#no more getting attached to men you cant have

[stillhaventgotmydriverslicense]

I'm sorry for the way I've been handling things

i like you. you don't like me. i cant change that. you don't like me and you're the villain in my head but I like you and that is MY problem.

I'm sorry but I don't really know why cause I've handled it in every single way I could have and all of them were wrong. i regret you all the time. i think that's my thing, regretting all the love I gave away too soon to people who didn't even want it.

you are not the villain. you're not even a part of this story. you're not wrong and you're not evil and it still hurts and it's still true and I'm not some victim but sometimes people fall and break a bone and it hurts and theres no villain or victim but it still hurts. I'm not an awful person pretending to be a victim just because I'm crying about my pain. but that's all you'll ever see the crying for, as me trying to be the victim, so no more crying.

[zeldasnotes]

SQUARE OBSERVATIONS 🪽

Read before you proceed: These are my personal observations and not facts. The whole chart has to be taken into consideration.

Mars Square Jupiter can make someone super ambitious but it can also make someone lazy bc they want what they want NOW. And if they cant have it instantly they might be like ”f*ck it then I dont want it” and therefore dont work for it. But on the other hand these people are experts on how to find a quick way to get stuff, waiting is not for them.

Mars Square Neptune can give someone a beautiful body language. The way they walk, dance and move in general can be mesmerizing. Like a balet dancer.

If you date a Venus Square Moon/Lilith man you will know the meaning of the quote “Half of me is beautiful, but you were never sure which half.” — Ruth Feldman, “Lilith”. He got different types of archetypes in his head fighting and you will only fit one of them.

People with Sun Square Mars are some of the most ambitious people you can find when they stop putting focus on worthless competitions with other people and instead put that energy into their goals.

Sun Square Moon is having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Whatever choice you make the other half of you disagrees with.

Venus Square Pluto attract powerful people very easily. If you check the charts of the wives of the most powerful men in the world you will see this aspect pop up in a lot of the charts. Trophy wife aspect.

Venus Square Ascendant can make Venus very turned off by Ascendant behaviour. As a Cap Rising most Venus in Aries men were very turned off by my boring, stoic and calm behaviour.

Sun Square Mars in synastry very often leads to conflict from what Ive seen.

Ive noticed that people who have Moon or Venus Square Pluto had a mother who had a hard time bonding with them when they were babies or the mother suffer from post partum depression . Bc of this some people with these aspects experience an obsession with women since they have an inner inexplainable hunger for a motherfigure.

A situation Ive seen in the charts of some guys with Lilith Square Venus was that they hang around socially acceptable people(Venus ppl) but tend to fall for women who are considered not socially acceptable(bad rep etc, typical Lilith women) so their love life clash with their friendships and social life unless his friends learn to accept their partner.

Moon Square Pluto people have very strong reactions to others. Sometimes its their intuition but sometimes its just pure projection. Can be very quick to judge.

Getting into a relationship with someone with Sun Square Ascendant can be a real shocker bc you saw one thing and you got something else. That carefree, swaggy straighforward Aries Rising with Cancer Sun guy you met at the bar turned out to be much more passive aggressive, grudgeholding and sensitive than he seemed at first sight.

Mars Square Uranus = 0 to 100 real quick. They can get stuff done fast tho! Geniuses when it comes to fighting too.

Juno Square Venus people have a tendency to meet a partner who fits their Venus and then try to change them to become more like their Juno. For example someone with Venus in Aquarius Square Juno in Taurus meets and Aquarius Rising woman and falls for her because she is so unique, free spirited and how she goes against traditions. But when he gets her he tries to make her more traditional and might shame her uniqueness.

People who are into men and have Juno Square Mars like one kind of man in bed and another kind of man for relationships. They have two types which can be very hurtful for the guy they are into. (Im not saying they will cheat im just saying they are never satisfied)

If you want an honest answer ask someone with Mercury Square Mars. They will tell you.

People with Neptune Square either Venus or Ascendant are the most likely to have absolutely no idea how they look like.

Ceres Square Pluto can indicate someone who becomes obsessively attached to anyone who makes them feel the slightest feeling of nurture. They might baby others or want others to baby them.

Venus Square Jupiter people are so loving and generous. They really love giving.

Venus Square Saturn NEEDS to be respected and to be ”somebody”. Respect is so important to them.

Venus Square Uranus make the craziest outfits work. They have you like ”What the helll is she wearing?? But it looks kinds good…?”

Venus Square Neptune = The cool girl monologue ”Nick and Amy will be gone. But then we never really existed. Nick loved a girl I was pretending to be. Cool girl. Men always use that, don’t they?  As their defining compliment. She’s a Cool girl. Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry at her man. She only smiles in a chagrin loving manner and then presents her mouth for f*cking. She like what he likes.”

© 2023 Zeldas Notes

[star-girl69]

American Teenager

Clarisse La Rue x Fem!Demigod!Reader

—-

synopsis: you get caught in the crossfire of clarisse’s anger, and have to convince clarisse you love every part of her.

a/n: i took over a year off, cut you bitches some slack…… TELL A FRIEND TO TELL A FRIEND… SHE’S BAAAAAACKKKK!!!!!!!!!

for those who do not know, i changed my theme. yes it is me. do you like it 😀

American Teenager - Ethel Cain

warnings: NOT BETA READ!!!, ending sucks yet again but i cant be bothered, y/n gets PUNCHED!!!!!!, creepy men, violence, very sad clarisse, IT IS VERY HARD FOR HER TO TALK ABOUT HER FEELINGS BUT SHE TRIES, swearing, usual demigod stuff, tell me if i missed anything!!

—-

Clarisse is angry.

She has been angry all of her life, you know that. She was born with a fire in her veins that came straight from her godly father, potent and rolling around inside of her like a storm, a rabid dog biting at a cage, and nurtured over the years by a stern mother.

Clarisse was a recipe for destruction, for pain, for suffering. That’s what most people thought she was. They all thought she was her father’s daughter- full of fire, and she would never be anything else except the mean bully all the campers had grown to somewhat resent.

But she was more than that. She was your girl, she was everything you wanted and had prayed for years for. You knew she was angry, you knew she carried regret in her heart, you knew she ate up anything nice inside of her long ago.

But you didn’t care.

You gave her some of your own softness, your own nicety, drew it out of her with soft touches and sweet words, until she learned to love you and believed that she was the girl you always saw hidden inside.

Clarisse is angry.

You know that, you know the harsh girl you fell in love with, and you know the sweet girl she really is.

So, it’s no surprise to you that Clarisse has spent the entire afternoon glued to your side, glaring at anyone who walks by- but particularly her brother, Caden.

Caden has some sort of inferiority complex coupled with extreme sexism. He couldn’t stand the fact Clarisse was better than him, that she was the camp counselor instead of him. She had received her beloved spear from their father, he had no gifts to show.

Somewhere in his fucked up head he realized he couldn’t force his father to notice him, couldn’t uproot Clarisse from her counselor position, and though the next best thing was to go after you.

It started with glances that lasted too long, then subtle touches during camp activities, then actively flirting with you when Clarisse wasn’t around.

The only reason Caden had been allowed to this for this long was because you didn’t want to tell Clarisse and be responsible for what could very possibly be Caden’s death. You felt dirty, having his hands on you, barely-hidden sexual remarks whispered in your ear, his eyes on you- practically undressing you.

Clarisse would kill him if she knows what he’s done, how it makes you feel. And you really don’t want blood on your hands, so you avoid him as much as possible and attach yourself to Clarisse.

It’s a rare afternoon that you both have free, and it’s snatched with greedy hands and stretched out long like molasses, the two of you move slow and leisurely, try to sink into this time together.

You promised your sister you would help with the arts and crafts class she runs, spewing something about how you’re the best at making friendships bracelets- but really, her usual partner is on a quest and taking care of the rowdy 12 year olds is not an individual task.

So, here you are, sitting at a picnic table and making sample bracelets, feeling the sun on your face and Clarisse’s arms around you. She sits sideways, her front pressed against your side, straddling the bench. She watches the way the sun hits your face, the way your fingers move swiftly as you continue to bead and tie together.

There’s been this pit in your stomach since Caden started his advances- like a new organ had formed inside of you, pure black instead of a usual pink flesh. A physical form of all your guilt and disgust, filled with the dirt like you felt like.

It’s still there, even through the gaps of hot sunlight, the cooling shade of the tree above, but it’s easier to ignore when Clarisse is there. It’s easier to ignore, but it’s still there.

“I don’t understand how you’re so good at those,” Clarisse mumbles. She kisses your shoulder and you dig your feet into the dirt, smiling to yourself.

“I don’t either,” you smile. “What can I say? I’m the queen of friendship bracelets.”

“Ha,” she says, somewhat sarcastically, but you can hear the fond, loving smile in her voice. “How much longer?” she asks.

“Two more. Maybe 10 more minutes?”

“Okay,” she hums, drawing out the word. “Wanna get somethin’ to eat after this?”

“Yeah,” you say, looking away from the bracelets for just a second- to admire her like she gets to admire you.

“Nah, nah, you better finish those bracelets so I can have all your attention on me again.” She presses her face against yours, pushing you to face forward again and focus.

She departs with a kiss to corner of your lips, and you wonder if you really need all six example bracelets, but you know your sister would kill you if you didn’t show up tomorrow with six. You sigh and turn back to your bracelets, listening to the sweet sound of Clarisse laughing.

“Okay,” she says, leaning closer to you after a minute. “I’ll be back in a few, okay? I’m just gonna go change into shorts.”

“Okay,” you smile, and she squeezes your waist as she stands up. The feeling inside of you sinks in even more, the blackness in your stomach, but you focus on the feeling of the sun and her promise that she’ll come back soon.

“First time I’ve seen you alone in weeks.”

Your stomach sinks.

You’re a demigod and you deal with monsters and the whims of gods daily- but there’s something about humans, about demigods that makes you especially scared.

A step below a God, filled with resentment and blessed with superhuman abilities.

You’re not sure you’ve ever felt fear like this.

You glance up at him, quickly gathering all your bracelet supplies, shoving it into the pockets of your jeans without much care.

You force a smile, pretend like nothing’s wrong.

“Sorry,” you say. “I’m just leaving. Nice seeing you, Caden!”

“Why you leavin’ so quick, baby?”

“Meeting Clarisse,” you smile through gritted teeth.

“Well, I just saw my sister walk away so… are you lying to me, Y/N?” he laughs slightly, almost as if the idea of you not being completely observing of his will is unheard of, laughable.

“Yeah, I was just finishing up.” You shove a pile of beads into your pocket, moving for the next one-

His hand covers yours.

“You don’t look done. Sit down, huh?”

You glance around the courtyard, not even bothering to hide your fear like you were taught- at the sight of him, his tall stature, the fact he could easily overpower you- you forget everything you ever learned and turn into a puddle of fear. You’re fucking terrified, and it would be humiliating if it wasn’t just the most basic human tendencies preserving in you.

You can’t be embarrassed about biology, about what your human body was designed to do. At the end of the day, your blood is red- not gold.

“No, no, I really gotta go.” You rip your hand away, mourning the loss of a few beads that didn’t quite escape with you. Instead of dwelling on that, you quickly turn around and head towards the main pavilion, where there are more campers- maybe you can find Matty or Carrie, another one of Clarisse’s siblings who would just get him off your back.

But, he follows. Of course he follows. He’s a man who’s never been told no, and he won’t be refused by you.

“Y/N,” he drawls, voice still teasing.

You clench your fists and walk faster, finally risking a glance over your shoulder- you slam into a familiar warm body you have spent countless nights with, now wearing a pair of jean shorts.

One hand swings around your waist, the other sits over her hip- where her favorite dagger is hidden.

“Y/N?” she asks, not taking her eyes off of Caden, but her voice is soft and full of concern.

“Nothing, Clar. It’s fine, let’s just go, yeah?”

She looks at you for just a second, and you haven’t had time to school your features back into a flat facade, so there’s still fear all over your face.

“What the fuck did you do, Caden?”

“Just tryin’ to spend time with Y/N. That a crime?”

He avoids calling you her girlfriend, even though that’s how most of the Ares cabin has come to know you.

“Yeah,” she says, slightly incredulously. “You hit your head too hard? She’s my fuckin’ girlfriend. I don’t know what you did, but don’t do it again.”

It’s like a sixth sense, the way you feel his eyes rake down your body, lingering on your ass. The blackness inside of you squeezes, and you feel the sudden urge to throw up, squeezing your eyes shut-

Clarisse tugs you behind her.

“Don’t fucking look at her, Caden.”

Her voice is level in barely-masked rage, and it honestly would scare you a little bit- if it wasn’t for the way her hand caressed your hip so softly.

“I’m not hurtin’ anyone. She probably likes it, huh?”

You wonder if he genuinely thinks he’s flirting with you, or just trying to piss Clarisse off.

Her jaw clenches.

“Four weeks laundry duty.”

His smile drops.

“Don’t fucking test me, Caden.”

You’re silently surprised at her strength, so you quickly grab her hand and squeeze, trying to urge her forward. Your stomach feels lighter, hoping that maybe- finally, finally he’ll leave you alone-

“Really, Clarisse?” The edge of desperation in his tone is pathetic. “You’re gonna choose her over your own half-brother. We both know who’d she choose between the two of us though, huh? The stronger one. The better one. She’d choose the son.”

She drops your hand and spins around.

“Clarisse,” you warn. “Clarisse.”

But she seems to be lost in her own world, where everything narrows down to him and the cocky look on his face, memory of his words, and you know any trace of your sweet girl is gone and it’s just the anger.

You quickly push yourself in between them, putting your hands out to Clarisse- you feel sort of stupid, but you’re desperate for her to just turn around, to take you with her, for the two of you to do like she said and get something to eat. You want to eat by the beach with her, you want to feel her in the sun, you wanna let yourself believe that four weeks of laundry duty will deter him.

“Y/N,” she says, warning you, and you know she won’t stop.

“Clarisse, I’m telling you, turn around. He’s not worth it.”

You can hear his smile.

“You won’t be saying that when I finally get my hands on you, baby.”

Fuck.

“Clarisse!” you shout, knowing its coming- she aims around you, pushing you out of the way as she sets a deadly punch on path with his face.

But it doesn’t hit him. It doesn’t hit him, and he gasps in shock before quickly running away, not wanting to deal with the consequences of his actions.

And you can’t blame him, because with your knees on the ground and the sting of Clarisse’s fist on your cheek- you should have just let her fucking kill him.

—-

Clarisse hasn’t looked at you in two weeks.

After you fell to the ground, completely disoriented by her punch, you remember the sound of her screaming and Caden laughing as he ran away. You remember her hands shaking as she helped you up, touching you as little as possible, staring at her now red knuckles.

Although you really didn’t have to, she led you to the healers, and one of the Apollo kids looked at your swelling eye, gave you something for the pain, and said you could leave.

And then, she made sure you got home safe to your cabin and hasn’t looked at you again.

In hindsight, knowing that that was the end of the relationship you used to have, it feels like a bad goodbye for something so good. You can’t even call it a goodbye, because it wasn’t good at all. There should have been something. Something more.

You remember the way Clarisse couldn’t stop staring at her bruised knuckles, you remember the way she couldn’t look you in your eyes, couldn’t touch you- wouldn’t allow herself to touch you.

That night, the relationship you had with Clarisse ended. But, you were still as in love with her as ever, you didn’t blame her for simply trying to protect you- you were the person who stepped in front of her. One second you weren’t there, the next you were. She didn’t have time to pull her punch, she didn’t have time to aim somewhere else- you don’t blame her.

You remember her saying she was sorry as she helped you to the healers. Sorry, over and over again. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, baby, Y/N, sweetheart, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. You almost asked her to stop saying it, because the word was starting to sound weird. You almost told her it was unnecessary-because it was- but you didn’t get the chance. She made sure you got home safe to your cabin. She said she was sorry again, and then two weeks of torture commenced.

And you’re fucking sick of it. Sick of her acting like a coward, running away instead of owning up to the consequences of her actions- you aren’t mad at her for punching you. You never were.

You’re mad at her for leaving you in the days after, the nights where you couldn’t sleep on your favorite side because of the bruise. The nights where you would yawn and tears would well in your eyes, and it burned as it rolled down the sensitive skin. The nights where you would forget, and you would expect her to crawl into your bed like usual- but you would fall asleep alone and wake up alone.

You’re mad at her for abandoning you, for refusing to talk to you, to figure it out. Because while what you had before is gone, you can still have something new.

“Are we sure this is a good idea?” your friend Tyla asks.

“Yeah,” Jackie, your other friend, continues. “Like, she did literally punch you in the fucking face- are we sure that’s not some sort of subconscious thing?”

She shrinks at the harsh glares you and Tyla give her.

“Okay. That was mean,” she says, softly. “Sorry.”

You roll your eyes and continue walking towards the training fields, where you know the entire Ares cabin is practicing hand-to-hand skills.

“I told you,” you huff. “She was trying to protect me from Caden. She loves me, she’s just angry. Angry at herself, but she shouldn’t be.”

“What even happened to Caden?” Tyla asks, noses scrunching at the fact she has to even say his name. “I mean, I saw him walking around with that broken face but-”

“Clarisse!”

You look up to the top of the small hill, the plateau where the sparring rings are marked into the grass by eco-friendly spray paint.

She’s holding one of her siblings down, her knee on his back, her hands holding his arms behind his back.

“Stop! I tap out, I tap out, Clarisse!” The boy screams. She smiles softly before letting him go and standing up.

He lays face down on the ground for a minute, breathing heavily before he finally picks himself up- staring at Clarisse’s offered hand. After a moment, he takes it and lets her tug him up. He nods at her and walks away to his friends, moaning about his arms and his back.

Clarisse shakes out her hands and looks around, but she knows no one wants to spar with her after that, even thought even from here you can see the fire in her veins. The need for a fight, for something to distract her. The need for movement, hard and fast. The need for anger to be the only thing she can feel.

“Me next?”

“Y/N,” Tyla hisses, and Jackie reaches out to grab you but you merely shake her off.

Clarisse’s eyes lock with yours.

It takes you a second to recognize the emotion in her eyes. Her body tenses up, she seems frozen in place like a deer in headlights. She’s scared.

“Clar,” you smile, meeting her in the circle.

She tears her eyes away from you, choosing instead to stare at the grass.

“I’m not fighting you. Go.”

“I’m not asking you to fight me,” you smile. “I’m asking you to spar with me.”

She rolls her eyes.

“I’m not sparring with you.”

It’s so tense, no matter how much you try to make it like before, no matter how much you smile and try to look in her eyes.

“Can I talk with you, then?”

You shuffle closer, and she doesn’t move.

“Y/N,” she sighs. She looks up at you, but you can tell she’s staring right past you, towards the tree line. “Please don’t make me do this.”

“Do what?” you snort. “Face your feelings? Let me help you?”

Her face is level, almost bored. She turns her face into a facade, a mask of nothingness. She won’t let you in, not now, and it makes you angry.

You would take anything from her right now.

You want her to hate you. You want her to love you. You want everything and anything.

You would take another punch, as long as you got to feel her skin on yours for a split second.

You dig your foot into the ground and glare at her.

“Clarisse. I’m serious, I want to talk to you.”

Her eyes meet yours for a split second, before she’s moving.

“Too bad. Forget me,” she says over her shoulder.

She fucks up and she runs away.

“Clarisse!” you shout, following her out of the training field, out of view from the eyes that were trying and failing not to look at the two of you. “You can’t leave me here. You can’t just pretend like the last year we’ve been together didn’t happen.”

“It’s better that way,” she sighs, like she’s doing you some big favor by staying away from you, when all she’s doing is hurting you.

“It’s not!” you shout, finally surging forward and grabbing her wrist-

She whips around and tugs her wrist out of your grip.

You don’t think she’s ever once refused your touch.

It burns. It burns in your heart so badly, burns worse than any regret you could ever feel.

“Don’t,” she says, like she’s warning you. “I’m- I’m trying to protect you, okay? Just- stop bein’ fuckin’ stubborn.”

You take a dejected step back, even though all you want to do is run into her arms.

“I don’t get it,” she continues, folding her hands behind her back. Her eyes finally land on the faded bruise. “Why don’t you hate me?”

The heartbreak in her voice hurts more than the punch, than the nights without her.

“Because I love you, Clar. I don’t care about what happened, it was an accident- you’re the only one who can’t see that.”

“I hurt you.”

“The only thing that hurts is you being away from me.”

“Nah,” she says, taking a step back. She shakes her head, staring at your eye before finally turning away. “I’m only anger, Y/N. I’ll only hurt you. And I can’t take hurting you again.”

The feeling of staring at her back, the sound of her footsteps crunching in the leaves, hurts so bad it creates another new organ in your body.

This time, it’s like a tumor growing from your heart, encasing it so every beat is a struggle, every breath is ragged. This new organ carries your heartbreak, and it grows bigger by the second.

—-

It’s starting to feel like Clarisse is never going to even look at you again.

Even when you look straight at her from across the pavilion, she doesn’t look back. You stare at her back all day. The memory of her walking away from you replays in your mind every time you close your eyes.

You wonder, when it’s just you in your lonely bed, if Clarisse isn’t angry but rather scared. She’s angry at herself for hurting you, yes, but she’s terrified she’ll do it again. And you know Clarisse rarely feels fear, and you want nothing more but to help her navigate these unknown feelings- but she won’t let you in.

You don’t know how to let her help you, but you give her time. You stare at her when you hope she isn’t looking, you wrap your arms around yourself and pretend it’s her, you dream of her lips and the way she holds you, the way she loves you.

Clarisse took you to the docks for one of your dates. The fourth? The fifth? Somewhere around there, but it was the first time you kissed. Both of you had realized that you liked each other but agreed to take it slow, but you’d never forget the way she looked at you after you put the flower she brought you into your hair. The way she looked at you when you let your feet hang over the edge, kicking the water. The way your thigh pressed against hers, ankles hooked together.

You’ll never forget the way you looked up at her after dipping your fingers into the cool water, the control and self restraint finally leaving her eyes, her body, as her face sunk into a wide smile and she slammed her lips into yours.

The dock is sacred to the two of you, so when you’re missing her, especially during this sunset, this is where you go.

And it’s perfect. It’s so perfect you can almost convince yourself she’s here with you.

Except, if she was here with you, there wouldn’t be this tumor on your heart.

At the sound of his voice, the other organ your emotions have formed twists.

“This wasn’t my plan, y’know.”

“Go away, Caden,” you moan. Is it a crime to want to wallow in your own self pity? It is a crime to want the black organs inside of you to swallow you whole?

“I just wanted to knock Clarisse down a few pegs, and I certainly did that. Paid the price, too, you seen my fuckin’ face?”

It looks as horrible as it always does, you think, but you bite your tongue.

“I wanna be alone, Caden. Please.” You bite the word out like you’re a hyena choking on a laugh.

“But, c’mon.”

He steps closer to you, until you can feel him looming over you, tips of his sneakers pressing into your ass, he’s so close to you. You kick the water, annoyed, but he either doesn’t get the hint or ignores it.

“I’m not that bad, am I? Do me a favor, baby, let me cart you around for a few days and make her miserable.”

You’re about to just get up and leave all together when the sound of someone stepping onto the dock surprises you.

“Get away from her.”

But there’s something unspoken in the air. You’re just “her” now- not “my girlfriend” not “her’s.”

“Why are you always fuckin’ bothering me, Clarisse?”

You turn around. She smiles sarcastically.

“Why are you always fuckin’ bothering Y/N?”

“I’m not botherin’ her though, huh?”

He reaches down to grab at a piece of your hair, running it in between his fingers.

You flinch, but you’re more focused on the way Clarisse’s fists clench, her jaw ticks.

“Caden,” you sigh, batting his hand away.

“Seems like a pretty clear no to me, huh?”

Caden sighs and straightens, letting your hair fall from his fingers.

“What are you going to do about it, Clarisse? You gonna try and punch me- again? Try to hit the right person this time, huh?”

“Go fuck yourself, Caden.” She finally, finally, looks at you. You feel blessed and divine, like she’s a goddess who’s taken the time to merely look at you. “C’mon, Y/N.”

You scramble up to follow her beckoning hand at the same time Caden shifts on his feet.

He knocks into you, and you’re on the edge of the dock, and you scream as you fall in.

The water wasn’t that deep, but it was cold and embarrassing, and you fell at an awkward angle.

You surface, paddling to keep yourself afloat, coughing water out of your mouth and glaring up at him.

“Shit,” he swears, quickly running down the dock before you can shout some curse on his entire bloodline.

“Y/N?!” Clarisse shouts, panic on her face falling immediately at the sight of you afloat. She breathes out, fixing her hair that got all moved around in her frantic sprint down the dock. “You good?”

“Does it look like I’m good?” you deadpan.

She smiles.

“C’mon, come around to the ladder.”

She smiles as she helps you up, wrapping an arm around you even though you’re soaking wet, and you’re so mesmerized at the sight of her smiling, the feeling of her smiling at you that you can’t even comprehend it.

She has her arm wrapped around you.

She’s touching you.

Gods, did you miss this.

“Cold?” she asks, your hips pressed together as you walk down the dock.

“Yeah,” you whisper, feeling how warm she is against you. “I’ll be okay, though.”

“How long has he been… doing that?”

Your eyes meet hers.

“Jackie and Tyla told me- yelled at me, really- after they cornered me the other day. They said you were really fucked up about everything, and I should talk to you and I- I don’t know. I thought staying away was for the best.”

You cringe at the memory from a few nights ago, when you finally broke down and cried like a baby in front of your friends because of how much you missed her.

“And I saw you at the dock, and then fuckin’ Caden got over here before I could,” she laughs, dryly. “Whatever. I’ll walk you back-”

“Will you talk to me, Clar?”

You both stop, beachy sand sticks to your wet shoes, and Clarisse nervously looks away before you prod.

“I’m not mad at you. And I know you’re mad at yourself, and scared-”

She scoffs, but it’s halfhearted.

“But I love you, Clarisse. I love you, and I don’t blame you. Don’t blame yourself, and love me.”

In the sunlight, you can still see the remnants of the bruise. Softly, she reaches out and traces her pointer finger around your eye.

Her touch is so soft, the pad of her finger so rough- that sweet juxtaposition with her has always made your mind fuzzy. She makes all the tension in your body melt away. She makes everything better.

She swallows hard.

“I’m sorry,” she breathes, tears welling in her eyes. “I know I’ve said it so much, but I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t- I didn’t mean to hit you, I swear on my father-”

Her voice chokes up, and you can tell she hates the fact she’s crying, so you draw her into your neck and let her hide away there. Running your hands through her hair, telling her it’s okay each time she apologizes.

“I know who you are,” you say when the tears have stopped, and you’re just relishing being in each other’s arms again. “I know who I fell in love with, and I know who you are. You’re angry and you’re sweet, you’re mean and you’re kind, and I love all of it. Don’t doubt that, please.”

She breathes out before leaving the comfort of your neck, putting her shaky hands on your face.

“I love all of you,” you repeat.

She smiles softly.

“I love all of you.”

She kisses your eye softly, literally almost like a butterfly landing on your eyelid, unable to not whisper one more apology against your skin.

You roll your eyes, smiling to match her.

“And don’t think I’d leave you over one mistake, seriously, La Rue. You insult me.”

She rolls her eyes too, thumb stroking your cheek.

“Oh, forgive me,” she teases.

“You’re already forgiven,” you smile, eyes traveling down to the lips you’ve been dreaming about. “But kiss me to make sure.”

—-

“-and he would just look at me all the time. That was the creepiest part, I think. Like, okay, he would feel up on me sometimes, but whatever. I could avoid him. At meals I would just be minding my business and he would be staring at me. More just annoying, you know? And, yeah. That made me feel horrible, like literally sick. I just felt so dirty, so fucked up- Clar?”

You watch as she stares up at the ceiling, cracking her knuckles.

“Clarisse,” you scold.

You shift from your stomach to your side, head propped up so you can properly look at her. Your bed is full and warm now that she’s here.

“Oh, no, keep goin’, baby.”

“Do not kill him. Do not hurt him. I told you, I don’t want that on my conscience.”

“Nah, I know, sweetheart. I’m just thinking about it, don’t take that away from me, huh?”

You roll your eyes, but a smile crosses its way onto your face. She smiles back, and it just feels so surreal, so different- but exactly like it’s supposed to be. You know Clarisse is angry, but you know she’s sweet too. Clarisse knows you love all of her.

She draws you to lay on her chest, hand in your hair, the other slipping under your shirt to scratch your back.

“I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me,” she whispers. “That’s the worst thing. You were dealing with all this alone- and I had no fucking idea.”

“Yeah. ‘Cause being with you made it better, of course you didn’t notice.”

She kisses your forehead. “You’re too sweet, baby.”

You smile and kiss her chest.

“I’m only not killing him ‘cause you asked, I hope you know that. If it was up to me, he’d be dead.”

“Oh, baby, I know lots of other ways we can channel that emotion.”

You glance up at her and she searches your eyes before promptly throwing you to the side and climbing on top of you.

Yeah, Clarisse is angry. But you love her angry.

—-

clarisse staring at her hands like they’re covered in blood: oh gods… oh gods what have i done. what have i done (again that picture of ivan the terrible holding his d3ad son)

y/n: ouch! ok anyways- girl you did not kill me calm down.

—-

caden trying not to die after clarisse inconveniences him for the sixth time today… hides his favorite sword, permanently sticks him on laundry duty, puts literal “kick me” signs on his back, puts holes in his favorite clothes…

—-

y/n is that one song that goes “FUCK ME LIKE YOU MAD AT ME BABY I NEED A FREAK TO DRIVE ME CRAZZYYYYY”

…and she’s so real for that.

—-

taglist:

@lvrue @t-wylia @laughingcheese037 @kroumi @urdeadpoet @colezb @rey26 @harmzilla @elliewilliamsbae @amberfreemansburntface @kyuupidwrites @neverwaakeme-up @shark1008 @liballer @heyimadison @nvirskies @pnsteblnme @mar2ss @restellsss @ravisinghs-wife @marsconer @evangelinexo @randomhoex @luvrrish @rebecca37 @saltair-and-palemoonlight @ace-spades-1 @maxlynn17

@thewritingbarbie

—-

from this ask

[were--ralph]

Hey i saw you ranting about trans men on a post, and i was just wondering a few things. This is a genuine question, as a stelth trans man, i really cant find anything about a pre op transitioning body attractive. Especially a pre op Chest. Now i do take testosterone, and i think that the parts that i find gross (ex: tits mixed with chest hair) are a perfectly acceptable thing to deal with so i can look the way i want to look. I love my body hair and my muscle growth, i just dont love the obviously not cis parts of me. What do you find attractive about this? I truely cannot for the life of me understand why people find trans men attractive but i would really like to understand.

I think spicy food is disgusting generally. it's like. hot and not fun and to me it adds nothing good to the food experience. Genuinely I don't understand why people enjoy hot foods it makes like. literally no sense.

and yet, people do. it's weird. I've tried on multiple occasions to get into spicy food and it just. suks. every single time it sucks. But everyone else in my family lives by it. And I've asked why for years literally unable to understand it until I realized.

sometimes people just. like things. things I certainly don't like and cannot enjoy whatsoever. But at the same time, this is true for me and not for them. I fucking love coffee to the point I drink it more than water most days, but no one else in my family likes it. BUT other people outside my family enjoy it too.

Life is weird and what I'm getting at is something that took me a lifetime to understand and I still can't wrap my head around it all the time.

People just like things. People love things and hate things. What things mean to one person can mean the world to another and death to the third. There's not always a reason for it, but what you have to do is accept that there are things in life that you just might not like much right now. but as time goes on you'll find value in it the same way your partner will find value in you and all the minuscule things you do and become and like and dislike.

And to build on that point, there are things I hated as a kid that I'm fine with and even love now. Each day changes you more than you'll ever know and with those changes, the acceptance that comes with them may be easier or harder.

So, to answer your question, I don't know! I just love men. Men with tits or pecs, men with vaginas or dicks. maybe both at the same time or neither at all! I just think men are generally attractive no matter the design or what's different about them. and not just men but people who present as masc in general. If you're masc nb there's a chance I'm looking at you through the window of a bar as much as if you were cis-male or trans-male.

I do know for some men, the allure of masculinity displaced with the typically-feminine concept of a vagina intrigues them. Maybe it's the juxtaposition of them together, maybe they just want something unique and new to them. Maybe they just really like vaginas and it doesn't matter who it's attached to, or maybe they just like trans men. Same thing with boobs, some guys just like boobs. Some men have boobs. the overlap doesn't mean net-negative results, it could be double positive.

And I don't expect you to love everything about yourself, god knows I don't love everything about myself, and despite people telling me what's good about me I can still find flaws within it whenever I choose. I think men with chest hair are hot as fuck, but also I've seen some smooth men that are just as if not hotter. I love me a fat man or a man with muscles, but i've seen twinks i'd demolish in one sitting as well. I've seen men with dicks and boobs and scars and and hair pretty much everything under the sun and sometimes I want them to sit on me and forget I'm there and smother me.

What you do have to do though is accept that you have those things, and you are those things, and even though you may not like those things you have to accept that they're a part of you and find value in that. And it's not an easy task at all to love yourself, but you have to try because even if you don't right now, there's a partner who will be waiting for you somewhere. there's a future version of you who loves you as you are. there are friends who love your flaws, pets who don't judge, and there are a lot of things that accept you as you are.

So just say you have boobs and chest hair. even if you don't love it about yourself right now know that there are and will always be people who do, and personally I've said before, but I wish i had boobs and chest hair it's just a perfect look to me. I'm fine with whatever my gender is, i just think its a good look. If I had money for top and bottom surgery I'd get it and never look back. You just have to find the value in yourself we all know is there, and if you can't just know that we know it's there and let that carry you through the day!

[fadedin2u]

hi rose toy, could you write about ellie comforting reader with body insecurities? love your writing and have a good day!!

here’s a little drabble!! this was super therapeutic to write, thank u for the lovely request anon!

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“i just- i don’t like myself, ellie. i don’t like anything about how i look,” you finally admit, sick of your own thoughts plaguing your mind.

ellie’s eyes are full of heartache as she says, “but i do. i like everything about how you look.”

the response makes your heart bleed more, and your lip trembles.

“you have to say that. you’re my girlfriend.”

ellie shakes her head, “hey. that’s not true. i’m not gonna say anything to you that i don’t mean, you know that.”

you look down, not wanting her to see the tears building in your eyes. “i just… i can’t help but notice how many fucking things are wrong with my body. with my face. with me.”

ellie frowns, “what makes any of it wrong? where’s the guide book telling you how you’re supposed to look?”

you get irritated in spite of knowing ellie’s good intentions, “everything tells me i’m supposed to look different than how i do, ellie. you’re the fucking beauty standard, no offense, but you have no idea what it feels like to not be.”

ellie’s eyes flash with hurt from your words, but she covers it well.

you sigh, ashamed, wiping your face, “i’m sorry, els, really. i’m not trying to pick a fight with you or make you feel like shit too, i just hate living with how i look everyday.”

ellie smoothes her hands over your sides, “do you want to know what i think?”

you take a breath and slowly nod.

“not everything about you fits the beauty standard. that’s true. but the beauty standard was created by rich, white men who are trying to make a goddamn profit off of women fucking hating themselves. so women just perpetuate this bullshit standard, because they feel like it’s attached to their worth as a human being, and everyone feels like shit, except for the dudes who’s pockets are getting fuller each time someone goes in to get a fucking lypo treatment or a nose job.”

you stay quiet, listening, even though this isn’t necessarily new information to you.

ellie takes a breath, “so, maybe not all of you fits into that stupid model of a fake woman, but how the fuck does that make you less beautiful? i love how you look naturally, because you’re fucking real, gorgeous, and human. i don’t want a fantasy girl that fits perfectly into a porn-brain infected, white, straight, limp-dick’s wet dream. i want you. i want how you look naturally, when you’re healthy and happy. because that’s when you look the most beautiful to me, no matter what.”

you take a breath. “so you’re honestly saying you wouldn’t prefer if i was more stereotypically attractive?”

ellie rolls her eyes, “that doesn’t fucking mean anything to me. i’m very fucking attracted to you, and that’s all that matters. i wouldn’t change a thing about how you look, ever.”

you nod slowly, and she pulls you into a tight hug.

“it makes me sick that you feel like you’re innately wrong in some way, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. if you’re giving yourself enough food, taking care of your body, and you’re happy, that’s exactly how you should be looking. okay?”

you know that ellie’s words don’t take away your feelings of insecurity, but it helps soothe some of the sting, the hurt.

“i’m sorry for making you preach self-love to me,” you say, smiling a little, trying to lighten the mood.

ellie looks serious as she says, “i will again. anytime you need it. i cant stand the thought of the most perfect thing in my life hating how they naturally look. i’ll say it a billion times if you need it, i promise.”

she kisses your forehead.

“do you think take-out would help you feel better? because i think it would.”

[dilfl0v3rss]

Ouuuu you write angst? can we get an angst drabble with one of the aot men but it's a happy or petty ending for us and not for them

here i go here i go here i gooooo🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️

“ian ready for no relationship.” the excuse of excuses. the words that were always thrown your way after you’d try to convince your little “fling” that you wanted to be more. eren stood up, zipping his pants before grabbing his hoodie and heading out your dorm room. your situation was…complicated. well not really. you grew very attached to this man, looking for him at parties, going to every single one of his games, giving him your notes so he wouldn’t fail and get kicked off the team, and letting him fuck you whenever he wanted.

you were practically dating. or that’s what you thought. eren saw you as just another pretty little thing to keep his grades up and his dick wet. using you constantly while labeling it at love to keep you coming back for more. “b-but why ren?” eren dropped his shoulders, sighing before he walked back to you and raised your chin with his fingers. “you know the rules pretty. cant be tied down worrying about a girl during the season. when all of this craziness is over then we can work sum out.”

a smile bloomed on your face as you looked at eren in complete adoration. you couldn’t wait for the season to end so you could finally be with the man you love. your friends seen you as a complete idiot and they had no problem trying to shut down your delusions. “girl what don’t you get? as soon as the season ends he gon drop you like a bad habit.” “yea he’s lying to you baby.”

you shook your head as your friends annie and sasha tried to speak some sense into you. “he wouldn’t do that to me. h-he lo-” “he doesn’t love you and m’gonna prove it.” before you could reply annie pulls out her phone, clicking historias instagram story to show you what she posted in her close friends. there eren was, laying his head on her stomach with his arms wrapped around her as the rest of his body laid snug between her legs. the caption reading ‘pussy put his ass to sleep🤣’.

your eyes instantly welled with tears as you watched eren, your eren be with someone else the same way he’d be with you. annie was contemplating telling you for awhile. hoping that you’d come to your senses on your own without having to get hurt, but she just couldn’t hold it in anymore. “w-why would he-” “because historias dumber than a bag of rocks and she doesn’t mind sucking and fucking a dick that’s been in half the campus.” sasha spit.

annie wiped your tears with a napkin from her purse before standing up with you on the quad bench. “fuck him furreal. there’s so many guys that have been tryna get at you, but you’ve been oblivious to them because of eren.” you nodded your head, acting as if you were agreeing but you were really heartbroken. the three of you said your goodbyes and you went back to your room. tears flooded your pillowcase as you thought about what you had just witnessed.

you were being played by the one person you wanted. you weren’t the type to dwell on things so you decided to just leave him alone. praying that one day he gets what he deserves, but right now you wanted nothing to do with him. weeks went by since you’ve last talked to eren. he wasn’t suspicious of it since he’d usually only talk to you when he needed something anyways. covering up his absences with “practice” to keep you from pestering him.

the first couple of days were hell. nonstop crying and constant reminiscing were what filled your mornings and nights. saying you missed him was an understatement. you felt like you couldn’t live without him. you’d see him after him games, flirting with girls while looking around to make sure you weren’t watching. when he felt that the coast was clear he ended up taking one by the hand and leading her into the locker room with him.

that was your breaking point. you practically ran to your room with tears soaking your cheeks. you wanted absolutely nothing to do with this man anymore. packing all of the clothes he left there and putting them in a trash bag before throwing it outside. you were finally washing your hands of this man and your friends couldn’t be prouder. comforting you whenever you needed but also trying to get you out there more so you can finally replace that piece of shit.

as annie said, a lot of guys have tried to get at you and instead of shooting them down like you usually did, you gave one a chance. you and reiner have gotten pretty close over the last few weeks. texting almost everyday, eating lunch together, and sharing your favorite books with each other in the library as you studied. he was sweet and charming.

always paying for your lunch no matter how many times you’ve tried to return the favor, walking you all the way to your dorm after a particularly late study sesh, and holding your hand when the two of you would cross the street. he mostly did that for his enjoyment, but you didn’t mind.

the two of you weren’t dating, but your friends thought you were, given that one was barely seen without the other. “where’s your boo suge.” sasha would say when you finally hung out with your girls after three long weeks. “hush uppp. we just talking.” annie, sasha, and pieck busted out laughing before pieck leaked some information to you.

“girl you know we seen you getting your back blown out in the back of his jeep right?” your hands flew to your mouth as you gasped in shock. “yupp. saw him pulling your hair and allat right in our dorm parking lot.” sasha said as you covered your face in embarrassment before mumbling into your hands. “ooouuu yall so nosey i could strangle all three of you right now.” annie scoffed as she pulled your arms from your face.

“you think we’re dumb? you’ve been ditching us every chance you got. and when you do decide to finally hang out with us for a little, you come with a bunch hickies and a pimp walk.” all of you laughed at her last comment. rolling your eyes before checking your phone. speak of the devil.

rei🌻

‘got everything ready for movie night!’

‘waiting on you now mama💛’

you looked up from your phone, instantly getting pissed off looks from your friends. “don’t even say nun. go be wit your man. enjoy it too because this weekend you all OURS. you hear me?” you giggled as you stood from your spot on sasha’s beanbag chair. “i hear youuu. love yallll!!” each of your friends replied with “love you toos” before you left to go spend time with reiner.

“aight i got nightmare on elm street and i got fri-” “princess and the frog” reiner chuckled as you looked up at him. sitting on his bed in nothing but his t shirt that you changed into as soon as you got there. “we watched that last time princess. you said you’d let me switch it up.” pink lip jutting out in a pout at he looked at you with sad eyes.

you laughed, watching this huge man with black ink dancing around his arms and chest being such a softy for you. his sweatpants hanging low on his hips as he situated himself under you on the bed. “okay then coco. i love un poco locoooo” a groan flew from his lips as he rolled his eyes at your choices. “no more disney. if i hear another song ima rip my ears off.”

the two of you ended up settling on john wick, but that didn’t really matter since it was one thirty minutes into the movie where you found yourself sleeping soundly on his chest. straddling him with your head in the crook of reiner’s neck as he played games on his phone. he was thinking about asking you to be his girlfriend soon, but he didn’t know how or when to ask.

the sound of your phone snatched him out of his thoughts. looking at the screen in disgust as he read the contact on the screen.

ren ren💚

‘yo. you up?’

he seen the name pop up and instantly got heated, knowing what he’s done to you. he made quick work to delete his number before replying.

you

‘yea what’s up?’

347-***-****

‘miss you mama🤧’

‘let me pull up on you’

“the nerve of this guy” reiner thought as a quick idea came up into his head. first he checked on you, making sure you were still deep in your slumber before taking a picture of your sleeping figure on his hard chest. sending it with a smirk as he watched erens typing bubble pop in and out of the chat. reiner dropped the phone back on the bed, figuring he just wasn’t going to answer until he heard a bunch of vibrations start coming in. texts popping up left and right and he scrolled through each of them.

347-***-****

‘wyd y/n?’

‘man you so lame for that fr’

‘how you just gon give my pussy away like that?’

‘he never gon be able to fuck you like i do’

‘cmon baby don’t pass up a relationship with me…’

‘i swear i’ll never text historia again’

‘or any other bitch’

‘she could never amount to you ong baby’

‘baby?’

‘text me back y/n :(‘

‘at least still study with me…historia’s so dumb i’ll get kicked off the team fasho’

*caller blocked*

reiner put your phone on his nightstand before laying you on you your side. kissing you on the cheek before cuddling up behind you and falling asleep as well.

[shiningqueen]

Waltz

An attempt has been made to write Law. That is all. Rating: SFW / e for everyone. Notes: Fluff, pining. Not beta-read, we die like men here. Characters: Law x gn!reader.

The music is as vibrant and lively as the crew's energy, bodies flowing and dancing in a rare moment of reprieve from sailing. Most of them are drunk and that makes their attempts to dance to any sort of rhythm hilariously bad.

You arent dancing though. You're content to watch the ensuing free entertainment provided generously by the Heart Pirates. At one point, you see Penguin try to perform a headstand and promptly fall flat on his face, to the resulting guffaws of his fellows.

"You aren't going to join them, [Name]-ya?" Law's smooth tones pull your attention away, tilting your head obligingly towards the captain.

You shrug, "Probably not, I dont recognize whatever dance they are trying to do." A bemused smile tugging at your lips as you gesture to the unsteady swaying and wiggling of the crew. "What about you? Wasn't Ikaku trying to get you to dance?"

Law huffs and shrugs a shoulder, "I dont dance." He dismisses blandly and feeling bold, leans slightly into your shoulder. You definitely do not mind the casual proximity and hum in nonverbal acceptance to his excuse.

You weren't officially part of the crew, even though Law had offered you a position, but now he was sort of grateful you hadn't accepted. You were a useful ally to have on standby, not only for your skills in battle but your intel gathering had proven exceptional. Having someone with your freedom to prowl the seas and get in and out of Navy bases without stirring trouble was invaluable.

It also meant that he didnt have to worry about letting his growing attachment to you get any more serious than a passing fancy. Sometimes though, he wondered.

The music shifted into lighter, flowier melodies and that makes the gathered pirates try to hook arms together and sway messily. You laugh as Ikaku tries to coax Shachi into slow dancing with her.

"So," you say casually, "you don't dance or you can't dance?" Peering over at Law and - had he been staring at you? - there's a twitch in his brow as he swiftly glances away. Oh, was he bashful? That was really cute to see.

"Why is it of any concern to you?" He retorts dryly but lacks any kind of irritation otherwise, shoving hands into the pockets of his jeans and jostling against your shoulder from the movement.

More laughter bubbles up and you slide your arm through his, shifting your weight to tug him along with you a few steps. He stumbles with a curse at your antics, "Come on, I can show you a few steps. I took profressional lessons back home." You coax him and are delighted he doesnt really resist, especially since you're leading him a few yards out of sight from the crew. As if you knew he didnt want anyone else to see such a thing.

"[Name]," there's an attempt to complain but Law cant find it in himself to get upset, he feels a bit too warm under the collar when you reach to take his other hand in yours. "When am I going to ever need to know this?" He sighs but does not resist whatsoever when you place his hand on your waist. Was his heart starting to race? A slight quicken in his chest but he doesnt try to pull away.

You smile winsomely at him, "Dancing can help one with swordplay, dont you know?"

"I fail to see the similarities," he deadpans to try and hide the flustered squirm in his stomach.

You weren't going to tease him for getting all red faced and twitchy; there was a lot you had noticed about Law over the past few months of being acquainted with him. The tentative way he tried to get close to you, the slight touches, how he never turned you away from late visits in his office. Finding ways to disturb his calm, collected rhythm had become something of a guilty pleasure of yours.

"Just follow my lead," you reply softly, hand on his shoulder and your other clasped with his. Slowly you tug him into the first step, "I'll count, it's just a pattern. One, two, three." You go through the motions of a waltz, repeating the count under your breath to keep him on track.

Law finds the rhythm quickly enough after a dozen missteps and muttered apologies when he accidentally steps on your foot. He wont admit it outloud but it was nice to hold you a little closer than he normally allowed, circling and circling with his eyes trained on your face. His frazzled nerves werent so easily assauged though, he didnt really know what to say in the moment and just listened to how you whispered 'one, two, three' like it was a melody all of its own.

When you unwind your hands and stretch out to do a twirl, then slowly step back towards him, Law curls his arm around you and pulls you flush to his chest. Your waltz comes to a halt, with him frozen and you watching with a tender smile on your lips. If he leaned in just a bit more, he could kiss you, if he felt daring enough.

"You learn fast," you murmur and tilt your head forward just enough to touch noses with him. "What do you think of more lessons, Law?" Oh it was a lot of fun to see him blushing just from proximity and the hushed quality of your voice.

Law collects enough of his composure to release you and step away, clearing his throat and ignoring the burning of his cheeks. "Aren't you leaving tomorrow to scout ahead?" He deflects, hands back in his pockets to try and forget the warmth of holding you. (He wont forget.)

"Whenever I loop back with the gang, I can still teach you. No pressure," you answer easily with a shrug, mentally stamping down the fluttering in your own stomach. "I should probably head off to bed, gotta leave early and all that." The moment had passed and you knew better than to stick around and make things awkward.

Too many words stick themselves in Law's throat as you turn to walk away; how often you leave him speechless could be made into a damn bingo card. And you'd win that bingo over and over too.

"[Name]-ya," he manages to unstick his tongue, "I'll uh, think about it. Have a goodnight."

You glance back and salute him playfully, "Aye sir, goodnight."

[renzieluvsvt]

dude was j trying to show the no. of unread msgs but boyy he didn't know the effects of showing me his hand which made me imagine so much within a span of a second. I LOVE JOSHUA'S HANDS AND FINGERS. IT MAKES ME FUCKING WANT THEM KNUCKLES DEEP INSIDE ME EVERYTIME I SEE THEM. I WILL DO ANYTHING TO HAVE THESE FUCKING FINGERS FUCK ME ANYWHERE.

his hands would totally feel good whenever he touches your skin. the way he would cup your jaw when kissing while making out. the bliss it would be when it would be placed on the moulds of your bare chest. the way his big hands would squeeze them hard while nipping your sensitive spots on your neck, making you moan his name while your fingers run through his hair. the way his mouth would come down to suck onto your boobs while the other one gets played by his hand. squeezing the whole by his broad palm. pinching your nipples in between to draw the sounds of pleasure from you. he would slowly go down to your torso then lower to come face to face with your now soaked underwear while his eyes never leaves yours. smirking as he realises how wet he got you just by the foreplay. he rubs your pussy over the clothing that acted as a barrier but successfully drawing a moan from your mouth in pleasure. then after a second you realise that he has already thrown off the little clothing covering your cunt. "joshua- ah josh-", he loved the way you called out for him in the most erotic way once he attached his lips to your clit. the way he found his pleasure as you gripped his hair while his tongue played with your hole, making you arch your back in pleasure. you feel the air hit your pussy as soon as he draws back but before you cry due to the emptiness you felt down there, soon you feel him fill your wet cunt with two of his fingers. he makes you scream his name as he curls his fingers inside you, hitting your spot. now he slowly pulls them out and thrust them in again but harder, making you grab your boobs and pinch the nipples for more stimulation. "are you sure this fucking tight hole of yours can take me in completely?", he asks you as he continues to thrust his fingers in and out. "mmh please give me more josh please i need more of you", he loved to see and hear you beg for him. there you got him scissoring your pussy while sucking onto your clit. so fucking erotic. a hand of yours grabbing your tits and the other gripping his hair. it was heaven to hear him grunt and praise you with his mouth against your pussy. he knew what effect he had on you when he makes eye contact with you as he eats you out as if you are the most delicious dish to be served to him. he starts fingering you again but this time with three of his long and slender but thick fingers drawing you closer and closer to your orgasm. "fuck josh- i cant- ahh fuc-", then there you see him covered with your juices, smiling at you. he comes up to kiss you while pinning you down with his masculine big muscled arms. "already tired? but the night is still young my sweetheart."

im sure mr.gentlesexy wouldn't be that gentle in bed but would totally be the sexiest among all the men existing. JOSHUA HONG IS A NEED INDEED.

[lolotheparagon]

Helluva Boss is Hella Sexist to Both Men and Women - Part 1

Just saw a video about Helluva Boss and whether its sexist or not with portraying its female characters and that got me thinking:

Are Helluva Boss' writers misogynists?

No. No one INTENTIONALLY writes misogynistic material unless you're Bruce Timm or Blizzard but what they're writing DEFINITELY COMES ACROSS AS SEXIST because the writers are so busy juggling every plot thread and character arc at once, they forget to write the main fucking characters apart from Blitzo. ESPECIALLY its female characters like Millie, Loona, Stella and Octavia.

You can use good faith arguments until you're blue in the face, but the truth of the matter is treating ALL of their main female characters as vehicles for the male characters' development with little characterisation beyond that IS misogynistic.

Lets start with Millie.

Millie is the most egregious case since she's one of the main employees at IMP yet we barely see Millie do anything other than be Moxxie's wife or a killing machine. And the fact her only s1 episode "where we see her family " plot getting sidelined for a Moxxie plot is unbelievable. Millie is by far the show's most promising character you can write mountains of stories about. But instead the show makes her a crazy lovable girlboss TM without any goals or aspirations and only exists as Moxxie's support system. Shes fine if shes meant to be a side character but shes in a main ensemble cast and you CANT have one of your main 4 characters be just the cool badass wife who can benchpress a tractor. That's fine for a tumblr art post, not for a character in a professional episodic animated tv show

Loona is supposed to be 21 or something yet she acts like every surly teenager who abuses her adoptive father Blitz, who's done nothing but love and cherish her. Yet she always beats him up whenever Blitz is merely in her vicinity. And so far we havent got an episode or even A SCENE where Loona and Blitz just sit down and unpack everything. That one flashback of Loona being from a hellhound orphanage/pound wouldve been so interesting to explore as a full episode, but it was only set up so Blitz can have a panic attack. So, much like Millie, Loona's character arcs and plotlines get shifted aside for more dumb scenes and Brandon Rogers references. Loona doesn't even change her attitude towards others throughout the series so far and remains as sardonic and bitchy as ever, cos heaven forbid we have our characters develop. Fans wont buy our overpriced merch of our furry waifu otherwise.

Octavia only exists in the story to make Stolas look like the most wholesome dada so the fans will completely forget hes in an unhealthy power-imbalanced relationship with Blitz, a lower class imp, purely for sex but then grows romantically attached to which Blitz adamantly refuses to see it that way. (Stolas also has imps as servants which he treats with apathy or contempt so already sets a bad precedent) but circling back to Octavia, Stolas claims to love his daughter very much but we've never shown that often BUT STOLAS DOESNT EVEN CARE ABOUT OCTAVIA UNLESS SHES IN ACTUAL DANGER COS HE GETS DISTRACTED BY HORNY BLITZY OR IS TOO IMCOMPETENT TO DO ANYTHING PROACTIVE

In Loo Loo Land, he learns to be more considerate of her feelings and comforts her after ignoring her throughout the whole episode. What happens in the next Stolas and Octavia episode? Octavia gets dismissed by Stolas AGAIN, this time by his ex-wife, when she asks about a star event THEY PLANNED TO GO TO, so she runs away to the human world to see it for herself. And yet who consoles her at the observatory scene? FUCKING LOONA OF ALL PEOPLE! WHY CANT STOLAS GO UP THERE, FINALLY FINDING HER AT LAST AND TALK TO HER? YKNOW THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT WHY STOLAS IS IN THE HUMAN REALM TO BEGIN WITH??! HE'S WAITING AROUND IN A SITCOM AUDIENCE WHILE BLITZO DOES HIS FAILING ATTEMPTS AT COMEDY

Octavia's own feelings about her relationship with her dad, how her parents divorce has affected her, her relationship with her mother Stella, ITS ALL SIDELINED for more self-indulgent Stolitz shipping. I feel so sorry for Octavia, she deserves better. She should be adopted by Blitz, he's more an actual father figure than Stolas.

And finally, Stella. Stella is an interesting case cos I have no qualms with having a bitchy abusive wife villain for Stolas to fight back against. Im totally fine with Stolas standing up to Stella and finally divorcing that bitch. But I really wish Stella had more presence throughout the first season, constantly bringing up tension and stress to piss off Stolas, since she likes tormenting him so much. Cos piling all of her insults and cartoonishly over the top bitchiness in one episode (The Circus) was too much and with how that episode woobified Stolas already, it only added to the problem. Nothing inherently wrong character-wise with Stella, shes established as a unrepentant bitch and stays that way. She is ultimately a vehicle for Stolas' character development but shes not a main character so its fine. The story is not about her.

But I find it pretty rich that the show treats being Loona being abusive to her father figure for no good reason like a joke, whereas Stella's abuse of Stolas about to slap him is portrayed as a serious, shocking moment.

So in conclusion, Helluva Boss DOES push several negative stereotypes of women. The one-note girlboss wife who's plotlines always get shafted in support of the male characters (Millie), the teenager who's desperate for paternal love from her father, leaving her bored and neglectful but the father in question does some bare minimum effort and that's suddenly okay in her eyes (Octavia) and the double standard that abuse is funny when a woman is hitting a man (Loona and Blitzo). Except when it isnt (Stella and Stolas)

This show is a fucking mess: part 1

(I will elaborate on the male characters treatment in another post. If I forgot anything or made a mistake, let me know, im always open for feedback!

And yes, I'm aware I omitted Verosika Mayday from this list because she's ultimately harmless as a character and only exists as a rival to Blitz. Also she only appeared in two episodes so I dont have much to say about her.)

[whorekneecentral]

This is such a mainstream one but i just cant help it.. can i have a lewis smut where reader sends him a video of reader's being in the bath tub when he is having a breakfast at the resort's restaurant?

sometimes cliches are good. this is one of those times. -- but I’m gonna switch it up a bit <3 hope this is okay! 

“You're sure you don’t wanna join us?” He asks and you shook your head, pulling the blankets up a bit more, watching your husband get dressed to go skiing with his father. 

“I have no plans of leaving this bed for a while. Plus, I think your dad will forgive me, it’s freezing outside.” 

“Fine,” Lewis shrugs, tucking his hoodie into his snow pants before waddling over to the bed. Your lips pressed together, biting back a laugh when he kisses your forehead. “Don’t miss me too much,” he jokes and you roll your eyes. 

“Get out of here before your dad comes looking.” 

Lewis blows you a kiss before walking out of the room and shutting the door behind him. You can hear the Hamilton men talking just a few feet away in the living room and your father in law shouts goodbye as they head out the front door. 

It’s a while after they leave that you decide to get up and take a bath, everyone else in the house was sleeping or had gone on the ski run but you were absolutely certain no one would come looking for you. 

You let the water run, filling the tub while you get your phone and set up the speaker. You play the music quietly while you undress, stepping into the warm water and sighing at the feeling when it fully covers your body. 

You scroll through instagram for a bit, seeing your husband had posted a little video from the slopes. You decide to send him a little video of you in the bathtub, the bubbles barely covering your tits. 

To Lewis: *1 Video Attachment* good luck out there <3

You see that he’s read the message and you set your phone down, relaxing in the tub. It was a few minutes later that you hear the bedroom door open and your husband comes into the bathroom, out of breath. 

“Are you okay?” You ask, looking at him. Lewis was already stripping off, a pile of clothes on the floor. 

“Scoot over,” he tells you, waiting for you to move forward before getting into begin you.

You settle against your husband. “What happened to skiing?” 

“Dad will get over it.” He says, wrapping his arms around you. 

[sempsimps]

doppelgänger Francis x reader

sooo this is totally sfw within the age rating of the actual game, obviously. also might be inspired by the yagami yato of this man, maybe, slight chance, it definitely gave me some fuel to finish at least, i got over this brain rot quickly and well this took more time than i would of liked so yeah. sorry if my writing sucks :)

tags

mentioned death

mentioned cannibalism

two sides of the same one sided love (kinda)

blood (yep shock horror)

hoon man getting the love he needs <3

a bit of inexperienced writing (oh lord the horror)

sexual tension i guess (but not really)

Heather's the musical reference

British language so scary

it was late at night and door duty is slow like usual, the thing about the job was that 12 hour shifts suck, but in this time where the fear of being replaced by man eating monsters having a roof over my head and a job was quite reassuring, and well despite the company not really caring I'm glad that i didn't have to do more work then i could be awake for also my co-worker Emily she is amazing and could make a banging cup of tea, and well she likes the fact there's not nearly that many doubles at day, less work obviously. the night is tougher, way more doppelgängers at this time some were very convincing and did make me want to scream on the inside becuse of the anxiety it caused..... but i did like a challenge. also, i knew that most of the apartmenties were inside as Emily ticks them off the list and added the names who had a reasonable excuse for not being on there, and hey, i haven't died. yet despite my complaints there was a golden reason why i liked this job, and that was the resident tired eyes Francis, but he never really talked that much and it kinda made him ideal mimic bait, so i cant get attached i mean i really shouldn't as they really did try him the most for some reason.

i yawn as i relaxed into my office chair stretching my arms with a stratifying click 'mhhh almost over its 10 45 so 1 more hour and franci-' caught in my thoughts so much but the white uniform snapped my attention 'speak of the devil-! wait...' and as quickly as it came it left, as i seen the deep sunken abyss of "eyes" and a smile 'ah, i see its hoon' he really did try to get in, acting normally handing the papers over with an almost correct ID and entry form but just ya know slightly off on the looks and all he says is hoon is kind of revealing. i smiled and waved in greeting.

"Ah, hello there, nice try hoon, but i can see you. Good try though, almost nailed that ID too."

"hoon hoooon!"

"ill take that a good response"

i politely gave back the ID and smiled, throwing the entry form in the bin with the rest, so it isn't as easy to get in. Also, some of them are funny anyway. back to it i found this particular one almost as enduring as the original i was found of him so to speak, but if he got too good then off he goes and that might be a toxic trait but ill entertain him for now.

"Come on man, you know the drill, i caught you. You walk away. Have a good night though."

"hoon..."

he held his head down in disappointment and trudged away, when i was sure he left i called the D.D.D,the emergency shutters come down and footsteps can be heard by the men, i knew hoon wasn't there but to keep up the appearance to not get me fired, i had to make it seem that he keeps escaping, and not me letting him do so nooooo. the shutters come up, and the hazmat suit explains the situation in that boring tone like always.

"The clean up is complete, but the company will search for that double ganger that got away......"

yep, the same stuff zoning all that out. 'blah blah blah Jesus Christ, so much talking, just leave, please.' i kept smiling with zoned out thoughts as they spoke.

"You can continue your job"

"mh hm thanks"

the clean-up crew left slowly, god so slowly, like today, so slow. i looked over to the clock 'uuuuhhh 11 15 a half an hour till Francis gets here from delivering milk. poor soul to be fair he was half a workaholic' picking at my nails as a distraction from the boring day i seen another white milk man uniform i smile as i seen Francis, immediately going to work as he passed his paper through. but if i looked at the clock, only a few minutes passed.

"hi there"

i politely greeted, giving a small wave like i do for him 'wait it might not be him.' My face turned serious quickly.

"hm hello..."

'Huh, is he tired, or is that voice lower?' Suspicious, but i checked over the entry form, and that looked all good. now the ID 'logo yep date uh huh spelling' with the file i looked back and forth 'okay looking good finally number lets see 2 3 5 5 6' i look at the ID '2 4 5 5 6. wait 4?' Looking back over the file 'that's wrong damn doppelgänger. welp gotta kill this one he's too real.' i passed back the papers roughly, my face turning sour.

"welp, here ya go Francis, any last words?"

i didn't let him finish becuse as soon as i passed the paper through roughly i reached over with my other hand and pressed the emergency button, and speed dialling the D.D.D to get this near replica out of here, the shutter that came down was rattling from the force of the doppelgänger hitting it trying to escape, which was normal. and then silence as the shutter comes up, the now comforting yellow suit began to talk.

"The clean-up is complete. You can continue your-"

The hazmat suit slammed into the glass making a small crack, a gradient green hand with black claws dug into the back of the head, blood seeping out and staining the yellow suit my eyes followed the arm to the doppelganger of Francis i had just delt with 'oh shit this is a fucking problem' the yellow hazmat fell to the ground the hand returning to "normal" and that face comes into view. blood dripping of the perfect features, his voice lower than it should be its unnerving 'and hot- nope nope stop there wrong.' opening the desk draw digging in it for a neatly written number to only be called if the D.D.D fails. 'Where's that post-it note' a loud thud broke my thoughts, and I cautiously looked up to the double of Francis. his hand against the glass smearing some blood on the clean surface some spilling into the small crack made a few seconds earlier.

"Oh darling, how come you didn't let me in? My appearance is flawless. Entry form has nothing wrong with it, I know I'm on the list today."

He looked confused 'cute wait no evil' since I passed the papers through he picked up the slightly crumpled ID and gave an amused smirk flipping it around and pressing it to the glass so I could see it.

"Ah, I see you did read that silly ID number. You're not like the others, you're smart, and that makes me want to devour you even more."

My hand starts to tremble as I kept looking for that stupid note. The doppelganger tuts lightly with a small chuckle.

"Come on~ your phone friends can't help you. and you wouldn't want to create more of a mess~ look honey! all those delicious bodies already here"

He licked his lips cleaning them from the blood giving a satisfied hum 'oh shit that's hot- nope nope not the time' i couldn't bear to look past him at the amount of people dead, opting to keep looking for the number i knew was in this stupid desk 'come on, come on where is this fucking thing' my hand touches the gun at the back of the draw 'I shouldn't have to use this'

"OPEN THE DOOR, please open the door. Can we not fight anymore, please come on, open the door? You're scared i see that, I can set you free come on let me inside open the door open opEN OPEN!"

Teeth beared now sharp and tinted yellow eyes the same shade. His hand slammed down on the glass with an open palm he realised it wasn't working, quickly far too quickly, and he used his fist rattling the pane in its hold the crack getting bigger every thud my movements speed up 'shit shit shit shit shi- ah! there I got it.' I gripped the paper roughly and slammed the emergency button and dialled the never before used number

"DARLING YOULL NEVER KILL ME IVE BEEN WATCHING YOU FOR WEEKS ILL COME BACK"

"Hello you have contacted the-"

"YES I KNOW SEND HELP D.D.D AGENTS DOWN"

"Don't worry .... we have dispatched people to your area" BEEP

The slamming of fists and that sickening sound of flesh tearing. its the noise doppelgangers make when they lose their disguise, it made me nauseous my head dizzying from it I heard the glass smash but the metal kept me safe it was barely dented before I heard the screams of the beast and gun shots my breathing uneven my legs to my chest in the chair arms wrapped around my body in attempt to comfort myself it all went silent my heart drops in my chest but as the shutter came back up a more human looking hazmat suit greeted me rather than the round ones another one putting a new pane of glass replacing the broken one.

"Thank you for contacting us. we will inform the D.D.D of the deceased agents and give you good reference. Unfortunately, the doppelganger got away"

"Wait, what!?"

They left quickly, some carrying black bags, not saying a word 'he got away. How?' I slowly came out of my shell I had built temporarily, taking in some deep breaths. unwrapping my arms and lowering my legs back into my chair. 'I'll have a breakdown when I'm off the clock.... oh speaking of how long till Francis is here 11 55 he's late.... of course just making my day wors- never mind night is better' there he was passing an ID and entry form i already had his folder out and checked it over intensely giving a little sigh.

"mh, hello doorman you seem worked up tonight"

"haha yeah just some difficult doppelgängers, ya know"

"ha yeah uh.... I've been meaning to ask, would you like to get food sometime"

i opened the door for him and smiled wearily giving the correct paper back to the real Francis.

"yeah that would be nice have a goodnight Francis"

okay finally over Jesus Christ this took way longer than i wanted it to take becuse i have got another 3 fics stacked and schoolwork so I'm glad its over but i still don't know how to end this shit sorry if my writing sucks :]

extra note: brownie points if people spotted the heathers reference

[honey-minded-hivemind]

Sabretooth or wolverine (or both) w/ blind reader? :>

Okay! I'll try my best. Please forgive me if I get anything wrong. Do you mind if I do headcanons for this one? Thank you for offering this idea up:

• Wolverine with a blind Reader would be described in one word: Overprotective

• He'd always be worrying about them, watching them and staying alert in case they needed help or were in trouble

• He would try to let you be independent, but only to a certain degree. He wouldn't want to discourage you, and he isn't going to try to limit you anymore than being vision impaired has done

• Would never make fun of you. If you're okay with it, he'll make jokes about being blind as a bat, or jokes about people who can see but obviously can't see what's in front of them. The guy just wants to make them smile, make them laugh, just wants to make them feel welcome

• Will sometimes stay up late just to keep you company and to secretly help you if something were to happen. He makes sure everyone keeps the Institute clean, so as not to make it harder for you to get around. Want a cool walking stick or cane? The guy will whittle you one and design it with your favorite animal, making a little bust of it at the top and etches in the wood so you can see it with your sense of touch

• If anyone picks on you for your disability, he will gladly kick their *ss. No questions asked

• If Reader has a mutation that helps them sense their way around the environment, Logan will do everything he can to help hone your skills to the point you are a master of it

• The worst he would do is possibly put you on house arrest, if not room arrest, if you tried to run away. He worries, worries to the extremes, and if his fears come true and you were to get hurt or kidnapped or tried to leave him, leave the X-Men... he will make it so you cant leave. Not without him. Not without them

• 7/10, he tries, he cares and will not tolerate abuse or neglect towards you, but the moment he feels you're in danger, he's keeping you in the Insitute where he and the others can keep an eye on you and help you 24/7

• Sabretooth with a blind Reader would be put of his depth

• He is around someone who can't see him or anything around them, yet they can still get around on their own. The man is confused

• He gets over it when Reader uses their walking stick as a weapon, alongside their mutation (something like echolocation, or super senses, or maybe the ability to see auras, or some blind/vision-impaired animal). And he realizes there is more to them than what he initially thought

• When Reader sees past the many, many traumatized and vicious layers of him, he finds himself growing attached. Someone who can't see and they see him not as a monster or animal, but someone worth seeing, and worth helping

• After that, he's around them. ALL. THE. TIME. If Reader is on a mission or has somewhere they have to go, he volunteers to accompany them. If someone has a problem with it, he doesn't mind using thinly veiled threats to keep him by their side

• If anything happened to blind Reader, he would be enraged. Scared. Terrified. The person or mutant who caused them harm or kidnapped them is dealt with, until there's nothing left to break. And after that, he keeps Reader with him at all times

• If Reader tried to leave, he would resort to possibly drugging them, or limiting their environment to be with him and his current group or to one of his hidden safe houses. He isn't running the risk of them ending up hurt like his brother, and he sure as fr*ck isn't letting them go. He's too attached now

• 6/10, he is okay-ish if you don't mind having him with you at all times, and he would believe in your ability to defend yourself. But the moment you get hurt and he's reminded you're a kid, and one who has a disability, is immediately making it so you can't leave him

• If these two had the same blind bby... Sabretooth would likely try to keep both Reader and Wolverine with him, while Wolverine did his best to get himself and Reader back to the Institute. Neither one wants to go without their loving bby, but while Victor would share with Logan and try to guilt trip him into sharing and staying, Logan would take the closest opportunity to grab Reader and run, not looking back or stopping until they're with the Professor and the other X-Men, who all can help protect their kid/child/friend/sibling

[pillarsalt]

if this seems like a weird question feel free to ignore it! but.. if youve felt it, how do you deal with the guilt of "waking up" from transition and the narratives around it right now? i know logically in my mind that the current state of gender as a concept is a rehash/rebranding of old regressive standards, i know its not logical to do surgeries on young mentally ill and neurodivergent people who are in distress, i know that something cant be a social construct and biologically innate at the same time, and i know that the idea of "passing" or "transitioning to a woman" is misogynistic as hell, but i still feel bad for voicing or even thinking of any of it as wrong.

the majority of my friends are socially drowning in these concepts, and i cant even find any real lesbian friends, let alone someone who i might wanna date someday. i love them, but almost all of the same sex attracted women in my life hate themselves to some degree for being born women and try to seperate themselves from what they think womanhood is. it makes me feel hopeless as a detransitioned lesbian. any advice is appreciated :/

this got long so here's a cut:

I'm not a detransitioner myself, but I know there are many women on here and detrans lesbians specifically who would understand what you're going through. Anyone who'd like to reach out to anon in the notes is welcome to do so.

I do totally get what you mean about feeling guilty, even though your views are logically reasonable and feminist. Unfortunately that's by design: emotional manipulation and groupthink is how trans activism keeps people entrenched. No debate, anything that isn't immediately and entirely validating is simply evil, it's all black or white to them. There's no room for grey when just a little bit of poking and prodding can make your entire movement collapse in on itself.

I think it's quite common, I've heard it from many women, and myself included, that even after realizing the harms of gender ideology, we tend to examine ourselves and our beliefs over and over again because what if we really are evil fascists like they say we are? But every time, it turns out that no, we just care about women's rights to legal recognition and protection and equal opportunity, and patients' (especially children's) rights to responsible and ethical healthcare. Remember that when you feel you must be wrong because your opinion is currently in the minority. What's right is right, no matter how many or how few people believe it.

The other thing is, I've been watching this issue evolve for years now. I genuinely believe the tide is turning and people are seeing the misogyny inherent to this ideology. Most

In my personal life, most of my friends buy into gender ideology. A couple of them identify as nonbinary, although I'm not as close with them. It is a hard tightrope to walk. Honestly I don't get too emotionally attached, as much as I can help it, because I'm ready to lose them as friends if it comes to that. If they directly asked me my opinions I would share them, and I've always been prepared to. They never ask. I have a feeling most of them know I disagree with their views on gender but don't want to "have to" cancel/ostracize me, so the subject never comes up. Funnily enough, the friends with whom I do talk about my views openly are men. I think women, generally being socialized to care deeply about others' feelings and wellbeing, are more likely to have these feelings of guilt when going against the societally ~nice, kind, polite~ thing to do, so are more likely to stay close to the groupthink mentality of "we're good, they're bad, continue doing what we say is good and you can keep being good too". And when you see what happens socially to women who speak out against genderism, yeah it's terrifying to face that yourself.

All that to say, I get what you're feeling. It's lonely and isolating to think differently from the people around you but not feel safe to express it. Especially so for lesbians and bi women who want to date women but find that dating women now comes with the extra exhausting step of avoiding believers of gender nonsense everywhere you turn. But you are far, FAR from the only one. There are a ton of other women in your situation, they're looking for women like you. Don't give up. It's hard but it's worth it. I don't have experience with it myself, but I know of quite a few women who met on tumblr and ended up in long term irl relationships. There are also quite a few rad-related discord groups, some specifically for lesbians as well. Seriously, tumblr has become a great resource for connecting with other feminists. And even offline, there are far more women around you who think like you but are also too afraid of the backlash to speak out. Keep looking, don't give up.

[oursidae]

IF YOU INSIST

takes your hands. come on this journey with me. for reference i consider kiryu to be exclusively gay but i feel like a lot of this except one bit also applies when reading him through a bisexual lens also <3 come listen to me talk about the way kiryu touches himself and how it changes throughout his life <3

i think when he was in his 20s he was a hedonist, far less so than nishiki but still, basically a frat boy, a horny 20 yr old. i dont imagine him having any actual sex partners during this time, in fact i think he's a virgin well into his middle age at Least. so he jacked off a lot. usually into his fist. i can see him making a fleshlight with 2 wet sponges and a cup. sometimes he got brave and touched his ass but felt so ashamed of it the days after he would be jumpy around nishiki and any other yakuza. (real yakuza cant like men...camera zooms in on kashiwagi) tldr hes so closeted and has so much internal homophobia it leeches into how he pleasures himself and knowing he might like sex in "unorthodox" ways is frightening in ways he doesnt super understand. ofc over the events of 0 he has bigger things to worry about but 0 is when i think kiryu's attraction to men comes to the forefront, through tachibana. (and also pocket circuit fighter.)

then, he goes to jail for 10 years. i think this period severely stunts him, because we know kiryu loves to just compartmentalize and shove all of the scary feelings down so he can just keep ignoring them, and being an invisible inmate makes that so much easier. any self pleasure he does during and immediately after this time is quick, utilitarian. dry and chafing just getting it over with, you know? any emotion attached to the act is a distant staticky buzz in the back of his mind.

of course im a kazumaji truther so during yakuza 1/kiwami, majima introduces to him a new level of sexual frustration that leads to him exploring pain and masochism by himself. majima doesnt *give* him this fetish, so much as he just opened the locked door to it. he digs his fingers into the cuts and bruises majima leaves on him and turns the shower water up until its scalding because if he didnt do this in the shower he'd pass out after with dried cum on himself. i think his feelings toward majima during this time are frightening spaghetti to him - something im sure irritates majima to no end, majima in my mind is far more assured of himself and who he is and his own sexuality and attraction to other men - and i dont think that kiryu does much in the way of exploration around this time aside from the odd burst of confidence (we were robbed by the banana bar substory.) he might try to touch his ass again here and there but theres still that twist of shame that he cant quite shake. i dont know when exactly i hc him entering a relationship with majima, if at All (i love the angst), but if he is having sex with majima at this time i think that relationship kicks his Growth into overdrive and he overcomes those hurdles a lot easier.

shame, i think, holds kiryu back a lot, because if he is this way, he isnt what is expected of him. if that makes sense. kiryu is supposed to shoulder it all alone and keep the tojo clan from sinking and there isnt room in that power fantasy for taking it up the ass and finding comfort in another mans arms, because this series is rife with toxic masculinity and commentary on it here and there.

on theme with burying his feelings and how peoples expectations of him affect him, kiryu in 2/kiwami 2 is DEEPLY SUICIDAL. like the whole game. if you havent noticed. kiwami 2 is one of my least favorite games of the series so this may color my judgment here a little. i think both kiryu and kaoru were experiencing comphet as their relationship progressed, especially the weird makeout next to her brothers corpse. you do weird things under stress, adrenaline, and trauma, and thats what i chalk this part of the game up to. i dont see him engaging in much, if any, self loving around this time period because of his severe depression, ptsd, and deep desire to end it all. if he does its in the "i might as well" way, or just to make time pass. he might even engage in it in a compulsory way, because he knows he'll feel a little better by the end bc orgasming does that, but its literally just for that purpose, not to Feel Good in a sexual way. just to hurry up and crank one out in the shower so he can get it together enough to get haruka to school.

kiryu has growing to do when he starts raising children and does his best to let go of any predjudices he has, but i think he still struggles with his own attraction to men. he never ever would teach his kids anything but to be kind, even if they find something odd. but he cant afford that kindness to himself. when i was in elementary school, i came home one day and told my mom "today i learned from my friend that gay is when boys like boys and that lesbian is when girls like girls :)" and then...that was that. she was like. "ah. okay... who said that to you? i see. did he say anything else about it?" and she didnt really push me to one conclusion about those facts. thats kind of how i see kiryu navigating some of these conversations. he'd steer them toward the kind option, if they needed it, but sometimes "yeah thats right. gay men are men who like men. lesbians are women who like women." is all you need, the confirmation that its real, and the neutrality that means yeah its fine.

and i think haruka is the most perceptive of kiryu bc of how they have grown together so like She Knows. if anyone puts the pieces together besides majima itd have to be her. and i think the conversation they one day (probably not around 3-era, unsure where i'd place this) have kind of also touches on harukas own bisexuality bc nothing abt what she did w that one girl she was friends with in 5 was hetero. 2 me. i wish I could be more coherent about this scene in my head, but i feel like its a conversation where a lot remains unsaid but is innately understood. they dance around the topic because saying it outright teeters on too much, but they know what theyre talking about. the love between them is unconditional.

anyway he doesnt have much time to masturbate when running the orphanage, but because he's busy with chores and taking care of a bunch of kids who he loves. plus thin walls. but hes gentler with himself when he does. maybe he starts foraying into men strictly in pornography, he's got magazines under the futon or looks up crusty jpegs on his phone or something. he lets go of some of the shame because he's found somewhere else where it feels right for him to be. he is so happy in okinawa it drives me crazy.

skipping over 4 bc he's still in okinawa for the majority of that game until saejima and company wash up on his beach and then he has to go back to kamurocho, during the events of 5 he is NOT touching himself. he hates himself so much in that game. he hardly showers. he lives with a woman and covers up her naked body when she strips in front of him. his boss is pointing out how gay everyone at his job thinks he is but insisting its okay but being clocked like that is a super specific punch to the gut that he wasnt really prepared for and really flusters him. for the most part i dont think his dick exists to him. he's sitting to pee. he hasnt gotten it up in months.

i blocked 6 from my memory for the most part except how kiryu in a baseball uniform makes my dick hard. haruka and yuta i think r bi4bis my girl deserves it.

post 6, he is not Kiryu Kazuma anymore, and despite the pain that comes from forced separation from his family, being a different person is so freeing. he gets to explore things. he gets to let his shoulders drop and relax for the first time since 2005. im playing thru gaiden right now and already dont remember all of the daidoji restrictions on him but by now he's pretty much fully realized himself and embraced his sexuality. he lets himself have his fantasies. he's become a bit of a hedonist like he was in his 20s with far more easy access to gay porn and sex toys. i know my man has a butt plug in his gay ass!!! i love bottom kiryu. have i ever said how much i love bottom kiryu. i think he has nights where he puts on a porn video and treats himself. i think he has some drinks and a cigarette and fingers himself and plays with his balls and teases himself until his orgasm sneaks up on him. and then he takes a shower and goes to sleep in his underwear. is he completely healthy? absolutely not. his self sacrificial streak and need to bear all of the pain by himself is why he's here. he still has unaddressed severe trauma and depression. but he can fingerfuck himself and watch gay porn without his stomach churning over the fact that he actually wants this, so progress is progress.

i need to stress. i started thinking about all this. because i put kiryu in this outfit

and thought about him putting on dark plum colored lipstick and looking at himself in the mirror and smudging it a little and getting so hard that he gets lightheaded and immediately needing to jack off about it. i would say im going to write that fic but i know i wont.

[youremyheaven]

I’m a Chitra girly. I’ve been a virgin for 22 years. (All my life basically) I do have urges where I wouldn’t mind having one-night stands, but I want it to be with someone I trust for my first experience. Although, I’m kinda over it now because I just wanna experience s*x. I’m getting older!! 😫 Also… I wouldn’t mind using my body to get what I want, but I obviously never done that. (yet 😜) It’s just a thought, like for example I rather have s*x with a sugar daddy or a ceo to boost my career instead of having s*x with a flop ass dude. My mentality is that instead of giving myself for a “normal” dude, I rather just use my sexuality for my benefit. Like, women get slut-shamed for using their sexuality to get where they are. Like don’t hate the player, hate the game.

i feel like a lot of Martian women think this way. they either hate men and sex or they use it to their advantage.

so many women famous for their sex appeal (Marilyn Monroe, Brooke Shields, Adriana Lima, Denise Richards) have Mars ruled naks but they've either avoided men and used their sex appeal to their advantage or really suffered in love and romance.

even though you say you wouldn't mind sleeping your way to the top, I feel like Mars women are better at seeming sexually enticing than actually sleeping around to get their way, yk?? everybody wants them but no one can have them type stuff?

the reality is that life is not a movie and men in powerful positions are often complete assholes. if things were so simple, then we'd surely have more women making $$$ and being girlbosses but that isn't the case. things seldom go well for women who choose this option bc at the end of the day sleeping with rich assholes is 100x harder than actually doing the work you need to get ahead. everybody is all about casual sex and using their body to make moves until they've been treated like scum by some asshole who uses them and is left in the dust. bc trust me, rich men will treat you like you're a cum dumpster

ill say this again and again, casual sex is a myth. there is nothing cAsuAL about this arrangement. men want a sex doll and a babysitter who will do all the things expected of a girlfriend without returning anything. its literally just a way for them to use women and get away with it as you cant be the bad guy if you aren't even in a relationship. dating apps and porn have ruined the game.

the biggest flaw in the way Mars women think is this tendency to believe that they have no emotional attachment to sex so it doesnt mean anything to them if they can just bang someone for the heck of it. BBG ITS A JUNGLE OUT THERE,,, the most worthless you will feel is when you realise how little you mean, sexually or otherwise to someone. you may not be emotionally attached to sex but you will suffer emotionally from disrespect you endure.

i dont mean to sound like im from the 1950s or anything but trust me, if a man is only attracted to you sexually, he will immediately lose interest in you once you bang. and those monkey brained assholes are def the ones who dont deserve to experience your body. pussy trapping a guy into being with you is a delusional lie.

edit: since you're a virgin you should be extra careful bc men go ape for virgins 😶‍🌫️ but tbh some guys won't fck with you bc it's too much responsibility as men often think women fall in love with their "first" (there is some truth to this tbh)

[pwnyta]

From someone who knows basically nothing about Baldurs Gate......

Imma give my UNSOLICITED OPINIONS.

Karlach is the most consistent with her style. She looks great in everything. Shes also the hottest overall (no pun intended). Her personality is one of the cutest and the fact she doesnt seem to get that good of an ending is UH... CRIMINAL.

Best ship- ...//covers face and mumbles... I really like her relationship with the player... this is so unfortunate... but its so cute. I love her. (I know theres a couple endings where you can kill her. Those dont exist or Im calling the cops.)

Base model MEH, Camp model VERY cute, Panties.... ITS A CHOICE BUT ONE I BUY THAT HE'D MAKE FROM WHAT I KNOW ABOUT HIM. Also I dont believe for a MINUTE this man got a six pack why are you lying directly to my face... He reminds me of Dr Frank, I love his voice, I would never be able to deny him anything because hes really funny and I just wanna see him go crazy.

Best ship- Astarion/Wyll... I just saw a video of Star being SO into Wyll it was hilarious. 'Honestly that MAN~' Someone get him a Thirst-aid kit.

The sheer driplessness of this man needs to be studied by SCIENTISTS. But his panties are pretty cute. I do like his face/hair... but the man cant dress himself. ...Look on paper Gale is everything. His sweetness and earnestness is very charming but GOD... hes so cringe sometimes. GOOFY FUCK.

Best ship- ... Probably Wyll? I mean you can just slot Wyll in anywhere cuz hes so charming and he and Gale are such cornballs itd be insufferable.

Laezel takes second place right behind my bbg Karlach. Her base model is a little weird looking the metal looks weird but it still looks pretty cool. Her camp model is super hot, I never would have expected those panties TBH... why dont the men get fun panties. This is a crime. Anyways 9/10 Zel! Congrats. IDK if I like her or the memes with her. her VA did that ducks in a row video and its so funny and I cant ever be mad at her no matter what she wanted to do.

Best ship- .....I mean aesthetically Karlach? For shallow reasons... idk what their relationship is like.

...Look I know shes super popular but.... Look her camp model is pretty great but Her hair is hideous. I can get over Gales absolute driplessness cus hes still handsome... what is this hair... GIRL. The panties are a choice too... but after Karlach and Zel she really had little chance. Least theyre better than the guys.

Best ship- //shrugs I have no attachment to this woman LMAO

Base model? Kinda boring but not terrible. Camp model? One of the best... the cute little peekaboo belly. I hope someone bites him. BUT THE PANTIES??? Girl. Youre lucky youre so handsome. The horns and crazy eyes elevate him... just putting that out there. Like Gale... on paper Wyll is so perfect but HES SO EMBARRASSINGLY EARNEST. The problem is probably just the style of the game... if it was less uncanny realism and more stylized maybe I wouldnt be as cringed out LMAO. Youre so damn cute Wyll... Im sorry.

Best ship- Astarion is funny but hes such a menace... I think Wyll deserves better. HALSIN/Wyll.

Halsin somehow does the earnest lover thing way better than Gale or Wyll... but hes almost as bad as Gale when it comes to dressing himself. Who let this man dress himself? Hes hot though. It makes up for it. I cant believe BG3 let this beefy elf exist... Im so used to young looking scrawny pasty elves (eyes emoji).

Best ship- Like Wyll you can just put him anywhere.... but WYLL. Theyd just be so cute. Halsin could definitely dull the sheer earnestness to tolerable levels probably.

This lady I know almost nothing about except shes kinda rancid.... but at least shes kinda hot and also can dress decently.

Best ship- ...//shrugs

The fact shes not romanceable makes BG unplayable. Her face and hair is gorgeous, her clothes get a MEH from me... maybe if the colors were more muted?

Best ship- ...//shrugs

Hes fine.

Best ship- ...//shrugs

?

I know the Emperor has some part in this too... and hes hot. So...

Overall-

The difference between S tier and A tier.. isnt that different. I really like those 3 freaks.

At first Wyll & Halsin were these too but... they grew on me & I cant blame them for their faults. Its not Halsins fault you can traumatize a squirrel... its not Wylls fault the realistic style combined with his cheesy romantic bullshit embarrasses me...

I couldnt even get through Dream Daddys.... and I love that game.

I can forgive Wyll.