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sidecarghost · 3 years

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My Reaction to Destiel in Spn 15x18 to 15x20

Notes: this will contain spoilers for up to series finale 15x20.

I am in LGBTQ+, and this is my personal opinion on the treatment of Destiel, Dean, and Castiel in episodes 15x18-15x20. The LGBTQ+ community is complex and varied, just like any community, so I do not intend for my views to be seen as representative. I think any reaction is just as valid as mine.

Castiel’s Declaration and Dean’s Response

I personally thought Misha Collins’ performance of Castiel’s declaration of love was earnest and authentic. It was beautiful, and I loved every word of it. What bothered me about 15x18 was Dean not reciprocating. I understand that love doesn’t always work out, but this is a LGBTQ+ relationship. There are so few LGBTQ+ relationships on tv, so it’s difficult to understand why anyone would see the need to add an unfulfilled LGBTQ+ relationship that leaves the queer character unloved. LGBTQ+ are just as worthy to be loved as cishet. Before this viewers could use their imagination, but now it’s pretty final that Dean never thought of Cas as more than a friend, and that Dean is vaguely to deeply disturbed by his BFF being in love with him.

I think 15x20 tried to firmly establish Dean as cishet (retconning any prior subtextual queer coding) by having Dean show more affection to his car joining him in Heaven then he had to his LGBTQ+ friend near death. I hate that Dean is so cold to Cas during that declaration scene, and then no other insight into Dean’s feelings is ever shown. So we can only infer Dean’s feelings from that scene and the reaction reads confused, disturbed, shocked, and disbelieving. And I feel second hand crushed for Castiel. That would not be a happy moment for me at all. Just because Dean doesn’t feel any attraction to Castiel I don’t think that excuses his coldness during the declaration. This was a heartless way to react to a close queer friends admittance to an attraction, and the cold shoulder reaction seems really OOC for Dean.

Dean is typically much more sensitive about other people’s feelings. I know he is often painted as tough and unfeeling, but that’s really when his own feelings are in question. Usually he seems very in tune when someone else needs emotional support, and here he is just like mentally checking out. Dean appears to be thinking “Oh my BFF is confessing his love, I will just gawk at him like he is some kind of crazy.” Then Dean’s last words to Castiel are “Don’t do this, Cas,” because he’d like his final message to be invalidating. And then there is HUGE problem that Dean was so disturbed by Cas’s declaration that he never mentions it over the course of 15x19 and 15x20. Even though his friend gave his life for him.

Bad Representation more Harmful than No Representtion

I could be wrong, but I feel like the inclusion of Destiel this late in the game just to make it unrequited was malicious. And that’s because Destiel is a big thing for fandom and especially LGBTQ+ in fandom. Even non-Spn fandom LGBTQ+ know all about Destiel. I never dreamed the ship would go canon, and that was fine because the show could play out and I could read and write fic. Destiel was a fun ship, because the characters had wonderful development from the show, and the actors had great chemistry and were good looking and talented. Dean and Cas were complex and multi-dimensional and ready to run a coffeehouse or become pop star wannabes in a televised singing contest.

The show never told fans Dean and Cas wouldn’t love each other, so it was so easy for me to imagine they would love each other. That has changed since I watched the finale. I personally can’t ship Destiel anymore because all I remember now is the angel giving the hunter his heart, and Dean being so cold and uncaring. Dean stays so far away from Cas like he can’t stand to be close to him. When the two characters used to be in each other’s personal space all the time. It’s like the show wanted me to know how wrong I was to ever read a romance there. As though I had personally offended Dean Winchester. I always thought Dean could be bi, but now he is canon cishet to me. Because if he was going to be attracted to a guy it’d be Cas, because he is the most badass character on show. I’m okay with explanation that Dean was shell shocked in 15x18, but Dean’s continued indifference in 15x20 makes it more likely to me that the show intended for Dean to just not feel that way about Cas.

LGBTQ+ Character Erased

The show ended 10 days ago, but many LGBTQ+ spn fandom members are still reeling from Castiel’s erasure from the story as soon as he came out. There was so much hope that the show was giving LGBTQ+ fandom a ship they never expected in 15x18. The way everything seemed to signal that Dean and Cas would be brought back together in 15x20. And theories abounded on possible scenarios. My personal favorite was Dean rescuing Castiel from the Empty in 15x20 as a reverse of Castiel rescuing Dean from Hell in 4x01. This felt historic to see an actual fandom mlm ship finally get validated on the show, like LGBTQ+ were being seen and told we were just as valid as cishet by the show we loved.

But in the end, the LGBTQ+ relationship was just a tease. A queer angel declared his love and died. Then Dean died so he’d never get chance to process his feelings (if he had any). Dean and the viewers learned Cas had been saved, but Dean never bothered to pray to Cas or make any other attempt to reconnect with him. Had Cas escaped before Dean’s death? Had Cas just let Dean die? We never find out. Whether intentional or not, Castiel no longer had any significance in the life or death of the man he loved so strongly. If you related to Cas the exemption was a gut punch. I saw Cas as important and he was my voice and my story, and then 15x20 had Castiel as unimportant to the story and he was silenced.

The Bury your Gay trope

Cas had come out, and now his last scene was his death. Castiel was written out of the show, and no one seemed willing to give him more than a passing thought. The series regular and reoccurring character of 12 years was treated like he was never very important to Dean or Sam. This wasn’t historic, this is the “bury your gay” trope and a real problem for LGBTQ+ representation in movies and shows.

Negative impact of teasing LGBTQ+ romance in movies and shows

15x18 didn’t just feature Cas coming out, his coming out could have been handled just like Chuck’s in season 11 by dialogue stating he liked guys too. Castiel’s coming out was part of a declaration of love to his best friend. This teased a possible LGBTQ+ romance between two male leads with no intention of follow through. Heteronormative fans can state my perspective was invalid, but I’d like to challenge them to see LGBTQ+ as just as valid and normal as cishet romance.

If unintentional:

this was insensitive and bad representation

If intentional:

at best queer baiting (Dean was cishet so any fans that thought reciprocation was possible were wrong. Never mind all the subtextual queer coding of Dean that non-heteronormative viewers had observed.)

at worst outright homophobia (if you read Dean as a closeted bisexual that is fridged before he has chance to come out)

The Intention of C* Spn?

I have to wonder what the LGBTQ+ in Spn fandom ever did to make the show runners so mad at us. I would really like to get the perspective of the show runners, because without that, it is just too easy to believe the worst.

Perceiving the Finale Message of We don’t Belong

And the worst is heart wrenching. The marginalized members of fandom that related to the outcast angel were excluded from the Winchester’s ending. Even though we cared about them so much over the years. Many members of fandom had found families, and were validated by the reoccurring theme that family doesn’t end in blood.

But the finale retconned that message. Castiel was queer, and he was erased. He wasn’t a part of Sam and Dean’s ending. Fandom that related to Castiel could see our affection for the brothers wasn’t reciprocated. We just helped when we were useful but in the end unworthy of love. Family actually did end in blood, and we were naive for believing otherwise.

Spn queer baited LGBTQ+ one last time to drive up viewership, so the marginalized part of the audience could bear witness to Castiel’s exclusion from the Winchester’s finale. We never belonged. This wasn’t our story. This was the story of cishet white brothers, Sam and Dean, that were the product of their cishet white parents, John and Mary, that lived up the road in their Heaven. The queer angel of the lord was not going to intrude in their story any longer, despite his devotion to them over the past 12 years. We didn’t belong, because Castiel didn’t belong.

Other Views are Valid

I just want to reiterate that everything I’m saying is just my own opinion. If other LGBTQ+ thought the episodes were perfect that is also very valid. If you are not a LGBTQ+ then I appreciate your support, and ask that you check any biases before disagreeing with my opinion. Cishet will never be made to feel marginalized, inferior, or abnormal because of their sexuality or gender. And if you want to save LGBTQ+ lives you can try to change your view to see queer as normal and become a LGBTQ+ ally.

TLDR;

Misha’s performance was amazing. Bobo Beren’s writing was brilliant. After 15x18, the romance was like a puzzle that had all the pieces carefully together except the last one. Then 15x20 took that beautiful, nearly complete puzzle and dumped it in a metal trash bin, soaked it in lighter fluid, and burned it to ash. I blame the showrunners. They should never have had a LGBTQ+ come out to have his love unrequited, die, and then get erased from the story. Bad representation is worse than no representation.

#spn #Destiel #my spn thoughts #spn ending #spn 15x18 #spn 15x20 #spn season 15 #supernatural #deancas #Andrew Dabb

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takaraphoenix · 4 years

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So I just finished the third season of The Bold Type and oh boy did they drop the ball in this one. I... really enjoyed this show until now but this season was just so intensely exhausting and honestly cringey.

The only good storyline was Jane’s. Her finally dumping that cheating piece of garbage. The way they handled her surgery and recovery and the struggle she had. It was incredibly emotional and well-paced and I genuinely loved the way they handled it.

But everything else was... pretty much garbage, in my opinion?

I mean, Sutton? Sutton and Richard, getting married, after being in a relationship for what, five years? And... they never actually talked about their future? They never talked about having kids? I hate this dumbassery of “let’s get married but like we never actually talked about how we imagine our future” and the way they handled that, with how Richard behaved? How he placed all the blame on Sutton? What in the world was that? She put her life on hold for him, repeatedly. It wasn’t because of her job that you guys hid your relationship for so long, it was yours. And when you decided to go to San Francisco for a job, she was just 100% behind you.

But now she’s deceiving you because... she... doesn’t read minds, or what? Saying “I want something like they have” is the broadest, least specific bullshit. Something, what? Their career, their marriage, their house? That does not specify that you want children. Saying “I definitely want children” is how you specify that you want children. To only blame her for not telling him that she didn’t want kids...? When two people are in this relationship and neither of them actually spoke up about their wants and needs here? That is equally both their fault.

Not to mention his... his reaction. Just, his reaction to everything.

When, only two months after the miscarriage, she wanted to have sex again and he just immediately goes “so x position is better for conception”, that was just... incredibly insensitive. I don’t know about anyone else but me, but... two weeks after losing a baby to already try again seems incredibly early and to overrun her like that instead of first, in a quieter moment, address the issue? Not to mention that this was an unplanned pregnancy and she just started a new, busy job so it really wasn’t a good fit time-wise.

His reaction to when she told him she didn’t want babies? The throwing and trashing stuff? It just will never sit right with me when men express their anger/frustration by smashing and destroying things right next to the woman. It is purposefully intimidating and reads far too close as a ‘replacement’, which also is always intensified by the woman jumping away instinctively, as Sutton did. Not... Not a great move. Really creepy.

And then they just... end it. Just like that. After this entire show had their will they won’t they build up to them getting married, it all falls apart like that, so unceremoneously and Sutton goes onto a completely self-destructive tour of discovering that she is, after all, no better than her mother, putting her somehow even below square one.

The worst offender however is whatever the fuck this show did to Kat. And to Adena. But let’s start with Adena.

Adena, an out and proud lesbian, a Muslim, a woman of color, a feminist. And now... a biphobe, apparently? Wow, that’s just such a great look on her.

It’s incredibly OoC for Adena. This woman, who met Kat when Kat was still thinking she was straight, who supported Kat through her self-discovery. And while Kat used “lesbian” as a self-identifying label twice in previous seasons, she always more leaned toward “queer” to label herself.

So to now have Adena, whose entire character was always about lending women a voice and standing up for them, who always supported Kat, who met Kat when Kat was still very much busy sleeping with men, now act biphobic when Kat comes out as bisexual...? It just... It really fucked Adena over.

Especially the garbage she was spouting. That if Kat now liked men, did that make Adena “just a phase” and were her feelings for Adena “even real”? That is just the most bottom of the barrel biphobic talk, this felt like someone just did one quick google search on biphobia and crammed them together and made Adena say that. It... just didn’t feel authentic for Adena, after how she had been represented so far and how she had acted and handled Kat’s journey of self-descovery.

I understand that they really wanted Kat to face biphobia and I genuinely did love the bonding moment that gave Kat and Oliver, but there was absolutely no need to throw Adena under the bus like this. They could have literally gone to that stupid lesbian-exclusive party and just have... have some random unnamed character act biphobic?

Considering this wasn’t even meant as a lasting plotline that’d be pulled through as a proper arc, because two episodes later, Adena suddenly got over her biphobia. Which is just another thing that makes it more ridiculous, because a woman like Adena, who is deeply involved with the community and who is strongly opinionated, would - if she really was biphobic - not just change her stance on that in like two weeks just because...?

It really showed that they used Adena not as a character but as a plot-tool for Kat’s plotline and it did Adena such a disservice - especially since she is one of your four (4) queer characters and she is your only lesbian.

Don’t validate negative stereotypes like prickly lesbians who only date Gold Star Lesbians because otherwise the lesbian feelings between them just aren’t lesbian enough and like how would she know they’re real if her partner isn’t also a lesbian?

And yes. Yes, I am well-aware we have a huge problem of biphobia within the community. I am well-aware that these type of lesbians exist. But, as mentioned above, they could have taken a minor character only introduced for this plotline to deliver this biphobia, instead of throwing their only lesbian character under the bus like this.

Adena is such a brilliant character and she is... so much representation? I mean, she is one of only four queer characters, of only two queer women, she is the only lesbian, she is the only Muslima, she is one of the only two women of color in the recurring/main cast. I genuinely don’t understand how you can look at a character like that and go “ah yes, let’s just temporarily antagonize her for another character’s plotline, which goes entirely against her own characterization so we will actually also totally backtrack on it after all is said and done”, because it’s... I don’t think there’s a real word for what this is, but it’s bullshit, to say the least.

Now about Kat. Who finally figured herself out this season. And then just immediately had to deal with the biphobia, but not for too long because that’d be too distracting, we have too much to do in throwing her character under the bus too, after all.

I mean seriously, Kat’s a biracial bisexual liberal woman, who had an entire season-long plot about being a liberal woman trying to carve a space for herself, for her community, against bigotry. Both, her being biracial and her being bisexual, has always torn her and made her not fit quite in and made her look for her place to belong and she fought hard for it.

So the natural progression for her character truly is to make her date a... I really do not want to type these words together, to be quite frank... but a Republican lesbian. And not just... be with her, but “come around” to her viewpoint. It was essentially throwing out the long-suffering plotlines of Kat fighting hard for her spot in favor of now being downgraded to a bar-tender who is fascinated by the Republican POV on life.

They really used Kat to antagonize liberals as sensitive snowflakes and show that “Republicans can be serious and have good points too!”. They turned Kat into a... clumsy oaf, at best, the way she handled herself around the politics this season? After she literally ran for office before, trying to become a politician herself? But now she is swayed or fascinated or whatever for “the other view-point”?

And just the timing, to have a “Republicans aren’t that bad!” angle in your show while Republicans are literally busy running your country into the ground? Ya really thought this was a great angle to work with? And for her, of all characters?

It made... absolutely no sense with how Kat had been portrayed so far to have her enthralled by this bullshit spouting Republican, because “different views are important and can be insightful”...

There are angles where, from a storytelling POV, you can introduce various views and make it very interesting to watch, but if your way of introducing this other view is literally by her defending her homophobic father who wants to help pass a bill on conversion therapy, I’m sorry there is absolutely no listening to that.

And that’s not being emotional. This is directly about the lives of human beings. There is no discussing that, there are no other opinions on the matter of whether or not children should be tortured into being straight.

And having her, very lacklusterly, say that she personally is against conversion therapy means... it... it means literally nothing if she is not speaking up about it and instead wants to bury evidence about her father supporting it and has no problems with him supporting it in the first place.

The ““cutesy”“ situation of her threatening to get Kat fired over this, Kat actually getting fired and her then accidentally getting Kat fired from her next job, just to graciously help her keep her job after all like some White Republican Savior was... very cringey to watch, but so was honestly every single interaction between them, based on the juxtaposition of those characters.

I’m sorry, as a lesbian, I have intensely strong feelings about how they utilized lesbian characters for bullshit agendas this season. First Adena for the biphobia angle and then writing a Republican lesbian in there to like... sell Republicans?

I just... genuinely can not grasp what that storyline even was, because it honestly just felt like Republican propaganda? And yes, propaganda. Because it undermined the already established liberal character that Kat had been, made her not entirely turn toward being Republican but suddenly be oh-so open minded about the views (after this plotline was literally introduced through, and I will say it again, conversion therapy. I mean seriously, you could have a liberal and a Republican have conversations with each other and “see each other’s points of view”, but you absolutely can not have that after introducing the plotline through one of the most horrific things that can happen to our community). They portrayed Eva as the understanding, calm, rational, charming party in this and made Kat the overly angry, emotional and downright doe-eyed one who learned so much from Eva, while not having Kat teach Eva anything. This was never portrayed as a mutual seeing each other’s viewpoints; Kat was the only one who changed over this storyline. And that is what made this not feel like an “equal opportunity POV exchange” storyline but like propaganda.

My very last critique point is the oversexualization of absolutely everything. I mean, yes, this show has always been very sex-positive and about women embracing their sexuality and I absolutely support this message. But... this season went... beyond that? It wasn’t just sex-positive it was downright negative on no sex. The utter despair for sex and linking it with success?

The plotline of how Jacqueline wanted to show women in “power” through fashion, but it was all about owning their sexuality and the first pitch immediately included lingerie. And worse yet, that thing where Ryan and Jane were not having sex.

The freaking intervention. Because... she was having a genuinely good time just having spa-days with her boyfriend instead of fucking like rabbits every hour of the day? That they literally put an intervention together there. That not having sex is oh-so bad, even though honestly, until that intervention, Jane did not look unhappy.

I just think that a show that praises itself on its queer viewpoints and puts the queerness so very front and center needs to step up their game and start including an asexual viewpoint. Both, in the show and in the magazine itself because everything they write and do comes back to sex and it’s starting to get really, truly tiresome.

Sex-positivity doesn’t have to mean that you reinforce that to be a strong, independent woman you have to have sex and that a relationship is only successful if they have lots of sex.

#The Bold Type #Season 4 #Phoe's Random Show Rants #Season 4 Review #Adena Deserved Better #Sutton Deserved Better #Kat Deserved Better #heck the viewers deserved better

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perfeggso · 4 years

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Noir (yutae)

Week II pt. 2

Tokyo – fall of 1983: Nakamoto Yuta is quickly rising in the ranks of one of Japan’s most notorious yakuza families, and he’s poised to climb even further if he can stop himself from being ruined by the pretty Korean boy who’s shown up out of nowhere.

Glossary of Japanese words

Characters: Yuta x Taeyong + NCT ensemble, Twice J-line (for funsies)

Genres: Gang!AU, angst, smut, fluff, 1980s!AU

Warnings: graphic violence, swearing, minor character death, alcohol use, mentions of drugs, period-typical homophobia, xenophobia, BDSM

Rating: 18+

Length: 4k (will progressively get way longer)

Yuta had a problem: he couldn’t keep his mind off of Taeyong. He had immediately been taken in by the contrast between the new recruit’s wide eyes and soft expressions and his sharp features and rough background. However, over the course of a little over a week, Yuta had only found himself slipping farther into dangerous territory that made him question his decision to help Taeyong out by taking him on as a partner. He questioned himself when Taeyong’s shirts would ride up and expose the soft skin of his lower stomach, or when Yuta would catch his subordinate zoning out with his fingers running over his lips. These moments sometimes made Yuta feel like a creep, but it was nothing compared to the way most men he grew up with treated women. Also, he had at least a sneaking suspicion his little infatuation might be reciprocated from the way Taeyong would flush easily at any praise from Yuta, for example, or the few times when Yuta thought he heard a hitch in Taeyong’s breathing when Yuta addressed him seriously or got into his personal space.

Yuta had always needed to be careful – his closest friends among the Inagawa-kai knew he liked men and could not have cared less, but being gay was so stigmatized amongst the yakuza and in Japanese society in general that any inkling of Yuta’s secret had to be vigorously guarded to avoid disaster. That’s why Hirai Goro had decided years earlier that at twenty-five, Yuta would, for the protection of the family, marry his daughter Momo. Momo was his best friend since adolescence and was as uninterested in men as Yuta was in women. It was an ideal arrangement, but one that had to be carefully managed. That wedding would be in a year. In the meantime, Yuta had learned to be careful with his encounters, stay in queer-friendly spaces away from work, and read small cues from potential partners since nothing would ever be clearly spelled out for him. He was rarely wrong, and he thought he would be right again about Taeyong too.

“Yuta-san?” Jaehyun’s voice on the other side of the door rattled Yuta out of another Taeyong-induced stupor and he remembered that he was in his office, leaning over his wooden desk with the Miyazaki file disassembled in front of him. Even if Yuta hadn’t recognized that warm voice, it could only have been Jaehyun who, as an unofficial member of the operation without a defined position, was one of the few people who didn’t have to address Yuta by his title.

“Douzo, Jaehyun-kun.” The door slid open and in walked Yuta’s guest, wearing a pinstripe suit and letting his dark hair fall softly over his forehead. Unlike most of Yuta’s acquaintances, Jaehyun had neither tattoos nor visible scars or disfigurements. If it weren’t for his parentage, Yuta figured that Jaehyun would have been an innocent and upstanding member of society. In fact, Yuta wondered why he didn’t stay as far away from his father’s line of work as humanly possible, for his own sake. But, if Jaehyun did do that then Yuta would be losing the benefit of one of his keenest minds. Besides, Yuta knew that Jaehyun was branded as suspicious in the outside world by default just by being a conspicuously wealthy zainichi boy, so he might as well lean into it.

“You look busy,” Jaehyun observed with a smile.

Yuta smiled back and pushed some papers to the far side of his desk, closer to Jaehyun. “That’s because I’ve been working on something. What are your thoughts on this?”

Jaehyun sat on the desk – something the average enlisted man would not be permitted to do – and scanned his eyes over what appeared to be paperwork from several banks in Thailand.

“Looks like he’s got offshore accounts,” said Jaehyun, obviously.

“Bingo!”

“Are they illegal?”

Yuta smiled and hummed to himself in satisfaction. “Those banks are all under current investigation by Interpol for money laundering. One case has been proven. And Miyazaki might be a key player.”

“Congratulations, Shategashira ,” said Jaehyun, pushing himself off the desk, letting out a small laugh once standing.

“What’s so funny?” Yuta challenged.

“Nothing, really,” said Jaehyun. He knew he could get away with saying whatever he wanted. “But Yuta-san, you launder money all the time.”

“I know that very well, Jaehyun,” explained Yuta, knowing the mild defiance from his friend was nothing serious. “But it’s expected from people like us.” Jaehyun scowled slightly, Yuta assumed, at his implication in whatever dirty business the Inagawa-kai did. “For someone like Miyazaki it’s – it’s a career-ending – no, life ending event since he’ll probably have to go to jail for a year or so and never be hired again. His reputation will be ruined. This information could tank Mitsubishi’s stocks for a while too. He’s supposed to be a reputable businessman, not a gangster.”

“My dad always says that companies are just like gangs;” offered Jaehyun, “the salaryman is just a glorified foot-soldier with a less interesting life and their bosses probably have more blood on their hands than they realize.”

Yuta pulled out a cigarette from the pack in his pocket, placed it in his mouth, and then offered the pack to Jaehyun with the raise of an eyebrow. Jaehyun took one and as he spoke, Yuta lit their cigarettes.

“That’s why I always listen to your father, Jaehyun, and why you should too,” said Yuta, pausing to take a drag. “Gwang-suk is the most insightful bastard in this whole operation.”

Jaehyun’s face curled into a thoughtful smile. “I’ll keep that in mind. By the way, I know you have proof that these banks are crooked, and that Miyazaki has money in them, but what’s your direct evidence of his wrongdoing?”

“Ah,” Yuta remarked, letting a tumble of smoke fall from his lips. “That is forthcoming, if you have time to wait a few minutes.”

“Sure.”

After another drag on his cigarette, Jaehyun seemed about to begin a new conversation, his expression contorting into one of active thought, but at that moment, a succinct series of knocks rang out on the other side of the door. Yuta put his crossed legs up on his desk and leaned back in his leather chair.

“ Douzo.”

With that, Doyoung, who was wearing slacks, a sweater vest, and an upmarket wristwatch, opened the door with a thin stack of papers under his arm. His eyes went wide when he saw the cloud of smoke rendering the room in soft focus. Still, he steeled himself and managed a salute and a greeting of “Shategashira!”

“At ease.”

Doyoung seemed to sigh in relief and wasted no time fanning the space directly before his face and hurrying to the one small outward-facing window in the room to open it.

“My god, you two, this is absurd! How do you breathe?” Even in disgust, Doyoung’s voice was measured. To most, the thin, almost delicate, and usually soft-spoken man would have been difficult to pinpoint as a member of the yakuza – especially if he was covering his tattoos which he kept more minimal than most of his friends. Nevertheless, his intelligence had always been an asset to the family and any doubt of his intensity would be assuaged the minute he lost his temper, or alternately, came at you coolly with a Sten Gun. Around those close to him though, Doyoung’s vibe was still more nagging grandmother than anything.

“Doyoung,” began Yuta, “tell me you found something good.”

Doyoung made his way back to the desk on the other side of the room, holding his stack of papers up in one hand. “Tell me you two won’t keel over from lung cancer before I show it to you.” And with this jest, he let the papers drop to the desk with a smack . Yuta took one more drag and extinguished his cigarette, partially to appease Doyoung and partially to free his hands.

“All I found was the record of recent wirings, invoices, and transfers for his accounts between Japan and Thailand,” explained Doyoung as Yuta began digging into the papers with Jaehyun sitting in observation. “It appears that he’s been embezzling money from the company under the guise of a bunch of contractors and business expenses that don’t exist as far as I can tell. He’s transferred a lot of it, via some of these banks in Thailand, to a specific woman. You’ll see her information in the paperwork there. Sometimes she uses different names, but I have reason to believe it’s all one person and that her name is Minatozaki Sana.”

“A mistress, perhaps,” speculated Jaehyun, and Yuta let out a hum of agreement.

Doyoung nodded. “That would make sense. I’ll keep on the trail from here and see what else I find; how conclusive the connections are, etc.”

“Good work, Hosa ," Yuta praised. "You’re dismissed if you need to be anywhere. Do you?”

Doyoung shrugged, planting himself in one of the molded wood chairs across from Yuta and Jaehyun followed suit. “I’m going on patrol with Johnny in an hour but I’m meeting him here. Might take a bit of a break. By the way, where’s Taeyong?”

Yuta had to stop a smile from overtaking his expression at the mention of his partner. “I don’t need his help and he’d been working so hard, so I gave him some time to himself. He could be practicing shooting, taking a walk, going to the conbini around the corner, I have no way of knowing.”

Jaehyun spluttered, for what reason Yuta could only imagine. He sat forward in his chair, trying to look serious. “Oi, what is this? The little prince finds something amusing, does he?”

Jaehyun held his outstretched palm in front of his face and shook his head. Yuta was a very intimidating person by most standards and was famous for his wit, but even he had moments of insecurity that his friends could exploit for entertainment. That is, until they got their asses beat for disrespecting a superior.

“No, I promise you, Yuta-san, it’s nothing really. I’m sorry. I was just surprised because in the last, what? Almost-week that he’s been with you, you two have been pretty inseparable. And whenever he isn’t with you, you’re yelling ‘where’s Taeyong? Someone find him now!’” Jaehyun started to laugh harder at his own impression. Next to him, Doyoung adjusted his sleeve, watching, and in his calmly matter-of-fact manner stated, “we’re not idiots, Shategashira . We can tell when you’re distracted, and we can usually guess why. Jaehyun and I think you have it bad for Taeyong. We even bet on it with Taeil.”

Yuta found himself in a bit of a shock. Him? Distracted? Was he that obvious about it?

Yuta pawed weakly at a piece of ash and flicked it into his ashtray, but he couldn’t help himself from smirking just a tiny bit.

“Fuck off,” he practically whispered.

“You don’t deny it,” Doyoung observed, and now it was Jaehyun smirking, ready to watch a confession unfold.

The haze still left in the room seemed like protection from the outside world, and Yuta felt his chest filling with boldness. He didn’t have anything to hide from his friends, anyway. He only cursed the timing. Now was not the time for lust nor – god forbid – for romance.

Yuta bit his thumb nail and sighed. “That’s because you’re not wrong,” he admitted.

Jaehyun and Doyoung exchanged tittering smiles in response.

“Yeah, go ahead and celebrate your victory,” said Yuta, nearly rolling his eyes and allowing his friends to relax and high five each other.

It felt nice to get it off his chest officially, but Yuta also felt a heaviness in his gut as a result of the conversation. What if this was nothing more than a brief infatuation and he was jumping the gun by talking about it? What if Taeyong wasn’t interested? How was he even supposed to go about acting on anything? He was busy and needed to focus and he tried to avoid hooking up with coworkers. Fuck it , he thought, he was already distracted . Yuta finally raised his eyes to meet the gaze of his two friends across from him. Despite their satisfied smiles he still felt the tight, dead-end sensation of a prisoner.

“You should tell him, Shategashira , if you don’t mind my advice,” said Doyoung.

“I should, hm?” Yuta puzzled. “And how do you propose I do that?”

***

Taeyong’s sleeping face was yet another distraction. He and Yuta had been sitting in the front of Yuta’s black 1982 Corolla for a couple of hours and it was already approaching three A.M. Yuta knew Taeyong hadn’t had a completely easy time adjusting to his new life and was hardly sleeping even when he had time to, so when Taeyong’s eyes took on a telltale droopiness an hour ago and their target had yet to come around, Yuta had allowed Taeyong the option to nod off. It was good for Yuta too, as it gave him the opportunity to gather his thoughts about the sleeping angel next to him. Maybe Ms. Minatozaki wasn’t coming home that night at all – or maybe she was already asleep and Yuta had gotten bad intel. Maybe Yuta, who was growing tired himself, could allow himself a moment of weakness and drink in the image of the man beside him. Still, if the lead was correct and Minatozaki was going to be home soon, he didn’t want to miss her just because he was smitten with a boy he barely knew.

Yuta allowed himself one more moment to take in Taeyong’s serene face, admiring the flicker in his dark lashes, the slope of his sharp jaw into his smooth neck – interrupted only by the press of his Adam’s apple against the skin. Yuta’s gaze fell on the pitted scar that dug its way like a crater into the flesh next to Taeyong’s right eye. Yuta had wondered where it came from but never wanted to pry. Taeyong’s earring twinkled as it caught the reflection of a streetlight.

Yuta couldn’t stop thinking of his earlier conversation with Jaehyun and Doyoung. He felt almost laid bare by it, and he didn’t know why. His friends already knew Yuta liked men and he trusted them enough to know they would never challenge his authority. But still, telling them this felt different somehow. Perhaps it was because Taeyong was someone who they, too, were getting to know personally; so they could make an offhand comment by accident or worse, pass judgement in ways they never could on Yuta’s anonymous hookups. Perhaps it was because Yuta felt like he was on the edge of losing control at a time when he needed as much control as possible. Perhaps it was because he knew nothing good could come from giving into his desires. Any impropriety could be used against him or Taeyong after all, and he needed to maintain his position in the Inagawa-kai and help Taeyong in the process. Still, the more time he spent around Taeyong, the more Yuta was sure he wanted to do unspeakable things to him. At least if Taeyong wasn’t interested, he could go from distracted to morose, and the latter state would be a marginal improvement for his ability to focus.

Yuta had asked how Jaehyun and Doyoung would suggest he approach Taeyong with his attraction. Jaehyun councelled him to treat the situation as if it were a heteronormative one: as if Yuta were confident and straight and there were no stakes in the interaction. Besides, said Jaehyun, if you think he’s interested then all those things might as well be true. Doyoung, on the other hand, decided to play devil’s advocate and suggest that Yuta confront Taeyong with the information that he knows Taeyong is gay (which, again, he didn’t). Once he had Taeyong scared and talking, only then should he reveal his true intentions. Obviously, neither tactic was a viable option, so Yuta found himself left to his own devices once more.

Yuta sensed motion in his peripheral vision and jolted to attention, watching as a young woman scurried down the sidewalk and up the stairs of the small house he and Taeyong were staking out.

“Oi! Taeyong!” Yuta yelled, hitting his partner in the arm and waking him, wondering to himself if the violence of the action wasn’t partially a means of relieving some pent-up sexual aggression.

Taeyong raised his eyebrows and looked around, bleary. “Right there! It’s her.” Taeyong followed Yuta’s outstretched finger and noticed the woman just in time to see her finish turning her key in the lock and slip inside.

“Oh!” he exclaimed, realizing what was going on. “Should we go knock on the door or something?”

As they spoke, a few orange lights illuminated the windows of the house. Yuta shook his head. “No, it’s too late at night and she’d be suspicious. She’s likely already in a sensitive situation being a millionaire’s mistress. Besides, we’re only here to confirm her location for when we come back before the meeting. We want to give her as little time as possible that should could use to inform the Yamaguchi-gumi if it goes wrong.”

“So, mission accomplished?”

Yuta grinned his signature grin; wide and almost unhinged under bright eyes. “Mission accomplished.”

Taeyong nodded, seeming to suppress a shiver, and turned his head to the house which had returned to its dark quiet. “I still don’t understand why we can’t just go around to some neighbors to confirm her identity.”

Yuta tutted, hoping maybe to provoke a clearer reaction from Taeyong. “Too risky,” he explained. “If we do that what will happen? They’ll all tell her the next time they see her that the yakuza were asking about her. We have her I.D. photo; it’s all under control.”

Taeyong nodded, a contemplative pout settling on his face and sending Yuta’s blood rushing.

“ Shategashira ,” he began, “why’d you take me on this recon mission with you if you were just gonna let me sleep?”

Yuta shrugged. “It looks good for you if you can prove you accompanied me. Good for your case so you can gain more freedom.” Yuta cleared his throat. “Can I drive you home, Taeyong?”

Yuta thought he saw a hint of pink bloom on Taeyong’s cheeks, but it dissipated as quickly as it had appeared. Taeyong nodded, eyes gluing to the floor mats.

“Thank you, Shategashira . But if it’s too out of the way –”

“Nonsense,” interrupted Yuta. “Just tell me where I’m going.”

The dark, tree-lined reprieve of Ms. Minatozaki’s neighborhood eventually opened up into the neon jungle which consisted most of the city.

“Take a right up ahead,” Taeyong directed.

Yuta took the turn and soon the car was rolling by a street famous for its adult businesses. A love hotel here, a strip club there. Taeyong made a sound in his throat.

“What is it?” asked Yuta.

“I was just figuring that the girl we were watching for and her Mitsubishi man probably meet up in places like this.”

Yuta wondered what Taeyong was getting at. “You’re probably not wrong,” he said. “Though I’d imagine they do it in nicer parts of town.”

“It’s kind of despicable, no?” Taeyong asked, seemingly to himself, head leaning sleepily against the window. “These guys get power and then suddenly they can do whatever they want. Lie to their wives, launder money, you know? Keep left.” Taeyong paused as Yuta followed his direction silently, allowing him to finish his thought.

“I can’t really imagine you guys doing that, with your samurai code of honor and all that.”

Yuta chuckled. This boy either had Stockholm Syndrome or was purposefully trying to get some kind of result out of his musings. “Taeyong, you forget we’re career criminals. Adultery is the tamest thing some yakuza get up to.”

Taeyong smirked, making Yuta surer the other man was playing him to some end. His tired brain felt suddenly electrified.

“Whatever,” said Taeyong. “Just promise you won’t cheat on Momo with some other woman. I’d lose all respect for you. I’m the tall apartment on the right up there, by the way.”

Yuta’s whole body went stiff. This boy . He decided to be honest with Taeyong – at least to the extent that he could still backtrack at any moment.

“That shouldn’t be difficult for me, Taeyong,” he said, pulling over to the curb. “I don’t think about women all that much. Haven’t been with many, either.”

Taeyong didn’t move to get out of the car. Yuta waited in anticipation, feeling both relieved and like he’d dug himself into a hole. He watched how Taeyong’s face roiled in thought, expressions materializing and evaporating as quickly as bubbles in a simmering pot.

Taeyong sighed, finally speaking. “Well have you been with any men, then? Do you think about men?”

Now it was Yuta’s turn to sigh. What had he done? This was so dangerous. The hopeful look on Taeyong’s face egged him on, but what if it was all a trap? What if Taeyong’s entire appearance in Yuta’s life was a setup to ensnare him? He’d barely known him for two weeks. Yuta could kill people but he couldn’t make a decision in this moment. What did Doyoung say about confidence, again? Fuck it.

“I – yes, Taeyong, as a matter of fact, yes.” Yuta looked straight ahead over the steering wheel, feeling like his center of gravity was stuck somewhere in the seat below him and praying to anything at all for Taeyong to just get out of the car. Instead, he felt the other man inch minutely closer.

“Do you…do you think about me?”

Shit . Yuta was not equipped for this. He was used to spaces where he could be clearer on the rules of engagement – where his work wasn’t so wrapped up in his sexual impulses. He dared a glance at Taeyong, who’s eyes were blown out in anticipation. Yes , Yuta thought. God, he wanted to say yes, but he had some sorting to do in his own mind before he could. He gripped the steering wheel and steeled his face and voice.

“I don’t think it would do either of us any good for me to answer that question,” he said lowly, and Taeyong drew back. The look of shame on Taeyong’s face immediately made Yuta want to recant; he was digging himself into a bigger hole.

“I’m trying to protect you, Taeyong, and I think this is the best way to do that,” he tried to clarify. “I hope you understand. I appreciate you accompanying me today, but I need you to go inside now so I can go home. Please.”

Taeyong nodded and turned to open the door with minimal movement, as if trying to take up less space. Once outside the car he leaned over and said, voice distant with formal intonation, “Good night and good work today, Shategashira . Thank you for helping me. I understand, and your secret is safe with me. Excuse me.”

Yuta watched Taeyong bow and hurry to the front door of his building, disappearing within. Yuta couldn’t remember the last time he felt this shit, but he kept playing it over and he could envision no clean ending to the scenarios where he and Taeyong gave in to each other. Yuta started to drive back the way he came, turning the radio on to avoid slipping into the murk of his mind and having an accident or something. No , he assured himself, you did the right thing . It would have to be this way between them; it was for the best.

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new-endings · 4 years

Text

The Nice and Accurate Guide to Courting

Ch. 1; ao3

Chapter summary: in which Crowley learns and yearns.

“And in reality, it was probably here where Crowley fully and undeniably faced the ill-tuned music that he fell treacherously and helplessly in love with the Principality Aziraphale— who wanted nothing more than peace and was willing to marry off the prince to one unlucky and unhappy Archangel to achieve it.”

Step 2: Gather Intel:

The castle wing generously bestowed to Crowley and the rest of his Legion was lavish in its towering ceilings and ornate tapestries; pristine in its Heavenly whites and creams and the dutiful servants keeping offending grime away; and above all—it was spacious. Wide and echoing. Fit for royalty, one might say. So, it was quite understandable how it really chafed away at Crowley’s (remaining) patience (and sanity) to find Hastur and Ligur squirreled away in his quarters.

Again.

Yes, he understood that they may be his footmen, but this was also precisely why Crowley tended to “disappear” for hours (even days at a time) in his own abode in Hell’s Kingdom.

Crowley paid little heed to Ligur’s scrutinizing gaze as he approached the attached study; to do so would show weakness before his subordinates and that was a decidedly unwise thing to do given his current position.

The position being smuggling another one of Hell’s scarce literary publications for his Guide’s reading pleasure.

But it was Hastur that broke the silence with a sly grin and a meaningful look as he eyed what was in Crowley’s hands. “Another tome, Prince Crawly?”

Well. Some greeting to your Prince. Crowley shot him a scowl. “Another remark out of you and you’ll crawling back to Hell.” Nevertheless, Hastur looked nonplussed as always so Crowley shrugged; he’ll get back at him later for that. “Besides, this is payment,” he protested. More so for the Angel’s delightful company than any real progress in his princely responsibilities, but they needn’t know that bit.

“Payment to the Guide assigned to you by the Queen herself?” Ligur added with a derisive snort. “Ah yes, what a great boon to have this queer Bird in our midst.”

“A Bird in hand is worth two in a bush,” Crowley assured. Not that he would even entertain the absurd notion of replacing Aziraphale as his Guide. “Nothing wrong with a little encouragement.”

Ligur was decidedly unconvinced. “You two spent the last week traipsing about every fine eatery in this God-be-damned Kingdom. I think he’s plenty encouraged.”

“Ah, but perhaps not in the manner the Prince would like?” Hastur said with gleaming eyes.

Crowley didn’t outwardly flinch. Of course he didn’t. “He’s—” lovely to be around. “More than entertaining—”

“But not quite like the rest of your toy soldiers, eh Your Highness?” Ligur remarked with a sneering curl of his lips.

“Certainly treats him better than his own lot!” Hastur supplied with a chortle, sneaking a conspiratory smirk at the other. “Looking to nest with this particular Bird before gettin’ shackled to the old ball and chain?”

And that’s when Crowley decided he’d had enough. “Bah. No need to be so crass.” He waved the insinuation off, wishing he could do the same to the twin annoyances holding in snickers and rude gestures at his expense.

It really wouldn’t do to have them meddling in his personal affairs.

And yes, his blooming—whatever it was he had with Aziraphale—was most definitely personal.

Crowley cleared his throat. “His company aids in getting accustomed to being flocked by other Birds.” A bit of a lie, but what’s the harm in that?

Aziraphale was hardly like the others. He was an oddity, certainly, but a rarity with his unabashed enthusiasm towards his indulgences, his general love for his comforts and all matter of life around, the soft glow about him, such a stark contrast from the lurid light and air of sterility the others exuded.

But that was why Crowley liked him so much. He gave a brief hum. “Though I suppose I am curious.” And a grain of truth to really throw them off— “Why, indeed, send such a queer Bird to sort me through this whole mess.” He’d meant the question to come out—detached. Perhaps just a bit pensive. But it didn’t. “Out of literally anyone else.” It came off rather hopeful, wishful.

Apprehensive. It’s not so often that my luck happens to turn out all right. Makes a Demon all sorts of anxious, Crowley thought.

Thankfully, it seemed neither of the two picked up on it. “If he can put up with the likes of your company, why not? Besides…” Ligur eyed the tome in Crowley’s hands. “He’s certainly got you on your best behavior.”

There were several responses Crowley could have chosen. He could have denied it of course, playing deeper into the Demons’ hands at his own expense. He could prove them wrong—which in all intents and purposes would have been the more entertaining option, especially if he could pin the ensuing trouble he’d been itching to cause on to them. Or he could have played the Royal Card—remind them of exactly who they were serving: rotten branch of the Royal tree or not, Crowley was their Prince—at the cost of letting them know deep down, that perhaps yes, maybe Crowley did care a bit more for his Guide than what was probably, Demonly, comfortable.

Instead, he opted for a scoff, a one-worded rebuttal, and a suave saunter as he exited the room. “Nonsense.”

He had no remark, however, for why he took the tome with him as he headed off.

He was already late in meeting Aziraphale as it was.

Why was it that whenever one was late, it couldn’t be for a few seconds—or even a few minutes?

Some impassable obstacle just has to miraculously (or cursedly, really) manifest to snowball a small hindrance to an entire ordeal.

And that entire ordeal came in the form of a balding Bird with an insincere smile, just outside his quarters. “Prince Crowley, if I could have a moment of your time?” Crowley frowned all the while and didn’t relent his pace. “I couldn’t help but overhear, Your Grace—”

Right. The halls echoed, after all.

Crowley did his best to pay it no mind, already picking up his pace, legs widening their stride. A scan to his side and—yep. It*** was following him. Fuck. After a tick or two of silence, Crowley sighed. “Our people have long lost Her Grace—no need to address me as such.”

“Right. Of course,” it replied easily. “Sandalphon, Prince Crowley,” it greeted, though it did not offer its hand as customary for other Birds. “You have questions, I’m to understand? About the Principality Aziraphale.”

That gave Crowley pause. “Principality, you say?” His Guide? The book-hoarding, sweets-loving, sunshine-smile Aziraphale— a warrior?

Birds often didn’t give Crowley a good feeling—save Aziraphale, of course—but this one was particularly unpleasant. “Indeed, but by title alone.” Crowley didn’t like the way it seemed far too excited to share whatever it had to say: “His ranking—is…In a dubious state.”

And there it was.

Crowley gave it an unimpressed look. “Is it now.”

Unfortunately, the Bird was simply undeterred. “Oh, yes.” It nodded, almost somber. “He was an absolutely adequate warrior. Lead his own platoons during the wars past—”

“Aziraphale?”

Crowley knew he made a fatal error from the wide grin spreading across its face. It leaned in, whispering low. “He even served as Archangel Gabriel’s subordinate.”

It all suddenly clicked into place. So that’s why he’s so familiar with the Archangels.

This was…indeed quite valuable information. But even then—Crowley couldn’t see it. Aziraphale obviously didn’t want war—seemed to be wholly devoted to the cause of keeping peace between their kingdoms—at least, when Crowley wasn’t purposefully distracting him with little gifts payments and banter. He had thought that perhaps the Angel had been too soft for war; he never considered the possibility that perhaps he was softened by it instead. Still, it wouldn’t do well to have a little chinwag with someone so eager to defame his Guide. Especially with a being that knew full well his relationship with Aziraphale.

The professional one, anyways.

And Crowley had to remember to keep playing that part. “Well, it seems they brought the right person for the job, then,” Crowley responded, almost testily. He knew what the Bird was baiting him for, but Crowley wouldn’t comment on the status of Aziraphale’s title. To do so felt like a betrayal to his Guide—and to do such an incredibly thoughtless sort of thing that would no doubt place Crowley far from Aziraphale’s good graces.

Not that Sandalphon needed encouragement in the first place. “Oh agreed, Prince Crowley. It’s certainly a mutually beneficial little arrangement. Well of course, Aziraphale has everything to gain from it anyways.” This Bird was more than content to sing like a canary. It gave a wheezy chuckle. “Probably begged the Queen herself to allow him some task to prove his worth to her again.”

Crowley made a show of rolling his eyes and heaving an exasperated breath. “Are you content to prattle on about another Angel’s business to anyone who pays you mind?”

It backed off, raising its palms in an inoffensive manner. “I’m merely giving you some insight!” It gave another slimy grin. “You asked a question, after all.”

And damnit all questions were always Crowley’s favorite weakness. He gave one, hard look at the Bird before relenting, carefully keeping the uninterested façade. “All right. I’m listening.”

“Rumor has it—” It gave a cruel smile. “—that he was dishonored and stripped of his flaming sword. And no one knows why—save for the Queen and Aziraphale himself.”

There was a beat of silence before Crowley’s resolve further buckled. “A flaming sword, you say?” he asked evenly.

And how Crowley detested that wicked sheen in its eyes. “Yes. It flamed like anything.”

Again—quite a bit to take in. There were several methods and modalities available at Crowley’s disposal to respond to this influx of information. He could very well give a curt nod and leave it as is—allow the Bird to believe he ruminated the information for a moment—just a moment—before tossing it away as just a fanciful fact. He could very well thank the Bird for the interesting intel, perhaps even bait the being into telling him more—but honestly, even the offhanded thought made Crowley’s stomach churn in a way that wasn’t even remotely pleasant, so that was obviously off the table.

So, wisely, Crowley settled for a derisive snort. “Ah. Must have been impressive, especially to give such a dangerous weapon to a pacifist,” tone disbelieving, uncaring. “But if he no longer has it, then this information really serves no purpose to me. I’d be more concerned were it the case that he possessed such a weapon and used it in an untoward way against myself or my Legion.”

“Err…I suppose…” It responded cautiously, perhaps unknowing of whether or not to be affronted by the utter disregard for what it had known to be reality-shattering knowledge.

And perhaps—in a way, this information was.

But it would take a lot more than hearsay to change how Crowley felt about Aziraphale. “And you say these are—” He gave it a scrutinizing look. “Rumors, is that right?”

Sandalphon startled. “Well, they may be rumors, but—”

“All baseless drivel when it comes down to it.” Crowley huffed.

It must have known Aziraphale cared more for peace than winning an expensive, horrendous disagreement for power. It didn’t matter that in times past that the Angel was out there in the bastions and fortresses, armed and ready to lay down his life for this useless struggle.

To add a bit of insult to injury, for his Guide’s honor, Crowley added, “Is that everything you wanted to say?”

Who he is now is all that matters.

The Prince made a show of rolling his eyes when he was met with a beat of silence. “And to think I believed you to have something useful to tell me.”

And right now his Angel—his Guide—is waiting for him, waiting for Crowley. And damn it all, Crowley was really late!

“I—” it stammered.

Crowley turned, continuing his way as he gave the Bird a wave of dismissal. “That is all.”

It was quite easy to turn tail and head away from that blathering Bird and its rather rude insinuations towards Aziraphale—

But it was quite different to get away from what he’d learned. Rather, it was impossible to unlearn and unlisten to the implications. Not particularly aimed at Aziraphale, and not even the insinuation aimed at their…well.

Work relations, as it were.

Besides, it normally wouldn’t bother Crowley to hear that he was just an assignment—a woefully accepted obligation—he’s been used to that all his life. But what did bother him was that this didn’t seem like Aziraphale at all.

Granted, he’d only known his Guide for a little over a week—but Crowley prides himself in being an excellent judge of character.

Which was precisely why it seemed like this Angel was the only being he’d ever truly felt drawn to.

He didn’t know everything about the Angel, but he felt like he had one of the most important basics down: the Angel loved his comforts. He loved his fine wines and lazy afternoons, cozy reading nooks and buttery pastries. He hardly seems like the type who’d thirst for blood for his scorching, battle-ready blade. It was quite like a adding a tomato to a fruit salad: you know it’s a bloody fruit, but it doesn’t quite fit the description, nor fill the role.

The thing about these niggling thoughts, however, is that the harder one concentrates on not thinking about it, the harder it becomes to ignore. And it’s hardly Crowley’s fault—that stupid Bird brought it up—and even now, with Aziraphale regaling to him of the Archangel Gabriel’s penchant for fine clothes—the question burned at the back of his tongue. So, Crowley did the only thing a Demon could do in a conundrum such as this:

Yield to temptation.

“Say,” Crowley interjected. “Didn’t you have a flaming sword?”

Aziraphale sputtered to a pause, a fragment of Fraisier slipping off his fork. “I—I’m sorry?”

“Yeah,” Crowley ventured, carefully casually. “Heard it flamed like anything.”

Aziraphale blinked, absorbing the words but not quite extrapolating its meaning quite yet. It’s fine. Crowley can wait.

He was prepared for the awkward silence and unrelenting tension that would no doubt follow. He was prepared for the Angel to deny it, lie with a flushed face and a nervous titter, and attempt to redirect the conversation. He was prepared for the Angel to sigh, soulful and deep, and ask who told Crowley. But Crowley, in his careless preparation to the consequences of opening this particular can of worms, forgot one, vital thing:

This was Aziraphale he was talking to. “I—I, well—uhm!” Prone to flustering. “That is…” And prone to being thrown into a prickly, nervous frenzy. “It’s—it’s hardly any of your business now!”

And prone to vehemently reprimanding Crowley about what should and should not be said in a public restaurant.

Crowley took a wary glance about them; most of the patrons and staff scurried from the Prince’s glare. He really ought to have chosen a better place to spring a question like this. “Angel—”

But it looked like Aziraphale was getting ready to leave—to flee.

And that was not something Crowley was prepared for at all.

“Angel—Angel, wait!”

But in a heartbeat or two, he’d vanished— strawberries and cream left unfinished.

Crowley supposed Aziraphale couldn’t be that mad. He didn’t fly off into the sunset leaving Crowley as just a sulking mote of dust behind him, after all. No, instead he simply chose to ignore Crowley as the prince helplessly, and hopelessly, trailed after him like an offending lover, ready to swallow his pride after a tiff gone awry while the Angel stomped all the way back to the castle.

“Slow down, you bloody Bird,” Crowley groaned and miraculously—

He did. He stopped right in his tracks and sat down on the stone bench overlooking the pond.

Crowley sagged against the garden bench, finding that while he was content to call out after the Guide, he wasn’t quite ready to lay out everything he felt like he should say just yet.

The prince cast his gaze to the scenery instead. The pond before them mirrored the vibrant pinks and indigos painting across the sky; the bustle of the castle and its inhabitants sounded so far away from behind the towering walls, encasing the sliver of paradise with silence and solitude.

Aziraphale had led them there, Crowley realized with a start, with the intention of talking without interruption and witnesses.

Beside him Aziraphale scoffed. “Really, Prince Crowley, to approach someone with such a personal inquiry in such a public area—”

“For the last time, Angel. Just call me Crowley.” He looked over to Aziraphale, seeing the mounting trepidation on his face and stiffness on his shoulders. But he was trying to keep the conversation open and he wasn’t running—that was better than what Crowley could hope for. “And better my asking than the other Birds,” Crowley countered. “Squawking behind your back, telling tall tales and spreading rumors—”

A pause. There went that nervous habit again. “Oh. So, you’ve heard from—one of them.” Soft, plump hands, tugging and straightening the whites and creams of his robes; delicate fingers and manicured nails, not meant to brandish swords and spill blood.

Hands Crowley wanted to take in his own, hold them still and feel those fingers curl and intertwine with his instead. “Not by my choice, mind you.” But Crowley didn’t. “The balding one—bit of a slimy fellow—”

“Sandalphon.”

“Yes, that one.” Aziraphale was avoiding his gaze, resolutely staring off into the still waters before them. Crowley swallowed and thought that at the very least—the Angel deserved to hear the truth. “Started raving about your title, or well lack thereof, and—” Quietly, gently, though it was easy enough for Crowley to say. “I didn’t believe it.” Because it was true. “Not the important bits anyways.”

There was a quick, darting look towards him and Crowley uneasily shuffled closer, facing the Angel fully.

“I know you’re a Principality—that seems to be common knowledge amongst the other Birds. But I don’t think you were stripped of your honor like that.” That response garnered him a questioning look. “At least—not for the reasons anyone else could think of.”

“What…what makes you so say that?” Aziraphale asked, and Crowley hated them all for making is Guide sound so unsure.

He gave a chagrined smile. “Do I really have to say it?” He blew a noisy sigh, hoping to ease the ascending tension with petulant humor. “You’re an Angel.” No, not like them. You’re better than the others. “I don’t think it’s actually possible for you to do the wrong thing.”

Whatever reaction Crowley was hoping for with a response like that, he certainly wasn’t prepared for the heartbreaking disbelief and awe in those Angel eyes.

“Crowley…” Neither was he prepared for that something in the quiet, tender way Aziraphale gasped his name—

—that made Crowley want to dive straight into the lake to douse the turbulent flood of warmth that sank its fangs straight into his chest, squeezing the bleeding organ with its lovely thorns.

Crowley coughed, suddenly finding his throat dry and chest pounding. “Well, my theory was that you probably didn’t even want a war in the first place—and there’s really nothing wrong with that.” Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit oh FUCK THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING— “After all this war business is utter rubbish, I tell you. About damn time we made actual efforts in forming a proper treaty. Not that I completely agree with the modality they’ve chosen to enact in the name of armistice, but—”

“I GAVE IT AWAY!”

The thorns squeezed tighter. Crowley could barely let out a wheezing, “You…what?”

Aziraphale looked absolutely wretched.

And Crowley wanted to kiss that expression right off his beautiful face.

“The sword. The one given to me by the Queen.” The Angel raised his arm to gesticulate something before giving up halfway, letting his hand fall to his lap. “Oh, what was I supposed to do? Our platoon did our best to minimize the damage, but even then, that battle absolutely decimated that village! There could have been all sorts of terrifying beasts out there, not to mention marauders and the like with their defenses gone!”

“…What?” was Crowley’s ever-intelligent reply.

Aziraphale fortunately took that as a Please, do go on, I’m ever-so-intrigued by this turn of conversation and not at all finding myself at the brink of despair at the horrific realization of my own stupid emotions.

“So I thought, ‘Well, they need it a lot more than I do right now’ and I told the village leader Take it, don’t bother to thank me!” He rubbed his hands distractedly, frantic anxiety bleeding into his voice. “And—and, the magic on it should only protect them, it shouldn’t be used to start any—”

“You…gave your sword away. The sword given to you by Her.” Crowley’s heart was hammering now, driving the pinprick points deeper, yet it did little to calm the stone-drop of cold dread at the pit of his stomach. “To protect some vulnerable people? Angel…” That’s wonderful. You’re wonderful, you foolish, lovely git. “Well, where is it now?”

“In…” The Angel floundered, gaze darting to his lap again. “In a quaint village. Hopefully nicely repaired and thriving by now.”

“Well, go get it then!” Yes, please, let’s go—run, run far, far away— “Put an end to the rumors—stick it to Sandalphon’s grubby little face—”

--far enough that maybe then these feelings won’t reach you.

“It’s…not so easy,” Aziraphale answered apprehensively.

“Come now, Angel. I’ll even come with you—like one of our day trips!” Crowley himself was already warming to the idea. It was like a little adventure. Like seeking a lost treasure—a real one! Clearing the Angel’s name, off to conquer the Nosy Gossips of Heaven’s domains, to slay the evils of shit-talking— Prince Crowley and Principality Aziraphale—

Crowley and Aziraphale--

And maybe Crowley did want that. Maybe he did want to go off with Aziraphale, forget this Prince and Guide rubbish for just a while, escape to a small pocket in time where titles and responsibilities didn’t exist. Just them two, and a grand, old adventure laid out for them both. There were surely lots of places to see. It’s a great big world out there, just out or reach from the two borders of their respective kingdoms. The Other Side, where the maps ended but the skies continued on.

And where other lines blurred completely.

But. Baby steps. Crowley reigned himself in again, despite the frenzied beating in his chest. “I mean, you’ve been wanting to show off Heaven’s charming little towns—”

“Erm…” Aziraphale was starting to look panicked again. “That’s the thing.” He gave an anxious little smile. “It’s…not in Heaven.”

Normally, Crowley possessed a fine and rich vocabulary borne of years under strict tutelage all because his mum shacked up with the King of Hell and spawned him in the process. “What?” Today, all those lessons flew out his brain—

“It’s…a bit farther than that.” Aziraphale held his gaze to Crowley’s. “A bit further South, rather.”

—missed the pond completely and smacked straight into the white stones of the garden walls. “Angel…”

“Yes, okay?” Somehow, Aziraphale managed to look even more miserable—and dramatic, by far. “The village—my sword—It’s in Hell’s domain.” He gave an imploring and helpless look to the stone-frozen Crowley. “But shhh please, promise you’ll keep this a secret?” And just like that, he took Crowley’s hands in his own, asking, beseeching, “Just between us?”

Crowley would have confessed to all the Divines in the High Heavens that this was the moment Crowley fell—horrifically, dreadfully, disastrously, and absolutely— in love with Aziraphale. There, underneath the peaking moon and glitter of stars. In a garden, after Aziraphale shared with him his greatest burden—that this Angel had sacrificed his loyalty for love and protection for a people he did not know or understand, for a belief he didn’t know he had in himself.

“Yeah…” Crowley squea—no, no, that was not a squeak damn you. He hastily cleared his throat, covering those soft hands with his own. “Yeah, no worries there.” He met Aziraphale worried eyes evenly and vowed: “I promise. You have my word, Aziraphale.”

Aziraphale slipped his hand out of from Crowley’s and Crowley’s stupid brain had the fucking audacity to think the appropriate response to that was to instinctively whine at the loss of contact.

Aziraphale, luckily, did not take heed of this offense. “Thank you…” he breathed, shoulders sagging, as he held his hand to his chest. Crowley wondered if the Angel’s heart was beating just as obnoxiously as his. “And…thank you, for. Well...” If the Angel’s heart mirrored his own. “It’s nice to finally get that off my conscience, really.” The Angel gave a tired laugh, one that didn’t really meet his eyes, one that sank and fell flat on itself. “I always did worry if that was the best course.”

“Like I said, Angel.” His hand came forward, floundering before finding its way to the slope of Aziraphale’s shoulder. “I’m not sure if it’s actually possible for you to the wrong thing.” You’re too good for that.

Too good for me, a dark, traitorous thought echoed back.

Crowley would decree that it was here, beneath starlight and Aziraphale’s sunbeam smile that Crowley would embark on the path of rewriting his own stars for a change. He knew that he was endangering his entire Kingdom and the Kingdom of Heaven by choosing Aziraphale, despite his royal obligations— but he’s a risk-taker with a lot of imagination. He doesn’t know how to persuade two kingdoms to accepting his choice—if that could even become a possibility at all.

And if not…

Maybe running off wouldn’t be such a bad option.

Running off—together.

But—baby steps. Firstly, he must start with getting Aziraphale to accept his courtship.

Speaking of which… “Oh! This is for—you.” He reached into his pocket, wriggling the tome out from where it had been jabbing him while he ran after the flighty Bird. “I brought you a little something.”

There was that smile again. “Crowley, this is—oh my…” The one that likely damned him from the start. “It’s lovely—”

Crowley attempted a scoff, though it likely sounded like a sputter. “It’s a rather sad and dreary one, written over a millennium ago by a rather sad and dreary fellow. I thought it’d be right up your alley.” He watched carefully from the corner of his eye, seeking any discomfort from Aziraphale, any sign that the gift was not to his liking, not to his standards, not up to par with what he deserved. “Always preferred the funny ones myself.”

“I’m honored.” But he could find none. Only an excited smile and eyes of far-off skies poring over the text; just the look of an Angel utterly enamored at the prospect of reading a new tale, exploring another world within the confines of word and mind.

And in reality, it was probably here where Crowley fully and undeniably faced the ill-tuned music that he fell treacherously and helplessly in love—this moment where the evidence stared back at him so boldly in his face, that he realized the extent of these rather inconvenient feelings he had towards the Principality Aziraphale—the Principality who wanted nothing more than peace and was willing to marry off the prince to one unlucky and unhappy Archangel to achieve it.

Because damn it he wanted Aziraphale to look at him like that.

And upon accepting that foolish thought as truth, it all came crashing down in that very instant.

Fuck. I love him.

------------------

Fun fact: Sandalphon’s pronouns in the book and script are “it/its.”

Thank you for reading~

#good omens #ineffable husbands #crowley x aziraphale #top crowley #bottom aziraphale

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vaguely-concerned · 4 years

Text

I played Death of the Outsider finally and I have some Feelings about it

and most of them not very positive. nice stuff first tho!

THINGS I LIKED:

- billie is such a good character. still new to her old self and slightly tender from coming out of the protective shell of lies that was meagan foster, full of old scars and doubts and bitterness but trying for something better, something kinder even though she still doesn’t quite understand what she’s walking towards -- the genuine care and tenderness in her voice when she talks to daud or thinks about deidre. I love her.

all that and she effortlessly IS also the queer disabled woc the gamer bros refuse to believe could possibly exist. exquisite.

- the idea of ‘killing’ the outsider is compelling, but it’s the sort of idea that needs a full length game to support it and its implications. cool idea, completely wrong execution.

- saying that: I love that the injustice of the outsider’s creation being righted is only made possible by a long unbroken line of mercy and kindness. daud saved billie from the streets, corvo spared daud, daud saved emily and spared billie after her betrayal, billie tried to save aramis stilton and became entangled in the void, emily spared billie, billie took this job in the first place partly because she loves her dad daud and wants him to find peace. that idea is so beautiful that I wish the rest of the narrative was strong enough to hold it up lol.

there’s also something going on here with other people holding on to the important pieces of you -- that billie is ‘all that is left’ of daud after he’s dead. once he saved a child from true loneliness and gave her a purpose, made her feel seen again, gave her the closest thing she had to a home, and when he’s completely lost himself in the void... that kindness is still alive in billie, and she helps him find his way. again that is really touching and thoughtful and plays wonderfully into the chaos system in these games thematically! too bad about all the stilted dialogue and characterization messes and uh. everything else.

- most of all I love how clear it is that billie and daud love each other. it’s a quiet love that has nothing to prove anymore, it’s survived all the blood and the ugliness and everything they’ve done to each other and to the world, a love with no demands left. it’s not the sort of love you usually see, in all its unsentimentality, but it’s real. when daud tells her he’s proud of her and trusts her no matter what she chooses to do, you feel how much he means it. (making his insistence on trying to make her choice for her all the weirder -- see my long rant of lamentation about his characterization in doto below lol)

there’s something about daud’s undramatic yet complete acceptance of and respect for billie that... I didn’t know I needed this, but it was a nice gift nonetheless haha, thank you. (it’s similar to how good it feels in D2 when you realize corvo just likes emily a lot as a person, even aside from her being his daughter. a good series for father & daughter stories)

- this carries over from D2, but I think the journal/log entries are better written and more insightful than the stuff out in the world.

- it cannot be overstated how much the gameplay loop of these games is just... pure crack cocaine for my brain haha, very few things give me this specific kind of brain tingle. I love the sound of looting and I love the art style and ambiance and I love planning out a strategy after finding all the options and I love never being spotted or killing anyone and I love the puzzle elements they put into exploration sections and I love the feeling of how you move through the environment. it’s one of the few games where I routinely get so into it I end up with a crick in the neck because I’ve been so focused for so long and never noticed I’ve been sitting in a way that makes my entire spine hate me. I needed something to get me through the last few days and it did deliver that, at least. karnaca is pretty enough that I didn’t even mind that most of the levels were recycled from D2 either.

- I’m not quite sure whether I understood this right but there’s a woman standing behind daud in the void -- I wonder if that is actually his mother and he’s been so close this whole time? at first I thought maybe it was jessamine but god no I hope she’s finally at peace after All That Nonsense, she shouldn’t have to hang around there anymore. there’s also a figure near him I could swear was corvo with his mask on, but he’s not dead canonically so that would make very little sense. oh well I’ll take my feels where I can get them even if I have to make them up wholesale

- the bankheist was cool as fuuuuuck, that and the emotional impact of daud dying was sadly the height of this game for me, after that it all went mediocre real quick

- paul nakauchi as shan yun was, as I have said before, a blast. ‘ugh I cannot continue my throat is as raw as a plucked pheasant’ fsdkfhlsadjkhfas

- daud’s funeral is genuinely touching. she gave him the entirety of her old life for a sendoff, battered and worn and dear as they both were. someone hold me

THINGS I H A T E D:

- the stuff they did with daud’s characterization. I am so unreasonably angry over this haha, the more I think about it the more I hate it. I think there are paths you could go with his ACTUAL character to make this work, but this was not it. I’ve said this before, but his most iconic, most defining scene is him surrendering himself to corvo’s judgement without justifying himself or deflecting the blame for any of what he’s done. this isn’t even regression in his character, it’s just.. a different character altogether. they could have gone for the angle that delilah almost managed to end the world b/c daud showed mercy and that’s the reason he’s moved to action, I think that might be a more compelling motivation for him at least. OR have him be more conflicted about how to do things -- violence is still the only tool he knows how to use but it’s not what he wants to or even can be anymore and the conflict troubles him, ‘His hands do violence, but there is a different dream in his heart’. or even use a different character for the ‘kill kill kill’ angle, he didn’t need to be here for this dlc at all.

also, just on a purely practical level... for all his flaws and longstanding moral shortsightedness daud is not a stupid man. why the FCK would he be so sure that killing the outsider will fix anything? if I, dumbass extraordinaire, could within half a minute wonder if maybe something even worse would take the outsider’s place if you removed him... why does that never occur to the Knife of Dunwall tm, a man about Void for like half a century or whatever?? ugh fuck this, I’m having a hard time explaining exactly why it all feels weird and wrong to me, but know that it does and that I Do Not Like It lol. I feel cheated out of something important I thought I had.

- again, this should have been a full game. (I think it is sold as one already, but it just hm isn’t) there’s way too much shit of literal cosmic importance for the game’s universe being picked up here for something this short to cover. save this HUGE idea for a rainy day should you ever want to do another game in the series and do something else with the dlc, honestly.

- god but the outsider is insufferable in this. I don’t know what happened, but by the end I was like ‘*thoughtfully strokes chin* maybe daud has a point billie keep that knife handy’. he’s annoying and boring, which is wild to me because he was always a lot of fun in the other games.

for real tho I don’t know if this is just my atheist-but-still-angry-at-god-somehow??? talking, but daud HAS a point. people are responsible for their own actions, but the outsider didn’t have to do any of what he did either. he could have chosen to be bored through the centuries instead of seeing what people would do if you gave them such ~*morally neutral*~ abilities as y’know summoning a bunch of rats to eat other people. the game wants me to buy the ‘but really this black eyed boy is woobie tho uwu’ so badly and no I’m not buying that give me my refund I want my chaotic neutral bastard back pls. I’d probably be more inclined to want to help him like that. where’s his salt gone, arkane. if you didn’t want him to be edgy why did you make him look like that.

- this is the lamest possible version of the outsider’s backstory lol, it feels like the pearl clutching panic about satanic cults back in the day all over. listen if it’s this easy to make a god the thrill is sort of taken out of it, if these randos did it anyone could. also how the fuck are they just normal-ish people anyway? why do they follow modern fashions? haven’t they been hanging around for thousands of years, haven’t their culture changed in any meaningful way? (I realize these aren’t the same guys as back in the day but it’s just weird) why do they speak a language billie and the player can understand? why did anyone think ‘idk some cultists no one’s ever heard of before with no thematic significance whatsoever’ was the way to go world building wise? they’ve taken all the unknowable eldritchness out of the eldritch horror and we’re all poorer for it now haha

relatedly the last level is... just not very good. you come down from the awesome bank heist and then there’s... whatever the fuck this was.

- while I do like billie finding daud in the void and him remembering her I hate that he goes out still full of self loathing and rage when you talk him into the nonlethal option, that he can’t forgive himself or find any sliver of hope or peace. I wish there had been a few more moments for the two of them to come to peace with themselves before he gave the outsider back his name, some real catharsis. as it is I was annoyed when the outsider ‘woke up’ or whatever b/c it felt like he was stealing attention from what I was actually emotionally invested in and not done with.

they had n o t built up billie’s or my sympathy for the outsider well enough either. again this is something I think they could have done if they’d structured things differently, if they’d been more deliberate in making you understand he was basically a child and letting you dwell on it. because there is a parallell there between him and billie, and billie and daud, but I, how do I put this, did not give a fuck

in short this was really similar to my experience with D2 in that there’s enough good there that it’s all the more painful when it fails to deliver on it again and again, and it ruined things I already liked about this story from the first game (daud’s arc and everything to do with the outsider, mostly). give me some months of denial and hard core headcanon work and I’ll probably be able to live with it

#*shows up to doto years late with enraged takes and starbucks*#dishonored #death of the outsider #meta #I am ranting but it really is because I do love these games and it hurts me when they let themselves down like this lol

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theyorthemrecords · 4 years

Text

imaginary toads in real gardens (I)

a/n: the soft college!cashton fic i’ve been promising the group chat, focusing mainly around their shared poetry class! also a little barista!ashton, if you squint. also linked below are the two poems mentioned by name, if you’re interested in reading them! (both are personal favorites of mine hehe)

tableau by countee cullen

the helmsman by hilda doolittle (h.d.)

word count: 1.7 k

warnings: a light sprinkling of cursing, but nothing else in this part! enjoy ~

Calum wasn’t quite sure how this morning could get any worse. It started with him oversleeping, causing a chain reaction of trying to brew his own coffee, spilling said coffee all over himself, changing his shirt because of the spilled coffee, and ending up in, quite literally, the ugliest outfit he had ever seen. To make it all worse, it was a Tuesday, meaning the class he was rushing to was poetry, which just so happened to be the one class he shared with the absolutely dreamy barista from the on-campus coffee shop, the Bee-Hive.

Calum had been crushing on the guy, from afar, since his freshman year, and couldn’t believe his luck when he materialized in his spring semester poetry class two years later. Throughout the first few weeks of the semester, he had collected a few key pieces of information about the other boy, using it all to fuel his romantic daydreams, when his mind wandered. First, his name was Ashton, which technically Calum already knew, but it just felt so different to hear Ashton say it himself as opposed to simply reading it on his nametag. Second, Ashton was a junior, like himself, but unlike Calum, Ashton wasn’t an English major. He was a Philosophy major, making his enrollment in the class perplexing to Calum at first, but he pretty quickly understood why Ashton had picked the class. It was obvious that Ashton loved poetry, the art of crafting words into something larger, something new, from the first class discussion they had about Claude McKay. Calum liked to believe, especially since he was now an upperclassman in the English department, that he understood poetry, but it had rendered him speechless to hear Ashton discuss poetry. He just seemed to feel everything so deeply, to be able to grasp the author’s intent and purpose immediately, breaking the poem due to purest essence before Calum had even figured out the rhyme scheme.

Which all looped back to why Calum was hellbent on not only showing up to poetry class on time, but putting all his effort into the discussion they had, in order to desperately try and impress Ashton with his dazzling and insightful textual interpretations. Has it worked so far? Technically no, but he was too stubborn to stop trying and too chicken to actually just ask the other boy out. What if he said no? Then Calum could never go to the Bee-Hive again and his caffeine addiction would be limited to his shitty dorm room, french press brew. That was a horrific reality. Worse than that, what if Ashton wasn’t even gay? The question had perplexed Calum since the first day of class and he bounced back and forth on the answer every time they had class. The closest he had gotten to an answer was the day they discussed Countee Cullen and his poem “Tableau”. Ashton had talked so passionately about the poem and Cullen but managed to do so without actually saying whether or not the poem applied to him. Calum concluded that day that Ashton had to be gay, that there was no way a straight man would talk that emotionally and beautifully about one of the most stunning gay poems in existence. Still, he didn’t have a definite answer, and that was enough to scare Calum out of asking Ashton out.

Too lost in his train of thought, and the blasting volume of Jimmy Eat World currently pumping through his earbuds, Calum failed to notice the body in his way until it was too late and he slammed into whatever unfortunate bystander in the Quad, scattering the books in their hands all over the ground.

“Holy shit” Snatching his earbuds out and bending down to gather the books that fell to the ground, Calum was amazed when the voice that answered him was none other than Ashton himself, seemingly materialized in front of him by how hard Calum had been daydreaming about the man.

“Hey man, no worries. You’re Calum right, from poetry?” He winced as soon as Ashton spoke, glancing up at him from where he was positioned on the ground, picking up Ashton’s books, which, upon inspection, were obviously from their assigned book list. Of course Ashton barely knew his name, when it seemed that all Calum could do was daydream about him. It had gotten so bad that his roommate, Michael, had taken to throwing pencils at Calum to get his attention, as most of the time he was zoned out in his own private Ashton fantasy. Standing up to hand Ashton his books, Calum gave him a small smile as they finally stood face to face.

“That’s me. Sorry for barreling into you like that, I was just -” Calum paused mid-sentence, too self-conscious to admit that he was rushing to class. Especially because he was rushing to class to see the person that now stood directly in front of him. Luckily, Ashton filled his silence with an easy laugh, a sound Calum found particular delight in.

“No worries, I definitely don’t want to be late for poetry either. Dr. M always bites people’s heads off if they’re not on time. Since we’re going the same way, wanna walk together?” Calum could feel himself gaping at him, scrambling to find something to say to Ashton’s offer. This was too good to be true.

“Erm-” God, pull it together. Now or never Hood. “I’d love to.” For an English major, he felt like he should be able to say something a little more eloquent. Ashton just let him so speechless, it felt like every word he had ever learned simply departed the minute Ashton’s hazel eyes landed on him.

“Perfect! Lead the way” Falling in step, the two walked in silence for a beat as Calum gathered the courage to say something, anything, to keep a conversation flowing.

“You’re a Philosophy major, right? Why take an English class?” The walk was just long enough that Calum could get some answers to the questions he’d had all semester, and he decided this was the most neutral one to start with. Wouldn’t be very becoming to just launch out the gate with the good old “Are you a queer?” He at least had a little tact left. Again, he was met with one of Ashton’s laughs, a sound Calum quickly found himself becoming addicted to. I’m in too deep.

“You got me there. In all honesty? I’m not too sure why. I just had extra space in my semester and… I don’t know. The class just kinda grabbed me. If that makes any fucking sense.” Calum was nodding along, trying hard not to look like he was hanging off of Ashton’s every word. Fuck their poetry class, this man was a poem himself. Just grabbed by a poetry class. Could he get any dreamier?

“No, I totally get you. You picked a good one. Dr. M may be a hardass, but she’s one of the best professors in the department.” This was Calum’s fifth class with the woman and he was still shocked by how hard she made all of her exams. Still, she pushed him in a way that was unlike any other teacher he had ever had. He was happy to know her and even more grateful to have her knowledge in his life, both as a professor and his advisor.

“Shocking to hear you say that. She eats up everything you say. On the other hand, I feel like a dumbass every time I make a comment.” Accompanied by a bashful smile and shake of his head, Ashton glanced away for a second. Calum was, once again, stunned into silence, this time for a totally different reason.

“You? Are you kidding me? Everything you say in class is amazing, you’re so insightful. I wish I could read poetry like you do… everything you say is so stunning and you just… get it. You’re great in class Ashton.” Finishing his ramble, it was Calum’s turn to be embarrassed. I can not believe I just said all of that to him. He’s going to think I’m insane, that was a crazy thing to ramble at my crush. Is it too early to consider transferring?

“Really?” Every single bad thought Calum was having about himself halted when he looked over at Ashton when he spoke. Ashton was staring at him, with so much hope welling up in his eyes it was disarming. Calum’s mum had always said that the eyes were the windows to the soul, and it seemed like Ashton’s windows were flung open, displaying every emotion plainly to him. A warm summer day, gorgeous and breezy and open. “You think so?”

“I know so. And Dr. M loves you, she just has a funny way of showing it.” Calum bumped Ashton’s shoulder, half to break the trance they were in and half to remind him to start walking again. “She will, however, love us less if we show up late to this class. C’mon.”

It was silent again as the two walked side by side, but unlike before, the silence felt comfortable. Breathable. Like a shared understanding. It remained that way as they walked into the English wing of the Main Hall, finally reaching their classroom right on time. The class was small enough that there were always open seats, but everyone had settled into their unofficial assigned seats back during syllabus week. Ashton always sat closest to the door, while Calum sat across the room, right in front of the big window that faced the park on the front of campus. Ideal for gazing out of the window when he wanted to zone out and for sneaking glances at Ashton whenever he spoke. The best of both worlds. However, as they entered class today, Ashton followed him to the window and snuck into the seat on Calum’s left. When Calum stared at him in shock for half a second, still standing, Ashton laughed his adorable laugh again with another shake of his head.

“Figured it was time for a change of scenery, yea? Now sit down so we can talk about Hilda Doolittle. I’ve been dying all weekend to hear what Dr. M has to say about The Helmsman.” It’s official, Calum thought as he sat in his seat and pulled out his own book, I’m in love with this man.

#GOD first fic posted DONE!#honestly..... i'm so excited by this #cashton!college au is my drug #cashton imagine #calum x ashton #college!sos #college!cashton #calum hood imagine #ashton irwin imagine #calum hood #ashton irwin

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migleefulmoments · 5 years

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“Precious little d. Either embarrrssed about talking about sex or it had been quite some time, and if it had been a long time, that seems quite inconsistent with the PR story that was starting to ramp up as this was not long before confirmation day and the I’m a straight man with a gf tour.” Gawd is she serious lols. Darren loves a naughty pun so why would be embarrassed to talk about sex. And seeing as Abby has probably never had sex she should probs keeps quiet.

Darren embarrassed to talk about sex? HE WROTE “ME AND MY DICK”!!!!!! He has a bar called Tramp Stamp Grannies which serves drinks called boob soup...there is no way in hell he was embarrassed. Like who the hell is she thinking about when she says that? Herself? Kurt with his “because of the layers” conversation? Certainly not Darren Criss.

The clip is here (X) so you don't have to watch the entire episode.

He says ‘who me” and takes a heart beat to answer - Kathy makes another joke and he says “IDK...IDK, yesterday?” to which Kathy says “because I would think playing a gay guy but being a hot straight guy, you must get a ton of pussy” and he says “Well I mean, well I mean, I don’t want to embarrass Lily...” In fact Darren says “yeah, yeah” while Kathy is saying this. He wasn’t silent and trembling in the corner while Lily saved him. IDK what video you were watching. Kathy wasn’t outing him she was making a joke about how much pussy he gets being straight and hot but playing a gay guy. How do the ccers get everything so wrong? Oh right- they cut the clip, slow it down, make a gif which Abbys calls

““Little bonus:”

Keep reading some high-end nonsense-I commented on some of the nonsense but I only made the comments regarding this video “bold”.

Anonymous asked:

For some reason KGriffin has been on my mind today. Her infamous interview asking D about vaginal sex. Dude looked like he was going to come out of his skin. Another thing as close as C is with her I’ve seen a lot of pics with him at her house at parties without the boyfriend.

Oh you mean this classic moment? An interview just a few short months after the woman he had been betrothed to since birth moved to LA and you’d think the answer would be frequent and all time and not something that would completely fluster him. So much so that L/ily had to step in and save him.(Yes, because everyone wants to say “frequently and all the time” about their girlfriend who just moved to town. Classy. Lily didn’t “step in and save him”. You should have watched the video again before you write about it.)

You can always see his brain spinning, thinking “can I say 3 years ago before I became Co/lfersexual? Oh wait my beard lives here now. Surely if it were real it would be all the time. Should I just refer to the last time I had sex with C? They don’t need to know there was no vagina involved…..” (Yes, that is exactly what a sane person would think in the heartbeat it takes him to answer. Watch the video again- NOT THE GIF...your fantasy has changed the facts-you sound like Trump “he ran int other tunnel and died crying and screaming and whimpering like a dog”)

He was so obviously struggling and thankfully L/ily, an openly gay woman, made it into a joke to spare him. (what joke does L/ily tell that saves him? I’m curious because when I watch the video that part must be mute)

Precious little d. Either embarrrssed about talking about sex or it had been quite some time, and if it had been a long time, that seems quite inconsistent with the PR story that was starting to ramp up as this was not long before confirmation day and the I’m a straight man with a gf tour. (But look at that, it IS consistent with YOUR story of a fragile but powerful gay man who realized he loved his costar the moment they met but woefully that love is forbidden for reasons that make no sense whatsoever but involve Ryan Murphy and a contract, a contract he signed with wide-eyed innocence at 23. He just wanted to share his talents with the world and the lure of fame dazzled him but he soon found out he signed the deal with the devil. It’s the story of a man who chose the wrong beard and is still paying for that a decade later just as he still pays for signing that contract as a naive 23 yo. A man who, as you say “likes cock”, but it stuck spending most of his time with his “wife”, a woman he detests. This fragile but strong man who wrote “me and My Dick” and mimicked masturbation while standing in front of the paparazzi pen on a red carpet is is TERRIFIED of talking about sex...duh!)

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rougedraconteur asked:

Just want to say that I could not be happier about most of the Halloween costumes and parties this year. But, I do think it needs to be said that Kathy and Chris were friends before this. By this interview with D, she and Chris had been pals for years. I know she was on Glee, as a judge of one of their many competitions. And she also held a fake marriage ceremony with him on stage somewhere, with Chris as her groom. She’s like Jane, a mom sub. C was on K’s show, then D, same as Jane’s.

And yes, Kathy knew. She always has, same as Jane. They are insiders, people to be trusted with the truth. She just loves to put people on the spot, even those she cares about. All of these folks on the show that day, knew the truth, whatever it was at that time.(She’s his mother figure? but his mother was alive when this was shot. I love how they “know” this stuff-everyone know but nobody thought to help Darren or stop working with Ryan Murphy out of solidarity and support- hell even Darren didn’t support Darren by icing Ryan Murphy out of his life. Also nobody has leaked on bit of information ...ever...in 10 years. That impressive AF. )

***********************************************************************

This Halloween was like Christmas, it was fabulous and no matter what they try, they cannot undo it. And I am confident D&C were fully aware of what was happening on Thursday night with the pictures. They have been playing this game for years, they know how not to be in the background of photos. They wanted those pics circulated.(more confirmation bias) So my question is, why now and who allowed those pics to be published? We all know the content is generally very controlled. And I would imagine EP has full control over the pics that are released from his party, I always question his involvement and well he was responsible for the only formal pic to date of CC, albeit a group photo.

C killed Halloween with his 2 costume choices. They were amazing. And I love that both he and D wee in drag last Saturday.

As for M/iarren, while the costumes themselves were not that great (kind of cheap and poorly executed though D as a dalmatian was adorable). I would say she spent more time and effort on the pics with her “squad’), i loved both of them. The villain and the victim. And in both cases, the D character won. And costume one was a blatant nod to C and his amazing books. Proving she is obsessed with us and what we say and trying to one up C.

Sad for her, she lost Halloween this year and CC triumphed and caused an absolute riot (a riot caused by Chris, Darren, Will and Mia speaking together at a party.. it has come to this#SAD!).

On K/athy thanks for the insight. I guess i cannot imagine asking such a direct question if I knew the truth. I guess what she failed to realize is that D is a terrible liar, especially back then. (why would Kathy, a great friend to Chris, do something so painful and difficult for Darren in front of a video camera let alone on a comedy show. Outing someone is a serious matter and not something concussive a rapid-fire comedy show. Your theory makes no sense whatsoever). His face told a million stories and none of them were of a straight man with a gf that just moves across the country to be with him (yes Abby, his face gave him away because his words sure as hell didn’t, never have and never will. It’s absurd but you continue to believe you know his truth based solely on facial expresses-which you have proven you cannot read accurately-, t-shirt graphics, song lyrics and Instagram “likes” but sadly, that is where we are at).

No doubt both L/ily and JTF knew. I think JTF has actually been a role model to D. And he and JM have been, from what i can see, really amazing to both our guys.(Vomit- random gay men in Hollywood are not “supporting Darren” through his 10 years of closeting, denial and marriage to a women-they have their own lives.) And L/ily would never have jumped in that way if she thought for one second that d was capable of handling it himself (Oh FFS, Darren made the joke about him and Lily having vaginal sex, Lily didn’t jump in, she cracked up and after he milked the joke for all he could get out of it- then she made a joke riffed off his. Your fantasy has overtaken the truth once again. Luckily we have video proof). But since D could not muster an answer, she answered for him and then he was able to collect himself and go with the joke. (that isn’t true at all-it’s a complete a lie).

Intereting side note, when that video originally aired, i still believed the PR story and I remember thinking about how odd his answer was and how uncomfortable he was. And i wasn’t looking for anything as I didn’t think there was a reason for him to lie.

I love this interview. And example of something team shit would dream about if only d could answer convincingly and instead it completely shined a light on the fact that D is queer and prefers the company of men, at least at that point in his life (Not making a statement on his past and sexuality) (OMG really? You're not? All you do is make statements about his sexuality. Let’s pretend you are right with this theory- For all the help that Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Ricky Martin, Ryan Murphy, and all the other gay men in Hollywood are providing ccDarren, this video showing how team shit failed again was broadcast 6 1/2 years ago (3/13) and Darren is still saying he’s straight, he’s still not spending time with Chris -well of course except the Halloween moment caught on the camera-they still lead entirely different lives and Darren married Mia sooo I’m not sure how they are team “shit”. Sounds like “team perfect” since everything is going their way. They even got Darren to cuddle Mia for a photo as “punishment” for that little moment with Chris...Team Shit for the Win....again!)

#cc #ccer #cc fandom #crisscolfer #darren criss #debunking cc liees #Kathy Griffin Show

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patheticphallacy · 5 years

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This is going to be a really difficult introduction to my wrap up.

Unfortunately, on September 18th my dad passed away. He was only 50 years old. I won’t go into details because of how personal it is, but he was in hospital a majority of the month before he passed. I’ve taken a year suspension from University for the time being.

It has been a really difficult time for myself and my family. I’ve turned a lot to books and blogging to offer a way to occupy my mind which is why so many things still seem to be coming out, but I cannot say that this will hold up after the funeral.

As I schedule so many posts, a lot of what came out this month has been written since around mid August and I did not find the time to stop the University posts before they were released. I won’t be deleting them.

I hope you’ll all understand.

THINGS I’VE READ

An Inspector Calls by J.B. Priestley– My sister gave me her copy she used for her GCSE’s. Such a great play with revelation after revelation, left me on the edge of my seat. While I knew the core plot twist, I didn’t predict that ending.

Mob Psycho 100 Volume 1 by One– This was kind of meh. It’s one of my best friend’s favourites, so I’ll carry it on eventually, but I don’t really feel the urge to pick volume two up just yet. I will say I like how the anime tackles the same events in a different order to save major revelations for backstory– that was really interesting to pick up on.

I Call Upon Thee by Ania Ahlborn– I really didn’t like this! Lacklustre and very cliched, feel like it doesn’t really offer anything other than annoying ending and characters who go through absolutely no development at all.

Kissing Tolstoy by Penny Reid– An OK romance that actually has discussions surrounding reading and books that don’t feel forced. I found this easy to read even though I’ve never read any Russian Lit, and I actually want to read it more now. Like that it discusses age gaps and issues of the power dynamic too.

Seven Tears at High Tide by C.B. Lee– Finally finished this one, and it only took me 3 months. A very cute and heartwarming story about a boy who makes a wish and falls in love with a Selkie. Does get ridiculous at the end, I must say, but I was happy with the payoff.

The Tea Dragon Society by Katie O’Neill– Katie O’Neill creates such amazing narratives that have wonderful messages about society and being true to yourself and your wishes, pursuing something that you love and encouraging others to do the same.

Rosemary’s Baby by Ira Levin– How can I ever trust a single man or old person after this book? Tell me.

Please Undo This Hurt by Seth Dickinson– Don’t really rate this short story. It bored me and I hated the main characters, not even in a good way. Just perpetuates the ‘I can save you from your mental illness’ narrative that is dull and overdone by this point.

My Hero Academia Volume 20 by Kohei Horikoshi– Gentle Criminal and La Brava was so boring, the School Festival arc was fabulous, and Endeavor finally got his ass kicked! Yay!

Aphrodite Made Me Do It by Trista Mateer– I have a review of this coming out soon for National Poetry Day in the UK, but if you don’t want to wait, I have a review here!

The Quiet Boy by Nick Antosca– I read this after watching the trailer for Antlers, and I thought it was pretty neat! Very thrilling, although I’m bothered by changes being made in the film that I feel could detract from having Julia as one of the main characters in the film.

I Am Not Your Final Girl by Claire C. Holland– A collection of poetry centring around fictional women from horror films, exploring their empowerment and agency in a genre and a wider culture and society that seems willing to beat them down until they break.

Alice Isn’t Dead by Joseph Fink– I have a review of this linked later this post! Full of body horror and emotional trauma, this is a really solid read great for fans of the podcast and Welcome to Night Vale.

In the Shadow of Spindrift House by Mira Grant– I love this terrible cover! Keep an eye out for my review of this, it’s coming out soon.

The World’s Greatest First Love Volume 1 by Shungiku Nakamura– The publishing elements and the main character were GREAT, but there is prevalent sexual assault in this that is never addressed and is incredibly insensitive in its treatment, so I don’t recommend this manga.

Dead Voices by Katherine Arden– I didn’t enjoy this one as much as Small Spaces, but it’s still really freaky and a great middle grade read. I love that Coco gets her own POV in this, too, and that it doesn’t take stereotypical routes with some of its plotlines.

No One Is Too Small To Make a Difference by Greta Thunberg– This is a collection of speeches Greta Thunberg has made addressing climate change, as well as her own position as an advocate for the cause. Moving and a must read, in my opinion. It’s only £3 in Waterstones at the moment for anyone who wants to pick it up!

Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury– A fascinating collection of essays written by Bradbury about his writing process and some of the more popular works he’s published. I honestly felt really inspired and motivated after reading this, I highly recommend it especially for creative writers, but just be warned it is very oriented around the white male experience.

Heartstopper Volume 2 by Alice Oseman– I adore Heartstopper and I love this second volume. Great progression in the relationship between Nick and Charlie, and we’re getting to see more outside of their relationship and into their friendships and family dynamics, too. I still love Tori Spring!

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle– Finally got a hold of the MASSIVE audiobook where Stephen Fry narrates all the Holmes stories, and it honestly made the experience so much more enjoyable. I think Doyle’s skill lies more in shorter fiction than longer fiction, I think there’s less opportunity for… not useless, per se, just unneeded waffling.

Giant Days Volume 9 and 10 by John Allison– These two volumes take place around the tailend of the girl’s second years and follows their accommodation location, the progression (and breakdown) of relationships, and them finally making it to third year intact. I honestly can’t believe there’s only three or four volumes left in this series, its been a constant companion for me since 2016 when I first started and I really don’t want to let it go.

No Touching At All and Even So, I Will Love You Tenderly by Kou Yoneda– Of the ‘older’ manga I’ve read that focus on the relationships between two men, these two are definitely in the ‘recommend’ pile. Other than the beautiful names for the volumes and the artwork being really pretty, I really enjoyed the developing relationships and the conversations had about workplace homophobia and ostracization in Japan, although that wasn’t the main focus. They do include some questionable attitudes towards identification of sexuality– two characters in both volumes are probably bisexual or on that spectrum, but are referred to as straight more than once for liking women and only the man they enter the relationship with. It’s complicated, but nothing in either volumes ever feels targeted or hateful, just lacking education on the nuances of sexuality.

Articles

I found this article about Friends great as it breaks down issues I’ve had with the show for years. I don’t have a lot of attachment to it, honestly, I mostly just put it on in the background, but I think I’ll stop now. I’ve always found the handling of gender and sexuality damaging in Friends, as well as the overwhelming fatphobia.

I really enjoyed looking through this list The Guardian did of the 100 best books of the 21st century. I don’t know why, I’m just a big fan of lists!

Before reading this article, I can honestly tell you I knew nothing about Susan Sontag beyond her name. It’s deconstructing her queerness and how her aversion to accepting her own sexuality ultimately ruled a lot of the work she produced in her life.

God, this article was fascinating. I can’t even tell you what it’s about, really, other than that it’s an interview with Christeene, a punk drag artist who is just really cool, honestly. There are some buttholes for anyone who… wants to avoid butts? Or reading this at work?

There was a massive conversation in August that carried into September regarding the rise in men adopting pseudonyms to get their thriller novels published. This Atlantic article particularly captured the issues I have with men who do this, who are almost trying to fool an audience of women who trust women writers to not approach the suffering of women through a misogynistic lens, as is so common in modern society.

An older article by The New Inquiry, Coming out of the Coffin offers an insight into the fraught relationship between Bram Stoker and Oscar Wilde. A really interesting read, I’m just sad I discovered it 7 years after its release!

THINGS I WATCHED

I don’t do music sections on these wrap ups anymore, so I’ll put this here: the GRAACE cover of ‘Complicated’ by Avril Lavigne completely transforms the song and adds such an amazing depth to it

I decided to binge watch Fleabag and it’s most definitely the best decision I’ve made all year. Fleabag follows the titular woman as she navigates her life as a thirty year old woman whose entire life is in flux, and has been since the death of her mother. There’s a lot I could say about this show, honestly. What really stood out to me was how much I could relate specifically to the emotions Fleabag and her older sister Claire feel in relation to each other, and their grief. Seeing them still come back together even after such a significant loss, their dependency, really gives me strength to get through what I’m experiencing at the moment, so Fleabag has been something I can relate to and look at as hope for a future where I can begin to wrap my head around the terrible things going on around me.

THINGS I POSTED

August Wrap Up

TTT: Books Outside My Comfort Zone

50 Bookish Questions Tag

Music I Enjoyed This Summer

Connie’s Personal 101 Guide For Personal Survival of University

Bookshelf Tour Part 3: TBR & More Manga/Comics

Book Review: I Call Upon Thee by Ania Ahlborn

TTT: Books on my Fall TBR

Book Review: Alice Isn’t Dead by Joseph Fink

Bookshelf Tour Part 4: CDs&DVDs

If you liked this post, consider buying me a coffee? Ko-Fi.

Goodreads|Twitter|Instagram|Letterboxd

September Wrap Up This is going to be a really difficult introduction to my wrap up. Unfortunately, on September 18th my dad passed away.

#2019 #articles #book review #film #music #reading wrap up #tv

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sonderisms-blog · 6 years

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❛ Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering. ❜

Spotted at Grand Central, bags in hand, {KAREN GILLAN}. No, that’s a mistake. It’s {AMELIA POND}, they are a {CANON CHARACTER} and come from {DOCTOR WHO}. They are {TWENTY-NINE} and I’ve heard they are {CREATIVE}, as well {OBSTINATE}. They happen to hold {THEIR} memories. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. Lucky for us, {jinx, 23, pst, she/her & they/them} sent us proof.

Welcome to New York, what is your character’s name?

Amelia Jessica Pond-Williams. Though, she took on the last name Williams when she was transported back to 1920s New York because she couldn’t really legally hyphenate + it was a testament to how much she loves Rory & how she was willing to leave behind her old life with the Doctor behind. But she prefers to just be called Amy!

Where have they been pulled from in their fandom?

Right when Amy & Rory make their exit in Doctor Who, in the Angels Take Manhattan. I imagine that she wakes up in her new life in this RP from that point.

With the curse, how has your character’s life changed?

Well, I don’t want to godmod the potential Rory player but if Rory isn’t in her life then that’s a major change ( though, I’d love if they were best friends who grew up together or something in the new life ). Like in canon, Amy had the belief the Doctor was real but instead of him coming back, he was just a story. She still grew up the same way in canon, the weird girl who turned ginger bombshell who was a kissogram but in this verse ( to mirror canon ) she gets picked up by a modeling agency and moves to New York. As far as Amy knows she’s lived in New York for 10 years, now a successful science fiction author and currently working on a children’s book both illustrating & writing it. Her life has changed because she turned her childhood shit into stories that have sold pretty well. She didn’t get married to Rory at a young age, she’s had quite a few years to develop who she is and live her life outside of Leadworth.

With Amy’s memories coming back, to put it simply, it hurts. All over again. Remembering it all, losing it all, it hurts. Though not a drinker AT ALL, Amy has found herself doing anything she can to forget remembering, working on a much darker novel than her previous ones. It’s been disorienting because even though her life is beautiful & brilliant as it is -- it’s not real. The feeling of things not being real, the blurring of lines between reality & falsity has really done a number on her as she does deal with mental illness, worrying that she’s finally, properly, losing her mind. Frankly, she doesn’t know if it’s real, she doesn’t know what’s real, though she tries to be Amy Pond, this blurring of reality is something that scares her. Another feeling she feels is anger, anger about what happened to her in canon, anger about having to doubt her own mind all over again and a determination to fix this and/or find the person responsible.

Do they have a job, and if so what is it?

To dive in more about her job, Amy isn’t the most famous person around but she definitely has mild celebrity due to her early modeling ( a model turned scifi author intrigues a lot of weird fanboys that’s for sure ), her books are what has really launched any celebrity she has into something more recognizable. Sometimes asked to help host D list red carpet shows, etc. Amy is not Known Known but you find her face recognizable. She’s done a lot of activism as well for mental illness and the LGBTQIA+ & Queer communities as she’s openly bisexual so there’s definitely a funky little cult following she has and she’s fairly popular in Scotland as well as a hometown hero in her town of Leadworth ( something she finds HILARIOUS as they hated her for years ).

Is there any other information about your character that members might find helpful?

THIS SECTION WILL BE FOR MY RAMBLING. Because where else am I GONNA DO IT??? I’ve been playing Amy for 5+ years now and I’m going to give y’all some insight on how i play her as well as how i see her. I’m watching an episode right now that’s helped come up with some of this as well. I’ll probably add more HCs as I slowly rewatch her scenes, etc.

A Sagittarius!!!!!!!!!! which literally fits her so well if you love astrology and Amy Pond, you already know!

One of my favorite aspects of Amy’s character is her empathy & intuitiveness. While sometimes lacking social grace and not always the best with interpersonal relations, she can see people for who they are deep down, their intentions, the emotions she feels like she feels from others often overwhelming but something that does lead her. A gut instinct magnified. She’s intuitive and empathetic because she’s got such an active imagination paired with a creative mind, she’s able to put those two things together, not only painting a picture of who someone is, painting colors on them they might not see themselves. Maybe this is a bit naive at times, maybe even a bit dangerous if it steers her wrong ( which is why Rory Williams is so important to her, her impulsiveness paired with this can get her into tough situations and he always has her back, always by her side ). Amelia is not always one to think before jumping into situations if she feels it’s the right thing to do, a prime example of this is her running off with The Doctor EASILY. Both as a kid and an adult. Luckily, not many have taken advantage of this as she can be extremely closed off emotionally. She’s a good judge of character and if she puts her faith in you, know while it could be surprising, it was a very much calculated, thought out, and a felt through choice. Amy’s extremely stubborn so good luck getting her to do something she doesn’t want to do ESPECIALLY if she doesn’t feel it’s right. Amy is usually able to connect to anyone and everyone some sort of way when she tries due to all of this, usually better with connecting to people than the ( Eleventh ) Doctor himself is.

[ EMOTIONAL NEGLECT MENTION, ALCOHOLISM MENTION ] Verbal, straightforward, blunt, but it when it comes to her emotions, the ones that hurt, the ones that can’t be wrapped in something beautiful or lightly joked about are the ones tucked away. Amy’s got serious commitment issues as well, as shown throughout Doctor Who, that stemmed from the Doctor leaving her multiple times as well as never knowing her parents. I play her Aunt as a high functioning alcoholic, growing up she was never really home much less attentive to Amy ( also due to the whole crack in Amy’s wall thing, but, that’s a whole other topic ). For insight on how this effects her, I once played her in a multifandom at hogwarts rp where she was in a relationship with a character and they were really fucking cute ( I still rp them to this day w/ my friend ). But she was SO cared of this relationship not working out / losing Rory because he had just confessed that he romantically liked her, that she broke up with the other person ( who she had deep feelings for who never EVER would’ve left her ) because Rory meant too much to her, he’d been there through everything, the thought of losing him? Unthinkable. this isn’t to say she didn’t love them both ( polyamorous Amelia Pond ftw! ), or value Rory as much ( I felt pressured to go into canon as well so I had to find a believable fault/fear/issue to really sell this but I think there’s something to be said for this ), I don’t play it that way in THIS rp, of course. [ END OF EMOTIONAL NEGLECT MENTION, ALCOHOLISM MENTION ]

It goes to show that she will make fear based decisions as well as decisions based on her insecurities that she’s not enough, that she’s more pain than she’s worth, out of not being able to give someone she cares about what they need. For example, when in canon Amy breaks up with Rory because she feels so guilty she can’t have biological kids when she knows he ALWAYS wanted kids. She was scared if she stayed with him, he’d hate her, that she was keeping him from having a fulfilling life, that she wasn’t enough and didn’t fit into what he wanted. Rory deserves everything to her, she couldn’t give it to him, when he gave and gave and gave to her. She didn’t feel worthy, but she didn’t express that fear either, making Rory feel completely shut out because she was shutting him out. She’ll self sabotage easily, because commitment is scary to her and she’d rather be the one leaving than being left. Amy can’t stand to wait for the worst to happen, for the other shoe to drop, she isn’t the fucking girl who waited -- not anymore.

Amy is diagnosed with major depressive disorder previously diagnosed with psychotic features added on as well until the Doctor came back but after having 4 psychiatrists in her youth, Amy definitely fits into having MDD. There are many evidences in canon besides her literally going to psychiatrists that suggest that Amy is mentally ill / ND, another hint in the episode ‘Vincent and The Doctor’. Amy empathizes with Vincent Van Gogh ( my Amy is an extreme art history lover as well, especially Vincent Van Gogh ), she says she’s been where he is, that she gets it. [ SUICIDE MENTION ] She is physically effected when he talks about dark shit and in another episode with the Dreamlord, she talks about how she doesn’t want to live in a world if Rory’s not in it, then killing herself in the show. The way she does it in my head ( and in the show ) is extremely steely, easily done, because Amy has dealt with mental illness, because she’s been in dark places & suicidal ideation. [ END OF SUICIDE MENTION ] In this RP, she’ll also have been diagnosed and is taking medication because we stan healthy characters who cope with their mental illness! Even though she’s definitely having a hard time currently.

Rory Williams really is everything to her. Her best friend, a love of her life, her partner, the only person who stuck by her side through everything. She never waivers in this love for him, even though she does have doubts due to her own commitment issues ( and regular issues ) but she doesn’t have doubts about who Rory is. She loves him. The Doctor is also someone she loves passionately, though she could’ve loved him romantically and often could see that sort of a future with him -- he’s completely unavailable and unreliable. If there’s one thing that Amy can’t do in a partner romantically it’s unreliable. Plus, after finding out her daughter was married to him in canon? She’ll pass. The Doctor is more like a twin flame sort of thing for her, a very kindred spirit. She loves him because in her little town of Leadworth, full of boring, sensible things, where she was the weird girl in town -- he was just as weird as her.

If I had to pick a Hogwarts house for Amy, it’d be Gryffindor.

#intro: amelia pond.#amelia pond: she's mad but she's magic.#intros make me nervous bc i never learned the art of brevity & my name is jared im 19 i never learned how to read #so we got a MESS ur honor!#but i just tell myself no one is paying me to rp STOP CARING SO MUCH fewoijfw #i aint getting no AWARDS #NO GRADES #this took so long bc its a high pain day and im slow! LRIJFFWE

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jobethdalloway · 6 years

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CLEXACON RECAP omfg

bc this needs to go somewhere & @mnhooch was kind enough to ask. tried to bold some highlights bc this is basically a long-ass diary entry ramble haha

-the first thing I went to was a panel called “Gaysian: Queer Asian Representation in the Media” with 4 incredibly rad/funny/super smart folks. Really enlightening convo on finding bits and pieces of characters who don’t look like/sound like you to relate to. A highlight: the first question was asking them if there are any queer Asian characters in the media they related to growing up and the last one said “Well, of course, Mulan” and there was like this loud “MMMMMM yeahhhh” that like rippled through the audience. Pressed to clarify which Mulan: “THE CARTOON one, come on”

-the moderator for the LGBTQ Actress panel was hilarious and the women on it were all wonderful so it was great to get to hear from them/learn about them but for me it was ALL ABOUT STEPHANIE BEATRIZ OMMMMMMGGG. Seeing how bubbly she is irl is a good reminder of how solid her performance is as Rosa like dang. Highlight: Stephanie tearing up talking about how much it meant to her to read the dialogue “I’m bisexual,” laid clearly and deliberately, in the script where Rosa come out

-SO MANY STUNNING BUTCHES EVERYWHERE??? omg. also it was just really cool to be in a space with so many women and nb folks. Pretty much every other gay-anything I’ve tried to go to has been 98% cis gay guys so this was like huge in a way I wasn’t anticipating

-OLDER WOMEN WHO’VE BEEN WAITING DECADES FOR GOOD REPRESENTATION, and they were there, and they love the shows we love and it warmed my heart. Also people came from around the globe for this and that was so cool

-AMAZING COSPLAYERS!!! Faves: 2 people dressed as Valkyries, Xena & Gabrielle, and too many gorgeous Alex Danvers(...es) to count

-saw a group of short documentaries, some of which were like ok but there were 2 great ones - butch coyolxauhqui (x) (about a butch learning to love her body with the help of her mother & an Aztec goddess) and a place in the middle (x) (about a Hawaiian child reclaiming traditional notions about gender from an awesome teacher)

-an awesome panel on butch representation in the media! Wish more people could’ve made it to that one. Such an important reminder that there is soooo far to go. Good introspection about internalized lesbophobia (”cured” tomboys in kid movies; butches being the lesbian equivalent of effeminate men where the stereotype is what our internalized phobia wants to get away from instead of embracing as we should)/the fact that it’s a stereotype but still like never seen?? and if it is seen, is usually negative. sigh.

-a panel on sapphic fanfic! Which was actually really inspiring and makes me want to get back into writing. Because I love it. I love writing, you guys.

DAY 2? ALREADY OMG

-started off the day in the way, way back of the auditorium for the Wayhaught panel which was so much fun! Kat & Dom are too adorable for words. Highlight: Kat’s response when asked about her thoughts on things like fanart/fanfic. idk, it was really heartwearming/inspiring. Something along the lines of, “this character may look like me but it’s the spirit of Nicole that matters, and the spirit belongs to all of us, not just me” ergo she sees fanart and sees Nicole, not herself. No single person/entity owns the character. idk that was just a really awesome thing to hear an actor say

-short comedies!! Sadly I had to duck out of this one early, but I loved 2 of the ones I saw here - a USC thesis (trailer) and a hilarious/touching one by a Philippine filmmaker called “salamagan” that unfortunately I can’t find online anywhere

-CHYLER LEIGH. CHYLER LEIGH, HOLY SHIT. This was like. The most moving Q&A I think I’ve ever been able to experience. As I was sitting there, it really registered with me how shitty it felt to have to put up with actresses (not just a certain 2) for years who were ashamed - vocally and specifically - of fans like us. Not for being over-zealous, but being queer and having queer feelings and seeking validation. How shitty it felt to have those actresses make fun of us on talk shows; make us feel gross/stupid/deluded/embarrassing for feeling the way we did & thus perpetuating internalized fears and shame in abundance. I know there are plenty of actresses who are truly great allies and who care about their LGBTQ fans, but Chyler like ... is so engaged?? She was so emotional and you can see that she gets it, she does not take her responsibility lightly and she is wonderful. I was also reminded of the distinction between seeing ourselves/hearing ourselves in media. bc i’m white, I do get to see queer characters who look like me more and more on TV/the movies (certainly more than I was a kid), but Alex is the first(/only?) one who I’ve really heard myself in and that feels significant Highlight: I got to ask her a question! And I was the last one they had time for so phew. Here’s a link to the whole panel, set to start at my question *^^ (but I definitely recommend watching the whole thing the next time you have an hour to spare) (I MADE HER LAUGH. Kinda hard to make out what I said at the beginning, which is, “oh wow, lesbians are short” bc I’m almost 6′ tall and the mic stand was very very low) (I WAS TREMBLING THE WHOLE TIME Y’ALL)

-highlight: a DELIGHTFUL/wonderful feature called “Signature Move” (trailer). You want a good lesbian movie? HERE’S A GOOD LESBIAN MOVIE!!! Nobody dies, no lesbians have to date men, one of the leads is a butch Pakistani-American and the other is Mexican-American and we see their complicated/beautiful relationships with their mothers and it’s FUNNY AS HELL and the leads are HANDSOME AND BEAUTIFUL AS HELL and it needs all the viewers

-highlight: I got to meet @thefootlightclub and @missmaclay after years of being tumblr buddies!! They are both delightful/amazing people and it was so fun to like, fangirl irl with people. And since I went to this con alone, it was really cool to get to talk to other people about it, haha. They introduced me to some awesome peeps including the lovely @amyroot! Thanks y’all for being so friendly and welcoming me in. Also @thefootlightclub and I talked about how June Allyson should totally have a massive lesbian following bc Jo March and that voice, amirite #imright

DAY 3 OH NO THE WEEKEND IS ENDING

-really sad short films today!! Most of them not great, but there was one that wove in Mrs Dalloway and that was pretty cool/I was stunned to see that the cinematographer was a childhood friend of mine! Who is Mormon! And apparently worked on a film about lesbians! He’s a cool guy and that was a fun surprise. One of the films was pretty powerful and gave me AYLT feels (if my epilogue had been depressing AF) (trailer)

-there was a panel called “empowerment through fandom,” which was nice but pretty much wound up being for Earpers. Validating to know one of the panelists was a reporter and it’s like aha okay this stuff is for people in all walks of life/professions/ages. Validating all around.

-I wandered around the vendor booths and picked up a couple of pins/postcards. So many talented people! Probably just as well that I didn’t look too hard at this stuff until the last day bc stuff was sold out and I probably would’ve spent $$ I didn’t have on some of these rad shirts/posters haha

-went to a panel on Queer Films, which I kind of thought would be more of like a presentation/discussion on the history of films but it was more about how to get them made/how hard it is to do that. The panelists and moderator were great, though, and had some great insights. Specifically, the producer of “Elena Undone” (which I admit I could not finish but deeply wanted to like) talked about how you have to do the best with what you have bc sometimes you just can’t raise the money you want/need to get the film you’d really like bc people don’t like to finance lesbian films and that was kind of humbling to keep in mind

-rounded it all out by watching DEBS, obviously one of the greatest films of all time. Highlight: there were a lot of older women at the con, which was really wonderful to see, and 2 of them were sitting behind me. One said to the other, “I wasn’t sure I was going to come to this but these kids downstairs said ‘oh you totally have to go.’ Well, one said, ‘you “totes” have to,’ which I took to mean ‘totally.’” It was great to hear them laughing behind me the whole time! WHAT AN ICONIC MOVIE.

-I got to eat at Cafe Rio which is always ALWAYS A PLUS

Anyway, wow, what a fantastic weekend. I feel so, so lucky that I was able to go and meet so many amazing people and hear so many amazing people and be surrounded by the love. I never ever thought I’d go to a con - not for any condescending reason, just bc I never thought there was enough I’d ever be interested in to make it worth attending. But this? Wow. Tailor-made for me - for so many of us. If I had a wish then it would be that we could all go to Clexacon next year!

/is it next year yet

#clexacon #personal #ramble

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rainbowamory · 6 years

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My Conversation with a Professor (on queerness and consensual incest)

I wanted to share an experience which I found to be inspiring and insightful and is on topic. For the sake of privacy, I’m not going to give details like names or titles.

I was once part of a group of queer people that were having a discussion about intersecting identities and queer history. A professor that teaches queer theory and feminism was there to lead the discussions. At one point someone in the group mentioned that certain places in the world have bans on media. Among the list of banned subjects are Incest and anything LGBTQ. This person was really upset about this because they did not see how those subjects were in any way connected...

I was upset too, but for a different reason. Although it’s not surprising to me, it still bothers me deeply that I have to censor myself even in a space where we’re supposed to be sex positive and have rational discussions about oppression.

After everyone left the room for the day, I went up to the professor and asked if I could speak to them privately.

I began by saying that I was upset at the thing that the other person had said. I expressed that no one ever talked about this topic from a consent perspective and that when consent is involved, it is a whole other story... I acknowledged that incest is a very complex topic and that there’s a lot I still don’t know, but that I knew of people that were in consanguineous relationships (cousin couples for example). I expressed that it bothers me that this is never talked of, even when consanguineous relationships and marriages are everywhere in society (just hidden in many cases). I gave examples of the few I knew about in real life.

I was really nervous because I’m not the kind of person who is good at talking out loud about sensitive subjects...I prefer to write. And I had no idea what the professor would think of me.

I told them that I’ve been researching cousin/cousin relationships for awhile on my own for my writing, and that sometimes in queer spaces I feel like a ‘double agent’ because I can’t help but apply the things I am learning (about queer history) to the stuff I am learning about consanguineous couples - that while acknowledging there were differences, I couldn’t deny the similarities between them.

The professor was surprisingly open to what I had to say. They listened attentively to my breathless ramblings and told me that they didn’t have an issue with incest as long as it’s consensual and safe (Between adults. Or teens close in age). They said the only thing they don’t support is pretty much things that don’t involve consenting human beings or... toilet play (as an example of something that can cause health problems, is unsanitary and not safe).

They said one of the reasons people might have a strong reaction is because when the word “Incest” comes up, people automatically think of a man abusing a little kid.

The professor even went so far as to ask me if I’d like them to bring up the topic of incest (the consensual kind) with the other youth in the group. I said no, because it’s a sensitive topic for me (and I didn’t feel the others were ready to talk about it from that viewpoint). I thanked the professor so much for listening to me and left soon after, kind of shaking.... because I’m not used to talking about taboo subjects with people face-to-face. So that was scary for me, but also exhilarating.

The thing that moved me most was that the very next day (which was our last day gathering as a group) the Professor, while introducing our assignment, made note that we can use anything as research material except things like bestiality where there is NO consent, and that they are OK with anything that involves Consent. I felt like this was another reassuring comment directed to me, building on the private conversation we had the day before. The people didn’t seem to take anything by that comment (maybe they got what was meant, who knows.. lol) but I was so happy.

This incident was really special because not only was it the first time I dared to speak about it to a stranger directly, but because the Professor’s reaction showed me that there are leaders in the queer community that are intellectually consistent, people who would try to at least be neutral towards consenting incestuous couples and who won’t judge allies for their views, because they’ve already challenged their own minds and given it thought - as anyone who cares about human rights should.

This is also great for related couples because it means they DO have allies in the queer community after all, including allies who are leaders. That is pretty amazing.

[I have made the details of the professor vague on purpose to protect their identity for this post. This is still a taboo subject and I don’t want to negatively affect their career in any way.]

#Consanguinamory #queer #ethics #human rights

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stunudo · 7 years

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Deliverance

A Criminal Minds Fan-fiction

Featuring: Luke Alvez x Spencer Reid Setting: After Season 12

Requested by: Anonymous

“Omg I am going to request a ralvez one shot because there is not (and never will be) enough ralvez in this world. So could you do one where they finally admit their feelings for each other (post-reid jail time) and Luke admits that he's never been with a guy before and he is nervous??? Please and thank you!! <3″

A/N: Thank you for your request! I am tagging it for @reidbyers Ralvez week. I am sorry it took so long, but I, huh, really need to watch season 12. (Because I spend too much time online and can only watch the show when my kids are asleep.) I love this ship so much! I hope you like it. xoxo Stu

Warnings: Grief, angst, talk of sex acts

Spencer felt like he had been asleep for months. In truth it was twenty seven hours and fourteen minutes since he last glanced at the bedside clock in the safe-house Emily had placed he and his mother in. The thought of his mother and her safety sent that familiar panic through his lean frame. He found her seated at the kitchen table, reading contently. The relief flooded through him and he sighed when the nurse caught his eye, smiling in her quiet understanding.

It was as if the past months locked away were just a nightmare he had to overcome; wakefulness had found him with his freedom. He had missed much more than just his mother and her abduction. He had missed cases and setbacks, profiles and small victories. He had missed his team. Although his thoughts had been on one team member more than the others. Something that he hadn’t expected especially when Luke first began aiding the BAU.

Luke hated this part of the job the most. The delivery of earth-shattering news to the family members of his fallen brothers. Emily had insisted on meeting the Walkers at the hospital instead of going home. Luke wouldn’t let her do that on her own. Every one of them were exhausted to the point of numbness. In this storm of emotions his years of training kicked in and he persevered.

The natural smile far from his lips as he stood alongside his chief as the truth destroyed Stephen’s family. How much more loss was he going to have to bring to loved ones? Was catching the unsubs and fugitives making any difference? It didn’t feel like it on nights like these.

The day of the funeral was the next time Spencer saw any of his teammates, besides JJ. She had come over with the boys to visit once Spencer and Diana were resettled at home. Diana loved those boys. Spencer was amazed at how much they had grown since, well, everything. Henry was calculated with his questions for Uncle Spencer, JJ was on guard about any topic too personal. Spencer appreciated his godson’s curiosity and insight. He answered him honestly, because Spencer valued Henry’s trust.

Diana didn’t notice Spencer getting dressed in a full suit. She didn’t notice him shaving or saying goodbye. Spencer took the train into the city and found his way to the cemetery alone. Garcia saw him first and she maneuvered mechanically around the chairs and rows of strangers. She scooped the tall genius into a tight hug.

“You cleaned up nice,” She whispered breathy.

Spencer’s mouth grimaced and he nodded his head to the side. “Thanks, uh, you too.”

“Oh pish,” She waved off the compliment with her clutch in hand. “Come on, our family is all over here.”

Spencer followed Penelope to the two rows the BAU team was occupying. JJ and Emily both hugged him as Rossi patted him on the back. Luke and Tara held back sharing concerned welcome. Spencer didn’t know what to say to Walker’s family, so he sat down and kept quiet. Something he had become used to doing over the past months in prison. The service reflected a talented and dedicated father; a man who deserved more years than he was given. Spencer grieved for the family, a family who wouldn’t be in this situation if he hadn’t been incredibly reckless all those months ago.

Luke had been going over the words and sentences in his head for months. He had guessed every possible reaction that Spencer would have, except this. Spencer sat beside him in the passenger seat in complete and utter silence. Luke wasn’t sure if he had spoken aloud. Had he? Had he meant to? It was not the best timing. But after months apart, the twenty minutes in the car together was the most genuine comfort he could have dreamed of, especially after the funeral.

Luke cleared his throat and tried to look Spencer in the eyes. “Reid? Did you hear me?”

Spencer’s hands were placed flat on to his thighs, they began to sweat so he brushed them on his suit pants absentmindedly.

“Do you mean it?” Spencer’s voice was barely audible. He let the words sink in and then he met Luke’s dark eyes in earnest. Luke’s throat had gone dry, he swallowed.

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t.” Luke leaned toward the taller man, not sure of what to do. Hands itching to comfort him, to solidify his confession. “I’m in love with you.”

Spencer’s brown eyes were on the cusp of tears, his lips pursed and scrunched in concentration. He inhaled, “I’ve wanted this for so long, Luke.” A shy smile curling his pink lips. “But I’m not the man you knew. I have done things and hurt people. People that didn’t deserve it.”

Luke gave up the internal debate and placed his strong left hand on Spencer’s forearm. He raised his right thumb and brushed a streak of saline from Spencer’s pristine cheekbone. “We have all been through a lot since you’ve been gone. I just want the chance to get to know each other again. As more than teammates.”

Spencer bent his face into Luke’s soothing palm, closing his eyes to revel in the skin to skin contact. Affection that had been missing from his life for too long. “Even if I am still navigating towards the new me?” His voice cracked.

Luke didn’t answer, instead he crossed the distance to Spencer, sealing all of their hope and longing in a whisper of a kiss. He touched his forehead to Spencer’s, staring into his very being, “Even then.”

One month later

“What are your plans for the weekend?” Lewis kicked her long legs on the seat facing her and Luke. The case was over, unfortunately the unsub killed himself before they could arrest him.

“Well, there’s this film festival I read about...” Luke checked to see where Spencer was sleeping on the jet, to ensure the conversation was private. “I know he likes foreign films, but I kind of want to surprise him.”

Tara shook her head and patted Luke’s knee.

“What?!”

“You’re trying to surprise a profiler who has a photographic memory?” Lewis chuckled softly. “I’m sure you’ll have fun, but don’t bank on the surprise part.”

The next afternoon Luke and Roxie returned after their run through the park. They were both panting from the exercise, though still excitable. When they got home, Roxie made a weird noise and started pawing at the door.

“What is it, girl? That thirsty?” Luke teased and unlocked the door to his home. Roxie bolted in and jumped up on Spencer who was waiting patiently inside. Spencer and Roxie had formed a surprising relationship since Spencer and Luke started dating. The skittish genius had warmed up to Luke’s dog, he assumed it was because he was able to trust her and hoped she understood they both cared about her human. She tolerated him because he smelled nice and made her human relax.

Luke’s face was alight, “What are you doing here?” Luke walked up to Spencer and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “Wait, how did you even get in here?” Luke’s eye brows raised. Spencer shrugged, smirking while scratching Roxie’s ears.

“Mrs. Hermann likes me.”

Luke rolled his eyes, “That’s because you flirt with her. Any others of my elderly neighbors I have to worry about?”

Spencer liked when Luke was jealous, but he didn’t want it to be drawn out. Roxie left them alone to find her water dish, Spencer slid his arms around Luke’s waist. “So? Have any plans tonight?” His light brown eyes rich with mischief.

“Not anymore.” Luke gave Spencer another quick kiss. “But, let me shower? I am all sweaty.”

“Yes, I can see that.” Spencer appraised Luke’s form fitting tee shirt and basketball shorts.

“Stop, I’m gross.” Luke teased, squeezing Spencer’s side playfully. “Just give me ten minutes.”

After a deeper kiss and a sigh, Spencer released his boyfriend. “No rush, the first showing isn’t until eight anyway.” He called as Luke headed to the bathroom. Luke shook his head, of course Spencer had figured it out on his own.

There was a gay couple in one of the films! It was annoying how pleasantly surprised Luke felt when he saw them. It was something he wouldn’t have noticed until a talkative genius captured his attention. Luke had never been with a man before, in fact he had never thought he would be in a relationship with one at all. Perhaps it was his overly strict Catholic family or his own insecurities regarding his sexuality. He had “passed” as straight for so long he didn’t think he needed to explore that part of himself.

Until he fell in love with his old partner, he wasn’t even sure he was queer. The despair and uncertainty that came with his death had pushed Luke’s heart back inside his internal closet. And then he teamed up with the BAU. Spencer’s intense mind and deep soul encompassed Luke’s heart faster than anyone had before. Being a bisexual in hiding meant Luke was not versed in determining that the twinkle in Spencer’s eyes was only for him.

Spencer, meanwhile, had become overly comfortable with his solitary lifestyle. After losing Maeve he didn’t think he would ever want or find romantic love again. As a man of science, he never had any concern over the physical of those he became emotionally attached to. Certainly not concerning anything as arbitrary as genitalia or societal expectations. Spencer Reid valued people as a whole, not a collection of body parts. Luke Alvez was wholly beautiful, internally and externally.

There the budding couple sat in the dark in the center aisle of the half-crowded movie house. The subtitles giving Luke the hints to Spencer’s engagement with the confrontation upon the screen. Suddenly the tension froze as one of the men fiercely kissed the other actor. The scenes flashed forward with brief glimpses of the passion unfolding, kisses and hands, one man performing oral sex on the other. Then the following morning and the men snuggling in the easy morning light. It was breathtaking. The rush Luke felt throughout his body twisted in his stomach. Emotion rolling within; desire, embarrassment, awe, hope and insecurity. He was going to have to tell Spencer his secret. But how?

Spencer’s aversion to physical contact was only for those he didn’t trust and strangers. He was not into public displays of affection because he hated to be seen as a target for bullies. Luke was not ready for anyone but the team knowing about their relationship so he was also content with walking with his hands to himself back to his truck.

“That was not the first film by Bisogni that I have seen, but his style has evolved since the last one.” Spencer had one hand in his pocket and the other aiding in his descriptions. Luke listening intently, unlocking the passenger door and holding it open for Spencer to duck inside the truck. Spencer smiled to himself at the sweetness of the gesture, he watched Luke walk around the front and into the driver’s seat.

His smile came easily, but the words were a rush. “Did you know that the glans of the penis has roughly four thousand nerve endings?”

Luke was used to his boyfriend being full of facts, but he wasn’t used to sex facts out of context. Spencer continued, “And by the age of fifteen nearly 100% of males have masturbated to the point of orgasm.”

“Okay, Spencer, where is this going?” Luke started the engine, not looking at his boyfriend.

“Physically pleasing oneself is beneficial for being able to communicate how a lover may best please you. Statistically, you know how to bring yourself to orgasm, Luke.” Spencer’s voice softened. “Being intimate with a man is a lot easier than society wants us to believe. Anatomically, we already know what pleases us, so we have a basis for our journey together.”

Luke slammed the gear shift back into Park. Spencer had profiled his inexperience and hesitation from that two minute love scene in the show. He dropped his head to the steering wheel and exhaled a groan of embarrassment. Spencer leaned over to stroke Luke’s curls, “Please don’t hide from me. Tell me what’s going on in that mind of yours.”

Luke smiled, it was usually him wondering what Spencer’s brain was processing. “I, um, have never been with a man, Spencer. Which, I take you know?” Spencer nodded and pursed his lips. Luke continued, “Are you going to leave me if I, can’t, if I’m not ready? Spencer, I don’t want to be bad at this.”

Spencer understood, completely. He always had the facts and research to back up his endeavors, but with Luke, things came easier, born of instinct. The idea that he wouldn’t be adequate hadn’t even crossed Spencer’s mind, because it was something they would be figuring out together. “You won’t be bad, baby. You’ll be new at it. This isn’t a test, its a way for us to become closer in every sense of the phrase.” Spencer’s mouth quirked mischievously. “We don’t have to figure anything out tonight. Just know that I would love to wake up next to you, if you want to spend the night.”

Luke nodded, sighing as his body released the tension that had been building. He wasn’t ready for all night love making, but perhaps spending the night would be a good starting point for their intimacy. Luke drove home to check on Roxie and grab some essentials.

“Are you sure about this?” Spencer asked quietly.

Luke nodded. “I’ve wanted you for so long, Spence. Are you? I don’t want to confuse your mom.” He entwined his hand in his boyfriend’s, gently kissing it.

Spencer shook his head and stroked Luke’s hand with his thumb. “Mom will be fine. Let’s get to bed already.” They kissed softly in the late night air as the vehicle’s engine roared to life. They had found each other in the hopelessness; together saving themselves.

@imagicana @gubl-oser

#Criminal Minds #spencer reid #luke alvez #spencer x luke #ralvez #reidvez #reilvez #reid x alvez #beautiful boys #cm fanfiction #request #stu #new ship for my masterlist #new love #we're all queer here #ralvez week

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