#neurodivergent shit

[darcymariaphoster]

Am I the only one who loves to repeat a song infinitely, but at the same time hates those "[song] for one hour" videos? Like, I want to repeat it, but at my own pace and not someone else's.

[chaotic-autumn]

feeling absolutely feral about the moment Stede finally realizes he's in love with Ed, get ready for some Thoughts

i've mentioned before how much i love the reading of Stede's character as autistic (and just generally how neurodivergent coded he and ed are) and I think interpreting his character this way makes the payoff of this Epiphany moment even more powerful. (might make a separate post on rom com plot points in ofmd sometime because i am unhinged about that too)

And it's SO important to me that this moment isn't played for laughs, because I am so sick of "neurodivergent-coded people Not Understanding Stuff" being a punchline. It's NOT written like "oh haha you dummy, DUH it was so obvious" (i mean maybe it is a little but in an affectionate way), we have compelling narrative evidence to justify why Stede doesn't understand that he's falling in love (and that Ed loves him back). And that makes it so so beautiful and affecting when he finally gets it.

An important coping mechanism for ppl with social anxiety/who struggle with social interaction is to really analyze the logic and intention behind social customs/things people say/etc. And it can be such a big EUREKA! moment when you do figure out the subtext/purpose of an interaction. Like for me realizing that the goal of small talk isn't to learn how the other person feels about the weather, it's a way of saying "i am acknowledging your personhood by acknowledging that you have feelings about the weather, that this experience, though trivial, is shared" made small talk SO much more bearable for me. (i mean sometimes it's still excruciating but at least now i get that it's not Pointless)

ANYWAY, we see Stede doing this in Episode 5 when he's explaining aristocratic social life to Ed:

"...and dining is pageantry." (sorry for the mediocre screen grabs)

And we see that even though he understands it, he doesn't feel comfortable with it or fit into it naturally, and he empathizes with Ed's struggle to learn the unspoken language of high society. (eg. "That's diabolical"/"It is") In fact Stede's whole storyline in this episode is basically about how much he empathizes with Ed's experience of trying to fit in with the "upper crust", and finally being able to turn the tables on the people who were mean to Ed, the way he couldn't as a child when people were mean to him.

But there's a limit to the helpfulness of this! Because ultimately emotions aren't always rational, and it can be really hard to interpret/accept your own feelings. Especially when you can't refer to an existing experience of times you felt/dealt with similar feelings. And that is frustrating and can be painful, and that pain can lead to avoidance/redirecting that pain.

(personal example but like: I spent so much time as a teenager getting so mad at myself for how IRRATIONAL all my hurt feelings and intrusive thoughts were, and that just contributed to the negative self image spiral. And it felt like this endless and unbearable cycle so I just constantly tried to distract myself with schoolwork/tv/etc)

We see Stede having this reaction a little in Episode 2 with Nigel's "ghost" (ie. a representation/manifestation of his guilt and self-doubt):

And then the elder hits the nail right on the head right here:

Stede feels guilty about Nigel's death, but Mainly (like fundamentally to his character arc in this season) he feels guilty about leaving Mary and his kids. But that guilt hurts too much, he doesn't want to think about that AT ALL, so he thinks about Nigel instead.

Now obviously he hasn't met Ed yet at this point, but this gives us as an audience important insight into how he deals with intense or frightening feelings (by avoiding them). This episode is also a crucial part of establishing the depth of Stede's self-doubt, which contributes to him not seeing that Ed is falling in love with him. I think that is linked to Stede not recognizing his own feelings for Ed, because overall he's just blind to the possibility that love is what is happening on either side of the equation.

And ESPECIALLY in the context of the queer experience it can be even harder to interpret your feelings in the love and relationships department because there's less language to explain it & fewer examples of it to help you conceptualize that "it's love" is even a possibility. Stede has never loved anyone romantically before, so he has no point of reference for what it feels like. Presumably, until becoming a pirate he hasn't seen examples of queer romance, so he has no script for what that looks like to refer to either. Basically, until the "what does it feel like to be in love" scene, Stede has no context to help him understand ANYTHING he has gone through emotionally since meeting Ed.

It's also significant that Mary is the one who describes love to Stede. Not only because of the closure the scene brings to the narrative by absolving Stede's guilt over leaving her, but because her relationship with Doug is hetero. It's permissible, it's familiar, it's instantly recognizable. She never says "I'm in love with Doug", Stede just knows. When she describes what love feels like, she's describing the internal experience of something that Stede has witnessed throughout his life but never been able to empathize with. And in that moment it clicks for him -- he DOES empathize with what Mary is saying. That is EXACTLY how he feels about Ed. (Because despite stereotypes, it's not like people on the spectrum are incapable of empathy, it's just that it can be harder to achieve because it's harder to interpret/extrapolate other people's emotions)

All of a sudden everything just makes sense. He's seen love but never known what it felt like, he's felt love but not recognized it. But hearing Mary describe it finally helps him put those two things together. He is in love with Ed. All those things people do for love in books that he could never quite understand? He gets it now, he can see himself doing those things because he is in love with Ed. The excitement and fear and confusion and intensity that has overwhelmed him these past weeks? That was LOVE. FOR ED. mother. fucking. EUREKA!

and and and AND in a meta sense, the epiphany Stede has kind of mirrors the audience's reaction to the scene. All those little moments he's flashing back to? Those were signs. That he was falling in love with Ed. Of course that's what they were, because we KNOW what romantic love looks like. We know how writers and directors and actors depict it on screen. and it is (or at least can be) no different between two men than it would be between a man and a woman.

This moment even more than the kiss to me was vindication for all the queerbaiting I believed could be queer representation. for johnlock and destiel and everything else. I wasn't crazy for thinking this line or that moment could be meant to signal romantic love. Queer romance that is just as layered and angsty and joyful and central to the plot as straight romance can exist on TV. Queer stories that aren't just about the characters' queerness but don't ignore it either CAN get made. We will put neurodivergent, queer people of color on TV.

And that's how this show increased my faith in humanity and revived my passion for my chosen career. Thank u for coming to my ted talk.

TLDR; Stede couldn't recognize what love looked or felt like until Mary spelled it out for him, and the way the writing links this inextricably to the trauma of growing up queer and neurodivergent in an unaccepting world makes me want to cry

a disclaimer for all my autistic stede posts: i am not autistic, i am a very Social Anxiety & Depression ADHDer. if you are autistic pls lmk your thoughts and/or if something i've said is insensitive or just Not Right

[sillystringedrat]

hello neurodivergent community (specifically you guys that have a difficult relationship with change) how’s that—inability or difficulty to get into new media and have to consciously prepare yourself to transition between one show to another with a certain amount of time so that you move away from that current hyperfixation to be able to process a new one which makes it really hard when there’s a certain media you want to consume but literally cant until you’ve digested/waited enough to—doing for ya.

[slightlydepressedmelon]

another reason I know my qpr were meant to know each other:

as a kid I would make in depth PowerPoints about my special interests and hyperfixations

the other day my partner sent me pictures of an in depth PowerPoint there about various versions of their favorite x-men character

[patchyworx]

I have had two bottles of coffee today instead of just one

And a caffinated tea

My head is so clear rn i feel wonderful

I should do this more oftne

[jesterkilljoy]

wait wait wait you mean to tell me neurotypicals Cant Hear Electricity?????? like At All????????? thats??? thats so weird?????? wdym they cant hear it that shit is Loud?????? im. flabbergasted honestly what the fuck

[blahajowner]

Thinking about overstimulation is so odd. Like theres TOO MUCH and its so NOISY and its ANNOYING. Yet my solution is loud ass music that basically makes me deaf that would probably make me more overstimulated any other day

[clovesnz]

You ever mimic a behavior that someone else does to you that makes you uncomfortable to see if you understand it more if you’re also doing it, but then immediately regret it because it feels even worse being the one doing it and/or they act like you doing it is weird even though they’ve been doing it to you?

Yeah, I just did that twice in one night with the same person and now I kinda don’t ever wanna see them again ngl

[novastellavox]

Worldtorn

The state sometimes experienced after a dream or extended periods spent inside a fictional universe as found in science fiction or fantasy settings, commonly found in books, shows, movies, tabletop rpgs or video games.

It describes the feeling of being torn between a fictional world and reality, commonly leading to a sense of longing for a life in that universe and the dissatisfaction of being in our boring universe.

The more intricate and captivating a world is, the more torn a person feels when pulled out of the world.

[sydneyofalltrades]

I’m such a whore for making playlists of OCs and AUs and now I have a small idea for one about Moni and Mason :)

[thebookishwallflower]

sitting in a room with neurotypicals as we all do our thing on our phones. it’s inflicting constant psychic damage.

[jcryptid]

Oh ho ho, as soon as I find the energy and motivation to hyperfixate on my hobbies again it’s all over for you fucks

[chaotic-autumn]

a gentle reminder to all u folks out there with sensory issues: change ur clothes as many times a day as you need to. it's ok. you deserve to be comfortable.

[ymdslf]

sometimes i absolutely loathe my brain

[adhd-queer-paralysis]

Having sensory issues with your own hair is fucking something.

[theworstcreature]

If you ask me a question about my ✨special interest✨, my eyes start glowing and I will hum like a plane that’s going to take off as i prepare to give you the infodump of a lifetime