#nightramblestm

[audhdnight]

Just thinking about the common experience of late diagnosed disabled people of “the normal amount of pain is none” and how we’re just supposed to know that despite *some* level of pain being OUR normal for our entire lives, even if it’s usually not super bad it’s just always there.

Thinking about how, when I told my mother this, she asked me “So what’s hurt?” Which is very different than “what hurts?”

I looked at her, confused. “Nothing is hurt. I just hurt.”

And she says “But where do you hurt?”

“Well, right now it’s my stomach and my ankles-“

She cuts me off. “So you twisted your ankle?”

“No,” I say. “My ankles just hurt. I’ve been walking today.”

Now it’s her turn to look confused. “Just walking doesn’t make your ankles hurt. You must have sprained them or something.”

But I shake my head. “Nope. This just happens on days when I walk more than a little bit. My ankles hurt first, then my knees by lunch time. And if I don’t take a nap and stay on my feet all day, my hips will be hurting too.”

“Oh.”

Joint pain is my normal. Sometimes, if I barely walk all day, the ache in my ankles is barely noticeable and doesn’t affect my functioning because I’m used to it. If I do what most able-bodied people would consider to be a “normal” amount of walking, almost all of my joints will hurt by supper. If I have to wash dishes or run any errands, I’ll hurt so bad I can’t walk for the rest of the day.

Then there’s the chronic migraine attacks. I used to have them multiple times a week as a child, and no matter how I explained myself, nobody ever understood that they weren’t just headaches. I experienced those too, and frequently, but they were not the same. Thankfully, at the age of eleven, I found an article explaining migraine triggers. I was able to identify a few of my own triggers, and the frequency of my migraine attacks reduced to maybe a couple a month. For a few years I was basically on cloud nine, I’d never experienced such a lack of pain before and it was so freeing. Unfortunately, migraine is a progressive condition, so the attacks have gotten more frequent over the years.

And then there’s the “random” pains. Some mornings I wake up and my stomach hurts. Or my chest. Or my back. These are just things I have to live with, because my body’s connective tissue is… well, for lack of a better word, faulty. And I never knew that other people didn’t experience this, because how could I? We never talked about it. Sometimes I’d hear people complain about back aches and just assume they were like mine. Of course, I knew that injuring yourself could cause muscle aches, obviously. But I just assumed that *most* of the time, other peoples bodies hurt like mine did. I didn’t realize that humans aren’t supposed to “just hurt” without a connected incident.

And when I try to explain this to able bodied people, their response is always the same. “Well, everyone’s back hurts sometimes.” “Everybody gets headaches sometimes.” “You’re not special just because you’re too lazy to walk. I still go to work when I don’t feel good.” And no matter how many times I try to say that No, you don’t get it, I *always* hurt, they still brush me off and dismiss me.

[audhdnight]

The reason calling women “females” isnt okay is the same reason calling black people “blacks” or trans people “transgenders” isn’t okay.

Notice how the missing word is “people”. When you take off that word and change the term from a noun to an adjective, you strip the humanity from the term.

“Female” isn’t a noun, just like “black” and “transgender” aren’t nouns. Female what? Female human? Female frog? It could be anything.

You aren’t calling women “females” because it’s sCiEnTiFiCaLLy aCuRaTe. You just don’t see them as people whose humanity is worth acknowledging.

But I know this little grammar lesson will probably go right over the heads of anyone it’s actually targeted at - seeing as y’all can’t grasp the concept of pronouns I don’t really expect you to understand adjectives.

[audhdnight]

Hazel and Frank, finding out they both speak French, and trying to use it when they don’t want anyone else to know what they’re saying, only to discover that New Orleans French and Canadian French are so different they can’t understand a word of what the other says. Percy and Leo rolling around on the floor at Frank’s confused face while Annabeth and Piper share a grin in the corner, and Jason’s just as confused as Frank.

Annabeth and Hazel doing each other’s hair, and both of them helping teach Piper new braids. All three of them practicing on Leo, who pretends it’s against his will but is actually really glad for the company and for the platonic physical contact. Percy walking into the room to see what everyone is up to and immediately getting pushed into a chair next to Leo and becoming another mannequin.

Jason and Annabeth and Frank plotting battle strategies together, swapping stories of their adventures and the antics of their friends, starting a “who’s best friend did the dumber thing” battle. Jason and Annabeth studying together because Jason promised to build those shrines and Annabeth knows so much about architecture.

Piper and Percy teasing each other relentlessly, playing pranks (Piper always pretends she’s not involved, because she’s obviously above that). Percy and Piper vying for Annabeth’s attention, even though they both know it’s only a joke and her heart belongs to Percy.

All seven of them having movie nights with a projector Leo rigs up, and one of the first requests is King of Sparta. Piper dies of embarrassment, Annabeth spends the whole thing wondering why people even find Piper’s dad attractive, and Percy and Jason end up quoting lines from the movie at each other for the rest of the week.

[audhdnight]

Quick little PSA because I keep seeing confusion on this topic:

“Allistic” simply means “NOT autistic”.

It DOES NOT mean you are neurotypical. It is not a bad thing. It’s not some kind of accusation that you need to be defensive about (literally saw someone throw a huge hissy fit about being “lumped in” with neurotypicals by an autistic creator).

You can be neurodivergent AND allistic, if your neurodivergence is ANYTHING OTHER than autism. You can have OCD, schizophrenia, adhd, anxiety, DID, or literally anything else. As long as you are not autistic, you are still allistic.

Please stop using allistic as a synonym for neurotypical. Please stop acting like it is an attack if someone refers to you as allistic if you know you do not have autism.

That is all.

[audhdnight]

You know, I’m firmly in the camp of “don’t trust celebrities in general” because so many of them are shitty people (either openly or not-so-secretly), but I really hate when yet another celebrity is outed. Because it SO QUICKLY goes from genuine fans being sad and actual commentary on the situation - or even just “yeah I kinda always had a feeling about them”- to racism, misogyny, fatphobia, etc.

I 100% think that we need to hold people like Doja Cat and Taylor Swift and Lizzo and Ariana Grande accountable for their actions, but I am so fucking sick of seeing all the brainrot incels come out of the woodwork thinking it’s their time to shine, and just shitting all over these women for being women, for being fat, and/or for being black.

Just because I don’t like or support someone doesn’t mean I want to sit and listen to you spout vile hateful bigoted shit about them. Because guess what, all that stuff you’re saying applies to billions of good people. And if you think it’s okay to be racist and misogynistic and fatphobic to bad people, it is ONLY EVER because you are a racist, a misogynist, and a fatphobe.

It’s like when people think it’s okay to misgender or deadname a trans person just because said trans person turned out to be an asshole. That is not okay. And it’s not about “respect” for the person, it’s not about consideration. It’s because misgendering someone (intentionally) is wrong.

Right now the only celebrity I have even a shred of hope left for is Daniel Radcliffe

[audhdnight]

Me: I don’t think I stim, at least not that much

Also me for the last 20 years:

Walks on toes when thinking hard or feeling jittery

Taps out repeating patterns with fingers and toes when feeling social anxiety

Repeats big words over and over in my head when unable to clear intrusive thoughts

Wiggles isolated leg muscles when overwhelmed by loud noise

Rubs hands in circles on carpet when trying to speak clearly with friends

Chews lips and fingernails constantly

Listens to the same song for hours on end when tired or upset

Repeatedly puts hair up and takes it down again when trying to focus

Intentionally makes limbs/hands fall asleep when bored so the tingly feeling acts as a distraction

Paces constantly

Always has to have a show to watch when trying to do anything productive (almost always Criminal Minds)

Can’t fall asleep without rubbing feet together or wiggling toes for several minutes

Stays on the merri-go-round until physically sick

Does consecutive summersaults on the trampoline until dizzy

Wiggles fingers when excited

Conductor hands to music

Bounces excessively when enjoying music

Compulsively reorganizes bookshelves and desk and art supplies and collectibles when bored/understimulated

Rubs face to the point of causing rashes when thinking hard or overwhelmed (usually this happens when I’m driving)

[audhdnight]

Btw, if a disabled or mentally ill person (or honestly just anyone who’s really burnt out and exhausted with life, such as caregivers) tells you that they have to use disposables to clean and function in their day to day life, and your response is anything remotely like “well you’re a horrible person because that plastic you just used is killing the planet” I need you to know that you are ableist, classist, and just a shitty person, and I hate you.

Yes, I know that using paper towels and Clorox wipes is not as sustainable or healthy for the ecosystem as just using regular towels and rags. However, I am fucking exhausted all the time, and if I use regular rags, I will not have the energy to clean them. They will sit in my kitchen and get moldy and have to be thrown away anyway. And then my family is living in unsafe conditions because we’re breathing mold spores.

Additionally, we are fucking poor. We don’t have a washer and dryer. If I want to do laundry I have to load it all up in my car, drive across town to the only laundromat, spend most of my day switching things over and waiting for machines to open up, spend about thirty bucks (probably more, because the dryers are shit and never actually dry things on the first cycle), load everything back into the car, drive back home, and then sort and fold and put away everything I just washed.

That is not feasible most of the time, because I am disabled, I don’t have that money to spend, and I am the primary caregiver for our baby who has extreme sensitivities to changes in our routine. I can’t just take him to the laundromat with me, and I don’t have anyone to watch him while I go. Most days I’m not physically capable of carrying baskets of laundry to and from my vehicle. And again, we can not afford the laundromat. Anything that I can do to reduce the amount of laundry we need to wash in a month, I’m going to do.

All of this to say, please for the love of god consider that there are literally thousands of reasons someone might not be doing “clean living” or choosing the most eco-friendly option all the time. We can’t all cut out disposables. I already feel guilty enough that I can’t just function like a normal person, you do not need to butt in and make it worse.

If your activism for the environment and the earth goes so far as to make you apathetic to the struggles and needs of the real actual people around you, you need to reconsider where your morals lie.

(It’s also worth noting that every regular person on the planet together does not generate ANYWHERE NEAR the amount of plastic and toxic waste in a year that mega corporations do in a matter of weeks or months. I’m not saying that the average man doesn’t need to make as many good and healthy choices as they are able, but seriously, most of us are not the real issue here. Go fight the logging and fracking companies killing the ecosystem. Go attack the capitalist mega-corps like Walmart and Amazon and Disney and Apple that discard so much plastic they are almost single-handedly killing the oceans themselves.)

[audhdnight]

I think it’s funny that some people think Nico and/or Will were “out of character” in TSATS and that’s a good reason to hate their story.

Like seriously… did we read the same book? Literally the only difference is that Nico is slightly less doom-and-gloom-y WHICH HAPPENS WHEN DEPRESSED CHARACTERS EXPERIENCE CONSISTENT JOY AND SAFETY AND COMFORT AND LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.

The only characters I personally felt you could make a case for being OOC are Chiron and Dionysus. And even that’s pushing it. Besides, an entirely new author was involved in their existence for the first time ever and that author is naturally going to have their own personal voice that comes out in their writing. Of course they’re going to have differences to the OG versions of themselves that were introduced nearly twenty years ago.

In conclusion: disrespectfully, shut the fuck up.

[audhdnight]

Me: *suffers for years from symptoms I can’t treat because I don’t know the cause*

Me: *finally gets diagnosed with x disability* Yay! Finally I know how to take care of myself!

Also me when my disability continues to disable me and doesn’t magically disappear because I got a diagnosis:

[audhdnight]

Y’all I know it’s incredibly compelling to think that Percy didn’t forget Annabeth because he’s INCAPABLE, but I have another idea that I always kind of assumed was cannon until I spoke to other fans and realized I was so not under the same impression as everyone else.

(And this isn’t even to say that he could forget her. Maybe if Hera tried, it wouldn’t have worked.)

Personally I think Hera left Annabeth in Percy’s memory on purpose, and I think she did the same with Jason’s memory of Thalia.

Think about it: she doesn’t have the greatest track record with demigods. Most of them either barely tolerate her, are indifferent to her, or outright hate her. And as soon as she begins appearing to Percy and Jason, she gets on their nerves immediately.

I think she foresaw a VERY likely scenario in which Percy and Jason BOTH went “actually, fuck u” and didn’t bother to continue/play along with her hairbrained plot. And even if they’re both noble heroes who probably wouldn’t do that, Percy actually does think along those lines in Son of Neptune.

I think Hera wanted insurance that they would both feel the NEED for answers. She left Percy with the love of his life and Jason with the sister he missed, so that they would be compelled to find these people.

[audhdnight]

We’ve all recognized the irony of Chad singing “I Don’t Dance” whilst in the middle of a dance number, but when you pair that with the queer/coming out subtext of the HSM franchise, you get Chad essentially saying “I’m not gay” whilst flirting (heavily) with Ryan. And I love that a million times more.

[audhdnight]

I love Tui T Sutherland and the Wings of Fire series so much, but I will never forgive her for ROBBING us of the Winter/Quibli/Moon throuple.

I mean seriously, Winter and Quibli have the most chemistry of literally anyone in the entire series AND FOR WHAT

[audhdnight]

Just found out my favorite care bear is trans and so maybe actually there is some good left in the world

[audhdnight]

Me, adhd as fuck: I’ll definitely remember to take my meds tomorrow

My partner, also adhd as fuck: if you forget I’ll remind you

[audhdnight]

Because apparently this needs to be said, the right way to combat rude fatphobic comments online IS NOT to say “you’re one to talk, you’re just as big as she is” or “you could stand to lose a few pounds too” or “worry about your own fatass”

YOU CANT COMBAT FATPHOBIA WITH FATPHOBIA YOU IDIOTS

[audhdnight]

So what if it’s a phase. Do the phase. Be happy in the phase. Learn and grow from the phase. Then move on to the next phase (or stay in the current phase, I can’t tell you what to do).

Why is being queer always treated like some trend or fad that will pass and then you’ll regret it? Like no? Even most detransitioners (obviously there’s the shit ones who help transphobes but that’s not who I’m talking about) are happy with the way they lived in that period and don’t want to undo what happened or the experiences it gave them.

You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to be fluid, inconstant, ever-changing, and multifaceted. You can be cis but gay one day and trans but straight the next. Next month you could be agender. You could swing wildly back and forth on the aro spectrum for a while and then just go unlabeled if you felt like it. Use the microlabels if it makes you happy. And don’t ever let anyone invalidate you and your experience just because they think it’s a phase.

Because guess what - most of the time it isn’t. And even when it is, that is not a bad thing. Phases are there for a reason; they exist for you to be in and then move on from when you’re ready. Nobody is telling cells they aren’t really reproducing just because they went through phases to become two instead of one (don’t ask me the names of the phases I hated that unit).