit of cum off Roy’s lower lip, “I wouldn’t say no to going underwear shopping together.”

His attempt to answer was lost as Danny tugged him to his feet, pushed him onto the bed, and climbed on top. Roy forgot exactly what he’d been trying to say when a clever hand closed around his cock and started jerking him off with perfectly timed strokes.

There was something to be said about fucking your best friend, he mused as they laid together while the sweat cooled.

********

Roy thought he could be forgiven for not remembering their conversation a couple of weeks later. When he mentioned going to the toy store for more lube and condoms, Danny’s eyes lit up.

“Oh! Hey, what about going to one that sells underwear?”

”Underwear?”

”Yeah, you could help me pick some out.”

He concentrated on not spitting wine onto the couch, taking in Danny’s enthusiastic expression and his own arousal at the thought.

”Fine, but if I’m paying I get to decide if they’re worth it.”

The wineglass was removed from his hand, and he suddenly had a lapful of Danny.

”Cool. Can I suck your dick before we go?”

********

He had long since stopped being embarrassed or self-conscious about shopping for intimate items, but Danny brought an entirely new dimension to it. Whereas alone or with other friends it was a humorous and fun process, the filthy things Danny was whispering in his ear were making it increasingly difficult to conceal his growing erection.

They were standing in front of the wall of lube, and had been for the last several minutes while Danny described in graphic detail what they could do with each.

”…and then I’ll make you lick my ass, and-“

Roy squeezed his thighs together in a vain attempt to quell the throbbing in his balls.

”Angel,” he muttered through gritted teeth, “pick one and let’s go before I drag you into the fitting room and fuck you.”

In hindsight, he should have realized that it was the exact opposite of a threat, but he blamed it on most of the blood in his brain rapidly heading south.

“Okay!” Danny chirped happily, dropping three different bottles into the basket and pulling Roy by the hand towards the lingerie.

By the time they’d agreed on a half dozen thongs and jockstraps (“Do you ever think we’re a little too stereotypically gay?” “Fuck all the way off.”), Roy had managed to get his raging hard on mostly under control. He wasn’t paying enough attention, however, to realize that Danny wasn’t heading towards the register until a bored staff member reminded them that all lingerie must be tried on over existing undergarments.

He opened his mouth to protest, but Danny was already pulling him into one of the fitting rooms and sliding the curtain shut, pushing Roy down onto the single chair inside.

”Why are you trying them on? We could just head home and-“

Roy’s mouth fell open as Danny dropped his pants to reveal the skimpiest thong he’d ever seen before.

“You said you wanted to make sure you liked them before you paid,” he grinned wickedly, tongue peeking out from between his teeth.

Danny stepped into one of the jockstraps, pulling the bright purple elastic into place over his hips. He made a show of adjusting his package cupped by the fabric in front, then turned around and shook his ass.

He gave Roy an expectant look, eyes narrowing at the crossed arms and weak glare.

”Gonna tell me what you think?”

”Angel, if you don’t hurry up I’m going to get us kicked out of here for public indecency.”

He crossed his legs as well, refusing to give Danny the satisfaction of watching him nudge the renewed erection into a more comfortable position in his pants.

Instead of arguing, Danny surprised him by poking his head out past the curtain.

”Excuse me?” He was using his Adore voice, slightly breathy and flirty. Roy shifted the basket onto his lap as the tattooed clerk approached, shaking her neon dyed hair and generally giving the air of can’t be bothered.

”Yeah?” She sounded even less interested than she looked, which was impressive.

”I need an opinion and my friend is being dumb,” Danny shot a glance at Roy who gave them a tight smile. “Does this make my ass look good?”

The young woman took one look at Roy, taking in the way he was sitting and his expression of long-suffering frustration, and abruptly broke into a fit of giggles.

”Oh I bet he’s dumb right now. Yeah,” she snapped her gum and gave Danny’s ass a quick once-over, “I’d say you should buy those.”

”Thank you.” Danny was laying it on even thicker, and she shook her head before walking away still laughing.

”Hmmm…”

Danny prowled across the small space, pushing the basket aside to straddle his lap and rubbing the substantial bulge against Roy’s chest. The tip of his cock stretched the fabric upwards, nudging his chin, and Roy closed his eyes for a moment. He could smell Danny’s arousal, and it was rapidly degrading his sense of control.

Giving in, he met Danny’s challenging state before slipping one hand inside both layers of fabric and tugging out his half-hard cock. Still watching, he leaned forward and closed his lips around the head, giving it a few good sucks before letting it pop free.

”Fuck…”

Roy licked up the underside with teasing flicks of his tongue before dipping into the slit.

”…yeah…”

”You two still doing okay in there?”

They both froze as the clerk’s voice came from the other side of the curtain.

“Uhh, yeah, thanks!” Roy hoped he didn’t sound too panicked.

”Shit,” Danny muttered as her footsteps receded.

”Come on.” Roy pushed him back gently and stood, grabbing the basket. “Get dressed and lets get out of here.”

”Don’t you want to see the rest of them?”

He tossed the jockstrap in with the rest, and Roy stopped to stare at the thong stretched tight over Danny’s erection.

”I’m buying them all.”

At the register, the clerk gave them both a knowing and far too amused look before ringing them up. Danny squirmed against Roy’s side as he eyed the display of riding crops.

“No.”

”B…”

Accepting his card back, Roy shoved the bag into Danny’s hands and smiled at the clerk. She bid them a cheerful day, and turned to help someone else.

”If you behave,” Roy hissed into Danny’s ear, “I already have one at home.”

Danny practically dragged them out of the store.

”Party!”

[fimblo]

Observations and reflections - DevOpsDays Stockholm 2019

Last time I attended a DevOpsDays conference was in Gothenburg, 2011. At the time I worked as an Operations engineer, and the conference was really inspiring and useful for me for my day-to-day work.

When I heard that DevOpsDays was coming to Stockholm some six months ago, I decided to treat myself with it - with the hope that it would be just as good as last time. I had my doubts - after all, in the eight years since I last attended, I had worked mostly as a manager and toward the end, an Agile Coach.

I needn't have worried.

If you put lots of awesome people in a venue, give them space to talk, feed them and supply them with interesting subject matter in the form of presentations and lightning-talks, the result can't be anything less than motivating.

Here are some of my observations and reflections - some of them organisational, some of them technical, and the rest perhaps a little random.

The understanding of DevOps culture isn't as pervasive as I thought

After all my years at Spotify, where we built up this devops/agile/trust-based culture over time, it's easy to forget how it was at other workplaces. The wall between developers and operations. The paperwork and risks involved in deployments.

After working at a place where devops was so ingrained in how we worked, it became so easy to take it for granted. The problems some participants brought up in the Open Spaces were nightmarish - and I was surprised over how surprised I was.

It was a humbling experience.

Your "code" in your VCS for a project/epic should (must) be more than just the business logic. Your code needs to include config, tests, deployment logic etc.

This should be obvious, but I guess it isn't in some orgs. If you need to go back in time in your VCS to get a earlier working version of your project, you'll likely want to see how that version of your business logic was brought to life in prod.

DevOps is a culture where everyone works together to deliver and operate a feature for the customer.

… and automate the crap out of everything.

If your Definition of Done doesn't include the code hitting prod, you're misleading yourself.

Also, something something "adoption by at least one user"

If you have a dedicated DevOps team alongside your Ops, Dev and QA teams, you're doing it wrong.

… congrats, you just added another silo in your org.

Overheard: References to "Accelerate" by Nicole Forsgren et al

… awesome book, not surprised it came up here. If you haven't read it and you're an engineer(developer,sysadmin,tester,etc), or you're a manager or agile coach, it's definitely worth the read.

Some participants didn't see the connection between Agile/lean and DevOps

… while for others, of course, it was so obvious that it was difficult to explain, much like a mathematical axiom. Both require concepts such as:

Continuous improvement through reflection, sharing, and experimentation

Relationships based on trust

Feedback culture between individuals and teams

Failing fast.

Two different mindsets in orgs: Role and Mission mindset

Role mindset: I do what my role prescribes. This works (?) in orgs operating in ossified commodities markets, where the org/product/technology doesn't change very often.

Mission mindset: I do what I can to achieve the mission. This mindset works if you're doing something new, experimental, or risky. If you don't know what the market will look like tomorrow. Why limit yourself to a role generated by an organisational system designed (even with the best of intents) to solve yesterday's problems?

Overheard about hypergrowth: Throwing people at a problem only introduces more handovers.

Fun way of expressing the problem. Here are my thoughts on what happened during early Spotify days on the matter:

Growing the engineering org to add capacity often leads to people using recruitment as an excuse to not have to sort and truncate the epic backlog, leading to an org unable or unused to the difficult task of prioritisation and saying no to important initiatives.

Also, hypergrowth will unfortunately lower capacity initially thanks to time spent on recruitment and onboarding. The more you hire during a short period, the deeper and longer the cost in capacity. Also, # of incidents due to lack of tactile knowledge will rise, pulling focus away from new deliveries in favour of stabilising the system.

Was surprised when I found out that a Post-mortem at Google was a document, not a meeting

At Spotify, the term "Post-mortem" refers primarily to a meeting. At Google, it refers to a document. The purpose of the two are the same - to fix the root cause(s) and enable learnings from failures. The main difference IMO seems to be the scope of the post-mortem. At Google, the post-mortem document is written primarily by one person and shared with the whole org and posterity. At Spotify, the result of a post-mortem is a shared understanding among engineers and stakeholders of why and how the system failed. The focus is on raising empathy thereby lowering the threshold for sharing learnings in person.

Even if I knew that Google conducted post-mortems, it had never occurred to me that it could be done differently. How many other assumptions have I made over the years?

Overheard: Can DevOps culture happen in a centralised command-and-control org?

This question was discussed or touched upon multiple times during the two days, and the discussions leaned strongly toward the opinion that the engineers who write, test, deploy and maintain the code are best suited to make the decisions necessary to do their work. If they are given relevant information (business info, purpose of the project, who the end-users are, budget, etc) they will make good decisions.

My own musings on giving people mandate, or empowering people:

What we want to do to enable the above is to remove the obstacles which hinder people's natural propensity to take initiative. If you are discussing 'giving mandate' or 'empowering' your staff, there's already something iffy IMO. Mandate isn't something which is given - it's something humans innately possess. Instead of telling someone they now have mandate, consider how your organisation removes mandate from a person. What control mechanisms do you have in place? Identify these, and for each consider why said mechanism is in place. What problem did they solve? Is the problem still a thing? Is there another way of solving the problem without depriving mandate from your teams?

Also - What is the social cost of failure in your org? How do formal and informal leaders react to failure? People can have all the mandate in the world and still feel disempowered if they are scared of public shaming.

Overheard: "Distributed monolith"

In the attempt to transform a backend from monolith to microservice, there's a risk of ending up with a distributed monolith - where one suffers the disadvantages of both monolith and microservices.

If your microservices operate with knowledge of the internals of other services,

If your microservices know what services exist upstream,

If many microservices share a database (or worse, share tables (or gasp, write to the same tables)

… then you probably operate a Distributed Monolith.

On scary deployments

Fear of failure drives out creativity and smothers innovation. And you're likely to be working in an environment where innovation and creativity is paramount. Fear isn't binary - it's a spectrum with with gradually increasing magnitudes - from slight nervousness all the way up to sheer panic. So you might not be terrified when about to deploy something to prod, but anxious. Or nervous.

But this tension shifts our focus from what we like to do - create, experiment and learn. From the company perspective, the fear of failure in teams leads to deploys once every couple months, during a weekend, in the middle of the night.

So what we want to do is change how we do things to decrease our fear and raise our confidence. Each thing below can help you and your team do this:

Release smaller changes: This will make it easier to review your code and understand it. Also, the potential risk of failure becomes smaller since the release is a small one.

Release often to production: You'll find bugs in your release process much more often if you go from one release a month to multiple a day. And you'll start to trust your process more if you do it often,

Automate your release process to reduce human error.

Use feature flags to apply your changes to a smaller demographic, and to be able to decouple deployment of code from when it impacts the user.

Write tests to verify the knowns.

Ensure that monitoring of the service exists from the get-go to detect early signs of system failure or degradation and to get data for troubleshooting and later, for your blameless post-mortem.

All in all, the conference was fun and inspirational. It felt good to be able to both learn from others and at other times, to share my experience and thoughts with others. 10/10, will definitely do this again :)

[brylcighs]

✧·ﾟ(   demeter + maia mitchell + cis female   ) 𝒎𝒂𝒎𝒎𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒂 !!  have you seen (   bryleigh fox   ) around ? (   she   ) has been in kaos for (   two months   ). the (   twenty-four year old   ) is a (   baker   ) from (   boulder, colorado   ). people say they can be (   stoic   ) but maybe that’s not too bad ‘cause they can also be (   ebullient   ). whenever i think of them, i can’t help but think of (   warm blueberry muffins, black and white movies, and sunny, cloud-free mornings   ).  ·ﾟ✧  (  penned by shiloh, 21+, est, she/her   ).

trigger warnings: mental illness, ptsd, anxiety, depression, a car accident, health problems related to fertility, scars/burns, low self-esteem, drinking. ( i think that’s it, but if you run across something else triggering, pls let me know and i’ll add it to the list. )

THE MUN.

‘lo ! i’m shiloh, but you can call me shy. i’m 28, i live in the est and my preferred pronouns are she/her. 

i’m a school-based therapist and work in an elementary school. with it being summer, i don’t really have a lot going on ! so you’ll see me around quite a bit. 

i have two small puppos, minerva and newt, who are my pride and joy. p.s.: if you couldn’t tell from their names, i’m a huge harry potter fan. i also love young adult literature, i’m a true crime buff and could eat pepperoni hot pockets every day for the rest of my life. 

if you’d like to talk, you can im me on this account, on my rph @shilohrph or ask me for my discord and we can chat there !

and without further ado, allow me to introduce lil miss bryleigh. 

BASIC INFORMATION.

name: bryleigh olivia fox.

age: twenty-four.

gender/pronouns: cis femae & she/her.

orientation: panromantic pansexual. 

olympian: demeter.

occupation: head baker at physis taverna.

faceclaim: maia mitchell.

BACKGROUND.

bryleigh olivia fox was born may 8th, 1995 at 10:12am in kaos, greece to colonel william matthew fox and emma alison stewart-fox.

she has one older brother, lucas daniel fox, who is 28 and an architectural engineer. he’s married to sofia maite valdez-fox, twenty-four. they have a one-year-old daughter,  luciana irene fox. 

bryleigh also has one younger sister, peyton emelia fox, who is 20 and a college student studying communications. she’s engaged to  micah cole butler, twenty-two. they two-year-old twins addison hayley butler and aiden bryant butter. peyton is also currently 10 weeks pregnant.

because of her father’s occupation, the family has lived in different cities all over the world. besides kaos, the fox’s lived in bangkok, thailand, comayagua, honduras, misawa, japan, burkina faso, west africa,  vicenza, italy and pampanga, philippines. i made a handy dandy timeline which you can view here to better break it down.

bryleigh attended and graduated from the auguste escoffier school of culinary arts in boulder, colorado and lived there for about four years.

while living in boulder, her roommate and best friend, sofia, started dating and subsequently married her brother, lucas.

because her aesthetic is running when things get tough/complicated, bryleigh left boulder a few months after ber brother and best friend were married and moved back to kaos, greece. 

she lived in kaos for a year, living above the tavarna where she was head baker. she loved it and kinda looks back on it as the best time of her life. but a rough patch in a relationship caused her to - again - flee, returning to boulder. 

about a month after moving back to boulder, she was in a serious car accident. her vehicle slid on black ice and flipped. she almost died, but managed to pull through.

on top a concussion, many broken bones, several severe burns, some internal bleeding and innumerable cuts, scrapes, and bruises, bryleigh’s pelvis was fractured and her fallopian tubes were crushed. she also later developed  asherman’s syndrome from the surgeries/scar tissue forming. this has basically rendered her infertile. 

after the accident, bryleigh had to move in with her brother and sister-in-law/former best friend. not only did they smother bry trying to take care of her, but sofia was pregnant at the time. this served as a constant reminder of all she’d lost. 

so, as soon as she was cleared to be on her own, she told lucas and sofia that she was going to visit kaos for her birthday.

except that she was actually moving back there and didn’t want to have to deal with their worry and concern and attempts to talk her out of it. queen of running from her problems.

bryleigh has been back in kaos for about two months, and it’s not the carefree, serene place she remembered.

actually, that’s not true. it’s still the place she remembered. she’s just not the same person she once was. no matter how much she tries to pretend she is.

you can read more about her here if you feel so inclined. 

PERSONALITY. 

bryleigh is a bit of a complicated lil nugget. she’s like an onion, ya know ? she has layers. one one hand, she’s this bubbly, happy-go-lucky, upbeat ball of sunshine. but on the other hand, she’s really struggling with ptsd from the crash, as well as a good heaping of anxiety and depression. so she has times where she’s really distant and reticent.

as the ‘mom friend’, she’s always been the person that people turn to. she’s the shoulder to lean on. she’s the one who gives amazing advice. she’s the one who seems wise beyond her years. she’s the one who tells you to stop leaning back in your chair because you’re going to fall over or sets water and tylenol beside your bed after a night of partying. she cares a whole lot. like, an insane about. which is a blessing and a curse. 

what she’s struggling with post-accident is opening up about how she’s doing and how she’s really feeling, beyond the facade that she puts on for everyone. it’s like she’s physically incapable of letting people see that she’s struggling. bry doesn’t want to put that burden on anyone, ya know ? so, she’s kind of suffering in silence and bottling everything up. which is super healthy, i know. 

sarcasm and dry humor are two of her favorite coping skills. she’s also really great at self-deprecating humor !

the accident left her with quite a lot of scars and several skin grafts from having third-degree burns treated, and she’s incredibly self-conscious about them. she covers her low self-esteem up with jokes and humor, but she really is quite sensitive about her appearance. 

as i mentioned, she tends to run from her problems rather than addressing them. and if she can’t run, she makes a joke out of them and doesn’t take them seriously. or she bottles up all the emotions from the problem and pretends it’s not a big deal. i know. her coping skills are so healthy.

the only thing that bryleigh has ever wanted is to be a mom. she’s basically had baby fever since she was old enough to understand the birds and the bees. she always imagined being a stay-at-home mom, taking care of a shew of children and her husband/wife. but since the accident, she’s not sure if that’s what she still wants of her life. she no longer has no direction, and really feels like she’s floundering.

part of her is worried about having kids ( through adoption or surrogacy or on the off-chance that she can naturally conceive ) because the hate in her heart after the accident is so dark and consuming and terrifying. she feels like maybe the car accident did more than break her bones. maybe it broke her as a person. and maybe she’s not capable of loving someone now. or if she is, she’s worried that what she loves will get taken from her. and she doesn’t know if she can stand to lose anything else. 

EXTRA.

she starts every morning with a cup of black coffee and a banana nut muffin and ends every evening with a cup of peppermint tea and two homemade jaffa cakes.

bryleigh has a chocolate labrador retriever named yolo. he’s ancient. she’s not really sure how old he is, but the shelter she adopted him from said that he’d been there for several years. so, she absolutely had to take him home with her. yolo’s very loving and sweet and a lil lazy and he loves pitless olives. she has huge birthday parties for him on his gotcha day, august 12th. 

her walls are covered with abstract art from a bunch of different countries. they remind her of her childhood and everywhere she’s traveled. 

favorite thing in the world to do is have a bunch of her friends over, make a slew of homemade pizzas and desserts, pop open several bottles of rosé wine, throw pillows and blankets all over the floor and watch movies of various genres until everyone falls asleep. 

she loves 80′s music and prefers to listen to records rather than stream music or what have you. it sounds more authentic that way. at least, in her opinion. 

her apartment looks like a forest. she has plants everywhere. e v e r y w h e r e. she’s also a really good plant mom and has named all of her children. she talks to them and knows their favorite songs. maybe she’s a tad bit psychotic. who isn’t, though ?

since the accident, she’s developed a huge fear of driving. she won’t drive. ever. she either walks, rides her bike or takes an uber. if she can get away with not having to ride in a car, though, she much prefers that option. i mean, can you blame her ?

she loves astrology and tarrot readings and ghost hunts and talking about aliens and going on hunts for cryptids. she’s always thought there has to be more to life than what we can see, so she’s open to at least considering most everything, ya know ?

her closest friends call her foxy. everyone else calls her bry. some people call her bryleigh ? but i can’t imagine why. it’s a mouthful. 

send her memes and you’ll have her heart. she has a huge folder of them saved on her phone. there might or might not be more memes on her phone than actual pictures. hint: there totally is. 

bryleigh can speak english, spanish, filipino, greek, italian, thai, japanese, swahili, hausa and a little bit of a berber dialect to varying degrees of success. she’s most comfortable with english, spanish and greek, and least comfortable with the african languages. she can also write in a variety of writing systems, though not nearly as well as she can speak the languages. she’s forgotten a lot of the rules and method that go along with many of them.

PLOT IDEAS.

you can read about all my connection ideas right here !

NOTE: i’m open to pretty much anything, so if you have an idea, run it by me ! more than likely, i’ll approve and start rambling off ideas and headcanons and half-formed thoughts until you politely tell me to shut the fuck up. sounds fun, right ?

THE END.

thanks so much for reading this monster post ! i don’t know how to be concise. i’ve tried. i tried here. obviously, i failed. but i love you all. i can’t wait to write and interact with you all and your lovely, wonderful characters ! hasta la vista, baby.

[psychweeb]

Watamote Analysis Pt.2: More Than SAD?

Alright, so a quick overview: in my last post regarding Watamote (Watamote: An Intriguing Perspective On Social Anxiety), I discussed how many of the situations in Watamote, as well as the traits of the protagonist Tomoko Kuroki, indicate that she is suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder. This is a disorder that is characterized by extreme avoidance of social situations and people, to the extent where it is also considered “social phobia”. If you want to understand this concept more in depth, you can read my previous post, and there are many online resources that can provide more info- I recommend https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder as a great starting point, where I found many of the statistics and verified the information used in my last post.

Anyways, in this post, we will be continuing from where we left off. At the end of the last post, I acknowledged that while SAD seems to be the most plausible diagnosis for Tomoko, some other sources and discussions I came across online while researching suggested that she could be suffering from ASPD (anti-social personality disorder) or BPD (borderline personality disorder), either alongside SAD or alone. Both are widely associated with psychopathy and sociopathy, respectively. To begin, let’s first distinguish the differences and similarities between both. I will add that much of the information on these I’ve gathered is from notes from my abnormal psychology class, so I do genuinely believe it’s reliable- the rest will be in the list of sources.

Anti-social personality disorder, according to the  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5), can only be diagnosed after the age of 18- However, signs of it may emerge from around the age of 15 (defined as conduct disorder). Therefore, while she may have some traits of an ASPD affliction, it is already unlikely that Tomoko canonically suffers from this. Even though her age is never directly stated in the anime, she attends high school, implying she’s a teenager. Regardless, for the sake of the article, we’ll discuss some of the characteristics that classify it as its own diagnosis:

- Many behaviours of an individual with ASPD notably indicate a great focus on oneself, regardless of morals or ethical implications. Since they exclusively focus on themselves and personal gain, others are no more than pawns to use and aid them in their own pursuits. True intimate relationships are usually nonexistent due to issues with empathy and a general carelessness for others’ feelings. It is worth noting that, while all psychopaths are narcissists, not all narcissistic individuals exhibit behaviours of a psychopath. 

- Generally, they are manipulative liars, which ties into the above statement that they view others as “pawns”. They use their charm and wit, which they normally learn through observation of others, to convince others of their trustworthiness and integrate into society. 

- Normally, lack of remorse and impulsivity lead to criminal activity in these individuals. Irresponsibility and failure to learn from their mistakes is also commonplace.

BPD, on the other hand, does not have an age requirement to warrant diagnosis. It has been argued that, while Psychopathy/ASPD is within you from birth, despite the 18 or older diagnosis rule, Sociopathy/BPD is developed during one’s life. Some symptoms of it include: 

- Fears of abandonment or rejection. May push the individual to threaten self-harm or suicide.

- Unstable opinions of people and self-image or identity, such as shifting values and thoughts on others (which can intensify the above fears). Moods are also unstable in these individuals, and they often experience intense mood swings. 

- Paranoia caused by stress and losing touch with reality.

- Impulsivity, recklessness and irresponsibility (one symptom BPD shares with ASPD).

So, does Tomoko fit the bill for either of these? 

 I mentioned that narcissists and individuals with ASPD share similar self-centered behaviours. Tomoko does focus on herself, and appears to search for pity and validation among her peers, which narcissists tend to do. One instance that is frequently referred to to justify this argument is the scene in which she claims she has been “raped” to Yu, after hearing other girls in her class have been molested and feels left out. It can be interpreted as a way to exploit Yu’s friendship and get concern and pity from her- I, personally, just see it as another manifestation of her desire to fit in and be like her other peers. It is worth mentioning that, either way you interpret the objective of these questionable actions of her’s- whether fishing for pity or attempting to fit in, both would be indicative of ASPD. It’s a form of manipulative lying, as even if it doesn’t blatatly have any benefits for her, it provides her with some emotional gratification, either through a feeling of belonging or by offering the pity and concern she yearns for.

And that leads to another aspect of Tomoko’s personality worth contemplating-despite her undeniable disdain of her peers, she desires to be like them. I believe that a large part of this disdain towards other girls is actually jealousy, whether she realizes it or not. She attempts to be like them on multiple occasions, and fantasizes about being pretty and popular (although in her mind, this means being a “bitch”, solidifying her grudge/jealousy against other girls). In fact, a small part of her even seems to consider Yu a “bitch”. 

While being arrogant doesn’t always indicate ASPD, it is certainly a symptom, on account of the fact that it heavily ties into narcissism. Again, narcissism doesn’t automatically mean psychopathy- but in this case, it seems it would tie into something greater, since she actively lied and used her closest friend to feed her narcissism.

This arrogance may be a coping mechanism of sorts, a way to help her accept that she is not like them (”who would want to be a basic bitch?”), but her constant cognitive dissonance and changing opinions are indicative of BPD. As I mentioned above, instability in feelings towards people and situations is one of the . Some days, she hates the girls around her, other days she wants to be them. With Yu, Even though she’s a “bitch” like the rest of them, she appears to admire her beauty and popularity (ironically the key things that make her a “bitch”), and sometimes it’s even hinted at throughout the series that she has a crush on her.

*Side note: grabbing her butt is a very impulsive and reckless thing to do, as she isn’t considering Yu’s reaction or the consequences it may have of their friendship. 

Finally, Tomoko demonstrates the paranoia characteristic that is typically associated with BPD. Much of her stress and social anxiety is likely caused by SAD, but this stress undeniably worsens her paranoia. Consequently, she will lose touch with reality as the fear overtakes her- after all, even neurotypical people can drift off and begin to think up ludicrous situations when they’re extremely stressed. This losing touch with reality is VERY different from fantasizing, though, which she does often as well- daydreaming is not necessarily losing touch with reality. For instance, she sometimes daydreams that she has the looks of a sexy centerfold- but will eventually break out of this fantasy and realize she is herself again. Meanwhile, when in a state of panic, it is difficult for her to rationalize and think about the situation, more-so than for most people. In the infamous train scene - which is what leads to her “confessing” to Yu that she had been raped- she fears that she is being molested on the train when she feels something long and hard poking underneath her skirt. She nearly goes into hysterics. Even if she doesn’t blatantly show her fear until the end of the predicament, her internal monologue reveals her utter horror throughout her train ride.

 In reality, in just ended up being a schoolgirl’s stick (I’m unsure if it was a broomstick or what, honestly, but it was a long stick). Not a molester. In her defense, she doesn’t know what a penis feels like, but anyone in this situation probably would have been able to reason their way to the conclusion that it wasn’t. Tomoko jumps from conclusion to conclusion, letting her unrealistic thoughts feed her paranoia and fear.

In conclusion, I certainly think Tomoko suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder- there is no doubt in my mind about that. However, after doing some extensive research, I think it’s also plausible that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. While no trauma or particular cause of the emergence of BPD is shown in the anime, there is a flashback of her as a child in one episode, where she seems like a normal, pleasant child, which leads me to believe the wasn’t always like this. ASPD is not only something you inherently possess, but it seems a little extreme for Tomoko- I feel like she would feel guilt if she were to seriously hurt someone, or at least worry about the consequences afterward (even if her impulsivity prevented her from thinking about this beforehand). Her ever changing internal monologues regarding the things around her, as well as frequently becoming paranoid and losing touch with reality (which I think is worsened by her SAD) are all indicative of BPD. So, yes, I agree that she suffers from SAD and BPD- but not ASPD.

Sources:

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-diagnostic-and-statistical-manual-dsm-2795758- A resource I added for those who are unsure what the DSM is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dv8zJiggBs- A helpful video to distinguish between Narcissism, Sociopathy, and Psychopathy with Dr.Ramani Durvasula.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder Extensive notes on ASPD, good for anyone who wants to do further reading.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237 Extensive notes on BPD, for anyone who wants to do further reading.

My class notes from Psychology and Abnormal Psychology classes, which I have used to validate the info found in the above sources (with the exception of the DSM 5 definition and the youtube video).

* Cognitive Dissonance: In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. This discomfort is triggered by a situation in which a person’s belief clashes with new evidence perceived by the person. (Definition copied from Wikipedia.com).

[hegglespeggles]

Mental Illness, the Honour System, and the Commodification of Human Beings.

Hi. I’m Peggy. I have a mental illness.

    People talk a lot about mental illness. It’s kind of a Thing. It pops up when a teen commits suicide, or there is a mass shooting, but especially at Halloween, where monstrous “psychopaths” and “schizoids” charge at us with their chainsaws from the dark corners of haunted houses and our screens. Particularly, a good chunk of the discussion tends to centre on how to integrate these mentally ill people, with their strange green-skin and their funny antennae, into our society full of humans. I find a lot of this dialogue to miss the point, so like every person with an opinion and a keyboard, I’m going to offer mine.

    I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder when I was 15. When I was 19, those were both were discovered to be manifestations of PTSD from an emotionally abusive and neglectful childhood. I was hospitalized at 16 for a suicide attempt (the most successful in a chain which started when I was 12) and have been in therapy ever since. With the right combination of medications, therapy, and accommodations from my university, I am in my second year studying Music at Western University and have a part time job. I also do musicals with the campus theatre society and do a bunch of writing and composing and occasionally, stand-up comedy. I spend my summers working at an overnight camp and I want to be a music therapist when I finish school.

    I tell you all of this for two reasons. One, that I am not some waif withering away from some romantic disease, like a modern-day Victorian heroine. I am not some tortured saint who is just too delicate for this world. I am loud, and abrasive, I love my friends and strangers with the same ferocity and I give great advice. It just so happens that last week I was also spending about 4-6 hours a day staring at a very specific chink on my balcony because my brain was shutting down and I had no ability to focus and very little awareness of what’s happening around me. (This is what the psychologist-types would call a “Hypoarousal Trauma Response” and it is just as scary as it sounds.) This is a very foreign concept for a lot of people, and before I finish this I’ll probably end up trying to explain it even more, because yeah, part of what makes this such a hard concept to grasp is that even those who suffer from it have trouble describing it. Lumping us all together is difficult for the same reasons lumping cancer patients together is difficult. In the same way that leukemia, brain tumors and melanoma are all vastly different from each other, I could no sooner fully grasp what its like to have OCD, or schizophrenia, but I’m going to accept that your melanoma has different symptoms than my leukemia. Please don’t ask me what I did to catch it, or if I’ve tried this herbal remedy, or tell me that you don’t think that my medication is a good idea, because its messing with my brain. I know it does. That’s the point.

    Secondly, please understand that those with these illnesses are under no obligation to prove themselves to you. I have had many a boss or professor push for details of my diagnosis, to the point where one professor asked for the nitty-gritty of my abuse. And hey, I get it, we all love salacious gossip and exciting backstories on the people around us. But the problem is that what is your fun real-life soap opera, or your next conversation topic for Girls-night-in, that same problem is the reason that I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, or hyperventilate, shake, and vomit until I pass out. It’s the same way that while Game of Thrones is fun to watch, no one would want to live there.  I am offering my issues up as a platform and case study for discussion, and so please, I ask you to pick and prod and ask questions, (As any of my friends will tell you, I have dangerously little filter,) but the people you meet and interact with in the world, you must understand that their struggles are their own bruises to pick at and not yours. These are issues that we struggle to talk about with ourselves, let alone other humans. I understand the desire to verify the truth, but that is a job for professionals, (with all due respect,) not you.

    And that’s the crux of the issue isn’t it? Mental illness is antithetical to our society’s method of dealing with the ill. It’s not a linear healing journey, and its not always a cold that you can muscle through. Submitting the proper paperwork and showing up for disability meetings and the fighting and clawing and demanding the help with is your right (the difficulty of access to which is its own discussion) is something which is difficult and frustrating under the best of circumstances, and is infinitely more difficult when the very nature of your illness is to convince you that you are an unworthy burden, sapping any focus and energy you had to do it anyway. Perhaps more frighteningly, it is an invisible illness. There is no way to tell if someone is faking it or not, and in our empirical, productivity-based society, that is a frightening notion: if some people, not for lack of trying or desire to do so, cannot function at peak efficiency most of the time, how do we measure their worth?

    I can feel your incredulity, but I mean it. We pay a lot of lip service to being well rounded and self-care, which to my delight is becoming more and more mainstream, but for most it’s a lofty dream, on par with being a Best-Selling Novelist, or owning a home in Toronto. But check some twitter bios, and go on some first dates, or a party with lots of people with people you don’t really know, and you’ll notice we define ourselves by our careers, what we do, not who we are. So, what do I say when I spend an alarming amount of time fetal on my floor this morning because I didn’t have the energy to get up, and even if I did, my brain is screaming how burdensome I am to any system with which I interact?

    See, we grew up in this culture too. We internalized that otherness and vague discomfort with mental illness too, often long before symptoms started manifesting. So, all that frustration and confusion at how we can’t just get up and do things, we feel that too. It all adds to the melange of confusion and self-hatred. On top of that, we see the same people who wear their neurodivergence like a shiny new thing which separates them from the normies who just don’t get it. Believe me, it makes me just as angry. I would do just about anything on this earth to be one of those normies. I believe in self acceptance and loving yourself for who you are, right now, but I also must believe in the innate human lust for self improvement, and that we all must take active steps in our lives to better ourselves every day. It’s hard, but it must be done. My illness is not beautiful, but it is also not a flaw. It is a part of myself which a work everyday to improve, and that involves taking hard, humbling looks at how I interact with the world and working hard to turn that into tangible change. Again, this shows us where that tangible change gets sticky: its different for everyone. For me, that means working on my trust issues. In order to tell my friends something as small as my age and birthday, I had to be at least five glasses into a case of boxed wine and spent the next week a broken shell of a human crying in bed as a result. In a culture which vilifies mental illness, and expects objective proof of things, where do I go from here? Surely, this is not my fault, as this was a misstep in an ever-present journey to be the best version of myself that I can be. Likewise, how do I, or anyone around me, know whether I’m faking it? How do my professors know that I am not just blowing off class because I don’t want to go?

    Now of course, I’m lucky. I am a white, pretty, middle-class woman who has a very agreeable personality. This means people are more likely to give me lots of extra chances and help me out. My family had the money to put me into therapy. I’m also lucky that I’ve had lots of experience pushing through the system, first trying to access support on my own when I was 13. This means I have no fear asking for accommodation, and I have the vocabulary to describe what I need. But what about people who don’t fit the key demographic for what we expect mental illness to look like? Or people who don’t know where to start, or think that they deserve it? What about men, who are just as likely to suffer from these issues but only a fraction as likely to seek help? And while we’re at it, what about people who will experience anxiety and depression without it being a full-on disorder? I am a rare unicorn in that I have the support I need, and the self assurance to speak up when I am not getting it. But why should someone in my position, which I stress again, is an almost impossible best-case scenario, be the only person who is allowed to access support to it’s fullest? Even with a well documented diagnosis and disability accommodations, I have professors and bosses who express disappointment in my inability to function. It leaves me wanting to scream “I know! I’m angry at myself too!”

    The best way to explain it is that it feels a bit like having your insides vacuum sealed to the point where breathing feels like trying to pull against the vacuum, being blindfolded and thrown naked into a pool of maple syrup which has thumbtacks at the bottom and trying to make it to some nebulous “other side” of the pool. Meanwhile everyone in your life is waiting on the other side of a door for you and you can hear them telling you that “you should be moving faster,” and that “you don’t have it that bad.” You also don’t want to be doing this, but you don’t know where the pool stops, how to avoid the thumbtacks, or how to move faster through the syrup. You start to wonder if the pool is infinite, is this just what your life is, and how you’ll ever accomplish anything.

    That’s why I need the support. Because its handy to get an extension on a paper when all of a sudden, the pressure of the vacuum seal is too strong, and I need to remember how to breathe. Its really nice to not be penalized for not going to a rehearsal because I was busy fishing a thumbtack out of my foot. And its difficult to describe what’s happening to me when I’m blindfolded, so I have no way to describe where I am. Everyone around me is waiting for me to get to the other side of the room, but they aren’t allowed in, so they can’t see that in order to do this, I have to traverse this surrealist obstacle course. My academic accommodation is someone telling my professors that my room is a bit more difficult than other rooms, and my therapist is up in the spectator gallery, talking me through it from the PA system. Medication is like a pair of flipflops. I’m lucky to have these things, but what about someone who doesn’t know how to work the PA system? Or someone who’s superiors think they’re taking a nap in that room? What about someone who doesn’t realize their room has a pool in it, and now they’ve fallen head-over-foot into it?

    This is why I’m about to propose a mildly radical thought: If someone says they’re struggling, believe them. Give them the benefit of the doubt, that they are actually doing their best. Yes, there will be people who abuse the system, but don’t you think that letting them go, is worth helping people who need it? Otherwise, we run the risk of throwing more thumbtacks in the pool of someone who is genuinely trying to meet you halfway. Likewise, these people are not delicate flower petals who just couldn’t cope with the difficulty of their room. They’re just as capable, and strong as anyone coming out of any other rooms. Maybe their syrup was a bit deeper, or there were more thumbtacks, or to this day they aren’t quite sure of the shape of the pool and they’ve tripped and fallen back in a few times. All that does is speak about their pool. Not them. They didn’t build the room, and they didn’t ask for this room so that you would pity them. Who would want to go through a room like that? All they want is someone waiting at the door and cheering them on, without hurrying them.

    When you live in a society that is timing how quickly you can get through rooms and how far you can get, it’s a wildly daunting task to not only believe that you can get through the room, but that doing so is worth risking stepping on another thumbtack, and making sure that you’re taking the air you need. For me, I don’t know if there will ever be a point where someone releases the vacuum seal, but that is something I can live with. I like so many others, am just desperately yelling to the people on the other side of the door to wait for me until I get there. I know I won’t be able to make it through with the times that other people have, and in our society’s way of measure success, that means I’m not as good. The only way to reconcile this is for us all to realize the differences in our rooms, and that we might not be able to directly compare times. Its frustrating and complicated, that there wont be such a clear one-to-one comparison of our successes, but isn’t it that much more rewarding to know that you’re actually be timed for what you actually have to go through?

    So, my professors won’t know that I’m not faking it. My friends are waiting on the other side, and they’re probably getting annoyed at how long they have to wait for me. All I can do, all any of us can do, is call out to them that our room is a little bit weird, and that we’re still trying to make it to the other side, but it’s going to take a while. I guess I just hope that the world takes us at our word.

[mortythesp00k]

Review: Tokyo Ghoul Movie

I had mixed feelings when I first heard that Tokyo Ghoul was getting a live-action adaptation. I find most cinematic recreations of both books and manga usually fall short of their source material (I’m looking at you Death Note). However, I was pleasantly surprised by Tokyo Ghoul. I do not think it was a flawless film, but it did not leave me feeling disappointed like many adaptations of stories I greatly enjoy. I will be splitting my discussion of this movie into four parts that are labeled below. Before I begin, I would like to state a quick disclaimer: I have not seen many live-action adaptations of anime/manga. As a result, I will not be able to make too many comparisons between Tokyo Ghoul and its fellow adaptations. I am also from the west, so my idea for what makes a movie good is probably out of touch with the standards of cinema in Japan. All of that being said, I am happy to be discussing and sharing my opinions on the 2017 film adaptation of our beloved Tokyo Ghoul.

Plot:

In this section I am going to giving some general thoughts about the story of the movie and how much its deviations from the story presented in the manga affected its quality. First, there is something important that I need to get out of the way early in this review: the manga is always better. I am going to do my best to judge this movie on its own merits, but I cannot ignore the superiority of the source material.

Speaking of source material, I want to begin by talking about how much of the original Tokyo Ghoul manga that this movie actually covered. Basically, it adapted the beginning of the story and the Dove arc. I think this was the right choice. Trying to jam the Gourmet arc in would have made the movie feel bloated, sped the pacing of the movie up way too much, and created an odd sense of anticlimax after Mado’s death. I cannot even imagine what kind of disaster this movie would have been if they tried to adapt as far as the Aogiri arc. My only criticism of the choice of material to adapt is that Nishiki’s role in the story feels a bit more random (although it is far from irrelevant). We also do not get to see any of his redemption arc.  

Even with such a small amount of the Tokyo Ghoul narrative to work with, the movie still had to condense or remove some scenes to keep the runtime reasonable. Some of this I thought was well thought out and did not harm the story at all. Some examples include this scene:

Having Ryoko and Hinami already in Anteiku when Kaneki arrives seemed like a good way to introduce their characters earlier on without badly disrupting their or Kaneki’s story. Another example was the second appearance of Nishiki:

This scene fit with the narrative well and gives us the background information to Kaneki’s and Hide’s relationship. This method prevented the exposition from being completely forced in a much more awkward way or just completely absent. Having Hide attempt to answer for Kaneki was also a clever way to show more of the relationship between them.

Unfortunately, some scenes seemed to be stretched out for unclear reasons. The best example of this is Kaneki’s alleyway encounter with Nishiki and Touka. Instead of ending like this:

Kaneki runs away from Touka only to encounter her shortly afterwards taking the trash out at Anteiku:

This is where they have a tamer version of the infamous cake conversation before Yoshimura arrives and invties Kaneki inside. I am not sure why one of the most iconic scences from the early parts of Tokyo Ghoul was split like that, but I do not think it adds much to the film.

Overall, I think that the Tokyo Ghoul movie picked a good amount of the manga story to adapt and did not, for the most part, reduce its quality in adapting it.

Characters/Casting:

First up is our boy. Masataka Kubota nailed Kaneki’s personality and effectively used mannerisms and behavior to convey ideas that were expressed using internal monologue in the manga. I think he also succeeded in making Kaneki’s revulsion to human food (something I was worried would be super cringe-worthy if poorly acted) seem genuine and disturbing. His portrayals of Kaneki’s turbulent emotions were also spot on. 

Maybe I am just used to the more serious Hide we have been seeing in recent chapters of re, but Kai Ogasawara’s performance felt a bit too goofy. I did not get the feeling of a caring and intelligent mind that lurks beneath the jovial exterior, and I think that is a quintessential part of Hide’s character. However, Hide played a fairly small part in this film. I can’t fairly expect a ton of characterization given how little screen time he has.

Fumika Shimizu did a good job bringing Touka to the big screen. I do not have too much to say about her performance and the character played a fairly similar role to what she did in the manga. I think some facets of her personality (like eating Yoriko’s food) are not fleshed out enough in the film to make her as compelling a character as she is in the manga, but like I said for Hide, that was hard to do in a movie format.

Mado was probably the second best portrayed character (next to Kaneki). Yô Ôizumi did a great job with Mado’s focused, but unhinged, personality. Additionally, his dialogue did a great job of characterizing his dehumanizing view of ghouls. I also really appreciate the fact that they made an effort to give him a cockeyed appearance similar to his manga counterpart.

This was probably my least favorite of all the major characters. Maybe my memory of early Tokyo Ghoul is clouded, but it seems like Amon came across as much more of a general jerk in this film. His treatment of his subordinate and his incredible willingness to commit terrible acts seemed different from his manga counterpart. He just seemed too angry and one-sided. I did not get the feeling that he would be a character who would end up questioning much of what the CCG stood for later on.

Honorable Mentions:

Despite his incredibly minor role, I thought Kenta Hamano did a great portraying Enji. The Devil Ape’s unique sense of humor definitely came through. I would also like to give a shoutout to Shôko Aida. I think she did a good job bringing Ryoko’s character to life and not letting her admittedly odd role affect her performance.

Dishonorable Mentions:

Yomo was looking a little bit too fresh. I do not know how canonically old Yomo is, but Shuntarô Yanagi felt way too young. It was hard to see him as the serious character that he was in the manga and, to a lesser extent, this film as well. Also, where are the flowing silver locks? I’d also like to mention Hinami. I might just not like child actors, but I thought her performance was not compelling even with the emotionally loaded scenes she featured in.

Cinematic Elements:

I know that special effects are usually the most obvious point of criticism for anime/manga live-action adaptations, but I feel the need to mention it. Generally, the movies effects are not noticeably bad, but the kagune really stand out. I will admit that Kaneki’s kagune looks okay (although its motion is often jerky and awkward), but the other ones really suffer. I’m especially looking at Nishiki and Touka:

I missed Nishiki’s elegant dolphin tail and Touka’s gorgeous, kinetic wing. On a somewhat related note, I did not care for the CCG coats. This might be minor, but they looked too much like a costume instead of the relatively simple garment they are in the manga.

While the cinematography was generally quite good, there were some moments were more reliance on the manga might have helped. A good example is this scene:

Working in some of the most famous visuals from the manga might have made shots likes this a little more dramatic and would have been a nice way to pay homage to the source material (not that I can really fault the movie for not doing this).

I’d also like to draw some attention to some setting changes that bothered me. I think the change in location for both the Kaneki v. Nishiki fight and the Kaneki v. Amon somewhat detracted from those scenes. This problem was especially evident for me in Ryoko’s death scene:

I never realized how much I liked this scene being in a long, narrow alley until it wasn’t. I understand the limitation of shooting on location, but I thought this particular choice took away from the quality of a key dramatic moment in Tokyo Ghoul.

Unjustified Nitpicking:

I know you are probably thinking that my whole review belongs under this category, but I aim to prove you wrong. For these next few points I am throwing any attempt at objectivity to the wind and just listing some personal gripes that, while not objective flaws, still stuck in my craw while I was watching this movie.

First, the mask:

This is a prime example of “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it.” I really liked the mask design from the manga and am not sure why they chose this new look. I thought the flat human teeth were better visual imagery than the series of sharp, metallic teeth on the film version of the mask.

Next, I would like to point out some odd examples of foreshadowing (I guess these are more of references since they have no payoff in the film). In no particular order:

Eye-lick scene:

Centipede in the shadows:

Hajime is here:

I guess these were nothing more than references for the hardcore fans, but it seemed odd to include them for only that purpose. 

Finally, I would like to register a formal complaint that the song BANKA by illion was only used as an end credit song. It is a great track that reminded me a bit of Kisetsu wa Tsugitsugi Shindeiku (the Root A ending theme, a track that might even rival Unravel in quality).

That will be all from me. I know I spent a lot of time harping on this movie (I tend to do that), but it was really not that bad. I think that long time fans will have a fun time watching this take on the opening to TG. This movie is also a nice gateway into the series for people who have never experienced any part of TG. I think it’s worth checking out either way. 

I plan to be writing about a new chapter tomorrow (fingers crossed). I am also happy to wish you all a productive and enjoyable week. Hope it’s a good one!

[mari-m-rose]

Sinja details on Magi 320

Hi dear people, I actually wanted to write a very detailed meta thingy about Magi 320 but I don’t have the time. So, I’m just gonna focus on 2 things.

First is this detail here:

I like the panel showing the night sky....I guess it’s to show us it’s late. Ja’far’s comment also confirms it. ....So, The implied info here (according to me) are the following points: 

Sinbad’s office is probably connected to his bedroom: Since apparently Ja’far didn’t expect him to be getting dressed in the middle of the night (well it would be uncommon for everyone to find someone getting dressed when the working hours are over), maybe Sin works in his office with night clothing when he has to or more probably, Ja’far expected to find him in his bedroom, in bed, since it’s the same day Sinbad fainted at the International Alliance meeting.  Instead he found him getting dressed in his office. Also, who finishes getting dressed in their office? Maybe his bedroom is in the next room and he just finished getting dressed in there as he walked towards it.

Ja’far goes into Sinbad’s room/office in the middle of the night like it’s nothing: Even tho last arc has proved us several times that sinja’s intimacy has suffered a great blow, the fact that Ja’far can come into Sin’s office without being announced and that he actually didn’t expected him to be dressed up or probably even there, shows that Ja’far is used to find Sinbad in his office or in his room late at night  ....... Yes, Ikr? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). Also maybe Ja’far doesn’t usually find Sinbad in his uniform when it’s that late............ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

These 2 panels are probably the ones that made me most happy about Magi 320 tbh, for those 2 reasons. I’m happy Sinbad didn’t reject Ja’far as much as to not allow him to come into his room late at night ♥. Or the fact that it isn’t awkward at all, but as common as always.

Relationship types:

Now let’s focus on the second important point of this silly post:

Three relationships that describe sinja’s relationship are mentioned briefly or come into discussion in an indirect way during this chapter. This may mean nothing to the chapter overall but it matters to me as someone who headcanons sinja as a relationship that engloves different and variated love types. The first one actually includes all generals:

Let’s remember that this is the last chapter in which Sin is convinced he’s doing this to save everyone. In this panel he’s moved by the thought of his own family, which also was a lesson he learnt from his father long ago. Sinbad doesn't have a family anymore tho, only the one he has formed through friendship and not through blood connections. Those family members are the 8 generals. 

It is a given that the 8 gens are his family and that he deeply cares about them but seeing it here, confirmed, has a total different impact than only assuming it. Ja’far is included there ofc, so it means family love is included in sinja’s multiple relationship types (I’m not gonna use words like agape, eros and those because I don’t have time to actually inform myself about them in a deeper level, so I’m just gonna give general definitions we all should be capable to understand). 

So let’s go to the second one:

Ja’far calls him “my lord” here. And thus I’ll be addressing their master-servant relationship. 

Probably the most unrelatable relationship, at least in our present. A master-servant relationship in anime and manga is usually represented by the following sentiments: loyalty, trust and gratitude. Loyalty (+admiration) being the feeling that moves a servant, gratitude (which leads to rewards) the one that moves the master and trust which exists between the two of them. We are talking about a positive relationship ofc.

Ja’far’s loyalty is strong as it’s constantly mentioned in Magi’s encyclopedia and in every piece of information about him. His loyalty is actually moved by great love towards his master. It is funny tho that in the panel above he’s using it to manipulate Sinbad a little, which is uncommon for Ja’far. Just before they started talking he was calling him “president” since that’s the new title sinbad holds, but as soon as Sinbad confesses to Ja’far what his actual plans are, Ja’far is so disappointed he switches to call him “my lord”, however he adds that he is pathetic and weak. As in: I can’t believe “MY LORD” who is someone amazing to me was actually this pathetic. The phrase itself is made so it hurts Sinbad’s pride as a good master, especially since it comes from his closest servant. Very manipulative, since after all Ja’far’s opinion matters a lot to Sinbad. There’s however another point about this which also makes sinja’s master-servant relationship a weird one. Even tho those types of relationships have some distance in between, brought by respect, in their case, respect is broken several times. Since they insult each other or hit each other, when they lose composture, like in this case. Ja’far loses it, he even drops the “president” title, but he calls him his lord , then says he’s weak and pathetic and an idiot. He starts also getting red. He will soon start to scream with watery eyes, so much he’ll become tired. Sinbad’s reaction shows surprise, tho he manages to not lose composture unlike Ja’far. A very emotional and intimate moment if you ask me, very uncommon for people who are only  master and a servant, but well sinja are obviously much more.

To sum up what I mean by this is, there’s a canon master-servant in sinja’s relationship that brings several good sentiments between them. However the distance brought by the respect that comes with this type of relaitonship, is broken whenever the farse of their titles is broken, which happens every time any of the two of them make a big mistake or make each other angry. And when respect is broken they can’t help showing how intimate they actually are by insulting each other, like family and friends.

Before I finish this point I want to add, that more than a servant, Ja’far is a right hand man.  There is a small difference imo. A normal servant is a little more detached from his master’s cause and the rewards they get are whatever is most convenient to them. 

But since Ja’far is someone who lacks personal ambitions (like Ohtaka pointed out in a BS) he’s more compromised with Sinbad’s dream, which he actually made his own. 

His reward is making the dream become a reality, because he is as involved as his master is. The metaphor of being a right-hand-man comes from the idea of the right hand being people’s main tool which helps achieving pretty much everything, it’s also a part of the body, not a separated entity. 

The right hand man motive it’s all over Magi, but I think Sinbad and Ja’far make it justice the most. 

And well this last one plus the extra commentary is an obvious one: Their friendship. I’m especially really happy about the “deep bonds” part :3c. Deep bonds......................deep bonds......... ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

To be frank I have nothing to say about their friendship. When there’s mutual respect, trust and intimacy, there’s also friendship. And when a friend becomes family, they are still a friend. We all know what a friend is so I’m not gonna go on details on that one. The only thing I want to say is that their friendship is a fact.

So, Sinbad listens and is moved by Ja’far but he realizes he still wants to go to the sacred palace (even tho he finds it weird himself), so he decides to lie and pretend he agrees...heartbreaking. But then again, even that annoying commentator is surprised Sinbad goes against Ja’far’s wishes. 

As I love to point out all the time Ja’far is Sinbad’s closest family member/friend/vasaal. Ja’far matters a lot to him. So after finding himself still going to the sacred palace, even after having talked to Ja’far, he had to think things over (thinking that is done in the following chapter). Even tho this was too little for my hungry self, the fact Ja’far was the last one Sinbad had to confront to realize he was not doing it for his family, already means a lot. He was the last one he said goodbye to too. 

I dare to say as well that in the most heterosexual way possible cause we can’t have canon sinja, Ohtaka may be implying Ja’far is Sinbad’s most important person and therefore he’s the last one he faces before quiting his old life and self. At least I take it this way. And that should be it. Magi 320 was wonderful and it can be read in so many ways!!! Even tho we didn’t have the conclusion of this important subplot, there are several details mentioned here that suggest interesting facts. Therefore I’m somewhat satisfied.....

Still there is hope that we find out more in Sinbad no Bouken and in the extra material that will come after Magi. Hopefully Ohtaka will also use her wordpress soon.

[tatyanadyachenko]

A Review Of The Entire CBD Products Line From UrthLeaf

In this CBD review, I am going to be reviewing the entire line of CBD products from a Californian CBD company called UrthLeaf. I am going to kick-off this reviewing by talking a little bit about the company, their branding and product quality. This review is going to be completely honest and impartial.

UrthLeaf CBD Products — First Impressions

Firstly, I would like to point out that I have received the products from UrthLeaf within one week: this is how long it took for the parcel to arrive from California (USA) to London (UK). In the grand scheme of things, this is almost twice as fast as it has taken for similar packages to reach me from California. It goes to show that, from the legal point-of-view, there aren’t any issues with UrthLeaf CBD products at the border control, which is great news for all the international clients.

The entire package has arrived in a very hipster and professional UrthLeaf branded paper bag but due to the wet weather in London, the bag got wet inside my back pack and it was no longer worthy of being featured in this CBD review. My first impression of UrthLeaf CBD products was the association with nature, earth and soil. This is due to the company’s very professional logo that appears to be focussed on green and healthy living and suggests that their products are natural.

UrthLeaf CBD Products — Packaging

All UrthLeaf CBD products come in very sturdy and quality paper packaging. UrthLeaf CBD bath bomb packaging is the only product that breaks the mould as it comes in a brown box that is more common in the beauty industry. For example, when I walk into some luxury apothecary shops in Brick Lane or Cananry Wharf, bath bombs and soap appear in similar minimalistic and hipster chic packaging. Having reviewed many CBD products in the past, what made UrthLeaf’s packaging stand out is the fact that it is very detailed and contains a lot of useful information about each product. In my opinion, this is very helpful from the user’s point-of-view.

UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Oil Tincture 300mg , 900mg and 1800mg

I have been trying out UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Oil Tincture in three strengths over the course of one week in different social settings. Having tasted many CBD oil tinctures before, UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Oil Tincture is unflavoured and does not taste like cannabis or hemp. It is very neutral but rich and tastes like delicious Italian oil you would have on your salad at a fancy city restaurant. Whilst I do not mind the taste of Cannabis or Hemp, I do realise that many CBD oil users may have negative connotation associated with Cannabis and Hemp products as CBD is essentially a Cannabis derivative less the THC. Given that UrthLeaf CBD hemp oil tincture has a neutral taste, it is ideal for anyone who would like to benefit from CBD oil without the taste of hemp or cannabis. I consumed UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Oil Tincture orally before I went to bed by putting a few drops under my tongue. Within half an hour, I was feeling all mellowed out, relaxed and focused. There is a misnomer that CBD makes you high. On the contrary, it helps to stabilise your brain and focus. I also experimented with the UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Oil Tincture in 900mg by adding it to my pre-workout protein shake consisting of blueberries, milk, protein powder and a banana. I had the protein shake two hour’s before going to the gym and I must admit that the CBD Oil really helped with the focus aspect at the gym and really improved my endurance, especially when it came to the cardio and weights training. The neutral taste of UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Oil Tincture makes it perfect for mixing it with various foods and drinks. My personal approach is to consume weaker CBD oil orally and add higher strength CBD oil to foods and drinks. On the company’s website, UrthLeaf state that they only use non-genetically modified industrial hemp from a select few CBD farms. I think that this claim really goes hand-in-glove with their earthy and nature-inspired branding.

UrthLeaf CBD Gel Capsules 900mg

I never quite understood the concept of consuming CBD Gel Capsules until I spilled CBD oil all over my iphone whilst I was taking some CBD oil whilst on the move. UrthLeaf CBD Gel Capsules 900mg offer the convenience of consuming CBD oil whilst on the move. Likewise, I came to realise that UrthLeaf CBD Gel Capsules 900mg may also help with reputational risk management. Uninformed people may be skeptical about one consuming CBD oil from a pipette and UrthLeaf CBD Gel Capsules 900mg definitely offer more discretion for consuming CBD in public places or even at the workplace. I decided to have a few CBD Gel Capsules whilst I was on a long Underground journey in London. Naturally, I was a bit tensed and stressed out after a long day at the office and the hustle and bustle in the city. I downed 2 CBD capsules with some tasty fizzy lemonade bubble tea and after about 30 minutes, the effects of CBD began to gradually kick in. I was feeling more relaxed, composed and chilled out to the point where I was making light talk with fellow commuters. I really like the fact that UrthLeaf CBD Gel Capsules come in 900mg, a fairly high strength. It is fairly easy to adjust CBD intake with CBD oil by taking a few drops more or less. However, with CBD Gel Tablets, you would want to receive the optimum effect without having to swallow ten CBD capsules. The CBD Capsule strength is definitely on point. On UrthLeaf’s website and on the label, it is stated that their CBD Capsules contain:

Fractionated Coconut Oil (MCT Medium Chain Triglycerides) Gelatin (Gelatin Capsules) Non GMO Sunflower Lecithin Full Spectrum Hemp Oil

UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Healing Salve 900mg

Here is what UrthLeaf claims about their CBD Hemp Healing Salve:

UrthLeaf’s top selling, topical salve is crafted by extracting full spectrum, CBD-rich, hemp oil and infusing it with organic lavender flower oil, organic coconut oil, vitamin E, and organic beeswax. These simple ingredients create a powerful salve that is packed with anti-inflammatory properties to help treat all of your aches, pains, and sore muscles. We also like to use our salve on cuts, wounds, dry skin, and eczema! For faster, targeted relief, simply massage a small amount into affected area.

Overall, this sums up the UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Healing Salve extremely well. Over a year ago, I have developed a skin condition known as uticaria. I had done many blood tests and saw my GP on multiple occasions, but the exact cause of my allergy was unknown. I was told that it could be anything from stress to my body’s intolerance to humid British weather. I was therefore left to take Loratadine anti-allergy tablets. If I failed to take the tablets every morning, my body parts would all of a sudden begin to turn red and I would develop a rash. It is very annoying to be living with such a condition. I immediately tried UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Healing Salve on affected skin areas and the rash went away in about 5 minutes. However, what I have noticed is that by using UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Healing Salve, CBD Hemp Oil and the CBD Bath Bomb, my condition has become to recede. The total number of allergey occurences has declined and even if I do not take my anti-allergy tablets, I can easily get by for a day or two. This is very encouraging and definitely goes to show that CBD has a lot of potential in helping to treat and alleviate skin conditions and allergies.

I was not planning of using UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Healing Salve for anything other than helping to treat my allergy and dry skin, but after one month of being away from the gym, I decided to go back to my normal bench-press weight only to sustain a back injury. Basically, I could not lift up the bar back up, it landed on my belly and I tried to push it off me using my back. I did not realise that at the time, but I had sprained my lower back and I was in a lot of pain after the workout. I applied copious amounts of UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Healing Salve two times before going to bed and once in the morning. The results were incredible, my back pain began to subside and after 2 days it had gone away completely. This is nothing short of a miracle because such back pains take at least 2 weeks to heal. I would therefore heavily recommend UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Healing Salve for anyone suffering from gym injuries and allergies or skin conditions. The smell of UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Healing Salve is extremely pleasant and sophisticated and has no tell-tell signs that you are using a hemp or CBD product. I was very surprised that the smell of this UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Healing Salve is very gentle, rustic and reminds me of a trip to a beautiful garden from one of the Victorian Novels! Usually, similar salves have a very pungent and not entirely pleasant smell. UrthLeaf CBD Hemp Healing Salve also works great as body cream and is a great replacement for perfume.

UrthLeaf Eucalyptus CBD Bath Bomb 50mg

I am generally more of a shower person and due to my busy routine, I do not have the time for taking a full-blown bath with soap bubbles and nostalgic yellow rubber ducks. I finally caved into taking a warm bath on the weekend with some tasty bubble tea. I chucked the Eucalyptus Bath Bomb as I was filling up the bath. It began to dissolve very gradually and gave a very soothing and fresh aroma to the entire bathroom. When I got into the bath, I have noticed to feel very relaxed, calm and my skin became extremely soft and supple. After about one hour, I felt very rejuvenated and extremely relaxed. The Eucalyptus CBD Bath Bomb combines the best of both worlds by bringing CBD into cosmetics and body care products. I could definitely feel the therapeutic effects of CBD on my skin and my physical and mental state. My skin felt younger and my body just felt relaxed. This CBD bath bomb helped me to get a very good night’s sleep and helped to reinvigorate my entire body. I definitely felt very positive results the entire week.

UrthLeaf CBD Vape Pen 200mg

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[christinaengela]

Criticism. As writers, sooner or later we’re likely to encounter it. How we deal with it – either internally or externally – depends greatly on our personality, and also I suppose, on what sort of place we’re in at any particular moment.

Here are some of my thoughts on the subject.

So someone posted a nasty remark on one of your social media book shares, or left a shitty 1 star review and a harshly-worded comment for you on Amazon. You stare at it, re-read it a second time just to try and absorb any sense or usefulness in the words as you fight a rising tide of red anger surging up from your chest area.

Why did they do that? Was the book really all that bad? Was there really something wrong with your writing? How could they be so mean – don’t they realize I pored my heart and soul into this? Is what they said in any way helpful or – no matter how remote – possibly true?

There is a huge difference between someone being helpful (or trying to be) to a writer. “Perhaps you should’ve made the story longer? It was great – just too short!” or “You misspelled ‘bureaucracy’ on page 11!” are examples of positive criticism. My mom always used to praise my writing talent, but frequently criticized my choice in genre – she didn’t enjoy sci-fi – she suggested I write in more contemporary, mundane settings… in genres like suspense, drama, action and adventure! I used to counter with “but I can do that in sci-fi too!”

That sort of criticism is helpful, positive and constructive in nature – and they can be discerned on the basis of their intentions to help the writer to grow or improve their writing, not to break them down for it, or even to cause them to stop writing altogether.

There are numerous and even perhaps unfathomable reasons for people to criticize a writer or their writing in writing – by leaving nasty remarks, bad reviews and even by sending them hate-mail – and on the unhelpful side, they include everything from simple jealousy to disagreement with the writer or their statements, and even disapproval of their subject and the way they address or present it often form part of the motivation for it.

In the following example, a reader downloaded a FREE eBook of mine – a short story called “Death By Vampire”. They left a poor review and a rant on Barnes & Noble.

“This book was only 19 pgs. Had potential. ***spoiler seemed to have a lot of unnecessary information. Also the description of the blood diamonds didn’t make any sense, they are named for their color but the color is green? Needs some editing.” 2 stars – Anonymous

I know this person didn’t actually READ the story, because inside it there was a whole paragraph that EXPLAINED how the aliens called the green stones ‘blood diamonds’ because they had GREEN blood – but it “needs some editing” because he didn’t understand it? All this guy did was expose his illiteracy!

As to length, it was a free short story, but he obviously missed that part too.  Yet that story now has a 2-star review and a snotty comment from someone who obviously has problems with comprehension – and a narcissistic mean streak.

What can I take home from this? Not much – just that some people are basically mean-spirited and will make me the scapegoat for their own failures… but then, being part of an oft-persecuted social grouping blamed for everything from stock-market crashes to natural disasters, that’s nothing new to me. Should I take it personally? I’d like to think not – after all, what real value does unfair criticism really have?

In a technical sense, is there anything I can change or improve on the item involved? Were the words or sentences not clear enough? Were they confusing? Was a thorough spelling and grammar check done during the editing process? I honestly can’t see how I can make the story – or the facts of the story – any clearer without resorting to formatting the eBook using neon lettering, or replacing them with pictures to cater for the illiterate ‘reader’.

Moving on, negative reviews left at book sellers can and do damage a writer’s reputation – and in the long-run, their income. Reviews and ratings affect sales and distribution after all, mainly because readers will be more inclined to look at a book that has a bunch of 4 and 5 star ratings rather than a book that has one or many 1 or 2 stars. Let’s look at an example:

A few years ago I witnessed a writer falling under attack from his former small press, their writers – and everyone else they could rally to their cause. Lies and slander were spread broadly, and I personally witnessed calls being made for their cohort of cronies to ostracize him from the writing community and to even leave negative 1-star reviews on all his books! Other tactics and dirty tricks were employed against this poor undeserving writer, but this one is pertinent to my example. Suffice to say, that writer suffered a breakdown, has disappeared from social media – and hasn’t publishing anything since 2016. In that case it’s safe to say the bullies and haters won.

Any hostile criticism of our work as writers tends to have the potential to cause a writer to doubt themselves. Often that can also be one of the reasons why people leave nasty remarks – the writer or their work has (for whatever reason) offended them – and their intention might be to hurt them out of some feeling of vengeance or satisfaction. Some people, like the unfortunate author in my example are less resilient in the face of such attacks – while others, like me – well, I just don’t care for what the nasties say – anyway, I have more than enough fan-mail and great reviews to compensate. As far as I’m concerned, it’s water off a ducks back – and I’m a very oily duck.

Naturally, there are some things that spring to mind for every writer when faced with stinging and even personal criticism: are they right about me? Are they right about my work? After all, your writing might be utter crap laced with spelling and grammatical errors – and the story might make no sense, have plot holes big enough to drive a bus through, and your characterizations might be almost non-existent – right?

Are these critics giving you advice on how to improve your work? Is there anything of value in their ‘feedback’ you can learn from and use to produce a better story?

If the answer is no, and you’ve reason to believe they’re just being vindictive – such as making personal attacks and indulging in name-calling without giving any serious or pertinent pointers on how to improve your work, then their criticism is actually weaponized hatred intended to break you down! Let’s be honest – when someone criticizes your hard work, your ‘baby’, your pride and joy – it hurts a bit! Part of the answer – not the sum total of it – is of course to grow a thick skin.

In my particular case, I write in the science fiction and horror genres – as well as in non-fiction from time to time. While a lot of my fiction writing contains the usual sci-fi or horror elements, some of it also focuses on LGBT issues and presents these in a sympathetic and favorable light – which naturally draws ire and derogatory remarks from the prejudiced and bigoted who seemingly can’t resist leaving snotty comments on social media ads or shares of my work.

It’s not that my work is badly written or poorly presented – it’s that they despise the people I use as heroes and heroines in my stories and dare to explain and promote them in the face of their ignorance and hatred. I defy the established anti-LGBT stereotypes – and I flaunt it. It’s also that, once they do a little background check, they realize that I’m also part of that same group they’ve been programmed to despise! Add to that, once they confront me and I not only stand up to them, but also trounce them in a debate, that really makes them foam at the mouth!

How dare I? How dare I stand in the open, unashamedly writing about people they hate in a good positive way? How dare I not feel any guilt? How dare I even exist?

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In the below example, I held a free e-book giveaway contest in my Facebook author group in August 2016. I gave away a few books to contest winners. Soon after, the South African right wing ‘Christian’ (aka Levitican) community on Facebook went nuts about me promoting ‘demonic writings’, ‘homosexuality, sodomy and demon worship’! It was truly surreal!

The vast majority of the hate-mail I’ve gathered over the years – and remember the ones I’m showing you in this article are just since the advent of Facebook, from about 2016 or so – have been directed at me for sharing my books or writing or website!

Many of these people express negative ideas and emotions towards me because I’m transgender, a lesbian, an atheist – and because I’ve steadfastly refused to remain silent in the face of the overwhelming wave of hatred looming for numerous diverse minority groups in the world today. This provides one reason – albeit a big one – why most of my hostile critics and haters are what they are, or at least explains why they’re hostile toward me and to my writing.

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My advice when receiving this sort of hate-mail or harsh personal criticism is “take it from whom it comes” – which means, consider who the person is that’s criticizing you or your work, and what their real reasons are for doing so – and give it a value or rating. Is their opinion worth your time? Are they trying to be helpful – or are they simply being hurtful? Should you even take what they say seriously? Should you care? Most of the time I laugh at the voluntary idiocy, poor grammar and spelling in the hate-mail sent my way, and casually toss it in the pile.

I have a use for haters and hate-mail you see, and they’re too obtuse to even realize it.

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By far most of my critics and haters are religious extremist fanatics who engage in lunatic fringe politics and vent homophobic, transphobic and often racist language because they see me as more than just an enemy of their personal beliefs – but the personification thereof.

99% of the time, the people sending me hate-mail or criticizing me as a writer are attacking ME directly as an individual, not the worth or quality of my writing. I’ve also had the occasional odd-ball attack me using the fact that I’m self-published as though it means I’m somehow ‘illegitimate’ and not a ‘real author’, when all this does is reveal their ignorance about the publishing industry.

Here’s a clue, peeps – if self-publishing was in any way dishonest or dishonorable, I would have nothing to do with it. If was in any way, shape or form embarrassed or ashamed of self-publishing my work – or under the impression that it was in any way inferior to books by the big dogs, I wouldn’t be openly marketing myself or my writing as self-published!

It’s worth mentioning that within that same group of people who’ve sent me outright hate-mail, I’ve yet to encounter a single one who’s actually READ any of my books – they’re people who simply seized an opportunity to vent their hatred for me as a person because at that moment I represented the thing they hate.

In that light, this means that while my writing is good, even excellent, it is in their view ‘rubbish’ because what I write (or what I write about) contradicts their indoctrinated belief structure. To the folks who almost invariably misapply basic English words like “they’re/their/there” and “your/you’re”, I’m a ‘libral dirtbag’, a ‘libtard’, a ‘Christophobe’, a ‘commie queer’ and an ‘atheist fascist’ – and somehow inferior to them, not just because I’m part of the LGBT social group – but because I’m not afraid, acquiescent, silent or invisible.

I remind myself that these same characters tend to treat anyone more intelligent or in any way qualified, capable or talented than themselves – like scientists, doctors, artists – writers – and a variety of qualified professionals the exact same dismissive way – and I see them for what they are.

Over the last few decades of internet use, I’ve accumulated an archive of hateful remarks of all kinds, from people determined to convince me of the validity and value of their ignorance, to those who resort to childish mockery and blatant name-calling. (You can view it here if you like.)

I’ve always lived by the motto “if you piss off the right people, you’re doing something right”!

One fella wearing the crazy-pants ranted about how my children’s book on bullying, “Other Kids Are Kids Almost Just Like You” – aimed to teach children compassion for others – would ‘turn kids gay’ and that it was child abuse and I ought to be arrested!

So how do I handle hate-mail? Easy. I shrug it off, have a few good laughs – then save it, take screenshots of it – and use it as promotional material! In fact, I actually look forward to getting hate-mail these days!

After all, so many haters can’t be wrong, can they? 😉

I hope you’ve found this useful!

Take care and have a lovely day!

If you would like to know more about Christina Engela and her writing, please feel free to browse her website.

If you’d like to send Christina Engela a question about her life as a writer or transactivist, please send an email to christinaengela@gmail.com or use the Contact form.

Show your appreciation for Christina’s work!

All material copyright © Christina Engela, 2020.

How I Handle Hate-mail & Criticism As A Writer Criticism. As writers, sooner or later we're likely to encounter it. How we deal with it - either internally or externally - depends greatly on our personality, and also I suppose, on what sort of place we're in at any particular moment.

[hikarimurasaki]

Hemomancer

LeBlanc was right when she said that the information well really needed some update. It needed an update badly. She had spent three days almost working full time and it had only been mildly acceptable in her standards. She had applied everything in her knowledge as well as what documents she was able to bring from Piltover, which meant areas which were not in her expertise (for example, weaponry and transforming equipment) or she was not interested in were not detailed or even accurate. At the moment she was brewing herself a cup of tea and looking over her own work, considering it a well-deserved break from her "job". It was not exactly exciting, reciting and writing down what she had already known in an academic format, but the experience had its pros. Improving the Rose's internal archive was a trip down the history of techmaturgy; she had revisited the earliest days when the crystals from Shurima was extracted, then worked into the cheaper, more popular synthetic version, and the following innovations in machinery that followed. It had not been that long ago, she realized. Time flies.

Did the Ferros clan know, back then, that the crystals sing? Did they know that they were alive?

That was meaningless conjecture, Ellen decided, as she continued stirring the tea with one hand while noting on her blueprint. This job was a dangerous one. She should develop some personal defense if she wanted to stay alive.

"Hello, Miss Paige," a smooth voice spoke up from above. She turned her eyes up to find Vladimir standing across the table, a mug in his left hand and a book in another.

"Hello," said Ellen. "You can sit, if you are willing to tolerate my items."

These items were her drones, open and under alterations, and several technical paraphernalia. Vladimir nodded as if it were no big deal and sat down, gracefully avoiding the places where the items sat.

That surprised Ellen a little, but she did not question his decision.

"The job must be quite dull for you," said Vladimir. "these are all the things you already knew."

"It's a good trip down history's lane," said Ellen. "I rarely get the chance to do such… comprehensive revision."

"I hope you are not being sarcastic."

"I am not. I never got to do such things even back in college."

Vladimir shrugged. He glanced at the items she was working on curiously. Ellen wagered that meant he was interested.

"How much do you know about techmaturgy, Vladimir?" she asked.

"Not much," answered Vladimir. "I know that it uses magic and is capable of recreating what magic can do."

"That is… not wrong," Ellen said. "To be fair, its purpose is to do what normal people can do better. More efficient. Magic… the ability to wield it, at least, was not a thing known to Piltovans."

Vladimir gestured towards the drones.

"What are they supposed to do?"

"Oh, these? They are not exactly helpful at the moment. Originally I wanted to create small devices that are capable of independent flight and relay images back to a master machine, but it turned out that they required too much energy for their size. I was not able to get my hands on any crystal that can power it for a significant amount of time. I now know that I don’t have to."

To demonstrate her point, Ellen searched for the familiar humming sensation of power and called upon it. The drone immediately started to glow and levitate off the surface of the table, though its flight pattern was slightly off.

"It clearly helped the invention take flight," Ellen noted. Vladimir snickered at that.

"Was the pun intentional?" he asked.

"What pun… oh. It's gonna be no. You have a thing for puns?"

"Ah, you can say so."

The drone slowly dropped down and the light went out.

"This means that you are natural at using magic," Vladimir assessed. "Some people may have potential, but they cannot start it up themselves. So what do you intend to do with this?"

"Because the fuel chamber is no longer necessary, this drone can carry extra weight, and as a result, extra function. I'm looking to add the ability to generate an energy barrier. I worked on barrier technology when I was in Piltover, it should not be too hard. The catch would be to manually activate it. I've never tried that before."

"And what use would it have?"

"It's my self-defense. Well, people have been hammering the fact that this organization is shady and dangerous in my head, so I thought it wise to devise some countermeasure." Ellen said.

Vladimir seemed genuinely astonished.

"Then you don’t know how to fight?"

"Is fighting something everyone here knows how to do?"

"How can we be shady and dangerous any other way," Vladimir replied pleasantly with his signature smile. He took a drink from his cup as he finished the sentence.

Ellen Paige frowned. Although she knew it made sense, being called naïve again irked her. However, fighting - the ability to hurt another person - she had never thought it was a necessary thing to know. Could it be said that she lived a life too sheltered? Hmm, maybe she was really naïve. How dare she live a life without hurting somebody?

"Anyway, you have the right idea," the white haired man continued, his book already opened. "The Rose… does have enemies. The chance you are targeted may be slim, but it can happen. Noxus is famous for its assassins."

The last sentence was spoken with more fervor than Vladimir's usual elegant tone. He must have had some unpleasant encounters with assassins before.

"You must be able to deal with them."

"Oh, it's not when they are out to get you. It's when they are not. I hope you never have to experience that." Vladimir smirked. "If they were my enemies, they should be dead."

Such a confident declaration, spoken with equal incredible nonchalance. The uncaring tone Vladimir adopted gave Ellen slight shivers. She suddenly had the long-due revelation that the man before her was something much more… sinister.

She forced herself to look up at him and found that his mood seemed to have sunk. He was back at reading his book again, instead of appearing politely interested in her stories.

Was it because of her reaction? Did he just… read her?

Apparently, Vladimir was a much more intuitive and observant person than she had thought.

"Is that the same reaction everyone had before you?" she asked.

It was his turn to be surprised. Then he laughed. A simple, good-natured laugh.

"Yes, most people, if I'm being totally honest," he said, turning a page. But he was looking at her instead of the book. "but no one has ever asked what you just did."

Ellen wagered that meant he saw it as a good thing.

"You would not blame them for being scared, would you?"

"No, I likely would not," Vladimir said in acceptance. "Do you know… what I am?"

Don't you mean "who"? "You're Vladimir no-last-name-given, a magic user, and my colleague? That's all I was allowed to know."

"I am the Hemomancer. My specialty is blood magic."

He seemed to think that she could figure out why that was sinister and should be feared with that information alone. He would be correct.

"I see why that is dangerous."

"I… also have a propensity for murder. I am obliged to kill."

Ellen stirred the tea.

"That is to say, you do not enjoy it?"

"I do."

"Then how is that an obligation? It is a choice."

"I didn’t ask to be born with it."

"Your magic?"

Vladimir nodded.

"How you use it is still your choice," Ellen said, before realizing this was getting argumentative. She thought it was wise to be more… agreeable, "isn't it?"

"Sometimes I fancy it is," the Hemomancer smiled. "Most of the times, I don't think so. It is still annoying when everybody stops acting normally as soon as they know what I am.”

His tone implied that his feelings ran deeper than simple annoyance.

"Sorry," said Ellen. Vladimir shot her a questioning look. "You didn't like it. People abstaining from conversation with you out of fear. Though, to be fair, you opted out first."

"It's not your fault, Miss Paige. And I apologize. Normally people tend to avoid me. I was just used to it."

Vladimir looked up at her with an almost goofy smile, but there was something in that expression Ellen couldn’t quite grasp. He said

"I decide who to kill, at least. Therefore it’s not reasonable to assume I'm going to kill them just because they are in front of me. You disagree."

"I have different opinions about killing people, say, maybe doing none of that is better," Ellen said. "But it's your power. It's your choice. As long as what you do is legal or you do not get caught." It's your problem, honestly. She thought. Laina had driven it in pretty deep that people would always kill each other and the world would always suffer, even when one decided to not harm anyone, as much as possible. Ellen would be inclined to agree. It did not mean that she must do the same thing as humanity. She could choose to do differently. So could everyone else.

Vladimir made his choice. It was not really appropriate to blame it on his innate magic. But that was Ellen's opinion only. The man could do whatever he wanted.

"Ah, I see." Such a pleasant world you have been living in, Ellen could hear that thought at the back of his mind. Right. She could not say she had suffered much. She did not have a tragic, horrifying past. Did that fact mean her opinions and thoughts were invalid, idiotic and naïve compared to those who had suffered? Did it mean she did not know when and how people suffered? Ellen would beg to differ. She would not call herself ignorant (she was before, about the Brackern, but that was due to different reasons) of the world around her. She might not have been through pain and fear of death, but she was certain it was not wrong to not want to hurt other people.

Maybe if she had suffered in the past, her thoughts would be different. 

People become selfish when they have been hurt.

"…most of my activities are authorized, either by the council or by LeBlanc. Same thing, honestly."

"Has LeBlanc already achieved her goal of reclaiming Noxus?" asked Ellen.

"Oh, the current situation is a bit more complicated. LeBlanc still has a lot to do to fulfill her ambitions. Plural. I mean that to me it is the same."

"So, uh… what do you do? Killing people? Does that not make you an assassin?"

There was that smile again.

"You're making me sound like I don’t have a proper job. To put it simply, I brute-forced my way into the Noxian High Command," Ellen did not particularly want to know the details of that. Must be bloody. "My powers are available at their command, as well as the Rose here. And no, I am not an assassin. I am definitely better than that."

"Oh. Sure. Do you want to continue where we left off?" said Ellen, believing there was nothing more she could add to this line of conversation. 

Vladimir seemed happy enough to let it go.

"That would be wonderful. So, about your self-defense, would you consider investing more on the offensive?"

From that encounter onwards, Ellen Paige occasionally met the Hemomancer in the library. As it had become their custom, the two would have a polite conversation regarding miscellaneous subjects whenever they ran into each other. Vladimir turned out to be quite a knowledgeable and intelligent man. Thus, his voice and manner had always been pleasant to Ellen. But they had never got further than that, unlike Ellen and Laina. The Piltovan scientist still could not bring herself to agree with Vladimir; something about him still made her uneasy, but she tried her best to dismiss it. The mage, on his part, did not object to this treatment. In fact, he seemed quite pleased when they conversed. At the end of the day, (hopefully on his part), they were both satisfied. Is this what people call "agree to disagree"?

[seongkiran-blog]

( i’m sobbing she’s precious )

hi guys, i’m jules and i’m so excited to be a part of this rp !! i just saw that my app was in all caps by mistake bc my phone likes to fuck with me like that and i’m cringing omg. so i applied a few days ago but life got super hectic and i only just reapplied now that i’ve come up for air rip. but this is my eternally fucked, lowkey honey girl kiran who thinks she’s stoic and intimidating af but more often than not has the smallest of smiles at the v least on her face. here’s some basic — & extensive, sorry lmao — info about her ( TW: death, self-destructive behaviour, adjustment disorder/situational depression ) :

born seong kiran/kiran diana seong on march 12, 1997

scarborough, canada born and raised to first-gen korean-canadian parents

the epitome of a bitter smol™ that’s prepared to fight over everything (stubborn brat )

has twin five year old siblings that she fucking adores, which is a big deal since she doesn’t care intensely for many people

her parents were both only kids that ventured into science-based careers; her mom was a pharmacist at her late grandparents’ small clinic and her dad was a neurosurgeon at toronto gen hospital, so they were upper-middle class you could say

s u c k e d at making friends in her formative years and when she did, they didn’t stay for v long

plenty of chances for her to find new friends though since the gta is huge and has a ton of other kids around so it wasn’t all in vain

also her vanity when she was a kid was prob a turn off for others lol

smart af, like english? a’s. math? a’s french? a+

eventually didn’t suck at the whole friend thing and had a small group of people she grew rather fond of

she ended up graduating as valedictorian and was accepted to mcgill to study pre-med and become a neurosurgeon just like papa seong

always wanted to follow in his footsteps, so it came as no surprise to her parents

( TW: DEATH ) during her midterm break in her first sem, her parents decided to take the family to their cabin near muskoka for a weekend away from the city/suburbs

they were a little over halfway there when her dad tried to veer the suv away from a moose in the middle of their lane, but wasn’t successful

kiran was conscious during the whole thing, though she sustained a concussion and the twins were unharmed in their carseats; however their mother died on impact and their father suffered from a cranial injury ( .. i only just realized how ironic and morbid this is after working with this muse for a while oh my g o d )

she went with the twins to the hospital and was inconsolable over the loss of her mother alone, while her father was in critical condition and the outlook was promising, though not certain

he was put in a medically induced coma after being operated on and she and her godparents ( who advised her on the whole thing since they were docs themselves ) decided to hold out hope for a recovery

the twins were put in her care and she was left to deal with the burden of their loss, her education and the obvious, her brother and sister’s newfound dependency on her

she withdrew from the few people she became close to over the years, her grades began to slip as well, and she was always weighed down by grief and anxiety

she tried to stay in school while taking care of the twins, but it was becoming more and more difficult to do so. she just managed to keep her head above water throughout the rest of the first sem though

moved out of res, into an apartment and relocated the twins for the time being to see if she could pull it off

( TW: SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR ) add the fact that a part of her began to question if she could really follow in her dad’s footsteps, and that she let further anxiety from the pressures of making her parents proud get to her and she was soon on a downward spiral

she slipped away from her academics and was slowly becoming a poor guardian; soon, kiran was partying too hard and winding up in the hospital or a stranger’s dorm, skipping labs, and was generally a lost cause when the twins were under the care of a sitter

failed a couple of courses by the end of the second semester and had her godparents flying out to crack down on her dumb ass

felt hopeless and lost, but especially so when she posed the risk of losing the only family that she had left, realizing how selfish her actions were and trying to amend her mistakes

dropped out of mcgill for the time being and took up a job as a retail clerk to provide for the three of them ( despite inheriting their mom’s estate and all, as she put the money that came from it into the kids’ savings )

was soon in the clear in her godparents’ opinion and has tried to do right by her parents and siblings since then

after losing herself for a while, she found that she was right back to where she started with friend-making, but rather than it being her just not knowing how, it was that she didn’t want to let people in after everything that had happened

she didn’t remain a loner, but she didn’t have a ride or die by any means

for the sake of her a.d and bc of the bad memories that t.o and mtl held, she found herself relocating to greenville of all places

but deep down she knows mama seong would be happy about the kids growing up in a smaller town than near dt toronto

about four months after settling in, she began attending a nearby college in what would have been her fourth semester and has since maintained a high gpa after retaking the courses she fucked up in

her dad has since woken up, but he’s going through extensive forms of therapy to restore his motor, neurological, etc functions

she’d be back in t.o if her godparents hadn’t advised against it since it was still rly overwhelming for him and his three kids ( two of whom wouldn’t rly know him either ) coming back prob wouldn’t help ??

still has nightmares from the accident, the girl’s scarred for life and is thankful that the twins were too young to remember

sees a psychiatrist at the behest of her godmother bc she rly can’t cope by herself in all of this but she doesn’t like to burden others with her problems ( doesn’t like people knowing much about her regardless but )

now to her personality and extra facts ig ??? this has gotten so out of hand already, sTOP ME

the most stubborn chick alive, will never admit she’s wrong unless you weasel it out of her with some heavy guilt-tripping

she used to be a fucking NIGHTMARE to most people before everything went awry, still can be but it’s more or less an act with a little bit of it also being herself

a true instagram addict, which makes sense bc she can be p vain at times

rather intuitive tbh

can be insightful as well

feigns annoyance and boredom with people/their antics

some weird ass detachment method on her part that she didn’t shake, but question her on it and she’ll shut it tf down

but is still genuinely, easily irritated all the same ?? not even i understand this chick

curses like a sailor is she isn’t too curt in her responses

has a problem with trusting others, feels like she can only truly rely on herself so if you break through that barrier then congrats ig

she won’t make it obvious though, she’s a sociable being and will actually take to you if you pique her interest with free booze or a wild story

just don’t expect her to surrender much of her life story, but she’ll also get a bit offended if you don’t offer a bit of your own ??

the most annoying internalizer of emotions ever if you’re actually friends with her, 110% will not confide in you if you’re not one of four or five people in her life

also fears loss more than anything, so she isn’t close to many people for BOTH the trusting aspect, as well as wanting to spare herself the pain of watching more loved ones die or leave

but if you’re one of the v select few people she’s let in completely, she’ll never let you go. she’s the definition of loyal and will legit die for you

so so devoted to her little brother and sister, like she loves them more than anything and does everything so that they can succeed when they’re older

all of the sports acceptable for kindergarteners, music lessons, ballet, you name it, she’s got them registered

puts them before herself all the fucking time, her mom wouldn’t be impressed with her putting herself last as opposed to finding equilibrium

anyways, point is, you’ll never see her be more affectionate and joyful than with her family, godparents included

her being good with other kids though ?? she’s been working on it and she’s coming around

still can’t stand screaming brats though lmao

will be super polite to even her enemy’s parents mostly bc fuck that person.. unless their parents aren’t pleasant people either, then she’ll be unpleasant right back lmao

trust me when i say that she has a heart of gold and will do what’s morally right, is so so soft but will forever be in denial like i cannOT STRESS ENOUGH

defensive pessimism at its finest

fluent in french and korean

memes are lowkey the way to her heart

well, memes and food ofc

such a poutine hoe™

sci fi junkie

here for aesthetically pleasing everything

her place is almost never in disorder, oddly enough

quite the party girl, though not the same as when she was a frosh, is able to control herself when there aren’t too many stressors plaguing her

queer af, doesn’t know what her sexuality is but she knows she isn’t straight ( but for all intents and purposes, she’s pansexual )

she just needs someone else to take care of her honestly, she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself lmao

trying her best™ to be better in general but change doesn’t happen overnight so she’s not rushing into it, aka she’s still comfortable with being a bit of an asshole for as long as possible

you sometimes won’t know who she is from one day to the next, kind of the personification of a wild ride

so that’s kiran, if you’d like to plot just hmu or like this and i’ll come to you !! i’ll link some possible connections later bc my laptop’s about to die and i can’t find the charger anywhere ? @my mom, pls stop moving my stuff, it’s giving me more heart palpitations than my econ final last month