#no one needs to or even should read this i guess idk

[loserchildhotpants]

several times in my life - several, as in more than three times - i’ve had it happen that i’ll bend over backwards for a friend, or multiple friends at once, and i go above and beyond the call of duty as far as friendship goes and then when my utility runs out, or i need something in return (in the form of emotional support, i enforce a boundary or something), i am excommunicated. 

that i go above and beyond without being asked is something i pride myself on and that sits well w my spirit, but i also know that it’s a reflection of some seriously deep abandonment issues. im self aware enough to know that i often do this to myself, and that, to a degree, i teach others how to treat me.

one of these instances, i was in high school, and i’d been sent away from my lunch table and my group of friends bc i hadn’t performed socially the way one of them wanted me to (one of them had introduced a bf to the group and we all hung out w him and when asked my opinion of him i was like ‘he seems nice :)’ and that was really all i had to say abt him bc he was a typical teenaged boy and honestly wasn’t even that nice i was just Being Polite and this was apparently so devastating to my friend that all the other friends rallied around her and decided to punish me for being so unkind bc ‘don’t [i] know how much [my] opinion means to her’ ??? so. i am exiled).

during my exile, i went to the art wing for lunch bc i literally had no one to eat or sit w and i may as well. we had sketchbooks we used for the entire school year, it’s where all our art assignments went (i was in an advanced art class and yes we had homework), and it was nearing the end of the school year, so mine was mostly full. i had one homework assignment i was gonna work on over that lunch period - i remember bc it was pointillism and it was coming along really nicely. i went to grab my sketchbook from my designated shelf, and found it was duct-taped shut and had slurs written in sharpie across the cover.

i panicked, tried to get it open without fucking use of fire or something that might compromise the ~8 months of work i had in there, and when i got it open, i found more of the same. all my works had been ruined w insults and slurs, and some of the drawings were just scribbled over boldly w sharpie to make them unusable. 

i don’t have PROOF those girls did that to me, but the insults used and the handwriting was... telling. 

so for the last 15 years, i haven’t let anyone touch my fucking sketchbooks or look at my artwork without explicit permission and without my constant oversight, and i’ve kept in mind that even people i would be ride or die for may not necessarily consider that trait valuable, and more than willing to cast me aside, they may be willing to hurt me if it makes them feel better.

i feel like i smell it in the air. 

i had that sense of foreboding, the same kind i had before i pried my sketchbook open. and listen, maybe that’s the trauma and anxiety disorders talking! sure! but y’know, it’s not the only time that sort of shit has happened to me, 3 or more times, to me, speaks to a pattern. so maybe it’s anxiety, or maybe im seeing a pattern and i Know when something is abt to happen bc it’s happened multiple times before.

i do this thing where i’m like ‘i’ll work really, really hard, i’ll be available MOST of the time, i will extend my emotional bandwidth for you, i’ll help you when times are hard - when your marriage is falling apart, when you’re homeless, when your parent has died - i am ready and willing to do everything in my power to help you however much i can and surely this will make me a Good Friend, and if i am Good Friend, the person i am being a Good Friend to will be a Good Friend back to me.’ 

that’s not necessarily true, i guess. and nothing friendship-ending has happened (yet) but it’s like i feel it in the air. could it be trauma and anxiety informing that feeling? absolutely. ... but also, no one can discount that im batting 1000 as far as friendships failed, dead and gone now, especially the people i’ve broken my back for. 

idk what the point of this is i just had to write out my thoughts i guess

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

on my quest to find more books to read this year, there's been something kind of heartwarming to see that of the books on hold at my local library, or on the weekly bestseller's list at my local bookstores, there's always at least one book up there that's about Palestine. It's at least nice to see that some people in my area want to learn about the historical context of what's happening now, and learn far more than what a few posts on their feed can tell them. It makes me hope that public perception will continue to change for the better - and that the kind of support I've seen in my area won't die down immediately after a ceasefire is called

[callixton]

took 10 mg of my ex's ritalin in the hopes it would balance out my adhd and i'm having like. a real weird reaction to it. it is making me paranoid i don't have adhd but i think it is much more likely that my body just isn't sure how to deal with having a stimulant in it for the first time. i'm also not like. high in any way. i'm just sort of jittery and physically unable to settle. and i'm still having trouble focusing but not the way i usually do which i suspect might also be bc this isn't overriding how tired i am. i also can't stop talking when in a conversation

[mossflower]

okay not dropping out 👍

[girlscience]

I hate getting into something that has a canon(ish) sapphic couple, but I only end up caring about one of the two women 😭😭😭

[adore-gregor]

study smart not hard (altough both is best actually) this saying is so true

[arsenicflame]

well i think its finally time to open this box

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[tariah23]

Pepe….

[nonokoko13]

<<DNI if you shame people for having "cringe" interests>> *proceeds to shame or disrespect someone for having interest in fictional stuff they don't like instead of using the block button even though that person has done anything to anyone*

[kalashtars]

[ninjaaa-go]

do you ever just

[radioactive-cloud]

i'm tipsy and sad and i just want to matter and not to feel like this

[exopelagic]

I have the curse of so much to say all the time I should rlly get a diary

[lowlyroach]

546) psyche splits until the inevitable heat death of the universe

She hasn't woken up yet

So I can still say

Good morning

And don't mind the ugly

In my dilated eyes

You canceled all of our plans from now until

The inevitable heat death of the universe

And that sucks, but

I'll love you even after then!

So, just remaining optimistic here.

But lol

I'm burning!

Haha yep, it hurts a lot

Yeah I know I'm pretty tough I guess

I need to burn

And I hope the sun kisses you today

And I guess I hope he does too

But fuck off about that one

How many are there of me now

Psyche splits psyche

There's the mirror man

And we fucking hate that guy

He looks awful I don't know why

People compliment him so much

But I took a few good looks

And yeah, we hate that guy

Since he is me

What about security guy?

Do we like him?

I can't wait to get my own cinematic universe

Featuring only me

Going crazy

Who is the fan favorite?

Me? I hope it's me!

Polls are in

They actually love 'bug' the most

Correct answer guys

[clonewarsahsoka]

I'm genuinely curious how the other students of this class are finding these papers (if they're reading them) because a lot of them are very mathematical which is easy for ME but for an arts major idk....