#next to the reality of what it did to the people buffy cares so much about

[theajaheira]

i do actually think the fact that buffy and angel supremely fucked over giles and jenny is such an interesting and painful thing that happened especially because i really don’t think either buffy or angel recognize the gravity of how much damage this did to giles in particular. buffy i think is understandable because a lot of the time i feel like she either doesn’t quite Get that giles is a person with an interior life rather than an adult there to support her OR she gets it on a really big level and shies away from it due to her loving him and hating how isolated and miserable he is, but angel is kinda just like.....square up, sir

[we-pay-for-everything]

So I know you’re not the biggest fan of Angel’s appearance in End of Days/Chosen but I’m curious to know your thoughts on whether you think that interaction was disrespectful to Cordelia?

I don’t really understand why Cangel shippers get so bent out of shape when Angel and Cordelia were never in a relationship at any point in time. They want Angel to tell Buffy about his feelings for Cordelia when Angel had never even sat down with Cordelia herself and discussed his supposed feelings with her. They act like Angel cheated on Cordelia by kissing Buffy (who he had an actual romantic relationship with that spanned years and who he will always love) and acting jealous about Spike (as he has always done with any of Buffy’s romantic entanglements, in addition to just being told that Spike has a soul - also Angel is a jealous and petty person even when it comes to Cordelia, this is nothing new nor is it a regression like many of them like to claim (see Groo in S3 and all of s4)).

They also act like Buffy and Angel were talking about getting back together tomorrow and professing their eternal love for each other, when in reality, it wasn’t that serious. It was a simple conversation about Buffy’s future where Angel asks her if she has anyone in mind and Buffy acknowledges that although she’s not ready and won’t be for a long time, she sometimes does envision a possible future with him. Like, It’s true that Buffy and Angel had moved on from their relationship at this point in the series and were able to live separate lives and not pine after each other anymore, but they never got over each other because they didn’t break up due to a lack of love….they couldn’t be together because of external forces. There will never be closure for that relationship for either of them - they will always wonder about the “what if” and you can see how they pick up where they left off every time they reunite - that’s how I see this interaction: two people who love each other, picking up where they left off and wondering about a possible future. Angel had absolutely no obligation to Cordelia here (or anywhere else tbh) and just because he had feelings for her, doesn’t mean he didn’t still love Buffy - he’ll never not love Buffy…..It’s not that hard to understand.

Sorry this is so long but I am frustrated and needed to put it into words and I always love reading your thoughts on these things lol

Don't apologize for venting to me! You must know how long-winded I am, haha. Thank you for coming to me with your opinion and for valuing my input! You can always share your thoughts with me :)

I agree with you in general. Angel acting jealous and petty, especially about Spike, means very little, and he had no reason to disclose his feelings for Cordelia or what had happened to her. Maybe Buffy would've liked to know her friend was in a coma, but did she really need more bad news? Angel himself had been through so much that he must've wanted to put it all behind him for a second.

I don't believe Angel acted out of character at all regarding Cordelia. If anything, it was him acting so relaxed and carefree after losing his son again that felt weird. Still, he must've been happy and relieved that Connor was well and with a nice family, and that feeling would've triumphed over all others. Mostly, I believe Joss Whedon couldn't care less about AtS, so being truthful to Angel's characterization was not a priority for him. It was all about Bangel.

As for Cordelia, Angel's romantic feelings for her ended the moment he realized Cordelia wasn't Cordelia and the moment he had to kill his own son to stop him from blowing himself and other innocent people up. I see seasons 3 and 4 Angel as someone living a fantasy. He had a son, so the next step was finding a partner, and Cordelia was the perfect candidate for the job. She was already a good friend and Fred and Lorne were shipping them together. He held on to Cordelia so tightly in season 4 because everything else had already been taken from him - his son, Wesley, the peace and happiness he'd build for himself. Cordelia was all he had left of that dream - that dream in which he had a son, a woman, friends. But that fantasy couldn't hold for long, especially when he realized he'd been fighting for a woman who wasn't herself anymore and that he'd been fighting his own son for her. Angel couldn't hold on to the fantasy any longer, as it was destroying both him and his son, so he tried to create a new one for Connor. He gave him a nice family, a future, safety. He did something similar for his friends. But all Angel was left with was the truth. He could no longer deceive himself after doing it to those he loved.

In the end, his feelings for Cordelia were weak at best. She was beautiful so there was some attraction, but not a whole lot. And she was a great woman in his eyes so he admired her and wished he could be with someone like her. He wanted a life with her more than he wanted her. When Angel met Buffy, he already knew this. The truth would've been especially obvious in the face of someone he loved against all reason, someone he could have no future with because he loved her too much. His future with Cordelia hinged on the fact that it would never be perfect. He would never be perfectly happy with Cordelia, because she wasn't who he really wanted.

I didn't like Angel and Buffy talking about getting back together, or Angel being the one to ask Buffy if she saw a future with him - like I said, Whedon didn't care about Angel's characterization, though you can interpret Angel's behavior as him putting on an act for himself and Buffy, to give them both some hope. Whichever the case, I don't believe there were any real feelings for Cordelia to talk to Buffy about, and he'd already had time to say goodbye to Cordelia. Also, Buffy was the one who kissed him, and, in the moment, he was taken in by her, no other thoughts allowed. That's what usually happened when Buffy and Angel reunited - their feelings for each other would overwhelm them and they'd forget their rocky past and let go of their worries.

Thanks for the ask! I hope my answer was helpful in some way! Let me know!!

[yunkiwii]

tattoos together | college au

Pairing: FWB!Seonghwa x Fem!Reader

Genre: Fluff დ

Warnings: slightly suggestive, drinking, language

Word Count: ~3k

Requested: no, but you can see how to do so here if you’d like!

A/N: I recommend listening to tattoos together by lauv, since this is based on that song. ♡

Summary: (y/n) met Seonghwa in college and they quickly became close, ending up as friends with benefits. On a night out with some friends both of them ended up drinking a bit to much and well, I think we all know where this is going.

⇘

“Whereee shouuuuld weee go next?” (y/n) asked, loudly, as she grabbed Seonghwa’s arm so she wouldn’t fall, being tipsy from all the wine she had been drinking with her friends at dinner.

“You should probably head back home before you hurt yourself or someone else.”

“Don’t be a mood killer, sweetie!” (y/n) groaned back to Mia, pointing a finger to her way too sober roommate and best friend. "We still have a long long night ahead of us!" (y/n) stumbles making Seonghwa hold her closer to him.

Seonghwa wasn't nearly as drunk as (y/n), just tipsy enough to go on board with her crazy plans without thinking twice.

"So, let’s go find a party to crash!" the boy started walking away from his friends dragging a smiley faced (y/n) with him, both clearly more intoxicated than the rest of the group.

They hadn’t gone far, mainly because of how slow their feet were moving, when Hongjoong intervened.“Guys! Wait up!” they stumbled on their own feet when turning around to look at their friend. Their two friends were already approaching them. “Do you guys really think it is a good idea to just wander around like that?”

“YES!” both stated firmly at the same time before bursting into laughter.

“Well, I’m not in the mood and since you’re both adults you can take good care of yourselves.” Mia shrugged her shoulders and was about to leave when she remembered something else, “Please be quiet when you get home, and be safe.” She threw a warning look at Seonghwa when saying the last words. She knew how crazy her best friend could get with a couple of drinks and a party, and Seonghwa had a strong effect upon (y/n) that Mia never understood, and she only hoped he would use it for (y/n)’s sake.

“I’ll take you home, Mia. See you tomorrow guys.” Hongjoong did a little run to catch up to the girl. The other two friends bursted into laughter again when they saw Hongjoong place an arm around Mia’s shoulder.

“Now we know why they wanted to go home so badly…”

“Oh Seonghwa, they’re not like us. They will probably just cuddle for now. Let’s go!” (y/n) grabbed the boy’s hand and started her demand to find a party again.

“What do you mean they’re not likes us? We also cuddle!” (y/n) giggled at how offended Seonghwa sounded.

“Hm you know, they want a real relationship, we’re just friends having fun. Besides, our cuddles are never just cuddling.” She said it like it wasn’t a big deal and didn’t really think much of it. Seonghwa on the other hand got hurt, he didn’t quite understand why though. They agreed from the very start that this was a casual friends with benefits kind of thing, nothing more.

He shook these thoughts out of his head, thinking perhaps it was just the alcohol speaking.

In the meantime (y/n) uploaded a story of them on Instagram asking if there were any parties they could crash. That story led them to a new club that had opened recently, making (y/n) almost run there out of excitement. This was her first night out in two months, after being trapped between her room and the library to study for exams. Now she was finally free and wanted to live it to the fullest, Seonghwa not minding at all to join in.

Unfortunately, the excitement soon turns into disappointment. They get to the club, ID’s in hand, bodies already moving to the muffled beat leaving the building, but the security guard stops them from going any further. They look at each other and back at the big, buffy man, that blocked the entrance with his arm, with confused looks. They had already showed their ID’s, it didn’t make sense.

Then, the guard pointed at (y/n)’s clothes. She was wearing black shorts, fishnet tights, combat boots and the piece of clothing that seemed to be the problem, an oversized boyfriend style t-shirt.

“You can’t come in with boy’s clothes.” The big man stated, without an ounce of emotion in his voice.

“WHAT?” (y/n)’s posture changed completely; a defiant look marked all over her face, “That doesn’t make any sense! These aren’t boy’s clothes; these are MY CLOTHES! And even if they were boy’s clothes, we live in a free country, I can wear whatever I want!”

“Then go wear whatever you want somewhere else. You can’t come in like that, it’s the club’s policy.”

“Fuck the club’s policy! That’s so unethical what the hell?! I can’t believe people were recommending me this shit hole!” (y/n) screamed into the guard’s face, pointing fingers, waving arms and when she was finished, she spat on his shoes. Yes, she spat. Seonghwa grabbed her hand immediately pulling her out of there before they got into trouble, and ran away into nowhere, just wanting to get away.

“I’ll make sure to fill a complaint later.” Seonghwa stated after catching his breath from the unplanned cardio. “Also, I think this run sobered me.”

“I can’t believe that wearing oversized clothes is breaking club’s policy, what the hell?” (y/n) sat on the sidewalk still annoyed with the situation. “I’ve would’ve spat on his face if he weren’t to be that freaking huge.” Seonghwa laughed loudly sitting down next to her, making her laugh as well. “Thank you for pulling me out, he could probably smash me with one hand.”

“That’s what I’m here for (y/n), Mia delegated me the job when she decided to go home. But I got to say, you scare me sometimes.” He bumped his shoulder on hers lightly, making her look up at him smiling. “What should we do now? Go home?”

“I guess... the night is ruined anyway, and I also think the run sobered me.” (y/n) chuckled, leaning her head to rest on the boy’s shoulder. This simple gesture almost made Seonghwa forget how to breathe, starting to feel funny things in his stomach. He remained as still and quiet as possible, afraid that even the slightest movement would make her stand up and break the contact.

They stayed like that for a while, still recovering from the run. Until (y/n) noticed something right in front of them that made her stand up with a sudden movement, startling Seonghwa. She widened her eyes and looked down at her friend, as happy as a kid opening Christmas’ presents.

“What?”

“This night can still be memorable! I’m a genius!” she started crossing the road, stopping in the middle to look at her friend, still standing up from the sidewalk. “Come one! Hurry up!”

Seonghwa could not believe how a person could change their mood that fast. A few moments ago, she was pouty, annoyed, angry, and just wanted to go home. But now, she looks like a child and is ready for a new adventure as if nothing had happened before. He did love that about her. Love? Wait, no what? He liked her, liked, as a friend. He was sure of it. Or was he?

“How?”

“How what?”

“How are you going to make this night memorable?” that question made her smile even wider, grabbing his hand for what seemed to be the hundredth time that night, dragging him to a small shop with a neon light sign. As soon as Seonghwa realised what it was he stepped back.

“No, (y/n), no way you’re getting a tattoo here!” his face expression was shock, and nothing else.

“No, I am not. We are!”

“What do you even know about this place? Is it even hygienic?” Seonghwa glanced over the tattoo shop with disgust.

“I don’t know,” (y/n) shrugged her shoulders, “but we should get inside and find out.” She stepped in without a care in the world, a little bell rang when she opened the door.

Seonghwa walked behind her looking around, analysing every small detail searching for any red flags that would tell him to get the hell out of there. So far, everything seemed nice, it was organized, the store overall seemed clean, and the tattoo drafts hung upon the walls were actually aesthetically pleasing.

“This doesn’t look so bad… but what kind of tattoo shop is opened until this late at night?” The boy wasn’t yet convinced, and (y/n) knew it would take him a while, being as cautious as he is.

“Stop being so septic about everything, Hwa!”

“May I help you?” a voice coming from behind them made (y/n) jump. A tall woman came out of the side door, probably leading to where the tattoos were made, and greeted them with a smile. “Sorry if I startled you, love.”

“Oh, hm, we want to get tattoos! Together!” Seonghwa glanced over at (y/n) wondering why she was being so weird and flustered all of a sudden, so lost looking at her that he didn’t even corrected the together part. But he went back to reality when the woman spoke again.

“So, you want matching tattoos?”

“NO! We don’t, I don’t, I haven’t agreed to this yet! (y/n), a word please?”

“We’ll be right back!” (y/n) said all smiley to the woman, who smiled back at her while she was basically being dragged to the outside again. “What the hell Hwa? You could’ve been nicer back there!”

“You are all heart eyed looking at that tattoo artist!”

“So what? … are you jealous Hwa?”, (y/n) smirked, tilting her head sweetly, pleased with how annoyed the boy looked about the situation.

“What? No! I don’t have any reason to be jealous, this,” he pointed between them,” this isn’t a relationship, so no, I’m not jealous. You wish. And don’t give me that look!”

“You look cute when you get nervous, Hwa.”

“Shut up, let’s just go home!” he said as he started to walk away, but (y/n) was stubborn and wouldn’t leave without a tattoo so she stood in front of him so he wouldn’t go any further.

“We haven’t gotten our tattoos yet. And I really want a tattoo on my thigh and I really want to do it with you!”, she pointed her index at him touching his chest slightly.

“Why though?”

“Because I don’t have any thigh tattoo yet, duh..”

“And you should get one, there’s plenty of space for it.” He smirked glancing at (y/n)’s thick thighs, getting a soft punch on his shoulder as a response. “But why with me? Do I really have to make one too?”

“Yes! I really want us to have something ours, I have one with Mia as well and you’re my only other best friend and I don’t want to lose you.”

“And how will a tattoo help you with that, huh?” he crossed his arms looking down at (y/n) with furrowed eyebrows.

“When I get mad at Mia for some reason and I want to hate her, I look at the tattoo we made together and it just brings back all the good stuff and I know everything will be okay, because at the end of the day we still love each other and that won’t change over a stupid fight.” The girl gets embarrassed as soon as she realises that she just shared something that until now was only hers, making her look down at her feet. “You probably think it’s silly and that’s okay, we won’t do it if you don’t want to.” Voice quieter than before, barely audible but Seonghwa heard her just fine.

“Okay, let’s get thigh tattoos. Together.”

(y/n)’s eyes widened at the statement, and the looks of happiness and excitement of before came back to life again, making Seonghwa laugh at how adorable his friend looked.

“Really? Thank you so much Hwa!!!” she hugged his torso so tightly that he almost went out of breath.

“I have one condition though. To make it more fun, you know?” (y/n) nodded, indicating him to proceed, “I pick a design for you and you one for me, and we can only see it after it is already tattooed on our skin. What do you say?”

“Uhhh that does sound like fun! But don’t make it too big nor too dark, please!” he nodded in agreement and they went back inside to pick the said designs.

They shared their idea with the tattoo artist, who got really excited about it and took them, one at the time, into the other room to discuss their ideas and bring them to life. (y/n) picked a woman’s body silhouette, besides looking really cool it just made sense since their friendship started as something more physical than emotional. Seonghwa on the other hand chose a minimalist alien, it reminded him of when they first met and (y/n) couldn’t pronounce his name correctly and would just call him alien face, he also asked the tattoo artist to make it face her so she wouldn’t have to look into a mirror to see it properly.

(y/n) went in first to get her right thigh tattooed, so excited that she didn’t bother to take off her clothes, simply ripping her tights in the spot she wanted the tattoo.

“Hm ok, that was hot!” Seonghwa said softly, trying to control himself avoiding looking at (y/n)’s now more exposed thigh.

“Keep it in your pants, Mr. Park.” (y/n) laughed as she laid down to finally get the tattoo her dear friend picked, getting more and more anxious as the moment approached while Luna got her supplies ready. Seonghwa then pulled a chair to sit next to her and keep her distracted so she wouldn’t try to peak.

After a while, (y/n) stopped feeling the needle puncturing her skin and looked up at Luna, eyes wondering if it was already done. The other woman nodded, and she immediately stood up to see the result, a high pitch squeak leaving her lips as soon as she saw an alien facing her.

“Hwa!! I have your face on my thigh!!” her eyes wide, looking between her leg and her friend, a huge smile on her face and eyes almost tearing up at how happy she was. “I love it, I love it, I love it!” she wrapped her arms around the boy’s neck and gave him a kiss on his left cheek, squeezing him against her and holding him there for a few seconds before pulling away. “Now it’s your turn! Go, go!”

Seonghwa got up right away and started to take his pants off, making (y/n) look away.

“Please (y/n), as if you’ve never seen me naked!” he chuckled throwing his pants at her as soon as got them completely off, catching her off guard making her laugh.

They repeated the same process, now with (y/n) seated in the chair keeping Seonghwa distracted by making terrible puns and dad jokes. The needle puncturing his skin stang a bit but, just like (y/n), he already had a few tattoos, so he got used to it quickly. When Luna finished the second tattoo of this iconic duo, as she started to call them, Seonghwa couldn’t help but laugh at (y/n)’s choice.

“This will certainly remind me of you and make me hate you a little less if it comes to that.” He chuckled making (y/n) blush a bit without him noticing. “Thank you for talking me into this, it’s a memorable night for sure.” And kissed her cheek, not as roughly as she did to him, it was a soft kiss, his lips barely touching her skin, and yet it was enough to make her even more flustered, awakening funny feelings in her tummy.

After spending all that money on the tattoos, they decided it would be best for their bank accounts to walk home instead of getting an uber, making their way across town to (y/n) and Mia’s apartment in a slow pace, most of the way made in silence for they were too tired and sleepy, needing to channel all their remain energy towards their legs to be able to walk.

As they were approaching (y/n)’s building their pace slowed down, stopping right in front of the pathway, the girl already looking for the keys in her messy bag while walking towards the front door.

“See you tomorrow (y/n)” he says as they reach the door, (y/n) with the keys in hand already opening the door, and he places a kiss on her forehead not breaking the contact right away. (y/n) didn’t say anything until he was already halfway the pathway.

“Hwa, wait.”

“Huh?” the boy turned around, standing near the sidewalk.

“Why don’t you stay for the night?” she asked almost in a whisper, but Seonghwa heard it anyway and took a few steps closer to her.

“Oh (y/n), I would but I’m really tired and-”

“Just for cuddles, Hwa…” she tried to keep her eyes in his but the vulnerability her request showed made her instinctually look down at her feet.

“Just cuddles? Are you sure?” Seonghwa couldn’t hide his amusement, since (y/n) always made it clear that to her the benefits part of their friendship should be associated with sex at all times because, according to her, getting emotional and cuddle just for the sake of cuddling would turn this into a real and serious relationship, even though the boy tried to convince her otherwise multiple times.

“Shut up and get in before I change my mind.”

They went up to the apartment as quietly as possible, making their way to (y/n)’s bedroom right away and changing into more comfortable clothing, which to Seonghwa meant underwear and nothing more.

He laid on his back wrapping an arm around (y/n)’s shoulders as she laid her head onto his chest, embracing his torso and putting one leg over his. It was comfortable, warm, and felt safe, for both of them.

“This still doesn’t mean we’re in a relationship Hwa.” (y/n) groaned falling deeply into sleep.

“We could be though.” But (y/n) didn’t hear it.

♡MASTERLIST♡

net: @ateezlovenet

[inkandpen22]

Shared Minds and Shared Souls (2/?)

Pairing: Spike x Female!Reader

Warnings: Angst, swearing, fighting, mentions of violence

Word Count: ~2.6k

Part Summary: Y/N is starting to get used to her role in the Summers’ house and with the Scoobies in the days following her arrival in Sunnydale. Much to her surprise, she enjoys predictability of her new routine and the normalcy of it. That is until a troublesome figure in Sunnydale makes his acquaintance and knocks Y/N through an unforeseen loop.

Masterlist

Aunt Joyce being surprised to see me is an understatement. It took Buffy and I both pressing her back down on the hospital bed to keep her from leaping up. Then, she thanked me up and down for coming. Which lead to her insisting she’s fine. She’s been covering at the hospital the last few days, but now she’s finally home. Her surgery went well, thank God! With everything going on, Joyce needs to be well. I don’t think Buffy could take another blow and poor Dawnie needs her mom. I know what it’s like to lose a mother, not fun. It’s Buffy and I’s goal to keep life as normal as possible for Dawn. The routine is I drop Dawnie off at school while Buffy plays Slayer. Then, I come back here and take care of Joyce. From there, I pick up Dawnie and prep dinner. In truth, I’m liking the predictable schedule. It’s odd, I thought I’d hate it here. I’ve never been the sort for the mundane lifestyle, but I haven’t been around family in years and it’s nice. 

While I prepare lunch for Joyce, I listen to the rock station through the boombox they keep on the counter. The house has been rather quiet since Buffy and the other Scoobies have been out doing researching Glory. Giles’s Magic-Box shop is their headquarters. Well, here and there, sort of double at meeting spots. Whenever the house is this quiet, I have to have music or the tv playing in the background. Otherwise, everything gets all noisy. Sunnydale has so much pent up energy, both good and evil, that it messes with my head. All I hear are the voices in the silence, so many voices that it starts to sound like static. I have mentioned this Buffy, I wouldn’t want to stress her anymore. 

My peace is abruptly disturbed as the kitchen door swings open and someone flies in hiding under a blanket. I jump, dropping my knife on Joyce’s sandwich. Smoke radiates from the figure like they’re a walking fire pit. Tilting my head, I watch in awe as a bleached haired man struggles to shut the door, knocking around the blinds. Who the hell is he? He dramatically flails his arms around to get the blanket off with a huff. Instantly, I see the green aura glowing around him. His eyes meet mine with a tilt of the head like a confused puppy dog, granted I did it too. 

“Who in the bloody hell are you?” He curses sassily. 

His accent is enough information to tell me who he is, Spike. So, this is the pain in the ass, psychotic vampy who is tangled up in a love-hate relationship with my cousin. She’s all caught up on Riley, Mr. G.I. Joe, when she has this dude pining after her? Boy, Buffy needs my guidance in more than one department. 

“Good afternoon to you too, Spike,” I greet him by name, much to his surprise.

Cautiously, he moves into the kitchen as I continue about my business. “How do you know my name? Where’s Buffy?” He asks, peaking around the house for her. 

“Don’t worry,” I assure him calmly. “Army Barbie is with her team of misfit toys working on Glory stuff.” 

Before I have the chance to blink, Spike is across the room has me pinned against the fridge. His face scrunched and his fangs daunting. While gripping my neck until I can hardly breathe, he leans forward and presses his body to mine to keep in place. I struggle in his grip, clawing as his hands. “You’re Glory, aren’t you?! Hm?! Messing with me?! What did you do to Buffy?!” He shouts. 

“Spike,” I choke. “You have to-” I gasp for air as he squeezes tighter. 

As a psychic, every time I have skin to skin contact with someone I can enter their mind and memories. It’s like watching a montage of someone’s entire existence. The recipient relives the memories too at the same pace as me. This allows them to kick me out if they so wish, all they have to do is realize what’s going on. However, like being in a dream, it’s rare that they do. I have little control when it comes to entering, it’s like falling. If I wish to leave, it takes a kick, like waking up from a dream. I have to be terrified by a memory or experience immense pain, those are the usual triggers. 

The moment Spike touched me, he opened the gate for me to see, feel, and hear everything he ever has in the form of visions. I can feel my mind slipping and images begin to flash before my eyes like bursts of light. Then, my vision goes black... 

A woman in 19th century clothing stands before with big eyes and brown hair. She’s so beautiful.... Suddenly, a pain pierces my neck.

Next thing I know, I’m sat on an old blood soaked sofa with a dead woman in my lap, bleeding from the neck. I feel hungry for more. 

“My wicked, wicked, Willy,” Dru purrs, peering up at me from her position on the floor with longing eyes. I shove the body off of me and crawl to her. God, I love her. 

I jump through time, landing in the middle of a fight with a young Chinese woman who I recognize as the Slayer. I manage to grab her and bite her viciously. She mutters something in Chinese to me. 

“Sorry Love, I don’t speak Chinese,” I state, tossing her to the side. 

Then, on a subway trained with a later slayer. I’m on top of her, gripping her neck as I twist it, killing her. For good measure, I steal her leather coat. I’m quite fond of it. 

I hover over the most recent Slayer, and perhaps the most annoying one, Buffy Summers. I raise the plank of wood in my hands to kill her. Suddenly, I’m hit over the head and fall to the floor. 

With a jolt, I’m back in the present moment. “Jesus and Mary!” I yelp, the back of my head throbbing. What the hell did Joyce wack me with? Or should I say Spike. 

The vampire stands before me wide-eyed, confused by what just happened. Having had enough reminiscing, I press my hands around his that grip my neck and send a powerful shock, causing him to drop me to the floor. I cough as I catch my breath. God, I can see why Buffy doesn’t like him! Spike recovers quickly and picks me up by my hair. I scream at the surge of pain and dig my nails in his hands. Soon, I’m against the wall and I bump my head. 

“Where are they?!” He barks in my face. “Tell me or I’ll kill you!” 

“If I were Glory and I had taken Buffy, how would killing me help you find her?” I question his logic amongst the fighting. For being over a hundred years old, he’s not exactly wise. 

Spike growls, not finding humor in my mockery. I’m not exactly threatened by the big-bad-bleach-crazy ole chap with the winkley-vampy face. I could have him on his undead ass in two seconds if I wanted. 

“Spike!” Joyce’s voice interrupts our altercation. Both of us turn our attention to the archway to see my aunt standing there in horror. She wraps her robe around herself tightly. “Let Y/N down! She’s my niece!” 

“Oh bollocks!” Spike swears, releasing me instantly. 

I fall to the floor on my knees again. Well, this fun- what’s wrong with people in this town?! 

“I… uh…” Spike stumbles over his words as he helps me up by the bicep. He brushes down my shirt and hair nervously. “Sorry about that. I thought-” 

“You thought I was Glory,” I finish for him, slapping his hands off of me. 

“Are you okay, Y/N?!” Joyce checks worriedly, staying cautiously in the archway between here and the living room. 

I hum, reaching up and running my fingers through the back of my head for any bumps or bleeding. Whatever she hit Spike with it fucking hurt! 

“Did I hurt you?” Spike asks, sounding genuinely concerned. 

“Not really,” I admit quietly and look to my aunt who’s the real reason my head is pounding. “If you ever hearing banging like that, never come downstairs! You hide!” I command of her. “Even if it did sound like I was getting murdered,” I grumble, glaring at Spike. 

“Well, as long as you’re alright. I’ll head back up,” she complies quietly. “But only if you’re sure!” She checks. 

“I’m fine, really!” I try to ease her nerves. It’s not good for her to worry. I shove Spike out of the way to approach her. “I’ll bring your food up soon. I might have to remake it,” I tell her as I spot her sandwich on the floor behind Spike. 

“You don’t have to do that,” she insists. 

“It’s okay! If you can wait one moment, I’ll just use some magic,” I announce, holding out my hand toward the counter. I conjure up a turkey sandwich just like I created before. I could’ve whipped one up this way earlier, but I was enjoying the task. “There you go!” I hand the plate over to my aunt. 

Spike blinks rapidly, stepping forward to stand beside my aunt. He stares at me in astonishment, “you’re a witch?!” 

“No, that shock you felt earlier was all in your head,” I sass, looking at him like an idiot. 

“You didn’t tell me there were witches in your family,” he says to Joyce, sounding offended. 

“We didn’t know ourselves until Y/N arrived a few days ago. She’s here to help out until I’m all better and… well…” Joyce shifts on her feet uncomfortably. “That Glory girl is gone.”

On that note, Joyce thanks me one last time and heads back upstairs. I relax once I hear her shuffling upstairs in her room. Taking a scan around the kitchen, there are broken plates and food scattered across the floor. I was so far into Spike’s head that I missed the reality and all the ruckus. Of course, I felt his hands around my neck, but my vision was impaired with his memories. 

“Let me clean up,” Spike requests, already squatting to pick up the bits of broken porcelain on the tile. 

“No need,” I state with a flick of the wrist. Within seconds, all the broken plates and scattered food is gone. The boombox that we’d knocked on the floor and caused to skip is now all fixed neatly on the counter. Soon, Nirvana is coming out of it without a problem. 

Spike rises from his position quietly starring at the perfectly spotless kitchen. I move around him toward the living room, already thinking of the next item on my agenda. I still have a few loads of laundry to go through and there’s cleaning that needs to be done. If I set those going with some magic before I head out everything will be done before Buffy’s birthday party tonight. Except, one issue, in this town, I don’t feel comfortable dividing up my power in case of an emergency. I could be attacked on the way to Dawnie’s school with the track record of this town. Plus, I’m Joyce’s sole bodyguard during the day, I need all my energy. 

“Hey wait,” Spike calls as he jogs to block my path. He holds up his hands as if that’s going to keeping me from walking away.

 With raised brows, I wait for the important reason he must have to be interrupting my to-do list. 

Wait... ew, I hate that! I have a to-do list! What am I, a 1950’s housewife? 

“Are you honestly Buffy and Dawn’s cousin?” He asks, still not convinced that it’s possible for the Summers’ to have family other than each other. 

“No,” I answer calmly, causing him to perk up. “I’m really Dolly Parton in a disguise!” He rolls his eyes, muttering curses under his breath. “You know, the rumor is the blonde hair is a wig,” I ramble to add more spice to the sarcasm. “And she just walks around Tennessee without anyone noticing her!” 

“Yep, you’re definitely related,” he determines unenthused, stepping aside. 

“I’m glad I’ve convinced you. Now if you don’t mind, I have stuff I need to do!” I step around him to head out and pick up Dawn. 

“I’m coming too,” he declares, following on my heels. 

I snicker, stopping in my tracks. “You’re coming with me to pick up Dawn from school? In the daylight... ” I add. 

“Yeah uh… just meet me at the crypt,” he decides, already heading back to the kitchen. 

“Wait, what?” I blurt out as I grab his wrist. “Why would I do that?” 

He glances over his shoulder, “I came to show Buffy something, but you’ll do I guess.” 

“I’m not Buffy though, I’m no Slayer,” I laugh lightly. “If it’s important I’d show it to her.” 

“You’re a witch, aren’t you?” He asks the obvious. 

“Well yeah,” I shrug. 

“Can you fight?” He continues, clearly leading somewhere. 

I stutter, “I mean I know spells and-” 

“Then you’ll do,” he declares. “We can tell Buffy about it later,” he adds, walking away. 

Buffy is made for this, literally! Unsure of myself, I shake my head. “Spike, I-” 

The vampire rolls his head back with a huff of annoyance. “All you God-forsaken women!” He groans under his breath. “I swear, one of these days I’m just going to lose my patience and kill all of you,” he sasses, facing me. “Except Joyce... and maybe Nibblet,” he determines as if that’s generous of him. “But definitely Harmony and that bloody annoying Cordelia if she ever comes back from LA!” He points at me sharply. “And you missy are testing me too!” 

Um, excuse him! He didn’t not just say that to me! “Oh buddy, you’re testing me!” I laugh mockingly. Little vampy here has another thing coming if he thinks he can threaten me. 

Spike chuckles wickedly and his face changes back to vampy style. He growls to reveal his fangs. I step back cautiously. I didn’t mean for him to take me literally! Abruptly, he comes charging at me. Oh great, not again!

_____________________________________________

Masterlist

Tags: @it-was-all-a-beautiful-dream 

[scenarioslovers]

One last time | Jimin

Requested by anon

“Isn’t that Jimin?” Your head snapped behind you at your friend announcement, as your heart beats started to raise. It only stopped so suddenly and so painfully when you noticed the girl who was linking her arms with his. “Who’s she?”

You looked away as quickly as you did before. Your hands were shaking, and your mind was clouded with screaming emotions. Reaching for the glass of water in front of you, you gulped it whole, ignoring your friend who has been giving you questioning looks.

You knew about this. You heard about it. But witnessing it with your own eyes was way more painful than imagining it. Something was wrapped around your heart and tightening slowly around it, that your heart was bleeding inside out.

“Is he moving on already?” Your friend commented in a sarcastic tone that drove you crazy.

You stood up suddenly, but your feet froze in its place, pinned to the floor beneath you. You wanted to run towards him, snap at him for forgetting you so easily, for getting a new girlfriend when you did not get over him yet, for loving someone when you couldn’t stop loving him. However, the reality hit you harder with the fact that you had no right to do so.

You were the one who broke up with him. You were not together anymore, and he could date whatever he wanted.

“Y/N, are you okay?” Your friend looked at you with concerned eyes. She looked worried and scared at the same time. The way she looked at you could only be interpreted as one thing. She pitted you. She feared that you would break down at any moment and any second.

“I-I am.” You looked around you as if you were looking for something you lost. Except for the one thing you lost is right in front of you, but you could not reach for it. “I am okay. I will just go to the bathroom.” You excused yourself and hurried to an escape.

That was a thing you hated at parties. You just met people you did not want to see again. Like your ex-boyfriend who you knew would be invited, but never had you ever thought he would come along with another girl.

Losing your balance, you leaned on the nearest wall. You breathed in and out slowly, trying to control your still shaking body. You thought that if you saw Jimin again you would be okay. You would be fine, and you would greet him like old friends greeting each other.

“Are you okay?” A soft feminine voice asked you.

“I am fine, thank you.” You gave a small smile as you looked up. Your heart stopped for a second. You had to look around to see if she was alone or he followed her. He was there, a few steps away, trying so hard to not look at your direction.

Now that you are looking closely at Jimin’s new girlfriend, she was so beautiful that insecurity hit you hard. She had a small heart-shaped face, her hair was long it reached her elbow and her cheeks were as red as cherries. Her lips are puffy and full, and her nose is thin and pointed. You had never seen someone so beautiful closely before.

She brushed a falling strand of hair behind her ears, before reaching out for you. “Are you sure you are okay? You don’t need to go to the hospital?”

“N-no. I-I am good.” You hated how you stuttered in front of her and hated the fact that Jimin was there, but he no longer concerned about you, to check if you were okay. You hated that you anticipated for his care. “I just drank a little bit. I will be good once I wash my face.”

“Please, let me help you.”

You cursed in your mind. How could someone be so kind and beautiful? You wanted her to leave as soon as possible. Why wouldn’t she just leave you alone?

You could not do anything but let her help you. Shame and embarrassment heated you up that you felt your cheeks burning. He was probably watching you and wonder about your thoughts. Or could it be you just hoped that he would be at least curious about you?

You gave her a small smile as you made your way to one of the stalls. You heard the water running and assumed that she was fixing her make up. You did not want to use the bathroom. You just wanted to calm yourself down.

Watching Jimin with someone else made your stomach squeeze and your heart ached to the pointed you felt lightheaded. You always thought that your relationship with Jimin was a fairy tale. Something that would end up with a happy ending.

You met him last summer when your friends asked you to join them on the beach trip. He was there with them shinning under the sunshine. He had a shy smile that whenever his eyes fell on yours his eyes would disappear in his pink cheeks. Your stomach would always flip whenever he did that.

Since you never met him before and you only had common friends, it was hard to start to talk to him. It would be awkward when you help in disturbing drinks and give him his cans while looking at your hands and never his eyes. He always stayed with his friends that you thought he was not actually interested in you. Maybe it was all in your mind. All those tensions and stolen glances and skin touch by mistakes.

It was a truth or dare game that made him talk to you for the first time. When the bottle stopped spinning and pointed at you and Jimin.

It was you who should ask the question. “I-I don’t have a question. Pass.” At that moment you cursed yourself so badly. You had too many questions but would not dare ask any. You felt the pressure of talking to him and making eye contact. Butterflies filled your stomach and your heart will not stop beating. You were scared that the girl next to you could hear it.    

“I will ask the question then.” Jimin suddenly said and you met his eyes. And regret it right away because his eyes were so beautiful. They filled with stars and twinkled under the moonlight that your heart was doing a backflip.

“Y-yeah, sure.” You said finally when you realized he was waiting for your response.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Everyone roared and cheered as if this was the highlight of the night. Your cheeks became hot as you shook your head.

Trying so hard not to grin in victory, you managed to lock eyes with him again. “No, I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Would like to have a drink with me somewhere else?” Jimin asked again, forgetting he is supposed to ask only one question. And no one seemed to mind at all. No one wanted to spoil the moment of a possible future couple in making.

“Yeah, sure. Why not?” You smiled this time as Jimin stretched out his hand for you.

Talking his hand, he helped you on your feet as you both walked away from the group and went to the hotel bar for a few drinks. After that night you simply fall more deeply in love. Especially that he kept asking to meet you even after the trip was over and you went back to your normal life.

A summer fling turned into a real pure feeling of love that you moved in with him after 8 months of dating. That was when it all started to fall apart.

You both became too busy with your lives that feeling together made you feel more neglected each day. He was getting used to you being around and the same went for you. He went home super late from practice while you wake up super early for work. It felt more like living with a roommate and not a boyfriend. You found yourself not caring about how you looked around him anymore. And he became so relaxed around you that he treated you like a brother.

No more dates. Little kisses and everything did not feel the same.

“Jimin, are you happy with me?” You asked, one day after crying for hours. You loved Jimin. You loved him way too much, but you also missed him. You no longer felt him, and you slowly became so lonely.

“Of course, I am happy with you.” He said softly as he reached for your hand. He could see your buffy red eyes and a red nose.  

“I don’t think we can do this anymore.” You sniffed as you looked into his eyes that you loved the most. “Even though we live together, I barely see you. We even no longer fight over silly things. I don’t think we should do this anymore.”

Jimin sighed as he nodded. He did not want to see hurt anymore. You fought a lot and he promised to try and get things back to normal. However, nothing changed. He understood your frustration because he could feel it too. Things were getting out of his hands.

“I just want you to know that I love you and that I will always love you,” Jimin said as he leaned in and touched his lips to yours.

“I love you too, Jimin. So much.”

Both did not want this; however, you knew that it was what you had to do. Because sometimes, love was not enough for two people to stay together.

~~

You waited until you no longer heard the water running and the door swings open and then closes again. Jimin’s beautiful girlfriend finally left. You opened the stall’s door slowly as you went for the sink.

Looking at yourself in the mirror, you looked exhausted and shocked. The memory of Jimin as your boyfriend still hunted your heart. You could not believe that someone would easily forget about someone they loved.

He was moving on while you still hung into the memory of you both being together and hoping that you would somehow get back together again. Now it felt like Jimin was shutting you out of his life. As if he was telling you that he was done waiting for you. He was done with you.

A tear dropped over your cheeks. Frustrated, you slapped yourself with water. You had to get yourself together and accept the fact that you lost someone so important in your life.

After wiping your face with a tissue, you walked out of the bathroom only to find him in front of you.

He was leaning his back on a wall, one leg bent to the wall, his arms wrapped in front of his chest and his eyes. God, you loved those eyes. He was looking at you so intensely that you wanted to turn around and run away before you threw yourself on him and tell him how much you missed him.

“Are you drunk?” His voice was calm and gentle. He pushed himself from the wall and walked over to you. Sniffing the air around you, he was getting so close that your breath hitched in your chest. For a second you forgot how to use your lungs. He raised an eyebrow. “I don’t smell any alcohol.”

“I am not drunk.” You said, pushing him away from you gently. “I only drink water now.”

“Only water? Are you sick?” His eyes grew wide in concern and you hated so much that he still cared about you.

“I am fine. I just…” You remembered that one time when you got drunk and almost got in trouble. It was Jimin who saved you. If he was late, you would be in grave danger. Since you no longer had him around, you decided to stop drinking. “You know how I always get in trouble when I drink.”

“Oh, yeah I do.” He sighed in relief. “I am glad you decided not to drink anymore.”

You just gave him a small sad smile and looked at your feet.

“How are you?” Jimin asked and you could not hold your tears anymore.

“I miss you.” You looked at him with teary eyes. You walked toward him decreasing the distance between you two. You were just a few inches away from kissing him, you looked into the eyes you loved the most. “I miss you so much that I cannot breathe anymore.”

When Jimin took a step backward, your eyes widened. At this moment, you realized what you had done. Your heart broke into million pieces along with it. Jimin was already moving on, has a new girlfriend. You thought since he was concerned about you, he had the same feelings as you. You thought wrong.

He was taken back as if it was a mistake to talk to you in the first place.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry.” You said upon your realization. “How could I be this stupid? Jimin forgives me.”

“Y/N… I--”

“No no, it’s fine. How stupid of me. I thought…” You interrupted him “I… I thought that maybe I got one last chance to be with you again. How stupid of me, you already have a beautiful girlfriend, who is kind and nice and I am probably the bad guy now. I am so sorry.”

You turned around to leave, but a hand stopped you and pulled you back. You spun and crashed into his chest. One arm wrapped strongly around your waist, holding you closer to his body as the other hand tipped your chin up allowing him to capture your lips into a deep kiss that left you breathless. His lips were so soft against yours. You missed so much how he tasted and how he felt. At that moment, you felt like if the world ended now, you wouldn’t mind because you were in the arms of the man you loved.

“What are you doing?” You whispered breathlessly.

Jimin leaned his forehead on yours. Your noses touched and you could feel his hot breath against your cold skin.

“Jimin…” Jimin muffled his name with his lips as he kissed you again. This time, you allowed him to search into your mouth cavity, deepening the kiss more and more. You knew what you were doing is wrong, but you would not mind if it meant to be the last time. Just one last time. You wanted to feel like you were everything to him.  

“I miss you too,” Jimin said breathlessly as he touched your cheeks with his hands.

“But you move on.” You said in a small voice, feeling the impossibility of being together. “You have a girlfriend now. You choose to forget about me.” A small sob raised in your throat. “You said that you will love me forever.”

“I was wrong.” He shook his head. “I thought if I come here to the party and showed you that I really moved on, you would move on too. I just want you to be happy. I wanted you to forget about me and live your own life.”

“I am happy when I am with you.” You looked at his eyes. “I know both of us are busy. Both of us have a conflicting schedule. But we can make this work, right?”

“I don’t know.” Jimin shook his head and took a step backward. The absence of his body heat left you cold that chills ran down your spin. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“Jimin, please don’t do this to me.” You begged him, shaking your head vigorously refusing to accept the harsh reality.

“I am doing this for your own sake.” Hurt flashed across his eyes. “I don’t want to be the reason for your tears. If we are not together, we will not be hurt and will not cry.”

“I am crying now.” You sobbed, shaking his head. “You can’t just leave me and say it’s for my sake. You just gave me hope. You kissed me. I love you, Jimin.”

“It’s really for the best. Live your life, Y/N. Find someone who can make you happy. I don’t think I can give you happiness.”

Jimin turned around and started to walk away. You called after him, he stopped for a second but did not turn around. You dropped to the ground and start crying your heart out. When you broke up, you did not cry that day. There was a mutual understanding that your relationship needed a break from each other.

However, now as you really losing him, your heart squeezed into your chest so painfully you thought you would not survive the night. However, you survived with pain eating you and the memory of his last touch and last memory.

[hils79]

Fic Tag Game

I saw this on @kholran’s tumblr, liked it to fill in later and then promptly forgot. Don’t check Tumblr as soon as you wake up, fam. You will forget what you did an hour later. Anyway, this looks fun and now that I’m actually writing regularly again I thought I’d give this a go. 

Name: Hils

I am an ancient internet crone who, when I set up a Livejournal back in 2001, decided to just use a version of my actual name. I’m some version of Hils most places.

Fandoms: Since this is specifically about fic, I’m going to limit it to fandoms I’ve written in. Because otherwise we’d be here all night. I’m also not going to include fandoms where I only wrote one fic on a whim. All of the below are fandoms where I’ve written two fics or more. 

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: This was my first experience with online fandom and still the longest and most prolific time I’ve spent in any fandom I think. My ship of choice was Buffy/Spike. I’ll be honest, when it became canon on the show I kind of lost interest. Be careful what you wish for :D

Pirates of the Caribbean: Yeah, I have a think for enemies to lovers. Jack/Norrington was my ship of choice here. This was also my first m/m OTP. 

Lord of the Rings RPF: This was my first RPF fandom (I know it's not for everyone don't judge me) and my pairing of choice was Sean Bean/Viggo Mortensen. It was a pretty small pairing even in terms of LOTRRPF but I had a lot of fun. 

Smallville: I started shipping Clark and Lex from pretty much the first episode. Which was funny because I’ve been a Superman fan since I was a little kid and never expected to end up here. This was another big fandom for me where I wrote a lot. It’s second after Buffy for number of fics I’ve posted. 

Merlin: This was another one where I started shipping Merlin/Arthur from pretty much the beginning. It’s funny that, as a Brit, this is the only British fandom I’ve ever been in. 

Supernatural: Another big one. I’d watched the show from pretty much the beginning but it wasn’t until Castiel arrived in season 4 that I started writing fic. This is my third biggest fandom in terms of number of fics published and it’s also responsible for my two longest fics

Marvel: I’m using this as a broad umbrella to cover a bunch of different MCU movies, the comics, and the Agents of SHIELD TV show. Pairings I have written are: Tony/Pepper, Tony/Steve, Steve/Bucky, Phil/Clint

The Man From UNCLE: I grew up watching repeats of the old 60s show which I adored, and then the movie came out and was also fantastic, so my fics cover both the movie universe and the TV universe. Mostly Napoleon/Ilya with some Napoleon/Gaby/Ilya thrown in

Check Please: My introduction to hockey and I’m ashamed to say I still haven’t read the end of it despite owning a hard copy of it. Jack/Bitty are so sweet but, again, I kind of lost interest once they actually got together in canon

Hockey RPF: Sort of a natural progression from Check Please really. All my hockey fic is locked and comment moderation is on but it’s there if you feel the need to look. Pairings I wrote were Sid/Geno, Gabe/Tyson and Phil Kessel/Carl Hagelin which was a nice little rare pairing to play with.

The Untamed: My introduction to cdramas. I’ve only posted a couple of fics because I find the fandom quite intimidating in terms of volume and quality.  Weirdly this is one of the few fandoms where the pairing being canonically together just inspired me to write instead of putting me off. This fandom got me writing again after a couple of years of barely posting anything at all. 

Guardian: I fell into this one HARD. I posted my first fic about a month after I finished the show and I still have ideas for more. This was kind of a turning point for me in getting me to write regularly again. 

DMBJ/The Lost Tomb: This is where I pretty much live at the moment. I don’t know what it is about these silly shows that inspires me so much but I love them and the characters dearly. This is one of the few fandoms where I’m just as happy writing gen as I am writing shippy stuff. I just love the Iron Triangle friendship so much. 

Tropes: Hurt/Comfort is the big one for me. Pretty much all my fics involve this trope in some sense. Other than that I think it depends on the characters and the fandom. 

Fic I spent most time on: Definitely  Misha Collins Makes A Match (yes it’s an RPF fic). I had to plot out a whole road trip route set in a country where I don’t live. 

Favorite fic(s) you’ve written: Ooh, that’s a tough one. I generally don’t read my fics after I’ve published them and once they’re out there I consider them Done and move on to thinking about the next one. 

And There's That Pesky Thing Called Reality - I had a lot of fun playing with the meta aspects of fandom. It’s dated quite badly now but if you want a taste of what fandom was like in 2010 this is it.

He's My Brother - I enjoyed exploring different characters’ points of view for this one and how they see Wei Wuxian at different points in the show

Fic I spent least time on: I think I wrote and posted  Love On Ice in one evening. 

Longest fic: Discounting things I’ve written with other people it’s  Misha Collins Makes A Match again

Shortest fic: According to AO3  Three Little Words which is a 200 word Buffy/Spike fic

Most hits/kudos/comments/bookmarks:

Hits:  The Truth About Cats, Dogs and Penguins which is a Sid/Geno hockey RPF fic

Kudos and Bookmarks:  Unleashed which is a Steve/Bucky AU where they meet in their local dog park

Comments: He's My Brother. The Untamed fandom might be a bit scary but they are also very kind

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: I’m already planning at least one addition to the Zhu Yilong/Chen Minghao series I wrote for this year’s Sundial Exchange

Share a bit of a WIP: I generally only have one WIP on the go at a time and I just write outlines for any other ideas I have. So, this is a bit of what I’m working on at the moment. This is not, despite the below snippet, a Zhu Yilong/Chen Minghao fic. 

“Do you want his number?” Chen Minghao asks with a grin. “You can ask him yourself. I’ll need to check with him first but I think he’ll be fine with it.”

Something drops in Zhu Yilong’s stomach. He’s a mature adult who has met plenty of famous actors during his time in the industry. But there’s something different about being introduced to someone you admire. He’s not going to let his shyness get in the way of this opportunity though, not when it could help with his current role.

“That would be great. If you’re sure it’s no trouble.”

Chen Minghao waves a dismissive hand. “Of course it’s no trouble. All I need to do is send a text.”

I tag: ALL of my writer friends. I want to know all about your projects. TELL ME.

[spaceskam]

small examples of mistakes i made and stupid things i did

for @saadiestuff ❤️️

ao3

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Literally, why would you say that? That’s what people say before the worst happens.”

Michael shrugged haphazardly as if none of it mattered. Which is quite on par with the way he was feeling lately. Liz’s tests were becoming more out of fun than necessity and he’d jumped right on board. He liked being the test subject to see what would happen and he was throwing caution to the wind. Two weeks prior, they’d discovered something similar to extra-strength alien speed which kept him up for over 24 hours and required a babysitter. Two weeks before that, they’d found alien sleeping meds.

“You’re getting so fucking reckless,” Liz said, not even trying to hide the giddy tone in her voice. 

Kyle stood in the corner with crossed arms and irritation on his face. They’d agreed about two months ago that they should always have another person with them when the dose was administered because they didn’t want a repeat of the time that she’d given him something that made him ridiculously angry. Bad times.

“Alright, hit me with it,” Michael urged, slapping his arm.

Liz cleaned the space with alcohol and tied a tourniquet around his arm before injecting the purplish serum. Then they waited. And waited. And waited.

“Are you even feeling anything?” Liz asked, frowning as she pressed the back of her hand to his forehead. He shook his head and she frowned a little deeper.

“Nothing.”

“That’s so weird,” she said. Kyle pushed himself off the wall and walked a little closer.

“What were you expecting it to do?” Kyle wondered. Liz traveled back to her notes and double-checked she’d given him the right thing.

“Well, it was only a tweaked version of the alien Adderal mix, so it should be closer to like an over the counter caffeine pill,” Liz said, her frown turning into a pout, “You seriously don’t feel anything?” 

“Nope,” Michael confirmed, but he wasn’t too concerned about anything. Sometimes it took a while for things to kick in. They’d just gotten too used to automatic results. “I’ll just give it some time and I’ll let you know what happens.”

“Okay,” she said. Michael pulled the tourniquet off and hopped down, feeling slightly woozy for a minute to the point that he had to grab the stool for balance. “What was that?”

“I don’t know,” he said, his eyebrows furrowing. Once he got himself stable, he didn’t feel any more effects. “I just got lightheaded for a second.”

“We should take his blood pressure,” Kyle said. Liz grimaced a little bit.

“We don’t actually know what normal would be,” she said softly. Kyle gave her that look that was typically directed at Michael and it was weird to see it given so freely to Liz. Maybe he was finally getting over her. A part of Michael was proud of him and that felt even weirder than that time he got doused with an anxiety eraser that removed all sense of inhibitions and he kissed Liz.

“Are you telling me you guys have spent almost six months doing dumb shit when you could’ve been tracking things like, I don’t know, blood pressure?” he demanded. They both smiled tightly. “I hate you both. Guerin, I’ll drive you home just in case it did lower your blood pressure and you get dizzy while driving, okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed after being hit with a wave of fatigue. He wasn’t really in the mood to disagree and that had everything to do with the impending lecture from Kyle, Max, and Alex if he got in a wreck when he knew he was dizzy. 

“Liz, I’ll make you a list of important stuff to work on after this is out of his system,” he explained. Liz pouted, but she nodded her head regardless.

They said their goodbyes and started making their way towards the car, Kyle grabbing Michael’s arm every time he stumbled. He was definitely light-headed. 

“So, what, we think it lowered my blood pressure?” Michael asked, ignoring the way his stomach started to ache in the way it did when he was hungover. Kyle pursed his lips and looked at him, pressing his hand to his forehead like Liz had.

“You’re getting colder and you’re dizzy. Are you nauseous? Tired? Struggling the breathe? Feeling dehydrated, maybe?” Kyle listed. Michael relaxed in the seat, his face involuntarily forming a frown at the sick feeling in his stomach continued.

“Tired and nauseous. What does dehydration feel like?” he asked. Kyle didn’t really answer, he just started the car.

“Yeah, I’m thinking it’s low blood pressure. Keep me updated if it gets any worse on the drive. I’ll stop and get you water and then I’ll fill Alex in so he can keep an eye on you tonight. You should be okay as long as it doesn’t get too much worse,” he explained. Michael nodded and closed his eyes, trying to think of anything else so he didn’t throw up. This was probably his least favorite lab rat experiment ever if this feeling was concerned.

The drive was agonizingly slow and his nausea seemed to only get worse. Eventually, he caved and got Kyle to pull over, which led to him just gagging with nothing to show for it until his body was done going through the motions so he could get back in the car. When they stopped to get water, Michael could only take a few sips before he started shivering and Kyle gave him a jacket from his backseat.

“I would lecture you, but I’ll save that for when you’re feeling less pathetic,” Kyle told him. Michael just groaned and huddled into the doctor’s jacket more. It was taking way too long to get to Alex.

Eventually, though, they pulled up to the cabin and Buffy leisurely made her way around from the backyard to see who pulled up. Alex followed with a smile on his face that turned to confusion when he saw it was Kyle’s car and not Michael’s truck.

“Your boyfriend finally got his comeuppance for being Liz’s lab rat,” Kyle said.

“Say that word again and I’ll puke on your shoes,” Michael grumbled, slowly sliding out of the passenger seat. Both men came to his aid. “I’m fine, I just need to sleep it off.”

“Yeah, we think he has low blood pressure, but I can’t be 100% sure because we have no reference point.”

“Liz doesn’t have a reference point? What the hell?”

“That’s what I said!” Kyle scoffed. Michael halfheartedly mocked him before puckering his lips in Alex’s direction. He rolled his eyes, but he pecked his cheek nonetheless. “But basically I just need you to keep an eye on him to make sure his symptoms don’t get worse. Right now, I’m not really sure what we can do but wait.”

“Okay, I can do that,” Alex said, helping him up the steps of the cabin which was a strange role change for them. Still, Kyle and Alex led him to the couch and covered him up with a blanket and shoved the water bottle in his face.

They spoke for a few more minutes as Michael made himself comfy, feeling like shit for an annoyingly prolonged time. Was this how humans felt? Because, if so, he suddenly had an entirely different level of empathy.

After Kyle left, Alex came over the couch and sat on the coffee table. Michael peeked an eye open just enough to see him lifting Buffy onto the couch where she happily snuggled behind his bent knees with her head on his thigh. Then Alex gave him a sweet smile.

“You feel bad, baby?” he cooed, reaching out to comb his fingers through his hair. Michael nodded slightly and Alex gave an exaggerated pout, leaning forward to press a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll make dinner and then we can go to bed early, how’s that sound?”

“Good,” Michael croaked. Alex just gave another smile and another kiss and left him.

Michael drifted in and out of sleep as Alex cooked for them. Eventually, he came to him with a bowl of soup that was clearly meant for them to share. Alex fed him like he was helpless, carefully giving him spoonfuls. He’d honestly never felt so loved in his entire life.

By the time Alex was finished with the dishes, Michael was feeling a little more steady and he was able to follow Alex to bed without much assistance. Buffy followed them with heavy footsteps and settled in her bed as Michael collapsed in his. Alex gave a low, warm chuckle as he got ready for bed while Michael slowly got out of his jeans.

“Thank you for being nice to me,” Michael said once Alex climbed into bed and turned off the lights.

“Of course I’m taking care of you, I love you,” Alex said. Michael managed a smile.

“Well, thank you for loving me.”

“No problem.”

Going to sleep was easy. Staying asleep, however, was harder than anticipated. Some time during the night, Michael became so overheated that he was sweating through his clothes and he’d kicked the blankets off of himself. He woke up at another point with his heart pounding in his chest to the point he was convinced it was a heart attack, only soothed by Alex’s half-asleep petting and shushing. He eventually passed out for the final time by stripping completely and laying on top of the blankets, heavy-breathing into the dark void of the room.

Still, he woke up the next morning before Alex. He felt better, though, if only a little worn out from his night of bullshit. He dragged himself to the bathroom and then, only then, did he notice it.

He looked in the mirror and he was bald. Fucking bald. With some extra checking, he realized it wasn’t just bald, but he was entirely hairless. No hair on his chest, arms, legs, face, nothing. He couldn’t even find any remnants of peach fuzz. 

“Oh, no,” he whispered, his panic slowly rising the more he realized that he wasn’t hallucinating. This was, in fact, reality. And wasn’t that just a bitch? 

Michael scrambled back to the room and all but vaulted over Alex to get to his phone, his hands shaking as he searched for Liz’s contact information. Alex stirred and Buffy made a low boof from the commotion which just made Alex stir more. Michael froze for a minute. Alex couldn’t see him like this. That was absolutely not even kind of an option.

He ran back to the bathroom and locked the door behind him, sitting on the floor to make sure he didn’t have to look at himself in the mirror again. He didn’t want to see it. But still, he called Liz.

“Mikey?” she said sleepily when she answered, “It’s, like, 6 in the morning. What do you want?”

“What the fuck was in that serum?!” he demanded. She didn’t answer right away. “Well?”

“Michael, you helped me create it. You know what was in it,” she said, a little more awake this time, “Why? What’s going on?”

“I-I-” he said. Michael lifted himself up just a little more to catch sight of his reflection one more time before groaning and falling back to the floor. “All of my hair is gone!” 

“What?” Liz demanded. 

“I look like a hairless fucking cat,” he whined, staying laid on the floor instead of even trying to face his reflection in the mirror. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t let anyone actually see him like this.

“Okay, um, I’ll come over, do some tests, see what went wrong. I don’t understand,” Liz said. Michael whined even louder.

“Michael, are you okay? There’s fucking hair all over the floor, did you shave your head or something?” Alex asked suddenly. Michael’s eyes widened and he put his full weight on the locked door so Alex couldn’t come it.

“Hurry and bring something to fix it,” Michael hissed, ending the call before she could speak. Alex knocked against the door.

“Michael? What’s going on? Do I need to call Kyle?” Alex asked sweetly. Michael simply groaned. Why did he have to be nice? And why did he want to call Kyle, the guy with the ridiculously good hair? He already had Liz coming over and she was basically a fucking hair goddess.

“I’m fine,” Michael told him.

“Well, open up,” he urged, “Let me make sure you’re not, like, going hysterical.”

“Trust me, I wish I was hysterical,” Michael answered, throwing his head back against the door. Except it was bare skin again the cold door with no barrier to soften the blow and he couldn’t help but make a disgusted face. When he rubbed the back of his head, the disgust only got worse. Even that time one of his foster families shaved his head didn’t feel as bad as this. 

Alex, however, was being suspiciously quiet for a suspicious amount of time. It wasn’t like him to just fold so easy and Michael put his ear to the door to see what was going on. Which is when the door clicked unlocked and started to push open. Michael pushed on it as hard as he could.

“Michael.” 

“Don’t come in!”

“You’re worrying me, tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m fine! Just-just leave me alone!” Michael told him.

Alex was quiet for a minute before he said in the softest, most ‘I’m only speaking because I’m anxious and my therapist said I need to talk about my feelings when that happens’ voice ever, “I don’t like this.”

Michael groaned, his stomach twisting with his internal battle. He was cold and hairless and gross and he wasn’t really ready for Alex to see him like that. In fact, if he never had Alex see him like that, then he would gladly avoid him. But this was stressing Alex out and that made it hard to stay.

“Promise me you won’t laugh,” he said, “Or think I’m ugly and break up with me.”

“What? Why would I ever think you’re ugly?” Alex asked, “Did you shave your head?”

“Um, not exactly,” he said, reaching with his foot to grab a towel to tie around his hips. This was actually freezing. How did people function with no hair?

Eventually, he managed to get over himself, wrapped the towel around his waist, and let Alex open the door. He closed his eyes so he didn’t have to see Alex’s initial reaction. If Alex thought he was ugly, then he probably would never be able to get that image out of his head.

“Okay, what happened?” Alex wondered softly. Michael managed to peel his eyes open. Alex stood, leaning heavily on his crutches with his features schooled as if waiting for more information before he showed any type of reaction. 

“I don’t know,” Michael whined, keeping his back to the mirror. He didn’t want to even kind of look at himself. “I just, I got really overheated last night and then I woke up like, like this.” 

“Okay, okay,” Alex said softly, stepping closer, “It’s okay.”

“I look disgusting.”

Alex rolled his eyes, finally showing some reaction. 

“You do not.” Michael glared at him. “Okay, look, it’s a little different, but it’s, not, like horrible.”

“It’s horrible.”

“No, it’s not.”

“I have no body hair. At all. I look like a pre-pubescent boy who stuck his head in Nair,” Michael shot back. Alex grimaced.

“Okay, don’t say that, that makes me feel gross for still finding you attractive.” Michael’s shoulders relaxed a little.

“You still think I’m attractive?” he asked. Alex rolled his eyes again.

“Michael, I love you for you, not for your looks. Sure, it’s an... adjustment, but you aren’t ugly or gross,” he promised, moving closer. He kept both of his crutches in clutch and leaned in to kiss his cheek. Somehow, it still didn’t make him feel any more secure. “Now, I’m gonna go call Liz.”

“I already did, she’s on her way,” Michael said. Alex nodded.

“Good. Now get out of my bathroom, get dressed, and clean up the hair,” he said. Michael nodded and left the bathroom.

Michael avoided the three mirrors that were in the bedroom like the plague as he made his way to the closet to get dressed. Typically, he liked the mirrors. He liked them a lot. Right now, though, he wanted to forget. He put on socks that covered his smooth calves, his only pair of jeans with no holes, a t-shirt, a button up, and topped it off by stealing one of Alex’s beanies that he pulled down to wear his eyebrows used to be.

Then he went to sweep up the hair which hurt him a lot more than he expected. It felt like a special kind of torture knowing that he just had to deal with it. He was mournful and achy about the entire thing. He wanted his hair back. 

Once he got it all in the dust pan and in the trash, he collapsed back in bed. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so low. Or the last time Alex’s compliments didn’t make him feel better. This was truly his rock bottom.

“You look so sad,” Alex sighed as he came back into the room, sitting at the bench on the foot of the bed to put on his prosthetic. “Do I say I told you so now or later?”

“Never,” Michael grumbled into the pillow. If he stayed there, nothing could get worse. “Please, never.”

He heard Alex stand up and walk to the side of the bed, patting him on the ass as he kissed his hat-covered head. His hairless, hairless head. 

“I’m gonna go let Buffy out and make some coffee and then Liz should be here and we’ll figure it out, okay?” Alex said, still sounding sweet instead of condescending despite the fact that he knew he wanted to say he told him so. Because he had. They all had. It was going to bite him in the ass, they said. He just hadn’t expected it to be so bad.

“Okay,” Michael agreed, still not moving. He didn’t want to.

“You poor, poor baby.”

Michael laid in bed for awhile, trying to distract himself as best he could from the fact he felt like a newborn baby. Or a mannequin. Or both. He groaned and rolled onto Alex’s side of the bed to try and get rid of that horrible feeling in his stomach. He didn’t even let himself think about work in the morning.

Eventually, the smell of coffee came closer with the sound of two pairs of footsteps. With it came the crushing embarrassment of having not one, but two witnesses to the way he looked. And to think, he thought he was done with embarrassment after the fifth time he went to school with bruises back in Albuquerque.

“Tell him he looks fine,” Alex said. Liz snorted slightly.

“Michael, it’s really not that big of a deal. I mean, you didn’t really have eyebrows to begin with and that’s the major thing that makes someone look weird,” Liz explained. He lifted his head just enough to glare at her. She sighed and came closer. “You know, after Rosa died and I left town, I cut all my hair off and I felt really ugly too.”

“That’s not the same thing. You did that on purpose. I didn’t want this,” Michael explained. 

“Yeah, okay, but it’ll be okay. I mean, look, let me check your vitals. If it just made your hair fall out and didn’t effect your hair follicles, it’ll just looked like you shaved it in, like, a week. It’ll grow back, it’s just hair,” Liz told him. He still pouted. “It’ll grow back.”

“I feel naked.”

“Yeah, well, you like being naked,” Alex pointed out. Michael sighed. “Look, it just feels this bad because it’s new. I promise you, you’ll feel better after you get used to it. I did whenever I had to shave my head for basic.”

“You promise?” he said.

“I promise. This is as low as you’ll feel,” he said. Michael reluctantly sat up.

“I’ll hold you to it.”

He let himself be dragged into the kitchen where Alex gave him coffee and doused him in kisses. Liz took his vitals and a blood sample. The little check-up proved that he was basically back to normal, just hairless. But there was no obvious sign that it was going to affect his hair growth in the future which did make him feel a little better.

“So, as far as I can tell, your blood pressure dropped so low that that your body over-corrected by spiking your blood pressure. And, because your alien genes are insane, instead of gradual hair loss, it just all fell out at once. And I’m assuming it’s only because it got so high,” Liz explained. Michael let out a sigh and Alex pressed a kiss to his neck.

“See? I told you, you’re fine,” Alex told him.

“I think this is the most PDA I’ve ever seen you give, Alex,” Liz said with a smile. 

“He’s only doing it to make me feel better,” Michael said. Alex hummed and pressed another kiss to the side of his head.

“You know me so well,” he cooed. Michael rolled his eyes and managed a smile. 

“Right, well, I’ll let you know if anything weird happens when I look at your blood sample and just keep me updated on your hair re-growth. Maybe I can try to make a hair gr—“

“Nope. I’m gonna retire being a lab rat for a little while,” Michael said. He didn’t even have to look at Alex to know he was happy about that choice. “Maybe let’s stick to actually looking for something useful and then we’ll talk?”

“Okay, I can get behind that,” Liz agreed, holding her hand for Michael to shake. 

That night, Michael found himself back in bed and laying on Alex’s chest. It felt weird to feel his breath on his bare scalp, but he did feel a little more comfortable over all. It was slightly easy to forget how he looked as long as he didn’t have to look at it. 

“I am gonna miss playing with your hair, though,” Alex whispered, rubbing his head gently. 

“I’m gonna miss you playing with my hair,” he said. Alex responded by kissing him which was a very weird sensation. Definitely not a bad one, but a weird one. “Maybe I’ll grow back eyebrows this time.”

“I wouldn’t get your hopes up,” Alex laughed. Michael smiled and turned over, trying his best to get comfortable with his nose pressed into his collarbone. Alex, in turn, grabbed his chin and pulled him into a kiss. The kiss deepened just a little and Alex grabbed the side of his face. “Your ears are so cold.”

“Right?” Michael said, pulling out of the kiss to look at him, “Like, my entire head is fucking freezing since I took your hat off.”

“Aw, my poor baby,” Alex said, his pout slowly slipping into a laugh, “C’mere, I’ll warm you up.”

Michael laughed his way through it as Alex pulled his face into his neck and wrapped his arms around his head. It was warmer, he couldn’t lie. So, he snuggled up to him, feeding off of his body heat for once. 

“Okay, this started as a joke, but I’m actually warm and comfy,” Michael said, his voice muffled against Alex’s skin. Alex gave a soft, tired laugh.

“I’ve got you,” Alex said, “Also I like that your legs are so smooth, is that what it feels like to sleep with a girl?”

“Alex, you’ve slept in the same bed as girls multiple times.”

“I didn’t feel their legs with my foot, that’s weird.”

“You’re doing it do me.”

“You’re my boyfriend, leave me alone.”

“I refuse to leave you alone, I would quite literally glue myself to you before I leave you alone.”

“Fine, get the glue, bro.”

“Did you just call me bro while we’re literally in bed together?”

“Yeah, man, how’s it feel?” 

“You are so mean to me.”

Alex snorted and kissed his forehead softly. “I love you.”

Michael smiled and burrowed in a little closer. “I love you too.”

Truth be told, the best discovery that came with losing his hair was how comforting it was to just huddle up to Alex like a cat all times and using the excuse of being cold. He did it even when he wasn’t cold. He did it even when his hair grew back. He did it even when their new experiments gave him completely new side effects

If that ever annoyed Alex, well, he never said anything. So Michael just never stopped.

[popculture-etc]

Kenny Rogers, Adam Schlesinger,...coping with 2020

Worst year ever although there were some good.

It’s too early yet for me to do a quick look back on what 2020 is like here as we’re only going to be in the first of December tomorrow (it’s Nov 30 here) but I just have to as two losses this year broke me. Kind of, well, especially the second one.

You see, before East Asian pop, Jpop and Kpop, Western pop culture was my thing. It still is and this pandemic has made me go back to that recently starting with...the Beach Boys (their westcoast sound caught me, hook, line, and sinker and I wasn’t very fond of the Beatles to begin with...to be completely honest) I’m currently chillin’ to right now, as I write this post. I’m really weak to the westcoast sound. Beach sound/s in general, rather. I’m a big fan of the beach where nature goes, for one. Since some time, a few years ago, deep chill and tropical house music has been my go-to when I want to chill or calm myself down after an outburst of sorts and I put them on when I just feel meh, especially on Fridays. When I dream of being by the sea, the beach or in some island on my own. I live in a country with a lot of beaches and the Visayas here is basically island region Philippines, lol. Like most people, I listen to music according to mood just like the way I dress according to mood. And...it’s no wonder, really that I’m so into the Beach Boys now. RIP the Beatles. My dad played some songs of theirs on the guitar or so but the hold they have on me waned later on and I just think now how overrated they were back then. They did have good songs but when talking of good music, as in really good that it retains the same sound style or so, it’s the Beach Boys for me. Brian Wilson is the man despite his issues and personal struggles.

Anyway, we’re going quickly off tangent. I’ll save the Beach Boys fangirling for another day. lol.

I grew up with western pop culture rife all around me thanks to my American, cowboy country and folk music listening dad, my Carpenters-loving mom and then, college-aged aunts who’d made me see the Titanic film more than my fingers could count---the third is clearly an exaggeration but well...some of it is true and they were why I got into American films like Pretty Woman (we have this in good ol’ VHS in our family home, my grandparents’ in Jasaan), Mannequin, Ghost etc. in the late 80s, coming into the early 90s. So, tired of all the kdrama and uninteresting kvariety shows on tvn and the rebranded local channel, Kapamilya (long story for what we formerly know as ABS-CBN, the nation’s a mess right now and our gov’t’s just...ick!), I’d retreated to my cave and got into old tv shows I’d watched as a kid instead like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed and it’s been, well, moving on from there. I’m checking out Twin Peaks later. I’ve been watching old Hollywood films too. Some revisits on this include: Casablanca, Gone With The Wind, and especially A Streetcar Named Desire will always and forever be my favorite. Very young and cute and good looking Marlon Brando, ugh. I have some others in the stash which include Bonnie and Clyde I’ll be getting into much, much later, maybe over the weekends and holidays. In sum, I have a long history with western pop culture, especially America’s, more than I have with Japan’s and South Korea’s. The latter being very, very recent so it doesn’t really compare as much.

Let’s get right down to it...

So 2020 had us lose Kenny Rogers to natural causes on March 20 in a hospice and after, Adam Schlesinger to COVID 19 complications on April 1. I know the latter as the songwriter of The Wonders’ That Thing You Do from the film sharing the same song title. I know Kenny Rogers well because my dad listens to him over and over in the car. In pretty much the same way, I know the words to Islands in the Stream by heart and I accept and revere it as one of the best, if not THE BEST country-pop duet songs of all time between Kenny and Dolly Parton...as far as country and pop music in the US of A’re concerned, of course. Miley and Shawn Mendez’s cover of it I’d seen recently was alright but nothing still beats the OG one, as always. With music, it’s just, really always the case.

Kenny departing from us March this year was alright. He was well cared for in a hospice and at the right age too, to leave us and this mess of a world behind for the afterlife. Sounds grim but not really. Heh. He died of natural causes so we know he was at peace and accepted then that his time has come. Fans and long-time listeners of his should also be at peace with this knowledge. I don’t consider myself a fan but since he’s been around so much because my dad plays his songs in the car often, I’m the same. I’ve accepted his passing away early this year. He’s lived his life well and given us good music to listen to should we like to remember him and his works and celebrate his life and legacy doing so.

Schlesinger’s case was way worse because, well, COVID 19. And it’s well...I guess we all saw it coming, me included, that I’d just learned, watching the one of many national English news on ANC that ‘pandemic’ is the word of the year according to Merriam-Webster. Timely, huh? Yep. Predictable, really. Sarcasm noted here.

So if someone ever asks what 2020 was about, we only have to say that according to Merriam-Webster, it’s the global (COVID 19) pandemic. Short, not-so-sweet, succinct, and grim. Yep.

This one, Schlesinger’s case, is something I still find difficult to accept. He was only 52 years old! He was at the prime of his life and had some projects still he was working on at the time of his passing so WHY?! I suppose that’s all of us who followed him and his extensive work on tv, film, the stage and his own band, Fountains of Wayne when we heard news he’s passed away due to COVID 19 complications. It’s definitely me now though I learned of it late. Heh.

To cope with the sadness of losing Schlesinger, gone too soon at 52 years old and with an impressive Hollywood tv, stage, film resume to his name since and his own band’s, Fountains of Wayne (FoW) really good discography, by the way, I’ve been listening to FoW’s Welcome Interstate Managers---all of the contents of said album/record---and That Thing You Do’s OST with the Beach Boys’ Sounds of Summer Best of in between. My favorite song on Welcome Interstate Managers is the sarcastic take on real life as an everyday worker in sales, Bright Future in Sales. As much as I like chill sounds where music goes, I like me some music with lyrics jolting us back to grim reality in much the same way I like films (indies, mostly, or lesser known short and full-length ones) that tackle social issues not frequently discussed in public or so but we are aware are there, still plaguing much of today’s society. I live for cynical, satirical, ironic, and even hyperbolic stuff about real life actually. It may be why I’m so entrenched and attached to the era where we all hated ourselves---the 90s. Although one would say much of that sentiment or feeling did carry itself to the 2000s, though. I don’t know about you, but until now, I still hate or have heavy dislike for myself and everything else around me, especially our gov’t or current admin here in the Philippines, and people in general so I don’t think it ever really goes away. And going off tangent again for the nth time today.

Anyway, my 1996 was That Thing You Do on HBO in our household...on and off along with other 90s films like The Craft, Clueless, Jawbreakers (I think this still plays in Cinemax from time to time) so of course losing Schlesinger also was...rather, is hard. He’s done so much and he was supposed to be working on more and he’s left such a deep mark here for us, avid fans of American pop culture...I suppose, even the casual ones. Aside from his That Thing You Do, I’d also seen Josie and the Pussycats at some point. I don’t remember when, where...though I did watch some episodes of the cartoon on Cartoon Network (CN) so of course, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the film of it as well. He worked on a track or some tracks there, too. 

2020 sucks. COVID 19 sucks. This global pandemic sucks. But at least there’re films, tv shows, music, stage musical plays turned movies (Jonathan Larson’s Tick, Tick...Boom! is coming to us soon with Andrew Garfield in the lead---I’m wary of Garfield being a forgettable actor since The Amazing Spider Man because Dane Dehaan was what made that for me, to be quite honest so I’m not so sure of him being Jon here and as a self-respecting Larson fan since Rent, I’d rather they casted Neil Patrick Harris/NPH since he was in the London stage for this way back anyway...) to keep us entertained and fine until then. What would it take for ‘rona, and I’m not talking about the American Corona beer here that’s really popular in the west coast, to go away? I, like the rest of you in self isolation or quarantine, tend to think so but I don’t think we’ll have any answer to that until the vaccines are well underway by spring next year. Or at least, that’s what health authorities and scientists tell us anyway. I get reminded of it often in the news and I only tune in to that once in a while now because even that, following that daily, breaks my mental faculties down due to stress and pressure and all and I can’t have that when I still have so much, at the back of my mind, to do.

But anyway, time to conclude this one with one of my favorite The Wonders songs, All My Only Dreams just to end on a good note, better than the last paragraph’s ending at least and to remember Schlesinger as well that we’d lost this year along with plenty others we’d met in passing who’ve also left this world especially due to COVID 19 complications. I know we know a lot of those. For me, it’s a distant relative or family member I’d known since young but don’t have particular fluffy bunny feelings for because of some things that happened between the guy and me growing up in the NCR/Caloocan City to be exact. There’s also my good friend and former co-worker’s only remaining parent, her dad and a few more, I’m sure. So I hope 2021 would be better but I doubt it...very much. It’s still looking pretty dim, grim and bleak from here, where I’m currently standing in 2020.

Before we really end though, COVID 19 is definitely not a hoax. It hasn’t been since the first cases started in Wuhan, China. It’s just, only been getting worse and still continue to claim lives and spread to more people even those at home. So as someone who comes from a household of mostly medical workers or health care workers here, we should really be very careful about and around it. Let’s take the necessary health protocols seriously like wearing a mask out and maybe the face shield too and always keeping the sanitizers, alcohols in our bags among others---hygiene and sanitation, disinfection. It may come off really anal of me and I am not anal (I don’t like people with Type A personalities in the first place, lol...I’m just a very cautious Virgo, really, and a Type X---mix of Type C and D personalities) but seriously, SERIOUSLY, I can’t stress this enough, COVID 19, the virus SARS-COV2, that causes it is real. Very real and once it’s in your system, it can go the fatal, deadly way or just the mild and you’ll recover later anyway way. It’s not picking which people should die next and which should not, really. It’s really just there making a mess of things that are already messy since the beginning. My point being, it’s just better if we don’t spread it or are careful enough not to contract it with following health protocols set by health experts, scientists to help us get by this...pandemic. 

Well here’s to 2020 being over soon and 2021 creeping in on us soon enough. 

P.S.

Billie Armstrong of Greenday upped a cover of That Thing You Do as a tribute to Adam and the youtube live of the Wonders coming together again to pay tribute to and celebrate Adam’s life may still be up on the ‘tube. I have yet to see the latter but enjoyed the former. They are just so...sweet and precious. Ugh. Adam Schlesinger, gone too soon indeed. :(

PPS

Another songwriter/contributor in the TTYD OST passed away last year, too. Rick Elias. Cause of death is brain cancer. I had a friend from college, young and so full of life and dreams, who passed away due to the same thing so I’m kind of aware how this goes. Ugh. Cancer sucks. All of these are just so...sad. Depressing, actually.

[letterstothemidnightsociety]

Here we are at the end of October, in the Year of Our Troubles, 2020. And here I am, continuing my journey to avoid reality by looking for meaning in nostalgia and TV Hunks. It’s Supernatural!

Alright so we’ve made it to my (possibly/probably) all time favorite quartet of the entire series - Disc 3, Season 1, episodes 9 - 12. For the last few discs, I’ve been keeping things pretty technical in terms of television production and broadcast. But frankly, this sh*t is my jam. All that gooey emotion, all that sweet sweet lore, throw in some man tears and *chef kissy fingers* c'est magnifique! 

Now I’ll backtrack for a hot second here to talk about the filler vs. self-contained argument that I...probably jumbled in my last post. In shows like this, I tend to use “filler” to describe every episode that isn’t arc, but honestly, that’s not fair to a number of Supernatural episodes. The main difference being, is this episode meant to pad out your season or is it simply an episode that can stand on its own two feet? I’d say that’s the case for this entire disc.

First up, it’s Home. Guys, I think I cheered when I turned this episode on. We take our Winchesters, give them some small victories, build up their confidence, and then totally break them down again by sending them back to the beginning. This is not listed as the “official” return to the arc episodes, but I’d argue that Home is where we see a return to the Main Quest. Oh yeah, and Sam finally admits that he can see...what? What do we call these? Death Omens? I think Sam calls them premonitions? Either way, it’s…*shrugs* sure, do what you want. The premonitions do become important later and they’re basically the catalyst for the whole second season and that resolution takes us into the main conflict for the third season, and so on and so on, it’s a whole thing. It just seems like a hecking lot this go around, ok? But he finally admits it to Dean and that’s probably some kind of growth. Dean going back into that house again is also some kind of growth. Of course, he was like, 4 when he swore he’d never go back to that house again? Whatever, I didn’t care. I get too distracted by the fact that DEAN IS CRYING GUYS! LOOK! HE’S CRYING!!

Oh, and one more tie to the season arc - Hecking John Winchester shows up. I mean, he’s all over the episode and I think the most shocking thing we find out about him is that he was, at one point, a business owner?? But also it ends with conclusive proof that John Winchester is a massive dick who refuses to talk to his children. And I’m sorry, I don’t buy your “have to finish it first” excuse, I just don’t. To be clear, I’m not mad at the storytelling choice to do that, I’m mad at the character, which I guess is where it should be. 

I like that this episode builds out more of the world that the Winchesters live in with Missouri Mosely (Not the State!). I like that we see they’re not alone in this very literal fight against evil. She checks back in later in the series and honestly, I love Loretta Devine so I would have watched a whole spinoff show about this character. 

Two things I don’t like about this episode? #1 What genius decided that Mary’s ghost would just be on fire for 20 years? Like, cuz that’s what I am understanding about this ghost. That she is just constantly on fire. And that’s...unkind. 

Mary, who did this to you??

#2 Only a man could have written this episode because no single mom is just gonna LET two rando dudes into her home. 

Listen boys, you’re cute, but I’m a woman with two small children. Hell no you’re not coming into my house. 

Next up is Asylum and this is so good at walking the line between creepy and Spooky. UNlike the Bloody Mary episode, I do not need to hide my face from the screen at any point during this episode. 

Hey look, it’s like they’re brothers or something!

This one is another episode that does a good job building character and the world the Winchesters live in. Like any good procedural, it uses the main conflict to bring out the more important conflict. In this case, it literally brings it out, cuz the ghost is a psychiatrist who makes Same confront all his Daddy Issues. And by confront we mean, take it out on his brother who is the saddest-motherf*cker-I’ve-ever-seen BUT HEY! Salting and burning a body finally works for once in their lives! I love all the cringing that Jensen Ackles does in that scene because they clearly hadn’t figured out what that effect was supposed to look like yet. 

It must have been a real surprise to find out the ghost didn’t light on fire.

Oh and then there’s the phone call! And man, this must have been a bitch of a mid-season finale, cuz this episode aired in November of 2005 and the next episode doesn’t come back until January of 2006 and so you’re just WAITING to hear what John has to say. 

Now wait for two months to find out what he says. 

And of course, it’s nothing. We come back in January to Scarecrow and John has nothing to say cuz he’s a massive dick. Just calling 6 months in to your nationwide search for me to let you know that I’m not dead, but also, I’m only here to send you on another assignment and cause tension. And so the show continues to break down our dynamic duo because the fight they have over whether they should listen to dad or not literally splits them apart. They also introduce Meg as a new and more involved villain for the series. I mean, sort of. We don’t see her again for like, another five episodes. And then again another five episodes after that. So like, I don’t really...know that introducing her as an antagonist...really had the effect they were hoping for?

Is she evil cuz she’s a demon or just because she’s blonde???

Here’s some issues I have with Meg, the first recurring female character who isn’t dead - she’s the first recurring female character who isn’t dead and also, I immediately hated her. I remember watching the episode the first time and as soon as I saw her I was like, oh she’s a ruiner. It was almost a relief to find out she was a bad guy at the end because it was like I was allowed to hate her? To be fair to me, Meg comes on hella strong trying to keep Sam from going back to his brother, so we’re not supposed to like her, but looking back on it now I feel like the perpetrator of some real girl-on-girl crime. Does Meg actually do anything wrong? Aside from leaning real hard on some indie-style manic-pixie bohemian free spirit nonsense, she doesn’t do...anything that should make me hate her? Until, of course, she actively acts as a wedge between our dream team, but before then, I don’t...think she does? Honestly, it could just be me, but I do think that TV has gotten much better at writing/directing/presenting female characters in a way that doesn’t feel like they’re literally shoe-horning in a third wheel. And again, ultimately we are supposed to hate her, I just can’t decide if I was picking up on signals that were intentional or not. I remember having similar feelings when they introduced Joe in season 2, but that’s still far ahead.

I am willing to admit that this might be just me. I will not take back the things I’ve said about Emma Watson though, those are justified. 

And I think introducing more characters is important. It acts the same way introducing Missouri did -it broadens the world. For half a season, our only constants are the brothers. They’re these lone cowboys in a weird, mystical, dangerous wasteland and the villains are more obstacles than actual villains. When the story you’re telling needs to feel bigger than that, you need to do some world building and sometimes that starts with adding more characters. I will say, I hated Meg less this watch than I did on the first one. Or rather, I hated her cuz I knew she was The Worst, not because I felt like adding her to the show was a threat to the storytelling. 

OH! ALSO! The first mention of Dean and Pie! My heart grew three sizes that day! 

The hecking diner won’t serve him so he never finds out!!!

And finally, to cap it all off, we have Faith which is...a surprisingly rough episode? Ok, listen, Dean just resignedly accepting his own demise is like, ugh. UGH. ugh. Buddy. Buddy you are NOT Ok. Like, Dean is so intent on keeping everyone else in his family alive but does not seem as concerned about his own health and well-being and that...just...ughghghghg...I have a lot of feelings about that. 

Listen, some day I will talk about Sam, but it is NOT THIS DAY.

Like, I get that Rev. Jerry Gergich Roy Le Grange is not actually healing people, but he literally tells Dean that Dean has a purpose and he was saved from an untimely death for a reason, and he’s kind of not wrong? But then he spends the rest of the episode stopping Roy from healing anyone else and feeling overwhelmingly guilty that he was saved over someone else. I think out of everything that season 1 has presented up to this episode, this is the most philosophical and thematically complex. There’s the question of faith vs skepticism - can we ever just blindly believe in a good turn? The fact that Dean can’t says a lot about him as a human. Then there’s the question of who gets to decide who lives and who dies? Who’s worthy of salvation and who isn’t? Why do bad things happen to good people and why do good things happen to Dean? I mean, when Dean sees the Reaper coming for him at the end, he knows that it’s in exchange for Layla’s life and he’s just...Ok with that? He doesn’t try to run or fight it, and it’s only because of Sam that he doesn’t bite it. And the end of this episode is just a real bitch slap to the feels because Layla, our Very Special Extra, knows she’s going to die and she knows she missed out on her chance to be healed because Dean was an Ass with a capital A and took her turn (probably). And she’s also just ok with that and it kills me a little bit on the inside. 

Also, Layla is played by Julie Benze from Roswell and Buffy and Dexter and she’s always A+. And Roy was in Snakes on a Plane!

So yeah, not exactly “filler” in the true sense, but ties to the season arc are not as strong as in other episodes. And watching these episodes again I realize just how important they are to the series as a whole. I mentioned Helstrom last week and since then, I’ve finished the season. It’s only 10 episodes, and while I definitely enjoyed it, none of the emotional climaxes felt earned. 

Is how I feel. About the Emotions in Helstrom. That doesn’t mean I won’t watch a season 2. 

When you focus solely on the main arc in every single episode, you miss these little moments to develop character and relationships. When you get to the end of the season where the Winchesters are finally all in the same room taking on the Big Bad, there’s this feeling of satisfaction - you’ve been waiting for this moment. You’ve been waiting for Sam to reconcile with his father. You’ve been waiting for the guys to finally take on this thing that killed Mary Winchester. You’ve been waiting to see what will happen when the quest is over. That’s what makes the character decisions in the finale feel so big and so important, because they’ve been built up and built up for 22 episodes - 7 months in broadcast time. I think it’s harder to have the sort of weight that Supernatural builds in a show that stays so focused on the arc because its season is only 8 - 10 eps. There’s no room for sidetracking to build on the relationships in the show. You don’t have time for it, so you either have to keep character moments smaller (I’d argue MUCH smaller) or you end up with a finale that doesn’t resonate with the same gravitas as you want it to. 

Don’t get me wrong - I know it sounds like I’m ragging on short seasons, but I think a short season can be very effective when it’s done right. I also think a full season of 22 - 24 episodes can be very effective when it’s done right. But I think there’s a fundamental difference in how you tell the story when you have a short vs. a long season. I think TV is still figuring that out as it goes, as writers who are accustomed to long seasons shift gears to tell their stories with fewer installments. But I hope that TV doesn’t completely do away with the more procedural-style/self-contained episodes since those can be a powerful way to connect with your characters. That’s why I’m here in the first place. 

[fandomele]

Same anon here & holy shit I didn't know the SC fandom got that awful. As a rule I tend to stay in my lane and read fanfics about my fav ships so I don't go to Twitter often for content. Fans can be very hypocritical & I think it's b/c people feel the need to justify liking things so much now that they bend over backwards to seem in the right. The Joker is one of my all time fav villains but I'm not gonna pretend he isn't terrible just so people won't judge me for liking a fictional character

yeah, I mean... I have shipped things that weren’t exactly completely healthy for the characters or super progressive or whatever simply because I liked them (while being like “it’s fine if you don’t like it, but I interpret it this way and I can see how it could become healthy if this and that happened, and with therapy, and I like their general interactions so I can also imagine aus where the bad things didn’t happen”). It’s a matter of tastes. And sometimes I do interpret a character in a very nice way and other people hate the same character, that’s fine too, and we can argue whether that character is good or bad or what. Sometimes I will ship the white, straight couple even when given different options if I like their dynamic, I shipped Willow and Oz from Buffy more than I shipped Willow and Tara.  Both canon romances but because Willow and Tara were both sweet together, until it got darker, it was more boring to me than Oz, who was so funny. Simple as that. Legends of Tomorrow? Sara and Ava kinda disliked each other, then flirted and bantered and I was sold. It’s all about personality, I won’t automatically ship something based on gender. But I also won’t claim that I ship Sara and Ava because of wlw representation and shipping something else is homophobic, or that my ships are morally superior and all that. (Though I do feel happy even just when couples that involve minorities exist, because people need that, and give ‘points’ to show who have them. The two things can co-exist)It’s just way different from saying ‘I ship this because -representation- and it’s perfect and healthy and must happen, and if you don’t ship it you are racist/homophobic/misogynistic and evil, and this show is queerbaiting us because... one character cares for the other and the actresses sometimes glance at each other’s lips much like the rest of the population does while talking’. Not to mention how much some of those fans confuse characters with actors and straight up torment real people over their jobs until they get blocked, and then use it as proof that they are bad people. How you behave with other real people really determines if you are a decent person or not, it’s not which character you like that does it. Or even why. 

But then, most of these fans were in the Emma x Regina fandom in once upon a time. They are fans who, beside bullying everybody else while claiming to be the victim, did things such as accusing Jennifer Morrison of supporting rape culture because Jen was happy that fans of her canon ship, Emma x Hook, had made a tea dedicated to it. That level of detachment from reality and entitlement. And they kept getting angrier, getting more people into their group while feeding them their teachings and expecting them to be as angry, and inviting them to be, and attracting other people who felt that way and who made it even worse, and then they all moved to a new fandom, supergirl, where they picked a kinda similar couple, Kara and Lena, and from the beginning were as obsessed and demanding as they were by the end of once upon a time, and from there it kept escalating too, exactly because that’s how group dynamic works. They have reached incredibly unacceptable levels and some day, when supergirl is over, they’ll migrate to a new show where they will start attacking everyone and invading all tags to ‘conquer’ the fandom and fight all those ‘bad shippers’ who ship other ships and must be ‘taught’ that they are immoral for it, and escalate from there as well. It’s a cycle, it just happens that it always gets more extreme as time goes by and more people join in. And the poor normal fans of the same thing are either forced to adapt, to hide, or to stay very far away so they won’t be confused with them. 

And yes, some fans did brag, years ago, about how they were teaching karamel fans a lesson because we were mysoginistic, supporting rape culture, racist and homophobic and abuse apologists for shipping Kara and Mon El, and by posting anti-karamel in all tags and pro-supercorp as well, they were effectively ruining the chance for fans to 1 enjoy the show 2 enjoy their tumblr time 3 find other fans who liked the same things and 4, in the case of young impressionable fans, they made them wonder if they were doing something bad by shipping Kara and Mon El and be ashamed of themselves.So in the end Karamel fans became quieter, didn’t post in the karamel tag because you wouldn’t scroll down to find posts there if you had to scroll down hundreds of anti ones, you’d just get in a bad mood, and only talked to their close friends and mutual followers without tagging, while those supercorpers had ‘won’ the tags.

This is just an example too but I have no doubt that they’ll pull the same ‘technique’ in the next fandom, unless it’s big like the ouat one was in which case they’ll get shut down by several groups of people. But if it’s smaller like Supergirl’s? Yeah, they’ll purposefully ruin the tag system and claim to be doing that because of social justice related reasons and then that they are in fact victims and bullied themselves. And at the same time exaggerate their fave characters’ qualities to make them good and pure and a victim so that they can prove they have the moral high ground on that too. 

[theavidindoorswoman]

On fandom and Veronica Mars

In the aftermath of the nonsense that is Veronica Mars Season 4, I’ve been thinking a lot about Fandom, my role in it, & how it became a part of my life. Veronica Mars is how I first discovered fandom. so it’s something that is really important to me and how I understand it. This will probably be unnecessarily long but bear with me, I have a lot of feelings.

I’ve always loved television, and watch much more television than a normal person should. I could wax poetic all day about why it’s the best medium for visual storytelling. Anyway, this is about Veronica Mars. Somewhere around 2009/2010, I was going through a really rough period post-college, in the midst of what professionals apparently call a major depressive episode.  My most used and least destructive coping mechanism? Making Netflix my BFF. I found myself doing A LOT of bingewatching. Veronica Mars was one of those shows that I always saw people recommending but never really thought would be a good fit for me; I was really over crime shows at that point and had no interest in watching a show about a private investigator, much less a teenaged one. Eventually, I gave in and found it on Netflix. I don’t even remember why really. But 64 episodes and 3 weeks later, I was ruined. 

I loved Veronica, I loved Wallace, I loved Keith, and eventually, I even loved Logan. To this day, Veronica & Wallace are still my favorite TV friendship, and Veronica & Keith are my favorite parent/child relationship. I also loved LoVe. This is the part where I shamefully admit that I initially shipped Veronica w/Duncan, yeah I know (I have a tendency to ship characters with the person that they think they are meant to be with). But from the moment that Veronica & Logan kissed in Weapons of Class Destruction, I was done for. As soon as I got over the shock, I was all in. Even though I’ve always rooted for various couples over the years, Whitley & Duane on A Different World, Will & Lisa on Fresh Prince, Buffy & Angel, Josh & Donna, etc. I never understood myself to be a shipper. I never even knew that shipping was a thing, which as someone who grew up spending the summer holidays watching soaps with my mom, is kind of absurd. Shout out to Days of Our Lives, Passions, and Y&R (Stefano DiMera is still the best soap villain of all time). 

But it wasn’t just about shipping. I knew that the show had been canceled, but when I got to that last episode, I was distraught. There had to be more, I thought. There’s no way that it just ended like that? Did Logan & Veronica ever get back together? What was the deal with Jake Kane? Would Piz’s death please become the next mystery? How was I just supposed to move on without the answers to these questions? How was I supposed to accept a world in which Veronica & Piz were still out there somewhere dating?

I’ve had many a beloved show canceled, in fact, I’m pretty sure that I’m a television jinx, but somehow this was different. I was genuinely distraught. I had been a longtime lurker and infrequent commenter on Television Without Pity (RIP), but hadn’t visited the site in ages. One of the first things I did was go on there and dig up the Veronica Mars sub-forum. I read old threads, saw people’s reactions to THAT KISS, read discussions and theories about potential future seasons.  I was DEEP into the rabbit hole. From TWOP it was on to youtube fan vids, and then on to the magical world of tumblr GIF compilations, and finally, it led to Fan Fiction and this entire world of incredibly talented writers who created wonderful stories just because they love this thing so much (thanks for fixing that season 3 ending a dozen times over).

I had never read a single piece of fan fiction in my life and I had no idea what this tumblr thing was, but suddenly I’d discovered this whole new part of the internet, a treasure trove of content that allowed me to keep visiting this universe that I loved, and keep hanging out with these characters that I loved. I realized that I wasn’t the only one who still mourned the loss of this show, that once I got past the freshness of my disappointment there were all these people out there who cared about the same things that I did. If Veronica & Co. could live on in this world, so could other beloved things.

Not too long after I “joined” this fandom news came about the movie Kickstarter. I didn’t think twice about donating, I drove almost 2 hours to the nearest theatre because I really wanted to see the movie on the big screen, I proudly wear kickstarter my t-shirt, I read the books, and like everyone else I wished and waited for more. And then finally, out of nowhere season 4 became a reality. I planned my study schedule around the release date, & freaked out when it got released early, shuffling things around, because finally, we were returning to Neptune. Anyway, we all know how that story ends.

Like many people, I was enraged. New waves of rage wash over me each time Rob or Kristen says something dismissive in an interview. The charaters feel like they’ve been replaced by bizzaro versions of themselves that look familiar but are at the same time unrecognizable, the relationships that made the show special have been cast by the wayside in favor of what exactly I’m not sure. It feels like a betrayal on so many levels. But I think that the hardest part for me is that I find myself ready to give up something that meant so much to me. Beyond the stories, beyond the characters, beyond LoVe, this show in many ways meant a lot more to me than so many of the others that I have loved. It introduced me to so many things that have since become a part of my life; it introduced me to fandom, and because of that, it changed the way that I watch television. It also came to me at a time when life felt really shit and gave me something that made me happy when not much else did. 

So even though it has become a thing which now holds a lot of pain, I’m hopeful that eventually, I’ll be able to find someplace for it in my life, where I can look back on it fondly and appreciate it for what it was, and what it gave me. Who knows when I’ll find that place, and if I’ll still be able to enjoy the other things that have now become crucial to my experience of the show, but I really hope so.

Also, Fuck Rob Thomas. Forever. Literally.

[thirteen-beaxhes]

You Won't Save the Night for Me (Tyrus One Shot)

Inspired by Tove Lo's song 'hey you got drugs?' Where TJ is a famous basketball player and his return to Shadyside makes Cyrus feel more confused than he has in a while

Words: 3987

Idea given to me by the amazing @heart-eyes-kippen and also

@imhereforthetryus here's my play

One more shot. Couldn't hurt. Well, it would, but Cyrus couldn't really bring himself to care about that. It wasn't like he was drinking to forget, although that was what it looked like. He was drinking until the memories were just fuzzy enough for him to distance himself from them. Until they felt like snippets of the scrambled, messed up life of some other sorry soul, and not him.

His parents had always told him one thing, ever since he was a teenager. Don't change, Cyrus. But that doesn't mean don't grow. Don't change in a way that one day when you look in the mirror, you don't recognise the person staring back at you. Well, too late for that. He hadn't changed dramatically, he was still good old kind, reasonable, understanding, Cyrus Goodman. But some of the decisions he had made in his life were things that made him want to punch the mirror in a fit of drunken haziness.

TJ Kippen was one such decision.

And he should never have fallen into the trap, but night time is weird, and after some time, he just couldn't quit. It was a sweet escape, well sweet for TJ and sometimes for Cyrus. But only for a while. Only for a while.

Honestly, curiosity was what pulled him in, but curiosity killed the cat, didn't it?

Cyrus set down the shot glass, the music growing to a deep, pounding trip. Cyrus pushed himself away from the bar, stumbling onto the dance floor. This was a bad idea, but just then, Cyrus couldn't think of anything to deal with everything better than to dance away. Dance away into the night, like he was playing a game. Like it was fun.

'Who can stay dancing the longest?'

A great reality show idea.

Cyrus began nodding his head to the beat, swaying to the music, moving his shoulders, letting the music wash over him like he was washed up on shore, the cold waves running over his skin. He raised his hands to the music, not caring what people thought, because no one cared. To them, he was just another soul losing himself on the dance floor.

As he swayed, jumped, headbanged, Cyrus let his thoughts run wild. And of course, they ran right to TJ.

*

3 years ago

It had been a tiring day at the clinic, and Cyrus had practically sunken into the booth at the Spoon, enjoying his guilty pleasure of baby taters and milkshake. He would've called someone else, but Andi was busy at the craft store, Amber in the boutique she ran beside Andi's shop, and Buffy had moved away a couple years ago. Jonah came by every now and then, whenever he was on a break, or around Shadyside while he was on tour. But that wasn't very often. Cyrus didn't mind though, he was used to it.

He was just about to eat his food, when he heard the door of the Spoon open, and an extremely familiar voice spoke from behind him.

"Still baby taters and milkshake?"

Cyrus smiled, turning around to look at TJ. "Why mess with success?"

TJ laughed, sitting opposite Cyrus as Cyrus laughed softly, shaking his head in disbelief.

"What are you doing here?"

"Can't a guy visit his home town?" TJ asked, narrowing his eyes in amusement.

Cyrus raised his eyebrows. "I just assumed you got too famous for it, Mr Basketball star."

TJ's jaw hung open in mock offense. "Wow, the disrespect on my return!"

Cyrus giggled, looking down, knowing how his cheeks were already turning red. How TJ still had that effect on him after all that time was still a mystery to him.

TJ smiled softly, looking intently at Cyrus. "You're a sight for sore eyes."

"Don't blind yourself, then."

"Don't worry," TJ said with a smirk, pulling out a pair of RayBans. "I can protect myself and still keep looking."

Cyrus rolled his eyes, trying to keep his focus on the taters, hiding his expression. Sure, maybe this had something to do with the fact that all through school, Cyrus had a huge crush on TJ, and there was that one party when he and TJ ended up kissing, ironically, behind a closet. But, that had been years ago, and they had never spoken about the party ever since. It had been written off as a non-event, even though Cyrus wanted to do anything but forget it. But opening old wounds only made them harder to heal.

They had been silent for a while, Cyrus eating his food as TJ kept his eyes fixed on Cyrus, every now and then sneaking a tater. Eventually, Cyrus slammed down a paper napkin.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" TJ asked, feigning innocence. Cyrus raised an eyebrow.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

TJ just smiled, getting out of his seat, much to Cyrus' confusion.

"Wanna watch a movie at my place? It's been a while since we hung out together," He said, holding out his hand to Cyrus.

Cyrus looked from TJ to his outstretched hand, feeling confused, but just a small bit excited. So he nodded, and grabbed his hand.

How a part of him wished he never had.

They went back to TJ's place and were watching a movie, both of them on opposite sides of the couch. But it didn't stay that way for long. It only took an hour for them to be sitting right next to each other, their arms firmly pressed together.

All the while, Cyrus held his breath, unable to stop his heart from racing. Feeling brave, he leaned down, placing his shoulder on TJ's shoulder. Much to his surprise, TJ didn't freak out, going so far to run his hands through Cyrus' hair. He let out a small sigh, placing his hand on TJ's chest as he focused back on the movie.

As the credits rolled, Cyrus didn't want to move from the position he was in, but he knew he had to. He moved to get up, looking at TJ. But as he looked up, his breath hitched in his throat, immediately noting the lack of distance between them. His nose was practically touching TJ's, and his heart was about to burst out of his chest.

"I'm sorry, I," Cyrus stammered, moving back, but TJ grabbed his hand.

"It's okay," He whispered, moving his hand behind Cyrus' neck, looking at him nervously but determined.

Unable to stop himself anymore, Cyrus lesned forward and pressed his lips to TJ's, blowing caution to the wind. TJ immediately reciprocated, pulling Cyrus closer. Cyrus sighed, wrapping his arms around TJ's waist, holding him tight. Somehow, it felt the exact same way it did like it did all those years ago at that party.

After what felt like forever, they pulled away, Cyrus trying to catch his breath, TJ laughing softly.

"Been wondering when you would do that," He whispered, leaning in for another kiss.

And Cyrus couldn't describe anything that could make him feel happier.

They kissed a bit more, settling in for another movie, now cuddled together, and it was no surprise that they ended up falling asleep on the couch.

"I don't wanna go home," Was the last thing Cyrus remembered whispering to TJ as sleep opened its arms to him.

"Then don't," is the last thing he heard, a kiss pressed to his forehead as he drifted off.

*

The sunlight streaming in through the curtains of the room were what ended waking up Cyrus. Well, that and the smell of coffee in the air. Taking in a deep breath, Cyrus rolled over on the couch, only to pat the empty, TJ-shaped space that lay next to him. He say up, looking around curiously to catch sight of him, and spotted him in the kitchen. Smiling to himself, Cyrus got up and walked over to the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe.

"Hey there, stranger," He said softly, and TJ turned around to look at Cyrus, a smile on his face. Cyrus saw nothing wrong, but for some reason, he felt something was off. Like TJ's smile didn't reach his eyes, like he was putting more distance between them than needed. But he just shook his head slightly, pushing those thoughts away. Just sleepiness and overthinking. Not a good combination. Cyrus just settled with walking over to where TJ was pouring coffee into two mugs.

"That was sweet of you," Cyrus said, leaning forward with his eyes shut, a giddy smile on his face.

"I know," TJ said, placing the mug of steaming coffee into Cyrus' hand before walking into the other room, leaving Cyrus hanging in confusion.

What just happened?

"So," Cyrus said, trying to hide the confusion in his voice. "The clinic is closed on Saturdays, so if you want, we can go bowling. Or I heard there are some great movies playing in theatres right now."

"Actually, I have some interviews and meetings and stuff to do over Skype all of today. Team stuff," TJ said, keeping his eyes trained on his phone, as he typed away furiously.

Cyrus tilted his head in confusion at TJ's sudden change in attitude. "Um, okay. I'll go then, don't wanna hold up your work."

TJ nodded, finally looking up at Cyrus. "Is your number still the same?"

"Yeah?"

"Then I'll call you, Cy. I will," TJ said with a small smile, getting up to walk over to Cyrus, pressing a quick kiss to his forehead, easing the crease on it.

At least temporarily.

Cyrus went back, having to confront the mess he had left behind the previous morning when he had left for work. He took a long shower, trying to process everything that had happened over the previous 12 hours. What really puzzled him was TJ's change in attitude from night to morning.

He was just focused on the meetings and stuff. That's all. Nothing to be worried about, Cyrus tried to reason with himself. He decided to finish up on some of his paperwork, aided by a glass of rosé as usual. Whenever he decided to finish write ups and reports, they took all day and always helped keep his mind off things. As the sun slowly went below the horizon, and the sky darkened, Cyrus checked the time on his phone. 7:37pm. Surely TJ would be free then?

Cyrus picked up his phone, finding a text from TJ informing him of his new number. Cyrus smiled to himself, typing out a message to him, sending it with no hesitation.

Cyrus: hey wanna watch a movie at my place? i have netflix so no need to worry :)

TJ: sorry have to pack. flight out tomorrow

Cyrus: oh. well, be safe!

TJ: i will.

TJ: oh and cyrus? can you keep last night on the dl

TJ: thanks for being a great friend

Reading that last message, Cyrus set down his phone, surprised to find his heart sinking lower than it ever had. Friend friend friend friend. He wanted to pretend like it had never happened. The surprises continued when Cyrus found a stray tear rolling down his cheek. He rubbed it away forcefully, pulling himself together, before dragging himself into the bedroom, just wanting to rest.

*

All through the next couple months, whenever Cyrus would walk into the bar, TJ's games would be playing. He couldn't get himself to look at them, even when the crowd cheered in jubilation at every basket he made. With every basket, Cyrus tuned it out that much more. Soon enough, he just stopped going, preferring to stay in the comforts of his house. Andi and Amber noticed his weird behavior and they tried to get him to spill what had happened, but he never said a word about that night.

It had been around 10 months, not that Cyrus was keeping count. He was just watching stand up comedy specials on Netflix, inhaling Cheetos, when he heard the doorbell ring. Furrowing his eyebrows, Cyrus set down the empty packet and paused the special to open the door, immediately wanting to shut it and never be seen by another human being ever again. But instead, he steadied his nerves and looked him in the eye with a neutral expression.

"What are you doing here, TJ?"

TJ shrugged, smiling charmingly. "I wanted to see you. Is your offer of Netflix still up?"

"You're about 10 months late."

"Sorry, I had to go back quick. But, I'm back for a while, and I wanna be with you."

Cyrus knew he shouldn't let TJ in, seeing the emotions he had been experiencing the past few months. But then again, he just wanted to be close to TJ, he couldn't pull away. So, he nodded. Its not like anything would happen. They were friends.

The night transpired exactly as the first night did, the only change in the morning being that when Cyrus woke up, it was to no smell of coffee and no TJ. Just him on his own living room couch. Cyrus sighed, rubbing his eyes. Why did he expect anything different?

But unlike the other times, when he left the house that day to go meet Andi at the craft shop, there was TJ, laughing and hugging her. Cyrus smiled, walking into the store.

"Hey Andi," Cyrus said, TJ turning to look at him when he spoke. "I see you've met the famous person of the group."

"Oh shut up, I'm not as famous as Jonah," TJ said with a laugh, bumping his shoulder with Cyrus'.

Cyrus just shook his head, rolling his eyes. Andi laughed, cleaning the counter space as she spoke.

"What's been up with you TJ? Any special person?" Andi asked, smirling sneakily as she looked between him and Cyrus.

"No, I don't have the time," TJ said with a shrug, ignoring the glare from Cyrus.

So they still were nothing.

Andi looked between them, catching Cyrus' expression, and she couldn't help but feel confused. But she couldn't ask about it because Amber walked in with a squeal, tackling her brother in a bone-crushing hug.

And Cyrus just stood there, smiling, his brain a muddled mess of confusion at what had he just done.

They hung out with Andi and Amber for some more time, but Cyrus swore he caught TJ staring at him more than once, a wink thrown in every now and then. That wasn't helping make the situation any clearer.

As they left the store, Cyrus began walking in the opposite direction to TJ, but he felt his grab his elbow, Cyrus' heart speeding up much to his annoyance.

"Hey, wanna hang out at my place? We can have pizza," TJ said with his characteristic smirk.

Cyrus looked at him, and every single cell in him was screamjng at him to ask TJ about his behavior, to call him out on it. To refuse.

But he wasn't known for being strong, was he?

So he just nodded, and let TJ lead him home.

*

That was how it started, every time TJ was in town, they'd hang out. Meaning, they'd watch a movie as they cuddled, and eventually they would kiss, and every time they did, Cyrus' heart would soar, thinking, maybe this time it's different. Maybe this time it's real. But then, almost every morning after TJ would grow distant, treating Cyrus like the best friends they used to be, like the previous night hadnt even happened. They would talk and joke, even flirt, but anything else would be confined to the night. Then, within 2 or 3 days, TJ would leave, and not come back for months on end, leaving Cyrus to pick up the pieces of anything that happened. They would text of course, but nothing other than what teo best friends would text each other.

Every time, Cyrus tried to bring up the question of what are we to TJ but every time, TJ would change the subject, or kiss him and Cyrus would forget he asked.

But it was starting to get to him. Cyrus could feel himself fall for TJ more and more with every night, the pain of their past fitting into his heart like a shard of glass. And with every morning after, every time TJ left, he twisted it further in.

He should be having the time of his life, getting his friend back, even being able to be with the person he had liked for so long, but it wasn't fun. It felt like TJ had made it a deal, a dance.

Because that's what they were doin, dancing around whatever this thing between them was, was it serious? Casual? Nothing at all? Everything?

Because the only person who had the answers was the reason they needed to be asked.

*

Cyrus kept dancing and swaying, the lights dancing over him in a hypnotic manner. 3 years. 3 years of this unspoken, unexplained thing, that Cyrus had to deal with. And he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't handle any more nights of softness and closeness to only be followed by mornings of distance.

But he couldn't do it because despite everything, he had still ended up falling in love with TJ. How could he have not? Someone like Cyrus had no chance against someone like TJ. How much ever it hurt, Cyrus couldn't help but let himself be swept away by him.

That's why it was so hard and confusing. So Cyrus had taken a stand. When TJ had arrived in Shadyside, Cyrus didn't even hesitate before leaving his house and heading to the club for a distraction. He needed to be alone, he couldn't go back to that cycle.

Cyrus stumbled across the dance floor back to the bar, where he called for 4 more shots. The bartender falshed a concerned glance at him, before pouring him the drinks. Without hesitation, Cyrus downed all of them in seconds, the room suddenly spinning.

The lights were going all funny, everything was funny. Everything was purple, and bright, and loud. Everyone looked like TJ.

TJ. TJ. Where did he live? He lived near the club right? He had to, Cyrus always passed it on his walk of shame home. Cyrus swayed, walking out the door of the club, stumbling along the sidewalk. He didn't really know where his feet were taking him, but he just went with it.

Eventually, by some miracle, Cyrus found himself knocking on TJ's apartment door, the numbers floating in front of his face.

The door opened, and TJ stood there in his glasses, shock painted on his face.

"Cyrus, what, what are you doing here?"

"Why? Can't a guy meet his friend who is in town?" Cyrus slurred, pushing himself into the house, using the doorway for support.

"Well, yeah, but you weren't home," TJ said, confused, narrowing his eyes as he lifted Cyrus' head up. "Are you drunk?"

"No! Just, slightly inebriated," Cyrus groaned, before feeling his stomach go weird. He collapsed into TJ's arms, wralling his arms around his neck.

"Just kiss me," Cyrus said, tilting his head up to kiss TJ. TJ wrapped his arms around Cyrus' waist, but snapped out of it and pulled away.

"Cyrus you're drunk, I can't do that. Come on," He groaned, practically dragging Cyrus to the bedroom.

"It's okay, it's just for tonight," Cyrus moaned, sleep starting to get to him. TJ made him wear one of his oversized hoodies, before laying him down on the bed, throwing a blanket on Cyrus.

"You need to sleep," TJ said, pressing a quick kiss to Cyrus' forehesd before switching off the light.

"I don't wanna go home," Cyrus groaned, his vision soon fading to black.

*

As Cyrus peeled his eyes open, it felt like a supernova had exploded in his brain. He groaned, rubbing his eyes as he rolled over onto his side.

He turned to look at the table to see a hand set down a glass of water and an aspirin. Peering through the blinding brightness, Cyrus sae TJ looking down at him in concern.

"Good morning," TJ said softly, holding out the pill to Cyrus, which he took without much convincing.

Cyrus took a few minutes to adjust to his surroundings, looking around TJ's mostly bare room.

"How are you? You feeling okay?" TJ asked, looking at Cyrus.

"Why do you care?" Cyrus said bluntly, taking TJ back.

"I, I care about you Cyrus," He said, shaking his head in confusion. "Where is that coming from?"

"Sorry, just, headache," Cyrus mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose.

TJ sighed. "It's okay," He said quietly, leaning in to kiss Cyrus, but Cyrus leaned away, remembering the resolve he had last night. TJ furrowed his eyebrows, concerned.

"Don't," Cyrus whispered, holding out his hand.

"Don't what?"

"Don't do that. Don't kiss me, and cuddle with me while we watch movies or compliment me, and act like you want more and then go ahead and become cold and distant the next morning. I don't know how much more I can handle," Cyrus said, his voice cracking, keeping his gaze fixed on the bedsheets.

"What are you talking about, Cyrus?" TJ said shakily, knowing exactly what Cyrus was saying.

"What are we, TJ?" Cyrus asked desperately.

TJ looked at Cyrus, his gaze shifting around the room. He pulled at the skin on his thumb, biting his lip. "We're friends, Cyrus."

"You know that's not all we are."

"But that's what we are, Cyrus! I, I'm not sure if I can handle more. I have this career, and I can't let anything distract me. I need to be in the game."

"Then why did you lead me on?" Cyrus said, a tear escaping his eye.

"I, I didn't," TJ whispered, cupping Cyrus' cheek with his hand. "This just seemed like the best option. The easiest."

"Easy for you," Cyrus scoffed, looking up. "But what about me? What about me TJ? Do you think it's easy for me?"

"I'm sorry," TJ said, looking down.

"No, you aren't. Because you don't get it! You may not want more but, but I do," Cyrus said shakily. "TJ, I love you."

TJ looked like he had been hit by a bat when he heard Cyrus say those words. "Oh," was all he could say.

Cyrus just shook his head, laughing bitterly. "Every single time we did this, and you left, it hurt so fucking much. But I kept staying, because I was addicted. It was a pick-me-up. I thought you could change. But you can't save the night for me anymore, TJ."

With that, Cyrus got up, taking off the hoodie TJ had put on him the previous night and putting it in TJ's hand.

"Wait, Cyrus, please," TJ said, his voice desperate. He got up, grabbing Cyrus' hand and squeezing it. "Please don't go. Please. I'm sorry. This is good, what we have is good."

But Cyrus shook his head firmly. "Yeah, it's good. But I need to resist it. You can keep it if you want, but I'm not letting myself get hurt anymore."

TJ drew a shake breath, leaning in to try and kiss Cyrus, but Cyrus pushed him away, walking away to the front door. TJ ran after him, trying to find something, anything to say.

"Cyrus, please, I," TJ said, stammering. "I love you too. I really do. Please."

Cyrus stopped at the door, his hand hovering over the handle. He turned around to face TJ, his eyes full of tears. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"What can I do to fix this? Just tell me!"

"Time. That's all that can fix this, maybe."

TJ looked away, running a hand wildly through his hair. Cyrus looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold back his tears. But finally, he took a deep breath and looked at TJ.

"Goodbye TJ."

And with that, Cyrus walked away.

~~~~~~

....... I'm sorry did you expect fluff? Also this is terrible I'm sorry

[buffyversefanfiction]

Twisted Tristan

Chapter 4 - B Normal Again

Warnings: I do not own or claim to own the original content to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, “Angel”, the comics or any of the original characters from the “Buffyverse” all rights belong to Joss Whedon.

15 plus, displays of Violence, Gore, Torture, M/M, F/M, F/F.

Buffy, Faith and Willow remained within the underground sewer tunnels completely broken by their loss by Buffy’s loss as Buffy stood there as a heartbroken mother with no idea where her son could be.

“There’s got to be some way to find him Willow some spell that you can do.” Buffy cried. “He’s my son Willow, my baby boy.”

“I really wish there was some way of fixing this Buffy but when I opened that portal, I backed it up with another spell so if we came back and were captured by one of them whoever escaped would be safe.” Willow explained to her as she shed tears of her own for her missing nephew.

“Find some way of reversing the spell Will find some way of opening the portal Willow I can’t lose my son.” Buffy sobbed as Faith remained silent clearly sympathizing for her friends. “He’s just a baby and he’s all alone.”

“I’m so sorry Buffy I really am that spell was supposed to keep everyone safe.” Willow apologised while trying to dry her tears.

“Safe,” Buffy shouted, losing her temper with Willow. “How can my little boy be safe when we have no idea where the hell you dumped in? What if he’s in some demonic dimension? What if he’s already dead?”

“B Willow would never put the kid somewhere that wasn’t safe,” Faith told her fellow slayer in defense of the redheaded witch. “Wherever your boy is now I’m sure he’s safe from the ones who tried to steal him.”

“Faith I’m his mother I should be with him he’s abandoned in some strange place probably crying for me and thinking I’ve just abandoned him.” Buffy replied, heartbroken by the reality of her situation. “He’s never going to grow up knowing that I loved him more than anything that I’d fight for him until my last breath. He’s going to grow up alone thinking he was unloved.”

“I know B,” Faith said as she walked over to the blonde-haired slayer and placed her hand on her shoulder. “But wherever your son is he gets to grow up and live a life it sucks he isn’t with you for now but at least he’s safe from this madness.”

“I’ll look through every spell book search the worlds,” Willow promised Buffy. “One way or another I will find your son and get him back to his mother.”

“No, we can’t go looking for him,” Buffy replied while drying her tears. “Wherever he is I know you put him somewhere safe which means he’s safe from them and if we start looking for him it gives Wolfram and Hart a chance to get their hands on him.”

“I don’t understand Buffy what you want me to do?” Asked a confused Willow.

“For Tristan’s own safety we tell everyone that he died, and we mourn him and try our best to move on from losing him.” Buffy revealed as her voice began to break. “If they think he’s dead they will stop looking for him and he’ll finally be safe from all this chaos.”

“Are you asking us to lie about Tristan?” Willow quizzed her before admitting. “I don’t think I could do that to Xander to Giles to your sister to everyone.”

“Buffy, Angel already lost his chance to raise Connor because of another god dam portal that sent baby Connor straight to hell only to return as a murderous teenager.” Faith said making her disapproval clear. “Angel may not be able to come back from losing another son.”

“We tell no one!” Buffy demanded with a furious tone in her voice. “As far as everyone will now this was the day my son Tristan Summers died.”

Willow walked into the prison style interrogation room at Giles’ slayer rehabilitation center to find Tristan handcuffed in chains to the table looking far from amused to be in this situation.

“I don’t like seeing anyone shackled in chains and handcuffs so for that I am truly sorry,” Willow apologised as she sat down at the table. “But when you have murderous tendencies precautions tend to need to be put in place to stop us all winding up dead.”

“This place is like some of prison and yet these chains aren’t as weak as the ones they used on me in prison.” Tristan replied before going on to ask. “Where the bloody hell am I?”

“My friend Giles prefers to call this place a slayer rehabilitation center prison’s kind of a touchy subject around here.” Willow admitted to him.

“So, basically I’m locked up with a bunch of deranged slayers.” Tristan scoffed. “Figures you lot would come up with a prison for your own kind.”

“Tristan, that’s an interesting choice of name.” Willow responded to him. “Who named you Tristan? Do you have any family?”

“No offense red but I’m not going to sit here and give you the dirt on the ins and outs of my life.” Tristan snapped at the witch. “I suggest you let me go before I have to go to the trouble of breaking myself out which I promise will be a pretty bloody prison break.”

“Tristan you have murdered several innocent defenseless humans not to mention your rather large murder count on slayers.” Willow snapped back at the raven-haired murderer making it clear she wasn’t scared of him. “We are going to keep you here at all costs until we believe that you will no longer be a threat to anyone which is a pretty good deal considering a prison would sentence you to life.”

“I find it hilarious how Willow Rosenberg is talking about me being the threat when your death count is rather intriguing yourself.” Tristan laughed cruelly. “I heard you once skinned a man alive before literally trying to end the world.”

“That was me during my darkest period but I’m not that person anymore.” Willow admitted. “We have helped many people escape their own darkness and taught them how to use their special skills for good instead of evil. I know you just lost the person you love, and I know how hard that is, but we can help you through it through all of it if you let us.”

“What is this some kind of widows club meeting?” Tristan asked clearly not impressed with Willow mentioning his recently deceased vampire lover. “I say you take these chains of me and I test how truly powerful you really are.”

“I know how delicious the darkness can be and I know how hard it can be to pull yourself out of it once it’s taken a hold of you but trust me evil maybe alluring but it costs you far too much.” Willow replied to try and get through to the troubled man. “But when you fight it when you come back from it and get to some form of normal again it helps heal those wounds.”

Willow walked out of the interrogation room and into a hallway within the rehabilitation center to find Faith anxiously waiting for her knowing she was hoping for her to say there was some hope for Tristan’s redemption as Willow feared there was no redeemed this long black haired psychopath.

“If this was a horror movie, he’d be the Chucky to your Tiffany,” Willow said to the redeemed slayer as she walked towards her. “Oh, great now that analogy is going to be giving me nightmares tonight.”

“Okay so what’s the next move then?” Faith asked her eager to know her thoughts about the man she found herself strangely caring for.

“To be honest Faith I think that guy is more in need of a psychologist instead of a witch but you were definitely more scary back in your vicious villain days so if you could turn your life around maybe there’s some hope.” Willow replied hoping to reassure Faith.

“Do you find there’s something off with him?” Faith asked the witch. “For some reason I want him to want redemption more than I wanted my own redemption.”

“Are you sure this obsession for him isn’t because of his name?” Willow asked her.

“It’s not because of some name a thousand other guys have there’s something different about this guy he’s as strong as a slayer yet not a slayer and he’s human it makes no sense.” Faith tried to explain her fascination with the raven-haired man. “Stay here for a bit longer and do your digging thing I need you to find out as much about him as possible.”

“I can’t deny my interest in finding out what this guy is but I should really be getting back to Buffy I don’t like leaving her alone for long especially since Dawn and Xander jetted off with baby Joyce to some weird hippy dimension.” Willow admitted to Faith.

“Come on red Buffy’s been a recluse for three years now and I totally get why but she’s still a bad-ass bitch who is more than capable than looking after herself for a while.” Faith reassured the witch.

“You’re right,” Willow admitted before taking a deep sigh. “I’ll look into this guy, but I make no promises I’ll actually be able to find out anything new.”

For a rehabilitation center specialized in helping slayers reform themselves and seek out to amend their dark path Giles’ slayer rehabilitation definitely looked a lot like prison especially for Tristan who had found himself locked up in a pretty bare prison cell sitting on the floor while bouncing a small bouncy ball against the wall.

“If your hoping to make some great escape by cracking the walls with a bouncy ball you’ll be spending a real long time.” Faith revealed to him as she walked into the room and stood outside of his cell. “You see the guy who runs this place was the watcher to Buffy and me very briefly, so he practically knows all the tricks in the books on how to lock up us super powered folk.

“Us super powered folk live outside of the laws that the normal people push upon the weak or at least we did.” Tristan replied as he stood up and walked over to the prison gates. “Leave it to a bloody watch to try and force laws upon the supernatural.”

“Yeah I’m not exactly a big fan on this whole project but it’s better than letting you go around killing people.” Faith admitted to him.

“I wonder where they keep the less pretty monsters for rehabilitation?” Tristan asked in a sarcastic tone. “Just fucking with you I know whatever you guys don’t consider human just gets dusted or killed without any chance to reform but hey we can’t complain that we’re privileged by looking like humans.”

“Keep an extra eye on this guy.” Faith said to the female slayer guarding Tristan’s cell after walking away from the long black-haired man.

“I’m sorry Faith but we don’t have enough resources to keep any more eyes on him he’s not our only prisoner.” She replied before going on to say. “Client.”

“I’m not asking for a god dam favour I’m making a demand.” Faith shouted at the guard causing Tristan to laugh to himself. “Get one of your prison guard wannabe slayerettes to help keep an eye on this guy before I show you why people don’t tend to piss me off.”

Faith walked back into the hallways of the so-called slayer rehabilitation center to find that this time Willow was the one anxiously waiting for her which could only mean one thing the clever little witch had already found out something about Giles’ latest prisoner.

“This prison rehab or whatever the hell Giles wants to call this place isn’t right for Tristan don’t ask me why I just know it’s not.” Faith said to Willow as she walked over to her.

“I agree,” Willow admitted while looking like she had just seen a ghost. “I agree so much more than you could believe.”

“You found out something juicy, didn’t you?” Faith asked excited to get some new information on Tristan. “What did you find out?”

“Give me a moment,” Willow snapped before Faith noticed the room spinning leaving her feeling dizzy before they disappear out of sight only for the two of them to reappear in the middle of somewhere nearby woods located a few miles away from the slayer rehabilitation center. “This play is far more discreet.”

“Next time let’s try walking here,” Faith said to her as she tried to calm her dizziness caused by Willows’ magic. “Why is this so top secret anyway?”

“Trust me Faith when I say the minute, I found out this info on Giles’ latest prisoner I needed out to get the hell out of sight because nobody can overhear what I’m about to tell you.” Willow revealed to her. “I ran his DNA into the criminal database which I swear gets easier to hack into every year and I found multiple records he racked up along with a bunch of fake names before finding out his surname was Black on his birth certificate only for him to change it himself when he was eighteen but that wasn’t even the strangest thing I found it. I then hacked into several hospital records putting everything online these days really isn’t a smart move and well anyways I found out that his original birth certificate was faked and there was no actual proof of Tristan Black-Summers’ birth.”

“Okay consider me well and truly lost Wills.” Faith admitted to her confusion while trying to work out what Willow was leading towards.

“I then went through all hospital records across the whole of America and found only three living candidates that were blood relatives to Tristan.” Willow continued to reveal.

“You did all that with such a short time Jesus no wonder no-one could beat Buffy back in the day with you by her side.” Faith replied shocked and proud of Willow’s research methods.

“Those three blood relatives were Buffy, Dawn and their father.” Willow divulged completely stunning Faith in the process.

“So, if I’m right little miss goody two shoes has a psycho in the family who literally stole the name of Buffy’s son.” Faith said while trying to make sense of Willow’s findings. “Is he a cousin, a long-lost brother…”

“Come on Faith you’re smarter than that I’m sure you can put the pieces together.” Willow replied while slightly mocking her friend.

“Oh, my freaking god,” Faith answered her as she finally realized. “The portal you put Buffy’s son three years ago was a portal to the past and the boy grew up to be the psychotic prisoner Giles is currently holding who is now only a few years younger than his freaking mother.”

“Tristan Black really is Tristan Summers.” Willow admitted. “He’s Buffy’s son and I have no idea what we’re supposed to do about this.”

Tristan once again found himself chained up and handcuffed to the table in the interrogation this time waiting for the founder of the slayer rehabilitation center wondering if he, Willow or Faith had found out his true identity fearing the truth would be spilled before he was ready to use it as his latest weapon.

“Well if it isn’t my favorite kidnapper.” Tristan joked as Giles walked into the room and sat down at the table.

“I would prefer it if you stop calling me your kidnapper and start calling me Giles.” He replied to him.

“You know what Giles you’re lucky I have a thing for older men,” Tristan flirted with his mother’s former watcher and his mother’s one-night stand. “But next time you want to get a little kinky I think it’s only fair that you’re the one being chained up.”

“Faith seems to have quite the interest in you Tristan why is that?” Giles asked Tristan completely ignoring Tristan’s attempt at flirting.

“The girl is clearly obsessed with me for some reason but she’s barking up the wrong tree.” Tristan told him noticing he was making Giles blush. “You’re much more my type to be honest I bet your wound up tighter than my chains I promise if you’re brave enough to cross the table, I’ll find a way of loosening you up.”

“I want to talk to you about your upcoming psychological evaluation.” Giles said to him in a desperate bid to change the subject.

Faith and Willow took some time walking through the woods nearby the slayer rehabilitation center as Willow explained to Faith that she must’ve sent Tristan when he was a baby into a past in which he was adopted by a family before eventually learning his true identity as they began to puzzle together how Tristan went from an innocent baby to someone so twisted.

“I can’t get over the fact that Tristan Summers should be three years old not in his 20s wanting to kill everyone.” Faith said in disbelief as she tried to understand the complicated turn of events that led them to this situation.

“The only thing that has kept me going that has kept Buffy going is picturing Tristan having this perfectly normal life, but that boy is far from normal.” Willow admitted to her. “I can’t begin to imagine what his life has been like all these years or what he must’ve went through to wind up where he is now.”

“Simple really he fell in love with a vampire very much like his mother then he killed a bunch of slayers not so much like his mother.” Faith joked trying to make light of the situation. “The real question is how the hell did he become so damn strong?”

“Well we know children of slayers don’t usually develop their powers but at the same time we know Connor developed special abilities from being a son of two vampires so if you take into notion his parents are a slayer and a vampire then his strength makes sense which is the only thing about his entire life which actually does make sense.” Willow explained to Faith. “Poor Angel we told him his son had died and now he’s back wanting him dead as much as everyone else.”

“He’s going to hate me for keeping this from him.” Faith feared. “I never wanted to lie to him in the first place I knew it was going to come back and bite us all in the ass.”

“There’s also the worrying factor about Wolfram and Hart I mean if I figured this out with a little research it won’t be long till they work things out and start looking for Tristan again.” Willow worried.

Tristan was once again back in his prison cell bouncing his bouncy ball against the wall harder and harder the sound clearly annoying his female slayer guard who gave in to his annoyance much to his own delight.

“Would you...” She began to ask but before she had a chance to finish her question Tristan launched the bouncy ball into her mouth catching another female guard’s attention who began rushing over to the choking slayer all while playing into Tristan’s hands.

Before the other guard could get to her fellow slayer Tristan quickly grabbed a hold of the choking woman’s neck instantly snapping it before grabbing the keys out of her pocket and throwing her lifeless body onto the ground as the guard look at him in complete shock and horror, Tristan using the remaining guards state of shock to quickly unlock his cell gate and walk out of his prison.

“What the hell did you do you’re monster?” The guard screamed at him before charging towards the callous murderer only for Tristan to push his gate open once again so the gate slammed against her face before the two began to fight.

The fight doesn’t last long before Tristan got the upper hand of the girl, grabbing a hold of her neck and snapping it just like the other guard as the second slayer’s lifeless body fell to the floor.

“Okay listen up bitches!” Tristan shouted down the hall noticing the many slayers in their many cells. “It’s time to get our own back on these bloody bastards for thinking they can lock us up like animals.”

Tristan wasted no time in making a run for it as he ran through an empty hallway before reaching a large window in which he looked out of horrified to discover nothing but a huge drop towards a large ocean before turning back around to see Giles standing in front of him holding a gun.

“No offense darling but I’ve had my fun and now I’m bored so it’s time for me to get the hell out of here.” Tristan told him.

“You killed two of my girls like it was nothing to you.” He shouted clearly furious by his loss at Tristan’s hands.

“You should never cage an animal and expect it to just follows your rules.” Tristan replied with a smug smile. “This little operation of yours is a complete failure.”

“Stay there or I will shoot.” Giles warned him. “I will shoot you.”

“Please you’re boring old librarian trying to redeem a bunch of wayward slayers you’re hardly going to shoot me.” Tristan laughed. “Although I do love it when you flirt with me.”

“You wouldn’t be my first kill.” Giles admitted to him.

“Okay this flirting is getting stale now.” Tristan said as Faith and Willow appeared from around the corner just in time for Giles to fire his gun three times.

Two bullets hit Tristan’s body with force one hitting him in the chest and another in the stomach while the third one hit the window causing the glass to shatter while the force of being shot threw Tristan backwards until Tristan fell out the window causing both Faith and Willow to scream out in horror.

A panicked Faith quickly ran over towards the window desperate to see some sign of Tristan only to be left horrified to see nothing but the ocean.

“I had no choice he already killed two of my girls.” Giles told them before Willow walked over to the former watcher and harshly smacked him across the face.

“You just shot and probably killed Buffy’s son.” Willow said to him with a cold stare completely furious by Giles’ actions. “He didn’t die we placed him in the past to protect him and after all this time we finally found him only for you to kill him.”

Willow left Giles in shock by her revelation as she walked over to the window to stand by Faith’s side as the two girls looked down to see nothing but ocean fearing that Buffy’s son wouldn’t have survived the fall even if he managed to survive being shot.

Tristan’s seemingly lifeless body washed up on the shore of a beach front completely motionless looking like he was dead, but his story was far from over his story was just about to change to the next chapter.

Suddenly Drusilla appeared from out of the nearby woods rushing over to the man she considered to be one of her children before lifting him up into her arms looking at him in the exact same way, she looked at him when he was just a baby.

“Oh no my little baby boy what they have done to you?” She said to Tristan’s unconscious body while continuing to carry him as she walked towards the woods. “But don’t you worry my littler cherub mummy is back now and I’m going to make you all better again.”

[tj-hearteyes-kippen]

looking for love in all the wrong places

a soulmate au where everything you lose ends up in your soulmate’s possession somehow  (on ao3 here)

or: a few times Cyrus was a disaster gay and one time he was still a disaster gay but differently

or: solemates 

Cyrus wasn’t disorganized, per say. Just a little… absent minded. That’s what he was going to call it. His water bottle would slide out of his bag without him noticing until he got home, or he would get too caught up in some conversation to remember his pencil case on his desk. Never big things, just useful ones. He hoped his soulmate appreciated it, cause he’d lost a number of really nice pens.

Cyrus had gotten small hints to his soulmate’s personality, little things that showed up in his room or in his bag that certainly didn’t belong to him. When he was younger, sometime in elementary school, he’d freaked out a little when he thought it was Buffy. He loved her, for sure, but he knew they weren’t meant to be together like that. He’d brought the running shoe to school in a panic, shoving it in Buffy’s face as soon as she got there. “You didn’t happen to lose this, did you? It was in my closet this morning and I know it’s not mine.”

She wasn’t phased. “No, mine dont look like that. Besides,” she said, wrinkling her nose a little, “that looks like a boy’s shoe.”

So. An athletic boy probably. Cyrus could work with that.

He had tried to “accidentally” misplace the shoe later that day so his soulmate could have it back, but the universe didn’t work quite like that. He always found the shoe right where he left it, and he eventually just gave up and brought it back home. He put it in the wicker basket where he kept all of his soulmate’s things, tucked in the corner of his room by his desk.

When Cyrus and Jonah had first met, it was really easy for Cyrus to get a little carried away. For as long as he knew that his soulmate was probably an athletic boy, he didn’t really have any guy friends. But Jonah was a boy, and he played ultimate, and he was really cute and nice and Cyrus would have really loved for Jonah to be his soulmate.

Andi’s soulmate never lost anything that gave her particularly good clues as to who they might be. So it was a little unfair of Cyrus, but he never put a lot of stock into Andi’s crushes. It didn’t really mean anything that she liked Jonah. Not if Cyrus didn’t want it to.

Buffy was generally pretty tight lipped about her soulmate and whatever crushes she did or didn't have, which gave Cyrus’s imagination a lot of room to work. Cyrus would never tell her for fear of death, but when they first met TJ he thought for a second that he could have been her soulmate. He had told Andi this one day and she made him swear to keep that thought to himself. “She would have bothyour heads on a spike. Besides,” she said, turning her nose up slightly, “Buffy deserves better than that jerk.” Cyrus agreed, mostly, but he hadn’t met TJ yet. Once he met TJ though, things were a little different. Cyrus couldn’t explain it. He just knew there was something about TJ that everyone else was missing. He wanted to figure it out.

Anyways, Buffy was less pressed about analyzing the clues and finding her soulmate at this age. She was always trying to be the voice of reason for Andi and Cyrus, reminding them that things would just happen when they were meant to. That was a completely reasonable and logical approach and it was also way less fun. Why would the universe even bother with all these clues if not to overanalyze them?

It wasn't even a particularly dramatic moment, in reality, when Cyrus learned for sure that he had been a little off base. Jonah had reached into his pocket for something, probably his phone, and came back out with a tube of chapstick instead. Chapstick that Cyrus had certainly never owned and therefore couldn’t have lost. “Soulmate,” Jonah laughed. “They lose stuff like this all the time.”

Cyrus laughed along politely but he felt a little crushed inside. It had been reckless to let himself think it could have been Jonah, really, and in the long run it was probably better to find out sooner rather than later. It still sucked.

He pretended to get a text from his mom so he could go home. “Bye Cy-guy!” Jonah said in his usual chipper way, completely unaware of what Cyrus was feeling.

“See ya.” He said back numbly and then went home to lie face down on his bed for the rest of the day. He called up Buffy, later, and admitted the whole situation to her despite his embarrassment.

“It really felt like I was meant to meet him, you know? Now I just feel like I got way too attached to the idea of having him in my life.”

“Sometimes I think the universe gives us people we’re meant to keep who aren’t our soulmates. Like you, me, and Andi. You guys are still friends, Cy. That doesn't have to change.”

“I know. I just thought…”

“I know.”

So. Cyrus was never letting himself do that again.

It wasn’t even that hard to not do it again, once he got over Jonah. He mostly hung out with the same people all the time and he probably would have noticed if it was one of them, he figured.

Instead, Cyrus chose to spend his time imagining the moment he and his soulmate finally found each other. In his head he was very suave and he could only hope that all of this practice being dramatic and romantic would pay off in reality. Maybe it was for the best he hadn't found his soulmate yet. He probably would have said something dumb.

Not to say that he completely stopped thinking about who it might be. Every time they were at one of TJ’s games Cyrus would look at all the boys on both teams and decide if he thought it could be any of them. He was not ogling, despite what Buffy and Andi said.

(Ok, maybe just a little bit of ogling. All he's saying is if the universe wasn't there to pick an athletic boy for him he probably would've done it himself.)

In the end he was really there for TJ though, not his teammates. “Underdog!” TJ said happily as he bounded over after the game. He moved to give Cyrus a hug, but Cyrus was faster than that.

“Uh, no thanks, sweaty basketball guy.”

TJ gave him an exaggerated pout. “But I played so well!”

“Which I will reward you for after you’ve showered.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” TJ said, then noticed Buffy and Andi standing off to the side. “Buffy, Andi,” he gave them a bro nod, “thanks for coming.”

Once TJ had made his way back to the locker room and plans for a post-game meal at The Spoon had been settled, Buffy gave Cyrus a look. “Careful,” she said, and Cyrus genuinely had no idea what she was talking about. He said as much, and Buffy just raised her eyebrows and shook her head, getting ready to head out. “Nevermind. We’ll meet you guys there, yeah?”

Cyrus knew there was more to TJ than everyone initially thought, but it still surprised him sometimes when TJ would show off an unexpected new layer. A freshly showered TJ was at The Spoon talking animatedly about this book he’d been reading, and book nerd is not something Cyrus ever would have pegged TJ for. The author of the book he had been talking about sounded familiar, too, but Cyrus couldn't place them. He told TJ this and TJ just shrugged. “I mean, I’ve probably talked about them before. I love their work, so.”

It wasn’t until he got home that day that he realized where he knew the name from. Cyrus’s soulmate had lost a book by that author before! He thought, a little ridiculously, that he was glad TJ and his soulmate would have stuff in common so they could be friends. TJ had become pretty important to Cyrus, so it would suck if he had to play mediator like he used to have to do with TJ and Buffy.

The next morning got off to an unfortunate start, which is how Cyrus should have known that the universe had shenanigans in store for him that day.

Rats he thought as he rummaged through his bag, realizing his snack had disappeared somehow. As usual, he hoped his soulmate was grateful. They should really thank him when they finally meet. Cyrus only lost stuff that could be useful to anyone. (Except that time he blessed them with a mud soaked shoe, but he liked to pretend that didn’t happen). His soulmate, on the other hand, managed to lose an entire basketball last week. How does one lose a basketball? What was Cyrus even supposed to do with a basketball? He shook his head and headed towards the vending machine to get a replacement snack before his next class.

“Hey,” TJ said, sliding into his usual seat next to Cyrus right before the bell rang. Cyrus smiled at him and then turned his attention towards their teacher.

At the end of the period she explained their homework before dismissing the class. TJ gently kicked Cyrus’s shoes. “Want to work on that together after school?”

Cyrus’s legs were not long enough to kick TJ back from where he was sitting. “Sure! My house?”

“Perfect! Later, Underdog.”

Cyrus knew that he and TJ were always the face of focus when they worked together so he anticipated incredible amounts of productivity from the two of them that afternoon.

...Okay, so maybe the homework had gotten slightly derailed.

TJ was sitting on the floor sifting through the drawers in Cyrus’s desk while Cyrus was trying to make increasingly complicated paper airplanes to throw at TJ’s head. “Hey,” TJ said, apparently out of drawers, “What’s in here?”

Cyrus looked up to see TJ peeking into the wicker basket. “That’s where I keep my soulmate’s stuff.”

“Oh,” TJ sat back. “Sorry, I should have asked before I looked.”

“No, I don’t care. Go ahead.”

Cyrus focused back on his airplane. He gave it a test throw and it turned and went to the side of the room. He got up to get it from the floor.

“Hey, I used to have a pair of shoes just like this! One of them fell out of my bag though and and I could never find it…” TJ trailed off before looking up at Cyrus in stunned silence.

Cyrus turned to see TJ holding the shoe from his soulmate basket and froze. TJ? It couldn’t be. But then he thought about it. TJ was athletic. TJ was a boy. TJ was an athletic boy that Cyrus had an unexplainable bond with since the moment they met and suddenly it all made sense. He wanted to kick himself for being so caught up on Jonah when he met TJ that he had forgotten to overanalyze such an obvious candidate.

TJ was sitting on the floor with the shoe still in hand, frozen in place. He was always cute but the doe eyed look of shock was really, really cute.

Every coherent thought Cyrus had suddenly chose to vacate his head. “Uhhh,” he started and then paused, trying to think of something clever to say. TJ was his soulmate. They would remember this moment forever. “You're welcome,” is what his mouth settled on without consulting his brain.

That was enough to shake TJ out of his stupor, his eyes lighting up as Cyrus could feel his face heating. He slowly put the shoe down next to him and leaned forward with delight. “I’m sorry, did you just say ‘You’re welcome?’”

“Um, no?” Cyrus said, but it was too late. The damage had been done. Cyrus couldn’t believe himself. All that practice and for what?

TJ was way too amused by the whole thing. He had a big, stupid grin on his face as he said, “I mean you’re great and all but that’s pretty confident to assume I would thank you for the honour of being your soulmate.”

“That’s not what I meant!” Cyrus tried to salvage his dignity even though it was long gone and he could tell TJ was just messing with him. “I just meant-- because I lost some pretty good--”

TJ shrugged, cutting him off. “I mean, I would though. I think I got pretty lucky.”

Cyrus warmed at that a little and let the reality of the situation sink in for the first time since he opened his stupid mouth. Soulmates. Soulmates. “TJ, thats… I did too. Hold on, I want to say something really sappy but I need a minute to think before I speak, apparently.”

“Just come here,” TJ said with a laugh and wrapped his arms around Cyrus after he sulked over. Cyrus rested a hand on TJ’s chest and looked up at him, suddenly shy.

“Hi,” TJ said softly.

“Hi,” he said back.

Cyrus forgot to indulge in all of his cliche love story fantasies like counting TJ’s freckles and looking for the flecks in TJ’s eyes as TJ leaned in. Instead, he let his eyes slip shut as TJ pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

At school the next morning Cyrus was excitedly telling Andi and Buffy about how magical it all was when TJ himself came over and threw an arm around Cyrus, handing him a muffin. Cyrus looked up at him happily. Forever. The universe decided he gets to have this forever. Cyrus leaned into his side a little. “Thank you.”

TJ couldn't hold back his grin and Cyrus figured that he was having a similar moment. That is, until he looked Cyrus in the eyes with a wink and very deliberately said, “You're welcome.” Cyrus groaned and buried his head into TJ’s chest. Yup, he did this to himself. He did this to himself and now he was stuck with it forever.

He was looking forward to it.

[visitingthefuneralhome]

BtVS Rewatch: 1x10, Nightmares

continuing my weekly rewatch of buffy with my partner (his first time watching), we watched nightmares last week, immediately after The Puppet Show - while we initially planned to watch the show weekly, he enjoyed The Puppet Show so much that we watched three episodes in a row - TPS, Nightmares, and Out of Mind, Out of Sight (OOMOOS). While I have always thought of this episode as one of the best season one episodes, I ended it feeling a little bored and my partner felt more than a little confused about the mechanics. This episode seems to me to have an issue with growing pains: on one hand, it’s trying to be a Monster of the Week horror movie riff like the previous season one episodes - on the other hand, it’s attempting to be a character study with its focus on its principal characters’ nightmares, transitioning the show towards a more character-based mode of storytelling. The results are muddled and half-baked, but you can see the show attempting to be more, and do more with its characters. Even the theme of the episode - childhood nightmares and intergenerational encounters - seems to be inching towards a character focus, compelling the show to consider its characters more forcefully.

more thoughts on childhood, the role of the Slayer, and the show’s movement towards greatness:

What I did remember of this episode before going in is its middle section, where Buffy encounters her dad and you see her fall apart as he tells her she was the reason her parents broke up. On one hand, this is linked to her Slayerhood and her feelings of isolation and shame over it - this moment is an excellent character study in light of that, and an important gear shift for the character as we begin transitioning into season two. And yet, it’s absolutely mired in the plot of our nightmares coming to life, and so it becomes an archetypal scene for a child learning that their parents split because of them. When Buffy the character is played too much as Buffy-as-metaphor, she loses coherence and depth, and we risk losing that here too, as Buffy Summers fades into Buffy-the-kid.

And this episode is all about childhood! We have two children that centre the episode - Billy the kid who’s been beaten up by his coach, and The Anointed One, who The Master pontificated to at the start of the episode. They counterpoint each other, with the Anointed One’s tutelage from the Master mirroring Billy’s tutelage from Buffy later. Where Buffy approaches Billy as an equal, guiding him and respecting his agency, The Anointed One exists to be taught by the Master about the world of nightmares. Fittingly, the Anointed disappears by the time the Master emerges to kill Buffy.

The issue is, with the focus on childhood, the fears and nightmares that emerge are very much of childhood - Cordelia is dragged away to the chess club, Willow has to sing on stage, Xander goes to class in his underwear. These superficial nightmares of this episode ricochet off the MoTW’s focus on childhood, but end up being a middling character study. We already know Willow’s scared of the stage. We will learn next episode that Cordelia has much deeper fears of isolation and loneliness. Xander’s fear of being naked in class tells us nothing.

What it does do, though, is position Buffy as the one teen emerging into adulthood - her fears rapidly escalate and warp reality around them far more than the others’ do. Buffy’s exceptionalism is highlighted her, and her specific fears of being buried alive and being told that she caused her parents’ divorce position her as a liminal figure, trapped, but also moving, between the world of the adults and the world of the children. When the Master emerges to explain the world of nightmares to her, her previous role of teacher to Billy is contextualized, and her adolescence - caught between two worlds - is highlighted, where the Master is very much placed in the role of the old, the aged, the mature. 

The nightmares of this episode do tell us something about the show, where it’s heading, and why Buffy Summers functions so well as a study of adolescence. The Slayer role gives her the responsibility and depth that sets her apart from other students, and highlight the isolation teens (and generally people) face, the sense that your own concerns and issues are the most pressing, apocalyptic, and world-changing. In this light, the superficiality of other characters’ nightmares are a given. At the same time though, it is a disservice to these wonderful characters who will eventually jostle with Buffy Summers for screentime and development, and it is their current subservience to her growth which renders some of the frustration of this episode.

Also, the episode is just… confusing? The Billy story is surprisingly hard to follow, as my partner pointed out. Why should we care about this kid? Why is his backstory so convoluted? It’s played as a mystery, but it’s not as intriguing or elegant as previous mysteries, and just seem slapped together to give us the character time this episode has. The show will begin to do these perfunctory plots better as the show goes on, but right now, it’s both weirdly simple and overly complicated. As morgue mentions, it’s a pretty missed opportunity - by straying away from the high school, the story risks losing the plot of the show’s original concept, and is just a much less interesting story for it. Not a great look!

[ifeveristoday]

we have always sent children into war

Something I’ve appreciated about Jordie’s writing for the Boom!verse is how consistent she’s been with building on characters and themes - when I think she’s dropped a plot point, it asserts itself in the next issue. While there have definitely been threads that are a little too exposition happy, or heavy-handed attempts at Whedonesque dialogue, on the whole - she understands and sees the earnest heartbeat of the show and infuses her own spin on Sunnydale and its inhabitants. Buffy was a show about human fears and anxieties given form as monsters and curses and a hero’s journey paralleled with a coming of age story.

But it was also a story about a war - the Slayer versus the darkness. Over seven years, Buffy and her friends and family fought and tested their own boundaries and capabilities for darkness and the pursuit of power.

In the Boom!verse, the idea of legacy has been stated from issue one - Buffy has her obvious calling, and Giles has his life long training to be a Watcher, and then Buffy’s watcher. Neither of them is automatically good at it and they’re still figuring what their legacies will ultimately be.

In issue 11, legacy comes back in the form of a conversation between Rose, Kendra and Robin.

Rose is a military brat from a military family - her father and her grandfather both chose it as a career. She shrugs off Kendra’s admiration for her family history by saying that it’s all become second nature and there’s really nothing special about it.

Then she asks Kendra about her father - and Kendra dismisses him as a deadbeat that she doesn’t care about because he didn’t care about her. That she’s discovered there are more important things that concern her - namely her calling as a Slayer.

Robin’s sudden interjection that if there are more important things, why are Rose and Kendra chatting away like besties on a date than - getting to the bottom of the fuckery that’s beset Sunnydale?

Rude, Robin. Also sometimes people just want to live and not dwell on the horrors of life, okay?

It’s also clearly projection: Robin has a loving dad who cares deeply about him - but he also has an apparently long-festering resentment over 1) his mom dying because of her Calling and leaving him, 2) despite ‘Slayer blood running through his veins,’ none of his training matters because the Council didn’t choose him to be a Slayer (is that even possible? #releasethelorejordie) and instead he’s...settled into being a Watcher. His legacy isn’t to follow his mother’s path, and his second nature doesn’t make him ‘special’ enough to do so. So to listen to Rose and Kendra being so casual about their own legacies --- well, it triggers his insecurities, which I’m sure is not helped by the evil toxic masculinity Rage Sweats that have been infecting all the men lately.

Is it a super heavy-handed metaphor for how performative/peer pressured ideals of masculinity is damaging to everyone? and to have the Hellmouth emit evil pheromones causing this a gloss over for real societal problems? 

Probably.

But also TVBuffy fought a literal penis headed monster and Xander ate part of his school mascot while under the influence of a wild hyena spirit and also split into two selves trying to figure out which one was the real him and whatever the fuck the episode Billy was, so I’m going to give Jordie a pass here.

When Kendra calls him out on his overreaction, yet still calling him Mr. Wood (acknowledging her more traditional character and respect for the Council), he loses it completely when she tells him to not go off on his own - it’s dark and also it’s Sunnydale where people die in inexplicable evil-adjacent ways.

He retorts that he doesn’t need a mother and that he doesn’t need you -

hello, Parental issues. It wouldn’t be a Whedonverse adjacent property without someone’s parental issues. Robin is wrong of course - he does need Kendra because he’s her Watcher, and he’s (understandably) mad about his mother.

Rose and Kendra puzzle over Robin’s sudden hulk rage, but go back to figuring out what’s rotten in Sunnydale and how much Buffy’s absence is felt - even though they’re auxiliary Scoobies at this point, Buffy is what brought them together. Kendra brings up the general loneliness of a Slayer - she has to keep her identity secret, she doesn’t generally ask for help re: Life things, and the regimented nature of Slayerhood really makes me think about the similarities to a soldier’s life.

And Rose being a soldier’s child would be the perfect person to empathize with. I don’t have personal experience, but I do have friends who have served in different branches - and when I was living overseas, the country I lived in had mandatory army service for the men. 

I’m not going to get in too deep about the whole troubling military complex that America has and how the business of war built this country or how it preys disproportionately on POC and lower-income people, or how when veterans come back, the services in place for them are lacking and how in general soldiers are good people who believed in the ideals of peace and protection while the realities don’t often match up with the propaganda...but you know. 

Slayers are child soldiers who are sworn to protect a world at large that doesn’t know they exist or what they really do. But it also goes along with the real-world tradition of sending children into war - in the US [currently], you can legally join at 18 without a parent’s permission or 17 with a parent’s permission.

Think about back in history, before 18 was considered a legal adult.

So we have always sent children into war - but Jordie really emphasizes that the Scoobies are children fighting something they don’t really understand, and there are no adults around (hello, Show also did this but also because Adults are not actually people in the 90s) to guide them, which adds to the anxiety.

Giles is all Rage Sweated out, Jenny is probably taking well deserved time for grading papers and chilling with her cat (h/t @jenny-calendar) and it’s up to Xander and Willow, as the OG Scoobies to figure out what to do, now that Buffy’s disappeared.

And oh, her disappearance has taken an emotional and physical toll - Xander’s been patrolling every night, with some assistance from Willow - it doesn’t seem like she’s been doing it nightly though. He’s tired and upset, and Willow’s upset she didn’t get to say goodbye to Buffy and they’re both hurting in their own ways and also not talking about what’s really bothering them, which is only tangentially connected to Buffy’s disappearance.

Willow and Xander’s bond has always been a key element to their characterizations and relationships with others - they’ve been ride or die from childhood, and now that they’re sharing a soul has made this closeness even more significant.

Which means when they fight, it’s to the bone. Xander’s previous issues of feeling lonely and ignored by others - and not being listened to manifests itself against Willow’s need to share and vent, but not actually listen - it gets ugly really fast.

Xander accuses Willow of being selfish and the reason she broke up with Rose is that she couldn’t handle the mundane realities of working hard at a relationship when she had the more exciting side-gig of fighting at Buffy’s side - which Willow angrily denies. Xander then rips into Willow’s need to be praised and liked, and suddenly brings up the possibility that she’s doing this to impress Buffy, which is stupid because she’s not here and also, she won’t ever make the gay love with you -

and Willow calls him out on his need for love and validation, that he falls for any girl who’ll give him ‘the least amount of attention.’

And Xander vamps out - if this is what Willow really thinks, that she’s always seen him something pathetic

which snaps both of them out of their fight.

Xander admits he only goes vampface when he’s really angry and he can’t always control it, but when he is - he feels better. Which is really concerning.

Xander goes on to say when he’s human, the anger has been harder to ignore, that there’s something dark calling to him and it makes him want to hurt Willow - and she confesses that she’s been feeling weird all the time as well.

Is their soul tie working against them? 

And the fact that Xander in vampface feels more comfortable than when he’s being human and more prone to Rage Sweats -- that’s gotta be significant.

Kendra interrupts their heart to heart and tackles Xander to the ground, which leads to a few bits of hilarious misunderstandings, but also the bombshell that Buffy is dead.

According to Robin, a new Slayer is only called when the previous one dies - which means Buffy must have died.

There goes my whole ‘they are a slayer theory’ but I was expecting it to go that way. In an earlier post - or possibly just a conversation with @jenny-calendar, I was thinking out loud that because Buffy has passed into the Hellmouth, she is no longer of the living plane, so she’s considered ‘dead’ aboveground. Obviously, she is not dead no matter what the misleading summaries future comics say, but she is not among the living.

Semantics aside, everyone is fucked up from hearing this - Willow and Xander turn on Robin, insisting he’s wrong and that it’s a sick joke, which causes Robin’s final form: teary-eyed Rage Hulk Hellmouth McGuffin. He says he didn’t ask for any of this, that he’s already lost so much - his mother, Buffy (which seems rather strange considering he was blanking her the whole time after he infiltrated her friend group and there didn’t seem to be any more flirting/sparkage in the lead up to Hellmouth) and more importantly - his chance to be a Slayer.

He’s railing against the fact he’s stuck with a Slayer that doesn’t know what a real vampire is, that there’s nothing special about her - and it’s obvious that even though his words are coming from a dark ugly place, there’s the feeling that Robin feels entitled to his rage and disappointment.

Kendra’s aware something’s gravely wrong with Robin and tells him calmly that she doesn’t want to hurt him but like every villain at the peak of missed-redemption moment, he says he feels perfect. And the last bits of rationality exit his body and he calls on the Evil Bro Squad to surround the Scoobies.

And triggers Xander’s kill switch - apparently the darkness that Xander’s human side was feeling? That’s because his demon soul is tied to the soul that infected all the men of Sunnydale and turned them into misogynistic meat puppets.

Dunn dun dun -- it’s the Hellmother.

Xander pushes back, but he’s disturbed by how strong it feels and what’s keeping him from going completely evil Frat boy?

Kendra tells them they have to fight and they’ll figure out the details later - and they’re doing their last stand in some stunning colored horror-inspired panels and it doesn’t look good for our heroes when....

WHACK.

Anya brains Robin with a croquet mallet like some white-suited queen of hearts and snarks, “Great. Now I have to fight teenagers to save the world again.”

A surprise boss appears - is Anya going to be the final Adult and help the Scoobies out of the mess they’re in?

Did she even really leave? Was that rabbit that was skulking in the grass from earlier issues really her?

Once more, Jordie leaves us on a cliffhanger.